#which i am losing in jan but besides that.

[champagnesupernoel]

it's absolutely criminal ..

[my-deer-history]

Francis Kinloch in the Müller-Bonstetten letters (and others): Part 5

More translations, taken from various sources (here, here, here and here). The letters are to Bonstetten unless otherwise noted. Biographical details sourced from Kinloch of South Carolina.

13 May 1780

Because of Mr Kinloch, I am filled with joy and dread. Dread, because his city has been besieged by 10,000 men with a great deal of artillery; joy, because he has married a very amiable and wealthy woman*. I receive regular letters from his brother; his own are often lost due to the perils of war.

*Kinloch’s first wife was Mildred Walker, though it seems they were only married on 22 Feb 1781. She died in Nov 1784.

9 Sept 1780

Kinloch, after having performed bravely in various engagements, was wounded in the arm, whereupon South Carolina unanimously elected him as a delegate to the Continental Congress; he sits with his colleagues in Philadelphia, not very peacefully, I think.

11 Aug 1781

I spent two days sorting more than 500 letters that came from Geneva along with my books. Memories of Kinloch, Nassau, Bonnet, Tronchin, Boone, Knight, Sandys, Abbot sweetened the work

7 Dec 1782, to his mother

I have largely been happy with my life up until now: but almost never on the path that I intended to take. Twelve years ago, I wished to marry*, and to live in Schaffhausen on a few professorships; I then had various plans for England and Flanders; at one point, the greatest and best thing seemed to me to witness the blossoming and progress of a new free country with Kinloch, and the serve a free people in war and peace;

*Original annotation: The desire lasted only a few days.

January 1784

It is neither my place to compare myself with such writers nor to scorn what God has given me: but after almost losing many years of my early youth, the 33rd [year] is finally here, but in an occupation to which I was not suited, the 24th and 25th I spent with Kinloch, leaving me little time for my own studies of friendship and duty

9 Aug 1786

Nothing else has changed in my household, except that Mr Boone, Kinloch’s former guardian and governor of South Carolina, has sent his son here, and he is living with me; he does not take up any of my time, as I only see him at mealtimes; he is an amiable officer, who was also very popular at Aschaffenburg.*

*A town in Bavaria.

20 Feb 1801

In my letter writing, I had to ensure that there was also a reply to Kinloch in South Carolina. Do you remember the noble youth? Now he is a grandfather;* he lives happily besides and I have just read an excellent essay of his about the character of the revolution.**

*Kinloch’s daughter, Eliza Kinloch Nelson, gave birth to a son called Francis in 1800.

**From context, the French rather than American revolution. 

7 Jan 1803

Not enjoyable, as you can see, but rather tender in its sufferings and joys was the transition into my 52nd year. On that birthday I wrote to South Carolina, responding to two of Kinloch’s letters, full of spirit and love.

22 Oct 1803

I already wrote to you that Kinloch has arrived in Bordeaux and will soon be in Geneva; he wrote to me at once in such a brotherly way, rejoiced at the long-awaited reunion, and for a few days took me back to the charming dreams of my youth! I answered him immediately; we shall see each other in the coming year. If nothing unusual happens, I can easily get a few months' leave; should it not be possible from this or that perspective, then the one who has crossed the ocean and all of France will also make these 60 posts himself. 

25 Jan 1804

Write to me in Dresden at once. If the world quietens, or at least does not continue to burn, I hope to visit you and Kinloch in the summer.

18 June 1804

To Geneva, first, came the most beautiful letters from Berlin, gracious, joyful, inducing longing. Then Kinloch’s embrace! he is as he was; slightly fatter; his heart noble, as before; a husband, like you; a caring father; a faithful brother; a morally perfect person.

13 May 1780

Ich bin wegen Hrn. Kinloch in großer Freude und Furcht. In Furcht, weil seine Stadt von 10,000 Mann mit vieler Artillerie belagert wird; in Freude, weil er eine sehr liebenswürdige und reiche Frau geheirathet hat. Von seinem Bruder bekomme ich öftere Briefe; die seinigen gehen durch die Kriegsgefahren häufig verlohren.

9 Sept 1780

Kinloch, nachdem er sich in verschiedenen Treffen tapfer gehalten, ist am Arm verwundet worden, worauf Südcarolina ihn einmüthig zum Deputirten auf den Generalcongreß erwählt hat; er sitzt mit seinen Collegen zu Philadelphia, nicht eben ruhig, denke ich.

11 Aug 1781

Zwei Tage sind mir über der Anordnung von mehr als 500 Briefen, die nebst meinen Büchern aus Genf gekommen sind, verflossen. Manche Erinnerung an Kinloch, Nassau, Bonnet, Tronchin, Boone, Knight, Sandys, Abbot, versüßte die Arbeit

7 Dec 1782, to his mother

Ich bin in meinem Leben bis dahin meist glücklich gewesen: fast nie aber auf dem Weg, den ich gehen wollte. Vor zwölf Jahren wünschte ich zu heirathen*, und mit ein Paar Professorstellen zu Schaffhausen zu leben; ich hatte nachmals auf England und Flandern verschiedene Plane; einst schien mir das größte und beste, mit Kinloch dem Aufblühen und Fortgang eines neuen Freistaates beizuwohnen, und im Krieg und Frieden einem freien Volk zu dienen;

*Der Wunsch dauerte nur wenige Tage.

January 1784

Es kömmt weder mir zu, mich solchen Schriftstellern zu vergleichen oder zu verachten, was Gott auch mir gegeben: aber nachdem ich viele Jahre der ersten Jugend fast verloren, das 33ste endlich hier, aber in einer Beschäftigung, für die ich nicht war, das 24ste und 25ste mit Kinloch, so daß mir für eigene Studien von Freundschaft und Pflicht wenige Zeit gelassen wurde

9 Aug 1786

In meinem Hauswesen hat sich weiter nichts verändert, als daß Hr. Boone, Kinloch's ehmaliger Vormund, und von Südcarolina Gouverneur, seinen Sohn' hieher gesandt, welcher bei mir wohnt; Zeit kostet er mir keine, da ich nur bei Tafel ihn sehe; er ist ein liebenswürdiger Officier, der auch zu Aschaffenburg sehr wohl gefallen.

20 Feb 1801

Von meiner Briefschreibung muß ich nachholen, daß auch nach Südcarolina an Kinloch eine Antwort dabei war. Erinnerst du dich des edlen Jünglings? Nun ist er Großvater; lebt übrigens glücklich und ich habe so eben einen vortrefflichen Aufsatz über den Charakter der Revolution von ihm gelesen. 

7 Jan 1803

Nicht lustig war, wie du siehst, aber zärtlich in Leiden und Freuden der Uebergang in mein 52stes Jahr. An dem Geburtstag wurde nach Südcarolina geschrieben, auf zwei Briefe Kinloch's voll Geist und Liebe.

22 Oct 1803

Schrieb ich dir schon, daß Kinloch zu Bordeaux angekommen ist und nun zu Genf seyn wird; wie brüderlich er mir sogleich schrieb, des lang ersehnten Wiedersehens frohlockte, und für einige Tage mich ganz in der Jugend holde Trăume zurück versehte! Ich habe ihm sogleich geantwortet; sehen werden wir uns im zukünftigen Jahr. Wenn nichts besonderes eintritt, so kann ich Urlaub auf ein paar Monate leicht erhalten; sollte es aus der oder der Betrachtung nicht seyn können, so wird der über das Weltmeer und ganz Frankreich Hergekommene auch diese 60 Posten selbst noch machen. 

25 Jan 1804

Nach Dresden schreibe mir sogleich. Wenn die Welt ruhig, oder doch nicht weiterhin entflammt wird, so hoffe ich auf den Sommer Euch und Kinloch zu besuchen.

18 June 1804

Zu Genf erstlich die schönsten Briefe von Berlin, gnädig, freudevoll, sehnsuchterregend. Dann Kinloch's Umarmung! er ist, wie er war; etwas fetter; sein Herz edel, wie vorhin; ein Gatte, wie du; ein sorgsamer Vater; ein treuer Bruder; ein moralisch vollkommener Mensch. 

[bullfrogjoy]

Bullfrog Joy

January 19, 2024

Good Morning! I know a lot of you don’t like winter, but Wednesday was a beautiful winter day and Thursday wasn’t far behind. This morning, well… We just have to take joy in what we get and remember where we live, right? The snow that came last night was very sparkly, but then I didn’t have to go out into it.

My week has been filled with lots of ups and joys and downs and sadness. How was yours, my friends? Yesterday was a perfect example. I lost my phone…twice!!! The first time I had to go get Jan at the office, have him come home and call me so I could find it. Turns out it was in the car under the driver’s seat. I thought I had it in the car, but I sure couldn’t find it. The second time, I walked to Casey’s to get a Diet Coke. Joy….then an hour later I tried to look up something. No phone. This time, it fell out of my pocket at Casey’s. They were saving it for me. Not very joyful, especially when I met Jan on the way and had to explain to him what I was doing!

Here’s a small joy. I had to drive to Galesburg, and I was very behind schedule because of the phone incident. However, I hit every stop light around Monmouth on the GREEN light! Yes, the green light. Amazing!

Oh, here’s another one. I found a new word game besides Wordle (which I still play daily) It’s called Connections where you have to group 16 words into four categories. Sometimes I lose, well maybe a lot of times. The other day I got a call from Kendall. He didn’t win. Neither did I. One of the categories was words you used to find on your calculator when you typed certain numbers then turned your calculator upside down like “0ll34.” Remember? “Hello”? There were three other words in the category, plus another category I did not get. I do remember those number words, but that was a long, long time ago. He had never heard of them. So, joy for the phone call from the grandson, boo for the loss, joy for the memory. I won yesterday, all four categories!!! Once again, it’s the little stuff.

For me joy comes from the books I read, too. I finished Ender’s Game this week. It was written in 1977 but had so many things in it that are relevant to today. I wonder how Orson Scott Card could know what game play and internet use and influencers could be like today. Last night we watched the movie…guess what! The book is much better than the movie. I know you are surprised!

I also think I may have found my word for the year. It scares me a little but that might not be all bad. I think the word is “finish.” Finish reading the book I started (I don’t have a lot of trouble with this one), finish cleaning the house, finish writing a letter, finish the prayers I have been asked to pray, finish whatever idea or project I get started. I am good at thinking up things, not so good at carrying them out. And I get sidetracked really easily!!! I am sure none of you have that problem, but I do, and it does not bring me joy.

I really like my new word for the month, “ubuntu.” It’s from Africa and my take on it is that we are all bound together as humans no matter who we are, no matter where we live, no matter what we believe. We need to be kind to one another and help whenever we can.

There’s a cool African story about some kids who were friends, sitting in a circle playing a game. A man offered a basket of fruit to whichever kid got to the basket first. They all joined hands and went together so they could all eat from the basket. Wouldn’t it be awesome if the world worked that way?

Joy to you my friends! Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea. Joy to you and me.

[sabaramonds]

a sight beyond death: timeline differences & other notes

so i wrote a fic. its partially alins fault. because the timeline diverges with changes i feel are relevant but didnt write in full bc the fic itself starts up after many of them, i decided to compile them here for perusal, alongside some other background headcanons alin and i decided upon regarding L, B and wammys house. probably a very long post, i will update later as well if more comes up or i forgot something 👍

jan 1 2004 (just over a month after light got his death note), sayu goes to deliver a change of clothes for her father and encounters misora naomi at the station. hearing her intent on meeting with the kira task force, sayu strikes a conversation because of her father, and the two of them wait together while sayu waits for her father to call her back after she messages him.

naomi is able to get in touch with L after speaking with soichiro via sayus phone and joins the task force; she informs L of her suspicions regarding kira being able to kill with methods besides 'heart attacks'

due to naomis information, suspicion on light increases

jan 8 surveillance begins on the kitamura and yagami families. during this week, sayu gets into an argument with her mother sachiko regarding her grades and when sachiko compares her to light (unfavorably), sayu storms off. while light is at cram school she goes into his room and triggers the diary trap, setting the house on fire. the investigation has hiccups here because of the fire but it doesnt actually matter in detail rn cuz i am not writing it all

at some point in january, B escapes his prison. because he needed so much medical attention, L arranged for him to be in a long term care facility as he recovered from skin grafts and physical therapy, because after losing B wouldnt leave anyway (he fully intended to resign himself to this until he saw the kira news). when he recovered from his final surgery and was being arranged transport to an actual prison, he escaped :) yay!!

roger alerts watari and L of this happening and L decides not to worry about it. naomi is like dude. i think we should worry. i decided he doesnt tell her about B escaping

the yagami family begin living in a hotel as their house undergoes reconstruction after the fire, though they contemplate moving to another local residential area. kiras murders slow marginally, a pace unnoticed by most, as light is unable to write as often and with as much as privacy in the hotel

when he makes it into to-oh in april his family decides to let him live on campus for a semester because the house isnt ready yet. L thinks this is awesome because he can just wire the dorms. light has to keep taking a potato chip and eating it 🙄

april 25h the phrase shinigami is used by the 2nd kira in the videotapes, as is a reference to "eyes". Ls visceral reaction is because of B, which he informs only naomi of in private he doesnt say anything actually because he doesnt feel like it

june 8th, a week into confinement, light gives up his ownership of the death note

june 9th, L wakes up to B atop him, having broken into his room. due to the fact misa & light have forfeited their death notes, he can see both their names and times of death when L involves him in the investigation, so there is nothing noticeably off about them

theres like a full week of everyone being super disturbed by L and B before the yotsuba group starts killing people as "kira" other additional notes/headcanons: i decided Ls real name is not L Lawliet because that sounds stupid as hell im sorry. but i also decided no matter what even if i decide on a name i like, i wont ever reveal it in the story. only B will ever know and any time it gets spoken or thought by him (or by shinigami) its going to be redacted Bs grandfather is actually japanese. he has no idea if his grandmother is because he never met her/she died before he was born; he met his grandfather several times. this is why he repeatedly uses japanese aliases and why naomi didnt go huh? whys some white guy got a japanese name? however, one of Bs parents is welsh and he probably grew up in wales. why...? its funny. B and L actually had a lot of impact on each other and they sort of cannibalized one anothers identity and mannerisms in their childhood even though L wasnt always at the orphanage. after A died they both subconsciously picked up some of his habits as well, as if to keep him "alive" in them both (and in the identity of L) so like, basically B used to sit like a frog and L started doing that because B does it; B chews his fingers because L does it; they both hold things the way they do because A used to do that; they both started preferring strawberries over their old favorites because strawberries were As favorites....so on. "L" is, in a way, already an amalgamation of B, A, and L; L himself had little sense of self and identity as he was molded by wammy into a "genius detective", and B and A, who were not only the only two people in his age range he ever socialized with but also two people being conditioned to become backups of him as a person....well uh there was a lot going on. basically. ❤ so tldr B and L are essentially amalgamations of each other. and of A. yay. unrelated to B, L and A but when were talking about all this alin and i realized that mello would have been 2 years old during the fall of yugoslavia and his childhood was probably insane even before watari scooped him up for his genius orphan exploitation program. just thought that was ummmm Interesting <3

[annaizscribbling]

*kicks ur door down, slams twenty dollars onto ur desk* I need some info.

im gonna send u a different ask for each question lmao SO.

I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT A MOMENT OF POTENTIAL REMUS!!! how did he get here!!! may i question u on his childhood perhaps?

how did he become an assassin? for how long? and will he still be a cryptic little shit in this universe like he is in some of your other fics? (im assuming not because he’s actually human now and not a borderline possessed figment of someones imagination but. still. i might as well ask)

*I accept the twenty dollars and immediately lick it before tucking it into my shoe.* That can be arranged.

I love remus so much you don't understand he's so sdSJHBSKSAKFKSGGS yes yes yes. Funky trash assassin with weirdly impressive emotional intelligence who is also a father. Racoon man, dumbly smart, soft, but good at murder, equals kinda hot ngl.

also love how excited I get over every single character lolllll. You mention any of them and suddenly they're my best and most favorite blorbo. I am aware of this flaw, it simply cannot stop me.

In all honesty, I don't have a ton of detailed backstory for Remus besides the fact he was unhinged and broke many many laws. His back story is actually pretty similar to my canon!Calypso backstory, but the favored child was his twin and they weren't particularly rich, and he did fake his death, but he was older, and it wasn't because he was locked in a basement for petty theft as a 10 yr old. Okay so maybe it's somewhat different.

I'll summarize by saying he was happily a problem child, very smart, and enjoyed chaos. He got into tons of fights for the hell of it, and ended up faking his death for good in highschool (and again later for funsies)

He would end up running away and accidently meeting a younger Janus while Janus was pulling a job. Jan was still new to his recent profession, which was a form of vigilante-ing and careful assassinations. Remus figured out what was happening and obnoxiously followed and pestered Janus the entire time before saving Jan's life towards the end of the job.

Janus never ended up shaking Remus, tho he tried for weeks to lose him, Remus popped up no matter what he did. Eventually, Janus just accepted it and brought Remus home to meet Virgil, who was thoroughly confused. From then on, the three were a weird little mismatched family.

They meet when Remus was about 18, and Janus was 29, and Virgil was 17ish. When A Moment with Potential takes place, it's about 10 years later

Remus' natural skills and grey morals had him catching on quickly and progressing Janus' growing operations. It only took him a few years to become increasingly well known for his brutal yet frighteningly strategic fight style.

Remus is indeed a bit of a cryptic lil shit, just not in the same way as like,,,, Low Battery!Remus, who is an all knowing menace. Here, he's just a menace. He's very intuitive, logical, and observant, he just doesn't care too much unless it benefits his tiny family. he's super hard to read and harder to control, giving him that cryptic vibe, but he doesn't know everything, he's a bit more affectionate, and he is wrong sometimes.

I apparently have a bit of a trademark for writing Remus as mentioned above, like a 'cryptic little shit' but that's only because I have no idea how else to lmao. I'm not really vulgar by nature, and I don't struggle with intrusive thoughts, which makes it harder to pull from my own life (which is exactly what I do with literally everything I write to some capacity) so I took some creative liberties with Remus and just stuck with them. I personally don't mind when fics feature out of character characters, as long as those new/altered traits are consistent and deeply incorporated into the story, which I try my hardest to do. with Remus, apparently it worked out because people adore this guy. I get so blushy and dumb, but people have really liked my Remus characterization, which honestly, dude, just thrills me. It's pretty damn cool, cuz I love him too <3

[dre4mgrln4sh]

Second Half Manifesto

The first of the year has been nothing short of interesting, I barely know where to begin. Through each month I was grateful for everything, being alive, experiences, love and so much more.

First Half

The first six months were full of so many experiences. I went to the first camp in Jan - flopped but relly pushed me to want more for myself in bowls. Met a man who later became my everyday ride to wrok - super grateful for that. Had the Interdistricts which was one of my worst experiences to be fair but enjoyed being in Port Elizabeth as always - my favourite place. And my birthday month - always so whoelsome. Bought myself a cute crystal bracelet and got a cute loan (to start up my credit, going well so far). Got to live how I want to live forever, spending on myself, friends and family without batting an eye. Ended very quickly as I entered depressing April - flat broke due to emergencies. Tried getting into King Price as well but not much luck. May started turning over a bit, not much happned besides focusing on my BGN Singles. June started with a bang - actually winning the singles but unfortuantely fell short at the camp (again), starting to give up on this SA bowls level - struggling to keep up due to work and zero practice. Anyway, moving onto the second half..

Second Half Manifest

It's been a rough few months to be honest but I reallly want change for the next few months as well as my life going forward. I am losing hope and energy in the constant feeling of 'need' - with prayer and manifestating but I don't want to live like that anymore. I refuse!

These are the DECISIONS I am making for my next few experiences - being a whole new being.

Better savings plans

Self-discipline (cleaning, cooking, reading, drinking, etc)

Quality people around me

Self-care days; minimum once a week

Good working environment

Multiple streams of money to spend

Genuine happiness

Health & wealth

Invested in self & appearance

Value in family time

Closer to God - manifesting the right things

Would really love to enter into a shift for the next few months and permantly be there. I want change. I need it - I am change!! Thank you God, thank you Universe. x

[icherishyou]

sun, 3 jan 2021

Holy crap, it's 2021!

It feels like yesterday I celebrated 2020 new year by working so fucking hard in January, and then quarantine, and then the new year again! Where the hell are those days going? That damn quarantine makes the day shorter, I guess. Not gonna lie, 2020 was so damn hard and I'm glad to leave that year (let's act as if those shits left behind in 2020).

Oh god, I just wrote some words but my fingers couldn't stop swearing. I just want to be a good girl!

That's okay, let's move on! Life must go on! Even though 2020 was so rude to me, I wouldn't learn so many things if 2020 didn't happen. So, whether 2020 puts so much poison in my drink or my food, I can assure you that I am still alive and stronger!

I just want to write some lessons that I’ve learned in 2020 which may sound nonsense, but it does change my perspective of life.

1. Always be grateful for what you have, best or worst! As I said before, 2020 was a pandemic year, and we were in quarantine for almost a whole year. No activity outside, no physical meetings, no meet-up in your favorite restaurant, and no going outside for an unspecified reason. The point is to STAY HOME! Back in 2019 until January 2020 when I was so busy with my college and part-time, I always complained about my condition and situation which always made me so busy and tired. Wait, don't get me wrong! I like to be busy and tired. I like to come back to my room late at night, take a bath, and then have a deep sleep. I like it. BUT SOMETIMES, my college had an unspecified schedule about the assignments. Like suddenly we had to make a meeting with someone from a certain company, we had to go to another city to research about warehouses or something, etc. Let alone my part-time job. Before I took the part-time job, I had explained to them that I only can take the job at a certain time, but they suddenly called me to take the job outside of the time we had agreed before. Like dude, I have a social life as well. It was sad when sometimes my friend went to hangouts, but I had to do part-time, or I had to go home to meet my family, or I had been too tired to join them. Duh... And then the pandemic came. Me, who was an outsider, had to stay at home for the whole time, trust me, it drove me crazy. It made me feel so grateful for something I always complained about before. For the God's sake, I miss being busy and tired. I miss going everywhere with my friends doing great or shits. I miss sleeping when I'm physically tired. I miss everything. I even miss my irregular schedule which made me curse myself. Jeez.

2. Never wait for yourself to be ready, because you will never be! Besides the pandemic, I had other things that made my 2020 so stressful. I lost my grandma, my classmate, and my uncle (in terms of death, but not Covid19). My grandma (oh God, why did you do this to me?) was my support system. She would always say yes when the world said no. She was the one who backed me up when the world would like to beat me up. I have known my classmate since he came to Indonesia (he is an exchange student from Africa). We became so close because we had the same classes and group project lately. My uncle was my savior every time life got hard for me. He would calm me down when I had a fight with my mom or another family member. I lost them in a row and God... idk how was my feeling. I know this is fate. At the end of the day, we will lose someone we love the most whether we are ready or not. But seriously? 3 at once? I thought I was so sad because I wasn't ready to lose them at that time. And I thought, if only God took them away when I am a little bit mature, I would be ready. But until now, I realize that I will never be ready for losing someone I love the most. Whether I'm 18, 19, 20, or even 50 years old, I will never be ready. We have to agree on the way the universe works, whatever it takes. And that's the only way we can come to terms with the situation. This makes me understand the term sincere in life.

3. Love is not only having each other but also letting go Pandemic, losing people I love, and now heartbroken. How could life be so rude to me? Like, what I had done before which made the universe against me this cruel? But that's okay, let's see how far I will fight back! But don't listen to me seriously about this thing. I'm really bad at love. Two break-ups for less than a year dude, I can't make people stay. Tbh, I don't really know what to write in this section, because what I feel about this ‘thing’ is so complicated. I'm a too realistic person and feeling things like this makes me feel so confused to explain it in a word. Because that's what love should be, be felt and proven, not to be explained lol Okay. So, it sounds so bad for me to say that I can't make people stay while making them stay is not my responsibility. But indeed, I feel guilty every time people go. It makes me think "what mistake have I made this time?" I'm sure that I dated only good people in my life. I mean, they only needed nothing but time and love. And so did I. I only needed time and love from them. If you know what I mean, no parasite relationship here. So those are my responsibility, giving time and love (which can be in various ways). I have to do my best to spend time with him, listen to his story, laugh at his jokes, appreciate every simple love he gave, always be there for him, etc. Even though making him stay is not my responsibility, staying with him is my responsibility. And if he decides to go at the end of the day or the universe can’t make us both as one, at least I've tried to give my best. Well even though that "best" is only my opinion. Everything still can be so wrong although you have done everything so right. If he is happy and right for you, he will stay. So, if he is not staying, it means he is not happy enough to be with you even though you have given your best. Just let him go for his happiness. Don't waste your time and love to please him to stay while his heart is not for you anymore. You’ve done so well, and you deserve someone who will be happy with you, as happy as you with him. “I love you, but I let you go” I hear that clause everywhere and every time, but just at this age, I finally get the meaning.

4. It's okay not to be okay Maybe this was the simplest thing that I never noticed in my life. I also heard this clause so often, but I never knew the real meaning before. Or maybe because I just didn't have time to be not okay before. I was so busy with my life out there, chasing my ambitions, putting my emotions aside, and just focusing on my dreams. Because I thought, that’s the only thing that matters in my life. The only thing that people always want to see in me. If I felt sad, I would only spare a few hours to cry in my room. A few hours later, I went out of my room, and was facing a new day. Because I had so many things to do, and sadness would slow it down. Back in 2016 or 2017 (I forget the exact time), when one of my closest friends asked me about my ex, and I just told her that we had broken up a few days ago. And she was so surprised and said "WHAT? YOU JUST BROKE UP? AND NOW YOU JUST SIT DOWN IN FRONT OF ME AS IF NOTHING HAPPENS?". Indeed, I was so sad, who wasn't? But with those busy schedules, trust me, I looked so heartless. I had to be okay and no time to tear up my tears too much. But when this pandemic came, it felt like I had so much time to do nothing unless being sad because I had no busy schedules. With those many things in terms of death or break up, I cried a lot at night (sometimes without reason), I felt sad at day (sometimes without reason as well), sometimes I felt so desperate, and I wanted to give up. Jeez, I did feel sadness for real. I thought it was abnormal because I had never been that way before. Until I realized, I guess the universe just gave me time to mourn. I'm just a human, and it's normal to feel sad, crying, and okay not to be okay. I can cry as much as I can even if I have a lot of things to do. It's okay to stop some work just to heal my emotions. And I thought some people need to see me at my lowest point (but tbh this is not me lol I can't do this one, not to all people). So, whatever happens next in 2021, I guess I'm totally ready. Whether life will give me sugar or salt, I believe it happens for a reason. This life will give me only happiness or sadness. And from both, we need to be grateful.

[cloudy-leonhart]

You Took My World Away.

Author Note: Am I starting off with an angst fic about Erwin? Yes. 

Summary: Erwin didn’t really focus on love, not until he met Reader. Although, nothing good really lasts for him, so losing his lover wasn’t that suprising, but his potential baby? it hurts. Really, really, bad.

Pairings: Erwin x Reader

Type: Feminine Reader

Theme: Angst

TW: Death, Swearing, Injuries, Miscarriage.

[gif belongs to the rightful owner]

He knew it’d happen eventually.

Your presence wasn’t there at HQ anymore, he knew that he’d never get to hold your hand one day, he wouldn’t hear and see you greet him a good morning by the kitchen when he walks by, he would never be able to catch you in his arms ever again when your ODM gear breaks down while you swing around during your off days.

He just never knew how soon it was, he realized how much he took you for granted, when they brought what was left of your body to him, he realized how stupid he was to not have been there by your side. How stupid could he have been, you must’ve been so lonely while you passed.

Nobody spoke when Erwin softly cried as he held your body, nobody tried to talk to him to let go of your corpse, not even Hanji or Levi. His friends surrounded him and you, he held you close to his chest as his friends tried to make him feel better, “Erwin? You should let go, alright?” Hanji gently clutched your limp arm as Erwin had quieted down. “No, I-” Erwin strained voice tried to speak.

“Erwin. Let her go.” Levi’s voice cut through, Erwin looked at him with pain and disbelief in his eyes, “You- Why aren’t any of you grieving?-” Mike’s hand placed itself on his shoulder. “We are, Erwin, but you have to let her go.” Erwin’s grip around your body had tightened. Levi held his wrist, as Hanji slowly pulled you out of his grip. Erwin tried to pull you back in his arms, Levi and Mike pulled him back, restricting him from taking your corpse away from the soldiers who were responsible of handling the corpses of other soldiers.

“You don’t understand, I need to-” Erwin tried to explain himself, as he looked at Mike and Levi frantically, as if to tell them to let him go. The two squad leaders struggled to hold him back. “Erwin, snap out of it! You knew this would happen!” Levi’s harsh voice tried to get through to Erwin, but his cerulean eyes were focused on his lover’s dead body as it slowly faded out of his view.

“You can’t take her away from me!” Erwin’s pained cries tried to convince Hanji to turn back, they could feel their tears run down their cheek, they could feel their grip on your body tighten slightly, as if they too, didn’t want to hand you over, with a heavy sigh, you were placed on the rickety wood of the carriage that carried also what remains of soldiers who fought bravely to their deaths.

———

“Oi, Erwin.” Levi leaned by the door frame, watching as the blonde sat in his chair, holding what seems to be a piece of jewelry, by the way the sun rays shone through the window, blanketing his restless figure and the item with different shades of the sun’s gold, the piece of jewelry produced a glare that seemed bright white to those who chose to stare at it head on.

“Levi?” Erwin looked up from his seemingly long gaze at your necklace, looking up to meet Levi’s industrial blue eyes, who seemed to glare at him from the door frame. “What- what are you doing here?” Erwin’s voice sounded rough and dry, as if he was dehydrated or had a sick throat.

“You haven’t left your quarters, not even for meals, besides, Hanji needs a break from being in charge in your place.” Levi looked away from Erwin’s full blue eyes, it has been fairly obvious that Erwin still hasn’t gotten over your demise.

“Oh yeah, uhm, I’ll be there.” Erwin looked over at Levi who seemed to be fishing something from his pockets. “You don’t have to start working soon, I’m just, here to deliver something honestly.” Erwin’s figure perked up as Levi’s footsteps came closer, placing two letters, one was a blood-stained letter, the second, a letter with the doctor’s wax seal was on it.

Of course, the doctor’s letter came first, probably news about you, his beloved, late wife. He grabbed his letter opener, prying gently at the black wax seal that kept it closed until it was delivered to him.

He slowly removed the parchment out of the envelope, placing it on the side as his eyes scanned the words on the parchment. His eyes scanned it over and over again before a heavy and broken sigh came out of his lips. Levi looked over to Erwin who seemed to be on the verge of crying once again.

Levi knew better than to poke through Erwin’s business so he left quietly, closing the door to give his commander some privacy.

Erwin’s hold on the letter tightened as it wrinkled the parchment. It read,

———

Trost District, Jan. 16th 851

Commander Erwin Smith.

Survey Corps.

Commander Smith, I am writing to you about your late wife, Mrs. Smith. I am saddened to share with you that your wife had carried while in battle, she was 4 weeks in her pregnancy, I am terribly sorry to be the one who had to inform you of your late child, I bring my condolences and hope that soon enough, you’ll be able to come from Trost to Wall Sina to collect your late wife’s corpse and give her a final resting place.

My Condolences

Dr. Edward Harley

———

Erwin felt himself freeze, he tried to take in deep breaths, doing anything to prevent him from spilling his tears, he knew if even one spilled from out his eyes, he’d never stop crying again.

The overwhelming guilt of not being able to be there by your side in the battlefield, to not be present during your passing, you must’ve cried for him, he shook his head, trying to rid himself of his thoughts of you and looked up to the dirty ceiling of his quarters as he tried to blink his tears away.

He continued on, he felt his hands weaken as he reached for the blood stained letter, he knew it was from you, the rich royal blue wax seal, a sign of extreme passion for the one who was to receive the letter. His letter opener pried at the wax seal, opening with a bit more force from the knife.

He pulled out the parchment the envelope dropping as soon as he let it go. He read this slowly and carefully, different from the doctor’s letter. His eyes ran over your written words carefully, making sure not to miss not even one letter on the parchment. He didn’t even notice his tears staining the parchment, the ink slowly spreading into the parchment, not being water-proof.

The letter was carelessly thrown onto his desk as he cried his heart out, the letter read,

———

Dearest, Erwin,

My beloved husband, I am currently writing this letter on the day of our wedding, I will carry this letter everyday with me, for in fear of my demise being uncertain whether it’d be today or years later.

It pains me, the thought of leaving such a remarkably amazing husband behind, I knew from the day we both met each other that our lives will be short, which is why we both married as soon as we were sure that we truly wanted to spend every second of our lives being in each other’s arms. I wanted to start a family with you, Erwin. I knew it will be hard to be able to start a family but I want to someday, I hope that both of us live long enough to atleast have a child together, I wish to wake up in your arms everyday, I wish to watch you and our child play around as they laughed cheerfully from enjoying their childhood.

I am sorry that it came to the time you’re reading this now, rather than a time where we lived happily, I was selfish enough to wish that you never had to read this and I was able to throw this letter away. I want you to know that my death will not keep us apart, this world was cruel enough to take me away from you.

I am strong enough to tell you that even if in this time I’m taken away, I will still find you in another life, I will wait a hundred years to be with you again, my beloved husband and hopefully, the future father of my children.

I promise that I will perish with you as my last thought and our wedding as my last memory, may we meet again.

Yours Truly, Y/N Smith.

———

He finally let his cries out, it wasn’t silent nor was it pretty, it was loud and painful, his eyes stung from the salty tears that left it, the painful and broken cries from his mouth went ignored by Erwin, the letter now laid on his desk as he had his head in his arms, his shoulders shook with every cry, his lungs begged to breath big breaths rather than staggered and short ones.

His hands clenched around his hair, it felt easy to pull out his hair, he could feel the cold ring on his finger, which used radiate so much warmth, even if it was the coldest night or the winter days. It was like the ring was powered by your presence. It felt warm rather than cold metal whenever you were with him. Now it feels cold forever, colder than any blizzard or colder than ice on his skin.

He cried out his guilt and his anger, he cried out the guilt of not being able to grant you the one wish you wanted, a family.

He felt horrible knowing that he could never hold you or his child ever again. He should’ve kept you here, he should’ve never let you went on that expedition. He should’ve been there. He wanted to turn back time, even just a few seconds from your death he could’ve at least done something, just something.

Erwin cried for what seemed like endlessly, hours it felt, on the other side of his closed door, was Levi and Hanji, who was stationed around his door, Hanji sat down on the ground, the tray of food originally brought warm enough so Erwin could atleast enjoy something while mourning, now laid beside them cold and tough.

They listened as Erwin let out staggered breaths and pained cries, they listened as their friend was miserable. Levi glared at the closed door of their friend’s quarters, as if it was to blame for the pain Erwin felt.

They sat and listened to Erwin’s cries over and over again, waiting for the right time to come in and comfort their blonde-headed friend.

“Levi..I can’t stand to listen to him anymore, I’m going in.” Hanji pulled themselves up, dusting their uniform before grabbing the door knob, a pale hand covered Hanji’s, they looked over to Levi’s face, emotionless eyes bore straight in Hanji’s pitiful ones.

“Let him cry and mourn, he won’t say anything if we go in there, you know he keeps to himself.” Levi suggested, Pulls back as Hanji let out a small sigh, stepping back from the door.

“I wish I could help him.” Hanji mumbled, sitting back down beside the closed door, trying their best to drown out Erwin’s muffled cries.

“Everyone loses something everyday, it just so happens to be the most important thing, Erwin lost these past few days.” Levi looked over to Hanji before glancing at Erwin’s door and walking away, leaving with slight sympathy in his heart.

Hanji soon walked away with the cold tray in hand, unable to take the overwhelming aura of sadness and guilt radiating off Erwin’s quarters, Hanji walked away with sadness built up inside themselves and a determination to lead while Erwin grieves.

Hanji looked back one more time, seeing Levi retreating back to his office before mumbling something as they walked back to the mess hall, deep in thought.

“Captain Hanji?” Moblit’s voice broke through her train of thought, “Is something wrong?” The blonde spoke worriedly, Hanji looked up at Moblit before speaking softly.

“As much as I think what Levi said is right, I don’t think Erwin just lost something, I think he lost his whole world.”

[meditating-dog-lover]

Health (Jun2022)

So I lost a lot of weight since Jan 2021. But I still need to lose more. Not a ridiculous amount, but a bit. And I want to lose the weight in a healthy manner because I am sick and tired of being unhealthy and abusing myself.

I may have lost weight, but I was not eating well. When it comes to eating, I'm either very restrictive or completely out of control. I haven't found a balance because I'm still stuck in that cycle.

I tried to eat better today. My goal isn't a restriction, it's to feel well-rested on the inside. Overeating and consuming too much junk food that is high in sugar and salt can lead to uncomfortable bloating and exhaustion. And I don't feel well afterward. My main goal is to feel well-rested and healthy and bloat-free.

Today was pretty good. I felt that I had a pretty salty dinner (same as yesterday night). I got a can of pringles and should have probably gotten a smaller size like I did with the Rolo. That would have helped. I don't want to restrict, but I want to look over my salt intake to make sure I don't feel unwell after consuming something salty. I also want to take it easy with sugar so the best solution would be to stick to dark chocolate and if I want a treat, I would also get a small portion (I got a small pack of Rolos yesterday), It really depends on the person, but I really don't feel well after consuming a lot of salt and it suppressed my appetite (e.g. if I come home and eat a light salty snack, I don't feel like having dinner even if my dinner is more satiating).

My problem isn't so much physical, it's really psychological. I have deep-rooted pain which forces me to eat and exercise in a way where I don't respect myself and only care about being skinny. I tend to be self-conscious of my body so even though I'm not "fat", I still feel like I am. So I wanted to easiest way to get thin. Even though my diet was bad and my exercise schedule was also terrible (would work out at 2-3 am in the morning), I still lose a lot of weight and fat.

Now I want to lose my remaining fat in a healthy way. I want to eat more balanced and intuitively such that I don't feel bloated or unwell after eating (especially after eating a lot of salt/salt-rich foods). I also want to continue walking (I love walking), and I don't want to do intensive workouts. I want to do short 15-25 minute circuits where I go at my own pace and don't expect myself to do every workout perfectly. I want to enjoy exercising instead of making it a punishing chore I have to do "or else I will never be skinny".

I also want to get into the habit of stretching, especially in my lower body. Now I mainly want to stretch my lower body because my calves are muscular and I don't like how they look. But a better approach here would be that I want to stretch my lower body because I will enjoy it and stretching helps your muscles feel nice and relaxed.

Again I want to eat better so I don't feel bloated or uncomfortable, I want to stretch so my muscles feel better, and I want to walk but I don't want to put any strain on myself (I want to enjoy it better), and I want to continue doing my circuits out of enjoyment and not out of force. I will get better soon.

This along with my braces will help my physical health 100% (I can't wait to start my first trays soon). However, I also have a lot of mental and emotional issues I need to take care of (besides the physical issues I pointed out). I have a lot of self-esteem issues and am very self-conscious (I won't even buy new clothes because I am worried about how they will look on me and if I will look fat). I even refuse to take pictures of myself. I am sick and tired of all this.

[vaguelygeiszlerian]

i was trying to be normal but now i’m here to make my feelings on nandor’s crisis of self everyone else’s problem

this is going to be incredibly unstructured and biased but i have feelings which are going under the cut

hello friends foes and people that know better!

im here to talk about nandor the relentless

so ok todays episode really did things to me that only pacific rim uprising has in that i am still crying about it over an hour later and now i need to talk about nandor’s crisis of self, namely his rejection of self 

we see the house, in this episode, celebrating not nandor’s birthday, but his rise to power in a country long since dissolved and buried in sand, a party that they have apparently been holding every year that guillermo has been in the house! nandor is discontented with the whole celebration, continuing this season’s arc of his existentialism, trying to understand what it’s like to be a vampire, to be lonely, to be someone once powerful and now small, co-leader of a council that only covers, what, just staten island?

and he’s drawn in by this promise of being human again, of being able to eat and drink and see the sun again, because hes so desperate to reject this part of himself that he must see as inherently cursed! when he was turned, his wives all rejected him and his kingdom drove him out, hes spent centuries looking for belonging, and always being barred at every turn but for this one house of perverts who he’s grown to resent for treating him like the big useless turkey of the house, only good for being strong (and now not even that, with guillermo in the house as their bodyguard rather than familiar)! he turned gail, only for her to immediately leave, after asking him to wait FOREVER for her! vampirism really hasnt been anything but a curse for him for as long as we’ve been following him, so it makes sense that he would be drawn in!

and he changes literally everything about himself to do it! cuts his hair, changes his clothes, pulls out his fangs every single day, they CLEARLY arent drinking blood to avoid being vampires so hes weakening himself too! and it makes him happy, because its something new, somewhere that he belongs to without being relied upon to be strong or smart or anything but human, which i dont think hes ever had? he falls for jan, because he wants so badly for her to be right, for this to be his chance to be human again, even when we’ve been given absolutely no sign that it does anything! (and we do see that it didnt do a damn thing at the end too!)

guillermo coming and rescuing him was, to him, a kidnapping and an assault on these people that, for months, had been his family, people that loved him without expectation (guillermo wanting to be turned) or reservation (the household all kind of hating one another in their own ways) and so no wonder hes miserable when guillermo tells him hes taking him home! hes convinced himself the only way he can ever be loved is to tear parts of himself out every single day to make himself lovable by anyone! no matter what he feels for guillermo, and he DOES feel things for him, he’s shown too many times this season and this EPISODE that he feels things, all he sees is this thing guillermo wants from him, to be immortal, to lose all these things that nandor is trying so hard to find, not realising that what guillermo really wants is him!!

and now he’s trapped in the same cage he locked guillermo in, begging them not to leave him alone in the dark because they want him to go back to being himself when he doesnt even know what they see in him besides these things he’s been ripping out every single day for a month, and i just know that guillermo’s gonna falter, because he loves him and wants what will make him happy, no matter how miserable he himself is, and he’ll let him go and nandor is gonna go to this place he thought was home only to find charred bodies, no jan, and the truth that ripping parts of himself out didnt make them love him, that the people that have been showing their love in the only ways they know how are the people he just left behind

these are literally just the feelings i have on nandors crisis i could go on so much longer about the scene where he leaves guillermo but im not going to because im being so normal about this again and not crying for the eighth time in an hour about nandors need to be loved

[o-neillwith2ls]

I've waited for this!

Original/Fanfiction: Fanfiction

Fandom: Stargate SG-1

Rating: PG/13

Warning/ Triggers: none

FYI: The dates coinside with the airing of the eposides, some are a couple of days off but its obvious which one htey are meant to be.

14 July 2000

Carter,

I don't want this to be some soppy letter. I'm not good at expressing what it is I feel inside. I didn't even know until it was almost too late, until I saw you on the other side of that forcefield.

But you already know. I saw it in your eyes, and I wonder how long you've known.

You're smart. You've probably known a long time.

I can't even finish writing it out of fear this will be found, and my selfish feelings will rip you from me.

I promised myself that I won't be the reason your life gets ruined.

So, I'll wait.

28 July 2000

I could have lost you, Sam.

No sooner had we admitted to even a little more than our respective roles, you were mourning the death of the man and symbiote the Tok'ra who once shared your body loved for over 100 years.

I have no way of…. No, I have no right to comfort you.

I could have lost you, Sam.

Why does it feel like I already did?

4 Aug 2000

Sam,

I have something I have to admit and I'm not sure you'll like it.

I mean you did. Like it that is, but I have to bear in mind that it was consequences-free and you knew it.

For a blissful twenty seconds we were consequence-free.

You were surprised, but you soon relaxed; you were in my arms, and we were just two people together.

I'm sorry if my admission embarrasses or makes life awkward for you.

Believe me, it was the last of my intentions. I would never want to make you feel that way.

But I was curious and truly a free agent, and when Daniel pointed out I could do whatever I wanted free of consequence, my first thought was of you.

I think I'm in deep, Carter.

1 September 2000

Thera,

I'm addressing this to you as the man that can. Before too much of the man who can't admit it occupies my mind.

During the last few weeks, I have never been as happy, as complete, then I am with you. You make me happy, not my lack of memories.

I would never be a complete or real person without you.

It meant the world to me that we found each other and shared ourselves with each other.

I am yours whatever my name is.

Jonah.

15 September 2000

I remember a certain Blond Captain once asking me if I died would I regret anything.

Oxygen deprived really gets you evaluating as well as frostbite.

Turns out my biggest regret now would be in not telling you how I feel.

I still can't, so I hope you know I want to show you through my actions.

You came for me, Sam.

I live, because of you.

26 Jan 2001

Withdrawal is hard.

But it took everything in me not to overpower you and just get it over with.

I think there would be some kind of relief to the act, but I don't care for the feeling of regret after. Knowing what I would have done to you.

I might crave you for the rest of my life.

But this is stronger.

I'll be stronger for you, Sam.

29 June 2001

I lost Teal’c.

I can almost see you rolling your eyes at me, trying to comfort me, and tell me it’s not down to me.

But it is.

And I'm scared.

I'm scared next time it might be just as easily you.

I am a liability to your life.

In more ways than one.

Find someone, Sam, who can love you, protect you, and keep you safe. Can do all the things I want to.

Because I can't be trusted to be with you.

10 July 2001

Okay, I didn't expect you to move on that quick.

Or has it been slow?

Have you been trying to get over whatever it is we had? Of course, you're not as emotionally invested in this as me.

You have options.

Everyone who meets you loves you.

And this alien guy, Orlin, sees you for all the beautiful and wonderful things you are, and he got share it with you.

I want to be happy that you're loved.

I wish – no I didn't wish it were me.

I feel so selfish. I didn't believe you at first and you had to let go of something you wanted. You were caught… between saving the world or your own butt, of course you chose the former.

You… you'd give this world your heart on a platter.

And you had to do it alone.

I'm sorry, Sam.

7 September 2001

I lost you. Again.

All my fears rolled into one.

And it wasn't out there in the big wide void of space.

They took you here! From outside your gym!

I remember when I heard that gunshot which killed Charlie.

And then the memory of that dread spread through my body that day… that same dread overtook me.

We found you in the nick of time.

I don't know what I would do if they took you away from me now.

Because I love you.

2 March 2002

I won't lie. Today was a good day.

It wasn't because I got to tease the cadets into believing I'm a terrifying Colonel, although that was pretty spectacular.

It was a good day, because you stood by my side, you were with me and, to them, we might as well have been equals in rank in their eyes. And, Sam, that was a great feeling.

I love making you smile and laugh. I love we have lots of in jokes which scared the pants off those kids. I love--all of it.

I wish I could tell you.

15 March 2002

I love it when you're all happy and smiling.

But, Samantha Carter, there is something which turns me on so much and that’s when you're rightly indignant and you march on and prove them wrong!

Not only do I love it, but it saved Teal’c's life today.

Never stop being you.

17 May 2002

You want me to talk. To acknowledge my pain somehow.

I wish I could. If only for you, Sam.

I don’t think I can't verbalise the way I feel for you, not even those three simple words ‘I love you’ covers it.

Daniel brought me back from a precipice. One, I was sure had no route of escape. Yet he talked me from the edge. Even when he lived on Abydos for a year, he was the reason I didn't jump.

He was so full of hope and faith, and those kids I lied for.

They deserved to live.

Just like my Charlie.

So, I protected them as best as I could.

I protected Daniel, as best as I could.

And I still failed him. Failed them.

For all I love you, everything I love, dies.

I can't lose you, Sam.

So, I'm letting you go first.

19 July 2002

"I know I said I was letting you go. But I can't. The Tok'ra which they gave me looked inside of me and saw what I would do to protect you, and I ended up being tortured without the Tok'ra the wimp, who ran at first sight of trouble. Clearly, he didn't learn enough.

I'd do it all again to save you.

23 August 2002

I hate that the ship was taken from under our noses.

I love that you willingly sacrifice yourself to save the planet. I love that you don't think of yourself, that you would carry out exactly what is needed of you. I love you for holding out with no weapons, no way out until I got to you.

For all I love all this about you.

Please don't do it again.

Don't sacrifice yourself for this world.

Nothing in this world is worth that much.

24 Jan 2003

Thank you for believing in me so much.

I never quite say it, but I'm glad you're my second. I don't think anyone would willingly put their lives in my hands like you do.

It speaks volumes of the kind of trust we have. You knew without evidence, even though you've seen what I'm capable of.

Just thanks.

7 February 2003

It's like it's an annual thing! They try to take you from me. Your head on my shoulders, my heart in my throat. I could do nothing to save you.

The thought of losing you now to some psychopathic lunatic of a snake--

Losing Daniel was hard. Almost losing Teal’c was painful.

Losing you would be unbearable.

14 March 2003

A lot has gone on lately.

Daniel has helped ascend Abydos.

It's a painful reminder of where we all started, how this all started. It’s hard knowing I won't see Skaara again. I won't see him grow or raise a family. I won't see any of those kids again, and yet, they aren't dead and gone.

They've ascended, and if they're anything like Daniel, they'll show them how it should be done. It'll be good to have good people up there.

And yet in all of that, I think Skaara was trying to set us up! It's a sad case of affairs when I can't hide how I feel for you from a kid inviting me to his wedding!

But you didn't seem disgusted, you just seemed distant from the idea of us being romantically linked, jumping to "friends". I suppose it's not so terrible being your friend, it has led me to the conclusion that you no longer care for me the way you once did.

That's okay.

I want you to live your life. You're amazing inside and out, any man would be lucky. It's a shame, that's all. I wanted it to be me.

16 Jan 2004

I know it's been a while since I've written anything.

I thought I had started to get over you. Turns out the minute you go missing, I go crazy!

And T told me when Colonel Maybourne and I were stranded off world, you despaired at the thought of never seeing me again.

And I hoped -- I hoped you still wanted me, like I wanted you, but when we found you--I don't think you did.

I have to give up now, but if you ever find these letters, know that I will always be there for you. I will always care for you, if you need me, I'll always be by your side.

30 January 2004

It's bittersweet when you finally took my advice and found someone away from all this.

I always hoped it would have been me, but as long as you're happy -- I'll be happy for you, because you deserve the best in life -- and that's definitely not me.

I hope this guy is that guy.

I hope he gives you all you deserve.

6 February 2004

It scares me when I lose you. I've said it so many times in these letters, but it doesn't make it any less true. So, when you went missing at the Alpha site, even dad didn't believe you could still be alive.

I'm surprised. I thought he knew you better, if anyone can keep going to the last millisecond it's you, Carter.

Can I tell you something? When we found you all bruised and broken, you asked me to sit with you. I sat beside you and gathered you for a hug. It was to reassure myself. that you were alive, and real. Selfishly, I knew it was one of the only places your boyfriend wouldn't find us. Because I wanted you to myself, just to be sure you were safe.

20 February 2004

I should be telling you to talk to your boyfriend about this.

Not the specifics, but the situation.

That your best friend is dead. and your boss almost died too. I should be saying to you he can help; he'll understand how rough it is on you.

But I couldn't deny you. Never could.

When you stood in front of me crying telling me you were glad I was okay.

It felt like so much was not said, and we didn't confirm or deny anything, and maybe this physical barrier of a having a boyfriend was enough to let me comfort you as a friend.

Just a little bit, just a hug a little, and why I lied to myself when I spent the night with you as a friend when I really wanted more but that’s not what I told myself.

That it’s nothing but professional concern.

You have a boyfriend after all.

18 March 2004

I have so much to tell you. So much I want to say.

When you ‘dropped by’, I knew.

And I stopped you. Because that line has been drawn and neither of us would cross it.

I worried you were saying it because my life would end soon and you felt as though you should admit it, after all there would be no consequences.

But I know that sort of love.

Admitting with no consequences only makes you regret having not said it sooner.

I want to die, knowing I haven't caused any sort of regrets for you.

If I go now, promise me you’ll love him with all of you.

That you will be happy.

And there are no regrets.

Comdo.

20 August 2004

Sam, I think this will be my last letter.

You asked me, as if … as if I could change your answer.

Don't you understand?

I don't want to change anything about you.

I want you to be happy. It's my only desire, my one wish for you to be.

The world could go down in flames, but as long as you were happy and safe then it would be okay.

It felt like you were looking for validation of your emotions, of your thoughts and feelings, like you had to be sure I didn't love you and I do but I can’t tell you!

But telling you to drop your relationship, to change your mind and pick me… is selfish and self-indulgent.

To believe I could be worth it for you and let you wait for something that might never happen!

I can't do that to you, Sam, because I love you.

I've already lost you! You’ve moved on without me. And there’s no way back.

But for you, I'd endure it all.

Because you're worth it.

08 March 2005

It feels like I cheated on you.

You're not mine to love, I know it.

I'm with a beautiful, free to love woman and I feel like I cheated on you.

I shouldn't even be thinking it, never mind writing it.

15 March 2005

You're lying asleep beside me, in my bed, completely naked.

It's three in the morning and I can't sleep.

I should want to sleep, but I don't want to.

And I don't want to miss a single second!

Eventually I'll succumb to a quiet slumber, and, in the morning, you'll wake, we'll repeat last night then we'll sleep.

Together.

You picked me.

And I got to tell you. I can finally say those three little words.

I love you!

So, for now, I'm savouring it.

Remembering each little detail and storing it in my heart.

Because I've waited for this, and it was worth the wait.

-------

"Hey Sam, I'm just popping out to the store because we're all out coke and beer--" He called out as he walked into the bedroom, and when he did stop suddenly to see her sitting in the middle of their bed surrounded by those pieces of paper he had recorded those letters on, and the shoe box that had been their home for years.

He looked at her and saw she was crying. For a moment, he was shocked. Too surprise to move. His voice and thoughts fought to be in sync.

Her voice was thick with suppressed emotions and she stammered in shock. "I'm sorry. I was looking for my tennis shoes when I found this under the bed. I only opened it to check if we hadn't missed throwing this out at our last move. But then I saw the letters--"

"Were all addressed to you." Jack said swallowing as he carefully sat on the bed trying not to crumple them. "So, I guess it's only fitting--"

"They're love letters!" She cried. "It's our love story. All of it, the messy, the tender, everything it's here."

Jack looked at her for a moment before he asked, "Is that okay?"

She nodded before she reached over the letters that were strewn over the bed, wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and hugged him.

"I've never had a love letter before." She told him.

"Never?" He asked surprised.

Sam shook her head. "This -- this is so romantic!" She sputtered. "I love you, Jack." She eventually whispered before she pulled away. "You waited."

He looked at her and wiped away her tears. "Yeah." He said softly.

"Am I still worth it? The wait?" She asked him.

Jack smiled and was amazed again at her humility. "I don't regret a single second."

[chameleonwritess]

Never Been Kissed

Series: Sanders Sides

Pairing: Moceit (Janus/Patton) (minor Logince)

“I dare you to kiss Patton,” Roman grinned.

“Truth,” Janus changed his mind.

“Do you want to kiss Patton?”

“Pass,” Janus spluttered.

“The game doesn’t work like that,” Virgil pointed out, unhelpfully.

Words: 2923

Read on AO3

It had started with a stupid truth or dare game. Janus was having a legitimate breakdown over a game of truth or dare. Curse the fateful day that the other sides had begun to accept him.

If it weren’t for the fear of being stuck with the company of Remus and only Remus again for eternity, Janus would leave them.

Only, he wouldn’t really, because even despite being the cause of Janus’s current predicament (although it could also be blamed on Roman), he’d never leave Patton. Not now. Not ever, if he had anything to say about it.

Patton, who smiled as brightly as the sun when Janus walked into a room. Patton, who laughed softly when Janus messed up baking cookies and smeared cookie dough on the end of his nose. Patton, who understood what it was like to feel alone, helpless, unwanted and unimportant. Patton, who, despite Janus’s best efforts, had captured his heart.

And now Patton was not only going to figure out that Janus was completely smitten with the bespectacled side, but also realise how pathetically inexperienced at loving another person he was, removing any infinitesimal chance there even was of Patton liking him back. All thanks to a game of truth or dare.

Patton had invited him to join in the game. Janus knew the basics of how to play, thanks to Remus frequently insisting that Janus, Virgil and he play it once upon a time. Still, he was quite sure the version of the game the other sides played would include a lot less biting and a lot less blood than Remus’s version.

The game had started innocently enough. Roman had insisted that they spin a bottle to choose the next player, avoiding any biases in selecting a victim. Janus agreed that it did seem the most efficient solution. The game began with some silly confessions about embarrassing secrets, favourite songs and guilty pleasures.

Of course Roman would be the one to change it up. Logan’s dare for the creative side had resulted in him feeling particularly elated after managing to fit seventeen spoonfuls of Crofter’s in his mouth before he had to swallow and he spun the bottle with enthusiasm, practically causing it to fly directly into Janus’s lap. Roman laughed loudly.

“Looks like it’s chosen you, Janus! Truth or dare?” he asked. Janus had considered the options. Knowing Roman, his dares would likely have Janus doing something ridiculously embarrassing (Virgil was still sporting faint remnants of red lipstick, despite his vehement attempts to remove it, and Patton still looked as though he was feeling sick from the many marshmallows he’d had to shove in his mouth).

Deciding he’d take a gamble that Roman’s truths were slightly more pleasantly… creative… than his dares, Janus replied.

“Truth,” he decided. Regret immediately followed at the wicked smile that flashed across the Prince’s face.

“If you had to kiss one of the sides, who would it be and why?” he asked.

As the embodiment of Deceit, Janus should not have found himself as panicked at the prospect of having to lie his way out. After all, he could hardly open his mouth and declare,

‘Patton, because I’ve been hopelessly in love with him since the very first time he smiled at me.’

“Inventive,” Janus muttered sarcastically to Roman, stalling for time if anything.

“Oh, come on, surely you don’t have to think that hard about it,” Roman complained as the others looked intently at Janus for an answer. He deliberately avoided Patton’s gaze. There was only one way he could answer without admitting every feeling he had tried (and subsequently failed) so hard to suppress.

“There’s only one obvious answer,” Janus started, clearly piquing the others’ interest, “Virgil still has lipstick on his mouth so it’s an automatic no. Logan looks as though he wouldn’t know how to kiss if he read an in-depth instruction pamphlet. Roman, you probably use too much tongue and that’s definitely appealing and Remus would bite me. That only leaves one option.”

Janus paused to look at the others. Virgil looked indifferent, Logan was trying very hard not to seem offended, Roman was failing at not looking offended and Patton… Janus drew in a sharp breath. Patton’s eyes were practically sparkling as he looked at Janus.

“That was a biased answer,” Roman huffed, clearly still salty, but Janus was relieved for the distraction, “I don’t use too much tongue!”

“You do every time you open your mouth,” Virgil protested.

“Besides, Logan can ki- I- nevermind,” Roman cut himself off, flushing distinctly redder. Janus raised his eyebrows and looked between the logical and creative side. Logan’s cheeks were dusted a darker shade than normal, too. Of all the confessions Janus had anticipated coming from this game, that was certainly not one of them.

“What?” Virgil blinked.

“Janus,” Logan interrupted, slightly louder than necessary, “it’s your turn to spin the bottle.”

“Of course,” Janus said, flickering his gaze back across to Patton, who was still glancing at him with a small smile. Janus snapped his eyes away again, quickly, spinning the bottle, instead.

“Logan, truth or dare?” Janus asked when the bottle stopped.

“Dare,” Logan wisely insisted.

The game continued for a few more rounds and Janus had practically forgotten about his previous predicament. He suffered through a couple of dares and another truth until, fatefully, Roman’s spin landed on him once again.

“Truth or dare?” Roman asked, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively. Janus had learnt his lesson, this time.

“Dare,” he decided.

“I dare you to kiss Patton,” Roman grinned.

“Truth,” Janus changed his mind.

“Do you want to kiss Patton?”

“Pass,” Janus spluttered.

“The game doesn’t work like that,” Virgil pointed out, unhelpfully.

“I- uh-“ Janus foraged for words he could usually weave together so effortlessly. What was he supposed to do? Kiss Patton and pretend it meant nothing to him? Not kiss Patton and have to explain that it meant too much to him? Explain that he’d never kissed anyone and he refused to let his first kiss be in a truth or dare game?

“You don’t have to, Janus,” Patton’s soft voice said from next to him and a hand landed on his leg. Janus jumped at the contact and Patton retracted his hand quickly. Janus wished he hadn’t- he’d just been surprised at the contact.

“I mean, it’s the rules, so he kind of does,” Roman pointed out, examining his nails for no particular reason.

Patton was looking at Janus with the same soft, understanding smile as always. Janus wanted so badly to lean forward and kiss him, but he couldn’t. Not in front of all the others. Not when he didn’t have a clue what he was doing.

“I- I can’t,” Janus finally spluttered out.

“That’s okay. It’s not a problem,” Patton insisted, but his smile wavered slightly. Janus panicked. Patton had thought Janus didn’t want to kiss him- that he couldn’t bring himself to do it, even for a dare.

“It’s not about you, Patton,” Janus insisted, quickly- quicker than he had meant to, “you’re wonderful, it’s just that I- I don’t- I-“ Janus’s breaths were getting faster as he looked around the room at all of the others. What had he just said in front of them all? What was he about to admit?

“I have to go,” Janus said abruptly and he immediately sunk out of the room.

And that’s how Janus found himself inside his room, his back pressed against the wall, breathing heavily and trying not to cry or have a panic attack.

How pathetic had he become? He couldn’t even complete a dare as trivial as giving someone a quick kiss. Admittedly, that ‘someone’ just happened to be the side he’d fallen in love with, but it didn’t require almost revealing his true feelings to all the others and having to physically leave the room for fear of breaking down.

Janus groaned in frustration and threw his hat across the room, more for dramatic effect than anything. Now Patton was going to think he was repulsed by him or something when it was the literal opposite, but if Janus revealed that, Patton would just be repulsed by him. There was seemingly no way out of the situation in which he didn’t lose Patton. Maybe he was destined for a lifetime of Remus, after all.

A knock at the door snapped Janus out of his self-pitying and caused him to wonder exactly how long he’d been dramatically sliding down the wall onto the floor for.

“Jan? Are you in there?” Patton’s gentle voice called out. Janus’s breath caught in his throat. He glanced in the mirror on his wall quickly, noting that his eyes were still red, the human half of his face was flushed and blotchy and his hair was sticking up slightly. He looked a mess but he couldn’t ignore Patton. Not if the other side wasn’t avoiding him as he’d feared only mere minutes ago.

Janus flattened his hair down, desperately and opened the door, trying to look as blasé as possible. Considering acting was one of his greatest skills, he was doing a notably abysmal job.

“Patton. Hello,” Janus said in an awkward, stilted way.

“Hi,” Patton said, breathlessly, “are you okay? I didn’t want to come straight away in case you needed some time but I didn’t want to leave you by yourself for too long if you weren’t alright. I hope that’s okay.”

Janus nodded.

“Yes, I’m great. Fantastic, even. Please don’t be worried about me,” he lied. Patton raised an eyebrow.

“You tell me off for repressing my negative emotions. I can tell you’ve been crying. And of course, I’m going to be worried about you, silly!” he insisted. Janus blushed a little. He was suddenly relieved that his face was already red.

“I really am okay,” Janus said more earnestly, “I’m sorry about what happened at the game. I just got… flustered.”

“You have nothing to apologise for,” Patton insisted, “Roman shouldn’t have pushed you to do something you didn’t want to do. He knows that, now, and no one else has a problem that you didn’t want to do a silly dare!”

“But that’s not true!” Janus blurted out before he could stop himself. Patton’s eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

“How do you mean?” he asked.

“Never mind,” Janus shook his head, desperately wishing he hadn’t said anything. If he just ended the conversation now, maybe things could go back to normal between him and Patton. “It’s nothing. Forget I said anything.

“Hey, Janus,” Patton protested gently and as Janus tried to turn around to walk back into his room, a hand encircled his wrist, causing a shock of warmth to jolt through Janus’s body. He immediately froze at the touch. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Patton continued.

Janus closed his eyes and nodded, slowly turning around to face Patton again.

“Is this still about the game or is it something else?” Patton asked, taking both of Janus’s gloved hands in his own now that Janus was facing him again. His touch sent shots of electricity through Janus’s arms. Patton was so free with his touches. Janus wasn’t sure he’d ever be used to it, but he wasn’t complaining.

“It’s just the game,” Janus huffed, “how stupid is that?”

“It’s not stupid at all!” Patton insisted and he took a step closer to Janus, his hand reaching up to touch the scaled side of Janus’s face, “do you want to tell me what it was that was the problem. I can tell the others not to do it again and I promise I won’t be offended,” he added with a giggle.

Janus released a shaky breath, both from the effect Patton's closeness was having on his heart and from the nervousness of what he was about to admit.

“I’ve never kissed anyone,” Janus muttered, barely audible. Patton heard, though, if the soft gasp he gave was anything to go by.

“There’s nothing wrong with that! You don’t need to feel embarrassed about it. You know, I’ve never actually kissed anyone, either,” Patton admitted, “and I don’t think I’d want my first kiss to be because someone dared me to kiss a random guy in front of everyone else.”

“Oh,” Janus muttered. He hadn’t considered that Patton might never have kissed anyone. He was just so likeable that Janus had assumed one of the other sides must have wanted to kiss him at some point.

“I won’t tell the others if you don’t want, though,” Patton promised, “it can be our little secret.”

Janus nodded as Patton smiled at him. Why was he still feeling so agitated? Patton wasn’t mad at him, he’d explained why he hadn’t kissed Patton in the game and he hadn’t been forced to admit his true feelings for Patton. He should be feeling calm again.

Apparently, his discomfort was still visible, as Patton’s face contorted into a frown.

“Are you sure that’s it? You still look worried. You know I won’t leave until you’re smiling again,” Patton insisted. Janus cracked a small smile at his insistence, but it wasn’t the genuine smile Patton was referring to. Those smiles were only reserved for Patton, anyway.

“Really, everything is okay now. I’m sorry for freaking out and I’m sorry if Roman’s dare made you uncomfortable. It did include you, too, after all. And I’m sorry if the truth I answered earlier made you uncomfortable, too,” Janus began to say, wondering where all these apologies were suddenly streaming from. He suspected his and Patton’s still adjoined hands had something to do with it. “I’d never want to make you uncomfortable but I probably did. I should have lied instead of trying to be honest. I’m the literal embodiment of Denial.”

“Woah, Janus, slow down, you have no reason to be sorry! I wasn't uncomfortable at all- with anything!” Patton pleaded, his eyes wide. Janus looked at him anxiously. He had not meant to pour out quite that much of his heart. There was something about being with Patton that made him want to be more vulnerable.

“You weren’t?” Janus confirmed. Patton nodded and smiled brightly before a tinge of red crossed his cheeks and he broke eye contact.

“I, uh,” he began, “I really wouldn’t mind if you did want to kiss me.”

Janus’s eyes flew wide with shock. Was Patton implying that he’d be happy for Janus to kiss him?

“But I know you only chose me because you’re not as comfortable around the others! And you were forced to choose for the game, anyway, so I’m not saying you have to, but-“ Patton started to continue, his face growing gradually redder as he did. He looked positively adorable and Janus didn’t think he’d ever been more attracted to the moral side.

“I do want to kiss you,” Janus blurted out, his face darkening at his sudden confession. Patton looked up again, his mouth forming a perfect ‘o’ shape. “I have for quite a while, actually,” Janus continued because if he was going to confess, he might as well go all the way with his honesty, “ever since you accepted me into the group. You just smiled at me and it made my heart flip and I tried so hard not to fall for you, but my heart clearly had a different idea, because here I-“

Janus’s words were stopped when two hands planted themselves on either side of his face. Patton’s face was right in front of his and he was smiling, fondly, his eyes sparkling. Janus’s heart thumped loudly in his chest.

“Patton-“ Janus sighed and then he was kissing him.

Even the simplest press of lips was enough to set Janus’s body on fire and he immediately wanted more. He wrapped his arms around Patton’s torso, pulling the shorter side closer to him. Patton, despite his equal inexperience, certainly seemed to know what he was doing. His mouth was moving languidly against Janus’s and he’d snaked a hand into Janus’s hair.

The soft scrape of Patton’s fingernails against Janus’s hair caused a sort of mewl to escape Janus’s throat. Patton giggled softly against Janus’s lips, and the puffs of air that Janus felt against his mouth made him just want to kiss Patton even more insistently. So he did.

Janus wasn’t quite sure how long they ended up kissing for, but he did know that at the end of it, his hair was most definitely a dishevelled mess, Patton’s glasses were askew, his cardigan discarded from his shoulders, and both of them were grinning like idiots.

“Wow,” Janus mused, unable to form coherent thoughts, “that was-“

“Amazing,” Patton finished for him with a grin. Janus nodded in silent agreement.

“I should have just told you the whole truth before,” he mused. Patton wrapped his arms tightly around Janus’s shoulders, pulling his face close once again.

“You really should have. I can’t believe I’ve been missing out all this time,” Patton sighed against his mouth, leaning in and kissing Janus’ again, “and-“ he added, breaking away briefly, “in case it wasn’t clear, I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time, too. I really like you, Janus.”

“Good,” Janus smiled, leaning down and pressing their lips together again. He would kiss Patton whenever and wherever he could just to chase the feeling of soft lips against his, gentle hands in his hair and a warm, comforting body right under his hands.

Maybe Janus should thank Roman, after all.

[missjanjie]

Better Than Revenge | (2/?)

Title: Better Than Revenge Summary: Karma Inc.’s business structure is simple - clients hire them when they’ve been grievously wronged and they send one of their revenge mercenaries to right them. As painstaking as their efforts to remain ethical may be, that may be tested when former detective, Rosé, enlists the squad to pick up where she couldn’t on a much higher scale, with potentially greater consequences. Word Count: ~2.6k (this chapter) | ~5.3k (total) Relationship(s): Rosnali (Rosé/Denali Foxx), Jankie (Jackie Cox/Jan Sport), Halldoll (Nicky Doll/Jaida Essence Hall), Gimone (Gigi Goode/Symone), Gottlux (Gottmik/Olivia Lux) Rating: T

TW for this chapter: implied domestic abuse, attempted sexual coercion of a minor, deadnaming/transphobia

Read on AO3 | Ko-Fi

Chapter Summary: Rosé learns Nicky, Jan, and Mik's revenge origin stories

-

Milwaukee, WI - 2007

“I think my parents are starting to get suspicious,” Jaida quietly confessed, her gaze downcast to the floor while Nicky sat behind her, braiding her hair.

Nicky frowned, her brows furrowed as she tied off the braid she’d put Jaida’s hair in with a hair elastic. “What is making you say that?” she asked, moving so she was facing the other girl and taking her hands into her own.

She shrugged, fumbling with the hem of her shirt until Nicky’s grasp stilled them. “Just feels like they’re snooping around more, suddenly real interested in my life. And you know they’re always acting weird whenever we’re at my house together. Last time they made us keep the door open, remember?”

“I had assumed that was an American thing,” she confessed. She had only moved to the states a couple of months ago, at the start of her and Jaida’s junior year of high school, and she was still learning how to differentiate cultural differences from people behaving unusually to her specifically.

“You think everything you don’t understand is an American thing,” Jaida rolled her eyes with a fond smile, “though I guess you’re right most of the time,” she conceded.

Nicky shrugged it off, redirecting back to the topic at hand. “But you’re worried they’re going to find out about us and poop will hit the ceiling.”

“Shit will hit the fan,” she corrected, then sighed. “I mean, think about it — my mom’s a Sunday school teacher and my dad’s the son of a preacher, they take ‘traditional family values’ very seriously. And I don’t know how things are in France but there’s nothing traditional about this,” she explained, gesturing between the two of them.

She frowned, her brows knitting together. “But we are happy together, surely once we graduate, we can—”

“It’s not that simple, Nicky!” Jaida tossed her head back and groaned. “I love you, but in a place like this, sometimes love just ain’t enough.”

And maybe it was denial, or maybe it was blind optimism, but Nicky had refused to take that answer lying down. She fought for Jaida and fought even harder to keep the relationship away from her disapproving parents. For a while, it seemed to be working, they had their beautiful, fleeting moments that let them believe that everything would be okay.

It was the first day back after spring break and Nicky immediately noticed a change in her girlfriend. It was like the life and light had been drained from her like she was only present physically. And despite the warm weather, she was dressed for late fall. She rushed towards her, taking her hand. “Ma chérie, what’s wrong? You look so unwell.”

Jaida hesitated before pulling her hand away. “I can’t hang around you anymore,” she replied. “Though I’m not gonna see anyone around here for a while starting real soon,” she mumbled.

“What do you mean?”

“My parents found out, Nicky,” she choked out, forcing back a sob, “and they were mad, I ain’t never seen them so mad. They’re sending me to military school… well, they gave me a choice between that and conversion therapy… seemed like the better option.”

Nicky bit down on her quivering lip. “But you can find me when you are done, right?” She reached out to her again, but Jaida backed away to step out of her grasp.

“I can’t. Besides, you won’t want me anyway, I won’t be the same person.”

She tried to grab for her once more, desperate to keep her, looking at her with watery, pleading eyes. “Jaida, I can’t—”

“Please,” she sniffled, “don’t make this harder than it’s already gonna be.”

And perhaps Nicky should have let it go, accepted losing her first love, and moving on with her life. Sure, she would eventually. She would move around for school, for work, meeting many beautiful women along the way, but none of that happened until she made sure Jaida’s parents experienced at least a fraction of the hurt they had caused the both of them.

Her plan had been elaborate and convoluted and would require a heavy amount of stealth work and computer literacy to pull off. But as it turned out, her plan of convincing the two parents that the other was cheating on them was quite easy when her snooping unearthed the fact that both of them already were. All she needed to do was bring it to light.

Present Day

“When you think about it,” Nicky mused, “I did them a favor. There are worse ways they could’ve found out than having an envelope full of proof dropped off at your workplace. At least no one made a scene… as far as I know, at least.”

“Does Jaida know?” Rosé asked. “Now that you guys have reconnected, have you caught her up to speed? Because it seems like something you should tell her.”

Nicky winced and looked away. “It… has not come up yet,” she murmured. “There is no easy way to inform someone that you were the catalyst in their parent’s divorce. Unless you have a way, in which case, feel free to share with the class.”

She shrugged, putting her hands up in surrender. “I got nothing, but my point remains. It’s gonna bite you in the ass badly if you wait too long to say anything.” When Nicky shrugged it off, she decided to move on. “What about you, Bubbles?” she asked, looking towards Jan, “what sort of scathing revenge does someone as bouncy as you come up with?”

Jan pressed her lips into a fine line, holding back what was either a smile or a grimace. “Well, this also happened in high school, an all-girl Catholic school, of course…”

Old Bridge, NJ - 2009

Jan was nothing if not brave. Coming out in tenth grade, especially considering the environment she was in, was a choice that couldn’t be taken lightly. While she had the support of her family and closest friends, the school environment had been a different story.

“Janice, could you stay back for a moment?” her math teacher, a conventionally attractive man in his early thirties, prompted as the final bell rang.

With math being her weakest subject, Jan was instantly concerned and nodded. “Of course, sir. Is something wrong?” she asked as she walked over to his desk.

“I think something is very wrong,” he replied as he got up. “Janice, I am highly concerned with your mental wellbeing.” He stopped in front of her, cupping her face with both hands. “You’re such a bright, beautiful girl. It would be such a shame for you to throw that away because you’ve chosen to shun God and live in sin.”

Jan felt her heart drop into the pit of her stomach and her throat tighten. This was inevitable, but that didn’t make it any easier to bear. She started shaking her head. “N-No, I’m… I’m not, I—”

“Shh…” he pressed his thumb to her lips to quiet her, then swiped it across her bottom lip. “Part of being a good Christian is overcoming temptation. And that’s what you want, isn’t it? Isn’t it what your parents want for you?” His hands move to her shoulders, squeezing them gently. “God gave you this body to lay with a man, you just need to be put in the right direction before it’s too late. I could help you, I could save you.”

Jan felt sick to her stomach. She hated every moment of the interaction; she hated the feeling of his hands on her, the way he was leering at her body, undressing her with his eyes. But at the same time, it was hard to lean into that hate, because he did pick on every insecurity she had in regards to her faith. But her sense of self won out and she was able to free herself of his grasp and run out of the room as fast as her legs would take her.

Any shame or guilt she might have felt was quickly replaced by anger and a desire to stop the man that tried to rob her of her innocence from harming anyone else. But she was still cautious, she knew there was a risk of retaliation if she spoke out alone, that was when her plan formed.

She created a fake Facebook account of a fifteen-year-old girl who was ‘planning on transferring to her school’. That was why she messaged the teacher, and after a few days of exchanging messages, ‘Samantha’ had agreed to meet up with him, the conversation in no uncertain terms making his intent clear.

Now, the obvious path from there would have been to go to the police, but that wasn’t good enough for Jan. Instead, she went to her godfather, who had promised he’d always help her ‘by any means necessary’. So, it was neither the police nor ‘Samantha’ that met the teacher at the park. Instead, it was two burly men who drove home a rough lesson that he was to turn himself in the next day, lest he face even worse consequences. He’d been given a flash drive with a copy of the whole exchange and was told he had exactly twenty-four hours and that the police would be expecting him.

Of course, those details weren’t in the subsequent news story of the teacher’s arrest. The conviction, however, was disappointing to Jan, as it was only two years and a thousand dollar fine, as well as losing his teaching license and having to register as an offender.

Present Day

“But rest assured, people are keeping an eye on him these days. You know, should he ever try and act up,” Jan explained with a shrug.

Rosé’s mouth was hanging open by the time Jan had finished her story. “So, you put a hit out on a pedo. I mean, shit, color me impressed,” she chuckled softly, then quickly followed up with, “I’m so sorry any of that happened to you, though. I’ve had people in my life try to weaponize religion against me after I came out. It’s never an easy pill to swallow.” She then looked at the group curiously. “Are you all…”

“Mik’s pan but yeah, the rest of us are gay,” Gigi confirmed with a nod. “At first, I thought that’d be the only thing we all have in common, but here we are now.”

“Chosen family is super important,” Mik agreed, “you never know who you can’t trust in your bloodline.”

Rosé quirked her brow. “That what happened to you?”

Scottsdale, AZ - 2015

Mik had been sitting across from his parents in dead silence for the past five minutes. There was no easy way to break it, let alone a correct one. On the coffee table in front of them were printed pictures of screenshots from his private Twitter account, where he presented himself as his true identity, but the precautions he took weren’t enough.

“Kady, sweetheart, I’m sure Uncle Joe brought this to our attention with your best interest at heart,” his mother said in as sweet of a voice as she could muster, which only served to sound fake to her son.

He rolled his eyes. “Oh please, don’t give me that. If it was ‘concern’ he would’ve told you privately. He sent it to the family group chat then told you that, and I quote, ‘your daughter thinks she’s a tranny’,” he struggled to keep his tone even, but he knew he needed to coddle his parents’ feelings if he wanted a chance of being taken seriously.

“I’m sure it just caught him by surprise,” his father offered.

Mik groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Even if he did, he wasn’t treating it like a fun piece of gossip, he hunted down my private account and outed me to humiliate me, and it would mean a lot if you guys had my back on this.”

This brought another wave of silence upon his parents. He couldn’t get a clear read on them, but they seemed stressed, confused, and most painfully, they seemed sad. His mother slowly picked her head back up. “Kady, I—”

“My name is Mik.”

“Listen, honey, you’re going to have to give us some time to adjust,” his dad tried to ease the tension, “you’re still our child, but this isn’t an easy thing to process, your mother especially is mourning the loss of her daughter.”

Mik felt his chest tighten in anger and hurt. “But I’m not—” he got up, shaking his head. “Right, fine,” he mumbled and escaped to the sanctuary of his bedroom. Left alone with his thoughts, the anger he had towards his parents dissipated and the rage shifted solely onto his uncle. After all, this was his fault. He was the one that robbed him of the opportunity to come out on his terms, and with the active intent to cause harm.

The anger didn’t go away over the following weeks. Instead, it built up, it festered inside of him as the summer after high school began. He had downloaded Grindr out of casual curiosity, and it was only a matter of minutes before a profile caught his eye. “No fucking way,” he grinned.

Of course, it was Joe, Mik realized how much of a cliche it was, but that didn’t change the fact that his bigoted uncle that tried to ruin his familial relationships was soliciting male escorts on a gay dating app. The opportunity for revenge essentially fell into his lap. He made a fake account and exchanged messages with him, just enough to get the evidence he needed.

The last step was simple, he dropped the screenshots into the same group text without any comment and removed himself from the group chat right after. He didn’t need to see the chaos unfold, Uncle Joe’s absence from the next family gathering was all he needed.

Present Day

“Just to be clear,” Mik added as he finished the story, “I’m against outing people, for the most part, obviously it should be something done on your terms. But shit, sometimes it’s gotta be an eye for an eye, you know?”

“Wait, I have a question,” Jan chimed in, “is he out now? Do y’all even talk to him anymore?”

He shook his head. “He moved to Alabama, I guess he wanted to go somewhere to double-down on the bigotry. No idea what happened after that. But, you know, good fucking riddance.”

“Amen to that,” Rosé agreed. “I don’t know how you guys have figured out that line of deciding what’s morally sound and what’s ethical enough. It seems to work, but it seems hard.”

“Jackie helped a lot with that,” Jan told her, her face lighting up and her smile broadening as she continued, “she has this pragmatic take on these things while still understanding that there’s so much ambiguity and morally gray areas. She’s honestly the smartest person I’ve ever met.”

Rosé nodded as she listened. “I’m glad you guys have someone like that on your team. How long have you two been dating?”

Jan turned bright red, worsened by the way the rest of the group laughed. “Oh, um, we’re not dating. She and I are… very close friends,” she explained.

“Ah,” the corners of her lips tugged into a smirk, “you’re just fucking, got it,” she observed, causing another eruption of laughter from the others, much to Jan’s chagrin. Once it died down, she redirected her attention to the half of the group that had yet to recall their stories. “Alright, who’s next?”

[thirstyforlulu]

Boobs, butt, pussy, thighs, feet. Which man is which????

(I’m gonna divide this by fav body part then their fav sexual method like vaginal, anal, oral etc... so this is for a S/O with a vagina. Sorry this explanation sucks I just wanted to make sure I was inclusive. Also, this does not mean I am saying these guys would only be interested in these qualities in a person, nor that they would not be interested in someone who is male or has male features. The scenario here is that you two are already dating so this is describing their favorite part about you)

Walter:

Ass, he likes to watch you from behind

The way it swings slightly as you walk drives him nuts

It’ll mess his work up if he’s not careful

Everything’ll be going fine but then you walk by and he realizes he’s been cleaning a window with pinesol

Now he loves any chance to have sex with you, but if you were to give him a choice he’d choose anal

He loves how tight you are and the view it gives him of your ass

He’ll be massaging you as he thrusts, loving having his hands full of his favorite part of you as he gets to fuck you

Luke:

Tits man right here

All tits are beautiful, big, small it doesn’t matter to him

When you show off your cleavage he can’t even think straight

He’ll be sneaking peeks whenever he can, trying his best to be subtle but not always succeeding

That being said, he loves a good titjob

It can happen anywhere, he can pull you into a bathroom and get a good little something whenever he wants

He’s a busy man so he likes the convenience, plus he likes to see how messy he makes you

Jan:

This man is so sexual that it’s hard to say what his favorite is

Any bit of exposed skin excites him as long as it’s besides the usual arms and legs

I wouldn’t go so far as to say feet tho

He loves oral

He doesn’t even have to take his clothes off to enjoy it

Plus you can do it in so many exciting places, he loves the thrill of potentially being caught

Your lips make him look even bigger, boosting his ego

If you swallow, it’ll be even better

Anderson:

Hips

He is such an innocent man, he’ll divert his eyes from everything else

But when he sees those hips in a nice dress his mind goes blank

He can’t help imagining his hand cupping your sides, resting in the curve of your hip

In terms of sex he prefers very vanilla vaginal

Probably won’t do more than missionary without coaxing

He likes the thought of all the other things but his religious background makes him see them as “dirty”

Give it time tho, you can pull him in the right direction

The captain:

Ass

He likes to watch you from behind

Give him a glance over your shoulder and his mind will turn to jelly

Give it a shake and he’ll lose his mind

He loves to place his hands on both sides while resting his head on your shoulder

It puts him right at ease

He’s an anal fan

Doggy style king 😉

He loves resting his upper body on your back as he thrusts

Watch out, he’ll bite your neck

The major:

He’s grabby so anything he can grab he likes

Titties, ass, waist, as long as he can rest a hand there it’s perfect

He very much prefers vaginal

He loves cumming inside of you, filling you as much as possible

It’s so exciting to see it all leak out of you as you lay there all tired

Alucard:

Tits or ass it doesn’t matter much to him

He just likes to look at you

Any part you’re willing to show off to him is just another bonus

He likes to press his face against your body, rubbing against it

He loves vaginal, although anything is fantastic as long as it’s with you

Mating press is one of his favorite positions

He’s so rough, you’ll end up with bruises

But that’s a given no matter what you’re doing with him

[firebrands]

And not to be greedy, but maybe no. 13 for Stony if you're up for it? Thanks!

THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE, THANK YOU

come into the light, m, 2.2k, steve and tony being porn co-stars (!) and quite a bit of tension between them | “co-stars au” + stony bingo prompt fill “tension” | on ao3

It’s been a while since Steve has done one of these confessional-type videos. After a PA has adjusted his seat and they’d tested the lighting, Steve takes a seat by the window of the cabin.

“Action,” the director says, and Steve takes a deep breath.

“The first time I worked with Tony Stark, I had barely started my career. We were both really young, and well, for me…” Steve pauses and runs a hand through his hair before smiling at the camera. “I wasn’t too experienced yet. But he was so gentle, and sweet, and he really helped with my nerves.”

They do a few more takes, try one where Steve’s wearing a different shirt, and one where Steve is talking to the gaffer, so his gaze is set off camera.

The next shot has Steve lying on the bed, only wearing his briefs. He rolls onto his stomach and looks at the camera from under his lashes. “I’m really excited to work with him again, I’ve always found his style really… sexy.”

He doesn’t need to conjure up anything to make himself flush; the script does the trick well enough, mostly because it’s true. He is excited to work with Tony again, even if he’s seen Tony around fairly often.

It makes Steve feel young, the way he reminisces about the first film they’d shot together, all those years ago.

***

There’s something different about the new guy. Tony has said as much as soon as he’d laid eyes on him, blonde and blue eyed and impossibly shy, even as they made him strip so they could shave him and oil him up. Tony has told them all before, that he didn’t like working with inexperienced boys, boys who would freeze at his touch, worry clear in their eyes and even clearer on camera. But there’s no fear in the new guy’s eyes—quite the opposite. Something about him makes Tony jumpy, but he can’t explain why. So instead, he pesters everyone else until they can give them a satisfying answer.

“You sure he’s in the right place?” Tony asks Jan, again. She tuts in response, just like she did earlier. “He’s too pretty, Jan.”

“Well darling, so are you, and that’s what we pay for,” Jan says, meeting Tony’s eyes in the reflection of the mirror. She tilts her head, assessing him, before she runs a hand through Tony’s hair.

“There,” she murmurs to herself, then she pushes Tony up. “Now it’s his turn, so if you please.”

Tony huffs, then walks onto the set. Nick is already in his seat, going through the boards. “Play nice with this one,” he says, and he doesn’t lift his head as he says it.

“So he is new,” Tony says, sitting down beside Nick. “Something’s different about him.”

Nick rolls his eyes. “Yeah, only been in one or two before this,” he admits. “But he’s good.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Nick snorts.

 The scene has them both in their underwear, pressing against each other, hands roaming up and down each other’s sides, breathy moans and whispered pleas. It’s a standard scene, one Tony’s done too many times to count.

Of course, this Steve guy had to go and be great at this, which is both charming and annoying in equal measure. Tony isn’t ashamed to admit that he’d expected Steve to be a ball of nerves, expected him to fumble around, maybe elbow Tony’s solar plexus by accident, or something.

Except, he’s the opposite of that. He opens his mouth readily when Tony kisses him, knows how to move his body, and seems to share Tony’s preternatural awareness of the camera. They move in sync, shifting their bodies to best show the camera their actions.

It’s barely acting anymore when Tony moans as Steve kisses his way down Tony’s chest. Tony feels alight, feels turned on, in a way that he hasn’t been in a long time—even in encounters that aren’t filmed. Steve keeps looking up at him, checking to see if he’s enjoying, and he’s unbearably gorgeous, and god, Tony could write sonnets about his mouth, his tongue, his eyes, the way his breath felt hot against Tony’s skin.

It’s not in the script, but Tony flips them over so he hovers over Steve, desperate to feel in control after losing himself so much under Steve’s touch.

Under his hands, Steve is pliant, his eyes shine with desire when he looks up at Tony and it makes Tony feel a little wild, makes him grab onto Steve’s hips harder, makes him almost rut against Steve until completion.

Almost.

“You’re really good at this,” Steve says, once Nick had yelled cut. Tony wrenches his eyes away from the flush that had spread down from Steve’s neck to his chest, which was glistening with sweat.

“Well,” Tony looks up at Steve and smirks. “I am an actor.”

Tony doesn’t miss the way Steve’s cheeks redden. “Oh, I know I just—“

Tony laughs. “I was kidding.” He takes a bottle of water from the break table and takes a swig, mostly to have something to do with his hands, which are itching to continue touching Steve. Tony wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, and considers Steve before speaking, “You’re not so bad, yourself.”

Tony didn’t think it was possible, but Steve blushes even more.

“Thanks, Tony.”

Tony wants to do a number of unspeakable things to Steve at that moment, overwhelmed with how beautiful Steve looks, has looked over the past few hours. Tony wants to make him blush some more, wants to take Steve’s face in his hands and feel the heat on his cheeks on his fingertips, proof that some physical reactions were caused by him and him alone, no script needed.

Instead, he says, “You’re cute when you blush. Make sure you learn to use it well.”

Steve grins and nods. He opens his mouth to say something else, but they’re called back on set.

***

Steve stops in his tracks when he sees him, doesn’t even think when he shouts across the set: “Tony!”

Tony turns, eyebrows furrowed at first at being shouted at, then his face brightens when his gaze lands on Steve, who is already making his way to him; the smile on his face makes Steve’s traitorous heart swell.

They greet each other with an embrace, and it’s so ingrained in Steve to kiss people on the cheek in greeting that he only realizes he’s done it when Tony raises his eyebrows at Steve, surprised.

But Steve isn’t fooled—there’s a slight pinkness to Tony’s cheeks that wasn’t there before.

“How are you doing?”

“Good,” Tony says. “We just wrapped. Are you shooting today?”

“Yeah, what a coincidence,” Steve says, even if it isn't. They all rotate on sets in the large warehouse, schedules crammed tight as shoots go on almost ‘round the clock. It’s cheaper that way, and it’s not like their audience keeps track or comments on it.

Tony nods.

Steve nods back, and finds himself incapable of saying anything else. Tony’s beautiful in the afternoon light, lips pink from whatever activities they’d gotten him to do earlier, eyes bright from release. Steve drinks it all in, feels suddenly like a man in a desert who has found oasis.

Steve sucks in a breath, trying to steady himself against the desire curling in his belly. He thought he was past it, but seeing Tony again, in person, has awoken the desperate need he thought he’d quenched. He wants to touch Tony, would settle with just touching his wrist, really, which is absurd; he’s touched more of Tony before, and has a video to prove it.

“Steve!” Sam calls, voice echoing from across the warehouse.

Tony blinks, and only then does Steve realize that while he’d been looking—Tony had been looking, too.

***

Tony curses. He’s been chasing sleep for almost an hour, now, but can’t seem to settle. He’s tired, exhausted from his back-to-back shoots, and usually he’d just jack himself off to get to sleep but he’s too tired to even get hard.

Or so he thinks.

He curses again as he flips his laptop open. His desktop is a mess, flooded with icons and random files, but he knows what he’s looking for.

His media player, like an asshole, plays from the moment he’d last exited the video. On screen, in high definition, Tony watches himself hold Steve close, watches as he takes Steve’s jaw in his hand and turns his face up, watches as he kisses Steve, open and lewd.

He’s hard, as if he hadn’t spent the past 12 hours in a shoot, popping a pill to keep him up as he held another anonymous man close and imagined Steve in his place.

He thought that he’d reigned it in, that the attraction to Steve was a passing fancy in something new, as it almost always inevitably was. But a week ago, Steve had shouted his name across the soundstage and kissed his cheek and Tony felt weak—still feels weak as he remembers it, the soft press of lips against his skin and he wants nothing more than to trawl through the company directory and find Steve’s phone number, call him up, make Steve blush again.

Instead, he watches, cock twitching in his pajamas as he watches himself manhandle Steve. He clicks to the start of the video, pushes his pants down and takes his cock in his hand, stroking slowly as he watches the way Steve moves under him, remembering the way Steve felt under his hands, breathing hard, eyes trained on Tony’s as he came. Tony has proof, sees it in the video, and at that moment, he lets out a strangled cry.

***

It’s been a while since Tony has done one of these confessional-type videos. They have him pose, clad only in jeans—not bothering to have him wear anything under—as he speaks to the camera.

“Well,” Tony smirks. “I’ve always loved a nice ass.” He laughs, it’s an affected thing.

“I worked with Steve almost a year ago,” Tony says, smiling to the camera. Steve hasn't arrived yet, but Tony feels a thrum of excitement building in him, zinging around and making his body feel alight. He remembers it all still, clear as the video, he’s all but memorized and branded to memory. Steve’s skin, the strong muscles of his arms under Tony’s hands, coupled with how soft his lips felt, pressed against his.

“I’ve always wanted to work with him again, and I’m glad we’ll have this time together.”

Tony’s in the make-up chair, being fussed over by Jan, when Steve arrives. Tony doesn’t bother hiding how he stares at Steve, who is beautiful and somehow, still looking a bit shy.

“Hey, Tony,” Steve says, sitting down beside him. He meets Tony’s gaze in the mirror and offers up a small, nervous smile. “How have you been?”

Tony turns a little, wanting to really look at Steve, but Jan tugs on his hair and makes him straighten back up. “Good. Excited about today,” he says, knowing he sounds nonchalant in spite of how he feels.

He smiles to himself when he sees, in his periphery, Steve duck his head and blush.

“Me too.”

 Nick is sitting in front of the camera, reviewing the boards. Tony shucks off his robe and drapes himself over the bed, clad only in his briefs.

Once Jan is done with him, Steve takes off his own robe. He folds it up, hangs it over his chair, and moves to stand beside Tony.

“Excited?” Tony asks, smiling up at him.

Steve’s lips quirk into a smile. “Been looking forward to this.”

The line shouldn’t affect Tony the way it does; he’s seen the script, he knows exactly what to expect. Still, as if on cue, Tony flushes.

“Come here.”

“Cut,” Nick shouts, sounding weary. “I need you to sound sweeter.”

Tony lies back down on the bed, and Steve rearranges himself, props his knee on the bed, turns to Tony half-way, so that his body is still on full display for the camera.

“Action.”

“Excited?” Tony asks again. He relaxes onto the bed further, an easy smile on his lips—inviting, with just a hint of lewdness.

“Been looking forward to this,” Steve says. He bites his lip for good measure, looking like he’s been waiting to touch Tony, and the look in his eyes is so sincere that Tony, against all rational thought, hopes he actually means it.

Tony lifts his hand, rests it on Steve’s knee. “Come here.”

It’s as if no time has passed between them. Steve touches him confidently, his hand gripping Tony’s waist hard enough to make Tony gasp. His lips against Tony are sure, and soft, and just as pliant as when Tony had kissed him, all those months ago. It feels infinitely better than Tony had imagined, in all those months in between, and he doesn’t bother hiding how pleased it makes him, moans into Steve’s mouth even if there was no direction to do so.

Tony pushes against his chest, turns him over so he’s on top, and kisses him some more.

Nick calls cut, and they rearrange the lights. Tony and Steve stay in suspended motion.

Tony bites his lip, and Steve smiles up at him, beatific.

“Doing anything, after this?” Tony whispers.

Steve reaches up and tucks Tony’s hair behind his ear. “You, hopefully.”

send me a number and i’ll write you a short fic

[lovelivingmydreams]

A story by heroes and vilains

Virgil Anker: a chance at change

Changes can be thrust upon you, or made by choice. Virgil has to make a few though decisions this year.

Virgil’s first day of his sophomore year started as a complete disaster. Over the summer his father had started on a ‘project’ he didn’t want to talk about at home. Which was weird. His dad loved talking about work. It was one of the few things that consistently got him excited. Last night he’d worked late, like really late, and Virgil hadn’t been able to bring himself to even go to his room. Instead he sat on the stairs, staring at the front door until his dad came through. After reading that headline that placed the horrible possibility of his father’s secret in his head he’d stopped searching. He’d bolted out of the library and into the park where he curled up under a tree, hid himself with his powers and proceeded to panic for what he later found out was a good hour. He’d always been a worrier and this discovery gave him so much to worry about. What if his father was Brain Storm? What if he was still a bad guy? What if he wasn’t but someone from his past was blackmailing him? What if he’d lose him when people found out? What if this project was something dangerous and something bad had happened? When his dad came home Virgil did something he hadn’t done since he was ten. He jumped into his father’s arms and hugged him tight. The panic he’d been keeping at bay all night rushing over him all at once. It took his dad a while to calm him down. Then he’d put him to bed with the promise of a serious talk after school. Then, of course, Virgil had overslept. His dad always left very early and usually Virgil was very punctual. But today he got up way too late and had to rush out the door. He barely took the time to shower, not even waiting for the water to get warm or to dry his hair properly. For breakfast he shoved a piece of bread in his mouth after which he rushed to the bus stop praying he’d still magically make it to the last buss that would get him to school on time. He had no such luck. When he finally arrived at school he rushed to get his late slip and thanked the heavens that the secretary seemed to feel enough pity for his sorry state to spare him a lecture and just gave him his schedule and told him the quickest way to his first class. “I hope you like where you are sitting…” The teacher’s voice faded out as he finally arrived in class. She looked at him, clearly not happy with his late arrival. “Ah, so glad you could join us Mr. Anker,” she greeted with a clipped voice. Virgil did his best to ignore the fact that everyone was staring at him. Maybe he should try and figure out if he could use his cloak in reverse and make himself blind to the presence of other people. He pulled his hood off as he muttered an apology and tried to avoid looking anyone in the eye. The teacher pointed to the back of the class. “Take your seat and spare me your excuses. I was just telling the class that these are your seats for the rest of the year,” she then continued addressing the class. “So I hope you like your neighbor, they are your new lab partner.” Virgil felt dread fill his stomach. Great a lab partner. And he got stuck with whoever was left sitting alone. He followed the teacher’s gesture and soon spotted the only empty seat in the second to last row in the back. He felt all tension leave his body as he saw that on the spot next to it sat none other than Roman Castile. Maybe today wouldn’t suck as much as he thought it would. The theater kid gave him a playful smirk and a wave. Virgil smiled back and sat down with a relieved sigh. “Man, talk about a lucky break.” “I agree,” Roman grinned. Before Virgil could say anything else, like ‘hi, how was your summer?’, the teacher started class and she was clearly not someone Virgil wanted to get upset at him. Soon they were given their first experiment. He and Roman were laughing, cracking jokes and throwing out nicknames and mild jabs the entire time and still finished early. Virgil couldn’t help the fluttering in his stomach. Roman was cute when he was having a good time. He was so gay for this guy. Trying to look like he was perfectly comfortable with his lack of sleep, breakfast and zero minutes spent with so much as a brush, he leaned back in his chair and looked at Roman curiously. “So how did you end up sitting alone in the back, princey?” There was no way Roman voluntarily hid so far out of sight from everyone else and so far from his usual friend seated in the front row. Roman looked a little awkward at the nickname. “Princey?” he repeated. Virgil rolled his eyes playfully. “Oh come on, you are clearly destined to be prom king senior year. And every king is a prince first,” he teased. Surely he knew that he was the most popular guy of their year? “Fair enough,” Roman allowed with a brief gesture of surrender. “I was last to arrive,” he explained with a shrug. “Simple as that. I didn’t sleep well last night and didn’t get up until my mother kicked me out of bed. She was busy with an order or she would’ve noticed sooner and dad was at the office, so he couldn’t drag me to the breakfast table either.” He made a gesture that seemed to say ‘what can you do?’ “You?” he asked. Virgil couldn’t help but make a face as he thought about the horrible morning he’d had. “Until an hour ago I was convinced the universe just hated me today, let’s leave it at that.” Roman chuckled, but not in a mean way. Then he got this look that Virgil knew meant he was about to be dramatic. “Ah, fate does work in mysterious ways my friend. It must have willed us to team up for this treacherous quest.” ‘How is he this much of a dork? And why do I like that about him?’ Virgil wondered as he laughed at his lab partner’s antics. He just couldn’t help it. Roman just had that effect on him. “Only you can pull of talking like a Shakespeare character,” he told his classmate. A playful light flickered in Roman’s eyes at that. “Well, only you can pull off dressing like a dark knight and still looking like a lost kitten,” he shot back. Virgil forced himself not to show how flustered he felt at being compared to a kitten. Did that mean Roman thought he was cute? And knight? That was a good thing right? Still, he had some kind of reputation he had to uphold. So he gave Roman a playful shove. “You take that back! I am dark and mysterious and intimidating!” Roman didn’t look like he was going to take it back. He looked like he took his protest as a challenge. But then Virgil saw a wad of paper hit his neighbor in the head and Roman’s mood immediately turned sour. Virgil was not far behind. There was only one person he could think of who would provoke the coolest kid in their year like that. Couldn’t Jan let him enjoy himself without him for five minutes? “What gives Bullard?” Roman hissed as they turned around. Virgil hated to see the look on his oldest friend’s face, the sneer, the jealousy. Because it was definitely jealousy that had Janus so worked up about Roman. “You take Smellington next time,” the boy next to Janus flinched in his seat and shot Virgil a pleading look. He recognized him. Virgil had stood up for him to upper classmen several times in the past. “Virgil is sitting with me.” That made Virgil mad like never before. He couldn’t just make decisions about his life like that! “Excuse me?” Roman seethed. “His name is Carlton.” “And you don’t get to say where I sit J,” Virgil added barely keeping his voice down. “I’m fine sitting with Roman. Besides you heard the teacher. No switching seats.” And once again Virgil found himself grateful for something that at first seemed like a bad thing. The teacher might have half a mind to give Virgil detention the second he gave her an excuse, but she also won’t let Janus have his way. Janus was a smooth talker and it got him out of trouble all the time. How Virgil didn’t know for sure, but he was almost certain it wouldn’t work this time around. “We always sit together!” Janus protests, there is a little bit of hurt hidden behind his indignation, but Virgil won’t let it get to him. Not this time. “Exactly. The world won’t end because I’m Roman’s lab partner J.” Really why can’t he have one hour to spend with someone else? “Am I interrupting?” Virgil heard a cold voice from behind him causing him, and the other three students to freeze in shock and turn to face the teacher. She was directing her eyes at Janus. Virgil was right, his friend’s usual tricks would not work this time. “Mr. Bullard, I don’t have you and Mr. Jonson’s assignment yet, which means you can’t be talking with anyone else besides each other right now,” she informed him in a dangerous tone. Two tardy students was clearly already more than she wanted to put up with on the first day of class. Virgil looked back at his friend and watched as Janus gave her his trademark ‘persuasive look’ his voice becoming honey like. Virgil had watched this get him extensions on projects, a better grade on those he had turned in… It was weird, and Virgil almost thought it might be a gift, but Janus would tell him, if no one else. Not to mention it didn’t always work. A gift should be more consistently successful shouldn’t it? “Ma’am, I can’t work with him. Virgil and I never had a problem in projects, can’t we…” “No.” The statement was firm and final and Virgil tried not to show how relieved he felt. “I put Mr. Jonson next to you because you are much too dependent on Mr. Anker’s presence. You won’t always be able to hide behind him Mr. Bullard. You better learn that now. And if I see any more problems here then all that’ll change is that Mr. Castille and Mr. Anker will be moved to the front of the class so you can’t distract them anymore. Is that understood?” Virgil was a bit surprised to hear all this. It seemed like the teacher had forced Janus to let Carlton sit next to him before Virgil or Roman arrived. He wasn’t sure if he agreed with her statement, but he wasn’t going to argue with the result. Virgil shot Carlton a reassuring smile, he’d make sure Janus would behave himself. There was no need for any fallout to affect him.

The teacher left and both he and Roman turned back around in their seats. “Sorry about that.” Virgil had no clue what possessed Roman to say that, but he was not having it. “I should be apologizing. He’s my friend and he was bothering you.” Possibly not for the first time. Why had Roman never mentioned it? “Yeah, but I did something to piss him off… Don’t know what, but he hates me. And if you were my best friend and some dude I hated was being all charming with you, I wouldn’t like it either.” Virgil laughed in relief. He was glad Roman seemed to understand what had Janus so worked up. And while he’d love to protest the ‘he hates me’ bit, he couldn’t. So he focused on getting back to teasing each other and enjoying themselves. “Charming huh? You certainly have a high opinion of yourself.” His jab had the desired effect. All conflict and worry left Roman’s face and he returned to his dramatic self. “Oh, my knight, why must you hurt me so?” Virgil laughed and allowed himself to enjoy the way being called his knight made his heart flutter. “Thanks… I needed that. J isn’t so bad, but he can be…” Virgil bit his lip, unsure what to say. “Yeah, not your fault,” Roman assured him before perking up. “Hey, why don’t you two come sit with us over lunch? Maybe if he feels included, he’ll calm down?” he suggested. Virgil’s eyes widened. That would actually be kind of amazing! Half of Janus’ thing was that he thought they were on the ‘outcast’ side of school hierarchy. If they both got into the ‘cool’ group then he could relax and go back to being the Janus Virgil would gladly do anything for. “You sure?” he asked hopefully. “Of course. My friends all think you are cool and they’ll think Janus is cool too, once he gives them a chance.” Virgil really wanted to accept, but a voice in the back of his head pointed out that this was too good to be true. What if Janus was right and he was unknowingly walking them both in a trap where Janus would end up feeling hurt and betrayed and never want to talk to Virgil again, leaving him with a choice between being all alone or following Roman around like a lovesick puppy for the rest of high school? Another, more rational voice pointed out that Roman had never exhibited any behavior that suggested he’d do that. That voice sounded a lot like his dad, and his dad usually made more sense than the bad voice. Still, why would Roman offer to put up with Janus? “You don’t like him. How do you know they will?” “I don’t like how he talks to me,” Roman admitted. Well, that was only fair. Virgil wasn’t very fond of the way Janus talked to people in general the past year either. “But he’s your friend, so how bad can he be?” His endorsement was that valuable? And had Roman mentioned that his other cool friends thought Virgil was cool too? When did that happen? Maybe, maybe sophomore year could be a new start. “Okay, I’ll suggest it.”

He should’ve known better. “Absolutely not!” Janus had huffed. “Jan, it’s just lunch. If it’s not fun then we can bail on them any time. You are the one who’s so obsessed with our spot on the social ladder. What do we have to lose?” Janus rolled his eyes. “I don’t expect you to understand this Virgil. But the offer wasn’t for us. Roman wants something from you. And he’ll have his friends be nice to me around you to get it.” “I know I’m not exactly mister sunshine, but that’s overly dramatic and pessimistic. Roman is cool. Like genuinely. And if you gave him a chance…” “Oh please Virgil! You are not this naïve! Why do you want his friendship so badly that you blind yourself like this? He can have anything from anyone he wants! Why would he want to be around some awkward outcasts? Except to make himself look good? What end does that serve? Everything anyone ever does serves some selfish end Virgil. Even the most noble of deeds are ultimately out of desire to be seen as good.” “Except for you of course, you only have my best interest at heart!?” Virgil pointed out. Janus hesitated and then he leaned in, too close for Virgil’s comfort, and he spoke in that tone. “You are my only friend Virgil. Of course I want to protect you, even from yourself. Don’t let Roman’s flowery words and cute pet names get to you.” Virgil tried not to flinch. Did Janus know? No, he couldn’t know. Still, Virgil had to remember that he could hear everything he and Roman said to each other. “I give him a week before he gets bored of you. And I don’t want to see you hurt by that.” And Virgil believed him. So he followed Janus to an empty table in the cafeteria. He saw Roman perk up, smile and wave when he spotted them. And he wanted so badly to just turn to him and go sit with Roman, Janus could either join or eat alone if that made him happy. But he didn’t. He smiled apologetically and shrugged, indicating he tried. The way Roman’s face fell in disappointment made his heart break just a little. He was mad at himself for being so weak. The rest of the day he sulked, not talking to Janus at all, not that his friend seemed to care. He apparently was of the opinion that Virgil would come around soon enough. Virgil wasn’t so sure. The sadness and anger he felt about the whole thing didn’t seem to go away like it usually did.

And then there was the talk with his father. “Home!” he called out as he tossed his keys over the hook at the door. “Kitchen!” his dad called back sounding tense. Virgil took a deep breath and joined his father at the kitchen table, gratefully accepting the cup of tea. “Virgil, I want you to know that you are not in trouble. I am not mad or upset with you in any way. Alright?” Clearly he wasn’t as good at hiding his nerves as he’d hoped. He nodded. “Last night… Was that the first time you went through something like that?” Virgil looked down. He knew he had to be honest with his dad right now… But it wasn’t an easy thing to admit. “No… Sometimes I just think too much and I worry and then I freak out and… It always passes, but it’s…” He feels tears spring up in his eyes. He feels so stupid. Who freaks out over some stupid thoughts? Not his dad. He’s rational and calm and in control. “Frightening I’m sure.” Virgil looked up in surprise at his father’s understanding tone. “Virgil,” he began as he pushed a piece of paper and a pen towards him. “I have a list for you, I’d like you to read over it and indicate next to each item how often you experience them on a monthly basis. It’s important to me that you are honest. I have a suspicion of what may be causing this, but I get that talking about it might be hard for you. Therefor I provided you with this as a way to boil it down to simple facts. Can you do this for me?” Virgil nodded and accepted the paper and pen. He started reading and writing. He tried not to think too much about how bad it was that there were so many things he experienced at least once a week if not several times a day. When he finished, he almost didn’t want to return it to his dad. Would he be disappointed? “It’s alright Virgil. I know I’m not always, good, at expressing my emotions, but I do love you. More than I expected to when I first agreed to take care of you. Nothing could prepare me for how much I love you and how proud I am to call you my son. Whatever you wrote down, won’t change that.” Virgil took in a deep breath and shoved the paper forward. There it was gone. Silence lingered for a moment as his father read the paper and nodded to himself. “I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with this on your own Virgil. Can I ask for how long?” Virgil frowned and thought about that. “Um… start of last school year? I didn’t notice it was bad until shortly after Christmas though. I was in the park and started freaking out. After that I was more aware of it I guess,” he explained. His father simply nodded. “Why did you feel like you couldn’t tell me this?” he asked worriedly. Because the first time I freaked out it was because I thought you might be a former super villain and I didn’t know how to even begin explaining that. “I… I wanted to… but then I started freaking out about freaking you out and…” he forced himself to take a slow breath and a sip of his tea. “I just figured I could deal.” Logan nodded thoughtfully. “Virgil, I think you might suffer from heightened levels of anxiety. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. I would like for you to talk to someone about it though. If only to help you figure out a way to handle these attacks and the thoughts that come with this better so it doesn’t have to interfere too much with your life. Does that sound agreeable?” “A shrink?” Virgil asked nervously. His dad nodded. “I know there is a stigma against it… But my psychiatrist has helped me a great deal with your mother’s death. I hope he, or one of his colleagues can help you with your anxiety.” This came as a surprise. “You… you went to therapy?” He always seemed to be so in control of his life though. “Still do from time to time,” his dad nods simply. Virgil thinks about it for a moment. Well, it couldn’t hurt to see what whoever this doctor was had to say right? If he has his dad’s approval… “Okay… just… can this stay between you and me?” he pleaded. He wasn’t sure how Janus would respond to him having anxiety. Knowing him he’d probably become even more protective and he didn’t need that in his life. His dad nodded in understanding. “If that makes you more comfortable.” “Thanks,” Virgil smiled. Then he finished his tea and excused himself to make homework. His dad got him a first appointment for the start of October.

Things didn’t change much for him in that time honestly. Roman grabbed every opportunity to talk to Virgil and tried to coax him into conversation. And he would love to just throw caution to the wind and enjoy the hour they shared as well as the stolen moments where they ‘ran into each other’ or where they defended the same kid. But, he just couldn’t do it. The doctor was a unique individual. Virgil wasn’t sure how well they’d get along at first. “Now, Virgil, I can call you Virgil right?” Picani asked kindly. He was nice, but also… extra. Even Roman might think he was a bit too intense. “Sure,” he mumbled in response, toeing of his shoes and curling up in a ball on the couch. He didn’t miss the fact that Picani took note of that. “Well, I’ve heard why your father thinks you should be here, but what I’d like to know, Virgil, is why you want to be here. Are you just looking for some medication, some breathing techniques or are there some things you actually want to talk about?” Virgil looked at the doctor long and hard to see what his angle was. He couldn’t find one. And it was a good question. What was he doing here if there was so much he couldn’t share? He shrugged. “Not sure… I know my dad wants to help. But…” Picani made a dismissive gesture. “Your father isn’t my patient right now. You should only come here if it’s something you want. Your dad will just have to learn from Jazz Fenton’s example,” Picani smirked. Virgil chuckled. “Well, he’s a lot like her, he just might.” “Oh?” Picani’s eyes lit up. Virgil didn’t know this but it wasn’t often that his patients saw the show he was referencing and indulged in the analogy. “You know, not as serious as he likes to believe he is. Well-meaning and levelheaded most of the time… supportive of his loved ones… but he could maybe be a bit more accepting and patient I guess.” “I was indeed getting at the patient part. Jazz did a great job waiting for her brother to be ready to ask her for help and offered him aid from the sidelines. Protecting him from their parents’ antics in the process.” “But she still thought she knew better than him and while she accepted his powers she didn’t get him until they actually sat down and talked,” Virgil countered. Picani cocked his head curiously. “I mean… I’m bi, and my dad is very accepting of that. And he tries to encourage me when I do art, even if he doesn’t really get it. But… I feel like he expects me to tell him everything, but he’s hiding so much… this is between you and me right?” He was pretty sure that was a rule, but he preferred to check. “Until you give me the ok, your secrets are locked up in here,” the doctor tapped his head and then his notebook, “Safer than in a secret vault.” Virgil smirked. “Figured you’d be a potterhead too. Huffelpuf I assume?”Picani nodded proudly. “But we’re getting of track. You were saying?” Virgil sighed once more. “Right. You probably know that I’m adopted?” he verified. “That was in your paperwork, but I wasn’t going to bring it up unprompted,” the doctor acknowledged calmly. “Well… I’ve come to terms with that, really, I’m not ashamed or anything. But I know nothing about my birth parents. I ask about them, and Lo… dad,” he hates it, but sometimes his father’s surname slips into his mind, especially when he thinks about his birthparents. Never in front of him, but still, he finds himself thinking it more and more often. And he feel really bad about it. “You can address him however you’re comfortable Virgil. I won’t say a word.” Virgil nodded. “Logan won’t tell me anything. I don’t have any pictures or their names and I know he knew them. I want to understand that it’s hard for him for whatever reason. But I want to know where I come from.” Picani nodded calmly. “And this secrecy… could that be what brings out some of the anxiety you’ve been experiencing?” Virgil nodded. “It’s not the only thing though,” he admitted and before he knew it, he told Picani all about how things had changed between him and Janus and the feelings he was developing for Roman who was completely out of his league. Picani was understanding and careful about how he addressed the Janus situation. He did encourage him to accept Roman’s attempts to reach out to him.

Virgil agreed to make another appointment with the doctor and he really wanted to make an effort with Roman. But he was much too scared of being rejected when Roman inevitably found out he had a crush on him. Picani wasn’t frustrated with him when he admitted he’d chickened out, much to Virgil’s relief. Instead they talked about how the coping tools he’d recommended were working out and then they talked about the fun things he’d experienced that year. “Hold on, you described yourself and Janus as outcasts. But you just said that Roman, the main character of your year, as you described it, thinks you,” he pointed at Virgil with his pen, “are cool. I normally advice against this, but maybe you should pay more attention to the rumor mill in school Virgil, and see if Janus’ view of you two might be different from that of everyone else.”

It was an interesting thought. And Virgil did just that. Over the next week he eavesdropped on conversations where he heard his name drop. And what he heard, boosted his confidence to say the least. People called him brave, and attractive, smart and mysterious. They were hyping each other up to ask him out. Some were questioning why he was wasting his time with someone as ‘sketchy’ as Janus. “Doesn’t he know what that guy is like?” “Wouldn’t surprise me. That snake seems like the type to strangle a kitten with one hand while offering Anker some chocolate with the other.” He didn’t really like that bit. But the rest was pretty good.

Then there was his meeting with Patton Bonnaire. He’d left his third appointment with Dr Picani and decided to catch a ride home with his dad, considering he would be done soon. He was working on his mysterious ‘project’ over the weekend. The university wasn’t far from Picani’s office. Virgil told the receptionist who he was and sat down to mess around a bit on his phone while he waited. “Hello?” Virgil looked up to find a man his father’s age looking at him with a curious smile. He was dressed funny. Light blue cardigan and a grey sweater tied around his neck. Like some sitcom version of a suburban gay dad character. He looked very nice though. Wide bespectacled blue eyes and freckles all over his cheeks. “Um… hi,” Virgil greeted as he got up and offered his hand. “Virgil Anker, I’m waiting for my dad,” he explained. Seeing a random teen at the university on a Saturday afternoon would be rather surprising. “Oh my goodness! You are Logie’s son!” Logie? Virgil felt a smile fight to break free. This was going to be good. “Um… Logan Anker is my dad yeah… he told you about me?” he asked politely. “Oh, you’re the only way anyone can get him to talk about anything other than work. I know all about you, but I still don’t know what kind of cookies to bake for his birthday,” the man pouted. No, that’s not fair! Virgil didn’t know how to deal with disappointed faces like that! Well, considering his dad had told this man all about him already, it was probably fine to tell him this little thing about Logan. “Anything with Crofters Jam and you are his hero,” Virgil divulged, with a mildly devilish smirk, imagining the look on his father’s face when he suddenly received treats with his favorite guilty pleasure. How the man pulled it off, Virgil didn’t know, but he could swear the man’s eyes sparkled. He grabbed his hand in both of his and started jumping up and down excitedly. “Oh kiddo! Thank you so much! My name’s Patton! I teach moral philosophy. I love your cool jacket, and you did your make-up so well!” Then he lifted his sweater sleeve to reveal a heart shaped emblem on the cuff. The heart wore glasses and brandished the pan colors. Patton winked indicating he picked up on Virgil’s color scheme. Virgil smiled. “Thanks, I made it myself,” he informed him. “Wow! Such a talented kid! No wonder your dad is so proud of you!” Patton gasped in awe. Virgil blushed. “I’m alright,” he said dismissively, not very used to that type of praise from an adult. Patton reminded him a little of Roman. “Now, don’t say it like that. The design is good and you’ve sown it so well! Did you teach yourself?” Virgil nodded. “Well that’s amazing. I’m not surprised though. Whit a dad as clever as Logie.” Virgil is so going to tease his dad with that nickname. And maybe set these two up. At least if he isn’t the mysterious ‘project’. Was this dad’s way to hide that he’s trying to date? Patton was clearly interested. Ew… why does he even have to think about this? Scratch that. He knows why, he’s the only wingman his dad has. Technically there is uncle Thomas, his dad’s old college friend, but last time he’d tried to set Logan up, they’d ended up not talking for a month for some reason. As far as Virgil knew he hadn’t dated anyone since he adopted Virgil. The man needed to get out of his office. “For how long have you known my dad?” he asked curiously. “Oh we both started here around the same time. He won’t admit it, but I think I’ve… Crofted my way into his heart.” Virgil, not used to dad jokes, couldn’t help a chuckle. “Oh, you are so precious! Can I keep you?” Patton pleaded, only half joking if Virgil read him right. “Ask my dad out and maybe I’ll end up calling you papton.” That was terrible but Patton seemed to love it anyway. Then the rest of the sentence seemed to register and he blushed. “Um, wait no. I mean…” he sighed and chuckled awkwardly. “I’m that obvious?” “Only a neon sign with ‘date me Dr. Anker’ would be more obvious. And in my dad’s case, you might need that. He’s a bit dense when it comes to matters of the heart. I don’t think he’d notice if you had his all pitter Patton.” This gets him another bout of laughter. “You shouldn’t sell your old man short though kiddo,” Patton manages a few moments later. “He was a tad stiff in the beginning. But recently he’s quite lit, I believe the word is?” Virgil froze when he saw Patton dig through his messenger bag and retrieve copies of familiar cards. “He let you copy his flashcards?” he asked in surprise. “Oh, yes. I walked in one day to borrow a marker and heard him say ‘cobi’? He was tossing something in the trash and the class applauded. So I asked his secret and he showed me his cards. I asked if I could borrow them and…” Patton couldn’t finish his story because Virgil had lost the battle with his composure. He was laughing. Tears streaming down his face and clutching his stomach, barely keeping upright. “He actually said… god, I didn’t expect…” he wheezed.

“Virgil!” At the sound of his dad’s distressed voice he looked up and struggled to signal that it was alright. “Virgil if you can hear me squeeze my hand.” Oh no, dad thinks I’m having an attack. “Fine, fine,” he managed as he squeezed the hand that held his. “Just, can’t… Oh my god, hilarious,” he wheezed. “Virgil, are you having an attack?” He shook his head impatiently and tried the breathing exercise Picani recommended. It worked, surprisingly. Pretty soon he whipped at his eyes though he would have to wash his face in the restroom unless he wanted to look like a horror movie monster. He looked up at the two men in front of him. Patton was absolutely smitten. Seeing his dad in protective parent mode clearly didn’t turn him away. Quite the opposite. “You are using the vocab cards,” he explained. “Of course they were a gift from you, why wouldn’t I use them at any opportunity?” Patton clasped his hands in front of his mouth to stifle a squeal. Virgil rolled his eyes. “Yes, because you were complaining about not understanding some of the things your students were saying. I didn’t expect you to actually start yeeting your trash.” And then his dad readjusted his glasses, looked him dead in the eye and said: “Yeet is for distance. For trash I need accuracy, therefore the term used is ‘cobi’.” Virgil lost it again. His dad just… Gods he can’t wait to tell Roman… Wait, since when was Roman the first person he thought about to tell stuff like this. They weren’t even really talking right now. But telling Janus felt… when was the last time he and J had a proper conversation? Before summer? Yeah some time before art week. These thoughts brought down his mood enough to get him to stop laughing. Picani might not be entirely wrong to suggest that the friendship was in serious danger of becoming toxic. Though he didn’t use the label, Virgil could read between the lines. “Anyway, great meeting you Patton. It’s good to know dad has someone so nice looking out for him.” Then he turned to his dad. “You should invite him over for dinner some time. He’s a lot of fun.” Patton’s face became beet red, but more importantly his dad was getting flushed as well. “Well, you two talk about that, I’m going to wash my face,” he stated as he marched away, feeling rather good about himself. He always felt better about everything after a visit to doctor Picani. In the morning doubts and worries would return in full force. But right now, he was feeling good. When he returned he saw his dad standing alone, staring off in the distance. “Dad?”

“Dr. Bonnaire asked me on a date,” Logan breathed. “I think you can call him by his first name if that’s the case,” Virgil grinned. “I… I suppose…” His dad was in shock… wow. “You did say yes right?” Virgil clarified. “I… yes, I don’t know what came over me… I’ve never…” “Wait… you’ve never been on a date?” God the man who had the talk with him had never been on a date. “Not like this!” Logan exclaimed with a wild gesture, surprising Virgil. If he raised his voice this has to really be bothering him. “Last time, I was an arrogant college student who felt like he had to answer to no one but himself. Now, I am a single father, going out with a coworker. This is an adult outing. I can’t just…” Virgil smiled sympathetically and patted his father on the shoulder. “You really like this guy huh?” Logan sighed and nodded with a blush. “He’s so patient and friendly and… I just never thought he could ever…” “Now stop it right there. Me turning out like a somewhat stable person, proofs you are awesome. And you just showed him all the reasons why he should date you while taking care of me. You’re welcome by the way. Patton is cool. He’s already met your kid and passed the test. The scariest bit is over.” Suddenly his dad turned towards him and grabbed his shoulders. “You’re really fine with me going out with him? With me possibly entering a romantic relationship?” Virgil shrugged. “I mean, I’m not a fan of the change, but I want you to be happy. And if Patton is your pick… I wouldn’t have suggested he come over for dinner if I didn’t like him.” Virgil rolled his eyes, but the gesture lost some edge when his father hugged him. “I am fortunate to have you as a son.” Virgil shoved him away, blushing awkwardly. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever Logie,” he huffed getting a flustered stammering as a reward. “Let’s go home,” he suggested with a smirk before heading to the parking lot. The date was planned for the next weekend, after Halloween. And for Virgil it was a Halloween to remember.

He really wanted to go all out, Halloween was his favorite day of the year. But he didn’t want to ruin his costume or get Janus on his case. So, for school, he went with the bare minimum vampire costume, leaving his more elaborate creation for the trick or treaters to enjoy. He was texting his dad, who was still nervous about his date, and waiting for class to start when his day went from okay to awesome. “Greetings peasants!” the booming voice sounded warm and teasing and drew all eyes to the dark prince who’d just entered. Roman stalked trough he class, ‘scaring’ everyone with grand gestures with his arms and even drawing a fake sword threateningly. Making promises of never ending suffering upon the land. Virgil texted his dad that he’d talk to him later and to focus on his classes for now. Eventually Roman pulled back his chair and climbed on it, planting one of his feet firmly on their desk and raising his sword to the sky. “I! Prince Roman of the damned marshes declare war on all that is good and pure!” he bellowed. Virgil leaned back and enjoyed his front row seat. “And you,” he held out a hand to Virgil as if offering to pull him to stand at his side. “my coldhearted friend, may rule at my side!” he announced dramatically. Virgil felt a rush of adrenaline. Roman had effectively pulled him into his improvisation and Virgil didn’t feel like backing out of this challenge. Even if it involved having all eyes on him. “Is that a fact?” he chuckled amused, but otherwise uninterested. He had to be in character after all. And he didn’t look like a vampire bent on world domination. “Of course!” Roman’s delight at his participation settled warmly in his stomach. “You, dear count, are the only other of noble lineage! No one else is worthy of a throne!” Virgil did his best ‘whiny teen’ voice for his reply. “But ruling sounds like a lot of work.” To his surprise this got him a round of laughter, the good kind. People found him funny. “Then you may feast on my enemies!” Roman offered, not missing a beat. Now they were talking. But just then class started. Roman sat down next to him and shot him a hesitant smile when their eyes met while they got their books ready. Virgil felt kind of bad. Roman must’ve been wondering what he did wrong to go from ‘almost friends’ to ‘barely get two words that are not about class’. He returned the smile warmly, making sure that he knew that he was back. Janus criticized the whole endeavor of course, but Virgil didn’t really care anymore. “Roman and I are lab partners, and we’re going to talk. And sometimes we’re going to have fun doing so. You have zero right to tell me who I can and can’t spend time with. I’m not your pet.” That shut Janus up. Perhaps he finally realized that he was acting the way he’d always said Roman would if Virgil gave him the time of day.

Virgil sat alone during Spanish, Janus had an exemption for his language elective because he was already proven fluent in both offered languages. Virgil had no clue what Jan did with the free hour, and he didn’t really care. “Hey, Virgil?” Virgil looked up and saw that some guy from Roman’s usual group had paused at his desk. He was dressed like a crazy professor. “Hi?” he greeted, not sure what had brought this on. The other boy grinned and offered his hand. “I’m André. I’m friends with…” suddenly he chuckled to himself and changed his posture and voice to fit his character more. “I mean I am a humble servant to Prince Roman. I have heard you have allied yourself with him for the day?” he inquired. Virgil chuckled. “Depending on how it goes the alliance might last past midnight,” he allowed. Then, as if on cue, the doubt started to creep in. “You have a problem with that?” he asked slightly challenging. “No my liege, never!” André assured him. “We have all been eager to meet you. A friend of the prince, after all, is already family to us.” It was exaggerated, but the sentiment was clear. He wasn’t seen as a threat, in fact he was already considered part of the group even if he never hung out with them. Before Virgil could really say anything the class started. André joined him on their way to the cafeteria and asked about how he did his hair and where he got his hoodie. He was halfway asking for a commissioned jacket when they entered the cafeteria and Virgil was pulled towards a table in the middle by an excited Roman. “At last there you are. It’s time to introduce these cryptids to their new rulers!” Virgil looked up at Roman who gave him a questioning look. He could decline, return to his little bubble of anonymity and pretend this never happened. But… Maybe, hiding away all his life wasn’t how he wanted to live it? So, why not? No hiding today. Or not unless he really had to. “With pleasure Princey,” he grinned, feeling satisfaction in being the cause of Roman’s delight once more. He did that. It was worth whatever Jan threw at him later.

They spent about ten minutes on improv and Roman managed to make Virgil forget about the audience completely. And when he, regretfully, left Roman to sit with Janus he could hear the whispers. But no one was laughing at him. There were so many looks of awe and admiration, it couldn’t not give him a little ego boost. “Talk about putting yourself on blast! What were you thinking?” Janus seethed. “Yolo,” Virgil shrugged, grinning as he imagined his dad saying it. “No one says that anymore,” Janus reprimanded. “It’s what I was thinking,” Virgil shrugged. Already planning his next act of defiance. He felt kind of bad taking advantage of his dad’s first date nerves and his worry for him, but if this was his teen rebel phase then there were worse things he could be doing while his dad was out of the house. “Are you sure…” “Yes! Just have a nice time. Text when you arrive at the restaurant and when you leave. I don’t have school tomorrow so don’t hurry home,” Virgil assured his dad. “Pat, steal his phone if he checks it even once during dinner,” he then instructed his dad’s date. “I will,” Patton winked. “Good, you crazy kids have fun and don’t do anything you wouldn’t want me to do,” he grinned teasingly. “Virgil!” his father chastised. “Love you too!” he shouted as he shut the door in his father’s face. Then he rushed upstairs and took out the vampire cape he’d worn for the trick or treaters this year. He then put on a black long sleeved shirt, black jeans and black converses and a cheap black zoro mask. He wasn’t planning on being seen tonight but if he was, he’d rather not be recognizable… and maybe the cape was more for dramatic flair. Roman’s antics had been kind of fun and he wanted to try it out for himself. No one was going to see it anyway. And if he liked it he might make himself a proper costume for future outings. He walked through some sketchy streets until he found what looked like a gang waiting for a victim. They didn’t see him thanks to his cloak and he hid himself in the shadows not too far from them. He took a deep breath and willed them to forget about their surroundings and instead focus on each other. It was easy when people were either not the sharpest mind or not really paying attention. He’d only gotten past his dad that one time because he’d moved in absolute silence. And that trick had taken a lot of energy. His peers in the hallways were easy because most weren’t even watching where they were going let alone trying to see where he was. This was a large group, but they were kind of preoccupied with their conversation and not very smart. So it was easy making them ignore the hand full of lost people that passed them by in a hurry that night. A buzzing in his pocket caught his attention. He checked who it was. Janus. That could wait. He wondered what other ways he could use his cloak for the greater good. Another buzz in his pocket. He checked. His dad. “Paying now, home in ten minutes.” That was his cue to go home. He’d only seen three would be victims, but those were three people who got home safe to their families and might not have otherwise. That was something. He knew that to him, one person coming home or not was everything. So feeling satisfied with his first attempt at true heroism he moved through the streets and hurried home. He just managed to hide his mask and hang away his cloak before he heard the front door. He threw on his headphones and put on some music while he sat himself on his bed. Hoping he’d look like he’d been distracting himself with music. Maybe it would be better if he wore more casual street clothes next time. There was a knock on the door and he pulled off his headphones. “Come in!” he called. His dad poked his head inside and let out a sigh of relief when he found him on the bed, not having a panic attack. “You should be asleep,” he pointed out gently. “I wanted to make sure I could tell you good night. How was it?” The soft look on his father’s face said it all. “I will brief you in the morning. Now you should get adequate rest. Sleep deprivation is detrimental to both your physical health and creativity.” Virgil thought it was kind of funny how his dad had started to use his artistic ambitions as motivation to take care of himself lately. “Okay, night dad,” he muttered in surrender as he got up to get ready for bed. “Night Virgil… I love you.” Virgil smiled. Dad was never one for saying the words. But ever since the start of this year he seemed to be making an effort to change that. It was nice. Virgil had always known, but hearing it meant more than he’d expected it would. “Love you too dad,” he told him, once more feeling a little guilty about sneaking out, and for planning on doing more of these dangerous things. But he was sick and tired of playing it safe all the time. He had the ability to protect others. He should use it for more than just some bullies. Science class was a lot more fun now that he and Roman were talking. It wasn’t very personal. They just exchanged witty banter and complained about school stuff. If he confided in Roman, Janus would hear and he didn’t want to upset him even more. Turns out Janus would absolutely bully others. Or well… Pick fights with classmates over little inconveniences. Luckily Roman wasn’t afraid of him like everyone else seemed to be. He even kept it somewhat civil, just staring him down until Janus backed off. Virgil wasn’t as patient. He didn’t like fighting in public like this, but he was just so done with this BS. Every confrontation made him wonder if this friendship was still good for either of them. But just because he was considering doing it didn’t mean he was ready to hear others outright say it. The rumors were one thing. People theorized on why Virgil was still friends with Janus now that he clearly showed his ‘true colors’ to him. All involved Janus being some sort of villainous mastermind and Virgil the tragic hero trying to save everyone at the cost of his own freedom, safety, or whatever. They were ridiculous, but he could deal. What hit him hard was when Roman voiced his concerns. Janus had been goading a senior into a fight, which was beyond weird. Janus knew that he couldn’t take him on. He always stayed far away from the arbitrary lines high school hierarchy drew between different years. Virgil wasn’t alone in breaking up the fight. Roman was talking the senior down while Virgil got Janus to follow him to their next class. The principle heard about the almost fight though and Janus was called out of class halfway through. Roman approached Virgil when they crossed paths on their way to their next classes. Still no Janus in sight. “Are you alright?” he asked worriedly. Virgil nodded as he collected his things from his locker, unsure what to say to Roman on this unfamiliar topic. This felt much more vulnerable than their usual chats. “Listen… I’m probably way out of line, but I don’t think I can handle seeing him use you like this any longer…” he started and Virgil, while he knew that Roman was absolutely right and that he probably should take the help he was offering, switched to survival mode. He didn’t want Roman of all people to see what a mess he really was. So he snapped. “You are right. You are way out of line. You don’t have the full picture and you have as much right to tell me what to do with who as Janus. So back off!” he growled before storming off. He regretted every word before he was even around the corner. That night he worked for hours on an apology. The next day he slipped Roman the note. It basically said that he appreciated the worry, but that he had it handled. Along with an apology for being a rude idiot. Roman tucked the note away and gave him a thumbs up to show it was okay. His dad’s date with Patton went well. Not a day went by where Virgil didn’t hear at least one thing about Patton, good or bad. Apparently his father could get a little frustrated with Patton’s humor and his excitement could be overwhelming at times. But even with all that the man made his dad happy with his warm and understanding nature. They’d only had one fight Virgil knew of, and that was resolved quickly. It was good to see his father be excited . It also made Virgil feel bad to realize he’d been so unhappy all this time because of… “Your father’s choices and issues are his to handle Virgil. It’s not fair of you to put the responsibility of his happiness on you.” Virgil looked up and sat back upright in the couch, folding his legs underneath him and studying his nails. He’d gotten a new galaxy polish the day before. He briefly wondered if Roman would notice. He always seemed to see it when Virgil changed something about himself. He forced himself to return his attention to the conversation at hand. Picani probably had a point. Still… “He’s known Patton for years, and I’m pretty sure they’ve both been interested in each other for a long time… if not for me…” “If not for you he might not have taken the job at the university in the first place. It’s like in The Prince of Egypt. When Mozes found himself in the nomad’s camp he felt unworthy of their kindness. But the priest told him that it wasn’t a single man’s place to judge the worth of his life. You’d have to take a step back and oversee all the people you’ve met and the effects you’ve had on their lives and how that ripples throughout the world around them.” “Wow, a movie. Out of cartoon references?” Virgil teased, choosing to table the doctor’s point to think about later. “I like to broaden my repertoire from time to time,” Picani admitted. “So… Have you told your prince yet?” he queries letting go of the subject in favor of another tough discussion. “I… We are barely friends. I don’t want to push him away like that.” He expected Picani to draw a comparison to Kim Possible or something. But the doctor could surprise him sometimes. “Could it be that your father had similar reasons not to pursue a romantic connection until now? Out of fear of upsetting a status quo he felt comfortable with?” Virgil frowned as he considered that. Maybe, maybe he had a point. His dad was one for schedules and predictability. A new addition to their family dynamic would shake that up. So, maybe his dad had needed a shove in the right direction. Should he… No Roman is straight. Nothing good is going to come from this. “You mentioned that he said he hadn’t expected to care so much for you. Sometimes you don’t know what you want or need until it falls into your lap. Your father didn’t know he wanted a son until he had one. And similarly he might not have known he needed a partner until you shoved him and Dr. Bonnaire together.” That…Well he had a point there, maybe. He also made Virgil feel so relaxed at times that he wanted to open up about  his gift, even if just a little. Just mention that sometimes weird things happened. But he wasn’t sure if being gifted was one of those ‘if you might put yourself or others in danger’ exceptions to doctor patient confidentiality. Being a hero in the shadow’s had downsides though. He wasn’t authorized to make arrests. He didn’t have any kind of professional protection or equipment, and the police didn’t know who he is and to let him do his thing. Virgil had decided how he wanted to change the city though. He would listen in on conversations, record them without risk of being caught. And if those recordings ended up with the police and that lead to actual arrests... well that was almost as good then wasn’t it? He had plans for more daring escapades later. When he got better at healing and hiding. Baby steps. But that rule couldn’t apply to everything. After almost two years of dancing around Janus’ jealousy and his own wishes to make some other friends, the straw that broke the camel’s back came in a startling realization that brought everything crashing down. “Sociology would be a good choice.” Virgil hummed absentmindedly as he chewed on his sandwich and looked over the offered elective classes. The past two years he hadn’t been sure what to take and joined Janus in whatever he picked. But after a full year of hearing Roman encouraging his art, he’d spent a few Friday afternoons in the studio. He’d been surprised at how accommodating and understanding the other artists were. They saw him work with his headphones on and left him alone. No one looked at his art if he didn’t want them to and they didn’t care if he looked at theirs when they displayed it. They even asked him his opinions on their pieces. And rumors about his ‘talent’ had joined the whispers in the hallway he listened in on every now and then. “I was thinking to take an art elective,” he told Janus. “Why?” The question surprised Virgil. “Because I’d like to actually learn some techniques? I dunno. They say to pick something that fits our interests. I’m interested in art,” he explained a little annoyed. “But we can’t do anything with that in college,” Janus pointed out with a roll of his eyes. “I suppose it’s a decent extracurricular,” he allowed before going off in a rant: “though something with sports will be better. College’s eat that stuff up…” Janus kept talking but Virgil didn’t really listen anymore. He just realized something. Jan never stopped talking about decisions he made as if they were for the both of them. Even now he talked as if Virgil would even consider joining the football or debate team with him. Virgil who hated public speaking and would have a panic attack at the thought of football practice alone and all the injuries that could happen. “But… I really want to do art. The new teacher is a pretty awesome artist I’ve been kind of following for a while. This might be my only chance to learn from him,” Virgil pointed out. He really hoped that Jan had just not realized he was talking as if Virgil would follow him wherever he went. “Don’t be dramatic V. It’s not like you can make a career out of drawings.” Virgil thought back to every time Roman had praised him and said he had potential. Wasn’t that how friends were supposed to act? His dad, who had the job of keeping his feet on the ground was more supportive of his interest in art than Janus was being. “It makes me happy,” he muttered feeling hurt and rejected in a weird way. “A career isn’t about what makes you happy, it’s about what gets you ahead in life.” And the tone made it clear that Janus wasn’t going to talk about the subject any more. That was fine with Virgil. He too, had made a decision. The next appointment he sat himself on the edge of the couch and looked at Picani with an intense determination. “I’m ready.”

A hard won victory. 

  Masterpost

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