#which i do not understand because it wasn't That deep. like i've never actually got muscle-deep

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

it is a lie.

there is the promise, of course, every single time. that this time it will help, this time you'll be able to quit for good after just - once - more -

and then you look up and realise it's 1am and your hands are covered with blood. you've used up all the tissues and it's still bleeding. of course you grab something and stanch it, it's not going to kill you, but it's sure as hell going to make living unfun.

it's a lie. you can be clinical about it - you can measure depth and size and analyse if this needs medical attention or not. and then once you're absolutely sure it could do with it (curse the moment you figured out the technique that allows you to go deeper), you can ignore it and pretend it's fine.

it's not fine, of course. but even now, there's pain. of course there's pain. it's gaping, you idiot, and if you went to the emergency department they'd suture it just like they would have the previous one you ignored that got infected, but improved before you absolutely had to seek medical attention. they are not going to heal quickly; they're going to look pretty bad even if they manage to heal before you've got to wear short sleeves for placement. never mind the fact that summer's coming on. search up summer cardigans and hope they're not too expensive.

but there's pain. why would you do it? why would you keep chasing the high you will not get from this? why are you still thinking, if I just go fully to the muscle layer now, this will fix everything? it won't. you fool. is it muscle pain you're feeling right now, or nerve? how would you know?

cry about it, you bitch. you did it to yourself. you know, what you really want is someone to hug you real good, someone who knows what you've done and why you did it. but last time you showed someone it made you go deeper because what you showed them wasn't enough. you better hope they don't ask to see how that one's healing, because you can't show them the healing process without showing this newest one they don't know you've got. they said they weren't happy with you keeping the implement you used last time. you said it was a once-off, a mad impulse born of a specific, high stress trigger. you might even have believed it.

why would you do it? why are you going so deep, deep enough that after every action to make it deeper, you do all the basic checks to make sure you haven't permanently damaged something? don't mess around with this. your hands are your livelihood. if you hit a nerve, there ain't no coming back from that. you know what you're doing.

arms are dangerous. surely you knew that was almost the exact place someone you knew went, had to get fourteen stitches emergently because they hit something real bad. if you're tired, get sleep. if you're tired of life, get help. don't destroy yourself like this.

it is a lie. it will not make you feel better. it will simply add to your problems. why don't you care? the promise of relief is a lie. if you're sad about it, if you're crying, then do something. tell someone. reach out, and someone will reach back to you. they want to help. let them help. people want to love you; let them love you.

[fuckyeahgoodomens]

Neil talking about the responses to Good Omens Season 2 - from the Neil Gaiman interview with Brian Levine for The Gould Standard (x,x)

BL: The audience that you have built is a very passionately engaged audience. They, frankly, they love you. And one of the reasons they love you is that you fit into what I think of as one of two great divisions in art. There's, or in writing, um, there is: I'm entertained, I'm amused. I may be even enchanted; and then there's this hits me at a visceral level. You understand me as no one else does. You have touched something very central to my experience. And it seems to me that Much of your writing, maybe all of your writing, actually reaches your audience at that latter level. You know. I would say in the former category, sort of my quintessential and beloved example would be P. G. Woodhouse. He amuses me, but I don't feel like he's revealed my inner self at a very deep level. Um, were you aware that you were going to be able to achieve that? Um, that this is something... was it a startling thing when people began coming up to you, who'd read your work and said, this means so much to me?

Neil: Yeah. It was huge. And it wasn't expected. I... if I had a mountaintop I was heading towards, it was gonna be P. G. Woodhouse. Um, I wanted to be a proficient entertainer with a clear prose style who could tell stories. Um, it probably wasn't until Sandman that I found... I started to realize that in order for a story to work, I had to show too much. In order for a story to resonate, in order for a story to matter, I had to let it matter too much. And, and I remember the first people who would start coming up to me and saying, um, you, you know, your, your Sandman comics got me through the death of a loved one. Your death character got me through my child's death, through my parent's death, through my partner's death, through my friend's death. Um, and that left me kind of amazed. I'm like, well, I didn't write it to do that. I wrote it to feed my children. I wrote it to satisfy myself. I wrote it because nobody else had ever written it. And if I didn't write it, it wouldn't be written, but I don't think I wrote it to give you what you've taken from it. And I spent really about 20, 25 years feeling awkward about that. And then my father died, in March 2009, and never got to cry about it. Never... I, you know, I've, I've got on a plane and I went to the UK and dealt with the funeral stuff and organized all of that stuff and came back and go toff the plane and went and did Stephen Colbert's Colbert Report and wearing the funeral suit because and that was all I had with me and carried on. And then, somewhere in the middle of summer, I was reading a friend's script. They'd sent me a script and said, can you look this over? And I'm reading it, and on page 20, the lead character meets somebody, and on page 26 maybe, she's dead, and I burst into tears. And I'm bawling. I am sobbing. It is coming out of me in giant racking waves. And I realized that it's everything that I'd been, hadn't let myself feel, or hadn't been able, hadn't stopped enough to let myself feel, was suddenly being given permission to feel by the death of a fictional person who I'd met six pages earlier, ia script. And I thought that... and it was huge for me, and I thought, okay, that's that thing that people are talking about sometimes, when they come tome and they say, you, you did this. So right now, I'm in this weird, wonderful place where I think a lot of people in Good Omens Season 2 thought they were signing up for the P.G. Woodhouse, and didn't know that, no, no, no, you've, you've signed up for the whole thing. You've signed up for the feelings. You've signed up for the emotions. I... it is my job to make you care and to make you feel and to feel things you haven't felt before. And which meant that the first week or so after Good Omens came out, I was getting angry, furious, deeply upset messages on every possible social medium telling me that I had betrayed people, and it was awful, and they couldn't stop crying, and why would I do that to them, and did I hate them? And they hated me. And then a weird sort of phenomenon happened as people would watch the show again. And again. And now they started to know, okay, this is where it's gonna go, this is what's gonna happen, this is how it works. And they started realizing that they were actually feeling things, and that was good. And that they were caring about two people who don't exist. You know, I made them up, and then and Terry Pratchett made them up, and then, um, David Tennant and Michael Sheen gave them life, and then they get to walk around on a screen and you know they don't exist, but you can cry for them, you can love them, they can make you laugh, they can make you exult, and most important of all, they can make you care. And the number of people who are now writing to me, saying, 'This was so important to me. This has changed my life. This makes me feel like I belong. This makes me feel like I can cope. And it's let me sort of find myself. P. S. I hope you get to do Season Three.' is, is huge.

[sourbinnie]

☆ sci-fi.mp3 ☆

♡ genre ¿? ♡ -> fluff & angst all in one bowl ♡ pair ¿? ♡ -> ot8!skz x gn!reader ♡ plot ¿? ♡ -> he didn't think this was friendship anymore but accepting his feelings was harder than that. ♡ warnings ¿? ♡ -> swearing ♡ request ¿? ♡ -> yes!

a/n -> i'm not sure if i understood this request correctly but i hope you still enjoy it! it was about not being friends but not being in a relationship so i kinda did it my way so that's an angsty way.

chan ✉

he couldn't explain the excitement that went through his body whenever he got to see you. it was irrational to feel like that for just a friend but he knew deep down (even if he wouldn't admit it) that it wasn't the case for you two. he always had a hard time coming together with his feelings, actually understanding that he felt a certain way and accepting it. when it came to you it was even harder since he didn't exactly could point out when it went from a friendship to something more.

as you arrived at the studio, he had everything planned out for what you guys were gonna do yet everything was thrown out the window when he saw you. you looked so fucking gorgeous, it was insane to him how mad you drove him but he couldn't do that, he couldn't just date you. he wanted to, oh god did he desired it.

"(y/n)? can you give me your honest opinion on a track?" was usually the way he would let you know he cared about your thoughts and that he wouldn't do this for someone else. his little actions like that spoke louder than words but neither of you ever made a move. eventually you never knew what was gonna happen next but you always knew how it would end and that was a cuddle session on the couch that lasted way less than you wanted to.

minho ✉

he would be in denial that he was being extra with you. maybe he liked to tease his members a lot but with you? oh no, he wouldn't dare. you were so precious to him in such an unexpected way, he didn't really feel this way about anyone. he didn't understand even how to process this because he usually did not have crushes or wanted to be in relationships, but right now he craved way more than a friendship. he admitted to himself that he was fucked from the start when he first met you.

"(y/n) do you think i need to practice more? i've been lacking recently." that was a lie, he would never in a million years say he was lacking, but he felt the need to hear you compliment him. sometimes all he needed were some words of encouragement from you to keep going. as soon as he heard you speak, he felt so calm on the inside and it was almost as if you were the only one who brought such peace to him.

he felt trapped like he knew if it was another context, he wouldn't have so much trouble admitting his crush on you. yet now he still was denying it whenever the boys brought it up and denying it to himself but he knew there was no way he was gonna convince himself ever. he was stuck in a loop where every time he sees you, his heart flutters but his mouth stays shut.

changbin ✉

oh this man, he would facepalm himself every time he said something to you. it's like he couldn't help it, he is a very affectionate person but with you it's another extreme he didn't know he had it in him. you guys do couple things all the time yet none of you asked each other out, you guys wear matching clothes, cuddle, have "friend dates" and yet whenever someone asks if you're dating, you shake your heads. what kind of loser was he being, he could literally have you but he was afraid.

he didn't know exactly what his fear was but he knew he will always just want you. nobody quite understands him and listens to him the way you do. he could talk to your for hours and yet it would still feel too short. he wanted to wake up next to you, have you at the studio, at his concerts and somehow that reality he was creating in his mind even if it felt close, was still so far away.

"(y/n) thank you for coming." he would say with a smile as you two met up which caught you by surprise. you saw each other almost every day but this time it seemed like he actually needed you to be there for him. he didn't know why exactly he called you, maybe it was to confess or maybe it was just to see you. he didn't say anything though, he just wanted you to hold him for a little longer as he thought of all you could be if he wasn't such a coward.

hyunjin ✉

as the hopeless romantic he is, he would live for the little gestures. it would be hard for him to confess to himself what he was feeling. in a way he would feel like he was destroying what you guys had but he knew that you were on the same page as him. shaking off this feeling, he would still talk to you every day and he would care about what happened through your day, what you were up to and what you needed. almost like he was your boyfriend and that put such a bitter taste in his mouth.

he was concerned that you would get tired and eventually find someone else. that thought just haunted him but you also kept coming back so he felt an ease whenever he saw you. maybe you were waiting for him? for his contract to end? for him to confess and maybe have a secret relationship? he just didn't know at all. so many questions on his mind made him forget that he was right next to you.

"(y/n) do you ever feel like... i don't know, you want something and you can't have it?" he asked in his philosophical way and it got you thinking. as you thought through his question, he admired every feature of yours, looking at you in a way with such admiration and love. he felt like his heart was gonna fall from his chest right at your feet. 

jisung ✉

as he thought about you and texted you, he knew he was fucked. there was one thing lingering in his mind at night and that was you, wanting to see you and being away from you was hell. he didn't feel like he was trapped but he definitely felt like he wasn't prepared to be in a relationship yet when he thought of you, he saw the future. he wanted you by his side yet he remained unmoved when it came to (ironically) making a move. he felt like he would rather be friends then lose what you guys have completely.

a part of him was always telling him that you followed what he did, responded to his messages even late at night and would always say yes whenever he wanted to hang out. like it was a sign that he was looking for to actually tell you the truth. but then what? have you actually be in a relationship with him and have to deal with all that came with it? he didn't want you to go through that. 

"(y/n) i really missed you." he said sincerely as he looked at you and his hands found it's way to yours. you offered him a smile and yet when you saw your hands, both of you couldn't help but blush. it's like when you first met, you were so shy around each other yet something pulled you both back as you thought that this wasn't normal. he would die a little whenever you two had to pull away.

felix ✉

he was so tired of all the going back and forth. he wasn't exactly sure if he had a crush (he did) but he knew that acting like this with you and only you wasn't normal behavior for friends to have. he chased after more, a feeling that he would want to have for eternity and that's the one he felt when he saw you. it's like everything always stopped, time wasn't enough when he was with you and he couldn't help but be sad every time he watched you leave but he had no other choice since you two were just friends.

"(y/n) do you think you could help me write something?" he never asked for much help with lyrics but it would feel really comforting and special to write a song fo- with you. you agreed to it and it got you both thinking what the perfect love song would be, what actually takes to write such deep lyrics and rhyme words in a way that it didn't feel too forced. 

as he looked at you, concentrated and you pronounced the words that were on your mind, he knew that he had to accept it. he had to come with the fact that he didn't feel such a strong connection to another person that he's ever met, he wanted to have you but he also needed to understand that it was quite impossible. even after all he knew he could count on you for whatever but sometimes he just wishes he could close the gap and seal it with a kiss. 

seungmin ✉

usually he wouldn't have such a hard time accepting that he wasn't in a friends phase with someone anymore. sometimes people just drift away and you can't really help it, but right now he knew that this was the end of a friendship. he knew that this was the start of something else with you and he didn't know how to handle change but when he was with you, he felt much more safe and sound in a way he did not expect. he looked at you and all the thoughts would invade his mind.

what would a future with you look like? did you feel the same? how would you saying he was your boyfriend sound like? why was he thinking this already? he knew he had to stop. it was easy to daydream, to think of what it could be but he just wanted that to be his reality and not be stuck in this endless life where he would have to see you walk away from him. 

"(y/n) are you seeing someone?" the question was pretty blunt so it kinda took you by surprise but you just shook your head. for some reason when you said no, he smiled and you couldn't quite figure out why. he smiled because that meant there was a chance that you were waiting for him to make a move just like he was waiting for the right time to do it. would there be a right time? would he risk it all for you? maybe, but this wasn't it.

jeongin ✉

as he walked you home, he wanted nothing more than to stop walking and appreciate the moment with you. he would want to hold you close and look at the stars (even though you shined brighter than any of them). he would want to actually kiss you and feel you with him, but he couldn't. he just kept walking as you talked but he dozed off from the conversation and just hummed or agreed with what you said. he knew he was being a coward by pretending everything was okay when it was far from that.

"(y/n) i'm glad i get to exist at the same time as you." he did not expect for the words to fall from his thoughts to his mouth but they did and he was a blushing mess. he felt weird after saying it because you looked at him in such a loving way that he lost his breath for a second. he wanted you to stare at him like that the whole time, so that he feels loved and enchanted by your eyes always.

you didn't have to say anything and you didn't. he just knew that you appreciated his words and that you felt the same way but you couldn't do anything about it. you two would have to live with the feeling and not the thrill of experiencing what it was like to be with each other. he would have his dreams where he would see you again and actually would get to experience much more but as soon as he woke up, it was all over again. 

[honeyedmiller]

When It Rains | Pedro Pascal

based on this request here

pairing: pedro pascal x gn!reader

disclaimer: I obviously know Pedro is such a sweetheart and would probably never do this to anyone in “real life.”

warnings: angst, fighting, cursing, mentions of social anxiety, fluff, no use of y/n.

word count: 1.3k

-

You don't even know how it escalated to this point.

One day, you and your boyfriend come home from an event that went terribly. You barely got to see each other anymore, so that event was your time to spend with one another—until he was pulled in every which way for an interview, to talk to a friend of his, or to talk to current or past co-stars.

You knew he had a busy schedule and he was quite literally dominating the film industry at the moment, but fuck you just missed him. You couldn't blame him for genuinely being a person of and for the people. Everyone loved him.

That's not what upset you, though, no—it was the fact that he'd barely acknowledged you the whole night, not introducing you to the people he was talking to, and had you following him around like a goddamned lost puppy the whole night.

When you got home, you were exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. You didn't bother trying to explain to him why you were in such a sour mood, which to you, was just you being silent. You were never silent. You loved to converse with Pedro, even when he didn't have the energy to talk. He still loved to listen to you.

When you said you were going to bed flatly, his mood absorbed yours and it just escalated from there. It's been days. Small bickering here and there, until tonight.

Something just snapped in both of you, all the pent-up anger and frustrations being laid down on the table for both of you to finally see.

"I don't understand your deal." Pedro snapped, squinting his eyes at you as he crossed his arms over his chest.

You scoffed at him and threw up your arms in defeat. "How about we start off with the fact that I was looking forward to spending a great night with you the other night. You brushed me off and acted like you didn't fucking care about me, Pedro. What the hell? Are you-" You paused, tears welling in your eyes. "Are you ashamed to introduce me to people a part of your 'world' because I'm not on your guys' level?"

He looked at you in complete disbelief, as if you blamed him for something that wasn't his fault.

"Don't even start with that. You know that's not true. Maybe you should learn to be a little less introverted and actually learn how to speak to people. You're a grown up, for fuck's sake." Pedro's words dripped with venom as he seethed, and the look of hurt was eminent on your face.

Pedro knew you had terrible social anxiety. The fact that he'd throw that in your face was hurtful and belittling. You never brought up his anxieties and used them against him in an argument, so the fact that he did that to you fucking hurt.

"You know what, Pedro, you're right. I am a grown up. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle with things any less. I'm not a part of the acting world, let alone even famous. I got that part. But fuck, if you're going to brush me off like that and treat me like I don't matter when I've been nothing but loving and supportive of you from the moment we've met, then maybe you should go find better." Tears were streaming down your face. You couldn't hide it anymore.

"What are you saying? Are you breaking up with me?" Pedro's angry voice faltered into a broken and confused tone.

"No, Pedro. I'm just saying that if this isn't what you want anymore, then you can go ahead and find better. Find someone who's more understanding of your career. I love you, but I can't deal with this right now." Your fists were balled up at your sides as tears continuously fell down your cheeks. You took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling before turning on your heel to walk to the front door.

"Fuck. Please, baby, wait." Pedro begged, moving closer to you.

"Don't."

That's all you said before you walked out of the front door, shutting it behind you. The chilly, gloomy weather made you wrap your arms around your frame as you briskly walked down the sidewalk, tears blurring your vision. Thunder cracked loudly above your head, making you jump and silently curse at Mother Nature.

Of fucking course the weather would match your sad, brooding mood. As soon as you felt one drop of rain, the downpour followed next. The rain soaked you to the bone, but truthfully, that was the last thing on your mind. You could've sworn you heard your name being called, but the pounding of the rain against the sidewalk made it nearly impossible to hear correctly.

You didn't bother to turn around and just kept walking for what felt like hours, before you reached a small local community park. You stepped on the muddy sand and made your way to the swings, sitting abruptly.

You couldn't help but cry your eyes out.

You knew dating a celebrity would come with some pros and cons, but you never thought Pedro would've been the type to brush you off. He was usually so loving and tender when it came to you. Seems like when it rains, it fucking pours... you guess.

You couldn't help but think that maybe you were being a bit dramatic with this whole thing. Maybe Pedro didn't mean to brush you off, or make you feel inferior. Maybe he didn't even realize what he was doing.

Your mind started running overtime, and you suddenly became overwhelmed with the thought that you might've just ruined what'd happened to be the greatest relationship you've ever been in.

All because you couldn't put your anxieties behind you and be an adult and introduce yourself. Maybe Pedro was right. You sighed as you rested your elbows on your knees, hands covering your tired, puffy eyes. You sat there for god knows how long, before you saw bright headlights flash on you as a car quickly parks on the street.

Your head snaps up and you squint to try and see who it was, because for all you knew, it could've been a fucking axe murderer. You heard your name being called distantly, the rain still making it a bit hard to hear. Your name was called once more as the person got closer, and you instantly recognized the voice. Pedro.

You stand slowly from the swing you were on, legs shaky and weak. All of your energy had been completely depleted from your body. Your wet clothing felt like a thousand pounds on your body, and your eyes hurt from continuously crying.

Pedro approached you slowly, his eyes clearly bloodshot from crying himself.

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. So fucking sorry." His voice cracked as his hands reached for you. You stilled and thought about backing away, but you couldn't even fathom fighting with him or being angry for another second. All you want was him and his comfort.

"I shouldn't have gotten angry at you for something that was my fault. I know you try your best in social gatherings. I should've introduced you. I was a dick. I'm so sorry, baby." Pedro kissed the top of your head as you rested your forehead against his broad chest.

"I love you, P," You confessed, squinting up at him to prevent the rain getting into your eyes. “But I’m sorry, too. I should’ve communicated this to you and talked to you about it instead of being brash and walking out on you. Walking out shouldn’t have been my first move. I’m sorry.”

"I know darling, I know. Next time both of us just need to talk about it head-on. I hate fighting with you. I love you so much," He whispered the last part before kissing your forehead this time. "Let's get you home and comfy and dry." His big brown eyes were glossed over and soft as they looked down at you.

"I hate fighting with you, too. And yes, please, get me out of this fucking rain." You half laugh at the last part, arms tightening around his core.

"Of course, my love." He wraps his arms around you just the same, leaning down to give you a genuine, heart-tugging kiss.

The kind of kiss that happens in those cliché romcom movies that makes you fall for him even harder. The kind that makes it known to the both of you that he's yours and you're his... forever.

a/n: as someone who has social anxiety, talking to people (especially in new settings) is SO HARD so if any of you can relate, I feel u fr fr. Love u all <3

[shaineybainey]

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 initial thoughts

[ NOT spoiler-free ]

For me, this is one of the few franchises that got better and better as it went along. This third movie was just absolutely phenomenal. As someone had said, it is a great send-off to the movie and the Guardians we've known.

They did a great job exploring Rocket's origin. It really explains why he's never wanted to talk about his past. It was violent and heartbreaking. Nebula's line of "They did worse things to him than Thanos did to me" (or something along that line) summarized it best. You also understand why Rocket can be so violent: it wasn't much because he learned it from the people who engineered him, but because the last time he tried to get away safely, quietly, his friends - essentially his family - all got killed. And the person who caused it was so cold about it. So while he could be extreme, he does it so that no one can hurt him or any of his friends ever again.

Which leads to this other point: Rocket is a grump and a cynic, but deep down he actually really loved the other Guardians.

Adam Warlock! I didn't know what to expect from him, but after seeing the movie, I want to see more of him.

Also: it's great that the movie managed to give Adam his own origin story, his own motivation for why he eventually ended up being a guardian.

Drax was hilarious in this movie, as he always is, but Mantis kinda came for the crown a bit! The fact that she made him fall in love with a sock for fun and made one of the guards they had to get through fall in love with him were some of the funniest moments in the movie.

On a more serious Drax note: "Drax. You weren't meant to be a destroyer. You were meant to be a dad." One of the best lines in the movie. I never would have thought that this is how Drax would "grow up" as a character, but it all made sense. It does.

Kraglin had a fantastic growth too. He'd been trying to train with the arrow Yondu gave him over and over and over, trying to concentrate and plan and think. And he kept failing over and over and over. But when Knowhere was in danger, he finally remembered what Yondu told him: "Fly it with your heart." When he realized that he needed to get out of his head, man did he do some damage. It was amazing.

The bad dog/good dog argument 😂

Gamora. I like how they approached that. They didn't make her fall in love with Peter, even after all the fighting that they did as a team. They were barely even good friends in the end. Also, it's nice that she has a different family to belong to now (the Ravagers) but who still loved her just the same. It's good that they didn't try to change her. They made her realistic.

Lol "You guys are just making up what he's saying" when Groot would talk

Nebula. Oh, man, where do I begin. I've started really liking her as a character since GotG 2, and even more so during Endgame, but wow. She's really grown. She looks after the people of Knowhere, the Guardians look to her for big decisions and even resolution for internal problems of the team. The team respects her, even more than Peter most times. She still has rage inside, and she has trouble expressing other feelings without it, but I think she's made tremendous progress. And it's so obvious that she cares deeply about the team and even the lives of others, even if she doesn't outright say it.

Okay. There's a lot to unearth with the not-so-subtle hints at Peter/Nebula. First off, it's obvious in this movie and even in the Christmas special that Nebula's been looking after Peter. But the fact that she would take him home whenever he was totally wasted and put him to bed, making sure he was comfortable? And when Gamora was going to hurt Peter out of frustration and Nebula jumped in to stop her, practically telling her to back off? And that when Gamora suggested that the woman Peter's describing, the one that he's fallen in love with because she's grown from being ruthless to being caring, is Nebula, and Peter started looking at her differently? Bruh. I don't know what they're playing at here, but alright. I'm onboard.

Speaking of Peter, I like that he decided to come back home to Earth to reach out to his grandfather. I'd like to think he got a little help from the Avengers to get to that doorstep (info, means of transpo, things like that). It was great to see him in a normal life setting in the post-credit, too, where he's just eating cereal, talking smack about someone behind their back lol

Okay, that's it for now. Will come back when I remember the other things I liked (spoiler alert: there's a TON)

[grison-in-space]

Reading Men Who Hate Women (Laura Bates, 2020) at the moment. She's talking about the manosphere: the massive online communities of men who congregate to talk misogyny, ranging from PUAs to MRAs, incels and MGTOW. These aren't new topics to me—I've been following this off and on since watching Gamergate kick off—but Bates handles them well and I think this book could serve as an introduction if this is a movement with which you're not familar. By the way, it's been a decade since Gamergate this year. Isn't that a kicker?

(Incidentally, I first ran into the concept of incels way before I think many people did: when I was still on AVEN, c. 2006-2007ish, I remember a few occasions where users ran into incel communities and brought them to our forums to ask: is this like what we're doing? Is this like us? Consensus quickly solidified on the direction of "no," each time, not least because asexuality dialog at the time was extremely clear about divorcing desire from action, and it was very clear that the desires centered in that community were very different than the ones people in asexuality spaces were untangling.)

Bates handles the topic with grace, compassion, and a deep understanding that I really wish more writing on radicalization or terroristic networks used: people in real pain, who are struggling in pitiable circumstances to do their best and clearly need more support, can also in their pain be truly dangerous to others. Hurt people hurt people. Compassion for pain suffered is important—you can't understand recruitment without understanding that—but you also have to understand that pain, fermented in darkness, can create deadly poisons. Pain isn't essentially holy or cleansing or cauterizing. It doesn't accomplish anything good by existing. If we can relieve it, we should—but we should follow harm reduction principles as we do so, lest pain be allowed to multiply and fester.

What gets me is that in 2017, in the wake of the Google bro "manifesto," I spent a feverish week writing what wound up being a 20,000 word rebuttal studded with what eventually totaled 100+ peer reviewed citations. It got quite a bit of reach and covered ground ranging from effects of testosterone on behavior, the concept of effect size in sex differences, basic statistics, the ways that humans treat people differently based on their perception of gender, intersex trauma, and whether feminists care about men's problems (yeah, actually, and they should).

I released that piece, changed up my name and fannish presence—my long time pseud was tangled all over the piece's genesis—and hunkered down for the reprisals. I expected harassment and vitriol. It never really came: I ignored the comments on the post, after a bit, and I held boundaries on what I was willing to pay attention to. But by and large, I had no direct consequences from the Manosphere.

Perhaps the piece was too long (although I got many comments from people who read it and found it useful, and I included an index). Perhaps it was simply that I included a headshot of myself, with uncharacteristic red lipstick and characteristically buzzed hair, and cheerfully discussed throughout that I was butch and queer: sometimes I confuse people who are very focused on bioessentialist sex differences, because I don't fit their paradigms in the slightest.

About six months later, James Damore attempted to frame his incredibly poor decisions in light of his Asperger's, and I did get a couple dudes on social media presenting me with this information apparently in the hope that it would shock or embarrass me. I immediately pointed out, acerbically, that I'm equally autistic and that he was making us look bad, and they melted away again into the background. It wasn't really the well of terrifying anger and obliterative fury I was expecting.

I find myself reading these stories in Bates' book and thinking about the internet I grew up on: AVEN by 2005, WrongPlanet the same year, listening to people on the margins talk about their fears and hopes and dreams and theories about themselves. I find myself thinking about narratives and meaning, the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and why.

I'm certainly not the first person to worry about radicalization of young autistic people, especially autistic men. Not even close. Paradoxically, it's a group of people for whom an understanding of intersectionality is crucial: young disabled men often alienated deliberately from conceptualizing themselves as disabled, without the tools to understand why life is hard and painful and never seems to reflect their experiences, trying to construct understanding beyond one's singular, isolated defective wrongness—which is what's left, if you take community off the table.

(Have I mentioned how grateful I am that so many autistics are trans spectrum? Imagine if we weren't, and if I didn't have so many transfeminine sisters funneled along those same currents and drifting closely enough alongside to understand. My sisters, so many of whom are out there living and modeling better ways to understand and participate in gender as a social activity: by figuring out what is most comfortable for you, understanding that comfort for one might be agony for another, and taking steps to shape your own life into a fashion that wells forth the most peace and joy. It's a message we all need to hear, but that is a group of people I hear singing so loudly from my place in a different wing of the choir, and I love them for it.)

I don't have answers. As is, so often, the case these days, I have only grief and love, and the determination to build better structures where my own hands reach. I had intended to direct my career, once, to undermining the entire concept of "good genes" models of evolution and explaining how their convoluted connections to natural phenomena are better explained by other, more direct motives. Since 2020, I've been moving in a new direction—but what precisely it is, I'm not sure.

Sex differences is certainly a piece of it, though. Even if I find myself often enough writing that it's not enough to know a sex difference in one species to assume that another will reflect a similar relationship: we should study sex differences in animals, but we really shouldn't assume that humans will have the same ones or work the same way. I suspect this won't be the first time I tangle with that community. I suppose it depends how much authority I can accrue as protection first.

[lutawolf]

My Personal Weatherman and the D/s element Ep 1

I've gotten several Asks requesting this review. I will say that as of watching the trailer, this is more a D/s relationship and an M/s one.

Let's check it out and decide for sure, though. I love the beginning. It says so much about the character. It was a warm day, and he dressed too warm, which is why he didn't understand the initial request.

Okay, so we know he watches the new aka weather news anyway. Every day and all the way through. Now is that because he wants to or is that a command?

Okay, I just fell in love with this character. "I don't like him. He just has the most appealing facial features out of all the faces in the world." Boy in love, but he not gonna say it. Is what that means. His friend is adorable. "I hate him. Including all those aspects." Home girl calls him out, though. "People who watch it six times are usually devoted fans." Yoh is not a slave. A slave would be way too terrified to say the things he is saying. Then add in the fact that he'd clearly broke a rule and wasn't breaking into a sweat about it. Says he is no slave.

They are D/s. Right off you can see there are rules. Yoh didn't notice him come in and cut off the phone. Which is why Segasaki just reached over and turned it off for him. Then reprimanded him for not noticing. That's when Yoh says, "Welcome back." Indicating this is a baseline command. I'm assuming he doesn't get back at the same time every day, or he would expect Yoh to be waiting at the door for him. One word command, "food." Again, Yoh is feeling secure in venting openly, and he feels comfortable with Segasaki's anger. That is not a slave. Segasaki so far does show Master tendencies. That's not a biggie because I can too and as most of you know, I'm not one.

The way he stutters and gets nervous when Segasaki cages him in, is completely normal. That's exactly how I would expect a submissive to act if I caged and got with direct intent. However, Yoh and Segasaki are not on the same wavelength, which is never a good thing. Segasaki is actually reprimanding Yoh, but Yoh isn't realizing it.

I have no baseline to go off of yet. So I don't know if him saying the food is bland is him reprimanding or his natural state of assholishness. I'm actually leaning into a mix. He's still upset about the girl and is wanting attention. This gives him a reason to make demands. See the way he touches and smiles, that's a reward.

Poor Yoh just doesn't understand and is completely missing his Dom's love languages. The drinking his drink. Completely normal. I 100% do this. As I tell my husband, I'm marking my territory. Just be glad I don't want to piss on you. To which he is eternally grateful. Please note that I am not kink shaming. If it doesn't harm anyone, I'm of a mind, you do you. However, it is not mine or my husband's kink. However, even if this kink is yours. I think even you can find amusement in mine and my husband's by play.

Yoh's internal monologue is hilarious.

I love how Japan's dramas make sex so visceral and realistic.

I'm so dead. Sunny has now become a lewd word. Yeah buddy boy, he doesn't understand because you aren't opening your mouth and telling him. To be fair, Segasaki is shit in the communication area too. Which is a no-go when living a D/s lifestyle. Also, humiliation is clearly not a kink for Yoh and that's something that Segasaki should really be respecting. "I hate my obedience, always giving in." That's something that a sub should never think. However, they will if you are a shit Dom.

Even I want to punch him over that curry comment. Okay, so there's the kink. Segasaki likes to see the anticipation from Yoh. That's why he is doing this. That little bit of talk back is, once again, not a slave. And why Segasaki immediately responded, he wasn't upset that Yoh talked back. So right now I can tell you on the sliding scale, Segasaki isn't a Master but a deep Dom with Master tendencies. I'm still trying to get a feel of Yoh, but I can say without a doubt that he is not a slave.

Oh, that was a brat move. He purposely did something he knew would piss off his Dom to get the reaction he wanted. Which was to be forcefully handled. That little moan he gave at the force. Boy likes some pain. That smile says that his Dom knows exactly what he is doing and is enjoying the game.

That command and demand for obedience. And Yoh does it. Not because he has to, but because at that moment he is dominated and he wants it. That's what makes him a subby sub. He's using the word slave, but there is too much give for that. Boy isn't willing to own up to his own feelings. Lawd, but these two are a mess. His Dom adores him. It's all right there, but Yoh can't see it. Because he thinks he is a slave. For whatever reason, he can't see all the freedom he is given.

The fact that he knocked and let him know that he'll be late. There is a lot of respect there. This is a right mess, it is. Honestly, it kind of giving me heart palpitations, and not the good kind. I have like this absolute need to contact all my subs to make sure everyone is healthy and happy. Ahhh!

I hope you guys enjoyed this. Much love. 💜💜💜

[cannedwyrms]

Spoilers for shadow of the erdtree, but...

I NEED to talk about Marika, okay?

In the base game, I thought she was interesting, don't get me wrong, but the amount of DEPTH SOTE gives her is INCREDIBLE.

The first time I got to the Shaman Village, I instantly knew she was going up on my Good Antagonist List™ immediately.

And, because of that, I wanted to have another ramble about her, as is becoming customary for this blog.

So, let's go over what exactly we learned about Marika and what this informs us about her character.

I think the Shaman Village really takes center stage here. The music, the item descriptions, it all combines to paint a gentler, more human image of Marika. In the base game, she was more like a god (which made sense seeing as she was one), but we see a more human side of her here.

So, the Shaman Village. It's the place where Marika grew up, her home. Unfortunately for her, shaman bodies are apparently quite good for putting into big jars, which was something the Hornsent loved to do. We've all seen it before, right? I mean, we've all seen a zealous religious society commit atrocities against an underclass in fiction, not the jar thing.

And the Hornsent are a zealous religious society. They used the bodies of shamen in jars to make saints. Which sounds like complete nonsense, I know, but that's just elden ring lore babey.

Anyway, it's my personal headcannon, if not outright fact, that the Hornsent's persecution of Marika's people is what led her down the path of becoming a god. Like Miquella, she wanted to make the world a gentler place. Unlike Miquella, though, she only wanted to make it gentler for her people.

In short, it's my belief that Marika became a god in large part to inact revenge on the hornsent.

Okay, pause. I know Elden Ring Lore is like, a big deal and all, and anything I say is basically unfounded on everything except intuition, my own personal interpretations, and because I believe my theories fit thematically within the wider narrative, but just stay with me on this, alright? I think there's a real undertone of misogyny in the fanbase, and sometimes that can color interpretations of certain characters even unintentionally. Marika has gotten this treatment worse than most, I think, because she is a prominent woman who does morally questionable things. Beyond the inherent misogyny, though, I've noticed that a lot of people interpret Marika's actions very uncharitably. Anyways, all that to say, this is my post, and I care more about everything working together thematically than digging deep into the depths of the lore to find out that "oh, actually Scrupulous the Untested mentioned this flower, which represents pure evil, and he was talking about Marika when he did," or whatever. A strawman? Perhaps, but you get my point. Still, I'll try to remain true to my understanding of the lore, but I'm bound to make mistakes. I'm not an expert. Sorry for the long aside, I just felt these were important points that wouldn't fit in elsewhere.

So, I believe Marika sought godhood partly to punish the Hornsent, although I won't pretend to understand her full motivations.

I believe this is what Ymir was referring to when he said "I fear that you have borne witness to the whole of it. The conceits - the hypocrisy - of the world built upon the Erdtree. The follies of man. Their bitter suffering. Is there no hope for redemption? The answer, sadly, is clear. There never was any hope. They were each of them defective. Unhinged, from the start. Marika herself. And the fingers that guided her. And this is what troubles me. No matter our efforts, if the roots are rotten, then we have little recourse."

My interpretation of this is that Marika's intentions for godhood were impure. She wasn't seeking to improve things, just punish the ones who wronged her people. Thus, her reign was doomed from the start.

Now, let's get into what really sold me on Marika as a character.

There are, to my knowledge, two items you can find in the Shaman Village.

The Minor Erdtree incantation, and the Golden Braid talisman. Let's take a look at the flavortext for these two items and see what we can glean, starting with the Minor Erdtree.

"Marika bathed the village of her home in gold, knowing full well that there was no one to heal."

So, by the time she returned to her village, everyone was already dead. How devastated must Marika have felt, to return from claiming godhood and revenge, only to find that there was no one left to avenge. She was alone.

Here's the text we get from the golden braid:

"A braid of golden hair, cut loose. Queen Marika's offering to the Grandmother. Boosts holy damage negation by the utmost. What was her prayer? Her wish, her confession? There is no one left to answer, and Marika never returned home again."

Man, reading that, with the shaman village music in the background, just thinking about a young Marika resolving herself to become a god, to save her village and people from the Hornsent, the anger she must have felt, the fear and solemn resignation of her goal, only to return again to find herself alone. What was her wish? What did she leave behind in her village? We'll never know, because Marika is alone. Her people are gone. In the end, she couldn't save them.

Is it really any wonder that she eventually began to doubt the very order she had founded?

But now let's talk about some other aspects of Marika's character that the dlc reveals.

Namely, her Omen sons.

Imagine how Marika must have felt, looking down at her newborns to see the very horns that had destroyed her people upon them. It's just so DAMN good, character wise. There must have been so many mixed feelings surrounding them. I wonder if she even felt any love for them at all when she saw those horns. Like, I don't know, obviously, but I imagine she felt conflicted. She didn't outright kill them, which is good, but she did leave them chained in a sewer for most of their lives, so yeah not great.

But that's what I love about her character. Elden ring, in a lot of ways, is about how victims can become victimizers. How, in pursuit of noble goals, or revenge, you can lose yourself and become just as bad or worse than the people you set out to punish. That's Marika's character. That's why she's part of the List™.

Because Marika started out as someone angry at the systems that oppressed her and sought to change them. She was the hero of the story, in the beginning. But, in pursuit of her goal, she lost herself and became a bit of a monster.

SOTE, to me, revealed that Elden Ring's story is one of complete moral grey. Everyone is working towards a cause that they believe in, including you. The ends justify the means for you, even if it means striking down a mostly innocent grieving woman, hunting your fellow tarnished, or turning on the ones who trusted you and called you a compatriot. Ranni, Miquella, Radahn, Fia, D, Godrick, Malenia, Leda, Ansbach, Thiollier, Gideon, this applies to everyone.

The same goes for Marika. In trying to punish the hornsent and build a better future for herself and her people, she lost her people and eventually succombed to her worst tendencies.

That's why St. Trina pleads with you to stop Miquella. Because to become a god is to sacrifice everything that makes you human.

Marika took that sacrife willingly, in order to punish the ones who hurt her, and in the end, that's what broke her.

I think she recognized this, and that's why she set the stage for you to become Lord. In the chance that someone might do better than her, make the world a gentler place, not for a god, not for ambition or power, not in revenge or anger, but im compassion. Whether or not that's how you choose to rule is, of course, up to you, but I like to imagine that Marika, after everything, found something to hope for again.

Okay, that's the end of my thoughts. Was any of that true to the lore? Who cares. It's how I like to interpret what we were given about Marika. If I'm wrong, then whatever. I'll still be right in my heart.

Alright, bye. Go play shadow of the erdtree, or watch someone else play it at the very least. Next time, I might talk about Miquella, or maybe Leda and her allies.

Someday I'll be brave enough to talk about Agent Black. Someday. But that would maybe turn into a full ten page essay about why Iconoclasts is so very good and I'm not sure the two people who care about what I say here are ready for that.

Okay bye.

A brief adendum to this post:

Because I was analyzing Marika from a literary perspective, focusing on the sympathetic angle SOTE added to her character, I realize I forgot something important, so let me say it now:

Marika's persecution does in no way justify her genocide of the hornsent.

That idea kind of got lost in the shuffle, but it's definitely an important aspect of her character. She's an antagonistic force in the world who has done some very awful things to further her goals, more so than any other antagonist in Elden Ring. Her tragic past only adds dimension to her character, not an excuse for the atrocities she comits.

Okay, bye again.

[fast-moon]

I'm 30 years late, but...

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine originally aired when I was 10 years old. I loved Next Generation when I was a kid, so I gave DS9 a try back then... and immediately grew bored of it. They weren't going to new planets or having space battles, they were just sitting around in one place discussing space politics, and there wasn't even anyone funny like Data to hold my attention. So, I stopped watching after a couple episodes.

But, since I keep hearing it ended up being the best Trek seres, I've decided to go ahead and give it a full watch-through. Maybe now that I'm 40 and have more life experience under my belt, I can appreciate it more.

Turns out I do! I've finished the first season, so I'll give a run-down of what I thought of the S1 episodes below the cut:

1-2. Emissary: All right, I actually understand the premise this time which completely went over my head as a kid. The Bajorans were under Cardassian occupation for decades, the Federation showed up and drove them out, now the Federation is in control of the Cardassian space station DS9 to help the Bajorans rebuild and return to self-governance. But wait! Turns out there's a wormhole that goes to the other side of the galaxy here and it's suddenly become prime space real-estate! And the wormhole is inhabited by... mysterious non-temporal entities that spit out a magic orbs from time to time and the Bajorans worship them as prophets.

3. Past Prologue: Garak is queer-coded like whoa and gives Bashir a taste of his own medicine about not respecting boundaries. Is also possibly like a quadruple-agent. And tailors a fine suit. Also, Kira got a haircut. There's rats on spaceships?! Oh, that's just Odo. Okay. Still, the fact that he considered that a convincing disguise means there's rats on spaceships?!

4. A Man Alone: A guy backstabs himself and blames Odo for it.

5. Babel: Poor overworked O'Brien gets so stressed out he starts speaking in tongues. Then it turns out it's contagious. And it turns out that it's because someone sabotaged the station decades ago with a dyslexia virus and then just kind of forgot about it.

6. Captive Pursuit: This actually touches on a moral question I'd been wondering about if we ever end up with sentient AI: If something is bred/programmed to like being oppressed, is it more moral to remove it from its oppression even if that makes it miserable, or to return it to its oppression if that's what makes it happy? This episode chose the latter.

7. Q-Less: A surprisingly boring Q-centric episode whose only shenanigans involved a space stingray Vash was trying to sell off. Q really does miss Picard.

8. Dax: Oh, another philosophical thought-experiment: If you committed a crime and then get reincarnated in a traceable manner and retain all the memories of your previous incarnation, can your current incarnation be held liable for your previous incarnation's actions? This episode decides it doesn't want to answer this because she's not guilty, anyway.

9. The Passenger: Bashir becomes even more insufferable and nobody notices.

10. Move Along Home: Samurai hippies come through the wormhole and demand everyone LARP with them whether they like it or not.

11. The Nagus: Quark falls victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "Never get involved in a land war with Asia". But only slightly less well-known is this: "Never get involved with a Ferengi when profit is on the line".

12. Vortex: So... Odo just lets a guy get away with murder because he has a sob story and claimed he knew others of his kind? Just because he was wanted unjustly on his home planet does not change the fact that he murdered a guy for hire. Also, Odo can get knocked out by a rock?

13. Battle Lines: Remember that "Great Divide" episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender that everyone hated? No reason.

14. The Storyteller: O'Brien goes down to Bajor to fix the pipes, becomes God.

15. Progress: Kira has to go convince a Boomer to leave his land because they need the resources to rebuild the planet, but he's all "I got mine, screw them." She humors his sexist behavior all episode, then burns his house down.

16. If Wishes Were Horses: Bashir wishes for his own personal side-piece Dax, and real Dax is weirdly okay with this because "boys will be boys". The conflict in this episode is literally solved by thinking happy thoughts.

17. The Forsaken: Odo gets sexually harassed so reports it to HR who just laughs him off because they think it would be good for him to get laid. Then he gets stuck in an elevator with his stalker and it's revealed just how physically strenuous it is for him to maintain his human form all day, and yet he has never been afforded any accommodations beyond a bucket to sleep in. This poor space slime, no wonder he's always so grumpy. #JusticeForOdo

18. Dramatis Personae: TNG's "The Inner Light", but stupid. Once again Odo has to save the day because he's immune to the humanoid crazypox that seems to infect the station every half-dozen episodes, and yet they still just can't find it in their effects budget to adjust station operations enough to allow him the minimal comfort of not having to contort himself into human form every day until he collapses just to do his job.

19. Duet: I am a sucker for "Did the janitors on the Death Star deserve to die?" sorts of moral discussions, and this episode delivered that very well. Also, I'm in lesbians with Kira.

20. In the Hands of the Prophets: Lady who doesn't even have kids at the school nevertheless takes issue that the children aren't being taught in accordance to her religious beliefs. It's been 30 years since this came out and nothing changes.

All in all, a decent season 1. It does show its age in places, especially in its treatment of female characters, and being written before the internet and smartphones caused seismic cultural shifts that its vision of the future failed to take into account. But still, I'm liking it now that I actually understand what's going on. On to season 2!

[zoeykallus]

Do you take requests? I would love to read something with Hunter where he teaches you how to fight :))) smut is also welcome

Hmm, thanks for the input 🔥🔥🔥

Hunter x Fem!Reader One-Shot - Show Me What You've Got

Warnings: Smut/Strongly Suggestive/Soft-Dom Hunter/Training Turns To Smut/Sexual Content/Dub-Con(?)/Dirty Stuff/18+

_________________

You won't find much of a plot here 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also, I'm so tired I could cry, so this is not proofread, sorry...

_________________

You are much too self-confident, actually you already know that before you visit him, so far you never beat hunter in a sparring session. But you want to try out the few moves you learned yesterday. And who would be better suited for that than Hunter, whom you like to get close to anyway? The man is downright outrageously handsome, with his dark hair, that striking face, those firm muscles under his toned skin. Combined with that deep, slightly smoky voice, the way he moves and looks at you, a cocktail that always makes your heart beat faster and fills your nights with wild dreams. Hunter really likes to be alone. You know that because he always makes sure he has a training room all to himself in the barracks. Basically, Hunter withdraws from others at every opportunity rather than seeking their proximity. You know why he takes time off whenever he can, trains alone, and spends as little time as possible with other soldiers besides his own squad. Hunter's extraordinary senses cause him to be quickly exposed to sensory overload, with things that others wouldn't even notice. Being continuously exposed to everything in this way, you imagine, is very exhausting.

So you can understand his general reserve. Hunter is already waiting for you when you enter the training room. He has already spread out the large mat on the floor, which is supposed to cushion any possible falls. You examine him quickly, inconspicuously. Black muscle shirt, black sports pants, barefoot. Of course, he's wearing his bandana, as usual. He has bandaged his hands, probably he intends to go to the punching bag later, you have observed him secretly, fascinated sometimes. The flex of his muscles, the power behind each punch, his posture. You suppress a longing sigh at the thought. Hunter addresses you, snapping you out of your thoughts. "There you are. I've been waiting." You glance at the clock hanging on the wall of the room above your heads, and say dryly, "I'm five minutes early." Hunter smiles with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, "I know, but you're usually in earlier than that" You blink, feeling caught. Does he know that you sometimes secretly watch him? But he distracts your thoughts again.

"You learned something new you wanted to try with me?" he asks curiously. "Um, yeah, right. Something Wolffe showed me." Hunter frowns briefly and asks, so casually it almost doesn't seem casual anymore, "Since when do you hang out with the wolf pack?" The way you look at him makes him feel like you're looking right into him and seeing through his curious question. So he looks down at his hands and pretends he needs to fix the bandages. Somehow you can't recognize his behavior for what it is at this moment. You shrug your shoulders and say, "For quite some time now, as a matter of fact, sometimes. Did I never tell you about it before?" "No, you didn't," Hunter says, clearing his throat and pulling his bandana a little tighter. "Well, now I've told you," you say lightly, unaware of why he's so interested. Hunter nods and says, "Okay, show me what you've got."

His gaze wanders along your body, your posture. Your black yoga pants hugging your curves, the shirt you wear is a little wider, but knotted in the back. Hunter is distracted and promptly lands on his back as you pull his legs away with a simple trick. He makes a startled noise before landing on the ground. Grinning, you bend over him. "Well, that was easy today," you say, amused.

"I wasn't fully on top of my game. That doesn't count." You snort and laugh softly, "Oh come on Hunter, no one on the battlefield cares if you're ready or not either". His eyes narrow, and he says suspiciously smoky, "Hmm, good point". In the next moment he's grabbed you, taken down your defenses, has you on your back and is on top of you.

"Damn," you curse softly and try to break free, but he holds you under him with ease. He grins at you and your heart really jumps out at him, but not only that, a gentle pulse has arisen between your thighs as your nether regions touch, and you feel every contact very clearly through the thin fabric of your pants. "Gotcha, once again," he says with a grin.

You smile back nervously. You are aware of how sharp his senses are, and he will notice the change in your mood and hormone balance very quickly. Finally, you see it in his face. His expression changes, the smile slowly disappears, he blinks and tilts his head slightly to the side. "That's new," he says softly. You don't even ask what he means, because you already know. You swallow and say just as quietly, "Sorry." You expect him to let go of you and seek distance, but he surprises you. Hunter grabs both of your wrists with one hand and pins them above your head on the mattress, his other hand gently moving to the back of your neck. "There is no need to be sorry, if you ask me".

He knows it's a daring move, but he cant help it, he has to take the leap and taste the waters.

Your heart almost jumps out of your chest as his face comes closer and closer. His lips touch yours, slowly at first, tenderly, and your pulse begins to race, your eyes closing. Hunter's tongue slides over your lips which automatically open for him, and as it slides in and touches yours, the pulse between your thighs intensifies. You moan softly into the kiss. Very clearly, you feel him slowly getting hard as his pelvis still rests on yours, between your thighs. The hand that is on your neck slowly moves down, over the fabric of your shirt, feeling your breasts, gently kneading them, probing. His thumb feels your nipples, which are erected, pressing through the thin fabric of your bra and shirt.

A shiver runs down your spine, a tingle spreads through your belly as he plays with your nipples through the fabric, still holding you captive beneath him and his kiss. Ever so slowly, barely noticeably, he moves between your legs, pushing his hard length through the fabric, rubbing over your pubic, sparking gentle, stimulating friction. Hunter's hand finally moves under the fabric, while the other still holds your wrists. You feel his bare fingertips on your skin, the rough fabric of the bandages on his hands as he pushes the cups of your bra up and off your breasts to get at the soft, velvety mounds beneath. Suddenly he straightens up, sitting between your thighs, and let's go of you. He points an admonishing finger at you with a dirty little smile and says, " Stay right there." You obey, not even thinking of contradicting him. He takes off the bandages, removes them from his hands and tosses them carelessly to the side before throwing himself over you again. He stops just inches away from your face, catches himself with his hands on the mat, and grins at you.

Hunter teasingly kisses your chin and the tip of your nose, then straightens up again, pulling your T-shirt over your head. "Be a good girl and come with me," he says in an almost whisper, close to your ear, just before he bites your earlobe very gently.

You swallow, but nod and let him help you up. Clad only in your panties, you follow him to a side chamber where other workout equipment is stored. Hunter leads you to one of the benches where people usually lift weights, puts his towel over it and gently but firmly pushes you onto it so that you are lying on your back in front of him.

With a little smirk, he says, "Good girl."

Hunter wanders down along your body, pulling off your yoga pants and murmuring, "I really need to smell and taste you." You blink, heat flooding your body the second you realize exactly what he means by that. Your pants land on the floor, then his fingers travel down from the base of your breasts to where your body is radiating the most heat. His fingertips ghost over the thin fabric of your panties, lingering on the wet spot, exerting playful pressure. Hunter is kneeling in front of the bench, head between your thighs, close to your pubic area, he takes a deep breath and shakily expels it. "Damn, what a scent!"

His cock is already twitching expectantly in his pants, your hormones, the luring substances your body produces in arousal, tingling under his skin, from crown to toe. His fingers finally wander under the waistband of your panties and pull them off as well.

You can't believe that you are lying practically naked on a bench in one of the training halls, Hunter's head between your thighs. He has reserved this room for himself, but it is not locked, someone could still come in. But this thought suddenly disappears from your mind when you feel his breath on your damp folds, and shortly after his lips and tongue.

He presses his tongue to your pussy, roaming through your folds, dipping into your sensitive, wet hole once or twice, making you twitch, before he focuses on your clit. His tongue, exerting perfect pressure, circles skillfully and nimbly on the bundle of nerves. You haven't noticed it yourself yet, but you're already sighing, moaning and gasping, fueling him in his efforts. Hunter feels exactly each of your reactions, knows exactly when and what causes your arousal to increase, and thus learns very quickly, to perfection, every pressure, every movement that sends you into ecstasy. You tremble with aroused tension, your thighs quiver gently. You are so horny, and yet a part of you is very aware of what is happening and can't quite grasp it. That's Hunter tonguing your clit as if he's been programmed to do just that. It feels so good, everything is tingling and vibrating inside you, your hands are gripping the bench above your head and clutching at it.

He is relentless. You hear the soft slurp, a repetitive soft aroused rumble deep from his chest as he holds your thighs apart with his hands. He's getting faster and faster, his tongue gliding over your swollen pearl more and more rapidly. Hunter is literally chasing you towards your orgasm. The knot that has formed in your belly loosens, a fiery tingle pulses through your clit, your pussy twitches and drips. Your moan is almost like a little scream. Hunter's tongue massages you through a prolonged, intense climax.

You dare only a brief glance and see his intense eyes, the pupils so dilated that his eyes seem almost black. His senses are full of you, your scent and your hormones have practically overpowered him. He lets go of your clit, just at the right moment, and you're just about to catch your breath when he moves further down and his tongue suddenly drills into your dripping opening and starts licking you out. "Hunter!" you exclaim, startled. Hypersensitive after climaxing, you twitch and tremble as he uses his tongue to fill you. He has to grip tighter to keep you from escaping his grasp and slipping off the bench with your twitching. You claw even harder with your hands on the bench. Hunter takes his time, absorbing every drop of your juices like a starving man. It takes a moment, but your arousal builds again. Suddenly his head comes out from between your legs and he takes a deep breath.

"What a feast, my good girl," he says in a voice rough with horniness. He straightens up, kneeling in front of the bench, his pelvis between your thighs, and you catch a glimpse of his hard length. His cock is thick, long, gently curved, the tip slightly red and swollen, leaking pre-cum. You lick your lips, knowing what's coming next, can't wait to feel him inside you. But you're also a little nervous. You know him, you know he won't hurt you, but this has all happened so suddenly and quite unexpectedly. As if sensing it, he looks at you and asks softly, "Are you ready for me, beautiful?" You blink, feeling a little breathless, but you nod and say, "I couldn't be more ready." He smirks, looks down, grips the base of his cock and guides the tip to your pussy. Hunter is hungry, very much so, but he takes it slow, applying only gentle pressure at first, prodding at your entrance, softly. You bend your legs and pull them up, opening your thighs invitingly a little wider for him.

Hunter applies more pressure, parts your wet folds and slowly advances between your slick walls. You watch him as he tenses his muscles. He licks his lips, looks down and watches in fascination as his hard length sinks into you. As he bottoms out in you, he closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath. The feeling is intense, for both of you. For him as your wet heat closes around his cock, his senses full of you, and for you as he stretches and fills you. One of his hands moves to your hip and grips gently but firmly, the other moves to your pubic area. His fingertips gently glide over your clit, which is swollen, gently pulsing. Your legs clamp gently but firmly around his hips, showing him you're ready for more. Hunter smiles in satisfaction. He can definitely feel and smell your willingness. He knows that his fingers dancing on your pearl have got you going again. His hips pull back a bit and thrust into you again. A soft wet sound, accompanied by the impact of naked skin on naked skin, fills the room. He takes you slowly, but he gradually speeds up. You feel each thrust, erotically invading, combined with your pearl pulsing under his fingers, and you lean your head back.

Hunter watches you, your every movement, the way your breasts move with each of his thrusts, and again and again he looks down, watching your bodies merge. "This is so good, Hunter," you moan, pushing against his thrusts, using your hands on the bench to push. He's getting faster and faster. The accelerating, lewd sound of your bodies colliding with each thrust, mixed with your lustful sounds, is like music to his ears. The tension, the intensity increases, you feel it too. You automatically tense your abdomen, causing your pussy to close even tighter around his cock.

He lets out a half-swallowed moan. His fingers on your clit quicken, his whole body tense, hard as granite. You groan out in a near whisper, "So close." "Good girl," Hunter presses out breathlessly.

His thrusts become irregular, he bites his lower lip, his hand on your hip grips tighter. Your climax pulses through the center of your body, makes your pussy twitch, and your thighs shake. A curse comes across your lips. The next moment you hear him let out a deep, drawn-out moan, feel his warm seed coating your walls. Two-three more slow, firm thrusts and Hunter pauses, breathing heavily. You both catch your breath, only now noticing that everything here smells musty like an old gym, mixed with the distinct tangy, salty smell of sex. He leaves your body, gently cleans you with the towel. Then, finally, your eyes meet again. You look at each other for a moment, then both of you grin. "That was an interesting workout," you say, laughing softly. He chuckles and says, "That's something Wolffe sure didn't show you." You look at him cheekily and say, "How would you know?" Hunter frowns, his smile disappears, he doesn't seem to know quite what to say. You can see his shoulders tense. You chuckle and say, "You should see your face. Relax Sergeant, you're the only soldier who's been between my thighs so far."

Hunter's shoulders relax again, he raises a brow in amusement, "If you don't mind, I'd like to remain the only one in the future"

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@rintheemolion

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[rocksalt-and-pie]

alright I've made a more in depth list of episodes I would like to see in a fanservice season 16 as previously mentioned in my other post:

- human Impala (should be portrayed by a 55+ years old actor or actress with a strong Detroit accent and a very loud deep voice. they have arthritis in their shoulders because Dean never oils their creaking door hinges)

- Sam and Dean body swap (the potential for jokes is just top tier and the outtakes from this will be out of this world) (Jensen playing Jared playing Sam and the other way around sounds like absolute chaos)

Cas immediately recognizes Dean even in Sam's body and it's revealed that all this time he has been looking directly at Dean's soul 😭 (no kissing in this episode though. God the psychological damage a Misha/Jared kiss would cause)

- parallel universe with female Sam and Dean that they get sent to and meet each other / alternatively: some kind of gender swap curse that makes them turn into women (the potential for misogynistic jokes turning into more understanding and therefore changed behavior is just chef's kiss)

Bonus points for Cas off-handedly mentioning that he doesn't think it's weird that he wasn't affected by the curse because technically he has no gender and the body he inhabits is just a vessel (close up on Dean's face Thinking Thoughts)

Rowena takes care of it and compliments the female versions of them and it's kinda gay ("do we have to turn you back? Shame, would have been nice to have some female company, we could have formed a coven! Or done other fun things" cut to irritated glances being exchanged between the brothers/sisters)

- Jack and Claire teaming up for a hunt (preferably saving their damsel in distress father and step-dad that got trapped in some dangerous place where they finally have nothing but time to talk things out because there is no way to escape, you have to be freed from the outside)

- stanford era Dean flashbacks (feeling lost and alone on the road)

- Bobby and Rufus in the 80s flashbacks (including baby Winchesters!)

- Bigfoot hunt (the teddy bear episode doesn't count) but it's just an escaped gorilla or something. I just wanna see them hiking again okay I like the woods

- some, like, desert monster idk. filmed on location in Arizona or Nevada in the sweltering heat. the boys being forced to remove layer after layer of plaid. show me Dean in a tank top (handprint included)

- birthday episode (either Sam's or Dean's idc. How come that in 15 years there was never a case taking place during one of their birthdays!)

- an actual wedding, either Sam and Eileen or Jody and Donna or Dean and [gun shots]

- beach episode, show me those bathing suits. give me a Bond girl moment

- another Wayward Sisters episode please

- reverse French mistake although it would be absolutely fucking insufferable and I would hate it with all my heart (but it would be sooo funny)

- resolve all the other loose threads of open ended episodes (there are so many! The tulpa from season 1! The girls in the hotel from the haunted house episode in season 2! Jesse the antichrist kid from season 5! The witch twins and how one of them brought the other back from the dead! The kid of that monster friend of Sam's that Dean killed in season 8 i think and told him to his face to come looking for him when he's grown up! That's five whole episodes right there!! and those are just the ones i could come up with from the top of my head but I'm sure there's more)

- BRING BACK BELA FOR JUST ONE SCENE PLEASE

- a lot of you mentioned a proper musical episode, which. sure why not. a curse that makes you sing/perceive everything happening as music perhaps?

- and then of course. The coconuts gently colliding but this goes without saying

[ikamigami]

I do not get how Sun can be blamed for Eclipse, there’s so many reasons why not

Sun AND Moon had no idea he was there, even Moon erroneously thought he just left some inert code in there that wouldn’t turn into something, but Sun had no idea because Moon never told him and Eclipse didn’t say anything right up until after July 16th

They blaming Sun’s bad thoughts is some of the most victim-blaming nonsense I’ve ever heard, this is the kind of belief people with OCD rail against because EVERYBODY has bad thoughts and/or intrusive thoughts, especially if they’re as abused and neglected as Sun is, the only thing that matters is if you act on them and Sun never did, he’s not evil for just having mean thoughts, it’s an excuse

Some argue Eclipse was upset with Sun for not standing up for himself and that’s why but that’s also nonsense, this is about as idiotic as Moon abusing Sun to “make him have a spine”, that’s NOT how you do it that’s basic abuse 101, if Eclipse was really seeing Sun’s true thoughts on his mistreatment and really cared he wouldn’t have made Sun’s life twice as awful

And then there’s Solar, living proof every choice Eclipse made didn’t have to happen, he could’ve chosen to be better at any point and all the bad was his choice, Solar proves he could’ve approached this all differently and got what he wanted sooner, he didn’t have to make himself everyone’s enemy, or at least Sun’s enemy as Sun even tried to plead with him even AFTER July 16th(which says something because they didn’t know about Bloodmoon, they thought Eclipse did it, so Sun trying to make nice with and beg the presence that killed the children he was closest too is a lot, even if it’s partially out of fear he had every right to hate Eclipse but he instead tried making peace)

All of the arguments people give for blaming Sun for Eclipse really irk me as it is victim-blaming, the one who’s far more responsible is Moon because he made Eclipse in the first place, but instead of just focusing on the perpetrator Eclipse just had to lash out at Sun instead

You're absolutely right, dear anon! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me ^^

I needed this more than you could think

My theory or take on this is that despite Eclipse hearing Sun's most deep hidden thoughts he didn't understand Sun..

I mean I think that Sun's inner thoughts were intrusive thoughts and thoughts that he's bad.. so I think that this is where Eclipse's words came from.. that Sun isn't better than them and he's just lying.. and he tried to show that to Moon..

But despite that Sun didn't stand up for himself.. despite Eclipse being sure that Sun would be capable of doing so and more.. Sun not only didn't stand up for himself but also he stayed with Moon and believed in him..

Hence Eclipse's words that he hated how Sun was handling himself..

Eclipse doesn't understand Sun.. he doesn't know that Sun's inner thoughts - from what I've gathered - are just his delusional perception of himself with also intrusive and impulsive thoughts and paranoia..

None of the things that happened to Eclipse were Sun's fault.. and yeah Eclipse should've focus more on Moon for leaving him behind abandoning him in Sun's head.. and for being abusive towards Sun as Eclipse could only watch..

Same was with Moon at the beginning.. instead of being angry at FazCo. he had to lash out at Sun who was nice and tried to help him..

Sun was really unfairly treated in life.. he got the worst hand..

And Eclipse was too bitter to care.. but I think that he still felt something.. because he was shocked by Sun's outbursts.. because he doesn't understand Sun..

And I think that he realized that Sun wasn't at fault like previous versions of him thought.. but I agree with goodolddumbbanana that Eclipse doesn't like to admit that he's wrong hence why he acts like the Sun from eaps is actually just like our Sun was.. even if that's not true.. but I think that he's just projecting to not have to face the truth fully.. because then he had to admit that he was wrong and he had to apologize for what he's done to Sun.. (even though it wasn't exactly him but he treats it like that)

But you're absolutely right that fans are awful for victim blaming Sun for Eclipse's situation.. because none of this was his fault.. even a tiniest bit..

Sun doesn't deserve such treatment especially when we see how much he tries to be better and do good and be kind.. despite everything..

Thank you once again, dear anon ^^

[imahinatjon]

Kinda got lost on what I was doing at the end of this one. Think I droned on a bit.

Also spelt wriothesley wrong the entire time so sorry about that

Anyway

wriothesley x reader 18+ 💋

Playing catch up

You were an innmate at the fortress of Meropide. Wriothsley didn't care why or how though. No, right now? He cared about how purely naive and oblivious you were.

Here's the story:

You and he were somewhere around the same age, and you'd become friendly during your earlier years at the fortress just before he became Duke. You weren't exactly close because of this fact, but with his position and the positive changes he enforced, you felt that he was the right man to talk to about a lot of things.

One of these things you felt you could talk to him about... was sex.

See, the other woman in your shared dormitory had been talking about men.

There were a lot of men in the fortress, but one woman was talking specifically about her boyfriend, still on the surface, and how... fervently they'd come together when her sentence was up - in a few months.

The second woman was content with her life in the Fortress and spoke openly of her sexual adventures within, she had a good life there, and could indulge in whoever she wanted, to an extend. She was satisfied.

The third woman was a little more prudish, but being as close as she was to her roommates, she opened up under vert little pressure and told them about one of the men she'd been seeing recently - a sweet guy who was a hard worker. They shared a lot in common and she was sure she was in love with him.

Then the three woman turned to you, the 4th, their other roomate. You must have looked like a deer in headlights because they told you you don't need to share if your uncomfortable. You shook your head at them

"It's not that... I just... I'm afraid I don't understand"

"Are you by chance..." one of the woman asked, a little shocked

"I-it doesn't matter, you don't need to tell us if you don't want to!" The third woman told you.

You nodded at them.

But the conversation had you thinking.

You knew very little of what they talked about, you wanted to relate, but you couldn't.

So you asked for help. From Writhosley, which, in hindsight, asking a man you had a slight crush on for advice about sex was NOT the best idea, purely for your own nerves, as you were just realising how suggestive your question was. So you tried to explain.

"Its just. the other woman, they've had all kinds of experienced, but I've never had any... it's hard to relate and I wanted to ask them, but... it's a little embarrassing"

"So you came to me?"

Writhosley sat in his office chair, looking up at you as you fidgeted. You asked him to avoid embarrassing yourself, and here you are embarrassing yourself ten times more.

He found it a little endearing. And cute.

Still, he had one question. How had you gone this far into your adult life and never even experimented. He'd never ask you that or course, but he'd offer his assistance.

That's why you were lay on his desk later that same night, he was showing you how to use your hands, or well, his hand.

He was leant over you, his fingers deep inside curling at all the right points, he had you squeeling.

Within minutes, he had you clenching around his fingers, rubbing yourself against his thumb that pressed so deliciously against your clit as you came down from your high. With how quick it was, he doubted you'd ever even touched yourself before.

The next time you visited him, he showed you how to use his mouth. It was... sensational, he had you whining and moaning and writhing over his desk while he sat comfortably on his chair, face buried in your most sensitive parts.

You came twice that time. He only stopped because didn't want to overwhelm you.

The third time, he hadn't actually arranged to meet you, he wasn't planning it, but you cane to his office of your own volition.

"You're doing so much to help me... I wanted... to help you too... if... y'know..." You weren't sure how to ask, and if was absolutely adorable of you. To stand infront of him, clenching your thighs together and twiddling your thumbs, offering to... help him. You'd noticed his trousers strain a couple of times, a tent forming, one that had you feeling more aroused every time you caught a glimpse. And when listening to the other woman you shared a room with, that meant he was exited. And... well, you'd be more than happy to get on your knees for him.

He let you too, sat at his desk, chair turned to the side so you'd have room. You used your hand to jack him off. At some point you must have grown curious of something, because your tongue was flicking over his tip, gathering precum, giving you a taste. Apparently you liked it, because you took him as far as you could into your mouth after that.

And boy oh boy were you a natural. You were oddly good at sucking him dry, he had to pull you off in the end, after he'd come, afraid you'd overestimate him too much if he let you go for another round... and then another... and...

He didn't offer a fourth time, a fourth lesson. He wasn't willing to go any further with you, not because he didn't want to, no, he REALLY wanted to. But, well, you weren't in a relationship, so, to go much further, was out of the question. He wasn't going to make you do that. (Not that he was making you do anything anyway, but still)

"So...what now...?" You asked him.

You associated his office with pleasure, but that pleasure was dissipating when he said he wasn't going to do any more with you, use his fingers, or his mouth, his thigh if you wanted, but he'd never have himself inside of you.

You didn't really understand it, but you enjoyed your time together in such intimate moments far too much to just let it go.

So you carried on visiting. And for months it was the same.

Your visits with him worked, you could understand what they were talking about, but one vital thing felt like it was missing.

So you confided in your first roomate, she was in a committed relationship, had been for a while, maybe she'd understand.

"Your in love"

"What?"

So that was it. You had a crush on him, but apparently in all your time together, it was becoming more. Everything made sense too.

Why you'd seek him out for more than just your alone time in his office, you'd have dinner together, so often that other prisoners believed sincerely that you were his favorite - and you were. He sought you out for a lot of reasons too, never anything important, he just liked to check on you.

You believed maybe he felt the same.

So you asked.

And he said no.

You stayed in your room that day, you didn't go to work, and your roomates were worried.

So the second roomate sought Writhosley out.

Whatever she said, you didn't know, but he was visiting you the next night, in your dormroom, when all your roomated just so happened to be gone, busy doing various things.

He kissed you then. That was the first time his lips ever met yours and it felt desperate.

But you pushed him away. He didn't love you. He didn't get the right to kiss you, didn't even have the right to touch you anymore.

Except he did - love you I mean. The right to touch you isn't his.

It was hard for him to express how he felt for you, not because he wasn't sure, he was damn near certain. But he had a reputation to uphold. He didn't know how dating you would affect it, would you be in danger? Would people loose respect? Would you become a target for harassment? Would your colleagues ostracize you?

"It's a bit late for that don't you think? They already think your playing favorites... but... I have friends, good friends, so, you needn't worry so much"

That was true wasn't it? He wasn't careful enough with you. And your friends were clearly good, your roomate was damn near ready to punch some sense into him after a little confrontation. He can be so stupid sometimes.

"Fuck it then"

He took you then. Finally, really took you, properly, how you wanted him too. With your consent or course, he asked first. He had to make sure you weren't too upset with him. But with a gentle smile, and a peck to the lips, you gave him the go ahead.

He had you missionary, he wanted to see your face, for the first time at least. He wanted to watch how your expressions contorted, and hear how you whined out his name clear as day.

He could have gone harder, he wanted to be rougher. But he held himself, there would be time for that later.

Right know, he was showing you that he cared

And it was beautiful expression.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Master list :3

[ominous-feychild]

Guys I literally JUST realized a thing about my autism/masking/alexithymia. I noticed there was an alexithymia tag here on tumblr and when I investigated, there was this one post listing these symptoms:

and I just--

I've had these exact, MAJOR struggles through my whole life for one.

But for two, and what's really interesting in my opinion...

Yesterday, I was having a video call with my mom. I've been off of some medications that I'm supposed to be taking because of financial issues, so my mental is NOT in a great place and I've had NO spoons for the past month. But while on call with her, she seriously, unironically, asked me if I thought I really needed the meds. Because, apparently, I "wasn't acting like I needed them" or something like that. And I'm sure I don't need to explain why that pissed me tf off.

But, like... at the time, the closest thing I could come up with for an answer was that "I have no spoons and no energy to do anything"; "I lived 17 years without meds, I kind-of know how to fake it"; and "I haven't had much socializing lately, so I have enough Social Energy™ to fake being okay right now."

Now that I'm not being put on the spot and after reading that post, I'm slowly figuring out that I've always done this. I mean, I've obviously always struggled to describe my own emotions and need to analyze my physical reactions to figure them out, but like. I'm just now starting to realize that I've really struggled to describe exactly how I'm "feeling bad" or, in fact, that I am feeling bad at all.

I mean, again, considering the alexithymia, that last part is a given. But it's kinda putting into perspective exactly how I've always had to understand "I don't have the energy to do anything" or "it's incredibly difficult to do anything" or "something deep inside of me feels Wrong™ and I can neither address nor identify it". I'd just passively have those "feelings" and struggle to continue life despite them.

It brings back thoughts of my struggles with masking, and how I was never diagnosed with autism as a child. Looking back, it should've been incredibly obvious. I had SO many of the tell-tale signs. But I guess it wasn't today, and there wasn't anywhere near as much awareness of what those signs were... but really. Textbook.

I'm sure my masking made it more difficult to recognize the signs as I got older. Hell, I even read over different "autism diagnosis checklist"s countless times, thinking to myself "oh wow it's a lot like me!... exceeeeeptttt--" and moved on from there.

I keep digressing. My point is, since discovering my autism and how it was hidden by masking, I've always wondered where my mask ends and where I begin. Most of the time, I feel like I feel nothing, even when I'm not depressed. I've been told I don't show my emotions, like when I'm happy (aka my chest is light and I feel free). That, or people can't tell when I like/dislike them (though that's partially a trauma thing). Other times, I've been told I'm smiling when I didn't even realize I was happy, much less that I was actually smiling. Some people have told me I'm incredibly easy to read, that my emotions show very clearly. But how can they when I feel like I feel nothing?

Which leads me back to what I said earlier, my conversation with my mother. How she asked if I actually need my meds because "I don't seem like I do". I guess I kind-of understand now, why she might've seen it that way. Do most people always show signs of how they actually feel? And how does the fact that I "don't feel" effect what I show?

I've wondered about that for a while. How much of how I act is because I was trained to, one way or another? How much of the emotion I show is because I learned to? Do I even show the emotions I feel? I really can't know because the people I know irl, who would better be able to tell me how I act, aren't understanding of any of these things. My older sister is lowkey ableist and thinks she sees the grand plan of the universe, my mother is too "pull yourself up by the bootstraps!!!" to accept Spoon Theory or mental health struggles, and just about everyone else in my life comes and goes as quickly as the wind.

Anyhow, this was a long rant that I've kinda had half-formed thoughts about for a while. Thanks for reading, hopefully this can help or entertain whoever stumbles upon this?

[allur1ngs]

could you give more information on hyo? we all know bada + bebe because they’re of course real but since hyo is an oc, we don’t know a lot about her. like her hair color/style, height and age, hobbies and personal things like that <3

okay, here's an official deep dive on Hyo!!

this is her official face claim, kim hieora's appearance in bad and crazy!! (i actually haven't seen the show...lmfao)

full name: kim hyo

she's 5'8, making her slightly shorter than bada and lusher, has dark brown (black in low lighting) hair, fair skin, and is 25/26 years old (i haven't decided yet hehe).

style: she loves a super laid-back and casual style when she's not wearing her normal suit, which is basically almost never...

hobbies: ...she doesn't really have time for any... but if on the off chance she takes a day off (literally once in a blue moon) she enjoys reading!! she's an avid reader and loves history!! she did very well in her studies, but history was always hyo's strong suit!!

likes: she LOVESSSS chocolate. that might be her only weakness. she likes sweets in general but not to the extent that she likes chocolate. she also likes cold showers and cold weather.

dislikes: disappointing bada. i feel like i've beat this point into the ground but it's such an important part of hyo's character!!

i'm going to go into a small rant so you've been warned but...

i'm not sure if anyone picked up on it from AWOOL, but hyo is the daughter of chung-hee, bada's bodyguard when bada was younger. hyo always looked up to her father because he was so dedicated to his work and she thought that the idea of protecting another person is such a noble cause/job to choose in life. so when she grew up she idolized her father greatly, and the few times she met bada while she was young, she also grew to idolize her too. bada has always been strong and independent, even before the death of her mother, so when hyo got to see how she took charge in her life without being arrogant and using the influence of her parents, hyo was like "yeah, i want to be just like her."

adding onto that, the lees basically kept hyo's family afloat. they paid her father an incredible sum of money for his work, and before that hyo grew up very poor, so she was basically taken out of poverty by the lee family.

(let's also not forget that chung-hee and mr. lee were also best friends since like childhood, so naturally hyo appreciated him a lot)

so after her father retired, bada--still recovering from the lingering affects of her mother's death and having no trust in almost anyone, somehow managed to trust hyo (because she was chung-hee's daughter)--who was now much older, to become a part of bebe.

hyo wasn't bada's bodyguard although she wanted to be--lusher got that privilege--but the second you stepped into bada's life she was assigned to protect you, and after that hyo felt like that was her calling. to protect the person most precious to bada like ji-ah (the man who killed bada's mother) didn't do. because of all that, she greatly respects you and thinks of you as a little sister she has to protect with her life.

okay rant over🤗

other things hyo dislikes includes, traitors--i'm sure you can guess why--snobby rich people, which in her line of work are literally everywhere so..., and people who disrespect those who have given them so much. in bloody knuckles, you'll see a bit of hyo's frustration with reader come out when she realizes that she lied to bada. she does, to an extent, understand and sympathize with reader's reasoning, but she sort of grows cold with her after that.

and before anyone starts to get any ideas, because i'm sure they will...hyo would never NEVER date reader or bada!! she thinks of reader as a little sister (not to mention bada is in LOVE LOVE with her and hyo would never betray bada like that), and bada is hyo's boss and someone she idolizes, she would never be in a relationship with either of them in the canon. and even out of canon bada is NOT hyo's type at all

okay that's all i can think of for now so let me know if you'd like to know more :D 🩷

[themultifandomgal]

Tommy Shelby- Old Love Pt3

Pt1 Pt4

The following day I decide that I do need to speak to Tommy. So leaving Charlie at my parents house I pluck up the courage and head to the betting shop a place I know and remember all to well. On arrival I find John having a chat with Finn while they smoke

"Hey YN"

"Hi. Is Tommy here?" I ask nervously

"Yeah. In his office"

"Thanks"

"If I hear shouting I'll come and rescue you" John jokes. We always were quite close. I walk into the betting shop and over to Tommys office. Taking in a deep breath I knock on the door

"What?" I hear a grump Thomas shout

"Hey" I quietly say opening the door

"YN" his head snaps up. His eyes meet mine. Those damn eyes that I fell in love with. I quickly look away "what are you doing here?"I sit down in the chair in front of Tommys desk "everyone has told me we need to talk"

"What about you? Do you think we need to talk?" Tommy crosses his arms over his chest

"Yeah I do actually"

"Well" he gestures with his hand for me to continue

"I don't really know where to start"

"How about you start with the reason why you left"

"Is that a serious question Tom?"

"Of course it is" he raises his voice "you left when I needed you. You left with my son YN!"

"What about when I needed you Tom! What about when I was struggling after giving birth!" I stand up shouting

"I was a war!"

"So was I!" I close my eyes trying to stop tears

"What are you on about?" I sit back down in the seat. After a moment of silence I finally look back at Tommy

"Before you came home, I went to an asylum"

"What!" Tommy stand up looking furious

"After I had Charlie, I couldn't cope. Polly called it the baby blues, but it never went away. Our neighbours called the police because Charlie was crying and I wasn't doing anything. I was. I was trying to get him to be quiet but I just started to break down. They took me away, gave Polly custody of Charlie and I went to an asylum. Tommy it was horrible" I can no longer hold my tears back "they would shock me and prod me. Thankfully Polly got me out and I had custody of Charlie again. By the time you came home I blocked it all out. I had no feelings for Charlie for a while, when he cried I would sit there letting Polly or my mum care for him. I got better, but when you came home I had to look after you, it made me sad again"

"Fucking hell YN"

"When I saw you with the barmaid, it practically killed me Tom"

"Why didn't you tell me any of this?"

"How could I. You were dealing with the shit after war. I was failing at being a mother. How do you tell the man you love, the father of your baby that you didn't love said baby. Of course I love him now, but I was struggling"

"I wish you had told me" Tommy sighs sitting back down

"I know. I'm sorry. Mum said something yesterday which made me realise that I've been blaming you for everything that happened but I didn't speak to you, I took your son from you and moved. I'm sorry"

"So what's going to happen now?" I shrug

"I'd like you to be apart of Charlie's life"

"What about where you live? Will you come back home?"

"No. We're divorced Tom. I'm not moving back in with you, but if things go well and we can get on, I'll move in with my parents"

"Ok" Tommy rubs his hands over his face "you know I never stopped loving you"

"What about when you slept with her, or god knows who else"

"I was trying to get over you. Never fell in love again"

"So you still love me?"

"Yeah. Yeah I do"

"I still love you too, but I can't just jump back into a life with you"

"I understand. Polly's having all of us for dinner tomorrow, come, bring Charlie and your parents. Let's just start with being friends again"

"I'll think about it. I best go" I get up from the seat

"Maybe see you tomorrow"

"Maybe" I leave Tommys office

"You left him alive in there?" Arthur asks

"Yeah don't worry. See you around" I wave the boys goodbye and leave the betting shop to go back to my parents house