#which i why i wanna go to balls when covids over so i can meet the gays in my area

[bangfantanfic]

Our Own World: Chapter 4

Warnings: Mentions of anxiety, restrictions/COVID

Type: Hybrid/Yandere/Romance/Fluff/Angst

Authors Note: Hey~ again, so sorry I took so longI apologise! I hope you guys enjoy. As usual, I’d you’d like to be tagged for future updates, DM or comment 🥰

“As cases continue to rise officials have announced as of 12am tonight a nationwide lockdown will be enforced.” 

Six pairs of eyes were glued to the large screen, most of them worried-- yours however only showed off pure irritation. 

“-- in order to minimise rising case numbers President Moon announced a country wide travel ban. Non Korean residents will have paid flights back to their home country, Korean residents outside the country will not be let back in until further notice--” 

Your stomach plummeted. You're stuck here for as long as your brother is stuck in the Netherlands.. 

“Y/N?” 

You could hear the men around you calling out to you, but it sounded muffled, like your head was under water. 

The five men around you were panicking at your frozen state, you were like a statue-- even Jeongguk was unable to hide his worry.

Taehyung was sitting by your feet whining, his arms wrapped around his own torso. He had tried to hug your legs, wanting to provide some comfort to your shaking form but Namjoon had nudged him away, sending a warning look before crouching by your side and trying to pull your attention back. 

“Y/N, you need to breathe--relax.” He cooed, his hands balled into fists on his thighs. It was taking all his energy to not reach out and touch you, to hold you and promise everything was okay. “Jay will be fine, he’s safe with Mila.” 

Unfortunately, the boy's sweet attempts to console you only made you feel worse. They didn’t know you were panicking about being here longer. They thought you were worried for your brother's safety. 

But you were only worried about your own.

“Y/N, do you think I could come to the store with you?” Seokjin’s voice asked shyly, his hands tightly gripping one another. “I just thought since I know the boys well— and my ah, physical differences are easier to hide—“  

You raised an eyebrow, smirking at the babbling hybrid. You had grown much more confident with the polar bear hybrid, and even a few of the others thanks to being locked in 24/7. You had still yet to meet Hoseok and Yoongi, and Jeongguk was more than happy to keep as much distance from you as humanly possible, but otherwise, you were somewhat comfortable in your surroundings for once. 

The few occasions you were able to leave the house was to get groceries and other essentials, but otherwise being caught out of the house without solid reasoning would land you a hefty fine and you weren’t exactly financially stable enough to pay thousands of dollars. 

Your brother had been in contact with you, making sure the boys were all doing fine and that you were coping with the news and long term adjustment. He had been supplying you money, and you weren’t sure where he was getting it from. His clinic had been shut since he left the country so it wasn’t from there, but you were too deep in your self pity to question it.  

“Sure, I don’t see why no—“ 

“No fair. If Jin Hyung can go out I wanna too!” Taehyung whined, appearing from thin air. His dark hair hung over his eyes, still dripping from his shower. 

“Your tail is too noticeable.” Jin shrugged, wrapping a long arm over your tiny shoulders. 

The brunette glared at the blond, stomping over to pull you away. Lightly grabbing the pocket of your white hoodie and tugging you into his chest. You wriggled, trying to pull out of his grip but it only seemed to make it tighten. 

“You’re always selfish with her!” The younger complained, resting his chin on the crown of your head.

A dramatic groan came from behind you as Jin, no doubtedly, rolled his eyes at the monkey's words. “I can’t help it if I’m her favourite.” 

Taehyung stiffened. You could feel him grinding his teeth, the sound of his teeth dragging made you feel nauseous. 

“She doesn’t have favourites.” Namjoon cut in, carefully pulling you out of the monkey's arms and wrapping his own around your shoulder. “And Jin Hyung is right, your tail is too noticeable.” 

Taehyung’s wide eyes narrowed, his arms crossed over his chest. “You’re the only one who can’t keep it still!” He argued. 

Namjoon’s face flushed pink, his jaw jutting out. It was true. Like animals, hybrids often displayed their emotions and moods through tail movements, and while the others had passed with flying colours in emotional control, Namjoon had always struggled. 

“Be that as it may, we can’t risk it. Hyung will go with Y/N and help pick out foods best suited to each of us.” He said sternly, sounding confident despite the pink tinge to his round cheeks. 

You smiled apologetically at the monkey hybrid. He was clearly biting his tongue, arms tightly crossed and eyes squinting. 

“Fine. But when you get back Y/Nie is playing with me.” 

Grocery shopping had always been easy. You only had yourself to think of, but now you had seven others depending on you. You weren’t sure about allergies, or even just what everyone liked and disliked. 

You still needed to get around to those files… 

Thankfully your brother had left behind a card for shopping, knowing your pathetic bank account would ever be able to handle more than one shop. 

With Seokjin leaning on the handles of the shopping cart he directed you where to go, what to grab all while letting you browse and pick out your own snacks. 

“Yoongi and Hobi will be joining us tonight, I’ll need to get more meat. Yoongi practically inhales it.” The hybrid sighed, voicing his thoughts aloud. 

You glanced over your shoulder, smiling softly at the sight of Seokjin. He was dressed comfortably, washed out blue jeans, a white sweater and a red cap. Round glasses sat on the bridge of his nose as he read over packaging, his plump lips pouting as he considered every item. 

“Do you think we could get lamb, Y/N?” He piqued up, dropping three packets of snacks into the cart before waddling to catch up to you. 

“I don’t see why not, it’s my brothers card after all.” You shrugged, grinning. You held back a laugh as his cheeks turned pink, attempting to hide the bright colour he rushed forward to avoid your gaze. 

You had noticed the boys were all easily flustered, you found it funny. Sometimes Jimin or Jin tried to say something flirty, and when you countered back the two turned red and made excuses to run away. Sometimes you just had to talk to them and their faces would turn redder than an apple. 

Taehyung was a little more difficult, most of the time he was rather clueless with what he said, or at least that’s how he played it off to be. 

Namjoon just didn’t try. He just preferred to leave cute gifts for you on your bed; Flowers he had grown that were in season, fruits and clumsily made origami. 

Jeongguk completely avoided you, and Taehyung the little asshole, made sure to tell you the youngest hybrid liked you, telling you how the youngest was always staring at you or asking his brothers about what you were doing. 

“The look that the cashier gave you was so rude!” Seokjin huffed, closing the passenger door. 

You rolled your eyes, starting the car. You didn’t blame the poor girl, you had bought so much food it caused a huge back up, the line running down the isles . You couldn’t even look at the cashier, too embarrassed. 

The car ride was pretty quiet, the only sounds were Seokjin humming along to the radio and the crinkling from the candy packet. He seemed to be deep in thought, and as much as you wanted to ask what was on his mind you forced your mouth to stay shut. 

Sure, you were somewhat comfortable around him and you assumed he was comfortable around you, but you knew that there wasn’t any friendship foundation, you had no right to pick around his brain— no matter how intrigued you were. 

So you stayed silent, while the hybrid beside you happily chewed away at the gummy bears he had begged for. 

As your brother’s neighbourhood approached, Seokjin finally decided to talk. He wriggled around until he was angled enough to look over your smaller body. 

He thought you were pretty. Very pretty.

The way you smelt was enchanting, always leaving him dizzy and fumbling for words, just like now. 

He felt like a fish out of water, his mouth opening and closing, eyebrows pulled together in frustration as he tried to spit out words, any words. Just something so he didn’t look like an idiot for another second. 

“Don’t freak out.” 

When your head shot over, a crack sounding from the joints making him cringe, he wanted to melt into his seat. He felt his neck and cheeks turn red, an awkward laugh forced passed his lips. 

“Sorry— sorry. I just meant, don’t let Yoongi make you feel uncomfortable.” He clarified, mentally kicking his abrupt outburst. When you raised an eyebrow he took it as a signal to continue. 

“Yoongi can be stiff?” He paused, considering his words. “He can be two ways, blunt and sort of arrogant— which he isn’t I promise!” 

“Or, he’s cocky and imposing. He’ll try to push your buttons, find out what makes you uncomfortable or mad.” He explained, clicking his tongue as he thought. “But don’t worry, Hoseok and Namjoon keep him in line.” 

When the car fell silent Seokjin felt his veins turn to ice. The last thing he wanted was for you to be uncomfortable, or scared. He’d leave yoongi out in the cages before he allowed that. 

“I grew up with Jay, I’m immune to annoying boys.” 

The smile on your lips, although forced, relaxed him slightly. You really seemed to be trying, even if it wasn’t for them and more so for your brother, he appreciated it. It made his insides feel like marshmallows. 

He watched your fingers tap on the grip of the steering wheel, your lips sucked in thin between your teeth as you thought. A cute habit of yours Jin had picked up on almost instantly. 

“I’ll be next to you, I won’t leave your side!” He promised, a hand over his heart and the other up in the air. “Scouts honour— and I can say that.” 

The proud grin on his plush lips made you break out into a small smile of your own. 

“And the other boy?” 

Seokjin dropped a red candy into his mouth, chewing twice before speaking. “Hoseok?” He looked to you for confirmation, seeing your curt nod he continued. 

“Hobi is playful, he gets along well with the younger boys. He can be a bit much, he’s loud. But he’s a good guy, you don’t have to worry about him.” 

“Hoseok— oh for Christ’s sake! Get off! All of you out, they’ll be back any minute now!” 

Namjoon’s scolding voice could be heard throughout the entire house, not that it mattered. Everyone was gathered in the one tiny space. 

The tiny office space that had been converted into a makeshift bedroom was bursting at its seams with the six men all huddled in. 

The youngest three, Jeongguk, Taehyung and Jimin had snuck in to play on the PC’s while you were missing. Jimin hadn’t been interested in playing, so instead he took the chance to snoop through your belongings. 

Hoseok, lonely after a week of separation, found his brothers quickly. But his original mission, finding the maknaes, was abandoned the moment your scented room hit his senses. Your perfume and natural musk stuck to everything in the room, almost as if you had lived in the space your whole life. 

It was mouth watering. 

Ignoring Jimin, who watched the bigger hybrid worriedly, Hoseok joined in the snooping. Mostly just looking through books and sniffing sweaters before getting bored and collapsing onto the fold out bed, an excited laugh filling the quiet room as he rolled over the unmade sheets. 

It didn’t take long for Hoseok and Jimin arguing over the small bed to wake up Yoongi. But unfortunately he got to the mess a little late, arriving just as Namjoon did. The younger boy practically tore out his hair as he tried to remove his pack from the room. 

Failing, obviously. 

The situation was quite funny to the sleepy hybrid. Yoongi’s snickering was infuriating the Wolf hybrid further, his anger and panic almost over powering the soft feminine smell that you had left behind. 

“— Jeongguk you know you aren’t supposed to be in here! Taehyung, you’re supposed to be making sure he doesn’t cause trouble, not helping!” Namjoon groaned, head in palms. 

The youngest two barely looked away from the screens, their eyes only momentarily flickering over to Namjoon. So instead Jimin piped up, stepping out from behind the much taller hybrid. 

“We just thought since she was gone we could take advantage—“

“You thought it would be okay to sneak through someone’s personal belongings!?” 

The fox hybrid turned bright pink, his ears flattening to the top of his head. Guilt flooded his features as he practically dislocated his fingers behind his back. 

“That wasn’t my intention—“ 

Their leader was livid, and not even for being disobeyed. He was familiar with the feeling— jealousy. They all smelt like you, and now your room smelt of them. 

You smelt like someone other than him— and to make it worse, your musk had been mixed with multiple other male hybrids. It made his stomach churn. 

“Your intentions don’t matter anymore.” He snapped, pointing to the door where Yoongi rested. “Out, all of you.” 

Not a single person made an effort to move, all five pairs of eyes locked on their leader almost as if they were daring him to try and remove the group. The whole situation was amusing to Yoongi who still hadn’t said a word to his brothers, just watched everything as he usually did. 

But the sound of your tires crunching on the gravel driveway sent the boys flying for the front door before an argument could breakout, much to his disappointment. 

Yoongi and Jeongguk were the only two that waited in the living room, not reacting to your arrival with enthusiasm. 

“Y/N! You’re home!” Taehyung cheered, running out the front door, ignoring the stinging pain of the sharp rocks stabbing into his bare feet. 

Before the monkey hybrid could pull you into his body for a hug he was yanked to a halt by Jin. 

“Help with the bags first.” He scolded, shoving the heavier bags into the younger boy's arms. 

Whining Taehyung obeyed, his knuckles turning white as he practically ran to dump the bags in the kitchen. Namjoon and Jimin followed in Taehyung's direction, arms full with heavy bags until everything was unpacked. 

 It was after everything was put away where it needed to be that Taehyung engulfed you in his arms, nuzzling his nose into the crook of your neck. He was breathing in so heavily you felt like the boy was about to inhale your skin. 

“You were gone for so long--” He paused, his arms tightening on you as he shuffled around. Your back was now facing everyone so Taehyung could glare at his elder. “You hogged her on purpose!” 

Seokjin groaned, the younger boy's accusation not even bothering him. He knew his brothers had grown attached to their temporary carer. He was however beginning to worry that everyone was experiencing the same feelings. Your original four weeks of house sitting was officially up tomorrow, and he felt selfish knowing you were stuck here until the government decided otherwise, and not only their government but the Netherlands too. 

He had been so excited the moment he heard you step out the car. The moment your car tires had stopped crunching on gravel and your door swung open the strong scent of Spring hit him-- despite it being WInter. You smelt fresh, like flowers and pollen, and yet sweet like sugar. You smelt perfect. 

The first time he saw you, the night you come out with their meals he almost dropped to his knees to worship you. Long (H/C), wavy hair hung down your back, messy and slightly knotted from your hands attacking it. Your glasses were dangerously low on your nose as you struggled to drag the chunk of elk meat across the ground. Your lips were pouted, but he could tell that even if you weren’t sulking they would look nearly the same. You were pretty like a doll. Small, petite shoulders and rounded hips and plush thighs he dreamed of falling asleep on. 

You were perfect, and his. 

Until he realised, maybe you weren’t just for him. 

[k3rm1e]

hiihi !! ive been loving all the stuuf yoube been wirting latley its so good :^D i ws wondering if i ciuld have some hcs ,or just a onrshot either or i dont mind, of reader geeting sick and mumza nd dadza take care of them ?? bc i lovr mr and mrs minecraft <33 liek like reader like "ahh im finr mr minecraft" and they have 102° fever Nd have a runny nose and mr minecatft is liek "mmm no i dont thnik so m8" nd yaeh !! they/them pronouns but i thnk uve benn doing that arleady - :^) anon

sickly

hiihi !! ive been loving all the stuuf yoube been wirting latley its so good :^D i ws wondering if i ciuld have some hcs ,or just a onrshot either or i dont mind, of reader geeting sick and mumza nd dadza take care of them ?? bc i lovr mr and mrs minecraft <33 liek like reader like "ahh im finr mr minecraft" and they have 102° fever Nd have a runny nose and mr minecatft is liek "mmm no i dont thnik so m8" nd yaeh !! they/them pronouns but i thnk uve benn doing that arleady - :^) anon

:^) anon my beloved;;;;; i love your brain. this could go two ways depending on whether you’re staying with phil or if you guys are online so i went with your staying with him. i also did a one shot but if you want hcs i hv no problem writing some :) i hope this is good!

cw: cursing

mumza and dadza take care of you:

  it had finally happened. while covid wasn't fully over just yet, many had gotten the vaccine and conventions were opening up again. which meant two things: meetups and twitchcon. finally, you could meet some of your supporters and see your friends.

  “mom, are we almost there?” your mom was driving you to the airbnb you’d be staying at with a few of the other dream smp members. at first, you assumed you’d all be staying in separate hotel rooms. but, this way, you could spend more time with friends, save money, and your mom wouldn’t have to be with you the whole time. there had already been many long conversations between philza and your mom to make sure you’d be safe staying with everyone.

  “yes, sweetie. almost there. we’re just two minutes closter than when you asked earlier.” ok, sue you, maybe you were a bit excited. but really, who could blame you? making in person friends had never been easiest, so the majority of your friendship were with people online. not being able to see or meet anyone for so long had been excruciatingly painful. 

  within ten minutes, you had finally arrived at the airbnb. quickly jumping out you ran to the door, obnoxiously ringing the doorbell. through the door, you heard an accented voice yell out, “i’m coming, i’m coming!”. at this point you were springing up and down on your tippy-toes, ready to spring out of your skin.

  the door opened and you were greeted by a very tired and annoyed looking wilbur, “hello?”.

`   “WILBURRRR!!!” you were screaming in his face (unintentionally), waking him up from his drowsiness. you launched yourself in his arms, not paying attention to your mother’s bewildered expression. you quickly let go of him and shoved past him, “i’m gonna go say hi to everyone!” distantly you heard wilbur begin to talk to your mother, explaining what you guys were doing.

  while running around you said hi to tommy, tubbo, ranboo, eret, fundy, niki, techno, phil and kristin. the others were either staying in another airbnb or in their own hotel rooms. after about thirty minutes, wilbur had finally stopped talking to your mom.

  “yes, ma’am. i can promise you they’ll be completely safe. you have absolutely nothing to worry about.” wilbur was calmly talking with your mother, looking more and more tired by the minute.

  “alright. thank you.” your mother called you over. “come give me a hug and say bye!” slowly dragging your limbs over, you let her hug you. behind you you could hear wilbur and phil laughing at you.

  “bye mom…” she was holding onto you tightly, petting down your hair.

  “oh, sweetie, i love you so much. i’m so happy you found something you're passionate about and made so many lovely friends while doing so.” as much as you loved your mom, the small snickers behind you were getting quite embarrassing. you could hear that tommy had joined in on the laughing. 

  “... i love you too, mom. can you let go now?” you tried pulling back, but all she did was pull you closer.

  “oh, but i just don’t wanna let you go. i love you so much, you know that right?”

  “i know, mom. i love you too. but you’ve gotta get home and i have to unpack and get ready for meeting with fans tomorrow.” you finally got her to pull away, “i love you mom, okay? thank you for letting me do this.”

  “oh, i love you too, sweetie.” and with that, your mom left. after watching her pull out of the driveway and down the street, you whipped around.

  “not. a. single. word.” you stared dead in the boy’s eyes, seeing just how much wilbur was about to burst out laughing.

  “what? personally, i think it’s very sweet.” tommy was smiling, purposely pissing you off. “so sweet, how much your mom loves you.”

  “shut your fucking mouth, tommy.” you stared deadpan at him and began walking inside and over to the kitchen.

  “what? i didn’t say anything wrong! i was just simply commenting on your very, very sweet relationship with your mother.”

  kristin moved forward to talk to you, “for what it’s worth, i do thing you hae a very sweet relationship with your mom.”

  “thank you. you’re the only good one in this house, kristin minecraft.” with that she laughed, and you all continued on with your evening. after staying up late watching old youtube videos, you all went to bed. in the morning you would have your first day of three at twitchcon, meeting fans and other creators alike. 

  for around 10 hours, you stood in booths signing fanart, prints, notebooks, and the like. meeting so many different people was eye opening, just learning who supported you. at the end of the day everyone went to a restaurant to eat dinner after so long.

  “this food… is so… fucking good.”

  “agreed.” you and the rest of the so-called ‘bench trio’ were eating at what wilbur had deemed the ‘kiddy table’. after eating so much food you were all tired. the rest of your friends had already left, walking back to the airbnb. when it was finally time to leave the restaurant, it was pouring rain.

  “WHY IS THE RAIN SO COLD IT’S LITERALLY SUMMER”

  after running home you had gone to sleep while the others had changed and taken showers. after sleeping for around ten hours, you had finally woken up. frankly, you felt like dogshit. you could barely breathe out of your stuffy nose and your head felt like it had been shoved full of wet cotton balls.

  instead of staying in bed, you got up and tried to get ready. on the way downstairs to get food and see who was making so much noise, you fell face first down the stairs. “owwwww…”

  hearing a ruckus, phil and kristin left the kitchen, where they were making pancakes. “holy shit! are you alright, mate?”

  pushing phil over, kristin walked over to you, “obviously they’re not okay phil! the poor kid is lying on the floor.”

  slowly getting up, you try to reassure both of them that you’re okay. “no, no, no, don’t worry. i am perfectly okay.” while you don’t know exactly how you sound, based on the expression on phil’s face, you don't think you sound very good.

  “uh, yeah, how about no. you sound like you’ve draken a whale bottle of vodka.” phil walked over to you and grabbed you by the arm, trying to hold you up.

  “i’m fineeee”

  “no, your fucking not. you’re burning up.” phil looked at you, angrily. “you need to go to bed.”

  “but i don’t wannaaaaa. i feel fineeee.” you felt like crying, for absolutely no reason. with that, you passed out on the floor.

  phil and kristin somehow managed to get you back up the stairs and into bed. once you were safely in your room, with no risk of cracking your skull open, phil took your temperature. “mate, your temperature is at nearly 102°. you’re lucky i don’t take you to a hospital.” he started at you, disapprovingly.

  “i’m sorryyyyy dadza. are you mad at me?” in your deluded state you pouted at him, like a child.

  “no, i’m not mad at you. just disappointed. you should’ve known not to do that. you’re old enough to know when you’re sick.” he stared at you with a disapproving look.

  “but that’s even worseeeeee” you felt like balling your eyes out. out of embarrassment, you tried to hide under your blanket. “can you tell mumza i’m sorry for worrying her?”

  above you, you heard phil laugh. “it’s not that big a deal, kid. i’m just upset. you could’ve seriously hurt yourself. i was worried.”

  “you were worried about me? awwwww, i love you too dadza.” you moved your head out of the blankets, smiling at him with dried tears and sweat on your face.

  “yeah, yeah. now shut up and go to bed.”

  kristin walked in, hearing what he said. “phil, don’t bully the kid. they already feel like shit.” out of the corner of your eye, you saw her look over to phil and smile at him.

  “i’m not doing anything, swear on my life!” he put his hands up in defense of himself, making you laugh.

  turning away from him, she directed her next question towards you. “how you feeling, kid? took quite a tumble there.” she smiled at you and ushed your hair out of your face.

  “i’m sorry for worrying youuuuuu. i love you, mumza. promise.”

  laughing, she leaned down to kiss you on the head. “love you too, kid. now, want me to sit with you and we can all watch some netflix or something?”

  you silently nodded and the two of them joined you on the bed, not caring very much if they got sick. after not even an hour, you all passed out.

  a few hours later, everyone returned back from the convention. let’s just say wilbur now had some very valuable blackmail.

hope you like it! this was so wholesome i- wfowcsjvri

i want parents like dadza and mumza now

[keltonwrites]

Where no one knows your name

How many times is a person meant to make new friends? When I moved into an apartment in DC with an absolutely iconic girl from Craigslist, I wrote in my journal, “you never know when you’ll meet your next bridesmaid.” Charmingly juvenile, as I was 24 years old. Ironic, as I never had any bridesmaids. And embarrassing, knowing I wrote something that’s surely been embroidered on a bachelorette party t-shirt by now. My point was: you can meet people you fall in love with anywhere, anytime, assuming your heart (and calendar) are open. Now my heart and calendar are open and I am one of Elizabeth Bennet’s sad sisters, cloying and desperate for attention while everyone at the ball ignores me. Meeting people here is unnerving and hapless and eye-clawingly vulnerable. My first new friend told me she was moving away in a few months. Do you invest deeply in hopes of another faraway friendship? Do you just go back to waving as you pass on the street? I like this girl! What an embarrassing thing to have to say to someone! Do you just invite people to every and anything like a lunatic? I can’t even remember to call the people I am forever-and-ever in cahoots with. I’m also deeply bound by what I’ll call the Movie Trap: say it’s 3pm during not-a-pandemic, and you get the urge to see a movie. You look at the showings, and there’s one you really want to see at 7:15. You think to yourself, “I should make an effort,” and you text a friend. “Hey, you wanna go see This Cool Movie at 7:15 tonight?” No one ever says yes. Don’t give me an example of when someone has, because it’s always one of these answers:

“Oooh, I’m actually seeing it with Kate tomorrow - wanna come?”

“Can we go to the 9pm showing? Stuck at work.”

“Yeah but let’s see Movie You’ll Fucking Hate instead.”

Now maybe I’m just lighting flares guiding you to the worst parts of my personality, but this drives me nuts. No, Liz, I don’t want to go tomorrow. I want to go tonight. At 7:15. So I can be in bed by 10. And you’d have to drag my dead body and prop open my eyes to get me to see something like Marriage Story in theaters. The Movie Trap is a big reason I usually hang out by myself, or I make plans weeks in advance. (Don't I sound like a blast.) Just the idea of being like, “I like you! Wanna hang out in October?” makes me want to collapse into a puddle of sad adulthood. Which is why on Friday at 4:30pm, when a girl I’d met a week prior asked if I wanted to grab a drink, I just said yes. I put on a pretty dress, did my makeup, put stuff in a purse, and drove the 25 minutes to town. It was really fun! And how novel to have new contacts in my phone like “Maggie blue house” and “Jess concert friend” — a throwback to the days of “Greg guy on L train” and “Devon ad party.” The very concept of not knowing someone’s last name or even needing it, and a year from now updating their contact info and smiling at your origin story. But for the most part, no one is in our phones. In terms of phone numbers collected, here is the list:

Two friends we knew prior who thank god you guys exist.

New friend who is moving away.

New friend who is game to drink tequila and ride mountain bikes.

Neighbor-not-yet-friend who I really fucking like and am not sure how to cross hang-out threshold with.

​Not to say there aren’t any other prospects or people I’m platonically gaga over, but I don’t have their phone numbers. There are honestly a lot of people like this because when you live in a small town (and you’re from the Midwest) you say “oop, sorry” to every person/object you bump into, and you say “hi :)” to every person you see. These are the rules. If I drive by you and don’t wave, it’s because I was so deep in a daydream I probably shouldn’t have been driving in the first place. This isn’t acceptable, because in our urgency to tattoo our vaccination status on our foreheads so we can make friends, it turns out just driving by someone can be a viable strategy. A few days ago, a man was driving by our kitchen window and then our driveway, and then he reversed back up to the kitchen window and started waving. Ben went outside — it was that kind of wave. The man had seen from his car a smokejumper emblem on the back of a truck in our driveway. “Hey, are you a smokejumper?” We aren’t. But my dad was, and he was in town visiting, accompanied by the emblem on the back of his truck. The guy said we should drink sometime. Numbers were not exchanged. We’ll call that a node, because it’s not quite a connection. And it’s mainly nodes, waiting to be connected, to have relevance. But first, no matter who you’re trying to befriend, you have to answer everyone else’s Do I Care Quiz. The quiz is employed by 93% of locals to determine how they feel about you existing within their personal 50-mile radius. The first question is non negotiable:

1) Are you visiting?

Variations on this question include “how long are you in town?” or “what brings y’all to town?” or my least favorite and most insulting, “did you just finish Jeeping?” I know I have blonde hair and say y’all, but how dare you. (Also, to be clear, you can own a Jeep, customize your Jeep, mod out your Jeep, and love your Jeep, but you’re not Jeeping until you drive too fast through a tiny town so you can hurl your Jeep over a mountain pass without ever getting out of it.) So the answer to “are you visiting” is “no, I live here.” Which brings us to the next question, my favorite for how loaded the gun, kneeling in the grass, scope on, target locked it is.

2) Are you part-time or full-time?

The first time I answered this question, I didn’t realize it was essentially like asking how someone voted in the 2020 election. The judgment was cocked and ready and the palpable relief/joy/or at the very least, tolerance, exuded by answering “full-time” was like when the sun comes out from behind the clouds on a 40 degree day. I was fine, but wow that does feel better. The third question though does not have a standard hoped-for answer. This is where nodes turn to connections turn to phone numbers.

3) What brings you here?

It seems like the best possible answer would be saying you work in town, and you’re going to begin construction on displaced-worker housing to ensure the people who run this town can actually live in it. We’d have everyone’s phone number. Saying you’re a writer who works remotely and bought a house from a legendary and beloved local who could no longer afford it is really something you keep to yourself. But in the interest of making friends, I just word vomit my entire history. We might as well find out at the onset if I make your eyes roll back into your skull. Not at all threatening that all it takes is a single social signal misinterpreted to be the absolute death knell of my ability to make friends in a town of some 1400 adults. In fact, I’ll share one such interaction. I was hiking with Cooper, about 5 miles by foot away from my house. I was on a trail, crossing a sloped meadow, and a group was traversing up the hillside to the trail. I said hi, where y’all coming from. One girl answered and we talked about the trail. She eyed me up and down. “Did you just move here?” “I did!” “I served your family last week,” she said. “Oh,” that phrasing. “Must have been my in-laws.” “Heard you bought Jack’s house. Such a bummer when locals like that are forced out.” “We didn’t even know about his house,” I said. “We were looking at another house and he asked his realtor if he could get us to come see his house. We just loved it, and him!” She had no emotional reaction to this. “You moved from California?” she asked. (Dangerous question.) “Yeah, got these sea level lungs, haha,” attempting to disarm with humor was a failure, “but couldn’t be happier to be out of California.” “It’s not like this all year. Winter’s really hard here, you’re in for a rude awakening.” “Well California’s the last place I lived, but I’m not from there. I’ve lived in brutal winters. At least Colorado gets sun!” I laugh with cloaked loathing. “It’s different when you live at altitude,” she said, like no human aside from her had ever been literally anywhere. “Are you trying to go around?” She indicated the path behind her. “No, y’all go ahead, just gonna wait to give you your space. I’m sure you’re faster than me.” “K, good luck making it to the lake." Maybe she was thirsty. Maybe she was hungover. Maybe she just has vicious delivery, but it felt like every blade of grass was leaning against the wind to listen. She was with four other people and not one of them said a word. I left that interaction not wanting to see another human ever again. But that interaction, and her intimate knowledge of exactly which house I lived in, made me want to decorate like we lived in a gingerbread house, all candy canes and plum drops, screaming to any passerby that we’re friendly. One of the mayor’s first questions to me was “what are you going to do to the house?” There are rules here about what your house can look like, and I kept emphasizing we bought the house because we loved it, not because we wanted to change everything about it. And now, instead of wanting to decorate the interior, I want to put up shades so we don’t contribute to light pollution, I want to hang a sign by the water spigot saying “grab some if you need” for hikers and mountain bikers, I want to paint a sign for the wild mint by our door that says, “I mint to tell you to take some,” because our neighbors were openly panicked they wouldn’t be able to just grab mint from the cabin’s garden anymore. Without question, COVID makes things harder. Dinner parties feel like dares. Dropping cookies off at someone’s house feels invasive. Grabbing a drink feels like the ultimate sign of trust. But at least we have nodes who can connect who can think to invite us and who can see that despite having lived in California, we’re not all that bad. In the meantime, I’ll be painting signs about water and mint, hoping to garner the benefit of the doubt from the so beautifully, earnestly, and waiting-to-see-if-you’re-worth-it doubtful.

Subscribe to the newsletter at tinyletter.com/keltonwrites — high altitude relocation and renovation in a tiny mountain town.

[technobladetimestamps]

Nov 16 Stream Timestamps

Timestamps from Technoblade’s “THE REVOLUTION (dream SMP)”

Link to my youtube comment with all of the timestamps x

Timestamps with hyperlinks below

02:13  “This is a surprise tool which will help us later” / thumbnail isn’t foreshadowing / video thumbnails have to be big / stream thumbnails can be detailed 05:17  “The traitor is actually Jschlatt” / firework crafting 09:50  “The ratio is impeccable” 13:23  “Dream’s in the game! My audience retention rate” / vc with Tubbo & Quackity / traitor Jschlatt theory / “Are you high?” “A little” 14:47  “You’re a bit of a wildcard” “I am the most consistent character on the entire server” / “What’s this about getting into power” / “We’ll burn this bridge when we get to it” 15:54  “You really are such an English major” / “You’re an idiom” / malaphor / “I’m actually speaking twice as much English as you guys” 18:07  “I think Thunder is overcompensating in the chat” / “Where can you see me” “In my heart” (Karl & Quackity) / Karl not leaving vc 20:33  vc with Niki / “Did Tubbo just leave me? I spaced out for 2 seconds” / “You can’t call everyone the traitor” “I can & will” 22:45  “You know it’s an event when Skeppy’s here” / “You know it’s a big deal when Georgenotfound wakes up” / “Everyone leaves me” 23:31  explaining the traitor thing to Niki / “Maybe I’m a sleeper agent” / had to kill Tubbo 25:03  nothing happened with that creeper / Fundy interrogating Niki / “Why did I train her for MCC” 25:54  “Even YOU’RE leaving me” / sad music / “I’m sitting here with 203k viewers & it’s not enough for any of these streamers to bear talking to me for more than 60 seconds” / Skeppy joins vc to immediately leave 28:50  Karl has a gift for Techno / Karl is just here for the animatic 32:21  “At least the chat won’t leave me” / pays for his music 35:01  “I’m going to destroy the government so bad” / “I hate all of the farming updates on skyblock” 37:45  joining a vc / “I just got stood up in like 4...conversations in rapid succession” / “My new years resolution was to make friends & it’s november & I’ve made zero headway” / Eret switches sides 41:53  Ender chest setup / worried about hotbar management / potions > shields   43:13  vc with allies / “Karl you are literally the biggest third wheel I have ever seen” 45:03  angering the dogs / trident combo 47:13  “D!ck with one ball” (Tubbo) 50:25  “Let’s hope Wil overslept like [George]” 53:09  recruiting Eret / “If you fight on our side we’ll make you the King of Burger King” / “He’ll be an executive citizen” / “I’m surrounded by idiots” 54:58  putting Schlatt on the allies list / “Schlatt is an alcoholic high on protein power” (Fundy) 56:47  can’t trust Eret / “I hate it when you’re right” (Tubbo) / Wilbur joins vc 59:50  having a moment with Hubert / “Not even the mobs like me” / sad music / “I just gained 8k subscribers the sadness is gone” / cow pit exp farm 1:02:57  vc with Niki / “I’m going to join the other vc AHHHHH” 1:05:02  “Once everyone meets up...I have something prepared” / “Technoblade when are you not ready?” “When I joined the server” 1:09:38  “Who do you take me for? Of course I’ve read the Art of War. It’s written by Mozart” / battle planning 1:12:18  “This is the betrayal...happening very slowly” 1:13:35  Pan1 / “This revolution is so doomed” 1:15:29  Dream attack / Quackity dies 1:18:07  “Agree Retweet” / “Violence is the only universal language” / “i have a supply” / “Why do you talk in upwards inflections constantly?” 1:19:57  Techno not getting to talk / “He took it all by force didn’t he” / “Fear into Ear” 1:23:50  Techno telling everyone he has a stash twice / distributing blue / mushroom the fox 1:26:49  Tommy talking over Techno again / “Stop going off on your tangents” “We have food at home” 1:29:30  vault reveal / Tubbo stealing emeralds / secret chest 1:32:40  “Shut up bro you are green as shit” (Tommy) / “Everyone give me back my stuff you don’t deserve it” 1:34:41  no netherite swords / “Who’s the traitor” “Promise we won’t be mad” 1:36:31  battle / Technoblade trident maneuvering / giving rocket launchers to Tubbo & Tommy 1:40:27  killing Karl / Dream bringing out the end crystals / fighting invis Dream / purpled switches sides 1:43:57  Dream wants to talk / 309k / group photos 1:46:08  vc with Dream / “But only if my enemy insists” / in the van with Schlatt / “What are you doing in my drug van? It better not be drugs” / Tommy preparing to shoot Schlatt 1:54:42  “We won” / “We killed an old man with heart problems! It only took 20 of us!” / President Innit / subscribe to Technoblade sign 1:55:57  Dream & Techno talk in chat / Tommy speech / “It was meant to be” / “I don’t think anyone is bowing to Tommyinnit” / “Karl don’t be weird” / Skeppy has a disc 1:59:06  Techno being apprehensive on mute / Tommy makes Wilbur President / “I’ll be the president” “I’m gonna veto that” / “Techno...you’ve taught me that government is not the way to go” / Wilbur makes Tubbo president 2:03:20  “I’m not sure I like where this is going x2” / “I’m not sure this is a good ending” / “Team chaos” “Perhaps” 2:06:20  Techno shoots Tubbo / Philza joins / “You think Schlatt was the cause of your problems? No. It was government” / speech gets interrupted / “The government ends here, I’ll kill it myself!” 2:09:23  Phil kills Wilbur / techno yelling for silence / “Tommy you just did a coup...& instilled yourself as president” 2:12:11  “If you want to be a hero THAN DIE LIKE ONE” / wither spawning / killing his former allies 2:15:09  post fight talks / “There will be no new government today. It will be over my dead body” / “Techno was not the traitor” 2:18:50  “I need to increase the crater that is L’Manberg so that no country can rise in its place” / “Mom says it’s my turn on the flame bow” 2:23:51  “What I’m doing right now is small scale. This is the work of an individual. This is nothing compared to the cruelty governments all around the world [inflict]...systematically” / “Llamas are the primary victims of war” / “I just wanna be apart of the explosion” (George) 2:27:06  Techno joins vc / connor joins the server / “I hope you’re proud of yourself Techno” “I kinda am” / Jack Manifold (Thunder) being broke / netherite armor 2:32:30  “Beach episode” / Techno accidentally joins the L’Manberg vc 2:35:16  the base is compromised / “There’s no way Technoblade would put a clock there if it didn’t mean anything” / got robbed 2:37:37  “If you’re going to ask me how I got all these emerald & arrows that’s a story for another day” / explaining the bedrock / “I can give everyone stuff & it’ll be such a flex” 2:40:24  Greek mythology 2:41:45  The Golden Apple / “They didn’t use discord back then they used skype, so can’t invite Eris” / “Zeus the god of feminism” 2:46:02  Eret recruiting Techno to kill George / joining vc / “Let’s stop him before he gets land” / Awesamdude proposing a fight 2:49:08  “No one can kill me I’m invincible” (logs out) / Dream literally names the turtle potions Sam thinks he hasn’t heard of / “I’m at soup” / “It’s not smack talk he just has that many items” 2:53:06  “Stab him Dream, I’ll shout encouraging words” / Techno fighting Bad & Ant 2:56:23  Dream wins / “I think there was this Dream guy attacking you with some sort of weapon” 3:00:11  turtle potions / Dream hyping up Techno about fighting BBH / Badlands negotiating with George 3:04:34  vc with Philza 3:07:00  spider farm afk’ing / lagging Quackity’s computer 3:09:06  smp earth / Phil only logged on to back Techno up 3:10:32  killing George / “I’m gonna drop his armor off don’t jump me” / not fighting Dream 3:13:00  vc with Karl & Phil / Karl definitely not starting a government / “Chat that was the boring part, don’t leave” / 320k / “Why do we keep scheduling these on Monday?” 3:16:18  “I don’t even want to think about how famous Tommy will be in the future” / “I get a tad bitter” / covid is good for youtubers but obviously bad / “I’m so good at socially distancing” 3:19:51  “Aren’t you tired of being nice Philza? Don’t you just wanna go crazy” / “You should be wary of the old in a profession where people die young” / vc with Eret 3:21:47  “What if you built a slightly larger throne next to it?” /  “How are they paranoid of a mole but the guy with a track record of being a traitor gets no questions asked” 3:25:47  “I’m gonna place a block at the bottom & kill you instantly” / reverse mlg /  emerald rich even with Tubbo’s theft 3:27:57  “I’ll allow it” / upstairs chests robbed / Eret disconnects with the book 3:32:04  armor sabotage bc he thought it’d be 1v5 / crystals are mutually assured destruction / Wilbur afraid of tnt getting blown up early 3:34:11  the diary was actually Eret’s / “He’s gonna tell everyone who I have a crush on. Nooo” / reading the 100 page book / “Can I not win here?” “No” 3:40:14  “This stream has released more serotonin in my brain than the last 6 months combined” / revolution was overcrowded / could improve the crater 2:43:09  “Awkward ten minute period where I’m just sitting there watching them set up a new government but I can’t kill them yet” / Carl is missing 3:44:34  “The one time Technoblade is gonna roleplay & they talk over him” / “CARL” / “As long as Sapnap isn’t the one that took him there’ll still be hope” 3:46:10  “Once you start using end crystals it’s the only pvp that matters & end crystal pvp is so lame” / Webtoons 3:49:10  “What’s going to happen to you & WIlbur now?” “I don’t know, I think I’m chill with Wilbur” / “The only thing that changed is my voice. Zero personal growth” / lines from the first speech that got interrupted / “King George is trending booo” 3:52:00  1 million twitter followers / “O god it’s been four hours...I am not built for this” / did a 13 hour stream once / sub growth goals 3:56:30  “What the heck is Phil watching”

[hobeymakar]

Every Kind of Way | C. Makar

Words: 2,528

A/N: this one is based off the song Every Kind of Way by H.E.R. (aka one of my fave R&B songs). In this, COVID-19 never happened and the season starts and ends at the time it usually does.

Warnings: swearing and references to alcohol use

-

Baby, the sound of you. Better than a harmony. I want you off my mind. And on me. Holding me closer than we’ve ever been before. This ain’t a dream. You’re here with me. Boy, it don’t get no better than you. For you, I wanna take my time. All night

You wake up to the sound of birds chirping outside. It’s a beautiful August morning in Denver and you turn over to see the most beautiful sight of all, your boyfriend Cale. He’s asleep peacefully beside you and you take a moment to caress his face, gently running your thumb over his cheeks.After a few moments, he wakes up and goes to kiss you. You stop him and get up to go to the bathroom instead, since you can’t stand morning breath. You brush your teeth and when you come back into the room, you see him on his phone.

He hears you come into the room and puts his phone down before turning over onto his back. You climb back onto the bed, wearing one of his old giant UMass Hockey tees and joggers.

“Good morning,” you smile, straddling his waist.

“Morning, baby,” he smiles back. “Sweet dreams?”

“I dreamt of you winning the cup and me kissing you at center ice,” you explain.

“Well who knows? Maybe it’ll happen this year,” he smiles.

“It better happen. I expect you guys to kick ass all season,” you reply, placing one of your hands over his heart.

“And what if we don’t?” he teases.

“Then I’ll tell Bednar to bag skate you guys after every loss to whip you guys into shape,” you tease back, causing him to chuckle in response.

“I’ll whip you into shape,” he groans, flipping you over and pinning you down to the mattress to tickle you.

“Cale!” you shriek, since you hate being tickled.

He ignores your pleas and continues to tickle you into submission, while you continue to laugh uncontrollably.

“Okay okay okay, I’m sorry! I won’t tell Bednar to bag skate you after every loss,” you whine, not being able to handle any more tickling from him.

“Good,” he smiles, kissing her forehead.

“Now, since you decided to tickle the shit out of me, the least you can do is make us breakfast,” you tease.

“I’ll make breakfast, but you better not complain about it,” he replies, sending you a look as he gets up from the bed.

“Ugh!” you groan, smacking his ass hard.

He doesn’t even react to the smack and walks out of the bedroom, causing you to shake your head and get up from the bed.

I wanna love you in every kind of way. I wanna please you no matter how long it takes. If the world should end tomorrow and we only have today. I’m gonna love you in every kind of way

You walk into the bathroom and see Cale fresh out of the shower, brushing his teeth with a towel hanging low off his hips. The mirrors are fogged in the bathroom and he looks good with his cheeks flushed from the heat and humidity in the bathroom.

“Like what you see?” he teases, raising an eyebrow.

“Shut up,” you scoff, shoving him lightly in the chest. 

He walks over to his sink and finishes brushing his teeth as you go to the other sink and wash your face and hands.

“Do you want me to pick us up some dinner for tonight?” he asks you, his words garbled because of the toothpaste in his mouth.

“I’ll be home on time to make some dinner,” you reply, drying your hands.

He goes back to brushing his teeth and you draw “heart you” over the fog on the mirror, before leaving the bathroom. You go back to the room and get ready for your Zoom meeting for your online business job. Before you know it, Cale comes back into the room and gets dressed for his first day of training camp. He then heads to the living room to grab his gear. You follow him out of the bedroom and into the living room to bid him farewell.

“Love you too, baby,” he smiles, referring to the writing on the mirror you left him.

“So, you saw my note on the mirror huh?” she asks rhetorically.

“It was cute, but you’re even cuter,” he replies, bending down to give you a kiss.

“Bye baby. Make sure you kick some butt today. Can’t have some guy take your spot on the top d-pair,” you tease, your lips just lightly brushing against his.

“No one’s gonna take my spot babe, but thanks for the motivation,” he teases lightly.

“I think there are other ways I can get you extra motivated to have a great camp,” you tease back.

“I better have a great camp then,” he replies, finally kissing you.

Give you all, give you all of me. When you need it. “Cause I need it. I wanna fall like your favorite season. I’ll never give up. Stay here forever, babe. It don’t get no better than this. Your kiss

It’s Conor Timmins’ birthday and the party is being held at Mikko’s condo. It’s a big ass luxurious condo right in the middle of downtown Denver because it’s the type of place you get when you’re making $9.25M a year. You and Cale arrive when the party's just starting to get really going. You bring two big dishes of your famous Buffalo Chicken Ranch dip that the boys always demolish. You and Cale also hand Timmy his gift, which Cale kind of went overboard with. But being that Cale and Timmy have been friends for so long, it’s understandable why he was freaking out over the gift a little. You and Cale obviously greet the whole team and the girls, with you catching up with the girls and finding out what’s new with their lives and how their summers went.

After a while, the party starts going off the rails because the guys start drinking and it’s tarps off after that. The guys start dancing in the middle of the living room, like it’s the dance floor at the Roxy, while the girls just laugh at them. Luckily, Cale doesn’t join in on the shenanigans and his shirt stays on for the entire night. After a while of laughing at the boys, Cale drags you out to the large balcony, complaining that it’s too hot inside the condo. You follow him reluctantly outside and take in the cool breeze of the September night and the view of the city lights.

“Thanks for coming with me tonight. I know the guys can go pretty hard,” Cale says, apologizing as if it’s a bad thing when the team parties.

“Babe, you know I love coming to team parties with you! This is where I get my best blackmail and chirping material on your teammates,” you tease, trying to keep the mood light.

“Wow, look at the moon tonight,” he says, admiring the view.

You look at the moon but you also look at how beautiful he looks in the moonlight.

“I’ll never get over how beautiful this city looks at night,” you sigh, loving the view.

“You make the view a whole lot better though,” he confesses, causing your heart to swell.

You turn around to face him and realize that if this is what being in love is like, then you never want it to end.

“I love you, Cale Douglas Makar,” you smile, brushing his lips against yours.

“I love you so much more, Y/F/N,” he smiles back, before properly kissing you.

The kiss grows more passionate by the second and it feels like the world just disappears and it’s only you two in that moment. However, the moment doesn’t last long, as the sound of the balcony door opening startles you two.

“No making out at team events! You know it’s a $50 fine, Makar. If I catch you two again, I’ll double it,” EJ says sternly.

If anyone takes his job of fining teammates seriously, it’s EJ. Before the two of you can even respond, EJ closes the door shut and goes back to the party.

“I think we should head back before EJ finds another reason to fine you again,” you tease.

“Yeah, I refuse to put more money on the board,” he adds, taking your hand in his.

You two head back to the party and of course, EJ opens his big mouth again.

“Guys, the two lovebirds have decided to join us again!” he yells out, grabbing everyone’s attention.

Cale blushes immediately and you kiss his cheek, causing his cheeks to darken even more.

I wanna love you in every kind of way. I wanna please you, no matter how long it takes. If the world should end tomorrow and we only have today. I’m gonna love you in every kind of way. I wanna love you in every kind of way. I wanna please you, no matter how long it takes. If the world should end tomorrow and we only gave today. I’m gonna love you in every kind of way

Cale is driving through the streets of the city while the song Drew Barrymore by Bryce Vine is playing through the speakers. Your hands are joined together in the middle as you both sing along to the song.

“‘Cause you’re the next Drew Barry and I want more, yeah. And all these other girls keep wonderin’ what I fuck with you for,” he sings, kissing your hand.

You eventually arrive at your destination but have to park a couple blocks away because city parking is always a nightmare. You walk through the streets of Denver, holding hands and luckily, no one bothers you two for a photo or autograph. You eventually arrive at the place and it turns out it’s a small arcade bar. Cale buys your tokens and you drag him to the skeeball machines right away.

“Prepare to go down, Makar!” you yell out.

“In your dreams, Y/L/N!” he retorts, his competitive nature coming out.

You take the first ball and you manage to miss the left 10,000 target and get only 1,000 instead, while he manages to hit the 2,000 range. With the second ball, you manage to miss the right 10,000 target and only get 1,000 instead, while he hits the 2,000 range again. You look up at him and he’s making a cry baby face at you. You just shoot him a look and become determined to get that stupid grin off his face. You take the next ball and manage to hit the 5,000 target, while he misses the 4,000 target and only gets 1,000 instead.

“In your face! Eat shit!” you yell in his face playfully.

The two of you continue your competitive game of skeeball with you coming out victorious. He leads you to the basketball game and you shake your head at him, as a plea of protest.

“Why not, babe?” he asks.

“Because I’m too short and terrible at basketball,” you inform him.

Even though the boots you have on give you an extra couple of inches of height, you are still too short to be playing this game.

“I’ll show you baby,” he assures you.

He grabs a ball and shows you the shooting motion before handing it to you to try.

“This is gonna be so bad, just so you know,” you inform him.

You take the shot, mimicking the shooting motion he made, and you’re shocked when the shot actually goes in without bouncing off the rim. You look at him in disbelief that you actually just did that.

“I told you that you can do it,” he smiles, hugging you tightly.

You guys play more games for a while before deciding it’s getting too late.

“I really don’t wanna walk all the way back to the car! My feet hurt!” you complain.

He lifts you up without warning and you wrap your legs and arms around him tightly as he carries you out of the arcade and into the streets of Denver. He manages to only make it a block carrying you before growing tired. You jump down to the ground and you two finish your walk back to the car, while holding hands.

If this is what being in love is like, then you never want it to end.

I wanna love you. I gotta love you. I wanna love you. I gotta love you

It’s New Year’s Eve and the whole team and all the girls and kids are at Gabe’s house for the Avs annual New Years party. This year, they managed to be home once again, for New Year’s and even played a game earlier in the evening. It’s currently 6 minutes before midnight and the party is in full swing. The children are running around, while their moms try to catch them and stop them from destroying any of the Landeskogs’ furniture. 

There’s drinks flowing and snacks all over the kitchen and dining room. There’s child-friendly music playing, since the last thing the mothers need is for their kids to pick up swearing from the music. Cale is currently talking about improving the power play with Nate and you’re listening as Melissa tells the girls about one of Linnea’s recent play dates. This is your second Avs New Year’s party and you’re already starting to get used to the chaos. As it gets closer to midnight it gets more chaotic and before you know it, everyone is packed around each other counting down the final minute of 2020. Cale is right beside you wearing a ridiculous 2021 hat and yet he still looks so beautiful. You’re looking at the TV screen showing Time Square and the crystal ball, waiting for the ball to drop.

The final 10 seconds begin and you keep your attention on the TV not noticing what’s happening behind you. The clock finally strikes 12 and everyone starts going nuts. You turn to your side to give Cale a New Years Kiss and instead see him behind you on one knee. You freeze and cover your face in shock.

“Y/F/N, ever since I met you by almost spilling coffee on you at Dunkin in UMass, you’ve changed my life. I asked you to be my girlfriend at the New Years Eve party freshman year, so I figured I should ask you to marry me at this New Year’s Eve party. So, will you make me the luckiest guy alive and marry me?” he asks, looking more nervous than he did at 2018 World Juniors.

“Yes!” you cry out, nodding your head.

Everyone cheers as Cale gets up and kisses you, making sure to keep it light because of all the kids around. You look at the giant engagement ring and can’t believe you’re actually gonna marry the love of your life.

This is definitely what being in love is like and you never want the feeling to end.

[hey-hey-chan]

The Protagonist - Hyunjin

❀ Slice of life 

❀ Warning: mentions of death & covid-19

❀ Word count: 8k 

❀ When your best friend Ryujin cheats on her boyfriend who you’re also friends with, you’re stuck to pick up the pieces of their relationship. When Ryujin starts pushing you away and Hyunjin starts keeping you close, you wonder who was a better friend to you in the first place and uncover new feelings you never knew you had. 

❀ A/N: i know i haven’t written in like a year?? but i suddenly had inspiration to write. Honestly, I felt the inspiration after I didn’t get picked job opportunity I really wanted (and thought I was going to get). I was put on the waitlist, but it still hurt my ego. But, I had some other good news and you can read on my blog about it, but I still wanted to write. I didn’t really have anything in mind, but I just let my words take me where it needed to be. Also, don’t get used to me writing, I won’t be writing often or at all. I’m not that into skz anymore LOL 

------

Do you ever feel like you’re not the protagonist of your own story? 

Yeah, that’s how I feel everyday. 

Especially today.

“Ok, on the count of three, we reveal our statuses ... one... two..”

“And three!” 

I tore open the letter from my dream college, Seoul University, probably giving myself a paper cut in the process. 

“OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, I GOT IN! I got in y/n, holy shit!” I heard my friend’s words over the speaker, but I just couldn’t get the stupid envelope open.

“Fuck this.” I grabbed the scissors nearby and cut the damn thing open, revealing a thin piece of white paper.

I regret to inform you that you have been...

I felt tears well up in my eyes instantly at the words “regret” and “inform”, already knowing where the letter is taking me.

“Y/N?? What does it say?!” 

I cleared my throat. “I didn’t get in...” 

I cried harder, silently, when I heard her moans of agony. “No fucking way! You’re a WAY better student than I am! There’s something wrong.” 

I shook my head. I was a good student, but I wasn’t the best personality. I was only in two clubs: acapella club and bagel club. Not good enough for the best university in our city.

“It’s ok. I have plenty more universities I applied to, I’ll be ok. I’m so, so happy for you though! I swear you’re gonna have so much fun!” 

My stomach churned as I said those words. Did I really mean them? I didn’t feel happy in the moment. 

“Ugh, I hate this... I really thought we would be roommates!” 

I set the pristine piece of paper on my desk; I didn’t even want to look at it anymore. 

“Don’t worry about it. This could even be a good thing! We’ll meet new people and just widen our group of friends. It’ll be awesome. Plus, I’m too weird for this clean cut college.” I joked. 

That made her laugh. “You’re right, they couldn’t handle your personality. Anyways, I got to go to drama club right now, talk later? And again, I’m really sorry y/n.” 

I pursed my lips. “Talk later, and don’t worry about me!” I ended the phone call and let the tears fall freely from my eyes. 

I knew this would happen. 

How could I compete with a chemistry major with a 4.0 GPA and the president of 2 clubs with a bombass personality? I was nothing compared to her. 

I picked up the piece of paper and took one good look at it before crumpling it into a ball and throwing it. The soft thud barely made a sound which was anticlimactic. I was trying to have an angsty teen moment here?? 

Sometimes I felt like I was just a side character in a movie or a book. I was that girl who watched her best friend experience all these things in life and you just stand by them and cheer them on. They are the ones who have a mental breakdown and somehow end up with the love of their life at the end. 

That was my best friend, Ryujin. 

She was the one that every guy and girl fell for. Her charisma bounced off walls and even made me dizzy at times. And it wasn’t even like she was the “girly-girl” that we see in movies, no no no, tomboys are much trendier nowadays. She was confident around guys and wasn’t afraid to embarrass herself in front of anyone. I was insanely jealous of her sometimes which I would never admit. 

She’s funny and adventurous, pretty and athletic: she is everything I ever wanted to be in a person. 

She even had the hottest guy in the school as her boyfriend, Hwang Hyunjin. 

I, on the other hand, was the opposite of her. I wasn’t overly awkward and uncomfortable to be around like the protagonists of some books. I wasn’t even cold and hostile like the mysterious girl in fanfiction. 

No, I was just completely and utterly average. 

I wasn’t “ugly” or whatever that means. You wouldn’t cringe away if you saw me, but the only guys I attract on the streets are the ones who might follow me home. I was friendly to people I met and was the queen of small talk. I was girlier than I wanted to be and try to put on makeup, but end up with botched eyebrows and nonexistent mascara-- that didn’t stop me from trying though. 

I cringed at every horror movie, I hate sports, I love astrology, and the only close friends I have are girls. 

Well, the only friend I truly have is Ryujin and all her friends became mine.

Any who, I was the girl that if a story was written about her, it’d be about 2 minutes long. I never had any big failures or big achievements. No family issues or tragic past. Nothing. I was a normal girl with a normal life. 

And now one who wouldn’t even be going to college with her best friend who she depends on for her social life. Oh yeah, I was a burden too. Now she can’t even be fully happy because of me. 

Great, just great. 

I felt a buzz near the bottom of my foot. I sighed and kicked it towards me. 

‘Ok i wasnt going to ask you this, but i just have to. did you know?’ -hyunjin

I squinted my eyes, re-reading the message to see if I got that correctly. What the heck is he talking about? 

‘what are you talking about?’ 

‘are you being serious?’ -hyunjin

Ok, now this is just weird. I sat up in my bed, suddenly interested in this conversation. 

‘im being serious. i have no clue what you’re talking about. care to inform me?’ 

I sent the text, realizing this is probably the longest conversation Hyunjin and I have had over text. We often hung out in person in groups, since he was Ryujin’s boyfriend and we did have the occasional deep conversation, but talking like this was new territory. 

‘im 100% sure ryu would tell her best friend that she cheated’ -hyunjin

Wait. What did he just say? 

Suddenly I was standing, pacing around the room. 

‘ok, i’ve officially lost whatever ur talking about. what the hell are you saying? ryujin did not’ I typed in confidence, but realized I shouldn’t immediately attack the victim. I erased the message and called him. 

He picked up almost instantly. 

“What the hell did you just say?” I heard him shift around, probably in his bed.

“I said, I’m sure that Ryujin would tell you if she cheated-”

“Ok, that, stop right there. You’re saying Ryujin cheated on you?” I felt my head spin.

Ryujin can’t be a cheater. That’s impossible. And plus, she would’ve told me if something was wrong in her perfect relationship. 

I heard a loud chuckle on his side. “Wow, you really don’t know do you.” I shook my head, but I realized he couldn’t see me.

“Um, I really don’t, so I would really love it if you explained.”

“What’s there to explain? She came to my house two days ago and told me she was cheating on me with Jeongin. Yang fucking Jeongin, who is, yes, a grade younger than us!” 

I winced at his volume. Hyunjin was a lot of things, but he definitely wasn’t a liar. Neither was Ryujin which is why I had no idea what was going on. 

“You have anything to say?” He asked. But I was in complete shock. 

“Well, um... I’m gonna talk to her about this. Bye, Hyunjin.” I hung up the phone and tossed it on the side of my bed despite his muffled talking. 

What the fuck is going on?

-------

“I’m asking you a simple question, did you or did you not cheat on Hyunjin?” 

After Ryujin came home from drama club, I was already there waiting at her door. She gave me a weird look since we live a good 20 minute walk away from each other, but yes, this conversation was worth the exercise. 

“Excuse me, what did you just say?” She asked with a sassy tone, but I had no time for this bullshit.

“Did you cheat on Hyunjin? God Ryu, just answer the question!” I felt my face turning red and I knew I was losing my temper. I had no idea why I was so upset, but I just was. 

I saw her features contort, and I knew I was going to hear the truth.

“Ok, yeah, yeah I did.” 

My heart dropped.

We didn’t say anything to each other for a couple of seconds. It was like we were both taunting each other, which she doesn’t have the right to do in this moment.

“Are you serious? Why?” I asked incredulously. 

She didn’t say anything yet walked passed me and straight to her door. 

“Hey, what the hell?” 

“Y/N, I cheated on him, what else is there to say? It’s done, it happened!” I almost flinched at her tone. It was bitter and angry and it was a tone I was used to with her. 

“What the fuck? Ryu, why wouldn’t you tell me? And this is breaking Hyunjin’s heart-” 

“You know what? I don’t have to tell you everything about my relationship! It has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t even matter, ok? I just don’t wanna talk about it.” 

I stood silently, wondering who was this person in front of me. 

“Fine, I’ll leave then.” 

As I walked back to my house, I couldn’t help but feel like I was stuck in the protagonist’s drama once again. 

-----

It was almost 1am when I got back home. Thankfully, my parents were asleep and thought I was staying the night at Ryujin’s like I told them. I snuck in the house and collapsed on my bed. This was too much emotion for one day. 

I peered down at my phone and saw the light illuminate the room.

‘So. is your world shattered like mine?’ -hyunjin

I bit my lip. Was it weird to text my best friend’s ex-boyfriend like this? Technically, we were somewhat of friends too. So I’m not breaking any rules.

‘this is fucked up. im rly sorry man, she really didn’t tell me.’ I brushed my hands through my hair and felt the sweat sticking to it. I had walked back in the spring heat, it was too much. 

‘Damn, I didn’t think she would pull something like that and not even tell YOU. that’s cold.’ 

‘tell me about it. we were just fine earlier today, dont know whats goin on with her.’ I hesitated before typing the next part. ‘also, i know we arent the closest and ik im also ryu’s friend, but im here for you bro. this is a messed up situation’ 

‘Thanks, that means a lot... most of my friends are making fun of me for getting cheated on... with a JUNIOR. disgusting.’ 

I snorted. ‘technically, if ryujin didn’t skip a grade, she’d be a junior too.’ 

‘y/n, pls don’t ruin this moment’ 

‘fine, fine, disgusting, she cheated on u with a junior. plus ur friends are felix and jisung who are also complete insensitive dickheads sometimes’ 

‘Thank you.’ 

I laughed. Hyunjin was always an interesting guy to hang out with. Sure we never texted or talked much, but he was always a joy to have around. He was quiet in school, but he was animated around his friends. And of course, an awesome boyfriend to Ryujin. 

Seeing them together made me more aware of my singleness. He would open doors for her, give her his jacket when she was cold, pay for her meals, he even knew how to braid hair, like what the fuck? He was perfect.

And then she cheated on him. 

And didn’t even tell me. 

I rubbed my forehead. I was always a fixer. I fixed other people’s problems, which made me quite involved in their issues even if I shouldn’t be. 

‘but seriously though, im rly sorry this happened to you...’ 

‘yeah ... a year down the drain. and plus, i got accepted to Seoul University with her today.’ My heart sank, even when I knew it shouldn’t. 

Hyunjin was a smart guy, maybe a little too studious for his own good. He had lots of fun in high school, but made sure to go home early to events and not drink if he had a test the next day. He spent hours at the library at times and read in his free time, like me. Ryujin always hated it and thought we were too similar at times. Which is untrue because Hyunjin was way cooler than me. 

‘If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t get accepted’ 

‘That actually did not make me feel better and made me even sadder because what the fuck?? you’re an amazing student!’ 

That made me smile of course, the valedictorian was complimenting my intellect.

‘aha thanks, i’ll probably end up going to incheon uni which isn’t too far from here so i’ll be ok’ 

‘That’s good, maybe i should consider going since half the senior class is going to seoul lol’ 

I scoffed. “hyunjin, don’t give up your dream uni just because ryujin will be there. you probably wont see her as often as u think’ 

‘If I decided not to go there, it won’t be because of Ryujin. But seriously, I rarely try anything new and i feel like i’m confined to a small group of people. At least at Incheon, I’ll know less people.” 

I sighed loudly. Oh Hyunjin, it must suck to get a mental breakdown right before going to college. It happens to the best of us though. 

‘well ok, where ever you go, i’ll know you’ll thrive!!’ 

‘:) thanks y/n. also, ik we dont talk much, but i really do appreciate you.’ 

Well, that warmed my heart... and my cheeks. 

The fact that I was texting my friend’s ex boyfriend snapped me back into reality. And the fact that she cheated on him. 

I gulped. 

‘aw thanks hyunjin, i appreciate you too. Now get some sleep! it’s almost 2am’

I didn’t get a response back, and I hoped he fell asleep. I changed into my pajamas and did my nightly routine and fell asleep to thoughts of my friend’s ex-boyfriend.

------

I woke up to several buzzes that tickled my side. I grunted and threw the blanket off of me. I found my phone that was flung somewhere and picked it up. I turned off the notifications to stop the constant moving. 

“It’s too freaking early for this.” I moaned.

I rubbed my eyes and peered down at the message.

‘hey im sorrrryyy for lashing out yesterday. i just feel guilty about the whole thing and i was afraid to tell you... also i think im in love with jeongin’ -ryujin

My eyes naturally widened at this confession. 

Love? Ryujin dated Hyunjin for a whole year! How could she fall in love with Jeongin so easily??

‘excuse me?? what the fuck did you just say cuz i think u just said u LOVE jeongin??’ 

‘stfu. just hear me out, he’s a great guy and he’s just... normal’ -ryujin

Ok, time to call this bitch.

“Define normal?” I heard her sigh and adjust in her bed. She’s always been an early riser.

“Just, when I was dating Hyunjin, it felt like it had to be this perfect relationship. We were all friends before and it just seemed right that we dated. He was super nice and perfect and not to mention, hot, but it just felt superficial. I don’t know.” 

Well this was new. Ryujin never told me much about the problems in their relationship and I thought everything was going well. Well, until now.

“I mean, I get that, you shouldn’t have to date anyone you don’t like. But, you should’ve broken up with him before!” 

“You think I don’t know that? I made a mistake, ok? Can you just get off my back about it?” 

There’s that temper again. 

“Are you serious? You’re the one who texted ME in the morning.” 

“I’m just, whatever.” She paused in between her words. “You just wouldn’t understand ‘cause you’ve never been in a relationship! I just can’t describe it, ok?” And on that note, I just hung up the phone. I was in no mood to play these games with her emotional roller coasters. 

I bit my lip, knowing she would probably call me more times for hanging up on her, but I wasn’t in the mood. I was caught in between two of my friends, and I knew who was in the right and who was treating me better. 

I saw my phone light up a few more times, which made me curious as to what she was sending me.

‘Hey, do you wanna have breakfast with me this morning?’ -hyunjin

I raised a brow. This was not the message I was expecting. 

‘only if you’re paying’

‘deal’ 

-----

Soft r&b played from the speakers as I sipped from my small cup of apple juice, yes, I still drink apple juice. 

“So, how are you feeling?” I finally asked the boy. 

He was wearing a black tshirt and jeans and his hair was messier than usual. I could tell he wasn’t getting lots of sleep. 

“As good as I can be.” He shuffled around in his chair like he had more to say. “Just, it’s still crazy to me. Getting cheated on... it’s a whole new feeling.” 

I nodded, but I couldn’t relate to it. 

“Yeah...” I trailed off, not really knowing what to say or how to cheer him up. 

We locked eyes suddenly and I grew shy. Hyunjin was always hot in my eyes, even though I pretended he wasn’t, for my friend’s sake. And for mine. 

“What did she say when you talked to her?” 

I laughed. “She totally flipped on me and told me to leave. I have no idea what’s going on with her right now. She’s lashing out for no reason.” I confessed. 

“Yeah, she’s acting more temperamental lately. She always had a temper but this time... this time it’s out of control.” 

I nodded, understanding what he was talking about. Ryujin was a feisty girl with lots of emotions. I respect her for being in tune with her emotions, but sometimes her actions go too far. Most guys thought it was hot though. 

“Anyways, I don’t want to talk about her anymore. What about you? Any relationship problems?”

I forced a small smile. “Nope, all the guys that were ‘into me’ were trying to use me to get to her.” 

Hyunjin took a bite out of his sandwich and shook his head. “Stone cold Slytherin.” I laughed at that one.

“Stone cold Slytherin indeed.”

“You know, Ryu has never watched any of the Harry Potter movies?? Which is crazy because I swear the first time we talked to each other it was about what Hogwarts house we would be in.” 

I nodded slowly. “Yes, yes I do know that my best friend has never watched the movies. And it pains me everyday.” He rolled his eyes at my teasing tone. “Also, I think that’s because you guys met in Mrs. Park’s English class which I also happened to be in. Remember, we all were friends first?” 

I thought back to those days, those simpler times. Hyunjin and Ryujin only dated for a year, but they’d known each other since our first year of high school. We were all somewhat of friends, more like acquaintances. But one day, their friendship just went to the next level. 

Hyunjin nodded his head slowly. “Yeah, you’re right. Ryujin isn’t as nerdy as you.” I scoffed, knowing that was not true. I was the dumbest in the friend group. 

“Alright, whatever you say.” I was out of witty banter. 

We called for the check and walked slowly to his car. For a moment, we just seemed like two friends. Two kids from school who were eating breakfast together.

But we weren’t really. I was his ex-girlfriend’s best friend. And he was the guy my best friend cheated on. 

And we were both losing a person who was ignoring us. 

“This is me. See you sometime?” His expression was hard to read and I didn’t know if he was saying this just to be kind or if he actually meant it. Either way, I didn’t care. 

“Sure. See you.” I waved at him awkwardly and he gave me a small wave back.

-------

A few weeks went by and soon, Ryujin and I were back to normal. I still texted Hyunjin quite often, but Ryujin didn’t know that. It’s not like I was lying to her, but I didn’t feel like she needed to know. It’s not like we were going behind her back and doing anything. He just needed a friend, and so did I.

The whole world was on lockdown and school got shut down early. Everyone was locked in their homes and told to keep a distance from each other in public. My electricity bill was off the charts and I was living off of Netflix for entertainment. Sometimes Ryujin came over, but she was the only one I really saw. She was an only child, so I pitied her. 

“Ok, this one or this one?” She held up two outfits that were completely different. One was a dark green shirt that tied in the front and sparkly paired with black jeans that flared slightly at the bottom. The other was a pink blouse with flowers paired with a blue denim skirt.

I looked up from my phone and sat up on the ground.

“That dark green one, it compliments your skin tone and the jeans are cute.” She nodded and tossed the other on her bed. 

“Great, Jeongin will love this.” 

“Are you sure he understands fashion? He’s like 12.” I felt a pillow hit me face in an instant, but the comment was worth it. The age jokes never got old. 

“Shut up! He’s the same age as me, only a grade younger. You know because I skipped a grade.” She bragged. I rolled my eyes and went back to playing on my phone. 

“Okay~ Whatever you say. I’m just saying, your boobies hanging out might confuse him-” 

She gave me a glare to shut me up from finishing. I shrugged and looked down at my phone. 

“Should you even be hanging out with him? We aren’t supposed to hang out with people during this time.” 

Ryujin snorted. “It’s my boyfriend, am I supposed to ignore him? I’d rather die.” I rolled my eyes are her insensitive statement. “Plus, aren’t we hanging out right now? You’re not my family.” Ouch, I’d always considered Ryujin family, but I guess she didn’t feel the same.

“That’s different. We’re best friends and I consider you my sister, since you don’t have one.” I spat. She narrowed her eyes at me and I saw the wheels turning in her head to clap back.

“Whatever, these rules are impossible."

I stayed quiet for a little bit, but I had so much to say. 

“What? If you have something to say, spit it out.” Wow, was her aggressive tone always this annoying?

I threw up my hands in aggravation. “Fine, I just think you’re moving on too fast from Hyunjin. You just broke up with him-”

“I cheated on him.”

“Ok, you cheated on him. Shouldn’t you wait a little longer to get into a relationship? It’s ... It’s sort of cruel.”

She narrowed her eyes at me but her eyes softened. 

“Look, what happened happened already. He knows I have feelings for someone else. I have to live for myself, ok? I’ll see you later.” 

She left the room and I knew that was my queue to leave her house. 

I picked up my phone and checked my messages before I left. I only had one, how popular of me. 

‘what are you doing right now?’ -hyunjin

I furrowed my brows. His timing was impeccable. 

‘um... nothing now. why?’ 

‘can you meet up rn?’ 

My eyebrows rose in surprise. Mr. Rule Follower wants to break the rules of quarantine? Interesting. 

‘... we aren’t supposed to hang out unnecessarily right now.’ I reminded him, just in case he forgot. 

I stood from Ryujin’s floor and started to look for my car keys. The perks of being the youngest sibling is that I was given my older brother’s car when he went off to college. Sadly, he’s back, but we share the car.

‘my mom is sick. shes getting tested today’ 

I froze. 

You never expect those words to come out of your friend’s mouth.

‘where r u?’

------

I got in my car and booked it. It’s like I was moving faster than I could think. 

Hyunjin’s parents were divorced and he lived with his father, so I knew he was safe to be around. But still, he saw his mom during the summers and occasionally throughout the year. They were close.

I drove up to his house and saw him sitting there with his head buried in his arms.

“Shit.” 

I parked on the side of the road and ran out as soon as I could. He jolted up when he heard the slam of my car. 

“y/n-”

I grabbed him and immediately pulled him into a hug. I wasn’t sure why I did it, but it felt right. 

“It’s ok, it’s going to be ok.” I said before I could think. I wasn’t sure she was going to be ok, or if he was going to be ok, but he didn’t need to know that.

I felt him shake as tears he sobbed into my shoulder. 

“She’s so old, y/n. I’m so scared. I hope she doesn’t have it. I fucking hope so bad.” I squeezed him tighter. Tears fell slowly from my eyes as I felt his pain. 

“I’m sorry. We’ll be ok. It’ll be ok.” I rubbed his back soothingly and sat on the steps with him when he calmed down. 

“I’m sorry for being such an emotional mess right now, I hope you weren’t anywhere important when I texted you. Honestly, I called Ryujin first but she didn’t pick up.” He mumbled the last part.

I frowned, but realized why she didn’t pick up. 

“You look guilty, why?” 

I thought about lying to him, but what was the use? 

“I was actually at her house when you texted me... she was getting ready to go on a date with Jeongin.” I admit. 

I saw his face contort and he let out a few strangled cries. I pulled him closer to me and felt his head on my shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, I told her not to go.” 

“Why? We broke up already. She made her choice.” 

He took a small glance at him. His face was red and puffy; his sleep schedule was also not getting better. I knew that because we always texted at 1am. 

“I know my opinion doesn’t matter, but I think she made the wrong one.” 

He turned to face me and we locked eyes. 

Usually with other guys, I’m skittish and sometimes awkward. I wanted to get away from them as soon as I could. But with Hyunjin, I felt at peace. I felt comfortable with him, safe even. 

The boy gave me a small smile and patted me on the back. He rested his head on my shoulder again. 

“Your opinion always matters, and thank you. For everything.”

“It’s not a problem.” I pet his head like I’ve seen in movies. I don’t think I’ve ever comforted a guy besides my brother. And my brother did not like to get his hair pet. 

I guess Hyunjin didn’t either when he shot up. I gave him a startled look.

“What-”

“It is a problem. Why do you run to everyone who needs help, y/n?” 

I froze in my spot, not knowing what to say. 

“Um, I don’t know. I guess I’m just good at helping people. I like comforting people. I like making people happy.” I tried to cheer him up. I did not want him to feel like he was a burden.

Hyunjin moved out of my grasp and faced me. 

“Doesn’t it get tiring though? I’ve never seen you get sad about something. And you got rejected from your dream college that we’ve been talking about for years. Still, nothing.” 

I laughed and looked away. This conversation was getting too focused on me and I wanted to shift the topic immediately. 

“Um, well of course I get sad. It’s just I deal with my emotions better when I’m alone. I don’t mind people seeing me sad I just want alone time when I’m upset.” That was a good answer. 

He wasn’t buying it though. 

A calming silence washed over us for a short moment. He kicked a small rock to the side and it trickled down the steps. 

“Why do I feel like that’s a cop out answer?” 

I was about to give him a snarky response, but I saw the pain in his eyes. He wanted to be distracted from his pain and wanted to focus on me. 

“Do you ever feel like you’re just a side character of someone else’s story?” I blurt out. Immediately, I felt like I shared too much about myself, but I couldn’t take it back. 

His silence made me anxious. So anxious.

I started to shake my leg, a nervous habit I had. Suddenly, he placed a gentle hand on my leg to stop it from shaking. 

“Bad habit. Also, I guess I haven’t before. Because we are actually the protagonists of our own story. Even you.” He peered deeply into my eyes to get his point across. I gave him a weak smile because I knew he wanted to cheer me up. But I didn’t need cheering up, I accepted that I wasn’t protagonist material. I accepted it a long time ago.

But he didn’t need to know that. 

“You’re right. I’m being silly.”

“Oh c’mon, y/n. You’re not being silly. You’re an amazing person. Total main character material!” I raised my brow but said nothing. He knocked gently on my head. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” 

So many things were going through my head. Including the fact that if I were main character material, I wouldn’t be sitting here with him right now. I’d be on some date with a cute guy. And then the whole situation would blow up in my face. And I would learn from it. And everyone would forgive me except maybe one or two people, but I would be ok with that because I learned from my mistakes and am a better person.

But that’s not me. I don’t make mistakes. I pick up the pieces of those who make mistakes. I fix them. I heal them. I’m the one who makes the main character realize they’re a shitty person. 

“Too many things, Hyunjin. Too many things.” I whispered. 

We said nothing for a while until he wrapped his arms around me. 

“I hope your mom is ok.” I quietly said as I rested my head on his shoulder. 

“Yeah, I hope so too. And I hope you realize your worth one day.” 

------

‘she’s not sick!! the tests came back negative!! WOOO! party at my house... ok virutal party lol’ -hyunjin

I cheered alone in my room. The test results came back pretty quickly yet it seemed like forever ago when Hyunjin cried in my arms. And we ended up spending the whole day together after I vented my feelings to him. But that’s besides the point. 

‘that’s awesome bro!!!! im so happy !!!!!!’ 

‘:) Thanks for being the best friend i have right now lol’ -hyunjin

I paused at the words ‘best friend’. I knew he didn’t mean best friend, but it still made me smile. 

Honestly, it was pretty cool being friends with Hyunjin and I wished that we were closer friends sooner. I guess I didn’t want to get too close in case him and Ryujin broke up. I didn’t know I’d be comforting him and not her.

‘ofc. u deserve happiness hyunjin’ 

He didn’t respond for a couple of minutes which concerned me. He would usually tell me if he was busy, but he just left suddenly. 

I tried not to think much about it so I set my phone on my table. I kept peering down at my phone every few minutes, but still nothing. 

I pulled out a good book and started to read a few pages. 

“y/n! I think your friend is here.” 

I furrowed my brows and closed my book with a pink bookmark keeping my page. 

“Friend? Didn’t know Ryujin was coming over.” I whispered. “Ok dad, I’ll be there!” I threw off blanket and opened the door. I shuffled to the front door and opened it. I ignored my dad’s weird looks as he made his way back to his room. 

Once I opened the door, I saw not Ryujin, but Hyunjin. 

His face was bright and I couldn’t help but smile back. His happiness was contagious, which is why he was so well-liked. 

He finally fixed his hair that was getting long due to the quarantine, but it suit him. He wore gray shorts with a sweater on top. 

I was suddenly aware of the gray shorts I had on. 

“Hey, we’re matching.” I said lamely. He laughed with his eye smile which was his best look. “What are you doing here?” 

“Wow, I’m hurt, no hello Hyunjin, I hear you come bearing good news.” 

I laughed. “You texted me said good news.” 

“I know, but I was wondering if you wanted to hang out right now...?” I crossed my arms and leaned against the door.

“Hyunjin, we aren’t supposed-”

“I know, I know, but I’m bored! I’m an only child too you know and I only live with my dad who hasn’t gone anywhere. And neither have I unless to see you. I know you follow the rules, so you’ve probably only seen Ryujin besides your immediate family.” 

I hesitated, wondering if it was the right thing to do. My heart was saying yes, but my brain wasn’t sure.

“Just go, honey. Just be safe.” My dad’s voice boomed. I looked back and saw him giving a thumbs up. 

“Really dad?” He nodded.

“Yes, but sure not to come in contact with any other people.” 

I held my pinky up, and I noticed Hyunjin was holding his up too.

“Promise.” 

------

The roads were so empty. 

“You make me! Feel like I’m living a, TEENAGE DREAM!” 

Hyunjin and I bumped to Katy Perry bops as we drove through a deserted city. 

“Don’t ever look back! Don’t ever look back~” 

“My heart stops!! When you look at me!” I sang. 

“Just one touch, now baby I believe~” He playfully poked me. 

“This! Is! Real! So take a chance and don’t ever look back~” I finished. 

He turned down the volume as we reached our destination. 

An empty parking lot. 

“Aw, how romantic.” I joked. 

“Sorry, not much places were open.” He gave me a small smile as he parked the car and rolled down the windows. We didn’t get out in case other people were around. 

I unbuckled my seat belt and turned to him. He was already staring at me.

“I’m really, really happy about your mom,” I said finally. He smiled, I had never seen him this happy for almost a month now, ever since Ryujin cheated on him. 

“Thank you. Also, thank you for being there when I needed you.” 

I thought back to a few days ago when he was sobbing in my arms. I felt my heart shatter for him. I loved his mom too, she was always around when we were at school and was just a ball of light. 

“It’s no problem.” 

"Right, because you’re ‘a side character’.” He used quotation marks with his fingers to get the point across. 

I rolled my eyes and pushed him. “Stop! It’s true though.” 

He looked at me again, his eyes saying “explain”. 

“Stop giving me that look. It’s completely obvious.” 

“Tell me again, how is this obvious? Because, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but all of your thoughts are yours. You see things from YOUR eyes, your point of view, and whatever. Your life is your life; no one else is the main character y/n.”

I hated when he said my name so much. It reminded me too much of myself. I always made sure to use people’s names in sentences to show that I knew their name and to make them feel special. I knew what he was trying to do. I hated that it was working.

“Look, if I was the main character of my own story, then why would my only purpose right now to be helping yours and Ryujin’s?” 

He flinched at my words. 

“What?” 

I sighed, feeling uncomfortable again when the topic was focused on me.

“You know what I mean. For months now, it feels like all I do is to help Ryujin’s character development. And maybe even yours. She’s the one who makes shitty decisions, I’m the one who fixes them for her. She says stupid things, and I’m the one who makes her apologize. She even gets accepted into Seoul University, leaving me behind. I just feel like everyone is accelerating and changing while I’m static! I’m the same as I was in freshman year, sophomore, junior and now senior. I’m the same person!” 

Hyunjin stayed silent while I ranted. My chest rose and fell from my heavy breathing and my cheeks were dusted with pink. 

“Also, if I wasn’t a side character, would I be here, hanging out with you, to help you get over my best friend cheating on you?” 

He had no response for my words. And I knew he wouldn’t because he knew I was right. I was the push to get them back together. I was probably going to get a text or a call sometime by Ryujin while she begs for them to get back together. Or to ask me to fix this whole situation. 

I was right. 

“You really think I ask you to hang out so much because I want your help to get over Ryujin?” 

His accusing tone shocked me, and it made me nervous. 

I tried not to focus on the police cars passing by and calmed my nerves. 

“Um... yeah, why...”

He wasn’t looking at me initially, like he was focusing on something outside of the car. 

“Y/N, I ask you to hang out so much because I like hanging out with you.” He confessed. 

At my lack of words, he kept going and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Just... this is hard to say... but I-I feel like I made a mistake dating Ryujin.” He blurted. This definitely got my attention. 

“What??”

“Please let me finish.” The desperation in his eyes lulled me to listen. 

“We were a good couple at first, but the chemistry wasn’t there. We never clicked. We didn’t talk about the same things and we could never have a deep conversation. Everything we talked about was so surface level or about her problems. She was fun to be with and a great girl while it lasted, but it wasn’t like when we hung out, even when I was still dating Ryu, we got along better. 

We could talk about conspiracy theories and weird things in history like it was normal! You were always the first one I talked to when I read a new book or if I learned a cool fact. I could never do that with her and I hate that I just realized it after we broke up. And when I started to hang out with you.

It was always you all long, y/n. It was always you.” 

What on earth was going on right now? This isn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to fix this relationship-

“Ok, I see you’re kind of freaking out. And it’s freaking me out, please say something.” 

My leg wasn’t even shaking, that’s how numb I was at this conversation. 

“I-” my voice trailed off, like I couldn’t get the words out. 

“I have a lot to think about. I’m sorry, I can’t... I-” Tears filled my eyes. I didn’t know what was going on. This stuff never happened to me. Am I supposed to give an answer right away? That’s impossible! I need to talk to Ryujin first and maybe my brother and then just ignore the whole situation. 

“It’s fine, take as long as you need.” 

The drive back was silent, contrary to what it was before. I regret not taking my own car. I regret even hanging out with him in the first place. 

As soon as we got to my house, I got out.

“Thanks for the ride.” I mumbled, because I still had manners. 

“Hey y/n.” 

I paused and turned around, mortified of what he was to say next.

“I meant everything I said when I said it has always been you. I think.. I think if you think about our memories together, you’ll see that. 

I just.. I just needed you to know that.” 

I nodded slowly, unsure of what to say. 

Then he was gone.

-------

My first reaction was to eat my pain away, but I couldn’t even finish my banana. 

Ryujin would never forgive me for dating her ex boyfriend right? That’s girl code 101. Even if she did cheat on him. Or does that cancel out if she cheated? 

I downed a cup of water in anger. 

“Woah, slow down there, you don’t want to drown yourself.” I slammed the cup down and glared at my older brother.

“Chan, please. I’m not in the mood right now.” I tried stomping away from him, but he kept talking. Like always. 

“Uh oh, is it because of your boy? I can beat him up if you want.” I felt my cheeks turn red. 

“No! Don’t beat him up. And he’s not my boy. He’s Ryujin’s.” I muttered. 

“Wooo what? That’s a plot twist! Dad said he was completely smitten with you though. And Dad’s usually never wrong about boys and their feelings. He’s a therapist you know-” 

“I know who my father is, thank you very much! And, ugh, God, I can’t even.” I couldn’t even make it to my room before I collapsed on the floor. 

In the blink of an eye, Chan was sitting next to me. “Woah there, okay, this is some teenage angst I don’t know how to deal with anymore.” 

Anger rushed through my body at his words. And I’m not sure why. 

“Shut up! I don’t have teen angst! I don’t have any problems, ok? Just Ryujin cheated on this guy. And now I don’t know what to do!” 

Chan was silent for a moment, unusual for a person like him.

“What? What do you mean what do you do?” 

“I mean, how do I fix it?” 

Chan laughed. “Fix what?” 

“Fix their problems, are you not understanding what is going on here?” 

Chan stood up, then picked me up. I would usually struggle but he plopped my on the couch, so I was ok with him... for now.

“Y/n, it isn’t your job to fix other people’s problems. How about you focus on your own right now?” 

I peered down at my hands, embarrass to tell him what was going on in my life. I felt like such a trader. I helped my friend her whole life and suddenly, I was catching feels for her ex-boyfriend. 

I opened my mouth to speak, but I got cut off my a buzz in my pocket. Then I got like 10 more. I pulled my phone out and saw the texts from Ryujin.

‘i think i made a mistake’

‘i dont like jeongin that much anymore’

‘hes not a gentleman like hyunjin!! he doesnt even pull out my chair when i sit or open doors for me. plus jeongin is lowkey childish and he is always pulling pranks on me!’ 

‘tell me what 2 do?? how do i fix this?!!??!!?’

‘also my parents are fighting again and it’s sooooo irritating !!!!’

‘sos 911 aaahhhh’ 

“Who is it? What do they say?” Chan asked curiously. I shoved him away from reading my phone. 

“They’re from Ryujin. She’s already regretting dating Jeongin. The guy she cheated with Hyunjin on.” I wasn’t sure the sentence made sense, but Chan would understand.

Chan’s eyes widened. “Damn, dick move.” I gritted my teeth.

“And now, she misses Hyunjin. She says Jeongin doesn’t compare to Hyunjin who is nice and a gentleman. And her parents are fighting again. I got to go help.” I stood up to grab my keys, but Chan stopped me.

“Tell me why you were upset earlier.” 

His stern voice shook me. 

“Y/n, tell me.” 

Suddenly, my tears were unable to hide and fell freely onto my cheeks. Chan’s face didn’t soften, but he let go of my arm. 

“Tell-”

“Fine! Hyunjin told me he liked me. And that he regretted ever dating Ryujin.” 

I fell down on the couch while Chan held me close. He pet my head, like I did to Hyunjin earlier. I guess that was a good comforting tactic. 

“And now, Ryujin wants him back. What am I supposed to do?” I whispered. 

“Do you like him back?” 

I paused. 

Did I like him back? I wasn’t sure...

Chan patted my back and stood. “I’m gonna make us some lunch, sit here and think about it. And don’t you dare think about responding to those texts.” 

Hwang Hyunjin. 

We’ve been in school together since we were kids. We saw each other grow up. We were never close, but we wouldn’t be awkward if we were paired together in a project. 

He was always nice to me. He would remember my name contrary to all the boys in our grade. I faded into the background, especially when I became friends with Ryujin in the sixth grade. 

We were in acapella together and we were always in the same friend groups, especially when Ryujin and Hyunjin got closer. 

Everyone would yell and shout at us if we started talking about a book we just read or conspiracy theory we saw online. Or when we were both contemplating being vegan when we saw a deer get hit by a truck. 

He was the one who encouraged me to wear makeup even if Ryujin told me I was shit at it. He was the one who told me I could join acapella even if I was too shy to be on stage, because he was too. He was the one who dressed up as Harry Potter characters with me when no one else wanted to. He was the one I went to when I wanted to talk about the things I loved most. 

He was the one... He was the one all along. 

“Oh my god. It’s always been Hyunjin. Oh my god.” 

Chan set down a crappy sandwich in front of me, but I was on a mission. 

“You figure it out?” 

“Yes, yes I did! But what do I tell Ryujin?” 

Chan scoffed. “What do you tell Ryujin? She’s the one who cheated on him. And she’s always been a crappy friend to you.” I frowned. Ryujin wasn’t the best friend, but she was my best friend...  

“If she’s truly your best friend, she’ll forgive you for this. So go, go get your manz.” I cringed at his language. He was not as young as he thought. 

Then, I realized something. 

I looked at Chan who was just sitting on the couch, cheering me on. 

“Oh my god, you’re a side character in my story.”

The made him pause before he took a bit. “Uh, ok? Aren’t we all each other’s side characters? The protag will always be ourselves, dork. Now go!”

I ran out the door and checked my phone. Those can be dealt with later. Or right now. I’m not sure. Maybe at the same time. 

I jumped in my car and called Ryujin and put her on speaker. 

“Hello? Y/n?? Where have you been, I texted you like 20 minutes ago! I said SOS!” 

“Am I your best friend?” 

“W-what? Where is this coming from? Yes, of course you are-”

“Then you’ll forgive me for anything right?” 

She paused. 

“Maybe. I’m not sure, you’ve never really done anything wrong.”

I gulped. You can’t back down now.

“Is everything ok, y/n?”

“I have something to tell you. And you’re going to hate me for it.” 

“What?”

There was silence.

“What, y/n, seriously-”

“I have feelings for Hyunjin!” I shouted. 

Dead silence. I could hear the few cars driving in my neighborhood and kids laughing outside. The silence was terrifying.

“You what?” 

“I have feelings for Hyunjin. Your ex-boyfriend.” 

I heard shuffling on the other side. 

“Y-you can’t. He’s my ex-boyfriend. That’s breaking girl code, and I am not over him. What the hell, y/n?”

I felt tears fall from my eyes. This is not how I wanted this to go. But this is what I expected. 

“I’m sorry. But my whole life, I have been living for you. Ever since I met you. And this time, I have to do things for myself. I’m sorry but I- I want to be selfish and I want to make mistakes that you’re gonna have to decide if you forgive me for. 

I want to be the main character of my story right now.” 

“Y/n, wait-”

I hung up the phone. I couldn’t let her get in the way of me living for me. Even if it was selfish and bitchy. I need to make mistakes to grow. And I haven’t made many ground breaking mistakes in the past, but this one feels pretty good. 

I parked outside of Hyunjin’s house and ran up the steps. 

Before I could knock on my door, it opened revealing a disheveled Hyunjin. 

“You came.” 

I was shocked at his sudden appearance, but nodded. 

“I did, um, how did you get to the door so quickly?”

“I was waiting.” A cute blush danced across his face. 

How have I not seen him before? For how I truly feel about him?

For a minute, we didn’t know what to say. 

“I-”

“I-”

We laughed. 

“You first,” he said.

I cleared my throat. 

“Hyunjin, um, I’m not very good at speeches to declare my feelings. Most likely because I’ve suppressed them over the years and haven’t shown them to anybody. 

I’m dumb and stupid and now I’m selfish because I don’t care what anyone thinks right now because I realized that I am falling in love with you.” 

His eyes grew to the size of his hand at my words. 

“What?” 

I laughed nervously. 

“Um, I was .. I was talking to my brother. And I just realized that every moment in my life that I was insecure or unsure of something, you helped me through it. And when I just wanted to talk about something nerdy like a book or a poem that made me cry, I wanted to talk to you. 

It really has been you all along.” I whispered the last sentence, but I knew he heard it. 

He took my hands and wrapped them around his waist. 

“I’m falling in love with you too. I think I always have been a little, which sounds fucking up since I dated Ryujin. But I think we both knew we weren’t right for each other.” 

I nodded, feeling safe in his embrace. 

Then, I felt him hold my face and bent down to kiss me. His lips were soft and it felt like he was hesitant. Before I lost the courage, I pulled him closer. I could feel his smile across my lips. 

He made my heart flutter like I was reading a cute romance novel. 

Except I was in the romance novel now. 

And I was the protagonist. 

[ruinedandnotorious]

tumblr, listen.

i have a lot on my mind and i need to get it out and i have too many other people looking at my other social media accounts to say it all there. i should’ve known my old pal tumblr would be there for me.

woo lord, i am frustrated. and anxious. i keep feeling like i’m on the precipice of something. that all of my work and hope and traction is going to lead... somewhere. somehow. sometime. but i don’t know how or with who and certainly not when and i wish the when was yesterday. 

i have so many ideas i can’t get off the ground for whatever reason. i’ve tried though! i sent off some applications, submissions and emails this week that will hopefully yield some kind of results. yesterday i was very much in that mindset of, “they can bite you, but they can’t eat you,” so i just went for things. 

i’ve put things out into the world, but it never hurts to put them out there more. so, here goes.

i am lucky to have the job that i have. the money sucks, but my boss is super flexible with my time and supportive of my volunteer work. i actually really like every single coworker, which has never happened before, lol. 

right now, though, we are only working 30 hours... which is PERFECT for my mental health, but AWFUL for things like rent and bills. i’m making it, but that’s literally it. i need more money, majorly. but man, i enjoyed the hell out of unemployment last year. i want a new job - one that pays well - and one that doesn’t feel like work. i know, that’s everyone’s dream. but i feel like i am so close to getting there but it’s always just out of reach.

my job is fine, truly. it’s easy. it’s cushy - i’m working from home, thank god. BUT staying inside all day is getting to me physically and, unless i have a work meeting or am recording my podcast, i don’t talk to anyone but my cat (and my mom, by phone), so it can really drain my mental health. but i also don’t want to get out too much because, hello, goddamn covid.

this last year has taught me a lot, but it’s also changed how i socialize. i’ve always been introverted but it’s worse now and i’m picky about who/how i socialize. i have this one friend that i’ve known since elementary school. we’ve always been friends, but never super close. we have nothing in common, literally nothing. for a while, that didn’t matter. it was fun to catch up. now, though? the friendship feels like a chore. i hate saying that. but i don’t know that either of us get anything out of it, really. but she keeps trying to reach out and i’ve ignored her every time. i’ve ignored her for MONTHS. she deserves a response. but i also know that any response will just fuel the fire. i hate to be like, can we not? but every time i try to work myself up to respond to her, i just can’t. it’s like my brain is like, no, we’re not saying anything. no. don’t even consider it. i just have this block. i feel so bad saying that. she’s done nothing wrong! but i also know i tiptoe around stuff because, again, we have nothing in common, so it’s not like i can just freely speak my mind about anything. she doesn’t give a shit about anything i’m into an vice versa, so it’s frustrating to just update my life like, “well, i work, that’s it.” because she doesn’t give a damn about anything else i’m doing or am into. UGH. like. why does she want to keep this going? i had someone - like a best friend (not this friend i’m talking about, but one that’s much closer to me) - tell me recently that i am a shitty friend so... this is proof. yay.

anyway. i met someone recently who blew my damn mind. she’s a spiritual advisor/counselor, and we instantly connected about so many things but i also learned so much from her - in just the few hours we talked. i want to do an actual session with her, but her rates are high and i don’t have the money. i’ve thought about asking her if i could trade some social media services for a session - like basically be her social manager for a month - but i also know money is money and she’s worth actual money, not likes/followers on social. i don’t know. i do not want to disrespect her; i know she’s worth every penny.

but she did confirm some things i’ve wondered about in terms of those i’ve lost. she gave me a bit of peace. but i have more questions. like, a whole page of questions, lol.

she also opened my eyes to some healing work i need to do on myself... in a lot of ways, but especially in regards to my last job and how they fucked me over. i have so much anger and hurt from that, a year later. and i even consider what they did to me a blessing - it’s really led to a life that is more in line with what i actually want and value. i’m just angry at how it all went down and how they still act - or don’t - toward me. 

the mag i work for let me write about my dad’s passing and the complications of covid grief, so that was great - i had an outlet for that. but how do you go about getting your feelings out about your last employer... who’s a major player in town and who drives tourism for the city.. lol. i’m sure i’ll let it all out here sooner or later.

i jumped back on a dating site, 100% for the distraction, not because i thought i’d actually meet someone. which is probably why i haven’t, lol. like... no one even comes close to what i think i want in a man. i keep hoping someone will show up at the cemetery... yes when i’m covered in graveyard dirt and sweat and looking my worst... i also feel bad that i keep hoping the cemetery will answer all of life’s questions and fix me in all the ways. like. my expectations are too high - of a cemetery! - so i’m sure my expectations for a guy are too high too.

i’m also not ready to meet someone because i am physically just not into a relationship either. i’m my biggest i’ve ever been. i was doing so well at  becoming body neutral - just accepting of my body, not so much loving it - but woo lord, i somehow gained like 10 pounds over the last week and i am feeling it, big time. idk how i’ve gained so much when i mostly eat at home? and i don’t think i’m eating THAT bad at home? i never fry anything? i do eat a lot of cheese i guess. i don’t know. gonna go to the doctor soon and i’m sure THAT will be a fun visit. plus, my hands - especially my left hand - has really bad trigger finger (i’m guessing that’s what it is, it meets all of the symptoms on webmd lol) and it hurts so bad. i don’t wanna go back to an ortho. 

there are other issues, specifically concerning shark week (i asked my psych doc about it and she made me feel normal, so thank god for her), that i’ve got to get squared away, too. it feels like my body has just ran away from me and i can’t control any part of it.

i’ve read so many good books in the last year, holy shit. lately i’ve been watching movies while i work and holy shit, classic movies are so damn good. claude rains, man. 

pose is amazing. blanca is like, the perfect human ever? if ever i run away to start a new life, i’m using the name elektra abundance. i. love. elektra. so. much. 

i’m angry at myself because i’ve always wanted to collect mini brands and dammit i finally bought my first ball and... yep. i wanna get ‘em all. they are $7 a ball. i don’t need this stupid, expensive thing to be into.

that’s just it. i wish i had the money for little frivolous things like that. there’s an edgar allan poe tarot deck at my local witchy shop that i am DYING for. i want a new tattoo - not even anything that big or expensive! 

i really want a damn vacation. i feel so bad saying that. but i just want out of this area for a second.

SIGH.

generally... life’s alright. i just want it to be better and maybe a little more exciting.

[lucidpantone]

Do you rent in New York or you have a mortgage? I wanna move to NYC so bad after covid

Also thanks everyone for congratulating me. I feel really adult now and its kinda of scary when I think about it but am also super excited.

This is super long but its for my anon. I love talking about NYC real estate so let me tell you everything I know. Also if you make it here hit me up and I’ll take you out for a beer.

I have rented for years in NYC at least a decade on/off. I have lived in queens, bk and manhattan. I have paid $600 for rent and up to $2100 for rent. Its all about location in the city and also living conditions and what job you have. When I paid $600 it was my very first apartment I didnt live their long it was more like i just got to the city i needed a place to live in for a couple of months that was cheap but it was literally a closet deep in queens like basically long island at that point. So it wasnt the kinda of place you would stay in long. This is what I suggest you do. Look for a place in crown heights BK for $700-800 a month maybe for 3 months just to have somewhere to sleep at night while you find a job and get to know the city. Try to move to nyc with 2k in savings. My next move was to Astoria which is a young neighborhood in queens and super close to the city. Lived in another closest for $800 but I was by the city at least. I was in my first year of grad school so I didnt really have time to work so my options were limited but in my 2nd year of grad school I got a job working in this super fancy restaurant in the meat packing district and made bank in tips and thats when I got a “real” apt. Also I have so many stories about serving the super wealthy and movie stars in the meat packing.It was wild. You want to get a job like this just to get on your feet. The fancier the better tips but honestly even shitty dive bars in the east village have good tips. New yorkers are very generous because most have been where you are. Anyways my new apt was about 1k but the roommate was hell so I bounced out of there after 3 months and got an apt where I would come to meet my best friend and soul sister in the city. I got the biggest room I have ever lived in for 1100k in prime astoria and it was such a good apt. We had a hellish roommate but eventually she left. All these apartments were in Astoria. Astoria is a very affordable hip area to live in. I saved up my money graduated grad school got a real job and then finally I made the move into the city. Manhattan living is expensive. NYC isnt like anywhere else the money upfront they want for a studio is insane. So if your moving here do not aim to get an apt go on one of the roommate sites and just sneak into a apt where someone is moving out. So I moved into a shoebox in the Upper west side. It was $1850 and you had to pay first, last and security and the brokers fee (Oh lets not get into brokers fees people they are wild) so that was basically 1850x4 just for a shoebox studio(FYI everything is tiny in NYC, all the living spaces are micro. get use to it). So almost 8k but finally i got to live on my own. Lived there for 2 years. Move to chelsea because the UWS is beautiful but very family centric lived in this dope asf triplex in chelsea and paid 1900. Then left NYC to replace a colleague in London for maternity leave for about 16months. London is sooooo cheap compared to NYC its like the kiddie pool for expensive ass real estate. Thats why I laugh when brits are like its so expensive like bish you dont know expensive okay. When I got back I took over my friends place for the summer because she left to her hamptons pad and so I basically house sat but also paid reduced rent it was 1400 in prime Williamsburg. My friend is rich asf so my hard earned rent was her play money. After the summer ended I finally signed another real lease and thats where am at now. I adore this apartment its in prime williamsburg semi-lux and I just treated myself when I got this place. I work in a super stressful job so for me am at this point I dont mind paying to feel comfortable and have perks. I work my fucking ass off I deserve it. Ok so details on my new pad. So am going back to chelsea..... covid is a bish but lets thank her for crashing the nyc real estate market because there is no way i would be buying this apt if covid hadnt happened. I had been considering buying for a few years so I ave been saving but with no real plan. I told my dad last year during covid april that if the market dropped maybe I should buy. My family is from LA so my dad gets paying 2k in rent he did it for years too and he has been wanting me to get out of the rental market. Metro city rental markets are a racket. Anyways this would not be possible without my father. He basically said you get half the deposit saved and I will lend you the other half. Well around feb I had the half and my dad was like ok cool you find something let me know.Do not get me wrong my apt needs a TON of work thats why its so well priced and when I mean well priced I mean stupid expensive but well priced for NYC. I am going to need to redo the floors, rip out the kitchen, rip out the bathroom. Install overhead lighting, rebrick the fireplace and paint everywhere but its mine also am gonna have two months where I carry rent and a mortgage so I have 60 days to basically renovate if I get desperate I will sleep on my besties couch in brooklyn so I have am options but yea. Mortgage is close to my current rent at 2150 but I live in a COOP (this is going to be super confusing for the europeans. They like WTF is a coop?!?!?!) and so my building maintenance is about $800 on top of my mortgage. Its been a long decade of nyc renting to get here but I did. Now for you anon just do it. Look I tell everyone. Live in NYC for one year of your life it will change you entirely as a person you will learn to become a survivor here. What do they say? If you can make it in NYC you can make it anywhere. Its sooo hard and the city is literally the concrete jungle but its also amazing and so alive and so rich and yes you may find yourself one late night coming home after working 12hrs on your feet sitting on a brownstone stoop balling your eyes out thinking “I am not cut out for this” but I promise you the rewards you will earn back are irreplaceable. There is a reason people from all over the world flock here. It really is like no other place so if you can keep your head down. Work a couple of shitty jobs and get $1500 under you then pull the trigger. Take the leap! I promise it will change your life forever.

[taeyongbestboi]

Okay, so i just took a nap and had the most fanfic / wattpad dream EVER like idek anymore.

It goes like this

I was on a music show concert and one of the artist in the line up was nct dream (we young era OMG THEY’RE SO TINY) and i decided to buy a more expensive seating section, while my friends bought the cheaper one (it was 50 thousand rupiah and mine costed 75 thousand rupiah). It was kinda like “Spotify on Stage” or something, so they’re cheap.

Anyway, idk why but i decided to bring my dog with me and he’s just running all over the place and i noticed that the venue itself wasn’t really crowded (idk why either) and my dog accidentally went to the venue (that time the gate wasn’t even opened) and i took a peek inside and it wasn’t that big. It has 2 levels and apparently, my ticket was idk what happened but i should be on the main section (1st floor) but ended up being on the 2nd level on the LEFT WING jeez. So all of my friends went in first, they all got to the 2nd floor, leaving me and my dog behind and i patiently waited for my section’s gate to be opened.

And so, it finally open. There wasn’t anyone going to my section and i was going in alone (?) pretty weird huh. And so i sat down, kinda near the railing or a wall (the railing or wall is on my right) and who knows where my dog went but he just wasn’t with me anymore (its a dream, relax)

AND SUDDENLY

CHRISTOPHER FREAKING BANG WAS SITTING BESIDES ME.

I’m laughing rn

So he sat down. Lemme describe his physical appearance and look in DETAILS.

He’s wearing a black tshirt (duh, his usual), his hair’s blonde (MY UTMOST FAV), and he’s wearing silver jewelries like a bracelet and also skz’s necklace. He’s so pale jeeeeeeez omg and doesn’t wear that much makeup lol. You know guys, i can LITERALLY feel that he’s besides me. Creepy right omg what kind of dream

And, he’s gorgeous. Guys, he’s so gorgeous :”) i feel like crying right now

AND THEN WE TALK. WE TALKED LMAO

Okay, so i can only remember some, so it goes like this

“Whoa, aren’t you Bang Chan from Skz?”

“Yeah that’s me” and he laughed

AND THIS DREAM WAS SO MADE SENse like HE’S AUSTRALIAN AND HE SPEAKS ENGLISH AND PLEASE IMAGINE

“Wow, what are you doing here?”

“Idk, just seeing a concert, being like a normal people”

Up to this point, only two things went weird. 1st is that i have no idea where my dog went, 2nd idek which country i’m in rn. How is bangchan here watching the same show with me?

After that i just went “ahhh” while nodding and i actually told him that i want to this section alone cos apparently my friends r on another section so i’m thankful that he sits besides me.

And he got closer, talk into my ear (cos the concert’s starting) and said “you’re most welcome”

AND HE ALSO THANKED ME FOR TREATING HIM LIKE A NORMAL GUY AND NOT AS A CELEBRITY

And i did the same :/ i lean in and said “anytime”

AND

AMDISNJZSIUAKKZISB I CANT

THIS PART MAKES ME GO BOOOOOM BOOOOOOM

i’m writing this with the biggest and dumbest smile on my face dang

He said that he got kinda shy after i spoke right into his ear like that (cos we’re too close)

AND I LITERALLY WENT “NOOOO DON’T SAY THAT” and blushed hard damn boy

AND HE’S ALL CUTE AND GIDDY WHILE SAYING THAT???? U KNOW WHEN HE’S GIDDY? A giant fluff ball indeed.

Okay, so then we ended up enjoying the concert together like we’re homies. We laughed, we cheered (i cheered for the dreamies tho lol) and our shoulders would often met and we’ll laugh about it omg it was heavenly

At one point i realised that it was just a dream and i have the audacity to think “well, even if it’s just a dream, make it last” WOW I’M SO COOL LMAO

And the show ends and i forgot whether it’s before the show or after the show but Chan actually asked me out. LIKE HAHAHAHHAHA HE ASKED ME OUT YAS GURL U HEARD ME RIGHT

He said, “why don’t we hang out a little?”

And i was like :0 “o-okay...”

Well i mean, i wouldn’t mind tho??? ITS CHRISTOPHER FREAKING BANG

AHHHHHH AND AND AND I ALSO TOLD HIM (at one point on our convo before the show starts) that i actually like him and that he’s one of my bias in skz and he was like “oh, really??” And i was like “bruh, i watched your show on Januari 2019 in Jakarta!!” And we laughed (again) and he seemed happy to know that i’m a stay

Back to the topic where he asked me out and i said yes and we exchanged our contacts i forgot it was our numbers or sns? Idk i don’t remember.

ONE DAY, he really picked me up y’all. I cant anymore

So apparently, we’re in my country, in my city, basically my territory. And in this dream, i wasn’t super rich, my family was actually struggling to live. And i live in this tall but old building, alongside my neighbours who were as poor as us. We live in flats, yes, that’s the word. And the building we’re living in is actually my church building irl so it felt super real.

The one who picked me up was actually his driver. I have to pick Chan somewhere in the city. After that we decided to grab some meal and we start throwing each other silly questions

Me: “well, what’s your fav food?”

Him: “rice.” WHILE SMIRKING LIKE ????

Me: “bruh, we’re asian!! We eat rice!” I laughed

And he laughed

Akxjdndkdisnkzjdbaksj naui simjang

Me: “okay, what is your fav food OTHER than rice?”

And after that i cant remember anything anymore (about the convo :))

I also can’t remember where we had lunch, this 2nd half of my dream is just us inside his car

Then we talked about a lot of things. I remember telling him a lot about my story (i just cant remember the exact things i told him, nothing really absurd though just my interests n stuffs), and he would too, and just like that back and forth. The ambience was nice, and relaxing. That time i really felt time has stopped because irl i need to deal with quite a lot if things (that include my thesis, the struggle to keep on going as my parent’s business wasn’t in the prettiest shape due to covid-19, and other stuffs). And the fact that i really need someone to talk to atm makes the dream 1000000000000% better.

So, it was the time for us to finally call it a day. And i know by heart that after all of this end, i wouldn’t be able to meet him again. How could i? I have experienced a full day hang out with the precious Christopher Bang, i couldn’t ask for more right? It was more than enough for me and i’ll continue to be his ordinary fan. On our way back to where i live, we kinda became quite. As if none of us wanted it to end.

And

Omg i said the word ‘and’ like a thousand times now

Okay so

Listen

It was 15 minutes away from where i live, so our meeting would soon come to an end.

And he suddenly pulled out some kind of a recorder or a music player idk it has a can-like-shape, and start playing a track.

It was an unreleased track. About a girl who make his heart goes warm, someone who supports him for who he is.

I nearly cried writing this guys

And he asked me to listen to it

And i did

And i was like “chan, this is beautiful”

And U KNOW THE FEELING

OF AN INEVITABLE GOODBYE

THAT ANGSTY FEELING

INSIDE YOUR GUT

I FEEL THAT

*cries*

The song is beautiful. The lyrics, the melody, everything’s perfect.

I managed to listen to it twice, but i cant remember how it sounds like. But it was BEAUTIFUL. Trust me on this.

And i just remembered, THE SONG IS IN FREAKIN KOREAN. I cant speak korean :”) but i understands EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. Dreams r cool

And he got all giddy again with his goofy smile, and somehow my brain process it to:

‘Chan wrote that song a long time ago, probably. Well, definitely before we met. He’s now showcasing it to me and the lyrics clicked and maybe i’m the girl in the lyrics’

I don’t wanna make it sound like it’s all about me (even tho it’s my dream :”)) so i asked him

“This song is about stays, right?”

And he answered

“Well, you’re a stay right? So, yes.”

OKAY :”””””””

I feel like he felt that our meeting was destined, even though we’ll never gonna see each other again after this, we know that both of us are grateful for this meeting.

Omg i really hope that i’ll dream like that again tonight

OH SIS I’M NOT DONE YET.

So, we arrived at my place. He parked the car and i was still listening to the song and when it came to its end, IDK WHY but (please forgive me for this idek what i’m doing) and i somehow REACHED FOR HIS ABS? TRAILED IT ALL THE WAY UP WITH MY RIGHT PALM (Jesus, forgive me), and then we

Kissed.

Yes. Just like that.

And the next thing that i remember is that he accompany me until i’m outside my flat, and people on my neighbourhood wondered who’s the guy (cos he looked rich and handsome) LMAO

And then i wake up.

This is one of the few dreams that i remember that has a nice ending. The nap ends when the dream ends. It was sooooooo satisfying!

——————————————————————————

Okay thank you for listening to my unimportant story :”) i do hope one day you’ll get a sweet sweet dream of your bias just like me. Have a good day, y’all!

[yourghastlycloseness]

i wanna be a mascot too

ok so i’ve just finished my run and it’s 3.18am lmfao

my stamina has deteriorated. the last time i ran was on 26/6 (3 rounds, did it just fine) and 29/6 (4 rounds, abt 4km? did it pretty easily). today’s friday (more accurately, very early saturday morning) and i only managed 2 rounds lol. so a 5-day break is all i need for my stamina to start sucking balls

running at 3am is fun. i only ever do late night rounds around my estate out of safety concerns. i live at a street where condominium complexes are lined up one after the other, so there are security guards around at this hour, though they’re mostly old men who stare you up and down as you run and deliberately puff smoke in your path. interestingly, the edgy k00L street d00ds are the considerate ones and usually blow smoke away from my face if i run past them on the pavements

lately i’ve been more conscious about my physical safety. it started after getting followed home around 11pm-midnight by middle-aged men here and in tokyo. i used to think you had to be an attractive woman or dressed up in a way that suggests you’re ‘asking for it’ or walk through an unsafe neighbourhood or live in a society which does not recognize sexual violence against women as a problem or a combination of the aforementioned to be harassed, but these experiences taught me otherwise

when i run at night these days, i’ll keep my left earpiece on but my right one off, so i can hear footsteps, if any, behind me. i also run while looking over my shoulder every 50m just to make sure nobody around me looks dangerous. there have been a couple of stabbing cases lately

i forgot to talk abt last fri with H, last sun with A, mon with H, and a thurs hangout with C after work. the details are fuzzy, but all was good, so i’ll make a mental note here that i did social stuff these past few days too and that i had fun

come to think of it, even if i’m not in hiroshima or dotonbori right now, i’m still terribly busy; i’m juggling work, keeping up with friends, trying out new hobbies, exercising, etc.

so much of my life is going by — on this blog, i capture what goes in my head or the time i spend on my own, but rarely the events of a day spent with others. i also struggle to blog about my family because that’s just so personal to me

let me try to recall what were some things i talked to my friends about. it doesn’t feel right to share what they said, so i’ll be vague and brief where it concerns them:

H — she was telling me abt a meeting a kpop idol in person and how the encounter put her in a dreamlike state afterwards; i was talking about how i would read fan accounts of meeting idols, and how they could recall every detail of that day, from what they ate to fellow fangirls they would meet on the train. if an idol tucked stray strands of hair behind his ear, they would write a full paragraph to immortalize the scene.

it always made me feel happy and...a little spiteful. because look at this idol, commanding so much of your attention, and look at you, a mere creature in the crowd — i’m not sure my pride would ever let me openly worship another human being like that, though i fantasize about it

i do public speaking in my job (not by choice, someone get me out of here lol) and i’ve been recognized a few times by those in the audience. but whenever i deliver a talk to some 300-1000 people, i honestly cease to register human faces, even if i interact with individuals in the crowd

that might be what these idols see: a blurry, nondescript faces, highly likely made of flesh

i am deeply affected by the disparity between dreams and reality

on one end, a factory girl watches her favourite kpop idol on v live; on the other, idols bathe in (your hard-earned) cash

i want that sort of adoration for an idealized version of myself that i can control and strategically present to millions. it must be fun to be the subject of a schoolgirl or schoolboy’s daydreams, or to soothe lonely old singles who don’t have real people to direct this ‘love’ to, and yet, wish so much to give

my pride is probably why i’ve never actually bought merchandise for myself despite all my fangirling

we also talked about dancers in kpop and figure skaters

A — talked about inferiority complexes among the...non-elite (? not the right way to put it. i’d call these ppl the graduates of ‘the school of hard knocks’) and how we see these in colleagues, and find them exhausting to deal with. talked about taimane the ukulele goddess, her sister’s first job, activities during covid times, looked at a globe in a store and tried to make sense of routes taken by european colonizers to get to their colonies. can’t rmb what else but we had a lot of fun

C — talked about work, astro’s moonbin lmfao (C: ‘i don’t usually say this, but-’). talked about what we consider dark. apparrently, the threshold might be high for me because of an early exposure and attraction to horror. i talked about the film, hereditary, its unique framing techniques, and why i caught it on my own after midnight despite knowing that was a bad idea (my mom was asleep next to me though, yay).

talked about the spiritual realm. in short: C believes, i am on the fence, as i always am about these things. but i don’t doubt. if i did, i would be trying out all the demonic rituals in books to see if i could summon something. discussed that weird night where we nearly walked into this jungle-like path but stopped when we felt a spooky male presence

funniest part of the day was when we tried recalling dramatic lines from jane eyre (both book and film), and started inserting them into our very standard conversation between two millennial women

‘he transfixes me, quite’ (in reference to astro’s moonbin)

‘i could bend him with my finger and thumb; a mere reed he feels in my hands’ (in reference to yuzuru hanyu)

-

just realized i ate army stew when i hung out with all 3 of them

i need to st0p