#which I would be able to if a leech wasnt living with me

[sleeping-satan]

I haven't bitched about it before but my roommate situation is pretty fucking bad.

Bad as in the motherfucker hasn't paid for anything since he got here while eating all of my food. Thats 2k in rent alone. I let him "borrow" over $100 the first month he was here because I thought he just needed to settle a bit. Nope. Screw me for being nice I guess.

I have only been able to make rent off of the loans I was expecting to be able to pay back after I got a roommate. I'm worse off than I would be if I just lived alone.

And I'm finally complaining about it now because I asked him last week to stop eating my shit. Five fucking days later I notice my food is gone. No heads up, just him eating my shit expecting me to be too stupid to notice.

I asked him to talk this weekend and last minute he's like "actually I left and I'm going to be back late" must've been a robber I heard unlock the door and go into your room at 8pm then.

Like, if this ends up as him legit avoiding me, I will just ask him to leave. The talk was going to be a final warning, but if he doesn't want to be warned, then we can skip to the part where I tell him to get out.

If I wasn't on the fucking poverty line then I'd be much more okay with this. At this point, though, it's a self-preservation thing. If this keeps going I'll end up being unable to make rent at all.

And I'm no longer patient. I'm feeling very mean about it. Which is much worse when I know it's very justified.

[hackfurs]

im going to put a summary of what i’ve been going through under a read more to add some context to my absence. its a long one. sorry. also some trigger warnings for: abuse , death of a loved one , ableism , discussion of topics related to nausea

- i have been failing to deal with an intense workload that began all the way back in 2020, when my old computer died and i had to scramble to replace it in the middle of a global pandemic.

- i was able to afford the computer thanks to everyone being so generous at the time, but afterward, i still had bills to pay and needed to afford food.

- since art was the only way i knew how to make money, my queue quickly outpaced my ability to work and i haven’t recovered since despite permanently closing commissions last year (except if my need was dire).

- the stress and guilt associated with having such a long queue continued to compound, making it harder to do art in any capacity. i feel intense guilt when i draw anything not meant for a client. because of this, i don’t have much love for art at the moment.

- my “brand” of ADHD severely affects my executive function capabilities, i have constant issues with insomnia. weeks pass in the blink of an eye and i have no idea where the time goes. and i’m unable to get any treatment for it. my doctor refuses to prescribe anything, and those in my family are unwilling to help me seek treatment with a specialist for adhd.

- up until may-june of this year when i was able to finally get treatment after months of testing, i had had a chronic stomach condition (for the past 5-6 years) that would give me monthly, sometimes weekly issues such as intense nausea and lack of appetite. i would spend every waking moment throwing up, subsisting off of pedialyte popsicles and a cold medicine strong enough to make sure i was never awake enough to full grasp how awful i felt. i lost all joy for eating. every meal was a gamble if i’d feel fine or doom myself to be bedridden for 3 days. there were times i was so weak i couldnt remain awake for longer than 15 minutes at a time. couldn’t think. i was terrorized constantly by fever dreams. so because of this, my every waking moment became dominated by this obsessive game of “am i sick? am i going to be sick? is this a false alarm?” it was maddening and i missed out on so much. my only experience of MFF 2019 was walking through the dealers den for 30 minutes alone because everyone in the group had already looked through everything and wasnt interested. id never felt so alone in a crowd of people before.

- if i wasnt sick, i was recovering and dreading the next time i would inevitably get sick. it haunted my every waking moment. i thought every time it happened “maybe this one actually kills me”. and the whole time the tests turned back nothing. the meds didn’t do anything. it took over a year to finally get a medication that helped and im terrified of ever living like that again. it was hard to get myself to work when i was an anxious wreck huddled in a corner afraid i was going to die, and while i no longer get sick, those anxieties still color every aspect of my life

- now that im unable to work consistently on what i do owe, and now that i’m taking no new commissions, i’ve made around $500 for the entirety of 2022. which isn’t much to live off of, so i’ve been existing entirely on the good will of others. while i’m so thankful for all the help i do receive, it makes me feel like a leech. it makes me feel like everyone will start to hate me eventually when they notice i’m not getting better as fast as they thought i would. and if im not getting better, what was the point of sending money to help?

- on top of all that, my home life has progressively gotten worse. i opened up about my experiences with autism to the relatives i live with, as well as what i deal with because of adhd, and they have been unsympathetic at best to actively abusive at worst.

- one of them has weaponized my autism against me multiple times, and as recently as last week, intentionally triggered a panic attack in me to manipulate me into doing something for her. i’m not able to stand up for myself. i’m constantly infantilized and attacked for things i can’t help. she lets me live here for free, and if i speak up, i stand to become homeless. i have no other option than to accept the abuse of a family member. i have no money to do anything about it. and any money i do get would be put toward refunding people waiting for art.

- this very same family member is also very accident prone, and recently this year would have died in an accident had i not been there to help her. if i had not heard her calls for help. after this incident, i started to bolt out of sleep thinking i heard her calling for help again, and then i have a panic attack when i realize i had just imagined it. despite everything, it would be blood on my hands if i wasn’t around to help the next time something happened. so now im constantly on edge. constantly on the lookout.

- the other family member i live with is going to be dead soon. he was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and he refused all treatment and chances to right the ship before it was too late. so instead, he has chosen to die. i don’t know how much longer he has left. he gets confused. he terrifies me sometimes. but there’s nothing i can do about it.

- i feel alienated from almost everyone in my life now. furries and friends alike. everyone i know is waiting on art from me, so i avoid talking to them to avoid the guilt of acknowledging its been months with no update. and when i dont talk, we drift apart. i stop feeling welcome in discord servers. i got pushed out of our mff group for mff 2022. i wanted to go so bad, but i dont think ill ever go again at this point.

- to wrap it all up in one bleak little bow, i am in the most hopeless place i have ever been in my life. i feel like my career is dead and forever tainted. i can’t blame anyone for wanting nothing to do with me now, especially after making people wait so long. i can’t come back from this. my mental health is doomed to deteriorate. just trying to exist in this house has been traumatizing. my one good irl friend i thought i had wants nothing to do with me anymore. i dont see a way out of this. even if a literal miracle fell into my lap and let me refund all the art i owed, it would all still be fucked. i can never make it right with people at this point. its too late. i wasted too much time. im just fucked and its just a matter of how long im allowed to tread water before real life comes knocking and i sink below the waves.

sorry for all that. i guess thats it.

[deaths-wife]

**Fruits basket (2019) ending spoilers!!**

I iwas. i was nOT prepared for the ending of fruits basket. The speech Tohru's mom gives in the death flashback?? about living and growing old?? the fact Kyo watched her die??? oh my god Akitos arc?? she was so lonely that whole time?? every single character in that goddamn show has. so much. trauma. send them ALL to therapy PLEASE. I kin Isuzu which is. honestly worrying. and specifically in that scene where she finally accepts Tohru's help and just??? sobs on her????? wow. WOW. AND MOMIJI!!! I honestly wasnt prepared for him to grow up so much in s3 like physically and mentally that poor lil bunny :(( there was a serious lack of Uo-chan and Hanajima in s3 tho ngl bc i absolutely adore those two bitches (Uotani reminds me a lot of Beidou from GI i think bc of the hair, voice, and bad bih attitude so my sapphic ass dEFINITELY has a type oops)

anyway im so glad that everyone got their happy endings but. ngl that show has forever changed me and i will forever love it and ill miss that ill never get to watch it for the first time again. everyone in it grew so much, helped eachother, forgave people, it even addresses when Isuzu doesnt want to forgive Akito when most of the other Sohmas do (understandably, Akito damaged her SO much)

anyway have some of my favourite fruits basket quotes:

"Sure, the idea of forgetting does make me sad- but if that's what it takes, I'll grin and bear it... I do have one thing to ask you- if I forget you, please befriend me again?" - Tohru Honda, S1E2

"People like me cling to kind people. We seek them out. We leech them dry. That’s why I won’t involve anyone else in this. It’s better if I go it alone. I’ll keep running alone. Nobody has to understand me. It’s easier if they hate me. It’s better if I’m all alone. That’s what I decided, and I intend to stick with it. I decided I wouldn’t cry." - Isuzu (Rin) Sohma, ?

"I hate this. This is why I didn't want to get near her. She's that type of person. The type of person who makes me feel this. I wanted to burst into tears. I wanted to run to her, let myself lie in her lap- and surrender my heart to her. I wanted to whine and complain about my weakness. I couldn't do that. People like me lean on, yearn for- and take advantage of kind people.. I'm sorry! I'm going to lean on you- I'm so powerless- I'm so weak. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know!" - Isuzu (Rin) Sohma, S2E19

"It's scary to be by yourself. It's scary to be- on your own." - (to Isuzu) Tohru Honda, S2E19

"Come on carrots, I don't get what you are so embarrassed about. It's not like I'm asking you to pick up panties for her or something. Jeez." - best girl Uotani :3, ?

"When somebody is important to you, there are times where it can be hard, times when where they may feel lonely… but in the end, it's worth it. Happier, sad, together or apart, my weakness will always be.. Tohru." - best girl Hanajima <3, S1E21

"Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away, despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner, hope will return to you. Again and again." - Kazuma (Senpai/Master) Sohma, ?

"Even if the world doesn’t need us, we live for the people who do." - Kyoko Honda, ?

"I never thought I’d be praised. I never thought that day would come. I’m imperfect, warped, defective…and yet here is someone who’s praising me." - Machi Kuragi, ?

"If I keep trying, then someday… I’ll be strong enough that those memories can’t defeat me. I want to believe that there’s no such thing as a memory that’s okay to forget." - Momiji Sohma, ?

"I knew it. I knew it all along. Just as there’s rejection in this world, there are people who will reach out to you." - Kyo Sohma, ?

"When did I start thinking stupid, sappy things like that? And why? It's almost like… I'm…" - Kyo Sohma, S2E9

"She must have known that if she let go… I would never return. If I slipped through her hands, I'd be gone. And no one would be able to bring me back. She didn't erase all my pain or offer to solve all of my problems. She didn't fix everything that was broken. But that's not what I needed anyway. Not really. What mattered most was that… she stayed." - Kyo Sohma, S2E9

"I wish I could’ve lived my life without making any wrong turns. But that’s impossible. A path like that doesn’t exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time, we push forward. It’s all we can do. On our own two feet." - Yuki Sohma, ?

"I think it’s true what they say…crying, unexpectedly, does make you feel better. Without shame, like a child. When you get older, you forget about that. It’s not easy to have a good cry anymore." - Hatori Sohma, ?

"You've been sad- miserable- and so very lonely." - (to Akito) Tohru Honda, S3E9

"No- I'm scared! I don't want this! I was promised- so much more! This world- where no one needs me, where everyone's a stranger- I don't want it... No! It's too late! Don't you understand that? This world is unrecognisable. There are no promises, or bonds- no hope of eternity. I'm scared. I can't live surrounded by strangers- alone. Without any guarantee that- I'll be loved? I can't." - Akito Sohma, S3E9

"The second I cry, you'll decide you've had enough. If I complain, you'll get mad. You'll stop liking me- and throw me out of your life!" - (to Tohru) Akito Sohma, S3E9

"Akito- please, don't cry. It's alright. Everything's alright, the scary times are over. You made it." - Tohru Honda, S3E9

"I'm begging you please, do what I cant. Protect my baby girl... Sorry, honey. I guess this is goodbye. I have to go- but I pray that you'll be happy. I pray that your years will be full of people who love you. Live the kind of life you can be proud of in the end. Even if you make mistakes, or take the long way around. Live so that- when it's your time to go- people will say; "You fought well." Have lots of happy times, and sad times, and everything in-between. That's how I want you to grow old." - Kyoko Honda, S3E12

ok thats it, promise.

ik like no one will read this post so its mostly for myself but if anyone out there in the void also enjoys fruits basket- pls take this offering xoxo

[star-and-the-motherverse]

Chapter 3 - Earth and the Lost Soul

The Butterfly Who Lost Her Wings

Word Count: 3981 | AO3 Mirror | Previous | Next

Summary: Marco returns to Earth and sets out to right a wrong.

✧·ﾟ: *✧·ﾟ:* ☾ *:·ﾟ✧*:·ﾟ✧

A rift in space opened up in the Diaz family’s living room. Marco emerged from it a second later, dimensional scissors in hand. He was exactly where he had intended to land, in the middle of his living room. But only when the portal had disappeared did he realize that he hadn’t fully thought that decision through.

His mother, Angie, immediately noticed his arrival from her standing place in the kitchen. “Marco, you’re home!”

A cold wave of dread washed over him as he caught sight of his mother’s unknowing smile. She threw her arms around him in a hug, but he was completely lost in his thoughts, dismayed by his realization. I’m going to have to be the one to break the news to everyone in Echo Creek…

“Welcome home.”

“Hi, mom.” Marco tried to politely excuse himself to his room, but Angie wasn’t about to let him go so easily.

“Did you get everything figured out with Star?” she asked, letting up on her grasp. “I know she didn’t leave on the best terms.”

He turned around slowly, opting to stare at the wall behind her instead of making eye contact. “Actually… can we talk about it later? I’m really tired.”

Unfortunately, Angie was smarter than that. “Is everything alright?”

“I’m tired,” he repeated. “I’m really, really tired.”

“Marco?” She could only repeat her son’s name as he turned his back and ascended the stairs without responding further. “Marco!”

He shut his bedroom door behind him, trying to listen through the door. When he was certain that his mother hadn’t followed him in an effort to demand answers, he slid down the wall to a seated position on the floor and sighed heavily, his exhaustion finally starting to catch up with him.

His phone in is pocket was being bombarded by incoming messages, now that he’d returned to a place with cell service. He remained there on the floor for several moments before he was able to convince himself to look through his notifications. There were a lot of unread messages from his friends, mostly Jackie. As he was attempting to read through them, he was bombarded by several new texts from Janna.

Janna: yo diaz

are u home yet?

u better answer me

Because of course Janna somehow knew that he was back on Earth. He supposed it really wasn’t all that surprising, once he thought about it. I’m not sure if I’m in the right headspace to put up with this right now…

Marco: Yeah I am, how did you know that?

Janna: not important

ur gf has been harassing me bc u werent responding

next time maybe give some notice before u disappear?

Guilt flooded over him. She had every right to be upset with him, as far as he was concerned. Everyone did. He was the one who left without notice, and aside from a parting message to Jackie—apparently she had still tried to contact him anyways—no one else in his immediate friend group had known where he was.

Marco: I’m really sorry

I didn’t mean to be gone as long as I was

Janna: save your sorries for your gf dude

u cant just disappear for a week w/o warning and pretend nothings changed. shes got every right to be mad if she is

i kinda do too, lucky for u im not the grudge holding type

did star come back with u or is she like staying on mewni or whatever

Marco collapsed backwards onto his bed, defeated. His phone fell out of his hand, currently of little concern to him, now that he was so lost in his thoughts. There’s just no escaping this, is there? Everything had always been about Star, and everything still was about Star. Just as suddenly as she had crashed into his life, she was gone, and there wasn’t a thing he could do about it. He couldn’t stop thinking about her, about how the last thing she’d thought to do before disappearing in that explosion was to apologize.

A piece of his world had went with her, and he couldn’t help but feel that he was somehow responsible. There had to have been warning signs, right? Should he have done something differently, or done something sooner? “I hate this,” he murmured aloud, burying his face in his hands. “I hate this…”

Star probably hates this, too, he admitted inwardly. She always did everything in her power to be a positive force in people’s lives. The last thing she’d want is for everyone who cared about her to be moping around. I really hope she knew what she was getting herself into…

He finally spared another glance at his phone.

Janna: ???

Marco: Sorry

I don’t know if I want to talk about it right now, if that’s ok

Janna: yeah sure

if things are awkward between u two now thats ur business, not mine

jackie isnt mad at you fr that btw

Marco: For what?

Janna: uh

at the party?

Oh, right, Marco grimaced. Just before she left for Mewni—and subsequently vanished—Star had confessed her feelings for him in front of everyone at their end-of-the-school-year celebration. Even now, he still couldn’t help but hold some resentment towards her for how hasty that decision of hers had been, especially when she knew he was dating Jackie.

It was almost like she knew that was the last time she’d ever see him, and that her true feelings had been a weight on her chest that she could no longer bear to keep bottled up.

And yet, at the same time, his resentment felt unfair. He had no way of knowing when these feelings of hers had actually emerged, but Star never stopped trying to help him get Jackie’s attention. Even once they were finally dating, Star still went out of her way to include both of them in her lives however she could. As much heartache as it likely caused her, she must have valued their friendship over everything else, if she was able to force herself to put up with it for such a long time.

Conflicted feelings about Star aside, he still had overwhelmingly negative memories associated with that party. He preferred to forget about it where possible.

Marco: Gee, thanks for that, Janna

I’d almost forced that party out of my recent memory, but now it’s back.

Janna: sorry lol

Marco: Why would Jackie be mad at me about that? Star having feelings for me doesn’t change anything

Just wondering why you think that

Janna: i dont, im just repeating what she told me

and she told me she wasnt mad at u, sooo

i dont think shes mad at all tbh? that was a week ago anyways

go talk to her urself dude, im no therapist

Marco: Alright

Thanks, Janna

Janna: no prob

Though he did feel a bit guilty for withholding the truth of the situation from Janna, he swore to himself that he’d be honest about what really happened as soon as he felt able to. Janna was a mixed bag, and even though they were friends—at least, I think we’re friends?—he had no idea how she was going to take the information. He wanted to give himself time to come to terms with it all before trying to explain it to his and Star’s friends.

He had some things he needed to take care of, first. There was someone that he needed to apologize to, more than anything. Hopefully she was home.

His door creaked open, and he slowly made his way back down the staircase. His mother looked up from the book she was reading on the couch, her eyes lighting up with concern. “Marco?”

“I’m gonna go see Jackie,” he said quietly.

“Okay…that’s okay.” Angie stood up and crossed the room to stand in front of him cautiously. “Just… if you need to talk, I’m here for you, sweetie.” She extended her arms in an offering for a hug.

“I know.” He accepted her gesture and rested his head on her shoulder. “I just need to talk to her first.”

He headed out to the garage. It didn’t take long for him to wheel his bike out of the garage and suit up. He never really felt like taking his bike out was all that notable. Nothing would compare to when he tried to teach Star a couple months back, but she—

No, stop it, he told himself, shaking his head as if it would help unscramble his thoughts in any way. Stop thinking about her.

He was sure that the last thing Jackie needed was for him to suddenly show up on her doorstep in tears, especially when he had already done such a terrible job of communicating with her during his impromptu trip to Mewni. His only message to her about the entire situation had been incredibly brief.

Marco: I’m going to Mewni to make sure Star is okay. It sounds like something bad is about to go down there. I’ll be back soon, I promise. Love you

If he could go back in time a week, he would have done a better job of explaining himself. But it’s too late to worry about it now. I just need to focus on the present.

Once he’d shut the garage behind him, he headed off in the direction of Jackie’s house. His gaze rarely lifted from the street, and he couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact with any neighbors that he passed, out of fear of encountering someone who’d ask questions or demand answers.

It almost felt like some of the color in his life had been leeched away. The only thing that didn’t look any more faded to him was the moon, which was painted a vibrant and shadowy red, slowly climbing its way out of the magenta-colored morning sky—wait, what?

Marco rubbed his eyes fervently in an effort to snap himself out of it, but it didn’t work. No, his fears were completely correct, and he found himself staring up at the Blood Moon, hovering behind the clouds. It wouldn’t be visible for much longer before it sank behind the trees, but the fact of the matter was that it was here. It was still here, lingering in the background like a silent menace. A shudder ran up his spine as he watched it, unable to look away.

The front wheel of his bike suddenly collided forcefully with the curb, threatening to launch him over the handlebars. Miraculously, he managed to plant a foot on the ground to prevent himself from landing in a heap. He let out a trembling exhale as he stared up at it with an intense gaze.

Okay. Why it’s here isn’t important. You’re here to see Jackie, he repeated in his mind, over and over in the hopes that it would stick. She’s worried about you. You haven’t spoken to her in a week. You need to apologize.

With one last fleeting glance at the moon, he backed his bike away from the curb and continued down the road towards Jackie’s house.

✧·ﾟ: *✧·ﾟ:* ♦ *:·ﾟ✧*:·ﾟ✧

“King River has returned.”

Moon’s gaze snapped up from the book on dimensional travel she had been scouring through. Even if she had publicly said that returning Star wasn’t first on her list of priorities, that didn’t mean that she was about to drop all of her efforts. As she viewed it, her status as as queen was an entirely different person from herself. Queen Butterfly was the one who would look after the kingdom, and Moon was going to find a way to contact her daughter. But hearing the news of her husband’s return reminded her that this situation was far too great in scale to look at it in such a black and white way.

“Is he alright?” she demanded, standing up.

The guard nodded. “He appears to be, yes.”

Moon let out a breath that she hadn’t realized she’d been holding in. “Thank goodness…”

She left her notes behind and quickly followed after the guard. It was a slightly unusual scene that she walked into, as there were several large eagles perched around the foyer. But her husband was there, too, and that was all that mattered to her in that moment.

“Moon-pie!” he exclaimed, his eyes lighting up at the sight of her. Their common formalities were forgotten as both of them rushed towards each other and met with a tight hug in the center of the room. “I’m so glad that you’ve returned safely.”

“And I you,” Moon murmured, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I didn’t know how much more of this I could take...”

He pulled back from the hug to hold her hands instead. “You know, you really had me worried, leaving so suddenly!”

“I’m so sorry,” she apologized.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, because I do! But if you and Star had to leave so quickly, it must have been serious...”

She’d sworn to herself that she wouldn’t cry, but her composure was betraying her. “I’m so sorry,” she repeated, her voice choking up on the last syllable.

River frowned in concern. “Did something happen?”

“I-I tried— but I didn’t— Star, s-she— I couldn’t...” River brought a hand up to cup her cheek, and she met his gaze with sad, watery eyes.

“Moon-pie?”

She lurched forwards and buried her face in his shoulder, holding him close as tears began to flow freely.

The few knights that were left in the room lowered their heads and excused themselves from the room, granting them both some privacy.

✧·ﾟ: *✧·ﾟ:* ☾ *:·ﾟ✧*:·ﾟ✧

After a very brief internal pep talk, Marco was finally able to convince himself to knock on Jackie’s door. As anxious as he was to see her, he tried to focus on the floor as he waited, in the hopes of not overthinking anything.

When the door finally opened and he was face to face with her for the first time in an incredibly long week, he felt a grin take shape on his face. “Hey, Jackie—“

“Marco!” She darted forwards and caught him in a tight hug. “God, I was so worried about you, doofus!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m the worst.”

“No you’re not,“ she argued, holding him tighter. “I saw your message… but I sort of hoped you brought your phone anyways, just in case.”

“I can’t exactly get cell service on Mewni. Earth phones don’t work there,” he reminded her, chuckling halfheartedly. She laughed too, and it managed to brighten his smile a little. There was something comforting and familiar about hearing her laugh.

“I know! I know, it’s just… you left without much of a warning at all. First Star, and then you… you guys really scared all of us.”

“I’m really sorry. I should’ve talked to you first. I didn’t mean to make you worry so much.”

“It’s okay, Marco. I know you didn’t mean to.”

A beat of silence passed as he tried to think of what to say and she patiently waited. Where do I even start?

“Do you think we can go sit down and talk about everything? It’s… a long story.”

“Yeah, of course!” She nodded and beckoned him through the door. “Come on in.”

He followed her upstairs—after a brief hello to her parents—and took a seat in her desk chair. She sat down criss-crossed on the foot of her bed and looked at him expectantly.

Jackie was the first one that dared to break the temporary pause. Her voice was cautious. “I take it that something bad happened?”

Marco was surprised by her forwardness. “W-what?”

“I can tell you have bad news, Marco. Well, either that, or something exhausting happened. I can see it in your face.”

“Oh, uh... yeah, your first guess was pretty on point.”

Jackie frowned sympathetically. “I may not know much about this Mewni stuff, but hey, I’m probably easier to vent at than a brick wall, right?” She leaned forwards and put her hands in her lap. “So lay it on me.”

“...How much do you want to hear?”

“Tell me as little or as much as you want to. If it’ll help you feel better, I want to hear it.”

But there’s so much that’s happened! “Gosh, where do I start?”

“The beginning, maybe?”

Marco nodded, and, taking a deep breath to try and calm himself, he began his story.

“Well... there’s always been a bunch of monsters from Mewni that kept coming after Star. Their leader was named Ludo. He wanted her wand, but him and his lackeys are pretty incompetent, so they never managed to take it. Not until this guy named Toffee came along.”

“Toffee? That’s a weird name…”

“Yeah, I don’t really understand Mewni’s naming conventions, either,” he laughed. “Maybe it’s a normal name there. I mean, to be fair, most of Star’s family is named after celestial bodies, so it’s probably not that weird.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s fair.”

“Anyways, Toffee kind of showed up out of nowhere, and we could tell that this was a lot more serious than what we were used to with Ludo.”

“You didn’t ask anyone for help?”

“Star’s not exactly the type to ask her parents for help, so no, we just kind of dealt with it ourselves.”

Jackie pursed her lip. “That sounds like a really bad idea.”

“In hindsight, yeah, definitely. We had no idea who this guy was.” Queen Butterfly made it sound like he’s pretty infamous, he remembered, silently wishing he had asked for more information on Toffee when he had the chance. “He’s the only one who ever managed to take the wand. He kidnapped me, and then he tricked Star into—“

“Excuse me?!” She interrupted, somewhat outraged. “You got— you can’t just gloss over that!”

“But this isn’t about me!” Marco protested. “I’m perfectly fine now, so it’s no big deal.”

“If you’re that calm about literally getting kidnapped, I’m not sure how comfortable I am with you going to Mewni all the time...”

“It’s not a regular thing, I promise!”

“Okay, okay,” she sighed in defeat. “Fine. What happened there? Besides the whole hostage-taking thing.”

“He used me as blackmail to make Star destroy the wand.”

“I thought you said he wanted to take it?”

“That’s what we thought, initially,” Marco admitted. “He had Star use this really weird spell that set it off like a bomb. The whole castle blew up, Toffee included. We thought it killed him, but… well, it obviously didn’t. He came back.”

Jackie furrowed her brow, thinking for several moments. “Not to insult your storytelling or anything, but I’m really lost.”

“Yeah, I’m, uh... kind of skipping over a lot. Sorry.”

“It’s okay... I know there’s a lot to go over, probably.” She glances around her room once before an idea came to her. “Wait! What was up with the night of the school dance? In the graveyard, when that weird little bird dude showed up.”

“That’s Ludo,” Marco explained briefly. “Long story short... when Star tried to destroy the wand, it actually split it in two. Star kept the first half, and Ludo had the other one. That night in particular was when he stole the spellbook from Star.”

“What does that Toffee guy have to do with this?”

Marco tried to recall as much as he could about the days prior to Star’s disappearance, but the fact of the matter was that he hardly knew anything about Toffee’s involvement with the whole situation. There was obviously a lot more to it, far beyond his own knowledge.

“That spell Star used must have put him inside of the wand. For some reason, she used it again, and she got caught in the blast that time...” He took a pause, having a hard time thinking about those that few moments before she disappeared. “Toffee got out. Wherever the spell put him, it put her in his place. I think that might have been his plan all along.”

He was leaving out a lot of the details—he could tell from the slideshow of emotions on Jackie’s face that she knew his explanation wasn’t quite lining up—but frankly, he could hardly make sense of it, either. Even if he had visited Mewni several times now, everything about it and its magic was otherworldly.  He couldn’t imagine how crazy it sounded to someone who had never even been there.

It wasn’t that unlike the Neverzone, in that way, though Mewni was certainly a lot less intense. A few things had stuck with him once he left—mostly learned skills, like how to drive a dragoncycle or wield a katana—but all the rest of his memories of that place had faded in a matter of weeks. He supposed it was time shenanigans of some sort, but it was still weird to him that he had acquired these skills when he didn’t remember practicing them at all.

Jackie had remained silent, mulling over his words. In the temporary break in conversation, Marco went on, saying, “Apparently this guy has been involved with Star’s family in the past, but I don’t really know how.”

Finally, she spoke up, offering an idea of her own. “Can’t someone use the same spell, or something? Anything at all?”

Marco shook his head. “I don’t think it’s that simple. The wand seems to be broken for good now, and I think that’s the only way to get to where she is.” He stared at the floor as he was reminded of just how dire this situation was. “She’s trapped in a dimension that no one can get to, and… I can’t tell if that’s worse.”

Jackie immediately dipped her head in understanding, and her sadness was apparent on her face. “Gosh, this really sucks.”

“That’s a heck of an understatement.”

“You were there when this happened? I can’t imagine how hard that was.”

He nodded once, averting his gaze from her when he felt his eyes begin to tear up again. “It should be so easy, but it’s not… everything that could have possibly gone wrong did go wrong.”

Despite his efforts to hide it, Jackie was quick to notice his defensiveness. “Hey... come here.”

He hesitated for several second before finding the energy to move. When he got up, she stood as well and met him halfway in a hug.

“I-if I had known that was the last conversation I was going to get to have with her,” Marco mumbled, his voice never rising above a whisper, “I, I wouldn’t have just let her leave without—“

Wordlessly, Jackie pulled him in tighter, resting her head against his shoulder. “I know,” she murmured. “I’m so sorry.” Marco could tell from her tone of voice that she was upset, even if she wasn’t really showing it in the same way he was.

In that moment, he felt awful for subjecting her to all of it. She and Star knew each other, of course—it was hard for anyone not to be charmed by Star’s infectious personality—but he wasn’t sure if him dumping all of the information on her without warning was a fair way to relay it. I hope she doesn’t feel guilty about what happened.

Nobody should have felt responsible. Not Jackie, not Janna, not Marco. It felt awful to admit it, but Star had been a victim of bad circumstance, and that was all. It wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t supposed to be a mind reader.

A shudder went up his spine. But why do I feel so guilty?

“I’m so glad you’re here, Jackie,” he said, attempting to redirect his thoughts.

“And I’m glad you’re back,” she replied. “I’m so happy that you’re safe.”

At least he didn’t have to wake up for school tomorrow. That was something he didn’t think he could manage.

[narrylove-blog]

loving and hurting (a narry one shot)

the three times harry treated niall like shit, and the one time he didn’t (angst) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Word Count: 1918

“Harry, c'mon, please,” Niall whined, tugging at his boyfriend’s sleeve. They were on the couch, Harry busy on his phone and Niall begging Harry to take him out today. He was so desperate for Harry’s attention, even if its just a little bit of it. Harry’s been on his phone since this morning, and as much as Niall didn’t wanna be a nuisance, he just wanted his boyfriend to pay attention to him.

“For the last time Niall, I don’t wanna go out.” Harry sighed loudly, as if to imply what a burden Niall is being. Niall’s face falls a little, but he quickly recovers and tries one more time. “Please, Harry, there’s a special occasion today,” Niall pleads, hoping that Harry would finally be convinced.

Harry scrunches his nose, trying to think of what could be so important today. “Huh? What are you talking about?” Harry replies, not a single idea coming to his mind.

Niall’s heart drops to the pit of his stomach, “you-you don’t remember?” Niall’s so disappointed now, he thought that his boyfriend would remember his birthday. It doesn’t even matter to him if he didn’t get any presents from Harry, just knowing that he cared enough to remember his birthday would have sufficed.

“No,” Harry shakes his head, “is it important?” he questions. “No, no it’s not,” niall whispered with a heartbroken tone, which Harry didnt seem to notice. He goes back to his phone, while Niall stands up and exits the living room.

Niall doesn’t talk to Harry for the whole day.

Harry didn’t seem to care.

-

Harry thrusts into the woman underneath him, yelling obscenities as he moans at the intense feeling.

“Fuck, dammnit, you feel so good,” he grunts, already nearing his climax. He knew it was wrong, but he didn’t really care at that point. All he could focus on was the amazing sex he’s having and how good it was making him feel.

“Baby, I’m hom-”, Niall gasped at the scene in front of him. His boyfriend, his fucking boyfriend, has a woman underneath him and is fucking her in their house, in their bed, lying on their sheets, on their pillows. He watched as his lover came inside the woman, watched as his face became overcome with a blissed out expression.

It took about 30 seconds for Harry to look towards the door, his eyes showing panic as his brain tries to concoct an excuse that wouldn’t make him sound selfish or heartless.

He couldn’t.

“shit, niall, I didn’t know you were there,” he springs out of bed, while the woman tries to dress as quickly as possible so she could leave the predicament she was caught in. Harry stares at Niall, tries to search any sign of emotion, anger, sadness, anything, but to no avail. Niall couldn’t really feel anything at that point, refuses to believe that what he saw was actually happening. But it was, and as he realized that, he broke down sobbing. His heart felt heavy while he shed tears that seemed never ending.

Harry cautiously approached him, kneeling down to engulf the small blonde into his arms. Niall didn’t even try to fight him off, he wasn’t strong enough to do that so what was the point of trying?

“You’re not even drunk,” Niall sputters weakly. Harry didn’t respond, he just held the boy tighter in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” Harry offers a half hearted apology, not really meaning it. He wanted to feel guilty, he did, but he doesn’t. Niall’s shit in bed anyways, it’s not my fault i had to go to look for someone that would actually meet my needs, Harry bitterly thought.

Niall forgave him, Harry sounded so convincing.

Harry’s always been good at acting, Niall doesn’t know why he forgot that.

-

“Harry,” Niall whimpered. He was on his knees, hugging Harry’s legs. “Don’t leave me, please,” He wailed. He didn’t want Harry to leave him. He loved him so so much. Harry had been the perfect boyfriend for him, it hurts that the love of his life was actually leaving him.

“PLEASE, I’LL DO ANYTHING,” Niall yelled, his grip on Harry getting tighter. “I can be better, Harry. I’ll dress better, I’ll learn how to be better in bed, yeah. just please don’t do this.” Niall sobbed. But Harry, he wasn’t phased. He just kept on filling up his suitcase with his belongings, trying to get out of there as quickly as he can.

“Listen, Niall, there’s nothing you can do to make me stay. You’re just getting to annoying for my liking. And you were born bad in bed. No amount of practice will make you better in it. You’re just too bad at it. Accept it Niall, I’m too good for you. You knew from the start that you weren’t good enough for me. It was only a matter of time until I left you. Oh and just an advice, if you want to keep your next boyfriend, you shouldn’t be too clingy. No one wants someone who latches on to you like a leech. Goodbye, Niall,” Harry yanks his legs from Niall. No remorse for what just came out of his mouth. When his whole leg was able to escape Niall’s hold, he ran down the stairs without a second thought, leaving Niall broken.

The door clicked, and Niall knew it was over. He curled up in a ball, tears flowing down his face as his heart clenched to the point that he felt his heart about to burst. He would like that, actually. The thought of him exploding is nothing compared to the pain he’s feeling. He felt knives stabbing onto his heart, his skin, his body, and he knew he would never get better.

And hopefully, hopefully he was wrong.

-

Its one month after that Harry begins to notice that something is missing. That there’s a hole in his heart but he can’t seem to find what fits.

He begins missing the little kisses he got in the morning, the text messages he’d receive everyday that said, good luck at qork today, ill miss you xx -ni, the smile and he was met after a long day at work, the cooking he’d eat heaps and piles off, and the i love you he’d get every night.

Now that he’s alone, there was no one that would give him little kisses, no encouraging text messages, no smile or hug thzt would greet him after work, he’d order take out cause he’s too lazy to cook for himself, and no one to whisper i love you to him at night.

For the next three months, Harry searched. He searched for someone who could fill the void in his heart. He thought it was gonna be easy to find someone that does everything Niall does. I mean, he’s Niall. If Niall could do it then anyone can do it.

He was wrong.

No one else did the things that Niall did. No one was willing to be there for him behind closed doors. Everyone wanted to date him only because of his looks. No one made the effort to make dinner and give him kisses and send him messages. No one was able to love him like Niall did.

It was a Tuesday morning when he finally accepted that he needed Niall. That the void in his heart wasn’t just any void, it was a niall-sized hole in his heart. Only Niall could take that place. He feels so empty without the blonde boy with him. He threw everything inside his room, overwhelmed with the idea that he missed his Niall so much. He decided that he was gonna get his baby back, he had to, or else he was gonna go crazy with the pain he feels.

He tried calling Niall, he wouldn’t answer. He tried to go to their-well now Niall’s house, but he wasn’t there. He wanted to see Niall now, he wanted to see him so bad, and he was determined to see him. Something clicked in him, and he realized that there was one other place Niall could be: the mall. ……. He arrived at the mall and tried to search for a blond head. He looked and looked and looked, but Niall wasn’t there. He was about to give up when he saw him. He looks so beautiful, Harry thinks. He was dressed in tight skiny jeans with an oversized jersey reaching mid thigh. His hair was styled down, and looks so fluffy. Harry ran towards him.

Niall’s eyes widened at the sight of Harry. He hadn’t seen him in about what, four months now? He was shell shocked as he saw the boy he once loved standing in front of Niall begging him to talk to him. “Niall, can we please talk?” Harry asked, and Niall, though a bit wary, nodded.

“Niall, I know i made so many mistakes and I’m not asking you to forgive me right away but-” Harry was cut off by a puppy-looking boy wrapping his arm around Niall’s shoulder. “What’s going on?,” the puppy boy asked, curiousness laced in his voice.

“Umm,” Niall began, “Harry, this is my boyfriend, Liam.” And wow was that painful. Harry feels like a ton of bricks hit him in chest and he suddenly has a hard time breathing.

“Boyfriend?” Harry repeated, his voice cracking a bit. “Yeah,” Niall said, looking at Liam with adoration in his eyes. Just like the way he used to look at Harry. And it hurts, it really hurts. Harry just wants to go grab niall and take him home but he knows he can’t do that. He knows it wasnt his right to interfere with the relationship that made Niall happy. He didn’t wanna make Niall unhappy anymore. So he changed his mind. He wasn’t gonna try to get Niall back.

“Niall, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for everything. I made so many mistakes and I wish that one day you’ll be able to forgive me. I hope you and Liam will live happy, cause that’s what you deserve.” Niall had tears in his eyes and engulfed Harry in a tight hug. “Thank You, Harry,” he whispered in the younger boy’s ear. Harry wrapped his arms tightly around Niall’s waist, indulging in the intimacy, and wondering why he ever took since Niall’s hugs for granted.

When they pulled away, Harry turned to Liam and sternly told him, “Treat him well, okay?” Liam gave him a sincere smile and told him he was, pulling Niall’s body close to him and kissing his hair. Harry pretended that that didn’t hurt, but he supposes it’s only fair, given that Niall suffered too.

“Let’s meet up sometime, yeah? Liam and I have to go now but I really want us to be friends Harry.” Niall looked at Harry with pleading eyes. “Of Course, Niall.” He replied softly with a smile. “Well, goodbye Harry,” Niall said, him and Liam linking their hands together, the pair walking away from the green eyed boy. “Bye,” Harry waved at the happy pair, his heart breaking as Liam kissed Niall’s temple. “I love you,” Harry whispered in the air as he turned around, a few tears rolling down his face.

Then he smiled, cause he knows that Niall is smiling too.

It took him this long but he realized that that’s all he ever wanted, for Niall to be happy.

Even if it Niall’s happy ever after wasn’t with him.

[emodean]

help(ed)?

my mom has a nasty ex. an ex that has haunted our lives since since my sophomore year, hes a leech. hes verbally abused my mom a thousand times like…hes verbally abused her about us even. about my mom has raised us or how we talk to her (which we never do terribly).

anyways, we all cant stand this ex and tbh i wish he would just choke already but ya know. he brought over groceries for my mom and my sister and i…which of course i was so so thankful for bc earlier that day i had asked my mom what was for dinner and her face /sunk/ like i could just see her enjoyment from our walk wiped away by one simple question. it tore my heart in half to see her so nervous about a simple question…she told me ‘whatever we could find’ and it didnt upset me that we didnt have food but more so her reaction. i hate that she has to worry so much for my sister and i like. i wish we could just win the lottery bc all my mom wants is to be /safe/. i hate that she has to scrap up dollars and ask her ex or her sister for a couple hundred dollars to pay for this months rent..our landlord understands that she is struggling till she finds a steady new job but still…its worry some. especially our phone bill…i can never guarantee that my phone will be on next month- its too much of a burden on my mom and just financially its choking bc its another 200-300$ my mom has to get together for us.

but. back to the point of why im ranting.. i really am thankful to her ex/crazy clingy boyfriend thing that he really does care about my mom and he knew she was struggling and he didnt even ask my mom if she needed the groceries…he just told her “im coming by, i have a surprise for you” and he spoils my mom so much its really nice that my mom is treated right, i just…i wish he wasnt the type to go “well i bought you blah blah blah, i want it back!” when theyre fighting because thats literally all he does…i want to throw him the chancla whenever he does sigh. thankfully, my moms friend also really understands her situation and she is having a baby so she is letting my mom basically go fill in for her at her work..its not a lot of money but its a start of money flow for my mom to use for herself and us, like we could sometimes get away will alittle treat of ice cream at the store or just a quick, small meal at a restaurant. its not a lot for us but its nice…just being able to sit around my mom and tell her about my teachers being dicks or even my “friends” that give me tough times.

i never really say it but i appreciate my mom for all shes done and even though sometimes she does make me want to rip my hair out and kick and punch the walls…shes always held me up at my worst and ive held her up at her worsts too. i wish my older sisters would wake up and realize that their mom is actually struggling and to help her as much as they can, theyre ungreatful. anyways im ending this now before i go on a whole other rant…

[jess-oh]

reflection

hey journal,

im not fine. but im trying to be. or at least trying to pretend that im fine. 

im surprisingly good at pretending im fine when im not. the reality is, i still feel so miserable. i tried to just drown my sorrows away in the form of food and YouTube videos and i am left feeling just as empty as I did on Saturday. Listening to, “I’m Fine” over and over and over has allowed me to at least try and convince myself that im fine. 

i am upset with Amanda but it’s not because of anything she did wrong so i dont want to tell her why. im trying to protect the people i care about. i know im being irrational and just overthinking all of this and i just need to solve it and get over it to preserve my image and be of the utmost help for other people.

i dont want to tell jason how im feeling bc im worried he’ll just get mad and i know ive been too reliant on him in the past and i feel bad that i wasnt able to help him in the same way. i was sad he got more letters than me in his journal? well hes also just a better person than me. a part of me feels like i deserve the same amount, if not more letters than him because i put so much more effort into movement than he did. he never came out to the bible studies or prayer meetings and missed a whole bunch of sundays and i did my best to come out to every sunday and saturday and have been active on tuesdays. i feel like i do and sacrifice so much for movement but in the end, it doesnt even matter.

i feel really broken and i dont know why.

but ultimately, i know jason did better than me. bc he actually genuinely cared. i was just trying to prove i was worth something. i didnt act out of care. i acted out of pride. and people knew. their job isnt to reach out to me and give me a pat on the back for all the things ive done. their job has been to receive and act naturally in accordance with how God wants them to live. and i havent encouraged them. ive judged them. did i even do anything worthwhile this past year besides just leeching off other people? was i just a shitty person entirely?

im fine.

even when jason did feel down in the dumps, he still did care for them. i didnt. i just pushed people away.

i tried to be transparent and open and for what?

i think it encouraged joyce to speak up a couple times maybe. and i am glad david prayed for me. but as a whole, did i really ever do anything meaningful or worthwhile? or was it just all for show to make myself feel better.

i feel like im losing amanda.

i dont want her to feel bad for me or reach out to me just because she can. i want to actually be loved and cared for and i dont believe she does feel that way towards me anymore. i feel like ive been left behind. again.

and i know this was never her intention and i do genuinely want her to be happy which is why im journaling about all this instead of telling her how i feel. because i dont want her to feel guilty for the choices she made and i do genuinely want her to be happy. i know that she has been quietly suffering for a long time now and i do really want her to get better and if she is encouraged and challenged to do that through Johnathan, then so be it. I would rather she get help, even if it isnt from me. i do really care for her and love her and i want to write her and the rest of the MAST members a letter soon but i cant think super clearly right now.

i just keep beating myself up over and over and over for the things that i couldve done better. i couldve been a better friend. i couldve been more open. more attentive. more caring. more understanding. more open-minded. but i didnt.

and i guess the only thing to do from here is move on and look forward and figure out what i can do better.

i want to know what i can do better and the areas in which i fell short but im also so scared of finding out bc i already hate myself so much anyway and being told what i failed at would only add to this already heavy burden.

im fine.

i also just feel really bad because i feel like im taking such a huge step back by pushing people away and isolating myself. i know i have grown a lot this past year and i have been able to become more trusting of those around me and it has been really nice to know that i am cared for and loved by others. and in acting like how i am now, im worried pjosh and other people wont be proud of me anymore or the ways that i have grown.

have i even really grown at all? or was i always just forcing myself to make a different choice but now im just reverting back to how i naturally handle things? i dont want to disappoint them. i dont want to seem like a failure.

and God, i want to rely on you. I really do. But I can’t. Because at the end of the day, as much as I want to believe you and trust you and your pain, I really can’t understand why you’ve let me be in and put me through so much suffering and for so long. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I can’t handle it on my own anymore. I really can’t. It’s consuming me from the inside out.

i really want to call amanda and just clear everything up with her and be honest with her but i also dont want to hurt her. i know i can be too open and share too much and i dont want people to think something is mentally wrong with me bc that just means people will always look at me differently and pity me and never actually see me as human and i dont want that. 

when i asked amanda what we should do with our small group and proposed hanging out in evanston instead, i was hesitant to ask at all because i knew what the “right” move to make was and wasnt sure if we should just opt for the easier route so more people could come.

and i was worried she would just say it’d be better for more people to come so we should just all meet in evanston instead. i was surprised when she actually mentioned how the original agreement was to meet in chinatown so thats what she wanted to do. and with that, i pushed for chinatown again and was thoroughly surprised when david actually decided to come through and travel with us. and i was really happy we all got to spend that time together. it was only once and i was so discouraged everyone bailed last minute. but the fact seoyeon and david did come was really heartwarming and encouraging to me. and it was for her too. our kids are growing up.

im also salty that a good handful of our members wished for more small group outings. which, i understand. but, i feel like theyre discrediting the fact that amanda and i really tried to plan outings but things fell apart bc of their schedules a lot of the time. whether it was bc people backed out last minute or we couldnt find a time when we were all free or people half hearted committed but flaked out when the time actually came closer and didnt took it as seriously. i get that other groups, especially p. josh’s, had more hangouts and i am genuinely happy for them. and maybe our group wanted to have more fun times like that. 

was i just too serious this past year? and i didnt have as much fun as amanda? i always perceived her non-seriousness as a bad thing bc i thought she was just using it as a front to cover how much pain she was actually in. when she cried with me and actually shared her fears and insecurities, i felt how genuine that was. her normal “fake” personality didnt seem genuine to me. but maybe i was wrong. she does seem genuinely happy now. and im happy for her too. 

i know i have a big mouth and have spoken when it wasnt my place to and i am getting better at managing it. i just didnt realize shutting my mouth would hurt me so much.

everytime jason has given me one of these “talks” on what i can work on, i end up feeling more hurt than challenged to do better. and i am actively trying to work on everything he told me to do and i know he told me out of a place of care. but now i just feel so paranoid that i am constantly being judged and messing up in ways that im not even aware of. and it sucks.

but i also dont want jason to not tell me ways i can improve bc i do genuinely want to know and how to grow and get better.

i had the opportunity to go to northwestern and hangout with familiar people again yesterday but i didnt go. because i was afraid of seeing amanda and johnathan there. and i was afraid of feeling left out.

even though i didnt know anyone on the softball team and i was the only college student there, it was so much easier for me to be happy with them. i made friends and i didnt care what i said or how i was being perceived. i just did my best to boost our team’s morale and cheer everyone on and that made me feel genuinely better. even if it was just for a few hours. i didnt care how i acted and chances are, i wouldnt interact or even see them ever again. or at least not for a while. but with the college kids, i dont understand why it’s so hard for me to be real with them. i am so much more afraid of being judged and gossiped about bc i know i have to keep working with them and i will see them again the next sunday. or the next. or the next. or the next.

i got along really with songbee the other day and being friends with her makes me feel like im betraying jason bc i know he doesnt get along with her very well.

i got along really well with jennie lee the other day. why is it so much easier for me to get along with adults? anyway,

we got along really well and i definitely want to keep in contact with her and get to know her better. we joked around a lot and it was fun!

maybe thats why i get along better with the adults. because i have such a surface level friendship with all of them. but with movement, ive been open and vulnerable and i actually have more to lose so im more afraid to be myself.

hm.

but yeah, i just hung out with jenny chang’s family after and i really valued our time together and how much they take care of me. they feel like my picture perfect family that i never had growing up. they’re what i always imagined a family should look like. but mine never fit that description.

[soarinsora-blog]

Adventure tales! Elex Sora, the warrior of light

CHAPTER 0: PROLOG

Hello world. My name is Elex Sora and this is my journal! Let's see now, we're first supposed to tell a little about ourselves in these, I am 14 and I'm the younger brother to my sister Chandra, I have always been a rather fast growing boy my father says, he's even the one who gave me this journal to keep all of my thoughts in order! He says that a great scholar is one who writes his theories down, I dont really want to be a scholar like him but my sister does, their actually in the study right now. Dad says the study is a free zone so aslong as we clean up we are always welcomed into the study.

Today I went into the pantry and found a rat, it was huge! I didn't know what to do so I found a wooden stick and chased it off, dad heard the commotion and ran in to see what was happening, when he saw I was chasing a rat with a stick he simply walked away and came back with a cage, I helped by chasing it into the cage, my dad is so smart!

Its been awhile since I last picked this book up, I really was childish all those years ago wasn't I? Well I'm 17 now and well I guess this book does have one important thing in my life, it was the first time I ever actually wielded a weapon, that was a real spark in my life since afterwards I tried everything I could to whack things with. My father disapproved of my actions and told me the blade is a brutes weapon and that the mind is thr true warriors blade, but I didn't see the mind work as well as a blade when someone broke into our house and I had to break his hand to stop him from breaking anything, no it was the stick I had been carving into a sort of maul for a few months now that stopped him from continuing, although I do feel a little sorry for the guy, i heard my sister talking with dad telling him how they didn't need to call the guard and that she would handle him, I wasnt sure but I swear I heard excitement come from dads voice, I feel sorry for whatever may have happened to that burglar.

I was right to worry! A week after Chandra took the burglar I've been hearing strange noises and noticing an increase in vermin within the house all focused around this wall, well I inspected it and found that it was a false wall, having mo idea what it was I went into its darkness and down a spiral staircase, there i saw something beyond .y eyes, I saw the dead covering nearly every foot of the room, the stench was horrid and putrid. What has been going on in here?! They were all seemingly caged and imprisoned so I explored abit, it wasnt until I came across a small boy, his flesh rotten away reveling the bone yet still moving, he looked up at me with eyes, expresionless eyes, eyes that will haunt me forever. When I turned around I saw both my father and Chandra watching me, Chandra had this biggest smile and staring straight at the child yet my father was watching me with his own blank eyes, these are the kind of eyes he'd get when watching a professor who came by to learn under him.

I was mortified by their reactions, they had no emotion towards this child, this child that was taken from its home, taken from its family, my family are monsters, I know this now, i can't live in this house knowing how vile my own family is. We have always been respected as a wise family but the truth is we are nothing more than putrid flesh willing our bones to move, I'm leaving this family, I'm buying a sword and going on a boat to somewhere else, somewhere without this dreaded family.

CHAPTER 1: DREAMSTRIDERS

I have arrived by boat shortly after leaving my families home, this entrance alone needs alot of explanation but in short I left my family in search of an answer, i want to know if what they do is normal, if everything even the kidnapping is accepted by society. Since I spent most of my life with my family I dont have any true answer to it, I just know that it feels wrong.

When I arrived I noticed a strange feeling in the air, it felt almost like my family was here but this feeling had a different feel to it, not an ever changing feeling but a leeching one, as if the town was surrounded by an invisible barrier that drains those on the inside.

I walked around getting a feel for the town, I hadn't noticed this before but it seems oddly dark for it to be in the late afternoon; there has also been many complaints from the residents of the town, I've heard of a priest in the tavern that is offering aid for the dreams, I'll find work for the day so that I can eat tomorrow and find out what he knows, perhaps my family has its fingers in more places than I thought.

Before I went to bed from the night, which was heavily overpriced, I met a strange elf who hadn't really spoken much, from the few words he did say he asked if I needed help, i told him that i would be unable to pay him but when i could I'd be leaving this town and travelling, he seemed excited by this and offered to be my companion, he told me that he was rather effective at healing and could deal some damage when needed, I agreed to this, now I have no money left since i had to pay for two rooms, I hope tomorrow is profitable.

When I awoke the next morning I found two large rats laying ontop of me, I quickly tried to get up and go for my sword but their reaction surprised me, they didn't seem mean or gruff, they were actually kind of friendly with me, it's odd but they seem to want to follow me. I hope I can get the money to feed them too.

I spoke to the priest, he seemed to be hiding something but was sincere in his desire to help the people of the town, he said there was a demon of sorts residing there consuming everyone's dreams, I do not believe this is the work of my family, in all my life I have never known any of them to consort with demons, rather they would become the demons themselves. But ruining a town needlessly? They wouldn't do so for long.. they tend to get bored or find a solution not requiring the town before getting bored. I've offered to help the priest to the tower and put an end to the cursed dreams, I must know for certain if my family is involved.

We've reached the temple but as we did we were attached by demonic beasts that could only resemble gremlins but thin to the bone and putrid from the smell, with the three of us they were easy to defeat after the initial shock of them, the two rodent friends unfortunately did not make it out of the attack, I'll have to bury them when I get back to town.

I have returned to the town from the temple, alot has happened but unfortunately I could not make enough gold to pay for a nights rest, for now I'll keep myself dry from the rain on the blacksmiths benches. When we entered the temple I found myself in between a conflict of two sides, cults vs bandits, and both were more than willing to attack me. As we got deeper the priest confirmed my suspicion of being more than what meets the eye, he told me that he was once part of this cult and that he had fled before a sort of gas took hold of everyone freezing them in time. About halfway through the temple we came across a barrier, there was no way to cross this barrier but the priest had an idea, he thought that we could use this potion which would allow for a state called "dreamstriding" this is where you dream then appear somewhere else, I truthfully dont understand the full ordeal but when i drank it i was transported away into another body, I could move but it felt as if I were being guided to follow what history laid out, in fact being able to move was about all I could do, I could not interact with anyone or anything, only run. The end of the dream stride came when I pulled a lever releasing the gas, that's when I appeared on the other side of the barrier, able to pull it down. At long last after fighting past both cultist and bandit we came across what was referred to as the "skull of corruption." It was apparently the source of the dream leeching, it was guarded by two cultists, the priest seemed to know them, they in turn called him a traitor for running. Suffice to say we reached the skull and it was just a skull on a stick, that's if I didn't feel the demonic power emanating from it, the moment the pure raw energy touched my skin I knew my family had no relation to this scheme, I'm not sure how I should feel about knowing this, that there are other forces at work aside from my family causing this danger to others, I suppose I should be glad that my family has principles yet its discomforting to know nevertheless. For now I have a new feeling, something to the west brings a terrible feeling, as if something powerful will be uncovered soon, something that is far more powerful than the demon of dreams. I must also confirm that the sun really has vanished, at first I thought it was simply the demons influence but now that it's gone I am no longer so sure. Ps i hate the snow, it makes me feel weak.

I awoke drenched in rain, it seems the benches were a bad idea, it was still raining and since we were already soggy we decided to head out, as we were walking west I noticed something move put of the corner of my eye, a stopped and started for a moment but nothing happened, just as I turned to continue walking a tree thruster itself from the air and threw a massive snow ball at me missing by only a foot, under the tree was a massive block of ice moving as if it were a person, I ran as it prepared more snow.

Further along the road I came across a building, a soldier stood guard there so I believed them to atleast not attack me on sight, inside were men and women dressed in robes armor, they called themselves vigilantes and hunt demons of any kind, they said they were there because of the rumours of a dream thief in the town from whence I came from but when they arrived everyone was happy and well rested, they asked around but everyone said the priest had cured them of their nightmares, when they tried to visit the priest he was covered in a party and so were unable to speak with him. I asked if anything was to the west, they told me the only thing to the west is a half drowned city and a mage college, otherwise nothing was happening in that direction. Maybe the college is where my feeling is coming from, I truly hope this isn't what it feels like it is.

CHAPTER 2: THE VIGILANTES AID

I left the vigilantes cottage and moved along the road, there what I saw horrified me, creatures that even my father would put down as a mercy were attacking a fort, the soldiers caught well but the fleshy abominations were too fast and too powerful, in fact when they spotted me they covered distance previously unimaginable, what is this strange land I find myself in, why are there beasts so horrific that even my family would scoff at its make, I thought that I would leave my home to find good people, people who live without the need for magic or atleast did not have the power hunger my family does, I see now that my family is not the worst, that they are in fact tame compared to the rest of the world, and though they may seem cruel they still have their principles. This feeling I have in the west is too great still, I'm goin to find out what this feeling is and stop it, afterwards I will see what can happen.

I know it may seem cowardly but I wrote the last entry right after fleeing from the said abominations, I ran back to the vigilantes and under some gods grace they offered to teach me their ways, they taught me more effective armor techniques and how to effectively use a sword and shield to not only block arrows but to enchant a shield using your own mana to create a sort a ward diminishing the effects of magic casted on you by the shield, it effectively makes the shield useable in any form of combat. They taught me magic that can destroy demons and even taught me how to enchant my blade to destroy the undead forces of the world and to heal my fellow man, the abominations taught me the true horrors of man, these vigilantes taught me that man will stand even against other worldly horrors. I believe that I am finally ready to set out to the college and find out what is happening.

As I was leaving a young vigilante ran towards me carrying a large cloth, he said the master of the cottage wante8d to give this weapon to me, he said that when all vigilantes pass their trials a blade is rewarded to them, a blade to trial the undead with. I uncovered the sword and under the cloth laid a bountiful silver blade, echted into the blade were runes of magic, I could not make out what the runes meant but I know with it I can kill the hordes of the dead standing between me and the possible end of the world as we know it. The same boy who gave me this sword also asked to travel with me, he too has trained to defeat the demons as I have but with one exception, the master of the cottage has deemed him unable to travel alone, and because of recent events the vigilantes are being called to action, since I will be traveling alot I will also meet with alot of undead, for now I will simply clear a path for those that wish to flee the cottage, I have a feeling that soon it will be no more..

With my training from the vigilantes and the aid of one of their own I managed to cut down the abominations the terrified me before, unfortunately even after their death they are still as disgusting as ever, once dead they act as a sort of disease bomb, I am all too thankful my newfound companion is well versed in the medical aspects of the training whereas I took closer to combat.

I cut a path through to a nearby fort, they too were under siege, it was so bad that I saw two sides of a war fighting together side by side as vampires and massive abominations charged the keep, I was unfortunate to have arrived late, as my group and i killed the rest of the dead the guardians if the fort fell, all that remained in the end was my group, we decided to continue on towards the college, but if theres some way to stop these attacks I must act towards it.

I am such a fool! I took a night in an inn which was fine and dandy, it seems over priced is normal in this land for a nights rest, but what I didn't mean to do is take a right, the path seemed so straight forward I hadn't even noticed that I took a right turn, i only noticed when i came across a sign post, what am I to do but to stay in this town? Though my anxiety has increased I still have this feeling about this town.. it's more like a misty kind of feel, I'll take a look around but if I'm right I'll have to find someone to help explain these feelings I get, I'm doubting its family heritage.. or was I part of an experiment? The last part is definitely not comforting, but it does make me feel uneasy.. in either case I'll spend the night in the city and double back and go down the right road in the morning, aside from growing tensions between races in this city there doesnt seem to be any other problem.

I was talking to the patrons at a local tavern and it turns out someone called the butcher has been killing people at night, I wasnt sure if this was the feeling I was getting when I entered but I would certainly rest better knowing such a person was locked away, I couldn't actually afford a room to rent for the night but theres a bard who seems to enjoy playing her music so atleast there is some ambience while I sit next to the taverns flame.

While I was resting I found a small girl, she told me how her mother died while she was small and how her father left to fight in the war plaguing this land, she doesnt seem to want to accept gold at this time, I seem to have caught her trying to rest by the fire just like myself, I may not have much coin but I will be sure that she has a large portion of it before I leave town, maybe they'll give a discount to her since she's a child and could actually afford the food unlike me.

When morning came the girl seemed better rested then the night before, she was even willing to sell me her flowers, now she has enough gold to spend a night in the inn, I hope she has enough money to find some food until she finds a home.

Unfortunately I have heard nothing about the murders aside from a name, i am forced to move on, with luck I can find some game along the way back and some water, I'm running low on supplies.

While I was returning back to the road I noticed some goats crossing my path, due to my lack of food i decided to chase one down, they were unfortunately too fast for me, and so I fashioned a bow made from spare sticks I found, with it I managed to kill and got a goat, atleast now I have food to last me until I get to the college.

It took longer then I admit it should have bit I noticed that the vigilante was missing, I talked to my magic friend, all he spays is that he left to do some extra work, I truly do hope I see him again, I've come to grow fond of his company.

I feel sick to my stomach. As I was walking along the road I came across a fort, it was taken by the undead but not only them accursid necromancers accompanied them, using their magic they conjured a huge mountain of flesh, it was horrific, as hands it had a large torch and an axe, this beast was made for fighting but the worse part was its decaying form, it just slide right off, the beast itself seemed unaffected by my companions sword, mine however it seemed afraid of, in the end I could not best its strength and called upon the powers that the vigilantes had shown me, using the power inside of me I gathered the power if the sun and launched it towards the mammoth, it seemed that the beast was not prepared for such an action as it crumbled into a paste like goo, the power of the sun was stronger here then I elsewhere I suspect, without a sun to cover the sky the creatures themselves had turned dark and twisted, I must keep this in mind when fighting the creatures of the night, that the vigilantes secret magic can save the world.

As I was leaving I was attacked, this was no ordinary attack, this man was an assassin sent to kill me, why me? What have i done to earn the scorn of someone that they'd send an assassin after me? Maybe it was my family, maybe they found me and have sent people after me so that I'd keep quiet about their "experiments." Regardless the college cannot wait for such things, I must get there soon and find out why I have this dreadful feeling.

I have finally arrived in the town the college is in, after all this time and it's still a frozen wasteland, no matter, I went to the shop and sold off a few items I found fighting the necromancers, I picked up a few books they had laying around and it turns out those books are worth more than just their weight in gold, I finally have the money to spend a night in a good bed, it's been too long since I've had a peaceful nights rest and maybe later i can even buy some supplies, no more hunting just so I can survive another day for me, atleast for a week.

CHAPTER 3: A MAGICAL SOLUTION FOR A MAGICAL PROBLEM

I have arrived at the college, to pass I must simply show that I possess some magical ability, it seems how magical doesnt matter, I simply casted some light and that allowed me passage, inside I found strange golden statues, atleast I thought they were statues until one of them moved, I'm not sure what these things are but they seem magical in nature, around them feels warm and pleasant, much better than being elsewhere in this freezing cold. The college has offered me a bed, this is more than I have ever received! All just for being a student here, though I am excited it quickly turns to horror as I walk into the main halls of the college I found disturbing creatures, namely a floating tentacle monster in the center of the room, this strange beast had me distracted from the lesson I was attending, perhaps it was because i was distracted that the professor called upon me to demonstrate safety in magic, he asked me to create a magical shield in which he would test by throwing a fireball at, luckily my time with the vigilantes helped me create the shielding, with my experience I have passed the test, our next test is a practical one, we are told to meet up at some ruins, there we will excavate it for a y magical artifacts; to me this sounds like busy work but for now I have no leads for the feeling I have about this place.

I have reached the meet up location, I was assigned to a teacher already present in the excavation, I was tasked to find items of magical power, near instantly I had found and picked up a necklace which unbeknownst to me was a trap, spikes rose up blocking my path, the teacher for the trip appeared on other side, he said the amulet may do something, and so I put it on and surprisingly it did do something, the wall which the necklace was on began to glow, I decided to blast it with a holy sun ray, the same kind I used on the fleshy mountain, to my surprise the wall crumbled beneath the suns ray revealing a path and also opening the spike wall, I question the validity of this trap or if it ever was a trap at all, maybe the people who built this wall wanted this passage to be discovered, in either case the teacher and I continued through the passage until we met with what seemed to be a dead end, the was until I noticed the air grow still, even the teacher did not move, a ghastly apparition had appeared before me. The apparition warned me that what I have done is about to release a dangerous artifact, one that could destroy the world, but judgment will not pass to me as I had no way of knowing about such things.. if seemed to me that I had caused what I looked to avoid, i wasnt called here to stop the problem, I was called here to create the problem, while it is true that anyone could have stumbled across it I find the fact that, who came here to stop the world from happening, started the end of the world, I know not what I have done at this time but I do know that if there is a way to reverse my actions it must be done.

The room opened up and a swarm of the undead surrounded us, this was nothing to fear for the holy light blasted away each creature that showed its face, once all dead was turned to ash a path was opened to us. I opened a door and on the other side I saw a magnificent blue sphere, this sphere had writing etched into it, the blue was soft as if sky blue with gold inlays, its guardian was a single man, a single undead man which could not get past the suns might, on its body was a note, it seemed that this man was imprisoned here for crimes unknown, I dont know if I helped him find release or if his crimes were worse upon death, I can only hope that his life was not in vain.

The teacher asked me to go back to the college and report our findings to the head master, with post haste I quickly marched back to the college with the report.

After reporting to the head master he talked me with finding out more about this sphere that we found, he pointed me in the direction of the library and said to start there. I went to the library which was run by an orc, he said the information I was looking for was stolen and pointed me to where it was taken to, I'm starting to feel like an errand boy.

Before I left to find these thieves I asked the orc the question that's been on my mind for the longest time, what happened to the sun? He told me that long ago there was once a sun in the sky, but a vampire lord had taken it and has refused to return it, it doesnt make sense to me because while I lived with my family the sun was still there, but with how the orc explained it it sounds like most people dont even know what the sun is, what kind of land have I sailed to?

I asked him about the vigilantes aswell, he told me they were the last remaining people still fighting the vampires after the dawngaurd was destroyed, there are books on the subject, many layered with dust, but what I sought now was the connection the vigilantes had with the sun, since the spells they had taught me revolve around them so much, I have to wonder why cottage master taught me these things, I have seen no other using spells attuned to the sun, why am I the only one? I believe I have gotten all that I need from this library, i must continue on and when i have the chance ask the cottage master about these questions I have.

I have arrived at the fort, this place is packed with horrific undead creatures, I see giant mounds of flesh, tortured abominations and so much more, this place must be cleansed, I must destroy every dark creature here, whether it be for their mercy or their doom. With such number stacked against me I could never win, however i have one last trick up my sleeve, the ultimate form of the sun capable of annihilating everything in its path, I called upon the suns judgment which after a minute of collecting sun light blast down and burns every living creature, unfortunately those that are inside will be safe making me have to go in there to clean them out, fortunately it means the books are safe from the suns fire. I competed the ritual while sitting above the fort on a cliff, I could smell the fire as it came down, when it landed the light was blinding, it was a full minute before I could regain my sight, bellow me were burnt corpses, nothing moved, nothing survived the suns judgment, this is truly the ultimate move the sun has to offer. Walking among the burnt it was almost peaceful if not for the smell, the smell from the fires alone before they touched ground were enough to make most men scrunch their noses, but this smell is far worse, I've covered my helmet with layers of cloth but nothing helped the stench, I'll have to keep this in mind if I ever use such power again, though I do not believe I will be able to until this day next week. Inside were even more dead but by far less than what were outside, I found new abominations, most looked tortured others looked summoned, in either case all had to be destroyed. After a long a bloody fight I reached the top of the forts tower, there stood a female and a lich, the female spook first telling me that it's best I leave else I would die, now i just murdered hordes of the undead to get here, I will not turn away just because some girl with a lich says I should leave. And so i dashed a rosy the room, I suppose I surprised her because I loved her head off easily, the lich on the other hand did not go down as easily, it created shadows we could not defend against, I was forced to use my suns magic once more just to eliminate the shadows, but the lich was prepared, he had created a boarder around us dispelling my magic, only he had magic now, I did what any warrior could do, i stood up, ran right at him and bashed its face with my shield, this stunned it for just enough time allowing me to jump up and loge my blade straight through its chest. At first the lich seemed to smile at me but then that smile turned to terror as it burst into flames, the blade itself was enchanted with the suns holy blaze.

Now with the books in hand I returned to the college and handed them to the orc, I then had to speak wit the teacher again before an elf belonging to an odd faction appeared to take me away, he told me a man from an organization this his own has outlawed asks for me by name. He seems oddly agitated though from the glares he gets it seems to be his normal attitude, and so we went up stairs and there was the apparition I saw before but now as a flesh and blood creature, this was certainly odd, as I approached him the air became still just as before.

He told me of the artifacts dangers and that very soon someone within the college will attempt to misuse the artifact, unfortunately he had no more information on the subject but he did give me a name and a location, unfortunately the name is unfamiliar to me and the location is the college itself, I shall speak with the head master due to the sensitivity of this mission, I'd rather not let whomever is about to use the artifact know that I am on their trail.

I spoke to the headmaster, he seemed agitated at the name, he told be to instead talk to my teacher about this man that I am searching for. I wonder what kind of person this is if the head master himself dislikes him so.

I've spoken to my teacher about this man, it seems that he was once ana accomplished mage, delving into the heart of magic like none have seen before, but as the story goes he became too focused on his work which lead to some sort of accident; I hope to ask him about this accident when I see him, for now I shall go under the college in search of him. Let's hope he's more forthcoming about information than others have been.

It has become apparent to me that I have not described why these abominations are so grotesque to me. I left for the underground and found more tortured bodies, though I am not believing to not be tortured but instead enjoy the alterations made to their bodies. I am staring at one that I had just killed for instance, it has no legs under its thighs, what it uses for let's instead are pegs made from some sort of black material, each leg has joints connected into its flesh, I assume this is how it can move the legs around. On its chest it's a gruesome sight, writing in a language I know not of Mark's its torso, I nthe center of its chest cavity is an open wound allowing me to peer inside of its chest, I can see its organs and that they are all intact, in fact the organs are almost human like in nature. Attached to its nipples are metal clippings which has wires attached to a collar. His head is in a jar and has metal contraptions protruding from his skull, there is no writing here but his face is a mix of blood from either cuts or from the metal entering its skin. Its eyes and mouth are sewn shut but I can see even in death a smile across its face. It has a hand on its left side but the right side has only a metal claw, I'm unsure what the use of such a claw is aside from it being a weapon. On its left side its entire lower arm is gone, even its elbow is replaced by these metal parts. This is all without mentioning the stretch marks on its skin from what I can only assume to he a stretching mechanisms work. What kind of cruel monster would do such a thing to other people? What kind of cruel monster would enjoy such things being done to their bodies? This land is dark to it's very core..

I have spoken to this mage, he is no longer a mage but more closer to being a ball of pure energy, he has told me the grumpy one was here, he didn't elaborate but I thought of the mage who believes himself as a sort of advisor for the college. He also told me that I needed a staff, one made from the same cloth as the artifact itself. This is all before he vanishes, I could not ask him about his time here or what the incident was, all I can do now is report it to the head master.

I've spoken to the head master, to find the staff he says I must search for another group that seeks to find the staff aswell, he happened to know of such a group who came by a month back believing the college held the staff, after awhile they bregrudely left for some old ruins. I must search for them to gain the staff, with luck they already have it and would be willing to let us use it.

I have reached the ruins and I have never before seen such a place, the entire building is made seemingly from metal, it looks to be almost copper or gold or even electrum. I have never before believed such a place could exist.

At the entrance I met a monk, or a scholar maybe. it seems the ones I'm looking for have yet to leave, this is good news but from what I can tell they dont have the staff with them, maybe I can find out more as I continue.

I've killed many beasts but this one is different, these are no more beasts or even the creation of horror I've become accustomed to fighting, these are living breathing humanoids. Their blind and frail certainly but their strength is high, these creatures are certainly formidable though I'm concerned for their health, they seem to be poisoned.

There are traps within these walls! I was about to charge at one of the blind creatures trying to catch them off guard when another appeared and set off a trap, blades whirled from the ground cutting the blind creature in half, it had almost gotten me if it weren't for me falling from a pool of blood. I really have to be thankful for the little things, even my own clumsiness.

I have reached what I could only describe as a politician's stage, ontop of the stage was a blind one but this one had a strange staff, ontop of it laid a crystal like contraption which seemed oddly out of place with the environment, as if it tried to mimic the ancient buildings surrounding me but failed to do so adequately. In the end I killed more blind ones, the contraption seemed useful to me and so I took it off the stick it was on and carried through to the next door. It was locked but I could hear muffled voices from the other end, I have not heard the blind ones speak so i assumed it to be a survivor from the group i was sent here to discover. I knocked on the door and right away the voice cried out in excitement, it seemed he believed I was someone else presumably the one I found at the entrance. He opened the door and was shocked to see me instead, shock turned to despair as he wailed about the lost aligning crystals, hat was until he spotted the object glimmering from my bag. As it turns out the object I took from that blind one was exactly what he needed. With the object now in his possession we walked along the corridor, along the walls I saw many items all of which were either food or drink with a few bed rolls layed across the flooring. At the end of the corridor was a large door, larger than those prior. At the base of the door was a small crevice which the scholarly man pressed his fingers into, opening the door. On the other side was an amazing spectacle, it was a large sphere made from the same almost golden metal as the rest of the building, stained glass walkways led to its top, at the top where large hills of the same stained glass, on the ceiling directly above were similar stained hills, together they seemed to make a pattern. Between the two was another contraption, this one seems to be a focusing agent for light shined down through an empty space in the contraption. When the scholar placed the crystals into the empty slot the whole room lit up, it was a map of the entire realm, everything was there, from the city I rescued from the nightmares to the college itself along with many other places on the map, cities far to the west, the south even a bright one far to the east, further than this land seems to hold. But the scholar still seems displeased..

I asked him why the sour look and he said the cities should not be the only places on the map, that the map should adjust to magical artifacts rather than just the cities themselves. He went back to the crystals and after tampering with them for a minute the map changed from showing the cities to just two bright blips on the map, the college and a location far to the west. Upon seeing this the scholar grew into a fit matching to me yelling at me for disrupting his work, when I asked how I disrupted it he accused me for being a spy and sent here to make sure his work would not be finished. I tried to talk him out of the delusion he had created but none of my words could get through. In between the yelling I had heard him ask what we could have so power that it would disrupt everything, that's when the idea came to mind, that maybe just maybe the separate bright blip was somehow connected to the artifact, or if nothing else may shed some light on where I could find the staff. Before I could leave to report my findings the scholar blasted a wave of fire towards me, if it were not for the magic imbued into my shield taught to me by the vigilantes I may not have been able to come out in one piece, unfortunately now this man will not step down from his fighting stance, his flames kept coming, each wave getting blocked by my shield, it seemed to me that fighting was the only way out.. that was until my companion who had been hiding out behind the two of us casted his own spell, I'm not sure how he did it but the spell seemed to calm the scholar down, put him I na trance even, there was no need for blood shed on this day thanks to my friend, I will have to ask him about it in case I may be able to cast such a spell and prevent spilling blood needlessly.

Once I got back to the college something odd was happening, inside of the main halls had the artifact in the center, not only that but the advisor was hitting it with pure mana and erected a barrier between him and us. The head master was trying to get through but to no avail. It seemed that whatever is happening will be happening for awhile with nothing that we could do. The head master noticing this he turned to me and asked where the staff could be found, I told him about the map which he replied with only conformation, it seems that once when he was younger, he and a group of other mages thought they could take on the beast the lived there, unfortunately they failed and if the staff was in that area the creature would be sure to have it.

It was thus my new duty to go to this location and find out what could be there, before I left the head master gave me one last request, that I end the nightmare residing there once and for all and handed me the key to enter the labryth.

The road to the labryth was straight forward from the college, just a long track west and I would be there.

It's been a long nights travel to the labryth, it seemed almost like the means of the dead whistled through the cold night air, there were no inns throughout the trip, to survive the freezing nights my companion and I had to build a fire, it help stave the cold away but the nip was still there. It was times like this, when the air is still with only the noises from the west filling the air when we could really settle down without any distractions, my companion who had seen nearly every one of my battles yet was silent throughout the adventure, I truthfully nearly forgot about him though not for long as my enjoyment for his company grows fonder. We have never spoken about our pasts to each other, we have known only what is current to us both. To lighten the mood I pulled from my bag two bottles of ale, with the recent coin that I've been making from selling the trinkets I've collected i managed secure some funding, though I cant buy a house with it i can buy enough ale and food to keep us going on our journey. While we drank I asked my companion about his life and why he chose to accompany me through my journey, he stared at me for a moment, his drink resting in the snowy ground, before speaking.

"Long ago I was part of a group that wanted to control these lands." He told me. "I however did not share these views, I believed that no matter who controls land someone else would aswell, you can tell how true it is even now, this land for example once had a sun, it was once bright and the natives would laugh and enjoy the world even ruling amongst themselves, sure there were wars among cities but each house followed traditions, each house understood the value of human life and would not allow their people to suffer needlessly; though this was when declaring duals were a common tool to acquire something, be it land or money or even man power in the cases of so called wars. back then the wars were settled by the strongest, each house had their champion which was to be used in battle, these were honorable battles fought to pronounce who were truly the strongest and rarely ended in death, it was believed that if a warrior lives they may fight again but stronger, these warriors took that to heart and though there are those who'd call the cowards for leaving a battle, they always came back more preapred and ready for destruction. This was very prominent in the war with the empire. The people of this land have always settled things with individual strength and indeed they are very powerful warriors, but their ideals of living another day were their downfall. When the empire came they demanded the houses to stand down and become part of the empire. This demand was steadily refused by each house, in response they sent a single man to the empire, seven men in total approached the armies of the empire, these seven men are said to have ridden in on horse back, each carrying a spear as long as two men and a blade which gleams under the moonlight. These men rode up and faced the armies of the empire and demanded to face their strongest as tradition dictates. They say the laughter from the empires men were so great that even the furthest house heard them. Perhaps the empire felt generous on that day but they did send out their greatest warrior, a large man drenched in armor plating and wielding a large blade, this man towered all others, his blade the size of a man. He approached the warriors and said to them 'any man brave enough to stand before me do so now' and waited for their response. Silence came while they gauged their new opponent, never before had they believed such a giant could exist, but they were the strongest and they wanted to know he were truly as strong as he looked. Dismounting from their horses they held out their spears towards the mammoth of a man, once they took a step forward the giants sword flew through the air breaking through the lone of spears. It was known at that moment how difficult this man would be. Still they readied their swords for battle and charged, the giant sword came crashing down into the earth causing it to shake as the men ran down the beast. The beast was taking every blow they threw at him, it seemed that nothing was working, their blades could not penetrate his thick armor. That was until the youngest of the seven picked up a broken spear and thrown it straight into the giants eye, nothing else worked but this gave hope that if they kept trying they could pierce the giants flesh. Unbeknown to these men the empires soldiers drifted away from the fight, a small raiding party had formed and was heading to the nearby villages. As they fought the beast smoke filled the horizon, shock filled their bodies as they realized what had happened. The empire was not going to keep its word, the empire could not even wait for a dual to finish, it wouldn't matter if they fell to or killed the giant, the empire would still March forward. A storm had approached from the east limiting sight for all caught inside. The seven men, now certain defeat would come no matter what, mounted their horses and left for home.

Once they returned to their homes the vampires armies invaded meeting little resistance, though the people of these lands are strong they did not wish to fight. In the end the empire won the cities, the houses were destroyed and now even after 200 years the people of this land resent the empire for their betrayal to traditions, it was only recently that an actual army was formed here, a rebellion strikes out to return the people to how they once were. Only issue is new houses were formed, the empire allowed each city to govern itself but used the empire as a main branch, whichever law the empire declared forced the cities to adapt, because of this different factions have popped up, one one city is neutral for now, commonly the east supports the rebels and the west supports the empire. Just as I said before, no matter who owns the world, other people will own it too."

My companion told me this story, it was long and filled with history I hadn't known before, now the two waring states have a reason in my mind to fight, though it is still not a fight I want to be part of. No I am fighting another war, a war that's afflicting this land like a disease, the undead hordes will not rest until I force them to.

We awoke to the clattering of bones, we were surrounded by skeletons, each raising a blade to us, we had no choice but to surrender to them, atleast temporarily. Using their swords they commanded us to move forward, it seems the labryth had grown tired of waiting for us, as they marched us through its front gates. The place was amazingly huge, though broken down from old age the building still held true, wide open courtyards filled its center while walls surrounded us. This place was built like a fortress, indeed it must have been a truly amazing place back when it was built. The skeletons led us to a stairway, ontop was another wide space and a massive door. The skeletons commanded me to open the door, I'm not sure what they wanted ultimately but because our goals aligned even just for a moment, I decided to do as they said and used the key to unlock the door. As soon as I had unlocked the door a brilliant blinding flash of light broke through the cracks, the light was warm to the touch but felt wonderful in the snowy weather. When my sight returned I noticed piles of dust surrounding us, even the snow had melted away, I'm not sure what kind of power was behind the door but it had finished the skeletons without trouble.

On the other side of the door shadows gained form and spoke to one another.

"Are you sure this is safe?" Asked a female shadow. "Completly, all we have to do is get by a few traps and the magical power beyond our dreams will be at our finger tips." Replied an older shadow. "Let's just hurry up, this place is giving me the creeps." Another voice popped up, it was the same as the head masters, I wonder if this place keeps the past contained or if this illusion was nothing more than a spectacle, regardless I had to press on.

Further in was a long corridor, it seemed to have no end, why did the builders create such a long hall? My questions were abruptly interrupted as stepped into a large room, in its center layed the bones dragon, piles of humanoid bones lined the sides of the room, whatevers in here is certainly evil. A voice rang through the room, it felt as though I were drained upon hearing its words. "Why have you meyz wah dii place of rest?" Asked the voice, I could not understand half of its words, but called out myself. "We have come to retrieve a powerful staff, one to save the world!" The voice was silent for but a moment before returning with his statement. "Zu'u see.. if the staff los what you seek then prove wah me hin worth. Alok dovah Ahrk face this champion." Just as he finished his sentance the bones of the dragon began to move, piecing itself together as if it were entwined with magic to make it whole once more. I tried to blast the beast with the power of the sun but the voices effect still lingered, we would have to fight this beast blade to bone.

The dragon lifted its claws and threw its heavy hand into the ground shaking me off my feet, this beast was powerful and its mere strength rumbles the room. My companion and I charged the beast lunging into it's back and swinging our swords at the beasts bones, it was too thick, we were only able to dent the bones before kicked thrown off by its mighty strength. We were on the ground as the dragon opened its mouth, I saw only for a moment a small crystal object before ice began to form and fly towards us. The dragon is an ice dragon, capable of breathing ice, truly it is a beast I wish I had never met, I hate the cold.

The dragons taken a toll from my stamina, it took most of my remaining strength just to avoid the icy blast. Yet I was too slow, the ice caught my sword hand freezing it in place, I would have to get this ice off as soon as possible else risk losing a hand.

Once the dragon was finished I leapt back to my feet, i had only one chance to make it. The dragon opened its mouth wide once again and i broke into a sprint towards the dragons mouth leaping into its freezing mouth, my blade pointed forward piercing the dragons crystal heart.

I awoke soon after to my companion treating my wounds, I had frozen ice layered over my armor, but my move worked, the dragon was destroyed. My companion told me that we were granted permission to continue into its chambers, its seem we have impressed the master of this fortress.

Once my strength had returned we entered the royal chambers, it was a room very different from the one before, it was a long room, stair cases lined the walls allowing one to enter the second floor, directly in front of us layed a decaying body, on its head was a shiny golden crown, much too shiny to have been buried down here, and a staff with a similar yet much smaller orb on it as the artifact in the college.

We approached the decaying body wondering where the master of the fort could be, that was until we stepped up and saw that it had been staring at us the entire time. "Welcome champion, you have bested dii dovah Ahrk ful have nuz gein request." It replied, its jaws held together small tendrils of muscle, "A request?" I asked not sure of what else it had said. His voice rang out through the halls, though he appeared decrypt he was obviously powerful. "Yes, Ol you can see dii kopraan has grown.. unusable, zu'u require Aan new kopraan, hin fahdon here fen dreh.

Fen you consider Aan trade? hin companion for the staff." I am unsure if I will ever fully understand the request but I could fully understand the last part, it wanted my companion and in return I would have the staff. This discussion was over before it ever began. I swung my sword straight for this king, I cant have anyone trying to take my friend away let alone an undead monster who no doubt wants to terrorize the surrounding country. But my blade did not reach, instead it was blocked by a magical barrier. "You dare attack me? voth Aan silver tuz nid less. You fen dir for hin insolence." He yelled at me standing up from his throne, he pointed the staff at me blasting my body across the room, my companion upon seeing this attempted to strike at the monster but to no avail. The monster looked at him with what I could only describe as a smile before sending shocks through his body forcing his body to fall to the ground. "Zu'u fen kos taking him nu, the staff los yours." The monster said picking up his body and dropping the staff behind him. "If you still think you can beat me champion, go south Ahrk aav the dawngaurd, zu'u'll kos waiting for you." He said before a flash of light burst through the room, leaving behind nothing but a trail of smoke in its place. I swear to you my friend I will find you.

The trip back was quiet, sure I may have thr staff and can save the world, but without my friend it all seems dissolute now, yes it's an important quest but I will have to go south as soon as I can to save him, I must save him.

When i got to the college a barrier had been erected around building, the town was being attacked by strange magical beasts and the golden guardians had turned blue. I returned hastily to the headmaster with the staff and gave it to him, with it he says he can tear down the barrier erected by the advisor, it seemed the advisor was a little power hungry and wanted to have power, I curse those who seek nothing more than pure power.

With the staff in hand the head master blasted the barrier down, it was as simple as waving it around and sparks flew out, once down we marched into the college and found the advisor zapping his mana into the orb, the headmaster used the staff on the orb while I swung at the advisor. It seems that in this place of magicians they forgot other weapons existed as he did not stop the blade, it went straight through his arm, he seemed shocked at first but that shock quickly turned to terror as he tried to flee from me, to stop his greedy madness I pushed him down to the floor and pierced his heart with my blade.

It is over now, the headmaster congratulated me on a job well done and more people dressed as the man who keeps appearing before me and shown up to take the artifact away. It's all over now, they will protect the artifact and the world is saved, my job here is done. Now I must travel south to find my friend.

CHAPTER 4: THE BLOOD MIST CITY

I have arrived in a city which will continue to the south like I plan, for now though I will visit that girl I've seen long ago, I still may not have a home but now I have gold and I want her to have enough food to eat.

It was late when I entered town I had not expected a crowd to be gathered, it seems someone was murdered here, everyone is blaming the butcher, I guess the rumors from before were true and someone stalking the streets. I'll investigate further and see what is happening.

A guard stopped me as I approached the scene, he told me it was the inn wrenth that was murdered, he told me that this was the third murder and that they were all young females, I hope that child is okay, if nothing else stopping these murders may protect the girl.

I've spoken to the crowd but no one has seen anything, the guard has recommended that I see the guards captain to be placed on investigation. The guards must be really thin with the war if their letting a peasant do their job for them.

I've spoken to the captain and he has confirmed my suspicion, the guard is stretched very thin, I now have the support of the guard in my investigation, I just hope I wont be too late to stop him from killing again.

There was a blood trial leading away from the scene, I followed it and found myself in front of a house, it was locked so I was unable to get inside, I will ask the guard if they have a key to the building.

I traveled to the burial temple and asked if there was anything unusual about the body, it seems that there were some strange cuts on her that is made by embalming tools, it was odd to the grave keeper because she is the only one with those kinds of tools as far as she is aware. I'll find a way into the house and try to get more clues there, if it's the scene of the murder it may prove to hold valuable information.

I was told that the mother of the previous owner has the key to the building, unfortunately she is asleep right now, because I want to catch this murderer as soon as possible i will do something a little criminal to get in.

I managed to get inside, it was empty except for scattered furniture, blood stained the ground, I'll continue my investigation.

I found a strange amulet with a skull on its pendant under a pile of butcher awareness posters, it's an odd amulet but I feel the evil emanating from it. I'll find out what it is once my investigation is complete.

I searched the room further and found a wardrobe with a false door, what his behind it was a gruesome display. Various body parts filled the room, tools were on display, the same tools the grave keeper believed could have done it, an alter layed at the far end of the room, it had strange markings on it as if the killer was performing some gruesome act of magic. On it I found a journal. In the journal it read some sort of poem and an ingredient list of severed body parts, this sick monster must be performing some truly dark arts. I must stop them before it's too late.

I once more returned to the captain with both the necklace and the journal, he recommended that I talked to this man at a sort of museum, I'm forced to wait until morning when he opens, I'll try to find a bed in the inn for the night.

I was in luck, the inn keeper was finishing some late night tasks since her helper was murdered, when daylight comes I'll head straight for the museum, maybe grab some food on the way out.

The coordinator of the museum believes the amulet is a symbol of power to a court mage, I will speak to the court mage here and see what he knows of it.

As I was leaving the museum a strange noise filled the air, it was as if a large object came crashing down to the earth, I did not see any sign of such a thing and the residents seem oddly unresponsive to the noise.

I've spoken to the captain about the posters, he says someone has been putting them and that someone has been putting them down, I'll search for the one posting them, with luck they know who it could be.

I met with the girl who's been putting the posters up, she believes it's the court mage doing these acts and recommends I go straight to the captain, I however want to know for certain if this man is the criminal.

I spoke to the court mage who denies owning the amulet or books, he says necromancy is at work but that it is not his doing, in fact he says he is a member of the mages college which has not allowed necromancy for hundreds of years. He believes to know where the killer shall strike next, I will follow up on his belief but if he turns out to be lying to me i will find him.

I patrolled the streets at night but was a moment too late, I walking to the blacksmith when I heard cries for help, there I saw the museum keeper stabbing one of the shop keeps, it seems he was the murderer all along, once he spotted me he started running, I chased him all the way to the abandoned home where he pulled a knife on me, I tried to wrestle the blade away but it ended up in his chest. I have killed the killer, I must report this to the guard captain.

I reported it to the guard captain, he is only thankful that the killer is gone, I suppose now is the time to leave town but only after I find the girl, I have not seen her yet and really want to, atleast one last time before I leave the north.

I found her, I'm glad that she is okay but I dont like the condition that she's in, she sleeps on the ground in the cold night. I cant believe she has to withstand such frost when she's not allowed in the tavern. I'm staying by her side for the night and giving her my cape and face mask so that she may keep warm, I wish to ask her to join me but life on the road is no life for a child.

[happyfirebear-blog]

The Life I Live.

As of today December 11th, 2017 will start the writing about my life and my struggles. This would just be a small window into my life so like every good book I will give you a backstory and what lead up to where I am now.

It was December of 2014, I was 18 and was living with my parents and two younger siblings in the NorthEast side of El Paso,TX still living as if i was still 15yo cause first thing i did when i woke up was turn on my Xbox 360 before walking into the kitchen and grab myself cup of coffee and spend hours of my day playing xbox as a way to make some friends who enjoy playing the same games as i do and i always found some way to make new friends and loved the different views and opinions of  C.O.D Public Lobbies once i filtered through the hatred that took up a large majoraty of the game i met a few Great Friends that i am still close friends with to this day some of which i met when i was 16yo. One day i was talking to my Aunt and cousins whom i was talking to frequently over the phone and some how the idea of me spending the summer there was brought up. i cant remember who it was that brought it up. One afternoon I was offered to spend the summer with my cousins in Artesia,NM. It was the first week of January when i heard that my Cousin whom i was the same age me being a few months younger got his own place and was living with his Girlfriend. Early in the morning before sunrise my mom, brother, Sister and I began the long Three-hour drive through the Guadalupe mountains and small towns that were scattered along the way. We finally arrived in Artesia that morning and i met my Cousins girlfriend and it was a little awkward since i hadn't seen my cousin in person since i was a very young child but that feeling dissapeared within the week. I lived with them for the first month of January and i had a really good time they eventually left that house and we moved in with my aunt and my younger cousin where i would stay for another two years. That Febuary i got a call from my mom telling me that the landlord in el paso had evicted them and had nowhere to go as he was illegally giving them only 3 weeks to leave. My mom and Aunt started talking and found a way to let them stay with her. I started working at walmart in the last week of febuaray starting out as a Unloader spending 3 months unloading trucks sorting and pulling pallets out to the sales floor. I quit after the 3 months due to a visiting Assistant manager giving me a ridiculously hard time and gave out Coachings (the equivalent of being sent to principal's office in school) like candy on Halloween and not wanting to take it anymore as I felt it was taking an emotional toll on me. A few weeks after quitting I got a call back from another ASM who offer me a position in the Sporting Goods department as a sales associate. I worked in that position until February of 2016, when I left because of ongoing family drama between my mom and my aunt and I was hearing it both at home and at work since everyone worked at Walmart at one point in time. I eventually grew tired of it and wound up quitting my job thinking I could find a job somewhere else with a drama-free workplace, we lived together but there were conflict and rumors spread of cheating that eventually took a toll on my mom’s marriage and caused them to divorce with my stepdad leaving to Texas. With me being unable to find a job and walmart not wanting to hire me i was not much help financialy so i tried to help the best i could being there to listen to problems and attempted to lighten the mood as much as I could but not being able to give the kind of financial help we needed we eventually went to live with my mom’s boyfriend only to be kicked out and with nobody else to fall back on we called my aunt and she helped use get our things from his front yard and back into her place at 3am without hesitation cause what family is for if not forgetting grudges even for a few days to help you out. We lived back at my aunts with the same drama and arguments to bubble back to the surface and caused everybody lives to become uncomfortable and avoided each other being afraid to say something that would start more conflict. Jump Foward to June 2017, My oldest cousin, her boyfriend and I moved into a small 3 bedroom rental house in Loco Hills, NM Where I really tried to push myself to get a job desperately applying to places that would hire someone who only has 1yr of retail experience and no drivers license or vehicle and has to rely on others for transportation. Me not having a job i basically stayed home playing Maid where i feed the 7 dogs that were here and tried to keep the house clean when they got home from work, cleaning the dishes, sweeping, mopping and switching the dogs since my cousin owned a pit bull who was SO sweet and loving as long as you were not another dog that wasn’t her boyfriends Blue heeler. So every day I would wake up early in the morning to put the five dogs that spent the night inside outside and the two that were outside they would go inside for the day and I would switch them again the same night to make sure everyone got relatively the same amount of time outside. I found it very hard to ask for things as I wasnt doing much in to help pay for bills and each passing week I felt more and more down about myself and where I was in my life as a 20-year-old who is back in the same place in life he was when he was 14, jobless, and being an financial leech to who ever is around him cause he cant get a job and because of this it is a part of the reason my cousin and her Boyfriend coudn’t afford to keep their car and pay the rent and bills of the house and were forced to move back in with my aunts in order to keep their car. Me, however, I am still in loco hills currently By myslef untill later this week where my mom and her BF are moving from hagerman,NM to loco hills to live in a place where they can have their dogs since I was hesitant to move back in with my aunt with all the people who live there it would be crowded (8 people in a 4 bedroom house) so to avoid any more uncessary drama I stayed here and asked my mom if she would like to rent this place to avoid possibly losing our dogs.So here i am laying in bed drinking coffee with my dog sleeping on my shoulder hoping my life will move on as I am applying to places every day but it is emotionally draining filling out applications and calling places only to be given an endless list of excuses or just flat out denied the position for not having a drivers license or a personal vehicle. But if you happen to be reading this and your workplace is hiring or maybe you are a manager and would like to look at my Resume’ i will be happy to Email it to you.