#which it’s been really relaxing not to have a convo every second of the day or like a convo | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mypoisonedvine · 4 years ago

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𝐩𝐨𝐨𝐥𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐞 || helmut zemo, bucky barnes and sam wilson x reader

(this is a sequel to 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭-𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐞, I recommend reading that first although it’s not 100% necessary... it would make this make a lot more sense though)

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 : it was just a matter of time before he upped the ante, all four of you knew that, but taking you all on a vacation specifically for this was a bit over-the-top.

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 : 7.9k (hoo boy)

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 : smut (foursome/group sex + a scene that’s just zemo/reader, cockwarming, d/s dynamics, brief oral f receiving, a touch of dubcon/cnc but it’s very subtle and the reader is 100% consenting), established zemo x reader, sugar daddy relationship, ‘sir’ kink (with zemo), ‘daddy’ kink (with sam), orgasm control/denial, overstimulation, creampie, praise with light degradation, possessiveness (but also sharing, lol), exhibitionism/voyeurism, choking, brief anal mention, once again technically cuckolding but not in the typical sense, slight corruption kink?, too many robes, latin sokovian (or as I like to call it, serbukromanian), also assume that whenever the reader and zemo are alone they are speaking sokovian even though I write the convos in english for the sake of simplicity

thank you for being my beta @nsfwsebbie !!

When your Baron told you he wanted to take you on a vacation, you immediately assumed it would be to the mountains or some European city full of history and culture. Instead, you were a bit surprised to hear he was interested in a beach resort, a private villa he had purchased in French Polynesia.

And then you found out he wanted to bring Sam and Bucky along too… and you were simultaneously more and less surprised. More, because who brings tentative coworkers one barely gets along with on a romantic vacation? Less, because of course he would do this. Of course he had plans to dress you up in the tiniest bikinis he could find and show you off to the men who had already become pawns in his perverted game of social chess.

Not that you minded; you were the Queen of the board and it didn’t bother you if it was what the King wanted.

You spent the first night in the villa alone with him, which you appreciated. It had been a while since you two had some real quality time together, and you were craving him more than ever, in every way.

After a beautiful day spent swimming in the crystal blue ocean and enjoying the sights your new temporary home had to offer, you took a shower and tried not to get too excited about how you might be spending the evening with him. But, of course, you were only a few minutes into washing the saltwater off your body when you began to imagine his tongue on you, god that man could use his tongue to destroy you any way he wanted: with his words, with his kisses, or perhaps best of all with it tasting every inch of your cunt. It was amazing how he could get on his knees for you and still have all the power. He liked to make you keep eye contact with him while he did it, make you beg him to let you come, whatever it took to remind you that you were thoroughly and properly owned.

And you loved every second of it, you loved being helpless to him. He made you feel so safe that being vulnerable with him by now felt like no risk at all. You could remember early on when your fears and insecurities made you more hesitant to submit to him, and it was only with gentle patience that he coaxed you into it, never pressure or anger. You weren’t a virgin when you met him but, sometimes it felt like you might as well have been since you were so inexperienced and undersexed then. In fact, he was the first man, the first person other than yourself to make you come… and he made you come more ways than you had known possible.

Okay, so maybe the plan to not get your hopes up wasn’t going so well… you were already struggling to keep your hands from between your legs. Frankly, you would’ve already done it if you didn’t know that touching yourself was against the rules.

You’d gotten so used to taking care of yourself while he was in prison, at which point he obviously suspended that rule, and it was a hard habit to break at times.

You emerged from the bathroom in the fluffy robe you found on the door, smiling when you saw him lounging on the bed in a matching one, reading Анна Каренина (known by the West as Anna Karenina). He looked contemplative, as always, and you always thought he looked especially sexy in his reading glasses. You slipped into the bed beside him, resting your head on his chest as he found a position where he could read comfortably with his arm around your shoulders.

“You must’ve already read that book a thousand times, Helmut,” you sighed.

“And it gets better every time,” he mumbled back, turning the page.

You pouted slightly, nuzzling into his shoulder, and he chuckled. “Is my little lutka in need of some attention?”

You nodded, and he kissed the top of your head softly.

“Why don’t you keep me warm while I finish this chapter, hm?” he offered, and you involuntarily clenched your thighs together at his words. He phrased it like a question, but it felt more like a gentle demand, and you were happy to agree either way.

“Yes, sir,” you hummed as you sat up and straddled his legs, undoing your robe and opening his to wrap your hand around his half-hard cock.

He reached his full potential with only a few slow strokes, and you found yourself absent-mindedly licking your lips as you saw the way your fingers just barely met with your thumb and imagined how your body would be pushed to its limits to take him. Good thing you were already dripping wet even though you’d just been in the shower.

You indulged in rubbing your pussy over his shaft for a moment, enough to coat him in your wetness, before you lined up his tip to your entrance and sunk down onto him with a sigh, feeling like you could never tire of being stretched open by his thick cock.

When your hips met his, and the tip of his cock brushed against the deepest parts of you, you had to bite your lip to suppress a whimper. After so long apart, you were still readjusting to taking him and being on top didn’t make it much easier.

Honestly, you really weren’t trying to move; you just found your hips rocking slightly, seemingly of their own accord. You moaned under your breath as your clit rubbed against his body, but you were pulled from your trance with a whine as he slapped your thigh.

“No moving, draga, I think I made myself clear,” he reminded you sternly.

“Yes, sir,” you breathed.

You were pretty sure that at some point, you were a patient person. But you couldn’t imagine that now, not when all you could think about was how amazing it would be to just ride him right there, memories running through your mind and making your inner walls ripple unintentionally. He either couldn’t feel it or didn’t care, stoically continuing to read even as you were struggling to stay still.

Your plan was to be good for a while and then hope that you could convince him later… but you know what they say about best-laid plans, so you ended up cutting straight to the convincing pretty fast.

“Can I move yet, sir?”

“It’s hardly been a minute,” he frowned.

“Please,” you sighed, just barely moving your hips without even meaning to.

“Not yet,” he asserted, sounding a bit annoyed, but you needed this more than anything.

"Please let me move, please; I just wanna ride you so bad,” you begged.

He sighed, clearly irritated, and just when you thought you’d made a grave error, he finally put his book aside and looked up at you with a grin. "If I had known you would be so whiny, I would have had you keep me warm with your mouth.”

You opened your mouth to respond but let out only whimpery moans when he ran his hands up your body, toying briefly with your nipples before wrapping a hand around your neck and pulling you down into a rough kiss. Moaning into it, you couldn’t hold back any longer and started to rock your body atop his, savoring that perfect drag of his length along your walls that you’d missed so much.

Before you got a chance to really set your pace, he grabbed you tight and rolled the both of you over, pinning you under his weight as he fucked you in that way that was somehow rough and slow at the same time, moving his kiss to your neck and holding you down by your wrists.

“Fuck, th-thank you, sir,” you sighed, your cheeks warming when he chuckled against your skin.

“You really are too sweet, draga,” he whispered.

Your arms wrapped around his neck while your legs did the same to his hips, keeping him deep inside you while his lips and tongue teased your collarbones, his fingers interlacing with yours.

He spent the entire night somewhere between making love to you and fucking you within an inch of your life, making you come more times than you could count, only taking breaks from fucking you to eat you out like a starving man (and one time for a quick drink sometime around 3 a.m.). It was no wonder, then, that you passed out just a few moments after he finally came inside you, sleeping soundly in his arms until well into the morning, nearly noon in fact, when the sun was streaming in through the massive window.

After a relaxed breakfast of champagne and fruit (the native pamplemousse was unlike anything you’d ever eaten before), Helmut encouraged you to shower again and meet him at the pool, which was a bit surprising since he normally liked to have you keep his come in you as long as possible. “Our guests should be here this afternoon,” was his only explanation, and you had a few ideas about what that meant, all of which made your gut sink in an oddly pleasurable way as you were filled with anticipation.

“Wear that bathing suit I bought for you, the new one,” he added finally as he stepped out onto the back patio.

It might seem silly to have a pool on a property right by the beach, but on days like today, where the ocean water was just a bit too chilly, you were thankful to have the heated pool to take a dip in. Honestly, you were a little surprised that Helmut didn’t make you swim in the ocean to see your nipples get hard through the tight black bikini, but then again, they were already getting there just from sharing a pool chair with him.

He was lying against the cushioned chair; your body sat between his spread legs as the back of your head rested on his chest. And, this is entirely unrelated, but you really liked how he looked in the round sunglasses he had on.

You hummed contentedly as you reached up behind you to touch him, rubbing his shoulders and pecs. You wiggled a bit, slowly, and imagined how it would feel if he got hard right against the small of your back.

"Mm, what's gotten into you, lutka?" he purred, rubbing your arms.

You rolled your eyes playfully. "You know the effect you have on me, don't act surprised."

Just before anything exciting could happen, Sam and James entered through the fence, apparently already having changed into their swimsuits; you wished you had thought to wear sunglasses so they couldn’t catch you ogling their muscular bodies, but instead, you just tried to keep your cool as you waved hello.

“Welcome!” Helmut called out, both of you getting up to greet them properly. “I hope your flight was alright…?”

“Yeah, it was great,” Sam nodded, “thanks.”

“You really own this whole place?” James added, glancing around.

“Yes, would you like to have a swim? I hear it should be warm enough tomorrow for the ocean, but until then…” Helmut trailed off.

Sam went right ahead, diving in and smiling wide when he popped back up. That man had such an infectious smile, you thought he should charge people to see it or something because you felt spoiled seeing it for free.

James jumped in behind him but seemed a little surprised when he returned to the surface to see you back in your chair with Helmut. “Care to join us?” he asked you.

“Um, no, I already swam a bit this morning,” you remembered, suddenly shy, “I think I’ll stay by the pool a while longer.”

“Aw, I was looking forward to getting to know you better,” he pouted, and everyone else raised an eyebrow at that statement. “Um, verbally, I mean,” he added, cheeks flushing slightly.

“What would you want to know?” you asked, sighing as you relaxed against Helmut’s chest.

“Well, what’s your story?” he shrugged, swimming up the edge of the pool to hang his arms over the edge.

“I… suppose it’s a rather short story,” you realized, “I was born in Sokovia, but my parents were immigrants. I was a bit of an ugly duckling as a child, I think.”

“You look like quite the swan now,” James winked, and you hoped Helmut wouldn’t notice how much that affected you.

“Oh, thank you,” you mumbled.

“Which reminds me, that’s a cute bikini you have on,” he complimented.

“Do you like it?” you hummed coyly. “Helmut picked it out.”

“Why don’t you give them a better look, darling?” Helmut prompted, and Sam swam up to hang over the edge too as you stood up and fought the urge to cover yourself with your arms. The Baron motioned his finger in a circle, silently instructing you to twirl so they could see the back, and you did though you felt a bit self-conscious about it. Finally, once you were sure they’d had an eyeful, he let you sit back down in his lap.

“Cute, isn’t it?” he cooed as his fingers travelled slowly up your sides. “It’s Chanel.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Sam dismissed, unlatching himself from the edge of the pool and falling into a backstroke. “This is weird. I just wanna swim.”

“You didn’t think this was seriously a free vacation, no strings attached, did you?” James shot back, getting up out of the pool and shaking some of the water off of himself before sitting down in the chair beside you two and letting his eyes wander over you. “So, Chanel, huh?” he prompted, and you nodded.

“Helmut says I should only wear the nicest things,” you explained, sitting up slightly.

“Why does it matter? You’d look beautiful in anything,” James cooed, and you felt a little dirty for how much you liked his attention. Good thing you liked feeling dirty.

“And a rare wagyu steak would taste just as good served any way, but you wouldn’t put it on a paper plate, now would you?” Helmut countered. “Well, maybe you would…”

James rolled his eyes but brushed off Helmut’s insult, returning his attention to you. “I guess I’m just… hungry enough that it doesn’t make much of a difference.”

You reached up to trace your fingertip over the silver chain dangling off of his neck, biting your lip as you hooked your finger around it and pulled him closer. “Are you hungry enough that you don’t mind that it’s another man’s meal?”

His blue eyes went wide for a moment before glancing down to your lips and back up to your unwavering gaze, your brow raised as if a challenge while his furrowed as if he were considering accepting it.

“If he’s willing to share…” James whispered back.

“Then kiss me,” you requested softly, pulling him closer by his dog tags one more time until your lips met.

The way James kissed you was… difficult to describe. Gentle, but with this edge of intensity— like he was restraining himself, like there was so much more passion teeming beneath the surface. You wanted to bring that out if you could; you wanted to see how far you could push him until he lost it.

As James carefully ventured his tongue into your mouth, only to pull back and nip your bottom lip with his teeth, Helmut kissed you too— on the back of your neck, that spot that always made you wet and desperate right away. You moaned, and you couldn’t be sure exactly who it was for, but James sure decided to respond to it either way, tilting his head more to let his kiss explore you deeper.

Helmut’s teeth dug into your shoulder right as James nipped at your bottom lip like they had somehow explicitly coordinated to make you desperate; your right hand reached up to weave into James’ hair, your left squeezing Helmut’s wrist at your side.

The kiss ended just a moment too soon, and there was a delay before you blinked your eyes open to look back at James, who seemed quite proud of himself.

“Touch me,” you pleaded in a whimper.

“Where?” he asked, somewhat innocently.

“Y-you know where…” you mumbled.

He grinned wide, all trance of innocence gone. “I know, but I want you to say it.”

“My cunt,” you whispered, and he snarled just a bit at the word. “Please?”

“Of course, which one do you want?” James prompted with a grin, showing you his hands as your eyes instantly gravitated to the metal one.

“I think you know which I’m going to choose,” you mumbled shyly, and he smirked as he reached forward with the vibranium arm to brush his fingertips over your stomach, moving down to the top hemline of your bikini bottom.

You just barely gasped when the metal digits swiped over your clit and began to rub gentle circles, almost too slow as if he wanted to tease you… which, of course, he did.

"Do you like the way he touches you, draga?" Helmut whispered. His voice in your ear was like honey on your tongue, like honey everywhere.

"Yes, sir," you nodded, looking down at James' hand buried into your bikini.

"Hey, tell me you like it, too," James protested, "I'm the one doing it after all."

"I like it, James," you repeated, looking up at him. "I… don't have a title for you. Should I call you something when you touch me like this?"

"You can just call me Bucky from now on, okay? I think we're well past close enough now for that."

"Okay, Bucky," you sighed, watching the way his jaw clenched when you called him by name, "please put your fingers inside me."

"Both?"

"Yes, please," you breathed.

"But my fingers are thick, they're hard metal, and you're so small and delicate…"

"I want them to stretch me out, just please—"

A loud moan of shock jumped out of your mouth when he pushed the fingers in all at once, and though it reawakened some of the soreness from when Helmut had fucked you the night before, it felt wonderful enough to make your back arch up from the strong body behind you, his erection now digging into your hip.

It was certainly loud enough to get Sam's attention, who suddenly appeared beside the chair while he towelled off his chiselled chest.

"Damn, what are y'all doing to her over here?" he wondered aloud as if he were concerned for your health.

"Just playing with Zemo's little doll," Bucky answered. "She's really fucking tight, can barely fit two fingers."

"Wait, move over, let me see," Sam insisted, making Bucky pull his fingers out and Helmut holding you more firmly as Sam slipped his hand into your bikini as well, poking his fingers at your entrance before pushing them in.

His fingers were even thicker and longer than Bucky's, just by a slight margin yet enough to make you mewl and arch your back as your eyes fluttered shut.

"Fuck, yeah, you were right," Sam breathed, and you felt more hands running over your body but you couldn't even tell anymore whose they were; you knew one that reached to pull up your bikini top and expose your breasts was Helmut's, because only he would be so bold, but the fingers teasing your nipples, the rough palm running up your legs… they could've belonged to anyone, and that realization made your clit throb.

"Okay, okay, that's enough. I was here first," Bucky mumbled as you felt Sam's fingers slip out and the metal ones push back in— not to mention the thumb reaching up to circle your clit slowly.

He wasn't just exploring you this time; you could tell he had a mission. The way he instantly curled into your spot, the way he moved quickly yet deliberately, all made your thighs begin to quiver.

Helmut kissed your ear, gently tilting your head to access your neck better where he began to suck hard enough to leave a mark, mumbling something in Sokovian about how good you were being for him and his guests.

You loved being good, and the praise made your hips lift a little so you could rock yourself onto Bucky's fingers; the three men chuckled proudly.

"Feels that good?" Bucky pressed, and you nodded quickly.

He fingered you even faster, harder, and you cried out.

"Ohhh fuck, Bucky!" you gasped. "Bucky, I'm gonna come!"

"Oh no, you're not," Helmut groaned, giving you a quick spank on the inner thigh as you whined and jolted. "James, take your fingers out."

"Do I have to?"

"You do if you want a chance to fill her with more than just your fingers…"

That worked right away, Bucky pulling back as you pouted at being empty again.

“Let’s take her inside, and we can continue this there,” Helmut suggested, and Bucky lifted you up into his arms as the Baron led the group back to the master suite.

The convenient thing about bathing suits is that it takes so little time to get naked, which is why the second the patio door was shut, Bucky and Sam were stripping as their hard cocks bobbed up against their stomachs. As if that weren’t overwhelming enough, Helmut stepped away for a moment (which left you feeling more alone than usual) just as the men began to help you strip; Sam untied the back of your bikini while Bucky knelt and pulled down the bottoms, leaving you feeling exposed as you were totally bare before them. Bucky smiled up at you and kissed along your thighs while Sam grabbed a handful of your ass and growled a bit under his breath.

When you looked over at Helmut, you saw he had actually dressed in his robe rather than stripping, nearly making you whine with disappointment. But you couldn’t focus on that long as hands moved all over your skin, both of them still just slightly wet from the pool, and you shivered for both of those reasons.

You gasped when Bucky suddenly licked a thick stripe right over your folds, and if it weren’t for Sam’s arms holding you up, you might not have been able to stay standing.

Looking down at where Bucky was devouring you, he looked back up at you with a lot less dominating intensity in his eyes than you were used to seeing. Not that you minded; after all, no one could do what Helmut did as well as he could, but maybe Bucky could do something different, and it would be just as enjoyable. His tongue lapping at your clit was certainly wonderful so far.

Sam guided one of your hands back behind you to stroke his cock, your mouth falling slack, which he took advantage of by turning your face and capturing you in an open-mouthed kiss. You heard your moans stifle against his tongue, felt his cock flex a bit as you smeared the precum you found at his tip.

“I think that’s enough for now,” Helmut interrupted, and everyone turned to look at him. “Darling, come here,” he instructed with a curled finger that pointed to the bed, “hands and knees.”

You nodded and pushed the other men away, taking your place on the bed and looking up at him as he held your jaw gently.

"How long has it been since you had another man inside you, lutka?" he asked lowly.

"I can't even remember,” you admitted, “it's been so long…"

“Are you willing to try it?” he asked gently, no hint of domination or pressure in his tone, and you found yourself searching his eyes for the right answer.

“What do you want?” you asked him instead of answering.

“Draga, I’m asking what you want,” he reminded you, but you were afraid he would be hurt if you showed interest in the other men. Sure, previous evidence indicated that wasn’t an issue for him, but your gut instinct was to deny your attraction. So, you compromised.

“All I want is you,” you answered first, “but…”

“But?”

“But is it awful if… if I want them to fuck me, too?”

He smiled, kissing your forehead. “No, I don’t think so. Only as awful as it is that I want to watch them fuck you.”

You looked up at him and smiled back, brimming with gratitude that he was so gentle with you. It was fascinating how he wielded complete control over you and yet never used it against you.

“I have one rule, draga,” he added firmly, “you cannot come for them. You only come for me. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And stay on your hands and knees, so I can always get a good look at you, yes?”

“Yes, sir.”

He kissed you one more time before pulling away and sitting back in the chair in the corner with his ankle over his knee, looking at Sam and Bucky expectantly. Every chair he sat in seemed to look like a throne as soon as he was in it.

“Well, get on with it, then,” he instructed, motioning to you. The men looked at you and looked at each other before some kind of silent agreement took place and Bucky stepped up first. Sam sat down to watch you as you felt Bucky stand near the bed behind you, flesh and metal fingers running over your back until you shivered.

Then he pressed his cock against you, coating himself in your wetness, and that made you shiver, too.

You braced yourself as he lined himself up, whimpering slightly as he pushed his cock into you as well as hearing him moan lowly. The hand at your waist tightened as he hissed in a breath through his teeth.

"Fuck," he breathed, holding you still so he could fill you completely. “S’tight…” he slurred.

“How does it feel for you?” Helmut asked you, raising an eyebrow as he examined your expression, your mouth fallen slack, yet your brow furrowed.

“It feels… different,” you stammered your answer. You gasped loudly as Bucky started to move, and yes, this was very different. His cock was curved differently and though it didn’t exactly reach any new parts of you (you were sure Helmut had already touched every part of you physically accessible), it did stroke them in new ways.

He gained speed rather quickly, clearly too on edge himself to stay patient, and you didn’t blame him although it sent you moving faster toward the edge than you would’ve liked. At first you wondered if it would even be a challenge to keep from coming like Helmut had demanded… you chided yourself internally for ever being so hubristic.

His legs pushed yours apart, spreading them wider, and he began to really fuck you in earnest, fast and needy and each slam of his hips against your ass harder than ever. “O-oh fuck,” you choked, forcing your eyes shut and scrunching up your nose for a second when he slammed the tip of his cock right into the deepest spots inside you. This position left you with nowhere to go, put your whole body on display for him along with giving you no escape from his onslaught of pleasure. Worst of all was that you were pretty sure he wasn’t even trying that hard to make you feel good, and yet feeling used like that only turned you on more.

"Bucky, please, slow down," you whimpered.

"Absolutely do not do that," Helmut interjected sternly. "Don't let her tell you what to do."

And, possibly just to spite you, he actually fucked you faster. You sobbed and bit down on your lip, fighting everything building up inside you.

“You’d better not come,” Helmut warned through his teeth, “you’d better not fucking come. You know how bad it would be for you if you came for another man.”

“Y-yes, sir,” you nodded.

But Bucky was slamming right into your spot, and he knew it, too. He knew how desperate you were becoming, and apparently, he didn’t mind at all that you’d be punished for it. He leaned down to growl against your ear, “I know how close you are. Don’t you think it’d feel so good to just let go and come on my cock?”

You shook your head, tears streaming down your cheeks as the force it took to hold back your orgasm became painful. “No, it would only feel good to come for Helmut…”

“C’mon baby, just stop fighting it and come for me,” Bucky taunted, “squeeze me tight with that sweet little pussy; I know you need to so bad.”

He wasn’t wrong, but you blinked with teary eyes up at Helmut and wanted nothing more than to please him and make him proud of you. “Please, m-make him stop,” you begged, “I won’t be able to hold back anymore…”

“He’s not going to stop until he comes, lutka, and you need to stay strong,” he explained, his voice soothing you slightly. “You need to be my good girl. Can you do that?”

“Yes, sir,” you whispered.

Bucky held your hips tight as he pulled your body back onto his cock, and you forced your eyes shut to try to focus on not coming. No other man had made you come in your life but Helmut, and you had no intentions of breaking that streak.

“Think you can make me come before I make you come?” Bucky challenged.

“I have to,” you answered breathlessly. “And I want you to come… I wanna make you come so bad, Bucky, please…”

“Mhmm?” he encouraged.

“Please, I want it, please come for me,” you whimpered.

“Fuck, I will,” he promised darkly, fucking you even harder.

Helmut interjected a brief instruction: “Pull out.”

Bucky nodded a little, breathing heavily as you felt his cock throb slightly, especially at the base where each movement stretched you out even more. It was so beautifully erotic and you were tensing every muscle inside you to try not to come, which helped speed him up quite a bit since you were gripping him so tight.

“Fuck,” Bucky grunted, “fuck!”

He pulled out and instantly painted your back with a roar, sliding his cock over your ass as he pumped stream after stream of come onto you. You sighed happily, satisfied that you had managed to stave off orgasm with perhaps only a few seconds to spare— you’d never been so happy to make someone come before because this time it brought relief that you had done well for your Baron.

Then again, you always felt that way when you made the man himself come, but this was different because you had been moments away from failing him.

Speaking of the Baron, he stared down at you proudly the whole time, kneeling down slightly to swipe his finger through the cooling spend on your back and bring it to your open lips. “Mm, you really are my perfect little girl,” he mumbled as you sucked his finger diligently. But he turned his attention away from you to call out across the room, “Sam! It’s your turn.”

Your eyes went wide. “W-wait, Helmut, I’ll come!”

“No, you won’t,” he hissed, eyes darkening again, “because I told you not to.”

And Sam was already behind you, taking Bucky’s place who had already cleaned himself up a bit and returned to his seat, letting the Baron pour him a drink which he gulped down in one go.

When Sam pushed into the end of you, your natural instinct was to arch your back up to try to keep him from going too deep, but he growled and pushed your back down again with a strong hand that made you feel so small for a moment. “No, baby, no running away… you’re gonna take it all.”

“Yes, daddy,” you breathed, yelping a little when he roughly shoved in that last inch.

From then on, he went much harder on you than Bucky had, spanking you and gripping your ass while he fucked you, and the most embarrassing part was how much harder it made it to keep from coming. It was clear that he realized making you come would give him power over everyone else in the room for different reasons, and he was determined to gain that power.

“Does he fuck you this good, huh?” he groaned.

“He fucks me better,” you shot back right away, making Helmut chuckle slightly.

“If your plan is to make her switch allegiances, you’ll have to do better than that,” Helmut taunted, and Sam doubled his efforts as one hand pinched your clit and the other groped your breast. You almost lost it right there but managed to pull yourself together, your whole body shaking with the effort to keep the pleasure at bay.

“Well, if he can fuck you better then why doesn’t he?” Sam continued his leading questions, even though you could barely keep up a conversation at this point. “Why does he keep pimping you out to us if he’s fucking you right all on his own?”

“Don’t you understand?” you breathed, your head falling down onto the bed as you were almost able to look back enough to see his face. “This is my punishment. He knows I don’t want anyone else; that’s why you’re here.”

Sam smiled, perhaps in pity, and yet you honestly had to close your eyes because his smile was so lovely that it could’ve brought an end to your restraint. “Poor thing, he’s really got you whipped. I… still can’t believe I’m doing this, but you feel too good to stop now.”

He yanked your head back by your hair for emphasis, making you yelp as he fucked you brutally. Your toes curled and your fingers dug into the sheets, and you had to close your eyes because the way Helmut was staring at you made this all much too difficult. Maybe it was just that he didn’t seem jealous at all, or angry; but he didn’t seem like he was getting any excess pleasure out of this, either. It was… almost neutral, but something burned behind his eyes brighter than maybe you’d ever seen it, his legs crossed and his fingers interlaced as he waited for you to either hold or break.

With the top half of your body fallen limply onto the bed, you reached out above your head and felt Helmut’s hand grab yours, squeezing slightly, and it helped keep you grounded as you held his fingers.

“Oh fuck, ‘m gonna come,” Sam groaned out his warning, “gonna cover this pretty ass in my come, you want that?”

“Yes, please,” you shuddered.

“Keep begging for it,” he demanded, rushing his words as you felt his cock start to throb against your walls with his impending orgasm.

“Please come, please come, please come on me, Sam, please,” you chanted, over and over, struggling not to come and hoping that if you could speed him up, then you could make it.

He grunted through his teeth as hot ropes of seed covered your ass; though your body was left wanting, dangling on the edge so close to your release, your mind was satisfied that you had managed to follow your Baron’s rules.

Sam stepped back to admire his work, finding another spare robe to cover himself with as he rejoined the other men across the room.

“Would you like a drink as well?” Helmut offered to Sam, unfortunately letting go of your hand in the process. Sam was still catching his breath, running his hands over his short hair as if he was processing everything.

“No, but are those cigars up for grabs?” Sam replied, pointing to the ornate box propped open, and Helmut nodded.

“Of course; what’s mine is yours,” he answered, presenting the box and lighter to him.

“Yeah, you can say that again,” Sam added flatly, the three of them all looking at where you were sitting, covered in come and waiting patiently for your next command.

Just as you feared they’d all have their cigars and whiskey and ignore you completely, your Baron knelt down to look at you face-to-face, smiling proudly.

“You did so good for me, darling,” he cooed, and your insides clenched as if you could come just from hearing that. “You don't think I'm horribly cruel, do you?"

"No, sir," you smiled weakly.

“I’ll be right back,” he promised with a kiss to the tip of your nose as he stepped away to the master bathroom.

You glanced at the other men— Bucky with his crystal glass of whiskey, Sam puffing at the cigar stoically— and wondered what, if anything, you could possibly say.

“So, how’s your weekend been so far?” Sam asked you plainly, breaking the silence.

“It’s only Friday night,” you realized, sighing as you tried not to imagine how much debauchery the Baron had in store for you. Right now you were so exhausted that it sounded like too much work; and you were so desperate only for Helmut that the idea of anybody else being involved intimidated you.

Helmut returned quickly with a washcloth, sitting beside you on the bed and placing it gently on your back.

“As pretty as you look covered in come, I’d rather not make too much of a mess,” Helmut explained as he wiped you down with the damp cloth, your skin tingling and your body crying out for more of his touch.

“Will you fuck me, sir?” you mumbled, somewhere between an honest question and a desperate plea.

“Yes, I will,” he answered, making you hum happily, “and I’m finally going to let you come.”

You bit down on your lip, trying not to moan just from hearing that.

“But I’m not going to let you stop.”

The lump in your throat was impossible to swallow, but you tried anyway as he tossed the rag away and circled the bed, standing behind where you were laying limply. He grabbed you by your ankles and pulled you down to where he needed you, covering your body with his as he kissed the back of your neck slowly.

“I bet you’ll come the moment I’m inside you, draga,” he whispered. You nodded in agreement, gasping a bit as you felt his cock teasing your swollen, sore pussy. Just the tip bumping into your clit was enough to make you think you could come right there, you’d been on the edge so long.

But then he pushed into you in one stroke, not rough yet enough to reignite the soreness of being filled by two men already, and your walls started to pulse around him. A million words swirled in your mind, words about how perfect he felt and how you’d missed him so much and how no one could fuck you like he could, but none of them made it to your mouth where you could only moan loudly.

He wrapped his arms around you, he kissed everywhere he could reach, and waves of pleasure washed over you until tears filled your eyes. You lost count immediately, coming on his cock over and over as you became a limp, whimpering mess right away.

“You two really did miss out,” Helmut taunted the other men between his own moans, “it feels so fucking amazing to be inside her when she comes. She gets tighter every time… blyat, so tight I can hardly control myself.”

It was already hot to hear him speak to you like that in these moments, but for him to speak to someone else, to keep you from forgetting that you weren’t alone and that these men had just fucked you and were watching you come right now? You hadn’t even imagined before what that would be like.

“Please, please, sir, please,” you chanted, your voice breaking until you could barely whisper.

“What is it that you want, lutka? Do you even know what you’re begging for anymore?”

“I want whatever you want, sir, please,” you cried. He reached around your body to rub your throbbing clit, and you all but screamed.

“I know you do, beautiful, I know,” he breathed, kissing your back and shoulder tenderly to calm you. “I love you so much, draga, you know that, don’t you?”

“Yes, I love you too, Helmut,” you whispered, “more than anything. I love being yours.”

“Aw,” you heard Bucky briefly sigh.

“Dude, shut up,” Sam corrected him harshly.

“It’s sweet!” Bucky defended.

“It’s weird; this is all so weird,” Sam frowned.

“You didn’t seem to mind before…” Bucky trailed off.

Two of Helmut’s fingers swiped over your open lips and you immediately sucked them into your mouth with a satisfied hum, the taste of his skin always comforting you. When he rolled you onto your side, it was so much easier for him to touch you wherever he wanted and it only did more to keep you overwhelmed with pleasure until you worried you couldn’t take much more. But you kept sucking his fingers, tears still falling which he occasionally kissed away, until he took his hand away to wrap around your neck instead. You nodded a little to let him know it was okay to choke you, and your loud moans fell to sudden silence when he tightened his grip.

It made your eyes roll back, it made your walls flutter and your toes start to go numb, it made you wonder if you were going to pass out whether or not he let you breathe again because your body was already ready to give in.

You sucked in a gasp when he let go, sobbing his name as a particularly deep thrust knocked you right into your peak again. He kept one hand on your neck as the other reached between your legs to play with your abused pussy as he fucked it harder than ever.

“I can’t come anymore,” you assured, shaking your head and trying to push his hand away from your sore clit. “I— I can’t…”

“Yes, you can, draga, I know you can. Just relax and let me keep making you feel good,” he instructed, somehow both gentle and demanding all at once.

“I… I can’t…” you breathed, nearly incomprehensible between thick sobs, but you were already coming again in spite of your words, shocks of pleasure electrifying your body from the inside out. He choked you out into silence again, praising you all the way through it.

“There you go, shh, it’s all right,” he soothed, “you’re so beautiful, darling, so good for me, just keep going…”

You reached back to lace your fingers into his hair and tug, which did nothing to deter him from kissing your neck just beneath where his thumb gripped it, same as your hand wrapped tightly around his wrist didn’t stop him from quickly rubbing your clit.

Breath filled your lungs when he let go, and you were so desperate for relief that you felt like you weren’t even in control of your words anymore.

"Please come inside me," you begged mindlessly, "please, I need you so bad, please…"

“Is that what you need?” he groaned. “You need to be full of my seed?”

“Yes, please, want it deep in me— fuck, Helmut, please!”

He growled and bit your ear lightly, mumbling his promise to fill you up in Sokovian— sometimes you thought he spoke Sokovian when he was about to come because he was so distracted that he forgot English, but you didn’t think that at the moment because you were currently too cockdrunk to think about anything.

His low moan echoed right through your body as you felt his cock flex and throb with each pump of come, just as deep as you’d wanted, and you sighed happily at the familiar feeling, finally relaxing into the mattress.

But perhaps you relaxed a little too soon because he made you come one more time after he’d filled you, whispering something about he wanted to use your pussy to milk every drop from his cock, but after that finally he pulled out, and you collapsed face-down onto the bed, ready to pass out even though the sun was only just beginning to set and you’d slept until noon earlier.

“Well, I think we sufficiently knocked her out,” Sam chuckled.

“‘We’?” Helmut repeated, sounding a bit offended yet bemused as he redressed.

“Okay fine, you did most of the heavy lifting, but only cause you wouldn’t let her come for us,” Sam relented with a frown.

“I swear, I was this close to getting her to break,” Bucky interjected, sighing before taking another slow sip of his (third) drink.

“Yeah, what would’ve happened if one of us made her come, anyway?” Sam wondered aloud. “She seemed pretty worried about whatever punishment you had in store for her.”

“Nothing too terrible,” Helmut shrugged, “I just would’ve fucked her in the ass.”

Bucky choked on his whiskey as Sam tried and failed to suppress a smirk.

“She lets you do that?!” Bucky blurted out between fits of coughing.

“She lets me do whatever I want,” Helmut replied, “I’m surprised that hasn’t become abundantly clear to you by now.”

“I guess we’re still adjusting to it, that’s all,” Sam explained. “I don’t know about you,” he looked at Bucky, “but this is new for me.”

“I was born in 1917; everything is new for me,” Bucky frowned.

“Well, this is new for us too,” Helmut assured, “especially her, she was so inexperienced when she met me…”

He paused for a moment to reminisce before glancing at you lying prone on the bed and looked totally fucked-out.

“But look at her now!” he finished. “She takes it all in stride.”

“Yeah, she’s a trooper alright,” Sam agreed. “Be careful with her, Zemo, ‘cause I think if you hurt her too bad, Bucky here is gonna be waiting in the wings to steal her.”

“I— what?!” Bucky snorted defensively.

“Don’t think we can’t see you giving her googly eyes, not that I blame you or anything… getting deepthroated for the first time will definitely make you catch feelings,” Sam smirked before taking a puff of the cigar again.

“It’s not like that, I’m just… listen, I guess I’m just a bit more conventional than you perverts,” he frowned. “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or anything, I just can’t imagine having a girl like that all to myself and letting anybody else lay a finger on her.”

“Not everyone is as insecure as you, James,” Helmut shrugged. “Women can’t be stolen. They can only go where they want to. And she wants to be with me.”

He turned back to ask you if you agreed, but you were already fast asleep. Smiling slightly, he grabbed a blanket from the foot of the bed and unfolded it to drape over you; you instinctively cuddled up under it without waking up, letting out a quiet sigh.

“Goodnight, draga,” he whispered with a kiss to your forehead. “Rest well, you’ll need it for the morning.”

#baron zemo x reader #helmut zemo x reader #bucky barnes x reader #sam wilson x reader #helmut zemo smut #bucky barnes smut #sam wilson smut

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londonalozzy · 4 years ago

Text

Stop Pretending (TFATWS)

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Genre: Romance, Angst

Summary: The reader thinks she's doing a stellar job of keeping her feelings for a certain soldier buried deep inside. Turns out, all it takes is an observant new friend to begin the unraveling of her most precious secret (Spoilers for TFATWS)

Masterlist

Word: Pretence

Definition: A way of acting that is intended to deceive people.

Example: Saying that he's just a friend when he's really the love of your life.

Your POV

Being caught in the midst of war is something that I, (Y/N) (Y/L/N) know all too well. As a war vet, former shield agent, and now Avenger I'm used to being centered amongst conflict. When the fight begins within me though, a battle between what I want and what I think is right, how will I react? Will I listen to my heart, my head, or will the winner be chosen for me?

Delacroix, Louisiana.....

I love my sleep, always have, always will. It's not necessarily the comfort of the bed, the quiet or even the rest. It's the fact that I'm at peace when I sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, so anything that will put that off for as long as possible I savor.

I wish it were the same for a certain super soldier in my life. I look forward to going to bed, everything calms down then, and for most people it's the same. For Bucky however, it's when everything starts, the nightmares, the terrors, the seemingly unending darkness. If only I could take his pain away like he has with mine.

For the last few weeks, my life had, for want of a better word, been hectic. Hectic to say the least.

After the eventual defeat of Thanos and the loses we endured as a result, I thought naively that life might calm down a bit, that I'd have time to breathe, to live. How wrong I was.

It all began with John Walker being announced to the world as the new Captain America.

I was baking cookies with Morgan in the Stark family kitchen when it came over the radio. As that latest turn of events sunk in, my first thoughts were of Bucky, what that would do to him. Not even an hour later I had said my goodbyes and was on my way to help him get the shield back.

Since then even more had happened. We'd regrouped with Sam, busted Zemo out of prison which in turn ruffled the feathers of Ayo and the Dora Milaje. We came face to face with Morgenthou and the Flag Smashers, and finally witnessed the man who thought he could even compete with Steve, make himself judge, jury and most significantly executioner.

After that went around the world we knew we had to end it sooner rather than later. It couldn't get much worse than Captain America becoming a murderer. We got the shield back, which was a fight all in itself. Handed Zemo over to Ayo, to try and recompense for the distrust we'd instilled in the people who'd helped us so much. Then we travelled to stay with Sam and his family in Louisiana whilst we waited for Karli's next move.

This is where we found ourselves now, in the eye of it, the calm before the storm.

Waking up in the Wilson households guest room, I was greeted to the golden hue of the rising sun penetrating through the single glaze windows, and the melodic sounds of gulls on the hunt for their morning meal down by the docks.

Actually, no that's not right. What I could hear was most certainly not birds, and it was definitely not melodic. What were those boys doing?

Quickly and quietly I threw on the first clothes I could get my hands on and made my way downstairs towards the noise. What caught my attention when I discovered the source, was not the two youngest Wilson boys playing with our newly reacquired shield in the living room, but the super solider who was blissfully ignorant to it all, sleeping peacefully on the couch in front of them. I don't think I'd ever been so happy.

"Right you two, if you're determined to play Avengers all morning then I suggest you re-assemble in the back yard. You're gonna wake Bucky up," I whispered out in one breath, stepping between the boys, then placing my hands on their backs and tip toeing them towards the door.

"So what if we wake him up? It's gone 10am," Cass questioned in protest, pulling on his sneakers and jacket.

"Exactly! Which is why if you do as I say, I will make you the biggest plate of waffles for breakfast that you've ever seen."

The boys eyes lit up. "Can we have ice cream with it? Mum never lets us have ice cream for breakfast, and I'm sure there's a tub of Stark raving hazelnuts in the freezer," AJ clapped in muted excitement. "Oh, for God's sake.....Yes. You can have whatever you want if you get out of this house now and keep the noise down."

Once the boys were outside, I made my way over to the kitchen, stopping on the way to lean over my favourite senior citizen and make sure that he was still peaceful in his slumber. He'd never looked so relaxed, so at ease. It was a brand new Bucky I'd never seen before, a Bucky that had my heart pounding for him even more than it normally did. Not that he knew any of that.

Half an hour later and up to my elbows in waffle mix, I failed to notice my new friend and host Sarah making her way to my side at the counter, the huge smile on my face not going unnoticed. "What's got you grinning like the Cheshire cat, like I need to ask?"

"Bucky's sleeping. Isn't it amazing?" I spoke softly, bouncing up and down on my feet as I did so.

"And why is that?" She couldn't looked more confused if she tried.

"In all the years I've known him, I don't think I've ever woken up before he has. If his nightmares don't keep him awake all night, they normally have him up before the crack of dawn. I don't think I've ever seen him so still."

"Good answer," Sarah nodded in a hush, understanding why this meant so much to me, but not done yet with her morning interrogations, "Now on to my next question......"

"I'm already not liking the sound of this."

"Sleeping Beauty over there follows you around like a little puppy dog. He hangs on your every word, looks at you like you hung the stars or something. It's pretty obvious how crazy he is about you, so when are you gonna stop pretending that you're not head over heels in love with him?"

"I don't know what you're talking about Wilson," I smiled forcefully, making out like the waffle maker deserved my attention way more than the conversation I was being made to have.

This was all Sam's doing, without a shadow of a doubt. He'd tried to have this conversation with me on multiple occasions and I shut him down every time. He obviously hadn't given up like I thought he did, and decided to draft in his sister. He is seriously gonna regret it when I find him.

"Sure you know what I'm talking about. Sam sees it, I don't even know you that well and I see it. The only reason Bucky doesn't, is because he doesn't believe he could ever be that lucky. You're a smitten kitten." These Wilson's are all as annoying as each other.

Knowing I wasn't getting out of this one, I grabbed Sarah by the arm and pulled her right into the corner of the room, trying my best to keep this convo as private as possible. "Look, I'm not pretending.....I'm ignoring. There's a difference."

"Care to explain what that difference is?" Sarah spoke softly, but with a sarcastic air.

Turning to look over my shoulder at the subject of our conversation, making sure he was still safely in the land of nod, I decided to just be honest. Sarah was much like her brother. Once she wanted to get to the bottom of something she wasn't about to give up.

"I love Bucky, more than I've ever loved anyone...and that terrifies me," the rawness of finally being honest making my voice shake, and tears come to my eyes. "Nat was like my sister, and she's dead. Tony was the closest I've ever gotten to having a Dad...and he's dead too. Then there's Steve, Vision, God knows where Wanda is....Everyone I love, either leaves or dies. If I admit my feelings for Buck then I face the risk of losing him too."

"Do you have any idea how crazy you sound right now? He's not going to die because you love him (Y/N)."

Silent tears were falling now. I was revealing my deepest fears to a woman I'd only known a few days, and I'm not underplaying it when I say it was like a colossal weight off my chest, a release I didn't know I needed. "Believe me...I know, but I can't take that risk. I can't lose anyone else, especially not him."

"Let's just say for a second that you're right, that there is some higher power somewhere, set on destroying everyone you love. Do you really think ignoring your feelings is going to make them disappear?" I didn't know what to say to that. "Natasha and Stark died so that everyone could continue living, and (Y/N) you're not living as long as you keep this to yourself. They wouldn't want that for you."

"But what if I lose him?" I whispered with a choked sigh.

"Then at least he'll die knowing how you felt about him. After everything he's been through don't you think he deserves to know there's someone out there who loves him like you do?"

"Of course..."

Sarah's lips pulled upwards in a satisfied smirk, wrapping her arm around my shoulder and giving it a comforting squeeze, "then you owe it to yourself, and to him, to tell him the truth."

"Why do all you Wilson's have to be so clever?" I voiced in mock irritation, pushing her away from me and acting like I was annoyed she had gotten one up on me.

"I don't know," she thought aloud and with a cheeky grin, grabbing a plate to start piling on the long forgotten waffles, "I think it might be the sea air or something."

"Nah, it's in the genes," I chuckled quietly, grabbing my jacket and deciding it was time to get this conversation wrapped up. "I'll go find Sam and the boys for breakfast. Clear my head a little bit."

"You promise you're gonna tell him?" Sarah stopped me as I went to push the door open.

"I'll think about it."

3rd person POV

Once (Y/N) was out of ear shot, Sarah couldn't help but start jumping up and down in excitement, clapping her hands loudly as she did so. That went even better than she thought it would, and she was so proud of herself. Sarah Wilson could now add matchmaker to her resume.

"Coast is clear Barnes. You can open your eyes now."

(Y/N) had no idea what she had metaphorically walked into just minutes earlier, entering that very revealing conversation with her overly inquisitive host.

What drew Sarah to come down that morning was the sounds of both the front porch door opening and the smell of homemade waffles wafting up the stairs. As she entered the kitchen she was met with two sights. One being (Y/N), facing the counter and looking very smiley, the other being a wide awake super soldier who was just laying on the couch and staring at her, the sole object of his affection. Sarah could work with this.

Every time (Y/N) turned back in his direction, Bucky would close his eyes and pretend to be asleep again. He had never slept so soundly, so peacefully, thoughts of (Y/N) and his new friends filling his nightmare free dreams.

He'd initially woken to (Y/N) ushering the boys outside because she was afraid they would wake him up. He didn't want to disappoint her by proving her right. Besides, he liked just watching her move around the kitchen, completely unaware he was observing her the whole time. He had no idea about the conversation that was just about to happen.

After (Y/N) had left and Sarah had confirmed so, Bucky sat himself up, his body shaking with adrenaline and a look of complete shock fixed on his face. Had he definitely woken up, or had the whole thing been a part of his dream? Did (Y/N) seriously just admit that she was in love with him?

Bucky didn't know how to react, didn't know what to say as he looked up at a smug Sarah from his spot. All he'd ever wanted was for (Y/N) to feel the same way about him as he did about her. Now he knew that she did.

"You're welcome by the way."

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fawnandshadows · 3 years ago

Note

Hi again!! Garden anon again! Here to say that our Elriel conversations make my day and I never want them to stop! 🥰

I love the idea of a garden hat with a bow below her chin 👒 and her getting frustrated when it was out of place and she’d try to fix it and accidentally get a little mud on her chin from when she was planting flowers. But she didn’t know and Azriel would see it and stare at her with a funny look in his eyes and she’d be so clueless😭✋

Please miss, tell us Azriel’s POV on this so I can sleep peacefully 🥺

Yours truly- garden anon

Hi Garden Anon!! I love these convos, so keep them coming!!! 🥰

Elain has the best hat collection — I know it, she told me herself! And Azriel definitely has a favorite cough one with a cobalt ribbon cough and imagines what it would be like to slowly untie the ribbon and watch as the cobalt moves across her skin, and then he imagines pressing little kisses there too.

He imagines what it would be like to take off her little straw hat and watch all of her golden curls tumble down and frame her face — he loves seeing her like that because she looks so wild, especially when she has a little but of dirt on her.

Azriel also thinks she looks adorable when her gardening hats are just slightly out of place. Because she uses the back of her arm to wipe sweat off of her brow, and every once in a while she'll knock into her hat which annoys her because she has to retie the ribbon, and she's had to replace so many ribbons already because they keep getting dirty.

So, Azriel definitely joins Elain in the garden for some rest and relaxation, and I like to think that he brings her some lemonade/iced tea/water because she gets thirsty. And on more than one occasion he walks in on her having a fight with her hat, trying to get it in the exact right position, but she's too annoyed to really do it correctly. Her movements are a little too jerky and she's a little too hot and she can't undo the previous knot, no matter how hard she pulls. After watching her for a few moments Azriel decides to help her, and while he's calm on the outside he's all nervous energy on the inside because he's finally undoing the ribbon that has been teasing him for so long — and he is imagining undoing so other parts of her clothing — and he's talking to her in a low, relaxing voice the entire time. Trying not to think about how close they are, or how his fingers keep brushing her soft skin, or how her scent is slowly turning into something headier. Somehow his fingers are steady as they reach up to readjust her hat, he's careful not to snag any of her hairs, and when he is retying the not he s doing it so slowly because he just wants to make the moment last.

It ends, of course. And then he invites her to the little bistro table, and he's ignoring the way his palms are sweaty and the way his throat is dry and parched. And they have their refreshments, but this time it's different. There's a little tension there because they don't quite know what just happened, but they both liked it and suddenly Elain wears that hat more and more despite the way the ribbon always knots itself, and soon she doesn't even try to unknot it because it just because second nature for Azriel to untie it the second he see's her.

hehehe I hope you liked this one Garden Anon!! <3

#anon #garden anon #brb i have to buy some hats for an entirely unrelated reason

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blueprint-han · 4 years ago

Text

midnight walk — bang chan.

— “I have to go back to the dorms, and so do you.”

— “in which you and chan walk through a park during midnight to catch up on some much needed alone time, and you’re prominently reminded of how much you love him, and he does too.”

pairing: chan x (gn) reader

word count: 3 k

genre: fluff, boyfriend au, idolverse au (though not very prominent throughout the fic)

⇥ warnings: none, very self indulgent making out but nothing sexual, just kissing. minimal dialogue, kissing in public even though there’s no people around, also this situation is just for fictional purposes okay, I am not encouraging any acts of pda that takes place here between idols or anyone (quite frankly i have no idea about it’s legality, but as I said, it’s fictional), it’s just for entertainment purposes. Please take it as such. Also this park is huge and Chan and Y/N walk pretty slowly, and they’re from different companies.

type: drabble.

⇥ disclaimer: This fic does not intend to represent the actions of the real Bang Chan in any way, shape of form, nor does it intend to represent JYPE. Events are pure fiction, please take them as such.

note — Something soft because I wanted to write. This idea was brought up in a convo between me and ella and it was originally for han but then I wrote it for chan because i need my comfort kpop boy right now. Also @meiiyue. I hope this is not shit but i have no idea haha. Please, please leave feedback. Not edited, please excuse grammatical errors and typos. I;m sorry is this is trash, I really haven’t written seriously in a while ;-;

The air over here is way too moist.

So much so that you can feel beads of sweat litter the top of your brow the moment it’s been five minutes since you’ve arrived. You suppose you can’t complain when you and Chan made up the plan to meet immediately after a heavy downpour — you loved the smell of rain and he wanted to see you — it was a win-win situation.

But where is he?

You wipe your forehead with the back of your sleeve, clutching your umbrella tightly in one hand while simultaneously going through your phone with the other. Your surroundings are calm, quiet, peaceful, exactly what you need to delve into your own thoughts and relax from the actual week you’d gone through. You can feel the tension in your shoulders, very very slowly, seep away as a blanket of mental peace is wrapped around your shoulders. As nice as it feels to be alone in this quiet place, all you want right now, is to hold your boyfriend’s hand and revel in nature.

You make a “tsk” noise, brushing the hair stuck to your face before scrolling through your contacts. You’re about to click on the one that says “channieeee <3″ when you feel hands — warm hands, grab at your shoulders from behind, and you shriek at the sudden shock that overcomes you. Owing to it being very quiet in this park, you slam a hand over your mouth, turning around to see the only person you were waiting for this whole time, albeit not this way.

“What do you think you’re doing?” You frown, though a small smile does pull at your lips when your eyes meet his warm brown ones.

“I was letting you know of my presence?”

“By sneaking behind me and giving me a heart attack?”

“I was going to give you a back-hug—” Chan points out, waking around the bench to sit down next to you, not needing to ask at all. “—but then you screamed and I had to revoke it.”

A part of you wishes that had happened — as terrifying as that encounter was, Chan gives great hugs. One of a kind. It’s almost like every time his hands wrap around your waist or shoulders, every inch of stress, thoughts melt away, leaving you in a calm state of bliss. That’s what Chan’s hugs are — pure bliss and honestly, your escape.

You give yourself a second to analyze his sharp features. Soft eyes, delicate smile, the pale, soft skin on his cheek so inviting. In this place where you and Chan are together, all you want to do is crawl into his arms, let go of the barrier that surrounds you and just be... yourself. You want to cup his cheeks and kiss him, just like you do whenever you meet up in secret.

But there’s more secrecy and hiding involved in an idol’s life.

“Yeah, yeah.” You say, fixing your mask properly over your nose before standing from your place. “You know better than to revoke my hugs, Christopher.”

Chan chuckles in endearment. You only call him Christopher when you’re unsure of your own statement, and it’s evident in the way your words end like you’re questioning him. Chan’s waiting for the “...right?” that should be following soon, but, oh well. He knows himself that denying you isn’t something his heart would allow, especially not when you look at him like that.

Eyes gleaming under the dim lights of the park at midnight, a soft, almost unseen smile that only he’s allowed to see adorning your lips, and soft, unspoken words hanging heavy in the air. You didn’t even have to tell him you missed him, or that you wished to be in his arms again, because the connection between the both of you was on a whole other level — he could read all your emotions, just from looking into your eyes.

“Can’t deny that, can I?” He says, getting up from his seat before smoothing his shirt, while you put your phone into your pouch and fix your coat. Then, his hands silently seek your own, lacing his fingers with your own as warmth spreads through your chest. His hand feels soft, even more so than the last time you met him. In a silent want to hold him close to you, you tighten your grip as you smile at him and he reflects it back.

You walk around the path slowly, each step lingering against the mossy ground for a good second before moving on to the other. It’s so, so calming. The cold, moist winds refreshingly cool against your skin now that you’re not sitting idle in one place, the darkness in the park oddly calming. There’s the slight chirping of insects that resounds through the space like gentle music, and eventually, you feel yourself relax as you take in your surroundings.

“So, how was your week?” You ask, feeling yourself blush when you silently lean your head against your shoulder whilst walking, a soft chuckle leaving his lips as he snakes an arm around your waist, sending shivers up your spine when he gently smooths the fabric of your coat with his thumb.

“Stressful, honestly.” The both of you turn around the corner without second thought. You’ve done this so many times, it’s like your bodies are being pulled to the place you wish so hard to be in right now. You missed him. You missed him so, so much. You can see the stress lines on his forehead and the darkness around his eyes, almost sure that he isn’t getting enough sleep either. After a long pause where you take in his words, he murmurs silently. “Missed you during the shoot.”

“Awh darling,” You coo, pressing a soft kiss onto his shoulder, and even though he doesn’t feel it through his own coat, Chan can feel himself smile affectionately. Every tiny gesture you provide is just so... attracting. Comforting. Be it lacing your fingers through his hair and stroking gently to lull him into sleep or just a hand against his thigh, a soft whisper of an “I’m here” when his stress gets the best of him and he’s clinging desperately onto your shirt, fluttering of your lips all over his face the occasional time you wake up together, or just this — walking through a park at midnight because it’s hard to meet up when you’re both popular idols, hand in hand with almost no words spoken. Everything about you is just so... beautiful. “Did you eat and drink well this week?”

“I did. You wouldn’t stop texting me every day, remember?” Chan laughs, the kind that makes your heart flutter and do backflips.

“It’s very necessary. We both know you're total ass at taking breaks.”

“Hey!” Chan pouts, almost offended at your statement. “I’m trying, okay?” He then smiles, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head, inhaling the fruity scent of your shampoo. “Besides, I have an amazing girlfriend to remind me, am I right?”

“Yeah yeah.” You brush him off, feeling the light grow darker in a particular section of the path, and that’s when you know you’ve reached the place you’ve been walking towards. There’s a bench placed in this place too — it’s the perfect spot for hidden conversations and maybe, kisses, because the chicken wire is completely hidden by trees, making this spot invisible from the outside.

“There it is.” You point out and Chan follows in pursuit, dusting the seat off for you slightly. Once you’ve sat down, you feel your cheeks burn, because the events that take place once the both of you find this spot has been engrained in your mind at this point. They’re the kind that get you flustered every time you see Chan in the JYP building the next day.

The chirping of insects is so much more intense here, yet you don’t even hear it when Chan puts an arm on your shoulder, gently sweeping his thumb against the material of your overcoat, a soft smile taking over his lips as your eyes lock.

A gush of wind then sweeps past you, the chill in the air higher over here than near the entrance. You lean into Chan and he gets the idea immediately, pulling his coat over the both of you as you snuggle into his shoulder. He’s warm, so warm, so cozy, all you want to do is melt into his embrace and stay. Stay locked in this position you’ve grown accustomed to and found yourself in many times, with the gentle murmur of wind and chirping resounding all around you, almost like you’re trapped in utopia. You want to stay right here, but unfortunately, time runs fast.

“It’s cold.” He comments, and you let the words settle into the air.

“You’re warm.”

At that, Chan feels his smile widen genuinely, his grip on your shoulders tightening just the slightest before he trails up to tangle his fingers with your hair. You feel yourself tense before melting further, lifting your head up to look into his eyes, and my gosh, you can see the whole galaxy in them. His eyes are more sparkly, more lustrous than the clear night sky that lies above him, though the combined visual is truly enough to take your breath away.

“Always for you.”

One second, you feel his hand gently hold your chin and tip your head up, and the next, he leans to press his lips to your own. A mixture of warmth, fuzziness and nervousness bubbles inside you, mostly because you’re suddenly aware of the fact that you’re in the park — pitch black with dim lighting, yes, but still a public space.

Well, blame it on you for telling your partner you wanted thrill in your life when you were on your first date. It wasn’t a regular occurrence when you and Chan had the idea of meeting up at the park every Saturday midnight, kissing each other at midnight in a park where the trees were barely covering the partitions. Quite frankly, you have no idea when this whole thing started, all you know is that it became quite a frequent occurrence to go home with your cheeks feeling warm and your thumbs fidding with the collar of your shirt.

Your hands stay frozen on your lap and your brain fills with white noise. His lips feel so, so soft against your own as you basically melt against him. You can feel your knees go weak even though you’re sitting down, and Chan’s hands immediately grip your arms as though to cage you from your surroundings. Being in his arms seems like a whole other world to you. They surround you like that warm whiff of air when you get back home after a cold day at work, lock you against his body and protect you against any negativity that may threaten to look your way. Being in his arms, you feel like you’re in a cage you never want to get out from. A cage in which you are complete, you are content, you are loved.

And so, you gently press your palm to his cheek, running his thumb against the high end of his cheekbone, humming when you feel the soft skin underneath. His lips linger against your own for two seconds before he pulls away, feeling your delicate touch against his cheek. Then, he slowly turns to brush his lips against your palm, leaving a soft kiss there, and my god, you feel like your heart is gonna beat out of your chest. It’s too much for you to handle, his gestures are too sweet, to loving for you to not turn into a flustered mess.

He leans in once again, and this time, you cup his cheeks, pulling him closer until your lips meet and move in a synchrony of pure bliss. The hum he lets out is your favorite kind of music, it always build up the want for you to hear more. It’s just a pure expression of love that the both of you share, erasing every memory of anything else except each other. You love him, he loves you. That is all, and that is enough.

You never really knew that the man who wore his heart on his sleeve would end up meaning so much to you, but now that he’s yours, you never want to let him go.

It seems very practiced, owing to the countless times you’ve done this before, yet making your heart flutter all the same when the words “I love you” leave his lips in a hushed whisper. Only you’re allowed to hear those words, that tone, that beaming smile that pulls at his lips when his eyes meet your own even in this darkness. Even in this darkness, he thinks you look absolutely stunning, and all he wants to do is tell you how much he loves you over and over again. Well, that’s love. And love is an amazing thing to experience, you can say for sure.

You let yourself smile into the kiss before leaving a quick peck and pulling away, feeling him do the same before opening his eyes and gazing at your features. You shyly look to the side, noticing the leaves that sway gently where the gentle wind hits them.

Even though the atmosphere is cold, you feel fuzzy and warm when Chan giggles, sparing a quick look to his watch before intertwining your fingers with his.

“Come on, we have some time before leaving, we can play on the swings.”

Oh, he knows the child in you too well.

When you’re done swinging the swings and collecting some flowers that seem fresh, you circle the route of of the park and back to the entrance, it’s already one in the morning. Most — especially your group members — would argue that the both of you should’ve been sleeping by now, owing to your hectic schedule that leaves you weary by the end of the day. But you tell them sometimes, just to get that one hour to spend with your lover, you’re willing to make the sacrifice — and seeing the loving, misty glint in your eyes, they understand.

“So, I guess... I’ll see you tomorrow?” Chan says, and you kick the air gently before pulling your mask over your face. Seeing you, he does the same.

“Yeah, you’ll be in your studio, right? I can drop by.”

“Yeah. So, um...” You and Chan can never seem to ever part ways once your quality time with each other comes to a halt, the both of you want to reach out and embrace, and never leave. You often wonder what lead to your silent life being plagued with the essence of love, but then you see Chan, and you smile when you realise the answer.

And so, as if trying to hold onto the moment, freeze time a bit, you turn to him and pull him into a hug. He immediately responds and wraps his arms around your shoulders, resting his head on your neck as you sway from side to side. The road is quiet with the occasional vehicle speeding past, but you pay no attention to it. All you feel is Chan’s welcoming arms, his familiar smell that clouds your senses and makes you feel relaxed than ever.

“I love you, so much.” You murmur, not even sure if he’s able to hear it, but he does. He always does.

“I love you too.”

At that, you try to pull away to look into his eyes one last time, but Chan doesn’t let you, pulling his arms tighter across you and holding you close.

You laugh. “Chan.”

“Yes?” He drags the word and smirks mischievously.

“I have to go back to the dorms, and so do you.” You remind. “It’s late.”

“Mmh, alright.” He says, straightening himself from the embrace but not quite letting go yet. “But give me one more kiss before you go.”

You raise an eyebrow before looking around. While the interior of the park does have trees and stuff to cover the walls, the entrance doesn’t, and that sparks some nervousness within you, though you aren’t exactly worried. You’ve gotten away with stuff like this before, when either of you gets clingy and wants that one last lingering moment before you go your separate ways.

You lean in slowly and he just stands there, waiting for you to kiss him with that smile that he just can’t contain when he looks at you. When you pull both your masks down and your lips meet, it’s only for one tiny peck. You then quickly pull away and pull your mask over your face again, and Chan, though giggling furiously at the way he can see you’ve gone a little warm at the action, does the same.

You then bid goodbye and walk your way back home, the warmth that lingers all over skin so, so soothing to your mind. It’s like someone took away all your worries, leaving you in a bubble of contentment. It’s almost surprising how in the grand scheme of things, one person could stumble into your way and completely take your breath away, all because of the word we call love. You’ve realised how love means so much to you after Chan entered your life, and you don’t seem to be changing that idea any time soon.

When you’re almost close to home, your phone dings with a message, with the sender id “channieeee <3″. Instantly, you click on the message.

channieeee <3: so channieeee <3: same time tomorrow? channieeee <3: pls 🥺👉🏻👈🏻 pls pls pls pls-

A dizzy, pure smile captures your expression, and so, not wanting to delay your plans to meet your lover again, you reply.

y/n: same time tomorrow, then 🥺💞 love you <3

*:･ﾟ✧ find the other fics here !

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writing-in-april · 4 years ago

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Woodland Adventures

Santiago ‘Pope’ Garcia x Female Reader

Summary: Santiago and Reader go on a camping trip to relax after everything that happened in South America.

A/N: Hey! This is my thirteenth fic for my 30 fics in 30 days for April!!!!!!! This is my first fic I’ve ever written for Santiago so I’m kinda excited 😆 he’s one of my favorites and it’s taken me a while to figure out what I wanted to write for him. I actually had this finished for a while and then there was a convo I had that made me change it because of that video of Oscar licking a knife- so I changed it lol 😂@writefightandflightclub I just couldn’t help myself 🙈 Feel free to drop me an ask about anything here!! Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy!

Warnings: 18+, Mentions of Santi struggling with PTSD, Smut, Dom!Santiago, Size kink, Knife kink, Masturbation, Unprotected sex, Outdoor sex

Main Masterlist Word Count: 2.4k

Everyone had their own ways of finding an outlet to escape to whenever times were tough, and even when they were good. Some would rather stay at home to curl up to watch television or read a book. Santiago had other ways of escaping, ones that were a bit more taxing and long.

He had dragged you out into the middle of nowhere to go camping in the woods. He had told you many times before that this was his favorite way to relax, saying that the fresh air breathed life back into his lungs. You weren’t going to complain though, after what had happened in South America you knew he needed it. You couldn’t deny that the scenery was gorgeous and he was right, the fresh air did make you feel like you could finally breathe again.

Santiago however, had been trying to test your ability to breathe this entire trip. Every morning he’d choose a different area of path in these woods to hike through, which would inevitably exhaust you. You weren’t necessarily surprised that your boyfriend, a veteran, was in much better shape than you. He still had to keep himself in somewhat great shape because of his current job working in private security.

Despite knowing all of that, you couldn’t help but bellyache and moan after a certain point each day, when your knees ache too much to go any further. You also preferred basking in the sweeping scenery that encompassed everywhere around you rather than walking right through it. It sounded like heaven to just stop and stare at the world around you, but this trip was for Santiago so you tried to not get him to stop unless you were exhausted. You’d ask on the next trip to sightsee more, you at least got to watch the sunrise and the morning dew get to form before you went out each day. And, you wanted to help Santiago in any possible way that you could, even if it did test your physical limits.

Today in particular was testing those limits, your forehead glistening with sweat that had begun to drip down the rest of your face. You kept trying to wipe the beads of sweat with a rag and force your knees to go just a touch further. When your knees began to buckle under the weight of the backpack, even with the light load, you knew you couldn’t go any further without potentially dropping to the ground.

It pained you to ask, as you had done this everyday you had gone out, but you absolutely could not go any further. Your energy was completely shot, not even your consideration for Santiago’s penchant for hiking could force you to take another step, “Santiago? C-can we go back? I’m not feeling good…”

Your words must have made him even more concerned than any time before as he had shot to your side immediately to help prop you up. You opened your mouth to say something else, but he quickly cut you off, “You don’t need to say anything else cariño, I’m taking you back to our tent.”

Somehow even though you both had taken the same exhausting path to get to this spot in the woods, Santiago still had enough energy to pick you up. He tapped your thigh twice, like he did whenever he asked you to jump to wrap your legs around his waist, which on a normal day happens when you want him to exhaust you. Almost immediately after you had jumped and he had you in his arms your eyes began to droop close out of sheer exhaustion.

——

When your eyes blinked open you groaned, then you moved a hand over your eyes to block out the sun that had peeked through the tent. Confusion was your next thought, wondering how you had gotten back to your tent and onto the cot to sleep. Santiago must have carried you all the way back to your tent and tucked you in so you could sleep. You slowly sat up with a groan, you were sore but now much more energetic as you must have gotten a few good hours of sleep.

Traipsing out of the tent you looked around the small camp you had both set up to find Santiago. When you turned your head to the right you found him, sitting on the ground sharpening small sticks with a hunting knife, most likely out of boredom. He must have felt his eyes on you as his head snapped up quickly, searching for whoever had been looking at him. He flashed you a small smile when he realized that it was only you, his hypervigilance had gotten worse again after coming back, along with his nightmares. But, seeing you and being with you made it all seem better.

You went over to sit next to him, your own back now to the same tree. He went back to work on the sticks he had been mindlessly sharpening, though this time he wasn’t silent as he now had company, “You had me worried for a while cariño, thought I had worn you out too much.”

“Nah- I was fine.” You joked to try to help lighten the mood and the unnecessary guilt he was feeling. He didn’t have an answer to your joke, just continuing to peel the bark of the sticks with the sharp metal. Turning to face him more you leaned forward to press a small kiss on his cheeks that were scratchy from his light stubble. You frowned a little when you still got no answer and decided to cup his face in your hands so he’d have to stop what he was doing to listen to you, “I’m fine, I promise. I was just tired- you did nothing wrong baby.”

He nodded his head in confirmation, his eyes slightly glistening because of the unnecessary guilt he was trying to let go. You then leaned forward to press another soft kiss on his forehead, mutual understanding now flowing in between you both without having to say it out loud. You didn’t know exactly what he was going through, some of the details were kept from you, but you’d be here with him through it all.

After you had both let yourselves be silent for a while, you spoke up and changed the course of the conversation, “What are you doing with those sticks?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “Just passing the time.”

“You could’ve hiked some more while I slept you know.”

What he said next made your heart swell and almost break, “I know, I wanted to make sure you were safe.” You knew he was trying his best after a horrible situation that had left him in pieces.

“Thank you, Santi. You always take good care of me, just remember I’m not fragile.” You did appreciate the gesture, only adding the last part at the end as a reminder. You pressed one last chaste kiss to his face in thanks, this time to his nose, before going back to your original position against the tree. He looked like he wanted to perhaps argue with you, but decided to accept your gratitude.

Santiago was soon testing your breathing in a different way than before, arousal creeping up inside of you as you watched him go back to destroying the sticks with his knife. Sometimes the way he did things reminded you of how strong he was, how easily it could be for him to break you. He cared about you so much to not want to break you, but you wanted to put your trust in him so he could hurt you in a way that felt good.

You wriggled a bit, causing Santi to look over at you for a second before going back to what he was doing. This was going to be the death of you, you were already soaking through your panties and soon it would be your shorts too. Deciding to test the waters once you were too turned on to ignore you snuck one of your hands down your shorts, discreetly unbuttoning them so you could continue to watch.

At first you just rubbed small circles into your clit to try to satiate some of the arousal coursing through your veins. It made some pleasure spark through you, biting your lip to make sure you didn’t make any noise. When you slipped your fingers to curl inside you was when it started to feel really good, pushing you close to an orgasm while you curled them upwards.

Your eyes slipped closed after a while of you staring at his hands while you played with yourself. You started to fantasize what Santiago might do to you with those hands, maybe he’d wrap them around your neck while he fucked you. An orgasm was fast approaching you, that was until you were cut off by Santiago speaking, “What are you doing?”

When you froze because of being caught your release that you had been close to achieving then abated. You answered in the most innocent voice you could muster up, “Nothing.”

“Get up and strip.” His tone told you that there was no room for you to argue, not that you really wanted him to anyway. Quickly you shucked off all your clothes, while Santiago stood up as well. All Santiago did was free his now hard cock from his cargo pants, not bothering to strip off any of his own clothes.

When you turned around to face him he instead grabbed hold of your shoulders, making you face the tree. Another order was then barked at you, “Bend over.”

You scrambled to bend over, only getting a few seconds to get comfortable in the position before he notched his cock at your entrance and began to sink inside you. Your walls stretched around his thick length as they always did because of how girth he was, but you were wet enough already that it was easier than usual.

His pace was rougher than usual once he worked himself all the way inside you. You weren’t going to question or complain though. It was exactly what you wanted, what you needed, and again you bit your lip hard to try to contain your moans.

“Don’t you dare hold back those pretty noises, Princesa, no one’s around to hear them.” Almost immediately you let out a moan that was so loud it might have bounced off the trees and echoed. He was right, if no one was around to hear it, the only people that would know how unrestrained you were letting your loud noises be, were you and Santi.

The bark bit into my hands harder as you gripped my fingers harder into the tree to try to keep yourself propped up. Everytime he thrusted into you, your eyes were tempted to roll back into your head. You tried to fight that urge because you couldn’t help but want to keep them fixed right on the hand that Santi was using as leverage for each of his deep thrusts inside you. In his hand he still held tight the hunting knife that he had been using.

You felt filthy being turned on by how he could do anything to you with that knife while you were small underneath him. Each time the front of his thighs hit the back of yours, his grip on your hip, and the one on the knife would get stronger. The veins in his hands became more prominent each time he strengthened his grip, making you think about what else he could do with his hands, and the knife. Your knees started to buckle when his cock brushed up against your sweet spot inside of you, but you kept your gaze strong.

Santi must have noticed at some point where you were looking, seeing what you couldn’t take your eyes off of. You figured out that he had noticed when he suddenly pulled out of you, turning you around roughly before speaking gruffly, “Did you like watching me with the knife? Hmm?”

You whimpered and nodded your head, admitting wordlessly your filthy desires. You already had felt small underneath him earlier while he took you from behind, but when he tapped your hip twice to signal you to jump you felt minuscule with his body crushing yours against the tree. The bark was now biting into all the skin on your back, though the slight stinging pain you felt was ignored when he sunk back inside you. This time he wasted no time in building up his pace, slamming his hips into yours with brutal efficiency.

You had almost forgotten about the knife that was still being held in one of his hands, until he brought it up back into your line of sight. Again, it was hard to keep your eyes focused on him as his cock railed into you, building your orgasm behind the scenes. Though, when he slowed his pace for a second so he could drag his tongue across the blade your drooping eyes snapped open, wide with astonishment. He then threw it to the side, landing somewhere in the pile of sticks he had cut apart and picked up his pace again.

“Can’t believe you trust me enough to have that knife so close to you.” He breathlessly spoke in disbelief, making you let out a moan which he again had no intentions of stifling, “Yeah, that’s right, moan while I use, Princesa.”

It wasn’t long before both of your releases hit hard. You tried to writhe and wriggle underneath him, but he had you trapped underneath him as he filled you. His broad shoulders did most of the work to pin you down as he finished letting you both ride out your highs.

When he began whispering sweet words into your neck laced with some obvious sadness, you were worried he might feel guilty for using the knife. He often treated you like glass, afraid to handle it roughly in case it shattered because of him. So, just to banish those thoughts swiftly you cupped his cheeks again after he had let you down, then giving him a similar reassurance as before, “I’m fine, I promise. I wanted you to do that. I promise I had a good time Santi.”

He ducked his head a little at your words, probably out of embarrassment that you had caught his guilty feelings swirling again. Mirroring his previous actions he nodded his head in confirmation, then wrapping his arms around you in an all encompassing hug. You whispered your own sweet words into his neck for a bit, without sadness, until you pulled him back in the direction of your tent, “Come on, let me clean up and then we can try to sleep. I’m tired, you wore me out again.”

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gallavictorious · 4 years ago

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11x01 Reaction Post

Random thoughts on and reactions to 11x01; no careful analysis or anything, just the bits and pieces that's not likely to make it into meta proper but which I still want to make note of so I can go back later and remember what my initial reaction to the episode was (since my impressions are likely to change as the season unfolds). Mostly Gallavich related, because duh, but there's disordered rambling on a bit of everything. Under a cut (God I miss LJ sometimes) because this got long.

Ian looks damned good as the homocidal muscle. I don't do AU:s, but if I did... On the other hand, Frank as a member of the Chicago “Eight” looks like a werewolf. Less interested in that AU. And listen, I get that they couldn't get Emmy Rossum for this, but I really miss Fiona showing up in a few random olden day pictures. She's gone, but she's still a Gallagher dammit! Carl at the slaughter house looked weird – and part of me thought that was appropriate because slightly off editing would be a sweet way of communicating that it's all bollocks, but the rest of shots looked okay (Debbie as a milk maid and Frank as the aforementioned werewolf) or good (everything else) so no.

The sound of a baby crying is a horror matched only by persistent lack of sleep so I feel for Lip and Tami so much. Here's to all parents who managed to get through the first year without murdering anybody! I think that maybe you don't get enough credit... I, for instance, want to kill someone just hearing Freddie cry in the background for half a minute. Not sure it bodes too well for their relationship for them to be so ready to spend every night apart like Lip suggests, but a, what wouldn't you do for a good night's sleep, and b, love the thought of Lip spending more time at the old house. Could see them breaking up during the course of the season, though. Not sure how I feel about that – Tami's my favourite out of Lip's love interests, but having too many of the couples staying together all through the finale wouldn't feel quite right (for Shameless) and I don't see them breaking up Ian and Mickey or Kev and V. Don't really expect Sandy or Debbie to last either, but since it's more of a casual thing it might have more of a casual end.

Do you remember when the promo dropped and there was Concern about That Look on Ian's face after he kisses Mickey, and I tag theorized about it being because Mickey stole his coffee? Turns out there wasn't really A Look in the actual episode, but I sure as hell was right about the coffee, and I want noted somewhere. Maybe there should also be a small diploma? A golden statue seems a little over the top, but I mean, if you insist...

I appreciate that Ian is very adament about it being their money but when Mickey thinks it's their breakfast it's suddenly every man for himself. Do you share or not, Ian? Hmm? (Let the record show that I'm joking, please. Ian is damned right to take his toast back, and I say this as a “person most likely to steal their partner's toast right out of their hand”. I also love that Mickey completely gives up on breakfast when he can't have Ian's toast and just grabs a beer instead.) The kitchen scene is glorious and I just really like their dynamic here; the casual kiss, “I only make breakfast for husbands who have jobs”, how relaxed it is even when Ian's a bit annoyed, Mickey being so... Mickey. I do wonder what went through his head when Ian started talking about their wedding present money, though – he seems worried for a moment, but then shrugs it off, and that could be either bravado or just actual lack of concern. I tend mostly towards the latter, since Mickey quite genuinely figures this isn't a big deal (even though he still recognizes that Ian will probably think it one). Please note that he immediately offers to get money when Ian mentions that they need more of it coming in. Not his fault Ian vetoes his methods, right? (Also love that Ian's objection is due to him not wanting to be separated from Mickey, rather than any moral qualms about robbing stores.)

Okay, the gag ball. Would they really keep it like that if they were actually using it? Maybe either of them just tossed it there after taking it off, I suppose... Yeah, I don't know. Not what I'd imagined them being into, but that might be my own extreme lack of enthusiasm for gag balls and harnesses talking. Either they're into it and if so, you do you, boys, or it was a gift and they're keeping it around and semi-prominently on display for shits and giggles. (But if it was a gift, they did try it at least once, right?)

Mickey in the bath remains stupidly and surprisingly gorgerous. Incidentally, I really don't think his question about the meds is any indication of him not thinking them important, but there's little wonder that Ian bristles at the mention of them. Maybe not be an ass just to prove a point, eh, Mick?

I've already talked about how hard Ian is trying here but let's just take another moment to congratulate our boy on his persistent attempts at mature communication. Though he might have given some actual consideration to Mickey not wanting to save the money if he's really serious about them making decisions together... But he gets there! I think this whole situation – which would royally piss most people, including me, off – is actually particularly difficult for Ian, because he might well see Mickey's behavior as uncomfortably reminiscent of Frank and Monica's destructive habits and yeah, that would fuck him up. And still! He forces himself to calm down! He takes Mickey's hand! He refuses to let himself be distracted by Mickey looking SO INSANELY PRETTY I CANNOT EVEN UNDERSTAND IT! Ian, I salute you!

[starwars_eu_nerd_mode]KORRIBAN! YES! HA! TAKE THAT DISNEY! You take your new so-called “canon” and your “Moraband” and you fuck right off. I salute you, Bitcoin Boy![/starwars_eu_nerd_mode]

Ah, the porch scene... This one I do have a bunch of thoughs on that will probably make it into meta proper one day, so I'll leave it for now. It was the one that took the most thinking about for me to square (still not a lot, it should be noted), but now I'm actually very happy about it. (Full disclosure: none of their scenes feel quite right the first time I see them these days, because I'm just so very on edge about what's to come that I kind of miss the forest for all the trees you know? It's not a Shameless thing – it's always like this when I'm extremely invested in something and have waited for it for some time. Will it fit with how I see the characters? Will it be cringey? Will Mickey suddenly profess a love for hideous Hawaii shirts? Also, what are they saying because English is hard... But then I watch them a couple of times and they sink in and I start to get giddy over them. I guess watching actual canon unfold always requires a little bit of re-calibration if you've been busy fanoning while waiting for it to arrive, and while I love that sort of interpretative work, there’s also the fear that the show will veer off into a direction I cannot easily follow.)

Mickey's insistence that he spelled monogamy wrong does genuinely amuse me. Not to mention the whole “No more parking tickets for me!” - “You don't have a car, dumbass.” Also, Mickey being friendly with Carl kills me, in a good way. Family FTW!

Frank's storyline fails to stir even the vaguest hint of interest in me, as per usual. For all his talk of family in this episode, the lack of interaction with any of his kids is striking. If he's to have any value at all this season I'll need him to get involved in the rest of the Gallagher's storylines (which seems like it might be happening at least for a bit later on, so I'm vaguely hopeful?). I find but faint intrigue in Carl's and Debbie's stuff, but it doesn’t annoy me either so I'll call it a win. Kev and V are (almost) always a delight, but do anyone else feel like their kids are only props, even to them? I don't know... I just don't think there's a connection or sense of realness to their relationship, you know? Maybe it's just me... Anyway, here's to hoping V turning pageant mom changes all that! Oh, and I'll need Liam to have some more screentime and stuff to do.

The Tommy and Kermit thing was weird. Eh. Whatever.

Sandy is so gorgerous. I can't. The Milkoviches really be bringing it this episode.

This is only the second season I've watched episode by episode as it airs (other one was S6) and it's a curiuos experience. I think that by and large, and particularly in later seasons, Shameless works better when you binge it, but I love the delightful anticipation of waiting for a new episode and the feverent discussion that follows. Sometimes I also despair over the ferverent discussion that follows, but... you know. It is what it is. Admittedly, any attempts at meta this early in the season is a precarious venture at best, since we don't have the whole story, and it might be wiser to abstain but it's just so much fun, so I'm not very likely to stop.

All in all, I love the Gallavich stuff, am intrigued by Lip & Tami and Kev & V's lives, okay with whatever Debbie and Carl's got going on, hot for Sandy, bored by Frank, and missing Liam. It sets up a lot of promising things, but as an episode all unto itself it felt a bit empty – probably because there were no real plots and the storylines didn't intersect as much as I would have liked them to. Shameless is best when it's about family, which both the show and Frank seems to recognize, but there's little narrative follow-through on that realization in this episode; everyone is pretty much doing their own thing. Adored the Lip and Ian convo, and that house party scene was wonderful, but so short. Think we'll get more of all of them together going forward, though, and more actual plots too, so I'm very excited about it all. Can't wait for Sunday!

#11x01 #shameless spoilers #episode reaction post #random ramblings #my stuff

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paperclipninja · 4 years ago

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Younger post-ep ramble 7x01

I joked in my finale ramble at the end of season 6 that the episode was called ‘Forever’ because that’s how long it would feel between seasons...well joke's on me because now, after 587 days, we are FINALLY here. The Younger drought has been a tough one, but we have been generously compensated by getting the first four episodes all at once, which is both exciting and also, turns out, incredibly overwhelming. As usual the thoughts and feelings are many, mostly feelings (read: I am NOT ok) but let’s start off with a delve into the premiere episode, ‘A Decent Proposal’.

The episode picks up within minutes of where the season 6 finale left off, with Diana and Enzo not wasting any time to hot foot it out of their wedding reception and into their happily ever after (Arrivederci bitches!). Of course I’m very happy for Diana and her happiness but there’s only one couple’s happiness that I am on tenterhooks about now that Diva is sorted and that is Charles and Liza, as they watch their sprinklers fizzle out in some sort of awkward, symbolic, anti-climax.

You may recall that mere moments earlier, Charles had popped the question on the dancefloor before the two were separated by an obligatory conga line, and Charles quickly assumes that Liza’s lack of enthusiasm to shout her answer across the reception of another person’s wedding is an answer in itself. As anyone who has read my rambles before knows, I unapologetically fly the Team Charles flag, and let me tell you, despite her supreme stalling techniques (you’re not divorced yet, we should probably speak to the children blah blah), hearing Liza say, ‘my answer is, I love you’, my jaw hit the floor. I’m sorry, did Liza Miller just declare her feelings openly and directly and with absolute certainty??? We’re 33 seconds into the new season and I AM SHOOKETH DARREN.

Speaking of declaring feelings openly and directly, I love absolutely everything about this opening scene. The music choice was perfect and really helped build the moment, as Charles told Liza he understands her hesitation before un-asking her to marry him (so that when the she’s made her mind she can pop the question - I kid you not, this has always been my dream...). The music cutting out and just hearing the crickets as Liza asks if he’s really withdrawing the proposal, his quip about her having to make the next move, assuming he’s still on the market (I love/hate this foreshadowing btw), it is Charles/Liza banter at its best and my sappy heart was soaking up every morsel. Throw in some CGI fireworks and the observation that they are sign (which may or may not play out at a later date) and you have yourself a pretty darn near perfect start to Younger’s final season.

Speaking of talking openly and directly, one of the staples of the Youngerverse, the Maggie morning debrief, is back as our way to gain insight into the thoughts, feelings and ponderings of Liza. Straight off the bat I am very pleased that Maggie has fully committed to ‘Chaz’ for Charles and I’m even happier that we actually hear these two talking about what’s going on because honestly, the last couple of seasons the Maggie/Liza convos, which we traditionally rely on heavily to know where Liza is at and to hear Maggie’s sage/sometimes terrible advice, have been skimmed over or felt rushed. We are also reminded that Liza has indeed seen Charles’ goods (the Empiriconda, she’s meaning the Empiriconda) and that the sex is hot, because we need to have all the information on top of the declarations of love to highlight how their relationship is pretty much perfect so that what transpires is even more painful.

Other things that are painful include the fact that Diana will be decidedly absent for most of the season (to be fair scheduling/covid are pretty legit reasons and in ep 1 we can chalk that up to her honeymoon, so more lamenting on that later), but early on it provides some pretty fab Lauren Diva-worshiping. Donning a baroque print Moschino suit that would’ve made Fran Fine jealous, Lauren is clearly distracted by the responsibility of her interim role at Empirical, as her mother frets about the theme for her 30th birthday party over face-time.

Keeping up the chaotic energy, we also discover that Kelsey has to go and let Quinn know she no longer needs her money (these characters’ ongoing relationship with the woman who has tried to ruin all of them at some point really needs unpacking with a good therapist at this stage) and Josh is in full frantic dad mode because he thinks Clare is trying to kidnap Gemma (lol that Lauren straight up calls her out on it later). Two quick points here:1) love seeing this side of Josh and 2) love Kelsey’s calm, measured reassurance that of course Clare would want her family to meet Gemma. I will say though, Josh meeting Rob for the first time when he’s about to go with Clare and Gemma to Ireland and hearing this guy he doesn’t know from a bar of soap exclaim, ‘I’m just in love with your daughter’ was super unfair. Not cool Clare, not cool.

Kelsey keeps her cool as she breaks the news of her change of heart to our fave resident villain, who comes complete with a bowl of fortune cookies she ominously encourages Kelsey to consult while also enjoying her own fortune, ‘a new love will come into your life’. It’s all very OTT and ridiculous in it’s obvious foreshadowing and I am here for every minute of it because I sincerely love to hate Quinn very much.

My love of all things over the top is further fed by Lauren entering Diana’s office and making her way to the desk - the music, the way Lauren looks at the framed picture of Diana and Enzo before relegating it to the drawer, any moment I was expecting her to utter ‘my precious’ as she became more and more entranced by the power of the neckwear, before Liza abruptly broke the spell by asking what she was doing and warned her off her consideration of claiming Diana’s office as her own. Very much appreciated the continuity later in the episode when Liza is very distressed that Lauren has gone full-Trout with the chunky baubled ornament around her neck, though Lauren is less Invasion of the Body Snatchers and more Nancy Drew at this point, as she has caught wind of Charles’ proposal while reviewing video footage from Diana’s wedding which she decided, for some reason, to show Josh, who was ‘still not interested’ (we hear your words Josh but your face says otherwise). I am very on board the Liza/Lauren dynamic and their ‘circle of trust’ as Liza asks that Lauren keep the proposal to herself (we really haven’t seen the friendship between these two much) and Liza’s gratitude, ‘Thank you...Di-va’, is hilarious, as is the response, ‘my pleasure, Queen’.

We get many fine moments in the office this ep, the first meeting when there are formal announcements and speeches made welcoming Kelsey back...to a conference room of Charles, Liza, Lauren and a random guy we’ve never seen or heard from before and never will again it seems. It makes me laugh that every person in the room except the dude we’ll never know already knows everything but hey, formality is important I guess? The pitch for ‘Little Women in Space’ by an author played by an actress who is friends IRL with Sutton Foster and they were in the musical Little Women together is honestly too much but also just the right amount and this show does meta so well (not to mention Lauren’s excited outburst upon realising her party theme plus her making sure Liza knows that she knows about the proposal. Subtle as a sledgehammer is our Lauren).

One not-so-fine moment is the extremely out of left field resignation of Zane followed by the completely douchey moment of him breaking up with Kelsey via face-time with the line, ‘I love you Kelsey, take care’. I’m sorry, what?? On the one hand, I get it that CMD wasn’t available for the season so in some respects better to deal with it swiftly and move on, but it was very abrupt and strange. I had zero investment in the pairing so it doesn’t overly affect my viewing, but any fans out there shipping those two, are you ok? Because that was a brutal way for a pairing to simply cease to exist.

So we have I love yous being thrown around by Kelsey and Zane as they break up because that makes sense (in retrospect I should’ve seen what was coming because these words clearly mean NOTHING *breathes deeply, exhales slowly*) but thank goodness Liza is there to comfort Kelsey, whose statement that she really doesn’t care would be a lot more convincing if she wasn’t crying inconsolably. We get a beautiful transition from Kelsey’s office to Charles’ with a sweeping aerial shot across the autumnal canopy of Central Park along with the gentle music adding to the relaxed pacing of the episode. Liza doesn’t want it to be weird between her and Charles now that the proposal is out there (well actually, its 100% in her court but yes), so he reassures her it’s not weird at all by planting a kiss on her that almost triggers the sprinklers because friends, it is HOTTT. Cue super cute exchange about pro and cons lists, lovingly looking into one another’s eyes and then, another ‘ I love you’ from Liza to Charles followed by Charles responding, ‘I love you too’, and despite my deceased status at this point, it was magical. But also WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.

These two are so enamoured with one another and it’s as though it’s something they just say to each other all the time, but this is literally the first episode we’ve heard any kind of expression of feelings to one another since the season 6 premiere and even then it wasn’t this direct; Liza ran away and Charles told her he didn’t mind not being at the office because he did it for the woman he loves followed by a cute story about how he can do maths because he’s had feelings for her for 16 years. Don’t get me wrong, the entire scene this episode was perfect and it was SO well done in the way it captured the best parts of their dynamic (damn you Darren Star for being so good at what you do), but it also felt like we were being shown the dream version of what could have been before it’s all snatched away.

Not unlike Millennial, which is like naming a business Boomer Print according to the table of boomers at the investor meeting who blindside Kelsey and Charles by voting to restore the name Empirical (head boomer has clearly had it with millennials, indicated by his statement, ‘who gives a shit about millennials any more?’) and so it is done and Kelsey is officially having a very bad week. It is while enjoying a quiet bourbon in the bar that evening that Charles is joined by Quinn, who is allegedly on her apology tour to explain to investors why she dropped out of the Senate race, but also offers Charles what seems to be a sincere apology for treating his company like a toy (prediction: nothing is ever as it seems with Quinn). I have a confession to make and believe me, I don't like it any more than you do - they absolutely nailed the set up of tension and a little bit of a spark between Charles and Quinn in this scene IMO and I...I *whispers* I liked it.

What I liked even more was Lauren’s completely in character entrance to her own birthday party, omg it’s so ridiculous and perfectly her and Denise telling her daughter, ‘fix your crotch, good girl’ had me chuckling. I feel like we’re getting Kelsey’s set up for the season at this party too, as she’s feeling unsure of what defines her now, and the conversation about defining things carries over into Josh and Liza’s chat when he asks her if congratulations are in order. This exchange between the two of them is just lovely, with Liza clearly feeling a little awkward talking to Josh about Charles, but Josh reassures her that he does like him, for her, and that it brings him joy to know she’s happy. They agree that their relationship doesn’t need to be defined, and that they'll always be in each others’ lives no matter who they’re with. It feels very final for their romantic relationship and I would be celebrating the end of the triangle had I not clocked Josh’s fallen expression as Liza walks away. I really do hope that Josh finds someone he loves and who loves him the way he wants to be loved this season. Josh’s words gave Liza some clarity of her own and so we find ourselves at the magnificent Seaglass Carousel, home of Liza and Charles’ first proper date, once more.

Charles is clearly full of hope and expectation as he meets Liza and they remember the time he and the beard we try to forget about brought her there and it’s all amazing and beautiful and...*collects self*...Liza tells him that she just wants to keep riding the perfect ride. She once again tells him she loves him (we’re up to three times in one ep now for those of you playing at home), that all she wants is his heart and that she wants to be happily unmarried to him every day. To say this does not go down the way she is expecting is an understatement; we learn that Charles doesn’t want a ride, he wants to get off the carousel and not live in a fantasy. He believes in marriage whereas she believes they are now finally free and folks, this is why you talk about your stance on marriage in a relationship BEFORE you pop the question out of nowhere at someone’s wedding.

You can see on his face, as Liza says she doesn’t want to define their relationship by the rules and obligations of marriage, that he’s hearing that she is not all in (whether that’s true or not) and he thanks her for letting him know what’s in her heart. You know the bit that actually plunges the knife into my heart? Charles shaking his head as Liza says his name, clearly overcome with emotion, before he kisses her on the head looking as though his world has just come crumbling down around him. That knife just gets twisted even further as Liza is left there in disbelief, (we are all Liza in that moment honestly), trying to process how her own declaration could be so easily rejected. You know, I knew it was coming, but it didn’t make it any less painful. I can see it from both perspectives and I have no doubt that these two characters have a lot they need to address and work through as a result of their own failed marriages if they’re going to have healthy relationships moving forward.

I tell you what, after so long with no new episodes, this first episode of the season was concurrently beautiful and heart-breaking and one thing’s for certain - this final ride ain’t gonna be smooth. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m just going to go and regain some composure so we can start on ep 2...

Season 6 ramble collection can be found here

#youngertv #younger tv #7x01 #reiew #ramble #liza miller #charles brooks #kelsey peters #maggie amato #lauren heller #younger season 7 #tv show

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ficsnroses · 5 years ago

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Hold You - Keanu Reeves x Reader

ayeee we back out here with another generic fic title:)

Word Count : 2783

Warnings : Nothing besides fluff! One F bomb as well. And a mention (or a few..) of sex.

Summary : Reader cuddles Keanu before bed to cheer him up, & an intimate conversation about their relationship ensues.

A/N : Shout out to @meetmeinthematinee @thesadvampire & @john-wickening for loosely inspiring this during a convo the other day. 🖤

On a chilly February evening, you sit alone, whisked away in a novel, tucked in your queen sized bed. The freshly washed sheets, fragrant with the smell of spring cherry blossoms sprawled around you; make you miss the season forthcoming. It felt like it had been ages since you last saw a vibrant, rosy pink blossom blooming outside.

Someone had gifted you a petite, potted cherry blossom tree as housewarming gift when you and Keanu first purchased your home together. He planted it right in your front yard, where you’d see it each time you come in and out. It had been growing more and more each year, coming back stronger, wiser. You felt it symbolized a lot more than just a shrub, rising in your yard. It had been there since you and Keanu started your journey together, by buying a home, where you’d start a family together. It symbolized all the firsts that would come thereafter, the ups and downs that may follow, the good and the not so good.

But what would always remain, was familiarity. The beauty that would remain evergreen, the growth that would signify endless support. The roots that had found home in what surrounded. The love that grew, season after season,

both outside, in the yard called home to the blossom tree,

and inside, in the house you and your lover called home.

Your husband, Keanu, would be home soon. Night had fallen a few hours long ago, the winter days shorter. You’d often wait for him when he was out later. He’d been out today to the Arch office, working out some stuff with his colleagues for the business. He’d called earlier, letting you know he’d eat out tonight, as they’d ran overtime. You’d planned to watch a movie together before bed though, you missed him all day.

A few moments pass, the pages flipping between your fingers, your gaze intently locked in, inquisitive, absorbed within the tale you’d immersed between. The gray bedroom door flows open, revealing a much tired Keanu, Arch leather jacket swung over his shoulder. His eyes catch yours, as he smiles, rubbing tiredness from his earthy pupils.

“Hi baby.” His gruff voice rasps, as he walks towards the closet.

“Hey, how was it?” you chirp, setting the novel aside on the nightstand, your reading glasses along.

He runs a hand through his lengthy mane, sighing. “It was okay.” He keeps his gaze low, shuffling out of his jeans into some sweatpants, and a plain white sleeping shirt. You admire his bare chest and torso as he does, although his muscles seem tense. Biting your lip, you inquire.

“Everything alright, love?”

Keanu chuckles lightly, the sound barely escaping past his lips as he throws his clothes into the wash hamper. “Everything’s okay. Just…I don’t know. Fatigue I guess.”

“Aw, should we watch a movie tomorrow instead, then?” you propose, fluffing your pearly white pillow.

“I guess.” His deep voice exhales. He walks towards the bed to his side, pulling the covers back. His under eyes are puffier than usual; you know him like the back of your hand. He’s had a long, long day. But he’s never the type to complain or lament. He’s a hard worker, prefers to keep the attention drawn away.

But you were his wife, if you wouldn’t look out for him, who else would?

You bring your hand to touch his forearm, tracing some of the veins along his skin. “You wanna do something else?” bringing yourself in closer, you wrap your hands around his left arm, placing a kiss to his bicep, before you rest your head on it. He seemed tense, hassled. You hated every second seeing him this way.

Keanu brings his right hand to rest over one of yours that is wrapped around his left arm. Gently squeezing, he sighs.

“Do you ever wonder, about how much of everything there is?”

Your brows furrow together, hearing the words come out of his mouth. “Hmmmm…care to elaborate?” you propose, hugging his arm closer, as you’re still leaning on it, sat side by side in bed.

“There so many people, so many stories. So many problems. Do you ever wonder, where does it all end?” he divers his gaze down again. “What if it all ended today? What if all our stories just…ceased to exist? Would we be happy with what we’ve left behind?”

You take in a shaky breath, realizing there’s a ton on his mind right now. Every now and then, Keanu feels down, which is alright, he’s only human. He deserves to feel, as we all do.

You lace his hand with yours, hugging his arm tighter now.

“Hmm, that’s a pretty vast one. I’d like to think we all leave a mark, no matter how big or small. And if we’re content, happy with the way we’re leading our lives when we’re here, does it really matter what we leave behind?”

He slowly nods his head, lips pursing together tighter.

“Bad day?” you ask again.

“I guess. Don’t know why though.”

“That’s alright.” You smile, freeing yourself from him. You move back over to your side of the bed, laying down, and open your arms for him. “Come here.” You smile, nudging him.

He looks down at you, how adorable you looked inviting him in for a snuggle. The cast of the bed side lamp over your skin, paired with the moonlight filtered in made you look delightfully surreal, dreamlike. Your arms were always so warm, so welcoming. As much as it may go against his manly persona, Keanu enjoyed the occasional cuddle of being the little spoon. There was just something so appealing, so lovable, addicting with the way you’d hold him close.

You see a smile creep his lips, as he lowers himself down. Wrapping your arms around him, he tucks his head into your chest, breathing in your lavender scent in an audible inhale. He secures his arms around you as well, holding tight.

This was what it meant to have complete contentment.

You bring a hand up to stroke his silky, dark hair comfortingly, peacefully placing a few kisses to his temple, his head. His breathing is steady, felt against your skin. Gently massaging his scalp with your fingers, you kiss his forehead before speaking.

“What was the highlight of your week, babe?” you find talking to him, normally makes him feel more at ease.

He brings his head out of your chest, pulling away slightly, so he’s now face to face with you. “Definitely that meal we had the other day on that beach restaurant.” he chuckles. “What about you?”

“I saw a puppy with the fluffiest fur the other day while taking the recycling out.” You grin. “Which reminds me, can we please get a dog?” you frown.

He laughs, deep voice rummaging through your ears. “Maybe.”

Bringing his head back to tuck into your chest, he holds you tighter again, latching on as you hold him, soothingly rubbing his back and arms. You continue to press kisses wherever you can, letting him know you’re close.

You never let him forget the feeling of being touched, with all the love you can offer. All the love he deserves.

“I love you.” You whisper, every now and then, barely audible as you’re holding each other, relaxed and gratified.

A few moments later, Keanu pulls back, moving up slightly, leaning his head on his elbow as he faces you. His lips harbour the most contagiously exquisite smile.

“What’s something you’ve dreamed of doing, but haven’t?” he asks, peering down at you. He brings a hand to lace with yours, your fingers fiddling together.

You ponder for a moment, “I’ve always wanted to make something creative. Like, direct, or organize?” you answer, shifting so you can lean your head on one of your arms, as the other holds his hand.

“Why haven’t you yet, angel?” he frowns.

“Fear of failure, I guess. I just need an idea I’m really confident in.”

He brings your hand up to place a kiss to your palm. “Anything you’ll make is amazing.”

You grin at him, and at how romantic he’s being. This man really had your entire heart.

“What’s your favourite memory we’ve shared together?” you probe, leaning your hand on your chin now, staring up at him, gently stroking his hand with your thumb. He chuckles, before tapping his chin.

“We’ve shared so many, how do you expect me to choose?” he debates.

“There’s got to be something that stands out! Are you trying to say I’m not memorable?” you gasp playfully.

He cups your cheek, gently stroking his thumb under your eye. “You’re the most memorable thing I have.”

He really meant that, and you know it.

“I think it would have to be that day, a few months into when we were first dating. I took you on a drive along the coast, we stopped at that cliff overlooking the city. On the way back, it got dark, and you fell asleep holding my hand. I tried avoiding every single pothole and bump so you wouldn’t wake up.” He shakes his head, his dark brown hair falling in his face.

“Baby, you did that? You never told me that before.” You giggle, tapping his nose.

“Yeah, you looked so peaceful. So fucking perfect. I kept glancing over every few moments to make sure you were okay.” He kisses your forehead. “There was this stray hair that kept falling in your eye, so I’d have to keep moving my hand to move it away, and then bring my hand down to hold yours again, so it wouldn’t get cold.” He smiled, reminiscing.

You beam at the way he’s speaking, recalling every detail. Your heart was fluttering, feeling yourself fall deeper in love with him, if that was even possible.

He lays back down again, head against the pillows, pulling you into his chest, so he’s now the bigger spoon. Wrapping both arms around you, he ponders.

“What qualities made me special to you?” he asks, curious. He often thought about how exceptionally perfect you were; you were definitely the woman of his dreams. He had trouble seeing why you chose him, sometimes.

You place a kiss to his chest, hugging him tighter.

“There’s so, so many, Ke. I love how caring you are; how respectful you are to every single person around you. How thoughtful you are, considerate. I love how passionate you are of your work, how determined, enthusiastic you are. I love the way you take care of me. The way you kill spiders for me, the way you make my morning coffee perfect each and every time. The way you let me have the less scary side of the bed.” You giggle. “I love how much you love me, and never let me forget it.” You say genuinely, moving your gaze up to look at him, adoringly, your fingers gently grazing his chest.

With his cheeks blushed a tinge of peach, he smiles down at you, lovingly. You’d remind him how much he meant to you, each second of every day if you could.

“Okay, I have one for you. What were you thinking of on our first date?” you giggle, proposing. Positioning your head back on his chest, an arm drapes over him again, hugging into him, the beat of his heart, rise and fall of his chest under you, reminding you that he was real; not just a dream.

A wonderful, magnificent dream.

With a chuckle, he sighs. “Definitely praying that you were just as affected by me as I was by you. I think my breath really hitched when I picked you up from that apartment you lived in by the farmer’s market.” He laughs. “You didn’t know I brought my bike, and the look you gave me, it was priceless, sweetheart.” He leans down to place a kiss in your hair, recollecting.

You gasp in memory. “I remember that! You asked me to hold onto you while we drove, pretty sure my heart fluttered at the thought of touching you.” You giggle. “Not much has changed, huh.” You smile at the way you’re doing just that now, limbs tangled, completely connected physically, & emotionally, holding each other.

“That was a pretty great day.” He shifts slightly under you, to allow his hand to how hold yours as it rests on his chest. “Hey, what would be your perfect day?” he asks, enquiring.

Furrowing your brows, biting your lip in thought, you finally speak.

“Hmm…okay. I’d… – sorry, we’d sleep in until at least 9:30am. I wouldn’t let you leave the bed before me because you know how I feel about losing your body heat.” You laugh. “Then, we would take our dog on a walk, who by the way, I’m still patiently waiting for you to gift me. Then, we’d have our morning coffee outside on the patio, overlooking the city. Maybe later I’d go to brunch with some friends, perhaps go to the library downtown…oh! A concert later in the evening would be cool. Maybe dinner by the beach with all our friends? Oh! I’d definitely go to that cute artisan bakery by the park.” You ramble. “What about you, baby?”

“Hmm...” he rubs his hand up and down your arm softly. “We’d sleep in, have some killer morning sex. Twice.” He looks down to see you playfully roll your eyes. He’s moving his spare hand out in front of him, waving away as he normally does when he speaks about things that interest him.

A quality so uniquely him.

“Then, we’d have breakfast and go for a motorcycle ride, maybe go for a swim, have more sex,” you cut him off.

“More? Didn’t we just go twice in the morning?” you huff, staring up at him.

“This is *my* perfect day, miss.” He jokes.

You raise your hands up in defeat. “Okay, okay. Go on.” You giggle and return your arms to his embrace.

“Then, we’d go to the movies. Maybe out to the bar later with friends, come back home, have more sex, do some reading outside by the pool, go out for an evening meal, come back home and have more sex,” you cut him off again.

“Okay, okay, I get the point.” You giggle, kissing his chest again.

“Five times in a day, Ke? Seriously?” you chuckle.

“Can’t help it when my wife is so beautiful.” He smiles. “There’s nothing I love more than making love to you, darling.”

Grinning, your hands fiddle together once again, fingers gently lacing each other, soothingly grazing over each others palms. The dainty room fills with stillness once again, for a few moments.

Closing your eyes, you focus your attention on the feel of his steady breathing chest underneath your head, the warmth of his body engulfing you, the scent of a cigarette smoked not long ago, spiked with the scent of his woody cologne enticing your senses.

Grasping his much larger hand in yours both of yours, you place a kiss to each one of his fingers, so softly, tenderly.

Bringing your hand up, you gently scratch his beard, your touch brimming with affection. As your head stays placed on his chest, with your hand stroking through his hair calmly, gently tracing the bumps of his face, you ask into the dimly lit room, voice discreet, softer than a flowing feather.

“Ke, were you in love before me?” you wonder. The ticking of the clock seems to get louder, filling the tranquillity of the four walls.

He takes in a deep breath, before responding.

“Not like this.”

Placing another kiss to your hair, he continues to hold you tight to his chest, almost shielding you away from any harm. The way he’d always protect you.

“I’ve never loved this strong in my entire life. I can’t see a life without you in it. And I’m not scared of how much I love you. I just know, that you are everything. & I know, that what we have, what we’ve made, is the most important thing I have.”

Feeling tears brim ever so slightly in your orbs, you exhale, in complete contentment. You knew each word leaving his mouth was coming from the bottom of his heart, because he’d never failed to show you. For you, each word meant complete certainty, unquestionably.

How, did you ever get so lucky to find someone who loves you so entirely, so unconditionally?

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you shift your weight onto your elbow, leaning up to stare him right into his chocolate eyes, perfectly glistening, so beautifully. There’s a gratified smile that rests his lips, so completely at ease, a perceptible contrast to the stress that’d worked his features prior.

Cupping his cheek with your palm, your subtle, delicate voice speaks.

“What can I do to show you how much I love you?”

Grasping your wrist, resting his hand over yours that cups his cheek, he stares you right into your eyes, almost as if staring into your soul. “Exactly what you’re doing now. Listening to me, being here with me.”

Leaning in, your lips graze his, connecting in a love drenched kiss, his thumb coaxes the soft skin under your eye, pouring a wealth of adoration, respect, fondness, all things good, everything he wanted to give to you, into your rosy lips.

“You mean everything to me, too.” You whisper, into his neck, as he pulls you back in, resting his chin on top of your head.

In this moment, so pure, as a fresh rainfall after a sandy drought, worry ceases to exist.

As the bedside lamp glimmers, emitting a glowy hue of gold into each corner of the serene room,

the thought of spring cherry blossoms fills your head again.

The way they’d bloom once more, in the warmth. The way they’d return, greeting the new, sweet, honeyed spring, returning to the front yard garden, to the familiarity of being back home, exactly where they’d belonged all along.

The heavenly sky and whispy clouds would wave hello to them, the breezy air would embrace them, the graceful rainfall would kiss them, the silky grass would welcome them. Because all things bloom, in the most natural form of love.

Snuggled tight to your lover, the man who owned each drop of love you had to offer, you hug him closer, keen to feel his skin in closest proximity.

Feeling his lips on your forehead, you daze off into a deep, restful sleep, in the arms,

of the one,

who mattered most.

*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*

Taglist Posted Separately (Ask to be added or removed!) :

#keanu reeves x reader #keanu reeves x you #keanu reeves oneshot #keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves imagine

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engelkeijsers · 4 years ago

Text

i thought keeping this all to myself for some time until it passes would be a good idea and i actually did that, but with every day it's getting harder so you know what fuck it and nevermind i'm actually gonna rant here,, i'm not expecting anyone to respond this is one is just for me to get this out of my system

a little context first for all those that are actually reading if there are any: last wednesday, thursday and friday were SHIT, like really really bad days for me mentally but i had to go to school and so i went. the day before i've lost my clean days (as in self-harm) which were like three weeks already but i tried not to think about it too much cause you know ✨ guilt ✨ so i just sat down my ass in one of the desks and waited for mt friends to come (i'm gonna refer to them as x y z cause privacy). i usually sit with z cause whe comes aeound the same time as i do, but that day x came before her and so she sat with me. normal, literally not the first time we've done this. x noticed my forearm and we talked a little about how i'm feeling and all, really nice i love her. then y came and x talked with her too and then came z late to class cause her bus didn't come. again, not the first time. the whole day we didn't change the rooms so i was stuck at my chair between x and the wall, fine with it cause that way i didn't have to engage much into the conversations and bro i was SO thankful for that, also x helped a little so win. friday was practically the same as that. the whole weekend i was kinda recovering and just relaxing a bit and then monday came. monday was for me one of these days when i'm oveely energetic like i literally can't sit my ass in one place cause i have to either pkay with my pen or swing in my chair or something, just really energetic. and so i was that, again next to a wall place with x beside me. and after the second lesson we had to move the rooms so fine i packed, waited for them. y and z packed before me and x and left early tho, which was kinda surprising since we always wait for every one of us. but fine, i waited for x and we left and then we sat before the classroom. i tried to start a convo with z but she quickly cut off, like completely uninterested?? so i just stood up and left, cause i felt like now she might be having a bad day and i didn't want to make it harder for her to go through. so i walked up to x and jokingly said that i was blown off and x said seriously "and do you know why that is?" and at that moment i understood something was wrong so i asked what's going on and x told me that z felt like i pushed her off last week and it hurt her a little. at that second the bell rang and we went to class. when i tell you u got so fucking sad- like i didn't notice that i might have done that until x pointed out and i just felt so bad?? cause even if i have the worst fucking day i have no right to make my friends feel bad you know. so i spent the whole lesson thinking about how should i apologize to her like what words to use and how to approach this. and so the bell rang again and we left and i sat next to z on the corridor and said (i am quoting here) «i'm sorry» «for what?» she fake laughed here, not looking me in the eyes not even once during the whole 'convo'* «for being so distant those last two days of the previous week, i didn't want you to feel bad» «it's fine» «no but for real bro, i didn't want to» (we use bro to each other very often okay) «it's okay». that was it. i know she said it was okay, but she didn't look me im the eyes even once and the tone of her voice clearly indicated something different?? idk but i got really upset, at the verge of tears even (cause like i said, very energetic day so therefore also VERY strong emotions, even exaggerated some would say) and we haven't talked since except one 'hello' from yesterday morning cause we were the first ones from our friend group to come. and she's talking normally with x and y, just not with me, so that makes me even more upset?? and me and y were never really close, so only x left for me to talk on breaks and she wasn't at school yesterday fun!! but the reason is serious and i don't blame her at all though. also!! x is practically the only person answering me when i'm asking/texting in our group chat, y always seeing but not responding and z seeing either like y or after few hours

my point here is basically that right now i feel just really pushed aside and out of place with people that i've been friends with for more than a year now and it hurts a lot to be honest. and i really don't get it!! i know z has every right to be angry with me, but i already said i'm sorry twice and tried to make up for it since then, so i don't understand why she's acting like that?? i would understand if she'd said «you know what yeah i am mad at you actually» but she said it was all fine so?? what the fuck is going on, what's that fucked up kind of punishing me?? cause it does feel as if she's trying to do that ngl and the same people were talking about communication in our relationships while we were quarantined? like we then laughed at people that don't talk to each other at all but have expectations and yet they're now doing the fucking same?? i'm just so damn tired cause the whole evening yesterday i felt like i was going to cry in any moment but couldn't and i still feel like that now and this state is just so tiring physically and mentally and i'm so done with them acting like that but also i don't feel like i have the right to call them out on it?? cause i feel like it was me that started it all?? i don't know anymore i'm just so tired of this whole situation i wanna cry tbh

#long post #self harm mention #sh mention #mare talks shit #sorry it's so long i just had to get it out #probably delete later

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jon-astronaut · 4 years ago

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Hey friend! Your Skam content has been a gift! So, I have a really random question (I don't know if you've answered a similar one)... But I know that Skam Turkey would probably not be good (especially because of RTÜK)... but if you had the free time and all the creative power, what would you like to see of Skam Turkey?

Helloooo! First of all, thank you for liking my Skam conteeent! I just do things I wish existed ahahah

And, thank you for this question but get ready for a loooong answer! I didn’t answer anything like this before. I only explained why a Skam Turkey wouldn’t work - as you said because of RTÜK (the government institution that regulates television, radio, online content).

I actually thought a lot about this before!

I would base it in İstanbul because it’s where I am living. I know the show would be so different placed in somewhere else but İstanbul feels nice and feels diverse enough.

so season 1, i guess would be pretty similar. I don’t think I would change much of the plot points. except the parties if happening would be smaller in scale. and instead of parties mostly they would hang at bars in kadıköy, beşiktaş, taksim a lot.

they would be studying in one of the ‘good highschools’ (not a private one).

Since Turkish shows are filled with a lot of romance I think it would be important to show a close female friend group!!! they would have sleepovers and braid each other’s hair and get each other coffee every morning from the canteen! sit together in classes! have big breakfasts in kadıköy!

I knew people that smoke weed in high school but I kinda had a niche high school experience so Eva would be against smoking and Jonas could just be smoking cigarettes. Jonas would be quite political. Maybe going to protests in Kadıköy and getting tear gased! Using his twitter a lot!

I would change William's character a lot in s1. Instead of the whole sleeping with Vilde etc. it could be just flirting and giving her hope and him being a kind of a jerk because he would think he was so cool. In the end, he wouldn’t be that toxic. (we don’t need that message! but he doesn’t need to be perfect either)

we would see the stress of the university entrance exam creeping up! eva would feel insecure and have fights with her parents about her grades and about her perfomance in dershane (private courses)! jonas doing so well wouldn’t help either

The girl squad would be the same. Turkish Sana would be a hijabi Muslim and maybe Chris would be a little conservative. Then, Noora and Eva and Vilde would be more relaxed in terms of drinking etc. Vilde could still make her ignorant comments on Islam.

(i think that part’s important because even if Turkey is known as a muslim country there are a lot of people who live the religion in their own terms. as someone who doesn’t have anybody hijabi in her immediate family i had a lot of ignorant questions too)

so s2,

Noora would be the person to keep up with the news of all the murdered women! She would constantly bring that up in hopes to educate others! And her article in the end would be about that. (she would defend #istanbulsözleşmesi #istanbulagreement)

the season would open up with noora and the girls at an 8th of march parade where the police would be there and they would run away!

Vilde would have moved on and there wouldn’t be the whole William forcing Noora to go on a date. Instead Noora would be hesitant because his action’s last year would clash with her feminist ideals. they would get together earlier!

the auction penetrators does could be for some women organization!

the sexual assault storyline would happen mid season and we would see noora go to the police etc. and the whole process!

william wouldn’t leave after finding out...we don’t need to see smt like that on Turkish tv anymore. instead in a teaching moment for the viewers he wouldn’t judge her. and not ask anything like her clothing, the drinking even if noora expected him to

(seeing her legal process is important because it takes a long time in Turkey and most of the time people don’t get punished. jonas and others would help with a twitter campaign)

in s3, william would be studying abroad and him and noora would be doing long-distance successfully!

s3 is the trickiest one and i am changing a lot, (since this the ideal world let’s imagine i can actually put in a gay character)

isak’s mother would accept him immediately but his father could have issues. i feel like the homophobia needs to be shown someway.

even would be a transfer student in their last year. and in 12th grade there would be a big background story of the university entrance exam. isak and even could meet at a study session designed by the school

in early parts of the season, we could see a lot of ‘i don’t have a problem with gay people as long as they are away from me, they don’t shove their sexuality in my face’ type of thinking from the people around. maybe some class discussions.

the boy squad would be wholesome! they would still make some weird jokes but they will learn better! they wouldn’t be skaters but they would hang out at places like kadıköy, beşiktaş a lot! maybe they could do like a little band of their own!

the internalized homophobia would be strong (but never using slurs kind of) and isak would really force himself to be with emma.

when they finally kiss instead of going for more isak would run away. and then when they see each other at school they would talk and isak would say smt like ‘let’s forget about that’

him and eva would be close friends and while talking with her about relationships he would realize it was unfair to emma and break up with her.

here comes eskild! it would be noora’s older brother who is studying in a well known university and who is openly gay! they would run into each other somehow and isak would see that he could be himself. that there are people like him. (later on the boy squad gets like lectures, lessons from him to educate themselves on different sexualities)

then, he would go to a bar even is in and they talk and pinky touches and go back to even’s. make out, spend time etc. there is no sonja storyline. instead it’s them getting together.

the mental ilness storyline stays! and isak would see even’s episode instead of waking up with him gone. he would dial his parents’ numbers and learn everything!

then, even would talk a lot about himself and explain how he feels and how is everything for him!

WAITJONAS! jonas would be such a good friend and i think the whole carelessness of skam wouldn’t work. instead he would be careless about it at first like ‘oh he is good looking’ then he would apologize for the old jokes and swears he would be better! GIVES ISAK A BIG HUG THE PHYSICAL CONTACT IS IMPORTANT! then jonas makes his mission the end homophobes on twitter and irl!

(this convo would happen either at moda sahil or in beşiktaş while eating balık ekmek which fish and bread)

(i would change a lot because i think a more positive and a more distilled portrayal is important and isak and even navigating their relationship should be seen more.)

sadly, at school in the street etc. they would never be seen kissing, holding hands. but eskild would take everybody to his university for a tour one day (there is still the university entrance exam) and isak and even would be themselves there.

s4 is also tricky and actually somehow some part of og skam works,

sana would feel isolated because the others are not practicing like her and some are not even believing. she would feel weird when fasting because vilde and noora would suggest getting coffee after school without second thinking.

let’s get political! she would have a hard time convincing people she wasn’t supporting the government. maybe some political debates in class and people would stare at her thinking she would say something old fashioned etc. (this would come up in s3 with isak first. isak would see her hanging with turkish eskild and it would click for him that it doesn’t matter for sana)

sana and jonas would bond over politics!

yousef’s story always felt familiar for me so he would be a non-believer (or if i felt brave enough he would be Kurdish and there would be a whole conversation about it) so that whole storyline happens without the noora kiss.

i would have even be exes with one of sana’s brother’s friends - much like skamit! we need some muslim gay represantation!

and instead of the fight between the boys there would be this coldness because of jealousy from isak. a fight almost breaks but even and jonas stops it while the other two boys are ready to jump the others. the episode would end with isak and even arguing sana hearing it.

next, isak and sana would have the bench talk. the whole answering the ignorant questions would be said and then they would ask each other that. in a respectful way of course. stuff like isak asking about ‘can a muslim be gay?’ and sana asking about ‘how did you realized you liked boys?’ etc.

(i am trying to teach people here)

about now sana realizes he could be with yousef regardless. and they talk.

the girls would plan an afterparty with the others in their year for after the prom! sana wouldn’t feel welcome there - it’s a club. and the fights etc.

the girls would come to sana’s home and apologize saying they want to do better learn more!

also a convo with maybe chris and eva - sana being a hijabi muslim who fasts and prays, chris being maybe loosely fasting and praying in her own way and eva who doesn’t do anything but still believes in God and considers herself Muslim and how they all feel!

then the farewell stuff would happen with banners and slogans! and they would dress up in their school’s colors!

after this sana would meet up with yousef and they would go on an official date. and it would be like they would hold hands while walking and hug but not kissess (at least not in public)

one of the final clips would be a long table in one of the characters’s home where they are having iftar! everybody made the foods, william comes back, jonas and eva gets together!

and the graduation ceremony! everybody crying! and finally a few shots of isak and even in the pride where it gets cancelled/tear gased every year! eskild would be there too! and even some other friends supporting them!

oh wow! i guess you didn’t expect this when you asked! i was halfway into this when i realized you just asked what i would like to see and i was here giving you an outline...

anyway, basically i would love to see the female friendship part being emphasized, seeing noora’s sexual asault plot in a bigger way and seeing the results, the homophobia of turkey and the hope regardless and the coming together of different ways of Islam!!!!!

if you want to bounce off ideas i am always opeeeen! and hope you liked this little turkish skam versiooon!

#skam #skam turkey #ask

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years ago

Text

Supportive at every turn

Relationship: Maia Roberts & Bat Velasquez

Characters: Maia Roberts, Bat Velasquez, Raphael Santiago (Mentioned), Meliorn (mentioned), Jordan Kyle (mentioned)

Additional Tags: very brief and non specific mention of The Polycule, Trans Maia Roberts, Trans Female Character, Trans Bat Velasquez, nonbinary Bat Velasquez, bigender Bat Velasquez, Coming Out, brief mentions of abuse, Jordan Kyle is an abuser, a little bit of internalized transphobia, this makes the whole thing sound heavy it's not tbh, it's just kinda fluffy initial coming out convo, one hundred percent self indulgent thing written on a whim

Summary: Bat figures they should start thinking about transitioning.

They go to Maia for help.

Read it on ao3

“Hey, Bat,” Maia greets, casually, as soon as Bat enters Taki’s. It shouldn’t really be surprising; the restaurant is not open yet, and this means that no one but the pack, Maia and Raphael’s partners, and the occasional clan member can get in. Most of the time, it’s Bat; but it’s not like Bat’s supposed to bring her anything today, and she knew who it was without even looking up.

Well. That ends any hope of having the time to take a deep breath before talking to her. A part of Bat wants to flee, but that would only make it worse when they were inevitably back. So, they give her the best smile they can, and sit on the counter, watching as she checks if she espresso machines are all running normally.

She finally looks up at them, raising an eyebrow. “You know we’re not open yet, right?” she asks, a mix of curiosity and comfortable casualness in her tone. It makes them relax, funnily enough. The whole thing feels normal for a second, even if for Bat it's anything but.

“Yes." They say, quickly, "I just, uh, wanted to talk to you.”

She looks up, her interest piqued. “Okay,” she says, putting her hands on the counter slowly, her lips pursed in something almost like a challenge. “Hit me. Is it pack business?”

“No,” they shake their head. They wouldn’t come to her on Taki’s for pack business, unless it was an emergency. They know that she already knows this, and as nervous as they know she knows that they are, this is definitely not their there-is-an-emergency behavior. They would never have become her second-in-command if it were. Pack leaders have to be quick on their feet, and lose as little time as possible.

Besides, very little counts as an emergency, these days. Even when there is a new person Turned, Bat and the others already know how to handle it at this point. And thankfully, that’s the hardest thing they usually have to do.

She nods, seeming thoughtful. “Is it about me?”

“Uh, no,” they answer, a little uncomfortable. “It’s about me.”

“Okay,” she answers, seeming to relax a little at those words, her worried stance taking calmer, steadier undertones. “And I assume it’s going to be long, since you came here,” she glances at the clock, “two hours before we’re open. So, do you mind helping me do inventory and everything? I’m sure you know the drill by now.”

“Yes, of course,” Bat says, thankful to have something to do, and they know just from looking at her smile that she knows exactly how much it helps. They’re a lot better at talking when they can keep their body occupied. Otherwise, it feels like they’re going to jump out of their skin.

Raphael confirms that they’re well stocked up, which doesn’t come as a surprise, since their deliveries come in magically and so never get late, or lost. Maia has already handled the hygiene and security checks, so they begin to set the tables, and soon she joins them. Almost as soon as that, they fall into an easy, repetitive routine of work, and their mind is suddenly not occupied anymore. Maia seems to simply wait for them to start talking, comfortable in her element and used to the easy routine before the restaurant opens.

“So,” they swallow, trying to get her attention, and she doesn’t avert her eyes from the table, but still nods shortly at them. “I think I’m bigender.”

“Okay,” Maia says, beginning to wipe the table before she can set it.

“Okay,” they repeat, still feeling like they’re psyching themself up. They knew Maia would be nothing but supportive, of course, but… Still. “And that doesn’t surprise you?” They ask, more curious than anything.

Maia finally looks up at them, even stopping her cleaning motions. “Your name is Bat,” she says.

“That’s from Bartholomew,” Bat counters, frowning, even as they kind of wince at the name. They never liked it, which- is stereotypical, but true. Besides, it just sounds plain ugly.

“Bartholomews are nicknamed Bart,” she counters, “you specifically chose to make another nickname, that’s more neutral sounding and the name of a random animal that’s usually considered yucky. If that’s not a nonbinary move, I don’t know what is.”

She has a point. Still, they cross their arms briefly, just on principle. They struggled with this for years, more than they’ve spent struggling with having been Turned, and the whole thing feels very anticlimactic.

“I’m glad you told me,” she says, honestly. “Are you going to change your pronouns? It’s okay if you haven’t decided yet,” she adds quickly.

“Uh, I’m testing them out,” Bat admits. “I think- they and she both work. I’m not against he, but…” they trail off. But it feels a little invalidating, especially as they barely started transitioning. But they know that Maia understands this.

“Okay,” she says. “I’m happy for you. Thank you for telling me." Then, after a little thoughtful pause, "Do you want to talk about it? Your process? Or did you just want me to know?”

“I, uh,” they stumble a little, unsure of how to go on with words. “I was hoping you could, help me? With the transition? You know, teach me,” they make a vague gesture with their arms, “how.”

She smiles, something almost like laughter. “There’s no ‘how’, Bat. It all depends on what you want.”

“Well, yes, but I can’t just,” they gesture at themself, “stay like this.”

Maia frowns. “You could, if you wanted to. There’s no right or wrong way to be trans, Bat. And- well, I don’t know that for sure, but I think when you’re nonbinary, figuring out how you want to present is trickier. It’s a big spectrum. So there's also that, but even if there weren't, you don’t have to change your appearance at all. Or if you do, you can take it slow, see what seems right for you.”

They frown. “Didn’t you start ttransitioning pretty much as soon as you figured out you were trans?” They ask.

“Well, yes,” she says, a little sheepish. “But I was desperate. I- really wanted to look ‘like a girl’,” she does little air quotes, “and I knew I wanted to run away from home, so I had to figure out a way to do that before I left. And then there was Jordan.” She looks away.

Right. Of course. Jordan wanted her to look like a real girl as soon as possible. Bat almost slaps themself in their insensitivity. “I’m sorry,” they say.

She smiles, an affectionate, precious thing. “It’s not your fault,” she says, and they’re happy to see she isn’t fully hiding the pain in her eyes; Jordan is not a topic that destroys her anymore, but it’ll always be an ugly scar, and they’re happy that Maia trusts them enough to see the glimpses of hurt that still linger when he’s brought up.

She starts putting the vases on the table. The flowers today are a delicate yellow, blooming with the promise of vividness. Courtesy of Meliorn, Bat knows.

“I’m just saying that my case- well, it was mine. Yours is yours. If I had had more time, I might have taken it slower. Gone to a doctor, maybe. I don’t know,” she shrugs. “So you have time to figure out what you want, and how you want it. You know we’ll all support you.”

“I do,” they answer easily, fiddling a little with their hands. It feels almost silly, the nervousness they had felt, even as they knew it was more their fear of voicing it for the first time than anything. “Thank you for that, by the way.”

Maia smiles. “No problem, Bat.”

They have to turn around to hide a smile. Which is ridiculous. Maia has called them Bat their whole lives. There’s nothing different about this.

And yet, the smile stays.

#look. i'm working on a Very Big Fic and wanted to do something dumb #and i got myself into a trans bat rabbit hole #as you do #when you're me #so like #this happened #i wrote it in like half an hour but it's fluffy and i like the concept so like here it is #sh #shadowhunters #.maia roberts #bat velasquez #trans maia roberts #trans bat velasquez

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someonefantastic · 4 years ago

Text

I Think I need a Doctor

Fun fact, I started this whole month out with a mini bucket list and this fic was one of two things on there. I really wanted to do some Karen whump since she is so underrated and this idea spawned during a convo about Deez Nups with the psych discord. It's a little different from my usual but I hope y'all enjoy it nonetheless! Summary: Fun fact, I started this whole month out with a mini bucket list and this fic was one of two things on there. I really wanted to do some Karen whump since she is so underrated and this idea spawned during a convo about Deez Nups with the psych discord. It's a little different from my usual but I hope y'all enjoy it nonetheless! Warnings: hospitals, miscarriage, nausea, blood also on ao3 (recommended cause this gets long) ___ Karen sighed. The women’s restroom in the police department wasn’t the most ideal place but it had been an extremely long day and she needed answers. All week she had been feeling tired and nauseous- frankly, she would have chalked it up to sickness but then she remembered that she had also missed her period which caused her thoughts to go elsewhere.

That was at 8 am and since then, she had been called down to a murder scene, the victim turned out to be an old police chief, had to deal with two ex-cops butting heads with her consultants, and comfort her detective after some sexist remarks. So she shoved the thought to the back of her head- or at least tried to. But the curiosity remained growing bit by bit. Eventually, the anticipation became too great and she had used much of her break running to the drug store and waiting in the women’s restroom.

Glancing at her watch for what felt like the millionth time, she took a deep breath noting that the three minutes were finally up. Her hands shook as she picked up the small piece of plastic, stilling herself for what answers it might hold. Her eyes widened as she saw the results.

Two clear pink lines.

She was pregnant.

Naturally, she’d have to confirm it with a doctor first but judging by all of her other symptoms, she was pretty sure it was true.

Leaning heavily against the stall door, reality started to sink in. A smile began to spread across her face, her breath coming out in huffy laughter.

“Holy crap, I’m pregnant.” She breathed, staring at the results, her heart beating rapidly. Her smile had turned into a full out grin, joy rising in her chest. She and Richard hadn’t exactly been trying but they weren’t being safe either. They had always wanted another kid but due to both of their ages, had never really thought it would happen. But now…

She resisted the urge to jump up and down. She couldn’t wait to tell Richard. ___ Walking through the front door, she barely paused to throw her keys in the bowl and shed her heels before seeking out her husband. She found him tucking Iris into bed and paused in the doorway to watch them. He was reading the four-year-old a story- If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, her favorite- but the peaceful atmosphere was short-lived as her daughter saw her.

“Mommy!” She yelled, reaching out with grabby hands and Karen smiled, pushing off of the doorway to sit on her bed beside her.

“Hello sweetheart, I’m sorry I’m late.”

“Isokay.” Iris shrugged before giving her a gap-tooth smile. “Did you catch any bad guys?”

“Tons of them.” She leaned forward, placing a kiss on her daughter’s forehead. “Did you have fun with daddy?”

“Mhmm,” She nodded vigorously, “We went to the park and had hot dogs and I fell off the swings!”

Karen raised an eyebrow at her husband who smiled sheepishly, “It was just a small fall, she’s okay.”

“I got a Wonder Woman bandaid, wanna see?” Karen didn’t have time to blink before the covers were pushed back and her pajama pants leg was rolled up, revealing a red bandaid on her knee. “Can you kiss it better?”

After exchanging amused looks with Richard, she bent down, pressing her lips against the wound. “There… all better.”

“Thank you,” Iris beamed, settling back into bed. “You can read more daddy.”

Richard laughed, “Sure thing pumpkin.”

After two more books- because of course, Iris needed her mom to read also- she and Richard gave their daughter one last kiss. Bidding their goodnights, they shut the door a little behind them, finally alone. Karen was suddenly very aware of just how nervous she was. It was big, life-changing news and while she was excited, it still made her stomach clench with anticipation and anxiety.

They made their way into the bedroom, out of earshot of their little one, before Richard turned around, arms crossed as he leaned casually against the bed. “So, how was work, really? I mean, obviously, you had to work late.”

“Yeah,” She sighed, shedding her suit coat and tossing it in the hamper. “An ex-police chief got murdered and now he’s suspected of laundering drugs. You can imagine the kind of PR nightmare this is gonna be.”

He frowned nose wrinkling, “That does not sound fun. I’m sorry.”

She shrugged, “Well hopefully our detectives and consultants come up with something.” She shook her head, giving a little wave. “But enough with work, I have something I need to tell you.” Shifting a little, she bit her lip.

Sitting up straighter, he raised an eyebrow, clearly picking up on her mood. “Yeah? What?”

“Well…” She started, reaching into her pocket and pulling out the pregnancy test that had weighed heavily there for most of the afternoon. “I’m pregnant.”

His jaw dropped, eyes going wide and she thought for a brief second that he may have been upset. But his face quickly broke out into a smile, leaping off the bed and pulling her into his arms.

“Holy crap, we’re gonna have another kid.” He gasped, burying his nose into her hair.

“Yeah…” The tears of joy that had been threatening to fall all afternoon finally did fall, slipping down her cheeks to land on his shirt.

They were going to be parents again, their family was going to grow. It was amazing and wonderful and she just couldn’t wait. ___ The next few weeks were a whirlwind of babies and cases. An appointment with her doctor confirmed that yes indeed she was pregnant, putting her at about four weeks along. She half-listened to his warnings about overexerting herself since miscarriage at her age was so common but she waved away those doubts. There was no use worrying over something that hopefully wouldn’t happen.

Shortly after that, they sat Iris down and told her the news. She was elated at the idea that she was going to be a big sister almost instantly berating her parents with an onslaught of questions about the baby. For the next two weeks straight, all her drawings were of her and her brother or sister.

As for her and Richard, they were thriving. They both decided to not tell any of their coworkers or extended family until the second trimester, not wanting to get any of their hopes up in the off chance that something went wrong. But they didn’t have any fear. Keeping the knowledge just to their little family made the whole experience feel more intimate. Sure they did have a few slips ups- especially since Iris couldn’t keep a secret- and she noticed her detectives giving her a few odd looks every now and again, particularly when she left early for a doctor’s appointment- but for the most part, the knowledge stayed between the three of them.

Between pulling Iris’ old baby stuff out of the attic, taking vitamins, working, and getting morning sickness, it felt like Karen’s life had gone to a new level of crazy. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t love it. The idea of having another baby was exciting and fun and caused her to seek Richard out and steal a kiss or two on several occasions. Of course, some days weren’t as great, like when she’d feel sick all day or wouldn’t get home until late or Richard had to travel for work, but regardless, she was still happy.

Truth be told though, she barely had enough time to focus on the baby or any preparations due to her job. It seemed like lately the crazies were just getting crazier. Not only did she have to deal with a hostage situation- on a boat of all things- two convicts wound up escaping, launching a manhunt. Then after that, there was a serial killer who was picking off people from a liver donation list, her consultants started acting weird, and somehow they wound up implicated in aiding an enemy agent. Of course, the Feds had to be called in which was a nightmare in of itself, and then her detective asked for two weeks off- which she was more than happy to give to her considering everything O’Hara had been through as of late- which was shortly followed by a retraction and a request to aid her partner in extraditing a convinced criminal back to the states.

So to say life was crazy may have been an understatement. It was downright insane.

On top of all of that, she had started feeling worse and worse and she worried for her unborn baby, fearing that getting sick could cause problems. But, luckily, she had a rare Saturday off and she was insistent on using it to relax and spend time with her daughter and husband.

And she did exactly that.

Sitting outside in the warm fall Santa Barbara air, she smiled, watching Iris run around the yard. Her daughter was playing her new favorite game, doggy princess, which basically was her running around and doing dog-like things. Laughing, Karen sent a content smile at her husband who exchanged the look and reached out a hand to cover hers.

“I can’t wait for Iris to have a sibling.” He squeezed her hand and her smile grew.

She glanced down, her hand rested on her stomach, fingers brushing the very small bump. “Me too, it’ll be good for her to have a playmate.”

He hummed in agreement, picking up her hand to press his lips against it. “I love you, dear.”

“I love you too.”

Turning back to their daughter, she frowned as her stomach clenched for what felt like the hundredth time that day. She had felt crampy pretty much all morning and well into the afternoon but had shaken it off. She worried that it would turn into morning sickness- after all, it had been a few days since she last got sick and she wasn’t looking forward to that again. She was never one to feed into her worries though and figured that if it continued into the next day, then she would call her doctor.

She turned her head, looking at her husband through tired eyes and he frowned. “Still feeling bad?”

She nodded lazily, “I guess I forgot how much being pregnant can suck sometimes.”

He gave a short laugh, leaning forward to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “It’ll all be worth it though.”

“You bet your butt it will.”

She closed her eyes, letting the sun warm her. She wasn’t planning on taking a nap- after all a four-year-old made that particularly difficult- but resting her eyes seemed like a good idea. With a sigh, she relaxed, letting her stress and worry ease away.

She didn’t get very far into her quiet time before she felt a warm wetness between her legs. Groaning, she stood up and started walking towards the house.

“Where are you going?” Richard asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I think I wet myself.” When his eyes widened, she rolled hers. “Remember? It happened all the time when I was pregnant with Iris. It’s just my luck that it’d happen with this one too.”

He frowned, “I’m sorry darling.”

“It’s fine,” She shrugged, “I’ll meet you inside for snack time?”

“Of course.”

She sighed again as she headed into the living room and snagged a clean pair of underwear from the laundry basket- thankful for once that she put off doing chores. Wandering into the downstairs bathroom, she stripped out of her pants and peeled back her panties, blood running cold. They were stained with a dark red.

She quickly changed, hands moving of their own accord as her mind raced. Exiting the bathroom, she made wide-eyed contact with her husband who paused his trek into the kitchen, picking up on her distress.

“What’s wrong?”

Swallowing heavily, her hands gripped the doorframe, knuckles turning white. “I think I need a doctor.” ___ The wait in the ER had been quick- only lasting about ten minutes- but to Karen, time crawled by. Waiting for the test results was even worse, the nurse had hastily taken blood, asked a few questions, then rushed off. Iris had been dropped off at her nephew’s house with little explanation which left the two of them to their thoughts and worries.

She wrung her hands, a terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach. It felt weird sitting on a hospital bed, after all the last time she had been in the hospital was when Iris was born and those memories did little to quell her nerves. Richard stood behind her, hands working her shoulders and she was grateful for his presence. If he had been on a business trip… she shook her head, now wasn’t the time for what-ifs.

“It’ll be okay.” She heard him say, though she wasn’t sure if it was to her or himself.

She didn’t have the heart to reply nor did she need to as a knock sounded on the door.

“Come in,” Richard called and a doctor walked in, holding a clipboard close to his chest.

“Chief Vick, Mr. Vick,” He greeted with a nod of his head. “My name is Dr. Phillips, I’m sorry for the wait.”

“It’s okay,” She replied, “Thank you for seeing us so quickly.”

“Well with something so-” He waved his free hand, “Serious, we wanted to get you in fast.”

Her stomach clenched. “Serious?”

He nodded solemnly. “Yes. I’m terribly sorry for this news but your blood work- and symptoms described- indicated that you’re having a miscarriage.”

Even though she had her suspicions, the words still hit her hard, knocking the air from her lungs. Her blood ran cold and she felt like she might throw up. Their child- the kid that they had been so excited about- was gone.

“In addition to your miscarriage,” He continued and she glanced up, barely registering his words, “Due to your age, I’m afraid you won’t be able to have any more children without serious complications. I’m very sorry.”

It felt like a punch to the gut, except she had experienced those before and this was so much worse. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think straight. The world was falling apart around her, crashing to pieces. Her fingers found Richard’s, holding his hand as if her life depended on it- right now it felt like it did.

“Do- do you know the gender?” Richard spoke up, his voice sounding distant and shaky.

Dr. Phillips nodded, “While it’s not one-hundred percent accurate, the results of some blood tests indicate that the baby would have been a boy.”

“A boy.” He whispered, and her heart twisted again. They could have had a boy.

“I’ll give you two a few minutes.” The doctor said, though she barely registered his words.

Once he left the room, Richard climbed onto the bed, legs on either side of her, and wrapped his arms around her stomach, burning her face into her neck. She couldn’t even relax into his touch though, her body too stiff, too shocked to even move. Numbness felt all-consuming aside from the constant ache in her abdomen, stomach cramping with broken dreams- a signal that what they had longed for had officially come to an end.

She didn’t even realize she was crying until he wiped at her tears with his thumb and suddenly, all her emotions couldn’t get out fast enough. Her face crashed into her palms as sobs wracked her body. Behind her, she felt Richard tremble, his own tears beginning to fall. Her chest ached, lungs heaving as she grieved- because that’s what this really was, it was grieving. Grieving the loss of their unborn son, grieving the opportunity to have another child, grieving the joy that would have come with it.

They sobbed for what felt like hours until tears no longer fell and her cries turned to dry heaving. Her sleeves and back were wet, soaked by their combined tears but she didn’t care, too focused on the ache inside her chest. Leaning against him, she took a shuddered breath and he wrapped his arms across her chest, her hands coming up to grip his forearms.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered. “I lost our baby.”

She could feel him shake his head. “Absolutely not Karen.” His voice was scratchy from unuse. “You didn’t lose anything. It happens.”

“It happened to us.” She took another shaking breath. “We were going to have a son.”

He sniffled. “I know.”

The pain increased as a thought crossed her mind, “How do we tell Iris?”

His breath hitched, “I don’t know… oh gosh this sucks so much.”

Nodding mutely, she closed her eyes, letting stray tears slip down her cheeks. “How are we going to get through this?” She mumbled.

“I don’t know,” He repeated, “but we’ll get through this together. We always do.”

Swallowing roughly, she nodded. “Thank you for being here… I love you.”

“I love you too. For better or for worse remember?”

“For better or for worse.” She echoed. ___ Two years later and the pain had faded, though not completely. Some days seeing mothers with new babies or families with lots of kids brought her back to that hospital- to pouring her emotions out on that bed and feeling that pain. But time had gone by, Iris was 6 now having recently started first grade, she was still chief and loving it. Life was still moving forward, and definitely for the better.

Her head detective was getting married and she sat in a dressing room, watching his bride-to-be get ready for her big day. She talked about how excited she was to be marrying him and Karen smiled, reflecting on her own wedding day all those years ago. She knew first hand that marriage had its ups and downs and she didn’t hesitate to tell the woman exactly that- about her occasional dreams of running away to the South of France, about Richard’s failed attempts to make eggs florentine or how he knew exactly what she needed on a stressful day. Her heart twisted and she yearned to tell them all about her miscarriage, that even in the hard times, it would all be worth it but she stopped, knowing that now wasn’t the time.

Instead, she began talking about what might have been. About her dreams of Richard being there for the birth of their child- about their son. “Oh, or that day when he walks into your hospital room holding your newborn son, and he will lay him gently on your chest, and he tells you that you look beautiful, even though you know you look like hell frozen over…” They chuckled and she smiled fondly, “And it all will be worth it.”

The moment was cut short as the maid of honor began complaining about her parole officer but she didn’t mind, jumping on the opportunity to help out- and thankful for the distraction. And later, when her detective cornered her, asking about why she said son when Iris exists, she didn’t hesitate to share what happened, reminding her that all relationships had pain but often the pain was worth it.

Watching her detectives dance and party, she smiled. Yes, she didn’t get to have more kids but her family wasn’t small. While the pain was still there, there was also hope. She had found her family and while it was unconventional, she wouldn’t have had it any other way.

#whumptober2020 #no. 29 #i think i need a doctor #emergency room #psych #karen vick #chief vick #richard vick #iris vick #hospitals tw #miscarriage tw #blood tw #nausea tw #fanfic #psych fanfic #skipps writes

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madzilla84 · 5 years ago

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VidCon London 2020

I wrote up some rambly thoughts on Vidcon, my trip, and Phil day!

I arrived in London the night before the others, last Thursday (a week ago?? WOT), so went straight to my friend’s place in London – we went to a pub near his for pizza, and while I was there I saw Dan’s cute tweet. After a few wines, it made me super emotional as you can imagine. I love him. <3

We had some more drinks once we got back, which made the next morning … well.

Friday – Day 1

YUP, HANGOVER. But luckily not a ‘can’t function’ hangover, so once I’d packed up I made my way over to the Airbnb (it was fuckin WIMDY) to leave the luggage (too early to check in). The previous occupants were a group of Lads who’d left the place in a state, so it was still being cleaned. HONESTLY BOYS SMH)

Then I headed to the complex’s on-site café (ooh errr) and spent some time trying to figure out what to write in the card I wanted to give to Phil. My roomies @yikesola, @ahappydnp and @calvinahobbes arrived a little later and we checked into the flat, and basically hung out and chatted until it was time to head to registration. Which was a good decision as the line was super small on Friday night. Gotta say, the feeling of seeing Phil so big and so central on all the banners and posters for the con made me feel so proud of him. As other people have mentioned, there was some – curiosity, I guess? Worry? – about whether it would be weird seeing him there doing his first event like this on his own in a *very* long time, but somehow it wasn’t, at any point.

We spotted Martyn checking in further down the hall, which was probably the first moment it all started to Feel Real. We (slightly awkwardly at first in my case lol) met a bunch of online folks in the registration area, and tagged along for a cable car ride over the river (did I mention it was WIMDY) to the O2 arena for dinner. When we all sat down to eat I realised I was sitting opposite two friends from IDB! \o/ We headed back after the meal to hang out and PREPARE for what was about to come.

Saturday - Day 2 - PHIL DAY

We started off by going for breakfast – naturally pancakes – and then headed across to the con. The first event of the day was the comedy panel that Phil was on, so we went across to the panel room early and ended up sitting through the panel before that one, ‘Out and Online’, which was probably – Phil notwithstanding – the better of the two I saw.

During that first panel – and really all morning up to that point – I’d started to feel increasingly nervous. I’d never met Dan or Phil before, and the fact it was happening imminently was suddenly hitting me. Not to mention it was very hot in the panel room that day, and – yeah. By the time the LGBT+ panel finished, I was just like the *screaming internally* meme.

The only other time I’d seen D&P in person with my own eyes was at Interactive Introverts – non-VIP, and I was quite far from the stage, so I couldn’t see them well, y’know? So when the panellists walked in for the comedy panel, I turned around and saw Phil properly in person for the first time. And… wow. I’m sure I hardly need to tell anyone on this forum how attractive he is, but I was just blown away by how beautiful he is in person. He just seems to, like, glow.

And I was absolutely in love with his jacket, which I thought was new at first (it took me a while to place it was the one from the II promo photos). He just looked wonderful, and I went full Heart Eyes Motherfucker as he took his seat with the others. And once I’d actually seen him, somehow I felt less anxious and stressed.

The panel was okay – I wasn’t familiar with the other attendees and I’m not sure theirs is the sort of content I’d necessarily watch – lots of prank vids and the like, but they def had some fans in the room. But it was obvious the majority of the attendees were there for Phil, and I noticed him looking around the room at all the people there for him throughout, making eye contact with lots of people. I’m sure he made brief eye contact a couple of times, which made me go !!!!! It was obvious the panelists were at quite different stages of their careers, which was a little dissonant sometimes, but also quite sweet – Phil was very encouraging to the younger, more inexperienced members of the panel, which was very lovely. Lucky them to have such a kind senpai.

After that we only had a quick break (mainly to down water after being boiled to death in the panel room) before it was time to get in line for Phil’s meet and greet. The wait for him to arrive was weirdly fast but also interminably long, and I spent most of it panicking about what I was going to say to Actual Phil Lester in a matter of minutes.

But soon enough he arrived, shook hands with the photographer, did a lil hop to wave to everyone in the crowd who was waving at him, and then off we went.

I wasn’t sure what to expect – I’ve had pics before with celebs at conventions, and every con is different in how they handle photos. Some really rush you through, but this one was pretty good, I thought – you had plenty of time to say whatever you wanted to say, or give gifts – I thought we were supposed to leave them in a box somewhere, but no, we were to give them directly to Phil, who had a little table to put them on. Obviously I wanted to give him a hug, too, but would I be too awkward to ask for one once I actually got up there, I wondered?

But as it turned out I needn’t have worried; I could watch people meeting him from where we were in the line, and from the very first person, he opened his arms for a big hug from everyone who went up to meet him. Watching people running into his arms was making me really emotional – he just has such a great connection with his people. You could tell he was happy to be there and liked meeting us all. He took so many cute photos with people. We noticed he had a Sharpie and was signing things, which we hadn’t been told about beforehand, so I hadn’t brought anything special - ended up getting him to sign my con badge as a souvenir.

There were 3 of us, and @yikesola took one for the team and volunteered to go first. I watched how much fun they were having, how easily they chatted and hugged and posed for their cute photo and thought to myself, please don’t be a total buffoon when you go up there…

Soon enough it was my turn. Walking up for these things is always nervewracking and awkward – except this time, once it was time, Phil turned around, looked at me, smiled and opened his arms and I knew it would be okay.

I walked over and hugged him, and he probably had to bend down quite a lot, lol. I reached up over his shoulder to hug him, which meant being on tiptoes, of course; as many people have said in the past, he didn’t let go until you did. He was so gentle. <3 I maybe hugged him for a little longer than I might usually with someone I didn’t know because of it; he just has such comforting and welcoming vibes. And no, before anyone asks, I didn’t notice what he smelled like – we were talking about it after and I don’t think any of us did. I don’t in general unless someone’s wearing reasonably strong perfume/cologne, I don’t think, unless I’m hugging them for a really long time. ANYWAY.

The now-famous jacket (which looked so good!!) was soft AF. I handed over my lil gift – he spotted the chocolate and was pretty happy about that.

I then had a little time to talk to him but, like, how do you condense into a few seconds what someone means to you, how much they’ve helped you or how much you appreciate them? So I ended up going with one of the main reasons I came to love Phil so much as a creator – someone around my age still making such fun content. I don’t mean it like, ‘wow, at your age!!’ lol, which I’m not sure he would have appreciated, more like – when you get to a certain age, people often expect you to leave certain interests and behaviours aside (we see it all the time with these ‘ew people over 30 in fandom?? Gross’ posts), and Phil is still being himself and doing what he wants and not letting that affect him, and I just think that’s really great and it’s meant a lot to me. So we talked about that a bit. He said you should be able to be creative at any age. <3 Talking to him wasn’t like I expected – I don’t know what I expected, really, but I thought he might have more of a – nervous energy, maybe? Or just a bit more – y’know, ‘AmazingPhil’? But no, he was chill and confident and had this ease about him that was so comforting in person. I know he’s an introvert and probably holed up on the couch for a week after meeting all those people (hard same), but he really is so good at talking to people and making them feel at ease; everyone looked so happy walking away from him.

About halfway through the convo I had to work really hard to keep my brain on track and not just descend into babbling nonsense because he was looking me in the eye and listening attentively and bruh!!! That is … a hell of a thing! Not only is he so beautiful, but he really listens, and cares about what you’re saying, and is actually interested and not just going ‘uh huh, uh huh …’ like other celebs can do. His expression and demeanour was so friendly and open and welcoming, and honestly I just felt like I could talk to him for hours.

We then posed for the official photo they took, and hugged for it – when I’ve had other photo ops in the past where I’m standing close to the person I’ve been prone to nervous giggling, but this time I felt really relaxed and happy.

And that was it! I reluctantly said goodbye and headed off and was so flustered I a) forgot my little card to collect my photo, the guy had to chase after me, though it looked like everyone was doing that because they were on cloud 9, and b) picked up someone else’s sequin Dan bag from the bag pile. (Which I immediately noticed because I had a keychain and pin on mine, but I mean they *are* identical.) We went to get food and download our photos and watch all the videos we took. Even though I now had pics, I still almost couldn’t believe it was actually real.

And, wow. We were just floating for the rest of the day. It was such a wonderful, positive experience and I’m so glad it worked out that I was able to meet Phil. I didn’t think I could love him more but after that day I definitely did. Obviously, because it’s me, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I said to him and how I said it and was it the right thing and did I say it right and lejslkdjkjfkdhks, but at the end of the day he was lovely, I said more or less what I wanted to say (of course there’s more I’d have wanted to say, but there’s never enough time), and it went wonderfully well. So I really shouldn’t worry too much.

We paid a quick visit to the AP shop booth in the Expo Hall – they didn’t have a ton of stuff but they had all the t-shirts (I think it was just all the t-shirts, corgi jumper, corgi keychains, glitch hoodie), so I bought the yellow Try New Things shirt from Sarah. (And got a free pixel Phil sticker; they really want to get rid of those huh)

The only other Phil-event for the day was his appearance at the Night of Awesome that evening, so we went along for that. Apparently the theme of the evening was ‘collaboration’, so most of the performers didn’t appear by themselves aside from a couple of music acts. But it quickly descended into madness – most of the performances were some sort of challenge which involved the loser getting a pie to the face or gunged – i.e. perfect Saturday night entertainment if you’re ten. So maybe it was more aimed at kids, I thought, until one of the music acts started swearing up a STORM and a load of horrified parents started dragging their kids out while I almost died trying not to laugh. There was a lot of TikTok stuff, but the animators challenge was pretty good and a couple of the music acts were great.

You probably read about the guy who crashed the performance to make an offensive anti-trans joke and then got chased out by security … when I figured out who it was later I wasn’t surprised, he’s done stupider shit in the past, but Vidcon didn’t react very well to it right away. Throughout the event I generally thought security and staff were very good, but they really dropped the ball on this. The music act gamely carried on though, as did a number of other acts after them, and *just* as everyone had pretty much lost the will to live, Phil randomly appeared on stage with Kian and JC (…no, me neither) along with a science Youtuber. Yay! I thought his bit was really cute; kind of random but that made sense when he explained the original plan had gone awry shortly before the show started. He was *so* into it and I thought it was so sweet how, again, he kept looking for his people in the crowd. He was so confident on stage and even when the stuff he was being asked to do was so random and weird he just owned it, went for it and made it funny. Thomas Sanders came on after science!Phil to do a very wholesome set which kind of saved the evening, lol.

And that was the end of Phil day! Naturally we had to order Domino’s in the evening after our emotional and intense day (and to recover from whatever tf most of that concert was). I feel like I’ve become some sort of addict, and now the rest of my existence will be sad and grey until I can hug Phil again (which might well be never). I have peaked. I also remembered what I like so much about (good) conventions; being with your people and feeling so free to express yourself and what you love - between the phannies and the fanders there were so many pride flags, and so many people walking around wearing merch. (Also it was the first con I’d ever been to where there were no cosplayers! Which is unsurprising given it’s youtube fandom, but still – new experience.)

Sunday - Day 3

Sunday we slept in after staying up until like 3am chatting (whoops), so I missed jacksepticeye’s panel but I did get to the Buzzfeed Unsolved/Watcher one, which was really funny. I wish I’d gotten to meet the boys but what can you do. I also went to the Expo Hall and met PJ (who was very nice, and friendly!! But had exactly that nervous energy I was talking about earlier, which I’m more accustomed to when I meet celebs at cons; Phil really is something special), and bought a few enamel pins, because ENAMEL PINS.

And then … the worst bit of any con, people started to leave. :( My 3 roomies left first, which was the worst bit of the weekend. I ended up tagging along with some twitter friends to get coffee, and we ended up sitting around for like 3 hours outside the cloakroom because no one wanted to leave.

We found out about Dan’s half marathon during this time, and I know people have this view of phannies like we’re all obsessive, invasive weirdos who just want to find out things for – I dunno, clout? But honestly everyone there was so proud of him and just like the whole weekend, it was great to be with people who understood. Like, I can hardly tell a co-worker that a youtuber I follow ran a marathon, they’d be like - okay, and…? So it was nice to sit there and sort of – celebrate it, in our own lil way.

We all parted ways on the train - I went back to my friend’s and watched Phil’s liveshow there, which was really a perfect way to end the weekend. I’m glad it sounded like he had such a nice time at Vidcon. Someone tweeted about him seeing all the people who had come to see just him and how excited they were to see him, and that warmed my heart. And hopefully his too.

The next day I returned to the Excel to have pizza lunch with the last two friends who were still in town, which really helped with the post-con blues, and then it really was it. Since then I’ve been hanging out at my friend’s flat and taking a couple of trips out to various shops or whatever, but I’ve mostly been tired and lazy and catching up on sleep a bit.

As I mentioned, I’m now a filthy addict. I will be … keeping an eye on future vidcons/events, for sure. >_> And I might be back in London in April, maybe. >_> many thoughts head full

#vidcon ldn #phil #long post #*announcement moose* i love phil

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