#who have somehow infiltrated most of my fest stuff

[quillwritten]

00Q YouTuber AU - 2: Bond

right. Bond.

Bond is a stunt youtuber

his channel is called Double Oh Seven bc he’s part of a squad

he only ever uses his surname on the channel

why?? something something boys bonding boarding school no christian names thank you

sometimes he cameos on other Double Oh channels and sometimes they cameo on his

other times they collab to post elaborate videos on a channel called M Presents where they do stuff like recreate movie fight scenes in a back garden

all the Double Ohs (there’s 13 of them) have their fan bases but Bond is one of the most popular

if not the most popular

bc he’s the most reckless which makes for the most fun watching and also he’s pretty shameless and ends up shirtless an unreasonable amount

so yeah he’s got Fans

unfortunately for them, he also has a boyfriend

he does not mention his bf very often, and never by name

just occasionally he’ll say something like “I’m gonna be in trouble when I get home” whilst staring at a wrecked heap of motorbike

someone eventually asks why? and he’s like “oh yeah my boyfriend makes most of our gear”

this is during a Q&A with Double Oh Three who immediately points out that Bond is the only one who can get away with his level of destruction

he immediately shoots back that she also gets leeway bc of her gf

(more on those two later)

still, he has guest stars on both his own channel and M Presents

and The Straights are always trying to ship him with whatever woman with whom he’s been on screen for three whole minutes

meanwhile everyone with eeyes and ears and half a functioning braincell are like?????? he says he has a boyfriend???? stop being fucking weird about this and also homophobic

Bond does not have a twitter bc he can’t be bothered to check any sort of social media

but he has an insta for bts photos which is a solid fifty-five percent showing off ridiculous injuries

one time he gets actually shot bc someone didn’t swap the bullets out for blanks in an M Presents scene

Double Oh Three films an ig live laughing too hard to keep the camera steady bc Bond is being grumpy in the back of an ambulance

people call her out for it

Bond ‘somehow’ gets into the M Presents twitter and makes a statement telling people to knock it tf off bc she’s a friend and he was fine

and then he steps back and lets Carter deal with the rest herself bc she is Very Capable

The next video on his channel is a more sedate one that involves him scaling a human sized cat tower with two very confused actual cats

“both the climbing frame and the cats belong to my bf bc he made me promise to take it easy until I’m slightly less shot”

after approx. four years of this, someone on twitter finally makes a connection

‘wait so his bf makes all the gear and has two cats??? also [extremely zoomed in blurry screenshot of the Q scrabble mug in the background of a video]’

‘guys are you seeing this???????’

‘@thequartermaster are you dating bond from double oh seven’

Bond and Q have a conference in the back of the cab on their way to date night while R watches the kids cats

Q tweets back that yes he is dating bond from double oh seven

there are several main responses to this:

‘wait two people I follow are dating and I never knew?’

‘yeah that makes sense actually’

‘aw you guys r cute’

‘wait is bond james????????’

people start making compilations of all Q’s tweets ft stupid stuff James says overlaid over Bond being cool on Double Oh Seven

Bond and Q do one (1) collab video on each of their channels

on Q’s channel: ‘My boyfriend tries to build a bike from scratch’

this is punishment for the last time Bond wrecked his bike

Q helps, but only minimally

mainly he just laughs at Bond being extremely confused by the instructions

on Bond’s channel: ‘Teaching my boyfriend parkour’

this is punishment for the bike building video

Q is surprisingly good at it

except when he nearly brains himself on a bike rack bc he’s too busy staring at Bond a few metres ahead

people turn it into a meme

distracted boyfriend except for a loving (but dumb) relationship

but they do end up actually being in shot in each other’s videos sometimes, now

Bond tries twitter to retaliate for all Q’s dumb stories about him

and gives up in less than a week

instead he just makes a new insta and posts stupid photos of Q

the most liked photo is one of Q absolutely furious after Bond nearly dies in a car stunt

(he nearly dies taking the photo, too, bc Q is about half a second away from throttling him)

tune in tomorrow for more dumb james bond youtuber au

next up: genius lesbian R

[buttdawg]

Allie’s Master Plan

I’ve been trying to understand Allie’s motives for seducing QT Marshall, and to my eternal horror, I think I actually came up with something that makes sense.   Let me break it down for you.

Step One: Allie debuts in AEW, defeats Leva Bates at Fyter Fest 2019.   This angers the powers that be within AEW, who are irrationally convinced that the Librarians are the greatest idea in wrestling history.   

Step Two: Allie loses to Brandi Rhodes at Fight For the Fallen 2019, due to interference by Awesome Kong.   The match is intended to punish Allie for defeating the Elite’s hand-picked women’s wrestling star, but Allie quickly realizes how easy it is to manipulate Brandi’s fragile ego.    

Step Three: Allie turns into “The Bunny” and brings the Butcher and the Blade to AEW to beat the shit out of Cody, furthering Brandi Rhodes’ descent into madness.   Also, The Blade is Allie’s husband, so the Bunny phase of her career isn’t quite the plothole as I originally assumed.

Step Four: Brandi forms, disbands, confuses the Nightmare Collective.    When MJF whips Cody in early 2020, she renews her ties to the Nightmare Family, which leads to her managing the team of Dustin Rhodes and QT Marshall.

Step Five: With Butcher and Blade firmly established in AEW, Allie abandons the Bunny persona and begins seducing QT Marshall, which allows her to infiltrate the Nightmare Family.

Step Six: Somehow, Allie convinces Brandi to team up with her on AEW Dark.   They win their matches, but Allie does a lot of sneaky stuff to get the pin while Brandi does most of the work.  

Step Seven: The success of the “Nightmare Sisters” goes to Brandi Rhodes’ head.    Using her backstage influence, Brandi arranges a women’s tag team tournament.  

Step Eight (?): Allie and Brandi make it to the tournament finals, but Allie takes a dive to cost them the match.   

Step Nine (?): Allie convinces Brandi that they were robbed at the tournament final, and suggests that the best way for Brandi to salve her wounded ego would be to outshine the tournament winners by introducing an even grander prize: the AEW Women’s Tag Team Championship. 

The bottom line here is that Allie’s endgame here is to manipulate Brandi into creating a women’s tag team division in AEW.    From there, she can either win the titles with Brandi, or dump the Nightmare Family in favor of some other partner and win the titles that way.     

This may all seem kind of half-baked, but I looked up Allie on Wikipedia, and lo and behold, she held tag team gold in both Shine and Shimmer.    Her partner: One, Kimber Lee, currently signed to Impact Wrestling.  

So maybe Allie has plans to bring Kimber into AEW before kicking the Nightmare Family to the curb.   Then she’d have it all.   Tag titles, a nice contract for herself, her husband, and her good friend Kimber Lee, and who knows what else?     A small price to pay for pretending QT’s hair implants look good.   

[anghraine]

“in tongues and quiet sighs” - fic

Wherein I decided to write a Space Spanish(+ obligatory Space Swedish!) fic after all, once I got to thinking about how interesting the inherent complications are.

This was, incidentally, a monster to write despite being a short Chaucer fic. I think it’s been rattling around my hard drive for a month and a half.

fandom: Star Wars

verse: the “okay but about that earlier script where Jyn and Cassian make it out” continuity (i.e., with threshold of a dream, but not ad astra or any of the others, despite some commonalities)

characters: Leia Organa, Cassian Andor; Jyn Erso, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker (background Han/Leia and Jyn/Cassian)

length: 1k

stuff that happens: I meant it to be about Alderaanian among the Rebels in general, but it ended up being about Alderaanian and Leia, in the context of her relationship with Cassian.

I

“Alderaan has no weapons,” Princess Leia said, and it was true.

In that moment, they had no weapons. In the decades before, they had no weapons. Tarkin had no justification whatsoever for obliterating Alderaan: only the Death Star burning a hole in his pocket, and petty revenge on the princess.

That didn’t mean that Alderaan never had any weapons, of course. They’d voluntarily disarmed a good century before the Clone Wars. But there was a reason that Alderaanian spanned the galaxy, from the Core to the Outer Rim.

II

On the bright side, Leia’s first handler turned out to be a young, quiet, attractive man who shared her native language, if an unfamiliar dialect of it. On the every-other-side, Leia had a handler who didn’t tell her anything. Except to lecture, of course: do this, never do that, avoid that other one if you can.

“Su alteza,” said Cassian Andor, in the tone of strained patience that he always used with her, “no puede—”

“Teniente,” Leia returned, exactly mimicking his tone, “no puedes decirme—”

He was only twenty-two, but to judge by his sighs, twenty-two going on sixty.

And that was when he didn’t make her fight his murder droid.

III

Leia would not have said she cared one way or another about the atmosphere of the Rebellion’s bases. But insofar as she did, she liked the one on Yavin IV, at once their most secure and most expansive. Every day that she spent there, she saw more equipment and protocols and standardization. While she passed on whispers in the Senate, stolen codes, lent her diplomatic immunity to Rebel operations, the refuge at Yavin IV had become a real military base, against the backdrop of the temples and jungle.

She’d thought those magnificent from the first, which didn’t matter nearly as much, but a little: they lent a dignity to the hiding and secrecy, like Aldera. And though it looked nothing like Aldera, actual Alderaanian was everywhere��mostly alderés yavineso, clipped and rapid even to her ears, but also the familiar tones of Alderaan, the drawling alderés del exterior like Andor’s (alderés fiesteno, he always corrected, looking more murderous than usual), countless others, strange but readily comprehensible.

Afterwards, she didn’t know if she regretted that or not.

IV

General Draven had all the spirituality of a rock, but he took one glance at Leia and ordered her to medbay.

“Don’t worry,” he said, with one of his more incomprehensible looks, “you won’t be alone.”

When she saw Cassian Andor unconscious in the next room over, an unfamiliar woman sleeping in the chair beside his bed, enlightenment dawned. So did shock; they all thought him dead on that rogue mission—an infiltration so completely unauthorized and so necessary that after years in intelligence, she’d never respected him more.

Andor stirred and squinted at the doorway, then mumbled, “Infanta?”

The Basic was easier to bear, but Leia refused to flinch; she was still her mother’s daughter, and if la Infanta de Alderán now meant something very different, the image could help the Rebellion.

That was all that mattered.

V

Not long after they settled on Hoth, Han started extending “kid” to Leia as well as Luke. It was more baffling than infuriating; when he said it, he always looked an odd mixture of defensive, stubborn, and uncomfortable.

Since Luke snickered every time, Leia fixed her sternest stare on him and ordered, “Spill.”

“It’s because of what Commander Andor calls you,” he said, to her still greater bewilderment; she and Andor liked each other, but were far too much alike to bother with studied familiarity—comfortably, they stuck with titles.

“Infanta?” said Leia, and of course, she understood as soon as it left her mouth. Han didn’t speak even the clumps of Alderaanian that Luke had picked up—he must think—Force, he thought Andor, rigid at the best of times and attached at the hip to Jyn Erso for the last year, was—he was jealous of Andor?

Nothing, Leia had thought, could ever make the title anything except a splinter in her chest: but for one moment, she smiled.

VI

Leia, for reasons she didn’t care to interrogate, quite cheerfully let Han stew in jealousy of a colleague devoted to another woman. It was Luke who took pity on him and explained that a) infanta was her title, so kind of the opposite of a pet name, and b) Andor had probably never used a pet name for anyone in his entire life.

“Anyway, he’s Erso’s,” Luke said.

“They’re friends, like you and me,” replied Han, though he seemed mollified (as far as Leia, definitely not eavesdropping, could make out).

“Uh,” said Luke, “unless you’re planning on dragging me into a supply closet sometime soon, not really.”

Leia slipped away, satisfied—and the next time she saw Cassian Andor, smiled so broadly that he frowned and said, “¿Está bien?”

“Sí,” she said, and meant it.

VII

Luke liked languages, and somehow or another, he had acquired a smattering of nearly all the widespread ones. Though he tended to forget Alderaanian words around others, with Leia he spoke it near-fluently—which turned it into something of a private language around Han.

Leia didn’t really care, except that it seemed appropriate in some ill-defined way that she and Han reached (and shouted) over a chasm, while she and Luke sat on her bed speaking earnestly of words—he talked circles around the holes in his Alderaanian, and she’d repeat simple Tatooine phrases over and over, mitt namn är Leia, mitt namn är Leia, mitt namn är Leia.

Neither of them, however, expected Jyn Erso to appear in the silent way she had, interrupting Luke’s uhh wait, it should be subjunctive with an air of even greater stoicism than usual.

“Do you need something?” said Leia, curious but no more; she neither liked nor disliked Erso, who was so reserved, and so indifferent to virtually everyone, that people joked (safely out of earshot) that Andor had replaced one murder droid with another.

“Uh,” Erso said, and now she seemed outright uncomfortable, “if … theoretically, I wanted to pick up some Alderaanian, I was wondering if—not you, but if you knew someone who wouldn’t mind…?”

“Nah,” said Luke, and when Leia glared at him, he added, “you’ll have to stick with us.”

Notes!

LOL, this is probably longer than the actual fic, but:

1) Su alteza, no puede—: “Your Highness, you can't—” (formal).

2) Teniente, no puedes decirme—: “Lieutenant, you can't tell me—” Cassian uses the formal tense, while Leia makes a point of using the familiar one. I was imagining that things like 'usted' are prevalent in the more far-flung Alderaanian-speaking planets and nearly extinct in the Core, so partly it's a matter of dialect, but she's also unhappy with her junior position and emphasizing her status.

3) alderés yavineso: Yavinese Alderaanian

4) alderés del exterior: Outer Rim Alderaanian

5) alderés fiesteno: Alderaanian of Fest/Fieste. It's customary to lump all the Outer Rim dialects together, but irritating to the people who speak those dialects; it's a vast area with tons of differences. Leia has quite a few colonial attitudes.

6) Infanta?: Princess? I've mostly seen it in reference to Iberian princesses in particular (e.g., Catherine of Aragón = la Infanta Catalina), so I was imagining it as specific to Alderaan and maybe a few nearby planets.

7) la Infanta de Alderán: "the Princess of Alderaan." Alderaan doesn't seem quite right for Spanish and "Fest" is just... German (and as anyone who has followed me for awhile knows, one of my random pet hates), so I imagined that a lot of the names are approximations in Basic rather than the names they themselves use.

8) ¿Está bien?: "Are you well?" Even outside of their previous dynamic, Cassian persistently uses the formal tense. (I'd actually originally planned another section about the assorted hiccups caused by regional differences in formal/familiar forms—like, Kes Dameron accidentally offends Cassian by using Alderaanian, because everyone is tú in his dialect, but in Cassian's it's incredibly rude to use with a stranger, and certainly a superior officer. But I decided I wanted Han/Leia more :P)

9) “Though he tended to forget Alderaanian words around others, with Leia”: he’s genuinely learning, but I imagine the bond with Leia subconsciously lends an assist, at least when they’re near.

10) mitt namn är Leia, mitt namn är Leia, mitt namn är Leia: "my name is Leia, my name is Leia, my name is Leia" (Swedish). I've been deeply grumpy at fandom slapping on stereotypes and Google Translate onto any and all characters played by Latinx actors, while expending all sorts of energy and creativity on e.g. the Skywalkers (whose originator speaks with a decided Swedish accent). So when I got lured into Space Spanish by thinking about linguistic drift and tenses and other fatal attractions, I was determined to also include the Skywalkers as Space Swedes.