emodean

[emodean]

YOU ALL ANNOY ME I CANT WAIT FOR COLLEGE

[emodean]

[emodean]

it kills me to know someone might like me irl bc im fat, ugly and literally suicidal im so sorry

[emodean]

im insecure as fuck how does someone expect to love or even just like me when i literally get anxiety when someone looks at me for too long

[emodean]

i love my friends....actully more like i love my one friend* and it just sucks when im feeling emo and upset i really dont have anyone to go to to just /vent/. i dont want to bother others wirh my problems, i have problems even just expressing my feelings and in damn general, no one could give a shit what i have to say. as long as i play happy and seem fine, no one questions it a second time.

"are you okay?"

"yeah im perfectly fine, dont worry"

"okay"

like is it literally too much of a friend to just have someone who checks in on me from time to time? you dont have to text me 24/7 or even everyday, but like every once and while just pop in so i know im atleast sort of cared about. i feel so alone and i try to be there for others too while im feeling like this but its sO hard to do it. i just find myself crying and yelling at myself bc im so frustrated. i want to stop feeling like this but school even continues to drown my happiness more and more...i cant remember the last time i was genuinely happy without thinking about wanting to die during the moment...

[emodean]

why does feeling less cared about have to suck so /damn/ much like

[emodean]

help(ed)?

my mom has a nasty ex. an ex that has haunted our lives since since my sophomore year, hes a leech. hes verbally abused my mom a thousand times like…hes verbally abused her about us even. about my mom has raised us or how we talk to her (which we never do terribly).

anyways, we all cant stand this ex and tbh i wish he would just choke already but ya know. he brought over groceries for my mom and my sister and i…which of course i was so so thankful for bc earlier that day i had asked my mom what was for dinner and her face /sunk/ like i could just see her enjoyment from our walk wiped away by one simple question. it tore my heart in half to see her so nervous about a simple question…she told me ‘whatever we could find’ and it didnt upset me that we didnt have food but more so her reaction. i hate that she has to worry so much for my sister and i like. i wish we could just win the lottery bc all my mom wants is to be /safe/. i hate that she has to scrap up dollars and ask her ex or her sister for a couple hundred dollars to pay for this months rent..our landlord understands that she is struggling till she finds a steady new job but still…its worry some. especially our phone bill…i can never guarantee that my phone will be on next month- its too much of a burden on my mom and just financially its choking bc its another 200-300$ my mom has to get together for us.

but. back to the point of why im ranting.. i really am thankful to her ex/crazy clingy boyfriend thing that he really does care about my mom and he knew she was struggling and he didnt even ask my mom if she needed the groceries…he just told her “im coming by, i have a surprise for you” and he spoils my mom so much its really nice that my mom is treated right, i just…i wish he wasnt the type to go “well i bought you blah blah blah, i want it back!” when theyre fighting because thats literally all he does…i want to throw him the chancla whenever he does sigh. thankfully, my moms friend also really understands her situation and she is having a baby so she is letting my mom basically go fill in for her at her work..its not a lot of money but its a start of money flow for my mom to use for herself and us, like we could sometimes get away will alittle treat of ice cream at the store or just a quick, small meal at a restaurant. its not a lot for us but its nice…just being able to sit around my mom and tell her about my teachers being dicks or even my “friends” that give me tough times.

i never really say it but i appreciate my mom for all shes done and even though sometimes she does make me want to rip my hair out and kick and punch the walls…shes always held me up at my worst and ive held her up at her worsts too. i wish my older sisters would wake up and realize that their mom is actually struggling and to help her as much as they can, theyre ungreatful. anyways im ending this now before i go on a whole other rant…

[emodean]

I know this is so lame but honestly I just want to do the dumbest things with you like I want to go grocery shopping and fight over what we’re going to have for dinner and I want to learn the way you take your coffee in the mornings and I want to memorize the way you wake up and I want to be the person you need. I just want to be yours I want to be something you can’t live without

[emodean]

Be careful who you get close to because when you do get close you start to grow together. You start to mix thoughts, ideas, and actions. Like how two plants growing next to each other have tangled roots. It can be the most enriching thing or the hardest thing to take apart.

[emodean]

I know now that we never get over great losses; we absorb them, and they carve us into different, often kinder, creatures.

Gail Caldwell (via perrfectly)

[emodean]

“We’re in love. We just want to be together. What’s wrong with that?”

Moonrise Kingdom (2012) dir. Wes Anderson

[emodean]

I love you,’ he whispered, and that was the moment he knew what he was going to do. When you loved someone, you put their needs before your own. No matter how inconceivable those needs were; no matter how fucked up; no matter how much it made you feel like you were ripping yourself into pieces.

Jodi Picoult (via feellng)

[emodean]

Look, there are some people you’re just always going to be a little bit in love with. Your high school sweet heart, your college sweet heart, prince zuko, the first significant other you live with. Just accept that it’s normal and move on.

[emodean]

[emodean]

idk anymore

i feel really fine but then somedays i just really want to end it. and its unfair because people around us have killed themselves and my mom says it is a selfish thing to do and even when i know its not selfish if people around you cant help you but- its like her saying it so many times has just been engraved into my head that /its selfish/ why would you want to kill yourself?

the real question is why wouldnt i want to kill myself? im almost out of high school where i wont talk to anyone from high school everyday anymore, my sisters all look down on me, my family all looks down on me, im over weight, im asthmatic and have many body injuries, im anti social and paranoid when being in crowds, i cant keep a relationship, i sleep my sadness away and it sabotages all my good friendships that i may have, my art sucks, my grades suck, im ugly, i have depression, anxiety, and ocd, tramatic experiences from my childhood haunt me and affect how i view relationships constantly, im stressed out, im moody a lot, im a terrible friend to people, work stresses me out and my mom relies on me to come through with everything she needs. why wouldnt i want to end it?

im so just over everything and being adult, i cant see myself growing up fine and living a perfectly normal life..all i want to do is run away to the corners of the world and isolate and hide from everyone who knows me. its like being around people that rely on me so much is weighing down my chest and i dont breathe properly anymore. theres only one person who i could tolerate moving with me but they have their own life and i cant just be like /selfish/ towards them either. im drowning and confused and i just wish life would show me some guidance on what to do.

[emodean]

“You like this, don’t you?”, he asks breathlessly.

What? Sucking cock? Being dominated? Yes, all of that. A big fat yes.

Harry nods, lips still wrapped around Louis’ throbbing dick.

Louis’ lips curl into a smirk. “Keep going then. You’re doing amazing, love.”

OR: The uni-football AU where Harry may or may not have a minor crush on the captain of the team and suddenly discovers that the feeling is very much mutual.

[emodean]

"im sorry i dont understand where all of this is coming from. i thought that we were fine. . ."

-P!nk 'Just Give Me A Reason' (ft. Nate)