#which like i don't think people should talk down to folks whose jobs don't need a bunch of degrees either just

[loki-zen]

I have noticed btw that more often than not these days when I meet new people and they ask what I do for work, I don't say "I'm a librarian" and instead say something like "I work in medical research and evidence" or "I'm in NHS evidence and knowledge services" or something like that... I guess I don't really imagine that those sentences really help people picture my job much either, since it's just not a role people are aware of, but I guess there are levels on which I have always preferred honest bafflement to being identified with a concept that people think they understand (in ways that lead them to make assumptions that don't feel right about me).

anyway librarians of tumblr feel free to tell me im letting down the sisterhood or whatever

[hadleymeetsworld]

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

Yesterday, I celebrated my 33rd birthday.

I am now working in an office job back in my hometown after traveling and working in the entertainment industry for several years-- plus the pandemic happened. The end of my 20s was a very exciting, dream-fulfilling, and special time. It has truthfully been a difficult adjustment returning to a more "normal" way of life, and I have found myself back on tumblr reading through my old journal entries from years ago.

I also haven't seen a therapist in about ten years-- what I call "raw-dogging life"-- so I've been talking with friends about how I need to search for one. I loved my old therapist, and was thinking of the reasons why I should/shouldn't reach out to her to pick up where we left off. I realized I wanted a fresh start, because when looking back, I feel like I'm having the same issues that I had ten years ago as a younger adult. Which is embarrassing in a way. On paper from an objective point of view, it kind of seems like I haven't learned anything at all. Looking back through my tumblr posts today, I saw my past issues and emotions were eerily similar to the ones I have now. Surprise... looks like the core of my personality has not changed much LOL and I'm the problem, it's me. It actually was quite a humbling experience having this epiphany.

I am still actively growing as a human being, but struggling with the fact that I can be an unreliable partner in relationships. I am still dealing with substance abuse issues-- I LOVE to party to the point where it affects my relationships, working life, and the way I feel about my body. I feel like lately I have been a little more depressed and self conscious than in my 20s, but many of my past posts discussed feeling like a bad friend and having trouble connecting with people. Just like in my old blog posts, I have definitely been romanticizing the past. I think I had a little less anxiety and more self confidence in social situations for a while there, but I am actively working on those aspects to get back on track.

I chose to pull up my tumblr today because I was remembering in my last office job in my mid-20s, I would spend my down time writing comedy, setting up aesthetically pleasing and inspiring blogs, and creating DJ sets. I just remember feeling a little more active and creative. First of all, that wasn't necessarily true. Some of the things I wrote were kind of stupid and immature, I was literally just reposting photography and drawings before meme culture began, and I actually am not extremely skilled in mixing music or writing comedy shorts. I am now a theatre person. I have traveled the world stage managing different kinds of productions. I am not a visual or sonic artist-- I am a theatrical artist whose strengths lay in organization and communication. I haven't been consistently working on shows like I was in New York, but that's OK! I have a lot of wonderful things coming up and know that I'm a wonderful Stage Manager-- which is something I really care about.

Revisiting my tumblr today turned out to be a very therapeutic and healing experience. I will always be the same me and although I've been growing immensely, I still need to practice discipline in the major areas that I've been struggling with and reflecting on for years. It is interesting I can now narrow down my core, consistent issues to these areas:

Not treating my partner with the respect they deserve

Substance abuse

Social anxiety in my friendships (feeling like people don't want me to belong or that they hate me)

Even though these are major issues, it does feel nice to review the "data" of my journal entries over the years and discover these major trends.

In terms of the social anxiety issue, I think I've hit an all-time low in this area as an adult, and I need to revert back to understanding "different strokes for different folks," and "your vibe attracts your tribe." And not get so caught up on whether or not everyone likes me or if my behavior was acceptable at a get-together. No one cares-- just be kind and thoughtful. And some people still won't like you anyways, but that is not a reflection of who you are.

In terms of lack of respect for my partner, I really dropped the ball on this one. How could I be so selfish? My guilt and horror towards my behavior has allowed me to really confront my "childhood trauma," which I have never done before. I really hope I learned my lesson this time to treat someone with honesty and respect, like how I'd want them to treat me. It really is getting old and I need to step it up. But I can also be compassionate with myself and remember I am still young and had been ignoring how models of relationships in my childhood could be impacting me today. I know I'm a good person and I am disappointed when I don't act like it towards the person I love the most. I also hate society for the toxic way it models relationships.

And my substance abuse issue sucks. LOL. I don't get why I love to party so much and I think I can continue to have fun but I need to be STRICT about my no alcohol nights. I can only do this when I'm working on a project I really care about. But I am just a bitch to the man right now and it's so hard to not go out at night. Now it's starting to affect the way I look, so hopefully that can be a good incentive to chill out, smdh.

Aww yay I'm proud of myself for being reflective and writing something! It's been a while! XOXOX

[traegorn]

I posted 1,398 times in 2022

509 posts created (36%)

889 posts reblogged (64%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@traegorn

@gingerblivet

@hockpock

@libraford

@rose-in-a-fisted-glove

I tagged 234 of my posts in 2022

#witch - 99 posts

#witchblr - 98 posts

#witchcraft - 91 posts

#witchtok - 59 posts

#wicca - 14 posts

#nonbinary - 10 posts

#genderqueer - 10 posts

#the bs-free witchcraft podcast - 10 posts

#youtube - 8 posts

#crystals - 7 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil while putting my hand in my pocket while running a training for 20 new contractors at my old job

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Ah yes, @llycaons has become today's volunteer.

One, Tumblr runs off of ad revenue. You have two choices on this site to support it -- be okay with seeing ads or pay for ad-free. Harassing advertisers actually helps no one, because it discourages folks from running ads.

Which means tumblr makes less money, and as the site is already losing money that could lead to its eventual shut down. You don't have to like the ads, but you literally signed up for this.

Two, according to your account you are an adult. You are capable of blocking blogs you don't like seeing, blocking tags you don't like, or even installing an ad blocker and circumventing the system that pays for the site you're actively using. Curate your own experiences my dude, and stop trying to force other people to do it for you.

Three, I like a lot of the stuff I've seen blazed to my dash -- so nah, you're just objectively wrong. Get a bigger sample size next time.

Now fuckle on off, Fuckalong Cassidy.

983 notes - Posted November 27, 2022

#4

The uselessness of Witchcraft Author "Blacklists"

Every once and a while I see a "Witchcraft Author Blacklist" either in the tags or getting passed around here on Tumblr, and never in my life have I thought it was a remotely useful thing.

Because every single time, they lack and semblance of nuance. Like yesterday I ran across one that literally equated Scott Cunningham with Stephen Flowers. Yes, Cunningham, a person who wrote some things that need to be read critically is, apparently, as bad as a literal fucking Nazi whose books help fund the AFA.

Like are there Cunningham books I wouldn't recommend? Absolutely. Should most of his works be read with a critical eye and take into account the state of the community and available information when he was writing them? Yes. But... like... there's a huge fucking difference between these two things.

Also, this list claimed because Cunningham wrote about Wicca his works were somehow homophobic. Have there been homophobic Wiccans? Of course - but Cunningham, an openly gay man, was not one of them.

Additionally, there are people who get included on these lists where I wouldn't recommend anyone read their books to learn witchcraft per se, but their works have important historical significance.

Like Gerald Gardner - should anyone learn from Gardner? Fuck no. His works are full of misinformation and outright bullshit. But it literally is where the modern witchcraft movement was birthed, so there is value in understanding where we came from.

Aleister Crowley falls into this category too - harder even. Crowley was gross as heck, but how can you understand what in the modern community is still descended from his works or propagating his gross ideas... if you're unfamiliar with his works?

Also, he's super dead, so it's not like he's benefiting from someone reading his stuff.

It's just so deeply frustrating that people make these lists to start with. Like, I have written or talked about how certain authors should be avoided -- but I always do my best to include context, reasons, and explanations why. I will specifically explain why I don't think they're valuable to read. Making a laundry list where you make unsourced or unexplained claims about a huge list of people doesn't help someone understand what might be wrong with them.

Also, my recommendations are usually about how a new witch shouldn't read their work, because it's about not having the experience to see what is and isn't bullshit in what they read yet. They don't have that baseline yet. That doesn't mean that some of these books might not be significant or worth reading at some point in their journey. Just not at the start of it.

It's just... a complete lack of nuance. Like I don't recommend Silver Ravenwolf because her books are, frankly, poorly researched and bad. I don't recommend Stephen Flowers because he's a fuckin' overt WHITE SUPREMACIST whose publications have been used to fund the AFA. These are not the same. When we pretend that they are, we are doing a massive disservice to all of us.

It... it honestly feels like Christian purity culture repackaged. If you can't handle nuance, I don't think you can really handle that much witchcraft to start with. The world isn't black and white -- there are overt evils out there, but most everything else is a shade of gray and pretending otherwise is poisonous.

1,264 notes - Posted August 29, 2022

#3

So there's a thing that a lot of tumblr users don't know about -- older ones because it didn't used to be like this, and newer ones because... they're new?

Anyways -- one of the biggest pains of Tumblr is that finding old posts can be hard. The search is terrible, and is overall useless. The easiest solution to this has always been that you can go through your "archive" -- for example here's mine: https://traegorn.tumblr.com/archive

Notice how that URL starts with my username. Longtime users will be like "Of course it does. That's your Tumblr URL." But here's the thing -- a lot of new accounts don't have that. Like, if you type it in (minus the /archive part) it kinda works still -- but it redirects you from username.tumblr.com to tumblr.com/username. And from there, the archive function does not work.

You see, to make your "Tumblr Blog" an actual, well, blog you have to turn it on manually now.

To do that, on the web, go to your blog settings and find this one:

Turning on "custom theme" will enable your blog to function and give you all the features.

Now there are reasons some folks might not want to do this. First off, that does mean sites like Google will be able to spider your blog and things can end up on public searches. If you don't want your Tumblr activity public do not turn it on. That's a choice I leave up to you. But, like, also... I've seen Tumblr accounts ostensibly set up to promote people's works but not have this turned on making the audience they're trying to reach less likely to find them.

But this is a thing that used to always be on. I found out one of my old sideblogs had it turned off that I never wanted it to be set that way. The choice is yours, do what you want.

I'm not your mom.

4,288 notes - Posted November 14, 2022

#2

People who get mad at seeing any post blazed are so funny to me.

This site works because either someone pays for ads, or you pay to not see ads. That's what pays Tumblr's bills.

4,533 notes - Posted November 1, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I'm here.

I'm queer.

I'd like to go back to bed now.

11,183 notes - Posted July 18, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[travelling-on-the-octopath]

S Plays Golden Wildfire - Part thank fuck it's over

Chapter 15 - Field of Beginnings

Story Content

So, the Federation is about to go murder Rhea, and it'll take place at Tailtean; the Empire and Kingdom are currently facing off at Arianrhod

CLAUDE YOU ARE UN-FUCKING-REAL??GSPOFJGRSPIJGS

Claude: "I can't claim to know what his intentions are, but . . . I suspect Dimitri decided to leave the rest to me." I want to tell him to go lie down because he's clearly not feeling well.

Claude, for some reason: Dimitri . . . wants me to murder the archbishop for him? 😳

Once again we've white-lied to the King of Almyra. does NO ONE SEE A POTENTIAL PROBLEM WITH THIS

Edelgard literally doesn't trust Claude, by the way; there's a spy who's not a spy!!!! but whose job is to make note of everything we do and report it to Her Majesty <3

Main Battle - The Battle of Tailtean

Here we go folks

Out of LEFT FUCKING FIELD Rhea says she regrets not "terminating the bloodlines of the Elites long ago." Makes sense if she's talking about the Elites themselves, but otherwise this makes her uncharacteristically blameful of the people who happen to bear the (stolen, abused, weaponized) blood and bones of her family; all she's ever done is ask that they treat the relics with respect, so I find it hard to believe she's suddenly spiteful towards the Elites' descendants.

Oh also the reaction of the priest talking to her is fucking priceless gdfigjdfg way to slip up, Rhea.

Rhea tells Seteth to take Flayn and run should anything go wrong

Rhea cites humanity as one of the things she's fighting for, because of their tendency to repeat their mistakes (WHICH SHE'S RIGHT ABOUT, BY THE WAY).

Oh by the way Rhea is talking about Sothis and referring to her as her mother and the priest is still around sgfkjdflgkj

ONE OF THE STRATEGIES IS "SET CLAUDE AND LORENZ LOOSE ON THE ENEMY"??? LOL?

"The enemy's morale is unusually high" wow it's almost like they get really pissy when you prevent them from returning to their place of living/worship

MERCEDES????????????? BABY NO NO NO NO NO NO NO :(

AND JERTIZA HAS POPPED UP OUT OF NOWHERE TO SAVE HER?

Anyway Claude's obssessive need to dissolve the Central Church is so fucking strange seeing as his literal anchor in Fodlan was endlessly pious and the Eastern Church was a husk

CYRIL DIES?????????? once again i ask: WHAT IS GOOD ABOUT THIS ROUTE

On a better note: Rhea knows some old Faith magic spells :3 love my little untapped well of knowledge. That people don't understand killing her is a disservice to literally all involved . . . criminal.

WELL, OUR WORST FEARS ARE REALIZED, FOLKS: Claude indeed says "this world cries out for change, while you keep it shackled to the past" to Rhea

Fun visual storytelling: someone just stepped on a flower growing in Tailtean and killed it. There is no sunlight. Anyone that tries to tell me this is a good thing for Fodlan . . . I have no words.

UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Marianne, literally wailing on Rhea: I'm still not sure if this is the right thing, but I have to trust Claude and push forward."

Now tell me, what does this remind you of?

Claude has killed Rhea. In the cutscene, he even uses failnaught. taking a page out of faroreswind's book and leaving this convenient line from Houses here

Surprise surprise, Claude's idea of peace has left warring nations at each other's throats and a fair number of believers without their leader. I literally can't stand him, and I can't stand this.

The ending music is somber as fuck by the way.

I'm fucking done with this route. I'm never playing it again.

To everyone who got what they needed out of this: I was, and am, genuinely happy to do it. Don't let my bitching and moaning fool you into thinking I hated doing this, because I could have stopped. Hopefully I've given you everything you need to know to determine whether or not you want to buy the game/play Golden Wildfire for yourself, and as always I'll love to talk about the route, but I'm . . . never touching it again lol.

[savrenim]

hi hi hi. so I just got into the Hamilton fandom, I swear I am four years late where did everybody go, and, well. I am apparently a hamburr shipper. bcs that is my life now. anyway I saw your fic ifmlam and I swear it is my favourite of all the fics I've ever read (and trust me I've read literally thousands). I love it so so much, how do you write fics like that??? I cried about four times during the whole thing, I stayed up till 4am reading it even when I had to wake up at 7 because it is just. that. good. I could not stop thinking about it for days afterwards and ifmlam has just ruined me. I can't think of listen to Hamilton without thinking of ifmlam anymore.

on to my qursttion: is it abandoned? of course it's perfectly FINE if it is. don't let anyone tell u differently, your fic is YOURS and u are amazing.

but pls I really need closure from ur fic, it has been haunting me if its abandoned or ongoing and I've read ur other fics and they are just chefskiss and thank you so much for writing them all. thank you thank you thank you, I will never be able to thank you enough for writing this fic and for everything it's done for me. I am probably thousands of miles away but I am sending you virtual jugs through a co.puter screen right now.

(don't feel pressured to reply to this or update it flam, I know how overwhelming it can get with so many messages and after a while u get desensitized to it. u can literally reply "thx. itfmlam is abandoned" and I would still be amazingly star struck. anyway has gotten way too long and I need to sleep and I'm sorry u probably won't see this so I'm just talking to myself right now but bye!!)

and thank you so so much for writing itfmlam.

aaaah hello anon!

thank you so so much???? I am so??? honored??? that ifmlam rates so highly to you, and also that you've read my other fics??????

the answer to the "is ifmlam abandoned" question is probably the worst possible one, which is pretty much "I do want to finish it, both for the folks that still want closure as well as it bothers to me have abandoned projects that are in the public eye/ already partially published, but also, it is last on my current writing projects list"

my current actually active writing projects list, kind of in order of priority, is

I'm literally three chapters away from being Actually Fully Done with the not-quite-first-not-quite-second let's call it 1.5th draft of an actual?? full?? original?? novel?? Opus which of course then goes out to beta readers and then gets who-knows-how-much edited and then maybe beta readers again if a lot does change and then a copyeditor my mom, my copyeditor is my mom, and maybe my little brother he's one of the betas but is very good at catching typos and then I!!! get to publish it!!!! which is the single thing I am most excited for!!!!!!!!! this should be closed up in the next week or two, and then take a while for people to actually read the draft and get back to me.

I really desperately want to finish my open-but-like-90%-written fic, which means we raise it up, the final chapter of to the bottom of the river bc I realized that it was kind of incomplete, and the second chapter of a buried and a burning flame because any more work there will need to wait until the author publishes the next book in the series. this should be closed up in the next month or two.

Speedwrite the draft of the second book of the Opus series so that hopefully by the time book 1 edits are happening, I have an almost complete draft of the second book. this is mostly me side-eyeing myself about taking nearly four years to write the first book, but that is solidly in part because I had so many other open projects which point 2 is about clearing that docket. this should be done in the next year.

And then just have my major projects be, at least until books 1-5 are written and published, books 1-5 of that because that is arguably the first major 'plot arc' of the series, so if I'm looking for a pause point on writing, that's probably where to stop.

There are two or three other short side projects (a weird fun second person short story tentatively titled witch-queen, a collection of four short stories Memoirs about a not-so-evil necromancer and the shenanigans he gets up to trying to rule a kingdom, working title Perfectly Normal Recipe Blog which is a collaborative project about a perfectly normal recipe blog that definitely doesn't include anything out of the normal) that will happen when they happen

There are other projects that are on the backburner -- The Numanok Files, a series of probably 12-15 short novellas about a mercenary/ bounty hunter esque person in space whose specialty is dealing with hauntings, but, like, 80% of their jobs is actually "you are effectively a space home inspector pointing out faulty wiring reacting to solar flares/ there's a weird alien fungus/ it's carbon monoxide okay change your atmosphere filters" and 20% of it is punching ghosts; there's a post-post apocalypse novel that I want to write that I know characters and general pacing and half the setting but need to work out the other half and figure out how much aesthetic I want to commit to; there's Strangeside7 aka spacerace book that is my reaction to how much I love how Redline the anime movie commits itself to "no we are about a race, like 60% of the screentime is just fully going to be an utterly ridiculous sci fi space race"; there's even a ridiculous YA trilogy that I would have to completely transplant the setting but might end up writing because the interplay between angel-physics and physics-physics was one of my favorite things in the world. and I guess the weird ridiculous technically a sequel series to ifmlam that was going to be published as original books that was basically me having fun with 'okay I fucking love star wars prequels old rotting space bureaucracy galactic republic style' except with seers and that also still might happen because it does have some of the coolest sci fi concepts and honestly I thiiiink that's all?

but the tl;dr of that timeline is I'm trying to finish a punch of projects Right Now, so that I can write books 2-5 of Opus, and then when I'm done that (which honestly, my average fiction-writing output is close to 100k a year. if I'm concentrating purely on one project, and writing books that are about 100k, we are talking four years. although my job situation is super up in the air in that period and writing might get put solidly on the backburner as I try to make it in academia, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) I will re-evaluate which projects go next, and that's when ifmlam is likely to come up for review.

I do not have any expectations that I will make it as an original author. I'm planning on posting all of my stuff online for free, but, like. it is incredibly difficult to convince people to try out even a piece of free and easily accessibly original work even if one has a huge following, I am a very small fanfiction author, and from what I can tell the majority of the people who are interested in my work are mostly interested in me finishing ifmlam. writing is a hobby for me, and while I'm writing mostly for me--and hence the for me bit at least for the next five years is pretty solidly going to be this series that I am deeply excited about and have sunk my heart and soul into every single aspect of--I'm human, and I don't really like shouting into the void, and I expect if I spend five years publishing to absolutely no response I will either stop writing for a while and do other things gods know my life is busy enough, return to fandom in general to write some other fanfic about whatever I get deeply into, or return to a work that I actually get response to. so ifmlam will probably start getting worked on a bit at that point one way or another. unless, of course, we are in the incredibly rare timeline in which I do make it as an original author, there are people who are deeply hyped for my original works and an actual demand for them, in which case as you may have noticed there are enough ideas there to keep me busy for a decade or two, and they will just get my full attention instead of fanfiction*. in this timeline, I will do what I was considering doing a few years ago, which is officially declare ifmlam otherwise abandoned and make one more giant chapter update which is a full and cleaned up outline of what I was going to write, interspersed with the scenes already written, and have ifmlam be given at least that closure.

*I want to make it clear that I very much love fanfiction and am proud to have been a fanfiction author and in my heart of hearts would keep writing it forever, I just also have a lot of ideas for characters and settings and magic systems and Aesthetics and I have been biting at the bit to write something that is //mine// and all mine and only mine for a while, I don't see original work as superior so much as there are a dozen fandoms that I am currently in and bursting to make content about except oops these fandoms currently only exist in my head, and I want to correct that

of course given how much as writing is my vent activity and I write what I'm in the mood for, there's a chance I'll feel ifmlam cravings before then, just... expect it to take a couple of years for an update, but also for there to be an update one way of another in a couple of years? but as for right now, I'm turning to original writing, because that is what brings me joy.

but I am really deeply honored that it brought you so much joy!!! and while I will never publish spoilers in a public place, if you message me off anon I am perfectly happy to give a run-down of my current plans for the ending, bc I know "wait a couple years and see" is not the most satisfactory of answers! and hey maybe you'll be like me and once you've given Opus a try you'll decide you like it better too, it does have Seers although they are deeply different Seers than in ifmlam but imo it's very gay and fun and at least politics on one side

[brightlotusmoon]

"It is a truism that there are people, particularly on social media, with whom one simply cannot reason. Hell, some of them aren’t even actual people, but rather bots whose very existence makes every other interaction suspect. And so we could certainly take worse counsel than to avoid wasting our precious little energies on those who make it clear that they do not share our core values, particularly online, and particularly when the values in question are equality, inclusion, respect, and the most basic, fundamental rights of every human being on the planet.

But I worry. I worry that our wholly understandable refusal to engage with one another will ensure that the bifurcation of us as a people, both as a purposeful political strategy by those in power domestically and as a means for external forces to "sow societal chaos and discord*” becomes permanent. And I worry about what it will do to our ability to evolve, both as individuals and as a society.

I look back on my life and I remember a lot of moments that I’d prefer to forget, and that I hesitate to share. I remember when I was fresh out of college and just starting out in business and one of the senior-most guys on my desk, a man I admired greatly, would make fun of the support staff by saying, “We hire the handicapped; they’re fun to watch.” I remember that I laughed. Not because I thought that I had to to keep my job, not because I felt pressured to do so, but because I thought it was funny.

I remember when the girls were tiny and we bought Katie a doll house, and it came with a family of dolls. I remember that I hadn’t noticed that I’d bought the one with the Black family until I’d brought it home and decided it was a happy mistake. But I also remember that when a guest saw it one day, they laughed and said, “Oh, look, the house came with help,” I chuckled, rolled my eyes, and carried on.

I remember when I screwed something up and thought it was funny to mockingly say, “I”m special. I ride the little bus and wear hockey equipment every day.”

I remember raising inordinate amounts of money, making speeches, pleading for pity, all in the name of finding a “cure” for autism, with no idea that the vast majority of the people for whom I was supposedly fighting desperately needed help and support, but had no desire to fundamentally change who they were.

That was ME. The me that you know, the one who fights like hell for equality and dignity and respect, started out as a person who mocked disability and allowed racial jokes to stand unchallenged in her own home. Who effectively silenced her daughter’s autistic peers. And who desperately needed interaction with people who were light years ahead of me to get me to where I am now. And it scares me, on so many levels, to think of how different my behavior might be had I not had those interactions.

Now I want to be as clear as humanly possible that I don’t mean to imply that we owe our time and energy to anyone, particularly those who deny others’ lived experience or excuse brutality or withhold justice or actively fight against equality. And I want to be even clearer that it is absolutely, positively not the job of the oppressed and marginalized to educate their oppressors and marginalizers. A thousand times no, no, and, just for good measure, hell no. No one is entitled to your labor.

But I do want to take a pause to consider what happens when the vast majority of us, particularly those of us with relative privilege who claim to be allies in the fight, simply stop talking to anyone who isn’t already standing shoulder to shoulder with us. What happens to the folks who might just have taken up the mantle of advocacy had they been exposed to a wider variety of people and perspectives? What happens to the ones who are never challenged to examine their own role in perpetuating the systems that keep us separated in the first place? My behavior changed because I had the opportunity to interact with people outside of the bubble in which casual bigotry and degradation and punching down for a laugh were perfectly acceptable. But what if I hadn’t?

Years ago, I became facebook friends with a particularly radical disabled activist who had taken me to task here on diary a number of times. At the time, a close friend asked what the hell I was thinking bringing them into my inner circle. They said something I’ll never forget: “Aren’t you going to be, like, so uncomfortable knowing that they’re seeing all your personal posts? You’re going to have to watch *everything* you say from now on.”

It wasn’t until I’d heard the thought that had been rattling around in my own head out loud that I’d realized just how important it was to be made uncomfortable. How vital it was to be "aware of everything I was saying.” How desperately so many of us needed - and still need - to widen our circles to let in precisely those about whose lives and opinions and reactions we should deeply care.

We can’t take up every fight, particularly not on social media. But I do hope that at least in our brick and mortar lives, we will keep finding avenues to connect, to talk, to learn, and to grow. Because the absence of connection has proven to be fertile ground for nothing but fear, hate, and further division — and we’ve had enough of those to last a lifetime.

* Full quote: "One of the ICA’s most important conclusions was that Russia’s aggressive interference efforts should be considered ‘the new normal.’ That warning has been borne out, as Russia and its imitators increasingly use information warfare to sow societal chaos and discord.” - Republican Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina, Chairman, Senate Intelligence Committee"

-

And now, me:

FYI, one of my mentors is the activist mentioned, Radical Neurodivergent K, who coined the term neurodivergence many years ago, who will indeed take you to task regardless of what your brain is. And it's only been since 2013 that I discovered I was autistic, but in that time I have experienced and listened to so many ways of thinking, I've put them all in a crucible, and I keep trying to explain that just because you know a thing it doesn't mean you have all the knowledge. You always have more to learn. Information changes, expands, updates, increases. It's really easy to be a hypocrite. You need to keep listening to yourself, and you can't just burst in to gatekeep no matter how you feel.

A good example might be: an "Aspie Supremacist" insisting I or other autistic fans can't make an autistic headcanon about a fictional character who displays autistic traits because, according to that gatekeeper, the character doesn't have all the "right" traits, meaning their own traits, because they still retain their Aspergers diagnosis. By itself this is deep internalized ableism, and now it's with the added insult of an outdated diagnosis connected to a eugenics program that makes me extremely uncomfortable. Because Aspergers Syndrome is autism full stop, and functioning labels don't work and are arbitrary. Nobody needs to be that haughty or condescending to another neurotribe member, especially when it comes to expressing very personalized imaginings. That's kind of what Headcanons are about.

Anyway.

[chronicbatfictioner]

Theater of the Soul - Chapter 10

It all sounded wrong. The red in the box. Yet it sounded right, too. He felt that he was moved, somewhere, out of his safety-- the blanket. His fort that is his safety. Somewhere else cramped and smelled like fruit and chemicals.

A hand was extended toward him, followed with dark blue eyes that felt... safe. Safer than none. He took the hand, but didn't lower his legs from the cushions until the little girl came in and spoke to him. The scenery outside changed rapidly, but the little girl chirped along with everybody else and assured him that he would be okay.

Everything else was a big blur until he found himself on a couch. A comfortable couch, unlike the ones he would find on the streets - obviously. But there were no stars in the sky - not that there ever was in the skies of Los Angeles. The air felt chilled, but stale-- bottled. And he mourned a little, for the freedom he must have lost again, this time; for his little bird, gone with whatever meager possession they must have taken away from him, again; for the boy and the little girl, still with him from the sounds of her voice nearby, just probably not for long.

He sighed, a little dejectedly as he watched the activity and people talking around him without understanding. It was odd, that his brain could not understand. He was good with languages. Once upon a time. Before hell rained down on him. Before the wrath of... whoever or whatever deity that hated him befell him. But it was all his fault, anyway.

What else is new?

It seemed that seeing Barbara's quite an emotional response, and Jason's likewise response to Barbara finally convinced Danny that they were all somewhat related.

"How do I know you're not a pedo, dude?" He demanded once they managed to get Jason in to Helena's car, along with some meager possessions that... well, that Helena deemed worthy to be put in her car; which do not 'smell or looked like it hasn't seen a detergent or soap in twenty years.'

Tim gave him a withering glare. "I'm fifteen. You're sixteen. I believe 'pedo' requires the monster to be an older person." he deadpanned.

"She's an older lady." he pointed out.

"And I can assure you, young man, that I have no interest in men whose age start with the number one, or are yet to be able to legally buy liquor." Helena retorted.

"She's actually a school teacher, you know." Tim said. "Maybe..."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Drake." Helena warned.

"Not making any, just a suggestion." Tim shrugged, taking the front passenger seat and partially turned around to look at Jason. The latter was huddled in the backseat, hugging his knees and looked...

Tim blinked in confusion.

...scared. That's what Jason looked like.

On a whim, he extended his hand toward Jason. After staring at Tim's hand for a long moment, Jason tentatively took it and held on.

"You'll be okay," Tim told him. "Whatever happened, you'll be okay. I promise..."

"What did I say about promises you can't keep?" Helena scoffed.

"I don't care, Helena. He will be okay. Whatever and however." Tim said, solemnly promising himself that.

"Well... I'm going in to get my sis... Won't be five minutes. But if he freaked out..." Danny warned them as the car pulled over in front of the Hope Center.

"We'll holler." Helena assured him. As Danny slipped out of the car, Tim started to feel the tremble.

"Hey, hey... you're alright... Jason, you'll be okay, I promise..." Tim soothed him, rubbing his thumb to the back of Jason's hand - still lightly clutching his. "I know... I know you're scared. Whatever happened to you..." he continued, keeping his voice soothing and low. "it's not your fault, okay? I'm here to help. We're here to help you go home."

Tim kept talking softly, with Helena watching, until Danny came back with a 4-year old girl in tow. She glowered at Tim and Helena before her eyes landed on Jason and she bounded into the car. "Hi, Red!" she cooed.

Jason didn't reply. But he didn't object either when the little girl firmly took a seat on his lap. He had released Tim's hand to hold her with both arms.

"This is Ellie, my sis." Danny explained. "I told her we're going to a hotel with some really nice folks." he glared, as if expecting Helena or Tim to challenge him.

"Babs and Dinah would've gotten some food," Tim said. "...I hope." he added.

"Dinah has... handled homeless issues before." Helena replied, a little grim. "Just... food for thought here, Timothy, we're not in Gotham. Nobody here cares enough like Bruce Wayne to start something to help everybody."

Tim nodded. "I know." he acknowledged. "Just... I'm not stupid, okay? I'd love to help whenever I can. But I know where I'm standing."

"We don't really need your help, you know." Danny said, a little huffily. "I toldja my mom would be outta jail next week."

"And then you think she'll go back to prostitution, or can find a job on her own thereafter?" Tim asked softly. "It's just... Gotham, where I'm from, has this kind of problem, too. Back there, we have someone who's willing to help those who need it - like your mom or you. Here, honestly, I don't know if anybody will. And if what Helena said is right, nobody would. You'll need all the help you can get, Danny." he added.

Danny was quiet for a long moment, and then said, "I can get a job. I just haven't found any so far."

Tim nodded, but said nothing. "Yeah, we'll figure it out, man. Just... give us a week, alright?"

It was only once they got to the penthouse, and met Barbara's glare, that Tim started to wonder if his plans would backfire at some point.

"Bruce is flying here right after curtain down tonight," Barbara told him. "I've told him that Jason might need a physician, so he's bringing along Dr Leslie Thompkins. Whatever you have in mind for those two - and probably their mother, next, I hope you have or will think it through, Tim."

"Yeah, well. No I haven't. But I've checked with the Teachers' Registry and their mother is registered there. She was laid off from a private school due to downsizing - not because of any complaints. Babs..." Tim pressed his lips, "do you ever think of how hard of a decision it would be for a teacher to go down the road of solicitation to feed her children?"

Barbara's sigh was soft, but right there. "I am a woman, Tim." she reminded, and Tim could feel the flush rising up in his cheeks.

"Yeah, just... you know, even those of the same gender can sometimes be insensitive of their own's plight. ...Not saying you do, that is. Just..." he backtracked quickly.

"Timmy, baby, your compassion is stellar. But..."

"...if Bruce had thought of having 'saved' only one person, Dick wouldn't be there. Jason wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here. And that's not putting names or numbers to the Narrows and Park Row kids at the community theater of each area." Tim snapped. "I don't understand people's obsession with numbers. Yeah, it might take me a shit load of cost to try and help one person. Yeah, I'm a kid, and maybe I don't have that kind of money. But at least I can present to those who can help - can set aside some of their resources to help. Like Bruce, maybe. Or Kate. Or anyone.

"Even if it doesn't work in the long run, Babs, at least I've tried. It's better than doing nothing, right? If everyone who 'wants' to help eventually do nothing, where do those who have less get their second chances? I know I'm not a god who can just will everyone to prosper or suffer less. I know I didn't waste my vote on the stupid idiot we have to refer to as 'the President' who'd made people suffer indirectly and directly. But at least I don't sit around and do nothing other than clucking my tongue and twiddle my thumbs!" Even as he wrapped up his speech, he quickly became aware of Helena and Dinah's glare from behind him. He screwed his eyes shut, feeling foolish.

He understood that his wishes were wishful thinking. Tim was smart enough to understand that it would take more than a few weeks at the Penthouse or a few jobs offered to make sure Danny, his sister, and mom wouldn't need to suffer and/or live on the streets. He just... didn't see why he shouldn't try.

"I've called my boyfriend, Ollie," Dinah suddenly said. "He told me that his friend, Michael Holt, has just opened a business here in LA that's looking for new employees. I'll see if he can save up a few slots." Dinah's boyfriend Ollie - Oliver Queen - was a businessman whose businesses tend to lean on the sustainable green businesses. Michael Holt, Tim knew from the plethora of articles of him in various magazines, has a technology-based company that has since blown up bigger than Apple and its contemporaries.

"They... and their mom - can stay over at our place while they look for another." Helena said. "No need for Wayne to keep this penthouse open while our place can handle them."

"We don't need charity!" Danny suddenly burst in .

"Danny..." Tim started, but Dinah cut him off.

"Oh no, buddy, this ain't charity. I'll bill you and your mom once she got out." Dinah told him. "You should consider this as being put on credit."

Danny seemed to contemplate the thought for one long moment, and Tim could feel Barbara tugging the back of his shirt, likely warning Tim to not interfere.

"Okay, fine. Just... just because you'll be taking Jason and..." Danny turned to look at Jason, all the way across the other side of the living room. "...maybe taking him home. I mean... he's pretty strong and all. But..." he gulped.

And Tim understood. Jason has been protecting the two kids for the past few months. In Danny's mind, Jason had probably done a better job than his mother.

"He has a home, too, Danny. And people who love him dearly." Barbara said softly. "He... had gotten hurt coming out here. It's our duty to get him back to health and take care of him. I'm... the Jason I know won't abandon you, and once he's back to health, I know he'll look for you again."

Danny's chin jutted defiantly, and Tim pretended not to see the swift dip or the tremble of his lower lip. "Yeah, I know. Besides, I figured if I keep in touch with y'all, I'll know where and how he is, eventually. Maybe you can help him find his beloved little Red bird."

Tim's vision suddenly tunneled onto Danny.

"--What??"

"Little Red Bird. He has this photo of a bird with red chest like, mid-flight. A polaroid photo. He had it for-- I dunno how long. Since I've met him, I think. I don't know where he'd found it or what it meant. I thought it was his pet or something." Danny explained. "He lost the photo a few days ago and... well... he's been like that since." he thumbed toward Jason. Still inert, not even responding to the little girl chatting and crooning. "Not like he was chatty from the start. But when he lost the pic, it's like he'd lost his will to live or something." he shrugged.

"Oh." Tim replied numbly. He caught Barbara's questioning glare. "I..." he gulped, torn between wanting to search through his archives in his laptop, and giving an explanation to Barbara. "It's... oh... I gotta show you." the former won, and he dashed to his bedroom, to his laptop. After what felt like forever (and after sending a print command to a printer), he finally found it.

He marched triumphantly with his laptop to Barbara, and pointed at the screen. "This," he said. "is a robin."

"Cheeky," Barbara smiled as the photo was printed out in A4-size letter - and a few others in smaller size because there is no photo paper available in the penthouse, and Tim wasn't planning on getting it - at least not now. "Robin, huh?"

"Yes, Puck." Tim said, smiling smugly. "He'd accompanied me on the shoots for this one. We were..." he gulped around the lump that suddenly appeared in his throat. "...I was making his portfolio. And then we saw the robins. This... mama robin was landing to feel her fledglings." he explained. "It was more of a lucky catch than anything... Jason loved it and asked for a copy in polaroid shape."

"Shit, boy, you took this photo?" Danny gave a low whistle.

"Language!" Helena hissed.

"Sorry, but,.. yeah, seriously. You printin' this out? He could be... I mean, maybe he'll be less sad..." he said.

"Yeah, I'm printing it out." Tim said, going to the printer and retrieved the bigger picture. "I'm not sure this will work, though... But..." he handed the picture to Danny.

"Oh no, buddy. If you're... if I'm right, then you should give him the photo." Danny said.

"Boys, I strongly advise we wait until Doc Leslie got here. If anything... if he lashed out or anything, the doc can sedate him." Dinah suggested. "That's... an amazing photo, Tim." she added, looking at the photo. "But yes, I think he has been in some sort of trauma-based catatonia, and thus the strong emotional ties to the photo. I would prefer to give him a little time..." she paused at Tim's glare. "Okay, I would like to observe him without uncommon stimuli for as long as possible, at least until Bruce gets here. Or at the oh-so-very-most until morning, since Bruce will get here by the crack of dawn and I expect most of us to be asleep." her tone of voice did not leave room for argument, and Tim shrank away a little. "Right now, I would like you - all of you - to wash up. Use the pool or something. Just wash up real good. And then we can get some lunch. Wait-- no, supper. It's almost 5 p.m."

"Can we get Thai?" Danny asked, almost innocently. Dinah glared at him. "I haven't had Thai in like, forever!"

Dinah huffed. "Fine. Just... all of you scrub up. Now!" she glared at Tim. "You too, Timothy. Or else I'm gonna throw you to the pool."

Tim almost laughed. Almost. Then his eyes landed on Jason, still huddled quietly at the corner of the couch in the living room with Ellie, Danny's sister, leaning on him comfortably.

"I'll get you home, Jason, I promise." he muttered under his breath, even if his mind is telling him that Jason's blank stare equals to a very tall, very sturdy brick wall around Jason's mind that might just be very, very hard to break through.