#while theres some that im like yeah this will be good cause blank is in it thats superrrr rare

[oh-no-its-bird]

HELPPP IM CRYING ACTUALLY IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE THEM???? HONORED TBH????? I love these silly little guys SO much I'm losing my mind over here that u like them enough to write smthn so long ab it, omg don't look at me rn I'm crying

I never thought too much ab Haruka's voice before but tbh now what u described it that way that's just the Official Haruka Voice Take (tm) actually, that is how she sounds now

"I've got nothing better to do, I think she's funny and I want to reinforce her bad habits <3" is so fucking funny and so fucking accurate, this is exactly what is happening in the twins minds actually.

In my notes for their personalities in my notesapp, I just wrote "They're genuinley just the fucking WORST to deal with. Their "I'm going to cause problems on purpose" dials got cranked up to 10 and got stuck that way at birth" which I think sums it up nicely.

I've been writing silly small stuff for them lately to hoard jealously in my notesapp and I think Haru has a genuine mean streak while Hiro is a lot more bark than bite— but also Haru looks and talks a bit gentler while Hiro acts and sounds rougher, so they often give off the opposite impressions. Don't worry Hiro, your brother will do what you aren't strong enough to (crime)

There's all sorts of fun layers to it too, like, considering they're from a clan who tries to shelter it's children— but they're also from the infamously bloody warring states period, who had to bring up their children much quicker and rougher than modern. I think Hiro would have made a wonderful modern day shinobi while Haru is a good example of the inherent violence of the warring states, just buried under good cheer and playfulness. Mmmm phycology,,,

I love their little trio with Shiruka, they are besties and she's also their first real friend their age, while she's kind of but not quite an outcast in her own clan due to her parents poor standing. She's older sibling coded and so tired of their shit but also quietly, perpetually amused by it, which is probably part of why she sticks around. That, plus their clear undying loyalty towards anything and anyone considered "theirs"— a list she's made it on and does her best to reply in kind

They are holding hands and will continue to hold hands together till they inevitably die at ~19 for the good of the village, yippie !!!

At least they'll get to live on in the memory of Hiname,,

Just kidding she dies like 3 years later, whoops!

BUT YEAH THEM !!! I love them so much, I had way too much fun thinking ab just the ecosystem for young shinobi in early konoha.

I have so many more thoughts ab it all tbh, theres no doubt tons of things happening as so many different people and clans settle in to a new normal but I ofc have my focus

I think I accidentally created some sort of little mystery/conflict with my silly meme of Shiruka going "he wants to order break into my clan heirs house" while also stating that she and her family aren't currently in good standing with the Nara main family.

I wasn't thinking ab it too hard when I drew it but now I'm sat over here like "girl why are you helping Haru break into your clan heirs home when you're already most likley on their (or at least their parents) shit list?? Who is the clan heir and why does Haru want to break into their house?? What drama is this??"

I'll probably think harder about it later, I feel like there's potential there

I need to stop thinking so hard ab potential early konoha narrative things bc I refuse to be consumed by it and know I very much will give in to The Voices if I continue

I say that but I'm absoloutley going to continue to think ab them. Actually.

Ough,,, Wolves of the Woods my beloved,,, one day I'll write u,,, one day,,

That said I'm also enamored with Tetsuo as clan heir (someone get him out of there!!!) He's great at it but also really, really does not want the position.

I think when he was younger and Tobirama was visiting the clan, he point blank begged him to take the position— But Tobirama said no, he's a Senju through and through and he's proud to be second to his Anija. A week later, and Tetsuo officially got the title (and maybe cried about it but only just a little and only on the inside)

(Tetsuo is still nursing a tiny grudge over this, though it's lessened slightly since Sakumo's birth)

POV he's in an especially bitchy mood and Tobirama asks him something and he just kind of grumbles, "oh, I'm sorry, are you my clan heir?"

Queue ??????? from like half of those present

He's so cute tho I think he has my favorite design of all of them. He dresses the fanciest for sure— Haruka totally owns similar things (I think the half and half haori is super cute and I want it to be a clan staple) but only wears it on occasions where she needs to, while he's more traditional/conscious of himself and his position, so he dresses like that all the time. He's probably the guy they send to the capital whenever it's necessary and the clan heads presence isn't needed

Random early konoha oc fun fact no one asked for: I have a vague messy fic idea from months ago now that basically amounts to "the Hatake's die before Madara defects to the village, and Kabuto, in practicing Orochimaru's edo tensei in preparation for the final battle, revives them— then manages to lose them in transport before they wake up. Not knowing any better, they flock to Madara to help in his fight"

I love time travel I love drama I love horrible misunderstandings and family/clan drama !!!!!

Uhh take some notes from that:

ANYWAYS THANKS SO MUCH IM SO GLAD U LIKE THEM SORRY FOR MY WORD VOMIT I JUST GET SO EXCITED AB THEM I COULD EXPLODE WITH IT ACTUALLY

Silly, early Konoha lore and oc things drawn while thinking about this post

!!! early konoha my beloved !!! I have so many thoughts ab it, I want to write a fic that's just silly early Konoha things viewed from the perspective of the less important clan members and their everyday lives. I'm aware the audience for that is incredibly small but I have too much fun just thinking ab it to really care!

Ichigo remains the only naruto oc Ive ever actually written for (in one step three steps), tho Haruka has been mentioned in multiple fics of mine now just bc she fills the role of Tobirama + Hashirama's blood aunt that I needed to be filled in my "Kakashi interacts with Tobirama w the knowledge that they are directly related" fics, of which there are now multiple

but yeah, take some silly art and lore comics !! I had fun while making these and will now probably put all these ocs on a shelf where I will not touch them for some more months

[mbat]

!! these were made using bases !! the bases will be linked below the cut!!

the cut is so the post isnt too long to scroll past, but also i will be talking about the au in it!!

decided to draw my own take on adult flurry heart, mostly so i could draw my own take on opaline in the au where opaline is like a nightmare moon of flurry heart. if youre wondering who the third pony is, its chrysalis' disguise for the au, named gentle heart.

flurry hearts base:

opalines bases (one for the body, the other was only for one of the wings):

gentle heart/chrysalis' base:

i had to use bases because ive been in such a weird art block lately, i just couldnt draw bodies right, but i was having this idea and i just had to get it out of me lol. i drew everything else just fine, idk why i couldnt draw bodies. shout out to elementbases on deviantart for having a lot of good mlp bases! and organized into categories no less!

btw for reference for adult flurry heart i mainly used images of her only adult appearance which was in some mobile game ?? i never played it but its real and its the only time we see her as an adult, though i dont think we get any details about her aside from how she looks. i just wanted to say that cause idk how many people know about it.

also yes her cutie mark is different between versions of her

so this is an au ive been tossing around for a while, especially since it started out as a half-theory i had about g5 before it truly did set in that they were just fucking up the entire thing (no hate to g5 or anyone who likes it but im personally just. disappointed), namely when they were like 'oh yeah opaline is just some alicorn that celestia and luna knew as kids and when they didnt want to play with her she held onto that for thousands of years and became evil over it'

also apparently the reason equestria is separated is because she just. idk whispered mean things in everyones ears? idk man i dont read the mlp comics, i plan to read g4s comics but not g5s. i didnt even know g5 had comics until i looked up why the pony kinds were separate.

anyway the idea was a theory because before all that we had no idea who opaline was, why there was some random alicorn, i mean, weve seen so few throughout g4! she was so mysterious for that, and i feel like the most popular idea was that she was flurry heart, since that was one of the few alicorns we knew of, and flurry is such a blank slate, especially since we dont technically ever see her adult form (with one exception)

i still personally think they shouldve gone that route but i know now that they wouldnt have, they probably wouldnt have wanted to give one of their previous characters, especially one like flurry, any bad traits or make her a villain, even though it would be such a cool idea. not to mention, they couldve redeemed her? idk man. worse villains have been redeemed lol

on to my au though. i wanted to keep it feeling like it couldve been canon but also stretching it just a little bit to make maybe more sense and also be more my creation, yknow?

we see at the end of g4 that chrysalis is trapped in stone alongside the other two villains she was working with, but we also know that these stone prisons can still be escaped, as we saw in discords introduction. my idea is that the stone is kept locked up, but unattended to, and she escapes, though her fellow villains dont. the specific details will be saved for if i go more in depth on all of this somewhere else lol

she develops a plan, that being to disguise herself as a normal pony, and to become staff at the crystal empire castle. that disguise is gentle heart, a name she literally made up because she was mocking the 'stupid' (from her perspective) names that ponies have, and she just kept it. while she works at the castle, she gets close to a young flurry heart.

she acts very extremely sickeningly nice and sweet in this disguise, but theres an uncanniness to it, a disingenuine undertone that is only noticeable when youre looking for it, really. flurry heart comes to love and trust her as a friend, and gentle heart isnt seen as suspicious to really anyone in the castle. people still think chrysalis is trapped in stone, after all.

her next step in the plan, however, is that when no one else is around, she shapeshifts herself into cadence or shining armor, and acts like a horrible parent to flurry heart. this creates a deep disconnect for flurry, as one moment her parents are the best ever, and the next they arent. if flurry tries to bring this up to them, they have no idea what shes talking about.

flurry begins to confide in gentle heart about this, and gentle heart begins to plant the idea in flurrys head that she should run away, and that gentle could run away with her. after a while of this, flurry finally decides to do this.

they run far, far away together, flurry being a child/young teenager, and they hide where no one else really goes, far from towns and pretty much any ponies. (this location hasnt been chosen yet but its not the mooost relevant? the basic point is that theyre hidden away) and they set up a home here.

soon in, gentle heart makes a decision. she shows her true form to flurry heart, a flurry heart who was never taught about how changelings used to be before their reformation, as her parents thought it was a conversation for when she was older. they didnt want her to feel paranoid, or scared. the changelings she knows are bright, and covered in generally round shapes. theyre not like the jagged and dark chrysalis.

gentle heart tells flurry that she was cursed. that her pony form is her true form, but she was cursed by the princesses to be in this form. being in her pony form drains her of energy, her changeling form recharges that energy. really, its just her excuse to not need to be in that pony form anymore. she tells flurry that she was cursed falsely, accused of a crime she did not commit. that she was made to work at the crystal castle so an eye could be kept on her. she asks to be called chrysalis, as being called gentle heart in this form feels wrong.

chrysalis right now is the only person in the world that flurry heart trusts, so she accepts this as truth.

as flurry heart grows up, chrysalis begins to plant ideas in her head that the other ponies are awful and horrible, just like her parents seemingly were. that flurry heart is better than all of them because shes not horrible, and on top of that, shes a natural alicorn. there hasnt been a natural born alicorn in thousands of years before her. flurry heart begins to believe all of this too. she doesnt have anyone or anything else to tell or show her otherwise.

these dark beliefs warp her appearance overtime, making her go from her parents daughter, into what we know as opaline, akin to princess luna turning into nightmare moon. she becomes annoyed with, averse to her cutesy name she was given by her family, and adopts the name opaline, both because of her crystal cutie mark, and because part of her still thinks of the crystal empire as her home, though now more like its hers to own someday.

speaking of, into her adulthood, opaline and chrysalis form a plan. a plan to take over equestria. the idea of being the ruler of all of pony kind was a natural conclusion that chrysalis wanted opaline to make, and so she did. their first step was to invade the crystal castle and take it over.

chrysalis tells her that cadence was never a fighter, so she shouldnt be an issue, but shining armor would be. if both chrysalis and opaline combined their power, they would easily overpower him and anyone else daring to fight them. the thing is... this works.

for a few reasons, actually. people were shocked at the return of chrysalis, and on top of that, despite her warped appearance, opaline was recognized as flurry heart. there isnt exactly many alicorns, and especially none that look similar to her. there was a fight put up, but not at full power. no one wanted to hurt the lost princess.

she takes over the empire, trapping any who oppose her, especially her parents. she doesnt even give them the option to talk to her. she plunges the empire back in dark days, not in the way that sombra did entirely, but still. shes strict on her subjects, and begins to make them like a military, planning to use them to invade canterlot. anyone who would dare come to attack the empire would be held off.

after she knows her subjects are loyal (terrified), and properly molded into an army, she storms canterlot, chrysalis by her side. its a hard fight, but they do it. they trap the other princesses, and they take over.

opalines first rule of business is to make the crystal empire the new capital, the new seat of power. for a while, this is the most drastic thing she does, otherwise going slow with her horrid ideas and changes.

the worse comes when shes already caused distrust and discomfort among ponykind, pitting ponies against eachother. she begins to decree that ponykind must be separated by type, designating towns to each, forcing ponies apart by law. she made sure it was enforced. she didnt need ponies coming together to rise against her, so she forced them apart. the damage is done.

this of course doesnt last forever. twilight is free and gathers the elements, and they take opaline by surprise, ending her reign. they empty the empire and trap her alone in her castle. thing is, she also trapped them in a limbo-like state, along with the other princesses (and her father), as they had also tried to join the fight. and a final blow to her, chrysalis got caught in crossfire, and was seemingly killed. no one intended it, but it happened. opaline is devastated.

and now, shes stuck. trapped alone in a castle in the middle of a city. she has the whole city alone to herself, and all she has now is the items left behind by her people, and mostly books. she only ever sees them as fiction or propaganda though, refusing to take them to heart and accept them as truth. alongside reading and re-reading the books around the city, she schemes of a way out. she is not very successful in this for a long time.

the closest she gets to getting out is when she opens the barrier just long enough to see, and kidnap, a young unicorn. a one misty brightdawn. she forces misty to be her only companion in a long time, and raises her like a daughter, but not lovingly.

some stuff continues on similar to canon, like misty befriending the mane 5 and leaving opaline behind, but i wont say more because i can keep some secrets for myself :] i do have an ending to her story planned though!

also pls ignore timeline and other canon contradictions pls pls pls pls pls lol

[megfloresprotectionsquad]

im so glad there's literally no one i recognize from previous works on the wilds. if this was studded with an all star cast or even one big name i would have been turned off honestly, im really sick of movies and shows relying on name power to get people to watch a show than it genineuly being a good show that gets new stars into the light. a reason i barely watch current movies is because im physically sick of seeing the same actors in everything, i think it makes a piece of media worse no matter what.

also, usually, a lot of new actors are better than the golden hollywood ones, just because they act their asses off in everything and give it a hundred percent and it's exciting to watch unknown actors act and nail it! so props to the wilds for casting lesser known women to star.

[bobcross1010]

okay >:3

*ahem* SO THIS IS THE SORCEVALIER AU MY POOKIE AND I MADE

So like. seocevalier 🤤🤤🤤 theres the kingdom knights (good (?) guys) and then the imperial soldiers (bad (??) guys) and y'know. Imperial soldiers are fighting against the kingdom and the king and all that

it all started with Toya righht cause he was like "man screw these nobles and screw the king. I'm running away" and Saki was kinda just like "lol ok" but Tsukasa was like "no" becAUSE (this is the angsty part)

The KING!!! King OTORI!!! ENU DAD!!!! is NOT A GOOD PERSON!! AT ALL!! He kind of just manipulated Tsukasa verryyyy slowly because he toon a 'liking' to him so very slowly Tsukasa was from "HAHAHAH IM A KNIGHT FUCK YEAH" to just. blank. emo. y'know y'know (can you tell i'm bad at explaining things) like he abuses him manipulates him and he even gave Tsukasa drugs?? that he masked as sleeping pills and Tsukasa js just unaware of it so every night he's just downing fucking drugs.

So basically the king is manipulating and abusing Tsukasa to the point where even Tsukasa has tried to khs multiple times but he's too like. manipulated yknow but one day he fails a mission and the king is realky passive aggressively mafumoming and Tsukasa is like "o shit" so he tries to khs again in the forest snd HE WOULD HAVE SUCCEEDED IF NOT FOR..

ruI KAMISHIRO!!! EVIL SORCERER APART OF THE INOERIAL SOLDIERS!!!! [cue cheesy cheer sfx]

He saves Tsukasa and brings hom to his cabin, and after Tsukasa wakes up Rui kinda just says "yeah you have to stay here for like a week to heal" and guess what happens in that week 😈😈 BONDING!!!!! At first its very slow yk yk cause Tsukasa does not want to be there he's just pissed he failed the mission and even more pissed that he failed to khs and even even more more pissed that he has to spend a fucking week with his enemy abd Rui here is just trying his best because he's trying to ger Tsukasa to realizie the king isnt a good person and things happen like Rui teaching Tsukasa magic (which is banned jn the kingdom), Rui trying desperately to give Tsukasa a hobby (he has none) (also he fails) and now they have like. trucies. by the end of the week they're acquantinces now!!! (fun fact: tsukasa actually calls it trucies and Rui just laughs at him)

So now Tsukasa is like "oh the king is bad :( but Buttttt :(((" while going back to the castle but the moment he sees the king again he's just like "nah he king is good why would I believe in the sorcerer???" Also Tsukasa tries to convince the king that magic isn't all that bad but ends up getting a slap in the face

So now heMs tryibg to avoud Rui but Mizuki and Akiro firce him to go out so they can help the less fortunate villages by giving them food and water and stuff and while they're handing out food Tsukasa goes intk the forest to take a break and finds Rui again, and they (reluctantly on Tsukasams saide) talj for a bit so the next day Tsukasa decides to visit Rui again so while he's out hoing on missions (coughcoughkilkingleiplecoughcough) or handing out food he takes some time tk visit Rui but eventually things start getting worse.

So Rui gave him a plant righr? He gave him a little seed but he never told him what flower it was and offered that Tsukasa grew it in his room so that's what he did. And he was genuinely kind of excited for it because it was like a metaphor between both Tsukasa and the plant finding out who they really were and what they wanted ykykyk growing as a person as a character as a plant but one day the plant goes MISSING!!

The KING TOOK THE PLANT FROM HIM. 😡😡😡 BOOOO KING BOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOO!!!

So now Tsujasa is really sad. And from there things start to get worse and worse for him, the king even forids him from going outside other than to compleye missions and one day when the king takes away another thing from Tsukasa he just snaps and he tries to khs AGAIN and Rui saves him again and in this scene theres a litrlw refernce sumbolism moment cause when Tsukas is sobbing shitting crying his magic kinda just spwels out of control and he starts unconsciously growing mushrooms on his head and arpund them

Now I'm on a time crunch here. So basically im just gonna make a list of everything that happens after

-Tsukasa is gone flr another week cause he foesnt wanna go back

-Miku finds oht ab rui and tsukasa and is just ok with it

-Mizuki finds him, now they know about it too and the four of them are a little group trying to fidn a way out of all this

-AKITO finds out now you have a full card set!

-The king drugs tsukasa even stronger this time and he trjss to kill rui but then passes out

-They create a plan to get rid of both the king and Toya because turns out toya is just as bad as the king now because why are you burning down innocent villages so you can kill the king

-Theres a whole flashback scene and Tsukasa gains rhe power of acceptance (scott-pilgrim style)

-During a festival to commemorate the anniversary of the kingdom, the king makes a public announcement and the white knights + minori + the rest of the otori fam are to be at his side

-KAITO tries to assassinate the king and misses caus ehe's a bit of a dumbass

-The king gets mad at Tsukasa for 'not protecting him'

-Tsukasa snaps and kills the king in front of everyone

-Toya jumps in and tries to take the crown

-Miku and Rui come in and just go "FUCK YOU TOYA. STUPID ASS BITCH"

-Tsukasa kills Toya

-REVOLUTION!! No more monarchy, they're making a democracy

And after this Tsukasa decides to quit being a knight so he and Rui decide to travel around the continent together to visit other kingdoms

and thats the end :3

I KNOW I EXPLAINED IT HORRIBLY LMAO I WAS ON A TIME CRUNCH I DONT WANT MY MCDONALDS TO GET COLD BUT I HAVE PRIPRTIES ALSO FOR FUN TAKE A LITTLE SNIPPET:

It didn’t matter if the bullet missed. The king was dying, he was dying today.

There was a buzzing, an irritating ring in his ear as the king yelled at him. He couldn't hear properly, his words were muddled and distorted as if he was underwater.

He couldn't care. He didn't care. He didn't fucking care, because all that ran through his mind was-

"..Shut up."

The king paused. "Excuse me?"

"I said, SHUT THE FUCK UP-!!!"

And like the strings of a puppet, a marionette breaking apart, Tsukasa snapped.

Tsukasa pulled away from the king, teeth gritted as he for his sword.

His ears were ringing and his mind was foggy, his actions didn’t feel like his own. All the pain, all the rage, every feeling he’d pushed deep down was coming out.

“I am SICK of the SCREAMING, the YELLING, every punishment for every failure that wasn’t MY FAULT! I am not your doll, I am not punching bag, and I am NOT your fucking KNIGHT-!”

“Tenma-“

“SHUT UP!”

He felt his sword collide with flesh.

Again.

And again.

And again.

“Shut up. Shut up! Shut up, SHUT UP—!!”

He wasn't thinking.

He wasn't thinking at all, he wasn't feeling.

He didn't feel anything as the blood pooled out onto the ground, he didn't feel anything as the blood splattered onto his face, his clothes, his sword.

He could only do it again.

In and out, his sword plunging deep into the king's stomach, then out again, and the vicious cycle continued. His body fell to the floor, an agonizing screech reverberating throughout the entire kingdom.

He did not care.

Tsukasa kneeled over his body, stabbing and stabbing and stabbing the king again and again.

The king who caused him pain.

The king who caused him suffering.

The king who was the reason for every single moment of torture he received.

The king who was the reason for wanting to die, to die and kill himself so fucking badly over a single mistake.

The king who manipulated him.

The king who turned him into a puppet, a doll to toy with and break apart at the seams.

The king who forced him to blindly follow his orders without question.

The king who drugged him.

Who abused him.

Who tortured him.

Who did everything that caused this.

"I hate you," Tsukasa breathed out.

And then he screamed.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!"

:3

Let's play a game someone tell me your au ideas or talk about ur ocs or anything else u want, just take a long time writing this out and ill be drawing while waiting for u to finish it and this will keep me on track and I'll be able to focus bc I have smth to wait for and can draw but have to keep track of so can't be distracted by other things

[knullanon]

Lex Luthor with 33?

before writing- oof vibes are only angst but i do have an idea (also yes im using Kit if u remember him then u deserve a veterans award for remembering my useless bitches i create while writing)

after writing- using my dads quotes that he told me at a young age is really making me cry but its for the plot. also poor kit. f in the chat everybody also got too invested in this so yes theres a bonus

ilomilo - billie eilish

the gala was the longest one you had been to yet. you were almost glad, however. it gave you more time to talk to kit.

kit was the nicest boy you’ve ever met. he was the one to give you a view on the outside world. he was the one to help you make new friends in your situations. he was the one to treat you like an actual human being.

and here he was, sitting with you and laughing on your phones about some meme you’ve seen. he was the one who you liked: like, really liked. had a crush on kind of liked.

it felt stupid. it even felt childish. you didn’t want to have these feelings. it made you feel like a child. you didn’t want to have these feelings so you wouldn’t be hurt. even if you knew most of his words weren’t true, lex had always warned you about boys at a young age. how did he put it?

“the only thing they will think about when they look at you is how they can improve their status or how they can manipulate you. do you understand me?”

he always made you promise that no, you weren’t going to get a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, for that matter. he said that the only thing that you would end up with is a broken heart and a messed up sense of trust. he said you would just be running from one person to another trying to gain love only to be dropped after they got what was needed out of you.

and even if you knew that his words were just to keep you with him, that doesn’t mean they just went out of your head. after you hear things for a while, they start to become real. you didn’t want to have lex tell you something along the lines of “i told you so”

however, whenever you were with kit, it felt like those worries weren’t even there. even if there was a nagging feeling about trusting him, you ignored it because of what kit gave you: freedom. 

he wouldn’t only talk to you because you were _____ luthor, he wouldn’t only talk to you just because he wanted your money, or power, he wanted to talk to you because of you. he liked who you were as a person, not who you were as a child of a celebrity.

maybe that’s why you gained a crush on him. because he reminded you of before you met lex. maybe you just liked him as a person, like he did you.

“_____, did you see what happened last night?” kit had asked, still snickering from the news article he showed you. you laughed. 

“oh, wow, what party did you attend to this time?”

“none, at all actually: the entire city was on lockdown.”

“really?” you asked, turning to him. “which villain caused a mass murder this time, then?”

kit shrugged. “not really a mass murder, more of a... robbery.”

you rolled your eyes. “really? a city lockdown because of a small robbery?”

“a small robbery from one of lexcorp’s own warehouses.” 

that got your attention. “how much?”

“a small multi-million dollar heist-”

“oh, stop making fun of me, I didn’t know!”

“it was a small price to pay, apparently-”

“stop!” you playfully shoved him out of his seat, and he fell right on his ass. you gasped and when you saw that he wasn’t moving, you quickly got up and bent down to where he was sitting. “kit? goddamnit, kit-”

when he jumped up from the ground, his hands acting like they were going to grab you, you jumped back. stumbling, the back of you knee caught the seat you were sitting on, so instead of falling on your own ass, you fell into the seat.

as he laughed, you whispered, “kit, you ass!” he sat back into his chair, before saying (between laughs), “sorry, sorry. it was too much of a good opportunity to miss.” you huffed and went on the phone he had given you. you looked at the news, and sure enough, there was a robbery on one of the lexcorp warehouses, and yes, the things that were stolen were at least millions of dollars in profit.

“now that i’m looking at it, maybe that’s why my dad was all talking last night.”

“of course he would be, ______, there was millions of dollar worth of tech stolen-”

“oh, i know, kit, don’t be a bitch!”

it was silent for a little while, besides showing each other memes and laughing. it felt nice. it wasn’t awkward, in fact it was nice. just showing your friend funny photos that made you laugh was enough for you.

1:10. this was the latest you’ve ever been at a gala. it was supposed to last until 4, so you could understand why, but it still felt weird. it was like... going to school at night. you recognize the place, but it felt so weird.

“hey, _____.” you turned towards kit, who was now looking at a blank screen.

“yeah, what’s up?”

“you said that... you said that you’re never allowed to go anywhere, right? that you don’t even know where your real family is?”

you shifted uncomfortably. “well, yes, but why are you asking me this?”

his fingers turned white from the pressure on his phone. “well... you don’t seem happy whenever you’re with him, I guess. it feels like you don’t want to be there. 

you could say that again.

“and... and you’ve been my friend for months, now... I don’t want to see you hurt because of someone else’s actions... so... I was wondering if... you wanted to live with me?”

the last bit came out rushed, and yet, it still made you wonder. what if you could leave? what if you could live with your friend, your only friend, instead of your over protective father?

“I know its stupid, I shouldn’t have asked that. it’s fine.” he continued. 

“no, it’s... comforting.” you looked at him straight in the eyes. “I’m glad that you like me so much you would risk me being in your house. of course, I’m going to have to say no, but I still... I still appreciate that you would ask that.”

he gave you a small smile, and asked, “are you sure you’re going to be ok?”

you smiled at him. “maybe. I don’t know. if I don’t, then I could always take up your offer.”

you both sat in silence for a while, before his phone buzzed. looking at your phone, you saw it was at least 1:40. almost time to go. and you didn’t want mercy, or pray to god, lex to find you with him.

looking at kit, you asked, “you wanna head back?”

he smiled. “yeah. lets go back before we both fall on our asses.” 

~~~~~

walking down the large corridor felt strange. it was like something was going to happen soon. you didn’t know what, but something.

“so then, I asked him why he was being such an asshole, and he told me-”

“______.”

turning around, you saw mercy standing just a few meters away from you both. you quickly set some distance in between the two of you, to make sure that you were following the rules, but she didn’t seemed focused on you. instead, she was focused on kit.

she gave a small nod of acknowledgement to him. “kit is your name, right?”

he gave a shaky nod. “where were you last night?”

“excuse me-”

“where were you. last night.” every word seemed to be gritted out of her teeth.

“well, I was in my home. with my father. why?”

“really? at home with your father? and not at my warehouse, stealing my technology?”

you almost didn’t want lex to be here, but you also wanted to know why mercy hadn’t shot out kit’s brains yet.

“wh- excuse me?”

lex rolled his eyes. “I don’t need to hear excuses from you, boy, what I want to know is why you were stealing my tech, and why you used my daughter as your way to get this tech.”

wait, what?

“you’ve been using me for what?”

kit seemed to be panicking. did he- was he really using you for that?

“oh, you think I wouldn’t have found out? giving my daughter a phone so you could get into my systems and find out the codes for the doors? that you’ve been using my money for months without my knowledge? that you’ve been using my daughter for you own gain? for your own families gain?”

turning to him, you saw him try to make up some excuse about whatever he had done, but it was too late.

“freeze! put your hands in the air!”

you didn’t even see the police in the hallway, only mercy dragging you out towards the exit of the gala. 

when you turned back to kit, you felt like a child. did you really trust him? did you trust him this much for it to be that he was only using you? you didn’t want to think about it. the only thing you wanted was to go home.

________________

BONUS:

“did you really think you could take my daughter away from me?”

looking up from his seat, kit saw lex sitting across from him. currently, they were in a courthouse. waiting for his trial.

“... it’s not right to keep her inside like a pet.”

he knew he pissed off lex now, but he didn’t care. his life was ruined now. it shouldn’t matter.

lex got out of his chair and said, “you know, I was thinking of letting you off on a plea deal, but honestly, now, I’m thinking of giving you a worse fate than your father.”

a plea deal? kit froze. did he just throw out any chance to see you again?

“if you’re thinking you just threw out a chance to see my daughter again, you’re right, but lets be real here:”

lex put his hands on the table and got close to kits face, barely inches away.

“she will never look at you the same way after you go to prison for 58 years.”

and with that, lex left kit to rot in his own depression, happy to give the boy more pain than ever.

[pansunset]

okay time for a theatre hot take about historical musicals. im gonna split this into two posts, one about hamilton and one about six. because while the easiest way to put it is “hamilton bad six good”, there’s a bit more nuance to my opinion on them both than that.

First off, all the cast members are insanely talented, especially Leslie Odom Jr, Daveed Diggs, Christopher Jackson, Phillipa Soo, and Reneé Elise Goldberry. Even though the people they played were varying degrees of assholes, they managed to make them feel compelling. Credit where its due.

anyway, lmm is a good songwriter, the issues with hamilton come from the glorification of the historical figures portrayed. if hamilton was more critical of these individuals, it might not have been such a... yeah.

the hardest hitting songs are the songs that delve into the personal lives of the individuals rather than politics. Satisfied, Wait for It, Helpless, Burn, Dear Theodosia, It’s Quiet Uptown... these are all incredibly emotional and raw. Aaron Burr was a fascinating individual and all of his songs reflect this, honestly. IRL, Burr was actually one of the least scummy of the cast, though because he wasn’t very fond of Hamilton, he is villanized. unsexy. Leslie Odom Jr. has such a powerful voice and does an incredible job as Burr.

some of the songs about the war are also decent works. Stay Alive talks about the actual conditions the American militia put themselves through, and The World Turned Upside Down, while it’s a very patriotic (ew) pov, is still a well written victory anthem. the most interesting one is History Has It’s Eyes on You, and having Washington sing it was a great choice. it’s one of the few songs where a founding father is looked at critically for their failings, and said founding father point blank says that those who come next will judge whatever you do. Christopher Jackson is an amazing vocalist and he actually has talked about his struggle to play Washington despite Washington being a dick.

the songs about politics tend to fall flat because they oversimplify the actual views of the main character and paint everyone around him as either a villain or ally based on whether they liked Hamilton. the cabinet battles especially are pretty cringe. there are a couple exceptions that I’ll discuss in a moment, but first, a character analysis tangent.

Thomas Jefferson is... an interesting case. Irl, the man was a disaster of a person. He came down with migraines from talking to women, was generally considered a weirdo, and was the original “rich person who buys expensive versions of the ugliest clothes and acts like he’s presentable”. Yet aside from one line in It Must Be Nice, he’s portrayed as a extravagant, dramatic, yet mildly charming asshole. His costume is bright purple, he carries a fancy cane. Like, ignoring the fact that its inappropriate to ever make Thomas Jefferson seem charming, this isn’t even accurate to who he was as a person. He was less sociable than Isaac Newton for fucks sake. The only accurate thing is being a france weeb and being a worse debater than Hamilton.

Anyway, speaking of It Must Be Nice, its one of the few good political songs. It’s critical of Hamilton and it explains why the Madison and Jefferson hate his guts (though for stupid reasons). Furthermore, it also explains the political climate of the day better than other political songs in the musical. The other two good ones are, of course, The Room Where it Happens and Your Obedient Servant.

The Room Where It Happens is not only an amazing breaking point for Burr to stop waiting around, it’s the one time in the musical where the real Alexander Hamilton is best represented. (Hamilton in yellow, Burr in blue)

“Or did you know even then it doesn't matter where you put the U.S. capital?

Cause we'll have the banks, we're in the same spot

You got more than you gave

And I wanted what I got

When you got skin in the game, you stay in the game

But you don't get a win unless you play in the game

Oh, you get love for it, you get hate for it

But you get nothing if you wait for it

God help and forgive me

I wanna build something that's gonna outlive me.”

This is the real Hamilton. The facade of caring about ideals is gone, and the truth is bared; Alexander Hamilton was a smooth talker who only did things when he saw it could benefit him in some way. The man was obsessed with his legacy, and anything that got in the way of him building one was just collateral. Yes he was crass and loud, but guess what? That usually meant he was heard over everyone else. Burr only just realized that the whole “scrappy underdog” act was just that; an act

Your Obedient Servant is Burr calling out Hamilton for going back on everything he claimed to believe just to keep Burr from the nomination. Fun fact: the 1800 election was not a landslide victory. It was incredibly close. Hamilton’s endorsement was probably what kept it from being a tie.

Hamilton tries to defend himself by projecting his flaws onto Burr. “I am not the reason no one trusts you, no one knows what you believe” isn’t an accurate depiction of Burr in the slightest. Burr actually quite enjoyed politics and debates, and none of his setbacks ever kept him down for long. He cared very little for what his contemporaries thought of him though: He relied on the merits of his points. A lot of his correspondence was left to his daughter, Theodosia, and was lost on the shipwreck that killed her, so theres a lot we don’t know about him. But the musical depiction of him is not really accurate.

The problem with Hamilton isnt that it’s a musical about the founding fathers. Its that it grossly misrepresents those founding fathers. It never considers the thoughts of the slaves of any of the main characters. It never considers the Native American perspective on the Revolutionary War. It mocks John Adams, despite him being one of the few founding fathers who not only didn’t own slaves, but publicly berated his contemporaries for relying on slavery. It does a great deal of injustice to Burr. It woobifies the Schylers. For fucks sake, it forgot Benedict Arnold. Ya know, one of the most famous spies? Who almost cost America the War?

Its impact on modern political discussion and internet culture is also kind of a net negative, save for the production “The Haunting of LMM”. Its status as a fucking joke these days is earned. Though it has some good songs, and the fact that it got an official recording means good things for the future of Broadway accessibility, it’s a hot mess and is an example of how not to do a historical musical.

[dustinnnaaa]

Omg no way im back 😗👌 @crazyaboutart15 @anto-19-nella-blog

Ray: hey don

Don:?

Ray: linsday told me you liked dei

Don: linsday you little

Ray: yeah she gets involved with everyones crush so i had a idea,

Don: im listening

Ray: were gonna get revenge, everytime she annoys us we annoy her with norman

Don: heh im in >:)

*later on*

Emma: so i heard of this game called would you rather, anybody in

Allie: sure ¦)

Linsday: yeah

*some other people join in and walking in the forest to find a good spot to play, linsday looking a little blushed as to how norman offered to walk with her*

Don: heh look at you lin, you look like one of the cherrys off george washintons cherry tree ~

Linsday: i...... Shut it

Ray: or what?

Linsday in her head *ugh i should of saw this coming*

Allie: hey guys this seems like a good spot theres some wood we can sit on too :).

Linsday: yeah ray oh that gave me a song in mind

Ray: dont you dare....

Linsday wispers sings it to not make her look suspicious* ray and allie sitting in a tree k-i-s

Ray: *walks fast to go and sit down so he doesnt cause any drama while looking a bit fustered but annoyed*

Allie: hey ray, you can sit next to me

Ray: heh sure

*everybody is getting settled in while opposite ray is linsday lip singing the words ray and allie siiting in a tree-*

*ray gives her a death stare and she just stops as the game starts*

Emma: would you rather uhhhh hug or slap the person next to you (this was to all of them)

Allie and ray look at eachother*

Ray: i would never slap you

Allie: nope me either

Linsday: so its settled HUG

*ray a bit red while allie goes in for a hug, ray hugged her and as he did, he didnt want to let go*

Linsday: you can let go of your princess now ray, shes not gonna run away

Ray: *cracking his knuckes and wispers* your d-e-a-d

Linsday: oooo im so scared

(i have no clue for part 2 soooooooooo reblog if u have ideas if not dont worry my mind is blank too :/)

[irwen-s]

03

joyrene / age regression

shes not surprised when it happens. the signs had been obvious enough to pick up on, growing more frequent with each passing day, joohyuns silence stretching on for longer periods of time.

the way her eyes looked a bit too shiny beneath the kitchen lights. the way each first step was more of a wobble. joohyuns absentminded, blank expression that evening throughout dinner. 

its not a surprise when it happens.

her door creaks open around an hour after they had all turned in for the night, the dorm dark and quiet with sleep. too heavy of a sleeper, sooyoung doesnt wake up until the bed dips and something soft and warm presses up against her back beneath the comforter.

she lets out a drowsy exhale, still lacking the energy to open her eyes. “joohyunnie?” sooyoung mumbles sleepily. 

she hears a quiet sniffle as the warm bundle presses closer, causing sooyoung’s eyes to flutter open, concern already taking over before her brain can fully wake up.

twisting around so that her back faces the wall, sooyoung comes face to face with joohyuns huddled form beneath her blankets. in the dark of the room, she can make out wet tear tracks running down her cheeks, her eyes squeezed shut as she cries silently. 

even time after time throughout the years shes witnessed joohyun like this, something sharp and gut-wrenching still unfailingly stabs through her, still makes her chest tighten painfully in overwhelming anguish. 

“baby,” sooyoung croaks hoarsely. she’s quickly pulling joohyun into her embrace, muffling a breathy cry against her chest as she hugs the smaller girl tightly in her arms. “hyunnie, baby, sooyoungie’s here, sooyoungie’s got you. you’re okay, baby. you’re okay.”

she feels tears wetting the front of her shirt as joohyun curls into her, face pressed into her chest and fingers clutching desperately onto her. shoulders trembling mutedly with too much fragility.

sooyoung’s heart breaks. 

“darling, its okay. let it out, hyunnie,” she whispers softly, and thats all it takes. 

a pained, gasping sob is clawed out of her throat, and then joohyun starts to cry in earnest. her shoulders shake with small hiccups as tears leak out from the corner of her eyes, her nose running messily. 

sooyoung brushes the hair back from joohyuns face, holds her close, lets her fall apart in her arms. she tucks the smaller girl under her chin, rubs slow, soothing circles against her back beneath her shirt, hums softly under her breath so that her chest vibrates with her voice where joohyun is pressed against her. she lets her heartbeat slow in hopes that it will calm joohyuns down too. 

“thats it, baby,” sooyoung murmurs gently as joohyun lets out a shuddery sob, a little louder and more choked than the rest. “just let it out. sooyoungie has you, baby, you’re okay.” 

small fingers are curled into her shirt as joohyun clings tightly onto her, and sooyoungs heart aches at the sight of her being unable to hold back her tears. at least this time, joohyun isnt trying to stifle the noise, like her volume is a bad thing and shes meant to go unnoticed. at least this time, shes a little louder.

joohyun chokes on a sob, hiccups, and then seems to gag. sooyoung quickly sits up, pulling joohyun into her lap, and she rubs her back and murmurs soothingly, “breathe, hyunnie, breathe. youre okay, darling, just breathe.” tears spill out from her closed eyelids as joohyun dry heaves, her thin, narrow frame being wracked too sharply by the force of her coughs. 

she waits patiently as joohyun gasps and chokes out the last few sobs before her breath hitches and she exhales, panting with the effort to finally regain her breathing.

sooyoung reaches for the tissues on her bedside table and then dabs at joohyuns cheeks, rubbing her back as she begins to calm down. “thats it, baby, just breathe for me. you’re okay, now. sooyoungie’s so proud of you, hyunnie.” 

even after wiping away joohyuns tears, fresh ones still leak out from her closed eyes, which are visibly puffy and swollen even in the dark. sooyoung smooths her hair back, grabs the cup of water next to the tissue box. she gently coaxes joohyun to drink some water, helps tilt the glass back as joohyun slowly swallows. 

“im so proud of you, hyun,” sooyoung whispers again as joohyun nestles into her arms after she puts the glass away.

shes about to lead them to lie back down on the bed when she feels joohyun mouthing at her shirt, and sooyoung instantly understands. 

gently, she holds joohyun back, eliciting a small whimper that sooyoung quickly soothes with her hand against joohyuns cheek. “one second, baby, just hold on for sooyoungie,” she reassures, and then quickly pulls her shirt over her head, tossing it to the side. 

she guides joohyun forward until her mouth bumps against her breast, and sooyoung watches with quiet affection as joohyuns lips automatically open to latch onto her nipple. she lets out a slow, content sigh as she feels joohyun begin to suckle. 

“good girl, hyunnie, sooyoungie’s so proud,” sooyoung murmurs, stroking joohyuns hair. she carefully leans them back until theyre lying on the bed, joohyun curled against her chest with her mouth still attached to her, warm against sooyoungs bare skin. her fingers trace along the knobs of joohyuns spine, light and reassuring. 

the comforter is pulled back over them, and sooyoung cradles her hand against the back of joohyuns head. she waits for joohyuns suckling to gradually slow, for her breathing to even out, for her lips to still around her nipple. only then does sooyoung press a soft kiss to joohyuns forehead, finally closing her eyes. 

“sweet dreams, hyunnie.” 

— 

seulgi and yerim are seated at the dining table talking and laughing quietly the next morning when sooyoung emerges from the hallway, joohyun in her arms. they look up in surprise, but then the corner of seulgis lips are tugging upwards while yerim’s face softens with fondness. 

“good morning, sooyoung-ah,” seulgi greets, and sooyoung gives her a brief, tired smile. 

she moves her gaze to joohyun, who has her face tucked against sooyoung’s neck, her thumb in her mouth. 

“good morning, hyunnie,” seulgi says gently.

half-lidded eyes blink at her drowsily, and seulgi resists the urge to coo at how cute joohyun looks. she doesnt miss how puffy and swollen her eyes look though, but she’s sure that sooyoung has taken care of it. 

seungwan had been humming as she worked on finishing up breakfast in the kitchen, but she turns around then at the commotion. spotting sooyoung and the familiar bundle in her arms, she wipes her hands on her apron and approaches them with a smile. 

“did she sleep with you again?” seungwan murmurs, resting her hand against joohyuns lower back. they watch as yerim gently runs the pad of her thumb along the shell of joohyuns ear, whispering a quiet “hi, hyunnie” when joohyun leans slightly into her touch. 

“yeah,” sooyoung says after a moment. she adjusts her grip on joohyun, arm curled protectively around her back. “she was crying really hard.”

“poor baby,” seungwan sighs. “shes been so stressed lately. i’m glad she can let it out now, at least.”

yerim takes a step back as seungwan turns to joohyun, whose gaze slowly slides away from yerim toward her. 

“are you still sleepy, hyunnie?” she asks in a low voice, cupping her cheek. the soft, breathy exhale as joohyuns eyelids flutter is all the answer seungwan needs, and she coos, her thumb rubbing behind joohyuns ear soothingly.

once seungwan pulls away, sooyoung waits as yerim leans in to give joohyun a small kiss to her temple. “i’ll rock her to sleep,” sooyoung says then, rubbing slow circles against joohyuns back beneath her shirt. joohyun stirs at the touch, exhaling quietly. 

“we saved you both some food for later,” seulgi reassures, resting a hand on sooyoungs shoulder. “wannie made eggrolls and soup.” 

sooyoung gives her a grateful smile. “thanks unnie.” 

with one last nod at yerim and seungwan, sooyoung turns away, moving back toward the hallway in the direction of her room.

“lets get you back to bed, baby,” she murmurs softly, carding her fingers through joohyuns hair. theres a breathy sigh against her neck, and then joohyun nestles closer, her eyes finally slipping shut. 

[hardyshoe]

benefits- a roger Taylor series

part four

warnings- pregnancy and language

a/n; another chapter? yes indeed, I have far too much time on my hands and I enjoy writing this series even though its not any good. 

*phone ringing*

 “hello, is this miss y/l/n?”

“yes it it”

“just calling to confirm your appointment today at 2.”

“uh yeah thats good”

“wonderful we’ll se you later then”

you'd been waiting for the call for the last week, no earlier appointments were available. so in the meantime you'd been alone, well not quite you had the company of the baby but judging by your guesses it could only be about 6 ish weeks old. it felt funny knowing there was a little thing inside of you and found your hands resting on your still flat stomach from time to time.

 mary had promised to come with you to the doctors, she’d been wonderful the last few days and stayed true to her promise of not telling anyone. she came around one thirty to pick you up and the two of you made your way the the hospital on the tube.

 it took everything in you not to hurl at the smell of the cheese and onion crisps the man next to you was eating. your stomach had been awful, not letting you keep a thing down other than plain popcorn and celery. this caused you to loose a bit of weight and you'd fainted the day prior from hunger. it wasn't good for you or the baby but you couldnt keep throwing up four times a day.

 the waiting room of the clinic was full of women with their husbands cradling round stomachs and ultrasound pictures, your heart longed to be like that with roger. you had to stop thinking like that it wasn't doing you any good. a little boy ran up to you and Mary wanting to show off his action figures and you'd normally have played along but for some reason the exited look in his eye made you want to cry. the boys mother came and took him away and apologised to you just as your name was called.

 “miss y/l/n please.”

 smoothing your shirt as you stood up you began to walk over to the exam room where everything would be 100% confirmed, no doubt. 

 “good afternoon miss, I'm doctor Maria. how are you?” she had a smile on her gentle face which calmed you down a little.

“im not great if I'm being honest, I can't keep any food down and I've never Benn more restless”

 “well thats very common, the sickness should subside at about 12 weeks. and is the father here?”

 that question. you knew it would come at some point but you didn't know how to answer. thankfully Mary saw the pained look in your eyes and stepped in, “he actually doesn't know and its not a good time to tell him unfortunately”

“thats alright, no worries. now y/n when was your last period?”

“oh um I actually don't know, id not really keep track. maybe a couple moths ago”

 “well we can probably get a good idea from the scan so take a seat and we’ll take a look”

 you were a little reluctant in your movements but soon eased into the exam table, happy to rest for a bit.

 “cold gel alright?” you nodded and hissed at the coolness on your abdomen.

 it was silent at first but after a minute a sound like a train ripping past filled the room, and a blurry grey image popped up on the monitor. you couldn't tell what was meant to be what and for a while no one said anything, the doctor looked like she was seeing something that neither you or Mary were.

 Mary could see you were panicking a bit and asked the doctor what was wrong “is everything alright? you look worried”

“oh yes everything’s alright, y/n how far along do you think you are?”

“um 6 weeks maybe?” you were going solely of when you and roger last fucked and you'd read somewhere it takes a week or so for the egg to get fertilised and settle, though really you had no idea.

“ right well your actually about 11 weeks along”

“what!?” that seemed impossible. if that were true then you had been pregnant nearly three months and roger had knocked you up a while before he left.

“yeah I'm surprised you haven't started to show yet” 

this confused you as you were under the impression women didn't normally start showing until the second trimester. Mary spoke up and seconded your thoughts.

“well yes that is normally the case but if you look here,” she moves the scanner on your stomach and pointed to something unrecognisable on the screen. “theres actually two babies in there”

 you went blank at her words. sure you could handle one baby on your own, it was an even match but two? there was so much going on in your head. if roger wouldn't accept one how the hell would he want two. how would you afford two babies on your small income. where would two babies and their things fit in you tiny one bedroom flat? and how on earth wo-

“y/n? did you hear me?”

“huh? no I'm sorry I zoned out” your throat was dry and you wanted to cry again.

“I said its too early to tell the genders but they are both healthy and keep eating as much as you can. you should start showing in a few weeks and I’ve booked you in for an appointment at 20 weeks so ill see you then”

that was it, you left the doctors office and went home on the tube with Mary. neither of you said anything, there was nothing to be said. the whole situation just got a hell of a lot more intense; not only were you basically at the end of your first trimester but you were having twins, and roger didn't even know you were pregnant. fuck why couldn't you just stop thinking about him, he didn't care, probably hadn't even crossed his mind.

-a few weeks later-

the doctor was right, you did start showing and rather rapidly. you'd had to go buy new cloths already and sleeping was getting more uncomfortable. on the bright side though your morning sickness had subsided and you'd even felt a few kicks from the babies at about 16 weeks. you were 19 weeks along now and nearing the next appointment, you'd find out the genders of the babies you actually gotten very attached to. you were careful with what you ate and avoided anything dangerous to yourself, this included lifting heavy things so despite the want you couldn't rearrange your flat to make it more homely.

 roger still hadn't called, you resented him for it. he didn't know of course how could he? but you longed to pick up the phone to him cheeky voice again. the radio no longer got played in your flat because every time you turned it on one go queens would play and you'd start crying. they were over half way through the tour and when they got back you be coming up to seven months along, the thought made you shudder. you were already big and by then you be huge. but if everything went to plan he'd still have no idea.

 through it all Mary had been a saint, she brought you groceries and cloths when you continued to outgrow the new ones. you didn't want to leave the house for fear of bumping into someone, having the conversation about the father and how far along you were was just a bit too much, god back on roger again.

it was all a bit much to be honest and soon enough you'd start nesting and then all of what little savings you had would be gone on baby things. in two days you'd be 20 weeks, halfway through and it seemed like you'd never make it. not with the amount of times you doubted yourself or told yourself you wouldn't be a good mother or that you mess up and wouldn't be able to handle it. the time was going a little too fast for you to keep up.

[suenala]

BTS-story ; well, here i am.

episode 4 ; 'she's cocky.'

prev. < tsilretsam

[genre] ; fluff

[fandom] ; 방탄소년단

[⚠] ; cuss must bust

–

-

Fee: "Hey yn," -she talks from behind her locker door-

Yn: "Hm?" -i start changing my clothes and shoving everything into my duffle bag and then shoving THAT into my locker-

Fee: "What's your number?"

Yn: "You have my number...?"

Fee: "No i dont..?"

Yn: "Yes you do...?"

Fee: "Well, tell me, i don't remember then."

Yn: "Oh, fine its 25326-'

Fee: "No you idiot, your fucking number on your tag!" -she doesn't even look at me and smacks me on the back of my head-

Yn: "Oh, uh..25, how 'bout you?" -i sit on the bench behind me, rubbing my head-

Fee: "Dang, 46."

Yn: "Dang?" -as she finishes up, she turns around towards me and gestures to leave-

Fee: Walk and talk, lets go. Anyway, yeah, i wanted to go sooner."

Yn: "Hm? Why?"

Fee: "I don't know, if i was best, then they'll probably have a hard time judging others, no offense...hehe."

Yn: "Don't they record them? They can always look back to remember."

Fee: "Hm, i guess you are right." -we slowly stop talking as we re-enter the studio. This time the lights and cameras were set up-

We had an half-hour refresh session so everyone and practice. My number was 25 so I had plenty of time to work on my own choreography, they said they will be going by twenty but theres alot of us so...this'll be awhile. 

[Thirty minutes later]

Namjoon: "Okay, i hope everyone's warmed up?"

Everyone: "Yes!"

Namjoon: "Okay, we're going to need the numbers 1-20 to stay please and the rest can exit. After they are done we'll take a 25-minute break and the group next can come in, got it?"

Jin: -whispers- "namjoon.., they aren't dogs.."

Namjoon: "Shut up."

We all exit and sit outside waiting..well some of us, it was like an hour and a half till it was our time but before that, mostly everyone went to other studio rooms to practice or some fell asleep or something but for me and fee just sat there talking. We were actually pretty confident we would make it to the next round but maybe that's just us, i guess a lot of girls need that (confidence) to perform but i felt like maybe something was going to be a bit different.

[Hour and a half later]

Girl 1: "Dude, im so exhausted.."

Girl 2: "i know right? Me too, good job out there by the way." -she wipes her forehead with a towel as she's walking out-

Jhope: "Wow! I was super impressed! You all danced well today!"

Jimin: "I agree, you all must've worked very hard, huh?"

All the boys follow each other out as they bow and hand out water bottles to the girls. We all know damn well that they didn't need it lol maybe its because its from celebrities?

Jhope: "Don't worry, we won't be long!"

Suga: "Hoseok, just go."

They all wave and bow to us as they walked into a break room reserved for them, they're lucky too, that room is one of our biggest and has couches and T.V’s, lots of food and drinks and other stuff. Usually, that would be reserved for the studio staff or VIP members like me but the staff got a smaller one instead.

Every time I saw a teacher walk past the room, they would roll their eyes as their seeing it taken away from them, but you know, sucks to suck.

[25 miNuTeS LaTer]

The next 20 girls walked in and the boys were already there. We all sat against a wall while the first girl went, the boys looked so focused and when they saw something surprising they seemed genuinely impressed. It gave me alot of courage because then maybe i can do something that'll have taken them aback..., thats until I heard people whispering and talking about me, saying things like; “Omg, I totally forgot we were up against yn..”, “Should we just leave now? We have no chance with her here.” etc. To be honest, it gave me some joy that people thought I was intimidating but also it was sad that people put themselves down just cause I was in the competition too, I didn't want to say anything cause I had a feeling that maybe they would think I was being...conceited but really, what should i do? Quit?

Soon enough time passed and it was my turn, I stood there in front of 19 other girls and seven boys, I stretched thoroughly, cracking every bone in my body and gave them my requested song. For my audition i had selected to be in a duo so I called in henry, i wanted to have more people dance with us but ...they wouldn't get credit since they had to do their own dances when it was their turn plus henry wasn't going to audition—he slacks off too much.

They play on the music and once the intro starts— i immediately get a shot of adrenaline into my body. That's the best part of dancing in front of a crowd, the racing heart wanting to blow out of your chest, the massive amounts of energy that come along— i just feel so awake and enliven. Its like dancing is a drug, i can practice hours on end and yeah i can get tired but i can never get tired (you kno'¿ lolol), i crave for the side effects; the sweat, the dehydration. I love it all.

Everyone sits up and starts bobbing their heads to the beat of the song. They've all seen me dance before and i got to say, im not the best but im sure as hell far away from worst. As their all getting ready to watch me go, the boys are also getting interested, they want to see me dance like before or BETTER than before- all that this morning, it was just all practice, surely im better than that.

I move my body to the beat of the intro and we get into position for the first lyric.

[song] ; a.c.e- black and blue

Im in full focus.

I start dancing with a sharp move—my upper half bopping to the sound. One minute in the song and i can feel the burn, im moving as fast as my body can go and making sure that my moves are as sharp as can be. Really, i didnt care if i got selected. When he asked me if ill be participating i was a bit unsure really and when Jimin said i didn't care i just thought, well "we'll see."

I have to admit that even if i dont get picked, this was really fun, this competition. I get to really see what my peers are made of and they get to see me at my fullest.

Yn: -i make contact with jhope and we stare at each other for a while until i wink and blow a kiss, you would think he would be used to it but it seemed like he got flustered a bit-

Jimin: "Isn't she really good?!" -He whispers to the other members-

Jhope: -scoffs- "Tsk, she's cocky." -he mutters-

I can see Jhope writing on the clipboard with a smirk, was he impressed?

The music ends and I stand there for a minute breathing heavily. Henry pats me on the back and bows to everyone as he leaves, I take a deep breath and stand next to the door. All the other girls tell me that i did a good job and said I was amazing but, I look over to the members and their expressions were so...blank? I can't tell if they enjoyed it or not well besides Jimin, he's smiling from ear to ear, at least someone thought it was good, right...?

I end up having eye contact with jhope again and he raises a brow.

Namjoon: "Okay! Good job #25! Next please!"

Another girl goes up and its a much slower paced than what I just danced to, sigh, this will be a long day won't it?

–

prev. < tsilretsam > next

[musgo]

5 6 19

thank you so much for sending sdcjnskjdn i uhhhh recorded all of these basically immediately after you sent them but then i listened back and felt like i suonded so annoying and went on too long and my pronunciation wasnt very clear so i postponed posting them sdjnvdjs i decided to transcribe what i said (under read more) cause that makes me feel better abt it. 

5. I’ll talk about what I did today

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0z7uDDcKzjQ

6. I’ll talk about something I’m obsessed with/currently interested in

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0iLq52dlB1y  (the very good video i talk about: https://youtu.be/-6lMD9h_ix4)

19. I’ll talk about something I’m proud of

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0lPPvmwbvbI this ones the most ebarassing cause i decided to have fun and try switching to my alternative, vaguely british-inspired “accent”,,,, also the cohesion ... she just wasnt there.

5. today i went to college. i was really late and i missed the first class. i only attended one class today, cause i only have two classes per day rn - thats definitely gonna change next semester but anyway - the class was really good, the subject is Introduction to Literary Studies (i took a while cause i had to translate it from portuguese) but um yeah the class was about why humans create fiction. why humans.. you know.. how humans...... Human Nature is such that we are unsatisfied with reality and we create other lives and other experiences through fiction. and it’s not necessarily that we don’t like our reality, it could just be that it’s not enough; like, you could rly like your reality but you still have an innate, like.. NEED for experiencing Other Things that you couldnt in your own life. thats basically what the argument was, it was really interesting. and i rly like the teacher, she’s rly cool. so after that class i just had some lunch DELICIOUS the food in my college is so good ugh i love it so much and it’s just 2 reais for         for lunch when you’re a student there and it’s so good i’m.. ugh it’s the best part of college        cause its rly rly rly cheap for us students and it’s really good like It didnt even have to be that good cause it’s so cheap but it’s REALLY GOOD hh     um... yeah i love it  AND THEN after having lunch i went to the library which is a luh--another thing i rly like about my college cause  it’s the biggest library in my university.   so.. i study in the universtiy of são paulo which is one of the biggest universities in brasil .... so.. the campus is like rly huge and .. [i realized i was just explaining what a university is fsr?????? ]  uhhhh yeah i went to my library. [????? MY LIBRARY??? i dont own a library.] and i love my library theres like. i love to just walk around and see.    The Books cause theres like.. so such interesting books. and like books in so many languages... ugh it’s amazing so i went there to actually find some english learning books and i did , cause im trying to teach my sister english andt..    yeah i found this session-- Section. where theres all these    language learning books so theres like             a couple shelves that are like just english learning books and then theres a shelf thats just like japanese learning and then a couple shelves for russian   thens ome korean  some frickin SANSKRIT  latin ancient greek just everything . theeres also like indigenous south american languages which i was really happy to see and im definitely gonna check that out eventually but for today i just took the english ones cause ..  yeah i cant really  i dont really that much time and everyone for all that right now with college ..     AND THEN the rest of my day was that i left my phone!! cause i went to take the bus and  i left my pjhone on the bus stop.      i feel like my entonation is really annoying right now but yeah.. so yeah i left my phone on the bus stop and i was so scared.  i went back to the bus stop    got off the bus [wrong order] and it wasnt there , i went in the building - my college has 3 buildings for the different courses - i went in one of them cause i assumed it would be there because it was the closest to the bus stop so if somebody found my phone on the bus stop they wouldve taken it there and  left it there with the recepcionist or whatever so i went there and it wasnt there so iwas like “oh no its not here . maybe i left it in the bus instead of the bus stop and i just didnt notcie that it like fell from my pocket or sth.” so i took the bus again and went to the terminal which is where it would be if somebody found it in the bus and gave it to someone responsible for that stuff. but it obviously wasnt there. so i went home, very sad, This whole thing lasted like 2 hours and then its like over an hour for me to come home from college cause yk i live in a neighbouring city which is pretty close but its still an hour to an hour and a half everyday to go and ..... to go to and fro. is that how you say that expression idk . ...    and then when i got home!!!! i wnt in the facebook group of my college [course] to see if somebofy had posted something about a lost phone and Yes They Had they posted a photo of my phone and i was like oh thank god so im gonna get it back tomorrow. now im home im looking at my cat. occasionally looking after my nephews and my niece. and thats my day

6. i was sitting here thinking.. trying to think of something   and i remembered that--..............   Cause its rly hard for me to answer these questions where itsj ust one thing and i just..................          i just draw a blank whenever i get these questions but im just gonna say something that happened recently cause it was like : yesterday i found this video on youtube of a    an .. anemone? Swimming     like this starfish touches it and it like Changes Form it Elongates and just starts shaking to like get away. and its amazing it reminded me of how much i like Cnidarians(????)  the phylum .  the group of animals that includes jellyfish and corals, basically.   its just so cool like they alternate like one of the.... oh my gosh my house is so loud uhh...       yeah they like its really crazy i dont actually know a lot about it but i just think its so cool like the corals .. they.. reproduce.. and like.. their offspring sometimes is A Jellyfish . and then the Jellyfish sometimes produce Corals.   cause you look at the two things and they dont rly look that similar but they Are basically one and the same, and theyre Animals both of them just the same.  theyre just like inverted when you think about. its really cool and i didnt know that corals could MOVE like that just Get Out like... DeTach . from their thing and just start Swimming!! i had no idea that was a thing but yeah basically something that im obsessed with is um animals like that. the animals that arent chordates. so like sponges, cnidarians,  frickin ummmm echinoderms. You Can look at My Tags Page i have that stuff listed. i love it cause its so fun when you think about how theyre animals so theyre like closer to us structurally and cellularly than to other things.

19. you know. when people are mad at me for doing something not as fast as one possibly could or somethin like not understanding what they said or doing something a little bit wrong like following instructions a little wrong and you know when its not rly that important and people get mad and me for that and stuff.. i just.. i feel really happy that i'm not like that. cause i feel like most people around me.. they ARE like that like they just get so mad.. they allow themselves to get so mad about small things.. and i dont know i like that im pretty patient and i dont mind having to wait or to instruct someone a few times and correct them until they get it right and teach them and... all that. i dont know like i feel like.. idk im proud of myself for not like picking fights and getting mad at people for things that dont rly matter cause.. idk people around me do that a lot it makes me rly sad like... idk thats something i like abt myself i think i can like I'll feel angry sometimes and dont get me wrong anger is very necessary and its a very good thing when it is like... whats that word? its like... freakin.. deserved [i think the word i was looking for is "warranted"] like be angry at freakin capitalism or sth freakin racism you know set people on fire for that kinda stuff. but for small things on daily life i think people let it get to them too easily. and just create.. idk. it makes me sad so im happy that i dont have a lot of these impulses in these situations and when i do feel peeved from something petty im able to hold back cause im like.. its not worth it its just... this is so small. i'm.... you know? its not worht it.

[lostandbrokenshell]

Darkest Before Dawn Part 12

Farcry 5 fanfic. Rated M for Mature language and sexual reference. No pairing or plans for smutt.

When you got to your cabin the first thing you checked was your bunker. It had way more supplies it, medical, guns, ammo, food and lots of other things. You stare at it in disbelief, how did he get in? Or know where you lived? The bunker has a key code lock where did he get the code, and why stock it? You leave the bunker and stand in the middle of your yard thinking, about how confusing this situation is.

“Now, what the fuck do i do.” You yell. “FUCKING CHRIST.” You try to kick at a bucket but your foot somehow twists and you fall flat on your face. “Fuck me.” You sigh laying there accepting your fate. I’m one with the ground now, i can live here, its a good spot you think. Rolling over to your back you look up at the sky there where very little clouds out it was endless starry skies. “Should of taken that job in Fort Mac, or maybe moved earlier see how crazy shit was and GTFO.” You say to your self.

“They say crazy people talk to them selves.” You sit up, it was a resistance member.

“You know i think i have to throw a false on that, you dont hear many peggies talk to themselves.”

He snorted with laughter. “Well, theres one good thing from all this, we can lay that myth to rest.” He was watching you closely.

“If you need supplies go ahead and check the house.” You say nodding to the house.

“Dont need supplies, are you the deputy?”

“Im one of the deputies.” You say nodding.

“Close enough then, i might be able to get you into Johns bunker. If your interested.”

You where surprised, for a few different reasons. “Alright im in, but, uh, how did you find me?”

“Im Ted, I ran in to Sharky, he said this was your place and if you where lying low to try you here. He said and i quote ‘Its probably better than dressing as peggies.’ Which it is.” He said looking confused. “Who would try that? Thats a stupid idea. Dressing up like peggies.”

“That was my idea, in all fairness it was in the ‘fucking stupid’ idea pile, but no one else had any better options.” You say defensively.

He laughed. “Well now there’s one. We noticed that peggies truck stuff arlund they drop it off pick up system that brings stuff all around the regions. All drop off points go to specific outposts, or bunkers, we know which ones goes into Johns. We can hide in a containers and let them bring us in, we trojan horse our way in, get Hudson and kick ass.

You sat there surprised. “Damn that’s brilliant, you guys where staking out which spots when where?” You ask.

“Yeah, seemed like one way or another it could work to our advantage.”

“Your one of my new favourite people.” You say with a big smile and get up. “Lets go find people to storm the castle.”

Whitehorse stood there rubbing his chin thinking after you and Ted explained the plan. “So how do we not cause a panic that their is a group of armed resistance members in Johns bunker?” He asked after a while.

“Uh, we’re dressed like peggies so we blend in?” You say with a shrug.

“What is it with you and dressing like peggies, do you have a hard on forvtheir fashion?” Sharky asked

“Well, they dont look as hard at their own people. They might stare us down going into the vault, but inside they are probably way more lax. They wont be expecting us already inside.”

“Might not hurt, we just got to keep our heads down.” Ted said nodding. “At least until we reach our people and arm them, then we can really get them peggies.”

“You sure about this?” Whitehorse asked you.

“Ready to burst open and charge in like a trojan condom breaking on a night of poor decisions. I realized how terrible that sounded after i said it i am so sorry.” You say quickly Sharky and Hurk where keeled over laughing.

Whitehorse just shook his head in shame and put his head in his hand. “Take who you need, who wants to go. John is not to be taken lightly.” He sighed. “When this is all over though, peggies delt with and all. Comments like that are not allowed” he said sternly.

“I will keep them in my pants, with my sexual appetite.” You say as you put your hands up, Whitehorse sighed again . “We should go ask people at the spread eagle if they want to join. Those people have good reason to want to be involved.” Whitehorse nodded.

Everyone was standing in front of you listening, it seemed like all of Holland Valley turned out, word really spread fast in this town. “I myself am going, Sharky, a couple other resistance members. We could use more though. Our goal is to carry extra pistols on us, with out attracting to much attention. Give it to people taken, take the bunker. About half hour after we go in, if we can have an assault on the front of the bunkers doors from the top. It will help draw attention from us.”

“You realize this ends with bullets in your brother.” Nick stated he wasn’t trying to be a dick about it. You could see he was trying to be honest, in his way.

You take a deep breath in and nod. “Look, i dont want him dead, i will try to take him alive. But I understand thats not even close to the likely outcome, im not going to stop what needs to be done to stop this. It needs to stop.” You say firmly.

Nick nodded. “Im in.”

“Me to.” Grace added.

A few more people joined in for team break in and some people planed for the distraction assault. You got the feeling it might just work, but somehow that didn’t make you feel better about it. When everyone was getting ready to head out to go to the location to hide away pastor Jerome came over to you.

He put his hand on your shoulder and squeezed. “I have faith that you will do everything you can.” You could tell he was referring to John.

“I have a plan, I know plans don’t always go as.. Planned, but i have to try.” You say softly he gave you a warm smile and nod.”

“God will be with you.” He told you as he gave your shoulder another squeeze.

Everyone was waiting uncomfortably un the peggie clothes aways away from the supplies drop off point. The waiting for it to show up was painful, the waiting for pick up was probably gling to be worse.

“About how long does the supplies sit before pick up?” Grace asked Ted.

“About two, three hours.” He replied.

“Well, ive always wanted to stow away in storage containers and sit quietly for hours to storm a castle by surprise. Dream come true today.” You say enthusiastically abunch of blank faces just looked back.

“You realize this isnt a castle right?” Sharky asked.

You shhh him putting you finger on his lips and cup his face with your other hand. “Dont burst my bubble, we’re storming a castle like a bunch of badasses.”

“They’re coming.” Ted said he was watching through the binoculars. Everyone waited still and quietly as the cube truck stopped and some peggies got out and left. “Lets go, we got to empy them containers and put us in there without anyone noticing.”

Waiting inside the containers where infact way worse than waiting for them to show up. It was the silence that got to you the most no one could talk. Just in case you where overhead, it would blow the plan. It took what seemed like seven days and nights before the truck started moving again. You kept your eyes closed the whole time you where moving, trying to keep your heartbeat down and keep calm. This wasn’t the soft kind John you knew, he was nothing like that anymore. You had no idea how it was going to end or what was going to happen.

[blckdtd]

"Train"

i had a crush on a college friend for like three years already... maybe longer than that. im writing this post because ive dreamt about him this morning. i tried to sleep again as i still want to continue that crazy dream since it was a bit beautiful. we were happy in that dream. but im not sure if because we are together as a couple or as something else.

i actually really like seeing him smile most of the time, thats why whenever we go home together i try to talk to him and make him laugh or smile as much as possible. but, being a funny person was not my best asset, so its always... awkward. it also fascinates me whenever we dont talk at all, or when his face is blank with unreadable emotion, though sometimes im having anxious thoughts that maybe he was annoyed on why do i kept talking and talking when he is clearly not interested. those moments taught me to shut my mouth most of the times.

but how did everything started? ill try to recall everything dont worry.

it was summer, and we were still freshman in college, group chats for sections in our department were already made and people were already having some clicks and groups. i also found our class' group chats, and while scrolling on the member's list, he was the first person i added on facebook since i noticed he was quite good looking (young me dumb me. always lookinh for the face. apologies). but i never messaged him personally on facebook.

first day came in, he was the first person i talked to actually since he was the person i first recognized. but, during freshman year, he was not my seasonal crush. had a crush on two person on different sememsters, one for each sememsters, but i dont think theres a need to elaborate on that i guess. maybe another time.

sophomore year is starting to come in. summer after fresh man year, i found out that the four of us will be in the same section, me, him, T, and A. the thing is, we actually belong in the same group of friends, we also have the gc (group chat). when i found out that the four of us are in the same class, i started to have some panic or thinking, that "oh shit. he is my classmate. this year. he ll be on the long list of my seasonal mandatory crush (i know. it sucks to have this mentality, like i cannot move forward to my life without having a crush on anyone or anything). i tried to avoid the feelings because he is quite a nice person. but it happened after that event.

swimming class, this was the first day i guess??? i cant remember. but i know it was the swimming class. the four of us were kinda huddled together since we dont rrally get alonv with everyone yet, and the instructor said to group ourselves in to two. to be honest, during the time, i quite sure o dont have the feelings for him yet. so me and him like automatically paired ourselves, since t and a automatically paired themselves. then he said "lets go there". then we grabbed each others hand, under the water. i can still remember that time because after that day, i did not exactly have it in mind, but the longer the time passes, the more i can remember, and im pretty sure he dont even remembered that day.

we hold hands under water and he lead the way. it was not the romantic type holding hands, the one where people actually intertwined their hands, it was just simple holding hands. then we let go, and started the routines we need to do.

being that im the fat one, i did feel how his hands are kinds bony since hes quite thin. and he is also lighter, i even believed that i could piggy back him if he ask me too. i know that he is lighter when our instructor ask us to do a simple floating where we simply lay flat on the water surface. it was fun knowing that he actually cant do that given that he is a really good swimmer and he is lighter too, but i can, a non good swimmer even if it could save my life. i almost like carried him in my arms to guide him how to float, thats how i found out he is light, but thats okay, i also liked that about him.

then one day, i woke up, i said to my self. "shit. im having a crush on him. this is not good". what i hate about this, is because i have the constant need to show off or have his attention or be in the same grouos or anything with him... like? we are already going home together cause we take tge same train or something, im so greedy, attention seeker, obsessed, annoying. i also chat him on facebook most of the time, like i always need to find a reason to talk to him or something. almost the whole year of second year college was me being a bother to him or something, and i just fully realized it now. and if ever for some reason you read this, yes, this is about you, and im really sorry for bothering you all these years thinking that you might, well, "reciprocate" the feelings, in short, sorry for being immature.

til this day, some parts of my heart, wished that there are times where he did enjoy our small talks on the train, or if he did enjoy having me as a "friend".

i can still remember how we talked about the girl you almost become girlfriend, about how you felt when one of our classmate gave you something on valentines day, how i fucked up and confessed of having feelings for you, and how we somehow remained as friends even after that day. i know you told our other friends that i confessed my feelings for you, thats why they started teasing me about it.

i missed you needing me to go somewhere sometimes because youre not much of a streetsmart or always forgets how to go some certain place. i remember how i said that you can rest your head on my shoulder when we were on the train on our way to one of our friends house to make a costume, how i lend my earphones to you so you can listen to some music even though i actually love listening to music, how you waited for me on train station even though i was late. we had a meet up.that day because you want to buy something that we found while looking for some naterials to make the costume, well you waited because you barely remember how to get there in the first place. not gonna lie, i was kinda happy how you waited for me on that station.

i can also remember how we talked throughout our jeepney ride on our way to the station, im sorry to say this, but during that day, i somehow had a hunch that you were just talking to me because i kinda led our way on how the two of us will get home, because you dont always talk to me in first place, ever since that day you knew, which i did understood, but i dont know why i still.stood my ground on seeking yoir attention. ha! but yes i can still remember how i take you to your station on your way home because you dont know your way, i got off of the train even though i could have just stayed and have my way home. it was fun though, and so foolish of me.

why am i even head over heels on you even after all this years? yes until now.

third year college, i promised my self that ill try to stop having feelings for you. but i didnt. but we were on that level where we just accepted that yeah i know that you know thatbinhave feelings for you but we will just be civil about it. we were kind of a pair tbh, you can use my phone whenever you want since that was the time when yiu dont have your own phone. you actually have more photos on that phone than me lol. we were in a civil state to the point we even became automatic pairs on an activity in botany class. we even became thesis groupmates. you probably had the most contribution on that thesis so i still thank you even till this day.

i also remembered when you asked me to come with you to get your birth certificate since you actually dont know how to get one, not gonna lie again, i was kinda having a moment back there since we were in the middle of thesis day, more like finishing it up, but you asked me to come with you. we travelled like for almost an hour for that, fell in line just to have your id photocopied, then i instructed you on which line you should take next, how to get this and that, then i waited for you, again. so we can also go back to the university. i had some realizations that day. on the lengths that my feelings for you drove me.

i also remembered how we went home together like we usually do after that earthquake since the station had a bit of crack on its foundation. but we went to separate ways you rode a jeepney on your way. i walked to mine.

one of the things that touched me was when you asked me about my favorite band, why did i liked them, and you somehow, had some small history, that you listened to them before or something.

but there are also those days where we dont even talked about anythibg at all. we just stayed silent. and bid our goodbyes and take cares. maybe those were your favorite days, just kidding.

im not trying to paint you as bad guy for not reciprocating or anything. im just remembering things, and i need to let them out.

it kinda sucks when i didnt saw you on the last day where we need to return our graduation gowns because i need to leave early that day because of an emergency family trip to the beach. just a celebration because i just graduated.

im sorry i still havent picked up your drawings that i said i will buy just to help you. because i had a job that time and you still havent because youre supposed to go to a medical school.

our company had a job opening but i was too shy to send the invite to you, idk why. i did tried to talk to you again just like a normal friend but, i know i cant. even while writing this, i can attest that im still not in the best condition to talk to you because i still... cant move on. this sucks.

there are parts of me that wished i didnt approached you on the first day of class. or maybe i shouldnt held your hand under water. or maybe... i shouldnt have just let this.feelings swallowed me.

i dreamed of you last night. but dont worry, nothinh sexual. i dreamed of holding your hand again. and seeing your smile. softly playing your hands until they were intertwined. it was a good dream. i wish i didnt woke up. but i need to.

your smile was so beautiful, i rarely saw them actually even after hundreds of train trips we had together. i loved the sound of your laugh actually that will soon give your smilling face. i can even remember your eyelashes they were so beautiful, though i hope you werent freaked out when i looked at you.

youre a beautiful person, your smart, you sometimes dark humor, you being lowkey gentleman, your creativity and artistry. everything about you.

to end this, i hope you know that it is not late to pursue your artistic passion or to go to a medical school. youre a brilliant person Eli, i hope you know that also. and i loved you, as person, as a friend, as someone who i went head over heels. right now, i do wish we meet again, but in a different time, but now, i only wish you happiness and success. thank you for being part of my life as a simple college student.

[u-flower-u-feast]

♡TAG CHAIN♡

i was tagged by @harry-did-that  who constantly challenges me with the toughest questions and scenarios lol!!! Thanks honey!!💖💖💖💖 

im tagging @harryzayn​, @heliosfleur​, @haesthete​, @luvinari​, @anotherblackharrie​, and anyone else who wants to (i just finished this and im exhausted and can’t think of anyone else lol!!)

Rules: answer the questions given to you by the tagger, write questions of your own, and tag people!

🌸The questions I was given🌸

1. when and how did you become a fan? give me all the details and feelings hit me with that nostalgia! Tbh I was one of those snooty hoes who hated wmyb and was like “If they’re saying what makes you beautiful is that you don’t know your beautiful....... Then what happens when you finally think you’re beautiful??? They probably wouldn’t think your beautiful anymore” laskjdlkajslkdja!! But after faking like I hated the song, this girl in my science class came up to me and was like *Slams down some random teen mag with the boys on the cover* “Pick one!!”......... And I was like “Uhhhhh..... No thanks??” and she just kept getting on my nerves about picking one, she eventually said if i picked one that she’d leave. So I looked............. and I said *pointing to harry and zayn* “Either him or him” and she had the nerve to be like “No!!! You cant have him (Zayn) he’s mine!”........ me:

and since that moment of childish, superficial, decision-making........ I’ve been a dead hoe 4 harry.

2. whats ur fave 1d moment/memory? I’m blanking all of a sudden alksjdlakjslkdj!!! All I can think of rn is when harry almost died on 1d day tryna pull that cute ass stunt

Pretty much..... 1d day in general laksjdlkajls!!!

(Me too harry lol) Harry looked so divine??? So yeah lol!! 1d day for sure

3. if you were to fight harry how would you go about it

Sis........... I’ve been dreaming about this. In a perfect scenario, we’d be friends already so he knows that i’m fighting him with love from the deepest, darkest, coldest, crevices of my heart. So, it’d have to be a time when we’re just hanging out somewhere, preferably in someones (preferably mine) apartment/house. We’d be watching queer eye or something gay, and discussing what from this seasons gucci line we’re gonna buy. When all of a sudden i’ll go in for a random, friendly hug, and he’ll accept...............................................................To his DEMISE!!! CAUSE I would bite his ear (not off, just to clarify lol!! Just a nip lol!!) and go straight for his neck and choke him out alskdjlksjldjka!! He’d probably start panicking, but at this point i’d tell him how long i’ve been waiting to do this, and that i’m doing this out of love............ nothing but pure love. So when he blacks out and wakes up laid out on the couch, with me placing a cold ice pack on his head, he’ll probably ask me what tf happened....... So i’ll tell him the truth, and tell him that he fainted and started convulsing and that i had to call 911 (or whatever the emergency # is wherever we are) and they told me what to do over the phone; and that by the time they got there he had settled down and was fine, but i needed to apply a cold press to his head where he fell and make sure he has solid food on his stomach.😇😇😇

4. so like, if we had 1d (ot4/ot5 idc) locked in a room and given them truth serum slkdnlksdnf sorry for this au but, what 3 questions would you ask them (feel free to do more than 3 its been almost 8 years full of lies so)

I’ll give you one for each year of lies aksljdlakjslkd!!

1- What the fuck were Zayn and Harry laughing about on 1d day?

2- What is each of their honest opinions on the others??

3- Crystabel Riley....... Thats all I’ll say on that..... But I want the truth lol!!

4- Why tf Zayn had the nerve to say that he and Harry never talked???

5- The Infinity video????

6- If they hadn’t known Zayn was gonna leave, who would they truly want to leave the band????? Or! If they could sacrifice one of the others for Zayn to stay, who would they sacrifice??????

7- Did Liam really think that Japan would be hotter cause its “near Australia”??????? (a waste of a question, but a question i need to ask for myself lol!!)

8- And because i’m nosy and would never ever ask any other time or under other circumstances; Out of all of the people they’ve been rumored to have been dating/dated, how many have they actually dated? and which ones??*Mainly this is for harry, but i’ll ask the others cause...... you know.....

5. tell me some of your fave people on here (treat ppl with kindness spread love n all that look at me being a proper Harrie™)

I have a couple of faves lol! I love @harryzayn she’s amaaaazingggggggg even tho she tries me on a daily basis alskjdlkajsldkj!! Oh!! And her moodboards (x) are spectacular, she’s legit the reason why I started doing moodboards (barely lol!! I’m lazy y’all, but she's not lol!!)

@haesthete She always has amazing hontent and is very sweet and kindddddd lol!! And is always (in my opinion) on the right side of henny serious harry drama

@luvinari is an absolute angel who blesses my dash with harry and ariana and others i can think of rn lol!! 

@bluehydrangeia She fills my dash with my mother lana del rey, harry, and aesthetic!! That and I never fail to get more literature knowledge from her lol!

Theres a lot more, but when I’m put on the spot i blank out lol!! If we’ve EVER talked, or interacted you’re probably on this list too lol!!

6. signature scent/ favorite perfume(s)?

I don’t really have a signature perfume, but I like to mix cherry and vanilla body sprays lol!! That! Or warm vanilla honey/toasted hazelnut from b&bw  

7. please tell me a random fact or story about you, give me that Exclusive knowledge

Ummmmm....... My *tries to remember while sitting down* right side of my hip is double jointed lol!! That and i entered 2 different kinds of writing contest and won both of them lol!! Ya gurl is actually good at writing believe it or not alskjdlakjs!!! Bonus! I’ve actually gotten too deep in my feels a couple times and wrote fics for @harryzayn to read lmaooo!!!

8. money, body issues, and all that shit aside, what would your dream fashion aesthetic be?

..........Rianne you hate me lol!! I have about 50 aslkdjalskjdl!! So I’ll give you a top 5!

1- Rocker Chic

2- Simplistic Minimalist

3- 70s Kween

4- Eclectic Bitch

5- Rich Business Hoe

(Bonus!)6- Flashy young rich trophy wife having a night out

9. would you rather have: the cut bits of carpool karaoke like the mcdonalds drive through, audio’s of all the 70 songs harry wrote (yes including baby honey), the infinity music video, the 900 hours of unseen this is us footage, harry’s dunkirk audition tape, a recording of that alleged hour long zarry phonecall when zayn left, or a copy of nialls folder full of unseen selfies with his boys. you kno what im nice you can have two

You are so fucking rude rianne alskjdlkajsjdalj!! I’m gonna go with...... All 70 of harry’s hidden ass songs. And............. *has mini existential crisis cause i can’t choose between the zarry phone call or the this is us footage* I’m gonna choose the this is us footage cause that would be a lot more positive *whispers: but if you want to be a super nice, cool, amazing, totally unique, game changing, never replicated friend........ You’d let me take the zarry call too lol!! *

10. whats something you’re proud of?

*Thinks hard for about 20 minutes.....* Umm I think im proud of the fact that, any musical instrument i’ve learned (3-4) i’ve taught myself??

11. something you regret?

Being too nice to people who didn’t deserve that from me.

12. what bothers you? here’s a chance to… go off

People who have literally no musical talent, but feel the need to go on mile long rants about musicians/artist they don’t like and try to simplify any musical or artistic process like making (GOOD) music is simple and easy.

On the other hand, musicians with absolutely no musicianship at all, who get by based on looks or a really weirdly strong fan base despite....their....lack........of talent??? (Bonus trash points if they’re also just really shitty people in general)

People who feel the need to bring up negative shit in the middle of anything happy. Like??? We could all be having a party over harry painting his nails black, and they could be like “Why tf is his nail polish chipped already??? He was probably picking at it cause the devil jeff made him do it” Like????? Shut tf up cindy (Also this is a made up scenario lol!!)

...... Pms?? The thought of having to pay bills?? Taxes??? The government???? The patriarchy??????

💖💕✨🌻 so here’s my questions🌻✨💕💖

1. There are two types of people in this world. What are the two types?

2. If you had to lock away 3 of ot5 in an underground cave, who would you lock away??

3. If you could have a never-ending candle that smelled like anything you wanted, what fragrance would you want it to be?

4. An interesting au question i just though of lol! You’re chilling at home, when all of a sudden you get a call from Harry. You answer it only to find out that he has you on a party line with the other boys. They’re all panicking cause they’re having different emergencies and they all need your singular help, but they’re all in different locations 20 minutes away from you. They’re all convinced you’re their best friend and that you’ll help them first. You can only help 3 and the other two have to figure their problem out on their own, or face the consequences. Who do you help first, and so on? (and yes the bottom 3 will be mad at you. The person in 2nd place will be disappointed but they’ll eventually get over it.)

5. Whats your favorite *insert ur fave 1d member here* look?

6. What would be the scariest monster you could imagine?

8. If your life was a book, what would it be titled?

6. Quick! You just won the lottery, what are the first 3 things you buy?

9. Would you rather have: True love, but live in less than ideal conditions. Or Be rich, but be married to someone you despised?

10. Whats something you’re proud of?

11. Three personality traits you hate?

12. What are you afraid people see when they look at you?

[wejungkkum]

Mono No Aware, 物の哀れ / pt 1

Genre: Childhood lovers, fluff, angst

Word count: 3,035

Summary: A photo that joined like two puzzle pieces connected two lost, wandering souls

prologue/ pt 1/ pt 2/ pt 3/ pt 4/ pt 5 (end)

“I found a love, for me

Darling just dive right in and follow my lead”

“Oh come on Poppy! Stop being such a coward! You’re so slow like a snail and dragging the whole team down!”

Jungkook hushed from behind you, voice low, in fear of your opponent finding the both of you. You glanced at the dense forest that lay ahead, trees so tall they loomed over you like a gargantuan monster.

“But I’m afraid, the trees are so tall and the forest looks dark. What if we get lost, or..or what if we get kidnapped by the monsters in the forest and never get to come out?” you asked, desperate for assurance.

Annoyance flashed past his face as he whined “oh come on! I’ll make sure nothing happens to you. Don’t forget I’m Superjeon. Now can we move on?”

“Pinky promise?” you asked, doubt reflected over your guileless 8 year old face.

“Pinky promise.”

It was a stupid game of hide and seek your innocent young self indulged in, but just like this, you dove right in and followed his lead.

And just like this, he took the role of being the brother you never had, the angel you never met.

Since young, you were known to be the more introverted of all. Quiet, shy and always afraid of God knows what to step out of your comfort zone. Anything that involved speaking to large groups of audience were the worst. Your mind would go blank, and the insides of your mouth ran so dry you would start coughing uncontrollably. Coincidentally, you had to do public speaking in your last year of middle school, and it was the worst.

“What’s the point of this? I don’t get it. Argh I’m super annoyed. Ms Kim is going to make Namjoon pass with with flying colours and show favouritism blatantly. Right.. talk to you soon. Gotta go rush the speech.”

You hung up the call with Jungkook, and your apartment suddenly became so silent it reminded you of your parents working overseas.

“I don’t want to do this” you groaned and sunk your head into your pillow.

The incessant ring of the doorbell accompanied by furious knocks pulled you back to reality like a magnet. Peeling your eyelids open and taking in the sight of your room, your incomplete speech lay on the floor, fluttering lightly from the blast of the air conditioner as your laptop was showing the collage of you and Jungkook- one you set as your screensaver.

Come on, we all know you have a crush on him. No guy would do so much for a girl unless he loves her. Name me a guy who calls his female friend by such a cheesy nickname? Oh God, has he confessed already?

The voices of your friends ricocheted in your mind, and it was as though each time you smiled and brushed off saying that the relationship between the both of you was platonic, it tore you a little inside. Yes, you carried a torch for him, but you knew better than to go around spewing stuff like these.

“You home?” someone screamed from outside

“Coming!” you replied, blinking your eyes as you got thrown back into reality.

You pulled your mane into a loose bun, which you wondered if it was of any use as pieces of hair started falling out. Opening the door, you saw Jungkook standing there, right hand curled into a fist in mid-air.

“I was about to pound the door down, you know. I thought you fell asleep on your way out.” Jungkook said as he entered the apartment, sarcasm rolling off his tongue.

“Excuse you, Mr Jeon.” you shot.

“Just a gentle reminder, you were known to fall asleep anytime and anywhere.” he grinned, eyes shooting you a knowing a look.

“That was so long ago!” you screamed, clearly embarrassed about it.

Then, the both of you were at a birthday party, and you were in charge of the grills. Well, it was so until you fell asleep, standing, and only woke up when Jungkook dragged you away from the chicken wings that caught fire on the grill. You couldnt help but chuckle at that ridiculous scene.

“Anyway, I got you your favorite tea, which you claim helps you destress, and some midnight snacks to help you get through this. Trust me, they’ll come in handy. I’ve been there, done that.”

Groaning, you plopped down on the sofa beside him, sending him a few bounces. For the love of life, you couldn’t even speak to a group of 10 mere students, and now theres going to be about a level of them.

“Jungkook do you understand what we’re talking about here? Im screwed. S C R E W E D” you emphasised by spelling out each letter.  

“Let’s see what you have” he said, and motioned for you to start making your speech.

You were forced to speak so you did, uncertainty filling your insides. It was long, and incredibly dreadful. Each syllable felt like an entire essay, and you stumbled over countless words. When it finally ended, you let out a shaky breath. Jungkook stood up, and gave you a standing ovation as a proud smile plastered across his face.

“You did it!” he gave you a high-five, which you gladly returned, and engulfed you in a quick hug.

“It’s a lot better than I expected Poppy, it’s really impressive considering it was such an impromptu speech. Now imagine if all the audiences and Ms Kim were just duplicates of me” he spoke dramatically, as he spread his arms open as if unravelling a horizontal scroll in mid-air

You rolled your eyes, but chuckled at his declaration.

“Ew, Jungkook. I’d flip if they were. Oh, I forgot to ask, have you had dinner? The menu for today’s your favourite. Spaghetti. I can heat up some”

“We have some serious telepathy going on between us” he flashed his set of whites, left palm finding its way to his stomach, signifying how hungry he was.

“I beg to differ Mr Superjeon, your stomach just growled.” you burst out, playfully punching his arm while heading to the kitchen.

“Listening to our favourite song,

When you said you looked a mess,

I whispered underneath your breath,

Darling you look perfect tonight”

The day of prom came by in the blink of an eye.

You fussed about what to wear, and when you finally settled on one, you were too embarrassed to slip it on.

“Come on Poppy, you cant stay cooped up in here all night”

“Oh yes, I can” you retaliated.

“Get into that bathroom now and change into the damned dress and we are heading out in 5 minutes. If you aren’t out by then, I’m going to sell your precious figurines you have by your bedside table.”

“Oh God, please dont do that”, you exclaimed, eyes becoming saucer wide.

“Bye”

Jungkook pushed you in and closed the door in your face before you could respond, and you eyed the lifeless blue dress that lay limply on your right hand.

“2 minutes have passed!” he shouted, and you felt compelled to change into it.

One thing you learnt, was to never challenge him. Although Jungkook was in his early years of being a teenager, he was hooked on exercising and was crowned the muscle man of the neighbourhood. He once threatened to empty your stash of snacks if you never turned up for the meeting with your friends.

True enough, when your anti-social self took control over your decisions and you decided to back out, your entire stash of snacks, including the marshmallows you carefully stored away, disappeared without a trace. You only found out a month later that he donated them all to the orphanage down the street. Yes, it was for a good cause, but this just shows that he wasn’t up for jokes.

He only said things he meant.

You stepped out of the bathroom in exactly 5 minutes, and eyed him expectantly. When he kept his silence, you felt blood rushing to your cheeks, and ducked around shyly. Were you expecting his compliment? Were you waiting for him to say you looked good? You felt incredibly ashamed you even had such ideas. He saw you as a little sister, and yet you were harbouring such thoughts.

“Must we go?” you asked, trying to change the topic to stop thinking about the questions echoing in your head.

“Well yeah, it’d be a waste of effort if you don’t since you’ve already changed into the dress”

“Jungkook I-”

“See you in the car in 15 minutes!”

You scanned the makeup lined out neatly on the makeup table. And upon closer inspection, you saw a small post it on each and every makeup product you owned, with the simplest of instructions written on it in his handwriting that tilted left and right and floated up and down. He mentioned that he could not write on blank paper, and you could see his struggle and giggled to yourself at his efforts. But that aside, Jungkook probably knew more about makeup that you did. You did whatever you could and slipped into a pair of new heels before grabbing your essentials and headed out the door.

“This is already a bad idea Jungkook. I hate parties, and my feet are already screaming in pain. If you listen closely, you can hear them actually wailing” you exaggerated while fastening your seatbelt.

“Oh come on! If you had a pair of talking feet you’d be on the news or something. Besides, Ill make sure nothing happens to you. Just have fun, ill take care of the rest. Pinky promise.”

3 hours into the night, you were so desperate you sought refuge by sitting in the toilet cubicle, watching your feet roar with red angry blisters.

Knocks resounded the door, and Jungkook’s worried voice boomed from the other side.

“I’m sorry I got caught up in the conversation with Seokjin. You alright in there?”

Immediately opening the door, you grabbed your heels in your left hand. It seemed like a really obvious sign that your feet could no longer serve its purpose, and he seemed to get the clue and said “let’s head home.”

He kneeled on one foot and motioned for you to jump on behind him.

You clung his neck as he trudged to the parking lot in silence. Once the both of you were in the car, he turned on the ignition and the engine roared to life. Jungkook handed you the aux cord.

“Your turn?” He asked.

You shook your head and Jungkook decided to roll down the windows, since both of you didn’t want any music. Pregnant silence hung in the air and the howling winds were the only audible thing apart from Jungkook’s steady breaths. A pang of guilt washed over you as the realisation of being such a burden overtook your brain, and you single handedly caused him to lose his chance staying out late with his friends and loving life like how any other teen in your school should.

“I’m sorry”, you whispered.

“Over this?” He asked, a tinge of disbelief in his voice. “Don’t be, its a small matter.” he soothed as he rounded the corner into the familiar neighbourhood.  

Eyes still focused on the road, his left hand found your cold clammy ones and gave them a reassuring squeeze. Tears sprang to your eyes as you thought of all the times he helped you.

“Pinky promise” was almost like your morse code, no matter the age, you still stuck by it, like how he stuck by for you.

“I don’t know what id do without you, thanks for all that you’ve done. I…i-”

“Oh stop being a crybaby Poppy” he chuckled, as your tears started to pour.

When your dorm came into view, he did a perfect parallel parking before he turned off the engine. your sniffles suddenly became amplified as pindrop silence was introduced, making your ears ring

He smoothed his thumb across your tear stained cheek and smiled.

“Hush, its okay.”

He reached over to put you in his arms, and it was something you’ve grown to seek comfort in.

When you pulled away, your mascara and eyeliner were smudged everywhere and you couldnt help but laugh at your own reflection, at a loss of how to salvage the melting makeup. All thanks to the makeup products you snagged at some cheap sale.

“Oh my god, i look a mess.”

But then you heard him.

You heard jungkook whisper so softly under his breath

“Darling, you look perfect tonight.”

“Fighting against all odds,

I know we’ll be alright this time”

You remember Jungkook appearing at your doorstep one particular morning, surprising you at his sudden visit.

“Oh, hey, it’s early. Here for breakfast?” you questioned.

“Morning Poppy, well, I actually have something to tell you.”

The seriousness that settled on his face worried you, and you furrowed your brows together.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’ll make breakfast first. Pancakes?” Jungkook asked as he took the apron off the hook, securing it around his muscular built.

You nodded, and excused yourself as you went to freshen up.

An ominous storm seemed to brewing in the kitchen as you climbed the steps to your room. He almost always made you pancakes when you were sad. Furthermore, you heard the silence in the kitchen as he worked. He was always humming something, be it some random tune or an actual song, but today it was dead silent except for the clanking of pots.

You recalled the time when you fell in the process of learning how to cycle, scraped your knees against the concrete pavement and crimson red blood oozed out. The 5 year old you had no idea what that was, and just wailed in the middle of the pavement, sunlight mercilessly shining against the shiny red mess.

Jungkook ran over, and magically took out a towel from the back pocket of his pants and wrapped it tightly around your knee. He plopped down on a chair in your backyard.

“Stop crying Poppy! Superjeon is here to save the day. Im going to bring you this really special thing your mum made, and if you keep crying, it wont appear. It only shows itself to really calm and nice people.”

He appeared moments later, atop his left hand balanced a plate with a mountain of flat layered cakes, a drizzle of shiny brown liquid decorated the golden cake.

“What’s this? Smells amazing!” you squealed in excitement

“Pancakes, they are magical and make you forget about the pain.” The 7 year old Jungkook flashed his cheeky grin at you, gaps prominent between his teeth, all ready for new ones to take their place.

Years later, here you were, sitting opposite the same Jungkook whom matured well, fresh in his early teens. The smell of pancakes wafted in the air, and he cleared his throat.

“I’m leaving”

That was all it took. 2 words, 9 letters and your world came crashing down.

“You what?”

“Am leaving” he repeated, eyes glassy.

“Suddenly?” you question.

“I just got the news yesterday, and it was a flight arranged by my parents. You know how they are. I never get any say in these things.”

“But you… but I…” you choked on your tears.

“Please don’t cry Poppy, you’re making it harder for me.” he sighed.

you couldnt think straight. Thoughts pinballed around inside your head. It felt as though someone else was pulling back the plunger, sending random, rapid-fire thoughts shooting through your brain.

“Will you come back?” you whispered.

“For you. We are fighting against all odds, but im sure we’ll be alright this time.”

This was something about Jungkook. He had a way of saying things so you might believe its true.

It might be, because he only said things he meant.

That night, he stayed over, and he said, “ I think its about time I sang you a song.”

He pulled out the guitar you had by your bed, and the notes that vibrated into the quiet night was a song you’d come to hold close to your heart, Ed Sheeran- Perfect.

The lyrics held a special meaning to the both of you, as each second you spent with him was as though they were inked into words and sung into melody. It was a flawless rendition, and your shoulders started to shake in the still night, knowing you’ll miss him more than you can take. It took him a few minutes before he started speaking.

“I think I should tell you something”.

He looked up into the night sky and whispered something so soft you almost thought you were hallucinating.

“I’m sorry I didn’t have enough guts to tell you earlier Poppy.”

“Call me y/n instead.” you dared, making it sound more like a command and challenge than you wanted.

In the dark, you could only make out a vague silhouette of his perfectly sculpted face. you saw the corners of his lips tugging up, showing the smile you tried to memorise before you would have to constantly try to recall.

“y/n, I love you.” He breathed. “It was time I told you the truth.”

With that, you saw the shiny tears well up in his eyes and although he tried to keep it in, a single tear still rolled down.

“Jungkook, me too. So so much. I thought you saw my as your little sister and i reprimanded myself for even having a liking for you”. You confessed.

“Oh honey, you were wrong.” he said, and looked into the far distance with longing and sadness in his eyes.

“Trust me y/n, I’ll come back for you.”

“Pinky promise?”

“Pinky promise.” he assured.

It was under the vast night sky that you made another memory, another promise, another whole new feeling.

One that you’d still think of like a beautiful old book you loved.

The one you loved so much for all your life, where you’ll be his girl, and he’ll be your man.

a/n: inspired by the beautiful song, Perfect. Also, feel free to check out the other parts of the story linked right at the top! 🌻💓

[zoemurph]

before sunrise

on ao3 (full note on ao3) 

its been a really tough week, but as always, i really love the murphy siblings. i also really love my friends. thank you for putting up with me and im sorry for the silence. ill try to make it up somehow if youll let me.

warning: minor mentions of throwing up from "it's around 1:30" to "'zoe?' connor asks softly", because zoe is sick. its not described much at all, but figured id throw it out there. let me know if theres anything else i should warn about.

enjoy

It’s 4:17 in the morning when Zoe tip toes down the stairs and then makes eye contact with Connor, who’s sitting on the couch, eating cereal and staring at a blank TV screen.

Connor takes another bite of cereal and then puts the bowl down in his lap. “Hey.”

Zoe nods and walks into the kitchen, putting her instrument case on the floor by the table when she passes it.

Connor stares ahead at nothing for another few seconds before he takes his cereal and moves to join her.

“What are you doing up?” he asks, leaning against the island in the center of the room.

Zoe keeps her back toward him as she rummages through the fridge. “Competition,” she says shortly.

“At four in the morning?” Connor asks in surprise.

Zoe glances at him over her shoulder, eyebrows furrowed. “Yeah? Transportation time?”

Oh right. “Still, that’s really fucking early.”

She keeps staring at him. “Well you’re up.”

“That’s different,” Connor points out before stirring his cereal mindlessly.

“Why, ’cause you’re not leaving?” Zoe pulls out an orange and closes the fridge door with her elbow.  

Connor rolls his eyes. “No. Cause I never went to bed. There was no ‘waking up’ involved here.”

She frowns as she peels her orange. “Why didn’t you sleep?”

He shrugs and takes another bite of cereal.

“Hm.” Zoe slowly pulls apart the orange. “So did you just sit on the couch all night and stare at the TV?”

“Yes.” She looks surprised. “And then I grabbed a bowl of cereal and then I kept staring at the TV.” Connor keeps his gaze steady as Zoe decides what to do with that information.

Eventually, Zoe settles for “Oh.” And all other aspects of their relationship considered, Connor will settle for it.

“I have to go,” Zoe says suddenly. She slips past Connor and back into the dining room. She scoops up her case and grabs her keys off the hook without another word.

“Good luck,” Connor says from the kitchen doorway.

Zoe pauses at the front door. “Thanks.”

It’s 5:23 in the morning and Connor is sitting on the kitchen counter eating cold pizza.

Zoe hesitates in the doorway before she steps into the kitchen and leaves her backpack on the island.

“Early,” Connor says.

Zoe hums in agreement. She pulls a loaf of bread out of the cabinet and pops two pieces in the toaster. “Why are you up?” she asks as she opens the door to the fridge and pulls out the jelly. Someone, probably Connor, used the rest of the strawberry. She’ll settle for grape.

Connor shrugs.

They sit in silence as they wait for the toast to pop.

“Coffee?” Connor asks suddenly.

Zoe shakes her head. “I’ll stop at Starbucks on my way into school.”

Connor squints at the time on the stove. “It’s early.”

“I’m helping Alana with setup for the assembly today.” The toast pops. Zoe grabs a knife and a plate.

“You’re part of Student Council?” Connor asks. He doesn’t seem surprised. She’s not sure how to take that.

“No.” She focuses on spreading jelly evenly across the pieces of bread. Easier said than done. “I’m just helping Alana, you know how Student Council is.”

There’s a pause before Connor says, “No. Not really.”

Zoe looks up from her toast. “No one does shit,” she says flatly.

He lifts his pizza in acknowledgement. “Mood.”

She rolls her eyes. “Fuck off, Alana does everything. People don’t care, it just looks nice on college apps.”

“Sorry she has to deal with that,” Connor says after a moment. “It’s cool that you care.”

Zoe looks over to him. He’s staring off into the distance as he eats his pizza, like he didn’t say the words at all.

It’s 1:02 in the morning. Connor is hanging off the side of the couch upside down as Evan snores softly on the other end, curled up in a ball and hugging a pillow.

The stairs creak and he sits up, groaning as he uses abs that he definitely doesn’t have. The sudden change makes the blood rush from his head, and he grabs onto the arm of the couch as black spots burn his vision and his head spins. When it passes, he squints up at Zoe in the darkness.

She’s frozen in the middle of the stairs, eyes wide.

Connor hauls himself off the couch, moving for the first time in at least eight hours, which his body hates. He motions for Zoe to follow him into the kitchen and hears her following him quietly after a moment. He flicks on the light as he enters the kitchen and immediately heads to the fridge. Cynthia bought whipped cream and he’s not above squirting it directly into his mouth.

Zoe leans against the counter and crosses her arms over her chest.

“Did you want something?” Connor asks softly, pulling the can of whipped cream from the shelf.

She starts to shake her head then stops. “Couldn’t sleep,” she admits after a minute.

Connor puts the cover on the island before shaking the can. “Relatable.”

“When did Evan fall asleep?” she asks.

Good move. Evan is always a safe conversation topic. Just like Evan is a safe person to be around. Evan is just safe, that’s the best description Connor has come up with for him so far. “Maybe like half an hour ago. Long day.”

Zoe nods slowly and stares out of the kitchen into the darkness of the living room. “I can’t believe he fell asleep on the couch.”

Connor smiles. “Evan can fall asleep anywhere if he’s tired enough. He fell asleep leaning against Jared the other day.”

He watches Zoe fight a smile before he tips his head back and squirts whipped cream into his mouth. She’s probably judging him, but he remembers doing this with her when they were young. Younger. Their mom would put out strawberries and put a little bit of whipped cream on their plates. When she left the room, they’d sneak into the kitchen and squirt whipped cream into their mouths.

“That couch is the worst,” Zoe mutters. “Dad needs to move on so we can get a new one.”

Connor lowers the whipped cream and nods. They’ve had that old couch for as long as either of them can remember. It’s one of the only parts of the house that isn’t constantly updated. At one point it was comfortable, but now the cushions are flattened and the springs are dead. A night’s sleep on it is a guaranteed back ache for at least two days afterward.

“As long as Evan is asleep,” Connor says. He holds out the whipped cream to Zoe.

She stares at the can for a long moment before she takes it from him. “Why aren’t you asleep?”

Connor raises his eyebrows at her. “Sleep is for the weak.”

Zoe gives him a flat look.

“I took a nap after school in the library while waiting for Evan,” Connor says. “I can’t sleep.”

Zoe keeps her eyes on the floor for a moment before she lifts the whipped cream to her mouth and squirts it in.

Avoidance. Nice.

“You should go to sleep soon,” Connor says eventually. “You have that rehearsal today, right?”

She nods slowly. “It’s fine. I can sleep on the bus.”

Connor makes a face.

“I’ve done longer rehearsals on less sleep.” Zoe grabs the cap off the island and covers the whipped cream. “Besides, this is good practice for college.”

Connor watches her as she opens the fridge door to put away the can. They don’t talk about college. Or the future. For a while there they didn’t talk at all. And then talking about the future was too tentative, because it wasn’t something they thought they’d actually look at together. “Performance or education?” he asks as the fridge door swings closed.

“Performance,” Zoe murmurs. “But I’m also thinking about music therapy. There aren’t many schools with great programs but…” She trails off and looks at her feet. The socks she’s wearing are mismatched, one is covered with stars and the other with Marvel superheroes.

“You should go to bed,” Connor says.

Zoe nods. “You too.”

At 2:49, Zoe gives up and closes her history textbook. Her brain hurts and her eyes hurt and her neck hurts. She pushes away from her desk and stands up, stretching out her back and wincing when something pops. Then she goes down the stairs as quietly as possible because she desperately needs chocolate before she starts crying.

She almost has a heart attack when she flicks on the kitchen light, because Connor is sitting on the floor in the dark eating cup ramen.

“Oh my god,” she gasps, stumbling backward.

Connor looks up at her and then raises a hand. “Hey.”

“Don’t do that!” Zoe hisses. “I almost screamed.”

“Cool.” Connor takes a sip from his cup ramen.

She puffs up her cheeks and blows air out from between her lips as she pulls open the cupboards. “What are you doing up?”

“Studying. Emphasis on the dying part.” She glares at him and he shrugs. “I got sick of writing about literary fiction versus commercial fiction, fucking sue me.”

“Maybe I will.” Zoe finds a half used bag of chocolate chips from the last time they made pancakes. She pulls it out of the cabinet and tosses the bag clip on the island before joining Connor on the floor. “Want some?”

“Nah I’m eating healthy.”

She rolls her eyes and dumps a handful of chocolate chips into her palm. “Okay then. Are you just writing that paper or…?”

“Yeah at the moment.” Connor picks at the styrofoam cup. “Ev and I are meeting up after school tomorrow so he can study for Environmental Science and Alana promised she’d help me with math.”

“Alana is a gift,” Zoe muses before stuffing the entire handful of chocolate chips in her mouth.

“Mhm. What about you?”

Zoe holds up a hand as she chews the chocolate chips. She has so much to do and she’s trying not to think about it too much. Mostly she’s just stress eating, which is admittedly better than Evan’s stress not eating, but not by much. “Right now it’s history,” she says after she swallows. “I’m trying not to think about music theory. Or precalc. Or graphic design.”

“Ask Jared,” Connor says. “He’s good at that shit. He might be able to hack onto the computers and fix something real quick after class if you need him to.”

“That’s cheating, Connor.” Zoe takes another handful of chocolate chips.

“Do I look like I give a shit?” Connor asks before tipping his head back and draining the rest of the broth in his cup ramen.

Zoe shakes her head. “You look like you want to have too much salt in your body.”

“I’m already mostly salt,” Connor deadpans. “A little more can’t hurt.” He holds out his hand for a chocolate chip. Zoe generously gives him two. “You’ve got White for precalc, right? Because we need to talk about how terrible she is.”

Connor glances up from his laptop screen at 3:19 in the morning to see Zoe hovering at the edge of the stairs, hugging herself. He pauses the YouTube video he was mindlessly watching and pulls his earbuds out. “Why are you up, Zo?”

She shakes her head. “Couldn’t sleep.”

He wonders if she’s really that tired and out of it that she didn’t notice the nickname slip. “Why’d you come down here?” he asks. “Do you need like…food or something?”

She shakes her head again. “You’re always up.”

Connor can’t argue with that one. He still hasn’t figured out how to force himself to adopt a normal sleep schedule yet. He’s working on it, but every few weeks it gets really out of whack and he has to start all over. It’s a process. An annoying one.

“Do you…want to talk about it?” he asks slowly.

Zoe hesitates. “I kind of just want to sit,” she says.

Connor sits up and swings his legs off of the couch. “Then sit.” He scooches over as far as he can so she can have all the space she needs.

Zoe curls up on the other end of the couch, leaning against the armrest and wrapped up in a ball.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

She nods. “Yeah.”

He frowns.

“Go back to what you were doing,” Zoe murmurs. “I don’t want to bother you.

Connor looks to his YouTube video. He hadn’t been all that invested before but he’s even less invested now. After a few minutes, he clicks the search bar and looks for a composer, one he overheard Zoe talking about the other day that she supposedly really likes.

He’s not sure if he should know her favorite composer or not. He’s not really sure how any of this works. He just hopes he gets the name right.

Connor listens to songs while checking in on Zoe every few minutes out of the corner of his eye. Eventually, he finds a song that seems calming enough and unplugs his headphones, turning his laptop volume on low.

Zoe looks over to him in surprise.

Connor just shrugs and stuffs his headphones in his pocket. He clicks over to a new tab and does his own thing as the music plays.

Zoe moves closer as the song ends. “Can I…?” she trails off, gesturing to his laptop.

Connor blinks. “Oh yeah, sure.” He pulls the YouTube page back up before handing it over. He rubs his eyes as Zoe looks through the recommended videos.

He’s startled by the first note of the next song.

“Sorry about that,” Zoe apologizes.

“It’s cool.” Connor runs a hand through his hair. “Just tired.”

“You should sleep,” she mumbles.

You too. “On this couch?” Connor asks. “Fuck that.”

Zoe moves to hand Connor his laptop back.

Connor pushes it back towards her. “Keep it. You’ve got better taste in music.”

“You finally admit it,” she murmurs.

He pulls his legs up onto the couch and crosses them, letting his thoughts sink into the music. Zoe does have a nice taste in music, at least when it comes to instrumental band music. He glances over to her at one point and she’s nodding along to the beat, swaying back and forth with some of the dynamic changes.

Connor gets a weird feeling in his chest. Zoe’s hair is longer than he thought it was and she has circles under her eyes. She looks tired and he doesn’t think he can blame that on just tonight.

He has the overwhelming need to protect her. It’s weird.

“What’s this?” she asks, tilting the screen and pointing to a video that shows up in the recommended videos column.

Connor squints at it. “Some comedy sketch. I just kind of let YouTube run on autoplay when I’m out of it and weird shit starts showing up in my recommended videos.”

Zoe purses her lips before scooting closer. “I wonder if it’s funny,” she says as she clicks the video.

Zoe falls asleep on him about six videos later, when they’ve somehow gotten to a video on the top ten animated villain songs. Connor shuts his laptop and sets it on the table in front of them, careful not to move too much so he won’t disturb her.

It’s around 1:30 when Zoe stumbles out of bed and down the hallway, barely throwing the bathroom door open in time to bend over the toilet. She wipes her mouth with a tissue and flushes the toilet, grimacing.

Gross.

She groans as she sinks to the cold tile floor. It’s nice against her hot skin, but doesn’t change the fact that everything hurts and is awful right now.

And she thought she was maybe getting better.

“Zoe?” Connor asks softly.

She doesn’t turn away from the toilet, just lifts a hand in acknowledgement.

“You okay?”

Zoe takes a few slow breaths before she says, “I’m okay.”

“Here.” He flicks the light on and sits on the side of the tub. “Not going to school, huh?”

Zoe groans. “Please…”

Connor gives her a weak smile and yanks a hair tie out of his hair, his hair falling out of its ponytail as he does so. “Here.”

Zoe takes it and pulls her hair up into a messy bun. At least it’s out of her face now. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. You’re sick.” Connor leans closer and presses the back of his hand to her forehead. “And burning up. Shit, Zo, when did you take medicine?”

“Um…” She scrunches up her face. “Before bed?”

Connor looks up as he does some math in his head. “Yeah okay, you can take more now.”

“How long has it been?” she asks.

“Like nine hours.”

Zoe blinks. “Are you sure?”

“Sleep is weird and so is time.” Connor stands. “Do you think you can come downstairs with me or is staying hunched over a toilet a better idea?”

Zoe slowly gets to her feet. Connor grabs her arm when she wobbles a little. “I think I’m okay. I’ll be down in a second.”

“I’ll be in the kitchen.” Connor pauses in the doorway. “If you fall, just start yelling or something.”

“Sorry for waking you up,” she calls after him.

“You didn’t,” Connor promises.

Zoe brushes her teeth and stares at herself in the mirror for a minute. She looks like a corpse. She hates being sick and all of her homework is just piling up into a terrifying mountain of death.

She also feels like she’s going to pass out.

Water is good.

She leans heavily on the railing as she climbs downstairs, following the trail of lights Connor left on into the kitchen. He’s drinking orange juice and sitting on the island. He’s left out a medicine cup filled with purple grape flavored lies. Zoe scowls as she picks it up.

“Bottoms up,” Connor says, lifting his glass in a toast. “Actually wait.” He hops down from the island and opens the fridge, pulling out chocolate syrup. “Go.”

Zoe huffs and downs the medicine, trying not to gag.

“Open wide,” Connor says, uncapping the chocolate syrup.

Zoe opens her mouth again as Connor squeezes chocolate syrup in. Then he does the same to himself.

“You didn’t take medicine,” Zoe says.

“I’m taking care of you,” Connor says. “This is my payment.”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “‘m fine.”

Connor gives her a look. “Sure.”

“I’m almost an adult, I can take care of myself.”

He shudders. “Don’t remind me.”

“Why? Is me being an adult that scary?”

“No, it reminds me that I’m an adult.”

Zoe laughs. It turns into a cough and Connor pats her back until she can breathe right again.

“My laptop is still hooked up to the TV if you want to illegally watch Disney movies,” Connor says.

Zoe nods. “Yeah, that’d be good.”

She curls up on the couch with a blanket because now she’s too cold even though Connor insists her fever is up, and takes a water bottle from Connor when he hands it to her over the back of the couch. He pulls up Princess and the Frog without Zoe even having to argue that it’s way better than Lilo and Stitch.

“Thanks,” she mumbles. “Was I supposed to take that medicine with food?”

“Not sure,” Connor admits. “But here.” He holds out a box of Saltines. “Found these in the back of the cabinet. Bland, salty, and white. Just like me.”

Zoe snorts as she takes them from him. “You aren’t that bland.” She opens the box. “Don’t you have school in a few hours?” Connor shrugs. “Whatever.”

 At 12:36, Zoe pulls open the front door. Connor ducks his head as he squeezes past her and into the house.

“Thanks,” he whispers as he pulls down his hood. It started raining as he had walked home and now all of him is a little damp.

Zoe crosses her arms. “Where were you?”

“Out.” Connor moves to go into the kitchen. He needs something warm to eat or drink right now. He can’t feel his hands.

She grabs onto his jacket, yanking him backwards. “Seriously?!”

Connor sighs and gives in. “Can you let me, like, get a snack? It’s not a big deal.”

“It is if it involves you sneaking in and out.” She shoves him. “I thought you were getting better than this.”

“I am,” Connor snaps. He jerks free and stalks off to the kitchen. He pulls open the fridge and stares at its contents, which doesn’t help the fact that he’s freezing.

“Here.” Zoe grabs a container of leftovers out of the fridge and shoves it at Connor. “Those are going to go bad. If you’re going to be midnight snacking, at least eat something we need to get rid of.”

“Closer to one am,” Connor corrects. “Round up.”

Zoe glares at him.

She continues to watch him with an unimpressed gaze as he heats up pasta from last week in the microwave.

“When did you sneak out?” she asks when there are fourteen seconds left.

Connor pulls the microwave door open before it can beep. “About nine.”

“Why.”

He ignores her and bumps her over to get to the silverware.

“Connor,” she says warningly. “I won’t help you sneak in and out if you won’t tell me what’s going on. There’s nothing stopping me from getting mom or dad right now.”

“You wouldn’t,” he says flatly.

Zoe takes a deep breath.

“It’s none of your business,” he hisses.

She scowls. “You making me let you back in makes it my business. Why didn’t you bring your key? Come on. That’s basic.”

Connor shrugs. “I left it at Evan’s my mistake.” He focuses on his pasta and tries not to look at her.

“Evan’s?” Zoe asks. “You haven’t been over his house for like…two days. Besides, you had your key earlier…today…”

Connor stuffs his mouth full of pasta. She can’t question him if he can’t talk and he can’t talk if he’s eating.

There’s a long pause that gives him far too much time to chew the way too big bite of pasta he took.  

“You were at Evan’s?” Zoe asks softly.

Connor nods and continues to not look at her.

“Why?”

“He needed someone,” Connor mumbles. “His mom was at work and Jared was working on a project and Ev didn’t want to bother them.”

Zoe sighs. “You could’ve just told me that.”

“It really wasn’t any of your business. And besides,” he meets her eyes, “you assumed the worst.” Which stung more than he was willing to admit it did.

Zoe shifts uncomfortably under his gaze. “Yeah, I did. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he mutters. He stabs a piece of pasta with his fork. “It’s whatever. Thanks for letting me in.”

“Always.” Zoe clears her throat. “You can always like…tell me stuff. If you need to. I know I’m not like… I know it’s different but— yeah.”

Connor glances at her. “Yeah.”

It’s 3:44 in the morning when Zoe wakes up with a cramp in her calf and an incredibly dry throat. She practically stumbles down the stairs as she tries to walk off the cramp and bumps into the doorframe when she tries to enter the kitchen.

She grumbles to herself and rubs her shoulder before flicking on the kitchen lights. She blinks in surprise. “Connor?”

Connor looks up from where he’s sitting on the floor, hair messy and face streaked with tears.

“Are…are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he mutters. His voice sounds hoarse.

Zoe hesitates. “Do you— Can I do anything? To help?”

Connor presses a hand to his forehead and squeezes his eyes shut.

“Connor?” she asks softly. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

He takes a shaky breath. “No.”

“What can I do?” She steps a little closer. “How can I help?”

“Just…stay. For a minute.”

Zoe sits down on the kitchen floor an arms length away from Connor. She’s supposed to be good at this comforting thing, but now that she’s here she has no idea if she’s supposed to do or say anything. She settles for just sitting in silence, because that’s all Connor wanted. For her to be here.

There’s probably something deep in that, but she’s tired.

“I’m sorry,” Connor chokes out after a few minutes.

Zoe furrows her eyebrows. “For what?”

“Everything.” He buries his face in his knees. “Everything,” he repeats, voice muffled.

Zoe takes a breath. “I’m not leaving,” she promises as she stands up. She pulls two plastic cups from a cabinet. The colors are faded and old but for some reason, their mom hasn’t thrown them out yet. She fills both up with water before joining Connor on the floor again. “Here,” she says, holding out one of the cups to him. “Hydration is important or something.”

Connor looks up to her with watery eyes before taking the cup. He wipes his face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. “Sorry.”

“I just got you some water,” Zoe says. “It’s not a big deal. And it’s what I came down here for anyway.”

Connor stares down into his cup. “Still.”

Zoe sighs. No time like the present. “I accept your apology,” she says. “I don’t forgive you for everything, and I don’t think I can, but I accept your apology and I want to move past it. Look to the future and all that stuff. I… I want to help, Con. If you’re okay with that.”

Connor sniffs. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Yeah but I want to.” There were years where she had just given up and she’d stopped thinking he could get better. And in the end he proved her wrong. “I offered to.”

Connor takes a deep breath. “Don’t. Not if— it’s not worth it if you’re going to be like mom and think this is fixed quickly because I’m sick of pretending I’m better than I am.”

“I know,” Zoe murmurs. “I want to know if you’re actually okay or not. I want to know if I should be worried or… You’re my big brother. I just want you to be that.”

Connor’s face crumples and Zoe puts her cup down on the floor before taking his cup from his hands and putting it down next to hers. She touches his shoulder. “Connor?”

He pulls her into a tight hug, burying his face in her shoulder.

For a moment, she’s frozen. She can’t remember the last time they hugged. Or the last time that it felt real.

Zoe hugs him tight as they sit on the kitchen floor, the sun not even above the horizon yet. She still doesn’t really know what to say. Because she doesn’t actually know if things will get better. She wants to hope, but years have made her cynical and that’s really sad for her to say as a seventeen year old. So she just hugs Connor until he’s ready to let go.

Then they sit on the couch and watch Lilo and Stitch together, illegally on the first site that doesn’t threaten to give Connor’s laptop a virus. And she doesn’t even argue against it.