#which kinda makes me wanna do it. like my advisor wont b there so he wont be there to go: ...is that along [insert sampling location]?
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#on Wednesday i have to talk abt myself for departmental seminar for like 4min. all the new grad students have to#like where ur from. what u do. what u do in ur freetime and i can guarantee that at least 80% will b like#i like to hike and b outside!!! with outdoors-y pictures. and i like to b outside but mostly i like to consume media and draw#so im like do i put myself on blast for drawing by showing something ive drawn? i dont particularly want to#i probably will tho. im tempted to try to draw this insane thing. it will b cool if i can do it but i have like 3 presentations to get ready#this week so i probably wont have enough time to do it unless i stop sleeping or stop being depressed#god it woulf take so much time i dont have. but it would b cool. it would b a fucking insane thing to show to my departure tho lmao#which kinda makes me wanna do it. like my advisor wont b there so he wont be there to go: ...is that along [insert sampling location]?#and i dont have to b like yes that is in fact a petrified angel laying in [insert sampling location]. i assure u im extremely normal and#this has no reflection on my state of mind lol. also showing a bunch of Evolutionary Biologist religious imagery seems insane#which again makes me wanna do it lol. well see. ill probably just put up that drawing of a cat in a poolside chair that i took in Portugal#ay ay ay. so much to do. relax they say. take care of urseld they say. and yet the list of things i have requirements to get done is ever#expanding. so it goes. maybe ill draw my angel anyway#unrelated
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#ok so like this is fine bc im not in a horrible mood rn. this is more i feel like complaining bc what im doing is kinda ridiculous#but my memory is so bad that ill probably forget if i dont write it out. but basically 4 days a week i have to come in starting at 7.30 to#water and prep for measurements. then from 9am to 6.15pm i have to nonstop take the measurements. and theyre timed so that means#i get abt 4 min to do anything before i have to take another measurement. which is abt enough time to start to focus and then have to stop#which is very fucking frustrating. and i have to manage data. coordinate for this fucking paper. and keep track of like 10 other things for#work stuff. which means that it takes me like and hour to send easy emails and they come out all fucked uo bc my brain is so shot#but on top of that i also have to fucking do the steps to get set up for my new school in the fall. and like ive officially accepted the#offer but havent talked to my new advisor since then so now theres this weird gap where im like. uh fuck do i ask for wtf im supposed to#do? bc ive been able to do things for like 2 or 3 weeks but then my life started collapsing in around me. and like there r probably#instructions somewhere but i cant fucking read lol. whatever. hes nice i just need to find the energy and words to email him and b like lol#srry everythings been insane. but bc ive waited so long i have to compulsively keep going back to check that ive been accepted like somehow#that would change while im not looking. ugh. and ive also fucked myself over housing wise bc theres a housing shortage in the city and huge#demand of housing on camus so theres a wait list for everything but i cant fucking apply bc i cant get my id to work. and fucking idk who#to call or email abt that. but idk i might have to have roomates for a semester. or my parents offered to give me some extra money for an#apartment until i can get one that doesnt put me in the red on a grad student budget. ugh. i dont wanna do either of those things#but christ do i not want roommates. ill figure something out. its just annoying and difficult from so far away#and it makes me kinda sad bc ppl r like: r u excited?! and im like. i cant really think abt that. partly bc im constanly putting out fires#in the present so theres not really space for it. partly bc i dont allow myself to b excited abt things so as not to get my hopes up.#but just after i accepted i was excited. and now it feels like im reaching my hand out toward a floating light just out of reach. like#its a nice idea but i wont believe until it happens. but that just bc ive become distorted about things#and i dont even get a weekend bc the 4 days of measurement r friday to Monday and i cant fucking relax on weekdays bc ppl r like hey can u#do this??? and there r things i can only do on weekdays so its like ok i guess ill just suffer forever thrn. and my boss texts me like: hey#did u do X? and am like: uuuuuh i fucking dont kno what day it is anymore. i dont understand y we have to meet. lets just not talk bc im#afraid ill say something worrying. so yea its pretty fucked up rn. but this stuff ends on the 24th#then ill probably not take a break and fucking finish the measurements for another project bc i just really need it to b done. i need it#all to b done so i can fucking wash my hands of this and fucking quit and move away at the start of july... or August if i decide i hate#myself that much. ugh. at least the lab has been pretty empty so no ones seen me crying lol#also thr fucking rutgers guy emailed me yesterday like: hey u want this position? and im like bitch u r like a month too late also im in#my cringe fail era. i would not survive at ur school. ugh everything is terrible. 2 or 3 more months then i csn leave this place forever#unrelated
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