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song: claire de lune

transcript under the read more

future: wait!

past: hello?

future: don't do it

past: aaaahh, who are you?

future: i'm you, but from 2 days in the future

past: you're not me, you're some sort of smooth faced man baby

future: exactly, so put the shaver down

past: but i'm bored

future: then go read a book

past: heh, no

future: you're gonna like it for two days and then you're gonna get really sad about it

past: ok fine. i won't do it

future, with facial hair again: /gasp!/ thank you

past: now get out of my room

future: oh, ok. it's my room too, though. good talk

/razor sound turns on again/

future: no...

future: aaahhh. mm

past: help i don't like it!

future: no one can help us now, you beautiful fool

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video game fruits!! 🍓

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Fazbear Entertainment: Okay so guys we need a caring and supportive animatronic to look after toddlers in the daycare. Any ideas?

Designer: What if we made a hyperactive flying clown puppet that actively gives candy to the children to make them fall asleep?

Fazbear Ent, tearing up: … Omg… I love it.

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bowser junior taking the star off the top of a tree

doodle i did for work that says: want ornaments? ask for help! *tree may fall*

since the decorative tree we have is small and on a high ish place in the store

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Shadowee4959 commissioned for their OC chloe hugging their friend's OC lilac

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a 12 year old boy at work today made a clay snail and was painting it all black and i VERY JOKINGLY asked ‘haha are you making a goth snail’ 

he proceeded to go into a fully-fleshed out backstory about how his snail was conceived by satan, had the power to eat child souls, was named after oscar from sesame street, lives permanently covered in black eye liner and how this. this tiny clay snail was the only one who survived the thanos snap 

it killed me. i was doubled over and crying and i literally had to give this kid candy to stop talking about it

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doofenshmirtz age accelerator inator from lights candace action

i like the idea of unnaturally aged cheese. making my gouda old using dread magics forbidden by the college of sorcery

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Not all venom fans are monster fuckers 😞 some of us are just aroace disasters who like the idea of a platonic soulmate who likes to murder annoying people for you, is that so bad?

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Okay, so here’s the story about the pumpkins:

My friend got married yesterday and we missed the wedding because of work but we made it to the reception. Because its mid-September and the reception was in a nature center (awesome!) there was a little bit of a fall theme. Not overbearingly, but the tables all had these tiny pumpkins. 

So they’re cleaning up at the end of it and we’re still hanging out because we haven’t seen these people in forever and we can talk until three in the morning when we get together. All of a sudden, the Maid of Honor hands us a tiny pumpkin. 

“Take one.”

“Um… okay?”

“Take another.”

“….?”

“It is my duty as Maid of Honor to make sure that the guests leave with an uncomfortable number of tiny pumpkins.”

So it turns out that she’d gotten a bunch of them for a Halloween party last year and after the party was over her mom threw them into the compost heap thinking that would be the end of it. But what she didn’t seem to realize was that if you put pumpkins in a compost heap- it grows more pumpkins. It grows pumpkins exponentially. Serious mathematical anomaly pumpkins. 

So this year she has even more tiny pumpkins and she figured it would be a good idea to have them as decor for the reception. BUT- she would still have to throw them out at the end of the day and no matter where you throw them you are doomed to have a ridiculous amount of tiny pumpkins growing SOMEWHERE at your fault. 

So everyone left with at least two tiny pumpkins and that’s how we made friends with the Maid of Honor. 

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don't fuck with me boy. i know of mushrooms that could fix your marriage, and i also know mushrooms that could destroy it in seconds.

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transcript under the read more

/bird regurgitates an entire blueberry while sitting on someone’s fingers/

person: wuh- ok what just happened?

person: uuuuhhhh, are y’alright?

birb magician

(via)

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transcript under the read more

grandmas get it

entememeology:

my grandmother knitted this pillow for me when i was 10 yeard old or so, after my scorpion died. thought you all might appreciate <3

(edit: thnak you all for your love! gi passed away in 2007 and we miss her everyday. she was an amazing person)

image of a light blue pillow with a black scorpion wearing a halo and lying down on a cloud on it

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It would be so funny if autistic people started describing allistic experience the same pathologised way doctors describe autism

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luigi (dressed as a clown) scaring mario (dressed as a mummy) and bowser

bowser, shaking in his shell: pedal to the metal, shrimpy!! he's gaining on us!

mario: awawa!!

luigi: honk! honk!

based on the canon that bowser's scared of clowns (i'm making mario scared of them too)

luigi's not scared cuz he's the one dressed as a clown and chasing them around

bowuigi halloween event

prompt mix:

run/ escape

costume party

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kamek giving mario a potion cuz he's just fed up with all this will they won't they bowuigi bullshit

kamek: listen, red, i'm at my wit's end with these two

kamek: take this. maybe if we... ugh

kamek: team up, those idiots will finally get together

mario: grazie

hear me out

kamek and mario love their boys

but good GOD is it taking forever for one of them to say something

anything!

bowuigi halloween event

prompt: potions

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transcript under the read more

[my funeral]

boss: *solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me we are so understaffed today

boss: *addressing my grieving family and friends* can anyone work a double tomorrow lol

boss: *staring at my corpse and writing on a clipboard* not a team player, check