#while nygma thinks why on earth he would help him especially if that was not his shot

[krsvchh]

i just had a dream with an idea for nygmob drawing bUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

[ficrecslist]

Fic Rec Sunday #1

This week's fandoms include Boku no Hero Academia and Batman. Please make sure to look through the fic tags for content warnings before reading.

Batman

Brilliant Analytical Minds by stuckoncloud9 (62k, WIP, T)

When one of Bruce Wayne's socialite friends is murdered, her grieving uncle shocks Gotham by hiring the Riddler to deduce the identity of her killer.

An interesting and yet plausible take on a pairing I've never read before: Bruce Wayne/Edward Nygma.

the higher fidelity by birdsofthesoul (3k, T)

Bruce goes sheet-white, looking like Dick’s just cut him to the quick, and Dick can’t help but think they should have booked a flight, discretion be damned. This — this is why they don’t do road trips. Cars are like confessionals, cramped spaces built for coercing confessions, and neither of them are good with words.

Recollect, re-collect by Ptelea (94k, T)

Jason would tell you that his most recent case, where he stopped a wannabe warlock's spell-in-progress, went just fine.

Jason would also tell you he was fine with the distant, prickly status quo of his relationships with the other Bats.

(Jason is maybe not the most reliable of narrators.)

Or: A spell gone wrong leads to Jason hashing some things out--with himself, with Dick, and with the rest of the Batfam. Featuring: rather a lot of thoughts and conversations about memory, change, damage, love and trust, accountability, family, hurt, lies, death, Spyral, pedestals, cases, memorials, stories, and Robin.

Recced two works from this author just because their characterisation and writing is so good.

Chatterbox by Ptelea (24k, T)

"Yeah, I'm fine," Dick said. Then he frowned, because he had not just meant to say that.

Or: Eight times that spells or serums affected Dick's ability to speak and / or their aftermath.

Life Happens by Cdelphiki (176k, G)

While walking home from an event at Wayne Enterprises, Tim and Damian are kidnapped and sent to an alternate dimension. In a world where superheroes are merely comic book characters and the idea of the multiverse is only a theory found within the pages of science fiction, how are Tim and Damian going to return home? How long will they be stranded on this strange Earth? And will the boys murder each other before they figure it out?

the prophetic spring by yellow_caballero (32k, T)

When Tim Drake was seven years old he found 4chan. This would eventually kill him, and then proceed to kill very many other people afterwards, thus adding to the website’s already considerable body count. It would also save a few lives, which was a first for 4chan.

Part of a series, and is my favourite role reversal Robins fic. Definitely give this one a try.

Boku no Hero Academia

reconcile by whatagoodegg (100k, WIP, T)

Midoriya and Shigaraki get hit with a Quirk that basically locks the both of them in an indestructible box and makes them unable to physically harm each other. The only way for them to get out?

They have to reconcile their differences.

Obviously, this is easier said than done.

Really well done so far, and it digs deeply into both Shigaraki's and Midoriya's dynamic. It's sympathetic to Tomura but the writer pulls off the tension being stuck with the villain who tried to kill you and your classmates very well, especially in the first few chapters, and their relationship development comes across organically and authentic. (Note: Shigaraki is portrayed younger than in canon)

Singularity by BonesOfBirdWings (8k, T)

Yoichi dreams an impossible dream - one perfect day as a hero.

A nice little bodyswap fanfic where the first OFA user wakes up in Midoriya's body for the day.

Japan v. Shigaraki (2237) SCOJ No. 4401 by Anubis_2701 (21k, T)

After months of delay and bureaucratic mishandling, the Japanese Supreme Court has confirmed that the trial of Shigaraki Tomura, the mass murderer, supervillain and terrorist responsible for a slew of horrific crimes across the country, will begin on the 4th of September. Prosecutors say they are confident they can obtain convictions for all 408 charges. 

It is unknown at this stage whether Shigaraki himself will take the stand.

The author has put a lot of work into this fake court case and I think it's simply incredible. Lots of things to commend here.

By Any Other Name by SatelliteBlue (258k, T)

Through some freak accident of the universe, Dabi has been invited to compete on The Bachelorette. Have they actually seen his face? Surprisingly yes, and they still want him. For this season they apparently need a ‘bad boy’ to both balance out the hero contestant (why in hell is Hawks involved?) and to trash talk the show in interviews to appeal to audiences who don’t like the scripting. Getting sent on a vacation away from his annoying bandmates to complain and eat as much free food as he wants? Sold.

If there's one BNHA fic you have to try, this is the one. This and the fic below are DabiHawks.

The Sword of Damocles is Swinging by Princeliest (60k, T)

When the Hero Public Safety Commission says ‘jump,’ Hawks skips asking 'how high' and works his way from jump rope to jumping jacks before opening his mouth to complain that he can fly. Their latest request, a PR campaign geared to present Hawks as the heroic icon of the masses, at least seems easier than getting his feathers burned off by Dabi’s pet noumu… Right?

In which Hawks gets surgery, defeats a traumatized villain, receives some unwelcome fanmail, garners the sympathy of terrorists, accidentally forges enough relationships to cumulatively value as at least one friend, and maybe, eventually, asks for help - not necessarily in that order.

Missing Everything by Haptronym (59k, WIP, T)

Izuku misses a very important reveal and ends up with a villain-filled soda bottle instead. In the ensuing chaos, he befriends someone named Toshinori Yagi.

All Might misses the chance to make a snap decision and ends up mentoring a very heroic, very determined child who has no idea who he really is.

[inappropriatefangirlneeds]

Gotham s4ep21 “One Bad Day”  Personal Review

“It´s an odd time for a nap” Warning spoilers below 

* “Oh, Jim, you still think that you're the only one who can save the city.” Okay that one was lovely. Almost a bit like that one Pirates of the Caribbean movie.  I love how everyone was vaguely rooting for the same thing: Save the City! while trying to as well reach their own personal goals.  > LUCIUS FOX of course is the precious cinnamon roll that he is and just wants to save the city.  > JIM GORDON kind of just wants to save the city as well. But I do think this whole talk with Edward, as entertaining as it was it was jarring plot wise. Of course we do have the “We're gonna settle this. No, Jim. This isn't the GCPD. Here, I make the rules, so we're not gonna do this until we talk about what I want to talk about.” line that claims Edward is the one that wants to discuss  relationship stuff while Jim is the one who wants to stick to saving the city. But Jim actually brought as much into the conversation as Ed did. Especially if he indeed thinks Leslie is just using Edward he should have just kept this to himself and let Edward run into his misery and laugh about it over the whiskey into which he usually cries. But for Jim it´s at least as important as it is for Ed to plant his flag in that conversation. He´s still asserting “ownership” (for the lack of a better word..) over Leslie Thompkins by claiming he knows her better than Ed does. Ed might have the relationship and the sex but Jim still got the connection to who Leslie really is, ha ha take that Ed (to be read in Jim´s voice.) > TABITHA GALAVAN worries about the city, BUTCH GILZEAN doesn´t comment it but both want a cure for Butch.  > BARBARA KEAN was really endearing in the scene with Jerome. She goes from “not really??!” to “absolutely not on my watch”, her personal stake in it was being nice to Tabitha. How Sweet.  > OSWALD COBBLEPOT is a bit more used to situations like this. He´s just keeping an eye on his goals: Money. While waving the city issue aside “Of course not” just to scramble and struggle and scurry to do all he can to make things better once they went astray. > LESLIE THOMPKINS want´s her “legal knots untangled” and of course save the city as well. It´s a win win thing.  “We solve it and we trade the information for clemency.” “I'm trying to protect what we've built.” > EDWARD NYGMA is bound to act in Leslie´s interest “Well, then the mayor would be wise to forgive Lee and I our indiscretions.”  But he´s in fact kind of the only one to declare that he personally doesn´t give a damn about Gotham. “If Gotham becomes a rock pile, I mind zero percent. I'm only helping you because I'm with Lee now.”  The situation is however one that he´s trying to use to figure out more about his nagging “does Lee even like me” question. > Oddly the show sent BRUCE WAYNE on a much more personal quest this week. By getting him out of the GCPD he´s separated from the Save Gotham plotline. Of course you could say everything that´s against Jeremiah could be useful for that other goal but there´s a split. SELINA KYLE also is just there to “be there for Bruce” what a muffin. * “I almost got killed fighting your ex-boyfriend's rotting corpse.” Everyone is so nice and grown up to each other. I don´t like the whole Tabs, Babs, Butch relationship mess but I really like how they keep treating each other. BARBARA KEAN sees how important BUTCH GILZEAN is to TABITHA GALAVAN and just a small reminder how Tabitha was there for her is more than enough to have her agree to helping her.   JIM GORDON and LESLIE THOMPKINS agree that the past changed things but they still care for each other and respect each other. As icky as the whole situation including Edward Nygma is (rant above and below), that is sweet. Then the third trifecta is SELINA KYLE also despite all the ups and downs being there for BRUCE WAYNE and even explicitly voicing this! It´s not a I hate you but I´m here. It´s also a unmistakable I like you. Progress.  And while we´ve had all those unusual little moments of agreement between Alfred and Bruce we have ALFRED PENNYWORTH acknowledge her by basically asking her to stay for dinner. Sweet.  So JEREMIAH VALESKA and BRUCE WAYNE. I´m not feeling it > Jerome still tries to tell everyone he´s better than his brother and saneTM.  “Are you out of your mind?!” “Why do you keep insisting I'm insane? What's insane about having a backup plan?” / “I'm nothing if not sane. And reasonable. Two things my brother never valued. Which is why I'll be successful where he failed. Well, that and being vastly more intelligent.” > He´s then again acknowledging that his brother was right that there was something inside of him.  “Jerome gave me what I thought was the worst day of my life. But only by losing everything was I  able to face what was inside me.  And I believe I've seen something very special inside of you as well. But to free it, you'll have to lose everything and everyone you hold dear.”  > I feel vaguely remembered of how RA´S wanted to kill everyone that Bruce loved to change him. > While talking to Selina Kyle Bruce wonders if that one day made part of him insane and if Jeremiah saw this and wanted to bring it out. I somehow could not care less. I don´t really feel medias obsession with that “beast/evil inside man” or whatever. Like just don´t? Even Jeremiah made an effort to “just don´t”, and it would have worked if it weren’t for him getting poisoned. That´s hardly relevant. > Then we have RA´s AL GHUL and Jeremiah both obsessing over Bruce Wayne and teaming up. Okay.  > On a side note: Ra´s what good are your visions if you have to makes sure yourself that they happen? How´s that different from you know ordinary people, usually that´s called having an idea. 

* “Ah, Lucius. It's making some kind of weird noise.” “What kind of a noise?” “A bad one, and and it's it's, uh, getting all glowy.” HARVEY BULLOCK so we got the message that mob mentality wise the GCPD  is still pissed because of the Pyg scenario and blames Harvey. But all it takes to get them clapping again is some (dumb) luck of choosing the right 50% option. Okay, okay and the willingness to run up to a bloody bomb. But to be fair all the police still in the city took kind of the same risk, so we are down again to the luck thing.  Look, I love Harvey. But the dynamics of “followers”, including the Valeska ones on this show are just ridiculous. * “Detective. Don't lie to me.” “It's not looking good, kid.”  Harvey keeping to lie to himself about Jim´s likely demise was sweet though. Also hooray for another case of directly addressing an issue (Does it show that I´ve been around too much passive aggressiveness lately, and tbh struggle with that myself .. ) *  “Leave Gotham. Start a new life somewhere else. Alone.” JIM GORDON telling LESLIE THOMPKINS that she should leave Gotham and should start a new life again (2x15). Like that one time when he already did, and she left and started a new life and then Jim shot her husband. Am I a bit sensitive here or is that additional “alone” kind of not okay? Like it feels like an implied if Jim can´t have her no one should. She´s  been through so much and has done so much that she´s not worth anything more than a life in solitude? Like I get why Jim would think that Leslie couldn´t have feelings for Edward (and I agree #Kristen #framedJimlostchild etc)  but hey how about she might think it´s nice that someone is around that cares about her, and even is ready to suppress his own narcissistic goals and ways for the sake of her.. While the scene with EDWARD NYGMA and Jim Gordon tattling about Leslie was funny I hate it in terms of plot. And if Leslie & Ed´s split is going to be about Jim Gordon or in general a “this is my wifey” conflict I´m gonna murder someone. There´s already been plenty of tension in between them before they mashed Jim into this. This could be about Leslie´s ambitions and goals. As much as I´m kind of meh about the whole atoning for her Virus related sins (or her injecting herself the virus in the first place .. ) thing I like that her character got a goal in doing god (even if they haven´t really shown how she wants to reach a better situation for her people in a way that does even seem slightly plausible) while at the same getting some badass scenes and now I fear this is going to be pushed to the background for the sake of everything being about Leslies feelingz. Nothing wrong with emotions but how about we can get her not being about her feels for men and about her feels for what she thinks is her duty. * JIM GORDON got some advanced phone trolling going on. Him being on screen just like the Valeska´s before is almost as good as him keeping hanging up on Jervis Tetch.   * And “A PALE imitation of Jerome”  how on earth could he drop that one with a straight face :D * “It doesn´t matter”  What kind of crap interlude was the SCARECROW scene? Like I appreciate the view, thanks. I also very much relate to just abandoning the task once it turns out to be more difficult than expected. Like a girl against three villains who would have guessed that much trouble. But that´s just a waste of a potentially so interesting character. Like do something with that beanpole of terror Gotham! But hey .. at least his lack of commitment to the task DID in fact matter in the end!  * And srsly why is the one that got tortured going to make dinner? I get that none of the three had an easy day so how about just ordering some food? ALFRED honey make that shower a very long hot and bubbly bath, that´s the least. * On another side note: Why did they spare Alfred? Why have a stand in? Why keep Alfred alive? Did they have something more sinister planned? Bruce killing real Alfred 2.0?  * “ You do realize the city is about to be blown up? It's an odd time for a nap. “You know that she drugged me.” “Yeah. Don't really care.”  * Think. Think. Think, think, think, think, think, think” * “ sighs You're behind me, aren't you?”  * “Would you believe it? They put me on hold.” Whoever wrote JERMIAH´s lines, bless you. They are so polite, polished and yet vaguely unsettling. I love them.  Of course bless Cameron as well! * “I hope you didn't catch a cold in my brother's grave. I know those things aren't exactly designed for the living.” * “No, not Alfred”  Oh hello there Theo Galavan, long time no see ..  they really refuse to do the “beautiful morning” thing with Theo (Aka you can´t have a dying character talk about something going to be a beautiful morning  2x11 and then have them be revived 3x6 and not have them say something like oh what a beautiful morning or not as beautiful as expected) but then repeat that one line with another character ??! Gotham?!   * Oddly it´s even nice to see Oswald getting a dose of what others that went against him had to put up with buuut .. let´s get back to Oswald having the great Plan B´s n stuff again soon pls

[justgotham]

Spoilers ahead: The following discusses plot points from the April 24 episode of Gotham, “Heroes Rise: How The Riddler Got His Name.”

There is no question about it, The Riddler has finally made his entrance on Gotham. In tonight’s “spring premiere” of the show, Edward Nygma donned all green, took to wearing a bowler hat, and, lest we forget, went on a killing spree in an attempt to find his intellectual equal (and perhaps shed the ghost of his best friend Oswald).

The evolution of Ed from GCPD lab rat, to psychopath, to Arkham inmate, to Penguin’s consigliere, and now, at last, to the quizzing villain, has been a long one – but also well earned, and enjoyable to watch, courtesy of the performance of Cory Michael Smith.

At a recent press screening of the episode, Smith said Nygma has called himself The Riddler, but the story now continues about what that exactly means, and who this new person is that constantly struggles with identity.

“Now begins a whole new journey of a new identity for him,” he said.

On that note, I spoke with Smith – coincidentally on the same day he wrapped filming on Season 3 – about the episode “How The Riddler Got His Name,” and what might be next on the journey of Nygma/Riddler.

At the end of this episode, is Nygma free of Penguin? Has he shed that Penguin ghost?

No. I think he thinks he is, and wants to be. But the sort of symbolic gesture of letting go of this short-term addiction to drugs. They took out a scene that explained why I was doing that, which is that all of the mayoral duties I’m covering, and I’m taking them to stay awake. It is essentially speed. I think having context of why I was taking pills would have helped. But getting rid of that, and saying goodbye to him, is moving.

But the problem is, Oswald isn’t really gone.

He is essentially a co-dependent character.

Edward is constantly defining himself based on how people perceive him, react to him, how people rank him – if he’s funny, charming, mainly if he’s intelligent. While he’s quite a loner, and quite independent – more so than most people – he is very dependent on people’s perceptions. It dictates what he does next.

Are his riddles a defense mechanism to prevent getting to know who he is?

I think riddles for him are an investigation of someone’s intelligence. I think it is a way of testing people, tricking people, making sure he is smarter than them, and measuring if someone is potentially an equal. In the future, once he gets going with the games of riddles, then it becomes about finding someone who is an interesting competitor – who ends up being Bruce Wayne; he is remarkably intelligent. But is like a guy playing chess in Washington Square Park: They don’t want to play against some amateur. They’re sitting there, waiting for the real guy to come and sit down, and really give them a run. He wants to have fun.

Does it eat away at him that Bruce Wayne solved his question in the Season 2 finale?

Oh, yeah. Especially because he’s a juvenile. I thought it was captured well the moment Lucius gets it; that Edward is actually excited by that. He is not necessarily intimidated by it, or pissed someone answered his riddle. He wants people to answer his riddles. It is kind of exciting.

When he finds someone on his level, what’s his goal? To kill them? To join them?

I think that’s the changing variable as Riddler moves on in his life. It certainly changed throughout the comics. When it started, it was all fun and games. Today, it is quite demented, and murderous. The Riddler in Earth-One is jacked, and has a question mark tattooed on his face. It is a completely different kind of mind-and-body meets Batman, not just the mind. But I like the idea of him right now being more of an adventurer, showman, and puzzle artist – and just tricking people. I don’t think he’s remarkably homicidal.

Does it nag at him that Barbra Kean, who he probably views as insane, figured out Penguin killed Isabella, and he was meanwhile duped?

Yeah, and it actually happens to him more than he would like. Other people figure stuff out before him, and that is the ultimate frustration, and embarrassment. I filmed something today where he’s utterly humiliated because he was completely outdone. It is just the lowest for him. He is not trying to run Gotham – not yet at least. He is just trying to be the smartest dude out there. And, ideally, to be the great havoc Gotham has seen. He wants to be known, and respected, and regarded as a remarkably intelligent man.

Would he be an interesting pairing with Cameron Monaghan’s Jerome? One wants to create chaos, and the other wants to do it, but intelligently.

Oh, gosh. I know. The thing about Jerome is the lack of predictability. I got along with Oswald because I could figure Oswald out. I knew what motivated him, what he wanted, how to help him get what he wanted, how to do backroom stuff, and deliver what he wanted. Jerome is not satisfied by anything. He just wants mayhem and anarchy. I think Edward is a bit more logical, and purposeful. I don’t think he would trust him.

Will you discuss the journey as actors you and Robin Lord Taylor have been on this season?

It’s amazing. I love Robin, and having spent so much time with him is so cool. It is the richest relationship on the show, for me personally. I have never done anything like this, long-form TV. We now made 66 episodes of television. To have let these people grow this much, and to have this many experiences with another character? It feels like a genuine relationship. We, as actors, come into a project – you do a movie that’s two hours long, and you build a backstory. It is work you do, and part of the craft. Here, it is being done for us because we are living through it in real time. It is incredible we have this other relationship we are living through. It has been a blast, and the way we end is … the antagonism is really intense. And it is setting up some cool s*** for four. I don’t know what they’re going to do with it, but there is a lot of potential between he and I.

[its-just-like-the-movies]

Date Night!: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Back when the swell fella who would become my boyfriend and I were in one of those strange middle grounds where we were on our way to becoming a couple and very, very aware of it, our first sort-of-date was when Tommy invited me to go see Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice on its opening night. I, of course, accepted, somewhat reluctantly. I can’t remember if I was expecting the film to be good or bad, though I’m sure before then some of its abysmal reviews had been public. I was also nervous about the whole “oh my god this is probably sort of a date isn’t it”, especially since at the time I didn’t know him all that well. This would be the first of many dates at Ze Cinemah, although after this we’d be perfectly, happily aware that they were all dates. Even better, I think, is our immediate discussions after the film is over, and how eager we are to talk about it and discuss what we’ve just seen. We’ve seen plenty of films together, and maybe I’ll talk about other ones we’ve seen someday, but I can already feel a pit in my stomach drop at having to talk about this stinking pile of steamingness. All said, Batman v Superman is one of those truly atrocious films, like The Judge or The Danish Girl, that works like so much manure and makes me start sparking and frothing with how horrible they were. It’s an energizer more than it is a depressive, though it for sure is both, and there is one thing about our date in particular that haunts me every day. It’s not even something the film did, but something I did, or almost did, but could have done more of. Something that perhaps could have changed the screening for the whole theater, or as Anthony Hopkins keeps saying in the trailers for the new Transformers movies “change the tide of human history itself”. I wonder about it every day and every night, as I sleep and as I wake, and especially as a type this story to you, The Void, and now I must share the tale of my screening of Batman vs Superman with you to get it of my chest, to free myself, and to see where the tides of human history itself shall take me. Also: I’m going to be very mean to this film, and am very not interested in hearing about how wrong I am from random eggs as I and many others I know have been on Twitter. I hate it, don’t care if you love it, for fuck’s sake leave me alone.

It didn’t take the two of us long to find a pair of seats, though we immediately moved to the row behind us because our view was partially blocked by the structure of the stairwell. We warned the couple who ended up taking those seats about it, though I can’t remember if they moved too. And the film starts. Zack Snyder has the gall to open the film by reminding us that Batman’s parents died in front of him during a robbery gone wrong. He also seemingly cannot hire Jeffrey Dean Morgan to do much beyond die in the openings of his films, though I remember he had more to do in Watchmen. The visual of Martha’s(!!!) pearl necklace snapping in the gun’s safety as the trigger is pulled is sort of fascinating but also pretty grotesque, all things considered. Batffleck is saying something, though I cannot remember what. We see the funeral, little Bruce running into the woods in sadness during the procession, only to fall into a well or pit or some such hole in the ground. The score, I’m sure, was going crazy.

And then, it happens. Baby Bruce is levitated out the pit by seemingly hundreds of bats flying around him like a tornado, floating him towards the light. This is how we are abruptly told that this is a dream sequence, and reader, I laughed. Not the cackle it deserved, but I couldn’t stop it from escaping completely. I chuckled, giggled, whatever; I’m pretty sure Tommy hit me on the arm to calm me down and get me stop but I’m not quite sure. The giggle is what counts, though, and it haunts me. What if I had just burst out laughing at a moment that the whole theater was palpably flummoxed by? Batffleck wakes up but I am still reeling from the horseshit prologue we have been subjected to. It is not the most nonsensical thing we are going to see in this movie. It is not even the least plot-relevant indulgence that Zack Snyder will take us through, nor the least inexplicable jump of energy or plot logic that we’ll be forced to sit through. Academy Award winner Holly Hunter will be forced to stare dramatically, in close-up, to a jar of piss before she and dozens of other people are killed in an assassination plot meant to frame Superman, whose own close up registers at the subtle, bottomless despair and discomfort of sitting on the can and realizing you’re not quite done shitting, except Henry Cavill also registers as remarkably bored. Jeremy Irons reads every line as Alfred Pennyworth with such bitchy, subtly nasty inflections that I actually found the character an unwelcome presence, though if anyone found this a life raft of something enjoyable happening on screen, particularly Irons, then by all means savor him. Amy Adams will throw a Kryptonite spear into an underwater pile of rubble and, with no indication that Lois Lane has been told why the heroes need it to vanquish the rock monster that is Doomsday, dives into the water and nearly drowns recovering it. Batman slaughters - in fact, he often guns down - dozens of criminals on screen, brands sex offenders, had one montage that’s just him training to become even beefier and another, completely bizarre dream sequence that may also be a warning from another dimension’s Flash where Superman is technically Hitler, and Barry Allen screams about Lois Lane before Batffleck wakes up at his desk, which is meant to convey that this May Have Been A Dream Or Is It Ooooooh. This scene has no narrative impact and is never referenced again, though it is not as patently stupid as is the sight of Superman, wielding that Kryptonite spear, deciding to kamikaze himself by killing Doomsday with the knowledge that he cannot survive any assault the giant may bring on him while he is in such close proximity to said spear, ignoring the two superheroes who have been helping him fight Doomsday this whole time.

There are plenty of other absurd, delicious, amazingly shitty one-offs. Michael Shannon is credited for appearing in the film for the three seconds General Zod’s corpse floats in the remains of his spaceship. The President of the United States decides to nuke Superman in the middle of his fight with Doomsday after the latter threw the Man of Steel into the Earth’s orbit (a safe enough distance to nuke him, I suppose). Diane Lane is duck taped and tied to a chair, threatened to be burned alive as Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor throws photos of her with “Witch” written on her face, and all of this is tied into some mythological asinine crap that is Luthor’s motivation for wanting to kill Superman and create Doomsday in the first place. Eisenberg spends the whole film as some combination of Edward Nygma and a meth addict’s impersonation of Heath Ledger’s Joker, and it is by far the biggest trainwreck in the whole film. I think I also resisted laughing once “MARTHA!!???!?!?!?!!!” happened but in truth, I blocked that out of my memory. The sheer joy of seeing Wonder Woman, and hearing the score come alive as she roars into battle, literally, at some points, is all that is keeping me from giving this film an F grade, though perhaps I just can’t rate an Amy Adams film that low. Gal Gadot is at least enjoying herself, which is in even bigger contrast to the stark constipation that Cavill and Ben Affleck are constantly exuding. The film has ideas about literal hero worship, about what Superman could mean or stand for, and wants to have real conversations about his necessity, but it jerry-rigs them through Christic imagery and working hard to undermine the criticisms of genuine challengers and the critics themselves. Bruce’s hatred and suspicion of the Man of Steel seems completely arbitrary, banking on the fear of Superman turning on humanity in spite of his big coming-out party as a global entity being the eradication of his home species for the sake of mankind. Horrific as the collateral damage was, it’s not in line with anything Superman does in the film, is shown as doing, or is framed as doing by Synder himself, who doesn’t pretend for a moment that there’s actually anything wrong with Superman. He’s content to make the man a misunderstood martyr, a golden boy whose death inspires the formation of The Justice League and the warming up of Batman’s glacial, inherently distrusting heart. Superman is basically fridged on behalf of Bruce Wayne, and it’s clumsily executed as Smallville himself is. 

There are so many vile, absurd, abstracted, unnecessary, horrific moments in this film and yet, I still wonder how much that night would’ve changed had I actually burst out laughing at the beginning of the film. What would’ve changed for the whole theater if some jackass sitting hear the back-left had cackled as a small child is literally lifted out of a scene the filmgoing public had seen at least seventy-eight million times by now, one that kicks off an indefensibly ghastly excuse for a Hollywood spectacle lit worse than even the lowest budge episode of The X-Files and colored like it’s scared that bright shades will deflate how Dour and Serious this Cinematic Experience is? Recounting many of the set pieces I’ve already mentioned back to my sister afterwards I couldn’t help cackling at some of them, though I did so far more angrily with Tommy immediately after, baffled not just that I had paid for this film but that it even existed, that anybody who made this gigantic dumpster fire thought that it was in any way a competently crafted, psychologically or emotionally coherent picture. Could we, as a crowd, as a community, have laughed at this horseshit for what it was? I love that in horror movies the audience always make the pact with itself that fine, this is a lot, you deserve a good scream. This picture was even more upsetting, and perhaps if I’d laughed, having taken the piss out of it so goddamn early, we wouldn’t have had to just sit there and take it. We could’ve fought back and laughed at it (with it?), openly railed against it, or just fucking not be quiet throughout this whole ordeal. I will always be haunted by this inaction on my part, and to this day it shames me.

He did try to defend parts of it, but not much, and for sure stole my comments about how Eisenberg wasn’t even playing Lex Luthor when we starting talking about the film to our RA Josh and fellow hallmate Dylan in the hall that same night. Josh peddled the theory that Marvel people had paid off critics to hate on DC’s live-action features, which I challenged by asking why Marvel would even need to do that. It’s not even that DC’s films are so drastically worse than any of Marvel’s features, but Marvel at least has a brand formula at work. Their knock is never that their bad, just predictable and uninspired, though they’ve been getting a little better at going against both those counts lately, with the Guardians films at least. And I will say this for Batman v Superman: It’s awfulness has staked a far larger claim on my mental landscape than The Avengers or Deadpool or most Marvel fare ever has. I liked Man of Steel fine, was particularly impressed by the early minimalism in portraying Superman’s powers, especially his x-ray vision, and was even playing devil’s advocate with family members I saw it with. I’m semi-interested to return to it, but not passionately so. You for sure couldn’t call this film formulaic, perhaps unworthy of all the bombast it’s applying to itself but worthy of notice the way a burning car is, or how Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern are seemingly in awe of that giant pile of shit in Jurassic Park. As dubious as literally every aspect of this film is, the sheer magnitude of its awfulness is compelling in such a way that I became anticipatory of the film’s eventual Rifftrax takedown as I was watching it. I don’t know how soon into it this idea started, but once Amy Adams dived in to get that spear I could already hear the befuddled joke about Lois Lane: Plot Psychic that Kevin Murphy would probably hurl at the screen, and it made this mess a little bit better.

All things being honest, I am absolutely going to see Justice League with my boyfriend, though I wonder how much more excited he is than I am. I loathed Suicide Squad but thought it was so poorly edited I stopped caring and would up having something of an okay time, appreciating Margot Robbie trying to find a character in Harley Quinn and relishing that Viola Davis actively seemed to want to be there a little as I did. Of course I’ve seen Wonder Woman, a step above most recent DC efforts in that it’s compelling, competently told and emotionally resonant, though it really shows Gadot isn’t much of an actress. There’s a lot about it I questioned in the moment but I am so, so appreciative of Wonder Woman as a film that exists, and one I mostly enjoyed seeing even as I actively wished for a better version of the film while I was watching it. Maybe I should just not see these given how much I end up railing against these projects, but I love watching movies with my guy (who I also love) and they are great conversation fodder. Plus, we watch lots of better movies together! Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was the first of many, many delightful date night movies, and we weren’t even dating yet! My guy was easily the best part of the film, though it’d be a discredit to it say that it wasn’t a memorable experience, future boyfriend or no. I truly hope I never see it again, at least not sober, but I got a great story out of it, and a great man too, which is more than a lot of movies have ever given me. And at the end of the day, it’s that the biggest reward a person could get? It’s not like this makes Batman v Superman anything more than a gray, ugly, violent, gross, despicable, unpleasant, misogynistic, time-wasting, utterly horrendous, steaming pile of shit. But hey, it counts for something.