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ymiwritesstuff · 4 years ago

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yes!!! i’m glad your requests are open!!! could i please get a revali x reader (fem preferred but idc ig) thats kinda angsty as revali has a rito gf but can tell he’s falling for the reader as she falls for him ?

Heyy thanks for the request, I’m incredibly sorry that you had to wait. I also hope that this didn’t get confusing as I worked on this on and off for a long period of time and as you can see, it got quite long. Still, I hope you enjoy.

Beloved

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of The Wild

Revali x Reader

Summary: A new discovery about Revali leaves you distraught and confused, your feelings toying with you and influencing your behavior in the worst ways.

Notes: Angst

The day was as good as it could be. The sky was clear, the air was just the right temperature and the pleasant aroma of the spruces surrounding the village pleasantly tingled in your nostrils as you made your way up the wooden stairs. The princess had kindly asked you to visit the village, wanting to make sure each Divine Beast was functioning properly and you accepted her request, though a bit reluctantly.

The village itself was among the most stunning places in the Kingdom, that wasn’t the issue. Rather, a certain someone had always stuck out to you in a troublesome way. Those emerald eyes mockingly staring at you, those wings that so gracefully carried him through the air, and that irritating and condescending tone in his voice, all that annoyed you to no end, yet you found yourself at the village time and time again and the more time you spent in his line of vision, the less irritating he seemed to become.

At first, you couldn’t stand him and his arrogance. No matter what he did or said he managed to somehow anger you, but over time, you learned to filter his words, and more recently, you found yourself rolling your eyes at him, unbothered by his constant ramblings about himself. And you didn’t know why. Perhaps you had simply gotten used to his demeanor, but there had to be something more as every time your gaze fell upon him, you felt strange, nervous even.

You went through these thoughts as you made your way to his landing, expecting to see him there as the day would soon turn to the night and despite his passion for archery, even he knew when to rest. You caught a glimpse of those navy feathers and lifted your gaze towards him, witnessing his landing, graceful as ever. The previous thoughts faded away and a small smile crept onto your face as you picked up your pace, Revali quickly noticing your presence.

“Here once again? Let me guess, the Princess sent you,” He said, that familiar tone present in his voice, though it hadn’t vexed you in a long time. You briefly laughed at his guess that had hit the bullseye and rolled your eyes playfully.

“Yep.” You stopped in front of him. “So, anything to report?” These visits had become quite frequent over the past few weeks due to Zelda’s understandable paranoia towards the Calamity, and though you despised them initially, you soon found out that they weren’t as burdensome and tiring as you thought.

Revali brought his wing to his chin and appeared to be in thought, though you both already knew the answer. The Rito was skilled and had no doubt forged a strong bond with his Divine Beast so he facing any issues with it was very unlikely. His eyes then locked onto you, the tiniest smirk tugging one side of his beak.

“Everything is in working order. You and the Princess have absolutely nothing to worry about.” His answer didn’t surprise you in the slightest and upon hearing it, you merely sighed lightly.

“That’s good. I’ll let her know that there are no abnormalities regarding Medoh.”

You immediately glance at the beast that still roamed around the sky thanks to the impressive technology it was fueled by. It never ceased to amaze you. Your (E/C) eyes then moved to him, the mere sight of him making you experience that bizarre feeling you couldn’t describe once again. Despite his ego that was bigger than the entirety of the kingdom itself, he had worked incredibly hard for his achievements and if you were truly honest with yourself, he had every right to be as cocky as he was.

“I’ll do that. Now the-”

“And what of you? The Princess also wishes to know of everyone’s condition. Just in case.”

It was a lie. However, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask about his well-being on your own. He’d never stop taunting you about it. Revali raised his brow slightly and crossed his wings, that prideful aura still emitting from him.

“You can let her know that I am indeed in fine condition.” You lightly smiled at that, delighted to hear that he at least externally was doing fine.

“Revali!”

Both of you turned towards the unknown voice and you saw an unknown female Rito approaching you, her gaze firmly glued on Revali. Your brows frowned in confusion at the sight of the teal-colored Rito who got closer, her amber eyes glowing in excitement.

You were about to say something but when the girl threw her wings around Revali’s torso catching you and him both completely off guard, a wave of shock and confusion hit you like a bomb arrow.

“Nika! What do you think you’re doing?!” Revali asked, completely surprised at the female’s action, a rare expression of embarrassment plastered across his face as she hugged him. The only thing you could do was stare at them, completely and utterly speechless at the sight.

Who was she?!

“Oh, sorry!” She quickly pulled away, allowing the flustered navy blue Rito to take a deep breath and internally deal with the heavy blow to his ego.

“I forgot that you don’t like it when I hug you like that in public.” Nika giggled slightly, the sight of Revali’s feathers puffed up greatly amusing her but only filling you with more bafflement. Nika quickly turned her eyes towards you.

“Oh, who’s this?” She asked, more so from Revali than you. After regaining his composure that was so easily broken, Revali turned to look at you once more.

“Oh, I see!” She stepped forward and extended her wing, which you slowly shook, dying to hear her introduction but also dreading it.

“This is (Name). An acquaintance of mine.” The word he used, ‘acquaintance’, it didn’t feel right.

“She’s an accomplished researcher, the Princess sent her to assess the condition of the Divine Beast.” You had never heard him speak so highly of you before and as much as it would have delighted you, you couldn’t feel even an ounce of joy at that moment. You were more focused on trying to figure out the identity of this female Rito who stayed close to him as he spoke.

“It’s nice to meet you, (Name). I’m Nika, Revali’s beloved.”

Nika smiled and let go of your hand that had gotten cold due to... something. What was this? Your eyes fell on the wooden surface of the landing, this unexplainable sensation spreading throughout your entire being like Malice.

As soon as those words left her beak, you instantly felt something. Something... Painful. As if you were pierced with a Royal Halberd after a bombardment of arrows. You swallowed, unsure how to react.

“Oh... It’s nice to meet you too.” That was all you could say as her sudden words hitting you a lot more harshly than you thought.

“It’s getting dark,” you heard Revali say, his gaze landing on the horizon behind which the sun was setting. “It’d be best if we settled in for the night,” he stated, to which the Rito next to him nodded and began walking, most likely towards their shared hut.

You finally looked up at Revali. “It’s unfortunate you had to meet her like that, I didn’t expect her to cling onto me so... enthusiastically.”

His words didn’t exactly make you feel any better, but you tried your best to stay calm regardless.

And that’s how you met her. The one Revali called his one and only. You couldn’t understand why it had shocked you so. Why were you so bothered by all this? The strange feeling of sadness you couldn’t comprehend followed you like a Hylian Retriever clinging to its owner. It was unbearable. The way he looked at her, the way he spoke to her, it was unlike you had ever heard or seen and the more of that you experienced, the more it saddened you. It took you some time, but you eventually understood the reason for this arduous feeling. Those actions of love weren’t directed at you.

“It’s... It’s fine. I’ll probably go now. It’s been a rough day.” Your voice had gotten significantly quieter and you could only hope Revali didn’t notice it. Fortunately, he nodded at your statement.

“Indeed.”

He turned away from you, ready to join his beloved. “I expect you to return soon, knowing the Princess, she most likely won’t stop fussing about the Divine Beasts until Calamity Ganon is defeated.” He glanced at you.

“So, until then, I’m afraid you’ll have to enjoy my presence a bit longer.” And with that, he left, not that you were surprised, he did so often. This time, however, you felt lonely as your eyes lingered on him for as long as they could before he disappeared into his hut, through which you could have sworn you saw him embrace his... Beloved.

It was impossible to look forward to the trips to Rito Village because you knew you’d see them together for even a brief moment. It was not Nika’s fault, no. She was a kind Rito and you didn’t need to wonder for too long why Revali was so fond of her. You were the one to blame. For allowing yourself to develop such feelings for him. If you had realized them sooner, perhaps it wouldn’t have hurt so much. All you wanted, was to feel his wings around you just like she did, to see those stunning emerald eyes look at you with affection, just like they looked at her. It was impossible, you knew this, yet you allowed the feelings to linger within you, only for them to hurt you even more.

You flop onto the ground with a heavy sigh after defeating a group of Lizalfos that were threatening Zora’s Domain. Breathing heavily, you wipe the sweat off your forehead with your sleeve and catch your breath, the Zora Champion slowly approaching you.

“Is something the matter?” The Princess asks, her soft voice and oddly specific question making you look at her.

“No... I’m alright,” you say, still catching your breath. Mipha kneels down beside you, checking for any possible wounds you may have suffered as she does.

“Usually something heavy weighs down on someone when they fight this ruthlessly,” she says, glancing at the rather brutally defeated monsters that she herself didn’t even get to fight.

She had noticed your merciless attacks and the way you flung your weapon. The Princess had never seen someone defeat their foe in such a ferocious way. In truth, you took your anger out on just about anything that wasn’t a Hyrulean. You kept the feelings bottled up and it was only a matter of time till someone noticed your distress. And the Zora beside you did.

“I’m not asking you to tell me what’s bothering you. But... I’m here. If you need someone to talk to.”

You glance at Mipha, her eyes shining with the most genuine form of kindness you had ever seen. She had her own share of worries, yet she was ready to put them aside and help. Her soft voice filled you with a temporary calm you hadn’t felt in weeks. Her mere presence was already helping.

You briefly look down, going over your situation. Keeping everything inside was already killing you, and with Mipha’s calming presence next to you, the words just come out of your mouth:

“I... I’m in love with someone. But... They already have someone to call their... beloved."

The word had stuck to you, and digging into your being like a sword, yet you let it slip from your lips. Mipha listens carefully, your words hitting her quite significantly. You didn’t know this, but the Zora Princess understands your predicament well.

“How do you possibly cope with that, Mipha? Every time I see them, I can’t help but feel hurt. I can’t get over him...”

“We all have our roles to fulfill, (Name).” She places her trident down and you feel her hand land on your shoulder. Her touch is gentle, much like the healing power she possessed.

“Sometimes... We have to accept the truth. No matter how much it hurts.” You feel like crying. Her words are sincere and you know them to be true, but you can’t bring yourself to accept them.

Your (E/C) eyes fall to the ground below you.

“But how? How can I possibly come to terms with it?” You look at her again, your eyes filled with desperation. You wanted to overcome this, you really did, but it was far easier said than done.

“The only one who’s in your way is you (Name). If you can’t conquer yourself, you will have no hope of accepting the truth. It is difficult to look at someone you love to be so close to someone else, but if you cannot put that behind for the sake of your own well-being, the pain will only increase.”

Mipha’s own eyes glance at the ground, her own pain with the similar situation weighing on her heart.

“Trust me... I know.”

Her words stick to you, slowly replacing the unpleasant thoughts that had roamed within you for so long. You turn to her, an empathetic glow apparent in your eyes.

“Thank you, Mipha. Guess your words also have healing properties.”

“However, there’s always hope. And you should never give up on it.”

A smile tugged the ends of her lips as she spoke, her expression reflecting her words perfectly. The soothing words that left her mouth gave you hope that you thought you had lost and that unbearable sadness turned into something else. You couldn’t help but smile at the Princess.

She lightly giggled at that as you both began making your way back to the Domain.

An exhale that appeared in the cold air as a faint cloud left your mouth as you let go of the arrow, aiming at one of the targets of the Flight Range. You lowered your bow to witness where the arrow would hit, hoping it would land on the center of the wooden target. But alas, it missed the middle by a tiny bit, causing you to let out a sigh of disappointment and frustration, though it was fortunate you managed to hit the target at all since the powerful winds often messed with the flight of any arrow. Still, your ambitious side wanted to hit the bullseye more than anything, so you grabbed another arrow, ready to try again.

“Don’t even try it. You won’t even come close to hitting that target,” Revali said behind you. For a moment, in the midst of intense focus, you had completely forgotten his presence.

After the conversation with Mipha, approaching Revali had become slightly easier. You could talk to him without the constant feeling of envy or sadness, though it did partially enter your being every time your eyes caught a glimpse of teal-colored feathers. You couldn’t be mad at Nika, she hadn’t done anything wrong, so you tried your best to remain calm and friendly whenever she was around, but oh boy, was it difficult.

You lowered your bow and looked at him after rolling your eyes.

“Thanks for the encouragement.”

Turning away from him and facing the target once again, you were about to continue your attempt. Only to get interrupted once again.

“Well if you insist on shooting with an incorrect stance, don’t let me stop you.” In the middle of his sentence, you fired again, but this time didn’t look at where the arrow landed and instead turned towards him again, his words catching you off guard.

“Stance? What do you mean?”

Your brows frown at him, confusion painting itself on a canvas that was your face. He lets out a sigh and walks beside you, taking out his infamous Great Eagle Bow and drawing it.

One of your frowning brows raises up as you watch him, noting how inhumanly steady his grip was as he releases an arrow, which lands on the center of the target you had been attempting to conquer. He smirks at his small achievement and turns to you. How typical of him.

His words puzzled you. Despite the fact that they were coated in his usual sarcasm and arrogance, he had never sincerely given you such words of advice. Sure, he liked to bathe in the statements of fame he dedicated to himself, but hearing him actually providing his guidance was extremely peculiar. Strangely, it made you smile.

“The way you hold your bow is rather... Amateurish, to say the least.”

He placed his wings behind his back and kept his emerald eyes on you. His words had little effect on you and you found yourself lightly rolling your eyes at them as he continued:

“The reason as to why you keep missing is simply because your grip on your bow is unstable.” You glance at your hand that was still holding your weapon, the cold sensation caused by the low temperature tingling on your fingertips quite uncomfortably.

“Thank you for the advice, Revali,” you say as you draw your bow again, paying close attention to your grasp on the wooden material, making sure to keep your previously shaky hand under control. Your hand stays relatively steady and your confidence begins to bloom even under a sharp pair of emerald eyes.

Revali steps away from you, allowing you to finally release the arrow after taking a deep breath. It flies through the cold air and your eyes follow it anxiously, hoping that it would finally hit the center of the target that had been cleverly avoiding you for the past few hours. Your (E/C) eyes widen when the arrow hits the target, and this time, it had hit the place you had wanted. Immediately a smile creeps onto your face.

“Relax your shoulders,” you hear him say, just as you are about to release the arrow. You throw a brief glance at him before allowing your shoulders to relax slightly. This apparently isn’t enough for the Champion, however, as he approaches you, placing a single wing on one of your shoulders, immediately making your eyes widen a bit.

“The key to a successful shot with a bow is the right stance, which is not as simple as someone like you would think.”

His wing pushes your shoulder down slightly, which allows you to relax the muscles, and suddenly, the likelihood of you hitting the bullseye is increased.

Upon turning towards the navy blue Rito once more, your eyes catch an expression that seems to be a mixture of surprise and rare awe. A small smirk makes its way on your features as you look at him.

“Well? How do you like that?”

Your head tilts in the direction of the target that now had two arrows in the middle. Revali lets out a scoff and a laugh.

“I am mildly impressed. Hitting a still target on the ground is in no way a difficult task.”

You find yourself once again rolling your eyes at him as you know that what he says hides what he truly means. That’s the most important lesson you had learned when in his company.

“However,”

He takes a few steps towards you, his wings once more crossed behind his back. “You somehow managed to do it with that.”

His wing points at your bow, which immediately causes you to look at it, only to notice a crack on the wooden surface. “It’s... Broken?”

“Don’t tell me you expect me to oversee everything you do with a bow. If only your eyes were more perceptive, you may have been able to noti-”

“Indeed. I noticed from the moment you first attempted to shoot with it."

You lift your gaze to him.

“You knew it was broken from the start? Why didn’t you say anything?”

Confusion mixed with slight irritation coats your voice as you look at him, noticing him smirking once more as he turns his back to you, increasing the distance between you two as his talons sink into the shallow coat of snow.

His words that were coated in a condescending tone come to a halt when he feels something hitting his back rather harshly. A noise left his beak and he turns around, only to see you with your arms crossed, a mischievous grin stretching your lips, and a small area of snow that looked as if it was missing a piece. Revali’s eyebrows frowned as he swiped the remaining snow off his back, a slight wave of annoyance at the unexpected snowball flowing through him.

“I didn’t expect someone like you to act so utterly childishly.”

Your rolled your eyes, unwilling to let his words affect you, though they already had.

“Well, it was your childish blabbering that caused this in the first place. So technically, this is your own fault.”

Your smirk remains on your face as you purposely, and admittedly childishly, fire back at him.

“I was merely having fun.” You look at him and notice his expression change. It’s a change so microscopic you almost miss it, but something in his eyes indicate that the tone of the conversation was changing.

“At least I know how to have fun.”

“What a ridiculous way to have fun.”

Revali walked past you, his wings once again behind his back. This time, his voice sounded different, a strange spike of anger in it that didn’t go unnoticed and certainly didn’t help the situation or ease your own growing pique.

“And you are saying I don’t?”

You crossed your arms. “Clearly not. Judging by your attitude.”

He scoffed mockingly. “I’ll have you know, I have plenty of ways to spend my time in a meaningful way, that do not involve childish games.”

“Oh, I’m sure you do! When you have someone like her in your life!”

The words that shot out of your mouth almost accidentally linger in the air and echo around the Flight Range, the harsh meaning behind them making Revali look at you, utter confusion and surprise twisting his feathery features. You blink a couple of times, your mind realizing what you had allowed to slip from your lips, and for a moment, you hope that he somehow hadn’t heard your words.

Revali looks at you, then at the ground, processing what he heard. It was true that he had noticed shifts and changed in his feelings the more time he spent with you. The times he would steal a glance at you, knowing it was in a way forbidden due to Nika. You were right, he did have a meaningful life with her, and that seemed to pain him the most. Revali noticed your expression and immediately understood that what you had said had plagued you and weighed on your being for a long time. Still, your words pierced him like a poisoned arrow. He loved Nika, but at the same time, his heart seemed to feel complete when he was in your presence.

“Revali... I...” The words of vindication and apology get stuck in your throat, unwilling to come out as if they know that there is no way to explain your sudden burst of emotion. You wanted to say you didn’t mean it, but that would have been a lie. Jealousy had twisted your mind little by little and you failed to push your feelings aside. You hung your head in defeat, understanding that there was little to do to save the situation. Your feelings were exposed and what would happen next was out of your hands.

After a grueling silence, the Rito finally spoke, his eyes holding a glow of sorrow and disappointment: “I’d better get going back. Back to-”

“Your beloved.” You finished his sentence as a heartbreaking indicator that you understood how much the teal-colored Rito meant to him. He glanced at you but quickly moved his emerald eyes away from your form as the mere sight of you was enough to claw at his insides. A nod was all he could offer as he prepared to leave. He crouched down and took off, leaving you in the midst of the snow that sprinkled around you.

Your eyes dampened with tears as the being you loved slipped away from reach, his saddened eyes not daring to look back as he flew towards the direction where the being he loved was, conflicted by his feelings he didn’t fully realize he had.

#loz #the legend of zelda #breath of the wild #loz botw #legend of Zelda breath of the wild #loz revali #revali #legend of zelda revali #loz revali x reader #revali x reader #legend of zelda x reader #reader insert

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kaiunkaiku · 5 years ago

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Sickdays 6, May 23rd: Red

Fandom: Bungou Stray Dogs

Summary: "Most of his hearing is taken up by the blood rushing in his ears, and his vision is clouded at best, but his other senses are working just fine – the taste of blood and bile in his mouth is familiar yet unbearable, the searing pain in his body is familiar yet similarly unbearable, and the stench of blood lingering everywhere is familiar and makes him want to puke again."

Warnings: Blood, vomit, injuries, hinted suicidal ideation bc it’s Dazai

Still Saturday in the States bitches.

Ao3

Chuuya pitches over the side of the bed and throws up another mouthful of blood. Most of it ends up in the bucket instead of the floor this time, but it’s not much of a relief – Dazai won’t be complaining as much, sure, but Dazai really isn’t complaining about much at the moment anyway. He can’t afford to, even if Chuuya is sure he’d love to, because Chuuya himself is the one throwing up blood and feeling like he’s going to spontaneously combust if he as much as sits up. His bones are on fire, his insides feel like they’ve liquified into nothing but blood, his joints are probably going to either snap or pulverize at any given moment, and he really, really fucking hates Corruption.

He can still feel the ghosts of the red markings on his skin, where it feels raw in a burn-like fashion even though the only thing visible is the bruising. He doesn’t know if his insides can be bruised, but they sure as hell feel like they are.

According to Dazai, he was under for nearly ten minutes, which is damn near the longest he’s ever used it for. He’s not entirely sure where he is, because while he is aware that it’s a safehouse, there’s nothing he can use to tell whether it’s a mafia safehouse, an ADA safehouse, or maybe one of Dazai’s personal ones. He hasn’t seen much beyond the small bedroom he’s in now, having been very much unconscious when arriving. He would like to have that unconsciousness back, now.

Dazai is talking on the phone just outside the room, clearly not caring whether Chuuya hears him or not. He does, though only barely and most of that, too, is too much for him to comprehend. He’s fairly sure he’s feverish, with the way he feels like he’s simultaneously burning and freezing, and with the nausea constantly surging through him.

Most of his hearing is taken up by the blood rushing in his ears, and his vision is clouded at best, but his other senses are working just fine – the taste of blood and bile in his mouth is familiar yet unbearable, the searing pain in his body is familiar yet similarly unbearable, and the stench of blood lingering everywhere is familiar and makes him want to puke again. There’s blood crusted in his hair. He knows he’s still bleeding internally, and he’s fairly sure he’s also bleeding externally, even if he can’t tell where. He almost wants to use For the Tainted Sorrow to force the blood back where it’s supposed to be, but just the thought of activating his power sends a wave of panic through him so fast his breath catches. The phantom markings on his skin feel like they’re sapping him of his control.

Chuuya opens his mouth, maybe to call for Dazai or maybe to just curse his fucking existence, but all that comes out is a choked noise, and then he’s hurling blood again. It feels like his lungs are drowning in it, and motherfucking fuck they just might be. His arms are shaking from the attempt to support him so he can throw up more blood in the general direction of the bucket. His vision is currently shit, though, eyes feeling like they have partially melted, so he can’t be held accountable if he misses it. He’s seeing blurred lines at best, and gray patches all around, and everything is twisting and swirling.

Hell. He might just be dying.

He leans back and tries to focus on breathing. The rattling in his lungs is audible, and even if it wasn’t, he can feel the air crackling in his throat. He feels heavy, in a way he usually only feels when Dazai is touching him, and so often it’s a pleasant feeling; now, though, it feels like it’s crushing his chest. He doesn’t think he’s getting enough oxygen. He’s too tired to panic about it, but he sure as hell isn’t tired enough to be pissed about it.

The details of what happened are hazy at best, but Chuuya is blaming Dazai anyway. The fucker most definitely had the chance to stop Corruption well before almost ten minutes, so Chuuya’s current state of being little more than a pained sack of blood is most definitely Dazai’s fault.

When it comes down to it, most shitty things in Chuuya’s life are.

He blacks out for a moment, or at least he thinks he does, because he blinks and suddenly Dazai is standing next to him, stupid bandages ragged and blood in his hair, and Chuuya can’t decide whether it’s startling or comforting to see him instead of just hearing his voice through the doorway. He likes seeing Dazai, though, even if he is pissed at him – at least the bastard is still here. Hasn’t left him behind this time.

It’s depressing that this is his life now. That after all these years he’s still in love with Dazai, who may or may not fuck right off without notice anytime and leave him with his dysfunctional Ability that could kill Chuuya without him.

There must be something in his eyes, or on his face, because Dazai gives him this little smile that made Chuuya accidentally destroy entire buildings as a teenager, and still makes something flutter pleasantly in his chest. Something presses against his hand and it takes him a moment to figure out that Dazai has taken it and is rubbing his thumb on his knuckles.

“Yosano-sensei will be here soon,” Dazai says, free hand absently moving to fiddle with Chuuya’s hair.

If that’s the case, and Chuuya can’t really see a reason for Dazai to lie even if he’s always searching for one, it must be an ADA safehouse, then. Dazai wouldn’t compromise his personal ones like that, and having two ADA members, both of whom Mori wants for himself, at a Port Mafia safehouse wouldn’t be very smart, or, well, safe.

“So try not to die before that, okay?” There’s an irritating, cheerful quality to his voice, but Chuuya knows it’s a cover, a lie, so he leaves it be. He turns his head so that Dazai’s hand shifts to his cheek.

“I’m pretty sure I’m actively bleeding out, you shitty mackerel.” It’s remarkable how little he feels about that fact; mild annoyance, at most. It’s not like he wants to die – he’s not Dazai – but death’s door is a familiar place, and he’s been aware for a long time now that one of these days he’s going to step over the threshold. He accepted that the day he first used Corruption voluntarily.

Dazai says nothing to that. His thumb comes to stroke Chuuya’s cheekbone, and he doesn’t jostle Chuuya awake when Chuuya dozes off.

When he comes to, there are two voices just outside the room, Dazai and a woman Chuuya faintly recognizes as Yosano Akiko. Dazai is explaining and Yosano is asking questions, so they’re either talking about him or talking about work.

Chuuya tastes blood in his mouth.

Yosano Akiko is an intimidating woman, even to someone who has trained under Ozaki Kouyou. She’s taller than Chuuya (a lot of people are, yes, he knows), and exudes an air of cold professionalism with a hint of sadism – all qualities Chuuya is familiar with, but her unique blend of them commands such attention and respect even before she walks in that all Chuuya can do once she does is stare and nod at her even if the motion pulls at something unpleasant in his neck.

She wastes no time, barely bothering to explain her Ability to him, and then he’s not bleeding anymore. He still feels like shit, though, because her Ability fixes injuries and nothing but injuries, so the phantom markings on his skin stay, and the bone-deep exhaustion that Corruption leaves him with doesn’t go anywhere. Just the injuries.

So at least he’s not dying today.

“You owe me a favor for this,” she says, already packing her things. “One each.” Dazai looks like he’s about to protest, makes an indignant squawk but nothing more.

“Sure,” Chuuya replies, a beat late. He does own his life to her, after all, so no point trying to deny a favor.

(He owes his life to a lot of people. He tries not to think about that.)

Now that he’s not choking on blood anymore, the exhaustion is claiming him fast. He tries to fight it, but he can’t pay attention to the instructions Yosano is giving Dazai when there’s no sharp pain keeping him alert.

God knows why, but he trusts Dazai; has trusted him for the past eight years, even the four filled with uncertainty and anger. So he lets himself drift off to the sound of Dazai’s voice and trusts that it’s safe to do so.

There’s a soft brush against his forehead and No Longer Human surges through him.

Yeah.

Safe.

#sickdays 6 #bungou stray dogs #soukoku #my writing #fanfiction #whump #whump fic

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scionofchaos · 4 years ago

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Withstanding Suffering

Today, I would like to talk to you about a practice I have spoken of once before. In our lives, we have to endure great hardship in order to make ends meet. The more strain your physical body is under, the more this is reflected in your Consciousness, your memory, and your ongoing thought life. I cannot teach you how to regenerate, or how to become invulnerable, but I can teach you how to withstand suffering.

It is easy to look at a physical ordeal as being an entirely physical matter, but the truth is that your body will quickly recover. Human bodies are extraordinarily resilient; they hurt in the moment, but only to tell you that you need to relax and recover. Once given ample opportunity, your body will do exactly that (barring some existing condition that makes it harder for you to recover). The real harm is non-physical. When you are uncomfortable or in pain, you fixate on the feeling. When your mind can't handle that anymore, it finds something else to gripe about, as a way of deflecting the pain onto something else. Maybe a sound that you presently find annoying, or a flashing light that irritates your eyes. Maybe you find that you don't like the way someone dresses, or the way they talk.

Now, because of your own suffering, you feel inclined to make others feel worse, and make other people change your environment to appease your senses. If this is allowed to continue, your mind has nowhere to retreat but into itself. Nothing more can be changed externally, so the changes must occur internally. Your mind will sit and burn its limited resources on changing its shape, changing its behavior, into something that feels the pain less. When it cuts itself off enough, you will lose that sense of togetherness with other living beings, lose your spiritual awareness. Soon your expulsion of harmful behaviors will become so dense that no one can reach you. Their pleas to help you, to comfort you, or break you out of this rut, will only reach the malicious shell of a person you've created. Once a being reaches that point, they are not savable; the only thing that can change is the construct of negative Karma they created external to themselves. It will take a powerful transformation to bring them around and help them to see the light.

Any experience that is causing you physical discomfort or pain can be broken down into parts. There is a part that has to do with your body itself, maybe an injury or just general wear and tear. That is not something you can do anything about during the experience; wait until you have time to relax and recover, and then seek help. But the second part is sensory. Your body will communicate to you through feelings of awkwardness or confinement, feelings of heat and cold, and the sensation of pain, but these are not accurate; they are general warning signs. My gallbladder had to be removed in 2016, and when it acted up, I thought something was wrong with my intestines or appendix. Much lower than gallbladder. You may also receive synesthetic bleed-through -- effects upon your sight, hearing, smell, and taste, which warp your perception because of your pain. Most often, this is just increased agitation as a result of surrounding stimuli, and not a full change of what is sensed. People in pain become intolerant of even the smallest thing getting their attention. By manipulating your Conscious essence, you can weaken these sensory effects and put that essence to use somewhere else.

There are also psychic signals. Fight-or-flight signals that make you want to hurt something, go somewhere, or even harm yourself, in false pretenses of making the pain go away. Fear signals that something more severe could be wrong with you. Anger signals generally directed at your clumsiness, your weakness, or at someone you believe caused the pain. There may even be psychic signals that in turn generate hallucinations, making you think or see things in a way other than the real. Like the sensory experiences, you can manipulate your Psychic essence to weaken these signals and redirect the essence. Force your mind to think about something else, or to enter into a calm, thoughtless state.

Then there are vital patterns. These are scars of your vital essence, which are forcing you to adapt to the pain, to change as a result. If allowed to proceed, these patterns can be the hardest to fix in the long run. You will want to assume control of your life, and remove or alter these patterns. Pain is there to keep you informed; once the stressor is over, you will not want the pain to change who you are. If you have chronic pain like I do, the worst thing you can do is let ongoing physical suffering decide who you are. Erase the patterns it creates, and shape your vital essence into something more reflecting a calm, healthy being in control of your life. If you become your pain, then you risk changing into a creature that only understands the world through the lens of suffering, and seeks it rather than seeking your betterment.

The most effective method for dealing with these problems takes inspiration from the simple practice of weeding. If you pull weeds so that they break, the root will regrow the plant from its base. That is why you take the whole root system out. With your pain, trace these sensory experiences, psychic signals, and vital patterns down to their base form -- the waves of Causality communicating discomfort between you and the world. Find them, identify them, and prepare a plan for how to send your own waves. Muffle the existing ones and force Causality to bear the message you decide. The waves are telling you that something in your body, or something in your environment, is going to harm you. But you will tell Causality that you are strong, that you recover quickly, that you are safe. These signals will work to repel harmful things from you, but more importantly they will communicate to your body a more realistic impression of your experiences. This will help you to avoid suffering over a tired back or worn-out knees, where a simple, quiet "Hey, this needs rest," would suffice. Just because your feet need a break does not mean your body has to send torture signals.

Once you have uprooted these sensations and patterns, work upward from Causality, into the Physical and the Conscious. Send your physical essence into the places that need reinforcement. Send your conscious essence to inform your body that you are safe, and that you will rest soon; that it needs to flush out the lactic acid and dead cells, and replace them with healthy structures. Proceed into the psychic, and order your mind so that it will not dwell upon the painful experience, but focus on more pressing, long-term issues -- like your prosperity and getting to a place where you can be happy and content, regardless of your physical situation. When your mind is at peace, proceed into the vital. Harmonize with the life around you; rely upon their strength, but do not draw heavily upon them; only rely on them for comfort and support.

People may not be consciously, or financially, able to support you in this moment; but all life forms are connected, and all are there to be leaned on in the realm of Life itself. Take care that, when you have stripped the suffering out of your being, that you do not leave the space empty. Keep it filled with renewed physical strength, supported by diet and rest, and enrich that physical essence with Conscious essence. Instruct those base essences how to comport themselves, with the motion of your Mind and the commanding presence of the Vital. Remain mindful of the changes, checking back in frequently to ensure new pain does not supplant your work.

#mysticism #energetics #psychic #magick #spiritwork #energywork

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xjamlessparkx · 6 years ago

Text

divorce | myg |11

summary: in which you have to go through a painful process of your own family shattering

pairing: yoongi x reader

genre: angst

01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 |12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17

“Y/N! Listen!” You heard him calling from behind. You started to walk faster, in hope that he would disappear. He shouldn’t follow you after you left because you just told him that it was late.

He didn’t stop and soon a warm hand grabbed your wrist and turned you around to face him. He winced at the sight of you.

It wasn’t your intention, but as soon as you left you started crying and him calling your name wasn’t making it any better.

“What?” You snapped at him, stepping back and pulling your hand out of his grip.

“I, I made a huge mistake…” he started, going through his hair in an attempt to find words. His hair was pretty messy as his eyes were fixed on you, examining your whole face in hope to read your expressions. There wasn’t anything, but sorrow to read from you.

“It doesn’t feel like a mistake, though” you were surprised about the words which left your mouth. If he had been confessing to you weeks ago, maybe you his words would affect you. But now, they didn’t.

“The day … when you were drunk. You-” you cut him off, shaking your head at his statement. You knew where he wanted this conversation to lead to.

“Yoongi you just said it yourself. I was drunk. Anything I’ve said was because I wasn’t in my right mind… ” he shook his head as he shut his eyes, sighing deeply. Suddenly his hands reached out to you, his warm hands cupping your cheeks as he pulled you closer to himself. Slowly, he wiped away the last tears. You, on the other hand, were startled by his sudden action. Your eyes were wide, lips slightly apart while you watched Yoongi.

You couldn’t remember the last time you were so close to him. It felt like the first time in your life and your heart started beating faster. At that point your own body, your own feelings irritated you more than Yoongi’s words could do. It was confusing how you jumped from a monotonous condition to a feeling making you wanna combust in seconds. As if you were a teenage girl who fell in love for the first time in her life.

“You’re lying!” He breathed out, his forehead leaning against yours as he pulled you even closer. “You and I, we both know that there is still something between us, we can’t get rid off.” At his statement your heart sank and literally fell from its place, making you wince in surprise.

Your eyes were darted on the ground, afraid of looking up into his eyes. At some point, you didn’t realize that the position you were in was dangerously close. A part of your body wanted to push him back, but the other part didn’t allow you and wanted to rest a little more. Feel his warmth and closeness for the last time. His affection which made you feel loved by him, for the first time after your marriage.

“Yoongi-” your voice was wobbly and you tried to maintain your breath. Not realizing that you were somehow crowed by people around you, you stayed in your position. People would give you both a glance but ignore you and walk past the two of you.

He shushed you down. “Look, we all make mistakes. I know that mine is huge and that it will take time to recover, but I really don’t want to lose you. I’m an idiot for not taking care of you. An idiot for wanting to divorce-” his voice cracked as he talked. His warm thumb was brushing against your cheek slowly. The last word sent a shiver down your spine as you looked up, noticing how close the two of you were. Clearing your throat you put your hands on his chest, gently pushing him away while you step back.

“We, we shouldn’t do that…” you say as you stare into his eyes, the intensity growing.

“Y/N… I am so sorry” he was serious, you could tell by his expressions but you still didn’t want to accept the truth.

“A sorry won’t bring all the memories back we shared. A sorry won’t forget about the pain you caused. Remember when you told me that after our children know we will divorce. They already know …” you bluntly say, focused on his face.

“Y/N-” he started but you cut him off. The anger was bowling inside you, about to blow off. You now realized what he was pleading for.

“You want us to reunite? Live together again, as if nothing happened. Cause a trauma but then act like it wasn’t harmful to our children?” You say, your words being sincere as you point at him.

“Doesn’t that make you selfish? You only think about yourself, your own happiness and how you feel sad and regret what you did. What about us? Ahran, Junsun and me?” He couldn’t say anything, he was blown away by your words. Even though he wanted to protest and tell you how much he suffers at the moment. How much it hurts him that he let go of his family for a period of time where he felt wanted to have fun outside of his marriage. At some point, he overthought his decisions and asked himself if he really was mature enough for a marriage and a family.

“Ahran was going through a mentally painful crisis, not feeling loved by her parents. She had to agree with our decision because we are adults and decide what’s good and bad for us” your voice was surprisingly calm as you spoke and you also were a little taken back by your own mood changes. “Junsun seems like he isn’t affected at all but I hear him crying himself to sleep at nights. I see him fighting with his classmates because they make fun of his parents who are divorcing. I see him not attending birthday parties because he refuses to see others happiness when he himself can’t be happy at all. And me …” you voice cracked, feeling your throat burning as you couldn’t say anything. Your words didn’t come out, instead, you felt the tears forming in your eyes.

Yoongi’s eyes were teary as he listened closely to what you said. His heart sank at the painful process his children had to go through. He realized that he never really was ready for a marriage and regretted his decision of proposing to you so early. Maybe things would have a different turn by now.

He wanted to reach out to you, wipe away the tears which he knew he caused. But it felt like something was holding him back. Was it shame or fear that he would hurt you even more?

“You can’t just jump from one conclusion to other. Let’s assume that we will get back together. Ahran and Junsun might be happy at first but what if it doesn’t go the way we want it to be? If we can’t get hold of our relationship now, do you we can in the future? We can’t just play around with their feelings just because we have needs ourselves” You clarified, taking a deep breath as you wipe away the tears.

“We… we can try” he muttered. Indeed, he was hurt and ashamed but he still didn’t want to lose you. Not again.

“We can’t just try and wait for what will happen. We aren’t teenagers. We are adults who have children. The word ‘try’ doesn’t exist in our dictionary. It’s too late already …” you tell him and wait for his response. He doesn’t say a word.

“I wish you would’ve acknowledged my effort…” you whispered, hoping that he didn’t hear but he did.

“Words can’t describe how much I am sorry for what I did. Apologizing won’t work… but I really don’t want to give us up?” He started, stepping closer. In that moment, he felt the confidence growing as he hesitantly reached out for your hands.

“Us? Is there even something left about us?” You pulled your hands back out of his grip. “You already have a new relationship. Shouldn’t you focus on that?” You lifted your eyebrows, clearing your throat.

“It doesn’t matter how cruel a woman is. In this world, no woman deserves to get betrayed or cheated on. Not even Yuna. Doesn’t matter how much I want to avoid her. I’m not a person to destroy one’s relationship, not even in my dreams and you should’ve known by now. I wish you the best Yoongi…” you mumble, leaving him with no words left. You turned around and walked away.

On the one hand feeling totally dejected and disappointed for turning him down. The only chance to recuse your family, but on the other hand, you were proud of your confidence in speaking up against him and his wishes.

Nonetheless, it felt refreshing to finally be able to speak up without him talking down to you. Even though, what you said was sincere you hoped for him to not suffer like you did. If this would be the beginning of the crisis then maybe you would’ve wished him the same but now, everything was totally different. You knew how painful it was and never wished anyone to go through the same.

Externally, you were solid and serious about your decision but internally you wanted him back so bad.

Sometimes, we have to give up what we love to gain something new.

You two coming back together would cause more harm than good, you knew it. No matter how much you wanted him back, you should focus on your children’s feelings and future.

You pulled out your key and opened the door. Haning your jacket on the hanger, you went inside. Your mother crept out of the kitchen, with a towel in her hand as she dried her hands. The moment she spotted you, she furrowed her eyebrows.

“You’re early?” It was rather a question than a statement.

You sighed, putting the keys on the counter, “I lost my job” you plainly state as the lips of your mother dropped wide open.

“W-What?!” she shouted as she eyed you with wide stares.

“I’m tired…” you muttered. It felt like you talked enough for today. The conversation took away your strength and power to stand on your own feet. The only thing you wanted was to lie down and do nothing for the whole day. Even though you knew that the second part would be hard.

You heard your mother calling you, but you weren’t listening as you went into your room and let yourself fall on the bed, pulling the sheets closer to yourself.

No matter how much you were proud of yourself you asked yourself if this was really the right decision made

#bts series #bts angst #bts scenarios #bangtan angst #bangtan angst scenarios #bts angst scenarios #bts x you #bts x reader #bts angst series #min yoongi angst #min yoongi scenarios #min yoongi series #yoongi series #yoongi scenarios #yoongi x reader

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gg-astrology · 7 years ago

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Since both Hoseok and Jimin are infamously known as the two who are most scary when angry, can astrology tell us how scary?

Hey there! 💕 Thanks for sending this in dfkjnkn I’ll do my best to explain it 💕

[Below Cut: BTS anger]

warning: long post

Note: this is just my interpretation, feel free to have your own interpretation on the subject. As always, please use your own discretion when reading! 💕

Premise

First thing that comes to mind is that context might be important here, everybody gets angry to an extent. How they lash out depends on how angry they are and who they are as well (nature- overall placement, nurture, how they’ve grown/developed/matured).

Some people might have trouble getting angry (they’re just never angry) Some has only experienced mild irritations. Suppressed emotions can be pretty common, especially those who just doesn’t know how to express themselves properly/acknowledge their feelings.

They’ll have to learn sooner or later. How to recognize and resolve ‘negative’ emotions they might feel. How to express them healthily, and how to do so in doses instead of overly-expressing them or suppressing them entirely.

Now, the reason Hoseok and Jimin might be ‘the scariest when angry’ is within the context of BTS themselves. How often does the other boys express their anger? How do they express it? Is it just irritation, frustration or do they suppress/act passive aggressive about it?

Taehyungie

Taehyungie– with a truckload of Capricorn in him, is literally the most peacekeeping lil shit without actually being peaceful himself. Capricorn Mars, Aries Moon, Aquarius Venus. Alot of his energy goes into making sure nothing gets too out of hand, but at the same time– trying to find objectivity in his reasoning/situation in order to express his anger

(Like, there has to be that ‘exact’ moment where everything in his head makes sense within the context of the conversation, so he can just insert it out there – like a pre-formed phrase that’s just waiting for the right time/context to be expressed you know? Kind of like Cards Against Humanity.)

Capricorn placements (especially Mars) might find it so much easier to just swallow down their anger– a momentary emotion, in order to observe and find the best way/opportunity to express them properly.

The head always rules the heart, even when the heart is close to breaking down in tears/a million pieces (not trying to be melodramatic sdjfnakns this is just– how it is sometimes)

There’s a reason Capricorn is exalted in Mars, and it’s because they can literally put themselves on the back-pedal in order to put the situation first.

It’s the same self-sacrificing aspect they have, where they don’t want to ‘burden’ others with their emotions/problems because they feel awkward expressing themselves. A dumbass about it, but a well-intended one (that’s going to bite them in the ass eventually).

There’s power and dominance in being able to handle your own emotions, even if you had to suppress them at the beginning. In terms of anger, oh it’s not like he doesn’t feel anger. It’s just that– the Capricorn/Aquarius way, anger is always expressed through the head, through objectivity, rather than emotionally letting go/releasing that outwards.

It’s this innate need for power and control over their own objectivity that makes them quiet, makes them seek a different opportunity to express themselves. They’re stubborn and foolhardy, they can wait forever just for a 0.5 window of opportunity that’s perfect to align itself for them.

(Also, Capricorn Mercury/Mars – loud booming voice, no heat in them. Intimate sometimes, but always clear about what they want. Once they’ve reached a limit/others push them to the limit, they’ll become pretty blunt about self-protection.The loud voice is more to do with intimidating tactic, done subconsciously. Not really meant to harm/shout at others, it’s just the way they naturally escalate in volume/primal in a way. Push authority into short words but straight to the point. Doesn’t like to do this to others bc they feel guilty/like they’ve wronged their social responsibility to others (some moral integrity stuff)– so they’re always trying to ‘soften’ themselves up constantly/outside of the context.)

Jungkookie

Compared to Taehyung, Jungkookie has more of an internal alignment to be peaceful internally– even if he doesn’t know how to do so/exert it externally that well (he’s still learning).

Virgo, compared to Capricorn– is more internally controlled. They’re aware of what they’re doing, what they’re going through, how they deal with situations. While Capricorn as a cardinal sign, is more intuitively aware/experienced with keeping peace externally.

Virgos as a mutable sign, is more of a sign that configurate things inside of themselves and if the solution isn’t satisfactory– they go ‘this aint it’ and work to find a ‘better’ solution (in regards to emotional dissatisfaction/anger).

Virgos motive for making a move is centered around ‘can it be improved?’ – if it’s a constructive criticism, if the other person can make some changes around it. Will it be useful/helpful going further? They’re stubbornly prideful, clings onto their moral integrity. If it’s just a ‘passing emotion’ they’re less inclined than any other signs to make a screaming match about something that doesn’t matter to them in the long-run.

Moral integrity is the utmost important, and then ‘will they listen? will they accept help?’ becomes secondary factor on whether or not they should express their anger. Like Capricorn, it’s pretty controlled. Clean cut, moral objectivity. But in this case, there’s actually an allowance for irritation to flare or personal feelings to come forward.

They’re not going to deny themselves the opportunity to feel something, but they will most likely deny expressing it to another person. Would rather eat the poison and suffer alone, than drag anyone into it because they don’t know how to express it properly. Maybe after they broke down, they process everything and have had time to think about what they want to say– they might consider letting others in on their inner thoughts/vulnerabilities. Maybe not.

(Also, Scorpio Mars. Has the ability to ‘shut off’ emotions to get things done. I know, ‘water signs are emotional’ and all that– but when it gets too much, too overwhelming and they have to focus on a single-minded goal/objective– they are prone to just exerting themselves into action, to reach a certain goal, with or without hurting other people along the way.)

(Can be kind of prissy, isn’t booming like Tae but isn’t backing down either. Clipped, short but shows more self-control/awareness of other’s emotional receptivity than Tae does/primal. Isn’t guilty about it unless Leo Moon dictates so.)

Namjoonie

Can’t talk about anger without mentioning Namjoonie. Again, with his Virgo there’s a modicum of control. But also with the Sagittarius Moon, Libra Mercury and Cancer Mars– there’s a conscious decision to ‘slither’ this control into something different, something not as openly hurtful to others, but still self-expressive.

Anger is just an emotion people go through. Frustration, embarrassment, shame, regret are emotions everyone’s supposed to feel.

There’s no shame in acknowledging that, in discovering and categorizing that inside of yourself (Virgo - wants internal control/seeks out externally, and part of that control comes from noticing emotions inside of themselves - Cancer/Scorpio)

With a Sagittarius Moon (fire moons), every emotion feels physical. Your face flares up, your heart-beat quickens.You react instinctively, through what you’ve already experienced/know before their brain goes on shut down.

Processing of emotions comes after, putting a name to it acknowledging what it is and figuring out a way to counteract it in the future.

See, the thing about it is that fire signs feels emotions but can’t control it. It’s an automatic reaction, everything catches them off-guard. Water signs feels and acknowledge emotions but doesn’t see the point in letting it all out at once (inner-depth/internal emotions not just external ones).

Sure they might know how to navigate through it and often wish to ‘turn it off’, but the comparison between fire/water sign is like throwing a pro-swimmer and a non-swimmer in a pool and ask them to stay afloat for 30 minutes.

One is just struggling to survive while the other is tired because they’ve been paddling for 15 minutes. Fire signs shows more emotional reaction than water sign does, mostly because they don’t have complete control over their emotions the way water-sign does.

Water signs acknowledge emotions, acknowledge reactions and learns how to navigate through it. How to swim, how to figure it out, how to work through it eventually. Fire signs are stuck at the beginner-level swimming phrase for a lot of their emotional reaction.

Having both of these in one’s chart (Sagittarius Moon/Cancer Mars/Scorpio Venus) – Namjoon can’t control his emotional reaction (his frustration/anger)– but he can learn how to categorize them, how to work with them and how to express them to others properly.

He feels emotions (not just anger) truthfully and honestly. He learns how to hone it, how to cope and work with it through social obligations/situations (Scorpio Venus/Cancer Mars). He’s a sneaky bitch who acts passive-aggressively sometimes, side-eyes, snarks, can be a little insensitive but he’s learning.

If there’s a situation where he can’t express his emotions, earth/air takes over. That’s his awkwardness, fire/water at least acknowledges/expresses emotions. Earth/airs would rather die than express any kind of vulnerabilities they haven’t screen-tested before showing it outwards.

Think of it as like, the head (earth/air) versus the heart (fire/water). Which side would you choose? Which side is more important? Neither, but when it comes to anger/expressing anger– Namjoon might let his heart rules him before his head (earth/air) actually shifts into gear (vice versa too, but it usually lets to the heart losing control and the head having to pick up the pieces/try to keep a modicum of control that we’re talking about earlier with Virgo)

The difference between Namjoon and Jungkook is the configuration of placement. They might have all the elements there, but Namjoon has 2 counts water (Scorpio/Cancer) while Jungkook has 2 counts earth (Virgo Sun/Mercury).

With an elemental balance (all elements in a chart) – the ones that’s overwhelmed by the other is the one that needs to be practiced, learnt and is like their ‘vulnerability’.

So with Jungkook, anger is more controlled than Namjoon. He may not express it well/all at once like Namjoon does, or know how to do so without holding back —but it’s heart-felt anyways. Namjoon goes heart-first in expressing his emotions, his thoughts, he tries to make it reasonable, but the heart/emotions wins over logic when push comes to shove.

It’s kind of like– the 2 count head/earth is the overt exertion, while the heart is the underlying layer for Jungkook. While for Namjoon it’s the opposite, the 2 count heart/water is exerted (way of expressing his emotions) and then the head is the underlying layer underneath (trying to keep balance/control).

(Which is why– if he holds a grudge, the heart doesn’t forget and the head works to keep it under-wraps. )

(Always wants to win, so the main objective to Libra Mercury is winning the argument. Competitive without realizing it, especially when Cancer Mars is engaged/cardinal. Smug but firm, gloats a little.)

Yoongi

Now we have a watery man example. Yoongi is?? similar to Jungkook and Namjoon in a way. Pisces Mercury, Aries Venus are quick to point out things that they disagree with. They may be easy-going most of the time, but if it’s taken too far by someone else– they’re the ones who’s going to go ‘this aint it’ and explain to others what could be added to make it better.

Of course, emotionally he’s aware of himself (virgo moon) but can also steer the direction very quickly (pisces). Yoongi is like, the opposite and similar to Taehyung.

Tae’s fire moon earth sun expresses emotions physically but also suppresses himself– doesn’t have time to acknowledge bad behaviors/habit he has or the emotion he just went through.

Yoongi’s aware of the emotions he went through/feels, he can suppress it too if he wants. Most likely if the opportunity/the way he words it isn’t to his liking.

With Pisces Mercury, often times he has a hard time expressing his emotions forward to others anyways. The way he goes about expressing/connecting to others is through teasing (Aries Venus) motivating others, guiding them/being there for them (Virgo Moon).

In terms of anger/expressing anger, Virgo/Aries takes over externally. ‘This ain’t it’ becomes the biggest concern, constructive criticism but also objectivity becomes key points. Underneath that, is the underlying Pisces/Cancer– he cares, it’s from the heart. Emotional connectivity to others for protection, guidance, empathy and realizing objectivity in the situation.

More of the type to rely on empathetic logic/rationality (emotional) than trust himself to express things from the heart completely. Everything is kind of a ratio of 1:2 emotions to logic. Mostly from that Virgo Moon keeping things under-wraps for him (internal control).

At the same time, he can tend to take personal offense to things because of this Virgo/Pisces/Cancer part. Nagging, irrationality, personal complaints about his personal lifestyle that isn’t bothering anyone might irate him (less serious stuff -> irrationality anger, more serious stuff -> rational empathetic anger - Pisces).

Yoongi structures things methodically, systematically through the head to achieve the heart’s emotionality/expressing the heart out. That’s why, compared to Namjoon, he tends to be much more a person who holds a grudge over the decades and plans for revenge (with a smugness/air of superiority that Pisces/Virgo has, ‘martyr-like’ superiority) because the heart really doesn’t forget, but the head also works to exact revenge exactly as planned.

(Because of trouble expressing the self, tends to rely more on Aries Venus to get through to people. Complains a lot, goes about seeking things in a roundabout way sometimes.)

Jinnie

Next we have Jinnie, let’s acknowledge how the luminaries are fire/fire which makes him pretty expressive/lose his head pretty quickly. But the lower half, his inner planets– are Scorpio/Capricorn/Cancer.

Similar to Namjoon, but because Namjoon has a Virgo Sun, he can tend to hold back a bit more (trying to figure himself out) while Jin has no regards expressing how he feels in a way that’s accessible to him – logically but also rapidly.

I know we’ve all said ‘Jin’s hiding something’ or has a more ‘serious side’ to him– but that’s mostly just a Capricorn and how Capricorns typically are. There’s no hidden agenda, everyone just thinks Capricorn are like hidden darkhorse or something/has something underneath it all.

Capricorn and Scorpio both are kind of objectively driven, pressured by the same kind of stamp as each other (time/challenges) grind in the same kind of mortar.

The reason most people feel unease because of these signs (‘they’re intimidating’ or ‘they’re mysterious’) is because people like to objectify them without understanding/acknowledging them as people themselves. (Wow what a surprise that Jin gets treated the same sometimes by the fandom!)

Jin expresses anger through objectivity, but it comes in layers.

One, if it’s frustration/immediate he jokes about it, tries to bring it to attention so others can pick up on the ‘actual’ gravity of the situation through pressure/tenseness of his snark.

Two, if that doesn’t work– he expresses his points objectively instead. You’d be caught dead in a ditch if a Scorpio Mercury actually spill their heart out to you with all their vulnerabilities, everything has to be screen-tested first.

You’ve been screen-tested, his emotions are screen-tested, his strength/weaknesses are screen-tested. Everything can be tested in order to ensure optimal support and transformative motion to the situation.

Three, it’s pretty straight forward. Unless he can handle it himself (keep it under-wraps) work through his insecurities/vulnerabilities and come out alive. He likes to categorize concern for ‘ones to talk about with others’ and ‘ones to deal with himself’.

Control — Capricorn/Cancer/Scorpio all talks about having control. Externally most of all, what you see is what you get (for now). There’s more underneath it (obviously) but unless he’s ready to conclude/worked through it already he’s not going to let anything get ‘messy’ externally so others can see it.

Control is also level-headedness. The key word to Jin is that he’s not messy. His emotions aren’t all over the place, everything is pointed, purposeful. Evoke something purposefully with an objective/punch-line he can run with. Even his jokes/first level frustration has an objectiveness to it.

It’s great because it’s systematic and objective right? There’s the private, personal and public. Everything is organized in layers. Whether you want him to be personal or his public self, he can bring it out for you. The main key here is Capricorn Venus dependability. Combined with Cancer Mars control/protectiveness.

(This ‘not messy’ part is important. Having layers helps him with this. It’s not like Namjoon or Yoongi, who can get quite messy. Not like Taehyung or Jungkook who’s abhorrant to messiness in general (on a spectrum of Taehyung/Jungkook to Yoongi/Namjoon how messy are you?). Jin isn’t afraid to get dirty with his emotions, but he cleans up after himself afterwards because he knows how.)

Hoseok and Jimin

Now, we get to the two in question. The members mentioned how they’re the scariest when mad right? Well after we’ve looked at everyone– on the scale of Taehyung to Namjoon– how messy do you think they get?

There’s two things here. First, Jimin doesn’t hide his anger/frustration. Most of all when it comes to himself. His own frustration/anger at himself, he’s pretty expressive about how he feels, where he’s at emotionally and wants to engage emotional conversations with others (BV3 - also Scorpio Venus).

Hoseok hides his anger/frustration. Not through an obligation (although it does make an easy convenience/excuse to do so considering his job) but more like he doesn’t understand it, can’t control it. Doesn’t even know how to go about acknowledging it sometimes (Taurus Moon).

We see the sister signs Scorpio-Taurus here more prominently. And of course, Namjoon who also has a Scorpio Venus is just as messy as Jimin (although Jimin is– substantially better at controlling/using his Scorpio than Namjoon is)

The key point here is that Jimin doesn’t hold back from expressing himself. Crying when someone mentions it? Expressing his emotions/thoughts? His Forte.

He grew up learning how to do this, despite his awkwardness shy clumsy ass. He doesn’t disallow himself to express what he’s learnt to express, what’s good for him, what he shouldn’t keep to himself.

The luminaries (Libra/Gemini) is lighter than the lower half (Scorpio Venus/Mars)– there’s a balance of rationality to emotionality. Doesn’t mean he knows how to control it.

What he lacks in fire/earth– makes him learns thing step by step. He doesn’t rush into things, doesn’t hold himself back. He learns what he has to learn and he keeps going that way. Focused, in the present, build up from each other without suppressing himself down (Libra/cardinal).

Which is why he has a better grasps at expressing himself emotionally than Taehyung does, or directing Jungkook on where to go/how to do things when kook needs a little more emotional direction (Namjoon is kind of similar in this way to Jungkook)

Jimin isn’t head driven or heart driven, he’s made up entirely of those two (air/water). That’s his entirely (Libra/Gemini/Scorpio). He isn’t like Yoongi who lashes out playfully to his own inability to express himself properly (Pisces Mercury/Aries Venus) or Jin who reacts in layers (Fire Sun-Moon/Scorpio-Capricorn-Cancer)

Jimin’s steadfast in his approach to emotional reactions, he learns and grows as he goes– step by step. He doesn’t hide himself or hold himself back.

Figuring out that literally 6/7 of the team members have some earth placements in them that kind of acts as an ‘anchor’ holding them down – its freeing to be able to zooms in and out of guiding others in the right emotional direction as well.

Now we look at Hoseok. Who is literally the opposite of Jimin. He’s just as zoomy, quick on his feet. But emotionality? Pah.

The thing with Taurus Moon is that unless it hits them in the face, they won’t even realize what they’re feeling sometimes. This isn’t stubbornness, it’s literally obliviousness.

Thus why, when they ‘explode’ (because, y know. Suppress it until you can’t make it. But unlike Virgo/Capricorn, Taurus doesn’t have that self-preservation sensor that tells them they’re nearing their limit/should express themselves now)– it’s a whirlwind of unexpected, surprising emotions. To them and to others.

The reason why it’s scary is because they don’t even realize what they felt/how they’ve been feeling. Everything is fine and dandy in the Taurus world until it’s not. And then it’s like the Apocalypse is happening. Because everything comes crashing down all at once, taking everything– the Taurus themselves, others around them, off guard completely.

This isn’t like the Scorpio native who knows their emotions, comes in short bursts, can fix it/control it pretty quickly.

The Taurus literally has no idea where it’s coming from, so any modicum of control they may have over their situation/themselves/others? Gone in a flashflood (*depends on the person, mostly their development/placement)

The repercussion is a series of self-evaluation. Wondering where they’ve gone wrong, what they didn’t notice the first time around. It’s a slow learning curve, unlike the Scorpio’s transformation/regeneration process. The Taurus is stagnant in what it’s learnt/know, so it grows only when it does some serious self-evaluation (after) and not during it.

The thing with Hoseok is that he’s also made up of Aquarius and Pisces. So besides that Taurus Moon– his problem is that he’s always a bit frantic. Pisces does that to people, want to be appreciated, want to be near/close and observe others. The power of their astute observation is also their downfall, because that directly fuels their anxiety.

It creates a time-scape where they’re concerned about the now, the future (or think constantly about the past without doing much about it). They don’t have time to self-evaluate or go through the process of learning the Taurus has to do in order to progress/grow the way it wants to.

Aquarius observes, direct, helps both sides. But getting involved in the Taurus’s messy emotions or the Pisces’s urge/desire? Unlikely. To others who needs it– yes, sure of course. To itself? It’s own problem? Pah.

So now we have two duality. Both who learns in similar ways. Step by step, growth spurt by growth spurt (fixed).

But one who doesn’t realize his emotions until it’s too late sometimes (wants to help others, wants to be useful/helpful and cries easily - Pisces Venus)

And one who still has to learn, to be able to explore all types/variety/ranges of emotions (optimistic, idealistic, wants to explore, looks on the positive - Libra/Gemini)

They counteract each other, one who controls and the other who loses control (Taurus-Scorpio * this is kind of simplified, they’re much more complex than that but this is kind of a small conclusion in regards to the context/subject above).

One who looks at things optimistically and one who wants to do things properly (Gemini/Libra/Scorpio-Aquarius/Pisces/Taurus)

They balance each other out. They work similarly, approaches things similarly, but execute things differently from each other.

Conclusion

On a scale of all of Bangtan, Hoseok’s obliviousness to his emotions is even worse than Taehyung is.

Mostly because Taehyung still acknowledges that he does have emotions, and his burdened with his ‘worser’ emotions (don’t want to burden others) – while Hoseok doesn’t even acknowledge that he has it, or felt it. Going straight to solving other’s problem or approaching it practically instead (Aquarius -making the fall out worse sometimes)

Out of all of Bangtan, Jimin’s on the other end of the scale. Maybe tied to Namjoon or the Hyung-line (Jin, Yoongi). He’s kind of like Jungkook, as time goes he gets more control over his range of emotions. And thus, he learns how to balance it out himself.

Note that Earth and Air signs do feel emotions, and can express said emotions. But whether or not its ‘good’ or ‘bad’ emotions to them, will dictate how/if they express it to others.

So yeah, contextually. It’s all of Bangtan that should be considered. As well as perspective of those involved. To me, someone like Yoongi or Jin would be hard to handle. Mostly because my way of handling my anger/emotions wouldn’t know what to do with those who express their anger/emotions that way.

Considering Bangtan, and their lack of experience with Taurus emotional expression (or Gemini emotional expression) – it might be hard to calm them down or help them if they can’t approach it/understand it in their own way.

Whether someone’s scary when they’re angry or not depends on how well equipped we are with handling them. Whether we see it in ourselves, or whether we lose control completely.

I mentioned control a lot in this answer, mostly because that’s part of the problem (abundance of control/too much of it) but also the way it’s expressed to others. We all have some kind of control over ourselves, as– you know– maturing adults.

We’ve learnt how to express ourselves differently, some of the lingering problems when we were kids are still there, but we try to grow with it, grow through it anyways.

Ending Ment

Sorry if this was a bit messy sdkjfnkasnf I feel really stiff coming back after going on vacation for a while. But I hope this is a good answer anyways 💕 Thank you for sending in the ask! 💕

#bts #bts asks #hoseok #jimin #namjoon #taehyung #yoongi #jin #jungkook #bts astrology #bangtan astrology #kpop astrology #bts scenario #bts imagines #bts reactions #anon #asks

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giftedsupport · 6 years ago

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In my work with emotionally intense, sensitive and gifted individuals, I am cautious of the confines of categories and diagnoses. Far too often, the most creative, forward and independent thinking people are being misunderstood, mislabelled and misdiagnosed.

Being sensitive does not equals vulnerability. Sensitive people are innately porous and receptive to their environment, making them painfully aware of not just physical sensations, sounds and touch, but also relational experiences such as warmth or indifference. In a critical, undermining setting, they may devolve into despair, but— and this is important to note— in a supportive and nurturing environment, they thrive like no others.

It is true that because of their unique ways of perceiving the world, they are acutely aware of and have more intense internal responses towards existing problems in their early lives, which may exacerbate the impact of any developmental deficits and trauma. However, sensitive children respond to not just the negative but also the positive. They may be more prone to upsets and physical sensitivities , but they also possess the most capacity to be unusually vital, creative, and successful.

In other words, the sensitive ones are not born ‘vulnerable’, they are simply more responsive to their environments. And with the right kind of knowledge, support and nurture— even if this means replenishing what one did not get in childhood in adulthood— they can thrive like no others.

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA

Difficulties in regulating emotions- Uncontrollable mood swings, persistent sadness and depression, explosive or inhibited anger, being easily triggered by external events and not able to manage the emotions that surge up.

Chronic Shame - A persistent sense defectiveness— the feeling that one is disgusting, ugly, stupid, or basically flawed. This may involve thoughts such as ‘nothing I do is good enough’, ‘there is something fundamentally wrong with me’, ‘I am bad and toxic’. Such extreme self- hatred may lead to suicidal thoughts and self-harming behaviours.

Disconnection and Isolation- Because people who experience early trauma had not felt welcomed into the world, connection (with both themselves and others) becomes a core struggle. They may feel a sense of isolation, of being completely different from other human beings. They simultaneously have an intense need for and an extreme fear of contact.

Feeling ungrounded and powerless- Many People who suffer from developmental trauma constantly feel ungrounded and un-centered in their bodies. They may feel like frightened children living in adult bodies. Many get overwhelmed easily; when things happen, they easily feel close to breaking down.

Hopelessness and Despair - Chronically traumatised individuals feel hopeless about finding anyone who can understand them. Many lose a sense of meaning in life, struggle to sustain faith, and live with a lingering sense of despondency.

Nameless Dread/ Hyper-Vigilance- By being chronically traumatised, their nervous system remain in a continual state of high arousal, which reinforces the persistent feeling of threat. Many feel that they cannot relax, and have to always be looking out for danger. They may be irritable and jumpy, suffer from insomnia, and other anxiety-related disorders and obsessive- compulsive tendencies.

Numbness and Emptiness - Because the repeated abuse or neglect was so painful, many have employed dissociation as a way of coping. This may involve disconnection from the bodily self, emotions, and other people. By keeping threat from overwhelming consciousness, they can continue to function in the outside world, but is left with a chronic feeling of internal deadness.

#psychology #sensitive #gifted people #hsp #highly sensitive people

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enigmaphenomenon · 7 years ago

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Something’s up with Jack (Another Jack analysis)

I believe Handsome Jack has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Let’s first go through the symptoms of BPD. In order to be diagnosed with BPD one needs to have repeated patterns of 5 out of 9 symptoms of BPD. I’ll go through the symptoms Jack displays.

Google gives a very brief list of symptoms. I’ll highlight the ones Jack is shown having.

Behavioral: antisocial behavior, compulsive behavior, hostility, impulsivity, irritability, risk taking behaviors, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, social isolation, or lack of restraint

Mood: anger, anxiety, general discontent, guilt, loneliness, mood swings, or sadness

Psychological: depression, distorted self-image, grandiosity, or narcissism

So let’s just dive right into his symptoms. I don’t...really need to provide examples of Jack’s narcissism, do I? Because that one is obvious as all hell.

1) An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection.

Oh yeah. And Jack reacts quite violently to what he perceives as betrayals and/or abandonment. If you trust Jack instead of Fiona at the end of Episode 2, and refuse to trust him in Episode 3 when he asks you too...uh...

“Oh. Oh, that’s a... shame. Because I thought--- I thought we were becoming pals. Saved your life back there and you...still don’t trust me? You know I’m uh...I’ve had to deal with this my whole damn life you know? You try to do the right thing and people just... crap all over you for it. Well, congrats kiddo. You’re the latest in a long line of Jack-shitters. Super psyched about it.”

This isn’t the first time Jack mentions that he should have seen this all coming, he mentions it again at the end of Episode 5.

“I should have seen this coming--ever since I came to this nacho-flavored shithole of a planet. I’ve been betrayed by everybody I gave rat’s ass about. My boss. My girlfriend. Hell...my goddamn daughter.”

Then, of course, Jack telling Rhys...

And....

Jack has extreme violent reactions to people he views as being against him, even when they aren’t. Adding to this is Jack’s hatred of all vault-hunters due to Lilith and Roland’s betrayal and also his fear of being shot in the back if he lets his enemies live. Remember he was willing to forgive the Meriff and let him live until the Meriff tries to shoot Jack as he’s walking away. This then leads to Jack airlocking scientists just for the mere possibility one of them might be working for Zarpedon. Also, when Athena or whoever else you play suggest just rushing to the vault and not fighting Jack insists they all must die, stating that if you let your enemies live, they’ll shoot you in the back.

2) A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel. (People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, with nothing in between. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash from your rapid swings between idealization and devaluation, anger, and hate.)

Moxxi, Rhys, Angel, and his second wife.

Moxxi says he was clingy and that’s why she dumped Jack, Jack blew up her slaughter dome thing due to this, but this doesn’t stop him from asking her for help to fight against Zarpedon.

Rhys? Aw man just take a look at this switch.

“Oh, wow. I wish I could hug you right now. I’m gonna make a robot that just hugs you when I tell it to. I’m so proud. I’m so proud of my special boy! This is a perfect partnership, Rhys. You trusted me. I trusted you, and now we’re here! Man--never really had a partner I could count on before. Feels kinda dope”

No Jack, Rhys doesn’t want a giant Endoskeleton to crawl inside his body.

“This was YOUR chance to make history, you moron! To be part of a legacy! To matter for once in your useless little life!”

Angel doesn’t need to be explained right? In the ECHO logs in Borderlands 2 Jack cycles between being amiable towards her and then lashing out at her.

His relationship with his second wife was ruined over him refusing to shut down the control core, and in an ECHO log it’s stated she disappeared shortly after telling Jack to shut down the control core.

3) Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

Jack is a meglomaniac who sees himself as the hero and as a god, but, in BL2 he brings this up:

"I know you think I'm a monster. You think I enslaved Angel. But you didn't see what she did to her mother. I had to restrain Angel's power. You get that? I had to."

He brings this up to the vault hunter. Why? What does he care what the vault hunter thinks of him? Jack sure as hell hasn’t cared at all about “bandits” opinions of him. And he really isn’t shy about blaming other people for something, come on, this is the same man who says he shot a baby because THE BABY was being a dick.

Jack doesn’t blame Angel for betraying him. As he said in TFTBL, she had no choice. He also doesn’t say that vault hunters killed her. He says that she killed herself.

This is Jack being hit with the realization that his daughter is dead, and that he drove her to it. He’s the monster who enslaved Angel, but he says he had to do it (I’ll go deeper into this in a different essay). He had to to restrain her power, he had to, as if he didn’t have a choice. There is guilt behind these words.

To compare, in Tomb Raider 2013 there was extra dialogue (that for some reason was not in the final version of the game) after Lara has her first kill, she tells herself “I had to do it. I had to do it.” That’s how Lara rationalizes taking a life. If she had not killed that man, he would have killed her, so she “had to.”

I believe its the same with Jack. There is guilt there. Why would he feel the need to defend his actions to the vault hunters? To the “bandits?” He saw Angel ask the vault hunters to end her life, he saw her call them friend, her last dying breath was needing to tell her father that he’s an asshole. Jack knows. He knows what he’s done. But he’s too mentally ill to accept it, or change it. If anything, that just drove him further into insanity.

In TFTBL Jack also mentions that he knows where Rhys is coming from and imposter syndrome is normal, and to just strangle that voice in his head that says he’s not good enough.

4) Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship

Hahahaha ooooooh yeaaaaah.

Spending sprees: Butt Stallion

“My day? It's been pretty good. I just bought a pony made of diamonds, because I’m rich. So, you know. That’s cool.“

Unsafe sex:

“If I’da just thrown stock options at the Vault Hunters instead of bullets, I’d be on a beach right now doing disturbingly graphic things with the local ladies.”

Drug abuse:

He mashed up a mushroom and snorted it...a lot...

Primo hit of electri-drugs.

His chair also has contact activated Dopamine injectors.

Jack drinks, a lot apparently, since he thought either sex or drinking would kill him.

It really wouldn’t surprise me if Jack participated in orgies which he probably totally did.

5) Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Jack is...really unstable and I don’t think anyone will disagree.

ECHO logs in BL2 depict Jack going from manic to a fit of rage both with Angel and Mr. Tassiter. As well as Mr. Moorin who he strangles for mentioning his wife.

Or when he gets really excited...

6) Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the hole with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

After becoming CEO he became dictator of Pandora, then decided...hey why not conquer more planets? Why not basically become a god? That toppled on top of Jack’s drug use and sex life. He bought a diamond horse and named it Butt-stallion...

He also says that when he takes Rhys’ body he’s still gonna use it to eat food and bang a bunch of people.

(A side note, Dameon Clarke while answering questions as Handsome Jack said that there’s a lot of smiling going on but he’s actually dead inside. I just wanted to add it here as a point of interest.)

Jack also tolerated Mr. Tassiter’s insults until Tassiter told Jack that he’s a pathetic nobody under his mask. This leads to Jack strangling him and keeping his goatee as a reminder of what happens to people when they’re a dick to Jack.

7)Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time being angry at yourself.

I don’t feel I need to provide examples for this one. We’ve all seen Jack’s rage. He uh....really goes off and it is not easy to stop him.

Now that we got Jack’s symptoms out of the way let’s move on to causes.

Most mental health professionals believe that borderline personality disorder (BPD) is caused by a combination of inherited or internal biological factors and external environmental factors, such as traumatic experiences in childhood.

...

Hereditary predisposition. You may be at a higher risk if a close relative — your mother, father, brother or sister — has the same or a similar disorder.

Stressful childhood. Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused or neglected during childhood. Some people have lost or were separated from a parent or close caregiver when they were young or had parents or caregivers with substance misuse or other mental health issues. Others have been exposed to hostile conflict and unstable family relationships.

Let’s start with Jack’s genetics. If you saw my last post about Jack, it was wondering if Jack’s grandmother was a bandit and/or psycho due to her buzz axe. It is very possible that Jack’s grandmother and mother also suffer with some mental illness.

Onto the stressful childhood. Grandma’s buzz axe which was a disciplinary weapon she used on Jack, and in The Pre-Sequel, Jack is asked to describe his childhood which he says his mother abandoned him on his abusive grandmother who would smack him around. He also had a pet cat that his grandma drowned because he didn’t make his bed. He cites this as “the usual stuff”

Jack has both genetics and environmental factors that can lead to someone having mental disorders.

Jack’s drug use and drinking would aid in making his BPD symptoms much worse as well.

So...yeah, there’s my Jack analysis.

#handsome jack #handsome jack borderlands #I was listening to Jack's Obsessions from the nightmare before christmas

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the-letter-horror-lover · 3 years ago

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Sin-Soaked Yearnings

phantomichaelis (orphan_account)

Summary:

There are several mediums with regards to coping up with loss. Be it the loss of innocence, something precious, or perhaps someone who may or may not mean an awful lot to you.

Notes:

I want fluff, angst, and smut for the rest of the year. So this is a start, I guess?

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

"What do you mean, he won't wake up?!" Hollered the wee Earl, his usual unperturbed tone an octave higher.

"He just won't," The nameless doctor replied. "We tried everything, my Lord. But he just would not wake from his slumber." He added, as though he himself found the situation both odd and alarming.

"Is he," Finnian swallowed. "...dead?" He voiced out the question that Ciel wanted to ask, but the bile that threatened to climb up his throat prevented him from doing so. A glare was sent towards Finny's direction but the trepidation in the young Lord's eyes dulled its effect.

After a quick glance at the aforementioned body, the doctor gave them a reluctant shake of his head. "As peculiar enough as it is, I do not think he's dead," He mumbled, afraid to meet Ciel's eyes so he stared at Mey-rin's worried ones instead. "His heart is beating without a problem, he is breathing as though a normal person would, and no sign of bleeding nor any injury could be seen on his body; both the external and internal aspect of it."

"So how come he's not waking up?" Impatiently, Ciel was quick to ask, supressing the urge to stomp a foot loudly onto the ground like the child he was.

"I'm ashamed to admit that I do not hold the answer to that, Lord Phantomhive," said the doctor, with his head sagging a bit. "It is the first that I've encountered such a case. If I were to seek the attention of my fellow doctors working in the same field, they most likely would find the case unfamiliar as well."

"Then what are we to do with him?" Asked Ciel, gesturing to the unmoving body. "I cannot have my most competent servant unavailable for even just a wee bit."

A sigh of weary came from the medical practitioner, "For now all I can advise of you is wait," He said, gathering up his belongings and preparing to leave. "I will still see what more can medicine do, or if we're in luck, perhaps he'd come around after a day or two."

He bid the Master and the servants of the manor a half-hearted farewell before rushing out to his waiting carriage, to which Ciel did not even acknowledge, as he was still preoccupied with his butler's current state.

"Luck?!" He mumbled to himself. "Did he honestly expect me to base my servant's well-being out of sheer luck?" Was the added bitter retort, as he paced the side of Sebastian's bed frustratedly.

The Earl paced a few more before halting to face the other occupants of the room. "The lot of you," He addressed. "Out. Leave me with Sebastian for a whilst." Finny opened his mouth to argue but was quick to shut it, seeing as Mey-rin and Bard were already scrambling out of the head butler's chambers.

Once alone with the stiff form, Ciel was quick to yank his eyepatch out of the way. "Sebastian," He called. "I order you to get up and start fulfilling your duties to me, this instant."

The inhuman seal etched onto his eye burned bright, sending a faint purple glow to cover his ivory cheek, and yet... nothing came of it.

"Sebastian, that was a direct order from your Master!" He tried once more, but the only indication that their contract still was intact was the glow from Sebastian's own seal that pulsed with his own.

Exhausted, confused, and irked, all at once; he took a well needed seat beside the butler's tall form and place his small palm above the Demon's chest. Taking wee comfort from the faux beating heart under his fingertips.

Anything just to keep him grounded that Sebastian indeed, was still alive.

***

Irritation and misplaced anger was how he first voiced out his frustration.

Tanaka took charge of handling the manor during Sebastian's inability, and even he, was not able to escape the young master's wrath.

"Cancel it. Their offer is not worth discussing and Funtom's better off as it is now." Said the Earl, eyes glued to his current task.

"Are you certain, young master?" Reluctance was evident from the wise butler's tone. "This could potentially benefit the company in the long run."

That lone blue eye was quick to narrow at that response, his fine brow wrinkled with irk, just as it had usually been this past few weeks.

"Last time I checked, it is my company to run. Surely I would want and know what's best for it, wouldn't I?" His response came out more condescending than what it sounded in his head, especially considering Tanaka had been a major part of the company's administration up until then.

"Very well, young master." Quick and polite, the older male replied, exiting the room with grace. Knowing when he is not needed.

Guilt rushed towards Ciel like a massive wave, but already, the damage has been done. In a span of a few weeks he managed to disrespect the man who raised him, angered two of Snake's beloved pets, more than likely traumatized Finnian, and humiliated Mey-rin to the point of crying; perhaps losing Bard's respect along the way...

Ciel never stepped foot inside Sebastian's room again ever since the day they had him checked... or so the servants thought.

At night, after every other soul is within their own rooms, Ciel pads down the butler's place and lash out all of the pent up fury inside his heaving little chest.

"Are you not at par with the Undertaker? Did you not say so yourself that no one is a challenge so long as I give you the order?!" His mismatched eyes burned as he stared at the unresponsive form. Recalling the day that caused of all that ruckus.

"We could have fled if it was too much for you! You certainly are faster than him. But I guess it was that hellish ego of yours is what prompted you to stay and fight, wasn't it? You egotistical bastard!" A pillow was thrown directly at the servant's calm face but even that did not garner any response.

"I ordered you to rest, but not for this bloody long!" Frustrated hands were thrown dramatically into the air as the once vivacious butler remained unresponsive.

Once the fury died from his eyes, left with none but the growing ache inside his heaving chest; All that he could feel was the weariness of waiting. His shirt clad form slumped ungracefully onto the floor, just by the foot of Sebastian's bed.

"It has been a month, Sebastian," He informed the lad. Sebastian's perfect human mask looking serene and far up as he stared. "How long do you intend for me to wait?" The Earl added, in a voice so small that it matched how vulnerable he felt without Sebastian by his side.

***

Melancholy, came next. Masked under apathy and the lack of will to continue.

As the months bled into a year, almost everyone lost hope that Sebastian would ever wake up.

But Ciel was never one of them.

Their contract was still intact. He argued in his head. Sebastian's human body remained as well molded as how he left it a year ago, alive but devoid of conciousness.

Eventually, whatever ill-feelings the servants held against Ciel were quick to be dismissed once they saw through his year-long facadé.

The boy appeared as though he could not care any less about Sebastian's state but some minor slip ups of Sebastian's name gave away his longing. They pretended not to notice how Ciel disappears from his room every night, everytime one of them checks upon the child.

They were able to piece everything together once Finny heard it, one night. A voice, coming from the head butler's room.

His first thought had him ecstatic, concluded that finally, Sebastian was awake, but after recognizing the familiar voice of his young master, confused, frustrated, and just a little desperate; his heart broke a little.

Immediately, the boy seeked comfort from Mey-rin arms, Snake's calming presence, and Bard's strong words as the lot of them wept a little for what their young master had lost...

Once again hoping alongside Ciel, for him to have it back.

***

This was it, he was sure of it.

He could not see it but felt how his arms tripled their effort seeking for his prize. The strain of what it felt like eons of moving, trying to outrun the pull that keeps him away, was ignored as excitement bubbled up his chest.

It had been so long, too long that even a being such as himself was left to consider the possibility that he had just imagined all of it.

But alas, the pull of their contract was not something to be taken lightly. He could feel it under his skin, pulsing and thrumming as though reminding him of his rightful place.

He could feel him...

And he had agonize long enough over the demon's return.

It took him a couple of breaths before his conciousness finally settled, the dark room proved no challenge as his eyes instantly located the very thing that he yearns for.

"Young master." The demon let out, a mix between a sigh of relief and a soft coo.

The Earl, however, remained unmoving. Wide and unblinking bicoloured eyes stared up at him from the foot of his overused bed.

Under his ivory lid, their seal of convenant was pulsing wildly as though matching the erratic beat of his heart, but Ciel ignored it in way of softly slapping both of his numbing cheeks.

"Am I dreaming again?" He questioned himself, eyes shut close, afraid that once he opened them Sebastian would be back to his state of unconsciousness.

For it had happened before...

On several occassions he would witness Sebastian waking up, finally ending the dreadful wait that the butler had put him through; but once the relief settled on him, he would harshly be woken up, gasping, and alone amidst the darkness of his room.

"My lord." The demon frowned, finally shifting to rest his gloveless palms over Ciel's smaller ones, halting the slaps that were starting to redden those cheeks. "It is no dream, nor any illusion."

The familiar heat of Sebastian's hands, that sonorous voice confirming what Ciel witnessed were too overwhelming, enough to make his small form tremble as tears started to form under his lashes.

And yet he supressed it, refused to give Sebastian the satisfaction of being privvy to the months he had suffered because of his absence.

"You are shaking." The absolute bastard pointed out, one hand trailing down to Ciel's shoulder.

"Shut it!" Ciel shrugged the touch off, it mattered not how good it felt and how it had been missed.

"You dare have the audacity? Do you have an idea how long your absence was?!" The Earl rose to his knees atop the rumpled bed, towering over the Demon who was starting to shift from his previous position.

Sebastian shook his head, had wanted to comment how he missed Ciel's impertinent mouth but held against it as he left the boy alone with his rantings.

"A year, Sebastian!" He hollered, taking note of how the butler eyes were transfixed onto his mouth. "It certainly was a tad too long for someone who's supposed to be by my side until the conclusion of this contract." One hand reached to yank the servant's tie but lost his footing along the process, sending his chest to crash against the demon's; whom was more that elated to assist him once more.

"Apologies, young master; but it seems as though all I can reply to your frustrations are even more apologies." Said Sebastian, arms steadying Ciel as he sat them both atop the bed. "It is not by choice that I left your side. Never by choice." He reassured him, watching Ciel's features slightly soften.

"The reaper's scythe possibly had a more lasting effect than a stubborn and massive wound. It felt as though I was trapped in an endless realm as I tried to get back to you. I swam, I flew, I climbed, I ran, but there was a pull that seperates me strongly from his body." The butler explained, glad to have finally been given the chance to do so.

Slate brows furrowed a bit, his arms crossed petulantly over his chest as he urged the demon on. "You mean to say that your conciousness stayed alert over those months that your body have not?" Asked the unamused Earl.

"In a way, yes," Sebastian started. "But it is only with you. I could feel you, all of those times." A hand was boldly outstretched for he could no longer help it. "Your rage, your frustrations, every time you are irked, every desperate plea, and when you are losing faith in me, for it dims the light from our covenant every time it occurs." By the time he finished, the wall that Ciel built around himself was finally torned down. Left only with the reminiscent longing he had and all the vulnerability he felt during Sebastian's absence.

Finding consent in his eyes, the outstreched palm found its way to cup one ivory cheek, taking comfort upon feeling that soft skin once more.

"You've waited me for a year," The demon acknowledged. "It felt like I yearned you for a lifetime." For it is true, it felt like he had spent an eternity trying to get back to Ciel. With only the occasional glow from his hand to take comfort in and surge him on.

Ciel swallowed, felt himself trembling again by the unabashed confession. How was he to explain the agony he went through everytime he considered the possibility that Sebastian might never return? And the absolute joy that coursed through him now that he had him back?

"I shall alert the servants of your state. They will tend to all of your needs as quickly as possible." His voice quivered. Planning to do what he does best whenever he is starting to feel; hide.

"Mortal sustenance will do nothing for me, young master."

The presence was upon him faster than he could open that blasted door knob. Trapping him between the feable door and the familiar press of Sebastian's body behind him.

"It is you that I need," The demon breathed out, "Just you," hot breath ghosting over that small ear.

Ciel knew of that tone all too well. The breathless, desperate plea of his demon everytime they are amidst their once nightly tryst. Certainly, if he was to turn around and face the beast, he'd find Sebastian's eyes glowing malevolently with lust.

Even as certain as he was, he still had to see it for himself...

Then, he regretted it instantly.

Probably it was a mistake to do so; he tied it with how long he had last seen that expression but Sebastian had never looked so alluring before. There was something else in those demonic eyes, something that made his chest tighten. His demon's expression was that of he had never seen before, making him feel like he was most cherished and wanted above all else.

"You have no idea how I crave for you, young master." Those lips descended down his neck and up his throat, "How much I desire you," Suckling lightly at his adam's apple and licking under his jaw.

When the Devil's mouth bumped the corner of his, no resistance was made as their lips finally met. Ciel expected it to be rough and demanding in a way of releasing all of their frustrations. But instead it mimicked Sebastian's previous kisses: soft, sensual, and breathtaking in the most literal of sense.

"Sebastian," he heaved breathlessly, welcoming the sweet way the name tumbled out of his wet lips.

The demon growled, dove in for another kiss as though the mere distance pains him. This one was more ardent, tongues rolled, and teeth clashed, and without even noticing it, Ciel was on his back, sprawled beneath Sebastian atop the bed.

"It has been too long, my Lord." Said the butler, inhaling Ciel's scent, akin to the starving beast he was. "Feeling you but not being able to touch you has been an absolute Hell." Was added, recalling the times he wished naught but be by his Master's side whenever Ciel called for him.

Ciel managed a sardonic snort albeit how heavy he was breathing. "You brought that upon yourself, Demon."

"And with that I apologize," Was the quick response, "Perhaps I do not deserve such kindness but if the young master is feeling quite generous, may I please sate this longing, Master? I could not bear it any longer."

The desperation thrumming from Sebastian sent a shrill of excitement through his core, still he tried his best to conceal how much that had affected him.

"Shut up and take what you need." Ciel's indifferent reply. Haughtily craning his head to the side, as though he wasn't starting to stiffen between his legs.

The cotton shirt was ripped into two the moment he had his permission. They already lost precious time together so why waste any more?

The skin underneath was supple and pristine, lacking the usual marks that littered the small body after each one of their couplings. Still, he was more than willing to make new ones as his mouth marred the soft flesh with his possessive claims of the boy. Ciel was his canvas and tonight he'd be creating a masterpiece once more.

He worshipped that body with reverence until Ciel was hard and leaking from his show of devotion. Those inner thighs were bitten multiple of times, certain to avoid where the boy wanted him most.

Until finally, Sebastian ceased his teasing.

That scorching tongue flattened to swipe from tip to base, going as low as Ciel's scrotum where the scent of his arousal was strongest. Unabashedly, the Devil was quick to bury his nose right there, salivating as he put pressure against Ciel's perineum, lewdly inhaling his excitement.

Weakly, those small hips undulated, back arched and head thrown back. "Sebastian, more." He meant for it as a command, but regrettably came was a wanton plea.

"I've forgotten how ethereal you are like this, young master." Purred the demon, distancing himself for a moment to shed the barrier of fabric that kept him from truly feeling Ciel.

"When you're needy and desperate for my cock." He ignored the glare sent his way and took his place back between those parted legs.

"Confess to me, little one. You tried haven't you?" His wicked grin was answered with a confused look, so he elaborated further. "Tried to recreate the feeling of my hand surrounding this," The jutting erection was pumped twice, "or perhaps my mouth?"

"S-sod off. I d-ugh! did not!"

"Oh?" That silver tongue dragged lower, until his hot breath was against the boy's rosy entrance. "You mean to say that you have never tried to reach that special place," Ciel's taint was given a languid lick. "...here?"

"Sebas-" The name died on his lips once the butler started lapping at his entrance, tongue swirling, and lips suckling the puckered flesh.

"Were your fingers enough, my Lord?" Said body part were felt at Ciel's taint, how and when Sebastian had slicked up his fingers with oil was lost to Ciel. More so, when they had finally breached him.

"S-sebastian!" He could all but holler, hips unconciously shifting to allow his Demon a deeper access.

"Because the last time I recall only I can reach it."

"Ngh~ Seb!"

"Slamming at it hard until your gorgeous eyes rolled back... Ah, a most stunning sight." One that he cannot wait to lay eyes on again.

Crimson eyes heatedly alternated between the Lord's face contorting with euphoria, and the lewd way his fingers were swallowed up by the tight heat. He had gotten three inside and was happily making room for himself, when he heard it, choked out of his Master's mouth.

"Ngh-Please!"

"What was that?" Wanting to hear that sweet voice again.

"Sebastian," The boy panted his name, eyes opening to reveal lovely lust-blown irises. "Please."

"Hmm? Please what, my darling boy?" Quickly, he removed his digits, moaning from the slattern wet sound it made.

Then, the captivating boy surprised him further when the wanton expression changed to that of one befitting his title as an Earl.

"Please shut that insolent mouth of yours and fuck me properly!" Their seal of covent burned, along with the embers of lust that all but consumed the Demon. He growled with feral excitement, making his lip bleed from a sharp incissor.

Situating himself over the panting lad, he tried to contain all of his carnal promises into three meager words.

"Yes, my Lord."

Ciel all but screamed when the Devil plunged into him, the sound quite literally being ripped from his throat. It had been too long since he felt the heat of his Demon inside him, the sweet and agonizing stretch of accomodating Sebastian's girth to the thickest part of his base.

Shallow thrusts were delivered as the whole room shook with the demon's delight, finally reunited with his most precious Master. The organ inside the boy was thumping excitedly, drooling heated liquid that slicked up the snug walls.

"...Move." Came the next order.

It did not take long for them to establish a satisfying rhythm, desperate enough as they were. Knuckles gripped the sheets tight as the Earl was railed eagerly by his excited Demon, maybe a tad too excited...

When Sebastian paused and flinched for the second time, their euphoria was halted for a whilst.

"What's the matter?" Ciel asked despite his breathlessness.

Sebastian gave a weak smile as he clutched the area where his massive wound previously was. "It appears as though I am overexerting this body, master."

The pair stared blankly for a moment, until Ciel broke the contact with a light shove at Sebastian's chest.

"Off." He commanded.

With a sigh of defeat, Sebastian carefully pulled out, perhaps his Lord would allow them to continue once he was back to his full health.

A gasp later, it appears as though the surprises for that night aren't done just yet.

Groan was all the Demon could do when he was pushed on his back and strandled. Twin moans echoed in that small space once Ciel unceremoniosly sat on his butler's cock all the way through.

"Move with me." Was all the lad said before continuing their previous chase for ecstasy.

Once more, Sebastian found himself lost to the view of how beautiful his boy was. Not that Ciel was any less lovely doing anything else, it's just that this sight of him was reserved only for Sebastian alone.

And by God did the Demon took pride in it.

"Sebastian!" The boy hissed once he was eagerly fucked from below, one of the Demon's palms tugging furiously at his erection, causing him to lose his rhythm.

"Ah, young master." Moaned Sebastian, his head thrown back. "Fall apart... for me." He purred.

"Seb-bast! Nghh" One of the Demon's hand was entwined with Ciel's smaller one despite how drunk with lust the boy was. "Never .. ah! Never leave... me again, Sebas...tian. That's an o-order!"

"'Won't," The butler's hoarse but determined reply, "I'd drag you to Hell with me." He promised and let his eyes convince the boy further.

One hard thrust was given from below before he felt the familiar and well missed feeling of Ciel's walls clamping deliciously around him.

He stared, even amidst his own peak, for how could he not? When Ciel looked as if the Demon had brought him to the realms of Heaven, instead of the pits of Hell that he had just promised.

The boy fell forward and Sebastian did not miss a beat as he captured those swollen lips into a heated kiss. He closed his eyes and felt fully rejuvinated all of a sudden, more intoxicating than being fed ambrosia by the gods.

Ciel shifted to settle more comfortably atop his Demon, noticing the almost serene expression across the butler's face.

"Sebastian?" When Sebastian kept his eyes closed and his breath started to even out once more, panic was the first thing that Ciel felt. "Sebastian!"

The demon groaned from that futile attempt to shake his shoulder, he shifted and quickly snatched the boy above, locking his limbs around the small form.

"Sometimes, my Lord," He mumbled, still with his lids shut. "Demons enjoy to partake in the luxury of what you call sleep." A smirk was formed when he felt a weak slap at his chest.

"Bastard," The boy snapped. "You can't really blame me for reacting the way I did, can you?" That one was rhetorical and the butler responded by further pressing himself to the lad, until there was no more space between them. His nose was buried amidst the tangle of slate hair.

"Sleep. I'll be here when you awake." Sebastian mumbled out, feeling serenity the likes of which his kind did not even deserve.

With that, Ciel immediately welcomed the lulls of sleep. Content and admittedly a bit giddy from the promise of waking up in the arms of the one he longed to hold.

***

The noises certainly were enough to rouse the whole manor.

How to properly react upon their new discovery was something else that the lot of them clearly did not want to broach.

"It's good to have Black back. Says Oscar." Snake was the first to speak, trying to hide the obvious flush across his pale face.

Beside him, Mey-Rin blindly nodded her head, her glasses had fogged up awfully due to her quick and heavy breaths a moment ago.

"Y-yes... Good for t-them." She stuttered out, still gripping both of Finny's ears as the lad tried to squirm in order to welcome Sebastian.

"Well..." Bard started, clearing his throat as the noises finally stopped. "At least we know he's alive and fucking-- I mean kicking!"

Notes:

Come pester me on Tumblr @phantomichaelis. Kudos and reviews are much appreciated! ❤

The Heathcliffe Murder

Viscount_Vampyre

Summary:

A young noble Lady enlists the help of The Queen's Guard Dog to investigate into the disappearance of her father. As ever Ciel revels in a challenge, but a simple case of a missing noble is never quite that simple, and as he begins his work he finds that maybe she's not telling the whole truth.

Chapter 1: The Heathcliffe Murder Chapter One

Chapter Text

Chapter one – Another morning

Bluebirds chirped loudly outside Ciel’s bedroom window. Outside in the hall the steady stride of approaching footsteps drew him from the warmth and comfort of deep sleep.

Is Sebastian late today? The little Earl thought,

It’s unusual that I woke before him.

Blinking rapidly Ciel’s body slowly began to go through its process of awakening.

Pushing the covers away from his chest and raising a fist to his eye Ciel yawned, he stretched his back slightly as he rubbed grit from his long feminine lashes.

“Sebastian? What time is it?”

Raising both arms above his head he stretched again as he expectantly turned his gaze towards the door.

There was a slight knock before a voice called through the oak.

“My lord, are you awake?”

Removing his patch and rubbing the other eye now, Ciel felt overtaken by yet another yawn, and in the middle of shuddering from it and while in the action of rubbing his eye he involuntarily nodded in response before eventually finding his voice.

“Yes, yes, I’m up now.” He eventually croaked out, his throat was quite dry, and though he had now thrown off the stronger rigours of sleep he determined that the voice calling through the door was not one he typically heard in the mornings, but he couldn’t yet place who it was. Furrowing his brow Ciel eventually called out.

“Who is that? Is that you Sebastian?”

His hand instantly made its way under the covers and towards the spot where Ciel kept a pistol, he eyed the door with increasing suspicion as it unlocked and the owner of the voice entered into view.

Tanaka moved through the doorway and smiled slightly as he pushed along the small serving cart. Upon which was an assortment of biscuits and a blue tea set.

“Pardon me my lord, but if you recall you had sent Sebastian into London last night on the train.”

Having his memory jogged and upon seeing Tanaka, Ciel nodded in agreement and loosened his grip on the concealed weapon, “oh, of course.” Quickly inventing a reason for his forgetfulness he continued with an innocent throwaway. Though it would hardly matter, what would Ciel owe Tanaka, or any servant for that matter, in way of an excuse.

“I was so tired last night I must have forgotten.”

Unexpectedly Tanaka made a remark which encroached upon excessive familiarity, something that Ciel barely tolerated even in Sebastian.

“You were up rather late entertaining my lord.”

Making his way towards the window Tanaka began drawing the heavy curtains open flooding the room in bright morning light, and bluebirds were now much easier to hear.

Turning back towards his squinting master, Tanaka made for the serving cart and began pouring tea. Though slightly blinded by the light, Ciel fought through the spots in his eyes and threw off the sheets before sliding himself towards the side of the bed. Turning his attention towards Tanaka’s meticulous movements in serving, the little Earl spoke with an uncharacteristic level of haste, and caught the butler in mid pour.

“No milk this morning” Ciel announced, without losing a beat Tanaka ignored the small pitcher of milk he was about to add to the cup. Removing the spoon from the saucer, and placing it on the tray Tanaka raised the full cup and saucer and extended them towards their owner. Speaking in his usual, soothing, manner the old butler punctuated the action.

“Here you are my lord.”

Gracefully accepting the saucer Ciel inhaled some of the steam rising from the cup before smiling and letting out a satisfied sigh.

“As Sebastian is away I shall take the liberty of assisting you in dressing this morning my lord, and to that end I must ask what your lordship would prefer to wear?”

Making his way towards Ciel’s massive wardrobe, Tanaka opened the ornate mahogany doors and began selecting fresh underclothes and socks, giving Ciel time to think. After a few sips, he spoke.

“What do I have scheduled?”

Placing the selection on the edge of the bed Tanaka spoke quickly without having to think, as one would expect of a butler of his tenure. “There’s a meeting with a solicitor from Funtom at eleven o’clock, and then Lady Elizabeth will be joining us for luncheon and shall be staying with us for the remainder of the afternoon, it’s my understanding that she will be leaving before evening in order to attend a gala with some of her friends from York.”

Ciel nodded again upon reaffirming his assumptions.

Tanaka continued as he searched the drawers for Ciel’s garters,

“In light of last night’s festivities a light day to recuperate would be most appropriate; one wouldn’t want to overexert one’s self.” Tanaka turned towards his master and smiled slightly. Ciel smirked at the recognition,

“Indeed.” Finishing his tea Ciel sighed and feigned frustration, “As for the clothes I don’t know what to choose, Sebastian always picks for me.”

He placed the empty teacup and saucer on the end table while Tanaka turned and quickly assembled something suitable for the little lord to wear. It had been quite a long time since Tanaka had assisted Ciel as valet and he couldn’t help but remark at how much different his young master was when compared to a few, short years ago.

Ciel’s nearly flawless porcelain skin had been marred in several places from his captivity and Tanaka took extra care to not allow his lord to see his eyes looking over the scars on his back, or the unsightly brand, which despite the passing years, had yet to show any sign or intention to fade. Tanaka shuddered as he began to think, what horrors this poor boy was subjected to?

Ciel must have caught sight of Tanaka’s gaze because his eye stared intently at the butler, and his top lip curled ever so slightly, a famous telltale indication of Ciel’s displeasure at something.

After knotting Ciel’s tie Tanaka was about to straighten and wipe any ruffles or wrinkles away when Ciel broke the growing awkward silence,

“I can manage.”

Tanaka knew from the tone and the abruptness of his voice that Ciel had indeed seen Tanaka’s show of concern and was not going to be in a pleasurable mood for the foreseeable future. Tanaka briefly entertained the thought of apologizing but resolved that it would only further exacerbate the issue.

“Before I see to your breakfast is there anything else you would ask of me my lord?”

Ciel sat himself on the edge of the bed and adjusted his cuffs, gracefully spidering his thin fingers with a determined look upon his brow.

He deigned it unnecessary to vocalize a response but instead offered a slight huff. Tanaka bowed and ushered the morning tea tray with him as he exited the room.

Standing up quickly Ciel closed his eyes tight and breathed in deeply, steading himself and making ready for another day.

Meanwhile, somewhere between London and the Phantomhive estate, Sebastian was traveling back towards his master as instructed, but with a curious companion in tow.

Chapter 2: Chapter Two

Summary:

Sebastian arrives with his companion, Finny introduces himself, Ciel makes his decision, and Snake scares Bard.

Chapter Text

Chapter two – Sebastian’s return

Steam and smoke bellowed upwards from the cooling engine of the train. Straightening his tie the noble butler Sebastian stepped through the doorway of the passenger carriage and landed solidly onto the stone platform.

Turning back towards the train car he extended his hand to assist a young lady out of the car. Lifting her skirt with one hand she took Sebastian’s in her other.

Upon landing on solid earth the young lady let go of her skirt and brought her hand towards her mouth, as she did so her grip of Sebastian’s hand waned and the butler raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

“Are you quite alright Miss?”

The lady adjusted her hat and swallowed her obvious discomfort. She nodded before leveling her eyes at the butler.

“Yes, motion sickness you see. It is always at its worst when I get in and out of carriages, or on and off of horses.”

She offered an assuring laugh to add credence to familiarity of the sudden malady and though it would have worked on most any other man; Sebastian was not one so easily fooled and was keenly aware of her true condition since the moment he had met her acquaintance in London the previous evening.

“That seems a most inconvenient condition, if I may say.”

She smiled awkwardly, as she agreed. “It is, truly. Though I am quite recovered,”

Sebastian and the young miss began walking down the platform towards the waiting line of coaches and open top carriages before she continued, “Shall we make for the estate?”

Opening his mouth to respond Sebastian was cut off by a high pitched loud yell.

“Sebastian! Over ‘ere!”

Nearly every head at the station turned towards the young man who had yelled and was now frantically waving his arms above his head.

The young miss brought her hand to cover her mouth and became struck with genuine laughter.

Turning his attention towards the colourful chap who had called his name he saw Finnian standing on the Phantomhive carriage. As he returned a slight wave Sebastian remarked that Finny’s smile had always struck him as being too earnest.

Finnian laughed heartily as he jumped from the driver’s seat and moved through the horses to make his way towards his waiting passengers.

“How was the train Sebastian?” He spoke in his characteristically oblivious manner. Sebastian gave a displeased huff.

“Lady Heathcliffe, this is our head gardener and groundskeeper of the Phantomhive estate, Finnian.”

The young lady nodded and extended her hand towards Finny.

“How do you do Finnian?” She said earnestly, curiously taken by the handsome young man.

Finnian regarded her extended gloved hand with a large degree of discomfort; one this was the first time a Lady, and a noble lady at that, had extended her hand to him and two he grew worried at the expectation of what he had to do next.

His eyes grew wide as beads of sweat were forming on the back of his neck under his straw hat.

I… I’ll crush her hand! I-I’m sure of it! He thought.

To Lady Heathcliffe she began holding back an involuntary giggle at the comical expression before her.

“I… uh...” Finny began before Sebastian interrupted.

“Finnian’s hands are at present quite dirty I should expect, you wouldn’t want your white silk to be soiled would you my lady?”

Finny breathed a sigh of relief at his rescue, and Lady Heathcliffe reluctantly withdrew her hand in such a way so as to avoid any appearance of awkwardness to an onlooker. She looked at Sebastian and nodded.

“Quite, I do thank you Mr. Michaelis. And I must apologise to you Finnian, I hate to have made such an imposition on you.”

She laughed to alleviate the mood.

Finny rubbed the back of his head as he laughed as well, relief flooding his chest. Regaining himself now he looked towards Sebastian and the Lady’s feet for any luggage he might carry for them before remarking with surprise.

“No bags Sebastian?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“We do not, now can we make it to the estate as quickly as possible?”

Finny nodded and vocalized his affirmation, “Mhmm, right!” before withdrawing back to the driver’s seat. Turning back towards his passenger, he spoke.

“Shall I assist you into the carriage my Lady?”

As her eyes followed Finny, Lady Heathcliffe seemed to have ignored Sebastian’s words. Leaning towards her shoulder Sebastian spoke again, “My Lady?”

“Is he an Irishman?” she said suddenly.

“Finnian, Uh,” Sebastian had to admit he was taken aback by the question, “I can’t say I know his background enough.” he lied.

After Sebastian spoke the Lady nodded positively before answering his earlier question, doing so without missing a beat.

“I’m quite well now; I expect I can manage the carriage on my own.”

Sebastian nodded, “Very good my Lady.”

The odd couple then made their way from the platform towards the waiting carriage and entered on either side of the passenger’s cabin. From the station it was a conveniently short trip to reach the estate, of which Sebastian was always thankful when he had to move as if he were human.

When obligated to fulfill the role of a mortal being it always jarred Sebastian at how few things he was permitted to do; cooking, cleaning, even traveling was made all the more tedious and annoying by the added stress of having to appear ‘normal’ before an almost ever present audience.

Though in the grand scheme, it’s not too much of an imposition on my time. He thought whilst he took his seat opposite Lady Heathcliffe.

“All in and settled?” Finnian asked through the small window in the roof of the carriage, Sebastian looked towards the young miss before answering. She nodded and Sebastian replied,

“We are. Now make it to the estate hastily, but do try to avoid the larger lumps in the road.”

Finny nodded before shutting the window pane and setting them on their way, the horses whinnied and began their clopping down the lane.

Sebastian offered an assuring smile, “Finny is very good with animals; the horses respond quite well to his piloting. We’ll arrive shortly.”

Lady Heathcliffe brought a fan out from her handbag and eagerly began fanning her neck as she took several deep breaths.

“That is well. I shan’t be comfortable inside a carriage for much longer.”

Sebastian nodded and opened both side windows, a welcomed breeze soon passed through the stuffy cabin and one could hear the shouts of labourers working in the nearby barley fields.

“Oh, heavens that is delightful… Thank you sir.” Ceasing her fanning Lady Heathcliffe allowed herself a slight breech in etiquette and leaned backwards allowing her back to enjoy the soft cushion of the seat.

“I must remark to your master that you have been the absolute pinnacle of a conscientious servant”

Sebastian smiled and placed a hand across his chest, “Please you’re too kind. I am simply, one hell of a butler.”

After his breakfast Ciel made his way to the drawing room to await the arrival of both Sebastian and the representative from Funtom.

Which would be first however gave him a slight case of unease, the meeting with the solicitor was of course a trifle, something that wasn’t exactly a pressing engagement, but the arrival of Sebastian was much more important. There was the secret guest accompanying him, one whom demanded to meet Ciel in person, who had information for him pertaining to the recent disappearance of a prominent Lord.

Who this person was of course would be a secret even to Ciel, until they arrived alongside Sebastian their identity could be anyone.

This was all to say that Ciel was mulling over and fretting at this case of terrible timing, as Elizabeth had been invited to luncheon and there was definitely no time to write her a valid, or believable, excuse. He felt entirely on the left foot without his butler to assure and to alleviate.

Though with Sebastian in Ciel’s service he doubted that there was going to be much of an issue with the timing, but even with the unlikeliness of failure Ciel did not like uncertainty anywhere close where Lizzy was involved.

As he sat and lounged in his favourite chair Ciel lost himself into thinking, options, and inventing different possible scenarios before eventually making his decision.

Grabbing hold of the nearby servant bell rope he rang for Tanaka.

It was less than two minutes before there was a knock at the door and the aged butler appeared.

“My lord you rang?”

Nodding Ciel then spoke, “I did.” He took a breath before continuing, “When the Funtom representative arrives can you take care of the particulars? I’m sure the green sitting room will suit to meet with him. Make the pertinent excuses for me.”

“It is not your intention to receive him then?”

A curt “No.” was all Ciel had left to say. His lazy and disinterested gaze indicated that he had nothing else to ask of Tanaka, and therefore defeated the necessity for the elder butler to enquire.

“Very good sir.” Tanaka nodded and bowed before exiting the room.

On the side table adjacent to Ciel’s chair was his chess set, the pieces all aligned and waiting for a game to begin. Out of habit, and to a lesser degree, boredom, Ciel took up a piece from the side facing him; it was the black knight. A slight smirk began to form in the corner of Ciel’s mouth.

Sebastian.

A peculiar feeling came over Ciel, as his servant’s name ran through his mind. Looking upwards from the board and towards the great bay window of the drawing room Ciel was surprised to see two carriages making their way down the lane of the estate’s grounds. The front carriage was being driven by Finny, and the other by a local man whom the solicitor must have hired at the train station.

Hastily Ciel replaced the piece on the edge of the board and stood from his chair before making his way closer towards the window.

“Speak of the devil…” he thought aloud.

“Though I suppose think of the devil is more accurate…” He continued to himself.

What are the odds that they were all on the same train? He thought. Regardless, I am quite eager to see just who this secret guest is.

From where he stood he had a wide view of the front courtyard and watched as Tanaka made his way from the front staircase across the gravel towards the slowing carriages. Finny began waving as soon as he saw Tanaka appear; Ciel imagined that he also began yelling hello to him as well.

Out of the first carriage exited the familiar, tall and handsome frame of Sebastian, clad in his ebony tailcoat. He was accompanied by a figure that Ciel most certainly did not expect. At first his mind wanted to exclaim ‘Lizzy’ but his reason quickly dismissed such a possibility.

Though the young lady certainly did bear a close resemblance to Elizabeth in terms of her complexion, hair colour, and similarity of hair style; her height, size, and unique poise most certainly distinguished her as a separate person. This is to say nothing of the colour of her attire.

While she carried herself and appeared to an onlooker as a quintessential member of the fairer side of the aristocracy, the colour of her frock, hat, and travelling coat were peculiarly plain in Ciel’s opinion. An indicator, to him at least, that she dressed so as to appear inconspicuous on both short notice, and without a professional’s advice. To anyone who may have been looking for her, it was her obvious desire to not be noticed which quickly made Ciel take notice.

Tanaka had made his way to stand closer to the solicitor’s carriage, speaking to the local man who was driving, giving him permission and instruction no doubt, to park the carriage at the side of the manor, near the stables and the servant’s entrance.

The young lawyer who exited the cabin looked eagerly at Tanaka and removed his hat before closing the distance between them as he spoke.

By this time Sebastian had made his way alongside the young lady to begin ascending the front stairs.

Turning away from the window and back towards the room Ciel walked across the parquet floor to resume his place in his chair. He eyed the doors to the drawing room intently, waiting impatiently for his lady guest and faithful butler.

The ticking of the clock on the wall opposite him gave Ciel’s already thin patience extra testing, as he began switching his eye from staring the clock down to observing the white ornate doorway.

The ticking grew in intensity yet further in pace as the seconds drew ever more painfully on, till finally Ciel received reprieve when there was a strong knock upon the wood. Taking a breath he switched strides and took on his ‘mature’ voice, invoking, as best he could remember, the professionalism and command of his father.

“Yes, come in.” he managed to call out confidently.

The doors opened gracefully and Sebastian presented himself through the threshold to announce the entrance of Ciel’s new guest.

“I present the daughter of the right honourable Baron Heathcliffe of Dorset, my lord.”

Upon bowing his head Sebastian stepped to the side and the young lady entered, she was quite beautiful and her hair was even more like Elizabeth’s then Ciel previously thought. After taking a few steps past Sebastian into the room, the young Miss Heathcliffe dispelled any comparison to Elizabeth by curtsying to her noble superior before offering her hand.

Ciel stood up from his seat and softly took her hand into his; he leaned forward and lightly pressed his lips to her knuckles before bowing his head at the neck in response and acknowledgement of her curtsy.

“I am absolutely pleased to make your acquaintance Miss Heathcliffe.” He said, turning his youthful charm as high as he could before it became comedic.

She smiled as she reciprocated the pleasantry, “As am I, lord Phantomhive.”

Looking upwards in order to match her gaze an unfortunate fact dawned on Ciel. Standing at the average height of a young woman, Miss Heathcliffe was several inches taller than Ciel, and his previous attempt to assert a confident command of the room was, in him at least, rebuffed.

As if he could read his thoughts Sebastian stifled a smile. The whole situation was not helped by Miss Heathcliffe’s exclamation.

“My lord, forgive me but… You’re so much smaller than I expected!”

Ciel’s eyes widened in surprise as he struggled to find his voice, he was so surprised that he slightly staggered a half step backwards.

“I… I regret disappointing you.” He said, struggling to hold back his anger and maintain decorum.

Sensing she had quite plainly agitated a sore point the young lady immediately set herself to salvaging her blunder.

“T-that is to say, I. well… from what I have heard of your reputation, I- expected someone, tall- older! I said older!”

Sebastian audibly laughed and immediately brought his hands to cover his mouth.

For a split second master and servant locked gazes and the intense glare in Ciel’s eye caused Sebastian to immediately swallow his laughter and recompose himself.

Regaining his role as a host Ciel spoke in his practiced tone cultivated to diffuse such tensions as this, “That issue aside, do please sit down my lady.”

Extending his hand, palm upwards, towards a couch Miss Heathcliffe daintily adjusted the frills of her skirt before sitting down. After she had made herself comfortable Ciel spoke again.

“Sebastian would you serve us some tea?”

Sebastian bowed his head and spoke, “Certainly sir.”

Turning back towards the young lady in front of him Ciel continued,

“Or perhaps you would prefer something else? I am sure you are famished from your journey.”

“Please, you are too kind my lord.”

“Sebastian can assemble most anything I assure you. In any case you will join us for luncheon I’m sure?”

Taken aback Miss Heathcliff struggled to respond,

“I would not wish to impose my lord!”

“Nonsense. Sebastian, inform Baldroy to prepare enough for another guest”

Sebastian bowed his head again and echoed his previous statement, “Very good sir.”

Meanwhile a slight cloud of black smoke was rising from the kitchen.

“You’re burning those!” Snake announced, punctuating the exclamation by indicating which of his companions had hissed the remark, “Says Gothe”.

Baldroy wiped the sweat from his brow and attempted to move the side of cod which had begun to fuse itself to the bottom of the cast iron pan.

“Oi! That’s enough out of you! D’you and those vile creatures wanna try cooking?!”

“It’s not as if we’d do a worse job. … Says Oscar…”

Turning from the stove Baldroy raised his spatula and angrily pointed at Snake.

“And stop doing that! Snakes can’t bloody talk!”

Snake furrowed his brow and his companions adorning his shoulders began hissing at Baldroy.

“We most certainly can! … Says Wordsworth…”

Upon opening the kitchen door Sebastian audibly sighed and brought his palm to his face.

“Why must I always pull you two away from each other’s throats… Baldroy have you burned yet another side of fish?”

Baldroy began struggling to find his words, “Uh, heh, well I was tryin’ to just sear it ya see.”

Sebastian began walking towards the stove, shaking his head and removing his tailcoat.

“Did you even remove the scales as I had indicated in my note?”

Bard became more flustered and dropped the spatula before stepping away from the stove.

“Naturally, I leave for one evening and things fall to pieces…”

After unbuttoning his cuffs and rolling up his shirt sleeves, Sebastian took up Bard’s previous position and began his attempt to salvage the entrée of the luncheon. Behind him Snake and his pets began hissing and giggling in laughter at Baldroy’s expense.

“Hey that’s enough out’ah you!” Bard roared in response, cigarette smoke circling his head.

Without averting his eyes from the pan Sebastian called towards Snake, “As the Phantomhive footman I should expect you, Snake, to offer our Lord and his guests ample refreshment as I do battle with this…” Huffing in frustration “…monstrosity.”

Snake nodded and located the kettle on the counter adjacent the steel kitchen washbasin. After filling the large copper kettle he apprehensively stepped beside Sebastian and placed the heavy, slushing, orange container on the long black stovetop.

Nodding in approval Sebastian watched out of the corner of his eyes as Snake began going about the kitchen doing his best to remember where the tea tins were kept and which set of china was appropriate. Without error Snake appeared to have remembered everything that Sebastian had taught him after they had returned from their recent, ill-fated, ocean trip.

“Baldroy how is it that after two months of service here Snake knows the layout of your kitchen better than you?”

Bard became even more flustered and his cigarette dropped from his lips as he began his response.

“HEY!”

Before continuing Sebastian raised a hand and cut him off, “That was a rhetorical tease, it requires no response Bard.”

Furrowing his brow and crossing his arms Baldroy started pouting like a scolded child.

“Come here Baldroy, I believe I’ve repaired the worst of the cod.”

Peering over Sebastian’s shoulder Bard’s jaw dropped as he saw what became of his previously charred side of fish.

“W-what? How’d ya bloody do that Sebastian!?”

The side of meat in the pan had been inexplicably transformed from a charred, dried out, husk, into a tantalizingly appealing cut of quality meat.

Turning to face Bard, Sebastian punctuated the action with an eerily calm smile.

“If I couldn’t salvage a side of cod and rescue a simple luncheon, well… What kind of butler would I be?”

Chapter 3: An Odd Luncheon

Chapter Text

Chapter three – An Odd Luncheon

After sipping her tea gingerly Lady Heathcliffe returned the cup and saucer from her lap to the end table beside her chair. Unease was painted across her face prior to speaking.

“Before I begin my lord, I must explain a concern I have with regards to propriety.”

Ciel’s eyebrow rose as he looked up from his tea.

“Oh?”

Lady Heathcliffe nodded, “Yes, it is just that, what I have to say regarding the events leading up to my father’s disappearance are…”

She paused, and averted her gaze. Lowering her voice she squeaked in embarrassment.

“Matters of confidence…”

Ciel nodded politely and looked upwards towards Snake standing quietly to the side of the doorway. But before he could give a signal the lady continued.

“Yet my lord, as we are both unmarried it would be most risqué should we continue unchaperoned for too long.”

Ciel, smiled slightly.

“Lady Heathcliffe, my fiancé will be joining us shortly for lunch and I can assure you that each of my servants is of the upmost character.”

“Oh! Goodness my lord, I! How silly of me, I did not wish to accuse your man of being low in character.”

Rather flustered she turned towards Snake and was immediately forthcoming with apology,

“My good sir, I do so apologize! I meant no insult to you, especially because of your affliction!”

Snake’s face did well at making no indication of irking, but his eyes revealed his hurt quite plainly.

While the other staff, Ciel, and even Lady Elizabeth, had become very kind towards Snake it always seemed to be his misfortune that one guest or another would remind him, unduly, of his ‘affliction’.

Irritated the footman’s thoughts immediately started up, ‘why can’t they see I’m no bloody different than they? I don’t have an affliction, and I don’t need to be professed to like a leper!’

As if he could read Snake’s thoughts, Ciel interrupted the lady.

“Please, it is quite alright.”

Turning from Snake back towards her host the young noblewoman gave an expression which made obvious her lack of ability in controlling her speech.

“Snake, might you send for Sebastian?”

The footman bowed his head and left the room quietly.

“Sebastian is my most trusted confidant and he is integral to my work. Above all he may be trusted.”

The lady seemed to become a little more at ease, though she was no less flustered from her having put the Phantomhive footman on the spot.

As soon as she looked back upwards the handsome butler had entered the room,

“You sent for me my lord? If this regards the meal I-“

Ciel raised his hand and shook his head indicating quickly that this didn’t.

Sebastian switched tact and nodded, he raised an eyebrow quizzically as he spoke.

“Then how may I be of service?”

Ciel moved his head to the side and his hair moved slightly, he slyly smiled and replied.

“The young lady was just about to begin revealing the events immediately preceding her father’s disappearance.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened and he immediately perked with interest. He quietly announced his surprise with a barely audible “Oh?”

Ciel turned from his butler and silently agreed, ‘Indeed’.

Beckoning with his hand he waved Lady Heathcliffe on, “Please, my lady, continue.”

She took a deep breath and paused. The clock on the wall quietly clicked along for a few seconds before she finally began her tale.

“It was just a few days ago…”

-1-

‘In London, we were at the city house; he, Father, had some business in the city… He had to meet with someone at his club I believe’

‘What was the meeting for, do you know?’ Ciel inquired.

Lady Heathcliffe nodded, ‘Father was picking something up from him… A gift? No, no… it was a package though I do know that.’

‘From the way Father was acting I,’ she pursed her lips and her eyes took on a pained expression. ‘At first I thought, rather selfishly, that it was a gift for me…’

‘The whole production, the way Father was acting, at first I thought he was being overly secretive on purpose, you know?’

She rubbed her eye with a thin finger, and continued, ‘Like it was a play or a story in ‘Punch’; the act of being clandestine for the sake of it just to build anticipation.’

Ciel nodded and leaned back in his chair, wheels turning quickly in his head as he began to theorise already.

‘Who was it he was meeting? Do you recall?’

Here the Lady seemed uncomfortable as she began to respond, her hands now stationary over top of one another in her lap.

‘It was a Mister Massey, or a Master Mercer, I can’t recall… It seems so trivial, I had heard the name a number of times before but now of course I can’t recall!’

‘For certain at least…’

She looked towards the carpet underneath their sitting area and traced some of the design with her eyes before shamefully speaking,

‘I’ve even met the man a few times…’

Ciel and Sebastian nodded and the young Lord perked back up in his chair, ‘What did he look like?’

The Lady paused, ‘He wasn’t English that was for certain… He seemed… foreign but… He didn’t at the same time? It was most odd now that I think of it.’

She looked downwards as she shifted her hands, ‘The whole ordeal is queer to be quite frank…’

She took a breath and looked back up towards her host, ‘Anyway… he was large, young, closely shaven, and he smelt clean… He wore very smart clothes on each occasion I met him. Well spoken…’

She closed her eyes as she began to picture him as best she could.

‘His hair was greying… Though he couldn’t have been older than your butler my Lord…’

Ciel and Sebastian shared a knowing look between the two at the joke.

‘He could have been continental, but he didn’t have an accent I could place and he didn’t speak any other language…’

Ciel furrowed his brow, and the Lady explained,

‘At first I thought he was Dutch! My governess was from the Netherlands, my whole childhood, and for whatever reason I felt inclined to greet him in Dutch the first time I met him.’

‘He looked at me coldly, which I thought was rude and then responded in English…’

‘Father was embarrassed at the time as you could imagine, but…’

She trailed off, ‘He was remarkably fit I know that, at least he looked like it… In all honesty I thought he was a new foreman or employee of my Father’s when I first met him, despite his dress, but then when Father introduced he and I he made it out like they were…’

‘Friends?’ Ciel injected.

The lady shook her head, ‘No… colleagues.’

Sebastian raised his head and looked down his nose while he too thought about the possibilities of the unfolding story.

‘They worked together?’ Ciel asked.

Lady Heathcliffe looked at her host and pursed her lips again,

‘Do you know it what capacity?’ He continued.

She shook her head, ‘Not at all my lord…’

Ciel furrowed his brow and brought his hand to his mouth, rubbing his lips with the ridge of a knuckle as he thought.

‘So that day he left the city house, he went down to the club,’

She looked to Sebastian as she continued, ‘he walked there, since it’s just a short stride away Father would often walk there, and then take the club carriage back home.’

‘I thought nothing odd about this as you can imagine, since it was typical of him. I was with the housemaid at the time… she’s teaching me to play cards actually…’

The young Lady held a hand to her mouth as she stifled a momentary laugh of embarrassment.

‘It’s scandalous I know! Women playing cards… but I saw her in a game with some of the other staff one night and from what I discerned she seemed rather good… So I’ve since implored her to teach me.’

Ciel nodded at the secret but wordlessly allowed her to continue.

‘We were playing together when all of a sudden our footman announced that dinner was to be soon. We had ended up playing for several hours and yet Father hadn’t returned.’

‘I was as distraught as you can imagine that… well I didn’t know what to do other than go out to the street and look for him.’

‘My housemaid came with me, as it was getting late and she believed that no Lady ought to be out alone in the evening. No matter how virtuous her intent…’

‘So the two of us went down the street to the club, I’ve seen it before having dropped Father off there in the carriage a number of times previously… But here’s where it takes a turn and… well, I became most unsettled…’

‘I bid my housemaid wait outside as I entered the establishment alone.’

‘I knew the rules, women were not allowed membership or general entry to the building, but Father had always told me, if there was an emergency in London and we were separated, his club would look after me and provide assistance if I ever needed it…’

Ciel nodded, ‘I should expect most gentlemen’s clubs would jump at the chance to assist a young Lady such as you.’

Smiling Lady Heathcliffe agreed, but quickly her expression changed.

‘But my Lord… as I said here’s where it takes a turn…’

Sebastian leaned in slightly, bending at the waist as her voice quieted.

‘When I spoke with the gentleman at the front and I explained who I was and who I was looking for… He told me.’

She paused and shook her head in disbelief, ‘He told me that my Father hadn’t been to the club in almost two months…’

Ciel furrowed his brow and brought up a leg as he crossed and adjusted how he was sitting.

‘Strange…’

The Lady agreed, ‘Strange indeed sir!’

‘So I left, perturbed and beginning to grow scared.’

‘My housemaid was waiting for me and I told her that we were going to search the streets for him, block by block…’

Ciel’s face changed, he was impressed at the young Lady’s courage.

‘The two of you searched alone, in the dark?’

She nodded and her eyes crinkled in the corners as she held back emotion.

Ciel’s curiosity got the better of him and he had to speak, lest her emotion escalate. ‘…for how long?’

She sobbed slightly, ‘Hours… we went street by street… Into alleys…’

‘I kept having visions that I would find him, attacked… or savaged by ruffians…’

She wiped her eyes, ‘but I didn’t stop…’

‘I wasn’t about to give up…’

Sebastian moved a strand of hair from his vision and continued to watch the young Lady.

‘We enlisted a Constable to help us… I described what he looked like and the officer was so kind… He stayed with us, asking locals if they had seen my James…’

‘Hours the three of us searched… Calling his name… looking down corners, into alleys… We even tried talking to shopkeepers along the street, but they were all closing as you can appreciate and if they hadn’t yet closed the workers explained that they hadn’t seen him before…’

She stifled another sob as a tear fell down her red cheek.

‘Eventually one of the men on the street the officer asked did say that he had seen my Father… or at least someone wearing his clothes…’

‘So I was hopeful… The man was seen entering a public house near the end of Hallam-Strand. By now I was deeply concerned… What could my Father possibly be doing that far from the city house? And more than that! What was he doing at such a… a…’

She stopped, looking down she quietly collected herself, and she was almost whispering now, ‘…such a low class place.’

Sebastian nodded, ‘Hallam-Strand is a rather, questionable, area to say the least.’

She looked away from Ciel to the tall butler, ‘Oh you know it?’

‘I know of it…’ he clarified.

Ciel agreed and he explained, hoping to quickly put his guest at ease, ‘We make it our business to know of as many places as we can in the course of our investigations.’

She nodded, ‘Of course…’

‘You didn’t go to the pub then, did you?’

Lady Heathcliffe nodded, ‘Damn what others thought… My housemaid pleaded with me not to go, but she couldn’t stop me, I said.’

Ciel’s eyebrow arched.

‘The officer was all one could have hoped for in a gentleman though… He said that he’d go with me if I wanted to check the place.’

‘So he led us there, and I swear I shan’t forget the smell or the sight of that place till the day I die…’

‘It reeked of rotten fruit, and… and stale sickness. Ale and wine burned the nostrils and the whole building was filled with a cloud of smoke.’

‘I covered my mouth with my dress and followed the officer closely through the crowded mass of people within.’

‘I held my housemaid’s hand the whole time.’

‘The officer reached the bar and spoke with the barmaid, and then he waved me over to talk with her. She told me that my Father had indeed come into the building earlier that day.’

‘At first I was relieved… I didn’t care that he lied about where he was going, I was just relieved that someone had seen him…’

The young lady tilted her head as she carefully recalled the next details.

‘This is important… because I don’t want to forget it… and I don’t want to tell it wrong.’

Ciel uncrossed his leg and shimmied closer in his chair, ‘Take your time, please.’

Nodding she took a slow breath and continued.

‘She told me that he had met a man there… and before he arrived my Father had told her that should I come to the bar to give me this.’

Lady Heathcliffe reached a hand into the collar of her blouse to pull out a thick, darkly coloured, iron pendant.

She unclipped the chain and removed it from her neck, holding it out towards Sebastian she continued speaking as he tentatively picked it up.

‘She told me that he had said I was to; ‘wear this until you meet dog…’ she paused and closed her eyes tightly, ‘No, it was…’

She shook her head and quietly snapped her finger… ‘Wear this until you meet the dog or the spider…’

She nodded again, and repeated herself, ‘the dog or the spider! Yes… that’s it!’

Her eyes opened and Ciel was staring intensely at her with his eye.

‘That was it?’

‘Yes actually… It was so unbelievably strange I couldn’t help but remember it… After that I asked if my Father had left with the man and she said that he hadn’t… In fact she told me that she didn’t see him leave at all.’

Ciel looked at his butler and then at the pendant he was now holding in his white, gloved, hands.

‘It was very busy so I could understand if she didn’t see him leave but… After that the officer announced to the patrons we were looking for him and he asked them for their help.’

‘I implored them and I even offered a reward, all the money I had on me; ten pounds if they could help.’

‘That’s a hefty sum to be offering in that place.’ Ciel said.

#black butler fanfiction

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hinaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa · 4 years ago

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Character 3 Idea

Gin used to go to an academy for witches in order to hone her skills. She showed potential and she liked the praise and attention, and she even enjoyed showing off her powerful magic. But people largely misunderstood her, and despite her efforts, she could not make any friends. She might have had powerful magic, but she lacked any other skills, especially social skills. People just weren’t interested in getting to know her. She felt angry that no one cared for her, and angry that she felt lonely and dedicated herself to improving her magic. Her feelings of anger grew stronger and so did her isolation. Being in crowds angered her and she often became irritated and frustrated in the company of other people. One day, she ran away and disappeared into the wastes, and built a house of nightmares and terrors to stop anyone from getting in. She has lived in peaceful seclusion for a long time. Until people began attempting to conquer the horrors of the house, deeming it a monster to be vanquished. Gin just wants peace and will make them fear her.

Gin is cynical, angry, bitter, unkind and ruthless but also sensitive, hard-working and dedicated. If there is something she believes in, she will not back down from it. While she has no problems with terrifying others, and prefers people to be afraid of her, she has no intentions of causing injury or death.

Gin thinks she doesn’t need anyone. She wants to be alone because she is judgemental of others and believes the worst of people. She has her little shadow friends and monsters but they are more like an extension of herself, the magic that she controls come to life. They understand that she wants to feel a real connection and understanding with someone so they talk to her, but she can control them (its like talking to yourself) and so she continues to scare people away and keep a barrier up- even with herself. What she needs is to be less judgemental and kinder, and for someone to prove her wrong about other people. Her monsters become fed up with her unkindness and disappear. She can still bend the house to her will, but the company of the monsters and her shadow magic have gone. She realises that she needs to apologise and work on becoming a better person- which starts with an apology to herself. She opens up to herself and stops lying to herself that she wants to be alone.

An external problem could be that people are trying to destroy her house. They are trying to tear down and defeat the very thing she cares for. They want to destroy her sanctuary which angers her, but no matter how much she tries to scare them off they will not leave. She overcomes this problem by forcing herself to go and communicate properly, face-to-face. The destroying of her home is yet another case of being misunderstood, only this time there is some truth that she has become a bit of a monster.

Gin goes from being a social recluse who hates people to someone who learns to be more open, less judgmental and tries to find the good in people. She still has a negative outlook on life but tries to surround herself with positive things and people that have a good influence on her. She still enjoys spending a lot of time alone, but learns to let a few people into her life again who can support her. She returns to the city when she is ready to and will get a job where she does not have to interact with people as much.

Her flaw is that she misunderstands others the way that they misunderstand her and then push people away, refuses to show any form of weakness and lashes out to make others fear her, so that she feels some grain of power. She even treats herself this way, by pushing away parts of herself and convincing herself that she is happy enough by herself in the wastes (she is not). While she does have strong magic, she is both physically and mentally weak and often crumbles under pressure.

At her lowest moment, she is truly alone and does not even have the full potential of her magic to defend herself from people trying to tear down her sanctuary and ultimately defeat her. She is alone and terrified and furious, but mostly desperate and struggling. In her complete loneliness, she comes to the reluctant realisation that she will have to listen to what she really wants instead of suppressing it and challenge herself to be more open in order to get it (meaningful social connection). She leaves her room and explores the house, searching for the monsters and magic, and making a genuine apology and expressing the desire to make amends and become a better person. With her full potential restored, she has the courage to come face to face with the people invading her sanctuary. She confronts them about their actions and defends herself by saying that she has not hurt or killed anyone and the house out in the wastes is not infringing on anyone. When they refuse to understand her, she kicks them out the only way she knows how to (using her magic). While the thrill of their screams lifts her mood, she still feels discouraged and her monsters talk to her to make her feel better. She reluctantly agrees and returns to her room. However, while the social interaction was a bit of a failure, she experienced it and she wants to do it again. She becomes restless as no one comes into her house and eventually reconnects with her parents. From there, she slowly returns to her old life, only this time she is determined to be a better person.

What world does the character live in?

A world of magic and witches. Gin lives in the wastelands, where nothing lives or grows, in order to escape social interaction.

What do they want / what gives them their drive?

She wants to be left alone. Deep down, although she hates to admit it, she just wants friendship and for someone to understand and connect with her.

What is an external problem or challenge for the character?

People have decided to destroy the house and see it as a monster to defeat, but they are breaking down the thing she cares for that she feels has kept her safe.

What is an internal problem for the character - ie. character flaw?

She doesn’t like people and has a very cynical worldview.

What’s a special skill or ability that the character discovers, possesses or develops? (this can be a physical or mental skill)

She has powerful magic and can bend the house to her will. She is also very stubborn.

How will the character overcome their external challenge, and how will they overcome or manage their internal problem?

At first, she tries to scare the adventurers away but they are determined to vanquish the house. She tries ramping up her scariness but no matter how shaken, they keep going. In her rage, she becomes irritated by everything- including the monsters and magic that keeps her company. They decide not to speak with her and disappear and this makes her anxious as she can not make herself or the house as terrifying as before. She ends up apologising and trying to become a better person and change her worldview and then summons the courage to talk to the adventurers and show herself. By overcoming her internal problem and worldviews of cynicism, she is able to overcome the adventurers trying to destroy her house.

0 notes

arctiinae · 8 years ago

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Anger headcanons for Fallout 4 companions

I actually sent @zirawrites an ask about anger headcanons for the different Fallout 4 companions but then I ended up sitting on the idea for a while and decided to write some out myself. Been wanting to write again, so this is a good excuse. Not all companions are there bc I'm not familiar with all of them yet, but feel free to add to this! (also please let me know about spelling mistakes!)

Cait: Is angry a lot, and at a great many things. Her anger is aggressive and very strongly externalized, but not dangerous unless you happen to be something that's been trying to kill her. When angry, Cait rants, raves, snaps aggressively at people, says things that are meant to be demeaning or hurtful. She goes looking for fights and often gets hurt in the process, deliberately. She vents her anger very openly but it dies down quickly, too, and she will not hold grudges over petty things. It's entirely possible that she would break your nose and then invite you for a drink, because once her anger at a specific thing or person has been vented out, it is gone.

Codsworth: Does not really get angry. He can be plenty indignant, scoffing and loudly wording his displeasure, but his programming does not really allow for full blown, boiling anger. His irritation is quickly forgotten and his mood defaults very much towards cheerful. If he dislikes people, it is mainly because the Sole Survivor dislikes them, in which case he will be either icily polite or snarky towards them, depending. He holds grudges, but only from slights against the Sole Survivor, not against himself.

Curie: Had to learn about anger very suddenly when she acquired her new body, along with a wide range of other emotions. The first time she got really angry, she ended up crying and hyperventilating, frustrated beyond measure at both the situation that set her off, and her inability to get a hold of herself. She is uncomfortable with being angry, because she feels it clouds her judgment and ability to act rationally. But despite her overall cheerful and enthusiastic behavior, she get angry a lot. At mundane things - like her body not working the way she wants it to, or not understanding a joke - as well as bigger things, like the state of the world and the loss of knowledge. She rarely acknowledges the feeling when it happens, though, and pushes it aside in favor of trying to rationalize the situation and focusing on what is important. If she feels her anger is justified, she will confront people about it, expecting them to cede to the voice of reason. If they don't, she is as likely to disengage as she is to break down crying. Curie does not deal well with anger and human idiocy. She is very quick to forgive, even after multiple offenses.

Danse: When angry, will be snappy and short, somewhat aggressive but not violent. Despite what you could expect from a guy who's constantly parading around in power armor spouting army propaganda, he has a pretty good grip on his emotions, and doesn't take them out on his companions. He's not too likely to vent it out in battle, either, aware that clouded emotions can and will negatively affect a soldiers performance. If he needs to blow out steam, he will do so by sparring or training. He will be much less in control of his anger when around non-humans, though, and much more likely to snap at them and react to perceived slights with violence. He holds grudges, but gives people a chance to redeem themselves through positive actions.

Deacon: Is practically impossible to get truly, aggressively angry. Deacon is snarky, distrustful and deceitful, a trained liar and excellent actor, and as such he needs to have a really good grip on his emotions. He will play along, provoke, taunt, flatter, flirt and threaten his way out of any situation, and does an excellent job at not letting anything get to him. Or, rather, at stomping down and bottling up any emotional responses he might have because they do not fit his plan. It takes a lot to break down Deacon's emotional walls. It would require earning his trust and then betraying it in the worst possible manner, or seriously hurting someone he is attached to, and there are not a lot of people this applies to. But if you manage to make him snap, he fucking snaps. Deacon angry - truly, deeply hurt and angry - is a terrifying, murderous whirlwind of destructive rage coupled with professional, deadly competence. When he took down the Deathclaws, it was messy and gory and an absolute bloodbath. Now he has years of Railroad experience under his belt to top it off, and getting on his bad side enough to make him loose it would mean a slow, excruciatingly painful death, and no one would ever find your corpse. As for grudges, Deacon will hold them pretty much indefinitely, but be surprisingly cheerful about it. It won't stop him from working with someone, but he will make sure to be completely insufferable the entire time.

Dogmeat: Much like you would expect from a dog, an angry Dogmeat is a growling, snarling mess of teeth. He bites, and he bites hard. It doesn't happen very often, though, and mostly out of self-defense or to protect his favorite humans. Dogmeat remembers humans that he registered as thread before, and will remain wary and threatening around them.

Nick Valentine: Much like Deacon, angering Valentine is a herculean feat, although not for the same reasons. He is not easily provoked, having heard every kind of insult ever that you could throw at a cop, at a detective AND at a synth before. If he does get angry, it will be a quiet, seething but driven sort of rage. He does not raise his voice, doesn't rant or rave or lash out, but rather sits down and quietly, efficiently breaks down the problem and sets out to solve it, stubbornly keeping at it even if it seems hopeless. Valentine's anger is the kind of anger that gets shit done. In truth, though, you are more likely to disappoint him than you are to truly anger him. But let's face it, no one wants to be on the receiving end of one of Nick's disappointed looks. They are too powerful. Contrary to what one would expect, though, Valentine does holds grudges. It takes a lot to make it into his bad books, because he is always inclined to see the best in people, but if you make it onto his shit list, you're probably stuck there for the rest of your life. It also might not end well for you. Ask Eddie Winter about it.

Piper Wrigth: Gets angry fairly often, and like Valentine, her anger is the kind of anger that pushes her forward, drives her to take action and get shit done. However, unlike Valentine, Piper's anger is loud, outspoken, biting and very much in-your-face. She will rant, she will shout, she will provoke and get all up in people's personal space and yell and threaten and terrify. She is scary when she is angry, and you do not want to stand in her way when she gets worked up, because you will be collateral damage. Piper holds grudges and will absolutely drag your name through the mud if you give her a reason to. This woman knows the power of the press, and while her greater goal is the pursuit of the truth, she is not above using her skills for petty revenge.

Preston Garvey: Tends to internalize his anger a lot, and redirect it at himself. It does not show much towards the outside, other than his tone getting more cold, more formal. He will express disagreement, and put his foot down and try to defuse or fix the situation, but he very rarely shouts or gets loud about it. But he will often be angry at himself for longer than he is angry at whatever set him off in the first place, replaying the situation in his head over and over, poking holes at his own behavior and trying to find what he did wrong, what he can do better next time, how he misstepped or misjudged or failed, even if he really can't be blamed for what happened. Much like Curie, Preston is quick to forgive and trust again, eager to believe in people and give them another chance. Slight him often enough, and he will be wary and tired, but still can be bullied into giving people one more chance. Just one more. One more.

Strong: Is angry pretty much all the time, and proud of it. Anger is an inherent part of his personality. Perhaps a side effect of the FEV-virus, since most super-mutants tend towards volatile and murderous. Strong's anger fluctuates between a quiet, rolling wrath and an all out screaming rage, and can be directed at nothing and everything, depending on the situation, but it never really goes away. Surprisingly, he does not hold grudges much. Maybe he considers humans unworthy of such attention, but his feelings towards them range from disdain to begrudging respect, and leave little space for angry resentment. People are worth his time, or they are not. Simple.

Companions I skipped because I am not familiar enough with them yet: Hancock, MacCready, and X6-88.

#fallout #fallout 4 #Cait #Codsworth #Curie #Danse #Deacon #Dogmeat #Nick Valentine #Piper Wrigth #Preston Garvey #Strong #… you can totally tell which ones are my favorites by how much I wrote xD

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finalcuts · 4 years ago

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COGNITIVE ASSESSMENT.

bold all that apply to your muse’s current mental state; italicize any that apply to your muse’s past mental state — repost don’t reblog !

alcoholism: or alcohol use disorder ( aud ), is a broad term for any drinking of alcohol that results in mental or physical health problems.

amnesia: a deficit in memory caused by brain damage, disease, or psychological trauma.

anxiety: a mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities.

appetite loss: a reduced desire to eat.

binge eating: a psychological illness characterized by frequently eating excessive amounts of food, often when not hungry.

co-dependence: dysfunctional and maladaptive relationship reliant on another person’s dependence on the affected individual.

cynicism: an inclination to believe that people are motivated purely by self interest ( scepticism ), or to question whether something will happen or whether it is worthwhile ( pessimism ).

defensiveness: the tendency to be sensitive to comments and criticism and to deny them. to constantly protect oneself from criticism, exposure of one’s shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the go.

depersonalization: a state in which one’s thoughts and feelings seem unreal or not belonging to oneself.

depression: a mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.

derealization: alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal.

devaluation: defense mechanism used when a person attributes themselves, an object, or another person as completely flawed, worthless, or as having exaggerated negative qualities.

displacement: an unconscious defense mechanism whereby the mind substitutes either a new aim or a new object or goals felt in their original form to be dangerous or unacceptable.

dissociation: is any state of a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experiences, such as a disconnect from reality.

drug abuse: the extreme desire to obtain, and use, increasing amounts of one or more substances.

dysphoria: a state of unease, or generalized dissatisfaction with life.

emotional detachment: an inability to connect with others on an emotional level, as well as coping with anxiety by avoiding certain situations that trigger it; it is often described as “ emotional numbing ” or dissociation.

flashbacks: an involuntary recurrent memory, is a psychological phenomenon in which an individual has sudden, usually powerful, re-experiencing of a past experience or elements of said experience.

flat effect: a severe reduction in emotional expressiveness. they may not show the signs of normal emotion, perhaps may speak in a monotonous voice, have diminished facial expressions, and appear extremely apathetic.

guilt: a cognitive or emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realises — accurately or not — that they have compromised their own standards of conduct or have violated a universal moral standard and bear significant responsibility for it.

hallucinations: an experience involving the apparent perception of something not present.

hypersomnia: or excessive sleepiness, is a condition in which a person has trouble staying awake during the day.

hypervigilance: an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect activity.

hypochondria: ( also known as illness anxiety disorder ) is a condition in which a person is inordinately worried about having a serious illness.

idealization: the action of regarding or representing something as perfect or better than reality.

insomnia: a sleep disorder where people have trouble sleeping. they may have difficulty falling asleep, or staying asleep as long as desired. insomnia is usually followed by daytime sleepiness, low energy, and a depressed mood.

intellectualization: a defense mechanism by which reasoning is used to block confrontation with an unconscious conflict and its associated emotional stress — where thinking is used to avoid feeling. it involves removing one’s self, emotionally, from a stressful event.

introjection: regarded as the process where the subject replicates in themselves behaviours, attributes, or other fragments of the surrounding world, especially of other subjects. cognate concepts include identification, incorporation, and internalization.

isolation: a defense mechanism in psychoanalytic theory characterized by individuals defending themselves from possible threats by mentally and physically isolating themselves. by minimizing associative connections with other thoughts, the threatening cognition is remembered less often and is less likely to affect self-esteem or the self concept.

low self esteem: a person with low self esteem feels unworthy, incapable, and incompetent.

narcissism: is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s own attributes. narcissistic personality disorder ( npd ) is a personality disorder in which there is a long term pattern of abnormal behaviour characterized by exaggerated feelings of self importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of understanding of other’s feelings.

night terrors: also known as a sleep terror, is a sleep disorder, causing feelings of terror or dread, and typically occurs during the first hours of stage three to four rapid eye movement ( nrem ) sleep.

obsessive compulsion: obsessive-compulsive disorder ( ocd ) is a common, chromic, and long — lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts ( obsessions ) and behaviours ( compulsions ) that they feel the urge to repeat over and over.

panic attacks: a sudden overwhelming feeling of acute and debilitating anxiety.

passive aggression: a tendency to engage in indirect expression of hostility through acts such as subtle insults, sullen behavior, stubbornness, or a deliberate failure to accomplish a required task.

paranoia: the irrational and persistent feeling that people are “ out to get you. ” the three main types of paranoia include paranoid personality disorder, delusional disorder, and paranoid schizophrenia.

phobias: an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something.

projection: psychological projection is a defense mechanism people subconsciously employ in order to cope with difficult feelings or emotions. it involves projecting undesirable feelings or emotions onto someone else, rather than admitting to or dealing with the unwanted feelings.

psychosis: a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

rationalization: a defense mechanism in which controversial behaviors or feelings are justified and explained in a seemingly rational or logical manner to avoid the true explanation, and are made consciously tolerable — or even admirable and superior — by plausible means.

regression: a psychological defense mechanism in which a person abandons age — appropriate coping strategies in favor of earlier, more childlike patterns of behavior. this regression is a form of retreat, bringing back a time when the person feels safe and taken care of.

risky sex: risky sexual behavior is commonly defined as behavior that increases the probability of contracting sexually transmitted infections, diseases, becoming pregnant, or making a partner pregnant. drug use is associated with risky sexual behavior.

somatization: the manifestation of psychological distress by the presentation of bodily symptoms.

splitting: ( also called black — and — white thinking or all — or — nothing thinking ) is the failure in a person’s thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole.

sublimation: is a mature type of defense mechanism, in which socially unacceptable impulses or idealizations are unconsciously transformed into socially acceptable actions or behavior, possibly resulting in a long — term conversion of the initial impulse.

suicidal ideation: ( also known as suicidal thoughts ) is thinking about or an unusual preoccupation with suicide. the range of suicidal ideation varies from fleeting thoughts, to extensive thoughts, to detailed planning, roleplaying, and incomplete attempts.

sleepwalking: formally known as somnambulism, is a behaviour disorder that originates during deep sleep and results in walking or performing other complex behaviours while asleep. it is more common in children than adults and is more likely to occur if a person is sleep deprived.

suppression: the act of stopping oneself from thinking or feeling something. it is generally assumed ineffective because even if you suppress or hold back an emotion, like anger, that feeling returns with a vengeance.

temper: a reflection of irritation or rage, a propensity to be angered rapidly.

thousand yard stare: a phrase often used to describe the blank, unfocused gaze of soldiers who have become emotionally detached from the horrors around them. it is also sometimes used more generally to describe the look of dissociation among victims of other types of trauma.

triggers: something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of their emotional trauma. triggers are very personal ; different things can trigger different people. the survivor may begin to avoid situations and stimuli that they think triggered the flashback.

trust issues: a person with these kinds of thoughts may construct social barriers as a defense mechanism to ensure that trust is not lost again. these barriers are often a person’s way of avoid the pain, rejection, or guilt associated with mistrust.

violence: the intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, which either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment, or deprivation.

tagged by: stolen from my other blog

tagging: anyone that wants to do this!

#𝐬𝐭𝐮 𝐦𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫 { 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 }#[ rIP i didnt read it correctly about italicizing being past stuff ]#[ i did it in 'sometimes it applies' sort of way fghbdjhbgfd ]

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pyropsychiccollector · 8 years ago

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Danganronpa - Another IF (Chapter 1, Part 2)

Makoto and Sayaka watched uneasily as Kirigiri pulled Fukawa's body out of the washing machine. They'd cleared away the shards from the broken glasses after discovering that a piece of tape had been attached to the part that went over the bridge of someone's nose. In other words, before Asahina had stepped on them, apparently the glasses had snapped cleanly in half at some point, and someone had haphazardly tried to tape them back together. However, Fukawa's glasses had appeared fine at breakfast, so they had broken between breakfast and the time her body had been discovered. It didn't reveal anything particularly useful yet, but it was a tidbit of information to keep in mind.

Monokuma had dispensed something called a Monokuma File for everybody; in essence, it functioned as an autopsy report, since none of them were associated with the police, who usually investigated these matters. However, as useful as an autopsy report sounded, this file was anything but. They already knew Fukawa had died sometime after the breakfast meeting, and approximating the time did nothing because Fukawa never liked to hang out with them. It was going to be difficult to find out if anyone had seen anyone with her, for any length of time.

At the very least, the file told them her cause of death was suffocation. They hadn't been able to tell that just by finding her body. There were no other signs of injuries, internal or external. Other than that, the file was pretty much useless to them.

"Hmm..." Kirigiri murmured as she shifted Fukawa on her back and held up her right hand, examining it. Kirigiri's gloved hand experimentally rubbed some fluid between her fingertips. "Blood..."

Sakura spoke the thought that flitted through their minds.

"The Monokuma File says there are no other injuries... Which would suggest that she fought back against her attacker."

Mondo rubbed the back of his head.

"Damn... You're sayin' Fukawa's nails are that sharp?" He scowled as Kirigiri shook her head.

"No. If she did that, there would be bits of flesh and specks of blood under her fingernails. However, the blood is only on her fingers. I believe she might've had some form of weapon when she was attacked. A weapon small enough that her hand would easily pass by the killer's wound as she slashed at him..."

The biker punched his open palm in anticipation He seemed excited about something, though the others could only hazard a guess as to what.

"Well, this'll be easy, then! The bastard who killed her will have some kinda cut or whatever, so let's just check everybody out, fully body search style!"

"I... don't think Monokuma would allow that..." Maizono tapped her chin as she looked up. Naegi weakly chuckled beside her.

"Yeah, he'd say something like that would make the game boring, and then he'd come up with some dumb rule about body searches..."

"Not to mention that would not account for the possibility of two or more people who have some type of cut on their body that they received today." The lavender-haired girl added calmly as she continued to examine the body. "We would narrow down our suspects, but we would not have any other evidence to prove which one it was. It's best to collect as much information as possible, and go to the trial prepared."

Mondo visibly deflated and looked away with a click of his tongue. Well, it was still a good lead anyway, even if it wasn't case-breaking just yet. While Kirigiri handled the body, he turned his attention to a bedsheet that was lying on the floor in a heap. There were a few flecks of blood on it by the look of it,

"Do you think this is just a red herring?" The Luckster wondered aloud. "Seems too big to suffocate someone quickly... And I mean, you'd have to do that if you killed Fukawa here, right? 'Cause our rooms are soundproof, but not the laundry room."

Maizono tilted her head in contemplation at his musings.

"Yeah... that's true."

Sakura hummed thoughtfully as she kept her arms crossed.

"This is assuming that the laundry room was the crime scene. We found the body here, but there is no guarantee that she was killed in this room."

Mondo snorted in disbelief.

"You really think the killer walked from their room to here, just carrying the body? Even I know that's a dumbass move with so many people walkin' around and shit."

Kirigiri spoke up again without missing a beat.

"And what if this killer was reasonably sure that no one would inadvertently spot them? What if the killer didn't brazenly carry the body, but wrapped it in something?"

"Like the bedsheet..." Makoto whispered as he looked at the item in a new light.

"You serious?! Even if ya wrap it, someone's still gonna know you're luggin' around a body." Mondo contested.

Kirigiri remained an emotionless mask.

"If you carry it in such a way, the body will pass off as 'laundry' to any casual onlookers. Naturally, this would mean the killer would have to be careful about who saw them, and how they acted, but the possibility still exists that the body was moved. We have no way to know yet."

Makoto rubbed his chin and looked down in contemplation.

"Thing is, though, even if the killer moved the body, it doesn't explain why Touko would willingly enter someone else's room. And I mean, if the killer forced her to go in, someone could've seen it. Or am I off-base about that...?"

For once, Kirigiri smiled pleasantly.

"No, that seems like a reasonable question to consider. Another possibility is that the killer gained passage into Touko's room, and killed her there - so at the very least, you should inspect her room. You should also ask around and see if anyone was present in the dorms or the hall at the time of the murder. If not, we'll know the killer at least had the opportunity to move about undetected. It would be a risky gamble, as someone could come out of their room at any time, but the possibility remains. It is said that killers can be quite illogical at times."

Sayaka briefly exchanged a look with Makoto.

"We should also ask if anyone knows what Touko was going to do... Whether she was going back to her room, the classrooms, wherever."

Naegi nodded in acceptance as he half-turned toward the door.

"Okay... Well, I guess we'll leave the laundry room to you guys. If anything happens or ya find anything, let us know!"

Mondo scowled slightly, but Naegi knew he was just frustrated at the moment.

"Yeah... You guys just do your best out there, I guess. We've got it covered here."

With a wave, the singer and the Luckster exited the room.

~*~

The first people they came across were Leon and Ishimaru, who were in a corner of the massive hall that separated the cafeteria and laundry room. By the look of it, they were arguing, and a vein was popping on Leon's head in righteous anger.

"I'm tellin' ya, it wasn't me! Mondo and I were in the entrance hall the whole damn time! If either of us slipped out, the other would've known!" The All-Star clenched his fists and held them up furiously.

Kiyotaka, for his part, seemed largely unintimidated by the baseball player's display. He was cupping his chin and levelling the redhead with a critical glare.

"Forgive me if I do not just take your word for it! You seemed quite panicked when you saw your video, and you clearly said you had to get out!"

"Everyone friggin' overreacted to their videos, dude! Even Naegi was spooked, and he's all about that 'gotta stick together' crap..." Leon rubbed the back of his head sheepishly as he saw Makoto and Sayaka out of the corner of his eye. "Oh, hey, guys!"

Other than Maizono narrowing her eyes in outrage, neither student commented on Leon's attitude.

"What's goin' on, guys?" Makoto felt he had a pretty good idea, but he still asked out of impulse, more than anything else.

"Ah, Mister Makoto Naegi and Miss Sayaka Maizono~" Kiyotaka greeted them both pleasantly, as if he hadn't just been giving Leon the third degree. "Leon and I were just speaking about alibis!"

"'Speak' nothin'... I sure didn't hear you talkin' about your alibi..." Leon groused, running a hand through his hair in irritation.

Naturally, Kiyotaka did not seem to hear him. Sayaka seemed to come to his rescue, though, as she hummed noncommittally.

""Leon and Mondo confirm each other's alibis. If they say they were at the entrance hall the whole time, then they probably were."

Ishimaru stood rigid as the singer came to the baseball star's aid. He humbly nodded his head in acceptance.

"I... see. I suppose the same applies to you and Makoto? That you were together, I mean."

Sayaka nodded with a smile,

"Us and Junko," Makoto confirmed with a meek laugh. Before Ishimaru could gush too much about the camaraderie, Leon butted in again.

"Look, just what were you doing after we left breakfast, huh? Were you with anyone?"

The Ultimate Prefect wilted somewhat as his alibi was put under scrutiny.

"I was... patrolling the halls..." Ishimaru stated with a tightening scowl.

"Alone?" The baseball all-star pressed.

"It is a duty I take most seriously!" Ishimaru defended himself. "... But yes, I was alone in my patrol."

"Did you see anything that might help?" Makoto asked hopefully.

"Like what Fukawa might have been doing," Sayaka helpfully supplied, in case Ishimaru needed to jog his memory.

Ishimaru gripped his chin tightly and frowned, eyes narrowing.

"Well... she and Yamada got into a.... disagreement that I had to break up."

Leon rolled his eyes as the prefect revealed this new information.

"Well, there ya go! Fatty probably had some motive to kill her, and he just went back to meet with Fukawa in private after you broke them up!"

Ishimaru did not seem convinced. And when he explained his reasoning for doubting the theory, Makoto and Maizono had their doubts, too.

"It was a very minor argument, however. Fukawa insulted Yamada's comics, and he naturally defended them. Plus, when I split them up, Yamada went to the school store, and I know he stayed there because of my efficient patrol route."

"Che. If it was really 'efficient', Fukawa wouldn't be dead, would she?" Leon groused.

"I know I failed Fukawa....!" Ishimaru lamented. "But she had said she was heading back to her room, and I had little reason to doubt her. I was quite shocked to find her dead in the laundry room!"

Makoto rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he summarized the account Ishimaru gave them.

"So, after breaking up the small fight and hearing Fukawa say she'd be in her room, you followed Yamada to the classroom side of the building." Makoto frowned. "Did you see her open the door to her room and actually go in, though? Did you see anyone else around?"

Ishimaru sagged regretfully.

“No. Unfortunately, I was concerned with Yamada, and making sure he did not go right back to picking a fight with Fukawa. I did not even turn to give Fukawa-san a second glance, and there was no one else around, to my memory.”

Leon rolled his eyes in frank disbelief.

“Yeah, sure… real believable.” The ginger’s tone was oozing with sarcasm. He tapped an index finger to his head and stuck out his tongue. “I think you did it, with the way you were giving me the third degree when your own alibi’s got holes like Swiss cheese!”

Ishimaru grunted out in frustration as he raised a fist in outrage.

“I did not kill Fukawa-san! If you cannot believe I followed Yamada, then just ask Yasuhiro! He had been leaving the gymnasium when my patrol route went by there!”

Sayaka smiled nervously and tried to ease the tension.

“Umm… Leon, why don’t you look for Yasuhiro and confirm that? Naegi-kun and I have a number of things to look into ourselves, and we can’t do everything before the trial starts…”

Leon rubbed the back of his head and grinned roguishly.

“Leave it to me, Maizono-chan!”

Makoto turned to Ishimaru and smiled.

“And Ishimaru, if you see Togami, Celes, or Fujisaki, try to ask what they were doing. Sakura and Asahina were the first ones to find the body, and they were able to find me, Maizono, Junko, Mondo, and Leon, but the rest of you guys took a little time getting to the crime scene. I mean, I’m assuming you, Yamada, and Yasuhiro are telling the truth about seeing each other and all, but…” Makoto scratched his cheek sheepishly.

Ishimaru chuckled and spread out his arms good-naturedly.

“Of course, Naegi-kun! Consider it done!”

Leon crossed his arms and looked at Naegi skeptically.

“Hey… what about Kirigiri? Anyone looking into her?”

“She, Sakura, and Mondo are searching the crime scene.” Maizono helpfully supplied. If any of the boys noticed she was a bit quick to defend Naegi, none of them commented on it. Though Leon was shooting Naegi an envious glance for half a second before he and Ishimaru departed. The idol turned back to Naegi, smiling pleasantly. “So, where do you want to go now?”

~*~

Naegi and Maizono's investigation proceeded rather... quickly, after they inspected Fukawa's room. Junko and Chihiro had already started examining it, so all they really needed was an update from them. As expected, nothing was amiss in Fukawa's room. There wasn't some mysterious note, or signs of a physical struggle. The room had been remarkably tidy, and gave no indication that Fukawa had returned there after her scuffle with Yamada.

Moreover, Fujisaki had confirmed she was in her room after breakfast, and that Sakura could confirm her alibi, having waved at her in the hall. When asked about Asahina, Fujisaki timidly answered she had been bouncing with energy and running laps in the halls... much to Ishimaru's ire.

Leaving Junko and Chihiro to the more detailed search of Fukawa's room, Sayaka mused about the culprit possibly destroying evidence, and so the two moved on to check out the incinerator and trash room, where Celes had been ruminating outside. Apparently, she had been thinking of going in to inspect the room herself, but as usual, her refined tastes made her reluctant to enter such a room. So, she left that investigation to the idol and Luckster, giving her account of where she was and what she had been doing after breakfast as compensation. Similar to Fujisaki, she'd gone off to her room, though she'd been among the first to leave breakfast, so her testimony wasn't... completely reliable or believable. If she'd decided to discreetly keep an eye on the halls, she could have killed Fukawa...

They did discover that to get to the incinerator, a key was needed, and there was always going to be one person who was in possession of that key on a weekly basis. The person with the key was supposed to gather all of the trash and dispose of it, and Yamada had been the first volunteer for that duty. Nothing seemed amiss around the incinerator, though, and Yamada opening up that area to inspect it himself bore no fruit either, as the machine was still cold.

So it was unlikely that the perp somehow disposed of evidence through there. Either they stored any leftover evidence in their room (and the crime scene), or there really wasn't any to be "found". Makoto was adamant they'd find something to go on, but Sayaka was beginning to wonder. From what they were hearing, there had been a number of people loitering in the halls, even if it wasn't for "long" periods of time. How did the killer maneuver around all that, kill Fukawa, and get her body to the laundry room? And why shove it in the washing machine of all things?

There were too many questions, and the trial was only getting closer.

"Honestly? Today seemed like a laundry day for a lot of people." Aoi muttered as she crossed her arms and tilted her head thoughtfully. Out of new leads to follow, Naegi and Sayaka had gone to the cafeteria to see if anyone was there. That's where they found the swimmer, looking all confused about everything. "Togami, Yamada, Mondo... me and Sakura... Yasuhiro... I even saw Fukawa with a load of laundry at some point!"

Naegi and Maizono both immediately latched onto this new information.

"Really? So she didn't stay in her room?" The Luckster queried. "Or was this before breakfast or something?"

Aoi shook her head.

"No, no. It was after. After me and Sakura were through with our laps and taking a break, I saw her coming out of her room carrying some of her dresses. She was still moody, and stayed as far from us as she could, but she went toward the laundry room, I'm sure of it."

The singer and Luckster shared a look.

"Then..." The dark-haired beauty said slowly. "Maybe she was killed in the laundry room?"

"She was carrying some of her dresses, though..." Naegi mused. "Then whose bedsheets got blood on them? The culprit's?"

"Togami and Mondo were doing their bedsheets." Asahina supplied helpfully. "I mean - Sakura was, too, but I was with her the whole time!"

"And Mondo was with Leon..." Naegi muttered. "That leaves Togami..."

"But Togami doesn't seem the type to leave evidence lying around haphazardly like that." Sayaka reasoned. "Even if it got blood on it, he would have folded it up and carried it like he hadn't done anything. We wouldn't have had reason to search his room."

"He did treat Fukawa like dirt, though..." Aoi looked sour. "I mean, he isn't friendly with anyone, but he was especially nasty to her!"

Makoto shook his head, frowning.

"It just doesn't add up. Even if he wanted out, he wouldn't aim for the person he 'obviously' despised. Not to mention how sloppy he would've been with the crime scene, if those were his bedsheets. It just seems like..."

Before Naegi could finish his train of thought, the school bell system rang out as Monokuma appeared on the monitor nearby.

"Ahem! I'm getting tired of waiting here... Let's get things started, shall we? It's the event you've all been waiting for... The Class Trial!! Without further ado, I'll now announce the rendezvous point! Please enter the red doors on the first floor of the school zone. Upupu, see you soooon!" With that farewell, the screen with Monokuma flickered off, and the three teens shared glances with one another.

"W-Well... I guess our time's up..." The idol smiled nervously.

Naegi rubbed his chin before turning to Aoi seriously.

"Hold on. I know you might not have seen everybody enter the laundry room itself, but can you give the list of people who you 'know' had laundry, one more time?"

The swimmer nodded shakily.

"Y-Yeah... Togami, Mondo, Yamada, me, Sakura, Yasuhiro, and Fukawa. Those are the ones I know, anyway..." Aoi's arms were crossed again, and she looked frustrated. "Do you think Celes could've had stuff, too?"

Naegi shook his head.

"There's no point speculating. We should... just get going, I guess." As he decided this, Aoi shrugged and left ahead of them, but Sayaka paused to look at Naegi's troubled expression.

"Is something wrong?"

Seeing the idol's concern, the Luckster rubbed the back of his head and chuckled weakly.

"No... Well... I hope not. Just a bad feeling, I guess. I don't wanna doubt anyone, but our lives are on the line here..." The brunet's mouth was set in a grim line, and his hands were clenched at his sides.

Without hesitation, Sayaka took his hands in her own.

"Neither of us, nor Junko, did it, Naegi-kun. And I'm sure we can put our faith in the others. If you have doubts, we'll clear them up in the trial, for sure!" The singer's smile was enough to snap Naegi out of his stupor. He gratefully returned her smile with a grin of his own.

"Y-Yeah... You're right. Let's solve this case, and get everyone out of this place alive!"

They had to. For Fukawa's sake as much as their own.

#Danganronpa #Makoto Naegi #Sayaka Maizono #Mukuro Ikusaba #Naegi x Sayaka #Makoto x Sayaka #Makoto x Mukuro #Naegi x Ikusaba #Naekusaba

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sreyasid · 5 years ago

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Stress dealing - how today stress impact not only today but our future also!!

In the fast and furious world today constant stress is a part of our lives. Stress is subjective to every individual. It is our body’s unique way of responding to any sort of threat and danger. 3MEDS, Best medicine store online in India wants you to be stress free this pandemic.

The ‘threat’ in this scenario may be real or imagined but in be it any form or manner; the body’s defences act up to get into motion in high gear, the flight or fight responses that have been innate in humans since the dawn of time.

Stress is the in built way in the human body to deal with emergency situations making an individual focused, attentive and bound on dealing with the situation. It’s what keeps you on your toes during a presentation at work, sharpens your concentration when you’re attempting the game-winning free throw, or drives you to study for an exam when you’d rather be watching TV. But beyond a certain point, stress stops being helpful and starts causing major damage to your health, mood, productivity, relationships, and your quality of life.

In this case it becomes nothing but a overpowering pang of nerves that leaves the person frazzled, dissatisfied, dissolution and overwhelmed which finally affects the attitude and life and general well being of the person in general.

Effects of stress

If you tend to get stressed out frequently, like many of us in today’s demanding world, your body may exist in a heightened state of stress most of the time. And that can lead to serious health problems. Chronic stress disrupts nearly every system in your body. It can suppress your immune system, upset your digestive and reproductive systems, increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, and speed up the aging process. It can even rewire the brain, leaving you more vulnerable to anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems. This causes not only immediate but life long issues so the person suffers from a chronic and painful which may otherwise have been a thing of the past.

What causes stress?

The most dangerous thing about stress is that it grows slowly and creep into the inner circles of our mind. Not all stress is caused by external factors. Stress can also be internal or self-generated, when you worry excessively about something that may or may not happen, or have irrational, pessimistic responses.

External causes of stress include:

• Change in lifestyle

• Trouble at work or school

• Difficulty in a relationship

• Financial troubles

• Children or other relatives

Internal causes may be

• Pessimistic nature

• Assumed truths

• Negative self talk

• Unrealistic expectations

Symptoms of stress

Stress has a queer ability of making itself a regular member from a guest at your house meaning that it can seem regular but in actuality it can take a huge toll on your health :

1. Cognitive symptoms:

• Memory problems

• Inability to concentrate

• Poor decision

• Moodiness

• General negativeness

2. Emotional symptoms:

• Depression or general unhappiness

• Anxiety and agitation

• Moodiness, irritability, or anger

• Feeling overwhelmed

• Loneliness and isolation

3. Physical symptoms:

• Aches and pains

• Constipation

• Nausea, dizziness

• Chest pain, rapid heart rate

• Loss of sex drive

• Frequent colds or flu

4. Behavioural symptoms:

• Eating more or less

• Sleeping too much or too little

• Withdrawing from others

• Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities

• Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax

• Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

When does stress get out of hand?

Because of the widespread damage stress can cause, it’s important to know the limitations. But the concept of “too much” differs from person to person. Some people seem to be able to roll with life’s punches, while others tend to crumble in the face of small obstacles or frustrations. Some people even thrive on the excitement of a high-stress lifestyle.

How can you manage stress?

By following these steps can help you manage stress:

 Identify the source

This isn’t as straightforward as it sounds. While it’s easy to identify major stressors such as changing jobs, moving, or a going through a divorce, pinpointing the sources of chronic stress can be more complicated.

o Terming the stress as a temporary issue

o Recognize it only to be quite normal, i.e. thinking that it is a part of life

o Blaming others for consequences that may be a reaction of your activities.

Keeping a journal recording the stress and meditative reflection of it is the most important way to recognize stress.

 Practice the 4 A s

According to Helpguide.org the 4As are most effective

These are:

o Avoid: Avoiding people and situations that cause stress. Learn to say ‘no' and separate your personal life.

o Alter: Take control of the situations and alter it when needed. If something stress you out simply try to suggest a different course.

o Adapt: Adapting to the environment is the most effective way to reduce stress. It makes you a part of the surroundings and be willing to compromise if situation arises

o Accept: If there is a situation that is out of hand or one which cannot be mended(like a death or a separation), accept it. It will relieve your mind and body

 Work out to reduce stress

But physical activity is a huge stress reliever—and you don’t have to be an athlete or spend hours in a gym to experience the benefits. Exercise releases endorphins that make you feel good, and it can also serve as a valuable distraction from your daily worries.

 Connect with family and make new friends

Establishing healthy connections with people is one of the most effective ways of reducing stress. Keep in touch with a few close friends and family and keep them on speed dial.

 Keep life exciting

Do not bore yourself out completely with the humdrum of regular work.

Keep ideal time out for your fun and passion.

 Setting up a timetable

A routine is the most effective way to divide the stress and conquer. Not only that it improves time management and delegate responsibilities without much issue.

 Healthy Lifestyle

Avoid unhealthy eating or snacking or munching onto things. This does not help in anyway. Cut out caffeine, sugar, alcohol and cigarettes. Sleep a adequately as it fuels the mind and body.

When you’re frazzled by your morning commute, stuck in a stressful meeting at work, or fried from another argument with your spouse, you need a way to manage your stress levels right now. That’s where quick stress relief comes in. The key to quick stress relief is to experiment and discover the unique sensory experiences that work best for you.

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actualaster · 6 years ago

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Also consider how panic is gonna present in the character.

Not everybody has a panic attack that is externally extremy visible right away.

Mine tend to be more internalized.

Sudden, rapid heartrate increase and feeling like I'm short of breath are the physical ones--but I'm not actually gasping for air, I LOOK fine in terms of breathing. Its psychological that my chest is being crushed, I'm not physically actually unable to breathe. But because I have internalized my reactions over many years, it isn't immediately obvious.

Emotionally, it swings between going absolutely blank (as a sort of defense to try and shut it down) and being in a state of absolute mortal dread, crushed under a sense of inevitable and impending doom that cannot be delayed much less stopped. Because I also have a long history of depression and self-worth issues, this often drags up feelings of personal worthlessness and doom--a personal feeling of "death is coming for me, in particular, and soon--and nothing I have ever done will matter and I will die alone and forgotten within days because I never meant anything at all". This is contrasted with the general doom feeling of "EVERYTHING is coming to an end", which is more of a large-scale sense of terror at the inevitability of all things ceasing to be in time only with that timescale moved up to "I'm going to witness the End Times".

Racing thoughts as well, usually jumping from one catastrophic scenario to another before I can even really process what's happening.

Physically I can actually function--learning to function through them was kind of needed because they would hit at times like while I was driving without a place to pull over, or while I was on the clock and unable to stop working

Irritability goes through the ROOF though, and even the most minor things will cause extreme anger on top of the despair and dread. This lasts beyond the panic attack.

I don't have flashbacks or anything because my panic doesn't come from specific trauma and instead comes from various anxiety disorders. So that's something to keep in mind depending on what triggered the panic and if the character has trauma or it's a result of a disorder or even just a one-off result of extreme stress.

From what I've been told I tend to get a distant look and become less responsive during such times, which could be chalked up to be distracted.

Getting a response from me may be more difficult depending on the intensity--because panic attacks CAN have differing intensities. I may be more confused or less coherent because my mind is busy playing through about 4 billion doomsday scenarios at once and thus shutting out outside input to a degree.

Once the panic passes--and panic attacks are generally something that is acute, and peak then begin to ease within minutes--I still have residual issues.

Usually I'm in a state of heightened anxiety and agitation as a result, usually with physical weakness and unsteadiness. Physical and mental exhaustion follows as well, and can persist for hours. Laying down and napping once I've calmed often helps with both.

The anxiety can persist for quite a few hours after the panic attack in my experience, as well as some physical symptoms such as tightness in the chest but these to a much lesser degree than during the actual attack. Again, laying down and napping often helps with these.

Sometimes a depressive episode will get kicked off and I'll spend several weeks moderately depressed and having trouble functioning, but this usually in my case only happens if the panic was triggered by extreme stress because stress also happens to be what sets off my depression most of the time. So that's something to keep in kind if you're working with a character that has multiple conditions that may have the same or similar triggers.

If this is familiar to a character they may be more likely to function through it to a degree but this could work against them as the frustration of being helpless against it can further agitate them. Extreme irritation will likely occur during or following a panic attack in such cases.

Also, if the character can tell it's coming because it wasn't an instant trigger the irritation may skyrocket because they are upset knowing they can't stop it unless they have medication or something to help.

I'm not much help on the comfort part because usually I just need to be left alone to calm down but other people may need more direct approaches.

Any advice on writing panic attacks, nightmares or flash backs related to trauma? I always feel like it gets very repetitive and if there is another person in the same scene I don't really know what to make them do to comfort the person having the flash backs :/

One way you could deal with repetition is to only describe snippets of the nightmare. Dreams aren’t coherent narratives to begin with and flashbacks and nightmares even less so. You could write several flashbacks, each one revealing a different part of the memory until your reader finally has the full picture. It would ring truer than just writing the full scene out multiple times and it would be more engaging for the reader to want to know more before you reveal it.

What the other person does will largely depend on the characters themselves and what their relationship is. Has the person suffering from flashbacks told the other person what’s happening? If so, have they told them what they want them to do in this situation?

If they haven’t told them, how does that other person tend to react in situations with heightened emotions? How do they manage unexpected events? Are they the take-charge type or do they freeze? Are they awkward around emotions or are they empathetic? Start thinking through those kinds of questions and you’ll have a better idea of what to do.

Let’s see what other ideas and suggestions people have.

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smile2rajeev12 · 6 years ago

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*****ANGER*****

"Red is such an interesting color to correlate with emotion, because it's on the both ends of the spectrum. on one end you have happiness, falling in love, infatuation with someone, passion, all that. on the other end, you've got obsession, jealousy, fear, anger, and frustration."

-Taylor Swift

youtube

It is that state of mind that destroys the ability to think. A person responds spontaneously without thinking. It is a sudden reaction to a situation.

One does not go in depth of the situation or problem, unaware and not bothered about the outcomes, they react as a result that situation becomes more complex. A person does not want to change, he want things to happen according to his will, and when things don’t happen their way then he/she starts having issues or problems. Anger hurts their ego, they become indecisive and looks for immediate solutions.

Anger takes the best from you, it kills our intellect, and decisions taken in hurry always lead to destruction. But when we realize it, it’s too late because time gone by never comes back. It leads to stress, regret, depression and insomnia.

Anger kills our serenity. Unless and until you don’t have a peace of mind, how can we expect things to work in a right way?

Anger agitates us, it exaggerates even the smallest of problems and further complicates easiest of the situations because it makes us lose our patience and wisdom. We have heard this proverb several times in our lives ‘patience is the key to success.’ But have we ever thought about it why it is so? The problem is that we know everything but we fail in its application.

Problems are part and parcel of life, in fact everyone’s life but when it comes on us, we have nothing to do, we give solution to others but we don’t find a solution for our own self. We have all the tools present within us but we stress ourselves just by thinking about the problem as we are least bothered about finding a solution, we do not like others to intrude our privacy, our lives, we are not open to suggestions. We can only give advice to others.

I have gathered few real time experiences about the causes of anger:

Ø Manoj Chinta says “he gets angry when things don’t work according to him, he isn't aggressive but he suppresses his anger which is more dangerous because he keeps it within him and piles them up which often leads to outburst as a form of resentment, later that bottled anger was released either in front of his family or closed ones.”

Suppressed anger is more dangerous because Suppressed anger can be an underlying cause of anxiety and depression. Anger that is not appropriately expressed can disrupt relationships, affect thinking and behavior patterns, and create a variety of physical problems.

Ø Shekhar Sharma says “गुस्सा इस्लिये आता है क्युंकि मेरे अंद्रर कुछ करने कि कबिलियत है, पर वोह चीज़ मैं कर नहि पा राहा हूँ! कई बार मुझे इस् बात पर मुझे सब्से ज़्यदा गुस्सा आता है की मेरे पास उस चीज़ को करने कि कबिलियत तोह है परंतु उत्ना सामर्थ नहि है! दिन मैं जो छोते-छोते गुस्से आते है उन्का प्रमुख कारण यही है ! इसलिए मैं फ़्रस्ट्रेटेड और इर्रिटेटेड फील करता हूँ!”

Ø Vivek Gautam जी का कहना है "मैं अपने नेचर को चेंज नहीं कर पाता, जिसको दुनिया प्रैक्टिकल बोलती है, वह मेरी नज़र में मतलबीपन है, परिडाम मुझे चीज़ें एक्सेप्ट करनी पड़ती है , सिचुएशन में ज़बरदस्ती अपने आपको ढालना पड़ता है, जिसका मेरा दिल गवाही नहीं देता! इसलिए मुझे गुस्सा आता है एंड आई फील फ़्रस्ट्रेटेड!"

Solution: अपने आपको थोड़ा समय देता हूँ, देन आई ासेप्ट दोज थिंग्स एंड आई फील गुड!

Ø Mohan Lal Gupta a general store merchant says”आ जाता है गुस्सा गलत बात पर, जब मेरी बात कोई नहीं मानता तब मुझे बहुत गुस्सा आता है, कोई चीज़ नहीं मिलती तब भी गुस्सा आता है! गुस्सा शांत करने के लिए पानी पी लेता हूँ या सो जाता हूँ!”

Ø Raju (Labor) "गुस्सा इसलिए आता है अगर काम ज़्यादा पड़ा , बच्चे घर पर रहते है, बच्चो की टेंशन रहती है, सोच-सोच कर गुस्सा आता है. मैं यहाँ देहरादून में काम करता हूँ और बच्चे बाँदा में रहते है. अकेलेपन में गुस्सा आता है! गुस्से को संभाल ने के लिए बीड़ी पी लेता हूँ या तंभाकु खा लेता हूँ फिर गुस्सा शांत हो जाता है!"

Ø Ashish Kainthola का कहना है " जब कोई चीज़ मेरी इच्छा अनुसार नहीं होती तब मुझे गुस्सा आता है, ज़्यादा तर केसेस में एस पर सिचुएशन की वास्तविक्ता को देखने के बाद की हर चीज़ मेरे अनुस��र नहीं हो सकती है, इस कारण गुस्सा शांत हो जाता है!"

Ø Dr. Vilas BDS Surgeon says” जब टीनएजर्स बतमीज़ी करते है, रोड पर while they do rash ड्राइविंग तब मुझे बहुत गुस्सा आता है, मैं इस बारें में कुछ कर नहीं सकता यह सोच कर शांत हो जाता हूँ! आम तौर पर जब भी मुझे गुस्सा आता है तब आई don't keep इट, मैं वही उसे निकाल देता हूँ, so that I don't face प्रॉब्लम at all. I have learned so many things from my life, it’s not important to me. I get angry but I try to avoid it somehow.

What Causes Anger?

A leading cause of anger is a person’s environment. Stress, financial issues, abuse, poor social or familial situations, and overwhelming requirements on your time and energy can all contribute to the formation of anger. As with disorders such as alcoholism, anger issues may be more prevalent in individuals who were raised by parents with the same disorder. Genetics and your body’s ability to deal with certain chemicals and hormones also play a role in how you deal with anger; if your brain doesn't react normally to serotonin: It has a popular image as a contributor to feelings of well-being and happiness, though its actual biological function is complex and multifaceted, modulating cognition, reward, learning, memory, and numerous physiological processes you might find it more difficult to manage your emotions.

Physical Symptoms of Anger-Related Problems

Strong emotions often bring about physical changes to the body, and anger is no exception. Letting anger issues go unaddressable can put your overall health at risk. Some physical symptoms of anger-related problems include:

· Tingling

· Heart palpitations or tightening of the chest

· Increased blood pressure

· Headaches

· Pressure in the head or sinus cavities

· Fatigue.

Depression and Anger

Depression and anger go hand in hand and can cause a revolving cycle that’s hard to break. Lashing out in anger can lead to alienation and feelings of guilt, which can lead to depression. Long-term depression can make it difficult to handle emotions, increasing the likelihood of anger outbursts. Often, the only way to break this cycle is to seek professional help. Dual Diagnosis: Addiction and Anger Drug and alcohol addictions can decrease your ability to deal with anger. It’s important to seek treatment options that deal with emotional and physical issues related to your disorder. A treatment program that addresses anger without dealing with addiction leaves you vulnerable to emotional issues in the future. Likewise, attending a group to discuss your addiction without mentioning your struggle with anger makes it likely you’ll use drugs or alcohol to deal with emotional pain in the future. Look out for the following patterns of behavior If you are concerned that you or someone that you know may have anger management difficulties, you should look for the following patterns of behavior:

· Becoming especially angry or violent when consuming alcohol

· Struggling to compromise or arrive easily at mutual agreements without getting angry

· Problems with expressing emotions in a calm and healthy way

· Ignoring people or refusing to speak to them

· Inward aggression that can lead to isolation or self-harm

· Outward aggression including shouting, swearing, or being physically violent and threatening

· Substance abuse or addiction

· Cycles of bad behavior which may be affecting relationships If you struggle to control your anger then you may often misunderstand constructive criticism as a challenge to your authority or capability, and this can then trigger confrontational behavior. Over generalizing, for example stating: “You’re never there for me” is quite a common behavior if you or someone that you know is struggling with controlling anger. Obsessing about how things ‘should’ be and predicting or jumping to conclusions about others’ behavior is also something that should be taken into consideration, as well as blaming others for negative situations when problems arise that may not be their fault.

The Nature of Anger

Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and nor adrenaline. Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

Expressing Anger

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us. People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive not aggressive manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others. Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships. Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside. As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone or something is going to get hurt."

NEED

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem. Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better Communication

Angry people tend to jump to and act on conclusions and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck. It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger or a partner's let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself

Timing:

If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.

Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "Well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep your-self calm. Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

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