#which some may be surprised to learn is also a powder

[signedaiko]

Hiiii! May I request some platonic headcanons for MTMTE? I was thinking about a g/n human reader pulling some pranks on some bots on the LL (Ratchet, Rodimus, Rewind) and what their reactions would be.

Ratchet | Rewind | Rodimus [MTMTE]

In which you try pulling a prank on some of your friends aboard the Lost Light.

Reader is: Gender Neutral | Human | Autobot. Platonic.

Ratchet

Your friendship started with you making teasing comments, which eventually led to jokes and seemed to be verging towards pranks

Ratchet was a grumpy one, so while your jokes are welcome, there is a time and place for them

One of those times is not the first thing in the morning, especially when he's preparing to get into a surgery

And yet, as he went to enter his office, he was surprised to run into some kind of thin, transparent film that forced him back onto his aft

You'd spent the whole night lining the door of the medbay with several rolls of plastic wrap, knowing his optics would still be woken up

It came to bite you in the ass; he wakes you up from your sleep after the all-nighter by yelling your name and banging at your door

He's pissy, and now he's making you sit on his desk all day, watching the surgery, and banging his fist on the table every time you start to doze off

You can sleep when he's done and when he feels you've learned your lesson for startling him so early

Rewind

You were the life of the party, in many ways

A lot of Rewind's best recordings come from you

Were all humans this fun? Or were you some rarity?

Either way, he's a big fan, and he's always got his camera rolling if you're there

You also make him feel special because none of your jokes or pranks are aimed at him

In fact, you usually request his help with pranks, be it as small as catching it on tape or something like replaying someone's voice to lure another of the crew

That's what made your plan against him so effective; he never expected himself to be a target of your genius

Until one late evening, he enters the habsuite to get some rest and-

Wait

Why is everything on the wrong side?

Chromedome is there resting, and Rewind wakes him up to ask what's going on

"What are you talking about? Are you feeling okay?"

Chromedome fully convinces Rewind he may have something wrong until he pulls up a clip of the room

"Fuck." He hears your small voice come from somewhere behind Chromedome, and he's running at you

"Both of you! Traitors!"

Rodimus

Rodimus knew you better than most others, and while he pretended to scold you in front of Ultra Magnus all the time, he liked the energy you brought

Besides, he was always pulling small pranks of his own, usually on Ultra Magnus, which was cheap and easy, but pranks nonetheless

That meant he presented a challenge, though

Rodimus was very good at telling you were up to something and had caught many of your pranks before

Unfortunately for him, most is not all, and he'd once again been fooled by your trickery

You'd mixed powdered sugar into his paint polish, which made it look shiny at first, but once dried, it left him very sticky and matte and made his paint look uneven

Oh, he knew who'd done it the moment someone pointed it out, and he wasn't going to let you get away with it so easily

Next thing you know, Siren is over the ship's comms claiming there's an emergency and that Rodimus is severely injured in the med bay

Of course you go racing to see him, unaware the announcement was only to your hab suite

He sat there, Rewind by his side, recording as you burst in with emotions evident on your face, only to realize what he'd done

Asshole

Authors Note - I am actually, secretly, the least funny person in the universe so I hope these parnks were realistic in some shape or form! Thank you for requiesting 🩵

[mewarmicrons]

Can Ground Calcium Carbonate Be Found in Everyday Household Items?

Ground calcium carbonate is a versatile substance that has many uses in various industries, including construction, agriculture, and food. But you might be surprised to learn that it also appears in many everyday household items. Understanding where you can find this compound can help you appreciate its importance and versatility.

What is Ground Calcium Carbonate?

Ground calcium carbonate, or GCC, is a naturally occurring mineral that is mined from limestone. After mining, it is processed and finely ground into a powder. This powder is white and has a variety of properties, such as being non-toxic, odorless, and insoluble in water. Due to these characteristics, it is used in various applications, including as a filler in products, a dietary supplement, and even in the food industry.

Common Household Items Containing Ground Calcium Carbonate

You may not realize it, but ground calcium carbonate is present in many items found in your home. Here are some common examples:

1. Baking Products

Ground calcium carbonate is often used in baking powders as an acid neutralizer. It helps in creating a better texture and contributes to the leavening process, allowing baked goods to rise. When baking cookies or cakes, you might be using products that contain this ingredient without even knowing it.

2. Food and Dietary Supplements

Many dietary supplements include ground calcium carbonate as a source of calcium. It is often recommended for people who need to increase their calcium intake for bone health. You'll find it in various calcium-fortified foods and beverages, such as orange juice, which can help individuals meet their daily calcium requirements.

3. Personal Care Products

Ground calcium carbonate is also common in personal care items like toothpaste and facial powders. In toothpaste, it acts as a mild abrasive, helping to remove plaque and stains from teeth while also serving as a bulking agent. In facial powders, it can help absorb excess oil and provide a smooth finish.

4. Household Cleaning Products

You might not realize it, but some cleaning products contain ground calcium carbonate. It is used as a mild abrasive in products like scouring powders and creams, making it effective for cleaning surfaces without scratching them. This makes it ideal for use in kitchens and bathrooms, where gentle yet effective cleaning is required.

5. Paints and Coatings

Ground calcium carbonate is a common ingredient in paints and coatings. It serves as a filler, helping to improve the texture and durability of the paint while reducing costs. When you paint your walls or touch up furniture, you might be using products that include this versatile mineral.

The Role of Ground Calcium Carbonate Manufacturers

The presence of ground calcium carbonate in so many household items highlights the importance of ground calcium carbonate manufacturers in India and globally. These manufacturers play a crucial role in supplying high-quality GCC to various industries, ensuring that it meets safety and quality standards. Their work supports the production of everyday items that enhance our lives, from food to cleaning products.

Environmental Considerations

Ground calcium carbonate is not only useful but also environmentally friendly. It is a natural product that can be mined sustainably. Many manufacturers focus on eco-friendly practices, ensuring that their production methods minimize environmental impact. This makes ground calcium carbonate a popular choice for consumers who are conscious of their environmental footprint.

Conclusion

In conclusion, ground calcium carbonate is more than just a mineral; it is an essential component of many household items. From baking products and dietary supplements to personal care items and cleaning supplies, GCC plays a vital role in our daily lives. Understanding its presence in these products can help consumers make informed choices and appreciate the versatility of this common yet essential substance. As awareness of ground calcium carbonate's uses grows, so does the recognition of the importance of ground calcium carbonate manufacturers in providing high-quality products for various applications.

[motherssppl]

How to Use Indian Spices in Your Cooking

Introduction to Indian Spices

Indian cuisine is famous for its vibrant flavors primarily due to the extensive use. Spices are the heart and soul of Indian cooking, transforming simple ingredients into aromatic and flavorful dishes. In this guide, we will analyze the essential spices used in Indian cooking, understand their unique flavor options, and learn how to pair and experiment with them to create pleasant culinary experiences.

Understanding Flavor in Indian Cuisine

Understanding the role of spices in Indian cuisine involves mindful and the complex layers of flavor they contribute. Spices add more than just heat; they bring sweetness, bitterness, sourness, and a deep umami taste to dishes. Each spice has its own distinct taste and aroma, which, when combined with others, create harmonious and sometimes surprising flavor profiles. Some popular spices include cumin, coriander, turmeric, and garam masala, each bringing its own unique element to a dish.

Indian Cooking Spices: A Fundamental Guide

Indian cooking relies heavily on a variety of spices, each with its own unique characteristics. Here are some fundamental spices frequently used in Indian cuisine:

Cumin: Cumin seeds are often dry-roasted or fried in oil to release their aroma before being added to dishes.

Coriander: Ground coriander adds freshness to curries and spice blends with a subtle, sweet, and lemony flavor.

Turmeric: Great for its deep yellow color and mildly bitter flavor, turmeric is not only integral for its taste but also for its health benefits.

Mustard Seeds: These small seeds impart a bold and pungent flavor, often used in tempering to provide an aromatic base.

Fenugreek: With a somewhat bitter yet sweet taste, fenugreek seeds are commonly used in pickles and certain curries to add depth.

Garam Masala: This spice blend varies by region and includes spices like cinnamon, cardamom, cloves, and nutmeg; it's usually added towards the end of cooking to preserve its strong flavors.

Chili Powder: A versatile spice that adds heat and color to dishes, with variations in spiciness depending on the type of chili used.

 

Guidelines for Pairing Spices

Pairing spices in Indian cooking can initially seem daunting, but with a few suggestion, it becomes easier to understand. Here are some key principles to follow:

Balance Flavors: Aim for a balance of flavors in your dishes. For example, pair hot spices like chili powder with milder flavors like cumin or coriander to create a well-rounded dish.

Complementary Pairings: Use spices that complement each other. Turmeric pairs well with cumin and coriander, while mustard seeds and fenugreek work well together in pickles and sauces.

Use Aromatics: Incorporate aromatics such as garlic, ginger, and onions, which enhance the flavors of the spices and create a sturdy base for many dishes.

Start Conservatively: When trying new spice combinations, start with smaller quantities and adjust according to taste. This allows for better control over the flavor profile of the dish.

Regional Insights: Understand regional differences in spice usage. For example, South Indian cuisine often uses coconut and curry leaves, while North Indian dishes may feature more dairy-based ingredients like yogurt and cream.

 

Experimentation Tips for Home Cooks

Experimenting with Indian spices can be a rewarding experience, leading to the discovery of new flavor combinations and enhancing cooking skills. Here are some tips for home cooks:

Keep It Fresh: Use freshly ground spices whenever possible. Whole spices retain their flavor longer than pre-ground versions and can be toasted and ground as needed.

Toasting Spices: Roast spices in a dry pan before using them to release their essential oils and intensify their flavors.

Explore Spice Blends: Experiment with creating your spice blends. Start with classic blends like garam masala and adjust the ratios to suit your taste preferences.

Marinades and Rubs: Use spices in marinades and rubs for meat and vegetables to infuse them with rich, complex flavors before cooking.

Flavor Layers: Build layers of flavor by adding spices at different stages of cooking. For instance, temper whole spices in hot oil at the beginning and add ground spices later in the cooking process.

 

Culinary Examples of Indian Spices in Action

To better understand how Indian spices work together, let's explore some classic culinary examples where these spices shine:

 

Chicken Tikka Masala

This dish features marinated chicken pieces cooked in a rich and creamy tomato-based sauce. Key spices include:

Garam Masala: Adds warmth and complexity with its blend of spices.

Turmeric: Provides color and a subtle earthy flavor.

Chili Powder: Contributes heat and vibrant color.

Cumin: Offers a warm, nutty undertone.

 

Samosa

Samosas are deep-fried pastries filled with spiced potatoes, peas, and sometimes meat. Essential spices include:

Cumin Seeds: Provide an earthy, aromatic base when fried.

Coriander Powder: Imparts a fresh, lemony flavor to the filling.

Turmeric: Adds color and a hint of bitterness.

Garam Masala: Enhances the filling with a blend of warming spices.

 

Saag Paneer

This vegetarian dish features paneer (Indian cottage cheese) cooked with spinach and spices. Key spices include:

Mustard Seeds: Add a spicy touch, aromatic touch when tempered in oil.

Fenugreek Leaves: Contribute a sweet yet slightly bitter taste.

Turmeric: Provides color and a subtle earthy flavor.

Garam Masala: Adds depth and warmth to the dish.

 

Conclusion

Indian cuisine is a riches flavors, with spices playing a crucial role in creating its signature tastes. By understanding the characteristics and uses of various Indian spices, home cooks can elevate their dishes and experiment confidently in the kitchen. Whether you're a seasoned cook or a beginner, this guide provides the knowledge and inspiration needed to explore and appreciate the incredible world of Indian cooking spices. So, indulge the vibrant flavors, experiment with different combinations, and embark on a culinary journey through the diverse and aromatic landscape of Indian cuisine.

[vpureindia]

Top 8 Benefits of Ajwain, Side Effects, Various Ways to Take Ajwain and More!

Ajwain, a flowering plant belonging to the Apiaceae family that includes parsley, celery, and cumin, is also referred to as carom seeds, bishop's weed, or imam. It is native to North Africa, the Middle East, and the Indian subcontinent. 

The ajwain plant has small, white flowers and green, feathery leaves. The fruits of the plant, which are often called seeds, are small, oval-shaped, and have a strong, pungent flavour and aroma.

Before being added to meals, ajwain seeds are frequently dry-roasted or fried in ghee or clarified butter to enhance their flavour. They are used in a variety of Indian pickles, spice blends, bread, lentils, and vegetable meals.

Ajwain may be just another plant or spice that you use to flavour dishes. However, you might be surprised to learn that this unknown herb has some amazing health advantages!

Benefits of Ajwain & Benefits of Ajwain in medicinal uses

Ajwain water is thought to have several health advantages. It is prepared by soaking ajwain seeds in water for the entire night and then filtering the resulting liquid. The following are a few possible advantages of drinking Ajwain water:

Support to digestion (Benefits of ajwain for weight loss) -

Drinking Ajwain water is common to help with digestion. Its carminative qualities, used to relieve gas and encourage the release of trapped wind from the digestive tract, can help to reduce indigestion, bloating, and gas.

2.    Relieves acidity (Benefits of Ajwain) -

Ajwain water may help alleviate acidity and heartburn by reducing excess stomach acid.

3.    Improves metabolism (Benefits of Ajwain) -

 It's believed that routinely consuming Ajwain water would increase metabolism, which could help with weight management and overall energy levels.

4.    Anti-inflammatory qualities -

Ajwain has anti-inflammatory chemicals that may help lower inflammation in the body's various organs and digestive tract.

5.    Respiratory benefits (Benefits of Ajwain) -

Ajwain water is sometimes used to relieve respiratory issues such as coughs, colds, and asthma symptoms due to its antibacterial properties, which help to loosen mucus and facilitate its expulsion from the respiratory tract.

6.    Antibacterial and antifungal properties (Benefits of Ajwain) -

Compounds found in ajwain seeds have antibacterial and antifungal qualities, which may aid in the treatment of several bacterial and fungal illnesses.

7.    Menstrual relief (Benefits of Ajwain) -

Some women take Benefits of ajwain water to alleviate menstrual cramps and discomfort, as it is believed to have analgesic properties that can help relieve pain.

8.    Detoxification (Benefits of Ajwain) -

Ajwain water is considered a natural detoxifier and may help flush out toxins from the body, promoting overall health and well-being.

V-pure online masala store, provides online Ajwain with many benefits. They also offer some Indian spices online in quality and health advantages. 

Ways to Consume to take Health Benefits of Ajwain:

Ajwain can be consumed in a variety of ways based on your preferences and desired outcomes. Below are a few popular methods:

Ajwain Tea - To make ajwain tea, soak the seeds in hot water for a few minutes, then filter. This herbal tea can be flavoured with lemon or sweetened with honey, and it's frequently drunk for its digestive benefits.

Ajwain Oil - It is possible to combine the oil with ajwain seeds by boiling them until their flavour and aroma are released. After infusion, this oil can be used for cooking or as a massage oil to reduce tightness in the muscles and joints.

Ajwain Pickle - Ajwain seeds offer a unique flavour and scent to pickles and chutneys when used as a flavouring ingredient.

Ajwain Honey Water - Mix 1/4 teaspoon of ajwain powder with honey or lemon juice for a sore throat remedy or digestive aid.

Ajwain Powder - Grind the seeds into a fine powder and use it as a spice in various dishes like lentil soups, vegetable curries, and chutneys.

Ajwain Water - In a glass of boiling water, steep 1-2 tablespoons of seeds for 5–10 minutes. Drink the water after filtering. This method offers a milder flavour and feels lighter on the stomach.

Side Effects of Ajwain & Benefits of Ajwain

While most people consider ajwain (carom seeds) to be harmless when used in excess as a spice or herbal cure, there are a few potential side effects and safety measures to be aware of:

Allergic reactions: Some individuals may be allergic to ajwain seeds. Allergic reactions can range from mild symptoms like itching, rash, or swelling to more severe reactions like difficulty breathing or anaphylaxis in rare cases.

Gastrointestinal problems: Some individuals might suffer from gastrointestinal problems, including nausea, vomiting, or diarrhoea, after taking a lot of ajwain seeds or water. If you eat a lot of ajwain or have a sensitive stomach, this is more likely to happen.

Pregnancy and breastfeeding: While ajwain has historically been used to help in digestion and reduce gas, women who are pregnant or breastfeeding should use caution when consuming excessive amounts of it because its safety during these times is unknown. If you are pregnant or breastfeeding, it is important to speak with a healthcare provider before adding ajwain to your diet.

Blood clotting: Ajwain may have the ability to thin blood, although there is little data to support this theory. Eating high amounts of ajwain may raise the risk of bleeding, so it's best to speak with a healthcare provider if you have a bleeding issue or are on blood thinners.

Are Benefits of Ajwain Safe for People with Diabetes?

People with diabetes can eat ajwain, or carom seeds, in moderation, but they must be aware of the possibility that it may affect their blood sugar levels. Although V-pure ajwain has long been used to help with digestion and may offer some advantages to those with diabetes, it should not be taken in place of a balanced diet, consistent exercise, and prescription medicine from a medical practitioner in order to properly manage diabetes.

Before adding ajwain to their diet, people with diabetes should speak with their doctor or a certified nutritionist. This is especially important if they are taking diabetes medication or are worried about how ajwain may affect their blood sugar levels.

We've covered every potential advantage of Ajwain as well as the drawbacks of the seeds. To experience the Benefits of Ajwain on the body, one should eat them in moderation. Ajwain water can also be harmful to your health; thus, it should be used carefully. Everyone is aware of the advantages, disadvantages, and usage of Ajwain by now. When used lightly, cardamom seeds may exceed medicine or other treatments in the fight against a number of chronic illnesses. One can speak with a nutritionist who is more knowledgeable about the widely available ingredients in the nation to learn more about the advantages of carom seeds.

[vermilionhealth]

7 Benefits of Strength Training If You Want a Toned Body!

Lifting weights is the natural choice if you want a broad back and bulging biceps.

However, you might be surprised to learn that it’s also effective for a much wider range of fitness goals.

Less than 25% of adults worldwide exercise regularly. Even fewer make strength training a central part of their routine.

If that sounds like you, you’re missing out on more than bigger muscles.

Incorporating the power of resistance into your workouts can help you get more impressive results in less time.

Read more: Should You Use Protein Powder?

Learn more about what strength training can do for you, and how to get started.

7 Lesser-Known Benefits of Strength Training:

1. Condition your heart. Aerobics may be the first thing that comes to mind when you think about exercises for your heart, but strength training works too. That’s because it helps reduce abdominal fat that causes inflammation and other health issues.

2. Lower your blood pressure. Hypertension puts you at higher risk for stroke and heart disease, and there are often no symptoms to warn you. Along with taking any medication recommended by your doctor, physical activity can help you stay within a safer range.

 Lose weight. Muscle burns more calories than fat even when you’re sitting on the couch.  As long as you avoid eating more, you may find it easier to shed excess pounds.

3.  Prevent falls. Enhancing your balance and posture makes you steadier on your feet. 4. Weight-bearing exercises also thicken your bones, so your injuries may be less serious even if you do slip.

5. Increase flexibility. Lowering weights affects your body in much the same way as static stretches. That extra flexibility reduces stress and gives you greater freedom of movement.

6. Increase your energy. Daily tasks require less effort when you reduce your body fat and learn to use your body more efficiently. You may find it easier to keep up with your children and grandchildren.

7. Boost your overall wellbeing. Research shows that exercise can be as effective as antidepressants for some patients. In addition to looking fit, you’re likely to feel happier and calmer and may even reverse cognitive decline associated with aging.

Tips for Getting Started with Strength Training:

1. Follow instructions. Lifting weights can be safe as long as you take a few simple precautions. Work with a trainer or coach to study proper form and choose exercises that are less likely to cause injury.

2. Proceed gradually. Start with light weights and work your way up as your body adapts.  As a general rule, expect to increase your load by 10% or less at any one time.

3. Lift heavy. At the same time, you’ll progress faster if you use the heaviest weights you can handle safely. That usually means you can just barely complete your last repetition.

4. Seek variety. Work your muscles from different angles. Experiment with free weights and machines as well as body weight exercises, like pushups and dips.

5. Take days off. Your muscles actually grow during the time you spend resting in between workouts.  That might mean relaxing or doing other activities like hiking or swimming.

6. Adjust your lifestyle. Adopt healthy habits to go along with your physical activities. Eat a balanced diet and aim for 8 hours of sleep each night. Manage stress and cultivate mutually supportive relationships.

7. A toned body looks great, but strength training offers so much more. 

Take care of your body and mind with a well-rounded fitness program that will help you enjoy a long and active life.

Lose weight effectively and reduce your body fat, achieve sustainable weight loss using the slimming jelly! It’s tasty, fun and convenient. Get your slimming jelly here! Click here to read the raving testimonials!

Combat mental stress and physical fatigue with a healthy does of our Health and Vitality Jelly, which boast a dose of 900mg of the 6 year old red ginseng extract per serve! This will bulletproof both your body and mind be it at the workplace, gym or in the classroom. Click here to read the reviews and check out the Health and Vitality Jelly on offer today!

[avartepmuacademy]

The Latest Trends in Permanent Makeup: What You Need to Know

Permanent makeup (PMU) has been growing in popularity in recent years. Not only are more people getting it done, but the techniques and products used in it have also expanded and advanced significantly. These developments have led to increased interest in the craft, the results it offers, and its potential as a lifelong career.

This blog answers some of the most common questions about PMU and explores the latest trends in this exciting field.

What is permanent makeup?

Imagine getting a tattoo, but instead of drawing an image, design, or text, the artist enhances your features by filling your eyebrows, lining your lips, or hiding blemishes on your face. That's what permanent makeup is all about. Also known as micro pigmentation, the process involves PMU artists using specialized tools and techniques to draw tattoos that imitate the look and effect of conventional makeup.

Why is PMU so popular?

The many benefits of PMU are why it's so popular. For starters, it saves time and effort because you don't need to plan, apply, or remove your makeup daily. No more stressing over identical eyebrows, eyeliner, or blush -- you practically wake up looking your best. Moreover, PMU stays put, so you can go through your day without worrying about smudging.

Permanent makeup lasts a long time. Unlike conventional makeup that starts to cake, melt, or fade within hours, PMU can stay on for years.

What are the most popular PMU procedures?

The most popular PMU procedures involve enhancing the eyebrows, which is not surprising. Flawlessly done eyebrows can enhance your facial features and make you look younger, but drawing them daily using regular makeup is no easy feat.

What are the latest PMU trends?

Trends in permanent makeup change as new tools and procedures are developed and introduced. Here are some of the trends you should look into:

Microblading

Powder brows

Ombre brows

Lip blushing

Permanent eyeliner

Permanent concealer

There is little doubt that new techniques will emerge as the PMU industry grows.

Does PMU make for a promising career?

If you like to create beauty, PMU artistry will allow you to earn money while putting your creativity into action. Considering how the industry is expected to keep expanding over the years, there may not be a better time to get started on permanent makeup careers than today.

How do you get started as a PMU artist?

The most crucial step to becoming a PMU artist is to learn the right skills and techniques. You can do this by completing PMU artist courses. There are comprehensive programs that teach you all the necessary theories and techniques. However, there are courses that focus on teaching specific procedures.

How do you find reliable PMU artist courses?

There are many PMU training programs on the market, so selecting the best one can be overwhelming. An intelligent way to choose is to look into the program's reputation and its instructors' backgrounds. Ensure the program covers the right skills and is accredited by PMU industry authorities. Its instructors must also be certified professional artists with years of experience in the business. 

Is there an online PMU academy?

Some PMU training academies offer internet-based courses, where you receive training from PMU professionals online. This option allows you to complete your education at your own pace and convenience. It is perfect if you have a busy schedule or live far from a training facility.

Avarte is one of the country's top providers of online PMU artist courses. Our training programs can equip you with the skills and knowledge to create results that satisfy your clients. They are delivered by experienced and certified PMU artists who can provide insights on how you can lead a successful career in the beauty industry. Start your dream career in PMU by signing up today!

[boostnutrients]

Maca Powder: The Superfood You Need in Your Diet

Maca Powder: The Superfood You Need in Your Diet

Maca powder has been the superfood world's best-kept secret for quite some time now, yet the popularity of this powerful little root continues to grow. If you are looking to elevate your health and wellness journey, this is certainly something that you may want to consider incorporating into your daily diet. Maca has an impressive nutritional profile and may offer some pretty amazing health benefits, from boosting energy levels to balancing hormones.

What is Maca Powder?

Maca powder comes from the maca root, a plant native to Peru that grows in the harsh climates of the Andes mountains. The root, which comes in a variety of colours including white, red, and black, is dried and ground into a fine powder. It has been used for centuries in traditional medicine due to its array of health benefits, and thanks to its host of beneficial nutrients and powerful properties is now widely used as a nutritional supplement. The unique taste of maca powder can be described as earthy and nutty, with a slight hint of butterscotch. It is not overly sweet but has a somewhat malty flavour which may take some getting used to for those new to its use. It has a rich, distinctive taste that goes well with some ingredients, but not with others.

The Nutritional Profile of Maca Powder

Maca root is a strong, resilient plant that survives in the harshest of environments and as such has built up powerful biological defences. This protective armour translates into a whole host of nutritional compounds. Rich in nutrients, and brimming with vital vitamins and minerals, maca is a valuable source of protein, fibre, and essential fatty acids. It also boasts an impressive array of micronutrients. But as we shall see, the real power of maca lies within its unique plant compounds and their unusual properties. A rich source of vitamins and minerals Maca root powder is particularly notable for its high levels of Vitamin C, a powerful antioxidant that boosts the immune system and aids in the body's production of collagen. It also has good levels of vitamins B1 and B2, for energy metabolism, and vitamin E. Iron, a significant mineral in maca powder, is vital for carrying oxygen from our lungs to the cells of our body. Potassium, key for nerve function and muscle health, and manganese, a trace mineral that aids in metabolism and bone development, also feature prominently in this potent powder. Maca root is a particularly rich source of minerals and also contains calcium, iodine, magnesium, zinc and selenium. A source of protein and fibre The protein and fibre content in maca powder have crucial roles to play in our overall health and well-being. A noteworthy source of protein, maca powder provides essential amino acids which are crucial for muscle growth and repair, as well as supporting a healthy immune system. Fibre digestive health. Maca powder is also rich in fibre, which not only supports digestive health but also helps to maintain a feeling of fullness, which can be beneficial for weight management. Powerful antioxidant properties Maca powder has powerful antioxidant properties, which help the body neutralize a range of harmful molecules called free radicals. Antioxidants are substances that can prevent or slow damage to cells caused by these free radicals. The high levels of Vitamin C and manganese in maca root contribute significantly to its antioxidant profile. These antioxidants help to strengthen the body's natural defences and prevent oxidative stress, which is linked to numerous diseases including heart disease and cancer. What's more, the antioxidant profile of maca is believed to boost cognitive health, aiding in memory and learning functions.

The Health Benefits of Maca

But it is the surprising health benefits of maca powder that make this superfood so interesting. It has been shown to enhance energy and stamina, improve mental clarity and focus, and balance hormone levels. Traditionally used to increase fertility, the antioxidant properties of maca also make it a powerful ally for your immune system. And it does these things in a very special way. Maca is adaptogenic Maca root is one of the very few plants that act as an adaptogen. Understanding this is the key to understanding why it has such special supportive properties. Adaptogens help the body to balance stress and maintain equilibrium. Which is just astounding if you stop to think about it. These adaptogenic properties come from unique plant compounds that support and nourish particular pathways through the brain and the endocrine system Energy boosting properties Maca powder is often hailed for its energy-boosting properties. And thanks to its adaptogenic properties it does this without acting as a stimulant. By supporting the adrenal glands, it helps to enhance overall energy, stamina, and endurance. It is also packed with B vitamins, which are essential for the body's energy production process. Iron is also necessary for enhancing physical stamina and reducing fatigue as it aids in red blood cell production, transporting oxygen throughout the body. More than just a physical energy booster, maca is also believed to improve mental energy, resulting in increased focus, clearer cognitive functions, and an overall uplift in mood. Thus, the inclusion of maca powder in your daily diet can provide a natural energy lift, supporting both physical and mental vitality. Hormonal Balance Maca's unique ability to promote hormonal balance is of immense significance as hormones regulate just about everything that goes on in the body. By nourishing the pituitary gland, maca root powder helps to facilitate balance within the entire endocrine system. This leads to increased regulation of hormones, enhanced fertility, improved mood, stabilization of menstrual cycles, and reduction of menopausal symptoms in women. For men, maca can help balance testosterone levels, contribute to prostate health, and boost libido. Therefore, adding maca to your regular diet can be a natural and holistic approach to maintaining hormonal balance. Enhance memory and learning Maca powder is thought to be a potent memory and learning enhancer. Its high antioxidant content assists in combating oxidative stress, which may be a significant contributor to neurodegenerative diseases. Studies have shown that the flavonoids present in maca are linked to improved cognitive functions, including memory and learning. Mood enhancer The mood-enhancing properties of maca root may be down to a cumulation of its many properties, rather than a single source. The endocrine system has a huge role to play in regulating mood. When in balance, it can better manage stress, leading to improved overall emotional health. When we have more energy, we instantly feel more alive. A body that functions is a joy to be in, rather than a sluggish system that drags us down and holds us back.

How to Use Maca Powder

Adding maca powder to your diet is quite simple and can be done in several different ways. The flavour of maca works best with creamy bases. Nuts and seeds work well, and fruits such as dates and bananas. - Smoothies: Blend 1-2 teaspoons of maca powder into your favourite smoothie recipes. - Baking: Add to your baked goods for a nutritious boost. Use it in bread, muffins, cookies or pancakes, substituting a portion of the flour with a small amount of maca powder. - Porridge or Cereal: You can stir in a teaspoon into your morning porridge or cereal. - Tea or Coffee: Add a teaspoon of powder to your tea or coffee. Start with a small amount (1/2 to 1 teaspoon) and gradually increase to up to a tablespoon per day over a few weeks, as per your requirements. If you are pregnant or have a medical condition, please consult with your healthcare provider before adding Maca Powder to your diet. Try our organic maca powder. Precautions and possible side effects of consuming maca powder While maca is generally considered safe for most people, it's important to take certain precautions when incorporating it into your diet. If you have a history of thyroid problems, you should proceed with caution. It may be suitable for those with an underactive thyroid but should be avoided by those with an overactive thyroid due to its iodine content. Due to its effect on hormones, pregnant or breastfeeding women should consult with their healthcare provider before using maca. In terms of side effects, some individuals may experience digestive issues, such as bloating and gas, especially when first introducing maca into their diet. It's also worth noting that due to its energizing effects, maca may make it harder for some people to fall asleep if consumed later in the day. As we mentioned earlier it is recommended to start with a small quantity and gradually increase the intake. As we have seen, maca powder certainly seems to hold great potential for bolstering health and promoting overall well-being. Its impressive nutritional profile, inclusive of vitamins, minerals, and essential amino acids, equips it with the ability to boost energy, enhance stamina, and promote mental clarity. Something we are all looking for, right? A versatile superfood that can be used in so many ways, it couldn't be easier to boost the nutritional value of your food. Enjoyed this article? Read more about how you can harness the potential power of superfoods in your diet. Not entirely clear on the role superfoods can play in your achieving your nutritional goals? Then perhaps begin with this detailed guide to superfoods.   Explore our range of versatile store cupboard superfoods today. This article was reproduced on this site with permission from operafoods.com.au the “Home delivery suppliers of Superfoods for Granola & Acai Bowls”. See original article:- Maca Powder: The Superfood You Need in Your Diet Read the full article

[lowryinbohemia]

Cesky Krumlov - Day 2

I woke up with the windows open and the cool morning breeze coming in, which was utterly delightful and so peaceful. The lack of AC in the hotel has not been a problem as the evenings here are cooler because we are at a higher elevation. A big breakfast was had, complete with cappuccino and some delicious pastry with apple in the middle and powdered sugar on top.

Our tour guide this morning was the lovely Šárka, a local of the area, who gave us a lovely morning tour of the area around the castle as well as views from the old church area. The weather was a bit chilly this morning but the sun was out, and we got to hear about how this beautiful city got through the Nazi/German occupation following the Munich Agreement, and then how it fared under Communist control up until 1989. Šárka explained how various members of her family dealt with the changes in politics and culture, and how the people of Cesky Krumlov have dealt with these same changes. After a climb to the viewpoint of the castle, where I got a great photo of me and Mom together overlooking the city, we met back up with Johanka.

Johanka gave us all the option to either make our way to the castle museum & tower, or to use the time as free time. Mom & I joined our new friend Cindy on a little “shopping therapy” where I was able to get a few small gifts for some loved ones back home. (No, I am not going to say what or for who, it will be a surprise!) I also finally got to try one of the Volcano Desserts, which is a domed pastry covered in cinnamon sugar, and filled with ice cream. By that time of the day it had started to get a bit hot so the ice cream was a welcome relief.

A short rest and a quick change of clothes, and our adventures then lead us to the river for a boat journey around the town. I didn’t bring my phone with me because I was worried about it getting wet so I had to rely on Mom for the photos of this journey. Pat chose to spend the afternoon relaxing at the hotel since she didn’t feel up for the rafting adventure. It was very very peaceful on the river, and it was fascinating to see all these old buildings, including the castle, from the river’s edge. Plus at the end, Johanka treated us to a lovely small glass of local Krumlov beer.

A small chance to rest and change clothes, and then we got to attend a home cooked dinner at the home of Šárka, with her husband and 19 year old daughter, Tina. Tina shared with us about her schooling, as well as showing off some clips of her singing in her community choir as well as singing with her school’s jazz band. Tina is a beautiful singer and it was such a joy to see clips of her brilliant work. Dinner was delicious, all made with recipes from Šárka’s family & her husband’s family. They served a delicious potato soup with herbs from their garden, and for dinner was a chicken & mushroom & sun dried tomatoes pasta with a simple salad with tomatoes from the greenhouse. All the food was delicious and I really enjoyed learning about how Šárka’s husband’s family were farmers that lost their farm to the German occupation & communist takeover, and then were able to regain it after the revolution in 1989. A truly magical and fascinating evening.

Tomorrow we get to hear a lecture from a local woman who lived in the town during communist rule, and then tour a nearby monastery and do a little hiking in the local area, so I must bid farewell to you all so I may get some sleep.

Till tomorrow friends.

Lowrs💜

[downtoearthmarkets]

Ah, the microbiome. A previously obscure, rather esoteric concept to anyone outside the scientific and medical fields, it is now a hot topic that’s garnered broad media coverage, including in The New York Times. Given how quickly it’s captured the public imagination, it’s surprising to learn that the term “microbiome” didn’t exist until fairly recently. In 2001, a leading microbiologist and Nobel Laureate named Joshua Lederberg first coined the term to describe the collection of microbes, including bacteria, fungi and viruses, that naturally live on our bodies and inside us. These microscopic organisms are instrumental to our vitality and health as they destroy harmful bacteria, regulate our immune system, and aid digestion. In fact, it is thought that the totality of the microbiome on each of our bodies may weigh between two to five pounds, which is roughly the same weight as the human brain! Perhaps it’s because we all gotta eat, of the many areas this rather weighty community of microbes inhabits, none has received more attention than that of the microbiota in our digestive system. There is now ample research and evidence to conclude that a healthy gut microbiome can mean a healthier, happier you. There are several lifestyle factors that affect the functioning of the microbiome including exercise, stress, medication use and, most importantly, diet. It is now well-established that consistently following a high-fiber diet featuring a large volume and wide variety of fruits, vegetables, beans, legumes, whole grains, and fermented foods is the optimal way to support and promote microbiome health, not to mention your overall health. You already know that Down to Earth farmers markets are a great place to find fresh fruit and veggies but, when it comes to fermented foods, we offer shoppers a variety of options throughout the year, even during the winter months: Fermented Foods Fermented foods describe those which have deliberately undergone an anaerobic (without oxygen) process to stimulate the conversion of carbohydrates into alcohol, gases or organic acids via the introduction of microorganisms such as yeasts or bacteria. Fermentation has been part of the human diet for millennia and was initially invented as a way to preserve foods, extend their shelf life, improve flavor and eliminate dangerous pathogens. Today, people actively seek out these foods, not only for their unique flavors and textures, but to consume the beneficial bacterial cultures they contain. These live, active cultures are also known as probiotics — “friendly bacteria" — and are similar to the ones that occur naturally in the microbiome. Studies have shown that regularly ingesting the following fermented foods can help repopulate the gut microbiome with friendly bacteria and contribute to the diversity and overall balance of its flora: Yogurt: The exact origins of yogurt are unknown, but it’s thought that it was probably invented by chance by Neolithic people in Central Asia and Mesopotamia around 5000 BC, when the first milk-producing animals were domesticated. Yogurt is made by heating milk and combining it with two live bacterial strains — Lactobacillus bulgaricus and Streptococcus thermophilus. The warm milk creates the perfect environment for the bacteria to grow, fermenting the sugar (lactose) and thickening its texture. Cow's milk is most commonly used to make yogurt, but you can also find sheep’s milk yogurt in some of our markets. Kimchi: Kimchi is a traditional Korean dish made from salted and fermented vegetables, such as napa cabbage and daikon radish. Spices, seasonings and aromatics are used to flavor kimchi, including gochugaru (coarsely ground Korean chili powder), spring onions, garlic, ginger, red peppers and fish sauce. Kimchi is salty, savory and packs some heat thanks to its spicy ingredients. It contains plenty of naturally occurring probiotics as well as fiber and B vitamins. Sauerkraut: Sauerkraut (meaning ‘sour cabbage’ in German) is Germany’s answer to Korea’s kimchi. It’s made by combining finely cut raw cabbage with salt in a sealed container. The salt causes the cabbage to release its own liquid forming a brining solution and catalyzing fermentation via different strains of lactic acid bacteria. Unlike most store-bought sauerkraut which is pasteurized to kill off the bacteria, both good and bad, farmers markets often offer sauerkraut that is loaded with probiotics. Kombucha: Kombucha is a tangy, lightly effervescent, sweetened black tea drink that was first brewed in China over 2,000 years ago. To make this tonic, a SCOBY (symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast) or “mother” is added to a mixture of black tea and sugar that is set aside to undergo fermentation for a week or more. Kombucha bacteria includes lactic-acid bacteria, which can work as a probiotic. It also contains a healthy dose of B vitamins.

[dashinghealth]

10 Surprising Foods You Never Knew Were Fertility Boosters

When it comes to increasing fertility and increasing the chances of successful conception, there are many methods and treatments available. However, one of the most overlooked, yet potentially most effective, is to make dietary changes. What you eat can have a huge impact on fertility and reproductive health, and many common foods can help to boost fertility.

In this blog post, we'll explore 10 surprising foods that you may not have known can help to boost fertility and support reproductive health. From traditional fertility foods like leafy greens, to more exotic choices like maca powder, there are some unexpected options to support fertility and improve your chances of conceiving.

Although fertility treatments, supplements, and medications can be effective, it's worth considering the power of food as a way to boost fertility and improve reproductive health. So, read on to discover 10 surprising foods you never knew were fertility boosters.

1. Avocados - A Delicious Way to Enhance Fertility

Avocados are a fertility powerhouse packed with essential vitamins and minerals that can help boost your fertility and get you on the path to pregnancy. Rich in healthy fats, they can help regulate hormones, increase libido, and provide your body with the necessary vitamins and minerals it needs to enhance fertility.

As an added bonus, adding avocados to your diet can help reduce inflammation and stress, two common factors that can interfere with fertility. So, if you're wondering how to get pregnant fast, try adding avocados to your diet and see how they can help reverse infertility and get you on the path to a pregnancy miracle!

2. Oysters - A Tasty Aphrodisiac

Who would have thought that something as simple as eating oysters could help you get pregnant fast? Well, get ready to be pleasantly surprised!

Whether you are trying to reverse infertility or just looking for a way to get pregnant naturally, oysters are a tasty aphrodisiac that can help you reach your goals. Not only are they rich in zinc, which is great for reproductive health, but they also contain amino acids that boost the production of sex hormones like testosterone.

So, the next time you’re out looking for a meal to make your pregnancy miracle happen, don’t forget to include some oysters on the menu.

3. Nuts & Seeds - A Powerhouse of Essential Nutrients

Nuts and seeds are a powerhouse of essential nutrients - and guess what? They can also be used to help you get pregnant faster! From walnuts and almonds to flaxseeds and sunflower seeds, these little nibbles are packed with vitamins and minerals that can help you reverse infertility and get pregnant naturally.

They are known to contain high levels of zinc, which can help to boost your fertility, and can also be used in a variety of dishes to make sure you get your daily dose of nutrients. So, if you're looking to get pregnant fast, choose nuts and seeds - they could be the pregnancy miracle you've been waiting for.

4. Yoghurt - Packed with Fertility-Boosting Probiotics

Yoghurt is one of those delicious foods that many of us enjoy, but did you know that it could be a fertility booster too? Yoghurt is packed with probiotics that can help support your reproductive health and boost your fertility. It encourages a healthy balance of bacteria in your gut, helping to regulate your hormones and aiding in the conception process.

So, if you’re looking for ways to get pregnant fast, reverse infertility, or just looking for a pregnancy miracle, adding yoghurt to your diet could be a great start! Get pregnant naturally by incorporating this delicious treat into your meals.

5. Dark Chocolate - A Sweet Treat to Support Reproductive Health

Are you looking to get pregnant fast? You might be surprised to learn that dark chocolate can help! Rich in antioxidants, iron, zinc, and magnesium, dark chocolate can boost your reproductive health. It can help regulate hormones, increase blood flow to the uterus and ovaries, and can even improve sperm count.

And, of course, it tastes great, making it a sweet treat for anyone hoping to get pregnant naturally. So, the next time you’re looking for a way to reverse infertility, why not reach for some dark chocolate? It just might be the pregnancy miracle you’ve been looking for!

6. Asparagus - A Veggie with Fertility-Friendly Vitamins

If you’ve been wondering how to get pregnant fast or if you’re looking for a pregnancy miracle, you may be surprised to find out that asparagus is one of the best fertility-friendly vegetables you can eat! This veggie is loaded with vitamins and minerals that can help boost fertility and increase your chances of getting pregnant naturally.

The vitamins in asparagus, such as folate, vitamin B6 and vitamin C, can help increase fertility, improve egg quality and support hormonal balance. Eating asparagus may also help reverse infertility, so don’t hesitate to add this tasty veggie to your diet!

7. Berries - A Fruity Way to Fight Infertility

Berries are one of the most versatile and delicious fruits around, but did you know they could also be a fertility booster? Berries are known to be packed with antioxidants, vitamins and minerals which all can help in improving fertility. Eating a daily serving of berries can help reduce stress and improve fertility by boosting blood flow to the reproductive organs.

This can help improve the quality of your eggs and sperm, making it easier for you to get pregnant fast. So if you're looking to reverse infertility and achieve a pregnancy miracle, try adding some delicious and nutritious berries to your diet!

8. Oatmeal - An Easy Way to Support Egg Health

Want to know how to get pregnant fast? Look no further than oatmeal! This wholesome breakfast staple is more than just a tasty way to start your day—it can also help you reverse infertility and experience a pregnancy miracle. Eating oatmeal regularly can support egg health, giving you a greater chance of getting pregnant naturally.

Oats are packed with essential vitamins and minerals, such as iron, manganese, zinc, and B vitamins, which are all important for reproductive health. Plus, oatmeal is filling, which means you won’t be as tempted to snack on unhealthy foods throughout the day. So, if you’re looking for a natural way to boost fertility, be sure to add oatmeal to your grocery list!

9. Citrus Fruits - A Burst of Vitamin C to Help with Fertility

If you're looking to get pregnant fast and reverse infertility, citrus fruits is your go-to! Packed full of Vitamin C, citrus fruits are bursting with antioxidants to help fight off any free radicals that might be preventing you from getting pregnant naturally. It's a great way to introduce a nutrient-rich snack into your daily routine to help boost your fertility. So if you're looking for a pregnancy miracle, grab a few oranges, lemons, limes, or grapefruits and start indulging!

10. Leafy Greens - A Nutrient-Rich Way to Increase Fertility

Believe it or not, leafy greens are a powerhouse when it comes to improving fertility. Rich in antioxidants, vitamins, and minerals, eating more greens can help balance hormones and boost fertility. Spinach, kale, Swiss chard, and arugula are some of the best greens to eat in order to increase fertility.

Not only are they nutrient-dense, but they are also low in calories, making them an ideal item to add to your diet if you’re looking to get pregnant fast. Eating more leafy greens can also help improve reproductive health in both men and women, making it a great way to reverse infertility and get pregnant naturally.

In conclusion, there are many foods that can be beneficial to fertility. Eating a balanced diet, rich in nutrients and vitamins, is essential for both fertility and overall health. Incorporating some of these unexpected fertility boosters into your diet can be a great way to support your reproductive health and optimize your chances of getting pregnant. With the right nutrition and lifestyle changes, you could be on your way to starting a family.

[phoenixiancrystallist]

Day whatever the hell we're on now! 330, apparently. Which is an hour before the cat woke me up by screaming in my ear because he was out of food and water. Which, fair, that's a good reason to scream, but at 4:30 am and in my ear?! Jerk cat.

Anyway, Disgusted got redone and I'm happy enough with it that it's now inked and has the beginnings of color worked out! Tomorrow I'll finish that up, and then some time after that I'll figure out what to do with Shocked/Surprised and Silly.

Also, I made food!

I had a spare sweet potato and needed to use the last pound of beef from a 3lb tube of it I'd been using for Hamburger Helper beef stroganoff. Also included is creamed corn, beef ramen, garlic powder, onion powder, onion salt because I ran out of onion powder and it needed more salt anyway, black pepper, and soy sauce. It turned out tasty, but it also didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. If I do this again, I think next time I'm gonna cook the sweet potatoes first, then the beef, use beef broth instead of water to actually cook the things in, and add in some nice Parmesan cheese. Or I may just do it as a risotto; maybe fresh onion instead of powder will tie everything together better. Either way, I liked the taste and learned a couple things about cooking beef with sweet potatoes! Yay, me!

[insane-arcane]

Being One of Vanders kids

A street rat left on your own after your parents demise on the Battle of the Bridge Vander found you when you tried too steal some food out of his bar. Not the smartest decision on your part but you were small and hungry so he couldn't blame you. After all he was known to have a soft spot for kids and it wasn't much, just the scraps off someone elses plate. Taking pity on you, you become another adoptee.

Older than Powder but younger than Violet you were somewhere in the middle of the other kids. You didn't know your real birthday or age as your memories with your parents were all fuzzy and it was really just another random day in the year for you. Your parents did their best for you growing up but in the Lanes your best isn't always enough. Vander makes a note to remember the day he first met you so you could have a proper birthday once you'd adjusted to living with all of them. He knows how hard it can be to loose people and he knows what it's like for your brain to block out certain memories cause their hard to remember. He hopes he can make you new and better memories.

You leave sometimes in the first couple weeks. Never for too long but still, it worried Vander. A day maybe two you'd just dissapear without a word. You come back when you need someplace safe to sleep they think. They only know this because the bed Vander gave you will show signs of being slept in. The kids aren't really sure what to make of you. You come late at night after they've fallen asleep and leave early in the morning when you don't stay. Sometimes there's something small left as a sort of thankyou for letting you stay the night but other than that much isn't said. Even when you do hang around your more silent.

It doesn't take them long to realize your scared. Of attachment? Of abandonment? Of betrayal? Of them? No one's really sure but they do their best to be opening and welcoming whenever your around. They really would like you to stay.

Your crafty and always observing the world around you. You watch, you learn, and you master quickly. Although your really quiet at first Vander notices the way you take everything in. You can read and write as well as count money and do basic arithmatic and equations in your head. Something a lot of people in the Lanes can't do.

Those are just mental skills you possess. You have a lot of talents too. Your observant. You always know when a fights about to happen and who's gonna throw a punch which makes you good at defusing situations and playing peace maker. Your also a skilled seamster who can patch any grubby garment into something someone would feel proud to wear. Your good at carpentry and basic repairs on things. Your cooking skills are also not something to laugh at. It's impressive to say the least. He knows you have other skills but he doesn't push you to share anything you feel uncomfortable with.

Vander although proud of your progress is a little worried with how quiet you are the first couple weeks. You've finally stopped coming and going but he still worries about you and your silent nature. He fears somethings wrong in your head or that you saw something you shouldn't have that left you mute. This is the lanes after all. But after a few weeks of staying with the other kids you begin to really open up. Your quiet and withdrawn nature quickly becoming chatty and friendly. They were all nice to you while you were adjusting but the more comfortable you got, the closer you all became as friends and even family.

Violet is the older sister of the bunch taking care of everybody while Powder is very clearly the baby of the family. Vi's always looking out for you and Powder but she quickly learns to trust you and your skills. Your really resourceful and quick to come up with viable solutions when you and the others are in a problem. Your street smarts are not something that should be underestimated and the connections you have in the Undercity surprise her. You may not have had a real home before them but you got around and you helped a lot of people with in and out odd jobs. She's weary of you but as time goes on she learns to trust you and your advice when you offered it.

Mylo once you begin opening up to the group takes you under his wing. Which is surprising to everyone given his treatment to most (especially Powder). At first the kids tease him thinking he fancies you but in all honesty he just knows what it's like to be an awkward middle child looking for your place in a home that doesn't always feel like it fits. He was the last kid Vander took in so he feels like it's his responbility to help you adjust. He also thinks he can claim half the stuff you steal if your the closest to him.

He bonds with you by sharing skills and swapping stories. Mylo teaches you to pick locks and how to loosen windows to get inside buildings while you teach him the best hiding places when on the run. When he teaches you the intricacy of locks he's surprised how good you become way too quickly. He's still the master of course but he's also impressed to see how quickly you pick up on the skills the others don't see value in. You're a jack of trades for sure and although he covers it up with a sarcastic attitude he's never not amazed at the things you've accomplished in your short time at Vanders.

Mylos also super chatty, like really chatty. He does not know when to shut up (undiagnosed ADHD for sure) but when your around it seems less like filler and more like his genuine thoughts and feelings. He trusts you with what he's keeping inside his head and you trust him to teach you. Your an odd but good duo who balance each other out well and push each other to be better. Sometimes you get competitive when doing jobs or errands for Vander but it's all in good fun.

Seeing a deeper side of Mylo the others don't see as much and hearing his insecurities about where he belongs in this family makes you super close. You see the pattern of him picking on Powder and you realize why he does it. You tell him to stop messing with Powder which gives you points with everyone else since he's always ragging on her. (You're gentle about telling him off though. Always reminding him everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. You know he only messes with Powder cause he cares about her and he sometimes feels jealous because of Powders relationship with Vi. Mylo never had anyone watching his back at that age. It was him and the streets before Vander took him in and those were some dark times. Dark times he keeps to himself.)

As you reach out and connect with the others outside of Mylo you and Claggor hit it off well. Claggor bonds with you the second fastest of the mini gang. Your friendship really starts after he hears Mylo mention the 50/50 steal deal (something that had long become an inside joke and wasn't actually real amymore) and cuffs the back of his head rolling his eyes. He promises you that you don't have to do such a thing and explains you all share your scores equally and that Mylo's just playfully hazing you and acting like top dog. You already knew that but knowing Claggor has your back and doesn't want you scammed is nice.

Claggors not someone you'd ever want to cross. He's the nicest and most cuddly out of the group and will go out of his way to make you feel comfy in the otherwise crowded and sometimes uncontrollable house. If you feel like your about to cry or you need a hug after a stressful job he's the best person to go to because he'll always know how to make you feel better. It's just what he's good at. He's an amazing listener and when your too choked up or scared to talk about it he'll sit with you in silence or tell you comforting stories until you feel better.

He swaps books and carpenting tips with you. The kid enjoys having someone with similar talents to him. Having two pairs of hands to fix things up is way better than him taking on the bulk of that kind of work from Vander. Claggor in his freetime loves to read and having someone else who's fascinated with books makes him happy. He often tells the group stories and acts out the books he's reading so if you help him do voices and characters he'll love you forever.

Claggors a fixer, a problem solver. A heavy hitter and lifter. He's a doer who fixes things and finds out the solutions to problems. He's contantly watching Vander work (similar to you) so he can learn from him. He takes in all the information from what he sees and reads and stores it. A walking encyclopedia of facts he may not look it but he's sharp as a knife. If you'd teach him a thing or two that you've learned about patching things up in the streets he'd be really grateful. Any new tips or tricks that make the job easier or sturdier are the way to win his heart.

Claggor bless his heart is a giver and peace maker. He doesn't like throwing a punch unless he has too and god in the lanes you usually have too. At mealtime he tends to get the most because he's the biggest but if you look hungry or he notices you haven't been eating as much to give to the others he'll slip you some of his food. He has a very open soft spot for you. Claggor also keeps a storage of snacks hidden in the wall next to his bed so if you ever have a really bad day he'll sneak you a treat as he comforts you about whatever it is. He does the same with the others but it still feels nice to know you'll always have him watching out for you.

Powder is shy around a lot of people but she opens up once she realizes your also interested in some of the things she likes. She looks up to you unlike mean Mylo as she calls him. She'll pull you away from him and ask you to hang out. She asks you questions about your skills and for stories and what your past on the streets was like. When she's not asking questions and listening she tells you all about her inventions and big ideas. She opens up to you about things she feels she can't tell Vi when the both of you are alone and as she doodles she'll explain these complicated machines she wants to build someday.

She loves when you play with her hair and do the little braids that she likes for her. You'll give her a doll or some toy you made to play with as you brush and do her hair in that way she likes. Violets not very good at girly things so she appreciates the help and Powder likes looking pretty. When Vi's busy you and Vander are the first people Powder seek out. You spend most of your days entertaining and playing with the girl. When you have chores around the bar she follows you around enjoying your company and talking to you as work. You let her go pretty much whenever you do in Vanders bar but you don't let her follow you when you do private business in the Undercity. She gets pouty but you always bring her and the others something so they know your thinking of them.

One day you dissapear without notice again after hearing one of her crazy ideas and she thinks it's her fault and that she scared you off. She cries all day having a massive breakdown thinking you ran away until you come back that night covered in grease and oil and some light cuts. You have a large sack bag full of spare parts and peices from Piltover. Gears. Cogs. Springs. Broken but salvageable clocks. Inner-workings from various discarded machines. Pipes. And crayons. Expensive oil ones. You stayed in the shadows and scrounged in the Academy's garbage to find her what she needed because she deserved to have big dreams and the materials to make those dreams happen. The crayons may have been snatched off some Academy students desk. Your sure they won't miss them.

Violet respects you in a way she didn't know she could after that. The best way to win her over is to win her sister over and Powder is absolutley gaga over you. She looks up to you and Vi and is always trying to make inventions and gagets to impress you both. You begin receving a lot of crayon art from the young girl thanks to your little gift and your bunk bed wall is now covered in lock picking techniques Mylo taught you, book passages from Claggor that you've written out, and drawings and invention sketches Powder made you. You keep all these things in a neat order in your space so the other kids see how much you care about them and their gifts.

Vi's surprised when you grab her arm one day. You gently pull her into the bathroom and she lets you. You wet your hands and dry them before you carefully unwrap her bloody bandages. Washing her hands and knuckles you get the dirt out of her cuts and really clean her wound before gently rubbing some tummerik you swiped from a vendor on them. It stings a bit but her knuckles do feel better. The pink around her hand fades and you take cleaner bandages out of your pocket before rewrapping her knuckles. You tell her if she ever feels her hands hurt come to you and you'll get her something to help.

The first time you go to their little hangout is like a right of passage. You've been at Vanders for maybe a couple months and they want you to know your welcome and really one of them. Walking in there's all sorts of cool things to do and interesting stuff they've stored here. Powders excited to show off her ball shooting skills and moving target machines while Mylos excited to show you some of his more complicated lock pick collection and practice locks. Claggor stores books and manuals down here that you haven't read yet and he proudly shows them off too you. Meawhile when you have a moment to catch your breath, Vi throws some taped up gloves at you and challenges you to her boxing machine. You have a good time learning more about them in the most relaxed setting you've ever been at and as your about to leave to follow them to their favorite food stall you pause as you see a new kid poking his head in.

They introduce you to Ekko and invite the squirt along to get food. He walks next to you with wide eyes asking you all sorts of questions as Powder clings to one arm and he clings to the other. Apprentally Vanders told Benzo a lot and since he works for him he's heard about you and had been trying to catch you for awhile. Powder brags about you while the others fill in any gaps she leaves and tell Ekko all sorts of cool stories about you. You get flustered at the attention but they insist you deserve it.

Your first time at Jerrikos is possibly the best day of your life. As you wolf down food with your new family you can't understand how you hadn't gone to this stall before or met these amazing people. As you all pay a few coins and share and swap things you try not to spit out your food from how hard they make you laugh.

Your an official sibling now and despite being in the middle the kids start coming up to you when they have a problem and Vanders busy. Powder mentions her bomb won't work and you suggest adding a pinch more gunpowder and lightening the nail load to make it more likley to go off. Mylo says he can't keep his shoes from falling apart and you glue the soles before taping and nailing the back to reconstruct them. Claggor mentions a soreness in his joints and you advise him to stand in the kitchens for a minute next to the steam and just breathe it in to loosen him up as well as put some aloe vera pulp on his shoulders. Violet comes to you with what might be a broken finger and you give her ice to chew on before you splint it carefully. When there's a problem they know they can count on you and ask for your advice to help them.

You always have an answer for everything. Headache? Press their hand to their forehead and close their eyes, if that doesn't work rub the meat between their thumb and fore finger. If it's a migraine either dip their feet in ice water for about a moment than wait or drink some coffee if Vander has any around. Have a sore throat or feeling a cold/fever come on? Drink a shot of warm lemon juice and gargle some salt water to clear the throat. Little things like that your always able to help with. Apprentally nursing and medicine are one of your other skills.

Vander is so proud of you and the kids for accepting you. He's a busy man with many responsibilities but he always tries to make time for his family with family dinners and checking in during his small breaks. He pulls you aside one day and asks how your doing and adjusting. He's glad to hear you feel comfortable and that the others are so kind to you. He's glad they've initiated you into their little gang and after a talk to catch up he lets you go.

You scrap up and fix things to help the family and make everyone's lifes easier. Your love languae is gift giving and people giving you words of affirmation. Every time you get a compliment from your new family you light up and work twice as hard so you can show them their compliment meant something to you. You've never had a lot but now in a safe place to keep your stuff you begin accumulating more things as well as more time to advance your skills. You make cushions for Vanders bar so people no longer sit on hard wood and you better insulate your guyses room so it doesn't get as cold at night. You make stuffed animals when you have enough scrap clothe and toys like spinner tops or ball in cup for everyone to play with. Your as clever as they come and you try to help your new family in any way possible. You just want to be helpful.

Ekko adores you after that time at Jerrikos and now that your apart of the family. Whenever you have to go to Benzos for something Vander needs he trails after you asking questions about the gang and how your doing. You often have little trinkets for him that you and Powder made and he gets excited to receive the gifts you make him. He also just enjoys your company finding your presense soothing. He becomes like your little brother and much like Powder quickly becomes attached. He tells you all about his ideas and invites you to do jumping contests with him on the trampolines in your clubhouse.

He's a smart kid who's as quick witted as they come. He picks up on things like you do and masters things as long as he has some guidance. Your very proud of him just like Jinx and you always let him know that. His ideas are important to you and you always make sure to keep a note in your head about what he's curentully working on. You love hearing about his newest theories and the gossip he picks up working at Benzos.

You care about your family alot. You mostly do solo jobs and sometimes leave to handle your business alone but you always make sure they get a share. It's been a long time since you've had a family but now that you have one you'll do anything to protect it.

[fanimesenseiwrites]

Things the MC would bring back to their demon bois from the mortal realm:

Lucifer:

MC goes to second hand stores and vintage shops always on the look out for vinyl records that they think Lucifer would like.

Most of the time they try and bring back stuff he'd actually like, such as Tchaikovsky or Vivaldi

Once, they brought back Stravinsky's Firebird Suite and Lucifer wouldn't stop kissing them (once they were in the privacy of his room of course)

Sometimes the MC will bring back more modern music just because it makes them think of him

"I dunno, I just listen to Hozier and think of you"

Lucifer doesn't like all the modern music they bring back but he appreciates the sentiment just the same

Then there's the gag gifts...

Any kind of music that has a reference to the devil or Satan or hell is fair game

These gifts usually elicit an eye roll from the eldest brother but he keeps them all the same

This is why Lucifer owns a copy of "The Devil Went Down To Georgia"

So when MC brings back a copy of Giuseppe Tartini's Violin Sonata in G minor, they're a little surprised at Lucifer's delighted reaction

"You know, I was the one who visited Tartini in his dreams."

MC's mind = blown.

"Also, this copy is cursed. I know you know how much I enjoy cursed vinyls."

"I- wait... What?!"

MC is very upset that they had a cursed vinyl in their possession this whole time

Mammon:

This boy loves stuff, and he loves MC, so he's gonna love any gift really

But MC knows he loves treasure and jewels and as much as they'd love to just bring him back nice watches and jewelery...

MONEY IS A THING, AND MC IS NOT MADE OF IT.

So MC settles for semi-precious stones instead

They always find fun and beautiful stones at museums and those metaphysical stores and they always pick out one that reminds them of Mammon

They're really nervous when they give him his first gift

"Hey, I got this for you and I know it's not fancy or expensive but I saw it and thought of you and I just wanted you to have it."

Mammon will love them until they die. He is really just so touched that MC thought of him. He'll try and play it cool though

He totally fails. MC won't tell him that though

MC brings him Lapis Lazuli and tells him it reminded them of his eyes and Mammon is now a puddle of lovesick goo on the floor

Mammon puts more shelves in his room dedicated to all the gifts MC gives him

One time MC brings him back some fool's gold in a teeny little jar on a chain, so that he can wear it

"Fool's gold? Why cuz I'm a fool?" Mammon asks with a roll of his eyes.

"What? No, cuz I'm a fool for you."

Mammon only love MC until they die? WRONG.

He's gonna love them forever now

He was gonna do that anyways

Leviathan:

C'mon, this boy is easy. Anime/manga stuff and TSL. Need I say more?

At first he'll be suspicious of MC wanting to give him gifts, but once they've convinced him that they're doing it out of the kindness of their heart he's really touched

The first thing the MC brings him is a pen with a little Ruri-Chan on the end of it

"I know it's not much, but I just happened to see it and I knew you'd like it"

Like it??????

HE LOVES IT! HE'S OVER THE GODDAMM MOON.

He's never seen anything like this in the Devildom and he doesn't think about the small stuff usually because he's too busy trying to get the big collectors edition items. So he actually really loves this.

MC continues to bring him cute small stuff like buttons and keychains and Levi loves them all.

His favorite item(s) that MC brought him is a pair of Lord of Shadows and Henry BFF enamel pins

He definitely tackle hugged MC when he got them

He gives the Lord of Shadows pin back to MC so they can each have one and show off their BFF status with them

Satan:

MC loves going to second-hand bookstores to shop for Satan.

Satan also appreciates new books, but there's something special about how his face lights up when he finds something old or rare. Anything with a little bit of history to it.

Of course, finding rare books for not a lot of money is a rare event in itself

So a safe bet is to bring Satan non-fiction, the boy loves to learn

But he really loves it when MC puts thought into finding fiction books that he would like

"I just really feel like you'd like Dean Koontz so I brought you one of my favorites by him."

Satan loves those gifts the most because he can talk to MC about the books afterwards

Satan's absolute favourite gift is a leather bound copy of Arabian Nights though

"I was thinking we could read this one together"

"Like you read it to me and pretend to be Scheherazade?" Satan suggests.

MC is flustered at the connotation of the suggestion but agrees anyways

The time they spend together reading that story will forever be one of Satan's favorite memories

Asmodeus:

He's a little harder to shop for than the MC had originally imagined

They tried bringing him make-up and skin care, which Asmo always graciously accepted, but he never seemed super excited about the gifts

But what else is to be expected from the guy who already uses only the best products?

MC suddenly gets an idea when they send Asmo a selfie of them at the park

- OMG! You're so cute! And the background is pretty too!-

MC starts dressing up and going to nice and beautiful places just with the intention of taking pictures

Botanical Gardens, museums, downtown skylines, anything that would make for a good picture

MC goes full on aesthetic art hoe just for Asmo

Only the best pictures get sent to Asmo

Asmo is LIVING for the looks their MC is serving up

- You are absolutely STUNNING! I'm in awe at these AMAZING pictures-

MC makes a scrapbook of the best pictures to give to Asmo the next time they see him

Asmo loves it and keeps it on display in his room always

Also, Asmo definitely makes MC their personal photographer after seeing the wonderful shots they took

Beelzebub:

Obviously, the boy loves food. He's always down to try new snacks from the mortal realm.

But MC wonders if there's something better that they could bring him

One day MC is at GNC for supplements for themself when they notice the workout supplements and get an idea

They grab some fun flavored protein powder and some BCAAs and a really nice shaker bottle just for Beel

Beel is actually really excited to get these gifts!

The Devildom doesn't have fun flavors of protein powder and the shaker bottle is such a great idea!

MC always brings new flavors of protein back for Beel, doing their best to find the weirdest flavors for him to try

Beel's favorite is definitely Birthday Cake.

MC starts bringing him new stuff to try too, protein bars, recovery supplements, collagen, and superfoods shakes

Beel tries everything and tells MC what their favorites are

"I love the BCAAs, I just wish the Devildom had them..." *sad Beel noises*

MC may or may not talk to Diavolo about researching BCAAs and getting them produced and sold in the Devildom

The supplements MC brings actually help Beel with his workouts and to control his hunger (a little)

Beel actually gets hotter??? Who knew that was possible???

MC definitely takes advantage of Beel's new 8-pack 😏😏😏

Belphegor:

What do you get the boy who only wants to sleep?

MC has gotten him stuffed animals and blankets and even a couple of nice pillows, but nothing seems to excite him

... but maybe that's just his personality??

It's not until MC accidentally leaves a sweater in the Devildom, that they figure it out

- You left your sweater down here- Belphie texts MC.

- Oh no, I'll just get when I come to visit y'all again-

- That's fine. I like having something that smells like you-

And the light bulb went off in MC's head.

Every time MC goes to visit they leave a shirt or sweater behind for Belphie, so that he can have something that smells like them.

Belphie loves how MC smells, its like a sweet dream all the time. It helps him sleep better when they're gone.

Belphie starts to complain when MC is gone longer than the item they left smells like them

(Which is every time)

So MC will start leaving Belphie more than one item, packing them in airtight bags so he can use them one after another until they return

Belphie can and will fight anyone who tries to take MC's clothing

"Mammon, you have two seconds to put that sweater back or I will kill you."

And Lucifer probably won't stop him

Diavolo:

He's honestly the easiest to please.

He's so fascinated with any thing that humans do that he'll enjoy any gift from the human world.

MC's first gift to him is a rubber duck.

"The duck is wearing a crown so it made me think of you and I just thought it was cute."

"I love it! What's its purpose?"

"Uh... to float around in the bathtub with you and look cute?"

"Isn't that what you're for?"

Diavolo loves the rubber duck so much it gets his own silk pillow to rest on when it's not taking a bath with Diavolo.

MC brings him cute pens, and keychains sometimes bottles of wine if the bottle is cute.

"The bottle is shaped like a cat! Isn't that delightful?!"

MC's proudest moment was when they found a full and intact tea set at the thrift store

Diavolo immediately fell in love with it.

He insists on only using that set when having tea with MC

But his favorite gift will always be the rubber duck.

Barbatos:

He'll insist that he doesn't need any gifts but that won't stop the MC.

MC is with him in the kitchen in the Demon Lord's Palace when they get an idea.

KITCHEN TOYS.

Barbatos works so hard, he deserves some things to make his life easier and liven up the bland kitchen

MC's first gift is a vegetable spiralizer.

"You use it to turn zucchini and squash and the like into noodles so that you can do fun stuff with vegetables!"

Barbatos accepts it graciously, but he'll probably never use it.

MC brings him spices from the mortal realm and Barbatos actually really loves those.

When MC brings him a food processor, he offers to cook for them right then and there

Despite all the weird gadgets MC ends up bringing him, and there are plenty out there, Barbatos's favorite is a ladle that looks like a stegosaurus.

It's far more whimsical than anything he would've ever picked out, and he'll never use it, but only because he's afraid of ruining it, not because he doesn't love it.

At some point, Barbatos does ask MC to stop bringing him kitchen gadgets

"Why? Do you not like them?" MC asks with a pout.

"I appreciate all of them, but I have everything I need when you're in the kitchen with me."

If MC wasn't already in love with him they are now

Smooth bastard just doesn't want anymore shit in his kitchen

[smalltownfae]

Book Review: “Hogfather” by Terry Pratchett

Rating: 5/5

Title: Hogfather

Author: Terry Pratchett

Pages: 432

Review:

This is now my favourite Discworld book so far. Never before did I read one that made me feel so emotional. This book is funny, has fantastic characters, a great plot and a lot of heart. It’s beautiful! 

In this entry of the Discworld series, Death is doing the job of the Hogfather (Discworld’s Santa Claus) since an assassin was hired to make him disappear. Death provides a very realistic commentary on what Christmas is and what it should be. He has the help of Albert and their interactions are comedic gold. Besides the character of Death, that is one of the most brilliant and endearing characters ever, there’s also Susan, his grandaughter, Teatime, a very over the top mad assassin, Ridcully, a silly wizard, and many more.

One thing I love about Sir Pratchett’s writing is the subtle emotional aspects related to every character. He gives very little information now and then and yet lets the readers understand how a certain character’s past was like and why they think a certain way in the present. There is a lot sprinkled in about the difficult way Susan feels about her grandfather and about Nobby and Alfred’s childhoods, for example. I didn’t notice this as much in the books I read before in the series because the comedy and commentary always seemed to be at the forefront, but this one really made me feel for the characters.

This was my introduction to Susan because I haven’t read “Soul Music” yet and I loved her! She is one of the best Discworld characters so far. I love her line “don’t get scared, get angry”. She is the best babysitter and she sees and treats Teatime like he deserves - as if he was a child acting like a super villain. I love no nonsense female characters and Susan is almost at the same level as Granny Weatherwax.

Teatime (pronounced Teh-ah-tim-eh) is my favourite Discworld villain so far. He is so cartoonishly over the top, but he does kill some people quickly in a way that makes him still a bit scary.

The book has some surprising creepy scenes even if the comedy and clever moments are what stand out the most. 

YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES. "So we can believe the big ones?" YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING. "They're not the same at all!" YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET—Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME...SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED. "Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point—" MY POINT EXACTLY.”

This is the best Christmas book ever and if you haven’t read it, you should. It’s not that long and it’s so easy to keep reading due to the interesting plot and the absence of chapters.

[rouiyan]

𝘉𝘓𝘜𝘌 𝘞𝘖𝘙𝘓𝘋 [ 𝘯.𝘫𝘮 ]

⧏ restart at prologue || redirect to playlist ⧐

synopsis — this is how you fall in love.

✧ na jaemin x (fem.) reader, strangers to lovers, college au, next door neighbor au.

✧ genres — the usual fluff to angst to fluff. word count — 16.8k!

✧ disclaimers — profanity, mentions of food, illegal and legal (u.s.) alcohol consumption, peer pressure, parental apathy, insinuations of sex and sexual activities, quarantine depression, people not wearing masks / not social distancing, a sexist middle-aged man, violence in the form of physical and instrumental aggression, minor hospitalization. nothing sexually explicit whatsoever.

✧ author’s note — with this piece released, i can finally say that i’ve peaked. the whole five month, on and off, writing process was worth it every step of the way and i know that it shows in the quality of writing. little miss ree is back at it again! as always, fix yourself a cup of tea and get toasty in the sheets because this one might just fuck you up. 

✧ 01 — WHO IS THAT GIRL I SEE?  ( ~ STARING STRAIGHT BACK AT ME ~ )

you fail to understand how a second-year psychology major and a first-year business major could possibly share a class, even though the class in question is 'chinese culture i.' yet, you know it for truth when the girl who's taken the seat to your left nudges you by the elbow and decides that, "isn't he hot?" is the most fitting line to start up a friendship. it also comes to your knowledge that the only reason she'd said that was because you were quite unashamedly studying the leather-clad back of the boy seated two rows down and three seats to the right. 

folding your hands together brings a decisive end to your unrequited staring contest and the girl beside you retrieves her laptop from the powder pink sleeve she had tucked under her arm. the side glance you point her way emanates in apprehension as you watch the girl set a disposable starbucks cup, large in size, beside her powering-on macbook. the napkin wrapped around the cup clings to the sweat of the ice cold caramel frappuccino (with extra whipped cream piled on top) and just like that, you decide that whoever she may be, she isn't your cup of tea. still, tolerating her is your best bet at making friends on your first day of the newest chapter of your life.

you rush to turn on your own computer as she clacks in her ridiculously long password with those ridiculously long acrylics that, evidently, she's let grow out for far too long. what you assume to be the middle finger of her right hand pokes at the enter button with resounding finality and you turn towards her as she speaks again, her tone seeped within a sigh. "man, i missed him."

that's when you learn that the girl beside you, whose name is soojin as you also learn, is a year older than you while jaemin, your next door neighbor and designated campus 'hottie,' is two years older. "he took a gap year," she explains with very distinct gesticulations that has her fake fingernails all up in your face. you don't bat an eye the whole while. if anything, you're almost accustomed to her strong demeanor and aren't nearly as surprised as you should be when she asks you to accompany her to a party later in the day. the party that'd become your first official college-status party.

it's loud and it's gross and it's everything that pop culture's made it out to be. soojin introduces you to all her girl friends that all have the same baby tees, the same lashes from the same boutique, and a month-old manicure. their skirts are small, their dresses short, which only further confirms what you'd came prepared for because there you are, in a tiny tiny dress, downing burning shots of alcohol mixtures and sticking your chest out as you toss your head back to laugh at some dumb, made-up story that your new friend, haeun, has been drunkenly prattling on about for the last twenty minutes. you fit in perfectly, and as terrible as it sounds, you've never felt more relieved in your life.

one by one, the girls get picked up and thrown over the shoulders of angry boyfriends or some gruff-looking senior that needs a quick fuck upstairs. none of them display any sort of objection and in fact, it almost seems like they were waiting for it. like the whole night, they've been rooted in their one spot on the arm of the couch, or the corner of the coffee table, eye-fucking some man across the room until he became fed up enough with his own stationary position by the drink's table and came to scoop her up for their routinely intercourse, the nicest way to put it. 

and even though your unexperienced self has certainly not been eye-fucking anyone from your position on the floor, there's a certain degree of expectancy that comes with simply being around them when you feel a tap on your shoulder from behind, the same expectancy that diminishes with jaemin's sober eyes that come into view as you turn. he holds a hand out and you take it, feathers flaunting in pride when hoots and hollers arise from the select few girls that remain, none of which you personally know.

taking his hand, he yanks you towards him with a surprising amount of force that contradicts the patient smile he's sporting. such force that he's employed has you almost instinctively pushing him in retaliation when he leans and whispers, low and steady and right above your ear, "why are you on the floor? it's dirty and half your ass is out."

you object, but only verbally because you let him tug you along, "and why is that any of your business?" it takes a few minutes of inebriated steps through the throng of sweltering bodies for you to realize that he's headed for the door.

you're seated on the front steps, eyes trailing his every move as he busies with shrugging his blue-wash denim jacket from his shoulders and tossing it across your own, as he folds in the right of his shirt that's lifted from its tuck, and as he lowers himself down onto the spot beside you. only then does he give a response to the question you'd asked earlier, and even then, it's half-hearted, "because...because you're gonna get yourself into something you don't want to be in if you keep acting like that."

reiterating, "and why would that be anything of your concern?"

jaemin leans back on both his palms, eyes flickering to the street before him and then to his side. the long glance he's subjected you to sends shudders down your spine and before you can follow through with complying to your desires and slipping away from his presence, he relents, "fine. it's not my problem and maybe i shouldn't have dragged you out here to tell you stuff that you clearly don't wanna hear," and you agree with his words, but only up until then for he goes on to say, "but y/n, i don't like seeing you stoop so low for attention. and i'd hate it if you got fucked by some fly you attracted with that ass of yours, especially since it's your first day of colle—"

"and especially since the way i present myself and the way i want to live my life has absolutely nothing to do with you." 

he shuts up at that, mouth closing before it attracts any flies of its own. you return the long glance you were given but replace the patronizingly patient smile with a scowl that's apparent as day in the flickering porch light. ripping your eyes from his hardened and frankly unreadable gaze, you click your tongue before stamping your heel to stand and, ignoring the slight sways your body has incorporated into its motor functions, you take your leave with no thought of how to get home; the party you'd just ditched had been hosted at some suburban house in the outskirts of the downtown district, meaning you don't even know where you are, to be exact.

your uber arrives around the time that you've completed your third lap around a nearby park, skin at the backs of both ankles bleeding and staining the sheeny nude of your new heels. the slam that you've shut the door with says much about your irritated state of mind. picking at the skin around your nails, you sneer at the thought of your hand in his, you regard his words with a heart full of contempt, and whatever considerate pointers he thought he gave with good intentions were painted with the same scowl that's yet to leave your face.

you don't bother to look in the direction of the gold '401' that gleams only a few feet away from your '402' on the wall. even the image of his front door lights a fitful of sour expressions that you're met with in the reflection. you watch the girl in the mirror slip off her heels and kick them to the side. you watch as she stares right back at you with these circles that hang from her eyes; they droop further the longer you stare. you watch as she rakes a few fingers through her disheveled hair, brushes a few fingers across where her mascara's been smudged. she's not nearly on the brink of tears but you fear that she couldn't seem any sadder, more disappointed in what she's come to see in herself.

head failing to hold its weight, she chunks through her thoughts like an algorithm chunks through probabilities. it's puzzling, what is it that has her feeling so warm in the coldest hour of night? is it the faux fur rug that splays beneath her bare bruised feet? the close walls of her studio entrance caging her breaths? the overhanging light that casts her shadow long?

straining her neck upright to catch a final glimpse of the girl in the mirror, she remembers with a part of her lips and the easing of the crease that knit her brows. she remembers the blue-wash denim jacket that hangs safe on her shoulders, keeping her warm in the coldest hour of night.

✧ 02 — GOOD MORNING, CATNIP

it's a habit garnered over time for jaemin to purchase a fair-sized bouquet of flowers once a week. he despises the romanticization of reserving flowers for a lover—though one might argue that he himself is the embodiment of romanticization—and so he gifts them to himself. he is his own lover, if you will. this week procures a simple bouquet of white gardenias girdled with bundles of baby's breath. he'd chosen it for himself, head ducking the questioning gaze of the granny at the register. with the curious amalgam of trust and compassion in hand, he pulls tight at the bow of rough twine that holds the stems and the newspaper scrappings in place. tucking the blooms under an arm, he leans into the door to his next stop of the morning, the bell tinkering as it falls shut behind him.

jaemin buys himself a stick of salted butter and a loaf of sliced focaccia bread, the one with pockets of cheddar garlic that the corner bodega sells as a wednesday special. he knows well enough that he's the first customer of the morning, he always is, but as he collects the change that's slid across the counter, head turning to the door with his body soon to follow, he's surprised to see that the second is already upon entering. 

he's even more surprised to see that it's you. jaemin finds himself loitering for a bit, the coins and the stick of butter now jostling in the front pocket of his sweatshirt as his arms see to a bouquet of flowers and a loaf of bread, each to each. petulantly, he tails behind you, close enough to be distinguished as company yet more than a wingspan of distance from your heels. you're not nearly as mad at jaemin as you let on, the frustrations blew over after a night of mitigating sleep that'd soothed your drunken temper. perhaps you were only so riled up that night because of how inebriated you barely recall to have been, you don't know, you didn't think about it much, but you put on a face of impassivity if only to mess with him.

turning back around, you reach for a packaged sandwich without much mind, ears perking as the boy from beside speaks up in your silence. "i like your outfit," is what he says and you halt in your actions, eyes stilling where they had been skimming the nutrition facts with feigned interest. briefly (though it doesn't elude his attention), you glance down at the thin midi skirt you've paired with a weeks-unwashed cornflower blue hoodie, scrunching your nose at the visible tea stain at the hem. your laconic, "thank you," should have been enough to ward off whatever else he was set to throw your way but he only furthers, "apologies, i should have said 'good morning' first," to which you find yourself suppressing a chuckle to.

wary, you set the sandwich down and reach for a bottled yogurt drink in its stead, one you recognize from your hometown mart and the one you were initially here to buy upon noticing it during your first grocery run after moving. jaemin moves along the aisle as you pick up and set down various items, all of which you do not intend to purchase. coming to a half in front of the wall of alcoholic beverages at the back of the shop, you ignore the baffled look he's sure to be sporting before acquiescing to his unsaid questions with an answer that satisfies none of them, "good morning to you too."

the modern times, fruitlands canned beer catches your eye, it's the one your crazy cool aunt always brings to family gatherings and you almost reach for it before a lurking employee rounds the corner and you're reminded that at your age, the most you can do is stare. jaemin, on the other hand, has had enough of stifling his own chuckle and it emits right as you reroute to the neighboring snack aisle. he lingers back for a moment, allows himself the pleasure of smiling back when you peer in questioning over the separating shelves. that in itself is enough to forefend whatever tensions had been brewing between the two of you.

jaemin's chin is just above your shoulder, peering over as you check out. the beverage and the two bags of chips total to seven dollars and you pay with a ten whilst the boy from behind rushes to get to the exit first. but upon realizing that he lacked the hands needed to pull the door open, you willingly accept his flower arrangement with your own extra hand. (laziness had overcame and cajoled you to slip another dollar for a plastic bag to carry everything.) a light breeze picks up the second you're out the door, jaemin in tow, and pivoting halfway brings you and him face to face with a hand outstretched to return the bouquet. 

he almost accepts it just as willingly as you had, an arm had already made it a third of the way, before his mouth decisively takes lead. jaemin shakes his head, hand falling back down to his side and the beginnings of a smile taking place, "keep it." 

maybe it would've been more polite to attempt refusing the offer at least once, a greater show of gratitude than the minimal, "okay," that you've responded with. at this point, you've long forgotten that your allotted play on impassivity has came and went with the tides of your exchange. it's now that you leave it behind.

jaemin finds himself hastening to press the crosswalk button for the two of you every time you come to a halt at an intersection; he chalks it up to your full hands. jaemin thinks that if the sidewalk congestion were to pick up anytime soon, he would have to sidle over and sling an arm around your shoulder; he chalks it up to not wanting to lose you in such a crowd. and when jaemin sees his (and your) apartment complex coming into view not a block away, he finds himself wishing that he'd never pressed the crosswalk buttons at all, if just to spend a few more seconds listening to you blather on about your introductory accounting class (you seem to have much to say about how much you despise the professor already). 

and when his front door clicks shut behind him, jaemin feels that he's only now starting to appreciate how the walls are paper thin, for not a second after he hears your own door shut, you've hit what sounds to be a set of drawers or the leg of a chair, and the strained wail you give is enough to get him smiling like a dumbfounded, though very besotted, idiot.

what little he knows of you has him strung high, held at the nape by the hands of something he knows he has no control over. unfortunate, for jaemin falls so easily, clumsily, as if he'd seen it coming and had already outstretched his arms in anticipation of hitting the cold, unforgiving ground with full force. it's unfortunate because to him, you're like catnip. and he might just play around with you until he loses interest.

✧ 03 — SWEET, DAINTY, AND READY TO STOMP ON PATRIARCHY

your eyes have been open for far too long, you're convinced of that with how your contacts seem to be dry plastered to the surface. this girl, mina, has half her weight upon you and you struggle to keep her upright as you fish for your phone with an unoccupied left hand. breaking out into open night, you find the metal and uncased back of your phone fares far colder than the streaks of wind that curl their way around your unclothed (for the most part, sheesh) legs.

the uber you've called comes in fourteen minutes and in that time, you've righted the girl upon your other side so that your right hand could handle the situation with a more practiced dexterity. mina's no longer mumbling incoherently, now that the door's shut behind you and the driver's swerved onto the crammed main road; it seems that the sudden breaks and acceleration of the nightly traffic have lulled her to sleep.

heedful of the lingering gazes that the driver, male and middle-aged, subjects you to from his angle of the rearview mirror, something inside you desperately wishes that you were the one that was asleep. you turn away, forfeiting the will to voice your unease at the brink of exhaustion.

your forehead pressed into the car window is bound to leave a nasty oil mark. you've sweated all night, toiled, labored to keep that silly smile on your face. and for every smile, smirk, wink you gave in the duration of the night, you now repent with a frown, groan, sigh through the early morning hours. 

here in the backseat, you gather the fragments of what tonight has left you and looking carefully, you realize there isn't much. your body feels as heavy as it feels light and at the core of your stomach knots a rabble of dead butterflies that once flew free. when the driver comments on your appearance, a tacky pickup line in tow, you give him a nod and a mumbled thank you. there isn't anything in you that's willing to put up a fight for you've already been at odds with yourself all night long.

you drag mina all the way into her sheets though you know she won't remember enough to offer you a bare thank you, much less remember who you are. having to strangle her drunk and resistant self into bed made it so as you returned back outside the dorm, the driver had already took off despite how 'sweet and dainty' he thought you looked. slipping your heels off, you walk back to your apartment in your itty-bitty skirt, paying no mind to the whistlers and hollerers that so often preyed upon 'sweet, dainty' young girls after dark.

your phone is on silent, you've made sure of it, but that doesn't stop the incessant lighting of your screen as notification after notification surfaces. so-and-so tagged you in a post, so-and-so dm-ed you, follow request, liked your post, liked your post, added you into here and mentioned you here. you get drunk on the thought of being in the limelight, yet you're drowned in isolation the moment you sober up. and on nights like these, as frequent as they have come to be, you seek after your consolation on the rusted grail of your fire escape, adjacent of a certain someone's.

"you're still up at this hour?"

"yes."

"do you have class tomorr—today?"

"yes."

and then hesitantly… "did you have fun tonight?"

"no."

jaemin takes your monosyllables with an eyeful of surmise. he doesn't push it and hopes his solidarity is just as much present in his silence. if anything, the way you've lowered your back down onto the upper steps of your fire escape tells much of your reluctance to converse with him. that is his belief for you to contradict. "jaemin?"

"yes?"

spangled upon the cleavage you've left for any and all eyes to feast upon are a disco-balled assemblage of lights, filtered through the grated slats of the upper steps you were lain below. he thinks you look lovely this way, scintillating though shadowed, raw though clothed. jaemin keeps the thoughts to himself, holding his breath to remind him that they aren't for you to hear and only for him to think.

jaemin might faint in the tight guard of his breaths for the fabrication of your own thoughts into words comes slow, as anything might in the hour of four. the streets below hold only two or three streams of vehicles, the moon takes her time traversing from one end of the earth to the other, and as languidly as you can, you place the words in your mouth one by one. 

"i'm lonely as fuck."

swallowing, you prop yourself up on your elbows to gain leverage with your combating inner voices by means of his encouraging eyes, affectionate eyes. in the split second between your last and next word, you decide that you like his eyes, or at least the way he looks at you with them. the instilled sense of belonging that comes with meeting them with your own.

"but why is it that some people only make me feel lonelier instead of...accompanied?"

jaemin lets his resumed breaths even out before venturing for an answer. he could say many things. 'because you get along with some people more than others,' or 'because not everyone can provide the presence that you need,' or 'because you just aren't associating yourself with the right people' but he finds that none of them really encapsulate the situation at hand. he barely knows you, what can he possibly say that you would take to heart any more than the first three pinterest-derived quotes that come up when you key in the same question you just asked?

so he lets the reinstated evenness of his breaths predicate the wanderings of his mind, trusting that his offerings could hold some, any worth in the haggard sighs you've been concealing all the while. he trusts that he has something, anything that he could use to comfort you, though your ailments unbeknownst and his means yet to be discovered. jaemin rides on intuition when he peers past the fog that screen between his thoughts and his vision to see that you've thrown your sights elsewhere, distractedly, indolently. 

and so he starts, "look at me."

you comply.

"y/n, tell me about you."

"what?"

"tell me all about you, i wanna know everything."

"why d- what do you mean by everything?"

jaemin doesn't mean to smile. but what choice does he have when he's the object of your attention? really, it only widens as he rambles on, gesticulations in hand, "just like...you, you and your lucky number, and your least favorite food, and the color you like to see most in the sky, and— and, i don't know, which of your parents you secretly like better."

"i— uhh okay. uhm," you've since forgoed the use of your elbows, sitting up attentively as you retrace the list he'd given. "my lucky number's four," you count it off with a finger, "i hate eating anything orange," another finger, "and uhh, i think blue looks nice, just blue," a third finger, "and as for my parents," your hand drops, "i don't know." you utter the last with such sureness that contradicts the unsure nature of the words itself. 

jaemin knows, but he doesn't push it, "fine by me." and your eyes make their way back to his. they're lined in a sort of understanding and some other peculiarity you've yet to get a grasp on, perhaps that's why you like them so much. he muses now, a little something that everyone always puts out there, but he'd shrug at its frequency because he genuinely wishes to know. "what's your dream then?"

and as common a question it may be, its predecessors you've answered, your remnant tipsy and worn out state, and your ever-growing fondness for the boy has your brows furrowed in thought. you've no idea how you stumbled upon this specific of an answer to his inquiry — maybe it really is a dream of yours that you've unearthed in this unprecedented moment — and you find yourself drawling out your deliberations, laying them thinly before him, "my dream is to go dinnerware shopping with the love of my life."

jaemin has the gall to laugh, or what comes in the form of a chuckle cut short by a disapproving tilt of your head on your end. he collects himself and in the place of the laugh that barely sounded, jaemin deadpans, "really." and you've never been more diligent in clapping back, "yes really! i can't believe i told you my lifelong dream and you laugh."

he doesn't know what it is with him but that's the exact sentence that sets it off for good, his peals of laughter rippling full and warm in his chest and inciting a similar aftermath in your own disposition. first, it's the curve of a betraying corner of your lips. then, perhaps the other corner felt a little lonely. finally, your smile comes in full bloom. you wish it would stop there but with your smile comes jaemin's laugh and with his laugh comes a certain helplessness that has you laughing alongside him, cut clean of whatever composure had held you back in the first place.

insanity has it so that two people, one very much deranged and the other almost in the likes, squeeze on the steps of their neighboring fire escapes, basking in either the conjoined limbs of their laughter or in the light of the promising sun. and only when the sun begins to cast a shadow across the lines of your face does insanity give way to its own neighbor, love.

nimbly, you fiddle with the hem of your skirt, in wonderment of how that smile refused to make its way off your face as long as jaemin's remained on his. you shake your head at that and leave a thought for him to supply. 

"what was all that for?" 

and as if it were no wonder, he simply shrugs, "to accompany you."

✧ 04 — THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF ALL HUMAN GESTURES

soojin hands out dirty looks like it's her job to issue free coupons and it seems that on this fateful day, you're the designated recipient. to add to that, she doesn't bother to keep the hiss out of her voice when she...hisses, "why didn't you tell me you knew him?" to which you shrug, "i didn't think it mattered." her eyebrows must be in pain for how long they've stayed scrunched like that, though yours assume the same position when she takes hold of the cup in your hand, bringing it to her nose for a whiff.

the inner-workings of your mind sincerely wish that she doesn't take a sip; you'd hate for even a smidgen of her cherry red lipstick to stain where you'd be drinking from but to your relief, soojin merely places the cup back in your hand, a disdained glower taking shape as she mutters, "ugh, tea. no wonder he gave it to you." unwelcome, albeit brief, soojin exaggerates her point with a scene of fake gagging, stopping her tracks in bafflement as she watches you take a sip. "wha— why would you drink that?!"

you set it down on the table before she can slap it out of your hands (as you're sure she would). and complacently, you offer, "because it would be rude if i didn't at least make a show of drinking it." soojin nods at that — your complacency with her antics has yet to fail you — and begins to say something along the lines of a, "that's true, don't want to give him the wrong idea when he's sitting right there," when the professor barges in with ragged breaths to be reckoned with at an age like his.

the remnants of the tea have gone cold by the time class is about to come to a close, and past the time it does, there's none left. you glance up to an empty lecture hall, (soojin had ditched immediately after attendance was called), and you revert your eyes back onto your laptop screen, trying to tie up your notes with whatever last thoughts lingered. concentration turned to the max, the pattering of incessant typing masks the sound of steps that come your way and by the time you happen to notice, your laptop has been folded shut and you're in the midst of packing away your belongings.

"how was the tea?"

you almost swing your bag at him in surprise, "oh for fuck's sake jaemin! there's no need to creep up on me." sipping on the last third of his four shot espresso, he swallows whilst shooting you a bashful grin and nothing else. jaemin takes your backpack by its straps before you can even reach for it, the bashful grin waning to reveal more of a kind-eyed smile. "well..." you start, a few steps behind as he heads for the exit, "it was good, just how i like it."

neither of you ask or answer but the dialogue is written in the way he beckons you, one hand on the open door of his car and the other gesturing you inside. it's told soundlessly in the way you slip in with a smile instead of a 'thanks' and it's smeared all over the way he doesn't tell you a thing about where you're off to, if anywhere at all. 'is this a date?' you don't dare to question aloud. 'it's a date,' jaemin doesn't dare to audibly reply.

how else could you classify an outing to the local record shop with snail-shaped cinnamon rolls in hand? one second you're looking over a copy of a 1975 vintage a charlie brown christmas LP with mild interest and the next, it's in jaemin's right hand as the left hand reaches for his pocketed wallet and as his feet carry him towards the register. suddenly he's become deaf to your "no's" and your "i don't really need it's" which soon turn into "thank you's" and "i'll pay you back's." now tell me, how is this not a date?

you're humming along to some pop song the radio's blasting when jaemin pulls over alongside the curb of your shared apartment complex. while you're busying with your belongings, school bag and all, jaemin rushes over to your side of the car and tugs open the door for you, a very standard gentlemanly action on his part. you, contrarily, almost have the audacity to form a scoff, but your audacity falls forth into a deep churn of fondness when the hand of yours he's taken is brought to his lips, his eyes steady on yours. feigning disgust, you retract your hand, only to find it folded into his own not a second after.

shutting the door behind you and double checking the lock, you release the carried tension of your muscles as you slide down the yellow-painted backside, elbow hitting the door knob along the way. your bag, slung from the same elbow, hits the floor first, followed by the rest of your weight and then you're slumped with your legs splaying before you like a doll when forgotten in the shadow of adulthood. shallow breaths even themselves and you begin to collect the little fragments of your mind that sit unprocessed amidst the chest-pounding, blush-inducing, and heart-fluttering you've been subjected to ever since you'd met a certain boy named jaemin.

you hold to your heart your hardened knuckles, lined with the ghost of his lips. and when that isn't enough, you bring them up to your own. there's traces of a sort of longing that you've yet to place a name on; hand to your lips, you find that even when your mind tries to trick yourself into thinking they are his, they ring of a bitterness in the remembrance that it was once his in their place. it's then that you realize you've landed yourself upon your favorite act of adoration, your favorite in the encyclopedia of all human gestures.

the arrival of fall marks the anticipation of fall break, thanksgiving, then the 100 meter sprint to winter break, christmas. tis the season to love and to be loved, for when you'd complained to jaemin on the ride back that buying the LP was for naught since you weren't in possession of a record player in the first place, he'd shaken his head and simply tucked it under an arm, taking it back to his own place as if he hadn't actually bought it for you. tis the season for humming along to far too early christmas music blaring sleazily through the paper-thin wall that rises between you and him. tis the season to live out your inner hallmark christmas movie: suburb girl meets city boy, business major meets psychology major, unit 402 meets 401, bumps into each other at the local mart, flowers that found their way from the hand of one to the other.

so that every time he buys himself a bouquet of flowers he'll think of buying them for you, and every time you brew yourself a fresh cup of tea, you'll think of receiving a cup from him. whatever lines you seem to draw between the two of you only seem to amplify the longing that ensures you maintain eye contact for a second longer and submit to his every gesture of chivalry. he courts you as if you were a maiden from the middle ages and not, in fact, a modern woman. na jaemin is consistent, he is sturdy, sound, secure, and you want to give in to the comfort you've never sought for in anyone else. you want to build a home out of him.

✧ 05 — YOUR TURN

you don't know how, or why, it is that you always end up here. the metal is a little colder, a trace of early winter perhaps, and it sears a little different than what you're used to, a little more scarring, begging for your attention. fisting and unfisting your hands gives them no warmth; it's the kind of night where the wind drops the temperature with bitter breeze, reluctant to give into the quiet night. yeah, you're at a loss on why you would step out here at all.

perhaps the boy just across from you has a thing or two to say about it. his shirt hangs thin under a thick leather jacket, open nonetheless, and his posture leans slack on the steps, legs outstretched and nonchalant. you, on the other hand, at the precipice of shivering, take it upon yourself to start up the conversation this night, "why don't you just come over? aren't you cold?"

he shakes his head, at which question exactly you're unsure, and you take from that to perceive his disposition as quiet for the night. startled at first, you've long become accustomed to his 'mood swings' that come day by day. it'd be a sunny morning and he'd mask his temperament with curt nods and taciturn speech just like how it's now a starry night and he isn't much different.

there's a few things you've come to know about na jaemin. one: he's picky with his friends. they're either close or they're just not friends which makes it particularly hard to decipher where you fall, if not in between. two: he's rich, to an almost filthy extent. not that he boasts about it but his bmw, which you frequent, and the tiny 'gucci' emblem on his wallet say a lot on their own. you wonder why he's living in a studio apartment instead of a penthouse and you wonder why he even bothers to take the bus at times. other times, you think it's only because you take the bus. he's not exactly keen on hiding his…crush — or whatever sophisticated term college people use — on you and you're not the type to be completely oblivious to how he acts around you and also how he spea— no, flirts with you. which leads you to three: na jaemin is known to be the quintessential campus 'hottie' but also the campus 'playboy.' and though you know enough of him to agree with the former and counter the latter, you can't help but take into account what else you'd heard, albeit from haeun. 

records of his past relationships are plentiful but never overlapping. he goes after girls one by one, quite devotedly at that, unfailingly running through the same four pit stops: courting, dating, fucking, nothing. what seems to be the start of a healthy, fulfilling relationship always ends up in a dwindling friends with benefits situation. you'd asked her why and haeun only shrugged, "he likes playing with girls that way. i'm guessing you're his next victim."

you'd squinted your eyes at her in a nonsensical confusion, "victim?" bitterly, haeun threw back another shot of diluted vodka. setting it down, she moved to leave with a sort of soberness you'd never seen in her eyes, not in class, not before parties, not at the twenty-four-hour mcdonald's after parties. leaning in to sail her voice across the blaring speakers up above, you caught the stilted smile she pulled before tonelessly muttering, "you think i like being drunk all the time?" she was two steps away, already out of earshot, before you could call her back to ask.

to ask her if whatever you were getting yourself into was worth it. to ask her if he'd done the same to her, gifting flowers, drinks, rides, smiles, touches, some more touches. she was gone before you could ask if it was normal to still feel this way after knowing. 

but looking at him now, you think you could answer that for her.

"jaemin," as if his eyes weren't already on yours, attention trained solely on you, "tell me...tell me about you."

"me?" he has a husky voice, the kind that's only reserved to when he's tired or freshly woken up, the one a.m. kind of voice. he has the kind of voice you wish you weren't attracted to. "yes, you."

"what about me do you want to know?"

you give a moment of decisiveness until you come to this: "i want to know about your first love."

jaemin's countenance remains unfazed at this question you've popped, there's no smile, no nod of acknowledgement, nothing to tell that he may be uncomfortable in answering but his brief answer tells of much anyways. "i was in high school," is about as far as he gets before trailing off and tapering with a, "and it was a pretty bad breakup."

what you're not expecting is for him to revert back to, "what about you?" and you have the gall to look him straight in the eye and say straight to his face, "i've never been in love." he asks you, "why not?" you shrug, "just never felt loved, that's all."

with the silence that's made its appearance right after your statement, you can tell that he's just about ready to call it a night. it's right when you're thinking the thought that jaemin starts out, slow and deliberate in the forming of each word. "if i met you back in high school, maybe even middle school, everything would be so different now, don't you think?"

a tilt of your head, "how so? you didn't know me at sixteen."

he shakes his head, light in humor, but his tone is seeped in conviction, "all those years of— of you wanting to be loved and me loving too much," jaemin swallows, licks his lips, blinks languidly, "i didn't know you at sixteen, but i wish i did."

✧ 06 — SEEING TRIPLE

there's this thing you'll come to know, sooner or later in your life, that while kindergarteners are taught to tell of four seasons — spring, summer, autumn, and winter — you've come to know of a fifth called na jaemin. you live perpetually under the skies of his gazes, the winds of his voice, the rays of his smiles. but the thing is, you've no idea when the seasons even began to change.

well it began in class, a little under a month ago, that in the corner of your eye, you saw the chair angled slightly in your direction as he pulled out the seat to your left; your suspicions told you it was so he could be an inch closer. and then it was a week or so ago with his hand clasped tight in yours, swinging as he pulled you around the mall to find the pair of shoes you'd mentioned in passing a few days back. and then the calendar marks today when he'd stopped you in your tracks just outside your last class, ditching his teasing friends to accompany you home. right up to the moment the pair of you arrive back to your respective residences, the most recent of his laughters still fresh and ringing in your ears.

hand on the wall to keep you steady, you rushedly shuffle off your sneakers, subsequently sprinting across the room in fast steps, tossing your bagful of textbooks and notes onto the bed as you pass. one hand capping the new lipgloss you've just applied to your bottom lip, the far left window is swung open and to your equal parts dismay and delight, the boy you've just parted with is already there, a snarky "beat you" rolling off the tip of his tongue.

you talk to him and you know that he is listening. he tells you of a little something different he's sees on your lips and you remark, "is it that noticeable?" and all he has to say is, "not particularly, i think i just look at you too much." and then a sudden warmth floods your cheeks and then he smiles a little more and then you exchange glances after avoiding each others gazes for the past four seconds and then and then and then...

then you'll drift off to sleep later in the night, window open, with the same thoughts of the same boy plaguing whatever it was you'd studied the hour before, you don't remember what exactly. and it's then that your nightly paracosms are dreamt and dreamt and dreamt until they can no longer be contained by mere imagination but have been forced into reality. for when you awaken and his loving smile is the first thing that comes to mind, you know for certain that all you want, all you desire is more and more and more.

suddenly the words that come out of your mouth are no longer english when talking to him, and what he hears is this language that only he understands. what you knew of love languages falls short when neither of yours can be confined to simply 'physical touch' or 'acts of service' because the language you speak encompasses much more than just a mutual feeling. it becomes a mentality by which every little thing is perceived, an umwelt of sorts that only you and him are privy to. 

to the left of your ears, soojin cups her hand as if she were to whisper but speaks rather loudly anyways. "i assume you guys have been fucking around." and to that you give her a sheepish smile paired with no audible answer, reluctant to flat out lie to her face. it's then that jaemin chooses to direct a glance towards you, the corner of his lip lifting when your eyes meet. soojin recaptures your attention as she muses on, "lucky you." 

and indeed, lucky is how you feel when you are still the object of his attention even when you have looked away. when he comes to a stop right by your side as soon as the lecture ends, your side and no one else's, special is what he makes of you. to be the girl that jaemin chooses to spend his mornings, afternoons, and nights with is what makes you stand apart from the crowd. and of all the new faces he came back to see this year, jaemin wanted to admire yours, he wanted to hold your hand, and it's you that he reaches out to steady when the turbulent bus jostles you all around.

in a way, it's jaemin that hushes and feeds your deep-rooted thirst for attention. mitigating it yet simultaneously making you addicted to his presence, so much so that if he were to leave you alone for even a fraction of a day, you'd ache in places you've never known. and indeed, you might never know seeing as how day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute you are already so preoccupied with his eyes, and then his lips, and the heights of his cheekbones, and his long lashes. you can imagine how hard it'd be to see past it all. because na jaemin fills you so completely, silencing your needs and replacing them with himself, so that the only thing you find yourself returning to at the beginning and end of everyday is him. again, and again, and again.

✧ 07 — THE END OF THE BEGINNING

na jaemin is about as blunt as it gets. he's the type of person who says things just as he feels and thus, always has something to say. but with that being said, na jaemin is also having a inexplicably hard time replying to this one text.

in short, it reads: coming? but if jaemin were to expatiate further, he'd start by commenting on the picture accompanying the single-worded question. objectively, he doesn't mind it. you look nice in that dress, the sweetheart neckline and the thin black fabric teetering on the skimpy side. he has no problem with that, nor does he have a problem with the shot glass in your hand. what he does have a problem with is the fact that it was sent by someone you don't even know, nor is he close with. his phone screen auto locks after staring for too long and upon turning it back on, he's met with the time. —11:32 PM

jaemin's apartment is dark when he thrusts open the front door, the stopper hitting the wall behind with such force that has it shaking. whereas he was only mildly irritated before, his frustration is now strung high with how he'd forgotten his car keys in his initial rush to get out the house, as if taking the bus would be a viable option with how tight he is on time. jaemin utters a single, "fuck," because again in his rush, he'd forgotten to switch on the lights. the darkness is making it hard to distinguish what exactly he's grabbing at, seeing as he's now fumbling with the contents of the top drawer. brow knitting, regrets pile onto each other.

double checking his pockets this time, jaemin takes a second to make sure that he has his wallet and phone before shutting the car door. it's been a while since he last drove — frequenting the bus a lot more with no reason other than you — and the feeling of cold leather beneath his fingers evokes an awoken familiarity. pulling out, the same fingers part from the wheel to key in the address. at this time of year, this day of the week, this time of the day, the streets are congested to no avail. jaemin finds his eyes transfixed on the perpetually stationary car in front of him. cold leather to warm, his fingers have tapped their way into a halt as the same car pulls up a good seven feet before settling again. following in suit, jaemin wonders that if driving isn't the most efficient, perhaps running would be a better candidate against time. —11:48 PM

he gets there just fine, seated in his car, for penthouse parties are never too far if you live in the heart of the city. it's only now that he runs the length from his parked car to the lobby elevator, ignoring the stares of bewildered loiterers. between his heavy pants, jaemin registers the ding before the elevator doors open in sequence and when he hurries out, he finds himself caught in a horde of college students, all dressed to the nines and all heavily intoxicated. heart pounding, he claws his way through the cacophony of clinking glasses, loud laughter and shuffling feet, only to find that though the foyer, living room, and kitchen are all preoccupied to the max, you're nowhere to be seen.

ten. jaemin gives a tight smile to some girl from his anatomy class, prying off her fingers that had roped their way around his wrist. nine. jaemin ducks the spray of champagne from his left, brushing off any residue that might've made its way onto the shoulders of his leather jacket. eight. jaemin approaches a girl with a similar silhouette, tapping her on the shoulder and apologizing promptly when met with an unfamiliar face. seven. jaemin thinks he almost got himself laid at the hands of that woman, whoever she was, who had disregarded his apology and pulled him (a little too) close. six. jaemin can still feel her threatening stare on his back as he squirms his way between a canoodling couple, another mistake of his for now there are three pairs of eyes trailing him. five. jaemin begins to doubt his chances, thinking of maybe even accepting the poorly poured glass of champagne (one-fifth champagne, four-fifths fizz) being offered to him. four. jaemin declines, rerouting to a hall he has yet to venture down; somewhere, there's a cupid nodding frantically in encouragement. three. jaemin happens upon a set of glass doors that opens up to an outdoor terrace. it's there that he finds the precise silhouette that his mind has been obsessing over all night long. two. for the first time in his life, the cupid finds that he has no use for his bow and arrow.

"jaemin? what the fuck are you do —"

one.

your mind is lost to his touch, his smell, his eyes on yours, confecting and amalgamating in the pits of your stomach, reanimating the wings of butterflies that fell limp long ago. his touch sears the lines of your back, traces the curves of your elbows, the serrations of your chapped lips, messily nudging the rise and fall of your philtrums. one moment it's elusive, the ability to part and proclaim a mistake palpable yet untouched, for the next, it's voracious, feeding a hunger that has withstood the ensnarements of time; a kiss like water to parched lips.

and it's between those moments that jaemin feels it so upfront. his fortitude surrendering before his eyes to reveal every thread of his sentiments towards you, each delicate and negligible in itself but monumental at whole. he only parts from you when the need to breathe becomes greater than the need for your lips to be on his. and even then, the distance is barely discernible, a mere exchange of heavy breaths. jaemin kisses you again, short and sweet, before drawing back to peer into your shaded eyes. he notes with a keen shrewdness that though the scent of alcohol, a sort of wine, had lingered on your breath, your eyes bled sober. he kisses you again. 

and again, and again, and again until he knows for certain that you're just as drunk as he is. the kind of drunk that couldn't amount from any kind of booze. the kind that comes from staring at someone for too long and the kind that comes from seeing that same someone take the seat you've been saving for them. it comes from hearty 'good mornings' and slurred 'goodnights' shared over the cityscape and under an upstair neighbor's fire escape. it's the kind of drunk that can't help but surface when a boy leaves his second thoughts behind as he rushes like there's no tomorrow to find this girl that now has her forehead pressed against his, and her lips brushing against his as they form a, "happy new year, jaemin," with unsaid 'i love you's' ringing in his ears. —12:02 AM

✧ 08 — THE BEGINNING OF THE END

you don't remember when the words 'coronavirus' and 'quarantine' started to become part of your everyday lingo but you can imagine that the moment they did, things were never the same. 

at first, you marked his passivity as simple tediousness. he looked tired, that's all. you figured his mood swings and their fickle nature were taking their time of day to roll through. one early lecture, he'd duck your glances and the next he'd play footsies with you under the table. monday afternoon and he'd let you tag along on his routine outing to the mart, then friday night and he'd bid you farewell as soon as you'd stepped upon the fire escape.

classes moved online and it was sometime then that his mood swings lengthened until the most you could get out of him were clipped greetings and facial expressions that could never be read with a mask covering half his face and a hoodie pulled down over the other half. the way you saw it, jaemin's held you at arm's distance ever since the new year's began, far enough so he could keep to himself but within reach for whenever he needed you close.

it was eight p.m. on a tuesday night and you were drinking alone, the sun long gone but you'd forgotten or neglected to turn on the lights anyways. and in the dark and quiet resounded two knocks from the wall that separated you and your troubles. from then, it was two seconds before you were out of bed, fixing your hair, pulling a hoodie over a low-cut tank. two minutes before you were out the door and a step away from the one adjacent, slipping in as soon as access had been granted like a routine that'd been practiced days, weeks, and months over.

how unsurprised you were to see, and feel, and understand how you'd played along so willingly. in truth, jaemin never asked for much; he didn't have to when you gave your all so easily. there was no satisfaction of 'i knew it' and no anger of 'how could you do this to me.' you knew that jaemin loved you, but he loved you no more than how he'd loved everyone else. in the room, in this bed, on these sheets, there was once a haeun, a mina, and a dozen names of girls you've never met and would never know. though somehow, you know exactly how they felt in this very moment.

relinquishing your hand from his chest, you opt to lay on your back instead. jaemin doesn't stir from beside you, soft snores indicating he's out for the night. and for the night, you're left to observe the outlines of his unlit room from your spot on his bed, as you're sure you've done a number of times beforehand. you make out shadows of furniture and silhouettes of belongings, all within the same layout as your own little studio. but whether it's the doing of the blatant darkness or whatever fate your relationship with him has succumbed to in such a fleeting amount of time, his place feels unbearably cold and you feel equally as unwelcome.

you can see exactly where you stand on the progression of courting, dating, fucking, nothing. and in one thought, you reasoned with why you had to be the puppet to the puppeteer and came short of nothing more logical than what you already knew. you fell in love with jaemin, the kind of love that burned like the sun that rises day in and retires day out, perpetually. whereas his love for you was born of a match, instantaneous and short-lived. and whilst you've always been ready, eager almost, to receive the adoration he once willingly showered upon you, you and him both know that he didn't have it in him to pursue anything more than that.

you didn't need him to show you the way out.

for the first time, jaemin wakes up to an empty bed. and when he logs onto his chinese culture i class 40 minutes into the lecture, the little image of you on his screen looks as unbothered as ever. he swallows thickly, wondering how long he can keep you at arm's distance, far enough to quell his unease but within reach to satiate his greed.

there's a bad taste in his mouth and as he swallows and swallows through the day; it begins to knot in his stomach, weighing him down like pebbles and later boulders of regret, confusion, and anxiety, to say the least. his last string snaps at three in the morning when he's sure you're awake — the sound of your shower had stopped only few minutes ago — but you've yet to make your appearance at his door even after his desperate four knocks on the wall above his bed.

at some point around five or six in the morning, he's given up on trying to sleep his worries away. they're not going anywhere, not when they've rooted themselves so deeply within him, and especially not when they're grown from the seeds he'd planted oh-so long ago, only now sprouting their leaves.

if there's one thing that na jaemin has always been good at, it's loving and giving and caring with all he has, until he has nothing. and if there's one thing that na jaemin has fervently avoided for the greater part of the last four years, it's loving and giving and caring with all he has, until he has nothing. and so he loves, and gives, and cares just enough so that he can protect himself with what's left, move on, and then repeat. because once upon a time, he learned a lesson that told him that loving someone with all your might doesn't mean they love you any more or any less. na jaemin was sixteen when he thought he'd moved on, when really it was then that he began running from his past.

na jaemin was twenty when he first met you, a brief lock of eyes amidst your fumbling of keys, suitcase in the other hand. he thinks that it was perhaps that exact moment, or the exchange of smiles afterwards, that got his mind working towards a new agenda. new because even though most everything he'd experienced with you was nothing short of new on paper, every glance felt stolen and every touch felt forbidden. he loved the way you loved him, unrestrained and generous, but in hindsight he knows that that was only because you'd awoken a part of him that had forgotten what that kind of love felt like.

warm. it felt warm like the sun on his bare back. your hands were always warm and your eyes were always warm, and on days where the wind would pick up a little more than usual, he'd feel the urge to wrap you around him like a warm blanket, or hold you in the palm of his hands like a cup of warm tea. 

fondly, he'd come to understand that what he saw in you was liberating, yes, but it was also reflective of the teenage boy he'd scampered away from, the one that never dared to confront his feelings and capped them the moment they proved the teensiest bit overwhelming. and in that, he first recognized the difference between you and them and them and you. it was in that, that he came across the fine line that made you the outlier in all the girls he'd ever spent a night with.

to like is skin-deep, wading in shallow waters and on the precipice of being overrun with a wave. but to love is bone-deep, interminably submerged and continually in search of each other's hands amidst the bleak and unforgiving ocean floor.

and now swept within your currents, jaemin finds himself drowning.

✧ 09 — AS HE WOULD AN ORANGE

lately, it feels as if the walls of your little home were more and more akin to the metal bars of a cage. with the world closing up, city by city, you feel yourself becoming increasingly suffocated by your own presence, sick of the same air you've been breathing, the same cereal you've been eating, the same day repeating itself over and over again. picking at the undersides of your overgrown nails, you huff a sigh and decide it's worth the risk, anything is at this point.

yet the moment you step out onto the metal grate of your fire escape, the pair of eyes that widen upon your emergence makes the hairs on your skin stand erect, wary and above all, regretful. with half your body already out the exit, you think that perhaps not even your escape plan could fall through, let alone plan B (play it cool), or plan C (flat out ignore him). and so you position yourself across him, as you've done countless times, and purse your lips in expectancy for him to start a conversation. after all, he couldn't fuck you from all the way over there (plus social distancing says it's illegal now).

the first words that leave his mouth have your eyes narrowed and guard drawn high. "you've been avoiding me, haven't you?" and though his voice almost fairs disheartened in tone, you still grimace as you reply cautiously, "yeah, yeah i have."

no matter how terribly your words milk the blood from his heart, jaemin has to hold off from excusing himself because he doubts he'd get to see you elsewhere, if not here and now. but the thick wall of tension that sits between the two of you doesn't waver, doesn't budge, and only seems to multiply a tenfold as the seconds trudge onwards. words go unsaid in this moment, and unlike before they hold no secret admiration, no pent-up desires. rather they pulsate with cues of unanswered questions and forlorn what-if's.

you look briefly up at him, eyes flickering back to your fiddling thumbs in the silence that only seems awkward from an outsider's perspective. after clearing your throat, you fix your gaze back up at him, eyes lined with a resolute determination to get over with the next uncomfortable minutes. plan B, it is, you think, some small talk will have to do. 

"did you hear about the party later tonight?"

"yeah, at the meadow's huh?" and you nod, following up, "it's supposed to be the last one jangho's hosting before lockdown, or at least publicly." then it's his turn to nod.

you weren't close with jangho, by any means, but he was that one senior in your major with all the connections and all the girls. at this point, you weren't sure if it was the connections that got him the girls or the other way around. one thing was for sure though: his parties weren't something you wanted to miss.

tentatively, you give, "...i'm thinking of going with soojin and the girls."

perhaps it's that very line that threw everything amiss.

it starts with a quiet, "oh." and then a feeble protest, "i'm not sure if that's a good idea," to which you feebly counter, "well, i'll be safe about it and most of the people going probably aren't even infected." now jaemin questions with a little more bite in his tone, "and how do you know?"

uncomfortably, you shift in your spot, "i don't, i just— i don't know, it should be fine—"

"y/n, you need to take these things more seriously."

his interruption, his clipped tone, his stern eyes. something gets to you and you don't skip a beat when you blurt, "are you telling me not to go?" voice tainted in disbelief. and to even more of your disbelief, he does anything but relent. "i can't tell you to do anything but honestly, it's a really fucking dumb idea—"

your tone drops in warning, "jaemin, stop—"

"i'm not kidding, y/n. that party is literally asking to get people killed, don't just go throwing yourse—"

"—just stop. stop it, jaem. stop trying to fucking control me—"

"i'm not trying to control you, i'm jus—"

"what? looking out for me? is that what you're gonna say?"

catching your breath, you feel your frustrations boiling within you until you can't take it anymore. the slightest indication of tears begin to spill over and with it comes the rain, in broken and sharp-edged words.

"if you were really trying to look out for me, then maybe you should let me make my own decisions. i'm a fucking adu—"

"you and that 'i'm an adult' and 'i'm all independent' front that you put on all the time. be honest with yourself, please. why do you even hang out with people like them? or is it because of that— because you're lonely?"

he knows that he's struck a chord within you when you begin to choke up your sobs, hiccupping over your words, "shut up, jaemin, you...you don't know what you're talking about." and then you're gasping for air, unafraid of what he may think of you because you have never in your life, felt so powerless. to you, his mere presence is penetrating, his trained attention hollows out your insides, and though you still find yourself breathless under his stare, more than anything, you feel starkly vulnerable, unabashedly naked.

nevertheless, jaemin continues to pick apart your raw, exposed skin because in this moment, all he wants is to unearth the depths of you. he wants to peel you open, casually as he would an orange, and in the process drawing out the worst, the most vile, and the truest parts you have to offer. "is it?" he presses on.

jaemin is fueled by the idea of getting you to hate him. at any rate, that's the way it should be after he's led you on, toyed with your feelings, played pretend. but really, it's not the guilt that drives him. in the heat, he's convinced that he'll push your buttons until the very moment he's rid of you. because only then, only then does he believe he'll be absolved of his sins. only when you've forced him out of your life. just the way it should be.

"is it because you think you have to be one of them to fit in?"

and just the way it should be, your resolve snaps in two.

"okay yes. maybe i want to fit in. maybe all i want is a reputation. maybe— maybe i crave everyone's attention an- and validation. so what if that makes me a bitch? people like me, jaemin."

"y/n, people don't like you. people like when you go to parties with them and all your upperclassmen friends like that they have a freshie to corrupt when no one's looking and boys like that you let them throw themselves all over y—"

"are you saying that i'm a pushover now?!"

"yes, you're a fucking pushover. what else would you be?! all you do is say yes to everything they ask of you and let them drag you around when you know it's not worth it, and what's even worse is that you like it."

when the tears clear out of your eyes, jaemin comes to see that all that's left in them is fear. what he isn't quite sure of is whether you're more scared of him or rather yourself. now with that pang in your eyes and the hurt splayed across your face, jaemin must admit that he doesn't feel any more absolved than mere minutes ago. the floodgates open and it's only now that he's swamped in his own guilt because in the midst of everything, he'd neglected your feelings in place of his own. only he would feel relieved if he were to be cut from your life, but it would be the same as twisting a knife he'd planted in your side. only he would rest easy knowing that his past had not caught up to him, but in turn he would've carved out a past for you to run from. there is no immediate, nor eventual relief that comes from cutting you wide open.

there you sit, right across from him, gathering the littered pieces of your esteem and hoping and wishing that maybe a little later you could stitch them back together by hand, or by some drinks, or by a loud and noisy social gathering. and there you stand, one hand anchoring you to the rail and the other fumbling with the window latch, countenance steeled and voice guarded when you next speak, "well then i guess you must know i only ever wasted my time with you so i could tell everyone that we're fucking."

your last glance at him isn't wistful, nor is it solemn in any way. rather it's steeped and invigorated in spite, because in reality, not a word of the argument had arisen from his concerns of your safety, nor were you displeased at his attempts to keep you from going. all you know is that your throat is freshly hoarse from yelling lie after lie, your head is spinning from being stumped at every turn, your body is swaying from having to hold your weight upright. and to the boy at the center of all your love, your happiness, your troubles, and your world, all you had to say was, "goodnight, jaemin."

✧ 10 — YOU FUCKING BITCH! GIVE ME BACK MY HAIR!

the world came to a decisive standstill mid-march and with it passed the paling seasons of your first love. it's hard to say that you'd seen this coming. though in hindsight, you wondered why you were always late to the party.

"y/n, over here!" soojin holds up a half-empty glass of chugged beer and sets it atop the bar where you've come to sit. tucking your fake id into the left slip of your bra, you wave off her saliva-infused beer offering to call for something a little heavier. but before you could get out the first syllable of the jungle in jungle juice, a hand snakes its way around your waist, breath not far behind to breach the skin of your neck. fully sober, you're a thought away from swatting at the curious thumb of his that was currently fussing with the hem of your skirt, but you digress. you were here to have a little fun, not keep to yourself. 

the night passes in flurries of drinks and boys who'd swap in and out as soon as they'd realize you weren't going home with them; it was too early in the night anyways. if you weren't held down at the bar by some frat boy, you were at the floor flitting between tables, flirting with any guy that sported a middle part and a decent jawline, and flinging yourself dramatically at their poorly timed jokes. the drinks made it so that the 'little fun' you were having became the time of your life, and the boys, boys, boys that you so loved to smother with your lips one second and trash the next were in fact, the highlight of your day. oh how low your standards had sunk.

you think that they might've plummeted even further the second you realized that the guy whose build you've been backed up into for the last two minutes actually had a name, and that his name was jangho. leaning down to mumble in your ear, his low voice comes out a bare whisper under the blasting music, "looks like you're having a lot of fun tonight, aren't you?" you turn in his grip, gaze lifting to meet his sharp features and playful smile. he's coy, you’ll give him that, but on this special night, how different could you be?

giggling and throwing your head back, the sparkle that catches in your eyes is a magnet for some lovin' and he yields with a few kisses pressed to your lips, then your jaw, and down to your neck. shutting eye, you relish in your drunken stupor of the pair of lips that felt so harsh, hurried, lustful, and different. all your senses were tuned in to this heated moment, and this moment only, no trace of past worries, lingering feelings, or hard-to-place affections. jangho parts for only a second and his eyes that fair unbelievably dark in the already dim light speak of things you already know, things you nod to, and things that have you following in tow as he leads the way out.

but before the two of you could make a break for fresh air, a hand clasps at the wrist that's not being grasped by jangho and jerks you around until you're facing them in full.

and with the same wrist, soojin yanks you right until you are face to face, nose an inch from her own. rancid breaths emit from the same mouth that utters with such vehemence that sends a series of chills down each vertebrae of your spine. "where the fuck do you think you're going?"

you knit your brows, "what does that have to do with you?" and tug twice at her knuckle-white grip until she drops your hand. jangho's released your wrist as well, the scene unfolding much more entertaining when acclimated with the growing crowd. soojin huffs, cocks her jaw and mutters just loud enough for the eavesdropping audience to hear, "you must have a thing for all the big fish, huh?"

and when all you have to offer is the thinning of your lips and an extra crease between your brows, she takes her liberties in adding on, with each word coated in a thick layer of tension, "first jaemin and then jangho, makes me wonder what the fuck you're up to." then, she brings a finger under your chin, jutting it upwards to match her eye level. her volume drops as she spits out her next words for only you to hear, "you're trying to gatekeep aren't you, fucking whore."

you know she has a fair amount of booze in her system, you know she's not particularly fond of you, you know she's been using you to get to jaemin. but then again, you're a good deal drunk as well, you've hated her since day one, and for all she knows, you're the one that's fucking jaemin and a possible jangho. so why is it that you're the one standing here, speechless, and having to soak in all her pissy, green-faced remarks? because you're younger than her? because she's the one who invited you? because her reputation would be ruined otherwise? bullshit.

slapping away her hand is a first, grabbing at her wrist comes second, and just before she could slip some snarky counter right under your nose, you beat her to it. "what about it? are you jealous?"

her free hand pulls back, forms a perfect pitcher's arc, and then comes sailing towards your right cheek. the slap procures a clear, clean-cut sound and from it is birthed a moment of silence, perhaps three or four seconds, of glaring and gaping and utter befuddlement, before all hell breaks loose.

your fist comes into contact with her nose as you wrench her wrist in the most unnatural direction it could go. her shrieks echo and bounce off the walls while all she can do is kick at your legs with her own, the stick of her stiletto scraping at the bare skin of your legs. and soon enough, you supplement her shrieks with curses and grunts of your own, manhandling her by the neck so that you could bring her into a measly chokehold. by some stroke of luck, she'd freed her wrist from your hold, the same wrist that now flies towards your face, long acrylics threatening to carve out your eyes. her other hand has taken purchase of your right ear, pulling and pulling until you swear your eardrums begin to bleed.

heavily inebriated, your drunken insults and spineless slander slur and string together as your hand grabs a fistful of her hair and pulls and pulls, just as she'd done, until you're sure her scalp has sprouted red. and seeing as how her hold on your ear and her scratchy nails on your face have yet to find their way back home, you round up as many brain cells together to formulate your ultimate one hit K.O., your last ditch effort to be rid of this skanky, two-faced excuse of a friend.

reeling your neck back as far as her grip would allow, you release your whole weight into your head, flinging it without half a thought as to how dumb this whole night had been, how annoying everyone in this room was, and how shitty your life had become. in that split second, the only thing that mattered was her red, botched-up nose: the target.

right as you strike the bullseye, fireworks eject on the backside of your eyelids, shooting stars rejoice, and when you reopen your eyes a smidgen to admire the masterpiece you've made out of her nose, your vision begins to spot black.

the last thing you recall before falling captive to the ground is the one and only, iconic phrase sums up your first, and hopefully last, full-blown and drunken cat fight. "YOU FUCKING BITCH! GIVE ME BACK MY HAIR!"

✧ 11 — IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING, THANK YOU.

you're sixteen again and your mom has hid your phone in the medicine cabinet after she found a pack of four condoms behind your laundry basket. you're sixteen and the sun is just barely rising when that boy from your calculus class finally takes his leave; you pray to god his foot doesn't catch the windowsill on his way out. you're sixteen again and your best friend forever gives you a worried look, "that's the best you could do?" and you shake your head, roll your eyes, keeping your insecurities from bubbling over as she retracts her pointed finger from that boy sitting two seats down. you duck your head before your calculus teacher catches your little chit-chatting, and when he turns back to the board, you turn back in her direction. "i told him no but he didn't listen," is what comes out of your mouth, you're lucky she's never had a knack for tracing lies. 

you're sixteen when you get home later that day, your mom's got her hands on a little something she found in the trash can of your room. your mind tells you that you couldn't care less about what type of slut or street whore she saw you as but your heart cries out anyways. she still drives you to school the next day where you're met with whispers trailing down the hallways of how you'd been raped. it's then that you saw for the first time that the worried front she always put on looked a little more condescending than normal. or was it always like that?

you cried again, but not because you'd been "raped," but because you hadn't been, at all. nineteen-year-old you wants to tell you that you should be more concerned about having to set the record straight with the police, rather than the fact that that boy from your calculus class probably hates you now. what a shame that sixteen-year-old you has only ever thought of failure in being seen as less than what you advertised yourself to be.

you're nineteen when you wake up in the hospital. vision blurry, you catch sight of your mother tugging the far end of the curtain closed around your cot. vision clearing, she approaches you upon noting your consciousness. her face is drawn pleasantly, almost sneeringly so, and when she places a hand atop yours it feels anything but warm, anything but welcoming, anything but safe. it feels threatening. she gets to the point because she did not come to babysit her daughter, to accompany her, or even to make sure she was okay. you're lucky you don't take after her worst traits.

you're nineteen, right? the legal age is eighteen, you're an adult now. why am i still being notified whenever you get yourself into trouble? cross me off as your legal guardian before this happens again. everything you knew she had to say, everything she didn't have to say for you to know.

really, your mother came to give you an ultimatum. drop out and get a job at your father's business. financial support provided as long as you keep your head low. or, cut ties.

shifting your hand in hers, you give it a squeeze, "thank you for everything." your mother's eyes glint blank under the dingy light. she retracts her cold, distant hand. she retrieves her belongings from the cabinet beside your cot. she gives the incoming nurse a stiff nod. and she extracts herself from your life.

✧ 12 — IT ALL STARTS FROM HOME

unspoken, the tales of your first love are handwritten into the grated iron of those two fire escapes. how foreign it feels to lock the window on one.

suitcase tugged tight to your back, there's no need to beeline for the exit when nothing's in your way. no blue ottoman, no haphazard legs of a dresser, no faux fur rug. it troubles you how all the meager appliances you had gotten so used to in the placement of your room, your familiarity, support, has all dispelled into numbers back in your parent's bank account. how disappointing is the reality that the pillars that held you up when you let yourself fall can end up so spendable, so easily disposable.

you grimace when soojin opens the door to you, nose bandaged over. she's barely wearing anything and the rustling that comes from what you assume to be her room tells of much you wished you weren't prompted to think of. you think more of it when a man stumbles from the door down the hall with his t-shirt donned backwards and a calloused hand held up in a wave. she shows you to the couch, littered with her clothes and emptied chip bags shoved into its corners and you thank her with the smile you've always given. it's cheery and it's gracious and it's everything you wish you could feel genuinely in the moment.

the bin in the corner of the room is empty (at least there even is a bin) and it receives all the trash you had the energy to tidy up while the armchair beside the couch receives all the discarded clothing, most of which you're sure doesn't even belong to soojin. you haven't stumbled across any of her roommates and she herself had left long ago; it's a friday night and you suppose that with her and company alike, that trumps even lockdown. she'd even asked if you wanted to go with her, half-heartedly, eyes held to the floor with a flick of her fingernails. you declined but was surprised that she had enough propriety to ask such a thing in the first place. you're sure she's surprised that you had the gall to ask if you could stay at her place, rent-free, after a measly one-paragraph text for an apology.

it's ten in the night and then it's twelve and one turns to two and doubles into four but your eyes have been numbed to the ceiling and you're body can't seem to move past the draperies of seclusion you've hung about the couch claimed as yours. your little island in the sea of a messy room that isn't yours, a messy world in which you've left, a messy past that clings to you even after you've moved on.

you've always wondered what it would feel like to hit rock bottom. soul crushing, perhaps? maybe it'd feel like the end of the world, you thought. but it's now that you fully understand the roots of the idea of having nothing to lose. it's strangely quiet down here, and you move quietly through the days, stuffing tea bags into bottled waters and getting by on pre-packaged salads bought with a scanty wallet.

you dutifully attend your online lectures, and study hard for upcoming exams, while waiting for the day the school calls to let you know that your tuition is no longer being paid, please unenroll from your classes and return your textbooks. in the last two weeks, you watched your fulfilling love life succumb to your insecurities, your friends and family relinquish their support, and your livelihood be sucked from your living soul. having nothing to lose feels a little like that. it's quiet, it's undemanding, and it's eerily as unnerving.

in a week or two to come, soojin kicks you out because she isn't very nice; there's no need to elaborate on that except to say that she was hosting a party at her apartment. and that you didn't need to think twice before realizing that more than a construct of entertainment, it was simply devised to chase you out.

you're thrust upon the streets before you have any idea of where to turn to. no money to call for a cab back to the unwelcome doorstep of your parents' house, three hours outside the city center. no hotel, motel, hostel, b&b that could fit your modest budget. no friends to call up, to fall back on. no significant other, significant anything, a specific someone whose place you could crash out of the blue, without precursory notice. 

what you're left with is perhaps the most eerie revelation you've ever happened upon. some cold saturday night under the light of a park bench, you're sat with your sole trace of identity and belonging — your suitcase — propped upon the ground before you. fingers fiddling with the cracked case of your phone, you swallow thickly the thought that two months ago you were content. four months ago, you were adjusting. six months ago, you were unrecognizable. now, you feel as if an imposter has since taken over your eyes, your ears, your mouth, your nose. now, you're faced with the inescapable passions of how you want to feel loved more than you've ever wanted to be alive.

perhaps— no, not even perhaps. for certain, it's that same revelation that has you digging through the suitcase. it never occurred to you that you didn't have his number, or that you didn't know any of his friends' either. hell, you don't even know what classes he takes other than the one you share. and even if you sought to stumble upon him in somewhat of a more organic setting, you'd still round about the same conclusion that the one indisputable fact you knew of his was simply his address, a knock on his door. 

you give a weak smile before pulling out his blue-wash denim jacket from beneath your arm, and out with it comes the flimsy guise under which you've decided to reappear upon.

"i came to return this."

your eyes are half-lidded in a relenting haze, like you've given up, resorted, or sought refuge within the person in front of you. jaemin's eyes are half-lidded as well, though fresh from sleep and not from fatigue. his eyes, if someone could see them right now, they would think that he's looking at the most beautiful woman in the world. and they wouldn't be far from the truth for jaemin thinks just that: you are the most beautiful woman in the world.

in truth, sitting under the light of a park bench on some saturday night with nowhere to go and no one to call, you were the most surprised to note that somehow, the predicaments of your situation didn't bother you half as much as the gnawing leakage of your otherness. it felt as if the only thing more disappointing than lacking the funds to get food on the table, much less a roof over your head, was the fact that the most comfort you received in the night was a pitiful glance from a passerby.

at the tip of your tongue, you recall it like stripping wealth only to find greed, clawing past nights of passion only to stumble upon lust, or putting up with a friend who only ever saw you as competition. and though you've realized it, known it, and admitted it for however long, you've never felt it so upfront until everything you thought you had was suddenly out of reach, as if all your efforts to move on, to transcend yourself, had been fed to the gnawing butterflies in your stomach that so wished to be fondled and played with.

jaemin found you at his doorstep on some sunday morning. around 4, was it? he opened his arms wide because he knew you weren't there because you were dirt poor. he knew you weren't there because you needed a place to sleep. and he knew you weren't there because you had no one else who would support you. and true, he'd make up for all of those insufficiencies anyways but more than anything, jaemin knew that you were here because you were lonely.

so utterly and plainly lonely that one look into his eyes, one graze of his fingers along your wrist had your lips on his in such a fashion that one would have thought you were starved of his touch, parched of his lips, wilted from his love. "but you tried your best, didn't you?" and you nod into his neck, nestle into his chest, cry into his warmth. "then that's all that really matters, love."

door closed behind you, you'd come to realize through the holy hours of sunday morning that long gone was the cute guy next door turned fuck buddy. truly, na jaemin is the butter to your bread, the cup to your tea, the curtain to your window, and the breath to your heart.

✧ 13 — HOW IT ALL SHOULD HAVE STARTED

your back is against the door when the bell declares a new customer. stepping down to the last rung of the ladder after propping the last of the new lily shipments atop the shelf, the automated response is already making its way out of your mouth before you even know it. "hello, welcome to florist gump. what may i help you with today?" 

busying with the fold-out ladder, you fail to take into account the identity of the incoming customer until he sounds aloud, "hi, i'd like to have something arranged for my girlfriend." back straightening, you turn towards the voice to see a kind-eyed jaemin and decide to play along, "may i ask if there is any occasion?" to which he only shakes his head and saunters close, taking the ladder from your hands and raising an eyebrow in question as to where he was to set it aside.

you point to the nook in the back of the register and follow suit as he makes his way over, wary of the security cameras for it was only a week ago where you'd been chewed out by your manager for letting an "unauthorized loiterer" into the back of the shop. not to worry, however, for jaemin returns back in authorized territory the passing moment afterwards, already engrossed in today's selection of florals and herbs alike. "then do you know if there's anything she likes in particular?"

jaemin chews down on his bottom lip, "hmm, unfortunately i don't," and then looks over at you in your pale yellow apron, hair clipped back from your face, "have any suggestions?"

a smile begins to form at the corner of your lips, not that the face mask you're wearing gives away anything, but you align yourself before browsing the shelves of the small shop yourself and stopping at the one nearest the window. with jaemin shadowing just above your shoulder — as any customer would act — you gesture towards a bundle of white daisies and accompany it with, "i'm sure she would love those."

and so those are the ones he buys, with nothing else to add to the bouquet, and while you wrap the arrangement with rough twine encircling newspaper scrappings, jaemin takes one of the boxes of chocolate near the register and passes it along your way, "and add these in too."

you look up at him, tugging the twine into a final bow, and offer a shy, thankful smile — a crease of your eyes. punching the numbers into the cash register, you receive his money, return his change, and give yet another smile (though this time it's a product of embarrassment) as he holds out both the flowers and the chocolates in your direction.

accepting them, you're a second away from telling him to drop the act when he speaks of possibly the exact opposite, "i think you're kinda cute, may i get your number?"

you fight the urge to laugh at him, that is until you realize that he's dead serious, sliding his phone across the counter, a new contact draft pulled up and everything. scoffing, you give him a pointed look matched with a disbelieving shake of your head, taking his phone in hand and thumbing in your number. it's not like he has it anyways.

in any case, what use could he have for it when you live on the left side of his bed? and in his itty-bitty four-hundred square foot studio, you're never very far out of reach. he'd be in class and you'd have a day off, arriving beside his desk just shy of the camera frame to hand him his freshly steeped black tea. and on days where his attendance was only required in the morning lectures, jaemin would stop by the shop and keep you company while you studied the origins and meanings behind a genera of flowers, sometimes doing nothing besides staring and taking up space.

he thinks that the language of flora suits you far better than any finance course could ever dare. and frankly, you think so too. you've since limited your circle of friends to your manager, a 60-year-old nifty granny and your most frequent customer, her toddler-aged grandson, the baker that makes jaemin's favorite focaccia bread at the bodega, and most recently, seo injae, your new neighbor. being the only one of your miscellaneous group of friends that's the same age as you, you think of injae as like your insider. she'll keep you in the loop on all the latest trends and for sleepovers only, you get a taste of what late night college boy-talk feels like, something you used to trade in for house parties and social minglings.

you lived your life loudly, in your own quiet way. things like sincerity that were once hard to come by are now principles with which you lead your life. your pursuits are fueled by intrinsic passions rather than the expectations of others and the way you love has stayed impeccably true. jaemin grounds you, not to the earth, but to yourself. and in doing so, he's helped you meet a version of yourself that you didn't think existed.

your mother will eventually call to ask how you've been doing, soojin will one day apologize for the scar she left on your right leg, and although you will never get the money back from your one and a half semesters of college, you think that just for now, you can rest easy knowing that the daises have found their way into a vase, proudly exhibiting an emblem of new beginnings.

✧ 14 — AND FROM THAT DAY ON, THE SEASONS NEVER CHANGED.

to say the least, baking a full-fledged cake in a tiny kitchen made up of just a sink, a stove, and a fridge with absolutely no counter space in between, is wholly and unmistakably unideal. that paired with your unorthodox method of baking — foregoing a recipe of any sort — is a recipe in itself for disaster. and when you hear the jangle of keys from just outside the door, you voice aloud the one intelligible string of words that your mind can come up with in this moment, " oh, fuck fuck fuck fuck…"

the door opens and you're forced to give your best smile, hoping it'll overshadow the mess you've made behind you. and it seems that it works, to an extent, for when jaemin nears in attempt at a hug, the entire wreckage you've kept hidden behind your back is exposed. retracting from the embrace, jaemin only chuckles as you perk up in hopes to deal with the damage, "i hope you're not too tired to help me clean."

oh, but you're almost sure that he's tired but you play your chances that a night out with his friends, for a birthday celebration of all things, gets him just drunk enough to say, "no, i'll help you with it." your signature cheeky smile makes its appearance as he sets down the plastic bag you didn't notice he was holding to get to the dirty dishes. "what'd you buy?" and he shrugs, "just a little something for you."

you look up from the contents of the bag to the time on the clock above the bed — 12:24 AM it reads — and then from the clock to your boyfriend at the sink. "well you're a speedy one aren't you? twenty-four minutes into your twenty-first year and you've already got your hands on some legal alcohol." and not only that, it's your favorite. the one your crazy cool aunt always brings to family gatherings, the modern times fruitlands canned beer.

jaemin finishes up cleaning after your mess as you busy yourself with setting the table, or rather dragging out the wide stool that you and him have been using to create your makeshift dining room on the floor of your kitchen. he settles down a little after you've finished and the two of you pop open your own cans of beer, clinking before drinking. whereas jaemin was only slightly buzzed before, this second round has him a giggly emotional fit within the first ten sips.

before you know it, he's on his back, tracing imaginary shapes into the ceiling with the tip of his index finger and you bet your ass you're right beside him, doing your best to guess whatever it is that he's currently drawing. this time, it's a beluga whale and the next, it's the mug that you frequent and every time he surprises you with something completely spontaneous and unpredictable. he's just like that when he's intoxicated; jaemin's a happy drunk.

and by the time his arm has exhausted itself and has fallen back to his side, you reach over to clasp his hand in yours, squeezing lightly. he'll be asleep within the next two minutes, maybe even less but before then, you ask him, "so what do you want for your birthday?"

jaemin steals a glance at you, in all his drunken glory, and out spills word by word, "i wanna go dinnerware shopping with the love of my life."

✧ [ FIN. ]  copyright © 2021 rouiyan all rights reserved.  

✧ author’s note — as none of you may know, 'blue world' was posted as a 400 follower special — a milestone that i hit over five months ago — but i digress because it is particularly special to me and most likely not to you. for the first time in awhile, i sat down and wrote a story that i wanted to tell my readers. i don't know you, i don't know what you've been through, are going through, or have yet to go through. i don't know what keeps you up at night and i can't tell you that everything is going to be okay. what i know is that quarantine has affected each and every one of us in its own unique way, and all i want is for this story to accompany you whenever you feel that your best isn't enough. 400 hundred followers is a lot to me, and only in the sense that i haven't enough fingers to count it on. every note that i've received feels like an affirmation that i'm doing well, that i'm doing okay, that i am enough and quite plainly for that, thank you. to the silent readers, to those who scream in the replies and to those who simply leave a like, thank you. the world is a little brighter, a little lovelier with you around. i'm sure of it.

☆ baby taglist — @wonciel-main​ (send in an ask to be added to my general!)

[demonictales]

May I ask for oneshot where reader sacrifices their golden core to Jiang cheng instead of Wei ying?

ioh my god. i love this idea. i hope you like what i’ve written. let me know if you enjoyed it! ♥ it turned out to be a bit long, im sorry. nearly 3k words tho.

Jiang Cheng x Reader

TW: burn wound, strong pain

When the Yunmeng Jiang Clan was attacked and taken over by the Wen Clan, Wei Wuxian, Jiang Yanli, and their brother Jiang Cheng were on the run. Wen Chao had made no secret of it that all three had fleed and had to be found immediately.

The whole cultivation world has been in chaos since the Qishan Wen Clan roamed the streets, destroying any clan that was even remotely against them without blinking an eyelid. The consequences for anyone who tried to defend themselves against the Wen Clan were fatal. Unfortunately, this has also affected the Jiang Clan and the now three siblings on the run. 

Like so many in the Wen Clan, you couldn't help but move along with them. You were born into the medical family in the clan and often helped your cousin Wen Qing and spent time with Wen Ning. He was only two years younger than you. All three of you weren’t particularly fond of how Wen Chao did deal with the whole situation but you had no other chance but to obey the orders, mostly because just like Wen Qing, you helped her protect Wen Ning who to you was just like a brother as well.

It had been a rather quiet week for the three of you when suddenly the doors opened and three people stood in the middle of Wen Qing’s property.  You had just created a few remedies when none other than Wei Wuxian, followed by his sister and Jiang Cheng, who appeared badly injured, appeared loudly and threatening. 

Wen Qing seemed to be in control when you took care of Yanli. It seemed like she was a little weak so you gave her some medicine to strengthen her immune system and told her to take a rest for the day being. If she needed something, she could rely on you and ask for your help. You ended up talking to her and found out that both of you had quite a lot in common, turns out just like her, you weren’t so much into cultivation either, in fact your cultivation was low and you barely followed your interest in it. You were more of  a reserved person, calm as most would describe you, introverted and quiet. You worked behind the scenes and were quietly aknowledged for your wisdom regarding poison and antidotes.

Leaving to prepare more medicine and helping Wen Ning cook, you learned that Wen Zuhliu has taken Jiang Chengs golden core which made you drop your current pot of boiling water burning yourself in the process. Wen Ning gently and quietly took care of your hand as you joined Qing for dinner. Talking about the passed day and what happened.

You were discussing the biggest issue at hand while Ning was quietly listening, slurping his soup. “ Is there a solution to Young Master Jiang’s issue? Is there a way to restore his golden core? ” You asked your cousin wondering if something like this was possible. The hope you had was taken from you when your cousin explained that it wasn’t possible but young master Wei would not stop searching for a cure.

The next morning was your usual daily routine. You woke up, read through some books, prepared some medicine for Yanli and worked on more antidotes and poisons, liquid, powder and pills, even some scented sachets to help you walk through poisoned fog without losing your mind completely until noon hit. You were instructed to bring some soup for Jiang Cheng. Holding the dark tray with some freshly cooked notorious soup in your hands you over heard the conversation of the two brothers inside the room. Not keen on eavsdropping you waited and listened anyway.

“Did you feel it? ---- “ A deep voice filled with sadness spoke quietly, as if he knew all hope was lost. “Feel what?“ Another asked curiously as he waited for an answer. “Well, I used all my spiritual power...“ Silence, followed by holding your breath before he continued as you listened quietly behind the door. “..in that palm. So, did you feel it? ---- “  He repeated his question. Listening, knowing he had lost his golden core made you uncomfortable. You could care less about your own golden core and spiritual power as you did not particularly need it for what you were studying but in his voice alone you could hear the silence of defeat. There was no more will in his tone. 

“ Well, do it again. Hit me again. “ Wei Wuxian spoke, trying to reassure his brother, but he only refused. “ No need. It’s the same, no matter how many times I hit you. --- Wei Wuxian, do you know how Core Melting Hand gets his title? “ Cheng continued, voice steady but without any melody. “Because he can use his hands to crush another person’s golden core. ---- Whoever is hit by him can never form his core and will become an ordinary man after losing your spiritual power. “ Their conversation went on but your thoughts kept spinning. You only ever heard highly of this young masters reputation. He was  arrogant and overconfident and exceptionally handsome, however, as to what you heard he seemed broken, not ready to be an ordinary man, as if it was the death sentence. It probably was the worst for any great cultivator to become ordinary, to become just a human being.  

As you listened he got louder, talking about how Wen Zuhliu had taken their parents live and you immediately felt bad for the actions of the Wen Clan. You knew the situation was bad, but hearing things from the ones you helped while being a Wen yourself made you realize how much you truly did dislike being part of the cultivation world. With a quiet sigh you walked in, speaking up calmly, pretending you did not hear a word of what had been spoken you put the soup down on the table. “Hello young Master Wei. Young Master Jiang. --- Wen Qing instructed me to bring some soup for young master. ” You explained simply, bowed and left quickly.

The conversation you had been part of, if so secretly, had bothered you for the rest of the day until late night where eventually you got up and went to the study, looking and reading through the books, trying to figure out how to restore ones golden core after losing it. You could do only so much as to let out a frustrated sigh, rubbing your tired eyes. A sense of deep fault started to brew in your chest, being regretful as to what your clan had done wrong. This would hunt you for generations, if there would be anyone left. 

You soon found out that  Wei Wuxian had the same thoughts as you. By any means you did not know any of the Jiang Clan family members, but after a long talk with Master Wei, you could eventually persuade him to let you help him find a solution to the problem until Qing, you and Wuxian were arguing as to why it was not possible to transfer one golden core to another person. The chances were low, one must have luck on their side for it to work but at some point the desicion had been made, nevertheless, it had taken lots of time for Wen Qing to be coaxed into this plan. You were fast to offer your core for the transplant and an explanation was barely needed, you only spoke a few words that night.

“ I barely cultivate. My core might not be the strongest but it is not the weakest either. I do not care for cultivation, I do not need to to study medicine, to make pills and antidotes for the poison I creat. ---- Besides, my family has created enough damage. Master Wei, I shall give Young Master Jiang my golden core. ---- “ 

The plan was easy. He had to follow a path up the hill where he would meet his brother’s mother Master who could restore his golden core by pretending to be Wei Wuxian, the pupils son. What you had not calculated was the never ending pain you went through for the next few days. The burning fire that went from your core all the way through your veins, on the edge of fainting every possible second, but that would mean, the moment you lost control of that, of your conciousness, was a lost core for another. You hanged in there with all your might to the point where you cried out of pain, a sound you never thought you could make would rip through the room. Your own sweat burning your eyes as you fought yourself, your vision soon had gone blurry from the dizziness in your head, the stinging pain in your head making you nauseous. It felt like as if you were torn apart from the inside, the pain was to another extend, something you could not explain in words, something no one could ever feel no matter how they would be tortured. You only had to withstand one more night and it was over and you could rest. Just one more night and the transfer of the golden core would be succsessful and you could lead a normal ordinary live.

TIME SKIP - THE TRUTH

You have lived an ordinary live in Yunmeng, quietly and in hiding after you clan had been more or less extinguished. It was odd for one Wen family member to live among the Jiang Clan in secret but you did the best you could to hide your identidy until Wei Wuxians return, who to your surprise brought along Wen Ning. You only observed from a distance but you could not be happier to see your cousin still alive and walking next to Young Master Wei.

It was only when you met Wen Qing in secret that Master Wei had found out and brought you into Lotus Pier which did cause you great trouble the moment you encountered Jiang Cheng, who to this day, still had not manage to control his temper. No Wen Clan member as expected to be alive and now to be faced with another one who was responsible for his family’s death had awoken something in him. Anger, rage, the fact that there was still a Wen walking in Lotus Peer alive and breathing. Not something one would expect after 16 years. 

You had no right to be here and you knew that, if it was only for Wei Wuxian that you had stepped into this territory, only for Wen Ning who seemed to be still the same, even after so many years, even if he was at the same time different. He was still family and if you did meet your death today, so it be.

There he stood, the Zidian in his hands gave of an energy that you could feel. The atmosphere was threathening. You had long stopped carrying your sword, no longer in need for it but of course Jiang Cheng insisted on it. “ Do you expect me to fight you without your sword? -- First you dare to step into Lotus Peer and now you even disrespect the general rules of cultivation. ” He spoke arrogantly, though his voice was underlying with rage. One could tell he was furious. “ I’m not here to fight, Clan Leader Jiang. --- I simply wanted to meet Wen Ning, it has been so long. ” You admitted quietly, reserved as always. “ I do not wish to cause more trouble. As for my sword, I have long stopped carrying it as I do not need it.” You explained quietly and with a steady voice as you bowed and turned to leave, just in that moment you felt the heat of a burning sting against your back, sending you flying to the ground in pain. Just before the second it hit you again, you could see someone blocking the hit for you, the rustling of chains being heard.  The hit of the zidian was clearly something you did underestimate, especially now that you were weaker than before. 

The only thing you could make out was that somebody picked you up as you heard a voice fainted in the background. Wei Wuxian has come to your side as Wen Ning explained the situation to him. It was a world known fact that nobody but yourself could draw their sword. It was in connection with your core, and once it died, it would seal itself forever. 

“ Because the sword considers you as Wen Y/N. ---- ” Ning spoke, his features blank as he continued to explain the situation to Cheng. “What does that mean?” The clan leader furiously enquired, panic in his tone. “How can it consider me as her? ---- Why me? ”

“Because the golden core, functioning in your system is hers. “ Finally the truth had come to live. Something that had been hidden for more than 16 years. The endless nights of searching up methods of how to make it less painful, how to make it quick and most importantly if it could work at all where finally revealed.

Wen Ning kept on explaining everything to Jiang Cheng, whereas Wei Wuxian still held you in his arms checking to see if you were still breathing from the inpact of the Zidian you had suffered. Wen Ning could explain everything in detail to him, from the day he went up the hill, met that woman who was Wen Qing pretending, to how exactly they had transfered your golden core to him.

Jiang Cheng was in disbelief. He did not want to believe a single word from that came from Ning’s mouth. How could a Wen possibly this selfless and give up their own golden core. He tried to understand but now matter how he tried to process this, it did not make any sense to him. He was in utter disbelief, at a loss for words. 

Again, he spoke. “You are talking nonsense. ---- ”

“I’m not. --  “ Ning countered. 

“Shut up!“ He did not want to hear it. None of it. “ My golden core...My golden core...”

“It was repaired by Baoshan Sanren. ---“ The ghost general continued.

“ How do you know that? Wei Wuxian, --- What did you tell them? “

“ No! - Master Wei never told anyone about it. --  I saw it with my own eyes. “ 

“Liar! -- You were there? How could that be possible? “ Wanyin yelled at Ning. “ I was the only one that went up that mountain. There was no way that you followed me. “

Wen Ning kept on telling the whole story yet Jian Cheng still did not dare to believe a single word. It wasn*t possible. They must be lying, it was the only reasonable explanation to what was going on. Was he going insane? Why were they lying?

“ How did you know about it? -- “

“ I told you. -- I was there. Not just me. But also Master Wei, my sister and my cousin was there as well. “

This went on for minutes, minutes that did feel like hours explaining why a stone could not float in the water.

“That is not true. You are lying. --- Then why was my golden core repaired?“

“It was never repaired! “ Wen Ning yelled loudly.

“ No, no, no. NO!“ 

“Clan Leader Jiang. You should have seen it coming. The reason why you thought your core was repaired was my sister Wen Qing, the best doctor of the Wen Clan of Qishan and the sacrifice of my cousins golden core, Wen Y/N. “

At this point, he had no words left, his vision had become blury. He did feel regret towards you. You gave him shelter, you gave him medicine and did treat him with respect, yet your name was tainted with blood shed of his family for all eternity which he simply could not forget. Will never forget, refused to forget.

“She removed Lady Y/N golden core and transplanted it into you. -- Even if she was supposed to fight you today, her spiritual power is weak. If she did draw the sword, she could not last very long. --- She is a Wen, of the Wen Clan. My cousin. ---- We are hated by the whole world. Where could she possibly go. If people had found out earlier that she was still alive, she would have been gone long enough. She had suffered for three nights and two days straight. She did have to be awake throughout the whole procedure. ---- It was painful. “

Jiang Cheng was shedding tears for someone he barely knew or maybe because he could not believe the act of kindness this was.

“She gave up her core because she did not need it. She did not mind being ordinary but the most important thing was, she felt guilty for all the things Wen Chao had done to your family, to all the families that were slaughtered because of our clan. --- She sacrificed herself as a reimbursement to the loss that had been inflicted to you.  Y/N had heard your conversation of how you could not stand being an ordinary man. -----  “

The scene fell quiet, as you were carried away bei Wuxian, closely followed by Wen Ning. Devastation was written all over his face, he became numb, the words echoing in his head, the memories of back then flashing before his eyes. He wondered how much she must’ve suffered? The pain she had to endure during those days. 

However,  how was he able to accept the fact that a Wen had given their golden core to him? The family, the clan he did despise the most.