#which is more than most people have tbqh

[voidedgear]

The fire splits apart as it rockets toward Kairi, and when she throws herself to the ground, they scream over her head. They’d been tracking her movements, so they'd arched down and crashed into the ground with a loud roar. The grass is momentarily set ablaze before the darkness that holds the spell together disperses, and the magical flames die down.

‘She was lucky,’ Vanitas thinks, ‘with that kind of movement, throwing herself to the side wouldn’t have put enough distance to escape.’

Still, what does it matter? Nothing the princess did would change how this was going to end. She’s the weakest link in the chain that connected the ones born on that light-filled island. Vanitas knows it, and he suspected that Kairi knows it, too.

This thought serves nothing but to increase Vanitas’ aggression. How dare she? How dare she exist as something so important to Sora? How dare she influence Vanitas through his connection to his “brother?”

If Sora ever managed to return, if he heard about this…

Well, Vanitas could easily recall the sheer panic he’d felt through their bond when Xemnas had taken the girl in front of him. He’d undoubtedly seek Vanitas out and fight with him. They would clash and find themselves strengthened in turn—if Ventus doesn’t take matters into his own hands first. Honestly, Vanitas would prefer the second to the first. He’s almost missing him.

If Kairi survives this, Vanitas has no doubt she’ll learn something from their encounter. If she survives.

He’s still one with the ground, speeding toward her when—

     “I’m not letting you hide from me anymore!!” Kairi screams out as her Keyblade blazes with magic.

For a split second, before the light’s intensity ramped up and seared him from the ground, Vanitas suddenly recalls something from before he and Ventus had been ripped apart. He’d been burrowing into his heart only to be surrounded by a vast light, a light that he had discovered to be just as vast as his darkness. Vanitas had never managed to forget that feeling.

A shadow cast onto the ground, surrounded by light, is not threatened when it is held in the grasp of such an even light. It is contained, cradled in warmth, all thoughts of spreading and infection forgotten in the sheer comfort of feeling whole. Surrounded by that sensation, Vanitas wouldn’t have minded an eternity entwined with that boy.

Then, Kairi’s light intensifies, and all is burning and pain. He halts in his approach, faltering and shaking as he tries to keep himself from getting overwhelmed. He’d been almost under her feet, but now he flees backward away from her. It’s not enough.

Vanitas snarls like an animal as he rips himself from the ground, unable to find any refuge from the princess’ light. He raises his hand in front of his face protectively, pupils contracting into narrow slits behind his helmet. Parts of it began to crack, the darkness that clothed him partially eaten away by the display. His bodysuit is eaten away around his shoulders, revealing pale skin that harshly contrasts the darkness he wears.

He'd been almost to her, and now he kneels there on the grass before her, his Keyblade at his side. He’s vulnerable, but he won’t be for long enough. Both his heart and body ache at the reminder Kairi had given him and his pain sharpens his focus.

This wasn’t even close to being enough to stop him. The cracks repair themselves as Kairi’s display of power fades. He’s lucky his helmet is so dark; it keeps his eyes from being blinded.

He lowers his arm and readies his blade again, raising it up with the tip angled downward.

There’s something beautiful about having this fight here, in the Land of Departure. He’d always imagined what it would be like if he’d gotten to come here instead of Ventus. It would have never been permitted, of course. Only Xehanort knew how to turn Vanitas’ pain into power. Eraqus would have eliminated him as soon as he discovered what he was.

Logically, Vanitas had no other place than at the side of his creator, no matter how much Vanitas might have hated him. Logic, however, is a poor substitute for emotion. Just being back here, seeing this beautiful world that is so unlike the empty graveyard he grew up in, just kindles the edges of Vanitas’ envy.

He’s glad he’d decided not to sightsee before picking this fight with Kairi. It would all just be a reminder of what he didn’t have.

“It’s gonna take more than a little light show to stop me, Your Highness.” Vanitas sneers at her, darkness enveloping the parts of his suit that had been eaten away, settling in, and repairing it faster than it takes to blink. “Why don’t I show you a trick of my own?”

The darkness he’d summoned quickly grows, wrapping around him, and he disappears from the girl’s sight. He’s a thousand particles rushing through the air, recreating himself behind the princess faster than she can breathe. Void Gear is already raised aloft by the time he reconfigures himself, and gravity begins to apply again.

“Too slow.”

He lets himself fall, swinging his arms down to let the weight of Void Gear slam down toward Kairi’s unprotected back. Particles of ice concentrate around the tip of his Keyblade, and a spear of ice shoots up from the ground as soon as his blade slams into it.

☄. *. ⋆ ┈┈┈ Kairi isn't entirely sure what she was expecting--maybe a nice long, meandering speech about darkness and its woes just like Xehanort especially loved--but this boy doesn't even pause at Destiny's Embrace shining into her grip--

She had the silly thought there'd be some sort of clue that he'd rush at her like this--his dark Keyblade clashing so horribly with her own, sparks of light and shadow bursting around them the moment of contact, showering over them in an insidiously pretty way--that there'd be some blatant clue to his next action and that's how Sora and Riku were able to so easily sweep away their enemies--

But there's none of that... in fact, it's like she's fighting against a powerful demigod that's throwing a tantrum and it's terrifying and unnerving, he's strong enough that her legs are burning from pushing all her weight into their interlocked blades, just so he doesn't crush her with his darkness all at once--

And she can't predict anything, because she doesn't think she can match his rage or pain.

The way he pours so much effort and hate into their battle despite hardly knowing her should be telling--yet it takes everything in Kairi to simply focus on standing and to not be swept away entirely by the hopeless gulf of experience between them, so she can't figure out why he's here and why she's being punished for something she doesn't know she did.

It's really unfair, she thinks with shockingly watery eyes as she becomes aware of the darkness writhing around the boy's fingers now--this is the sign she'd been looking for before, the telling clue that he's going to strike her hard and she should be getting ready for it--

(But she's fought very few on this nameless boy's level--Xehanort and Xemnas had made quick work of her graceful flailing when she tried before--Xehanort had even killed her by wrenching her away from her friends as easily as a doll pried out of a child's clenched fingers, so when her helmeted assailant bounces away she has no idea what he's capable of...)

The moment he flings himself back, she's left standing there among the silvery grass more than helplessly--trying so hard just to figure out what's coming next, she can't even imagine what she should be doing now....

Then he screams at her as he lashes out a fiery spell composed of shadow and crackling heat both, "Show me what makes you worth this!"

( What makes me worth this...? But I don't even know you!!! )

She doesn't have time to reply to his cry--that roaring fireball is going to reach her in seconds and he's oozed into the grass, seemingly gone all at once--

( Where did he go?! Where did he go?! )

She's panicking, she's aware of this--though she finds this breathless fear sharpens everything around her suddenly, the grass is abruptly crisp and made of a thousand shades of gray, the fireball is slowing in her mind's eye--and she doesn't know it, but this is adrenaline pure and intoxicating... she hasn't felt it pulse through her this powerfully before, because maybe she's aware this time no one is coming to save her.

If she can't save herself this time... it's game over. She knows that... so she has to at least try to fight!!

She throws herself out of the dark spell's way, a bit like she learned in school during all those (what she had once thought) silly little fire drills--

Whenever the fire marshals came to her elementary back then, they always told her and all her classmates STOP DROP AND ROLL and though she thankfully isn't burned by the whizzing flames, she finds the advice is helpful now--even if it forces her to stumble up clumsily, at least she got out of the way.

And then, without looking back, she's running hard, each frenzied footfall slapping the grass with enough force to crush it completely--and she hurries around their arena, skirting the edge of the hill as she scopes out the area--she knows he isn't gone entirely, that'd be way too easy...!

( He disappeared into the ground, like the Heartless do... like those Shadow Heartless do... )

Finally, she gets an idea--maybe she can do more than just react and run, maybe she can draw him out!

She bites her bottom lip nervously, yet even so she pushes on--darting quickly and gripping Destiny's Embrace too hard, then she strikes out the golden blade to her side and takes a deep, rattling breath--

"I'm not afraid of the dark--can you say the same about the Light?!" Kairi cries out suddenly--

She whips around--like an abrupt turn spun out by a dancer, like she learned to do when she was little and her parents signed her up for ballet classes that she hated, because she couldn't play with Sora and Riku as much as she used to and, despite quitting those lessons after a year, she's jarringly graceful in the way she twirls and settles quickly--

( How weird--it's not my lessons with Master Aqua or the training I worked on with Lea that's helping me now... it's my memories! )

Destiny's Embrace starts glowing brightly, encased in the same fiery Light from her heart and she flings its tip at the ground, buries the blade deeply into the grass and dirt and it sinks as if its clasping into a lock--she impossibly spins the elegant handle of her Keyblade and there's a distinct TICK, as if she's about to open a surreal, bright door they can't see--

"I'm not letting you hide from me anymore!!" She screams--

Light BURSTS from her Keyblade planted in the ground--the arena had been just a simple hill speckled with gleaming grass and wildflowers, but now the Light devours all of that... and, yes, the Light does burn and not in a soothing way either...

Kairi is starting to learn--albeit slowly and with great hesitation--the Light can heal, it can breathe hope into the darkest souls... but if it isn't treated kindly and if it isn't respected for all its splendor, then it will readily and without mercy turn its bright whimsy into something angry and scorching and white-hot, something that isn't as easy to carry as love and belief...

Kairi rips out her Keyblade, looking around for her newest enemy among the glittering battlefield they now clash over... the grass is beneath all this Light, like all the natural bits of this hill are now lost to them under a glassy sheen, and it becomes clear to Kairi she might never get to see shooting stars again... not if she can't find a way out of this quickly.

She's getting the sinking feeling summoning forth a wave of Light like this is a bit like poking at a raging, imposing bear and she's still just a little girl at the end of this...

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads // twitter thread

Court of the Undying Seasons

NA high fantasy

demigirl volunteers to be taken by the vampires instead of her friend intending to kill them for revenge, but quickly learns that’ll be impossible unless she becomes one

she has to get through her training to become a vampire or live as a human thrall, and quickly gets swept up in their world - and discovers a string of murders that could have dire consequences for them all

[marquisegallery]

So, according to something found during the recent Teraleak, there was apparently going to be a Flying type evolution for Eevee. But then they scrapped it because they thought it would be too similar to a fan design for the same idea. That got me thinking about what a potential Flying Eeveelution would look like.

Of course, plenty of other people have made their own designs for the same idea. A couple of people actually make its ears into wings (such as this neat design by @elbdot !!).

I don't think I've seen anyone make its wings actually fold so that it can look like regular ears too. So that's what I'm going for with this design I drew!

I can't really think of good names for it right now, so for the time being I'm gonna called this Eeveon. Which is the name most people go with for a potential Normal evolution for Eevee too. In this case I'm intending this Eeveon to be a dual Normal/Flying type! Especially since I think at this point there's probably a better chance of us getting more Eeveelutions of the other types besides just Normal and just Flying.

Also since pure Flying types seem like they're meant to be very sparingly used for Pokemon, with the only one for the longest time being the legendary Tornadus. And before that, Flying was always at least paired with Normal for a lot of Pokemon.

(tbqh the fact that the non-legendary/non-mythical/etc. Rookidee and Corvisquire are also pure Flying annoys me way more than it probably should, but I digress, lmao...)

Anyways, let me know what you think of this! :>

[mulderscully]

so weird how everytime nick starts trending i see posts about how he's a bad friend to taylor, him and taylor had a falling out, he doesn't care abt rwrb anymore. whatever.

you don't know these men! you know nothing about their lives, their friendship, or their feelings. you don't know if nick is ignoring taylor bc you don't know if they text or talk or call. you don't know. and tbqh why does it even matter? say they aren't friends anymore, which would be weird for tpz to still be liking nick's posts if it were true, pray tell; how would that affect you? it shouldn't. the only thing that could POSSIBLY affect is a sequel, and let me remind you— they are actors. if they wanna make a sequel they will, if they don't we don't get one. that's it.

but what perplexes me the most about this is how the rwrb fandom in part seems to somehow not grasped the message of the book/movie at all. immediately after the movie was released people we're intensely invasive to nick and taylor, so does it really suprise you that they drew back on their social media interaction? is it not pretty obvious to you that nick probably has a social media manager running his instagram now?

do you not see that the reason nick has "moved on." from rwrb is because he has other projects to promote while taylor, for what should be clear reasons, does not yet?

i don't understand the parasocial relationship y'all have with them when the entire foundation of rwrb is that the general public do not have the right to know anything that people in the public eye don't share and no one owes the fandom friendship or attention or anything at all other than a job well done, which we got and if we get more of it then hell yeah and if not we keep posting abt firstprince anyway. it's not that deep 😭

[neptune-knows]

school LI yan headcanons <3

focusing on m! whitney, sydney, and robin specifically -- also by no means exhaustive just some stuff off the top of my head feel free to share yours as well id love to hear them!!!

WHITNEY

#1 most likely to straight up kill someone for looking at you funny (or at all tbqh)

always marking you in one way or another, whether biting you or leaving hickeys or cumming inside you whenever you do it

not much changes from how he is in game to be honest, still wanting to tattoo you to show his property, or making you wear a collar with his name on it

when its just the two of you, he shows his soft side a lot more frequently

his hands pretty much never leave your person. hes always playing with your hair, holding your hand, groping your chest, playing with your genitals

his cute little stress ball <3

really really likes seeing you wear his clothes because its another way to show that your his

also loves seeing you in his bed, even non sexually (shocking, i know) because you are surrounded by his scent

i saw someone say it before and they were 100% right he has a scent kink and he will mark you with his scent if its the last thing he does

you get messed with a LOT less because word travels fast about the rabid dog that attacks anyone who looks at you funny

scary boyfriend privileges? scary boyfriend privileges.

gets conflicted because he loves fucking you in public and showing everyone that your his slut, he also wants to gauge the eyes out of anyone who sees you naked

SYDNEY

you are his everything, his love, his angel

devotion levels that border on worship

sydney will do whatever he can to prevent you from being tainted by the sinners of this town

i think he'd spread rumors about people who get to close to you, and do everything he could to ruin their reputations by abusing his positions at the school and temple

someone bullying you in the halls? it would be a shame if the teachers heard about their delinquency (which may or may not be exaggerated)

he overhears a classmate talk about a crush they have on you? sydney "accidently" mentions all the nasty things he overheard that person say while renewing their friend's books at the library

sydney sees an initiate getting a little too close to you at the temple? he might bring up his concerns about their purity and dedication to the faith to jordan the next time he sees them

only god can save anyone that messes with you at the temple when he's also there

"Belief won't matter, because I'll attack you for real."

he's also very aware of how kylar feels about you, even if he doesn't tell you he does

loves to rub it in and kiss you in front of him

showing kylar who you actually belong to

this is probably an unpopular opinion, but i think hes also not above resorting to violence when it comes to the people around you

definitely not on the level that whitney is willing to go to, and also not as obvious about it, but is more than willing to hurt anyone that touches you

seriously, the library rescue scene? when someone tries to harass you at the church? sydney is by no means passive about his devotion to protecting you

ROBIN

probably the most covert his yandere tendencies

your cute childhood friend who wants nothing but the best for you

he's so so sweet about it, he's just looking out for you, after all!!!

robin is very patient and willing to play the long game because he knows that you will always come back to him at the end of things

to him, its the two of you against the entire world

also sabotaging your relationships and happiness outside of him behind the scenes

always offering a shoulder to cry on when you get ghosted "out of nowhere" or when your school project vanishes mysteriously and you fail because of it

robin hates seeing you upset, but you shouldnt be getting joy from anything but him

he is also not above hurting himself so that you will take care of him and thus stay with him

on cloud nine when you dote on him and take care of his wounds

adding on to that, wants to take care of you more than anything else

his dream is one day being able to make enough to support the both of you so you can stay inside all day and be safe from the outside world <3

robin loves to do stuff for you, loves cooking and making you treats

he definitely isn't putting his bodily fluids into any of it!!!

... okay, maybe in some of it...

most of it

also steals your (dirty and clean) laundry like kylar

whoops!! he mustve gotten your laundry messed up!! sorry!! it will happen again

i might make a part 2 with either more hcs of these guys or of the other love interests if you guys liked this one <3

[catboybiologist]

I'm trans! Here's a way-too-long ramble on my internal thoughts on that!

My other posts on this:

https://www.tumblr.com/catboybiologist/725852054829023232/im-going-to-document-some-things-about-my?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/catboybiologist/725851397783011328/the-short-answer-is-no-but-im-gonna-have-a?source=share

So yay I’m trans! Which like, is neither unexpected nor abnormal for the community I’ve fostered here, so I’m guessing most of y’all’s reactions is just a “hey cool”. But, you see the online side of me, not the irl side, so there’s still a lot of thoughts to sort out on my end. So I’m dumping a lot of thoughts here to sort all that out. And hoooly shit, it got very long, and I still feel like I have more to say… but yeah. If you wanna hear some perspectives on my relation to gender, transness, and femboy culture, read on!

I guess the best way I can think to style this is as an interview with an imaginary third person, sooo…. Bold text is questions I can imagine people having LOL

So what’s my own personal relationship with the term femboy, catboy, and gendered terminology in general? Is the name of your accounts gonna change?

Short answer, no. I like the name CatboyBiologist. “Catboy” itself is a term that is completely untethered from gender at this point to me. Tbqh, the “cat” part feels more wrong than the boy part- as time goes on, I’ve generally ditched the cat ears for most of my outfits as I take them a bit more seriously. Maybe that’ll change when my transition actually starts, but for now, CatboyBiologist stays, and the femboy related language stays in all of my own past posts (keyword, past- more on that in a bit).

I’m not gonna be updating my approach to pronouns. Any pronouns do just fine, I’m sending a vibe into the world and pronouns are my feedback as to what other people interpret that vibe is. Default to they/them if you don’t know what to do with that.

I will be updating my pinned post to link all of these posts, but mostly copy/paste the information from before. That might take a moment cuz I’m lazy, tbh.

And let’s get something else out of the way.

I’m not socially transitioning yet, and probably won’t for a while.

Which, I think leads to a lot of follow up:

Well, why not?

I present fully male and masculine on a day to day basis, and look the part too. Part of it is just this looks insecurity. The mask stays on in my pictures for a reason. Beyond just facial hair (which grows aggressively on me and always shows some shadow), my face looks pretty masculine overall. It takes time to look the way I do in my posts. I wanna give my face and body some time to change so I can look more femme in more casual ways before I present it to the world.

Beyond that, I’m also just worried about being “accepted” as femme straight off the bat. Implicitly, I know this will be easier if I already have some small amounts of physical feminization down my belt.

There’s two main environments that worry me: family, and professionally. Family is a weird hot mess grey area that is too personal to talk about here, but the professional atmosphere is certainly going to be a bit… weird. I live in an accepting geographic region, and around people who are very outspokenly trans supportive…. But most of whom are cishet and simply don’t have a lot of experience seeing or working around trans people. I’m more afraid of being seen as “trans first, biologist second” as far as my career is concerned, than I am about outright transphobia. I know this will never fully go away, and given that I’m 6’2”, I’ll probably never “fully” pass- but I’d at least like people to implicitly read my as femme on a gut level before I start changing how I present that way. One thing my irl femboy experience has shown me is that, even if people can “clock” you intellectually, the way their gut instinct reads you affects whether they treat you as masc or femme. I hope that makes sense on some level. Of course its always going to be an awkward shift, but I hope some time on HRT will make it less awkward.

I’ve come out to one person that doesn’t know about this online persona, or the depths of my queerness. They straight up told me they were shocked. They were incredibly supportive, but they told me they didn’t see it coming at all. And they already knew that I “crossdressed occasionally”. So that’s kinda what I’m working with here.

Essentially, I’m not actually truly “transitioning” in a real sense yet. More than that, I feel like I’m getting the ball rolling. If there’s anything I learned in my research, it’s that HRT takes a while, much longer than anyone expects (suppressing my rant about how the media cherrypicks people in early transition for trans representation and the effect that has on public perception). Two years is often cited as the “end” point, but based on both scientific and anecdotal accounts, that is wildly untrue and variable. I also know that the first changes onset quickly (skin and mood, most notably), but that overall body shape changes sometimes take a VERY long time to start and progress. So to be quite honest, I barely feel like I’m transitioning yet, I’m just laying groundwork for the future.

So yeah. I’m gonna be boymoding for a bit. Possibly a year or more. Even for the people who know, I’ve still asked them to address me as he/him or they/them, and use my masculine name for now (haven’t even really decided on a femme name yet, although I have ideas [open to suggestions as well]).

Wait, so why address it online at all?

Put simply, honesty. I’m displaying a lot of selfies and experimentation with my look here, and I want to make it abundantly clear what I’m doing to have an effect on that. People have asked me if I’m on HRT in comments before, and like, I’m not gonna lie about that. Might as well also make a shitpost, a data gathering post, and a too-long ramble about it as well (which you’re reading now!).

There are a LOT of body image issues in femboy spaces (and trans spaces too!), often among very young people. While I have no issue with people on HRT continuing to call themselves a femboy (more on that in a bit), I do think transparency on that matter is helpful for those body image issues.

So to make it abundantly clear: all of my selfies and pictures that I’m labeling and tagging as “femboy” are pre-HRT. In the future, everything I tag with “trans” is post-HRT. I still got 1-2 weeks before actually starting, and I’m still going to use the femboy tag for any outfits I post during that time. The moment an estradiol pill hits my mouth, though, new pics will use trans tags.

Posts that relate to discussion of the interplay of the communities, and how I view myself within them, I’ll tag with both.

Which leads to another follow up question. This one isn’t about me specifically, but it’s my hot take about a certain brand of trans discourse I’ve seen around (mostly on reddit tbh):

Why would someone who knows they’re mtf trans willingly call themselves a femboy and/or request people to “misgender” them?

So this is actually gonna be striking a nerve with me, and I know I’m gonna kinda be strawmanning here by arguing against the ghost of reddit comments past. I’m not gonna try to dig any of them up in the internet archive, but they are sentiments I’ve seen multiple times.

I’ve seen this question almost word for word in the comments of trans subreddits multiple times. Imma be blunt, and it’s maybe gonna sound a little mean. If this thought is going through your head, you’re likely way more sensitive and particular about labels than most people. And that’s okay! Ask people to address you how you want, you deserve that respect! But the real answer to this question is that many people simply don’t mind being called whatever label is most useful or familiar to themselves in various contexts.

The moment that it becomes completely unacceptable is when someone does actually change their pronouns, name, presentation, etc, and people still address them as “male” or “femboy”. That is completely the fuck out of line, and if you don’t agree, fuck off.

Why does this strike a little bit of a nerve with me? Well, the “conclusion” I saw reached in these trans spaces multiple times when the subject was brought up was annoying as hell. That conclusion was that the only or primary reason that people labeled themselves a femboy, even while on HRT… was to sell their onlyfans. My fucking god, seriously? This is just conservative rhetoric. Luckily, on tumblr, it seems that people are a lot more accepting towards people using whatever language they like to describe themselves, which I’ve enjoyed a lot.

I’ve also had a lot of hate towards “fencesitting” directed at me on reddit, from trans people, for calling myself a femboy. I can’t remember it verbatim, but I very distinctly recall getting a DM that went something like “I fucking hate femboys, just transition already. You’re making us (transfemmes) look bad.” So yeah. Bit of a sore spot.

Yadda yadda yadda the personal journey shit

If I can be real for a moment…. In an ideal world, I would still want to be a part time femboy. Even moreso than the sheer utility of it all (eg, enjoy cis male privilege when I want, but still get treated more femme in certain contexts), it feels almost more profound to fuck with gender norms without sitting on one side of the gender line or another. But I can’t really ignore what I’ve described as my “mental resting state”- a baseline crackle of dysphoria that fills the space in my head when there’s nothing else to fill it. It’s easily distracted, but its always there, and I can’t imagine living my life that way anymore.

I’ve pretty much known I was trans since I was about 12, and had a realization that puberty was just starting to hit me, and I hated it. I suppressed it deeply, for many, many reasons that I don’t think I want to share here. But it made a lot of other mental health struggles in my life a lot worse, even if I didn’t consciously acknowledge that’s what was happening. By the time I was willing to consciously acknowledge it, I realized that my dysphoria wasn’t so bad as to dive in right away. But, I made moves to stabilize my life overall, which have been massively beneficial to me in other ways as well.

During the pandemic, I found myself living alone for the first time ever. So during the pandemic, in one last ditch effort to try to convince myself I wasn’t trans, I delved into femboy aesthetics to try and “just be a feminine man”.

That failed.

So yeah, here I am. I have a wonderful queer community both irl and online, a meagre but stable income, health insurance that has great coverage for trans care, and accepting people around me in my life. It’s long overdue. Maybe I’ll beat myself up for waiting so long and masculinizing so much as a result, but I don’t think I really could have done it any other way.

This all said, I don’t actually really consider myself a woman yet. I’m sure many of you are aware of two different ways transfemmes view themselves(and trans people in general, but using a transfemme perspective here):

-Some view themselves as having always been girls or women, but took some time to realize it and make their body more comfortable for themselves with that information.

-Others view themselves as boys or men who made efforts to become women later.

I fall strongly in the second line of thinking for myself. For my own personal experiences, even though I have felt dysphoria for a long time, I don’t really think I’m “actually” a woman yet. I don’t know what my identity as a woman looks like yet. But I deeply want to discover and create who that person is, and there’s no way to do that without transitioning.

B but… BASIC BIOLOGY!!!!!

How many biology degrees do you have? I got a BS and an MS, and I’m working on my PhD. I’m sure you’ve brought a similar level of expertise to this discussion.

But seriously, I could genuinely write an entire fucking essay about how studying biology has influenced my views on this subject, but honestly, that’s an entirely different topic. But tl;dr is that bioessentialism is brainrot, and if someone tries to use essentialist language to “justify” someone’s transness (or gender in general)… well, I think they’re wrong. Plain and simple. We don’t say someone isn’t “really able to see” if they put glasses in front of their eyes.

I’m stopping myself before I write more here, because this warrants another post or even a fucking video essay, to be quite honest. But yeah. Biology based.

Conclusion?

Uhhhh… in conclusion, I’m not particular about language or pronouns you use for me, I’m making posts about it anyways to ensure honesty associated with my selfies, if you’re transphobic jump of the tallest bridge you can find. I think that about covers it.

[lemonhemlock]

I don’t have a problem with sex or nudity in media, and tbqh I think HOTD could benefit from some more of at least the first one 😭 But I keep coming back to the Aemond brothel scenes and I’m just confused. What do these achieve? Not that every scene needs to further the plot, I think it is fine to show dick if you want to show your dick! But both of these scenes do nothing for a character who already gets little time this season. Is it just to get him out of the way for B&C? He could have been literally anywhere, it’s not his job to hang in his room or with Helaena and her kids. Just for Aegon to make fun of him? There’s already a stronger setup there in him being blamed for Jaehaerys’s death in the first place, which somehow never happens and no one thinks to question where he was when the heir to the throne was killed in his place. It doesn’t even seem to be that we need to see Aemond particularly vulnerable, because the closest we get is his final scene with Helaena. So ? 🤷‍♀️

i think they're meant to very heavy-handedly imply that aemond is 1. a hypocrite (bc he also visits whores hahahahaha), 2. isolated from his family (bc he confesses some things to madam sylvi that he is not shown to talk about with his family) and 3. yes, provide a set-up so that aegon can make him of his choice of partner and, consequently, sexually humiliates him in the process.

i don't agree with this and found the scene very milquetoast. also no one made aemond storm out of there dick-out. it seems to me that, as far as social awkwardness goes, fully exposing yourself to many people would be worse than being discovered by a handful in a compromising situation. and where are his clothes? did he not undress in the same room with the madam? where is he going to get new clothes? is he just walking out the streets of king's landing butt naked? it's just dumb. logistically. who wrote this? david hancock, i am in ur walls.

the bare bones ideas are there, they're just executed in the most basic and boring way possible, simultaneously completely ignoring the main source of strife in the family: jaehaerys. why? because focusing too much attention on jaehaerys would make rhaenyra look bad. since it was an act done in her name and she refuses to punish the perpetrator (daemon). otherwise they can't have rhaenyra shamelessly berate alicent in the finale that she has to allow her to execute aegon because "a son for a son". if b&c isn't such a huge deal, then it doesn't count.

[familyabolisher]

Apologies for bringing up a topic you've already discussed at length, but I've read through your posts on "anti-intellectualism" and completely agree with you on all counts. But I'm just now curious about how you'd define the increased culture of outright rejection of critical analysis (vague though the term is) as opposed to simple disinterest. Situations like people dismissing any deep analysis of systems, media, texts etc with "It's not that deep", or hostility towards fuller and in depth responses to statements (especially on social media with the ever prevalent "not reading that"), with the result often times being that anything requiring slight effort to engage with, or that isn't entertaining is dismissed completely.

Although I understand that these are just peoples reactions on the internet, and not systemic or material issues, I'd love to know your thoughts on how that cultural behaviour and trend could be classed, if not as anti-intellectualism.

(there are obviously a huge amount of external reasons (the attention economy, media, education etc) for people to react in that way, so I'm not blaming people personally, nor do I think everyone needs to go read Hegel and become a master critical thinker, but I do think it is a trend that has some damaging effects, especially as a response to any criticism of capitalism)

talked a little about it here—i guess i would ask what you're actually seeking to accomplish with the word "define," because there's no one explanation that can neatly account for every individual rejection of the practice of critical reading, and nor should we be seeking to find one. certainly 'anti-intellectualism' doesn't cut it, so i would just reiterate the point i made in the initial piece—how people feel about critical analysis, what their base skill level in critical analysis actually is, how that skill level is articulated, what their relationship is to the work or works in question & the respect with which they are willing to treat it are all highly contingent questions which cannot be easily explained away but instead merit thorough materialist investigation. ultimately as marxists we have to be materialists; our investigations should seek these material explanations, which means interrogating normative epistemes, education & academia, how we define "literacy" & its social use + social distribution, who benefits and who winds up disadvantaged. the "anti-intellectualism" position is broad enough to be near enough useless when it comes to articulating actionable responses; i also find it cruel.

also tbqh whilst i do get impatient when people don't "want" to engage with challenging narratives in ways that i find intellectually stimulating and would rather watch marvel film #47384 or whatever, i think it's good to take a policy of, like, blocking and moving on, curating your feed, and remembering that you don't + shouldn't have access to that person's relationship to the media landscape and the sorts of analytical tools that they may well only ever have encountered in a hostile educational setting, as well as working towards showing that engagement with "difficult" works is a) possible and b) fun and worthwhile. often people's reluctance to engage with works that have a (perceived) higher entry barrier (however ethically questionable that perception might be) simply comes from the fact that they lack/believe themselves to lack the right tools for engagement, and don't want to be made to feel "stupid" by not "getting" it—they preemptively go on the 'let people enjoy things'-esque defensive to counter this. the more candidly we talk about critical practices & the more digital airtime we give to less "mainstream" work, and the more space we give people to not understand things/to ask questions/to communicate and share ideas rather than participating in the big pissing contest of who can be the most Media Literate, the closer we get to resolving these sorts of tensions, imo.

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

I have mostly only seen Baghra hate in Darkling apologia circles so this makes me curious. What is your overall opinion of Baghra? Especially her morality.

I like Baghra! I think she’s a really interesting character that just isn’t fleshed out very much and suffers for it. I think book one specifically just feels like LB wasn’t really thinking about her as a character as opposed to a plot device.

My general interpretation of her is that she’s probably supremely depressed by TGT era, given how inactive she is. And I mean she literally kills herself in R&R. There seems to be a huge discrepancy between the values she raised Aleksander with and what she believes in the present. I suspect the shadow fold may have something to do with that? Or again just depression. We don’t know why she stopped using her own power aside from the vague implication that it’s to protect her son’s identity, but I think it ends up painting a larger picture of someone who’s just lost interest in everything. And we do see a hint of what an entirely different person she was in the Demon in the Wood era.

I don’t have particular opinions on her morality tbqh. She seems like she never really got past the formative experience of being neglected by her father and hated by her mother and then everything that happened with her sister. Like no shit she’s not particularly emotionally well adjusted.

She seems to have had a child more out of a desire for companionship than like any particular maternal instinct. There’s mention of her trying to have thee most powerful kid ever but I suspect it’s more because she wanted to ensure immortality again more for companion ship rather than actually caring about the power itself. And with their isolated fear filled lifestyle early on, like even if she *was* the most competent parent ever (which. we have established that she was not) you wouldn’t have gotten the best results.

I feel like Darkling stans do act insane about her. Like I remember seeing conversations about aww poor Aleksander he must have felt so betrayed when Alina sided with his *abuser.* Like fuck off sjfhf it’s obviously a way more complicated dynamic than that. And I’d argue that multiple centuries in, there actually isn’t a power differential between them anymore.

But it seems like the boundaries were bad! That she almost definitely set him up for his megalomaniacal tendencies! And also that she imparted her own fears of vulnerability to him. Like I do think that with her own history of being so neglected she overcompensated by raising her son to the idea that he’s above all reproach (but her own lol) and that other people’s lives simply do not have as much worth. (The same kind of elevation and isolation that he tries to pull with Alina)

So yeah idk I think the fact that Aleksander is such a piece of work falls directly at her feet but also like. it’s understandable?

[wyverningx]

people on The Internet Dot Com keep being absolute idiots about thea muldani so here is your reminder that she's a ravens success story — she grew up in an environment where she was asked to give her all and engage in incredibly unhealthy practices, but the result of such sacrifice was that she was rewarded for it with US court and a pro team. she was part of a cult and "left" in the sense of gaining physical distance, but all of her experiences reaffirmed that the toxic ravens environment was the most effective way to a successful exy career. it is fucked up that she believes others should go through the same thing in order to be "worthy" or "good enough," but i simply do not understand why so many people look at her and think that she should be crucified for being a representation of a finished, successful raven. especially not if she's unable to recognize abuse in others, which tbqh is something that is very common in cult-like settings. you don't want to look something-that-could-very-well-be-abuse-happening-to-others in the eye, because if they're being abused, then you could potentially be being abused, too, and what do you do with that? do you have any idea how hard it is to come to terms with that reality, especially when you are told day in and day out that this is the only way to get to the top? that this is how you make it in the sport? that someone who is being harmed by the coach or the team captain absolutely deserved it? that people who can't hack it are weak, but you're not weak, you're one of the best, you'll do whatever it takes?

is it extremely shitty that she blames jean for his own sexual assault? absolutely, yes. but she doesn't have the whole picture, and it's clear that jean intentionally deceives her (with the comment about him being fragile/clumsy, etc.) and lets her believe he had more agency in his sexual experiences than he truly did because it's a coping mechanism that also serves the purpose of letting her fill in blanks so he does not have to explicitly tell a lie. besides, if there is any singular raven that both kevin and jean view fondly, wouldn't they want her to believe whatever it took so that she didn't ask too many questions? wouldn't they both want her far removed from the reality of the moriyamas and human trafficking, because her uncovering the truth would put her entire life at risk?

people can have friends that are imperfect or do not understand them completely or that fuck things up sometimes. i get that jean's experiences put people on-guard when it comes to how he interacts with other characters, but god damn. she was his mentor. she taught him everything he knows about being a backliner. she made horrible and judgmental assumptions about his experiences. all of those things can be true at the same time. does she not deserve the opportunity to change upon receiving new information? does she not deserve the ability to take a step back, as ravens are dropping like flies and all eyes are on evermore and the perfect court, to consider that maybe she was a victim in all of this, too? that plenty of people are capable of making it to the top without calling another human being the master and turning a blind eye to the king beating his own men? that maybe kevin and jean and all of them were terribly wronged? why is she the only person in this series who's not allowed to grow as a person by developing a more nuanced understanding of rape and sexual assault and learning how to be a better friend to someone who had no choice?

also someone tried to "gotcha" me by saying thea and jean aren't friends because she uhhhh (checks notes) calls him a teasing nickname and says "i'm going to break your ribs" as though threatening your friends (especially ones you play a contact, violent sport with) is the worst possible offense ever in the same book series that people regularly ACTUALLY fistfight each other and pull knives on one another. i'd argue that these are actually huge indicators that they do like each other, because she's probably one of the only people in the world who he can express himself around and even say things like "i'm not from paris" exasperatedly. you know, like you do when people you care about tease or poke fun at you. those are actually probably some of the most normal interactions jean has pre-TSC, especially as she is not needlessly cruel to him like literally everyone else in the nest is. and not only is thea one of the only people who has any sort of comraderie with him and who makes the effort to see him after his injuries because she cares, but she also makes it past wymack and kevin and renee and neil guard-dogging him. does that seriously mean nothing? do you think renee fucking walker (who was ready to brawl on-sight at evermore) would have let someone like zane waltz into abby's house if kevin said a single negative word about him?

i have seen some incredibly wonderful and nuanced takes about most characters in AFTG, but at the same time, the way thea is treated and criticized in a more severe way than literal murderers in the series for her possibly-willful ignorance is utterly crazy to me.

idk. just some food for thought

[gaypolls]

Submission Guidelines/Disclaimers

First, things to keep in mind when you submit:

there is a limit of 12 answers for polls, and on this blog one of those answers will always be 'show results,' to allow for people that the poll doesn't apply to to see without skewing data. so in reality you have a maximum of 11.

there's also an 80-character limit on the options

SO, if you go over those limits, know that I will take it into my own hands to decide which answers to omit and/or how to re-word it to fit the limit.

even otherwise, expect that the wording of your submission may be slightly altered in order to be more inclusive (when it doesn't affect the data), or because i think you missed an option that you probably meant to include, or just to make it sound less clunky. if you have an issue with any changes upon posting, i'm happy to hear you out.

currently there is no wait time, but if things go as expected, soon enough it'll likely be about a 4-5 day wait between the time you submit and the time it gets posted

if your poll is addressing a very small group, don't be surprised or angry when the 'see results' poll is the biggest. that needs to be there to keep data from being skewed by anyone's curiosity.

Base Guidelines For Submitting:

poll must be related to gayness in some way. it doesn't have to be directed exclusively at gay people, but it should center same-gender attraction. if you have a poll in mind to direct specifically at bisexuals, there's @mspecpolls

it CAN be a general LGBT poll, but if it's specific to something that has nothing to do with gay attraction, you're better off submitting to another blog. there's @transgenderpolls for trans stuff and @aspecpolls for ace/aro stuff.

it CAN be directed at a specific type of gay person, such as gay men, lesbians, specifically trans lesbians, nonbinary mlm, gay poc, disabled wlw, etc - literally you can address any specific gay group you want, just make sure to say so.

...this DOES include 'cis gay men/women/people' but tbqh you're gonna have to provide a good reason to be excluding trans people from the poll

in general if you want to explicitly exclude people who have a nonconforming relationship with gender, you better explicitly say so AND have a good reason. otherwise it'll be assumed that all sorts are included and if your options don't reflect that, i will change them or reject the poll.

it CAN relate to sex (i expect many polls here will be), just try to be tasteful about it. like, as long as it sounds like you're trying to collect data rather than arouse people lol

What would make me NOT post a submission:

as mentioned previously, if it's excluding subgroups without a good reason

if it's an opinion poll about the validity of any particular type of gay person. "validity" is a moot topic and i'm not going to encourage it, and in any case i'd like the focus of this blog to be about recording experiences (real, undeniable, forever in stone) rather than opinions (always changing, meaningless)

pride discourse polls, lol

anything that tries to pit issues against each other. no "which intercommunity issue is more important to you? ableism? racism?" like cmon

if it's just way too niche and would make a pointless poll. if a poll is "who's your favorite lgbt character" and then you've got 11 options from different TV shows, you gotta know that most of the ppl who see that poll will NOT have seen ALL those shows, so they'll really just be voting for the show that they know. it's just dumb.

if it's something like "gay people: do you like pineapple on pizza?" or some other question that doesn't actually have anything to do with being gay. if you wanna send something like this, make your case for why it's relevant that the poll is directed at gay people.

if it's some other obviously offensive shit, obviously. no racism or whatnot here.

FAQ:

Who counts as gay?

Like most of these guidelines I'll continue the same sentiment from the trans polls blog: We self-define here. But I will stress answering in good faith and understanding what any given poll is asking and what definitions they're using. If you're, say, nonbinary and bisexual in a way that makes all your attraction gay, or you're gay in a very specific way (like nb4nb), or you call yourself gay bc you're mostly gay but you're technically bisexual, or you're definitely homosexual but don't actually like to call yourself gay, etc, it'll likely just depend on the poll. It's totally up to you to decide if it includes you or not, or you can always ask if you want to be sure.

Though if it's not explicitly stated that the poll excludes transmasc lesbians or transfem gays, or other trans/nonbinary gay people, you should still for sure assume it includes you.

Why isn't there an option for X?/You missed an option.

Sometimes I may genuinely miss an option, but 9 times out of 10 the lack of the option is either due to the poll limits on tumblr, or because it goes against the point of the poll. For example, if the question begins with "If you're in a relationship," then "i'm not in a relationship" isn't going to be an option. If the prerequisite of the poll doesn't apply to you, then what you click is "see results." If it's something a little less concrete, polls will usually include some kind of "other" option anyway.

Can you make more polls for X type of gay person?

*I* make polls based off what I'm personally curious about. If you're curious about something, submit it!

Do you know that some people are gay in very unconventional ways that your polls aren't accounting for?

Yes, I know. When there's room on the poll, I try to be inclusive, but often there's not, and that's really the main thing there. However, I will admit that a secondary reason is that when a poll is addressing exclusively gay people, the fact that they're only attracted to one gender is relevant, regardless of whether or not it would still be gay of them to be attracted to more.

Can you get rid of the 'see results' button? Or can you not include it on this particular poll? I only want X people to respond. This poll is ONLY for X people.

If a poll is on this blog, it's for everyone, questioning and simply curious people included. It's also not going to stop curious people from clicking if there's no 'see results' button. It ensures that the data doesn't get skewed, and gathering data is what polls are for. It doesn't hurt you to see a big see results bar. The data is still there. If the bar does wind up obscuring more significant data, that means the poll was addressing too small of a group to begin with. And that's NOT the end of the world. This blog is far from the only place where you can get information about other gay people's experiences.

[decepti-thots]

i can see people discussing cohost as a possible tumblr alternative in the event the current shitshow continues to escalate, and as someone who lurks on cohost (lotta good game writer/crit folks went over there instead of bluesky after twitter tanked!) and has kept a keen eye on it since it began, i just want to offer some brief thoughts. not as a value judgement, just so people have a decent idea of what cohost actually like... is, and what pros and cons it has.

cohost is a tumblr-like experience which uses a very similar microblogging-and-reblog/share set-up, though it's a lot more 'static' than current tumblr is without e.g endless scroll on everything and scripts everywhere. (reminds me a lot of how tumblr was in 2010, tbh.) it has some things tumblr lacks (notably, its comment feature is much better) and lacks some things tumblr has.

it is run by a very small number of people. this is currently fine in terms of things like moderation, because cohost has a small userbase and has not attracted a general audience, but rather, mostly chill people in certain niches. however, in the event it has any kind of scaling-up of its userbase, they would need to drastically increase their moderation footprint, because right now it is skeleton.

related to that, being an ad-free site that is not funded by venture capital, their financials are... not amazingly stable tbqh! they have been very transparent about this quarter to quarter. they were bleeding money profusely until very recently. now, it has juuust about stabilized, though it is not "profitable" per se. cohost is a site that runs on a similar idea to dreamwidth; it strives to be a decently-sized site where a good chunk of its adult userbase voluntarily pay for monthly subscriptions to keep the site going, more out of a desire to support an independent platform than due to large feature bonuses that come from doing so (though there are additional features. small ones.). it is not, in short, a site designed to be used for free by 99% of its userbase like most social media; if any large migration took place to cohost by fandom, this would realistically only work for cohost if a decent chunk of us decided we would like to send them money each month to keep it going. (this can work; dreamwidth does it, and its skewing-older userbase does so. generally not at huge scale though.)

cohost is anti-metrics to a point that it is simply not a good choice for some people who are looking to use it as a way to grow a professional platform, because you functionally have no 'platform'. (great for folks like me; bad for folks using it as a freelance portfolio kinda gig, really.) it's much more a personal blogging site than a 'here is my Profile i use to get work!' deal tbh. (this is, to be fair, also kind of a reason tumblr has never been that great for this, but it's just sort of something artists etc have been observing.)

cohost is an interesting ongoing experiment, but one reason i have not moved there is it's currently in a very tenuous position. as a platform for specific fandoms forming up there, i think it's really promising, which is why i've kept my eye on it, but i think it's important to know it's not just a 1:1 tumblr replacement. no non-shitty platform is. as i said on my other blog talking about cohost yesterday, if you want an ad-free, algorithm free, no data-selling, no venture capital platform... you want a platform that requires people pay in at least decent quantities, which means you likely have a platform that will never match the scale of big centralized socmedia platforms which do exist as ad platforms backed by millions of dollars of investment.

[biracy]

abt your post abt bi women belonging in the wlw community just as much as lesbians : i was reading the replies and youre so right abt how ignorant people are abt what comphet really is. im a lesbian and like yea i think we would experience comphet in the most intense way since were not attracted to men in any level, but comphet isnt only abt that, its a symptom of the patriarchy forcing women to center men in their lives and hell even straight women experience comphet, let alone bi women. people just have thrown around the word comphet so much they dont even know the true meaning

I was actually gonna post abt this soon LMAO so yeah!! I think it's also a misunderstanding of what "heterosexuality" as a dominant social force is to say that lesbians who are not attracted to men can experience "comphet", but bisexual women who are attracted to men cannot experience it. "Heterosexuality" as it is defined by dominant social forces is not only "a relationship between a man and a woman" - it's almost always a relationship between a "masculine" man and a "feminine" woman, and quite often a relationship between a man and a woman that results in monogamous marriage and childbirth. When people write about comphet, they're not talking about how movies and TV and fairy tales and children's books and my parents and my teachers and my religion all came together and told me to want to fuck genderfucky bi guythings. There is a specific kind of man centered in the heterosexuality enforced onto women, and a specific kind of role that a woman is expected to take on in that heterosexuality. I think the idea that bi people (women especially) cannot experience "comphet" overlaps a lot with people who believe that all bisexual people have the capability to become "straight-passing" if they enter different-gender relationships, which is in and of itself based on, in my observances, the belief that "gay/lesbian culture" and "bisexual culture" are completely distinct and that bisexual people are in some way innately less capable of being gender-nonconforming (or as some Tumblr scholars will call it, "visibly queer"). Bisexual people often date each other, we're often trans and/or visibly gender-nonconforming, and that's not something that we can just turn off the minute we enter into a quote unquote "heterosexual relationship." I'm bisexual, I'm nonbinary and id as both a man and a woman (so I take part in all these "sapphic" conversations etc etc u know the drill), I'm weird and kinky and switchy, I'm polyamorous, right now I'm dating a cis butch bi girl and a trans + nonbinary pan guy. At this point in my life I have absolutely no interest in relationships with cishet men, I don't want to get monogamously married, I never want to have children. I have not performed heterosexuality any better than, idk, a "gold star lesbian" has, and I FEEL it, I'm given shit for it, every relative I have pressures me already about boyfriends and grandkids and whatever. I do think there are bisexual people sometimes who do conform more to Straight Society but a) I think there are an equal amount of gay guys and lesbians who conform to Straight Society tbqh and b) it doesn't cover the breadth of bisexual people who do exist and who do feel the pressure to conform to the mainstream, dominant social system of heterosexuality and who CANNOT conform to it any more than you, anon, probably can. So yeah TL;DR bi girls can definitely experience "comphet" lmao and people are probably gonna hate that I said that

[cyan-eyed-princet]

tagged by @constantwords

last song: Work is Easy, Life is Hard - The Wombats (look don't judge, their pop music goes surprisingly hard considering).

fav colour: I usually oscillate between blue or purple. I think today is more of a blue.

last book: unfinished, I was bought A Gremlin in the Works by @toenzy for Christmas. It's all about the history of Gremlin Graphics, a British games company during the 80s and 90s (they did last a bit longer but most of their recognisable titles are during these decades). Finished book is like years ago (doing a thesis babyyyyy), but it might genuinely be The Murderer's Ape, which is an excellent children's book. I'd recommend it to adults too. It's written from the perspective of an ape who's friend is wrongly convicted of murder and her subsequent adventures. There's something about the writing which really does make it feel like an ape has written it (without it relying on crass spelling/grammatical errors).

last movie: Predator or Die Hard probably, or maybe even Wallace and Gromit, Vengeance Most Foul. Christmas TV watching innit. We're going to go to Bristol on the 18th to watch a showing of Nosferatu with a live accompaniment by Stephen Horne, which I'm excited for. I love being able to see silent films with a proper accompaniment and I've not actually seen Nosferatu either!

last tv show: unfinished - Crá, which is an Irish crime drama almost entirely in the Gaelic language. It's interesting, I'm not a biiiig fan of the main character but it's still nice to watch something in Gaelic.

sweet/savory/spicy: Sweet.

relationship status: with @toenzy, we've been together almost 12 years now which is pretty neat.

last thing i searched: Checking on how you spell Gaelic for sure tbqh (I did not spell it correctly).

current obsession: I'm back on my League bullshit (don't @ me). I'll probably switch back to dota and other games soon enough, but currently it's scratching an itch and the games are mercifully short so I can sometimes do two in one break rather than play one dota game and be like 20 minutes over the amount of time I wanted to break for lmao. Season 2 of WoW might also grab me back, who knows.

looking forward to: I'm going away to a big meet up thing next weekend to see a load of dota people which should be good. I'm already deep in the anxiety about sparing these few days bc thesis needs more work, but I'm basically treating this as a birthday gift/break.

fav drink: it's still monster because I love sipping medicine, but I can't drink it any more because of how caffeine interferes with my ADHD meds. I drank a sugary coke last night and I'm still in regret.

song playing 24/7: there's too many to list here, but I feel like I can just write Kandy by Fever Ray. If you like queer techno, I'd very much recommend that song/entire album, it's a banger. The lead singer (Karin Dreijer) is non-binary, sings a lot about fucking women and in the video for this song is dressed in weird, old man drag and lap dances with themself in a different weird, old man drag. I will never stop trying to get people to listen to Fever Ray.

current fav character: In part, just because I'm writing so much about him, I think I have to select Alex Casey as played by Sam Lake (and voiced by James McCaffery) in Alan Wake II. The sheer level of meta play for this character alone is almost impossible to explain to those who don't know Max Payne or Alan Wake. Watching Sam Lake doing an entire musical number will never get old to me, and I'm so glad that he fulfilled essentially a lifelong dream in doing it (he wanted to from like 2012).

fun activity you would like to get into: Tbh, there's a lot of different things I'd love to start doing. Trying to find the energy to find one and keep doing it is real tough.

last video game: Technically it would be League, but discounting mobas and mmos, it'd be Tunic. I've heard incredible things about the game and I'm finding it a little tough to stick with atm, but I have a feeling that that is the point so I extra want to put in the effort. I also played Death's Door just before Tunic, which feels quite similar in a few ways and was very enjoyable. You play a little crow grim reaper. It felt a little short, but I've also not done some of the extra content as one of the few things I didn't enjoy about it was the lack of a map. I think it's also intended to be confusing and a sort of memory game (and possibly it might prevent people from realising that the maps are quite small in reality), but I'm not sure it was as successful.

last comic/graphic novel: Online is probably Ava's Demon, which is a beautiful comic that I'd recommend to most people but it does update only slowly so I've no idea if it'll actually be finished. IRL, I think it's either Electric Bones (gay robot space smut!) or possibly Black Hole (one of my favourite graphic novels written/illustrated by Charles Burns). It's a teen horror which is an analogy for STDs, where the teens who have sex start to develop horrifying mutations. It's surprisingly deep (where that explanation might make it sound quite surface level 'oooo sex = bad'), a fascinating read, and still relevant for teens today despite being written back in the 90s

tagging: @toenzy again hehe, @angelofsappho, and @anzozi-here. No pressure to actually do it! I'm mostly just thinking of some mutuals who enjoy my posts haha. If someone else following wants to do it, please feel free to consider this me tagging you in!

[cisthoughtcrime]

Hi you posted about getting your wisdom teeth taken out- just wondering if I could ask a couple questions, if not feel free 2 disregard. I am terrified of anesthesia, how out of it are you upon waking? Am I going to spill my worst thoughts and secrets? I went under recently for an IUD placement but the procedure only took about 15 minutes so it was a lower dose or however that works. I reacted fine then, I cried but I remember waking up in the recovery room and everything after that and I was conscious. Is it a more intense process for the wisdom tooth surgery? I'm not sure if I've worded everything correctly bc it's a confusing thing to ask about. I am more worried about the anesthesia than any part of the recovery.

hi! sure thing, more under the cut so this doesn't become a long post on everyone's dash

tbh this was my first experience with general anaesthesia since I was a little kid, so idk how representative my experience was in general. I'm also a bit of a tank when it comes to substance tolerance, so I might have shaken it off faster than someone lighter-weight. they gave me laughing gas and IV anesthesia, the slower kind that takes ~5minutes to knock you out totally rather than the "count down from 10" type. the laughing gas did absolutely nothing to me tbqh, but I remember the IV starting to kick in ~2min after they put it in and making some groggy reference to the couch scene in Get Out cuz it felt a bit like sinking (into a pillow, not into a freaky void lol). My memory after that starts in the recovery room with the feeling like I had just lost my train of thought and like I had just been talking in a different place (I had tbh, but I still don't remember it). I definitely wouldn't describe it as "intense". I was a tiny bit disoriented, but I knew where I was and why I was there. At the time, I thought I was lucid and speaking like I was sober and the only reason it sounded goofy was the gauze in my mouth, but I was just kind of saying some goofy incoherent stuff. Really the worst thing I did was swear a lot and make some deeply stupid nonsensical puns, most of which no one could hear through the gauze anyway. I didn't bring up any topic unsolicited -- i think I was really just responding directly to whatever words I heard around me (like the nurse said something about "training" and I said "choo choo" and then explained the joke a few times). My dad was there picking me up and there are plenty of things I don't want him to know, but none of them came up or came out at all. If you're really anxious about spilling your deep dark secrets, mention that to the nurse or whomever and ask if they can help in that window where you're most "out of it", then once you're out of the building just go to sleep asap. When my sister had hers out, I drove her and she spent the whole car ride telling me she loved me and the world and everything but mostly me. it was super sweet, but not private info. a few friends told me similar things about their experiences because they knew I was nervous and didn't know what to expect, and none of them mentioned volunteering private thoughts or secrets. Honestly this has made me wonder if kids are just lightweights or if people put on a huge act for those viral videos or if they give different drugs in different areas, because today was nothing like the cartoonish loopy state I half expected. I even won a few rounds of Boggle as soon as I got home (under an hour after waking up).

TLDR it was really pretty chill. I don't think I embarrassed myself more than saying the same thing multiple times or making dumb incoherent jokes, and even 30min after regaining consciousness I felt slow and a little groggy but fully mentally there. by 90min after, I felt normal but tired. I'm typically anxious about surgery stuff, but this was a much more low-key experience than I feared. genuinely hope this helps at all :)

[abneyart]

Any favourite fics?

That depends!

I admittedly haven't read a whole lot of bg3 fic, but like I mentioned in the last ask, I religiously read cheerysmores's stuff. I particularly like their Gale/Tav stuff--and it might be my Leo tendencies, but I can't help but LOVE this fic based on this piece I did 🤭 but seriously, any of their writing is tops. Their characterization of Gale is so. Good. And a lot of people seem to misunderstand him so it goes a long way for me (a trend you'll probably see in most of the following recs tbqh)

(Here's her AO3 btw)

If you're into like the Hunger Games which I've been reading, I love Roses and Pearls which is an everlark au. Really really good!

Ik I have some entrapdak fans that follow me, and there are SO MANY good entrapdak fics on ao3 that I'm having a hard time narrowing it down, but if I HAD to give specifics, Sweet Raptured Light by Mazen SO GOOD. If one-shots are more your style (when I'm in a fic mood, I typically binge, so that's why a few of these are multichapter) Infinite by midwesterosi. I love "Against the Current" which I cannot find for the life of me right now, so if anyone has the link, lemme know I'll see if I can add it to this post.

My favorite SanSan fic (which I realize is gonna be a rarer pair) is like an epic it's so long and it's so delicious because the agency the author gives Sansa is so refreshing. She's really QITN material, but I'm not sure if/when it will be updated--it's 58 chapters rn with over 500k words tho so if you like the long haul you'll be pretty satisfied. I've probably read it twice now tbqh. Northern Lights and Midnight Sun by Ownsariver

That's kind of my main ones, I'm super open to fic recs but I kind of have to be in a mood sometimes to really sit and read (usually horizontal days for me where my body can't physically sit up which happens more often than I'd like!) but a lot of the ones I've mentioned, if the author posts something new I'll flock to it IMMEDIATELY because I love their stuff so much.

I feel the need to remind ppl to leave kudos and comments but that might be preaching to the choir in this case!