#who loves shitty jokes and never shuts the fuck up when he should and also wants a gun Really Really Bad

[insinirate]

god how i missed tankdad and his not-son pico

theyre everything to me rn

[lovingksuki]

✰ SECRET ADMIRER

— highschoolers bakugo x fem!reader

synopsis: an anonymous love letter appears in your locker on valentine's day. surprised, you and your best friend start an investigation to uncover who was that person observing you from afar. meanwhile, a flushed bakugo tries to ruin your plans on the undercover alongside his shitty-haired buddy

cw: sfw; mostly fluff; lil angst; very insecure bakugo; romantic comedy; puberty; silly jokes; little swearing.

a/n: this is part one of three. let me know if you want this mini series to be continued :) and pls be patient since english is not my first language hehe ;;

word count: 1k

"oh c'mon! what if there's a heart shaped letter in your locker? you never know..."

"there's not."

"you can't be so certain about it. my girl is never looking her surroundings, who knows if someone got their heart pierced by an arrow?" mina pointed.

"shut up, every year the same thing..." you rushed and right after turning the corridor you captured by distance. "ok. maybe you were right." you said finding the metal compartment half closed.

then you grabbed the red paper in your hands, paying attention to the almost dry daisy taped lazily on the front; glanced around not spotting anything or anyone suspicious about it, then turned to your best friend.

"i got a feeling you're part of this." spurred.

"whoa, i was joking just now! even i am shocked. who's the sender?" the pink colored girl held her hands up in protest.

"i don't know, there's only my name." you stated carefully sticking the little flower out.

"let me search for a hint." mina took the letter from your hands suddenly, mumbling while quickly skimming through the words looking for something useful. she gasped before smirking at the content and then continued mumbling.

"enjoying yourself!?" you sighed waiting.

"mkay, done." handed the letter. "nothing between the lines. who wrote this sure is smart enough to not leak their identity."

"that's for me to decide. you ain't the smartest kind." you chuckled.

"hey!"

"more like the pretty girl type."

"you sly thing! you received a love letter, who's the pretty girl again?" both laughed at the statement and headed out to the cafeteria. "not reading it?"

"can't think when i am this hungry. we should hurry."

at the lunchtime the subject was the same. you two were discussing with your mouths full, sitting by yourselves on a table far enough from eavesdropping.

"hear me out. there's this line that seems to be rewritten over and over, it's a bit tattered." you mentioned. "it says: 'i'm still hesitant about what you think about me' and thanks to the pressure they put on paper seems to be 'afraid of who i am' underneath."

"adds a lot of nothing to our investigation. that's what everybody would say in a confession, i mean, nobody likes being dumped." pinky pointed out unfazed.

"yeah but, i don't think it's meaningless, what if this person is truly insecure about themselves." you pondered.

"or they're just ugly." mina chewed on her meal.

"i don't think that's the case... remember when you told me that thing you read about pretty boys' handwriting?" you brought up.

"did you actually believe that!? was just a discussion in a girl's meme forum." the pink one remarked.

"but there's some truth behind it. if you consider that people with a smaller hand can grip on a pen better when writing, also means the ones with big hands tend to have a sloppier handwriting!" you stated confident about your theory.

"girl, you're tripping... does this mean we're going across the school measuring boys' hands?" mina smirked unconvinced.

"precisely."

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦

"what a fucking waste of time..." said raging.

"dude, calm down. at least you poured your feelings out..." eijiro reassured his bestfriend trying to point out the bright side of things.

but while he's the bright side, katsuki was the dark side. they say a good relationship is based in balance, in this case it makes total sense.

"you even checked if she read it?" asked the red haired.

"when she and mina walked by me at the corridor they were whispering and giggling like little lambs. probably laughing at that letter though." pouted.

"you're being paranoid, they're always like that."

"they're up to something..." bakugo murmured.

whilst the two struggled to put up with the 'plan cupid', the other two were constructing the 'plan pretty boy's handwriting'.

"as i was saying, a pencil has six inches approximately, we're looking for a hand as big at least. if we measure our hands we can compare with theirs without them noticing." stated grabbing a pen off her case.

"you're truly a genius. i refuse to accept you failed strategic test last week." mina complimented.

"i was in a really bad mood that day... anyway!" justified while traced her own hand in a empty page of mina's notebook. "fifteen centimeters. do yours and we're good to go!" demanded agitated.

when looking for friends of theirs, the girls pretended to just have a walk around the school.

"what if it was a girl?" mina asked suddenly.

"i doubt. how many girls with large hands do we know?" claimed.

"mmm... asui-san?"

"you've got to be kidding...!" pulled her phone and dialed quickly a number. "hey!" you smiled. "no, nothing really urgent, i just wanted to ask... are you perhaps in love with me?" questioned without any filter.

"girl you gone mad?" mina whispered holding back a laughter.

"uh, ok. anyways, thank you. we talk later, kisses!" you hung up. "see? that's not her."

"woah you're so straightforward! it scares me sometimes..."

the boys exited the restroom still discussing, but when the blondie heard a certain voice he stepped back. pulled eijiro's tie to hide behind a pillar with him. "shut it!" mouthed.

"i just wanted to ask... are you perhaps in love with me?"

"uh, ok."

his face started to burn as he became more anxious. could only hear a few words, enough to bring the boy into complete state of panic.

after the girls left he released his breath.

"stop overthinking! she just received a love letter, of course she's curious!" kirishima said.

"i didn't say anything, shitty-hair!"

"your face shows!" sighed. "seriously, how can she be so oblivious? just look at you! you're terrible at hiding."

"i- i... she doesn't even talk to me that often..." katsuki pitied.

"bro, you're not the friendliest around here. but she doesn't seem to be afraid of you." kiri pondered. "have you ever tried to smile?"

he looked at the red spiked guy and opened a shy smile.

"a bit more."

every time bakugo tried to put on smiling face it looked creepy. "be more genuine." said eijiro.

trying his best, but even with so much effort... his buddy analyzed. "ok. it looks absolutely terrifying."

"shit."

[gonegrove]

The majority of people who like Eddie are the same people who make alignment chart meme jokes having never even read 1 page of a dnd corebook and have no idea that the idea of order vs chaos/that whole chart is literally ripped straight from the pages of the Elric saga.

They’re the people who, when they hear “the white wolf”, they think of Geralt (Netflix edition) with no idea that the first truly famous usage of that was elric of melniboné in the 60s-70s to the point where the company white wolf publishing (makers of the trpg series world of darkness which they also don’t know about) got their fucking name from Elric. There’s even talk of Geralt being Kinda Plagiarizismy in regards to Elric. Literally all of Valyria in asoiaf/got/hotd? Elric of Melniboné.

These are the people who’ve likely never heard of Elvira or Vampira or Vampirella. They’ve never heard of Swamp Thing, if we’re lucky they know about Constantine/Hellblazer from the shitty DC shows. They’ll never read the original comics of Watchmen or The Sandman. They have no idea who Alan Moore is or that he literally does ritual magick. They don’t even know what that is. They have no idea what was in issues of Heavy Metal or how impactful it was. They’ve got no idea who Conan the Barbarian is outside of a vague pop cultural figure and a saying. They’ve never read the Silmarillion, they’ve only seen the movies and probably only the theatrical releases and only a handful of times or their entire lives at best. They’ve never even heard of The Young Ones. They’re people who gush about the MCU and how he’d love it “because he’s a nerd” as if he wouldn’t have been the biggest hater from day one because he read the comics. They’ve never seen a Hammer or Universal horror movie and if they did they’d think they were dumb. They’ve never seen The Munsters or the OG 60s Addams Family.

And they will not fucking shut up about an Eddie who doesn’t exist. An Eddie who would like and respect them. Who is kind and funny and quirky always. Who they can treat like their little blorbo meow meow darling and will only be as nerdy as is interesting and acceptable to them. Who bats his pretty cow eyes at them and calls them cute names. Who gives up dealing or only deals weed. Who’ll listen to their music and like their things while putting away the majority of his own. Who’ll never mock them or look down on them or their interests no matter how much he should given his past behavior— which also doesn’t exist in this fake Eddie. There is no interest in learning about the things that act as his building blocks, no interest in anything but his looks and the idea of a metalhead/nerd boyfriend.

Except I can guarantee if they actually met him they wouldn’t like him, wouldn’t respect his interests and would talk down to him. And Eddie would not be as nice as they think he is, nor would he want to know them or respect their interests since they’re generally “mainstream”. If you like Taylor Swift— he WILL not respect you AT ALL. Like I get it— y’all want a manic pixie dream boy and you chose him. But don’t think I will not be throwing rocks at you the entire time you shit down the neck of things I care about to do it.

[bohemian-nights]

It will forever irk me how some people blame Laena for Daemon’s “unhappiness” in Pentos. Let’s be for real here, it was COMPLETELY his fault why they were still in Pentos. I doubt Laena would have denied Daemon the idea of returning to Westeros; she was the one who wanted to go back to driftmark in the first place. Any unhappiness Daemon had was his own fault and no one but him can be blamed (maybe viserys too but that’s another thing). Everyone who is like “poor baby, he was just longing for Rhaenyra…” blah, blah, blah - just makes me sooo heated!! Laena was right there, they need to stop acting as if she was just this means to an end. I know she’s a fictional character but it still angers me to see how minimalized she is by the fandom (especially when they race-bent her and changed the important relationships in her life - that’s one of the reasons why I say that the book is the only canon canon universe, not the show). The racism this fandom has is so crystal clear, but then everyone is all “stop making it about race”, like that’s exactly what you are doing 😭 why can’t I be upset about it?? I doubt anyone would act the way they do if Laena was white and it hurts to even admit that!

No one should sympathize with daemon in ep6, he was being a shitty person and incredibly selfish, in my opinion. (I know you love him and I’m sorry to bash him, but I know you also see his faults unlike a lot of other Daemon stans, so I hope you can understand me on this). Laena was more patient and forgiving than she should have been, I would’ve liked her to call him out instead of whatever bullshit the writers decided on. Laena was not a shy or docile person, she was brave and fierce, that’s literally canon, and the writers shouldn’t have excluded that.

And don’t even get me started on how icky this deleted script makes me feel: https://www.tumblr.com/darksvster/744315340102762496/excerpts-from-the-house-of-the-dragon . “I loved him well.” But then when Rhaenyra asks Daemon if he loved Laena, THE NIGHT OF HER FUNERAL, he says “we were happy enough.” Shut the fuck up, Daemon! 🙄

I don’t personally think Laena and Daemon’s entire marriage (in the show) was an unhappy one, but it was in such poor taste that they made their scenes the way they did in show ‘canon.’ Laena did not deserve to be shown as unhappy, certainly not right before she died. I’ll never stop saying that she deserved better because she really really did. And that’s another reason why I’m writing my fix-it fanfic for her. I just want her to be happy in the end 🫠

Thank you for reading this incredibly messy rant. I hope you don’t hate me for this lmao.

That’s nothing, but cope cause these walking napkins once again forgot about chokegate.

By their own logic Daemon must have been on the verge of jumping off a cliff with Rhaenyra cause no matter how miserable he was with Laena he never laid a hand on her or abandoned her when she was giving birth to their children🙃

He’s literally always 0.2 seconds from sending Missy Anne to join Gollum. If he truly was longing for her like that he wouldn’t even think of laying a hand on her.

Lol, jokes aside, no way he was completely miserable with Laena and she definitely didn’t make him miserable. If anything she calmed his psycho ass down. The man wasn’t miserable because of her(he was just missing the walking corpse he called a brother). That was the most stable time in his life. Which isn’t saying much, but it is what is even if they don’t want to admit that.

You know what he would’ve done if he was actually miserable, wanted Missy Anne, or wanted out of his marriage? He would’ve broken out the good old divorce rock🪨

We are talking about a man who does what he wants with no impunity. He has no qualms about killing family or abusing/murdering his wives.

He could’ve easily killed Laena(especially while she was in labor), but he didn’t do that. He wanted to be with Laena(which is why he married her even though Miss Maegor was begging him to choose her back in episode 5). For all intents and purposes he was content with the means to an end.

Yeah they are all fictional, but these are people are blending real life with fiction cause it’s clear that the main reason why they keep saying this crap is because Laena was made Blackish. These Karen’s refuse to relate to Black(ish) woman on any level so they now are hyping up their titanic ship because Missy Anne is white and blonde.

Real talk, I don’t even think most of them actually care about Missy Anne as a character. She’s just a mascot cause they want to ride Daemon’s dick(no judgements cause Miss Maegor is lame, and Daemon is hot, but they need to be honest about it. I’d never ship something where my fave is being beaten upside her head by her man).

Now Daemon and Laena’s marriage was far far far from perfect in the show. He was not the best husband to her. She definitely deserved better than what he gave her, but they really are trying it when he keeps going Ike Turner on their self insert.

Yes, Laena dies and she’s a minor character, but she does have an impact on the story and on Daemon’s arc. They won’t admit that though because they actively trying to limit her impact.

(See how they keep trying to associate her girls with Daemon as Miss Maegor’s daughters cause the queen of flops gave birth to a lizard instead of a daughter “who looks like” Daemon to replace the half-breeds).

And even though they took away her fire in the show and made her into some poor helpless unloved woman(aka a stereotype), she still made an impact because if she was truly a bump in the road they would’ve stopped talking about her as soon as she offed herself.

The bar is in hell yes, but they need to recognize where they stand.

Honestly this whole discourse is once again pathetic and riddled with Casper the unfriendly ghost sociopaths being butthurt that their ship is pathetic.

They have to use headcanons to prop it up cause the books make it clear Laena was Daemon’s most beloved wife and Valyrian Karen was abandoned for Nettles(let’s not get into that cause she sends the methheads into a rage) while the show has him beating their self insert black and blue.

No one is trying to make this about race, but when you have people calling fictional characters the n-word, comparing them to monkeys, saying it’s okay to cut a Black character because there are too many Black people on the show, saying that it’s a shame Daemon doesn’t have any daughters he can relate to cause the ones he has aren’t white, and saying that it’s a determintal character trait to have Daemon sleep with Black women, well how else are we supposed to view it?

This doesn’t even cover half the demented crap they’ve said and we aren’t even getting into how they start gang stalking you, and trying to gaslight you into believing their lies, when you call them out on the bullshit.

Someone who isn’t racist would say those things. You can dislike a character or characters, but when you base your hate on racism, well congratulations! You’re a racist!

It’s so frustrating dealing with this fandom because any time you point out the obvious misogynoir you become the bad guy, the hater, the bitch, whatever. People only like you when you don’t rock the boat(aka don’t say anything about this because you’re bringing down the vibes), but how are you supposed to turn the other cheek when you see that?

The moment Laena became Black she became worthless to this fandom and the showrunners, to the point where they are only comfortable with her fitting into a stereotype.

Well now we are both ranting so I think we are even 🤣 I do love Daemon, but I love to drag him when he does wrong(I love my girls more than him so he’s in the doghouse. Book!Daemon would be ashamed of show!Daemon). Thank God fanfiction exists(and the books). Can’t wait to read yours. I’ll be updating mines this weekend)🙌🏽

[elevatormusic]

my first reactions with zero context: only friends ep 8

immediately no

correct it is not right go tell them

girl. i hate this friend group saying they’re each others friends bc they’re all so shitty to each other

also?? why are you so worried about mew but never ray?? like babe he’s your friend too tf??

i beg of all of them to not be friends at the end of this show

wrong

true she’s the best

nooo baby

i know the fuck you’re not coming to talk to him

tell him no

also i do not like the shirt ray is wearing and it’s distracting me

you’re dating mew now dog?? you shouldn’t need an excuse anymore?? hello

run sand run away please

facts

you’re too good of a person i stg

i don’t understand what ray expected here lmao

no.

YES KING SET YOUR BOUNDARIES

you’re fucking joking bruh

man fuck you

he really won’t but also i want him to leave you alone so yes tell him that shit

dog you have no right. all you’ve done is treat him like shit

huh? why make drama for them? they aren’t even a big part of this show??

okay but tbh it’s not like ray is making this man do that shit? mew asked him for it

he’s really not in your way just move him lol

sir you do drugs idk how you can say that with a straight face

are you tho

fair tho

also fair

lmaoo i forgot he was actually in school still 😭

why’s he sitting like that tho💀 it looks so uncomfortable

ray’s kinda dumb huh

he very much made it clear to you already

tell his ass

say no sand i stg

straight up he saved your ass why should he do community service with you

ask your boyfriend???????

*shouting approval* *my dog jumped i’m sorry to her*

don’t let him manipulate you

“hanging out with ray so much” as if he wasn’t best friends with him this entire time? he literally hung out with him the most out of the friend group

well he’s not lol

cute

old people? you’re like 3 years older shut up

lick????? is this wrong translation? is this a real saying in thailand?

oh is he about to fuck up that relationship too?

me too bestie

yes.

again not saying ray isn’t toxic normally but like he’s not the one asking mew to do all this

don’t want a band anymore. bc he’s cutting you off lmao

what do you mean? why did he invite ton? and top? is he about to take his revenge there?

oh my that sound was awful

oh he went right for actual drugs

king he did not pick you. he’s using you

“someone i should love” but you don’t actually love him

hated that

told you

so he didn’t invite him? then who invited ton?

this is lowkey extremely overboard behavior just because his boyfriend cheated on him my god

he never once messed with your freedom please stop embarrassing yourself

oh god stop what the fuck

hold on what’s it got to do with sand if nick went? did he drag him there?

a queer icon okay sand i see you

mans said hurry up so i can leave

oh my god the mustache is so bad

LETS GO MY BI REPRESENTATION

what the fuck ray let the man kiss a fellow bisexual

why should he? he. doesn’t. want. to. be. your. friend.

this poor guy

annoyed sand is back baby. the world is healing

dude!!!! what the fuck

i didn’t think it was possible for ray to get more toxic but here we are

yes get mad at him

hit him sand

interesting that he’s finally admitting he has feelings for him at this point in time

HELL YEAH HELL FUCKING YEAH

did he really just ask that? in 2023?

when the worst person you know makes a good point

there’s no way he put his head on his shoulder like that. i know something about to be hurting him after this scene

wait for real?

what are you mad for? you knew that shit from the start

the four of you literally don’t give a shit about each other

thank god. 2 friends down. 2 to go

HA

not top actually saving ray this time that’s kinda funny actually

good i’m glad sand left ray there

[flowerinjuries]

Hi darling I enjoyed your kink post and I’d like to ask for Mark lee type of bf, thank you

mark lee as a boyfriend…

the soft side:

was super shy around u at first and hesitated to initiate any skinship, but as u two got closer he’d be the type to always have one arm around your shoulders and mess your hair up by playing with it all the time

even though he’s pretty chill and rather quiet around strangers, he won’t hesitate to do small things for you like order for you

but he’s also really protective of you so if anyone messes with you he will 100% tell them to fuck off

mark lee hates to see you upset, so he does absolutely anything he can to see your pretty smile

he loves to buy stupid knick knacks at stores that remind him of you

and he also always picks up your favorite snacks whenever he’s at the grocery store

i wouldn’t call him a romantic person, but he always has you on his mind and enjoys doing small things that bring you joy

this boy loves to make you laugh

you never tell him when his jokes are shitty though because he laughs so hard at them it’s contagious and his laugh is your favorite sound in the world

when he makes you laugh along with him it’s like winning a gold medal in his mind; he takes pride and joy in the fact that he’s the one that gets the pleasure to see you so happy and comfortable

mark loves to be your big spoon when the two of you cuddle, even if he’s smaller than you he doesn’t care

he wants to be the one that makes you feel secure in his arms - it’s not much of a possessive thing, more so he just loves the feeling of wrapping his arms around you and making you warm

this is how the two of you fall asleep the easiest.

he loves to call you “babe” or “baby” and you call him the same

however if you baby him too much he might pout a little (even though he secretly enjoys it) - he loves being your baby boy

mark talks about you ALLLLL the time, this guy does not shut up about you

it gets so bad that when he’s not around you, his friends can sense his sadness and suggest he go to you instead of stay there with them

you and mark are each other’s other half - he’s your sun and you’re his moon

he loves it when you wear his clothes (specifically his hoodies)

it’s become such a habit of yours that you often playfully argue over who owns what

sometimes you both plan on wearing the same thing on the same day - spoiler alert, mark gives in and always lets you wear it instead of him

besides, he thinks anything looks better on you anyway.

a relationship with mark is really easygoing and fun - you two always feel relaxed around each other and very rarely argue - you will eventually get so used to each other you barely need words to communicate

the not-so-soft side (nsfw/18+):

as i’ve mentioned previously, i think mark lee is 100% a switch when it comes to sex

he’s not insanely kinky since your relationship is very chill

it’s usually your decision who should dom when you have sex: 50/50 chance it’s you, same odds it’s mark

the sex is relatively soft and quick, but god mark knows what he’s doing no matter the position or role he’s in

this guy fucks so hard

loves it when you tug on his hair and beg or demand for more from him

he usually always gives you what you want

makes you cum so many times

but he doesn’t dare to edge you

both of you love oral sex - it’s just become a huge part of your relationship

he loves to taste you and to him, sex isn’t sex without going down on you first thing

your moans are his encouragement and he strives to always make you moan as loud as possible

he always leaves cute lil hickies between your thighs <3

runs his hands all over your body and whispers such lovely praises

he just wished you could see yourself how he sees you: the most beautiful person in the world

even if he insists he doesn’t want it, you beg him to let you suck him off or fuck your throat

he loses himself at the sight of you begging and pleading, he fears he might cum in his pants

sucks in his breaths and bites his lip as you give him head while you’re on your bruised knees

you turn him on so so much

your big eyes looking up at him always bring him to heaven

he’s so desperate for more, and the two of you spend the rest of the night doing whatever you want

whether that means fucking until dawn or falling asleep in the tight embrace of mark lee’s arms: you decide!

and that’s what i think it’s like to have mark as a bf!!!

if you enjoyed reading this pls don’t hesitate to send me more asks about any nct member! i always need inspiration <3

[luna-indigoduh]

Ok I’ve been gone for a bit but I’m back and got something cute for you all. This hasn’t been proof read at all and I’m just excited to finally post something now that I have more muse. So here you guys go and I hope you love it.

Ok I’ve been gone for a while but I’ve been thinking about a pro hero Bakugo who honestly never thought he would have time to date. He spends most of his time in his office or off traveling for some important mission, not ever giving himself a break or the time to even think about a significant other.

Bakugo spends his free days with a set routine. Getting up early for breakfast. Going to the gym and wondering if his friends were free. Even though he was a little rough around the edges he can’t help but to spend more time with them than he would like to admit. Most of his friends were in relationships but he didn’t care much. He doesn’t mind being a third wheel and he was sure they didn’t care. At least he thought they didn’t care. They cared a lot more than he knew.

Bakugo has been on at least four dates that weren’t his own within the last month. Tagging along with kiri and Mina where they manage to have off. He offers to cook them dinner because what’s more romantic than his food. This is the same Bakugo who forced himself in on Kaminari and Jirou movie date, doing nothing but shushing them The Who time cause he couldn’t hear the movie. They all didn’t think too much about it until he somehow found himself on Midoryas and Urakas anniversary date. Loud explosive male barged into his best friend's home telling them not to mind him as he made his way in his home. He didn’t even realize what day it was until he saw the freckled male on one knee. Once he did that they knew they had to get him out of their hair.

That was when his friends had gotten the idea. Well it was mostly seros. It started with them all complaining about how lonely and overbearing the male was. How if he just had someone of his own they probably wouldn’t have such an issue with him. That’s when Sero gave them the genius idea.

“Make him a tinder.”

Ok they all know this could get them all killed. Katsuki was definitely not the type to use tinder and they all knew but it was obvious he needed someone to spend his everyday with. So it had to be done. It took some time to make the account. What would Katsuki tinder even look like? His caption would probably have Great Lord Explosion Murder God Dynamite somewhere. Would also express he should be the number one hero over ‘shitty Deku’. Was he a cat person or a dog person?

They had finished the account and very quickly started to swipe on people who they thought were katsuki’s type. It probably wasn’t the best idea to do it in their break room of the agency cause when the ashy blonde entered the room to ask if any of them had seen his phone they couldn’t find the words to speak. Rambles about how it’s just a joke and how they meant no harm were quick to leave their lips. Only earning harsh glare from the male as he snatched his phone.

Katsuki couldn’t believe that his friends thought this of him. He didn’t need a stupid app to help him find a relationship. He was Katsuki fucking Bakugo. Any one would be happy to be with him. Plus he was happily single. He wasn’t lonely. Or desperate for love he kept telling himself. He was just going to delete the app anyways once he was off. Well that’s what he thought he would do.

After finding his friends with his phone the male had a long day. It felt like he couldn’t catch a break. Stopping a robbery, helping a burning building evacuation and finding himself in an intense fight against a villain who just wouldn’t give up. He was drained and felt as if a weight that he couldn’t even hold up. The weight seemed to become even more crushing when he entered his empty apartment. Everything seemed to have been weighing on him. He decided to just sleep this feeling off. He ate dinner, showered and headed to bed. His eyes shutting with ease ready to sleep off his day

Ding

Everyone who knew Katsuki knew not to text him after work unless it was an emergency. He didn’t understand who thought they were important enough to interrupt his sleep. Deciding to quickly check it. Leaning over to his nightstand grabbing his phone as the blue light illuminated his dark room to see a notification. He had gotten a match. Wasn’t surprising. He didn’t think much of it since last he saw the app he had a few matches last he saw when he took his phone away from the idiots he calls his friends. He was going to set it down when the phone dinged again from the notification. This time a message.

“ Didn’t take the Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight as a cat person.”

Katsuki blinked at the message a few times before internally sighing at the thought that now everyone who saw his profile would be quick to respond to him. Most were asking if it was the real him. Others say how he’s their favorite hero,but no one had the balls to taunt him. He would be lying if he said you didn’t spark his interest at that moment. Clicking on the notification and heading to your profile to see if you were even worthy to mock him.

The male looked through your photos and instantly became more interested. You were beautiful. Melanated skin shining like gold in every photo you allowed the world to see. He loved seeing how in each photo your hair was different. Each style brings out your features in different ways. Your gorgeous face wasn’t the only thing that caught his attention. It seemed you two had similar interests. Pictures of you hiking, at the gym, and cooking made him wonder.

One message wouldn’t be bad right. He wouldn’t get attached just texting you for a few minutes. He decided he’d send a quick reply. It’s not like one text would ruin his night of sleep. He had self control.

“I’m not,” was all he sent back to you before turning off his ringer and rolling over in bed.

The next morning Katsuki assumed you would have thought he ghosted you or that he could just ignore you but it being his day off it wasn’t exactly that easy. All his friends were busy either working or spending time with their significant other and with him being completely done with regular routine he didn’t have much to do. He sat on his couch bored aimlessly scrolling through his phone after working out. He saw the small red dot on the fire app symbolizing he had a notification and decided to check it. He ignored every message but yours seeing you already had a sly comment sent back to him.

“Ah I always figured the one and only Dynamite would be a dog person,” he said reading the first message as he saw you were typing. His face soon formed a scowl.

“You always gave me Pomeranian type energy.”

Ok now he truly did want to just ignore the message. He already thought this app was a stupid idea and now he knew for sure it was a stupid idea. To your luck though there was no way he would just let you call him some small, not badass dog and get away with it.

“A Pomeranian? If anything I’m a fucking scary one.”

“Pomeranians can be scary, plus they have fluffy hair and are cute like another blonde.”

Katsuki was a bit stunned that you actually sent him that message. He also found it amusing when you sent him a bunch of apologizes and expressing how much of a dumb pick up line it was. He decided why not text you a bit more to see where this all went.

Texting you started as a maybe you once a day thing before katsuki fell asleep where you would tease each other back and forth and maybe ask some questions just to get to know each other. Then it became texting once he woke up in the morning and before he fell asleep. It started with you sending him a cute little good morning after he had crashed after getting off from a long mission. It made him feel good to wake up to a text from someone. Especially someone who seemed to care for him.

That was around the time his friends began to notice how the male seemed to be smiling a lot more at his phone when it seemed like no one was watching. How he seemed to type so quickly on his phone seemingly being in a rush. Plus it was obvious that something or someone had him occupied since he was now out of his friends' hair and focused on talking to you more.

Though Katsuki was enjoying getting to text you everyday and what soon became late night FaceTime calls where you’d fall asleep talking to each other, he wanted to meet you in person. The thought of it made his stomach turn truly. He didn’t want to scare you off or become too much to deal with just as he did to his friends. The day you asked to see him though he couldn’t stop himself from saying yes.

You both agreed to meet up that night since he didn’t have much time off coming up and you had a busy work schedule yourself. So why not tonight? Well katsuki could think of several reasons why once he was at work.

To his luck this day just seemed like fuck over Katsuki day. Firstly Izuku wasn’t in due to him being out cake testing for his wedding with Ochako. So he was being called on basically anything they would have chosen the number one hero to do. Oh how he loved being the replacement. Thanks to having so much work to do that meant he had all the paperwork included. This meant a late night stay at the agency after he had been in meetings all day, and having villains try their best to kill him.

Once he was home he could feel that weight he had felt before by filling the room. The way it was so empty and cold didn’t help boost his excitement for your date tonight. It didn’t help that he had promised to make you dinner at his house. By the time it was he definitely wouldn’t have time to start anything so it was a pizza kind of night.

When you knocked on the door it took him some time to answer it before. When he did it was very obvious the male had been through a rough day. Dark circles make home around the males eyes. The tension on his shoulders is easy to spot with just a glance at him. Easily being able to read how his day was on his face. Oh how he wished you didn’t have to see him this way.

He apologized for not being able to make you dinner as he guided you inside which you told him it was ok. You suggested a movie, he figured that you noticed the tiredness in his face. It was unusual for him to have someone even consider if he needed rest.

You both sat on his couch as the movie started. Butterflies in both of your stomachs. While katsuki could barely keep his eyes open. The sound of the movie going in and out. His eyes becoming heavier and heavier as the weight he was trying to ignore became his main focus on his mind. Hating each second of it when he wanted to be focused on the beautiful girl by his side.

“Do you need to vent?”

It was a simple question that brought the male back to reality. The one that caused him to look over at you for a quick second then back to the tv. “I don’t vent,”was all he could respond with.

He wasn’t comfortable with venting. He was never good at putting his feelings and thoughts into words. He didn’t think he would be able to do that with you especially since it was only the first time meeting you. So he thought it was the end of your comfort.

“That’s ok, we could cuddle if you like. You look like you need some rest and don’t be stubborn either.”

He gave you another look at your statement. After just talking over text and FaceTime you knew him too well for his own good already. He let out a soft breath before finally caving in and allowing himself to get comfortable.

You assisted on being the big spoon even after the blonde argued repeatedly that he was big spoon material. So he laid against your chest as you played in his hair aimlessly. Your goal was to get the male to relax and you did just that. It didn’t take long for his eyes to flutter shut and for him to take in your scent of your vanilla perfume that took over his mind before he gently fell asleep.

Early in the morning the male woke up letting out a yawn. His home felt different. Something new about it as he woke up lashed batting as they adjusted to the scenery. He didn’t feel the heaviness of weight on his shoulder, the loneliness and cold feeling completely gone from him. He looked up from the spot he rested and smiled at the sight in front of him.

You slept peacefully. Arms loosely around the male as light snores escaped from your lips. That’s what was different. Just your comfort brough light and warmth into the males home. It was the feeling he always looked for. The feeling he stayed so close to his friends for and now he finally got it for himself. He wanted to keep it forever.

All thanks to a stupid app tinder.

Meet my stars; @pervysenpaix @tenyaiidasslut @blkchxrryblyss @nasty-quillz @sintiva @bookwormsenpai @namjoonswifeyy @bl--ankhaeji @xogabbiexo @dabilovesme @riozakii @thicksimpx @plussizeficchick

[fairy-pd]

Gabriel May finally finds a healthy coping mechanism - agere hcs

Hurt/comfort, gremlin man gets the love he deserves, GN reader, regressor!reader, sfw, mentions of trauma

MY BEAUTIFUL BABY MAN BABY. I LOVE HIM YOUR HONOR. HE STINKS SO BAD G O D

general hcs:

I cannot stress this enough: in this household we support Gabriel's rights and Gabriel's wrongs

In my opinion he was just a really misunderstood and abused kid, who coped with ppl villainizing him constantly by becoming the monster everyone accused him of being

He internalized his traumatic experiences and now believes he's basically the antichrist and that he's incapable of changing

Also he could've not, yknow, killed a bunch of ppl and terrorized his sister for years, he is totally responsible for being a shitty person dont get me wrong

But at the same time, he was a kid. I feel bad for the fact that becoming this vengeful ghost of a person was the best option in his young mind. No child should ever have to make that choice, no kid should even consider that as a choice

He still is, in some ways, mentally a child. He didn't get to experience the milestones for an adult that Emily did, and from day one he was treated like a thing. His inner child is constantly *screaming* at him, begging for attention, but he got pretty good at pushing his feelings down and ignoring his own needs while in pursuit of his goals

He is very very immature because of all this. Think tantrums, having a terrible sense of object permanence, deeply rooted abandonment issues, etc

Even tho Emily managed to lock in that mind??? prison ??? thing??? he still gets out from time to time and that's how he met you: fucking around town while he could

Im not gonna dwelve in too deep as to how you guys started a relationship (romantic or platonic) but now you're the only person he trusts

He is capable of feeling empathy, just not a lot and not for everyone. With you he feels incredibly sensitive and caring, which is totally foreign to him and kinda makes him feel like he's gone "soft" - so don't make fun of him (or a big a deal out of the whole thing) when he expresses concern, or he will shut you down like he did with his sister

I kinda hc him as using sarcasm/humor to cope, so he'd be cracking some witty jokes here and there whenever he's nervous about doing something

his regression/caregiving style:

He is a flip through and through, though it would take a long time for him to accept his "little" side

He hates being vulnerable, hates not having the upper hand and control over things, so he would downright beat himself up for being "weak" and still having these childlike needs and thoughts

But remember he feels like he's doomed, like he can't help being a "monster"? Being a caregiver would help him immensely with these thoughts because even though he's a piece of shit gremlin, he would never intentionally hurt a child

So by letting yourself regress around him he would learn he can choose his fate. He is not doomed, because he is capable of seeing you in your most vulnerable state and not even consider the idea of taking advantage of that

And that blows his mind off lmao

And for some ~mysterious reason~ he starts to feel a little better, and to do a little better

Needless to say Emily is beyond grateful you're in their lives. Gabriel totally refuses to go to therapy (doctorphobic lol), and their relationship is as bad as it gets, but since you showed up Gabriel hasn't been a prick to her. He is very moody still, but they're not fighting over control of their brain and body anymore. Because of you, they started to be able to tolerate each other's presence and now they try their best to both not fight in front of you and to share their body as best as they can

He lowkey doesn't know how to act around you at first lmao, its kinda of endearing. He wont show but he's gonna be panicking inside and will wonder if the slightest touch or thing he says would hurt you

He cares. A lot, all the time, and since its just the two of you and he feels so strangely safe around you, he'll allow himself to be 100% invested in taking care of you

He's a craftsman, which could maybe make you think he'd spoil you rotten with gifts (which he will) but I feel he also wouldn't want to shut up about how absolutely adorable you look

Wouldn't go too crazy with the nicknames tho, at most would call you kitten/puppy/bunny

I figured moving probably feels pretty painful to him, so he'll deal a lot better with calm/sleepy regressors

But don't get too excited thinking he'd let you do whatever you want: he can and he will put you on one of those kid leashes with the backpack if he has to

I think that, with time, he'd go from a sort of lenient cg to a more strict one- it would help him to give someone rules to follow cus he'd have to take care of himself better to be able to take care of you

The most therapeutic thing to him about all this is to be able to give someone the childhood he didn't get to have: you'll never feel alone, he'll never belittle you or make you feel like there's something inherently wrong with you

On the contrary: he'd make a point on teaching your regressed self to love and accept yourself as best as you can

BIG fan of gentle parenting, got a tiktok account solely to watch those vids and to make mental notes on how to better care for you

Would get pretty jealous and protective over you and your relationship, specially around Emily

If you guys ever go out together and you happen to regress in public he will not let you feel bad about it. You better not take that paci out of your mouth honey, cus there's nothing to be ashamed of here

He isnt super big on parental nicknames, thinks dada/papa is fine but absolutely prefers bubba over those

Isnt super excited about touch at first either. At the begging of your relationship he would outright refuse it, but since discovering his cg headspace he has allowed himself to admit he's absolutely somewhat touch starved

Expect lots of little touches here and there, like brushing hair out of your face/tucking it behind your ear, adjusting your clothes, fixing your eyebrows, etc

Melts when you hug or compliment him. Will never ever let himself admit it tho, but will thank you for doing it

He keeps every drawing/little gifts you give him somewhere Emily wont find it, so he can 1) keep small you all to himself 2) protect his reputation as a stone cold and uncaring guy and 3) gush to himself over how lucky he is to have found you

Remember he's a craftsman? He loves making you big gifts out of literally anything he can get his hands on i.e. has turned one of Emily's old wooden pieces into a bunch of Montessori-inspired toys and plans on doing it again, cus fuck you Emily

Despite being good with big pieces, his fine motor skills are a disaster (thanks for having to use Emily's arms backwards). If you ever let him do your hair he will mess it up (and will get a good laugh out of both of you)

He is a great storyteller and loves playing pretend: will make up bed time stories on the spot

He's got a lot to learn, but if you give him enough love and try to be patient he'll outmatch your energy and will dedicate himself, body and soul, to you

Super caring cg once he finds a safe place to live and thrive in

i love him thats all. hope it wasnt too bad!! im kinda sleepy so apologies if something isn't consistent, I'll proofread this later. see ya, pt. 3 of tommy hewitt as a cg coming soon after this one❤

[bruciemilf]

I hope you don't mind me chipping my own two cents in your hc!! Sorry your writing and angst also made me think all sorts of plots and feels that I couldn't just not share 😭😭

I wonder if Bruce's constant objectifying/harassment ever got spread around the league until no matter how close or not Batman is with you, they know how one of their leaders got treated as part of his daily life.

I mean, it's a pretty huge deal; Oliver might just tell people to tread lightly around Bruce and to not attempt any sexual remarks around the man. Putting himself as Bruce's newly, worrywart big brother in the scenes

Ted Kord whisk Bruce away to a business talk when a creep straight up fondle Bruce's ass (Michael Carter once punched a guy for it and couldn't come unless he finds a secure place to punch a creep)

Green Lanterns Corps and Batman are never in good terms, and when they found out how Batman's civilian identity acts, they shared a few jabs and laugh together. But after what Hal told them and how actually disturbing the whole ordeal is. Even the lanterns grow worry about their bat friend.

 

So whenever there's a media coverage and bustling reporters trying to trapped Bruce in, the Lanterns will shout at them to back off and give Bruce enough time to escape. Jessica prefers to comfort Bruce as they both run away from the press while everyone else is holding them back, she feels like he needs some.

(On the other hand, Guy loves shoving entitled paparazzi away, so it's a win-win!!)

 

Even his children's friends knows! They can see how Cass is seething at any particular ladies who go up to her dad. Dick usually consult to Wally and his team about his frustrations and concerns (which in turn only spread further). Tim, despite being a pretty secretive person, always makes it known to his friends about what's going on with Batman's life. Jason and Damian will rant to whoever is willing to listen and go off each time. Duke is usually awkward and uncomfortable when talking about it, while Steph won't shut up about his treatment.

Sometimes they invite their friends to his galas whenever they weren't able to attend them and keep those creeps in check.

Especially Carmine Falcone, whose creepiness to child Brucie (even now, which is no different) is widely known in the hero communities that it's not joke anymore. There's heroes who outright said Falcone is their least favourite villain and he won the most hated general guy in the league

Bruce has mixed feelings over all this. At first, he's grateful that his love ones are look out for him, even in the most trivial of times. He would do the same to be honest.

But...its getting out of hand where, this help only make Bruce feel even more helpless — Like Bruce is bringing all those disgusting leers onto himself, he can handle it. He should handle it. He knows how to handle it. He's not actually some dumb fragile glass that they need to treat with caution. Saving himself from dire situations, mentally reminds himself who he is and what he's worth. You can't just take it from him. Nevertheless, there's times he can't and it went too far...

Right now, after being saved from another weird cultist kidnappers; Constantine and Patrick are ushering him away from the masses while Dinah is holding people back with Kory and Dick. Its not about Bruce, the papers aren't going to be about him, and yet they treated as if it is. And Bruce, lets them. Bruce lets them handle him like some damsel in distress who couldn't do anything to save himself.

Bruce hates that part of himself. Ashamed even. Being saved like this will constantly remind Bruce that he's still playing the same poor, pretty little orphan in need of rescue at that shitty alley— by his family, friends, coworkers and even their fucking children. Thus, it further solidify his shamed. Bruce resents it, but doesn't know what to make out of it

K, so im gonna copy and paste my response from the previous part here!!

I LOVEEEEEE your points about Bruce's inner struggle with accepting care vs embracing care. I feel like this trope for THAT context frame echoes truth especially loudly.

Bruce being a victim of SA/Sexual Harassment and not rationalising that bc it happens SO often that he just. Stopped characterizating it as Harassment hits. Because I feel like.

Men don't know how to accept a help that doesn't harm them. Weather it's alpha male coaches embarassing them and their identity that they themselves seek out, or balantly ignoring clear signs of abuse, there's a certain viciousness in how men treat themselves and their trauma.

Bruce is like that not because he wants to appear MANLY, or because he thinks it's a Women's Thing, but simply because he sees himself as a tower of protection. What's the point of protecting others if you can't even protect yourself?

[folkloreguk]

French Class [6]

A/N: You guys might want to whack out your love song playlist for this one…I cried writing this BYE I'm posting this from my grave!!

genre: optional bias (m) x reader (f), fwb, f2l?, college!au, fuckboy!bias, nerd!reader, ANGST, smut

words: ~ 3.8 k

✽series masterlist✽

taglist (lmk if u wanna be added!): @lovely-ateez, @runaway-fics, @mainexiii, @awfullytiredbuthealing, @erikyoong, @etherealuv, @staysuki, @justcuz-ican, @yeostars, @hyuckthangs, @teenloves, @mexious18-blog, @sunghoonied, @mailobjaeyoon

couldn’t tag: @chorizoek

You: can I come over? I kind of need u

H/N: you need me huh…you’re lucky I’m home alone

It always starts differently. Some other question, or a subtle message of telling him you’re bored, or a flat-out confession of being horny. The ending is always the same. You, naked in his bed. You just had to get there, and things were easy when you were already on his dorm’s doorstep.

The moment he had opened the door, you had fistfuls of his hair between your fingers and attacked his mouth in a feverish kiss. He made a noise between a laugh and surprise but reacted quickly. His lips parted right away, letting you in, and you tasted mint from the chewing gum he liked so much.

“Let me- at least- close the door,” he mumbled. “Jeez, what’s gotten into you today?”

You stepped aside and mirrored his grin. He was acting surprised, but the way he instantly locked your lips after he had shut the door told you he was enjoying this as much as you were. You ran your hands down his torso and along the side of his thighs. His happy hum only poured oil into the fire, and you saw no reason as to why you should have kept your clothes on any longer. In minutes, in the middle of heated kisses and clumsy chuckles, your clothes were discarded, and you were left in your underwear. You stumbled into his bedroom in a tangle of arms and legs and heads barely pulling apart.

“Will you tell me about the date you had today or are we skipping over that part?” he asked, as he pushed you down by the shoulders onto his bed. You groaned a little, not even knowing where to start.

“Didn’t go well, huh?” he asked. Only a few nights ago you had consoled him after his failed date, now the roles were reversed.

“That’s one way to put it,” you said. He was climbing on top of you now, and the weight of him between your thighs still did the same things to you it had done the first time. There was one of his random playlists playing quietly from the speakers, but you were both too occupied to even consider switching the music off. You weren’t in the mood for a chat, not when he was biting and sucking bruises into your chest, pushing aside your bra just enough. But you knew he wasn’t going to let it go this easily.

“Tell me about it or I won’t take one more piece of clothing off your body,” he threatened. You shot him an are-you-serious-look while he only blinked at you innocently, like he was awaiting your response.

“Fine,” you groaned. “But hurry, now.”

“That’s my girl,” he said, before unclasping your bra and throwing it to the other side of the room. “Go ahead, I expect a story.”

You had rolled your eyes at him, but when he sucked on your nipple all of a sudden, and his tongue flicked over the sensitive bud ever so perfectly, your eyes moved to the back of your head involuntarily. And, before he could complain, you started to retell today’s events.

“Alright. First of all, he acted all gentleman-y. Pulling back my chair at the restaurant, letting me have a look at the menu first, letting me order first, asking me if I was okay with our seats because they were in the sunshine, or whether he should have requested we get a different in the shade table, blah, blah, blah.”

With the lewd noises he was making, kissing your chest and fumbling with your breasts, you almost wondered whether he was paying attention to you at all.

“I’m waiting for the plot twist,” he chuckled. “If he had been this great, you wouldn’t be in my bed right now, would you?” He was now on his way to your lower regions. Your breaths came out shaky when he gripped your hips with familiar fingertips and placed a few kisses there, right above the material of your underwear. Nonetheless, you had to continue your story.

“Oh, it’s coming,” you said. “Because I suspect, the only reason he was acting that way was to compensate. For the fact that he was an hour late.”

He stifled a laugh, and you slapped his head playfully. “It’s not funny! I stood outside that restaurant on a busy street like an idiot for an hour. During exam season!”

“I wonder, if studying is so special to you- ,” he said. He tugged on your underwear, and you barely cared about his words when you were already imagining his mouth on your pussy. “Why aren’t you at home right now, doing just that?”

“Too frustrated,” you groaned, spreading your legs, practically inviting him in. “You don’t get it. That was only the beginning of the date. It gets worse.”

“Oh, damn,” he laughed, and you were going to slap him again. Harder, this time. But his tongue kitten-licked over your clit and you didn’t dare interrupt him further.

“First of all, he turned out to be boring. An economics major. And look, I’m not generalizing, I’ve met some cool economics majors. But when I said I never really understood the whole thing with inflation and deflation, I wasn’t asking for him to explain it to me. I know what it means, I just meant to say money is the root of all evil,” you said, little moans slipping inbetween your sentences. He laughed whilst sipping on your clit. You couldn’t be mad at his laughing anymore. In fact, at the sound of his chuckles, your own lips curled into a smile, too. God, he was so good with his tongue.

“But turns out he loved money. Like it was the sole reason he was doing anything. When he showed me his gold watch I almost yawned,” you continued.

“Dating a rich guy can have its upsides too, though,” he said, but you knew he was joking. He was running the tips of his fingers over your core, and you whimpered at how badly you wanted him to put them inside of you. You loved watching him, loved feeling his hair tickle the side of your thighs and having his free hand laying on top of your hipbone. The familiarity of it all, his little habits, made your heart heavy, so full of emotion, all of a sudden. But you had to snap out of it.

“Not this guy. He kept saying these lowkey sexist things I won’t repeat now. It’ll only make me mad again. He was one of those who thought money would buy him a girlfriend. And I was really trying to see the good in him…only there was none,” you said.

“Alright, I’m starting to understand why you needed some cheering up,” he said. “Good thing you’re at the right place. I know just the thing.”

At this, he slid his digits into you. You hummed and dropped your head into the plush pillow. Slowly, you exhaled, happy you finally got to relax after being so upset. But of course, he had to interrupt. Again.

“Did I say you could stop? Was that the end of the story?” he said. How did he expect you to form a coherent sentence? He fingered you gently, but the slowness of it all only drove you crazier. You felt every tiny sensation, every new bit of you he touched.

“No,” you sulked. “Fuck, it feels so good.”

“Go on, then,” he encouraged you, grinning because he was proud of your reaction he had caused.

“Fuck- okay. He was super shitty to the waiter. I’m talking about criticizing everything. This man had the audacity to complain about the food. I’m not a food critic, but I swear the food was amazing, there was nothing to fault at all,” you said, and then whined when he switched from licking your clit to sucking it between his teeth. You knew he was doing this on purpose. To make speaking harder for you.

“Oh my god, H/N. Wait, let me finish this. Not only was he horrible to the waiter in person, but he also made fun of the waiter’s appearance behind his back. And all along he expected me to find him funny. I used to think he had a sense of humor but not after today. Blech.”

“At least you got a free dinner?” he said, and without awaiting your answer, went back to work. Your head was spinning in pleasure, and you could only laugh sarcastically at his suggestion.

“Yeah. And after that train wreck of a date, he really thought he’d get to stick his tongue down my throat,” you said.

“Did he at least ask permission?” asked the boy between your legs.

“Mhm…but I told him I don’t do that on the first date,” you said. “Safe to say there won’t be another date, though.”

He looked up now, laughing more than before. You grinned, mainly because the sight of him was so cute. He folded his hands on your belly and put his face down onto your skin to giggle. In no way could you be upset or urge him to keep giving you head. In fact, you had forgotten about all of that for a while, as he seemed to enjoy your misfortune a little too wildly. You should have been hungry, eager to have the half-naked boy inside of you. Yet, you laughed at the way his breaths tickled your stomach and when he finally made eye contact, it was a wholly different sort of hunger which overcame you. Instead of the heat he usually made you feel, it was a comfortable warmth that was in your chest. It reminded you of a bonfire or of drinking your favorite hot drink on a cool autumn day.

“I want to watch you come,” he said, casually. “Were you close?”

You were so lost in his trustworthy, dreamy eyes, you almost forgot to reply. Quickly, you nodded and hummed.

“I would have already come, had you not pestered me to tell you all the details of my date,” you said. The way his cheeks beamed when he smiled made you feel as if your insides were turning into mush.

“I’m sorry. I’m your friend, aren’t I allowed to ask how your day went?” he asked.

“Of course you are,” you said. The word ‘friend’ echoed off every wall in your head until you wished you could have deleted it from the dictionary.

“I’ll make sure it feels extra good now,” he said, kissing your stomach. You shivered as you watched his gentle lips move lower, to your hips and the insides of your thighs. The touch felt like butterfly wings on your skin, and the tardiness of it made you impatient. When his tongue came in contact with your clit again, you sucked in a breath of surprise.

He tried to start slowly, but then you gripped his hair tightly, and carefully pushed him further. It was something you did often, a way to tell him you wanted more without having to use words. After all this time, he understood perfectly. Your clit was between his lips and his tongue flicked over the sensitive bundle of nerves with just the right amount of pleasure. It felt incredible, creating a funny sensation in the pit of your stomach. His fingers grazed over your slit until you were whimpering and shifting your hips, trying to make him hurry.

One of his digits slid into you easily, curling against your sweet spot, and it hit you only now how much you had missed him between your legs since he had stopped a few minutes ago. It made you feel as though you were suddenly overwhelmed with all of him, but you were willing to let the heat crash over you if it meant you could be close to him.

“Am I making it up to you now?” he asked as he pulled away merely for a breath. “I’ll turn your day into a good one after all.”

In a different tone his words would have sounded like the exact thing one would have expected to hear from a fuckboy in the bedroom. He could have boasted and bragged endlessly about how great he was with his tongue and fingers – he would have been right – but he didn’t mean it like that. You could tell from the uprightness and the authenticity in his voice that he really was doing his best because he wanted to make you feel better and turn your day around. Because you were special to him. Or so you desperately hoped.

Your legs wrapped around his shoulders as if you were trapping him between your thighs. But he was right there, and he would gladly stay for so much longer, and to say it puzzled you was an understatement. The boy who belonged to everybody, who was known by all of the campus, was treating you like you were royalty, and not the other way around. You moaned, his name inevitably falling from your lips. He added another finger and the slightest stretch made you lose your mind for a split second.

“That guy could have never made you feel this good, could he?” he suddenly asked. Your initial response was a helpless whine. You had been so close, and his talking had interrupted the otherworldly bliss for a moment.

“No, never,” you then whimpered shortly. ‘No’ was such a tiny word. It could barely encapsule what you truly meant to say. Which was that it would have never even gotten that far. That other guys couldn’t even have you at all. They didn’t get their turn to try and beat him. Not as of lately, at least. That you didn’t so much as dare to think about sleeping with other guys. That even before you had gone on the date, you had known it wouldn’t lead to anything. No guy could let you develop an interest on him in the same way the boy between your legs had done it. No other would be able to kidnap your brain like that. H/N was always there. Even when it was only you and your sex toys, you would automatically pretend it was him getting you off. You were so far gone that it was embarrassing how long it had taken you to admit it to yourself. But it was a colossal thing to confess to him, and you would never do that. Rejection would hurt a billion times more than whatever it was you two had now.

Your heart was racing as you closed your eyes. You had been so lost in thought, it was wondrous you hadn’t fallen yet. But you were right on the edge, making your breaths come out like puffs and a string of moans and swears sound from your lips. He too had stopped talking, concentrating on the task at hand, and judging by the way your back arched he was doing one hell of a good job.

“Oh my god- “ you whimpered. “I’m so close, H/N.”

This time he didn’t reply, which was for the best. Only a few seconds passed until you started to quiver and whine beneath him. You were going to outer space behind your eyelids as your high rushed through you. Your fingers curled and tightened in his locks while your legs clenched around his head. He was quick to pull your thighs apart again, still not being finished. For long seconds you swam in pleasure, with nothing on your mind but bursting stars. He was heaven, knowing precisely how far he could take it until you were too sensitive to take any more.

When you were at that point, he finally pulled away and looked up at your crumpled form. There was a lazy smile playing in the corner of your lips and your vision was hazy after having had your eyes closed for a while. He climbed up your body until his chest was against yours so he could really look at you.

“I get all of this without ever having been on a single date with you? I’m so lucky,” he said. You only smiled at him, at a loss for words. What were you to say? The two of you were clearly past the awkward dating stage already.

“I’m lucky you let me come over all the time,” you said. “I would have expected the campus fuckboy to be busier. To not have an empty spot in his bed every night.”

“Ah, shut up,” he said. “I’d rather have you here than a girl I don’t know at all. Look, I’m really tired so I don’t know how this will go…but can I?” He was on his knees, a tent visible in his boxers. With a questioning look, he was tugging them down his legs now.

“Of course,” you said. As you watched him roll on a condom, your ears perked up. Did that song have to come on shuffle just now? The coziest, most romantic love song you adored so much? You knew if you looked him in the eyes you��d be done for. But there wasn’t anywhere else to look when he settled between your legs and held up his weight with his forearms. His eyes were deep enough for you to get lost within a second. Distracting yourself was impossible. The one last thing you could do was to reach between the two of you and guide his length into you.

The song’s chorus came on, you looked at him once again, and suddenly you were all his. You didn’t need to tell him so. He thrust gently, almost carefully, like he had never done it with you. Your heart hammered against your ribcage so vivaciously, you wondered whether it had turned autonomous and was now trying to jump out of your body, onto his skin and through it, so it could nestle next to his own heart.

Neither of you spoke. Yet, there had never been so much chemistry, such a heavy amount of uncommunicated emotions between the two of you. You were ready to hang on his every word, should he decide to speak up. In your head rampaged a billion sentiments you needed him to know, but there was no option to express them adequately. Perhaps there were simply no words in the English language to declare your feelings for him.

Small whimpers and moans left your lips only for him to hear. Sometimes he moved a little quicker, gifting you with the most perfect sounds he could make. And to know you were the cause for it sent you into overdrive. His mouth was right above yours. If you lifted your head slightly, you could have kissed his sweet, sweet lips. But you were so afraid. What would he think? You had never kissed him during sex. Not softly, like you wanted it so terribly.

Even worse, you craved so much more than that. You wanted to pull him in, envelope his mouth in your own, crawl over the edge of his lips and reside in his chest for safety. Because that’s what he was. Comfort. Reassurance. Home. How foolish you had been, pretending this little fling would lead to nothing more. You really had told yourself this would work. No feelings. Just fun. You couldn’t deny having fun with him. He was the best company you had ever known, and he had become your most precious friend quickly. It was as if you had only been waiting for the silly, flirty boy to sit across from you in the library and make weak advances towards you.

The love song tuned out slowly, replaced by something more sensual and sinful. In accordance with the new background noise, he gripped your hips a little meaner and went faster. You barely noticed how his breathing had sped up as he was getting closer to his orgasm. A trance had overcome you, transfixing you on his godlike features and how much it hurt to know you couldn’t call him yours. In your head you were made for each other. They always said to date your best friend, didn’t they? You could try to turn back time, go back to your first meeting place, at the party. See if things would turn out different. But you knew they wouldn’t. As much as your fear tried to suppress it – you would take the same path again, stumbling head-first into his arms and letting him into your life like a crashing wave of laughter and heart-crushing conversations.

Now you reflected in despair, how he had taken your heart in a storm, without having to try too hard. And worst of all, you were okay with it. Your heart was secure with him, you thought. The feelings yearned to be spoken out loud, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

“You feel so good,” he said. “Always, so fucking good.”

He snapped his hips against yours, burying his cock deep inside of you and all you could muster was a hum of agreement. This is what you got for keeping him at arms-length from the beginning. Wasn’t it you who had challenged him to be friends and only that? Perhaps you would be okay, so long as no one else called him theirs either. You could go on like this, letting him use you for sexual relief and making him laugh when he needed it. Gladly, you would take the pain of not being allowed to love him with your whole being if it meant you could see him whenever you wanted. Exposing those silly emotions would wreck your friendship and you wouldn’t let it happen.

He grunted and only then, when he lowered his head into the crook of your neck and moaned your name, you realized he was reaching his high. Softly, you cradled his head in your hands, as if it was the last time you could hold him like this. When he put his forehead against yours, he had his eyes closed and his chest was moving steadier than before.

“You’re the best,” he whispered. “Stay the night?”

Should you have gone home, and missed him all night? Would you have regretted saying no while you curled up in bed with no Cheshire-cat-grin-boy to hold? Or were you to remain in his bed, and pray you would survive the torture of not speaking your mind? His skin radiated the most wonderful warmth and you wanted to trace his lips with your eyes until you fell asleep. That’s how quickly it was decided.

“Okay,” you answered.

[malleux]

spell [2]. | corpse husband

part one ; part three

-> Pairing: Corpse Husband x Fem!Reader

-> Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst

-> Warnings: Hate Comments, Self Doubt, Anxiety, Cursing

-> A/N: thank you for 1k notes on part one! i’m so glad everyone likes my work. it’s really nice getting this much love after taking a hiatus on my fire emblem writing blog. i hope y’all enjoy it and stay on the lookout for part three!

corpse husband taglist is closed!

Two weeks.

It’s been two weeks since you joined Sean’s Among Us stream.

While that was your first public appearance, you had joined three others after that and already you were blowing up on almost every social media platform you had. The attention was kind of nice, you had to admit, but sometimes the anxiety of becoming a public figure weighed heavily on your shoulders.

During that time, you turned to your friends who were used to such scrutiny: Sean, Felix, and now Corpse, who you’ve been talking to every day for those two weeks.

It was another one of those nights where, at 1am, you were on Facetime with said man. His screen was dark, as usual. He hadn’t shown his face yet and you respected that. You didn’t need to see him to talk to him, or be his friend, or develop a slight crush on him. All of which you did.

The call was relatively silent on your end. Corpse was on Facetime with you, yes, but he was also on a call in Discord, once again playing Among Us.

You often wondered if playing that game was all your new friends did anymore.

You stayed quiet, letting Corpse play the game and avoiding his fans finding out about your call. You had college work to finish anyways, so the silence was rather helpful.

“We should ask Y/N if she wants to play. I wanna meet her.” Sykkuno’s voice rang out from the Discord call. He was right- you’d never met him. He and Corpse seemed extremely close, though, so you’d love to talk to him. A friend of your crush friend was a friend of yours.

“She’s busy tonight.” Corpse responded.

“Yeah, she’s got an exam coming up- wait, how do you know?” Sean joined in, questioning Corpse.

“Uh, I mean we’re on Facetime right now, I guess.” Your heart sped up- now his fans knew. “She’s studying. We’re just hanging out.”

“Didn’t you guys ‘hang out’ last night as well? It seems like you’re trying to take my best friend away from me.” Sean joked back.

“I mean, I definitely am.”

Your breath caught in your throat. What was that supposed to mean? Sean was obviously kidding, but the tone in Corpse’s voice wasn’t the one he used when he was joking as well.

Felix suddenly butted in. “Ooooh, I think Corpse-y has a little crush.”

“And if I do?”

Y/N.exe has stopped working.

꧁꧂

Three weeks, now, that you’ve been talking to Corpse daily.

One week since Corpse’s crush comment and one week that you’ve endured countless mentions and tags on Instagram and Twitter, constantly talking about #CorpseY/N.

You didn’t really mind the shipping, often losing yourself in daydreams about driving those two hours down from your apartment in Los Angeles down to San Diego and running into his arms. It didn’t help when he mentioned wanting you to come visit one day.

You just worried about how Corpse felt about them. He was still relatively new to blowing up on the internet as well, his fame suddenly skyrocketing in the past few months, so you weren’t sure if he was comfortable with them. You didn’t want to bring it up, either, fearing that the discussion would make things awkward between the two of you.

For now, you were rather content with just scrolling through the #CorpseY/N hashtag, looking at the pictures and nice things people had to say about you both.

“they’re so cute when they talk to each other, you can just tell Corpse meant it when he said he was trying to steal Y/N away.”

“#CorpseY/N is my new favorite thing. Everyone shut up this is all I’ll be talking about from now on.”

“God why can’t they just be together already? #CorpseY/N”

Everyone was so supportive and sweet, it almost made you feel like you already were Corpse’s girlfriend. Although your heart hurt when you were brought back to reality, you couldn’t help but love the comments that everyone left. They were amazing.

Until they weren’t.

There are always two sides of the same coin. Along from the supporters and their loving actions, there were also those who seethed at the idea of you and Corpse.

They scrutinized everything about you to the point that you made your Instagram account- already with 30k followers- private.

Haters talked about you. Your body, your personality, how you weren’t worthy to even talk to Corpse and the rest of the Youtubers, and so much more. You’ve spent many nights with your Facetime mic muted so that Corpse couldn’t hear the small sobs coming from you.

These thoughts were almost always on the back of your mind, but you were sometimes able to push them away.

Like now- as you focused on your exam. Well, tried to focus. There comes to be a time where one can only hear so many negative things about themselves before they can’t ignore it anymore.

But alas, you tried your hardest and finished your exam, before walking out of the room and pulling out your phone. Now, you had a break before your new classes started and you’ve never been more relieved. You pulled up a certain contact and clicked on the message icon, beginning to type.

you:

i’m finished! up next, a break.

corpse:

I hope you did well. How long is your break?

you:

two weeks!

corpse:

Come spend it in San Diego

You stopped in your tracks, taken aback by the offer. You really didn’t think that he’d invite you over, but you weren’t about to complain. Instead, you sent back an ‘I’ll pack tonight :)’ and rushed home to do just that.

Corpse called you as you packed, just like he calls every night. You were used to the routine now, often falling asleep around 3am as he stays on the phone, doing whatever he does with his ruined sleep schedule until you wake up and say good morning.

Tonight, however, you were too jittery to sleep. You stayed up all night with Corpse, talking about anything and everything, like usual.

What wasn’t usual, though, was how distracted he sounded. It made you nervous- was he having second thoughts about inviting you over? Was something wrong?

Your thoughts nearly overwhelmed you, forcing you to say something.

“Are you okay, Corpse?” You tried to hide the small shake in your voice.

“Hm? Uh, yeah, yeah, everything’s good. Why?”

“It doesn’t sound like it. What’s going on? You’re acting off.”

His side of the phone was silent for a moment, before he let out a sigh. “I’m just thinking about what I’ve got to do before you get here tomorrow. Like, cleaning and stuff.”

“Pshh, that doesn’t matter to me.” You waved your hand, even though he couldn’t see it in the darkness of your room.

“It’s just that, my apartment isn’t… the best. It’s small and there’s only one bedroom and it’s kind of shitty. I just don’t want it to be even more shitty.”

“Corpse, I’m coming there to spend time with you, not your apartment. I don’t care what any of that shit looks like. I’m going to be looking at you and hanging out with you. Not your apartment.” You didn’t mean to go on a tangent of reassurance, but you truly meant all of your words. “Hell, I might not even see the apartment because I already know I won’t be able to look away from you.”

“I- God, give me a minute. That took me off guard.” He laughed. “But thank you. I may not even be able to clean because I’ll be distracted too.”

“By what?”

“You, standing in front of me, in person.” You could hear the smile in his voice. “That’s a fucking dream come true.”

┎┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┒

taglist: @namjoons-crabssss @lookingforaplacetosleep @teenloves @princess00wifi @pillowjj @nvm-idgaf @creativedogs @wildflowerwhore @chillininahottub-withaghost @whyisquill @holosexualunicorn7000 @ourheavenlyemotions

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[weirdos-am-i-right]

Fuck Traveling// Pete Davidson x reader

Request from @annalayton19

Hi! I’m a new follower and I really like your stuff! Could I request a Pete Davidson x reader (angst to fluff) where Pete is on tour or filming away from home and the reader is left behind. After like 6 months of being apart Pete starts to get tired of the long distance and basically like done with it. And then he realizes his mistake and comes home to make it up to her! I’m sorry if that’s super long! Also if this imagine doesn’t interest you, then no sweat! Thank you so much in advance 💕

A/n: This took so much less time then I thought it would. Anyway, here you go, I really hope you like it!

Warning: angst, swearing, like one cigarettes

€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€

Six months. Six months was an extremely long time to be away from someone you loved.

Y/n sat on the couch, a small pout on her lips. She looked at Pete—her boyfriend of a year—and frowned. “I wish I could go with you.” Pete frowns too, and sits down next to her.

“I know. I wish you were coming with me too. But hey, it’s only a couple of months, all right? I’ll be back before you know it.” He kissed her cheek.

“I just wish my contract would let me. You have no idea how annoying it is to not be able to do things because of freaking Marvel.” She groans, falling on her back with a slight ‘plop’.

“Well, because of freaking Marvel, you are one of the best actresses out there. And I know you’re going to kill it with filming. My tour isn’t even that cool. It’ll broke you to death.” He jokes, leaning back on the arm of the couch.

“Babe, you’re a comedian.”

“Oh right, I forgot.” He grabs her arm, and pulls her up into his chest. “I love you, okay?” He lifts her chin up, and kisses her. “So fucking much. We’ll face time everyday, I’ll call you every evening and wish you goodnight.”

“Okay.” She looked over a the clock, and sighed. “We have to go. Your flight is leaving soon.” He brushes hair behind her ear, bringing her eyes back to him.

“I love you. It’ll be over before you know it.”

“I love you, too.”

********

The car ride to the airport was long, and quiet. Pete was driving, he had one hand on the steering wheel, and one hand on Y/n’s leg, rubbing small circles into the center of her thigh.

She knew she was going to miss him so much, but she also knew she was going to be extremely busy with filming, so it wouldn’t be as bad.

Once they were at the gate, they tearfully hugged, and she kissed him. “All right, now get out of here. We’re not doing that rom-com turn back at the last second goodbye.” She laughed at him, tears steaming down her face a bit. He wiped one with his thumb, and kissed her again. “Love you. Now go, so I get to watch you walk away.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” She turns around, and starts walking back to her car. She knew he hated leaving her too, but he was a lot better at hiding emotions then she was, that was one of the only things she learned while dating him.

She got in her car, and put her head on her steering wheel.

She groans, and leans back. Starting her car, she pulled out of the airport, and drove home.

**********

The first few months were the worst. Y/n hated going to bed alone, the left side of the bed always cold.

She was filming almost every day, and seeing her co-workers and friends always cheered her up, after all she had been working with the same people for quite some time now, so she felt comfortable around them.

The fourth month was slowly becoming easier. She got use to coming home to no one there, and making dinner for herself. She still talked to Pete every day, texting him good morning, and Goodnight, and FaceTiming him a lot during the day.

Though she knew he loved her, she felt as though he was slightly pulling away. The FaceTime calls were short, and he never texted her back right away like he use to.

“And so, we we’re almost done with the shoot, so close I could practically taste the coffee in my trailer waiting for me, and then Kevin calls cut, and he makes us do the whole scene over again! I swear, I was about to strange that man. Ugh, I can’t wait til you come home. Only two more weeks, I can’t believe we made it.” Y/n rants, talking to Pete on the phone.

“Uh huh. Cool.” He wasn’t looking at her, instead his attention was somewhere else. Y/n frowns, tilting her head a bit.

“Pete…are, are you okay?” That seemed to catch his attention, and he finally looked at the screen.

“What? I’m fine.”

“Okay…you just seem so…different lately. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but you seem like you don’t have time for me anymore. Or if you do, you don’t like talking to me.” Pete scoffs.

“Of course I don’t have time for you right now. I’m in between shows, I’m driving to one as we speak. I mean, god forbid I get a minute to myself without my agents or you calling me.” Pete snapped.

“Wha-I’m just talking to you. If you didn’t want to, you could have said something.”

“That’s bullshit you would have thrown a fucking hissy fit or something.” He rolls his eyes.

“That’s not true. I understand when people are tired, believe me I would know.”

“Would you?”

“Yes!” She had tears stinging her eyes. “Of course I do, you’re forgetting what I do for a living. I work from 6 am to whenever we finish which most of the time is in the middle of the night. I have to re-do the same scene about ten times because RDJ won’t stop making jokes in the middle of the scene!”

“Oh, sorry, I forgot about your super-star actress life.”

“Why are you being so mean to me? I was only concerned about you.”

“Mean? What are you, five? I can’t-I can’t do this anymore.” She huffs, crossing her arms.

“What do you talking about? Are you breaking up with me?”

“Wh-”

“Because then fine. If you don’t want to be with me, I don’t have to take this shit. I’ll be with someone who, oh, I don’t know is actually here.”

“Oh that’s fucking rich, you know I can’t be there, don’t even do that.” She scoffs.

“I don’t care. You want to act like a petty bitch, I have no problem doing it right back.”

“No, I think you’re just a petty bitch.” She wipes her eye, and he laughs dryly. “Oh of course you’re crying.”

“Shut up. If you don’t want to be with me, fine. Go enjoy your show, Pete.” She hung up the phone, and turned off the ringer. She plugged it into her charger, and went into the bathroom, turning the shower on.

********

Pete rubbed his eyes, and took a drag of his cigarette. He knew he shouldn’t have snapped at her, it wasn’t her fault he was cranky, and needed to take it out on someone.

“I’m a dick.” He mumbles to himself, and bangs his steering wheel.

His phone rang again, and for a good second his heart leaping out of his chest, thinking it was his girlfriend, calling him back. He checked the phone, seeing it was Colson. He answered the call.

“What’s up, man?” Pete asks.

“The shows starting soon. You almost here?” Colson questioned. Pete looked at his google maps, seeing he was supposed to be there in ten minutes.

“I’m a good ten minutes away. I’ll be there.”

“You sound weird. What the fuck did you take without me?” Colson asks, trying to lighten the mood.

“Uh…Y/n and I just broke up. I think.” The line was silent for a few seconds.

“Why the fuck would you do that, you idiot? Are you kidding me?” Colson scoffs. “Man, what the fuck?”

“Shut up, man. I can’t stand talking on the phone with her. I’m busy, she’s busy, she plays a superhero for fuck’s sake. I didn’t even expect it to last this long to be honest.”

“Man, you fucking dumbass. That girl was probably the only good thing you had going for you. Get her the fuck back.I thought you loved her.”

“I did-I do. I do love her. I’m just so stressed right now, and excuse me for not wanting to hear about fucking Kevin Feige being a shitty director.”

“Hey, fuck-shit, you ever think that maybe this is more hard on her? Acting is fucking hard, you should know that, especially for a company like Marvel.

“Man, who’s side are you on?” Pete turns into the parking lot, and grabs his phone.

“You think I’m on your side here? You’re forgetting that we were friends before I met you. I can not believe you just fucked up the best thing in your life. Fix it, man. You’re going home in a week, fucking fix it.” And with that, Colson hung up, and put his phone away.

He kicked a rock across the pavement, and cursed under his breathe.

********

The worst thing about breaking up with someone you live with, who so happens to be long-distance is that their stuff fills the apartment with an existential amount of regret.

Y/n laid on her couch, flipping through the channels of the TV. She had called off work for the next few days, not feeling up to put on a performance for anyone. She knew she would get shit for it later, but she didn’t care.

Her head perked up when there was a knock on the door. She sighed, and got up, going over to the door. She really didn’t feel like company at the moment, and was sure she was going to send away whoever it was.

When she opened the door, her breathe caught in her throat. Pete stood in the doorway, looming over her. He looked like shit. She could tell he hadn’t slept, and probably didn’t eat anything, but she knew he didn’t look much better.

“Why-why didn’t you use your key?” Y/n asks, opening the door a bit for him.

“I uh, didn’t want to barge in on you. You also probably weren’t expecting me.”

“I wasn’t. I thought you didn’t get back until next week.” She says. It took every ounce of her not to jump into his arms, and kiss his face until she was sure she kissed every part of it.

“I took off early. Can we talk? Please. I was a dick. I was such a dick. I’m sorry, I know we grew apart in the last few months, and I promised we wouldn’t but we did, and I’m so sorry for that, baby.” He grabs her hand, and she slightly pulls it back, but let’s him grab it. “Please, forgive me. I love you, so much, okay? So fucking much, you’re the best thing that’s happened to me.”

She felt tears welling up in her eyes, and she looked away from him. “What you said really hurt.”

“I know. And I’ll spend every day trying to make it up to you.” She quickly wrapped her arms around him, pushing her face into his chest. He didn’t hesitate to hug her back, leaning down and kissing the top of her head. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. Fuck traveling.”

“Fuck traveling.”

.

[ktmarison]

black  monday  sentence  starters. season  one.

‘  wear  this.  for  good  luck  on  your  interviews.  ’

‘  you  be  sure  to  tell  (name)  that  i  knocked  the  glaze  off  the  donut.  ’

‘  want  to  do  some  cocaine  ?  ’

‘  i’m  really  surprised  a  ladies’  man  such  as  yourself  doesn’t  know  his  cups.  these  are  c’s,  baby.  ’

‘  i  was  born  in  a  toilet  and  left  on  the  stairs  of  a  church.  ’

‘  i  woke  up  in  a  $1,500  a  night  fuck  pad  after  a  $5,000  park  avenue  fuck-a-thon.  ’

‘  get  the  fuck  out  of  my  face.  ’

‘  god  chose  me  to  choose  you.  ‘

‘  i’m  gonna  take  us  to  the  promise  land.  ’

‘  happy  birthday.  i  know  it’s  the  same  shit  every  year,  but  what  do  you  get  the  guy  who  has  everything,  right  ?  ’

‘  scusi  !  i  seem  to  have  come  down  with  a  bad  case  of  the  first  days.  ’

‘  i  may  have  picked  the  wrong  career.  ’

‘  joking’s  kind  of  my  strong  suit.  ’

‘  what  are  my  weakness  ?  that’s  a  great  question.  i  can  only  think  of  three:  caring  too  much,  working  too  hard,  and  caring  too  much.  and  i  just  repeated  myself,  so  that’s  four  weaknesses,  ‘cause  that’s  a  repeating  weakness.  ’

‘  wait,  now  i  forget,  which  one  of  you  is  a  virgin  and  which  one  of  you  ain’t  ever  been  laid  before  ?  ’

‘  why  don’t  you  two  stop  fucking  each  other  for  five  minutes  ?  ’

‘  you’re  making  us  late  for  our  stand  up  comedy  class.  ’

‘  this  is  your  thing,  i  don’t  wanna  do  the  talking  at  the  same  time.  ’

‘  go  out  and  buy  yourself  something  really  expensive,  because  we  got  a  lot  to  celebrate  tonight.  a  lot.  ’

‘  between  you  and  me,  i’m  kinda  hot  on  the  street.  ’

‘  i’m  willing  to  lose  a  million  a  day  to  prevent  her  from  ever  being  employed  for  the  rest  of  her  natural  or  unnatural  fucking  life,  whichever  comes  first.  ’

‘  are  you  calling  me  a  fucking  coke  head  ?  ’

‘  by  the  way,  you  got  a  chick’s  name.  ’

‘  are  we  talking  house  money  or  summer-house  money  ?  ’

‘  remember  that  screenplay  i  wrote  in  college  ?  hear  me  out.  what  if  we  go  to  l.a.---  ‘

‘  but  you  know  what  ?  we  don’t  need  money  to  be  happy.  ’

‘  should  we  have  sex  really  quick  ?  because  i  am  super  jazzed.  ’

‘  you’re  the  motherfucker  that  ruined  my  life.  ’

‘  shut  the  fuck  up.  you  think  you  scare  me  ?  my  dad  beat  me  everyday  of  my  life  until  he  died.  ’

‘  he  literally  died  of  a  heart  attack  while  beating  me.  ’

‘  why  do  you  want  a  shitty  honda  ?  ’

‘  that’s  a  lot  of  blood  for  a  little  guy.  ’

‘  you’re  the  worst  trader  in  manhattan  since  the  indians.  ’

‘  never  walk  away  from  a  dollar  that  makes  sense.  ’

‘  i’m  sorry  i  was  so  hard  on  you  today.  i  just.  .  .  you  know,  i  just  want  you  to  be  okay.  ’

‘  i  remember  when  your  birthday  used  to  be  just  sticking  a  candle  in  some  apple  pie.  ’

‘  thanks,  dick.  ’

‘  so  what  was  the  plan  ?  you  were  gonna  land  a  big,  juicy  job  and  then  run  over  there  and  propose  to  her  ?  ’

‘  if  you  don’t  do  this,  you’re  going  to  regret  it  for  the  rest  of  your  life.  ’

‘  you  didn’t  do  so  bad  today.  ’

‘  you  know,  nobody’s  yelled  at  me  like  that  since  1973.  ’

‘  i  would  love  to  fuck  with  you.  ’

‘  you  know,  let’s  just  go  home.  i’m  beat.  ’

‘  i  don’t  care  what  anybody  says,  okay  ?  al  pacino’s  performance  in  scarface  was  bad.  ’

‘  while  nancy  reagan  is  telling  everybody  that  aids  is  no  big  whoop,  i  went  long  on  condoms  because  i  knew  that  shit  had  legs.  ’

‘  i  think  the  word  for  that  is  i’m  a  fucking  genius.  ’

‘  i'm  engaged.  and  also  a  good  person.  .  .  .  that  didn’t  come  out  right.  ’

‘  he  is  gonna  smack  the  handsome  off  that  kid.  ’

‘  i  get  it.  haze  the  new  guy.  just  like  a  cappella  camp.  ’

‘  you  call  this  hazing  ?  tell  it  to  my  frat  brother  next  time  you’re  in  heaven.  ’

‘  hey,  (name)  !  i  need  you  to  suck  my  dick  !  ’

‘  i  thought  we  stopped  having  sex  when  i  dumped  your  ass,  but  somehow  you’re  still  fucking  me.  ’

‘  go  cry  in  a  stall  or  something,  okay  ?  this  is  a  place  of  business.  ’

‘  this  guy  can’t  even  get  pranked  right,  he’s  a  fucking  idiot  !  ’

‘  .  .  .  but  that’s  insider  trading.  ’

‘  i  didn’t  even  know  this  day  could  get  any  fucking  better  !  ’

‘  i  mean,  you  could  call  it  a  dog-shit  stock,  or  i  could  call  your  wife  and  tell  her  all  about  that  trip  you  and  your  nanny  took  down  to  sunny  bora-bortion,  you  remember  that  ?  ’

‘  need  ?  i  did  not  say  the  n-word.  ’

‘  consider  it  my  apology.  ’  

‘  i  didn’t  hate  your  plan.  i  hated  that  you  didn’t  tell  me.  ’

‘  yeah,  they’ll  fuck  you,  but  they’re  not  gonna  hire  you.  ’

‘  you  need  me,  (name).  it’s  okay  to  say  it.  ’

‘  so  ?  that’s  unethical  !  but  maybe  the  guy  making  holocaust  jokes  maybe  wouldn’t  understand  that.  ’

‘  before  you  judge  me,  marriage  is  a  marathon.  you’ll  see.  ’

‘  really  ?  that’s  your  fucking  closer  after  blowing  up  my  life  ?  ’

‘  how’s  the  jizz  biz,  kid  ?  hey,  you  got  carpal  tunnel  yet  ?  ‘

‘  good  lord,  are  you  trying  to  hide  behind  a  lamp  ?  ’

‘  don’t  you  remember  when  you  used  to  be  me  ?  uncorrupted  ?  ’

‘  isn’t  that  the  kind  of  tortured  hero  shit  you  guys  jack  off  to  ?  ’

‘  i’m  as  good  at  pulling  out  as  mohammad  ali  is  at  boxing.  ’

‘  i  wanna  form  a  father-son  relationship  with  him  so  i  can  get  close  enough  to  stab  him  in  the  back.  ’

‘  why  can’t  you  just  jerk  off  like  a  regular  guy  ?  ’

‘  parenting  is  just  like  dating,  but  with  no  sex.  ’

‘  everyone  i  love  is  dead.  ’

‘  i’m  not  even  a  citizen,  i  think,  so.  .  .  ’

‘  the  guy’s  unhinged,  i  walked  in  the  other  day  to  him  masturbating  to  hockey’s  hardest  hits  volume  three.  ’

‘  i  should  be  more  like  you:  bitchy.  ’

‘  i  look  forward  to  seeing  you  all  day  long  tomorrow.  you  and  me,  holding  hands,  watching  our  boy  become  a  bar  mitzvah.  ’

‘  you  aren’t  the  other  man.  you  are  the  only  man,  okay  ?  ’

‘  i  hate  when  you  call  them  mom  and  dad.  it  feels  incesty.  ’

‘  this  is  the  hottest  ticket  in  town,  and  we  got  killer  seats.  ’

‘  i  never  even  open  a  menu.  i  just  order  the  most  expensive  shit,  you  know  ?  keeps  it  exciting.  ’

‘  i  prefer  my  ground  beef  cooked  and  with  cheese  and  on  a  bun.  ’

‘  i’m  from  a  town  with  one  restaurant.  this  world,  it’s  very  overwhelming  to  me.  ’

‘  i  kind  of  grew  up  like  you,  you  know  ?  but  instead  of  one  restaurant,  i  had  no  parents.  ’

‘  i  wanna  share  everything  with  you:  a  place  in  chelsea,  a  portmanteau.  ’

‘  don’t  you  want  to  be  happy  ?  ’

‘  i  am  happy.  i  fucking  love  my  family.  what,  do  you  want  me  to  leave  them  for  you  ?  for  sex  ?  ’

‘  i’ll  give  you  something  to  blow  on.  ’

‘  of  course  i  know  dolly  parton,  who  do  you  think  bought  her  those  cans  ?  .  .  .  i’m  joking,  god  did.  ’

‘  don’t  throw  the  whole  baby  out  with  the  bathwater.  ’

‘  real  money  is  honest  money,  okay  ?  ’

‘  i  don’t  get  it.  you  just  said  you  were  proud  of  me.  ’

‘  don’t  bring  your  mother’s  porn  into  this.  ’

‘  most  of  the  time,  i  just  walk  around  that  office  feeling  like  one  of  those  chickens  my  dad  used  to  make  me  cut  the  head  off  of.  ’

‘  should  i  try  some  ?  ’

‘  you  don’t  know  what  i  can  handle.  ’

‘  i  feel  more  successful  already.  ’

‘  the  moon  is  so  much  brighter  when  you’re  on  cocaine.  ’

‘  have  you  ever  had  sex  with  a  guy  with  a  huge  promotion  ?  ’

‘  i  would  rather  fuck  my  father.  my  mom  too.  ’

‘  you  listen  to  me,  (name).  you’re  going  to  prison.  maybe  not  today,  maybe  not  tomorrow,  but  someday,  and  probably  for  the  rest  of  your  life.  and  i’m  not  going  to  let  you  take  me  and  our  beautiful  family  down  with  you.  ’

‘  i’d  know  those  legs  anywhere.  ’

‘  you  are  the  only  person  in  my  life  that  i  can’t  live  without.  ’

‘  this  might  be  the  cocaine  talking,  but  can  we  get  some  more  cocaine  ?  ’

‘  is  this  a  child  wedding  ?  ’

‘  i’m  not  getting  a  real  ‘i’ve  made  a  huge  mistake  and  i’m  rushing  back  to  my  fiance’  vibe  off  him.  ’

‘  he’s  just  making  cash  for  the  first  time.  i  mean,  you  remember  the  moneymoon  phase.  ’

‘  he’ll  get  sick  of  this  shit.  ’

‘  it’s  like  when  they  caught  me  smoking.  they  locked  me  in  the  closet,  they  made  me  smoke  a  whole  carton  of  cigarettes  until  i  didn’t  want  another  cigarette  as  long  as  i  live.  ’

‘  fuck  that  bitch.  ’

‘  the  guy  will  do  anything  for  a  buck.  ’

‘  let’s  just  talk  to  the  kid  about  the  power  of  love.  ’

‘  it’s  so  weird  calling  a  chick  a  boss.  it’s  the  weirdest  thing  that’s  ever  happened  to  me.  ’

‘  is  it  me,  or  is  he  getting  weirder  ?  ’

‘  it’s  so  cool  you  live  in  a  hotel.  you’re  like  eloise.  ’

‘  how  are  you  ?  i  can’t  imagine  how  hard  it  must  be  to  be  apart  from  the  love  of  your  life.  ’

‘  sometimes  it’s  brave  to  be  alone.  instead  of,  you  know,  settling  for  the  first  lame-ass  doctor  that  you  lay  eyes  on  that  satisfies  your  parents  but  not  you.  ’

‘  and  word  on  the  street  ?  this  guy  is  hung  like  a  hose.  '

‘  i  mean,  i  know  i  broke  up  with  her,  but  i  didn’t  expect  this  this  soon.  ’

‘  hey,  bring  us  a  bottle  of  wine,  yeah  ?  ’

‘  i  thought  we  were  gonna  get  busy.  ’

‘  i’m  so  full,  i  can  hardly  move.  but  you  can  do  stuff  to  me  if  you’d  like.  ’

‘  maybe  i’d  loosen  up  if  we’d  have  sex  again.  yeah,  then  we  can  clean  up  all  the  laundry  that  we  knocked  over  when  we  had  sex  in  the  hall.  ’

‘  how’d  she  meet  someone  so  fast  ?  ’

‘  it’s  a  sit-com  that  takes  place  in  a  nazi  concentration  camp.  ’

‘  you  look  incredible  !  ’

‘  i  haven’t  acted  since  college.  and  the  upenn  gezette  called  my  performance  as  otto  frank  the  worst  thing  to  happen  to  anne  frank.  ’

‘  hey,  honey.  listen,  i’m  not  comin’  home.  but  i  wanna  let  you  know  i’ve  never  loved  anyone  as  much  as  i  loved  your  sister.  ’

‘  you  were  right,  i  fucked  your  sister  !  ’

‘  was  it  just  me  or  was  that  movie  about  racism  really,  really  racist  ?  ’

‘  i  just  wanted  to  say  you’re  a  piece  of  shit  and  i’ve  always  hated  you.  ’

‘  i  know  it  didn’t  work,  but  honeypot  or  not,  i  had  a  really  great  time  tonight.  ’

‘  i  don’t  want  things  to  be  awkward  between  us,  (name),  and  i’m  hoping  that  eventually  you  and  i  could  be  friends.  ’

‘  for  once  in  my  life,  i  need  to  focus  on  myself.  ’

‘  tell  me  that  you  just  brought  (name)  here  to  make  me  jealous.  ’

‘  oh  my  god,  she’s  so  hot.  a  part  of  me  didn’t  know  whether  i  should  be  jealous  of  her  or  of  you.’

‘  i  didn’t  want  to  disappoint  you,  and  honestly  sometimes  you  can  be  a  bit  scary.  ’

‘  that  was  a  long  time  ago.  and  remember  ?  i’m  kinda  married.  ’

‘  this  thing’s  bad  luck.  ever  since  i  put  it  on  you,  it’s  kicked  off  a  series  of  disastrous  events,  okay  ?  this  thing  is  cursed.  ’

‘  now  i  see  where  this  guy  gets  his  fashion  sense  from.  ’

‘  i  feel  like  i’m  lucy,  you  know,  and  the  football  ?  or.  .  .  maybe  i’m  charlie  brown.  i  don’t  know.  or  maybe  i’m  the  football.  ’

‘  this  is  supposed  to  be  one  of  the  most  romantic  spots  in  the  city.  ’

‘  show  us  your  tits  !  ’

‘  she’s  got  me  on  a  strict  wedding  diet  of  maltodextrin,  carrageenan,  and  phosphates.  ’

‘  was  it  just  me  or  was  that  meeting  really  odd  ?  ’

‘  it  sucks.  i  mean,  soon  we’re  not  even  gonna  be  able  to  flirt.  ’

‘  it  was  just  a  drunken  accident.  just  like  my  little  brother.  ’

‘  you  kissed  your  brother  too  ?  ’

‘  my  parents  thought  they  were  done  having  kids,  and  then  they  were  using  the  rhythm  method  and  somebody  got  off  beat.  ’

‘  is  that  what  i  think  it  is  ?  i’m  legitimately  asking  that  question  because  i  did  not  understand  that.  ’

‘  what  are  you  chicks  squealing  about  ?  ’

‘  this  guy  is  like  the  willy  wonka  of  money  !  ’

‘  he’s  getting  a  pube  to  big  for  his  briefs  and  i  know  just  the  guy  to  take  him  down.  ’

‘  listen  up,  motherfuckers  !  i  am  your  god  now  !  ’

‘  this  weekend  is  not  about  work,  okay  ?  ’

‘  pick  a  menu.  any  menu.  or  we  could  live  dangerously  and  play  a  little  take  out  roulette.  ’

‘  have  fun,  enjoy  yourself  !  try  not  to  die  !  ’

‘  he  was  a  leo,  i’m  a  cancer,  so  we  were  incompatible.  ’

‘  i  know  how  women  work.  i  know  women  stuff,  i  have  amazing  women’s  intuition.  ’

‘  why  do  you  let  them  bully  you  ?  ’

‘  i  know  you  don’t  have  a  lot  of  work  experience,  but  there  is  a  chain  of  command  that  needs  to  be  respected.  ’

‘  and  then  afterwards,  we’re  gonna  go  home,  and  i’m  gonna  twist  you  into  a  hot  pretzel  and  inject  you  with  my  nacho  ch---  i’m  sorry.  ’

‘  i  can’t  stand  these  evil  twinkies.  ’

‘  the  only  reason  we’re  here  is  because  they  need  a  sucker.  ’

‘  trust  me.  they  are  going  to  fuck  us,  okay  ?  ’

'  i  don’t  know  how  they  do  their  milk  here,  but  i  love  it.  ’

‘  he  hates  you,  you  hate  him.  i  hate  that  i  love  your  outfits.  ’

‘  look,  the  only  thing  that  he  has  ever  been  right  about  is  that  we  would  never  do  a  deal  that  doesn’t  fuck  him  like  a  brother.  ’

‘  our  reservation  was  an  hour  ago.  ’

‘  i’m  going  to  count  to  three.  one.  .  .  two.  .  .  oh  my  god,  you  are  fucked.  two  and  a  half  !  ’

‘  so,  good  news,  bad  news.  um,  i  finally  got  rid  of  that  tie  you  hated,  but  it  kind  of  broke  the  shredder  in  the  process.  ’

‘  i’m  sorry  i  ruined  our  weekend.  ’

‘  (name),  i  am  obsessed  with  you.  ’

‘  from  now  on,  no  one’s  pushing  me  around.  except  for  you.  you  can  push  my  ass  around.  ’  

‘  you’re  a  smart  woman,  which  we  would  normally  find  repulsive,  but  we’d  be  willing  to  overlook  that  for  money.  ’

‘  six  months,  tops.  he’ll  be  broke,  in  jail,  dead,  or  all  three.  ’

‘  i  mean,  it  should  be  the  rush  of  my  life,  right  ?  but  i’m.  .  .  i’m  distracted.  i  keep  losing  focus.  ’

‘  i  lived  my  whole  life  like  that.  money  over  everything  and  everyone.  and  look  where  i  am  now.  ’

‘  are  you  telling  me  that  after  all  these  years,  now  you’re  saying  that  money  doesn’t  matter,  that  it’s  all  about  love  ?  ‘

‘  you’re  dumb.  that’s  it,  i  just  figured  it  out:  you’re  fucking  dumb.  ’

‘  everything  i  am,  was,  will  be  is  about  money.  ’

‘  no  one  gives  a  shit  about  you.  except  yourself.  ’

‘  you  know  what  you  can  do  ?  get  us  a  case  of  whiskey  older  than  i  am.  you  and  i  will  drink  this  pathetic  bitch  out  of  your  head.  ’

‘  that  was  cool.  you  just  touched  me  and  you  meant  it.  i  love  that.  ’

‘  tell  me  the  truth.  i’m  the  first  visitor  he’s  had  in  months,  right  ?  ‘

‘  you’re  my  partner,  and  i’m  sorry  if  i  haven’t  always  treated  you  that  way.  you  deserve  better.  ’

‘  i  trust  you  and  i  hope  someday  you’ll  be  able  to  trust  me  again.  ’

‘  your  days  of  bullying  me  for  no  reason  are  over,  alright  ?  ’

‘  i  don’t  want  to  use  that  information  against  you,  but  if  you  don’t  stop  fucking  with  me,  i  will  tell  everyone,  and  i’ll  start  with  your  family.  maybe  your  kids  first.  ’

‘  that’s  fucking  rich,  coming  from  you.  ’

‘  when  you  didn’t  show  up,  it  just  reminded  me  of  all  the  times  you  let  me  down,  and  so  i  got  drunk  and  stupid.  ’

‘  how  the  fuck  could  you  be  so  fucking  stupid  ?  ’

‘  oh  my  god,  that’s  a  dead  body  !  what  the  fuck  did  you  do  ?  ’

‘  i'm  so  overwhelmed.  i  mean,  we  don’t  even  have  a  honeymoon  spot.  ’

‘  well,  i’ve  only  been  on  a  plane  twice,  so  they  all  sound  exciting.  ’

‘  i  want  a  honeymoon  place  that  is  so  exotic  and  so  special  that  none  of  my  friends  have  been  there,  like  a  country  that’s  just  been  overthrown.  ’

‘  favorite  colors  can  change.  from  now  on,  mine  is.  .  .  gunmetal  gray.  or  camo.  ’

‘  i  haven’t  eaten  in  four  days,  but  you  know  what  ?  i’m  gonna  make  an  exception  for  tonight.  ’

‘  oh  mama,  i’m  gonna  force  myself  on  that  fucking  cake.  ’

‘  that’s  a  scary  way  to  phrase  that.  ’

‘  you’re  a  gay.  it’s  so  obvious.  ’

‘  uh,  it’s  not  obvious  to  me  !  ’  

‘  it’s  pronounced  uruguay.  ’

‘  hey,  listen,  speaking  of  using  condoms,  what  do  you  say  we.  .  .  stop  using  condoms  ?  ’

‘  i’m  sorry  i  get  all  weird  about  this  stuff.  ’

‘  i’m  so  ready.  i’m  gonna  call  my  mom.  ’

‘  hold  on,  i  know  i’m  cute,  but  i’m  still  a  he.  ’

‘  what  am  i  ?  a  fucking  teacher  ?  ’

‘  what  is  this,  open  mic  night  ?  shut  the  fuck  up.  ’

‘  you  were  right.  picking  stocks  is  a  lot  easier  when  you  already  know  what’s  gonna  happen.  ’

‘  what  the  fuck  has  been  up  with  you  ?  you’ve  just---  you’ve  been,  uh,  nice.  ’

‘  suck  my  dick.  .  .  oh,  and  that’s  a  figure  of  speech,  not  an  invitation.  ’

‘  i  hope  you’re  right,  because  trust  me,  you  don’t  wanna  be  me.  ’

‘  i’m  so  excited  for  our  family  road  trip  !  in  just  six  short  hours,  we’ll  be  making  smores  and  memories.  ’

‘  i’m  a  serial  killer  ?  you’re  drinking  a  blizzard  next  to  a  fucking  dead  person.  ’

‘  are  you  okay  ?  i  mean,  you  didn’t  even  dump  any  fruit  punch  in  that  vodka.  ’

‘  at  first  i  thought  you  said  something  that  made  me  wanna  stab  you.  ’

‘  or,  we  skip  your  place  just  come  back  to  my  place,  and  have  some  gay  sex.  ’

‘  why  don’t  you  shut  your  faces,  you  fucking  whores  ?  ’

‘  you’re  so  smart  and  so  together,  and  i  trust  you  more  than  i  trust  myself  right  now.  ’

‘  while  you’ve  been  in  here  getting  shit-faced,  our  reputation’s  out  there,  getting  butt-fucked  in  front  of  a  live  studio  audience.  ’

‘  i’m  bad  at  parties.  ’

‘  i  tried  everything  to  make  this  work  because  i  love  you.  ’

‘  do  you  even  want  to  get  married  ?  huh  ?  ’

‘  payback’s  a  bitch,  and  i’m  the  son  of  one.  ’

‘  you’re  a  winter,  not  a  spring.  ’

‘  oh  my  god,  did  you  pierce  your  ear  with  your  tie  pin  ?  ’

‘  i’m  really  confused  right  now.  ’

‘  a  little  white  lie  never  hurt  anybody.  ’

‘  is  nair  supposed  to  burn  my  eyes  from  this  distance  ?  ‘

‘  every  newlywed’s  parents  buy  them  an  apartment.  duh.  ’

‘  the  only  thing  you  should  work  on  is  letting  yourself  be  happy.  ’

‘  if  you  agree  with  all  that,  blink.  ’

‘  we  all  have  our  hobbies.  mine  is  astronomy,  yours  is  lying  to  me.  ’

‘  in  what  world  is  it  okay  to  kidnap  someone  ?  ’

‘  well,  i’m  sorry  that  i  have  a  policy  about  never  apologizing  to  white  people.  ’

‘  i  hope  you  like  your  nothing  burger  with  nothing  on  it,  because  this  ?  is  nothing.  ’

‘  no  white  dicks  for  me  after  labor  day.  ’

‘  call  me  ma’am  again.  i  want  you  to.  ’

‘  it’s  not  a  fucking  prank,  okay  ?  ’

‘  please  do  not  shoot  my  dumbass  friend.  ’

‘  come  on,  you  got  to  try  to  sell  that  punch  better.  ’

‘  god’s  a  funny  fuck,  isn’t  he  ?  ’

‘  oh  my  god,  i  guess  that  is  super  fucked  up.  ’

‘  we  cheated  death  !  .  .  .what  do  we  do  now  ?  ’

‘  not  to  mention  he  was  out  all  night  with  some  prostitute,  probably.  ’

‘  haven’t  you  ever  fallen  out  of  love,  (name)  ?  you  know,  you  keep  holding  on,  hoping  to  get  that  feeling  back,  but  the  tighter  you  grip  it,  the  further  away  it  gets.  and  then  one  day  you  wake  up,  and  you’re  two  totally  different  people,  and  you  wonder  how  you  even  got  together  in  the  first  place.  ’

‘  why  are  you  so  invested  in  my  relationship  ?  ’

‘  when  i  said  we  were  friends,  that  was  true,  i  meant  that,  but  the  truth  is,  i’ve  been  playing  you,  kid.  ’

‘  you’re  gonna  break  her  heart  anyway.  i  mean,  why  not  give  her  the  wedding  of  her  dreams  first  ?  ’

‘  fuck  you.  i’m  gonna  tell  (name)  everything.  ’

‘  she’s  probably  gonna  die.  ’

‘  i  hate  to  ask  this,  but  could  (name)  have  done  this  ?  ’

‘  he  is  crazy,  but  what  would  make  you  think  he  would  kidnap  a  person  ?  ’

‘  are  you  okay  ?  i---  i  wanna  get  into  all  of  this  with  you.  ’

‘  what  do  i  tell  the  police  when  they  ask  me  about  him  ?  ’

‘  the  police  will  think  i’m  involved  because  who  would  believe  i  had  no  clue  for  months  ?  i  can’t  go  to  prison.  ’

‘  you  can  stay  strong  for  nine  hours,  can’t  you  ?  ’

‘  i  don’t  want  to  marry  her,  but  that  doesn’t  mean  i  want  her  ripped  into  chunks.  ’

‘  what’d  you  do,  you  crazy  fuck  ?  !  ’

‘  i  ain’t  just  talking  the  talk.  you  hear  me  ?  ’

‘  extra,  extra  !  no  one  gives  a  shit  about  black  folks  !  ’

‘  i’m  (name),  and  people  call  me.  but  only  if  they’re  very  lucky.  ’

‘  (name)  is  a  fighter.  just  ask  the  last  delivery  driver  who  forgot  our  duck  sauce.  ’

‘  what’s  the  age  cut  off  for  that  milk  carton  thingy  ?  ’

‘  it  could  just  be  a  classic  new  york  snatch,  kill,  chop,  and  dump.  ’

‘  don’t  you  have  any  clues  other  than  bitch  boy  here  ?  ’

‘  let  me  just  say,  on  the  record,  ew.  ’

‘  i’m  not  sure  a  square  like  you  could  handle  it.  ’

‘  we  were  out  partying  last  night  and  we  got  into  this  debate  about  who  has  the  biggest  balls  on  the  street,  which  led  to  a  dick-measuring  contest,  which  led  to  a  pissing  contest,  which  led  to  a  sword  fight,  which  led  to  a  cockfight,  which  led  to  me  being  up  six  grand.  ’

‘  i  have  a  charades  party  to  get  to,  but  i  can’t  until  you  start  talking.  ’

‘  i  suppose  (name)  does  have  an  undeniable  raw  sexuality,  but  i  don’t  know  what  that  has  to  do  with  this.  ’

‘  this  is  madness.  the  whole  world’s  gone  upside-down  and  your  solution  is  to  make  upside-down  cake  ?  ’

‘  we  couldn’t  have  gotten  through  this  without  money.  ’

‘  no  press  is  bad  press.  ’

‘  jesus.  i  guess  i  deserve  that  on  some  level,  but  jesus.  ’

‘  can  i  get  back  to  paying  my  respects  ?  ’

‘  did  we  kill  that  bottle  ?  ’

‘  i  genuinely  like  the  kid.  i  mean,  we  almost  died  together.  that’s  gotta  count  for  something.  ’

‘  he  wasn’t  gonna  marry  (name)  because.  .  .  well,  because  he’s  in  love  with  me.  and  i  think  that  i  am  falling  for  him  too.  ’

'  they  say  he  wants  my  money,  but  he  won't  get  shit.  '    

‘  can  i  get  your  autograph  ?  '

‘  i’m  not  afraid  of  love.  i’m  not  !  ’

‘  i  was  gonna  propose,  okay  ?  i  had  the  goddamn  ring  and  everything.  ’

'  you  want  me  to  sign  a  prenup  ?  '

‘  if  you  wanna  go,  we  can  go.  ’

‘  they  don’t  always  leave  with  the  ones  they  came  in  with.  ’

‘  you’d  have  to  be  one  dumb  hick  fuck  to  be  messing  around  with  your  girlfriend  when  you’re  about  to  marry  someone  else.  ’

‘  fuck  ‘em  all.  ’

‘  it  doesn’t  fucking  matter  !  ’

‘  you  got  some  balls  ?  you  fucking  prove  it  !  ’

‘  he  has  treated  you  like  a  son  !  sure,  in  the  way  that  dads  are  super  cold  to  their  sons  to  try  to  get  them  to  stop  acting  like  such  pussies,  but  still.  '

‘  i’m  pretty  sure  this  wedding  is  fucked  anyways.  ’

‘  i  think  this  wedding  has  been  fucked  for  a  long  time.  ’

‘  my  plan  did  not  involve  you  fucking  him.  ’

‘  thank  god  i  didn’t  propose  to  you.  ’

‘  i  should’ve  known.  maybe  i  sort  of  did.  ’

‘  you  are  the  smartest  person  i’ve  ever  known.  ’

‘  i  know  this  is  a  shame  wedding,  but  i  have  been  dreaming  about  this  day  since  i  was  a  little  girl,  so  please,  just  give  me  this.  ’

‘  are  they  dancing  to  the  national  anthem  ?  ’

‘  do  republicans  hate  america  ?  because  this  is  like  a  dance  version  of  burning  the  flag.  ’

‘  shut  the  fuck  up.  you  know  the  saying  isn’t  an  endless  stream  of  bullshit  and  bad  puns  is  the  soul  of  wit,  right  ?  ’

‘  you  don’t  wanna  be  my  friend,  don’t  be  my  friend.  who  cares  ?  ’

‘  i  knew  you  were  full  of  shit,  but  i  didn’t  think  you  were  all  shit.  ’

‘  wow.  you  really  have  crossed  all  the  way  over  to  the  dark  side.  ’

‘  i  learned  it  by  watching  you,  dad.  ’

‘  part  of  me  wants  to  give  you  a  big  old  hug.  a  bigger  part  of  me  wants  to  beat  the  dog  shit  out  of  you  in  front  of  all  your  friends  and  fake  family.  ’

‘  that’s  cute,  but  this  isn’t  a  negotiation.  ’

‘  now  if  you’ll  excuse  me,  i  have  to  go  do  the  fucking  hokey-pokey.  ’

‘  you’re  a  selfish  piece  of  shit.  ’

‘  i  mean,  this  marriage  has  always  been  bullshit  on  some  level  anyway.  ’

‘  just  like  theatre  camp,  i’m  always  getting  fucked  by  gay  guys.  ’

‘  duh,  (name)’s  gay.  my  hubby  likes  chubby.  ’

‘  these  mind  games  that  you’re  pulling  ?  it’s  getting  sad.  ’

‘  wanna  commit  a  murder  ?  let’s  do  it,  i’m  in.  ’

‘  yeah,  of  course  (name)’s  gay.  i  thought  everyone  knew  that.  ’

‘  maybe  we  just  have  better  gay  radar  than  you.  ’

‘  i’m  back,  baby  !  i  gotta  do  some  coke.  ’

‘  why  is  he  dating  me  ?  ’

‘  i  swear  i’m  gonna  kill  that  motherfucker.  ’

‘  now,  i  know  i’ve  been  shitty  to  you  in  the  past,  and  the  recent  past,  and  this  morning,  but  it’s  gotta  be  you  and  me  now,  okay  ?  together.  ’

‘  how  could  i  forget  you  ?  you’re  my  first.  and  my  wife.  ’

‘  it’s  okay  to  be  confused.  ’

‘  i  do  love  you.  ’

‘  oh,  i  need  to  say  it  too  ?  i  thought  it  was  implied.  ’

‘  (name)  was  feeling  all  lovey  dovey,  you  know  ?  kissing  my  neck  and  feeling  me  up,  grabbing  my---  ’

‘  i  had  to  pretend  i  found  a  lump  just  so  i  could  get  out  of  there  without  punching  him  in  his  lying-ass  face.  ’

‘  i  can’t  believe  that  you  didn’t  know  he  was  gay.  ’

‘  you  dated  a  girl  for  an  entire  year  without  realizing  she  was  deaf  !  ’

‘  can  you  believe  it  ?  we  got  him  trapped  in  a  classic  catch-69.  ’

‘  i  would  have  never  got  here  without  you.  i  can’t  think  of  anybody  i’d  rather  to  celebrate  with.  ’

‘  if  i  don’t  show,  you  better  call  the  fucking  morgue.  ’

‘  it’s  over,  (name).  you  can  never  fix  this.  ’

‘  (name)  is  a  piece  of  shit.  and  he’s  not  your  friend.  ’

‘  what  has  he  ever  done  for  you  ?  ’

‘  i  gotta  tell  you,  it’s  been  amazing  to  watch  your  evolution  from  punk-ass  bitch  to  cold-ass  mofo.  ’

‘  wakey  wakey,  you  fucking  lightweight.  ’

‘  you’re  dead.  welcome  to  hell  !  ’

‘  i  cried  for  the  first  time  since  reagan  got  shot  and  didn’t  die.  ’

‘  let’s  all  party  until  we  die  !  ’

‘  can  i  talk  to  you  in  private  ?  ’

‘  i’ll  try  anything  twice.  ’

‘  i’m  worried  about  you,  (name).  talk  to  me.  i  got  a  feeling  i’m  the  only  person  you  can  talk  to  about  this.  ’

‘  it’s  like  when  i  first  got  to  the  city,  i  kept  seeing  these  ads  for  the  mcdonald’s  mcrib.  do  you  know  that  thing  ?  it’s  like  a  rack  of  ribs  on  a  bun,  except  it’s  not.  it’s  something  called  restructured  meat  product,  and  they  pressurize  it  into  the  shape  of  ribs,  bones  and  all.  it  doesn’t  make  sense.  the  bones  aren’t  real.  and  i  guess  sometimes  that’s...  that’s  how  i  feel.  like  i’ve  been  pressed  into  this  shape  that  doesn’t  make  sense  to  me.  ’

‘  i  don’t  know  what  i  feel.  but  i  feel  it  in  my  bones.  ’

‘  that’s  whats  so  great  about  new  york.  you  can  be  who  you  are.  and  you’ll  figure  out  who  that  is.  ’

‘  should  we  order  some  ribs  ?  ’

‘  i  can’t  believe  how  fucked  everyone  is.  ’

‘  i  know  you  knew,  you’re  too  smart  not  too.  ’

‘  for  someone  so  smart,  you  have  a  real  blind  spot  for  (name).  ’

‘  he  acts  like  the  only  reason  you  got  anywhere  is  because  you  slept  with  him.  ’

‘  i’m  not  a  fucking  pussy  anymore.  ’

‘  i  deserved  it  from  him,  but  from  you  ?  jesus  christ,  how  could  you  do  this  shit  ?  what  a  punk  move.  ’

‘  let  me  get  my  camcorder,  ‘cause  i  love  it  when  mommy  and  daddy  fight.  ’

‘  i  mean,  what’s  100  mill  when  you  can  make  two  ?  ’

‘  just  having  a  bit  of  an  out-of-money  experience.  ’

‘  you  guys  have  any  fucking  idea  what  you’ve  done  ?  ’

‘  people  are  gonna  lose  their  fucking  houses.  their  jobs.  their  livelihoods.  their  fucking  everything.  ’  

’  you  just  broke  the  fucking  world.  ’

‘  i  think  you’re  exaggerating.  ’

‘  nobody  screws  us  but  us.  ’

‘  i  mean,  all  siblings  take  baths  together.  ’

‘  you  always  said  that  if  i  wanted  something  from  you,  i  had  to  take  it.  ’

‘  i  love  you.  but  you  know  that  already.  so  what  is  there  even  left  to  say  ?  ’

‘  nothing  about  you  is  real.  you  are  all  bullshit.  ’

‘  i  don’t  know  what  to  believe.  ’

‘  you  think  i  came  here  for  your  pathetic  fucking  birthday  ?  ’

‘  goddamn  it,  kid,  you’re  embarrassing  yourself.  ’

‘  you’re  not  my  son.  if  you  were  my  son,  you  wouldn’t  have  fucked  up  like  this.  ’

‘  i  haven’t  felt  this  close  to  you  since  we  ate  our  brother  in  the  womb.  ’

‘  i  know  you  think  you  lost  everything,  but  you  haven’t.  ’

‘  you’re  the  only  one  in  this  room  full  of  fucking  snakes  that  never  fucked  me  over.  ’

‘  it  turns  out  your  the  best  friend  i  got  in  the  world.  jesus  christ,  i  love  you,  man.  ’

‘  fuck  me  ?  fuck  you  !  ’

‘  it  was  a  little  bumpy,  but  i  think  we  stuck  the  landing.  ’

[ground-riot-jack]

Can I - Bakugou

guess who can’t keep up with a series but has hella ideas for one shots :)

summary: based off the song Can I by Kehlani, i literally love that song and I think of bakugou every time i hear it.

warnings: some smut (MDNI), cursing, teasing, cheating, mentions of sex

Your body drops down on to the bed as you try catching your breath. You look up at the man above you, also trying to catch his breath. He sits on his knees and lightly rubs your thighs.

“Your pussy should be illegal brat” He chuckles, moving to stand up.

You reached out and grab his bicep before he gets to far away.

“Don’t tell me we’re stopping at just one round? I want the sequel Katsuki” You tease, doing your best to keep the man in your bed. It wasn’t your fault he was a complete sex god and knew exactly how to make you come apart in minutes.

He bites his lip in contemplation, checking the time on his phone before shutting it off.

“Fine but i’ve gotta be outta here in 2 hours, so no more begging” He states, crawling back over you.

“You love it when I beg” You pull him in for a kiss and oust your hips back into him and just like that, you’re both launched back into a state of ecstasy for another couple hours, responsibilities put on the back burner once again.

———————

“Hey extras, what’d i miss” You say, plopping down at your friend groups lunch table.

“God you’re starting to sound like bakugou” Kaminari states rolling his eyes.

“Speaking of, where is he?” Mina asks

“Him and Ochako said they’d be a few minutes late, she’s talking to a teacher i think” Kirishima responds, taking a huge bite of food.

“So they’re official now?” Mina asks, causing the table to dive into gossip as usual. Everyone adding their opinions. You decided to keep some things to yourself but couldn’t hide the smugness you felt knowing what you and katsuki have.

The gossip session chimes down as the aforementioned couple approaches the table. We all talk and make weekend plans for a few minutes before Bakugou says he’s throwing a party at his place.

“You? You’re throwing a party? You’re actually gonna let tons of shitty idiots into your place? Hah ya right” You laugh at the idea.

“Using my words huh? Some might think you’re a little obsessed with me y/n?” Bakugou quips back.

“Oh please, everyone knows you’re madly in love with me and are too scared to confess” You chuckle.

Ochako stands up and walks away, taking her lunch tray with her. No one says anything but we all look to Bakugou.

“She’ll be fine” He grunts, mumbling about the pain in the ass he calls his girlfriend. Everyone moves on and begins talking about their outfits for the party.

“Why don’t you just tell your girlfriend that your single?” You smirk leaning closer to Katsuki.

“I don’t understand how everyone thinks you’re a sweet little angel, but really you’re a evil pornstar tryna fuck me every chance you get” He growls in your ear.

Ochako comes back with no lunch and a water bottle, sitting close to katsuki. You stand and pack up your mess.

“Alright bro, i gotta hit the library, game tonight?” You dap up all the boys in your group winking at Mina before leaving, putting a bit of extra swish in your hips, knowing who’s watching.

“How the fuck did you even meet her and why does she hang around?” Ochako spits at Bakugou.

“She’s one of the bros, relax” He rolls his eyes, moving to busy himself on his phone. He checks his notifications and sees a text from you.

shitty girl 🙄

You look stressed :( need head?

i know it’s ur fav

You’re being a little loud with your feelings baby

Fuck you, i’m coming over

He smiles locking his phone, he stands and throws his lunch away, telling his girlfriend some excuse about the gym before walking back to his room.

He pushes open his door and sees you laying in his bed on your stomach, reading a book while kicking your feet. He grabs your ankle and pulls you down to him. He flips you over and grabs your neck.

“You gonna be nice and quiet for me?” He immediately dips into your neck.

“No promises. Why’d you wear a white shirt? Just gonna be soaked through with my juices.” You smirk back.

“We’ll see about that.” He laughs, setting his phone on the bedside table.

“Making a sex tape Dynamight?”

“you bet your ass i am” He says his attention back on you.

——————

You and mina finish up your outfits and makeup, checking eachother to make sure you look your absolute best. You take an uber from Minas apartment to Bakugous, bottles in hand.

You knock on the door, and are greeted by bakugou in a black t-shirt, gold chain and jeans. It’s blows your mind how hot he can look in a simple outfit.

“Who the fuck are you” He jokes.

“Hi i’m Hell, nice to meet ya” You wink handing him the bottle and slipping in the door.

“You know you’re fucking with a demon, i want you on your best behavior tonight or else” Katsuki growls quietly in your ear as you stand in the kitchen making a drink.

“Anything to please you King Explosion Murder” You joke, walking away to join the rest of your friends.

You end up in the same place you’re always in when you party with bakugou, bent over the bathroom sink, brain melting at the pleasure.

“Fuck i’m close baby, where ya want me?” Bakugou grunts, pace never faltering.

“Inside me please” You cry out

“Fuck such a good little slut, want to make a daddy yea?” He groans while finishing. You both clean eachother up and head back to the party as normal as possible.

——————-

After a few hours, everyone has moved back to their respective homes. You couldn’t help but think about Katsuki, you’d gotten used to him being in your bed until you fell asleep, even if he was gone by the morning.

Your phone began to ring, pulling you out of your thoughts. It’s Bakugou.

“Hey Suki”

“Can I stop by?” He whispers

“why are you whispering?”

“Ochakos sleeping in my bed, can i please. Need to see you tonight”

“You’ve already seen me Suki, you can come over but, we can’t keep doing this” You sigh. He agrees then hangs up. Moments later there’s a light knock on your door. As soon as you open it, you’re swooped up in a kiss.

“I need you, not just in the sex way, but like I need you. I don’t want her, just wanted to make Deku jealous. Want you” He speaks in between kisses.

“Can we figure out the logistics after please Suki?” You beg.

“Of course baby, after” He pulls you down the hall and into the bed, beginning the same dance you’ve become so used too.

[eideticmemory]

TWO GHOSTS IV | MATTHEW GUBLER

It’s been 15 years. 15 years has to be long enough . . . right? Read PART 3.

Set 15 years after the end of Ever Since New York, so give that a read first!

Word Count: 3.9k.

Warning: Usual angst, porn, and poor communication amongst characters.

SOUNDTRACK:

Love Affair - UMI

Debt - Eliza McLamb

Sometimes Sunshine - Seasalt

A nonstop flight, from New York City to Los Angeles, is three hours long. On a good day. And May 16 was supposed to be a good day. A great day. The best day of Matthew’s life. He tries not to think about it, not to reminisce too often. About the way he walked through the airport with a little jog, a little pep in his step. And the way he smiled through security, and constantly checked behind him as if you would magically appear. The roses he bought for you in a gift shop near the terminal.

See, a nonstop flight from New York City to Los Angeles is three hours long. On a good day. But Matthew wasn’t looking for three hours. He wasn’t asking you for a few hours of your time, or even a good day. He was asking you for a lifetime.

And that day, he had booked you two a connecting flight that totaled over six hours, with a two hour layover in Colorado. There was a little ice cream shop in the Denver airport, and they served blueberry ice cream. Matthew remembered it was your favorite, and saved just enough money to get your tickets and an entire pint. He couldn’t shake the thought of flying across the country with you, seeing a few small parts of it at a time. A few small parts at a time, until someday, you two had seen the whole world together.

He bought a blanket for you and, while waiting at the terminal, he sat it in the seat beside him, keeping it warm for when you would arrive. He had a little itinerary written in his notes app, and so far everything was going to plan. He had a bouquet of roses in his lap, and he killed time by looking up engagement rings online.

He didn’t start to worry until maybe, an hour, an hour and a half before the plane was set to depart. He called you, just to check in, and it went straight to voicemail. But he was still hopeful. There was very little that could destroy his peace that day. His hope. His happiness.

He tries not to think about it. The way the seconds inched by like a caterpillar moving across the limb of a tree. Slowly, painfully. The way his hope dwindled, and dwindled, and the insane amount of times he heard,

Hey, it’s [y/n]! Leave a message!

He can’t think about it anymore. The way he spents those six hours alone. Bawling his way through flight after flight, and eating a pint of blueberry ice cream by himself. He spent hours on his own. And weeks, months, hell, he spent years thinking that maybe, just maybe, you would find your way back to him.That the universe would magically correct itself.

And you’d come home.

Fifteen.

It took him fifteen years to find you again. It took fifteen years for the universe to bring you back together, and Matthew spent the first five thinking it was all some really shitty nightmare. It took him fifteen years to get close to you, to hear you say his name again, to get inside of you again.

And he managed to fuck it all up in a matter of twenty-four hours.

His body is paralyzed. His mind is moving a mile a minute, and he can’t take his eyes off the ceiling. His chest feels tight, like he can’t breathe properly. He knows he should not feel sorry for himself. That he, alone, is responsible for this wreck. But he can’t seem to shake it. He can’t seem to move.

“What the hell did I do?”

A knock at your door wakes you up. You don’t remember falling asleep, you don’t know how you were able to. But now, it’s all you want to do. You want to stay in the bed, in a state of unconsciousness and dreariness where you can’t remember your mistakes. But someone is knocking. Incessantly, loudly. And they won’t stop.

You roll out of bed, and drag your body across the floor. Zombie like, your shoulders are slouched, your eyes are hooded. Your feet shuffle along the floor like they’re weighted to the hardwood. Your footsteps are slow, hesitant. You don’t know what you’ll do if Matthew is on the other side of that door. You just . . . you don’t know. The very thought of it is making your stomach churn, and you suddenly feel very, very nauseous. The banging continues, and it’s as someone is using all their force. Like they’d break the door down if they could.

“[y/n]!”

You instantly relax at the sound of her voice. You speed up, hurry to the door, “[y/n] [y/l/n]! I know you can hear me! Open up!”

The door swings open and you catch her with her fist in the air, ready to strike the door once again. She’s pissed, doesn’t try to hide it, couldn’t hide it even if she tried.

“Good morning,” you rasp.

“It’s one in the afternoon,” she corrects you, pushing her way into your home.

“Please,” you say, shutting the door behind her. “Come on in.”

“Y’know,” Everest starts, clasping her hands in front of her as a wild look graces her face. “You’ve always been one of the good ones . . . hell, you’ve been . . . great, if that’s the word. You’re better than the others. The ones that really write my checks. But, um, you’re testing me, [y/n].”

You don’t even have to ask.

“Now, if there’s is some magical relationship blooming, or a monumental disaster about to strike, then you need to tell me now, so I can fix it. I’m a fixer, you know, that’s what I do. So, why are you making this so hard for me?”

“If it . . .” you clear your throat, cross your arms as you stare at her feet. “If it makes you feel any better, um, this is hard for me, too.” You attempt to joke. But you just sound sad.

“Yeah?” she raises her eyebrows. “So hard that you come out of his hotel in tears? And what the hell were you doing over there anyway? Was there a plan? Did he call you to come over?”

“I don’t see how any of this matters.”

“It matters because I woke up at seven in the morning — on a saturday — to all sorts of choas and speculation, and picture evidence of you doing exactly what I told you not to do!”

“Yeah, well, I’m a idiot. Don’t worry, that’s been established.”

“The internet is undefeated. Okay? People are . . . great at making up stories, making assumptions. And as your publicist, I need to know the whole story, the real story, before it gets twisted even further.”

You sigh, and walk over to the couch. As you sit down, you pull a pillow into your lap for just a little bit of comfort. “What do you mean the whole story?”

“Wrong choice of words,” Everest says. “The important parts of the whole story. Like are you dating him? Are you fucking him? If so, how long has this been going on?”

You can’t make eye contact as you speak, “I . . . fucked . . . him . . . a few times, a long time ago . . .”

She nods. She motions at you to continue, “. . . And?”

“And . . .” you breathe out. “I fucked him, again. Recently.”

“Last night? At the hotel?”

“Last night . . . not at the hotel.”

“Sooo, when? — Oh, my God,” she lowers her eyebrows at you, purses her lips. “You didn’t.”

“Oh, I did,” you nod. It’s a shameful nod. “You know they say there’s no sex like sex in a dressing room.”

“They also say polka dots are making a comeback, you believe everything you hear?”

“Sorry.”

“So you fuck him in the dressing room, and?”

“And . . . we go our seperate ways . . . again. And, then I realize that’s a lot easier said then done, so I . . . I go for him. I go for him . . .” Everest can hear the way your voice is cracking, the way the weight on your shoulder is slowly pushing the air out of your lungs. “And, uh,” you clear your throat. “Yeah. Yeah, it didn’t work out. Hence the . . . photos of me crying, I guess.”

“Mm,” she nods, crosses her arms. “And the other girl?”

You freeze, cut your head up at her. “What other girl?”

“What do you mean? The girls that came out right behind you. Same sad face? Kinda got a Natalie Portman look to her?”

“I . . .” you shake your head. “I didn’t know she came out after me, I must have left by then.”

“Who is she?”

You give her a shrug, “I don’t know.”

“His girlfriend?”

You huff, “Guess so.”

“Ah, so, some people online actually got it right. Huh, look at that.”

“Look, if the point of all of this is to keep me away from him, you can stop now. I don’t plan on seeing him ever again.”

The doorbell rings, as if on queue, and Everest instantly gives you a look. “What?” you ask. “I don’t know who it is. Your guess is as good as mine.”

She scoffs at you, and turns around, marching towards the door with a certain determination. She pulls it open, and immediately puts her hand on her hip. “You gotta be fucking kidding me.”

“Oh,” Matthew gasps. “Uh, oh . . . fuck . . . sorry, I must — I must have the wrong house.”

“You sure do, Romeo.”

You stand from the couch, your face laced with shock and anger and confusion, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Don’t engage, [y/n], what the hell?” Everest interjects.

You roll your eyes and cross your arms over your chest. “How the hell did you find my house?” you direct at Matthew.

“Oh, what?” he scoffs. “Like you’re the only one around here who can play stalker?”

“Go home, Matthew.”

“Five minutes. I’m asking you for five minutes. You can time me if you want.”

“Go back to California, Matthew.”

“Look, I know I fucked up. I know, but —“

“Do you?” you snap. You take slow, calculated steps towards the front door, and your voice is lowering to a rumble. “Do you know that you fucked up? Because, if you did, if you truly knew just how badly you fucked up, then you would leave. You would get on a fucking plane and leave, and you would never come back!”

The way Matthew is looking at you right now.Like he can’t fathom what’s happening. Like he is trying his very best not to feel defeated. “Can I . . . can I just —“

“No.” Everest says. “You heard her. Fuck off, string bean.”

You walk away, retiring to your kitchen. You try to keep yourself busy, but you’re trembling like mad and you can barely breathe.

Matthew leaves. You know because you hear the door close. Everest comes into the kitchen, and you feel stuck. Frozen to the spot and position you’re in. Your back is to her, and you can’t begin to imagine or guess what look is on her face right now.

She’s quiet for a moment, eyeing you with her arms crossed at her chest. She leans against the entryway and sighs, “Tell me more.”

Ramona walks up your driveway, and it isn’t until she looks up from her phone that she sees Matthew. She notices him, and he notices her, and Ramona tries to act like it didn’t happen, But when Matthew opens his mouth to speak, she blows past him, “I’m not supposed to talk to you.”

“I know,” he says instantly. He is well aware, but it doesn’t stop him from running in front of her, blocking her from your front door. “I know, I know. I’m sorry, but . . . please, can you give this [y/n]?”

Matthew holds out an envelope. It’s bright red, your name is printed on the front of it in his handwriting.

Ramona glances at it, but she quickly glances back up, “Do I look like a mailman to you?”

“She won’t take it from me. She won’t talk to me. She might take it from you.”

“Yeah, or she might fire me for even taking it from you in the first place.”

“[y/n] wouldn’t do that.”

“Yeah, yeah, she’s usually pretty amazing, except for when you’re around, or when you’re brought up, or when you’re fucking with her head. You make her a different person, dude. I want no part of it.”

He nods, looks down, “Fair enough . . . I’ll put it in her mailbox.”

“Yeah, why don’t you do that?” She shrugs, and she continues on by him.

“Damn . . .” Everest says. “You ghosted the guy at the airport?”

“Basically,” you shrug.

“Well, fuck,” she scoffs. “That is some serious great gatsby shit.”

“Yeah, we’ve always had a flair for the dramatic.”

The doorbell rings, and you both turn your heads sharply towards the entrance. “You don’t think he would come back, do you?” Everest asks as she walks to the door.

“Well, he never listens much to anything I say, but he’s probably a little scared of you.”

She laughs, and when she opens the door, she tells you it’s only Ramona, who walks in quickly, looking for you. She gives you a soft smile, and joins you in the kitchen as Everest follows close behind.

“So,” Ramona pips. “What’s the game plan?”

“You and [y/n] come to my office in the city and we’ll figure it out. Hey, did you pass him on your way out?” Everest asks her.

“Uh, who?”

“Matthew,” you tell her. “He was just here, you didn’t see him?”

“He was here?” Ramona questions, putting on a look of bewilderment. “When?”

“Just now. He left right before you got here.” Everest explains.

“Holy shit,” Ramona says. “What’d he want?”

“[y/n].”

“So,” you interrupt. “Your office? Now? We can go ahead and get going.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Everest stops you in your tracks, throwing her hands up. “Not so fast, you . . . you need to shower first.”

You look down at your outfit. You’re still dressed in Claire’s clothes and they’re completely disheveled. You haven’t showered or brushed your teeth since the last time you had sex, and the very thought makes you feel dirty. You look exactly how you feel. You sigh, “Fair enough.”

“We’ll wait in the car,” Everest nods, and motions to Ramona to follow her.

“What are we gonna do with her?” she says to Ramona as soon as they’re out of the house and walking down the driveway.

“I don’t know, she’s my boss . . . I can only help so much.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve known [y/n] for a long time now, and she’s never needed saving. But, something tells me we’re going to have to keep her away from this one.”

“From Matthew?” Ramona stops in her tracks.

“Well,” Everest stops, turns around to look at her. “She’s a grown woman. She’ll do what she wants. But, that zombie in there,” she motions to the house. “Who walks around the city in her pajamas for a man, is not [y/n]. Atleast, not the world’s [y/n]. People love her. She’s one of the few celebrities that’s kind and passionate and isn’t problematic. I’m just being proactive here.”

“Proactive?”

“She says she’s done with him. She told him she’s done with him. Now, we will just keep her on that path. Few months later, she and the rest of the world forget this ever happened and everything is back to normal.”

“You sound very sure of all of this.”

“Yeah, well, I like my schedules and I happen to like [y/n] so I better be sure. Come on, our ride’s further down the driveway,” Everest continues walking. While Ramona is stuck in place.

“Hey! Uh,” Ramona stutters, suddenly, loudly, causing Everest to turn around once again. “I think I left my water bottle in the house. I’ll meet you in the car?”

“Okay,” Everest eyes her. “It’s just around the corner. And tell [y/n] to hurry up.”

“I will!”

Ramona waits for Everest to continue down the driveway, and when she’s just far enough, Ramona turns around and acts as if she’s walking back up to your front door. When she’s positive Everest has made it to the car, she runs over to your mailbox. She opens it slowly, so it doesn’t creak as loud. The bright red envelope is the only thing in there, and she takes it out quickly. She looks at it for a moment, asks herself what the hell she’s doing. But she doesn’t have time to think right now, you could walk out at any moment. She closes your mailbox, shoves the envelope in her bag, and walks down the driveway.

Matthew Gubler, himself, is a disruption in the space-time continuum.

When you start tallying up the days, it just doesn’t make sense. Some days, every second feels like it’s crawling by. You’ll be in class, at the head of the class, and you’re surprised when your lesson plan ends atleast ten minutes early. And some days, time moves too fast. You find yourself running late for things, events, important people or things, which isn’t like you.

You call it Matthew Brain, and you keep that term to yourself. It happened fifteen years ago. And it’s happening now. It’s a slow, steady descent back to earth, back to reality. Time isn’t real with him, and you think that’s the reason you can’t remember much of your senior year. It’s a rush, a high to even be near him, and it’s the ultimate collapse when he’s gone. Really gone. Out of the life, for the second time.

Time has reset.

And what feels like one month with Matthew Gubler, only turns out to be four days.

You’re on a journey back to earth, and you haven’t even reached the bottom yet. It’s coming, but not now, you thought. You have time to prepare. And this time you’ll be ready. Ready to hit rock bottom, and spend another fifteen years digging yourself out. You have time, you’re sure of it.

Then Ramona comes into your office. She notices you crying, and you have to twirl around in your chair while you wipe the tears away. “Shit, Ro,” you try to laugh. “What’s up?”

“Uh, your afternoon class?” she reminds you. “With the girls at the community center? . . . What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

A lot. Not anything that you can really talk to Ramona about. And each day is something different. Like today, you’re feeling like a fucking idiot. You feel unbelievably stupid and lost and question why anyone in their right mind would choose to learn anything from you. You feel defeated, and you can’t get the look on that girl’s face out of your head.

You turn to Ramona with a soft smile, “I’m fine. I forgot about the class, thank you for reminding me. I just have to grab a few things before I go.”

“Well,” she sets her bag down in one of the chairs on the opposite side of your desk. She takes a seat in the other, “You’ve got some time, I haven’t even called the ride yet.”

You eye her, suspicious furrowing your eyebrows, “Oh, don’t do that.”

“Do what?” she seems genuinely confused.

“Sit there and feel sorry for me. I don’t need pity. I’m alright.”

“I’ve never seen you cry before . . . I’m just worried.”

“And I appreciate that, kid, I really do. But you don’t have to be, alright?”

“. . . okay.” she shrugs.

“Anyways,” you change the subject. “How much time do I have until I’ve gotta be out of here?”

“Um, I can call you a ride now, it should be here in about, ten minutes?” Ramona pulls her phone from her pocket, and holds it up as she dials the number.

“Sounds good,” you nod.

She leaves the room to make the call, and when she closes the door, you release a big sigh. As if you’d been holding it in the whole time she was here. You get up from your chair, and walk around the desk. Not paying attention, you stub your toe into the adjacent chair, so hard that the chair falls to the ground.

“Ow! Son of a b—“ your yelp is cut off by a painful groan, and your reach down to hold your foot. You look out in front of you, and Ramona’s entire bag has spilled out across the floor. “Fuck,” you mumble and instantly begin to clean it up.

It’s bright red. And it sticks out like a sore thumb. You reach over to grab it, but only because you recognized his hand writing. You run your fingers over your name, and your head is starting to hurt from the amount of pure confusion.

The door swings open, “Okay, they’ll be here in fifteen, but you have some wiggle room —“ Ramona stops when she sees the item in your hand.

You stand up straight, look her in the eye. She’s shaking. She’s trembling, and there are already tears in her eyes.

“I . . . can explain,” she says.

“Then explain.”

“Matthew . . . wanted me to — to give that to you.”

“When?”

“When, um, when he was at your house on Saturday.”

“You said you didn’t see him. You acted like you didn’t even know he had been there. You took this from him?” your voice goes up at slight octave. Not by much, but it stills cuts Ramona like a knife.

“No! No, I didn’t take it from him. I told him to put it in the mailbox. Which he did, but then I . . .”

“You? You what? Went into my mailbox and took it? Are you kidding?”

“It was crazy! I know! It was absolutely insane of me! But—But Everest was saying all these things about protecting your image, and being proactive, I just wanted to help. I thought —“

“Everest? Everest knew about this?”

“No. No. I took it when she wasn’t looking, and I just, I thought maybe if you didn’t know about the letter, you would be able to move on, y’know? Heal.”

“That was not your decision to make.”

“I know. [y/n], I’m so sorry. I can’t — I can’t even begin —“

“You’re right,” you interrupt her. “You can’t.”

You look down at the envelope in your hands, and shake your head. “God, Ro, I can barely look at you right now.”

“I’m sorry . . .”

You nod.

“I’ll . . . go wait for the car,” she nods, sadly and apologetically exiting the room.

You close the door behind her, and press your back against it. You slide to the floor, and bring the evelope close to your face. The day is not over, and you may need all night to take this in. You are not mentally prepared for whatever is in your hands, but, you rip it open anyway.

There’s a thin piece of paper inside. You pick it up, and it feels so frail that you worry it might rip. You set it on top of the envelope, and examine it. Your eyes dot over the page, until you realize, it’s not a letter at all.

American Airlines

[y/n] [y/l/n]

Seat: 14A

May Sixteenth, 2002

It’s a plane ticket. From fifteen years ago.

One you’ve never seen.

One you’ve never touched.

And now that it’s in your hands, you wish you never knew it existed.

[iwadori]

hii i saw ur taking requests and I wanted to ask if you could do a fic with the miya twins,suna and iwa comforting their s/o after they have a dream of them cheating on her? tysm!

Cheating Misunderstandings with the haikyu boys (Osamu,Atsumu)

Word Count:1.8K

Genre:angst,fluff

masterlist

AN: This was kind of on the lines of what you wanted, but I hope you enjoy it. Also you guys will see an ‘Empress appearance’ in this work....so don’t kill me.

Osamu:

You were walking to miya onigiri ready to pick up Samu to go home

But when you got to the front door you see Osamu in the shop winding touching another girl

You couldn’t see the girl or Osamu properly because of the angle you were at

But you wouldn’t say your eyes were decieving you, so you did what you should do turn on your heel and get out of there.

You were back at your apartment and you were fuming, you were at your desk and decided that distracting yourself with your mountainous amount of paperwork that you had for your job would be better than sitting down and stewing over watching your boyfriend cheat on you.

‘How long has this been going on,’ you thought to yourself ‘Who even is she? She can’t be a worker’ since you knew everyone that worked there and the manager Empress would definitely not let a worker get with Osamu since you were besties after all.

Distracting yourself, obviously didn’t work and you sent yourself into a spiral of social stalking, trying to find this girl. Which didn’t work, as you only saw her hair and her height which was around a foot shorter than Osamu’s. ‘Stupid Osamu’ you thought, how could he do this? Why would you do this?

You wanted to cry, you were going to cry. Outside you heard a car door shut, and looking out your window you saw Osamu walking out the car with his keys in his mouth and bags (presumably food) in his hand.  

You heard some knocking, well kicking at your front door and a light shout of “Babe, can you open the door my arms our pretty full here.” You didn’t answer, you didn’t even move cause you knew if you saw his face it’ll most likely be him saying ‘Y/N im sorry, but theres someone else’ the thought alone made you cringe. You were knocked out of your thoughts with again the kicking of the door and Osamu saying with a laugh “C’mon babe all you really gonna leave a guy stranded out here, ive got your favourite too and its going to get cold”

You reluctantly opened the door, not actually greeting Osamu and just going back to your room to pack away your paper work and close your laptop. To your surprise Osamu was behind you and gave you a quick kiss to your cheek, which you would usually smile and ease into but today you cringed and quickly moved. Making Osamu look at you with a side eye.

By time he was setteled in you were sitting down at the dinner table eating, with the sound of Gordon Ramsey’s Hell Kitchen filling your awkward silence. Osamu did try to speak to you but you always just responded with “yeah,” “sure,” or “maybe.” Short simple answers that Osamu definitely didn’t like.

When dinner was over and it was the time when you two usually watched a shitty reality tv show together, you decided to go to bed early to avoid any more awkward conversation with Osamu. But before you could clamber into bed, Osamu grabs your arm saying “Y/N, what’s wrong with you?”

“What do you mean Samu?” you say with a forced smile on your face even though he couldn’t see it, you just did so he didn’t see you start to tear up “nothing’s wrong with me.”

“Are you Y/N?”

“mhm” you murmured trying to shrug off his hold, you sniffled a bit (attempting to do it quietly) but he heard it.

“No y/n, what’s wrong can’t you just turn around.” The force of you pulling away and he pulling you close, left you falling onto your bed and the tears just started to fall. Osamu immediately crouched down to your eye line “whats wrong love?” he said with a tender voice.

You shook your head in response, “what’s wrong?? Please tell me Y/N.”

“Why would you do that to me?” you say your voice breaking as the tears streamed your face. Osamu started to panick seeing you cry.

“Do what Y/N, what do you mean?”

“You cheated on me? Was I not enough for you? Don’t you love me anymore.”

“Who Y/N!Who.?”

“You touched her, I saw you. I can’t believe you would do that. In public as well” you accused “How could you do that to me.”

“Y/N, baby listen I don’t know what you mean?”

“Don’t call me that Miya, you’re such a fucking liar oh my god.”

“Can you please explain to me what you’re talking about?”

“You. In the shop. I saw you, touching her” you say scowling saying the last line as if It was poisonous.

“In the shop? What do you-” a spark flashed in Osamus eyes before he stood up and started pulling you out the room “You need to come with me.”

“Miya, what are you doing? I’m not going anywhere with you.” you groaned

“Yes you are, and stopped calling me that.”  

He dragged you outside to his car and opened the door for you, standing expectedly waiting for you to get in. “Im not getting in,” you say folding your arms

“Oh yes you are. Just get in the car.”

“But im in my roblox pyjamas” you groaned again feeling like a child.

“And you still hot babe don’t worry” he said winking at you ushering you into the car “Just get in it’ll be a quick ride anyways.”

You pulled outside of onigiri miya and Osamu begin to drag you out again taken you to the office where the security cameras are. He did something on the community and pulled up a date and time which was the time you were at the store earlier.

Playing on the screen was the recording and the incident which you saw before, but this one was a differnet angle. You saw a girl walking one way and Osamu walking the over with a drink in his hand, him spilling the drink on her and cleaning her off with a paper towel. Which you thought was him groping and touching her.

Your cheeks heated up hard in embarrasment, as you realised how you acted and how you got it all wrong. You saw Osamu with a glint in his eye and smirk on his face and before he could say anything you said “Dont. Let’s get back to the car.”  

All was forgotten on your car ride home and you decided to discuss eachothers days (skipping out the ‘cheating’ part.) However after you watched you shows and finally gotten into bed, when Osamu was holding you right against his chest (so close where you could hear his heartbeat) he said, “Y/N, although we agreed to not talk about this incident...even though I will definitely be telling Empress, I just want to let you know that I will never even think about cheating on you let alone actually doing it, I love you so much that the idea of cheating is so uncomprehendable I don’t even want to think about it.”

“Love you ‘Samu, and I'm sorry for making this into a big old thing when I could’ve just asked you about it.” you say in response

“It’s okay babe,” he said kissing your forehead “It’s okay.”

Atsumu

You and Atsumu have been dating fairly recently meeting in your through your friend Empress who was the manager at Atsumu’s brother Osamu’s shop Onigiri Miya.

You’ve only been together 6 months and you’re ready to tell him that you love him

However you being the perfectionist that you are, wanted it to be perfect so of course you had to practice on friend, Empress’ boyfriend Hajime.

“Okay so go.”

“Atsumu, I think you’re a stand-up guy and you’re pretty cute can I love ya.” you said punching Iwa on the arm.

“Y/N, you can’t say that.” Empress said face palming.

“Okay, Atsumu I’ve fallen for you and I can’t get up?”

“No dad jokes Y/N.” Hajime said shaking his head

“Why theyre soo funny, what about Atsumu you’re a pain in my ass.” you said winking at Empress.

“Gosh Y/N! Take this seriously for once.” Hajime said blushing at your obvious innuendo.

“Well how did you two confess you undying love to eachother?” you asked and smiled at both their reactions, knowing that they definitely haven’t done that.

“Just say your confession Y/N,” Empress said rolling her eyes

“Okay Atsumu,” you said taking a deep breath “Ever since I met you after your brother spilt a drink on me at his shop and you tried to cheer me up with your terrible jokes I knew that you were the one for me. I love your passion, your drive your determination to make me feel better all the time even when I don’t need you too. I love being with you and I...”

Hajime looked at you expectedly, “I love you,” you said smiling “There I said it I love you!”

“Oh my gosh Y/N! That was so cute you should definitely sa-”

“What the fuck Y/N!” exclaimed a voice next to you “You love this clown.”

“Who are you calling a clown,” said Iwa squaring up to Atsumu making both you and Empress roll your eyes at the heeping testoterone filling the area.  

“Haji let’s go,” said Empress dragging her boyfriend away “and Y/N I'm pretty sure you two need to talk.”

When Hajime and Empress were an ear shot away, Atsumu looked at you with a glare. “So Y/N, is this what you’re doing now slu-”

“Don’t even go there ‘tsumu, you’re such an ass sometimes.” You say walking away “And by the way I was practicing with Iwa to say I fucking love you, you asshole.”

You already stormed off before Atsumu yelled, “Wait! You love me?”

“Of course I do you ass.” you say scowling.

Atsumu jogs over to you and says, “I love you too Y/N” he picks you up and tosses you about in the air, practically doing sommersaults, “Im so happy! Wait till I tell Osamu bout this he’s probably hasn’t told his girlfriend about this.”

“Babe, they’ve been dating for years” You said with a laugh “But go ahead ‘tsumu tell the world.”

“I’m sorry for misunderstanding things.”

“And...?”

“And I'm sorry for calling Iwa a clown, knowing he would definitely beat my ass.”

“And..?”

“And I'm sorry for being an ass.” he said with his head down.

“You are an ass Atsumu,” you said with a smile “But you’re my favourite pain in the ass.” You said winking at him making him burst out with laughter at your stupid innuedo.

Whenever Atsumu sees Osamu he tells him about how much you both love eachother, which always leads them into an argument about who has the better girlfriend and who loves their girlfriend more which always has you laughing.

AN: do you guys see the connection between the two?? Cause if you see the connection I’LL LOVE YOU FOREVER :3 Hope you guys enjoyed it, what do you guys think?