#which could have been ok if the movie had been...better written i guess??

[eyes1nthewoods]

watched nimona. it was ok.

[hiraikotsusama]

ATTENTION! THIS IS A RANT POST ABOUT THOR: RAGNAROK

If you are not interested/a Ragnarok fan please skip, or just don't leave negative comments, thank you.

Ok, here we go.

I personally hate how overrated Thor: Ragnarok is.

People only started criticising Waititi's direction after the Love and Thunder flop, and I was honestly flabbergasted, because... They were criticising the exact same things they loved so much in Ragnarok.

For example, they criticised Thor being too stupid and unserious but... He was already an idiot in Ragnarok? Which, by the way, even as a Loki stan, was the thing I hated the most about the movie (I guess the Odinsons just have a tendency of becoming idiotic scapegoats in every modern piece of media that depicts them. Yes, I'm also referencing the Loki series here.)

But moving on.

Another thing that was funny to me was people (rightfully) criticising the lack of seriousness and conflict with such a great villain. And, once again, I was there standing like... It's the SAME THING that happened in Ragnarok?? Like, the movie that's supposed to be about Ragnarok literally only had like 20 minutes of apocalypse/main conflict with Hela/Surtr in it! Most of the goddamn movie takes place on a dumb garbage planet with the Grandmaster (another wasted character) just fucking around. Little side note here, the Grandmaster is supposed to be the Collector's brother (in the comics and cartoon they both collect rare things and people and compete over it, yadda yadda) and yet this isn't referenced in any way? His powers are never shown. Like what? The potential? Wasted like that? UGH.

Also, this movie adds shallow characters. First of all, obviously, the Grandmaster, who I already covered. Then, and here I'm taking a deep breath waiting to get crucified, Valkyrie.

Ok, I'm going to try and explain this one easily. Valkyrie isn't a bad character, ok? I'm already going to say this since I want to clarify it as soon as possible. I don't think she's bad and I don't dislike her. The problem is, she is given a shallow personality and shallow purpose, at least when I look at her. For instance, I appreciated the way her trauma was portrayed, with her drinking and all, but they do joke about it sometimes (too many) and that I do not appreciate. But then. Her personality just... Ends there. And again, this is comprehensible in a way, but what I do not understand is her just switching sides randomly, like she didn't capture and shock Thor just hours before in the movie. That, plus her serving little purpose to the plot is what irks me the most. Like, the main things she does in the movie are:

1. Capturing Thor and bringing him to the GM.

2. Telling them about the only way out of the planet.

3. Being there in the final battle.

And if this was a better written movie, this would make her a necessary character. But in Ragnarok... She isn't.

She catches Thor, then dips. Ok, just have him randomly land in the GM's throne room, or have him getting caught by another rando who then dips.

The escape? Loki has lived with the GM (and his most trusted court members/whatever they are supposed to be) for two weeks. Do you really think that someone like him couldn't gather such a massive piece of info in this time? Or even better, do you think he hasn't noticed the GIANT EINSTEIN-ROSEN BRIDGE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SKY? He is intelligent. That's the point of his character. He would- SHOULD- have figured it out in a matter of days, the only thing stopping him was getting to a decent ship to cross said bridge, and that's what he actually needed his brother (and maybe Hulk, even if his presence was pretty random) for.

The final battle was disappointing, so I'm not even going to comment this one.

All of this to say that, with the way the character/movie was written, Valkyrie could have been removed, a few changes could have been made and the movie would have been the same. Yeah, she's friends with Hulk, which, cool, but once again this bond isn't used in any way besides her joking with him and Bruce. Her character was treated way better in the What If episodes she appeared in.

[Edit: someone reblogged and thought I was implying that her character should be thrown away. To be clear, I wasn't, I actually like her and do acknowledge that Jane, too, was shallow as a character, I just didn't mention her because she doesn't appear in this movie. All I was saying is that the writing makes her just be there, which is something that pisses me off, too. This was just to point out that Ragnarok just added so many characters with potential that was never used, and Valkyrie is one of them. Hell, you could take away half of the secondary characters, if not (almost) all of them, and the movie would stay the same.]

Then we have Korg. Yeah, I got nothing to say, he's an idiot that used to be a serious/half-important character in comics/series and got severely distorted in this movie like most other characters starring in it. Funnily enough, just like Valkyrie, his character is treated better and is way more useful in What If, which is honestly ironic.

Then, I could talk about the mistreatment of both Thor and Loki's characters but that would take a post the length of the Divine Comedy, so I'll just cut it short and cover the most important points.

Thor and Loki are obviously not appreciated (Loki is disliked more, of course he is), and therefore are written in a very OOC way. Thor turns into a full blabbering idiot and Loki is interpreted as someone whose only purpose is to betray, stab and rule. And that's all I'm going to say for now, even though I might extend the discourse in a future post.

And now, oooh boy, Hela. I loved Hela, I was excited as soon as she appeared on screen. And what happened next? Her brothers got lost in space and we didn't see them interact with her in any way besides her introduction and the short ahh dialogue with Thor in the final battle. I hate this so much. Once again, the movie that's supposed to talk about Ragnarok only shows the conflict in the last 20 minutes of the movie. And we barely see Hela, or at least we don't get to see her as much as we should, given that she's supposed to be the main antagonist of the damn movie. Her character was great, for all that we could see, but she is a walking definition of wasted potential and I despise it.

Now, there is something I do appreciate about the movie, and it's the characterization of Hulk. He finally isn't reduced to a stupid destroyer or dumb beast, and as a huge Hulk fan and Agents of S.M.A.S.H. watcher I liked this. This, and Heimdall being given some scenes and characterization, too. That's it. That's what I liked about the movie.

Now, short list of things I hated to finish the post: Fandral and Volstagg being killed like flies, Hogun meeting a similar fate right after, Sif not even appearing (so much for Sif and the Three Warriors); the constant jokes that were obviously made for an audience of four years olds; Skurge (or whatever his name was) just... Being there? Another useless/misused/mischaracterised character I didn't mention before, because DAMN is this character STUPID; STRANGE just appearing at some point and dipping (like he couldn't help them?? WHY EVEN MAKE HIM SHOW UP AT ALL UGHHH).

I think that's about it for now, thanks for reading this stupid rant. I'm open for constructive criticism and comments, and also for peaceful discussion, so DM me or leave a comment if you feel like interacting.

[ivalice-tifalucis]

So you've just discovered Robbie Williams through Better Man and then got into Take That as well...

That means you're like me hahaha, but I got through this from watching his performance in World Cup 2018 opening ceremony and got curious afterwards.

Anyway, I haven't be able to see the movie yet but I heard the spoilers and I know all the stories like god knows how many videos and documentaries I've watched about them. I almost see when I was in Singapore for New Year's Eve because they got the early screening but I didn't know it was only after January 1st and I was busy going around and my family didn't let me and ok maybe I can watch the next day on the 2nd and...the movie was no longer there. I still regret it now because there was no sign of it about to release in my country. I guess I have to wait for that in streaming service.

You heard some of Robbie's songs in the movie. You saw how his music reflects his feelings and thoughts. He basically writes everything about his life and all his favorite people and enemy. Each get their own songs. Angels isn't really written for his Nan and instead it's this song called Nan's Song, his father is essentially his whole Swing When You're Winning album, Eternity for Geri Halliwell/Ginger Spice, and then for his wife IMO it's Bodies (she's also in the MV, at that time very new to the public and very unknown). And then his children, in general he made Love My Life, his eldest Teddy got Go Gentle, Charlie got M*therfucker, Coco got Coco's Christmas Lullaby, and for Beau I don't know if he made a song yet. And many more there was cover of Me and My Shadow which explains his buddyship with his best friend Jonny Wilkes (who also sings this with him and they never interact these days none of us know exactly why), there's David's Song dedicated to his manager David Enthoven one of the notable person who essentially saved his life, really. He died over 15 years ago.

Take That, is a subject of many of his songs. In return, Take That, especially Gary Barlow and Mark Owen, made a lot of songs for and about Robbie.

This is their songs for each other in timeline order:

How Deep Is Your Love (Bee Gees cover) (1996)

Their last single before they disbanded in 1996 and at that time it was final, none of them know they will return again 10 years later. They announced this single in a very close time they announced their separation lol. At that time there was only four of them because Robbie had already left few months prior. I will never not tell anyone that suspiciously they announced their disband in 13 February 1996 which is Robbie's birthday. It's like a bitter birthday gift, you could say. "Hey, we're done now, no thanks to you." And us fans have been talking whether this song is chosen for their last single because of the interesting lyrics.

2. No Regrets (1998)

At that time, both Robbie and Gary both reaching for their post-boyband solo success. The UK public is like boxing ring to them. In 1998, it was a rather equal ground. Robbie was just starting and he started poorly, Gary had got everything he needed to succeed but lack the charm. After Angels, Robbie got rocket trajectory and famous even beyond Take That teenage girls audiences. He started spewing more bad stories behind the scenes with Take That and Gary in retaliation also spewed bad things about Robbie. He then released this song which he often even explicitly said is about Take That but especially for Gary Barlow (honestly I think this song is just for Gary but he doesn't admit it blatantly). After they mend their relationship, the last lyrics in the song "I guess the love we once had is officially—Dead!" sometimes changed in live performance to "I guess the love we once had is officially Alive!"

3. Believe in the Boogie (2005)

Take That was reunited in 2005 because of the documentary called Take That: For the Record. At that time, the other four's condition was Gary became a reclusive songwriter living in his mansion with his wife and two children, Howard became a DJ living half his life in Germany for his daughter who was raised by his ex and ofc England for his other daughter raised by his other ex and also in addition was slightly depressed and unsure about his life, Jason became a traveling nomad living in his jeep, while Mark...was trying for his solo career. After he won Celebrity Big Brother in 2002, he got a recording deal to make his second album and even got him to be able to reach out to Robbie but the album didn't work out so he had to collect money to finally released his third album in 2004. At that time, Robbie Williams was in and out of rehab. This single was released after the Take That documentary was released and take a look at the lyrics.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh There's a friend of mine Who's wasting all his money Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Think he's had his time Think he's lost his mind Still a friend of mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Could have had it all From the Albert Hall To the uni-ball How the mighty fall

4. Shine (2006)

After the documentary, which actually got big attention in the UK, they had a tour, the beginning of their "Take Two" phase. The tour was very successful that Take That, just four of them, got a record deal to make their fourth that nobody could ever expect, Beautiful World. The second single from this album, is this song, Shine. Sings by Mark Owen and judging by the quirkiness, it is written mostly by Mark (able to detect which song majorly written by who is a skill that a Thatter must have). The song over the years is revealed to be written for Robbie Williams (you should click this link really) who at this point in time, was still in and out of rehab but now also very depressed and reclusive. He even said he was retiring from performing and became agoraphobic. Robbie had held his panic attack on stage for years and it finally got him.

5. Said It All (2008)

In 2008, after the success of Beautiful World, Take That didn't waste any moment and immediately returned to the studio for their next album, The Circus. IMO, this album in almost its entirety are written for Robbie. Fight me if you disagree. And why? Because they recorded this song in LA where Robbie lived, hence that quote from Gary's biography about that movie-like moment where it turned out they tried to look at each other from the windows and balcony they were in. I should've known the moment Robbie started uproot his family back to London and Switzerland, he's planning to try for success in the US. For decades before, he lived peacefully in Beverly Hills because he knows no one there would recognize him. Like, he tried once for US success and he gave up entirely for that reason. Back to 2008, Take That were writing this album and they managed to have someone to contact someone who got to make 4 of them meet Robbie in his home, where they started talking again for the first time since the 90s. It was a start which is why, for many fans, this song is about that moment.

All of the miles of words we've spoken All of the lines that got away Didn't we take the time to say them all?

6. You Know Me (2009)

Not long after, Robbie Williams released his album. He didn't do any promo at all. Just one or two live tv performance and that's even. Not even a tour. He was too afraid and too unsure for that. But, in this album, Reality Killed the Video Star, there is this song that actually his reply to Shine. He never confirm this but the rabbit living in his own fairytale world is referred in his tour with Take That, Progress Live where after Shine is performed, the transition to his setlist is done with a guy dressed up as bunny, entered a screen and become Robbie Williams who jumped out to perform.

7. Shame (2010)

After the success of The Circus, and its gigantic live shows, Gary Barlow returned to LA with his family of four (they just had another baby at that time :3) for a holiday in 2009. This was the time when he, the one in Take That who must've felt the hardest to forgive Robbie, really like really had quality talk together. Gary and his wife visited Robbie's house, and they started writing songs together. The writing sessions resulted in two sings: this one and Heart and I. Robbie then put these two songs to his Greatest Hits album, called In and Out of Consciousness and had Shame as the single of this album. A public statement that Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow had mended their relationship and enemies no more. Robbie even dragged Gary around for the press junkett and small tour in small venues he did for this album...and also the previous one that never got its own tour. Oh, I love return back to those clips, they were so bare, no flashy stage costumes, got nothing to lose. Dude, they looked emotionally charged, you can't fake this maan. Oh yea, there's also that Children in Need before that, it's a lot, you gotta see the documentary or the videos on your own. This was also around the time they just released Progress album and announced the tour next year which led to...

8. The Flood (2010)

The first song that they wrote for this album, mostly by Robbie. Look at the lyrics, this song is a statement. Solid song, who unfortunately never gonna sound the same as long as Robbie not in Take That and Howard sings this in live shows. Robbie sings this sometimes in his shows though, but with the rest of Take That, it doesn't sound the same. Anyway, the whole Progress and its deluxe version Progressed is by far the furthest Take That album ever. Half of the songs in this album is about themselves and their rekindled relationship and half of them is Mark Owen high on alcohol influenced his friends into writing songs about dystopian sci-fi that is terrifyingly relatable today. You should all listen to Progress/Progressed at least once in your life. Another song from this is their B-side, called Rocket Ship and another is never even released by them but Robbie had shown this in his live streaming called Blue World.

9. Different (2012)

After Progress, Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow returned back to their studio and have more quality time together, continue tightened their relationship while also make an album out of it. They eventually cancelled the album and each took the songs they made to their respective albums. To this album that became his comeback after reunited with Take That, called Take the Crown, Robbie had Candy and Different, both were used as the singles. But there is also the song in this album called Into the Silence which from the lyrics you can tell this is a song for Gary. This song in particular, is very close to him, he rarely performed this, by the way. I think the last time he did was when he was touring this album. Even the music video that I shared is the one re uploaded because somehow the original is deleted. I don't know why.

This time I'll be different, I promise you, This time I'll be special, you know I will, Just don't leave with me in your eyes. This time I'll be better, I want you to know, This time I'll be special, oh God, make it so, Just don't leave with me in your eyes, your eyes, your eyes

Gary in his album also had Requiem from his sessions with Robbie. The song is dedicated for his father who died in 2009, if I'm not mistaken. But, there is a song in the deluxe version, called Mr Everything who suspiciously probably was written inspired by Robbie.

10. Into the Wild (2014)

After Progress, they had a break. Robbie returned to his solo, Gary to his solo as well his first album since his badly badly failed second one in the early 00s, and Mark also to his fourth album. And when it's time to return, Robbie preferred to go his own way, he got projects he wanted to do lining up. Jason suddenly quit the band. That left only three of them. The three determined to continue and make their next album, the first since they became just three. One of this song, performed by Mark, Into the Wild, seemed to dedicate to Robbie. Just look at the lyrics.

Up tight, tied up again Tied up again with my one and only friend Your voice is all I can hear All I can hear it's the music to my ears

Staying out of trouble staying in and out of touch In and out of touch I can never get enough Up tight, tied up again Some things will never change

It's almost like we go Dance with desire then we go playing with fire Then we go into the wild again

Tumblr only lets you attach 10 videos in one post so I guess I'll have to stop here for now. There are still many songs to explore. It got less in recent time but doesn't mean there's nothing more. There are. He's not lying when he said "Gary Barlow, I think about you a lot." Even if Mark is constantly thinking about Rob 😂

[ejzah]

First of all, I love your writing. Secondly, any chance you will continue your Secret and Lies story? Lastly, I hate how NCIS LA dropped the Kessler arch so I would love to see your take on a Kensi and Kessler backstory i.e. details of his case, how Kensi caught him etc.

Hi anon,

Thanks so much! I’ve recently updated Secrets and Lies.

I have written a few stories involving Kessler, though I don’t think I explored the history that much.

Given the prompt, this one does touch on some sensitive content.

***

A Past I’d Rather Forget

“Hey, what do you want for dinner? I was thinking about making soup, but I’m not feeling it that much,” Deeks said as he and Kensi walked through their front door. “How would you feel if I pulled out one of the frozen lasagnas.

“Ooh, I could go for some lasagna. And maybe some garlic bread?” she requested, batting her eyelashes at Deeks.

He chuckled, pulling her close to kiss the side of her head. “Anything for my Ladybird.”

“I love you too.” Her phone buzzed, and she pulled it out of her pocket with a groan. “If this is Nell—” she broke off as she read the email, which was not from Nell.

“This is to inform you that an appeal hearing for inmate David Kessler is scheduled for August 18th at 9:30AM. Your attendance is requested.”

“Kens?”

Her head jerked up at Deeks’ gentle inquiry; she’d almost forgotten he was even in the room. Based on his expression, she’d zoned out for more than a few seconds.

“What’s going on?” he asked softly, eyes slightly narrowed in concern.

“Um, that was just someone from the Federal Prison in Winona. With an update on a guy I helped arrest a while ago,” she explained. “I guess he filed for an appeal, which he’s done before, so I’ll have to attend of course.”

“Kessler. You’ve never mentioned him before.”

“Yeah, it happened a long time ago.” Kensi waved her hand dismissively, even as she felt a tightening in her chest and the crawling sensation thinking of Kessler always brought.

Of course Deeks picked up on it. She couldn’t hide much from him, for better or worse. Wordlessly, he took her hand and led her to the couch, waiting for her to sit on one side before he joined her, keeping a few inches between them. He tucked a leg under his body, pivoting to face her

“Ok, and what did this guy do?” he asked, a weight to the question.

Inhaling deeply to control the emotions that always came with dredging up this case, focusing on her tightly folded fingers.

“He was an arms dealer and human trafficker,” she began. “Of minors.” She glanced up briefly, noting Deeks’ carefully blank expression. She appreciated that he didn’t interrupt.

“When I completed FLETC, I thought I’d spend a couple years as an Agent Afloat or junior agent in another country. Imagine my surprise when the great Hetty Lange approached me. I was starstruck and couldn’t believe that she had any interest in me. She was a legend at the academy.” Kensi chuckled a little bitterly now, realizing how naive she’d been in her eagerness to prove herself.

“What did Hetty ask you to do?” Deeks nudged her gently.

“She, um, asked me to go under as a teenager and lure Kessler into a trap,” she answered with a small shrug. “If I dressed in the right clothes and didn’t wear any makeup, I could pass for 16-17. It was enough for Kessler.”

“Geez, Kensi,” Deeks whispered. “For your first case.”

She saw his fist tightly clenched on his thigh, unable to completely hide his growing distress.

“I know.” A film of moisture coated her eyes, and she blinked quickly, determined not to show how much this affected her. “He had several places where he would meet the girls he took. Diners, movie theaters, parks. I wound a story about being from a single home, my dad worked a lot, I hated school, didn’t have many friends, and he ate it up. We messaged back and forth for a while and then,” she sighed shakily. “One day I met him at this rundown little diner off the highway.

“Hetty made it clear that he needed to abduct me and take me to wherever he kept the girls he trafficked. So, I followed him out to his car and let him tie me up and force me in the passenger seat.” A few tears slipped down her cheeks and this time, she did nothing to stop them. “Even though I had a tracker and comms, I was terrified the entire time.”

“Oh Kensi, come here.”

She let Deeks pull her against his chest and wrap her securely in his arms. Digging her fingers into his shirt, she clung to him. Her shoulders shook with a few suppressed sobs. She turned her cheek to the side, sniffing back more tears as she stayed in Deeks’ protective hold.

“He drove for a couple of hours and talked the entire time. About what he wanted to do to me, what he’d done to the other girls. Truly awful things. I think that was the worst part. You know, worrying that he’d stop somewhere else or the tracker wouldn’t work and he’d have time to do those things to me.”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that,” Deeks murmured, kissing her temple, his fingers gentle and calming on her back.

“I signed up for it,” she said. “I could have said no.”

“Yeah, but there’s no way you could have known exactly what you were getting into. No amount of training prepares you for that.”

“No, it doesn’t,” she agreed softly. FLETC certainly hadn’t prepared her. Being on the streets for a year hadn’t. They were silent for a minute while Deeks kept caressing her back.

“How did you get him in the end?” Deeks asked.

“He took me to this old house and dragged me inside, still talking the whole time. It took everything in me not to kick him. Then he dragged me down to this cellar and showed me where he was going to chain me up and where he’d kept other girls. That’s when Hetty told me they had enough to charge him and would be there in five minutes.

“I don’t think I ever moved so fast. The look on Kessler’s face when I broke free and kicked his legs out from under him. By the time a team got there, I had him face down and bound.”

“That’s my girl,” Deeks murmured, and she grinned faintly.

“You know, he sends me letters every Valentines,” she added. It felt odd to talk about it so openly. She’d never told anyone about that first case, not even Sam or Callen.

“You’re kidding me.” Deeks sat up, for the first time sounding genuinely angry.

“I wish I was. They’re routed through the D.C. office and they send them on to me.

“This guy sounds obsessive,” Deeks commented.

“He is,” Kensi agreed. “I think he considers me “the one who got away” in his super creepy way.

“Well, I suppose the silver lining is those letters will be great evidence I favor of him staying put.” Shifting again, Deeks eyed her seriously. “But afterwards, we need to stop him. He shouldn’t have any kind of access to you.”

“I know.” She smoothed the furrow between his eyebrows with her thumb. “I haven’t really thought about him in years, but in a weird way it feels like I’m 26 all over again.”

“Tell me what I can do,” Deeks said. She burrowed more firmly into his chest in response, curling her fingers in his hair.

“Hold me. Remind me that he can’t touch me,” she whispered, closing her eyes tight as Deeks cradled the back of her head, his touch featherlight.

***

A/N: No, I don’t really think messages about an inmate are related via email.

I hope this was ok, and didn’t drift too far from the limited canon details surrounding Kessler. I don’t really enjoy writing Kessler that much, so I approached your prompt in a roundabout way.

Thanks for the prompt!

[fancylala4]

Hi! I see where U reblogged my tangled crit posts 👀

I dont hate it, it just doesnt hit as well as it should. I prefer the barbie version. And I prefer Disney Rapunzel with ROTG Jack because not only they the same age but i find the parallels a bit more fascinating.

I remember seeing a arrow toy Rapunzel themed at Target, just recently I found out she was going to use a bow and arrow beforehand XD much much cooler than a frying pan!

Which begs to question! Why is the franchise so off with its girl characters? Gothel's entire motivation is staying young, Cass ended up a mess, Ariana is underwritten. And Rapunzel barely has another girl her age to hang out with. It's just Cass.

I get it. I disliked the movie at first because of the movie itself and how badly it was written but I started to hate the movie because of the rabid, racist fans and how badly they treated patf just to prop this movie up back in the day. The fandom is still pretty bad from what I seen.

The Barbie version is one of the best adaptations of rapunzel I have ever seen. It’s so good and it holds up perfectly well today except for the animation of course. If you get a chance, you should check out rapunzel’s revenge. It’s a great rapunzel comic and Disney took elements from that version as well.

I definitely agreed that Jack Frost and rapunzel would make a good couple. I liked them way better than him and Elsa and definitely would be way better than creepy dream.

Oh I saw that now in stores and I wonder why they made it when Merida is right there. I did hear that the series writers wanted her to have the bow and arrow but Disney didn’t like that idea. Probably because they wanted her to be helpless and didn’t want her to be taken seriously with a weapon. I remember looking at some Lego sets and I saw that rapunzel had a bow in a set for the series. So I think that rumor was true. Yeah, I would like the bow and arrow way better than that dumb frying pan. I guess it doesn’t matter since rapunzel wasn’t shown as a threat with the frying pan and it was more Flynn’s weapon in the movie.

Yeah, it’s so weird how this franchise is targeted towards little girls and all the female characters in it is just off and can be really offensive. Gothel is a walking outdated stereotype of many, rapunzel has no flaws, gets overshadowed in her OWN movie and couldn’t even drive the plot of the movie! It’s hard to believe this movie was made in 2010, it belongs in the 50s.

I have limited knowledge of the series characters but is cass the one who they made a villain and has blue hair like she’s some anime character? If so, It’s bad because I think I seen people say that she’s a villain because of how she looks and they turned a friendship into a bitter one just in a sake of something dumb. Do the writers think that girls have to be catty to each other or else it’s unrealistic? It’s a weird choice for a franchise targeted towards little girls. Ariana is the queen, right? I think I reblog a post about cultural appropriation in the movie and they mentioned her name. But really? They could have had a good plot point about rapunzel and her getting used to a good mother after what she’s been through. But they thought it was better just to focus on the king, have him be even more abusive to rapunzel than gothel was (reading her diary, following her everywhere and locking her up in a fucking tower after she just got out of one!!) and say that it’s ok because he’s doing it because he loves her.. I also “love” how the queen basically did nothing about this and just say supportive things rapunzel behind the king’s back like that means anything. Disney really needs to hire women for this franchise because this is just embarrassing and sad in this day and age.

[travllingbunny]

So, The Apprentice, directed by Ali Abbasi and starring Sebastian Stan, Jeremy Strong, Maria Bakalova and Martin Donovan, had its world premiere on Monday at the Cannes festival. I have tried to avoid reading too many of the reviews, because most of them are written by people who seem to think they should be describing specific scenes (how do you write a spoiler-filled review for a movie based on real life? That's how), but I have still read several reviews in full and quotes from many others that have been plastered across social media, and seen reactions on Twitter.

And at this point I just have to address how terrible many of these reviews are.No, I don't mean in the sense that they are negative about the movie, I mean that they are terribly written and contain insane, stupid arguments. I will not be able to see the film until it is released worldwide (probably in the autumn), so I can't talk about the film itself and its quality, but some of the arguments are bad by themselves. It's not surprising that, due to the topic of the movie (you know), many are unable to be normal about it even when writing professional reviews. But can you write reviews that don't use arguments like.. (and here am I'm going to list increasingly bad, stupid arguments, with the dumbest and most insane one at the end (including a quote from a review that exudes homophobia and antisemitism))

"Why is this movie made, why now, do we really need it?" (We don't need any movie. No movie is a necessity. And maybe your review shouldn't be about you being pissed off to begin with that there's a movie about Trump, even if it's highly critical and unflattering.)

"We already know all this" (What else did you expect?! That's true of any movie or other fictional work based on real life events and people. Every such movie only tells events you already know if you have done a minimum of research on the topic -information is available online for everyone to see. .Unless you go and just make up things. Should a film based on real events include made up stuff to be better?? Not that the general audiences tend to know all about the real life topics of various biopics and real life fictional work, they usually don't because people don't read up on everything. )

-"Since these things are already known, it's unlikely that it could be a game changer in the elections" - Of course it won't. Who in the right mind ever expects a movie to change minds (people who don't like what's shown will just say it's lies and propaganda, which the Trump campaign is already saying) and affect elections?! What made you think that's what it's meant to do, or what movies generally do.

Anything along the lines of "Trump would hate/love seeing..." Why are you trying to read his mind? Especially weird when you see negative reviews based on the idea "Trump would actually love this because [reasons]" (especially wild knowing some of the extremely unflattering things shown in the movie, but these comments usually contain weird projections to the effect that he will think he looks cool because he 'wins' in the end? Which may say a lot about the people saying these things) Meanwhile, the Trump campaign is threatening to sue the movie

"The movie is tepid, doesn't go far enough... " (OK, in what way...?) "in making Trump look bad enough. it's so dangerous to humanize him" (?!) I guess the better approach would be to portray him as an alien monster from outer space who was born evil. This is obviously stupid in itself, but even wilder when you know it's about a movie where (SPOILER)................................ ....................................he is shown raping his wife............................................................................................. What does it say about you if you think this is still not unflattering enough? (Then again, Trump is not the only POTUS who has had multiple allegations of rape, sexual assault and sexual harrassment against him, in fact that's true of 3 of the 5 last Presidents of the USA including the curent one, so it's more of a feature than a bug in US politics...)

and then similar to this, but even wilder, is the absolute worst argument/criticism I've seen (and it says a lot that this is these are the only negative criticisms of the two central performances that I've seen): the performances are weak because those figures are are not caricatured enough?!

This last argument is something I've seen in only two reviews, but it's so bad that I just have to single it out.

One such is The Telegraph review, which argues that Stan's approach is "too sensitive" and that the role needed an actor who is "more of a caricaturist"?!

I thought this was the worst review I've seen, but it gets even worse in this review from something called Little White Lies (I'm linking the Tumblr repost, because I'm not giving this crap a click):

WTF?! Aside from why you would expect the performance to be campy (I know why...) apparently this dude thinks it's a failing that Jeremy Strong is giving a credible and realistic portrayal of Roy Cohn rather than making him look like a homophobic, antisemitic stereotype?! (I don't know if this dude's description of this other performance is accurate, but I'm going by what is said here.) Which this guy thinks is just the right way to go - obviously he believes (like quite a few liberals seem to) that it's OK and in fact desirable to be bigoted when it's against people who are/were bad, right wing and bigoted themselves. See, Roy Cohn was gay and Jewish and he hated being gay (true) and hated being Jewish (debatable), so it's not only perfectly OK but in fact awesome to be homophobic and antisemitic towards him? Oh but see it's fine because he was a hypocrite? Well, I have news for you - so are you. F**k off.

[crosswire]

ok fuck it. ranking covers of a home at the end of the world by michael cunningham because guys some of these covers slap and some of them are the ugliest shit i've ever seen. this is the kind of post i would have used to make back in my tiktok days but there's no way im opening that app by my own will again. so mutuals read this post.

last place/ugliest cover first.

the stock photo. literally what is going on here. the font is practically unreadable and makes no sense. the image itself looks like someone pulled it right off shutterstock. its giving my middle school vsco account. why are there three women on the front? the story is primarily about two guys and one girl. i mean there is a second female pov but she's not part of the polycule. font is clean but ugly. bye.

the movie poster one. i have so much beef with this cover, even as a movie poster. they literally took three screenshots of the movie and overlayed them into a weird collage type thingy. why is colin farrell standing like that?? why is the character jonathan in the back?? it's giving disney channel. it's giving early 00s--in a bad way. no rights at all. 🍅🍅🍅

the perks of being a wallflower one. i guess there was a craze for late 90s books to have typewriter font in the middle of a minimalistic cover?? i hate minimalistic, abstract covers. you could choose to tell us something about the book but no. here is an orange circle and a black circle. okay.

the modern cover (i assume). i like the watercolor and how it's not too busy but there's still a discernable image (unlike a CERTAIN cover i just discussed...🙄). the font kind of fucks up the whole thing though. it doesn't match the vibes of the book at all. it's very new-adult-romance and just feels off. because yeah technically the book is about new adults and their relationship drama but it's not this...cute.

the uk cover (?). the quality of this image sucks but i literally could only find it on abebooks.co.uk so. it's not bad, just really busy. the font has a shadow so it can be readable but that makes it feel even more cluttered. i like how the angel statue makes an appearance, but all the colors and how bright it is just makes it feel like a little too much.

the color burned one. honestly while i like the vibes i'm not quite sure who this lady is supposed to be. that looks like a wing so she's probably the white angel statue, but she looks too human. and angels aren't different colors like that. i like how this is simple and black, very classy. but ultimately it doesn't really make a lot of sense.

the grey one. this is simple, but nice. it's dark but with light shining behind the house--a nice balance of hardships but also hope, which fits the story. there's a swingset, which makes sense given the story is about growing up, in a sense. and there might have been a swingset at the actual house in the book. can't remember. the font is clean. a little sci-fi/futuristic for my taste but that's alright i guess. this is the cover i have. i guess i should be lucky it's not one of the previous ones but i really wish i had the next one...

the first edition. look it's classy. it's gothic. the angel is there. the sky looks like it could be ohio or nyc. there's powerlines. the font is stylish but not over the top. it's not too bright. it's slaying. one of my favorite things about this cover is how it emphasizes the angel, because the book itself was written around michael cunningham's seminal short story "white angel" which i have talked about a lot on this blog. it also is in a similar pose to the actual angel statue it was based on, the black angel of iowa city (shown below). i'm a fan. i wish i had this cover soooo bad<333

~~~

overall thoughts: most of these covers are kind of shitty lol. this book deserves better</3 if one of y'all live in the US, dont care much about covers, and want a free copy of this book i'll send my copy (the grey cover) to you for free just so i can buy the top ranked one on ebay lol. anyways if u got to the end and found this at all entertaining, tell me so. this was fun to do except when tumblr deleted the whole thing and i had to remake the entire post!!! lol!!!! and y'all should read this book because it's very good and very messy queer and i adore it deeply. <3

[alittlefrenchtree]

Ok, honestly, George is the most annoying character Nick has ever played so far to me, lol. Granted I haven't seen ALL of his filmography, though I've seen A LOT, but there are no redeeming qualities in George. Zero. The show and the writing made sure of that. He's very pretty and he's gorgeous to look at, and that's it. Even with what happened at the end for him (I won't spoil it just in case, lol), I didn't feel sorry. I felt like there was no character growth. It's like he learned nothing... So, in a way, and this might sound weird, I really liked the show as a whole but I feel like George is the "weakest" character/role he's had, even though Nick was surrounded by a stellar cast. And I know we can have characters that are flat out bad or dislikable, but I feel like that's not good when it's a main character and he's supposed to become this great seductor, which I didn't get with George. I know I sound like a hater, but I'm not; I just expected more character development for George and it fell flat, although I enjoyed him very much of course! I can't wait to see The Idea Of You to meet Hayes and see how the movie is like. What do you think about George in M&G? Do you agree with some of the things I've said or do you feel he could be written way better?

First thing first, you will never be called a hater on my blog if you didn’t like a show or a movie or something in the said show/movie, so no worries here, Anon. 

[generally, if you want to talk about a movie/show you didn’t like, give me some arguments like this person here. Don’t drop "this is shit" in my inbox. You’re allowed to not like a performance, but be gentle about the people you’re talking about. If it’s a person you don’t like, I would suggest you to not bother and talk about something/someone else instead].

I don’t really agree with what you said but I do think he could have been written in a better way.

I’m guessing what you implying by George having no character grow is that he’s not getting better any point. Cause we see him grow, he’s just getting… worst. There is a growth between the guy whining in his bed in front of his mom and the guy telling to his mother that he’s so above her he’s not even on the battlefield anymore. But indeed, you’re not supposed to like him or feel sorry for him. It doesn’t bother me but I get how it can be a difficult point for a spectator who needs to find way to relate to a main character.

Where I do agree with you is that they didn’t give George a lot of subtlety in his writing. Apart from his love for his brother, we don’t see much good in him. Even towards the king which is what bother me the most. He could have been more layered, with his love for the king, with his loyalty towards people he sees as friends and involvement in what he believes in. He’s not just this power driven figure who would step on anything or anyone who comes his way but the show made him that way. He’s a bad guy and not much more.

Honestly, I disagree with that part of the promotional speech saying his sex is his power and that’s how he submits people so I understand where you came from with that feeling. He is an attractive man with a seductive behavior but his power comes way more from all the love(s) the king(s) has for him than anything else. He is beautiful but the most extraordinary thing about this story is how much the king loved him so much, he gave him everything and more. George is powerful because the king made him king, not because he is beyond extraordinary himself. For me, the heart of the show should have been that relationship. A relationship that was probably way stronger and less filled with drama that the show wrote to be tv-friendly.

You are right in a sense that, past a certain point it looks like George is not learning but it’s not much shown in the show. George ends up mistaking the power he was given with the competence he has or hasn’t. And he repeats the same mistakes he made in Spain again and again without understanding what he’s doing wrong.

I don’t agree with George being a "weak" role in Nick’s filmography. Quite the opposite for me, it’s quite one of his strongest. I still have to watch The Beat Beneath my Feet, but what Nick did with George was very good. Written!George could have been better but he was still an interesting character (much wider for an actor than Johnnie or Timmy (bless him) or even Luke) and Nick’s performance was great so even if the show was mid for me, it was still a pleasure to see him act in it.

Here you go Anon, hope it answers your questions 🤗

[hedgiwithapen]

Answer the Questions and Tag 5 Fanfic Authors

Tagged by @mosylufanfic

1. How did you get into writing fanfiction?

Daydreamed a LOT. hated writing. Made up stories in my brain, mostly about Digimon. then, was Chronically Unsupervised for a summer and found Fanfiction.net and went oh heck, I could do that? I could just. write one down??? people would maybe like it?? and then I Did That. at this point I had, you see, decided I Liked Writing Now. (active choice, the way I recently decided that I Like Celery.)

2. How many fandoms have you written in?

Uhhhh ok so there's Digimon (technically) and Fablehaven (again, only technically.) Big Hero 6 and then Flash, Young Justice, Supergirl, Stargirl, Avatar, the Librarians, Leverage, Blue Beetle(movie) My Adventures with Superman, Superman and Lois, Legends of Tomorrow, pokemon (game--sapphire) and Agents of Shield. And like. my various RPGs. but a lot of those are like.... just a couple dammit hedgi day ficlets so... shrug?

3. How many years have you been writing fanfiction? the first one I ever posted on the internet was in I want to say 2007. but the first one I guess I ever like. actively came up with was a little booklet about an oddish and a jigglypuff escaping team rocket (they were the only pokemon I could draw) and that was back in like. '99. it had aproximately ten words in it so that's more of a fan comic than fanfiction.

4. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

I write more than I read, I think, but I read more than I finish, excuding the month of september. DHD is an outleir adn should not be counted.

5. What is one way you’ve improved as a writer?

I can do action and fight scenes now!!!! Also I think I'm better at dialog. I used to be real bad at both those things.

6. What’s the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

hmmmmmmmmm. I mean. I feel like the deep diving into victorian flower language maybe? or like. How Trial By Combat worked in the Age Of Knights? How many calories a kitten with superspeed would need, perhaps. oh wait you know what, it's absolutely more obscure catholic patron saints, which I hardly even used in the fics i was researching them for, but man. did y'all know that St. Jude is also called Thaddeus and that he and St. Bartholomew are co-patron saints of Armenia? there's some kind of Barth Allen and Thaddeus Thawne Joke in there.

7. What’s your favorite type of comment to receive on your work?

I really like the key smashy "how dare you." ones. also a big fan of the ones where people leave their favorite line and a string of emojis. I love anything that lets me guess how emotional a person got.

8. What’s the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

uhhhhh idk. metakitties?

9. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Long fics that drastically diverge from canon or are big AUs... I run out of roadmap and then worry no one's really going to care. also, just. ship fic in general. So I do not. or I do so rarely and in smaller sections.

10. What is the easiest type?

present tense introspective fics. those just flow.

11. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

I mostly use google docs, and I also do a lot of hand writing in a notebook. usually sitting at my little computer desk on my bed, or in the back hall at work, and typically in the afternoon-evening.

12. What is something you’ve been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

ehhhhhhhh I'm not really like. intimidated by anything that I'm interested in doing? I'm just lazy. lol.

13. What made you choose your username?

Assigned Hedgehog by cubscouts when I was a counselor at a summer camp. It Stuck.

uhhh I tag @windona @pennflinn @wrencatte @thenarator and @parvumautomaton but no pressure but also anyone else who wants to do this.

[jurijurijurious]

Tagged by @period-dramallama - thank you!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?:

Seven. Not enough.

(Guys there's no number 2 in this thing, where did it go??)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

At present, ReBoot and sometimes I drop back into Elizabeth (1998). I was much more of a fanfic slut in my youth, multiple fandoms on the go. (I've done Power Rangers, Doctor Who, Star Wars, Disney's Hercules...)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Dodge and Burn (ReBoot)

Road to Ruin (ReBoot)

Mea Culpa (Elizabeth 1998)

Inconcessus fructus (Elizabeth 1998)

Dodge and Burn: Chapter 11.5 - Optional Add-on (ReBoot)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes. It's something I've always done. I think it stems from the early days of Fanfic.net and Live Journal where many people were more generous with their time and left lots of comments and engaged in discourse, whereas now I get very little feedback. I enjoy thanking people or answering questions, it makes the work put into a fic feel worthwhile that it's created some kind of engagement. I think society now is more geared to comsuming but not reflecting which is a shame.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I'm hoping "Dodge and Burn" will fill that gap. I'm not sure Mea Culpa or Incon' were angsty? They had angst but I think the ending tied up ok.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

What's a happy ending? I don't think I've written a happy ending for years. Maybe back in my Doctor Who days.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not any more. I wrote a Star Wars fic a good 20 years ago which to be fair was terrible and featured lots of unnecessarily cruel tropes but it got a lot of love at the time, until quite some years after, someone randomly began reviewing every chapter and bombing it. I don't know why they kept wasting their time on something they really didn't like, I guess people enjoy dumping on others. I just turned off the notifications, it was wirtten too long ago for me to care. I've grown since then. I don't get hate any more really, my fics are super niche rarepairs in minority fandoms, I don't get many readers. You're either into it or you've never heard of it.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes. It's pretty tame overall, I try to focus on emotion rather than action. I seem to enjoy writing some sub/dom elements - not proper BDSM but there's certainly power play in my smut. It's a battlefield more than a bedroom.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I've touched on crossovers but they're such hard work and really only appeal to me rather than a wider audience as I fix on really weird-ass combinations. I've never finished a crossover fic. I started a Lion King/Discworld one many years ago. Recently I had fun with Elizabeth (1998)/Attack on Titan. I wrote some snippets and am determined it could work if I put my mind to it but yeah, way too niche.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I doubt it. I have this low key - not fear, perhaps curiosity - that things I wrote years ago might have been repackaged and recirculated and I'd have no idea because I've lost touch with so any fandoms.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? 

No. I'm too much of a control freak to want to share a fic.

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

I can't choose one. I love, love, love Elizabeth/Walsingham (Walsibeth) from the Elizabeth movie as it just means so much to me, and it's been with me a long time. And I feel like it's almost exclusively mine, I've read very few other fics of that pairing before I started writing it in the mid 2000s.

Megabyte and Dot from ReBoot are my current obsession and again that pairing is something I've liked for a long time. They're so much fun to write, at constant battle with each other. I think I'm better at writing them now that I'm older as I can tap into life experience and not just ride on my youthful hormones.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I rarely finish anything tbh. I will say Dodge and Burn, i desperately want to finish it but my legacy does not bode well for it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Sexual tension I think? Maybe.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I have been overly descriptive in the past and spoon fed the reader with the character's thoughts and motivations. I'm trying to peel back from that and show rather than tell. There will definitely be other weaknesses. I feel like I focus too much on dialogue but I love writing dialogue. I hate writing battles or heavy action scenes, I need to focus on building my skills in that area.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I'm not a linguist so I wouldn't dare.

19. First fandom you wrote for? 

If we're talking pre-internet childhood, maybe Power Rangers?

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

I do love Dodge and Burn which I'm currently working on, it's a lot of fun, but I remain proud of Inconcessus fructus that I wrote in the mid-2000s, I actually think it's one of my best pieces of writing and I fear I peaked back then.

Tagging @buginateacup @thisbluespirit @thatfilthyanimal if you fancy.

[anawinchester02]

My Birthday

March 24, 2002

I am fifteen today. 

I have not written in a while. I haven’t had time.

Sam has been gone for a month.  It’s just been me, Dean, and dad. It’s been tense. Dad’s been drinking a lot. He’s been angrier than usual. 

He said I didn’t have time to waste on writing stories, so I stopped. I wonder why he even bothered giving me this journal. 

Dean hasn’t been the same after Sam left either. I guess none of us have. But Dean was the same with me, at least. But I could still see sadness in his eyes. Like it was his fault somehow. I never say anything about it, I just talk a little sweeter to him and hug him a little tighter. I think it helps. 

With dad I’ve just been trying to get more enthusiastic about hunting. I’m trying to be his perfect hunter. Even though I’ll never compare to Dean. Or Sam. We never talk about Sam, and dad is still angry, no matter what I do.

I’m only writing today because it’s my birthday, and dad isn’t here.

Dad left three days ago. He said he’d be back for my birthday, but he called Dean this morning and said it was going to take a few more days. He didn’t mention my birthday. I heard the whole conversation. Dean thought I was asleep, and when he woke me up, he told me dad called to say happy birthday and told him to take me to a nice dinner and a movie. He didn’t say that, but I smiled at Dean and acted happy anyway.

“Where do you want to go, pipsqueak?” Dean asked me, ruffling my hair.

I hesitated. This was my chance to have any kind of day I wanted. 

“I think I’d just rather go practice my shooting, Dean.” 

His face seemed to drop. “Babygirl, it’s your birthday. We can do anything you want!” he encouraged. 

“I know. That’s what I want to do.”. I smiled. 

“Ana c��mon. Dad isn’t here.” He insisted. 

“Yeah but, I like shooting, and I was sloppy on my last hunt. I could use the practice.” 

Dean looked sad. 

“But… can we go get some pie afterwards for dinner? Instead of a cake.” I smiled again. That finally got him in a better mood. 

“That’s my girl!” he exclaimed, slapping the bed and standing up. 

I don’t like pie. I never really have, but it makes Dean happy, so I pretend I do so I can cheer him up sometimes by asking for it. I didn’t really want to go shooting either, but I know it would make dad happy, and even better than that, it would make him proud. 

They needed the mood boost more than I did. 

So Dean and I went and grabbed some breakfast, then spent the day at the shooting range. I perfected my shot on Dean’s revolver, which I always loved to shoot, the kickback just always threw me off. 

On our way to pick up an apple pie, Dean struck up a conversation. 

“You didn’t really want to go shooting for your birthday, did you?” 

I thought hard about what to tell him.

“Maybe not. But I want dad to be proud of me. And I wanted to spend the day with you. So it’s been a pretty good birthday.” I smiled softly at him, but the smile didn’t reach my eyes. 

“Ana, you know dad is always proud of you, right?” He asked. 

I didn’t say anything. I just listened to the hum of the engine and the soft song that was playing on low volume.

“Ana?..” he sounded softer. 

“Hm?” 

“You know I’M always proud of you, right?” He asked me, looking over to me for a moment. 

My smile is real that time. 

“Yeah, Dean. I know.” 

He’s silent for just a moment, then, “happy birthday, kiddo.”. 

I look at him. He’s beaming with pride at me. I reach to turn the music up. 

“Hush. I love this song.” I say. He laughs. 

We sang along to “Wanted Dead Or Alive” the rest of the way to the diner, laughing at each other. 

Once the pie was finished, we went back to our motel and watched Scooby-Doo until we were falling asleep. 

Dad texted Dean close to midnight. 

-Case near you. I’ll call with details. You leave tomorrow. 

Dean lets me read it, and I hide any annoyance at the lack of a “happy birthday, Ana.”. 

-Ok

is all Dean texts back. I asked to text him too. 

-Ready for the next case. I love you, dad. ~Ana 

-8500 Washington Ave

is all he texts back. 

Dean just took the phone back quietly. 

“I’m gonna hit the hay, kid.” He tells me.

“Okay. I think I’ll study a bit and then get to bed. Is that okay?” I lie. Dean still thinks this journal is used for research and studying. 

“Whatever you want, princess.”. He rolls over and closes his eyes. 

“I love you, Dean.” I mutter. 

“I love you too, Ana-banana.” He says, promptly following it with some light snores. 

It was a good birthday. 

~Ana Winchester 

[spookfished]

media roundup june 2023

hey guys guess who just went "oh its the 4th of july. that means that its july" here im going to talk about things i read/watched/played last month! i didnt read as much but did finish a couple books that ive had checked out Forever. ok actually i read a lot woops

books/comics/written media:

fake dates and mooncakes by sher lee: fake dating (obv) premise between a cooking boy and a rich heir! book that made me realized im honestly just not that interested in ya romance anymore LMFAO. pretty sweet and a decent read, but landed more heavily on the expository end of uhh i guess diaspora fiction? than i really prefer. i think i picked this up bc the author got mega cancelled on tyk twitter lol??

bird by bird by anne lammott: book about how to write. i love to read about how people do stuff :3 some of the advice applies pretty universally to creative efforts i think.. made me want to write more too

john dies at the end by jason pargin: DNF. comic/horror about this loser guy who discovers stuff. sigh i tried so hard to like this book its supposed to be pretty 'mecore'...talked about this with alena a bunch but its like hm... i know the sort of casual offensiveness sort of goes in hand with being poor and white and in the midwest and i appreciate how its like that creates its own doomed narrative or whatever. but also i feel like the protagonist would call me slurs or something. also the lowgrade but pervasive orientalism is kinda offputting. probably fun for some other guy! i did enjoy the horror elements though

the goldfinch by donna tartt: literary coming of age about a boys relationship with a painting (the goldfinch). also he flops a lot and its sort of homoerotic i guess? a movie was made of it. so something to note is that ive had this book out on loan since literally december. neil kept on being like hey man just stop reading it LMFAO. thoughts cp'ed from discord:

why does the goldfinch feel like a 600 page leadup to the actual book which is 800 pages

idk at this point im kinda sick of pathetic lovelorn self obsessed semi literary men. like toku men are also sopping and pathetic but i think its more appealing when they are also kind and can be vulnerable. this guy is just annoying and kind of incel coded. like does a grand gesture to make up for the fact that he killed your dog while dogsitting

i actually did enjoy the parts post timeskip but i still think the first two thirds could have been cut or Greatly compressed or interspersed w the present or Something, yk? prose was nice though

the bodyguard by katherine center: romance novel about a woman bodyguard who lives for her job. fresh from a breakup, shes given a new undercover assignment with a handsome actor, recently withdrawn from society. will they be able to break each others' shells....? my mom recommended this to me LMFAO we kind of have different tastes in romance.. ive read a book by this author before i think her platonic scenes are very strong? i wish there had been a couple more of those. also i like how she always includes a life affirming section at the end about how important it is for us to open ourselves up to love etc etc cute but not especially memorable

kiss quotient by helen hoang: (reread) a shy, autistic econometrician decides that she needs to get better at sex, and so hires an escort. helen hoang is one of my faavorite romance authors i really enjoyed this reread although i kinda forgot that both leads say, think and do some pretty embarrassing things. but you know a little embarrassment is endearing and all that.. i still prefer her other book (the bride test) but this one is pretty good too. vivid characters 👍

sisters of dorley hall by alyson greaves: web fiction - a trans woman infiltrates a secret force-feminization program. ok im just cp'ing my thoughts from discord again but i enjoyed it a lot:

my thoughts are that the first like, third? is really really good. it like idk takes the very real trans fears of like discovery and passing and all that and fictionalizes them a bit. but like its still grounded and swag. sooo tense once The Reveal happens n things w steph are pretty normal it gets kinda meandering? which i dont really mind bc i love interpersonal drama even if i miss how tense and scary it was. but also theres only like two major plot threads going on rn and theyre both pretty slowburn. a timeskip would probably benefit tbh like the point rn is kinda like. the 7 year meteor? yeah sorry

like it used to be sort of psychological thriller? and now its sort of more character focus and also surprisingly fluffy.. im surprised that the author has said they have a complete outline bc it doesnt feel very focused atm? but also like i suppose things are snowballing a bit re: revealing the sisters to the outside world

an unauthorized fan treatise by lauren james: a fangirl trying to prove her rpf ship is real uncovers a greater conspiracy. to me if something is able to capture a specific age/vibe from the internet its automatically pretty good. however more and more people are learning how to do that so maybe i should change my standards... i was never involved in All That re: rpf or even fandoms of live action shows until kamen rider? but like i definitely knew people in hs that were sort of like this LMFAO so it felt very familiar. i appreciate the author trying to make that $$ but i dont know if it really needs an expansion/sequel.. the ending is better off with some ambiguity imo

impossible us by sarah lotz: literary romance? a man and a woman fall in love online, but encounter difficulties when they try to meet. ok im just pasting my thoughts here again (spoilers btw):

ok that was a lot of stuff. onto movies/tv:

xo kitty: kitty goes to a school to connect with her online boyfriend, but all is not well. yall this was not good. i guess my standards shouldnt have been that high but to all the boys ive loved before was so cute!! (havent watched/read the others). but like.. the writing was bad and the main actress just wasnt very sympathetic or charming? characters waste time saying "i can explain" until time runs out for them to actually explain, additional (and nonsensical) romance plots are added for no reason, and the male lead isnt even that hot. sorry. also kitty deciding to move to korea to connect with her mom but not bothering to learn a speck of korean and insisting that everyone else speak to her in english really sucks honestly. not even my mom liked it so thats how you know its bad 👎

succession season 1: yesss succession. greg is my favorite cant wait to see him become evil. makes me stressed

shin kamen rider (hideaki anno): reboot of the first kamen rider by the guy who made evangelion. this guy kinda makes the same thing over and over but it looked sick as hell so i wasnt complaining. like stella obstinaterixatrix said, kinda more introspective or even insular to the point of kinda ignoring the usual kr theme of justice but it was still very fun :3 kinda want to watch the original now

ready player one (movie): my parents made me watch this movie. aggressively mediocre.

kamen rider revice and live and evil and demons: pretty fun if you have the disease that makes you think revice is good, but mostly made me miss revice. i think they should have gone more into the clone thing but i always think that so

kamen rider juuga vs kamen rider olteca: two-parter special for kr revice. i forgot what happened in this pretty much immediately after but karizaki was hot

roman holiday: a princess touring in rome escapes her duties for a day, and meets a dashing young reporter. classic romance!! i actually liked this so so much like it actually is very romantic and funny and like deserves the hype. didnt expect it to be in black and white even so audrey hepburn is really hot. (spoilers) more romances should have bittersweet endings though like it hit

kamen rider ryuki: a young man is inducted into a battle royale between those fighting for their deepest wishes, and decides to try and stop the rider battle once and for all. hey guys ryuki is so fucking good for those who have watched madoka magica a lot of it is very heavily based off of/inspired by ryuki! but ryuki does it better. pretty much The kamen rider has so much to say about justice and love and what it means to be a hero and sacrifice and *runs out of air and falls over* also it made me cry. if you ever try kamen rider try this one <3

EDIT OH i forgot about across the spiderverse 100/10 obviously groundbreaking in animation nice take on generational trauma and also like the nature of adaptation and being in a multimedia comics franchise and all that. really hope the sequel doesnt get crunched too bad. oh but copaganda not great 99/10

video games:

twisted wonderland: gacha game where random disney villains are bishie high schoolers instead. ill play chapter 3 sometime soon i swear. gameplay is terrible as with most gacha games but the characters are cute? i feel terrible guilt for being involved with a disney franchise. honestly pretty compelling character writing sometimes though sorry

apico: stardew-like about raising bees (in beta). sooooo cute and the devs obv care about bees a lot in real life. the gameplay loop + breeding systems are a little bit punishing right now though i really hope it gets adjusted. took over my life during finals (woops) and i got like half the bees and then burnt out. multiplayer is fun though!

legend of zelda tears of the kingdom: the next zelda game, now featuring building + vertical elements. yeah this took over my life for two months like it did for a bunch of other people i finished the main story a couple days ago! i might go back to do a couple more of the shrine puzzles, but other than that i think im done. LOVE the vertical elements and also all the little sidequests there are to do and how the world has changed since botw. dragons tears was really good and OMG PROVING GROUNDS. would be a 10/10 if zelda was the protag stop damseling her you guys cmon

paper mario origami king: newest paper mario game, which is a spinoff of the main series where theyre all paper (duh). im about halfway through this, i think? tried it out because of the dunkey video lol and also bc it was free at my library. very charming and inventive, has a really good soundtrack and really funny writing! i know the gameplay was controversial, but im enjoying it a lot (and theres a lot of room for error). might 100% it

it feels like this month i tried a lot of things that i didnt really like LMAO. also a lot of romance. im very happy about finally finishing the goldfinch! the only holdout on my libby is slaughterhouse 5 :P i did find some things that i really liked though! anyways this one feels a bit more scattered but if you got to the ending, congratulations! thanks for reading :3

[night-unfurls-its-splendour]

🌤️ 🌩️ ☔

🌤️Share your favorite piece of dialogue from your WIP.

Published or unpublished? Because have so much favorite dialogue from all of the published chapters. And not much to choose from for Ch. 8. So I guess I'll do one of each.

The first is from Chapter 5, where Erik has just played her an excerpt from his new composition and Christine is feeling quite inferior to him, as an artist. She says that she has no genius of her own. Which Erik is of course very offended by:

"You must never forget that skilled as I am, though I say it myself, I am not so powerful as to be able to imbue talent where there was none before. I am only able to foster what nature has already gifted you. Do you understand me? And please say that you do, Christine, for you must know—know—that it is not in my nature to lie about music to spare anyone's feelings; even yours."

And then I don't have much dialogue at all written for Ch. 8, but this kind of connects to the above incident:

"Father always said he wasn't really talented," she sobbed quietly. "He said he simply practiced well. When he would tell me of the Angel of Music, I asked if he'd ever heard the Angel, and he shook his head and told me that he'd never been so blessed."

And Erik connects this with the fact that Christine did the exact same thing earlier in the evening.

🌩️ Share something funny/cracky from your WIP.

OK its not terribly funny, per se. I've been forced to confront today that I just don't do a lot of comedy in my writing. Except perhaps for the passage in chapter 5 where Erik mentally calls Carlotta a "contemptible cow" and then considers making her "moo" instead the next time.

But this is a scrap I have written for a future chapter:

Only Meg Giry had made any effort in those first few months to befriend her, and that had been an exercise in understanding when Christine required her solitude. That must have been quite an effort for little Meg, curious and nosy as she was. More than once he'd had to hold closed some hatch or panel which Meg had sniffed out to prevent her from confirming her discovery. She was a chronic pebble in his shoe.

☔Is there a fic concept you have that you'd like to just explain and share because you're not sure you'll ever write it? If so, what is it?

Ah okay this is actually excellent. Yes.

So I've been reading Driven by the wonderful and lovely TryingNotToLoveYou, where each chapter is named after and accompanied by lyrics from a different Depeche Mode song. Now I LOVE Depeche Mode. Every fic (published or WIP) that I've ever thought of for poto has a title taken from a DM song. It's just such PotO music.

One song in particular has always stood out to me: A Question of Time, in which the narrator expresses his fear and concern for a young girl and how it won't be long before "They" (this can be interpreted to mean men specifically or society in general) start to take advantage of her. He says "I've got to get to you first, before they do". The song also contains the lyrics "I'll take you under my wing; somebody should" which of course brings to mind "The Angel of Music has her under his wing".

This song was released in 1985 and my idea is for a movie based 1985 AU where a young Christine is an aspiring singer who gets signed to Erik’s record label.

I would love to write this fic. The problem is, its more of a vibe, an atmosphere, than an actual story in my head. I don't think I could write a story for any time period after 1918 to be perfectly honest.

In some ways I feel like I have a better understanding of life-patterns older periods. And the 80's would be particularly tough for me because its kind of in the middle as far as history goes. Its not far enough back to feel like fantasy-land but just far enough back that I wasn't alive yet and I don't even have a firm enough grasp of life in the 90's to fall back on (I was born in 95). So even though I'm probably the most familiar with the 80's out of any period in the mid-20th century pop-culturally, I still feel unqualified. And as for plot? Beyond this starting point, I have no idea where I would even start. I can't imagine writing any kind of long-fic, especially a modern!AU one. When the Longing Returns is actually just a short fic that has been stretched out by my excessive wordiness 😅😂

[olderjodijournals]

Thursday, September 1, 1994

 

Wow, it's already September 1st. Time really does fly. I have quite a bit to write about, but quite frankly, I'm not in the mood right now. 

I finished off 35 with letters and have decided to do a BOL #12 in 79. I'll go do that now with the two Bob letters I got today.

Friday, September 2, 1994

 

I have mega updating to do and now’s as good a time as any to do it. I’ve talked with Andy every day since he’s been back and he’s doing OK. He came over yesterday for a few hours. We hung out at the pool for a while and it was great cuz we saw no bees. I saw none today, either. They’re getting less and less.

He told me that in the next few months, Gloria’s going to be releasing an album of oldies. Yeah!

I recorded a couple of songs off of old records for him which was much easier than taping. What a turntable Tom has! I’d have loved to have that before I had tapes and CDs.

Kim and I talked. Her 24-year-old cousin Pam died of some kind of intestinal problem. She took it hard, I guess, cuz they were close. She said she got tickets to come out here from Nov. 10-16. I’m happy but worried. I just don’t want any problems with me and Tom.

Andy and I were talking about this letter my mom claims to have written to me. I discussed it with Tom, too. Tom thinks she misplaced it, although she said it was mailed out. I think that if it wasn’t lost, she never even wrote it. Andy thinks she never wrote it. Why? I have a couple of theories. Perhaps it’s out of a certain type of spite that she feels cuz I don’t need her anymore. Cuz I really am grown up now and she can’t control me. Maybe it was something she said to get me to tape the Barbara Streisand special, although I’d have gladly done that for nothing.

People say they’re going to do stuff they never do. Like with Tom. Yeah, I know he’s busy, but I don’t think he’ll ever type a response to what I typed up. I also don’t think he’ll ever write to Lisa, either.

I am so fucking pissed right now! I could literally scream. There’s a movie on now I really wanted to see, but there’s a fucking storm going on. Why do these storms have to come when I want to watch something that bad or when I’m asleep?

Saturday, September 3, 1994

 

Today I begin phase 3 of the Phase-Out system. I can just imagine the difference it’ll make in how I feel, as it sure as hell made a difference in Phase 2. The great thing is how much better I feel. The not-so-great thing is that I still want to smoke just as much as usual.

I called Dr. Wilcox’s office yesterday and they’re sending me a form to sign and send back to them so they can send me my medical records to give to the new doctor. Yesterday I got my cut-off notice from Access. They have this program, though, for those who are no longer on SSI or SS that need regular medical care such as I do, but I’ll call them to tell them I don’t need it cuz I’m on Cigna. I’m also going to call my new doctor or Cigna pharmacy and ask about water pills. I really need them. Not only does it help with water and bloating, but also it helps alleviate the soreness in my tits that I get before that time.

Gotta call Prodigy to see if I got any mail. I’ll do that when Tom leaves. He’s working on a program right now and then at 1:00 he’s going to work on Eldon’s computer.

I hope we have time to get a little fun in before he leaves, but if we can’t, we can’t.

I began another book of letters in Book #79, but I may or may not keep it going. I probably will and not turn any of it into a personal journal cuz it’s good for when I’m bored.

Later...

Today I’m having one of those days where I feel skinny. I love it right after my period. I’m not retaining any water, I took a dump (a much-needed one) and I exercised. I’m in a good mood too, although I hope we can have sex tomorrow. Today I’ll just take care of myself.

I got a letter from Alex today and something else pretty strange. It was a good luck chain letter mailed from Hartford. Tom said he thinks someone who knows me and knows I got married sent it, but I can’t think of who would do that. I took an envelope and addressed it to Tammy in different handwriting with no address label. She’ll probably throw it out, but if anyone needs better luck, it’s her and her family. There was no return address when I got it and it was handwritten. It looks like a female’s handwriting. What do I think? I think it was randomly mailed off or from one of those moneymaking jobs I sent away for information on. Tom brought up a good point, though. I ordered all that information in my maiden name.

Anyway, Tom said he’ll buy me a lottery ticket and we’ll see.

I talked to my parents who said they tried to call the other day. They got my figurine in one piece too, and loved the concert by Barbara. She also did write the letter but sent it to the wrong address and it was returned today to her. Thank God it didn’t get lost cuz then who knows when she’d write again. She hates to write. She said it said there was no such street number. Thank God there’s no such street number as someone like me or Andy could’ve gotten it and kept it.

Tom said not to worry at all about Kim coming to visit. That he wants me to be happy and he trusts my judgment. That’s cool, cuz neither of us ever wants to fight. We both realize that we both can’t always have our way. We know that’s life, though.

I never thought I’d live to say this, but I believe in “for better or for worse,” and in forever and so does he.

Last night’s storm really did a lot more than knock out the cable. It knocked a tree down on our other next-door neighbor’s lawn across W. Weldon. There is tons of shit in the pool. I’d dive down and get it now, but I just did my hair, so I’ll wait. We also lost more of the green rafters out over the patio.

Later...

I can’t believe I forgot to write about the word search program! Oh, it’s so cool, too. Tom found one of his old programs that it was on. All you do is type in what words you want after you head it with a name and it scrambles it up into a word search puzzle. You can have it be super tiny, to 2/3 of a page. It will tell you if you’ve got too many words or if you’ve typed the same word twice. I did some for Tom, Andy and myself. I also mailed off puzzles to my parents, Tammy, Bill & the girls, Kim, Bob and Alex. To Tammy and everyone, I made 5 puzzles. One is titled Tammy & Bill’s Only, cuz there were lots of swears, the other’s titled, Everyone’s Puzzle, Lisa’s Puzzle, Becky’s Puzzle, & Sarah’s Puzzle.

Sunday, September 4, 1994

 

God, do I feel sexually frustrated! There's been plenty of times yesterday and today where we could've done it, but obviously he's just not into it. I mean, I run around here half-naked and he won't touch me. Why do I turn him off? Maybe I should wear more clothes to cover up my flaws. He always tells me I'm beautiful, so maybe there's something physiological about him that makes him have such a low sex drive. The next time he's in there will tell me if he really meant it when he said he came last time. If he doesn't cum next time (whenever that will be), then I'll wonder, cuz he said once he gets over his “block” and cums, it's non-stop from there.

Monday, September 5, 1994

 

Just when I reach the peak of my sexual frustration, Tom comes to the rescue. We fooled around yesterday, but he only went down there. That worked out OK, though, cuz sometimes that’s all I want. I’m not surprised we didn’t do anything today. We could’ve made the time, but we were pretty busy. I’m too beat to write about it now, but I will later if I have trouble sleeping.

Tom, or one of us, really oughta call Dimension Cable and ask why the cable goes out so much. It doesn’t only go out when it’s storming. It’s as calm as can be out there right now, but it just went out. At least nothing’s on I really want to see.

Today we rearranged the back room. We put the computer, printer, and desk on the opposite wall.

We also dropped in on his parents for about 45 minutes. We returned to them (Marge & Ray) a glass dish she used to give us a cake she baked, as well as some canceled stamps from where Tom works. She gave us some brownies today that were really good.

The scale says I’m 101, but I would really love for it to say 95. It’s easier to lose a lot of weight than it is to lose a few pounds.

Yesterday when Tom stopped at the grocery store, he got me a new drawing pad as well as some Garfield stationery. He said the stationery would be good for writing Lisa’s letter.

Uh-huh. I still gotta see that to believe it, but after all the guy has been busy. He’s just not into writing, but I think most people aren’t into writing.

Marge gave me a great idea as she was showing me the quilts she made. I’m knitting about 1½ feet maybe by 3 feet. Then, I’m going to take an old towel, wrap the knit around it, sew it up, and the end result will hopefully be a pillow.

So, are we going to get those damn wedding pictures this week? I sure hope I get my mom’s letter. If she mailed it out today, I’d get it by Thursday hopefully.

I haven’t heard from Andy for a few days. He must be busy catching up on all his soaps as well as his music.

There’s this lizard I see outside in the very same spot all the time. Maybe he wants to be my friend.

The day before yesterday I laid out on the raft and it was so beautiful and quiet. I got some color and I was shocked, as I never saw one bee. Only one as I was leaving, but it wasn’t near or in the pool.

Oh! I don’t think I wrote about printing out the 23 journals I’ve completely typed up. I made the print super small, so as not to have to use a million pieces of paper. They totaled 133 pages. I put them in a 3-ring binder. I also folded my old address labels over the side of page 1 of each journal to separate them. I numbered the page of each one and drew lines in between the entry dates with my pink pen.

I’m not sure if I mentioned getting our personalized notepad yet, but we did. They stick up top and say “Tom & Mystery.”

Tuesday, September 6, 1994

 

Another day of feeling sexually frustrated. The guy’s too tired, but what can I do? I basically fend for myself. I have questions I want to ask Tom, but he’ll just take it like I’m trying to pick an argument with him. Well, I did ask him if he was over that block he said he had. He told me when we first met that once he gets over his block and is able to cum, then he has no problem cumming again. Earlier tonight, though, he said, “I don’t know. We’ll see.” That deepens my suspicion that that time he said he came, he really didn’t. I don’t think it’s possible for a guy to cum without having anything come out of their dicks. Well, I could maybe ask Andy sometime whether or not it’s possible.

Now there are a couple of other things that have me confused. The other day, on our way to his parents, I asked him what kind of rubbers he had. He was all embarrassed cuz I’d said that at a stoplight and the window was down. Like the person in the next car would’ve picked on us cuz I said that - right! Well, the big question is how come that embarrassed him yet he wasn’t embarrassed to talk about our sex lives with Wendy and Geri? He told me that when we first got together and I was so tight that he mentioned that to them. He said that someone said, “At this day and age they should have ways of stretching pussy.” He asked me if I minded that he talked about personal stuff. I didn’t mind and I still don’t mind.

Another thing is that I said we could’ve found the time to squeeze in some fun yesterday, but then he said that by the time I got up, he’d already put in a long hard day. True, but then why was he able to move and lift lots of stuff around for hours after I’d gotten up?

I think I’m about ready to give up trying to analyze things and just keep all questions I have to myself. He’s very sensitive and I don’t want him to take any questions I have personally or in the wrong way.

When we do get together for sex it’s nearly always great and we say we can’t wait to do it again. I mean it when I say that, but does he?

He says he doesn’t want me to put anything else above him and I’ll make sure till the day I die that I try never to do that, but I feel like sometimes the computer and the TV come before me. I don’t mean just having sex with me. I mean cuddling. He never stops me when I sit on his lap when he’s sitting in his chair or wherever, but why doesn’t he ever take my hand and sit me down on him? He does when I’m really upset and that’s great, but it’d be nice more often when things are fine.

I asked him if he was trying to punish me cuz of Kim coming to visit in Nov. and he said no. That’s good to know cuz just cuz one of us has company, doesn’t mean we still can’t have sex or spend time with each other in spite of it.

I want to believe everything he tells me, but sometimes it’s hard. Even when he tells me I’m sexy. I suggested using rubbers if he’s over his block so at least he doesn’t have to worry about my getting pregnant. We can’t afford it now, as good as a breadwinner as he is cuz we first have to completely pay off the house, the wedding, and the rings. I’ve always been used to taking care of myself sexually when necessary, but now I’m back again thinking that it might be best for us not to have sex. This way I can’t (and neither can he) get my hopes up for it, then not being able to for whatever reason. I know and accept that we both can’t always have our way and that there’ll be times when only one of us is available for sex, but I still wonder if he wants me that bad in a sexual way.

At least there’s one thing I’ve never doubted. That’s his true and sincere love for me.

A few hours ago I made two copies of the same word search puzzle. For the second time, we raced each other and I won by a landslide!

Thursday, September 8, 1994

 

Today was a great day. Things were so much better today with a lot of things. I got up at 11:30 today and went to an ENT. He told me that one of the reasons why my bad ear may be so sensitive is cuz I may have a skin growth that’s been building up. He mentioned some bone thing in the good ear, too, but said not to worry and that it won’t ever be a problem. Let’s hope not. He said he’d like to do a CT scan as well as some hearing tests and asked if I could try to get old records from Boston. He’d like to see the CT scans I had done in ‘87 or ‘88.

He’s also heard of Dr. Shutnik. He mentioned him before I ever did. I guess he was rather well known.

He said he didn’t know if the operation would be covered by our insurance or if the operation would be a big deal or not. He said there weren’t too many people around that did the type of surgery I’d need and that the operation would be about 5 hours and I could be in the hospital. Tom and I are going to at least check into it. It’s amazing how supportive and eager he is about this. No one else really wanted to get involved or take time out from their everyday lives. I can understand that, though, to a degree.

I’m not going to get my hopes up or make surefire plans. All I’m going to do is let Tom and I find out what we can and what all our options are, then take it from there.

Tomorrow I’ll call the Cigna pharmacy and ask if it’s OK to take an over-the-counter water pill with what I’m on.

Tom and I did a lot of work on the back room. Things are more organized than they’ve ever been since we lived here. It’s really coming along. Tom got some metal and some wooden shelves and he put up the 2 wooden wall shelves. He showed me how to set the timer on the 3 different things that are on it. The lamp in the back room, as well as the outside back and front light.

I just changed the screen saver as I like to do every now and then and I also chose more icons for stuff Tom just added to my “world.”

Right before we left to go out today I sure as hell got a surprise in the mail from my parents. When I saw their address label on the envelope as I pulled it out of the mail slot, I said to myself, how the hell could her letter get here in just a day? Well, it was a lovely wedding card that really nailed it to the point with what it said, as well as a check for $250! What a nice generous surprise.

After the doctor, we went to K-Mart where we almost got me a dresser. The damn things didn’t come disassembled in a box and we couldn’t fit it in the car.

Instead, I got a really cute birthday card for Sarah with live tigers on it. The envelope was nice too, with flowers and birds on the front left side of it. I signed it for us and wrote a check out for $10. Of course, I wrote it out to Tammy, but where it says “memo” I wrote: Sarah’s birthday.

I also hit word-search jackpot. I got 3 books. One small, one medium, and one big. They’ll keep me busy and last a while.

We also may get a portable dishwasher sooner than expected.

At the doctor’s office, the receptionist thought I was Tom’s “little daughter.”

Tom said, “No. She’s my little wife.”

I knew that’d happen sooner or later since I look younger than I am and he looks a little older. I’m just surprised it wasn’t sooner.

Friday, September 9, 1994

 

Tuesday we got the wedding pictures. Finally, huh? We got the three 8x10s. One for us, one for each of our parents. Also, the two 5x7s. One for us and one for my sister and her family.

Hopefully, everyone got their word search puzzles OK. I can’t wait to hear what people think of them.

I typed letters tonight to Kim and Bob. I stuck a Bob letter in Kim’s letter and told her I’d save them up till November and give them to her when she gets here.

Last Wednesday Tom looked over all I wrote about my questions and feelings. I’ll tell you what he said. He said it varied with different women and that he didn’t know if it was a fluke, but as I get to know him I’ll see that he cums in small amounts anyway. He also said he has no idea if he’ll always cum, hardly ever, or what. Time can only tell that. As for discussing our sex life, the last time he talked about us was before we were officially together. I don’t care if he does, but I can see him being shy and private with that and that’s fine and understandable to me.

As far as him working on moving and lifting stuff, he said he didn’t want to let me down and not do as he promised and knows how much I don’t like someone saying they’ll do something that they don’t.

He says he means it when he says I’m sexy and the reason he’s hesitant about cuddling with me is cuz I’d said that was hard to deal with when I’m horny. That’s true that I said that, but I’m ready for it and can handle it now, as we both agree that cuddling’s just as fun and as needed as sex. Besides, if he knows I’m horny, why doesn’t he just do something about it?

So our talk went well and neither of us got all upset, as we both knew that this was all part of continuing to get to know each other. I told him that people change their minds (including myself) and that if for whatever reason he had to or wanted to back out of something he said he was going to do, I’ll understand, accept it, and I won’t push him. Plus, I know I hate being nagged, too.

Monday, September 12, 1994

 

Last Saturday Ma called. Tom answered the phone and they chatted for a few minutes, then we spoke. She said that she and Larry were originally coming out this November but now she thinks she and Dad will probably come out next summer.

Shortly after we spoke her letter came. It was very nice. Tom read it too, of course.

My relationship with my parents has been too good to be true. I hope it stays this way. It will as long as I don’t have a kid, although Tom disagrees. Well, they didn’t disown me for being with women, dancing, and marrying Tom, so we’ll see. Maybe all I’d get would be lectures and I can hang up on that. I’ve done it before in the past.

I also got a letter from Bob, finished typing 11, and am now typing 12. Can you believe that once again the scale said 99! God, please let it stay that way.

My lungs have been better and better. Better than they have been in years and it’s a wonderful feeling to be able to breathe. I constantly can go over 12 hours in between meds. It’s been 16 hours now. In 2 months and 4 days, it’ll be 1 year since I’ve had to go to the ER.

Wednesday, September 14, 1994

 

I sure do have all kinds of stuff to write about this time around. I’ll cover all the bad news first before I get to the good news. Tammy talked to Tom last night after I fell asleep. It appears that Bill’s looking more and more doomed. His sister’s going to see if she can give her bone marrow.

I was so hungry so I made up some bacon to snack on and tidied up some more.

Now I’m running through an old edit tape.

Last night I made a half-assed, very funny-looking quilt. I took some of the old material I used to make those two throw pillows out. Also, the “Stevie” dress Andy gave me that’s too big and an old scarf that I must’ve had since I was 14 or younger. I sewed the pillow material together, then I glued it with fabric glue. I used the scarf and Stevie dress as a trim for the outer edges. I glued those on too. It may not last long, but it’s good for now if you’re chilly while you’re lying on the couch watching TV.

Oh, Tammy said Ma’s coming Sunday but has to see it to believe it. Yeah, I know what she means. Also, she’s pissed cuz she said she was only going to be there for two days.

This morning I talked to her and today’s Sarah’s birthday. I believe she’s 4. I talked to Andy, too.

Again I weighed myself as 99 lbs.! Yeah! I wish I looked it, though.

I called the pharmacy and he said I could take Diuril. Also, OTC water pills were virtually non-effective. Yeah, I learned that when I was 19. I have to see the doctor for the water pills, but the nurse said it’d only take 5 minutes. That’d be nice. Soon, I’ll call for an appointment. Tom said not to worry if I can’t get appointments on Tuesdays.

Later...

Just came in from out back smoking a smoke. I’m bummed cuz the weather’s suddenly gotten really chilly and the pool’s chilly now, too. Its thermometer reads 80º, but for some reason, it’s still chilly.

It’s been so peaceful around here. No music, no dogs, no kids. Will it stay that way, though? God, I hope so!

I began typing up 12. What a miserable life I had back then.

Tom gave me a gray suede binder-like thing. There was a medium size pad of yellow-lined paper in it and there was also a pocket on the other side of the pad of paper. The pad had 25 sheets in it. That’s 50 pages in all, so Bob’s in for a very long letter when I get it done. I’ll probably have to put 3 stamps on it, but that’s OK.

I haven’t used my calligraphy markers in a long time, so I’ll go get one.

OK, and now it’s time for my good news. I went to an ENT as I may have mentioned. He thinks the reason why I’d be bothered by my ear being so sensitive as I have been, could be due to excess skin growth. It’s a type of cyst that’s non-cancerous and can be easily removed. He called a few days ago to say there’s a doctor in Phoenix who thinks he can open my ear and it is all covered by Cigna. Yesterday Tom and I typed up and sent out letters for my records in Boston. They are not necessary, but they couldn’t hurt to have either. On Oct. 4 they’re going to do a hearing test and a CT scan. So I hope to get the records before then. He said the doctor does try to do it in 1 step and it should definitely be no big deal, even it’s 2-3.

I talked to mom about and she said, “Go for it.”

Just maybe I will be hearing out of two ears after all and I will know in this life what the hell stereo is.

Got my old checking account closed yesterday, and today I may get my medical records from Dr. Wilcox.

We put shorter legs on Piggle’s cage. Now I don’t have to climb on anything to reach all the way into his cage.

We also got bookends that I sure wish I had back when I began doing journals. They’re great. They’ve got foamy stuff on the bottom so they can’t slip and they’re L-shaped, so the weight of the books is what holds them up cuz they slip under the ones on the end.

Thursday, September 15, 1994

 

Yesterday I mailed Bob his 50-page letter. Last night I buffed my nails after filing them. I also washed clothes which are now hanging to dry. I made Tom a sandwich for lunch at work and that's pretty much all my news for now. I spoke to Andy who said Gloria's got her second kid on the way and it's due in December.

Saturday, September 17, 1994

 

Tom should be getting up anytime now, so I thought I’d write a little in the meantime.

Today’s Phase 4, the final phase of the Phase-Out program. I continue to feel much better but still want to smoke as much. I laid out yesterday and got a little more color, but only a little. The pool’s already too cold. I got a Rosh Hashanah card from my parents and a letter from Alex. Today we’re going food shopping and I don’t know what else we’re going to do.

I still haven’t gotten my medical records from Dr. Wilcox, but I hope to hear something soon from Boston. On Oct. 13th I’ll be meeting with Dr. Nielsen to discuss the CT scan and hearing test. Hopefully, then I’ll be told if the operation’s possible and when it can be done.

Well, now I’m going to go do some computer work.

Sunday, September 18, 1994

 

Well, the typing of 12 is going fast. I’ll be done with it in no time. I was soooooooo miserable then, but it keeps getting worse till I get out here. It was only rough for me here in Phoenix for almost the first year, but it was a joke compared to my average times back east.

Yesterday was great. Tom and I went food shopping and had fun when we came home. He had no problem getting it in there. We didn’t cum but we both were so close. More and more I can see what he means when he says it’s still fairly new for both of us. For example, when he’s in there my clit gets pushed up so it’s not as long. I give myself extra stimulation in the same way that I do when I take care of myself. However, it is a different feeling that is great, but I will have to get used to it.

Tom worked a few hours yesterday and went out to check out prices on both portable dishwashers as well as ones that go under the counter.

The last few days have been rather educational for me. On a talk show, there were ladies from Penthouse magazine that were as short as me. I didn’t know they had such short women posing for them. I thought they’d discriminate against a short girl, which would be pretty stupid and unrealistic as we all come in all shapes and sizes.

On Prodigy it said that the more a guy cums, the higher his sperm count is. I didn’t know that either. I was telling Tom that I thought it was the other way around. I thought that the longer a guy went without cumming, the more it built up.

Tom says we’ve definitely gotta do it more often to get him in better shape. Now his legs cramp up. I said I agreed, but thought that before work would be too hectic a time and that after work, he’d be too tired. He said we could work it out. I agreed and said that millions of other couples find the time. We’ve got to stop making excuses and stick to what we start.

Before I went to bed, he did a little tongue work down there.

I asked Tom, what if a woman just got pregnant, didn’t know it, and had surgery? Would it kill the baby? He said it wouldn’t unless she had her female parts operated on. Oh, I didn’t know that.

I also told him if we had a kid at any age, I wouldn’t be able to have this operation. He said, “Don’t you have any faith in me?” He said of course I could have the operation and he would take care of the kid while I did. Oh, I didn’t know a mother could just run off to have surgery unless it was life-threatening.

Later...

I just went to take my meds and have a bowl of soup. I’ve been feeling so much better that I hope soon I can be on 200mg of my meds and no longer 300mg.

I watched the Miss America Pageant and it’s about time that a deaf girl won even if it seemed so staged.

I feel so bad for Tammy and very disappointed with mom. It turns out that she’s been in MA since last Wednesday and she’s been to Larry’s house, her sick brother Ronnie’s house, this couple in Brimfield’s house, and as of now she’s at Boo’s house in Longmeadow. An hour and 10 minutes away! She said ma said she wasn’t sure when or even if she could get to Tammy’s during this trip. The nerve of that woman! Imagine how hurt the girls must be. If I have a kid I wouldn’t even bother to wait and see if they dumped me. I’d dump them cuz I wouldn’t want my kids to have to go through any of their shit. She just never wanted to deal with her kids or grandkids.

Also, Aunt Ruth sent them a sympathy card. That’s really nice of her, but thanks to her for not sending us a wedding card. I think I’d hang up at this point if my aunts or uncles called.

I left Andy a message all about it and said he could call her every now and then if he wanted. I tried calling dad a few times but got no answer. I’ll go try again.

Later...

No answer. I guess he’s probably out at their flea market.

Tom’s working now, but I hope he’ll be home soon. Today I may lie out and get myself some color. I finished 1 out of the 3 word-search puzzle books. I’m going to copy in Alex’s letter and try to finish typing 12.

Today sure did start as a bad day for Tammy but ended up being a better one for her and a funny one for me. I called her again and she bitched out her frustration some more about mom and told me to feel free to talk to dad and express to him how much she needs mom right now.

Then I was talking to the girls when Lisa said ma was there and we hung up.

Dad finally answered around 4 PM his time and I disguised my voice into a young sexy voice. I said I was his neighbor and wanted to know if he’d come over for an X-rated slide show. There aren’t really any younger people there and he figured it was just a prank and went along with it saying, “An x-rated slide show? I’d love it, I’d love it!”

So, we talked for a while and he says he’s sending me a letter (hopefully to the right address) and a Halloween doormat. Supposedly when you step on it, it says, “Boo!”

He jokingly said that ma was at the NHA seeing if they would take me back, but no one’s there anymore. I said, “Yeah, that’s cuz the place either killed them or they’re all in the funny farm now like I was.”

When I asked him to guess what journal I was on he guessed 63, then 72.

I told him I’d leave him alone for a year when I get his letter, but that due to the fact that I write everything in my journal, he can’t say it’s been under a year if it hasn’t been.

So I called Tammy again and talked to ma. I asked her how the weather was and she said it was cold. I laughed royally and at Tammy, too. I told her to bring her suit on over and hang out with me at the pool. Yup, that’s where I was twice today and God blessed me as miraculously they weren’t home next door. I got more color and I did manage to swim a bit, but the water’s super chilly.

Something’s still wrong with the computer. I’ll tell Tom when he gets home. While I was leaving Andy a message, he called to say we were going to be rich, it was going to be a $200 weekend, and that he’d be home between 3:30 - 4:00.

Then Wendy called and said Tom was a maniac for working so hard. I agree, but the breadwinner must do whatever he needs to do. I wrote her message down for him so I wouldn’t forget.

Either yesterday or tomorrow Bob oughta have his 50-page letter. I just pray I put enough postage on it and that it doesn’t get returned to me. If they do return it, I’m not paying for it to be returned. He says he’s sending Andy a letter. He’ll like that. I also sent Bob 5 envelopes, which he asked for, with my 5 different cat address labels on them. I figured that if I’m going to send him envelopes, he’s going to have to use them on me.

Monday, September 19, 1994

 

Well, that’s definitely the end of my journal typing for a long long time. It just crashed and I lost two pages or more. It’s been doing this to me a lot lately and I’m sick of it. I thought computers were supposed to be dependable, but I guess not.

I dusted and straightened up a bit, but now I think I’ll go do the dishes, clean the bathroom, clean the stove, fridge and microwave. Change my sheets, too.

Later...

Got a lot of stuff done. I did the dishes and wiped down the stove, refrigerator, and microwave. I’ll save the bathroom for tomorrow. The chair’s cushion in the living room always slips out, so I took an adhesive mounting strip and hopefully that’ll work. If it does, I’ll give the couch the same treatment.

Let’s see…what else did I do? I watched a movie I taped last night. It was pretty good. This Wednesday’s the season premiere of Law & Order. I know I’ll get only 10 new shows, but oh well.

I took a bath a little while ago and now I’m going to go play Nintendo games. Remember the game with the ducks you shoot? Tom taught me how to play that almost a year ago. Yesterday he taught me a racecar game. We set it up in the living room, so it’s no hassle to get to.

Later...

I played some games. I sure have improved at them. Made some clam chowder soup and now, who knows what I’ll do. I’d have really liked to do my journal typing, but not if the damn thing’s going to keep crashing on me.

Soon we’ll have stamps for quite a while. We’re ordering 100 regular stamps and 50 postcard stamps. The mail will be here any time now and if all goes well, I won’t get Bob’s 50-page letter returned to me.

Did I mention sending Nervous the letter I got from my mom a couple of weeks ago? Well, I did. He hasn’t heard from me in months, so I figured what the heck? I also made up a word search puzzle for him with all kinds of dirty words. If he ever hears from me again, though, by mail, it’ll be a very very long time.

As for Fran, I don’t send him anything cuz I don’t want him to take that as an invitation to call me. I still can’t believe just how lucky I’ve been with no calls from him. I wonder if he lost his phone, got in trouble, got deathly ill, or died. I know he had mentioned some female cop was taking him to court due to his harassing her. Too bad it’s not Laurie H.

Later...

The mail just came and I got two letters from Kim. All she basically had to say was she was back to her letter writing, looking forward to coming out here, but would get into details later. Well, I hope she answers my questions soon. I wrote and asked her if she was getting a rental car at the airport and if she could stay at that guy’s house, and I also told her about my very likely ear surgery. I let her know it could happen during the dates she plans to be here.

In her second letter, she enclosed a short note with the Bob letter she got that she forgot to enclose in the first letter. The letters he sent her are just like mine - nothing new.

I hope Kim got her puzzles. She never mentioned it, so hopefully she just forgot to. Bob liked his as his letter in #79 says. Most of the writing in this book is very small so it’s almost like 2 books in 1.

I’m listening to an old edit tape and soon I’ll watch TV. For now, though, I’ll go play more Nintendo games since my luck’s running high.

Tuesday, September 20, 1994

 

Remember how I was saying I could screw on top? Well, yesterday was a major breakthrough cuz I was very very close to doing it. I’ll definitely be able to do it sooner or later with no discomfort just like I can do it with him on top. The only other thing I wish I could change is my being such a light sleeper and not being able to sleep with him. If he could sleep with me in here, I could put my stereo in his room.

He’s working on his picture-printing program now and later on today we’ll be going to the grocery store (Smith’s) and off to get that dishwasher. It may be a few days, though, till we can get it delivered.

It’s very cloudy out there today and I believe it’s only going to be in the upper 90s. I talked to Tammy a little while ago and she said ma describes the days as cold and nights as freezing. Ha, ha, ha!

In other news, I got a few messages from Andy.

Later...

Today has been more of a busy, yet fun and productive day. Tom and I went to the mall and we didn’t get a dishwasher, although we did look at some. He got some electronic parts and a remote extender. It’s very stylish. They’re in the shape of pyramids and they’re great cuz now we can print pictures so much easier. We no longer have to unhook the VCR and drag it from the living room to the back room. It can stay right where it is.

We also got some fonts, but some of them are incomplete. We got cans of air that blasts dust from keyboards. One for us and one for his parents. We got a really cute mouse and mouse pad. The mouse is in the shape of a mouse. It’s white with two blue eyes and a blue cord. The mouse pad is of Mickey Mouse.

For me, I got 6 new pairs of underwear. They came in sets of 3. 3 have ruffles at the sides, with white stripes through all of them, but each one’s got 1 other different color. One’s purple, one’s red, and one’s blue. The other 3 have no ruffles. Just a thin band at the sides and they’re of lace. One’s flowered, one’s black, and one’s white. I was never happier to ditch 6 very old pairs. I ditched a black pair with lace in the front, and a pink and blue pair with lace that went around the waist. They were identical styles. I also ditched an identical yellow pair that was like the black one and a white and aqua-colored pair. Well, that’s it for the panty update.

Got the new Gloria CD, but one of 5 remixes is much longer than the originals. I love it. I had 3 of them on old 12” albums that I taped onto tapes and they sounded pretty shitty. I got Oye Mi Canto, Get on Your Feet, Bad Boy, and the 2 remixes I’d never heard before are 1-2-3 and Rhythm Is Going to Get You.

I made history again today as I went nearly 24 hours in between med times!! I think I’ll be able to get by with one a day for the most part. Then hopefully I can take only 200mgs, then none! And quit smoking too, of course.

Tom did some wonderful tongue work before we went out and later, we’ll do some inner fun.

What else is new? Not much. Got 2 letters in 1 from Bob.

We also went to the grocery store. I got some Garfield vitamins. They certainly taste better than the Flintstones. Got a new tube of KY jelly, but I could not find the musk body lotion I like. That stuff’s mild and really nice. The Caché I got a couple of weeks ago is way too strong.

We barbecued up a T-bone steak, which came out great.

We printed a couple of 4” pictures in black and white. He showed me the difference between 8-bit and 24-bit.

Wednesday, September 21, 1994

 

I got up at 6:30 this morning. It was raining and cloudy during most of the day, but I sure got a lot done today. First of all, Eldon left a message for Tom. I also got a letter from Kim. The good news is that she is getting a rental car, as I figured, and she can definitely stay at that guy’s house.

Dr. Wilcox’s office called to ask me a stupid question. They wanted to know if I was changing doctors. No shit! I told them that in my letter. The girl there says my records are on their way, nonetheless.

I quickly chatted with Dad and Tammy. I trimmed my bangs but missed a few hairs.

Tomorrow’s my appointment to hopefully get those water pills. I need them desperately.

Later I’ll write about last night’s sex, Piggy’s cage, and the computer.

Friday, September 23, 1994

 

Andy’s coming over, but I know I’ll have to wait forever, so I thought I’d write. Got my dad’s letter, which was nice and also funny. Got the Halloween doormat too. It needs two AA batteries, which Andy says he’s picking up on his way over.

The post office screwed up again. We specifically ordered 100 regular stamps and 50 postcard stamps. We got the 100 regular stamps, but we got 50 stamped postcards, instead of 50 postcard stamps. The idiots are no doubt doing it in the hopes that we still need those 50 postcard stamps, order them, then they’ve made themselves one extra sale.

I also got my medical records from Dr. Wilcox’s office. Part of it really pissed me off. Talk about assuming or taking things too literally! I was shocked to see that she actually went and wrote that I asked, “Am I going to die? But I have to live long enough to be a famous singer.”

When I said this, it was strictly a joke. God, it’s scary to think that all the while I was seeing her and she was smiling to my face she was actually writing all these mean things about me. The thought of sharing this with other doctors really embarrasses me.

Then she goes and writes this bullshit about my supposedly saying, “I’m not nuts, just nervous seeing a new doctor.”

I’m sure I did say I was nervous, but I wouldn’t use the word nuts in that situation.

She said I was nervous, anxious and in a panic when she did the pelvic exam. Anxious and nervous, yes. Panic, no.

There was this part where she said, “She really hated the project back east cuz of all the noise, even though she’s deaf in one ear.”

As if to say I was full of shit about being deaf in one ear. Also, I did tell her that my other ear hears plenty well enough.

Lastly, it was “inappropriate” to call her with an emergency late at night. I remember that time, too. She was bitching about being all worried if she could fall back asleep or not. What the fuck did she become a doctor for if she can’t handle it???

Bob got my 50-page letter and he called today like I said he could. We talked for 5 minutes about the usual. Andy got a letter from Bob, too. Twice a year I told Bob he could call. Maybe like December and June.

I quickly talked to Mom and Tammy, too. Ma heads home tomorrow.

Yesterday I went and got the water pills I needed. So far they’ve helped. Last night I woke up twice to go pee. I didn’t fall asleep till 1 AM either, but was proud of myself this morning when the alarm went off at 8:00. I felt like I could’ve slept 4-6 more hours, but like a good girl, I dragged myself out of bed. I’m tired and my TD is acting up, but it’s worth it.

Yesterday we had sex again, but not like a couple of nights ago. We were both more relaxed than ever and I felt no pain at all. I feel so blessed cuz Tom’s so patient. Also, we’re doing it more, and the more we screw the better I feel, just like the more I see him, the better I feel. Same for him too, of course.

I painted Piggle’s cage the other day. His cage has 6 legs. I did each one a different color and I did the top frame too. It looks great but rather childish. It looks like a cage you might find in a kindergarten or a 1st-grade classroom.

Later...

As I wait for Tom, I’ll do some writing. As of now, I’m feeling a little bored with PMS bleakness and pre-cramping. I’m tired too, with a slight headache. I’ll be fine, though, when Tom comes home. He always cheers me up.

Andy got me the batteries I needed for the Halloween mat and I gave him that Caché lotion and recorded a couple of oldies records for him.

For the most part, he laid out back by the pool while I watched TV. I did some dishes and made Lipton butter and chives noodles for Tom and I.

Saturday, September 24, 1994

 

I'm pretty beat, so I'm gonna make this a quickie. We did lots of stuff in the back room. We got these huge metal shelves set up, so that'll get lots of shit off the floor. I did mega typing in 13 today and I'm done with it.

Sunday, September 25, 1994

 

I finished typing journal 13. That was fast, huh? Got up at 9:30 this morning and didn’t do too much.

Minnie, Bob’s 18-year-old friend, called me twice today. She’s on Bob’s side and said she’d kiss the ground Bob walks on. She lived with him for a few months and he never tried anything on her, she says. She wanted to know when visiting hours were. She also said she had the article about Bob in the paper there with her. She says she’ll mail me a photocopy of it, but I’ll have to see that to believe it. She said she kept forgetting to send it to Kim. Well, if I ever get the thing from her, I’ll mail it to Kim after I read it.

Today Tom and I screwed twice in a row. Again it looked as if he was stopping before he was to cum. At one point I asked if he were OK and he said he was trying to cum, but he stopped too soon. He said if he stops just as he’s about to cum, he gets the total feeling but has a hard time judging it. The first time around he was rock hard, then suddenly went soft. He said he came the same way he did the other time where little or nothing came out. He says he’s done that before.

The second time we did it, he wore out. I still can’t cum that way yet, although it feels really good, so 80% of me believes him and 20% of me feels he may not want to cum in me.

Monday, September 26, 1994

 

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep till around 4 AM. I laid there for hours crying, so depressed and asking myself why am I up for 18 hours so much of the time. I had my alarm set for 9:30. When it went off I hit the snooze once or twice, then got up for a cigarette. Then I went back to bed and told myself I’d get up after hitting the snooze just a couple of more times. The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes to see that it was 12:30. I felt so depressed and like the biggest failure ever. I had been doing so well. All I could think about was how the hell was I going to get to my appointment and how in the world could I ever be a mother.

All I could do was lay around or watch TV, then finally I called Tammy. She said what I was crying over was so stupid and that if I and my husband had poor health or our house caught on fire, that’d be one thing. She said that if she were me she’d hang up and laugh and go get beautiful for my husband. She said I’m not alone, lots of people are just like me and I have accomplished a lot and become a lot. She said she gets up at the same time every day cuz of the kids, but she doesn’t go to bed at the same time every night. She said it depends on what’s going through her mind and how Bill feels, etc.

I’m going to get to my appointments one way or another. I don’t care if I’ve woken up at 4 PM the previous day and am awake till the appointment, or over 24 hours.

As for being a mother? Well, the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize things I’d never realized before. That is that for over a year, perhaps several, I couldn’t have a set schedule anyway. Meaning, that while I was pregnant, I’d be woken up at all hours anyway. By it kicking, me having to puke, fear of labor and delivery, etc. I read that that’s perfectly normal and expected. Also, after it was born, I couldn’t oversleep anyway and end up being a neglectful mom with it screaming like a police siren. Not even when it was 1-10 as it’d be running around screaming, banging, and throwing things. So there’s no way I could sleep through that. I should know that from the NHA. I’d only have to hope my heart and lungs could take it and that I could deal with my TD acting up more as it does with lack of sleep. I’d also have to deal with gas too, but that’s the milder side of it.

Tom came home just as I was finishing up this entry. As I knew he would, he reassured my mind and made me feel a whole lot better after discussing it with him.

Wednesday, September 28, 1994

 

I didn’t get my period yesterday when it was due, so that means I’ll have it today.

My in-laws gave me 5 different cactus plants of a few different varieties. We’re going to plant them around the pool.

Also, a drawing desk I’ve always wanted where the top of it is slanted. It’s also called a drafting table. My next-door neighbor on Woodside Terrace, Nancy H, had one. She lived where Jai lived the first time I lived in that building.

Later...

I mean it when I say it this time, but I will never ever type another journal again. First the cursor would not work, then the mouse wouldn’t kick out the screen saver. I’d saved my work, so I figured everything would be just fine till I brought up journal 14 which I began to type up. Everything turned to question marks and all kinds of other symbols. Now, I’m going to go see if I can type up everything I want to write in here without any problems.

Later...

I decided not to type anything cuz I want Tom to see what happened to my first two pages of that journal, and it won’t give me a new window that’s blank. I could insert a break and tell it to only print from the break on down, but why bother? The thing will probably just crash again. We’ve both been trying to figure it out for ages now and about a week or so ago I thought I’d found one of the problems. I did, actually, and that was what I was going to write about a while back. We added some new fonts and one of them was corrupting all of them. I was going through them all to pick out and write down the ones I liked and disliked. I’d type the name of the font as I’d test it and check it out. Well, there was this one called Gaps that made all fonts become one. I managed to print out what it looked like, too. After that, I went back through the same routine, skipping that font and everything was fine.

I have quite a few things now in my world, Mystery’s World. Tom just added a calendar which is pretty neat. This is for me to type in stuff for either both of us or just one of us to do.

Tom’s going to be getting a surprise in the mail within a day or so. Remember all those stamped postcards I mentioned? Well, 25 of them will be used for business-related stuff. I’m using the other 25. One for Tammy, 1 for Bill, 1 for each niece, and 1 for all of them. Then, 6 for Bob, 6 for Kim, and 6 for my parents. All that totals 24, so guess who got the remaining card? You guessed it. Tom himself. It oughta be neat to see someone get mail that I sent that lives with me.

I also taped him an episode from Tales from the Crypt I heard him say he liked and was one of his favorites.

Thursday, September 29, 1994

 

Last night I sat down at my new drawing table, but I just couldn’t create anything to save my life. Then after a while, I went into my bedroom and did an awesome wall drawing by my closet door that’s closest to the windows. I did it right in the corner, so I kind of did it on two walls. I made a vase, then a tree with flowers I’d never done before. I made 6 branches and each branch has about 6 different clusters of tiny flowers. Each branch’s flowers are of different colors. I made the vase of coral reef with purple streaks. The flowers are red, violet, medium sky blue, orchid, pink, and another branch of red. Actually, the reds are really raspberry. It came out great, though, and the whole thing’s about 5’ tall.

I’ve been getting these waves of pain in my upper gut lately. I hope it doesn’t amount to much, but I’m sure it’s gas.

Christina left Tom a message saying they’re moving into our area. Geri and Christina don’t even know we’re married yet. Tom last talked to Geri directly before we got married and he couldn’t really get a word in edgewise cuz she was so psyched about being engaged herself.

At one point I made a comment to Tom saying, “After my ear surgery I’ll pretend I’m 18 years old and all fucked up and maybe whatever’s up there will give us a kid.” But I once really was 18 and fucked up, but due to only doing it a few times with 2-3 guys, and perhaps a little bit of fate, I never got pregnant, but thank fucking God! That’s all I would’ve needed back then.

So then he said, “We can have a kid after the really important stuff is done, like your ear surgery, and it would help the business in some ways.” Like motivating us more as not only would we want to make money for ourselves but the kid, too. Also, to see how a kid would like certain computer games or whatever else we’d make and so much more.

Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of a kid and feel more ready for it. If I truly am fertile, I feel more and more like it really may happen one of these days, despite the fears and worries any new mother would have. There would be times when I’d need verbal reassurance and comforting from Tom and his positive, “Everything will be OK” attitude. I can always count on Tom. He never pushes me away. I still can’t believe how much I love this man and how lucky and blessed I am. If anyone ever fucked with him or any kid we had, I’d kill them. If I didn’t, I’d no doubt come very close.

He said something to me last night that made me love him even more, just when I thought I couldn’t love him anymore. He said if I ever wanted to go anywhere alone, he would drive me there and pick me up at a set time.

Here’s a real man who doesn’t push me to work, lets me be a housewife, be a part of his business, but who’ll let me see friends here and there without giving me shit. I feel the same about him. He could go out to dinner with 10 women and I know I could trust him. Even if they were better looking than me and there are plenty out there as well as ugly dogs.

I’m sorry, though, that I dislike Geri without meeting her, but sometimes it’s an easy thing to do like I feel he has with Kim and Bob. Opinions are like assholes, though. Everybody’s got one.

Later...

Tom’s up now and somehow he fixed my journal problem. He’s watching the show I taped him.

Friday, September 30, 1994

 

Tom’s postcard came yesterday, but I was asleep when he read it.

I rearranged my audiocassettes a bit and got rid of stuff I now have on CD to save room. I made Tom a medley of songs he likes by Sting and Meat Loaf.

At midnight Andy surprised me with a call. He called this girl Karson so I could hear her talk. Yup, she’s great editing material. When he called, Sara was on the line but hung up after about 10 minutes. When he called Karson, I had the mute on and didn’t talk to her. She agreed to accept calls from Fran. She has a long-distance block on her line now. Andy called Fran who gave him her number. He asked about me, and Andy reminded him I wanted nothing to do with him. I’ll hang up if he tries calling.

He mentioned that Nervous moved to the Maple Street area. Yeah, I believe that. I had a feeling about it, too. He probably moved with Crystal.

Tom should be up soon.

I talked to my sister and my parents yesterday. I was going to send Ma the information on the Phase-Out system, but I can’t find it. I’ll keep looking, but Tom’s up now, so bye!

Later...

Tom found me the information on the Phase-Out system to send my mom.

This morning I began making my medley and it’s coming out great.

Tom talked with Geri and Eldon earlier this evening. Geri wants to meet me and Eldon has a super-fast computer brain for us.

We went over the computer calendar and scheduled stuff for the weekend and Tuesday.

I’m now recording two movies for us both. We’re getting along better and better each month. We’re really getting to know one another and we very rarely argue. Yes, I have a real-life relationship that I not only thought I could never get but that most

[pyrrhicraven]

Since you have multiple fics for multiple fandoms: For every fandom that you have written for, which is your favourite fic and why?

Star Wars: Horizon of Yesterday was my real first attempt to write Padme and it was fun writing her interacting with everyone in a way I wasn't used to writing. Danny Phantom: A Phantom Caress, it is perhaps one of my better works for Phantom it is also the single most pain in my ass that I have ever tried to write.

Invader Zim: Eclipse of Mercury as its my first attempt at writing the professor is an Alien well really just writing the professor lol

Harry Potter: Last Days of Summer simply because I actually wrote a what if Snape and Harry actually crossed paths where they live since they live near each other in canon lol

Hellsing: Blood Auction (Formerly Auction House) I like the idea and writing it has been an interesting ordeal lol

Hotel Transylvania: Dark Temptation: My first time writing these two, I thought it was cute.

The Flash: Train Wreck: Because I wanted to write a train derailment lol that was exactly what started this fic and I enjoyed writing it!

Super Mario: The Devil's Trap because it was my first time writing boo and I liked the visuals my mind gave me for certain parts of this fic.

Batman: Saving You Yesterday: One day I'd like to rewrite this beast of a fic, it's an odd pairing and a bomb ready to blow but it was interesting to have the pair interact in a new way.

Yu Yu Hakusho: Tora Kuwabara. I like Making Kuwabara a demon lol but this was probably one of my better versions and having him be a kitty cat was just a bonus lol

Miraculous Ladybug: Something like Love (I don't need) I never really did finish this the way I wanted to but time travel was fun and Marinette makes all the bad choices!

MegaMind: Comatose/Melting Faith These two are pretty much the same thing, a what if Megamind and Minion faked their deaths and how would metro man who was in love with Megamind would handle that. There are a lot of things I wanted to write for this idea and I am in the process of rewriting Comatose into my new writing style as I still love this idea.

Guardians of Childhood: Left Behind Chapter 5. It was quickly written but is still one of my favorite writes because it used Pitch's twisted nature and a darker side of Jack to show.

Case Closed: Fragmented chapter 18 I haven't written much but it's an interesting anime/manga and I had fun messing around with Shinichi and his possible crushes.

Highlander: Fragmented chapter 37: I don't play with these guys often but I enjoyed adding Vampires to semi-immortals who chop each others heads off lol

Kekkai Sensen | Blood Blockade Battlefront: Sick of it all: This was my first fic for this fandom and I enjoyed making Leonardo embarrassed :)

Marvel: Halloween is all we have chapter 13: I liked this because Bucky was sick and his mind was playing horrible tricks on him and it was the first time I thought i'd gotten terror down in a way that readers could feel it.

TMNT: Last Knight: Mostly because I loved Headless' fic and it has been such a rollercoaster to write. All the intricate pieces fit together and give us a new take on Shredder and his history.

Gravity falls: Shadow of Obsession chapter 2 I liked the idea of crossing the SCP foundation with Gravity Falls and this was the first attempt at it it was nice but I wanted more...pop? I guess lol

Scooby Doo: Shadow of Obsession chapter 17: Don't we all want an evil velma every once in a blue moon?? lol

Shadow Of Obsession: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Gravity Falls, Hotel Transylvania (Movies), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Valdemar Series - Mercedes Lackey, Rise of the Guardians (2012), Encanto (2021), SCP Foundation, Danny Phantom, Grand Summoners (Video Game), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types, Megamind (2010), OK K.O.! Let's Be Heroes, Scooby Doo - All Media Types, 鬼滅の刃 | Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba (Anime), 幽☆遊☆白書 | YuYu Hakusho: Ghost Files, Hellsing, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types, The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Adventure Time: Fionna and Cake (Cartoon 2023) Most of these were just fun little one shots that I wrote and some of them I used for bigger stories but I enjoy playing with fandoms that seem interesting

[extravaguk]

pairing: jungkook x reader

summary: But above all things, the last thing you expected to happen when you came back was to show your tits and get pierced by none other than motherfucking Jeon Jungkook.

Jeon Jungkook. Guk. Gukkie. Jeongukkie.

wordcount: 15k

genre: summer!au, ex high school classmaters, kinda frenemies to lovers, tattoo artist!&piercing artist!jungkook, popular!reader

rated: m (fluff - smut - angst)

warnings: you broke jungkook's heart you bitch!! , oral sex (m&f), protected sex (shocking tbh), CL as your bestie it doesnt get better than that! idk i dont wanna spoil too much

author's note: fucking finally dude!! i've been writing this since february but school was kicking my ass. now that i finished my exams and mercury is in gemini i was able to finish it. if you read this, i hope you enjoy it!

Inkphoria

You've been standing outside the shop re-reading the word for fifteen minutes, although it definitely feels like it has been longer. You're gripping the flyer too tightly, rumpling the paper in your hand until you're pretty much sure it's ruined. It's the first day of June, and it's already too hot. The sun and humid weather are causing beads of sweat to form in your hairline and your white tank top to stick to your skin. Your jean shorts didn't feel this uncomfortable a few hours ago and you're sure the heat is causing your mascara to transfer to your eyelids and lower lashline. You've never needed a slushie and a smoke this bad in forever, even if you knew the later would make your parents lose their shit.

Inkphoria

You read it again. Your brain is trying to guess what font its written in, an excuse to try to steady your heart beat until your nerves ease a little and you can finally gather the courage to step into the damn shop. You've noticed a few people passing by giving you strange looks because maybe it hasn't been fifteen minutes. Perhaps you've been unmoving like an idiot in the middle of the street for longer than you want to admit.

Chaelin's voice echoes inside your head.

'Its not that much of a big deal. It's not even that painful, trust me.'

You wish you could trust your best friend, but your best friend is also the same woman who assured you Cats was the movie of the year. Yes, not 'Cats: The Musical'. 'Cats', the movie.

'And this could be a great start to get out of your comfort zone and start living your life exactly the way you want to, not the way people expect you to. Not the way your family wants you to, not the way Adam wanted you to.'

But although her credibility could sometimes be questionable - like that time she also told you she'd tried marmite and 'honestly, it's not as bad as people make it out to be'-, you also didn't trust anybody in this world as much as you trusted her. She had always been your entire support system, the only one around you who never sugarcoated, who always treated you as an equal, who was always there for you to help you discover yourself and, at the same time, remind you of who you were.

'And it's gonna look so hot, too.'

That's it. Sticking the wrinkled flyer on your back pocket, your feet finally start moving. It doesn't take longer than three strides and you're pushing open the door.

The first thing you notice is that, thankfully, the shop is empty. The second thing you notice is the bright sky blue walls, a green undertone peaking through. Your eyes scan nervously the interior. Frames with tattoo designs and people modeling other different designs decorate the walls, some skateboards also hanging from the ceiling. A few plants in the corner, and two leather couches on either side of the room. Your scanning stops on the counter, where a girl with short, platinium hair and -what you guess is- the eighty percent of her body inked. Face included. She's been looking at you, a smirk tugging at her lips. Her tone is amused when she speaks

"Hi." she says. "You can come closer, you know? We don't bite."

Great. As if you couldn't feel more out of place, apparently you also couldn't look more out of place.

"Sorry." you gulp as you walk forward. "It's my first time doing anything like this."

She laughs this time, but it's not mean. It's not mocking, thank God, and the smile she sends you is as warm as the weather, friendly, luckily helping you calm down a bit. "A virgin, huh? JK's gonna love this." your eyes jump in surprise, but she's fast to wave her hands in front of you. "Just a joke. So, first time getting a tattoo. You have something in mind, honey?"

"Um, no. Not a tattoo. Not yet, I think." you wet your lips, regretting not reaplying chapstick before stepping inside. "A piercing."

"Oh! Cool!" she claps her hands, too excited for your own taste, pulling from under the counter a catalogue. "So, where will it be? Cartilogue? Nose? A lot of people are getting their septums pierced right now, though, so you might-"

"Nipples. Like, one of them."

Her gaze finds yours in surprise, although her face swiftly transforms again into an amiable expression. "Now, that's badass. Alright!" she skims through the pages of the catalogue until she finds the nipple piercing collection. You scratch your head before wiping your forehead sweat-free. "You can pick either barbells or hoops, although barbells heal faster and they don't move around as much. There's different kinds of metal, too. Gold or platinium. If your skin is sensitive, I recommend titanium. It's hypoallergenic and not as problematic."

The blonde keeps talking as you nod your head, a smile making its way into your face while silently thanking her for her easygoing personality. It quickly makes you feel comfortable and stupid for being so terrified of doing this.

Once you decide, settle on the cost and sign the papers, she stands up from the stool she'd been sitting on. "Ok, I'll go tell my coworker. He's been sketching tattoos all morning, it's time he gets to work!" she laughs, but suddenly your smile banishes and your throat shuts down.

"He?" your alarmed tone halts her motions and she looks back at your frightened expression.

He? A he is going to pierce your nipple? You're about to let a random stranger, a HE, see and touch one of your boobs and then pierce a needle through one of your nipples?

"Oh, baby, don't worry. I'd do it myself if I knew how to, but I only do tattoos. Most of our staff are on summer vacation so it's mostly just him and I. If you don't feel comfortable, which is totally understandable, you can wait until september when Minzy comes back and she can do it for you." It's her turn to scratch the back of her head as she adds: "but trust me, we're professionals. He's not a creep or anything like that. He's been doing this for a long time. He won't cross any boundaries."

September? You won't even be here in september. Fuck.

Sure, you could do it when you move back into the city. But this summer was supossed to be the summer. You already decided after your breakup with Adam that there would be no trace of the old you. That it was time to push yourself, to do the things that you've always wanted to do, unapologetically. To find the new you, the real you. To stop being scared.

So after going through you options for a few seconds and taking a deep breath, you make up your mind.

"It's fine. I can do it."

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"JK, sweetheart!"

Jungkook is finishing drawing a Chinese dragon when Mijoo opens the door without knocking. Again. He puts the pen down, rubbing his eyes. It's monday, a slow monday, not much work, and he had hoped it would stay that way until closing time. It's summer and Jungkook hates summer. He hates the heat, he hates being drenched in sweat, and he hates the fact that he can do nothing about it. Because working in the summer is terrible. Summer makes him lazy, makes him want to bathe in a tub full of iced water and not get out until he turns into a raisin and october comes. It makes him irritable. Summer makes him annoyed by people -like Mijoo, even if he loves her to death- and himself.

"I got a girl here who wants a nipple piercing, her first piercing by the way, so get your shit ready and bla bla bla. Straight titanium barbell. Also, don't flirt and don't be creepy. She almost ran away when I told her a male was going to be touching and piercing her tit, be mindful of that. She's too cute, if you want to get her number you should wait until it's done. I think that's it. I'll bring her in in a minute."

Mijoo leaves as fast as she talks, but Jungkook is already used to it. He's already used to the headaches her mouth causes too. He sighs before standing up, tying his too-long raven hair into the best bun he can manage. He washes his hands, sets the table up, sits on the chair and puts the gloves on. He's too busy sterilizing the jewerly when Mijoo comes back with you.

"Alright, my babies. I'll leave you to it." she turns to you. "He'll explain everything, from how the process will be to how to take care of it after it's done." she leaves before saying bye, closing the door behind her, and then he finally turns to you.

Your eyes meet and suddenly everything stops. He almost drops the sterilizing machine, his whole body tensing, going into panic mode as he recognizes you immediatly. His hands shake.

Of course he does. Of course he recognizes his high school crush. The too goody two shoes, too pretentious and too rich, too good for everybody and, most importantly, 'too good for Jeon Jungkook' girl of his high school dreams. Of course he recognizes the girl he had confessed his stupid crush to when he was sixteen. Of course he recognizes the girl who rejected and broke his young and foolish heart when he was a dumb teenager.

It doesn't matter that six years have passed ever since. He still knows every lock of your hair like the palm of his hand. He still remembers the shape of your lips and the exact shade of your eyes. He can still identify the body he fantasized about -and jacked off to- when he was a hormonal teen, now filled in all the right places. Now a grown woman.

Just one look at you after years and years of pining is enough to almost make him faint. And grow a boner under his jeans.

And by the look on your face, your eyes wide and your mouth agape, you recognize him as well.

Dammit.

He schools his features and clears his throat. Forces his body to relax and compose himself, because he's not a teenager anymore. He's also a grown man, who has matured, who now has much more experience with women than he did back then. He had already embarrased himself enough when he was sixteen to be doing it all over again. You're just another attractive girl in a sea of attractive women.

He turns to you. You still haven't said anything. Neither has he.

"Um, you can sit on the table." he manages, motioning to the set up in front of him. He watches you taking doubtful steps until you're sitting down, your eyes avoiding his gaze. He almost forgot you were here to get pierced. Holy shit, you were here to get pierced. To get your nipple pierced.

You're a professional, Jungkook. You can do this, Jungkook. You've seen boobs before, Jungkook. You've pierced nipples before, Jungkook.

Clearing his throat again and forcing his hands to stay by his side, he speaks. "The... The top." your gaze finds his, like a puppy about to get scolded. You look at your top, realization dawning on you. "You don't have to take it off. You can just pull it down."

So you do, pulling the straps of the white tank top down and dragging the fabric down with trembling fingers. No bra. Jungkook gulps as your breasts comes into vision. As perfect as he had imagined years ago. His cock twitches. Round, full, perky and so damn inviting he has to hold himself back from latching onto one nipple with his mouth around it and swirling his tongue over the nub until you're a pretty, moaning, little mess on his piercing tabl-

He closes his eyes for just a second before reminding himself to act like the 23 year old Jungkook he's tried so hard to become. The confident, assured Jungkook he is.

"Okay, this is how it'll go. First I'll clean it and scrub it to get rid of any bacteria." he's so glad he hasn't stuttered yet. 23 year old Jungkook doesn't stutter like 17 year old Jungkook. He's also glad he can pick the alcohol bottle and the surgical scrub without trembling. When he faces you again, you're watching his motions with your lip caught between your teeth. That has him swallowing the lump in his throat.

Making eye contact with him again, you take a deep breath and offer a small nod, so he gets to work. He can show you and himself he's a grown man. A grown man who can pierce a nipple without appearing like it's the first time he's seen a boob in his life. The sooner he does it, the sooner it's over.

Jungkook wets the paper towel with alcohol before carefully wiping over your nub with it. Your back arches, probably from the cold feeling, he guesses. He rubs it a few times before throwing it in the trash can nearby. He avoids looking at how enticing the soft peak is salluting him when he reaches for the marker. He doesn't say anything when he dots it with it, jaw clenched and his dick painfully stiff.

"Lay back." his voice low as he commands, turning away to get the clamp. When he slides closer, he tries to ignore the view: you, with your hair sprawled and your sweaty, shiny skin and your eyes focused on the cieling, nipple fully erect, like the star of one of his most erotic dreams. He extends his free gloved hand before he can stop himself, fingers carefully working the nub until he's sure it's painfully hard. Almost as hard as he is.

You gasp, your back arching again. He stills and looks at you, your cheeks flushed pink. Probably from the heat, he guesses again. Or at least that's what he tells himself. He can't stop himself from wondering how responsive would you be in a different setting, most likely his bed while his teeth play with your breast and his cock dives into-

"You okay?" he studies your face, your eyes not meeting his and instead still focusing on the white ceiling.

"Mhm." you reply with a small voice.

"Relax, alright? It'll be over soon." his voice is as gentle as he can, his fingers mindlessly caressing your breast to try to soothe your nerves. Or maybe it's just because he's a selfish bastard. Whatever it is, he forces himself to bring the clamp to your nipple, securing it around it.

"Take a few deep breaths. This will only take a second of pain and then it will go away." He misses the way your mouth falls open, but he doesn't miss the way your eyes squeeze tight as the needle goes in.

"Ah!" he definitely doesn't miss that either. He goes rigid for a second, because that didn't fucking sound like a cry of painfulness. It's breathy, and whiny, not too loud and, for fucks sake, if that's how you sound when you're getting fucked, he swears to God-

He feels your heartbeat under his hands when he puts the barbell in and then the bandage over it. He takes a look at you, chest moving up and down. And then you take a look at him and what he sees is almost enough to take you right there.

Reddened cheeks, drops of sweat framing your face and those eyes glazed with something he's seen too much in the women he's fucked throughout his life. They're half lidded, mascara adorning your long lashes and almost smudged, looking right through him.

"Jungkook..." and your voice, as you say his name -acknowledging him for the first time since you stepped into his shop, for the first time since you were sixteen-, it's hoarse, almost inaudible, like you just came all over his-

He's on his feet in an instant like he's been burned. "It may bleed for the first week, and it can be really sore. The swelling will eventually come down." he's quickly tidying up the table, a bottle in his hand that he hands to you without looking directly. "Wash it gently with this soap and warm water once per day. Don't touch it. Wear a comfortable...bra. If it gets crusty, clean it with saline. Not alcohol or any other thing you might clean a wound with. The soap I just gave you or saline. Nothing else."

He's pacing around the room as he takes his gloves off and throws them in the trash bin, too agressively maybe, then he keeps rambling, like he's hurriedly trying to make you leave as soon as possible. "Avoid pools and the sea. It takes about six months to a year to heal, so don't... don't touch it, don't play with it or..." he clears his throat, "don't let anyone else play with it. And if it gets infected, come back immediately and I'll take a look at it." which he honestly hopes it won't happen. When he faces you, your top is back on and you're getting off the table.

"Alright, um...I'll do that." clearing your throat, your hand gripping the doorknob. "Thank you."

But right before you can exit the room, Jungkook says your name.

"_____." when you turn around to face him, it takes a few seconds for him to make eye contact from across the room. "It was good to see you."

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"Let me see!"

It's the first thing Chaelin says when she opens the door to her appartment. It's on the second floor, small enough to compare it to most expensive appartments you'd stayed in throughout your life, but big enough for Chaelin, her cat and her -impressive- collection of acrylic nail kits and pairs of high heels. It's also big enough for her to offer you the only guest room until summer is over so you didn't have to, one, stay at your parents' place, and two, find an appartment in a short period of time for a short period of time.

When you left years ago, you did so with the thought of 'never looking back'. You never really expected to return here, of all places. Maybe visit your best friend for a weekend at most, have dinner with your parents on a saturday and then go back to the new life you'd made for yourself on a sunday.

But that was before you'd caught Adam cheating.

Tale as old as time: childhood sweethearts get engaged, move in together, son of a bitch sleeps with the assistand he told his girlfriend not to worry about, and then the brokenhearted girl packs her bags and leaves the cheating bastard begging for her to come back.

You'd be lying if you said you were surprised.

Throughout your life, you'd learned to expect many things, regardless of being sheltered and babied by your family since you were born. Watched too much Maury and Dr.Phil. Too much Gossip Girl to know what the deal with life really is.

So, thankfully, you'd only shed a few tears, mostly because your ego and self steem were slightly triggered. You'd realize long before that your feelings for Adam started to disappear once he popped the question and you said yes. Your love story began as teenagers but soon after graduating, the two of you went on different paths: you'd matured, grown into your twenties while he got stuck at 17 and never stopped acting as such.

So yeah, whatever, break ups are hard. But they're not as hard when the love is gone and the sole reason to stay with your partner is to please your parents. You were also right when you expected your mom to tell you to 'forgive and forget' because 'those things just happen, it's not a big deal, honey'.

But above all things, the last thing you expected to happen when you came back was to show your tits and get pierced by none other than motherfucking Jeon Jungkook.

Jeon Jungkook. Guk. Gukkie. Jeongukkie.

The lanky nerd with braces, glasses and an anime obsession much bigger than his hentai obsession, which is saying a lot. The shy, awkward classmate who'd stuttered his undying crush for you when you were just kids. That one who you had rudely rejected like the bitch you used to be in high school.

But my God, Jeon Jungkook was anything but a kid now.

You were shocked. You were gagged. Couldn't seem to fathom what was happening and what your eyes were seeing. It took you a while to close your mouth when you realized JK was Guk. Gukkie. Jeongukkie.

With messy black hair, a smoldering gaze free of glasses, piercings adorning both ears, and his right eyebrow,, the braces long gone showing perfectly straight - but still bunny like- teeth. The clothes he wore were loose, all black, but it was impossible not to notice the muscles of his back and arms, covered with tattoos from his hands to his forearms. You'd bet there were more of them underneath the fabric.

It was awkward at first. You didn't know what to do, or what to say. Didn't know if he rememberd you. So you chose to stay quiet while your body chose to react like it had never been in the presence of an attractive young man in it's entire life.

And oh, did it react.

He was reluctant, his old timid demeanor peeking through his newly adopted persona. But as soon as those hands came in contact with your skin, your whole body was lit on fire. Like you were 16 and losing your virginity over again and it was the first time a dude touched your boobs.

There shouldn't have been anything erotic about it -besides the fact that your entire breasts were exposed-, it should've been just a professional procedure. But those gloved fingers touched and pinched and suddenly you were too aware of Jeon Jungkook and the way you were starting to sweat profously, not due to the heat of the season.

You tried to distract yourself by looking at the cieling and not at his gorgeous face. Tried to avoid thinking about Jeon Jungkook and how his mouth would feel wrapped around you. Tried not to think about the way your panties were a second skin to your folds, and how tempted you were to grind your hips until you recieved some sort of friction with the jean fabric of your shorts. You wonder if he noticed you squeezing your thighs together. You hope not.

And then the needle happened. You never thought of yourself as a particularly kinky person. Sex with Adam was boring for the most part and you'd lost your libido for a long time. Stopped thinking about sex altogether. But the pain. The pain mixed with his hand rubbing soothing circles on your breast and his voice, as sweet as honey, guiding you through it. It made you reconsider a lot of things you'd once dismissed as 'weird' or 'deviant'

You swear you almost came right on his table.

And then your eyes connected, you made the mistake of calling his name like a satisfied woman who still needed more, and it was all gone. He stood up like a scared cat, gave you a bunch of explanations about the aftercare that you barely grasped without even looking at you and pretty much rushed you to leave.

So you walked, all the way from the tattoo parlor to Chaelin's appartment, mortified, and completely humilliated.

"Are you gonna let me see or not?" your friend says expectantly as you finally sit down after chugging a glass of iced water. You sigh, placing the glass on the table before carefully pulling down your top. "Oh my God, it looks so cool!" she gasps and you can't help a smile while she studies it in amazement. "Did it hurt?"

"Um, I guess." you keep out the part where you almost orgasmed, obviously, stopping her hand from touching when she reaches towards you. "Wait, no. He said something about not touching it for like six months or a year, I don't remember."

At that, Chaelin's eyebrows quirk up. "He? It was a he? Was he cute, at least?"

"You won't believe this..." looking away for a few seconds, you take a deep breath. "It was Jeon Jungkook."

There's a pause, a silence that fills the room when Chaelin's jaw drops. "Jeon Jungkook...pierced your nipple?"

You close your eyes, bracing yourself for what you're a hundred percent sure is coming.

"Ha..." there it is. "Ha ha..." you still know there's more. "Ha ha ha..."

Chaelin laughs hysterically for about God knows how long, while you keep drinking your glass of water unfaced, your mind drifting back to Guk. Gukkie. Jeongukkie, his tattoos and his stupid gloved hands.

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You know he's here.

Everything was cool, you were doing alright, having a great time with your vodka sprite in hand and your cute white bikini on. Chaelin was by your side, the guys were excited to have you back and thankfully, you'd avoided most questions about Adam and they'd avoided digging too deep into the topic. You'd sunbathed the whole afternoon, kept away from the water like he'd told you and ate the Hawaiian pizza Yoongi insisted on ordering despite Namjoon's and Jimin's complaints.

It's at night, when you're a little tipsy and your cheeks are flushed, that you feel it. You'd barely noticed Taehyung disappearing to let in a new guest.

You don't see him, but you feel him.

You're sitting on the pool tile steps, legs dangling and the water baely reaching your belly to make sure it doesn't touch your very sensitive and newly pierced nipple. Your back is facing the sliding glass doors of Hoseok's house, but the moment you hear his voice, smooth but animated as he converses with Taehyung, your body wakes up immediately, back straightening, goosebumps forming on your arms and nipples tightening against the fabric of your two piece.

You don't turn around, instead opting for downing the remaining of your drink and coming to the realization that, of course, Taehyung, social butterfly who'd always got along with everybody and remained friends with most people from high school, still keeps in touch with Jungkook.

You ignore him when he enters the pool, still peering from the corner of your eyes while pretending to be engaged in Chaelin's and Jihyo's conversation. Your mind sabotages you by taking you to that day a week ago at the tattoo parlor.

To the warmth of his hand, to the few strands of hair that his small ponytail couldn't keep together, to the way his eyes focused on such an intimate part of your body, to the endless ink decorating his skin, to-

Great. Now your bottoms are wet and not due to the water.

You don't miss Chaelin supressing a laugh and her not so subtle elbowing. You glance at her in warning and try to keep calm for the next fifteen minutes until Jin proposes moving to the living room to watch a movie.

"I'm gonna stay here for a little longer, guys." you say, after clearing your throat. You needed some time to gather yourself before being in a confined space with Jungkook.

"Are you sure?" Jin stops by your side to place a hand on your shoulder as everybody starts exiting the pool. "It's Mean Girls! You love Mean Girls! You never miss a minute of Mean Girls!"

Rolling your eyes, you wave him dismissively. "I know every dialogue on Mean Girls like the back of my hand, I think I'll be alright, Jin."

When everybody finally leaves, you take a deep breath, covering your face with your hands in an attempt to get him out of your head. Damn Jeon Jungkook and his irresisitble glow up.

"You okay?"

The unexpected voice startles you, a gasp finding its way out of your mouth and causing you to jump on your seat, heartbeat erratic as you instantly recognize who it belongs to. Your hand grasps your chest as if that would do anything to protect yourself against him.

"Shit, don't do that!" you say, the words almost getting stuck in your throat as you see him approaching you, still submerged in the pool. The more he nears you, the less water depth there is and the more visible his torso comes into view. Wich was exactly what you'd been avoiding.

Because Jeon Jungkook was ripped, as you'd imagined when you first encountered him.

Broad shoulders and strong biceps and chiseled abs and veiny forearms. Drenched hair, a full sleeve of tattoos and water dripping from delicious tan skin and all just so very hard. That paired up with a loopsided smile that does nothing but make you shudder.

"Sorry." he doesn't sound apologetic at all when he says that, the smirk adorning his features telling. "You just seemed a little off." you advert your gaze when he pushes his hair back.

"I'm fine, just...just wanted to be by myself."

"Oh" Jungkook's smile disappears. "I can leave, if you want me t-"

"No!" you're not sure where that comes from and neither does he, judging by the look on his face when your eyes find his. Eyebrows raised and mouth slightly parted, he's as surprised as you and there's an awkward silence for a few seconds. "Um, you don't have to. I mean, it's not my house, you can do whatever you want." you sniff and tame your voice, trying to seem cool and collected like you didn't just practically beg him not to go.

Ironic, considering this was exactly what you had been fearing for the past thirty minutes.

And then he smiles. A knowing smile. A smile that says 'you just totally checked me out and now you don't want me to leave'. A smile that you would have never associated with Jeon Jungkook of all people years ago. A smile that makes you want to look away but still keeps you in place.

"Sure." he says, closing the space between the two of you slowly but still leaving enough distance. "So, how's it going?"

You clear your throat, head high and determined not to let this man, or any man for that matter, turn you into a trembling mess. You're still you and you're not easily shaken by the opposite sex. Or at least that's what you helplessly chant in your head.

"Everything's cool. I'm on summer vacation now," a little white lie, "so I decided to-"

"The piercing." he says, the smile never leaving his face. "I meant how's the piercing."

"The pier- right." you almost miss the step he takes forward, all too aware of his height over yours but thankful for the centimeters that being propped on the stairs added to yours. "It's-" you almost, almost miss his knee touching your knee and him slightly separating your legs with his own inch by inch. Or how your thighs open unvoluntarely to welcome him in and how you can barely find coherent words to speak. "It's doing-" or the way his smile disappears and is instead focusing his dark stare fully onto yours.

"It's doing well." you finally say in a whisper, not being able to bring yourself to be louder.

He hums. "May I see it?" Jungkook wets his lips with the tip of his tongue and the action and his voice is enough to make you nod your head, bewitched.

His movements are unhurried, his hand coming up to tentatively come in contact with the flesh of your clavicle. His fingers skim through your skin upwards, his touch is feather-like when it wraps around your throat. You pant, and he stops but he doesn't move away, his eyes still focused on yours, studying you, daring you to pull back, to tell him to back off. But just a simple touch of his and you're fully under his control. It reminds you too much of the day you got that damn piercing.

Your lips are parted and for a moment he stays just like that. His body so close to yours but not close enough, and his hand slightly gripping your neck. Your pussy clenches around nothing and you can't wrap your head around the fact that something so simple sets your entire being alive and leaves you aching.

Then, as slow as he started, his hand travels from the front of your neck to the back, pushing your hair aside to carefully untie the straps of your bikini. He breathes through his nostrils, doesn't make a sound. He seems so collected it's starting to annoy you.

Instead, your breathing is ragged when the top falls down, exposing both your breasts to him. That's when he removes his eyes from yours and his jaw clenches. Your nipples perk up under his gaze, like they remember him and the effect he had on them just a week ago. You're at least glad you're not the only one affected but he seems to be a master at keeping it under wraps.

Then, his hand moves again, leaving goosebumps on your skin as it goes south. Jungkook takes his time, so deliberate you want to scream, until he's cupping your pierced breast, keeping away from the nipple just like he'd advised you a few days prior. You can't look away from his face, from his eyes observing you like you're a full course meal and he's been starving for days. You feel drops of water falling from his hair to your thighs, his thumb caressing your skin so delicately as it faintly nears your still tender nipple. Just nearing it, never touching it.

"Beautiful." his murmur is almost imperceptible and for a moment you think you've imagined it. Your back arches on its own, breast pushed against the palm of his hand, almost like your body is begging him to come closer, to touch you more, to feel you all over. He meets your eyes briefly, gauging your reaction, before going back to your chest. Suddenly, the grip on your breast tightens, fingers ever so softly squeezing your flesh. From your throat comes a mewl, your eyes shut and your legs close around his waist.

"Jungkook, please..." you whisper when you open your eyes. He looks at you, unvertainty written all over his face, lips bruised as if he had been biting on them too hard, gaze as glassy as yours. And just like that, the spell is broken. He blinks and his expression changes completely. Lips forming a straight line and jaw tight. His hand retracts, fixing your bikini top over your breasts before tying it around your neck like it originally was. Meanwhile your eyebrows crunch in confusion. But when you're about to start asking questions, he clears his throat.

"It's healing okay." he steps back, avoiding your eyes. "I'll see you inside."

Jungkook leaves the pool like nothing happened.

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Jungkook is fiddling, fixing the position of his glasses and combing through his straight hair with shaky hands, habits he's tried so hard to get rid of in his sixteen years of existence but still finds impossible to.

He can't help it. He's always been like this: the quiet and awkward kid in class who sits in the back, a misunderstood puppy in a sea of stronger dog breeds that could eat him alive. An outcast. Too geeky for his own good. Notebokes full of Dragon Ball doodles on the margins of the pages, the shelves in his room stacked with Marvel figurines, and a closet filled with outdated clothes that he has been inheriting from his older brother.

He has never been the type to stand out, always being overlooked by people like he's invisible. He doesn't mind though. He'd much rather be ignored than getting picked on by bullies like he used to in elementary school.

He never gets invited to parties. Ever. He's a nobody who barely speaks, and when he does he either stutters or manages to embarrass himself in one way or another. He's seen the look on people's faces when they look at him. Their eyes seem to scream 'weirdo' everytime he gets acknowledged.

So obviously the only reason he was invited to this particular party had a first and last name: Kim Taehyung. The only kid in Jungkook's entire life who didn't look at him in a funny way, the only kid who took the time to entangle in a random conversation with him after class and who seemed geniune enough to make Jungkook feel comfortable.

He's not sure how it happened, since Taehyung mostly hangs out with the cool kids. But somehow it did, and now Jungkook is uncomfortably standing in a living room full of drunk teens, looking directly at you.

You, the one girl Jungkook had been pining on for God knows how long. You, who are obviously too pretty, too popular, and way out of his league. You, with your plaid skirt and your polo shirt and those legs that never seem to end. You, who are sitting with your friends in a couch, drink in hand and visibly tipsy. And yet, he doesn't think he's ever seen anyone pull of the 'drunk-rosy-cheek' look better than you.

He can hear your laugh through the music and he already thinks it sounds better than whoever is playing in the background.

"Come on, Gukkie! Her friends are leaving and she's all by herself now! It's your chance" Taehyung's obviously drunk too because it took Jungkook a while to decypher his exact words. He'd disappeared for a while and now that he's back, he's pushing Jungkook in your direction.

"This was a mistake, Taehyung." Jungkook shakes his hair and steps back, quickly glancing at the front door to prepare his escape. But his new friend's grip on his hoodie keeps him in place.

"Guk, listen. The only thing you have to do, is walk up to her, and say 'hey I think you're, like, really pretty. Just letting you know. Bye!' That's it. Jung- Dude, Guk, seriously, look at me." Taehyung grabs Jungkook's cheeks, squishing them between his hands and forceing him to face him. "You've been crushing hard on her for years, my man. We're graduating and you won't see each other again. What's the worst thing that can happen? Getting rejected?"

Jungkook's eyebrows draw together. "Um, yeah?"

"Exactly! Getting rejected is not the end of the world, bro! It just means keep trying on other girls!" Taehyung releases his hold on Jungkook's cheeks. "I just think you're going to regret not telling your crush she's your crush. Who knows? Maybe in the future you two will get married."

Jungkook snickers, muttering a 'yeah right' under his breath. Still, he can't help the smile that Taehyung's words always seem to pull out of him.

"Now," Taehyung playfully slaps Jungkook before turning him in your direction again. "Go get 'em, tiger!"

"Okay," Mijoo's voice slices through Jungkook's memories. She's sitting on Jungkook's desk, munching on her brownies and looking at her coworker expectantly. "And then what?"

He sighs, running a hand through his hair, sits back on his chair, already feeling the effects of Mijoo's baked goods. "And then I walked up to her, like a damn fool, stutter and all. And I say:" he clears his throat, making an effort to do his best teenage Gukkie impression."'Hey, _____, um, so, I think you're beautiful and I've had a crush on you since seventh grade, haha, just wanted to let you know.'"

Mijoo rolls her eyes, still chewing. "And then what?"

"And then she looked me up and down, giggled, fucking giggled, Mijoo, and said 'Who are you, again?'" Mijoo gasps and Jungkook closes his eyes, trying to force that recollecion out of his head.

"What a bitch." she can't help but laugh before apologizing. Jungkook merely shrugs his shoulders and takes another bite of his brownie. "She didn't say anything else?"

"She said something along the lines of:" he clears his throat again, this time, doing an impression of you. "'That's sweet and all but, you and I... we're not the same. And I have a boyfriend, so...' She said that like I didn't know, like I wasn't aware of the school's it couple! Like I was dumb!"

Mijoo nods. "And now you want to fuck her even more than you did in high school."

"I- No! Well, yes. Fuck, of course I want to sleep with her! But I just... can't."

"Why not?"

"Did you hear anything about what I just told you or were you too concentrated trying to get high?"

It's Mijoo's turn to roll her eyes. "I heard everything you just told me. I just don't understand what the problem is. You two were sixteen. Sure, she was a bitch about it, but Lord knows I've been a bitch my entire life and now I'm not anymore." Jungkook raises an eyebrow at that. "Okay, sometimes I can be nice. But the point is..." Mijoo finishes her piece of brownie before getting off of Jungkook's desk. "It's been, what? Nine? Ten years? People change, JK. You're the best example of that. You want to fuck her and she obviously wants to fuck you too. You're both adults." she wipes her hands on her shorts. "I think it's time you fulfill that high school fantasy of yours."

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You've made up your mind.

And by you, it means Chaelin has made up your mind.

It didn't take long to convince you though. That last interaction with Jungkook cause too many emotions stirring within you. It left you hot, it left you bothered, it left you confused. Sure, it also left you a little bit embarrassed like the first time, but above everything else, that interaction with Jungkook left you absolutely livid.

Because who the fuck did Jeon Jungkook, formerly known as Guk, Gukkie, Jungukkie, and currently known as JK, think he was to come near you, speed your heart rate's up, and then runaway like that?

You've spent days thinking about it. About that face, about that body, about those hands and- shit. You're doing it again.

You've spent days trying to push those intrusive thoughts. Spent days trying to bury what happened. You've spent days trying to keep quiet, not telling anyone about it and just wishing that stupid spark of desire simply went away.

But it has just been simply unavoidable. You haven't been able to ignore the sleepless nights with your brain drifting back to that night and forbidding your hand from slipping under your panties. Or the excessive amount of time during the day where images of him suddenly popped in your head and wouldn't go away, even with you squeezing your thighs to try to make the ache go away.

So you ended up ranting and ranting and ranting to the only person you could confide on, who is obviously your best friend. Your best friend, who's too smart for her own good and knows you too well for your liking. Because apparently your moodiness and snappy remarks couldn't go unnoticed.

And after explaining the fiasco over a bottle of wine -and minutes of endless laughing on Chaelin's part because, again, it's Gukkie you two were talking about and, according to her, this was "the most karmic thing I've ever seen"-, she gave you the best advice an older sister could ever give.

"Fuck him."

"I know right? Fuck him!"

"No. I mean, fuck him."

And now here you are. Right inside that room you stepped in weeks ago, confronting the man in question with the same confidence that has always distinguished you from others and trying to act like the fluttering inside your belly wasn't nauseauting.

"A date."

"Yes."

"You want to go on a date with me." this wouldn't be so hard if Jungkook didn't look so delectable in a plain white t-shirt and ripped jeans. You cross your arms over your chest, doing your best to not look down at the exposed skin of a man who obviously worked out a lot and apparently, never skipped leg day. "What's the catch?"

He's sitting on his chair, back resting comfortably and legs spread, narrowing his eyes at you and probably wondering why the girl at the front desk let you in without an appointment. Also, probably wondering if there was a catch to all of this.

"There's no catch. I just want to go to the fair this weekend. I'll ask Taehyung for your number and text you the date and the exact place we'll be meeting. Unless..." your quirk one of your eyebrows. "Unless you're already planning on how you'll chicken out this time."

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Of course, Jungkook says yes to going on a date with his high school crush but spends the following days overthinking every single thing.

He can't help but feel like it's kinda sketchy. What if you're planning your vendetta on him? What if you don't even show up and he ends up there looking like a damn idiot? What if you hate him and are just messing up with him? What if that incident in high school is going to repeat itself?

"If she doesn't show up, you simply move on and never speak to her again. It's that simple. She can't have that much power over you to cry about something like that." Mijoo had said that same day she let you in the tattoo parlor after you'd asked to see Jungkook. Jungkook's coworker hadn't even question you and just motioned you to Jungkook's room with a knowing smile on her face. Later that day, Jungkook had scolded her about it and she'd simply shrugged.

He considers cancelling, eyes reading the 'won't be able to make it, sorry (sad face emoji)' over and over again and fingers hovering over the send button so many times he's lost count. But then he remembers that comment of yours about him chickening out and Jungkook starts seeing red.

How couldn't you understand he's just terrified of you rejecting him one more time? Sure, Jungkook is now an adult who doesn't get butthurt over stuff like that. He's experienced too much after graduating from high school and he's a much stronger individual than his fragile self back was back then.

But something about you just makes him feel so... weak.

He still finds it impossible to concieve where he got the courage to approach you like that at Taehyung's pool, or how he brought himself to touch you for longer than a minute without coming in his pants. He'd enjoyed it too much. Allowing him to see you so exposed, just for him. He'd be so tempted to kiss you right there and then, to run his hands up and down your thighs and fully wrap your legs around him to let you known how much you'd affected him. Once you called his name, it was like he'd finally snapped out of it and backed away like he'd been burned by you. He spent the next twenty minutes trying to keep himself from pulling down his pants and jerking off in his friend's bathroom.

It's terrible. Because he feels like the teenager he used to be when you're around. Shy, insecure and overall a mess. You showing up in his life after so many years and now apparenly being interested in him seems like a dream that he's not sure he wants to keep being in or wake up from before it's too late and he falls back into that tumoltuous longing that will inevitably end up in heartbreak. His heartbreak.

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It's saturday night, he's standing by himself in the crowded fair at the spot. You're fifteen minutes late and he's already about to turn back and dip out. He feels too awkward and the nerves are eating him alive.

You're not going to show up. You're not going to show up and now he feels and looks even dumber than the time he told you he was crushing on you. You're not even going to show up and now he's going to come back home, get drunk by himself and curse your name for-

"Hey!" he turns around to the sound of your voice and sees you running towards him. "Sorry I'm late! I couldn't find my phone and spent like thirty minutes looking for it. Turns out, Sharon Stone, was taking a nap on top of it and I didn't even notice."

"Sharon Stone?"

"Chaelin's cat."

To be honest, he's too surprised to process your explanation right away. He might also be a little speechless because that sky blue sundress looks too good on your skin and your eyelashes are so long, framing your beautiful eyes, and your lips are all glossy and kisseable that it takes him a while to find his own voice.

He clears his throat. "It's alright." scratching the back of his head, he momentarely adverts his gaze from you in an attempt to not get distracted by how soft your hair looks and how much he wants to wrap it around his hands in a ponytail. "Um, where do you want to go first?"

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Almost an hour and a half later, when the sun has already disappeared and you're both surrounded by colorful lights, Jungkook decides to buy the both of you hot dogs and a drink and you both settle down on a bench.

You've been walking all over the fair, going from booth to booth, playing any game in sight Jungkook dared you to -he obviously had a competitive streak-: from the ballon and dart games, to the shooting games, to the bumping cars, to the ball-in-basket one. To say you were having fun was an understatement.

You'd almost regretted setting the date up. You were sure he wouldn't even show up and if he did, you were scared of how awkward things could get between the two of you. And if things were awkward, you were sure it would only take less than thirty minutes for the both of you to part ways and never talk again about such failure of a date.

To your surprise, none of that happened.

The conversation was flowing, both of you acting like you were strangers on their first date getting to know each other, which, to be fair, that's exactly what it felt like. There was a slight banter, teasing each other when one of you lost in whatever game you were playing while the other was obviously winning. There were laughs and a funny feeling in your tummy whenever you'd walk side by side and his arm brushed yours.

There was no stiffness on his shoulders, no mention of the past or your previous encounters, no acknowledgement of the blatant sexual tension you'd experienced before, not an ounce of avoidance whenever your eyes met his and he was even sure of himself enough to place a hand on your lower back or briefly interwine your fingers with his to guide you through the mass of people.

It felt like you'd both unspokenly agreed on making each other feel comfortable enough to have a good time.

"I didn't think you were going to show up, to be honest." you suddenly say, taking a sip of your strawberry juice and thankful to finally let your feet rest for a while.

Jungkook looks at you, hot dog mid air and eyebrows almost disappearing into his hairline. "You didn't think I was going to show up? I didn't think you were going to show up." you simply shrug, lowering your gaze seepishly, the beginning of a smile on both your faces. He surprises you by tilting your head in his direction with his forefinger. You watch him watching you, a little dazed, a little lost in how his dark hair messily falls over his forehead and his equally dark eyes study your face, his thumb swiping over your lower lip. "You um... There was ketchup right there." he lies.

"Oh" you say, feeling your face heating up. "Thanks. Red doesn't really match this dress." you manage a smile and tuck a lock of your hair behind your ear.

At that, he eyes your dress for a moment, mouth slightly ajar. He's debating on whether or not to say something but you beat him to it.

"I'm sorry, by the way."

"For being late? I already told you it's fin-"

"No." you shake your head. "For... that time when we were young and I was such a concieted brat." you say, looking away , trying to find anything else that's not his pretty face. "I thought I was a queen bee back then. I was annoying and rude, specially to you. I..." you lick your lips. The cherry glittery gloss was already gone. "I thought it was cute, what you said. There was no reason for me to act like that. I know this doesn't make anything right but..." when you turn to face him again, there's still the same expression on his face. "I'm sorry."

A few seconds go by before it's him who's shaking his head. "It's okay. It was a long time ago, anyway." he smiles at you, although it doesn't reach his eyes and seems sorta forced. You sigh, and he takes your hand. "Let's go to the ferris wheel."

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tell you're tense. You're sitting right beside him in the ferris cabin, your back is all straight, you're facing forward and he believes you haven't blinked for what feels like an eternity. He thinks it has everything to do with your conversation a few minutes ago. You were probably not content with his response but what could Jungkook do? There was really no point in apologizing for something that happened years ago, but at the same time, he didn't want to hold anything against you like a resentful asshole because it was really not who he was. But there was still a little bit of stingyness inside of him and he didn't know how to make it go away.

At the end of the day, here you were, on a date with him that you'd asked for, getting along and asking questions about him and laughing at his jokes and trying to start all over again.

But then the ferris wheel starts moving, and he finally understands why you look so uncomfortable.

It's the way you immediately grip his forearm, nails digging in his skin and he swears he hears the smallest gasp forcing itself out your throat.

"Are you... scared?" he tentatively asks.

You say nothing for a while, not moving an inch. He would laugh if you didn't look so pained about it.

"I don't like small confined spaces nor rollercoasters." you finally say through gritted teeth.

"It's not really that small and ferris wheels are not rollercoasters. " your nails dig deeper and he winces. "Okay, okay. You don't like small confined spaces nor rollercoasters, and that includes ferris wheels. So why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know. I've never liked ferris wheels but you seemed excited about it, so..."

There's a silence after that in the environment, neither of you exactly sure of what to say or how to act. Until Jungkook moves one of his hands hands until it's resting on the one who's holding onto him for dear life, fingers caressing yours. The warmth of his hand spreads through yours and although it's almost July and you can already feel your sweaty back staining your dress, it's oddly comforting. What's more comforting even, is him twisting his body towards you and talking with the calmest and most soothing tone you've ever heard.

"Look at me." you do instantly, unwillingly, and kinda wish you hadn't. It's almost as if your body will do anything he says without question. Like he has some sort of power over it to just react however he wants. His eyes bore into yours and suddenly the cab doesn't seem so suffocating. "It's just you and me right now. We're not even on a ferris wheel." the corners of his mouth turn slowly upwards. You zone out the environment, suddenly too aware of him and how close he is and how loud the beating of your heart is to your own ears.

"Jungkook."

You swallow the knot in the back of your throat when he removes his hand from yours. It almost makes you protest, - now realizing you've losened the tight grip on his arm- , before it craddles your face, keeping you in place while bringing his body closer.

"You have to stop saying my name like that."

With his thigh touching your thigh, your whole demeanor melts. When he leans closer, and you feel his breath fanning over your lips, your eyes shut closed.

"Tell me I can-" he starts to say.

"Yes." you finish for him. He doesn't doubt on closing the distance between you two. His lips touch yours and your body shakes in excitement. It's just him lightly skimming your lips with his but it's already too much and at the same time, not enough. It has you deepening it, yourself moving closer when he kisses you again. It has you relaxing against him, the tenseness prior disappearing and making you arch your back when his tongue asks for permission.

But it's exactly then, the moment you open your lips to him, that has you losing your mind.

The sparks fly, traveling from your head to your toes and then settling on the pit of your stomach as soon as the kiss starts to turn desperate and rough. When he nibbles your lips with his teeth, it makes you mewl and whine and your nipples tight against the cotton of your dress. It makes the metal barbell to feel uncomfortable, slightly painful. And when he goes back to being messy and filthy with his tongue tangled with yours, your thighs close on their own.

He forces himself to pull his hand back and bring it down, finding the parting of yd opening them for him. "Wait," you say, your fingers wrapping around his forearm as you try to catch your breath."The ferris-" he shuts you up with another kiss.

"We're not on a ferris wheel." he reminds you, a soft whisper against your mouth. And for whatever reason, you believe him.

≿━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━༺❀༻━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━≾

"He fingered you on the ferris wheel."

"Yes."

"And you came before the ride was over."

You take a small sip of wine, your eyes focusing on the TV where a rerun of the Golden Girls is playing, although, to be fair, lately you haven't been able to pay much attention to anything else but a certain brunet with doe eyes and kisseable lips. "Yes."

She hums, stealing a handful of popcorn from the bowl between your thighs.

"How long did it took? Like five minutes?"

There's a pause in which you clench your jaw, your fingers twitching around the glass in your hand, and then you answer. "Probably less."

There's another pause, and then-

"Ha...Ha ha...Ha ha ha-"

You let her laugh. It's okay. You knew you had it coming.

Chaelin knows the pillow you throw right at her face is also something she had coming.

≿━━━━━━━━━━━━༺❀༻━━━━━━━━━━━━≾

It's not that you're mad.

Jungkook and you had a great time on that fair date, he made you laugh, bought hot dogs and drinks for the two of you and got you off inside the cab of a ferris wheel on record time with those magical, long fingers of his. Technically, there shouldn't be anything to be angry about.

Except it's been a week and you can't stop thinking about him, about wanting more, and about those words that he left you with after the ferris wheel ride ended, when you had tried to return the favor.

'Next time, maybe.'

And there hasn't been a next time.

The thought of texting him or giving him a call to ask for another date is persistent in your mind. It remains while you do the laundry or wash the dishes, while you shower, while you eat or while you spend your days at the beach with Chaelin. There's always the incessant desire to reach out towards your phone, unlock it and dial his number to beg for more.

But you'd never been one to beg, so you resist the urge everytime that feeling starts to creep up on you and it washes over you like a wave. You silence your phone and try to concentrate on making the most out of your summer.

It's one random night, when you're tiredly dragging your feet across Chaelin's apartment's carpet, yawning and ready to succumb to a well needed slumber, that you see your phone screen's lighting up with a message.

Your heart pathetically leaps inside your chest when you read his name.

'you free on saturday?'

You wish you could say you ghosted him, ignored his text and moved on with your life until it was him who begged you for another date. But the truth is you opened it in a matter of seconds and typed 'i'm free, why?' back in a rush with trembling fingers.

So now you're on the passanger seat of his car while he sits on the driver seat, the first saturday night of July, like he's Danny Zuko and you're Sandy Olsson, watching a vintage movie in a drive-in theater which plot you don't give a shit about, even if Jungkook's date plan idea made something inside of you churn with adoration.

And the only reason why you don't give a single damn about the movie playing in front of your eyes, is because you're hot. Way too hot. And the reason and cause is none other than the boy-now-turned-man sitting on your left.

You barely exchanged words when he picked you up, just rode in silence until you got to your destination and you bet he can feel as well as you do the tension in the air.

You've surveyed him a few times from the corner of his eye, noticing him fiddling with the rings around his fingers and shifting in his seat from time to time. And if the sight of his fingers bring memories that you've tried to bury to keep yourself from lunching towards him, a brief glance at his forearms, adorned with ink drawn through his golden flesh -doing a poor job at concieling the veins running underneath- and his skin-tight jeans wrapping those muscled thighs of his is enough to have you be the one squirming in your seat.

A woman can only endure so much, and you come to that realization thirty minutes into the movie.

"I want to suck your cock." you say, a stern expression on your face as you turn your body in his direction.

Jungkook frozes as your voice slides over him. It takes him a couple seconds to look at you, shock widening his eyes and parting his lips.

"Huh?" he manages, his grip on the steering wheel turning his knuckles white.

Without separating your gaze from his, you gather your hair and tie it in a ponytail with the hair tie previously around your wrist. You don't miss the quick glance he sneaks into the curvature of your neck and the valley between your breasts.

Inching forward, closing in on him, you place one of your hands on top of his thigh, the action making his whole body tense. "____..." he whispers your name in a warning that doesn't sound convincing even in his own ears.

You smile, your eyes never wavering from his as your hand inches upwards, slowly caressing over the fabric of his jeans until you finally come across what you were looking for.

His hand flies to your wrist, stilling your movements. "____, this is not-". He starts, but his voice gets stuck inside his throat when you palm his undoubtly growing erection.

"Shh." your shaky breath fans over his cheek and you force yourself on your knees on the passanger seat in a more comortable possition to stop the trembling to reach them.

You fumble with the belt holding his pants in place, then with the button and finally with the zipper. He helps you by lifting his hips to pull his jeans and boxers to his thighs and you have to bite back a mixture between a gasp and a moan at the sight below you. You haven't even seen Jeon Jungkook naked all the way, but the mere sight of his hard cock with pre-cum glistening on his crown is probably the sexiest thing you've ever had the pleasure of appreciating.

It gets sexier when you wrap your hand around the base and his body melts in the driver seat, throwing his head back with his eyes shut. It gets even sexier when you finally lower your head, swirling your tongue over the head before finally engulfing him fully in the wet warmth of your mouth.

"Shit." his voice is tight, uneven as his hand loosely grips your ponytail, as if careful not to accidentally hurt you and break the glorious moment.

Although you wouldn't mind at all. Because the moment your hands are on him, and your tongue is on his shaft, that's the only thing you care about. Your belly is twisting, an undeniable wet spot on your panties as the fabric sticks to your folds, and the more you suck Jungkook, the more you want from him. His earthy taste is addicting and the soft little whimpers he occasionally can't prevent himself from are making you want to milk him until he can't take it no more. There's this desire within you to whorship him and his cock like you had been dreaming for the past weeks.

"This is s-so fucking h-hot." he rasps between ragged breaths, the bobbing of your head, sliding up and down his dick as your hand works the centimeters your mouth can't take is about to make him faint.

"Getting a blowjob?" you joke, your throat starting to feel sore as you kiss his leaking tip.

"N-no." he draws in a rough breath when you take him all of him again. "You giving me a blowjob... T-the f-fact that anyone c-could see us..." he darts a quick glance at your body, your ass up in the air and your dress sliding down, almost exposing you completely. "The fact that-ah! Shit..." he squeezes his eyes when he feels a glob of your spit lubricating him.

There's a sudden need to make you feel the same, to touch your skin and have you shaking the same way you have him. So one of his hands travels from your spine, to your perked ass, finally dragging the cotton of your dress to allow himself to see your thin white panties. "The fact that anyone could see you l-like this," he murmurs, regaining a little bit of control when he squeezes one of your cheeks. "letting t-them see you s-sucking my cock and..." he smirks when he feels you gasping around him, his fingers trapped between your thighs and pushing them inside your heat easily "and letting them see me fingering this pretty little pussy."

Soon after that he's cumming in your mouth while you're cumming around his fingers.

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At first, it's mostly on weekends when you see each other. Weekends of stolen kisses and soft sighs and whispering against each other's lips. Then weekends turn to week days, sitting on grass while sipping on refreshing beverages, drawing each other laughs, elbows touching as you walk around the park side by side because the both of you are too scared to interwine your fingers together.

Jungkook feels content like this: sitting on the sand with you between his thighs, admiring the sunset while nuzzing your neck and inhaling your scent every now. He likes waching you enoying your strawberry ice cream, almost forgetting the chocolate chip one already melting in his hand.

"If you were an ice cream flavor,which one would you be?" you ask him, relaxing against his chest.

"Rocky road."

"Why?"

He shrugs behind you. "Everyone likes rocky road."

You hum, playfully rolling your eyes. "What about me? Which ice cream flavor would I be?"

"Lemon sherbet, in the summer."

"Lemon sherbet? Out of all of the flavours out there, you're rocky road and I'm lemon sherbet?"

"Lemon sherbet, in the summer." he corrects.

"Okay, fine. Why?"

"You're boring and basic."

You gasp, trying to feign outrage but not being able to repress the laugh that escapes your throat. You elbow him, his laugh mixing with yours while taking the time to wrap his arms around your form, the breeze blowing your hair allowing him a spot between your neck and your shoulder. "You're boring and basic, but once you have a taste..." he presses a small kiss on your skin, causing the tiny hairs on the nape of your neck to rise. "Once you have a taste, specially on the hottest day in the middle of summer, you can't stop tasting and licking until there's no more lemon sherbet left."

You suck in on a breath when he craddles your jaw to face him. "It's been my favourite flavor since I was a kid." he kisses you immediately after, his lips swallowing the small whimper now stuck in your throat.

You close your eyes as his tongue opens your mouth, arousal blasting your insides and something much, much deeper that you fear to even name shredding your chest.

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The beginning of august comes faster then you two realize, but what you both do realize is how hard it's becoming to stay away from each other.

It's been thirty days of dates happening almost everyday, sharing high school memories and anecdotes of the time you spent away from each other. Hours of getting to know each other and opening up to each other. From failed relationships to new friendships. Of park dates walking side by side and fingers now interwined because you both realized one day that, fuck it.

It's difficult to sleep when you realize you're starting to catch serious feelings for somebody who was just supposed to be a fling. It's hard to sleep when his face, his voice and his touch and thoughts of missing him when you don't see each other start haunting you at night.

It's hard for Jungkook to focus on work when you're everything that's occupying his mind. Because he has a hundred sketches to make but he's too busy thinking about the hundred different sketches he would make of you.

It's hard not to send him a goodnight text, just like it's hard for him not to reply in a matter of seconds, almost as if he was already waiting to recieve it.

Jungkook thinks of you at night. Of how pretty and absolutely perfect you are for him. Of the taste of your lips, the way your hair feels between his fingers, or the flush on your cheeks when he makes you cum as droplets of sweat accumulate between your breasts. He thinks about your voice. He also thinks about the amount of hours left to be able to listen to it again.

But mostly he thinks about how ridiculous this situation is. Because he was stupidly crushing on you when you were only teenagers, daydreaming about a chance with you. And now his crush is long gone and he's starting to realize that he's falling, and falling fast.

You, too, think of Jungkook at night. Of his ability to bring a smile out of you, to soothe you with just a few words and filling your belly excitement, happiness and feelings you're sure you've never felt before.

Jungkook's managed to imprint himself in your dreams, and you, in his.

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Getting drunk with Jungkook is fun and messy.

It's fun because he lets loose, he stutters a lot like he used to do when he was a teenager and he makes you laugh louder than ever before. It's messy because he has no control over his hands as they explore your body, clumsily taking your clothes off as his mouth laps at the breast he's allowed to touch.

He's more forceful and dominating too, pinning your hands above your head, and commanding you to keep them right there, on the pillows of his bed. When you rebel against it, your fingers finding the hard planes of his chest, he pulls away from you and places them back where he left them. "Don't make me tie you up." he threatens, and your body shudders beneath him.

He sucks, and bites and leaves marks all over your skin, grunting in response to your moans. Creating a path of kisses from your lips to your stomach, his shoulders separating your knees, opening you up only for him. And thankfully, when you reach down to tug at the strands of hair framing his face, he lets you, because he knows you need something to hold on to the moment his tongue eats you up. He leaves his fingertrips on your thighs as he keeps you in place, not allowing you to runaway. Just forcing you to take it as he takes from you.

And when you cum, he doesn't back away. He keeps sucking, and licking and punishing you with his mouth until you're cumming over and ove again, screaming and begging for his cock.

Having Jungkook over you, both completely naked, skin to skin and only sweat in between is more than you could've ever fantazised about. He slurls your name when he puts the condom on. He would do anything to feel you raw, but he also knows he wouldn't be able to last a minute. The sight of you spread open, with your cheeks darkened by a crimson blush and your hair tangled all over his pillow is a picture he wants to keep forever.

He enters you when you call his name, your voice dripping with need. He stretches your warm and wet felsh, slowly easing himself into you at first, until he's fully inside and your bodies are completely in union. A shiver runs down Jungkook's spine when he looks at your contorted face in pleasure, your lips forming an 'O' and your pussy clenching around him.

"Oh, my God." you moan into the dark of Jungkook's room, and even then, he can clearly appreciate every curve of your body lifting off the mattress to connect with his. He lowers himself on his elbows on either side of your head, caging you in and capturing your mouth with his.

"I know, baby." he murmurs. It's hot, in the middle of August but suddenly Jungkook doesn't hate summer as much as he used to. Not with you sharing the heat with him. "It's way beyond what I could ever imagine." You nod hurriedly against his lips, your arms finding their way around his neck as he starts rocking in and out of you.

"It's too good." you cry, when he hits a particular spot that has you rolling your eyes in bliss and gripping his waist tighter with your legs against you. Your fingers thread through his hair, not bothered by the beads of sweat gathered on the nape of his neck.

"Too good..." he agrees, not missing the shiver that's shaking your own frame when he picks up his speed. "You have no idea what I would do t-to fucking feel you with n-no barriers between us," his movements become frantic as his hips slap against yours, his jaw clenched as he keeps talking, "to s-stuff you full of my c-cum over and over again until it won't stop d-dripping."

Jungkook's voice against your ear has you trembling and your orgasm nearing closer, your nails scratching down his back as his thrusts overpower your form. "Would you like that?" he asks with his voice strangled.

"Y-yes. Anything y-you want."

"You'd take all of my cum like a good cum-slut?"

You hate the fact that that's what makes you come undone. The twisting and knotting in the pit of your stomach finally snapping until you're holding on to him like you never want to let him go and he's following soon after.

Because if Guk, Gukkie, Jengukkie was not only able to make you come in less than a few minutes with his fingers or his tongue, but he was also able to make you cum instantly just by calling you a good cum-slut, that means you're fucked. Like, really, really fucked.

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There's a knot in Jungkook's stomach and a suffocating grip around his vocal chords as he caresses your skin. The sun is rising in the distance with the first rays of light entering his room through the window. Your shamphoo is intoxicating him, numbing him and enticing him to bury his nose in the tangled curls pressing against his chest. Your arm is thrown across his stomach, your breathing leavig goosebumps all over his body.

"It's too early. Go back to sleep." you mumble against his heart. He wonders if you can feel it dangerously speeding up.

"I can't." he says, voice struggling to stay balanced. "I have to tell you something."

You hum in response, sleep still interwined with your body, your arm tightening around him. You sigh in content, expecting him to elaborate.

He wets his suddenly dry lips. "I don't want this to end. In fact, ____.... I want more. Need more."

"Jungkook..." your whole body goes rigid right away, untanglling your bodies from each other and sitting up on the mattress.

"No, listen to me." he mimicks your movements, rapidly grabbing your hands to make you look at him. His eyes are expressive, a mixture of fear and hope swirling in his dark irises. "I wake up everyday, and you're the first thing I think of. I go on about my day, and I keep thinking about you, wondering what you're doing and counting down the hours until I get to see you again. I spend every night dreaming about you, and when we'e together, the only thing I can think about is how I wish I could stop time so I don't have to say bye to you the next morning. ____, I-"

"Jungkook, stop please." you shake your head, pushing away from him and in desperate need of air. You press a hand against your chest, beating back the throb of pain while the other curls in a tight fist, the feeling of your fingernails digging into your palm less painful than the ache inside your heart. "This... This wasn't supossed to happen, Jungkook." you start pacing around the room, as if trying to find an exit while avoiding his gaze. "This was just a summer fling. That's all it was, I'm supposed to come back to the city in two weeks and-"

"A summer fling?" a sardonic sneer comes out of him. "Oh my God, I can't believe this is happening again..." he mumbles to himself before rising from the bed. You stop immediately, a shiver quaking through you as his impressive frame intimidates His eyebrows are drawn together and his dark eyes are void of any prior emotion. "You're going back to the city in two weeks? And you didn't care to tell me until now, after I just spilled my guts to you?"

You eyes fill up with uncomfortable tears, reaching one arm towards him. "Jung-"

He flinches, taking one step back. "A summer fling is all I mean to you?"

"Ju- "

"Look me in the eyes, right now, and tell me that's all I mean to you. A summer fling." panic crawls up your throat. There's the need within you to confirm, to stare into his beautiful and stern eyes and tell him that, yes, that's all he is to you. But you've never been a good liar. So nothing comes out. You opt for wrapping your ams around yourself wishing they were his and lowering your eyes to the ground. "I think... I think you should leave."

Those are the last words he says to you, and the last thing you see when you turn around one more time after gathering your clothes, is his back as he looks out the window.

You allow yourself to cry the exact moment you step into Chaelin's apartment. Your friend is sitting on the couch, bowl of cereal in hand and a fresh cup of coffee sitting on the livingroom's table.

"Hey, you're early tod- Baby, what's wrong?"

"Please, don't laugh."

That morning, you lay down for hours on the couch with your head on Chaelin's lap while she softly brushes your hair as you cry, hiccup, fight through the pain in your heart and relate to her as best as you can the latest events.

She doesn't laugh at all.

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"She'll come back." Mijoo's slurred words do nothing to put Jungkook's state at ease that night. He simply shrugs, fingers clenching at his sides, frowing into his drink before gulping down the bitter taste of vodka in one shot. "Seriously, I think she's just afraid. My ex was the same."

"Comparing her to your ex is not the analogy you think it is."

"Ugh, shut up. Things didn't work with my ex because she was a bitch." Jungkook gives Mijoo a pointed look which she responds to by rolling her eyes and sipping on her rum coke. "Your girl is not a bitch. She used to be a bitch. What she did this morning was bitchy, but, like I said, she's just being a pussy. If she only wanted sex with you, she wouldn't have been doing couple stuff with you the entire summer."

"Whatever. I don't care." he lies and Mijoo knows he's lying but decides to drop the subject fo now.

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"We can't keep spending our days smoking weed." Chaelin speaks over Blanche's voice on the TV.

"I know. I'm just sad."

"You have to come back and tell him how you feel."

"I know."

There's a beat of silence before your friend kicks your thigh with her feet.

"I know and I will." you mumble through red eyes and smoke clouds.

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It's September first and it doesn't feel like Jungkook's birthday at all. He's been trying to focus on his work, alternating between isolating in full hermit mode and hanging out with friends to drink away his sorrow. The days have gone by and before he could realize it, he woke up today with over twenty text messages wishing him a happy day and a throbbing hangover.

He dresses up on autopilot. First a cotton shirt, then a pair of jeans and lastly, his Nike's. He doesn't bother tying his sneakers just like he doesn't bother taking a shower. He smokes a cigarette for breakfast, the death stick making him feel nauseaus on an empty stomach. And then he goes to work.

He's been repeating the same routing for the past weeks and he's not thinking of changing it, not even on his bithday.

He spends hours drawing, tattooing and drawing some more between yawns. He ignores texts an phone calls and simply waits until the day is over to go home, go to bed and forget about the fact that you're probably on your way to the city and that he hasn't crossed your mind not even once.

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Inkphoria.

You've been standing outside the shop re-reading the word for fifteen minutes, although it definitely feels like it has been longer. You're gripping cup of ice cream as it melts down your fingers the more you wait. The shop is already empty and it's starting to darken out side, and still you're so hot. Your shorts are heavy and your tank top is sticking to your skin. You didn't even bother to put on any make, although your eyebags definitely needed some concieling and your lashes some dimension to hide the fact that you'd been crying for the last few days.

'You're crazy about him.'

Chaelin's voice echoes inside your head.

You've lost count of how many times your best friend has given your advice, or simply encouraged you to do something you've been too scared to try.

'And he's cazy about you too.'

Chaelin might be wrong about marmite and the movie Cats, but she's definitely now wrong about anything regarding your and Jungkook.

That's it. You briefly close your eyes, inhale a deep breath then release it slowly. You start walking. It doesn't take longer than three strides and you're pushing the door open.

The tattoed blonde looks up from the counter the second you come into view. She smiles at the distance between you two. "You can come closer. I won't bite."

You clear your throat, stalking closer to her. "Is he-"

"He's in the back." she replies before you can finish you question. You close your mouth, clear your throat and nod your head.

"Thanks, Mijoo." she gives you a small wink, her smile easing your nerves like she had three months ago.

She watches you disappear. She shakes he head, her smile meeting her eyes. "I told him so."

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Jungkook ignores the knock on his door at first. It's almost ten and the parlor is about to close. He just has to finish this last fucking sketch so he can grab his shit and go the fuck ho-

Knock knock.

He growls, exhasperation cursing through him. He runs a hand through his messy pile of hair, his rings tangling between the strands, making him wince in pain. "Come in." he grunts under his breath. The door opens. "Mijoo, I really have to finish-"

He stops dead in his tracks as soon as he sees you.

"Hey." you say after a moment of hesitation.

"Hey." he replies and although there's something inside, deep in his chest, shouting at him to stand up, run up to you and kiss your face while he tells you how beautiful you look right now and how happy he is to see that you're still here, he decides against it. "Listen, ____, I'm pretty busy-"

"No, you listen to me." you cut him off abruptly. He looks taken aback and is already opening his mouth to say something, but you're not having it. "Please, just... Let me talk."

Silence looms between the two of you for a while, a staring contest defying each other to back down. When you take one step inside and close the door behind you, he sighs and leans back against his chair.

You move towards him slowly, your lip caught between your lip going through your mind for the speech you'd been preparing the last few days. Your hands are sticky due to the the sugary treat liquifying in your hand. "I know there's no reason you should give me another chance after rejecting you in high school, and there's definitely no reason why you should forgive me for the way I shut you out a few weeks ago. You've been confessing your feelings to me since we were teenagers, and now it's my turn to tell you exactly how I feel about you."

"Jungkook, the truth is... I like you so much. I like you more than I've ever liked anyone. Ever. I said this was just a summer fling, and I was lying. I was lying because there's no way a simple summer fling could make me feel the way you do. There's no way a simple summer fling could make me want not just summer with you, but also fall and winter, and spring and every summer that comes next."

You hadn't realize when your eyes filling up with tears until the sight of him starts blurrying in front of you. His fingers reach yours, his thumb comforting on your skin. "____, it's okay-"

"I'm not done yet." you sniffle, gathering enough courage to continue. "I brought you a lemon sherbet because you said it was your favourite. But you also implied I was your favourite, and I want to keep being you favourite, but now it's already melted and-"

The corners of Jungkook's lips start pulling upward as he tugs you towards him, his heart loudly jumping inside his chest. "Shhh, come here."

He takes the ice cream from your hand and places it on his desk. Then he's helping you onto his lap, your head tucked under his chin and your arms wapping on their own around his neck.

He doesn't care about your sticky fingers or the wet stains of your tears in his shirt. The only thing he cares about is the fact that you're right there, letting him engulf your frame and drown in the scent and warmth he'd misses so much.

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The first day of June has Jungkook sweating and wishing for a haircut. Jungkook usually hates summer. He hates the fact that he has to shower at least twice a day, and the fact that the heat is almost unbearable to sleep in and also the fact that he's easily sunburnt.

This year, however, Jungkook likes summer a little bit more.

"Excuse me, miss. Do you have an appointment?" it's the fact that you're starting to wear those summer dresses he loves so much, and the fact that your skin glows under the sun like glitter, and also the fact that he can lick ice cream off of it whenever he desires.

"I am the appointment." your giggle is almost childlike, playing with Jungkook's heart strings. You shut the door behind you, nearing him. You also seem to always have that flush on your cheeks. Although he likes to think part of it is due to him. He doesn't say anything else as he puts his pencil down and instead turns around in the chair to have you immediately on top of his thighs.

Yeah, he also likes the path your lips trace from his cheek, to his jaw, ending at the juncture between his neck and his shoulder. It still makes his body quaver to this day.

"Let me see." he murmurs against you forhear, his hand already working on unbottoning the front of your dress.

"Mijoo hasn't left yet." you whisper back, your smile impossible to supress and the faint whimper impossible to hide when his fingers expose your breast and tug at the titanium barbell adorning the already hardened nub.

Jungkook loves knowing he was the one to do that, and also the only one to play with it. He doesn't hesitate when he dips his head. "As if we'd ever cared about that." he adds, wrapping your sole point in his mouth.

He fucks you on his studio table with your legs around his waist and his tongue playing with both your breasts, the tattoo sketches long forgotten, scattered on the floor as he whispers against your flesh something that sounds a lot like 'I love you'.