#which is read a bunch of fanfic
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gang. im doing it. im finally reading TGCF
#u may have thought i already did....... which would make more sense than what i have really done#which is read a bunch of fanfic#watch the show#and assume it sounded mid and deciding not to read it despite greatly enjoying the fan content#but tbh upon reluctantly starting the book it is already clear that the show does it a pretty big disservice despite the nice animation#and that much of the fic ive read is working from a complex web of fanon content that doesnt reflect the full plot#much to consider...#lets see how this goes!#tgcf
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@openphrase123 your fanfic(s but i mainly made art of the mira and siffrin one because i cant remember words for the life of me for i do not speak french) IS???? ? SO GOOD. SO GOOD IM FOAMING AT THE MOUTH finally something to look forward to in the week fr
Mild spoilers for it ig!! But nothing too explicitly groundbreaking i dont think it'll kill your mom to look at these without having read the ff first
Don't mind the shit quality i??? I drew all these so fast theyre kinda shit and i have yet to fully acclamate isat to my artstyle so it's mid
Teehee me when i make shitty rushed fanart to show my appreciation that i cannot put into words for my faovorite games and also authors
peep the rant in the tags
#isat#isat fanart#isat siffrin#isat mirabelle#god ive been obsessing over isat lately#its terrible how ive been feeding into it#ffs of it be having me giggling running around because siffrin is healing#not in this particular one though#at least not at the part thats written rn#i do love seeing them suffer in equal parts#siffrin my scrimblo i will microwave you#a mosquito is in my room as im typing this girl gtfo#slight spoilers for this fanfic i suppose#okay so THE FANFIC BROO that part where sif lets mira pick his name?! makes me think that sponsors always pick the names#hence why sif never got a new name and spica feels outdated#also i love LOVE seeing mirabelle get better and better at yk... remembering#needing sif to reintroduce themselves every time is such a creative way to do like a pseudo timeloop#everything was so neat#upset that i cant do them justice in drawinng though i have very little experience drawing black hairstyles#or like being around black people with such hairstyles which is a shame!! i would wanna get a better look at the texture and the variation#BACK TO THE FF i literally read this to my older brother out loud (thank god i managed to pester him to play Isat)#and my throat got so raw from speaking that i had to stop but then itd get to another cool detail and i HAD to tell him#so my throat pain? your fault not mine nuh uh not the lack of self control#case in point thanks a bunch for writing!! i wanna get as good at that as you at some point
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The fandom can't make up its mind on what's supposed to be a joke and what's supposed to be serious because the show can't either half the time. It's a tonally disjointed mess that wants to have absurd over-the-top humor as well as a plot and moments of drama, romance, and angst that demand you see the characters as people and feel for what they're going through. Except you can't do that without also treating the dumb bullshit in a somewhat grounded way. Like, you're still dealing with the same characters. You can't just go "Oh, that? Let's ignore that!" the moment it's no longer convenient to you. You've opened this can of worms and now you have to sleep in it. So, every character flip-flops between two different versions of themselves depending on what the writers need in any particular scene.
This is not to say surreal humor can't be used right alongside characters you're supposed to empathize with, Teen Titans (not Go) did that and it worked. It's just that the absurdity can only come from the setting (Mad Mod, Mother Mae-Eye, pretty much anything Control Freak is in) or from designated joke characters (Date With Destiny). Teen Titans never had the main characters acting in clearly absurd ways as the butt of a joke unless those characters were brainwashed somehow, because the writers knew that would ruin any of the more grounded moments they wanted to write. The writers of Miraculous missed the memo on that one.
I don't disagree. A perfect example is Derision where the show takes all of the bad jokes about Marinette's crush and decides to take them seriously as if you can possible take them seriously without making Marinette come across as unhinged and dangerous. You can't, which brings us to the topic at hand: how do you even begin to understand these characters when the show is constantly making character-breaking choices?
My approach - and the approach I recommend others take if they're going to keep watching the show - is to focus on the characters' cores and reject anything canon does to violate those cores. I don't argue for this stance because I love the characters so much that I only want the good things to count. I take this stance because, if you don't, then the characters fall apart. There is no way to make them work as fully realized characters while embracing every choice canon has made. Miraculous has massive characterization issues that go well beyond the humor.
For example, Adrien has multiple moments of terrible behavior that are played in a serious manner such as the moment in the episode Frozer where he tries to start a fight with Ladybug in the middle of an akuma attack because she wouldn't accept a rose from him earlier:
Setup
Ladybug: I can't accept this rose from you. I told you already. I'm in love with someone else. Cat Noir: I know, M'lady. But if he weren't here, would things be different between us? Ladybug: Well, you know, I can't even begin to imagine him not being here. I'm sorry, Cat Noir. I really gotta get going, and you better do the same. (Swings her yo-yo to head back home; Cat Noir is sad, looking downwards, with one petal of the rose falling.)
Payoff
Ladyice: Cat Noir. We need to set up a trap for whoever turned the city into a giant ice rink. (throws yo-yo) Icecat: (bitterly) My feline instincts prefer to track and observe before I attack. You go your way, I'll go mine. Ladyice: Please don't tell me you're mad at me about the rose. Icecat: There may be a certain chill now between us. Ladyice: I get it, but we should really focus on saving Paris right now. Icecat: We don't always have to do everything together, after all. It's not like we're a couple. (skates away)
There's no way to argue this off as a bad joke. While Adrien has every right to feel hurt, those feelings don't excuse him acting like a pouting child in the middle of an akuma fight. It doesn't excuse him acting like this at any point! Ladybug is not a villain for telling him no. She wasn't even mean about it!
I clearly fully agree that Adrien looks awful and selfish here, but I'd still argue that it's not something that should be used to define Adrien's character if your goal is to tell the "ideal" version of Miraculous. "Ideal" being the version that canon seems to be going for based on the overall picture we can sort of make out if we back way, way, way up and look at the extremely abstract picture canon is clumsily painting.
Unless canon is going to do something monumentally stupid, Adrien is Marinette's endgame romantic interest. It's also clear that there is no plan to cut him from the team. He's going to be Chat Noir for the rest of his life or at least well into his adulthood. This means that he is supposed to be a good hero who deserves his miraculous just like he's supposed to be a charming and cute romantic lead. These are the two things I keep in mind when trying to shift through canon to figure out what writing choices I should fully embrace and what writing choices I have to either ignore or treat as true flaws that get an actual character arc. In my book, either approach is fine because most of the characters are deeply flawed at this point and you can't give them all arcs without bloating the story to nonsense levels.
My goal with this approach is never to say, "oh, that moment shouldn't count in terms of how people feel about the character." It's more, "that moment goes so hard against who this character is very clearly supposed to be that I can't take it into account if I want to tell the kind of story that Miraculous is trying (and clearly failing) to tell."
As an example, let's list off Adrien's worst behaviors. The things that make him look terrible:
He sucks at communicating his needs and feelings, leading to multiple moments where he gets mad at Ladybug for things she's totally unaware of
He has quit or considered quitting without warning multiple times and only one of those was because of something he did "wrong" (NYC Special)
He puts his feelings before the safety of Paris on multiple occasions, even going so far to purposely miss akuma fights to see what happens
He is incredibly pushy about his crush, often ignoring Ladybug's feelings on the topic by continuing to bring it up even after she asked him to stop
There have been multiple instances where he almost cataclysmed multiple people in a fit of anger
His love for Ladynette isn't strong enough to let him break free of things like akumas and nightmare dust even when he's looking her in the eyes making him a pretty crappy romantic lead
People will argue that some of this behavior makes sense for his character because of the abuse that canon has technically introduced, but that the writers seem blissfully unaware of. I don't disagree with that argument, but that doesn't change the fact that none of this is acceptable behavior for a hero and Adrien is a hero who keeps doing these things. A sad backstory doesn't give you the right to behave poorly without consequences.
At the same time, if I fully embrace these elements of canon, what I get is an Adrien salt fic where he loses his miraculous for good while Marinette finds her real true love or even just a non-salty fic where Adrien leaves for his own meatal health and gets replaced by someone who can handle being a hero right now. Canon's not writing either of those, so the only way to engage with these flaws while enjoying canon or aiming for the same end goals as canon is to say, "I guess this doesn't count" or "I guess I need to tone this way down and work through it via a character arc" or even "I guess that was just a bad joke maybe?"
That is the essence of what I mean when I call myself a writing salt, character sugar blog. It comes from looking at canon and seeing that there's simply no way to embrace the worst moments and the best at the same time. We're not dealing with a coherent plot and/or complex characters. We're dealing with a nonsense plot that will warp the characters to bizarre shapes to make random ideas work even if those idea go wildly against canon's end goals.
As an example, Glaciator and Frozer should not exist in the same universe or, at the very least, something should explain why Chat Noir randomly changed his stance on Ladybug's crush from acceptance to pushiness. As is, the pieces don't fit together. The behavior is too contradictory. Remember, this is how Glaciator ends:
Perhaps Ladybug will love me someday. I mean, like, I love her. I have to believe. In the meantime, her friendship is the best gift of all.
Where did this version of Adrien go? Why did he regress in Frozer? There's no in-universe reason. It happened because the writers weren't ready to let the love square date or grow close, but they also wanted the love square to cause drama, so Adrien ends up looking terrible just like Marinette ends up looking terrible when it's her turn to cause love square drama. Her terribleness takes a different flavor so it can be hard to realize that this is a systemic issue, but that's what it is. It's deeply frustrating, but it also clearly stems from cheap writing and not quality characterization.
This is also why my stance is that canon as a whole only supports my Doyalistic core-character analysis style of approach. The writing is too poor quality to do Watsonian analysis where you embrace the full picture and try to put it all together. The closest I'll get to Watsonian analysis is pointing out how much the writing botches a Watsonian take by showing you all the way the writing contradicts itself, twisting into a nonsense pretzel of frustration where the payoffs never satisfy! (See the season four rant for an example or anything where I talked about Chloe's supposed damnation arc.)
There are even characters where canon is such a total mess that you can Doyalistically argue for two separate takes! Gabriel is a perfect example. He is all over the place and his ending was so poorly handled that you can make strong arguments for writing him as a cold-hearted villain or a sympathetic villain without the end result feeling like it spits in the face of canon because both takes maintain his one core element: villain.
That's the big thing I keep in mind when I look at the characters and the lore and the plots and try to come up with versions that the average fan would like. I don't think that there's one true version of any of these things, but I do feel comfortable saying that there are versions that will very clearly only appeal to people who are salty about a specific thing that canon did poorly. That's not who I want to appeal to in my adaptions, so while I'm not going to argue that those takes have no backing in canon, I will argue that those takes are not supported by canon as a whole. Embracing them requires you to take the worst parts of canon at face value while ignoring what canon is clearly trying to do with the overall story.
I get the appeal of that, but it's not fun for me because that approach feels like rolling around in the mud with the pigs. I don't want to sink to canon's level! I want to have fun! That's why I talk about how to make canon into its best self, not its worst self. If you want its worst self, just go watch the actual show. I will be shocked it if disappoints you.
#anon ask#ml writing critical#ml writing salt#pandaofsecrets#character core#Once again none of this is meant to excuse any specific actions as “not that bad”#This is just me explaining how I approach the characters#I know there are fics out there that try to be sugar while embracing some of the bad parts of canon and that rarely works for me#To address these issues correctly you basically have to rewrite canon with the goal of properly setting up and addressing a specific issue#You can't just jump into canon as-is and fix anything in a truly satisfying way because canon is such a disaster#Lila and Alya is a perfect example#Alya's writing in Lila's episodes goes so hard against who Alya is supposed to be that you have to completely rework Lila and/or her lies#Which is why my list of favorite Lila takedowns is so short#Even the ones that are kind to Alya have her painfully gullible because of how badly written the Lila stuff was#You can't have Alya smart and clever while including all the things she's canonically done in the Lila plot and I hate it#Season five at least temporarily killed the fun of writing for this fandom for me#I hope to get it back so I can finish my in progress stuff because I really do love these characters#Canon just makes it so hard to have fun these days#The stuff I've heard about season six is just depressing#I hope my love for the characters and ideas comes through on this blog in addition to my frustration#I wouldn't be here if I just hated everything about the show#Canon is so beyond saving that I can't even read a lot of non-salty fanfic these days#The stuff that tries to embrace the later seasons while also giving happy endings just depresses me because it never works.#I can only read early canon stuff AUS and reboots#Only way I can enjoy the fandom is to treat canon as a popular but horrible fanfic that a bunch of the fandom is embracing for some reason
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a long while ago i came up with this idea for a game of thrones fanfic that has nothing to do with the plot or events of game of thrones at all and the entire thing is set like 200 years in the past in the dothraki sea with all dothraki characters, and it has no connection to any events that ever happen in westeros. and it would be really good. if i ever wrote it. btw.
#i have a good couple of fanfic ideas like this for a bunch of fandoms that are set somewhere else with all ocs#which i will never write because WHO wants to read them#i mean i would. i would read them.#🌌
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just wanna let u know i got an email notification that you left kudos on my treebark fic and i got jumpscared because i love your art a very normal amount
#ill be real i have no idea which fanfic that was bc ive been binge-reading a bunch of treebark fics these past few days#but if i kudos-d then im sure it was a banger#great job👍#toniaanswers#toniadoodles
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"woah i can't believe you've read blue sky!"
hoho. my dear followers. i have done more than read it. do you have any idea what you are dealing with.
#portal#blue sky#not art#there are two fanfic authors works i would want printed. waffles is one and i did it.#these are levels of tism you cannot even BEGIN to fathom. this book was my Personality in high school.#i mean so was portal in general but 9 years later and I've still not read a better fanfic#i've read some banger fics but blue sky remains its own level#this thing is like two inches thick. it has art in it. its beautiful. i could kill someone with it though. phonebook#alarmingly some people don't even know i like portal which is really funny#because my youtube has a bunch of crappy portal fan animations and my sona's orange hoodie is an Aperture hoodie#but i never draw myself from behind. so. actually can't blame you dhjbfjhdsfghj#my most popular video has over a million views because i edited glados into a cafeteria as a school project#i was Not Normal about portal or blue sky. not even remotely#i LOVE portal its my FAVORITE videogame#IF YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING ME SINCE MY CRAPPY PORTAL FANART DAYS YOU ARE A REAL ONE !!!!!!!!!!!!
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I can't stop thinking about this one time I called my angsty fic "smut" because in my mother tongue sadness is "smutek" and it didn't even occur to me, that it can mean anything else. Just, you know, localized term for angst or somehitn
#and this was pretty good fanfic too#at least last time I read it#I even considered translating it to english and posting here or on my ao3#it's one of the two#both are percy jackson fanfics with heavy focus on ocs and second war with titans#by the way#this also means that there is non zero amount of fanfics that are mistagged as smut for this exact reason#and there is chance that out there exists community of polish speaking writers who think like that#and maybe some from other slavic countries#i don't know#i haven't learned other slavic languages#fic writers#writerscommunity#writing community#tag misunderstandings#misunderstanding#wattpad#some part of me is screaming in agony when i think about it#but imo the funniest part is that nobody corrected me#which suggests that they all thought smut meant sad too#just bunch of polish teenagers who haven't read a story with intimacy closer than a kiss#and tag their stories with smut#wandixx babbles#have a nice day dear stranger who got to this part
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i really like fullmetal alchemist (the manga) but i have friends who were really into fullmetal alchemist (the 2003 anime adaptation) and trying to talk about FMA with them is like talking with someone who thinks the AU fanfic is the source material
#like legitimately your au fanfic does sound like it was fun to watch!#but im talking about the actual book......#fma is like the prime example in my head every time i start to think 'well maybe i should just watch the anime first'#like every other manga origin/anime adaption combo where i've seen both its like oh yeah absolutely the anime is missing out on a ton#but its not a completely different thing#even bleach which had a bunch of au stuff in it was still the source material for the most part#naw now i just realized how many older anime i've never read the source manga for so maybe i should go read cardcaptor lol#anyway im not trying to be a downer its not that serious lmao#like on the flipside i feel like it would really suck to really love something only to learn that the thing you loved was#a rewrite of something more popular? so i dont want to act all elitist about this lol
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honestlyyyy i lowkey need to burn down my smartphone
#so close to deleting all my social media apps. yes that does include tumblr.#but its like. ok i get info abt upcoming events in my area via instagram. ig i could delete facebook but i dont even use it that much#so like guess i could delete it but whats the point#tumblr is definitely eating up a ton of my time but also where would i be without it.#cannot delete it at least until i have my physical diary on me again#i also follow a bunch of journalists on insta but ig i could just keep up with their stuff over at like. the actual agencies they publish in#some of it is paywalled and i dont neccessarily respect the agency as a whole to give it money but. well cope i guess#ao3 is not a social media platform but i do spend an embarassing amount of time using it#and i know i could spend that time reading like. actual books. which i am lowkey struggling with!!#but like if im reading 40k word fanfics then it means i do have an attention span for reading long form fiction#its just that a story with a setting and characters im already familiar with is much easier to 'get into' than something totally new#and like i do know it cause once i got hooked on the witcher saga last summer i literally read all 5 novels within a few days!!#like the attention span IS there. its just that the - to put it in a nerdy way - activation energy feels much higher than it used to#like the hardest part is truly to start!!!#sooo like idk. might delete this godforsaken app starting oct 1st. probably would still log on via desktop#but limiting my tumblr screen time would be sooo good for me. and like im considering giving myself an alotted time for some stuff#like ao3 etc. this simply cannot continue.#thots
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hi, it's me. the fic writer that uses culturally-specific idioms in a very different cultural time setting and keeps confusing words like reign and rein. this is my story.
#kkglinka if you see this i salute your willpower for still being supportive even tho i KNOWWW it must get on your nerves LMFAO#the idioms thing tho i am conscious of it probably half the time but i'm like whatever cuz 1. it's fanfic & 2. prose & character voice >>>>#also if the characters are not speaking english but im writing in english then everything's a translation anyway#so that'd mean translating/localising expressions into ones the intended audience will understand#i toe the line a looooot when it comes to this in my novel wip as well cuz for all intents and purposes the charas SHOULD be speaking malay#but since im writing in english i do have to localise a lot of things do you get me#thinking about that book that went “i have to worldbuild my own culture”. i cant remember the book tho#whoops im going on a tangent#anyway#the whole mixing up words thing though i have no excuse for its just bcs i AM an idiot who doesnt proofread and im too lazy to find a beta#which is also why i have a bunch of typos in all my fics WHOOPS#this is Not a vaguepost btw! this is just me rambling and thinking thoughts in my own space like writing in my diary with glitter pen etc#also i Dont think they were even talking abt my fics in particular cuz i know it's v common among lots of fics (+idk if they read my stuff)#BUT i know i am very very guilty of doing this so. LOL#anywayssss!!!!#shut up haydar#on writing.log
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watched the first two episodes of oshi no ko a while back (REALLY FUCKING GOOD, ive been a manga reader for a while but i stopped reading the recent chapters and basically forgot everything except for the major points and god it’s so satisfying to have the adaptation remind me of what i’ve forgotten in the most beautiful way possible)
but this post isnt about onk, it’s about izaya!! izaya orihara!! lets fucking goooooooooo izaya idol au!!!! i cant get this flea out of my BRAIN
i was about to open a new canvas to draw some more shizaya stuff for my animatic that im never gonna finish and i was like huh. maybe i should draw onk fanart. and then i remembered this art of venti genshin impact with ai’s eyes and i remembered thinking man i hope this becomes an artist trend for people to do with their art blorbos! and then i was like OH. guess i could contribute to the trend by drawing izaya with ai’s eyes
and then i started thinking and i was like huh. Ai’s never experienced love from her parents, doesn’t think she knows how to love or how to express it, doesn’t get attached to others easily, is a perpetual liar, became an idol because she hoped she would learn how to love - oh hey doesnt. that. sound like izaya. just a little bit. not exactly, her character goes into more learning how to love/that she can love while izaya’s character is i can love but only impersonally because i’m afraid of getting hurt and his arc would be learning to let his walls down for his own good
SO for izaya idol au, izaya would become an idol because he wants to experience love, or something along the lines of “there’s no greater demonstration of parasocial love and foolish decision making than in the idol industry! ahaha~” and probably “idols are perfect liars and i need to put myself into their shoes so i can become an even better liar and close myself off to any possibility of falling in love that could ever exist”
there’s a lot of reasons he might want to become an idol, really. there’s so much corruption and behind-the-scenes dealing and lies and facades and shit in the entertainment industry that i think izaya would eat for breakfast. he would LOVE witnessing that shit and making his own shady deals and stuff and occasionally ruining lives and watching people rise and fall down the rankings and tear each other down. plus the people who are in it for passion rather than money are fascinating as well. psychology student’s dream really- i mean what this is definitely about izaya and not me projecting
plus he definitely has the looks for it (narita would hard agree given how many times he’s indirectly called izaya attractive through other characters. we love a canonically hot king)
now i need to make everything shizaya because i’m not okay but i have no idea who shizuo would be lmao
like you could make him some up and coming manager (no age difference stuff here sorry lmao) or a fellow idol (doubtful. shizuo can act cute but i dont think he could dance) or an actor like akane/kana or a streamer??? like memcho (my favorite character)
a mangaka/screenplay writer/writer in general could also work but i feel like you’d have less reason to interact with idols that way
idk how japanese idol groups work for men in particular or if there’s even like a market for that :sob: id have to look into that if i actually started making stuff for this au
alternatively izaya crossdresses as a female idol and somehow no one realizes. except for shizuo. that would be hilarious actually. he refuses to do swimsuit modeling or other provocative stuff and his fans are like “oh?? the brazen kanra-chan is unexpectedly shy?? how cute” and he plays into it but inwardly he’s like. god i know exactly how im gonna go out with a bang when i retire. and shizuo watches him playing at being shy on tv knowing that that motherfucker is planning to strip on his last days as an idol
anyway this is just me spitballing ideas but ill definitely write at least a concept/intro fanfic of this at some point so stay tuned lmAo im just about to run out of writing juices on ABAON so i gotta transfer my energy somewhere else and where better than the idol!izaya au
#shizaya#idolzaya#ill be using that tag for whatever idol au stuff i come up with#i drafted this like. five days after the onk anime came out#this has been drafted for way longer than i wanted it to be#this was also sorta inspired by the idol!kim dokja au fic that’s really popular#i think the male idol industry is way stronger in korea than japan thiugh#that said i dont interact with idols at all personally lmAOO so i have no idea#i will do research later i promise#and read more of more more jump!’s stories for inspiration PFF#i wonder if izaya’s group should be a bunch of drrr girls or like. mostly irrelevant side characters#or if he should just go solo which again. i need to research how hard that would be#i feel like he might want to blend in a bit inside a group#would be fun to observe the jealousy and drama and group dynamics up close too#because if they get jealous of HIM at any point he might just laugh until he dies#i have more ideas but i should save those for the fanfic….#anyway#izaya orihara#shizuo heiwajima#durarara#im excited for this one bro oshi no ko is one of my favorite series ever#but like. not for the romance just because i really like learning about the entertainment industry LMAOO#i dont ship aqua with anyone tbh#can he just be besties with everyone pls#i loved his and kana’s relationship in the beginning where they’re like two good actors in a room full of mids#that was a fun dynamic but it just went downhill for me personally#oh well i can talk about this in my author’s notes pff
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Is there a fanfic out there where Peter just keeps the spider??? And can talk to it/and spiders in general? Like obvs Pete and Spider are angry, confused, etc first but they become friends of a sort and Peter brings it home and still becomes Spider-Man but he's got his little spider spy/tag along??
#spider man#spiderman#peter parker#marvel#spider-man#fanfic ideas#fanfiction#fanfiction prompts#?? ig#I don't really like arachnophobic spiderman#I usually like irony like that but I remember when I used to read a bunch of spider whisperer peter fics#which I thought were funny and charming as heck#and I can see why the arachnophobia would make sense#but that doesn't mean I have to like it#disregarding canon#mcu#doesn't have to be mcu peter#I was reading this stuff b4 homecoming#fic recs#pls?
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For what it's worth i really love your writing style and genuinely enjoy your works so much! Youre an excellent writer 🙂
I really don't think i can believe these types of things lately. You're sweet to try and cheer me up and say nice things! But when it comes to my fics, I've been hearing too many bad things lately to accept any positive feedback as anything other than pity or a well-meaning attempt to make me feel good about myself.
And i know this sounds dramatic or fatalistic or whatever, but that's just how it is right now. I feel like I should take a step back and reevaluate my work, my priorities, everything.
I know that people don't enjoy my works and it hurts me, but it also makes me want to try to write something people will like. I just need to... figure out how to do that.
Fuck, I don't know. It's scary. I feel like I've wasted so much of my life on doing this one thing I thought I was good at and it turns out i just... Whatever.
Thanks for the ask, anon. For the kind words. I know you were trying to be nice and make me feel better, and i appreciate that. But an excellent writer? That I am not.
#wild answers things#wild rambles#this is not a fucking cry for help or anything don't come into my inbox asking if im okay#its 4am and i am venting#and i am also full of regret#you believe ive been writing fanfic for like 14 years?#all this time i could have done something with my life#i found a shakarian fic rec list and the author said theyve read a bunch of my fics but didn't like a single one of them#i got all those comments on edge of yesterday#and like fair edge of yesterday is not my best work#but i hate it when people make me realise how absolutely MEDIOCRE i am#which isn't a bad thing really there's nothing wrong with being mediocre im just#i dont know#i always thought i liked writing#but now im wondering if i just like the familiarity of it#it's just what i do what I've always done#maybe it's just.... comfortable#oh fuck me#i don't know what i am#i don't know anything i want to cry
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I did that like ... 20 times... i guess i do learn from it. But slowly... takes me longer than other ppl apparently
But at least im having fun
write unpublishable things. it's good for you.
#not compromising#not selling out#writing#fun#one of these days....#1st goal isnt publication or even good story but having fun#so#improving gradually along the way...#3 novellas self published#like 3 short stories in school magazinez#2(?) short stories in sf mags#lots of semi finished novels#my 1st novel from teen years 13-18 on illegible notebooks... u shld read that to dee unpublishable#like 12 fanfics over 700k words#a bunch of finished novels that were no good#the worst of which was my only nano novel#which convinced me thats not the format for me#practice#many classes#incl college writing classes#...
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#i have an interview on friday i think#which is conveniently right after getting back from a trip lmfao 😀#bruh when i gave them my interview availability i said like available after 6/20 or smth#and they originally scheduled me for the 13th 💀 which like whatever human error and i emaied and they fixed it#and thenscheduled for the day after i said i would be on a trip lmfao#i have a bunch of shit to do to prepare for it too / complete for them beforehand#and i just realized i also have to prepare a 10 min presentation#without powerpoint or anything like i just have to tak abt smth for 10 mins ?????#which is not that bad ig considering like they could've made me actually give a presentation on myself lmfao#but i think i can actually talk about anything which is cool#bitch is gonna talk abt flow arts / glowsticking lmfao#but like i want more time to prepare TT and idk if i have that much time / motivation / energy on this trip lmao#ugh whatever#idek if i can get this job bc it requires relocation and i can't rly relocate until after this academic year lol#even tho i am no longer in da academic c:#ugh anyway lmao also have an interview next monday idk why they're so close rip#i also have to prepare for that one TT that'll be an after this first interview problem lmao#i also have a coupoel saved job apps deadlines coming up#........ i have not finished the cover letter even tho i was working on it before this trip like i need to finish before this trip#bc i'm not gonna work on it lol but guess what i did not do before this trip :DDD#i could very much do da cover letter rn bc my brother is suddenly having a random ass call for his student org lol#(bro i already miss being on my student org leadership :'''''''''') anyway)#so ig we're just chilling in our hotel#but what if i dont 😀 i've been reading HELLA j/atp fanfic lmfao idk why that specifically but ig i miss them :')#so i'd much rather keep doing that over doign cover letter 😀😀😀😀😀#anyway we'll see lemme shut up now lmao#jeanne talks
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y'all ever just have like. insane anxiety, and you're irritated about the thing that's causing it, and that makes u more anxious? bc i'm like fully aware that i'm having it bc of my anxiety disorder. but i'm still going in a circle here gdi 😑
#r speaks#ughhhh fr i m not thriving rn.#i looked at comments and bookmarks for one of the fics im most proud of for the first time in. a long tome#and there were SO many remarks along the lines of the fact that the story was really good/they loved it/etc BUT that the ending was#EXTREMELY anticlimactic in a very frustrating way and did not wrap it up with the amnt of falling action that i think they expected#however i acknowledged that literally in the ending. that it was anticlimactic. bc it was smth that really impacted the POV character's life#in a significant and horrible way! but despite that as soon as he was able to receive help it could be resolved shockingly quickly#and yeah it didn't deal with the emotional fallout from all of those events!#but i didn't intend to do that! that felt like a whole other fic when i contemplated writing it and it kind of still does#but in an ironic turn of events a fic that i was very proud of and drew a lot on my experience with anxiety to write#which people have said was legitimately stressful to read and even terrifying#is NOW THE THING THATS CAUSING MY CURRENT BOUT OF ANXIETY!!!!!#like. i think constructive criticism is great but. this is fanfic that i wrote for fun and to explore a bunch of feelings i have felt#and dissipate some of that u know? so i'm a bit sad. and have been trying to write the follow-up/more emotionally satisfying wrap up chapter#for like two years. and every time i go back to that fic for encouragement there are MORE AND MORE references to the thing that is wrong#w that fic. instead of the stuff that people like about it. ugh okay i'm just trying to like move past the needless anxiety here i'll stop#r tags
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