#which is a little less bad i suppose
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To be honest my main problem with the Renfield movie is the fact that it's a comedy, because Ren as a character is so rarely taken seriously (which we learned from DD, thanks guys) despite his entire arc being extremely tragic and cruel. He is a character that deserved to be taken seriously and treated with respect, but the fact that the movie is written to be a comedy has me worried that they'll try to make jokes out of things they really shouldn't and end up downplaying or mocking his suffering even if it's unintentional. It just seems like this movie could go south real fast, which I hope it doesn't, because a lot of it does seem promising. I hope the writers can tell when to reel the comedy in, and there weren't too many tasteless jokes in the trailer that I saw, but man I dunno, I'm not really sure why they chose Renfield of all characters to make a comedy movie about.
#not to say that it can't work I'm just not optimistic about it#and also not to say that a movie about Ren needs to be Dark And Depressing#i just hope they treat him with some respect is all#tired of the 'crazy' character in any given media being mocked by the story and the audience alike#scribble scribbles#scribe watch#also i don't want to hate on this movie cuz I do think it looks ok#but im not overly excited for it#just trying to articulate my thoughts#i do also have problems with the romance plot#it def has 'queer man is saved from his Evil Demonic Gay partner by a nice Girl vibes'#but from what i gathered from the trailer they're having ren be bi/pan rather than just making him straight#which is a little less bad i suppose#hopefully that's done in a respectful way too#that's really my main point i just want my boy to get some respect#also please have him not just be and Anxious Sad Boi#like if they could focus on his psychosis/delusions too that would slay but they probably won't
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there's no way the bathroom at peppino's pizza is actually that big but ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ . hey ummm anyway.... i care them...... anyway there's a lil ramble on my take on fake pep's like psyche or whatever in tags on the og post if ur into that kinda thing :y
hey! it's a series! fake peppino world tour: [noise] [noisette] [peppino]<- u are here [gustavo] [gerome] [noisette again]
#ramble after realtags yeag. shoutout to serrangelic btw suggesting the silhouettes thing bc i would have Died otherwise#pizza tower#peppino spaghetti#fake peppino#gustavo and brick#arting#pizzaposting#so anyway i think fake peppino has like. a general awareness that he is supposed to Be Peppino and that he was Made to do that#and likewise he does generally try to...do that. the thing he does NOT realize is hes like really goddamn bad at it#not to be mean but like...c'mon. they are pretty distinctly different kinds of guys even beyond the physiology yknow.#he's neither on-brand nor fooling anyone dsjdsjjkgfsd. BUT!#since the rest of the cast generally likes him [at least as I play it] he thinks hes doing just fine#he's like 'oh they r happy with me so i must be getting a good grade in being peppino :)'#so getting told that 'yeah you actually really suck at that but that was never the reason people liked you'#and told that by og model peppino no less--yknow THE guy he's supposed to be living up to#who's already a bit intimidating for that and who ALSO totally wrecked him TWICE in the tower#making him acutely familiar with just how formidable the guy is and how much there IS to live up to....#it's a Moment for sure. not really a sad or hurt one though. just... contemplative.#thinking abt people liking him for being the guy he's already naturally been being even though that guy is Not Peppino#i don't think he's gonna be super broken up about realizing he has a bad grade in peppino given everything else hes got now#nor do i really think he cares enough to go like reinvent himself or whatever after the fact#he seems to b pretty clearly having fun with it already so i think he just keeps doing that#and in some cases he still has the pre-installed peppino traits/instincts like to cooka da pizza. and that's fine#is this projection. yes. but if youve been following me awhile you know most of my character writing is ghdhfdgf#gonna kinda expand on all this in the gerome one which is...one after next. itll be a bit but man.#anyway peppino will never admit to anyone and especially not himself that he's gotten a little attached to the guy. hee hoo#pep tends to be kinda surly but he certainly has his ways of showing he cares. all of which are on display here#''that thing is not my son'' says man currently watching thing's antics with the 'bemused dad' arms crossed pose. yeah ok buddy.#gus is totally onto him already but hes not gonna say anything.#if u read all this ur prize is not having to go decode fp's rot13. his lines are ''meant to be you...?'' and ''wrong question.''
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you know, i always find it really funny when dudebros complain about syndicate and odyssey being too "jokey" or not "taking its characters seriously" or whateverā¦
like, did y'all collectively sleep through "it's-a me, mario!", "i meant besides vaginas", ezio inventing the latte, bartolomeo's... just... *gestures vaguely* entire character, etc?
like, it's fine to have preferences of course, i myself prefer a more serious and grounded tone, but these are usually the same people who tout the ezio trilogy as "peak assassin's creed", call ac1 a glorified tech demo and hate on connor for being "too serious and boring", like? make it make sense!
#asscreed#ac syndicate#ac odyssey#dont get me wrong#i do have problems with syndicate and even more so with odyssey#but it's not the tone lol#honestly i think kassandra is the protagonist that's the most similar to ezio if you really think about it#but bc she's a woman she's suddenly 'overpowered' and 'unrealistic'#yall don't remember the insane things that ezio survives in revelations do you#speaking of which#been replaying the ezio games lately#and i have something to confess...... i really don't think ac2 is good#ac brotherhood was a BIG improvement#in terms of story pacing for one (none of those insane unmotivated time jumps... well aside from the strange montage at the end)#and the characters are a lot more fleshed out (probably bc there aren't like 20 of them)#and the handling of female characters is MUCH less egregious#maybe bc there's only really claudia and caterina left LOL#lucrezia is a little annoying i guess... but she gets a pass bc she's cesare's sister and really they're the same kind of crazy lol#and hey we actually get to see how dangerous sex work can be and how it's not just a way for sexy nuns to give inner peace to men#even cristina gets fleshed out!#and i like that we get so see ezio being a little bit of a selfish prick in her missions#and making bad decisions in interpersonal relationships#at least i THINK that's what we're supposed to take away from it... but who knows maybe it's just supposed to be a tragic love story...#i hope not.... i hope the player IS supposed to think that ezio's treatment of her is bad. otherwise.... :/#sorry for rambling#guess im just kinda surprised by how much i enjoyed brotherhood#it had been a long time since i last played it#also the modern day is really good!#that you can talk so much to everyone and also being able to read their emails and the mundane banter... idk i just think its neat :)
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these two pictures are what got me into doll collecting as a hobby at the tender age of 12... i'm not that attached to the concept of "grails" bc i consider most everything i want of equal importance, to a degree, but these two are probably my biggest grails
#this same person (@yukittie on flickr btw) owned pullips which were perfect for me bc they cost less than ball-jointed dolls LMAO#and ofc pullips opened up a whole new dimension of obsession for me... i have so many memories of reading age inappropriate fiction about#random dolls on pullipfiction.com which is ofc defunct now... i can barely believe how much and how little has changed all at once#my main inspos for doll collecting were this user. gardenofmoons... maaikeh1 who ran pullip fiction... and poison girl LMAO#i watched so many pullip collection and faceup tutorials on yt during that era.... i genuinely miss it i won't lie to you#anyways diary entry over i suppose i just wanted to share. i have always loved edgy grunge camp skeevy lowbrow bad taste type stuff#and i think that started around this time + this was when i was very into imvu (the game AND the forums where i got into anime roleplaying)#ah the grooming................ well. alas#still don't think i'd change any of it
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and then an overwhelming sense of dread apear.
#finished my last exam for this year YAY YIPPEE YAHOO ETC. but also now we wait for if i pass or not DREAD FEAR WARINESS ETC.#which i rlly don't think i will like. did not feel good abt the 1st exam period felt worse abt the 2nd and this one is like.....idk idk...#pretty confident abt the books part of the exam bc i KNOW i got everything on that correct but the thing is it was an oral exam and i was#stumbling over my words so bad + my voice was quivering i could hear it. hoping they don't count that as minus points but for the speech#thing i also had to do 2day they DO include how your voice sounds when you speak and like stammering and such in the final point count so#like. what if it's the same there.....ALSO they include use of gesturing to emphasize what you're saying and CORRECT EYE CONTACT in the#final point count. which. i don't have a problem with gesturing & i had a piece of paper in my hands so at least i wasn't too bad on that#front but when it comes to eye contact it's only flitting eyes or unnerving stare with me and nothing in between so i'm completely fucked i#that regard.#r.txt#WHATEVER it's done now. stupid ass weird rules WHO CARES if i don't have correct usage of eye contact what even is correct usage of eye#contact?????? like HOW am i supposed to know what the quote correct amount unquote is man. ALSO WHO GIVE A SHIT.#anyway going 2 luxembourg with my family for two weeks on august 5th probably. maybe sooner maybe later. we're going hiking + camping āŗš²š£#but the hiking is mostly done without backpacks and the camping is gonna be in campings. camping places. however english calls it.#which is a little less fun but also easier. but also less fun. but ANYWAY we're going on vacation and my final exam is done so no more#stress šŖš„³šš£š„ā¼ (<- guy who's SO gonna be still having stress until the results come in. and then some afterwards. yay 4 me šš)
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I just have to remind myself sometimes that no matter what anyone else says, the way a piece of media makes me feel and the positive impact it has had on my queer identity is valid, and that tearing myself apart thinking I have to defend it or questioning my own place within queer communities is not at all important when compared to the almost tangible sense of 'rightness' that piece of media helped me to feel about myself.
#just something i've been pondering the last few days#kind of like no matter how much people debate or i suppose theoretically deconstruct media featuring queer stories#the most important thing is how it makes a queer person feel#and I do think it is of course a good thing to ensure queer stories are executed with respect and authenticity#but there's this grey area in fandom spaces in which people may have found rep from a 'unreliable' source i suppose#or something which is queerbaiting- sherlock springs to mind for example yet if people have been able to explore and nurture their own#queerness through that media does that therefore mean their experience is invalid? i don't think so#and my worry is the more we focus on theory the less we focus on emotion and therefore the actual queer experience itself#and sure theory can inform the queer experience and ensure the media is a 'healthy' site of queer identity formation and identity aid#but at the same time scorning or being rude to those who have found certain media an aid is not the right approach to be taking#especially as queer experiences are so wide ranging that one person's idea of 'good' representation is someone's else's of 'bad'#and that unless a piece of media is clearly offensive in its portrayal of queer experience there has to be some benefit of doubt#I think we're still in a period of progression in media espc tv where queer creators are coming to the fore of their own stories#and we've got to 'live and let live' a little about where people are finding sights of queer validation and joy#and perhaps this a naive and simplistic way of thinking but i think queer people can either recognise when something isn't the best rep#but was helpful for them anyway and therefore in a way confer 'ownership' of the media to themselves in how they engage#or there is variety in queer experiences represented in media so that perhaps not everyone finds a 'site' of rep but that does not#therefore invalidate it or make it 'bad' representation#this is just my opinion and it'd be hypocritical for me to not now mention this is only formed from my own queer experience lol#so i'm not trying to tell anyone how to feel or anything just something i'm pondering
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Don't tell my mom but this new puppy loves me the most
#her name is lacey she's a bichon and we brought her home sunday#she's supposed to be support for my mom's disability but she is obsessed w me#im not even trying to make her love me especially. she just does ššš#if i had to guess she feels protected by me bc she sees me mediate between her and dickens who she is afraid of#dickens is being a very gentle boy w her#which he NEVER is bc he's a big dumb oaf#but yeah the thing is no matter how gentle he is. he's still 42 lbs and she's less than 5 currently#she's never seem a dog larger than another bichon so naturally she's intimidated by his size#he wants to play w her so bad#tales from diana#actually just now kaily and i took them both outside on leashes and i kept her on another side of the yard#and she was watching him (unobserved by him) from a distance and started walking towards him#and gesturing like she wanted to play! so kaily brought him over and they jumped up and down a little#oh it was so wonderful! that was their first time really playing. dickens tried to initiate play once or twice but it scared her#ive tried to get her used to being in the same room as dickens and just nearer and nearer so she's comfy#and she can see that he doesn't mean any harm toward her.#he's a big dumb oaf but he's friendly and he likes you baby girl#again ive never seen dickens so patient and gentle w anything in his life. it's heartwarming#and he finally has another friend which is great. he's obsessed w other dogs
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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hmmm checo having a two year extension is strange to me but i havenāt sorted all my thoughts out yet
#f1#checo perez#silly season 2024#like 2?? not just 1???? hmmmmmmmmmmm#also this after estie bestie yesterday?? itās kinda giving force india 2018 im ngl#i miss my girlfriend tho š liam when will you return and take your rightful seat on either rb team š„ŗ#and yuki too???? iām thinking thoughts and idk if heās ready for partnering max bc that would invite i think a little too much criticism#which would be Bad for him in many ways#but still rip to the boyfriends š#ALTHOUGH. i will say. checo is a good driver and i feel many people are forgetting that. heās a stable presence and can for sure give good#feedback to the engineers. perhaps w adrian newey drama theyāre not willing to risk other factors? not a bad decision necessarily#esp bc if the car does fall apart next year (as i pray it will š)#checo and max are at least stable and will be able to survive most of it hopefully#unlike a rookie (liam) or a less experienced driver (yuki)#i am still thinking thoughts on this tho!! itās a funny one#and i suppose welcome to actual silly season! itāll probably happen rapidly if theyāre announcing checo right after estie yesterday
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#photos of my guitar my dad posted to his blog years back when he bought it#itās the most beautiful guitar in the world. it feels warm and alive to play#as you can see in the first two pics it used to have a newer pickup installed on the bottom. luckily he found an era appropriate online#itās from 82 if you were curious#it says squire on the headstock but it was made on the fender line. they bought squire out and swapped in the name soon after this#but he got it a little cheaper than it was worth at the time because people arenāt as autistic as him and donāt know about production lines#basically it wasnāt brand name#basswood body and dark rosewood on the neck šāļø#itās actually a replication of a ā62 model! which was 20 years old at the time. mines now twice that. isnāt that incredible#i actually saw a modern fender replication of this exact model in an op shop yesterday#for more or less exactly how much this was bought for#dad finished his blog post by saying he thinks this is better made than the original. and despite not knowing the og iām inclined to agree#people in the comments of his post are saying that this era was supposed to be something special. hehe. theyāre right#iāve played many guitars. i own this one because my dad collects them and he let me try them all out#and i have a lot of friends who play guitar and ive hung out with them to do so#and iāve never felt one like mine before or since. itās so obviously beautiful#when i picked it out i hadnāt played much but i knew right away how good it was. i prefer strat bodies because i can hug my torso around#them without getting poked like a tele and the necks are thinner than acoustics (small hands. bad)#unless weāre talking parlour#love a wee parlour. pa has a little one he got for 30 bucks thatās one of my favourites of his#heās insanely good at finding deals#he fixes them all up#anyway. the body feels#how would you even describe it#heavy. and alive. warm and wet and still full of sap#i feel like itās breathing#itās sort of the only thing that motivates me to be better. i could cry just thinking about it. i want to be good enough to play it
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i can't believe i never posted any of my snk fic. like. i have MULTIPLE NOTEBOOKS of handwritten stuff, and a LOT on my phone but like. i was into snk when i didn't have access to a computer. so almost none of this is typed and so thus also none of it was ever posted.
#shitpost#thinking of it because i have two of my notebooks stacked visibly rn because i am supposed to put the pages back in order#because they both fell apart so like i need to fix all the pages#and probably throw away all my military notes about all my signal crap#the thing that made me into snk is that i was actively at my military training while i was into it#and like it was relaxing to me to read about characters doing similar things also trapped in a military structure#or whatever.#anyways i had a few astronomically good ideas but they're trapped now unfinished and not fully formed and WRITTEN BY HAND#and really after i got out of my training hell i fell out of snk because it no longer was something i needed#because i was a guardsman. love that weekend warrior life.#but all this stuff is languishing and its just too bad#b/c some of it is SO good.#i had SUCH a good jeanmarco fic. and like the best time loop fic of all time dare i say.#and a few other ideas as well that were pretty good but i recall them a little less#because again i am just not into snk anymore. i was only into it for a few months but when i was i was SUPER into it#and had TONS of time to write.#in class. mostly. which is why a lot of it is interspersed with notes about radios and signal shit.#because i got through modules faster than the entire class and had to figure out how to slow myself down#because otherwise i had fuck all to do#someday i'll go through these notebooks and toss out the military shit and keep the snk shit#and hopefully be able to put the snk stuff in order. lol
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"Yup, I'm right here! See, you can touch me and everything!"
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Richard and Pascal friendship is something I didn't know I needed to write
#wips#richard windor#pascal#fan art#mine#brain decided 4 AM was a good time to resume the graces fixation and I've been going ever since#this is for the sequel to my long fic in which Richard has ANOTHER mental breakdown after something bad happens to Asbel and Sophie#Pascal cheers him up bc she's good at cheering people up. She's actually a very sweet and generous person beneath her carefree whimsy#Like that post battle scene where she tries to give Richard her staff bc she thinks he's jealous of it š#In this fic she's been helping him this whole time from escorting him through the Wallbridge ruins to aiding w the valkines crisis#He's shocked that he never truly realized how much she's been there for him bc normally she's so hard to miss š
#but his preoccupations w his other friends had been keeping him from making a new one until now#Richard needs someone to hold onto just as badly as Asbel needs someone to save#and here's Pascal radiating constant optimism and friendship just like Asbel did when they were kids#I hope I can write this as the beginnings of a beautiful friendship between them :)#I think Pascal could bring out his fun-loving side in a less trolling way than Malik and he can certainly support her endeavors#They're already swapping nicknames she's calling him 'Little Dickie' and he goes for 'Callie' in the moment š#there's room for romantic readings I suppose but I prefer platonic
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#Sevenās Public Diary#vent post#vent#cw vent post#cw vent#cw health#cw medical#cw medication#cw death#death mention#after nearly 2 weeks of unexplained pain and Symptoms and working myself up into the worst panic attack of my life#i finally caved and went to urgent care :)#itās not lost on me that the same thing happened a little over a year ago. not bc of the same symptoms but itās the same fear of dying#smthn smthn if i had a nickel smthn smthn weird that it happened twice. i rlly hope this doesnāt become a pattern#i can picture it now. every spring i walk in and theyāre like āugh itās the neurotic hypochondriac with 4 anxiety disorders again š#wonder what they think theyāre dying of this time!ā#sigh. anyways iām fine. probably.#the consensus was āno youāre Probably not gonna have a stroke and die. youāre just Very stressed and in a lot of pain.ā#got diagnosed with Stressed Guy Syndrome so now i take āØpainkillersāØ and āØmuscle relaxersāØ š#they wanted me to take a steroid shot too but that felt like overkill. itās also a big step for me to be willing to take anything at all#not bc iām scared of getting a shot in the neck iām just. scared of medication in general. the side effects. the potential for dependency.#itās only for a week but iām still uncomfy with it. but it Is nice to be in less pain. tho i have my doubts that itāll help long term#time will tell. but i still canāt shake the fear of the tiny chance that it Could be more serious. but itās not big enough for them to test#for it so. just gotta live with the fear. which in turn is making it hard to relax. which is what iām supposed to be doing. so.#anyways. i Hope the meds work and i donāt end up back there next week spending More money and seeking more treatment#sighhhh i just canāt catch a break these days. itās Always Something#at least the electricity and internet are back on after the tornado last week. and at least iām not in much pain for now. silver linings.#sorry to everyone iāve unintentionally ghosted but itās been hard to think through the pain and now the meds are making me eepy#hopefully iāll recover and recharge my social battery sooner than later. bc i do feel v bad abt it#and itās So nice to sleep without much pain so iām. taking advantage of that this week. Seven Try To Relax Challenge 2024
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Winn's (many) doodles
Bonus under the cut
#clemart#clemspaint#mac opsys#winn dos#ttcc#i think i will just tag these as ttcc they're so little that i feel bad spamming tags with it but also this is for categorizing on my page#the other toon resistance members are supposed to be rain good ol giggles and lord lowden but i drew this in less than 10 minutes with a#mouse so you really cant tell#anyways context is that on the cogs inc page where winn marks all over it . they put a doodle as one of the drawings#which then lead into a joke with my friends where winn has a bunch of doodles and i'll just put what i wrote in the server:#there's no doodles in ttcc because winn has every single one and they terrorize every toon resistance member as soon as they leave the room
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sometimes working together on a thesis is like *she cant do her tasks because sheās busy with following classes I guess thereās really nothing else she does* me: oh its fine I get it Iām busy too sometimes you know if I can help you with anything let me know:)) vs. *I canāt do all my tasks on time bc well i work six days in a week and spend three nights a week doing volunteer work and oh because my thesis partner is apparently once again busy with following classes I guess she dumped all her work on my lap* she: oh you should tell me next time if youāre busy cause these tasks are really important :/ you shouldnāt like let them wait so long
#like yeah bitch I know theyāre important thatās why I woke up early Monday morning to handle them but if you remember. I couldnāt cause you#did everything you were supposed to do wrong:)) and#then I skipped my lunch because that was the only time I could make free to fix it but couldnāt :)) bc apparently you didnāt even do it#wrong you just didnāt do it you copied it from someone else whose task wasnāt even remotely the same:)))#and like I get that following classes is important I get it but I literally looked up her schedule sheās got at least four half days a week#that she doesnāt have any classes. Iām making literally every minutes I have time to do these things and she canāt manage to make some time#in those four afternoons???? so she dumps them on my to do them all in the one day of the week I got free and have also other things to do#which forces me to literally not eat and sleep to be able to do them????????#Iām so pissed our meetings are literally like me: āoh yeah Iāve got an incredibly busy week but Iām sure if I just work longer in the#evening and sleep a little less then I can make an hour free every day to do these interviewsā#she: āthatās great that you can make time for that! I canāt cause Iāve got a class somewhere that day so can you do like all the work??ā#like if sheās gonna dump me for the statistical analysis Iām gonna literally destroy all the data in my wake good luck doing the actual work#all over again next year#sorry Iām probably overreacting#sheās not that bad but she also needs to shut up instead of criticising bc Iām not doing all the work fast enough while sheās āso busyā all#the fucking time#at least Iām doing the fucking work
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you don't have to read this is for screaming in the void
#trying to explain that i'm struggling without saying the big most important part of why i am struggling is .#like oh i'm struggling because uh . the issues. what are the issues? well . they are issues that i refuse to elaborate on#so it doesn't help anybody. but like how am i supposed to explain to my mom that the reason i've become so severely depressed is because#i'm suicidal. like oh btw ^-^ i hate the life you gave me and brought me into so bad that i want to die. but it's no big deal so don't worr#about it.#which like that wouldn't be how i meant it at all but of course that's also implied or something#which just makes me think of other things like that if things weren't so bad id be able to get help but help is inaccessible.#ughhhh i just hate this it's so agonizing. like cant things be a little less bad. i'm not having fun being like this and people are#reasonably irritated with me because only based on what i'm willing to tell just. isn't the full story at all and would obviously just.#not make sense because i'm leaving out major parts of what's happening and why.#and tbh i'm constantly going back and forth between like. coming out as suicidal. mainly because like. well. it kinda worrying me.#because for like months now i've almost daily been fighting off suicidal thoughts and often even having suicidal meltdowns#yesterday i was standing near a ceiling fan and was like hmm wouldnt it be nice if one of the blades came off and stabbed me through#the back of my skull and killed me. but then i thought no that would be too traumatizing for my family#as if me dying at all wouldn't be. which i also thought of. idk just thinking about the idea of#i want to live but not like this. because yeah. my mom said that she thinks reading bad news is why and it's like well . of course it is#but should i just stay completely unaware of what's happening in the world. but also bad news is just unavoidable#but yeah it is why i'm depressed. climate change racism homophobia transphobia covid wars economy etc like#these are things that i can't just. ignore? and am i seriously the crazy person for being upset about these things?#well she does think i'm crazy for still being scared of the dangerous virus that is currently the third leading cause of death in the us#like last night she was like ' it's good to be cautious but you're going over board' i'm friends with people who could die from covid.#'over board' i care about them and other people and i don't want them to die. i don't want to be permanently disabled by a virus with#a 20% chance every time i catch it to permanently damage my immune system and give me long covid. <- according to cdc#but whatever. i do genuinely want mental help. i think i need s different medication or a diagnosis bc uhmmm . i am unwell#but that's expensive.#i have an appointment with a doctor today for a med check because i don't think my ssri is working . obviously#as i am as you can tell absolutely overcome with severe and debilitating anxiety and depression. lolzors#whatever. except not because ouuuughhhgh <-unimaginable suffering#mypost
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