#which means he got to introduce me to an amaretto that is. way better than the dissorrono one.

[autism-corner]

i cant be upset i literally have cool lighting

[timetravelingheart]

My Side of the Fence Part Sixteen: A.M. Imagine

This really isn’t what I wanted it to be and I felt a little like I boxed myself in, but I’ll get out of it. Just bear with me for this chapter, please. 

One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven TwelveThirteen Fourteen Fifteen

Auston wasn’t sure if Melanie would want to talk to him or not after he had basically ignored all of her attempts to reach out after he ended their...thing. He was still not entirely sure what to call it. He met Melanie at a time when all he really wanted out of women was company on lonely nights when all of his buddies in relationships were busy and good sex, and for the most part, that’s all they really seemed to want out of him as well. But Melanie was different, even though he didn’t realize it at first. 

They met at Jade’s birthday last season and Auston went back to her place that night, and then a few nights after that as well, and eventually it just kind of became a thing. He wasn’t used to regular hook-ups and usually tried to avoid them, but Melanie was smart, funny, and beautiful. She was great company and didn’t really care at all about hockey, which he actually liked. Before he knew it, they had been sleeping together for over two months and things were going well. But one day he was at Patrick and Christina’s house hanging out with their family when Patrick pulled him aside. 

Flashback, February 2018 

“Man, you have the best family,” Auston stated wistfully as he and Patrick moved set up the pool table in the basement. The boys were off to bed after a few intense games of mini sticks and Christina was out at the movies with some girlfriends, so the two hockey players were left to their own devices for the evening. When Patrick asked Auston to hang back for a bit, while not unusual, Auston knew something was on his mind. 

“I can’t deny that,” Patrick laughed lightly, counting his blessings every time he thought of his boys and the love of his life. He knew it wasn’t easy on Christina during the season to take care of their rambunctious brood, and he was so grateful to her for letting him live both of his dreams simultaneously with hockey and their family. “So what about you? You’ve been seeing Melanie for a bit now. That’s a little different for you.”

Auston sighed. He wasn’t sure what to really say about the situation with Melanie and he didn’t want to come across as an ass, especially in front of someone he respected as much as he did Patty. But he also knew that Patty would see through any bullshit in an instant and call him on it, albeit in more of a fatherly way than Mitch or Mo would. 

“Yeah, I mean, I guess it’s been a while,” he mumbled. To be honest, he had been trying not to think of how long it had been and analyzing what that meant. 

“She seems great, smart girl,” Patrick lined up his break, sinking a solid. He had only met her once at an event Jade and Kadri had hosted, and she really did seem nice. She seemed like she had a great head on her shoulders and was sincere. Even Christina acknowledged it, so he knew it must be true. The significant others of hockey players were pretty quick to sniff out any additions who looked to be there for the wrong reasons and always saw through it way before any of the players actually did, or wanted to admit at least. 

“Oh, she is,” Auston nodded sincerely, watching as Patty missed his next shot and started lining up his own. “She’s great.”

“And?” Patrick prodded, leaning on his cue stick. “There has to be more to it if this is the first girl you’ve seen more than once in how long?”

Auston sighed, missing his shot. “She’s great,” he repeated. “And being with her has made me realize that I’m tired of just seeing a girl once and for one thing. I look at you and Christina and Mitch and Steph, and a year ago I would have laughed in your face if you asked if I wanted that. Or if I felt ready for that.”

“And now?”

“And now it’s almost all I think about,” he answered truthfully. Patrick reminded him a lot of his mom in that he could get you to spill just about anything and you wouldn’t feel even remotely vulnerable. “But not with her.”

Patrick nodded. While Melanie was great, he could tell from a mile away that Auston wasn’t really in ‘it’ with her. He was just waiting for his moment to get into the head of his younger friend without all of their nosy and opinionated - and well-intentioned - teammates around. 

“So why are you still with her?”

Auston took his shot and missed, shaking his head at himself. Patrick felt for the kid. Before Christina, he was a mess himself. He met her pretty young, thankfully, but he remembered what it felt like to be with someone who wasn’t exactly what you were looking for.

“Look, you know I’m not judging you. But for both of your sakes, if you want a relationship and it’s not with her, you know what you have to do. Besides,” he paused to sink his last ball, winning the game, “the longer you’re with the wrong girl, the more time you spend without the right one.” 

That night was the night Auston went over to Melanie’s house and ended things with her. When he expressed interest in being in a relationship, she asked if he had considered trying it with her. He hated how he felt and how she looked when he told her no. And he promised himself from that day forward to not make anyone else ever look that way because of him. He was done looking for girls to just sleep with and was ready for a relationship. 

He had to laugh a bit at himself though, considering the current situation he got himself into. But he knew the payoff in the end would be worth it. Being with Savannah in every sense of the word would always be worth it, he was sure of it. 

“Matts,” Mitch nudged Auston from his spot next to him on the couch, breaking him from his memory. Mitch nodded in the direction of Savannah, who was now leaning on the railing and chatting idly with Jade. Melanie was heading right in their direction and Auston immediately felt the urge to intervene, but Mitch’s grip on his thigh stopped him. 

“Mitch, they can’t-” Auston started, eyes blazing. 

“It will be fine,” Mitch stated calmly. “Just let it happen. If you do anything, it’s only going to make things worse for both of them.”

Angry and nervous, Auston could only stay seated with his friend and watch the next events unfold. 

__

“Savannah, thank you so much for coming out tonight! I know Nazem really likes you,” Jade affectionately touched Savannah’s arm as the two women leaned against the railing looking out over the bar. “And I know you don’t really go out much.”

Savannah nodded, sipping at her amaretto sour. “I really don’t, so what better time than to celebrate a couple of the boys? Thank you for inviting me!” She was having a good time so far and really felt welcomed by the whole Leafs family. It was nice to be part of that. Sometimes the skating world, especially the individual skating world, got a little lonely. While she loved her Team Canada teammates and friends, the day to day always felt a little lonely. 

“Jade!” a tall, beautiful blonde walked up to the two ladies, pulling Jade into a big hug. 

“Mel! I didn’t think you were going to make it!” Jade squeezed her back. “Oh, I have to introduce you. Melanie, this is Savannah. Savannah, this is one of my dearest friends, Melanie.” 

The beautiful blonde turned to Savannah and recognition immediately crossed her model features. “Oh my gosh, you’re Savannah Lane! You were amazing in Pyeongchang! My whole family was cheering for you.” 

Savannah warmed to her immediately, to the sincerity clear in her voice. While she hated that she was recognized on a night out, particularly on a night out with the local hockey team, she hoped that because this girl was clearly used to these people that it would be okay. 

She laughed warmly, reaching out her hand to shake the star-struck girl. “I am! It’s nice to meet you.” 

“Naz is calling for me,” Jade turned to the girls. “Do you girls need another drink or anything?” The two girls shook their heads and watched as Jade away before turning back to each other. 

“Have you known this group for a long time?” Savannah asked politely. 

“I’ve been friends with Jade for years,” Melanie nodded as she sipped her vodka cranberry. “Actually, I used to kind of have a thing with one of the players.” Based on her grimace, Savannah could tell whatever the thing was, it didn’t end well. Not one for gossip, she had no intention of prying. 

“Oh, I see,” she said, lamely. “Well, it’s nice that you were still able to come out for the event.”  

“To be honest, I was a little worried it would be awkward,” Melanie rambled, clearly not caring if Savannah wanted to know or not. “I haven’t been around the guys for a while since everything with Auston.”

Savannah’s stomach dropped at his name. Fuck. She should have known. Before she could say anything in an attempt to steer the conversation away from whatever thing Auston and Melanie had, Melanie pressed on. 

“Yeah, we actually used to date. Well, I guess you could call it that. I’m not sure what Auston would call it.”

“I see,” Savannah sipped her drink, willing herself to remain polite and fighting her urge to duck and run. She didn’t need to know about Auston’s past. She didn’t want to know. The more distance she kept between herself and Auston’s love life, the better. Ironic, she knew, considering the nature of their current relationship, but it worked for her. Melanie, still not reading Savannah’s lack of interest, continued.

“I’m sure I’m better off,” she sighed wistfully. “He’s a great guy, but has serious commitment issues. He told me that he was done hooking up with girls and since we were seeing each other pretty regularly, I figured that meant he was all in with me. And then out of nowhere he says that he doesn’t want anything serious with me and then just ignored all of my calls after that.” She shook her head, clearly still affected by their end. Savannah stood still, not saying a word. 

Melanie seemed to finally clue in that Savannah wasn’t responding, turning to the petite girl next to her. “I’m so sorry for dropping all of that on you! I don’t know where that came from. I guess I’m just nervous being in the same room as him again. Oh gosh, I didn’t even think to ask - how do you know everyone?”

Savannah cleared her throat. “I’ve been friends with Stephanie, Mitch’s girlfriend, for years. I recently moved back to Toronto so she introduced me to the team. They’ve become a bit of a family for me here.”

"Oh, thank god,” Melanie breathed a sigh of relief. “You were so quiet that I was worried you were seeing Auston and I just made things awkward.”

Savannah wanted to laugh. Actually she wanted to bang her head on a wall and cry at how stupid she was being and how utterly ridiculous this entire situation was. But, she couldn’t do either of those things, so instead she resorted to her go-to performance perfect smile and shook her head softly. “No, no don’t worry. Auston and I are just friends.” 

Even to her the words were starting to feel like a ridiculous lie, but she held on to them with all her might. Those two words anchored her; they kept one foot on the ground whenever the other started to tread dangerous waters. And lately, the waters had been even rockier and murkier than usual and Savannah wasn’t sure how much longer she could stay in without someone going overboard and getting hurt. Careful, she reminded herself. 

“With your crazy career, it must be hard to date?” Melanie asked, genuinely curious. Savannah hated how sweet Melanie was. If she were awful, Savannah would feel no guilt at ending this conversation here and now, but she stuck with it. 

"Yeah, it definitely can be,” she nodded. “Sometimes it’s better to just have a singular focus. Eyes on the prize, and all of that.”

Eyes on the prize. That was always the goal. But how come the concept of the prize was starting to feel a little hollow? She wanted another gold. In fact, she wanted two more golds with the team event as well. And she would get them. But at what expense? Fuck, she thought. This is exactly why she doesn’t drink and absolutely why she had made the promise she did. Two months ago she wouldn’t be questioning any of this. What was happening to her?

"Well you were amazing in the last Olympics, so it seems like whatever you’ve been doing has been working for you,” Melanie pulled Savannah from her thoughts once again. This conversation needed to end and it needed to end now. 

But before she could say anything, Melanie spoke again, this time staring off into the distance. “Maybe I should see tonight as an opportunity to get things right this time? Maybe he just wasn’t sure of himself last time. Do you know if he’s seeing anyone?” Savannah followed her eye-line and was unsurprised to make eye contact with Auston. He stared at her intently, brown locked on green, as if he were willing her to be okay. She could tell he was antsy and knew he would be wondering about the conversation the two girls were having. She shook her head subtly, silently telling him not to worry. He kept his gaze locked on hers; Savannah, for her part, didn’t feel as strong in her own mind and cut off their stare, eyes returning to the tall girl next to her. 

“No. No, I don’t think he is.” Please go away, please go away, she begged. 

“Okay, I think a need a little more liquid courage and then I’ll see where this night takes me. I should probably get back to my friends. It was really nice to meet you, and again, I’m so sorry for talking your ear off!” Melanie squeezed Savannah’s arm gently and gave a little wave before wandering off. 

Before Savannah could even let out the breath she was holding, Stephanie was at her side and pulling her by the hand away from the railing. “Let’s go outside for a minute.”

Auston watched in desperation as Steph dragged Savannah down the stairs. Steph wouldn’t leave without telling Mitch, he knew that. But he wanted to know what Melanie told her and if he needed to do any damage control. Everything had been going so well save for this afternoon. And since he still didn’t have an honest answer to explain why Savannah had dodged him all day, he was feeling even more insecure than usual about their situation. 

When Steph and Savannah stepped out onto the back patio, Savannah released a long breath and folded her arms across her chest. The October air was cold this time at night, but she welcomed the breeze; it was comforting to her by reminding her of the rink. She felt safe in this cool space, lit only by twinkling lights around the patio fence. A few people were outside as well, so Steph pulled Savannah off to a quiet corner and sat her down on one of the cushioned benches. 

"So you met Melanie,” Steph stated plainly.

"Mhm. Nice girl.”

"She really is,” Steph genuinely agreed. “Are you okay?”

"Why wouldn’t I be?” Savannah shrugged. 

Steph rolled her eyes. “Sav, you’re too smart to play dumb.”

"So she dated Auston. Why should it matter?” Savannah tried to remain nonchalant. 

"It shouldn’t, but based on the look on your face right now, I’m guessing it does matter,” Steph’s tone turned gentler, more nurturing. As much of a pain in the ass as Savannah could be when she was stubborn and attempting to remain unemotional, Steph knew this wasn’t easy for her and even if Savannah didn’t want to admit it, Steph knew why. “Maybe a little more than you were expecting?”

Savannah kept her eyes glued to her fidgeting hands on her lap. If Auston were here, he would have taken her small, always cold hands into his massive, always warm ones. He did it to ground her to him, to them, and to their situation at hand, whatever it may be. And while she hated herself for it, she craved that feeling in this moment and she craved it specifically from him. The thought brought tears to her eyes that she expertly willed away. She was relying on years of practice of maintaining composure in front of others, not wanting anyone to know how deeply affected she was. But Steph knew her through and through and Savannah knew she couldn’t hide from her. Tears willed away, she returned Steph’s concerned gaze.

“It can’t matter, Steph. I just…it can’t matter,” she shook her head, her resolve coming back strong. “It doesn’t matter. But I do have to talk to Auston.”

The night of 21 questions and the night this all started came flooding back to her. He had said that if he were looking for a serious relationship, the last girl he was with wasn’t who it would be with. She knew based on the timeline that the girl was Melanie. But did that mean he actually was looking for a relationship? Had he been lying to her this entire time about being okay with just keeping things casual? Had she been leading him on to think that this could be something more? Her head was swimming with questions and she needed answers.

"About?” Steph asked tentatively. The determined look on Savannah’s face was one she was deeply familiar with, and was usually fiercely proud of. But in this moment, she couldn’t help but be concerned. 

"To clear some things up. We have rules and I need to know that they are still in place. This doesn’t work without those rules and without both of us knowing where we stand.” 

Steph fought the urge to groan. Savannah’s entire life was governed by rules and logic and reasoning and schedules and narratives and just so many restrictions that made Steph’s head swim. Some placed on her by Skate Canada, her coaches, the media - but a lot were placed on her by her own doing. Savannah wanted to be the best and after dealing with the rumours and the bullshit Dylan put her through and how awful he tried to make her feel when she expressed that, Stephanie knew it wasn’t easy for Savannah to let go of or alter her boundaries. What happened with Auston was an anomaly and Steph was hopeful it meant that Savannah was easing up on herself and finding a happy balance. But the look on Savannah’s face was telling her that balance was not on her horizon and Auston had absolutely no idea what he was in for.

“Come on,” Savannah stood up and held out a hand to Steph. “You look like you’re about to turn as blue as the colour of your eyes.” Savannah pulled Steph to her feet and wrapped an arm around her waist. 

“Sav, you know that your life doesn’t have to be all about rules, right? You can win gold without sacrificing other areas of your life and happiness,” Steph paused before they could enter the loud bar again. 

“I’m happy Steph,” Savannah smiled tightly at her friend, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She laughed lightly at her best friend’s concerned eyes and squeezed her hands. “Don’t worry about me, munchkin. I’m doing what I love and I’m happy. Eyes on the prize,” this time she said it with more determination and finality. 

Steph sighed and returned the hand squeeze, knowing it was no use to talk to Savannah when she had her mind set on something, especially something as important to her as the Olympics. Very few people truly understood Savannah’s determination, Steph included. In fact, she often felt like there was a distance between them in the shape of that very determination. But at the end of the day, her best friend worked her ass off to get to where she was and she loved that she wasn’t going to let anyone or anything stand in her way of her dreams. She just wished that Savannah didn’t view love as an obstacle or a distraction or something to fear; love could be another source of strength if she just let it. Steph only hoped that Auston would stick it out and prove that to her. 

When the girls returned to the upper floor, Savannah scanned quickly for Auston and found him leaning against the railing with Morgan and Mitch. They looked to be deep in conversation. Steph nudged Savannah gently. When she followed Steph’s eye line, she spotted Melanie laughing and clearly flirting with another guy Savannah didn’t recognize. So, she must have already talked to Auston. As much as Savannah wanted to know how that conversation went, she knew it was important to maintain her current line of thinking. 

As if they felt their eyes on them, the three men turned to see that the girls had returned. Mitch immediately moved towards Steph and pulled her into his side. He knew something had happened outside and could tell by the look on his girlfriend’s face that she wasn’t entirely happy. He had a bad gut feeling that her unhappiness was a sign of his best friend’s unhappiness to come. Morgan could feel the tension radiating from both Auston and Savannah, as well as the unease and concern Mitch and Stephanie were emitting, and took it upon himself to step in. 

“So, you two ladies ready to rejoin the night? Hit the dance floor maybe?” he joked, doing an awkward shuffle dance. Fortunately he received a few laughs from everyone, but could tell the tension wasn’t quite broken. 

“As tempting as it would be to see those moves on a bigger stage Mo, I think I might head home and leave the dancing to everyone else tonight,” Savannah smiled softly.

“I’ll take you home,” Auston replied instantly, not willing to let her run away from him this time. 

“Oh, you don’t have to. Stay and have fun with your friends,” Savannah offered, now noticing how Mitch, Steph, and Morgan all quietly and subtly left them on their own and walked to the other side of the floor. 

Auston watched as she fidgeted with her earring, a tick he was noticing she did whenever she felt uncertain or uncomfortable and fought the urge to squeeze her hand in his to ground her back to him, to them. “Sav, let me take you home, please.” Don’t run, he felt himself begging. Don’t run from me.

Savannah dropped her hand from her earring, letting it hang loosely by her side. You can do this. Eyes on the prize. 

“Okay, let’s go.”