#which are chronic and unrelated but it FEELS RELATED RIGHT NOW

[transbrucewayne]

I need to…hough. Uh. I need to sit down. Oh my god. Like this is so tender I feel like I’m intruding…..I wonder if Oscar is looking back at him…if they’re talking or if they’re just there in silence as Oscar gets ready with Mark watching him….HOLY GOD I JUST NOTICED THE WEDDING RING

[fanvoidkeith]

sooooo i may have. spent my day binge watching dungeon meshi and here are my Opinions, having never read the manga ever (very MINOR ANIME SPOILERS ahead! nothing too in-depth but, y'know, for laughs):

laios is my autistic blorbo son boy and i love him and i want him to be happy. go find your sister, dude, but also eat monsters for fun and research reasons. this is the one context where i would say "eat monsters" like... ever

laios is also 1,000 percent a freak for wanting to eat monsters and study them the way he does. absolutely insane man. stop trying to be a martyr, you dumbass, and also stop poisoning yourself. both of these opinions coexist at the same time and i don't know how to feel about it because feelings (and social cues) are difficult

marcille is a lady who is so so SO smart and cool, but has absolutely ZERO street smarts. (babygirl you are JUST like me, except for the whole "being a woman" thing.) she's a "gifted" kid who now has burnout and needs to feel useful or else she feels like a failure constantly kinda girlie. she doesn't want to be abandoned. relatable. i'm concerned at how much i relate to her. stop being so relatable, dammit!!

chilchuck is INCREDIBLY emotionally constipated. lmao. he also has chronic young-forever face, which means he probably gets mistaken for a twelve-to-sixteen-year-old constantly, which... same, dude, same. i've heard (from the manga readers) that he's divorced with several children, but i don't know if that's true. i hope it is. i really want that to be where part of his issues come from. i want more angsty moments with his character. he'll be my new emotional punching bag when i finish all those other unrelated one-shots i'm planning on writing :)

senshi is a sweet man who just wants to feed and protect his new friends. i think food and acts of service are his love languages. he has a really fuckin' strong pot and knife for some reason lmao

i love falin. she's kind of a freak too, but she knows social cues better than her brother from what i can tell. sure hope nothing bad happens to her- oh gods. well, i sure hope nothing ELSE bad happens to her- OH GODS OH FUCK-

uhhhh. i like that the kobolds in this anime are dog-people. i love dogs. dogs are cool. very cute. 12/10 decision honestly

this anime made me so hungry but i still forgot to eat for most of today. rip. the food in dungeon meshi looks goddamn delicious though, so it's fine

sometimes these characters act just like a D&D party would. like. damn. this is just like that ONE TIME in dungeons and dragons when our party did [X action] and then [Y consequences] happened-

oh my goddddddssss there's ECOSYSTEMS IN THE DUNGEONS??? DUDE I LOVE THAT. CRAZY CONCEPT. FUCKING LOVE THAT. ADVENTURERS AND MONSTERS AND CREATURES (and senshi, who is his own category) ARE PART OF AN ECOSYSTEM. I'M CLIMBING UP THE WALLS AND GOING INSANE RN

oooohhhh shit politics. oh shit background politics that our main characters ignored. no wonder they focused on this other party lol

OH SHIT OTHER CHARACTERS FROM THEIR BACKSTORIES RRRRRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

oh yeah i guess this is about whoever gets the big treasure at the bottom of the dungeon or whatever if they defeat the Big Bad or something? okay dude. it's only relevant to me when it's relevant to my New Blorbos honestly. but i WILL jot that down though :eyes emoji:

look. i am NOT calling it "delicious in dungeon". i KNOW that's the creator's intended english translation, but personally i think that title sucks. so DUNGEON MESHI it is, for me personally

PLEASE give me the second season right now i need MORE. i'm slurping up this show like soup and i'm fucking HOMGRY!!!

okay that's it that you for comjng to my ted talk

[placeinthisworld]

just curious what you mean about your idol becoming what she used to sing about? what do you think has changed? no hate just genuinely curious

i feel like over the years her music has become more jaded, less personable more targeted. she used to sing about her experiences and feelings more generally and therefore held more interest bc of the relatability aspect of her songs. like for all the ogs which i may still listen to she had so much intent in the songwriting. like, as a teenager i never went through a breakup (still haven’t?) so i could never relate to her breakup songs in a traditional way- but the way she would write about her feelings would still feel relatable to me enough to help me through different situations.

i feel like now she writes to complete and album. she knows she can bullshit something quick is she’s motivated enough. it feels like midnights was a first draft- like it was never edited and perfected it was just written, recorded and produced. done.

i also feel like her fanbase has a lot to do with it. i think when folklore was released, she had disappeared from the spotlight long enough for the general public to forget why they were so against her to begin with. i think taylor made her dating life a main highlight in her career (whether that was on purpose is another debate), so when she got with joe and went private for a bit the general public weren’t being plastered w ts/ bf gossip and sightings to annoy them and remind them of her “serial dater” reputation. and when folklore came out it was purely about the album and not the relationship that influenced the album bc it was “fictional,” and people needed something fun to transfix on when the world was unpredictable and scary bc of covid- which is why everyone and their mom became a swiftie overnight. nobody speculated about what song was about who (i mean swifties did ofc but it wasn’t a world wide thing- it was just rocking out to august). the internet definitely shifted during this time and it feels like everyone became chronically online.

long story short: i feel like taylor is using her songwriter and platform as a weapon. she knows her fans are weirdly cult like and notoriously known for being bullies on the internet, and that they’ll buy and believe anything she says. i think everyone will be expecting a folklore- likeness to ttpd but i think it’ll be a cheap way of blowing over her relationship with joe and changing the narrative for rep tv. overall it just feels like all of her songwriter is so personal to her life and her relationships it’s not relatable anymore, her words don’t have the impact they once did. everything feels tailored to her life specifically and it’s more of a show for swifties to make pick up easter eggs for clout on the internet. like she knows what she’s doing with ttpd, we all know.

it’s evident in the way she markets herself, it’s evident in the lack of marketing of her albums. she knows her fans will promote it for her. no lead single, no real description of the album or anything. hundreds of dollars of encouraged preorders for something you don’t even know if you’ll like until you buy it. fucked with umg to try to return it if you don’t. fomo if you missed out on an “exclusive” or “limited” item.

also just the whole miss americana thing she’s ignoring. we all heard her. she said she wanted to be on the right side of history. yet here she is politically silent as always- besides that one time in 2020 when she coincidentally had something to release….

(also unrelated….but like the taylor overexposure is real. i love that she’s interested in doing different things but i wish she would prioritize quality over quantity. it feels like she’s rushing through everything to get to the next one. i just wish she would care more about her art than breaking records and being #1/ talked about constantly. it just feels very….narcissistic? like girlie you’re a billionaire and youre still in your early thirties what are you trying to do??? be the first person to sing on the moon like??? when is it Enough for her?)

[mooremarchingmusic]

Okay y'all it's time to rant again.

I just found out that my high school alma mater cut the marching band program, and needless to say I am livid. My most popular post on this blog is about the importance of marching band, but I feel like I need to expand on it; this time, from the perspective of an adult who’s long out of school, watching the real-time crumble of the very thing that brought me to where I am now. 

When I was first begrudgingly pushed into marching by my director, I was a completely different person: skittish of my own shadow, chronically out-of-place, and cripplingly shy. I didn’t have the constitution for sports, and whatever other activities I found myself drawn to either couldn’t break through my hesitant demeanor or had no place for the strange personality they found on the other side. 

But I immediately belonged in marching band. They didn’t mind my reserved nature, and strangeness was something they celebrated. Over the course of a single marching season, I got into good physical shape, dramatically improved my musicality, made more friends than I’d ever had… and most importantly, developed a still-quiet but genuine and unwavering confidence. 

I found myself in marching band. The acceptance and fellowship it offered allowed me to learn who I was, and I brought that into every other aspect of my life. It gave me the courage to continue branching out to find other things I loved, the social skills to finally forge lasting connections with others, the opportunity to discover my own leadership style, and the assuredness to trust myself in walking my own path. 

And if you’re not the type to be convinced by waxing poetic about intangible concepts, maybe you’ll be convinced by the direct impact marching had on my future career. I went into writing, and even well-meaning family members told me not to focus so much on marching band when it didn’t have any relation to the type of work I was pursuing. At least until the local newspaper hired me for high school practicum because they wanted me to write about band. In turn, that led to a performing arts beat job in college, which then led to an internship with Halftime Magazine: writing (about the marching arts!) on a national level at 19 years old. Marching band jump-started a completely unrelated career with opportunities that I wouldn’t have otherwise had, and that’s not even taking into account the passion and community that gave me such an important thing to write about in the first place. 

I acknowledge that my life right now is the product of many intersecting circumstances, but it’s an undeniable reality that I would not be who I am without marching band. 

That’s why it kills me to see this happening. It’s not just my old high school cutting the marching band. The little drum corps that I joined one summer folded in its first season due to a lack of funding or support from much of anywhere. The second college I attended removed the marching band from the pregame show a couple years ago, and the last time I went to an alumni event there, they were constantly cutting the band off during pep tunes in favor of playing Top 40 songs on the loudspeaker. 

Seemingly more than ever, the marching arts are being sidelined and it pisses me off. 

It’s been proven, over and over, for decades upon decades, that music education is invaluable to kids’ development and success. Schools with access to music education have an average attendance rate of 93.3%, compared to 84.9% in schools without it; and music students have an estimated 90.2% high school graduation rate compared to 72.9% of non-music students. Band members trend 87.6% to be in the top ten percent of their graduating class, and 94.9% of valedictorians and salutatorians participate in music education. Music students in America attend college at a rate of 86.4% — the highest rate of any discipline — and have a collegiate graduation rate of 88.4% compared to the national graduation rate of 60.4%. Band members have the lowest levels of current/lifelong use of alcohol, tobacco, and illicit drugs of any group. They have higher rates of brain development, critical thinking skills, motor capacities, and camaraderie; while having lower rates of bullying, racism, and disciplinary infractions. [x] [x] [x]

Don’t get me wrong, I recognize that sports are life-changing for kids. We all know that. There are umpteen billion studies and marketing campaigns and feel-good movies about how sports can turn someone’s life around. But the arts do the exact same thing, not just for kids who don’t have athletic inclinations, but for all kids who benefit from the cognitive, social, and cultural advantages that music introduces to their lives. 

When you bend over backwards to continue funding athletics but cut arts programs without a second thought, what you’re really doing is looking at a group of kids — intelligent, talented, promising kids — and telling them that their futures are less important than someone else’s. You’re telling them that their passions and pursuits are inconsequential. You’re ripping potentially life-changing opportunities from them because of arbitrary and completely false narratives that the arts somehow have less impact than athletics, just because they don't bring in as much money and aren't as glorified and exciting on TV.  

Funding is an almost universal issue for public schools, and I know it’s complicated to navigate. But I see no reason why budget cuts can’t be split up and applied equally to all programs, giving all students the opportunity to learn how to fundraise, work together in the face of setbacks, and come up with creative solutions to make their collective dreams a reality. I will never understand the decision to instead single out particular groups of kids, and I cannot fathom the sort of closed-minded, backwards thinking that causes arts programs to be the first to go. 

In more ways than one, marching band took a timid, directionless wallflower and catapulted her into a confident, successful, and fulfilling adulthood; and I will defend music education for as long as it takes to ensure that the generations who come after me get that same chance. 

[autisticgirliesbracket]

What makes Asa Mitaka from Chainsaw Man the autistic girlie ever of all time? Here's what the people have to say:

Asa-related asks/reblogs: x This post will be updated after each round!

Image ID in alt text and under the readmore.

[Image ID. White slide with a manga panel of Asa in the top right corner, she has been edited to be wearing a blue cap with the words "Please be patient I have autism" printed on the front. She is surrounded by text boxes which read,

"Goes to the aquarium with a guy and infodumps about sea anemonies."

"I kin her unironically. Unbelievable social awkward. Goes to an aquarium date where she spends the entire time explaining facts about the Animals fully in an attempt to impress her date. She must be avenged from the ADHD vs Autism bracket. Is isolated from her peers. Chronically lonely but won't open up to anyone(not sure if that's an Autism thing or just a personal problem probably a combination of both) Have you read the Manga?"

"has a VERY hard time with social interaction"

"She is absolutely baffled by everything + doesn't get most things at first"

"there's an extended scene where she flirts with a boy by lecturing him about sea anemone life cycles, breeding patterns, and other extended trivia. the whole time she is thinking to herself "he must be falling in love with me right about now. this is an irresistible date." "

"Literally infodumps to the boy shes on a date with for like 3 straight pages and then goes "i'm so alluring. he definetely wants me now" "

"from the scene that was all over tumblr where she infodumps about starfish on an aquarium date and considers this her Ultimate Seduction Technique. a guy on reddit literally got diagnosed because he could relate to her. it's awesome"

"Tried to impress a guy on a date by monologuing starfish facts about him, was genuinely astonished that that didn't drive him wild with desire. Also she's sharing her body with a horsewoman of the apocalypse but that's unrelated."

"If her long-winded rant about sea creatures as an attempt to seduce someone wasn't enough, then a lot of her trauma is based around being ostracized for being weird and quiet. She doesn't understand people but wants companionship anyways, even if shes also afraid of it."

"She feels disconnected to her peers. She literally infodumps while on a date for thirty minutes about starfish. She doesn't see this as a social faux pas, but rather something any sane person would do. (Basically, doesn't realize this is abnormal.) She misses social cues frequently. She feels below average empathy, I'd say. Asa also said she wanted to die after embarrassing herself in public. That doesn't mean she's autistic or anything, but I'm autistic and I do it a lot. Also, I'm autistic and I relate to her, so she kind of has a peer reviewed diagnosis by me lol."

"Socially awkward and prone to info dumping."

"shes cringe fail and has no idea what shes doing ever i love her so much (shes just like me fr"

"I’m sure you’ve seen her failgirl cringe aquarium infordump that she’s sure will charm any boy (note: fails to charm the world’s loosest teenage boy.) She sucks at a lot of social stuff but also doesn’t get why and just thinks she’s wrong or cursed or smth. Likes animals over people. Doesn’t have a single friend until another loner who happens to be more extroverted basically adopts her as her friend."

"1) thought lecturing her date about sea creatures for like 30 minutes each would impress him and make him like her and was confused when he wasn’t into it (I would be into it tho it’s ok bby he just has adhd). 2) had the date planned out to the MINUTE and told the poor guy to shut up when he wanted to do something different. Literally a formula for how to have fun and she thought it was foolproof. 3) encyclopedic knowledge of sea creatures either points to a special interest and/or she just decided to research all that shit the night before for the date (she did say she went to the library in preparation), either way. tism I love her I’m rotating her in my brain" End ID.]

[doubleca5t]

I made the mistake to browse a subreddit related to /tttt/ and now I can't cancel "sweaty, you are a gigahon repressor" from my mind. I need to share this with someone, because it don't even make me feel like shit (actually a little), cause it sounds very funny and chronically online.

Oh yeah those communities are the worst. It's a really awful combination of unrelenting self-hatred with fraternizing with far right assholes that produces people who are absolutely impossible to have a normal conversation with, to which the natural response is a complex blend of contempt and pity

[zorilleerrant]

in honor of disability pride month, some batkid disability headcanons for everyone (leaving out the PTSD. we know they all have PTSD.):

Dick:

ADHD (worse since the head injury)

dyslexia

night terrors

there’s part of his leg that he injured too many times in the same place, and he just can’t feel it anymore. it’s not paralyzed but all the sensations in his lower leg are just haywire

Babs:

I’m strongly of the opinion that her mobility is wildly variable; she still uses the chair most days and relies more on upper than lower body strength even when she doesn’t. her suits have built-in mobility aids to help her move her legs the way she wants

OCD. started Oracle as a coping mechanism

chronic back pain, chronic leg pain since her surgery

maladaptive daydreamer, but it’s unrelated to any of the rest of her neurodivergence so it freaks her out a little

Jason:

limited range of motion in his back, arms, and neck

chronic pain. used to be localized to the same place before the Pit, but now it’s kind of everywhere

anxiety of multiple flavors

part of his forehead is paralyzed, where the white streak is. not usually an issue, but sometimes he has trouble telling he’s injured

hearing loss - allover, but more in the upper range of his hearing. he can hear extremely high pitched sounds though, which unfortunately are also a type of sounds to give him panic attacks

vivid hallucinations: auditory, visual, and tactile

alcohol addiction

claustrophobia

because of the Pit, his tolerance to heat and cold has gone up, but his sensitivity to them has gone down, so even when it’s outside his range of tolerance he doesn’t notice and has to set alerts to remind himself

sleep paralysis

Tim:

insomnia. often leads to sleep deprivation psychosis

GAD. magical thinking related to this means he’s unable to reference certain topics out loud or written

phobia of horses

extremely touchy immune system, pretty much constantly sick. no one’s sure if he has low grade asthma or just another cold

Steph:

some kind of stomach problem that she figures isn’t actually a problem because she mostly eats fairly processed foods anyway, but it sometimes means she feels sick and can’t eat enough

extremely sensitive skin. constantly gets rashes if she wears the wrong clothes. subsequently afraid to change soaps etc.

but everyone can’t move their pinkies, right? I mean everyone can’t move their pinky toes, it’s the same, right?

memory problems of ambiguous nature

Cass:

trouble talking, yes, but actually has selective mutism on top of that. it takes a while for anyone to work that out

chronic pain, especially in her joints

hypermobility from all her training as a kid, which has also led to some of her bones not fusing like they should

ASPD. her extreme low empathy leads to her highly detailed ability to read expressions and body language, but also her difficulty in making the shift from acquaintance to friend

extremely low self-esteem and anxiety related to how people perceive sociopaths in society

lactose intolerant

Duke:

bad enough tree nut allergy he constantly carries an epipen

visual impairment he unconsciously compensates for using his powers, so hasn’t been discovered yet

sensitivity and lowered flexibility of one of his ankles, from when he broke his ankle as a kid

Damian:

every kind of attachment disorder ever proposed

hyperempathy, leading to difficulty in decision-making, impulsivity, trouble forming friendships, and love for pets

chronic pain in his spine, accompanied by loss of movement caused by the inflammation. sometimes uses a wheelchair

unrelated chronic pain in his hands and feet from repeated childhood punishments. exacerbated by carpal tunnel

phobia of snakes

fear of poison(ing) which would also be classified as a phobia except that it’s a trauma response

depression

extreme sensitivity to bright light, partial blindness caused by being raised mostly in low light environments

numerous food sensitivities and inability to deal with certain textures. very reluctant to try new foods

dyscalculia

[aritany]

I'm inspired to write, but words don’t come out. Even I know what scenes I’ll write. It’s been a year of taking a break from writing. :c

hey, anon. this is a really tough spot to be in and i sympathize. we all have dry periods, and as tough as it is to admit, that's part of the creative process.

however, when it's been stretching on for so long that it starts to feel a little bit like despair, then it becomes important to address it and see what you can do to help yourself out.

How To Escape Writer's Block

what i would suggest is to walk yourself through these questions. if the answer to any of is 'no', take the necessary steps to make them 'yes'. usually when i do this, the gears kick back into place before i've even made it all the way down the list.

so, in order of importance:

1. are you sure you're not just burnt out?

this can happen when you have been working hard in any area of your life and can affect your writing even if you haven't burnt yourself out with writing.

if you're burnt out, the cure is time and giving yourself grace. it's ok, you'll get your spark back. i recommend consuming a lot of media you love to get your charge back.

2. are you physically taking care of yourself?

sometimes we get to the keyboard and we are exhausted, hungry, dehydrated, etc without even realizing it (especially if you're neurodivergent like i am and can disconnect from your body pretty easily!! y'all, don't procrastinate eating and drinking and going to the bathroom. don't do that).

take care of those issues before you try writing. i highly recommend youfeellikeshit.com, which guides you through a questionnaire to help you figure out why you feel gross.

3. do you have a regular writing practice?

sometimes you can be not burnt out and physically fine and you just can't seem to write anything when you get a spare moment to.

i highly recommend setting a super super low goal (50-100 words) to hit daily, whether it's for a single project or just overall for whatever you're writing (i do the second one) and then making sure you get to your notebook or your computer or your typewriter or your phone or whatever you use to write and making it happen.

brains are silly and sometimes need training. finding a routine that words for you can do wonders for opening the word floodgates.

4. are you excited about the project you're trying to work on?

simple question. easy answer. sometimes we get caught up writing what we feel like we're "supposed" to be writing. enough with that bullshit. write what you love. write about something that makes you so excited it distracts you from your real life on occasion. write about the thing you daydream about. you can worry about marketability and all that later. this is just about getting the words out of your head and somewhere you can look at them.

yes, this is permission to write that super self indulgent thing. i wrote an extremely self indulgent book and it's being published by a big 5 publisher so like. do it.

5. have you tried writing something unrelated just to get words flowing?

you've made it through the questionnaire and you still draw a blank when you get to your desk/couch/bed/ground/haunted cave/office. it's time to wiggle your pencil. it's time to write literally everything that crosses your brain until you are typing or writing words and making them happen. they don't have to make sense. they don't have to be remotely related to your project. they are just words to get your word-making muscles working. it sounds stupid. try it tho

that's about it for my advice! one note that is essential, though:

if you are ill in any way, mentally or physically, do not beat yourself up if writing doesn't happen. it can be really discouraging to try and write through chronic pain or mental illness, but just know that you are not alone.

it's okay if it's not happening right now. you'll get there. you will have good days. putting pressure on yourself to write isn't going to help you.

remember that writing is fun and unless it is your job/career, you are under no obligation to anyone but yourself, and you're also the only one who can give yourself grace and permission to just be.

for all writers struggling with mental/physical illness and seasonal depression as we approach fall (and the dreaded month of november that is usually either horribly overwhelming or full of FOMO), reach out to your other writer friends. chances are, somebody else gets it. it's always easier to go through it with somebody who understands.

i believe in all of you.

[astormyjet]

Winter of 2018 - Summer of 2021 TIME FILES WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR 20s!!!!

OH BOY. It’s been three years (or more) since I updated this. “Time is a weird soup!” to quote a fave. I guess I quit tumblr around the time there was a purge of content and creators and a smack down on a lot of the fandom communities. Tumblr has always been something of a crapshow though so I’ve been more productive with my time than I was in some ways, but I’ve also found other ways to waste my time. *cough twitter/netflix/youtube/MTGArena cough*.

General Life Achievements since 2018 -JLPT N3 GET in 2019! -Blackbelt GET in 2018! -TESOL 120 Hour and BE 50 Hour Cert from online provider GET in 2021 -STUDENT LOAN BANISHED (Thank you grandparents) -Survived Apartment flooding in early 2020. -Mystery anxiety related illness and chronic pain in my left leg from early 2020 - Present. -A mythical 6th and 7th year on the JET Programme. -Started posting on Instagram a lot more about my wanderings around Matsuyama/Uwajima. Mainly old buildings and stray cats. @astormyknight -Surviving so far in Japan with old rona-chan.

2018 was rough. I was given an additional school in the first semester (March to July) as we had someone find a better job. I enjoyed it, but it was a bit of a rough go especially when I was transferred that August after three fantastic years at Tsubaki JHS and ES and only a semester there. I legit went through the five stages of grief - which I think is another reason I stopped blogging. I was given my current base school along with four other schools. Going from 2(3) to 5 schools was a bit of an adjustment. I still feel a bit spread out.

That said, I keep running into teachers and students who were at the Tsubaki’s. The teachers shuffle around every April, so it's always a lottery with which new faces are going to be old friends (or enemies…). A couple of kids moved and transferred into my current schools from Tsubaki too. So I have one kid I can say I've been teaching for 6 out of the 7 years I've been here!

One of the kids who was in JHS 3rd grade when I first got here (in 2015!) hangs out around one of my favorite cafes, so I got chatting with him recently. He's in his second year of nursing school - his class nearly broke me in the first year, it was really a trial by fire with those kids. I was 22 then, and he’s 20 now, so it was interesting chatting to him about that first year of teaching. His younger sister was one of my favorite students too, she was in the group of kids that graduated in the March of 2018, the year group that went through Tsubaki JHS with me - they’re newly minted University students now!

This Thursday morning when I was cycling in to work, a kid who was 2nd year JHS when I left  (so 2nd or 3rd year JHS now) pulled up with their Mum in a van and got their mamachari out of the back to bike to school. The franticness of it all was hilarious. Their Mum legit sat on the horn until I pulled over. I was so happy to run into this kid, even at social distance and both of us late to work/school - because we both remembered each other and as they were going around the corners they were yelling each time they turned and humming the old elementary school directions chant and pelting me with questions about what I’ve been up to.

I've had so many students and schools now, that everything is kind of running into a blur. I remember flashes of kids faces and voices, random memories of in class or out of class shenanigans out of the blue. Also, I now, more than ever, have issues remembering kids' names, but I still know their faces (even with their masks), whose homeroom class they were in, who their friends were and which club they were in. I get random flashbacks to past conversations with them when I see them on the street or we run into each other. I feel bad because the first thing former students ask is ‘Do you remember my name?’ and I always have to be like, ‘Honestly, no, but I remember you did this on x day, x month in x classroom’.

Socially in 2018 -2019 - a few of our friends went home and things shook up a little. Our DnD group changed a bit - one of our players stepped into the role forever DM (THANK YOU RALPH). From memory the newbies were great - some of them just went home at the start of last month and it’s weird not seeing them around (JESS DO YOUR BEST!). I think we only have one or two people left from that rotation. There’s no 6th year ALTs, and only two 5th years.

Aug 2018 - Aug 2019 was the year of Hiura - my mountain school. Dang man, they were so cool. The students of the JHS and the ES combined barely hit 30, so each class was between 3-10 students depending on the grade. It was easier to get to know the kids, their abilities and their goals than it has been for me at other schools. I miss it so bad, being in nature once a week did my country-kid heart so good! The bugs! The frogs! The river! The mountain! The monkeys! The lizards! The dilapidated houses and hidden shrines!!!! The random crabs in the English room...I forgot that there was such a thing as freshwater crabs, and being right next to a river, the invasion wasn’t as out of place as I first thought...  

The area is so picturesque and calming. Every week up there was a small adventure (after getting over my motion sickness from the bus ride up). The kids were constantly pranking either myself or the main English teacher. There was always some new weird bug or lizard in a tank to be educated about. There were chickens on the way to the JHS that used to escape from their cardboard box prisons to run riot on the gardens. There were old people to freak out with my youth and foreignness! The kids also got to do a lot of extra classes, sumiyakai (making charcoal the traditional way), planting and maintaining rice paddies, setting up vegetable gardens, raising fireflies, conserving a special breed of fire lily (only found in this particular mountain valley) and another rare flower, wilderness training ect.

I wish I could have stayed there a lot longer but SOMEONE (read...the BoE) decided that schools had to be shuffled again(thank goodness the dude who has it now was able to keep it from the 2021 shuffle, he's the best fit for the school). I had so many good memories from there, I wish I had been more consistent in writing it down. I do have a bunch of photos and videos from there though, so that's nice. The only thing I don’t miss is the bus trip up and down - not only was it motion sickness, there was a healthy dose of fear each ride as the driver brought us perilously close to the edge of the mountain drop…

2019 - 2020 was interesting. With the school I got given instead of the Hirua’s I was roped into more demonstration lessons which was a lot of pressure because I was also involved quite heavily with the JHS observation and training lessons too. They were somewhat rewarding, the third graders are now super smart 5th graders, but the teachers  who need to embrace the new curriculum and ways of teaching really haven’t taken on anything from the lessons....

Outside of work as well, I was given the chance, thanks to an ALT buddy of mine, to join in with the local festival. It's been one of the biggest highlights of my time here, and I am gutted it’s been cancelled for the last two years, but I understand the reason…. I was able to travel to Okinawa too during that summer for an international Karate seminar with the Dojo I train with. I met the head of the style I currently practice and a bunch of people from around the world. I also got to see Shuri castle before it burned down. So that was a stroke of luck. One of the places I want to go when/if we get out of this pandemic is Okinawa. I want to see more of those Islands so bad. Just before the whole pandemic thing too - I managed to see the Rugby World Cup, a Canada vs NZ match, I even ran into Tana Umanga in Oita city!!!

2019 - 2020 was supposed to be my last year on JET, so I was frantically Job hunting. I went to the Career Fair in Osaka in early Feb/Late January 2020. I applied and got interviewed for a position in Sendai in early Jan 2020. In the end though - the Rona hit. We started hearing whispers of it around the end of 2019, then the cruise boats happened, and then Japan refused to cancel the Olympics...every holiday season there is a new wave of infections, my nurse friends in Tokyo are struggling....my teacher friends in more populous areas of Japan are struggling…

JET couldn't get new ALTs for 2020-2021, I took the extra year when it was eventually offered, as the one job I had managed to get a serious offer for was hesitating because with the rona setting in, things were uncertain. There was a lot of time spent adjusting to the new rules surrounding what we could do in class with the kids as well as textbook change. Schools shut on and off during the spring months. 

I also got a reminder of my mortality mid May with an unrelated illness which is still smacking me around a bit - stress/age, it does things to the human body it has no right to. It's only been in the last three months I’ve been able to exercise like I used to, I’ve put on a bunch of weight I can't shrug off (one part medication, another part diet) My relationship with food needs to change, and I really need a kitchen that allows me for more than one pan meals. I also need to figure out what to do with a left leg that is in constant pain from the knee down and a heart that misses beats when stressed out (mentally and physically…). 

My apartment also got flooded by the guy upstairs at one point, I spent most of late February/early March living in a hotel while my walls and floor got redone - I think this was one of the things that really stressed me out and kicked my anxiety right up a notch, it was right when things were getting REALLY bad with rona-chan in Hokkaido and schools were shutting down here as it was filtering into the prefecture and so Japan closed schools for the first time…

Classes in covid times have been weird. We’ve been wearing facemasks full time since the early stages of the pandemic (March 2020) - so I admit that I get a bit pissed off seeing both Americans and New Zealanders back home bitching about just having to start wearing them full time in public. I have asthma and have been suffering with the things on during the 30*C plus with high 90s humidity summers. Teachers were offered vaccines late July 2021, just days before the Olympics were open - and I finished my two shots in the middle of August. But the overall distribution and take up of the jab has been slow.  As mentioned above, we can't play a lot of the games we used to play with kids in classes anymore, and a lot of the activities outlined in the textbook curriculum need to be adjusted too, so we’ve had to be creative. We use hand sanitizer a lot more too. One of the things I miss the most though, is eating lunch with the kids.

Socially from summer 2020 - now 2021 we played a lot of DnD and board games, both online and in person when we could. There were no new ALTs again for the 2021-2022 JET year, and those of us who were in 6th year were offered a 7th. Four out of six of us took it. As a whole we’re down from a peak of 38 ALTs for Junior High and Elementary school to 22 for now. We hopefully will get a new person at the end of September, and 4 more in November. Which will bring us to 27. This has led to ANOTHER round of school shuffles.

Summer vacation has been weird the last two years. With rona-chan, we haven’t really been able to travel. All the summer festivals (all the Autumn and Winter ones too!) have been cancelled, so the changing of seasons just feels, wrong. I dunno. There is so much we all miss from pre-rona-chan, and so much that doesn’t happen that makes this just feel like one long long unending year of sadness, coldness, raininess, unbearable heat and repeat. I’m tired. Time is going so fast, but so.dang.slow.

I lost my favorite school (AGAIN GDI!!!) and gained the school I taught a semester at in 2019....I had my first day there on Wednesday. Schools actually started back on September 1st so there was some drama as the BoE didn’t communicate fast enough about our school changes. We legit got told on the 27th of August (on a Friday) our schools were changing effective September 1st, but somehow some of our schools found out on the Monday 30th August. In July we were told we would be changing schools at the end of September, so.a lot of ALTs and schools were left short changed, not having opportunities to say goodbye to co-workers or students/having their planning for the semester more or less thrown out the window too. I love my job. I really dislike the way the BoE treats us, the Japanese assistant language teachers and our schools.

The new school I have is used to having an ALT there twice a week, who plans all the lessons and executes them. I’m at three elementary schools. I'm only at each once a week, I want to plan, but being that I miss an entire lesson in between visits, it's going to be difficult to do so. Not impossible, but being that I'm already doing it for two other schools, who are at two different places in the textbook ah…….. From what I have talked to my new supervisor about though, it sounds like the teachers have taken on more of the lesson planning and I'll be able to contribute ideas when I'm there. I just want to and wish I could do more without being confused all the time. (This is all usually done in my second language too, not in English so extra levels of confusion and miscommunication abound).

 I feel like this at my JHS too a lot of the time. I want to contribute more, but even with constant communication with my main in school supervisor (who is a badass and pretty much on the same page about everything with me) I still feel about as useful as tits on a bull. Especially now that classes have been cancelled and or shortened, there's less time to do stuff. Any game or activity I plan is usually cut in favor of making up time in the textbook. When I'm in class, I'm back to being a tape recorder, the fun police and general nuisance.　

Also in the last week...my two of my schools were  shut due to students testing positive for the rona. This is the second time my schools have had a scare in the last 8 months. And by shut, I mean the students were all at home, but the teachers  all had to come into the office. Because why not I guess….. I mean,  the cases increasing is really not unexpected with the amount of people who were travelling over obon and the increase of cases due to the Olympics/Japan being slow on vaccinating/delta being the dominant strain/Japan's leaders doing relatively little except asking shops and restaurants to limit people coming in at one time and closing before 8pm. I know my schools weren't the only one shut either - but still High Schools were having their sports days this week. I kept on seeing groups of kids hanging in the park after, so that was a little bit nerve wracking.

It's just frustrating - we’ve been on half days to “minimize the risk of infection” for kids and teachers, as if only being at school from 8am through to 1pm is going to reduce the risk.  My schools have only just started testing out Microsoft teams and Zoom lesson equipment. Thankfully our school’s run in this time was contained real quick, the family was super good about informing us when they got their results back, and the fact they needed to be tested. The homeroom teacher and the students from the same class were the only ones tested, and they all came back clear, which was nice. But the information came back so SLOW. 

I’m a little irritated because I found out on Wednesday night what was going on, and even if I am vaccinated, I am super worried that I will end up being the covid monkey due to being at different schools three days out of five. I think other than being worried that I will catch it myself and get real sick, my biggest fear is that I will be protected from bad symptoms from the vaccine, but still be able to pass it onto some of my more vulnerable friends and students. The whole thing is a mess.  

Other than Covid and BoE drama, life is good. I’ve had a couple of other big changes - both fantastic and not so great, but yeah.  I have my health (and health insurance!) for now. I have a job, for now. I have a sense of existential dread for the next 12 months, but we’ll see where we end up. Life post JET is going to be way less cushy and I am TERRIFIED. I mean, I have a BA in Eng/Ling and no idea what to do with it…..because I am NOT suited for academia.

TLDR: Love my job. Don’t like the system. What is life? Future scary. 

[wersoverytired]

Watching the Supernatural finale hours after almost dying is, well. Different.

I cannot stress this enough: MAJOR triggers for frank discussion of a recent suicide attempt (no, not because SPN ended). Steer clear if this might hit too close to home. I'm no longer at risk, this happened a while ago and is over, and my care manager is aware.

Right, and spoilers for the series finale.

_____ _____ _____

I'm old enough to have been a fan of SPN since 2005. And considering the fact that childhood abuse had me suicidal at around age 12, probably earlier, it's safe to say that I have never watched the show without that constant battle going on in the background, unrelated.

When Dean said he was tired, that he was done, I got it. When Sam asked in that abandoned chapel what the upside was to him being alive, or when he confided in his brother in a hotel hallway that he had always felt unclean somehow, I could relate. There was more to the show than that, of course -- the love, the loyalty, the humor -- but the struggle was another point of connection.

As both the show and I grew long in the tooth, and my life circumstances were progressive getting worse (as they sometimes do when you carry untreated trauma), I used SPN and the fandom as a comfort. And increasingly, living to see how the Winchester story ends became one of those grappling hooks you latch on to when you look for reasons to keep going just a little longer.

Naturally, that didn't (and couldn't) arm me against the waves of acute, hope-obliterating, soul-sucking despair that can routinely crash on your head when you're dealing with poverty, chronic physical illness and disability -- and in a harsh country, too -- as well as being severely post traumatic and dissociative. Saving me was never the show's job, nor should it have been. I used it as much as I could, though.

The more I felt like I had to die, the more I tried. Dying hardly ever comes naturally, not even when you feel like there's no other way. Painfully isolated and increasingly bedridden, I watched convention panels and smiled so hard my face hurt. Other times I cried. And I made online friends, often through the fandom, who made life less empty. Who loved and laughed and cried with me from afar. It's hard to overstate the effect that can have when you're trapped in a body that's pretty much your cage, with a mind that's wounded and struggling.

I kept fighting. But I also kept finding myself, over and over again, faced with the reality that most people who are deeply traumatized, certainly those who are also severely dissociative, get to know early on: the world excels at letting many of us know that there's no place for us. Fighting hard to survive with about 10% of what I need to live, I sometimes find it hard not to listen to that toxic message that many survivors and disabled folks hear and feel coming at them over and over: you're too broken to justify the cost and effort of keeping you alive.

It's been an especially hard couple of years in that sense. And as the finale was months, then weeks, then days away, I kept telling myself to wait. Wait for that. Decide later. "Deciding later" is a survival technique I've been using for decades now whenever I get actively suicidal. It's not a bad one.

So that very last Thursday evening (or very late night, where I live) came around. And it so happens that I was at the very end of my rope. Again, for unrelated reasons to the show ending, obviously. And I couldn't go on.

The finale was hours away, and off I went on that same journey. Wait. Wait just long enough to see how it ends. It's been 15 years. You've survived so far, and that bit of closure, at least, is within reach. Just fucking wait to watch that last episode; see how they go before you do. Let that be the one last kind thing you do for yourself.

I kept telling myself that even as I numbly went through my final checklist.

I know it hurts so much. I know this damn body is tortured beyond what you can stand, I know we've been told it's about to get even worse. And hours more of this seem like an eternity. Watching anything seems impossible. I know the PTSD is intolerable, I know you can't sleep, you live in constant fear and rage and exhaustion; I know you're alone in this.

I know you live in a place that has made its peace with people like you dying of Covid, and finds it a small price to pay for refusing to wear masks. I know how that makes you feel, to be told that your life is worth that little because you're disabled. I know 9 months of what amounts to house arrest, while living alone, have made everything so much worse. I know you just want to go.

But wait to watch how it ends. And decide later. You can go later. You can.

And I almost made it. I mean, I'm obviously still here, so I eventually survived. But I tried not to. I couldn't wait.

Sometimes, when you get to the lowest low point, when you are in all-encompassing agony, when your circumstances leave no room for hope even though you desperately want to live -- and I do, I so want to live -- no show, no fandom, no unfinished story can keep you from taking that step over the edge. Many times it can, but there are places where nothing has any meaning. Thursday night became one of those. Watching the finale was a faded notion in the background of all that agony, and then it was nothing at all.

I only managed to write one goodbye letter. Hard to be as organized as you imagined you would be, hard not to leave unforgivable loose ends. I have no memory of what the letter said, and I can't look at it, not yet. It's tucked away now, just out of view.

And then I went about doing the only thing that I felt could be done.

I didn't get to go away. Both because I couldn't stand the torment of the only method I had handy, though I sure gave it my best efforts -- two more minutes would have sealed the deal -- and because I was fucking afraid to die. All the way through, until I gave up and stopped what I was doing.

Fear of dying when you're your own executioner is an odd thing. Your body wants out of this plan you've made for you both. It responds like you'd expect when someone's life in under threat. It makes you have to run to the bathroom over and over, it makes your heart hammer in your chest and your ears ring.

There was no crying. Not at that point. I don't think there was crying when I gave up and accepted that I was staying alive, either. But I can't remember.

I don't know what I did during the few hours after that. The physical consequences of what I did were gone within half an hour or so -- being so ill, I knew not to try something that would land me in the ER during COVID, should I not complete the plan. I'd also be on my own there, and most likely dissociated to such a degree that I wouldn't be able to move or speak. That's not something I ever wanted to experience again, and a fucking horrible starting point if I survived.

Anyway, I was okay physically soon enough, which is not how it usually goes. I just remember being fuzzy and distant and alone. There was no one to call, and I also thought about how it would feel to get a call like that. I considered a crisis hotline, but didn't have the energy to explain my messy, complicated circumstances. I probably just lay there.

A few hours later, I was present enough to watch the finale. Still don't know how. Dissociation has it occasional advantages, one of which is being disconnected from certain things when it's all too much. And so I watched the final episode in bed, with the aftermath of that suicide attempt still all around me.

I watched Dean die the way he did. I watched Sam die. I watched them both being given the pained, tearful reassurance that it was okay to go. Watched them being held, watched those two strong, kindhearted, emotional, loyal men crying as they breathed their last. Dean's death, especially, broke my heart. He so clearly did not want to die. Was afraid, more than ever before.

I did cry then. I sobbed. I could cry for them. Hell, I could cry for that dog, wandering with Sam through the empty halls of the bunker. I cried as that dog looked up, with all that trust and love, at the only human he had left. I cried for Sam, sitting drained and aching in the dark library. Saying "I know, me too" on the unmade bed in Dean's cold, empty room.

Before that, back in the barn, I watched Dean not want to go. Sam begging him not to go, then forcing himself to tell his older brother what he needed, what he begged to hear. That he wasn't abandoning the one person he had spent his life looking out for. That Sam would survive him going, now that he had to go.

I never saved the world, and there's nothing heroic about me. But so much of what went on around those characters' deaths echoed what I had felt hours earlier, what I still was feeling. It gave me a safe way to cry for that, too.

I will always be grateful to the show for that small mercy. And grateful to Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki, whom I've never met and never will, and have given such phenomenal performances here that they reached through all that distance, to unknowingly touch an ache that I could not cry for. They'll never know that. I imagine there are so many people like me who feel the same gratefulness, too, for their own similar moments of human connection.

The show is over now, and I try not to be sad about that, and I'm sure I will be. It would be sadder if I didn't feel a loss. Meanwhile, life doesn't stall just because you tried to stop your own. It's around two weeks later now, bright and loud outside my window in a world that's not safe for me to go out in, and I am lying in bed in a half-lit room trying to manage my pain. I didn't die. I'm still here.

I can't pretend I'm glad that I am, but I also know that I'm not ready to go yet. I'm just not. I have no good reason for that; sometimes you're just too afraid to die. And so I can't see myself trying to go away again any time soon. My health might take care of that for me anyway, but otherwise, looks like I'm stuck on this ride.

I'm very grateful that I've had SPN and its people for so long through this battle, to give me and the rest of the fandom so much more than meets the eye. And I'm grateful for that last, good cry, too.

Well, not the last cry, for sure. There's always rewatch #475783. 

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

My personal connection with Taylor’s discography, part eleven: Happiness

Basically this is just a series I’m doing where I write down my feelings on what each of the Taylor songs means to me personally on a line to line basis both for my own sake to have it somewhere and for anyone who wants to know anything further about me.

So with that in mind, let’s get started.

Happiness

So much like the majority of Evermore and Folklore, Happiness reminds me of my family and the trauma of losing them which I’m trying to move past. Particularly, Happiness is the connecting point of the progress I’ve made moving forth and the reality that there’s still a long way to go and wishing I was further along the recovery road.

 Honey, when I'm above the trees I see this for what it is

I feel like this lyric is pretty much what it’s like on ‘good’ days. Like when I have removed myself enough from the situation and pain, I can rationalise to myself that what happened to my family wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was just a bunch of well meaning people who made choices they thought were for the best but ultimately did more harm than good. I can also acknowledge that what happened was probably for the best and that while I’m in pain now, it probably would have been worse otherwise.

But now I'm right down in it, all the years I've given is just shit we're dividin' up

But most days aren’t ‘good’ days. Most days, it feels inescapable that I gave between 16 to 23 years to these people that were meant to love me unconditionally for my whole lifetime just for them to decide that what we had wasn’t worth sticking around for. Most days, I can’t move past the bitterness that I have knowing that I feel like I’ve wasted my life because genuinely lived my life as a mirrorball and gave my all to make these people happy and keep us together just for it all to fall apart anyway.

Showed you all of my hiding spots

I’ve always been an oversharer that kept her heart on her sleeve. I genuinely feel like I showed my family, and especially my immediate family, every version of myself. My highs, my lows, my strengths, my weaknesses, my likes and dislikes; I showed it all.

I was dancing when the music stopped

I’ve mentioned this a few times in this project, but despite the issues my family had, I really fucking believed we’d get out of this okay and that the others wanted to. And I wore rose coloured glasses as things were ending and people were showing their true colours because I wanted so badly to believe that it was just a bad fight and once things cooled down, everyone would pitch in to fix things. So when it finally hit that none of them truly wanted to fix things, I realised that the music had stopped years beforehand and I had just been living in my own fantasy world dancing to a beat that wasn’t there.

And in the disbelief, I can't face reinvention. I haven’t met the new me yet

I saw a post recently that said this line is pretty much Right Where You Left Me condensed into one lyric and genuinely I have not seen anything more correct in years. Like I am still sitting here nearly six years after this started and nearly four years since I finally accepted it (god realising it’s been that long hit me like a fucking truck, not gonna lie) wondering who the fuck am I meant to be now? Like even without feeling like I devoted my life/existence for these people, who are you meant to be if not a reflection of the people who raised you and were meant to love you unconditionally?

There'll be happiness after you

I know I will get my balance back one day and be happy. There’s a lot of practical steps that need to happen first, but I know I’ll get there. And even though I wish it was with my family, I’ve accepted that it won’t be and it can’t be dependent on them or else I’m going to end up like my mother and never happy.

But there was happiness because of you

As much as I still cuss out my family, particularly my father, I grew up as a daddy’s girl and family orientated person and not all of that was negative. Though I can’t currently look back at them without crying, I have photos of birthdays, concerts, events, holidays and even just random day to day life at home that brought me so much joy. Likewise, though not directly involved, I would not have had one of the best experiences in my life of going to Japan with my school had my parents not cared enough to work their ass off for it. And though it’s hard to remember at times, especially on bad days, that is just as important to remember as the fact I’m going to be happy one day if I truly want to heal.

Both of these things can be true

Like I said, both past and future happiness is important and doesn’t negate each other. I can accept that someone from my past that made me happy isn’t going to be the one that does it in my future without either being more or lesser than the other.

There is happiness past the blood and bruise, past the curses and cries. Beyond the terror in the nightfall

Growing up in a mentally, emotionally and at times physically abusively household has left me with a lot of scars and while there’s no way to ‘prove’ it, I genuinely believe was the start of my then undiagnosed PTSD as opposed to the events of 2011. While ‘terror in the nightfall’ can directly be linked with the PTSD symptom of having chronic nightmares, I also link it just as strongly with general self doubting thoughts. Like I am very much still in a place where despite wanting to, I constantly question whether I should get married and have children or even just make new friends because I don’t feel worthy of it. All it would do is fuck over these other people. Because like end of the day, if the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally for my whole life didn’t, why the hell would anyone else?

Haunted by the look in my eyes that would've loved you for a lifetime

I will love my family forever. And genuinely, if they hadn’t of left, I would have done anything to make them happy for the rest of my life. And the fact that I do not get the chance to do that haunts me, and while I can never know for sure, I genuinely think it haunts them too.

Leave it all behind and there is happiness

Though it’s been hard, I’ve reached a point where I recognise that if I want to be happy, I need to leave behind the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what’s “meant” to be’ and focus on what is and the people who want to be in my life.

Tell me, when did your winning smile begin to look like a smirk?

Like I mentioned, I grew up as a daddy’s girl. Growing up, he was always the ‘fun’ parent. The one who was smiling and laughing all the time. The one who propped me up when I felt down. The one I really thought believed in me. But somewhere along the lines, he took offence to me wanting him to step up and face his choices so that we could fix our family. And as a result, he took joy in, in his own words, turning my sister against my mother and I and pushing me to still see him in order for mum to get spousal payments before the legal settlement out of spite. So I spent years begging him to be different, really thinking it was just a moment of hurt just for him to take pleasure in it.

When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt?

I’ve hinted at the fact that my mother is still less willing to recover and move past what happened with my family. Consequently, she’s spent the last 5 ½ years being like a bull seeing red at all times. And though I’ve tried everything I could to help her (literal hundreds of letters to politicians and other related parties to step in, reaching out to family, constant meetings with lawyers etc), even going as far as to go to law school hoping to find a solution there. But none of it panned out like we hoped. And because richer people with better connections, more money and “smaller” issues that are unrelated to ours won their cases in court and because I’m fighting for future laws to prevent this happening again rather than the unwinnable battle with my now fully adult and moved on family, suddenly it’s my fault things turned out like they did. She genuinely believes I did not try hard enough and did not care enough about my family, and particularly my sister, when in reality, losing her was, is, and always will be the biggest heartbreak of my life.

I hope she'll be your beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you

I’ve mentioned in a few other posts that both of my parents have, in their own way, raised my sister and I to be rivals rather than sisters. And so when my father chose to not reunite our family, it felt like he was picking her over me. And in my bitterness, I spent a long time making comments about how she was either just as bad as he is and using him financially or she was an idiot who couldn’t see through his bullshit and was fine being nothing more than a trophy so long as she was his favourite.

No, I didn't mean that. Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury

With time and distance away from my father and the refusal to constantly lend myself to my mother’s negativity however, I realised that I really had been aiming my anger at the wrong person. My sister was 16 when she left. A literal child. Each and every adult in my family, my then 20 year old self included, owed her more than what happened. Even if she was a “problem child” who physically and verbally lashed out, we owed her more and we failed her. That’s the part about all this that will haunt me forever. It’s not what happened to me. It’s what happened to her and the ways I let my anger and my parents cloud my vision to the point I know in my heart that things would have been different and I could have done more to save this family had I not. And I know that that anger probably traumatised and provoked a lot of my sister’s actions too. And in all honesty? The anger probably came from a place of projection too because in realising my father would rather stick with his lies than his family, I had to accept that I had been the fool that spent years soaking up praise about my achievements just to find out that’s as far as his ‘favouritism’ of me went.

You haven't met the new me yet

I somewhat joke about it, but I genuinely feel like I became a new person in 2019. Though I’m obviously not like magically healed from the trauma or anything, and while I don’t ever see a way I can have these people in my life again, on the most part I have a new outlook on everything. On top of no longer blaming my sister, I’ve been putting the focus back on myself both in terms of things I could have done differently but also doing my best to not see my family’s decision to lie and take the easy way out as being a reflection on me. Because ultimately, it’s not about me; and it took me a long time to realise that. And there’s a sense of peace in that which is the first of many parts that they won’t know about me. And in many ways, that feels like the first step to rebuilding myself.

There'll be happiness after me

Much like how my life has kept going, so has theirs. My now nearly 22 year old sister has a son who’s about to be a toddler. She has friends I’ve probably never met. My other family members probably have just as fulfilling relationships and memories that I’m not part of. It’s sad, but that’s how life goes.

But there was happiness because of me

Again, just like how my anger doesn’t negate the positive memories I’ve had with these people, realistically it’s doubtful that every second of the 16 – 23 years they knew me was neutral at best for them.

Both of these things, I believe

Logically you cannot have one of the above and not the other. Like despite what my mother thinks, you do not just stop being happy one day just because someone, or in this case many people, left. But that new happiness you have doesn’t make the old happiness any less honest. Also just in general In still in a place where like I really have to believe that my family loved and were happy with me but also happy now or else I’ll have a mental breakdown. So yeah…

There is happiness in our history, across our great divide there is a glorious sunrise, dappled with the flickers of light from the dress I wore at midnight

Like I’ve said, I have had a lot of good memories with my family, and with them being night owls and our Christmas day events at my uncle’s tending to run for 10 – 12 hours, the use of the time of midnight feels all the more personal to me. And while like I said, these fond memories aren’t enough to go back to that environment, they’re enough to be a light in the dark that reminds me that I’ve been happy before and illuminate the way across the divide to be happy again.

I can't make it go away by making you a villain

Listen, I will probably blame my father and other family members for the rest of my days over what happened. But with the new me that came in 2019, I’ve also accepted that focusing on that both internally and feeling the need to demonise them to everyone by acting like they were the only ones to make bad calls and that some of those calls didn’t come from a well-intentioned but misinformed place doesn’t make any of the pain go away. Even if they were the devil personified, I cannot change what happened. All I can focus on is myself and my future. And that’s the only way I’m going to heal and find peace.

I guess it's the price I paid for seven years in Heaven

Despite everything that happened in my childhood before the split, I am someone who got through it still loving my family and not feeling traumatised by them (or at least not processing it as such) until my adulthood. And while that may seem very bare minimum for a lot of people, it’s also a lot better than a lot of people had it.

And I pulled your body into mine every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties

I know a lot of people see this as a sexual line, but I gotta be real, from the first listen, I pictured the moments where I held/hugged my sister through anxiety attacks and lash outs and my father did the same for me. And again, despite that intimacy, we’re now in a place where we’re only polite in public (not that I’ve seen them out but if I did) in order to not cause a scene/get chucked out of wherever we were. Also, I can see this being how my father viewed all the awkward silences (which I spoke about in my It’s Time To Go post) and whatever when I did go to see him after my parents separation, because again, it did feel more like obligation than actually wanting to be there and while I know he somewhat caused that by deliberately keeping the family apart, I still feel bad over it.

No one teaches you what to do when a good man hurts you and you know you hurt him, too

Even the worst of families never expect things to blow up in the way my family’s relationships did. There isn’t and probably never will be a manual on that shit. And there’s an inherit loneliness about that because while your other loved ones can stand by your side, ultimately you gotta go through that shit alone because no one really knows what to say. So all the guilt, anger, depression and whatever else you’re feeling is exactly that: yours and yours alone. And that makes it all the rougher.

But now my eyes leak acid rain on the pillow where you used to lay your head

After my sister and father left, my mother couldn’t bare to sleep in her and my father’s old room nor my sister and my old room; instead opting to sleep in the lounge room. As a result, I moved into my parents’ old room. Though I have all new furniture, it’s set up in much the same way my parents had it and so it’s hard to not think about how my father slept in the same place I am now for 20 years of my life and the same can be said about my sister being in our childhood room for 16 years of her life. And while I’m somebody who has blocked out the ability to cry over most emotions, I’m still someone who cries very easily when I’m frustrated which as much as I wish I wasn’t, I still am frustrated and have cried more tears than I’d like to admit over how easy it should have been to keep our family together and how they just didn’t want to. And because there is that bitterness with the frustration, it does feel far more toxic than regular tears.

After giving you the best I had, tell me what to give after that

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve blamed myself a lot for decisions I should have made differently in this process, so I see this more as a line to remind myself that I did all I could. Like I took the ‘nice’ route with the adults in my family only to be rejected, I tried the assertive route and was only met with being cut off, and even if I took the ‘nice’ route with my sister, there is no reconnecting people who do not want to be. They all made their choices and could have come back at any time to hear our side even if they didn’t want to at the beginning, but again, taking the easy route was more important to them than taking the right one and no amount of me giving them what they wanted was going to change that.

All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness... and I think she'll give you that

This is another fantasy moment for me. Like I really hope that one day I can forgive my family. Not to be in their life or anything, that ship has sailed. But just for my own peace of mind. I feel like I’m almost there with my sister, but honestly? It feels like I’m never going to get there with the rest of them. Alternatively, I see this line as again, being about forgiving myself for the bad calls I made, and while I’m not quite there either, I definitely think I will get there someday.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hello! I'm trying to type my little sister who's recently emerged from a hard time with some unexpected personal development. We're all pretty smart in our family, but when she was about four years old, she just... sort of taught herself how to read? She says she followed the letters with her eyes when we read her stories, and over time a system of observed patterns emerged in her mind and she just knew how reading works. Throughout her childhood, that's how things continued: whatever she (*1)

set her mind to, she'd be really good at it really quickly - but it never worked if she wasn't truly interested in it and saw the long-term benefits of investing in a skill. For example, as the oldest sister I was always very responsible and in tune with my siblings' feelings, whereas she's had to learn that there can be benefits to 'fitting in' and being accommodating. Her teenage years were, I think, very hard for her, as social connections at school drew back from her and I moved away (*2)

from home to attend college. She retreated into her own mind and suddenly fell from overachiever status to barely passing classes, sometimes she'd even skip going at all - not because she didn't care, but because something must have really stressed her so severely as to make her abandon her 'natural' values of learning and being good at things, even those that mattered to her outside of school (the piano, e.g.). Then, after barely graduating high school, she's had a couple of years of what (*3)

I can only describe as radical self development. She's lively, open to her family members and has few, but really strong bonds with good friends. She's kind of obsessed with giving her life meaning through the pursuit of her artistic visions, and understanding how the universe truly works. Her ultimate goal is to go into astrophysics, and she's rigorous about exercising and taking long walks, and actively seeks out people to talk about her wild visions and concepts so as not to fall into (*4)

self isolation, which she says she despises because it made her waste so much time. So while I'm definitely happy she's so open and reflected these days, I'm worried something similar is actually happening: she's currently forced to go through some really taxing college classes that do not interest her very much, but are mandatory for her further pursuit into physics. She missed a lot of stuff at high school, but won't just take her time to revise some of those basic concepts, instead (*5)

beating herself up about not being at least as good as everyone else. This has been going on for about half a year now. I'm afraid the combination with this psychological aspect has led to some atypical avoidance behaviour: she spends a lot of time procrastinating by researching completely unrelated topics, spending hours cooking or cleaning or just doing, well, nothing really. This is uncharacteristic for her and I'm really worried she will fall into some kind of hole again. She has (*6)

made a plan to pass those not so fun classes on her way to greater things, but she just won't get her act in order and sit down and do it! Perhaps MBTI could offer some insight: is she looping or in the grip, and is there anyway this concerned sister can help? I'm anxious to see her thrive again, and she just doesn't seem like herself by living from moment to the next without any overarching structure. Thank you!!

-------

Hi anon, there is a lot here, much of which is not useful for MBTI, so I would recommend you read through the FAQ in full. For example, childhood behavior is in my opinion not very useful (what you provided is more just a sign of intelligence).

I also, and this is not coming from an MBTI standpoint, advise you to scale back considerably in your efforts. You can (and should) talk to your sister. You can (and should) express your concerns and offer to help in whatever way you can. And to be fair I don’t know your sister and she might be receptive to you taking an unsolicited hands on approach. She might also think you’re overbearing and overstepping and wishes you’d let her figure her shit out in peace on her own (I sure would, especially at that age, and probably would have said as much too), which is why I advise talking to her, asking her what she needs, and if she says she’s fine and she’s not immediately endangering herself and others you say “okay, I’m here for you if you need me” and mind your own business.

That was all somewhat harsh but I say this from two positions, both as the eldest sister of four and as a physics major who had some similar issues to your sister: your behavior is not universal older sibling behavior and may be unwelcome, and while I do regret in a general way not going back and fixing some basics I fucked up while I was depressed, I still graduated with an undergraduate degree and passable GPA and have done fairly well for myself since. My graduate program included people who outright failed out of college the first time around and had to retake everything at a state school. She’ll be fine, and it is typically my opinion that someone will grow more as a person by letting them figure their own shit out and learn how to ask for help than from someone coming in and doing what they think is the right response.

Which brings me to the next point, namely her high school behavior could be just withdrawing under stress. It could also be depression or something that looks like it (bipolar type II, for example), and that’s something that is life-long and chronic. This isn’t uncharacteristic; she’s done it before in high school, she’s doing something , and the best action you can take is gently bringing that up and recommending she perhaps work on addressing this pattern, in whatever form that ends up taking.

What I’m trying to get at is MBTI is a pseudoscience that I really like and which I think can be useful, but if you actually want to help someone, ask them what they need. If you suspect they’re lying and in danger (that they’re suicidal or self-harming or dealing with addiction) then you should intervene but otherwise you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. Make it clear you care about them and are worried and then let them handle it how they wish to handle it.

With all that in mind there’s not much to use here when it comes to typing. She sounds like a very intelligent person who for whatever reason has had periods when she was very unmotivated and undisciplined. The feelings of being behind or frustrated are pretty common for college students, particularly if she’s at a competitive college and has always been pretty bright and not prone to studying super hard. Not liking the boring prerequisites may be type related but it’s also just a matter of maturity, to push through dull obligations.

If you want to type her, the most important thing is getting a solid baseline of behavior, and I think because she’s been in such a state of flux over the past few years that will be very difficult. If you want to help her, express your concern to her, feel free to give advice, and listen to what she says, even if you don’t like it.

[trishmishtree]

[Current as of March 13, 2020]

Dr. Shahed (screenshot above) is an emergency department physician in Ohio who shared this post on Facebook. It’s an account of COVID-19 from the perspective of an ICU doc working on the frontlines in Seattle. Some of my laypeople-friends were sharing it around (and I’ve seen it floating around on twitter and various internet forums], but I noticed that it’s really dense and contains a lot of medical abbreviations and jargon, like it was meant more for other physicians and isn’t really useful for the average reader. So I thought I’d provide a translation for my non-medblr followers who are looking to stay informed. (If you want further clarification, feel free to drop me an ask)

***

This is from a front-line ICU physician in a Seattle hospital

This is his personal account:

We have 21 patients and 11 deaths since 2/28.

We are seeing patients who are young (20s), fit, no comorbidities, critically ill. It does happen.

US has been past containment since January

Currently, all of ICU is for critically ill COVID patients, all of med-surg [medical-surgical] floors are for stable COVID patients and end-of-life care, half of PCU [progressive care unit], half of ER. New Pulmonary Clinic offshoot is open for patients with respiratory symptoms

CDC is no longer imposing home quarantine on providers who were wearing only droplet-isolation PPE when intubating, suctioning, bronching, and in one case doing bloody neurosurgery. Expect when it comes to your place you may initially have staff home-quarantined. Plan for this NOW. Consider wearing airborne-isolation PPE for aerosol-generating procedures in ANY patient in whom you suspect COVID, just to prevent the mass quarantines.

We ran out of N95s (thanks, Costco hoarders) and are bleaching and re-using PAPRs [powered air purifying respirators], which is not the manufacturer’s recommendation. Not surprised on N95s as we use mostly CAPRs [controlled air purifying respirators] anyway, but still.

Terminal cleans (including UV light) for ER COVID rooms are taking forever, Environmental Services is overwhelmed. This is bad, as patients are stuck coughing in the waiting room. Recommend planning now for Environmental Service upstaffing, or having a plan for sick patients to wait in their cars (that is not legal here, sadly).

CLINICAL INFO (based on our cases and info from CDC conference call today with other COVID providers in US):

The Chinese data on 80% mildly ill, 14% hospital-ill, 6-8% critically ill are generally on the mark. Data [in the US] very skewed by late and very limited testing, and the number of our elderly patients going to comfort care. 

Being young & healthy (zero medical problems) does not rule out becoming vented or dead 

Probably the time course to developing significant lower respiratory symptoms is about a week or longer (which also fits with timing of sick cases we started seeing here, after we all assumed it was endemic as of late Jan/early Feb). 

Based on our hospitalized cases (including the not-formally-diagnosed ones who are obviously COVID – it is quite clinically unique), about 1/3 of patients have mild lower respiratory symptoms and need 1-5L NC [1-5 liters of oxygen per minute, via nasal cannula]. 1/3 are sicker, need face mask or non-rebreather. 1/3 are intubated with ARDS [acute respiratory distress syndrome]. 

Thus far, everyone is seeing: 

normal WBC [white blood cell] count. Almost always lymphopenic, occasionally poly [neutrophil]-predominant but with normal total WBC count. Doesn’t change, even 10 days in. 

Bronchoalveolar lavage: lymphocytic despite blood being lymphopenic. (Try not to bronch these patients; this data is from pre-testing time when we had several idiopathic ARDS cases) 

Fevers, often high, may be intermittent; persistently febrile, often for >10 days. It isn’t the dexmed, it’s the SARS2. 

Low procalcitonin; may be useful to check initially for later trending if you are concerned later for VAP [ventilator-associated pneumonia], etc.

Elevated AST/ALT, sometimes alkaline phosphatase. Usually in 70-100 range. No fulminant hepatitis. Notably, in our small sample, higher transaminitis [elevated AST/ALT] (150-200) on admission correlates with clinical deterioration and progression to ARDS. LFTs [liver function tests] typically begin to bump in 2nd week of clinical course. 

Mild AKI [acute kidney injury] (creatinine <2). Uncertain if direct viral effect, but notably SARS2 RNA fragments have been identified in liver, kidneys, heart, and blood.</li>

Characteristic chest x-ray: always bilateral patchy or reticular infiltrates, sometimes peri-hilar despite normal ejection fraction and volume down at presentation. At time of presentation may be subtle, but always present, even in our patients on chronic high dose steroids. NO effusions.

CT is as expected, rarely mild mediastinal lymphadenopathy, occasional small effusions late in course, which might be related to volume status/cap leak.

Note - China is CT'ing everyone, even outpatients, as a primarily diagnostic modality. However, in US/Europe, CT is rare, since findings are nonspecific, would not change management, and the ENTIRE scanner and room have to be terminal-cleaned, which is just impossible in a busy hospital. Also, transport in PAPRs, etc. 

2 of our patients had CTs for idiopathic ARDS in the pre-test era; they looked like the CTs in the journal articles. Not more helpful than chest x-ray. 

When respiratory failure occurs, it is RAPID (likely 7-10 days out from symptom onset, but rapid progression from hospital admission). Common scenario for our patients is: admit on 1L/min oxygen via nasal cannula. Next 12 hrs escalate to NPPV [non-invasive positive pressure ventilation]. Next 12-24 hrs → vent/proned/Flolan. 

Interestingly, despite some needing Flolan, the hypoxia is not as refractory as with H1N1. Quite different, and quite unique. Odd enough that you’d notice and say hmmm. 

Thus far many are dying of cardiac arrest rather than inability to ventilate/oxygenate. 

Given the inevitable rapid progression to ETT [endotracheal tube, aka intubation] once respiratory decompensation begins, we and other hospitals, including Wuhan, are doing early intubation. Face mask is fine, but if patients are needing HFNC [high-flow nasal cannula] or NPPV [non-invasive positive pressure ventilation], just tube them. They definitely will need a tube anyway, and no point risking the aerosols.

No MOSF [multi-organ system failure]. There’s the mild AST/ALT elevation, maybe a small creatinine bump, but no florid failure. Exception is cardiomyopathy.

Multiple patients here have had normal EF [ejection fraction] on formal Echo or POCUS [point-of-care ultrasound] at time of admission (or in a couple of cases, EF 40ish, chronically). Also normal troponins from emergency department. Then they get the horrible respiratory failure, sans sepsis or shock. Then they turn the corner, come off Flolan, supined, vent weaning, looking good, never any pressor requirement. Then over 12 hrs, newly cold, clamped, multiple-pressor shock that looks cardiogenic, EF 10% or less. Then either VT [ventricular tachycardia, aka V-tach] → VF [ventricular fibrillation, aka V-fib] → dead, or PEA [pulseless electrical activity] → asystole in less than a day. Needless to say, this is awful for families who had started to have hope. 

We have actually had more asystole than VT. Other facilities report more VT/VF, but same time course, a few days or a week after admission, around the time they’re turning the corner. This occurs on med-surg patients too. One today, who is elderly and chronically ill but with baseline EF preserved, became newly hypotensive overnight, EF <10. Already no escalation, has since passed. So presumably there is a viral cardiomyopathy aspect, which presents later in the course of disease.

Of note, no wall motion abnormalities on Echo, right ventricular function preserved, troponins don’t bump. Could be unrelated, but I’ve never seen anything like it before, especially in a patient who had been hemodynamically stable without sepsis.

TREATMENT:

Remdesivir might work, some hospitals have seen improvement with it quite rapidly, marked improvement in 1-3 days. ARDS trajectory is impressive with it, patients improve much more rapidly than expected in usual ARDS.

Recommended course is 10 days, but due to scarcity, all hospitals have stopped it when the patient is clinically out of the woods. None have continued >5 days. It might cause LFT bump, but interestingly seem to bump (200s-ish) for a day or 2 after starting, then rapidly back to normal, suggests this is not a primary toxic hepatitis.

Unfortunately, the Gilead compassionate use and trial programs require AST/ALT <5x normal, which is pretty much almost no actual COVID patients. Also CrCl [creatinine clearance] >30, which is fine. CDC is working with Gilead to get LFT requirements changed now that we know this is a mild viral hepatitis.

Currently the Gilead trial is wrapping up, NIH trial still enrolling, some new trial soon to begin, can’t remember where.

Steroids are up in the air. In China, usual clinical practice for all ARDS is high dose methylprednisolone. Thus, ALL of their patients have had high dose methylprednisolone. Some question whether this practice increases mortality.

It is likely that it increases secondary VAP/HAP [ventilator-associated pneumonia/hospital-acquired pneumonia]. China has had a high rate of drug-resistant GNR [Gram-negative rod] HAP/VAP and fungal pneumonia in these patients, with resulting increases in mortality. We have seen none, even in the earlier patients who were vented for >10 days before being bronch’ed (prior to test availability. Again, it is not a great idea to bronch these patients now).

Unclear whether VAP-prevention strategies are also different [in China vs US], but wouldn’t think so?

Hong Kong is currently running an uncontrolled trial of HC 100IV Q8 [hydrocortisone 100 mg IV every 8 hours].

General consensus here (in US among doctors who have cared for COVID patients) is that steroids will do more harm than good, unless needed for other indications.

Many of our patients have COPD on ICS [inhaled corticosteroids]. Current consensus at Evergreen, after some observation & some clinical judgment, is to stop ICS if able, based on known data with other viral pneumonias and increased susceptibility to HAP. Thus far patients are tolerating that, no major issues with ventilating them that can’t be managed with vent changes. We also have quite a few on AE-COPD [acute exacerbation of COPD]/asthma doses of methylprednisolone, so will be interesting to see how they do.

[mrsh0rr0rxoxo-blog]

Depression

Depression –

 Let’s talk about the different types of Depression that are out there. Once I’m finished, if you are someone who suffers from Depression talk to me. Tell me what you Suffer from. And if you’re so inclined to do so, tell me about what made you this way. Because we didn’t get this way from birth, TRUMA happened to make us this way.

Clinical Depression –

Being sad most of the time, so much that it effects your daily life, you may or may not have this.

Treatment – Talking to your doctor, talking to a Therapist and medication. You may also want to consider making changes in your lifestyle. I know it’s hard, but even the smallest change, might make your Clinical Depression, less noticeable to you.

Major Depression –

Major Depression or as often called by doctors “Major Depressive Disorder” (It’s technically the same thing). To know if this is something that you suffer from, you’re going to feel or should be feeling depressed most of the days during the week, and nothing that you can do will bring you out during those days.

Symptoms –

-         Loss of interest or pleasure you once felt in activities.

-         Weight gain is most common for us Stress eaters & depressed eaters, but don’t be alarmed if you lose weight. It is more common than you think.

-         Not able to sleep at night or able to fall asleep, resulting in you feeling sleepy all day.

-         Feeling Worthless. (Which means in your mind, nothing you can do makes anyone happy) It’s not true, but in your mind it really is.

-         Restless, Sluggish and Agitated (ALL. THE. TIME.)

-         Slowed down physically and or mentally. (But typically if you’re slow physically, your mental state will be slow also.)

-         Always tired with lack of energy.

-         THOUGHTS of Suicide (BUT no action).

-         Can’t concentrate or make decisions.

If you go to your doctor with FIVE or more of these symptoms, and they last more then 2 to 3 weeks, you have a chance of being diagnosed with Major Depression.

Treatment –

Antidepressants, Talk Therapy (Which never worked for me.) Mental Health Specialists that you will be asked to see, they will help you find a way to manage it. (I highly recommend it.)

If medication barely helps – then you can also try ECT & rTMS (Electroconvulsive Therapy & Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation)

Consult your Doctor before considering the above treatments in Bold.

 Persistent Depressive Disorder –

Depression lasting more then TWO years. The Term “Persistent Depressive Disorder” is used to describe two conditions, previously known as Dysthymia (low-grade persistent) & Chronic Major Depression.

Symptoms –

-         Change in appetite (Over eating or not at all.)

-         Sleeping too much or too little.

-         Fatigue or lack of energy.

-         Low Self-Esteem.

-         Trouble Concentrating/Making Decisions

-         Always feeling Hopeless.

Treatment –

Psychotherapy, Medication or Both.

Bipolar Disorder –

Someone who is Bipolar – or often called “Manic Depression” Has a mood episode. It can range from Extremes of high energy with an “Up” mood to low “depressive” periods.

When in low Phase, you will have symptoms of Major Depression.

Meds will help bring your moods under control. Whether you’re in a high or low Period. You might also need a mood stabilizer. (Talking with your doctor is the best way to figure that out.)

Bipolar is something Serious and needs to be treated right away.

Traditional  antidepressants are not always going to be recommended as first-line treatments for bipolar depression, since there is no proof from studies that these drugs are more helpful than a placebo(sugar pill) in treating depression in people with bipolar disorder.

Not to mention that for some people with bipolar disorder (like me), some of the traditional antidepressants may increase the risk of causing a “High” phase of illness, or speeding up how often you have these episodes over time.

Psychotherapy can also help you and your family with support.

I can honestly tell you, that my Bipolar Disorder, puts a lot of stress on my husband and child. It’s really bad. When I’m having a “High” day, it’s a bad day for everyone. I don’t even want to work on those days. I can’t focus. But employers don’t understand someone with mental disabilities, so unfortunately in this world, you can’t not go to work because of it.

 Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD or Seasonal Depression as most often heard) –

It is a period of Major Depression that most often happens during the winter months, when the days grow shorter and you get less and less sunlight. It typically will go away in the spring and summer.

If you do have SAD, antidepressants will help. You can also do light therapy. You will need to sit in front of a special bright light box for about 15-30 minutes each day.

Get it treated. Don’t let it go because you know with spring your mental state will clear, if you get too far down the rabbit hole, there’s no coming back out of it with the change of the season.

 Psychotic Depression –

People who have psychotic depression have the symptoms of Major depression along with “Psychotic” symptoms, such as:

-         Hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that are not there)

-         Delusions (false beliefs)

-         Paranoia (wrongly believing that others are trying to harm you.)

Treatment –

A combination of antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs can treat psychotic depression. ECT may also be an option for you.

 Peripartum (PostPartum) Depression –

Women who have major depression in the weeks and months after childbirth may have peripartum depression. Antidepressant drugs can help similarly to treating major depression that is unrelated to childbirth.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) –

Women with PMDD have depression and other symptoms at the start of their period.

Besides feeling depressed, you may also have:

-         Mood Swings

-         Irritability

-         Anxiety

-         Trouble concentrating

-         Fatigue

-         Change in appetite or sleep habits

-         Feelings of being overwhelmed

Treatment –

Antidepressant medication or sometimes oral contraceptives can treat PMDD.

 ‘Situational’ Depression –

Situational – is not a technical term in psychiatry. But you can have a depressed mood based on what is going on in your life, a stressful event that you’re having trouble managing. A death in the family, a divorce, losing your job. Your doctor might call this “stress response syndrome.”

Treatment –

Psychotherapy can often help you get through a period of depression that’s related to a stressful situation.

Atypical Depression –

This is different then the persistent sadness of typical depression. It’s considered to be a “Specifier” that describes a pattern of depressive symptoms. If you have “atypical depression,” a positive event can temporarily improve your mood.

Other symptoms of atypical depression include:

-         Increased appetite

-         Sleeping more than usual

-         Feeling of heaviness in your arms and legs

-         Oversensitive to criticism

Treatments –

Antidepressants can help. Your doctor might suggest a type called SSRI – Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, as the first line of treatment.

They might also sometimes recommend an older type of antidepressant called MAOI – Monoamine oxidase inhibitor – which is a call of antidepressants that studies state work well with atypical depression.

 Some of you are reading this & thinking, “I’ve been depressed my entire life” that very well maybe true. No doubts about it. It is highly unlikely for you to have every single type of depression, but it is not unlikely for you to have had, experienced each one in your life.

I myself am Bipolar. I suffer from Major Depression & I very often do get Seasonal Depression.

I suffered from Postpartum after I had a miscarriage. I didn’t know that, that was possible, all I knew was my depression was worse. So I seen my doctor he treated me and it finally went away, it went back to my normal Highs & Lows.

My depression started when I was in High School and it has not gone away.

Somedays my depression doesn’t get the best of me, and somedays it does. I can feel myself slipping into depression now, when the bad days are coming. Lately they are more often then not, because I lost a friend that I loved very dearly.

That is her own fault, and I am partly to blame, but I’m not the one that wants everyone to feel bad for me. I think it’s because she suffered a great, great horrible loss in her life and hasn’t found the right way to overcome that, resulting in pushing everyone else away from her. Then making someone else the victim.

I’ve done it before. It’s how I can figure it out.

So, I did what I had to do for me. I stopped talking to her, and ever since there’s been stuff said about me that isn’t true, and it’s making my depression even worse. So, I’m cautious.

I watch what I say and do, I watch what I eat, because I need to eat healthy to keep me in a positive mood. I focus on the things that keep me happy. My husband, child and close, close friends. I read trashy romance novellas because they make me happy, I binge watch Grey’s Anatomy (because who doesn’t love a good cry) and I try to get the best sleep possible.

I’ve recently had an increase in medication, and I do think that is helping. I can’t say that I will ever be okay, and I can’t explain how I’m feeling to people that don’t understand because they will never understand.

  Credits -

Thank you to WebMD, for helping me fact check and make sure that I provided the correct information, treatment and diagnosis.

[thetwotorches]

The Tarot and Health

When you’re dealing with health issues, sometimes the Tarot can be a scary fucking tool to implement to find out more about what’s going on or how a doctor-ordered test will turn out. Is it giving you an honest answer? Is your own personal energy and fears influencing the story the cards tell you, i.e. reflecting a worse-case-scenario that isn’t accurate? I feel that this is why focus is so important when using the cards for things like this. Don’t let your mind stray! Try to control your anxiety levels as you shuffle the cards and focus only on the question, not any kind of potential answer- this is where meditation beforehand can often help if this is a difficult thing to do on the fly.

I have had a chronic ailment for two years now, and suddenly, right before a trip that will take me to one of my ancestral homelands for the first time, I have been led back to the doctor (even though I have no insurance). I put it off for a year, even after the cards telling me, “Hey, did you know that what’s wrong with you is fixable by a doctor if you actually freaking go? Hmm?!” because I didn’t want to deal with it. Well, I’ve gone in for the test, as terrifying as the whole ordeal was. And so far so good, even though it’s led to a second test. Last night when pulling the cards again on what this next procedure will reveal, the answer I received was, “You’re going to have a brilliant, care-free time on your trip, you’re stripping away all the fears you’ve had this whole time- the illusions are going away, this terrible shit is over and now on its way out- balance in the form of level-handed love and compassion is coming back to you now.” If I hadn’t received the past answers that I had some time ago, I don’t think I’d quite believe it. And even then, we’ll see whether this holds true. Because it’s human nature to be skeptical and suspicious of everything, even good news, because, frankly, that’s how we’ve survived for so long as a species. But for once, I’d like to believe, you know? It would really be nice. For those of us who commune and conjure, this is also where our ghosts and/or spirit-gods can come into play. Those who follow me will remember the last big ritual I did awhile back that led to some pretty strong interaction- the dousing and relighting of each of my candles as I went through my work until both were doused simultaneously at the end- and how after some failures I chalked the whole thing up to a denial. Well.....now that might not quite be the case. 

Like anyone who mainly exists outside of our plane of existence, there’s got to be some insight there available to them that we obviously have, generally, no access to. Witches manage to gain limited access through their work. But it’s the ghosts and spirit-gods we work with who seem to have the all-access (or nearly so) pass, depending on their strengths. My own personal path that I had wanted to work was better job, which leads to better healthcare, which leads to help for my chronic issues- plus some bonuses thrown in. My initial in for this to happen fell through due to unrelated outside influence on the employer’s side which blocked me. So, I considered it a bust, or that I was intentionally blocked because I was knowingly wanting to cross paths with someone who had caused me significant damage but was willing to suck it up for the potential healthcare benefits and income. Either way, I was blocked. But then my grandmother wanted to go home, and not caring about anything else, I said yes. Which pushed me to go to the doctor now (even though I technically can’t afford to), and suddenly I am being led down a potentially entirely new path for work next. Is this not what I intended, but just in reverse format? 😂 I work with Hekate. She scooped me up around this time last year since I had been lost for some time at my own self-imposed crossroads and has been with me ever since. It is she who I invoked at that last working. When I thought it failed, she essentially told me to chill out and leave things alone for awhile. And I have- I’ve not done any significant working since. In the mean time, the following has happened: 1. Blocked for the job I wanted. (I took this very, very badly) 2. Took up my grandma’s trip proposal thinking I have nothing to lose. 3. A new, potentially more wide-ranging job proposal springs up. Interview scheduled. 4. The day before, I pass three black dogs in succession on my way to work- some sort of reassuring sign but I’m not sure what. Later that day I find my interview cancelled with some sort of rescheduling promised later. I roll with it- I’ve been given a sign after all- and don’t take it especially hard. 5. I go to the doctor. I get signed up for tests. Somewhere in the back of my head I get a nagging feeling that the interview rescheduling is going to happen on a specific day. 6. Months ago, Hekate showed me a talisman I could draw to keep in my workspace to keep an aggressive coworker away from me. For 2-3 days the talisman, which has done its job well so far, keeps flipping itself upside down rather suspiciously. Said coworker finally gets fired due to their own actions. 7. A few days later, I pass three black dogs again on my way to work. I receive an email with a confirmed new interview date. It’s the date I suspected. 8. Health exam day comes. I am mostly calm, somehow, until I am actually confronted with it happening. I don’t know how I got that far. Possibly insignificant but a sweet dog did sit across from me on the train- very unusual. 9. Result is generally good, but last test is ordered to eliminate everything. This is what I will go to now. Risking a look at the tarot, it should be a good result- or at least one that is not concerning. Who knows! 10. ????? 11. Ultimately somehow returning back to a normal state that was stolen from me some time ago- possibly since the beginning. Who knows what this will bring? Looking over what I’ve just written, I’m not sure what advice I am trying to convey here exactly other than to perhaps be judicious in your divinations when it comes to sensitive issues, like heath, that can change depending on what doctors say and what your own state of mind is. I think in a year I have only ever done three readings related to it, and the rest was linked to a single significant ritual done a couple months ago now. There are some who might advocate constant craft-working- ‘make everything magical!’. But sometimes...remember that sometimes quality beats quantity. Sometimes even when you’re doing nothing but riding out the waves of your previous work, done what feels like ages ago, that you’re still participating in the craft because *you* made those waves. And sometimes it’s ok to just give it a rest for awhile- regardless of whether or not a god-spirit tells you to, haha.

[storyinmypocket]

Hey so this is going into its own post because recent posts have gotten me thinking, and I didn’t want to derail with my only tangentially related school shooting thoughts.

See, I was in high school when Columbine happened. It was my junior year, and I was already living with a modified school schedule because of severe depression and suicidal ideation and chronic illness. I came home from school that day, and the shooting was all anyone was talking about. School shootings were pretty new in the public consciousness at the time, so it was huge and terrifying, and all the news was about how:

1) The shooters were goth (they weren’t). 2) They listened to Marilyn Manson (despite common opinion this is unrelated to point 1, and also they didn’t). 3) OBVIOUSLY WE NEED TO STOP THE SPOOKY KIDS BEFORE THEY GO ON A MURDER SPREE.

Seriously, everyone came down hard on the “gothic lifestyle”, because it’s easier to target weird depressed kids than to dig into why angry white boys had access to that kind of weaponry. Nothing changes.

And there I was, who hadn’t worn non-black clothes to school since freshman year, who was morbid af and had a dark sense of humor and was going through pretty severe mental health issues. And I was queer. And I was ambiguously brown, though it would be another two and half years before that became another red flag when people looked at me.

I didn’t go to school the next day, because I knew how the backlash would play out, and my mom supported me in staying home. I was completely right about basically everything.

After missing one day of school, I came back to find that the administrators had called in literally every one of the weird kids and interrogated them. There were mass searches. There were cops everywhere. And what seemed like the entire student body was convinced I’d been expelled after someone found a “kill list” in my car. The car I didn’t own, to go with the driver’s license I still don’t have.

I lost track of how many people asked me, “Didn’t you get expelled?” which became my favorite question right up there with the half-joking, half-afraid, “Are you going to shoot us?”

We had a cop stationed at our school after that, and I could feel him watching me.

My senior year, after I’d been vocal about my plans to bring a girl I liked to prom, and when the school had instituted a uniform as a direct response to the idea that goth kids might flip out and kill some people (because being forced to wear khaki ever made any goth hate the world any less?)... They told me that, despite my chronic health issues and my mountain of legit doctor’s notes, I was going to have to repeat the year due to missing too many days, excellent grades be damned.

Their written policy was no more than eight unexcused absences in a year, or a student could be held back. I had two. One was the day after Columbine.

“I think it’s better if I just drop out,” I said, because like fucking hell was I going to stick around to be treated like a criminal for one more goddamn year.

“I think that’s a good idea,” said the principal, the same man who had argued so vehemently against me being homeschooled two years before, when going to school every day literally made me want to die, but hey, those amazing grades made their stats look good!

And that’s how the deaths of twelve kids and one teacher (which seems like such a small number now, and that breaks my goddamn heart) were used against a marginalized kid to push them out of the system that was supposed to be helping them. And I’m pretty fucking sure I wasn’t the only one.

I’m not trying to say being discriminated against because you dress weird is on par with being discriminated against for things you can’t change. I’ve experienced both, and fuck yeah, there’s a difference. I AM trying to say what several other people are saying more eloquently than I can: the way we respond to these tragedies is profoundly fucked up and wrong. I’m just coming at it from a different angle.

Because I read people I love and care about taking it for granted that they’ll be in a mass shooting someday. And it hurts, and I want to keep them safe. But I’m not scared of the shooters. I’m scared of the cops who’ll decide I’m a suspect and not a victim. I’m scared of bleeding out on the ground while the cops stand over me and don’t stop whoever’s actually shooting people.

This is nothing compared to what it’s like to be Black or Muslim in the current political climate. Or more obviously Latine than I am, for that matter. In most cases, if I really have to, I can pass. Pass for white, for straight, for neurotypical.

But no one should have to center their life around hiding everything that matters so they won’t be a target.