#which ties into that take on the Hulk as being this panicked response that really isn’t built for anything outside of that context

[daydreamerdrew]

The Incredible Hulk (1968) #246

[thedistantstorm]

A Shipwright Worth Her Salt Chapter 09

In which: Zavala reevaluates his priorities. Amanda is asked a question.

Feels, incoming!

Cayde is grateful that the Deputy Commander gets called away at some point in the middle of the night. Amanda wakes screaming and sobbing, the result of strange dreams brought on by narcotics and the previous evening’s events. They’d both been expecting it, and it was certainly mild on the scale of hiccups in her recovery, but it was still emotionally draining.

He convinces a rather polite medic to assist her in cleaning up even though there’s only a skeleton crew on overnight, and excuses himself when the woman offers to take her for an actual bath instead of whatever sponge bathing they’d done while she’d been critically ill.

She’d been only mildly shaky when he left, and he promised to stay nearby just in case. Of course, what he hadn’t planned on was for the Commander to appear not much after that, looking tired but not dead on his feet.

“What are you doing?” Zavala intones quietly, as he makes eye contact. “It is an absurd hour of the night for you to be lingering.”

Cayde shrugs, though it just looks like his cloak moves up and down since it wraps around his shoulders in what he calls a perpetual hug. “Guard detail, I guess.”

“I don’t believe Andal and I determined that to be a necessity.” His eyes narrow. Cayde tears his gaze away. “Things are alright?”

“Yeah. More or less. She’s just getting cleaned up. Finally well enough to have a real bath, they said.” He looks the other direction, toward an open window with full view of the dark sky and stars. The Hunter sighs after a decent expanse of silence. “Your next question is going to be ‘why it’s happening at this hour,’ so here’s your answer: she woke up a few hours ago, and couldn’t fall back asleep. Didn’t like the feeling of narcotics.”

Zavala allows Aashimah to transmat the majority of his armor away. “I can’t imagine she would,” He replies. “She is well?”

“Well enough, yeah.” Cayde shrugs yet again, twiddling a knife between armor plated hands. “She’s tired of being stuck in that bed all day, been getting pissy about it with anyone who will listen. It’s a good thing.” He straightens. “You bash every Fallen in the EDZ with your fists of havoc?”

Zavala hums. “Enough of them, yes.”

“Make you feel any better?” Cayde finally blinks two bright optics in the Awoken’s direction.

The way the Titan’s jaw is set gives him away before he speaks. “Not in the slightest. It does nothing to fix this.”

“Suppose not. Probably good to let some of that frustration out though.”

The silence between them stretches out for a few moments. Zavala shifts his weight and moves to stand across from the Exo instead of in the middle of the hallway. In rare undisciplined form, he allows his back to rest against the wall in a sort of pseudo-slouch.

“You sleep at all since this whole thing went down?”

“Do you often check on your superiors?”

Cayde laughs. “Andal wouldn’t know how to tie his boots without me sometimes. But, no. I just know that taking care of her,” He jerks a thumb at the wall behind him, “Is gonna be a busy job for a bit. You okay with signing up for that? I don’t know if she can stand to lose you again. I dunno much about whatever happened between you two, but she’s pretty, uh, attached, if you catch my drift.”

The Commander sighs. “I would have been here to check on her hours ago. We tied the loose ends up in the early evening. The Speaker requested to speak with me.”

“That religious old coot,” The Hunter comments. “Wha’d he want?”

“An invaluable counsel,” Zavala corrects. “He wished to evaluate my sense of duty.”

Cayde turns on his heel and paces. “Of all people? You? Because of one little girl? That’s ridiculous.”

Zavala sighs. “He remembered her.”

“What?” The pacing stops abruptly mid-turn. “From where?”

“A celebration. Commemorating this-” He gestures to the Tower as a whole. “I had brought her up here, to show her the hangar, let her watch the ships. She had always wanted to fly.” Cayde nodded but did not speak. “The Speaker,” He clenches his fits, unclenches, and looks away. “He announced that following the commemoration celebration, the Tower would not be accessible to non-Guardians with the exceptions of staff. Guardians would mostly stay in the dormitories and housing built within the walls. It was a move designed to keep our perimeter protected and to free up housing for our growing population. Guardians would only patrol within the City. And the Vanguard Commander would oversee it all from above. I wouldn’t be able to see her, as I had in the past. I was barely able to with my responsibilities, as it were, by that point.”

“And?”

“I had known about it for months.”

“You didn’t tell her.” Cayde nodded more to himself than to the other Guardian. “She put it together when he said-”

“It gutted her. She ran off in the middle of his speech.” He closes his eyes. “I was standing up there with him when he made the announcement, as was expected of me. I had never wanted someone to stop talking more in my entire existence.” He pauses, thinking about his words. “When I found her, I tried to talk to her, but-”

“Your duty ultimately won out.” Cayde’s optics matched similarly glowing irises. “Knights and their castles,” He said softly.

“What?”

“Something she said. To you, I think, after that mission I, uh, commissioned her for.” Cayde lets the glare roll off him at that. “Anyway, the Speaker remembered her, from that day…”

“...Yes. I told her that my duty was to the Traveler. There was no feasible way to protect the needs of humanity and also be available to her. Or, that is what I thought.” He looks at Cayde. “I told the Speaker that my sense of duty has never wavered. It has not. It will not ever. I was tempted to bring up Saint to him, but,” He shrugs, “I will not give away my hand just yet.”

Cayde smirks. “Good plan.”

“Whatever I am able to give, I will,” He says softly, as blue optics blink back. “If she will forgive-”

Cayde slaps a hand on the Titan’s hulking shoulder. “I’ll stop you there. I believe you,” He says back in a low tone. “We’re having a moment - and it’s great, really, it’s got me all warm ‘n fuzzy in the circuitry - but I don’t think I’m the one you need to have this moment with. Tell her. Try and keep her here, if you can.” Cayde scrubs a hand over his metal forehead, tracing the outline of his horn. “She’s got wounds that aren’t physical. We, uh, both know that.”

Awoken eyes narrowed. “Yes.”

“I tried talking to her about…” He gestures vaguely to the Titan. “... That, er, business with us… uh, holding her down,” He finally grits out. “She panicked. Told Sloane - who I’m sure told you, you're not that sneaky - it was related to her leg being cut off.” He shakes his head. “She can accept that. There’s plenty of options, she’s down but not out. Her body will heal. But this,” He taps a temple gently, “Trust me, this takes way more time and effort. The ticks fade and you can hide ‘em well enough, but the memories remain. Some of that stuff you can live with, but it doesn’t all just - Poof! - go away.” Cayde makes an explosion gesture with his hands. “I know it bothered you, too. You gotta talk to her about it. She’s mortified about it, but you gotta tell her it’s okay. She needs to know you don’t, y’know-”

“You know?” Zavala’s eyebrows furrow.

“Love her any less.” Cayde grunts. His posture is straight. Serious. “That you don’t think she’s broken.” He shifts his weight from right to left.

Zavala perks at his words, too. He takes them to heart, even if the 'L’ word is a bit too much to consider at this moment. Finally, he whispers, “How could I? To survive against such odds-”

“Tell her that,” Cayde nods. “Fuck, if it were me I’d have a bullet in my head and hope that Sundance could put me back together with all my parts shiny and new.”

“I would hope that my ghost could heal me without such dramatics,” Zavala replies, “But I agree.” Zavala gives the Hunter a once over when silence falls again. “Cayde?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.” The Commander crosses his arms and resumes his stance against the wall. “If you and Andal had not been there, I do not know what I would have done.”

The Exo smiles. “Just another day on the job, Commander. But I will remember to bring this up next several times I piss you off. Should get me out of some trouble.”

Bright eyes regard him with something Cayde will absolutely describe as tears of gratitude in a wild exaggeration to Ikora and Andal later. “Do not push your luck.”

-/

“Alright,” The nurse says to her, “I’ll go out and see if Cayde is still there for you. Everything else alright?”

The girl nods. “Thank you,” She says shyly. “I ‘preciate it.”

The woman smiles. “You are very welcome. I’ll come back to check on you later.” She turns in the direction of the door and takes a step into the hallway. “O-oh! You are not the person I was expecting to see,” Surprise is evident. “Excuse me.” She steps out of the doorway and into the hall, pulling the door closed behind her. “She said you weren’t going to be back until later this morning.”

Zavala nods. “I managed to finish things earlier. I was surprised to hear she’s awake.”

The nurse chatters. “Yes. She’s really turned around in the last few days, certainly since you were here last. Go on in. She’ll be excited to see you.” She leaves him, standing a step away from the door.

Aashimah appears beside him when he stares at the closed door for more than ten seconds. “If you don’t go in there on your own, I will transmat you through the door, Guardian.”

He blinks at her. “You will not.” She begins to spin her cones like she’s preparing to do so. He sputters. “I’m going,” He says to her, and she evaporates into a small shower of sparks as he wraps his hand around the handle and pushes as it turns.

“What took you so long, Cay-” Her words get caught in a small ‘eep’ in her throat as she lays eyes on the Vanguard Commander who is definitely not Cayde.

“Hello, Amanda.”

He doesn’t realize he’s been holding his breath until her expression changes from one of surprise to a wide, bashful smile and he’s able to exhale. “Hey, yourself.” She still looks sickly, with rosy cheeks and too pale skin, but she looks so much better than she had when he’d been forced to leave to clean up the Dead Zone. He moves closer to her without giving it much thought.

The weight of what’s happened to her, of how poorly things could have truly gone settle upon him, heavy and unbearable. His brain seems to snag on repetitions of ‘she’s just a girl,’ and he can’t bear to look away from her, so small and frail but so vibrantly alive. She would be okay. No tubes or cables attached to her, existing of her own volition. She would truly be okay.

“I-” His voice cracks and there are actual tears in his eyes this time as equal parts guilt and relief consume him. “I’m so sorry.”

She shakes her head.  “Please,” She says, “Don’t apologize. I never should have gone out there. Y’all saved my life,” She adds the last bit in a whisper. “I’ll be fine.”

He reaches for her, slowly. “I know you will be,” He wraps his arms around her shoulders, and her eyes widen before she relaxes into his embrace, clutching the forearm that’s wrapped around her front. “I was so worried I was going to lose you.”

She pulls back from him when he says that, and looks up into luminescent aqua eyes. Her own tidal green ones dart back and forth in wide-eyed evaluation. Her lower lip trembles as her own eyes well with tears, and she scoots to the side of the bed that he’s standing beside. She throws her arms around his neck as he leans down. “I thought I’d never get to see you again,” She whispers into his chest. They stay that way for the longest time, through her quiet sobs that turn into heart-wrenching ones that make her entire body shake, and subside into little tremors and hiccuping.

“No more,” He says, when they finally part. She gasps, as he takes both of her hands. “Never again, Amanda.” His eyes are fiercely blue, especially since they’re mildly bloodshot. “There was something you were trying to tell me,” He says softly. “When we were trying to get you out. Do you remember?”

She looks up at him, surprise and concern evident. He immediately saw exactly what Cayde had mentioned earlier. Panic lapped at the edges of her consciousness, and she pulled her hands out of his, wrapping them around her tiny frame as he pulled a chair close and sat beside her.

“I was in shock,” She whispers. “I was seeing things that weren’t happening. I-I know I th-thought y-you were-”

“Don’t trouble yourself with that right now,” He says in as low of a tone as he can. She shudders, but does not flinch when he puts his hand on her cheek and turns her head to face him. “We’ll talk about that another time. It’ll be alright.” He releases her cheek and leans back. “You were trying to tell me something,” He redirects, looking away from her. “And I would like to give it to you, if you’ll allow it.”

Her brow furrows, and she looks at him. “What was I askin’ for?” She asks, after a moment’s consideration. “I only r’member you carryin’ me,” She adds, quietly. “Felt nice. Safe.”

His smile is small and sad. “Once,” He reaches out, and she lowers her left hand into his right, “I told you that my duty was to the Traveler and to protecting humanity.” She blinks. The tears are back. She ignores them, and he catches one when it falls treacherously down her cheek with a large, calloused finger. “Do you remember?”

She nods.

“You nearly died multiple times that first night. I watched them... attempt,” His voice catches, roughly, “To save your life. The entire time, I thought: if I hadn’t made that decision, if I had tried to balance my duties to all this,” He motions to the Tower around them, “And my duty-”

“It’s not your fault, you don't owe me nothin,” She interrupts. “I feel like I’ve told ya that.”

He chuckles, “You have. However, listen to me,” He implores. “Please.”

She nods, and squeezes the hand that’s held by his.

“I was… afraid,” He admits. “That if I made the choice to balance both my duties as Vanguard Commander and the one I couldn’t admit, that I would fail. I thought that if I continued to deny that I had any ties to you my feelings would fade and I would forget.”

She looks down at their entwined hands, afraid to see whatever emotions his eyes betrayed. Afraid for what the truth might be.

“I should have known better,” He says with a knowing chuckle. “You have been ingrained upon my heart since the day you fixed that horrendous radio.” A little sob gets trapped in her throat and she looks up at him with widening eyes. He squeezes her hand. “For the last week, all I have been thinking about is what I would say to you, if you would forgive me for my folly-” She inhales to speak and he shakes his head. “But, most of all,” He’s sure to meet her gaze as he speaks in a hallowed whisper, “Would you let me make it up to you? Would you let this foolish man do what he should have from the very beginning?”

Her eyes, glassy with unshed tears, shine with the question he intends to answer.

“Will you stay with me?”

Her mouth opens in a little ‘o’ and she closes her eyes. “But, the rules-”

“Rules be damned,” He barks gruffly. “Do you wish to stay here, in the Tower?”

She nods. “Yes. Please,” She breathes. “I want to stay with you.”

She launches herself at him, bad leg all but forgotten about as she nearly topples off the bed and into his chest. He adjusts quickly, catching the pajama clad girl in strong arms and cradling her against him, mindful of her bad leg.

He smiles down onto the top of her head, looking rather relieved. She clings to him tightly as he rumbles, “I had rather hoped you still would.”