#which excludes black people unless they’re a specific stereotype

[starlooove]

Ok so on those previous tags (and the post entirely tbh) that’s what I’ve been talking about when it pisses me off that y’all make shit up for everyone else that already applies to Duke. Like the closest to fanon tim you’ll ever get is his Gotham knights program which y’all don’t know about bc y’all don’t read but Duke has been with it since WAR (which tbh for the tim fans i think tim who grew enough to set that shit up meeting Duke who’s had the mindset but not the means since he was younger would be super fun. But whatever this ain’t about him.) and including the foster system thing it’s always hcs about these terrible families Jason’s been in or him being a flight risk or whatever when Duke is canonically right there and has arguably closer ties to the system itself rn. Like it’s so sick how y’all say u can’t include or give a shit about Duke bc he’s just not interesting to you and then TAKE everything that makes him interesting for ur white faves and I think the worst part is that so many of y’all don’t read enough to realize it which is just proof that you really WANT a character like Duke but he’s canonically too black for you. Like it’s giving making tim the ceo in ur mind based off a comic where he continuously is not fucking with the role and gives it back the SECOND he can. The REAL CEO is simply too black for you 💀

[juiceastronaut]

Okay so. I watched Q-force. And I have no idea what I think about it.

Imma just be rambling so I'll break down the characters and my likes/dislikes about them before giving my plot breakdown at the end. Only the main/prominent ones because I don't have time.

Steve Maryweather-Easily the best character out of them, with Deb being a close second. He could've very easily fallen into the trope of being someone who was incompetent but expected the world anyway, but he doesn't. He graduated top of his class, and despite his quirks is a genuinely competent team leader, and wants the best for his team. He wants to prove that he and his team are competent enough to get recognition, and has a genuine faith in the people around him. It was refreshing to see him hold his team in a genuine high regard, where a lot of times it's like "We're shit but lets do this thing now" He's a genuinely well-rounded character, and (and forgive me if this isn't the best way to frame this) it feels like being gay is an important part of his character, without encompassing the whole thing. I thought Benji and his relationship was super cute and I was sad when they broke up. I was afraid he was going to be, like a second but worse Twink with the stereotyping but gladly fell away from that.

Deb-I thought her and her wife were super cute (though I hate how the wife is designed ngl adjafkldajfd). I liked Debs character, but I feel like she had a lot of racial stereotyping that wouldn't be inherently obvious unless you were looking for them, her being the strong one, and also the "mama" type at the same time. No one treated her with disrespect, and her lesbianism seemed to be more authentic but I feel like there wasn't a lot of thought put into what these tropes were and why they were bad. Her being black and making her the mama type, as well as the big strong type could be read as tasteless. Again, I really liked her character but these were some things I noticed while watching.

Twink- You know, I didn't really like him at first, I thought he was the epitome of all the bad stereotyping (though I'm just glad him and Mary didn't get put into the same category). His humor isn't my taste, and it just kinda seemed like someone for half of his lines went "what twitter stan language can we put in here?" And sometimes it was a bit too random for my tastes. However! I do like that his drag was considered important and was an integral part to a lot of missions they went on, and not just "Ah look at that dumb gay trying to find reasons to dress in drag." His talents and expertise were both respected and, save for Buck (which his whole point was supposed to be offensive anyway) no one undermined Twink for his femininity. His back story is also kinda random but did play a role in the missions as well. Still, personally think he's the worst character. Plus, he's French so minus four-twenties amount of points.

Stat-You know, in a show where everyone was stating what letter they were every few seconds I was surprised that I had to look up that Stat was trans. I...liked her character for the most part, except the part where she was fucking a robot. Kinda weird ngl, outta left field, and with her being trans I wonder if her having that sort of relationship is problematic for her. Love her design tho, love me a hacker girl. She's also listed as "ambiguously gay" tho showed to have mostly girl love interests but, okay.

Buck-He's the straight guy, emotionally repressed haha and he's bigoted. Did think it was funny later on when he was more "accepting" but managed to be even more infuriating about it. Tied with Twink as worse character but you know they tried to do stuff with him.

Vee-Really liked me a boss lady, but kinda weird how they bait-and-switched us with her actually being a lesbian, then go "no she's straight tho" in regards to Karen. I thought her and Mary's relationship was cute, wish I saw more of it. But she did feel like a random plot device in later seasons, what with her disappearing and reappearing when it was plot relevant. (Tho she HOTOHOTHOTHOT bikini episode WOOOWEEEE)

....

Okay, so now the plot....which. it had one?

It felt like it was flip flopping back n forth about whether it wanted to take itself seriously or not, and it seemed to decide on serious more towards the end, but then it would have this random plot element that would be so out of left field it would pull me out of my suspension of disbelief. See the whole "Back cracking to unlock memories" plot point. This back and forth on whether it would be a comedy or not I think weakened both categories it tried to play into.

If I had to compare the show to anything it would probably be Futurama, but the thing with Futurma is, its set in the future, so you're suspension of disbelief is allowed to stretch a bit more because all the wacky quirky stuff can be attributed to future shenanigans. Q-force, to my knowledge, is set in the modern day, which makes the wacky stuff that much wacker, because it's set in our modern times, which you apply the rules of everyday life to.

A lot of the problems that I had with Q-Force is, in the attempt to write specifically about the "gay experience" revealed that the writers have really only had a very specific experience of interacting with gay ppl, what I call the "Urban Gay" experience.

The fact they're in West Hollywood, and all the things that were listed as "universal gay experiences" but were only things that you'd be exposed to if you were in the city. I think a flavor of "white gay" can be implemented here too, which Q force has exactly one black woman, who manages to be the only lesbian.

That coupled with the fact that, there's a difference between having Twink naturally being a drag queen, the whole team being gay to some degree, and the fact they interact with the gay community often without Drawing Attention to all of those things and self-congratulating itself on concluding it. Funnily enough, Q-Force had examples of doing this right and doing this right. Right way: In the second or third episode where Mary found that guy with the flash drive to the uranium in it and seduced him in the gay bar. Relevant that it was gay without overtly drawing attention to it. Wrong-Way: Having Pride go on while Girl Boss was trying to take over the world.

And, for the show that promoted itself as representing the gay experience, there were...two gay men, one lesbian, one trans person, one straight guy and...no bisexual people. Also no nonbinary people. Like of course it's unrealistic to include every single identity but you're one bisexual person who appeared for one episode and was promptly blown up. And also showed to be...more off than the other characters, what with the stealing of silverware and all. Just, bisexual people are already forgotten enough as it is and not including them in the show, but you include two gay men just kinda reads as tasteless to me (as a bisexual person, obviously).

Which makes it so weird that Stat was left "ambiguously gay" when she could've easily been bisexual (which still would be problematic because of the robot-fucking but at least you got the B in there somewhere in the main group)

Overall, it tried to market itself as the "be all end all" of what it was like to be gay, but ended up excluding the exact people that get excluded in real-life lgbt spaces. This combined with the indecision with what kind of show it wanted to be managed to make it fall short. If you arent the very specific type of gay person who lives in a city environment and doesn't fit the stereotypes showed you're not going to feel "seen" by the show.

Weirdly though, I didn't hate watching it, and I would probably watch another season if they managed to make one. The parts that did work, I think worked really well, and even the bad parts just read as tasteless, and not actively terrible. If they focused less on making "hey I'm gay" jokes every three seconds and just let each character be what they are I think the show would be stronger for it. And I think they'd find less problems overall if they did that too. In the mean time I'll just be here side-eyeing the whole thing.

Edit: I forgot to mention, and this is a problem a lot of adult TV shows fall into, that because they got the clear to show nudity/sex they felt like they *had* to show nudity and to a lesser extent sex every episode. So just that whole "Haha adult=sex obviously."

Oh! And this generally goes for the whole "shove it in your face" part, but a lot of the characters who are bigoted were shown to be. Very blatantly so. And not to say there isn't blatantly bigoted ppl of course they are but I don't think that's where you see a lot of bigotry nowadays. This was sort of touched on during the show but more of a jokey manner, but I think it would've been more realistic if we had more "girl with a gay best friend" kinda bigotry as opposed to the "I'm literally hurling slurs at you" bigotry, especially since they're in Cali.

[jardindesoi]

The Garden’s Harvest, a collection of poems.

For my first blog post, I decided to analyze some of the poetry I’ve written in my free time through an outside lens. I compiled all the pieces I’ve written whose main themes deal in some way with my experience as a queer person: this theme shows up a lot in my private work, so I wanted to see what the poetry I write reveals about my relationship with my queer identity.

When I get inspired by something I experience in the world, I open a note in my phone and use a specific artistic style to try and articulate the “truth” I am grappling with. This style depends entirely on how I feel in the moment: some of these pieces use specific parallel structures or references, while some are bursts of words and phrases written down as they occur to me. I title and very sparingly edit them after finishing. If I were to compile these for some formalized assignment or other publication, I would likely edit them for either length or clarity of thought, but as of now they are the raw “flashes” of creativity I felt over a period lasting from some point in my senior year of high school (“History”) until a few weeks ago (“Sterilization”). 

I looked at these pieces from the point of view of an outsider, with the help of my friend, another queer person who writes poetry. The first thing I was able to notice about what I’ve written so far is that they all contain elements of three specific themes. I’ve arranged them below in order of which of these themes they fit most: the social perception of queerness, then anger at this perception, and finally yearning and love. 

Most prominent in the first section but present in all three is the impression that I am very in touch with both my queer identity and how it is perceived by the wider society. I wrote “Work for It” such that each stanza discusses a different marginalized group that suffers under American capitalism, and this fragment demonstrates how I am conscious of the queer community’s place in this suppressive system. “History” was me coming to terms with the fact that the history I was learning in school excluded the stories and challenges of the queer community as it recognized itself and grew, requiring me to seek out this knowledge without any formal guide. 

What queer representation I am able to find, both in history and in present-day media, is the object of “Sterilization:” the “idols” are the whitewashed, well-behaved, stifled image passed off by mainstream media as the epitome of how queer people are expected to act to gain acceptance in majority society. “I AM MORE” was a rage-fueled vent spurned by frustration at queer identities being treated as jokes even in spaces that claim to be accepting of them. These two pieces together show how I see the queer community as double-edged sword: I am thankful for the ability to find and relate to other people like me, but the injustice and separation both within and without the community lead to stereotyping and a monolithic view of queer people as a whole. 

The last two pieces are unique in that they don’t have an explicit theme of social or political commentary: rather, they are raw and unfiltered expressions of love, the same love felt by heterosexual couples. “He’s Beautiful/or Something” muses on men I have found attractive with the underlying idea that beauty can be found in any kind of person, while the “Wanna” fragment is an expression of the desire to be close to someone. Although these two deal explicitly with my own emotions as a gay man, they portray emotions and desires shared by anyone with the capacity for love; the only difference between these poems and identical ones dealing with heterosexual love would be the use of a differently gendered pronoun. Yet they are still queer pieces, because they were written by a queer person who experiences love. I used the act of writing these expressions of love as a method of authenticating those same feelings: being able to articulate my emotions like this allowed me to further settle into my identity as a queer person and a queer lover. 

Here are the pieces I used for this analysis (CW: f-slur in “I AM MORE”):

fragment from “Work for It”

The queer, commodified 

Into company pandering one month yearly, 

Whose battle for the rights to marriage, adoption, and healthcare has been one of distracting White noise?

“History”

My history is not taught.

Students don’t read about my predecessors—

Unless they read between the lines,

Under Achilles’ heel,

Under Shakespeare’s pen,

Under Caesar’s fist.

Their eyes must strain under and between,

For my history is beaten and burned and buried.

My history is uncovered in late night dives through Wikipedia,

Following a scent trail of shining blue words,

Digging up fragments of a story with no words,

Of a movement with no motion,

Of a revolution with no goal.

We have no manifesto, no agenda.

We have identity, 

Love, 

Art,

Life...

Mere abstractions, whose essences are eroded by the sands of time.

I gaze at the past through a rose tint, and cannot see the blood that drowns our past,

Soaks our present,

Steeps into our future.

For who can stare agog at the glitter and self-expression of the balls,

Without also bearing witness to the sicknesses and deaths of the models, the dancers, 

The lovers?

We are all lovers.

Our Hearts are Normal,

But our history is not.

“Sterilization,” unfinished

Are these to be my idols? These totems of plastic and glitter, these mannequins adorned in the clothes of the everyman, these peacocks who preen and strut and jape and dance and sing for their audience? 

Am I to learn their dance, learn how they imitate those traditions which for so long were closed off from them? Am I to fall, as they do, at the feet and mercy of the audience, performing and receiving as payment the permission to be like them? 

/////

They are Not Us, and We are Not Them. 

They are Not Us, so We become Them. 

They are Not Us, but We are Not Us.

They are Not Us, yet We are Them.

“I AM MORE”

I AM NOT YOUR JOKE

I AM A HUMAN

I AM BEYOND THE STEREOTYPES I PUT ON FOR HUMOR, IN CONFIDENCE THAT THEY ARE UNDERSTOOD FOR THE NONSENSE THEY ARE

I AM NOT YOU

I AM EVERBEING I AM MULTITUDES I AM BEYOND I AM MORE THAN YOU AND I WILL NOT DIE

I AM A FAGGOT

I AM NASTY

I AM NOT A HILARIOUS FAIRY

I AM SOCIETY’S DISGUSTING LEFTOVER MISTAKE

AND I LOVE IT

“He’s Beautiful/or Something”

He has long, curly, blond hair that falls almost to his shoulders, a mane that shakes when he laughs.

Or his hair is long, but silky smooth and straight, and he wears it in a tight ponytail when it gets in the way.

Or his head is buzzed almost to the scalp and dyed crimson red, or sea-foam green, or blinding white, or any other beautiful color.

His eyes are dark, almost black, but they shift with the sunlight to a shining amber or gold.

Or they’re sky-blue, shimmering with a reflection of the world they gaze upon.

Or they’re green, but sometimes they’re hazel, or cerulean, or mint—but they’re always beautiful.

He’s tall, and when we’re together he envelops me in his embrace and surrounds me.

Or he’s my size, and we share clothes, and when I wear his sweaters I lose myself in the scent he left behind.

Or he’s small, almost dainty, and I hold him tightly when we’re together, as though to protect him from the world, or selfishly preserve his beauty for myself alone. 

He’s an academic, his eyes glazed over as he devours the heavy tome before him, hardly noticing me until a small kiss on his head brings him back.

Or he’s an athlete, running or jumping or swimming, hitting or kicking or just moving, his kisses full of a passionate spirit.

Or he’s an artist, creating from nothing pieces that speak to the heart, that are at once uproarious, haunting, and as beautiful as the face I kiss every day.

I am his.

Or, he is mine.

fragment from “Wanna”

I wanna

Be close,

Closer,

Closer,

So close that the atoms that separate us break apart

And we are left with our spirits,

Ebbing and flowing in an eternal cosmic dance,

Fundamentally connected,

Never to leave the warmth of the other.

I wanna

I wanna

[tl-notes]

Konosuba Episode 4 Notes

When she says “that” here, she refers to it as “その子 (sono ko),” basically referring to it as a child and showing how attached she is to it.

The way he says the part about the debt, (借金は減らない shakkin wa heranai) implies more that the debt isn't going down, which sounded to me like they are paying it back, just in small enough amounts that it’s not actually shrinking it (either due to interest making it grow or it just being so big the amounts they've paid are insignificant).

I don’t actually know whether that’s true or not, but it’s the impression I got from how the line was worded.

The line here “心配させやがって shinpai sase yagatte” is basically “you had us worried” with the yagaru (conjugated as yagatte) excluded. Yagaru is a word you stick on the end of a verb that someone else has performed to indicate disdain/displeasure with the fact they did it. Usually it’s pretty rude and common to use when you’re angry at somebody, but in some cases between friends it basically serves as emphasis—pairing it with “causing worry” like seen here is common, in sort of a “you motherfucker, you worried the hell out of us!” kind of way (but not quite that vulgar).

These arranged marriage meeting (お見合い o-miai) things are still a thing in Japan nowadays, though less common. Basically the idea is that someone looking to get married will go through a third party (an agency that specializes in that sort of thing, or their parents’ network, etc.) who will find them someone that seems like would be a good match, and arrange a meeting between the two (usually showing a picture first, or rather several pictures and short profiles to choose from among). There’s no guarantee it will go anywhere and not too much commitment involved, but the explicit goal (in the modern context) is to start dating with the intent of getting married in the near future. It’s actually kind of like a marriage-focused precursor to online dating services.

The word for father she uses here (translated as “he”), is chichi (父). It’s a totally normal way to refer to your father when talking to non-family members...but it’s also a homophone for boobs (乳).

Kamiwaza (神業, “godly skills” here)  originally refers to various rituals relating to kami, or feats of skill so impressive that they’re almost like something only a god could accomplish.

Probably it’s most common modern usage is in video games, to describe that sick 360 no-scope or something like this.

The original line just mentions her having to stop being an adventurer, it leaves any “with us” to be inferred by the listener.

In addition to laughing at “Lalatina,” part of the joke is that Darkness is speaking in very formal, “ladylike” language, which doesn't exactly suit her character (at least as we/Kazuma/Aqua know it). Also the delivery of that wa at the end of the line sounds to me like it was supposed to sound forced, though maybe I'm just reading too much into it.

As an aside, wa as a sentence-ender can be used in gender-neutral ways, particularly when said with a descending tone, but when used with a rising tone is considered both feminine and sort of associated with fancy high-class language.

It’s trivial, but the phrase used for “pure” here is “kumori no nai 曇りのない,” a somewhat less poetic version of the same thing Aqua used in episode three. Basically the concept in both is that the eyes are unclouded [by greed/hate/other vices/etc.].

The fish here are, of course, koi, a popular and prestigious (and expensive) type of fish to have in gardens—not only in Japan, but abroad as well (where they are typically imported from Japan). I think these seem mostly to be of the Taisho Sanke variety, which have a white base with red and black patterning (Taisho comes from the fact they were first bred in the Taisho period, and Sanke means three colors).

There is a surprising level of depth to koi breeding, and breeders will go through several stages of selection, hand picking only the best, eventually narrowing down a starting pool of often over 200,000 at birth to just a few hundred at the end of the process. There some videos in English you can find here or here, or just through some googling.

If you’re ever near Niigata and have access to a car, a drive through the koi breeding areas in the mountains is a great way to spend a day.

Two (extremely) stereotypical elements of those marriage meetings are the parents sitting in at the beginning before bowing out, giving the two potential partners some privacy, and the question “Do you have any hobbies? (ご趣味は？Go-shumi wa?),” using that specific (and polite) phrasing.

You may have noticed he said “kawaii (可愛い)” here, which was translated as charming. You may also have thought, “but isn’t kawaii cute?” Well yes it is, but it’s also got a broader number of uses than just that. If you break down the kanji, it’s made of 可, which is used for things like acceptable/permissible/possible, etc., and 愛, the kanji for love (a more caring type of love, with passionate love being 恋 koi). Add the “adjectivizer” -i ending, and you've got a word that describes something that invokes feelings of love/affection, and so can range from cute to charming to lovable—though granted “cute” is the primary usage nowadays.

The word here is “hiku (引く),” a verb meaning “to pull.” It’s commonly used in contexts like this one to indicate something is creepy/gross/etc., as the speaker (or subject) is “pulling” back; you know, like leaning back/stepping back to create some distance because eww.

The names here are Kasuma and Kuzuma, both of which are in fact taking words for trash/garbage/etc. (kasu and kuzu) and portmanteau-ing them with his name. As you can see, they feel much less forced in the Japanese, but I guess there’s not much you can do about that unless you want to go with like Assuma or Scuzuma, which are their own brand of cringe-y.

The word here is dogeza (土下座), which is the word for getting on your knees and bowing such that your forehead touches the ground (though people don’t actually always touch head to ground). It’s the ultimate bow, used for the most sincere of apologizing or begging.

The word used here is shinsei (真性), meaning an inborn part of someone’s nature.

The word she uses for “already over” is jigo (事後), meaning “post- / after the [whatever]” but, especially when used by itself like here, is a common euphemism for “after sex.”

The laugh here (and all the other times she uses it in this episode) is fuhi, short for fuhihi, is a common laugh associated with having bad thoughts, kind of like “heh heh heh” or whatever in English. It’s also apparently associated with a meme created when Mika from Idolmaster Cinderella Girls used it when talking about how cute one of the other girls was, which itself was a joke on how Mika’s VA laughed like that out loud (in an embarrassing fashion) at a live event once. I don’t think this is particularly related to said meme though.

I learn the weirdest things doing these notes sometimes.

Maybe my ears are bad, but I'm fairly sure she just says Kazuma here, not one of the “trashy” nicknames.

“Tough love,” here and often in Japanese, is ai no muchi 愛の鞭, the “whip* of love,” which takes on a bit of extra meaning when said by Darkness.

*It can also be like, rod/stick, the kind from “spare the rod, spoil the child,” but generally muchi is the word for whip/lash so that’s typically the mental image.

[not3worthy]

So, What Precisely Is It Supposed To Mean?

Time for some context to that relatively vague title for this entry tonight:  one of my friends on Facebook posted about their New Year’s goals.  And I have to admit, I like that.  They aren’t half-hearted resolutions that can easily fall to the side and be forgotten about in the matter of a few months, as resolutions are apt to do.  And their goals are pretty good: they’re specific, ambitious and completely accomplishable.  What really caught my eye was the second part of this individual’s message.

Now... I’ll get this out right now; I am, despite my desire to be a straight arrow when it comes to taking the opinions and perspectives of another, sometimes a person of two minds.  When it’s something I want to hear or something that you confirm by talking about it, I’m enthusiastic about what you have to say and take steps to make the process actually come to fruition.  The other times, when it’s an area of weakness, I don’t take it well.  I get defensive, act like there’s not a problem, and politely agree with you until you stop talking--upon which I do the best I can to forget anything you said about the topic and soothe my bruised ego.

So, when I read this person’s statement, my initial response was to roll my eyes and say “Yeah, but you haven’t lived my life, so...” and then a myriad of excuses--usually incredibly flimsy ones--to dismiss their argument and go back to what I was doing.

But then I examined my life.  And I really haven’t been that happy with it as of late.  My life largely reflects around my work routine, at which I feel the most alive--even when gritting my teeth as I drive through intersections with the realization that I need to turn around and go 15 miles in the other direction to the next stop when I’m running up against the clock.  I’ve been given the chance to help load and unload the cargo containers we load shipments in.  It’s physically and mentally demanding work that gets me sweating and pumped up about doing what I do.  If things work out (I really hope they do), that might become part of my job’s routine. #MoMoney XD

Anyway, the last of this person’s goals was “put myself out there more.”  And... I have to admit, as an extroverted introvert, that statement is challenging for me to deal with.  Let me explain why, and it’s something I recalled recently from when I was in grade school.

For those of you reading this who don’t know me, I was diagnosed with Asperberger’s Spectrum ADHD when I was 6.  And back then, the drug of choice was Ritalin, of which I was on for most of my early life.  I was placed in special education classes since kindergarten and really didn’t have the first idea as to how to make friends because I was one of the “special” kids. And, I guess I tried to fit in, but... it was a long time ago, and remembering what happened to you when you were in 1st grade when you’re my age is no easy task.  

Years went by until this incident occurred.  What happened was that I was out on my bicycle--a good old one-speed bike that was black with this weird orange colored paint on it--the name escapes me--and got around some other kids my age group and wanted to go bike riding with them and go to the one person’s house.

I was thrilled: someone wanted for me to be their friend!  I was going to be accepted and really start growing as a person.  So, we start riding.  And they start going faster.  It’s not very long before I lose sight of them.  Nobody stopped and waited for me, and nobody came back to see if I was still on my way.  I ended up on the fringe of Minnetonka--which when you’re 9 is a long way from home, exhausted and stopped at a stranger’s house for a glass of water before I headed back to my house.

I was crushed.  I felt like I wasn’t important and that I was always going to be left behind, always the special kid who everybody gets a good laugh out of and excludes from events and parties and stuff.  And... I think right then and there I gave up on trying to make friends.  I was always gonna be weird, the round hole for the square peg.  The friends I did have were ones that had learning, emotional or physical disabilities.  Me?  I just learned a little differently.

Fast forward to today.  I’m skipping a lot of details, but I want to inform you, not bore you to death with every detail of my life for the last 15 odd years or so.  I’ve had my fair share of friendships, and I still do... but, as of late, they’ve... been starting to wither a bit.  Part my fault, part theirs.  I’ve flat out cut two people out of my life; one, it was after I got tired of them having selective responding skills which seemed to me an excuse after so long; the other, simply because their inability to accept reality had reached a point--and I also realized that I wasn’t really a friend to this person--the friendship wasn’t reciprocal.

I’ve said on occasions prior to this post that I’m... relatively approachable.  Granted, my schedule wreaks havoc on my social life during the week and that’s a small price to pay for my continued employment, and I do Tweet when I can.

Speaking of Twitter, I just looked at my follower count--and, granted it’s just a number and isn’t reflective of activity/interaction from my followers--and it’s a pretty healthy number.  True, nothing to write home about and certainly nothing on which to rest my laurels or make a comparison to anybody else--let’s not even start that game, but it is something.

I have noted before I am... sort of socially awkward.  I--unintentionally--come across as a potential know-it-all/know-too-much individual at times, don’t always know how to read people, or am burdened by a vocabulary that isn’t the most conversationally compatible of all. It’s why I made the comparison between myself and Moondancer last week in a post.

Okay, don’t run out of steam near the close :)

I can’t really say it’s true.  I may share some of Moondancer’s traits, but I’m certainly not a mirror image of her by far.  Not am I truly Starlight Glimmer or any stereotype of pony that I’ve been exposed to.  The one thing that Moondancer and I have in common though is that we both suffered a substantial emotional wound when we were younger by those who probably intended no malice.

Unfortunately for me, I can’t find those kids that did that from over 30 years ago... hell, I don’t even remember their names... and the catharsis that we see Moondancer go through in Amending Fences is something I’ve never quite felt in full.  At a time or two in the last year or so, maybe.  I recall myself bawling like a baby when I was listening to BlackGryph0n’s song Tell Me on repeat once I heard a certain line in the chorus

Getting back to what my friend said, yes... I believe it’s important to not live in the shadows because you can’t really live life there.  However, I guess what I’m trying to explain to people is my fear.  It’s truly the one thing I am afraid of.  What’s that?

That I’ll be rejected and individuals I meet won’t want me.  Is the fear irrational?  Not really.  Do I let it grow out of proportion far more often than it should?  Yeah.

Right now, I’m going to try and be... different.  I still have emotional hurts--from my childhood, from my marriage, from time spent living in my in-laws (I really don’t recommend it unless you have a good relationship and there are boundary lines) that I have kept to myself out of respect for others as to not burden them.  They’re supposed to be my friends, not an emotional dumping ground where I pour out all the ick and filth and bile and walk away clean and then leave them with a mess to deal with.  That’s neither fair nor incredibly appropriate.

Still, I’ve got to try something.  If it’s being honest with someone I trust and not being afraid and socially awkward, so be it!  The only person I’m hurting in the process by doing that is myself.

It’s time I stopped doing that.