#which is horrible but if i were i wouldn't have to take this shit exam

[paskariu]

Why is hot water bottle perfect for soothing from bad thoughts(TM) but also it's currently 27°C in my room

Do you see the kind of stress I'm under

Why is the world so cruel

[petew21-blog]

Workout routine

My best friend from school, Emily, married last summer while still being at university with me. She is still young, but claimed that her boyfriend truly loves her. Bullshit if you ask me, he never respected here and treated here like a trophy wife since the beginning. Yeah I hated him. He was a homophobic asshole and acting like some fuckin' alpha male. Why Emily dated him I never understood

One day we were on their garden studying for an upcoming exam. I was nervous most of the time cause James was working outside fixing stuff and eyed me like a prey. Emily went to get us some snacks and drinks.

He came up to me and started some homophobic talk how I could choose this path of sin and so on. I couldn't look up at him. Cause he was very close to me, very shritless and VERY sexy. Way too much. If I looked up even for a second, I would immediately get hard.

"You gays are the worst thing about this generation. You can't even work, y'all do your artsy useless shit and nothing usefull"

"Can you just let me live and go on about your life? I don't want to listen to this."

"Well you're on my property so you'll listen to whatever I have to tell you"

A call from inside the house. Emilly called him

"You're lucky. If it weren't for her you'd be already on the ground biting dust"

What an idiot. I was raging. I think I'll just leave and go home. I can't calm myself down and I don't want to cause any drama with Emily. Even if I think her husband is horrible, I don't want ot loose her a s a friend"

Emily came out of the house, smiling. She brought the snacks and water. She looked at me "Sorry for... taking so long. I had to sort something that couldn't wait. Now drink up, you haven't drank for hours. I should have brought drinks sooner."

I took the glass and took a sip. But then I felt really nauseaous. My vision was blurry now and I felt like vomiting. All I could make out of Emily's face was that she was smiling.

Then my vision started getting clearer again. But it was strange, I wasn't outside anymore. I was in their kitchen, holding a glass. "How did I get here?" went through in my head. As I looked for the nearest surface to put down the glass I noticed that I was shirtless.

Wait, what?!? This isn't my body!!!

I let go off the glass destroying it. But nothing could have prepared me for being this ripped in the matter of seconds. This is something I always wished for, but never thought I would get. I was always the skinny twink trying to build more muscles, but couldn't. And now, I have massive muscles.

I found a mirror in the hall. No, this can't be happening. I am James. I can't be him. He is an asshole. A homophobic asshole.

But his body thought otherwise. His dick got hard. And it isn't small. Which might be cool to play with, but now I was still angry everytime I looked at the mirror.

"Enjoying yourself?" Emily asked as she entered the house

"What have you done, Ems?"

"I gave you a new body. The one you have been lusting for. And as a side effect I got myself an improvement for a boyfriend. I loved him before, but I was blind and deaf to all the things he said on your account and to all the things he commented about me. Never appreciated me. But you are the best man I ever knew. And I wanted to be with you even if I wasn't your type. But now, I think I might be" she said as she placed her hand on my new crotch.

I thought I wouldn't like this, cause I was gay for my entire life, but James's body is still straight. But in my mind I could even picture myself with a dude and not be disgusted

"Ems, I think you didn't turn me straight as you wished for. I think I'm bi, actually"

"Whatever is best for both of us. I got a cute gay friend who you might like and who would love to explore your body, with me. But I think there might be some emotions involved, you know. Cause of the previous ownership and so on." she said and laughed out loud.

I took her up and put her on the kitchen table. Embracing her and going for a kiss.

"Ems, you are the best friend I could have ever wanted. I love you and I will love you now as your husband"

We could hear a scream outside coming from the garden. We could only smile at each other as we knew what was coming

Two months later:

"Hey, my name is James and this is my colleague Robert. Robert is a small gay dude friend from my wife. We are going on a road trip to get to know each other better with the permission from my wife. So we would like a room"

"Oh, there's only double bed? That's absolutely fine with us, right Robert? Bro's will be bro's and NO HOMO. Hahaha"

A story request from Inbox: Could you do a swap with a Twink and his best friend’s bodybuilder husband?

[kaixserzz]

i looked into the mirror today and i was like GODDAMN my eyebags are HORRIBLE holy shit 😭😭made me think about zandik so here :3 kinda sucks but i just needed to prep myself b4 i write smth longer and get through this state of mind 💀💀

dottore drabble x4 "eyebags"

during your days back at the akademiya, it was not uncommon for scholars and students alike to have sleepless nights for the sake of their own projects and research.

zandik was especially no exception, despite his research usually having nothing to do with the akademiya.

it was always you who would remind him to sleep, so he wouldn't pass out in the middle of writing on his desk or start stumbling as he walks. you seemed to care for his body more than he did himself.

but he'd listen to you anyway, no matter how much he thinks it would be a hindrance to his progress if he dared to sleep, take a break, or even eat. you always seem to manage to convince him into doing things you want (for his own good).

it's not like he could think straight in such a vulnerable state.

so zandik was surprised to see you passed out on the living room floor, with papers messily splayed all over the coffee table, and dirty plates with leftover food on the couch.

if it was him in the scene, you probably would've scolded him for messing up the living room and sleeping there, but as of late, zandik noticed that you've been way too busy. but he hasn't seen you pull all-nighters unless there were exams, or you were nearing a due date.

zandik took it upon himself to investigate, peering into the numerous papers laid on the wooden table and ultimately found out that some of these papers weren't even yours, or were a group project.

he clicked his tongue in annoyance.

without waking you, zandik picked up all the papers and organized them as neatly as possible, resisting the urge to rip them apart. it was your work after all, despite the papers having someone else's name in them. then, he cleaned the dishes you'd left from your midnight snacks.

when you groaned and started blinking blearily awake, zandik gently pushed you back onto the couch, mumbling something about sleeping more.

and when you refused, he glared at you with a huff. "sometimes, your kindness could be such a curse," he remarks as he watched you shakily sit up, yawning, "you look horrible."

ignoring his comment as you stretched your body, noticing the clean living room. you gave a knowing smile to zandik, to which he just scoffed at.

you almost flinched at the sudden touch of his hands on your face, cupping your cheeks soothingly as he stared into your eyes. the fog of sleepiness hasn't been fully cleared from your mind, and you find yourself melting in his hands, sighing blissfully.

his thumbs pressed on the flesh beneath your eyes, and his right eye twitched. "you have big eyebags."

at that, you let out a noise, offended at his words, as you quickly sobered up from your sleepy state and glared halfheartedly at him. your hands found themselves on his face and lightly pinched his cheeks.

"like you're one to talk!" you pouted at him, "you're the one sleeping 2 hours everyday if i don't tell you to sleep!"

"i do not care much of what you do," he quickly lied, and you rolled your eyes, "but i will not stand for your idiocy to do everything yourself." zandik hissed, not noticing how his brewing anger made him dig his nails onto your jawline.

but it wasn't painful, considering how gentle he was whenever he holds you. though, you could tell he was genuinely upset. why were you letting others take advantage of you? he hates it, and you know he will do something about it sooner or later.

your chest felt warm knowing that he cares so much about you.

so you just sighed and grabbed him by his arms, before falling back onto the couch.

zandik yelps as he lands onto your body, and before he could process what you did, you had your arms wrapped around his torso, successfully trapping him. "what are you doing?" he glares at you again, elbows on the both sides of your head, propping himself upwards to not crush you.

"let's sleep a bit more," you cooed, pulling him to you, using all his strength to deny his squirming. you let him lay atop your body, arms refusing to let him go.

zandik flushed at the closeness, struggling to think coherently as your hot breath fanned against his neck. he felt the hairs on his arms stand when you spoke against his skin.

"we're both tired, so let's sleep,"

zandik scowled, but he let himself be comfortable against your body. he couldn't help but breathe in your scent as he buried his face in your chest, slowly growing content in this position. the feeling of your hand rubbing his head in all the right places is slowly lulling him to sleep once more.

"...fine," he relented with a grumble, "just this once, only because you're an idiot who needs a teddy bear to sleep."

you laughed lightly, before kissing him on the cheek. "thanks for looking out for me,"

"whatever..."

ugh, how is he going to sleep when you make his heart pound crazily against his ribcage?

- ̥۪͙۪˚┊❛❛ If you like this a lot, consider reblogging! I'll appreciate it very very much! Don't repost and/or translate my work anywhere. ❜❜ ┊˚ ̥۪͙۪◌

[indigosabyss]

DCST X Naruto: Automobile Fever

(Note: Kikumaru is Ukyo)

"... Do I wanna know what this is about?" Kakashi asked as he took in the remnants of a large cart that had been dismantled in the middle of the training ground he had begun taking Senku to.

Said cute little inventor paused from fiddling with metal pipes to fix him with an excited look, "Yes. You absolutely do. Ask me anything."

Kakashi knew a threat when he saw one, "I'd rather not, thanks."

"It's the automobile, take two!" Senku continued, uncaring.

"Maa, when'd you have time to do take one?" He was starting to realize that he was also assigned to Senku to monitor him. And if the bratling had started going behind Kakashi's back to make more inventions... Well. The consequences wouldn't be good.

"Oh, shit you're making another one of these??" A voice spoke up from the treeline as a figure dropped down, more weirdly shaped pipes in one hand and a bag of coal in the other.

"Hey, Ta- Person I've Never Met Before." Shisui backpedaled horribly.

"Shisui, your ex-teammate Kikumaru introduced us, if you've forgotten." Kakashi replied drily, "And care to tell me what the first one was like?"

Shisui's smile suddenly became a lot more wooden.

-----

Compared to Shisui's meteoric rise through the ranks, his genin teammate Kikumaru had gone a slightly more sedate route - not before getting promoted to chunin before Shisui though, which he still wasn't over.

His lack of promotions was probably because of taking long-term in-village posts which someone had to do, but had little chance of proving your merit.

On the upside, though, this meant that they could catch up anytime Shisui was cooling down between missions. Even if Kikumaru wasn't free, no one cared if an elite jonin hung by the entry gate for an hour too long.

Until he came back from his most recent one.

"Sorry, Shisui." Kikumaru looked at least a little apologetic as he adjusted the mess of pipes on his back, "Working on something."

"Training for jonin exams?" Shisui asked, falling into step beside him, because even if he hadn't managed it as fast as Shisui, Kikumaru still could pass the exams.

"I've told you, I prefer providing security for the Village." Kikumaru reminded him mildly, "And this is a project I'm helping a boy with. Shiraishi Senku, you'll like him."

They were on the outskirts of the commercial district, where the crowd had petered off until there was no one but them.

And a little boy who looked barely old enough to be in the Academy, sitting on some sort of weirdly made cart. (Which meant he was older than Shisui when he made his first kill.)

"Aw, hi kid!" He skipped forward to greet him. He couldn't help it, they were just so cute and innocent and he wanted them to stay like that forever.

"Shisui's a friend of mine." Kikumaru explained, setting the contraption down on the cart.

Senku nodded, thoroughly distracted by fixing random ends of the pipes to axles of the cart, "That's cool."

Clearly he wouldn't listen until he was done with this, so Shisui settled for watching intently.

He was now pouring water into some part of this mess.

And then he was putting coal into a separate part.

And then, he brought out the matches.

"What's this project exactly?" He asked at that point, because he desperately needed to know.

Senku beamed at him, "It's an engine! I'm powering it out of steam, but later on we can make a more efficient power source. For now, though, we can use the one billion percent reliable Wobbler design, which works by-"

His excited rambling was cut off as steam began to belch out of the chimney part of the metal contraption. Shisui took a step back, ready to grab the kid in case it exploded.

The cart rocked, and for a moment he thought exactly that was about to happen. He pulled Senku away to a semi-safe distance, waiting.

The cart did not explode. And neither did the 'engine'. Instead, it moved forward.

Wheels turning, with neither horse nor man pulling it, the cart began to crawl down the road, gaining speed rapidly.

"Awesome." He praised reflexively, as it jerkily turned a corner, "...Can you disable it?"

"Not without being on board." Senku replied.

Possibly possessed cart was now fully out of sight.

Kikumaru and Shisui chased after it over the rooftops in unison, not a word having to be said between them.

Even if they were elite ninja, it seemed they had been too slow on the uptake. Through the whole commercial district, there was a trail of destruction. Animals running loose, produce squashed. Inconceivable amounts of damages, all leading up to...

"That's the Nara compound." Kikumaru noted faintly, landing on the ground in front of where there should be guards. Seems they had abandoned their posts to chase after the possibly possessed cart.

Shisui activated his Sharingan, just to figure out where it went next, but it was pretty obvious, given that it had been going in a straight line since it broke down the Nara clan compound's gates.

"It's gotten into the forest." He confirmed solemnly.

---

"-as far as we can figure, either the deer ate it. Or it integrated seamlessly and now lives amongst them like the beast it was meant to be." Shisui finished.

"It wasn't alive, it didn't even have a logic unit!" Senku argued from behind them.

"I know a living breathing thing when I see one!" Shisui insisted right back.

Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Okay, Senku-kun, I'm going to have to know exactly how this works. And we'll be starting this with smaller tests first."

He hated having to be responsible.

[escapadeist]

palm tree 🌴

nutmeg

ivy

and chia 🩵🩷🩵🩷🩷

get to answering lol

Ayee there's my fren...

palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless?

Damn, ik they're morally gray characters n very popular or infamous choices for such questions, but Snape n Draco, i don't usually like characters that act out the way they do because of whatever negative experiences they've been through, because you always have a choice to not bleed on those who haven't hurt you, but anyhow, i think that their backstories and everything that they do based on them, doesn't make me love em exactly but appreciate them a lil more than others ig. Also, just a blanket answer will be all those side characters in movies or TV shows, that are not exactly villains but are villainized by others on the show or they and their struggles are hidden from the spotlight because they aren't as quirky or likeable as the main character's problems, just makes me love them even more! Also, might be a bias cause i identify as a side character..

nutmeg ⇢ how’s your room/home decorated? do you have a specific theme or style going on?

My room, oh the tragedy, i wanted it to be a subtle dull-ish green, or teal kinda maybe, but it turned out this bonkers paint that i hate now, but anyway, i try to work with it. There's no theme, because i didn't have a room of my own until i was way older and then the prospect of me leaving my parents' home made me think, why even bother decorating.. but yes, as of now, it's just a place i occassionally occupy n has my pride n joy, my bookshelf n my canvases on it and i am a neat freak so i like to organize stuff but ever since my seemingly never ending exams have started n my life decided to go to shit simultaneously, i haven't gotten the chance to clean n organize, but soon i will n it will feel better. (It being me, n also, a bit, the room ig? haha)

ivy ⇢ what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?

Ukw, funnily enough, i don't have a lot of 'tells' especially when I'm sad because i self-isolate, (ik toxic trait, but i feel like i don't wanna burden people with my sadness) so yeah that... But i am quiet mostly when sad n when i feel joyous, i think i hum n sing quite a lot, n take interest in my hobbies again n dance somewhat, but hey that could also be because I'm depressed but I wanna distract myself or procrastinate dealing with it so I just do the happy stuff, fake it till u make it or die amirite? For anger tho, i recently found out, i can't express it healthily, *pause for gasp* n end up screaming, crying (which i hate!!!! Crying when you're angry is horrible!!!!) n actually have very bad symptoms like a racing heartbeat n shortness of breath n have thrown up too, God, I'm oversharing! But yeah, might as well drag the cat that's outta the bag now... (Sorry, no, i still love cats, LIKE A LOT!, Please apologise to your cats, i didn't mean any harm to them)

chia ⇢ what’s an inside joke you have with someone else?

Ok so this is actually a very geographical joke (The Office reference, the kind of jokes u have to "be there for" hehe) so as i said i have my exams going on rn, n in this one subject we had to study about what makes an entrepreneur... And idk if it was a typo in the notes that we were provided with or what, although i wouldn't put my uni past that, but apparently one of the reasons one can be held back from being an entrepreneur is "not being able to have dreams", now ik they must've meant dreams as in a vision or high ambitions or something... But when me n my friend read it, we just imagined this one person going to sleep every night n waking up disappointed like "Dammit! I was so tired, i straight up went to sleep n i didn't even have a dream! This is why mom was right, i will never amount to anything because i don't see any dreams.." now they didn't even bother to specify what kinda dreams, so it can range from nightmares to fantasies or wet dreams for all we care, but ever since then, whenever there's a problem n we can't find a solution, me n my friend say to each other, "Oh well, this is because we never have dreams man! We can never think outside the box for creative solutions to anything, because we sleep too soundly n dreamlessly"

Ik it's a very, very stupidly silly joke but it gets us cracking each time so ig it works out for us atleast lol..

Wow, these were fun to answer!

Would love more asks people!

N if u reblog the OG post I'd love to fill up your ask box too...

Also, love ya n thank u sooo much for sending this love ❤️✨

[starzgaze]

extremely cringe rant coming up

oh my fucking god i hate being titled smart or whatever like?? I'm not even smart by default, my hardest is another person's lowest and it's pissing me off. usually i wouldn't care but atp whenever my family brings it up to show me or my achievements off it brings a bitter taste in my mouth because probably I don't deserve more than half of these achievements. I feel like I'm a fraud for not studying better or whatever

these exams and groupings made me realize like holy shit maybe I'm not that decent like what i thought i was!! these abilities that i thought were good? are fucking ASS. All those years of practicing this and that means nothing because its apparently wrong or I had the wrong concept this whole time but no one was there to tell me it was wrong nor did they even bother to tell me, probably doing it just to see my downfall!!!!!! too fucking bad my biggest hater is myself and they can't stoop lower than me self sabotaging myself

I hate this country and the stupid education system, it's bullshit holy fuck. Not only education is not hardly accessible, people think academics is everything now its painfully engraved into my head if i get a grade lower 90 or even get an 89 which im expecting to see on my card soon I'm a failure in life and I don't deserve this tuition fee to be paid and i should probably scrape the money to pay it myself because my mom is already a single parent struggling to put food on the table and my tuition doubles on the problems she has and im just!!!!! fucking useless!!!!!! I can't even do my part as a student nor as her child so what's the point anymore i should've just got hit or something, in fact im just waiting a horrible event occurs to me and i never recover and just pass away straigjt up

i hatehatehathtatttee this so much i hate being poor, i hate beinf stupid, i hate this life genuinely like i didnt even ask for this but whenever i say this i feel horrible because this was the life chosen for me and i feel like im offending my mother or the people who raised me because they tried their very best and i end up like this!!!!!!!! my exams scores r so bad i dont even think im smart anymore i should just zip my mouth and isolate myself from other people before i say anything I'd regret later which happens alot because there's times i dont know when to shut it or to speak and i watch my grades crumble because i dont know when is the right time to say something or stay quiet

What sucks too people are expecting me to have high grade, great achievements and whatever the fuck. My family and people in my life doesn't say it but i caaaannn feel the expectations because they've always seen me having these certificates I don't even deserve and they expect me to break the stupid generational curse of being poor or whatever and gets us out of poverty and im just!!!! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WHEN ALL OF MY OPPORTUNITIES I WASTE IT BY BEINF SO INDECISIVE OR I'M TOO POOR TO AFFORD SAID OPPORTUNITY.

oh to be a rich nepo baby at this point i dont care anymore i just want to hang myself let's see if I'll be admitted again by the end of the school year

oh u know i dont even think im good in anything i say like i say i like legos but i apparently take too much time and is too stupid to follow instructions or that one time where i claim im good in english then whenever i try to recite or whatever I'd get ridiculed like omfg!!!! is this even worth it??2?2?2?3 should i even TRY AT THIS POINT OH MY GOD????? and then when it comes to art or other aspects in my life i feel like its not even enough or its too fucking ugly like okmfmgmg theyre gonna try to sugar coat it "oh it isnt too bad!!!" shut UP it looks like i vomitted and tried to put glitter on jt its hideous why did i even

I can't becomr an artist, physicist, biologist or any of the dreams i want to pursue because im fucking horrible in everything u know maybe i shluld just KILLMYSE

[tetsunabouquet]

I'm currently stuck at trauma memory lane so I need to vent for a bit. The inciting moment was remembering how my mom isn't coming home during the lunch break as she's going shopping when I really wanted to do so with her tomorrow so we'd have a nice moment together as with my exam stress and her working, we have very few family moments currently. Sunday she is already 'taken' as she is going to meet up with someone she hasn't seen in years. I wouldn't mind this at all if it was an old friend or something, but no, the person she's seeing (and why she is shopping right now) is her hag of an older sister. She's one of the primary reasons why I'd like to be a family person but I am not because of the hurt. Whilst she never said it to my face directly, my mom due to her BPD, shared some instances where she talked with my aunt about me and my aunt said crude remarks about me, likely because it hurt my mom but it only caused me to share the pain and hate my aunt. There are three instances where her remarks are unforgivable to me. I am not sure if I mentioned the 1st in a post or if it was just in a conversation with a mutual but in chronological order here they go; My birth. My mom didn't even want her present but her friend who was present called my aunt anyways. Know that my birth was a traumatic experience for my mom. I actually got stuck in the womb during birth and was basically suffocating to death inside of her. By the time the doctors got me out, my skin had already turnt a dark blueish purple and I had to stay at the IC for a while. I do not know all the details, but they did allow my mom to hold me before they took me to the IC. The first thing my aunt ever said to me? She called my feet weird- I have a toe deformity remember? Her sister was lying there traumatized and her niece dying! Yet judging her niece for her deformed toes was the thing that was on her mind?! I am sorry, but how big of an asshole can you be in that moment?! The second thing was how unsupportive she was to my mom before I was diagnosed with autism. Because I grew up around drug violence, had a deadbeat dad and was shunned by most of the other kids, I was already walking around with suicidal ideations at the tender age of 5. Aside from the few kids who were nice to me, my memories prior to my diagnosis are one big blur because of the trauma. If I try to focus on that blur, I feel like I am falling into a pit of darkness and get the intense urge to cry. My aunt? She only wrote me off as a manipulative liar when my mom sought her support. As someone with (C-)PTSD, those words really cut deep. That period in my life is the start of my history with trauma and I'd never lie about something like that. I'd never lie about the suicidal ideations I struggle with since my literal childhood. The tears are flowing from my eyes at that accusation as we speak. Whilst the third trauma isn't as severe it is really complex on its own. Her oldest daughter is only 6 months older then me and because ours moms look alike and I've got strong Roma genes through my dad and her father being Indonesian, we even both have that 'do you have Asian ancestry or not?' thing going on. Which led to us being compared from instance to another and developping a bit of a rivalry during childhood and because my cousin also has BPD there were times where she would become violent with me and my mom would need to take me home from family gatherings so my cousin could calm down. Aside from my aunt never apologizing to me on the behalf of her daughter for these things, there was this one instance where I, when I was like 6, had stuffed my shirt and pretended to have big boobs. My aunt immediately wrote me off and made the prediction that I would become horribly promiscuous and whatnot. Unlike her, I don't mean to slutshame so quickly but 20 years later and I am still a virgin. Whereas my cousin did shit like posting a picture of her kissing her female friend on social media, not because she's queer but for attention when she was in her teens...

[imfiguringitoutlovely]

his nerd :):

pairing: bakugou x gn!reader/broken!bkdk

genre: angst, fluff,,

warnings: angst,, broken heart deku

author's note: bakugou finally starts really opening up,, but... not to deku. no, he starts opening up to deku's best friend.

and hh,, au where 1a doesn't end in complete, total, mind-numbing angst 😀

also i started writing this a while ago,, but reading bkdk angst inspired me to finish it and

idk how i feel abt it? im sorry if it seems like rushed or everywhere? i wanna write more fluidly,, but i like my format. lemme know what yall think, sORRY FOR JUST LEAVING FOREVER AND THEN COMING TO MAKE YOU SAD BAHAH-

red is kiri, orange is baku, green is deku, black/white is reader

this was it, your first year of UA finally coming in to a close. it was hectic, tiring, and you were glad for the two month break you were about to enjoy to the absolute fullest. you were also glad you wouldn't have to experience your first high school break alone.

somewhere along the line, mina and uraraka started about how awesome it would be to have both friend groups team up again for a few days out by a beach. and then somewhere in that conversation, shoto monotonously remembered his family's unused beach house inherited from his grandparents. and how desperate his father was to redeem himself.

a few questions and calls later, and two weeks away from the last day, the plans for everyone to meet at the beach house the day after the last were set. it was going to be the best week of the year for them, they promised themselves, free of drama.

and you -- poor strung out, absolutely stressed and worked-to-death you -- were 10000% looking forward to it. you'd get to spend time with all your friends away from crazy adults in a remote area with nothing academic-related to plague your mind. you'd even get to rest your quirk which was taking so much of your energy as of late.

most of all, though, you were excited to spend time with your best friend and someone who you'd been getting... surprisingly close to.

the first, of course, was midoriya. you'd met him at the entrance exam and didn't hesitate to congratulate him, as well as praise him, the next time you saw him. you two formally met, nerded out over your quirks, and the rest was history. you backed each other up, dorked out over quirks, and got stronger as a team. and of course that led to getting to know quite a bit about the latter.

you met katsuki the first day of school. he was a jerk, came up with the laziest nickname for you, and absolutely 100% caught your attention for all the wrong reasons. and deku told you everything he was comfortable talking about with you as time went on, reiterating how painful having his best friend become his bully was. and the horrible things he'd said.

still. you could tell deku had lingering feelings. stupidly, you assumed THE FEELING WAS FRIENDSHIP😀-

it wasn't until the kidnap, though, that you realized just how important bakugou was to deku... and to you.

but to deku, he was like family, right?-

the bickering was annoying. the nicknames pissed you off. you hated when he talked shit to izuku. but respect had been building. and from that respect, a certain level of admiration. you took no shit but didn't feel the need to blow up to show that. he talked shit, but didn't hesitate to cut it out when you stood your ground. neither of you were helpless, you were both fighters, and you... understood where you were each coming from.

anyone could see where this was probably heading, but it still hit you like a truck when bakugou's kidnapping crumbled your hold world. of course you were part of the rescue team. and of course izuku was catching onto what was going on with you.

and the last few months of school reinforced it for him. you spent time with his childhood friend bully outside of class. bakugou was easier on deku with the insults already, but when you were around, they were lighthearted in nature. you two were making each other laugh, having inside jokes here and there, and you seemed to be growing naturally into the bakusquad.

and here, the last day of school, instead of going to your best friend first, you turned to bakugou.

"you ready for me to beat your ass?"

"in?"

"the swimming competition, blasty! your memory goin' out on you-?"

"oi, since when are you the one doing the bullying?"

"since you showed me how fun it is to be an asshole."

"fair enough, nerd."

and he ruffled your hair. ruffled. your. hair. where anyone could see, with a smirk on his face that didn't look like his planning-murder face. and you laughed, smiled, like you weren't being touched by the deadliest person in the class.

izuku watched, and though a part of him said to be happy for you, another made his heart sink. since when were you two so comfortable with each other? since when did he become your friend?

but you didn't know better. you said bye to bakugou and rushed to your best friend as if nothing happened, just talking about how excited you were to finish packing your things up on the walk to the dorms.

the time came when it was time to head out. it was early, and you were running on absolutely no sleep, but that was fine. you insisted that your adrenaline was enough to keep you up to at least get to the house and unpack.

LYING BITCH- (w respect 😗✌️)

you, midoriya, bakugou, and kirishima were in the same car, which made sense since you could all tolerate each other without commiting murder and it was the earliest drive out, the others insisting to wait a little longer.

"i still can't believe todoroki managed to convince his dad to let us use the house."

"old man's probably desperate."

"jeez, so i guess it hasn't been getting much better between them?"

"that's up to them, really. but icyhot's obviously trying."

"...that sounds like a line you stole from izuku."

and your best friend snorted out in surprise before catching himself.

"stealing lines from-? OI, WHY WOULD I EVER STEAL A STUPID LINE FROM THAT NERD-?!"

"ah, there you are-"

kiri and izuki cracked up, and you smiled as bakugou went on about how he would never want to take anything from the "stupid nerd."

"okay, okay, we get it; you're the almighty great king explosion murder and you'd never-"

"oi, i put that name up once, idiot. you put your stupid one up three times-"

"[Name] THE GREAT AND MIGHTY IS A FANTASTIC NAME-"

and again, the car erupted into laughter with the driver himself even smiling a little. and then izuku saw you two. bakugou was cracking a smile, a real genuine one with some chuckle in it, and you were beaming through your laughter, making eye contact. when was the last time he and bakugou had been like that with each other?

kirishima didn't let izuku sink into his thoughts, immediately jumping into the next subject; swimming. apparently the students of 1a couldn't possibly go a whole week without some sort of competition, and being on the beach, swimming sounded perfect. and for those looking to better explore their quirk vs their raw, quirkless strength since the first competition, this was even better.

okay, so maybe it wasn't free of ALL academic-related topics-

it wasn't going to be anything formal, and there was no prize, but good ol' fashioned competition never did anyone much harm! right?

come the third day on the beach, the swimming competition idea came back up. almost everyone agreed to participate except shoto, iida, and izuku. shoto just didn't quite feel like competing, iida was annoyed at the saltwater's effect on his boosters, and deku... well, you didn't quite know.

"you sure, midoriya? you've been talking about wanting to have another way to measure your quirk's progress. i know we don't really swim as heroes, and this is a break and all, but it wouldn't hurt to maybe have some fun with-"

"i'm sure, [Name]."

he gave you a smile to reassure you, but you saw the way his eyebrows pulled. you frowned and stepped closer to make the conversation a little more private, but then you were being yelled at.

"d-don't mean to rush you, but bakugou just threatened to blast the shore if we don't start soon-!"

"DAMN RIGHT I WILL! THESE DAMN IDIOTS MAKING ME WAIT FOR SOME LOUSY COMPETITION WE ALL KNOW I'M GONNA WIN-!"

you would normally smile, but your best friend didn't seem okay, and you couldn't even pinpoint why. the trip had been going great with only minor bumps here and there (denki basically forgot half of his things and someone almost broke an entire floor of the house-). but there was nothing that couldn't be fixed.

"izuki..."

"i'm fine, [Name], really. go kick some butt."

you were supposed to laugh, but didn't. you instead stepped away with extreme hesitance. it took another shout to get you to jog to place, right next to bakugou.

why couldn't you see how hard this was for izuki? how could you not realize that creating the bond that izuku had been aching for for years was making it so hard for him to smile? he wanted to be happy for you two. he knew where it would lead. but part of him hoped he was wrong.

unfortunately, he was about to be proven right.

iida counted down, everyone on the shoreline with their feet barely touching the water.

"three!"

"i'm gonna beat your ass, extra."

hearing his voice brought you back. you decided it was okay for you to push the worry to the back of your mind for a little while.

"extra? so we're regressing."

"two!"

"and pretty confident for someone who refuses a one on one match."

you'd asked him before, but he kept coming up with excuses. you knew it wasn't about his capability, but moreso probably about not wanting to break another rule in using the school pool without permission.

"i'd rather beat a whole group of idiots than just one."

"one-!"

and y'all were off. he obviously used his quirk the best he could, the buoy in the distance marking the spot.

everyone else was going hard. mina was utilizing her leg strength from dance, kiri was using his hardening to make his arms like paddles, denki was going on pure luck because he didn't want to electrocute everyone, tsui used her biological advantage, so on and so on.

and they were all giving a good fight, aiming for second because of how damn ahead bakugou already was. but you? you were aiming for first. you pushed your quirk to the max, eyes devoid of any sign that this was just for fun. you were gonna beat bakugou, not out of spite, but to be at the top. you weren't going to be left behind, no, and you had to prove you were an equal.

you wanted to be his equal.

at one point, you were at his heels. and then he pushed a little harder and you were left behind again. but rather than being discouraged, you pushed.

izuku watched his best friend from the shore, pain pushed aside by astonishment. it wasn't that he didn't recognize your talents and strengths, but this was kacchan you were catching up to. this was a lot, for anyone.

and as you got closer and closer to that damn rope, it hit him.

you'd grown so much with kacchan in ways he hadn't been able to in years. why? because you didn't take his shit. when you wanted something, you did everything you could to get it, and you understood that it wasn't mean. it was determined, and sometimes led to people describing you as merciless, but it was never mean. you understood what you deserved and were willing to hold yourself accountable the same way you held others accountable.

you understood kacchan better because you related to him, and vice versa.

you two made sense. you weren't complete opposites and you didn't have a whole list of past grievances to patch up. it was new, fresh, and the barrier was only personal. there wasn't a whole wiki-page worth of obstacles.

izuku watched the final moments and felt everything fall into place.

...

your hand brushed the rope a second before bakugou's did.

...

he, iida, and shoto watched, jaws slightly slack and eyes laser-focused on the number one. the other competitors were starting to inch in.

when you had your arm around the rope, pushing your hair back as you realized your victory, bakugou stared at you.

"holy shit did i-? i won?! I WON! SEE?! I TOLD YOU, BOOM BOY! I BEAT YOUR ASS!"

you had to laugh, one of great joy and self-satisfaction because oh jesus fuck, you just beat Bakugou Katsuki in a competition.

so you let out whoops and pumped a fist up the best you could in the water while continuing to laugh until you felt his stare.

"bakugou? hey, this just means im good in the water, nothing-"

"you're a nerd, you know that?"

and for another moment it was quiet, but as the others finally reached the rope, you broke out into more laughter.

and it'd been so damn long since you were this bright. the last time anyone had seen you this relaxed and happy was before the usj attack, and two things kind of hit the two childhood friends at once:

1) you were good at hiding whatever stress you were feeling. and that was scary, because that means that at some point you could've been on the edge of a break and they didn't even notice. they'd have to be more observant with you.

and perhaps the most devastating one,

2) katsuki made you happy.

and god,, that changed a lot for both of them, one who was watching from the shore, toes not even dipped in but feeling like he was drowing, and one who's feet couldn't reach the bottom but felt like he was walking on air.

the great dynamight couldn't help his grin even as the extras started swimming in towards them to congratulate you.

"fuckin' nerd..."

it's something uncharacteristically quiet from him, yet still edged with hesitance, and you find yourself repeating it over and over in your head. he also finds himself repeating it out loud throughout the trip:

once when he helps you get uo after you faceplant in the sand during a small volleyball match on the third, again when you almost burn the bacon for breakfast on the fourth, again when you and kaminari crash in the hall during a race to get to the bathroom on the sixth, and lastly when

well, when you two are sitting by the water at night on the seventh. when he's supposed to be asleep, internal clock already chastising him for staying up. when he's not supposed to be speaking so softly. when he's not supposed to enjoy how you inch a little closer with - still - a clear understanding that there were boundaries you couldn't just cross. no physical affection or contact, not unless you were both on the same page for it, and no bullshit sweet talk. he wasn't supposed to like it. he wasn't supposed to like you, and you knew that. and it scared him that you did.

"we don't need to call each other anything too different. we don't need to change each other. i know this is gonna be... this is gonna be something new for both of us. and i'm gonna be honest, it might not be what we want it to."

you both seemed to take a breath at that, but you at least worked up the courage to look at him while you continued.

"i'm probably gonna make myself look stupid once or twice... and i know you're gonna act like an idiot sometimes-"

"oi, what are you tryna say-?"

"i'm trying to say that i know you're going to try. you're too stubborn not to - that's a compliment - and i want you to know that i am, too."

"...fucking nerd."

and you knew from how softly he was speaking that it was him trying, even if he didn't look at you. it was him trying to listen - really listen - and let himself be okay with this, let himself feel like he deserves a shot.

and izuku knew from how he wasn't able to hear it as he watched from his window, unable to let it settle in his mind that he couldn't do anything about this aching, that he had to start trying to walk away. to let himself be okay with this.

you smile, laying back in the sand and closing your eyes as the moment washes over you, and it occurs to you that what bakugou said was absolutely perfect.

"...your nerd."

[dancingastralwitch]

Idk, I can't focus on studying so have some

VNC EXAM HEADCANONS

Vanitas would not study for shit, but end up begging Jeanne to explain to him stuff

There'll be Luna waiting for his ass too if not

Noé would study, write good notes, but the exams are something else

Astolfo would mock him prideless

He'd gets distracted by a fly, daydream and forget about the paper 💀

Louis would already know everything and might be the first to finish his paper

Domi would do her best, but Veronica might swipe her paper for a suspiciously doodle-filled one

Enter Louis detecting thot energy

Roland would ace it and try not to brag to Olivier, whose on his third year repeating ("wait you mean attacking people for justified reasons still gets you an F?")

Dante would ace the exam only because he cheated from Louis, hit he'd get called in later anyways

Riche would just give him the evil eye because she actually sat her ass down the day before and crammed with pancakes and cookies and warm milk and also tried to get him to study (but it all flew out, as schoolwork is not as interesting as drama)

Johann would write all the answers wrong and draw terrifyingly menacing doodles and fill his paper with them, which were stolen later by Veronica

Astolfo wouldn't give a shit about his exams, he'd just sleep it though

Jeanne would just refer to one her numerous study guides (one for Vanitas and Noé, Louis said he'd take care of Domi) and possibly be the best at revision

Vanitas would fail because Misha distracted him all year and the reality wouldn't hit him until much, much later

Antoine and Veronica would pull a Rich Kids Study and get tutors and shit (whether they do them justice or not, is entirely up to them)

Chloe wouldn't take an exam, she already graduated 🕴🏾

But she'd try to help Jean-Jacques, but her study methods would be too outdated, so he'd try to study with Noe and Teacher

Luca and Jeanne would study together

Ruthven would be the one of the many, many, teachers who hate vanitas

After exams Noé would just fall asleep whether he did it or not

And so would Domi

Vanitas would realize how fucked he is

But, suprise, surprise! Luna does not give one fuck

"We're all bad at something, after all! For example, I'm a terrible cook!"

"The word terrible wouldn't do your cooking justice."

Depend on Louis to turn something as little as an exam paper into a family dispute (I'm too tired to type that in lmao)

Chloé and Jean-Jacques would go for ice cream together with Jeanne and Luca

Dante, Riche and Johann would go watch a movie together at home to celebrate

Roland and Olivier would take their frustrations out on playing tennis and Astolfo would coach them with horribly foul language

That's it for now, here's a silly meme

[kyunsies]

Hello Mädch ahsdjaksdh <3 !!

how is college going? dw, I hope you are settling in super well and feeling optimistic about school and all the amazing things I know you are going to achieve this year! I am excited that you are starting your rotations now! you are going to do awesome, I know it! I'm sorry that you didn't get that ICU first like you wanted but hopefully it's all part of the plan so that you get it at the right time for you <3 let me know how they go, of course. I hope they go super well.

the week has been a bit weird to be honest, in my team I had a semi argument that was properly tense for the first time with someone and it was just so unpleasant. you know those people where they aren't horrible but you know that you'll never completely see eye to eye with them? i think it's just one of those things, where we'll never just completely read each other or get each other? and it's not, like, a massive issue or anything that we can't deal with, but I feel like usually I get on really well with people or not at all (all or nothing person I guess haha) but with this person I've just got to admit that we're always going to be a bit in the middle? like, we talked it over, and I've still found sometimes we misunderstand one another? so things are still good in work and clients, but with workpeople it has been the more difficult battle? hopefully we should get some more cool media stuff with the K-pop people soon, so that's an up?

OMGsh your coworkers are so much older than you! [lease do post a picture of your room, I am 100% confident that you have made it so dreamy and pretty. Thank you sm for telling me more about these operations though! I feel like everywhere is on red alert at the moment when it comes to health and care and making sure that people look after themselves and not put others at risk, you know? the doctors that to talk to me about my potential surgeries too have said the same but it's nice hearing it from a friend, you know? so thank youuuu <3 <3

I was the same as you, I would get so so so anxious and stressed if I wasn't studying or working or anything like that? but my mum is like your mum and grandma, where she gets up early too! but I feel like I need to do the late night thing instead? but then once I got into this crazy spiral where I would wake up really early and go to bed really late and like nap in between so I ended up like having two hours of sleep either side? that was peak wth at the time haha XD so now I try and let myself wake up a bit later really XD ha ha I'm in barely adulting! like I work so much but I don't earn a lot ha ha – I don't think that's very effective adulting? or like, I don't know I guess for a lot of people my age there's a work hard and hope it pays off thing in certain industries? so you're definitely more effectively adulting than me right now! like, you're going to do stuff that's gonna actively help people and you'll see that right in front of you, you know!!? sometimes my work gets out there but I rarely see directly if it gets to make peoples lives better you know? so the path you're on is so so admirable <3 <3 <3

I get you though, do you find that you thrive under the pressure even though it's sometimes a lot? I find that sometimes it does help me, but sometimes I forget to identify the times when it isn't helping me? or, sometimes I take it too far? so please look out for yourself and take care of yourself <3 and when you're worried if you're on the edge know that it's enough for you to take a rest and not be super perfect. i sometimes tell myself to except that I'm probably gonna make two or three stupid mistakes a day? It sounds kind of silly but it means that it makes it easier for me to accept when I mess up, idk, I think it helps me balance the pressure sometimes? i 100% understand what you're saying - at school do they have people that can directly help? or like peer supporters so it's not as stressful or official feeling as a therapist? if you ever want me to come off anon to help lemme know <3 i'm always here for you <3

oh my gosh your grandparents have been able to live long too! all my grandparents lived close to 100 before passing, and one of my grandmothers had the same as your grandfather. he sounds so sweet and so kind though! i love that he knows how to FaceTime you! Some of my aunts and uncles still don't properly haha. it sounds like he knows that he's super loved though, he's very lucky <3 <3 i've been thinking about all this really lovely stuff and how it grounds you when stuff like careers can stress you out and feel like the most important thing when it shouldn't be? what are the personality differences between the different areas of the US? my East Coast friends seem to straight talk a lot more than my West Coast friends? like they're a lot more realistic as opposed to being, I don't know laid-back or if not laid-back sometimes just more comfortable with superficial stuff? Not like my West Coast friends are superficial people, but I think they accept it as part of the world a bit better? my friends on the east coast will rail against that stuff a lot more, like they buy into the influencer bullshit less? but I guess these are all sweeping generalisations anyway... I might have to travel a bit in europe soon... I got asked to go to otaly for some work today, and to holland next month. Idk if it will end up happening though, things change all the time? I have to keep checking quarantine rules all the time with countries! but YAY and YES Europe tour trip one day :D !!!!!!!

you know what? when I first saw you compare bowling and golf I was like, wait, what? but now I totally get it! i know a golfer and they talk about how physical and strenuous it is on the arms and stuff all the time which I don't think always comes across when you watch it and it makes a lot of sense with how you describe how you trained for bowling! i used to cox in rowing and I always used to find it really funny that I said that was the sport I did because honestly I just sat in the boat all the time and steered XD

obligatory YES WTF ARE COTTON SCENTS! quite a few shops in the city where I live have been closing down because of Covid but our Jo Malone is still going strong! I love that lots of already classic clothing shops have now gone out of business but for some reason the people where I live cannot live without their perfume XD I think I'm gonna go in later this week or next week to take a look! with all this travelling I kind of want to buy something new? also, my hands have been acting up with injury so I have to rest my hands more anyway – so might as well look for perfume right? do you have any recommendations or would the blueberry one you've just gotten be at the top of your list?

the exciting thing is that I'm doing a bit less this week! I need to wait and see if that job wants me to fly out to Italy within the next 48 hours, if not next week, but if not I think I'm gonna figure out how to rehabilitate my joints a bit and get my brain okay? It's been existential Covid crisis week haha - I think a lot of me and my friends have been feeling like we've lost so much of our lives and potential during this time and I've really tried to hold in and ignore it for the past 18 months? i'm not one to ever feel lonely or to really really want to be in a relationship like some of my friends, but I've just been feeling it this week? like, I love my independence, but I wouldn't say no to a boyfriend right now you know? I feel silly saying that sometimes because I'm so against feeling like you have to have someone in your life to be okay, but I guess that's just a result of how the world is has been recently?? but I think all my feelings exploded around this stuff now so, I am trying to get back into a better place? so it's not as exciting as some of the stuff I've told you about before, but it's what's up I guess?

how are your mum and grandmother doing? are they doing good? [lease send all my love to them too. I'm glad these help you reflect on your week! they do with me too and I'm always happy to hear from you, no matter how long you might need <3 <3 hope you manage to reward yourself for working so hard these past days and that you remember you're always doing 110% so you deserve the best!

love you lots and lots - 💥

ANGEL HELLO !!!!!!!!! i told myself i would stay on top of this and swear in a timely manner but ;_____; a full week + 2 clinical rotations later here i am on a sunday, it seems this is always the case :( maybe my get back to you day will only be on sundays LOL i will try my best in the future babe, but ofc thank you so much for being patient with me <3

uni is going fine so far hun !!!! i've started clinical rotations as i've said on thursday and friday, and then my first exam is on tuesday so i read some chapters yesterday so i'm not squished for time lol :) and ,,,, what you said "hope it's all part of the plan" is very much my way of thinking lol wha is your sign? i'm a sagittarius and that's like, a philosophy i go by like everything is how it's supposed to be even if it's not what u want like everything will work itself out :') i'm wondering if we are one in the same !!!!! <3

and omg ;_____; conflict within the workplace is NEVER easy bc all everyone wants is to reach the goal you all are reaching and bc there's some bumps in the road it makes everything that much more stressful :( and i know exactly the type of person you are talking about LOL i've had to work with some of my peers in the hospital who really didn't treat me all that nicely , but i still have to partner up with them anyways bc we had to move a patient lol ; like they never do anything terrible to you but you just cannot come to a proper agreement with them? i know the feeling :( but i can tell you are doing ur absolute best ;_____; it's a tough situation ,,,,,,,,, but may i propose something ??? maybe since things are high stress in the workplace, would u be willing to meet them outside the workplace, like a quick coffee meet up and then discuss those issues? maybe talking about it in the work environment is way too stressful for both of u and it is hard to come to an agreement, but maybe in a calmer, more informal setting do u think maybe the both of u could be like "hey, what u were talking about i'm not really head over heels for but this is what i think and do u think we can do something where both of us will be happy?" im thinking maybe will opening up a means for more civilized discussion?? just a thought LOL :') let me know how it goes :( i hope u are all able to figure everything out !!!!!

about the surgeries !!!!! like i said i know it's super stressful to think about bc this is one of the very few times in life where things are absolutely out of our control and that scares us, and we as medical providers aren't supposed to give u a false sense of security, but i promise u everything will be just fine as long as u correctly follow up with care post-op :) we wouldn't want an infection !!!! >;( i remember last year i had a patient and she was going in for a routine colonoscopy and she was scared shitless ,,,,,,, but i was like "listen ma'am i know it can seem scary but i was just in there with the doctors and everything is super relaxed and they know what they're doing in there, you'll be out in no time and i'll be here waiting !!" and that seemed to help her a lot, after the surgery she was on me like flies on shit LOL she was like "THANK U HONEY" (but i think most of it was bc she was still drugged up hhh)

LOL us with our family members waking up early <3 literally this morning i decided to do my laundry at 8am (its only 10 right right now lol) but idk it just make u feel a little bit better doesn't it? but oh my gosh no i don't see u in this way at all ;_____; babe like you're already THERE in the world working and to me like ,,,,,, being an effective functioning person in society is like all i ever want i just want to be COMPETENT and the fact that u manage ppl ???? it's already a lot of responsibility but you do it everyday like you go to work u make food for yourself u pay bills like yes this all kinda sucks but you're there doing it and idk ,,,,,,,, like u being in this position is like yeah their surviving in the world and doing okay !!!! so that’s how i see u hun ;_____;

and i don’t think i necessarily thrive under pressure but i just kinda ,,,,,,, handle it?? like i think i handle my stress quite well !!! i think the reason why making mistakes scares me so much in my field is bc if i make a mistake i can like, kill someone or seriously harm them if i do something wrong SLKDFJ but i have to remember i��m still just a student and a lot of the things that i’ll learn won’t even be in these last few months of nursing school, but rather during my months of orientation on the floor i’ll be working on when i finally land a job ,,,,,, i know i just have to be patient and kind to myself, but it’s hard not having these high expectations for myself bc everyone else pushes themselves super hard (nurses i mean) so i feel like i should be too , ya know? ;_____; it’s a hard balance that i’ve yet to find but hopefully once i graduate i’ll have just a little bit more confidence in myself :’)

and omg your grandparents lived a long life as well !!!!!!!! a lot of my friends’ grandparents are really young still, so it’s hard for others to relate i think LOL but :(((( i’m really lucky to have them around still and like, i feel like my grandparents are the cornerstone of our whole entire family; once they pass i’m not quite sure what will happen ;_____; so i’m just trying to cherish every moment that i have with them even tho sometimes it’s stressful lol ; also BOUT THE DIFFERENCES FROM EAST TO WEST COAST LOL ; i think u described it really well actually :) like among the friends u have the are from different parts of the states, it’s very accurate in my opinion !! and again after all it is just a very broad assumption, in general east coasters have this “workaholic” attitude, they tend to be very realistic which i actually appreciate a lot lol, i’m hoping to live near the east coast when i move out <3 now where i am from it is considered the midwest even tho it’s more east than west if u look at it on the map LMAO and like, it’s really funny bc if u say to someone you’re from the midwest they’ll tell u our reputation is being “too nice” LSKDLFJSKLD and like that’s our thing, a happy medium between coasts with big cities but small towns too and generally just very chill and nice ,,,,,,,, the south of the US is also known for having that “southern hospitality” overall very cheerful ppl with personality and super kind attitude on life :) now the west of the US i’m not saying there aren’t nice ppl out there bc there are LOL but esp near lost angeles or hollywood ofc you’re going to have ppl very stuck up bc ya know they made it to big bad LA and they want to be trendy with all of the fake health shit (celery juice does NOTHING FOR U sorry lol) generally my view of the west is just very fake and i would never want to have my family grow up there LMAO but that generally like, california and washington but like, utah or wyoming or colorado are just absolutely gorgeous and they have small town ppl there bc there are a lot of ranches there ,,,,,,,, does any of this make sense to u ??? KLASFJ 

i’m going to skip a few paragraphs bc this is so long already LMAO but trust me i’ve read everything so far lol ; it seems like you’re doing a lot of traveling !!!!!! <3 i’m so jealous !!!!!!!! italy sounds so beautiful i would love love to go some day :( ALSO U SMELLED THE BLUEBELL PERFUME RIGHT ???? U LIKED IT ?????? doesn’t it smell absolutely divine??? no matter how many scents i smelled after that i knew it was the right one for me ldkfsdlkfj <3 i’m still so in love with it ;____; also about ur lil rant about feeling lonesome :( bub i can really relate to this and i feel the same way like my mom and the rest of my family never pushed me to meet anyone and i’ve always never had a problem making friends, but like, as i’m older and i realize i’ll be alone a lot more of my time once i graduate like i really do want to share my life with someone :( i have a lot of love and i want to be able to show it to someone i care about a lot but i just never really take the initiative to do that bc quite honestly i’m not confident in myself lMAO so ,,,,,,, i know we never feel like we need to be dependent on someone but sharing experiences with someone who feels very strongly for u seems nice, doesn’t it? i wish this for both of us really soon okay?? <3 i tell my friends i would LOVE to be engaged right now lskdjfslfjs :’)

but anyways !!!!!!!! my mom and the rest of my family is doing well <3 and i’m doing okay too !!!!!! i don’t want to bore u with how clinicals are going but if u want me to tell u just let me know LOL and angel i know i say it all the time but always thank u so much for being patient with me okay? u are the absolute best !!!!!! also as promised, here are a few pics of my dorm room LOL it’s a shoebox but it’s my shoebox :) enjoy !!!!!! 

[etudaire]

The 5 finger students and coping with crappy exams and surviving the finals wrath

Some of you might be knowing that my exams are currently going on (tomorrow the the last paper yay) and that I have been struggling with them too.

After giving 5 papers out of which 2 went absolutely horrible, and the rest didn't go "awesome" either, I realised some deep ish about exams and stuff.

So how do I do well in my exams when there's a shit ton of portion to cover and I'm a lazy ass?

Prepare in advance. I was lucky enough to get a 10 day vacation just before my exams, and being the potato that I am, I freaking wasted it. And it was my worst mistake ever.

Make thousands of lists. About? The topics you know and the topics you do not know and the topics you think are important and the topics which your friends think are important and the topics which aren't important at all and the tiny bits that your teachers revealed when teaching (if you were paying attention).

Actually sit and study. And by that I do not mean stare at your textbooks and telekinetically absorb the information into the deepest hemispheres of your brain. By study, I mean 3 things :

Active reading. This might help with that: https://m.youtube.com/watch?t=578s&v=K4Tn4tv836A

Reviewing /revision of topics you already know

Explaining the topic to someone else so that the info is engraved in your mind

You should be able to solve past year and practice papers easily the night before your exams. That's the kind of shit that helps you ace tests.

But I wasted my time and the test is tomorrow and I'm panicking what to doooo?

Step 1 : breathe. Scoring a little less wouldn't (literally, at least) kill you.

Step 2 : make a list of each and every topic that's a part of your exam portion.

Step 3 : check off the topics you don't even know existed. Since we do not have a lot of time, we'll stick to studying the stuff we have an idea about.

Step 4 : analyse what's important. You don't want to waste like 30 minutes understanding a topic which probably will come for half a mark in your test. Prioritise what can get you maximum marks and plan accordingly.

Step 5 : study. Active reading again, you need to drill these things in your mind.

Try to find a pattern between all past year papers, see if there is a topic they've always put pressure on, find out Chapters which might give your more marks and study that first.

Do not, under any circumstances pull an all nighter. It's the day before your test, you need to sleep or else you'll collapse in the examination hall. (take advise from potato - chan, she's experienced this shit too many times)

What was that 5 finger thingy you said potato - chan?

That, my kids, is what I observed in the past 1000 years of my student life. * cackles like an old granny *

You must have heard this : all five fingers are not the same.

(understand this metaphor okay I felt like a queen when I thought of it)

Just like our 5 fingers, we have five types of students. And none of them are same.

The forefinger :

Always follows rules

Doesn't have difficulty in understanding stuff because it comes to them naturally

Is the teacher's pet

Is a bright af student

Cries when they cannot get something right

Are the ones receiving most of hate from the class because they're the goody two shoes who's awesome at studying and teachers and parents love them

Usually friendless

The forefinger students are the ones most of us are jealous of, because they get stuff right in the first try, their brains are sharp and they're like the epitome of a perfect student. Doesn't bunk classes, pays attention, sits on the first bench yadda yadda.

The middle finger :

Doesn't give a shit about rules

Practically the opposite of forefinger

Secretly cares for grades a lot

Defies the teacher

Surprisingly does well enough in class

Knows shit but doesn't show it

Under no circumstances will they take stress before exams and will just go "fuck it" and sleep instead of cramming stuff into their head

Teachers do not like them, but can't say anything cuz their scores aren't bad

Considered as "cool" by the class collectively

The middle fingers aren't necessarily the gangster types, they do care about their grades and their career. In fact, they're good at this studying thing. But they do not like the school system and will try to rebel against it. They will be the ones who can help you at 2 in the morning, because they legit don't mind anything!!

The ring finger :

Is considered as an average student

Tries really hard to study and understand concepts

Legit the most hard working students become they know they need to put in extra effort in order to get things right

Friendly and helpful

Are sometimes ignored by the teachers

Are the ones dealing with the most horrible shit in their life but they're good at hiding it

Dreamy, secretly romantic

Isn't an average student at all because potato - chan thinks that students who work hard and actually care about their grades are the best kind!

Are disappointed in themselves a lot

The ring fingers aren't average at all, they just have a low self esteem and probs confidence problems. They work super hard, care a lot about everyone and everything. They deserve to be happy, because they have a lot going on in life. Sometimes they cannot cope with life's shit, Which makes them even more depressed, and these little babies need a good ass friend to help cheer them up. Honestly ring fingers are just kinda lonely and need love (come to potato - chan she's got lots of hugs for you)

The little fingers :

Get bad grades constantly

Do not care much about grades because they wanna become filthy rich by stealing gold from the jungles of Amazon (yes, kids like these exist)

Are scolded by teachers and parents

Have many friends

Feel bad about their score a lot but do not attempt to change that

Procrastinating at its finest

Stare at the book for hours and consider it studying

Do not know that today is the exam

Omg which paper is it today??

The little fingers aren't necessarily the "bad" type of students, they're just distracted. They know they need to pay more attention in class, they know that they need to study, they know their grades are important but that's it. They worn act on it, because something deep inside them is stopping them from being that model student that they totally can be. It's probs peer pressure or the fear of not fitting in, but the little fingers gotta gather their shit together because that's the only way how they'll be able to get things done.

The thumbs :

Support system for the entire class

Ready to help 24 x 7

The class is actually empty without them

Are more focused on helping others rather them themselves

End up teaching others when they're supposed to study

Are the ones who call others at midnight and ask them to sleep and say that everything will be fine

Are angels

Do not know how to say no

Get stuck sometimes but are unable to ask for help

Teachers like them

Get good scores mostly

Are happy when others ace tests more than when they do

Cry if their friends failed /friend is in problem

The thumbs are honestly angels, but they need to know that saying "no" I'd an option. They need to take care of themselves also, because they matter a lot. They try their best to please everyone, but are actually lonely little fairies. If potato - chan finds a thumb, she'll keep them forever, wrap them up in blankets and read to them.

Many of you might be a combination of these types, and I'm not criticising any type of student. The forefinger is as good as the thumb, because ultimately anybody can score high if they're disciplined and motivated, granted they give it some time and effort.

Go ahead, figure out what you really want to do, as I mentioned gazillion times already, make a list and get on with it. One bad test won't define your future, but your willingness to change your future will.

[therewas-a-girl]

Hey i love the insight you give to Oliver and im not so lucky to be an analytical (😬😊) and was wondering what does Oliver trusting himself have to do with him not telling Felicity? And what does Felicity mean when she says she understands now because of Billy? Those scenes have me very confused.

okay, anon here i am, finally. im so sorry for the  late reply, but i’ve had a couple of bad days preceded by some worse weeks T_T, and i’m in the middle of exams * T_T harder* , so free time is essentially not here for me.

BUT i’m on my break now - 

SO!

first of all, thank you! i find it  a little bit surprising tbh, cause i never saw myself as very analytical - i just sort of obsess over details and some things seem to make sense only to me?  or i just don’t know how to express them clearly enough. but im going to try my best, i promise. but don’t take me at my word, cause honestly, even as i write this, im still trying to understand this myself, so i’ll just… take with with a grain of salt

im going to take up the easy one first: felicity. mostly because, where felicity’s ‘i understand now because of Billy’, of all things, is concerned, my reaction is basically this :

im just not here for it, and i dont care to bullshit my way into circular meta/rationalization over it, because the subtext of it as an idea alienates and, frankly, enrages me.

Oliver… 

So, the first thing i thought when i heard Oliver say, ‘i dont trust myself’ is the fact that, this whole conviction he has right now (that he enjoyed killing, and that everything that is and went wrong in his life, stems form this truth he hid from himself)is based on his supposed clarity about himself and his nature that he gained when he was holed up and tortured by Adrian for 7 days. Aka, not to be trusted.

my messy reasoning goes kind of like this: 

in the flashbacks, we saw Felicity tell him that she still felt like he didn’t trust her, or anyone.  That she didn’t understand why, and ‘maybe you don’t understand why either’. Leaving us with the hint  that, until he does, and deals with it, he will keep making the same choices. 

Oliver did not contradict her - which makes me think he, in part, agreed with her. 

(the writers use characters for this kind of ‘truth exposition’ thing, so i’m guessing they wanted to tell is that yes, Oliver does think this, and doesn’t understand this about himself*) 

so he has this insecurity, this… missing understanding about himself. A secret, so to speak. A truth about himself that he is so afraid of, that he has buried it so deep inside that is not even buried; It’s suppressed at this point. Which is why he didn’t understand himself. 

Adrian kidnaps him. 

Now, i thought it important to remember that he is the villain. (and here is where the text and my interpretation of it mix a little) Adrian is super smart and intuitive about people, and also - important! - a lawyer. He knows how to ask questions, how to lead people on. All the while Oliver was there, Adrian was in his suit, walking back and forth like in front of  a jury, totally calm, asking one leading question after another; plus a lovely side dish of torture, because why not trigger all the lovely trauma. 

And he got what he wanted. He got Oliver to tell him exactly what he wanted to hear!

Basically Adrian made Oliver look at his deepest fear, and admit it as truth. (and it’s not that i think the whole ‘i liked it’ about killing is a lie. but i think its more complicated than ‘you’re a dangerous crazy person who enjoys killing. who knows what you might do’) . A truth that Oliver has, apparently, always known on a subconscious level. Something he has  never faced but always feared. 

(which is, ironically, what makes it so easy to believe. It’s always a lot easier to believe the bad things about ourselves - but even more so when you take into account how self-deprecating Oliver is. hello depression how are you?)

This truth he admitted has been behind his every hesitation, his every insecurity. The fear that goes kind of like this: ‘You are a bad person because you did horrible things, monstrous things, and it’s not that you’re not sorry. You  liked it’.  

To someone like Oliver, whose sense of morality, right and wrong, is mostly internal, personal, (but also informed by conventional understanding of good and evil ) and who relies on ideals, motivations, reasons, to help him navigate his daily life, this is basically shattering the ground he walks on.

Oliver has always seemed to me like he needed to believe that his actions were right. Extreme, but justifiable, doing the right thing. (i remember his whole speech in s1 when he made an offer to John about joining him. about how the rich people of Starling were stepping on the city’s throat and not caring who they hurt and if nobody was going to stop them, then ‘its going to be me’. it was to fulfill a promise, a duty - something he sometimes even seemed to resent. but to do that, he had to believe he was doing the right thing, though in flawed ways) 

…that he didn’t even think were that flawed since, in season 1, he was having some SERIOUS adjustments issues when it came to adapting to civilian life. Every time he went out there, he was ‘kill or be killed’ mentality of a war-zone, which had been his reality for 5 years. Took some time to shake that off and even be able to see that he didn’t have to kill to survive. (and holy shit am i digressing)

Now, it seems to me that Oliver took this admission when he was in that cell, and did not stop to examine the ‘why-s’ and ‘how-s’, or even doubt the conclusion Adrian led him to, based on who was ‘holding his hand’ trying to get him there. Because Oliver says it himself - ‘Adrian did not make me a killer’. He frees this truth from circumstance completely. (either the circumstances of his admission, or even, before that, his behavior/violence) 

I don’t even think circumstances matter to him; they’d probably sound like justifications and he’d feel even worse for trying to justify himself, when he thinks so lowly of himself. 

Obviously Felicity puts it in far better context than he is capable - or rather, willing -  to do, reminding him, in 5.20, of things that he maybe knows to be true, but that he thinks have no bearing on his actions, or his judgement of himself. (’Five years in hell did that. Five years dealing with this city’s worst criminals did that’). She immediately gives him context, that Oliver probably feels either guilty for considering, or like it has no bearing, because he still chose murder, and who does that? Bad people who are not to be trusted. The kind of people he used to kill, in fact. (a belief reinforced by the accidental murder of Billy Malone, actually, while we’re at it. Like, in Oliver’s head it probably sounds like this: ‘if you weren’t so fucking monstrous and a murderer, Malone would still be alive’.)

The crux of the question seems to be the clash (a push and pull) between the love and compassion he is capable of, all the good parts of him, moral parts (and judgments); and the violence he knows he is capable of. (and righteousness, the satisfaction he felt while enacting that violence.**). 

He probably thinks that this ‘truth’ Adrian ‘showed’ him/led him to, is something he’s “known” all along, but just been too much of a coward to admit to himself. 

Like, suddenly that ‘unknown reason why he doesn't trust anyone’ has a logic, and a clear definition. He was afraid to face it, but now he does, and it makes perfect sense! He is the problem! He doesn’t trust himself because – the goodness (to simplify it) inside him, the part of him that feels guilt now, never let him get close to people he loved, even though he wanted to, even though he needed them. It always made him hesitate, because essentially, he was protecting everyone around him, instinctively, from what he knows to be violent and dark inside him. 

He also lied to himself and others he got involved with (John and Felicity, for starters)  about why he was doing what he was doing. That he is no better than the people he used to murder, and he even got his best friends involved 

and he forgets that his ability to feel all this guilt over this kind of thought is, essentially, what makes him so different, and sets him apart from this person he is so afraid he is. 

EDIT: i almost forgot that you asked me about how this relates to Oliver not telling Felicity about William - and I’m guessing, it’s not specifically about William. That omission was generalized as a lack of trust, and this ^^ whole thing, seems to be aimed to explain why. I think Oliver thought she would for sure explode in his hands, a conviction fueled by Barry’s ‘you broke up’ idea. And that he thought she would for sure leave him, not love him enough to forgive him? Not love him enough, essentially, because why would she? 

The feeling of being a failure for missing out on his son’s life (were it anyone else, i wouldn’t say he takes this blame too on his shoulders, because its so clearly Moira’s and Samantha’s doing for keeping him away, but this is Oliver! Of course he would) probably added to the guilt and the certainty that he wasn’t good enough for her to hang around. 

A self fulfilling prophecy, in truth, and a also a deep misunderstanding of Felicity’s character. More than the lie/omission, i find this, the reason behind it, to be Oliver’s real mistake. 

A mistake of course that is, sadly, in character, because Oliver has historically had trouble believing that the people he loves actually love him back. Which leads us back to ‘why would they’, and the reason why he thinks that, which is basically that he thinks he’s a shit person not worthy of anyone’s love. Not always, but most of the time.

It’s such a BRILLIANT manipulation really, because on someone who is like Adrian, this kind of lie wouldn't work! (Adrian killed his wife. In cold blood. he has exactly zero problems being the way he is.) 

It takes someone like Oliver for this  to work. Someone who is essentially ALL HEART. Who is kind and good and who, on a deep human level, abhors the violence that was done to him and that he has done to others, despite knowing that ‘it is a violent world and - as the world has taught him - it only responds to violence.’ It takes someone moral enough that, even while enacting murder, even while feeling that killing evil men was good, would still know it is wrong. And hate himself for it. For being capable of it, for looking at the world in the  face and thinking it is necessary. 

You can be led to think something is necessary, and still hate it. I think Oliver is an idealist, so it fits that he would hate having to lower himself to the level of nastiness the world around him responds to. (it’s so good for him that he is a mayor, actually. he can affect change, without employing ‘talents’ that came to him though pain and loss and tragedy. skills - violence - that he probably hate using by now, at this point in his journey) 

I really hope I’m making at least some kind of sense. Im sure this is like, only a portion of what is really going on with Oliver; or an angle into it? idk… 

Personally, when I imagine Oliver’s mind, I usually think of him floating on the surface of a really deep lake. And this lake is his personality/psyche, the exploration of which has been affected by his history. Said history has been such that he has explored corners of this lake that to most people, remain obscure all their lives. This is not a good or bad thing. it chance. Some people are pushed to the extremes and learn new things about themselves. Some never have to. Oliver was pushed, and he knows the depths of this lake, the hidden caves, the scary wildlife in the dark. It’s not like he went to those depths because he wanted to - but that doesn’t matter. What he saw there, he cannot unsee, unlearn***. 

Now he is on the surface again - but he knows the geography of himself. Most people whose feet dont touch the soil think the depth goes a couple of feet more. Oliver knows it doesn’t. And he knows that, if necessary, he could go to those depths again, if he has to. 

I mean, people rarely know what they’re capable of in extreme situations. Most people think choices made in these kinds of cases reveal you. And Oliver thinks those choices revealed a killer. And despite how balmy the surface waters are, he knows that down there it’s ugly so, he puts up these limits. You get to swim up to here where its safe, but not further out. Even if you want to. Felicity totally wanted to know all about him, but Oliver thought, wow no. Down there its ugly and gross and if she sees that, she will not just leave. She will also hate me. And to Oliver, being someone who feeds so much on the opinions of the people he loves - that  is basically his worst nightmare. I swear some of his most radical actions have been because he was so resistant to someone he cares about thinking badly of him. 

Anyways, this got ridiculously long. 

* the next time anyone tells me Arrow is good representation for someone with PTSD and mental illness, I’m gonna fucking FIGHT that person, because this is prime example of these asshole writers mystifying this illness. Why, you might ask. Because Oliver’s trust issues can directly and unequivocally be traced to his trauma. Its not that hard. it is not a mystery and treating it as such, and making everyone around him ignorant of this simple fact, demonizes (so to speak) his condition, instead of ‘representing’ it in any positive way. 

At this point Oliver’s isolation is beyond logic - or suspense of logic. As of right now there are two soldiers, two geniuses and a cop on his team! it makes them all into either idiots, or nasty, cause they have either trained to expect this (Dinah, as a cop, i imagine knows what PTSD is) or been through it (John, Rene) or are fucking geniuses who can fucking google (Felicity, Curtis). By now even nonexistent baby Sara would be able to understand the reasons behind Oliver’s patterns of behavior. It is not rocket science AND EVEN IF IT WAS - FUCKING GENIUSES IN THE HOUSE???!!!

I’m just so tired of Oliver’s trauma and violent re-traumatization being used (exploited) and some ‘so hard to understand’ baffling plot point, instead of being dealt with.

** I dont think Oliver ever stopped to consider that his life during those five years was hell, and that that means a lot of things. It means that it was out of control for a long time. that he was prey for a long time. and that it is absolutely normal to feel a sort of satisfaction when you are not the prey anymore. and that its normal to feel good when you ‘replace evil with death’ like he did in season 1. and that plenty of veterans would be able to tell him that soldiers hate war and t lohe ve war too, and that this is what happens when you live in this… almost liminal violent reality for so long. we are human and we adapt to whatever we have to, to survive. 

***I actually think this is what’s happening with Felicity too, only instead of a lake, with Felicity I imagine a road. Like those that stretch through the desert. She only sees this one road and she is so sure that she has to walk it, because it feels righteous to her. Necessary. 

Oliver and John though, they know where that road leads. They know that the choices she will make along the  way that will feel necessary - that they may even BE necessary - but she may eventually regret making them. Because this extreme, ruthless clarity she’s living, and which they have lived, pushes away all reasons why some things are wrong, but those reasons, John and Oliver know, eventually (if you’re lucky) will come back. And the  choices made during that time might give Felicity insight into things she is capable of that she is probably going to hate. And hate herself for making them. 

And they’re just trying to warn her that this road she is walking on is literally the middle of nowhere. That there are no stop signs to tell her when she’s gone too far and that she will know only when she is too deep in it, and she will hate herself for it, just like they hate themselves for some of the things they  have done, that they wish they  never had to do. 

I’m going with this interpretation, instead of the weirdly sexist-vibe of ‘you’re too pure to be fucking human’ angle.