#which took like 3 hours at which point i also decided to sweep and mop the house

[yenpondering]

On a brighter note I've taken to cleaning and reorganising the kitchen since I'm the one that mainly uses it now and it gives me serotonin to see my baking supply all neat and tidy.

Last week I tried my hand at making a no bake matcha cheesecake and a matcha bread with red bean paste yeee

[deathsteel]

30 day fanfic challenge

Prompt #14 - Bitterness

“Okay,”  Charlie said, handing over another demitasse cup to her coworker. “Try that one and tell me what you taste.”

Dean took the delicate cup from his coworker, feeling like a monstrous giant holding the tiny cup. He stuck his pinky out as he took a slurping sip, just to be obnoxious. They’d been doing the whole ‘coffee tasting’ thing for like an hour already. 

“Hmmmmm,” Dean mused, rolling the sip of coffee around his mouth as he pulled a considering face. “I taste….coffee.” 

“Ugh!” Charlie exclaimed, bating at Dean’s arm. “You’re the worst. They don’t all taste the same!”

“They do!” Dean argued, slugging back the remainder of the coffee with a grimace. Yuck! “All coffee tastes the same and I will never believe any differently.”

“People like you are the reason why Starbucks is taking over,” Charlie groused, abandoning Dean as a hopeless cause as she moved to wipe down the shop’s expensive espresso machine. 

It was a slow evening, as they all were. Honestly, that was why Dean preferred to work the closing shifts. He didn’t have to wake up early, didn’t have to deal with grumpy people, and didn’t have to worry about Grindin’s  owner breathing down his neck as he worked. Not that Billie wasn’t great, she was just scary af and didn’t appreciate Dean’s jokes as much as the rest of the weirdos on the night crew did. She also didn’t understand the innuendo behind the shop’s name or was being deliberately obtuse, Dean honestly couldn’t figure out which one it was. 

“When’s Garth getting here?” Dean asked as he moved around the long pastry display case next to the register to go and collect some empty mugs that a study group had just abandoned at their table when they left for the day. 

Charlie shrugged noncommittally, as she cleaned. “I dunno, he texted and said he was running late; that Billie knew and he’d be here to at least lock the door.” 

Dean nodded, humming along to the local music that Billie liked to feature quietly over the coffee shop’s speakers. They played the same stuff often enough that he knew all the words, even if it wasn’t something he would have voluntarily listened to on a normal day. 

The bell over the door of the shop chimed as Dean was carrying a precarious stack of half-filled coffee mugs back to the sink in the back room of the shop. 

“Oh hey!” he heard Charlie exclaim as he rid the cups of their contents, rinsed them, and stuck them in the soapy water in one of the sinks. He’d wash everything later. 

When he came back out, he saw Charlie chatting amicably with a slender dark haired man who was tying one of the shop’s maroon aprons over skinny jeans and a black t-shirt. Dean noted wide shoulders and a pretty perky butt before Charlie realized that Dean was coming and pointed out his presence to her companion. 

“Yea, it's me and Dean closing tonight, so you can just let us handle all the cleaning stuff and you can do the important things,” Charlie finished as Dean sidled up next to the duo. 

“Right,” The other man said with a decisive nod before he stuck his hand out to Dean. “Castiel, I usually open. I don’t think we’ve ever crossed paths. Dean, right?”

Dean nodded, shaking the other man’s hand registering absently how soft Castiel’s hands were and how strong his grip was. “Yea, you’re the one who likes to put smiley faces on the bottoms of all the cups.” 

Castiel grinned, his tanned skin flushing just a bit across his cheekbones and the bridge of his nose. “Only when customers are being extra grumpy.”

“You must deal with a lot of dicks then,” Charlie chimed in helpfully, causing the other man’s blush to deep as he let out a disbelieving chuckle. 

“Yea, we don’t get a lot of cheerful people first thing in the morning,” he admitted, looking around the mostly empty cafe. “So, what’s left to do?”

“Oh, we’ve got it handled,” Dean said, waving a dismissive hand. “Charlie usually handles the lobby and pastry case and I tackle the dishes and the mopping. We usually just find some way to kill time until it's time to close.”

“Must be nice,” Castiel said with a half grin.

“Yea, we were doing a coffee tasting, but Dean’s got the palate of a toddler so I gave up,” Charlie offered, gesturing to the small pour over array that they had set up to taste the different coffee blends that the shop offered. “I’m studying to get my Q grader certification.”

“Cool,” Castiel said, moving over to pick up the ground coffee that Charlie had set aside for another tasting. “I have a study guide for the written portion if you want to borrow it. It's a few years old, but I doubt much has changed since I took the test.”

“You have your Q?” Charlie asked, sounding starstruck. Dean rolled his eyes, deciding he’d leave the coffee nerds to talk while he went and knocked out the dishes early. 

~~~

He returned to the front of the store about half an hour later, wiping water off his forearms with a paper towel to find Charlie had moved on to sweeping and tidying the tables in the now empty cafe. It was about 45 minutes until close, but at this rate they’d be done hella early and Dean could go home and crash in front of The Bachelorette for a bit. 

Dean wandered over to Castiel who was fiddling with Charlie’s pour over, doling out three of the store's small mugs worth of coffee before he rinsed the whole apparatus and set it on the drainboard next to the espresso machine. 

“Hey,” Castiel said as Dean leaned up against the counter next to where the other man was working. “I thought you might want to try this new blend Billie is rolling out next week.”

Dean let out a noncommittal noise and shrugged. “Nah, all coffee tastes the same to me dude. I don’t have a ‘refined palate’.”

The last part was said with heavy sarcasm complete with air quotes, earning an amused snort from Castiel that made Dean’s stomach do a somersault. 

“Maybe you’re just not drinking it the right way,” Castiel replied, crossing his arms over his chest and tapping his chin in thought for a moment before he made a face that Dean could only describe as an ‘Ah-ha face’.

“I’ve got an idea,” he said, handing Dean the mug of coffee that he had just poured. “Hold this, I’ll be right back.”

Dean confusedly took the offered cup, smiling down at the liquid inside when Castiel made an endearing dash to the back room; his sneakers squeaking on the floor as he went. It took about a minute before the other man was back, holding a small brown wrapped package in his hand. As Dean watched, Castiel unwrapped the parcel to reveal a bar of chocolate.

“I’ve been saving this for something special,” Castiel explained as he broke off a piece, holding it up to Dean’s mouth. “Hold this in your mouth and take a sip.”

‘Oof,’ Dean thought to himself as he obediently opened his mouth and let the other man slip the shard of confectionary past his lips; Castiel’s soft fingertips brushing his bottom lip as he withdrew his hand. 

“Now take a sip,” Castiel urged as Dean stood there dumbfounded with a semi and a piece of chocolate sitting on his tongue. 

Dean stifled his whimper in his coffee cup as he brought it to his mouth, taking a slurp of coffee in to join the chocolate in his mouth. Immediately he was confronted with the sweetness of the chocolate as it melted almost instantaneously from the heat of coffee, cutting the bitter edge to the dark roast as he let the flavors play across his tongue. 

“You’re probably tasting how sweet the chocolate is right?” Castiel asked, earning a quick nod from Dean in reply. “Good, now what else?”

Dean’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he stared at the other man. He tasted coffee and chocolate, duh. 

But as he watched the other man’s excited blue eye dance in enjoyment, Dean started to taste the earthiness of the coffee, the tang of...citrus, maybe? It teased at this taste buds, just at the edges of his awareness and Dean kinda understood why people talked about coffee like it was some divine ambrosia. Dean had always thought it just tasted like sour, dirty water. But maybe he could see the appeal. 

“Citrus,” Dean offered cautiously, earning an encouraging nod from his fellow barista. “And...well it tastes kinda like a forest smells, y’know?”

“I do know!” Castiel exclaimed, breaking off a piece of chocolate and absently taking a sip of his coffee to go with it. “Maybe you should just be pairing your coffee with food to enjoy it.” 

“Maybe,” Dean mused, staring at the other man with barely concealed adoration. 

They lingered for a few more minutes, drinking the coffee and diminishing Castiel’s chocolate stash by half before Charlie loudly declared that it was ten minutes until close and she was done cleaning the lobby. 

That seemed to launch Castiel into action and he excused himself to start counting down the register and gathering the day's receipts. Dean meanwhile gathered up the last of their dishes and rushed them through the dishwasher. He was filling the mop bucket when Castiel poked his head into the backroom and waved him off the task. 

“Don’t worry about mopping,” the other man explained. “I’ll get here at bit early in the morning and take care of it. Just get your stuff together, we’ll leave as soon as it hits closing time.”

“Just pray no one else comes in,” Charlie said breezily as she swanned past Castiel towards the employee lockers along the back wall.

Dean shrugged, putting the mop away and washing his hands one last time before grabbing his own jacket out of his locker and heading to wait in the front of the store for closing time. 

Luckily, no customers came in for coffee in the interceding 3 minutes until close and it wasn’t until the trio was locking up and walking towards the parking lot that Dean found the courage to speak. 

“Sucks that you’re clopening, man” Dean offered as Charlie peeled off with a wave to head towards her lime green Volkswagen Beetle. 

Castiel chuckled, shoving his hands in the pockets of his maroon hoodie as they walked toward Dean’s black Impala and the blue Hyundai parked next to it that Dean assumed belonged to the other man. “I’ve never heard it called that.” 

“Call it what you want, it's still the hell shift,” Dean joked. “Hope we didn’t scare you off the night shift for good.” 

“Nope,” Castiel replied, rocking up onto his toes as they stopped at their cars. “In fact, maybe next time I can just close and I can buy you a drink afterwards.”

“Oh,” Dean said, being caught out because he hadn’t expected the other man to beat him to the punch like that. “Well, as long as its not coffee I think I’d be really into that.”

“I can probably manage that,” the other barista said with a dopey smile. 

Oh second thought, maybe Dean could learn to like coffee. 

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[bucketofchum]

1.5 years after I moved out, I wrote a review

so idk how many of y’all are still around for 1.5 years ago, when I was in a shitty ass housing situation. I had been putting off writing a review bc I was afraid if I ran into the landlady again (since I still live in the same small town), it would lead to.. bad times. But since then, I have met 2 other tenants who have had her and also had a terrible experience. So I felt guilty that I had not written about my experiences which might have been able to warn them. Anyhow, for those who care to read, I put my review under the cut:

While this room might be a good option for someone staying only for a few days, I do not recommend this for anyone staying for 1 month or longer. I came as a foreign student, looking for longterm housing. Ultimate, I stayed there for 2-3 months but honestly even one month was too much. But I had nowhere else to go and because she required a minimum of 2 months’ provisional time before she allowed me to leave as a tenant. If you want to stay as a long term resident, you should be aware of certain things.

First, R has a young daughter. While the daughter is friendly and fun, it was not written anywhere that there would be children in the house. There were some mornings when I woke up to the girl screaming, shrieking, and crying loudly for 30+ minutes because she did not want to shower, brush her teeth, get dressed. The same thing happens at night when she does not want to go to bed or brush teeth. I have recordings of the yelling and crying from the room – it has woken me up or kept me up multiple times. Additionally, there were days when R expected me to babysit her daughter. She asked me to tutor her daughter in schoolwork, making sure she finished all of her schoolwork. I would be fine with this as a request but not as a demand or expectation, especially without pay. I work full time and I did not anticipate spending hours on Sunday tutoring a child.

Second, R has a cat. Fortunately, I like cats, but I am also allergic. This was not mentioned anywhere in the bio, and since leaving, I have been informed by later residents that she now actually has two cats. Again, despite my allergies, I enjoy animals, so this was not the main issue so much as the fact that R has a habit of not being completely forthcoming.

Thirdly, on that topic, R’s personal relationships impacted my stay. Her ex-husband would come to the house every other week or so, and R did not want him to know that she was renting out the room. So she had me clean up the room and put all my things away to make the room seem as though it were empty and she was not renting it out. I hide all of my things in the closet and under the bed. Then, I had to leave the house for some time while her ex-husband was in the house. She would text me when it was okay to come back. This happened several times – as I said, every other weekend or so.

Fourthly, R would occasionally come into the room when I was not in the house. I don’t know if this was an everyday thing or perhaps every few days? At first I noticed that the window would be either opened or closed or the blinds up or down, in a way I did not leave them. I asked her if she came into the room (it was apparent) and she said no. There is no lock for the room, so no way to stop her from entering. I know she is very particular about the way she wants the windows and the blinds, so she will always correct you, regardless of how you put it. One day, I found a comb set neatly on my table. I asked her, again, if she went into the room. She said no. I asked where the comb came from then? She said “Oh, I thought it was yours.” It was not. She never acknowledged to going into the room, only saying she thought the comb was mine. It was neither of ours, so I can only assume it was her daughter’s. Which would suggest that not only does R enter the room when I am not home, so does her daughter.

I will say one thing, though – R likes her house cleaned in a very particular way. She expects you to maintain it this way as well, which is very reasonable. It felt less like I was paying a landlord for a room and more like I was paying to have a mother hover over me and tell me to do my chores. You have access to the kitchen, but she is extremely particular about the way you use it. She’ll hover over your shoulder and remind you to do certain things while you are cooking. Reminding you also how to clean the kitchen counter even while you are in the middle of cooking. The door must be open when you are cooking – to not make the house smell like food. The back wall of the stove area must be cleaned. Certain pots and pans are better than others. In the end, I did not use the kitchen more than 3 times in two months because I couldn’t handle her hovering over my shoulder reminding me every 15 seconds what I should be doing. Sweeping and mopping the floors was another matter entirely.

There are plenty of other matters as well, but essentially, during the first month (May), I felt so uncomfortable in the house that I preferred to just stay outside, from sunrise until sunset. Leaving before they woke up and coming back after they had gone to bed. Fortunately, since it was May, sunset was very late and the weather was pleasant, so I could walk outside in the park until 11pm.

At this point, I was wondering if perhaps I was too sensitive and just reading R incorrectly. After one month, a second tenant came – also a foreigner coming here from Cambodia to work/study. He was very quick to tell me that things were unpleasant with her and he was uncomfortable about a lot of things about her. But he decided to bite his tongue and just survive the month since he had already paid. Several months later, I also met another girl from Vietnam who had just arrived to France. I asked her how it was and she was in tears, saying it was not good at all. She told me that she had this crazy landlady and she was so miserable. As she told me more and more stories, realising she lives in the same town as me, I asked her the name of her landlady because I suspected it was the same as mine. It was indeed R.

When I finally was able to move out (I found a studio apartment, living by myself), R was understandably very upset. She told me I was obligated to pay an additional full month’s rent because I did not give her enough warning time (I gave her a month). We eventually settled it down to half a month, but she wanted me gone immediately after. As it turned out, having an entire apartment rented all for myself cost less than having this room in R’s house.

For me, this was one of the worst “long term” housing situations I have ever had. It was only two months, but those two months seemed like an eternity. I am certain that R is wonderfully hospitable for people with shorter stays. Several days or a week or so is fine, with limited interaction with R. But I do not recommend this room for anyone staying one month or longer, or even perhaps 2-3 weeks.

It took me 1.5 years to come back to write this comment because I did not want to relive the experience and I was afraid of the repercussions of maybe running into her again.

[raiswriting]

muse

request: art major!reader w law major!doyoung pls :cc bullet note format if u can!!!

a/n: he’s a year older than you but it doesn’t matter that much

warning: a few swear words oopsie

genre: fluffy college!au

pairing: doyoung x reader

summary: ummm basically just how you and doyoung meet and get to know each other

word count: 5.1k (oops)

lets GOOOOOOOO

okay so basically college has been a JOURNEY

people ALWAYS had some shit to say as soon as they found out you were an art major

it was usually “what are you going to do with that” “do you know how unsteady that career path is”

liKE I GET IT

do they really think they’re telling you something new????

oh I’m sorry your majoring in business Susan™ and you decide to throw away your passions just because some high school counselor told you that you wouldn’t be able to support yourself but IM going to make my passion a career

lol sorry I have a lot of feelings

now onto how you met your mans doyoung

your freshman and sophomore years, you had only seen him in passing

tbh you barely recognized him when you saw him more than once

you knew him as “that one dude that i always see in the dining hall wearing suits”

then junior year you got a job at the convenience store on campus (lets get this BREAD)

pls tell me it isn’t some weird niche thing that only my school has

aNyWHO he started coming in around 2 am right before closing

and ALWAYS picked up 3 coffees all of which had double shots of espresso

this happened about 2 or 3 times a week

(which is very unhealthy guys gals and nonbinary pals pls try to drink cold water instead, it helps wake me up or green tea)

so despite seeing him so often at work, he began to appear less and less everywhere else

were you lowkey kinda sad about it???

mAYhaPS

that was until winter quarter started

you needed an elective class, SO you figured ‘eh why not take philosophy’ you had heard around that the professor is really chill and overall the class wasn’t supposed to be that bad

WELL GUESS AGAIN

 because that really nice professor that everyone loved isn’t the one teaching the class this quarter

but hey you figured let’s go into this with an open mind and hope for the best

well on day one of this class (which is a 9 am by the way) guess who struts through the door

mister “that one guy i’d always see wearing a suit” who became mister “that one dude who always buys too much coffee at 3 am”

the man… the myth…… the legend………….MISTER KIM DOYOUNG

yep and ya boi decided to sit 2 seats down from you, it was too far to say hi or anything (esp bc you had never really spoken to him before) but like he was also just close enough for it to be awkward

so class went by normally you found out that the new professor wasn’t THAT bad but there was definitely gonna be a lot of work involved

so yeah life carries on as normal

you still see him all the time at the convenience store

one night it had been a particularly rough shift

your alarm didn’t go off, so you were running late, it had started to rain on your walk to work, and when you finally got there your manager apparently had someone piss in his cheerios because he had S U C H an attitude because you were

 TWO

MINUTES

LATE

you were sat behind the counter after what felt like hours of sweeping and mopping the floors

that’s when he walked in

you didn’t even lift your head to greet him as “hi, welcome” crawled itself out of your mouth

you did however notice when he sat his 3 cans of coffee in front of you

“hey your y/n right?”

 “that’s what it says on my nametag”

“haha yeah it does. i think i have you in my philosophy class”

when you finally met his eyes, you felt a little bad

you had kinda been giving him the cold shoulder for something that wasn’t his fault

 you gave him a little smile

“yeah i am. doyoung right?”

he nodded slightly

the air was a little awkward and silent as you scanned his coffees

as you handed him the receipt he asked “hey do you maybe want to study together sometime. i mean our test is in like two weeks and it’s a quarter of our grade so like if you were free we could hang out and get some work done?”

dUDE you froze

here he was standing right in front of you; messy hair, sweatpants, a sweatshirt repping your school logo and looking very nervous (but very attractive lmao)

i guess your reply took a little too long because he quickly started to back peddle

“i mean if you prefer to study alone that’s cool. i just always see you during lecture and you look like you understand the material and sometimes i get a little lost in terminology but if you don’t want to that’s fine too.”

you quickly snapped out of your haze

 “no, no. i would love to study with you. here let me give you my number so we can meet up. most of my classes are in the morning so any time after like noon should be fine.”

 you grabbed his receipt back and quickly scribbled your number on it before handing it back

“just text me when you want to get together”

 okay honestly you had never been one to give out your phone number just like that and you didn’t really like studying with people

but something about him made it so hard to say no

you just had this urge to get to know him

so when he texted you a few days later asking if you were free to study that night

of course you said yes

and it went pretty smoothly

he has a much better understanding of the material than he let on at first

he even ended up helping you understand a few things

you got together w few times over the next couple of weeks

each time you met you got to know each other more and more

yall quickly became friends

well yall became friends after the first night studying because lets be real it was awKWARD

like neither of you felt particularly comfortable yet because this was the first time you had actually hung out with each other despite knowing of each other’s existence for two years

oh yeah that’s something you found out after getting to know one another

 he had always seen you around campus and wanted to get to know you but never did because he thought it’d freak you out having a random stranger coming up to you like

‘hey I know you don’t know me but I see you all the time. let’s be friends.’

which isn’t THAT crazy but to each their own

okay but let’s jump to the time 2 days before your exam

you guys agreed to meet up at the library and the plan was to study for A WHILE just to make sure you were prepared ya know?

so like you get there and he was already sitting in a room waiting

 when you open the door he gets up to hug you

which he hasn’t ever done before

and like tbh he was really warm and smelled really nice like it his cologne wasn’t too strong, and it smelt sweet but also very inviting which isn’t really a scent but like do you get me? and he gave a really tight hug like the type that you didn’t want to let go of it felt as though you could stay there forever (this is also where you lowkey start having feelings for him but shhh because you don’t realize it yet)

so back the point

obvi you start studying and besides the hug nothing was really that different

you got through the material, quizzed each other, talked a bit

ya know the usual

time flew by and the next thing you know it’s 12:30 am and the library would be closing at 1 so you decide to wrap it up

“alright doyoung i’ll see you in class. get some rest before the test okay?”

 “yeah yeah i will” he rolled his eyes a little bit

 “seriously dude. i know you. go straight to sleep when you get back to your place”

he worried you sometimes. He really wanted to do well and the applications for law school were opening up soon, so he’s been kinda stressed no matter how much he tried to hide it and this test coming up isn’t helping

“i will. i promise.”

he walked you out of the library and you two would usually part ways and walk alone to your apartments

before you could turn and say goodbye doyoung was already speaking

“hey it’s a lot darker out here than usual”

you looked up at the pitch-black sky

“yeah I guess it is, oh well at least I have my pep-“

 “what? you have your pepper spray right?”

“no i forgot that i let my roommate borrow it. she’s going to a sorority thing and won’t be back until like 3 or 4. it’s fine though my apartment is only like a 10-minute walk. goodnight do”

“wait y/n. i’ll walk you back. it’s way too late and too dark for you to go home”

“no i couldn’t ask you to do that. you’re law and society class is at 8 am tomorrow so you need to get some sleep.”

 “well i won’t be able to sleep anyway if I’m staying up worried about you. so lead the way.”

despite the cold fall air, your face felt hot

like you know that it’s normal for friends to be worried about each other but that didn’t make doyoung saying it any less charming

the walk back was nerve wracking

you guys normally don’t hang out outside of the context of studying

so like this was weird, nice but weird

and once you go to your door there was a cast of silence

doyoung was just looking at you

normally it would make you kinda uncomfy/insecure but right now you were calm

there was something about looking into his eyes

the brown was so warm and inviting

after a few seconds of the comfortable silence, he finally looked away

and I awkwardly cleared my throat “thank you for walking me home doyoung”

 “of course, i’m just gald to know you got here safely”

“so um, i was gonna wish you luck just in case we don’t see each other before the test but i mean judging from our study session you won’t need it though.”

he giggled and i swear someone could have mopped up your heart because it was in a puddle on the floor

“shut up y/n. thank you though. i always appreciate your kind words. do you want to meet for lunch after the exam? i usually have a lab afterwards but it got cancelled so if you’re free we should meet up.” asjdjjklcbclkNCKDLSNCOS

“yeah i am free. i guess i’ll see you then.”

 he took a few steps back “yeah i guess you will. goodnight y/n”

“goodnight doyoung. actually get some sleep tonight, yeah?”

you could see his shoulders shake with laughter as he walked down the steps

to say you were smitten would be an UNDERSTATEMENT

the smile that showed up didn’t leave even after you fell asleep

when you get to class on that friday morning, doyoung is already sitting in his usual seat

the bags that usually take their place beneath his eyes are barely visible today

hopefully he took your advice and actually went to sleep

after the test you both got some burgers for lunch and just talked it had nothing to do with the test which was nice

i guess y’all make a great pair because once the scores came out, both of you got A’s

after that studying together became a routine

every tuesday, thursday and saturday leading up to the next test,  you guys would review or sometimes just hang out

it was a mutual decision to help each other study

even if you didn’t share the class, one would be there to quiz and make sure the other focused (most of the time it worked, other times you’d be the reason they got distracted and vice versa)

the two of you would go out for lunch on those days instead

as the quarter drew to a close and the break got nearer and nearer as did finals week

you and doyoung tried to keep up with your study schedule but it was getting harder

you had artwork due

you were particularly stressed over a sculpture that was assigned

your teacher gave you those choice of clay or marbleas a medium and clearly you chose clay

you were going to do marble but then you remembered the other 3 tests you need to prepare for and a portfolio that had to fit the theme of mythology

so basically you had a lot of art to produce and NO INSPIRATION like none, zero, zip, zilch, nada

you sat in the room you had reserved in the arts building

a pile of clay sat atop a slab of rock, a blank page of a sketchbook sat next to that

scrolling through pinterest had stopped working long ago and at this point you were losing hope

ring, ring, ring

doyoung’s name popped up on your screen

it was odd because you two usually texted for everything

“hey, do what’s up?”

“hi y/n i was just wondering if you wanted to grab some fro-yo. i just got out of another test and could use some company”

“ahh, doyoung i’m sorry but i’m stuck doing work. do you remember that mythology sculpture i told you about? well, it’s due next Wednesday and i haven’t even started on it yet”

his voice sounded so concerned “is everything okay? how are you doing?”

“i’m doing okay, just tired. i’ve been trying so hard but can’t find any inspiration” you sighed into the phone, looking out the window of your room

“what room are you in?”

“room 247 in building B. why?”

“just sit tight.”

the call ended before you could ask any more questions

okay when i tell yall it was less than five minutes and he was walking through the door just know that what i really mean is he rAN FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF CAMPUS TO COME COMFORT YOU

so yeah, he got there huffin and puffin, ready to blow your house down (with love)

“doyoung, what are you doing here?”

“well you were upset.” his tone was so matter-of-fact, and his eyes were so wide and innocent

honestly he looked so cute but like you were still very confused

what was he doing there?????

yeah you were upset but you also didn’t want to worry him

he casually walked over to a seat beside a window and pulled something out of his backpack

as he got closer and reached his hand out for you to take it, you noticed it was a sandwich

“it’s ham and cheese. light mayo, no lettuce or tomato”

when your eyes looked up at him he wouldn’t make eye contact

“you said this is the only way you take your sandwiches”

yALL 

you only told him this once in passing because he was eating a sandwich with mayo

but pls tell you are putting the pieces together

he stopped to get you food and made it across campus in 5 minutes

the walk alONE SHOULD HAVE TAKEN 10 MINUTES

HE STOPPED AND GOT YOU FOOD TO MAKE SURE YOU WEREN’T SKIPPING ANY MEALS

MARRY THID MANFSJDLFG

alrighty anywho

obviously you took the sandwich and spent 5 minutes thanking him for getting it for you

he sat back down in his seat near the window as you guys chatted for a bit

the conversation slowed slightly and you were able to just look at him

the light was bouncing off his face perfectly

his eyes looked like freshly brewed coffee. they were warm and inviting

his smile somehow managed to outshine the light pouring in

there he was

in all of his glory

your muse

your inspiration

his expression shifted to one of confusion

“y/n, why are you looking at me like that”

he could be your subject for not only the sculpture but also the portfolio as well

“okay this may be an odd favor and you can feel free to say no”

your leg couldn’t stop bouncing up and down and you thought your hands might catch a cramp from all the wringing they were doing

“don’t be silly. what is it?”

“well, i was thinking maybe you could be the model for my sculpture.”

 “of course i will but i thought it was supposed to be about mythology and i’m no greek god”

he chuckled a little bit

“shut up do. are you kidding me? your shoulders are like a mile wide. you have a great jawline and that smile? you’d have all the mortal girls falling for you i mean i did. that sounds like god-material to me”

he threw his head back laughing

mostly to hide the huge blush creeping up his cheeks

“okay, okay. i’ll pose for you. what do i have to do?”

“just sit still so that i can take some measurements of your face and then i’ll take some photos for reference afterwards.”

doyoung did as he was told for the most part

he sat there patiently

he kept peeking at your sketchbook as you laid out the rough ideas for a few of your other pieces

tbh you hadn’t even noticed

you were in the ZONE, you hadn’t been this inspired in a while and you wanted to take full advantage of it

you also hadn’t noticed the ,,,, um,,,, lack of space,,,,,, between the two of you

well doyoung had, to say the least

he sat there desperately hoping and praying that you wouldn’t notice how sharply he would breathe in everytime your hands touched his face to move its position

or that you couldn’t notice how much his hands were shaking and how he was constantly wiping them on his pants because they were very sweaty

finally, you had all the information you needed

as you stepped back and over to your chair in front of the clay, doyoung could finally breath

“doyoung, do you have any other classes today? i don’t want to keep you here if you have plans. you can go i can work off of the reference pictures”

he very vigorously shook his head

“no no, i’m free for the day.”

“okay. you should probably go get something to eat while get this started. this will probably be a long process.”

“yeah sure. do you want me to grab you anything while I’m gone?”

“nope i’m good. i already had the sandwich you brought me.”

“okay then i’ll be right back”

after he left it easy to feel the emptiness of the room

even though you were enveloped in your work it was still noticeable

the absence of his presence was palpable

the lack of it was almost suffocating

while you were worked on getting the basic shape and structure you found yourself unsettled

unable to get back into the ‘zone’ you found yourself in before

still, you pushed through the weird shift in the air, but it wasn’t long before doyoung came back with a bag of food

“hey doyoung.”

he glanced over at your pile of clay

“whoa. you made a lot of progress. okay i know you said that you didn’t want anything to eat but i brought burgers and some chips and stuff just in case.

“doyoung, you really didn’t have to. i would have been fine.”

he rolled his eyes but didn’t reply. he simply sat back in his chair and ate some of the fries that came with his burger

the hours seemed to fly by once doyoung returned

it also helped that you played music on the speaker that you brought

before you knew it, it was 5 pm and the sun was setting

you leaned back from your chair to stretch before standing and taking a good look at the sculpture

after about 4 hours of work, you were almost done

of course there were still things that needed to be touched up, like the hair and the eyes

you had decided on a pose of doyoung looking up and off into the distance

you turned and washed your hands in the sink at the back of the room

“here’s your burger if you want it. it might be a little cold, but it doesn’t have any mustard, lettuce, tomato, or pickle. that’s how you like it right?”

YALL HE DID IT AGAIN

HE REALLY JUST OUT HERE BEIN A WHOLE SWEETHEART

“yeah, how’d you know?”

“remember we met up for dinner before a study session a few weeks ago? that’s how you ordered your burger and you told me about how dill pickles were the bane of your existence”

 “which they are” you chuckled “but i can’t believe you remembered that”

“of course, i did. i remember everything you tell me”

your heart melted for like the fiFTH TIME TODAY

you smiled and blushed before grabbing the wrapped burger from his hands

you guys sat and ate in comfortable silence

once you had finished you turned to him

“if you’re ready to leave you can. i just have a few things to add but it’ll be okay if you aren’t here. i’m just about out of daylight anyway.”

he playfully cocked his head to the side and crossed his arms

“y/n. i have a feeling you’re trying to get rid of me”

“maybe i am doyoung. whatcha gonna do about it?”

“cry.”

you both busted up laughing

once you had calmed down you looked at him

“seriously do. if you wanna go study or sleep or something go ahead”

he stood up and began to walk closer to you

“oh stop that. y/n it isn’t a burden for me to stay here with you. i’m honored that you would choose me to be the subject of your work and i love spending my time with you”

at this point he was standing right in front of you. looking down into your eyes.

there was no hiding the redness flushing your skin

after a few moments of silence, you looked back down at your hands

he speaks again as if you two hadn’t spent the past minute just staring into each other’s eyes

“so what next? are you gonna keep sculpting me or are you gonna draw and paint a bit?”

“ummm ,,, i kinda want to just finish the sculpture so that i don’t have to worry about it ya know?”

“yeah. where is the light switch?”

“right by the corner near the door”

as he flipped on the switch and light once again flooded the room

you were able to get a good look at the sculpture

despite it not being finished, you were still incredibly happy and proud of it

you sat back down in front of it ready to finish the work

it only took another hour or two to finish once you really got back into it

you spent the bulk of the time adding in all the little details

and you also decided last minute to add a wreath atop his head and the top of a toga

you took a final step back before sighing in relief

you were finished

you almost wanted to cry

while you were staring at the piece doyoung got up to stand behind you and look at it as well

“wow y/n. it’s beautiful.”

“well it’s you so i hope it is.”

LOOK AT YOU. BEING BOLD. OKAAYYYY

before he could say anything else, you walked back to the sink and while washing your hands, asked his help to put it in another room to dry for a few days before it goes into the kiln

“it’ll take a while to dry so i’m going to leave it here and head to bed”

“okay well i can walk you back to your apartment”

“alrighty”

okay so you grabbed all your stuff (with his help because doyoung is too nice to just walk beside you as you try carry 4 different bags filled with art supplies)

the walk back was kind of uneventful

you invited him in to drop all your things off before he headed out, not until you thanked him for spending the day with you and being your subject

okay so 2 weeks pass

you and doyoung meet up a few times because you need him to model a few poses for your portfolio

but FINALLY you finished your portfolio and sculpture and turned it all in

since then you have been relaxing, getting ready for winter break

well “relaxing” is a loose term

tbh you had been kinda stressed over the scores you were going to get on the artwork

and today, the day before the quarter ends, your professor would be handing back your portfolio & sculpture with a score

you decided to text doyoung after getting dismissed from class

y/n: “hey i get the score for my art project back today. do you want to meet up and we can find out together?”

doyoung: “oh my gosh yes. but are you sure you want me to be there?”

y/n: “of course do. you were such a big part of this, i couldn’t leave you out of it. besides you haven’t seen the finished portfolio”

doyoung: “okay. same art room as last time?”

y/n: “yep. i’ll see you in 20”

you were nervous. as you waited in the room, your legs couldn’t stay still so you decided to pace in hopes of calming yourself down

or at least having something to do

when he walked into the room, your eyes met

there was no hiding the frantic look in them either

“hey y/n. do you have it?”

you pulled a card from inside the front of your portfolio and set it down on the table

doyoung’s voice was soft and calming as he walked up to you

“can i look at it?”

he picked up the large folder

in a large gold print:

PROMETHEUS, he dies everyday but wouldn’t wish for any other way to spend eternity

“you chose me to represent Prometheus? what’s his story”

you began to recount the tale as doyoung slowly flipped through pages of your artwork

·         “well he was the youngest of the titans, which were the creators of greek gods. it was said that he was also the kindest. when he looked upon the earth and saw how the humans were struggling, Prometheus felt pity and decided to give them a gift. he gave them a divine secret of the gods. he gave them fire. he did this despite knowing that Zeus would punish him if he found out. which he did. the other titans and gods were furious, so they tied him to a rock near the sea. every day an eagle would come and rip out prometheus’ liver and he would die. every night it would grow back bringing him back to life. this torturous routine goes on every day and night and according to the myth it continues until this day, as it will forever.”

as you finished the story doyoung closed the folder

all he said was “wow”

it made you nervous. “so ,,,,, do you like it?”

“y/n. this is beyond words. this is amazing. and you chose me?”

“well yeah i mean. you two just seemed to fit each other. you are the kindest person i know. you’re very generous too. so really it wouldn’t have worked if i had chosen anyone else or any other myth.”

he said nothing. just set down your work and hugged you.

you embraced each other. sharing this moment.

“y/n no matter the score on the other side of that car, just know that your work is beyond incredible. not just because it’s of me”

you both laughed before he continued

“seriously. you are an amazing artist. your art moves people. it makes me feel emotions that i haven’t felt in a while. it takes me on a journey.”

he pulled back and gave you one last smile before grabbing the card off of the table

“on 3”

“….1”

“….2”

“….3!”

a 97 was written in bright red marker

“oh my gosh y/n”

you two jumped back into each other’s arms

the smile on your face was ear to ear. there was no way it was going to fade any time soon

“I knew you could do it.”

“not without you i couldn’t have,” you say leaning back slightly, your arms still around his neck

he rolls his eyes at you

“seriously doyoung. if you hadn’t come by that day i don’t know what i would have done. you were my muse”

his arms were wrapped tightly around your waist

your eyes would have met if his weren’t staring at your lips right now

“y/n.” he whispered

“doyoung?”

“can i kiss you?”

“absolutely”

FUCKING FINALLY

ahem sorry I got a little excited for you

it was great. what can i say

it was everything you expected to be

before you thought that the whole “fireworks” thing was just movies overexaggerating

 but NOW you can attest to that

the kiss with doyoung had so much built up tension and caring and passion and just wowza

when you finally pulled apart

both of you were slightly out of breath

doyoung still had this cute, dumb smile plastered on his face

he gave you a few more pecks

which of course made you have a big dumb smile plastered on your face

you actually pulled apart and out of his arms this time and took a look at the score card

beneath your score the professor left a little note

“i hope you don’t mind but i emailed the art gallery about your work. they have a small exhibition open if you’d like to showcase your art. here’s the email: ­­­­­­_______. please consider it. you have serious talent.”

“an art gallery doyoung. an exhibition in an art gallery.”

tears fell down your face

this was an amazing opportunity

a dream came true

“i can come over tonight and we can email them.”

you just nodded your head

tbh you were still in shock

this was a huge opportunity

“so y/n. i know there is a lot going on right now but I can’t wait. will you be my girl/boy-friend?

“doyoung of course. can you help me take this stuff back to my apartment then if you want we can go grab something to eat?”

he nodded happily and grabbed the sculpture

THE END

goodness gracious that took a while

I hope you enjoyed reading this 5 thousand-word trainwreck

I know some of the stuff about creating sculptures isn’t accurate, but I need to make it work with the timeline I had in my head

I hope it didn’t bother anyone too much

but yeah

thanks for reading

also I didn’t proofread this so hopefully there aren’t many mistakes

if there are just message me and I’ll fix them

also also here’s a sequel type thing that doesn’t have to be seen as a sequel umm it isn’t as good as this one but here ya go

·         

[thewritewolf]

Nino’s Quest Chapter 4: Return Home

The party finishes their first dungeon crawl through the power of teamwork! Includes the barmaid scene alluded to in the original one-shot. ;)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Enjoy!

Read on Ao3.  My ko-fi.

“Yo, M!”

Marinette froze in the middle of reaching toward the intercom button on the Agreste mansion gate, but relaxed when she saw him approaching. “Oh! Hey, Nino. Great timing, I was just about to go in.”

“That so? And how long have you been ‘just about to go in’?” He smirked as he said it, already knowing what the answer would be.

Just as he suspected, Marinette’s shoulders slumped. “...A while.” She rubbed her arm. “I just… I don’t think I’m ready yet to be alone with him for that long. You know?”

“Yeah, I get you, but I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit, dude.” He pressed the button and waited for the gate to open. “You’ve been getting better around him. And I know he likes talking to you.”

“R-really?!” Her head whipped towards him, excitement plain on her face before she clumsily schooled it into a mask of indifference. “Ahem. That’s… great. I’m glad he does. If he asks, you can tell him the same is true for me.”

The gate opened up and they walked through. “So, hot party members aside, how are you liking the campaign?”

Powering through her blush, she replied, “I like it! It’s been a weird transition away from the games that I usually play, but its fun. There is a lot more interaction with you guys, which is great, and it’s also nice to be working together.”

“Since you get tired of curb stomping us at Ultimate Mecha Strike?”

“It does get pretty boring…” She glanced over to Nino and met his eyes. They both burst out laughing.

The main doors opened in front of them. A mop of blonde hair popped out from behind the comically large doors. Adrien grinned at them.

“Hey, guys! We’re waiting on Alya then?”

“Sounds like it, bro. How do you want us to wait? Foosball? Arcade games? Competitive rock climbing?” They filed in past Adrien. He closed the doors behind them. From his spot in the foyer, the Gorilla spared them a passing glance and a half-hearted growl.

“Actually…” Adrien rubbed the back of his neck. “I was hoping we could do some cooking?”

Nino shared a look with Marinette, but she only had eyes for Adrien. Eyes that were, at the moment, sparkling with unrestrained joy. He let out a long suffering sigh.

“Yeah, okay.” He finger gunned at Adrien. “You two start getting ready while I go set up in your room, ‘kay dudes?”

“That sounds awesome! See you there!”

Marinette flashed him a brief panicked look before Adrien snagged her wrist and rushed off into the kitchen. Nino gave an exaggerated wink in return. The door closed before he could see her reaction. Knowing he’d done Alya proud, he bounced up the stairs two at a time and slipped into Adrien’s room.

The process of setting up really wasn’t as intensive as he’d led his friends to believe. A grid unrolled onto the table, a DM screen set up, his dice laid out, and it was done. But the little ritual helped focus the party and gave him more time to get into the mindset of being the dungeon master. Or, in this case, let him lounge around for a little while to give Adrien and Marinette some alone time.

After a few more minutes had passed, Nino decided that he should probably go downstairs. No doubt, Marinette would appreciate the save. Whatever Alya thought, Nino was confident that just shoving them alone in a room for a while wouldn’t work. Just because their relationship started that way doesn’t mean it was foolproof.

Nino hesitated at the door when he heard laughing. An eyebrow raised - surely getting them to open up to each other hadn’t that easy? The door opened smoothly and Nino froze at the sight before him.

It would be an exaggeration to say that both of his friends were completely covered in flour, but it wouldn’t be a huge exaggeration. It had certainly covered most of their clothes… and their hair… some smudges on their faces… and streaks across the kitchen floor and counter. They at least had the presence of mind to look sheepish as they looked back at him. It was then that Nino noticed that in their clenched fists were clumps of flour. Suddenly it all clicked for him.

So he did the only thing that came to mind - he laughed.

“Seriously, dudes?”

“She started it!” Adrien said, pointing a powdery white finger towards Marinette.

“I- No! You popped up behind me and scared me into spilling flour on you.”

“Yes. A blatant act of war. So I responded in kind.”

“Y-you left a flour handprint on my shoulder...”

“Which was justice.”

“...So I did the same.”

“Which was too far.”

“And… well…” Marinette winced as she took in the room around them, ending with looking down at herself dejectedly. “...I don’t think I can play like this.”

Adrien shrugged. “You can borrow some of my clothes if you want. And we can wash your stuff while we play.”

“Now there’s an idea,” Nino said as he watched Marinette’s face turn beet red. That couldn’t be healthy. “Why don’t you two go figure that out while I sweep up the mess in here? If Nathalie sees this, I don’t think your old man will let us over any more.”

Adrien gulped. “You’ve got a point.” He turned towards Marinette. “Come on, I’m sure we can find something to fit you.”

Once the door closed behind them, Nino chuckled to himself. Those two were complete disasters.

-----------------------

An hour later and the four of them were assembled around Adrien’s bedroom table. Alya had raised an eyebrow at seeing Marinette in a pair of gym pants and a familiar black shirt, but surprisingly hadn’t commented on it.

Once he had their attention, Nino began to recap. “If you all remember, we had just gotten into the old mines when we were ambushed by a bunch of skeletons. Since the dead don’t just animate themselves, you can bet there’s some weirdo down here doing it.”

“Hopefully they haven’t had enough time to raise a bunch more than this,” Adrien said as he frowned at his character’s hit points.

“Then we’d better hurry up to make sure.” Alya rested her head in her hand. “Hey, babe. Can you give me a quick heal? I want to make sure I can still takes the hits for you softies.”

“‘Course, babe.”

A little healing all around and they were trudging through the darkness again. Taking the lesson from last session into account, Nino had thinned the numbers of skeletons around to just a couple here and there. It did wonders for making the party confident.

Confident enough that when they found a securely locked wooden door, their first instinct was to bash it down rather than listen carefully. Which meant that they walked right into a mechanical trap. Nothing special - just an arrow trap. But the health that it shaved off Alya’s knight was enough to make the following fight with the dark adept even more harrowing.

The battle went poorly at first, with Nino barely able to keep them up with his healing magics. Then, as always, things changed when Marinette came up with a plan.

“Wait! I’ve got it.” Marinette turned to Nino. “I need you to focus on killing the skeletons. We can’t hurt them, but you can.” She grabbed Alya’s arm. “You and me are charging straight towards the big baddie. He’s at least stab-able.”

“What about me?” Adrien tilted his head at Marinette.

Her eyes widened and a faint blush darkened her cheeks, but Nino was proud to see that she managed to reply to him. And with barely a stutter!

“Y-you’ll be keeping us going with your bard song while flanking the skeletons. And don’t you still have a couple healing songs?”

Adrien gasped. “I do!”

“Awesome! Let’s see if this works…”

The plan nearly failed from the start when Marinette’s rogue was knocked out from a random strike of the adept’s staff, but thankfully Adrien was there with a song on his lips. Nino wasn’t sure when it started, but his best friend had taken to belting out a few lines of a random song whenever he was doing bard magic. Unfortunately, the singing didn’t help this time when he managed to get Marinette up with only one hit point.

Despite that, they managed to pull off the plan. The undead and their master was defeated.

“As you bury your sword into the evil mage, he hisses at Alya, ‘My master will make you pay for this. And I will be waiting…,’ before collapsing into a heap of black robes and a rapidly growing pool of blood.” He took a bite out of a cookie they had made earlier. “Nice going, dudes. The mines are silent again. What do you do now?”

Marinette was glaring at the table. “I don’t like what he said about a master. Does he have a journal or something lying around?”

“Sure. It’s written in code though.”

“Dang, that’s actually a good idea,” Marinette muttered to herself. “Well, I guess we’ll take it with us. I’m sure we can figure it out eventually.”

After taking the time to thoroughly plunder the dungeon, they made their way back to the village.

“It’s night when you get back, so the village elder is sleeping. In the morning, she tells you that they are grateful for you help, but want you to stay in town for a week to be sure the raids have stopped. They’ll pay for your food and lodgings in the meantime.”

The party nodded as they absorbed this.

“So what are we going to do for a week then?”

“Are we in the tavern?” At Nino’s nod, Adrien rubbed his hands together. “Time for me to use that Charisma and make my bardic ancestors proud. I roll to seduce the barmaid!”

Alya caught his wrist before he rolled. “Wait, shouldn’t there be a little more roleplay to this?”

Nino’s eyes flickered to Adrien and he felt some heat rush to his cheeks. “Um… I’m not sure I’m super comfortable flirting with my best bro, babe. Especially with you here.”

“Don’t worry!” A predatory smirk found its way onto her face. “Marinette can do it!”

Poor Marinette had been in the middle of taking a drink when Alya said that, and nearly coughed up a lung because of it. After a few minutes, she was able to reply.

“But- but I- And he! H-how?”

Not coherently, but she did reply.

Alya slid up beside her and draped her arm over her friend’s shoulders. “Don’t worry, Adrien will take it easy on you.” She shot a wink at him as she withdrew from Marinette’s side. “Go get her, tiger.”

Adrien swallowed heavily. “So, um… hey?”

“Strong opening,” Nino muttered, which earned him a glare from his girlfriend.

Marinette nervously bunched edge of her borrowed shirt in her hands. “H-hey! Did you, um, want something to drink, or…?”

“No, I, uh, I wanted to ask you something…”

“Oh…?”

“So…” Adrien rubbed the back of his neck, face tomato red, refusing to look directly at Marinette, “I know this is, uh, pretty forward of me but… Ah… How about… you and me…?”

“Um… y-yes?”

“I…” Adrien wrung his hands together and somehow his blush became even redder, “Um… n-nevermind.” He hung his head and Nino patted his back.

“Good effort, bro.” Adrien gave him a weak smile. Taking in the expressions of his party - how Marinette and Adrien couldn’t meet each other’s eyes, how Alya was grinning - he decided that here was as good a place as any to end. “Right, so we’ll call it here, dudes.”

“I take it the week went by without anything happening?” Alya asked when it was clear the other two weren’t going to say anything.

“‘Course. They gave you your gold and some extra rations for the road as a bonus.” He started packing up. “I’ll send a message on the discord tomorrow about where you guys want to head next, so be thinking about that, alright?”

A few goodbyes later and Nino was on his way home. A smile slowly crept onto his face. It was a close call today, but they were shaping up to be true adventurers already.

[hymn2000]

Where The Darkness Ends - MCU AU fanfic - C8

Story summary: The concept of having a baby has been more of an idea for a long time now. Ideal candidates for a three-person baby, Loki and Tony have finally, after many Peter-based setbacks and challenges, got to the point of being tested. Now, they just have to wait for the results before they can move on to the next stage.

Previous Chapter(s): 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 

Part of my Frostiron and Spiderson series.

Warnings/themes: family stuff, mental health stuff, hurt/comfort, hospital/medical stuff, fertility stuff, IVF, potentially some medical inaccuracies, alcohol misuse

You can also find me on AO3

Chapter 8 - It's Hard To Feel What's In Your Head

-

Pepper forced more coffee into Loki and Tony, and a starchy meal, and then sent them to one of the spare rooms to ‘sleep it off’.

“Go! I’m sick of both of you” she said, only half joking. “Go to sleep”

Wisely, they did as they were told. Pepper waited until she heard a door close and then looked at the kitchen properly. It had been a challenge cooking in such a mess, and she hadn’t really found any proper food aside from the pasta she’d served. She looked at the empty bottles and cans littered about the place. It was a bit ridiculous, really - and scary. She really wished now that she’d been more insistent and come round to help them out earlier, even though they’d told her not to. She couldn’t help feeling just a tiny bit responsible for what had happened here.

Still, she shook her head and got to work. Just clearing the huge amount of alcohol containers (which took a good three bin bags) made the kitchen look a whole lot better. Well, the rubbish had to take priority, and Pepper had a feeling there would be more bottles and cans for her to discover.

-

As was usually the case, she was right: there were bottles and cans all over the place. Loki was usually so houseproud, keeping a good, tidy home, and this was so out of control, so absolutely opposite to the usual, that it made the desperation of the Stark’s mental state so much clearer - more so even than Loki’s cry for help.

-

It took a long time just to get rid of all of the rubbish and open the windows. It was clear very early on that this was not a one man job. Well, those two had to channel themselves into something. She knew what they were going through - heck, it had hurt her too. But Loki and Tony needed to step up. They weren’t going to get over the blow overnight, but they needed to pick themselves up, look after themselves, look after each other, and seek help. Proper help. Calling Pepper had been the first step - a big step, she knew that. Now they needed to sort their house out. And then they needed to talk. Properly. It was the only way they were going to come to terms with any of this.

-

Loki and Tony didn’t sleep for too long, and Pepper somehow managed to walk in just as they were waking up.

“How do you feel?” she asked.

“Slightly sober” Tony said, wrinkling his nose.

“Mm. And my head hurts” Loki said.

“I’m not surprised” Pepper said, opening the window as wide as it would go. “Right, we need to do something about this house. Get up”

“I said slightly sober” Tony scowled.

“That’s good enough. Nothing like a bit of hard labour to sort your heads out. Come on; there’s loads of work to do. This place is a mess. Now get up”

Loki sighed and hauled himself out of bed. Tony did too, but he didn’t look happy.

“Ok. I’ll do the kitchen and bedrooms” Pepper said. “I definitely don’t trust you anywhere near knives and glasses right now. Tony, start with your study and work your way round from there. Loki, start on the landing and work your way from there. We’ll meet in the middle some time and then tackle the downstairs together”

Tony stared at her. She smiled slightly, twirled the cleaning keys on her finger, and then threw them to Loki, who caught them easily enough.

“It’s open, but you should keep hold of those. So” she stood to the side of the doorway, nodding out to the landing. “Get busy”

-

Pepper set FRIDAY back up, and put the stereos and radios on, bringing a bit of life to the dirty depressing house. That, and the open windows blowing in cold air, certainly helped. Tony grumbled like anything at first - Pepper could hear him from down the hall - but after a while he went quiet, focusing on his work. Loki was quiet all the while, but he worked diligently, and Pepper fancied she could see a change in him after the first hour. It looked as though keeping busy was helping.

-

Pepper had given herself a tough job, as the kitchen was in a dreadful state state. That took the longest, a good 90 minutes from washing up at the start to sweeping and mopping the floor at the end. From there she had the bedrooms. Loki’s room was in a much better state than Pepper had expected, which was a relief. It was just a shame she couldn’t say the same for Tony’s room. She dreaded to think what his study and the lab were going to be like. She did their rooms, and then checked all the spare rooms, straightening out the room Loki and Tony had slept in. She went and checked Peter’s room. Aside from the spare rooms, it was definitely the cleanest place in the whole house as far as she’d seen. It just looked the same as it usually did, only a bit dusty and with some things out of place. She gave it a quick going over anyway, and then went and took the mountain of dirty washing down to the laundry room.

The laundry room certainly hadn’t been used any time in the past month. Well, thank god for the two washers and dryers, she thought, putting a couple of loads in. This was going to take a hell of a long time.

-

Eventually it did start to look like they’d made some sort of progress. Once the upstairs was finally done, right down to the windows being cleaned and the skirting boards being wiped clean, they went downstairs. The lab hadn’t been used, which was a huge worry considering how Tony usually reacted in times of crisis, but at least it meant giving it a clean wasn’t too much of a struggle. The swimming pool was maintained by an outside source, so they didn’t need to worry about that. Pepper set the two of them to work on the little side stores and the main lobby and stairs while she sat and sifted through the post, separating the junk mail from the actual mail, sorting it into recipient piles and sub-piles, from important to less important to not important. She set it all carefully on the little round table in the entrance, deciding there was nothing that couldn’t wait until tomorrow. After all, some of those letters had waited a month already.

-

It was dark by the time they’d finished. Pepper told them to go and shower and get changed, and once they had done so, they all three flopped on the sofa in the living room. It felt a little strange seeing everything so clean and orderly again after so long.

“How do you feel now?” Pepper asked after a few minutes.

“Sober” Tony said, and Loki nodded in agreement.

“You nearly look it. I know you’ve been drunk for a while now. We need to be a bit carefully, especially with you, Tony. I’m going to stay for a while” she said. “I’ll help you, both of you. We’ll get you better”

“What’s the point?”

“You’ve got a life to be getting on with. And you’ve got a son, who I daresay is going to really be missing you. We’ll get you well enough to go and see him. We’ll work on the rest as best we can”

“How have you done it?” Tony almost snapped. “You were cut up about it when you found out too”

“Yes, I was. I still am” Pepper said. “It’s a bit different for me though... I was just a bit more proactive, seeing that therapist, talking to people, friends, family. Keeping myself busy. I knew I should have seen you earlier. I didn’t realise how bad things were when you stopped replying to my messages and ignoring my calls”

“I don’t think he realised either” Loki said. “I think... When I went the same way, I knew how dire things were, but it didn’t hurt so much when I was drunk. So I just ignored it”

Pepper sighed sadly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you earlier. We need to sort you out. I’m going to cook, and tomorrow we’re all going to see a therapist”

“I don’t want to see a therapist!” Tony snapped.

“You need to!” Pepper snapped. “Look at the state you got yourselves into! Thank god you had to sense to send Peter to his uncle’s”

“I sent him to get him away from Loki”

Loki and Pepper stared at him.

“...What?”

“You heard me” Tony scowled at her. “I thought Loki was gonna hurt him, like in all those case studies online where people have lost kids and taken it out on their other ones”

“What?! Tony, how could you think so lowly of me?” Loki stared at him, tears filling his eyes. “How could you think-”

“I didn’t want to think it!” Tony interrupted. “I just did, and I tried to shake the thoughts, and then you shoved him, and even though you hugged him straight away afterwards, you still hurt him! You made him squeak! And I was scared, Loki. I was really scared. I knew I wouldn’t be able to look after both of you, and if you started hurting him, I just- I’m sorry, but I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t take that risk!”

“It’s just as well” Pepper said. “He needs to be out of the way while you two are as low as this. Loki, don’t look so defensive. Tony, it’s ok. You just did what you thought was best”

Loki went quiet. He didn’t know what to say. He turned away from Tony.

“...I let him down. I was gonna take him out. I slept through it, and then I kept meaning to go, but every night I just couldn’t” Tony said thickly. “And then I stopped thinking about it. Even though he keeps calling and texting”

“That’s something you need to make amends for at a later date. We need to sort out the here and now first” Pepper said.

“My retest came back the same” Loki said. “I’ve got another one in a couple of weeks. It’ll be the same though, I know that already”

“Loki, darling” Pepper sighed. “I can only imagine how this feels for you, if it feels like this for me, and if it’s done this to you two. But you can get help. There’s options”

“It was always going to be the three person way” Tony said. “That way it would’ve been both of ours”

“...We’re not having a baby” Loki closed his eyes and rested his forehead in his hand. “I can’t have children”

“No, you can’t. Not like that” Pepper said. “And it’s horrible, but you can’t change that. But you’ll come to terms with it”

“There’s no help for people like me” Loki said. “Even people at work know that. There’s no infertility support for men, not really. They just shove adoption and sperm donation suggestions at you”

“You’ve already done one of those things” Pepper pointed out.

“It’s not the same”

“No, it’s not” she said. “But it’s something to consider. You’ve got a kid. You might not have made him, but you’ve got him, and he’s yours. Undeniably yours. Maybe... a baby-”

“No” Loki said. “We were going to make one. I’m not adopting a baby. I want my own baby���

“Loki, that’s impossible now, you know that” Tony said.

“I know” Loki sighed. “But it’s still what I want”

There was a small silence. Pepper checked her watch and sighed.

“I think it’s time we all called it a night. We’ve got to get up in the morning”

“I don’t want to go to that therapist” Tony spat.

“Tough” Pepper said. “You’re going. Now go to bed”

-

Two days later, there was a knock at Thor’s front door. Peter stayed where he was, settled on the sofa in the living room with his book. He heard all the muffled voices, sounding quite heated, and then he heard Thor calling his name. Cautiously, he made his way to the kitchen - and froze.

“Oh...”

He glanced at Pepper, and looked at his parents. He’d spent so long willing them to show up, wishing to see them, but now that they were here, he suddenly wished they were anywhere else. Suddenly he didn’t want to see them, or be near them. He felt weird - nervous, almost scared. His heart was thudding in his chest, and he suddenly felt cold.

“Hey sweetheart!” Tony said, smiling at him. “How are you doing? Thor looking after you ok? It’s so good to see you! I’ve missed you, kiddo”

Peter didn’t say anything. He felt sick. He hurried over to Thor’s side, keeping a good distance between him and his parents, trying not to look at them.

“Do you want a drink?” Thor said gently, stroking the boys hair gently.

He went over to the fridge and got out a bottle of pop, which he handed to Peter. Peter took it, holding it in both hands. He felt sick, and his eyes had started to fill with tears.

“What’s up, kiddo?” Tony said, concerned. “You feeling poorly? Hey, come and give me a hug. A little cuddle will help you feel better. Come on, chick, come here”

Peter didn’t. He looked at Thor for help. Thor squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

“Why don’t you go back to your room for a bit?” he said.

Peter nodded, grateful for this excuse to leave, and made for the door.

“Hey!” Tony made a grab for him.

Peter dodged, and Thor caught hold of Tony to stop a second attempt, letting Peter escape.

“Leave him alone”

“He’s my son! I just wanna give him a cuddle”

“Well, he doesn’t want you! You’ve had every opportunity to see him, but instead you cut him off for no reason. You’ve got no right to barge in here after not seeing or contacting us for weeks”

“That doesn’t mean he’s not my son! You can’t just stop me from seeing him”

“I’m not: he is. He doesn’t want to be near you, that much is clear. And I can’t blame him. You broke his little heart, abandoning him like that”

Tony pulled free from Thor, and sat back down heavily. Thor looked at him. He looked at Loki, and then at Pepper.

“I take it you’re the reason they’re here now?”

“Well, essentially, yes” Pepper said awkwardly.

“Well done” Thor said. He looked between Loki and Tony. “What was it? Was it alcohol?”

They paused, looking uncomfortable, and then Loki nodded.

“A part of it...” he said.

“A large part?” Thor pressed.

Loki looked at Tony, and had to nod.

“You don’t get to judge” Tony said crossly. “You don’t know what this is like for us”

“No, I don’t” Thor said. “But while you’ve been drowning your sorrows and wallowing in self pity, I’ve been looking after your little boy. Single-handedly, might I add, and in difficult circumstances where I couldn’t even get in touch with his parents when I needed help, and sorting some of these problems hasn’t been an easy feat. I know what happened was awful, but you should’ve done better by him. He needed you, and you weren’t there”

For a while no one knew what to say.

“I tried at first” Loki said eventually, keeping his eyes cast down. “But the way Tony was got to me. And then it just felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere the way I was doing things. So it was easier just to join in...”

“You should have called me, called someone. You should have reached out!”

“I did...”

“No you didn’t, otherwise we wouldn’t be in this mess”

“He rang me” Pepper said. “A few days ago. He knew he needed help; he admitted it”

Thor sighed, covering his eyes for a moment. “Well, they’re here now, and I suppose that’s progress”

“It is. You didn’t see the state of them and the house when I turned up. This is a huge turn around”

There was another short silence.

“...I can appreciate that, and everything you’ve done” Thor said. “And I’m proud. But there’s still a lot of work to do”

Everyone else nodded. They all knew Thor was right.

“You’ll get there, with the right support” Pepper said. “You need to let us help you”

Tony and Loki nodded slightly. Tony sighed and stood up.

“I want to see my son”

“No” Thor said firmly. “Leave him alone. He’s got enough to contend with without you going in and upsetting him. You can see him when he decides he’s ready”

Well, Tony didn’t like that. He exploded, and Thor shouted back. Loki tried to calm them at first, but then the tension turned onto him, and it wasn’t long before all three men were shouting back and forth between themselves. Pepper watched them for a while. She knew there was no point interrupting or trying to get them to stop, so she slipped out of the kitchen.

-

Peter pushed his headphones back off his ears so they were round his neck. He looked up at Pepper.

“Hi, kid” she said gently. “Mind if I join you?”

Peter nodded, turning his music player off. Pepper closed the door and went and sat down beside him on the bed.

“You’re not here to try to get me to go and talk to my dads, are you?”

“No” Pepper said. “I’m not surprised that you don’t want to see them”

Peter nodded. “Why didn’t dad come to see me? He promised he would. And then he blanked all my calls and texts and stuff”

“They both spiralled and went to a pretty dark place. You don’t need to know the details. But they’re getting better. They’ve made the first few steps anyway, and they’re working on it. They’ll visit now. You won’t have to see them if you don’t want to, but they’ll still visit”

“Mm...” Peter went quiet, listening to the sounds of the men shouting in the other room. “It’s weird hearing uncle Thor so angry and shouty and stuff. He’s not really that kind of person. Not with me, anyway”

“Has he been looking after you well? I’ve been a bit worried about you, especially since I found out how bad things were with your dads”

“Yeah, he’s been really good. He’s always so kind and understanding and stuff, even when I’m being kinda difficult. He doesn’t really get cross and he never shouts or smacks me, so that’s good, I guess... He’s been trying to help me with my school work too, even though he doesn’t really understand a bunch of it. He’s really bad at geography, but at least there’s google and textbooks and stuff to help”

“Tony said you’re off school at the moment”

Peter nodded. “I still get all the work sent to me, and then I do it and send it back, and then they send it back to me when it’s been marked. And I can email some of my teachers if I need help”

“How are you finding that?”

Peter shrugged. “Ok, I guess. I mean, it’s a little hard to concentrate sometimes, and they don’t really send enough to occupy me for like, a full week, so it’s easy to get bored too. I’m still getting decent grades but... Well, you know. I’m still sad and stuff”

“I know” Pepper looked at him. “Have you been getting out much?”

Peter nodded. “We at least go on a walk every day, even when I have a tantrum about it. Uncle Thor keeps taking me to museums and out to the cinema and on like, bus rides and train journeys and stuff. Or just like, takes me to the shops or out for lunch and stuff. He said daddy was really bad when he lived here ‘cos he didn’t get to go out much and he got bored and frustrated, and I guess he wants to stop me from kicking off and stuff”

“Well, that’s good, and that makes sense. Is it working?”

“Kinda. I still kick off sometimes. I’ve got a lot of stuff to deal with”

“I know” Pepper put an arm round Peter. “You’re a good kid. I’m glad you’re being looked after properly and you’re keeping up with your school work. I’ll come and see you too, if you like”

Peter nodded. “That’d be nice”

“Have you been seeing your friends at all?”

Peter shook his head. “It’s a bit awkward right now, y’know. They’re all at school and it’s all ok for them, and I’m here just... It’s still weird to think about it. Don’t you think? I mean, well, you’d be pregnant by now if things had gone the way they should’ve done”

“Yes, I know. It is strange to think about it. I’d been preparing for it too. I had so much in place. It’s a horrible situation, poor Loki’s condition, but I’m starting to come to terms with it, and your parents will come to terms with it too. They’ve still got you to think about, regardless of the whole IVF situation”

“They haven’t been thinking about me so far” Peter said bitterly. “Daddy hasn’t seen me or spoke to me or anything at all, not since the day dad dropped me off here. And dad buggered off and stopped getting involved soon after that anyway. They haven’t thought about me at all the past however many weeks”

“They still love you, kiddo”

“You don’t know that”

“Yes I do”

Peter didn’t look convinced. He put his headphones back on. Pepper noticed he didn’t turn the music on, but she got the message. She gave him a squeeze and stood up.

“No one is going to force you to do anything. Take care, Peter. I’ll see you again soon. You’ve got my number if you need me”

-

The men had finally stopped shouting when Pepper got back to the kitchen. They were glaring at each other, breathing heavily.

“Finished?” Pepper said, raising an eyebrow pointedly at them.

They nodded, and Thor sighed.

“I stand by what I said” Thor said. “You stay away from him”

“He’s my son!” Tony shouted.

“Will you stop?!” Pepper snapped. “Can’t you at least try to discuss this in a civil manner?”

“What is there to discuss?” Tony scowled. “I can see my son if I want to”

“He doesn’t want to see you. I think you should keep visiting, but don’t force yourself on the poor kid. He’s got every right to be angry with you”

“This is a waste of time” Tony said. “Let’s just go home. I’m gonna go and say goodnight to my son”

Loki grabbed his hand. “Don’t. Leave him alone”

Tony pulled his hand away and stormed out of the room. They all froze, and then heard the front door go. They all breathed out, relieved he hadn’t gone to Peter.

“We should go” Loki said.

Thor nodded and pulled him close. “Stay in touch this time”

Loki nodded slightly and pulled away. He looked at Pepper. Pepper looked at Thor.

“Sorry for springing on you like this”

“No, it’s ok. Thanks for giving these two a kick” Thor said. “Maybe see you again some time”

“Sure” Pepper said. “Goodbye”

-

Thor knocked on Peter’s door and opened it.

“They’re gone”

Peter nodded. “I know”

“Is there anything playing through those headphones?”

Peter shook his head. Thor closed the door and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Are you ok?”

Peter shrugged. “I thought I’d be excited to see them again. Happy”

“But instead?”

“I don’t know. I just felt all weird and scared and angry. I know they’re all kinda upset and hurting and stuff but they still abandoned me”

“What do you want to do now?”

Peter swallowed. “...Can we order a takeaway?”

Thor took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Peter. Peter smiled slightly and leant into Thor as he opened a takeaway app. Thor gently took Peter’s headphones off and moved them aside.

“That’s better” he said softly.

Peter made a vague noise of agreement, scrolling through some menus. Thor rested a hand on Peter’s head.

“It’ll be ok” Thor said. “You don’t have to see them until you’re ready”

Peter nodded slightly. “Thanks... Have you ever thought about having kids?”

Thor paused. “I’ve never really been in the right situation to consider it. Why?”

“You’d make a good dad. You’re good at looking after me”

“Well, thank you” Thor said. “I’m trying to do my best by you. I love you, little nephew Peter”

“I love you too, big uncle Thor”

Thor smiled. “Good. Now, what are we having to eat?”

-

Pepper made Tony help with the tea.

“You two were ridiculous today” Pepper said. “Loki, you barely said a word. And Tony, you said way too much. Actually, you didn’t speak; you shouted. A lot. No wonder the poor kid holed up in his room! You made Thor worse too. As if he wasn��t angry enough already, all that stuff you shouted at him. Listen, you’ve both done really well these last few days, and I’m proud of you, but today you really showcased how much more work you’ve got to do”

Loki stayed quiet, and for a moment, Tony did too.

“It’s only been a few days” he said. “It wasn’t easy for us either, we all know that. You saw the look on Peter’s face. How do you think that made me feel?”

“I know, but-”

“I’ve got enough going on without losing my little boy. Thor might be looking after him, but he’s got no rights here. He can’t keep him forever, and he can’t stop me seeing him”

“He’ll try though” Loki said.

Tony looked at him. “That kid has been my little boy for way too long for me to give him up or go down without a major fight. Thor can’t take him from me. I trusted him to look after him, but he’s still my son. I’m definitely not letting anyone get in the way of that. Even if the IVF fell through, I’m still a dad”

“Well then you need to work on getting better so you can keep being a dad. You’re good dads, both of you” Pepper said. “But you’re not in the right position to do your best by your kid right now”

“More therapy sessions and things like that” Loki said. “And we need to get in touch with Li Allen”

“Do that soon” Pepper said. “She’ll be able to help you better than I can. I love both of you so much, but there’s only so much I can do. I’m not a professional”

“We’ll sort it” Loki said. “I need to get back to work”

“You need to think about yourself first” Pepper said. “You can’t look after anyone else until you look after yourself”

*

[redqueenmusings]

For the past few weeks, I’ve had lots of things on my mind which seem to be taking up every waking and often sleeping hour, it’s what happens when you take on a dog with a totally unknown background.

Although we have had numerous dogs in the past 50 years this is a new experience because although like Lili they had all been rescues, they had all been sweet-tempered.

I was contacted by Karen the lady who looked after Caña and Marti when we went on holiday. She asked if we knew anyone who might foster a little dog from K9. As it happened both Jim and I were feeling that even when our old girls did nothing but sleep, the house felt complete, these days it was empty and sad. Only someone who is used to having animals will know what I mean. Anyway, we said ‘No Promises’ but bring her round.

Sunday afternoon Sheba arrived and was cute, cuddled and snuggled and when the time came for Karen and Dave to leave we were sure we had a perfect match. She did snap once but we may have surprised her, touched somewhere she didn’t like or any number of things as we were all strangers.

That night, having no dog food I cooked some mince. She looked at it, turned up her nose and walked away. After a while, I went to pick up the bowl and she growled and snapped. Hmm! food possessive OK we can handle that.

Following a short walk before bed, which she enjoyed, we invited her upstairs which she obviously wasn’t used to. In the end, she decided being near us might be OK and slept on a pillow at the side of our bed. She didn’t move all night, (I know because I checked her half a dozen times).

Next morning all hell let loose. She was surprised at being upstairs and thought she was in trouble so hid under the bed letting us know she was angry and wouldn’t come out. We ignored her and after an hour or so she very slowly came down. Following a walkies, she seemed happy to be back home and cuddled on the sofa.

It was starting to get a bit stressful not knowing what to expect from one moment to the next. When she is nice she is lovely, but many times she pulls her ears back, gets a look in her eyes and you can tell she wants to bite, even if being offered a treat.

One occasion while having a cuddle she let me brush her. As she keeps scratching I thought she may have fleas so out came the Advocate. I very surreptitiously opened it and tried to pop some on the back of her neck. In the process, I nearly lost my hand. She was not at all impressed and it took a few hours before we could get the rest of the application on. All a waste of time as it was sitting on top of the hair rather than reaching her skin.

Another dinner time came and went with lots of aggression and no food eaten.

Bedtime and she wouldn’t come upstairs and wouldn’t go out for a pee, so did it in the living room and expected to be in trouble. Not a problem, we had had a routine with Caña who due to her age we always picked up the rug before bed. When I got up I mopped the floor, said good morning, opened the door then gave her a couple of chewies. She looked at them suspiciously and ate as she must be starving.

At this point, we decided to give her space to come round at her own pace. She must be very confused as to where she is now living (home number 3). She is frightened of most things particularly the fly swat and the sweeping brush so for the time being my living room is covered in a layer of hair.

We were getting through most days with just growls and only a little drop of blood spilt as she has taken to squeezing into a tiny space under a side table beside the sofa. It must feel safe as she is surrounded on 3 sides and can only be seen from the front. At teatime, she had two or three mouthfuls of dinner then back to her shelter under the table but it was a little step forward.

Another morning another pee – I got up at 6.00am to see how she was and she cowered on the sofa. I wished her good morning and mopped the floor. I went to get dressed, she followed I had a cuddle and also a nip as I offered her some breakfast.

The end of week one and we knew we want to keep her but she needs to learn she can trust us and she doesn’t know how to behave like a lady. When our vet opened I phoned and she said we needed professional help, so we went to see a dog therapist late Wednesday. It’s a bit like toothache, it hurts like hell until you get to the dentist and then all the pain disappears. The same with Sheba she walked into the vet’s, Gonzo stroked her, sat with her as did Florence the vet and she couldn’t have been more perfect.

She was actually frightened of the surroundings and didn’t know what to expect, but had already got Jim and me sussed as being too ‘soft’. The suspicion is somewhere in her past she hasn’t been well treated and had to be aggressive to get what she wants. The resolution is to start from scratch, change her name, (so now Lili), change her habits and everything she­ associates with her past. That night, following the new rule of keeping her on a lead when we offer her dinner on the 3rd attempt she ate and we weren’t bitten. Next morning she got back under the bed and stayed there until 4.00pm. No food, no water, no pees. We kept checking she was OK and in the end, she gave in, wandered down, had a big drink, a nice walk and a little bit of freshly cooked chicken.

The doggy therapist couldn’t come until Sunday evening as he needed a translator. He arrived at 6.00pm after getting lost and ending up at Jungle Park and stayed until 9.00pm. He started as soon as he arrived by taking her lead and not letting her in before he had entered. Once inside she could then come in. She has to learn that humans come first and she comes second. We now do this and it works a treat, no more tripping over her as she gets between your feet. We have sorted the food issue and most times she realises it is hers and nobody wants to steal it, so far less aggression although that all went to pot when she decided she wanted a large box of tasty chocolates and sat on top of it. It took me until 5.30am but in the end, I finally got them back although I didn’t much feel like the boss just knackered!

We are now just moving into week 3 we have the odd lapse but every day is a step forward. Yesterday we had our first haircut and look a lot better. She can be a lovely little girl who needs to realise she is wanted, so although it is a slow journey we will keep at it because if we were to give up on her she would go back in kennels and would probably spend the rest of her life there.

Check Queenie’s Daily Snippets for Tenerife news & events

Learning to live with Lili For the past few weeks, I've had lots of things on my mind which seem to be taking up every waking and often sleeping hour, it’s what happens when you take on a dog with a totally unknown background.

[fourkidsvsme-blog]

The Pressure Is On

Being a mother is hard. Being a woman, itself is hard. We have so much pressure from everyone to be perfect or at lease try to be. As for me after having my fourth baby the pressure is on. Some people might judge and ask themselves why I even bother to get pregnant for the fourth time and to be honest even I questioned myself. Truth is I wanted to have my baby I wanted to give my husband the chance to have a son and I am glad we finally had a son because I don’t think I would have tried for a fifth time. I remember people saying, “Omg your pregnant again?” with a face that expressed their concern as if they were going to give birth to the baby or as if they were going to pay for the babies pampers and necessities. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until after my first trimester. Once I found I couldn’t sleep. I believe it was all in my head. I started to get more and more sleepy and craving stuff. Well at lease give in to the “cravings”. I had honestly forgotten what it was like to be pregnant. My feet started hurting and getting swollen very quickly which was very annoying. Before this pregnancy I had lost 30 lbs which I was so proud. I worked hard in the gym and with eating healthy. So when I started to gain weight after the 4th month my feelings were very twisted. I was happy that I was giving my husband a son and that I was giving my daughters and son a little brother but I was also very concern about how much weight I was going to gain. Weight gain should not be a concern for a pregnant women but when you have my body type and when you are self conscience as I am weight gain is definitely a concern. I really didn’t give in too much or at lease try to show it. As I came to my 3rd trimester I knew I could help but to gain weight. However I loved my baby bump. This pregnancy’s baby bump was not like the ones I had before. This one was big but was not as wide as my belly with my daughters. I was happy with that. I took my pregnancy photos which I think I looked bombed in. I took it to show off how happy I was with my belly bump even dough I was worried inside about my post baby body. Sometimes I would tell my husband or express how fat I would feel and his response was “You have a long way to go to go back to your pre baby body.” which I knew and agreed. I gained a total of 35lbs in this pregnancy and by my last month I was ready to pop since my lower back was hurting and my feet were always swollen. I was excited to have my son don’t get me wrong . I was excited to meet him and to hold my newborn. I was also nervous to find out how much weight I was going to loose during labor and how much more during the weeks after. Once I gave birth and was able to hold my son all worry about myself was gone. Everything was worth it as long as my son was healthy. Fast-forward to today, me at 2 weeks and 5 days post-partum have only lost 15 lbs since birth. After birth in our Hispanic tradition the women are not allowed to do anything for the 6 weeks post-partum period. They are told to always cover their ears not wear flip flops, get near a stove, sweep or mop or leave the house. Yeah tell that to a mother who has 4 kids. Once again don’t get me wrong my husband helps me a lot. More than average husbands but he still has to work and I still have to maintain this household. I was out for the doctor after a week and to purchase groceries the week after. I was sweeping and moping every other day so that my kids wouldn’t end up with black socks. I was also trying to cook since we were not that financially stable to be able to purchase food every night for dinner. I know at this point you are thinking the same thing other people were thinking when I told them I was pregnant “Why did you get pregnant again?”. Truth is I still don’t know but I am glad I did. I don’t think I had a good recovery period. At lease one that I deserve. I don’t blame no one. Its really no ones fault. Is hard to maintain a house hold of 6 people. I knew it was going to be easy but how I wish I would have emotionally prepared myself for all the changes. There a lot of pressure that I feel being a new mother. I have to make sure that my older kids don’t feel left out at any time. Made sure that they know because I had a baby doesn’t mean that they can slack on their discipline or their house chores. Which I don’t want to place too much on their plates but I have read that them doing chores actually helps them to be more responsible adults. Win win for me.  I have to be able to be there for 24 hours bottle and bottom service for my baby. And yes bottle service because I am not able to feed my son breast milk for a couple of reasons. One since i started I have only been able to pump 1oz from both breast every 2 hours. Talk about a supply and demand problem. I am not able to place my son since I have flat nipples and yes I know theirs nipple shields but he didn’t not like that and to be honest I was not going to force it since I have tried to for my last 3 kids. I decided to go with pumping and then bottle feeding which is currently not working for me. 1oz is not enough so I decided to do research and bought Fenugreek supplements and made sure I was always hydrated. Did not work. I also askes my husbands family since in their country the elders make a lot of home recipes to increase milk supply and they advise to drink at least one cup of hot cocoa a night. Didn’t work. At this point I am done trying. I am done stressing over not producing enough. I was also told that breastfeeding helps you loose weight by burning calories. I was excited about that but it all went down the drain once I was not going to put my sane on the line in order to breastfeed my son. I know he will turn out fine since my other kids did to. Know I have to prepare for the judgmental moms criticism when I tell them I no longer breatfeed but you know what? They were not there when both my son and I were crying with frustration and when I was crying alone stressed and feeling like a looser for not being able to breastfeed. As of today I have not hear one mother say “It’s ok if you are not able to breastfeed”. Loosing weight by breastfeeding is now out of the question. I was also bought a girdle since all new moms wear in order to tighten the stomach and loose the belly fat. Also a fail since I believe I bout it the wrong size plus it only tightens the upper part of my stomach and I need extra help with my lower abdomen which is now a pouch. I have been thinking about buying a good one which is highly expensive but who knows it might be worth it. Post partum period is only 6 weeks but I know for my husband it feels like way longer. I was not really sectually active during my pregnancy due to very dry vagina and painfull sex. So I know him and I are very excited to get this long 6 weeks over with. However there another issue with this. I don’t know how I am going to react once we are in action and he starts to notice that I have about 25 lbs more than before. Which if I really think about it its crazy since I weighted 216 lbs when we got married. I think I might be over reacting but I cant help it. Now that I think about when I weighted 216 lbs I was not really depressed about it but the fact that I lost the weight and I worked to hard to loose and gained it all back (with a baby as a benefit of course) kind of gets me depressed. I think about all the possibilities about how any other women who is not able to have babies wouldn’t care to gain all this weight in order to have a baby but as I said I cant help it. I feel pressure to have to “bring sexy back” to my husband but how can I satisfy him when I myself am not satisfied with myself. I feel like I cannot express love to him since I at this point am not in love with myself. I have cried about this but I know sometimes feel so stupid because I know its normal I can expect to jump back to pre baby body in one month but the pressure is on.  I have seen how many women jump immediately back and think how I wish I was them. How I wish my metabolism was different. How I wish my genes were different. I am excited to start working out and to start some sort of meal plan for weight loss but im nervous that I wont see results as fast as I would like. One of my goals for 2018 was to be able to run a marathon. Well maybe walk and finish a marathon. I need a motivation in order to start this long pre baby journey. Is not going to be easy but I know I cant make it with the help of my support system which is my family.

[deutsche-seehund]

06 May 2017          

0430: 05deg 20.54m N    098deg 06.36m E

Time retardation: 1 hour

2000: 05deg 54.7m N      094deg 49.4m E

Here I am, sitting in my cabin after what seemed like the longest bridge watch ever.

Anyway, as usual I was trying my hardest to wake up in time for the watch in the morning. Turns out this time I was late by about 15 mins. Reported to bridge at 0415. Didn't feel as tired this time but that was only for the first part. Bridge watch was the usual, nothing interesting really happened then. And as usual again at 0700 I started the routine to sweep and mop the bridge.

Looks like my gamble paid off. The previous cadet left his safety shoes behind so now i can use the new safety shoes for the bridge and the old ones for deck work when needed. What a break of relief for me. Ended the watch at 0800, and was to report to ship's office at 0900 as usual. Had breakfast in the duty mess room and went to my cabin for a short while.

At 0845 i started to head downwards to the ships office. Chief told me that we would be going out to the deck with the bosun so I went to put on my safety shoes in the changing room. But lo and behold when i was done, chief was nowhere to be found. I walked onto the deck in hopes of seeing chief walking outside, but to no avail. Went down to the port and starboard sides to look towards the foreward end but i still didnt see him. I made the decision to walk down the starboard side deck first in hopes of finding chief somewhere along the way. I made it to the bosun store, which is located at the foreward end, below the forecastle, and peered inside, hoping i could find chief. When i didnt see him i thought maybe he was on the forecastle instead and walked up onto it. But of course i didnt see him there as well. So i walked all the way back to the aft end of the deck and decided that i would walk down the port side deck in hopes of finding him. And i walked and ended up at the bosun store again (bosun store has two entry points, one port and one starboard, they are 'connected' at the bow), and this time i decided i would go up on to the forecastle first before going into the bosun store. Chief wasnt on the forecastle, and i took the time since i was there to peek over the side(bow) of the ship. Seeing the bulbous bow breaking the steady blue water was something to see for sure. Thats where i also realised how blue the sea was. But then again we still werent actually out in the open sea. The northern part of sumatra was to our port side and we could still see the coastline on the horizon.

Anyway climbed back down the stairs to the bosun store and walked inside, making sure not to touch anything lest something happened. Walked through it without seeing chief at all and decided to go back to the ships office. And when i actually reached the ships office, he was inside on the computer already.

He asked me where i was, and i said that i was looking for you after getting on my safety shoes.

Chief told me that he works fast and he needed to show bosun what to do, as there was still plenty to do after taking over from the previous chief officer.

Now is when i decide that i am goddamn tired and started to fall asleep again. When working in the ships office. I think that the moment i sit down i can feel the tiredness creep in.

Fast forward to about 1130/1200 or something ( i cant remember it was a bit of a daze)

I was told that i could go for lunch, and i had to bring some of the remaining paperwork that was supposed to have actually been done before we departed singapore. So basically from 0900 to 1130, it was me partially falling asleep at the table and also partially running around looking for people to sign the forms.

After lunch, i spoke with the 3rd engineer for a bit. He's a nice guy, from india but he apparently studied for a bit in SP. He said he's been sailing since 2012 november. So by the time we sign off together, he'd have completed 5 years at sea. I also finished my last cigarrete at lunch. Which made me panic a little, then i remembered that we loaded provisions and some of it was in the bonded store. i.e. Alcohol, drinks, water and most importantly, cigarettes. Though im actually quite sad they dont stock up on menthol cigarettes or gudang. Hahaha. Anyway i found out that apparently as a cadet i might not actually be able to purchase cigarettes. What. Are you kidding me.

3rd Engineer was nice enough to give me 5 packs of benson and hedges, which ironically, depending on how you see it, was what my father smoked before he quit long time ago. Full circle? Anyway have to get used to smoking reds now. :/

I didn't actually realise the time retardation of one hour happened, and i reported to the bridge for the evening watch apparently a full one hour and fifteen minutes too early. I was a bit bamboozled at this point because I was sleeping from lunch onwards hahahaha.

So i spent the next 45 mins screwing around in bunk with my phone, trying to figure out how to set the time. Hopefully i got it right now and my alarms go off later.

Today i actually managed to see the sun set. Though it was overcast, it kind of made it nicer to look at. The bright orange sun hiding behind the clouds, casting a orange to pinkish hue over the clouds and horizon. And then when it finally set, the stars and moon were out. The moon wasnt covered by clouds, and actually was reflecting so much light i had a shadow from the moonlight.

I could get used to it. The solitude, the quietness. The beauty of the setting and rising sun, the stars shining in their place. The moon, giving off its bright night light.

Today, i felt like i couldnt do it. I felt that i cant handle all the things im meant to be doing. I realised i might not be so cut out for this afterall. In terms of the work expected of me. Its just the 3rd day i spent doing actual things. Hopefully i can overcome this in due time.

Sidenote; what if after coc 3 i reapply to the navy? If i can actually get coc 3 that is.

[grownupthinking-blog]

Perspective

PERCEPTION

 AKA - seeing the man behind the curtain and still thinking he’s a wizard.

 Sometimes growing up makes you realize a lot of things you took for granted when you were younger. Your parents aren’t always right about everything, food doesn’t just magically appear in your fridge, or the Santa at the mall isn’t the real Santa (spoilers, I know). But then there are other things that you just have to learn as you go, like car insurance sucks, health insurance (I’m American) REALLY sucks, and buying property doesn’t always mean cheaper month to month bills. You have to do your dishes. You have to scrub out the tub and toilet. You are the one who has to vacuum, sweep, mop and take out the trash all the time. There isn’t anyone there to catch you if you fall. You need to make your own doctors appointments. You need a job, that you may or may not like. It’s all part of growing up and it’s all what shapes us into the people we are.

 Growing up, your parents/guardians instill in you values and beliefs that you just assume are universal truths. “Everyone eats dinner at 6pm” “Thursdays are always burger nights” “Clear your plate when you’re done eating.” (Forgive me, I’m a chef by trade, so food is my metaphor or choice). It isn’t until you get away from them and live for a bit that you see how the rest of the world lives. Not even class differences, but much smaller than that – going to a friends house and seeing what they eat for dinner, how they arrange the furniture in their living room or even which parent does which tasks. IT’s one of those eye-opening experiences that makes tou think about the way things are and how they potentially could be – it makes you ask, “Why?”

 And that’s when conflict starts. “But why do I have to make my bed every morning?” “But why do I have to do the dishes before I go to bed EVERY NIGHT? They’ll still be there in the morning.” “Why can’t we eat dinner at 8pm instead of 6 so we can go see this movie?” I remember asking my parents why we didn’t go out to eat more. We were relatively well off family, everyone was always home at a decent hour and I wasn’t asking for a Michelin dinner – just Portillo’s or something easy. I always got dirty looks from my parents and they asked, “Well, are you going to pay for it?” I was nine years old. I was more interested in collecting Pokemon cards (the original 150) than collecting dollars and coins. It became a sticking point for me, so much so that I would stay at a friends house, at least 3 nights a week, for dinner because we would go out somewhere. My friends parents had no issue getting all of us some cheeseburgers from McDonalds or Hot Dogs from the place around the corner. It saved them time, made everyone happy and was inexpensive. The nights I would come home for dinner were always spent sulking because I didn’t want to eat the Shake and Bake nonsense my Mom would make, or the gray steak Dad would make (our broiler was not very good). So I went on trying to avoid coming home for dinner. Avoid the problem and it would just go away, right?

 Fast forward 6 years. I’m 15, in high school, just got my braces off and I have my first boyfriend. Coming out in high school was not something I was ready to do. I had told a few of my close friends and that was good enough for me, but “flaunting” it was not something I was prepared to do.

 **Sidebar: I, as most young, scared gay kids, covered by fear with active homophobia. I never hurt anyone (to my knowledge) but I used to think of it as a bad thing. I’ve since grown up, but we’ll get to that.**

 I had my boyfriend and we were together outside of school whenever possible. He lived by school, so I would always say I had to stay for an extra rehearsal or something and just go to his house. Both of his parents worked late, so we would usually have the house to ourselves for a few hours. Things got pretty serious pretty fast. Six months in (remember we’re 15) we decided to tell our families. Well, he told his family, and I chickened out. I remember calling him from the laundry room in my parents basement, crying. I told him I wasn’t strong enough, or good enough for him and we needed to break it off. It wasn’t fair for him to be with someone who couldn’t bring himself to admit the relationship to his family. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I broke up with him. At the time, this was the best course of action I could think of. Avoiding the problem, once again.

 Jump ahead another six years. I’m 21, living “on my own” with roommates on our college campus in an apartment my Dad is paying for. So adult. I’m doing small catering gigs out of our apartment to pay my rent and casually seeing someone. I’m pulling Cs in my classes (I used to be an A student) and I’ve gained about 80 pounds since coming to college. It comes time for winter finals, and I end up sleeping through my last one. I’m already doing poorly in the class, but theres no way I can make it up. I end up failing the class and I get put on academic probation. This is very new for me. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t avoid my parents finding out – the university mailed a letter home. I took the next semester off to “figure everything out.” I went to see a therapist. He told me I have “performance anxiety.” That didn’t register with me. How could I have performance anxiety? I have been performing on stages since I was 7. His evaluation told me that the performances I was used to – being in large groups and not really singled out – didn’t affect me or my life like the ones I was currently doing. Tests in classes that I knew I needed for my degree. Coming to terms with people – one on one – in relationships that could lead to something more fulfilling, more real, than just hanging out and having sex here and there. These were the things that were giving me anxiety, that I were afraid of.

 So I dropped out of college. It was definitely a mutual decision. I went to talk to my advisor and dean, and we came to the decision that me retaking courses and pulling my grades up wouldn’t be enough, and I’d end up somewhere mediocre when I graduated. I didn’t want that, and honestly I wasn’t happy in the career I chose. I thought the material was interesting and exciting, but the day to day drudgery was eating at me soul. I wasn’t happy.

 I moved home, mustered up some courage, and enrolled myself in a culinary school…without telling my parents. They weren’t very happy with me. We had a few fights, one lasting about a month where my Dad didn’t really speak to me, and one big one at the end. The final one happened all over the house, us following each other screaming and crying, and ended up with me making the biggest admittance I’ve ever made to anyone in my life – “I just want you guys to be proud of me” was what I told my parents through tears.  It was one of those “a-ha” moments that only came about because I had nothing left in me – nowhere else to hide.

 Over the last six years, I have gone to culinary school, graduated and worked countless jobs around the city networking with chefs and people I never imagined I would ever meet, moved out on my own (for real this time, mortgage and all), bought my own car, and have had the same job for almost two years now. I’ve dropped the 80 pounds I’ve gained from college and try to eat healthy whemever I can. Ironically, it’s taking me quitting the job I’ve worked the past two yeasrs for me to have this “a-ha” moment.

 I have been a chef for the last three years at two places. The first was a grocery store and butcher and the second was a restaurant. Both have taught me more in three years than my seven collective years of college ever did. And the latter job has taught me to question everything again. I’ve been asking “why?” again – and not accepting “that’s just how it is” as a legitimate answer. I love the restaurant industry. Looking at it from afar and seeing how many people it gives jobs to, how much the industry as a whole does for every single person every single day, and seeing the individuals who come in, bust their asses for a minimum wage paycheck, and are satisfied with a pat on the back and a “good job, see you tomorrow” really make me take pause. The great things people can do when they accept each other, put aside their differences and come together is great, but also seeing the hard work, dedication and sometimes overworking it takes to just get the doors open really makes me proud to do what I do. I’ve seen life from a lot of different viewpoints over the last 27 years, and I feel like I’ve seen the man behind the curtain. I know pain for losing someone you love and I know the joy of seeing new life come to be. I know how to start a business and I’ve seen businesses I’ve run nosedive when I leave. I’ve seen people flourish in jobs we’ve given them after a tough life on the streets or even jail time. I’ve seen rich, worry-free grown men who think they’re shit doesn’t stick humbled to the point that I have to teach them how to clean lettuce properly so the customers and their restaurants don’t end up chewing on sand.

 It’s important to keep perspective and know where you’ve been. Some people say that you should never look back because it distracts you from looking forward, but I disagree with that. Looking back gives you the knowledge you need to be able to move forward and be greater than the sum of your parts.

 I am a man. I am gay. I am white. I am loving. I am generous. And I am Human.

 We can all fight about politics, race, gender, inequality, pay, or even how to fold a bedsheet. When it all boils down, we’re all human, and we need to work together to be great. As one of my best friends and mentors put it, “Everyone just needs to do their fucking job. Stop fighting and complaining, just do your job.” Our jobs are to be greater than the individual. Let’s do it.