#which i didnt know it was possible to be burnt out in more ways than one at once

[snootlestheangel]

I love standing there talking to my manager and just having the worst coughing fit and she's like "please don't die"

It's gotten to the point cough drops aren't really helping so that's fun

Only 3 hours left and I can go home and sleep

[ego-meliorem-esse]

Staying alive for centuries, if not millennia, and enduring trauma that spans for generations is bound to transform even saints into rats. Day-to-day life in the middle-ages was batshit dystopian (especially in Europe). I'm of the belief that older nations (think england, france, china, india) are far more rat-like and cynical than their much younger counterparts who have witnessed far less war, strife, prejudice and just aren't as burnt out as them (with some major exceptions). Mega bonus points if the youngins received some form of parental care, even if it's not perfect (like zee, australia, alfred).

I love how you emphasize that "Arthur is not a good man". But in his defense, I think none of the oldies are good men. There are personifications that predate Arthur by many millennia (e.g. India, China). To them, Arthur looks like a teenager. They lost power to a pasty little rat completely drunk on power, and so a part of them knows their colonization wouldn't last, so they endure it with an air of haughty annoyance and impatience, I'd like to think. They're still working against Arthur, but there's no seething rage as one might expect. They master the stiff upper lip far, far better than Arthur. Which I imagine makes him envious. I know you don't talk about India or China, but I think their personal interactions with Arthur would be extremely fascinating, be it in the 19th century or present-day. sorry for the long rant, luv your blog

👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆

(I am so sorry i took a millenia to answer this but i always wnated to give a structured and thought out oppinion but never had the time in the last few months to sit down and think.

Having said that Im gonna answer as many older asks as i possibly can. Im sorry once again and your mind is a palace decorated with interesting and fascinating ideas)

So many have come before him. Too many died not having been recorded by the watchfull eye of history.

Arthur is not the oldest of the oldies. He is young compared to someone like China or Syria.

To start off with i think China is the most interesting Helltalia character there is. Just the years and cultures and dynasties and changing political systems and rise to power and fall and rise and again and again. The splitting and putting back together the regions. The innovation and influence. Ahvdnajxbnzksbx

So much creative liberty there and so much to learn and look into.

None of these nations, old or young are good or bad. They also are. In a way that a sparrow is bad for crop growth and good for locust population control.

"Arthur is not a good man" is not a general idea. They are Arthurs own words, about himself. He does not believe himself to be a good man. But then again, there are few nations who think of themselves as 'good' or 'righteous'. Years come and years pass. Now multiply that by a few thousant times. Good decisions lead to bad concequences and bad decisions lead to good ones. Good ideas are good until there are better ones pointing out the horrors of the past ideas. If you try to protect yourself and your family and damn another are you a bad person? Or are you a bad person if you damn your own family to save others? 'Good' is different for every nation. It just so happens that Arthur does not consider who he is to be righteous or benevolent. He has made decisions that damned his own soldiers for the sake of his own blood, his children. But he has sacrificed the lives of his progenies to advance himself and his empire. Its not the fact that he sacrificed his children or soldiers that he thinks make him bad, but he believes his hypocracy to be the thing that makes him "not a good man".

I think the older countries like China, Syria, ancient Rome and Egypt, Norte-Chico, Aksum (etc etc) didnt have what younger nations today got. At least not as frequently and directly. Alfred got a father willing to burn down villages and string up reverends to make sure his son didnt see the hangmans knot ever again. His brother and sister and their weird and tall french brother got to live a life as vomfotable as possible for them at that particular time growing up. They didnt see the world change. They were born into it already having shifted. That goes for other younger nationfolk. Some had harder lives than others but the world was connected and integrated to a certain degree when they were born. Loneliness is the main topic of the ancient nation personifications. If you asked a human in a town or village a few thousand years ago what the characteristics of his nation was he would respond with loneliness and reclusivity. So few knew eachother and fewer interacted regularly. A nation born is a nation doomed or abandoned by their parent nation if they had one. If by death or otherwise.

So what i think really set appart the oldies from the noobs are the inreactions they have with eachother. Old nations have learned and expect the sort of "stiff upper lip" you mentioned more than newer nations. If thats even possible. They grew up lonely, and and to a certain degree every nation is lonely, but the ancient world saw too much. So they stay even more lonely.

As ive mentioned, China is such an interesting character to me. He is very smart and he has lived through double the shit these old Europeans have. The oppium wars is something i studied recently and i kept thinking of how Yao would see all of this: "the gall of that young man to come to my shores and demand to do proper business while pointing a loaded gun to my head".

And after a few more decades he sees this European powerhouse get knocked down by none other than the mans very own bastard boy. As a human man, Yao finds comfort and amusment in that. The irony is rich and plentiful. The revenge tastes sweet.

But as a nation, that is extremly scary. The higherarchy is changing, so that means he has to change. And if he has to change that means old wounds will be reopen and new ones will take their place beside the old ones. And he does change. He adapts and tries to understand. Lots of new wounds are reddening his clothes. Lots of new wounds are reddening the clothes of others. In that change, there is loneliness. He keeps it to himself. Saving face is what he knows how to do. Just as most nations do.

Yao has long ago decided to drop the words good/bad from his personal lexicon. The concept of good is noble but not advantageous when it comes to their kind. Nations are purely bad in some situations, yet they are entirely good in others.

Anyyywayyyyy, im rambling too much at this point. I might do more hcs on China, but i think i should stop here for now. This isnt coherent or logical so lemme stop myself from further embarassment lol

[outragedslime]

its been so long since i used tumblr as a kinda diary lol but i would like to ramble about my thoughts more often so i may do it again

thought of the day: its so weird trying to get help for things you struggle with and not getting it because you prepared yourself for that support meeting, and so you "seem capable" and not get that support. ill ramble a little about it under the cut but this is mostly related to autism and employment #pensive #thoughtful

i was diagnosed earlier this year with autism and a large part of my issues relate to social interactions and strong anxiety surrounding them (even posting this is taking a lot out of me, ive stopped posting much other than my art lately because of social anxiety, but im trying to change that). in february i went to a college counsellor to ask for advice on how to get hired because i knew ill get into the situation im in currently, where im jobseeking and unable to get in anywhere because a large part of finding employment especially in the circles relating to my degree is networking and connecting to people.

he didnt really offer anything because "well, you seem to communicate with me today just fine" which 😭 i was so anxious for that meeting and it took me months to schedule it, i prepared for every possibility in my head meticulously so i had a script of what to say. the issue is, in my day to day, i cannot plan this kind of stuff. i dont know how to reach out to employers in a way that is polite and not too much, but still shows my enthusiasm. i dont know how to connect. lately its been stopping me from applying at all. (on that note, i know a "bad" application is better than no application, and ive been trying to apply everywhere. i just think im getting a bit overwhelmed with it now)

ive reached a stage in the job hunt where i honestly feel a little burnt out. i havent sent in a single application in the last 3 days which i feel awful about bc my mom will be expecting an update soon on how the job hunt is going.

its just wild to me how im in this position even though i tried reaching out for the supports to prevent it, but when i did, i "seemed capable" on the day which took many breakdowns to prepare for, so i got a pat on the back and nothing else. i wish i was able to socialise better sfsdgdf not just in employment but in general life too, but yea rn im rly feeling it with the unemployment blues 😩

[bubbly-parker]

Did you know seahorses mate for life?

@mon-of-the-dead

requested: yes A/N: i did get a little carried away so this is a lot longer than i anticipated it to be it was suppoes to be like a VERY short getting back into writing blurb I also didnt check for any spelling errors or mistakes.......sorry

summary: Its a cold january night but you're excited either way cause its movie night with your husband Peter---------------------------------

The air was so cold that breathing hurt, everything hurt your legs, your arms , your back EVERYTHING. Walking home right after a snow storm hit New York was not your smartest move but you just couldnt wait to get home: not on a Friday you thought due to the weather situtation you would have waited almost 30 minutes for an uber so a 20 minutes walk it was. You picked up your steps and walked faster at least as fast as you could without slipping and sliding on the icey and snowey streets.

Christmas lights were still hanging around even in January, the snow hit again unexpectedly so the cities workers just never got around to taking them down. It was a nice quiet evening which was perfect perfect perfect

for the Dinner date x movie night you and your Husband had planned. The both of you are still deep into your honeymoon phase haven only gotten married a month ago. Peter and you moved in together 6 months ago and every friday you both make sure to be home 6Pm on the dot. you're very busy with your new corporate job and Peter is also very busy nowadays being back in shape and back on track.

You love how supportive he has been about everything in your life there are many days were you spent hours and hours pent up in your little home office right after you come back from the main office but Peter never bugs ;) you ever.

You know his last marriage didn't work out because they spent too little time with each other and you wanted Peter to feel secure about this one so you compromised

on friday no Manager no Partner Company and no Boss could keep you around longer than what you signed up for

friday is Peters Day.

Finally arriving at your apartment the first thing you can smell from right outside the door is BURNT. You unlock the door as quickly as possible :" PETER ! is the kitchen burning !? AGAIN" and youre greeted by Peter who was waving a dishtowel around trying to get the smoke to go out through the window - "Hi babe, no i swear its not- it looks worse than it is, its just ..we do need a new microwave" walking into the kitchen your beautiful microwave is well no longer beautiful.

overall the situtation seemed to be back under control but that doesnt stop you from grieving your amazing microwave with build in oven and defroster and so much more

"i was just trying to make some popcorn its microwaveable" Peter had closed the window considering most smoke is now gone "why would it blow up? its for the microwave" Peter took the now very burnt and blackend plastic bag out of the microwave holding it up as if he was inspectig it. You couldnt help but laugh at his stupidity -poor microwave

you went to Peters side wrapping one arm around him smiling up at him "Peter?" he looked down at you to acknowledge you speaking "youre supposed to take the plastic packaging off"

And this Ladies and gentlemen is why up until he met you he was safest living on takeaway and pizza and more takeaway

Fast forward and hour later the kitchen has been cleaned all residues from the smoke gone and the kitchen was back in business.

"first melt the butter then add 2 tea spoons of flour and whisk until well combined" Peter was reading a recipe off of his Phone "I can make a roux Pete i wanted to know which spices we need " somehow this answered your question weather he was listening or not

Peter went to get all the spices listed out of the cabinet while you continued adding cream and the rest of the ingredients to your Pasta sauce vaguely going by the recipe.

Pasta. The one thing that unites everyone. And every couple that can never decide what to eat.

"tell me when to stop" Peter started dumping all the spices in your sauce one by one stopping whenever you told him to. Hes like a child just happy to be involved. But hes not as useless. Cutting up all the veggies, dicing the onions, he has quite decent knive skills. Of couse you taught him.

Peter had his arms around you from behind resting his chin on your head just watching you stir the sauce. You always hated having people in your kitchen while cooking but now you hate it when hes not in your kitchen. Idiot.

You sent him of to choose a movie while you plated your pasta. You know the second you'll enter the living room you will still have to choose the movie for Mr. indecisive.

'Me before you' one of your favourite movies that Peter hasnt seen yet was playing while you two laid on the couch.

Pasta long finished Plates stacked on your little side tabel. You were on top of Peter eyes falling close as he played with your hair, you didnt need to see the movie to know what was happening.

You love how Peter knows how to quiet your mind down how to wrap his fingers around your hair to make you sleepy. how to draw patterns on your back to relax and how strong and sturdy he was you never needed to worry about just crashing all your weight down on him he was like the best mattress topper on the planet. So cozy you were about to fall asleep when

"Did you know that seahorses mate for life?" Peter and his very random questions at very random times came and they never failed to amaze you. Opening your eyes you lifted your head and looked at him " No i did not"

Peter smiled at you stroking your cheek with his thumb " i really like seahorses"

"i guess you're my seahorse then Mr. Parker"

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary + snake secondary (bird model)

hi! apologies if this is all over the place, im going a little crazy. so, i am going absolutely crazy trying to figure out my primary and secondary. i used to think i was a snake bird (modeling badger snake), but then i started thinking about it and went “hm. maybe im actually a double snake?” and now im thinking i might be a lion snake or . something. i have absolutely no idea. i do know ive either exploded or burnt both primary and secondary at some point though.

So some Exploding or Burning, probably an Internal primary (Snake or Lion) with an I Move secondary (Bird or Snake.) Let’s see what we have. 

so, ive always thought i must be a snake primary because i’m very people-oriented (and i regard people with a certain type of possessiveness), but thats mostly because like… i have an intrinsic fear of being alone thanks to lgbt things (im aromantic - so the internalized arophobia and fear of dying alone is REAL big, esp considering my ex was just straight-up an arophobe) and mental illness issues (i have autism and ptsd that both mesh together to create my being incredibly anxious when around new people/situations - which doesnt lend itself well to interacting with others, so when i do latch onto someone, i latch on HARD). 

Just breathe. It’s okay. But yeah, that’s survival mode human stuff. We do have Burnt secondary language “not good at dealing with new people/situations” etch. And you *did* apologize to me first thing, which is my favorite litmus test for whether a secondary is burnt or not. 

i would not feel bad dropping each and every person in my life for literally zero reason other than i didnt like their vibes. in fact, i really wish i felt comfortable enough to do that! 

Cool. That’s kinda badass. Make me think Idealist primary... and probably Lion, who are classically the most comfortable being loners. 

im so tired all the time, and being the resident mom friend doesnt help that at all. 

ooooh we’ve got a burnt secondary, compensating Badger secondary model. (Or possibly just badger secondary.) 

ive honestly started getting a bit resentful of my friends bc i feel like theyre making me take care of them (though i know they arent).

That’s a common problem with Badger secondary people who aren’t *really* protective of their boundaries. 

so… i guess it would be helpful to explain my morals and motivations, huh?? to be blunt, i really dont know what they currently are. ive started pulling away from relying on other people. which is really healthy for me i think. i used to rely on my ex in particular to handle all of my morals (with them convincing me i was actually evil in the process - they were abusive) and im really glad that im healing enough to stop outsourcing at least that, but im still trying to build up… something to rely on. 

You’re the second SortMe post in a row that to use the specific phrase “outsourcing my morals,” but I don’t think I’m going to sort you the same way, and I’ll tell you why. 

Mainly what I am doing here is making what I consider to be statistically likely guesses. I’ve read a lot of these, and it’s enough to start seeing patterns. And I can tell you that “gaslighting ex” is MUCH more of Burnt Bird primary story, than a Burnt Lion primary story. Put that together with “I’m trying to build up... something to rely on”... and I’d be very surprised if you weren’t a Bird, friend.

i really dont ever feel quite secure. especially not enough to actually express myself as myself. hopping from relationship to relationship has been my stand-in for support up to now, but relationships are just … augh. i dont like them. ive always also felt a drive to protect and care for people (and animals! i wanted to do wildlife rehab growing up, and on the people side ive been interested in anthropology) in need

Sounds like a pretty good start to building a system. 

which sounds very badgery on paper, but honestly i cant relate to badgers really at all. something about it just doesnt really fit me, i guess? i cant relate to the community aspect of it. like yes, every person is a person, but also like. thats not whats important to me. i want to do good things, and be good, or at least better than i was before, and yes that involves taking care of those in need (to me at least), but its not… like how badgers are typically described. i dont even have anything against badgers, i really like them, but im just. not that.

You’re not a Badger. You like some of the values, but your life is not built out of communities, and you seem to like it that way.

i have also almost never forgiven anyone in my life. the few times i have ended up being mistakes, so never again. 

There was another Bird primary post that made the important distinction that there’s forgiving someone... and then there’s letting them back in to do the same thing again. 

on the snake side, i feel like i might have used to rank people according to how important they are to me, but i think that was more of a learned thing than anything else. i really admire snakes, and i want to be one, but i feel more like im just . not being genuine when i think of myself as one, even though thats what i get each time i take the official shc test (which i have recently taken the 2.0 one) and what ive considered myself to be for years now. its stopped fully fitting (unless im somehow gaslighting myself here) and i really dont know what to do about that. 

You also weren’t in a very healthy place recently, and it’s a lot harder to get a read on yourself when you’re not doing okay. (Not impossible, just... harder.) 

like, ill live, its really not that big of a deal, but i still have emotions and its still difficult. i dont like being wrong.

That’s also sounding pretty Bird to me. Both “I don’t like being wrong” and the “my emotions are difficult.” If you were a Lion, those emotions would be your compass, but Birds don’t work that way. 

on the how i do things side - i tend to react very aggressively when what/who i care about gets fucked over, and see no problem with being vicious or lying, acting, whatever i need to do to get my point across. i dont view it as bad. whatever works, works yknow? 

Okay, so you’re probably a Snake or a Bird secondary (which you knew.) And I do see where that Snake primary false positive is coming from. You have some Snake values in your system for sure, but you don’t sound like a Snake when you talk. 

i do like planning at least an outline before things, but im also perfectly content throwing it out the window. though i do enjoy collecting little bits of info i can use later! and learning! and using what i learn! but its very much a “oooohhh this is fun!!!” type thing. 

So that’s at least a fun Bird model (and it seems like every single neurodivergent person has a Bird model, so that’s not all that surprising.) 

i am not a hard worker. at all. i HATE doing things the badger sec way. it sucks and i hate it and i just want to get things done with immediately right now.

Hmm. Now that sounds very In-the-Moment, doesn’t it? I’m starting to lean Snake. 

one thing i very clearly remember from childhood is that once, in middle school, i hung out with a group of mostly boys and we were like. the loner weirdo kids. and one guy smacked me across the face for whatever reason and i immediately went “if you do that again, i will kick you directly in the crotch,” and then he went “i like you!” and we were. ig friends? from then on. Guys.. idk 

Guys are known to socialize like that sometimes. 

i didnt really have that much of an opinion on him that i can remember. i thought i was a bird for a while because of the aforementioned “oh learning fun!” thing and my reliance on at least a light plan, but then i thought about what i do under pressure. and i realized that i go fully improv, and that i feel better doing that than planning. 

Yeah, I bet it does. 

because planning also sucks and i dont really like it. ive tried using planners before and its…. so hard to keep up with….. now, my mom is a lion sec and i dont understand her AT ALL. like yeah, i can imitate her and also push through things directly, but my god is it uncomfy. id prefer to poke around and get a handle on things first, so i can have more of a finesse to what i do. 

Oh this is such classic Snake secondary stuff. Right down to the way that Snake Secondaries do not get Lions, and vice-versa. Also, I dunno, from all the examples given, I would not describe you as “not good at interacting with others.” 

i tend to favor seduction and assassination or rogue-ish routes in games, if that helps any. 

It does. (Snake.) 

sometimes my mom will be set on doing things a certain way and will be metaphorically banging her head on a wall, 

like a Lion 

and ill be in the corner desperately just like “mom please let me do this please let me hand you a different way to do this oh my god you are killing me here that isnt going to work”

Yeah, that seems like a pretty clear communication disconnect. 

[scourgefrontiers]

going off my tags on the last post: i really do sometimes think about making comics for a living and self publishing them. the thought of bringing my stories and characters to life in the form of a visual story that's printed so that i can hold it in my hands is just so incredibly appealing to me. ive been into making comics since i was little, like literally my oldest art that i still have was a little comic book-esque thing i made out of a small hand-sized notebook that i made when i was like 5. it feels like visual storytelling is in my blood?

its just that with unmedicated adhd i get so easily and heavily burnt out on things, especially big projects that tend to overwhelm me with their size and time requirements. i know itd be very hard to do in my current mental state, and id kind of be jumping into the self publishing scene for the first time so i dont know the first thing about it compared to like..character design. ive put a lot of time and effort into character design, but somehow..i dont feel like im wasting it if i go into comics professionally. i can still use my design skills to create appealing characters for my comics!

yeah i'd be out of a steady-paying job afaik. but itd still be income, and that's a good thing for me! id probably have to focus more on the comics i make rather than commissions, too, which im a little relieved by but also Not because again comics take a Lot of time and work and hustle sometimes. deadlines for publishing will become a thing that ive never had to worry about (although i guess unless you count me putting a "post a page every week" deadline on myself, which i kind of was able to do for a while??? idk)

with the drop of the danny phantom graphic novel and the overwhelming response to my own comic, i just feel like maybe comics might be the way to go for me, and i didnt see or consider it fully until now. is it possible that if i go into comics i can have this feeling more? will ppl feel this way about my other comics even though theyd be original and not fancomics?? it might be a gamble honestly but if it works out that way then itd be 100% worth the time and work id have to put into it. this feels so amazing im on cloud nine right now x'D

[v-r-i-s-vris-v-r-i-s]

I LOVE BAD ART

hiii im thyme (ze/zir/they/them), one of the 4 ppl w accces to this acct, and sry for spelling, im dysgraphic + actualy typing and not using speach-to-text like normal

ANYWAYS

i LOVE bad art, and i HATE when ppl get upset i say that!

i grew up w a lot of pressuer on me to be good, definetly in general, but also absolutly w art!! my mom was an artist, and i grew up VERY christian. everything i did reflected on god, and more importantly to my mom, on her.

she was so exited to have a kid who LOVED art and stuff like her, but i was never good enough. she would always tell everyone how good i was, how i was gifted by god, and how much i took after her. (she was v self centered and would majorly talk up anything that made her look good, yikes i know)

so ppl would be naturaly interested and exited to see! and then i would be forced to show them some art, which, keep in mind, was verry age appropriate and full of the generally goofy stuff i loved, and 9/10 they would be dissapointed. even if they werent my mom decided to constantly pressure me to do better.

this was really stressful obv, and i stopped drawing for the first time. when i got into middle school, i started again, this time not really ttelling my mom. i was happier, but had already had it impressed down onto me that my art had to be good to warrant existing or taking my time. i was v stressed by it, and as i slowly started to get more comfortable i was imedietly bombarded with competition.

i struggled to get better in the ways that seemed easy for anyone else, PDA kicked in as soon as i felt something NEEDED to be done, and i was compaird to everyone my age and younger and told how much better theye were.

i never wanted to make it a competition, i just wanted to have fun. i wanted to do something hands on that could express me better than my words ever could (undiagnosed autism at the time made me feel verry weird and thuroughly broken, and explaining that wo imedietly getting invalidating and patronizing answers simply did not happen)

i stoped drawing again. i changed schools and had a better art teacher. she wasnt a dick bout my art, but definetly acted overly suportev(possibly im anxiose and projecting past art trauma onto her lmao and she was just being normal, she was cool af tho). i starded drawing more, on and offf, and got REALLY depressed and burnt out. one of the ways it manifested was being unable to be creative.

but things did get better!!! got an autism diagnosis and educated myself more on my dysgraphia diagnosis(got in elementry school), came out, made freinds who brought me to queer music and caberet shows(tysm phoenix), and was able to move out!

as im now on my own, my art drive has rissen signifigantly, especily as im surounded by other art enjoying weirdos(complementary). but i still hate when someone says that my art is good or bad. constructive advice and support is always valued, but there are so many mediums and people and styles, how on earth do we judge that?? having to be good enough for everyone to warent my own existance and hobbies almost killed me, and sucked all of the joy out of my life.

ive seen people who got so happy to doodle, only to stop forever when someone makes a remark on skill with their age. ive seen family stop bc someone joked abt their stick figures or car drawings, because even if the joker didnt mean it outside of a goofy remark, the joke was meanspirited and ment to put the artist down. I HATE THIS??!?!

WHO DECIDES WHATS GOOD ENOUGH TO EXIST??? capitilism? christianity? the example of two dead ppl from history???

obviosly i dont fuck w that.

art is something made to express something, how are you going to take such a broad catagory and shove it into your biased and sad binary?

so i proudly call my art bad. as an ongoing rebelion against everyone who thought and thinks that something has to fit their binary of goodto exist. i say bd to help myself unlearn the shitty things that were pushed onto me, and as a way of saying i dont have to be anyone's good to warent my own joy.

some ppl will cut in here, theyll tell me not to talk badly about myself (im not). theyl say even if i dont mean it bad, my brain will internalize it as a negative(i dont think that applies here?) or theyll spew some capitlistic bs (HUH, GUESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT.)

no hate to others reclaiming their art and love for it in different ways,this is just how it works for me. in in my art vocabulary, bad means not locking itself into the harsh expectations of good, and i find that incredibly freeing :)

[folkoreluvr]

Return of the dragon | chapter iii “Grace cried power”

grace stark cuddled up to Thomas Mann was splashed across page six with a rather unflattering image of them both in his limo, their eyes scrunched and red from flash photography. Her father had waved it in her face at breakfast and grace had angrily bitten into her croissant whilst pepper stared at the two of them blankly. They both knew it was a fake relationship purely for the sake of pr but clearly tony was hoping it was more. He had wiggled his eyebrows in the strangest way possible and taken a large and loud sip of his coffee whilst he waited for her answer.

"what do you want me to say dad?" she eventually snapped this is why I stay away from my family

"are you happy?" she gripped her knife tighter and took a deep breath to fight the urge to dig it into her fathers neck

"not at this present moment, no" her tone was bitter and sharp which somehow amused her little sister as morgan was giggling at the scene in front of her

"oh grace, he just wants to see you in a relationship you know that."pepper smiled almost apologetically at the girl and grace felt that sickly feeling in her stomach. He doesnt want me to be happy he just wants me to get married. She smiled back at pepper but it must have looked more like a grimace because the woman gave her another apologetic look.

"Im perfectly happy single dad. I have places to be anyway so ill get going now." she walked fast out of the room with the croissant between her teeth and the magazine squeezed in her fist. The more she thought the angrier she became and by the time she arrived at her room the magazine had orange flickers crawling about it. That was becoming a habit recently and Grace had elected to keeping her hair away after she had almost burnt it off. Her skin was resistant to fire however, it had been since the accident.

The fire summoning was new however and Grace could barely even comprehend it let alone control it. She had shunned her powers for years, with memory spells and secrets. She didnt understand what she was. Was she a witch like Wanda or a sorcerer like Loki or a mutant like Pietro. The origin of her powers were unknown and after hours of research she found nothing. It seemed no one in the past million years had possessed powers like hers. All that existed was a whispered legend of a forgotten race of people with the power of elements, of true nature. There was only one person who might know anything about her and her powers but she was much to proud to go asking. Grace knew damn well he would laugh in her face and refuse, or worse, make her beg. Loki thrived off of power and dominance. He had the urge to always be in control and always be on top. It was something Grace respected and even agreed with but she just could not find it in her to like him and the feeling was mutual. In the months she has been an avenger she had stabbed him twice, he had attempted to drown her in the pool and were notorious for fighting and arguing on all missions they were put on together.

She let the flames grow on the magazine until it was fully engulphed. Puffs of smoke floated around the room in whisps of silver and shaped around her. Grace allowed herself to be calm closing her eyes and steadying herself until there was nothing but the charred remains of the gossip magazine. She tossed them into the bin and wandered to the bathroom she shared with Loki. However when she opened it he was stood dripping with a towel wrapped around his waist. He was angry yet silent as he rubbed some sort of Asgardian oil onto his pale skin. She stood there and stared at him for a second to take him in. Loki was a very private person, unlike his brother who was half naked half the time, she had never seen him wearing less than a designer suit. His body was defined and muscular and although he wasnt as bulked up as his Thor he looked strong, intimidatingly so even. Upon further looking she saw scars littered across his soft skin. Some red and ragged others rippled and shiny. Some that looked like slashes and stabs but many that looked like burns. They had been hidden slightly in scar creams but they were still there. Pepper had told Grace about Loki, how he had been weakened then controlled by the sceptre but she hadnt thought about just how he had been weakened. Tortured. Thats what it looked like to her. Loki would be much to vain to do it so himself and his brother is lacking any sort of similar scars himself. He seemed to have grown impatient at her staring as he rudely interrupted her chugging train of thought

"what do you want stark?" he looked strangely uncomfortable which was weird for Loki who always looked stoic and mildly murderous

"I just need to wash my hands. And stop calling me that" she walked to the second sink next to him and turned on the cold tap, letting it drive away the coal dust on her skin.

"it is what you are is it not?" he said without looking at her "a stark" her name left his lips like a curse and Grace didnt have to look his way to know his lips were sneered and his eyes full of hatred.

"ill have to start calling you prick then. Because thats what you are is it not?" she still did not look up but heard a loud clattering of jars and an almost slam of his cabinet. She heard him turn around and then looked up as he stormed away, black coils tapping on his defined back as he left.

Grace was lounging comfortably on the soft sofa in the library, her legs tucked up underneath her and a copy of Emma by Jane Austen open in her hands. A few hours of undisturbed piece had done her good. It was as if Loki was gone entirely from her head, her powers too. She was not worried about control or hurting someone, only Emmas unkind words to poor miss bates. That was until Wanda came bursting through the door in search for her

"there is someone here. Someone different I can sense it" she put her tattered book down and turned around to face the red head.

"why does it matter wan, unless were being invaded by aliens?"

"then kind of, shes Asgardian and likes Loki so we should probably take that into consideration" she chuckled at that and stood up. Together they both walked to the common room where several people were huddled around this girl. She was tall and had short blonde hair. Her skin was pale like Lokis and her eyes were dark  blue. She looked oddly familiar but Grace chalked it up to being blonde considering how many blondes she knew. The girl stood up when she noticed Grace and walked over to her, she extended her hand and grace shook it with a polite smile

"my name is Sylvie" she had the same accent as the Odinson brothers and the same diplomatic look that she knew all too well

"its nice to meet you. My names Grace, Grace Stark"

"are you his daughter?" Sylvie asked, gesturing to Tony who was sat comfortably on his thousand dollar arm chair.

"unfortunately" Grace said bluntly. Sylvie laughed, assuming it was a joke and Grace smiled awkwardly to play it off.

"you two look so alike"

"so I hear" she said with a chuckle Sylvie walked over to the sofa and Grace followed after her

"but I have to say you are the prettier one" grace almost blushed at that, she had always struggled with compliments and had no idea what to say other than an awkward thank you. Tony saved her however with his objections

"ill have to disagree there. Have you seen how gorgeous my eyes are"

"we have the same eyes dad"

Loki huffed loudly , visibly irritated by Sylvies complement.

"be careful complimenting the Starks. It makes them even more insufferable" grace rolled her eyes and glared at him mouthing cunt to him when he caught her eye.

"tell me Sylvie, was he this much of a dickhead on Asgard too?"

"yes, though you mustnt take it personally, Loki hates everyone"

He hadnt meant to pry, truly. But she had left the door wide open and Loki was curious by nature. He found her room a strange place, piled high with books and pictures. It was rather messy he observed and there was an open moving box filled to the brim with seemingly unused notebooks in a range of different colours and sizes. Grace was nowhere to be found so he urged on walking through her living room and towards her bedroom. He knew it was wrong to be doing this but he just couldnt help it. He knew nothing about her, she was a mystery to him. She appeared to hate her father and the avengers yet stayed willingly. She had powers he never even seen and he was entirely convinced shed subconsciously lit a candle with her mind, as ridiculous as it sounds. He pushed open the door to her room and saw her, her back was almost fully turned away from him and she was staring intensely at a ball of fire. She was holding fire in her hands that she must have summoned. Loki nearly stumbled back in shock and all but ran away from her rooms.

The dragon had returned, and it was Grace Stark

[justcallmedust]

Maybe one day someone will read this that isnt a bot.

I am experiencing numbness in my face, on the right side, from my eye and behind it all the way down my cheek to the right nostril, corner of my mouth down to the jaw. This has been happening for a few months now. The toes on my right foot are also experiencing random numbness, only the smaller 3 tho.

I know these things could be associated with the Epstein Barr, Hypothyroidism or even the Lupus. I can't see a doctor about it so I wont every know for sure but its concerning because my father has diabetes and he experiences foot numbness also.

Yesterday the invitation for my youngest brother in law's wedding came and along with it was an invite to a bridal shower. When I saw it I felt my throat begin to close, I had to stop what I was doing and sit down because vertigo was right behind me. Once i regained control of myself, my first instinct was to tear them both up. I mean, theres no way I could possibly go to either of these things. The cost alone for nice clothing for 6 people would exceed a mortgage payment.. like how could we even? But its so much more than that.

I absolutely hate weddings, I think it is the most ridiculous and uneccesary thing people waste time and money on. I never would have gotten married myself if it werent for all the shit we went through with the custody battle between ourselves and my step-sons grandparents. NONE of which was even worth it, we should have just walked away - everything would be different now. But thats moot. Had that whole shit show not happened I would not be married right now, because it was, and is an outdated and useless tradition.

But its more than that too; I had no bridal shower, didnt receive any gifts.. I didnt even invite anyone to our wedding and it stands firm as one of the worst days of my life - and not just because I got married - it was an actual shit show of a day. We got married in the apartment we lived in at the time on one of the hottest days of that year, it was over 100 degrees and the cake my mother in law brought with her melted before we even said I do. I didnt even want a wedding, I wanted to sign the paper and just call it a day because it meant nothing to me. My mother in law happened to be ordained to perform marriages and instead of just signing that stupid paper she had to bring a wedding to my house. Only one of my friends came because I needed a witness to also sign the paper so I only invited her - we don't even talk anymore, she ghosted me about 10 years ago. Thanks for that btw KS. Right after we said I do, the snotty teenager shouted "what the heck was that" and I will never forget the sound of his winey little shit voice. Some of the local riff raff came over and it eventualy turned into a not nice party. The husband was shitfaced and eventually became abusive once everyone left and then passed out on the living room floor angry with me - as usual. No one that was there is part of our lives anymore, aside from his mother and my parents.. and our kids of course.

I have gone through phases where I wished I could have had a nice wedding with someone I loved surrounded by loved ones, but now I know I've run out of time for that. In the years that passed I attended the wedding of a friend I still am in contact with.. tho I never contact her because she's a lot and I burnt out on our friendship years ago. But I care about her and I just leave it where it is.. but the wedding was highly triggery and I knew then that I could not put myself through that again. Maybe if one of my kids gets married.. I dunno. All I do know is, I cannot handle the mental olypics I need to do to be ok at an even like this. So many things and emotions running through my head, I simply don't belong there. Also, at some point I will no longer be family to them and they wont even want the memory or pictures of me there ruining their happy day. I cant even smile with this mouth full of broken teeth..

I don't care if they hate me or if everyone thinks I'm wrong for not going. I can't do it.

[kcrossvine-art]

whats crackling? whats snackling? in the near future, possibly YOU! This next one might be good for those of yall who dont have big kitchens. Today on our cooking review revue is Golden Hill pears from the Redwall Cookbook- 

(for crackling and snackling purposes you can find the original recipe at the bottom to follow along)-

MY NAMES CROSS NOW LETS COOK LIKE ANIMALS

SO, “what goes in to Golden Hill Pears?” YOU MIGHT ASK

sugar

water

4 medium pears (peeled, halved, cored)

ground allspice

As you can guess by the ingredients, golden hill pears are just caramelized pears. Am a huge fuckin fan of caramelized stone fruits- peaches, pears, plums,- but contrary to my normal method of using an oven to achieve the desired syrupy goodness, this recipe calls only for a little sauce-pot and lid! 

AND, “what does Golden Hill Pears taste like?” YOU MIGHT ASK

If you've had caramelized fruit before you'll get the gist, however, these are on the higher end in terms of taste 100%

The allspice is such a brush of warmth and comfort

Tastes like cuddling the person you love in front of the fire

Caramel taste is even throughout

Would be so so so good paired with a nice pulled pork stew

And warm apple cider would be perfectionx2

A fulfilling end to a fall season that passed too fast

. Where pear halves called for, strained and used canned pear slices (0% added juice) . Where sugar called for, used fine granulated sugar . Tripled cooking time for initial caramelization

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Go fucking hogwild with the allspice honestly, i used about 2 soup-spoonfuls of it and couldve still probably done more. its up to personal preference but its damn good.

Also; cooked way more evenly than youd think. Once the initial caramelization was done each 'batch' of pears cooked pretty quick.

SO, it took me about 3 tries to get this right as the book describes itself. My first mistake was letting it get to a golden brown color, as the book says you should, because by the time the sugar and water is that color alone in the pan, it is already way too late and is going to burn by the time you add the pears in. You need to add the pears in a bit earlier than whats going to feel right- when the mixture becomes a strong yellow-ish color id say?

The second time, because the first try had burnt, i tried lowering the heat/going against the books advice and stirring throughout. In all previous times ive caramelized something it was good to get some motion in there, so i figured if it burnt before maybe the issue was too much heat and no movement. This didnt work. This instead somehow created massive sugar crystals which over the period of about 30 seconds (once reaching temp and adding to the pan) quickly hardened and had to be chipped away until it broke off the spoon and the pot. Im not a scientist i have no fucking idea.

It mightve tasted good and been a cool cake topper but at this point we were 40 minutes in with no delicious pears so we werent wasting time with tasters.

Third attempt; corrected from previous mistakes. Watched the saucepot like a fuckin HAWK, didnt stir or disturb the pan, had it on medium heat for about 21 minutes until it started turning yellow, added the pears and allspice in immediately, covered and simmered it. I had 2 cans of pears that i strained and patted dry of excess fluid, so with 2 seperate batches for the one pot. I think the second batch came out richer but there wasnt too much a difference. Both came out lovely to eat with the syrup drizzled over top.

All in all, from deciding to make them to having them in my belly, and subtracting failed attempts, id estimate it took about 30 minutes? It would be longer if you prepared the pears yourselves, along with the cooktime for them probably, but its not neccesary for this recipe.

It tastes fuckin good and would be excellent in living situation where all you have available is a portable hot-top. I could see myself making it again now that i know what visual cues to look for.

I give this recipe a solid 8/10 (with 1 being food that makes one physically sick and 10 being food that gives one a lust for life again.)

🐁 ORIGINAL RESIPPY TEXT BELOW 🐁

Ingredients:

3 tablespoons sugar

4 medium pears, peeled, halved lengthwise and cored

Generous pinch ground allspice

Method:

Put the sugar in the bottom of a heavy saucepan and sprinkle 2 tablespoons of water over it. Cook over medium heat without stirring until the mixture reaches a golden brown caramel, about 7 minutes. (Swirl the pan if the caramel colors unevenly).

Standing back, pour in 1/4 cup of water, taking care as it will spit.

Add the pears and allspice to the pan, cover and simmer until the pears are tender, 10 to 15 minutes.

Use a slotted spoon to transfer the pears to a serving dish. Raise the heat and boil the syrup vigourously for 1 minute.

Pour the syrup over the pears and serve immediately, or let cool and then chill before serving.

[smutophile]

Crime & Punishment (Steve Rogers x Reader)

Summary: Your CEO catches you in the office late at night watching naughty videos and decides to show you just how naughty girls are punished.

Warnings: Dub con, spanking, masturbation

Word count: 3k

You sat at your desk and watched the sun start to set on another dreary New York Friday. The rest of the staff on your level had left almost over an hour ago but you had agreed to be the one to stay behind to assist the West Coast should any problems arise. The pro was getting to start work later but the obvious con was sitting alone in an office building late at night whilst the rest of your co-workers started their weekend.

It didn't bother you so much. You lived alone - you worked alone. You were used to being alone. The night shift in the office was quiet. California very rarely ever called you with problems at this time of night. It was peaceful. You’d do what you always do when you had quiet time. You pulled out your phone and escaped into your fantasy world that would always stay just that - a fantasy.

You read your dirty stories, your smut. You looked around to make sure you really were alone. Nobody wandered down to your level at this time of night. You hadn’t seen your boss in weeks - he only showed up when something was wrong so the less you saw of him the better. Although - he wasn’t so hard on the eyes. Steve Rogers - CEO. Young for a CEO but such a babe. Strong muscular build with a beard that just screams daddy. It was no wonder when you read your stories, the dark mysterious man always morphed into a familiar face in your mind. The things you would love that man to do to you.

Lost in your daydream you kept scrolling, not paying attention to the world around you. Lost in your own fantasies. You failed to notice footsteps approaching your desk. Failed to notice the figure looming behind you. Watching as you scrolled through videos of naughty schoolgirls having their bottoms turned a nice shade of pink.

“You know - watching porn on work time is punishable by immediate termination”

The boding voice made you jump out of your seat, your phone falling out of your hands and straight to Mr Rogers’ feet.

“I didnt..I wasn’t...i’m sorry” You stuttered...desperately trying to grab the phone from the ground and stop the video that was playing. It was too late. Your boss had the phone in his hands and could see all too well what you had been doing.

“Are you going to try to tell me this was an accident? You just stumbled across this website and accidentally watched this video?” He spoke so smoothly with a smirk adorning his face.

You were silent. What could you say? You had just been caught red handed by the very person you had been fantasizing about.

He turned your phone off and placed it on the desk next to you. You kept your eyes down and twisted your fingers in your hands. You stared at the ground and prayed that the floor would open up and swallow you whole. This was the most humiliating moment of your life. It couldn't get any worse.

“I could fire you…” He paused. Another smirk lining his face. “Or we could come up with another punishment to fit the crime”

“Anything...please. I need this job” Your voice was shaky. But you were confident. If he was willing to give you another chance you would take it.

“Oh sweetheart, you shouldn't go making deals with the devil. You are bound to get burnt”

He closed the gap between you and lifted your chin to meet his eyes.

“Bend over the desk”

You hesitated. Had you heard him correctly? He couldn't be serious. You searched his eyes to see if he was joking.

“Or you can pack your things and leave and never return. Which will it be?”

He crossed his arms. His face was hard to read. This man was strong and intimidating but this was coercion. Was he really capable of this?

The fear was evident in your body language but deep down there was a part of you that was secretly excited by the prospect of what was to come.

You moved slowly but efficiently. You laid your body over the desk and stretched your arms out in front of you. You could no longer see Steve but you could feel him. He ran his fingers down your spine. Your body was scared - the hairs on your arms standing up. But your mind - your mind was racing with all the possibilities of what was about to happen.

Steve placed his hands at the base of your skirt and lifted it slowly to reveal your white cotton panties. Your cheeks reddened with embarrassment. Of course you hadn't thought to put on sexy lacy underwear. Nobody would see them. He rolled the skirt all the way up to your waist and left it there with your ass on display.

“Hmmmm - what to do with you?” He questioned. You’d never heard him so satisfied. You only ever heard him barking orders or demanding answers. This was a completely different voice. A voice which quite literally sent shivers down your spine.

“Have you ever been spanked before?” You could hear him rolling up the sleeves on his dress shirt. Running his fingers over your underwear.

“No” You shook your head. You had imagined it in your head over and over again but you could never voice your fantasies out loud.

He quickly pulled your ponytail sharply - snapping your head up off the desk.

“No - what?” He spoke forcibly. Now your body was terrified. Your legs shaking and sweat started forming on your forehead.

“No...sir?” You phrased it as more of a question than a statement. Not sure exactly what he was looking for but desperate to please him.

He released your hair and gently pushed your face back down onto the desk. Apparently that was the right answer.

“I think ten smacks with my hand will be a good start. You don’t need to count”

He walked around to the side to give himself the room that he needed. Your heart was beating so fast and so loud you were almost certain he could hear it.

The first smack took you by surprise. A lard thud on your right butt cheek. The surprise of the hit shocked you more than the pain did. It wasn't so bad. You could take 10 of these. Especially with your underwear on to protect you. You were at least grateful for that small mercy.

He didn't wait very long for the next smack. This one hurt a little more. You let out the breath you had been holding but still didn't speak a word. You tried hard to keep your mouth closed throughout the next few hits but the pain was increasing. His delicate hands crashing down on your ass in quick succession alternating from left to right. You could feel tears filling in your eyes. From pain or humiliation you weren't sure.

At about smack number 5 you let out your first yelp. What you thought would come out as a cry of pain sounded more like a moan of pleasure. The spanking hurt and Steve was not holding back. He barely waited between each hit and showed no sign of slowing down. You were not enjoying this. You couldn't. This was supposed to hurt but you felt your body betraying you. Or was your mind betraying your body?

At smack number 10 you finally let the tears spill over from your eyes but still keeping your mouth closed. It quivered but you wouldn't dare speak or let him hear you. You could feel him rub his hand over your bottom in a surprising show of kindness. He gently ran his hand up your back and flicked the hair out of your face and to one side.

“That's a good girl. Take a deep breath for me now” His words were like music to your ears. You had no idea how much you wanted to please him. How much you wanted him to be happy with you. You followed his instructions and took a big gulp of air. You kept your body laying over the desk - too scared to move or do anything that could upset him.

“You did so well for your first time. Lets see if you liked what I did to you”

Your tears were almost gone now. Your shock and fear were replaced by a whole new range of emotions. Excitement...lust.

He dipped his fingers into your panties and dragged them down to your feet. He helped you lift up to your feet one by one and placed the panties in his pocket. He kicked your feet apart and forced your body to spread itself on display.

“Oh my - you certainly did enjoy your spanking”

You buried your face into the desk and curled your fingers in embarrassment. You wanted to tell yourself you didn't enjoy what he was doing to you. The pain was intense but you couldn't hide the juices leaking out of your pussy and graciously down your thighs. You were beyond wet. You were dripping.

Steve ran a finger through your slit and the moan that escaped your lips could not be controlled. He held his glistening fingers up to the light and inspected your arousal.

Your body was on fire. The spanking had left your behind burning but your pussy was throbbing. Your clit felt electric and you tried desperately to get the much needed friction on it to give you a spark.

Steve could see you rubbing your cunt against the desk desperately like a dog on heat. You were past the point of caring now. Humiliation had taken a back seat now and the driver was your absolute need to orgasm. There was no other thought - you had never needed to get off more than at this very moment.

Steve dipped his fingers back to your slit and ran them up towards your clit eliciting yet another guttural moan from your lips. His touch felt like a live wire had just been connected to your pussy and you were being electrocuted.

He removed his finger after just a brush against your clit and watched you try desperately for more. More friction...more anything. You needed more.

“Get up on the desk. On your hands and knees” He ordered. That was the voice you were used to. The one that always got what he wanted. Nobody questioned him when he demanded something and this wasn’t a question. It was an order. Who were you to disobey?

You complied instantaneously. Keeping your head forward and lifting your body up onto the table on full display for Steve to see. He pushed your shoulders down so that you were on your elbows but still keeping your ass in the air. Your body shivered in anticipation.

You could still feel the heat on your ass from your spanking. It felt as though welts might appear in the shape of his hand prints. That thought got you even more excited. A temporary reminder of what had happened tonight. That this was real.

Steve placed an object in your hand. It was small - cylindrical shaped. Almost like a tube of lipstick. Except - he flicked a switch on the object and you instantly knew what this was. The vibrations ran all down your arm. It was tiny but powerful. A bullet vibrator. He had this in his pocket? You’d have to come back to that thought later. Right now all you knew is that you were naked from the waist down, horny as fuck and you had a vibrator in your hands.

“I want to see you cum” He stated matter of factly. How you wished you could see his face right now. But then again, your boss is looking at your ass and pussy on full display right now. Maybe not being able to look him in the eyes is a good thing.

You took the bullet in your hand and slipped it straight down to your clit. The sensation made you jolt immediately and almost threw you off balance. Steve was still there, his hands on your hips instantaneously to steady you. You got back to work and placed the vibrator back on that sensitive bundle of nerves. It wouldn’t take long for you to get off like this. It would be embarrassingly quick.

SMACK. You heard the smack before you felt the familiar burn of the hit on your ass.

“Ow...fuck” You were not prepared for that. Of course he wasn't going to make this easy for you. Your hand holding the vibrator had slipped back onto the desk to steady yourself from the new onslaught.

“Put that back on your clit now” His voice was low but menacing. Your need to please him...to obey him was back. Your body quickly following his command before your brain could even comprehend what you were doing.

The sting from his hit had faded slightly but the burn remained. The fire was spreading to your cunt and whilst the spanking had put a small delay in your orgasm, it still wouldn't take long. The fight between pain and pleasure in your mind was confusing but pleasure was winning. It always would.

“9 more smacks and then you can cum. Don’t you dare cum before i’ve hit you 10 times” That made things a little more complicated. His voice was threatening. You couldn’t let him down. Not now.

You placed the bullet back on your clit and your body shook with excitement. You were more prepared for the next hit but you were not prepared for the reaction your body would have to the pain. As if on cue, you could feel that familiar sensation in your body. Your orgasm was quickly building. The next two hits came in quick succession. Your legs started to quiver. Your head started to shake back and forth. No no no no. It was happening too fast.

He kept spanking, switching between each butt cheek and alternating where he hit. You barely noticed the pain - instead focusing on how many slaps were landing on your sore behind.

“Please...PLEASE…” You were begging. Desperately. That was the only word you could say right now. Unable to form sentences. Your brain was unable to function right now as your pussy was in charge and nothing else in the world mattered. The sensation had moved from your belly down to your clit and was going to explode any second now. You counted. Nine...Ten...and then - nothing. You were floating...as if there was nothing around you. No desk...no office...just darkness. And then as if you had fallen straight back to earth - your orgasm ripped into you. The feeling took over you as if you had been hit by a freight train. Your body shook with the intensity of your orgasm and your pussy clenched in on itself as it rode out the shockwaves with the rest of your body.

You dropped the bullet onto the desk and curled yourself into a ball. Your body still shaking from the aftershock of the most intense orgasm you had ever had in your life. Your breathing was staggered...almost to the point of hyperventilating. ‘As your senses slowly started coming back to you, you could feel Steve’s hands rubbing your ass. Smoothing away the pain.

The reality of what you had just done was starting to sink in. An overwhelming sense of dread taking over your body. Your body was now choosing between fight and flight and running away seemed like the best option right now. You snapped your head up to look at the culprit behind these feelings and your body followed quickly after. You stood up off the desk and peeled your skirt back down to give yourself a tiny bit of dignity back.

You slammed your laptop shut and slid it straight into your bag. You grabbed your phone and handbag and swung around to get out of here as quickly as possible.

“Hey hey hey...wait…” His voice was calm, soothing almost. His arms out as they tried to stop you from your escape. Trying to placate you and reason with you. You were beyond reasoning right now.

The tears were back and you could feel a sob building in the back of your throat.

“I can’t….I have to go” You managed to squeak out without sobbing. You started to head for the elevator before his hands were on you again.

“Please...just stop. Let’s talk about this” He was always the voice of reason. A smart business man like him...he knew how to get his way.

“No...i just...I have to go” Your quivering lip giving away your emotion that you were trying to keep bubbled inside of you. You swerved from his grasp and pressed the button on the elevator. He kept his distance from you sensing your fear. You got in and pressed the button for the lobby and kept your head down. Not able to look at him. You didn't want to see his face. His pity. You just needed to get out.

Your trip home was a blur. Somehow you put one foot in front of the other and found yourself in your apartment. Alone. Confused. Angry. A shower would wash away the shame that was enveloping your body. You stripped away your clothes only vaguely registering the fact that you were still missing your underwear.

Once the steam had started to rise from the shower indicating that the water was indeed scolding hot - you slowly placed your head under the spray and let the cascade wash away your tears. You ran your hands through your hair and ran it down your body until they landed on your butt. There was that reminder. That physical painful reminder of the shameful slutty act you had done. The guilt washed over you like a slap in the face.

You allowed yourself to be spanked...by your boss and you masturbated yourself to a mind blowing orgasm...in front of your boss. You consented to this. When you allowed yourself time to think about the severity of what you had done you realized with absolute certainty that you had enjoyed it. You loved it. You craved it. It was everything you had ever wanted and more.

After an eternity, you left the sanctum of your shower and dressed in your pajamas. You grabbed your phone and switched it back on. Nobody would be looking for you. There would be no messages. Except there was. A few missed calls and a text. From an unknown number.

Please let me know that you got home ok.

Your fingers hovered over the phone. Before you could reply a calendar invite popped up.

Meeting. 8pm. Monday night. Steve Rogers office.

Accept or Decline?

[xiaosmoon]

what tattoos they would have.

feat. childe, diluc, & kaeya.

warnings: none.

childe.

- i imagine him to be the type with a bunch of tattoos littered all over him in a modern au. but realistically? i could see him having a tattoo on his lower left side abdomen. it would be blank inked of his harbinger mask.

- he wouldn't ever show off his tattoo to you intentionally; mostly because he forgets it's even there. it's on the opposite side of his lil peep hole so you would probably never see it unless he's walking around shirtless.

- childe probably doesn't even remember why he got it in the first place. it's not like he's proud of being a harbinger, even though he uses his title to his advantage all the time. ("i am the 11th of the fatui harbingers. that's why. now go, fetch me something to eat.") more so a symbol of who he is. and that he shouldn't forget what he's done to get that position.

- the first time you see the tattoo you're a bit taken back and confused. why get a tattoo of his mask?

the both of you rarely get time to yourselves. with childe always on fatui business and you caught up in your own work, lounging around the house and doing absolutely nothing was a luxury. you were in the kitchen cooking up a lovely meal for childe and yourself. too focusing on deciding which seasoning you should use, the arms that were slowing making their way around your body surprised you. "hello." you smiled, adding paprika to your pot. childe had just gotten out of the shower and his head was resting on your shoulder, wet hair brushing against the crook of your neck. "ugh childe, you're wet." you wiggle out of his embrace and turn around to meet his figure.

"what are you cooking? smells delicious." childe peers into the pot behind you.

your cheeks heated up at the sight of him. shirtless. you were new to this relationship and this was your first ever time seeing him shirtless. you were quite afraid to speak, scared that your words would come out as a jumbled mess.

he looked beautiful like this. wet hair, bright blue eyes, built arms, and- wait. is that a tattoo? making it obvious that you were staring, childe flicked ur head playfully. "like what you see?" you roll your eyes at the cliche saying and turn back to your cooking.

"i like your tattoo." childe smiles at your comment and hops up on the counter next to you. "i got it a few months ago. i honestly forget it's still there sometimes."

"maybe i should get one and we can match!"

"absolutely not."

diluc.

- this man would absolutely have a tattoo of a bird and no one can tell me otherwise. i can see him going for more of a minimal look and would have one on his upper back. it would be a small bird, nothing too noticeable.

- like childe, diluc wouldn't show off his tattoo but for different reasons. partially because he regrets getting it.

- he also tends to forget about it because he can't see it.

- the first time you see his tattoo would be when you both hit the beach.

it was a very hot summer day, so what a better to do than spend it at the beach with your boyfriend? convincing diluc to come with you was no easy task. this man can physically not vacation. even to mention a vacation would send him into panic. "a vacation? now? but there's so much to do; i couldn't possibly pack up and leave. who's going to manage the orders coming in next week? and what about-"

yeah you get the idea.

but when eventually you were able to convince him, diluc was all in. and at the beach there was no way he would wear his daily attire. a heavy coat and covered head to toe? absolutely not. he was laying down next to you in nothing but a pair of swim shorts and you couldn't deny you enjoyed the view. it was rare for you to see diluc without heavy clothing and you definitely wouldn't mind seeing him like this more.

"diluc, do you want me to put sunscreen on you? i'm scared you're going to fry." you ask in a teasing manner. diluc smiles up at you sits up more. "it's alright dear i can do it myself. thank you for reminding me, i'm afraid i really would fry." with his pale ass i wouldn't let him go an hour without reapplying.

rubbing sunscreen all over himself, diluc meets a issue; not being able to get his back. "dear, would you mind?" his sheepish smile tells you what he needs. you motion him to turn his back to you and that's when you see it, his beautiful bird tattoo. you squirt some sunscreen into your hand and immediately start at the tattooed area. "i didnt know you had a tattoo." "hm? oh, i forgot about that thing."

you smile and continue rubbing until you're done. "it's pretty." diluc blushes a little at the comment. "thank you. now turn around, let me get your back."

kaeya.

- this man. this lovely man. if anyone would have a tattoo it would be him. and he wouldn't just have one, no, he would have two. one on the inner upper side of his left forearm, your birthday in roman numerals. the second one right on his boob (couldn't decide which one) of a pavo ocellus constellation and it would be very beautiful.

- i don't know why he got the pavo ocellus one, but he got the one of your birthday cause he loves you and says it's the "best day in the world." he would totally surprise you with it.

- i feel like kaeya is the type to have a meaningful tattoos and would also flaunt them.

- he'll be at the tavern taking to his drinking buddies and just bring up his tattoos. "hey did i ever tell you i got y/n's birthday tattooed on my arm? yeah! look!"

it was the day after your birthday and you were exhausted. amber threw a huge surprise party for you at angel's share and you were dancing and drinking all night, leaving you burnt out the next day.

jean allowed you the day off so you spent it at home, relaxing and writing thank you cards to everyone who brought you gifts. kaeya's gift to you was the prettiest of them all. a beautiful necklace with your favorite flower on it, made of pure diamonds. you weren't one for expensive jewelry but the one who gifted it to you made it worth it.

kaeya came home that evening with the dorkiest smile on his face. his usual sly and flirty demeanor was not present. "y/n, guess whattttt" he dragged out his words plopping next to you on the couch. you were a bit worried, you've never seen kaeya have the expression of a happy child who looks like they just bought all of the candy in the candy shop. "what is it?" you raise a brow at him. he throws out his arm in front of you quickly, making you flinch a bit. it takes a moment for you to see what he was showing you but oh my, what a beautiful tattoo.

it was your birthday. you look back up at him and smile. "that's very cute of you kae. looks like i'll just have to get your birthday on me too!"

his flirty dark smile makes its appearance again. "can i choose where?"

"no."

[mxbitters]

this is gonna get really personal and possibly more of a vent than mcrposting but now that the shows over i can actually think about it and like. god idk i think fake your death was a song that really meant a lot to me at a time when i really needed it.  it was one of the first songs i taught myself on guitar when i started playing and i could tell myself that, that it wasn’t anyone else who did that but it was me.  and so like, ok i went to this arts high school.  idea is they had these different departments, and so like my first year i went in and decided ok.  music department.  so there were these like.. “auditions” but like you were guaranteed to land somewhere y’know?  but i remember clear as yesterday six years ago i was 14 and fucking miserable with no way of understanding why that was, i was probably wearing this teal and black flannel i had and i was also probably wearing a beanie and fucking hated my hair which was still long at the time.  and i remember like shaking while tuning my guitar and i remember saying what i was gonna play to these maybe two teachers, head of the department didnt even bother showing up, and im sitting there in that uncomfortable plastic chair and they start recording and i start playing.  intro, first half of verse, im not singing but im feeling somewhat more comfortable and start to get into some sort of more involved strumming thing and they just cut me off before i could show them that thing i worked so hard and cared so much about.  and i remember how that moment kicked off a miserable year for me, getting burnt out so fast fingers bleeding from this classical fucking guitarist absolutely drilling in this idea that it was bad if i wanted to play anything with a pick.  and i felt gross and i didn’t understand shit and i remember snapping pick after pick in half from the anxiety and the downward spiral that followed.  and i could barely tell you what i actually remember from that year until some point in may when i came out as trans, maybe around the same time that i started the process of leaving the music department.  and i remember having a lot of trouble playing guitar because of the amount of kids who’d shit on me for writing stuff that was emo.  i think i spent those two semesters and maybe the next year too barely listening to mcr at all because i was embarrassed and ashamed from the way people would shut down that drive, that passion.  but then i remember my drive coming back a little.  i remember having this class in my junior year that was like some school of rock shit, i got to play in a band for the first time and not some stupid thing.  we brought in music we liked and wanted to play.  i brought in against me!’s “borne on the fm waves of the heart” and i remember the way it felt being able to like.. do that.  like that feeling of floating on air that i hadn’t felt ever since that time i started opening up playing fake your death for something i’d end up regretting.  i remember playing up on this mini stage thing at this all-day event we used to have called “peacefest.”  i remember playing with a pick and shout-singing like my life depended on it and i remember seeing that former guitar teacher walk by hiding his face, and i don’t know if it was out of shame or disgust but it was cathartic to see it.  that he failed and didn’t break me, even if that was the last thing on his mind.  i still have the converse i had to fill in with black sharpie because it was “too unprofessional” for a fucking high school performance.  i also still have the footstand he let me use for that performance because it was more important that i was uniform than anything else.  and he’s never getting that fucking footstand back.  and i remember that summer i think i finally picked up my own guitar and played fake your death.  a little different, acoustic, keeping my pinkie on that g the majority of the time and letting the song carry me.  it felt like meeting an old friend.  an old friend who waited for me even when things got scary and i didn’t know what to do.  and like.. i dunno.  i never really thought they’d actually get back together and i was starting to truly accept that but then one day everything changed and it was history.  

i think i’ve been at a low point for a bit now, and college has created this mindset where playing music=burden so i’ve been uninspired and sort of restraining myself alongside the depression but like.. man.  maybe it’s time to pick up my guitar again.  i think fake your death is one of those songs that means one thing at one point in your life and another like.. in another.  and i think that was honestly probably the same case for mcr y’know..?  and like.. idk.  maybe while i’m at it i’ll dig through the vaults aka try and find lyrics, poetry, recordings, whatever.  like..  man.  i just keep forgetting how magical music is but tonight was fucking magical and i want to feel that regularly.  i want the sparks to fucking fly i want to scream i want to play i want to let that poor 14 year old with the nerd glasses and the jack skellington beanie play the same 4 chords in varying ways for 3 whole minutes and hold their hand and tell them it’s gonna be ok.  like i think i really need to do that.  anyway ok goodnight

[yoshkeii]

"𝙰 𝚜𝚑𝚢 𝚌𝚛𝚞𝚜𝚑"

࿐ character(s): Ushijima Wakatoshi, Daichi Sawamura, Kuroo Tetsurou

࿐ genre: sfw, soft/fluff, comfort, tiny angst if you squint

࿐ type: headcanons (hcs)? / imagine

࿐ requested by: @dumpsterfireinc 

⌦  shymale!reader (he/him)

⌦ ‘if I can request comfort hcs for Ushijima, Daichi, Kuroo, and Oikawa who have a crush on as shy male!reader who thinks the boys should be with a girl and not him.’

A/N: i had to drop oikawa on this one since i cant seem to get his personality out?? i- uh-. i apologize- also my way of writing hcs is weird? idk why i like writing like that, but eventually they’ll shift- somehow- (i’ll probably make a proper hcs post if you want-)

1-16-2021: sorry in advanced if this took waaay to long. im doubting my writings. kinda shit but im just burnt out.

𝚄𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚓𝚒𝚖𝚊:

❀ Ushijima had a crush on you. of course he would, someone so soft, gentle, and shy. he actually found it cute you having those aspects. even though not a lot of people would enjoy such an introverted person at times.

❀ being shy would fit well together with his own personality generally. like being stoic and quiet himself. at some points he genuinely thought you and him were perfect. just two puzzle pieces that could fit together.

❀ he doesn’t know when he had a crush on you till Tendou or someone would bring it up. cause he always somehow had his eyes on you in the halls, classes, etc. 

❀ adding on to his personality, he is very blunt and straightforward with his words. and when you heard those three words from the intimidating captain. made your heart skip a beat, muscles tense, and mind race.

❀ “..y-you.. like me??” the softened tone in your voice echoed within the empty afterschool halls.

❀ “Yes. I just stated that.”

❀ “..I heard you.. you dummy..” you muttered the last words softly. fiddling with your fingers nervously, he always found you fidgeting with something whenever you were nervous or put on the spot. your gaze kept low.

❀ the silence only just settled. making Ushijima await another word from your smaller figure.

❀ but he didn’t expect those words to slip out of your mouth. he never did.

❀ “Why.. Why would you want to be with me.. instead.” your voice still kept your softened tone, but it had a faint hint of sadness. the slight wavering of your voice gave way.

❀ “..isn’t it better to be.. with a girl instead? t-they’re better options. pretty. talented. i-i don’t.. have any of those.”

❀ Ushijima just stared, unsure on what to do. no one told him this would be a scenario or a possibility. thought it was simply just a yes or no to a confession, something quick.

❀ “You also won’t l-look.. weird.. o-odd.. with-” your voice cracked, tears gathered in your eyes. quickly wiping them away with a sniff.

❀ “F-fuck I’m sorry.. for c-crying..” softly cursing as you nervously laughed.

❀ “y/n,” Ushijima lifted your head gently with his hand making sure your eyes looked up at him, “..I don’t care, if people will look at us weirdly. I don’t care if they all knew or not.”

❀ he wiped the tears dripping from your eyes as you stared at him with disbelief.

❀ “I like you. No- I love you. That’s that. I love y/n, and nothing will stop that.”

❀ shortly, tears poured from your eyes from his words. softly murmuring apologizes for crying over this accompanied w/ a smile on your face. Ushijima just wiping your tears away for you, seeing how your face just melts in his hand in comfort. regaining composure after a couple of reassurances from him.

❀ “I-I.. I love you.. t-too.. Wakatoshi..” 

𝙳𝚊𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚒:

❀ mans had a big crush on you ever since you both had multiple shared classes. especially same homeroom.

❀ Daichi and you had an decent relationship, it wasn’t as close like he has with Sugawara or Asahi. having the same homeroom, he always found you alone and minding your own business a desk or two behind him in the back.

❀ sometimes exchanging the simple hellos and small talk whenever Suga and/or Asahi dared him to. knowing how his eyes occasionally drifts towards your direction of the room.

❀ for someone so quiet.. he didn’t know it could be a cute feature. an adorable one if he would say so himself. just seems too s o f t .

❀ your gentle voice always made his heart skip a beat, it was so calming. a remedy to his ears. after a few small talks and interactions, you both managed to hang out a little more often. being invited on study dates sessions since you were also pretty smart in the academics (brownie points!) 

❀ as of right now, his eyes were simply glued on you. just watching you talk about whatever subject. he really wasn’t paying attention... or at all. admiring your features from across the small table on the floor that was littered with notebooks, textbooks, papers and pens.

❀ he knew you were shy so he often kept things low and safe for you whenever you both hung out once in awhile. sometimes exchanging little sticky notes with each other to limit talking.

❀ once he confessed to you, through the last sticky note of his. not a manly way to really confess but he couldn’t figure anything else out for you. didnt want to scare you away.

❀ you stared up at the captain in slight doubt, going back to the note to reread the words written. ‘would you like to go out with me?’ tiny hearts here and there on the note.

❀ looking back up at him, you noticed the slight blush across his face. you realized he was serious.

❀ “..why would you want to go out with me?” your grip on the note slightly tightened, as thoughts began to flood your mind. “wouldn’t it be better- be better with a girl?? a-and.. not me.” you began to slip on your words, gaze slipping down to avoid his eyes as you noticed him looking up at you now.

❀ “..with.. a girl?” Daichi mustered out.

❀ “or.. anyone but... me. I’m not.. popular. I’m not.. p-pretty, c-cute.. handsome.. s-smart either...”  you began to ramble, negative thoughts after another.

❀ “H-hey y/n. y/n..!” Daichi was closer to you now, his hands on your shoulders hoping to get you out of your negative trance.

❀ it successfully worked, making you stop but your gaze still remain low. hearing a sigh from Daichi made you tensed, you liked him too. you loved him. but you don’t know if it was best for him to date you. or be in a relationship in that matter.

❀ Daichi wrapped his arms around you, “Don’t be so harsh to yourself. I denied most of the confessions... j-just.. to ask you out one day you know. I’m confident I want you more than any girl.” he muttered.

❀ noticing you relaxing in his arms made him slightly smile, feeling you hug back. your hands grasping the back of his gakuran, mustering the urge to cry you hid your face on his shoulders. eventually muffling out your soft sobs and various ‘i love you too’

𝙺𝚞𝚛𝚘𝚘:

𝚊/𝚗: 𝚐𝚘𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚐𝚒𝚏 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚖𝚎 𝚚𝚞𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐.

❀ it was obvious Kuroo was crushing on someone. and that someone was you. being one of the assistances, or at this point the team would’ve eventually called you their manager. often there to aid and help whenever needed so you stumbled by the gym many times to either drop something off for one of the members or coaches.

❀ always teasing and flirting with you, which wasn’t such an out-of-character of him. knowing him to be the master of provocation. but often when you weren’t there, he would start talking about you. unconsciously sometimes.

❀ which gave a big sign of his feelings, especially through Kenma. it wasn’t so hard to see, but you were dense and oblivious over it.

❀ he knew you liked him back eventually, seeing how you haven’t turned him down with any of his teases accompanied with the slight blush on your face each time. you were just too shy to say anything about it.

❀ he was aware that you were very shy and introverted. always seeing you staying back or infront of crowds in the hallway and avoided them at all costs. being observant he took note of it.

❀ always managing to catch you away from people or just a little people in the area, he used that time to talk to you more privately.

❀ you both began to get to know each other pretty well each time.

❀ exchanging interests and moments you’ve had in your life. often making you giggle at his silly retorts and remarks, funny moments of his teams and others. he was genuinely seeing a new side of you.

❀ never really seeing you smile brightly and laugh without holding back. it felt surreal and a literal dream.

❀ “Hey, y/n, have you dated anyone yet?” Kuroo looked over at you, eyes staring in curiosity with his common sly smirk.

❀ “I-.. uhh.. n-not yet?” you nervously laughed, messing with the sleeve of your nekoma track jacket.

❀ “Well then.. do you have a crush?” he continued on. 

❀ “O-oh.. Ye-yeah! He probably won’t like me b-back though..” you murmured.

❀ “Wait- He!?”

❀ “H-hey,, Kuroo! Keep y-your voice down please..!!” you playfully punched his shoulder in return he faked an ‘ow’ “..b-but.. yes.. i like a guy.. h-he’s popular so i doubt he would like me b-back.” you looked up at him with a weak smile, hoping to not seemed phased by it.

❀ “Ahhh.. why’s that then.” his curious tone turned stern, tilting his head into his palm so it rested comfortably. “hmmm~?”

❀ “Oh.. w-well.. he’s popular with the girls.. a lot of them a-actually. I bet he l-likes them more than me.. girls are b-better for him anyways...”

❀ “What if they weren’t? He could be gay.. or bisexual... or pan and all that jazz y’know y/n?”

❀ “Thats true.. what about you kuroo-san?” you took a sip of water from your bottle aside of your thigh. 

❀ “I have a crush too of course. And its actually you.”

❀ you choked on the water, coughing out a reply, “w-wait you.. you like me.. me- back?!” you only looked at him with disbelief, coughing slightly still.

❀ Kuroo only laughed at your off-guard reaction, “K-kuroo!! I-it’s not funnyyy..!” you whined, covering your face with your jacket. “hhhh.. g-god damnit..”

❀ after a few moments it went silently, peeking your eyes out from your hidden position Kuroo pecked your forehead. Suddenly aside of you, entwining his hand with yours.

❀ “Of course I like you back~ I want you to be my boyfriend you softie.” 

[kwonhoshi0]

𝐢’𝐦 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 | h.c

navigation | requests : open | 2nd march 2021

pairing : bakugou x gn!reader

genre : angst, fluff

warnings : self harm, scars, may be triggering

request : hello :) i really love your writing, you’re very talented. would it be ok if i request a struggling/sh y/n x bakugou? only if that’s ok with you. have a good day/ night x

note :  im going to make this about bakugou finding out you used to self harm because i know you can get through this and when you do, you can come back here and be extremely proud of yourself just like bakugou is and just like i am.

quirk : telekinesis, when you overuse your quirk you get lightheaded and your nose bleeds

: you are all mights niece, you live with him

[ bakugou ]

> before you lived with all might you lived with your parents

> your mother died when you were young and so your dad remarried only for the woman he calls wife to be a manipulative hag

> one day when she was taking advantage of her authority when your dad wasn't home all might was visiting and he heard everything

> he didn't let it go lightly, he constantly checked up on you and told your dad but he had been broken for so long because of your mothers death that he was blinded

> all might realised that neither of them were fit to look after you so he took you in, he noticed your scars and marks and understood how much of a burden those small marks can be, its not the same but he has so many scars from overworking himself with one for all

> he got you the help you need and every week you'd have one day where you talk about all your worries and urges

> your urges slowly got easier to manage with time 

> it was because of him that you got out of that toxic household, thats when you realised that being hero doesn't mean physically saving people all the time

> mentally saving someone takes more work and all might had helped you do just that

> thats when you decided you wanted to save others too

> you got into UA through recommendations because of your connection to all might

> when you first got to know bakugou it was because you had to co-operate alongside eachother fighting a villain

> you were unstoppable together

> using your quirk you could throw him towards the villains and immediately immobilised them

> after that fight you talked laughing about the villains defeat

> you slowly felt yourself warming up to the boy and noticed he was warming up to you as well

-> when he asked you out

> the sun was setting and you and bakugou were walking to the dorms together

> for some reason he was a little quieter than usual and you decided to question him asking if he was alright

> ‘i uh, i like you..’

> of course you like him too but you’re worried about how he’ll react your scars

> ‘i..have uhm problems? that i dont want to put on you, it wouldnt be fair, i do like you too i really do but i dont expect you to uh-’

> ‘wait, y/n i don’t fuckin care about that, you're not a fuckin burden for having problems, whatever it is you can tell me when you want.. but i’m not going to stop likin you because of it, alright dumbass?’

> you nodded trying to hide the smile plastered on your face

> when he noticed your scars he didnt point them out he knew how wrong that would be

> you were all training in assigned pairs and you were against todoroki

> he had burnt the arm of your training suit off by accident, it didn’t hurt since it was from a distance which is the only time todoroki is allowed to use his flames during training

> when he noticed he decided to confront you about it in the most delicate way possible

> you knew this was going to happen some day but you also knew that he would support you no matter what

> so when you got back from training youre laying in his bed when he walks over to you and sits next to you

> he takes your arm and places small kisses along it before laying next to you and nuzzling his nose into your neck sighing

> ‘i’m proud of you, you don’t have to talk, but i need you to know i’m so fuckin proud of you’

> if you started tearing up he would’ve pulled you onto his chest and played with your hair explaining why hes proud of you for going through that and being here

taglist :

@todoroki-shoto-is-life @blazedbakugou @luluwiie @blue-gold-demigod-clouds @gazelle-des-pres @gaysimpsstuff

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary + slightly burnt snake secondary (bird model/performance)

Hi there! I’m a little nervous to send in this submission but I so grateful that you’re responding to people! Sorry in advance for being a bother, haha.

Burned Secondary. Calling it.

I’m a fae lion primary (freedom being the main internal compass) but I’m very confused about my secondary. I think its really burned or I’m just bad at figuring it out, because I didnt really vibe with any of the descriptions of the secondaries, whereas I took one look at the lion primary and knew that it was me pretty much instantaneously.

… doubling down on burnt secondary as a definite possibility.

I think I picked up a bird model when I was really young, though. I love learning and studying, but at some point I feel like you actually have to *do* something, and honestly find it frustrating to work with people who plan a lot.

Yeah, I don’t think you’re a Bird secondary.

In school people always assumed that I was this really academic person

Which is not the same thing as being a Bird, not even close.

but I really floundered in uni and ended up going to a program that allowed me some more freedom in dealing with issues, instead of being very by the book.

Oh excellent! You found a program that catered more to an improvisational style, love to hear it.

I think the reason I’m struggling with finding my secondary is that the bird model was what I used to get through school, and I find it hard to tell what’s underneath that sometimes. Especially as I really felt pigeonholed into being the “encyclopedia” of the friend group, even when it makes me miserable.

So it sounds like you’ve got some sort of Bird secondary *performance* that you dislike.

Every time I try to make a plan I end up going totally off-script anyways, to the point that most of my “plans” are just me saying very confidently that I totally have a plan.

I’ve noticed that in video games I tend to be the one that really likes to go hunting for alternate pathways and solutions, and I love being rewarded for being extra observant about an area or a place.

Love looking for unusual workarounds, incredibly observant and turned in to your environment? That sounds preeeetty Snake secondary.

I definitely have a bit of an obsession with exploring. But at the same time, I kind of hate using guides for stuff like that because I want to be the one to find it myself.

You’re not a Built secondary (Bird or Badger)

Part of the fun is that I dont have anyone helping me out.

I do think that freedom-loving Fae Lion primary is showing here.

One of the things I remember super fondly is the time that I was able to break into an in-game prison and then break out of it again just because I wanted to see how the game would react and what it would throw at me in the process. I was also more than willing to get in and out of the prison a few times just to see if there were any other ways to get in or out.

I think that “stir the pot just to see what will happen” is a very Snake Secondary trait.

I feel like a bad person for even saying it but I’m also scarily good at bullshitting. I’ve been told by people around me that I’m super insightful, when I’m almost always just making up as I go. I remember that one time a teacher told me I had written the most interesting interpretation of a piece of text he had seen, but in reality I was just going off of a gut feeling and a lot of “yeah, that sounds like I know what I’m talking about”.

And you didn’t vibe with the Snake secondary? Because this sounds like a Snake secondary. And there’s nothing to feel bad about, it’s just an alternate way of thinking.

… but the fact that you *DO* feel bad about it means that, yeah, it’s burnt.

I also remember that I got into a huge debate at school, and people were talking about how much of a good debater I was, but I was literally just able to sound *very* impassioned about a subject I knew nothing about. I remember having a lot of fun trying to counter what people were saying in the moment, and there was a sort of weird enjoyment in knowing that it was me that was making them agree, not the argument, if that makes any kind of sense.

Snakes don’t have to believe the mask the way Badgers do, and this is WAY too improvisational and off-the-cuff to be Actor Bird. And Lions, well. They aren’t ABLE to convincingly sound passionate about something they know nothing about. 

I’ve consistently been told that I’m a shit disturber (and proud).

Your secondary might be a little burnt, but that Lion Primary is doing JUST fine.

I think my best shit disturbing moment was when I realized that a friend of mine was lying about their beliefs, and pretty much managed to corner them into a place where they couldnt *not* admit it. I kind of feel bad about it because it sounds like I was being super manipulative, but I wasnt really doing it consciously so much as I was just watching the flow of the conversation and seeing that they were about to try and hand wave it away. I guess overall my way of dealing with new problems is to just say fuck it and let things happen the way that they need to, with the confidence that I can kind of just do what I need to in order to be successful. So to me, I feel like I’m either a snake who lost confidence in the method, or a lion that just likes arguing.

I am definitely, definitely seeing a [somewhat] Burnt Snake secondary here. And a really loud Lion Primary that colors things in a way that could definitely be confusing on your end.

Anyways, thank you so much for the help! Im so sorry that this is very stream of concious-y but I really appreciate it!

Seems all right to me :D