#who knows what i'm bout to do with this virus and all

[grits-galraisedinthesouth]

Full transcript of the ABC News exclusive interview with President Joe Biden.

120 DAYS TO ELECTION DAY

ABC's George Stephanopoulos' exclusive interview with President Biden

July 5, 2024, 9:10 PM

One-on-one with President Biden: ABC News Exclusive

ABC’s George Stephanopoulos

President Joe Biden, in his first television interview since his CNN debate with former President Donald Trump, sat down with ABC News anchor George Stephanopoulos in Madison, Wisconsin, on Friday.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Mr. President, thank you for doing this.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Thank you for having me.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Let's start with the debate. eh, You and your team said, have said you had a bad night. But your--

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Sure did.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: But your friend Nancy Pelosi actually framed the question that I think is on the minds of millions of Americans. Was this a bad episode or the sign of a more serious condition?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: It was a bad episode. No indication of any serious condition. I was exhausted. I didn't listen to my instincts in terms of preparing and-- and a bad night.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: You know, you say you were exhausted. And-- and I know you've said that before as well, but you came-- and you did have a tough month. But you came home from Europe about 11 or 12 days before the debate, spent six days in Camp David. Why wasn't that enough rest time, enough recovery time?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Because I was sick. I was feeling terrible. Matter of fact, the docs with me. I asked if they did a COVID test because they’re trying to figure out what was wrong. They did a test to see whether or not I had some infection, you know, a virus. I didn't. I just had a really bad cold.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: And-- did you ever watch the debate afterwards?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I don't think I did, no.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Well, what I'm try-- what I want to get at is, what were you experiencing as you were going through the debate? Did you know how badly it was going?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Yeah, look. The whole way I prepared, nobody's fault, mine. Nobody's fault but mine. I, uh-- I prepared what I usually would do sittin' down as I did come back with foreign leaders or National Security Council for explicit detail. And I realized--bout partway through that, you know, all-- I get quoted the New York Times had me down, at ten points before the debate, nine now, or whatever the hell it is. The fact of the matter is, what I looked at is that he also lied 28 times. I couldn't-- I mean, the way the debate ran, not-- my fault, no one else's fault, no one else's fault.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: But it seemed like you were having trouble from the first question in, even before he spoke.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Well, I just had a bad night. You've had some bad interviews once in a while. I-- I can't remember any, but I'm sure you did.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: I've had plenty. I guess the question of-- the problem is here for a lot of Americans watching is, you've said going back to 2020, "Watch me," to people who are concerned about your age. And, you know, 50 million Americans watched that debate. It seemed to confirm fears they already had.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Well, look. After that debate, I did ten major events in a row, including until 2:00 in the morning after the debate. I did events in North Carolina. I did events in—in in Georgia, did events like this today, large crowds, overwhelming response, no-- no-- no slipping. And so, I just had a bad night. I don't know why.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: And-- how-- how quickly did it-- did it come to you that you were having that bad night?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Well, it came to me I was havin' a bad night when I realized that even when I was answering a question, even though they turned his mic off, he was still shouting. And I-- I let it distract me. I-- I'm not blaming it on that, but I realized that I just wasn't in control.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Part of the other concern is that-- this seems to fit into a pattern of decline that has been reported on recently. New York Times had a headline on July 2nd, "Biden's lapses are said to be increasingly common and worrisome." Here's what they wrote.

"People who've spent time with President Biden over the last few months or so said the lapses appear to have grown more frequent, more pronounced, and after Thursday d-- Thursday's debate, more worrisome. By many accounts, as evidenced by video footage, observation, and interviews, Mr. Biden is not the same today as he was even when he took office three-and-a-half years ago." Similar reporting in The Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal. Are you the same man today that you were when you took office three-and-a-half years ago?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: In terms of successes, yes. I also was the guy who put together a peace plan for the Middle East that may be comin' to fruition. I was also the guy that expanded NATO. I was also the guy that grew the economy. All the individual things that were done were ideas I had or I fulfilled. I moved on.

And so, for example, you know, "We-Well, that was true then, what's Biden done lately?" Di-you-just just see today, just announced 200,000 new jobs. We're movin' in the direction that no one's ever taken on. I know you know this from days in-- in-- in the-- in the government.

I took on big pharma. I beat them. No one said I could beat them. I took on all the things we said we got done, were told we couldn't get done. And part of it is what I said when I ran was I wanted to do three things: Restore some decency to the office, restore some support for the middle class instead of trickle down economics both from the middle out and the bottom up the way the wealthy still do fine, everyone does better, and unite the country.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: But what has all that work over the last three-and-a-half years cost you physically, mentally, emotionally?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Well, I-- I-- I just think it cost me a really bad night, bad run, but, you know, I-- George. I have-- I'm optimistic about this country. I don't think we're a country of losers that he points out. I don't think America's in tough shape. I think America is on the cusp of breaking through in so many incredible opportunities.

In this next term, I'm gonna make sure we gotta-- straighten out the tax system. I'm gonna make sure we're in a situation where we have healthcare for all people, where we're in a position where we have-- have childcare and eldercare, free up-- and all these things.

One thing I'm proudest of is, remember when my economic plan was put forward? A lot of the mainstream economists said, "This is not gonna work." Guess what? We now have 16 Nobel laureates, 16 of 'em in economics saying that "Biden's next term would be a sig-- enor-- based on what he wants to do, enormous success." Trump's plan would cause a recession and sig-nif-- gi-- increase inflation. I've made great progress, and that's what I plan on doin'. And we can do this.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: I-- I-- I understand that, and I'm not disputing that. What I'm asking you is-- about your personal situation. Do you dispute that there have been more lapses, especially in the last several months?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Can I run the 100 in 10 flat? No. But I'm still in good shape.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Are you more frail?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: No.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: I know you

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Come keep my schedule. (LAUGH)

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: I know you spoke with your doctor after the debate. What did he say?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: He said he-- just looked at me and said, "You're exhausted." That's it. I have medical doctors travel with me everywhere. Every President does, as you know. Medical doctors, some of the best in the world travel with me everywhere I go. I have an ongoing assessment of what I'm doin', and they don't hesitate to tell me if they think there's something wrong.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: I know you said you have an ongoing assessment. Have you had a full neurological and cognitive evaluation?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I've had-- I get a full neurological test everyday with me. And I've had a full physical. I had, you know, I mean, I-- I've been at Walter Reed for my physicals. I mean--uhm yes, the answer.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: I-- I know your doctor said he consulted with a neurologist. I-- I guess I'm asking-- a slightly different question. Have you had the specific cognitive tests, and have you had a neurologist, a specialist, do an examination?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: No. No one said I had to. No one said. They said I'm good.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Would you be willing to undergo an independent medical evaluation that included neurological and cognit-- cognitive tests and release the results to the American people?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Look. I have a cognitive test every single day. Every day I have that test. Everything I do. You know, not only am I campaigning, but I'm running the world. Not-- and that's not hi-- sounds like hyperbole, but we are the essential nation of the world..

Madeleine Albright was right. And every single day, for example, today before I came out here, I'm on the phone with-- with the prime minister of-- well, anyway, I shouldn't get into detail, but with Netanyahu. I'm on the phone with the new prime minister of England.

I'm workin' on what we were doin' with regard to-- in Europe with regard to expansion of NATO and whether it's gonna stick. I'm takin' on Putin. I mean, every day there's no day I go through there not those decisions I have to make every single day.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: And you have been doing that and the American people have been watching, yet their concerns about your age and your health are growing. So that's why I'm asking -- to reassure them, would you be willing to have the independent medical evaluation?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Watch me between-- there's a lotta time left in this campaign. There's over 125 days.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: So the answer--

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: They'll make a decision.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Right—the answer right now is, no, you-- you don't want to do that right now.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Well, I've already done it.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: You talked a lot about your successes in-- at the beginning of this interview. And-- and I don't want to dispute that, I don't want to debate that. But-- as you know, elections are about the future, not the past. They're about tomorrow, not yesterday. And the question on so many people's minds right now is, "Can you serve effectively for the next four years?"

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: George. I'm the guy that put NATO together, the future. No one thought I could expand it. I'm the guy that shut Putin down. No one thought could happen. I'm the guy that put together a South Pacific initiative with AUKUS. I'm the guy that got 50 nations out-- not only in Europe, outside of Europe as well to help Ukraine.

I'm the guy that got Japanese to expand their budget. I'm the-- so I mean, these-- and, for example, when I decided we used to have 40% of computer chips. We invented the chip, the little chip, the computer chip. It's in everything from cell phone to weapons.

And so, we used to have 40%, and we're down to virtually nothing. So I get in the plane, against the advice of everybody, and I fly to South Korea. I convince them to invest in the United States billions of dollars. Now we have tens of billions of dollars being invested in the United States making us back in a position we're gonna own that industry again. We have, I mean, I-- I just-- anyway. I'm-- I don't wanna take too much credit. I have a great staff.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: But hold on. My-- I guess my point is, all that takes a toll. Do you have the mental and physical capacity to do it for another four years?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I believes so, I wouldn't be runnin' if I didn't think I did. Look, I'm runnin' again because I think I understand best what has to be done to take this nation to a completely new new level. We're on our way. We're on our way. And, look. The decision recently made by the Supreme Court on immunity, you know, the next President of the United States, it's not just about whether he or she knows what they're doin'.

It's-- it's-- it's not-- not about a con-- a conglomerate of people making decisions. It's about the character of the President. The character of the President's gonna determine whether or not this Constitution is employed the right way.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Let me ask you a tougher, more personal question. Are you sure you're being honest with yourself when you say you have the mental and physical capacity to serve another four years?

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Let me ask you a tougher, more personal question. Are you sure you're being honest with yourself when you say you have the mental and physical capacity to serve another four years?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Yes, I am, because, George, the last thing I want to do is not be able to meet that. I think, as some of senior economist and senior foreign policy specialists say, if I stop now, I'd go down in history as a pretty successful President. No one thought I could get done what we got done.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: But are you being with honest-- with yourself as well about your ability to defeat Donald Trump right now?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: You say that, and let me challenge you.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Sure.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Because you were close but behind going into the debate. You're further behind now by-- by any measure. It's been a two-man race for several months. Inflation has come down. In those last few months, he's become a convicted felon. Yet, you're still falling further behind.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: You guys keep saying that. George, do you-- look, you know polling better than anybody. Do you think polling data as accurate as it used to be?

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: I don't think so, but I think when you look at all the polling data right now, it shows that he's certainly ahead in the popular vote, probably even more ahead in the battleground states. And one of the other key factors there is, it shows that in many of the battleground states, the Democrats who are running for Senate and the House are doing better than you are.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: That's not unusual in some states. I carried an awful lotta Democrats last time I ran in 2020. Look, I remember them tellin' me the same thing in 2020. "I can't win. The polls show I can't win." Remember 2024-- 2020, the red wave was coming.

Before the vote, I said, "That's not gonna happen. We're gonna win." We did better in an off-year than almost any incumbent President ever has done. They said in 2023, (STATIC) all the tough (UNINTEL) we're not gonna win. I went into all those areas and all those-- all those districts, and we won.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: All that is true, but 2020 was a close race. And your approval rating has dropped significantly since then. I think the last poll I saw was at about 36%.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Woah, woah, woah

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: The number of Americans who think you're too old to serve has doubled since 2020. Wouldn't a clear-eyed political calculus tell you that it's gonna be much tougher to win in 2024?.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Not when you're running against a pathological liar. Not when he hadn't been challenged in a way that he's about to be challenged. Not when people--

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: You've had months to challenge him.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Oh, sure, I had months, but I was also doin' a hell of a lot of other things, like wars around the world, like keeping NATO together, like working-- anyway. But look.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Do you really believe you're not behind right now?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I think it's in-- all the pollsters I talk to tell me it's a tossup. It's a tossup. And when I'm behind, there's only one poll I'm really far behind, CBS Poll and NBC, I mean, excuse me. And-- uh--

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: New York-- New York Times and NBC both have-- have you about six points behind in the popular vote.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: That's exactly right. New York Times had me behind before, anything having to do with this race-- had me hind-- behind ten points. Ten points they had me behind. Nothing's changed substantially since the debate in the New York Times poll.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Just when you look at the reality, though, Mr. President, I mean, you won the popular vote-- in-- in 2020, but it was still deadly close in the electoral college--

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: By 7 million votes.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Yes. But you're behind now in the popular vote.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I don't-- I don't buy that.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Is it worth the risk?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I don't think anybody's more qualified to be President or win this race than me.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: You know, the heart of your case against Donald Trump is that he's only out for himself, putting his personal interests ahead of the national interest. How do you respond to critics who say that by staying in the race, you're doing the same thing?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Oh, come on. Well, I don't think those critics know what they're talkin' about.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: They're just wrong?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: They're just wrong. Look, Trump is a pathological liar. Trump is-- he is-- you ever seen anything Trump did that benefited sa-- somebody else and not him? You can't answer, I know.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: I've-- I've questioned him and his allies as persistently as any journalist has.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Oh, I know you have. I'm not being critical. I'm not being critical, but look, I mean, the man is a congenital liar. As I said, they pointed out in that debate, he lied 27-- 28 times-- times, whatever number, over 20 times. Talk about how good his economy was, how he brought down inflation, how-- this is a guy who unlike-- only other President oth-- other than him is Hoover who lost more jobs than he created.

This is a guy who told us to put bleach in our arms to deal with COVID, with a million-- over a million people died. This is a guy who talks about wantin' to get rid of the healthcare provision we put in place. This is a guy who wants to give the power back to big pharma to be able to charge exorbitant prices for drugs. This is a guy who wants to undo every single thing I've done, every single-- every single thing.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: I understand that. I understand that's why you want to stay in the race, but have you convinced yourself that only you can defeat him?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I convinced myself of two things. I'm the most qualified person to beat him, and I know how to get things done.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: If you can be convinced that you cannot defeat Donald Trump, will you stand down?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: (LAUGH)- It depends on-- on if the Lord Almighty comes down and tells me that, I might do that.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Well, if-- I mean, on a more practical level, The Washington Post just reported in the last hour that Senator Mark Warner is-- is assembling a group of Senators together to try and convince you to stand down, because they don't think you can win.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Well, Mark is a good man. We've never had (UNINTEL). He also tried to get the nomination too. Mark's not-- Mark and I have a different perspective. I respect him.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: And if Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries and Nancy Pelosi come down and say, "We're worried that if you stay in the race, we're gonna lose the House and the Senate," how will you respond?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I-- I'd go into detail with them. I've speaken (PH) to all of them in detail including Jim Clyburn, every one of 'em. They all said I should stay in the race-- stay in the race. No one said-- none of the people said I should leave.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: But if they do?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Well, it's, like, (LAUGH) they're not gonna do that.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: You’re sure?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Well, Yeah, I’m sure. Look. I mean, if the Lord Almighty came down and said, "Joe, get outta the race," I'd get outta the race. The Lord Almighty's not comin' down. I mean, these hypotheticals, George, if, I mean, it's all--

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: But-- but it's-- it's-- it's not that hypothetical anymore. I-- I-- I-- I grant that the-- they have not k-- requested a meeting, but it's been reported--

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: But they-- I met with them. I met with a lotta these people. I talk with them regularly. I had an hour conversation with Hakeem. I had more time (UNITEL)with Jim Clyburn. I spent time with many hours off and on in the last little bit with Chuck Schumer. It's not like-- I had all the governors-- all the governors.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: I agree that the Lord Almighty's not gonna come down, but if-- if-- if you are told reliably from your allies, from your friends and supporters in the Democratic Party in the House and the Senate that they're concerned you're gonna lose the House and the Senate if you stay in, what will you do?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I'm not gonna answer that question. It's not gonna happen.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: What's your plan to turn the campaign around?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: You saw it today. How many-- how many people draw crowds like I did today? Find me more enthusiastic than today? Huh?

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: I mean, have-- I don't think you wanna play the crowd game. Donald Trump can draw big crowds. There's no question about that.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: He can draw a big crowd, but what does he say? Who-- who does he have? I'm the guy supposedly in trouble. We raised $38 million within four days after this. Over-- we have over a million individual contributors, individual contributors. That-- that's less than 200 bucks. We have-- I mean, I'm not seen what you're-- you're proposing.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: You haven't seen the-- the fall-off in the polls? You haven't seen the reports of discontent in the Democratic Party, House Democrats, Senate Democrats?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I've seen it from the press.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: You know, I've heard from dozens of your supporters over the last few days, and a variety of views, I grant you that. But the prevailing sentiment is this. They love you, and they will be forever grateful to you for defeating Donald Trump in 2020.

They think you've done a great job as President, a lot of the successes you outlined. But they are worried about you and the country. And they don't think you can win. They want you to go with grace, and they will cheer you if you do. What do you say to that?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I say the vast majority are not where that-- those folks are. I don't doubt there are some folks there. Have you ever seen a group-- ta-- time when elected officials running for office aren't little worried? Have you ever seen that? I've not. Same thing happened in 2020. "Oh, Biden, I don't know. Man, what's he gonna do? He may bring me down, he may (PH)."

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Mr. President, I've never seen a President 36% approval get reelected.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Well, I don't believe that's my approval rating. That's not what our polls show.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: And if you stay in and Trump is elected and everything you're warning about comes to pass, how will you feel in January?

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I'll feel as long as I gave it my all and I did the good as job as I know I can do, that's what this is about. Look, George. Think of it this way. You've heard me say this before. I think the United States and the world is at an inflection point when the things that happen in the next several years are gonna determine what the next six, seven decades are gonna be like.

And who's gonna be able to hold NATO together like me? Who's gonna be able to be in a position where I'm able to keep the Pacific Basin in a position where we're-- we're at least checkmating China now? Who's gonna-- who's gonna do that? Who has that reach? Who has-- who knows all these pe…? We're gonna have, I guess a good way to judge me, is you're gonna have now the NATO conference here in the United States next week. Come listen. See what they say.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Mr. President, thanks for your time.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Thank you. Appreciate it.

Editor’s note: This transcript has been updated for clarity.

[todayisafridaynight]

i wish mine said some cliche line like ‘if im going to hell im dragging you with me’ and then andre ended up in the mythical land og america that would crack me up

also on the sidelines, same on the research especially with masato ITS KILLING ME I WANT TO KNOW WHAT EXACTLY IS WITH HIM DGSHDVD did u find anything close to being believable?

imagine some dude says 'i'm taking you to hell with me' and you just end up in your backyard

and brother. i am going to throw up from what i found. under the cut lol

the STRONGEST TL;DR IMAGINABLE AND LOUDEST DISCLAIMER IM A DORK ON THE INTERNET WHO KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT MEDICINE DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH FOREVER AND ALWAYS OK BYE .

that said the closest thing i could find MAYBE comparable to his condition both in acquisition and symptoms/effects is pulmonary hypertension, but- from what impulsive on-and-off researching i could find- the exact stats for the survival rates of infants with [primary] pulmonary hypertension in the 80's isn't really clear. there's this study done on- presumably- adults between the 1980's and 1990's in japan, and even here there's 61/223 adults who die at least five years after diagnosis, so idk about a baby in the 80s

as for symptoms and acquisition on why i think it's the closest, pulmonary hypertension can be acquired through lack of oxygen after birth opposed to coming from a virus/bacteria or complications in the womb (like pulmonary hypoplasia which is due to underdeveloped or compressed lungs before birth- though pulmonary hypertension can develop alongside it). severe cold can make it difficult to breathe, and i don't imagine being put in a locker helps that much either. a common symptom of pulmonary hypertension can also be bluish/pale skin and i mean. lol.

again i am by no means a professional LMAO DEAR GOD NO so if anyone else has ideas or want to correct me on something for the love of god please do so im allowed to be stupid bout other things but not this. i know rgg probably had a brain and a half when considering masato's condition but i think it's worth trying to find a real-life equivalent so i'd like to make sure i got things right

and all of this isn't even to START on life after a double lung transplant but this post has gone on long enough 💀💀

[ezekieltobiasfletcher]

Keep It Simple

The worst of my bout with COVID is over. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I noticed the uncomfortable tingle in my throat. Yesterday marks one week since I suffered the worst of it. I am on the mend, but some symptoms still linger. As much as I want them to go away, I need these remaining mild symptoms to linger a little while longer as a reminder. I need to be reminded of the promises I made to my higher power that I would take better care of myself. To sleep when I am tired, and not to use substinances, screens, and people to distract myself from the work and pains of living my life on life's terms. I need to be reminded of how honest I was with myself as I pleaded through prayer to survive this virus. I need to be reminded that I will not find my salvation in thinking about what I need to do. I will only save myself by focusing on my higher power and walking my talk. If I want things to be different, then I need to continue breaking from my old habits and coping mechanisms and act as-if, being different, everyday, one day at a time.

I had very little appetite while I was in the depths of COVID. For a few days, all I could tolerate was Lipton Noodles packets with some added rice. The first day I felt a little better, I knew I needed to consume calories, protein, and fiber to help my decimated digestion system. I decided to keep it simple, and made myself two eggs, scrambled in the pan, and two slices of wheat toast with butter. I also decided to nourish my soul by playing one of my favorite games with my mind. I call it, "look how lucky I am..."

I was raised by an early Boomer mother, born in the latter half of the 1940's. She was raised by parents who grew up during the depression, and she also spent a great deal of time with her maternal grandparents, who together with my maternal grandparents, all survived The Great Depression. The love and hardships that my mom was raised with gave her the ability to always find silver linings and to make do with what she had. I will write more about her someday, but for today, I just want you to know that I am very grateful for her and her simple, everyday values that bring me comfort when I need it most. My mother's spirit is part of the great amalgamation that is my "higher power".

As I was making my breakfast, I put on a YouTube Music playlist called: Depression Era, Golden Age of Radio. I remembered stories I was told about what it was like living through world wars, the 1918 flu, and the Great Depression. While preparing my meal, these memories of stories from my family made me thankful to have a stove, cookware, a toaster, sliced bread, butter, eggs, salt and pepper, and a warm home with indoor hot water plumbing to live in. By my grandparents and great grandparent's standards, I have everything I need to live a good and simple life. By simply having a job and a home in the United States, I am in the top 5% of the world. Look how lucky I am.

As horrible as COVID has been for me, it helped me get to bed earlier, I haven't had any marijuana in two weeks, I've limited my screen time, I removed all the social media apps from the home screen of my phone, I've logged off from work by 5:30pm each day, I'm being more intentional about my meals, and with not getting the munchies from the pot, I'm not snacking all the time like Scooby and Shaggy. And as shitty as being sick was, literal pun intended, I am back to my pre-COVID lockdown weight. So yeah... I'm letting this recent mental bottoming out affect me, and I'm getting out of my own way and drawing even closer to my higher power. Look how lucky I am to be alive and be able to change for the better.

For what it's worth, that meal of eggs, toast, and a small glass of orange juice, it was the most delicious fucking meal I have had in a long time. I never want to forget the depth of gratitude I felt on that morning; ever.

[shrimplymoray]

Creepypasta au post? (without the Self Insert par of them, because I will make a separate post for it lol)

Okay so, apparently there are at least 2 or 3 of you that????? really want to know bout my creepypasta aus???? so I guess this is like, me rambling bout them now lol if you don't mind long rambles, it is all below the cut

I have my main creepypasta "kinda canon compliant?". It is in quotations cuz like, it is a slender mansion au, but I also tried to make the characters as believable of being killers since their teens as I could and just incorporated all my headcanons into it. Imma call it Slender Manor Au. So, basically slender is... a cryptid older than life on Earth or maybe even Earth itself! He is from a species called by humans "operators" (every slender brother I include is one. I don't include the nasty one ofc cuz I hate his guts teehee) And each subspecies of them seems to be capable of living by draining life energy and by consuming some form of emotions from the beings around them. In Slender's case, it's fear and other variations of it. So, no one really knows his intentions, they just know he chooses to appear to the broken and insane to make "deals" with them in return for work. That is how every CRP met him, he appears to them or in some cases, he talked with them through BEN, and made deals with them. The catch, since he is such a malicious creature? he dictates when they did enough work to get their part of the deal. Which... no one alive did yet! So basically he manipulates them. If they break any rules, he also is not afraid of doing any form of torture to get them "in line". He is very strict with his rules, but besides that, he really doesn't care about the pastas, so they fend for themselves by gaining a bit of money Slender steals from his brothers. They just can't kill anyone in the manor, but hurting, bullying, etc. is nothing to Slender. He is evil, like really evil. The manor is in its own little pocket dimension controlled by slender, which can be teleported at will to any woods that are part of his domains, which are the Americas. The Manor has non euclidean properties, like rooms that are in the same place as other rooms, but they don't connect in any way, just like being capable of creating new rooms depending on who Slender makes a deal. Example: When X Virus made his deal with Slenderman, a laboratory appeared in the Manor.

You think I'm done after that? YOU FOOL I HAVE OTHER AUS MUAHAHAHAHA

I have a Cyberpunk AU too! The basics of it are: In the year 10023, humanity lives in a new Pangea, where humanity is scattered across some walled-up metropolises. Due to the rotting process of the Earth, thanks to pollution, supernatural beings had to flee their homes and are trying to invade the metropolises. The government can't let the media find out about this, so what do they do? They make a contract with the mysterious leader of an underground organization who specializes in taking down these supernatural beings, and now the Creepypasta organization works alongside the government as much as they can continue their old methods of killing innocents if needed for their purposes. I am working on a Google doc, which includes: the basic world-building (what I just said but bigger and with more details), a hierarchy, areas of specialization, and a bit about all the characters I include in my CRP universes.

The next AU I have is a Post-Apocalyptic AU. In this AU, due to humans being little bastards that have to mess with every single species they come in contact with (and maybe a bit inspired by Shadow of the Colossus), humanity woke up just a very dangerous and maleficent species that is the fallen angels on earth (aka Slendy and his operator pals). So slowly, in a matter of a decade, maybe, most humans are dead, and the ones that aren't have to scavenge, hunt and kill to survive, some even falling into cannibalism! Fun! Joking aside, in this AU the CRP people are survivors in certain factions, some having been mutated by being in contact with these fallen angels. Also working on a Google doc of it, and it will include a little explanation of each faction, and the characters too. I have changed some of the characters so they can be part of the universe, since it wouldn't make sense to have, for example, Sally as a ghost from a long period of time ago.

The last one I can talk about is pretty self-explanatory, so I may just delve into the character change choices for it too, but it is a Furry AU. It's literally just CRP but the characters are Furries (or more like Anthros but whatever). The characters I have designed are Jeff, Nina, Jane, Slenderman, BEN, EJ, LJ, Toby, Sally, Lost Silver, and Cody (X Virus), though I do have ideas for Jason the Toymaker and Liu. Jeff is a Sphynx cat cuz haha, burned man is the bald cat. Nina is a Spanish Moth, mostly cuz of the colors fit her being a scene queen. Toby is a Racoon cuz... He already looks like a raccoon. Sally is a Cub of a Brown Bear, which is due to Mr Death, her plushie, which btw i turned into a little human plushie. EJ is a vampire bat. Bats are nocturnal and have evolved to know where they are without seeing. also the vampire part is cuz... he eats people. it fits lol. BEN is a Sand Gazelle, cuz they live a long time without water and that is fitting. Jane is generally a black and white moth, i don't have the name of the species yet. Slenderman is a Praying Mantis cuz it looks fucking cool, i don't accept any critique of that, imagine a 10 ft tall praying mantis? so fucking terrifying. Lost Silver is a Black and White Banded California King Snake. I thought it would be funny for the character with no limbs to be a snake, i'm so sorry. Cody is a Deathstalker scorpion, because it stings. and it is venomous. it fits. LJ was a ride to make a choice but i love it, he is a Red Macaw,, because of Rainbow Jack. The red macaw has a lot of color variations in it, and since it follows canon lore for LJ, LJ turned black and white later, so it works. The others i had an idea to were Jason, which would be a peacock, and Liu which would be a Savannah cat to match Jeff, in a certain way. I have more "aus" kinda, but they are Self Insert and Shipping focused, and one of them is my Fanfic au, which ofc i can't talk about due to being spoilers for it, but if you are interested in being "part" of the Slender Manor AU in a special way, follow @curse-you-slenderman , my fanfic blog, and read Curse You, Slender Man! On AO3!

[gazetotheabyss]

    I read the words plain as day on my computer screen some weeks ago. With no context it might seem so entirely monotonous. Like the pop up anyone might see on any given shady ass website they come across while doom scrolling. 

    But I think I'm getting ahead of myself. 

    My name is Geri. I, like most people my age, grew up in this wild age of information. My parents from the generation who slaved away in times of the unknown, blessed by the ignorance of some harsh bouts of misinformation given to them by Aunt Agnes some odd years ago that they just didn't have any sort of measure to dispute. Or, and God forbid, having to go to the library. But us? All of us? It's all at the tips of our fingertips, isn't it? The age of rumor and myth was killed by the dawn of Snopes and Wikipedia, and for the most part that's okay.   

    God, I'm sorry.   

    Okay.   

    I'm not that type of person to go on long diatribes about nothing. At least I wasn't. It's all twisted in my head now. Where to start, where it's going to end. I'm committing to just writing as a train of thought, to make sure I get it all down for posterity. It's all a mess and jumbled in my head, so some things might be out of order, but this is all true. As much as I would have loved to have been making this up.   

    Blah blah blah, it was a normal day. Went to work. Came home. Do you really even care about those details? Reading about the sort of hot pocket me, a broke college student, picked on that monumental night? After finishing up a particularly grueling portion of a paper I was working on for the Lit class I'm taking I had to shut off my brain. You know, decompress? My brain was fried, I was tired, but I just couldn't bring myself to sleep. The thought of working so hard the whole day only to waste what little free time I had with sleeping just sounded so fucking miserable. So, doing what any of us do, I laid there. Practically catatonic under a mountain of blankets, cozy up, listening to whatever YouTube videos I could find to just play in the background, while just scrolling. Post to post, site to site. Not even really reading or processing. Just scrolling, hoping to feel something.   

    I thought I would fall asleep for a minute or two. I clicked some link, shady as it might have been, thinking by some measure it was a joke or something since I'd just been imbibing in some pseudo-deep meme content after a bit. I'm hesitating to type the name of it right now, because I really don't want to curse anyone with this, but just know it was very... I don't know, 90s Geocities. The top of the page read 'Library of Eternity' with some bad clipart of a book. It was all very bad and by all rights writing it off should have been what I did, but that late with so little brain power the curiosity is stronger than the will to click away. Clicked the little book and my screen went black. Fucking virus, right?   

    Honestly that's what I thought. All the furious clicking, slamming my fingers angrily on the keyboard, it really didn't seem to do shit. After about ten minutes of screaming to any higher power who would listen a window popped up.   

    Corny shit, right? I've written off my laptop at this point. Maybe I can cry to mom and dad and beg for them to help me pay off a new one? Maybe Klarna? I just thank anyone who would listen that I didn't have any important information on there, and that two-factor authentication was on for my email. I close the damn thing and toss it off my bed, and that should be the end of it. If I had any sense about me at the time maybe it would have been, maybe if I knew the things I knew now or could go back and stop myself. 

    I browse reddit a couple hours, play some stupid game I saw on a mobile ad because fuck I'm bored, and that's the night. I pass out, wake up with a sore nose and my phone on the floor after passing out while browsing.   

    Then comes the beloved day off. The holiest of days to those of us playing double time as college kids out here in the trenches. I'm pumped, at least once I drag myself out of bed after hours of '5 more minutes'. Now not exactly being a social butterfly, most of the time my days off consist of exactly what you'd expect from someone who goes to school, goes to work, and has most of their friends online. I dick around on my computer, doing exactly what I did the night before. Now my dumbass, completely forgetting most of what had just transpired, gears up to do the exact same thing. Getting all cozy under my blanket fort again, ready to stream some movies, or binge the same show I've watched about a hundred times. But I open my computer and that popup is still fucking there. Mood trashed. Life ruined. Day off totally and completely in the gutter.   

    Nothing better to do. No computer, nothing else on the docket. I really have nothing to lose. At least for foresight purposes. So, boom, I clicked yes. But all it does is open up another pop up.   

    Fucking. 

    Yes? 

    I clicked yes. How much more ready could I be? 

Clicking yes again I'm ready for meat spin, surprise real life gore, or some other sort of stupid jump scare surprise. But no, nothing so fun. Just another goddamned window. 

This 90s ass virus website just called me ignorant. A challenge I could never have backed down from. No one will ever call Geri Monaghan ignorant. I was not about to be challenged by some two-bit website probably programmed before I was born. 

I’m ready. 

At the time that was what I thought. Of course, I did. How the hell would anyone expect-- 

My screen went from black to white. Okay, not expected in the slightest. It started with one sentence, then another, and they just kept lining up one right after another like a typical word document. Eventually when it ran out of room on the screen they started overlapping. I shouldn’t have been able to read or understand any of it with how fast it was happening. I just stared blankly, reading and absorbing every fucking word. Even as my screen went black, blank from all the information overloading it, I was retaining every written word. It was torture. It felt like hours were going by. Days even. Stuck in that fucking trance lost to endless streams of eternal information pouring bit by bit into my brain. 

No one ever tells you how loud silence can be. Staring into the blank void of my screen was like staring into entropy. All sound vacuumed from my room, all life void from my body. But trapped. I was still in there. Stuck frozen with my eyes open, unable to close them or even move as that information became more. Like eternity spread itself open before me, my consciousness was ripped away. I was at the start of it all. 

No. 

Sorry. 

That’s not right. 

It was before the start. The black void. Before life, before time, before existence. A place where things like us shouldn’t be. Like tendrils writhing and slithering, it probed my mind. The worst headache I’ve ever fucking had times a million. Drilling a half inch bit into my skull without me ever going into shock or going numb to the pain. Everything went white again. The page was clear, and I was sitting on my bed again. Laptop open. Screen still black. Not even a minute had gone by. 

Staring into that empty screen. That digital fucking abyss. I still felt like I was floating in that vacant nothingness. Existing before anything. 

I know there’s so many guys out there who pretend to be know-it-alls, or that they have all the answers...  

My head. 

Felt so heavy. Just to exist even now while I’m writing this it feels like I’m trudging through miles and miles of heavy sludge like thoughts to even get to the point. All this stuff sitting in my head. The real stories of how life and history happened. The beginning, the end, the swirling concepts of space and time that mankind has only scantly begun to get a grasp upon. Omniscience? But in a head not meant to keep it. Answers to every question, knowledge of every fact that could be, would be, or had been. 

I took an aspirin and decided to go for a walk. Maybe the fresh air would help. Maybe I just fried my brain last night reading a bunch of random shit after reading hours and hours of random Wikipedia articles or know your meme pages blankly to just fill the gaps.  

For a minute it did. 

Lights felt brighter, sounds felt clearer. I didn’t even put on my glasses today and I could see just fine. Something I didn’t even bother questioning in the moment. Mom always told me to never question good things and I wasn’t about to start now. 

It really wasn’t until later in the day I was hanging around with my only real-life friend at this school. I don’t know, we’ll call him Tom. Tom and I usually do the same shit I do at the apartment. Only sometimes we smoke weed too. Everyone does that with their friends, right? Sit pretending to actually hang out when you’re both independently browsing on your phones while some random shit plays on TV? He asked me some random question. 

I’d tell you I don’t remember it, but I do. I remember every detail as it hit me at that moment. Piercing through whatever fog the day had put to haze over the vast span of eternity all of those eons and eons of information just struck. Being shot in the head wouldn’t have felt all that much different. I answered his question. 

“Bro, do you think there’s life on other planets?” 

“Not within our immediate solar system.” 

Not stated as an opinion, but as a fact. I was on autopilot, like a fucking Alexa or Siri, just blindly answering the question in totality as I knew it. Like knew it. Subjects I’d studied for years and years on end. Tom stopped me about halfway through. 

“Dude what the fuck are you talking about?” 

It was fair. I think at some point I stopped speaking English, and it was more just guttural noises. Some foreign language? Alien. Obviously confused, I replied. 

“You asked me if I thought there was life on other planets dude, I’m just telling you there is.” 

“How can you possibly ‘know’ that?” 

Going off in a trance again pretty much, I told him all about the Library. All the things it showed me. I tried for him to keep it vague. But he kept prodding me. Asking me for more. I couldn’t shut it off. Like the curse of knowing all of this stuff was more than just the knowledge itself but having to share it just as readily. Which sounds great. Like the benefit of knowledge to mankind. 

I told him everything. I looked him dead in the eyes. Answered every petty or grand question that came to his mind. Ones I couldn’t possibly know the answer to or ones that had just been prying their way at his mind. 

He asked. 

Oh god he asked... 

“Can you tell me everything?” 

I told him no. Like I was being pedantic or something. Fucking possessed, not able to stop myself or control my own body I just grabbed hold of him. 

“No, I can’t tell you everything. There’s no time. I can show you though.” 

Both hands on either side of his head, staring into his eyes. 

“Dude don’t be gay.” 

Which was funny as hell coming from the gay dude, but I wish I could laugh. He just went silent. This wasn’t like a movie or anything. There weren’t bright flashing lights, or some orchestral song to demonstrate just what was happening. Just Tom’s face going from bright and lively to sinking. All the color drained from his face. Happiness turned to horror. Tom just started screaming. 

He wouldn’t stop. 

The loudest blood curdling scream I’d ever heard, and it’s haunted me ever since that night. Like all this information was attacking him. He was begging for me to stop but I felt my fingers furling on their own. I was squeezing him, holding him in place. My mission was to make sure he learned everything I had. By the end of it he had screamed himself down to a rasp. An hour or so passed while we were sitting there. When my hands finally let me let go of his head, he just sank. Tom sagged, his whole body wrinkling on the couch for a moment while he breathed ragged. I sat there. Feeling empty. Nothing. Then, all I could do was sit there on his couch and watch him while he calmly and slowly stood up. Take a minute or two to compose himself or process the information and then run at his window and just fucking leap.  

Tom was gone. One of the few things I don’t know is what exactly Tom saw that drove him to do that. Whether it was a specific piece of information, or if it was just his mind trying to process everything. Like burning out a CPU by overworking it. 

Cops came, because of course they did. A man just killed himself, and they come up the stairs, bust down his door, to find me just sitting there. The thousand-yard stare, locked in my body like a puppet while someone else moved me. Question after question came. I answered them all honestly. Their final one broke me out of my daze. 

“Why do you think he did it?” 

I started crying, because it was all my fault. I just told them I didn’t know. It was the only question I could think of where I didn’t actually know the answer. 

That week after that was a blur. I sat in my room doing my best to avoid talking to anyone while the Uni excused me from my classes for a while. Something about it being the last of my worries, but sympathy expires. I know it does. The vast swathes of information that shifts and wriggles through my brain like a virus. Infecting every part of myself that had ever been. I know what I was like before. Who I was. I’m having trouble holding on to whether or not that’s who I still am. The perspective of every single thing I knew has been warped beyond belief and I can’t look at life the same way I did before. 

What was the point? I asked myself aloud. 

And then I knew. 

Why were we here, then? 

And then I knew. 

So, our whole purpose in life, the meaning of everything we’ve ever done-- 

But I already knew. 

Mankind wasn’t meant to. Knowledge is not a gift. So many people spend their entire lives trying to find the meaning behind action. Why are we here? Where do we come from? 

Is there a higher power? 

Questions people live and die trying and failing to answer, I knew in an instant. I knew how Tom’s mom felt getting the call from the school. Every agonizing thought. I knew immediately how Tom felt, overburdened and overwhelmed. 

And I knew how burdensome I’d been to everyone around me. Every single negative weight on my consciousness about what everyone thought about me outweighed any single positive counterweight it had. The disappointment I’d been. When you’re alone in the dark, in the deafening silence of a room black as pitch is when you start whispering the worst questions to yourself. The ones you don’t really wanna know the answers to but muttering them just helps you feel better. 

Looking out across my desk, passed the light of my laptop, now I can still see the darkness of the void. The nothingness that probed my mind and let me see everything I’d ever asked. I claw at my scalp until it bleeds, scream until my voice can’t even carry sound with it. I haven’t eaten anything in days. I know there’s no point. No reason. I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize the hollow shell of a person I’ve become. I just see... how tired I am. I’m so exhausted. Every time I sleep, more and more knowledge just floods into my head. For days I’ve felt like a balloon about to burst. 

Maybe that’s what Tom saw. 

Maybe he saw what would become of me, how it would feel. 

Decided that he didn’t want to become this. 

I looked up last night at my ceiling. Laid out flat on my bed, I asked to forget. If there was some way to unknow all of this. Could I go back to the way things were before? I remember very clearly the pop-up. As if the memory was spitting in my face. 

Ignorance is bliss. 

Humans weren’t meant to know this much. 

The void, the ardent darkness lingering in a time before time. This morning, it called to me. Maybe it always did, but now it spoke and for the first time I understood. I can’t go back, can I? I’m trapped in this loop of suffering, with entropy pulling me apart from the inside. 

There is no God listening. 

No, that’s not true. There is no God answering our prayers. But it’s listening. Amusing itself on our suffering. It has fooled us into thinking there was ever any reason. There was ever good and evil but, in the end, there is only nothing. Nothing like there was before. Tom isn’t living it up in Heaven playing guitar and smoking weed in the afterlife. He’s not in Hell lamenting his sins or paying penance to some arbitrary rules. He’s gone. What I don’t know yet is if it’s the same for everyone, or if it’s my fault. If having this knowledge is what did it?  

This whole thing to say I’m scared. 

Or I was scared. Maybe this has been my way of working up the courage. 

I’m so tired. I can’t sleep anymore. Every time I try, I just wake up more exhausted. I can’t keep doing this anymore. I tried. I tried to forget, I tried to make myself forget. I couldn’t talk to anyone else. I was afraid of what might happen if I did. What if they asked me like he did? It’s what it wants. I know it. 

We weren’t meant to know. What we are meant to know isn’t even a full sentence on a page in a chapter in a single book in the endless library of eternity. We’re lucky to finish a word by the time we die. My head is pounding. It feels like any moment I’m just going to explode.  

I can’t do this. 

I’m sorry mom. I’m sorry everyone. If you read this, and then happen to come across that site? 

Tom was right. 

[advicetothebabyalt]

Dealing With COVID In Japan

The pandemic, as some people like to ignore, is still ongoing. In fact, many students and teachers at my school are catching the virus, and some schools are beginning to implement their COVID guidelines (as heard from my other ALT friends and Japanese teachers at other schools).

If you're from outside of Japan, you might be unsure of what to do if you think you have COVID. Maybe you haven't been to a doctor in Japan yet, so you're unsure of where to go. Maybe you don't know what kind of medicine you need.

As someone who just got COVID for the very first time this past weekend, let me share what the process was like for me.

My first symptom was an extremely mild cough on Friday night after work. I need to note that I almost always have an issue going on with my tonsils or my throat in general, so I was not worried by any means. But, by Saturday afternoon, the body pains and feeling feverish began. It felt similar to my usual bouts of tonsillitis, but something was definitely different.

Turn to Saturday night, I finally check my temperature and I'm sitting at around 37.5C (99.5). Cool.

In this story, there are good news and bad news. The good news is my long-distance partner was actually staying over for the weekend and was able to help me look up doctors clinics the next day. The bad news is almost all of them were closed.

This is going to take me to step 1 of what to do if you think you have COVID in Japan:

The Problems of Doctors Clinics

You need to get a COVID test. My company probably would've been chill enough with a self-test done at home, but if you want to get medicine prescribed to you, you need to get tested at a doctor's office. Once you test positive, you're not leaving your house for 5 days, so you can't go get medicine.

However, Japanese clinics seem to be closed at exactly the time you need them to be open. I'm sure if you live in a bigger area like Nagoya, Tokyo, Osaka, etc, that maybe you can find a place open. And maybe a place with English support.

Honestly, I usually just type in "Clinics (town name)" and see what comes up. I've also been living in my town for a couple of years now, so I'm more familiar with what's around me. If nothing is coming up, your company, or maybe a friend who's proficient in Japanese can help you out.

But, despite my knowledge of my town, I do still live in a more rural area. Which means that all of the clinics in my town were closed until Tuesday (Monday was a holiday). Luckily, there was one singular clinic open about a half an hour drive from my town that would be open until noon. So my partner and I sped down, and got there just in time to get on the waiting list before close.

I'm not going to go over how to do paperwork at a doctor's office, that would be a post all on its own, so maybe someday in the future.

The wait time was about an hour. My fever had gone up to 38.9C (102F), and my partner was feeling fine and fever-free, so we were requested to wait in the car. I deliriously watched Bluey the entire time.

When it was finally my turn, I saw the doctor. They looked down my throat, felt around my lymph nodes, checked my lungs, and, finally, the ever-so-hated nasal swab.

They ran both a flu test and a COVID test on me. I waited in the now-empty waiting room for about 15 minutes where I was called from a nap to get my results that I did, in fact, had COVID. yay me.

Getting Your Medicine

Pharmacies in Japan aren't connected to clinics, much like in America. The doctor will write you a prescription, then you take that to either the pharmacy you like or, if they're closed, the nearest one to the doctor that's open.

I was prescribed two medications:

One for the body pain and coughing

One for the high fever

I thought that I wasn't given enough medication, saying that quarantine lasts for 5 days (not including the day you test positive), and I only got three-days worth. But I've been doing fine now that I've finished the pain and cough medicine, so what do I know.

Both of these came in a pill/tablet form. If you don't do well with pills, like me, you can ask if there's an alternative. This will usually be a powder that doesn't taste very good. I just recommend cutting the tablets small enough to get down with food.

At the very bottom, I have a list of drugstore medications that I recommend you stock up on before you get sick. If you need to build up your cold medicine cabinet, some of those might be things you want to consider.

When you get medicine from a pharmacy for the first time in Japan, you'll be given a medicine book. I'm struggling to find a copyright-friendly picture on the internet, but if you look up "japan prescription record book", something might come up. This is just to keep track of all of your medications that you currently or have previously taken.

Contact Your Company

Once you get that chance to sit down after receiving your positive test and checking out, please make sure you contact your company. Not your school(s). Your company likely has procedures in place for when you're sick. Let them handle it.

If you're with a dispatch company, you probably have a supervisor. If you can handle talking, you can give them a call if it's not too early or late at night. But, I also recommend emailing them with the same information just to make sure it's documented in writing. This way, no one can say that you didn't tell your company that you were sick.

Sick Leave

This is probably the most stressful part that ALTs think of. "Is this going to come out of my paycheck?" - literally me all week.

Before COVID's infection status was dropped to the same level as the flu, my company actually had "special sick leave" that could be used if we were to get COVID. It was paid, and lasted for about 10 days. This was when required quarantine was longer.

But, that's not a thing anymore. I'm lucky in that I had just enough sick days leftover to cover me this week. But, if you're familiar with sick leave policy, you know that ALTs don't get very much to use at their disposal. If, by unfortunate luck, you don't have any leave to take, you might be on unpaid leave.

Take a look at your Employee's Guidelines and other important documents, and reach out to your company if you're confused about anything.

Groceries

You need rest, friend. I was very fortunate that my partner was visiting me. They went to the store and got a bunch of pasta and soups for me to survive on during the week.

If you don't have someone to do that for you, I'm not sure what you can do. You can't go outside. Don't do it.

If you're familiar enough with another ALT, maybe one you met at training or who shares a school with you, contact them. See if they can at least get you some bread and instant noodles. Pay them back when you can.

If you're in a delivery-friendly area, you can get delivery. I don't recommend it very much, just because of the expenses.

I know it's expensive to keep groceries around, especially on an ALT salary. However, keeping some dry foods that last awhile and can be quickly prepared when you're sick will be better for you in the long-run. This is also good practice, as Japan often experiences natural disasters and typhoons that can require people to shelter in place and not be able to venture outside.

That's all for how COVID goes down as an ALT in Japan. Find a clinic, get a test, get your meds, contact your company, quarantine for 5 days. Remember to rest, drink plenty of water, and open up your windows when you can to get some fresh air in.

If you, too, are on the COVID struggle bus, then I wish you a speedy recovery. It's scary, especially when we don't know the long-term effects of COVID yet. Remember to stay masked, wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water, and to avoid unnecessary travels where you can.

If you're interested in some recommendations to build up your medicine cabinet, here are mine below:

Extras I Recommend

COVID has a lot of symptoms similar to the cold or flu. My nose was too stuffed up to breathe for the first three days. I've built up a bit of a collection of cold medications, and I have some things to recommend. Buying these things before you get sick will prevent you from being in a sticky situation where you can't leave your house to buy medicine, but you really need it.

First is this nose spray:

NAZAL Spray by SATO is really good. I've actually had this since February of 2023 and despite using it quite often up to this point, I still have a good amount left.

I can't remember how much it was, but I'm really glad I still have it.

The one I bought has a purple lid because it's apparently lavender-scented. Can't say I ever noticed. The blue color should be unscented, but always check before you buy.

I also recommend:

That's right, friends! We got VapoRub in Japan now! Or, at least it's now available where I live. Rural area.

I do need to warn you that this is pretty expensive. The above 50g container probably cost me around 1,500 yen (more or less). However, a little goes a long way and the jar seems to stay good for about 2 years. It's also nice to use a brand you're familiar with, as you know if it works for you and how it reacts with your skin and body.

Speaking of familiar brands:

If the pain medicine you get from the doctor just isn't really helping, or if you're running a mild fever that doesn't require the big boys, classic Tylenol can help.

Again, I can't remember how much this was. There's 20 pills per case, so keep that in mind.

In terms of throat sprays:

The above images are throat sprays. I've seen the top one on the shelves before but, because I am an absolutely child when it comes to medication, I haven't used it. Instead, I've bought the one on the bottom, which is a strawberry-flavored spray meant for kids.

I just think that if I'm going to be spraying stuff down my sore and inflamed throat that it should at least taste good.

I can't remember the price on the bottom one, however I can't say that either were really all that expensive.

Finally, throat drops:

VICKS isn't the only brand of medicated drops I've seen, but they're definitely the ones I've seen the most.

The drops above I think are a bit mild. I have to take a good three at a time to get any kind of effect. There is a version I feel is more heavy-duty, and is what I've been using this week:

I'll be honest, the "toroochi" version has not stopped my cough either. But, it's definitely made it less donkey-esque and more of a normal-sounding cough. Doesn't taste great, though. 7/10.

[chipistrate]

HEYHEYHEY LISTEN TO ME LISTEN TO ME

WHAT IF GREGORY LEARNING ABOUT WHAT THE TANGLE IS AND HOW HE HAD A HAND IN ALL THE SPIRITS BEING TRAPPED IN THERE IS WHAT HELPS SNAP HIM OUT OF IT

OR ALTERNATIVELY

WHAT IF THE TANGLE HELPS FREE HIM!!!!! CAUSE HE'S INNOCENT IN THIS HE DIDN'T WANT TO KILL ANYONE WHAT IF THEY TRY AND HELP FREE HIM!!!!!!! HE'S JUST A KID LIKE THEM WHAT IF THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HE'S WHO KILLED THEM WHAT IF THEY JUST SEE A KID TRAPPED IN THE VR SYSTEM AND WANT TO HELP SO HE DOESN'T END UP LIKE THEM BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT ANOTHER INNOCENT KID DYING

OR ALTERNATIVELY AGAIN

WHAT IF THE VR GAME/TRAINING SIMULATOR IS LIKE ACTUALLY DEADLY BECAUSE THE TANGLE IS INFECTING THE SIMULATION TO TRY AND KILL GREGORY BECAUSE THEY DO KNOW HE'S THE ONE THE KILLED HIM AND THEY'RE ANGRY ABOUT IT AND SEE THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE HIM OUT AND DON'T REALIZE THAT!!! THIS FUCKING BOY DIDN'T EVEN REALLY DO IT!!!!!

Sorry I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo normal about the virus victims I"m so normal about the Tangle I"m so normal I"m so normal I'm soso normal GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO LEARN MOREA BOUT THEM GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAIT IF THE POSTER IS HINTING AT TANGLE LORE

AND THE TANGLE IS PROBABLY WHERE THEY HID THE BODIES OF THE MISSING PEOPLE

ARE WE,,,,,,

ARE WE FINALLY GOING TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THEM,,,,,,,,,,, AFTER ALL THIS TIME,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I need to stop making the tags longer than the post,,,,,

[abashfulsimmer]

Wassup!!??

Hope everyone is doing well... today I bring you silly poses your dads (or moms) can do with their children!!

I’m taking pose request cause like homegirl don’t gots no creative juices... like their there but the tank is bout emptay...

Anyways, thank you for downloading and I hope you enjoy!!! (stay safe everyone ♥)

________________________________________________________

Download here (Mediafire)

(for those who might not already know, sims file share is down atm so i’ll be using mediafire again until it they are back)

Edit: you will need redheadsims height presets for toddlers and children

pose number one you will need to make two toddlers with the big height and the other with the medium height. 

pose number two you will need to make all the toddlers short height

pose number three you will need to make two of the toddlers small height and the children small height as well. 

I’m bad at naming things soooooo, for future pose packs I make and you would like to name it or have it named after yooouuuu let me know and I will dooooo! Thank you and Happy simming! ♥

If there are any problems or you need help, pls do let me know! I don’t bite unless I needs to…. o(^▽^)o

Place the merged file or the poses you chose and place them into your mods folder. Additional help? Lets meh know ♥

If you use my poses pls tag me, ty! Either using kiyyahdasimlover or gvk ♥

ttfn 👋🏽😊

(got my inspo from pintrest)

[birdnamedenza]

Home Remedy

@sicktember

Prompts: Home Remedy, Tepid Bath, Flu

There's actually a way darker story I have planned with the same characters, but I wanted to introduce William and Alessio in a more lighthearted way. The home remedy prompt just fit perfectly. They have a really sweet relationship and I'm tempted to write another scenario with lots of love and caretaking. Emeto only starts in the third and last part of the story.

TW: Vomiting, Sickness

For someone who had studied infectious diseases and earned his livelihood researching them, William was remarkably bad at being sick. He despised the weakness that came with it. The complete loss of control over his body. The enhanced perception of sounds and light and smells that made the already overwhelming world almost unbearable. The variety of bodily excretions, each one more unpleasant than the last. As much as pathogens fascinated him in theory, he absolutely despised the effects they had on himself.

He had been at work when disaster stroke. Intense pain had hit him over the head, quickly spreading to his shoulders and chest like the worst kind of sore muscles. A series of chills had been running down his spine, even though the AC kept the temperature in the lab at a steady 20 °C. William had tried to ignore it, but his knees were getting weaker by the minute. After about an hour, his throat had felt sore like he‘d been scrubbing it with sandpaper. At this point, it had become impossible to deny the obvious. William knew the tell-tale symptoms of influenza all too well. Of course he had gotten his annual flu shot, but the virus had decided to surprise everyone with a seasonal genetic drift. One of his colleagues had caught it from her kids and apparently had been generous enough to share it.

Now it was the third day William had spent on his couch and he still felt like absolute garbage. His fever hadn’t dropped below 38° C and spiked every evening. A dry cough kept him awake at night and during the day he was so weak that he could barely walk to the toilet. That was the main reason he stayed on the sofa, it was closer to the bathroom. William also didn’t want to disturb his husband’s sleep with his frequent bouts of hacking up his lungs, even though Alessio constantly assured him that he didn’t mind.

The worst thing, however, was the boredom. Hours melted into an eternity when there was nothing to do. Reading or watching TV weren’t options because they soon made him feel like being placed in a head crusher. With his whole body constantly hurting, there was no comfortable position. Eating was a chore, even his favorite meals had become repulsive. Alessio would sit by his side and read stories to him, but just listening was exhausting enough and, more often than not, triggered his headache.

William wanted to crawl out of his own body.

„I made some soup for you, caro“, Alessio announced with a smile. He looked adorable in his cooking apron, his dark brown curls as messy as usual. William suppressed the desperate urge to kiss him. So far Alessio hadn’t developed any symptoms, there was no need to tempt fate. „Chicken soup, like my nonna used to feed me when I was sick.“

The steaming bowl of tomato broth with tender shreds of chicken thighs, ditalini pasta and lots of chopped up vegetables would have made William’s mouth water under different circumstances. Not so much today. The aroma was too intense and his stomach constantly felt like it was filled to the brim, even though he only choked down minuscule portions.

„You are the best“, William smiled, genuinely grateful. Alessio had spend so much time in the kitchen, knowing perfectly well that William would barely consume anything of what he prepared. Somehow, his husband seemed to enjoy taking care of him. More proof that he would be an incredible dad.

„Try it.“ Alessio sat down on his chair right next to the couch, took a spoonful of soup and gently blew on it to cool it down. Then he fed it to William, careful not to spill anything on the light beige sofa.

„It’s good. It really is. I’m just not very hungry.“ Which was an understatement. The rich umami taste overpowered William‘s senses, but he knew he had to force himself to eat. His body was a feeble, shivering mess that could barely support itself. It needed some fuel and a healthy soup seemed just right for the purpose.

„Don’t worry, it will make you feel better.“ Alessio kept on spoon-feeding William, gently wiping his chin with a napkin as some drops escaped his mouth. His kindness was enough to make William try as hard as he could to empty the bowl. He almost succeeded, but then the aversion became too much and a wave of fatigue washed over him. Panting like he had run a marathon, he sank back into the pillows. Which, of course, sent his body into an instant fit of coughing.

When the torturous tickle in his throat finally subsided, William was covered in sweat. Alessio brushed back some ash blond streaks and placed a hand on his forehead.

„Will, you are burning up.“

„Always getting worse in the ev’ning“, William muttered, eyes closed. „I’ll take some paracetamol for the night.“

„I wish I could help you.“ Alessio sat in silence for a minute. When he spoke up again, his tone had shifted from concern to determination. „Your pills haven’t done much for you so far. What we need are some tried and tested home remedies.“

„…as long as they’re somewhat based in science.“

„Trust me“, Alessio reassured him. „These things have been passed down in my family for centuries.“

It was only after Alessio had already rushed out of the living room when William’s feverish brain realized that the glow in his husband’s eyes had been a little too enthusiastic.

-

„Look what I have prepared for you“, Alessio beamed with vigor. William, who leaned heavily on the taller man’s shoulder, ogled the bathtub with tired eyes.

„I already feel lightheaded. I don’t think I can handle a bath right now.“

„Oh no no no, that’s not a regular bath. That’s a tepid bath!“, his husband declared with a proud smile. „Not too hot, not too cold. It will bring your temperature down.“

„I am 98 % percent sure that it has not been medically proven to have a significant effect“, William tried to talk himself out of the situation. His body was still busy deciding if he was sweating or freezing. The thought of immersing himself in lukewarm water instantly made him shiver.

„It has really helped me as a child. Give it a chance, please.“ Alessio looked at his husband with sad puppy dog eyes. They were impossible to resist in peak physical condition, let alone when William was worn out enough to lie down and sleep on the naked bathroom floor.

„Alright. I guess it won’t hurt, either.“

Alessio helped William to step over the rim and safely lowered him into the water. An immediate shudder ran through his entire body, causing him to cough harshly. He winced as the rough hacks burned his raw throat.

„Easy there, caro, try to relax.“ After William had returned to steady breaths, Alessio grabbed a sponge and started to gently wipe his skin. It was a relieve to get rid of the sticky cold sweat, made him feel more like a human being again. Maybe it would even loosen up his sore muscles. William focused on inhaling deep enough to calm down without triggering another bout of coughing.

For about five minutes, everything went well. Then, all of a sudden, the sensation shifted in a rather drastic manner. William began to quiver, then tremble. Goosebumps formed all over his pale skin. His outside was freezing while his insides were rapidly heating up.

„I don’t feel right“, he moaned, then clenched his jaws to prevent his teeth from chattering.

„That doesn’t look right either.“ Alessio scratched his head. „Let’s get you out of this.“

His strong arms wrapped around William’s body. Alessio had to lift him up because he was shaking so hard that he failed to get back on his feet. After placing his husband on the bath rug, Alessio wrapped him in a big, fluffy towel and gently dried him off.

„I’m so sorry, cuore.“ He looked as guilty as a dog that had been caught eating the birthday cake.

„No, it… it’s fine… probably something about vasoconstruction and metabolic heat production and the central thermoragulation set point…“

„Don’t rack your brain, you’re not at work.“ Alessio helped William to stand up. He was still awfully weak and completely exhausted, but at least he managed to walk back to the living room with his husband’s assistance. Alessio parked William on their most comfortable armchair while he changed the bedding on the sofa. It was probably still clammy from his earlier outbreak of sweating. When everything was as good as new, Alessio lead William to the couch and tucked him in.

„Can you… bring me my meds for the night?“, William rasped.

„No. Something much better.“ Without warning, the unsettling smile was back. „My mom’s miracle cure.“

„Al… please.“ William grabbed his husband’s hand. „You do everything to take care of me and I know that all you want is to make me get better, but… I’d rather stick to regular medicine right now. Tried and tested, remember? So… could you please just give me my paracetamol?“

„Don’t worry“, Alessio assured and placed a kiss on his forehead, „it contains paracetamol.“

Before William could dig any deeper, Alessio was rushing towards the kitchen.

-

When Alessio returned with a mug in his hand and a grin on his face, William instantly had a bad feeling about it. The smell would have been unpleasant in his hungriest moments. With his current food aversion, the cup’s contents seemed like a liquid torture device.

„Listen, love.. I… I really don’t think I can stomach that.“

„It doesn’t taste as bad as it smells“, Alessio tried to appease him. „This is everything your body needs, and it’s not a lot. You managed to get down way more of the soup earlier.“

„I don’t think you can compare this to your soup.“ William instinctively backed off as much the couch and his mountain of pillows allowed.

„It’s medicine, it’s not supposed to taste good“, his husband insisted. „I know the bath didn’t turn out so well, but this is different. Believe me, when I was a child…“

„…it cured you from any disease known to mankind, I know.“ William let out a shallow sigh, trying not to irritate his throat. The thought of downing whatever concoction Alessio had prepared only added to the queasiness in his stomach. But then again, he was tired of being confined to the couch, marinating in his own sweat. Maybe this was the time to be a little more open minded. It was not like he had an awful lot to lose. „Fine. I give in. Hand over the panacea.“

„You’ll see, it will make you feel better in no time.“ Alessio gave him the mug. He had been right, it was only half full. Not an awful lot to swallow, even with an upset digestion. Bracing himself for the worst, William put the cup to his lips and quickly downed the smoothie-like brewage.

For a few merciful moments, William’s tastebuds were so overwhelmed by the amalgamation of pungent flavors that they simply refused to send signals to his brain. Then everything hit him all at once. All taste qualities known to mankind had been blended together and then amped up to eleven. It was intensely bitter, but also overpoweringly sweet with a strong note of garlic, a more than subtle spiciness and a tangy aftertaste. It was the grossest thing William had ever tasted in his entire life.

„Oh my…“ Before he knew it, his stomach was churning, trying to repel what could only be poison. William’s hand flew up to his mouth as he felt the thick mash crawling back up his throat. He frantically swallowed it down, but it didn’t want to go the whole way. Panicking, he muttered against his fingers. „Al, I… I need to be sick.“

„What? Oh. Oh no.“ Alessio was on his feet in a split second. „Hold it in, I’ll get you a bucket!“

He hurried to the trash bin in the corner and dumped the crumpled paper, candy wrappers and empty chips bags on the carpet. William desperately clutched his mouth while his stomach relentlessly pumped up more of its content. Vomit flooded against his palm, leaking through his fingers in small trickles that smelled and tasted even more rancid than the stuff he had forced down.

His resistance was broken. Brownish liquid sprayed out between his fingers in all directions, hitting his blanket, his shirt, the couch and even the floor. The disgusting brew looked pretty much the same as it had entered his body – not a surprise, considering the brevity of its stay. The main difference was the added flavor of gastric juice. William curled in on himself, wailing as the strain of throwing up sent his headache into overdrive. His stomach lurched and expelled a gush of semi-digested soup. While he was still blowing chunks of shredded chicken, carrots and celery, all mixed in with a reddish broth, Alessio pulled him over the bin. The last wave of gut stew splattered safely into the container, sloshing around at its bottom.

„Poor Will, I’m so sorry.“ Alessio sounded like he was on the verge of tears. „I really thought it would help you.“

„I… I know“, William coughed. As if the pain in his throad hadn’t been bad enough before, it was now treated to gastric acid and a forceful torrent of puke. He felt complete drained, his head radiating heat. With a meager retch, he collapsed to the side. Alessio barely managed to catch him while also preventing the bucket from falling over. „Sorry… I ruined the couch.“

„Don’t worry about the mess, I’ll clean it up later. Do you think you got it all out?“

„m‘ not sure“, William slurred. „What… did you put in this abomination?“

„Everything that helps against the flu“, Alessio explained. He pulled back the blanket that had caught the most amount of vomit and placed the bucket on William’s lap. Carefully, he propped up his husband‘s body with one arm around the waist and the other hand at his forehead. „Garlic, ginger, onion juice, mustard, honey, lemon and two crushed up paracetamol.“

„You… you’re not supposed to take them all at once!“ William’s gag reflex was instantly triggered again. Too weak to hold himself up, he sank into Alessio’s grip and released his stomach contents into the trash bin. Two more surges of lumpy gruel filled the container before the violent purging finally tapered into bile and eventually coughing. William could barely catch a breath while he was alternately barking and retching. After what seemed like an eternity, he spat out whatever regurgitated food chunks were left in his mouth and gasped for air.

„I don’t even know what to say.“ Alessio wiped William’s face with a handkerchief from the box he had placed on the couch table, just in case a runny nose would join the flu team. „I didn’t want to make you sick. Mom swore that the stuff would kickstart your body’s detox process.“

„Detox isn’t even a thing“, William cried. „Why do you think our bodies have kidneys and a liver and… eugh.“

He gagged as a whiff of odeur de puke hit his nose. Alessio gently rubbed his back.

„I swear I’ll make up for it. No more experiments. Just plain old paracetamol.“

„Give my stomach a minute to settle“, William pleaded. „I’ve thrown up more than enough for one day.“

„I won’t argue with that“, Alessio smiled crookedly. „Something’s telling me you’ll be sleeping with me in bed today.“

Trying not to make an even bigger mess by spilling the sick from the blanket, Alessio helped William get up from the soiled couch. He placed him in a chair while he took off his shirt and cleaned up the splatters he had spewed on himself. When Alessio was done, he carefully guided a shuddering William to their marriage bed.

„Take one of my shirts.“ Alessio assisted his husband with the dressing process. „It will make you sleep better.“

„That’s a home remedy I have confidence in“, William agreed, then hesitated. „But… what if I have to vomit again?“

„Nevermind. Your recovery is more important than a clean shirt.“ Alessio took the chance to ruffle William’s hair before the blonde sank into the pillows. Any strength had been drained from his body, along with his last meal. He struggled to keep his eyes open.

„Luvya“, William mumbled.

„I love you too.“

A soft kiss on his forehead was the last thing William felt before he drifted into the comforting embrace of sleep.

[warrior-angel]

Till Death Do us Apart

Author: @warrior-angel

Word Count: 6155

Summary: when you and your brother both get infected by the flare you go down an emotional rollercoaster only for it to end totally diffrent than you had originaly planned it al to go.

Warnings: major character death, blood, angst,

Note: this was realy hard to write for me but i'm very proud of it so i hope you guys like it

This is a one shot writen for Tomuary by @writingsbychlo

you knew you were a walking time bomb and that you probably didn't have long anymore every day could be your last you just hoped you would make it long enough to see your friend being saved.

The flare, a stuppid virus that made you go completely insane, you've kept your sanity in all those years in the Maze and now that you were finally free you wouldn't live to see the beauty of it. Here you were leaning on the table listing to Thomas and Gally picking a fight over what to do next you had to save Minho from WICKED but every idea was turned down it being to risky and now that there was a real option to extualy get the job done Thomas was refusing to do it and you were just trying to keep your mind from not completely losing it over this endless ‘i don't trust you even though it could save our lives thing’ you loved Thomas that's the hole reason you were together but sometimes he could be so stubborn and right now, right now he was being a pain in the ass because the plan Gally had to save Minho included Teresa “No there's gotta be another way” Thomas kept saying while everybody disagreed knowing we didn't have much choice or resources to do anything else “like what? you’ve seen the building she’s our only way in'' Gally tells him again but he still doesn't listen. “If we do get in you think she’s going to help us?” Thomas ask him and Gally shakes his head “I don't Plan on asking for her permission” i crack a little smile knowing nobody at the table really liked teresa in the first place and Brenda only conformers that when she's speaking up “Am i missing something here this is the same girl that betrayed us correct? same Dick”

Thomas starts to nervously pace around and nobody understands his problem. You loved Teresa like a sister but after her betrayal a lot changed even for you “what's going on?” Brenda asks him and you look over at Newt you knew your brother and you knew that look on his face because you've had it yourself and you've seen it on him before he was angry and he was going to lose it any second now “your afraid your little girlfriend is going to get hurt?” Newt snaps and all eyes go to him “this has obviously never been just about rescuing Minho is it''

Thomas looks taking back by his sudden outburst and so does everybody else but i couldn't disagree “he’s got a point Tommy” you tell him and the brown haired boy looks up at you even more shocked that your agreeing with Newt “what are you talking about” but before you can do or say anything Newt stands up straight in front of him “Teresa, she's the only reason Minho is even missing in the first place and now we finally have an opportunity to get him back and what you don’t want to because of her? because deep down inside you care more about her than for y/n don't you, just admit it”

Thomas turns his gaze over to you over Newt his shoulder and you know Your brother hit an emotional string there. from day one you were Teresa her competition and you knew how thomas felt about her but he chose you over her and that meant the world to you but this part of you that was Sick and infected was telling you that the minute you would be gone he would run to Teresa “Newt i” Thomas starts but All Newt does is move closer pushing Thomas against the wall “Don’t lie to me!”

“Newt calm down!” You yell getting closer but your brother doesn't move “Don’t lie to me” he tells Thomas again “Newt Get the off of him!” You say using every ounce of strength to pull him away from Thomas. As soon as he backs away he looks a bit shocked at his own actions looking between you and your friends mumbling a quick apology before turning towards Thomas and apologizing again. the minute he steps to the side wanting to walk away, wanting to leave the room you notice him grabbing onto his arm and you immediately fear the worst cause you've had the same outbursts and the same burning sensation in your arm right after you had an outburst like that. “y/n, i'' Thomas says towards you and you shake your head not wanting to talk about it “it’s fine, he just need to cool down”

“That's not what i mean” and you nod “i know”

you stand on your toe’s giving him a quick kiss on his cheek and giving him a reassuring smile “i’ll go check on Newt i’m probably the only one he’ll talk to you guys find a way to get Minho back”

Opening the door to the roof you can see Newt sitting on the edge of the building and you take a few steps closer trying to calm yourself down already knowing the truth about what just happened what had caused his outburst but still a part of you hoped it was just the tension and the time spend so close togheter that caused it instead of a stupid virus. Looking over his shoulder newt spots you standing behind him and you take a few steps closer “sorry bout that back there” he tells you but you don't say anything you just sit down beside him and look at his arm and seeing the twitching in his fingers and it looks all too familiar to you “Why didn't you tell me?” you ask him and he looks over at you but you just look at his arm and he Rolls up his sleeve Revealing multiple black and purple veins on his lower arm “you could’ve told me” you tell him but you knew your brother, you were the same you didnt wanna spend your last few weeks or even days saying goodbye to the people you loved

“I didn't think it would make any difference” he was right knowing it didn't change a thing it only made saying goodbye so much harder because you didn't know when you had to do it “All i know is that WICKED must off put us in that Maze for a reason, maybe it was literally just so they could tell the difference between the immunes like you and people like me” that only made it hurt more because he didn't know, he didn't know you were not Immune “people like us” you tell him and he looks confused. taking a deep breath you lift your leg up a little and move away to Fabric covering your ankle to show Newt the bite mark and torn skin that was covered in black and purple veins “it was that Crank that Fry shot when we were in the tunnel right before Brenda and Jorge saved us, his aim was good only a little bit to late” you explain

it stays silent between the two of you for a minute letting it sink it that you were going to lose each other to lose everybody you loved “Thomas?” He asks and you shake your head “he doesn't know, and he cant i'm not spending my last days saying goodby to him he needs to focus on Saving Minho”

“So what's your plan? You just wanna run off, leave us all behind and die on your own?” Newt asks in a harsh tone “No, i’m sticking to the plan and that's saving Minho”

“What you gonna do after that” and you swallow the lump in your throat “There won't be an after cause i’m not planning on surviving it and that's exactly why he doesn't know”

“who doesn't know?” a familiar voice says behind the two of you you both look back to see The brown haired boy and you turn your gaze to Newt pleading for him to stay quiet and he nods looking back to this arm “i guess i can't hide this anymore'' he tells Thomas rolling his sleeve up again “Newt we can still fix this” thomas tells him and you look between both boys being trapped in the triangle of losing not only yourself but also your brother and the boy you love

That night you all decide to go through with the plan, get Teresa, make her take out the chips in your necks and break into WICKED to get out Minho and that's exactly how things went. having Teresa back was weird to say the least nobody trusted her but right now she was sitting behind you with a small knife against your neck to cut out the chip you didn't really have a choice “try to relax this is going to sting” she tells you and shrug it off wanting to get it over with “just do it”

a sharp pinch follows within a few second you grab the chair tightly out of reflex and you put your feet flat on the Floor trying not to move but moving your leg past the Chair the zipper on your Jeans opens showing her the black veins beneath it “your leg” she says and you pull back leaning down the close the zipper and pull the fabric over your ankle down “What happened?” She asks but you ignore her completely

“are you done” you tell her harshly looking straight up at her “you two okay?” Thomas asks from across the room and you nod “yeah, where fine” you tell him grabbing a small piece of gauze and holding it to your neck “does he-” but you cut her off talking a little softer making sure nobody hears “No, he doesn't and he won't cause your going to keep your mouth shut and not talk to anybody about it you ruined enough as it is”

“if you come back to the lab with me i could help you give you a-”

“just drop it alright!” you yell getting everybody's attention “Whats going on here?” Gally asks and you shake your head “Nothing, there's absolutely nothing” you tell him walking of Looking over at your brother And then to the brown haired boy that is already on his feet and coming towards you and taking you away from Teresa and away from the others for a second “hey, whats going on with you?” he asks and you shake your head “i’m just one edge i just really want this to work” and the boy nods understanding and giving a quick peck on your lips cupping your cheeks “well get Minho back and we'll all be safe i promise” you look over at your brother on the other side of the Room and Thomas seems to understand “We’ll save Newt well get the cure and he’ll be fine”

“Promise me that after saving Minho you’ll try to save Newt no matter what” and he nods “where is this coming from?” He asks but you just look at him “Promise me Thomas”

“I Will, i promise i Will try to save Newt no matter what” you give Him a weak smile knowing that your brother might survive this all and that made you feel good you where going to save your friends, your family even though you know there was only enough to save one of you two and you knew it wasn't going to be you “You know i love you right?” He tells him and he leans down a little kissing you with more passion than before “i love you too, until Death do us apart” it was a small thing you two said in the glade and in the scorch when something happened but right now it only made you sad cause the small Joke that first meant you loved on another and would stick together would soon turn into reality and probably Faster than he hoped.

The plan worked, you got into WICKED, you saved Minho and you got out of the building with only minor issues but the adrenaline and the fast work took its toll on Newt, His body was shutting down and it was getting harder for yourself to keep things hidden from Thomas or anybody else for that matter.“They were supposed to blow up WICKED not the whole damn city!” Gally says as the walls explode and cars full of angry people coming rushing into the city. pushing us to the side we all sit down against a wall in an alley trying to get away from the explosions and Thomas crawls to the side and you pull his arm “where are you going” you ask him but he is quickly sitting back next to you as he sees WICKED’s cars rushing in “shit”

“what are they waiting for?” Minho asks “Like i have a clue” you answer and like it was planned a loud explosion goes off again and gunfire starts to blast out on the street “we gotta go!” Gally calls out and we sneak into an old dinner to stay sheltered from it all. Sitting in the back of the restaurant you sit against Thomas his chest and his hand goes around your waist as both of you breath heavily for the first time sitting still and letting everything that happened sink in looking between the gunfire outside and Gally,Newt and Minho you know things aren't looking very good for the five of you. Thomas loosens the hand on your waist and grabs the walkie from his pocket “brenda, are you there” and almost immediately she answers “Thomas, i’m here” you grab the walkie from his hands looking around seeing your brother getting worse the fire and fight going on outside and Thomas behind you before answering her “Bren, there's too much going on and i don't think we're going to make it”

“y/n? what are you talking about” she says clearly holding back tears making it harder for yourself to hold it back and you hand to Walkie back to Thomas while swallowing the lump in your throat “you should take the others and get everybody out while you still can” and i doesn't take long for Brenda her protest to come through

“No” and tears roll down your cheeks knowing how hard it is for them so putting your hand over Thomas you hold down the buttons “brenda, you need to go” you tell her hoping she will listen to you “i’m not leaving you two okay so forget it”

“Even though you should,” Thomas tells her and it stays silent for a while you sit up a little with a few tears in your eyes and you grab onto Thomas's hand tighter than before. part of you hoped it was going to be over cause it meant you never had to tell him the truth but the other part wanted him to survive and live his life at the fullest “we started this together might as well end it that way” you tell him and he smiles “you sound like your brother” and you laugh a little looking over at him “till death do us apart right” Thomas Jokes and you nod turning our head far enough to kiss him

“Thomas! y/n! don't worry i’m coming for you” and both Thomas and you look at each other and you act quick taking the walkie out of his hands “what are you talking about?”

“our rides here, look for us near the tunnels”

After walking out of the building Gally takes the lead cause he knew the place the best and he led you all towards the tunnels. At the end of the street a loud blow is heard and a car blows up in front of you all making you fall over and you're once again stuck hiding behind a wall “were almost here” Gally says staking low trying to look for a way through the fight without much trouble but a bright flash of light above you all making you look up seeing the berg flying overhead heading towards the tunnels “There here” you say in a whisper looking at Thomas having hope for your brother once again knowing Brenda had the cure to save him

“go without me, just go” Newt spills and you all look at him, veins starting to crawl up his neck and towards his face and black blood coming from his mouth

and you knew he wasn't going to last long anymore “Minho, you gotta run ahead grab the serum and get back as soon as you can” you tell him and he looks at you not agreeing with it but Thomas nods “Minho, go”

“there right, i’ll cover” Gally tells him and i nod once silently thinking him

“y/n, bring one for y/n” Newt says and you shut him up “what is he talking about?” Thomas asks and you shake your head “Nothing I'm fine it’s just the infection getting to his head” you tell him turning to Minho “You need to go Now!

“just hang on, you hear me,” Minho tells Newt and with those words he runs off getting the serum to save your brother. Newt his head turns to the side and you can see he's fading away but you grab onto him shaking him trying to get him to focus on you and trying to stay awake “Newt! stay with me do you hear me, i need you to stay focused”

“We've gotta get you up” Thomas says, grabbing onto Newt his arm but he protests reaching for his necklace and ripping it from his neck “come on Newt we've gotta go!” Thomas tells him again and tears run down your eyes as Newt holds out the necklace towards Thomas you knew it was the letter he wrote, you were there with him

“Newt, your gonna make it”. I tell him but he keeps his hand out for Thomas

“Just take it!” he yells breathing heavily and Thomas takes the necklace from him holding his hand tight “please, Tommy please” as the words pass by his lips your body starts shutting down and you start coughing letting your body drop next to Newts “y/n!” Thomas yells and you nod “i’m okay, it's just smoke” you lie and you look towards Newt and you can see in his eyes that he knows you're not far behind him “tell him, you need to tell him” Newt says and you shake your head “you need to keep your mouth shut, the plan is going the way it should” you tell him before turning to look at Thomas “tell me what?” Thomas asks and you shake your head holding onto your sanity and pushing yourself up again “The plan about saving Minho it's working now we've gotta save Newt your helping or not?”

“She’s Sick” Newt spits and Thomas looks at you “i’m fine just tired” And Thomas nods he knew you hadn't been sleeping much being concerned about newt but the truth was you didnt wanna risk him seeing the Infection in your leg you had enough time to sleep when this was over. “We need to get out of here” you tell him and Thomas nods, helping you lift up Newt and Making your way closer to the tunnels.

after a few blocks of walking your knees give up on you and you drop to the ground Newts body collapsing onto Thomas and dropping to the ground before you “Y/n?” Thomas ask and you look up at him “I’m Sorry Thomas” you tell him knowing your plan was not working you weren't going to make it and your idea to walk away the minute your brother was save wasn't going to work, if you were shutting down this fast then Newt was even worse knowing that the body in front of you wasn't your Brother anymore but the Infection that caught up with him and took over his brain.

suddenly the street goes quiet and Teresa her voice comes through “thomas? can you hear me, i need you to listen to me i know you have no reason to trust me but i need you to come back, Thomas you can save Newt you can save y/n, there's still time for the Both them” you start coughing and looking at your hand you see black blood and you lift your head up al little to look at thomas you give him a silent apologie again but he just looks at the blood on your lips “there’s a reason brenda isn't sick anymore, it's your blood do you understand she isn't sick cause you cured her she doesn't have to be the only one. the only thing you have to do is come back and all of this will finally be over, please just come back to me” he looks at you and with tears in your eyes you nod “you need to go ” you tell him and he shakes his head ignoring it only wanting answers “why didn't you tell me?” He asks and you swallow the lump in your throat this was the exact reason you didn't tell him

“i couldn't, i didnt wanna say goodbye not to you”

“There's still time Minho is getting the serum” and you shake your head “That’s not the plan’ you tell him throwing it all out “Newt was supposed to make it and i was going to stay behind, going down saving you guys”. You tell him and he has tears in his eyes “You were just going get yourself killed? After everything we’ve been through”

“It’s better than letting this Stuppid Virus control me, i’m not becoming a Crank Thomas, i love you i do but i would much rather get shot out here than survive only to risk hurting the others or you” but he shakes his head not accepting it you betrayed his trust which made you no better than WICKED the only difference was that your intentions were truly only to save the people you loved “we’ll get the serum and everything Will be fine” he tells you but before you can say anything or protest a loud scream comes from behind you and you turn your head to see Newt showing getting up onto his feet, surprised he’s still there “Newt?” you both ask insinc and he slowly turns revealing him fully cranked out eyes gone black and he lashes out towards Thomas attacking him. Thomas steps aside letting Newt drop to his knees and he seems to have a second of his humanity coming through “Tommy! kill me!” he yells, turning to look at Thomas but your own mind keeps getting hazly wanting to shut down so you only see fragments of the fight in front of you. the minute you look backup holding onto your sanity you see Newt holding a knife close to thomas his chest and your own rage takes over pushing yourself onto your feet and pushing your brother off of your boyfriend and holding him down “Newt, this isn't you! Get a hold on your sanity” you try hoping he has any left but he doesn't do anything but trying to get you off and to your side you see a Gun and you use your left foot to kick against it and it slides towards Thomas and he looks between the weapon and you holding down Newt “shoot! the bullet will kill us both” you tell him in a clear moment and she shakes his head

“Thomas, it's your own life, or ours!” you yell at him but Newt gets the upper hand throwing you off him and going for the knife again heading back towards Thomas and you make a decision, with tears in your eyes and the last bit sanity you crawl towards the gun and clock it standing on your feet and aiming the gun towards your brother “Newt!” you yell and he turns his attention towards you and in that small moment you see his eyes the ones you grew up with and the ones of the big brother you love so much and he nods telling you it's okay and with that you pull the trigger the bullet going into his chest and his body dropping to the ground. you look over at thomas and he sits there next to Newts body tears covering his cheeks and your own rolling down your face knowing you just killed the one person that you promise yourself you would save “i'm sorry thomas'' you tell him lifting up the gun an you close your eyes placing your Finger on the trigger but before you can pull it Thomas slams it out of your hands “No! I’m not losing both of you” you look him in his eyes and he has a pleading look “Minho is on his way just hold on okay” he tells you through sobs and you shake your head “i'm not going to make it till then i’m tired of fighting Thomas, i just want it to stop, make it stop” you tell him trying to hold onto your sanity, you reach in your pocket and take out the small necklace and you hand it to him. “Newt’s not to only one that wrote you a letter” and he grabs it holding onto your hand “i love you” you tell him and he smiles a little through the tears “i love you too” with your own tears you take a step back and let go of his hand “if that's true and you really love me, then you'll let me do this then you let me go” he looks shocked and shakes his head protesting but you dont listen to his words “you’re going to be okay” he tries to tell you but you give him a hard enough push to make him trip and you grab the gun up from the ground and drop to your knees next to Newt his body “i’ll see you soon” you tell him before before turning to look at Thomas one last time as he gets back onto his feet but your already lifting up the gun to your head “i’ll say hi to chuck for you”

“don’t do it Please y/n!” he asks through sobs “till death do us apart”

“Wait!” Looking to the side Brenda runs forwards with the small blue file in her hand and she looks to Newt on the ground and to you holding the gun to your head but it all gave Thomas enough time to run towards you getting a Grip on the gun“Thomas! I’m gonna kill you!” You yell at him letting the last of your humanity slip away and fighting the one person you thought you never wanted to hurt “Brenda!” Thomas yells and before you know it everything in front of your eyes turns black

WICKED had taken everything from him, they made it to the safe haven but it didn't seem to matter to him. Vince's speech was what hurt most , it reminded everybody of what they lost but it also reminded them that the people they cared about sacrificed their own lives to save them. “We've come a long way together, so many have sacrificed to make this place possible. your friends, your family. so here's to the ones that couldn't be here, here's to the friends we've lost, this place is for you it's for all of us” he turns his body to point at one of the large rocks in the middle of the place “this, this is for them, so in your one time in your own way, come make your peace, and welcome to the safe haven”

The night was spent talking about memories of the lost once and the plans for the future, the plans of what was coming next and what to do with their lives Now That they were free to do what they wanted but Thomas kept away from it sitting to the side. Minho said down next to him giving him a small smile and looking over the place “this is going to be a good home for us, they would of loved it” he tells him while reaching in the pocket of his jacket and pulling out the two necklaces and hands them back to thomas “you had this one you when you passed out, figured i'd keep them safe for you” an Thomas takes Boh of he necklaces from the boy hesitantly “thanks minho'' padding his shoulder he smiles before walking away leaving Thomas alone to read the letter from Newt, followed by the one you gave him.

Dear Thomas

it’s been one hell of a ride, i know i always complained about being trapped by WICKED so this might be weird coming from me but i miss the glade, i miss waking up to frypans crappy breakfasts or watching the sunset right before the doors closed, it all seems like so long ago doesn't it we were so innocent back then. But now here we are, we lost a lot of Friends in the fight to get you all to the safe haven so you guys better make the most of it or I'm coming to haunt you all.

i want you to know that i never kept this all from you cause i didn't love you, god i loved you even more after i found out it wasn't going to last but i couldn't bring myself to tell you i know that it's probably selfish but i didn't want to spend our last few weeks maybe even days saying goodbye like everyone did with Newt, i wish i could be with you forever but i guess we weren't meant to be. Our time together was exactly like paradise but i wouldn't wanna change, i remember when you can up in that box back in the Glade everybody though you were one hell of a trouble maker and to be honest you really were, breaking the rules running into the maze but i loved every second of it, it didn't matter to me how many times you broke the rules or what stuppid or risky idea you had i would off followed it all, i did follow it i followed you, through the Maze, through the scorch and now through the last City saving Minho and getting Newt to safety. That was my plan and i know you’ll hate it but it was simple get you all save and leave myself behind to die out in the field so nobody has to know what was really happening to me it Will be easier that way. i’m not afraid of dying, i’m afraid of

Losing myself to this stuppid virus that turned me into a walking time bomb. I want you to know I don't want to let you all go but I have no other choice cause waiting for this serum isn't an option for me and even if we get there in time it would only push back the inevitable. I want you to be happy. I want you to live your life to the fullest and make me proud and take care of the other keep Minho out of trouble and make sure gally doesnt start a fight with some shank in the safe haven. i hope that in a few years from now you’ll smile and say that it was worth it cause it has been worth it to me. Now pick yourself up and finish what you started and lead the people that are there with you like I know you can. I know you’ll do what's right you always have. take care and remember that i’ll love you

thank you for being my best friend and my first love

goodbye tommy

y/n

Opening your eyes you sit straight up feeling a burning pain in your ankle and lifting the fabric you see the Veins disappeared and the bite mark was almost completely healed. Panic rushes through your body not knowing where you are and looking around you only see wooden furniture and bottles of medicine on a table to the side, throwing your feet over the edge you stand up finding your balance and walking past the curtain that closed of the little shed you were in and you look out over the ocean turning to the side you see an entire village that reminds you of the glade, making you think that heaven wasn't as bad as you though it was going to be walking forwards into the place you pass by field that are growing food, people building shelter with wood and right in front of you the dark haired Runner comes walking closer and you look over at him surprised “Minho?” You ask him hesitant and he smiles up you only to see Gally, Frypan and Brenda walking closer to you beside him “hey there Greenie, you look better” Gally tells you and you stand there shocked and there eyes go to something behind and turning around your faces with the brown haired boy you love and he looks a bit sad but there this little light of Hope in his eyes as he steps closer grabbing onto you an hugging you tight.

“I-i’m alive'' you ask hesitantly while you sit on the side with Thomas and he nods “how long have I been out?” You ask him “A week the serum took its time but you made it through” he tells you and guilt hits you immediately, your plan your brother was the one that should have been sitting there not you, your brother, you killed your brother you shot Newt,you almost shot yourself. Panic washes over you and Thomas seems to notice and he grabs your hand pulling you out of it “hey, you made it” he tells you again and tears roll down your cheeks “i wasn't supposed to”

“yeah, i know i read your letter” and you look up at him “Thomas”

“I did as you told me to, i picked myself up and i’m gonna keep going forwards, were gonna keep going forward together”

“After everything if done, you still want me?” And the boy nods lifting his hand an cupping your cheeks “i hate the plan you made to just go of and die on your own and i’m going to be angry about it for a while but right now your still alive and i’m not planning on letting you go anytime soon so you're stuck with me”

“Newt..” you say in a whisper “Newt would want you to live a happy live and not think about what happened because you can't change it” you know he’s right but it was going to take time to mourn the loss of your brother this wasn't the plan you made instead of silently slipping away after you saved your friends and your brother you are the one that got saved “you were infected you didn't think straight” he tells you

“I knew what was doing when i pulled the trigger, i knew in that moment i was shooting My own brother, the look in his eyes told me it was him in that last minute it told me it was okay” you tell him holding down the Tear's that threaten to slip again

“but i also know your right he wouldn't want me to give up so i wont, i Will wait for you to forgive me cause i wanna be with you cause your all if got left” you tell Thomas and he smiles reaching in his pocket and pulling something out of it and he hands it to you, taking it from him it reveals a little ring and you look up at him “after we got here and i saw you past out i started making it, i knew when i saw you laying right there that i never wanted to see you like that again that i wanted to be with you forever, so if you really mean that you wanna be with me than you'll say yes” you look at him shocked not knowing what to do or what to say “say yes to being with me forever, say yes to being my best friend, to being my girl, to being my wife, marry me Y/n” you nod not having the words to say it outloud and Thomas smiles sliping the ring on your Finger and holding onto your Hand and leaning forward to catch your lips with his before looking back up at you “Till death do us apart”

[aphrodite1288]

Disclaimer: "A LONG ANNOYING ASS RANT "

Count with me the times, Kadi were fucked by Koreans:

*So Ksoo is always "another member", "Someone" or not spoken of at all or his name is not even mentioned when Kadi r involved together in one scene?!!

*Like Heck Ji did not even mention Ksoo in his MV only talked abt Xiu as if Ksoo's sign n power on that fuckn frozen rock wasn't there.

*He couldn't make a reaction nor talk or support Ksoo's Enlistment song while he did a whole series of reaction videos to Sechan n other artists (his friends), he promoted many songs of western n korean singers but when it came to Ksoo's "That's okay" which is a HIT song that the whole kpop covered n talked about, Ji remained blind n silent.

*Let's not Forget in 2018 during Ekso Ladder when Kadi were seen eating together but we ONLY GOT FOOTAGE OF JONGIN'S BACK n The fan MENTIONED THAT SHE COULDN'T TAKE PICS OF KSOO cuz HE WAS NOT VISIBLE CLEARLY!!??? He is a Human sized HUMAN?Not a Virus? And MONTHS AFTER THAT: She deleted her post n apologized saying that she just mistook KSOO to be with Ji that day n that it was NOT KSOO but someone else and that Ji came alone to the restaurant?? Wtf?? U just said months ago that they were eating a meal together but u came months and months after to tell us that Ji was in FACT EATING ALONE? U FUCKIN said HE WAS EATING WITH SOO? Matter of fact was with SOMEONE ??????????? what are u Blind? Is Ksoo's name cursed? Is he "who he must not be named?" Lord Do Voldemort?

*No ..Ok how can an ExoL not recognize "tHE oThEr mEmBeR" whom Ji was with? She clearly hid it n didn't want to expose it. Wtf? It's just "two Bros chilling in a hot tub five feets apart cuz they not Gay" *actually AGRESSIVELY singing the meme*

* And Oh please don't remind me of that Fucked up Scripted interview of Ekso Concert DVD where they asked kaisoo if they ever traveled together alone and forced Kadi to say that they did NEVER EVER TRAVELED TOGETHER ALONE OR HAD A MEAL TGT BEFORE! KSOO even felt sad that he had to lie abt this and even added a crumb for us to assure us that he is indeed Friends/Lovers with Ji n said "IT'S OKAY IF WE NEVER TRAVELED TOGETHER CUZ WE ARE ALWAYS TOGETHER IN THE DORM", y'all made him lie and he was even concerned that ppl might even think that he hates Ji at this rate that he never even had a meal with him or traveled with him or went on a hangout with him on a span of 10 years of knowing each other. How can u not go out with a friend for a meal for 10 fucking years??

I've just known my friend on internet for months and we traveled together and always hangout together heck we spent thousands of nights together after 1 week of knowing e/o ? Where's the Logic?

Instead we have all this Pushed up CHANSOO agenda with them traveling 4 times back&fourth to Japan, Going tgt in Yeol's car after concerts, having meals together and vacations together and pics all moved internet and on Chan's IG, CHANSOO are the most aesthetic couple they're a huge SHIP too with A HUGE SHIPDOM but No SM doesn't try to stop them?mmmh 🤔 Yet No ONE TO SPEAK ABT KADI SPENDING THEIR BDAYS TOGETHER IN 2019.

*And Oh! I almost forgot this: Ji couldn't even mention That he spent his bday in 2019 with KSOO, and that the latter made him a cake & lit the candles for him and even held a surprise party for him after he came back from his Bday party with Ls, cuz Ji was supposed to be Dating Jennifer back then! So to not break the straight agenda he had to not mention KSOO at all but instead he easily mentioned in his lives later that Ra/vi n Moo/nyu surprised him for his bday n held a mini party for one hour for him after he came from the Bday party with Eksolz when actually IT WAS KSOO?? Kim Ji..isn't KSOO your friend too?? Why didn't you mention him? I'm sure Ji was sad NOT MENTIONING KSOO n only his Homies squad WHILE IN FACT IT WAS THE POOR KSOO WHO HELD AND PREPARED THE PARTY! MADE HIM A CAKE AT HIS BROTHER'S GF's PASTRY AND BROUGHT, JI's Besties to Their(Kadi) dorm cuz he knows Ji would be so happy when his dudes ARE AROUND! But KSOO later on quickly kicked them to give Ji the BEST Bday gift when Ji was supposed to be having an affair with Diva girl Jennifer. Remember when Ji said that his friends came and held him a party for ONE HOUR ONLY BEFORE HE KICKED THEM OUT!! Now we know why he kicked them cuz KSOO was there ! And we didn't know that back in 2019! We knew it until 2020 When Ji forgot his lie n uploaded a video of him n Soo n his suquad on IG. It's too sad when KSOO'S efforts had to be gone in vain AND NOT BE MENTIONED AT ALL when IN FACT IT WAS HIM WHO DID EVERYTHING FOR JI in THAT SMALL BDAY PARTY! HE WAS THE ONE WHO PREPARED IT!

And I'm not gonna talks bout where Kadi spent their Bdays in 2019. Cuz some assess called me a privacy invader.

Stop making them seems like they don't even know each other.

All of this added to my yesterday anger. Korean Ls would never let kaisoo talk freely abt each other n i hate it. Korean Ls won't speak a word abt Kadi. I tried with them many times, never worked they always tell me that Ksoo is only close to SeChanBaekHo and in fact is not close with Ji at all n that It's JI's fault for always being out with his squad. Thankfully I have foreigner friends who live there n are so cool n tell me shit. These momfuckers are so homophobic. And the korean Kaisooists who actually support Kadi, speak in between the bushes so hidy n scared.

I'm mad.

[nawilla]

Yesterday something expected happened and what was extraordinary is how long it took to happen.

Yesterday, someone I actually know in real life was diagnosed with Covid-19 and said so.

I'm sure the conspiracy nutcases would be all over that, telling me the virus is no big deal and that it's all a government conspiracy. And to that I say you really don't know what my life is like and why this shows that vaccines work.

I am an essential worker in biomedical research in a building attached to a research hospital. The university I work for did not screw around. In person classes were shut down. I spent the first 3 months going to work alone and seeing no one. I've spent the time since seeing the same 10 or so people and rarely others. Our employer requires us to wear masks and use hand sanitizer and not come in if we are sick. Some of my coworkers are medical doctors, so our compliance level is high, because if we get So-and-So sick, they won't be available to treat patients. Very high compliance. We are scientists who have to walk through a hospital daily to do our jobs, the doctors we work with report that every day they work in the renal clinic, there are patients that die of Covid-19. We all got our vaccines when we were eligible and our employer is requiring it going forward. Very high compliance.

I ride the bus to get to work. Bus drivers in my city refuse service and will not allow boarding if you don't wear a mask. People still try to argue it. There have been drivers who died. They don't screw around.

And then there is my family. My nuclear family are . . . cats. Indoor cats (one begrudgingly). They are my bubble. The other person in my bubble is Fake Grandma, who also lives with pets, has limited contacts, and who I visit once a week for shopping and lunch, and when we are not eating, we wear masks. When the restaurants shut down we stayed home and talked on the phone.

I have not seen any of my extended family since before this started. My parents died years before all this, my sister lives states away, none live in my state or in any neighboring states, and the ones most likely to be infected (poor, uneducated, smokers) I am estranged from for unrelated reasons. I do have relatives refusing to vaccinate (some in New York, the morons) but they are mostly retired and are being shut ins. My bubble is small, and is mostly composed of people who believe in science, understand the nature and limits of vaccines and are compliant.

One of my coworkers (and his wife) came down with Covid-19 this week (Dec 1st, 2021). This does not show us that vaccines don't work, it shows us they do. Why? Because this person, despite his infection, was able to tell us about it during an online meeting. He was able to breathe (with a mask in hopes his kid doesn't get it), speak, think critically, take notes and offer to do some data analysis from home. He doesn't expect to need to be hospitalized or put on a ventilator or have his boss be the last person he sees before he's sedated because his boss is a medical doctor. He's probably going to be back to work when he is cleared. Because he got vaccinated and vaccines work, even if people still get infected.

I myself haven't had a cold since this all started between hand sanitizer and wearing masks and having no contact with people. Usually I get one cold and a bout of bronchitis every year. Instead I've just had chronic allergies. I was vaccinated. I suspect I have suboptimal lungs (I was a premature infant born in the 70s with a lifelong lack of stamina). If I get this virus, it could kill me quickly despite not having a diagnosis beyond being fat. I got my vaccine.

I didn't do this blindly. I have a strong family history of lupus. (As in male relatives diagnosed and people who died of it, and more than one and others with less severe autoimmune disease.) I don't get flu shots because I am not around vulnerable people and the lupus history outweighs the benefits. If I lived with vulnerable people, that would change. I got my Covid vaccine as soon as I was eligible and for a long time I was not. I got my second shot.

I don't know if I will get the booster. I reacted strongly to the second shot, with extreme swelling, redness and itching at the injection site. I took pictures. I will bring those pictures when I go for my booster to ask the professionals if I should have a booster or not, because I've had swelling before from tetanus shots and was told not to get them again. This may be the family history of immune reaction at work, and I really may not need a booster. Making an educated choice isn't "researching on Facebook." Its asking real medical professionals if you have a concern, not skipping it because Donald Trump said so, the vaccine has RNA in it, you have a shellfish allergy or you don't know anyone who has it so it's not real. If you claim you did research, I want you to explain to me what RNA is and where else it can be found and I want to see your vat where you've been developing an alternative vaccine. If you can't, shut up and see a real professional if you don't believe the CDC. Some people shouldn't have the vaccine. Some people shouldn't have the booster. Statistically, you are probably not that person, and you probably lack the education to make that determination yourself. Yes, vaccinated people can still get sick. That's always been true. The hope is that they won't die or survive with lifelong disabilities. Your ancestors who faced the flu epidemic a century ago would have seen this vaccine as a technological miracle and gift from God. Stop ruining it for everyone else because you are too individualistic to comply.

[radiorenjun]

I Don't Need It

• Pairing: Na Jaemin x Reader

• Genre: Angst, Comedy, Fluff

• Na Jaemin despised the idea of soulmates, he wanted to fight against fate for choosing his soulmate for him. Even if it means his stubborn childhood best friend wouldn't stop trying to make him accept about the similar tattoos on their wrists.

• Masterlist here!

• Chapters: v, vi

After the incident at Jaemin's house, you received a small scolding from your parents the next morning for leaving early as you pretended to be asleep when they came into your room to talk after the dinner party. (Even though you continued crying til dawn after they closed the door.)

You came to school with puffy swollen red eyes, messy hair and dark bags under your eyes that couldn't go unnoticed by the other students who just gave you a pitiful smile when greeting you. You tried your hardest to give them a decent smile back but the ache in your heart wouldn't go away, all you wanted to do was cry and sleep in your bed all day.

You felt hopeless and exhausted. You were seriously contemplating on skipping school today as you gathered your books and a pen from your locker until you heard a familiar voice behind you calling out your name.

"Y/N."

You turned your head back to see Huang Renjun who gave you a soft smile, stretching out his arms wide to give you a big warm hug. You felt tears lining up the brim of your eyes when you felt his arms comforting you, but you took a deep shuddering breath against his chest.

You felt Renjun pat your head, pulling away to wrap an arm around your shoulder and leads you to your next class. "Stop crying, ugly." Renjun chuckled as you sniffled tilted your head up to keep your tears in. "I'm sure I would if I don't feel like absolute shit right now, Renjun." you deadpanned.

Renjun rolled his eyes at your sardonic tone, taking a few agonizing moments of silence to think of what to say. He clicked his tongue, "so, are you going to finally stop?" he spoke quietly, the amusement in his voice had now disappeared.

You leaned your head against him and sighed heavily, closing your eyes for a moment before responding. "Enough is enough, I guess. I was bout to give up sooner or later anyways," you laughed bitterly, looking down.

"It hurt alot, you know." you chuckled, wiping your eyes to stop the tears that you couldn't hold in. Renjun bit his lip, his chest clenched at the sight of you crying as he lead you to your class. Guilt for bringing up the topic filling his heart as he sat beside you, watching you bury yourself in your arms and try to keep your breathing steady.

Renjun patted your back, unsure of what to do or say as the teacher walks into class. Although, he couldn't pay attention to the lesson, he couldn't stop thinking bout how much in pain you sounded when you accidentally buttdialed him.

Renjun was casually laying on his stomach on his bed while playing some animal crossing when the sound of his ringtone blasted from his phone. He sighed, picking up his phone then furrowing his brows at the name that popped up his screen.

Y/N L/N The Hopeless One

Why was she calling? Shouldn't she be at her monthly dinner with the Na's? More importantly, why is she calling in the middle of his animal crossing session? He swore that he remembers that Mrs. Choi didn't give homework today, so why else did she call?

Renjun swiped his thumb to receive the call, putting his phone beside his ear. "Hello? Y/N?" all he heard from your side of the call were soft sniffles, it sounded as if you were trying to calm yourself down. Wait, what's going on?

"Renjun, I'm so sorry, I sat on my phone and I think it accidentally-" you spluttered, choking on your words as you spoke. Something's definitely wrong. Renjun sat up completely, putting down his switch as his concern grew even more. "Wait, are you crying?" he asked hesitantly.

That seemed to silence you. But a hiccup elicited from you was enough to give him an answer, "no? Why would I be crying?" you cried out, sobs breaking out of your throat and through his phone speakers. Renjun bit his lip as he heard your cries, reading to hear you out.

"Y/n, it's okay. I'm here. Tell me what happened." He chuckled, laying down on his bed to prepare himself of what's to come. He heard you inhale deeply before telling him the whole story in explicit detail.

He was thankful that he got the main points considering your cries and gasps had muffled the words you spoke but either way he couldn't blame Jaemin for snapping, but he was beyond livid at the boy for letting his anger and annoyance get the best of him.

Renjun sighed as you finished your explanation, continuing to sob. Sounds of spoon hitting a plastic tub of ice cream (which you had grabbed in the middle of your explanation with an "I need to fill the emptiness inside me with some ice cream, I can't explain this without ice cream") in the background.

"That's a dick move." Renjun tsked. "I can't believe he broke your music box, the music box! I knew how special that thing meant to you." he exclaimed angrily. You sniffed, "I know but I can't blame him for yelling like that."

"That still doesn't give him an excuse for breaking what's yours." Renjun added. "Jesus Christ, he's supposed to be your soulmate, for Pete's sake! The one person in the world who's suppose to cherish your heart," he growled.

"Unbelievable, I'm going to kill him when we get to school." he muttered. "Renjun, don't. Please. Just leave him be, it wasn't completely his fault." you cried. "But-" Renjun started before you cut him off with a sob.

"I mean it." you told him boldly. "Leave him be. Please. Even though he crushed my heart to a gazillion pieces, I still love him with all my heart and I can't stop loving him. Please, Renjun." you pleaded, the desperation in your tone causing Renjun to nod and let out a small "okay".

He heard you sigh, hiccuping afterward. "I love him you know. I really do," you hiccuped. Renjun sighed, chuckling afterwards, "I know. You say that every 30 minutes in school, to an almost creepy level if I do say so myself." he teased.

You didn't laugh though, he knew your chest was still aching like hell to do so. "He said he'll never like me like that." you spoke in an almost audible tone, "I don't know what to do with myself anymore, Renjun. What am I supposed to do without him?" it seemed the tears had came back considering you started sobbing again.

Renjun sighed, "you really are an idiot." he chuckled sympathetically. "I know I am." you agreed, grabbing a tissue as you let out another dramatic sob.

"Is she okay?" your friend, Yeji, mouthed at Renjun, nodding her head at your sulking form that was poking your food mindlessly with a plastic spork. Renjun glared at your friend, his expression screaming 'Are you blind or stupid?'

Nancy rolled her eyes, nodding her head up at Renjun as if to say 'what's up with her, you idiot'. Renjun bit his lip, subtly pointing at you before making a heart with his fingers, tearing the heart apart slowly before pressing a finger down his eyelids to his cheeks with his face scrunched up.

Renjun then pointed at Na Jaemin who was a few tables away, chatting with Jeno and the other members of the Football Team along with a few girls from the cheer leading squad. Your group of friends furrowed their brows at the sight of Jaemin nodding his head along with his friends, smiling brightly as if he hadn't just broke a valuable possession of yours.

Hyunjin looked back at Renjun with wide eyes, pointing at you then at the boy who was sitting tables away from you. Renjun nodded before taking a spoonful of his lunch. The group exchanged expressions of sympathy before Yeji gave you an encouraging hug.

"Cheer up, babe." she said, trying to lighten your mood. "People fight all the time, I'm sure he'll make up for it eventually. Boys suck, anyways." Nancy added in agreement, receiving an offended "hey!" from Hyunjin beside her.

"Don't you have a lesson with him after this?" Chani asked, receiving a smack to the back of his head by Renjun afterwards. "I'm just asking, sheesh!" he hissed in retaliation, but the stoic expression on Renjun's face remained.

"Right, I have a class with him." you groaned, rubbing your swollen eyes with your palms. "I wish I could just skip," you muttered under your breath. "Don't we all? I mean I have Mr Park's after this and I forgot to do that essay he assigned yesterday." Yeji agreed.

"The essay bout Isaac Newton's discovery?" Jinyoung questioned, raising a brow. "I don't know, but it was that guy who had an apple fall ontop of his head though." she explained, pulling out her phone idly. "Yeji, that assignment was assigned three weeks ago."

"So? I am a busy person okay."

"Busy, my ass. You text me literally every hour of every day saying that you were tired of being bored and single, you damn procrastinator."

"Shut up would yo-"

"I'm going to head to class early, okay? I'll see you guys later," you got up, unable to stay in the same room as the guy who broke your heart who was having the time of his life, oblivious to the fact that your heart and mark was burning like hell.

"Y/N-" Nancy called out but you cut her off with a sad smile. "I just need some time alone right now," you sighed, grabbing your bag and started walking out of the cafeteria. You heard footsteps behind you, feeling a hand on your shoulder as Renjun's figure came up walking beside you.

"I'll walk you to class," Renjun smiled. "What part of-" you huffed before he cuts you off with a finger to your lips, "I wasn't asking, y/n." he giggled. You inhaled sharply, pushing his hand away from your mouth. "Don't get your hand near my mouth, I might die from whatever virus you have transferred onto your skin with the amount of paint water you consume everyday." you joked, a small smile evident before it faltered to a frown.

"Oh please, I don't consume paint water on purpose, you idiot. My fingers are cleaner than a germaphobe, chill out." he giggled before frowning when he noticed your eyes getting teary again. Memories of Jaemin yelling at you fluttered through your mind once again, your heart began to ache in your chest and your soulmate mark was burning against your skin.

Renjun bit his lip nervously, contemplating what to do next to make a smile appear on your face. 'Fuck it,' the boy thought, before wrapping an arm around your shoulders in the empty hallway before giving you a bright smile. "Why don't we ditch school for the rest of the day?" he offered.

Your eyes widened, "what did you just say?" you exclaimed with a gasp. "Let's ditch," he replied with a bold tone, nodding in encouragement, his eyes shining bright. "You? Are encouraging me? To ditch school?" you gaped, pointing to yourself and to Renjun in disbelief.

"Who are you and what have you done to the Renjun who cares bout his pristine reputation and nags bout how important perfect attendance is?"

"Oh come on. I'll even treat you to Baskin Robins, " Renjun poked your side teasingly, causing you to squeak and flinch in response. "So, what do you say?" he smirked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively as the arm around your shoulder pulled your closer to his form.

You thought bout it for a moment. Will Ms. Lee give you extra work as punishment once she finds out that you had ditched class? Without a doubt in mind, obviously. Are you willing to bare 25 minutes of half of the class muttering and whispering bout you, wondering why you aren't sitting next to Jaemin? Nope. Is this worth it? Probably.

"Alright." you gave in with a chuckle. "Only if you buy me fries and Baskin Robins though," you pointed a finger at him which he shrugged in response. "I'll be penniless by the end of the day but I'd do anything to stop making you feel like shit"

"It's cute that you care bout me."

"Don't take it to heart, this is a one time thing."

"Sure it will."

"Y/n, I'm serious. I need to save money for the next release of Kingdom Hearts."

It was a shame that you missed Jaemin's presence staring at you from afar the whole day. The way his eyes would subtly glance at you every few seconds during lunch, carefully watching you depressed figure poking tteokbokki with a sport.

Your friends hugging you and comforting you by your side. Jaemin felt guilty bout what happened that night but he knew that it was the last straw and it was the only way you would get off his back. Nonetheless, why did he feel sad when he saw you walking like a lifeless zombie on the way to the bus stop this morning as he drove to school?

He figured it was because he wasn't used to you coming up to his car every morning asking for a ride. Why did he feel his heart getting heavy when he saw you walking around like a kicked puppy waiting for it's owner as you open your locker.

He couldn't stop thinking bout how broken hearted you look when he yelled at you that night. He honestly didn't know what to feel. Relief now that you had stopped clinging on to him like a sloth hanging on a tree branch? Guilt because he had broken a gift you had given him? But why would you cry over a cheap music box when you just smiled at him when he had broke your favorite camera?

Jaemin watched you leave his room without another word. His gaze went down to his now dirty floor, pieces of wood scattered across the floor and a small figurine laying in between the pieces. 'It must've been an old cheap music box or something.' he thought.

Jaemin clicked his tongue angrily, kneeling down to run a hand through his hair. "Shit," he sighed softly, feeling the stress from earlier pile up in his head once again. His eyes went to the wooden pieces to the photograph of you and him when you were kids.

His eyes grew soft at the sight, remembering your high-pitched voice practically screaming at him to stop shooting his transformer action figures at your barbies while they were getting their hair brushed. He chuckled at the memory, his hand slowly picking up the photograph of you two laughing with your toys in hand.

He remembered how your grandma had barged in to take a photo of the two of you, commenting bout how adorable it would be to have Jaemin as your soulmate and future grandson in law. "I miss those times," he muttered, caressing the photo with his thumb before pulling out his wallet.

He folded the picture and snuck it into his wallet, smiling slightly. Jaemin looked at the scattered pieces and grabbed one of the empty boxes you had presented him when you gave him that new watch for his first goal. "I'll just throw this away later," he said as he gathered all the pieces and puts them in the decorated box.

Jaemin then got up to his window, stretching his curtains to peek at your room. He could see your window which was now covered by your curtains, your lights were turned off but he could see your figure collapsing on your bed. Did he go too far?

Jaemin didn't understand why it was making him feel down to see you frown like that. To hear the students around you gossip bout how sad you looked today. He didn't understand why he felt like he had done something awfully terrible.

"Holy shit, you did that?" Jeno gasped, almost dropping his spoon dramatically onto the table. Jaemin nodded sheepishly as he explained the whole situation with you at the dinner party. "Yep."

"Isn't that a little too far? I mean she looks really really sad. Sadder than that time when she got an F on maths." Jeno raised his brow, sitting up straight as Jaemin shrugged in response. "It was the only way to get her off my back for a while, I'm sick of it." he groaned.

"Dude, what if she actually stops for good? Then what?" he added, disbelieving the fact that his best friend would hurt his own soulmate like that. He never really understood why Jaemin was so defensive bout the soulmate topic, either.

"Then? Then great! I wouldn't have to worry bout her nagging to me everyday of my life. As if that's gonna happen though, she's gonna get back to it in a few days, trust me." Jaemin chuckled. He knows you like the back of his hand, once you calm down, you'll be back to annoy the living hell out of him again.

"Dude, isn't that a little too far?"

"What if that music box actually meant something to her? I mean, she looks as if she had seen herself die or something!"

"Jeno-"

"What would you do if she stops and the tables starts turning?"

"Jeno that's not possibl-"

"I said 'if'!! What IF you grew feelings for her when she stops feeling like that? What are you gonna do?"

"Jeno sto-"

"What are you two gonna do now huh? Remove your mark-"

"Jeno, fuck off!." Jaemin barked, his eyes growing dark. Jeno closed his mouth, realising he had spoken too much. He couldn't help it. Not when he knew his friend made a huge mistake. "Sorry," he mumbled, looking down shamefully.

Jaemin sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "I'm going to go to the bathroom. Please don't bring this up again," he muttered, getting up from his spot in the table.

He felt sick to his stomach. He excused himself and passing by the cheerleaders gawking at him on one of the tables. Once he stepped out he saw your lonely figure walking alone in the halls.

He didn't know why he wanted to talk to you at that moment. And he sure didn't know why it made him feel irritated to see Huang Renjun come up and comfort you, eliciting a smile from you with a few words.

"Why don't we ditch school for the rest of the day?"

Jaemin almost let out a laugh. You? Ditching class? The day that happens is the day that pigs fly. You couldn't possibly accept his offer, right? You two do share a class after this, you wouldn't give up any opportunity to spend time with him-

"Alright." you gave in with a chuckle.

Jaemin felt something inside of him ache. He couldn't understand why you would skip class for the rest of the day to spend time with Renjun instead of him. He couldn't understand why you look so happy walking out to the corridors of the school with him by your side.

Jaemin stood in his place, his pupils began to shake as he watched Renjuns embrace tighten around your small form. His hands now balled up into fists as he gripped onto the fabric of his white hoodie. He didn't understand why he felt his blood boil when he saw you two happily in each others company.

More importantly he was too busy pondering a million questions in his head go acknowledge the pain in his chest and the slight burn of his soulmate mark on his left skin beneath the fabric covering it.

I want to cry this took forever uGh. I love writing this series hehe

Tags: @12am-musings @cherrystay

[blubberingmess]

[Dead heart]

Pairing: zombie!Bucky x reader

Summary: "Help plea--" the moment he turned around, you knew you had made a big mistake.

Warnings: blood, stupid (Y/n), Please don't do this irl. Just ran away.

Note: look what I found in my draft. Also the title... it sounds familiar...

It all happened so fast you didn't even know if it's real, it's like from a show you once watched. Everything is falling apart. People are dying, eating each other's flesh and guts like monsters. As soon as you got bitten-- and not got eaten alive-- either way, you'd be as dead you'll ever get.

Within a few months after the massive virus outbreak, the world have now more zombies than humans. Every corner of the city stinks of dead rottening flesh and guts of the unfortunates. So you moved out to a more rural part of the country, away from the city where the zombies are just... everywhere.

You've never seen anyone for a month now, not even a single group of teenagers that claimed "prepared" for zombie apocalypse.

Pathetic.

And now you're being followed by a horde.

"Shit," you mutter to yourself as you shot the last bullet of your gun at the zombie, exploding it's head everywhere. You saw one of them tried to grab you by the shoulder but you quickly threw the empty gun at its face, giving it a huge dent but unfortunately, not enough for it to be killed. It only continues to limp towards you with others.

So you run, forgetting about your things back at your small camp not too far. You started shouting with all your might. "Help! Please! Somebody!"

The woods might not be the best way to go but you don't have a choice, you're panicking. Your heart is beating erratically against your chest as you run further into the woods, only getting a small sense of relief when you saw a person - a man - standing with his back turned to you.

"Mister! Mister!"

You saw his head perked up at the sound of your voice, head going left to right to find the source of the sound. His body looked stable and well built, like really well built. His arms are bulging through his shirt, maybe that's why he doesn't have a weapon with him - but that's still stupid though. He's wearing a black long sleeve top, cargo pants, and boots. His clothes looks clean, not like a zombie so you continued to shout.

"Help plea--" the moment he turned around, you knew you had made a big mistake. Some visible red veins are scattered around the left side of his face as well as his neck. His left eye is cloudy and grey and red rimmed, but the other is in a light shade of blue. He looks alive but at the same time, he looks just as dead as the zombies behind you.

You were about to stop in your tracks when you clumsily trip over a stone and came tumbling down right in front of him on all fours. Looking up, you saw him already staring down at you with that dead look on his face before looking up at the horde of zombies limping your way.

He doesn't look like he's rottening, maybe he just got bitten before you found him.

Sitting up quickly, you didn't know why but you turned your back on the beefy-- clearly strong-- looking zombie and whimpered as the zombies continues to limp their way towards you. But then they suddenly stopped to your surprise, standing there and just staring at - you don't know who - you or the zombie behind you, or both at the same time.

It's all quiet, only the soft breeze and the tweeting of birds from a distance. Confused, you watched the horde slowly turns around and started limping away, as if eating your brains out isn't their main goal anymore.

You heard a grunt and slowly look up with your eyes still wide open in horror, breathing unstable and ragged. Uncomfortable, you whimpered, closing your eyes tightly.

"Please, don't hurt me."

The weird zombie kept his eyes on you for a few moments, analyzing your features albeit being upside down before turning his heels and walking away, leaving you still leaning back with your eyes tightly closed. You heard the crunches of leaves and opened your eyes to see the zombie man is gone and is now a few feet away from you, lazily walking away from your fatal position.

The zombie is walking away from you, a living breathing not so fresh looking human.

You quickly stood up from the ground, watching as the zombie walks away. He didn't even tried to harm you, instead, he actually helped you. He somehow pushed the horde of zombies, but how?

You decided to stalk the mysterious zombie, noticing that he's walking with a direction, on his own trail like he knows where he is. Maybe he's going back to his zombie family, you mentally kicked yourself in the butt at the absurd idea. Or maybe he's taking a casual walk in the woods - okay, now you're going crazy.

You've made a noise a few times, randomly tripping over some stumps and rocks, broke a twig or two as you follow him through the woods. You heard him sigh a few times, stopping to turn his head to the side before walking again, shaking his head.

You didn't noticed it but whenever you got to far, the zombie would stop, only resuming his walk when he hears the loud crunching of you shoes against the dried up leaves.

After a few minutes of walking you saw him began heading towards a small cabin next to a small lake. The place is secluded and quite beautiful, you wonder who could be living here and then you remembered the zombie.

You sprinted out from your hiding place behind a random dead tree and pulls out your pocket knife - it's not much, but it's the only weapon you have - pointing it at him.

"Hey!" You shouted, stilling him on the porch of the cabin. Shaking your head, you bravely took a step forward. "I won't let you harm anyone who's living there. Not on my watch."

Oh look at you being a hero.

The zombie just stares at you dumbfounded before it turns into an amused look. He slowly tucked his hand in his pockets before pulling out a key, a smug smirk on his face when he saw the look of shock on yours. Opening the door, he kept his eyes on you as if silently challenging you 'oh yeah? What ya gon' do 'bout it?'.

He walks in leaving the door open. Is he... inviting you in?

You look down at the pocket knife in your hand, still shiny and sharp, the only weapon you have left - and probably useless.

Inhaling deeply, you stand up straight and started making your way closer towards the cabin. In all honesty, you expected the inside to be trashed and abandoned but no, it's so far from that.

Most of the furnitures are made out of wood, it looks expensive. The inside is clean and warm... like a home. It doesn't smell like the dead either, that means someone must've been living here for quite some time now.

You heard the grunt again and snapped your eyes towards the sound; from kitchen, frowning when you saw the zombie gently placed a steaming cup of coffee on the counter before stepping back, giving you space. Finally noticing his left hand; a prosthetic. You unconsciously tighten the grip on your knife.

Bucky noticed you staring at his metal arm and can't help but hide it behind his back, surprising you at his action, like he's uncomfortable at your staring.

"I'm... sorry." The zombie only nodded his head, the corner of his mouth twitching up.

"B-... Bucky," the zombie rasped out. You felt your eyes almost bulge out from your eye sockets at the sound, not expecting him to talk since, well, he's a zombie.

Bucky? What's that? Bucky noted your confusion and points at his chest, eyes still on you as he spoke once more, now much more slower for you to understand.

"Bucky." His name.

You nodded your head, pointing at yourself as well with your still slightly shaking hand. "(Y/n)."

He's a friendly zombie isn't he?

[rottengalzsworld]

Our Beautiful Rhythm.

"Hey gramps! Who's this two?"

"Hmm?"

"This two people in black and white. Who're they?"

Even when I can't see I know who he's talking about.

"Ah. Those two.. They're the people who once fought for a forbidden love.." I paused

"And? What happened?"

"Well.. they failed."

"Why?"

"Because.. How bout I tell you their story instead? That way it's easier to explain why."

"Hmm okay." He sat down in front me.

"It happened several years ago.."

Flashback

"SATOSHI! WAIT UP! YOUR TOO FAST!"

"HAHAHAHA. NO! YOU TWO ARE JUST TOOO SLOW!"

"OOORRRRAAAAAAAA!!!"

"WOAH! OI! KENSUKE!"

"HAHAHAHAHA! COME ON KANOU! RUN FASTER! IT'S GONNA POUR SOON!"

end of flashback

"Those three. Every single day they're together. Playing. Having fun. With no care in the world. They were so happy... until.."

"Until?" My naive grandson asks.

"Until that day.. where the most beautiful rhythm of friendship almost broke.."

Flashback

"Sa-satoshi.. K-kanou? What are you..?"

"Kensuke.."

I saw satoshi on top of kanou.. I couldn't process what was going on. I ran. Why did I ran anyway? Wait.. why am I crying? What is this? Why do I feel so betrayed?

*People murmuring*

"Hey did you know someone saw satoshi and kanou having s*x in the old storage room?"

"Wait.. so they're gay? Eew. Disgusting!"

"I know right? Eew"

"We should avoid them I don't want to catch their virus!"

"Hahahahahaha. Can't even believe their fags. How'd ya think they do it?"

"Stop it! That's disgusting.."

No.. no.. maybe they're just curious or confuse.. right? Why.. why do I still feel so..

Kanou and satoshi came to school as if nothing happened. Kanou obviously is very affected of what our classmate's saying but satoshi didn't care and even kissed him in front of everyone. We're all astonished.

"Yes! Kanou and I are in a relationship and I don't f*cking care wether you accept us or not.. I love him and he's mine. Lay your hands on him.. I'll kill you!"

He said with such scary eyes. Our classmates were silenced. They know that satoshi isn't someone you wanna mess with. He's the team captain of judo and also knows martial arts. In other words he's very strong.

After a week passed I decided to talk to them

*bows* "I'm terribly sorry! Satoshi! Kanou! I.. I.. *cries*"

Why can't I say anything? I have to apologize. I can't see.. my eyes are soo blurry. More importantly.. why am I crying?

I felt a hand rub my head. I lifted my head and there I saw satoshi's smiling face.

"You really are a cry baby. Huh kensuke."

"You know we weren't actually mad... It's our mistake for not telling you anything. Were sorry.." kanou said with pained smile.

Why? Why are they so kind? It's me who ruined their reputation. Because of me..

"Why.." I whispered.

"Hmm?"

"WHY?! WHY ARE YOU SO KIND TO ME?!" I yelled while crying.

"Kensuke calm do--" said kanou

"NO! I.. I AM THE REASON WHY PEOPLE SEE'S YOU LIKE GARBAGE! I AM THE REASON WHY YOUR REPUTATION AS GOOD STUDENTS RUINED! I.. It's.. It's my fault.. *sobs*"

"Kensuke.."

I looked at satoshi who now wears that scary serious eyes. I trembled.

"So what do you want us to do? Blame you? Punch you? Swear at you?" He said.

I'm shaking..

"Are you an idiot?! HUH?! KENSUKE??!" He shouted.

He punched me straight to the face. It hurts.. but I deserve it.

"SATOSHI! Enough!" Said kanou.

"There! Happy now? Are you satisfied?" He asks furiously.

I can't lift my face not because of his punch. But because I can't look at them in the eyes because I felt so damn guilty of what I did.

"Kensuke. Look. It's not your fault that everybody knew about us. We already prepared ourselves for that. We knew it's gonna happen sooner or later. But.. but what we didn't expect is.." his voice started shaking.

"Is you turning your back at us.. I.. I thought you're gonna be on our side.. turns out.. you weren't.." he said.

I lifted my head and I saw him crying. The strong satoshi I know is here in front me crying like a loser.

"Satoshi.." I said. Damn it!

"Kensuke.. now that you know about us. Would you still like to be our friend?" Kanou asks.

"Our world is different now. It's okay if you want to distance yourself from us.. We'll understand.. but please decide so.. so.. *sobs*" kanou is crying. I'm a very bad friend huh.

Damn it! This two! The reason I'm here is because I want to be with them like before.

"Are you nuts?" I said

"I won't be here embarrassing myself If I don't want to be your friend anymore. You two seriously.." I told them while holding a smile. And trying my best to not cry.

"KENSUKE!" They both screamed my name and hugged me. We all cried and apologized to each other..

Our friendship is back on track again. I'm so happy..

End of flashback

"Kensuke knew it won't be easy but he only thinks that as long as his friends are happy he's fine with anything"

"If that's the case... why did they fail??" He asks..

"All was well until their parents knew about it. Both of their families were against them.. they even came to the point of marrying off satoshi to a rich woman... and kanou.. his family wants to take him to another country.."

Flashback

"NO! MOTHER! I WILL NEVER DO THAT!" I screamed.

"SATOSHI! ARE YOU INSANE?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF IMPACT THIS RELATIONSHIP WILL DO TO OUR FAMILY?!" My mother shouted at me.

Honestly I already saw this coming. But for her to marry me off to someone I don't even know is too much.

"Mother.. did you even heard me? I said I won't marry her!" I stubbornly disagreed

"Wether you like it or not! You will marry her. End of discussion. Go to your room now!" She said.

No! No matter what happen. I won't give up on kanou.

That night I sneaked out to see kanou. I went to our meeting place. There I saw him standing next to a tree facing the view of the ocean. He's like a goddess. So beautiful. I slowly walked towards him.

"Satoshi.." he softly called out to my name. As I wrap .y hands around his waist.

"Kanou.." I replied.

He faced me. His face says it all. He's worried. Scared.

"My parents told me they're going to bring me to america.. satoshi.. I don't want to go." He told me teary eyed.

"My mother wants me to marry someone I don't know.. obviously I disagreed but.. she told me I don't have a choice." I hugged him. We both cried. We don't know what to do. Were still young. We can't possibly do anything ourselves.

"Satoshi.. I love you." He said

"I love you more than anything else.. kanou" I kissed him.. passionately. Under the big full moon. Oh god. Please. I don't want this to end. I love him so much.

After a month It's my wedding day. My mother rushed everything..

"Satoshi.. Are you ready?" My mother asked me.

I didn't answer. I'm not. Of course. And I will never be.

"*sighs* Look. Son. I'm doing this for you.." she said.

Hah! Since when did you even care about me? The only thing you're worried about is our family name and your damn money.

"Madam. It's time." Said the driver.

"Yes. Son. I will wait for you. I'll see you there." She said tapping my shoulders.

Mother.. sorry. But I really can't.

After my mother went to church I ran to my car and drove fast. I stopped by kensuke's house to give him something. But seems like no one's home. So I just placed it in their mailbox instead hoping kensuke will see it.

After that I drove to that place.. our special place.

When I arrived there I couldn't find kanou. I got scared. What if.. what if he really went away? What am I gonna do?? Kanou..

"KANOU?! KANOU! WHERE ARE YOU?!" I screamed.. but no one answered. I sat down. Crying. Why.. kanou.. we talked about escaping together.. kanou.. where are you..

"Satoshi?.. *pants*" someone at my back called me.. I immediately looked who it is..

"KANOU!" I got up and hugged him.

"I.. I thought you weren't.." I said.

"You thought I won't come? You silly. I won't let you escape by yourself and leaving me behind." He smiled and kissed me.

It was night time.

"The moon tonight is big.." he said..

"Yeah.. As if it calls for us.." I said.

"Satoshi.."

"Are you scared?" I asked.

"A little bit. Yes. But being in your arms calms me."

"That's good. I love you kanou." I kissed him in his forehead.

"I love you too satoshi.." We kissed each other.

"It's time.." I said.

We both got up and started walking towards the ocean. I held his hand. Tightly. The water is cold. But are hands stayed warm.

"SATOSHI! KANOU!" Ah.. that voice..

We looked back and I wasn't wrong. It's our dear friend kensuke.

"DON'T DO THIS! I WILL HELP YOU ESCAPE! BUT JUST NOT THIS! PLEASE!" He begged. I'm sorry kensuke. But even if we managed to escape were still prisoners of this world.

I smiled at him. I waved my hands. Same to kanou. We waved our hands to him.

"We'll see ya later ken!" Kanou said.

"See ya crybaby kensuke!" I said.

Again we started walking towards the moon. I can hear kensuke calling us.

"YOU IDIOTS! *cries* YOUR SO SELFISH FOR LEAVING ME LIKE THIS! *sobs* But.. but.. BUT DON'T WORRY! *sobs* I.. I PROMISE TO LIVE FOR YOU! *sobs* BUT WHEN THE TIME COMES! YOU.. *sobs* YOU TWO.. YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE FOR ME! NEXT TIME! *sobs*.. next time.."

After hearing that I smiled. Looked back. He's waving and as usual.. crying. Damn.. this hurts.

"YES! WE PROMISE!" Kanou and I said together.

I've never been so calm and happy. I glanced at kanou and he did the same. He smiled. As we were both engulfed by the waters of ocean. I grasp his body and held it near me. Kissed him again.. for one last time.. after that I lost consciousness.

---

satoshi.. kanou.. you guys.. you're so selfish.

I am holding the paper satoshi sent me. Held it near my chest.

I watched them be devoured by the ocean. I couldn't do anything. I fell on my knees. Cried myself till I pass out.

Why can't I do anything to protect the important people in my life?

Kensuke.. our dearest friend. I'm sorry for letting you witness such horrific scene. But we just want you to know.. that we're happy. In this special place of ours. Kensuke.. I have one favor to ask of you. Please keep on living for us. Fulfill our dreams for us. I know it's a bit selfish but.. kensuke.. were counting on you. This thing were about to do is the only way for us to be together. Don't worry. We're going to be fine. Don't be a crybaby coz we know that you'll be okay too. Ja! Gotta go. Our special place is waiting for us. So good bye for now. Till we meet again.

-satoshi and kanou

Weeks passed the body of satoshi and kanou were found at the shore on the other side of the beach. The people who saw it said that their hands were inclined.

They didn't let go of each other even in death huh...

End of flashback

"So they failed because they died?" My grandson said.

"They failed to fight for their love.. they chose to give their lives up." I answered.

"No gramps. I think your wrong." He said.

"What?"

"They died not because they gave up. They chose death because even if they manage to live they're still prisoners of this cruel world." he said.

Wait.. that's..

"Honestly in the end.. even with what happened.. they still won gramps."

"You think so? How?" I asked.

"Coz they died together. You said that when their dead bodies were found they're still holding on each other.. that only means one thing. They're happily together somewhere special. A very special place where their free and peaceful."

This boy..

I can't believe that a mere 15 years old boy would make me realize such a huge thing..

"Anyway gramps.. how come you know such story??" He asked me curiously.

"Well. It's becau--"

"KAMIKI? KAMIKI! Where are you??!"

"AH! Yes moooom! I'm here!" He answered

"There you are. I have been calling your name for so many times now." My daughter akane said.

" hehehehe.. sorry mom I was hanging out with gramps. What do you need me for anyway?"

"Your friend is here.." she said.

"Uhm.. hi?" Another guy said..

"SATOO!! WOW! Whaddya doin here?!" He said

"Our teachers told me to check on you since you were absent.."

"Oohh did you miss me?"

*flustered* "what?! No!"

Aaahh.. kids nowadays.. very energetic.

"Hey pops.."

"Akane.."

"So were you telling him that story?" She asks.

"Yes.. and wanna know what he said after I finished telling it to him?" I told her.

"Yeah?"

"He said that they didn't lost the fight.. but won"

"Hahahaha.. well you know that kid.. he's different."

"Indeed he is."

"Mom! Were going somewhere okay?!"

"Fine but don't be late for dinner!"

"Ooookaay!"

"Have to go back to the kitchen pops.. need to finish my cooking.."

"Right okay.." I answered.

After all this years of me worrying and thinking just went to waste. Well either way I don't care..

I just hope that this time. In this life time. Your beautiful rhythms will continue to play.

I hope you get the happiness you both deserve.. I hope no one steals this true love and contentment both of you have. I hope.. you live the life you dreamed of.

Haaah.. seems like I can finally relax.. I have kept my promise. So it's time to keep yours.

Well.. kanou.. satoshi.. indeed till we meet again.. My dear friends.

- kensuke

[ratralsis]

Two stories but actually zero stories

I'd like to tell another story tonight. I'm not sure how well this one will go, but I'll tell it anyway, because a cousin of mine just died earlier this week.

Now, this is tragic stuff, and I'm sad about it. He left behind a wife and three kids, two boys and a girl, all under 18, so now his wife is a single mom trying to raise three kids by herself.

The truth, though, is that I don't even know this man's last name, and he's my mom's sister's son. I've met him before, but that was probably around thirty years ago. He was a few years older than me at the time, and still is, I suppose, for now, though by some measures I may be able to catch up now that he's decomposing instead of getting older. I don't know if it works that way. I've heard people refer to it as someone's "birthday" even after they die.

In any case, I haven't seen him in a long time. He's hundreds of miles away, and the service is on Saturday, and maybe, if it's streaming, I'll be able to attend virtually. We'll see, I suppose.

He worked at a hospital. Had the opportunity to get a COVID-19 vaccine before most folks. Chose not to, because he was relatively young (early 40's) and healthy and thought that surely he would be able to withstand a bout of COVID-19 if he were to catch it.

Well, he caught it, and spend all of August and September in the hospital. Not the one where he worked. A different one. The one where he worked didn't have enough room for him.

Within only a couple of weeks, he didn't have COVID-19 anymore. No more virus. It was gone. What remained was the pneumonia, and COVID-19 pneumonia is a special kind of pneumonia. It sticks around, and the damage it causes to a person's lungs can spread. And it did spread, in my cousin's lungs. He was kept sedated for weeks, breathing through a tube, because he couldn't breathe on his own. I thought for sure that he would get better, and that the real question was simply how badly off he'd be when he did. You know, you hear stories of long COVID and so on.

Well, they brought him off of one painkiller and onto a different one to wake him up, and then they had to sedate him again when blood started getting into his breathing tube. Then he went into critical condition, and, three days later, he died. Nine weeks in the hospital, unable to breathe on his own. Asleep for most of it. Unable to talk to his family when he wasn't. A horrible way to go.

The thing is, I don't feel sad for him. I should, but I don't, and I'm sure that makes me a horrible person. I feel sad for his wife and kids, people I've never met and never will meet, and I feel sad for his mom, a woman I haven't seen since her father died and I went to that funeral because her father was my grandfather and I loved that man even if I didn't love any of his daughters, not a single one of them, including my mother. But not for my cousin. I don't feel sad for that foolish man who decided not to get vaccinated and got dead instead.

It's possible he'd have still died while vaccinated. It's happened to people before. It can't be ruled out. But it would have been pretty unlikely.

None of it has to do with my book, or with me, personally, and I try to keep this blog related to me, and I've failed at that tonight, and I'm sorry for that.

My mother's going to die soon, too. She's been dying for over a year, and possibly for over fifty years, to hear my dad tell it, but more recently she's been dying of pancreatic cancer. She's stopped her chemo and is focusing on pain management now. How can she keep her life from being horrible before she dies, that kind of thing.

I visited the vault where her ashes are to be interred. I hope to read my book to her there someday, when it's finished. My silly story about a man who falls in love with a big blue monster lady and tries very hard to get her to stop trying to die for her country and eventually they get married and then he succeeds and they have a little purple daughter together. That's the book. I've ruined the ending for you. I am not sorry. It is a silly book, but it means a lot to me, and my mom's aware that I'm writing it.

I've visited many Shinto shrines while in Japan. I'm told that, beyond where I've ever been allowed to go, there is a box inside the shrine that is the home of the god of the shrine. It doesn't mean that the god is stuck in there, or anything. It just means that the god can go there if they want to. And so, when I toss a coin into the donation box and I clap and bow and I pray to the god of the shrine, I'm trying to get the god's attention, and, if the god is so inclined, they can come down to the box that's made up to be comfortable and inviting for them and they can listen to my prayers.

They're gods. They can be in all sorts of places. The box is there for them to feel comfy while they listen to me.

This is my understanding. It is a poor understanding, and I freely admit to that, and I very strongly urge you to do your own research on this where I have not.

I've never seen one of those boxes and I never will. I'm not a Shinto priest. I don't want to be one.

My mom's mom used to tell my mom that she never visited my mom's dad's grave. The man I said I loved earlier. That man. He died before his wife. She never visited the grave, though, because, she said, he wasn't there. He was there in the house with her. That's what she believed. That's what my mom believes. She doesn't expect anybody to ever visit her grave, or rather her vault, because she's not there, and doesn't need visitors there.

But I hope to visit her there. I hope to come, and maybe bring a chair, or sit right down in front of it, and read my book to her. She may not be there, but she could be there, and it's as good a place as any to read her my silly story about a man who falls in love with a big blue monster lady and tries very hard to get her to stop trying to die for her country and eventually they get married and then he succeeds and they have a little purple daughter together. The order of operations there is important. They get married before he convinces her to stop trying to die for her country. It's her idea. She thinks it's a great compromise.

I don't know that things will work out that way. But I hope that they do.

I don't know that I've ever been in the presence of a god, Shinto or otherwise, and I don't know that I've ever been in the presence of a ghost. I'm a scientist and a skeptic, and I follow the evidence, and the evidence tells me that I haven't ever been. That's all there is to it. But it's a nice idea. It's fun to pretend. It's fun to pretend that my mom will go on existing after she dies, and that I will, too. That I'll go on existing after she dies, I mean, and also if I can go on existing after I die, too, that'd sure be nice. But in that gap, the few years, the blink of an eye on a cosmic scale, between when she dies and I die, I'd like to visit a vault that contains a little pile of ashes that used to be my mom's body and, before that, my mom, and read a book out loud in front of that vault.

A book about a man who... well, you get the idea.

I've been very down lately. It shouldn't be hard to guess why. And now I have to write another scene in that book before I can go cook dinner and then eat dinner and then go to bed. There are probably about a hundred and twenty in the whole book, and I'm writing somewhere around three to seven a week. I have another twenty-nine weeks to go before the first draft is done.

I'd like to tell more stories about my past and the influences on the book, but I'm having a hard time thinking of any right now. I've been very down lately, and I have to work on the book now.

Good night. Sleep well. I love you.