#which means even when im trying hard to recover i still subconsciously know what im eating
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yuseirra · 7 days ago
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Here's what I think has been happening on onk(chronological order)
Surprisingly, EVERYTHING CAN COME TOGETHER IF WE INCORPORATE THE GODLY/FANTASY ELEMENTS THIS SERIES HAS. So I'll write it down.
-Ai(Amenouzume-no-mikoto) and Hikaru(Satutahiko okami) were gods who blessed the industry as gods of entertainment. Amenouzume decides it would be a good idea to explore the human realm as "an ordinary girl you can find anywhere", excited from the love she receives from the people.
-She hops off to earth and reincarnates as Ai.
-Hikaru finds out and reincarnates as himself. They are born a year apart because of the time difference of the godly realm and the human world.
-They forget everything about their past life as gods and begin living as human beings. However, they are still gods in essence, and they need to receive "love" in order to function properly the way they originally did as gods, for a god's "presence" and "significance" comes through worship, which is a form of love and attention from the people.
-Hikaru and Ai both have a hard time being understood and blending in with others because "they are too beautiful". They both get abused as a child and Ai is sent to a children's home, while Hikaru is predated on and molested from a VERY young age. Originally the virtuous god, and the god of the right paths, knowing what is right or wrong is especially important for Hikaru. He keeps trying to please others the way he did as a god by complying to what people wants out of him, and believes it should be the right way to receive love, and gets broken severely in the process. As for Ai, Amenouzume blesses love affairs and marriages with her husband originally. But her situation makes her unable to comprehend what love actually is. Both gods start fundamentally becoming destroyed and start straying off from what they are supposed to be originally.
-They find each other when they reach their middle school years. Hikaru manages to help and guide Ai onto the right path subconsciously, and improves her self-destructive tendencies. However, he himself gets gaslit by his abuser and gets severely destroyed. Earlier, I mentioned these two need "love" im order to function properly. Ai manages to obtain some amount of it through her idol work, and Hikaru tries to get it from Ai. However, since Ai was already quite broken and was only healing herself, so she isn't able to give all the light he needs. Thus, Hikaru doesn't recover from his hollow state and his eye starts getting fixed onto the black, fallen state. Because of this, his character as a god starts shifting into the opposite of what he's originally supposed to be. He becomes the "god who loves absurdity and unreasonableness" before he realizes it, and starts leading people's futures into disaster.
-Seeing what he's become, the gods feel the need to replace him with a new sun god, because Sarutahiko is a sun god in his very core. They decide to assign "Amaterasu", who's the stronger sun god, and the one who actually does replace him in the myths as well to take his place. At this point, Hikaru even twists his own fortune and the ones around him in a disastrous direction due to his leaking powers. People start either turning more insane around him or even die as well. As for Ai, she becomes pregnant unexpectedly and she ends up leaving him concerned for his sake but he has no idea of her intentions. Their children were not meant to be born alive, but Tsukuyomi decides they'll make the right vessel for Amaterasu(Ruby) and Susannoo(Aqua) who'd each be assigned a role. Amaterasu will help her mother and replace her father. Susannoo must protect his sister and take down his father. They inherit the star eyes from their parents. The white comes from their mother, who still managed to keep some love, while the black comes from their father, who's devoid of it and has shifted into the black star(a fallen god)
-Ai gets murdered, finally learns what it means to love someone and what she is in her last moments as a human being, and returns to being Amenouzume, as the white star. She returns to bless people from the industry the way she's done, and dwells in the "white star eyes" as a blessing. She's the "god who loves people."
-Hikaru blames himself for Ai's murder and falls into despair. From that point on, he devotes his entire life to find a way to bring her back. He considers himself as Ai's killer.
-Aqua loses all the will to live, is influenced by the black star, the guiding god who is his father, to not die yet and continue living for revenge. He is convinced that his father is the one that's killed his mother despite it having little base. This thought was influenced by Hikaru. Ruby decides to become an idol to sparkle and shine the way Ai's did. This is her instinct as Amaterasu that illuminates all.
-Hikaru, at some point, realizes that he is a god in essence. He decides to use his powers as one to lie and manipulate people, in order for his mission to bring Ai back. He craves her "love" and finds a company under the name of "EYES", for she can be found in the "eyes" of people she's bestowed her powers and love in. He tries to find a way to revive her, but that is in vain, so he chooses to become closer to her instead, through collecting her lights. He also "does what he can do for Ai" by giving his godly wife offerings and trying to "increase her significance", for that's what gods need.
-Ai and Hikaru both help their children through their powers when they need them through their "eyes". Hikaru, out of self-hatred and maybe out of his sliver of kindness left within him, aids his children to come after him and kill him when they wish for that to happen. He helps Ruby with her career and Aqua with his plans, but since he himself is twisted, his soul keeps breaking down the further he strays down the wrong path and his children does too when they use his power. Hikaru loses almost all his nobility as he does, and Aqua's soul breaks significantly too, so Tsukuyomi goes to warn him about it.
-Hikaru's goals are almost complete by the time Ai's movie's finished and ready for screening. He decides he'll go see Ai but before that, he decides to act out of his fatherly feelings and visit his children with her one last time. He listens to Ruby's wish and grants them, gets surprised that she does have the potential to shine even brighter than Ai which was her wish. His eyes briefly turn white, affected by the love Ruby emits from her eyes. Then he decides to approach Aqua next and grant his son's wish too. Since he believes him and Ai wanted revenge on him and wished for his downfall, he grants those in advance. However, Aqua shows him the message Ai's left for his sake, wishing to help him out if he's lost, and her confession of love. This was unexpected, and he's significantly startled.
-The rest is as follows in 155-162. His intentions or what he's thinking here are very vague. But he tells Nino no turn herself in, and watches Ruby's concert. This must have to do with him "wishing to do something for Ai" one way or another. Then when Aqua comes to kill him, he tries to persuade him to go back and live. But THAT fails. When he tells his son about the same eyes they share, he's actually telling him of the powers he's granted him of. Wasn't it nice? He says, because...it's HIM that's helped him through it. Hikaru also knows REALLY well of what Aqua wants because he was watching his children through his eyes.
-Aqua decides to carry on his mission and protect Ruby. Having Hikaru alive is dangerous, his power is too arbitrary and hazardous. Aqua declares that his godly father will never have what he wants his way, and he has to die here with him for Ruby's future. As Susanoo, Aqua has an advantage over Hikaru, who's the sun-land god, over water. In turn, he decides to achieve this by drowning him. Aqua puts his own life to seal the deal for, Hikaru isn't someone who can die normally. Human laws won't constrict him either since he CAN tamper with people's futures regardless of space if he puts his mind to it. Being put in jail will not prevent anything, it's not like his powers don't work behind bars. The guy HAS to go.
-Upon hearing this, Hikaru despairs because it's the LAST thing he wants to happen. For his goals(that probably has to do with meeting Ai or of her presence in some way) to fail last moment, and his son dying, that's so far from what he wants. It isn't about his own life being at stake that's the problem for him, because he's already stated in that conversation he has with Aqua that it's not a bad thing for him to die if it means Ai's life would carry more weight from it (this logic stems from the idea that Ai is a god who takes tributes. He's willing to give it to her if that's necessary, the way it is in Mephisto.) Ironically, it's as if his own powers that he's been using in order to get what he's wanted finally having backfired at his most crucial moment. Hikaru, whether he wanted it or not, kept twisting people's futures and ruining them into their worst futures after he turned into a fallen god. And now, he pays his own price by having his future twisted the very moment he could achieve what he's finally wanted.
-He panics, keeps insisting Aqua shouldn't do it, but Aqua goes through with it and they both fall into the waters. Upon falling into the sea, Hikaru thinks of Ai and how he only ever felt like living while he was with her. He also thinks he can't die here YET. He had something to do in order to turn his own wishes into a reality. Finally, as he completely falls into darkness, he thinks that it's too bad he could not kill Ruby, for that's what would have let him feel Ai again. From what I'm getting at, killing Ruby really could have given him such results. By the end of the series, Ruby has obtained the eyes that can send out love to people, which may be identical or even stronger than her own mother's. She's the one who shines brighter than anyone in the onk world as confirmed by Hikaru himself, and her abilities comfirmed through Aqua. She's fully blessed by Ai, and Ai's love dwells and radiates from within her. Hikaru would have definitely become closer to Ai if he managed to seize Ruby's lights. However, seeing how nothing really happened to Ruby's concert when it happened, I feel Hikaru wasn't planning to really go through with killing her, actually.. If he was going to do something for Ai, would that be achieved from harming Ruby in the process? Is this guy really that messed up? I think what he's thought was formed from his regrets and a device to show how fallen he's become, if he were going to die this way, he at least should have made an attempt to get Ai back because he knew of a way that'd achieve it for sure. I personally think it was his last shred of humanity that's kept him from going that far even while having known that. He once referred to Ruby as his and Ai's child, what they have between them. That's in anime S2 and I felt that was pretty loving of him. I feel like he's the god who's helped her music video become a great hit, and the god responsible for having her career prosper when she wanted revenge. I mean in Mephisto, he URGES his children to get back at him. He hates himself because he thinks he's the one who's responsible for causing Ai's death. After that, he gets dragged off to hell by the black hands of the souls that suffered from his powers I guess. Unlike Aqua, I doubt his body will be found. In one of the myths, Sarutahiko is said to have drowned but what's happened to him after that remains ambigious and we don't really know if he's really perished or not. It'd probably be same for his case.
-Ai was very worried of Hikaru saying he was crushed by the weight of life and heavily afflicted by the darkness of the industry. This is what happened in a very literal sense for his case, because he is a god affected directly by the industry's nature itself. If it's good, he can be the kindest god who blesses everyone. If it's tainted and evil, he becomes evil with it. He was pretty much beyond recovery after they took his only support, his love of his life away. In turn, in reaction to that, he became a catastrophe that could only be taken down through the life of our very beloved protagonist. He became that messed up. So is all this evil in the industry his fault? No, he was still so kind;; I still can see his caring nature left as a remnant...he didn't deserve to become like this! Someone save him!!!
-Ruby will shine as the next sun god, as Amaterasu. She'll emit light through her eyes and spread love in the industry, and "save" people. However, I'm not sure if they will have her save someone in a really solid and practical sense as in saving lives of the ones that are dead in the story. It seems really unlikely seeing how the story is going. Whereas onk has these fantasy elements to it that CANNOT happen in the real world, it still seems persistent about the matter of life and death. If Ai could have been brought back to life, Hikaru would have been able to do it and everyone would have been happier, but even he couldn't even though he definitely has something weird going on about him. But if Ruby's the strongest deity in all of Japanese mythology... and they did start out with the sentiment that the whole world is fiction and all, she'd probably be able to make SOMEONE happy with her powers, I have no idea who that would be, maybe Aqua can be reunited with her as a normal little boy if he gets a third chance in life because WHAT WAS HIS LIFE REALLY??? If you think about it, yeah!! His whole life got tied up in this mess and he had to die twice?? If there's a god who's assigned him of such a fate, they need to take responsibility!! (which is likely Tsukuyomi which IS, why I get annoyed at her and call her tears crocodile tears because wouldn't Aqua have lived if he didn't have a mission to begin with? Isn't she the one who kept urging Aqua to continue avenging his father or something?; Or was that Hikaru too out of self-hatred but Hikaru DIDN'T want his son to die from what I see, his fatherly feelings towards his children are actually real and pretty much there.) Maybe Ai may appear as a goddess in the final chapter and reassign Aqua a happy life out of her love towards him. (but save Hikaru too omygod;;)
That's a summary of what I think's been happening regarding the entirety of onk's plot, mostly revolving around Ai and Hikaru's true nature as gods. If the story is like this, it can make complete sense while taking away a message that's pretty meaningful to think about still although, I still think this shouldn't have happened to Aqua at all. Give him back his future, I didn't come here to see his funeral. And Hikaru was a good boy. Ai deserves better too. Ruby, save everyone. That is all!
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iwontstopme · 2 years ago
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its oatmeal time, some strawberries too
117.6 at weigh in this morning, walked to work and having some coffee rn. ive been trying to do intermittent fasting, which works well enough in the morning cause i get nauseous if i try to eat before 8 or 9, but after i start fasting in the afternoon i get ansty....
anyways im gonna have some oatmeal for breakfast and i really love oatmeal so (:
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bedtimebrain · 4 years ago
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EXO KAI: Detective Gone Wrong P2
Characters: JonginxYou
You came to know Jongin by accident, but have no clue he’s EXO’s Kai. And when you found out....
Part 1 Part 3
Your text messages with Jongki didn’t just stop there after that night. You guys texted frequently, on and off work. Though neither of you always replied instantly, the conversation kept going.
Jongki seems to have really long working hours occasionally. You were still not sure what kind of job he does, he seems to be doing a variety of things during his working hours, and even travels around sometimes.
You came to a weak conclusion that he might be a fitness trainer for those rich family wives, which explains why he would need to go to the gym during his working hours and his nice body. You decided to tell him you wild Guess tonight when you go over.
‘Jongki oppa!’ You knocked on his door and shouted excitedly.
‘annyeong Y/N!’
‘I came with food bribes to use your TV! Ginseng chicken soup!’ You presented the thermal pot to him at the door removed your shoes
‘Anyway it’s meant for you, i already ate some at home before coming over. I mean it’s almost 9pm, I’m sorry I couldn’t wait to eat w you’ you added
‘Gumawo, this food bribe is more than what I expected, haha. I’m gna eat on the dining table, just use the TV’
‘Woohoo!’ You cheered and speeded over to his sofa and switched on his TV while he set his dining table.
‘Oppa! You have Netflix? I’m gna use it ok!’
Seeing how excited you are he couldn’t help but laugh.
‘Omo 100 days my prince. My friend loves this show, she say loves the male lead! Oppa did u watch this?? Or are u not into dramas?’ You turned your head back to ask jongki who was eating at the dining table
‘100 days my prince ?! Wow, I guess it’s really popular among the females. No I didn’t watch the full thing, just here and there.’
You loudly declared you were going to watch it, and toggled to watch the first episode. But you were hooked. You couldn’t stop at the first episode, by the time you were done with the second it was already past 12.
Nicely, jongki also came out from the shower as your episode ended. Saying your byes and your goodnights, you thanked him for hosting and he thanked you back for the food. You headed home, it was a good night indeed!
Again in that week, you both decided to meet for supper. Over supper you asked
‘Oppa I wanted to ask you previously but I forgot, are you a fitness trainer for rich people? You have such a nice body and you earn so much and you have not so regular working hours. I’ve been thinking about it..’
‘No I’m not! Why are you always coming up with strange conclusions, hahah. I’m pretty sure I don’t sound like a fitness trainer right, I told you I just came from a show’ he said as he stuffed the ssambap into his mouth
‘Right , I thought so too. Are you a model then? I’m sorry but I know you have abs’ you said it with your mouth full and sent a wink to him, making him laugh
‘How would you know I have abs! I’m not a model but you’re close hahaha’
‘Ok, I’ll continue thinking about it then, haha’
—-
‘Oppa, don’t you think the male lead is really charming? I found out his name, he’s do kyungsoo from EXO!!’ You kept your eyes on the screen , oblivious to the questioning look jongki had on his face.
Tonight, you were at Jongki’s place after work again, to catch up on 100 days my prince since he was home.
The past few times you watched, he never sat down with you as he was always busy with chores. But today he decided to, and he was starting to irritate you when he kept cracking up once in a while.
‘Oppa what’s so funny? You’re so annoying!’You threw a cushion at him , but he caught it and stuck his tongue out at you
At the end of the episode, Jongki quickly took the remote on the table.
‘I’m deciding what to watch next!’ He gloated
But the previous episode ended on a cliff hanger! You weren’t going to let him have it. You attempted to snatch the remote from him and you both ended up in a chase around the house.
Obviously you weren’t going to win against the owner, giving up, you both sat back down on the sofa, panting and dying of laughter. Looking up at the TV screen, it was now on YouTube. You guys must have accidentally switched the screen while fooling around.
His YouTube homepage were all EXO Kai dance videos. Not that you know exactly who that is but you heard about him.
‘Ohhhh opppaaaaa you’re an EXO fan? You like EXO Kai~’ you raised your brows at him and said it in a teasing tone
But he started kneeling over in laughter. You didn’t get what’s so funny though, but anyway you continued asking
‘Oppa can you dance ? Im sure you like dancing right? Show me please !!!!’
Recovering from his fits of laugh, he looked straight at you
‘You really wanna see?’
‘YES!!’ You shouted like a fangirl.
He connected his phone to his speaker and started playing some pop song that was totally not your style. It went something like ‘don’t mess up my tempo~~’. Though the song wasn’t really blessing your ears but jongki’s dancing was absolutely world class in your opinion.
You didn’t know much about dancing. But damn, anyone would know he’s a good dancer. Though he was just dancing for fun, just for you, he bothered with his facial expressions, giving life to his dance. You felt your heart started thumping, as you realise how attractive jongki was in this moment.
When it came to an end, you did a standing ovation just for him and cheered.
‘You’re hella hot, I’m serious.’ You raised a thumbs up at him and he got a little shy at your honest compliments
‘How are you not attached if you’re so eligible though. How do girls around you not fall for you?’
Seeming not too sure how to answer your question, he started
‘Uhm, actually I’ve been in and out of relationships. But I guess they dont really last because of the nature of my job? And some other reasons I guess’
‘Are you a back up dancer ? That’s why? I mean it can be little hard if you’re always dancing with hot girls or something’ you replied thoughtfully
‘About love, I’m fine, fate will come. But Y/N, I look like a back up dancer to you?’ He was all serious as he asked, and you were a little shocked
Teasing him, you replied ‘you’re the main dancer in my heart’ and you showed him a heart sign. His expression softened, showing that ‘I’m so done with you’ face
‘Oppa I know you’re done with my nonsense for tonight, and I’m not going to watch your Kai dancing videos, you can slowly watch them when I’m home sleeping. Bye~ see you soon’ you picked up your belongings and gave him a side hug as you said your goodbyes.
—-
‘Y/N ah, let’s watch a horror movie tonight.’
Tonight you both were having supper take out at his place, since it was too cold to go outside. By the time the food arrived it was already late, but you didn’t mind since you had an off the next day.
‘But I really can’t , I’ll have indigestion’ you pouted
Not really taking your aegyo jongki insisted ‘I’m sorry , we are watching it. At most we finish our supper first’
And he was smug about it, especially when you kept whining after.
‘Oppa, I’m warning you. I might scream, cry, bite you or tear your clothes apart because I’m a scaredy cat. Don’t regret your decision’ you warned him just before he offed the lights
The movie barely started but you were already feeling scared. You moved closer to him and hugged the cushions tightly. At every scary part you looked away and leaned closer to jongki without thinking.
Omg omg, the jump scare is coming!
You quickly shut your eyes as the story progressed to it’s main crux.
‘YOUR SOULS SHALL BE MINE’
The boom of the zombie’s voice sent you in a scream and you jumped onto jongki. You hugged him tightly and burst into tears, you were scared out of your life.Of course, this got jongki cracking up instead.
‘It’s just a movie , don’t be scared’ He put his arms around and gave your shoulders a rub.
After you calmed down a little, you attempted to sit up and recover the distance between the both of you. But suddenly there were flashes of light from the TV. And you headed right for Jongki’s chest, grasping him tightly.
‘I DONT WANNA WATCH ANYMORE’ you yelled and sobbed hard
Seeing how you were really in a bad state, jongki gave in and stopped the movie.
‘Y/N I’ll go on the light, ok?’ He tried to free himself from your hold but you weren’t letting him go, you were scared and when you were scared you were clingy like a child. Getting the hint, he stayed beside you and let you cry your fears out. Feeling a little bad about this, he apologised softly ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know you hated it so much’
‘I definitely won’t be able to sleep tonight. You jerk’ you threw a punch on his chest and said in between hitches of breaths, not really calm yet.
He tucked your head under his chin and pat you lightly, hoping to comfort you the best he could. Your eyes started to feel swollen and heavy from all the crying, together with his rhythmic pats, it all produced a hypnotic effect on you. Without even knowing, you drifted off to sleep.
You had no idea how long you were asleep for before you woke up to see jongki laying you down on the bed.
He turned around ready to leave but you reached out for his hand before he walked far. You could feel him gently trying to remove himself from your hold but you subconsciously asked
‘can you stay for a while?’
He lightly tapped your hand, and you let go of it. The next thing you feel was the bed dipping down on the other side.
Opening your eyes, you saw jongki sitting up beside you then you safely drifted off to sleep again.
It was already morning when you woke again, checking your watch it was 6.30am. Still sitting up, jongki had fallen asleep. You laughed a little seeing him like this, but at the same time feeling a little bad and guilty. You slowly got out of the bed and went over to the side where jongki was, wanting to adjust his sleeping posture without waking him up.
You put one hand over his torso and one hand behind his head, wanting to gently adjust him. But you were only able to move him slightly before you got stuck in a really awkward position. You managed to get half of his torso lying on the bed, but your hand was now stuck under it.
You tried pulling your hand out as lightly as you could, but you the awkward position you were in was not really holding you up well, and you were losing your balance. You quickly grabbed the bed frame and steadied yourself, but seeing jongki’s sleeping face so close made you forget about the task at hand. You leaned in to take a closer look, and the more you looked, you don’t know why there was this overwhelming desire to kiss him. Without thinking, you quickly gave him a peck.
It was as if he felt your kiss or something because he suddenly turned over to his side making you fall onto him. You let out a Yelp in shock.
He opened his eyes and murmured ‘What are doing?’ You were in such an awkward position you couldn’t even think of a good answer. But he didn’t wait either, he just continued saying
‘Just sleep, it’s still early’ and pulled you right back into bed instead, this time locking you in his arms as he closed his eyes.
You were utterly confused at what had just happened and there’s no way you could be sleeping with your heart almost exploding in your chest. You tried to wriggle out of his hold, but it wasn’t much use. So instead, you forced yourself to take deep breaths in and out and the next thing you know, you were woken up by the jarring alarm.
You thought jongki would be shock to wake up next to you, but you were totally wrong. He seem to be very much clear that he had you sleep right next to him. Turning off the alarm, he turned to face you and tucked your hair behind your ears. Catching you off guard like this, you jerked your head backwards.
‘What are you doing?’ You asked and sat up, wide awake now.
‘Didnt you kiss me last night?’ He looked at you straight in your eye, and tried to control his smirk.
Realising you fell into your own pothole, you immediately tried to escape. Jumping out of bed and out of the room. You went straight for the washroom and tidied up yourself as fast as you could. Grabbing your coat and your belongings you stood by the door all ready to leave. Only that you needed Jongki’s fingerprint .
After about 5 minutes had passed as you waited nervously, he finally came walking through to the living room with his mad scientist hair.
‘What’s up with you ? You literally transformed in 5 minutes’ he joked
What in the world was he thinking? Is he playing with you or what? What’s all his actions suppose to mean?
You had this inner thoughts but did you really wanna know the answer to these?
Okay, yes you wanted to. But do you dare to ask?
No you didn’t. So you could only suck it up like a loser and be confused and embarrassed all by yourself.
He took a step closer to you but you massively overreacted and almost fell backwards. But all he wanted was to reach across you to open the door.
Seeing how flustered you looked, he took the chance to tease you. Keeping his hand on the handle, he stepped closer to you and you moved back. Just like in the movies, his head kept moving towards you until you hit the wall. You shut your eyes and scrunched your face
‘What do you want!!!’ You pushed him away and yelled
You didn’t realise you have been holding your breath all this while. Jongki on the other hand seem to be having fun with this. But you were trying your best to look serious and firm about this.
He didn’t reply, but simply opened the door instead. You stepped out right away the minute he opened it.
‘Okay bye’ giving him a panicky goodbye wanting to run away already. But he called you
‘Y/N! Look behind you!’ And he pointed to behind you
You quickly turned but there wasn’t anything. What the hell ?
Turning back, you came face to face with him instead and he gave you a kiss on your lips.
‘Okay you can leave now, bye bye! See you soon!’
What just happened? You have no idea what just happened.
Your mind was blank. Really blank, as blank than an empty canvas.
And your heart was beating erratically as you walked away in a daze.
Kim Jongki.... am i falling for you? are you falling for me? ------------
Decided to split another part out so i don’t have to rush the ending. The story hasn’t exactly hit the climax yet? Let’s see how it turns out!
Edit: Part 3
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Note
What about number 20 drinking hot cocoa and cuddling together on a cold night with Elliot that leads to smut? ❤️
Stop 1 on my apology tour! Sorry again that this took so long but I hope you enjoy :) This takes place around Decemberish.
Warnings: I listen to my requests: here, there be smut. Back to the Future/Donnie Darko discourse (that’s almost more offensive)
Word Count: about 2300 
Elliot was needier around the holidays.
He tried to pretend that all the Hallmark-style movies and Christmas ads showing smiling families filled with warmth didn't get to him. He knew it was the time of year when billionaires beefed up their coffers by exploiting those warm fuzzy feelings for profit, and he tried to focus on that- the rage.
Often, though, it was the loneliness at the forefront of his mind, his alienation stark against endless images of supposed normalcy.
You had snuck past his normal defenses and become a steady presence in his life over the last few months. Something about you made him feel comfortable, like he could talk to you about anything.
And Elliot had guts to spill, no doubt about it. But he rarely did so. He was still treading lightly with you, not wanting you to learn anything about him that would make you think of him as broken.
But some things were harder for him to resist. And once that unforgiving chill had settled over the city, it just felt way too natural for him to seek out your warmth.
Even on days when you don't see each other, you feel connected. You text here and there, or sometimes Elliot will just send you a picture of some nearby scenery he thinks is pretty, or whatever he's doing at the moment. Just to say "hey, it's me, I'm okay." Maybe a little bit of "I'm thinking about you." And sometimes, usually hidden a bit more deeply between the lines, "I'm not okay."
Like today, for example. It was a picturesque winter day outside, straight out of a painting. It was snowing but not too cold, the snowflakes on your face feeling more like heaven than hypothermia. Couples interlinked their bemittened hands, the approving 'beep' of credit card scanners echoed out across the city, and you knew - you just fucking knew - that somewhere, Elliot was curled up like a burned spider, depressed as shit.
It was only confirmation, really, when he texted you a picture of a single packet of Swiss Miss slumped against a styrofoam cup that looked like it had been stolen from an AA meeting. The text under the picture stated simply:
fEsTiVe
Oof. Yeah, he knew how you felt about that. He was fishing for a response, which meant he needed some company. You couldn't help but smile a little as you texted him back.
You: Don't tell me...
Elliot: im gonna make it with water : )
You: ASKLDJLKDFJ
You rolled your eyes. Yeah, that just wouldn't do.
You: I'm coming over & we're making hot chocolate like grownups
You headed in the direction to do just that, and thankfully he didn't leave you in limbo for very long before your phone lit up with an 'okay : )'
└[∵┌]└[ ∵ ]┘[┐∵]┘
When you got to his apartment, he opened his door just enough to look you up and down with one eye and scrutinize the contents of your shopping bag.
"You really bought hot chocolate mix in a mason jar?"
"Mhmmmm," you confirmed, raising an eyebrow at him.
"How much was it? Fifty bucks or something?"
"Don't worry about it, smartass."
He smiled and opened his door all the way for you, and you gleefully stepped in, took your coat off, and sat your supplies down in his kitchen.
You dug around the chaotic mess of his cupboards and found a lone saucepan, pouring in a mixture of cream and milk and setting it over low heat. You criss-crossed your body with your arms and tried to rub some heat into them. You were dressed appropriately in a sweater and thick leggings, but could still feel the chill in his apartment.
Behind you, Elliot sat on the couch queueing up the torrent player on his laptop. He looked up as you were trying to warm yourself up.
"Cold?" he asked.
"Yeah - good thing I brought hot chocolate to this fucking igloo and not popsicles." You gave the milk a quick stir, making sure it didn't boil, and unscrewed the jar of cocoa mix. You had started adding it little by little to the warm milk, watching the little pieces of chocolate melt, when Elliot approached you from behind and reached around your waist. Careful not to interrupt what you were doing, he drug his fingers lightly across the fabric that covered your belly and nuzzled into your hair.
"Is this okay?" he purred into your ear. "Are you gonna get distracted if I..."
"No," you breathed, continuing to stir.
At that, Elliot's hands splayed out on your stomach and he pulled you against him, his warm embrace smoothing your goosebumps as his chest pressed into your back. He rested his chin on your shoulder, and let his eyes fall closed.
You stayed like that for a few moments, just enjoying the closeness, before his hands slipped under your shirt. His fingertips teased the soft skin around your navel, and he trailed one finger slowly along the waistband of your leggings. When it dipped just underneath to graze your hip bone, you gasped and reached for his wrist.
"Okay, that's getting distracting babe."
Shit. You didn't mean to call him that, but when you turned your head and met the warm gleam of his luminous eyes, you thought he had probably been caught up in the moment too. Pretending to be normal.
The cocoa was well-mixed now, and you hoped it would taste as good as it looked. Elliot backed up and gave you some room to maneuver around the kitchen. You found two mismatched mugs and carefully filled them up over the sink.
"Better wait a few minutes unless we wanna scald our tastebuds off," you said as you added mini marshmallows to the mugs. "What do you want to do while we partake?"
"You wanna watch Donnie Darko?" he asked.
"Why? So I get scared and cuddle up to you? You're gonna have to try harder than that."
"No," he said, rolling his eyes. "Because it's Back to the Future fanfiction."
You stared at him, blinking twice before saying anything. "Excuse me?"
"I didn't stutter."
You lifted your eyebrows slightly, a little surpised that he was already teasing you back so early in the evening. "Okay, I'll bite. Let's watch it."
You grabbed the mugs and headed toward his couch, and Elliot went to pull the blanket off his bed. Then he stopped and turned to look at you.
"Do you just want to sit over here?"
You nodded and sat the mugs on the floor at the foot of his bed, then laid down on your stomach and got comfortable while he retrieved the laptop. Once all was situated, he laid next to you, matching your position, and pulled his blanket up over your backs.
"So tell me how this is BTTF fanfiction, exactly?" You scooted just barely closer to him, your body almost subconsciously seeking out his warmth.
"Well, there's a fan theory that Doc convinced Marty to sacrifice himself in the time jump so he could save the world. Sound familiar?"
"Elliot, I know downers are your poison, but you sound like a real crackhead right now."
"Then there's the Delorean reference..." You could see his little smirk in your periphery as he rested his hand on your lower back beneath the blanket.
"That's reaching."
"No such thing as coincidence."
You reached out and felt around the edges of your mug, testing the temperature. "I think we can drink these now." You handed Elliot his hot chocolate and brought your own to your lips carefully.
You were right, it was just hot enough and sweet and rich and-
"Good," Elliot confirmed.
"What can I say? Call me Gordon Ramsay." After you had both sat your mugs back down, letting your palettes recover from the rich taste, Elliot discarded his hoodie and laid down on his side, then pulled you against him so that his chest was pressed against your back. Your legs slotted together and he wrapped his arms tightly around you, making you melt into him as you settled in to finish the movie.
Between the hot drinks and your shared body heat, the temperature underneath Elliot's blanket warmed up quickly, and clothes slipped off until you were down to your leggings and undershirt and he was in his black t-shirt and boxer briefs. Once all unnecessary layers were shed, he resumed his position spooned snugly behind you, and it was only a matter of time before you grew comfortable enough to fall asleep.
You passed out for a spell, waking up to face a closed laptop and feel Elliot's steady breathing in your ear, his arms still wrapped securely around you.
You weren't sure how long you stayed like that, just relaxing against him, before his hands started to roam over your body in his sleep. You smiled as his fingers clumsily traced along your curves, until you felt them dig into your hips to pull you flush against him. Your breath caught in your throat at the sudden roughness; his hands didn't hesitate as they traveled back up your body, and you yelped when they found your breasts and squeezed hard.
Elliot rustled behind you at the noise and suddenly his hands were gone. "Fuck, sorry."
You reached around to find his hand and squeezed reassuringly. "It's okay. Good dream?" You couldn't resist grinding back against him a little, the answer to your question becoming quickly apparent.
Elliot's hand was back on your hip, his grip on you tightening as you rubbed against his arousal. "Yeah."
"Tell me about it."
"No," he stated simply. His lips grazed the outside of your ear, and when you shivered, he caught the lobe between his teeth. "I could... show you."
A pang of arousal shot through you at his words, vivid snapshots flashing in your mind of what he might want to do to you that had made him so hard.
You answered him by pulling off the rest of your clothes; he swallowed hard enough that you could hear it, then followed suit. His blankets rustled as the two of you scrambled to discard your clothing.
Elliot didn't miss a beat, pulling you back against his chest as soon as the two of you were naked, and he was still so warm from having been cocooned up with you that you couldn't help but relax into him. You pulled your hair to the side so he could suck on your neck while his hands roamed over your breasts, stomach, hips.
There must not have been much foreplay in his dream, you thought as he pulled your leg up your body for access. Not that you minded; the ache you felt for him was becoming hard to ignore, at any rate.
Elliot wrapped a hand around himself and rubbed the head of his cock against you until it was coated with your wetness. He teased the tip through your folds, grinding against you once he found your clit, but the stimulation quickly became too much for you and for him. He couldn't deny your pleas to fucking do something already and you felt him start to push in.
He was so much more patient than you when it came to this, and he never got tired of using it to his advantage.
He took his time working his cock into you, and once every inch of him was seated inside you, he didn’t move; he wasn't giving in to you completely just yet. You whined and squirmed and dug your fingers into the arm that he had wrapped around your waist, but he held fast. You had no control with him behind you - couldn't wrap your legs around him, couldn't pull him closer, pull him deeper - and you knew he liked it that way.
The thought made you clench around him hard. That got him moving.
You sighed in relief at finally feeling that sweet push and pull of him inside you. Closing your eyes, you relaxed and relinquished control to him, trusting him to take care of you. You were trying to be quiet, trying to tamp down your responses to the ripples of pleasure that washed over you each time he filled you; you wanted to hear him. Your efforts were rewarded as his little huffs and sighs against your shoulder escalated into soft moans.
Volume control became futile once Elliot adjusted his angle to hit your g-spot, your mouth falling open enough for broken moans to spill from your throat. Elliot lifted a hand up to your face to trace his middle and index fingers over your parted lips, then pushed them into your mouth. You sucked his digits hard, and he groaned in appreciation before he removed them and began a wet trail down the front of your body. Upon reaching his destination, he massaged your clit between his still-warm, still-wet fingers until your toes were curling against his calf.
"Elliot," you whined, "I'm--"
Coherence fell away as easily as quiet had as your orgasm overtook you, but you managed to cry out Elliot's name a few more times as you shook in his arms.
When he came, he bit your shoulder hard, and you were still too high on endorphins to notice it hurt before he was peppering the spot with sweet, soft kisses of apology.
Elliot gingerly removed himself from you, flinching at the lingering sensitivity from his orgasm. You gave each other space to breathe and cool down, and as your chest heaved you realized you hadn't even kissed him properly yet tonight.
Intent on remedying this, you rolled over and crawled towards him as soon as you were physically able, pressing your lips against his and not caring that he tasted like over-priced chocolate.
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and-i-uh · 5 years ago
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6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?
6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.
22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)
2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it
3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.
4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.
Pros-
(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.
(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.
(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself
Cons-
(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.
(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah
(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.
7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.
8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.
10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.
12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.
(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)
15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either
16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops
18- introverted?
19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.
20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.
21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.
23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.
While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol
24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.
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blookmallow · 5 years ago
Text
and now we return to outlast 2, where- 
THINGS KEEP GETTING SO, SO MUCH WORSE
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(i have... a LOT im trying to process about this whole section sorry for upcoming text walls. really nasty #blood / #gore in here as well though) (i didnt realize i was This far behind on liveblogs lmao i drafted this. a while ago and didnt get back to it until now) 
---
so i fell off the bridge (shock. horror. who could have predicted this) and right into the scalled village
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what.............happened to you 
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fuCKING GO D
so it turns out “the scalled” are... some kind of leper colony banned from the town and left to fester and rot out here alone 
most of them are just lying around suffering and dying, i dont know what the fuck happened to them, there’s some mention of like. wildly untreated syphilis/potentially other stds they’re being told is their curse for the sins they’ve committed but does.... syphilis do that to you. it might actually be leprosy i dont know i dont want to research this. all i can think about is when i watched jesus christ superstar in high school and the leper colony song where they’re all crowding around jesus all trying to touch him REALLY freaked me out for a while
i mean its like. probably a combination of disease left horrifically untreated and massively infected given the absolutely appalling conditions these people are living in (everything’s run down and full of blood and shit and who knows what else), starvation, who knows what they’re even finding to eat out here so that’s probably causing even more disease but still jesus christ
at first it just made me really sad, sure these people came from temple gate too so they were. fucked up cultists to begin with but a lot of this is like... result of longterm emotional and mental abuse and manipulation, some of these people might not have started out as depraved evil murderers, and like. nobody deserves to live like this. except knoth lmao throw him down here, but
so i thought maybe it would turn out that you realize they’re human too, they’re just in a fucking LOT of pain and maybe you can’t do anything to help them (i dont think there’s any hope for anyone down here at this point) but maybe they’d turn out to be on my side and do something to help me fight back against the leader who abandoned them, “the most absolutely fucked up looking people are actually the most human” kind of thing but uh. that is not how things went. at all, 
ill get into How Fucking Bad this got in a second lmao but like
most of them dont really do anything to you other than bleed on you and beg you for help, some people lash out but thats like, understandable given the horrifying state they’re in, but
as it turns out, being the “scalled messiah” is a VERY bad thing, they went from occasionally lashing out at me to outright tracking me down to murder me to death which, like, honestly kind of disappointing
bc one of the things i liked the most about the first outlast was how many of the prisoners were clearly just victims too, some of them (lookin at you, naked twin guys,) were just evil and murderous but some of them were just very very mentally unwell (exacerbated by horrible living conditions and the fact that the people who were supposed to be protecting them and helping them recover were actively, intentionally working to make their symptoms worse) and couldn’t really be blamed for acting violently toward you, but
then sometimes there’s people who warn you about dangers ahead, people sitting in corners hiding and scared and wont hurt you unless you give them a reason to think you might be a threat, people just trying to stay alive, people who need help 
but that’s. not the case here, and there’s definitely a particular kind of horror in “absolutely no one in this hell town can be trusted, nobody will help me, everyone here wants to hurt me and every time i think ive made any kind of progress it gets so much worse” (except that ONe guy who tried to protect me. im still sad about him) but. i dont know i feel like there’s a missed opportunity here. im not sure if im supposed to feel like the scalled deserve to be like this because of the kind of people they were before, but i dont. i feel like the “what the fucking shit HAPPENED to these people” horror is heightened by the realization that they’re people, and just kinda using them as attack zombies is. missing something, somehow. i dont know, i cant figure out how to word what i want to say here 
i mean its absolutely fucking horrifying, i was scared out of my mind going through all this, and i still gotta give props to a video game experience that left me legitimately feeling like i needed to go take a shower and crawl under a blanket for a while 
i guess ultimately with outlast im coming here to be scared shitless more than anything else and boy did they ever fucking deliver
ok im gonna stop bc i will keep talking in circles about this forever if i dont, moving on
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WHAT EVEN ARE THESE GUYS, APART FROM COMPLETELY TERRIBLE
im guessing theres some kind of... inbreeding birth defect situation going on here but i cant even process what im looking at 
that and its hard to look at them at all considering the only times i see them im getting murdered to death. my panicked screenshots hoping to get a better look later did not help 
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PRETTY SURE THEY JUST MADE HIM DRINK THEIR BLOOD, 
how the fuck has my dude not thrown up like 90 times already. im glad he hasnt bc im bad emetophobia but outlast 1 did it so im honestly surprised that hasnt happened unless ive just forgotten it in the blur of nightmares im going through here 
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OH
THAT’S... NOT GOOD
THAT IS REALLY, REALLY NOT GOOD
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FUCK SHIT MOTHERFUCKING FUCK
i gotta say im impressed with how FAR they GO with this one, i have no idea how much game i have left but considering this isnt even the ending i am HORRIFIED to see what the fuck is gonna happen next 
i mean outlast 1 has you getting your fucking fingers sliced off and whistleblower has. That Scene (even though like. it stops before waylon actually gets cut its REALLY CLOSE)  
this whole time i kept thinking something would happen and they’d get interrupted, I’d escape somehow, they aren’t really going to have the player character get literally fucking crucified from your own perspective,
but then the nails go in 
and you’ve got one hand literally nailed to a cross
and then they start the other one 
and i was like, WOW FUCK, THEY ACTUALLY DID IT, BUT NOW HE’LL ESCAPE... SOMEHOW.... RIGHT ??? 
but they lift it up 
and you’re hanging there 
and for a second i legitimately thought it was gonna end there for him, i thought he was actually just going to die there and the game would continue with lynn or something (which, to be fair, would be a pretty cool twist, but i dont WANT blake to just die here like this) 
ANYWAY!! FUCKING GOD, THAT SURE HAPPENED 
but against all odds HE SOMEHOW DIDNT FUCKING DIE, and managed to find the strength to rIP HIS HANDS OUT OF THE NAILS AND FALL DOWN
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i cannot fucking IMAGINE what that would feel like. i dont want to imagine it but i sure the fuck am now 
i dont know if its possible to like. die from bleeding out in this scene if you dont find the bandages fast enough but it sure felt like i was going to 
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fucking hell i can practically feel it in my real hands i HATE THIS i HATe it
god. fuck. im gonna be thinking about this scene for the rest of my life i didnt think anything would ever be worse than the finger slicing scene in outlast 1 but this. i think this wins
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wHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!??? THERES SOMETHING CHASING ME IN THE SCHOOL FLASHBACKS NOW IM NOT EVEN SAFE HERE ANYMORE
WHAT *IS* THAT??!??
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w OA h
i still have no IDEA whats going on with these flashbacks either, clearly his classmate hung herself and he feels subconsciously responsible for it because he didn’t do anything to stop her (though it doesn’t sound like he Could have done anything, and. they were kids), there’s definitely some buried trauma he never dealt with thats resurfacing now but
i still dont think its just a manifestation of trauma, because like. the recordings are still coming out as fucked up static, if he was just having really intense hallucinations there wouldn’t be any record on the camera, it would just be him filming nothing and talking to himself through a panic attack, it wouldn’t be getting consistently corrupted ONLY during the flashbacks so what the fuck is happening 
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COLA
DRINK IT
i m losing it its the cola machines from the first game i diD NOT EXPECT THESE TO BE HERE 
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what the fuck is christian salad 
you didn’t think i would see this, outlast devs, you thought you could hide this on the menu board and i wouldnt notice. i did notice and i demand answers
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NO!!!! THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF OKAY THIS IS THE LEAST OKAY I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE 
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WELL!!!!! OKAY!!!! ALRIGHT!!!! NOW THAT I’VE BEEN LITERALLY FUCKING CRUCIFIED, FELL DOWN A HILL AND STRAIGHT INTO A FENCE OF BARBED WIRE, GOT DRAGGED OUT HERE AND BURIED ALIVE, CRAWLED MY WAY OUT OF MY OWN GRAVE AND NOW HAVE HOARDS OF DISEASED ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE CULTISTS SEARCHING FOR ME SO THEY CAN DEVOUR MY FLESH, LET’S GET GOING, SHALL WE 
THIS IS FINE!!! EVERYTHING IS FINE I CANT SEE SHIT AND THERES NOTHING BUT TREES AND BARBED WIRE EVERYWHERE AND NO INDICATIONS WHATSOEVER OF WHERE I NEED TO GO BUT IT’S F IN E IM DOING GREAT 
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readingwebcomics · 5 years ago
Text
Analyzing Questionable Content: Pages 201-250
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Marten’s closer, Dora. Of course she’d go for his first.
Okay, I’m just going to be upfront and honest with you guys. I’m just really not feeling it for this batch of comics, and that’s part of the reason why I had taken the previous week off. That’s not to say this batch is bad or anything, it’s just... I feel like I have a lot less to say about it than I should. So I apologize ahead of time if this feels too short or if it’s much more dull than usual. I’ll try hitting the high points and give you the proper character analysis I can muster here - the fact that what you see right now, with Marten and Dora going on a date and Faye’s reaction to it, will provide quite a deal of character insight.
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For example, right here. Not even a single page later and Faye’s genuine irritation over the situation is showing, despite what she has to say about the situation.
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Ignoring for the moment the stupid contraction thing (which, if memory serves, will thankfully be dropped after this batch of comics), do Faye’s eyes look... different to you guys? I don’t know, it feels like Jeph’s making an attempt at a slight tweak in his style here and I mostly notice it in Faye’s eyes. I could be looking way too deep into it though, I’m willing to accept that.
They have some light banter, part of which includes Faye continuing to press on the fact that Dora is hyper-sexual and will jump Marten’s bones the second she gets the chance, Faye goes on and continues her nice streak with Marten by offering to make him dinner. Now, I could take this time to point out the obvious, that Faye is clearly doing this much for him not just out of a sense of guilt over how she’s treated him but also bolstered by the fact that, even if subconsciously, she does NOT want Marten to be with another woman and is vying to keep his attention on her... But Faye doesn’t give us a chance to ponder that for very long.
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I don’t blame her, the rims of cans are fucking horrifying. Not as bad as the edges of an outlet box, but thin slices of metal ain’t fun let me tell you.
Despite this, there’s really not much to say about the outcome - we learn that Faye’s last name is Whitaker and that this city has a “punching intern” for the local hospital.
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That... can NOT be legal. Then again, if this city held itself to any standards of legality I’m certain the Irony Cafe would be closed already due to false advertising. Plus, this is taking place in America and Faye isn’t freaking out more about not being able to afford the hospital bills than the fact she was injured, so maybe that’s the trade-off to having a halfway decent medical facility.
Oh, and when everyone gets back home, we get a bit more insight into the mechanics of Pintsize.
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That raises some questions. If this is unique to this particular platform Pintsize’s AI is housed in, how was he able to taste the cake mix in his previous body? If this is universal between Anthro PCs, then why didn’t Marten already know this if he’s been with Pintsize as long as has been implied thus far? I mean I get it, Jeph’s using this as an outlet to create some lore behind the funny robot people in his comic’s universe, but... I dunno, it just feels like this makes Marten seem more incompetent than anything if he didn’t know this about his own Anthro PC. Maybe if he helped explain it alongside Pintsize to Faye to showcase that he knew about this as well? I dunno.
The next day, Steve gives Marten a call:
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Faye, your irritation over the situation isn’t exactly subtle. Also I’ve said it before but I’ll keep saying it - sarcastic Marten is best Marten. I like this Marten a lot.
And so, as a wise Skeleton once said... DATE: START!
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We’re already off to an amazing start with Ellen kicking off! And, oooh, it looks like she tripped and injured herself in the initial play! Can she recover, folks? Well before we find out, we have another comic involving a drastic art shift deliberately invoked from Jeph:
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In all seriousness, the art shift isn’t... bad, per-se, it just looks so drastically different that it catches me off guard. As is what usually happens with Jeph in these situations, it takes the next comic for him to reel himself back and find a happy medium between his original style and the new one he wants to experiment with:
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Marine Biology is not for the weak of heart. You knew what you were getting into when you took on that major, Ellen. But yeah, while I’ll get more into detail as to what I think about the art shift at the end of the post, I’ll say here that I like it as a natural evolution. It seems like every time Jeph improves, the face is the bit that gets the most focus every time. Remember just last post when I was complaining Jeph wasn’t talented enough to portray the silent emotion he wanted to in Faye’s face? Now, I feel like he probably could.
The date goes well enough, and the evening comes to a close:
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My bet is that Steve’s like the Pied Piper of arachnids. I’d believe it were that the case, at least. Also it was mentioned to me that Marten probably did have the eye-shine like the rest of the cast did, but his eye color just made it harder to spot. In this page, that becomes clearer - still hard to see, but much easier than previously.
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Oooh dear. Steve’s in some hot water now. Also I just realized that as of yesterday I’m as old as Steve is. Good God, I’m an actual full-blown adult. Christ.
...I’m going to put off thinking about that for too much longer as we move onto the rest of this batch, okay? Okay.
Anyhow, Dora invites Marten into her apartment for some coffee where she cuts right to the fucking chase:
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It’s probably for the best you read the conversation yourself, they’re pages 226-228. I say this mostly because I really don’t have anything to add or comment on here - Dora’s a smart lady who gives good advice here, makes it clear that while she’s interested in Marten she wants him to be happy, and all-in-all is one of the coolest people ever. Go Dora!
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Go... Dora. Oh. Well, I still think you’re cool. Let’s give this woman some time and cut back to Steve and Ellen!
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I have some things to say about this situation that I’ll touch on a little bit later. Marten gets home and makes it clear to Faye that nothing happened between himself and Dora. While quite clearly relieved, she’s a touch confused.
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So I’m not the only one who feels strangely sad whenever I eat a s’mores Pop Tart? Oh who am I kidding, I’ve got depression, I’m always fucking sad. And hey, speaking of sexy times, Pintsize throws his proverbial hat into the ring!
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Honestly, I kind of knew I should’ve kept track of that pink Anthro PC, but would you believe me if I told you they never got a name? Also could AI fuck over IM? My bet is that 2004-speed internet wouldn’t exactly make it smooth. But man, imagine having sex over the ‘net on Fiber.
...too much? Too much.
The night ends, Steve parts from Ellen telling her he needs a couple of days to sort his head out, and Faye comforts Marten...
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...in, erm, a very Faye way... oh hey, Faye, Fae! I wonder if that was intentional on Jeph’s part. Probably not, Faye isn’t quite a Maniac Pixie Dream Girl. For one thing, she’s better written.
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If memory serves, I think Dora mentioned she was a blonde previously? Either way she’s crystal clear with it now. Also, while I complimented Jeph before on his faces... I’m not going to lie, he could stand to improve drawing skirts. I don’t blame the guy, I imagine skirts are fucking hard to draw.
Oh, and here we begin an annual tradition of Questionable Content:
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I’d like to start a petition for all Questionable Content fans to go by the fan-name “Turkeys” now. You with me, fellow Turkeys?!
...no? Eh, fair enough.
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Here we get some interesting information. At least, it gets interesting in the wake of what comes up later - the timescale is more-or-less confirmed here that this takes place around the early to mid 2000s, likely 2004 or so since that’s when the comic was written. I always assumed, considering we have walking AI around, that the universe of Questionable Content took place in the near future... but rather, it seems more like it takes place in an alternate version of history where our technology is slightly ahead of the curve. And yet a lot of pop culture phenomena remained as it did in our version of history, if what they’re saying is true. Again, this doesn’t get super relevant until later comics where we see just how far advanced the technological level in QC has become.
Ellen drops by the Coffee Shop for some advice:
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Faye’s gotten a LOT more open recently. Back near the beginning of this comic she would never, never openly admit to giving into any kind of carnal need, and now here she is candidly talking about private shower times.
And while they’re discussing things at the Coffee Shop, Marten and Steve are having their own conversation back at the apartment:
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Now here I need to put in my two cents. The characters make a point of saying how they don’t really think the age difference is that big of a deal. Were she legal, which she will be in less than a week, there’s no real problem with an 18 year old dating a 24 year old. I know this is entirely a matter of personal opinion and I fully expect people to disagree with me here. I also suspect this is going to make me sound like a prude, but... yeah, I think there is a problem, there.
Ellen’s a freshman in College. She’s JUST turning 18. While she’s shown to be intelligent enough to get into college early - and good on her for that - she lacks the emotional intelligence or maturity to really strike out into a relationship with someone six years her senior. And Steve, for his part, is too old to get anything out of a relationship with someone so much younger than he is. There’s no real connection there, the difference in emotional maturity is going to make itself evident before too long and the relationship is more prone to self-destruct.
Like I said, feel free to disagree with me there. If you feel like there’s room for a relationship in such an age gap, let me know. I wouldn’t mind starting a conversation or changing my mind, but that’s where my mindset is there - it just wouldn’t work out.
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Remember that last line Dora said. It’s going to get much funnier later, to the point where part of me wonders if that was deliberate foreshadowing on Jeph’s part.
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And here we welcome Ellen’s roommate, Natasha. My oh my, characters are building up, ain’t they? Just give it time, guys. It gets so, so much worse.
(Also am I the only one stuck on that first panel? Just... I know they already made the joke about her dual-major but there’s something so surreal to that I kind of can’t escape it)
And now, to round out our batch of 50:
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Wow. It seems like Dora’s a touch more insecure than she lets on, huh? She seems so cool and in-control of herself that moments like this where it’s surprisingly easy of her to accept that she may have weirded the object of her affections out are much more blatant.
Now that we’ve reached the end of the batch, let’s do our usual beginning and end comparisons:
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Like I said before, Jeph has clearly put more detail into the faces. He’s taking steps in the direction of “realistic cartoon” if that makes sense, further details in the wrinkles of their clothes, their bodies looking more defined, that sort of thing. I can’t really decide if I like this newer style better than the older one, but it’s no question that the newer style is a technical improvement. Nice work!
So what’d I think of this batch? Eh... plot happened, I suppose, but it feels like not much ended up happening. I dunno, for my money this felt a lot slower than the last batch... but then again, last batch had Amanda drop by for a visit, so that may have something to do with it. Either way, we have outright confirmation if we didn’t think so before that Dora is super into Marten, but it’s also made clear she’s not going to step in between the dance he and Faye are partaking in right now. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is entirely up to personal opinion, I suppose. I dunno, I feel like having Dora as a potential wild card offered the possibility for drama to shake up the dynamic going on, and without her I fear the dynamic may stagnate.
I mean, I know exactly how the dynamic’s going to go because I’ve read it, but you get the point I’m trying to make here.
Anyhow, you know what time it is now - data analysis time! In this batch of 50, we have...
Marten: 34/50 – 68%
Faye: 29/50 – 58%
Dora: 24/50 – 48%
Ellen: 15/50 – 30%
Steve: 12/50 – 24%
Pintsize: 11/50 – 22%
Natasha: 2/50 – 4%
Miéville: 2/50 – 4%
 Grand Total:
Marten: 200/250 – 80%
Faye: 192/250 – 76.8%
Dora: 75/250 – 30%
Pintsize: 61/250 – 24.4%
Steve: 34/250 – 13.6%
Ellen: 18/250 – 7.2%
Amanda: 12/250 – 4.8%
Sara: 7/250 – 2.8%
Jimbo: 5/250 – 2%
Turing: 4/250 – 1.6%
Raven: 3/250 – 1.2%
Miéville: 3/250 – 1.2%
Scott: 2/250 – 0.8%
Natasha: 2/250 – 0.8%
Ell: 1/250 – 0.4%
Personally, I won’t be satisfied until Jimbo overtakes Sara in his number of appearances. You can do it, Jimbo! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
...erm, in any case, tune in next week for the thrilling next installment of QC! You ready for more backstory on our main characters? I know I am! See you then.
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tumblunni · 6 years ago
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Me in the hospital: i cannot sleep for 24 hours, the slightest noise is blaring, i am perpetually anxiety adrenaline
As soon as i get home: has the best sleep of my life
I usually take an hour to get to sleep each night but i totally just curled up like a snail and dropped into dreamland instantly. And i woke up to a nice warm house cos the heating turned on while i was asleep, and now all the anesthetic is completely worn off so i feel energized and great! And my throat pain has eased up so thankfully i wont have to be liquids only for as long as i thought. I was all hyperactive and cooked a great fancy omelette and it tastes like heaven itself! Its so weird how stuff tastes slightly diffetent when its the first time youve been able to chew with the right side of your mouth in five years. I guess the tastebuds on the sides of your tongue are slightly different? When i eat everything now im gonna be rolling it all over my mouth like WOW ITS ALL SO NEW AGAIN! Will probably look nuts in the middle of mcdonalds with my cheeks puffed like a squirrel XD
Oh and this is also a great excuse to drink loads of chocolate milkshakes from my milkshake viking mug! I feel so energized with calcium and yums!! EVERYTHING TASTES SO NEWWWWWWW
Oh man i do feel a bit sleepy again now after just being up for a few hours tho. I have these good jaw pain specific medicines i have to take for the next two weeks til my followup appointment to check if theres any infection left. But man i feel SO ALIVE AGAIN im pretty sure all the rot is gone! It feels so wild having space in my mouth and not constant clenchy tightness. It actually hurts less recovering from the surgery than it did before, lol! I can feel all my teeth moving apart again and loosening up into normality and the gums healing up all their injuries and oh god i just love how they cleaned out all the broken parts of my teeth and capped them with these great replacements that look so real you'd never be able to tell! My smile looks not ugly!! My smile looks not ugly!! Aaaaa! I just expected regaining the right side of my mouth, i didbt expect to e like "holy shit it must have hurt even more than i realized cos this feels so amazing now". Like i guess i got used to putting up with it and forgot how it felt to not have painmouth? Underestimated how good a teeth can be! And man i never asked for reconstructive cosmetic stuff too but they did these caps and aaa my teeth never looked his good even when they were new!! My front teeth were always crooked even before they did the weird balogna slam together and shattered into a pile of crap. And now they look like perfect supermodel teeth!! The only side effect is that its a lil hard to get used to the lack of gaps between them now after so long dealing with the shattered mess. My tongue keeps being like "oh no did something get stuck in the gaps again oh wait there arent any" and then i subconsciously try to clean them after taking every bite and just bite my tongue instead. Man i never noticed i picked up a bunch of weird mannerismd cos of tje bad teeth! I was constantly paranoidly checking my mouth 24/7 in case the slightest thing made it even worse, and eating super gently so that nothing accidentally touched the Wrong Tooth and set off a jolt of pain. And i actually needed to get a filling put in on the leftmost back tooth that was the ONLY TOOTH I COULD USE TO EAT WITHOUT PAIN for all this time! Overuse of it meant that it got ground down a little and probably would have become painful too if i'd left it any longer. Then i really would have been all soups all the time and that sucks!! Soups are good but nothing but then gives u stomach issues. The bad poops!!
Man sorry im rambling so much im just so hyper and happy and also still kinda dopily sleepy! Im not still delirious or anything i just feel the happy kind of sleepy where the anesthetic is all gone and its not "oh god i cant stay awake" and more natural sleepyness of a long day being over and everything being okay. I had such a good long nap and i feel well rested after getting so little sleep beforehand due to all the dumb anxiety. And i still feel dozey but happy doze~
Anyway its awesometo be able to really chug and crunch a foods! With the other side of my mouth i forgot about! And taste milkshake to its fullest extent!! Oh and whats weird is that the reconstructive surgery capping on my front teeth means that theyre kinda one tooth now? The caps are all linked in a single piece to fill the gaps fully without even the natural ones you'd have on healthy teeth. So its like a solid tooth guard just sculpted to look like three teeth. Itll be tricky to train myself out of thts subconcious rubbing the gaps with my tongue when theyre not even there. But i expect once i get over the unfamiliarity this triple cap will be really useful! Theyre totes reinforced so that even if i do get tight mouth problems again and the front teeth take the brunt of the pressure, now theres no gaps to smash into each other and become a painful mess. Its like scaffolding reinforcing my whole mouth by fixing the loadbearing beam, or something.
Oh also these pain meds make u a little bit more sleepy than normal paracetamol so i'll probably doze off again soon. But hopefully i will have slept off most of the "healing debt exhaustion" tomorrow and will be able to go walk down the shops and buy some icecream and other soft food. I mostly stocked up on purely liquid food cos i tjought my mouth function would be more limited. But honestly the teeth are working so much better than before, they were already so swollen and painful that i couldnt crunch stuff! Now the mild discomfort of mid-healing from surgery feels like barely anything and i bet i could bite thru a goddamn rock right now! I just cant really swallow crunchy stuff or stuff thats too salty or citrusy. I didnt even know about the stabbity throat pipe so i didnt expect it to be the most painful part that takes the longest to heal. It feels so weird cos i keep coughing like my brain thinks theres phelgm stuck in my throat when its actually a skin flap/blister from the insertion. So obviously that aint going anywhere and i have to try and force myself not to cough or swallow or else i set off this cjain of "must get thing out of throat must puke" reflex. And the pain feels like a sore throat but it isnt?? Its not really inflamed ot anything its just an actual friction burn on the opening of my airway. Which is not a common occurance so the brain is justvlike "what the fuck is happening, must send all contradicting signals at once!" So sore throat medicine wont work cos that goes down your throat passage to your stomach when really this lil skin tag blister thing is in the lung throat opening thing. And sucking on throat sweets made it worse cos all the muscles were really tense around the area where the tube was inserted, hence why it was hard to swallow food even tho it was my windpipe that hurt. And sucking on something is kinda like perpetually swallowing nothing, when you think about it? Im glad that the muscle tenseness is mostly gone now and the painkillers are helping with the ouch, and my brainis getting usedto not coughing and making it worse. But still should eat soft easily swallowable stuff for a lil while and it'll be fun to go aroundthe shops with my last pocketful of change and find neat ingredients to stick in omelettes. Im so excited to taste all my favourite things in new HD functional mouth power!!! And i can smile at the shopkeeper!!!
And oh man i really do think that my sleeping problems with stiff neck and that kind of 'bloodrush to the head' migraine were indeed part of the bad wisdom teeth bleeding internally under the gum. I thought it had to be that cos nothing else in my life changed around that time aside from getting a better and healthier bed which should have been beneficial to my neck. And even going back to sleepong on the floor like before didnt make a difference so it definately wasnt the bed! And it kept getting worse while nothing was changing, and i kept trying different things like changing my pillows and headphones and cutting caffeine out of my diet and eating more salt and eating less salt and fuckin ANYTHING ELSE cos i knew if it really was the dumb tooth being infected then there was nothong i could do about it til my surgery day arrived. Itd be such a relief to know for sure that it was indeed the tooth and now that nonsense is gonna be gone forever! But also thats really worrying to know that it was getting so bad it could have spread an infection to my jawbone and the top of my spine if itd been left much longer. I kept sneezing up blood lumps like the size of a fifty pence piece! Had never had nosebleeds for a decade and now suddenly all the time! God it feels so good to be able to lay my head down and not feel all woozy and tense im the forehead or neck. I really hope this good neck untenseness continues and the awful aches really were just the tooth. But everyone in the hospital was so nice that i think even if i do need a second surgery to check for jaw infection then id be able to be less nervoud than i was this time
Man do u ever get that thing where youre so peaceful and contented that like you can breathe easier? Like subconciously taking bigger breaths and the middle of your chest feels slightly puffed out and warm. I guess thats what the "heart leaping in yout chest" idiom is meant to refer to, lol! Or maybe i can just literally breathe easier cos the tooth pain might have been passing into my nasal cavity too, lol. My entire head feels so less tense!! Its like all my bones were rebelling against me and now they're at peace again!! Man i feel so giddy happy like i chugged a giant energy drink or something but its the opposite its a good sleeps drink XD
So im gonna go lie down again and have a relax and watch a movie or something and see if i pass out when the medicine kicks in, or if its not too bad and i can still continue my hyper mood. But my nap was so long that its too late to go to the shops now anyway so i'll just make more plain omelette and milkshake if i get hungry. I mean it doesnt taste plain when all my sense of taste is so amplified likethis! I dont mind if its all i can eat all week. PURE MILKSHAKEY DECADENCE
Aaaaa im just so happy!! I missed my chance to get the new. Kingdlm hearts but ive beenwaiting fkr this surgery for ages too and it feels like just as much of an exciting relief!
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scarlette-joel-writing · 7 years ago
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Erased Pt. 4
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader
Requested by: Me. 
Warnings: Yall already know. 
A/N I think im just gonna give up with telling you how long this thing is gonna be. It will be done when I think its ready to be done LOL 
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5  Part 6  Part 7 Part 8  Part 9 Part 10  Part 11  Part 12 Part 13
~
The mind is a complex and vast place.
Filled to the brim with all of the conscious and subconscious things that you remember or know. Every fact that you have ever learned, every word that you have ever spoken, every memory that you have ever had is stored within your head. Memories that you don’t believe you have or believe that you might have forgotten are there as well. Every single moment of a person’s life Is stored within their mind.
It is just a matter of retrieving the information that you want. It’s a matter of sifting through the data to find what you need.
Let’s see if I can put it into simpler terms. The mind is like a huge, never-ending warehouse that is filled to the brim with rows upon rows of filing cabinets. And in these filing cabinets is every action you have ever done. Every word that you have ever spoken. Every date you have been on and every test that you have ever taken. All of these memories and moments of your life are stored in your head.
And all of your conscious knowledge. All of the facts that you know and the words that you can speak. All of the memories that you can recall. Those are all located in the 10% of the brain that humans can actually use. Everything you know is located in 10%. Just imagine what things are hiding in the other 90% in your subconscious.
And there is no organization to these memories. Every person is different and that means that every person’s mind is different. In some places it is well lit and clean and stable. And in other cases there are no lights and there are spiders and cobwebs everywhere. Some might have their brain organized chronologically or by the importance of the memory. Other might have the happy memories first or vice versa.
And in my case at the moment, my mind is black. Everything is black and I cant see or hear or feel anything. But I am acutely aware that I am still in my own head. I am aware that I am thinking but there is nothing to think of.
Where my brain differs from other peoples is in the fact that I can use all 100% of my brain. Kind of like that movie that came out a while ago with the woman who looked a lot like Natasha Romanoff, but not exactly. I don’t see strings of numbers like her. But because I can use all of my brain, I know everything that has ever happened in my life. Every word I have ever read. Every answer to every test that I have ever taken. I can remember names of thousands upon thousands of people, and I can see not only my memories but the memories that I have taken from other people.
Like right now. If I was a normal person and I had passed out, I would be dreaming. Or everything would just be black and I wouldn’t even know that I was passed out, but because I am who I am, I can still sense the outside world and I can still sense that I am somewhere different from where I usually am. Usually I like the quiet and the peace, but not when I cant control it. Not when I cant turn it off and go back to reality.
When I am not in control, things start to get a little shaky.
I close my mind’s eye for a second before I allow myself to “sit down” on the floor of my dark mind and cross my legs. If I cant help the situation that I am in. If I cant fight my way out of it, then I might as well take this moment to do a bit of meditating. Try to find some good out of all of the shit that has happened.
I am sitting there for almost 2 days, TWO FREAKING DAYS, when I can feel my outside body begin to stir. See, sometimes there isn’t really a connection between my body and my brain. I have a really strong mind that I can do a lot with but I have a really weak body that really doesn’t want to follow any rules that I give it. My brain gets hurt? It bounces straight back. My body takes a beating from a genetically enhanced super soldier that was trying to kill me? Suddenly it doesn’t want to function correctly. I don’t get it.
“Fuck,” is the first thing out of my mouth as I open my eyes to the bright eyes overhead. I can feel the pain radiating throughout my body and the way that my muscles twitch every few seconds from the complete and utter beating that they took almost 46 hours ago. I don’t even attempt to move. I just stay where I am and hope that it all goes away
“Y/N” someone says and when I open my eyes again and look down, I can just see that everyone in the complex is staring at me. Looking at me like I am a lost puppy. Cap, Sam, and Vision are on one side of me, Tony and Clint in front of me and Natasha, Wanda, and Bruce on the other side of me. I am down in Med bay, laying in a bed and it makes me wanna laugh. Looks like the roles have reversed.
“Hello,” I say as I take a deep breath, immediately regretting that decision because my lungs feel like a dagger went through them.
“Thought we had lost you there for a second. You have been out almost 2 days,” Sam says to me as he hands me a cup of water. Natasha pushes a button on the side of the bed to put me in a sitting position, an action that does nothing but cause me to writhe in pain, and then I take a sip of water. It feels like a glacier running down my throat and I love it.
“Oh trust me, I know exactly how long I was out,” I take another look around the room and I see that I completely skipped over the fact that someone isn’t present at my little “youre alive” party. “Where is Barnes? Still recovering from the beating I gave him?” I laugh. But I seem to be the only one. Suddenly no one will look at me. Suddenly the floor has become the most interesting thing in the world. “Guys. Where is Bucky?”
“He hasn’t left his room since you passed out, Y/N,” Cap says and I just give him a look that tells him that I am utterly confused.
“Yes, the boy seems to think that locking himself in a room and refusing meals is going to make you better,” comes Tony’s response. “Oh, and next time you decide you want to bleed all over a carpet, can you make sure that it is not my very expensive carpet? Thank you,” Tony takes a step forward, puts his hand on my leg and then gives me a wink. “But I am glad that you are okay,” and then he is gone.
Ah Tony. Always the closeted sap.
“Someone help me up. I need to go talk to bucky,” I am pulling out IV’s and tubes, trying to move the blankets.
“You are not going anywhere Y/N,” Cap says as he comes over and puts a hand on my shoulder. “You just woke up from a two day coma. Bucky can wait a bit,”
“I wasn’t asking, Captain,” I say as I shake his arm off of me.
“And neither was I. It was an order,”
“Then I guess it is a good thing that I am not really a part of your team, now isn’t it?” And with that, I pull myself up off the bed and take a few shaky steps to the elevator. My body doesn’t want to cooperate with me but I have to tell Bucky that this isn’t his fault. I hit the button and the elevator opens and then closes behind me a few seconds later. “Floor 27,” I say as we descend.
Walking is hard. And walking with bruises and cuts all over your body after not having moved for two days is even harder. I can feel the way that my shoulders sag and I hate it. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling like I cant do anything. Even though my brain is running at top speed right now.
I get off the elevator and into the living room of Bucky’s apartment. It is clean and nice and empty. I make my way to his bedroom door, which I know is his because every floor has the same layout, and I knock.
“Go away, Steve. I am not in the mood,” I can hear his voice come from the other side and it sends a shiver down my spine. So small. So weak. So broken. All of those feelings and emotions flood through me as I stand there on the other side of the door. I have never heard him like that before. Never heard him sound so distraught. Could that really be because of me?
I knock again.
“Go away, Steve.” He doesn’t yell and he doesn’t seem angry. He just seems sad. So much sadness.
“Well, I am not Steve,” I say and then I can hear the flying of feet and the unlocking of the door before I am brought face to face with James Buchanan Barnes himself. Staring down at me with wide eyes. “And I am not going away. I am pretty hard to get rid of,”
“Oh my god, Y/N,” he whispers and then he wraps his flesh arm around my waist and pulls me to his chest. It knocks the wind out of me a bit but I let my shock overtake the pain at the fact that I am stood here, hugging Bucky Barnes. I can feel Bucky’s head nestle into the crook of my neck and it makes my heart begin to beat faster. “Oh my god, I am so sorry. I am so so so sorry. I cant believe that I did that to you. I cant believe that you almost died because of me. I am so sorry,” he keeps repeating over and over again. I just wrap my arms around his neck and rub small circles on his back.
“It isn’t your fault, Bucky. Im not mad at you, and I didnt come up here to get mad at you. I came to make sure that you were alright. The guys tell me that you haven’t been eating,” I pull him back from the hug to see the dark dark circles under his eyes. “And apparently you haven’t been sleeping well either,” he scoffs.
“How could I sleep knowing that you might not have woken up from me beating you?!” I just grab his hand and pull him back into the bedroom. Over to the bed. And then I make him sit. I go around to the other side of the bed and sit as well because my everything hurts and I am tired. “I did this to you,”
“No. Hydra did this to me. And tomorrow we will talk about a more permanent solution to the problem of you going all super soldier on us. But for tonight, I would really like to sleep,” I pat the bed next to me, and he hesitantly lays down. He keeps his distance, not that I mind too much because I don’t think that I am fully recovered from that hug earlier, but I look over at him and smile. “Ill make the memories go away,” I whisper to him with a soft smile and he looks at me with wide eyes.
“No, Y/N-“ he begins.
“I will make them go away for tonight. Just for tonight. No nightmares. No dreams. No any of that. Just a well-deserved rest that both of us need. Okay?” I look back at him with raised eyes and he nods his head and lays back against the pillow.
“Alright,” he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and I do the same. I let my mind open to allow his thoughts in and he can seem to sense my presence because all thoughts go quiet. Not that I mind too much. I just myself drift off to sleep where there is nothing but blackness.
And the warmth of a body less than 2 feet away from me.
Taglist: 
@jacks-on-krack @tbetz0341 @haleypearce @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @zestygingergirl
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