#which is sad. but i do like the amped form more anyway so | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

binniesthighs · 4 years ago

Text

multifandom soulmate aus ✨

soulmate (n): a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.

✨ a/n: hello hello!! today on, “Ro’s self indulgent fics” ehehe i’ve been thinking a lot about some of my favorite kpop besties and how i feel like sometimes in a group, there’s the members who just stick like glue and it’s kinda like they were destined to meet that way! anyway hehe this concept is so fkn cute to me so i wanted to make some poly r-ship headcannons with some of my favorites!

➛ disclaimer: the pairings that i use are def not all inclusive of all “soulmate” pairings out there, just the ones i know of atm! also, i know some of these groups better than others, so some will be more specific, and others a little more general!

✨ groups included: stray kids, ateez, the boyz, monsta x, seventeen, txt, bts

✨ feedback is always appreciated! who’s your favorite?✨

➛maybe if we’re feelin’ spicy i can do a part 2 with the ones i haven’t done yet ;)

Pairing: idol x female reader x idol (see fandoms above!)

Genre: fluff n’ smut

Tags: established r/ship au, poly r-ship, sexual content (the usual stuff also including unprotected sex-please stay safe!) comfort ahhh, mentions of food alcohol

*all photocreds go to ops :)

both sfw and nsfw under the snip snip!

♡ chanlix ♡

sfw

omg where the hell do i start with chanlix we love our cannon soulmates

arguably the softest fkn pairing on this list; being soulmates with chanlix is like meeting your other halves (thirds?). there’s some serious destiny at work here!!

the three of you understand each other on a spiritual level--almost to the point where you could likely read their minds if you wanted to try haha. there’s also a really, really strong type of emotional intimacy that you share with them that’s out of this world.

this soulmate bond is so fkn strong, the three of you could go through any hardships and come out of it stronger than ever!

the three of you have cute lil nicknames for eachother that you thought up yourselves!

your families are close as heck! it’s really pure how by the three of you so many people can get close ahhh

i think that chanlix would be really into more outdoorsy dates? camping, swimming, hiking, sightseeing, stargazing, picnics etc! felix also loves taking you on food tours!

bc chan is chan, he really takes on such a protective role over you and felix, he would quite literally do anything for you two: forgot your notebook or documents on the way to work/school? he’ll drop everything to bring them to you. sad? he’ll get you your favorite food, tons of blankets, his hoodie to wear and your favorite movie/tv show to watch with you! if anyone hurts your feelings too he will square tf up.

felix is the world’s most adoring boyfriend in so, so many ways. not only is he such a cuddle bug, he shows you that he cares with tons of acts of service similar to chan! this comes in the form of his baking of course and other silly little gifts he sees that reminds you of him. he isn’t the best at words sometimes, but will soothe you by giving you a little massage or by playing with your hair!

nsfw

okay...😏 damn i’ve been wanting to write some poly chanlix so fkn bad ahhhh

once again i really see chan taking the lead in more intimate situations. he really likes giving directions and seeing both you and felix carry them out! honestly he gets a bit of an ego boost seeing the both of you all whiny and fucked out ahhh

here i come with my softsub!felix agenda oops hehe but this boy is frickin’ angelic for you and chan oml, he always asks for permission before he does things and eats praise up with a fkn spoon. praises alone really get him off: “does lixie like it when i play with his cute cock like this?”

there’s something that gets the three of you ridiculously amped when you do all kinds of roleplay scenarios FRICK some favorites are pet play (you and lix being the kitties) teacher/student, roleplaying strangers, sex slaves, artist/muse, oh my god there was a halloween where you once did vampire roleplay you still think about it 🤤

since the three of you are so comfortable with eachother, experimentation feels really safe! for example, the suggestion of shibari came up and now....let’s just say lix looks really pretty tied up ;)

chan’s got a huuuuge (cock) and size kink!! he really likes topping both you and lix and seeing a bulge omg.... also when he can bulge your throats mmmhm!

felix loves it especially when you ride his face, and he cold do it for hours! he looks so cute between your legs when he licks over and over your clit. he’ll ask you too if he’s doing good and you better say yes ;)

favorite position would be all cuddled up and cozy with the two of them double penetrating you real nice and slow with tons of kisses and just touchin’ all over

cockwarming cockwarming all day, every single time, without fail, it feels wrong if you finish without it!

♡ woosan ♡

sfw

idk why but the first thing that comes to my mind is that in certain settings, ya’ll are loud as fuck AHA i guess what i mean to say as that as a trio, you are all super, super unapologetic and confident when around each other! this might have lead to you getting kicked out of a couple bowling alleys and karaoke places before...

there’s a type of unspoken understanding that the three of you have that makes your bond so special. while you love eachother so dearly, it isn’t something that you really feel needs to be said out loud, it kind of just is!

woosan are already really clingy on their own and when you come along?? you all can’t keep your hands off each other!! ya know how in movies there’s the whole “hand in the back pocket of your jeans???” woosan!!

their energy together is so fkn chaotic but that's why you love them! they never fail to make you laugh and this is also the best way that they know how to cheer you up!

Bc the three of you are a bit unbridled, it’s a bit hard to be serious at times when you go on dates/hang out with friends together so often you get some affectionate eye rolls haha

wooyoung is someone that will try anything with you! hehe even if he knows that he mind not be that into it, he’ll still go with you! of course, he might say something snarky but he really does love just spending time with you! wooyoung also shares you with all his friends (changbin, yeonjun) so lowkey it feels like you’re one of the bros at times LOL

san is a big fan of giving you gifts! oh also! words of affirmation too, san is someone who knows your insecurities well, so hypes you tf up all the time!! he especially loves buying things for you that he knows you’ll look pretty in just so he can compliment you ahhh

at the end of the day however, there’s nothing more more that the three of you love than the tightest cuddles ever as you fall asleep! honestly, sometimes its a little too tight haha

nsfw

THESE BOYS FKN RAVISH YOU LIKE YOU’RE A FIVE COURSE MEAL

and of course they expect the same from you as well! i mean....can you blame them??? these boys are sexy as hell and they frickin’ know it!!

i have this super clear image of both of them stripping you down and rubbing massage oil all over your body and then giving you the turn to do it to them my lord...

sort of along this line, temperature play makes these boys feral. wax, ice, blowies with popsicles you name it

both of them really just like being touched all over because they have the prettiest dancer’s bodies and just feeling hands on their muscles makes them loose it.

wooyoung loves to mark the hell out the both of you in a really territorial way: all over your chests and necks even on your thighssss

san, while he often does find himself in sub space, really easily can switch to dom you in the most beautiful way. everything with him is really intimate and raw: if this wasn’t already obvious haha he would like have a hand kink and loves seeing the way that his fingers look pumping in and out of your entrance and how your juices look as well.

back too wooyoung, he’s the king of oral. whether it’s going down on you and sucking at your clit or deep throating with master level skill...foreplay is never boring with him!

in my brain, i can see the both of them filling nearly position so this makes for an interesting dynamic to say the least AHA

every once and a while, they’ll let you take complete control of the both of them while they just sit back and watch you with the most smug-ass grins that you’ll see in your life!

AH another thought: woosan fkn love when you squirt on them, in any way this might look: when you’re nearly screaming in your overstimulation they want it all over them.

favorite position would be 69 threesome style with all of your sloppy moans in-between <3

♡ moonbae ♡

sfw

HEAR ME OUT the king of soulmates that know that they are soulmates but don’t take it seriously in the slightest istg this is my most favorite dynamic ahhhh

there is not one dull day with these two boys, they’ll have you laughing in stiches until you can barely breathe like, the best kind of wheezy, silent laughter ya know what i’m talking about

INSIDE JOKES literally so many inside jokes with the three of you

Kevin is never scared to call your ass out, but that’s bc he knows you so well!! it’s all just jokes don’t ya worry ;)

Along this line, your groupchat like has some random-ass name that’s also an inside joke

Jacob on the other hand is the biggest sweetheart when it comes to you, boy frickin’ melts. There is not a day that goes by when he hasn’t told you he loves ya morning and night.

Also the best listener in the whole world, you can tell him anything and everything and he’s just sit and listen and give advice.

Kevin loves you a ton a ton but just shows it differently! He remembers all the little things about you that you tell him to the point it’s scary how he does it so well

Meme king Kevin would send you memes that remind him of you and Jacob

Lowkey i can see the both of them getting into the cutest petty arguments like which one of them you love more or think is more talented AHA again it’s all in good fun hehe

it goes without saying but...it’s cuddle central up in here.

THEY WOULD SERENADE TF OUT OF YOU oh my god it’s literally heavenly, Kevin would play piano and Jacob would play guitar FRICK

You have oddly specific dates?? Like they would pick a movie to go see that the three of you would all hate just to meme the whole time. Jacob would still get invested accidentally tho.

The way to both of these boy’s hearts is their stomachs so when you cook for them they would quite literally do anything for you

nsfw

ok ok so i’m a baby deobi so this is the gist of what i’m getting (i also did a little research LOL thank you @ deobi smutblr hehe)

firstly i would like to say that i’m manifesting thigh riding with Jacob and i literally can’t think of anything else for some reason just p h e w and BOY does he love it too he thinks its so fkn cute to watch you!

i get heavy, heavy switch vibes from Kevin with maybe some sub leanings??? either way, jacob def has soft dom vibes (oh god and occasional soft sub) to me but also has no problem with you taking control and doing what you like to him if that’s what you desire!

kevin is impatient impatient and does not do well with your teasing. also...loud as hell, like, sometimes you have to tell him that he needs to calm tf down hehe (but of course you love it when he gets like that)

separately, both of them are very different experiences i think: kevin is a fan of hard and fast, kitchen counter over the sofa type stuff sloppy toppy in risky places, and he loves to experiment too!

jacob is also really different where he likes much, much more slow and intimate stuff like missionary, shower sex, real atmospheric stuff like candles and nice scents ahhh BIG fan of really fluffy pet names too like baby, princess, angel etc. super visual too omggg gets hard when you strip for him i think ;)

together it’s a fkn whirlwind i’ll tell ya that. its like, honestly the most unique experience i can think of on this list because the two of them are so different. i will say that it can end up being really giggly and sweet tho!

when it’s the three of you, kevin’s dom side comes out a little more so you’re left with these two lovely boys who want to give you all the attention! it’s lowkey a competition lol

favorite position is when you’re sucking jacob off and kevin gets to do literally whatever the hell he wants with your pussy...i imagine that it might have to do a lot with edging if you ask me ;)

♡ jookyun ♡

sfw

oddly, i find myself soft af for jookyun and idk how to describe it haha (considering that they can often be hard as hellll)

the three of you are also really nonchalant, but this is really in the way that you just feel as if you’ve known eachother for a really long time!

as we know, jookyun were a bit of an enimies to lovers arc (AHA) so with the time that they’ve spent building their bond, it’s strong asf!

i like to think that jooheon and changkyun would really get a ton of artistic inspiration from you for their music. since both of them write and often reflect bc of this, you’re totally their muse! (they’ll write some nasty as hell lyrics thanks to you too LOL)

while our lovely thicc mx boys have unbridled confidence at times, really, they are babie. and they are frickin weak for your pampering.

because of this, the two of them would become flustered as all hell when you do lil things for them!! this could be making them some lunch or just giving them the off compliment that they look a lil extra handsome that day.

your safe place is with them!! ahhh i would also like to add the number of slick ass grabs when you’re in public is a bit off the chain at times ahah

the duality of this r/ship is really something to note LOL when you go out and about when the two of them you certainly get some stares bc they look a lil intimidating at times but when you and your boyfriends cuddle up on the subway you give all passerby's whiplash haahah

Kyun is someone who is insanely romantic. almost to the point that it is cheesy haha he’d treat the both of you to expensive ass dinners, beach vacations and maybe even matching couple’s jewelry like rings or bracelets!

jooheon on the other hand is a little more toned down haha but has another side to him that fkn swells with pride knowing how breathtaking you both are...frankly, his ego skyrockets knowing that he’s got you both for arm candy if this make sense teehee

the three of you call eachother “babe” interchangeably, so it can get a bit confusing when you’re all in the same place and someone says “hey babe?” you need a new nickname ooP

nsfw

hello and here i am to push the sub!changkyun agenda. first and foremost i would like to explain how this man is such a pillow princess with the most lovely bratty edge *sighs* all that kyun wants is for you to fkn use him and do literally whatever the hell you want!! this man daydreams about you riding him right then and there wherever the hell he is.

also, kyun is the king of toys, both using them on you and on himself! need i also say breath play as well in the same giving and receiving form? more than anything he loves it when jooheon wraps his hand around his neck hooooly ahhh he prefers it when you tease his tip with a vibrator until he’s angrily red and begging for you to give him a break just for you to bend down and give a kiss to his pearly head which makes him jolt

jooheon is often more of a soft to hard dom if you ask me and takes care of both you and kyun really well. also... he will manhandle the hell out of you if you feel up for it (cough cough your arm kink for him ) oh shit and his thighs....don't’ even get me started

while the three of you often opt for the hard and fast (even in some more risque places--such as in the recoding studio) there are really some more intimate times that you share too!

on one of changkyun’s vacations, in the middle of the night, when no one was in sight and the hot tub was free for use...it started out as a bit of making out but then turned into something else when you decided to straddle jooheon and he let his hands creep under the straps of your swimsuit...needless to say you were bouncing on both of their dicks while you were warmed by the crackling bubbles

at times, jookyun can get a little needy and impatient without you, so this has lead to a couple situations where you walk in on them letting out their frustrations ;) of course, immediately then they’d love for you to join!

kyun has an oral fixation too, sooo he may or may not love cockwarming with his mouth or sucking your fingers lightly when you go to suck his dick~

♡ junhao ♡

sfw

here me out with this one...but...there’s something really intimate about this relationship?? oh how to put this into words LOL junhao also have an insanely deep bond that really transcends if ya ask me haha

while they both can be really goofy around eachother when comfortable the soulmate vibes are just...immaculate! this is all i can say? all three of you are just so connected in the way that you accept each other for all that you are and just kind of naturally gravitate towards each other even before you really knew that there were romantic feelings involved!

first, i would like to say that out of all the pairings on this list, you three are classy as FUCK. seeing the three of you next to eachother is like seeing literally three models in the flesh. the way that you dress (sometimes even to match a little) is unbelievable bc you all just look so good?

hand holdingggg wherever you go! holding hands across cafe tables, playing with each other’s hands absentmindedly hehe

TRAVEL BUDDIES you would go anywhere with them and take tons of pics!! i mean the prettiest pics

hao shows his love for you in the form of so many things, all of which he makes himself!! you inspire his physical art and drawings which he shares with you and he also loves to take clothes too and personalize them for you!

jun on the other hand would take you to the studioooo and you could watch him danceee oh my gosh he’s literally so breathtaking and he would be dancing just for you with every curve of his body he’s so magical :’) then he’d ask you for feedback and you’d just be speachless...also loves to make you smile!! just being his goofy self he’s the best at it and thinks you’re so cute!

there’s a ton of adoration in this relationship! tons of cute little displays of skinship that might look like a poke in the cheek or the fluffing of their hair ahh

still, i feel like you would have kind of silly little nicknames for them that match their personalities and perhaps...you could have matching phone cases with these nicknames....

in this relationship there’s a ton of quiet moments that are really peaceful and indulgent such as watching sunsets, drinking wine together, just talking about life n stuff like that!

nsfw

hellz yeah we’re in for some more intimate-ass fuckin! but also....😏

this boys are kinky as shit but in like a really classy ass way lolll this is so hard to put into words.

well, i’ll start with junhui catboy agenda so there’s that hehehe he would most def be into pet play: that could be like ears or pretty collars and of course calling you (or him) kitten.

minghao is really versatile and doesn’t really like labels of dom and sub, he just does what he wants and what feels good to him! bc we’re talking about how intimate everything is, the kind of sex that you share with them is often never rushed but really purposeful and even planned sometimes!

i also see there being TONS of sensory items that would come into play with junhao such as flowers, fragrances, aphrodisiacs, all kinds of fabrics for sensory deprovision such as velvet, silk, hemp rope, and so much more!

BOTH OF THEM WOULD SOUND ANGELLIC i see hao as letting out really pretty soft moans that kind of trail on his tongue and jun sort of choking out gasps with a bit of a rasp to them when they cum or they feel turned on

oh god MIRROR SEX that's what i have to say about this

it doesn’t happen often, but sometimes when any one of you would be feeling needy or pent up they can certainly do hard and fast with you between the two of them. especially when this happens, oh my god hao loves it when you moan really breathily into his mouth when you’re pressed against him ooooh shit

and jun loves it when you bite into his shoulder too when he fucks you it just makes him feral

actually, i could really see the three of you recording yourselves, or even taking pictures when you have more intimate moments to look at later, just for your own enjoyment or to get off when you’re without the others

favorite position: hmmm mirror sex with you on top of minghao literally just kissing him and marking his body as jun eats you out until you’re dripping down to minghao’s cock which he jerks off too~

♡ yeonbin ♡

sfw

DON’T TOUCH ME IM SOFT

admittedly i don’t know too much about this pairing but i do know a lil so i wanted to add them!! i also did a lil research hehe

FIRST i would like to say that the three of you would without a doubt have the cutest puppy together, if not one, then two!! they would be little dogs with perfect haircuts and likely have their own instagram account which the three of you would run! they’d be instragram famous of course

LITERALLY EVERY DAY ITS A FIGHT OVER WHOS CUTEST i kid you not this is an ongoing battle you’re all just...so weak for the other ahaha

being in a relationship with them is like being in a relationship with your bestfriends!

dates with the two of them can really range all over the place bc you just like having fun together! movie dates, breakfast dates, ZOO OR AQUARIUM DATES, taking little trips to places you haven’t been before or stay at home dates like having a little indoor picnic!

soobin is really low energy, and would often opt to hang out with you at home or at a cafe while the two of you do your thing together! he lovessss when you bake or cook for him, literally whatever it is he’ll eat it!

his smile is instant serotonin and the reason why you fell in love with him! the two of them together all smiley is your lockscreen!

yeonjunie prefers going out with you clothes shopping and would DEF enable you to dye your hair a color that you’ve always been dying to do! he also loves showing you new music and blushes like heck when you tell him that you like the songs that he picks!

in their own playful ways too, they’d always call you out on your bs LOLL but they just wanna motivate you! they’re your biggest cheerleaders!

Deep down though, both of them are quite cheesy and would love to shower you with alll the stereotypical romance that you can take even if it makes all three of you cringe ahahah

nsfw

NEEEEDY and literally so mf horny on the dl like it’s comical to how soft and shy they can be in real life situations

oh my god this is a godly thought but i see both of them being both switchy as heck but not really bc they like how it feels to be in those different postions but literally....bc no matter what it is they are getting off lolll

i see both of them having sub leanings but can get real bratty if they’re feeling it.

yeonjun does have a dom side to him that just comes with his general confidence that he gets around you! when either of you beg from him he’s ready to let himself loose.

im so sorry but they literally handed pet play to me on a silver platter with cat & dog and there is no going back for me. SO you’re in for puppy, kitty and bunny play (shhhh yeonjun’s got his fox ears too)

WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT HOW ALL OF YOU WOULD LIKE THIGH HIGHS

both of them love being edged to high hell by you...no matter if it hurts...they kinda like it?

at the same time, both of your boyfriends also love giving you all the attention at times too! i’m talking about one of them playing with your breasts while the other trails kisses down your body all the way down to your pussy aching for attention too

FUCK this might be just me but soobin eating you out>>>> a GODLY sight.

i have this other fantasy of yeonjun with either lip piercings or nipple piercings or even a dick piercing someone plz tell me to calm down

oh please...bubble bath with the two of them holy shit baby pink bubbles all around you while you take turns givin’ each other cute kisses ahhhh

one more thing to the pile here would be hella mutual masturbation soo much of it. the three of you get off just simply watching eachother too and dirty talking how much you love the way the others look with hands rubbing themselves away with cute whiny moans~

♡ taekook ♡

sfw

omg! this is my first time remotely talking about bts on my blog hehe this is so exciting!! i don’t really read too much bts ff so this is going off of my own perception!

i just wanna say....there’s so much to unpack here LOL but like many of the soulmates on this list, these boys are ~whipped~ for you and eachother!! its so stinkin’ cute

another thing about these expensive boyfriends is that they loooove to sing for you too! they’d sing you to sleep, when you’re sick, sad, or just had a hard day allllways hehe

the three of you have sickeningly adorable nicknames for eachother, the kind that honestly make heads turn LOL

jk would without a doubt get tattoos with you!! and wine drunk lollll he’s also a huge enabler so if there’s anything that you’re considering buying or doing he’d hype you up so bad you barely have to think twice heheh

kinda like junhao they’d also make amazing travel buddies but less for the aesthetic, but for the luxury. you’d stay at amazing hotels and eat at Michelin star restaurants wearing luxury brands that they bought for you

i feel like this goes without saying, buuuut in this r/ship, its alll about the adoring glances from afar or even just right next to you bc they love you so much!!

i also get a very protective vibe from them as well, you’re very special to them, and they never wanna see you in harms way or disrespected by anyone! this could even look like having their arm around you on the bus or on the small of your back in a crowd

together, they’re the biggest jokesters and flirty as HELL they think that it’s so funny when they flirt out in public AGRESSIVELY just to make you a lil embarrassed hehe

forehead kissessss and kisses on the back of your hand!

nsfw

luxurious in this area tooooo

they would rent out the penthouse or presidential suite to make an evening for you and pull out all the stops: expensive champagne, lingerie selected just for you, a breathtaking view of the city ahhhh

ya all know how much i love my soft and intimateeee body touching and there would be plenty of this! they take their time undressing you and eachother and would plant kisses into the nape of your neck and shoulders as you do so!

i would like to contribute to this conversation sub!jk bc this is something that ahhhhh i really like to think about as well as soft dom tae bcccc why not heheh

these boys are utterly gorgeous under soft lighting and prowling all over your body too tho ahhh

BUT! imagine teasing the hell out of jk, barely letting him feel your mouth besides fleeting kisses while tae drives his hips into you from behindddd

in fact, these boys actually don’t mind a little voyeurism with the wide windows in your suite, opting to leave them open so there's a bit of thrill in the way that they fuck you too~

tae has a bit of...dare i sayyyy a power kink, so when you call him names such as sir, daddy, master etc oh boy

jk himself is bit into sensory dep specifically with blindfolds especially when its your hands travelling all around his body making him shiver.

both of them just looove cuming all over you as well: face, ass, thighs, belly, literally anywhere, they just think that you look amazing like that!

there are a couple times here and there when the three of you also do a bit of cam work together for other people to watch--although it isn’t often, you rake it in when you do so. the three of you are a perfect fantasy!

sex also can happen in odd places with you three too since you can just start feeling it and don’t really care ;) strangest place....hmm i’d say when you joined the mile high club with them~

~🌹~

Bunch of (Ro)ses!

@minaamhh @dazzlehoseok @synnocence @jjewibeans @hyunsluvv @unexceptional-h @bobawithchaitea @lechanters @sailorhyunjinz @silencefavarchive @lunarskzzz @yourdaddychan @bubblelixie @spnobsessedmemes @lmhmins @eunaeiekim

292 notes · View notes

onestowatch · 3 years ago

Text

Aidan Bissett Wants You to Know It’s Okay to Be Alone [Q&A]

Photo: Brooke James

Aidan Bissett’s sunny and effortless disposition contrasts the chaotic ode to classic rock that is his latest track “Dumped.” The introspective and cathartic nature of his latest offering speaks to age-old feelings of heartbreak while doubling as an optimistic reminder that cloudy days cannot last forever.

Releasing soft-spoken tracks followed by headbanging, classic-rock inspired hits, this young artist’s music truly feels alive, shifting and evolving from one release to the next. With a soulful dedication to “music first, lyrics second,” Bissett is steadily creating his own lane defined by a relentless drive for experimentation. We had the chance to talk to Bissett about his creative approach, his latest single, “Dumped,” and plenty more.

youtube

Ones to Watch: So, tell me the story behind “Dumped?”

Aidan Bissett: Wow, that’s a good question. I wish when I wrote it, it came from like, I had just been dumped… Well, okay, I had sort of been dumped. I don’t know how to explain that, but let’s just say I was in a relationship, taking time off, in a sense. When we were writing it, it was me, my friends, Ryan and Sean, and we were writing in a zoom session for like three hours. It was not a good song, and none of the three of us wanted to say it was a bad song. So, we were like, “OK, we are going to go take a break for a little.”

Then I pulled my guitar off the wall and started messing around, because when I get bored, especially in sessions, I like to try and take my mind off things. I’ll play random chords and sing random lyrics, like ad-lib over them just for fun. So, I started playing like three chords that are all throughout “Dumped,” singing this hook line that—it’s going to sound really weird—“I’m taking dumps all the time.” The guy I was producing it with was like, “OK, gross,” but that actually could be really cool… what if we change it to “I’m getting dumped all the time.” And I was like, “Woah.” That’s kind of how it started and we were on a roll and wrote the whole song in two hours.

And the song does mean a lot to me, because I have actually been dumped, multiple times. It sucks, it’s not a fun feeling, so every time I listen to it, it is kind of an “f you” type of song. Like, “yeah, I got dumped but I’m better off on my own anyway.” I always like that feeling better than wallowing in sadness. So, for anyone who does listen to it, I hope that it helps bring you out of the mourn and into a new light.

In the music video, you are seen reading an “Idiot's Guide To Love.” What was the last book you read?

I do love reading, I’ve always liked reading. I have not, in the past year, read a ton of books, which sucks because I actually do like reading. Well, okay, my senior year of high school I read like 13 books but a lot of them were for school. But they were still good books! I’m in the middle of reading Dune, which is very good so far. So, hopefully, I can finish that before the movie comes out. But yeah, I do like reading… when I have the time to sit down with my ADHD mind.

“Dumped” is a noted sonic transition for you. Can you tell me about how you approach your genre-spanning sound?

I don’t really like putting myself in one genre. I’m in a certain lane in the sense I do indie-pop, I do alternative, but I don't want to do straight pop. I feel like it's such a box, and it’s so limiting. I just love exploring different sounds, so even from the start, I put out “Different,” and then the second song was “Worst Girls Of All Time,” which was a completely different sound than the indie-pop wave that “Different” is. So, me putting out stuff like this after “Communication” is me exploring new sounds. To be honest, the things I like to hear always change, the bands that I’m listening to are always changing, and I take a lot of inspiration from a lot of different bands. I just love trying new things. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, but it just keeps me on my toes instead of just doing the same formula over and over again.

What are you listening to right now?

That’s a good question, it’s kind of all over the place. There’s this one girl, Remi Wolf, who I’ve been non-stop listening to… I have been listening to her for a minute. When she put out her first EP, I loved it. But now, she’s putting out these new tracks and Solomonophonic, her producer, he’s just incredible and her voice is incredible. They are doing so many things that just aren’t normal in this time of music; it’s just so her own lane. I find that really inspiring in the sense that she’s carving her own path and not following in the line of others.

I feel like I’m always listening to Wallows no matter what. I always have them ready to go. COIN. Role Model’s rolling out new stuff so I’m excited for that, he’s kind of taking a change in his own discography. [The] sounds that he is doing are definitely a lot different from his earlier stuff. This guy, binki. He’s actually opening for Role Model on this tour. Oh my gosh! His music’s insane, so cool. It’s got so many sounds going on, similar to Remi Wolf, there’s so much going on, you’re like ‘wow.. I’ve never heard something like this before.’

For those who don’t know, you write, record and produce your music all by yourself. Can you walk me through your creative process?

Yeah, I’m very musically-driven. Everyone has their own thing, I feel like a lot of artists, like the Olivia Rodrigo types, are lyrically-driven. I’m definitely music first, lyrics second. So, when I sit down to write something I try and get something I latch onto. I’m like, “Oh, this sounds cool. Lyrics could sound cool over this.” Anytime I go into a session or I’m recording by myself, I try to lay down some form of music, and then I’ll freestyle lyrics or freestyle melodies over the top, or pick a melody I like and throw lyrics over that melody. Whether that’s a hook or a verse, that kind of just depends on how I’m feeling. It’s definitely a bit unconventional compared to other artists. I feel like artists are a bit more put together when it comes to writing music just because I’ve only been doing it for like a year-and-a-half. But I have my own process, and it works. Every time I write something I learn something new. I’m excited to see, even a year from now, what my process will be… and even if it's completely different or efficient, who knows?

Tell me about the influence of music in your childhood and the decision for you to be a musician at a young age - you started playing electric guitar very young - what was your household like? Musical family?

My dad wanted the kids in our family, I have two other siblings, to play an instrument for two years during our young adult life. He wanted us to play piano before we got to pick, so we had two years of piano and then we had to pick an instrument. So, my sister went and played two years of piano and didn’t really stick with it afterward. Then, it was my turn and I was like, “Well, I don’t really want to play piano, can I play guitar?” And since I was the only one who asked, who expressed interest in a different instrument, he was like, “Sure.” I started in second grade and I’ve stuck with it the entire time. I took lessons for years, and that’s how I kind of got into the classic rock scene. My dad was a huge classic rock fan so he showed me all greats… and that was all I listened to for years. It definitely had a large impact on what I did. I would even play in little recitals, and I always played classic rock songs like AC/DC or Guns N’ Roses.

It wasn’t necessarily a musical household, like my dad isn’t musical, my mom isn’t musical. The reason he wanted us to play an instrument is because his mom made him play an instrument as a kid, so he was like, “You guys get to do that, too.” But it is true, one of us ended up using it.

What do you want people to take away from “Dumped?”

It’s an amp-up song. I want them to feel energized, to be happy with yourself. Getting hurt in relationships happens all the time, but it's okay to get hurt in a relationship. It’s kind of how you bounce back, and I want this song to be like a bounce back. Like, you hear it and, “Oh! This is me bouncing back! I don’t need to sit and cry anymore, because that’s not fun.” Sitting and crying is okay, everyone’s done it, but there’s a point that you reach, in that break-up phase, when the crying needs to stop and you need to go out and live and be the person that you are, independently. So, I would hope that it inspires you to be your independent, wonderful self again.

Is there anything else you would like to say about your music, or in general, that you want to take the chance now to say?

Well, I’m sitting on a lot of songs. So, I’m excited to get all the rest out, and again, everything is so diverse. All the music is so diverse, I just feel like each song is its own thing, which I really enjoy. I feel that’s really unique to my own music, where you’re getting something new every time. I’m moving to LA. That’s the other thing. So, if anyone sees me in LA, please stop me and say hello!

#aidan bissett #dumped #interview #pop #indie pop #alternative pop

11 notes · View notes

tangledstarlight · 4 years ago

Text

hello. if you’ve followed me for more then a week you may have seen me talking abuot the alex 5+1 and how its been torturing me for months. well. it is finally done. i think i deserve a reward to myself.

but yes okay. it’s 5 times alex had just the right thing in his fanny pack +1 time that he didn’t.

anyway!! it’s another 5+1 that’s alex centric.

also on ao3 (link in replies!)

trigger warnings! death mentions (because they’re ghosts), mild swearing, mentions of blood and injuries but nothing graphic.

one.

On his tenth birthday his parents took him to the mall and told him he could pick out anything that he wanted from one store, courtesy of his grandparents. Which, for a ten year old, was a big decision to make. Because there were a lot of things that he wanted.

Alex had dragged them from shop to shop, looking through every piece of clothing, every accessory, every record and tape. There were a lot of things to choose from. He really hated having to make a decision.

It was pure luck when he finally found the thing he wanted. Tucked away behind backpacks and satchel bags and flimsy looking tote bags, Alex found the fanny pack. It was dark grey and made a funny sound when he scratched at the material with his nails. It was also the perfect size to fit his inhaler and a snack and a pen and, if he did it right, probably even a single drum stick.

(The brand new and shiny drum kit currently sitting in his garage at home was his main birthday present, and Alex was more than excited for Luke and Reggie and Bobby to come over later and see it, and now he could show them his new fannypack and they could fill it with all the essentials that ten year olds needed.)

Everyday he woke up and got dressed, the fanny pack would find its way buckled across his chest and he’d check it had everything he needed inside. Inhaler and tissues and crumpled up dollar bills and a pen and a snack, just in case. Because Reggie always got hungry and there were only so many times they could bother their parents before they got annoyed.

They’re sitting in tree house that Reggie’s dad had built – back when Reggie’s dad and mom didn’t spend so much time fighting and his older brother was still around and Reggie didn’t flinch at doors banging – scraps of paper and forgotten homework scattered on the wood.

They’re supposed to be doing homework. Like they do every Saturday morning before they all give in to Luke’s pouting and bike over to Bobby’s place to ‘rehearse’, (it’s more like, they’re all playing at the same time in different keys, but they’re eleven. A killer band isn’t created overnight.) but Luke hasn’t shown up yet and Reggie is on his third candy bar and Bobby gave up on maths homework in favour of his game boy. Alex would be more stressed about the turn of events if it didn’t happen every Saturday.

“Jump, jump, jump, dude! You gotta jump!”

“I know, you saying it over and over isn’t helping man,” Bobby grits out and Alex watches as Reggie hovers over his shoulder, eyes wide and practically hanging off his arm.

“Look out for – Oof. So close man. Shoulda jumped,” Reggie pats Bobby on the shoulder, just dodging as the other boy's elbow moves back to try and catch him in the ribs.

“I swear to god Reg –” Bobby starts and Alex is readying himself either to intervene or move out of the way when Luke’s head pops up through the hole on the floor, wide smile and messy hair and eyes gleaming with some kind of mischief.

“Guys!” They watch as he pulls himself up and into the tree house, they’re all knees bumping and elbows narrowly missing sides and Alex spends several long seconds worrying that this will be the day they no longer all fit. That they’ve finally outgrown the tree house. But then Luke shuffles back, dropping his backpack into the centre and Reggie bends one knee to rest his head on and Bobby drops his hands into his lap, game boy still beeping away.

“I had the best idea,” Luke starts, unzipping his bag and rummaging through it for something, “I was watching this film last night, right? I don’t know what it was, one of those weird ones that’s on at 2am. Not the point. Anyway so there was this group of friends right and they were all moving away and didn’t want to stop being friends so they did this blood pack? And Reggie,” he grunts as he pulls a textbook out of his bag and tosses it aside, Alex feels his brows pull together as he starts to follow Lukes train of thought, “The other day you said you were worried about us going up to middle school. So I thought why not do a blood pact?”

Luke still has his attention firmly on his bag, trying to find something, so he misses the alarmed look that Alex shoots at Bobby and the responding grin that graces Reggie’s face. He can see exactly how this will play out. Luke will make the first cut and Reggie will suddenly remember he doesn’t like the sight of blood and Bobby will go too deep and Alex will have to find a way to get the three of them down a tree without crying.

“Dude, we can’t do a blood pact!”

“Why not?” Reggie asks, lips sliding down in a frown.

“Yeah, why not?” Luke echoes and he’s got half of something pulled out of his bag that Alex can’t identify. But it doesn’t look like a knife, so that’s a little reassuring.

“Because,” he starts slowly pointing first at Reggie, “You don't like the sight of blood for starters.”

Alex watches as Reggie’s mouth forms a small ‘o’, his head bobbing up and down as if he’d forgotten that fact, but Luke rolls his eyes and finally pulls his hand out of his bag and with it comes a carton of something.

“I know that, I didn’t mean a real blood pact,” he shakes his head and Alex blinks, thoroughly confused, “The blood bits’ not the important part, it’s just the whole y’know, promising we’ll always be friends. But we still need to do something kinda gross to make it meaningful, so I went and bought tomato juice. It’s why I was late.”

The grin is back on Reggie’s face and even Bobby is nodding along now. Alex looks from the cartoon in Luke's hands to his friends faces before blowing out a sigh because well. It wasn't the worst idea Luke had had and it would be nice. For them to make a pact, to always be friends. For nothing to change between them.

“How do we do this then?” He asks and it's worth it, giving in, to see the bright smile take over Lukes face as he launches into his plan.

Alex should have expected something to go wrong, it was sort of his job in the group. To worry. But he’d gotten so caught up in the moment, in the sentiments and little speeches Luke said they each had to make, that he forgot to worry about the next stage.

It almost happens in slow motion, Bobby reaches for the carton to take his drink at the same moment that Reggie tries to pass it to him and their hands sort of collide mid pass and suddenly the carton is tipping to the side and red liquid is cascading to the floor. All over their still scattered homework.

“Crap!” In his haste to try and stop the still spilled drink Reggie drops the thing entirely, sending even more of it pouring over the wood and creeping towards them. Luke makes a grab for the juice, trying to scoop it up in his hands and if Alex’s mind wasn’t halfway to panic, he’d have probably burst out laughing. On autopilot Alex’s hands reach up for the fanny pack across his chest, pulling the zipper and digging through for the new pack of tissues that he’d stuffed in there that morning. Almost like he knew something was going to happen.

All their homework is ruined – Alex can’t wait to explain this one to their teacher on Monday – and when they all climb down the tree an hour later they all watch as a trail of red slides down the bark. Despite the mess it had caused, Alex has to give it to Luke, the tomato juice really did look like blood. And he feels closer to his three best friends, which he guesses is worth using his whole supply of tissues.

two.

“Fuck!”

It’s not really the first thing Alex wants to hear as he steps into their rehearsal space. Aka Luke’s parent’s basement that they’d reluctantly agreed to let them use until Bobby’s parents agreed to let them clear out their garage. It was so annoying, waiting for their parents to agree to simple things.

His eyes glance around the mostly empty space, jumping from the fold up chairs and second hand amps and his drums and Reggie’s abandoned bass before landing on Bobby who’s kneeling on the ground near the back wall, guitar leaning against the chipped concrete.

“You okay?” Alex says and flinches when Bobby flinches, turning around quickly to look at him. Either Bobby was too wrapped up in whatever was wrong and hadn’t heard him or Alex had finally perfected walking silently and could start sneaking downstairs at night for a snack.

“I just–” he breathes out a sigh, gesturing helplessly at his guitar and for the first time Alex notices the missing string, “It snapped and I can’t get the new one on.”

“Oh,” that doesn’t really seem worth the tense set of Bobby’s shoulders or the slight shaking of his fingers as he tries to get the new string out of the packet. With a small frown Alex kneels down next to his friend and carefully takes the packet out of his hands. “Want some help?”

As soon as the strings are out of his hands Bobby seems to collapse a little, shoulder against the wall and head dropping with a soft thud, eyes following as he opens the pack. Of them all, Bobby is the most closed off about his feelings, which Alex supposes, isn’t actually that weird for a thirteen year old. But when Luke –- who’s never been able to keep emotions off his face or out of his songs -- and Reggie -- who is never shy about laying his head on your shoulder and telling you he’s sad -- are your friends, it gets a little weird. Even Alex knows he’s crap at hiding how he feels about stuff.

They're three open books with a locked vault.

Because Bobby has a special skill of hiding his feelings behind a mask of indifference and jokes that he’s never offered to teach them. Which is normally fine, but sometimes things leak through and one of them notices that somethings wrong, like right now. Alex has watched him restring his guitar without issue so many times before, never once have his fingers shook.

Chewing on his bottom lip, Alex tries to decide if he should push or just wait it out or ask when the others are around so he can’t avoid the question. His last option makes him frown, because he’d hate it if they did that to him. Put him on the spot about something. And what if there wasn’t even anything wrong and Alex was just overthinking it? Maybe Bobby was just tired, or this string was just particularly tricky?

“Dude, I can practically hear you thinking.” Bobby says, huffing out a shallow laugh and Alex’s eyes widen a little as he looks up in time to see him shuffle around so his back is against the wall, legs stretching out in front of him.

“Sorry,” Alex starts, hands freezing in the air.

“Nah it’s--” he shakes his head, one shoulder shrugging as he frowns at nothing, “It’s fine.”

Alex thinks that’s the end of it, that Bobby isn’t going to say anything else and he’ll just have to wait it out and pretend that something isn’t clearly wrong. Putting the string down he pulls his fanny pack around so he can reach the little pocket hidden on the back (he’s pretty sure you’re meant to keep money in it, but well, he rarely has more than a few dollars on him) and pulls out the little multi-tool that his dad had gotten him for Christmas. Something about ‘being a man now’ and how ‘you can help a cute girl out’. So far all he’d used it for was clipping strings and once to unscrew a vent when Luke accidentally pushed his notebook through.

“I think my parents are getting a divorce.”

That almost makes him choke on his own spit, head whipping around to look at Bobby and all thoughts of his dad leaving his head.

“What?” he doesn’t mean to say it so loud, but judging by the way Bobby winces he must have practically shouted it. “Sorry, I just--” he doesn’t know what to say, mouth opening wordlessly. None of them have the best home lives, all their relationships with their parents have their issues.

But Bobby’s have always been -- well not the most reliable, but most consistent. Together, but distant. Together, but not home each weekend. Together, but happy? Alex feels a little like his world view has been tilted. Because if anyone's parents should be getting a divorce, shouldn’t it be Reggie’s? He bites at his lip at the thought, instantly regretting it.

“Pretty sure my mom caught my dad sleeping with his secretary,” he says with a small frown, wiping his cheek across his shoulder and Alex drops the multi-tool on top of the string and shuffles his way across the floor until he’s sitting next to Bobby, backs against the wall. “Which is pretty fucking cliche of him. But yeah. I caught them fighting about it last night.”

Alex doesn’t know what to say or do. This isn’t exactly a conversation he’d come prepared for or thought he’d ever have to have. Alex was still trying to remember his new school schedule, he didn’t have the time to prepare for possible emotional family conversations. He wishes Luke was here, or Reggie, so he didn’t feel so much pressure to say the right thing.

“That sucks man,” he blows out a breath, drawing his knees up so he can rest his hands on his things, fingers tapping across his jeans. “You wanna stay at mine tonight? We can rent Back to the Future and eat my sisters stash of popcorn?”

“Can we get the second one too?” There’s a slight smile tugging at Bobby’s lips and Alex returns it, fingers stilling as he feels some of the tension in his shoulders release.

“Course man, can’t just watch the first.”

three.

There was an unspoken knowledge in their friend group.

Luke had a tendency to get into fights he couldn’t win.

Sure, they were almost always in deference of Reggie or Bobby or him, but Alex really wished he’d stop getting into them. Or would at least start to win. Honestly, you’d think by now that Luke would know how to throw a better punch, or least know how to dodge one.

It was a little embarrassing, the amount of fights that Luke had lost -- not that Luke saw it that way. Any fight that resulted in him sporting a black eye or split lip, not his friends, was a win to him. Which was a nice sentiment, but Alex was fairly sure that his idiotic heroics were going to give him a heart attack one day.

Luke’s constant scrapes were why Alex had started to carry around band-aids and disinfectant and bandages in the first place. All stored carefully in his fanny pack along with his inhaler and extra guitar picks and a granola bar for Reggie.

It was also why Alex wasn’t all that surprised when Luke found him after school, holding his wrist carefully against his chest with one hand and trying to wipe a dribble of blood off his lip on his shoulder. A split lip, a scrap across his cheek, and once he got a better look, Alex was pretty sure he’d find split knuckles too.

“Have you got a band-aid or something?” Luke’s words come out a little mumbled as he tries not to reopen the cut on his lip and Alex just raises an eyebrow at him. A band-aid? Really?

Squeezing his eyes shut for a moment Alex mentally counts to ten, reminds himself that his friend probably has a valid reason for looking like this.

Even though it’s only been twenty minutes since he last saw him. All he had to do was wait by their bikes while Alex went to talk to their history teacher about something. Twenty minutes alone and he’d found himself a fight.

“That’s –” he starts, then shakes his head, letting his shoulders drop as he breathes out a sigh and reopens his eyes, “Okay. Come on.”

Most of the school has cleared out as he leads them towards an empty bench, pushing Luke down onto it and pulling at the zip of his fanny pack to dig out the little homemade first aid kit he’d put together in a ziplock bag.

“Do I want to ask what happened?” He holds out a hand palm up for Luke to put his injured one in, biting his lip as he inspect the split skin and dried blood. It’s not as bad as he’d thought it would be, and it means Luke at least got one punch in this time.

“Some guys were laughing cause Bobby tripped getting on the bus and-” Luke hisses out a breath as Alex pours some water over his hand and starts gently dabbing at the cuts with a tissue, “Reggie dropped his bag when he tried to help him up. And I told ‘em it wasn’t funny and they said it was and I said it wasn’t and–- you get it.”

Luke shrugs up at him, starts trying to chew on his bottom lip before remembering it’s hurt and gives Alex a sheepish smile. Which is just annoying. Because Alex is the one trying to be annoyed here, trying to keep a stern look at his face even as locks of blonde hair fall in front of his eyes and he has to blow them away.

“You know you don’t have to start a fight every time someone’s mean to us, right?” He balls up the damp bloody tissue to put in the bin later and reaches for the cheap roll of bandages that he’d swiped from his mom's first aid kit at home. (All his medical knowledge comes from his mom, from watching her volunteer at church feats and garden parties as to who to go to when you got a little hurt. For someone with such a fully stocked box of medical tools, she sure did just pass out band-aids and suggest a glass of water a lot.)

“First, I didn’t actually start this fight. The one with the lip piercing threw the first punch,” Luke points his uninjured hand at him, like he’s just made a good argument before his lips pull down into a frown. “And I know I don’t have to. But I–- People are mean to you guys about stuff that doesn’t make sense. I don’t like that. Plus everyone knows that you guys would never do anything back, except maybe Bobby if it was really bad, and I just want them to know I think their assholes.”

It feels like there's more to it then that, Luke doesn't supply anymore insights into his thought process and Alex is too worried about their upcoming history text to push it today.

"You’re so-” Alex starts but stops himself, rolling his eyes as he ties off the bandage and shakes his head at Luke. “That’s a really stupid reason to get in all these fights, you do know that right?”

“Yup!” He inspects his hand, the off-white bandage wrapping around his knuckles and flexes his fingers to test how tight it’s tied, then his eyes drift to the ziplock bag and the band-aids, “You got any of those cool glow in the dark ones?”

Alex opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, but no words come out. It still surprises him, even after being friends for so long, how willing Luke is to get hurt for them. How he doesn’t seem to see any issue with it. He really hopes that one day he won’t feel the need to take a punch for any of them, that he won’t need to. But until then Alex supposes he doesn’t mind being a fourteen year old first responder. It’s kinda fun, sometimes. Like when he gets to dictate who gets which band-aid.

“You used the last glow in the dark one on Sunday. So you’re stuck with trucks.”

He’s still wearing the band-aid with little trucks on a dirt track across his cheek when he comes into school the next day and Alex really tries to stay annoyed at him. But it’s kinda hard when the only reason he’s got the cut is because he loves his friends. So Alex just rolls his eyes fondly and makes a mental note to ask his mom for glow in the dark band-aids when she next goes to the store.

four.

“You think Ron’s got the new Garth Brooks record?”

At least, that’s what Alex thinks Reggie asks, because it’s more like a mumbled group of sounds as the other boy stuffs a large forkful of pasta into his mouth. He glances at Luke, eyebrow raised to see if he’d understood the question right. And judging by the face Luke pulls, he thinks he did.

“I mean, probably. But we’ve been over this. No country in the van.”

Alex knows he’s trying to look stern and serious, Reggie knows it too. But Luke’s nose is scrunched up and his eyebrows are drawn together and his lower lip almost looks like it’s about to start quivering. Stern and serious isn’t the first thought that comes to mind. Cute, adorable, puppy like, sure. Stern or angry? Never.

“You’re just jealous,” Reggie starts, gulping as he swallows his mouthful and makes them both wait as he dramatically takes a sip of his soda too, “You wish you could do a country twang. It’s okay Luke-y, not everyone is musically gifted.”

He bites the end of his straw to keep from laughing at the look of annoyance that crosses Luke’s face, the desired reaction if Reggie’s widening grin is anything to go by.

“Dude you’ve done it now,” he mutters softly, but he can’t really find it in him to be too mad about the rant that Reggie has just triggered. Because it’s the first time in weeks that Reggie has smiled fully, and the bruise on his left cheekbone is now a faded purple and the arm he had been extra careful about touching is resting full length on the table as he taps the end of his fork on the wood.

Luke seems to know it too, if the gentle smile that briefly crosses his face when Reggie looks away for a moment is anything to go by. It had been to Luke's house that he’d run too, and Alex is honestly pretty proud of his friend for not leaping out his bedroom window to go fight Reggie’s dad the second he’d shown up. Alex was fairly confident that if Reggie asked to play nothing but country music for the next ten years Luke would agree if it meant they’d get to see his full blown smile without hints of sadness.

Sometimes, Alex wished he had half the confidence and determination that Luke had. Wished that when his fight or flight instincts were put to the test his reaction wasn’t flight. That he wasn’t always a little bit terrified of what would happen if he was honest with everyone, of what would happen if he threw a punch instead of trying to talk something out.

Probably just result in spending more money on band-aids and bandages.

Blinking the thoughts from his head, the blonde tunes back into the conversation. Pros and cons of having one country song on their demo.

“Come on! We’d all so rock a cowboy hat,” Reggie punctuated his point by stabbing his fork into the table, plastic progs snapping and flying into the air. “Fuck sake,” he mutters, a little mournfully as he pulls his arm back in to look at the one remaining bent prong and then down at his still half full container of pasta.

“I think the fork disagrees with the cowboy hats,” Luke grins, flicking one of the little plastic pieces at Reggie who just pouts for a moment longer.

And Alex can see where his brain goes, can practically track the thought process and the solution he comes up with as Reggie tosses his fork at Luke and starts to try and pick up the food with his fingers. But before he gets that far, Alex is pulling another fork out of his fanny pack, metal and wrapped in a napkin.

(Someone had once said to be prepared for all possible situations. Sixteen year old Alex had decided that meant he should start carrying extra cutlery around. Just in case. In case of what, he hadn’t known, but apparently it wasn’t a totally crazy idea, so screw you Bobby for laughing at it.)

“Here.”

Reggie accepts the fork, pout turning to a smile and sticking his tongue out at Luke who just rolls his eyes.

“Alex’ll do a country song with me, won’t you?” Both pairs of eyes are looking at him now and he doesn’t know if Reggie is being a 100% serious about a country song for their demo or wearing cowboy hats on stage, but he does know that either way it’ll make Luke do his cute angry face again and well. Alex can’t resist making him make that face.

“Oh yeah. We’d rock cowboy hats.”

five.

Being dead was -- not what Alex had expected. And it’s a little weird, because growing up he’d spent a lot of time thinking about what happened after you died. Where you went and what you could do and who would be there.

His parents were very insistent on ‘be a good person in life, don’t commit any sins and get into heaven’ so, when they’d died and ended up in a dark room, Alex had thought that was proof that being gay really was a sin and his parents had been right and now he’d dragged his best friends into hell with him. Luke might blame himself for them dying, and Reggie might blame himself for them being eternity linked, but Alex would always blame himself for that 25 year black room limbo.

Even if it wasn’t his fault. But he couldn’t convince the others that it wasn’t their fault, and they couldn’t convince him it wasn’t his fault and it was a loop they’d been stuck in for months now.

Julie called them all idiots for it. Fondly. With an eye roll. And a gentle smile when she’d pull them into a group hug.

Because they could do that now.

Hug her. So they did it a lot.

Group hugs and side hugs and high fives and piling onto her bed on a Sunday afternoon to watch one of the many Disney films they’d missed out on. They all latched onto her more than they already had.

Julie had pulled them out of the dark room -- hell -- and back into the light and then she’d saved them from zapping out of existence. Reggie might insist she was a witch and Luke would say a star, but Alex, who had a pretty rocky relationship with religion and God, was fairly confident in calling Julie an angel. (He was also willing to bet good money on in a fight, between a god, death and Julie, that Julie would win.)

And she didn’t seem to mind that they’d gotten a little...clingy over the last few months since the zapping had stopped. Which was nice, that they hadn’t annoyed her enough to send them packing yet. That she seemed just as attached to them as they were to her.

It’s with that thought in his mind that Alex knocks on her bedroom door. Julie loves them, Julie only invokes the boundaries rule when they snoop through her stuff, Julie isn’t about to tell them to leave because Alex is a little bored. At least he hopes she won’t.

“Come in.”

He almost misses her response, both because of his mildly spiralling thoughts and because her voice is soft, quite. Now his thoughts turn to worry as he pokes his head through the doors, eyes immediately landing on Julie tucked into her bed, surrounded by pillows and curtains closed. His brows pull together as he hesitantly steps through the door.

“Are you okay?” He asks, trying to keep his voice as low as hers had been. Slowly she lifts her head from the pillow, brushing curls out of her eyes as she looks at him with a small smile.

“Oh Alex, hey. I-- yeah, I’m fine. Just--” she trails off, blinks a little blearily at him and for the first time he realises that he’s woken her up. Shit. “Not feeling too great. Was trying to nap.”

“Shit, sorry, I’ll go. I didn’t know you weren’t well, I’ll um yeah. I’ll go.” He’s got half his leg through the door when she calls his name, a slight laugh in her voice and looks at her over his shoulder.

“It’s okay, you can stay. I wasn’t really getting much rest anyway.”

He opens his mouth to ask if she’s sure, but Julie’s already shuffling around in her bed, moving pillows and lifting the duvet for him to climb in next to her. Alex hesitates for a moment, bites his cheek before turning around fully and walking over, kicking his shoes off before sliding under the cover and making himself comfy.

“Why do you have so many pillows?” He asks, fluffing one up behind his head and moving another one to fill the space between the edge of the bed and the little side table.

“Don’t know,” she shrugs, and he knows she’s watching him with amusement when he repositions the pillow next to her head so it’s straight. He frowns a little at her answer because, well, that’s not really an answer. How does one person have like, ten pillows on their bed and not know why or how?

“That's not-- okay,” he sighs, letting it go, because now that he’s next her, Alex can see she’s shivering a little and her cheeks look flushed and on instinct he reaches out his hand to lay it against her forehead. She lets out a small hiss and Alex moves to move away when her hand comes up, warm fingers wrapping around his wrist to keep his hand in place.

“Stay there, your hands are cold, they feel nice.” And well, they might make fun of Luke for not being able to say no to Julie, but so far he hasn’t been able to do it yet either. So he keeps his hand on her forehead and moves his other to gently cup her chin and part of her cheek until he’s basically holding her head up in his hands, he watches as her eyes flutter shut.

“Have you taken anything?” He tries to keep his voice quiet, not wanting to disturb her too much but her eyes open and she shakes her head, blowing out a sigh as she moves herself out of his hold, head hitting one of her many pillows.

“All we have is cough syrup and dad’s out and I didn’t want to bother Victoria.”

So she’d taken herself to bed and tried to tackle whatever illness she had alone? Alex frowns at her, lets out a small tut as he pulls his fanny pack across his chest, unzips it and roots around for the ziplock bag of first aid things before pulling out a half used pack of paracetamol, leaving the bag on the bed. He’s dead, and so are his most clumsy friends, they don’t really need band-aids anymore.

There’s a bottle of water on the table next to him which Alex grabs, pops out two of the little white tablets and passes them both to Julie, who raises her eyebrows at him, but accepts.

“You know you’ve got three ghosts who would have happily gone to a store to get you something if you’d asked, right?” He’s sort of teasing, but sort of not as he watches her sink back against the pillows, water bottle still in her grasp. Turning her head a little, just enough so she can see him she shoots him a small smile.

“Didn’t want to bother you guys. You're my friends, not my personal shoppers and yesterday Luke had to go to the store because we forgot milk. Don’t won’t you thinking I’m just using you for your ghostly teleportation,” she says it like a joke, but there’s a sad sort of look in her eyes. The kind of look he used to see in Reggie’s back when they were kids and he thought they’d get annoyed with him. It had never even occurred to Alex that Julie might think they’d get fed up with her.

“Jules, you let us live in your garage. For free. The least we can do is the occasional magical shop,” he shuffles down in the bed until his head is resting on a pillow and they’re eye to eye, “And anyway, you could never bother us. We kinda owe our whole existence to you and you’re family and if you need help it’s a no questions asked type situation.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

She looks at him for a moment, eyes searching his face for something before she lets out a breath, shoulders relaxing and then she’s shuffling across the bed to lay her head on his shoulder, hair tickling his cheek but he doesn’t mind. Alex brings one arm up around her back and pulls her closer, tugging the duvet up to cover them a little more. They lie in silence for a while, Alex idly drumming his fingers on her upper arm and Julie tracing the letters on his hoodie. He doesn’t mean to pop the little peaceful bubble they’ve created but a thought shoves its way to the forefront of his mind and his fingers still.

“Hey uh, so do you think paracetamol goes out of date? Because that one I gave you is at least twenty-six years old.”

+one

Maybe, if Alex hadn’t been so wrapped up in his own head and trying to work through all of the sudden changes in his life, he would have noticed sooner.

At least, that’s what he’s going to tell himself and anyone else who might ask. He had a lot going on. He couldn’t possibly notice everything. Even something as big as this.

So yeah, he was going to blame all the crazy shit in his life for his sudden obliviousness.

The skate park was mostly empty when he got there – he forgot how long it could take to get somewhere when you couldn’t just poof into existence wherever you wanted. Being dead might have been bad, but he really missed the teleporting powers – which made sense, because the sun was starting to set and the air was growing colder. But he could hear the sound of wheels on concrete in the distance and followed it.

For a while, Alex just watched. He had never really cared all that much about skateboarding before (and honestly, he didn’t care all that much about it now, but he did like a certain skater an awful lot), but he had to admit it was fascinating to watch. The coordination and the skill and the lack of fear about falling.

Alex had always been scared about falling, physically and mentally and in love.

About hitting the ground and getting hurt and not being able to get back up. And he had fallen a lot. Out of a treehouse and down stairs. Had been pushed down. On concrete and on grass. Had been hurt. Luke and Reggie had always been there to help him back up though.

It didn’t mean it didn’t still scare him shitless. Falling.

Because what if one day he fell and there was no one to help him back up? What if one day he fell and everyone around him decided he was too much effort to help back up? What if one day he fell and staying down just seemed like the better option?

It was supposed to be one of the perks of coming back as a ghost. Of knowing that if he fell he couldn’t physically get hurt, and that Luke and Reggie would be there because they were always there and he was dead, falling in love shouldn’t have been a worry.

Of course, then he’d gone and got knocked off his feet, stinging palms and phantom bruises and hair flipping as the rest of the street blurred and all he could see was Willie.

And suddenly he was falling. Physically and mentally and in love.

Which was pretty fucking crazy. Who fell in love at first sight anyway? That wasn’t supposed to be a real thing. It was supposed to be something you read about or saw in silly cheesy rom-coms or from songs that people in love wrote.

So he’d met Willie, had fallen face first onto the ground, literally, and into like and then into love and then into life again.

It was a lot.

It was too much.

Too much change and more change and changing back and unanswered questions.

Was it really so hard to send a couple of ghost handbooks down?

So Alex had gone for a walk, to clear his head, to sort through his thoughts, to get a grip on the feeling of falling. He’d ended up at the skate park without really meaning too, not that he’d had any real destination in mind.

Sitting on a bench, he pressed two fingers to the pulse point on his wrist, counting the beats –- it’s been a few weeks and he’s still not used to having a beating heart, is always a little worried it’s all some big trick and he’ll wake up one day back as a ghost -– as he watches Willie go down a ramp and flip his board mid air.

Still being able to see with Willie was one of the many unanswered questions that he had.

(Maybe he should start making a list. Not that he thought he’d ever get any answers for them, but it might be nice. To have a list of all the questions about his death and his after life and his re-life. He could call it Tales of BHD (before hot-dog death). Julie might have some comments.)

Deep down Alex knew he shouldn’t question it. They’d been given a second chance, it was a miracle and magic and amazing. But he’d never done very well with questions without answers. He wished he could accept it as easily as Luke and Reggie and Julie had. That it was love or a gift or will power. It didn’t seem very likely, but he wasn’t about to argue it.

They’d been dead. Now they weren’t. It was a miracle.

He might have thought so if he could still hug Willie. But it was like when they’d first met Julie, he reached out to touch his shoulder, his hand, and passed right through him. Alex now knows how Luke felt and kind of feels bad for ever teasing him about. A re-lifer being in love with a ghost is kinda painful. And yet, he can’t seem to stop himself from seeking Willie out. No one’s ever called Alex the smart one.

There’s a sudden crashing sound, wood hitting concrete and Willie letting out a string of curse words and Alex immediately zeros in on him. On the ground. Without really stopping to think about it Alex is up off the bench and running the short distance until he’s next to him by the time Willie has pushed himself up onto his knees.

“Shit are you okay?” He reaches out a hand, to touch his shoulder, to help him up, he doesn’t know. But stops himself short. Because he can’t touch him, and every time that his hand phases through they both look away sadly.

“I’m– yeah I’m good. Had worse spills,” there’s a toothy smile on his face as he says it, but Willie’s eyes have caught on Alex’s still outstretched hand, a sadness flashes across his eyes quickly before vanishing.

Alex just stands there a little awkwardly, stuffing his hands into his pockets, as he watches Willie stand up, wincing a little at some unknown injury – which okay, when he thinks back on it, that should have been his first sign.

“What ha–” Alex starts, but his eyes catch on Willie’s knees and the blood slowly spilling down his leg from a cut. “Shit you’re bleeding! You said you were fine!” He doesn’t mean to sound so accusational, but well, how can he help if no one tells him when they're hurt?

Willie looks at him in confusion before down at his legs, eyes widening at the blood and Alex starts to worry that the other boy might faint. Does he not like the sight of blood? Oh god, he should probably sit down before he gets more hurt.

“Sit down I should have something for it, hang on.” Without thinking, Alex puts his hand on Willie’s shoulder and guides him back down to the ground, to the lip off the end of one of the ramps and makes sure he’s sat before turning his attention to his fanny pack. His fingers catch on a drum stick, a lip balm, one of Julie’s scrunchies, his inhaler, but no ziplock bag of first aid. Shit. He’d left it in Julie’s room, months ago. Because he’d been dead. And hadn’t needed any of it. Fuck.

He looks back at Willie, mouth opening to tell him the bad news, but Willie is already looking at him with wide, scared eyes. He has one hand gripping the side of the ramp and his other is resting over his chest. Over his heart.

“Alex,” he starts and that’s when Alex realises that he doesn’t look scared. It's shock. There’s tears pooling in his eyes and, like a bus hitting him, Alex realises that his hand hadn’t phased through when he’d guided him to sit down.

“You– I– What?” Is all he gets out, which doesn’t make any sense but Willie seems to get it because he nods his head. And then Willie is standing up, hissing a little as he unbends his knee and dimly, Alex is aware that it’s started bleeding a little again, but all that is second to the feeling of Willie carefully, slowly, gently, reaching for his hand. And holding it. Fingers linking. Solid and real and warm. With his other hand Alex reaches for his neck, lays his fingers against soft skin and feels for a pulse. For the fluttering of a heartbeat and lets out a wet laugh when he finds it. He doesn’t know when he started crying, but it doesn’t matter.

Alex uses the hand that Willie is still holding to pull the other boy towards him, lets the fingers on his neck slip around until his arm is around his back, and is pulling him into a hug he’s been craving for a month.

“How?” It’s the first thing Willie says as he pulls away, not far, because Alex had let out a small whine as he’d tried to step away and wasn’t even ashamed of it.

“I have no idea,” he shrugs, because he doesn’t. He has no answers for any of this. But he’s willing to not question it, he decides, if he and the people he loves most in the world get a second chance at life. Together. “I’m starting to not question these things and just say thank you.”

Willie laughs then, a little watery, but still bright and kind and so full of life that no one would have ever known he’d been a ghost a short while ago.

“Fair enough,” they’re still stood close together, hands awkwardly intertwined between them and Alex’s fingers are tangled in his hair. But neither of them make any move to pull away. Willie pulls a face, lips twisting to the side and Alex raises an eyebrow at him, “Where the hell am I going to live now? Caleb already hated that I've been sleeping at the club, he's never gonna let me back in now."

Now it’s Alex’s turn to laugh, shaking his head a little at the question, because at least this one he has an answer too. He detangles his fingers from Willie’s hair carefully and takes a half step away, just enough for him to properly hold his hand, pulling him over to his abandoned skateboard.

“Well, lucky for you, I happen to know the coolest girl with the coolest dad who likes to take in stray used to be ghosts.”

Willie picks up his skateboard and when Alex starts to walk, pulls them to a stop, a worried little crease between his brows as he looks at him.

“Are you sure Julie will be cool with me crashing with you all? I don’t want to like, intrude or get in the way.”

“I’m pretty sure she’d re-kill me if I didn’t bring you home with me,” Alex shakes his head, a little fondly and with a little exasperation. But this time, when he starts to walk, pulling Willie along with him, his boyfriend doesn’t stop them. And if this is what unanswered questions gets him, well Alex will learn to live with them.

#julie and the phantoms #alex mercer #julie molina #luke patterson #reggie peters #willie #willie jatp #alex x willie #jatp #jatp fic #bobby wilson #trevor wilson #wait. what tag do you use for him fuck fgdhjs #rosie vs writing #*#still haven't sorted out a fic master list or a tag should really do that huh #*fics

67 notes · View notes

ashintheairlikesnow · 4 years ago

Text

Disaster Lads: A Collab, Part One

This is part one of a five-part collab piece I did with @whumpiary! In which our disaster lads meet and the inevitable ensues.

CW: Referenced drugging, forced drinking, referenced past noncon, some dubcon fuckiness and trauma response headspace. Things get darker as we go, and more explicit, too. But also Kauri flirts and it’s adorable. Just a fair warning. I’ll do warnings for each individual chapter as we go.

Tagging Kauri’s crew: @maybeawhumpblog, @pepperonyscience, @haro-whumps, @18-toe-beans, @burtlederp, @finder-of-rings, @giggly-evil-puppy, @whimpers-and-whumpers, @moose-teeth, @whump-it, @lumpofwhump, @pumpkinthefangirl, @spiffythespook, @slaintetowhump, @astrobly

Kauri isn’t entirely sure how it happened, but somehow his back is against a wall, a drink is in his hand, and there’s a man leaning over him with that grin on his face that Kauri usually likes… but today, he doesn’t.

The bar is kind of dark, and there’s a band playing something that mostly sounds like sad yelling over geese honking to Kauri, but everyone had cheered when the band came onstage so maybe he just doesn’t get the music. He’s not even dressed for the bar, honestly - he’s in his big black zip-up sweatshirt, Dustin’s so it hangs off his shoulders and his hands are mostly covered by the sleeves. A thin thrift-store t-shirt and ripped-up black skinny jeans, the faded old checkered slip-on sneakers he’s had forever… he looks halfway homeless.

The guy has him cornered anyway, and Kauri is feeling all the other drinks he’s let guys buy him tonight, kind of spinning and silly with the alcohol in his veins. It makes it easier not to feel uncomfortable, but part of him is.

He wants to say no, but the word sticks in his throat.

“Come on,” The guy says, leaning over him - it feels like looming - and pushing even closer into his space. “I bought you the drink, the least you could do is a little something for me in return.”

I don’t want to, Kauri thinks in something like a panicked wail.

The man’s knuckles brush the side of his throat and it’s probably a flirtation but Kauri thinks of Owen’s hands around his neck - it feels like a threat.

“Wh-what… what did you have in mind?” Kauri’s voice is airy, a little breathless. His heart is pounding, his face is flushed, and maybe he looks into this… but he’s not. But it kind of seems like the guy maybe knows and doesn’t care.

“A lot of shit, honestly, you’ve been on my radar a while, but first… let’s start with you finishing that drink.” He reaches out and takes the glass out of Kauri’s hand, raising it to his lips. The first sip of syrupy-sweet cocktail seems more like liquid ash on Kauri’s tongue. “You’re a pretty cute drunk.”

“Am… am I?” He asks when the man lets him stop drinking. “I, I don’t want-”

“Have another drink,” The man interrupts, and pushes the rim of the glass against his lips again.

Cass had been watching the guy with the curly hair and the cute smile on and off all night. Partly because he's pretty. Partly because he looks like he’s dressed for a soup kitchen rather than a bar. But mostly because he looks familiar. Annoyingly familiar, in a way that’s maybe more significant than ‘hey didn’t we fuck in a bathroom stall one time?’.

The girl Cass has been chatting to is very, very, very boring. Stupidly boring. So it’s ridiculously easy to focus his attention just over her shoulder at Curly Hair and the guy who’s got him pressed against the wall in the corner, and the pink drink that’s being held up between them, fed to the shorter of the two like it's the holy fucking grail.

Desires are sticky. Syrupy. And in a bar like this, with music like this, with people like this, revulsion is bitter and obvious. Like whiskey in apple juice. Like smoke under perfume.

Cass wishes he'd had more to drink. A couple more vodka tonics and he'd probably refuse to give a shit. But he's annoyingly sober, and he can't help but notice Curly Hair sort of glance around, looking for an exit that doesn't exist.

Cass watches as he smiles, tilts his head. Cass' stomach lurches. He's seen that head tilt. Fuck, Cass has given that head tilt. I want you to want me but I don't want this.

“Hey Kirsty," he says, serving a grin to the blonde next to him. She frowns.

“It’s Kristie.”

“Right. Kristie,” Cass says. Easy smile, a finger tracing circles on the back of her hand. “You wanna go dance? I’ll catch up in a sec”

The girl pouts, grabbing his hand, “Aren’t you gonna come? I kinda thou-”

“Kʀɪsᴛɪᴇ, ɢᴏ ᴅᴀɴᴄᴇ.”

The girl's frown melts into a grin faster than she can notice what’s happening and nods her head enthusiastically, like dancing had been her idea in the first place. And then she’s gone, melted into the pulsing mass of bodies.

Cass needs to get out of here. In a bar like this, with music like this, with people like this, the feeling of I don’t want this is so loud and grating it makes Cass’ heart catch in his throat. And then there’s the other guy. Cass can feel the fucking lust pouring off of the guy. Not just the desire for an easy lay but the absolute exhilaration of a predator who’s got dinner trapped. Or is about to, Cass thinks, eyes following the asshole’s gaze to where they're fixated on a sickening cocktail he’s feeding the smaller guy.

Cass pushes himself away from the bar. He needs to get out of here. He needs to get out of here before he does something stupid because he promised Lou he wouldn't pick anymore fights and because this is none of his business and just because the guy seems familiar doesn't mean Cass knows him but he still finds himself snaking to the corner, anyway, grabbing the tall guy by the elbow-

“Hey, do I know you from somewhere?” he says, feigning rapt enthusiasm.

The taller guy looks Cass up and down. His hair is annoyingly perfect. Like if you tapped it, maybe it'd make a sound like knocking on hard plastic.

“I don’t think so,” the guy says, shark teeth twisted into a grin. Cass watches as his grip tightens minutely on the glass he’s holding. Yeah, fuckhead. Wouldn’t want to lose that, now would we? “If you don’t mind, we’re kinda busy.”

And he's turning back to Curly Hair, who is melting into the wall, a skittish mess of maybe he’ll talk to the new guy - if it’s what you want then I want it - I don't want this - just say no kauri you can just say no - I want this I want you - just say no stop it stop - no just drink it don’t make him mad - I don't want this and Cass really fucking wishes he'd had another few drinks because then he could just walk away, but instead he hits the cocktail careening out of Tall Guy's hand, a spectacular pink mess over the guy's crisp white shit.

Kauri flinches back, hands up over his mouth, staring wide-eyed at the mess.

"Shit, dude. Sorry. I'm such a klutz," Cass grins, holding up innocent hands with a shrug. "That roofie wasn't expensive or anything, was it?"

And sure, maybe this was none of his business, but it's so satisfying when the guy shoves him into the wall. Maybe even more satisfying than the sound of the crunch of the guy's nose breaking as Cass headbutts him in the face.

The guy stumbles back, hands over his nose as blood starts to pour, screaming half-formed curse words that are muffled by his hand and the nasal sound of his voice. From behind the bar, a bartender yells, “God damn it, no fighting! What the fuck, Kauri?!”

Kauri curls back against the wall, his wide, frightened eyes going from the bloody pink-stained man to the new guy who had hit him with his whole entire head and back again. “I’m sorry!” He shouts back to the bartender. “I’m sorry I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

“Yeah, well, do something about it!”

Kauri gives the bartender a look of incredulous terror. He’s 5’7” and all lithe, willowy flexibility and he has the brute fighting strength of a very small kitten.

“Like what, exactly?!”

The guy drops his hand - the bottom half of his face is a mess of blood now - and with a snarl, pulls his fist back to punch Cass again.

“Stop them fighting over your dumb hot ass or I’m calling the cops, Kauri!”

The name sticks in Cass' head as he lets the guy land another punch, hard on his cheek.

"Kᴀᴜʀɪ, ɢʀᴀʙ ʜɪs ᴀʀᴍ," he says, on impulse, because the guy is kinda huge and Cass isn’t particularly strong, and he’s been in plenty of fights but he usually only stops them by not really being conscious anymore.

Kauri’s hands snap out thoughtlessly, grabbing the guy’s other arm and helping Cass shove him face-first against the wall, only to freeze up, eyes widening even more in terror as he has no idea why he just did that.

"You better calm the fuck down, man," Cass says, twisting the guy’s wrist so it twinges just a little behind him. He feels amped up and shaky with adrenaline. He hopes he looks as feral as he feels. The big guy blinks, slow and stupid as he tries to catch up with what just happened. "'Cause either I'm gonna kill you or the bar staff are gonna call the cops on your ass. And we both know what they're gonna find in that glass.”

The guy's eyes widen in shock, then narrow. “You can’t prove-”

“You roofied me?” Kauri asks, as though the multiple comments Cass had made had only just sunk into his mind. He felt himself reel with horror, trying to pull away, but his hands just… don’t want to let go of the man’s arm. Panic was a drumbeat in his mind. He knows what roofies are, Nat told him about those, and that they taste kind of salty but there was a salt rim on the drink the guy bought him-

“You were going to roofie me?”

“That jackass broke my nose!” The guy yells, although it comes out more like dat jackash boke by dose. Cass kind of wants to interject that he probably didn't break the guys nose, but it doesn't really seem like the time. “I’ve been talking to you all night and you just believe some asshole that walks up and punches a stranger?”

“I… I…” Kauri cringes back from the fury in the man’s voice. He’s going to be hurt, and he’s terrified, and the only thing on earth he wants right now is to get out of here and away before the man’s hands are around his neck just like Owen’s, it’ll be like that, he’ll hurt and hurt and then pass out and if he can just maybe make nice the guy will stop being angry-

“I, I’m sorry, you-... you did buy me the drink, that was… that was nice… but, but if he saw you-"

"He didn't see shit."

The guy did not seem to realize that that wasn't exactly denying he'd done it.

Cass feels cold fury run through him. He can feel the lust-turned-sour, good-night-wasted annoyance that the guy in front of him is vibrating with. And the panic pouring off of Kauri, so palpable and crystalline it may as well be his own. The want to run away, to get out of here, to back down, to apologise, make nice. They mingle together in his head.

Who the fuck tries makes nice with the asshole who was gonna drug them? He tries to ignore the ‘you sure used to’ that creeps into his head.

Cass doesn't care. He wants to run away and he wants to get out of here but more than that he wants to make someone bleed. This guy walked into the bar tonight, sought out the most vulnerable guy he could find and thought prey. He deserves to know what that feels like. He flips the guy around, pressing a hard hand to his chest to keep him flush to the wall.

“I think I’m gonna call you Scooter,” Cass says “You look like a Scooter”

“The name’s Matt, jackass,” the guy growls. It takes way too much effort to pronounce the M. Cass grins. Matt, huh?

"Alright, Mᴀᴛᴛ. Tᴀᴋᴇ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇsᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ G ᴛʜᴀᴛ's ɪɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴘᴏᴄᴋᴇᴛ. Gɪᴠᴇ ᴜs ᴀ ʟᴏᴏᴋ,” he says. The guy blinks, reaches mindlessly into the pocket of the shitty jeans he’s wearing and pulls out a nondescript little bottle. Matt is staring at the drugs like he can’t imagine how they possibly got into his hand. Cass grins. It’s nice to stare at a predator and make them feel small. "I think he should have to drink it. What do you think, Kauri?"

"Jesus Christ," Matt says, nasally and strangled. "Why did... What the fuck, I should knock your teeth out!"

Kauri grabs the pill bottle out of his hand and tries, despite his hands shaking so badly the fucking bottle rattles, to look like he's reading, carefully keeping his eyes unfocused so they won't try to settle on or understand the letters. Kauri steps closer to them both, putting his hands up slowly, like a man being held hostage.

"Look, you guys, we can just… nobody has to fight," He says, pitching his voice lower, cocking his head just a little to the side. "The bouncers are gonna kick us all out in a second and, and I don't need-... We don't need that, right? Matt? We don't need to, to have anybody closer than this. Just us, right?"

His heart hammers, heartbeat so strong it's nearly knocking the breath out of him. His voice is airy, and soft, and just a little flirty under the fear.

You can fix this. No one calls the cops, no one tells, no one looks too close.

"You didn't n-need that, I'd have… have gone with you anyway, Matt…"

Kauri, you can't say yes if you don't know how to say no. He ignores Nat's strident voice in his head and slides just a little closer, the rise and fall of his chest and the whites around his eyes the only giveaway of his fear. He can see bouncers and he has to make this better before too many people are looking at them.

Matt snorts a kind of bitter, angry laughter, then winces as that burns his injured nose. "You would. The ones like you always do, right?"

Kauri freezes, all the color draining out of his face. The bottle of pills drops to the floor and rolls away, kicked by someone walking by and getting lost somewhere in the crowd. "What?"

"Tell your fucking White Knight to fuck off," Matt says reaching out to grab Kauri's left wrist. "Kauri Grant."

Cass doesn't have time to figure out why the fuck that name sounds so familiar. All he needs to know what's happening is in that look on Kauri's face. He's seen that look. God, he's given that look. Whoever Kauri Grant is, he needs to be the hell away from here. Now.

"Okay, seriously buddy, we don't want anymore trouble," he tries, taking a quick glance at the bouncers closing in behind them "How about you let this go and we do too?"

"I'm not letting go of shit," says Matt, with a smile full of blood. He has one hand locked over Kauri's wrist, pushing up against the leather bracelet there. "Do you have any idea how much this little whore is worth?"

Cass swings the punch before he even has the chance to think what that could mean. Which is maybe not a great move, actually, with bouncers headed their way and a bar full of patrons who are starting to look over. It's especially not a great move because Matt swivels, jerking out of the way, sending Cass' fist straight into the side of Kauri's skull.

Kauri's world crashes at the impact, stumbling back and falling hard onto his side on the floor, head bouncing against the sticky woodgrain, blinking against the black spots dancing in front of his eyes.

It doesn't stop the panic.

Kauri Grant Kauri Grant Kauri Grant

"Y-you can't," he tries, his voice sounding weird and off to his own ears, pushing himself up. "Can't, can't turn me in-"

"I wasn't going to, before that little shit showed up," Matt says with a nasty note of triumph in his voice, one Kauri knows too well. "The guy who just hit you."

Kauri manages to stand up, catching the bouncers too close, too close, and he grabs onto Cass's arm. "He was… was trying to hit you," Kauri says, voice shaking. "And you-... tried to drug me."

"Like no one's ever drugged you before," Matt sneers, and Kauri swallows, hard, and doesn't protest. Matt waves at the bouncers. "Hey! This is Kauri Grant!"

The frozen fear in Kauri thaws and he jerks at Cass's arm to yank him not towards the door but deeper into the bar, pushing through the crowd towards the other side of the stage.

Kauri Grant Kauri Grant Kauri Grant

Cass knows that name, why does he know that name?

It doesn't matter. What matters is they get the hell away from here right now. He turns in Kauri's grip to look over his shoulder, locks eyes with the asshole who seems intent on ruining this poor bastard's life.

"Mᴀᴛᴛ," he yells as he's hauled away into the crowd, "Sʜᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ꜰᴜᴄᴋɪɴɢ ᴍᴏᴜᴛʜ."

It's not exactly elegant but Matt slams his jaw closed so hard Cass can see him wince against the jolt of pain through his bashed in face. Cass cackles as they disappear into the mass of bodies on the dancefloor.

He feels high. There's twin feelings gripping his chest, the thrill of a fight and the blinding panic of running away. The rush of beating someone at their own game twisted with the knowledge that they need to get the hell out of here before they're caught. He has no idea what's happening but it's fast and it's thrilling. It's making him dizzy, making his blood pump electric. He barks another laugh as he dodges some random guy's elbow, grips Kauri's hand even harder and lets himself be pulled.

"God, who the fuck is Kauri Grant?"

Kauri pulls him to a small door labeled EMPLOYEES ONLY just to the side of the stage, shoving it open and stumbling out into a dark alley, the sudden chill on his skin the only reason Kauri realizes he's sweating.

Out here the noise is gone, there's the sound of sirens far away, and Kauri's eyes dart around, thinking, before he pulls Cass to the right, further down the alley, stepping over refuse and empty beer bottles.

"I… I am," Kauri says, voice thin. The side door they just left opens and he pulls Cass quickly against the wall with him to hide behind a dumpster. "I'm Kauri Grant." He swallows hard, panic still beating at the back of his mind, and slowly slides down the wall to sitting, putting his head in his hands.

"You hit really hard for how skinny you are, d'you know that?"

Maybe it’s the sudden cold, or maybe it’s the way Kauri’s holding his head, but waves of exhaustion and regret and fear hit Cass all at once. He ducks down as voices and noise filter wide and loud, and then go squashed and muffled again with the swinging of the door.

“Fuck man, I’m so sorry,” he mutters, ducking his head to assess the damage. “I didn’t even think”

He reaches out a hand, pulls it back before contact. He really doesn’t know how to do this. The whole… God, what did Fuckhead McGee call it? The whole White Knight schtick. Is he meant to go find ice? Buy the guy a drink for his troubles? Usually when he finds himself kneeling on the wet concrete of an alley in front of a stranger it’s for a very different reason.

Cass sits back on his heels and laughs, loud and unabashed. He’d listened to that girl at the bar talk about her boyfriend for forty minutes when he should’ve been finding some pretty guy to sneak away with. And then he found a pretty guy and punched him in the face. Which… wasn’t always a dealbreaker, but even in the now relative quiet of the alley his heart is still slamming like there’s something to run away from and his brain feels cracked open and Jesus Christ, this night is already just so fucking dumb.

“Sorry. I’m sorry,” he says between giggles. He tries to calm it down to a grin. “I swear I’m not laughing at you, Kauri Grant. Did I, um…Is your head okay?”

"Yeah, my head's fine. I've been hit before," Kauri says, not quite muttering, rubbing his hand into his black curls. "Not usually in the head, but, you know, it's kinda empty anyway." He flashes a bright, deflecting smile, looking up at Cass.

Kauri's head cocks slightly to the side, something in his smile changing, softening a little. Not quite flirtation, something more in self-defense. "Can you just say Kauri, please? I don't, um, I don't like his name. Very much. It's just, that's what they call me…" His voice trails off. "Thanks for, um. For catching that guy… I didn't know he put something in it... I didn’t know he knew.”

Cass frowns a little, trying to understand. Didn’t know who knew what?

"Okay you have to back up, you're giving me more questions than… than answers right now..."

But then the pieces of Kauri he's seen through the night start falling together. The skittish eyes that didn't match with the flirting smile. Thanking the guy who would have happily held him limp in a basement. The wanting and wanting and wanting paired with the desperate need to run away.

The ones like you, that guy had said, looking at Kauri like he was something to be eaten. The ones like what? The ones who met conflict with apologies and desperate bids for distraction. His eyes flick to the bracelet on Kauri's wrist, thick and leather and out of place amongst the rest of his "robbed a Good Will" ensemble and too wide, really to be stylish. Just wide enough to hide a tattoo, maybe. Or a brand.

I don’t like his name very much. Cass feels himself paling.

"Oh my god, you're somebody's," he whispers. He closes his eyes and scrubs a hand over his face. Swallows the dry lump in his throat. "You're meant to belong to somebody."

Kauri jerks his arms back against himself, pulling the sleeve of his sweatshirt over the bracelet about ten minutes too late.

He looks up at Cass, blue eyes wide and pleading, and reaches out his hand to brush his fingers against Cass's hand, pitching his voice lower.

"You, you don't have to tell anyone. That I'm, um. You don't have to. I can… I can-" He has no idea how to say this. He focuses his thoughts on what he knows, falling back on training. I want this. I want you. I am an active participant in fulfilling my owner's desires.

"I can, um. Whatever you, you want, if you won't say you saw me?" His voice shakes - he can't seem to stop it. He has to hope it sounds like the good kind of nervous and not the terror he really feels.

Cass feels his stomach drop, something catching in his throat as fingers brush the back of his hand again. The tug and pull of I want this. The tilt of Kauri’s head is so tempting it looks rehearsed. I want you.

“That’s…” Kauri’s eyes are gorgeous — huge and blue and desperate — and Cass has to close his own just to think straight. “That’s not what… I, um.”

I want this. I want you. Resolute and relentless against his thoughts. I want this. I want you. Over and over and over again. Frenzied and pleading and wanting and fucking terrified. I want this. I want you.

Cass curls his fingers around Kauri’s, running his thumb along the other boy’s palm. I want this. I want you. Something in him feels shaken up and loose at the hinges from feeling it. It feels wrong. Too familiar, too close to home, too close to… something. Please let me want this. Please want me too.

Cass closes his eyes again, shakes his head. Maybe it’s just the after effects of being knocked crooked. Cass did punch the guy in the face. And it’s been kind of a fucked up fifteen minutes. Maybe they both just need the distraction. The relief of something simple and easy. And if they're both actively participating in something dumb and fun and stupid, maybe it’ll be enough to make them both feel better.

“Look, I’m not… I’m not gonna say anything,” he says, tugging Kauri’s hand closer, tracing a line up his arm. I want this. He smiles, let’s the pulse of it spur him on “We can just have fun, okay? I’m not gonna say anything”

Relief washes over Kauri, a wave of it that nearly knocks him over. He’s doing it right, his voice is right, all the training is working and letting him slide into an easier place in his head. His smile isn’t quite sincere and it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but the relief in it is very real.

Besides, the guy is cute, and Kauri would’ve gone home with him, too.

The ones like you always do.

There’s an unease - he doesn’t always like that things like that are true, about him - and he chases it away by closing his eyes and focusing his thoughts. I want this, I want him - and that part definitely isn’t a lie - and I’ll be safe if I give him this.

“Okay, um, th-thanks,” He says, voice just a little breathy, ducking his head with another shy smile.”I’m, um, I’m up for basically anything, basically always.” He gives a cheeky little grin and a laugh, like that’s a joke he tells to a lot of people and has memorized the timing on. “Just, I’m not trained for-... I don’t go in for pain. That’s it. Hey, so, um, you know my name… what’s yours? So I know what to scream later.”

He’d heard that in a movie once and always kind of wanted to say it.

Cass laughs, broken harmony against Kauri's own. The line is lame but it doesn’t really matter. Kauri makes it charming. He is ridiculously good at this.

"Cass. But usually people just stick with ‘oh, God'," he laughs, moving in closer, grin against grin. He leans in to brush his lip against Kauri's jaw, slow and teasing, hands staying steady on the guy's knee as Kauri hitches in a breath and shivers, turning his head to give Cass a better angle for it. "And I go for anything."

He wants this. They both do. The relief of something familiar and safe. Just a minute of stupid normal. I want this. Cass plants a kiss at the corner of Kauri's jaw. I want him. Cass lets his hand slide from knee to thigh. I'll be safe if I give him this. Cass pulls himself closer in, brings his fingers up to tangle in the dark curls at the nape of Kauri’s neck and… and…

I'll be safe if I want this.

The wave of revulsion that runs through him is slow and sickly, like hot tar, like molasses. Familiar and foreign in the same mouthful.

"Sorry. I, uh," he pulls back and he can feel the ghost of Christopher's hands on his hips, pulling his hair back, lips against his cheek – Don't hesitate, darling boy. Show me what you want.

“Hey… you okay?” Kauri murmurs the words, and it’s with real concern, shivering at the feeling of Cass’s fingers in his hair, slipping his own hands to touch lightly at his ribs on either side, a question and a test.

Cass feels adrenaline gripping him but that's fine, that's good, because wanting and fear walk the same line anyway. I'm an active participant. Which doesn’t feel like the shape of a thought that’s his but is close enough to that it doesn’t matter. He wants this. It's safer to want it. Then you don't have to think. You don't have to feel. That's why places like this are fun, why nights like these are so good.

So like every other night like this, he pulls in close to prettiest guy in the bar, pushes down the resistance in himself, and kisses him fucking senseless.

Kauri’s head tilts back and up for it, twisting his fingers hard into Cass’s shirt to pull him in even closer, until his head bumps back into the wall behind him and he loses his balance, falling back to sitting on the ground with a soft, sweet little laugh, a breath of air before he lets Cass kiss him mindless again.

The safest he’s felt for weeks is times like this, a man’s hands on him, a man’s mouth on his, knowledge and certainty that someone wants him, that he has something to give other people, some way to earn their kindness and repay it. His hands slide up Cass’s neck to tangle in his hair, too, pulling him in as close as he can get on the ground in a dark alley, skin lighting up everywhere they touch.

“H-hey, I can’t, ah-...” He breaks free, and flashes the shy little smile again. He feels so good now, safer, because he’ll be good and he knows Cass meant it when he said he wouldn’t tell, he looks like someone who won’t tell anyone, and Kauri has to trust him. “I don’t… I’m technically homeless. So if you think I’m taking you home, uh… welcome to my house, I guess,” He says, gesturing at the alley around them and then laughing a little to himself.

He’s gotten himself this far, but there’s still a hint of the artificial conditioning twining all his conscious thoughts. I want this is real and true but it’s also what he knows how to say, and I’m safer if I want it, I matter if someone wants me and I want to matter to someone runs under honest desire as he moves to slip his hand up under Cass’s shirt.

“H-how do you, how do you want to… um… this?”

Cass practically vibrates at Kauri's touch and he leans in even closer. Every touch is a relief. His body has been begging for this, for touch, all week

"Well I'd say we could go back to mine but…" Cass thinks of white walls, screaming fluorescents. His tiny quarters with the single bed and the sliding door that Tucker swans in and out of as he pleases. "Mine's not really much of a house either. So I guess we'll just get creative at yours"

He catches Kauri's lips again and pulls himself in closer until he's all but straddling the guy's lap. Kauri moves his body against Cass's like he was custom made for it. He lets his hand come to a gentle rest on the column of the guy's throat, his thumb tracing the line from his chin to his collar and back up again.

This is all Cass has wanted all week. To wrap himself in someone else's wants and just disappear for a bit. And yeah, maybe it feels a little off tonight. A little sickly. Like eating overripe fruit. But it's also been a long time since he's been this close to sober and trying to hook up with someone so who the fuck knows.

"Gotta say, I love what you've done to the place," he adds, breaking the kiss with a grin as he glances around at their elegant surroundings. Kauri laughs, almost a breathless giggle, glad he’s found someone with a real sense of humor even if it’s to keep him from telling anyone who he’s seen. Cass brings his lips to Kauris throat and let's his voice buzz electric along his jugular "I usually swoon for just one dumpster but three? You're such a romantic."

Kauri tips his head back against the wall behind him, staring up into the flat, featureless sky. As soon as Cass says the word Romantic, though, he goes perfectly still. Every muscle tense, for just a second it’s closer to holding a frightened animal than a person.

“Uh, th-thanks,” He manages, shakily, pushing the nerves back down. Just another way to call him a slut, like everyone else does, but he’ll do what he wants and be safer that way. It doesn’t matter if he calls Kauri a whore or a slut or a Romantic, it all means the same thing - people like him. People who can’t stop themselves, who don’t know better, who are nothing and no one unless somebody is touching them.

Cass is nice, and his hands and his mouth feel so good, and it doesn’t matter what he calls Kauri. What matters is giving him what he wants.

He makes himself relax, consciously, and slides his hands around behind Cass, shifting his hips up, letting training take over again until the nervousness could die back down. I matter if someone wants me, it doesn’t matter why or how, I’m safe if I want this.

“If you want, I could, um, could g-go down on you,” Kauri breathes, rolling his hips up.

Cass feels himself grinning at the same moment as he feels his stomach clench in a knot so tight he can hardly breathe. Wanting and fear walk the same line. The latter is easy enough to ignore.

"Fuck yes," he all but moans, swinging his leg around to sit against the wall beside Kauri. Cass fumbles for the button of his jeans. He wants this. Kauri does too. Cass can feel how much he wants this. Kauri wants to feel safe. He wants Kauri to feel safe. And he also wants his brain to shut off and stop screaming discomfort just because the water’s a little muddy.

It doesn't matter if he wants it because it's gonna feel so good once it's happening he won't even care. And then he'll make Kauri feel so good, Kauri won't care either. He won't care about being wanted. He won't care about being safe because Cass will make him feel fucking fantastic.

And all of that would’ve been fine if Cass didn’t look up and catch Kauri’s eyes. He feels the knot in his stomach twist. In less than a second any spark of libido he had had rots and dies. There’s no want in Kauri's eyes. No nervous excitement. It’s not eagerness that’s pulling their bodies in close.

Desperation and terror were just one hell of a cocktail. Especially when finished off with resignation.

Cass closes his eyes and let's his head fall against the wall with a dull thunk.

“No,” he whispers. “No, hold on, stop.”

He really wishes he'd had some ket. Or at least a bit of molly. Just something to blunt the edges of whatever the fuck is happening right now. Something is wrong with him.

"I can't do this," he murmurs, shaking his head. He doesn't open his eyes. "Something's wrong, I can't do this. You don't… you don’t..."

Kauri’s hands are still tangled in Cass’s shirt at first, and he slowly pulls them back, worried, leaning forwards to try and tilt his head and look closer at Cass’s face. No no no no. He’s done something wrong. He doesn’t know what, or how - it had seemed right, like it was all happening the way it was supposed to and soon enough he’d forget to be scared and just feel good things until it was done, and if it was good enough Cass wouldn’t tell anybody about him in case maybe he saw him again.

That’s how it works. Kauri gives, and he gets safety in return. But this isn’t safe.

You don’t even know if you actually want it or if you just think that because they made you. It’s what he thinks the end of that sentence probably is, because it’s what Dustin said when Kauri tried, and it’s what Jake said, and it’s what everyone tells him over and over again. That he can’t even know what he wants, because Owen wanted him brainless and a slut.

“I’m sorry, is it… something I’ve done?”

Cass scoffs a laugh, knocking the back of his head into the brick wall to try and shake his thoughts back straight. What the fuck is he meant to say? Sorry bro, my telepathy killed the mood.

“No,” he says, scrubbing a hand over his face “No you didn’t do anything, you just… you’re just-”

You’re just too fucking close to my kind of broken.

There’s a harsh sort of panic bouncing off of Kauri in waves at the rejection. What the fuck is Cass meant to do though? He can’t pretend like everything’s fine because it’s not. He can’t tell him to piss off because then he’d really be an asshole. He can’t fuck him because it’d be… that’d be...

Cass’ stomach lurches. He slams his hands down against the concrete with a growl, kicks at an empty bottle by his leg. It scrapes harsh against the ground in a loud, grating circle and Cass flinches his foot back like it cut him.

“Jesus Christ, this is fucked,” he says, laughter twisting his voice and making it bitter. He looks over at the person who pulled him out of a bar fight ten minutes ago. This random person who he'd started a bar fight for fifteen minutes ago. This random fucking person he shouldn't give two shits about. Cass shakes his head, "You don't wanna be here, man. Just go home."

Kauri snorts, almost bitterly. “I can’t, remember? I don’t fucking have one. Although I guess I could go sit on the bus…” He sighs, watching Cass - and he’s not always good at reading people’s intentions, but he can read emotions fairly well and he can see that Cass looks nearly sick, either angry or upset, and he just takes in a deep breath, putting his hands up over his face and then down again.

“No, I get it. It’s because I’m a pet, right? It’s, you wanted to see what it’s like with a pet. You saw me with that guy and knew, and you thought you’d try, too, and you can’t… don’t want to, once I’m really here.”

Cass is shaking his head before Kauri even finishes speaking. Who calls themself a fucking pet?

"What the fuck? No. Jesus Christ, no," he screws his face up, rakes his hand through his hair.

Cass can feel something volcanic starting to bubble up inside of him.

He had done everything right tonight. He hadn't had too much to drink. He'd helped some random guy in trouble just because it was the right thing to do. He'd taken Kauri’s lead and then he'd read the warning signs and he'd stopped. He’d fucking stopped. How was he still the bad guy?

"No fucking way are you putting that bullshit on me," he spits. "You're the one who pulled me out here. I was just trying to help. You don't know what you want, then don't fuck with people's heads!"

“Fuck with people’s-” Kauri’s own voice edges with real anger. “I didn’t fuck with anybody’s head! I just, this guy hit on me and bought me a drink, and you showed up and said it was drugged! I didn’t do anything wrong, people talk about wanting to try out pets all the time, I-”

He catches himself, cutting off his own voice all at once like turning off a radio. No no no, if you make him mad he’ll tell someone or he’ll get really really mad or…

Kauri looks away, down at the alleyway pavement, scraping at it lightly with one shoe. “... I’m sorry, I shouldn’t get angry. You were really trying to help, and, and that was really nice of you, to do that. I was just trying to, to pay you back, I guess? Besides, you’re… really fucking cute, so…”

It's the exact same trick he'd tried on the guy inside, Cass realises. Make nice with the wolf and hope that it'll be kind when it eats you alive. It's too familiar and too close and aimed at him and Cass wants to retch. It's burnt sugar disgusting. The desperate need to stay safe, to keep everything calm. No matter the cost. No matter what you give away.

"See, that is exactly what I fucking mean. Two seconds ago you were so mad at me you were basically screaming and now you're apologising and telling me I'm cute just so I'll..."

Cass breaks off, shakes his head, staring up at the hazy not-black of city sky at night. He shoves away the twin claws of rage and confusion as he meets Kauri’s eyes again, tries to keep his voice even and something close to calm.

"Look, I'm not- I'm not gonna say anything, alright? Whatever your deal is, I'm not gonna tell the cops or whatever" Cass tries for a smile "Trust me, I'd be just as fucked."

“Would you really?” Kauri blinks at him, no sign of that earlier flash of anger left, either in his posture or in his expression. He’d done what he’s best at, when it comes to being mad - just pushed it down until he didn’t feel it any longer, and he could see things from the other person’s point of view. Like understanding that Owen was mad because he’d tried to talk to someone when he wasn’t allowed, and that Dustin was mad because Kauri wanted more than he was willing to give, and the way everyone was mad that he wouldn’t sit still.

“And thanks. I won’t tell you what the reward for ‘information regarding my whereabouts’ is, though, if it’s all the same to you.” He tries for a small, slightly sidelong smile, more sincere than his last attempt had been. “Are you a runaway, too? Is there a reward out for you?”

Cass only barely stops himself from balking at the remark. Kauri says it so casually, like having a price on your head is just an everyday annoyance they might be able to bond over. Just all in a day. “Uh… no. No, there isn’t. I would just…” I would just have my contract re-assessed. Risk having my indenture reset. End up permanently locked in the lab. Or back in Christopher’s den. “My, uh, employer wouldn’t be very impressed if you get what I’m saying”

He adjusts his grip on his arm subconsciously, thumb running over the scar that sits along his inner arm. He’s always sort of wondered if one of Tucker’s little chips is there, just sitting by his radial bone, too close to the artery to risk cutting out himself. Guess he’ll never know.

He snaps his attention back to Kauri. Matches the guy’s smile with his own.

“But a reward, huh? Fuck man.” he says. A lofty one at that, apparently. Kauri Grant. Maybe that’s why the name was familiar. He would’ve seen it on the TV or something. Jesus, he’d had to help the one fuckin’ guy with a more tragic backstory than him. He laughs a little, like this is just some sort of watercooler gossip. Mondays, huh? “What did you do, kill your keeper?”

"My, um, my owner. And… no, I-I couldn't-" Kauri's eyes widen with real horror at the thought. "No, I would never have… um, he was, wasn't always that bad… I probably, I just-... I mean I did fuck up, but I didn't hurt anybody."

He looks away from Cass, a little uncomfortably, and says, "He, uh. Got mad when I fucked up. He broke a promise, and I… left. I guess you'd see it eventually, since there's no way I wasn't gonna take my shirt off for you."

He pulls down on the stretched-out neckline of his shirt, and even in the dim alley, a bit of a large, twisted scar shows over his collarbone.

"He paid a lot of money for, for me. I wasn't supposed to be able to leave. I took out the thing he put in to control me."

76 notes · View notes

kata4a · 4 years ago

Text

“Show them,” he said. There weren’t any hints of a threat or any anger in his tone, but she obeyed anyways. She turned her back to us, grabbed the bottom of her shirt and pulled it off.

“Mannequin demands that a candidate changes themselves, and that it be hard. Having just faced the punishment Burnscar gave for failing her test, Cherish wasn’t about to pay his.”

The tattoo stretched from beneath the waist of her low-rise jeans and up the length of her back. The centerpiece was a large festering heart, done as realistically as any tattoo I’d ever seen. It was all in shades of green, covered with ulcers, sores, patches of rot and live maggots. The surrounding tattoos gave the appearance of torn skin revealing the bone and organs beneath, rats and roaches lurking behind ribs and atop her kidneys. Framing the entire thing were words, not done in any elaborate script, but in scrawled letters that looked like they’d been carved into a surface with knives: epithets and invectives.

“She told the artists to make it so ugly she’d want to kill them. If she didn’t, she promised to kill their loved ones and then kill them. Took six artists in total. Inspired.”

Cherish looked over one tattooed shoulder to fix Jack with a stare. It was then that I noticed two things. The first became clear as her skin stretched. There was depth to the tattoos that you didn’t get with a two-dimensional image. Her skin had been scarred and flensed to raise edges and give the images and words a permanence that simple ink wouldn’t have.

The second thing I noticed was her eyes. It was like a light had gone out inside her, just standing there with that tattoo exposed.

“That was the hard one for you, wasn’t it?” Jack smiled. “Even as tired, scared, hurt and desperate as you were after the other five tests, it was when you willingly defaced that young, unblemished body of yours that a little something inside of you broke, and you began thinking of yourself as one of us. Liminality.”

“What was your test, Jack?” Regent asked. I couldn’t tell if he was glad to know his sister suffered or sad for her.

“Oh, I knew it would be almost impossible to top Mannequin’s test. He caught her at the exact right moment, struck the right nerve, and pushed her to her very limits. Still, I think I managed to top it. Turn around, Cherish.”

Like an automaton, she did. More tattoos and scars covered her chest, just as expansive, just as unpleasant to look at. Two nude women, their entwined limbs like the broken legs of a squashed bug, neither attractive in the slightest. One was emaciated, the other morbidly obese, and both were old. More tattoos of rotting and torn flesh framed the scene, and the words forming the border of the tattoos on the front were the opposite of the others, almost worse in their irony and desperation: ‘Take Me’. ‘Please Desire Me’. ‘Want Me’, and more vulgar variations of the same.

“I made her do the other six tests all over again.”

like, fuck

I think was where I first started to ruminate on the ideas that would become this post, since cherish really does kind of perfectly embody that concept

like this isn't actually hot, not exactly - but it hits all the same beats as things that are: body modification, (un)desirability as a thematic motif, the sense of permanency, of a choice from which there's no turning back, the total extinction in one moment of cherie's otherwise incredibly cocky personality

it's the worst parts of my sexuality amped up to eleven; like there are a lot of oh fuck moments in worm but this fucking skewered me, like, just,

cherie, poor, poor cherie

#parahumans #kat's sex life

8 notes · View notes

purpletalewasteland · 5 years ago

Note

Why do you believe jerklie is fake? As in depth as you can please. She’s the one factor I don’t feel confident in. I believe Gaylor, that toe is bs, that Kaylor was real at some point. Where I lose faith is that Karlie and Josh aren’t together. As ridiculous as the wedding was, sometimes they look happy together. Could be they’re just really good gay bff’s.

Sorry it took me awhile to answer, but I didn't want to just write some half-assed response and I have been busy...

To be totally honest, I don't actually know know, so I'll start by saying that. But everything about their interactions scream disgenuine to me, especially prior to the engagement. The biggest thing for me is just "gut", but that's a pretty weak argument that leaves a lot of holes, so I don't expect to convince anyone based on that. Look, I'm fully aware that my answers here are fuel for the anti's, because they're just not sound arguments, and moreso just based off observations and personal inferences. So take it all with a grain of salt.

The thing with these two, is that their interactions leave me the same way that "Shawmila" does. Feeling weird and icky and sad. I'll also say that I know exactly what you mean, because while I don't think they're a real couple, it seems like they're better at playing the game now. But anyway, a few reasons immediately come to mind.

1. She didn't really seem to acknowledge him for a long portion of their relationship. I understand being private, I really do. But if your answer to a question about Grace Kelly is asking where your prince charming is, all while you're in an actual long term relationship, is that really an appropriate reaction? I of course understand making jokes, but that would be kind of hurtful, wouldn't it? And I don't need to mention that the guy happens to be rich, which is kind of a factor in the prince charming fantasy 🙄. Or when you get extremely awkward about being asked how to land a guy when you're so busy being a supermodel, and you avoid it by passing if off to the other girls, more than likely because you cant relate to the question whatsoever (and really could just answer in general terms without getting into your own "specifics")... It's just not typical of someone in such a long term relationship, whether or not you're private about it, whether or not you've got superb PR training. Then there's a lack of being publicly involved with him other than in random pap photos (see below), and also promoting a bunch of his investments.

2. The pap pictures. iirc, there was a post where you could see that she walked to his hotel and then they started their stroll for the paps, which is super odd behavior for a real couple. Why aren't you together to begin with, it's just weird to me. They never even put in effort to seem like a real couple in their early pictures, they just existed in one space at the same time. She was trying to build her brand and create a public association, but I think it's safe to say he was trying to do the same.

He was never pictured in her family gatherings or more personal/intimate events. If he was willing to be a public figure (why do you need pap photos and an entertainment based manager if you don't want to be involved in that world?), he was willing to be linked to her, and willing to be photographed with her, I don't know why you would draw the line at privacy.

And, it's weird how they seem(ed) to post pictures that have been chosen from an over-used batch of stock images, rather than natural, non professional/casual event pictures of the two of them.

3. Then they took their previous strategies and started amping it up during, and prior to, the engagement era. The pap photos increased, suddenly they were pictured being "intimate" and kissing (ew), there were more frequent mentions, she actually started acknowledging him, it was all amped up. Yes, one could argue that by becoming more serious, they decided to make their relationship more serious and bring it into the spotlight. But they had already been together for several years, so I don't understand why that would make a difference, unless they were just super casual for years and just using the relationship for public relations ? That still stinks a bit to me.

4. Included in this increased effort was a very quick engagement, and then a half assed wedding. To me, it seems natural that if you're not rushing to get engaged, you wouldn't rush to tie the knot. You would give your damn designer more time than a rush order for 3 weeks, would you not ? And why was that such a short timeline ? Why even go through with the first one if you're planning on waiting for a bigger one later ? I mean, why?? It just doesn't add up. Clearly there was some kind of deadline happening behind scenes, even if you think they're real, something was going on there. I also personally believe that it wasn't supposed to leak out that day, and we probably would have seen a different unfolding of events had things gone differently. The latergram wedding video at least showed there was more than what we had originally seen, but I also find it strange that the photos from that day have been the same.

4. Despite this increase in effort and the "wedding", the fact still remains: there's no chemistry. I'm sorry, but there isn't. That's not a reach. It's not wishful thinking. I'm not being rude. They just don't have chemistry. Those kissing photos ? It looks awkward and uncomfortable. That tells me something is up. I know it's mostly photos, but I still don't see genuine connection. It's just not there. This is the biggest factor to why I personally don't think they're real, whatsoever. There's one photo of them in particular where it's just so glaringly obvious they have no feelings toward each other and just can't possibly be each other's type. But maybe that's presumptuous of me. I hate stereotyping and making judgments, so I won't say it, but I'm sure you can pick up what I'm laying down.

I know that doesn't answer your question, because you want to know why I still think they are fake, despite Karlie's sudden acting chops and they're commitment to the stunt.

But I have a few other things to add.

For one thing, Karlie's public persona shifted around the time of the engagement. She used to be very friendly with other models, she had lots of friends in Taylor's crowd, she posted more genuine moments of having fun, etc, and more recently, a lot of that side of her has gone dark. When she posts something about friends, it's usually another client of Scooter's, or someone with whom she has a business relationship. I believe this is because her friends didn't want to partake in the farce, and don't want to be associated with that nastiness. It's a natural progression for a model to stop walking in shows when their career amps up, but it seems like her entire approach to her career and business has shifted around the same time. I think she's focusing on being more of an influencial figure in the media, rather than a model per se. I do think these things are connected. I think she finds a level of comfort and connection to the industry by being associated with that crew.

On that note, is it possible that they're like a fake fake couple, as in legitimately pretending to everyone that they're together even though everyone knows they aren't, and they sleep in separate bedrooms and it's all just convenience and there's no sex but there's an open door policy for both parties to just do what they want in their own free time and probably have side relationships? Sure. But if that's the case, then I would think Karlie wouldn't be in her own long term relationship with Taylor.

I do think it's possible that they are actually friends. In fact, I think this is very likely, as she doesn't look like she wants to die when she's pictured with him. She seems comfortable enough traveling with him and doing these stunts, so something in her has shifted to give her the ability to switch codes so well. Of course we don't want to think that, but I think she's probably just bit the bullet and decided to make it easier on herself.

So where does that leave us ? Obviously there's a lot about this situation that we know nothing about. The guy is a crook, we can all agree on that. Sadly, in Hollywood/wealthy land, being a shady fuck doesn't have quite the same reaction that it does in the real world. Money talks, connections talk, and so does that yacht money. Why is Karlie a willing player in this game ? Has she realized that the Trump association clearly doesn't cause as many issues as we may have assumed back in 2016? Has she chosen to continue this sherade because it's done wonders for their goal of erasing Kaylor connections? Has she chosen the path of least resistance because it's been a long few years and she's too tired to fight anymore? Has she decided she doesn't have the ability to reach the desired heights of her career with just her own hard work and merit ? Is she actually just not a good person and totally fine with rolling around in corrupt money and laughing straight to the bank ? *This one hurts*, but has she lost a big part of her life and has thus decided she no longer has anything to lose, so why the fuck not ? I don't know. All these things run through my mind, and I wish we had some form of an answer, but sadly don't think we will anytime soon.

I really don't know, anon. I read through my answers here and realize I'm not actually so convinced myself, anymore. Of the four things I said yesterday I was so sure of, this one is the one I'm least sure of, though I would think if they were "real" it would be more of the platonic scenario I described above, and not an actual loving relationship. Karlie is a loose cannon. We don't have brilliant lyrics to analyze and look to for answers. We don't have a history of patterns to look at, to try and find holes in the narrative. It's just a different game here.

Now, if the entire plan all along has been to erase the Kaylor connection, to even make us Kaylors doubt, then they've done a brilliant job of that. Because it's glaringly obvious that she's losing our support and faith.

I'm sorry that I can't give you more than that.

#ask #kaylor #jerklie #the ultimate question mark

38 notes · View notes

valdez-and-the-argo-crew · 5 years ago

Text

God!Percy fic chapter 2

Previous chapter: https://valdez-and-the-argo-crew.tumblr.com/post/190161565556/godpercy-fic-chapter-1

I woke up to the shimmering form of Annabeth standing at the foot of my bed.

“Di imortales!” I exclaimed, sitting up and pulling a shirt on.

“Rise and shine, Seaweed Brain.” She laughed. She looked more mature than I remember, although that might be because I still remember her as a 16 year old, rather than a 26 year old.

“A little warning would be great, you can’t just Iris message me out of nowhere when you know full well I’m trying to get my beauty sleep.” I pouted.

“Percy it’s like noon where you are, don’t you have like, camp duties to do?” She asked.

“Yeah probably but I haven’t slept in a hot minute, god stuff ya know? Anyways...” I shrugged. “Why are you calling?”

“I just wanted you to know that I’m on my way over, Grover and I left Camp Jupiter yesterday. Had to stop so my pegasus could rest, but we’ll be there probably late afternoon, maybe early evening.” She said.

“Alright cool!” I smiled wide. I hadn’t seen Annabeth in person since the winter solstice, so it was good to finally be seeing her.

The iris message vision started to flicker and fade slowly. It made me kinda sad because now that I’m talking to her, it made me realize just how much I miss her.

“I got to go, but I’ll see you then, Aquaman.” She laughed.

I rolled my eyes at the nickname. “Whatever you say Wise girl.”

She laughed and shook her head as the message faded to almost nothing. “Oh! By the way...you still drool when you sleep.”

With that, the Iris Message faded away completely and I was alone again, but this time with something to look foreword to.

With a very dramatic sigh, I rolled out of bed and grabbed one of my many orange shirts and tugged it over my head. I looked in the mirror I hung over my bed, and noticed my hair was an absolute disaster.

I used my Very Impressive Godly Powers to fix it, since that took absolutely no effort. Theoretically I could look however I wanted, but I chose to look like regular me aging at a regular pace. So basically I look not a day over 25.

After I finish getting ready, I grab riptide off my night stand and I head out the door to the arena. Nothing like a little sword practice in the morning to get me amped up.

I dragged out a training dummy from the shed and start hacking away at it.

I practiced on the dummy until any mortal would’ve been exhausted, but of course I hadn’t broken a sweat. I capped riptide and put the dummy back just as the conch sounded for lunch.

I wasn’t hungry but I walked to the dining hall anyways, sitting at the head table next to Chiron. I grabbed a square of ambrosia and took a bite, washing it down with nectar. Being a god had its perks, like being able to have ambrosia without consequences.

“Afternoon, Percy,” Chiron smiled warmly.

I acknowledged his greeting with a nod as I had more ambrosia.

“Always the appetite,” Chiron chuckled as I finished.

“Hey, don’t judge me I can do what I want.” I laughed. I looked out to all the campers eating and talking at the tables. There were even more campers than yesterday, since more campers keep flooding in. Most of them were claimed right as they crossed past Thalia’s tree, but a few joined Jamie in the Hermes cabin.

Speaking of Jamie, I noticed he looked left out. He was picking at his lunch and hardly talking. I frowned and got up.

“I’ll be back,” I told Chiron, walking away from the head table and over to Jamie. He noticeably perked up when he saw me.

“Percy!” He smiled widely.

“Hey buddy,” I said, standing behind him. I looked at Jacob. “Is there room for me to sit?”

“There’s plenty of room.” He smiled and gestured for me to sit.

I squeezed in next to Jamie, who, once again clung to my arm. He stopped picking at his food and started eating.

I wondered why it was, that Jamie found so much comfort in me, that allowed him to open up. He kept shoveling food down his face, until he finally washed it down with the apple juice in his goblet.

Soon lunch was over. Afternoon activities began, but I went down to the ocean to think. I stepped into the water and walked until my head was all the way under.

As always, I felt calmer here. I felt safer and protected. Thanks dad.

I looked at the passing fish, talking to a few of them as they pass by. Fish aren’t usually very intelligent so it was mostly one sided.

I tread further into the water, the silt and sand in the water swirling around my arms and legs as I walked.

It was silent down here. The only sound was the gentle waves lapping above in a mesmerizing rhythm. The pull of the undertow dragged me farther out, and I obliged, following the current out to sea.

I held out my hands and willed my godly power to flow through my hands and to the water in front of me. I created air bubbles and manipulated the water, just having a bit of fun. I’d never really had a chance to do this before, even though I could’ve done exactly what I’m doing now countless times.

When Zeus told me I was going to be assigned to camp half blood for a while, he took away some of my powers, sort of like a parental control lock (or in this case, divine uncle lock). He said that if I was to be the first god campers interacted with, I shouldn’t have all my powers, because Zeus doesn’t trust me not to loose control. I can’t even tell which camper has which god as a parent, which is unfortunate, because I could’ve helped Jamie.

I focused back on the water, willing it to become a violent raging whirlpool for about a minute, before calming it down again.

What else could I do with my powers?

I didn’t have my own domain like my dad or any of the Big Gods, so as far as I could tell my powers were just my regular Son Of Poseidon powers...but I felt more powerful.

I walked farther into the water and created little ripples of water all around me. I was like Elsa, but less ice-princess-y and more lame-god-playing-around-underwater.

Just for laughs, I made a snowman out of sand, but it quickly fell apart. I laughed and sent a wave over where it had been to dispel the sand.

I created a few more waves just to see if I could. Each one was bigger than the next, though they always fell away before reaching the shore.

I felt free. I miss being able to harness the water while fighting some giant big bad evil person or monster. But quests are reserved for demigods. Maybe I’ll go off and slay some monsters for fun.

I willed a giant wave to form. The kind that knocks you under and spins you around and you’re left directionless with salt water in your nose and mouth. I wasn’t going to let the wave loose, I just wanted to see how big and dangerous I could make a wave.

But a dumb fish distracted me and caused me to let go of the wave, causing it to head directly for Camp Half Blood.

Crap.

That wave was like 10 feet tall and fast moving.

I propelled myself foreword in the water, trying to catch up with the wave. I could tell people at camp had already noticed it, and had started to take cover.

I broke through the wave and ran to the shore, yelling at a few stray campers to get out of my way. I finally got to a good enough distance away and turned around, my hands extended, willing the wave to break apart.

The wave wasn’t listening.

It barreled towards me and the few campers who weren’t smart enough to scram.

“STOP!” I yelled at the wave, using every ounce of power I had to break the wave.

Still nothing.

I started to panic. I’d created a tidal wave that was about to destroy part of camp.

I closed my eyes and braced for the wave to hit, but it never came. Instead came the last voice I’d expected to hear.

“You have an explanation for this?”

I opened my eyes and saw a middle aged guy in a Hawaiian shirt. My dad. He didn’t look happy.

I was about to start talking but Chiron walked over, arms crossed and disappointment evident. I feel like I’m back at a parent teacher conference.

“My bad?” I said with a weak laugh.

“Percy you sent a tidal wave at your camp.” My father scolded. “Why were you making tidal waves?”

“I was just bored.” I mumbled, looking down at the sand.

“My boy, when you’re bored, you make sand castles, you talk to the local fish, you don’t destroy your camp.” Poseidon said firmly.

“I know. I’m sorry.” I said, trying to look him in the eye.

I noticed a few campers starting to gather around, including Jamie.

“Perhaps we’d better take this to thenBig House,” Chiron suggested.

“I agree, though I can’t stay for long.” Poseidon nodded. Chiron and I walked to the Big House while Poseidon just teleported.

Inside, I sat on a couch, trying to take the glare of the god and centaur who were currently mad at me. It wasn’t easy.

“Tell us again what happened, Percy.” Chiron looked at me.

“I just wanted to have a little fun, and to see what I can do.” I explained.

“But you’re smart enough to know what you’re doing. Why the tidal wave?” Poseidon crossed his arms.

“I promise I never meant to send it towards camp. I was going to make the wave go away after I finished forming it but some little minnow distracted me.” I said.

“What I want to know is why you were making a wave that big.” Chiron looked at me for an answer.

I shrugged and sighed. “I miss the adrenaline of a fight, one where I can just call upon everything I have and take down a monster with my power and sword. I’ve just been here for 10 years with nothing to do.”

“But you happily agreed to train sword fighting,” Chiron said.

“And I love it, but it’s not enough. I want to just battle monsters...but all the quests go to the demigods.”

“Percy, you will have plenty of time in your life to experience fighting with all your strength. The next time a great prophecy is issued, I know we gods will have to get involved.” Poseidon said. “Be patient my son. And try to contain yourself, okay?”

“I know, I really am sorry.” I said sincerely.

A moment of uncomfortable silence passed between the three of us.

“Right, well I’d best be headed back to my kingdom. It was good to see both of you.” Poseidon smiled, going back to his usual warm demeanor.

“We can see you out,” Chiron said, opening the door for my dad and me.

To my surprise, someone was leaning against the porch railing, polishing her dagger absentmindedly. Just the sight of her made me completely forget about what had happened.

“Annabeth!” I smiled wide and ran forward to give her a hug. “Where’s Grover?”

“In the woods with Juniper. Talked about her the whole way back.” She laughed, and then noticed my dad behind me.

“Lord Poseidon...? What brings you here?” Annabeth asked, looking between him and Chiron. Great, my dad is going to humiliate me in front of my best friend.

“Oh nothing, there was just a mishap off the sound so I came here to assure everything was alright. Percy can tell you about it later.”

Annabeth raised an eyebrow, turning her head towards me. I felt myself go red so I looked away.

“Anyways, it’s good to see you seaweed brain.” Annabeth smiled.

“You too, Owl head,” I quipped back. “We were just gonna walk back to the shore. Come with?”

“I see no reason not to.” She shrugged. The four of us started walking back to the beach. We were almost there when Poseidon paused.

“While I’m here, I suppose there is one thing I need to do.” He said and turned to look at the crowd of campers that were following us. He pointed right at Jamie, and I knew what he was going to say in an instant. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

Annabeth noticed too. I could see out of the corner of my eye that she was looking between me, Jamie and Poseidon.

The jet black, windswept hair, the sea green eyes, the fierce expression and inquisitive smile, and even though my skin tone was slightly darker than his, we both had the same beach-y tan look...

“Jamie Reed,” Poseidon smiled and beckoned him forward. “It’s nice to meet you, my son.”

A collective gasp arose from the campers who had tethered around. Poseidon put his hand on Jamie’s shoulder and a sea green trident lit up above Jamie’s head. The little boy was awe struck.

Chiron stepped forward. “All hail Jamie Reed, brother to Percy, and Son of the ocean, the earth shaker; Poseidon”

#percy jackson #pjo #percy and grover #pjoverse #percy jackon and the olympians #pjo stuff #incorrect pjo quotes #pjo text post #percabeth #poseidon #rick riordan #chiron #chb #camp half blood #god!percy #gods of olympus #grover underwood #greek mythology #annabeth chase

18 notes · View notes

aftermathdb · 5 years ago

Text

DEATH BATTLE Review: Goro vs. Machamp

Episode 125 is Goro vs. Machamp! A four-armed forearmed fight!

Mostly because I don’t tend to cover the intros, the dynamic poses that are featured in the intros is actually pretty interesting. It was almost worth the nightmare faces we got in the earlier episodes of this season…

ALMOST.

Goro′s Preview.

So, we open on Boomstick singing the Mortal Kombat theme song, and declaring that the first boss of the game was a beast.

We go over Goro, and exactly what he is. As a half-dragon hybrid, Goro

And after going over some of Goro’s fighting styles, like the Shokan style annd the Kuatan style, we get into our first Animated segment.

There’s also a bit of a segment where we find out that Boomstick’s ex left him for a guy with four arms, which… Probably explains that one joke from Roshi-Jiraiya a bit too well.

Anyways, Goro once fought Kotal Khan, who once did this:

And as one of the strongest kombatants, Goro scales to the other fighters.

Like Rayden, who blew up a temple with about 270 tons of TNT.

Or Kabal, who could keep pace with speeds nearing Mach 3.

As the strongest Shokan, Goro scales to other of his kind.

Kintaro survived a 25 Ton explosion, so it’s reasonable that Goro can do the same.

Despite all his failures, Goro’s determination and sheer bloodlust has given him the drive to keep on fighting, no matter what.

Machamp′s Preview.

As we get into the Machamp, we go over the evolutionary line.

The Machop strives to master all kinds of martial arts. Eventually, they gain enough to evolve into a Machoke. And once they’ve left the nest, the Machoke can then move on to become the 5′3″, 286 lb, Machamp.

The Machamp teds to enjoy helping people, whether on the battlefield or in day-to-day life.

With a large moveset, Machamp is a certifiable threat to any Normal, Ice, Rock, Dark, and even Steel types.

And according to the Pokédex, we have some feats.

Now, the Pokédex isn’t as reliable, but the 1000 punch thing is verifiable in Pokkén Tournament. So not everything is off the table. Punching 1000 times in 2 seconds, that would have to be a bit over the speed of sound.

And to move mountains, that could be anywhere between 8 to 30 kilotons of TNT.

And it’s actually not that ridiculous.

Seismic toss can be nearly 130 kilotons of TNT! And with that, we get into the next Animated segment.

I kinda cut off the part where Wiz talks about the Machamp fan site, and where Boomstick accuses his ex of running it… Which is both hilarious and kinda sad.

But the Machamp is a favorite among many Gym Leaders, and is an excellent addition to any roster.

The Battle Itself.

David Fisher as the main animator, Goro will be voiced by Lucas Schuneman and Machamp will be voiced by Kestin Howard And yes. They literally hired a guy just to say “Machamp” over and over. Four Fist Death Punch by Therewolf, and audio led by Chris Kokkinos.

So the fight starts off with Goro polishing his trophies when Machamp shows up. Goro, being insulted that what showed up wasn’t another Shokan, challenges Machamp, and Machamp, being a Machamp, accepts.

So, right off the bat, it’s hard to say who has any definitive advantages. But Machamp does land the first hit and knocks Goro away. So Goro grabs his weapons to counter-attack and hopefully get an edge-up.

Machamp, not a fan of being slashed at, uses Knock-Off to get rid of the weapons, so they weren’t really that big of a factor.

And can we appreciate for a moment, Goro’s look of surprise here?- It’s honestly a little funny. Machamp forces Goro away, which leads to…

This. Machamp’s look of surprise seems to indicate that Goro has the speed advantage, but Machamp’s look of surprise is hoestly just as funny as Goro’s above.

So, after knocking him down, Goro goes for a stomp.

But Machamp uses Seismic Toss!

Machamp Dabbed! It’s supper effective!

Goro gets Machamp in a grapple after getting out of Machamp’s bear hug, and starts a combo… kombo? Anyways, Machamp is able to recover just fast enough to cause a block.

And this is where Machamp having a VA reaches peak levels of hilarity.

Anyways, Machamp uses either superior skill or superior strength (possibly both) to start his own beatdown.

Goro is only able to narrowly escape to toss Machamp out through a wall.

But Machamp doesn’t give up easily, and literally busts through the doors and attacks.

So Goro uses his fire breath.

(It’s not very effective…)

(Machamp got burned!)

(Machamp’s Guts activated!)

So with physical power now amped up, Machamp starts laying the beatdownn on Goro.

And both of them start losing limbs.

So we’re nearing the end.

Finishing Blow in

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

(Goro is unable to battle! Permanently!)

(Machamp Fainted!)

Verdict + Explanation.

So, this was… definitely an experience…

Right off the bat, Goro actually had the advantage in height. Excluding the Galar-exclusive Gigantamax and Dynamax forms, Goro towers over Machamp.

And Goro actually outsped Machamp.

Matching Kabal gives him that advantage. But it doesn’t matter because Machamp was too well-equipped to beat. Knock Off and Guts were good counters to Goro’s weapons, and flame breath.

And even if they didn’t, Machamp’s power eclipses Goro’s.

Seismic Toss is several thousand times more powerful than anything that Goro scales to, and then some. And with all the experience fighting in the wild, Machamps aren’t exactly going to go down that easily in a fight.

Overall impression.

While I’m not a fan of using the Pokédex as a source of information, this episode gave some good justifications to at least consider it. It’s honestly surprising that the whole “Moving mountains” thing is actually kinda a lowball, though I’m not a fan of using gameplay cutscenes for stuff like that.

The way that each fighter was covered was also very unique. While Goro got a standard “here’s your fighter, here’s what he’s capable of and what he ca do,” Machamp kinda got a documentary-style rundown, which is defiantly fun to see. Anytime a character gets a special style rundown is always fun to watch.

8.7/10

Next Time…

Well, can’t say that this wasn’t inevitable…

Here’s to a future fight of fantastic proportions!

Is there a fight that you want me to review? - Send an ask/request, and I’ll look into it!

Do you want to read my fanfic based around DEATH BATTLE itself? click here!

Thank you for reading, and I hope to see you next time for…

Fight of the future.

#Death Battle #Deathbattle #review

7 notes · View notes

the--sad--hatter · 6 years ago

Text

Name Calling (16)

FANDOM - MARVEL MCU

PAIRING - BUCKY X READER (female reader, no physical descriptions)

WARNINGS - ALL OF THEM, SMUT, VIOLENCE ANGST

DESCRIPTION - In which the ongoing and bloody war of words between you and Bucky turns in your favor when a disgruntled one night stand of his lets slip a secret when you run into her in the elevator… Now you have all the ammunition you need to destroy your enemy but you don’t plan on killing him quickly. Oh no, Bucky Barnes was going to suffer and you were going to enjoy every second. You just didn’t count on how much you would enjoy it.

MASTERLIST

Chapter Sixteen - The Circle Of Life

The next few days passed by in a blur for you. You hadn’t cried once since Thor had gently pried your mother away from you and carefully placed her in the back of a car, as soon as she was out of sight you had felt a numbness in the centre of your heart spread through you and it had yet to go away. Thor had made a convoluted and intense vow to watch over your mother for you until she was laid to rest and you distinctly remembered thinking that you should be grateful but you had only nodded.

The whole drive away from the church you were dimly aware of Bucky reaching over from the drivers seat between gear changes to take your hand and utter soothing platitudes to you. When he had pulled over and you saw the quinjet you didn’t react in any way until Tony opened your car door and pulled you into his arms. You saw Thor, carefully move your mothers body that was wrapped in his cape and turned your head away, burying it in Tony’s chest and closing your eyes. Wanda’s voice said something you didn’t quite hear and there was a flash of red behind your eyelids then there was nothing, only blessed unconsciousness.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Tony had insisted on a funeral and you had silently given consent. He had pulled out every stop to try and find your mothers name for the Tombstone, ran her through every facial recognition database, personally checked missing persons from the year before your birth, he had even reached out to Xavier, hoping that since she was a mutant someone at that school would recognise her. Nobody had. It was with guilt that he told you he had failed to find out who she was and asked what you would like to have carved on her tombstone when Thor had suggested cremation.

Thor told you how they said farewell to their dead on Asgard and you had agreed to it, thinking it was probably a nice tribute. You didn’t remember much of the ceremony itself, didn’t remember Tony’s speech or the many condolences of the team who’d come to support you. You only remembered the flickering of the flames from a distance as a cold metal hand encased yours.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“I don’t know how to help her.” Tony lamented to Pepper.

It had been three weeks since you had found your mother in that Church. Nobody begrudged you your solitude or silence but you were acting like you were the one who was dead. You wouldn’t come out of your room unless somebody suggested it and you did whatever was asked of you robotically. You wouldn’t speak unless spoken to and answered in short, forwards sentences.

Even when he had first taken you in, there was life in you. It was in the way you skittishly followed him around or suspiciously prodded at everyday household items. Now there was nothing behind your eyes, just a terrifying blankness.

“I don’t know that you can Tony, maybe the only thing that can make her feel better is time.” Pepper had suggested.

But that wasn’t true. Finding the person who had done this to you would make you feel better. Tony had amped up the search for Docherty, determined to make him pay for what he had done. Steve and Bucky were constantly out, kicking down doors of suspected Hydra supporters and chasing down leads. Natasha was pressing every contact she had for even a speck of information. So far they had nothing.

The anniversary of when Tony had found you was fast approaching and an idea was beginning to form in his mind. Maybe a funeral hadn’t helped you move on but a celebration could. You needed to rediscover the joy in life and be with the people who loved you.

“I’m going to throw her the best birthday party she has ever had.” Tony announced to Sam the next morning.

“Has she ever had a birthday party?” Sam asked with a frown.

“Well she doesn’t want to celebrate the actual day she was born so last year we celebrated the anniversary of day she came to live with me.” Tony explained.

“Uh huh, and how exactly did you celebrate?” Sam prodded.

“A family dinner, in the lab. On the floor.” Tony admitted.

“So an indoor picnic?”

“Technically yes, you could call it that. Where is this going?”

“She’s never had a party party, don’t you think it could be overwhelming for her? I mean it would be overwhelming anyway but with the way she is right now Tony...”

“Nope, it’s a brilliant idea. It’s her first official birthday as a Stark, she needs to learn how to party like a Stark!” Tony crowed, backing away excitedly, plans already forming in his head.

Nobody was going to talk him out of this. Sam just decided to stick close to you on the day and hope Tony knew what he was doing. Stark did know you better than anybody he begrudgingly conceded, maybe this would be just the thing to get you back to the land of the living.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The next week was a flurry of activity as Tony rushed to get everything prepared. Or more accurately, Pepper did. Thoroughly vetted decorators and caterers were bustling in and out of the compound and Tony sent invites to everyone he could think of that you might want there. Throughout it all you stayed in your little bubble of empty sadness, unaware of the preparations being made around you.

The morning of your birthday you woke up to Natasha letting herself into your room but you couldn’t bring yourself to open your eyes and sit up. She sat on the side of your bed and you felt her brush a strand of hair back from your face.

“Look at me Kotonok.” She instructed softly.

Your eyes flickered open to look at her and she smiled softly at you.

“I know you’re struggling and I don’t blame you. What happened was something nobody should ever have to go through. I know what she said, before she died. All those years, she never forgot you and that is tragic, yes but it also means she loved you. More than anything. So she wouldn’t want you to feel this way. You can’t change how she lived or how she died but you can do right by the love she had for you and her memory by changing how you live.”

“Sure. I’ll try.” You said despondently.

Natasha stood up and whipped the covers off of you.

“Try harder. Breakfast is ready in the kitchen.” She instructed firmly.

You blinked up at her in surprise as she sashayed away. She paused at the door and looked over her shoulder at you.

“Oh and Kotonok? Happy Birthday.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

By the time you pulled yourself out of bed and padded out of your room, Tony was waiting in the hallway for you impatiently.

“There’s the birthday girl!” He whooped excitedly.

You tried to smile for him, though it probably came out as more of a grimace. He very kindly pretended not to notice and opened his arms for you. You tucked yourself into his chest and wrapped your arms around him obligingly.

“I didn’t know my birthday was today.” You muttered.

“Well thankfully I am well aware of how long I’ve been lucky enough to have you in my life and no matter what else is going on, it’s something I need to celebrate. Think you can help me with that Kiddo?” He asked you.

You nodded, determined to try and shove your complicated emotions aside for the day and give Tony what he asked for. He pulled you off him and held onto your shoulders, looking down at you seriously.

“The team is gathered in the kitchen, they’re excited to spend the day with you but they will also understand if it’s too much for you. So I have a quinjet on standby to take us to Malibu, just me you and Pepper. Either way, whatever we do is fine by me and everybody else. All you have to do is pick a direction.” He said seriously.

You were touched by the thoughtfulness of the gesture and considered your options. You wanted to spend the day with your friends, you really did. You had missed them, even though they had been there. The problem is you weren’t, you were a million miles away. Could you bring yourself back to them to enjoy this day or would you just end up hurting their feelings when you failed to be anything other than miserable?

Natasha had already given you your answer. You owed this to your mother and to yourself, to live the best life you could. You were lucky enough to have a lot of people who wanted to see you happy and were patient enough to wait for you to find your own way to it.

“You know what? I’m kinda starving.” You told Tony.

“Kitchen it is!” He decreed and threw his arm around your shoulders, leading you away.

“I’m proud of you Kit Kat.” He whispered in your ear and for the first time in weeks you felt something other than that suffocating numbness. You felt warm.

When Tony had said the whole Team was in the kitchen, you hadn’t pictured this. Everyone was making breakfast as a group effort. It was almost funny to watch.

Natasha was sat cross legged on the counter and shouting instructions to everybody. Steve was at the hob, flipping pancakes, Clint beside him grilling bacon. Sam was whisking something in a bowl next to Thor who was studiously dipping strawberries in a pot of melted chocolate and setting them down on grease paper. Vision was arranging pastries while Wanda was making what looked like hot chocolate. Even Bucky was setting the table.

You had two seconds to take in the perplexing, chaotic scene before Pepper swept you into her arms and everybody noticed you were there. The next few minutes was a flurry of hugs and well wishes before you were ushered into a seat at the head of the table. A veritable feast of goodies was plated and set on the table under Natasha’s watchful eye and everyone piled into their chairs around you.

Tony thrust a mimosa into your hand that was immediatley snatched away by Wanda and replaced by a mug of steaming hot chocolate. Everyone started passing around plates, shovelling food onto their own and passing the platters around. Every few seconds, somebody would dump something else onto your plate.

The corners of your lips began to twitch upwards.

“Thank you.” You quiet statement of gratitude cut through the chattering and everybody fell silent, one by one as they turned to look at you.

“Just. Thank you.” You repeated, with as much conviction as you could muster.

Everybody grinned happily at you for about three seconds before Sam loudly complained that Bucky had snatched the last of the bacon and the chattering rose up again in full force.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

After breakfast you were positive you had taken a wrong turn on your way back to your room because you appeared to have stepped into a chick-flic movie. You were currently naked save for a towel draped over you, lying on your stomach while a stranger pressed their fingers into your back muscles. If you turned your head slightly to the left you could see Natasha having her nails painted and to your right, Pepper was having her hair saturated with some kind of oil. Wanda and Darcy who had arrived after breakfast were somewhere behind you. There was champagne, there was music, there were make overs happening. It was definitely Tony’s fault.

“So what’s Cap like on a date? Totally old fashioned or did he put out?” Darcy called out to you.

“I would love to hear you ask him if he “puts out”.” You told Darcy, knowing full well she would do it.

“I don’t think the Captain is the super soldier you’re hoping will put out.” Natasha said softly from beside you.

You froze up, causing your masseuse to tut at you before you relaxed again. Natasha had whispered it so only you could hear her.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You muttered.

“So nothing happened between you two at the safehouse? You looked pretty heated in the alleyway that night.” She teased.

Disadvantages of being half naked included the blush rapidly covering your skin being visible to her.

“Nope, just a little stabbing and drugging. Some choking.” You stammered.

“Sounds fun.” She purred.

You needed out of this conversation and fast.

“Hey Wanda, does Vis put out? Can Vis put out?” You asked, throwing her under the bus to save your own skin.

The diversion worked as Wanda giggled, unfortunately you were then treated to more information about Visions anatomy than you’d ever wanted to hear as Darcy cackled loudly.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

One very thorough afternoon of pampering later you decided you understood the hype about it. You really did feel like a new woman, as cliché as it may be. Every knot of tension had been rubbed from your body and every inch of you from bottom to top was scrubbed, waxed, moisturised, oiled and buffed to absolute perfection.

There had been several bottles of Champagne and while you still weren’t even close to tipsy, you were calm and starting to remember what happiness felt like. Though that probably had more to do with the company. Pepper had ushered all the women back to your room to get ready for the fancy dinner that had been arranged as the finale of your birthday.

Natasha was currently zipping you into the gorgeous dress Wanda had gifted you. It was low cut but classy, tight around the bodice and flaring out into a knee length skirt that whooshed around your knees every time you moved. It was made of the softest material you had ever felt and was the richest shade of your favourite colour you had ever seen.

“It’s beautiful Wanda, I love it! Thank you so much.” You told her earnestly.

“I’m glad you like it sestra, it looks wonderful on you.” She grinned back.

“Me next!” Darcy shrieked and bounced forwards, thrusting a brightly wrapped box at you.

You carefully started peeling the paper away and Darcy tutted, taking your hands and making you rip at it. You rolled your eyes and messily snatched the paper off the shoebox. Inside was a pair of the highest, most dangerous looking black heels you had ever seen.

“I know you don’t know how to walk in them all that well buuuuut, you should use that super balance for something. Besides they’ll make your ass look amazing and look, the heels are pointy. You could totally kill somebody with them.” She explained, making stabby motions with one of the shoes to illustrate her point.

“They are pretty bad ass. And stunning.” You admitted.

You pulled them on and did use your enhanced balance and reflexes to make sure you stayed upright as you walked around the room.

“Push your shoulders back and your chest out, swing your hips a little,” Natasha instructed.

You dutifully obeyed and while you felt ridiculous, the hollers and cheers from the women made you feel better.

“Alright, they are an awesome gift.” You conceded happily.

“Damn straight.” Darcy said smugly.

Pepper came up behind you and gently lowered something around your neck. You glanced down at the locket as she clasped it shut and gasped lightly. The dainty heart shaped locket had the Avengers symbol carefully carved into it.

“Pepper I...” You began but she shushed you.

“Open it.” She instructed.

You did and nearly teared up. On one side of the locket was a small picture of you, her and Tony. You were all smiling at the camera and you remembered the day, exactly a year ago when it had been taken. The three of you had been sat on the floor of Tony’s lab in the tower when Dum-E had come along with a camera. It was a good memory.

On the other side of the locket was a small drawing of your mother, smiling and healthier than you’d ever seen her in life.

“I had help from a certain artistically inclined Captain for that.” Pepper informed you.

You were speechless. You turned and threw your arms around her neck, hugging her tightly.

“Happy Birthday sweetheart.” She muttered into your hair as she pressed a kiss to your temple.

“Well who’s ready to…. Eat. Who’s ready to eat? I’m starving!” Darcy cried, tapering off at the end and you turned round to see Natasha and Wanda glaring at her.

“She’s right, we should head to dinner.” Wanda said.

The five of you excitedly piled out of your room in your beautiful dresses and headed for your Birthday dinner. You realised with shock you were actually looking forward to it. The elevator took you to the floor Tony had cleared out for the extended family meal and the girls pushed out out of it first. You nearly jamp back into it in fright.

“SURPRISE”

You gaped like a fish out of water at the room before you. It was full of people, most of whom you knew. In fact it looked like everybody you knew was here, Tony stood in front of the crowd with his arms spread proudly.

“Um hello?” You squeaked.

Darcy and Wanda sniggered behind you and pushed you forwards. You teetered nervously over to Tony who grabbed you and pulled you into the air, swinging you around.

“Happy Birthday Kit Kat!” He yelled in your ear and there were cheers from the crowd.

“What’s happening?” You asked with wide eyes.

Same came to your rescue and plucked you from Tony’s arms.

“Surprise Birthday Party.” He explained.

“So what do you think?” Tony asked proudly, preening.

“Well it was definitely a surprise.” You chuckled.

“Come on, let me show you the main attractions.” Tony said, pulling you along.

You shot a helpless look back at Sam who was already following you.

Tony had really gone way overboard, he had packed every kind of Birthday attraction he could think of into the large room. There was obviously a fully stocked bar, a catered buffet and a DJ but there was also a bouncy castle, complete with attached ball pit, an arcade station with platforms for something called “Dance Party” and a gigantic Twister mat.

“It was actually Sam’s idea.” Tony explained.

“What? Why am I getting the credit for this?” Sam asked with a comical look of confusion.

“Well like you said, she’s never had a birthday party. So I have years to make up for.” Tony said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

You looked around in utter shock and tears began to gather in your eyes.

“Oh shit. No don’t cry. I can make everyone leave, I’ll fix it.” Tony said in a panic, poking you in the eye with a napkin.

You launched yourself into his arms and held on to him for dear life.

“I love it!” You exclaimed, and you really did.

Already you could see people getting into the various activities and laughter was ringing all around you.

“You do?” Tony questioned nervously.

“I really do. Thank you dad.” You said with a wide grin.

Tony visibly melted at the praise and hugged you tightly again.

“Anything for you kid.”

“I love you.” You declared from where you were smooshed into his shoulder.

You felt him tremble slightly and wriggled free to look at his suspiciously glassy eyes.

“Of course you do, I’m Tony Stark. Everybody loves me.” He joked.

You laughed at him and excitedly looked towards the dance game where Darcy was currently challenging Peter Parker.

“Go on, go.” Tony permitted.

You happily ran off and paused and turned back when Tony called your name.

“I love you too.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Darcy cheered loudly when the system declared her the winner of the dance off and Parker vaulted off the platform to run over to you.

“Hey! Happy Birthday!” He said.

Two figures broke from the crowd and came over.

“Oh these are my friends, MJ and Ned. Mr Stark said I could invite them.” Peter introduced you.

“It’s nice to meet you I’m...”

“I know who you are, you’re Tony Starks daughter, you’re famous.!” The one called Ned babbled excitedly.

“I guess I am famous by proxy.” You said nervously.

“So how do you know Peter?” The girl, MJ asked you, crossing her arms.

“He’s an intern at my dad’s company, I’ve seen him around the Tower a few times.” You said smoothly, without missing a beat.

“Are you like friends?” Ned asked with a huge friendly grin.

“Ned, stop. You don’t have to answer that.” Peter told you, blushing adorably.

“Peter was one of the first people to befriend me when I arrived. I absolutely consider him a friend.” You confidently told Ned.

Peter preened proud and shy at the same time.

“Oh hey can we, I want to give you your gift.” he said, pulling you to the side.

“Bye Miss Stark.” Ned called

“Yeah, bye baby Stark.” Mj added.

You waved to them and turned back to Peter.

“You didn’t have to get me anything you know.” You said as he pulled something out of his pocket and handed it to you.

It was a tiny drawstring bag and you pulled it open and tipped the contents onto your palm. It was a Spiderman keyring. You grinned happily and looked up to thank him when he spoke quickly.

“It’s a tracking device. Well not all the time, that would be creepy. I mean if you activate it, just press your thumb to it for 3 seconds it’ll send me a signal and I’ll be able to find you wherever you are. I know you probably won’t need to use it, you’re really strong and don’t need rescued but I just thought, maybe, in case.” He rambled nervously.

You’d lost count of how many times that day you’d been rendered speechless. The sheer thoughtfulness and care that had gone into this gift shocked you in the best way. Peter had gone bright red and was rubbing the back of his neck nervously. You reached up and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Thank you Peter. I won’t go anywhere without it. Just in case.” You promised.

“Cool. Ok. I’m glad. Um, I should get back to MJ and Ned. Happy Birthday.” He stammered and scampered away before you could wipe the lipstick stain of his cheek.

“YO, BIRTHDAY GIRL! COME LET ME KICK YOUR ASS!” Darcy hollered from the dance game.

You raised a challenging brow at her and strode over. Yeah, she was gonna beat you but you pretended you didn’t know that.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

After Darcy humiliated you on the dancing game, Natasha had dragged you onto the bouncy castle where she had wowed everyone there with a series of graceful flips. Clint appeared from nowhere and suddenly the two of them were in an intense competition. You dutifully judged, declaring Natasha the winner. Clint flipped you off. You laughed and bounced away, climbing off the bouncy castle and running over to Steve whom you spotted across the room.

You hug tackled him and he laughed and caught you.

“Thank you for what you did. For giving me the chance to see her smiling.” You said, touching your locket.

He kissed the top of your head and squeezed you.

“You’re welcome babydoll.” He said.

“Steve, are you drunk?” You giggled.

He laughed loudly and clasped his pec as he threw his head back. You took that as a yes.

Dum-E had came whizzing over and proudly presented you with a box. You opened it to find a hair tie, one you were fairly certain you had lost weeks ago. That was your favourite gift of the evening. It wasn’t the last of the gifts given to you, not by a longshot. Tony had bought you.. well everything. Including a sleek sports car he’d dragged you down to the garage to show you. Sam had tagged along and you had assured him he could take her out for a spin whenever he wanted.

“You’re the best wingman ever.” Sam told you, squeezing you affectionately.

Sam had the presented you with his own present, which was a leather bound journal. You had cooed over it but shrieked when two tickets to see AC/DC fell out.

“Got you box seats so you don’t have to get in the crowd.” He told you.

“You mean us right? You’re so coming with me!” You insisted.

“Obviously, as your best friend it is my scared duty to take you to your first concert.” He agreed, fist bumping you.

When they had led you back upstairs there was quite the largest cake you had ever seen waiting for you. It was lit with flickering candles and as soon as you stepped into the room everyone broke into song. Tony linked his arm with yours as the guests serenaded you with a joyus rendition of ‘Happy Birthday To You’ and led you over.

“Make A Wish Kit Kat.” He prompted you as the singing drew to a close.

You closed your eyes and leaned over and blew out all of the candles as everyone cheered. You grinned and opened your eyes and like fate, met Bucky’s gaze. He was clapping along with everyone else but he wasn’t smiling. He was staring at you with an unplaceable expression on his face. You got lost in his eyes for a moment and the sounds of the party faded away as you stared at one another. The moment was abruptly broken as Tony shoved a gigantic slice of the cake into your hands and when you next looked up Bucky was gone. You pushed it from your mind as you dug into the delicious sponge.

The party was showing no signs of slowing down as the evening wore on and already it was without a doubt, the best night of your life. And that was before you saw a drunk Tony challenge an equally drunk Steve (Thank you Asgardian liquor) to a game of Twister. The whole crowd gathered to watch that particular match, shouting lewd insults at the two of them to try and put them off. In the end, Tony had toppled over first, landing on top of Steve and tears had run down your face as you tried to hold yourself up.

“Would you care to try some mead Being inebriated on ones nameday is a right of passage is it not?” Thor offered you his flask with a smirk.

You saw the expectant looks from the people around you.

“Yes, yes I would.” You boldly declared and Thor cheered loudly, handing you the flask.

“I’m just going to go to the bathroom first. I’ll be right back, I promise.” You assured him, quickly making an escape.

You had every intention of trying the Asgardian drink, you were curious about it but first you needed a breather. You were overwhelmed, in a good way but still overwhelmed. You snuck along the wall and ducked out of a set of doors leading onto a balcony. The cool air was bliss on your skin, and you exhaled loudly.

You heard somebody step onto the balcony behind you and glanced over your shoulder to see Bucky. Bucky whom had comforted you when your mother died and held your hand at her funeral, even after all you had done to him.

“I thought I saw you sneak out here.” Bucky said.

“I needed a moment. Just a moment. I’m alright.” You informed him, expecting him to leave after being assured you were ok.

Instead he stepped out onto the balcony with you, leaning on the railing casually and looking up at the stars.

“I’ll stay with you until you’re ready to go back in. Nobody will bother you if they think we’re talking.” He offered.

He was being so nice, far nicer than you deserved.

“We haven’t talked about what happened.” You stated.

“We don’t have to.” He told you.

“You kissed me.”

“I did.”

“I tranquilized you.”

“You did.”

“You must hate me.”

“I don’t.”

You paused for a second and looked at him. He was gazing out at the sky.

“I know you’re angry, you have every right to be. You’re just pretending you aren’t because you feel sorry for me.” You told him.

“I was. I was furious. It’s not pity that made me stop being angry though doll, I understand now. Docherty is far more sadistic than any of us realised. If the tables were turned, I wouldn’t have wanted you near him either. I don’t like it, what you did or the choices you made but I understand.” He admitted.

“I was wrong though. I was foolish and stupid to think I could take him on. I hurt you and in the end it was for nothing.” You told him ashamedly.

“You can take him on and when you do you will win. But you won’t be alone and you have to trust us, even if you’re afraid for us. That’s how you win. Next time, don’t push me away. I’ll forgive you for drugging me but you only get one free pass.” he joked.

You laughed softly and his eyes met yours. The soft notes of a retro song drifted out of the doors and Bucky held out his hand to you. You hesitated for only a split second before you took it. His other arm snaked around your waist and he began to gently sway with you.

“Every kiss, every hug, Seems to act just like a drug.” The singer crooned and you lost it.

You buried your face in Bucky’s chest as the giggles overtook you. You chanced a look up at his face and he was looking down at you with a smug grin.

“You did that on purpose!” You accused.

He chuckled and smoothly spun you around.

“You’re getting To Be A Habit With Me by Bing Crosby, from when I was younger. It seemed fitting.” He admitted.

Your laughter died as you saw the way he was looking at you. All the heat and passion he usually looked at you with remained but just like that night in the kitchen, there was no anger. This time it was far from peaceful as Bucky gracefully spun you around, bringing you in close to the heat of his body. Your heart was hammering in your chest and you knew he must have been able to tell. His hand on your waist slipped to the small of your back and he pressed you towards him lowering his head so he was a breath away from you. You felt his other hand let go of yours and gently cradle the back of your head and your eyes fluttered shut as he captured your lips in a burning kiss.

It seared your soul and you swear your heart went from beating a million miles an hour to stopping completely. His lips moved so sweetly against yours it stole the breath from your lungs. The whole world stood still but for the two of you as Bucky kissed you under the stars.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I hope this extra long chapter of fluff buys me a little forgiveness for the angst in the last few chapters :D Please?

@nerdandproud-86 @harrison-shot-first@chook007@thejourneyneverendsx @thelostallycat@inquisitor-selvala@the-corruptor @iovher @kendrawr-kitkat@phoenix-whiskey-tears @the–real-wombat @buckitybarnes@fairislesheets@angieptt @meganjonezzzz

@dugan365 @fluffeh-kitty @memanda17@krystallynx@theonelittleone

@piscesbarnes @free-as-fishes@tarastudiesalot@captainamericasbeard

486 notes · View notes

wonderlandmind4 · 5 years ago

Text

Delicate Stages Drabbles: 20

Without You...

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OFC

Summary: Drabbles following Delicate Stages. Looking into the life of Bucky and Ana.

Warnings: Language. Angst. Sad. Fluff kinda. Trauma.

Words: 7,330

A/N: Sorry this took forever to post, my life has had a streak of bad luck lately. But here it is! This chapter and the ones to follow will follow some canon from End Game (which goes to say, there are spoilers, but hopefully everyone has seen it by now.) I struggled a little with this one, so hopefully you like it! I feel like my writing in this one was a bit different to reflect how Ana reacts. (Do not read unless you’ve read Delicate Stages first)

Previously on Delicate Stages Drabbles:

Ana breaks eye contact, a thought crashing through the blankness in her mind. She looks down at her body, shimmering waves encase her. The rings aren’t activated. The glow is her own power source, her own energy shield. Protecting. Protection. Protection for herself. Protection to keep her safe. Protection for-

“Steve,” Ana exhales as her body begins to tremble all over. Her fists clutching at he dirt where her husband vanished before her eyes.

Her vision blurs, her head swimming. Her chest is utterly empty. She meets his gaze, a complex of emotions storming in his eyes. Ana wraps her arms around her middle. Protecting. Like she tried to do with…Bucky. Like he tried to do with her. Protecting her. Protecting them.

“I’m pregnant.”

***

Silence.

Utter, still silence. Silence is a numb caress over an empty shell; a numb empty chest, a vacant heart. Silence burns through veins like the horrors of torture. Silence is crushing. Silence is broken by mimicking sounds of thunder rolling in the thick air. Silence is tainted by horror, confusion, cries of anguish. Time slowly ticks by, seconds morphing into minutes.

Ana blinks the burning dryness from her eyes from staring unseeingly. She must have blocked her surroundings out, absently wondering if there’s an empty hole through her chest. It has taken her a good amount of time to barely register sitting on a fallen log. She must have been moved, taken her away from that spot and sat her down. Someone is next to her, their hand on her wrist; a solid comforting grip. Her right hand laid protectively over her stomach.

Fallen leaves and grass rustle to her right and a small, black hand touches her knee. Ana looks up from her lap. The talking racoon from early is there, gazing up at her with a disheartening expression. He removes his hand in favor of picking something up, holding it out to her.

It’s a gun. Bucky’s gun. He’s offering her Bucky’s gun. The one he had used to fight a war he didn’t truly want too, but did because people needed him. The one that dropped from his deteriorating fingers. If Ana could feel anything at the moment, she would probably cry.

She lifts her hands, the person beside her releasing their hold. Ana accepts the heavy M249 paratrooper gun, resting it carefully on her lap. She nods in gratitude at the little guy. He hops up next to her, placing his hand on her arm, something akin to another form of twisted comfort through grief.

“Rocket,” He supplies, speaking so quietly, she almost misses it.

“Ana,” She thinks she murmurs back.

She grips the gun with her left hand, then moves her right over her stomach once more. Tired footsteps heavily approach them, Ana suddenly staring at a dirty pair of combat boots in her line of sight. There’s a sense of failure in the stirring air, thickening the chaos; Ana ignores it.

“We should go,” Steve suggests quitely, a slight tremor in his voice. “We…we shouldn’t- I don’t think we should stay here.”

A wave of nausea curls through Ana’s stomach. Leave? Leave to go where? Leave her home? The home she and Bucky- Ana blinks. Her home is gone. Faded away. Crumbled between her fingers, helpless to prevent it.

“Ana,” That’s Natasha’s voice. Sitting to her left, squeezing her arm. How does she sound so gentle? “Do you want to stay here, or come with us?”

“Nat…”

“It’s her choice, Steve,” She tells him. To Ana she continues, “It’s up to you. I know your hom-“

“I’ll go,” Ana’s voice sounds strange in her own ears. As if someone else is speaking for her. Finally, she lifts her head to meet Natasha’s shinning green eyes. “I need to get…can I bring…”

She shakes her head, biting her lip hard. Waves of emotions rolls through her veins like ice. She ignores it once more.

“Gather some things?” Natasha supplies knowingly. “Of course.”

“I don’t want you going alone,” Steve input. He sounds so…broken.

“I can go with her,” Rocket volunteers. “Why not, I’m already hitching a ride back with you lot anyway.”

He jumps off the log, brushing his hands on his vest. Ana hasn’t moved, until Rocket firmly pats her knee twice; she feels waves of despair coming from him. Gripping the gun, she slowly stands up, swaying just slightly. Two pairs of hands quickly steady her.

Steve lifts his hands for the weapon. “Let me take this to the jet,” He coaxes gently.

She yanks it to her chest, eyes burning as she glares at him. His jaw clenches, chest stuttering. There’s a strange glow around the gun, as if a sunbeam enlightens the weapon. It takes a few seconds for Ana to realize, it’s her. Protecting a weapon. Protecting Bucky’s weapon.

A flash of hurt, pain, shines in Steve’s blue eyes. “I swear I’ll keep it safe,” He whispers.

Cautiously, he places his hand over hers. But instead of rebounding back from her own energy field, the light slowly envelops Steve. Odd. Finally, she nods and the glow fades away.

Walking feels like wading through a rip current, difficult and stumbling. Several times, Ana halts in her tracks, looks around, only to realize she is leading them the wrong way. Her lip quivers, her chest burns, her skin prickles, then Rocket calls her name. She inhales, her stomach churns, she exhales. Once more, her skin is glowing and everything she was trying to hold off nearly comes crashing down on her.

The entire country is in shock; horror-struck. The entire country is left in bewilderment. Left in mourning, in agony. Ana feels every single ounce of it, beginning to break apart her bones. Weighing her down into the depths of the Earth where she so temptingly wants to curl up under and never rise.

With trembling fingers, she twists each ring on, settling the chaos inside her mind, throughout her body. It only lasts a minute before the rings feel like it’s amping up her own dark energy. She doesn’t linger on the thought of how it happened, or why, she just turns the rings off, and continues walking.

They stop by the village first. Usually, a few baby goats will run right over in greeting, with older goats lazily grazing along the grass, waiting for their caretakers to return. None of the goats are in sight. No loud bleats of hellos, no soft headbutts, no inpatient baah’s.

Instead, there is only a few of the village people crying out in sobs to the sky. The children…Ana only sees two of them, in the tight clutches of not their parents’ arms, but of others. She turns away from the scene.

Walking into the hut feels empty. Quiet. Wrong. The last time she was here was when T’Challa brought Bucky his new and improved arm. Ana stares at their makeshift bed. Images of early morning giggles, mid-day exhausted cuddles and lazy nighttime kisses flash through her head.

Abruptly she turns on her heel. There is nothing but phantom memories lingering in the hut.

The trek to the apartment takes a longer. Twice, the heaviness of what happened, of what Thanos had succeeded in doing, finally overtakes Ana. She falls to her knees each time, digging her fingers into the soft ground of the earth. Dirt beneath her fingernails, gripping at sand and roots and the crying earth. Wishing, praying, hoping it’s all a horrible nightmare. Hoping that, when she grinds her knuckles into the ground, that she will be able to pull Bucky back from the same dirt he vanished from.

The field pluses with a wave of energy, disturbing the grass and trees in the near distance. The air ceases in her lungs, but she doesn’t try fighting to gain it back. Her husband isn’t there to help her. Her soulmate isn’t there to comfort her. Her Bucky…

Is gone.

Vaguely, she hears voices trying to speak to her, but she can’t make out the words. Instead, she attempts to focus internally. After a great deal of effort and some sort of willpower she didn’t know she still had, she pulls herself together. She channels everything she feels, the broken, defeated energy and chaotic emotions, and locks it inside. It sits heavy in her chest, but the ground has stopped shaking like an earthquake.

Finally, Ana breathes again, panting heavily. With stiff fingers, she releases the dirt, pulling her hands from the earth. She wipes at a wet itch on her cheek, her eyes glancing at Steve who knelt to her level. Some of the anguish Ana is feeling is reflected in his stormy blue eyes as he lifts his hand.

He gently swipes his fingers across her cheek, either wiping away the dirt track or tears, she doesn’t know. But that look in his eyes, the expression on his face; he gets it. He understands. He’s broken too. Beaten, bruised, dirty and broken. They all are.

With an odd grimace of despair, Steve offers his hand to her. Ana wraps her fingers around his, allowing him to help her up. No words are spoken, just a shared sense of heartbreak. Dropping his hand abruptly, Ana continues the way.

Stepping foot in the apartment feels like stepping out of her own body. Ana feels the emptiness the second she walked over the threshold. She begins to welcome it without resistance, moving through their home like she’s in a trance.

The first thing she does is enter their room, as if Bucky’s presence is beckoning her. The bedroom smells like him; strong from the shower they took just hours before. Ana clenches her fists. A pop of shattering glass snaps her out of it.

She looks at the lamp on their bedside table, broken pieces of white glass now lay at the base of the lamp. She blinks, unclenches her fists and continues. She carefully grabs Bucky’s pillow, her mind escaping as her fingers graze the fabric.

“Babe,” A chuckle leaves Bucky’s lips, “what in the hell are you doing?”

Picking her head up from his pillow on their bed, Ana grins at him. “Stealing your pillow, what does it look like?”

He lifts a skeptical eyebrow. “Looks like you were inhaling it. Creep.”

But his goofy smile looks like he found it endearing. Ana pokes her tongue out at him, climbing off their bed.

“I’m staying with Pepper for a week since she’s on bed rest and I’m going to miss you. So, I’m taking your pillow hostage. Don’t pretend you don’t do the same when I’m gone.”

Bucky catches her waist, pulling her closer and kissing her forehead. “Guilty. We’re both creeps.”

Ana smacks him with the pillow.

Swallowing the thick lump in her throat at the memory that invaded her mind, Ana moves on. She finds the small lock box they keep their marriage license, and passports in. She spots the kintsukuroi art piece, carefully wrapping one of Bucky’s shirts- the red Henley- around it. She slowly gathers a few more items and a mixture of both their clothes, ending with a stack of journals. She gently thumbs over the withered leather cover of the one she received as a gift.

Bucky hands a small, thin journal to her. Confused, Ana lowers her coffee mug and takes it. Bucky is blushing slightly as he sits next to her, a shy smile on his lips. She opens the journal to the first page, reading over the words scribbled half in cursive, half in print. Immediately her eyes begin to fill with tears. She looks up, lost for words.

“I know it’s not the greatest birthday gift, but t’s from my heart,” Bucky shrugs sheepishly. He nervously plays with her wedding bands, spinning the rings around her finger. “Not too long after I met you, Annie, I started writing letters…to my mother.”

“Bucky…”

“Sam suggested it. Figured it could help me in some way. He was right, but don’t tell him that.” He chuckles, lacing his fingers with hers. “Anyway, I started writing these little…notes, as if she could read them. I told her about you. How you made me feel, how I was beginning to fall in love with you.”

He scratches his chin. “I guess they’re really love letters to you, if you think about it. This was the only journal I never showed you. Until now.”

Ana lifts the journal, pressing it to her chest. She’s about to respond, when something falls to her lap.

“That too,” He mumbles, ducking his face into her hair.

She picks up the item from her lap, holding it between her fingers. It’s a thin gold necklace, with a tiny, delicate snowflake pendant. It’s simple, it’s beautiful, it’s making her feel emotional. Ana shifts, puts down the journal and lifts her husband’s head.

“James,” Ana sighs happily, cupping his neck. Bucky’s cheeks always turn darker and his eyes always flutter when she calls him by his first name. “This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with me, it means so much to you, and me. I love you so much. Snowflake.”

Bucky beams, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He presses his forehead against hers. “Love you too, Annie. In case you didn’t know,” He laughs along with her. “Happy birthday, my love.”

Ana lightly touches the necklace hidden under her shirt. Her Snowflake. Her chest aches. She carefully puts the journals in the bag she found and quickly leaves their room. His smell is everywhere, his presence lingers in the air, his laughter and words echo through her ears. The phantom caress of his touch fades from her hands.

She stumbles into the living room, clutching at the counter of the kitchen bar for support. Her chest is constricting, her heart aching. Steve is by her side in an instant with instructions to breath slowly. His nearly bruising grip on her elbow is enough to shift her focus to the physical feeling rather than the internal ones.

Rocket has been inspecting the living room, trying to respect Ana’s space. He spots a rustic wooden frame, a date carved at the bottom. He studies the picture placed behind the glass, then carefully picks it up. He figures it’s something she may want.

“This important?” He inquires knowingly, holding the frame out.

It takes a moment for Ana to realize someone else spoke to her. She blinks slowly, regaining her breath, then turns to see what Rocket said. He’s holding up one of the pictures from their wedding day. Her favorite picture. With unstable steps and trembling hands, she reaches out to take the photo from him.

“Annie Doll,” Bucky sighs lovingly in her ear, his hand grazing her neck. She feels his ring against her skin, making her shiver. Of course, his lips grazing her skin don’t help either. “I don’t mind a few pictures.”

Ana turns her head, placing a light kiss to his jaw. “I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable, babe,” she pauses, then grins mischievously. “Plus, I spotted a supply closet earlier.”

“Шалунья,” Her husband breathes hotly in her ear. It nearly makes her moan. Abruptly, Bucky picks her up by her waist, suddenly spinning her around in the air.

“Bucky!” Ana shouts gleefully, laughing along with him.

The bright, elated smile on his beautiful face makes her heart melt. Their noses brush, Ana closes her eyes, the wind around them, making her feel like she’s flying. She’s been flying ever since she met Bucky.

“I love you, Mrs. Barnes,” Bucky says breathlessly.

Ana gently traces the picture, caught in the moment when Bucky spun her around. She grits her teeth, clenches one fist. If her heart hadn’t already faded with Bucky, it would shatter. She can’t speak, just gently places the photo it in the bag. The one filled with all the important stuff; his pillow, his soap, his journals, Nutella, their marriage certificate, five more pictures, the kintsukuroi.

Lastly, she moves to the kitchen, only taking one thing. The sonogram from the refrigerator door.

Ana can feel how soft her expression is as she stares at her husband, who squints confusingly at the picture. He tilts his head, first to the left, then right, then flips the picture over. Recognition dawns over his face, his mouth dropping in a small O.

“Now I see it,” Bucky announces, nodding determinedly.

Ana narrows her eyes, her legs over his lap and one finger playing with his hair. “No, you don’t.” She calls his bluff.

He groans in disappointment, dropping his head back with a sad pout on his lips. “No, I don’t.”

Tilting his head back up with her fingers, she takes his wrist to bring the sonogram closer to their faces. She circles the image with her finger after she releases his wrist.

“See this circle here?” She begins, then slides her finger over as he nods. “And this tiny little speck-“

“That? That little thing?”

“Yes, that little thing is the baby. Our baby.”

Bucky exhales. “Our baby,” His voice is thick with emotion. “It’s so small. Like a little bean.”

He turns to smile brightly at her, his pure blue eyes misty. Returning his smile, she pushes his hair back behind his ear, leaning forward to kiss his scruffy cheek.

“Exactly. Our little bean.”

“Ana,” Steve’s soft voice shakes slightly behind her, but he doesn’t say more.

Maybe he just called her name to comfort her, maybe he can no longer find any words to comfort her. Maybe he’s just reminding her that she isn’t alone. Whatever the reason, she’s broken out of the recent memory, pressing the sonogram to her chest.

Ana finds both Steve and Rocket staring at her with expressions she doesn’t want and can’t decipher. She nods once at them, carefully slipping the sonogram between he pages of the journal in the bag.

“Is there anything else?” Rocket questions cautiously.

Ana notices Steve from the corner of her eye, two smaller picture frames from the same display as the wedding photo. She catches a glimpse of the photos; one from the wedding of them, the other, a black and white photo from simpler times. Steve tucks them carefully his belt, his glistening eyes snapping over to her quickly before turning away.

“No,” She answers, the word barely making it past her lips.

As they silently make their way out of her and Bucky’s home, Ana spots his jacket in the corner of the couch. With her left hand over her stomach, she reaches out her right one, shaking as she grabs the jacket. It smells like Bucky. The whole apartment does. He’s everywhere and nowhere. He’s gone, vanished, faded away. Ana turns, and quickly walks out of their home, because if she stays there any longer, she will fade too.

Avengers Compound: 5 days Later

Steve stares at the holographic screens in front of him, watching as his friends, his family, pop up as missing. His eyes slide to the climbing red numbers on top of the screen; the count hasn’t stopped for days.

Shuri. Hope and Hank Pym. Peter Parker. Sam. Wanda, Scott Lang. T’Challa. The list goes on and on; , faces he’s heard of, face he knows.

An image catches the corner of his eye, moving his gaze to stare of the face of his best friend. Missing. Gone. Dusted right in front of him, right in front of Ana, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He lost. They lost. He failed.

His grip tightens over the edge of the table, only pulling away when he realizes his fingers made cracks in the polished wood. Steve drops his head, feeling the tension build in his shoulders and some bruises lingering from the fight. Blowing out a long breath, he pinches the bridge of his nose pressing into the corner of his eyes to fight off the sting of unshed tears.

Finally lifting his head, he looks at Natasha, staring at the screens with glassy eyes, chewing on her fingernail. Colonel Rhodes is sitting in another chair, keeping careful watch for any signals to pop up on a location device. Thor had agreed to come back with them, but the god has barely moved from the bench small back porch outside. He’s been nearly as quiet as Ana since they got back.

A new flutter of anxiety pangs through his chest, realizing he hasn’t checked on her in several minutes. He was too busy wishing the numbers would stop. Steve looks around the room to find her. She’s not in the corner she was sitting in three minutes ago, but that doesn’t surprise him. What does, is how utterly silent she’s become; entering and exiting a room without Steve even knowing. He shakes his head.

“This is a nightmare,” He sighs forlornly, his voice hardening. “A fucking nightmare.”

“I’ve had better nightmares,” Natasha mumbles behind her fingers, sounding as if she’s miles away. There’s a pause. “Ezra is gone.”

If there was one thing that could possibly give them a strange sense of comfort, it would be the cat. When they arrived back, Ana was slow to get off the jet, as if it pained her to do so. She didn’t speak a word, to anyone since they left her home, but Steve kept a close eye on her, extremely concerned about her well-being. He knew when she began looking for the cat, and he knew she couldn’t find him when she quietly sat herself in the corner by the window.

Her body keeps fading in and out of the golden light, as does some of the power. Steve wants so badly to comfort her, to give her a long overdue hug, assure her that they’ll fix this. But he can’t, because it could all be a lie. There are promises he can’t make, and he won’t give her a false hope, just to have her heart break again. She wouldn’t be able to handle it physically.

“Has she eaten?” Inquires a new voice entering the room. “Because she’s getting weaker.”

Steve turns his back on the screens, giving their new powerful friend, Carol Danvers, his full attention. She appeared up out of nowhere just two days after they arrived back to New York. She was baffled as to what happened to Earth and Nick Fury, especially after he sent her an emergency signal. Her unannounced arrival was the first time Ana spoke in 48 hours.

“Her energy…she’s powerful. Immensely. Maybe she can find Tony...if he’s alive.”

Natasha rubs her temples. “No. And she’s refusing any medical care.”

Hearing the anger in her voice, Steve speaks up. “Pepper is on her way. Maybe if Ana sees her…” He trails off, not believing his own words.

“Let’s hope,” Nat mumbles. Her eyes snaps to his. “Did you know? Did anyone know?”

Placing his hands on his hips, he swallows the thick lump in his throat, shaking his head. He’s not sure if Bucky knew.

“This isn’t healthy for her…or the baby,” Natasha finally collapses in one of the chairs.

“She’s powerful, you know,” Carol states, the tiniest smirk lifting her mouth. “More than she lets on. The energy levels admitting from her is chaotic right now, but she’s strong.” She squints her eyes in thought, appraising Steve. “Shouldn’t the baby be fine since half its DNA is from a super soldier?”

“It’s a possibility,” Natasha muses sadly. “Since a version of the serum was embedded into his genetic code.”

“But since this is the first pregnancy in this case, we won’t know unless symptoms show up,” He informs quietly. “With her or the baby.”

Before anyone else can respond, a sharp beep cuts through the air. A sense of pride and triumph flashes across Carol’s face before she across the room to another computer. She grabs the device she hooked up, turning to show them the screen.

“I found something.”

A week later:

Ana stumbles out of her bathroom, sweaty and wiping her mouth, barely making it to the bed she hasn’t slept in for two years. Pepper’s hands gently guide her down, so she doesn’t fall off. She forces a glass of water into her hand, and a piece of dry toast in the other. Her cousin doesn’t have to say anything, but the pointed glare with her pinched lips gives Ana the impression that if she doesn’t eat and drink, there will be hell to pay. So, she tries.

“I promise you’ll feel better after you eat,” Pepper assures her gently, taking away the now empty glass. “The toast really helped me when I was going through this at 9 weeks.”

Ana forces a breath from her nose, begrudgingly nibbling at the bread. She allows Pepper to hold her hand, squeezing for comfort. She’s been here for the past two days now, waiting. Waiting to see if Tony is still alive, if he didn’t get dusted like everyone else.

Tears burn at Ana’s eyes, but they don’t fall. Instead, she blinks rapidly, and takes a bigger bite. Pepper looks so stressed, worried, heartbroken. With a rather uncharacteristic like thought, Ana realizes she can feel Pepper’s emotions, and also realizes she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to help; use her ability to calm her cousin. She slowly pulls her hand away from Pepper’s.

“Parenting is hard,” Pepper states suddenly. Gone is her gentle tone. “It’s hard, and terrifying. You lose sleep, probably some sanity, and you might definitely need help. It’s usually a two person job, Ana.”

She takes another bite.

“But, sometimes, that second parent isn’t there, and the parent that is left has to step up and be both parents. That’s even harder. It’s double the work, double the sacrifice, and double the love. But it’s hard, and if that one parent doesn’t think they can handle it-“

“Pep,” Ana cuts her off with a warning tone. “Stop.”

Pepper’s eyes grow sad, but she keeps her words to herself. Instead, she pushes the damp hair sticking to Ana’s forehead aside as she lays back.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Or anyone else?”

“You didn’t,” Ana mumbles haughtily. “And, first trimester.”

“Please allow a doctor to look at you,” Pepper pleads softly, her eyes watering.

“Who’s that going to be?” She remarks bitterly, wincing as her stomach rolls again.

“You need to take care of yourself, Bug. All this…emotional stress can be dangerous to you both.”

“I’m tired, Pepper,” Ana sighs, only half lying as her eyes close.

She hears her cousin sigh in defeat, followed by the motion of her getting off the bed. Ana feels Pepper push back her hair once more before kissing the top of her head. She thinks she left after several long moments of quiet. Until she speaks again.

“You know Ana,” Pepper starts, a quiver in her voice. “Bucky wouldn’t want you feeling like this. He wouldn’t want to see you this sick.”

“Goodnight, Pepper,” Is Ana’s response.

The second the door clicks shut, Ana curls into a ball, hugging his pillow between her body. The sudden weight of her own feelings crushes down on her aching, empty body. The weight of the others adds to it, and rather than fighting it, she allows it to happen. For their failure to drag her down, fill her lungs with ashes until she can’t breathe. Smothering her with the phantom feel of her love between her fingers.

Ana gasps, wraps one arm over her stomach, and cries into the pillow.

Days pass. Nights linger. Ana can barely sleep. Every time she starts to drift off, she sees Bucky disappearing before she could even wrap her arms around him. She nearly forgets she’s pregnant one day, as she grabs on of the whiskey bottles and almost takes a long swig from the bottle itself. Until Bruce walked in at the perfect moment, quickly snatching the bottle away from her.

It resulted in a scolding, and threats of bodily harm from both Steve and Natasha, if she didn’t allow a doctor to evaluate her. It was only one day after that incident, did Ana finally agree. She gets checked over by a both a doctor and GYNO after Pepper was able to find the best of the best who had survived the Snap.

She’s put on bed rest for two weeks, as the emotional turmoil was beginning to become too much for her body. The baby, thankfully, seems to be developing perfectly. But there are times, where Ana is between being awake and sleep, she swears she hears Annie, like a whisper in the wind.

When those times happens, she gets out of bed and always ends up in front of Steve’s door. And every time, Steve always welcomes her with open arms of shared grief to sob into. Sometimes Natasha is already in his room, and the three of them sit in silence; misery loves company.

“Any word from Barton?” Steve cautiously asks one night.

Ana is half asleep, finding it just a tad easier to relax somewhat around Steve. He had set up a few pillows differently to help her get comfortable, and she had been resting a pillow on his thigh as she drifted off.

“No,” The tremor in Nat’s tone makes Steve drop the subject.

Blinking her eyes open, Ana shares a sad look with Steve. She spins her wedding rings around her finger as she shuts her eyes again, then reaches out to link her fingers with Natasha’s. She doesn’t change her energy around, but the small effort of comfort doesn’t go unnoticed.

Oddly, it’s Thor that seems to remain stoically calm next to Ana. So, she finds herself around him during the day. Neither say much to each other, but occasionally when she’s feeling like she’s able to, will reach out and touch him.

She feels his anger, his immense guilt, his failure in so many ways. He’s lost so much more than any of them have. But he understands their lost, he understands how Ana is truly feeling at times. Thor wasn’t around too much when Bucky lived at the compound, but when he was, he was always friendly and jubilant towards Bucky.

“He doesn’t seem to be bother by people’s past, does he?” Bucky had questioned after meeting Thor for the third time. They’re on the rooftop, lounging on a chair with his head resting against Ana’s chest.

“Not really. He’s not one to judge quickly,” Ana informed him, brushing her fingers through Bucky’s thick hair. “He must think you’re worthy.”

Bucky had held her a little tighter after that.

Ana blinks the memory away and wipes the single tear from her eye. Thor had caught this moment, his gaze lingering on her face long enough to be uncomfortable. He dropped his gaze, going back to pushing cereal around in the bowl.

“I must apologize, Ana,” Thor mumbles shamefully one day. “Your husband is gone because of me.”

“It isn’t your fault, Thor,” She responded. “I’m not the only one who lost someone.”

Without knowing how, another three weeks goes by. Ana didn’t really feel like it has, just trying to go through the motions of trying not to cry. She’s taken to screaming into a pillow more than not, and accidentally causes yet another power outage.

Pepper is back, by request from Bruce and Steve. A sharp pain had hindered Ana for two days, everyone concerned about her and the delicate life growing inside her. A 12 week sonogram revealed that the fetus was still developing perfectly, but Ana’s body was just taking a toll itself. Elevated hear rate, low iron levels, blood pressure going up and down.

She’s resting in bed, hoping to actually sleep, when Pepper brings her decaffeinated tea. She presses close to her cousin, Ana rubbing soothing circle over her small bump. They decided to watch a movie, something light, something uncomplicated. A quiet rattle from the window panels catch both women’s attention. Pepper stands to peak out, as Ana places the barely drank tea on the side table.

“Oh my god,” Pepper breathes. She pulls back the curtain to show Ana.

Everyone jogs out into the field, watching as Carol, a bright burning star in the dark sky, effortless lows a giant space ship down to the earth. Ana is the last to bring up the group, weaving through everyone to stand directly behind Pepper. The emotions from them all burns at her skin, and the relief and hope she can feel from Pepper is…painful.

The door of the ship opens with a ramp lowering down to the ground. When her eyes adjust properly to the two bodies walking off the ship, Ana gasps. It’s Tony, alive and….skin and bones. He’s being helped by a woman with blue skin, but Ana barely focuses on her as Steve rushes forward to assist them. Tony looks two seconds away from death. Their whispered words can’t be heard.

Pepper gently embraces him as he relaxes into her, grateful she’s alive. Tony’s eyes flutter open, gazing around until he spots Ana. He looks more relieved when he sees her, but his expression changes when he realizes who is missing.

As he’s helped to walk along further, he stops in front of Ana, nearly tripping over his feet to hug her. Despite everything, she allows herself to feel the amount of relief of Tony being alive.

“Bucky?” Tony questions, gripping her shoulders.

Ana shakes her head.

Tony is seriously malnourished and dehydrated, his muscle mass dwindled from being adrift in space for 21 days. Steve, Rhodey and Bruce quickly got Tony inside, checked his vitals and hooked up to an IV, sitting him in a wheelchair. They all gather in an open office area, close to the medical ward, while goes off to Pepper call Happy.

Ana sits quietly at the table, absentmindedly spinning her wedding ring around her finger. Murmurs can be heard if she pays close enough attention, but she doesn’t. All she’s been trying to do for the past month is ignore the near suffocating air of misery, to keep everyone else’s energies at bay. With each day that passes, it gets harder and harder, she even thinks the protective rings don’t offer much help anymore. Possibly got damaged in the fight.

“He did everything he said he would. Thanos wiped out 50% of all living creatures.” Natasha’s voice pulls Ana back into the room.

Tony’s had his hand over his mouth, as if he’s trying to hold something together. “Where is he now? Where?” He asks irritably.

“We don’t know, he just opened a portal and walked through,” Steve answers, crossing his arms.

Tony huffs, and spots Thor in the outside through the windows, sulking on a bench. “What’s wrong with him?”

Rocket pipes up. “He’s pissed. He thinks he failed, which of course he did, but ya know, there’s a lot of that going around, ain’t there?”

Ana mentally agrees with the shared failure.

“Honestly, until this exact second I thought you were build-a-bear,” Tony snarks. Ana knows it’s the trauma effecting Tony and the way he’s acting, even breathing. As if he’d ready to be strained once again.

“Maybe I am,” Rocket challenges.

“He’s not,” Bruce defends.

Steve clears his throat. “We’ve been hunting Thanos for three weeks now, deep space scans and satellites and we got nothing.” Steve pauses, “Tony you fought him.”

“Who told you that? I didn’t fight him,” He snips. “No, he wiped my face with a planet while the Bleaker Street magician gave away the stone. There’s no fight-“

“Okay-“

“There’s no people.”

“Okay,” Steve tries to be patient. “Did he give you any clues, coordinates, anything?”

Tony makes a pffft noise, motioning he’s got nothing. He looks around wildly for a moment. “I saw this coming a few years back, I had a vision, I didn’t want to believe it. Thought I was dreaming.”

Steve grits his teeth before remaing calm. “Tony, I’m gonna need you to stay focus.”

Ana feels a sharp shift in the air.

“And I needed you!” Tony snaps. “As in past tense. That trumps what you need. It’s too late buddy, sorry,”

“You know what I need?” He lashes his hand out, knocking over the glass of water and soup bowl. “I need a shave.

“Tony-“ Rhodey tries, being ignored.

“I believe I remember telling, live and otherwise,” He suddenly grabs his IV, pulling it out of his arm as he stands up. Ana winces, more so at the anger beginning to boil her blood.

“Hey, Tony-“

“That we needed was a suit of armor around the world, remember that? Whether it impacted our precious freedoms or not that’s what we needed!“

Steve doesn’t budge as Tony limps his way right in front of his face. He looks the weak man right in the eyes. “Well that didn’t work out did it?”

Tony sways. “I said ‘we’d lose’. You said ‘we’ll do that together too’. Guess what Cap, we lost. And you weren’t there” He pokes his chest. “But that’s what we do right? Our best work after the fact. We’re the Ah-Vengers, right? Not the pre-vengers!”

Tony stumbles, Steve’s hands twitching to help. The more Tony spews, the more Ana feels the energy.

“Alright, you made your point, just need to sit down.” Rhodey demands, attempting to bring him back.

“No, no,” Tony tries to push him off, as he points to Carol. “You know what, she’s great by the way! We need you, your new blood. Bunch of tired of mills, I got nothing for you Cap!” He breaks out of Rhodey’s hold, getting in Steve’s face once more. “I got no coordinates, no clues, no strategies. No options, zero zip nada. No trust. Liar.”

Ana can’t take it anymore. The high-strung emotions, the dark tainting energy, is beginning to drive her insane. The animosity and tension building in the room, between them. All Anger and hurt and disappointment. She can barely contain the tremors throughout her body, and if she accidentally loses her own control, it won’t be good for anyone.

“Tony!” Ana sharply cuts off his insults to Steve. He sways, nearly losing his balance to face her. A spike of concern flashes through her but she ignores it.

“I know how you’re feeling, Tony. I know. I can feel you,” She informs him, keeping her voice low. “I can feel everyone in this room. I feel it in the air. I know you think you failed. I know it’s hard right now. You were strained for a month. It must be so hard. But are you honestly telling me, you are not going to help us find him? We need you.”

Tony blows a raspberry, then scoffs. “I needed you too,” He slurs irrationally. “I could’ve used your help. Drained his life force or whatever the hell you do,” He wiggles his fingers. “Instead of you running off-“

“Tony-“ Natasha warns, being ignored.

“She risked her-“ Rocket begins angrily.

Tony doesn’t stop “-to hide out in a secret country with Barnes-“ The lights begin to flicker. “Who probably refused to-“

Ana abruptly slams her hand down the one table, standing up, the chair falling over. “I. Can’t. Feel. Him!” She grits vehemently through her teeth. The power surges around the room as her eyes water. “I can’t feel him!”

The wood beneath her hand begins to sizzle. Tony’s eyes flicker to the spot then back to her. Natasha moves to either comfort her or calm her down, but Ana slaps her hands away as her chin trembles.

“I can’t! It feels like I can’t breathe! I couldn’t…I couldn’t hold him…I lost him! We!” She gestures wildly around the room. “We all lost loved ones! And I feel it! The entire world! It’s in the air, in the ground, it’s in this room.”

She inhales deeply, paying no mind to the few tears that betray her eyes. “Are you telling me, you’re just going to walk away. Just take Pepper and leave? You’re just giving up!?”

The tension between them as they glare into each other’s eyes is nearly palpable.

“Yes!” Tony spits like a curse. “In fact,” He turns to Steve again. He grabs the arc reactor on his chest, yanking it from his fragile body. He takes Steve’s hand, slapping the reactor on his palm. “You take this. You find him and you put that on,” He breathes heavily, swaying, pointing at Steve. “You hide.”

Something snaps within Ana as she leans across the table. She snatches the arc reactor from Steve, glaring at Tony. The once powered down device suddenly lights up, glowing brighter and brighter. Her palm begins to emit a strange, faint orange hue, quickly enveloping her entire body. Heat raises in her, boiling her blood, and everything she’s felt since the snap comes to the surface.

Suddenly she launches the reactor forward. It soars right over Tony’s shoulder, narrowly missing his ear, and shatters against the wall behind him. Tony flinched slightly before matching a glare with Ana. They say nothing. Seconds of utter silence, seething silence, passes. Then, Ana spins on her feet, exiting the room in rage so tangible, it stings at everyone’s skin.

Tony turns back to Steve, panting heavily as he stumbles again, pointing in his face. “You’re on your, Cap.”

He collapses to his knees, Rhodes and Steve calling his name, right before he passes out.

The air in the living room grows hot as Ana paces around, the lights go out, the windows rattles. She’s vaguely aware her skin is glowing. That her powers are raging, and a voice in the back of her mind tells her mind that being this high stung is not good for the delicate life inside her. She stops pacing, then notices Natasha, Carol, Nebula, Steve and Rocket have all followed her.

“Ana,” Natasha begins softly.

“Don’t.” Carol demands calmly, moving closer to Ana with a understanding loo in her eyes. “Don’t tell her to control her emotions.”

“I wasn’t…” Nat’s words die off.

At Carol’s gentle touch with her hand on Ana’s elbow, the raging wave inside her chest slowly begins to regulate. It’s an unearthly amount of power, but the powerful energy emitting from the newcomer it doesn’t control Ana’s own. Instead, it comforts it.

But Ana doesn’t want comfort. She doesn’t want to regulate energies or feel the grieving world’s emotions. She wants to protect the shattered shell of her soul, of her heart. She wants to protect the only thing of Bucky she has left. Places her hands over her slightly bulging stomach, and does something she never thought she could.

Closing her eyes, Ana inhales deeply, feeling the chaos of energy within her and from others. She finds her own emotions and concentrates until she can feel it all gather in the center of her chest. Lifting her right hand to her chest, Ana presses down, then zaps her fingers over her heart. Then…nothing.

Everything stops.

When she finally opens her eyes, she feels nothing.

“What the hell was that?” Rocket questions, baffled. Nebula looks a little sad, yet curious.

“Ana,” Natasha speaks up cautiously. “You didn’t.”

“Didn’t what?” Steve demands, an air of urgency in his tone. “What did she do?”

“She…” Carol answers, clearing her throat and takes her hand off Ana’s elbow. “Didn’t control it. She did something worse.”

“Like what?”

Ana slowly meets Steve’s worried gaze. “I shut my emotions off.” She informs him, her voice an even tone. “Now I won’t feel anything.”

Ana doesn’t bother watching Steve’s concern grow into fear. She just walks out of the room. After a few minutes of stunned quiet, Natasha breaks it.

“She never told Tony she’s pregnant.”

*********************************************************************************

Drabbles: Nineteen Drabbles: Twenty-One

Tags: @thecreatiivecorner @kat-lives @stressedasalways @watchoutforfrostbite @justreadingfics @keldachick @fics-i-read @eurynome827 @elatedmarvel @shesalatesh

#delicate stages drabbles #delicate stages #bucky barnes x ofc #bucky barnes x original female character #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction

39 notes · View notes

shyvioletcat · 6 years ago

Text

Kingdom of Ash Tour Sydney

Oh my gosh, I’m sorry this took so long. My notes were much more extensive than I thought and then just a lot of poor time management. Anyway, here it is.

A few choice bits of information/quotes:

“Being a dork pays off you guys. Who knew?”

Says Melbourne like a local

Loves our coffee. Says she’s moving here because of it.

Advice to aspiring writers: find someone to share your work with. Giving and getting feedback teaches you so much. Gives you a form of community.

Got into writing because it’s what she loves and it makes her come alive like nothing else does.

Music plays a Huge part in her creative process

Daily writing schedule. Plays with Taran then about 930/10 she starts. Gets admin stuff done first 9-8 job.

Nothing compares to sitting down and writing a scene she’s wanted to write for years and years. Describes it as time stopping and the closest thing to magic, at least for her.

Had a question about her creative circle for bouncing ideas around and talking about her stories. Sarah didn’t talk to her family about her stories at all when she was younger. Doesn’t like her parents reading her books. She referred back to writing ACOTAR and she asked the audience “do you know what it’s like to write an on the page sex scene knowing my father was going to read this?” Said it took her about three glasses of wine to deal with it.

About her dad reading said scenes: He said “I just skip those scenes.” Sarah’s reply “I’ll do you one better. I’ll just rip those pages out.” Then she talked how it was much worse when ACOMAF came out the next year.

Josh has become her creative sounding board over the last few years. He reads the early drafts of Crescent City and lets Sarah ramble to him for hours. She thinks it’s really cute they get to do that.

He thinks he’s every love interest in all her books. At events people ask if he’s what Rhys was modelled from. Josh will say yes. Sarah was very adamantly said it was a no.

Fellow writers help her from looking like a complete idiot. In particular Lynette Noni. Calls her a secret Disney Princess. Has become her can’t live without critique partner.

She said don’t listen to the people who say writing is a dumb dream. But said it’s a long long road to getting published but not impossible. “Don’t ever listen to the haters man.”

Her parents were always incredibly supportive. Her mum would leave snacks outside her door so she wouldn’t disturb her while she wrote

When her parents told her that she needed a job to support herself Sarah didn’t want to listen. But she said they were ultimately right because there are no guarantees in publishing. One of her favourite moments is when she became a New York Times best seller and she got to call and tell her parents. The first thing her mum said was she regretted telling Sarah to be realistic about the expectations of yourself. But Sarah was adamant they were right.

She thanked us and got quite emotional. Thanked us for supporting her books, she was walking around Sydney harbour and thought to herself how lucky I am to do this for a living.

Someone from the audience screamed “I love you” she said “I love you too, I love you all so much” (insert my hysterical tears). She couldn’t express how much she appreciates everything we all have done for her and her family, the fact we have allowed her to live out her dreams. “Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this being the loveliest group of people I’ve ever had the honour to meet”. SHE LOVES US.

Crescent city

Doesn’t think her parents can read a single page of crescent city. Joking, it’s every other page. Started as excess creative energy, a real passion project.

Describes it as taking the ToG/ACOTAR worlds and jumping ahead over 3000 years to where they have modern technologies and comforts. Magical creatures living together in complex hierarchies. Feels different because of the modern setting but has familiar aspects, e.g. snarky sassy heroines and brooding sexy muscled men. Says there are so many. So many.

Josh: “why are there so many attractive men in this book?” Sarah “because it’s a fantasy. FAN-TA-SY.”

No real defined plot yet.

Knew it was the story she wanted to tell because of an experience on a plane. Sarah was listening to a piece of music and saw a scene play out and she burst into tears. She didn’t know the characters or how they got there. The scene will be in the first book and is like THE MAJOR BIG SCENE. Kept thinking of that moment of creation and how much it overwhelmed her and that was the deciding factor that that was the next story she needed to tell.

World of Throne of Glass

World of Throne of Glass. Started off as an encyclopaedia. It will be a chronicle that exists in world and Sarah describes it like going into the library of Orynth and pulling it off the shelf. The premise of the book is that Aelin has hired this cranky old scholar to travel around all the kingdoms/continents and includes the travel logs, transcripts from interviews with the characters, insight into how they felt, letters between characters. The book itself is like the the Terrasen courts private copy so it has letters between characters. Glimpses into the future.

BUT THIS MEANS IT WILL COME OUT LATER

ALSO SAID THERE ARE POCKETS OF HISTORY SHE REALLY WANTS TO FILL IN AND THERE’S ALSO LOTS OF STORIES THAT MAYBE ONE DAY SHE MIGHT WANT TO TELL SHE JUST NEEDS TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT. SORRY I’M JUST REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

Throne of Glass/ACOTAR

The idea of Throne of Glass came to her when she was 15/16 years old. Gripped her like no other story had. Throne of glass has a special place in her heart because it’s what started her on this journey.

Sarah was changing Kingdom of Ash right up the very last minute.

Mystery questions from the lobby:

What would happen if all your villains met?

The thought of Maeve and Amarantha gave her chills to think about. Would they rip each other to shreds or form and unholy alliance? Undecided.

Did you cry during the writing of the final book? If so which moments?

Number one scene. The Thirteen.

Gave lots of details about when Manon first appeared, a piece of music from the Fright Night remake was playing and she saw the cottage scene play out. She saw Manon disembowel the farmers and how her teeth and claws came out and just thought “I love you”.

Loved witches since she was little because she realised witches were often women with power when women weren’t allowed to have power.

Sarah went to the mat for Manon. She hadn’t sold the rest of the books, only up to Heir of Fire. Writing about Manon gave Sarah her courage and came into her life when she needed her attitude. She said “Over my dead effing body” when editor said to cut Manon.

Sarah listened to a song from the original star wars and that was when she saw the sacrifice of the Thirteen. She needed to have Manon start where she did in Heir of Fire so when we all got to the scene in Kingdom of Ash is would really hit us strongly as it had hit Sarah for the first time. Sarah was sobbing at her desk when she saw them making their final run. She saw then Manon screaming and begging them to to stop because she realised she had a heart and loved them.

Sarah said she needed to lie down afterwards, she considered a happy ending for a moment, but then she thought about how the ladies never get to make the big heroic sacrifice and she really wanted the Thirteen to make the badass sacrifice and she wanted to make that moment when their exploding with light and not darkness absolutely destroyed Sarah.

Happier scene is the last goodbye between the main three, sobbing so hard. Really ugly crying not Frodo crying nicely at the end of The Return of the King, but bodily fluids spraying everywhere. So many tears.

Sarah would also get super amped up. Example: When Elide saves Lorcan she got so amped up she literally straddled her chair like she was riding a horse. (She re-enacted it on stage too). Then it was just more ladies were doing their badass thing like:

as Aelin flies down on the bird and explodes and destroys the wave and then Rowan is like that steam is going to boil every one like lobsters, got to get rid of that.

When Aelin makes her run and Lorcan sees her and he’s crying, you know if Lorcan’s crying some intense shit is going down

Then when Aelin is trying to get the mask off. That hit Sarah hit her so hard, didn’t expect it. Felt physically ill writing it. It was one of the few times Aelin was unhinged and in a panic. Seeing Aelin in a panic out Sarah in a panic.

Aelin has been like a person to Sarah and has carried Sarah through a lot of hard stuff. Sarah has said to herself “my name is Sarah J Maas and I will not be afraid”

Would say “What would Aelin do?” to give herself that swagger. Any time Aelin is in pain Sarah was in pain and would be like “My baby my baby! Let me help you”.

Such a joy to write. Aelin was telling her and showing Sarah where to go.

ABOUT THE ENDING OF KINGDOM OF ASH: Travelling in Costa Rico to a rainforest exists at cloud level. (Side note from Sarah: Vote for the environment! Do it for the golden toad). One of the most beautiful places she has ever been. Sitting in the backseat listening to music from John Carter of Mars. Sun broke through the clouds and lit up the mountains and Sarah heard the last line of Kingdom of Ash about the kingsflame blooming and she knew what the last line was and that’s what she wanted to get to. She starting crying (surprise surprise) didn’t want to tell her travelling companions so she lied and said she was crying because the view was so beautiful. Writing with Aelin at the helm guaranteed her nothing. Aelin did it though, she stuck to Sarah’s plans and Sarah got the ending she wanted.

Call out from the audience about Gavriel. Uproar from the audience. “Why did you do that!?” “Why would I do that? Because I’m a horrible person.” Any time a hot guy full of muscles dies it’s a sad day. Poor Aedion. “It would have been so hot! Not in a weird way! The two of them hanging out, the lion and the wolf and oh my heart... you mean I have no heart, that’s what you’re thinking.” Evil cackle.

Who of all your characters do you see sitting in a rocking chair and knitting and telling their grandchildren the wildest stories in their old age?

Throne of Glass. Dorian. Don’t know why.

ACOTAR world would 1000% be Cassian. Nessian book will come out after Crescent City. She started it just for fun, hadn’t planned to write last ACOWAR. Sarah was out to lunch with her editor and got a little drunk and pitched her other books, but then forgot. Agent called a few weeks later telling her the editor wants to buy these books.

She literally doesn’t have the time to get all the stories she wants out of her. Wishes she had Hermione’s time turner.

So that’s it. Again, sorry it took me so long. Sarah was so lovely and I still can’t believe I got to see her in person. There’s a lot I took away from her talk for myself, mainly just how adamant she was about being yourself is the way to go. We’re better off when we’re true to ourselves and love the tings we love without feeling bad for it.

#kingdom of ash tour #kingdom of ash tour sydney

46 notes · View notes

radramblog · 5 years ago

Text

Hard-Fi - Stars of CCTV (2005)

Here’s a solid one to start on: not well-known enough to be beloved (at which point I’d be worried about stepping on toes), nor so obscure that no-one knows who the heck I’m talking about.

For those not in the know, Hard-Fi are an English rock band formed in the early 00s, that have unfortunately been on hiatus since 2014. Unfortunately, I was a bit too young for the noughties rock revival (I would have been 6 when this album dropped) so I can’t really comment on how popular or well-received the band was compared to similar, more long-lasting acts such as Franz Ferdinand or the Arctic Monkeys. Around when I first heard this album was when I was going through a bit of a phase with those two bands (and I still love them both, and have their full discographies), and I sort of got this idea in my head of their three debut albums forming this sort of trifecta. You’ve got Franz Ferdinand’s self-titled as this posh, high-class, swaggering album, Stars of CCTV as the working class counterpart, downtrodden and desperate but more worldly and mature, and Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I Am Not between the two with all this youthful energy, as well as pretty handily representing the middle class in this little structure. Worth noting it’s been a while since I’ve listened to that one, so I’m likely to be completely wrong about it.

Regardless, desperate is where we start with Stars of CCTV and it’s opening track, Cash Machine. The very first seconds of the track do an excellent job of introducing the mood of the song, and album as a whole, with this incredibly lonely harmonica bit, the introduction of this smooth little bassline, and a sudden shift into the first verse with it’s hard-hitting drumbeats and sparse, scratchy guitar. The lyrics kick in, as we begin this story of living paycheck to paycheck and not having enough money to get home after a night out. Between that and some of the soaring strings in the back of the chorus the song sounds just like a tragedy in motion. This continues into the second verse, with the singer’s desperate attempts to find a way home, and lamenting the world and situation he’s in, finally cultivating in the final verse- his girlfriend makes a positive pregnancy test, and he can’t afford the baby, so he has to skip out on her. There’s this real sense of loss in the song, with this character who’s sure he’s done nothing particularly wrong in life but is suffering regardless- he’s tormented by his poverty, made manifest in the form of this ATM. Cash Machine is probably my second favourite track on this album, if I’m honest- despite being well-off enough that I will probably never have to relate to it (privilege checked, nice) it’s still incredibly cohesive and just…sad. Hopeless even.

The album fortunately doesn’t stay this low forever, as we follow up with…Middle Eastern Holiday? Aw shit. The song opens and sticks with this faster, more light-hearted drum line (featuring a small amount of cowbell), and it’s not exactly a positive song but it’s certainly no Cash Machine. It’s talking about a heavy topic, but almost with a mocking tone, condemning the idea of late teenagers signing up for the military without thinking it through. It’s a much more traditional song, and thereby much more forgettable, but still a very solid indie rock track.

We then get into Tied Up Too Tight, and I honestly couldn’t tell you what this one is about. Definitely a lot less dark/political than the last few. The build-up to the first chorus gets longer every time I hear the song, I swear to god. I almost feel like this build-up is kind of too long for the payoff it gets. I was a lot higher on the song when I first heard it, but I just kind of get weary of it the more I do. The verses are pretty repetitive, with this 11 or so second loop of instrumental over and over with the lyrics being the only real change until the prechorus, which takes a full minute to kick in. And it’s not like that loop isn’t interesting, there’s actually a lot going on in it, but it just starts to grind on me. And as I said, the chorus doesn’t pay the build off enough to be satisfying, nor does it deliberately fall so flat as to undercut it and release the tension that way. (a tactic which pays off in songs such as Radiohead’s Weird Fishes)

Gotta Reason is the first track on this album I almost completely forgot about if I’m honest. You mean there’s another track on here before Hard to Beat? Damnit. I don’t have any super strong opinions about it, but between it and Hard to Beat we’re firmly entering the “fun” part of this album. I also completely forgot about the fake out ending, which seems completely pointless if you ask me.

Oh hell yeah, Hard to Beat. Hard to Beat was the first Hard-Fi song I heard, thanks to Spotify recommendations, and the only one I’ve heard in public. It’s cleanly their biggest song, and for good reason, because this song is a fucking jam. Lyrically, it’s nothing special, being a fairly straightforward club love song, but it’s just got this really solid vocal performance, especially with the phenomenal prechorus and chorus, as well as this really fun, if basic, guitar line that’s all brought together by this fuzzy bass that I honestly adore. It’s all just great to sing and groove along to, and I can’t even write all of this without being completely lost in it. Seriously, go listen to this song, holy shit. One of the best rock songs that decade. It’s a song with a prophetic title, however, as the remainder of the album is left with an especially tough act to follow.

We enter a 4-song long period here of tracks that didn’t leave enough of an impact on me such that I basically didn’t know any of them until I relistened to write this post. Unnecessary Trouble is another decent rock song, following in the vein of Gotta Reason, but with added “Whoa-oh-ohs” for some spice. Move on Now is a bit of a turn, as it’s a singer + piano song rather than being a rock song. While being incredibly melancholy (as the genre tends to), it still isn’t anything special- the vocal performance is passable, and the piano line is pretty generic. I do like the little bit of bridge that comes in with a little bit of trumpet and a drum machine, and how quiet the vocals get at the very end.

Better Do Better lands as a better Tied Up Too Tight, with this low, relatively quiet build that makes sure not to overstay its welcome before bursting out into the chorus with the vocals SUDDENLY SHOUTING and then chilling out again but now the rest of the song is amped up. It does have a bit of spice for itself with the bridge, which is a little funkier than anything else on the album. The ninth track, Feltham is Singing Out, is basically fine, though the mix isn’t great as far as I can tell- the vocals in the verses are a little muddied in the guitar line. It is a touch harder a song than anything else on the album- the chorus instrumental reminds me vaguely of The Cranberries’ Zombie, but a good bit higher pitched and sped up. Actually, it’s nothing like Zombie, but it has a similar guitar tone if you know what I mean?

At this point I’m basically living for Living for The Weekend. I just love the intro, with this slowly rising synth and this sudden, stuttered percussion that sadly doesn’t continue into the rest of the track. The feel of the song well conveys that feeling of finally being able to take a load off and party after a long week of work, with a vocal performance that sounds vaguely weary, but still relieved and excited. I also love that the track ends on a fade-out with the lyrics “You and I, going out tonight” repeated, as it sort of suggests in some way that that story continues, though hopefully not directly into the last song.

Stars of CCTV’s self-titled finale is another odd one out, being entirely acoustic, and we’re well and truly back to melancholy here. Stars of CCTV referring to the celebrity of the criminal, with the fame and recognition that comes from a wanted poster or your face on the news. The sense of desperation lingers again in this song, like the infamy is what this person lives for, but they almost hate themselves for it. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but hey this is an opinion blog, right. Anyway, the music. Outside of the surprisingly varied vocals the song has not a massive amount to offer, though I really like the playful piano in the bridge, as well as the little claps bringing it all together. It is honestly one of the better songs on the album, and nicely bookends the album with Cash Machine.

Overall Stars of CCTV is a solid album, despite its fair number of forgettable tracks. The lows aren’t especially low, and the highs range from great to fantastic. If you’ve gotten this far without listening to it then I’d recommend fetching your streaming service of choice and giving it 45 minutes of your time.

Now that we’re done here, please please please hit me up if you have feedback or just want to ask something, either here or on twitter @Raderph. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next time.

#hard-fi #starsofcctv #music #review?#rock

1 note · View note

otomeshistarlight-blog · 6 years ago

Text

We’re chugging right along with the enigmatic Dabi!

1. Sleep: Dabi probably sleeps in ‘the yearner’ position, an assumption I’m basing off the personality traits associated with this pose. People who sleep like this are a little complicated: they are open-minded, yet cynical; slow and suspicious when making a decision, but stick to it once their minds are made up. If that doesn’t sound like our favorite fire-based villain, then I don’t know what does. Essentially he always looks like he’s reaching out for something that isn’t there, maybe a person or even a moment in time he remembers fondly, and as such you can’t help but feel a little morose while you watch him snooze. Something about him lying there like that just strikes you as so sad but if you ask him about it in the morning, he’ll shrug you off with a smart remark. However if you decide to lie down with him, don’t be surprised when those stretched out arms snake their way around your body and pull you in tight against the front of his chest. He doesn’t look it, but he’s actually quite the cuddler - at least when he’s asleep anyway. In fact, you’ll be hard pressed to disengage from his embrace if you find yourself needing to pee in the middle of the night so you’d better use the bathroom before bedtime. I almost want to describe him as being a clingy bed partner but possessive might be a slightly more accurate term. He snores on occasion, softly and only for a few minutes at a time, and he’s a pretty solid sleeper so you wont have to worry about accidentally getting hit in the face. Definitely hogs the blankets though so be prepared for a game of tug-o-war.

2. Sad: Dabi is a pretty aloof individual anyway but I think you’d easily be able to tell when he was feeling a little down. Rather than simply looking sleepy like usual, his eyes would take on a more hollow expression and the corners of his mouth would pinch around his scarred flesh. He may not be able to hide his emotions well but he’d certainly be loathe to open up about it in an honest way, defensively guarding the truth until you either dropped the subject or he forced you to drop it. Rather than being cold, he’s simply a secretive person out of necessity and burying his emotions is pretty much second nature at this point. If you managed to break his walls down enough that he trusted you, implicitly and unequivocally, he would eventually choose the most inopportune time to come clean about what he was feeling. Maybe it would be something as domestic as when you were brushing your teeth before bed or maybe in the middle of dinner without any forewarning to the sudden topic change but, more than likely, I see it happening when the mood is decidedly inappropriate. Perhaps right in the middle of sex, his attempt at really startling you, or even in the middle of a heated argument that has absolutely nothing to do with his emotions and he’d likely take great pleasure in seeing you rattled at the sudden announcement. Any sort of confession in this regard would be used as leverage for him to get the upper hand rather than him actually wanting to talk about his feelings.

3. Happy: Dabi is only truly happy when he’s the direct cause of chaos and mayhem, or when he inadvertently finds himself standing in the middle of such a scene. The negatively charged energy and bad vibes that radiate off a situation like this, whether that be a disorganized bar brawl or a burning building collapsing around him, makes his skin crawl in the best way imaginable. It feeds him, stoking him like an open air flame, and it just gets him more amped up with each passing second. He’s used to going about things as a lone wolf of sorts, and he’s more than content with this, but I think he’d be pleasantly surprised to find that having a partner in crime just makes the end results all the more satisfying. You’d need to be able to keep up with him without slowing him down, and it would also help if you were just as fearless as he was, but he’d truly enjoy having you along for the ride. After all, two pairs of hands are better than one and he absolutely lives for that moment where you can pull the metaphorical grenade pin together and watch everything come crashing down. The adrenaline fueled sex afterwards is nothing to shake your finger at either.

4. Angry/Violent: Dabi is, for the most part, a relatively laid back kind of guy. Rather than getting angry, he prefers to focus on spitting arsenic laced words and dripping thick sarcasm from every syllable but by no means is he immune to bouts of rage. Actually, his are some of the most explosive you’re likely to see any time soon and its best to stick clear when he finds himself in one of these moods. I can easily see him absolutely scorching a place to the ground during one of these blind meltdowns but, on a slightly more subdued note, I certainly don’t put basic property damage past him. Punching holes in the wall, throwing/breaking furniture, smashing windows, etc. However, it would take an awful lot to get him to this point and, although I don’t think he could be talked down after already going off the deep end, there is that possibility that you could potentially diffuse the situation before it got that far. It would be best to try and get him to walk away from whatever was upsetting him enough that he’d drop his smart mouthed attitude, but if you were the cause of his little temper tantrum ... may god help you.

5. Sex: Dabi strikes me as an experimental and fun partner whose not restricted by basic notions of what is and isn’t acceptable to do in the bedroom. Or an alleyway. Or in the bathroom of a seedy bar. Or anywhere really. The point is, he’s down for basically whatever, whenever the mood strikes him. He’s just living his life and trying to have a good time so I definitely think he’d need a lover with as few inhibitions as him. An innocent partner would be fun to tease and taking advantage of their naivety would be something he’d take great joy in, but eventually that would get old. He wants to be excited by the act and experience the rush and thrill of doing something decidedly bad with someone who enjoys it just as much as him. Perhaps this is simply an act of rebellion, lashing out against the society that tried to tame his spirit, or maybe he’s just a legitimate freak in the sack. Either way, I know I’m picking up whatever he’s putting down. He doesn’t have much interest in the slow and steady technique, much preferring to go to town with foundation shaking enthusiasm, but if the right moment called for it he could be persuaded to take it down a notch. Like, say, if he had you pinned to a pool table in the farthest corner of a crowded bar and he just ever so inconspicuously lifted your skirt up ....

6. Living Quarters: Dabi is a controlled mess in every facet of his life. He strikes me as a mostly nomadic villain who doesn’t stay in one place for too long, jumping from abandoned building to backrooms in strip clubs and sometimes even landing on a couch in a veritable meth den. Its not glamorous and its not pretty, but its the life he’s chosen for himself. He likely does have a little nesting spot to call his own, one thats secluded and hard to find, perhaps an underground bunker of sorts that no one knows about, where he can keep what little personal belongings he owns. But he doesn’t go there very often, just when the mood strikes him, and he always half expects the place to be raided and empty every time he stops by. I’m very doubtful about Tomura giving him or any of the others a place to stay above the bar - I don’t know if that building would even necessarily be outfitted with bedrooms anyway, and that kind of generosity would ride on the implication that Tomura actually liked Dabi as a fellow person. Which, given their sassy back and forth banter, doesn’t exactly seem to be the case. I’m eagerly awaiting more details concerning this in canon and I do so hope that Horikoshi delivers.

7. Romantic: Dabi doesn’t appear to have a romantic bone in his body, much preferring general displays of lust to communicate his attraction and also the occasional lewd gestures that are sure to raise a few eyebrows. Its not even that he isn’t aware of how these kinds of things work, its just that he has no interest and they, quite frankly, bore him. He appears to be a rebel without a cause and everything about him screams to me ‘fuck the man’ so of course he’s going to do the exact opposite of what he was always told to do. But more than that, if he wanted a normal relationship with normal parameters that didn’t feature high stakes then he wouldn’t have become a villain. I think its obvious that he doesn’t want ‘normal’ and in fact I’d be willing to bet that, if anything, he’d look for something as abnormal as you could possibly get. That being said, I could see him showing his affection by giving you gifts in the form of stolen trinkets or maybe taking you to get a piercing. Or maybe doing it himself. The closest he’d probably get to actual romanticism would be some of the pragmatic, obscurely prophetic nonsense I could easily see him spouting at random. The kind of stuff that makes you feel like the center of his world and like a speck of dust all at the same time.

8. Family & Friends: Dabi is ... an enigma for good reason. I don’t necessarily feel comfortable even taking a stab at this one because, while I do subscribe to the theory that he’s a Todoroki, there are far too many different angles to approach that from for me to even begin making an accurate prediction. Based on the evidence, I do think that he’s Endeavor’s second oldest son and all of the coincidental pussyfooting around him and his real identity is suspicious as hell but the exact details are as good as anyones guess. Was he a failed experiment? Shoto version 1.0? Was he jealous that Shoto was the chosen one instead of him? Did he get burnt up trying to protect Shoto? Like, there are just way too many possibilities and not enough facts to base anything off of at this point. And thats not even mentioning the fact he not only could have been, but likely was, an entirely different person before becoming a villain, which only further muddles this topic. He’s not the same, unhinged psychopath that Toga is (and damn, do I love her) so that seems to imply that he wasn’t always this way. Anything I could say to answer this question would be pure conjecture unlike the rest of this post so I don’t even want to take a stab in the dark here.

9. Hobbies: Dabi seems like the sort who’d enjoy playing pool and darts, typical leisure activities you’d find in a bar, and maybe some artistic outlets like painting. I doubt he has a lot of down time though so I see him being more of an ‘out looking for trouble’ kind of guy who somehow manages to find himself in increasingly improbably situations. I also think he’d be into gambling, even just on a basic level, but he’d no doubt be quite good at it with that poker face of his.

10. Likes/Dislikes: Dabi likes chaos, whether causing it or simply being stuck in the middle of it, quiet places to wind down in after all the fun has been said and done, adrenaline fueled situations and interesting people/things. He dislikes those who look down on him for any reason, being bored or otherwise unstimulated and soap box preachers.

11. Childhood: Again, this is something I just can’t make an educated guess about and I apologize for that.

12. Old Age: Dabi likely doesn’t see himself reaching old age given both his lifestyle and his penchant for trouble. I also view him as having the ‘live fast, die young’ sort of mindset that only exacerbates his thrill seeking nature and the only thing thats kept him alive this long are his goals ... whatever those may be. Revenge? Making a point? Again, conjecture!

13. Cooking: Dabi isn’t much of a cook but after fending for himself for so long, he’s got the basics down. He can prep a cup of instant ramen like no ones business and he makes a mean grilled cheese. But thats about the extent of his culinary skills and he doesn’t get a chance to polish them all that often as I imagine he’d be more inclined to find someone (or a couple someones) who were willing to give him handouts for one reason or another. Regardless, he appears thin enough that food doesn’t seem to be a top priority and he likely takes scraps whenever he can get them. He looks like he’d be a fan of spicy food though. The hotter the better.

14. Random: Dabi’s favorite positions are the Downward Dog, because he likes wrestling you underneath him and pinning you down in a prone position thats just perfect for hitting your g-spot. He does so love making you scream until your throat is hoarse, after all.

The Pile Driver, for much of the same reasons

and of course the Reverse Cowgirl because he strikes me as an ass man and he loves nothing more than watching yours bounce on his dick.

Dabi is, almost without a doubt, a kinky little bastard and I could easily see him incorporating various forms of bondage and power play dynamics into a relationship. I think he’d find any kind of piercing play especially tantalizing and risky public sex seems like it would likewise be at the top of his list. Rather than having one angle he prefers to go in at, he’d actually enjoy trying out all kinds of different things to see what sticks, whats just kind of eeh, and what ends in disastrous failure. Never a dull moment with this one, be ready for the ride of your life if you choose to ignore all the warning signs and climb on board anyway.

#hero academia #dabi #self insert bullshit #my writing

32 notes · View notes

thefeedpost · 6 years ago

Text

17 Tiny But Important Truths To Remember When You Think Life Sucks

Twenty20 / @Lesia.Valentain

Let’s be real guys, life’s a bitch sometimes. Am I right? As human beings, we experience ups and downs throughout our entire existence on this floating sphere through space. And sometimes when we’re really down in the dumps, it’s hard for us to remember the happy times because we naturally become laser-focused on the negatives.

Well, I am here to remind all of you that you don’t have to live that way. The following list was compiled from various pieces of advice I’ve received along my journey, most of which was when I was pretty down myself. Whether your struggles are current or ongoing, major or minor, I hope these little reminders will help you overcome this dark period you’re experiencing now.

1. Failing now does not make you a failure forever

Each individual will overcome several trials and tribulations throughout this lifetime, and sometimes we’re going to fail. But that does not mean that the things you try in the future will yield the same result. Finding the courage to try again shows that life will not be able to take you down easily. It will also instill a confidence in you that you may have lacked in the past, one that empowers you to take on other life challenges down the road.

2. You are not alone in your struggle

With over seven billion people on the planet, it is difficult to imagine that whatever you’re currently dealing with is your cross to bear alone. While you may never meet someone who is struggling the same way you are in the same time frame, you can take comfort in knowing others have experienced similar troubles. They may not all approach these obstacles in the same way you do, but it’s definitely comforting to know you don’t have to face this alone. You can take solace in knowing that there is hope, that it is possible to work this out….or at least move past whatever block currently exists in your path.

3. Even the small steps are significant

It may feel like you have to solve every piece of your problem at once, but I have good news for you, my friend. Even taking the smallest steps in the right direction is helpful. Whether that’s specific to your struggle or not is your decision, but either way, things never seem as daunting in the light. Spending time with someone who brings you joy or even indulging in a new hobby could be a small step that leads you to find greater happiness.

4. You have people who love and support you

Ah, friends, family, loved ones in general. They’re your fellow human beings you can count on to have your back in times of struggle. Whether that’s a shoulder to cry on or a body to bury, rest easy knowing that you are not alone in your fight and these people will be there to love you through it no matter what.

5. It is okay to reach out for help

Now, because you know for a fact that you are not alone in these trying times, there is absolutely nothing wrong with making the effort to reach out to those people. It is so common to feel like a burden or a PITA (pain in the ass) by dumping your drama on your loved ones, but I assure you, you are neither of those things. There is a subsection in the contract that is your friendship with each of these individuals that ensures you they will be there should you need it. It’s quite literally part of the job description. So, stop holding back worries that you’ll be a bother to them. I can promise you that if they know you well, they can already tell something’s up anyway and will want to do whatever they can to get you back to where you need to be.

6. Some of the most successful people have been where you are

Everyone knows the success stories of those like Steve Jobs, Michael Jordan, and Oprah. But it was not something that happened overnight. Each of them experienced rough patches on their path before finding their individual successes. So it comes as no surprise that one of the points in this article would be that you too can be successful. Whether that be in your career, in love, or your life in general, each of their success stories is proof that you too can escape your current reality and work to make a better one for yourself.

7. The suck is temporary (Mostly)

Nothing lasts forever, right? At least that’s what we’ve always been told. And while it usually carries a negative connotation, in this case, it can really be a good thing. For the most part, whatever you’re currently going through will not last forever either. You will find moments of happiness and there will be times when it feels like things are on the rise. Hold on to those feelings and use them as motivation to get you out of your funk.

8. Get that shit out

Cry. Scream. Throw things. (Just not at other people, please…) Whatever it is you need to do, get that anger and sadness out of your heart. It will feel impossible to achieve true happiness if you are constantly bogged down by negativity. So go out in the field and smash that printer “Office Space” style, you’ll thank yourself for it.

9. Don’t dwell on it

As important as it is to work all that shit out of your system, it is JUST as important to recognize when you’ve exceeded your threshold of stress, emotions, whatever. A person can only take so much. Only so much can be said or done about a subject before it is time to accept that you’ve made all the effort you can and to move on with your life. Do not continue wasting energy on something that has already proved to suck the life right out of you.

10. Appreciate every good thing that happens

One good thing about being sad is that anytime something good happens, it can feel like a small victory. This can be anything from getting complimented by a stranger to having a mental breakthrough, or maybe even a creative one. Happiness comes in all forms, and even the tiniest glimpse of hope can put you in a better frame of mind. Accepting the good things that happen to you will also have a positive effect on your self esteem, giving you more confidence for the future.

11. You live and you learn.

A man named Malcolm Gladwell once said, “A lot of what is most beautiful about the world arises from struggle.” You will never experience something tough that does not teach you something. About other people, about yourself, etc. The lessons here are the most important, they are what we take with us once the tough part has ended. It’s the advice we go on to give others who struggle with the same things. Each and every point in this article is a different lesson I have learned throughout my life.

12. Times of struggle often teach us who we really are

You will never know yourself better than when it’s you against the world. Now I know that I said earlier that you would always have love and support from those closest to you, and that’s true. However, at the end of the day, no one in this life makes decisions for you but you. Regardless of advice given or feelings had by others, you will have to look deep inside yourself and find the determination to continue rising up. And in doing that, we all learn SO MUCH about ourselves. The process of our problem solving, our emotions, our ability to deal with change..People always say we should be our own best friends. I believe that, and I believe that in times of struggle you have the potential to build a bond with your soul that truly becomes unbreakable.

13. You have a unique purpose here

Every single one of us is put on this planet at this moment for some undiscovered reason. Some may never truly figure out their soul’s purpose, but we all know how to recognize someone who has. It’s easy to forget just how important you are, and how impactful your existence is to not only those around you but to this world. Maybe you’ll be the one to discover the cure for cancer, or maybe you’re going to create beautiful masterpieces that go down in history, bringing humanity to tears. Maybe you’re simply here because someone else needs you to be. Just like our quest to understand our own purpose, we rarely grasp the perspective understand just how much our presence matters to others. You matter, and you truly never know where the future could lead.

14. Exercise is good!! Or just any physical activity really…

Being sedentary does you very little good, my friend. Too often we find ourselves hidden away from the world in times of turmoil. It’s much easier to sit around watching Netflix, eating cold mac and cheese until you explode when considering the idea of actually going out and doing something when you’re depressed. Physical activity can be anything from simply taking a walk outside to yoga to taking a full-on kickboxing class. We release endorphins into our systems when we exercise, and their job is to help amp up the happiness level inside our brains. Aside from that, being active opens up more chances to meet new people, and to work through the shit hanging around inside our heads in a constructive way.

15. At the end of the day, there’s always meditation (Pro Advice via TinyBuddha’s Benson Wong)

THIS! Guys, I cannot tell you how many times I have been given this same advice. It took me literal years to yield it, and when I finally did I was shocked. I have never felt more at ease in my life! Clearing your mind to a calm state while sitting comfortably deep in thought is so cleansing for the mind and for the soul. It can give you clarity, but can also just keep you calm. There are zero negative effects from doing meditation. And you can do it whenever you’d like! As soon as you get a rhythm for it down, you could plop down in just about any space and get your brain thinking in the right direction.

16. Ultimately, you and only you are in control of your life

Sometimes unfortunate circumstances bring us down, but only you say how long you’ll stay down for. Happiness is a state of mind, my dears, and we all have to make our own efforts to bring us back to it. No matter how many times someone tells you that you have to get up, you have to get back out there, until you make the conscious effort to, it won’t happen. When you think about it that way though, it should bring you comfort. If you and only you decide how drastically something affects you, then you and only you can decide how to react. And learning how you react to things can open up so much space for you in regards to how you deal when the negativity train pulls into the station.

17. What have you got to lose?

That’s the real question, isn’t it? We have the opportunity every single day to decide that we want to get out of this funk, that this darkness we’ve lived in for so long just isn’t worth putting up with anymore. It can be very scary standing up to your demons, big or small. But I can tell you this from personal experience, nothing is scarier than staying there. Being stagnant in your unhappiness, hoping for either the end or a miracle to bring you out. It is times like those that we have to look ourselves in the mirror and decide what it is we’re willing to do to ultimately escape our own mental prison. Think about it: What do you really have to lose? If you want to find happiness again, take action to seek it. Happiness will find you.

While each of these points focused on different sections of your life, I meant what I said before about you retaining control of what kind of mind frame you choose to maintain. If you know in your heart that you want to be happy, then you fight and fight and fight until you feel it. Not just for a minute or so; give yourself more than that. Fight until happiness overwhelms you with its warmth and comfort, making you wonder why you waited so long to take that first step. No one will be able to deter you from your path once you’ve found it, not even you. And once you have it in your sights, I promise you all the struggle and darkness will be worth it.

As the wise Nas once said, “Once you make it to your point of making it, you’ll appreciate the struggle.”