#while also being completely unfindable

[asrobersworld]

It is time to start my life blogging! Let me start by telling you a few stories from my childhood and how my life took a drastic turn at the age of 15 then as the blogs go I’ll continue the stories age to age and time to time ! So anyhow I was at the fair grounds and a guy that my brother was friends with ( as was I ) was there also he wanted to go for a drive on the backroad which like I said we had been friends for years I had no reason to question any motive he may have had ! So I without any worry walked up and jumped into his car where he drove up on a road behind the fair grounds! He then parked up there and began to do things I couldn’t believe he was trying to do ! This was a guy that gave me my very first kiss when I was 12 ( kiddy crushes ) ….I then became very uncomfortable being in the car with him ! As quick as I felt that there was a reason to worry I wound up with my head under the steering wheel of his car and my arms shoved into my chest constricted and folded against me by my legs this put me into a fetal position (shown below as close as I can show you to what it actually was ) and why I could not break loose and free myself from this and try to stop what was happening! As he was finished he then got up and I proceeded to get put myself back together and get out of the car and began walking back to the fairgrounds once I had reached it I slid down the hill and tried to blend In with people quickly so I jumped on a ride to make myself unfindable so to speak I was scared and very upset and began to cry on the ride ! My friends quickly gathered at the exit of the ride waiting for me to get off the teacups ( rides ) they knew something was wrong ! I had 2 specific friends that met me there long time friends of mine who went and reported it to the police I was escorted off the fairgrounds by 5 cops that too was horrible for me it looked like I had done something horrible the way the crowd was looking at me ! I was then put into the back of the cop car with my two good friends ! They notified my parents who then came to get me ! They took me to the hospital to have a kit done for evidence! They cut all my nails plucked hairs off me and shaved some ! I then was released to go home ! Returning to school was horrible they all knew what happened the past weekend at the fair so I was stared at constantly and talked about highly ! It had ruined my life completely! My parents took him to court and he got away with it ! I began to receive calls from another family concerning their daughter and the same man , they also took him to court and lost .. another girl also reported this happened to her and she actually wound up pregnant with his child .. their was a few others also that reported him A little later in life by a few years after high school graduation one of my friends that reported him and was in the cop car with me that night went on to marry this man and bare his children! It was like a huge slap in the face for her to have done this ! We didn’t talk much after her having done so ! Fast forward to several years later I receive a phone call from my friend who chose to marry and have kids with this man … asking for my help ! He had began molesting their daughters who at the time only one was in grade school the other was younger the that even ! I was so upset that she had allowed this to happen that she put kids into this possible situation when she knew exactly what kind of man he was ! I had no choice but to go back to court and fight it out again with him for the sake of those kids so he couldn’t hurt them anymore ! This time he lost ! He was indicted on 8 counts all together but not mine because he was then protected by the statute of limitations law ! He received 19 years but mine he just plain got away with ! I seen counselors for a while after that ! At least he’s behind bars now ! This is how my series of life events began at age 15! Come back to find out what happens in my next post !

[ao3gobi17]

I think (although I'm not 100% sure) that the topic of HP has been discussed here before, but I can't find those posts, so I'll just write what comes to my mind (if it's the same as what that person wrote, I apologize to them) - what if Matthew was a wizard and Spider would have inherited his magic? He would attend Hogwarts from the age of 11 (I don't know what house he would be in, I think Gryffindor or Huffelpuff but I can't choose) and he would only come back to Mccosker for holidays. Let's assume that the action of Custody takes place during the holidays. After being kidnapped, would Spider have told Quaritch the truth about his origins? What would Quaritch think about this? Would he let Spider do some magic? Any other thoughts of yours on this topic?

Yeah there was at least one HP question before (I prob just tagged it the same as all the other questions, so it's likely unfindable aha!)

So I agree on Spider being a Huffledor or Gryffinpuff, he's such a good mix of the two imo! I reckon he'd be a lot less concerned about how the McCoskers view him because he'd have so much extra structure from his boarding school life.

I haven't read all the books and I'm generally a bit rusty, but my recollection is you don't tell non-magic people about magic? (Muggles?) So I feel like Spider wouldn't jump to tell Quaritch. (Also, surely that means he could come up with something to help him escape which would be completely unexpected and totally blow Q's mind?)

What interests me with this question is if Matthew was a wizard then would he and Spider possibly have crossed paths in a way they haven't in the fic? If they cross paths, do they have a bond now? With that in mind, would Spider even still be at the McCoskers? Do they get to take their wands home from school - and if so does Spider having his wand on him or not on him affect what he can do while with Quaritch? I feel like I have more questions than answers on this one lol.

In terms of how Quaritch would react to magic... if he hadn't believed in it or been aware of its existence then that's life changing and no doubt he'd have some fear around what it could do. I do think he'd be open to Spider explaining (if Spider was so inclined) and even demonstrating as long as they'd discussed beforehand. His wider concern would be if the magic would cause him to lose Spider (Spider is too powerful for him, can escape, or Spider has powerful magical friends, can escape or Spider's magic will draw enemies to Spider who could harm him etc). If he could accept that magic was real and Spider wanted to live with him and use it (safely) I doubt he'd have a problem with that.

Sorry if this wasn't a thorough enough answer - it's a very interesting question and I think could make an interesting crossover, but my HP knowledge just isn't that great 😅

<3

[skeletonmaster69]

.

[keingleichgewicht]

WERE YOU KIDDING ABOUT THE ASK GAME if not i dont have any specific lyrics in mind but i always thought the lyrics to the mill were so cool and maybe you could get some thoughts out of them? :0

YEAH GOD OKAY LET’S TALK ABOUT THE MILL. LET’S TALK ABOUT UHHHHHHHHH [THROWS DARTBOARD]

this line. this MIGHT go on for a while so i will............  readmore

so the mill feels kind of notably different to the rest of the pafl songs, which tend to be unusually literal for lyric, either straightforward retellings of events (punch it, punk!) or character piece monologues set to plot visuals (strike 3) or both (all of them, but for instance particularly comfort zone, which is just dmitry’s horrible manifesto until it gets hijacked by a death sentence in the second verse.) the mill is a lot more like what we expect from poetry these days, which is to say it’s heavy on imagery, low on clarity, and fucking confusing!

I’ll draw a circle in the sand, drive myself around the bend in a desperate attempt to hold on to your battered hand Rocked to sleep beneath the snow, she is bathed in youthful glow ‘Strong enough to let it go,’ he says, but darling, I don’t know

a lot of the mill is about circles. this is in the name: a mill is something which turns. a waterwheel is a circle, a grindstone is a circle. it’s even in the melody: the chorus is a cyclic, pentatonic four-note riff that keeps going up and down and up its own ladder, chasing its own tail, not really reaching resolution. and then it’s also in, you know, the story:

the meat grinder!!!! everyone’s favorite fucking hellhole!!!! it is only semi-explicitly identified in the song but that’s because it’s a concept from the source material - both tarkovsky’s stalker and roadside picnic feature the meat-grinder, as a location nicknamed thus by stalkers because it is even more fucking deadly than the rest of the zone, all of which is already ridiculously fucking deadly, and if you’ve seen the movie:

it is more or less instantly recognizable in the mill as well. so here we have a circle! here we have a mill (the title has about seventy double meanings but this is certainly one of them,) and as it turns out, this mill at least will absolutely kill you. and horribly too. interestingly though, in roadside picnic (the book) the meat-grinder is not a tunnel, and it’s not round - it’s just a nondescript patch of ground which will wring you out like a dishcloth and kill you extremely dead if you walk into it. on the other hand what we have in the book in terms of circles is the golden ball, which is the equivalent of the movie’s the room, which is, well,

in short both stories ultimately hinge upon the idea that there is a something in the zone which can give you your heart’s desire. anything you want. everything you want. whatever you want. it is infinitely powerful; it is infinitely capable. the catch is that it will only give you what you want. the catch is that giving you what you want is not the same as giving you what you are asking for. the other catch is that in both cases you have to get through the meat-grinder first.

(so, by the way, what the fuck, right? does pafl’s zone have a wish-granting factory? is it also behind the grinder? where were the original trio going when they got themselves fucked up? and did they get there?)

but the point is: the golden ball, the wish-granting factory, is also a circle. it’s just sort of a sphere. it’s a big round fuckin yellow thing. you know, sorta like:

which is THE ONLY TIME yellow is used in occam’s razor not counting the full-colour shots, and it drives me CRAZY, but it is also me going full conspiracy board so let’s not even worry about it. THE POINT IS.

the circle is the death-machine and the wish-machine. neither of these things are really.... very good. the circle, or at least the arc, is also very closely associated with death:

(розовая дуга предрассветного, ‘rose arc of pre-dawn’. if i’ve fucked up that nominative please feel free to stone me to death!) 

in the gdoc notes to message lost ferry briefly refers to the dawn as if it were a good thing, the dawn of hope, which is a usage that sort of agrees with the desolate and deathless hope of strike 3′s ‘everything will pass / a day will come,’ but on the other hand it really is very closely associated with dying. nikolai bites it; nikita bites it; sergei and olga left significant chunks of themselves behind. and the thing about ‘this too shall pass’ is that it’s always true, as is ‘everything ends’, but of course that’s ‘cause the thing that ends might be you. and as we know

dawn is an ending. so that seems concerning!

i think the circle, the arc, the bolt falling back to the ground, is not a good thing. i am getting a little conspiracy board here in general but forgive me, i cannot make you a wholesome answer, my wit’s diseased. i think the circle is an enclosed space. it’s an unbroken cycle. it’s the grindstone. it’s the mill. it’s about what pafl’s always been about: about being trapped, about having no chances, about being bordered upon. the circle’s the geometric figure of equidistance from a given point, and you can walk on it forever, and nothing will ever change; you will never get closer, you will never get further away, you will never get out! the sun rises, the sun sets, and you are no closer to anything you wanted. it’s worth noting that anya’s borderline city, the zone-edge port town she complains is trying to crush all her dreams, her mill

is a circle. (a cog in a machine! a grind-wheel! a cage!)

and yura, whose dreams have already been burned out of him, who starts the series already resigned to never getting out of here, calls it ‘this dire deja-vu’, i am specifically resisting putting the accent marks back onto that, which is to say, it’s a repetition that haunts him. it’s going round and round and getting nowhere.

so if we bring it back around: drawing a line in the sand, as the phrase is generally used, means setting a border, means saying this far and no further. often it’s yourself you’re setting the border for. you hit some divide you can’t abide crossing so you say this stops here, it may be too early or too late, but i say it stops here. so logically: drawing a circle in the sand means you’ve locked yourself in completely.

I’ll draw a circle in the sand, drive myself around the bend in a desperate attempt to hold your battered hand

the whole first half of this song, i think, is olga promising to grind herself down in a hundred ways if it means she won’t be left alone. how hard can it be to never let it overflow? she may feel lower than the low, she may wish she could just disappear out here, into the postindustrial rust, but though it gets harder all the time she will keep pretending. she isn’t going to burden sergei, or indeed anyone, with her problems, her fears, her scars. she is hurt, but she’s used to it, she’s gotten used to being haunted long ago. she keeps her bad eye covered. she stays within her circle she has drawn. she keeps going round and round. she will take the smallest sliver of human connection and be happy, she promises she will be happy, she promises she won’t ask for more, she will take just the ‘hello.’

but you knooooow it’s not true. you know it’s grinding her down, that she’ll be milled to nothing pretty soon, and really she knows it too.

i am perhaps seventy percent sure that this line is a reference to the windmills of your mind by michel legrande, which features such lines as

Like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of its own Down a hollow to a cavern where the sun has never shone Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind

which on one hand seems sort of obscure to be a purposeful reference but on the other hand would be a hell of a coincidence if it wasn’t, wouldn’t it. either way it characterizes circles ambiguously, but definitely unsettlingly. going around in circles is chasing infinity, but what in god’s name would you do with it if you caught it? what are you even hoping to accomplish? and: 

the second half of this song is bitterer, sharper - staring down the mouth of the meat-grinder she’s a little more willing to admit to herself that this is going nowhere. she is running out of cages to keep herself in. she is very tired. it’s easy to say why don’t you leave it all behind, it’s easy to say, she’s strong enough to let it go, it’s easy to say, too strong to die. it is a lot harder to actually live.

this is also where the flashbacks admit to us how badly hurt they really were - sergei with his whole side in shreds, she still hides her eye but at least we get to see it’s bleeding. this moral compass is forever misaligned, she says, so there is damage, and it is lasting. and she can’t settle for hello, she can’t live like this, she needs someone by her side. the trouble is whether she can believe she has any hope of getting that

as for who ‘her’ is, or the ‘she’ of ‘she is bathed in youthful glow’, i figure there’s two possibilities: either it’s nadya, who haunts olga too, because nikita’s abandonment of nadya represents exactly what she most fears for herself, or it’s olga’s younger, unbroken, binocular self - both of whom were so young, and so easily hurt, and are now unfindable.

and then there’s this conclusion: ‘the sun will rise, until then / i’ll be waiting for you on the other side.’ which maybe is a sort of hope after all? she’s reached no real conclusions in the zone - she knows there must be hope but she can only barely believe in it - she thinks she is destined to self-destruct. but on the other hand she still has that, a version of sergei’s own ‘a day will come’

you may be hurt, but if you can hold yourself together, you can hope for a dawn someday. an ending. a change. but the trouble’s that there’s more than one kind of ending. and there’s more than one meaning for other side. there are cages, and then there are cages. and you know what else looks like a tunnel, a circle?

staring down the barrel of the gun.

[juniorgman187]

The Boy Next Door (Spencer Reid Imagine)

gif credits @toyboxboy​ Summary: The boy next door falls in love with the girl next door. Need I say more? Category: Fluff, Angst Couple: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid  Content Warning: Death, unrequited love, heartbreak Word Count: 10.4k A/N: POV switches from Spencer to Reader indicated by “᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

Ground coffee, dates, and greek yogurt, all neatly encased in a brown paper bag. 

Those were the things I was holding the day I first met you.

(You should know that I wouldn’t tamper with any of the moments that I’ve been so fortunate to have with you - I’ve watched enough “Dr. Who” to know that tampering with the past, even changing the smallest thing, could drastically affect the future). But if I could, I would probably change the precarious position you found me in that day. 

When you exited your apartment, I had my knee hiked up embarrassingly high to support the weight of my groceries from underneath, leaving me to balance on one leg while the bag wobbled on my thigh as I ransacked my pocket for my keys. By the time you came out, I had been like this for the past few minutes, and if the task wasn’t already harder than it should’ve been to accomplish, you didn’t make it any better.

You walked out of the door in that wispy skirt and a denim jacket that swallowed your torso whole; your unwieldy boots clunked against the wood floors of our hallway. You even didn’t bother locking your door behind you after leaving - that’s how trusting you were. While I must admit, I found the action, or lack thereof, to be quite naive, it was endearing, too. 

I, for one, am a firm believer that actions are indicative of character and from what I gathered: you trust easily, and at times, in a misguided manner.

After several seconds of being in your gravity, I figured you earnestly hadn’t seen me, given the fact that not once had you looked up from your phone to acknowledge my presence. Not to mention, your headphones were buried in your ears, blocking out any noise I could’ve been making with my unsteady stance or seemingly unfindable keys that would’ve, otherwise, made you known of my existence. Your music was so loud I could hear it from where I stood, clear as day. 

Still don’t know how you haven’t gone deaf yet, (y/n). One of life’s greatest mysteries, I suppose. 

It would be a gross understatement to claim that I couldn’t take my eyes off you. It was more than that. I felt entranced by you, like I was under your spell. Your perfume was poison, wafting through the hallway as you walked past me to descend the flight of stairs. I was in raptures from the way your wired earbuds got tangled with your hair. Normally, I couldn’t bear the thought of sharing headphones with someone, but I’d do it in a heartbeat with you. 

I’d do a lot of things with you, actually.

I had to stop myself from trailing your movements when you reached a space in the hall directly behind me, and even then, my actions only ceased because my head couldn’t physically turn that far to watch you. 

It was then that I recalled owls and how they’ve evolved into creatures that can turn their head a complete 180 degrees. Of course, that’s a trait meant for survival, merely an adaptation that allows them to detect danger or predators, but I wasn’t watching a predator, and I suppose that’s precisely why I wasn’t given the ability to turn my head so far. Because it was you I was watching - the girl next door (literally and figuratively) - nothing remotely close to a threat. I’d never been jealous of owls before, but in that moment, I wished nothing more than to be one just so I could get another look at you. 

I forced myself to resume my unfinished task out of fear that you might finally notice me and become alarmed by my prolonged staring. Once more, I was sorting through the pocket of my pants for the key to unlock my door. Behind me, your foot was about to land on the next step of the stairwell, but instead, it quickly retreated at the sound of my groceries hitting the floor.

If there was ever a doubt in your head that you caused the collapse of my paper bag’s contents, there shouldn’t be.

It was you. It was all you.

I was too distracted by your poisonous scent and chunky boots to even notice my groceries struggling to balance on the precipice.

When I ascertained the mess I had made - the mess I knew you could hear even through your cacophonous music - I wanted nothing more than to find my keys and disappear into my apartment to mask the immediate shame I was feeling. My mind spun into a panic, my body incapacitated from the shock, and the first thing I could think to do was abandon my spilled groceries in the hall so you might not see me before I fled, but you were too quick. Your heart of gold made it impossible for that to be achieved.

“Oh my goodness, here! Let me help you.”

You knelt to the ground before I could even register your sudden presence and the lack of distance between us, let alone comprehend that your warm voice was speaking words meant for me.

“You don’t have to do that. I’ve got it.”

If you thought I was pushing you away, you should know that those weren’t my intentions. I was only emphasizing my ability to do it alone so that you might leave me to my devices - a state of conditions where I could actually think. With you so close, I simply couldn’t do that. Even now, it’s still an uphill battle to talk to you with a clear head.

“No, please. I insist. I’ve got plenty of time.” You assured me, tucking back strands of your hair that got in the way of your sight. I wondered then what it’d be like to do that to you myself. The vision ended there. 

“A Teenager In Love” by Dion and the Belmonts cut into my thoughts. That’s the song that was playing on your headphones. And that’s exactly what I felt like.

A teenager in love.

It was also the song you paused to give your undivided attention to me.

“I’m (y/n), by the way. I live right next door. 3B.” You informed me, as if I hadn’t just come to that same conclusion when I observed you walk out of that door only moments ago. You extended your hand into the air between us for a handshake. I wasted no time returning it.

“Spencer.”

You batted your eyelashes and looked up at me with those unassuming doe eyes. 

God, were you doing that on purpose? Were you trying to kill me?

When our hands interlocked, I couldn’t help but notice how yours fit so perfectly in mine, like it was made-to-measure. It led me to the belief that my hands were specifically fashioned for the particular use of holding yours. The shake lingered for a second longer than necessary, and I saw it in the way your eyes flickered down to where our bodies met, wondering why it was taking me so long to pull away.

“It’s nice to meet you, Spencer.” 

I’ve never liked my name so much until I heard it on your tongue. It made me forget all about the mess and the shame and the fear of disturbing you. That is until I saw you sliding the last of my groceries back into the paper bag.

“I’ll see you later then?”

You had stood up before I could ask you not to go, wiping your knees of any dust they might’ve collected on the floor where you knelt in front of me.

“Yeah. I’ll see you later.” I dumbly answered back, watching you descend the stairs from a distance once more.

“Have a nice night, Spencer!” I heard you say before you disappeared below the ground that I stood on. You already had your headphones back in and were long gone before I could return the sentiment. I did want you to have a nice night, though. Even if I didn’t say it in time. 

Then again, I guess there was a lot I didn’t say in time - right, (y/n)?

Two days went by before I saw you again. 

You weren’t alone.

I was reading when I heard the sound of footsteps outside my door, unintentionally giving me full liberty to hear the conversation partaking as well.

“What’s his name?” Your friend asked you.

Originally, I was adamant about not purposefully eavesdropping - no matter how tempting it was or how amply I could hear. You deserved better than that ...  but how could I help myself when I heard you answer your friend, “Spencer.”

It was the sound of my own moniker that lured me to the door, where I pressed my ear against it.

“Is he cute?”

“Very.” You gushed to her, my own heart swelling two sizes too big for my poor chest to contain.

“Do you want to fuck him?” Your friend giggled. You hesitated to speak. “Oh my god, have you already fucked?”

“No!” You defensively screeched.

“But you’ve thought about it!”

“Will you lower your voice? He lives right there! What if he hears you?”

I peeked through the peephole to spy on this encounter, brainlessly ducking down when I saw you eyeing my door curiously. After I finally slowed down the cadence of my heart, the realization dawned on me that you couldn’t possibly have been able to see me from the outside view of my peephole, but it still felt like you had; your eyes pierced through my soul, bewitching my body and soul.

Luckily for you - unluckily for me, I suppose - you and your friend vanished into your apartment before I could hear the rest of that conversation. I didn’t need to, though. What I heard was enough to keep me up all night. Had I heard anything more, I’m not sure how many more hours of sleep I would’ve lost just thinking about you. 

Hours I could’ve spent reading. Hours I could’ve spent writing. Hours I could’ve spent, but time that I would never take back. Not for anything in the world.

Our next interaction took place the following week. 

It was 5 a.m and Hotch had called us all in early, so I was already out the door before the sun was up, but evidently, not before you were up. Because when I left my apartment, there you were, lingering in the doorway, leaning against - what I had to assume was - your very much unlocked front door. 

“Oh!” You flinched and gasped, while ripping the headphones out of your ears. “You scared me, Spencer.”

“Good morning to you, too, (y/n).” I quipped, puckering my lips slightly to reduce the immense size of my zealous smile before grinning back at you again, this time with a much smaller smile - one much less discouraging. 

You were exactly what I needed to see to make my morning better, and your hair in a ponytail and your black leggings only made the view that much sweeter.

“What are you doing up so early?” You had asked me inquisitively.

“I got called into work.”

“Oh.” 

You sounded so disappointed, and I couldn’t help but feel that I’d just let you down. The pout of your lips and deflation of your shoulders only solidified that.

It was then where I should’ve left you alone and gone to work, which I was already considerably late for, but I couldn’t help myself. I would’ve worried about you all day if I hadn’t asked, “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” You tried to wave me away down the staircase, but I knew better than to leave. You understood my maintained foothold as a silent communication that I wouldn’t walk away unless you told me what was bothering you so you reluctantly gave in.

“Well, honestly, I’ve been standing out here since like 4:30, trying to convince myself to go on a run, but ... I’m actually kind of scared to. I just, I don’t know if I feel safe running alone in the dark.” 

You never met my eyes, they were only fixated on the earbud cord you were rolling between your fingers to make brief circles in the air. 

“You know what?”

From those words alone, you perked back up. 

“I’m already late, so I can ... I’ll run with you. If you want.”

In seven little words, I managed to gain all your trust. That’s all it took for you to never be ashamed of your feelings in front of me. You trusted me to always respond to your vulnerability like this, and I knew then, what the weight of having your trust felt like. I could never wish to break it.

Your joy was so uncontainable to the point where you were emboldened enough to show me your appreciation through a hug so big that I couldn’t understand how your petite body was capable of supporting something of its size. You wrapped your arms around my neck, pulling me down to your height despite already balancing on the tips of your toes. I had to remind myself not to indulge in your embrace too much, otherwise I might never have let you go.

Your hair smelled like a certain flower my mother used to put in a vase on our dining table. It’s the same flower that she grows in the garden of her assisted living home at present. It’s such a distinct scent - magnolias - I’ll never forget. But now whenever I pass those beloved magnolias during my visitations, the flowers from my childhood dining room won’t be what I associate it with anymore. 

You’ll be what I think of.

I was met with the cruel reminder of what I’d agreed to when you left my arms. There’s not much I dislike in this world as much as exercise, but for you - I’d run to the ends of the earth. I mean that.

“You’re my hero!” You exclaimed when we reached our apartments again after that treacherous run, which felt more like a marathon and a half to me.

I would’ve said something back, but I was still trying to catch my breath, even folding over my bent knees to stop myself from panting so hard. For a moment there, I was sincerely upset that you weren’t nearly as breathless as I was. Were you just that perfect in every conceivable way? Not even a semblance of windedness from the miles and miles we just ran? 

How unfair. Have pity on my poor soul.

“I had so much fun. We should do that again sometime.” You added.

Again, I would’ve responded to your exclamation, but I was still very much out of breath. You didn’t seem to mind, though. You even offered me a sip of your water. I politely declined, which I meant as no insult. I only refused because I would not have been able to handle the effects of tasting you on it.

Thankfully, I’d caught my breath before the next time we encountered each other. This time I could actually speak. 

It was two in the morning and I’d just come home from an exhausting case, feeling more ready to sink into the depths of my bed than ever. Almost the entire way up the stairs, I was lethargically dragging my feet up each step to get to my apartment ... until I saw you. 

“Hey, it’s you! 2B.” 

Like a siren singing to a ship of sailors, your voice called out to me from the top stair, shocking me when I came around the corner - a most welcome surprise. 

“Hey.” I cooed back softly.

Despite my mind firing impulses to run to you, my feet weren’t listening. I was stopped in my tracks by the mere sight of you.

It wasn’t lost on me that the bags under my eyes were probably heavier and darker than they ever had been before, and that my hair was in complete shambles from where I’d run my fingers through them in distress one too many times, and that my loosened tie that hung from the collar of my skirt looked disheveled, but you? You were still a radiant view to behold, even at 2 a.m. especially at 2 a.m. The sight of you shocked my onerous heart like a defibrillator on bare skin, reigniting my entire being. 

I could finally breathe again. 

My posture straightened, my head raised, and my smile returned. You looked just as excited to see me as I was to see you and it was such a warm feeling.

“So where have you been at this hour, young man? Your girlfriend’s?” 

I should’ve noticed then the way you slurred your words together, but I think I was blinded by the bliss of being able to see right through you for the first time. 

I could see that you were compensating. You wanted to look happy for me in the event that I did have a girlfriend, but underneath, you were morbidly curious, desperately hoping that I didn’t. For you, I chose the more merciful option - giving into your clandestine concern so as not to torture you any longer with the fear that I was in a relationship.

“I -” My own mirthless chuckle cut into my sentence. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

And I saw it - I saw the look of relief on your face.

“I was at work,” I honestly told you, my feet resuming their climb up the stairs. “So, why are you still up?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

By the time you answered, I’d reached the top step where you were perched, wearing that big flannel. It devoured your figure, the collar of the shirt hanging off your shoulders, the cuffs of the sleeves stretching way past your hands, the hem of the shirt falling at your thighs. That’s all you were wearing for pajamas, just a big shirt, not even shoes or socks to cover your feet from the shiny Merbau floors. It took all of me not to fasten one more of the flannel’s buttons to protect your modesty, but really, who was I protecting you from? Guys just as perverse and impure as me? 

My jaw tensed as a reminder to myself not to wonder about what was underneath the flannel, or what wasn’t. 

You shifted from the middle of the stair to the side, making room for me to sit beside you. Our proximity enabled me to notice your usual scent of magnolias was replaced with something much less agreeable - a scent that didn’t suit you.

Liquor.

At the exact moment I looked down at your face to locate the signs of intoxication, you’d taken it upon yourself to rest your head on my shoulder, blocking my view. I knew it wasn’t your intention to hide your face from me, but it was hard to believe that you were doing this just to get closer to me. Was it the alcohol that stole your inhibitions and unearthed the confidence to touch me further? Was this what you had wanted to do all this time but couldn’t without liquid courage? And I wonder, even with a calmer disposition created by liquor, were you still feeling first time nerves? Or were you the luckier of the two of us, fortunately avoiding the agony of a racing heart?

“So what’s keeping you up?” My voice croaked, trying to maintain a nonchalant attitude to your otherwise intimidating actions.

“This stupid guy.”

At first, I was sure that you were talking about someone else, and I prepared my weary heart to listen to you pour your soul out about ‘this stupid guy’ to me, but then I got smarter and recalled the conversation that took place not too long ago, the one that kept me up all night.

Was I the ‘stupid guy?’

“Tell me about him.”

“He’s ... he’s so tall.” You had laughed. “And he’s got this great smile. He’s super nice, too. But he’s the kind of guy that you can’t really figure out, but you want to, you know what I mean?”

I trained my eyes to stay forward and not look at you so that your resting head might not be disturbed by the action, but I wanted to look at you. I wanted to see those micro-expressions and read your face. I needed to know if you were talking about me.

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“If he were any other guy, I’d be upfront with him, but this guy ... he’s different. He scares me, and his rejection scares me even more,” You went quiet for longer than a second and this time I actually did have to move my head to check on you in case you’d suddenly passed out. But when I went to look down at you, I was met with the shocking view of those batted eyelashes and big doe eyes again.

“What do you think I should do, 2B?”

I knew it. Those eyes can’t lie to me.

You were talking about me.

“I think you should tell him how you feel. You might be surprised.”

“Yeah …” Your voice faded out when you replaced your head on my shoulder. “Maybe.”

“He might feel the same way.” I whispered.

“You think so?”

“I do.”

“How do you know?”

It took me a moment to gather the right answer, but even with as extensive a vocabulary as I was equipped with, every single word in it was failing me. Though ultimately unsatisfactory, the only thing I could manage to say that was honest and quaint was, “He’d be crazy if he didn’t.”

The air was still. Not a word from either of us. Not even a peep, until the sounds of your snores revealed the true cause of the silence - you’d fallen asleep, and most likely before I had found it in me to confess my feelings. I smiled still, though. At least you’d finally gone to sleep.

Without another thought, I slid my hand under your knees with the other hand at the small of your back to lift you off the stairwell and carry you back to your apartment. And no surprise to me when all I had to do was press my arm against the door to open it.

You never do lock that thing, do you?

As I entered your apartment, I did my best not to gape at the surroundings, for it felt like an invasion of privacy without your verbal consent willingly granting me the permission to do so. I quickly located the bedroom using only the profound knowledge of my own apartment’s configuration that, for obvious reasons, identically matched yours. I made sure to sit you upright against your pillows in the event that you choked on your vomit, but I held high hopes that you weren’t so inebriated as to have that come into fruition.

When it came time to leave you, I had to slip my hands out from under your body. I attempted to perform this action with the utmost caution, but I think the coarseness of my hands gliding against your velvet skin made it impossible not to feel. You shivered at my touch, waking ever so slightly. 

“Spencer?” You asked in your sleep. 

“Shh, it’s okay. Go back to sleep.” I spoke softly, stroking your hair so it might soothe you back to sleep. This alone felt like a pure moment, but it was much sweeter when your small hand wrapped around my wrist while you placed your other one on top of mine. You leaned your face into my palm and gently shut your eyes, trying to maximize your ability to feel my touch. I even saw a smile come upon your face. 

“Will you stay with me?” You whispered against my skin. 

I couldn’t say no, sweet girl. 

I stayed with you for two hours while you slept. I wanted to ensure that you were safe, but I knew that I shouldn’t stay the night. Not because I couldn’t trust myself, but because I was worried that you wouldn’t remember asking me to stay the night before. Honestly, I preferred that you woke up with no recollection of that night. Because while watching you sleep to fulfill your request, I was also experiencing the deepest regret of my life.

If I told you how I felt a second sooner, maybe you would’ve heard me and that night would’ve ended very differently.

I suppose that was our ‘missed chance #1.’

To be quite honest, that night did discourage me, and I made a conscious effort to avoid you in days to follow. I wish I could rationalize my behavior here, but I doubt that any explanation will suffice so I’ll settle for the truth.

I thought avoiding you would make the regret go away, and I hoped my feelings would leave with it. But if anything, the longing I felt to see you again, the urge for fate bring us back together, only made my infatuation greater.

As luck would have it, not even my most extravagant attempts to avoid you would work.

I had heard it from the first floor where I was getting my mail, a strangely familiar sound - the sound of knocking. It was growing more and more desperate with each step I took up the stairs and once I finally reached the top, I found the cause of this noise at last. It was you - knocking at my door.

“(Y/n)?”

You turned over your shoulder; your furrowed brows and disgruntled appearance faded at the sight of me.

“2B! I was wondering where you were. Where have you been? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

It had only been 9 days, (y/n), but yes, I suppose it did feel like forever.

I responded with an answer I always seemed to give you, an answer you seemed to already anticipate. 

“Work.”

“Mmm, it always is work, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah …” I sheepishly agreed, looking down to avoid your scrutinizing gaze. It was easier to let you believe work is what kept me away from you, and not the insatiable craving to be with you, but I could feel you sensing my lie.

“Well, I hope you’re not busy on December 21st.”

“What’s December 21st?”

“My going away party.”

My stomach dropped; my heart stopped, and I think I could actually feel the lump in my throat solidify into a pit.

“Going away party?”

“Yeah, I’m going home for the holidays, back to Oregon so I can visit my dad for a while and um …” 

I saw the same look on your face that I saw all those days ago when you admitted you didn’t feel safe running alone. The fearful one, where you knew you had to gather the courage to be vulnerable. When you looked back up at me, I wish I would’ve seen those doe eyes, but no. Your eyes were bloodshot and filled with tears. 

“I think, I think it might be his last Christmas, so I, I got an open-ended ticket just so I can -”

I didn’t want you to explain any more to me if you couldn’t bear it. “Of course. That makes perfect sense.” 

“I’m not really sure when I’m coming back, so I wanted to have a little get together with my friends before I leave. And I was really hoping you’d be able to come. If you’re not busy with work, of course.”

How could I say no?

“I’ll be there.”

You sighed in relief and smiled at me in thanks. “Perfect. Thank you.”

You turned on your heels and vanished into your unlocked apartment before I could offer a hug, but I think even if I did have the chance, it wouldn’t have been enough to heal the hurt that penetrated deep within your soul. That was a pain, I couldn’t fix - no one could.

December 21st came faster than I imagined, and in no time at all, I was standing outside your unlocked door, trying to gather the confidence to enter.

I wore my best suit and tie specifically to impress you, but even if I was decorated with the finest silks, I still wouldn’t have looked as golden as you. Your neck, ears, and fingers were embellished with gold jewelry that sparkled ever so slightly under the pale yellow light of your apartment. You had styled your hair differently than I’d ever seen it, and I felt like I was seeing you for the first time all over again.

“You look …” Heavenly. Dazzling. Magnificent. “Breathtaking.”

“You’re not too bad yourself, 2B.” You drew closer, filling my senses with your poisonous perfume. 

“I especially like this tie.”

God help me when you walked your fingers up my tie. It took everything not to shudder at the sensation. I gulped to replenish my dry mouth while I stared into your eyes. Don’t ask me how I did it, but I found the willpower to break away from your hypnotizing gaze. 

“So,” I cleared my throat. “Where’s everyone else?” With these words, I walked away to catch my breath by your dining table, unintentionally abandoning you in the living room. In response, you sort of laughed, which made me concerned. 

“I actually asked you to come an hour earlier than everyone else.” To my quizzical brow, you answered, “I told my friends about you.”

You can imagine the butterflies in my stomach from the joy of you telling me that. “You did?”

“They had a bunch of questions for me, but I told them to save them for tonight since you were coming. I just thought we could have, like, a pre-party-run-through of what to say.”

“Got it.”

You were shocked at my willingness. “You don’t think I’m crazy?”

The only person that I think is crazy, is the person that doesn’t admire you as deeply as I do, (y/n). 

In no time at all, we were sitting on your couch, facing each other, while playing a speed round of 21 questions. 

Here, we discovered our shared hobby of reading, you unearthed my job as a profiler (not without asking a million questions about it after), and I came to the realization of just how hopelessly devoted to you I was after a three-word question.

“Future baby names?” You casually asked. To say that that one caught me off guard would be the understatement of the year. 

“Future baby names?” I repeated; my cheeks flushed while I felt you anxiously waiting for an answer. Your eyes were expectant and the large gulp I took was just a means to stall time until I finally whispered, “Harper.”

You were silent for a second and I felt the need to explain myself. “I don’t know why, probably because of Harper Lee, but I just like the name.”

The biggest grin crept its way onto your face. “Shut up.” 

“What?”

“Shut up because that name is literally on my list!” You squealed delightfully. 

Truthfully, ever since that faithful first day I met you, I deliberately refused to let myself imagine a future with you, but after December 21st - that’s all I could do. All thanks to your “baby names” question. Would you believe that the first time we ever truly hung out, you were reading off all your favorite baby names and giving me a thorough description of why you liked each one? That seems like only a thing we’d do - after all almost every experience we had together was unconventional to some degree. 

That one hour of private bonding came and went, and soon enough, I was surrounded by the closest people in your life. And somehow, your boundless love made me feel like I was part of that close circle, too - like I always had been. 

First to greet me was April, your roommate in college. I recognized her voice instantly, recalling it as the one I heard outside my door all those nights ago. I tried not to smile at the memory of her crude question, “Do you wanna fuck him?” 

Arriving only seconds after her was Marty, short for Martin, and he’s Drew’s boyfriend. Drew worked with you at the grocery store, which was your first real job during college. 

After Drew and Marty, came Jillian and Janelle, twin sisters you met in your “Introduction to Psychology” class, a class you thought you would end up hating, but you actually ended up loving. 

“So, Spencer, what’s up with you and (y/n)?” 

I knew the question was bound to come up, and it came as no surprise to me that April was the one to be asking it. After the conversation I overheard weeks ago, I came to the discovery that she is someone who is all but forthright. Given the fact that this was the singular opportunity to catch me alone, since I was practically attached at your hip the entire night, April wasted no time in jumping at the opportunity to back me into a corner at my most vulnerable.

“We’re just friends.” I said through a cheeky smile that surely gave me away. The lie stung my tongue as it passed through my teeth, and I knew it was impossible to have fooled her.

“(Y/n) would kill me if she knew I told you this, but I’ve known her since she was 17, and I have never seen her light up the way she did when she was talking about you. Sometimes I catch her just smiling out of nowhere, and I have to think that you’re the reason why.” 

At the moment, my expressions were a completely separate entity from my mind because I could not control the grin that crept onto my face and I had no control over the minimization of it either. No matter how hard I tried to reduce it, it was impossible.

“Ever since her dad got sick, she’s been a different girl. But tonight, I think I finally have my old friend back again ... Thank you.” 

April’s pursed lip smile, in any other exigence, could be seen as insincere or facetious, but here, I knew it was a smile of gratitude and thanks. As April left my gravity, you were simultaneously entering it with a sly grin on your face. 

“What were you two talking about?” 

“You.” 

“Me?” Your voice heightened in pitch as you pretended to be shocked. “What about me?”

“Just about how much we both really like you.” 

“Oh, is that so?” 

“Indeed, it is so.” 

You came closer, wrapping your arms around my waist to draw me in nearer. You had your head cocked all the way up to look at me with those once again, batted eyelashes and doe eyes. 

“Well, I really like you too, 2B. And so do all of my friends.” 

A genuine laugh escaped me as I pushed you away from me and nudged you backward so we could integrate with the rest of the party again. It was all a charade to get you to look away from my visible joy. In the back of my mind lied the thought about what April said about your dad and how different you became following his diagnosis, but I knew better than to bring that up here, right now.

Once we immersed ourselves back into the group, I found you being even touchier with me. You would lock your arm around mine, or lie your head on my shoulder. Even while we were sitting on the couch, you were practically on my lap. I don’t think you were intentionally being so coquettish, but if you were - it was pure evil. Especially, when you left my lap to answer a call in the other room. 

I deliberately tried not to stare into the room you wandered in so that I could look as present in the moment with your friends as possible, for it would’ve been rude both to ignore them and to invade your privacy, but I could see your body language even in the poorly lit space. 

Something was wrong. 

In a one minute and fifty-three second phone call, December 21st went from the best night of my life, to the worst night of yours. 

I saw the way you came back into the living room with your eyes blankly staring into space. You were a walking ghost, a shell of a woman. 

“That was Adriana, my dad’s nurse,” You told us, commandeering the entire room’s attention. And somehow, we all knew what was to follow. 

“My dad just died.”

᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃

“I’ll take care of her, I promise.” I heard Spencer whisper to April as he walked her out. 

I felt terrible for letting him walk out all the guests I invited, while I simply sat on my couch staring into the nothingness. I should’ve said goodbye to them, but I was paralyzed even when he came back into the living room.

“I know this is a dumb question, but - you okay?” I could see the way his eyes ran over my face to examine me. Were you profiling me, Doctor?

“It’s weird,” I admitted. “It hasn’t hit me, yet. That he’s dead.” 

Even as the word left my mouth, my brain still couldn’t register it. 

“That’s not weird at all. Statistically speaking, after the death of a loved one, 32% of people reported that they stayed in the first stage of grief the longest.”

I wasn’t familiar with what he was referring to, which was something I’d have to get used to considering I was talking to a provable genius after all. “What’s the first stage of grief?”

“Denial.” 

And that was true, I was in denial. Even hours before my flight home, I was still in stage one. I was packing the last of my things when Spencer called to make sure I had everything I needed. 

“Wallet?” 

“Check.” 

“Passport?” 

“Check.”

“Ticket?” 

“Check.”

“Door?”

“Door?” I repeated. “What do you mean door?”

“Have you locked your door?”

“I never lock my door.” I scoffed, partially recognizing my own naiveté. 

“Yeah, I know you don’t. But will you please lock it for me when you leave?” 

“Okay, okay, fine. I’ll lock it on my way out.” 

Following my own promise, I hauled my suitcase through my apartment and turned the doorknob to exit, but I quickly stopped when I saw Spencer standing right outside. 

“Spencer? What are you doing here? I thought you were at work.” Soon after my statement, I ended our phone call considering there was no need to be on the phone with Spencer since he was standing right there in front of me. 

“I, um, I needed you to lock your door after you left because I won’t be around to do it myself when you’re in Oregon.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m coming with you.”

All the anxiety and stress left my body at once and there was nothing for me to do but show him my deepest appreciation by engulfing him in a hug. 

“You’re coming with me?” I nearly cried. 

“I couldn’t let you do this alone. And April practically threatened that if I didn’t buy a ticket, she’d kill me.” 

I chuckled mirthlessly in recognition of April’s tendency to be harsh in pursuit of something she wanted. I was so pleased to hear she wanted him to be with me in Oregon as badly as I wanted him to come. Her approval meant the world to me, and to know that she brought us that much closer together, even under these circumstances, truly showed her support of us.

In the hug, my head was hanging over Spencer’s shoulder giving me the opportunity to see his hidden luggage that if I had noticed earlier, would’ve revealed this little surprise, but I was glad I was blind to it. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have felt the sweetest relief imaginable, it would’ve only been a combination of diluted relief and satisfaction of confirmed suspicion - a mixture not half so rewarding. 

“Thank you.” I whispered.

. . . 

There’s something about driving through your hometown after years and years of being gone. It’s like listening to a song you used to play over and over again, after not hearing it for a while. Both are like little time capsules that simultaneously preserve those memories while also transporting you to them. Whether that was a good or bad thing was still undetermined. 

“Home sweet home.” I sighed, the weight of everything coming down on me the minute I stepped foot in the doorway. 

I could actually smell the interior of the house and it brought back so many memories. I lived here for so long and never once could I smell a scent so distinct as this one, but now, with how long I’ve been gone - I could distinguish it, as if it were just another person’s house, and not my own from childhood. 

“(Y/n), is that you?” Adriana’s voice wavered as she ran towards me, embracing me with a warm hug. “I haven’t seen you in so long. Lemme look at you.” Adriana pulled back to stare at me in my entirety, and there was something about the look on her face. It was full of pride and sorrow - pride to see me in my full transformation into a woman but sorrow to be seeing me for these reasons. 

“Your dad would’ve been so proud to see the woman you’ve grown up to be.” 

Her teary eyes only brought on my own flood of tears. I hadn’t cried yet, but that was probably only because I was so distant from everything, but now, here in my childhood home, I was right in the middle of it. 

Adriana inhaled sharply after realizing how long our hug had lingered and the fact that she hadn’t yet greeted Spencer. “Oh forgive me for being so rude, I’m Adriana. I was (y/n)’s father’s nurse.”

“Spencer Reid.” He kindly greeted. “How are you, Adriana?” He asked her, a question I realized I should’ve asked myself. Somehow I’d forgotten that this couldn’t have been easier for her either. 

Walking through even just the front of the house was enough to overwhelm me with a plethora of memories. I was far too busy gaping at how much it hadn’t changed over the years to insert myself into Spencer and Adriana’s conversation.

“Well, right now, I’m just working on cleaning up the house. For when it goes on sale.” I heard Adriana tell Spencer.

I turned quickly over my shoulder in shock. “On sale?” 

“Your father figured you would sell this house. He left it for you, but he didn’t think you’d want it.” 

I should note that: here is where the seed was planted. The seed of doubt. 

Should I keep the house and move back to Oregon?

“Oh and before I forget,” Adriana tapped her pockets until she found what she was looking for. “He wanted me to give you this. He wrote it for you a couple days before he ...” She couldn’t even bring herself to say, ‘died’.

It was an envelope with what appeared to be a letter inside of it. I never knew my father to be a writer, so I opened it with such passionate fervor that I nearly gave myself a paper cut. Adriana and Spencer must’ve recognized my overwhelming eagerness to read it because they disappeared into the kitchen to give me the privacy to do so. 

To my dearest (y/n), 

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you I was getting worse. 

But what I’m not sorry about is not asking you to come home. I made a lotta mistakes when you were growing up, but I think the smartest thing I ever did was not ask you to come back home, because ever since I was diagnosed four years ago, you were ready to run home at the drop of a hat and rush back here in no time at all. That’s no way to live. You can’t just put your life on hold for my imminent death - and that’s certainly not what I want you to do when I actually am dead. 

I want you to live your life, (y/n). 

Never press pause. Keep going. 

Live a long and happy life ... for me, alright, kiddo?

Love,  your old man

All at once, I departed from the first stage of grief and straight into the second. 

Anger.

I hurled the note with as much force as I could, screaming at the top of my lungs with an earsplitting shrill. After seeing the letter fall onto the entryway table, I took my outer arm and swept every single thing on the table off of it out of anger that his letter didn’t go far enough. I could still read the words - I could still hear his voice. I watched in dignity as I let the decor, lamp, and picture frames fall where they may. The lamp landed on its side, clattering beside fallen decor and the picture frames’ glass split in two. I saw the remnants of the mess I created, and I was even angrier at myself. I only created more destruction for me to fix later. My face felt fiery hot and my skin was burning. I was fuming with rage when I finally looked into the mirror and saw the person I hated the most. 

Myself.

I was consumed by a deep loathing of the woman staring back at my in the reflection. 

How could she? How could she not visit dad until now? How could she let Adriana take care of him instead of taking care of him herself? How could she not check in every day? How could she spend years away from him?

How could she not know he was going to die? 

“I hate you!”

The anger took over my body and in one swift motion, my fist collided with the glass, shattering the dead center of the mirror. I cried out in immediate anguish as I felt my wrist go limp and a shooting pain going up and down my arm. Horror must’ve filled my eyes when I saw tiny shards of glass piercing my fist. I think I might’ve actually blacked out from the pain because all I could remember next was waking up in a hospital bed with my arm in a cast that extended all the way to my elbow. I blinked slowly to readjust to the glare, but thankfully, Spencer’s hovering face shielded my eyes from the bright florescent light.

“You know, for someone so small, you pack a pretty good punch,” Spencer chuckled mirthlessly. “You managed to dislocate your wrist, shatter a bone in your forearm, and fracture your elbow. Remind me to never get into a fist fight with you.” He kidded, making the joke just to see me smile, which it did, but he wouldn’t stop there. He had to actually see me laugh again. 

“Well, I think it’s safe to say you’re in the second stage of grief now, huh?” 

A soft giggle escaped me, and he knew his plan had worked. 

“But seriously, how are you feeling?” 

His question was accompanied with the delicate stroking of my hair out of my face, and I was transported to all those nights ago when I asked him to stay the night. I couldn’t remember much from that night either, but I could remember this feeling. The feeling of his touch. 

I felt so loved.

I shut my eyes in an effort to hide the tears that were glossing them, but that only made them stream down my cheeks. 

“Oh, (y/n),” Spencer frowned, replacing his stroking hand to the back of my head to bring my forehead closer to his lips where he would place a chaste kiss on it. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling right now, but I am going to be right there for you - through every single emotion.”

His warm words only made me sob harder. I didn’t deserve his good heart. 

“If I could take your pain away and experience it myself, I would. In a heartbeat.” 

Only his words I could trust wholeheartedly. 

I was discharged from the hospital several hours later, the loopiness I was experiencing from the anesthesia just barely wearing off, and I was forced to face the consequences of my previous actions in the form of a shower. 

Yes, you heard that correctly - a shower. 

“How do I even shower with a cast on?” I asked out loud to myself after turning the water on. My question was quickly followed with two knocks on the door and a, “Need any help in there?” from Spencer. 

There was a quick moment of contemplation which ultimately led to a bashful, “Yes, I do.”

My timidity fell away shortly after seeing Spencer fumble into the bathroom with his hand over his eyes. 

“I won’t look, I promise.” 

My laughter erupted in the room at the sheer amusement I got from his sinless actions. “I’m not naked! You don’t have to cover your eyes.” 

He made a gap between his middle and ring finger for his eyes to peek through just enough to register if I was really telling the truth and upon the discovery that I was, he removed his hand from his face. Afterwards, he left me with careful instructions to not wet my cast and carry on with the rest of my shower routine as normal. 

My shower, though mildly inconvenient because of my cast, was just like any other - ending in me shuffling from the bathroom to my bedroom with just a towel to cover me and collect the water from my sopping body. It was after I shut my bedroom door behind me I was met with yet another daunting task - putting on clothes. 

Unfortunately, my short temper didn’t bode well with my struggle to put pants on followed by my complete inability to find a shirt that had sleeves big enough to fit my cast through without excessively stretching the fabric. This resulted in the downright termination of the act after minutes of trying. I’d been rummaging through my luggage for minutes, but it wasn’t like I was planning to end up in a cast, so naturally - I didn’t bring clothes fit for such an occasion. And anything that was left in my closet were clothes that hadn’t fit me since high school. 

“(Y/n)?” I heard Spencer knock gently then saw him opening the door with painfully slow caution.

“Down here.”

His eyes followed as my words told him, and there he found me, lying on the floor with my towel still wrapped around my upper body.

“What are you doing down there?”

I should add that, along with his playfully spoken question, he got down on the floor to further lie on his back, too. It was a simple thing really, but it meant more to me than he knew. He wanted to join me as I rested on the carpet; he didn’t want to be standing above me, talking down to me. He saw me as his equal and he was going to lie with me on the floor, too - no hesitation whatsoever. He was more than content to follow along with my peculiar schemes, to humor my weirdness.

How many people in your life can you say that about? There’s not very many in mine who will go along with whatever I do or say just to make me happy, and for that, I thanked my lucky stars for giving me Spencer.

“I’ve been trying to put on a shirt, but none of them would fit around my cast and I just got frustrated and gave up.” I bluntly told him. 

“I can see that.” He jestingly noted, his eyes skimming over the mess in the room that I created trying to find a shirt that would fit. I could see the gears in his head turning for a solution to my problem. 

“What if I give you mine? Do you think it’ll fit?” 

He disappeared out of my bedroom and in less than a minute, he came back into the room with a worn Caltech shirt, and of course, it was a perfect fit. Almost made-to-measure.

After my content finding of a proper shirt, we resumed our position on the floor, lying side by side.

“I really like your room, by the way. I especially like your stars.” He pointed at my ceiling that was spotted with glow-in-the-dark stickers in the shape of stars and planets that I’d put up there as a child. 

I tried not to laugh as to not insult his admiration of them, but I couldn’t contain the slight giggle that left me from the amusement of his childlike wonder.

“Why?” I had to ask.

“I dunno, it’s just nice to look at. It’s kinda like we’re stargazing.”

“Hmm, I guess we kinda are.”

“Oh look!” He quickly motioned to a different sticker than the one he’d pointed to before. “There’s a shooting star! Make a wish.”

“Shut up!” I childishly giggled, reaching across my body to shove him with my good arm.

“Come on it’s a shooting star - you have to make a wish!”

In the same way that he humored my silly antics, I knew I had to indulge his. 

“Alright, I wish -”

“No, you have to close your eyes!” He insisted. “Your wish won’t come true unless you close your eyes.” To my furrowed brows and deadpan stare, he responded, “I don’t make the rules! You just have to!” 

I played along and shut my eyes all while inhaling deeply in preparation to make a wish. 

In that same breath, Spencer leaned over me, letting his face hang above mine for just a second to look at me. Even though I couldn’t look at him back, he didn’t mind.

“I wish . . .”

I parted my mouth to say something in addition, but my words were cut short when he placed his lips on mine.

The stars were aligning.

It was a shy kiss, just as I always dreamt it would be. He didn’t move his lips; he only puckered them against mine, and I could feel him begin to pull away. Before he could, I raised my head to follow his mouth, drawing him in closer with my one good hand on his cheek.

That was the only thing stopping him from kissing me harder before. He needed to know that I wanted it just as much as he did. And I did. I really did.

Now with more encouragement, he snaked his hand under my neck, supporting the back of my head, tangling his fingers in my still-damp hair. He cocked his head to the side, sharply inhaling so my own mouth would be forced to open, too, creating an entryway just big enough for his tongue to slip in.

I started seeing stars, and not the ones on my ceiling.

The moment was too quick and ended before I wanted it to, like all moments I had with him. He placed one small chaste kiss to give me solace, our lips clinging together briefly, bouncing back into place when ours faces were fully apart, making a small pop noise from the moist separation.

“Your hair smells like magnolias.” He drawled, seemingly in a daze when his eyes fluttered open.

It sent me into a fit of giggles - a sound he couldn’t resist. I noticed him eyeing me as I laughed and I tried not to let it get to my head, but God, if looks could kill. I wish I could see me the way he saw me. He looked at me like I was a galaxy full of stars, even if I felt like a dark abyss that would swallow him whole.

“I can’t believe it.” He dreamily whispered in awe.

“You can’t believe what?”

“When I first met you, I couldn’t get over how beautiful you were. And now, I’m smelling your shampoo while you’re wearing my clothes, kissing me under the stars?”

I’d never seen someone look so grateful. It was the purest vision.

I never did finish saying my wish, but if I had, it would’ve been to stay in this moment forever. But like all our moments together, this one, too, was gone in the blink of an eye. 

Soon enough, all this would just be a memory of the past. Another moment locked in time, never to occur again.

. . .

The week later we buried my father. 

I’d somehow skipped stage three and four - bargaining and depression - and was well on my way to stage five - acceptance. But it wasn’t really the acceptance of his death, more so the acceptance of what I had to do in the wake of it. 

I heeded my father’s words of not pressing pause on my life, but what I did next wasn’t really pressing pause, just rewinding a bit. 

I did say that whether coming to my hometown after years of not being here was a good thing or bad thing was still undetermined, and I think this was me realizing that it still is undetermined, and I wouldn’t be able to figure it out if I left. And really, I couldn’t leave. Not again. Not when Adriana needed me most to upkeep the house. Not after I’d purposefully bought an open-ended ticket to stay here for longer. 

I was meant to stay here, and consequently, I knew what that meant for me and Spencer.

We were on our way home from the funeral when Spencer parked the car in the driveway and shut it off. The rain was pelting the windshield as the window wipers robotically swept from side to side. We’d been listening to the sound of rain and automated windshield wipers for the entire duration of the time we sat there. He was waiting for me to say what he already knew. 

I wasn’t coming back to Virginia. 

The loud silence was broken with my words, “I’ve never felt this way for anyone before.” 

It almost seemed like he didn’t hear me because of the way he kept looking straightforward instead of at me, but I feel that it might’ve been so I wouldn’t see the tears in his eyes. 

“Spencer, I love you.” I honestly confessed, the simultaneous feeling of weight being lifted off my shoulders and a new weight being placed onto them coming over me. 

For the first time, he swiveled his head to the side, giving me full view of his crestfallen expression. I almost wish he hadn’t. 

“I love you, too.” His voice croaked. 

“But it wouldn’t be fair to start a relationship with you like this.”

“That’s what I was afraid you would say.” He whimpered. 

I needed to take care of Adriana, look after the house, and recover from my dad’s death, and it would be so easy to escape all that if I went back to Virginia. But if I honestly wanted to grow from this, I had to accept the responsibilities I had waiting for me here. Nothing needed me in Virginia - nothing but Spencer.

And if I knew him as well as I thought I did, he would understand that I couldn’t come back just yet. 

And he wouldn’t ask me to. 

᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃

It’s been five months now, and somewhere around month two I got the sneaking suspicion that you were lying when you said you loved me. Because why wouldn’t you fight for us if you really did? 

But you knew if you told me that a long-distance relationship was too much to handle on top of everything else you had going on, I would’ve offered to move to Oregon with you, but you didn’t want that. You didn’t want me to uproot my life for you, and you knew that’s exactly what I would’ve done. 

So after three more months of that thought brewing, I’ve come to the realization that you weren’t lying. No, you loved me too much. Too much to make me choose between you and my life in Virginia, but I’m telling you right now - if you asked me to, I’d choose you. Over and over and over again. 

I’d choose you. 

But that’s just it - you wouldn’t let me choose you, and you didn’t. That’s why you didn’t ask. I’m mad you never gave me the option, but I know that you only did that out of love. 

And I guess if that’s your way of saying “I love you,” then this letter is mine. 

I only wrote this instead of telling you it in person, because I think, for the first time, I want to trust the world as much as you trust the world. 

I want to have as much blind faith in something as you have in that unlocked door of yours. 

I want to trust that when you come back to Virginia and find this letter, whenever that may be, we’ll be different people, and that maybe then we’ll be better for each other. But until that time comes - until that faithful day when you return from Oregon, I will wait. 

I will wait, and I will not forget you - I promise that. 

It’s quite hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. 

At this time, you and I haven’t spoken a word to each other since the funeral, so I have virtually no idea what your current state of affairs are, but I should let you know that by this time next week, I will be living in a real house, which also means I am moving out of this apartment at the end of the week. I'm quite disoriented from this to say the least, but I’ve never been more ready or excited to start a new chapter of my life. 

As for us - this isn’t our last chapter. I know it. There’s more for us. 

I have faith. 

And if there’s one last thing I wanted you to know, it’s that:

You have given me a lifetime of happiness, 3B.

Sincerely yours, 2B

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

[milkmateartist]

HEAVENS Black Garden English Translation 【 Shion's Route Pt. 1 】

[ — I do not own Black Garden, HEAVENS, Utapri, or any of the characters. This is a fan translation using a combination of google translate and my own japanese knowledge — ]

// Translated by MilkmateArtist

-------------------------------------------------

▽ You

"There he is ..."

I didn't ask for his name, but I quickly realized it was Simon.

He was leaning against a big tree, sleeping comfortably.

▽ You

"Simon, please wake up."

It hurt me a bit to wake him up so soon, but I shook his shoulders lightly.

▽ Simon

"Hmm…��".

His eyes opened slowly.

▽ You

"It's nice to meet you."

▽ Simon

"A stranger ……! !! "

"The moment he recognized me he backed away looking at me with fear in his eyes.

▽ You

"I'm ( ___ ). I received a letter and came here."

▽ Simon

"You are ... a relative of the Lord."

▽ You

"I'm sorry I woke you up. Eric and I were looking for you, you see."

▽ Simon

"I see. I guess it took a while...."

Simon stood up and bowed.

▽ You

"What were you doing at the edge of the garden?"

Spending so much time with Eric, he must worried about me being in an unfindable place.

▽ Simon

"I was looking for a bird ... The blue bird cherished by the Lord has escaped. It's still young, so I'm worried..."

Simon's sad expression suggested he cherished the bird as well.

▽ Simon

"Looking for it exhausted me, so I thought I'd rest."

He must have searched pretty frantically if he had to rest like that.

I wondered what to do.

(A) Wait for its return in the garden

(B) Go back to the mansion for a bit

(C) Look for it together

(A) Wait for it's return in the garden

▽ You

"Let's wait for the little bird to come back to the garden."

I thought it would be better to be near the garden.

A small bird wouldn't have been able to fly that far.

▽ Simon

"Oh, that's a good idea. Would you wait there with me?"

▽ You

"Yes!"

We decided to sit under a tree and wait.

…………. ……………………. ……………………………….

Despite waiting a long time, there was no indication of the little bird's return..

▽ Simon

"It will be too late after dark so ... Let's go find it."

▽ You

"I agree."

I also obeyed Simon, who stood up anxiously.

(B) Go back to the mansion for a bit

▽ You

"Would you like to return to the mansion for a bit?"

He must have been looking for it before I came here. If he couldn't find it then, then it might be unlikely that we would find it now.

▽ You

"I'm sure it will be back soon."

That said, Simon's complexion changed.

▽ Simon

"You're sure……? Even though I'm not... If the Lord were to find out .."

There was a ghastly look on his now pale face.

▽ Simon

"Although, even if it is just a bird in this situation, for me it is irreplaceable."

▽ You

"I'm sorry. It doesn't mean that your intention ..".

▽ Simon

"It's fine. I'll search on my own."

Then he ran into the forest.

▽ You

"Please wait!"

I followed, but I lost sight of Simon. Not only that, I didn't even know how to get back.

I wandered aimlessly until completely all my strength was gone. My life was cut short in that forest.

BAD END

(C) Let's find it together

▽ You

"Let's find it together! Please let me help too."

Seeing Simons depressed expression, I couldn't help but say that.

▽ Simon

"...... Is that alright? That's encouraging. You're a kind one ( ___ ). "

Simon smiled happily.

▽ You

"Well, that's ... That's because you conveyed your feelings to me Simon."

▽ Simon

"I think I'll get along with you. Thank you for your warm consideration."

▽ You

"We'll definitely find it!"

We went back to the garden and looked for Eric, but there was no sight of him.

I wanted to report that Simon was found, but feeling the search for the little bird was the top priority, and we returned to the forest.

▽ You

"What kind of work do you do here in the mansion?"

I thought that having a conversation would make him feel better, so I tried asking a question I was curious about.

▽ Simon

"I take care of the animals that the Lord has brought back from all over the world."

▽ You

"That's pretty sweet. It's probably really hard though."

▽ Simon

"Yeah…… All of them are unique and adorable. If you treat them well they return the favor."

His shining eyes and passionate words conveyed his honest feelings.

▽ Simon

"It was in my care as well. That bird ... However, the door of the cage was broken."

▽ Simon

"I want to find it soon. I'm sure it's trembling from loneliness."

▽ You

"…… But we've come a long way."

A steep slope continued in front of me.

▽ Simon

"This is called Jigokuzaka ... It's that tough of a trail."

▽ You

"Jigokuzaka……. That sounds intense."

▽ Simon

"There is a hill with a good view at the end of the climb. I wonder if the bird would prefer such a high place.."

We looked at each other and made up our minds.

▽ Hugo

"What are you guys doing here?"

▽ You

"Hugo!"

Suddenly, he emerged from the bush behind him. He always seemed to be coming out of nowhere.

▽ Simon

"What a good time.. Will you take us to the top of this slope?"

▽ Hugo

"Oh, that's easy. Well, let's go."

▽ You

"Huh ...! ??"

Just like that, Simon and I were easily carried on both of Hugo's shoulders as he started running on the slope.

▽ You

"Aren't we heavy? I can walk on our own, so please let me down.. "

▽ Hugo

"No problem at all. This is far easier than my usual training."

I wondered what he usually did... I was curious about Hugo's daily life.

▽ Hugo

"More importantly, it would be bad if Simon collapsed. He doesn't have the strength."

We couldn't find the bird after we got to the top. After we were done searching, Hugo took us on his shoulders again and climbed down.

▽ Simon

"Thank you Hugo ... I'm grateful."

▽ Hugo

"Don`t worry. Well, I'm in the middle of patrolling, so I'm gonna head out."

Then Hugo disappeared into the bush again.

▽ Simon

"Next, let's look around the building. I had it in it's cage when we went on walks."

Relying on memory, we searched the area where it might return to.

▽ You

"……! !!"

Suddenly something glazed in front of me.

Looking at where the noise came from, I saw a sword stuck in the wall. Overwhelmed, I fell to my knees.

▽ Keith

"During training ... it slipped from ... my hand. I'm sorry. Are you hurt ...?"

Keith ran up to me while I was on the ground, reaching a hand out. .

▽ You

"I'm okay. A bit surprised but..."

It's scary to think that it would have hit me should the timing have not been a little off.

▽ Simon

"Keith is burdened by his role as guard... Training is necessary. Please forgive him."

▽ You

"Don't worry about it.. Nothing happened after all. More importantly, did you see a bluebird at all, Keith?"

I wanted information on any clues.

▽ Keith

"I have not ... You might find if you... get some bait ...from Eric ..."

▽ You

"That's a good idea!"

We went around the hall to find Eric.

▽ You

"There he is!"

Eric was looking for something in the wine cellar.

▽ Eric

"Ah……! Simon, you found me."

Seeming to be in a hurry, he put the vial he had in his hand in his pocket.

▽ Eric

"I was looking for wine to cook for dinner."

Although I felt something was wrong, the search for the small bird came first.

When we explained the situation, Eric gave us some bread crumbs.

▽ You

"We should definitely be able to find it with this."

▽ Simon

"I hope that will happen. Above all, it must be hungry. If we don't find it soon ..."

We headed out of the mansion again.

When we got out of the front door, we encountered Mika.

▽ Simon

"Mika, what good timing. Would you help me look for a bird?

▽ Mika

"Nope, as much as I would like to. I have to go to deliver letters from here on out."

▽ Simon

"If it's official orders then ... it can't be helped. That's a shame."

▽ Mika

"Jeez, are you really that depressed?!"

▽ Simon

"Your observation skills are keen and are very clever. Without your help I can't manage to motivate myself.

▽ Mika

"I guess that's so but ... That's it! Why don't you ask Virgil? I'm sure he's "free" at this time."

We found Virgil where Mika had told us he should be.

He was humming some song in a relaxed manner.

▽ You

"It's just as Mika said."

▽ Simon

"It seems so.. Virgil is skipping out while on duty."

▽ You

"Um ... I'm sorry to interrupt your break"

▽ Virgil

"Wha! What's that, are you implying I'm slacking off !??"

Surprised at our appearance, he jumped up, corrected his posture.

▽ Simon

"We're looking for a blue bird ..."

▽ Virgil

"That sounds grand! I'll help too! In exchange, can you keep what you saw before a secret?"

▽ Simon

"Okay, I won't tell the Lord. Then, do you have a plan?"

▽ Virgil

"It's darkest under the lamppost. The answer might be closer than we thought?"

Virgil looked outside the mansion while we decided to look inside the mansion.

▽ Simon

"It may have returned to the place it normally is."

With the idea in his head, Simon seemed to be walking with a purpose.

▽ Abel

"Where are you going in such a hurry?"

Abel called us and we stopped.

▽ You

"We're looking for a little bird that Simon is taking care of."

▽ Abel

"I see. I hope I can find it by dinner. You can't find it when it gets dark. "

▽ Simon

"…………."

To be honest, there was no guarantee that it would be found. Finding a bird that can fly around freely is a difficult task.

Perhaps he felt that, Simon closed his mouth.

▽ Abel

"Simon. ...... Believe, and give strength to your wish."

Abel grabs Simon's shoulder and speaks to inspire him.

▽ Abel

"Feelings surpass everything. Make the impossible possible!

The strong words touched our hearts like a spell.

We stopped in front of a room and opened the door.

Only an empty birdcage was there.

Let's give up already

I will do something

Be speechless

(A) Let's give up already

▽ You

"Let's give up already. It's impossible to find an escaped bird".

It's painful, but sometimes you have to face the reality.

▽ Simon

"No, that's not true……! There is no way I can give up"

His voice changed like he was a different person.

▽ Simon

"What do you know! This sadness, this pain ... "

My shoulders were strongly grasped and violently shaken.

▽ You

"Kya ……! !!"

I couldn't help but lose my balance to the momentum.

I hit my head hard on the desk holding the birdcage and fell to the floor.

A burning pain spread through my head. I couldn't even say a word, and it was pitch black in front of me.

I felt like I heard an eerie laugh in my consciousness.

BAD END

(B) I will do something

▽ ▽ You

I'll do something about it!

Before I noticed, the words had come out.. I didn't want to see Simon's sad face.

▽ Simon

"Really……?"

I didn't have a concrete solution, but if I didn't put my feelings forward then our hopes would be lost.

▽ You

"Yes……. I promise."

▽ Simon

"The power of Kotodama is strong. I wonder if your feelings will cause a miracle to happen."

When he spoke, he gently took my hand and smiled happily.

(C) (Be speechless)

▽ You

"…………."

I had no words.. I was overwhelmed by the hopeless reality.

▽ Simon

"It's only when you lose something that you realize its importance..."

Simon's sadness was immeasurable. The expression of despair was unbearable to see.

▽ You

"I will do whatever I can. So please ..."

I muttered, praying to heaven.

CONTINUE:

Time passed mercilessly, and the night fell.

Waiting for the morning to come, I vowed to search again and went to sleep.

----------------------------------------

Go to Black Garden English Translation Directory here for more routes.

[maxismatchccworld]

Patch Notes

Update 12/12/2019 PC: 1.59.73.1020 / Mac: 1.59.73.1220

Hello Simmers!

It’s been quite the year for The Sims 4! We blew past the game’s 5th anniversary with no signs of slowing down. One of the community’s most highly requested expansion packs just launched recently, and we hope you’re all enjoying getting educated in Discover University. In case you haven’t heard, we’ve also launched another community Stuff Pack project, where your collective votes will decide the path of yet another pack coming to The Sims 4. And of course, The Sims’ franchise 20th anniversary is just over the horizon, which we’re looking forward to celebrating with you.

Today’s update has been influenced by you as well... We set aside time to specifically address issues that you’ve let us know are important to your in-game experience, and we hope the long list of fixes and improvements you’ll find below will lead to many hours of fun playing The Sims 4. In addition, we’ve squeezed in a few un-planned extras we hope you’ll enjoy. Not only have we added some new music tracks to the game, but we’ve also converted a number of hairstyles to now also be available for children and toddlers. While the adult versions of these styles will remain exclusive to whichever pack they originally came from, we hope you’ll all enjoy these additional options for your Sim’s little ones.

While Maxis will soon be taking a short break to enjoy the holidays (merry Winterfest, and a Happy New Year!), we’ll be back for another packed year for The Sims 4 in 2020. See you then!

-SimGuruGraham, ft. SimGuruGnome

The Music

The following music has been added to the alternative station:

“Nicknames”

Performed by Dayglow

Written by Sloan Struble

Copyright Control

Recording courtesy of AWAL Digital Ltd.

“4am”

Performed by girl in red

Written by Marie Ulven

Copyright Control

Recording courtesy of AWAL Recordings

“prom dress”

Performed by mxmtoon

Produced by Robin Skinner & mxmtoon

Written by Maia M-T

Published by Songtrust Music Publishing

Recording courtesy of mxmtoon LLC under exclusive license to House Arrest/The Orchard

By Arrangement with Bank Robber Music

“Win You Over”

Performed by Whethan & Bearson feat. SOAK

Written by Ethan Snoreck, Jakob Bjørn Hansen, Birdie Monds-Watson, Anthony Whiting and Emily Phillips

Published by Whethan Publishing/These Are Pulse Songs (BMI) c/o Pulse Publishing Administration, Next Wave Music Publishing, Universal - PolyGram Int. Tunes, Inc. on behalf of Universal Music Publishing Ltd., Universal Music Corp. on behalf of itself and PW Arrangements, and Domino Publishing Company USA (ASCAP)

Whethan appears courtesy of Atlantic Recording Corp.

SOAK appears courtesy of Rough Trade Records

Recording courtesy of Ultra Records LLC

FIXES & UPDATES

The Sims 4

Fixed an issue where macOS Simmers could crash when accessing The Gallery.

Fixed an issue where Nice or High Quality harvestables would disappear from Sims’ inventories after Travel or Save/Load.

Fixed an issue where Freelancer Career tasks would not complete after Sims would Travel.

Sims that were seated at a 6 seat round table can now Clean up the dishes.

Child Sims will be now able to enjoy Quick Meals again!

Fixed an issue where Sims didn’t write a genre book when “Write Genre Book” was selected.

Multiple duplicate interactions should no longer appear in pie menus when you have certain objects in your inventory.

The Jet Set Luxury Bath (bathtubJetsGEN_01) was listed as being Unbreakable when that wasn't true.

Speaking of Unbreakable, we fixed an issue with Hot Tubs and Stereos where unbreakable upgrades would not work if these objects were in use when upgrading them.

Fixed an issue in which some Sims could stand on, or walk through solid objects.

Adding a Sim to an existing household via the Create a Sim Stories feature will no longer subtract Simoleons from the household.

You can now extinguish a fire, even if the fire is within another object.

Fixed an issue that would cause Error code 510:5bd7fa0b to occur when attempting to save.

Sims can now Scrap the unfinished paintings of visiting Sims.

Light intensity will no longer reset when setting Auto Lights options.

Fixed an issue which made the item Tiny Globe & Sycee of the Prosperous Moon appear twice in Build Mode.

Half Walls toppers can now be applied to half walls on all levels of your lot.

Fixed an issue that caused Lots downloaded from The Gallery to be placed backwards and not being able to rotate them to an appropriate view.

Households downloaded from The Gallery should now have their starting funds set to the correct amount, and not just the base 20,000 Simoleons.

Child Sims will no longer receive Whims related to workouts.

Fixed an issue that did not allow Nordic keyboards for macOS to use the Size Down Cheat.

Fixed an issue where Error code 102:70c7f9a6 would occur when loading into Lots after loading a saved game.

Walls no longer will disappear when Taking a Photo in a Basement level room that does not have a staircase.

Bookshelves will no longer have the option to purchase University books if you do not own Discover University.

Sims will no longer flicker on and off the landing pad, when in the Rocket Ship using the WooHoo or Try for Baby interactions.

Sims in the Supreme Villain career working on the mischief interaction task can now use the Slablet to Troll teh Forums to complete the task.

Addressed some UI issues in Create a Sim that occurred after modifying the scaling option in the Accessibility options.

Lots and rooms with modded paintings will now be flagged as Custom Content when uploading to The Gallery

Small rugs can no longer be placed over the cutouts created by stairs.

Using Ctrl + U to reset your UI Scaling while you have the UI Scaling window open, will now properly reset the scale bar.

Caterer Sims will now be able to make a Cake and complete their Party event goals.

We attempted to track down the lost harvestables that are currently lost, but found they were lost and unfindable. It’s findings like this that we find we are at a loss of words for, however any future loss should not be found.

Sadly, all the children who had thought they had found the magic loophole, stay seated at the table, are no longer…

...right… like any kid ever stays seated at the table.

Who doesn’t enjoy a good bowl of cereal?

Some example interactions that were reported: “Play Fetch”, ”Give Potion”, “Blackmail”, “Scan Here”. The LastException related to this issue should also be fixed.

It's now truly Unbreakable!

David was also supposed to be Unbreakable… but… spoilers… he broke.

Obviously there was an issue with the hot tub… water is the weakness.

Specifically Baby Bassinets… babies were becoming quite paranoid they weren’t actually Sims...

This could occur if a large object caught fire. You would have to wait until the fire spread outside the bounds of the large object in order to extinguish it.

“Your house is on fire?!”

“Yep… it’s under the bed. Gotta wait it out. But I’m ready.”

Topper… it’s a technical term that means the piece that goes on top of a half wall.

Ok, the issue summary said topper, I couldn’t remember what it was called, so I left it as topper.

Of course I have the game up and running. Yes I could go look…

Ah, you crazy supreme villains and your trolling ways. So eeeeevil.

Get To Work

Aliens should now appear as expected in the Photo thumbnails, and no longer display their disguised forms when they are not in disguise.

Aliens will now display accurate selected options for Eyebrows and Beards in Create A Sim.

Fixed an issue where Scientist Sims would record their findings in Notebooks twice.

We addressed an issue that could prevent Sims from not being able to ring up customers who attempt to purchase from the warming rack.

Some boots, along with the Sims feet, were disappearing when the camera was zoomed all the way out. This should no longer occur.

The "Refer for Surgical Treatment" interaction is now available on surgery tables that have had their color altered with the bb.enablefreebuild cheat.

There are better ways to take tidy and efficient notes.

City Living

There were a number of confusing situations that arose as a result of Invites your Sims would receive. In some cases these would appear as two invites for the same event, one that was the “hey, I just wanted you to know” invite, and the other would be the real invite. They should behave more accordingly to expectations.

Sims with the Shrewd reward trait weren’t as shrewd as they thought they were. We have restored their shrewd’ness and they should now actually receive the money they so rightfully shrewded away at the end of each week.

Fixed an issue in which some shirts in Create A Sim would not tuck in appropriately into skinny jeans.

We blame it on bad investments, the cd market apparently didn’t mean compact discs.

yfTop_EP03Mesh_OmbreBlue now looks as intended when paired with skinny jeans.

Seasons

Sims can now complete New Year resolutions on any lot, and not just their home lots.

The Lottery Holiday is back in your calendars! It should not be a surprise disappearing act any longer.

We spoke to the Holiday Gnomes and they have agreed to stop dropping seed packets if your Sims are not on Lot when the Holiday ends.

Fixed an issue where Weather would affect items inside buildings.

Flower Bunny’s contract has been renewed for them to appear on any Holiday or Tradition that they are scheduled to.

Mandrake and Valerian Root plants are now able to be planted indoors when it is Too Cold if Simmers have Realm of Magic installed.

Holiday Gnomes will no longer break Unbreakable objects when having a negative relationship with them.

The pedestal gnome (pedestal_EF18GENgnome) will no longer spawn as part of the Harvestfest gnomes tradition.

They wanted to spread holiday cheer… or they were attempting to bring about the end of Simanity, and usher in a new world order. Tomayto, tomahto.

Bunny contractual negotiations are ridiculous… they just keep multiplying their demands.

Dad joke quota met.

We don’t know what was done to make them angry, but even as magical as they are, they should not be breaking the Unbreakable.

He’s a table, he knows he’s a table, he doesn’t have any illusions to the contrary.

Get Famous

Married Celebrity Sim Couples will no longer React in Disgust with each other then they enter the same room.

Household members will no longer react to members with Pristine Reputation every time they travel together.

Fixed an issue that caused Recording a Product Review to fail if the Sim had previously interrupted a review by traveling to another Lot.

The Well Suited and G.R.A.N. talent agencies are back in business! Gigs from these agencies will now display appropriately.

Super Speed 3 should now work when Sims sleep in their Sleeping Pods and have a pet.

They are just a B-list celebrity though, can you blame them?

Like... we get it, they are perfect… no need to rub it in.

Island Living

Fixed an issue where Odd Jobs tasks were not able to be completed.

Fixed an issue where Conch Shells were not able to be put in Sims’ Inventories.

Sims can now see their recorded findings in the Notification Wall when performing “Examine Water Thoughtfully” on the Fishing Board.

Released Fish will actually be released back into the water and not be stored in Sims’ Inventory.

Players using low graphics settings will be surprised to find that Dolphins do actually exist in the waters of Sulani.

Discover University

Sims will no longer be accused of cheating on their coursework or homework if they don’t actually cheat.

Term Presentations should not have missing interactions any longer.

Fixed an issue that caused Error code 104:5ee05594 to occur when loading into a Dorm where an NPC had a Baby.

We addressed some feedback that getting As was too easy. Please be aware that your Sim will have to complete the coursework in order to consistently get good grades.

Students will no longer autonomously taunt each other about University Superiority unless they're at the Game Day organization event or have one of these traits: Childish, Evil, Hot-Headed, and Bro.

Please be aware that a Sim’s hunger, energy, and bladder motives will no longer refill on their own just before class.

Fixed an issue in which Enhancing Utility Bots would get cancelled inappropriately.

Roommates should no longer Bring Food home every time they return.

Sims can now Turn Off Computer Glasses when moving to other neighborhoods.

Sims that complete the debate showdown, will once again be able to change into their other outfits.

Term Papers will now always count toward the course’s final grades.

Fixed an issue where the following Build Mode items were not able to be placed on the LearnWell Desk (desk2x1_EP08DORM_set1):

Fixed an issue where “The Secret Society Masks” were not being unlocked in Create A Sim.

The showerWall_EP08Gen_set1 shower will no longer turn on when a Sim attempts to repair it.

Fixed an issue with a swatch color for the yfBody_EP08DressOveralls_BlackSolidWhite

Active Sims should no longer get the “Not Enough Exercise” tense buff if they have enrolled in the Soccer Fútbol after school activity, or choose to juggle a soccer fútbol ball.

Sims now must meet all of the promotion requirements in order to be promoted in the Education Career.

Attempting to interact with a bike rider should no longer cause your Sim to route fail when performing the interaction.

The Make Offering to Sprites interaction should no longer be unavailable if you only have harvestables in your inventory.

Reaching level 5 of the Law Career now correctly unlocks the lawyer suits for your Sim in Create a Sim.

Bots enhanced to level 3 will no longer automatically enhance to level 4 upon activation.

Interacting with a Sim riding a bike will no longer cause the Sim, your Sim, the bike, parts of the world, or any other potential object or thing to disappear.

Inviting your professor to hangout will now actually have the professor arrive to hangout.

Servo can now complete the StrangerVille story.

Servo Fun and Social motive descriptions no longer incorrectly refer to Servo as a Sim.

Bicycles can now be searched for in Build Mode by using the term “bike”.

ExoMech suit can be worn by teen Sims, and is visible too.

Sims already wearing a helmet, will no longer change into another helmet to ride a bike.

Sims in the same household will now automatically know the others degree program.

Sims will no longer receive multiple signing bonuses from degree relevant careers. Only one signing bonus is awarded in any seven day period.

Woohoo in Shower will no longer give fame.

“Chat About Scandalous Lawsuit” now provides fun.

Choosing to cancel the Practice Presentation interaction will now cancel the interaction.

Servos can no longer get sick.

Servos can no longer purchase the Seldom Sleepy reward trait.

Sims on probation can now be asked to study with.

Sims should no longer route fail when attempting to take a Pregnancy test in a bathroom stall.

Asking the Repo Person to not take your stuff will now provide you a Text Notification as to whether or not you had an impact on the Repo Person’s decision.

Sprites no longer appear around the Sim after the buff expires after leaving the Secret Society.

Starving students… yes, it’s a trope, but let’s not lean into it so heavily.

It was getting a bit awkward in special occasions and when meeting neighbors. Not to mention it is a fashion… choice, yes… let’s just say that.

Dang it.

Lex Light By Dex Pix - lightTableLarge_EP08GENarm_set1, Q-Bik Tabletop Mood Light - lightTableLarge_EP08GENcage, and Great Gramps’ Light - lightTableLarge_EP08GEN_set1 can now be placed properly.

yuAcc_GlassesEP08SecretSocietyMask and yuAcc_GlassesEP08MasqueradeMask are now unlocking as intended.

Outdoor Retreat

Sims can now roast at a campfire without needing a seating object nearby.

Spa Day

Fixed an issue where Sims did not have the option to “Take Bath with Soaks” and “Take Mud Bath” on Showertubs.

Sims can now again get massages autonomously at Spas.

Mud bath… showertub, at home? Hmm. Goooood plumbing.

Pamper Mode: On!

Dine Out

NPC Sims will now eat more at Restaurants.

Photos taken of Experimental Foods will now display correctly when put into frames.

Fixed a swatch color error with the ymTop_GP03Blazer_SolidWhiteBlack

Profit!

Vampires

“Influence Emotions” interaction will no longer be available to Vampires that have not yet unlocked this perk.

Jungle Adventure

Several objects were not properly being found when using color filters. These should be filterable now.

StrangerVille

StrangerVille music has been added to the Lin-Z Smart Speaker.

Realm of Magic

Fixed an issue where Occult eyes would not properly apply to Spellcasters.

Unplayed NPCs not living in Glimmerbrook will no longer appear in Glimmerbrook performing Magic.

“Challenge to Magic Duel at Dueling Grounds” performed by a broom and non-broom using duelist will now take place at the dueling grounds.

Spellcasters with the “Knowledge is Magic” Perk will now be able to complete the “Finish Reading 3 Books” aspiration goal.

Fixed an issue where some Spellcasters would not complete the “Learn a Spell” goal, even though they would learn a Spell.

Spellcasters will now be able to Do Laundry while having “Always Transportalate” enabled.

Fixed an issue in which Pet Familiars would not stop foraging, never bringing back their findings.

Sages now can be chosen to Play With for a game of Chess.

Random non Spellcaster Sims no longer will show up as being Sages.

Fixed an issue in which Cauldron made food was not able to be eaten as leftovers when looking at the refrigerator.

Sims on cursed lots will no longer always catch fire in all attempts while using the Fireplace or the Stove.

Fixed an issue in which sounds from The Magic Realm could be heard in Del Sol Valley if you had Get Famous installed.

Fixed an issue in which some shirts in Create A Sim would not tuck in appropriately.

Spellcaster Sims can now clean potty messes, child messes, and kitty litter messes by casting Scruberoo.

Spellcasters will no longer have duplicate makeup options in CAS.

Spellcasters should no longer land in unroutable locations when using the “Always Use Brooms” spell.

Fixed an issue with asset yfAcc_WristRightGP08Gems in Create A Sim that made it display incorrectly when Sims were styled with long sleeve shirts.

Spellcasters that cast Mischief Spells will now get awarded Mischief Skill when doing so.

Male spellcasters will no longer have a chance of going bald after performing Rite of Dissolution.

yfHair_GP08Braids now properly appears within the Afro-Textured texture filter.

Mischief spells are now counted towards the Criminal Career daily task Mischief Interaction.

Spellcasters with the Spellcraft and Sorcery aspiration will no longer reset or cause a LastException after writing songs.

What’s next Bob Pancakes is a vampire?

He is? I knew it!

They are now all good Familiars and bring everything they find back.

We also fixed an issue where they would only bring Brooms back after foraging, they are still all good familiars.

They cheat… I can’t be that bad.

Impostors have been dealt with. Thank you for your cooperation.

That’s probably who I was playing chess against.

Thankfully so! Not sure what we were going to do with all that food.

Try the Mac and Cheese, 10/10 totally recommend.

Looks at SimGuruMorgan with an Evil Grin.

yfTop_GP08ShirtLace, yfTop_GP08BlouseSeeThrough, and yfTop_GP08BodysuitVinyl now look as intended when paired with skinny jeans.

Magic… it’s magic.

I understand buying duplicates of favourite make up items, but this was excessive.

Excellent… Evil Laugh

Perfect Patio

We fixed an issue where hired Maids would often change into Swimwear and use the Hot Tub instead of completing their tasks.

I hired them to clean… honest!

Romantic Garden

Sims in the Freelance careers, including freelance photography, will no longer be able to Wish for Promotion using the Wishing Well.

Sims in Conservationist, Educator, Actor, Style Influencer, Military, Critic, Social Media, or Politician careers will now be able to Wish for a Promotion using the Wishing Well.

Sims are their own boss, so it didn’t make sense for them to do that.

Backyard

Fixed an issue in which some shirts in Create A Sim would not tuck in appropriately into skinny jeans.

yfTop_SP08BodysuitLace now looks as intended when paired with skinny jeans.

Vintage Glamour

Addressed several issues that caused the butler to fail to perform their assigned tasks.

Fixed an issue that prevented Butlers to help put Toddler Sims to Bed.

The Butler should no longer make food for themselves when they are not hungry.

Moschino

Emotional auras in photographs can now be toggled on/off.

Fixed an issue where some photos taken were a bit blurry when placed in frames in Live Mode.

Tripods placed on floors other than 1, 2, or 3, should no longer cause the camera to change floors when attempting to take a photo.

Ask to Pose interaction should no longer fail if the Sim attempts to run the interaction from the Open Street.

Sent all of our cameras to maintenance for repairs, enjoy!

[theinkgirl]

Top Itzal Moments In No Particular Order

1. Itzal dedicating the death of Quetzacoatl’s avatar and army to Norebo--elevating him to Greater God status

2. Itzal as Granny Glorfindel swindling people by pretending she can’t play “Jack Black”

3. Itzal getting thrown at a storm yokai by Heskan

4. Itzal climbing on Heskan and using him as a shield during battles--including her doing that while coaching him on how to kill the Cockatrice

5. Itzal Grinching across the bathroom floor during Heskan’s shower to steal the relic bow from him and escaping

6. Itzal successfully stealing one of Graviel’s shoes in the City of Luck--freaking him out so much he left the city (and the arc) immediately

7. The “MOON MOON THE MOON ELF” rant when she finally transforms into Itzal

8. “Disguise Self!”

9. “I don’t think that’s how Disguise Self works.”

10. Looking at the hugely intricate puzzle created for her in Ghost Forest--that was otherwise solve-able--and immediately using a javelin to launch at the hourglass in the center and break the entire puzzle.

11. Being the first person to meet The White face-to-face in the Astral Plane, and kinda vibing

12. Successfully catfishing Ka’Vel for months

13. Initiating the truce/partnership with Heskan (because they are Mom and Dad of the group/partners, even if they drive each other insane)

14. Giving PB that specially-crafted but ominous “blood and honor” belt-buckle as a thank-you-for-not-backstabbing-me/threat that you better not backstab me

15. “I’m over 300 years old!” successfully enough that everyone but Penna is like “Idk if that’s correct but idk enough about Itzal to dispute it.”

16. Trying to scam the god of Luck and Chance the first time she meets him

17. Being forced to admit out loud that Kovan is the first friend she made without spontaneously combusting on the spot

18. Being hated by Lea (and Reardon) who also hates that she’s respectively somehow more moral than the rest of her group and the selfish bitch that ruined his life

19. Being in complete shock after being brought back from death and then thrown a birthday party by Penna--who knows exactly how old she is/when her birthday is--despite Itzal not really knowing this herself

20. Simultaneously shape-shifting constantly and dissociating through her crafted personalities at the same time going “Lendor can see the future, but how can he predict what I’m going to do if I don’t exist?”

21. The previous thing actually working; and then she reverse-engineered her crypto-messaging spell with a wish spell to make Every Member of the Party unfindable and unperceivable to Lendor--the most powerful elder god--eternally, saving a bunch of mortals and 3 gods from immediate death.

[lenacorporations]

follow me home if you dare to | supercorp

{ao3} | 5k

It’s quiet in the car.

Lena keeps her eyes strictly on the road in front of them. She occasionally glances in the rearview mirror, even though they haven’t seen another vehicle in the past two hours. Indeed, when her eyes flicker to the rearview mirror again the road behind them is completely deserted.

She avoids, at all cost, to glance sideways. She prefers to just completely ignore Kara’s presence, hence the quiet.

(Maybe she also knows Kara hates it. Kara prefers stumbling through an awkward conversation over letting a silence fall between them.)

At the start of the trip, Kara had fiddled with the radio a bit, but after an hour or so Lena had turned it off without comment and Kara hadn’t turned it back on again.

It’s a little childish, but it’s all Lena can do not to fall apart.

She checks the rearview mirror again, more out of habit than anything else.

“No one’s following us.” Kara’s voice is a stark contrast against the deafening silence from before, sounding a lot louder than it actually is. “I’d know if they were.”

Lena’s grip on the steering wheel tightens; her knuckles turn white. It takes all her willpower to ignore Kara. She hasn’t quite shaken the instinct to look for Kara in every room she enters yet, one that she spent years perfecting.

Kara lets out a soft sigh, and from the corner of Lena’s eye she sees her turning away to look out the window.

Lena: 1, Lena’s stupid useless instinct: 0.

To be perfectly clear: Lena’s not worried someone’s following them. They’d be stupid to. There’s a handgun in Lena’s purse and, oh, one of them is Supergirl. Checking your rearview mirror is just common practice while driving, but apparently Kara doesn’t know that. Maybe it’s because she can hear whenever someone’s behind her and doesn’t actually need to look.

Lena doesn’t actually know the intricate details of Kara’s powers; just that she has them and knows how to use them. She never thought about how they might affect Kara’s normal, every day life and the way she interacts with the world when she’s supposed to pretend everything is fine.

She tells herself she doesn’t care. Kara betrayed her and she doesn’t care about her well-being.

(The irony of the lie she tells herself doesn’t go unnoticed. Instead it gets shoved neatly into a tiny little box, right next to the harboring feelings Lena still hasn’t been able to shake and the stubbornness to refuse to acknowledge that maybe Kara’s motivations had nothing to do with her at all.)

Still, though. If Kara doesn’t check her rearview mirror, Lena’s glad that she’s the one behind the wheel instead of her.

It’s been a few hours since they left the city limits of National City, admittedly in quite a hurry, and the December sun is starting to set. The world around them is rapidly starting to plunge into darkness and they’re far enough from any civilization for the streetlights to be all but gone.

Lena flicks on the high beams of her headlights for a better view of the road, illuminating the forest lying in front of them.

“Are you sure you know where you’re going?” Kara asks, breaking the silence once more. She’s sitting up straight, her glasses slightly lowered as she peers over them. “There’s nothing but woods for miles and miles.”

“I know where I’m going,” Lena says shortly. She still doesn’t turn to look at Kara, although now it’s mostly because she worries that if she takes her eyes off the road for more than a second they’ll wrap around a tree.

Kara doesn’t ease up. “If we’d flown we’d already have been there.”

If they’d flown Kara would’ve had to hold Lena in her arms while they soared through the sky, the front of her body pressed against Lena’s back. Even the thought is barely bearable, let alone the sensation of their bodies flushed together, the cold wind breaking against their faces.

“I’m scared of heights,” Lena says, because it’s true. She doesn’t add that all the times she’s flown with Supergirl—Kara—she hadn’t been frightened at all.

Kara doesn’t push, thankfully, and Lena puts her focus back on driving. The road gets significantly narrower as the trees around them seem to multiply, until it’s nothing more than just a patch of asphalt pretending to be a real road.

With the density of the trees blocking whatever remaining sunlight it’s now pitch black all around them, save for the headlights paving a path of light in front of them.

They drive like this for about twenty minutes. Lena’s forced to slow to an agonizing pace, the road slowly deteriorating with every passing mile. It’s evident no one’s been here for a number of years, and the quiet has reached a new peak. Even the car engine seems to be aiming for as little noise as possible and has resided to nothing more than a slight hum.

Lena’s sure the silence is infuriating for Kara, even if she doesn’t show it.

“Lena,” Kara pauses to fumble with her glasses. “This path isn’t leading anywhere. I’ve looked and—"

“Why can’t you just trust me to know what I’m doing?” Lena interrupts, pumping the breaks as she looks to her right. Her whole body seems to exhale at the sight of Kara, or rather the outline of Kara against the stark vastness of the dark.

“I do trust you, I do, but I can see there’s nothing here,” Kara says, her tone hinting at exhaustion. “It’s just trees for miles and miles and nothing else. Just trees.”

Lena tears her eyes away from Kara’s vague shape, carefully brushing the gas with her foot again. “Have you ever stopped to consider that we’re going to my brother’s most secret compound? One that no one knew even existed before I found those journals and translated the code? He never intended for anyone to ever find this place, and he made sure it’s unfindable.”

“So how are we supposed to find it? You said he didn’t leave any coordinates, just a description of how to get there.”

“Are you only thinking about that now? You got into a car with me, with the intention of driving to the middle of nowhere, even though you had no idea where exactly we were going?”

Kara lets out a sharp breath. “So what if I did? You said you knew where to go.”

“Do you realize how dangerous that is? What if all of this is just a way to lure you away from the DEO? I could have intentions to seriously hurt you!”

“You don’t,” Kara says, just a second too quick. “Do you?”

“No,” Lena says, unable to keep her voice to a normal level. “But I could have. You can’t just get into a car with people who could potentially harm you.”

“You sound like my mother warning me about taking candy from strangers,” Kara sighs. “But you’re not a stranger.”

“I’m a Luthor,” Lena says, even though every fiber in her being abhors that fact. “That’s arguably worse in your case. A stranger’s laced candy couldn’t do much to you, but a Luthor? Who knows what toys are hidden in Lex’s hideouts.”

Kara falls back into her seat. “Whatever, Lena. I’m not gonna entertain your hypothetical scenario where you’re the villain we both know you’re not.”

Lena’s heart does a loud thump thump thump even she can hear, but she ignores it. Truth is she doesn’t know how to talk to Kara. She hasn’t known how to talk to her since she told Lena she was Supergirl. Figuring out how the puzzle pieces all fit together gives Lena a headache, and she finds it easier to just be angry about it.

A few minutes of silence later, the hardened road ends. Lena’s not confident about her car’s ability to drive on an unpaved path in the woods, so she turns off the engine. “We walk from here.”

“Lena—”

“I’m sure.” Lena unbuckles her seatbelt and reaches for her purse—the one with the handgun in it. She takes it out. No need for purses tonight.

She wordlessly gets out of the car, the Timberlands she swapped her heels for hitting the broken asphalt. She walks around the car and opens the trunk to pull out a flashlight. Its beam is nearly as strong as the car’s headlights and considering the fact that it already feels like it’s the middle of the night she’s glad she packed it.

Kara evidently needs less preparation. When Lena rounds the car with her flashlight in one hand and her gun in the other, Kara’s suit is in the process of materializing over her normal clothes.

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Lena says, passing her with the roll of her eyes. “It might be better to just be Kara, my reporter friend who is 100% human, on this one.”

“I thought you said there’d be no one here,” Kara says, but she puts her glasses back on and  the suit disappears like nothing ever happened. Lena prefers this look.

“I learned not to assume anything where Lex is involved except danger and destruction,” Lena replies, the tone of her voice almost heartbreakingly casual. She starts walking as to not think about it for too long.

Kara follows her, and they walk in silence for a few minutes. Without the hum of the car engine it’s even quieter than before, all the normal forest sounds having died out when the cold winter air made its way across the land. The only sound Lena hears for what simultaneously feels like endless hours and mere minutes is the wind rustling the leafless branches of the trees towering over them.

Just as the cold is starting to seep through her clothes, her flashlight beam falls on a house. More specifically: a house in various states of decay. It’s surrounded by a fence that’s broken in various places and all the windows are busted. The bricks look brittle and like they’re only being held together by the moss growing on them.

A shiver that has nothing to do with the cold runs down Lena’s spine. Her entire body screams at her to turn around and leave; whatever Lex did here is better left alone.

“Creepy,” Kara comments, rather dryly, as she starts walking towards the house. When Lena doesn’t follow, she turns around. “Come on, this must be it, right? There’s nothing else around for miles.”

Lena doesn’t comment on how Kara somehow managed to miss this structure and she’s not sure Kara’s senses are the most reliable right now. She takes a deep breath and follows Kara through the gate that’s hanging from its hinges.

An uneasy feeling settles in the pit of her stomach as she steps onto the property. It looks like no one’s been here for decades, even though in the back of her mind she knows Lex used to spend time here before being arrested the first time.

She can’t shake the feeling that there’s someone behind her at all times, but every time she turns to look around there’s no one.

Crack.

Lena’s head snaps up. Kara’s leg is stuck where it sank through the wooden planks of the front porch. She pulls, hard, and the wood snaps in multiple places, filling the eerily quiet forest with noise that sounds close to gunshots. It makes Lena’s blood run cold.

“Sorry,” Kara says.

“It’s okay.”

Lena climbs the steps and crosses the front porch to where Kara is fumbling with the front door, careful to avoid the hole Kara’s leg just made.

“I can’t get this door to open,” Kara says, rattling the handle a little. She doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by the fact that they’re trying to break into a house where God knows what happened in the middle of nowhere. Doesn’t seem to feel the sudden plunge of coldness that has nothing to do with the actual weather.

Kara shoves her shoulder into the door and it falls inward, sending a layer of dust into the air. “Sorry,” she says, again, and enters the house.

Lena doesn’t know what she hates more; the floral wallpaper, the moth-eaten floral curtains or the dirty mirror reflecting their own shadowed faces back at them. The house is decorated like a normal house, for as far as abandoned houses in the middle of the woods can be normal, but the furniture is covered in a thick layer of dust.

Kara turns to look at Lena. “What are we looking for, exactly?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is it, like, a weapon? Research? A thumb drive?”

“I don’t know.” Lena goes into the kitchen area. There is a spider in the sink; it scurries away when she shines her flashlight on it. The cobwebs hanging from everywhere cast strange shadows on the walls.

“I thought you said you knew what we were doing here,” Kara says.

“I knew where I was going. I don’t know what we’re looking for. Could be anything, so keep your eyes open. Knowing Lex it’s probably hidden in a place so obvious we don’t bother to look.”

Everywhere Lena steps, a footprint is left in the dust. She tucks the gun away in the back of her pants.

They open every cabinet and drawer they come across. A lot of the things they find are dead. A nest of dead baby mice, the bones of a bird that must’ve flown in and gotten stuck, and countless spiders; their legs curled up.

Lena’s really starting to regret coming here. She didn’t care when they were in the car, but right now even knowing that Supergirl is with her can’t calm her racing heart. She balls her hands to fists to keep them from shaking.

Everything in the kitchen is, albeit dusty, perfectly placed. The six cups in the cupboard are all positioned the same, there are six plates neatly stacked on top of each other, and even the cutlery drawer is extremely organized. (There are six sets.)

Kara opens the last drawer and reaches inside. She feels around while Lena watches her with growing anxiety, then shrugs and closes the drawer. “It’s empty.”

“You just stuck your hand in a creepy drawer in a creepy house that belongs to my creepy brother,” Lena says, shaking her head. “You’re insane.”

Kara shrugs. “I’m invulnerable.”

“Maybe we should split up, search each room individually. The faster we’re out of here, the better.”

“That’s the worst idea you ever had,” Kara says, following Lena as she walks into the living room. “That’s how people die in horror movies.”

“This isn’t a horror movie,” Lena says, kicking her boot against the sofa with a floral print. It groans and buckles under its own weight. The sound echoes through the house. Lena pretends it doesn’t frighten her. “Just go into the dining room already.”

Kara does as she’s told, muttering objections under her breath, but as soon as she left the room, Lena regrets sending her away. Without Kara around, she becomes even more aware of how dark and quiet this place is. All she can hear is her own breathing and the sound of her boots against the wooden floorboards. She can’t even hear Kara in the other room.

The living room is just as neat as the kitchen. There are no signs of life, past or present, anywhere; no pictures of the inhabitants that used to occupy this house, no items out of place. Even the books on the shelves are brand new, despite the dust settling between the pages.

Opposite the door is an oil painting of a beach, the fake gold of the frame peeling off in multiple places. It looks heavy, and when Lena tries to lift it off the wall, it feels heavy too.

“Kara?” Lena calls out.

There’s no reply.

A chill spreads through Lena’s body.

From the corner of her eye, she spots a shadow where the room turns a corner. She lets out a relieved sigh. “There you are. I need your help lifting this painting.”

The shadow moves around the corner, away from Lena, but Kara doesn’t appear. A wave of fear turns Lena’s blood into ice. Something lodges in her throat and for a second she can’t breathe properly.

Something strange is going on here, but she can’t put her finger on what.

A dark figure appears in the doorway. Lena screams. Then Kara steps into the beam of her flashlight.

“Are you okay?”

“Oh my—fuck, Kara. You scared me.”

“Sorry,” Kara says, moving closer to Lena. Her coat is covered in dust and there’s dirt on her cheeks. “The dining room was empty. I mean, not empty, just. There wasn’t anything interesting in there. Just more plates and stuff. But the table was set with all this fancy tableware, and none of it had dust on it, except for the sixth set. Weird, huh?”

Lena nods wordlessly. Her tongue feels heavy in her mouth, all the little hairs on her body standing right on end. She wants nothing more than to get out of here, but Alex will kill them if they come back empty-handed. Still, something isn’t right here. She can feel it in her bones, even if she doesn’t know what.

“You were in the dining room this entire time?” she asks, unable to keep her voice from shaking. “The one next to the kitchen?”

Kara nods. “Why?”

“Just—” Lena’s throat closes up. She shakes her head. The implications of that… she doesn’t want to think about it. “Never mind.”

Kara gives her a long look, but she doesn’t push. Instead, she turns to the painting. “Did you want me to take this off the wall? Do you think something might be behind it?”

“Could be.”

Kara takes the painting and, in a strained voice, says, “Anything? Gee, this thing is heavy.”

Lena runs her hand over the back of the painting, but she doesn’t feel anything out of the ordinary. She tries to look at it from different angles with her flashlight, but she comes up empty—again.

“Are you done?” Kara huffs and the words have barely left her mouth before she drops the painting, the wood creaking underneath their feet. “Sorry, it was really heavy.”

“You can carry airplanes but a single painting is too much?”

Kara’s breath is labored and she leans against the wall. Her hands are visibly shaking and when Lena shines her flashlight onto Kara’s face there’s a layer of sweat on her brow.

“Is there any Kryptonite anywhere?”

But Kara shakes her head. “Whatever’s going on here isn’t Kryptonite. Kryptonite doesn’t just make my powers go away, it makes me feel like there are flames melting the flesh off my bones. This doesn’t do that. It just makes me weak.”

Whatever courage Lena still had is instantly drained from her body. If something is stopping Kara from being Supergirl, then coming here was an even worse idea than she’d previously thought.

“Do you think Lex protected this place with anti-Kryptonian measures?” she wonders aloud, but Kara doesn’t reply.

She’s staring at the painting, a crease formed between her eyebrows. She points at a small figure of a man wearing a bowler hat on the beach. “Was this there before?”

Dread floods Lena’s veins. “I think we need to get out of here.”

Then, as if on a cue, she hears footsteps on the floor above them.

Kara opens her mouth to say something, but Lena presses her finger against her lips and hisses, “Shh. I think I heard something.”

Kara’s eyes widen and she presses her lips into a tight line. They listen for a minute or so, but the house is quiet again.

“I don’t think—” Kara starts, but at the same time the footsteps reappear, and Lena clasps her hand over Kara’s mouth to shut her up. She holds up a finger, pointing at where the sound is moving from one room to another just above them.

“What do you hear?” Kara whispers as soon as Lena removes her hand.

“Footsteps,” Lena whispers back, barely suppressing the urge to curl up into fetus position and cry. Her limbs feel impossibly cold and numb at the same time, and her heart is hammering against her chest so hard she’s positive Kara can hear it even without super-hearing. “Do you not hear them?”

Kara shakes her head. “Do you think we should take a look?”

“No,” Lena shoots back. “Absolutely not.”

But Kara’s already on her way, the staircase creaking underneath her feet.

“What the fuck, Kara,” Lena hisses, but the thought of staying downstairs all on her own possibly scares her even more than going upstairs with Kara, so she’s quick to follow. Turns out the stairs don’t only sound like they’re about to break, they feel like it, too. Every step feels wobbly and the feelings of dread and anxiety don’t subside when she reaches the top and Kara’s standing there; frozen and staring at something in one of the rooms.

Her anger with Kara having long left her body, Lena grabs Kara’s arm in an attempt to hide from whatever’s in the room.

But nothing leaps out at them. No cold hands grab her shoulders, even though Lena still can’t shake the feeling that there’s someone standing right behind her. She resists the urge to turn around and press her back against Kara’s.

When Kara doesn’t move or say anything, Lena dares to peer past her into the room. She instantly regrets it—regrets it even more than coming here in the first place.

The room is completely empty with the exception of five porcelain dolls lying in various positions on the floor, each of them facing towards the ceiling.

A strangled sob escapes Lena’s throat and she buries her face against Kara’s shoulder. Kara doesn’t even seem to acknowledge her. All the muscles in her body are tensed up and she’s trembling slightly. Lena feels the rapid beating of her heart against her cheek.

She clings to Kara like a lifeline, and for a minute they stand staring at the dolls like they expect them to move.

(Maybe they do. Lena wouldn’t even be surprised if they turned their little heads to look straight at them with blue, hallow eyes.)

Nothing happens, though, and Lena can feel Kara starting to relax. She feels Kara turn around and wrap her arms around Lena’s shoulders, pulling her closer to her. They’re both still trembling and even the warmth of the embrace isn’t enough to warm Lena’s freezing body.

For a moment time freezes and it’s just the two of them, the house around them melting away. Lena’s heart skips a beat for a whole different reason, and in an unguarded second she lets the flashlight slip out of her hand.

It clatters to the ground with an impossibly loud sound that echoes all throughout the house. A pained wail rises up from somewhere below them, followed by the slamming of a door. A gush of wind blows through their clothes, makes them jump apart.

“Please tell me you heard that,” Lena whispers, her throat so closed up her voice is barely audible.

Kara nods. “There’s someone downstairs who needs our help.” Something in her eyes has changed—the fear is replaced by something else.

Lena knows what’s about to happen before it happens, and she instinctively takes a step back. Kara rips the glasses off her face and while the suit materializes over her clothes, she runs down the stairs.

“I don’t think whoever’s down there is… alive,” Lena says, her voice trailing off at the last word. But Kara doesn’t hear her, and Lena’s left with only one option. She follows Kara down the stairs, back to the hallway.

From the corner of her eye she notices the painting is back in its original place on the wall, and the figure inside of it has walked closer to the surface.

“Kara,” Lena says, choking back on a sob. “Kara, where are you?”

In the mirror across from her, a small figure appears—a child. Its clothes are bloody and in place of its eyes are black holes. Its lips are curled up into a smile. It turns its little head to look at an open door, where a staircase leads to the basement. A strange smell emits from it, tickling at her nostrils and causing her stomach to turn.

A gush of wind pushes her towards the door, its touch like ice on her skin.

Lena whips around, but there’s no one in the hallway except for her. She shivers, cold sweat running down her back. Her vision blurs as she stumbles down the stairs, and she suddenly remembers she left her flashlight upstairs. Still, a faint greenish light shines from the basement, and she walks towards it like a moth drawn to a flame.

When she reaches the basement, the first thing she sees is Kara standing in the middle of the room in her super suit. The second thing she sees is the bodies.

There’s five of them, torn up and in various states of decay. Each on a separate table not unlike the ones in her own lab. In the back of her mind she realizes their positions resemble the ones of the dolls upstairs.

An overhead lightbulb casts eerie shadows on them, and there are flies everywhere. Then the smell hits her so hard she doubles over and dry-heaves. Her knees buckle. She’s about to hit the ground when two strong hands grip her arms, hoisting her back up.

For a second, her lungs contract and she tries to struggle free, then she hears Kara’s trembling voice in her ear. “Let’s go back upstairs.”

The stench of rot makes Lena’s eyes water and tears roll down her cheeks and she leans back into Kara’s arms, choked sobs shaking her body.

“We don’t need to see this,” Kara says, trying to gently tug back towards the stairs. But Lena pushes Kara off of her, walks towards the bodies. One of them has decayed so much its face has almost completely retracted into the skull, the blackened layer of whatever skin is left over stretching thin. Maggots are crawling inside the eye sockets.

Three of the bodies are smaller than the other two; children.

Is this what Lex wanted her to find? He must’ve known she’d eventually find the remainder of his journals and decode the contents.

If she hadn’t shot him already, she’d shoot him again.

Another wave of nausea hits her, hard, and she vomits all over the tiled green floor. All the terror she felt mere minutes ago has vanished, completely replaced by an overwhelming disgust and disbelief. She knew Lex was a bad man, but this… her eyes fall on the mangled bodies of the three children again.

She steps over the pool of vomit and approaches the one empty table in the far corner of the room, where an old computer is stationed. The lighting is faint and her own shadow makes it hard to see anything, but she finds a thumb drive and a notebook that’s filled with vague scribbles. Despite the bad lighting, Lena can make out the diagram of a human body and hastily jotted down notes about the process of dying and the possibilities of resurrection.

She turns around to where Kara is standing next to one of the children’s fly-infested bodies, tears in her eyes.

“We’re done here,” she says, holding up the thumb drive and notebook. “We got what we came for.”

They climb back up the stairs to the hallway, where the child in the mirror is gone, and the front door is back in its hinges. Lena’s too tired to be scared anymore. She tries the handle; it gives.

As soon as they’re outside, the door falls shut again, and Lena doesn’t want to know if it can be re-opened. Her legs seem to move on their own accord as she crosses the front porch, the lack of a hole in the wooden planks vaguely registering in the back of her mind, until she’s out of the gates.

Unsure as to why, Lena turns around to look at the house one more time, and the porch light flickers once, twice, three times. Then they’re surrounded by darkness once more.

Kara wordlessly slips her hand into Lena’s, and Lena lets her. Whatever anger she felt towards Kara seems stupid now. All that matters is that they made it out of the house alive, even though the family that lived there didn’t.

They walk in silence for a few minutes, Kara leading them this time, and as the adrenaline in Lena’s blood disappears, she’s overcome with exhaustion. One foot in front of the other becomes harder and harder, and she stumbles a couple times. One time it’s because she trips over the flashlight she’d dropped on top of the staircase. She doesn’t have the energy to pick it up.

Kara never lets go of her hand, though, and for a while the skin-on-skin contact is the only thing that brings warmth and sanity.

“My powers are back,” Kara says eventually, once they’re far enough away from the house its grasp can no longer touch them. “Do you want me to fly us home?”

Lena blinks, looking up at the outline of her. “We need to go back and bury the bodies.”

“They didn’t want us there.” Kara’s voice is soft, steady in a way Lena doubts she’ll ever feel again. “It’s better to leave them alone.”

Lena says nothing, the lump in her throat too big to speak again, even though she thinks otherwise. She lets Kara wrap her arms around her body and closes her eyes. Kara jumps and then they’re flying, higher and higher towards the moon.

From this height the woods below seem a lot less terrifying, but Lena doubts she’ll ever be able to shake the chill that seeped into her bones tonight.

[thesims4blogger]

The Sims 4: New Game Patch (December 12th, 2019)

There’s a new Sims 4 PC update available via Origin.

Remove all MODS and Custom Content before updating your game

Update 12/12/2019 PC: 1.59.73.1020 / Mac: 1.59.73.1220

Hello Simmers!

It’s been quite the year for The Sims 4! We blew past the game’s 5th anniversary with no signs of slowing down. One of the community’s most highly requested expansion packs just launched recently, and we hope you’re all enjoying getting educated in Discover University. In case you haven’t heard, we’ve also launched another community Stuff Pack project, where your collective votes will decide the path of yet another pack coming to The Sims 4. And of course, The Sims’ franchise 20th anniversary is just over the horizon, which we’re looking forward to celebrating with you.

Today’s update has been influenced by you as well… We set aside time to specifically address issues that you’ve let us know are important to your in-game experience, and we hope the long list of fixes and improvements you’ll find below will lead to many hours of fun playing The Sims 4. In addition, we’ve squeezed in a few un-planned extras we hope you’ll enjoy. Not only have we added some new music tracks to the game, but we’ve also converted a number of hairstyles to now also be available for children and toddlers. While the adult versions of these styles will remain exclusive to whichever pack they originally came from, we hope you’ll all enjoy these additional options for your Sim’s little ones.

While Maxis will soon be taking a short break to enjoy the holidays (merry Winterfest, and a Happy New Year!), we’ll be back for another packed year for The Sims 4 in 2020. See you then!

-SimGuruGraham, ft. SimGuruGnome

The Music The following music has been added to the alternative station:

“Nicknames” Performed by Dayglow Written by Sloan Struble Copyright Control Recording courtesy of AWAL Digital Ltd.

“4am” Performed by girl in red Written by Marie Ulven Copyright Control Recording courtesy of AWAL Recordings

“prom dress” Performed by mxmtoon Produced by Robin Skinner & mxmtoon Written by Maia M-T Published by Songtrust Music Publishing Recording courtesy of mxmtoon LLC under exclusive license to House Arrest/The Orchard By Arrangement with Bank Robber Music

“Win You Over” Performed by Whethan & Bearson feat. SOAK Written by Ethan Snoreck, Jakob Bjørn Hansen, Birdie Monds-Watson, Anthony Whiting and Emily Phillips Published by Whethan Publishing/These Are Pulse Songs (BMI) c/o Pulse Publishing Administration, Next Wave Music Publishing, Universal – PolyGram Int. Tunes, Inc. on behalf of Universal Music Publishing Ltd., Universal Music Corp. on behalf of itself and PW Arrangements, and Domino Publishing Company USA (ASCAP) Whethan appears courtesy of Atlantic Recording Corp. SOAK appears courtesy of Rough Trade Records Recording courtesy of Ultra Records LLC

FIXES & UPDATES

The Sims 4

Fixed an issue where macOS Simmers could crash when accessing The Gallery.

Fixed an issue where Nice or High Quality harvestables would disappear from Sims’ inventories after Travel or Save/Load.

Fixed an issue where Freelancer Career tasks would not complete after Sims would Travel.

Sims that were seated at a 6 seat round table can now Clean up the dishes.

Child Sims will be now able to enjoy Quick Meals again!

Fixed an issue where Sims didn’t write a genre book when “Write Genre Book” was selected.

Multiple duplicate interactions should no longer appear in pie menus when you have certain objects in your inventory.

The Jet Set Luxury Bath (bathtubJetsGEN_01) was listed as being Unbreakable when that wasn’t true.

Speaking of Unbreakable, we fixed an issue with Hot Tubs and Stereos where unbreakable upgrades would not work if these objects were in use when upgrading them.

Fixed an issue in which some Sims could stand on, or walk through solid objects.

Adding a Sim to an existing household via the Create a Sim Stories feature will no longer subtract Simoleons from the household.

You can now extinguish a fire, even if the fire is within another object.

Fixed an issue that would cause Error code 510:5bd7fa0b to occur when attempting to save.

Sims can now Scrap the unfinished paintings of visiting Sims.

Light intensity will no longer reset when setting Auto Lights options.

Fixed an issue which made the item Tiny Globe & Sycee of the Prosperous Moon appear twice in Build Mode.

Half Walls toppers can now be applied to half walls on all levels of your lot.

Fixed an issue that caused Lots downloaded from The Gallery to be placed backwards and not being able to rotate them to an appropriate view.

Households downloaded from The Gallery should now have their starting funds set to the correct amount, and not just the base 20,000 Simoleons.

Child Sims will no longer receive Whims related to workouts.

Fixed an issue that did not allow Nordic keyboards for macOS to use the Size Down Cheat.

Fixed an issue where Error code 102:70c7f9a6 would occur when loading into Lots after loading a saved game.

Walls no longer will disappear when Taking a Photo in a Basement level room that does not have a staircase.

Bookshelves will no longer have the option to purchase University books if you do not own Discover University.

Sims will no longer flicker on and off the landing pad, when in the Rocket Ship using the WooHoo or Try for Baby interactions.

Sims in the Supreme Villain career working on the mischief interaction task can now use the Slablet to Troll teh Forums to complete the task.

Addressed some UI issues in Create a Sim that occurred after modifying the scaling option in the Accessibility options.

Lots and rooms with modded paintings will now be flagged as Custom Content when uploading to The Gallery

Small rugs can no longer be placed over the cutouts created by stairs.

Using Ctrl + U to reset your UI Scaling while you have the UI Scaling window open, will now properly reset the scale bar.

Caterer Sims will now be able to make a Cake and complete their Party event goals.

We attempted to track down the lost harvestables that are currently lost, but found they were lost and unfindable. It’s findings like this that we find we are at a loss of words for, however any future loss should not be found.

Sadly, all the children who had thought they had found the magic loophole, stay seated at the table, are no longer…

…right… like any kid ever stays seated at the table.

Who doesn’t enjoy a good bowl of cereal?

Some example interactions that were reported: “Play Fetch”, ”Give Potion”, “Blackmail”, “Scan Here”. The LastException related to this issue should also be fixed.

It’s now truly Unbreakable!

David was also supposed to be Unbreakable… but… spoilers… he broke.

Obviously there was an issue with the hot tub… water is the weakness.

Specifically Baby Bassinets… babies were becoming quite paranoid they weren’t actually Sims…

This could occur if a large object caught fire. You would have to wait until the fire spread outside the bounds of the large object in order to extinguish it.

“Your house is on fire?!”

“Yep… it’s under the bed. Gotta wait it out. But I’m ready.”

Topper… it’s a technical term that means the piece that goes on top of a half wall.

Ok, the issue summary said topper, I couldn’t remember what it was called, so I left it as topper.

Of course I have the game up and running. Yes I could go look…

Ah, you crazy supreme villains and your trolling ways. So eeeeevil.

Get To Work

Aliens should now appear as expected in the Photo thumbnails, and no longer display their disguised forms when they are not in disguise.

Aliens will now display accurate selected options for Eyebrows and Beards in Create A Sim.

Fixed an issue where Scientist Sims would record their findings in Notebooks twice.

We addressed an issue that could prevent Sims from not being able to ring up customers who attempt to purchase from the warming rack.

Some boots, along with the Sims feet, were disappearing when the camera was zoomed all the way out. This should no longer occur.

The “Refer for Surgical Treatment” interaction is now available on surgery tables that have had their color altered with the bb.enablefreebuild cheat.

There are better ways to take tidy and efficient notes.

City Living

There were a number of confusing situations that arose as a result of Invites your Sims would receive. In some cases these would appear as two invites for the same event, one that was the “hey, I just wanted you to know” invite, and the other would be the real invite. They should behave more accordingly to expectations.

Sims with the Shrewd reward trait weren’t as shrewd as they thought they were. We have restored their shrewd’ness and they should now actually receive the money they so rightfully shrewded away at the end of each week.

Fixed an issue in which some shirts in Create A Sim would not tuck in appropriately into skinny jeans.

We blame it on bad investments, the cd market apparently didn’t mean compact discs.

yfTop_EP03Mesh_OmbreBlue now looks as intended when paired with skinny jeans.

Seasons

Sims can now complete New Year resolutions on any lot, and not just their home lots.

The Lottery Holiday is back in your calendars! It should not be a surprise disappearing act any longer.

We spoke to the Holiday Gnomes and they have agreed to stop dropping seed packets if your Sims are not on Lot when the Holiday ends.

Fixed an issue where Weather would affect items inside buildings.

Flower Bunny’s contract has been renewed for them to appear on any Holiday or Tradition that they are scheduled to.

Mandrake and Valerian Root plants are now able to be planted indoors when it is Too Cold if Simmers have Realm of Magic installed.

Holiday Gnomes will no longer break Unbreakable objects when having a negative relationship with them.

The pedestal gnome (pedestal_EF18GENgnome) will no longer spawn as part of the Harvestfest gnomes tradition.

They wanted to spread holiday cheer… or they were attempting to bring about the end of Simanity, and usher in a new world order. Tomayto, tomahto.

Bunny contractual negotiations are ridiculous… they just keep multiplying their demands.

Dad joke quota met.

We don’t know what was done to make them angry, but even as magical as they are, they should not be breaking the Unbreakable.

He’s a table, he knows he’s a table, he doesn’t have any illusions to the contrary.

Get Famous

Married Celebrity Sim Couples will no longer React in Disgust with each other then they enter the same room.

Household members will no longer react to members with Pristine Reputation every time they travel together.

Fixed an issue that caused Recording a Product Review to fail if the Sim had previously interrupted a review by traveling to another Lot.

The Well Suited and G.R.A.N. talent agencies are back in business! Gigs from these agencies will now display appropriately.

Super Speed 3 should now work when Sims sleep in their Sleeping Pods and have a pet.

They are just a B-list celebrity though, can you blame them?

Like… we get it, they are perfect… no need to rub it in.

Island Living

Fixed an issue where Odd Jobs tasks were not able to be completed.

Fixed an issue where Conch Shells were not able to be put in Sims’ Inventories.

Sims can now see their recorded findings in the Notification Wall when performing “Examine Water Thoughtfully” on the Fishing Board.

Released Fish will actually be released back into the water and not be stored in Sims’ Inventory.

Players using low graphics settings will be surprised to find that Dolphins do actually exist in the waters of Sulani.

Discover University

Sims will no longer be accused of cheating on their coursework or homework if they don’t actually cheat.

Term Presentations should not have missing interactions any longer.

Fixed an issue that caused Error code 104:5ee05594 to occur when loading into a Dorm where an NPC had a Baby.

We addressed some feedback that getting As was too easy. Please be aware that your Sim will have to complete the coursework in order to consistently get good grades.

Students will no longer autonomously taunt each other about University Superiority unless they’re at the Game Day organization event or have one of these traits: Childish, Evil, Hot-Headed, and Bro.

Please be aware that a Sim’s hunger, energy, and bladder motives will no longer refill on their own just before class.

Fixed an issue in which Enhancing Utility Bots would get cancelled inappropriately.

Roommates should no longer Bring Food home every time they return.

Sims can now Turn Off Computer Glasses when moving to other neighborhoods.

Sims that complete the debate showdown, will once again be able to change into their other outfits.

Term Papers will now always count toward the course’s final grades.

Fixed an issue where the following Build Mode items were not able to be placed on the LearnWell Desk (desk2x1_EP08DORM_set1):

Fixed an issue where “The Secret Society Masks” were not being unlocked in Create A Sim.

The showerWall_EP08Gen_set1 shower will no longer turn on when a Sim attempts to repair it.

Fixed an issue with a swatch color for the yfBody_EP08DressOveralls_BlackSolidWhite

Active Sims should no longer get the “Not Enough Exercise” tense buff if they have enrolled in the Soccer Fútbol after school activity, or choose to juggle a soccer fútbol ball.

Sims now must meet all of the promotion requirements in order to be promoted in the Education Career.

Attempting to interact with a bike rider should no longer cause your Sim to route fail when performing the interaction.

The Make Offering to Sprites interaction should no longer be unavailable if you only have harvestables in your inventory.

Reaching level 5 of the Law Career now correctly unlocks the lawyer suits for your Sim in Create a Sim.

Bots enhanced to level 3 will no longer automatically enhance to level 4 upon activation.

Interacting with a Sim riding a bike will no longer cause the Sim, your Sim, the bike, parts of the world, or any other potential object or thing to disappear.

Inviting your professor to hangout will now actually have the professor arrive to hangout.

Servo can now complete the StrangerVille story.

Servo Fun and Social motive descriptions no longer incorrectly refer to Servo as a Sim.

Bicycles can now be searched for in Build Mode by using the term “bike”.

ExoMech suit can be worn by teen Sims, and is visible too.

Sims already wearing a helmet, will no longer change into another helmet to ride a bike.

Sims in the same household will now automatically know the others degree program.

Sims will no longer receive multiple signing bonuses from degree relevant careers. Only one signing bonus is awarded in any seven day period.

Woohoo in Shower will no longer give fame.

“Chat About Scandalous Lawsuit” now provides fun.

Choosing to cancel the Practice Presentation interaction will now cancel the interaction.

Servos can no longer get sick.

Servos can no longer purchase the Seldom Sleepy reward trait.

Sims on probation can now be asked to study with.

Sims should no longer route fail when attempting to take a Pregnancy test in a bathroom stall.

Asking the Repo Person to not take your stuff will now provide you a Text Notification as to whether or not you had an impact on the Repo Person’s decision.

Sprites no longer appear around the Sim after the buff expires after leaving the Secret Society.

Starving students… yes, it’s a trope, but let’s not lean into it so heavily.

It was getting a bit awkward in special occasions and when meeting neighbors. Not to mention it is a fashion… choice, yes… let’s just say that.

Dang it.

Lex Light By Dex Pix – lightTableLarge_EP08GENarm_set1, Q-Bik Tabletop Mood Light – lightTableLarge_EP08GENcage, and Great Gramps’ Light – lightTableLarge_EP08GEN_set1 can now be placed properly.

yuAcc_GlassesEP08SecretSocietyMask and yuAcc_GlassesEP08MasqueradeMask are now unlocking as intended.

Outdoor Retreat

Sims can now roast at a campfire without needing a seating object nearby.

Spa Day

Fixed an issue where Sims did not have the option to “Take Bath with Soaks” and “Take Mud Bath” on Showertubs.

Sims can now again get massages autonomously at Spas.

Mud bath… showertub, at home? Hmm. Goooood plumbing.

Pamper Mode: On!

Dine Out

NPC Sims will now eat more at Restaurants.

Photos taken of Experimental Foods will now display correctly when put into frames.

Fixed a swatch color error with the ymTop_GP03Blazer_SolidWhiteBlack

Profit!

Vampires

“Influence Emotions” interaction will no longer be available to Vampires that have not yet unlocked this perk.

Jungle Adventure

Several objects were not properly being found when using color filters. These should be filterable now.

StrangerVille

StrangerVille music has been added to the Lin-Z Smart Speaker.

Realm of Magic

Fixed an issue where Occult eyes would not properly apply to Spellcasters.

Unplayed NPCs not living in Glimmerbrook will no longer appear in Glimmerbrook performing Magic.

“Challenge to Magic Duel at Dueling Grounds” performed by a broom and non-broom using duelist will now take place at the dueling grounds.

Spellcasters with the “Knowledge is Magic” Perk will now be able to complete the “Finish Reading 3 Books” aspiration goal.

Fixed an issue where some Spellcasters would not complete the “Learn a Spell” goal, even though they would learn a Spell.

Spellcasters will now be able to Do Laundry while having “Always Transportalate” enabled.

Fixed an issue in which Pet Familiars would not stop foraging, never bringing back their findings.

Sages now can be chosen to Play With for a game of Chess.

Random non Spellcaster Sims no longer will show up as being Sages.

Fixed an issue in which Cauldron made food was not able to be eaten as leftovers when looking at the refrigerator.

Sims on cursed lots will no longer always catch fire in all attempts while using the Fireplace or the Stove.

Fixed an issue in which sounds from The Magic Realm could be heard in Del Sol Valley if you had Get Famous installed.

Fixed an issue in which some shirts in Create A Sim would not tuck in appropriately.

Spellcaster Sims can now clean potty messes, child messes, and kitty litter messes by casting Scruberoo.

Spellcasters will no longer have duplicate makeup options in CAS.

Spellcasters should no longer land in unroutable locations when using the “Always Use Brooms” spell.

Fixed an issue with asset yfAcc_WristRightGP08Gems in Create A Sim that made it display incorrectly when Sims were styled with long sleeve shirts.

Spellcasters that cast Mischief Spells will now get awarded Mischief Skill when doing so.

Male spellcasters will no longer have a chance of going bald after performing Rite of Dissolution.

yfHair_GP08Braids now properly appears within the Afro-Textured texture filter.

Mischief spells are now counted towards the Criminal Career daily task Mischief Interaction.

Spellcasters with the Spellcraft and Sorcery aspiration will no longer reset or cause a LastException after writing songs.

What’s next Bob Pancakes is a vampire?

He is? I knew it!

They are now all good Familiars and bring everything they find back.

We also fixed an issue where they would only bring Brooms back after foraging, they are still all good familiars.

They cheat… I can’t be that bad.

Impostors have been dealt with. Thank you for your cooperation.

That’s probably who I was playing chess against.

Thankfully so! Not sure what we were going to do with all that food.

Try the Mac and Cheese, 10/10 totally recommend.

Looks at SimGuruMorgan with an Evil Grin.

yfTop_GP08ShirtLace, yfTop_GP08BlouseSeeThrough, and yfTop_GP08BodysuitVinyl now look as intended when paired with skinny jeans.

Magic… it’s magic.

I understand buying duplicates of favourite make up items, but this was excessive.

Excellent… Evil Laugh

Perfect Patio

We fixed an issue where hired Maids would often change into Swimwear and use the Hot Tub instead of completing their tasks.

I hired them to clean… honest!

Romantic Garden

Sims in the Freelance careers, including freelance photography, will no longer be able to Wish for Promotion using the Wishing Well.

Sims in Conservationist, Educator, Actor, Style Influencer, Military, Critic, Social Media, or Politician careers will now be able to Wish for a Promotion using the Wishing Well.

Sims are their own boss, so it didn’t make sense for them to do that.

Backyard

Fixed an issue in which some shirts in Create A Sim would not tuck in appropriately into skinny jeans.

yfTop_SP08BodysuitLace now looks as intended when paired with skinny jeans.

Vintage Glamour

Addressed several issues that caused the butler to fail to perform their assigned tasks.

Fixed an issue that prevented Butlers to help put Toddler Sims to Bed.

The Butler should no longer make food for themselves when they are not hungry.

Moschino

Emotional auras in photographs can now be toggled on/off.

Fixed an issue where some photos taken were a bit blurry when placed in frames in Live Mode.

Tripods placed on floors other than 1, 2, or 3, should no longer cause the camera to change floors when attempting to take a photo.

Ask to Pose interaction should no longer fail if the Sim attempts to run the interaction from the Open Street.

Sent all of our cameras to maintenance for repairs, enjoy!

[nenestansunsthings]

Do you have any old OCs you haven’t used in a while?

... yes.

there are only really two that i think count since most of my characters, like blackbox and A. and english and the like are all just canon characters that i've twisted until they're unrecohnizable. their names are sol "phosphor" and matthew gallows. their backstory is very, very long and i WILL rant about it for paragraphs at a time so it's all goin under a cut thanks.

also please be careful because of, uh... child abuse, acts of violence, murder of parents, cannibalism, attempted fratricide, and just generally monstrous stuff that i really should not have been telling as a bedtime story. please don't read this if it sounds too violent. i'm a little scared of the things i came up with too.

[[MORE]]

so! sol's the first one! basics: they're a reality bender and they're genderfluid and adhd as fuck. they're made of stardust and sight and the shattered debris of a dead world and they're the child of life and death. they're in the psych department because i love the psych department with my whole heart. and they're absolutely terrifying when they're not trying to be nice.

they were also an asshole. they're getting better.

the absolute mess that was their life started pretty much the moment they were born. they were. they were the second oldest child in the thorne family. their oldest brother was named lepur thorne and he was pretty much their parents' views of perfect.

little baby sol started out trying to imitate lepur as much as they could. they were trying to be as close to him as possible and did their best to match his personality and actions. but it did not work. even when their younger siblings were created and the family started getting less focused on lepur they were still hated and thought of as a pale imitation of everything good. so around when they turned thirteen they went right in the other direction. and then they became an absolute nightmare.

the problem was that they were a reality bender. so things started getting literally nightmarish. they were, of course, around fourteen and also immortal, so they had little to no impulse control and no sense of consequences. thankfully for their immediate surroundings, their whole family was also terrifying and mostly immortal. so. the consequences at least weren't permanent.

sol's parents responded as all reasonable parents do. they launched the equivalent of a smear campaign against their child and made every single other child they created fear them.

sol quit after that. disowned themself and left at seventeen to make a better life for themself. only they'd lived with a violent and very murder-happy family for so long that they'd pretty solidly cemented arson, blackmail, psychological warfare, and homicide as very fun hobbies to indulge in.

they carved a bloody path across universes and made themself a thousand different titles and names. king. overlord. all-seeing. the bright sun. starburst and master and the demon of pride and every other thing they wanted to be. if they were going to be a nightmare, they were going to be one of their own making.

and this is where matthew comes in.

matthew was born william lavenza in a city no-one but sol remembers the name of after he'd destroyed the world it was on. his parents treated him like a slave and hated him with every inch of their being when he wasn't doing what they asked. even when still in preschool he knew this very, very well.

he met sol one day when he was seven. more specifically, he saw sol, physically six years old and wanting to live a life they'd never had as a child, order a spider to die for funsies and watched with great, great interest as it dropped dead.

he was hesitant to start talking to sol, but very quickly the both of them became friends. and it was the best thing both of them had ever experienced.

sol, however, had a very vindictive streak when it came to asshole parents. and they swiftly started to uncover matthew's as well. they made each other worse and worse and worse until one day, nine years old and very, very angry, matthew killed his parents where they stood.

and the blood sang to him.

not literally, of course. all blood can do is pool. but he felt the call of it like it had. he felt it as strongly as sol felt for the sun and the feel of drying someone to dust under their power. and he didn't want to hold back. so matthew, ah... got rid of the bodies.

he learned a taste for human flesh after that.

sol and matthew became terrifying. they left that universe and made it die together and travelled the multiverse to do it again and again and again. they lived a million lifetimes as monsters and nightmares and the terrors that thrived in the day and the night.

they stopped being alone partway through it, too. that didn't bode well for whatever world they found themselves in, but they had fun with it. they were joined by mike cinder and jeremy fen, a boy who'd become a flame demon and a water spirit barely passing as human. mike was tiny and constantly furious and loved harassing people until they snapped and he could hit back. jeremy was lazy and had a rivalry with matthew and treated mike like a little brother he could throw at people who annoyed him. they shared secrets and played games with one another and created the most reviled friendship group in the known universes: the chaos brigade.

(somewhere, in a universe with a number i can never remember, this group is filed scp-1799.)

they start getting complacent, though. comfortable, in their power and in their place and in their roles with each other. they start to forget there could be anything but this. they start to forget there could be anything less.

and then sol finds their younger brother, gabriel, and all bets are off.

sol goes on a sibling hunt. they're a little bored, really, of only having three people to be with day by day. they wouldn't give up matthew for the world, of course, but the other two? there's only so much that they can do. so sol finds some more people to add to their little brigade. gabriel, first, a nervous mess of a man who's got a heart both made of and desperate for gold. then his son dio. and coraline toragay and otome megumi. and then lepur.

... lepur thorne, while being fancy and rich and smiley and polite, is also a hedonistic prick who likes watching interpersonal drama. especially drama he's caused. and he absolutely hates sol, because sol's particular brand of drama is explosive and bright and violent, and by god is he going to destroy them.

he plays nice at first, of course. pretends to warm up to his sibling and get a place in the group. he even brings in a member of his own, one adam milton, an agent of the foundation sent to contain him who he seduced into switching sides. things are stable a little longer.

then he plants doubt.

it's already hard for mike and jeremy, since their quartet's suddenly been drastically expanded and they both just hate other people. coraline and otome drop out almost immediately when they realize lepur's starting shit. gabriel falls far too easily for lepur's tricks and gets distrustful on his own. and sol gets retaliative.

they start a fight.

it's on an empty world, thank god, but they and lepur just fucking go for it. try to tear out each other's eyes and hearts and magic and souls as painfully and destructively as possible. it's a rush of magic and snapped reality and gunfire and assault and it only ends when lepur pulls out one last resort.

see, the thorne family is only mostly immortal. mostly. there is only one way to kill them. and that is an invocation, kept hidden away and unfindable in death's own deepest dungeons. an invocation that lepur memorized.

so sol dies.

... almost.

lepur leaves a little early. and matthew finds them just in time.

and matthew is furious.

matthew, at this point, is powerful. and he's attached. and he's married to sol, too, for extra points to the rage meter. and even past that sol's the first friend he's ever had, the only person he wants to be with forever. he'd tear down worlds if it would help them.

that wouldn't help them, though, so he does the only thing he can do. he threatens to murder death with his own two hands if death doesn't fix this immediately.

death only agrees because he knows matthew would do it.

he doesn't fix it completely, though. because he'd much prefer sol dead, too. death is honestly just a terrible father here. so sol's left to fix the cracks in their magic and the psychological trauma on their own.

... they leave for another world. one they haven't burned and salted yet. matthew follows. they both let the multiverse believe that they're finally dead and try to make a life for themselves after everything they've destroyed.

and then o5-6 finds them. and they decide the foundation's a worthwhile place to start doing that.

[babemazzello]

Omg how’s that blushmis is discontinuing his story? What happened, her blog doesn’t work for me, it’s not loading and I know nothing omg please let me know what happened.

So…on Saturday at about 8pm, she posted Chapter 16.2 of her You’re my Best Friend series. I didn’t read the chapter until 10 and then I couldn’t sleep and stayed up texting a friend (which is why I was awake for this whole fiasco).

At midnight, she updated her book on Wattpad, adding a new chapter titled “it’s been real” that said,

“ymbf series and bohemian rhapsody book are discontinued and will be deleted sometime soon. thank you for reading

Fans of series started commenting and asking her why it was ending and pleading her not to give up on it (and I was doing this myself). A little while later, I messaged her with a long message that pleaded with her to continue the story, possibly take a break if hate is getting to her, and to think about what she is doing before she deletes everything. 

She thanked me for my support and replied with “Its just hard to stay motivated when hours of time is spent on something and then people talk shit about it. Its not very uplifting” That was at 1:15 in the morning.

I woke up at about 8:45 on Sunday morning and sent her another message pleading with her to remember the hundreds of people who loved her story and supported her and where everything was heading. I also told her that if she did stop writing her story and deleted everything, then the haters would win and that she was stronger than them. 

She replied, “I just don’t feel like sharing my story anymore”.

I asked her why.

She responded with, “because it’s not worth sharing anymore”.

Then, I started getting replies to my post about being devastated that the story was ending. One of them said that they couldn’t find anything after Chapter 13 on her blog. 

I went to look and as I refreshed the page multiple times, I realized that since early that morning she was deleting EVERYTHING off of her blog. The chapters to her stories (including Love of My Life which didn’t have much to do with YMBF), all of the asks whether they were about her writing or not, and every borhap or queen related post she had made or reblogged. Leaving her blog completely empty and unfindable with a simple search.

The blog is still there, but there isn’t anything on it. 

If there are writers anywhere on the internet and you send hate to them, you’re a dick. There are people who love that writing and if you don’t like it JUST STOP READING IT. That’s it. It’s that simple. Don’t make the author feel so bad that something like this happens. That’s NOT the point. It just sucks that this is what happens when people are given anonymity on the internet. Fuck them. This was such a good thing in a lot of people’s lives and now it’s taken away from the rest of us who respected her and the story. 

(I’m still super broken up about this if you couldn’t tell.)

[garywonghc]

Emptiness and Existence

by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

To generate the type of love and compassion that motivates you to seek buddhahood, not for yourself but for the sake of others, first you must confront suffering by identifying its types. This is the first noble truth. From the time we are born to the time we die we suffer mental and physical pain, the suffering of change, and pervasive suffering of uncontrolled conditioning. The second and third noble truths lead us to understand the causes of suffering and whether or not those causes can be removed. The fundamental cause of suffering is ignorance — the mistaken apprehension that living beings and objects inherently exist.

We all have a valid, proper sense of self, or “I,” but then we additionally have a misconception of that “I” as inherently existing. Under the sway of this delusion, we view the self as existing under its own power, established by way of its own nature, able to set itself up.

However, if there were such a separate I — self-established and existing in its own right — it should become clearer and clearer under the light of competent analysis as to whether it exists as either mind or body, or the collection of mind and body, or different from mind and body. In fact, the closer you look, the more it is not found. This turns out to be the case for everything, for all phenomena. The fact that you cannot find them means that those phenomena do not exist under their own power; they are not self-established.

Sometime during the early sixties when I was reflecting on a passage by Tsongkhapa [founder of the Gelugpa school to which the Dalai Lama belongs] about unfindability and the fact that phenomena are dependent on conceptuality, it was as if lightning coursed within my chest. Here is the passage:

A coiled rope’s speckled colour and coiling are similar to those of a snake, and when the rope is perceived in a dim area, the thought arises, “This is a snake.” As for the rope, at that time when it is seen to be a snake, the collection and parts of the rope are not even in the slightest way a snake. Therefore, that snake is merely set up by conceptuality.

In the same way, when the thought “I” arises in dependence upon mind and body, nothing within mind and body — neither the collection which is a continuum of earlier and later moments, nor the collection of the parts at one time, nor the separate parts, nor the continuum of any of the separate parts — is in even the slightest way the “I.” Also there is not even the slightest something that is a different entity from mind and body that is apprehendable as the “I.” Consequently, the “I” is merely set up by conceptuality in dependence upon mind and body; it is not established by way of its own entity.

The impact lasted for a while, and for the next few weeks whenever I saw people, they seemed like a magician’s illusions in that they appeared to inherently exist but I knew that they actually did not. That experience, which was like lightning in my heart, was most likely at a level below completely valid and incontrovertible realisation. This is when my understanding of the cessation of the afflictive emotions as a true possibility became real.

Nowadays I always meditate on emptiness in the morning and bring that experience into the day’s activities. Just thinking or saying “I,” as in “I will do such and such,” will often trigger the feeling. But still I cannot claim full understanding of emptiness.

A consciousness that conceives of inherent existence does not have a valid foundation. A wise consciousness, grounded in reality, understands that living beings and other phenomena — minds, bodies, buildings, and so forth — do not inherently exist. This is the wisdom of emptiness. Understanding reality exactly opposite to the misconception of inherent existence, wisdom gradually overcomes ignorance.

Remove the ignorance that misconceives phenomena to inherently exist and you prevent the generation of afflictive emotions like lust and hatred. Thus, in turn, suffering can also be removed. In addition, the wisdom of emptiness must be accompanied by a motivation of deep concern for others (and by the compassionate deeds it inspires) before it can remove the obstructions to omniscience, which are the predispositions for the false appearance of phenomena — even to sense consciousness — as if they inherently exist.

Therefore, full spiritual practice calls for cultivating wisdom in conjunction with great compassion and the intention to become enlightened in which others are valued more than yourself. Only then may your consciousness be transformed into the omniscience of a Buddha.

SELFLESSNESS

Both Buddhists and non-Buddhists practice meditation to achieve pleasure and get rid of pain, and in both Buddhist and non-Buddhist systems the self is a central object of scrutiny. Certain non-Buddhists who accept rebirth accept the transitory nature of mind and body, but they believe in a self that is permanent, changeless and unitary. Although Buddhist schools accept rebirth, they hold that there is no such solid self. For Buddhists, the main topic of the training in wisdom is emptiness, or selflessness, which means the absence of a permanent, unitary and independent self or, more subtly, the absence of inherent existence either in living beings or in other phenomena.

THE TWO TRUTHS

To understand selflessness, you need to understand that everything that exists is contained in two groups called the two truths: conventional and ultimate. The phenomena that we see and observe around us can go from good to bad, or bad to good, depending on various causes and conditions. Many phenomena cannot be said to be inherently good or bad; they are better or worse, tall or short, beautiful or ugly, only by comparison, not by way of their own nature. Their value is relative. From this you can see that there is a discrepancy between the way things appear and how they actually are. For instance, something may — in terms of how it appears — look good, but, due to its inner nature being different, it can turn bad once it is affected by conditions. Food that looks so good in a restaurant may not sit so well in your stomach. This is a clear sign of a discrepancy between appearance and reality.

These phenomena themselves are called conventional truths: they are known by consciousness that goes no further than appearances. But the same objects have an inner mode of being, called an ultimate truth, that allows for the changes brought about by conditions. A wise consciousness, not satisfied with mere appearances, analyses to find whether objects inherently exist as they seem to do but discovers their absence of inherent existence. It finds an emptiness of inherent existence beyond appearances.

EMPTY OF WHAT?

Emptiness, or selflessness, can only be understood if we first identify that of which phenomena are empty. Without understanding what is negated, you cannot understand its absence, emptiness.

You might think that emptiness means nothingness, but it does not. Merely from reading it is difficult to identify and understand the object of negation, what Buddhist texts speak of as true establishment or inherent existence. But over a period of time, when you add your own investigations to the reading, the faultiness of our usual way of seeing things will become clearer and clearer.

Buddha said many times that because all phenomena are dependently arisen, they are relative — their existence depends on other causes and conditions and depends on their own parts. A wooden table, for instance, does not exist independently; rather, it depends on a great many causes such as a tree, the carpenter who makes it, and so forth; it also depends upon its own parts. If a wooden table or any phenomenon really were not dependent — if it were established in its own right — then when you analyse it, its existence in its own right should become more obvious, but it does not.

This Buddhist reasoning is supported by science. Physicists today keep discovering finer and finer components of matter, yet they still cannot understand its ultimate nature. Understanding emptiness is even deeper.

The more you look into how an ignorant consciousness conceives phenomena to exist, the more you find that phenomena do not exist that way. However, the more you look into what a wise consciousness understands, the more you gain affirmation in the absence of inherent existence.

DO OBJECTS EXIST?

We have established that when any phenomenon is sought through analysis, it cannot be found. So you may be wondering whether these phenomena exist at all. However, we know from direct experience that people and things cause pleasure and pain, and that they can help and harm. Therefore, phenomena certainly do exist; the question is how? They do not exist in their own right, but only have an existence dependent upon many factors, including a consciousness that conceptualises them.

Once they exist but do not exist on their own, they necessarily exist in dependence upon conceptualisation. However, when phenomena appear to us, they do not at all appear as if they exist this way. Rather, they seem to be established in their own right, from the object’s side, without depending upon a conceptualising consciousness.

When training to develop wisdom, you are seeking through analysis to find the inherent existence of whatever object you are considering — yourself, another person, your body, your mind, or anything else. You are analysing not the mere appearance but the inherent nature of the object. Thus it is not that you come to understand that the object does not exist; rather, you find that its inherent existence is unfounded. Analysis does not contradict the mere existence of the object. Phenomena do indeed exist, but not in the way we think they do.

What is left after analysis is a dependently existent phenomenon. When, for example, you examine your own body, its inherent existence is negated, but what is left is a body dependent on four limbs, a trunk, and a head.

IF PHENOMENA ARE EMPTY, CAN THEY FUNCTION?

Whenever we think about objects, do we mistakenly believe that they exist in their own right? No. We can conceive of phenomena in three different ways. Let us consider a tree. There is no denying that it appears to inherently exist, but:

1. We could conceive of the tree as existing inherently, in its own right. 2. We could conceive of the tree as lacking inherent existence. 3. We could conceive of the tree without thinking that it inherently exists or not.

Only the first of those is wrong. The other two modes of apprehension are right, even if the mode of appearance is mistaken in the second and the third, in that the tree appears as if inherently existent.

If objects do not inherently exist, does this mean that they cannot function? Jumping to the conclusion that because the true nature of objects is emptiness, they are therefore incapable of performing functions such as causing pleasure or pain, or helping or harming, is the worst sort of misunderstanding, a nihilistic view. As the Indian scholar-yogi Nagarjuna says in his Precious Garland, a nihilist will certainly have a bad transmigration upon rebirth, whereas a person who believes, albeit wrongly, in inherent existence goes on to a good transmigration.

Allow me to explain. You need a belief in the consequences of actions to choose virtue in your life and discard nonvirtue. For the time being, the subtle view of the emptiness of inherent existence might be too difficult for you to understand without falling into the trap of nihilism, where you are unable to understand that phenomena arise in dependence on causes and conditions (dependent-arising). Then for the sake of your spiritual progress it would be better for now to set aside trying to penetrate emptiness. Even if you mistakenly believe that phenomena inherently exist, you can still develop an understanding of dependent-arising and apply it in practice. This is why even Buddha, on occasion, taught that living beings and other phenomena inherently exist. Such teachings are the thought of Buddha’s scriptures, but they are not his own final thought. For specific purposes, he sometimes spoke in nonfinal ways.

IN WHAT WAY IS CONSCIOUSNESS MISTAKEN?

Because all phenomena appear to exist in their own right, all of our ordinary perceptions are mistaken. Only when emptiness is directly realised during completely focused meditation is there no false appearance. At that time, the dualism of subject and object has vanished, as has the appearance of multiplicity; only emptiness appears. After you rise from that meditation, once again living beings and objects falsely appear to exist in and of themselves, but through the power of having realised emptiness, you will recognise the discrepancy between appearance and reality. Through meditation you have identified both the false mode of appearance and the false mode of apprehension.

Let us return to the central point: All of us have a sense of “I” but we need to realise that it is only designated in dependence upon mind and body. The selflessness that Buddhists speak of refers to the absence of a self that is permanent, partless, and independent, or, more subtly, it can refer to the absence of inherent existence of any phenomenon. However, Buddhists do value the existence of a self that changes from moment to moment, designated in dependence upon the continuum of mind and body. All of us validly have this sense of “I.” When Buddhists speak of the doctrine of selflessness, we are not referring to the nonexistence of this self. With this “I,” all of us rightfully want happiness and do not want suffering. It is when we exaggerate our sense of ourselves and other phenomena to mean something inherently existent that we get drawn into many, many problems.

SUMMARY FOR DAILY PRACTICE

As an exercise in identifying how objects and beings falsely appear, try the following:

1. Observe how an item such as a watch appears in a store when you first notice it, then how its appearance changes and becomes even more concrete as you become more interested in it, and finally how it appears after you have bought it and consider it yours.

2. Reflect on how you yourself appear to your mind as if inherently existent. Then reflect on how others and their bodies appear to your mind.

[swshadowcouncil]

The Definitive “The Last Jedi” Case for Rey Skywalker – Movie Analysis Round Table

Written by: robotical712, Josey, Needs_More_Sprinkles, HypersonicHarpist

While some of you have already read this on our main blog, we thought it would be a good idea to post this in full here. This is an explanation of why the real parentage reveal of The Last Jedi is not Rey Nobody, but Rey Skywalker. 

For a full explanation of the interpretation we’re using, go here.

Part of our analysis of The Last Jedi. Please share widely!

And here we go!

Luke takes the saber and stares at it for several seconds and then stares at Rey for several more before tossing it over his shoulder and walking away.

Robotical712: This scene is edited to avoid overwriting Luke’s expression from TFA. We don’t see his face until after he’s holding the saber. It does, however, change Rey’s expression and move her to where Luke can physically reach the saber.

The pauses are interesting and give the impression that Luke is trying to make up his mind about something. For our proposed interpretation, he likely knows or strongly suspects who she is immediately (HypersonicHarpist has also come up with a variant where he doesn’t recognize her immediately and will be presenting it soon), but the appearance of the Skywalker legacy saber reminds him of how much he and the rest of the family have suffered from their legacy. Not wanting that for his daughter, he decides it’s best if she doesn’t learn who he is, her heritage or to pursue the Jedi path that he thinks led the family to ruin (he’s about to perform the rite to end the Jedi Order per the Visual Dictionary). From his perspective, she has the chance to live a life free of the pain the rest of the family has suffered. So, Luke initially tries to get her to leave by being incredibly rude.

Josey: The shot of Luke’s hands – including his bare mechanical hand – taking the saber from Rey’s is, we argue, profoundly symbolic. You might recall that the originally-conceived opening shot of TFA was of Luke’s severed hand, legacy saber in its grasp, floating through space. That saber represents not just the Skywalker family but a part of Luke, himself. Moreover, Luke’s uncovered (and damaged) mechanical hand represents the severe damage to his psyche Luke has experienced. The saber handoff, we argue, symbolizes the return of the missing Skywalker child, Luke’s daughter.

Sprinkles: As will probably come up in a number of our writings, close ups of hands in TLJ only occur between characters with long-standing, intimate existing relationships–except for those between Rey and Kylo, and Rey and Luke. The close-ups are unusual for the cinematographic style of Star Wars, and occur noticeably frequently throughout the film, indicating that they are meant to stand out and be meaningful. We later find out that Rey and Kylo’s connection can be explained by a Force bond (or can it?), but are granted no description of a close relationship existing between Luke and Rey. So why the two close-ups of their hands at significant moments in the plot?

Rey: Master Skywalker? Master Skywalker? I’m from the Resistance. Your sister Leia sent me. We need your help. Hello? (KNOCKING) Luke: Go away. (CHEWIE GROWLS) Chewie, what are you doing here? Rey: He said you’re coming back with us. Luke: How did you find me? Rey: Long story. We’ll tell you on the Falcon. Luke: Falcon? (CHEWIE GROWLS SOFTLY) Luke: Wait. Where’s Han?

R: Luke’s interaction with Chewie and reaction to hearing about the Falcon is our first major cue that his treatment of Rey is unique. Rey’s invocation of Leia’s name doesn’t move him, but the appearance of Chewie does (along with the mention of the Falcon).

S: I also recall the trailer with Luke’s “hey, watch the language” line spurring a lot of excitement leading up to TLJ because of how much it sounded like “the old Luke.” In fact, in his interactions with just about everybody but Rey, he talks more or less like he did at 23. His behavior around Rey is conspicuously an act (just look at how he tries to gross her out with that green milk!), which could be attributed to her being a stranger, but is also clearly targeted specifically at scaring her, and only her, away.

(Hux and Snoke talk.) Snoke: You wonder why I keep a rabid cur in such a place of power? A cur’s weakness, properly manipulated, can be a sharp tool. How’s your wound?

R: In both villains’ very first scene we see Snoke telling Kylo to find a person’s weakness and use it against them. This is crucial, as it’s the backdrop of everything both do throughout the rest of the movie. Snoke even ruthlessly demonstrates its use against Kylo in the rest of the scene.

S: The interesting thing about this line is that Hux’s supposed “weakness” is never really addressed or explored beyond its mention here. What exactly is Snoke referring to, and why? The line only makes sense if it’s meant to refer to something else in the film’s plot.

Kylo: It’s nothing. Snoke: Hmm. The mighty Kylo Ren. When I found you, I saw what all masters live to see. Raw, untamed power. And beyond that, something truly special. The potential of your bloodline. A new Vader. Now I fear I was mistaken.

R: Snoke specifically targeted the grandson of Vader for his heritage (the Visual Dictionary mentions Snoke believed only someone from the Skywalker bloodline could challenge Luke). The movie makes a point of it being more of a curse than a gift. Anakin and Ben were respectively targeted because of who they were by masters of the dark side while Leia lost everything after her parentage became public (as shown in Bloodline). Everyone hates or wants to use the Skywalkers and it destroyed the family over three generations.

R: Side notes: Snoke’s mention of the Skywalker bloodline alongside the raw power, suggests there is something particularly unique about it. We also know Snoke went after Ben early, indicating he knew the Skywalker relationship with Vader long before it became public.

J: Note how Snoke speaks of “the potential of [Kylo’s] bloodline” versus Kylo’s “raw power.” The “raw power” is great, but something “all masters live to see. Kylo’s bloodline is “beyond” “raw power” – indeed, it is “something truly special.” So it appears that what makes Kylo valued by Snoke is not primarily Kylo’s power but specifically something about his bloodline distinct from power. Indeed, this is touched on in Snoke’s dialogue with Kylo in a scene in the TFA adult novelization: Snoke values Kylo particularly because of “what [he’s] made of, where [he] come[s] from.”

Kylo: I’ve given everything I have to you. To the dark side. Snoke: Take that ridiculous thing off. Yes, there it is. You have too much of your father’s heart in you, young Solo.

R: Note the idea of Kylo having ‘too much of his father in him’. Keep that in mind during  Rey’s storyline in the second half of the film (and the first part really).

Kylo: I killed Han Solo. When the moment came, I didn’t hesitate.

J: Oh, Kylo hesitated alright. The bridge scene and JJ’s Blu-Ray commentary on same made this clear. And yet Kylo appears to believe that what he’s telling Snoke is true. This disparity between what Kylo perceived and the reality of the event signals that Kylo’s perceptions cannot be trusted.

S: Even if Kylo is lying, and knows in reality he did hesitate, this is yet another example of Kylo saying one thing when another thing is true. He is set up as an unreliable source of information from the very beginning.

Snoke: And look at you, the deed split your spirit to the bone. You were unbalanced, bested by a girl who had never held a lightsaber! You failed! Skywalker lives. The seed of the Jedi Order lives. And as long as it does, hope lives in the galaxy. I thought you would be the one to snuff it out. Alas, you’re no Vader. You’re just a child in a mask.

R: The consistent use of ‘Skywalker’ throughout the film is interesting. While Snoke is obviously referring to Luke here, the scene can also be interpreted as referring to Rey at the same time. So long as the Skywalkers live, the Jedi Order could return.

As a side note, Snoke’s manipulation backfires here. He likely intends it to encourage Kylo to prove him wrong (this comes up later), but instead, Kylo appears to abandon taking up his grandfather’s legacy as a goal.

J: “Seed of the Jedi Order” is an unusual phrasing. “Seed” is also an archaic term for “biological child.”

Snoke equates Kylo’s loss to Rey and inability to kill her to a failure to “snuff [hope] out” – Luke Skywalker lives, as does Rey.

Rey: There’s no light left in Kylo Ren. He’s only getting stronger. The First Order will control all the major systems within weeks. We need your help. We need the Jedi Order back. We need Luke Skywalker. Luke: You don’t need Luke Skywalker. Rey: Did you hear a word I just said? Luke: You think what? I’m gonna walk out with a laser sword and face down the whole First Order? What did you think was going to happen here? You think that I came to the most unfindable place in the galaxy for no reason at all? Go away.

R: Luke continues to blow off Rey. His last comment is amusing considering how many of us wanted him to do just that.

J: Luke’s words appear to be meta commentary on the common post-TFA belief that Luke’s situation and Rey’s task to bring him back are straightforward propositions.

Rey refuses to give up and we see him doing various daily activities while he ignores her.

R: Luke pointedly refuses to acknowledge Rey in these scenes, but he does give her occasional glances. It’s also amusing they’re trying to out-stubborn each other.

Rey is drawn to the Jedi texts by the Force.

R: Again we see Luke isn’t completely ignoring her and turns to watch what she does as soon as he realizes she is no longer following him.

S: He wants to get her off his trail–to keep her from getting close to him–but is still curious who she is. He’s clearly been waiting for a chance to have a better look at her, and the observation makes him compelled to approach and interrogate her as to who she really is, and why she’s really there. Any chance she reminds him of someone…?

Luke: Who are you? Rey: I know this place. Luke: Built a thousand generations ago to keep these. The original Jedi texts. Just like me, they’re the last of the Jedi religion. You’ve seen this place. You’ve seen this island. Rey: (WHISPERING) Only in dreams. Luke: Who are you? Rey: The Resistance sent me. Luke: They sent you? What’s special about you? Where are you from? Rey: Nowhere. Luke: No one’s from nowhere. Rey: Jakku. Luke: All right, that is pretty much nowhere. Why are you here, Rey, from nowhere?

R: This is the first time either Luke or Rey has mentioned Rey’s name on-screen. It’s impossible to tell if Luke stating it first is accidental or deliberate. If we assume Rey told him it offscreen, then Luke’s questions are obviously far more personal.

J: Luke is asking the same questions RJ knows the audience has been asking about Rey since TFA. Rey’s evasiveness may, in part, be meta as well.

S: Another callback to TFA–Rey has seen the island in dreams before. Prior to TLJ, Rey Skywalker skeptics argued that this was simply the Force giving her a premonition of where her journey would one day take her. But little actually happens to Rey on the island. She receives no real training, learns no answers about her family, and does nothing of consequence but saving the books (which wouldn’t have been in danger if her departure hadn’t made Luke decide to destroy them). The dreams also parallel Luke’s vision in ESB of a “city in the clouds,” the sight of which leads him to realize that Han and Leia are there, and in danger. Based on narrative logic and canonical precedent, it makes most sense that Rey is drawn to the island because Luke is there.

Rey: The Resistance sent me. We need your help. The First Order’s become unstoppable. Luke: Why are you here? Rey: Something inside me has always been there. But now it’s awake. And I’m afraid. I don’t know what it is or what to do with it. And I need help.

R: And here we see our first real exchange between Luke and Rey. Luke asks all sorts of questions about Rey personally, even when she tries evade and steer the conversation to the Resistance. Luke’s swing from indifference to taking a strong interest in her personally is strange on the surface. However, it does make sense from the standpoint Luke knows or strongly suspects he knows who she is and is trying to figure out what she knows about herself. He intervenes here because he’s concerned about what she might learn from the Force itself or if she stays too long.

J: Rey is essentially describing the confusion of adolescence (which period of life RJ has expressly compared TLJ to). More than a Jedi Master, Rey needs a parental figure to help her figure out how to navigate this part of growing up.

Note the use and repetition of the word “need” in TLJ’s dialogue. It appears to be used with both positive and negative connotations. Rey, we are told repeatedly, needs her parents. This need is, in a way, a crutch that she must learn to do without. But this need is also a perfectly legitimate desire.

HypersonicHarpist: This scene is also particularly important because it divorces Rey’s needs from the needs of the Resistance.  The Resistance needs Luke Skywalker to come back and help them in their fight against the First Order.  Rey wants to help them because they are her friends, but ultimately she needs something more than that from Luke.

Luke: You need a teacher. I can’t teach you. Rey: Why not? I’ve seen your daily routine. You’re not busy. Luke: I will never train another generation of Jedi. I came to this island to die. It’s time for the Jedi to end. Rey: Why? Leia sent me here with hope. If she was wrong, she deserves to know why. We all do.

R: His curiosity satisfied, Luke redirects the conversation away from Rey personally. He may well know what she’s really after, but steers the conversation to the obvious topic and dismisses it.

J: Luke’s reaction is oddly indifferent to Rey’s emotional plea.

S: Given Yoda’s admonition to Luke–that he has missed “the need under his nose”–one would think that any declaration Luke makes about what Rey “needs” or “doesn’t need” should be taken with a grain of salt.

Luke goes to the Falcon and meets Artoo where they have a short conversation – alone.

R: This conversation makes Luke’s treatment of Rey even starker. He sounds exactly like the Luke we remember from the OT, if a bit mopey.

Artoo replays Leia’s message from A New Hope.

R: Luke is reminded of how his path towards the Jedi started. Based on our interpretation, it’s possible he realized she’s going to explore her powers one way or another and tries to dissuade her from pursuing the Jedi as he did.

Another key point here is Rey herself did not convince him of anything, Artoo did – on the surface.

J: One of the TLJ children’s books suggests that Luke changes his mind for Leia’s sake

Rey: (GASPS) Luke: Tomorrow at dawn. Three lessons. I will teach you the ways of the Jedi and why they need to end.

R: Even after Luke agrees to help Rey a little, his interactions are brusque and impersonal – as though he’s keeping both of them from getting attached. The scene transition serves to maximize the contrast in behavior.

J: In the Star Wars movies, “learning the ways of the Force” has always been a metaphor for growing up and maturing. However, Luke tells Rey that he will teach her “the ways of the Jedi.” Luke appears to be deliberately remaining emotionally distant, but – as Yoda later points out – he doesn’t appear to understand the role Rey needs him to play in her life.

Finn meets Rose and Poe sends them to disable the hyperspace tracker.

Rey and Kylo’s first ‘Force Skype’ session. Rey ‘shoots’ Kylo.

Kylo: You’ll bring Luke Skywalker to me. You’re not doing this. The effort would kill you. Can you see my surroundings? Rey: You’re gonna pay for what you did! Kylo: I can’t see yours. Just you. So, no. This is something else.

R: Snoke claims this connection is his doing, but the final session takes place after his death which rather suggests it isn’t.

J: “I can’t see yours. Just you.” may be subtle meta regarding Kylo’s focus shifting from Luke to Rey.

S: Remember that the “mysterious bond” between Rey and Kylo was first discovered (not formed, discovered) in a scene where both of them were at their most hostile towards each other. In other words, not only does the bond exist before Snoke’s meddling, it’s also a bond that exists even in the face of mutual hatred. Rey and Kylo are attached by something that has nothing to do with their personal feelings towards each other, positive or negative, and it’s something that existed before they (ostensibly) ever met each other. Sounds an awful lot like family to me.

Rey: Master Skywalker, we need you to bring the Jedi back because Kylo Ren is strong with the dark side of the Force. Without the Jedi, we won’t stand a chance against him. Luke: What do you know about the Force? Rey: It’s a power that Jedi have that lets them control people and make things float. Luke: Impressive. Every word in that sentence was wrong. Lesson one, sit here, legs crossed. The Force is not a power you have. It’s not about lifting rocks. It’s the energy between all things, a tension, a balance, that binds the universe together.

R: Sidenote: I’ve noticed people saying this is a new interpretation. It isn’t. This has been what ‘balance’ has meant since the prequels. This is just the first time the equivalence between it and the Force itself was made explicit.

J: The apparently deliberate irony is that, at the end, it is in part about “lifting rocks.”

Luke’s words give us what may be our first real insight into what “balance” means in the GFFA – a “tension,” likely between light and dark. At first blush, this is reminiscent of the Hindu Trinity of the Creator, the Destroyer, and the Preserver.

Luke gives lesson 1.

Rey: Can you feel that? There’s something else beneath the island. A place. A dark place.

Luke: Balance. Powerful light, powerful darkness.

Rey: It’s cold. It’s calling me.

Luke: Resist it, Rey. Rey? Rey!

Rey breaks the rock they’re on and snaps out of it.

Luke: You went straight to the dark. Rey: That place was trying to show me something. Luke: It offered something you needed. And you didn’t even try to stop yourself.

R: If Luke wasn’t sure of who she was before, he should be now. Incidentally, if Luke is closed off from the Force, how does he know Rey went straight to the dark?

J: “It offered something you needed” – apparently, the identity of her parents, but also, possibly, her “place in all this.” R: The dark side: quicker, easier, more seductive.

S: Every source of information about Rey’s parentage in this film is somehow corrupted by the Dark side. The mirror cave that dashes her hopes of finding them is a center of Dark side energy, according to the Visual Dictionary, and of course, Kylo Ren’s ties to the Dark side go without saying. Remember that in RotJ, Lucas had Yoda confirm that Vader was Luke’s father, because he felt that otherwise the audience (especially children) wouldn’t have believed it coming from a villain. Perhaps he was onto something.

Rey: But I didn’t see you. Nothing from you. You’ve closed yourself off from the Force. Of course you have.

HypersonicHarpist: The Force is often connected to feelings (“reach out with your feelings.” “search your feelings.”)  Luke isn’t letting himself feel with the Force, this is likely emblematic of him cutting himself off emotionally as well.  Rey senses nothing from him and he behaves in a callous way toward her because he is deliberately keeping his emotions walled off.

J: Rey’s words are also meta commentary on how Luke has walled himself off from her (R: and everything else)emotionally (“Nothing from you”).

Luke: I’ve seen this raw strength only once before, in Ben Solo. It didn’t scare me enough then. It does now.

R: Luke’s response here is important. Every time his resolve starts to weaken and he gets closer to Rey, something happens that reinforces it. Here it’s seeing his daughter has inherited the full power of the Skywalker bloodline and it terrifies it.

Love it or hate it, the Prequel Trilogy established the Skywalkers are descended from the Force itself and therefore have a unique position in the setting and narrative justification for their powers. If we assume the surface read, Rey has the equivalent powers of someone descended from the Force itself without any justification within the lore.

S: And Rey being Kylo’s counterpart in the Light doesn’t cut it–if every powerful Dark sider has a Light sider custom-made to counterbalance them, who was Vader’s? Luke? Strange coincidence that his equal just happened to be his own son. And when Vader died, was Kylo born to counteract Luke inversely? The whole thing opens up a confusing, inconsistent can of worms that would be far more easily and satisfyingly solved by just saying “Rey and Ben are the only two grandchildren of Anakin Skywalker, and they share the power he passed down to them, Rey in the Light side and Ben in the Dark.”

Finn and Rose on Canto Bight.

Rey practices with the staff and then the lightsaber.

R: He watches her for a few seconds with a sad expression and then turns just before Rey notices him and watches him leave with a puzzled expression.

J: Throughout their scenes together, Rey often seems confused by Luke’s actions and reactions. In this way, she is an audience proxy – If Luke’s behavior and attitude in TLJ feel a bit odd, even considering what happened with Ben, it probably should.

Luke: Lesson two. Now that they’re extinct, the Jedi are romanticized, deified. But if you strip away the myth and look at their deeds, the legacy of the Jedi is failure. Hypocrisy, hubris.

Rey: That’s not true.

Luke: At the height of their powers, they allowed Darth Sidious to rise, create the Empire, and wipe them out. It was a Jedi Master who was responsible for the training and creation of Darth Vader.

Rey: And a Jedi who saved him. Yes, the most hated man in the galaxy. But you saw there was conflict inside him. You believed that he wasn’t gone. That he could be turned.

R: Luke’s bitterness is palpable and very personal. He blames the ways of the Jedi for leading his family to ruin repeatedly over three generations. By our interpretation, he’s trying to dissuade his daughter from following that path.

Note Rey recounts what made Luke a legend. This sets up her following the same path later in the film (it reminds the audience of what Luke did).

J: The legacy Luke speaks of is, however, not his own, as evidenced by the man we see in Legends of Luke Skywalker.

Luke: And I became a legend. For many years, there was balance and then I saw Ben. My nephew with that mighty Skywalker blood. And in my hubris, I thought I could train him, I could pass on my strengths. Han was Han about it, but… Leia trusted me with her son. I took him, and a dozen students, and began a training temple. By the time I realized I was no match for the darkness rising in him, it was too late.

R: This entire section of dialog is incredibly loaded. First, note the sarcastic mention of the ‘mighty Skywalker blood’. Again, our attention is drawn to having Skywalker blood being more of a curse than a gift. He also mentions passing on his strengths to Ben, which is also something a parent does for their child (and Rey later demonstrates she inherited all of Luke’s strengths). However, as we learn in Bloodline, Luke and Leia did not pass on the lesson of the failure of Vader, allowing Snoke to capitalize on the family’s weaknesses.

Second, Luke’s timeline is interesting here. What does Luke mean there was balance until he saw Ben? Was balance disrupted before Ben started training? What does ‘Han was Han about it’ mean? We know Leia sent Ben to Luke because Snoke was influencing him early. The passage suggests Luke didn’t know about or sense the rising darkness in Ben until close to his fall. This is odd to say the least and suggests a sort of blindness on Luke’s part by the time he started training.

Third, one of Luke’s defining qualities is his humility. Blaming himself for hubris sounds like self-deprecation and is likely unjustified.

Rey: What happened? Luke: I went to confront him. And he turned on me. (Vision where Luke doesn’t have his saber drawn) Luke: He must have thought I was dead. When I came to, the temple was burning. He had vanished with a handful of my students. And slaughtered the rest. Leia blamed Snoke, but it was me. I failed. Because I was Luke Skywalker. Jedi Master. A legend.

R: It’s subtle, but there is a major indication something was seriously wrong with Luke at this point. Ben wasn’t the only student who turned. Luke had already lost several of his students to the dark side and didn’t notice until they turned on him.

The revelation Luke is deliberately omitting key information later on (J: “lying by omission”) should make the audience wonder what else he’s omitting.

R: Sidenote: Ben looks like he’s in his late teens here, which is younger than Bloodline suggests. (HH: But Ben looks like he’s in his early 20s when he’s 30 in the Sequel trilogy so it could just be that he’s always looked young for his age.)

S: That being said, the Art of TLJ book shows renderings of Ben’s costume in this scene that clearly depict a teenage boy, in the 16-17 range. There could be interesting ramifications to us finding out that one of the most crucial pieces of evidence in all this–the accepted timeline–is incorrect.

R: Keeping Ben’s fall from Leia for years would require the collusion of Luke and Han to keep it from her.

Rey: The galaxy may need a legend. I need someone to show me my place in all this. And you didn’t fail Kylo. Kylo failed you. I won’t.

J: Again, the word “need,” and a distinction between what the galaxy needs and what Rey herself needs. R: Rey isn’t looking for a teacher, she’s looking for a mentor, a parent. J: A father. Recall, from TFA: “Han Solo…you feel he’s the father you never had.”

Rose and Finn find DJ. Luke reconnects to the Force. Leia: Luke. Luke: Leia.

R: The timing of Luke’s reconnection is odd. It doesn’t appear to be precipitated by any of the preceding events. He just reconnects.

S: This also likely originally followed the scene where Rey angrily confronts Luke, telling him how much the legend of Luke Skywalker meant to her. Any way you slice it, the only possible precipitating event you can ascribe this decision to is an interaction with Rey.

Rey: I’d rather not do this now. Kylo: Yeah, me, too. Rey: Why did you hate your father? Do you have something, a cowl or something you could put on?

R: I’m honestly curious how people found ‘sexual tension’ in this scene. It just felt uncomfortable and Rey’s reaction reflected that.

J: Shirtless scenes involving a female observer tend to be litmus tests for where the relationship is being taken. Here, Rey’s reaction is more of a ticked-off sibling than that of a prospective love interest (HH: which perhaps explains why many general audience members not steeped in canon left The Last Jedi wondering if Rey and Kylo were in fact siblings).  

S: Yeah, as with so much of these moments, I get on paper how people could see sexual tension, but was amazed at how little I perceived watching it myself. To be honest, it felt like a little wink-wink “for the ladies” moment more than anything else. If the novelization gets published and we get three paragraphs describing Rey gazing longingly at Kylo’s weird oily refrigerator body, maybe we can reassess.

Rey: Why did you hate your father? Give me an honest answer. You had a father who loved you, he gave a damn about you. Kylo: I didn’t hate him.

R: Kylo’s declaration that he didn’t hate his father is a pretty big deal. If his desire to be rid of his past was not antipathy towards his family, then what was it?

S: It’s easy to forget how cryptic Kylo is in many of his lines about himself and his past. His statements in TFA about wanting to be “free of this pain” are especially enigmatic. It really does seem like he’s tap dancing around something bigger that’s going on with him, and a guilt-inducing memory from the past would explain a lot of his words and behavior over both films.

R: Having the root of all of Kylo’s guilt stem from his complicity in Rey’s disappearance would certainly give her leverage no one else has. She would be his first victim and the one most important to unraveling Kylo’s spiral.

Rey: Then why? Kylo: Why what? Why what? Say it. Rey: Why did you… Why did you kill him? (SOBS) I don’t understand. Kylo: No? Your parents threw you away like garbage. Rey: They didn’t! Kylo: They did. But you can’t stop needing them. It’s your greatest weakness. Looking for them everywhere, in Han Solo, now in Skywalker. Did he tell you what happened that night?

R: This is an important point, Kylo understands what Rey needs, because he feels the same need. Whereas it’s preventing Rey from finding her own identity, it’s driving Kylo to try to rid himself of it. It’s probable Kylo even did the same thing he says Rey is doing, looked for guidance from his father and then uncle. Under our interpretation, Rey is unknowingly inverting that.

Also note Kylo just told Rey her parents threw her away before the vision where he ostensibly saw it. He knows Rey’s greatest fear is that her parents didn’t love her, and he is exploiting it to the fullest.

S: He also uses the same manipulation tactic in this scene that he does in the parental reveal scene. “Say it! Say it! Go ahead!” This pressure he places upon Rey to say the things he wants to hear does not set up a dynamic of healthy, open, honest communication between the two.

Rey: Yes. Kylo: No. He had sensed my power, as he senses yours. And he feared it.

R: Side Note: Kylo had no way to know why Luke nearly attacked him.

S: Again, Kylo takes what he knows of a situation and (understandably) spins it into the worst possible interpretation of events. We’ve already seen Rey misinterpret a vision of Kylo in the most optimistic possible way–it would make sense for Kylo to interpret whatever he sees in Rey’s mind in the most painful and discouraging.

Rey: Liar. Kylo: Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. That’s the only way to become what you were meant to be.

R: While Kylo continues to talk about leaving the past behind, he betrays his utter fixation on it. The only reason to seek out and destroy people and things from one’s past is in the misguided belief that will somehow get rid of emotions associated with them. As he discovers with his father, it only adds more pain and makes the hole even bigger.

J: Interestingly enough, a key message much of the TLJ audience seems to have taken away from TLJ is that RJ followed Kylo’s advice here. But Kylo is both the villain and terribly misguided.

Rey goes down to cave and falls in. Female Voice: Rey?

R: There are two instances of a woman calling her name, presumably her mother. Their inclusion is important to remember during the ‘reveal’ later in the film. They do not suggest someone who didn’t care about her daughter.

(FINGERS SNAPPING) Rey: I should have felt trapped or panicked. But I didn’t. This didn’t go on forever, I knew it was leading somewhere. And that, at the end, it would show me what I came to see.

J: Rey’s voiceover is heavily meta commentary of the ST’s parentage mystery. But it’s also, arguably, commentary on what Rey sees at the end of her mirror “vision.”

Female Voice: Rey. Rey: Let me see them. My parents, please. I thought I’d find answers here. I was wrong. I’d never felt so alone.

R: The mirror scene is the exact midpoint of the movie and understanding it is crucial to unlocking the rest of the movie. Here, Rey continues to look for someone to tell her who she is, but the mirror, being a mirror, can only reflect what’s inside of her (what she takes with her). J: In this way, the mirror cave is just like the Dagobah cave in ESB.

J: Much has, understandably, been made of the three shadows Rey sees in the mirror. Notably, the two fuzzy walking shadow figures merge into a more distinct (not-Rey) third figure before the image dissolves into Rey herself.

J: Some have suggested that one of the figures is Kylo, but the height differential is too “off,” both with regards to the taller walker shadow vs the (presumably female) shorter walking shadow, and with regards to the third shadow figure vs Rey herself. (R: To me, the shadow on the right before the merge looks and walks like RotJ Luke.)

S: Why did Rey think she’d find answers about her parents on Ahch-To? Weren’t we supposed to take her at face value when she told Luke she was only there to be taught how to handle her newfound powers? Rey’s sudden fixation on finding out her parents’ specific identities only makes sense if something has transpired between the end of TFA and the beginning of TLJ to bring the issue to the forefront of her mind. A shocking rejection by a man she thought was her father might just fit the bill.

Kylo: You’re not alone. Rey: Neither are you.

R: Pushing Rey away has backfired and Luke pushed her right into the arms of Kylo, the only person who seems to understand what she’s looking for.

J: Kylo removes his glove before reaching out his hand to Rey. Hand symbolism is extremely common in stories, and a character removing his gloves indicates sincerity. The fingers touching represents a moment of genuine connection between Rey and Kylo.

S: The infamous hand scene! Again, I understand why some people saw this as a romantic moment, but the focus for me seemed to be predominantly on how strong their bond, whatever type of bond it may be, was through the Force–almost a simultaneous moment of “let’s see if we’re connected enough to actually make physical contact.” The use of the Force Theme underscores this. Interestingly enough, this theme plays in nearly every scene in the saga where two Skywalkers have important discussions about their family, a nod to how intimately connected their lineage is to the Force itself.

Shot of Luke looking panicked. Luke: Rey?

R: An important scene. Luke is completely panicked and seems to believe Rey is in trouble. This is the first time we’ve seen concern about her from him.

Rey: It isn’t too late. Luke: Stop!

R: Luke sees Kylo Ren, destroys the hut and then sees Kylo wasn’t actually there. The scene follows Luke reconnecting and is the first time Luke sees Kylo during one of his and Rey’s sessions. Some of the only times we see Luke lose control is when someone he loves is threatened.

Rey: Is it true? Did you try to murder him? Luke: Leave this island now!

R: Pay attention to how Luke says that line. Luke immediately switches back to his previous attitude and demeanor towards Rey. The change from extreme concern for Rey to the point of reacting violently to a perceived threat to sounding irritable and impersonal strongly suggests the latter is an act.

The big question here is why Luke now wants her to leave after being terrified for her wellbeing only moments before. Regardless of their relationship, having her leave after seeing she’s getting dangerously close to Kylo makes no rational sense. By our interpretation, it looks as though Luke was losing the ability to maintain his facade, but seeing her with Kylo brings, not only his prior fears of turning his daughter into Vader, but also fears about how she’s affecting him and is making him vulnerable to the dark side. Luke isn’t behaving rationally because he’s in complete emotional turmoil.

S: Yep, a sort of baffling moment. Luke already took the blame for Kylo’s fall, so it’s not as though he would care if Rey, a random girl he’d agreed to teach, blamed him for it. Unless, of course, he felt he was building towards a better relationship with her, and became frightened that this new information would shatter that.

Rey: Stop. Stop! Rey: Did you do it? Did you create Kylo Ren? Luke and Rey fight. Rey: Tell me the truth.

R: For the record, Rey’s violent and righteous anger towards Luke on behalf of a man she’s largely hated up until a few minutes before feels a little forced.

Luke: I saw darkness. I’d sensed it building in him. I’d seen it in moments during his training. But then I looked inside, and it was beyond what I ever imagined. (LIGHTSABERS CLASHING) (DISTANT SCREAMING)

R: To my ears it sounds like lightsabers clashing, one male warcry and and a single adult female scream.

S: Much has been made of how Luke, a man who forgave even Darth Vader, would never act so violently in response to the darkness he saw in Kylo, but damn, if what he saw made him react like that, I’m inclined to trust his judgment that it was B-A-D.

Luke: Snoke had already turned his heart. He would bring destruction, and pain, and death, and the end of everything I love because of what he will become. And for the briefest moment of pure instinct, I thought I could stop it. (Flashback with Luke holding an activated saber this time.) It passed like a fleeting shadow. And I was left with shame, and with consequence. And the last thing I saw were the eyes of a frightened boy whose master had failed him.

R: Leia intimates the reason she sent Ben to Luke was because of the darkness she sensed in him. Yet Luke, a trained Jedi Master, was largely oblivious to it. The deep familial connection was what allowed Luke to turn Vader, how did he fail to develop one with his nephew? That, coupled with several students joining Ben in the destruction of the temple, suggest something was already very wrong with Luke. We actually see something similar happen in Dark Disciple. Asajj Ventress senses the darkness within Quinlan Vos because of their Force bond born of love when the Jedi who’ve known Vos for years cannot.

J: A key element of the flashback is the prominence of Luke’s bare mechanical hand. This strongly suggests that at the time of this event, Luke was emotionally damaged. Also of note is that what Luke saw, and his reaction, appears to be the inverse of him saving his father at the end of RotJ.

Rey: You failed him by thinking his choice was made. It wasn’t. There’s still conflict in him.  If he were turned from the dark side, that could shift the tide. This could be how we win. Luke: This is not going to go the way you think. Rey: It is. Just now, when we touched hands, I saw his future. As solid as I’m seeing you. If I go to him, Ben Solo will turn. Luke: Rey, don’t do this. Rey: Then he’s our last hope.

HH: This is a reference to the conversation between Luke, Obi-Wan, and Yoda in Empire Strikes Back where Obi-Wan and Yoda try to persuade Luke not to run off to save Han and Leia.  Luke tries to persuade Rey not to go but Rey runs off anyway, just like Luke did. Rey’s line “Then he’s our last hope” should call to mind Obi-Wan’s line “That boy is our only hope” and Yoda’s line that follows directly after “No, there is another.”

R: Note the symbolism of Luke declining the Skywalker saber. He still isn’t ready to accept his family’s legacy. Rey, unknowingly, takes it up when her father won’t.

This is Luke and Rey’s last interaction for the rest of the film and if we look at the surface of the film, their relationship went nowhere and Rey had little direct impact on Luke (who’s been keeping her at arm’s length the entire movie). Rey went from bewildered to alienated and leaves on a bad note.

J: Luke’s second refusal of the saber is also, in essence, his second rejection of her, or, perhaps, his rejection of the role he must play in her life. This idea is later evoked during Luke’s exchange with Yoda.

Luke: Master Yoda. Yoda: Young Skywalker. Luke: I’m ending all of this. The tree, the text, the Jedi. I’m gonna burn it down. Yoda: Hmm. (LAUGHING) Ah, Skywalker. Missed you, have I. Yoda calls down lightning and ignites the tree when Luke hesitates. Luke: So it is time for the Jedi Order to end. Yoda: Time it is. Hmm. For you to look past a pile of old books, hmm? Luke: The sacred Jedi texts! Yoda: Oh. Read them, have you? Luke: Well, I… Yoda: Page-turners they were not. Yes, yes, yes. Wisdom they held, but that library contained nothing that the girl Rey does not already possess. Skywalker, still looking to the horizon. Never here, now, hmm? The need in front of your nose. Hmm?

R: It’s revealed later that Rey saved the books and this, therefore, marks the first symbolic destruction of the outer trappings of something while preserving what really matters. The library is destroyed, but the books (and knowledge) are saved.

Yoda’s admonition that Skywalker is looking to the horizon and not seeing the need in from of him is telling when you realize Rey is doing the same thing. Luke doesn’t see she needs her father, but Rey doesn’t recognize Luke as her father or that he needs to be a father.

J: Recall that significant line from Lor San Tekka in TFA: “You cannot deny the truth that is your family!”

S: To boil this scene down, Yoda is effectively telling Luke that the things you can learn in books are not the things that Rey needs. Luke has missed what Rey was actually asking of him. (And let’s not forget the context of that famous line: “The Force is strong in your family. Pass on what you have learned. Luke…there is another Skywalker.”)

Luke: I was weak. Unwise.

HH: Luke has spent the entire film trying to keep Rey from learning who she truly is so that she wouldn’t be burdened by the looming shadow of Vader or by feeling the obligation to correct Luke’s failures.  In watching her fly off in an attempt to redeem Ben Solo, Luke just watched Rey willingly take up those burdens despite her ignorance about her connection to the family.  He now realizes the depth of his folly and that his attempt to protect his daughter has done nothing except deny them the relationship they both want so dearly.

Yoda: Lost Ben Solo, you did. Lose Rey, we must not. Luke: I can’t be what she needs me to be.

HH: Remember that Rey’s needs have been divorced from the needs of the Resistance.  Luke isn’t talking about how he can’t be the Jedi Master that comes back and fights the First Order, because that isn’t what Rey needs.  What Rey needs, from the script, is a teacher, her parents, and someone to show her her place in all of this.  Luke likely feels that he was a teacher to Rey and likely feels he was teaching her the most important lessons he could teach, the flaws of the Jedi Order.  However, he felt he couldn’t be a parent to her and couldn’t show her what her place in the larger story was.  Luke was trying to fulfill a greater purpose in trying to teach Rey the errors of the Jedi, but ignored her desperate needs that had nothing to do with her desire to become one. Rey doesn’t need a Jedi master, she needs a father.

R: Yoda tells Luke they can’t lose Rey, but neither one interacts with her for the rest of the film.

J: Luke’s line is incredibly loaded. Luke isn’t saying he can’t be what the galaxy needs him to be (a legend) or what Rey expects or wants him to be (also, a legend). What does Rey need (according to what the narrative has been telling us through use of that word)? She needs her parents. (Rey also says she needs someone “to show me my place in all this,” but that really doesn’t fit the “what” in Luke’s statement, which implies a role rather than an action.) Note that Yoda uses “need” in a positive way – he isn’t implying a “crutch.”

S: In order for this scene to make any sense, Luke needs to have something still to give to Rey. Given that they never interact after this (at least not directly), the thing he “needs her to be” has yet to come to fruition. And given artist statements about Luke’s story “moving in tandem” with Rey’s, it’s clear that their relationship still has miles of room for development.

Yoda: Heeded my words not, did you? Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery. But weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is. Luke, we are what they grow beyond. That is the true burden of all masters.

HH: Luke was unwilling to train Rey as a Jedi because he was unwilling to pass on his failures.  He didn’t want to burden Rey with the task of correcting his mistakes.

R: Yoda’s point takes on additional meaning when you consider neither Luke nor Leia told Ben about his grandfather. Both attempted to pass on the family legacy’s successes, but did not tell him of its failures. By our interpretation, Luke has decided to withhold her family’s legacy entirely from Rey, strengths and weaknesses.

HH: Instead of correcting the mistake that he made with Ben in not passing on the lessons of Anakin’s failures Luke is now unwilling to pass on not only the lessons of Anakin’s failures, but the lessons of his own failures to Rey.  [R: Yoda is telling him he has it completely backwards].  

HH: Those that don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. The only way to break the cycle is to learn from the failures of the past. Luke prevents Kylo from learning from the failures of Vader and the result is that Kylo repeats Vader’s story.  Luke prevents Rey from learning from his failures and the result is that Rey repeats Luke’s story.  Luke should have seen that Kylo had too much of Anakin in him and warned him of the dangers of temptation from the dark side.  He also should have seen that Rey has too much of her father in her and warned her not to run off without a plan because she had a vision.  In both cases Luke was likely withholding that history of failure so as not to put a burden on the shoulders of the younger generation, but in doing so he inadvertently put a stumbling block in their path.  

J: Yoda is talking about parenthood, not mere mentorship. Recall what Snoke told Kylo about having “too much of [his] father’s heart in [him],” not too much of Luke (Kylo’s prior teacher) in him. Likewise, Yoda and Obi-wan cannot be said to have passed down all the traits Yoda lists to Luke, but Anakin sure did (as is remarked upon several times in the OT).

Poe’s mutiny.

J: The escape pod Rey uses to go to Kylo has a distinctly coffin-esque look to it. It brings to mind Kylo’s abduction of her in TFA, except that, of course, this descent into darkness is voluntary.

Kylo: Almost there. Rey: You don’t have to do this. I feel the conflict in you. It’s tearing you apart. Ben, when we touched hands, I saw your future. Just the shape of it, but solid and clear. You will not bow before Snoke. You’ll turn. I’ll help you. I saw it. Kylo: I saw something, too. Because of what I saw, I know when the moment comes, you’ll be the one to turn. You’ll stand with me. Rey, I saw who your parents are.

HH: Note that Rey just saw the shape of Kylo’s future, not specific details.  Kylo likely didn’t see specific details either.

This whole conversation also echos the conversation between Vader and Luke when they first meet in Return of the Jedi on Endor.

J: Rey seems to think that compassion alone can save Ben. She appears to think that, perhaps, Kylo doesn’t realize that his conflict allows him a choice that a 100% committed dark sider might not have.

Snoke: Well done, my good and faithful apprentice. My faith in you is restored. Young Rey. Welcome. (Finn and Rose captured – Poe’s mutiny fails.) (HANDCUFFS BEEPING AND FALLING OFF)

HH: A reference to the Emperor removing Luke’s handcuffs in Return of the Jedi

Snoke: Come closer, child. So much strength. Darkness rises, and light to meet it. I warned my young apprentice that as he grew stronger, his equal in the light would rise. Skywalker… (CHUCKLING) I assumed. Wrongly. Closer, I said. Rey: You underestimate Skywalker, and Ben Solo, and me. It will be your downfall.

HH: A reference to Luke telling the Emperor that his overconfidence is his weakness.

R: Snoke’s use of Skywalker is ironic here. He just didn’t get the Skywalker he was expecting.

J: Critics picked up on the meta commentary of “Skywalker…I assumed. Wrongly” but not on the retort: “You underestimate Skywalker […].” RJ’s choice for Rey to repeat “Skywalker,” rather than “Luke” (which would have been standard protagonist recontextualization of the interaction) signals the double-meaning.

Snoke:  Oh… Have you seen something? A weakness in my apprentice. Is that why you came? Young fool. It was I who bridged your minds. I stoked Ren’s conflicted soul. I knew he was not strong enough to hide it from you. And you were not wise enough to resist the bait. And now, you will give me Skywalker. Then I will kill you with the cruelest stroke.

HH: A reference to the Emperor revealing to Luke that he allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator to set a trap for them.

R: This scene is even using some of the same dialog from RotJ: “Young fool. It was I who…”

Snoke takes credit for both their connection and respective visions, but is he telling the truth? Rey’s vision did take place after all, she just misinterpreted it. Alternatively, if Snoke is telling the truth, the implication is he may have also planted Kylo’s vision.

J: Snoke’s claim, at this juncture, carries some weight considering that the “Force Skype” sessions were apparently not voluntarily initiated by either Rey or Kylo.

Rey: No. Snoke: Yes. (Rey Grunts) Snoke: Give me everything. Rey: No! No! No! (SCREAMS) FO fires on the transports Rey: (GROANS)

HH: A reference to the Emperor torturing Luke.

J: …except that this time, the conflicted villain makes no move to stop it

Snoke: Well, well, I did not expect Skywalker to be so wise. We will give him and the Jedi Order the death he desires. After the Rebels are gone, we will go to his planet and obliterate the entire island. (REY YELPING) Snoke: Such spunk. Look here now. The entire Resistance on those transports… Soon they will all be gone. For you, all is lost. Ooh. And still that fiery spit of hope. You have the spirit of a true Jedi! And because of that, you must die. My worthy apprentice, son of darkness, heir apparent to Lord Vader. Where there was conflict, I now sense resolve.  Where there was weakness, strength. Complete your training, and fulfill your destiny.

HH: Snoke makes Rey watch the destruction of the Resistance ships just like the Emperor made Luke watch the destruction of the Rebel ships. Also, there’s a reference to the Emperor saying “So be it, Jedi. If you cannot be turned you will be destroyed.”

R: It’s also interesting that Snoke doesn’t make the mistake of trying to turn her and instead tries to have his apprentice kill her (which is different from the Emperor himself doing it). Too bad he forgot about the lightsaber next to him.

S: The blatant RotJ parallels here make it feel like we’re in some sort of rush for Rey to finish reenacting Luke’s story. The next film is the one where she’s going to have to step out from Luke’s shadow–and what will she find there?

Kylo: I know what I have to do. Rey: Ben. (SNOKE LAUGHING) Snoke: You think you can turn him? Pathetic child. I cannot be betrayed, I cannot be beaten. I see his mind, I see his every intent. Yes. I see him turning the lightsaber to strike true. And now, foolish child, he ignites it, and kills his true enemy! Kylo uses Rey’s lightsaber lying next to Snoke to kill him.

HH: Kylo can’t bare to have Rey die and so betrays Snoke, just as Vader couldn’t bear to watch Luke die and betrayed the Emperor.

R: Pretty sure Kylo was planning to kill Snoke anyway after Snoke humiliated him earlier in the movie.

J: There appears to be some ambiguity over Kylo’s motives for killing Snoke. While it’s probably mixed at this point, the earlier Kylo/Snoke scene appears to make it more likely that Kylo’s focus was primarily on killing the master who had tormented him.

Finn and Rose confront DJ. Rey: Ben! The fleet. Order them to stop firing. There’s still time to save the fleet. Ben? Kylo: It’s time to let old things die. Snoke, Skywalker. The Sith, the Jedi, the Rebels… Let it all die. Rey. I want you to join me. We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy.

R: And Kylo Ren outright states what the movie is doing, at least on the surface. By the end, the movie has killed Snoke and the Sith; is well on its way to eradicating the Skywalkers and their legacy; the knowledge of the Jedi has been destroyed along with its last member and the Resistance has been annihilated. However, if you look again, the movie has been quietly subverting the message. The library is destroyed, but the books and knowledge are saved. The Resistance is gone, but the spark of hope remains (neat Rogue One shoutout). The Sith and Snoke are gone, but the dark remains… …And the Skywalker legacy is being destroyed, but the family survives through Rey. This is the gift Luke wants to give his daughter.

If the postulate Kylo feels guilt over Rey’s disappearance, one wonders how much he knows in this scene.

J: There are obvious parallels to Vader/Luke in Kylo’s proposition. Note that Kylo’s extended hand is now gloved, signaling that this is not a gesture of sincere desire for connection that the finger-touching was.

S: Something Star Wars does exceptionally well is show the experiences that happen among all types of relationships, and that are shared between interactions with parents, friends, lovers, siblings, children, and so on. Rey has moments with Finn that parallel Luke and Han, moments with Kylo that parallel Luke and Vader, and so on. The same stories play out across all types of relationships, with the unifying factors being, of course, compassion, connection, and family. Just one big, happy, frequently-amputated family.

Rey: Don’t do this, Ben. Please don’t go this way. Kylo: No, no. You’re still holding on! Let go! Do you wanna know the truth about your parents? Or have you always known? And you’ve just hidden it away. You know the truth. Say it. Say it. Rey: They were nobody. Kylo: They were filthy junk traders who sold you off for drinking money. Rey: (SOBS) Kylo: They’re dead in a paupers’ grave in the Jakku desert. You have no place in this story. You come from nothing. You’re nothing. But not to me. Join me. Please.

R: Kylo answers the same questions Luke posed to Rey in the tree scene, but in reverse order.

Also, many people have pointed to Rey saying she was nobody herself and quietly accepting Kylo’s assertions. Think about how Luke treated her all move – like she was nothing to him.

HH: Something interesting to note here is what Rey saw when she touched Kylo’s hand was an incomplete truth. She saw the Kylo would turn and assumed that if she went to him he would return to the light. Kylo did turn on Snoke because she went to him but he is still firmly on the dark side. So what Rey saw was true, but it wasn’t the whole truth.  The same is likely true for Kylo. Rey likely was in the custody of junk traders at some point, but the question is still open about whether they were her parents or not.  

Also we know that Kylo is trying to manipulate Rey so it is highly likely that he is embellishing upon what he saw for that purpose. The evidence for this is that what he says doesn’t line up with what we are shown in the Force Awakens. In Rey’s vision in the Force Awakens we see Rey being left with Unkar Plutt while a ship flies away and Rey cries “Come back!”.  That vision of Rey being left behind doesn’t jive with Kylo telling her that the Junk dealers are dead and buried in the Jakku desert.

R: An even more intriguing possibility arises from the new-EU: In Legends of Luke Skywalker second story, Luke is depicted scavenging parts soon after the Battle of Jakku and in story six is shown piloting a literal junker A-Wing he maintains. Luke Skywalker himself may well have been the junk trader Kylo saw!

HH: Bloodline and Legends of Luke Skywalker have both confirmed that post Return of the Jedi Luke lived a private, low profile life.  He was the most famous man in the galaxy and yet he could walk into any cantina he wanted and not be recognized (even when the patrons of the Cantina were talking about him!). Rey believing that her parents were “nobodies” doesn’t disqualify Luke. (R: What’s the difference between a somebody and nobody anyway? How would a five year old know her parents were famous or important?)

R: Further, recall the mirror showed only shadows to Rey, likely because that’s all she could remember of her parents. If that’s all Rey can remember of her parents, then that’s all Kylo would be able to see from her mind too.

Rey and Kylo contest with the Force over the Skywalker saber. They’re perfectly matched and the saber shatters under the stress.

R: A very important piece of symbolism. First, unlike TFA, the two are pulling in opposite directions and wind up in a stalemate – suggesting both have equal claim to the saber. The saber itself is destroyed in the process, but the heart of a lightsaber – the Kyber crystal – is not and Rey takes it. Let’s repeat that – the Skywalker legacy lightsaber is destroyed, but the most important component is not. The Skywalker family is being shorn of its dark legacy, but the family itself can survive and be reforged through Rey (incidentally, it’s a very common trope for a family heirloom to be shattered and then repaired by a member of the family).

S: The tree is burned; Rey saves the books. The saber is broken; Rey saves the crystal. The Resistance is decimated; Rey saves the Rebellion. The Skywalker family is shattered–well, you get the idea.

Holdo rams the Supremacy. Hux: What happened? Kylo: The girl murdered Snoke. Hux: What happened? Kylo: She took Snoke’s escape craft. We know where she’s going. Get all our forces down to that Resistance base. Let’s finish this.

R: Kylo frames Rey for murdering Snoke.

S: That classic romantic trope of “framing your love interest for the murder of a prominent political figure.”

Hux: Finish this? Who do you think you’re talking to? You presume to command my army? Our Supreme Leader is dead! We have no ruler!

(CHOKING)

Hux: The Supreme Leader is dead. Long live the Supreme Leader.

R: Kylo becomes the leader of the First Order and the dark side.

FO launches its ground attack. Rey and Chewie arrive to clear the TIE fighters attacking the skimmers.

Rose: That’s how we’re gonna win. Not fighting what we hate, saving what we love.

R: A lot of people hate this line, but it’s the thesis of the entire movie. Kylo has been destroying everything out of hatred for the past and the movie has been doing the same thing – except it’s only been destroying the outer trappings of Star Wars while preserving the essence of the franchise. The movie has been saving what we love the entire time (except for all the people who hate the central family of a family saga). Luke and Rey cap it off by saving those they care about rather than destroying the First Order.

Resistance believes no one is coming until: Leia: Luke. I know what you’re gonna say. I changed my hair. Luke: It’s nice that way. Leia, I’m sorry. Leia: I know. I know you are. Leia: I’m just glad you’re here at the end. Luke: I came to face him, Leia. And I can’t save him. Leia: I held out hope for so long, but I know my son is gone. Luke: No one’s ever really gone.

R: There are several key points in this exchange. First, Leia has given up on her son. Second, Luke looks like he did in the flashbacks of Kylo’s fall. Third, Luke still believes can be turned, but knows he isn’t the one who can reach him. It’s obvious he thinks Rey can, but the question here is, how? (Rhetorical question)

HH: Something interesting to note is the music that plays while Luke is marching out to confront Kylo. It’s not a variation of the Main theme, or even the Force theme, that typically play when Luke is doing something as heroic this. It’s a deconstruction of the Imperial March. The music shows that the Skywalker family still hasn’t been able to overcome the shadow of the Vader’s legacy. If Kylo is the last Skywalker, they never will. (R: Even if he returns to the light.)

Despite objections, Kylo goes to personally confront Luke.

R: Kylo again demonstrates he is utterly obsessed with the past. He ignores the present strategic situation to settle a personal matter with Luke and squanders his opportunity to wipe out the Resistance leadership.

Luke faces the First Order and then Poe leads the resistance into the mine tunnels.

R: Luke is brandishing the Skywalker saber instead of his green one. This is symbolically very important. After refusing the saber – symbolizing his family and the identity of the Skywalkers – twice, he is finally shown to have accepted it. Rey has shown him Vader is not the family’s true identity or fate and she has both taken it up herself and will reforge it – despite her not knowing that she is. At the same time, Luke taunts Kylo with the blade, showing the future of the family does not lie with him.

Rey: If the beacon’s right beneath us, they’ve got to be somewhere. Keep scanning for life forms. Rey: I see them! Chewie, there! Poe: No. No, no, no. No! Rey: Lifting rocks.

R: This is a key parallel here, Rey and Luke are both trying to save those they love – Luke by distracting Kylo and Rey by evacuating them. This parallel action completes the narrative mirroring started in the cave.

S: The fact that Rey is able to track her friends with the beacon also shows that the presence she appears to sense while lifting the rocks is likely not Finn, as many have suggested, and is more likely Luke (who we cut to after) connecting with her through the Force.

Kylo and Luke face off. Luke: I failed you, Ben. I’m sorry. Kylo: I’m sure you are! The Resistance is dead. The war is over. And when I kill you, I will have killed the last Jedi. Luke: Amazing. Every word of what you just said was wrong. The Rebellion is reborn today. The war is just beginning. And I will not be the last Jedi. Rey removes the rocks trapping the Resistance and reunites with Finn in an emotional hug. The scene cuts back to Luke and his eyes are tearfilled and unfocused and he is smiling.  

R: Watch Rey’s eyes after she lifts the rocks, she’s looking around as if surprised, and it’s not at the rocks or Finn (seeing him actually snaps her out of it). Luke likely connected with her here.

HH: Luke likely watched Rey save the remaining members of the Resistance and he is beyond happy about it.

R: Luke’s pure joy is the emotional climax of the movie and the single best visual argument. That it immediately follows Rey’s happiness at reuniting with Finn shows it’s not simply the Jedi surviving. He’s overjoyed his daughter is safe, happy and will be ok – everything he really wanted from the start of the movie.

Kylo: I’ll destroy her, and you, and all of it. Luke: No. Strike me down in anger and I’ll always be with you. Just like your father.

R: Kylo is in a nihilistic spiral and Luke points out every crime just adds to the list of things haunting him. Kylo is attempting to kill his past, but is only really succeeding in making his pain and conflict even worse. This spiral is driving him to more and more extreme acts in a vain effort to fill the growing void.

S: I definitely foresee a Macbethian arc for Kylo in Episode IX. Isolated, paranoid, haunted, and spiraling out of control. Make sure those Force Trees don’t make their way towards Dunsinane…

R: Is this the point that I voice my suspicions there’s an Episode X planned and TLJ is actually the second half of Act I?

Luke reveals the ruse and vanishes. Kylo returns to his shuttle alone and sees Rey in one last vision as Rey closes the Falcon door.

R: Kylo has refused every hand offered to him and watches as Rey and his own mother turn their backs on him, leaving him utterly alone. Rey attempted to reach out to him with compassion alone, but failed. If Kylo is to be turned back to the light, it will require something else entirely.

R: This scene also casts doubt on Snoke’s claim he was responsible for the connection as it happens after his death.

Poe: Hi. Rey: Hi. Poe: I’m Poe. Rey: Rey. Poe: I know.

R: A key bit of character development for Rey – she realizes there are people who already care about her as an individual.

S: Also probably a nod to how much Finn has been talking about her. Aww.

Rey: Luke is gone. I felt it. But it wasn’t sadness or pain. It was peace and purpose. Leia: I felt it, too.

R: Rey senses Luke’s death (HH: and not only his death but how he was feeling as he died) like the known members of his family, despite only being with him for a few days. While not definitive, it is suggestive.

With Luke’s passing, the mantle of last Jedi passes to her along and she becomes the Light’s champion. The stage is set for Anakin’s grandchildren to fight over the fate of the Force itself.

Like this? Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, WordPress or here on Tumblr!

Join our Discord: https://discord.gg/HVKN3dT

[readonline]

The 5th House

It troubles me that this story contains sorrow, when so many need the opposite of that at this time. I can only hope that my words serve as a momentary distraction or maybe even some comfort that one can come out of darkness.

We are in troubling times, where we’ve not seen such national and global worry since World War II. Now, it’s more important than ever to think about the impact we have on each other.

There will be great change to come from our shared crisis, a renewed understanding and appreciation of freedom and human connection. But nothing comforts loss, only time.

I’m not an academic or public speaker but I have to mention our current crisis. These are tragic days. Like you I worry about relatives, loved ones and colleagues. Our tears are shared. The only cure now is prevention, by staying in and allowing the frontline workers to cope.

I could have decided to not release further words during these times, I don’t think there is ever a right time, since promising to follow up in due course.

If you are reading this, I must warn you it contains information some may find upsetting. This story is not going anywhere, it will remain online, if you are not able to take on someone else’s suffering or the recounting of such, I recommend you do not read on.

For me, in these hours, I recall the words of Maya Angelou who once said “there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you”, and I share mine with you today.

I posted the words I wrote, a few weeks ago, because I was tired of hiding. Never feeling free or burden free. I had become enmeshed with my story like a dark secret. It made me alone and feel alone.

What is also hard to explain is that, in hiding, in not talking, I was allowing the rape to become a companion. Me and it living in my being, I no longer wanted to feel that intimacy with it, a decade of that intimacy has been destructive. I had to set myself free. I have been hurt and it would have been dangerous to talk from that hurt place in the past, prior to feeling ready.

Unable to do what I am doing today, previously, I also considered and explored human rights laws to change my name off public record and disappear to another country and maybe become a florist or something, so that I could put the past behind with a new life.

Because, although I was almost unfindable, I daydreamed of having a different haircut, a new name, a boyfriend, and become completely forever forgotten. As time went on it then became about realising, I can’t keep hiding, as thrilling as coffee in Paris seems.

Since the incident I experienced happened, it was upsetting to think of talking openly, frightening. Seasons would pass and come and go and I would be further removed from where I once was, every year. The longer I left it, the less I could see an image in my mind, of something I recognised that I could reach back to. That’s why I, at times, would admit defeat and think I can’t ever talk and face it. So, I should just keep disappearing, turning the lights off in my life.

Having not yet established a thriving personal life, or had my own family, I would be anguished thinking if I reveal my story publicly, openly to the world, it would hinder my future romantic life. This is not exactly the advert I wanted before meeting the love of my life.

I would also worry about coming back to music and the risk of constantly facing the question of “what happened”, “where did you disappear to”, “why did you vanish”, “what have you been up to for so many years”.

I could not imagine fabricating some story, that I had been rowing across the world’s seas, I would have had to lie, and I couldn’t lie. So, between fears of not being able to emotionally withstand speaking, not being able to lie, and concerns of inheriting a stigma that could affect my future personal life, I would decide to not speak at all, remain vanished, or to daydream of reinventing myself forever.

I thought the public disclosure of my story would utterly destroy my life, emotionally, while hiding my story was destroying my life so much more. So, I just have to be strong and disclose it, and face all my fears head on. I’ve come to realise I can’t erase myself, I live in my being, so I have to be completely honest and have faith in the outcome.

I never knew if I would get to the place of being able to do this, I am grateful to get here. Not everyone has the privilege of being able to talk, such as I am doing today, stories much more heinous and sorrowful, more inhumane than mine, go untold every day.

All of our lives have immense meaning and value, and when we come to really realise nothing matters but humanity, we begin to really see each other, by the tragedies and joys we all share. Our smiles and our tears are what make us all the same.

And while we are observing a great amount of suffering and loss in our world, in what seems like a battle that cannot be won, it compels us to truly appreciate the gift of life, and the gift of love, and the values that matter the most.

I have been very warned by some I know not to tell you what I am about to tell you. Some alluded that I would pretty much be finished in whatever chances I have to make music publicly again, some have said I would be scorned by the public, another said I would be called selfish that the rapist is still at large.

It has served to delay my talking by weeks, and me just lying in bed looking at the ceiling trying to find meaning. I take my personal freedom over any amount of stones that can be thrown at me. If I destroy my future, I do it to honour my past.

Rape stripped me of my human rights, to experience a life with autonomy from fear. It has already stolen one third my of life. Deep down I do know it would have been a shame and done such an immense disservice, to my existence, to just delete myself and forget what I had experienced in music publicly.

It was also not just my burden, so many others lived with the big question too of “what happened”. The record label, live agents, promoters, publicists, musicians, stylists, hairdressers, make-up, lighting, production, crew, people I would meet, people I once knew. No one, utterly no one, knew what happened. It kept me removed from those I could actually trust. Mostly I did not want to trouble anyone else with what I had experienced.

The final catalyst of wanting to talk was unusual I think, what really finally made me go “I just can’t bear the weight of this anymore”. It was so simple but so profound, what would be the catalyst to make me un-trap myself.

It was being told by a male, I had come to know and really like as a friend, that “most men would run a mile if they knew you were raped”. I crumbled. I felt very hurt for a few days and reflected a lot and I thought, one night, like an epiphany, that the knowledge of my truth 'makes me no less lovable’. The dream of love did die, I finally realised it didn’t need to. And just like a light came on I realised ‘I know what it is to hurt, therefore I know what it is to be human’.

Please skip the next twenty lines if you do not want to read the exact account of the kidnapping.

It was my birthday, I was drugged at a restaurant, I was drugged then for four weeks and travelled to a foreign country. I can’t remember getting on the plane and came round in the back of a travelling vehicle. I was put into a hotel room and the perpetrator returned and raped me. I remember the pain and trying to stay conscious in the room after it happened. I was stuck with him for another day, he didn’t look at me, I was to walk behind him, I was somewhat conscious and withdrawn. I could have been disposed of by him. I contemplated running away to the neighbouring city or town, as he slept, but had no cash and I was afraid he would call the police on me, for running away, and maybe they would track me down as a missing person. I do not know how I had the strength to endure those days, I did feel the presence of something that helped me stay alive. I flew back with him, I stayed calm and as normal as someone could in a situation like that, and when I got home, I sat, dazed, like a zombie. I knew my life was in immediate danger, he made veiled confessions of wanting to kill me. With what little strength I had, my instinct was to then run, to run and find somewhere to live that he could not find.

The perpetrator drugged me in my own home in the four weeks, I do not know if he raped me there during that time, I only remember coming round in the car in the foreign country and the escape that would happen by me fleeing in the days following that. I do not know why I was not drugged overseas; it leads me to think I was given a class A drug and he could not travel with it.

After it happened, someone I knew came to my house and saw me on my balcony staring into space, wrapped in a blanket. I cannot remember getting home. The person said I was yellow in colour and I was like a dead person. They were obviously frightened but did not want to interfere, they had never seen anything like it.

Thereafter, it didn’t feel safe to go to the police. I felt if anything went wrong, I would be dead, and he would have killed me. I could not risk being mishandled or it being all over the news during my danger. I really had to follow what instincts I had. I have told two female police officers, during different threatening incidents in the past decade, it is on record.

And as I grieved what 'I must have done to invite this into my life', I read something that said, “in the end, it’s never between them and you, it’s always between them and God”. That helped me a lot in the absence of justice.

Once someone threatened to ‘out' my story and I had to tell a female police officer what information the person held about me, and why the blackmail was so frightening. The second incident was when three men tried to enter my house as intruders, I told the second female officer about the rape then also. The identity of the rapist should be only handled by the police, and that is between me and them.

The first person I ever told was a psychologist, months later, a leading expert in the UK in complex trauma and sexual violence. I have no idea how I was so lucky to find her all those years ago, her beautiful blue eyes, pink sofa, huge library, amazing brain and skill. Without her I may not have made it through. I was high risk of suicide in the aftermath. She got to know me, saw me as a person, learned about me and navigated me. She did it very gently. I could not look her in the eyes for the first eight or so sessions, eye contact was something I struggled with. The thought of recovering was almost impossible.

In the aftermath I would not see someone, a physical soul, for sometimes weeks and weeks and weeks at a time, remaining alone. I would take off my pyjamas and throw them in the fire and put on another set. My hair would get so knotted from not brushing it, as I grieved, I cut it all off.

I am sharing this because we are living in a hurting world and I am no longer ashamed that something deeply hurt me, anymore. I believe that if you speak from the heart within you, the heart within others will answer. As dark as my story is, I do speak from my heart, for my life, and for the life of others, whom have suffered the same.

I have no shame in telling you either I had spent almost ten years completely alone, and it still burns my heart to write it. I owe it to myself to say it, I feel obliged to explain how challenging recovering truly was, and to finally disclose it. I hope it comforts you to feel less ashamed, if you feel alone.

After the rape and kidnaping I had a handful of romantic experiences and each one would “love bomb” me and want the person on the album cover, while I was just a person hurt. It was futile.

You may wonder where was my family? Those who wanted to help - were just too far away. The toll of me hiding, this last decade, also meant I was estranged from all. What happened was not only a betrayal to me, to my life, a violence that nearly killed me, it stole a lot from other people too. I was just not the same person for so long. Rape is like living murder, you are alive, but dead. All I can say is it took an extremely long time, sometimes feeling never ending, to reclaim the shattered pieces of me.

This may hit a nerve with you reading this because I know you are all isolated at this time. I should probably elaborate on how I survived that seclusion, further down this piece.

I promise you, I know a pain, to the guts of all my being and I cannot let it cloud my life anymore. I now stand in all of me. But I do not want your pity. I’m telling you all this to put my wounds to the light where the dark can no longer keep me. I would not be telling you the account of my experiences if I did not now know true healing.

I’m not proud of my story, I mourned wishing I had been dealt another hand, but it happened, and I have come to terms with it.

It took so long for me to speak because after I was raped and held captive, I fled. I moved five times in the immediate three years after, never feeling safe from the rapist, I was on the run for so long. I found somewhere to live, the 5th house, it was not as confined as the other houses, where I grieved silently, in townhouses or apartments. This place I would spend solitary years to find the stability to recover, I had stopped running and relocating. I felt he could not find me in the 5th house, I felt safe. I feel safe now.

When the ordeal happened, it destabilised me so severely, it took years and years, around 90,000 hours. I sometimes didn’t know how I could make it through, it was hard and almost impossible. But I got here, as will you. Hallelujah.

I came back to Wales recently, I stood and looked at the sea and felt a part of me breathe again, I had distanced myself from it all. Then the catalyst I mentioned, being told “most men would run a mile”, made me face the fear of it not hindering my romantic life. Ironically rape is not only a sexual assault, it’s a brain injury … and although I may sometimes get frightened still, it has nothing to do with love.

Finally, the realisation that very thing that hurt me, will become the very thing that heals me. I faced a deeply inhumane experience; only humanity can heal that.

Ostracization and isolation is known to be a form of torture. If anyone would have told me I would share my times of isolation, with a nation isolated, I would never have believed them.

What I can share though, at this time, during this shared experience is the science. The brain's ‘dorsal anterior cingulate cortex’, which registers physical pain, is activated when we are isolated.

Knowing the mind’s science enables you to manage it. And isolation is a small price to pay for saving lives, therefore we must be strong in the face of it. This demands us all, as one, to act for each other; never has mindfulness been so vital as it is now.

If you are reading this and are sad my encouragement to you is that … to know pain, you must first know how to love. Only the absence of love causes pain. So, go find it. Seek love in everything, even in a teacup.

There is also a real science to being grateful. Research shows that gratitude can heal your body, mind, and those you are grateful to. So, by being thankful, for what you do have, and the selfless acts of others during this time, lifts you and them.

And of talking of community and human thoughtfulness, some of you really helped me in real time when you wrote comments beneath the original statement I wrote. You put “do not be afraid to run for cover”, another said “breathe, just breathe” as I was worried about what I had done, when it went so quickly to the news, as I could not sleep some nights.

One of you wrote “I feel you will always be protected from here” I agreed, I knew what you meant. I faced my greatest life lesson to speak.

Before our current crisis people offered me their homes, to come and have food with them, their telephone numbers and personal stories. It’s been very intimate to be with those comments, that people wrote, and read them. And this is what defines the power of people, of kindness, and humanity. I did not expect any kind of reaction similar to the volume of what was seen. Thank you. I did not speak to seek friends, but the kindness was an emotional experience for me.

I also received messages, from others whom were sexually abused and raped, of all ages and races and places and genders. I want you to know I saw and read them. I read every word, and your story lives on in me.

If you saw the messages I have received, on Instagram, from young males whom have been raped, women whose cases were adjourned, lives that have been stolen in violence. One young man said, “I will never be able to be liberated like you” (from rape). He cannot walk the streets of his home, afraid. This is a weapon of war. I hope they too can find a way to be liberated in their own way, as I am finding mine.

Anyone cynical about what I am doing- please don’t be. I have no control where my words travelled or will travel. I speak as a human being, from a remote town, overlooking the sea, in the middle of nowhere. This is not fireworks and champagne for me. Nobody who reveals such a wound feels elated, only peace.

And so, what about music from here maybe you ask? When I sing, I feel like a bird. But it’s not what this is directly about. I’m doing this to be freed, for all of me to be freed. What follows remains to be seen.

I also won’t be doing any more unannounced statements on this. As liberating it’s been to finally speak and to finally sing, albeit on radio, I will now return to quietness. I thank Jo Whiley for letting me share a song on radio, during these times. Meant a lot to me.

I know this much though, I owe it to myself to release a body of work someday, though I very much doubt I will ever be the person people once knew. My music will be measured on the merit of its quality and this story will be something I experienced and not something that describes me.

And as for you … They do say nothing worthwhile came without sacrifice, your personal actions, decisiveness and commitment, is making the difference now. As we come together, we see results, and there is just so much hope to take from that.

And I really don’t know what’s next for me. I would like to experience me being who I really am, for the first time, privately. To feel a peace that I have been, until now, only half feeling.

I ask myself now, as I write this … what makes me feel more beautiful, more hopeful and more at peace? So, if I do indeed press SEND and put this online, I hope it brings me the smile in my eyes, the light in my life, that has been absent for just so long.

I can now leave this decade behind. Where the past belongs. Hopefully no more “what happened to Duffy" questions, now you know… and I am free.

5th April 2020

[garywonghc]

A Commentary on the Heart Sutra

by Geshe Lama Konchog

The subject we are going to discuss today is the most essential point of the 84,000 sets of teachings that the Buddha gave — the Perfection of Wisdom Sutra (Heart Sutra). This sutra has various levels which are called the extensive, the intermediate and the short levels. It is called the most essential point because it contains the condensed meaning of all three levels of the Prajnaparamita sutras.

We will begin with a discussion of the two categories of this sutra — the common and the uncommon. The common category explains the four excellent qualities, which are the explanations of the excellent times, the excellent teaching, the excellent teacher and the excellent disciple.

The root text begins: “Thus have I heard … at that time.” This indicates the excellent time. The place where this teaching was given was Rajagriha on Vulture’s Peak, which was considered to be an excellent place. When Buddha taught this particular discourse, infinite bodhisattvas descended into this world system to receive these teachings. They were the disciples of the buddhas from the ten directions and this shows the excellent retinues that were there at that time.

While the Buddha was teaching the bodhisattvas, they emanated infinite light from their bodies, which illuminated the darkness of the three world systems. The three universal world systems are comprised of billions of other world systems and this was the place where Shakyamuni Buddha performed the twelve holy deeds. We might think that Shakyamuni Buddha only performed these holy deeds in this world and nowhere else, however, in reality Buddha performed all the twelve holy deeds to many world systems — particularly the deeds of providing Dharma teachings.

Since the topic of the discourse on the Prajnaparamita (the Perfection of Wisdom Sutra) is so precious and so unique, the infinite bodhisattvas asked if they could also attend the teachings that Buddha was giving to the different worlds.

The buddhas gave their permission to their disciple bodhisattvas because they made so many offerings to Shakyamuni Buddha while he was teaching them. In fact, the buddhas recommended that while the bodhisattvas were listening to the teachings they were to be seen as good examples and therefore must act correctly. The reason why they were given this advice was because human beings in this world system were not conducting themselves well at all and needed to be shown by example.

So not only was the Buddha giving the discourse on Vulture’s Peak to countless bodhisattvas from the ten directions, at the same time he was able to train and subdue many more disciples. This was a most extraordinary time. It was extraordinarily fortunate to have all these extraordinary and supreme disciples in one place at one time, and they were being taught the extraordinary teachings on the Prajnaparamita, The Wisdom Gone Beyond by the Buddha himself.

At that time Buddha was teaching in the aspect of being absorbed into the concentration of profound illumination. It was while he was showing the aspect of being absorbed into this particular concentration, that a discussion occurred between Avalokiteshvara and Shariputra.

It was due to the power of the blessing that was given to Avalokiteshvara by Shakyamuni Buddha that Avalokiteshvara was able to look perfectly at the practice of the emptiness of inherent existence of the five aggregates. He was then able to engage in an investigation of all phenomena.

Then through the power of the Buddha, the Venerable Shariputra said to Avalokiteshvara, the bodhisattva, the great being: “How should a child of the lineage train, who wishes to train in the practice of the profound wisdom gone beyond?”

Now, there are many questions within this question, for instance, how did the initial bodhisattvas train on the meditational path of accumulation, the path of preparation, the path of seeing, and so forth? That question comprised many different kinds of questions relating to how the practitioner — whether a beginner, middle or superior being — should train on the path.

There are two categories of beings who should follow the practices of the Prajnaparamita — those who are of less intelligence and those of greater intelligence. For those of less intelligence, Avalokiteshvara asked how he should investigate and analyse the profound view of those who hold the lineage of this particular tradition.

Then the noble Avalokiteshvara replied to the venerable Shariputra as follows: “Shariputra, whatever son or daughter of the lineage wishes to engage in the practice of the profound perfection of the wisdom gone beyond, should do it exactly like this. Analyse perfectly and correctly the nature of the five aggregates, which are by nature empty.“

This is the short answer. Initially he gave this brief answer, then later on, he elaborated on it by saying: “Form is empty, emptiness is form. Emptiness is no other than form and form is no other than emptiness.”

Our physical body is composed of the four elements, the twelve constituents and so forth, and due to the aggregation of all these elements, we are able to label this body “physical”. We are able to say that it is form. However, there is nothing inherently existing in that form from its own side. It is said that the physical form or the form aggregate, lacks inherent existence, but we appear as a physical form. Therefore, the nature of form is equal to the nature of emptiness and emptiness is equal to the nature of form.

These two are considered to be of one nature, yet different in the sense that they are conceptually isolated. This also shows how existence is free from permanence. This is because although the physical form appears, it is empty.

Who posited this physical existence? This physical form was posited by the consciousness. The mind or consciousness posited this physical form, and because the physical form appears to the mind, it therefore lacks inherent, or true, existence.

Due to gaining some understanding of emptiness, we can then eliminate the belief in inherent existence and also by having an understanding of the impermanence of physical form, we can eliminate the thought of eternalism. When we talk about a lack of inherent existence, or say that things do not exist inherently, this itself shows the nominal existence of conventional existence.

From now on the root text describes the practices on the paths of accumulation and preparation. These discussions are based on the fact that we have already generated bodhicitta and we are training in an understanding of emptiness.

The Heart Sutra tells us how we should first understand the importance of having a realisation of emptiness, and then generate bodhicitta. This is necessary because initially we meditate on the seven instructions of cause and effect to generate bodhicitta. We start to recognise that all sentient beings are our mother and by remembering this kindness, we then want to repay that love, compassion and that extraordinary attitude.

When we generate this extraordinary attitude, the unusual thought of leading all sentient beings to the state of everlasting happiness by ourselves alone is generated. At this time, we then investigate whether it is possible to achieve the state of enlightenment. The reason for doing this is so that we, alone, can lead others out of the state of suffering. But first of all we must be freed from that state ourselves.

Then we investigate whether or not it is possible to be completely freed from all suffering. We need to come to the understanding that when we are able to remove all defilements and delusions from our mental continuum, it is possible to get out of cyclic existence, the state of suffering.

Delusions are caused by the self-grasping attitude. When we realise that we can eliminate this self-grasping attitude, we can get out of the state of suffering. We then come to know that defilements are removable and that the state of liberation or enlightenment is attainable.

In the tradition of Lama Tsongkhapa and his teaching on the graduated path to enlightenment, the lam-rim, he says that first of all we need to generate bodhicitta, then follow this with the realisation of emptiness. However, Lama Tsongkhapa also says that we must keep the doctrine secret, so initially in this tradition, this topic was hidden until the practitioner generated bodhicitta.

In our case, we feel this sense of I and on that basis we designate the five aggregates. However, the I or the self is merely labelled and is only imputed on the basis of the five aggregates. There is no independent I that arises from the five aggregates.

Upon investigation, we find that there is no I arising independently from the five aggregates, yet we cherish the I and cling to it more and more, even though it is unfindable. We cherish that I as if it were solid and permanent.

We have this attachment to the I, therefore we accumulate friends who support and benefit us and we generate attachment towards them. We consider those who harm us and provide us with difficult situations our enemies, and we generate anger towards them. This keeps us in samsara, in the state of suffering.

The self-grasping attitude does not recognise the emptiness of the I and cannot realise that it is merely labelled. It grasps at something that is completely non-inherently existent and because of this self-grasping attitude, the object is misconceived. This self-grasping attitude is known as ignorance. This attitude is also called the changeable view or the transient view. As long as we have this self-grasping ignorance, we shall remain in samsara.

When we replace this self-grasping ignorance with the correct wisdom, this is generated initially through the path of accumulation. During this training, we generate the wisdom of hearing the subject. We also generate the wisdom of contemplation on the subject, then due to generating this wisdom, we can identify selflessness. Due to having the right identification, we should try to become habituated with that concept. During the path of preparation, we contemplate and meditate on this.

“Form is empty, emptiness is form. Emptiness is no other than form and form is no other than emptiness.” This refers to the aggregate of form alone. The same reference is then made to feeling, recognition, karmic formations and so forth.

After the part “Form is empty … consciousness are all empty,” the sutra shows how to train on the paths of accumulation and preparation. At this point, emptiness is understood or recognised by applying these antidotes. When we train in emptiness on the path of seeing, the other antidotes, such as the eight antidotes and so on, are applied.

Shariputra was told that all phenomena are empty, without characteristics. They have no defilements and no separation from defilements; they have no increase and no decrease, and so forth. This indicates that those who are training on the path of seeing eliminate the eight types of object negation.

In “true” or inherent, there is no decrease and no increase. The whole eight objects are negated during the path of seeing and we train in developing the wisdom that is required during the path of seeing.

So by telling Shariputra that in emptiness there is no form, no feeling, no discrimination, down to no eye and so forth, this indicates how we should train ourselves on the path of meditation. On this path, the consciousness is one with the object, emptiness — like water being poured into water. There is complete oneness, without duality.

If this non-dual wisdom that only perceives emptiness could also see physical form, then this would be inherently existing or truly existing. Therefore, for those who are absorbed in meditation on emptiness, in that wisdom, conventional existence cannot be seen. If conventional existence is seen by that wisdom, then the lack of inherent existence does not apply. This would mean that there should be inherent or true existence.

Therefore, the practitioner who resides on the path of meditation needs to abandon all obscurations by applying the direct antidote found on the ten bhumis or grounds. For those who observe the meditation on emptiness, all conventional phenomena cease to exist.

At the end of the paragraph it says: “There is no attainment and no non-attainment.” At this point the practitioner who is on the path of meditation absorbs into the vajra-like concentration. Bodhisattvas rely on and abide in the perfection of wisdom. Their minds have no obstructions and no fear, because they have attained the final state beyond sorrow.

At this point the sutra is talking about the different categories of emptiness. Up to this point it is about how the less intelligent practitioners train in the wisdom gone beyond.

By the power of mantra alone, the most intelligent practitioners are able to train in the perfection of wisdom. The mantra of the perfection of wisdom, the mantra of unsurpassed knowledge does not refer to the mantras we find in tantra. It is, however, called “mantra” because it has the same power as tantric mantras. Profound emptiness has the same power and potential to destroy all wrong concepts.

So all these mantras — the mantras that pacify all sufferings, that pass beyond all falsity, should be known as the truth. They have the same power as we find in secret mantras, therefore they are all labelled “mantra”.

By this mantra alone, the most intelligent ones can understand the entire practice:

TADYATHA OM GATE GATE PARAGATE PARASAMGATE BODHI SVAHA.

TADYATHA is “thus” or “it is like this”.

GATE GATE means “go, go”. So, go to the path of accumulation, go to the path of preparation. This refers to the two initial paths.

PARAGATE refers to going to the path of seeing.

PARASAMGATE refers to the path of meditation.

BODHI refers to the Buddha. It means going towards buddhahood.

“Go, go to the path of accumulation, to the path of preparation, to the path of seeing, to the path of meditation — go towards buddhahood.”

So, the entire discussion between Noble Avalokiteshvara and the Venerable Shariputra, in condensed form, is included within this mantra.

Shariputra was told to train in the perfection of wisdom, which is the instruction known as the power of the blessings of the buddhas. The instruction or teaching on rejoicing is given with permission to allow others to compose.

“Then the Blessed One arose from that concentration…” This part is said to be a direct verbal instruction. This is to encourage us to follow the practice as it is described in this text. Then we should rejoice, to increase the virtues [merit].

There are two ways to carry on the recitation of the Heart Sutra — one is the normal recitation and the other is the particular recitation done by the Kadampas.

Visualisation for the recitation of the Heart Sutra

The procedure for recitation done by the Kadampa masters is to visualise the wisdom mother at the heart of Shakyamuni Buddha. At her heart, visualise the syllable AH, and surrounding this is the Heart Sutra mantra. While reciting the mantra, infinite light emanates from the mantra. Then imagine oneself and all other sentient beings gaining a realisation of emptiness.

Another method is to visualise oneself and others arising in the form of Shakyamuni Buddha, then offer praises to Shakyamuni Buddha, make offerings and so forth. However, it is still alright to follow the normal way of recitation.

Just by having the conviction that this prayer contains the entire collection of excellent qualities, you can follow the simple recitation.

It is said that if we are able to recite this Perfection of Wisdom sutra, there is a type of substance we can gain that will protect us from being harmed by animals such as snakes, as well as giving protection from spirits and other interferers. They will not come near us.

Verses at the beginning of teachings:

I prostrate to the gatherings of dakinis in the three chakras, who abide in the holy yoga of using space.

By your powers of clairvoyance and magical emanation, Look after practitioners like a mother looks after her child.

AH KHA SAMA RAJA SADHA RASA MARAYA PHAT (21 times)

TADYATHA OM GATE GATE PARAGATE PARASAMGATE BODHI SVAHA.

By the truth of the existence of the Three Jewels, May all inner and outer hindrances and adversities be overcome. May they become non-existent! (CLAP) May they be pacified! (CLAP) May they be completely pacified! (CLAP) May all negative forces opposed to the Dharma be completely pacified. May the eighty-four thousand kinds of hindrances be pacified. May all sentient beings be separated from discordant, harmful conditions. May all be harmonious, excellent and auspicious in the future.