#which he conveniently tells them he learned from a movie and just wanted to ‘try��

[frownyalfred]

this except it’s Brucie Wayne doing this during some company team building event and absolutely traumatizing an entire cohort of interns at Wayne Enterprises

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Ello! Can I request Fnaf movie Mike meeting like a Homeless kid who lives in the pizzeria who gives him tips and tricks to survive headcanons? Basically to confuse the robots they like wear the head of a offbrand/prototype Crow animatronic? They just chill and goof around but remain out of sight from the famous man behind the slaughter and his daughter? :3

Ever since you've made Freddy Fazbear's Pizza into your "home", you quickly learned the ins and outs of the establishment.

You knew what times the animatronics automatically started their shows, where all the security camera blindspots were, how to make a pizza quick and easy, etc.

Above all else, however, you knew how to avoid those robots so they didn't try to make you like them.

Normally, they'd be protective over children--they weren't hostile because you were a homeless kid breaking in and living there.

It's the missing kids themselves.

They've visited your dreams, and every time it ends the same way: with Cassidy asking if you wanted to "join" them and getting frustrated when you refused.

You learned what happened to them and communicated via drawings for a while...until you accidentally broke something, which made them assume you were deliberately trying to destroy the place.

So you've been playing a sort of cat-and-mouse game since, often pranking them and thwarting their attempts to capture you, but never meaning anything ill by it.

If anything, they seem to like these little games, too.

After reading some old employee handbooks, you discovered that the animatronics have a programming glitch that makes them confuse humans for endoskeletons without suits on--and they'd use lethal ways to "fix" them.

Conveniently, you've found a costume head of a crow (likely from a partner of Freddy's or some ripoff brand) backstage, and after successfully tricking Foxy with it...you realized how helpful this could be to the security guards who've applied here and "vanished".

Fastforward to when you meet Mike, fully aware he's the next guard to possibly die (the last one got himself killed before you could even properly warn him in advance--not that he would have believed you anyways).

He's understandably concerned bc you're just a kid who's all alone here with no family, and given his trauma....he suddenly feels like he needs to protect you.

Instead, though, it's the opposite.

"Slide that toolbox in front of the floor vent."

He eyes you strangely, wondering why a kid was bossing him around. "...why?"

"Trust me."

The second Mike does that, he jumps as something starts growling and slamming against the vent's grates, clearly trying to get out and failing as it retreats soon after.

"What the hell was that??"

"Probably just rats." You innocently shrug. "Or Mr. Cupcake who seems especially hungry tonight."

"I'm sorry....the cupcake moves?"

You realize he's absolutely clueless, so you tell him about the animatronics and their routines, showing him the crow costume head.

He's impressed that you know so much about this place (like you were an employee), but he doesn't believe they're capable of doing any harm until later on.

When he brings Abby, you easily see through the facade they're all putting on for her, but you play along with their antics while building the pillow fort (although you avoid talking or looking at Vanessa, never trusting her nor the yellow rabbit your "friends" spoke of).

During the final night where you both rescue her from Chica, you urge Mike to use the crow mask to trick Bonnie and Freddy.

He was certain it'll never work.

They couldn't be that dumb....surely they'll know it's him trying to sneak backstage..

Plus the mask was stuffy and heavy, and he just think it's easier to taze them.

But at your insistence, he tries it on and is shocked when they stare at him for a moment, before continuing their scheduled "show", completely unaware of his ruse.

It does make him wonder how you figured that out all on your own..

[wiihtigo]

11, 16, 22, 25, 31 HE NEEDS CASEY BITES TO LIVE

ask game

11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

haha (imagines casey confused and scared pretending she understands whats happening when she doesnt) ahh....

but yes she would 100% lie and nod along pretending she gets whats going on. and then i think she'd try to just brush it off and forget about it rather than try to piece things together and figure anything out. she doesnt mind living in blissful ignorance..its blissful

16. What makes their stomach turn?

hmmmm...shes not weak to bugs or rodents (she wouldnt go out of her way to play with rats but she wouldnt gaf about picking up a dead mouse to throw it outside if she found one), and i think she has a pretty good tolerance for movie-gore and body horror, but hmmm. real life injury i suppose, shes not good with pain. she hates pain! this is not a unique trait since ..everyone hates pain. but its true. heights make her stomach hurt too lol. so if you want to make her throw up, dangle her over a deep pit and punch her in the stomach 10000 times

22. How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

(smiles) possessive ..which is CRAZYYY cuz if you ask casey if she even cares about nell she'd say helll no and she'd mean it..i think its not so much that shes actually afraid nell is going to leave her for another girl, its just annoyance seeing anyone else cozy up to HER bodyguard. its kind of cute to me that her internal opinion of nell goes up when shes using her to show off to other people. even though its insulting to nell.

on most days: nell is an evil jerk who cut off my ubereats privileges after i tried telling the same place the food never came for a refund 3 times and got banned

if any hussy breathes near ladybug: my handsome and brave superhero roommate who i live with and who protects me from everything and we're best friends and you should be jealous i know her secret identity and you dont kyahhhh~~

shes a difficult person

25. What are their thoughts on marriage?

she doesnt want to get married and she doesnt plan on dating anyone

its extremely low on her list of priorities not even for any forced "i have to focus on my goals" repression, it just coincidentally coincides with what she already feels, that she doesnt care about romance and stuff like that.

casey operates on a system where if there are enough pros to a situation that outweigh the cons to justify something she doesnt like or doesnt want to do, she'll do it. there are way too many cons to the idea of dating and marriage 1. she doesnt gaf in the first place so she doesnt see a point 2. she doesnt want children 3. she doesnt want the added financial burden of another person in her life 4. she doesnt want to spend her entire life forcing herself to make small talk with someone inside her house that just lives there forever now 5. she wants to focus on her goals of becoming a super awesome famous actor and the pros are............. 1. ?????

obviously her tune changes in new york ending where casey and nell get married because there are more nell specific pros and less cons. and even though she pulls out 'im literally your girlfriend!!!!!!" when its funny or convenient i think she mostly doesnt even see it that shes 'dating' nell, she just wants to be with her forever and nell can never date anyone or be in love with anyone but her for the rest of their lives

its cute though, when they do get married she does cozy up to the concept of being nells WIFE very quickly. you cant throw that shoe at me im your wiiiiiiiifeuhhhhhh eueueuuueee (crying ugly)

she also realizes the value of her wedding ring when she learns she can use it to instantly get out of any social obligation. hm no i cant go to drinks after work my partner doesnt like me being out so late. yes theyre a real BITCH haha you know how it is

31. Who are they the most glad to have met?

oh you....YOU KNOW WHO!!!!!!!

of course its nell bishop aka ladybug

she doesnt KNOW how happy she is to have nell in her life until way later because shes a stupid stupid girl, but nell is without a doubt the best and worst thing to ever happen to her

for 1, shes the most fulfilled and happiest and most alive she has ever felt with nell, but for 2, she fucking dies and it hurts her more than she ever thought something could emotionally effect her. so she hates nell for making her feel like that when one of the things she was so proud of herself for was her ability to trudge through anything and come out okay, to always get up and keep moving no matter the rejection or failure. but she is sooooooo so sad when nell dies it just puts a stop to her heart totally. and she HATES HER FOR IT!

this answer is kind of double edged because if she was asked if shed just prefer that she never met nell at all to avoid all this, she'd answer yes instantly, but deep inside that thought is really upsetting and scary.

the memory of nell doesnt make her a stronger or better person. she doesnt get up in the morning because nell would want her to take care of herself. she doesnt 'do it for her' or do anything kind or charitable in her memory. nells deaths caused nothing but negatives and she hates her so much for fucking up the direction of her life but if there was a button that would magically bring her back to life completely ok she'd break her finger spam pressing it

[accio-victuuri]

CPN : random thoughts 🍬🍭

dumping some minor cpns that has popped up here and there for convenience. as usual, i need one space to ramble.

I also want to take this opportunity to applaud yibo-official for releasing that 1 hour + bts footage. They just went f*ck it and didn’t bother splicing it, they went ahead and dropped it on us out of nowhere. maybe one day they can post an hour long yibo vlog or photo set of yibo selfies. you know. just a suggestion. lol. The last post they made seemed like the final HB related content to share but apparently not. I am so thankful! This is best 3/14 gift!!!! I guess this is also a treat for “yibo movie fans” all over the world who continue to show their support for the overseas screenings.

1. Back in January, YBO posted for HB reaching 300 million in the box office and emphasis on the 3 ( zhan ). People have noticed that this scene looks like it was shot 10/5/2021 — ZZ’s birthday. What a coincidence that they chose this photo to be assigned to the number 3.

2. The way they dropped this big BTS content is reminding us of how the CQL 160 minutes bts was shared before. Is this them taking a page out of that? If there is something turtles are good at, it’s going through hours and hours of BTS footage! This is nothing to us!!! 😂😂😂😂

3. Also this was edited heavily, i can only imagine how many hours of footage they have. The selection of clips and what they can show. The music and it’s arrangement. going back to XZS being quiet — it’s a cpn that the two teams probably worked on this because the project is too big to accomplish by one group only. or maybe it needs a sign-off from the creative director xiao zhan. lol.

The important part of YBO’s post tho is their caption. Especially the part which said : Everything about Mr. Ye is dedicated to all fans of @UNIQ-王一博

I don’t know how many times I have said that Yibo is really making the necessary steps to make himself more mainstream. by that i mean, shedding the title of traffic star. the label itself isn’t all that bad tbh. lots of artists would kill to have the same traffic he does so they can have more endorsements and better scripts their way. however, i observed that he is transitioning to being an actor who hopefully will be loved by a lot of people and not just his core fans. The same goes for XZ, tho he is having a harder time staying away from being a traffic star and his own rice circle. I am in no way discrediting 🍤 or 🏍️, I just mean that the end game for the boys is to be a national celebrity. This transition leaves a lot of responsibility to existing fans like us, to be more welcoming to the new ones. This is why I get so mad when fans pay more attention to drama and fan wars cause it turns off potential supporters. It’s a huge red flag seeing a toxic fan group. I really hope one day, things do settle down and fans learn to be more chill.

4. Another ZSWW cute rumor posted said that WYB will still fuss when he sees old BTS videos of XZ scolding him. So XZ’s advice is to not scold the one you like even if you are jealous — who knows, you might end up together. This is too funny cause we know how fierce ZZ was with WYB, sometimes it’s already scary and you can tell the times he was jealous. 😂😂😂

5. Lastly, Weibo night posted some drama CPs and put it as a 9 grid photo. The pairings are not the most interesting part tho, it’s the top comments. 🤡

>> THIS IS THE LINK TO THE POST IF YOU WANNA JOIN IN. Like the top comments so they stay there, do not comment or reply. <<

On a regular day I would totally say that this is so unnecessary cause we have to respect the drama CPs on that post. Also BJYX is not really a “drama cp”, it’s WANGXIAN and if you believe in SZD there is really no reason to try and compete with commercial CPs. Plus it might indirectly harm the boys too. But i’m feeling petty today so i’m cackling. That’s all. You ask us about a CP? Okay, how about we clown you? I have no love for Sina Weibo and WB night at all so i don’t feel sorry for them or anything. We are just telling the truth, the pairing of XZ & WYB is truly superior. You ask, we answered. What I said about being careful is still true but sometimes you just don’t give a f*ck. It is what it is. 🤡🤡🤡

-END.

[vampirelover890]

// OC Origins game!

I am once again attempting to treat this social media platform as a social platform. Thank you to @leahnardo-da-veggie for the tag!

Rules: I want to know how you came up with your original character’s names and personalities. Are they based on people in your real life? Are they straight from your brain? Are they a mix of several people?

I already kinda did this yesterday, but this means I get to talk about some other characters in depth!

Anders:

As mentioned in this post, Anders was originally meant to be a much more timid fellow who became more confidant and scheming while a werewolf, but that was hard to introduce as a concept and so the werewolf evolved into his own personality. Anders and many other characters here are born from my curiosity of the human detached from the human form. How humanity as a trait, the compasion and rage of love and hate, all the emotions that make us human, change in the context of a non-human creature. I have no clue how I came up with Anders, but I know that Deephall came first.

Nicholas Killer:

Nick was a name created for the half baked concept that was my first story on here. I remember vividly how the story itself came to be though; I like chatting with my dad quite a lot and was talking about a movie called Nosferatu featuring Willem Dafoe as a crazed vampire hunter, when he pitched me his idea for a vampire story: a crazy guy who is a menace to public safety looking for a vampire that doesn't exist. I took the idea and ran. I don't necessarily like the story in retrospect mainly because it's rushed and I don't feel I developed Nick enough as a character, but it is still there.

Siobhan:

Is a Gaelic name I found on a cool fantasy name generator while coming up for an alias to a character. I never did get to tell that story, even to the people it was for (dnd group) but that name stuck around in my head for a long time. Siobhan was almost another vampire! I'd had an idea for a vampire who lives minimum wage and has to learn and adapt to the customs of an office job, but I'd already done a vampire story and you can never have too many vampire stories, but I wanted to vary it up a bit, and so I landed on a zombie. (Also go check out Leah's Convenience Store Vampire story for something like what I just described) Siobhan is kind of a blank slate personality wise, only learning to use her wretched voice for evil recently, but she does know she causes harm to others when she eats them. She does it willingly. To live. To experience.

Ava:

I had a hard time figuring out what I should write about next, and sat spinning in a chair for about 30 minutes until I realized I hadn't touched on ol' reliable when it comes to writing; a fighting tournament. You can actually see me express my ideas for a wip over on my main blog. I then had another hard time trying to figure out what the basic plot was, and then I came to a name which got me stumped again. The long and short of it is that Ava is named after a character with the same name from Borderlands 3, because that game is fun, and it was the first one that popped into my head. Ava dismembered her family to learn the ins an outs of the human anatomy to truly understand how necromancers work their magic.

I kinda turned this into a Origins of the story rather than the character themselves, but ultimately I had fun talking my brain off to myself about the little fictional people I imagine in little gruesome scenarios.

I leave this to an open tag, mainly because I have no one to tag, and am too afraid to go out and make friends.

[weird-bookworm]

ʜᴀɴɢɪɴɢ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʙᴇꜱᴛ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅ!ᴛxᴛ

a/n: i get random bursts of inspiration...

pairing: best friend!txt x reader

genre: headcanons, best friend!txt, fluff, me thinking i'm funny

word count: 800-ish? 160-170 per member...?

warnings: my humour, it's worth dying for (note the sarcasm)

ᴄʜᴏɪ ꜱᴏᴏʙɪɴ

calls you late at night

whining about how the guys were supposed to hang out with him

but cancelled last minute

you tease him how he thought of you only when the others cancelled

whines some more

you agree to go to the dorms

even though it's late

opens the door excitedly like a puppy

in comfy pyjamas looking very boyfriend material

the type to play games like animal crossing and mario kart

but also very fond of league of legends

giggles like crazy all through the night

a babie

a cutie

soft boi

(ik im whipped™ but can you blame me 🙈🥰😭)

has enough professional equipment to make an actual streamer jealous

does not use them properly

looks adorable with headphones on (also see: this)

you two will most probably spend the better part of the night playing games

will order takeout in the middle on the night

neither of you are getting to college the next day

ᴄʜᴏɪ ʏᴇᴏɴᴊ���ɴ

calls you at midnight

knowing very well that you will be sleeping

and that you have college the next day

forces you out of bed with the promise of ice cream

picks you up from your dorm on his bike

dressed like a delinquent

has a black duffle bag

you have a suspicion about what it is

your destination is be a skate park

except it's be locked

breaks in

y'know, just hanging out like usual

though usually you both don't break in in skate parks

teaches you new tricks

laughs at you when you fall

then picks you up

actually pretty encouraging

drags you to a nearby convenience store to buy the promised ice cream

y'all go back to the park and eat it there

while you click pictures of him

the duffel bag had spray paints, as you thought they did

so you both draw graffiti on the ramps and the walls around the park before leaving

ᴄʜᴏɪ ��ᴇᴏᴍɢʏᴜ

chaotic

chaotic

chaotic

did i mention chaotic?

this guy does not give a flying fuck about your upcoming exams

drags you to a noraebang

late at night

under the guise of stress relief

you can just thank the stars that you don't have an exam the next day immediately

dances around he's on drugs

gets drunk so quick

that it really feels like he's on drugs

gets on the table to belt his heart out

and lays down on it to dance to on the ground (😭)

all the while you are dying laughing

on the verge of snorting out all the alcohol you drank from your nose

an employee probably has to come in saying that you guys are too loud

but both of you are too drunk to actually care

you guys get thrown out in the end

ᴋᴀɴɢ ᴛᴀᴇʜʏᴜɴ

movie marathon

the only sane one

who actually bothered to plan a hang out in advance

spends ages trying to decide which series to watch

ended up choosing harry potter

they're actually his comfort movies

but that's a secret

or so he thinks

you can tell of course

he had a rough week

you nonchalantly move closer to him

to cuddle him

you're stuck to him like a leech in five minutes

he's used to it though

secretly loving it

ends up falling asleep

looks adorable (🥺)

you switch off the tv and cuddle him to sleep

says a quiet thank you the next morning

but you were half asleep (<3)

ᴋᴀɪ ᴋᴀᴍᴀʟ ʜᴜᴇɴɪɴɢ

i feel like he'd be a sweetheart

and surprise you

by taking you to a spontaneous hang out trip

to a pottery class

you had always expressed your desire to learn the art

and he finally found time to do this

giggles happily at your giant thank you hug

and then drags you inside and hands you an apron

chooses to make a plate instead of using the pottery wheel

makes adorable drawings of what he wants to make

actually spends ages trying to decide that

makes you choose from all his drawings

concentrates very hard

turns into a pouty babie

steadily compliments your work

even though it looks like a dog chewed it up

gets sad when you are told that it will take a month for the plates to be ready

gifts the ready plate, a month later, to you

also names it yn jr.

[supahn0v4]

I Knew You Once

Rise!Leo/Reader

You two reunite after your return from University

Returning to the Lair had been on your mind since you got back into the state. Having gone off to complete your Bachelor’s, it had been hell to be so far from the Turtles. While Leo did come to see you(Portal powers RULE!), it didn’t make the move any easier. Dropping in occasionally, regularly once every month as no bestie left behind on Lou Jitsu night, you didn’t see him much else.

While his portals were convenient, you had 3 roommates, 6 if you counted their pets. As much as he loves attention, especially from you, Leo did try not to pry into your personal affairs too much. “Lest he push too far and have his title of best friend revoked” as Donnie had put it. You’d never do that to him though, right? Well, better to be safe than sorry. He didn’t have much experience with this kind of stuff but college breaks normally end bad for friendships in the movies and he didn’t want to press his luck. Respecting boundaries was never really his strong suit but he’d learn for you.

He always offered to bring Don to help you study but it normally fell through the more you got into your degree. So he stopped trying as hard for your attention. Limited to sending each other memes through So-Shell. Especially once you both started dating. Usagi taking up most of his time and your boyfriend eating up what little spare time you had. A big move for both of you, everyone surprised, thinking the two of you had already been together.

He’d be lying if he said that didn’t make his heart skip. You would look good by his side. He’d also be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it either, though his preference for compartmentalizing his feelings won out in the end. Oh but you’d been so happy to introduce him to Usagi, a yokai friend of yours you had met when you were portal jacked(it was one time! Give a guy a break.) when he sent you home after a hangout in high school.

He remembers the day you told him you weren’t allowed to talk with him anymore. Remembers the outburst, his veins in his forehead almost popping as you tried to convince him everything was fine. That he wasn’t the first of your friends to tell you how you’re becoming a stranger because of this boyfriend. How it didn’t matter what he said. How desperately you were trying, and failing, to convince those around you this wasn’t self destructive and going to hurt worse in the end.

—72 was his body count, you had told him.

Of course the second you leave, some walking red flag worms his way into your life. And of course you dedicate way too much time to this fucking idiot than he deserves. Was it jealousy? No! No! No! Friends don’t let friends date guys who cheat in every relationship date their friends. Especially not their cute friends who deserve a good man who can treat them well. Which totally wasn't him- he had a boyfriend! A cute rabbit yokai too; one you had helped him get.

—73 now with you.

An insanely high number and a really sleazy thing to be proud of. Leo remembers you telling him of all the high expectations the guy put on himself, only to then lord those over your head as if you put those on him whenever the two of you fought. Talking with other women during your dates. Seeing them the second you left his house. But you kept running back to him. What the hell was so important about a misdelivered package for his ex that he had to go hand deliver it to her, at 7pm on a Tuesday night?

“He’s delivering his package, alright.” He remembers how you choked up on the phone, troubled by the reality of the situation. Even more troubled by the fact that he refused to sugar coat his words and called it as he saw it. He wishes you really had left that day, just grabbed your stuff and left while he was with his ex.

—76 by your first “break up”.

It made him feel,,, sad? Empty? Lonely? His best friend transforming before his eyes for some guy who doesn’t see you as more than a game. Even Usagi noticed right away! So it was safe to say he’s not going crazy. But, you stayed regardless. Knowing he was doing this to other girls while with you, knowing that he lied the entire time, knowing that your friends were cutting you off to avoid having to get involved. Knowing how easy it would be to call Leo and the rest of the Hamato’s and be rid of him. But, you wanted to do this on your own, you said. And as your best friend he complied with your wishes, even though he hated it. Even though when you discussed the situation with the others they told you the same thing.

—81 the last time you talked to Leo in your second year.

Pizza supreme, it made his heart ache terribly. You’re supposed to be the smart one! And so you cut him off. A promise to keep in contact and call should the need arise. It never does. Not for another two years at least. Not until you’ve graduated and been scouted at your final presentation. Not until you finally move back to New York.

Your off-again-on-again situationship, calling him a boyfriend felt wrong, broke up with you finally. And it was official this time because he was the one to initiate it. Leo was over in an instant. Disappeared with a dismissive “Be back later” to his brothers and was by your side. He didn’t hesitate, portalling you to the lair with all your packed stuff shove into his subway car, he hauls you into the living room and plops you down on the couch. Retrieving his pillows and his softest throw blanket, he returns to you. Haphazardly making a nest before pulling you to him and forcing you to lay down.

Mandatory Jupiter Jim marathon to ease your troubles and fill in the silence of the lair as you sobbed into his plastron. Leo hated seeing you like that knowing he couldn’t do anything. You were best friends, and it was perfect! He did not need to ruin that by telling you how much better he’d treat you. How much better he already does treat you- No. He wouldn’t pressure you into an ultimatum, it needed to come naturally from you. Especially would not be doing so after him and Usagi were doing so well.

A confession would make things change. And everything had finally calmed down. No more Kraang, no more Cassandra trying to kill them, Raphael finally showing signs of recovery from his episodes, no more secrets between the boys and their dad, April and you graduating University. No, this was nice.

Even when his brothers returned from the mission and chewed him out for ditching them. Even when Usagi came to see why he went AWOL for their date. When they heard your sniffles they all came over to ensure your safety. The people who care about you most wanting to ease the pain and offering to fix it. “The offer still stands to remove him from the equation permanently.” Donnie had said before he placed his hand on your shoulder, light squeeze before everyone turned their attention to the movie. This was your home, Leo thought as he periodically rubbed his hands up the expanse of your back. Extremely pleased with himself when you would curl into him, head tucked low in his shoulder as you nodded off.

Having you pressed against him, hot puffs of breath in crook of his neck from where you fell asleep against his shoulder. Claiming they were the perfect pillow despite his rough textured scales or the strong muscles beneath them. One hand clinging to the top of his plastron as if to hold him in place as his own arms wrap around your waist. His calloused thumb caresses your cheek. Wiping away the stray tears that kept falling even in your sleep. Usagi on the other side of you, hugging you from behind in his sleep. His soft hand overtop yours and Leo’s in an unspoken promise to remain close.

Getting to share in your space was just enough for him. But just maybe he could convince you to stay with him and Usagi.

[themovieblogonline]

The Best Plane Movie You'll See This Month

PLANE is a great date movie option that you should absolutely consider if you're weighing your options.  In the white-knuckle action movie PLANE, pilot Brodie Torrance (Gerard Butler) saves his passengers from a lightning strike by making a risky landing on a war-torn island - only to find that surviving the landing was just the beginning. When most of the passengers are taken hostage by dangerous rebels, the only person Torrance can count on for help is Louis Gaspare (Mike Colter), an accused murderer who was being transported by the FBI. In order to rescue the passengers, Torrance will need Gaspare’s help, and will learn there’s more to Gaspare than meets the eye. https://youtu.be/-2rLRg1skRs THE GOOD I think this movie seems perfect for streaming. Plane is a film with a simple title and premise that would seem at home as a Netflix original. The movie is getting its chance to shine in theaters in a typically quiet January season. Plane is a movie that thrusts you into a story with our heroes flying into an increasingly dangerous situation. The stakes increase quickly as the movie races back and forth between suspenseful circumstances and heart-pumping action. Gerard Butler calmly navigates us through a crash landing that seems way too scarily plausible. I felt Twighlight Zone vibes watching the inevitability of the situation as Brodie calmly navigated the plane through a crash landing. Gerard Butler isn't presented as Rambo and he's not plowing over these dudes in this jungle. this is someone trying their best to fake it til they make it and live. He then leads us to the highlight of the action which is a decent fight in the jungle halfway through the movie proving Gerard Butler still is still a natural when it's time to do an action scene. Plane is breathtaking with the movie moving at a fast pace quickly diving into danger. Gerard Butler and Mike Colter are an odd couple that works around each better than they do alone. The movie quickly shows us each of their strengths and wisely moves the movie quickly for them to showcase what they can do. Mike Colter's Louis Gaspare is fun, charismatic, and can speak french! Gerard's character Brodie Torrance is quiet, cautious, and calculating. They complement each other well for this movie so I really like their casting for this fun movie. THE BAD I can't tell you who the bad guy is in this movie. Actually, I can, it's this guy who plays Junmar.  I can't tell you much about his character or his motive resulting in his character feeling like pure plot convenience. He is a pirate in need of hostages and hostages conveniently crash land in his backyard. Junmar is evidence that Plane is not clear on what kind of story it wants to tell. Plane flirts with being both an action movie and a suspense movie without fully committing to either and it shows. There are a lot of plot conveniences that save our heroes at the last minute that remove the sense of danger. The plane landing is miraculous enough but it's surreal when the crash survivors are able to find food and construct shelter for themselves with relative ease. I think Mike Colter's Louis Gaspare deserves more character expansion and development. Louis periodically shares a sentence here and there about himself but we're not shown very much at all. I think Mike Colter performs well. My issue is that the writing does his character a disservice. Louis Gaspare has a severe lack of character development and we don't learn his true motivation. Louis is mostly presented as a weapon that Brodie uses to kill soldiers that he is unwilling to kill himself. Overall PLANE may look like it's made for streaming but it's a fun movie to watch in a big loud theater. The action and performances are all great even though the plot and writing leave much to be desired. PLANE may not be an award contender but is entertaining enough to make it a worthy option for a date night at the theater. Read the full article

[yelenaslyubov]

A Girl Worth Waiting For

main masterlist || florence pugh || requests

pairing: florence pugh x female reader

warnings: MINORS DNI (18+) smut, oral (reader receiving), language, some fluff, mentions of heartbreak, drinking

description: after another terrible family party, you find yourself outside your best friends door. little do you know she’s having just as hard of a time as you, but she has a different way of getting out that pain.

word count: 4.7k

Your feet hurt, you were cold, and honestly you were a little bit tipsy from the few glasses of champagne you had downed. The family party you were forced to attend every year never failed to make you extremely miserable. You never understood the point of meeting up once a year to mingle with blood relatives you didn’t really like in the first place. It was the same every time. Force a fake smile, tell them again why you dropped out of university only to see their disapproving glares, all while they try to set you up with their neighbor's cousin or something ridiculous like that.

You lasted as long as you could before walking over to your mother, whispering that you were heading out. She was displeased, but you were used to the expression of disappointment written across her face. You were practically an expert at bringing that out of her you had learned.

The crowd of people in the room parted as you walked through them. You didn’t have the time nor the patience to say goodbye to everyone, so you left without another word.

Your dress didn’t allow for much warmth when you got outside into the big city. You were just hoping you would be able to catch a taxi before you froze to death.

Once the taxi pulled up, you realized you had no idea where you were going to go. It now only dawned on you that you left the party that was in your own house. The champagne must have gone through you quicker than you thought.

The driver pulled away from the curb while you thought about where you could go. You gave him directions which turned out to only be about a few blocks away and you hoped that the person you wanted right now would be there waiting.

You pulled in front of the large and luxurious apartment building and got out of the cab to walk over to the buzzer. You pressed the button to the correct apartment number and spoke into it.

“Hey Flo it’s me, are you in there? If you are, let me in please, I’m turning into a popsicle,” you said into the speaker as you shivered.

“Hey! Come right up,” she responded cheerily and you heard the buzz, indicating you could come inside.

You and Florence had met a few years back conveniently at an after party. A few of your family members had connections to the industry so you were delighted when they invited you to go. It was the one good thing that came from your family, the amazing friendship that blossomed between you and Florence.

It was a secret that you kept ever since you met her that you had a little crush on her, it was extremely hard not to. The one thing standing in your way was her current boyfriend. You obviously respected her enough not to interfere, especially when you knew he made her so happy. But it was hard not to wish he was you instead.

You had met up with Florence about a month prior since she was filming a movie in New York. It was your home city so you didn’t get to see her often except for when you would visit each other. Zach knew of the deep friendship with you and his girlfriend because of the endless amount of facetime calls the two of you went through. You also knew this was his apartment so you had to be weary.

Once you made it up to their floor, you walked down the hallway until you approached the door. You wanted to physically prepare yourself and give yourself a mental pep talk. It was something you did to remind yourself to stay in line because now that you were less sober than usual, it wouldn’t be hard to let something happen. You went to knock on the door but it swung open to reveal a smiling Florence.

“Hi!” she said excitedly and pulled you into a hug while Billie whined at your feet and jumped up against you.

“Hi Flo, I hope it’s okay I dropped by. I wasn’t sure if you would still be here or not. Hi to you too, Billie girl,” you talked to the pup to calm her down.

“Oh are you kidding, it’s no problem. I’m happy to see you.” She pulled away from the hug and closed the door. The two of you got a good look at each other and you smiled, playing with her hair a bit.

“I like the new hair. I saw pictures, but it looks even better in person I have to say.” She blushed a little and thanked you.

“Can we talk about that dress for a second?” she smirked. “Not going to lie, it’s pretty hot.”

You had no idea how to respond so you settled for shaking your head to brush her off. If you hadn’t, it would have been all too easy to start something you couldn’t finish.

“So, is Zach not home?” you asked while walking deeper into the apartment and looking around.

“No, he’s away tonight. You can stay here if you’d like? I would kind of enjoy the company.”

“Uhm that sounds nice. Thanks,” you smiled over your shoulder. “You mind if I shower?”

“Nope, go right ahead. I’ll just be out here waiting.”

“I’ll need to borrow some clothes too, is that alright?”

“Yeah, just help yourself to whatever you’d like, babe.”

“Thanks again, Flo.”

You walked into her room and started looking for something comfortable to wear while trying to get the ringing of the nickname she called you out of your head. While you were looking through clothes, you happened to notice that all of Zach’s things were nowhere to be found. You brushed it off as a coincidence because you figured you were reading too much into the situation. You entered the bathroom with fresh clothes in hand while you cleaned up.

When you were done and getting dressed again, you noticed again that none of Zach’s belongings were there on the counter where they had been the time before. You were starting to think that something was going on, but you wanted to figure out more before you confronted her about it.

Billie was laying at the base of the bathroom door and jumped up as soon as you opened it. “Hey Billie girl, you been waiting here the whole time?”

“She has!” Florence yelled from the room over. “She loves when you come over because she knows you give her human food.”

You looked down at the dog as she walked along right beside you. “Is that true? You use me for food?” you asked Billie with fake enthusiasm.

Florence smiled as you reentered the room and sat down beside her on the couch. You sighed heavily and threw your head back, closing your eyes to relax.

“You alright, love?” she asked you, placing her hand on your leg.

“Yeah, it’s just these parties are draining,” you said as you raised your head back up.

“Oh no, what was it this time?”

You sat up and saw the bottle of half drunk liquor with two glasses placed beside it. You poured a little in a glass and let it run down your throat with a sting. “Mm, just the same bullshit they bring up every year. ‘What are you doing in school? Oh you dropped out, that’s a shame. Where’s your boyfriend? When are you going to date again? I have a handsome son, I could introduce the two of you.’”

She laughed at you mocking everyone’s voices. “I am sorry though, I know that’s been tough for you.”

“It’s whatever, I can handle it once a year I guess.”

“Still doesn’t make it any easier.”

“No it does not.”

Silence fell across the room now except for the ticking of a clock in the distance and the TV that was on a low volume. You looked around the living room from your seat, and also into the kitchen. And to no surprise, none of Zach’s things were there either. You could see every indication that Florence had been here, but no trace of her boyfriend's tracks. You wanted to bring up the topic without making it too obvious.

“So where’s Zach tonight?” You put on a fake smile and looked over at her.

It seemed she did the same thing. “He’s just out with some friends, he’ll be back tomorrow most likely.”

She immediately turned back around and watched the TV. You always could tell when she was lying, and this was one of those times. She looked like she wasn’t completely there in the room with you, looking forlorn and upset. Something was up and an obvious clue was the fact she had a bottle of alcohol out on the table, and you were sure she had been vegging on it before you arrived. It wasn’t abnormal for her to be drinking, but she usually always made the drink instead of drinking it straight from the bottle.

You watched her out of the corner of your eye as she scooted closer to you, snuggling up to your side. She was clingy most times with you and loved to cuddle, but more so when she was upset. You never did mind, raising your arm so she could lay against your side.

It had been a few minutes and she was still focused on the movie that was on. You wanted to bring up the subject sooner than later so you could get to the bottom of it. You reached for the remote on the table and muted the volume.

“Flo…” you said to get her attention and she hummed in reply. “Can you be honest with me for a second?”

She sat up off your body and looked at you in confusion. “It depends on what you ask, but I guess so.”

You sat up straighter up against the arm of the couch and locked eyes with her. She immediately had trouble maintaining eye contact which made you believe she had something to hide. There was never a moment when she wouldn’t look you straight in the eyes, and you knew this because every time she did, it made you extremely flustered.

“So I don’t want to pry or make you uncomfortable, but I can tell you’re not yourself tonight. Every time I see you, you’re in such a good mood and crack jokes every chance you get. Tonight it feels like you're not present, like your mind is somewhere else. I’ve never seen you drink like this, you look sad which makes me sad, and I see no evidence of Zach’s things being here. Tell me what’s going on Flo so I can help.”

As soon as she really looked at you, she broke down. Her face was buried in her hands as she let out painful sobs. You weren’t sure what to do because you had never seen her like this.

“He’s gone,” she mumbled.

“Oh Flo, I’m sorry. Come here.” It didn’t take her any time before crawling over to you and sitting in your lap. Her cries soaked through your shirt and rang in your ear. You felt terrible because you knew there wasn’t anything you could do to make her feel better at this moment, but you would try everything you could.

“Do you want to talk about it?” you asked softly, rubbing her back.

“Uhm, we’d been having problems for a while ever since the movie wrapped. They were all stupid reasons to fight, but it didn’t stop him from leaving. He went back to LA and told me I could stay here until I found something to do.”

“That asshole,” you muttered under your breath. You ran your fingers through her short blonde hair and pulled her head back to hold it in your hands, staring at her sad eyes. “Listen to me, it’s going to hurt for a while, I know it will. Soon enough you’re going to find that it’s all okay again and it worked out for the better. It’s a shame he can’t see you the way I see you. It’s his loss.”

Her brows were knitted together now. “What do you mean the way you see me? How do you see me?”

You internally cursed at yourself for letting something simple like that slip. She asked, so now you needed to find an answer that didn’t sound suspicious.

“Well, I see the most kind and hardworking person I know. You’re so strong and beautiful and can handle anything thrown in your path. This time is no different. If you need me to come over everyday so we can talk or if you need company, I’ll do it for as long as I can. I want you to be comfortable and not stay here alone. This is about you and I want to be here for you, however long it may take.”

There were tears in her eyes again, but they didn’t seem to be tears of sadness. It turned out that she really needed to hear that. Ever since the two of them split she had spent all of her free time wondering where she went wrong and what she did to deserve this. In all honesty, it was never her fault in the first place.

She stayed this way for a few seconds longer before her hand moved up to cup the side of your face. You leaned into her touch and smiled, but there was not a smile on her face. Her face had an almost unreadable expression which suddenly started to make you nervous. It made sense as to why when she started to lean in closer to your face. Her lips quickly connected with yours, but you quickly pulled away and broke the short lived kiss.

“What are you doing?” you asked surprised. You weren’t sure why you even had said that since you had practically been yearning to kiss her from the moment you laid eyes on her.

She hid her face in embarrassment. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what compelled me to do that. I guess I misinterpreted what was happening. I made it awkward now, god I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay you didn’t make it awkward,” you chuckled while pulling her hands away from her face to look at her.

“I didn’t?”

“No, not at all.”

“Are you saying…you wanted it?”

You looked down and away from her eyes that were now starting to get you flustered like normal. There really was no avoiding the question because even if you didn’t answer, she would know the real answer.

“Uh, I’m not really sure what to say.”

“It’s a yes or no question, love.”

“Again with the nicknames,” you shook your head and stared at her through your eyelashes. Your body tensed as she started getting closer to you again until she was adjusted on your lap and her arms were wrapped around your neck.

“I think you want to kiss me,” she whispered. “Is that right?”

You stared at her long and hard before giving her a faint nod, allowing her to do whatever she wanted. She leaned in again, but this time it was with more certainty, like this was exactly what she wanted and nothing was going to stand in the way of it. Her lips felt so incredibly perfect and there wasn’t anywhere else you would rather be in the world.

She held onto the hairs by the back of your neck in desperation, almost afraid that you may pull away again. There was no way that was happening this time.

You pulled her hips down flush against yours and the moan she elicited traveled from her lips onto yours, sending sparks of heat down into your core. The feeling was almost indescribable as her tongue brushed against your lip and decidedly entered your mouth. Both your tongues slid past the others as you shared several frantic open mouth kisses.

It was hard to believe anything like this was actually happening, but you convinced yourself it was true as her lips moved away from your mouth and traveled across your jawline. There seemed to be no place that was left untouched by her lips around your face and neck.

While she was most definitely leaving a hickey that would be hard to cover tomorrow, her hands fumbled with the bottom of her shirt you were wearing. Her hands were ice cold on your stomach, making your skin crawl in the best way. She looked up at you as a form of consent and you nodded right away.

You became increasingly nervous when it hit you that she was about to see you half naked. When the shirt was scrunched up under your neck, she helped it over your head. Your arms instinctively covered your exposed chest a bit.

She looked at you with a small pout and pulled your hands away from your chest. “You don’t have to cover up around me, babe. You’re so beautiful.”

You had trouble believing her words, but you smiled at the compliment. Your hand on the back of her neck pulled her down to your face, sharing another deep kiss before you gasped out of surprise. The pad of her thumb brushed and circled your hardened nipple, while still sharing a kiss. You whimpered a little onto her lips as she continued to toy with your nipples which made her smirk.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those pretty sounds of yours,” she whispered, which only made your arousal grow immensely. Her lips were now moving their way down your neck again and down to your chest.

Even as the two of you grew closer to the moment you had been waiting for, you still felt a little guilty. You knew she was most likely doing this to fill the gap of her absent boyfriend, but that didn’t mean you wanted her to stop.

“Flo,” you tried to get her attention but she was too focused on latching her lips to your nipple. “Florence, stop for a second.”

The use of her full name led her to stop her actions and look up at you concerned. “What is it, baby? Did I do something?”

“No no, you didn’t do anything. It’s just- I don’t want to feel like I’m taking advantage of you while you’re upset. What I’m trying to get at is, are you sure you want to do this…with me, right now?”

She smiled and laughed to herself, almost as if you had said something funny. “Are you kidding, of course I want to. Plus, it’s not getting taken advantage of if you want it too. So I should ask you, is this okay? Because I can stop and-”

“Yes,” you interrupted. “I want to. I want you.”

She leaned in close again and pecked your lips a few times. “Good because I was just getting started, darling.”

You giggled and wrapped your arms around her neck to prevent her from leaving. The two of you stayed entangled in each other’s arms for a while longer, just sharing lustful kisses that tainted every other kiss before hers.

“Bills,” she mumbled on your lips. “Go lay down.” The dog followed suit and ran into the bedroom away from you.

You laughed as Florence switched to sucking and biting at your sweet spot. “You’re scared of the dog watching us have sex?”

“Obviously, I don’t need her seeing what’s mine.”

You shook your head and sighed loudly, still not fully convinced this whole situation was real. Her mouth traveled between the valley of your breasts, slowly placing deliberate wet kisses on your skin. Her hands kept running up and down the sides of your waist which didn’t help with the want between your legs.

Suddenly while her lips were still attached to your skin, she ran two of her fingers over the fabric of your shorts, feeling the wetness and heat already waiting there for her. The contact of it made you arch your back slightly, quietly begging for any more touch she was willing to give you.

“God, I want to feel you so bad,” she moaned across your skin.

“I’m not stopping you, Flossie.” That nickname was all she needed as motivation. She smiled and moved lower to hover over your legs.

“Is it alright if I take these off then?” You nodded eagerly at her request.

She hooked her fingers around the waistband of her shorts that you were wearing, along with your panties. While she pulled them down, her eyes never left yours which was enough to drive you insane and look away instantly. You could feel the coldness against your skin now that all layers of your clothes had been tossed away, but you still refused to look at her because then it would make everything all the more real.

“Baby,” she whispered in a voice enough to make you weak in the knees. “Look at me.”

Your eyes changed to look down at her green eyes where she had a soft smile across her lips. You felt like you could melt right on the spot. She was the most beautiful person, inside and out, that you had ever met and you couldn’t believe that she wanted you in this way.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” she asked.

“Yes…please,” you mumbled.

One of your hands was resting down by your hip and she held it in one of her hands, keeping it laying there. You slightly squeezed onto it and gasped when you felt her other hand come in contact with your core. Her thumb drew tight circles on your clit while she watched you already get worked up at her touch. Your other hand was soon buried in the back of her short blonde hair, instinctively pushing her closer to you.

“Patience, love. You’ll get what you want soon,” she said in an amused tone.

“Please Flo, I need to feel you.”

“Well since you asked so nicely,” she smirked.

After that, since you had waited so long she decided not to tease you any longer, giving you exactly what you wanted. Her tongue licked between your folds, picking up the surrounding arousal she caused. You could hear muffled and breathy curses being let out under her breath at the taste of you.

You continued to squeeze her hand while her thumb traced the skin on your lower stomach, and her other hand was wrapped around your thigh as she ventured deeper. Her tongue ran up the length of your pussy with just the right amount of pressure to drive you mad. She stopped right on your clit where she rolled the bundle of nerves around with her tongue.

“Fuck,” you whimpered and squeezed your legs together, trapping her head between them.

She pried one open farther with her hand as she ran her fingers against the skin on the inside of your leg. “Shhh, it’s alright. Just relax, baby.”

Your body seemed to settle down at her words, sinking more into the couch. She started again where she left off, this time latching her lips onto your clit and lightly sucking, making you release sinful moans. Your thoughts were clouded only by pleasure, thinking only of the way her mouth felt so perfect against you and the way her hands ran so purposefully on your skin. The groan she evoked from within you rang through the room when her teeth grazed your clit.

“Why don’t you be a little louder, darling,” she half chuckled.

“Shut up,” you breathed heavily, trying your best not to laugh too.

She moved lower now, feeling her tongue inch inside your pussy slowly, getting used to the feeling. You could feel your high approaching faster now with every stroke of her tongue. She started off slow, but eventually picked up the pace until you could feel the tip brushing farther up and hitting the wall inside you.

Her green eyes flicked up to stare at you as you were left in an almost euphoric state at her command. You looked down when you could feel her gaze right on you. What you saw made your stomach flutter and your body squirm. She had never looked this hot, eating you out like this was exactly where she wanted you as soon as you walked through the door earlier that night.

You felt her smirk as she continued to pump faster with her tongue inside your entrance. You could feel yourself teetering towards the beginning of your orgasm as she picked up the pace. When you felt her button nose unintentionally brushing against your clit while her tongue was still inside you, your legs trembled as you came undone around her. She never stopped her movements as you rode out your high with a melody of moans that were so perfectly created for her.

She pulled away as you were left breathless with closed eyes. Her hands traced all the curves of your body, having the chance to study every exposed part of your skin before it was covered again.

Your eyes fluttered open when you felt her laying on one half of you with her head hovering above yours. Her hands brushed the side of your cheek and moved some of the lingering hair away so she could look at you clearly.

“I’m glad you came over,” she whispered while drawing little circles on your cheek with her thumb.

“I’m kind of glad I came over too,” you smiled.

She leaned in and you met her in the middle, your lips meeting together again to share a kiss. You missed the way her lips felt against yours even with the small amount of time they were apart. You never thought there could be such an amazing feeling. She moved away, but placed a kiss on each cheek, your forehead, then your nose before she stopped and looked at you sincerely.

“Go on a date with me,” she blurted out.

“Go on a date with you? Are you sure? It’s still a little bit soon, don’t you-”

“Please,” she interrupted softly. “I’ve wanted you for so long, I don’t think I can wait any longer now that I’ve had you like this.”

You then smiled, nodding your head in agreement. “If that’s what you want, then I’ll go on a date with you. I’ve been wanting this- you, for a long time too.” She laughed against your lips at your reply and you swore there was no sweeter sound in the world.

You shared a few more kisses before you tried to get up to put yourself back together and see how ruffled up you looked. “Please don’t go,” she said. “Can we please just stay like this, for a little while at least?”

“Of course, Flossie,” you smiled at her fondly, then settled yourself back into the sofa.

She reached from behind her to drag a blanket across the two of you. Once you were bundled up, she adjusted so her arms were wrapped around your still naked body and her head was laying up between your chest and shoulder. You whistled for Billie to come back and you watched as Florence glared at you.

You could hear the dog rushing into the room and she saw the two of you on the couch. She jumped up on top of you both, making Florence groan in pain.

“Really, you dickhead? You had to call the dog in here,” she said through laughs so you knew she was joking.

“Duh, I wanted her to come cuddle with us.”

Once the dog settled down, she laid directly on Florence’s back with her head laying on the back of her shoulder. You looked down to see Florence almost asleep and you couldn’t help but smile. You had your two little loves and the only thought you were left with was how perfect your first date had to be with the woman you waited so long for.

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[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

"Tom Riddle effectively destroys the country from the inside out, which I believe was his true goal the entire time" (c) wait a second, so you think that he wasn't going to really take over or anything, just destroy the fuck out of w britain?

I have avoided this ask long enough.

I’ll start by saying that asking me about Tom Riddle is like staring down into a bottomless rabbit hole. We could travel down that path, but it is a dark and perilous journey, and by the end of it I will come out looking like the Mad Hatter.

It also requires a few prerequisites that you’re just going to accept as true (or else got off the crazy train here).

We know very little about Tom Riddle or Voldemort

What we do know of Tom Riddle comes to us from suspect sources

I’m just going to go out there and start with the basis that Tom is not crazy

Elaborating a little on number 1. We never actually see much of Tom Riddle or Voldemort directly. He’s a bit like Thanos in the MCU, or Palpatine in the first two movies of the Original Trilogy, he’s this looming threat that we pass by and glimpse every once in a while but never really get quality time with.

Generally, Voldemort makes an appearance in a moment of crisis.

He and Harry fight over the philosopher’s stone for Tom’s very survival. He and Harry fight over the diary for Tom’s very survival. He resurrects himself with Harry as a witness. We get those very strange dreams from Voldemort’s perspective (half of which we later learn are fabricated).

None of these really lend to our, or Harry’s for that matter, understanding of Tom Riddle. There’s too much going on, it usually happens far too fast, and there’s usually something Tom Riddle desperately wants or needs that eclipses all other concerns or else he has an audience.

This is part of the reason we get those Halfblood Prince pensieve lessons: Harry knows nothing of Tom Riddle and doesn’t understand him at all.

Which leads us, of course, to number 2, most of what we know about Tom Riddle comes from Dumbledore. I’ve talked about this before, so I won’t spend much time on it, but Dumbledore has a very clear agenda in relaying these memories to Harry. Dumbledore already has strong suspicions of what objects are horcruxes and where they’re located, he already has Snape as a very reliable agent to continue work when he’s gone, his job here is to convince Harry there is no path but suicide. And that involves portraying Tom Riddle as the most evil man who ever eviled, was born eviler than the antichrist, and will die eviler than the antichrist. 

Now, does this make Tom necessarily good or bad? No.

However, it does mean when Dumbledore tells us things like, “See, Harry, an impoverished child was upset when I lit all his belongings on fire! What a monster!” (especially given that, in a similar situation, Harry thought it was hilarious when Hagrid gave Dudley a permanent physical deformity and Harry was told he was an angel child) we should take it with a very large grain of salt.

Right, so, with all that backdrop what I’m getting at is that a) we can’t take Dumbledore at his word b) even if we could he could be wrong c) Harry doesn’t have the introspection to be able to figure himself when a or b is happening. I won’t elaborate on this last much, suffice to say that Harry’s world is very black and white, divided into the camps of those who personally like him and those who don’t.

So, why do I think Tom’s goal was not to rule the wizarding world but instead to destroy it?

A few things.

First, there are so many easier ways he could have ended up ruling the wizarding world. More, even when he effectively does rule the wizarding world in book seven, he takes very strange actions so that he’s never directly in power.

Second, I never really bought Tom’s racism. It’s too convenient and too contradictory with his backstory.

The second first, because we’re going out of order today. I’ve gone over this before, but I don’t believe Tom had minions early and I think he was effectively treated as a muggleborn (see here and here) until he took on the Voldemort persona many decades later. I’m hard pressed to believe someone as intelligent, angry, and proud as Tom Riddle would willingly believe and accept he was inferior to the likes of Abraxas Malfoy. More, even if he wished he was a halfblood, I think the evidence of him being muggleborn would be stacked too high against him to deny even to himself (and when he finds out it’s not true, he has maybe a month or so before he realized that he’s the bastard son of a squib). 

And it’s just so convenient. All the people with the power, with the money, who are itching for a cause against a threat that doesn’t really exist believe in blood purity. Ergo, Voldemort shows up suddenly espousing over the top blood purity rhetoric (rhetoric that directly clashes with his “there is only power” philosophy at that). 

In other words, I think Tom Riddle gave himself a line that he knew would get him places very quickly.

And now for the first. For a guy who has had the entire country in the palm of his hands twice, one time taking it over in a bloodless coup, he’s really big on causing collateral damage and really small on actually doing the ruling thing.

The first wizarding war, Tom Riddle as Voldemort has the backing of the heirs of the most prestigious and wealthy noble houses save a select few. These are people with seats in the Wizengamot, which has a frightening control over the government itself (including the minister of magic). I imagine, in 1980 had Tom Riddle wanted to be elected as Minister of Magic, he would have been elected as Minister of Magic. If he wanted a friendly face in office then he probably could have made that happen to.

More than even this though, by this point, Tom had already won. By having control over the majority of the Wizengamot he owns the government. He’s done, it’s over, it’s finished, and many of the characters admit as much which is why Harry Potter was such a miracle. So why all the seemingly random, exceptionally pointless, terrorism? 

One answer is that Voldemort is crazy bananas. And sure, I guess we can go with that, except for someone insane he’s oddly effective and very consistent. 

I believe Tom was systematically destroying the very foundations of the country through its core aristocratic families. Within a few short years Tom decimates the Black family, it goes from having five heirs to none, and while some of this isn’t Tom’s fault he does take care of quite a few of them. He brands Lucius for life, while Lucius rises high in politics he never escapes the stigma of being a known Death Eater and in the end cannot escape the consequences for his actions. The Malfoy family is very nearly destroyed by the end of the series, had Draco died in the Fiendfyre. The LeStrange family, presumably decimated as well.

More, this is mostly me headcanoning, but I imagine Tom fuels an extremism that the Wizarding World had never contemplated. I imagine, previously, anti-muggleborn sentiment was probably fairly rampant among purebloods. Oh, some were very pro-muggleborn I’m sure, but I think most were fairly “eh” on the people and felt they were a drain on society (such as requiring constant funding for the obliviation department).

However, when Diagon Alley starts getting blown up every other week, when muggleborns start being tortured and murdered, when purebloods who aren’t anti-muggleborn enough are being tortured and murdered, this starts wigging people out in a way they’ve never wigged out before.

By the time we get to Harry Potter’s canon, it is now only a minority that are anti-muggleborn, and they’re perceived as raving lunatics. Nobody wants to be grouped with these people. Which, just goes to show, how much Voldemort rattles the wizarding world in a very small amount of time.

Then there’s Deathly Hallows, rather than become minister himself Voldemort installs a puppet minister. He shows no signs of wishing to change this and instead does things like destroy the sorting hat (which again shakes the very foundations of the wizarding world as whta will we do if we don’t know who’s a Gryffindor anymore?!)

So, where is this ramble going?

Given the results we see, that more than any others it seems to be the purebloods and often Tom’s own followers that suffer colossal losses, I think Tom’s actions are, in part, a means of vengeance against the entire damn wizarding world (but especially the purebloods).

He makes fools of these people, brands them as his slaves, and has them participate in the most over the top ridiculous rituals (the cloaks, the masks, the entire theatrics of it feels like Tom got drunk one night and planned this whole thing out). He destroys them entirely, and better, enables them to completely destroy themselves and the country they believe they’re trying to save.

Basically, I think by the time the series begins Tom is fueled by a nihilist rage that knows no bounds. But dammit all, the wizarding world is going to burn.

[river-bottom-nightmare]

an (incomplete) list of things kon can do because lex luthor is his dad that people always forget about:

#1 : math - he's fifteen, and math comes easy to him (unlike a lot of people his age, or at least, his visible age.) a lot of things come easy to him, because when you have all knowledge in the known universe downloaded into your brain, things like advanced math don't bother you very much.

but it bothers his friends, because bart loses interest about three seconds into the assignments, cassie groans anytime "homework" is brought up in general, and tim hates the concept and execution of math so much that he'd rather hide in kon's room where he thinks no one will look for him instead of even cracking open a textbook.

but kon's pretty sure being a hero means you don't need any real world skills, and after his initial hesitation and disagreements, he realized that he genuinely wants these people to like him, to be friends with him. their math homework is easier than a breeze to complete.

#2 : tying a tie the ~fancy~ way - he's nineteen, and his fingers flow through a silk tie like a fish through water. the motions are beyond familiar, he could do them in his sleep. so is the action of pulling on a suit, pressing his collar, arranging his hair into a neat style. he's timothy drake-wayne's date tonight, and he needs to look the part. fortunately, luthor taught him how to look the part a long the ago.

the party itself is,,,,pleasant, he supposes. he spends most of the time as arm candy, tim's pretty little thing as his boyfriend sweet-talked investors and networked. but they both know that the tipsier people are, the easier they let slip secrets to someone they believe won't understand them, and kon gathers a wealth of information by the time he meets up with tim by the appetizer bar right before dinner.

tim tugs him close by his tie and kisses his cheek, then laughs when kon discreetly but disgustedly spits out the pickled salmon cracker toppings.

#3 : educated debating - he's sixteen, and in an argument with tim that's gone so off the rails that kon can't even remember what they were fighting about in the first place. wherever they started, they were here, now, kon on top of a table in an ice cream parlour screaming about how a socialist approach to taxes would boost the lower class, tim on top of a barstool screaming right back about how the middle class are the only ones paying taxes and socialism would only put more weight on their shoulders.

both of them are this close to busting out laughing, and the only reason they haven't been thrown out is because the employee behind the counter is frantically taking notes. kon can see it in tim's eyes, see the way the younger boy didn't expect to hold such a passionate and intense debate with him, didn't expect kon to be capable of it. it's a pleasant surprise, though; that much is evident in tim's barely-hidden grin.

the debate comes to a pause when bart smacks him with a spoon and tells him off for stepping on the speedster's ice cream, and the tiredness with which he collapses back into the booth is a good one.

#4 : efficient + effective workplace supervision - he's twenty, and wondering how in the hell people hadn't murdered the entirety of young justice when it was first founded. bart had graduated to being the flash's full time sidekick, and though he came to visit often, it wasn't the same. gotham was almost always on the verge of imminent disaster these days, and tim was one of the few ropes holding it together. kon missed him like crazy, but his few visits were all the boy could spare. cassie was in charge now, and she was a wonderful leader, but busy, always smoothing over relations between the team and the justice league and civilian offices.

so, somehow, that left kon to be the den mother to all the new younger kids, and somehow, kon was good at it. he knew exactly what to say to get people to listen to his commands, telling them to work on this or work on that, train for this and practice that. he tells them when to get some sleep and let the weight of the day roll off their shoulders, and when to push themselves to raise them higher than they ever thought they could go. unexpectedly, he finds himself liking it.

#5 : the splits

#6 : colour schemes + interior decorating - he's twenty-one, and tim's finally deciding to turn the nest into a home. bart, who had spent the last couple of years bouncing between allen-west-mercury households and was therefore accustomed to a home with a fire of love reaching every corner and every member of the family, was appalled. so was kon, honestly.

the penthouse that tim worked out of was cold and impersonal, sleek lines that angles that matched the limbs and contours of tim's body. but the shadows around tim's eyes had lessed over the past few years, his smile coming to his lips almost as easy as when young justice first learned how to work together. all it took was a little encouragement from cassie, and suddenly, all four of them were involved in a home renovation project.

cassie churned out ikea furniture like it was nothing, the three of them taking a break from their jobs to just watch her as she lifted one of their hardwood bookshelves with one hand. bart bought home goods and essentials from various department stores and ran around, stocking the house with them wherever he felt a saucepan needed to be hung (near the coat hanger) or a candle holder needed to be placed (on the kitchen barstools, because apparently those were decorative anyway).

kon, meanwhile, decorated. he painted rooms and bought curtains and pillows, yes. but he also sorted through every single souvenir and memory the four of them had managed to accumulate over the years, photographs and hacked-off pieces of giant robots and saved movie tickets and broken weapons. he gets his hands on everything he can find, then fills up tim's nest until it's brimming with a cosy warmth made up of the four of them.

still, it's an obnoxiously large penthouse, so there's empty and open space left over even after redecorating. it's tim who takes a breath and works up the courage to tell them, not ask but tell them, that he wanted each of them to have their own bedroom. so bart takes the largest guest room and turns it into an explosion of colour, and cassie spends too much time decorating a room that she won't even live in most of the time. kon conspicuously notes how tim doesn't bother giving kon a room, just dumps kon's backpack on his bed and clears room in his own closet. he does wrap tim in a ttk hug though, from all the way across the room, and drinks in tim's red flush.

#7 : speed reading (no powers) - he's seventeen, and just now realizing how competitive his best friends are. cassie had long since resigned herself to being the judge and the hander-outer-of-prizes (candy from the nearest convenience store) for the speed-reading competition, but tim, kon, and bart were still in the running.

eventually, though, the pressure from holding back his powers grew too strong, and bart slumped against the back of the sofa, mournfully opening his mouth so cassie could drop a candy into it.

and then there were two.

kon thought back to the confrontation that had started this contest in the first place, robin's offhand comment about how he had to be the one to collect the data files from the company office they were infiltrating, because he was the only one who could speed-read and retain information. that had spiraled into an argument, then a challenge, then a competition, with a clear rule not to use any powers.

kon darted his eyes across the page, soaking up every word, the pages like tiny knives on the pads of his fingers as he turned them. he lost track of the page count, just reading and reading and reading until he tried to turn the page and realized there wasn't a next one. he yelled in triumph, reveling in tim's defeated groan, and settled in for cassie's quiz on the contents of the book.

#8 : sophisticated meal and wine palette - he was twenty-two, and discovering that he really, really liked tim's shocked face. they'd been friends for years now, childish hatred turned into playful bantering turned into knowing each other inside out. still, every now and then, kon did something that forced tim's eyebrows high on his head, his eyes widening just the barest bit.

right now, kon was at a dinner party with the words moral support written across his forehead. tim could handle himself remarkably well, but there was tiredness lacing the smaller boy's frame, and kon could practically see the way the tips of his soul were frazzled. so kon let tim lean into his arm and whispered jokes about luna-with-the-big-ugly-purse and martonio-who-can't-do-a-combover into his ear. or, at least, he was.

somehow he'd been drawn into a good natured argument with the man sitting just two seats down from tim and kon. friendly opinions of food had been tossed back and forth, growing more and more heated until kon looked him right in the eye and said he liked prosecco with his prosciutto, internally crowing with satisfaction at their shocked silence and sighing with pity that none of the guests here would ever try that combination out of fear of deviation. once the man had regained his sensibilities, he shot back, saying the sixth course should never serve salmon, instead regaling the fish to the amusebouche or the cheese course. kon snorted and told him fish itself was going out of style, and if he wanted to impress guests at the next dinner party he hosted, he should try serving octopus.

tim's shocked face was a pleasant surprise, but seeing the stunned, controlled blinks of everyone around him as they realized he wasn't just a pretty face was satisfying as well. even more satisfying was when he and tim said their goodbyes; while waiting for the valet, tim pressed up onto the tips of his toes and whispered promisingly in kon's ear, i fucking love your competence.

#9 : manipulating people into hating him to justify his actions - he was eighteen, and he was screaming, crying, tearing his hair out. kon didn't know what he had expected. lingering fondness? grudging acceptance? maybe a small leap for a chance at love?

it didn't matter. clark didn't want anything to do with him. and he was eighteen now, which meant clark didn't need to take care of him anymore, didn't need to pretend to pay attention to him anymore. he'd made it quite clear.

maybe that was why he found himself hesitating before saying no to amanda waller's offer. he forgot about the warnings tim gave him, though, and waller pounced on that hesitation, quicker than a panther. it was easy, it was oh so easy to let himself go with her.

besides, they had a reason to hate him now. he hadn't done anything to clark. he hadn't asked to be made. but clark had wanted nothing to do with him anyway, and didn't that sting. so if people were going to turn him away now, it was going to be for something he did.

he didn't realize how bad he was spiraling, how close he was to stepping off the lighted ledge he'd been balancing on his entire life and tumbling into the darkness below. but cassie had a stronger punch than most grown superheroes, and bart had tenaciousness written into every strand of his ginormous hair, and tim gripped his jaw so hard his fingernails dug into kon's skin and told kon that he was getting his best friend back, no matter what the hell he thought he was worth.

maybe it was madness that made him throw himself forward, still wrapped in the lasso cassie borrowed from diana, practically mauling tim's lips with his own. he was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to break down crying after he kissed someone, given past experience, but the three of them, his wonderful, wonderful friends, just hugged him tight, let him fight and shake and sob until all the rage was gone. it was the first time in a long while he'd done something in hopes that someone would look at him with love, not hatred.

#10 : waltzing - he was twenty-three, twenty three and giddy with how much time he had left. conner was with tim drake-wayne publicly now, so expectations were thrust onto him, expecting to be met.

kon tended to have more fun at events than tim ever did. granted, kon didn't have to deal with all of his coworkers drinking too much and exchanging money with secrets faster than drugs and asking tim whether or not his relationship meant he was open for still-young and handsome men who needed just a small escape from their wives. but tim wasn't trying very hard to enjoy himself either.

so kon was completely justified in tugging him towards the center of the room, in a patch of floor sparsely occupied, then pulling him as close as he dared. tim's panicked whisper of what!? was overridden by kon's laughter, but he muffled his sounds for a minute, letting tim hear the quiet music playing in the background (prerecorded and playing on speakers, not live).

understanding broke over tim's face, and he arched into kon's hold as easy as breathing. kon moved one of his hands to grip tim's wrist, and he twirled the two of them effortlessly, breathless at tim's flabbergasted expression. the rhythm was simple, and tim caught on quickly. one two three, one two twist, one two three, one two step, one two three, one two switch, one two three, one two three.

kon couldn't say they danced the night away, because a little while later tim took a break for a drink, then speeches were made, then dinner was served. by then, they were both entirely too tired to dance, longing for just a bed and a soft blanket and each other. but for those few minutes in the middle of a packed yet empty ballroom, kon and tim did lose themselves in the music, just a little bit.

i don't know shit about taxes or socialism. this got way longer than anticipated whoops. i'm tagging this "long post," but if someone asks me to put it under a cut, i'd be happy to

also jesus christ this thing is almost 2.5k words. im uploading it to ao3 later if i'm in the mood

tag list: @woahjaybird @birdy-bat-writes @anothertimdrakestan @subtleappreciation @screennamealreadyused @pricetagofficial @catxsnow @bikoncon @maplumebleue-blog-blog @sundownridg @thatsthewhump @xatanna-troy

[thecrowslullaby]

Of friends, foe and fae

chapter two - Dollhouses, butterfly nets and other deadly traps

masterpost

first | you are here | next | ao3

Out of all mythical creatures Logan did not believe in, his behaviour towards fairies has always been the oddest. 

Well. Patton supposed always wouldn't be the right word to describe it. It had started a few years ago, when they were still kids. Up until a certain point Logan had always ignored him whenever Patton tried to talk about mythical creatures. He still wasn't sure what had changed. But, for all that Logan denied it, something did change. And Patton was going to find out what it was. 

He and Logan had been friends for a long time, longer than Patton could remember. Their mothers were childhood friends and lived on the same street so it was only a matter of time before Logan and Patton became friends as well. More out of convenience than actual desire at first.

I wasn’t that Patton disliked Logan back, not really. He loved making new friends. But there was no denying that the too-thin child was different from the other kids he played with. Always sitting at the edge of a conversation. Watching. A quiet kind of curious. It was… hard to befriend him at first.

Patton supposed part of it had to do with how often Logan was sick as a child. Missing over half of the classes each year. And he was sure were it not for Logan's love of learning the man wouldn't have graduated from primary school. 

All these things combined led to Patton being Logan's only friend by the time both of them were eight. This meant that after Logan was released from the hospital, just five days after his birthday, they found themselves playing in Patton's garden. Logan reading a book in the shade while Patton set up a tea party for fairies. Patton's mum had told him not to drag Logan around too much. The boy could strain his hip again and land himself in the hospital for another two to three months. Which Patton was fine with, at that time. He could play with his tea-set on his own. 

"They aren't real, you know?"

Patton crossed his arms, glaring at Logan. He hated when Logan did this. Always trying to ruin the fun.

"Just because you haven't seen one doesn't mean they don't exist."

"Have you seen one?"

"In movies." 

"Cartoons don't count!" Logan scoffed. 

"It wasn't a cartoon! It was a movie with real people and there were tiny fairies."

Logan closed his book. Scrunching up his nose as he gave his friend a look that Patton assumed was meant to be a glare. It was hard to take him seriously when Patton could clearly tell Logan was simply mimicking his mother. "Would you believe me if I caught a fairy?" 

Logan's brows furrowed and his glasses slid slightly down his nose. He seemed to think it over for a second before he nodded. Patton beamed. 

"I'm gonna set a trap," he said as he ran into his house. His mom helped him make a little house for fairies but the door kept getting jammed, so maybe if he put it in the garden with enough sweets and water he could catch one and then prove Logan wrong. 

Hopefully the fairy wouldn't be too mad. He was going to release it as soon as he showed Logan. 

The house was heavy and Patton had to walk very slowly not to drop it. It was all worth it because as soon as he reached the garden Logan was following his every move. His book long forgotten. 

Patton patted the spot of grass to his right and Logan scrambled to sit next to him, right foot dragging a little behind him. He watched with interest as Patton undid the hinges on the roof to get a good look at the interior. 

"The door gets jammed a lot so if it closes when the fairy is inside it won't escape until we come get it out."

"You should leave some snacks in there. So it doesn't die."

"Of course I-wait. You do think we could catch a fairy?" 

"No!" Logan protested, ears going red. "But you might catch a mouse and I don't want mice to die."

"I don't believe you," Patton sing-sang, and Logan glared at him. Ears still red. “You do think they exist!”

"I don't!” Logan crossed his arms over his chest in the way adults did and Patton tried very hard not to chuckle. “But a scientist has to accept he can be proven wrong."

"If I catch a fairy will I be a scientist?" Logan scrunched up his nose in thought as he looked Patton up and down. 

"If you take notes," Logan started slowly. "Maybe they would even invite you to a big science fair."

"That sounds boring."

"I think science fairs are fun," Logan mumbled, ears growing redder, the colour spreading to his cheeks. "I like going with my mum to them."

"If I catch one I'm gonna say we found it. Then we can go together." Logan snapped his neck to look at him, wide-eyed. 

"You would?" Patton nodded. Sharing was caring and Logan looked far more excited about being a scientist than Patton. Besides, he worried about not looking smart in front of adults and Logan didn’t. Logan was so serious all the time the adults would probably listen to him.

"Yeah. You could help me make notes and everything." Logan's smile grew bigger than Patton had ever seen it and he felt his own cheeks flush. He really wanted to catch that fairy now. 

Logan turned his gaze back to the house. Still grinning ear to ear as he inspected the door. 

"We need to make sure it closes when the fairy enters."

"Hmmmm," Patton mused, looking over the door. "How do we do it?" 

"We could use a string!" Logan suggested. "So when they enter they trip over it and close the door."

"Won’t they get hurt?" 

"We could put something soft behind the door."

"Ooooh. You're so smart!" Patton smiled as Logan's cheeks went redder from the praise. 

"Well, I am a scientist." He beamed. "And you're having good ideas, too. Like using the house to trap fairies."

It was Patton's turn to beam with pride. 

"We should get some snacks. And tea for the fairies," he offered, standing up. "And the string, too. You wait here. I’ll go get it!!!!"

He ran into the house before Logan had a chance to protest, gathering supplies as quickly as he could. They worked all evening to set up the trap, but the next day when Patton wanted to investigate all he found was the door to his little house ripped out and left in the middle of their garden. Logan seemed to show no interest in locating it or even debating on what could have happened. He simply stated it was all a waste of time and they shouldn’t be hunting fairies anymore. 

It stung a bit. He tried so hard to prove it to his friend but he cast the whole idea aside as soon as they encountered some difficulties. Why Logan had suddenly changed his mind was beyond him. He had seemed so eager just a few hours ago. 

But Patton decided not to touch on the subject anymore. That is, until Logan left his backpack at Patton’s house one day. He didn't mean to peek inside, of course, but he accidentally knocked it over, sending the contents all over the floor. To his surprise, he found a book on fairies from their local library. 

He mentioned it to Logan but his friend got defensive. Slowly, he noticed other things. There were doodles, notes, and films. Logan had seemed obsessed but for all his trying Patton could never get him to admit he did like fairies after all. 

It slowly faded from an obsession into a quirk. He would catch Logan lingering over notebooks for children with colourful, painted fairies on them with a fond smile before moving on and grabbing one with a blank cover. A few books on myths placed between the stacks upon stacks of scientific books that littered Logan's apartment. So when Logan's 23rd birthday was around the corner and they both headed home for summer it came as a surprise to neither of them when Patton found himself with a neatly wrapped gift outside Logan's house on the eve of Logan's birthday. 

"What's the occasion?" he asked, and Patton could see the fond smile the nerd was desperately trying to hide. 

"It's your birthday tomorrow."

"You know I don't celebrate it." 

"But I do."

Logan laughed and shook his head but he accepted the gift nonetheless. He let Patton inside and offered him some lemonade before he slowly unwrapped the box. Careful not to rip the paper as Patton was bouncing in his seat. 

There was confusion on his face when he took the gift out and Patton almost couldn’t contain his glee at the thought of getting to explain his plan.

"Do you like them?" 

Logan stared at the gift before he finally spoke up. 

"They certainly look… sturdy," he tried, casting a glance at Patton to make sure he said the right thing. Mulling his words over before he spoke again. "Although I must admit I'm not completely sure what you expect me to do with them."

"We're going fairy hunting. Tonight." Patton beamed and he swore he saw a flash of panic on Logan's face before the nerd quickly concealed it. 

"I wasn't aware you still believed in fairies." There wasn't judgement in Logan's voice, just… caution. Patton wasn't expecting that at all. Defence? Yes. Ridicule? Maybe. But not caution.

"Well, you seemed to be awfully fond of them." Logan's eyes have gone wide as his ears reddened quickly. Patton loved that expression more than he dared admit. "So I thought we might give it a try. I never managed to catch that fairy for you like I promised."

"I'm not sure if it's… wise." Wise?

"So you do believe we could actually catch one?” Patton teased, and he didn't miss how adorably red Logan's face had gotten. The man cleared his throat, not quite able to get rid of the flush before speaking up again. 

"I suppose I could indulge you," he mused, turning the net delicately between his long fingers. "I was rather rude the last time we attempted fairy hunting."

Patton grinned. Everything was going according to plan. He didn't expect to catch one, of course, but something told him Logan would enjoy this outing even if they won't be successful. And, well. He would be lying if he said he wasn't looking forward to a midnight picnic with Logan.

[gnocchighoul]

the undateables + a touch starved mc

Diavolo

This fucking guy abducted you and made you go to demon-college, the very least he can do is spare you some hugs.

Prince, Lord, Beefcake -- you don’t give a single flying damn about titles or customs. Much like a heat-seeking, pouch dwelling animal, all you care about is snuggles.

He’s Very surprised when you just waltz up to him one day at RAD and ask him for a hug. Seriously, nobody has the gall to do that.

Except for you, apparently. 

Needless to say, he is SO down. 

Diavolo is the prince of the Devildom and also of being touch-starved. Pretty much everyone is afraid of him, and Lucifer is a stingy meanie that wont give him hugs :(

He’s so excited that he doesn’t say anything, just picks you up and practically squeezes the life out of you. 

It’s wonderful and you decide that sacrificing your ability to breathe is well worth the payoff.

After you approach him a handful of times for hugs, he’s eventually just going to start hugging you on-sight. 

Like literally, on sight. If he catches a glimpse of you, he will cross the whole room just to give you a hug.

(think Moto Moto, he will trample anyone that gets in his way LMAOO i’m sorry dfghjk)

You can absolutely get him to give you a piggyback ride. Honestly, he’ll probably offer.

(There are definitely rumors that you two are dating. Some demons even think that you have a pact bond. The other RAD students are lowkey freaked out by you)

If you play your cards right, you can definitely spin this whole thing into an actual cuddle session :)

Barbatos

You’re always hugging him and he honestly thinks it's so cute.

At first, you’re very hesitant--slyly asking him to warm up your hands with his own, or let you rest your head on his shoulder, just for a minute!

You think you’re sneaky about it.

You’re absolutely not.

Finally, he tells you that whenever you want affection from him, you’re more than welcome to initiate. 

It’s not uncommon for you to hug him from behind and press your face into his back. 

You always ask, “is this okay?” and he always says “of course.” because it really, really is.

He’s honestly flattered that you seek him out for affection.

When you tell him that it's because he gives the Best hugs, he definitely blushes a little bit.  

His body temperature naturally runs cooler than most, which is a little bit strange, but at least you don't have to worry about overheating during snuggle time :D

He also likes to give you piggyback rides. Multitasking is something he often does, and if you’re chilling on his back like a baby possum, then his hands are still free to do other things as well. 

It’s very convenient. 

(Don’t get it twisted though, when he’s done with work for the day he’s so down to just chill and hold you. If you’ll let him, he especially likes to run his hands through your hair.)

Barb is Very intuitive. If you’re in need of some hugs, you don’t have to say anything. He just knows, and as long as you’ve given him consent, he’ll gladly wrap you up in his arms.

(Will also peck your cheek if you’re cool with it)

He’s just so polite and doting 

Simeon

Man… listen.

A hug from Simeon is equivalent to seeing the gates of Heaven open up.

He knows exactly how tight you need to be held, and because of that, his hugs are always warm and protective. 

Also, he likes to wrap his arms around your waist and rest his chin on your shoulder, which is just really fucking nice.

The vibes? Immaculate. 

As soon as you realize that he’s a heavenly hugger, he’s gonna have a hard time shaking you off. 

And you know what? He doesn’t really mind it. 

At first, he’s a little bit confused about why you’re so intent on cuddling him. Confused, but not averse to it in any way, mind you.

Then he’s actually a little bit sad when he realizes just exactly how touch starved you are, but, he understands. You make him realize that he is too--the demons are a lot less huggy than the angels are, surprisingly enough. 

So he thinks, maybe you two can help each other out :)

Funny enough, as long as you're okay with it, he lowkey jumps straight into acting like you two are a couple.

Wrapping an arm around your waist or shoulders in public, holding your hand, kissing your cheek…

If you’re uncomfortable with it though, he’ll definitely back off. He’s very very respectful of any boundaries you have.

Movie/cuddle night definitely becomes a thing for you guys.

Luke

Give this child hugs, please. And head pats. Pinch his little cheeks. Ruffle his hair. 

Be that doting overbearing parent-friend that smothers him with affection!! And snacks. Keep fruit snacks on hand for him fghjkdf

The first time you ruffle his hair, it’s because he’s just so darn cute, you can’t help it--he’s raving about the new cake recipe that he’s learning from Barbatos, and his eyes are shining bright as firebugs and he’s just so darn excited because he got it right on the first try and--

You’re just so proud of him!! So you ruffle his hair and he gets really embarrassed (he’s not a dog for you to pet!) 

But like. It felt really nice, so he Supposes that it’s okay. Just as long as it’s you. 

When you ask if you can hug him, he gets all blushy but is sooo excited because you honestly give really nice hugs

He won’t admit it, but he really appreciates how supportive you are of him. Though sometimes (like when you pinch his cheeks or monitor his screen-time) you’re a bit… how should I say,,,, a wee bit too much. 

Like Simeon.  

Give him a hug and pat his back when he’s upset and it’ll instantly make him feel better. 

(If he’s upset because one of the demon brothers was making fun of him and you give him a hug, seeing their jealous faces is definitely the icing on the cake for him lmaoo) 

Solomon

Ah, yes. The shady sorcerer. 

Solomon is an interesting case.

Lowkey, he acts kind of inhuman--but then again, even the demons and angels are more interested in cuddles than he is.

That’s not to say he isn’t at all--somewhere along the way, he just forgot that that’s a thing living creatures need. 

(Don’t get it twisted though--he has a pact with Asmo. You’re pretty sure he’s into some freaky shit. He just forgot that fluffy shit is also a very real and very necessary thing.)

When you tell him that you need a hug, he kinda blinks at you in confusion for a few seconds and asks, “....Need?” 

He can’t help but wonder if you got cursed or something, and if hugging is the cure. Like sleeping beauty but more platonic.

He wouldn’t put it past you. You’re very hex-able. 

And you’re like “Yes I need one please” but you don’t elaborate any more than that, so he’s confused but accepting, and just kinda. Holds his arms straight up. T-poses at you.

It’s weird. Not very effective at asserting his dominance. You snort and wrap your arms around him, and sloooowly, he lowers his arms to wrap them around you in a hesitant hug.

He awkwardly pats your back. 

You tell him to stop being weird and just squeeze you already.

Which he does. And it hits him all at fucking once that this is actually really nice, oh no--

Needless to say, he’s gonna start slyly asking you for affection too. But in really obvious ways where he’s like, “Oh noooo a spell backfired on me, quick I need to hold your hand or I might die”

He’s so full of shit. 

You definitely hold his hand. With passion. 

((part one with the demon brothers))

[admiringlove]

“choose her.”

+order: hi! i'm not sure if you still have spots for your 500 special but I'd like to order angst/fluff (or hurt/comfort) with Suna and "Choose her." I wonder how Suna would act with someone strongly pushing him away (not a childhood friend). This is a such a cool event and thanks <3 xx [submitted by @cherryblossomsxoxo​]

+word count: 1.2k

+warnings: smoking; hurt/comfort.

+author’s notes: hi, i hope you like this <3 i left the reader as gender neutral, but suna’s sexuality can be interpreted in any way you like! to anyone who wants to send a prompt, here is the link to the event masterlist so you can know which shows you can request from!

The night sky never looked more lonely. 

Your throat is dry as you slowly take a puff from the roll in your hand, looking up from your opened window. Nights like this one once used to be filled with mindless laughter, and reckless blushes—nights you reminisced in this one with dried tears on your cheeks and a hollow mind. 

You met him at a convenience store. It was funny, perfectly cliché—something out of the movies. One late night, you had ventured out of your dorm, looking for some excitement to spark your ordinary life. You went to the convenience store first, going to the very back and picking up a pack of cigarettes. The cashier seemed to be a tired college student who didn't give a shit, and there was only one other customer there. 

That one other customer, whose hand brushed yours while picking up the same item as you. The two of you had smiled at one another, and checked out at the same time. You stood outside the store in silence, watching the chartreuse-eyed man smoke as you tried to figure out how to do it yourself. 

He had chuckled when he looked back at you. You vividly remember him showing you how to hold it with his nimble fingers touching your hand, and then he lit your cigarette. He told you to take a puff, and you had immediately coughed after. 

He laughed. Then introduced himself, "I'm Suna Rintarō."

You two became friends faster than ever. After learning that he goes to the same university as you, he tended to spend more time with you. He had caught you walking into the library that day, and followed you in. 

You never knew when you fell in love with him though. It was unjustly a blur. 

Because the late-night escapades, the all-nighters, the 'trying out every coffee shop in town', the movie nights, the college parties—all turned into something more. You never understood how his hand lingered on yours for a tad bit longer, or how he hugged you just a smidge tighter, or how he tended to smile more when he was with you. 

You were dense like that. He used to call you dense. It made you smile, as you looked back on the better days. 

Being inseparable from Suna came with its benefits and demerits. He was sarcastic, and sometimes a little harsh-tongued. But he was also kind, passionate, and apologetic. He was the type to immediately apologize if it felt like he hit a nerve, and that was one of the many good things about him. 

Everything was going well. Or so, you thought. 

Suna Rintarō soon had someone else tagging along with him when he came to eat lunch with you at that diner by the campus. The diner soon turned into a salad bar downtown when the said 'someone else' begged Suna to go there. The movie nights soon turned into, "Sorry, can't make it tonight". The coffee-shop tryouts soon became, "She decided to come with us. The more the merrier, am I right?".

Everything changed. And soon, you learned, that the girl who had ultimately become a part of what was once just you and him, liked him.

"[Y/N] likes you," she said, in the middle of lunch one day. Your fork dropped from your hand and onto your plate as you looked up at her, and then Suna, whose eyes were wide. You opened your mouth to say something, but she got there first, "[Y/N] likes you as more than a friend."

"N-no," you mumbled out, your heart becoming audible as it began to beat louder and louder like a speeding metronome, "I don't."

Getting up from your seat, you took your bag and left, not responding to Suna's voice calling out for you. You board the bus, and when you look back, you see him. He had run out of the salad bar, and to the bus stand, but he was too late. 

Seventeen missed calls, twelve texts, and four voicemails. You chose to respond to none of them. Almost a month passed after that.

And one night, as it rained(perfectly depicting the storm brewing inside your mind), Suna Rintarō showed up outside your dorm room. He knocked on the door an insurmountable amount of times until you finally opened it and looked up at him. 

He sighs, "Why didn't you answer my calls?"

"I didn't feel like it," you lie through your teeth, not being able to meet his gaze. He could tell that what his other 'friend' said was true, but he chose to stay quiet. Running a hand through his damp hair, he says, "You didn't even talk to me after class."

"I didn't feel like it," you repeat. He nods, continuing, "Okay, so why didn't you come to the salad bar?"

"I was at the diner," you mumble, returning to your desk. He follows you to your room, raising an eyebrow at you as he says, "But I was waiting for you at the salad bar."

You drop your pen haphazardly, letting out a shaky exhale as your fingers reach your temples, "Rin, you weren't waiting for me there. Please, just... stop lying to yourself."

"Was it true?" he asks, his voice soft, and almost inaudible. You look at him this time, your eyes glassy as your voice becomes hitched, "Leave."

"Look, I don't want to leave you or her-"

"Choose her, Rin." 

He left after that. And here you were, cursing yourself as you flicked the spent ashes into a tray while staring at the cloudy sky. You regretted saying that to him, because some way or another, you had learned to find solace in those small moments. Those moments recklessly infused with love had become addicting, and after she came into your lives, it became harder and harder to conjure those sickeningly sweet times. 

There's a knock on your door for the second time this night. And you can't believe your luck, because again in the same night, Suna Rintarō is standing outside your door, completely drenched this time. 

"Let me in," he says, boring his eyes into yours, "I need to tell you something."

"I thought-"

He pushes past you anyway, taking off his boots by the door and leaving them there. You’re standing there in awe, looking at him inquisitively as he breaths out a sigh. He walks towards you, and you cower away for the second time this night. 

But he doesn't let you. 

"I can't," he mumbles, "I can't choose her."

You look up, the screams of desperation and agony stitched into your irises as you whisper out a "why". Your hands have begun trembling, and your heart is almost ready, beating faster and faster again just like a speeding metronome, anticipating to hear the words you yearn to. 

He smiles at you, pressing a small peck on the top of your head as he cups your cheek, a single tear shedding from his eyes as he prepares himself.

"Because I love you, idiot."

© all works belong to admiringlove on tumblr. plagiarism is strictly prohibited.

[thewritetofreespeech]

MC + Cursed Toddler-fied Boys

prompt: All the boys suffer the same fate as Satan by reading ‘The Forbidden Book of Toddlerization’

Lucifer

You have to wonder why they kept so many cursed books around, just out like this. You would think, like any normal person, with this continuing to happen, that they would keep them locked up or something. But no. They just leave them out for anyone to find….

“I’m going to the meeting!” Lucifer yelled, stamping his foot. His face twist in a petulant frown. It would be rather adorable, if you hadn’t been arguing with him for the past 20 minutes

“Lucifer, we talked about this. You can’t go to the meeting. You need to stay here.”

“No! I wanna go to the meeting! It’s very important and everyone is counting on me!” His arms are wailing now as he stamped his foot more.

Of course, you couldn’t let him go to the first of the month meeting like this. His pride would be wounded beyond compare if anyone else saw him like this. But reasoning with him wasn’t working. You had to resort to more, unsavory tactic to win. “But the meeting was cancelled. Lord Diavolo called earlier to let me know.”

Lucifer stopped stamping his feet and waving his arms to look at you with a vacant expression you didn’t know he could muster. “Really?”

Gods help you. “Yes, really.”

He seemed to think about this for a moment before he beamed, “ok!” His mood instantly brightening. “I believe you, because [Y/N] would never lie to me.” ‘Forgive me Lucifer’ You think to yourself. “What are we gonna do instead then?”

“Why don’t we play a game instead to pass the time? Would you like that?”

“I know chess!” He exclaimed loudly. “Let’s play that.”

Of course, knowing and being good at it were two different things. In this state you were actually able to beat Lucifer several times. When he retuned to normal the day was ‘conveniently’ put away for sometime after.

Mammon

“Mammon. Please. I’ll just be gone for a minute.”

“Nooooooo!” Mammon wailed when you tried to get up again. Clinging to your waist tightly to keep you on the couch. “Onii-chan said you had to stay with me! Stay with me! Stay with me!”

After reading The Forbidden Book of Toddlerization, Mammon had, of course, reverted to the personality of a small child. His brother made fun of him, say ‘what’s the difference’, but Lucifer knew that this could be a disaster if he was set to wander free in this state across the Devildom. So he sat you to babysit him.

“Mammon, I promise I’ll be right back. I’m just going to get us some snacks for our movie.”

“Then let me come with you!” He whined, still clinging to you. In this state it seemed he had also taken on the personality of a baby duck. Imprinting on you and following you around everywhere you went in his room. He hadn’t left you alone for 5 seconds since he got this way. “I promise I’ll be good!”

“It’s not a question of you being good or bad Mammon-chan.” He liked to be called Mammon-chan right now. “It’s that you need to stay here. If someone sees you like this well…they could use it to tease you.”

“No…I don’t want to be teased anymore….” His voice was low, and sad. His bright eyes looking on the verge of tears, like kids do when they’re said, before he buried his face into your side. “Mammon-chan doesn’t want to be made fun of anymore. Mammon-chan also doesn’t want to be alone anymore.”

You sigh. Unable to argue with him when he was like this. Your hand lifted to pet his head, which he seemed to appreciate, before you text Satan to bring you some snacks. He was always reliable and would do it for you.

Once the affects of the book had worn off, Mammon denied any of this happening. The mere mention would cause his face to turn red and yell about how, “that didn’t happen!” You almost wish you had taken a video of it to show him. Guess you would just have to keep Mammon-chan forever in your heart.

Levi

You went to Levi’s room after class to check on him in his….condition.

Since he did remote learning a lot of the time, being an otaku, it was pretty easy to keep him away from people so they did see him in the current state he was in. Apparently as a toddler he didn’t like being around people either.

So, you had set him up comfortably in his room before heading to class. Promising to come back that afternoon to be with him.

“Levi! I’m back! How are you—what are you doing?!?!”

“Playing with my toys.” Levi replied, with an obvious expression, as a sea of toys stretch out in front of him where he laid on his belly on the floor.

Your brain stopped. Completely at a loss for words. Levi was going to kill you when he returned to normal, because toddler-Levi, left unattended, had unboxed nearly all of his figurines from their packaging. Some of which were incredibly rare, and unable to get anymore.

“I just…I mean…Why?? Why would you do this??”

“They’re my toys.” Levi replied with a pout. Sitting up. “I can do what I want with them. What’s the point in having neat toys if you aren’t going to play with them??”

He did have a point there. But adult-Levi was going to be so mad!

“Do you want to play with me?” The demon asked with a hopeful expression. “You can even be blue Ruri-chan.” The limited edition, color swap Ruri-chan from 1999. He was gonna blow a gasket!

“Yeah. Ok.” But then again, when were you ever going to be able to touch them again.

As expected, Levi totally lost it when he came to his senses. Of course, there was no one to blame but himself, in the end, so he just had to be upset and mope alone. Thankfully, none of them were broken or beyond just out of their originally packaging. He bought them all clear showcase boxes for his ���ruined’ figurines. Some of them he could rebuy to replace; which seemed to make him happy to have two.

Satan

It had been hours since the affects of the book had taken ahold of Satan. You were starting to wonder if they would ever wear off.

Lucifer had left in search of another book, one that might help speed the process along, and left his younger brother in your care. Of course you were happy to help, but you were getting nervous you would never see the old Satan again.

“[Y/N]-chan?” You look up from your phone, waiting for Lucifer to text you back, to see the blonde demon looking timidly at you from around the corner. 

“What is it Satan?”

“Would you….read to me?” His hands holding out the small children’s book he had some how found in the piles of books covering his room.

You smile softly at him. Your heart warmed by his request. “Of course,” you tell him, and the demon scampered over to sit on the bed beside you. His long legs and body tucked neatly into you as he waited for you to tell him the story of a little lost chicken and it’s journey back home. “[Y/N] tells the best stories!”

After 3 stories, he had fallen asleep. When he woke up, Satan was back to normal. He doesn’t answer your questions on where the children’s books had come from, but you spot the red & gold spines on his book shelves sometimes.

Asmo

There was no denying that Asmo was fascinated by art and all things beautiful. He went on and on about it any chance he got. So you shouldn’t have really been surprised when his toddlerfied self just wanted to draw all day.

“Look, look [Y/N]-chan! I finished another one!”

“That’s great Asmo.” You praise. Just like you had done with all the other ones he had handed to you. “Wow! This is really great! Is that a….chicken?”

“No, silly! That’s the white horse for our carriage when we get married!” The demon beamed, then shuffled over on his knees to instruct you on his picture properly. “That’s you, and that’s me. That’s the princess carriage that’s going to ride us off into the sunset. That’s Solomon and Simeon throwing flowers at us. That’s my brothers crying because I got to marry [Y/N]-chan and they didn’t.”

“You certainly seem to have all the parts here.” You praise. Giggling at his enthusiasm and picture.

“I want to have a perfect picture of when we get married. Because I love [Y/N]-chan! And we’re gonna get married and live happily ever after.” He replied, with certainty, with a smile.

“Well, I’ll be glad for that. Why don’t you draw me our perfect house for after we get married?” Asmo scampered off and did just that.

When Asmo came to, and back to his normal self, he took all the pictures he had drawn and framed them. Forcing his brothers and Solomon to take a tour of his mini-art gallery. The piece ‘Marriage of Two Bonded Souls’ was met with some controversy.

Beel

Beel, in his younger days, seemed to have boundless energy. Or you at least had to assume he did, because ever since he had read that stupid book he had been running around.

Lucifer had told you to take him outside. Irritated at hearing his large feet clump around the house, but trying not to show it since it wasn’t his fault. He even let you both take Cerberus outside to help run Beel out. It would be good for the pup too. Get some exercise, he said.

That had been sometime ago, and it seemed baby-Beel and Cerberus were an even match in energy. They had been running around, chasing each other, and play fighting in the back yard all afternoon. You were tired just watching them.

“Beel! Do you want to come in? I think it’s time for a break.”

Both Beel and Cerberus pop their heads up, in a comical and adorable unison head tilt, before jogging over to you. “Break time means snack time right?!”

You chuckle a little. Somethings never changed. “I brought some apple slices & peanut butter for you, for now. We can get you something bigger when we go inside.”

Beel grinned and sat in the grass with the container. “I like apple slices!”

“You do hn?” You don’t think you’ve seen Beel eat an actual fruit on its own. It was usually attached to, baked in, or covered in something, to get him to eat it.

“Yep! They’re crunchy and sweet. Just like you! Though, I guess you aren’t crunchy. Do you want one of my apple slices [Y/N]?”

You blush a little at Beel’s bright, unwavering expression. How could he look so innocent while still looking like that?

He finished his apple slices, minus one, before asking if he could go play again. You let him, but then all of a sudden he spotted playing with Cerberus and stood straight up. Seeming confused on how he got out here and what was going on. “Did I eat an apple? I haven’t had one since….do you think we have more in the kitchen?”

Belphie

It was honestly hard to tell if Belphie was under the spell of the forbidden book or not. He’d been asleep for most of the time; which was not uncommon for him. Then he would wake up and whine a little about something; again, not uncommon for him. Then he would take another nap.

You had figure out that he was still under it’s spell by the requests he was making when he woke up. Juice boxes. More plushies. His ‘blankie’. Eventually it would run its course though, and Belphie would be back to his own sleepy eyed, grown up self. “[Y/N]?”

You walk over to the bed when the demon called your name. The boy half sitting up, but still tucked under his covers. “What is it Belphie?”

“I can’t sleep.” He stated. Which seemed ridiculous since he had been sleeping most of the day. “I miss Lilli. And Be-be. Can you sleep with me?”

You blink at little at the request. You supposed it made since. Kids often wanted someone to sleep with them, so they didn’t have bad dreams or could keep them safe. Maybe that’s why he had been sleeping so much. Because he hadn’t been sleeping well, just sleep.

“Sure Belphie. I’ll lay down with you.” The demon smiled softly, sleepy, before he scooted over to give you some space to lay next to him.

He slept for a while this last time. Clinging onto you in his sleep, with a soft smile on his face. When he woke up, it seemed he was back to normal. “Gosh [Y/N]. If you wanted to sleep with me, all you had to do was ask. You didn’t have to trick me with that lame book.”

[hakasims]

Shitty Luca Movie Recap, Episode 6

Ok, so I’m not sure how many of you will even be interested in this post because this movie is obscure and not a lot of people have seen it, but here goes nothing. Today’s episode of SLMR is about

The Old Guard

Guys, where do I even start with this one? First of all, it’s based on a comic book... that claims it isn’t a superhero story. Who does that? And yet it’s about this group of people who are immortal. See, they pretend it’s not a superhero comic but these guys literally never die and can heal any wound. Show me a character who can heal but isn’t a superhero. You literally can’t because they don’t exist.

What’s extra weird about The Old Guard is that it has, like, faces you might recognize. Besides Luca’s, of course. Though that dude who looked like Putin in The Danish Girl I actually didn’t recognize because he doesn’t look like Putin in this movie. The Hot Jafar from the Aladdin remake also looks different here. Still hot, though.

I didn’t bother with the character names for this one because they’re mostly pretty generic, so I picked very accurate nicknames for everybody:

Sadgirl

Mood

Cinnamon Roll

Luca

Luca’s Hot Husband (Hot Hubby for short)

COPley (I know he’s a spy not a cop but I don’t care and also sorry his name isn’t James Spyder or whatever it’s called subtlety look it up)

Drugley (’cause he’s Dudley but also a pharma dude, get it?)

Manmeat

Dr. Evil

So what’s the story? Well, these immortals are all warriors from different time periods. You can tell because they use old-school weapons: Sadgirl has her lesbian axe, and The Hubbies are sword bros. In more ways than one if you know what I’m saying ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Oh, and Mood is from the time period after gunpowder was invented, so he just uses modern firearms. They all use modern firearms, but those three are also gays, so blades, drama, aesthetics - you get it. And they use their weapons and superpowers to fight the good fight. What is the good fight? Whatever they decide it is.

Sadgirl is sad because she thinks they’re wasting their efforts, and also her wifey was drowned by the Inquisition. (Whatever, it’s not like that plot point is coming back.) Sadgirl is so sad she even loses her immortality at some point, but by the end of the movie she starts to believe again! And while she’s having her character arc, Mood is just being mood:

Another plotline is about Cinnamon Roll learning she’s immortal after getting killed and coming back to life. The immortals can all see each other in a dream, which is convenient because it allows Sadgirl to go fetch Cinnamon Roll and add her to the team.

Meanwhile, Drugley learns about The Squad’s immortality from COPley, who’s like a history buff and a fanboy, apparently, and orders him and his boyfriend Manmeat to get him The Squad because he wants Dr. Evil to extract immortality from them so he could sell it or whatever.

None of that is important. What’s important is Luca and his Hot Hubby. They’re so cute, you guys. Like, disgustingly cute. They spoon:

They touch:

They kiss:

They kill homophobes together:

They headbutt:

They have this annoying eye contact:

Their only role in the movie is to be #RelationshipGoals and get kidnapped by Drugley’s Manmeat while Sadgirl and Cinnamon Roll are out. Mood is left behind though because Manmeat’s people decide he’ll be too much of a bummer on the way back. Poor bastards, they didn’t know he would have been the least of their problems.

So anyway, The Hubbies kill everyone in the van, give COPley a stinkeye and finally get to meet Drugley, who decides to show off his sick Shakespeare knowledge unaware that soliloquies are Hot Hubby’s thing:

This hurts Drugley’s feelings, so he orders Dr. Evil to torture The Hubbies, which she does. But that’s okay, you might think, the rest of The Squad are gonna burst in and save them, right? Think again.

Did I mention Mood was the one who ratted them out to COPley? It’s true. And he confesses, what a sucker! He’s now in deep shit.

Don’t worry about Mood, though. He’s saved by the plot.

Seriously, how did they survive before without Cinnamon Roll? Oh, right, they can’t die. Though clearly not for the lack of trying. Thankfully, she’s here to save everybody.

Cinnamon Roll? More like What Would You Do Without Me-nnamon Roll. Nailed it.

So she strolls into Drugley’s lair, stirs some shit, gets everyone out, and Kite’s Drugley off this plane of existence. She’s now officially part of The Squad, but here’s a problem: because The Squad has consisted of four people for so long, all their safehouses only have three beds (The Hubbies share one, obviously), and also, like, five people with all that bulky weapon in the same sedan... so uncomfortable. Ask any sword lover, it’s like a whole thing. Long story short, they kick Mood out. He was too much of a bummer anyway and also yeah, he’s a traitor. Hot Hubby will never stop judging:

So that’s The Old Guard. Do I recommend it? I don’t know, guys, I guess? It’s definitely not as bad as the other movies I’ve reviewed, though it should have been a lot gayer. That’s my main complaint. But sure, check it out if you have two hours to kill.

And let me know which movie I should do next!