#while luke was being laughed at for being a monster fucker

[m4gp13]

Kelli, showing a picture of Luke: So this is him. Thoughts?

The other Empousi in the army: . . . and prayers bitch wtf???

[chiwhorei]

𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐥𝐲 𝐯𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐮𝐞𝐬

paring: kenny ackerman x fem!reader

genre: apocalypse!au, smut, dark content, 18+ mdni [cross-posted to Ao3]

word count: 3k

overview: kenny *i-wouldn’t-fuck-you-if-it-was-the-end-of-the-world* ackerman; but it is and you do . . . and you’ll probably do it again. or, if you read beyond the cut and wind up in hell that is legally not my fault.

tags: dymph does sacrilege once again, post-apocalypse au, blood, violence, zombies (only mentions of gore nothing specific), somnophilia, noncon, dubcon, degradation, smoking, insertion, sloppy oral, big age gap aka kenny is a nasty old man and reader is a sweet little virgin.

a.notes: happy *fucking* easter. this is for the smut pile’s apocalypse collab so go give everyone’s pieces a read, everyone has worked so incredibly hard. this is dedicated to @pleasantanathema​, who was both my beta reader and emotional support while stringing this together. here’s to the old man fuckery, cheers.

hymn: the seven deadly virtues - camelot

But stay awake at all times, praying that you may have strength to escape all these things that are going to take place, and to stand before the Son of Man. -Luke 21:36

                                      * * *

Wet.

A sticky kind of wet. Clinging on like thick clay, splattered across your neck— gore and sinew wrapped in a noose. Shades of decaying reds and browns are all you see these days. 

The seeping, molding kind of wet.

The smell is suffocating, the toll of death deep in your bones. You keep moving, you have to. One foot in front of the other, fingers fretting with the cross hanging between your collarbones. Counting your Hail Mary’s distracts from the ache in your soles and the burning feeling that you’re rotting away.

It was slow at first. The end of the world, the crashing, clattering end felt like a slow decent to hell. Pieces of the modern world falling away, the promise of tomorrow, the assurance of a cure. You refused to believe the dead could walk the earth until they were stumbling straight towards you. 

All of us, you think, are rotting away.

“Pick up the pace, kid. Are you trying to end up like the rest of those fuckers?” His voice rings from a few feet in front of you. The brush under your feet is dry, leaves crunching loudly with every weary step forward. 

Kenny always likes to remind you of your naïveté, insults about your rose tinted glasses barked crudely from around a cigarette. Your youth, your optimism, your beliefs-- useless traits in his opinion. What good is God in a world like this.

“Friends. They were our friends.” Your words come out in a whimper, the tone further irritating the man ahead of you.

He stops, turning around to catch your eyes, gaze piercing through the night like a knife. All that’s left of your composure is used to keep from crashing right into his chest.

“Ain’t no more room for friends in this world, baby doll,” a long pointer finger lifts your chin, the slightest touch still bruising, “thinkin’ like that is what’s going to get ya killed.”

Rose tinted glasses, cracked and splattered with blood, fall off and are lost to a world that no longer exists. Kenny let’s up and turns, pulling you farther into the thick brush. You could swear you feel the lenses as they splinter under your shoe.

                                      * * *

Kenny is a vile man. He knows his name isn’t on a reservation list at the Pearly Gates, he’s aware that a sinner lives on borrowed time. 

Nowadays, everyone is living on borrowed time. Even you.

You, he thinks, looking back to where you stumble over a tree branch, far to good for a world like this.

He can’t help but laugh, the absolute absurdity of his current situation. Escaping death by the skin of his teeth, watching any familiar faces burning in the remnants of a camp he couldn’t really call home. People that fought to the bone, melting or devoured or both.

And then there was you, standing in front of the flames, tears falling down the apples of your cheeks, stiff in shock and horror. He remembers the way your lips moved, mumbling a quiet prayer instead of trying to run. Stupid little thing.

It’s not the earth the meek inherit; it’s the dirt.

Was it pity that made Kenny pull you away from an infernal gravesite all those months ago? He’s never the hero of any story. No, it must have been something else.

Maybe it was the way you looked up with teary eyes, silently begging for help. Unwittingly making a deal with the devil. His teeth grind at the memory, the vision of how beautiful you look so completely helpless. 

Kenny leads and you follow, he hunts and you flitch at the sound of an arrow piercing flesh. The small squeak and proceeding thumb of meat as it hits the ground never fails to make you sick. When he’s not hunting for food, he’s hunting something else.

The sounds of death are all the same.

Some days you’re lucky, coming across abandoned hideouts or deserted cars. Snagging whatever hasn’t already been picked over; some ammo, the occasional can of peaches or pack of cigarettes. Kenny laughs dryly everytime, chucking the carton into his bag. Always the cigarettes, never the lighter. Most days, not so much.

Every night, you fall asleep to the flicker of a campfire, lulled by the steady sound of Kenny’s knife as it scrapes against a piece of wood. He’s always the last asleep. The woods are a dangerous place, the possibility of monsters circle at every moment. Under the veil of night, anything could happen. And it does.

He wipes his mouth, settling back into the harsh ground below him with a pleased hum. Your whimpers have settled back into a light snore. 

Kenny is a vile man, and you’re too concerned with the lifeless villain in the shadows that you forget about the one sitting on the other side of the fire.

Three months of waking up to aching limbs and misplaced panties can’t be a coincidence, can it?

                                      * * *

“Well ain’t this something.” Kenny pulls on the door, swinging it open with a loud creek. Your neck strains to look up at dark wood and steepled roof, the tall building hidden by dense forest, you two must be the first people to step inside in months. 

“A church.” You’d find comfort within these walls if you weren’t so positive that God had abandoned this world.

Statues of the Virgin Mary and Saint Joseph are empty behind their stone eyes, shadowed with an unsettling shade of red from the stained-glass windows. The moment is a time capsule, a vision of the congregation of saints bathed in blood.

A chill runs down your back, counting every vertebrae.

You push down the unsettling foreboding, focusing back on the instincts to survive instead of lingering on a religion that you can no longer make sense of.

“Hey kid, over here.” You pick up the pace, quickening footsteps away from holy symbolism and towards Kenny’s voice. You walk into the closest room off a dark hallway and find him leaning against the doorframe. The rooms are getting darker with the vanishing sun, but you make out shelves of cans and boxes, food, blankets, clothes.

“I bet they used this as a food pantry,” Your comment was probably an obvious assumption, but Kenny just hums in response, “there’s enough here to last up months.” 

Good samaritans in the first life are a saving grace is this one. Your cynicism lifts from heavy shoulders for just a moment. The lines between luck and divine intervention are fuzzy at best.

“I saw a well right outside too. Water’s probably cold as ice but it’s better than anything we’ve come across yet.” Kenny’s voice is even, but you swear he cracks a smile.

He was right, the water is cold enough to shatter your bones like ice. You shiver and chatter, teeth threatening to crack, but the feeling of being clean has you dumping bucket after bucket over your head. The grime and grit of your reality running down to seep into the grass below.

There’s no home to run to after the world ends, but water and food is more than you could imagine in recent months. Shuffling through boxes of donated clothes, you find a shirt big enough to sleep in. The fabric smells like moth-balls and dust, but the feeling of clean cotton against your skin is heavenly. 

You find Kenny in the clerical office, rummaging through the priests desk. The sun is replaced with a flight of candles, for the first time in forever, you don’t feel like death is standing right behind you.

“Would you look at that,” Kenny pulls a cigar from the desk, bringing it up to his nose for inspection, “Looks like father had his own little habit.”

Despite yourself, you laugh at his comment, rounding towards the large leather chair he’s settled into.

“Smoking kills you know.” You lean against the desk next to him. Your bare legs brush against his knee, the heat from your skin makes his mouth water.

“I think there’s more pressing concerns than tobacco, kid.”

There’s something different about tonight, even more than just the four walls and roof around you. There’s something about Kenny and the way his stare has followed you all night. You can feel a cord pulling taught, fraying in the middle before it snaps.

“Asshole.”

The plush of Kenny’s bottom lip is close enough to your cunt to be disastrous.  Friendly banter becomes laughing and swatting at his chest like a teenager. Communion wine and tension pulling you into him. The loneliness of this life becomes more apparent the closer he is to touching your skin. When did the man in front of you make your heart race so fast? 

Maybe you’ve always felt this way.

You feel it, the ghosts of last night, the night before. The ghosts of weeks or maybe even months. The familiarity of a touch you weren’t quite awake for. 

Ass arching off from where it sticks to the cherry wood, you want to feel it again. The laving of tongue and mouth against you. The devouring of your most intimate planes of skin, places no one else has ever touched before, places you were saving for your future husband.

The kiss as hot as hell.

“Awe, c’mon now,” His nose nudges against your clit, the movement pulling another cry from your throat to bounce against the high ceiling, “that’s not my name.”

“I’ve been tracing it into this precious cunt of yours every night,” each word is more unhinged than the last, no longer worried about the doe in his sights running away, “Do I need to spell it out for you again?”

There’s nowhere to run, pressed in between his canines.

Dreams of calloused fingers and a wandering mouth are now cementing as memories. The feeling of rough facial hair. The sounds of desperate moans and how they shake against you. 

The way his tongue curls like a signature. 

His mouth is flush against you again, sucking at your aching clit for only a moment before moving his attention to long lashes against your clenching hole.

“You must remember. You were moaning it so sweetly,” he nips at your puffy lips before drawing back. His chin is sheened in your arousal, slick refracting off the dimly lit space between you, flickering candles outline his features with a dance of orange shadows. Kenny’s eyes hold you captive, giving you one more chance to answer.

“What’s my name, kid?”

His tongue breaches you, a set of large, familiar hands keep your legs spread wide atop the desk. 

You remember— of course you do. You remember everything. The name stuck in your head like a broken record. The name you call for in a sleepy haze as your body is dragged into orgasm.

The name that’s spelled against you like a promise.

“K-Kenny please.”

That’s all that he needs, the only thing, if he’s being honest, that he’s ever needed.

“There’s my sweet little girl. Finally using your manners.” Two fingers come up to swipe against your pussy, stopping right before your clit and collecting slick to bring up to your eye line for inspection. You jump when the warm digits drag against your bottom lip, a silent prompt for your mouth to fall open.

Kenny sticks his fingers in, the intent to make you gag is clear but you take it. You’ll take anything he gives you. Your tongue swirls around the intrusion, running against each joint and suckling loudly. The sound is wet and lewd, the spit collecting at the corners of your mouth makes his head spin.

Your destruction, he decides, will be beautiful. 

Kenny’s fingers release with a wet pop. He runs callouses down from your cheek, over the curve of your tits and down your abdomen. Two fingers stop at your pubic bone to trace lightly against the skin in random patterns. 

“Your body is just as agreeable when you’re awake.” His words drip in sin, reminding you exactly how familiar he is with you. All of you.

Both thumbs come down to spread your lips, Kenny can’t help but take a moment-- just a beat-- to stare at your swollen, glossy clit and the quiver of your little hole. Your skin is soft, completely untouched by anyone else. He laid claim to almost every inch before you begged him to.

He sinks from the leather chair, kneeling in front of you. You’re the body and blood as far as a sinner like Kenny is concerned.

There’s a plea stuck in your throat. You want to beg him to slow down, it’s too much all at once, but you know if you cried out-- all you would do is beg him for more.

His tongue is long and flat against you, every swipe is punctuated with a growl. The rumbling from his chest is thrown against your clit like a current through cold water. Sharp, shocking, terrifying.

“Kenny, I- I want,” He sucks your throbbing clit into his mouth, rubbing the tip of his tongue against the hood. There’s no words in any language that make sense to you. There’s nothing but his name. 

“Kenny ah, I need, I don’t know how t—”

Your dangling over a fire, trying desperately to jerk away from the lick of the flames. 

“I know, kid, I know exactly what you need.” his breath is heavy and warm in fans across your skin. You're dripping down the sides of his face and onto the cleric’s desk. Kenny is covered in you, open mouthed kisses against the sweetest thing he’s ever had in his mouth. The tangy taste of your pussy mixing with the wine still on his tongue. 

If he spent forever between your thighs, it wouldn’t be nearly long enough.

“Such a sweet little thing, you’re insatiable.” All you can do is nod dumbly, eyes glazing over with a distinct look of teary submission. It’s so new to you, but grinding upwards and catching your clit against his chin seems like second nature.

The primal need for release is much stronger than any prayer of abstinence. 

“What would your little prayer circle think if they knew you spread your legs for a dirty old fucker like me?” Kenny coos against the apex of your thighs. His words knock on the hollow space behind your breastbone.

Your family and friends, the priest from St. Mary’s who baptized you, old man Jaeger from next door— all buried or burned to ash or so much worse.

Anyone you’ve ever loved is dead, maybe that’s why Kenny is still around.

There’s nothing that can hold you back anymore, the control you claw at slips from your fingers like watery silk. There’s no escaping the roughness of his stubble and an evil, serpent tongue.

“Kenny!”

You cum with a shattering cry, the sound ringing so loud in your ears you swear any enemy of the living in a 10 mile radius could hear you. In reality, what escapes is little more than a broken snivel. 

It hurts, muscles aching from the exertion of trying to keep from falling apart. Your body is a hairpin trigger, the comedown feels more like withdrawal.

“There’s my girl, my good little girl.” His voice is uncharacteristically soft, doting while you fall back to earth. It’s a strange feeling, you’ve never found comfort in Kenny before, he isn’t the shoulder you go to lean on. 

But tonight he’s the chin you buck into.

The aftershocks run across your naked skin, already missing the feeling of his touch as he settles back into the cracked leather chair. 

His cock presses into the denim confines uncomfortably, the ache can wait though. Whether this is his last night alive or has all the time in the world-- he’s going to savor the glistening prize nestled between your thighs. Kenny’s fingers find the cigar where it lies next to your knee, bringing it up to examine while you squirm at the cold night air against your wet cunt.

“No one will ever make you feel as good as I do,” both legs kick out, falling to dangle on either side of his knees in surprise as the cigar comes down to trace your outer lips. He presses the tuck inwards, pulling out slightly so you cry out. The harsh texture of the wrapper mixes with the most minimal of stimulation, causing tears to clump in your waterline. 

“Why don’t you think of a way to repay me, hmm?”

You push past the heaviness in your muscles, sitting up to meet his incredulous stare. Kenny sticks the cigar between his teeth, striking a match from the desk drawer to light the cap. The cigar is stale, cheap tobacco. But every drag now tastes like you.

“I- I could try to--” Words are left unspoken on your tongue, even now, the intonation is poison in your throat. 

You expect Kenny to laugh at your bashfulness, instead, two fingers come up to curl around the Rosary around your neck. He drags you forward, exhaling smoke into your parted, quivering lips. You try your best not to choke. 

He pulls the cigar away, ashing it carelessly on the floor.

“Use your words, kid, tell me what you want.” His words are sleazy but his voice is soft around the edges. Prompting you to shuffle onto his lap. His free hand rests in the small of your back to keep you steady.

“I want--” Fuck, your voice feels like it’ll fail, you take a moment to breathe, “I want you to fuck me, Kenny.” 

Your plea is rushed, so quick to hit his ears he almost misses it. There’s no hiding anymore, there’s nowhere else in this world but the private quarters of a long-dead clergy member. The space between you and Kenny is foggy and tense, only inches between lips.

There’s no more penance in this world, no more time to sit and atone for his sins with prayer. The soft, syrupy feeling of your cunt wrapping around his cock is a slice of heaven, cut out and stolen right from the sky. 

“I thought you’d never ask, doll face.” 

✞ all writing is dymphnasprose’s original content, please do not repost or modify. do no read my content as asmr.©️

[barbarianprncess]

did you mean it?

read on ao3.

It’s a total of 3 significant events that led to this, her forehead knocked against his, breaths heavy and mingled, eyes wide and hearts bleeding.

It’s a total of 3 significant events that led to this, her forehead knocked against his, breaths heavy and mingled, eyes wide and hearts bleeding.

The first event isn’t really an event at all. It’s a prologue, necessary context to truly understand the monumentalism of this moment. It’s the memory of her eyes, piercing and reproachful, being the first thing that he saw after losing his mother. It’s shared trauma and oreos while they’re young and naive. It’s truces and training and growing up too soon together. It’s stargazing and stupid jokes saving eachother in every possible way. It's the culmination of the years Percy spent growing, learning, and being with Annabeth, and the unknown and therefore repressed feelings that came with it. Feelings are like the sea in that way, they don’t take well to being restrained. Percy has found that you cannot box in oceans or sentiments, they always find a way to spill over and out, with no regard for the destruction left in its wake.

The second event is Dionysus deciding on a whim that the inhabitants of his camp are ‘uncultured pests’ and taking it upon himself to set up a field trip for campers to the Ancient Greek Cultural Center in New York. (Percy thinks it’s really just to distract kids that were still shaken up about the battle at camp and the losses it caused. But, Dionysus would never say so. He’s far too proud to admit to caring for the children he’s been assigned to look after.) Argus loaded all the kids he could fit into the strawberry vans, as Chiron listed all the reasons this was a terrible idea. As it turns out, his worries were in vain as miraculously, no monsters attacked, and no mortal asked too many questions. No, instead, the only hitch in his plan was the glaring inaccuracies of the Center sending Dionysus into a fit of rage. He ranted for so long, their 2 hour long field trip ended up lasting until the place closed.

Event the third is the ridiculously long line leading to the mens room at the rundown gas station they’ve stopped at, causing Percy to traipse into the woods, deep enough to know that no one other than the squirrels were watching, and pee there. Unbeknownst to him, Annabeth had decided to take a quick walk in the forest as well, (in the opposite direction of his peeing endeavor) with the purpose of clearing her head. Both returned to the parking lot after 10 minutes, with no truck in sight. The gas station lights are turned off on the inside and the door sign has switched decidedly to closed. They look at each other in disbelief.

“Percy?”

“Yeah?”

“Uh...did they…”    

“They didn’t. They wouldn’t.”

“I think they would.”

“They would never-”

“I have pretty solid evidence to the contrary.” Annabeth deadpans, casually letting her hair loose and hopping on top of the miniature gas machine for motorcycles.

“But, how did-”

“No Argus.” Which means, no all-seeing eyes to double check the headcount. Percy begins to pace.

“Okay, but-”

“Two trucks.” Both of which are probably assuming Percy and Annabeth are on the other.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, gods.”

“Leave them out of this.”

“Those fuckers.”

“Which ones?” She asks. He looks up and she’s fighting a smile. He pointedly doesn’t notice the way her mouth curls up, or the way her hair falls around her shoulders and down her back, or how pretty she looks lit up by the neon red lights of the gas stations prices, which apparently doesn’t turn off when they close.

“Do you know something I don’t?”

“I know lots of things you don’t.”

“Ha-ha. I mean about how to get out of here.”

“Ohhhhh, let me think.” She wrinkles her nose in faux concentration, tilting her chin up towards  the sky. Percy is too annoyed to think it’s adorable. “Nope, not a clue.”

“Your phone?”

“Left it on the truck.”

“Iris message?”

“Percy, it’s dark as shit.” The laughter she’s been holding in comes pouring out. Nevermind that he feels his chest sigh in relief at hearing it for the first time since their quest, this is serious.

“You’re laughing.”

“Just a little.”

“You’re telling me, you don’t have a brilliant plan to get us on a truck.”

“Yes.”

“So, we’re stuck here.”

“Yes.”

“And you’re laughing?”

“You’re just really funny when you’re stressed.” She giggles. He can’t remember the last time she giggled. He missed it. He hates her.

“Oh my gods.”

“Okay, okay, look, I’m sorry. We’re halfway to camp right?” He nods. “I’m sure they’ll figure out we’re missing before they get all the way back to camp, but let's say, worst case scenario, they don’t-”

“Not helping-”

“And they make it the rest of the way back to camp. It took us four hours to get to the center, which means camp is two hours away, so if they make it the two hours back to camp before they realize we’re missing, and they drive back up-”

“C’mon ‘Beth, you know I suck at math.”

“We’re stuck here for five hours at most.”

“Five hours?”

“And that's if no passing cars let us use their phones to hurry the process up.”

“Five hours.”

She’s laughing again. “Seriously, what is so funny?”

“It’s just-” Her cheeks are red and she’s very poorly attempting to suppress her smile. “You’ve been calm in so many life or death situations, and being stuck at a gas station is what finally breaks through.”

“It’s nighttime.” She stares at him for a moment and then she’s laughing again, full bodied real laughter, and he's laughing too.

And it’s as if this gas station became their own personal Ogygia, an oasis, a resting place for them to be stupid kids again. And they don’t talk about the battle, or Rachel, or the volcano, or any of the million things set on tearing them apart. They talked about his mom getting serious about his new boyfriend, about Tyson’s underwater adventures and Grover’s searching shenanigans.

They smack talk with no real heat about who the better fighter is (Oh please, Seaweed Brain, I've been training since before you could tie your own shoes.), and argue about which ancient hero had the greatest journey (Hercules, are you kidding? Did you even read the myth?). They break into the gas station for snacks (What the fuck, Annabeth, where’d you learn to pick a lock? No, I wouldn’t prefer you break the glass, you psycho. Oh my gods, can you really break the glass?), and dissolve into giggles as they try to fit five drachma into the cash register.

They end up back outside sitting on the gas machines facing one another from three feet away.

“Your mom called me the other day.”

Percy, who’d been lazily squinting up at the murky sky, searching for any sign of stars, whipped his head to look at her. “What?”

“She called me on the phone. We talked for a bit. She said she wanted to make sure I was alright.”

“That sounds like something she would do.” He sighs and hops down from the machine, turning away from her, hoping to hide his blush from the dim light. “She cornered me on one of my off weekends, asked what was going on with us.”

“Oh.” He hears the shifting of fabric and assumes she followed him in sliding off the gas machine.

“Yeah.” It’s silent for a long time before she responds.

“What did you say?” She asks, her voice smaller than it was moments ago. He hears her scratching at the flat metal top of the machine. “When she asked, what did you say?”

He runs his finger through his hair, and one gets caught in a particularly large snarl. “Doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me.” She whispers and gods he’s terrified but he really doesn’t have a choice when her voice wavers like that. Her words shake and every ounce of his being tells him to do whatever it takes to soothe it.

“I said we were fighting. That there wasn’t one sole reason for it, just a bunch of little reasons. I told her that I scared you when I….went away for two weeks last summer. And that you didn’t like bringing Rachel on your quest. I told her that we….. disagree about how to best handle Luke. That I probably wanted to protect you more than I wanted to listen to you.” She laughs softly and he blames what he says next on her laugh. It is the catalyst for everything that follows.

“I told her that we’d be okay. Because no matter what happens I’m always gonna love you.”

He hears her breath catch. He doesn’t have to look back to know she’s turned to face him fully. “Did you mean it?” She calls. He doesn’t answer. The words haven’t caught in his throat, they’ve spontaneously combusted in his vocal chords and he doesn’t think he’ll ever speak again.

The sound of gravel crunching gets closer until suddenly she's beside him, and he didn’t tell his torso to twist toward her, he thinks she might just be his center of gravity.

“Did you mean it?”

She’s looking up at him, and her hair smells like lemons, and her cheeks are pink, and her eyelashes go on for miles, and her sunspots are better than stars. And it’s as if she pulls the words right out of him, he’s hypnotized by everything about her.

“Of course I meant it.”

She exhales and closes her eyes and while he mourns the loss of the sight, his body moves on it’s own accord again and he’s edging closer and closer and she opens her eyes and here they are.

Their noses brush, and this time he closes his eyes, and their noses brush just so, and…

Whoa.

He was wrong, it wasn't just those three significant events that to her forehead knocked against his, breaths heavy and mingled, eyes wide and hearts positively bleeding. It’s clear he’s been waiting his entire life for this moment at this shitty gas station.

Waiting for this. Waiting for her.  

They kiss for a moment or an eternity, and they fit. His hands are on her hips and hers clutch at his shirt before sliding up to his throat, and it’s like his soul is whispering, oh there you are.

And then she’s pulling back, so she has just enough space to shake her head without disconnecting from his forehead.

She's breathless when she whispers, “This is a bad idea.”

His hands trail up and down her forearm of their own accord, and when he whispers back he’s breathless too. “Yeah, really bad idea.”

Her hands slide up from his chest to his shoulders, and then she’s kissing him again, with purpose, and he’s kissing back like his life depends on it because he thinks it might, thinks if he lets go of her he’d die on the spot.

It seems his theory might get tested when she pulls back again just far enough to whisper against his lips, “Is it always like that?”

He kisses her again, once, twice, because he can’t help it and whispers back, “I don’t know, you were my first kiss.”

He’d released any serious hold he had on her the moment she hesitated, but then she’s rocking back up to meet him halfway and his entire body thinks thank the gods. He actually sighs his relief into her mouth, as his hands desperately reach for her face, some fingers tangling in her hair, and their lips are magnets, opposites that don’t have a choice but to pull together. Despite how much he wants to keep doing this forever, he has to tell her.

“I don’t wanna lose you, again.” He means not ever, but he figures she understands the severity in his voice. She’s running her hand through his hair, and his slide up and down her back, and she knocks her nose against his as she answers, “I know, me either. I’m confused, this is confusing me.” And she tilts her chin just so, like she did a million years ago, and this time he kisses her.

They kiss for an infinity, he gets to taste her laughter when she giggles at the absurdness of it all, and it’s better than ambrosia. He kisses her until he doesn’t know anything else, until his entire universe is Annabeth Chase, with her cheeks and her curls and her lips. She is everything.

And then headlights penetrate their universe, voices bring an end to their infinity, and Chiron is speaking but it’s nothing, it’s all white noise because she’s no longer in his arms, and his center of gravity is being ripped away and he hears someone ask, “What’d you guys do?”

He’s still looking at her face when she answers, “You know, tried not to strangle each other mostly.”

But, she looks back before she turns all the way around and her gaze is charged and her lips quirk with the secret they share.

He is so screwed.

[moonlit-mizukage]

Chapter three:  Satori, you are such a fucking idiot

Summary: Y/n and Tendou are deeply in love. Living on the other side of Tokyo now, the Monsters are still up to their old shit. They even opened a few businesses for Tax reasons. Even though it’s been almost three years later, Y/n still has never been able to understand how they have avoided the law several times. When Tendou’s Mother reappears in his life, Y/n is confused as Tendou claimed she is dead. Finding out Tendou is being forced to take over the family business by his Mother, she soon learns the truth behind Tendou’s reason he never gets in legal trouble is his family business. His mother is quick to decline Y/n as his future wife and tries to set up Tendou with someone she sees more fit. What will happen to Y/n and Tendou? What will happen to Tendou’s “family business”? What does this mean for the future of the Monsters?

Tw: Swearing, mentions of violence, selling medication, blackmail, hacking, drinking

Word count: 1.1k

Taglist Open! Send an ask or dm to be added! 

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Third person pov 

The guys had gone back home around 1am, as Mei had passed out on the couch in Yamaguchi’s arms. 

The Monsters arrived back at their house quickly. Suna and Kenma had now joined the group. They gathered in the kitchen as they sat around the table.

“So what was the super important thing that the other two can’t know about yet? Kemna asked.

“He said just y/n for now.” Shirabu said from the doorway in the kitchen. 

“Oh shit, must be pretty damn serious then.” Suna whispered to Kenma. 

After Shirabu had sat down things had gone quiet for a moment. Tendou looked around at the three new faces there. 

“My mother found me. There is no easy way for me to say this but,” He took a deep breath.”She runs the South side Yakuza.” 

“Are you fucking serious?” Shirabu spoke up. 

“We have three days to let her know what we think. I have no choice, kyotani joined already as well. You guys do not have too but I would suggest leaving town if you want out. Once you are in, death really is the only way out. “ Tendou said. 

“I thought about it a lot while we were at the hangout tonight, I’m in.” Terushima said. 

“Hell yeah fucker!” Kyotani said as he bro hugged him. 

“You guys don’t have to decide right away. So please think about it and just let me know by Tuesday at noon.” Tendou said. He stood up at this point and left the table. Kyotani followed close behind him. 

“Are you really going to join Teru?” Hanamaki asked.

“What do I have to lose man? You guys at this table, plus Y/n, that’s the only family I got now. I want to stay loyal to them, those two guys as well have been there for me for so long.” Matsukawa looked over to him. 

“I think I will say yes after I deal with something real quick.” He stood up and left the room. 

“What are you guys thinking?” Terushima nodded towards the three newest members. 

“I want to talk to Y/n, but I know Tendou has to do that as a one on one first. I really need to think about it first.” 

“I just need to sleep on it. I guess it’s basically what we do now but on a much bigger scale. I think sleep will help me feel more comfortable instead of just saying yes now and regretting it later.” Suna said. 

“I would have to set some ground rules. For one I don’t do physical activities and I refuse to work in the field. I am not the strongest but I do have a lot of  hacking experience and I am good at what I do.” Kenma admitted.

“I am sure a hacker would be needed. You have mad skills Kenma, but yeah let’s talk to Tendou. His dinner is Monday with y/n. He will probably power text out after to see what everyone feels or for a meeting.” Terushima said. 

“Are you seriously considering it Kenma?” Hanamaki asked, Kenma shrugged at him. 

“Why are you backing out Maki?” Shirabu stepped in asking him. 

“You guys are all new to this lifestyle, you know? Is this something you want to spend the rest of your life doing?” 

“Honestly I was just going to seduce a CEO then steal their company and make my assistant run it for the rest of my life anyways. A dream life of riches right there.” Suna said. Terushima laughed a bit at his response. 

“Dude that’s actually pretty smart. I see why you are a business major now.” Terushima said. 

“Honestly, I was just going to hack something big and probably blackmail my way to the top as well.” Kenma said with another shrug.

“You babies are growing up so fast.” Terushima said, pretending to wipe tears from his eyes. “Just yesterday you were just two teens on campus, today you are ready to swipe billion dollar companies.” Shirabu laughed. 

“The only thing I was going to do was be a doctor, but maybe working with you guys would be better. I still have quite some time to go, but I do have a lot of medications if you need it.” Terushima laughed again. \

“You really are swinging in the big league already, I just don’t think you realised how close you really are.”

Meanwhile upstairs…..

Tendou sat behind the desk as he looked down at his hands. :

“Just rip the bandaid off and say it the fuck now.” Kyotani said. 

“It’s not that easy telling my one true love, hey I get to kill people for a living now!” Kyotani sat in the chair in front of him. 

“She definitely already knows what type of man you are. Look at us back in highschool. We were fighting people, hell you shattered Oikawa’s leg with a bat!” 

“I know, But Kentaro,” Tendou took a deep breath, “I don’t know what she will do, maybe she will leave me... Maybe it would be better that way, at least I would know she’s safe.” 

“You are a fucking idiot. I bet you she’s going to give you that look she makes when she thinks, then 10 minutes later jump into your arms and tell you she fucking loves you and I will call you a fucking idiot but you two will be fucking fine.”

“I am not sure this is the lifestyle she would want to live.” 

“Satori, you are such a fucking idiot.” He smacked the back of Tendou’s head.  

“What the hell mad?!??!” Tendou snapped as he stood up.

“Do you not pay attention to her and her own fucking monster pack at her mother fucking school!” 

“I guess I didn’t think about that. She really did recruit them all, and she leads them when I am not around.” 

“Y/n was also the one that destroyed 7 cars in a parking lot cause a guy cat called her and she couldn’t remember which one it was.” 

“Matsukawa needs to stop giving people bats for their birthday.” Tendou said now with a laugh. 

“Let’s fucking go drinking. We could use peace at mind for a couple more hours fucker. It will make things easier when you tell her.” 

The two walked down stairs as Matsukawa was now reentering the house. 

“The fuck you do?” Tendou asked him. Matsukawa stood in front of them, covered in fresh blood. His bat still in his right hand, also covered in blood.

“I was playing baseball.” Matsukawa said with a laugh.

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An: Really seeing a soft side of Tendou for y/n 🥺

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[coe-lilium]

TroS reaction (1st view)

Necessary premise in bullet points:

- I liked TFA when it came out and still do but as I dug into the franchise/canon (Disney only by choice) my enjoyment of it became more lukewarm. Came out of it dreading a potential Reylo but liking the two charas on their own. 

- went into TLJ worried I’d hate it, came out with it being my favorite saga movie and sold on the Rey-Ren connection, whatever road it would’ve taken. Loved the “Rey’s powerful on her own/bc the Force wants to set Kylo’s wrongs right”. It felt good after two years of being bombarded with “this fucking Mary Sue can have any power only if she’s connected to powerful men of the saga, she has otherwise no right in being powerful” in forums spaces.    

- went into TroS non-spoiled, wary of Palpatine return but relatively hopeful if soured about the “JJ our lord and saviour pleease save us from evil evil Jonhson” (HA!). The rumors about lore from the tv series being featured into the movie had me excited.  

That said, here goes: [SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE, ENDING INCLUDED, RIGHT OFF THE BAT]

I didn’t like it. I really hope to warm up to it more in future views, there’s absolutely stuff I liked or even loved, but as it stands now it was overall a massive disappointment on many sides and -worst of all- threatens to retroactively ruin my enjoyment in other previous stories. 

First, the positives: 

- Parentage notwithstanding, Rey was good. Her rage, her fears, her good heart, her commitment to the fight and the training, her longing for guidance… truly, if the bloodline revelation hadn’t retroactively ruined my investment in the character and themes I’d have fully, 100% loved her even if every single other part of the movie had been the same. 

Except for a brief war flashback to Starkiller game abilities (I lolled) I wasn’t even troubled by all the new abilities or their scope. Movies’ been inventing new powers since the beginning and the Force does what the Force wants. Again, fuck the genetics “twist”, garbage stuff. 

- Kylo, next to… 95% that involved him? TLJ did a great job selling him to me and surprisingly this movie added to that instead of retconning it away. More competent but still stupid and petty from time to time. I’m glad he came back, glad he choose right and glad he was allowed more time on the right side than Anakin. I love redemptions and he was portrayed as wavering the entire trilogy, I don’t even really care that it could’ve done better. I’m happy for him and his family, that’s all. The kiss got a laugh out me but not a malicious one, I was kind of running out of reasonable reactions by then. 

I’m just conflicted on how I feel about his death. Back when TFA was released I wanted him to survive to face what Anakin didn’t: justice (the kid-friendly setting prevented a death sentence anyway), atonement and growth from there, I still wish it happened and maintain that a different pacing would’ve allowed it. On the other hand, I’m also kinda okay with him dying. He righted at least a bit of his many wrongs, he saved a person he cared for, that his parents cared for and that could help the galaxy much more than he ever could and he was at peace. It was a good death.      

- Kylo’s vision/illusion of Han. A surprise but a very pleasant, well acted one. Would’ve I maybe liked Anakin more, as Ben idolized him so much and for all the wrong reasons and because I love that disaster? Yes. Does Han work much better in the economy of the movie and trilogy story and do he and Ben have a much rawer relationship and history? Absolutely. I am a teeny tiny bit baffled as  for why Luke didn’t also show up, but the actual scene was good enough I forgive it.  

- Rey and Kylo bond and connection was one of the saving graces of this mess and I utterly loved it. Both actors worked their asses for for all their scenes and it payed off, oh if it payed off. Their DSII duel was perhaps a tad long but great nonetheless (Republic era Jedi jumps!), the hurt and the sense of absolute loss and grief they both conveyed -and shared!- after Leia’s passing was incredible, Rey regretting the near kill and softly going “I would have stayed, had you renounced the dark side”. She cared, yes, but not to the point of ignoring the horrors (something Anakin never quite understood). The “dyad” stuff was a bit overkill, just call it a force bond, we can see it’s freaking powerful, but the Force Skype and sharing of objects that came with the package, that I loved. Surprise lightsaber, Ren fuckers! :D Bet Anakin and Obi Wan were really jealous, that would’ve come in handy during the war.       

- Finn was now fully invested in the cause, at ease, visibly happy to be with his friends, ready to bond and reach out, quick to plan, to act and to adapt to the situation, brave but cautious and calculating. I wish it was given a bit more focus, but I loved he found other young FO defectors. Also fuck yeah, he’s force sensitive and his ability is used, not just thrown in as a useless wink. Jedi Finn in future material, c’mon!

- Poe’s also grown. He was probably going to have more screen time with Leia had Carrie not died but there was nothing to be done for that. I’m not as happy as for previous 3 charas for the backstory retcon I’ll tackle in the negatives.

- Jannah was cool, the addiction of other FO defectors a welcomed one and the scene were she and Finn excitedly went over their “I broke free” moment was adorable. Good bean, I’d read more about her and her company. 

- A bit lot annoyed at Bloodline being kinda tossed outta the window but getting Leia with lightsaber was nice. Give me some ancillary material to deal with the clash and I’ll fully forgive it. 

- Jedi! MY GIRL AHSOKA MY MAN KANAN! I mean, I sure wish they were in a better movie, but hey, recognition for something more than the OT? No slandering of the Order but all of them collectively kicking Sidious ass once and for all? I’ll gladly take it. Anakin, my dude, I’m sorry your sacrifice was next to nullified but it was good to hear you again ;_;  I didn’t hear Ezra’s voice anywhere so I can still hope he’s alive, well and with the Ascendancy teaching all their Navigators. “I am all the Jedi” remains a terrible line. 

And now, oh boi. Here comes the long list of annoying - bad - stinking shit stuff: 

- If I wanted to watch a 2 and half long videogame cutscenes I’d have done that in the comfort of my home without spending money for tickets. Go to level x to retrieve related macguffin, move to next level to get next macguffin and so on and so on. I liked close to everything in the DS II sequences, but what would’ve that dagger pointed at if the wreckage had fallen even a little bit differently?   

In general, many plot points gave me the feeling they were stolen from the tv series and badly executed, like a mockery (or incompetence?). Case in point: Hux betraying the 1st Order out of personal, spiteful hate? Potentially good! The execution? A poor man’s Rebels Agent Kallus, already over in little more than 5minutes. 

- Palpatine himself is a poorly, ridiculously poorly executed Maul resurrection storyline from tcw and rebels. 

Because Maul was 1. explained and 2. got a good, long arc that made you forgive the undoubtably contrived ass-pull it took to bring him back while Sidious is just… there. You gotta accept it because the writer said so. 

How did he survive? We don’t know and fuck you if you expect an explanation (they really had the absolute galls to have him say the iconic/meme line from Rots and apparently it was supposed to be enough?!) How could he “have all Sith reside inside me” when canon’s clear that Sith do-not-get-to-retain-their-individuality-in-the-Force, do not work well together (lmao) and he as an individual never gave a shit about the Sith except when they could serve his own personal desires? His entire approach to the rule of two and other Sith stuff is “fuck that noise, everything in the galaxy exist to serve me”. He’s fine dying as long as “the Sith rule”? Who IS this character, because he’s not Darth Sidious (as presented in Disney’s own canon, mind). Oh, you wanted explanations? FUCK YOU, screams the movie. 

The mess gets somehow salvaged in the end as he comes to his senses and siphon the life out of Rey and Ben to de-rotten/revive himself to rule in person, now *that* was in character. Was he actually lying his ass off the entire time waiting for the moment he could siphon them? Hopefully but who the hell even knows.

In the end it just wasn’t worth bring him back. A holocron, a different Sith, even a hive-mind of old records/tainted wraiths of Sith (perhaps wearing Palps face to buy the old empire aficionados loyalty, idk) would’ve been better than “actually, Anakin suffered nearly his entire life and sacrificed himself for barely more than 25 years of peace and it still wasn’t enough to rid the galaxy of the monster who destroyed his and countless other lives”. But Johnson was the one shitting on beloved characters legacy and accomplishments, uh? Surely at least he’s got company. 

Ian was clearly having a blast, so there was… that? And the initial sequence being legit creepy and the Sith storm or whatever the fuck was that. That can stay, it was cool.     

- Poe, the latino character, got retconned from former Republic pilot (a backstory established before TFA came out and faithfully respected ever since) into a smuggler and gang member. Classy. What does Lucaslfilm have a story group for if not for stopping stuff like this from happening? Bonus Zorii being used for a “no homo! homo? no homo?” wink wink and for generally being a poor man Solo’s Qi’ra.   

- The movie makes you worry for a character death three (3) times in a row only to immediately backpedal on it. The survivors are grieving, the scene is sober… and then suddenly! they’re alive! isn’t it wonderful? let’s insert a comical scene now that we’re at it! Sigh.   

- The whole Threepio stuff was a contrived waste of time in a movie already full of more relevant plot treads that could’ve put that screen time to better use. 

- Rey’s parents apparently aren’t assholes anymore bc they sold her into slavery to protect her from Sidious, which is… supposed to make it alright, a sacrifice in the name of love? If they had been shown trying to give her to a trusted person and then she was kidnapped that wouldn’t had been their fault, just unfortunate, but the movie shows them leaving their 5yo daughter with her in-all-but-name slaver so?? 

- Rey Palpatine… Rey. Palpatine. Gesù Cristo benedetto che minchia mi è toccato di vedere. That hurt. That was so hilariously over the top bad I just…I started laughing. On top of the entire thing, thank you so, soo much for validating all those fucking assholes who demanded Rey be connected to a powerful man in the saga to accept her powers and value, you hack. Jedi were never about power of blood and then you went and reinforced the very opposite. She ain’t powerful bc the Force recognized her as worthy to stop evil and chose to aid her anymore, she’s powerful bc grandfather was. Lovely stuff. Hilariously, now she has a lot more legit “Mary Sue” traits than before. 

- Rose’s sidelining was a blatant bow to her and her actress haters whims. If in VIII she jumped at the chance of action, now she was fearful and “had to stay behind” studying maps. Fuck that noise. 

- Even if she rejected it, underline is that the Skywalker line is wiped out and the Palpatine one thrives. I… just… wtf wtf wtf. A final “Just Rey” would’ve been more powerful -because now it would’ve been reclaimed- and less corny and in poor taste than a Palpatine taking on the Skywalker name. I’m not sure if Sidious is more offended or if he’s laughing his ass off in space!hell. Probably the 2nd. Bad.      

- The final scene on Tatooine. It rang so empty because the planet brings warm memories only to the audience, not the characters. In-universe, that place brought nothing but misery to the Skywalkers: Anakin and Shmi were brought there as slaves and lived as such for years, Shmi was tortured to death and Anakin began his descent into the dark for crying out loud. Luke had to hide and saw his relatives murdered. Leia had no connection whatsoever to the place. The mera idea of burying Anakin Skywalker lightsaber into the sands of Tatooine and considering it a way of paying respect is… I don’t know, hilariously in bad taste? Rey, dear, what did you have personally against the guy? Put those sabers to rest on Naboo! Ah, but we can’t truly acknowledge the PT now, can we? Wack.   

- It’s not TroS complete fault, that “honor” mostly sit at TFA’s feet but for all its omages, copies and almost slavish references, from a in-universe point of view it’s like the OT barely occurred. 

The same evil man has been defeated (until next time?), the Republic must be rebuilt from scratch, a evil military is all over the place and must be dealt with, the Jedi Order has to be rebuilt… it’s depressing. A new evil taking advantage of the empire leftovers would’ve been one thing, but Sidious? He’s been effectively winning nonstop ever since he was elected Chancellor. He had all the power, all the influence, all the control and he maintained it all even as a rotten corpse in exile, the entire galaxy marching on his tune, controlled by his strings. And as the cherry on top of the cake he even managed to wipe out the family that could’ve, should have been his undoing! He effectively destroyed the Skywalkers. He outlived every Jedi, every survivor, every clone. I hate this. It’s sickening. I can’t even be happy Rex was on Endor anymore.      

In general, the best word I can find for this movie is: coward. 

So blatantly desperate to please, to be “forgiven”, to reference every single irrelevant thing -except the PT and the TV series in a intelligent way-, to throw fanservice after fanservice after fanservice no matter how nonsensical from all over that crossed the “corny” to wander into embarrassing territory many times over (Maz giving Chewie a medal outta nowhere? Come the fuck on now). 

The cartoon series had twenty time the guts of this movie and I vehemently wish for Filoni to take the helm of the entire creative team in a very near future.                  

[bards-witcher]

This is inspired by a post @omegawolfgirl made, so I hope you enjoy, even if it is pretty bad.

Slight TerrorMoo if you squint hard enough

He’s being replaced. That’s all he can think about as he sees the cyborg enter the base, Delirious hanging off of his shoulder and laughing his usual hysterical way, as if they’d known each other for years.

He’s stopped paying attention to the game he’s playing, instead choosing to send daggers to the new addition. It was then he felt Evan jump over the couch and landing in the space next to him. “Green really isn’t your colour you know”

Terroriser huffed a laugh and turned to face the younger man “I’m Irish ye fock, green will always be my colour”. Evan laughed at that before stealing the controller from his hand, allowing him to go back to glaring at the newcomer.

“He was being abused you know. Found him in some sort computer room, chest frame ripped open half his wires cut and those that weren’t were connected to a mainframe with a high voltage pulse sent straight to his core every few minutes. Thought he was dead when we found him, but he pleaded for us to take him, we couldn’t just leave him”.

Terroriser shuddered at that, he’d heard stories of cyborgs being taken in only to be ripped apart and their parts used for weapons. Normally after major damage they shut down but clearly these guys knew what they were doing, the pulse was to keep him alive so that they could keep harvesting parts. He couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt after hearing this.

Despite this though he couldn’t help but notice that the newcomer looked near brand new, a vast contrast to himself who had long ago lost one of his eyes and instead replaced it with a red laser. Not to mention the other adjustments he’d had to make across his body due to his line of work, when he was in a particularly bad mood, he liked to call himself the Frankenstein monster of Cyborgs.

“How’s he even standin’ then, he almost looks like he came off the shelf floor” he asked dejectedly, feeling the green-eyed monster rear its ugly head again.

Evan sighed “Called in a couple favours on the way back, had Gorilla patch him up, that’s why we’re a bit late”. Evan turned to look at Brian, noticing how his fists and jaw clenched.

“What model is he” was said through gritted teeth, he knew he was being irrational, he could be repaired properly if he wanted, in fact the guys had offered more than once to help pay for it, but he was too stubborn for his own good.

“Don’t know for sure, says he was built for protection though, so he shouldn’t need too much training. Want’s us to call him Ohm as well. Says its something to do with him resisting all the voltage put through him”

Brian couldn’t help but snort at that, the last thing they needed was another Brock. Speaking of he noticed the older man walking towards him, Ohm in tow. Brian tried to put on a smile but he’s sure it came out as more of a grimace at the look Brock gives him.

“Ohm this is Brian, our resident cyborg. He’s grouchy most of the time but you’ll get used to it, he’ll be the one training you up before you come out with us”

Brian glared at Brock, like hell was he going to train the newbie. “I ain’t fockin trainin shit Brock, I got better things to do with my time”, in the corner of his eye he noticed the hurt look flash across Ohm’s face and that feeling of guilt started creeping up on him again.

“I just figured seeing as you’re both Cyborgs you’d be able to both understand each other better and help each other get better”.

Any feeling of guilt suddenly vanished, standing up so that he could go toe to toe with Brock “So ye are replacing me, you’d have him teach me shit when I’ve been in the business my whole life. Ye find a newer model and decide that’s it, Brian’s useless now. Well Fock all of ye”

His outburst had caused a crowd, the rest of the gang milling about and taking in the scene, like vultures waiting for their next meal.

It was Evan who spoke next, barely paying attention to the situation and instead on the video game “Well you do need to work on your defence a bit more, you’re always leaving your side open to attack”. Brian knew it was a joke but seeing the shit eating grin on Evan’s face and the sniggers he hears from some of the other guys tips him over the edge.

“Well fock the lot of ye, I don’t have to put up with this shit”. With that he headed towards his room, locking the door once he was in it and choosing to punch the wall a couple times for good measure.

The next few weeks were tense within the base, Terroriser did his best to ignore Ohm, only giving him a grunt of acknowledgement here and there despite the smaller guys efforts to befriend him. Part of him was starting to feel bad for the new cyborg, it’s not often you cross another cyborg, in fact it had been years since Terroriser had seen another one, so he probably would have benefitted from talking to the newcomer. He was stubborn though and try as he might he refused how beneficial that connection would be.

After his outburst, Ohm started to train with the other guys instead, Tyler for hand to hand combat, Luke was in charge of guns, Smii7y with knives, Kryoz with poisons, Evan for explosives, Delirious for traps and intel collection from Scotty. Given that he was a Cyborg he couldn’t heal himself so instead got a basic understanding of his components from Gorilla, with Marcel giving him a few replacement components should he need them.

It was about 2 months after Ohm had come back with them that he’d been deemed good to go for his first mission. It was supposed to be simple, they’d received intel on a gang that was about to make a move against them in the southern district. It was supposed to be a simple mission, take the other gang out and come home in time for dinner.

Brian was watching Tv in the main room with Anthony, Scotty and Nogla when he heard panicked shouts coming from the garage. Before he could make a move to check it out Tyler entered the room, Ohm motionless over his shoulder and the other guys running in behind him, clearing the dining room table to lay Ohm down on.

Through his laser eye Brian could see the internal damage to Ohms circuits, how his core had been melted and his entire system frazzled.

“What the fock happened to him, you were supposed to be looking after him” Brian was surprised at his own outburst, just like everyone else was. Nobody said anything, just looking around at each other, waiting for someone else to speak first. “TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED RIGHT NOW BEFORE I FUCKING CUT A BITCH”

It was Luke that spoke up “ We don’t know, we’ve never seen it before. We’d cornered them before they chucked what we thought was a grenade, but it didn’t go off like it should’ve. Ohm just collapsed, and our mics stopped working, after we killed the fuckers, we tried replacing some of his components like Marcel showed us, but he wouldn’t wake up. Brian we’re sorr…” Brian held up his hand, silent as he moved towards the cyborg prone in front of him.

He put his hand on Ohms chest, trying to feel for anything.

Come on you little shit, don’t give up on me now. You’re the Ohmwrecker you’re supposed to resist so fockin resist.

It was then that he felt it, a tiny pulse, almost unnoticeable but it showed that Ohm was still alive, somehow. Brian wasted no time in tearing open Ohm’s frame and removing the parts that were beyond repair. “Someone get me his spare components, Brock go to my room and get me the big black box on my workbench” he faintly heard everyone scrambling behind him, but he was too busy trying to complete his task to notice who.

It was a minute later when he was ready to start repairing Ohm, but no one had returned with the parts he’d asked for, the pulse he’d felt earlier had gotten even weaker if that were possible. “Just hang in there Ohm, please. WHAT THE FOCK IS TAKING YOU SO LONG, IF HE FOCKIN DIES ON ME YOU’LL ALL HAVE FOCKIN HELL TO PAY” It was then that Brock came in with the box, sweat on his brow as he struggled to heave the box onto the table.

Brian didn’t waste any time, opening the box he tore out the spare parts he’d collected over the years, he just hoped that they’d be compatible with Ohms model. Using his laser, he welded wires to circuits and tried to place them with as much care as he could in his rush. In his haste his laser caught his hand but all he could do was grit his teeth and carry on with his task.

“Is he going to make it?” Brocks voice was so quiet he almost didn’t hear it. Brian spared Brock a glance and gave a faint smile “I dunno but I’m gonna damn well try. See if you can find where the spares are, I’m gonna need them in a minute”.

He heard Brock leave the room while he placed the last few wires in place, put in a couple of fuses and managed to attach his new CNS wire to the motherboard. Brian opened his own frame taking a clip and attaching one end to Ohms and the other to his own motherboard. He sent a pulse of electricity through it, nothing. He sent another one and another one but there was no movement. He checked all the circuits to make sure they were connected but couldn’t find anything wrong. He determined that one of the circuit boards must not work for Ohm and he swore every name under the sun. Without thinking he reached into his own frame and pulled a couple of his own circuit boards out and connected them to Ohm, he’d be weaker without them yes, but he could still function. Again, he sent a pulse through Ohm and noticed his whole-body jerk, Brian let out the breath he was holding.

Brock and Tyler came rushing in, Brock holding out a small shoulder bag which Brian all but snatched out of his hand and rummaged for components. “Where’s the core? And the vitaliser? There’s no way Marcel could’ve forgotten ‘em”.

Tyler started to look sheepish “We don’t know, me and the guys have searched the base top to bottom and we can’t find them. Luke and Jon went back to the South district to try and find them but last I heard no dice. Scotty called Marcel but it’s gonna take him a couple hours to get the parts. I’m sor..”

“Please stop sayin yer sorry, I’m gettin sick of hearin it” Brian ran a hand down his face. The happiness he’d felt moments prior now replaced with defeat. The pulse he’d felt had gotten stronger but without the core Ohm had half an hour at best. “FOCK” he slammed his fists on the table and tried to ignore the tears that threatened to fall. “This is all my fault, I shouldn’t have been such an ass, I shoulda trained him, I shoulda been there”

He felt a hand on his shoulder, Brock’s soft words soon following “It’s not your fault Brian, even if you had trained him you couldn’t have stopped what happened. It was going to happen no matter what and if you were there that would be you as well and we’d be down two team members. You can’t beat yourself up over this, you did all you could”. Brocks words were soft and caring yet Brian couldn’t accept them, in fact they affirmed his resolve.

“Tyler call Marcel, tell him to bring parts for me, not for Ohm”. With that said he reached into his still open frame and broke free his vitaliser, a giant gush of air was let out and he stumbled a little bit, he had 5 minutes before he shut down.

“Brian what the hell are you doing! You’ll kill yourself, you know your body can’t handle another shut down” Brock was shouting beside him, trying to pull his arm away. He heard Tyler in the background swearing as he took out his phone.

Brian turned to Brock “Please let me do this, this one thing to try and redeem myself. I couldn’t live with myself unless I knew I tried everything. Please Brock”

“I don’t want to lose you”

“You won’t, I promise I’ll come back to you”

Brock gave a nod and took a step back. 4 minutes, he could totally do this. He connected the vitaliser to Ohm and waited. It felt like forever before he heard the faint whir it made that meant it was starting to work. He saw one of Ohms hands twitch, 3 minutes.

He pulled out Ohms old core, clearing out the shards of metals which had been shattered due to the grenade. He didn’t hesitate when he pulled out his own core, but he couldn’t stop himself when he started to fall against the table. Brock grabbed him before he could fall to the floor and held him up whilst he put his core into Ohm, Brock helped him push the core in place as all his systems started to fail.

He noticed in his peripheral the other guys had joined them and were watching the scene before them, he couldn’t make out their faces, he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

1 minute.

With the last of his power he could muster he sent another bolt of electricity through the wire still connecting him and Ohm. The body jerked but there was no sign of life. He did it again, nothing. “C’mon Ohm, please” Feeling himself get weaker he sent another bolt but still nothing. “Please, please, please…” was all he could say as he sent one final bolt through to Ohm before he fell limp in Brocks arms. In his last moments of consciousness, he saw Ohm suddenly sit up on the table, confused look on his face as he took in the room.

Brian looked up at Brock who was now holding him on the floor, tears falling down his face. “Don’t worry Brock, I’ll be back” and with that his body shut off.

He opened his eyes to find himself laying in his bed, he looked down to see that his chest had been sealed shut but leaving a scar from having ripped it open. It was then that he noticed two other people in the room with him. One was Brock, he was sleeping with his head on the bed whilst still sitting in the chair, Brian smiled softly at him as he started combing his hand through the others hair. The other person was Ohm sitting on his right side, wide awake with a small smile on his face.

“Thank you, Brian. I know we haven’t gotten on well together, and I’m not expecting that to change because you saved me, but if there’s anything you need, anything at all then just ask me okay”

Brian smiled at the smaller cyborg. “You have nothin to be sorry for Ohm. I was a complete dick to you your whole time here”. He could see Ohm about to protest so he simply put up his hand, the other cyborg settling down and giving a nod to let him continue. “I ain’t gonna lie to you, I was jealous of you. I’ve been here years; the guys have had loads of other opportunities to bring in other cyborgs, but they didn’t, not until you. I couldn’t stop thinking  bout how special you must be for them to take you in, but I know now. When I was repairing you, I saw your memory drive, at the shootout you thought that was a normal grenade, you knew it was gonna hit Ev, Del and Toonz, and you jumped on it to save them. You were gonna sacrifice yerself for them, for people you’d known a couple months, for people I cared for. I’ll always be grateful to you for that”.

Ohm looked at him in shock, he was flustered as he tried to form words but was speechless after Brian’s admission.

“After I get my couple days bedrest, we’re gonna train alright. I’ll teach ya how to fight properly, the others are good, but they’re not Irish”

Ohm let out a giggle at that. “I look forward to it”. Ohm stood to leave, giving one more smile to Brian. “Thank you again Brian, but never do something that stupid again” Now it was Brian’s turn to look flustered as Ohm laughed again and headed for the door. “I’ll let the others know you’re alright, you seem to be in good company” and with that Ohm left, softly closing the door behind him.

From then on spare parts for both of them were stored around the base in case of an emergency, and whilst they trained together, they were never to go on a mission together. It was figured that if an EMP grenade was used again and they were both there then they’d both be fucked, but this way the other would always be back at the base ready to repair them should the occasion arise.

Scotty and Marcel had also created a lead-based vest for them, their increased strength meaning that they weren’t too much of a burden for the two cyborgs. Whilst it wasn’t sure-fire protection against all EMPS it did a damn good job most of the time.

Ohm and Brian became close friends, almost inseparable, often times Ohm being the only person, except Brock, who could cheer Brian up when he was having an off day. It confused the guys at first, how Brian’s opinion of Ohm did a complete 180 but, in the end, decided not to question it. Instead content to listen to strange giggles passing through the base followed by the swears of an Irishman.

��_

[kenrik]

Conflicted - that was what I felt after my first viewing of TLJ.

My journey from “???” to “WTF!!”. Comparing my insight from my first viewing of TLJ to my second. 

1. I am Reylo shit. But after watching TLJ, I couldn’t process what I’d just seen. I felt like there was nothing bridging the gap from “You’re a monster!” to “Let’s work together, Ben Solo~” So, I thought, initially, that their relationship was poorly constructed. And, I felt conflicted because - although I would love Reylo to happen, I didn’t want it to happen in a mucked up sort of way. 

2. The first scene - the bombing scene. I couldn’t understand it. Where the hell did those vessels come from? Who the hell was that woman. And why the hell do we care about the medallion around her neck? Just - who the faq? 

3. Poe is an idiot. A dolt. A trigger happy fool. (A stark contrast to his soundness from TFA.)

4. Then, after the first scene - I guess everything happened and my brain went haywire - thinking - W.T.F.????!!!??? My brain proceeded to shutdown afterwards, I think. And just let the images pass. 

5. Holdo’s sacrifice was very cliche. Best sacrifice scene for me was Lelouch’s. Going back to it, I guess anime’s sacrificial themes make western ones pale in comparison. Anyway, I didn’t appreciate this scene so much - even with the spectacular cinematography - because it was what it is - cliche. Also, there would be zero casualties other than herself. I mean, as far as logic went - anyone with half a brain would’ve done what she did. “It’s only logical.” lol

6. Too many jokes. Hux became a punchline which I found annoying. I felt it was forced (lol). Also, the recurring about Poe being trigger happy - wanting to bomb everything in sight. That was just, very cringeworthy. (And I understand why they did it, though. Curse you Marvel! And your many jokes! DAMN-IT.) 

7. Luke’s snarkiness. Maybe I need a refresher course on his character. Last we saw him, he’s been battling with incredible shit as a kid. Then now, we jump to his old master type guy who smirks a lot... BRIDGE. THE. GAP. 

8. Kylo Ren - the GIGANTIC. PAIN IN THE ASS. CRYBABY. One of the reasons I left the movie house utterly conflicted was this character. When I though he had progressed (somewhat) - he goes reverse psycho mode and losses all his shit - and with it, all that development he made in the middle part of the film. As a Kylo Ren buff - this was incredibly frustrating to say the least.

8.5 Rey’s constant rejection of Kylo Ren. But who can blame her?? That guy’s a mess! One of the reasons I left the movie house conflicted was Kylo’s flipflopping character development. By the end - I was like - of course she’d leave you - you’re an idiot! Two rejections in one movie plus that one rejection in TFA... how many times does Rey have to reject you before you clean your act up, stupid Ren?! I felt angry and sad for Kylo, for being conflicted, lost, close to something certain, solid, then all out batshit crazy and lost and conflicted again. It was a rollercoaster for me and my rooting for Ben Solo’s character. Damn did that guy take me for a ride. 

9. Phasma v Finn scene. Phasma is an incredible baddie. I loved their fight scene. My comment is, though, - that it was minute. Ever so tiny. And her “death” was so anticlimactic - I can’t even. It was cliche. The fight could have been longer. 

10. Finn and Rose - IDIOTS. What were those two thinking sharing their plans to an absolute stranger?? And they get shocked that the thief sold them out the first chance he got. Seriously - their whole subplot was like stepping on dogshit. I get the message the team wanted to bring across. But seriously, that same message could’ve been said with a better subplot. There was no answer as to who the man with the rose pin was - no recall to the past story, to any story in SW. Use the old characters for some substance! We have so many more of them at the team’s disposal. :/ 

Cookies (Parts I loved since the first viewing.)

1. Leia is kween. That force stunt she pulled was epic. It was incredible. I can’t even. (Proves to show you how strong she is with the force - and FU fanboys whining - “The force ain’t werq dat wei betch!”) 2. Luke and his liberal approach to the force. Preach!! 3. Rose’s message about weapon dealers (AKA AMERICA, RUSSIA, CHINA. H8CHU FUCKERS - fighting each other when you’re basically on the same fucking boat - HU U THINK UR FOOLING).  3.5 Rose hitting deserter Finn with a stunbaton/gun. 4. That immaculate contrast of white and red minerals.  5. BB8 DOING ALL THE WORK IN ROSE and FINN’S ARC. I mean - GIVE THE DAMN DROID/ROBOT AN OSCAR! 6. Rey’s druggy self-discovery scene. That was just crazy good.  7. The bitchy fish nuns.  8. Chewie roasting porgs while porgs watch in tearful horror.  9. Luke’s leap from one hill to the next.  10. Ben’s slide/glide when he first talks to Rey via force bond. 10.25 Rey’s incessant bitching to Ren via force bond about how Ben is a monster. How she beat him. How she found Luke before him. How she beat him. How he’s a loser. How he’s an idiot. How she hates him. (During that scene, I just can’t help but laugh at her intense lashing out at him HAHA) 10.5 Rey shooting Ren the first opportunity she got.  10.75 Ren standing in the bridge? looking at the platform thing? And Ren being all savage and unforgiving and shooting the fighter planes of the resistance.  11. Snoke’s labyrinth scene!!!!*#*#JMNFUWNF!!!*@(#*$ 12. Epic Yoda is epic. I watched the film with my blockmates, impromptu right after our last finals exam. His quote "Failure is the best teacher.” literally made us ball out in tears. DAMN IT. Yoda got us again! “Do or do not, there is no try.” is so good it’s unfair.  13. Kylo ren practically throwing a tantrum when he faced his uncle Luke.  14. “You came from nothing.You are nothing... But not to me.” 15. Luke’s deep backwards dip in his face off with his nephew Ben.  16. Hux’s screaming repeat of Ben’s order to proceed, earning a “dafuq” look from Kylo.  17!!! Kylo Ren and Anakin = obvious blatant parallels! The hair, the attire, the anger in their expressions! 

My SECOND VIEWING gave me clarity. So, here is my feedback after not having been taken by a shitload of surprise.  1. The scenes had okay pacing. Just unnoticeable because a lot was shoved to our face in less than three hours.  2. Finn/Rose subplot was meh, not exactly the worst thing in the world. And, it makes sense that they get that type of subplot. Rose was a low-ranking member, delegated to catching deserters. Finn knows next to nothing about the Resistance. And Poe is a loose canon. Of course the quest they’d end up in is only as good as what their character’s can make up. This is very realistic actually.  3. It’s a kid’s movie. Of course it would be riddled with cliches.  4. Vulnerability - that’s what bridged the gap between Rey and Ren.  5. Captain Phasma is coming back! *hopefully* She deserves a better send off!  6. Kylo Ren’s character development. I was devastated after my first viewing. I thought he had regressed to the point of no return. Man, I was so ready to throw all my Reylo hopes away because dammit if an idiot ends up with Rey. But, I failed to appreciate that last scene between them properly. 

Ren is kneeling, head bowing low in remorse.  And Rey were eyes hard and unforgiving, her expression, swelling in disappointment of him.  Wow. That said a lot. This is a huge step. After Rey left him (wow it’s like leaving a lover after having had sex), Ren just catapults himself into a raging fit. How could he not? How could he not lose all of his shit after having LOST ALL HIS SHIT. HAHA (Shit is such a good placeholder for the dumb.) I mean - he just killed his Supreme Leader. He offered his heart out to Rey - to this stranger. For once in his life, nothing had been clearer to him - he wanted to join forces with Rey. Forget everyone else. So long as she joined him, nothing would ever be unattainable. But she rejected him. And then - he lost all his shit. He was so certain for once - that Rey would join him. That she saw the same future he saw of her, of them, standing together towards the same goal.  With her rejection - he was thrown back to confusion. To that irrational conflict he could never make sense of. Everything that happened after was an intense blur that he could do nothing more but work in automatic mode. And his automatic mode is work like a bitch baby. Imagine this - everything happened so fast after than one moment of clarity - The resistance found a safe haven. The Millennium Falcon was shooting at them. And that one person he’s been searching for all his life resurfaces out of thin air. All the lies that Snoke told him, all the hatred that scum put in his mind, just exploded. 

Everything happened so quickly. He had no second to think straight. He went to what was natural - what Snoke taught him.  Which is why~ that moment of realization at the end, of regret, remorse, guilt - towards Rey, towards this person who seemed to genuinely believe in him - is so important. It makes me believe that he’ll be thinking of his actions more rationally. And this makes me happy for my favorite character. 

A lot have said this, but I think a year or a few will pass in the timeline before we rejoin the characters. We’ve seen their conflict. Now, we’ll see them in their fullest form - allowing for the ultimate battle. This, I’m really excited for. And I give zero fucks whether or not Kylo will be good or bad. I just want him to know who he is and what he is fighting for. And for the briefest moment, we saw it in TLJ - the death of the past - of the Republic and of the Jedi Order - and hopefully of the ashes of the Empire - the First Order. 

TLJ was a really good film. I can’t say it was a really good SW film, but it was an incredible film. You haters need to get your shit together and progress with everyone else. Also, I hate you all for crying Mary Sue on Rey. We women had to deal with countless Mary Sue men in our blockbusters. Now we have one of our own, you’re bitch crying at Disney. FU. 

Stay calm. Stay chill.  KenRik. 

[waywardsons-imagines]

Someone Else Callin’ You Baby

Author - Aingeal

Characters - Dean, Reader, Mentions of Sam & a male friend of the reader

Summary/Request - After telling her the truth about what he does for a living, Dean has to leave for a job. What happens when he comes back, and sees her leaving her house with another man??

Word Count - 1,569

Warnings - Angst I suppose...And a little fluff...I think that’s it though? (If you spot any other warnings I should add, please let me know so I can edit this post to include them!)

A/N - Based on Luke Bryan’s Someone Else Calling You Baby  Any indented text is a flashback :) This was a challenge, but since I haven’t written any SPN lately, I figured I’d post here too :D

Story -

Standing in my kitchen, running some hot tea through my fancy-schmancy keurig machine, I hear the front door open, followed by it being slammed closed.

I flinched a bit and heard heavy footsteps making their way through the house. “Y/N!” “Kitchen,” I responded, calling out. “And can you not yell, please?” “Sorry, sweetheart,” he said as he walked into the room. “We need to talk.” I turned around to face him, leaning my hands back on the counter, a bemused smile on my face. “Dean Winchester wants to talk? That’s a first.”

“I’m serious here, Y/N,” he sighed before frustratingly adding, “I deserve to know the truth.”

I felt my eyebrows sink down in confusion. “What are you talking about? Truth about what?”

He walks a little farther into the room, leaning his hand on the table. His tone was rough, but almost… scared.

“I was…” he cleared his throat and stared hard at the table he was leaning agains. “I was - uh… swinging by to surprise you the other day, since I’d been gone for... work. And, uh, I saw a truck backin’ out of your driveway.” He was quiet for a second, bobbing his head. “You were in the passenger seat, messin’ with the radio… so you probably didn’t even notice me.” My eyes widened a little and my shoulders drop. Despite the fact that I knew what he was talking about, I felt my heart race and my ears and cheeks redden.

Reaching over, I fiddled with the radio.Connecting the AUX cord to my phone, I turned on the playlist I had set up. Turning up the volume, I relaxed in my seat and closed my eyes.

My favorite pink camo sunglasses in place, favorite boots on, with my favorite jeans and flannel shirt to match. Only thing I was missing was my hat, but I just didn’t have time to find it.

Riding along, windows down and music up loud, I bopped around in the seat to make him laugh as he drove us to the open field just outside of town.

“Two weeks ago, before I left, that was you and me, Y/N,” Dean said roughly, staring at me with an emotion I couldn't identify, but I could definitely understand. “Riding around town, you singing along to our favorite songs...”

“Dean,” I exclaimed softly. “It’s not--”

“--You know, I’ve heard the whispers,” Dean interrupted. I don't think he noticed I spoke. “The rumors an’ stuff that you were seeing someone else... You told me you wanted some time. That you needed to process what I told you about my life…” he stopped for a long moment. “I gave you that space, Y/N.”

I could feel the tears starting to fill my eyes. There’s no way he actually believes this shit, right? I opened my mouth to speak, but once again he spoke over my stammers.

“It killed me to be away from you like that, but I was willing to do whatever it took for you… to come to terms.” He shrugged helplessly. “I never thought you’d move along to someone else…” he shook his head, “but judging by your…” he motioned to me, his face resigned and… angered. “Maybe I should have been listening to what everyone was saying.”

“Dean, please…” My voice cracked a little. “Let me -”

“Oh, I’ll let you explain, sweetheart,” the fucker interrupted me again. “I’m not leaving here until I hear you tell me exactly what was goin’ on…” he said with a resigned sigh. “Because it’s either him,” he paused, his stance showed he was on the offensive, “or me, sweetheart.”

Standing it the open field, surrounded by pick-up trucks, tailgates down, a big ‘ol bonfire burned bright and hot in the middle.

Music was blaring, drinks were flowing, and everyone was having an amazing time.

This was just what I needed after everything with Dean and… monsters.

He had told me he was going out of town for work... again. I wasn’t gonna be accepting that this time, though. I wanted the damn truth.

I… I agree that I may have been… unfairly jumping to conclusions.

“What is it really Dean? Huh?” I was nearing crying. “Another woman somewhere? You take these damn trips but can’t tell me where, or when you’ll be back. What are you hiding!?”

“There’s no one else but you, sweetheart,” he defended. “I promise. Sammy and I just have to take care of somethings for… for work.”

“Screw you, Winchester!” My hand involuntarily lifted, pulling back, before flying forward to hit him. He caught my wrist just before it connected with his face.

“HEY!” He snapped. “Fine! You want the truth?”

“It would be a refreshing change from the crap you usually try to hand me!”

“I’m a hunter, Y/N. I hunt monsters.”

“I thought you were going to tell me the truth Dean?! Monsters aren’t re-”

“Trust me sweetheart, they are very real. Werewolves, vampires, demons? All of it, is real. Sammy and I, we hunt them. That’s our job.”

I didn’t pay attention to his face. I was too selfish at the time to. To see how heartbroken his eyes were as he stared down at me expectantly. Probably just waiting for me to reject him and walk out.

To leave him forever. 

I didn’t watch him, I didn’t notice that his eyes were shining with tears that he didn’t want to shed in front of me as I told him what he was telling me was untrue.

“Look, Y/N,” he rasped. “I know this is a lot to take in. I understand i-if you want to -”

“I just need some time Dean,” I mumbled, dazed. “I need to - to process all of this.”

“Yeah,” he replied abruptly. “Okay. I-I understand. Just uh, call me?”

His voice sounded so small and sad. But I couldn’t even give a real reply. All I could offer was a small nod while I looked up at him with a forced smile.

Leaning down, he placed a gentle kiss on my cheek. Not the quick, rough kiss he usually gave as he left, but rather one that felt like he was begging me to believe him and give him a chance.

“Listen, all I want to know is if someone else is calling you baby? Or - or any other little nickname?” He didn’t give me time to reply. “Because, to be honest here, darlin’, being in the dark about all this? This is driving me absolutely insane.”

He was quiet for a moment, and I didn’t try to speak. “I know I dropped a bomb on you before I left,” he murmured. “And if you want me to leave then… then fine, but don’t try to save me from some bullshit heartbreak, just tell me the truth!”

“Dean Winchester,” I stammered. “I love you, I do. But -”

“I got it.” He held his hands up in defeat and turned to walk out.

“But you’re a complete and utter moron if you think I’d ever leave you over something as small as what you do for work.”

He stopped mid stride. Not turning around, but at least finally giving me a chance to speak.

My words came out in a rush. “That guy people have seen me around town with? That you saw me drive off with? Is my best friend. He’s like my brother, Dean.”

I let out a soft sigh and pushed off the counter. Taking a few steps toward Dean, I could see his jaw clenching.

“Every time you left, I thought the worst... And he was always there to try to reassure me that I was crazy and that you may be stubborn, but you really did love me.”

Finally, he turned back to face me. His eyes were damp, glossed over with tears that refused to fall. The look on his face broke my heart, and I wanted nothing more than to run to him.

“When you told me the truth about you and Sam... I-I was lost,” I teared up just from admitting it to him.

”I couldn’t tell him about… all of it, because I didn’t want to betray you... Not like he would have believed me anyway.” I chuckled nervously. “Instead, he offered a different solution to talking. We went to parties, had fun, kept my mind off the fact that my boyfriend was out fighting monsters...”

Dean stepped closer to me, holding his arms out. I met him halfway, and wrapped mine around his waist. I felt his chin come to rest on the top of my head, while his arms pulled me in flush to his front.

“I’m... sorry, sweetheart. I should have trusted you. I should have known that -”

“Hey, you couldn’t know. You’ve never met him before, and after what you told me? I’d probably think I’d ran off with someone else too.”

I pulled away slightly, looking up into his soft green orbs. Smiling, I reached up and pecked his lips lingeringly. 

“I love you Dean, nothing is going to change that. Just, promise me one thing?”

“Anything, sweetheart,” he replied with a relieved sigh, resting his forehead against mine.

“Make sure you and Sam come home safe to me every fucking time you leave me. Deal?”

“Deal.” He kissed my forehead lightly. “No monster will ever keep me from coming home to you.”

[mojorising74]

I am a Monster.  Let me tell you why.

So, I have had many people really want to know why I didn’t enjoy The Last Jedi and I’ve held back answering because the film is fresh and I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s experience.  I did post a four word review of the film on Facebook (”That was... not good.”) and I was stunned to discover that this opinion was not a popular one.  Literally stunned.  So stunned I actually began to question my own thoughts on the film.

And taking some time away from the film and considering all the moments in the film I can recall, (I’ve only seen it once) I’ve decided to alter my review.

That was... really not very good.

So, here we go. I’m gonna break this down in the order as it was experienced by me.  I’m not gonna go back and edit this, so I apologize for typos. But I really don’t want to spend any more time on this then I have to.  This feels like my eulogy to Star Wars.  And I don’t want to linger here.

First off, the opening crawl.  This is a weird one, contested by many, except those in the theater with me.  The crawl was slanted, drifting slightly off to the right of the screen.  It was weirdly noticeable by everyone in my group.  We were slightly off to the left of center in the audience, but measuring the distance at the top of the screen to the scroll on our side vs the distance on the other side made us feel really confident that that the scroll was in fact slanted.  Like, Rian Johnson was putting his own slant on things (I see what he did there).  Or maybe the projector was tilted.  Either way, I missed the entire opening crawl because my brain opted to obsess over this detail.  I’m willing to accept most of the responsibility here, but yeah.  Slanted crawl pulled me out of Star Wars and made me think about how crawls were shot on a plate and how easy it would be to tilt the camera to give it a new cinematic flavor and blah blah blah.  Basically the slanted crawl had no bearing on my overall enjoyment of the film, other than I had retained nothing from the crawl going in and the movie was going to have to stand on it’s own cinematically, with no summary backstory.  

Good or bad, in the interest of full disclosure, I present this fact for your judgement.

Yeah, it’s gonna be that kind of review.

Right off the bat we get the first ESB call back of an evacuation shuttle leaving a planet while the First Order looms in the background.  From the trailers, I’m already expecting an AT-AT walker snow planet battle, so immediately I’m put on the defensive that the film is not gonna learn from criticisms of The Force Awakens and is going to attempt a rehash of “greatest hit” moments from the greatest Star Wars film.  George Lucas referred to this as “poetry” when he recalled certain elements in the prequels, saying “They rhyme.”  The new films seem to be seriously leaning in to this theory, but it feels like fan service rather than nuanced storytelling.

I’m disappointed by this but it is in no way a deal breaker.  Back to the movie.

Poe, by himself with no squadron waiting, decides to face off the First Order’s new weapon (The Dreadnaught) by flying his tiny x-wing to meet them.  We are then subjected to a laurel and hardy routine sponsored by Verizon Wireless, where General Hux is made out to be a total buffoon and completely incompetent.  (People will remember that one of everyone’s favorite part of the prequels was how the robot army was totally incompetent and easily out smarted by our clever heroes.  Or, the opposite of that.)  

But this scene also made me wonder about the intelligence of our hero as well.  He flies out to meet the star destroyers and only then does he decide to charge up his boosters for his daring plan?  “But Carl, he was playing it by ear!”  No, the generals on the resistance ship clearly know what his plan is and disapprove.  So, Poe actively decides to show up for this fight completely unprepared.  But whatever.  That’s a nit pick.  I know that, but these things start to weigh on me.  See, it wasn’t a story element that he needed more time to charge the boosters, it was a purposefully extended scene to stretch out a “can you hear me now” joke at the sake of plausibility. 

Disagree with me?  Think of the scene like this.

Hux gives his speech about how he will not take prisoners (instead of just shooting the guy out of the sky which would have delivered that message so much more succinctly).

Poe says his first line “I’m holding for General Hux.”

Hux looks confused for a moment, but quickly realizes he’s being played. “Blow him out of the sky!”

Cut to: Poe’s ship where his engine charge is ready and he blasts off and away.

All the same story beats with a quick, satisfying laugh that doesn’t stop the story or undermine the competency of the characters involved.

Speaking of competency, that brings up my next note.  Poe is a fucking Mary Sue.  Holy shit.  The next sequence of Poe destroying ALL but one of the cannons recalls one of my least favorite moments in Force Awakens.  That one shot where Finn is watching Poe fly around bulls-eyeing something like NINE tie fighters and several ground troops without even breaking a sweat.  It sets up this ridiculous expectation, that either Poe is that much better than everyone else in either the Resistance or First Order, making everyone else depressingly bad at their jobs, or him impossibly good.  Either way, it’s lazy story telling.  

We’ve seen good pilots in both of the previous trilogies, all of them having force powers to help them fight at elevated levels, but I’ve never felt, watching any of the other films, that one pilot was enough to single handedly sway any battle.  Battles in the previous films always felt epic and sweeping.  Poe feels like an OP video game character.  The kind that inspires patches to reduce his power because he kills the fun of playing the game and takes away the sense of menace from the foes he faces.

So, we’ll skip the next few nit picks; (bombs “falling” in “space”; why are space bombers slow when there is no gravity or atmosphere? Why are bomb bays triggered by a single button garage door opener? Why would you waste bombers on a mission that clearly calls for a missle or.. an unmanned vehicle blasting into hyper space?  We’ll get to that later cuz holy fuck.)

I want to point out that I’m getting nit picky at this point, but watching the film, I have NOT checked out.  Still engaged.  Still excited.  There is some Star Wars shit happening and I am in for the ride!  Woo hoo! Snoke is pissed and is gonna murder the fuck outa that buffoon Hux for letting the Resistance escape into hyper space.

So, the rebels come out of hyperspace and Leia casually mentions that she has a tracking device to help Rey find her way home.  

LITERALLY MOMENTS LATER, the First order leaps out of hyper space and everyone starts screaming “They tracked us some how!”  My brain, which has been literally processing story elements that are fed to me as they are fed to me immediately makes the connection between the First Order tracking the Resistance and the bracelet on Leia’s arm.  Those mother fuckers are tracking that shit, and that means they can also find Rey, which means Rey and Luke are in danger as well.  Hux even says “We have them tied to the end of the line.”  And this is further cemented as what is happening when Snoke suddenly forgives Hux like he’s the best general who ever lived.  Like maybe he just explained to Snoke that they found the tracking signal and he’s about to serve up Luke Motherfucking Skywalker.

Except, that’s not what happened.  What actually happened is that the First order had finally perfected some 50 year old Imperial technology that was briefly mentioned in Rogue One.  Hux didn’t have a clever plan that pleased Snoke.  He had some technology.  Technology that Snoke would have already known about.  Snoke sent Hux back to work like he nailed it, when he should have been like “You fucking idiot, you are the luckiest son of a bitch in the world that you completed that technology cuz we should have finished these guys already.  I’m taking a body part.  Get back to work.”

And the secret space tracker that Leia had?  Didn’t need it.  Finn steals it briefly in a cowardly attempt to save the girl he has a crush on, But other than that, it has almost no bearing on the story.  Rey uses her connection to Kylo to fly back and surrender to him.  The tracker was only used as a plot device to introduce Rose, and to show Finn in a most unheroic light.  Again.  A familiar bell rang many times in The Force Awakens.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves, because the best moment in the movie happened before this and I want to talk about it.

Kylo and the first order have caught the resistance with their pants down and they are fucking shit up.  Kylo cruises in on the lead cruiser, aims at the bridge, and suddenly senses his mother standing there.  Overcome with emotion, Kylo realizes that he can’t kill his mother.  That doing that would mean there is no chance for his redemption.  And he CHOOSES TO SPARE HER LIFE! 

But oh shit, two other fighters are cruising with him and they dont hesitate to fire on the bridge.  There is an explosion and Leia is sucked out into space.

Ladies and gentleman, this was possibly the greatest moment in Star Wars history.  Leia was dead.  Her death had powerful meaning.  In the moment of Kylo’s redemption, he has it stolen away by others.  His path to forgiveness destroyed.  He will never be forgiven by the other characters in the film.  he is doomed to fight as evil because the forces of good will give him no quarter for killing their general.  He is a cursed man.  His guilt will know no bounds.  

I sat there in the cinema, speechless.  Completely destroyed emotionally, openly weeping.  Carrie Fisher leaves the film, her character arc complete, her death a meaningful and truly shocking moment in the film.  Absolutely stunning.

And then she opens her eyes.  And I start crying for a different reason.  She holds out her hand and force pulls herself to safety, ignoring the other heroes on the bridge who were also blown out into space.  She chooses to use her magic powers to save herself and let everyone else die.  

Like a fucking hero.

I was stunned at how terrible this moment plays on screen.  Truly stunned.  Leia had literally just given a speech on how soldiers die heroes but never commanders.  Her first chance to put her money where her mouth is, she ignores her own advice and saves her own skin instead.

This also gave me the stunning revelation that Leia would not be dying in this film, because as bad as Rian Johnson is at Star Wars, he’s not so bad to miraculously save a character only to kill her off later because her epic heroic death is still waiting in the wings.  Knowing that Carrie Fisher had died made me feel like her character would never get the incredible exit from the saga that was just missed in the preceding opportunity.  Princess Leia will die off screen between films.  Or she will be digitally reincarnated.  But neither of those things serve her memory or her character.  The Force Awakens had a lot of missed opportunities, but none of them like this missed moment here.

Meanwhile Rey is trying to convince Luke Skywalker to come back and he insists that he has no intention of ever returning.  WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE A MAP TO WHERE YOU WERE HIDING?  WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING? WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!

While we’re here, Chewie eating Porgs while they gather around him to ponder the deaths of their kin is nothing less than horrifying.  These creatures are sentient and aware they are bing eaten, and instead of running for their lives, they stare sadly at the creature eating them.  These creatures are not long for this world. This is my only note on Porgs.  

They’re... fine.

Also, ghost Yoda can shoot lightning bolts?  Is that something they could always do?  Why the fuck are we fighting a war when theres an army of lightning powered ghost warriors wandering the cosmos.  Hey Ghost Yoda why don’t you make yourself useful and ghost your way into a star destroyer and lightning the fuck out of power core?

Ghost Yoda shooting lightning fundamentally breaks Star Wars.  

Moving on...

Seriously.  We’re just getting started.

Back at the resistance, Finn has decided to sneak off the cruiser with Leia’s bracelet.  Now, remember, at this point in the film, I’m still thinking the bracelet is the way the First Order is tracking the resistance.  The whole “they must be tracking us through hyper space” plot line feels super thin and the only thing holding it to reality is a passing reference in a film that takes place roughly 50 years before this one.  Remember, there is literally no reason, that I as a casual movie goer, should think that the First order has in fact figured out this new tech and are not following this bracelet instead.  Nothing about Snoke’s response or Hux’s response suggest this is the case.

So, I’m thinking, fuck yeah.  Finn has figured this out, and he’s gonna try and lure the First Order away by pretending he’s Princess Leia.  Like a hero.  This is gonna draw the First Order off the Resistance and put Finn in a lot of danger.  Danger that’s gonna get super cool when Rey follows the beacon home and discovers her friend captured by storm troopers!  What a crazy action packed reunion that’s gonna be!

Oh wait.  Finn is sneaking off to lure Rey away from the First Order, so the two of them can be together after the resistance is destroyed, or something.  Like a... hero?  Is this really the conclusions a hero comes to?  I mean, i get it, the movie calls him out on this, but like, didn’t we already do the “Finn is running away” plot line in the last movie?  Didn’t we already resolve that he’s not a coward and willing to fight for what’s right?  He knows Rey won’t be cool with this move.  What the fuck is he doing?  WHAT THE FUCK!

Ok, so, he tells Rose what he was really up to, and she magically understands the quantum mechanics of tracking a ship through hyper space.  Finn and Rose, the janitor and the repair girl, within moments of being presented with a problem come up with the most far fetched solution that could possibly be, WHILE IGNORING THE MOST OBVIOUS PROBLEM IN THEIR HANDS (I mean honestly, even if someone had briefly looked at the tracker and said “What about this”, followed by a quick explanation and I could move on, but in the 2 1/2 hour run time there just wasn’t enough time to address this obvious plot hole).

So, Finn, Poe and Rose decide to disobey orders and embark on a mission after being told that there is only one man in the galaxy that can hack into a first order star destroyer.  This man, will be identifiable by his flower pendant.  That he always wears.  At all times.  So he can be identifiable.  To people sent to him to hack secret codes.  You know, just in case.  Also he is always at the high stakes gambling tables.  Not eating.  Not reading the paper in his apartment.  He exists in a constant state of high stakes gambling.

Sigh.  Fine.  Let’s go find this guy.

Finn and Rose leave in a shuttle and are immediately identified as a shuttle leaving the ship by the First Order but they are told to ignore the shuttle and to continue chasing the main ships.  This scene is really fucking important for later on in the movie so let me reiterate on this point:  A shuttle left the resistance ships and was immediately tracked and identified by the First Order.  Yeah, you know where I’m going with this, but let’s just leave it here in your fucking brain for a minute, the way it sat in mine for the rest of the movie.

So, now we get a weird story arc for Rose.  Rose hates everyone who lives in this city.  Why? Did she live here?  No.  She was a slave growing up in a mine somewhere else.  But rich people who live in this city built weapons from stuff the slave children mined so fuck this town and everyone in it.

This,’rich people were mean to me so I hate all rich people’ storyline feels like a super weak attempt to make a political statement about classism and suggests that future Star Wars films are going to be about the poor people rising up and defeating the elitists who are literally getting rich off of watching us kill each other.  This is a clumsy metaphor for what’s happening in the world. (It also completely ignores that this city is also home to the sometimes lover of one of our main resistance heroes, so maybe not everyone is so bad?)

But fine.  Clumsy metaphor.  Poor people good, rich people bad.  Got it.

Rose and Finn find the man they are looking for but are immediately arrested and thrown in jail.  The absolute worst jail in movie history.  First off, they are locked up together.  But not only together, with a third person.  A magic person who claims (and actually does) he has the exact skills the duo is looking for.  Skills our characters have been told do not exist outside of the man with a flower on his coat.  

This new man breaks them out of jail with items he snuck in (deus ex incompetence), only to discover that BB-8 has already dispatched the guards and was literally moments away from rescuing them himself.  I point this out because none of the suspension of disbelief required above was necessary to get out of the situation.  The movie just did it.  Inexplicably.  Just crammed in a  moment to waste our time.  

Which I suddenly realize is a recurring theme in the film.  Cramming in moments that have no bearing on the story to fill time.

Fine.  They escape.  But they do not try to reconnect with the guy they saw at the casino.  They instead decide to scrub the mission and head back.  I’m weirdly on board with this because this whole plan was incredibly contrived from the beginning.  Anything to get back to the story at hand.

But this new person they met in jail just keeps forcing himself on them, rescuing them at the last moment from... I’m not sure what.  Going back to terrible jail?  It’s not hard to break out of.  They’ve already decided to leave the planet empty handed so, I’m not really sure what the stakes are for this camel cat chase scene are supposed to be.  Like, it seems to be a crazy desperate escape from being temporarily hindered.  Whatever.  All your friends are dying in the slowest chase scene across the galaxy ever, but this action packed chase scene has almost zero stakes.  Think about where you’re investing your story moments, people.  

Shake it off, there is still a lot of movie to get through, but at this point, the movie is actually working against me.

Ok, so Finn and Rose escape the gambling city, leaving the slave children to be whipped and beaten for their participation in the escape, and all of the camel cats are immediately round up and returned to the stables, to be also whipped and beaten for running away.  (This is proven fact when we revisit the children later on and find them still working in the stables, sweeping straw. If the camel cats were still gone, there would be no need to tend the stables and we already know the slavers are not opposed to beating the children or the camel cats.)

But hey, none of that matters cuz “Game on!”  We have a hacker!  Who claims he can do the thing.  With zero credibility or references.  But by god, this is our only hope.  Cool.  Lets break into a star destroyer.

I wanna pause here to point out there is a storyline happening between Kylo Ren and Rey that is STUNNINGLY good.  Like it’s happening in a different movie.  It’s layered and nuanced and tragic and heartfelt.  Love love everything in this storyline up to the point that Kylo Ren pulls a Homer Simpson trying to murder his omnipotent son, Bart, in that one Tree House of Horror episode just before Bart turns him into a jack in the box. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4T8x7T4Vao

Kylo Ren is moderately more successful then Homer and manages to kill off Snoke by cutting him in half with my favorite move from the Star Wars video game.  And then comes the dance fighting ninja guards who are TERRIBLE at their jobs.  Just terrible.  There’s no other way to explain what happened to human resources.  The outcome of what happened in that room is going to reflect very poorly on the Royal Guard.

But the movie insists I need to watch the Rose Finn stuff so it sends me back to them sneaking onto the star destroyer, where they are immediately identified by an astro mech who spots BB-8.

Moments later they are caught by the First Order, but BB-8 is not captured.  Even though he is with them and was the reason they were caught in the first place.  Somehow, he isn’t captured with them.  the movie suggests it’s because he is hidden under a box, but the Star Mech saw him through the box and the astro mech is present for the capture, but has now apparently forgotten about BB-8.

Sure.  Fine.  Moving on.

Now, I forgot to mention something because during the throne room fight, the movie felt like it was winding down, but I remembered from the trailer that Captain Phasma still hadn’t shown up in the movie and was getting worried that Phasma might be under utilized in this storyline (unless there was some big reveal coming up that totally legitimized her involvement in the film.  Spoiler alert: there isn’t.)

Seriously, why is Phasma in your movies?  Are you trying to make a statement about Boba Fett?  That the only thing a villain needs to become iconic is a cool costume?  Is this a bet you guys made with the original trilogy guys?

So, Phasma shows up, escorts the prisoners to the hangar (not the brig) in order to immediately execute them.  Not interrogate them.  Not hold them prisoner. “But Carl, they knew Finn and Rose would never talk so no need to question them! Also, the hacker already told them everything they wanted to know.”  Ok, first, hacker John only told the First order about the ships sneaking off the spaceship.  Information he was only privy to because he was allowed to be a part of a top secret mission briefing by Poe leading a mutiny against Laura Dern.  And also, master interrogator Kylo Ren is on this ship.  He can mind rape these kids and get all their secrets.  There is NO WAY execution is the next step in the plan. Zero chance.

Hang on.  Hold up.  Let’s talk about Laura Dern who has picked the absolute worst teaching moment that any officer could choose.  The resistance is in tatters.  The main general is in a coma.  Your captains are going down with their ships one at a time.  DON’T BE COY WITH THE DETAILS WHEN DEALING WITH YOUR BEST PILOT!

Also, what the fuck is up with your hair and wardrobe?  Purple hair?  That’s it?  You were like “Space movie lady?  Purple hair, right?” and everyone was like “Sure. That sounds right.” Lazy lazy lazy.....

Whatever.

So, Phasma is gonna execute these fools but KABOOM! and Phasma and her troops disappear.  Finn is surprised by this and decides to make his escape.  But then suddenly out of the smoke comes (wait for it) CAPTAIN PHASMA!

Wha...?  Where did she go?  Did they all run off for a second and then suddenly go “Wait.  Did we kill those guys? Do you guys remember why we came in here?  Fuck.  Lets go back and kill those guys before we leave.  We got the order all mixed up again.”  Just... baffling.  They jettisoned her out of the scene, just so she could reenter the scene dramatically.  Just because the shot of her coming out of the smoke looked cool.  That’s it.

So, now Finn and Phasma fight.  And the backstory between these two characters is thick, and by thick I mean, non-existent.  Nothing feels earned in this battle, including Phasma’s incredibly lack luster “death”.  So, Finn the janitor lucks into victory against the hardened warrior... again.

Man, have we ever seen Finn win a fight in these movies?  Have they been trying to sell us an incompetent hero?  What exactly has Finn done to help the resistance in either of these films?  Is Finn the worst character in Star Wars?  Talk amongst yourself.

But before you do, I want you to consider one thing.  After watching the film, I was pretty vocal about how Finn, Rose and Poe’s plan did absolutely nothing to affect the outcome of the film.  Their adventure was completely pointless.

But I was wrong.  They did cause one thing.  

On the Resistance ships, 30 evacuation shuttles are slipping away, under the assumption that the First Order won’t be able to see the shuttles.  This is a stupid plan, especially since the movie goes out of it’s way to explain that the First Order can ABSOLUTELY track shuttles flying away. (Editor’s note: its been pointed out to me that the shuttles were using cloaking technology, cloaking technology that the First Order had no problem seeing past, simply by possessing the knowledge that it existed.  Lazy lazy lazy...)

But let’s buy into this.  The resistance is escaping, and Finn, Poe and Rose have handed a traitor over to the First Order and directly caused the deaths of 23 of the 30 ships flying away.  Two thirds of the survivors were killed because Finn, Poe and Rose didn’t follow orders.

Now, this is fucking dark.  Holy shit, hubris killed the resistance.

But in the next scene, Poe is leading the goddamn charge against the walkers.

YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT.  You disobeyed orders that killed off almost 300 of the remaining 400 soldiers.  You are summarily executed.  Not the hero of the final battle.  After Poe and Finn’s bullshit, the entire resistance can fit in the goddamn Millenium Falcon.

These characters are not heroes.

So, lets skip over the nit picky shit (Finn can suddenly fly a ship?  When did he learn?  He’s been in a coma since the last movie and one of the main plotlines of the last movie circled around Finn not being able to fly a ship.  Why drop a battering ram so far away from it’s target?  Why not blast the base from space?)

So, then Luke Skywalker shows up and fools everyone into believing he’s actually there, when he isn’t.  It’s magic and shit.  No one can touch him.  (Except we’ve already established that you can indeed touch him through the void, but Nvmnd).

This scene is annoying for two reasons.  One, it’s lame.  Two, the director went through so many lengths to set this up.  He showed a shot of Rey looking at a drowned x wing, so when Luke shows up magically at the end of the movie, folks are like, “He must’ve force lifted the x-wing out of the water and flown it here.”  It was such an easy head fake explanation that utilized information the audience knew from past movies along with necessary story elements to make something believable.  

There are so many head scratchingly stupid moments in this film, that it absolutely stuns me this much thought went into this sequence. To maintain my suspension of disbelief in this moment, the director offered a single well thought out visual to sell Luke’s silly plan to the audience.

So that tells me that the filmmakers were perfectly capable of taking moments established in previous films and building on them smartly.  They just... didn’t.

It’s like when my teacher would give me lower marks then  the rest of the class, not because my paper was worse, but because I was capable of so much more.  Yeah, it seems unfair, but fuck you.  Life isn’t fair.  You get to direct endless Star Wars movies for the rest of your life.  Try not to piss in my mouth while you do it,

Which brings me to my final example of why this movie completely fails.  Laura Dern decides to save the resistance by launching a ship into hyper space directly into the main star destroyer.

Are you serious?  Has this always been an option?  It literally destroyed the ship with the hyper space tracker.  All of the other ships could have escaped if that first bastard who went down with his ship would have done this.  Every death star could have been destroyed with a single freighter.  Holy shit, we could build a canon that shoots things at light speed and destroy everything.

If this has always been an option, it’s ridiculous that it is only thought of now.

Also, if the First order only has one ship that cant track the resistance ships, why not just everybody scatter into hyper space in every direction?  They can’t follow everybody.  if 10 ships are left, 9 get away.  there are literally dozens of different ways to get out of this situation that even the most inexperienced leader could have sussed out, other than abandoning ship to everyone’s immediate execution. 

Heroes are supposed to be great.  There are no great heroes in The Last Jedi.  

So that’s it.  Not a good movie.  Soup to nuts an utter failure.  On par with the worst of the prequels.  And once everybody has had a little time away from the film, you’ll all agree with me.  Just like you all loved the prequels for a little while, until some sober son of a bitch walked up and pointed out a few failings.  

And then the whole goddamn thing comes tumbling down.