#which I haven't had to do in Ages which is Part of said Venting!!

[scrawlingskribbles]

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[nyxiswrites1200]

𝑺𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝑺𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒍𝒆 𝑴𝒐𝒎

Toji Fushiguro x Fem!Reader

Warnings: NSFT, MDNI, OOC(?), Implied Age gap, p in v, fingering, praise, pet names, size kink, nipple play, oral sex, body insecurities, aftercare

Mentions: Reader is a single mom, Reader is implied to be younger than Toji, Pet names (mama, darling, daddy)

AO3 Link

AN: So, this is my first Toji fic mostly because I wasn't a fan of him but fine he's hot 😮‍💨 so please don't shit on me if this is bad.

----

Sometimes it really was too much. You wouldn't trade your kid for anything in the world. You loved your child, they were everything to you. However, ever since your ex-boyfriend left about a year ago, things haven't been easy. 

It was hard to find any time for yourself. Even years after pregnancy, you were still suffering from some mental struggles. Between work and raising the kid on your own, there wasn't much time to take care of yourself. 

Toji had recently moved into the apartment building. Only a few doors down from you. He didn't take much notice of you until you bumped into him one morning, quite literally. 

Toji was heading to the elevator so he could go to the gym on the first floor. Meanwhile, you were heading off to work and dropping your kid off at daycare. 

Your head was overflowing with thoughts. You were thinking about the bills and what to fix for dinner, along with the small amount of sleep you managed. You felt overwhelmed with embarrassment and almost disappointment in yourself when you bumped into the brick wall that is Toji. 

“Oh god, I'm so sorry” you quickly said as Toji met your gaze. 

He took in your appearance. From the color of your eyes to your figure, even noticing the weary look on your face. 

There wasn't much you could say for yourself. That one coincidental meeting turned into ‘good mornings’ when you left for work; they turned into him knowing your kid’s name, and eventually you hired a babysitter to spend your night with Toji. 

“Hey mama” he smirked as he let you into his apartment. It was cleaner than you expected. You didn't really know how to act around Toji sometimes. His presence took up so much space, and just his aura alone was dominating. You didn't know much about Toji, but a part of you didn't want to know too much. You already felt your emotions were out of line with Toji. The simple act of him placing his large hand on your lower back made your skin warm. 

The both of you ended up watching a movie on the couch. Which eventually leads to Toji listening to your rambling.

“I'm just so fucking tired…” you sigh, rubbing a hand over your face. “Between work and my kid, and my bastard ex leaving” you groaned with annoyance. You weren't sure why you were telling him all this, but you needed a vent so badly. 

“Mm, the bastard left you alone with the kid?” Toji rasped; he knew he wasn't a perfect parent. You didn't know that, however. But Toji knew how young your kid was, and he's met enough women to know it wasn't easy for you. Plus, the postpartum depression of any child birth is hard to conquer. 

“Yeah” you sigh in response. “Everything was fine in our relationship; I don't know why he changed like that…”. 

Toji did feel a little insincere when it came to you. He wanted to be honest, but he didn't know if that would do either of you any good. At first, he did just want to sleep with you, but now? He felt infatuated. 

“People change, it’s hell but it happens” he responds. Toji places his hand on your thigh and rubs it gently. “But you didn't deserve that, darling” he comforts. The action sends a familiar feeling to the space in between your thighs. 

A part of you gives into reason and thinks you should leave, but Toji must have noticed. “Let me take care of you. You work so hard, mama. Just let a real man take care of you” he rasps. He needed you, and you wanted him. 

“I don't much remember how to let someone…take care of me” you sigh but Toji doesn't mind. “Let me help you remember” he smirks. 

Toji leans in close, and you respond, giving him the silent answer he needs. He kisses you; he’s firm and a bit rough. But you kind of liked it. 

Kisses turn into making out, tongues tasting one another, and then his hands slip into your panties. Pulling away from the kiss leaves a trail of drool connecting your lips to his. “So wet, mama. Just relax for me, I know how to take care of pretty things” he rasps and you don't bother to question him. 

Toji’s fingers toy with your clit. You moan as your hands grip his broad shoulders. “Fuck- Toji~” you can't help but moan; you were so sensitive ever since having your kid. “Good girl, doing good for me. Nobody’s been paying this pretty pussy any attention?” He chuckles lowly as he finally just takes off your panties. He needs to see it—see how slick you are and how your walls tighten. 

“No” you whine “Nobody pays attention to me, I’m not as good looking since I had a kid” you admit. Well, your ex told you that. Toji doesn't believe it, if anything; knowing this now only makes him want to fuck your pussy full and show you how ‘unattractive’ he thinks you are. 

“Let me show you how fucking sexy you are, babe” 

You writhe beneath Toji on his bed now. He is two fingers deep in your pussy as he adds a third. A pathetic moan leaves your lips as you grind into his hand while he fucks you full of his fingers, down to his knuckles. 

“Ahah- Toji- Oh God~” you moan out loudly, only hoping maybe your neighbors aren't hearing. Especially your babysitter. You swear you didn't hire them just to go fuck some older man, even if it was happening now.

“So pretty, mama. Tightening around my fingers, making such a mess…” he smirks as he watches your pussy clench around him. The messy squelching sounds from how wet you were only made Toji’s cock ache. 

“Toji- I'm gonna cum..fuck~” you moan out, your head tilting back into the pillows. But your pleasure was taken away just as quickly as it started. You let out a pant as you looked at Toji with a pathetic whine. 

“Don't start, I'm not gonna leave you. Just need that pretty pussy sopping around my cock. Want you to squirt all over me, mama so I can lick your cunt clean after.” He smirks, his words almost being enough to send you over the edge. 

Toji frees his cock from his sweatpants, and it's fucking huge. More than you ever took, but fuck if that didn't have your cunt tightening around nothing. He’s painfully hard, with the tip leaking pre-cum. 

“Can you spit on it for me, mama? Wanna get it nice and slick for you” You've never been in something so erotic. You sit up and gather some saliva on your tongue before spitting it out onto Toji’s cock. He doesn't hesitate to smear it all over the tip with his hand and then down his length. 

“That's my good girl, so fucking sweet to me” he rasps as a groan leaves his throat. He needed your pussy clenching around him. Toji tugs at your shirt, but you pull back a little, and he pauses, looking at you, wanting an explanation as to why you didn't allow it. His intense gaze makes you fold. 

“I just…what if you don't like it…” you look away. Toji was such an attractive man. He was muscular, tall, broad, and, overall, just masculine. You were sure he could have anybody he wanted, and he probably has. 

Toji looked at you as if being anything less than a horny bastard for you was impossible. He quickly pulled off your shirt; obviously, he won that battle. 

“If I don't like it?” He groans as he rubs his tip along the slick entrance of your pussy “That's not possible, let me show you how I feel about you”. He then fills up your cunt in one swift motion. A loud moan falls from you as you writhe with pleasure beneath him, your legs hooking around his waist.

Pathetic whimpers leave your throat as you get used to his size. He gives you a minute, but then he's relentless.

Toji grabs your thighs and presses them into you. His cock hits deep, kissing your cervix as he begins to fuck you. His thrusts hit that spot in you every time; his pace was too fast. You could barely pull in a breath between each thrust. You moan out loudly into the small apartment. Your hands coming up to grip onto his broad shoulders. 

“So fucking tight, you're so pretty…” he chuckles breathlessly, watching you writhe on his cock. He leaned down and popped one of your nipples into his mouth, sucking on it. 

It was so fucking erotic. Toji’s black hair draped over his face as he sucked on your breasts, teeth grazing you. His cock fucking the deepest part of you as his muscular arms held your thighs open. His balls slapping into your ass with every desperate thrust. 

You scratch into his back as you moan out for him. He was overwhelming, but you loved every second of it. You've never been fucked this good, and you haven't felt anywhere near this good in a while. 

Toji pulled off your hardened nipple. He pressed a hand onto your stomach, and you tightened around him when you noticed the noticeable bulge he left in you with every thrust. 

“So fucking big, daddy~” you moan as you continue to scratch into him. “Yeah, mama~? This cock fucking you good? Gonna squirt all over daddy’s cock?” 

“Mhm, I'm so close-” you whine. Toji pulls back a little as he wraps one hand around your throat. He presses his forehead against yours as his pace quickens. 

“Look at me, I want to look at your pretty face as I fill this pretty cunt” he groans as he relentlessly rails into you.

The apartment was filled with pathetic moans from both of you, wet squelching sounds, and skin slapping against each other. 

“Toji Toji-” you scream out for him as you squirt onto his cock. Your liquids are soaking his dick and lower stomach. Your pussy tightens around him, dragging more moans from the man on top of you. You feel his cock twitch as the tip presses into your cervix, then he cums. Toji pants as he watches your expression contort with pleasure as he fills your pussy. 

“Good girl, so fucking dirty, mama” he chuckles. He thrusts a few more times, making sure his cum was fucked into you. In truth, he could do this all night. He wanted to keep pounding you. Fucking you full of his cum, fuck you until his cock went limp, but that's not what tonight was about. 

He slowly drags his cock out of you. He groans at the sight of your cum covering every inch of his cock and some of his stomach. He leans in and kisses your cheek before his head finds its way between your thighs. His tongue ran over the slit. 

You whine in response, tangling a hand into his messy hair. Toji licks all over your cunt, sucking up all your cum like it was his only meal for the month. He groaned against your pussy as he fucked his tongue inside of you. 

“Daddy- it's too much, I can't-” you whine as you writhe beneath him, making him hold your thighs open. Toji doesn't care; he was obsessed with you and drunk on your pretty pussy. 

He laps at you until you cum again, squirting all over his face. You shake beneath him with pleasure as you try to catch your breath.

His face covered in your slick, he smirks, running a hand through his hair as he takes you in. The look in his eyes definitely makes you reconsider your ex’s words. 

Toji gives you both a bath. He was also a lot more caring than you expected. Maybe there was more to Toji than you could understand, at least right now. 

He places kisses on your neck as he cleans you up, taking care of you. “Mm, take care of yourself” he rasps as he kisses the back of your neck. “Can't keep fucking you good if you let yourself wither away” he whispers in your ear. 

Toji himself didn't even know why he was so obsessed with you. He thought maybe he just wanted to fuck you. But it was obvious now that he wanted more than just one night with the single mom a few apartments down.

[destinyc1020]

Destiny, I don't know if i can ask this question but there has been some discussion on Zendaya's role in the Nolan film and how bith her and Lupita allegedly supporting roles whilst Tom, Damon and Hathaway are core leads. THR also said Rob was a lead, but their the only ones cause the rest of the trades haven't said one thing.

On one hand, I'm a fan of both Tom and Z, and if their in a film together outside of SM, I'm there regardless. But I'm also trying to be objective and fair, and see from both sides. Although I was annoyed with some stans complaining, I can see why they're frustrated.

Zendaya is the most impactful actress/celeb of her generation, and yet she's not been a lead that much. She's always playing roles in service of yt leads directed by white men.

Daisy Edgar-Jones has been a lead 4 times in a film, and Sydeny Sweeney has been a lead 7 times and is currently working to be in a lead in two other projects rn, her biopic and that movie with Amanda. Zendaya has been famous for longer and has been a lead twice (not counting the drama), and mainly supporting roles despite her being the reason most ppl go to see a project. I remember when Dune Part 1 came, and ppl were complaining how little screen time she had and Denis promised her in the sequel he would add more character depth for her even to the annoyance of Dune purists which I personally feel was a good choice considering in the books, Chani is just like Javier bardems character lol and that wouldn't be fun to watch.

However, I do think it's interesting that these fans only have this criticism now, considering in past interviews, Z has spoken how she'd rather be a small role in a great film than a lead in a bad film and despite Daisy and Sydney being leads only a few of those films are watchable lol. Most are duds, no shade, and won't be remembered if you're not a core stan. The main issue is that they hate her with Tom. Again, I don't want to police fandoms cause ppl should be entitled to vent sometimes, I didn't always agree with that Tom blog thatwas here but there times I was frustrated with the Francessa situation and how it was handled and those washed allegations and not all blogs are equipped to deal with anons who want to vent and be negative. But those fans want nothing to do with Tom, and I just know if Tom wasn't the lead and it was someone else, ppl wouldn't be this vexed. It'd be understandable if he was a horrible person, but he's not, and that sometimes sucks as a fan of both.

Not to gas him too much because I read on that x app that female fans of yt men are equivalent to boy mothers😱, but Tom is in privileged position as a man and still is a good person, outside looking in. Most actors around his age are grinding like crazy to make their mark, and oftentimes, male actors are bad to date because they are very selfish because it ride or die for them. Tom isn't like that. He doesn't dominate his career over his relationships. Like, no offence to these guys cause they are talented, but Glen Powell and Timothee speak about how much their career means so much to them and what they've sacrificed. Glen lost his relationship over that showmance and Timothee before Kylie was not a relationship guy at all, like if it's affecting his career, he'd drop the girl lol. I say this as someone who was a fan at the beginning but now more of a casual fan, lol. Kylie is his longest, but it's lasted cause she's more successful than him and has the finance to work around his intense schedule. He recently admitted that he went method for that dylan biopic and didn't communicate with family and friends for 3 months cause of it. Tom wouldn't do that. Even when he was struggling mentally with TCR, he was always making time for his charities and going to see Z in Budapest and Jordan. That's his perogative, but most male actors wouldn't do that.

I also remember you and some other fans wanting Tom to take more supporting roles to take the pressure of being in leads and to add more variety to his filmography. So, having Tom as the lead for Nolan and American Speed is great, but also like Tom, we are going forward but backwards, if that makes sense.

Another viewpoint that both sides need to consider is that Nolan is known for his ensembles in films, and the most impactful films have the best supporting roles.

Heath Ledger, Cillian Murphy, Elliot Page, Christian Bale in the prestige, Dunkirk supporting roles, Rob Pattinson, RDJ, Emily Blunt, Tom Hardy...

One could argue they were the best parts of their films but also none of them are as imoactful and are the current A-list like Z is, according to Complex and THR list.

Also, sorry for the rant, lol. I just like to see both sides of a situation because ppl need to see others' perspectives and not take it personally. I'm speaking for myself cause I do take things personally😭

All love✌🏾💓

Whew.... Chiiiiilllle.... you went all the way from Adam to Armageddon with your ask Anon lol 😆 😂

I'm really trying to figure out what the point of your whole ask is, or what it's overall trying to say? I don't understand your question, I'm sorry. 😔

First, you start off talking about the Nolan casting, then you talk about your disappointment with the Francesca/R&J play stuff, then you talk about fans not liking Tom, then you go on to compare other actors to Tom and how they're selfish and are hustling in their careers, then you go back to talking about Nolan and supporting actors, and then you end with again complaining about how Z isn't a lead in this Nolan film. 🥴

Chiiiiilllle, I'll be honest, I was a bit confused lol. I wasn't sure if this was just a personal rant that you needed to get out of your system and you didn't really want a response back, or if you actually wanted me to respond lol. 😅

Anyway, in case you wanted my response, I'll try to just respond back to a few things that you said.....

Click Below For My Thoughts: 👇🏾

Zendaya is the most impactful actress/celeb of her generation, and yet she's not been a lead that much. She's always playing roles in service of yt leads directed by white men.

Perhaps Z just likes being in certain films with certain directors, and doesn't really care whether she's lead or not right now? 🤷🏾‍♀️

I think fans need to stop putting that pressure on Zendaya to be who they want her to be, instead of just letting her BE.

Plus, we all saw just how much PRESSURE it was for her to lead "Challengers" all on her own shoulders. The girl dropped like 10 lbs during the press tour! 😩 Being the LEAD of a film is not only a lot of hard work, but it's also a lot of pressure. I don't think people realize this. The film is riding ALL on your own shoulders. That's a lot!

Zendaya is the one choosing these roles. She might be getting offers for lead roles, but maybe they're not roles that call to her, or they're crappy. Women in Hollywood (especially woc) don't always have the best options for roles. It's just the truth. She's more than likely very picky.

If you have a problem with the roles that Z is choosing for HERSELF, then maybe you need to talk to Z directly lol. 😅

I honestly don't see anything wrong with Z's career choices so far. I actually think she's been very smart in her career choices? 🤷🏾‍♀️

Daisy Edgar-Jones has been a lead 4 times in a film, and Sydeny Sweeney has been a lead 7 times and is currently working to be in a lead in two other projects rn, her biopic and that movie with Amanda. Zendaya has been famous for longer and has been a lead twice (not counting the drama), and mainly supporting roles despite her being the reason most ppl go to see a project.

First of all, I don't usually like to compare woc to white women in Hollywood, for obvious reasons. 😒

But second, have you forgotten that Zendaya plays the lead to a show that Sydney herself is on as well? 🤔 Have you forgotten that Zendaya is a 2-time Emmy winner? No shade to Sydney at all, but she hasn't accomplished that yet. Just saying.... 🤷🏾‍♀️

I keep saying that it's not so much how many times you've been a lead. There are plenty of actors out here who have NEVER led a major film before and they're awesome supporting actors, and people LOVE them. Don't sleep on supporting roles. Sometimes, those are the most impactful in a film.

But those fans want nothing to do with Tom, and I just know if Tom wasn't the lead and it was someone else, ppl wouldn't be this vexed. It'd be understandable if he was a horrible person, but he's not, and that sometimes sucks as a fan of both.

Re: Tom, Z, and the Nolan film.... I think fans just need to wait and see how the film turns out before having mental breakdowns about who has how much screen time, and who's the lead and whatnot. But maybe that's just me. 🤷🏾‍♀️

And as far as some fans not liking Tom.... Unfortunately, we can't change people's minds about someone. Their dislike of him is very irrational, especially for someone so nice as Tom is. But when hate seems irrational, you know that it's not based on logical things. In that case, you can just ignore all the nonsense.

Tom is in privileged position as a man and still is a good person, outside looking in.

Yes, Tom is a very good person, both inside and out! 🥰

Most actors around his age are grinding like crazy to make their mark, and oftentimes, male actors are bad to date because they are very selfish because it ride or die for them. Tom isn't like that. He doesn't dominate his career over his relationships. Like, no offence to these guys cause they are talented, but Glen Powell and Timothee speak about how much their career means so much to them and what they've sacrificed.

Hmm... 🤔 I mean, I think it's nice to recognize Tom's good qualities without putting other actors down. 🥴

First of all, I feel that it's just difficult in the Hollywood industry to date just in general. 😔 As an actor, your life is VERY transient. I can see how that would make it difficult for many to date or be in serious relationships.

Tom and Z got very LUCKY. Let's not forget that. They've also been dating each other for like 8 years and are in a totally different stage of their relationship (I say engaged lol 🤭) than they were just 4 years ago, and compared to other actors. I wouldn't compare TZ (who have been dating for 8 years and are more likely engaged) to a couple that's only been dating each other for 2 or 3 years. Keep in mind too that TZ as well weren't moving in this way at the beginning of their careers. They were moving very differently. Recall how many DROUGHTS we had during the Tomdaya 1.0 period lol. 😅 They were also long distance for years, so they have always had to make the most of their time with each other. Vs. other couples who usually live in the same city as their significant others, or, at least the same continent rofl and can see them more freely.

Second..... I think another thing we have to keep in mind is that Tom isn't having to "grind" like he used to because he has Disney/MCU money. 💰 He was the lead of a HUGE major franchise at like, age 19. MOST actors aren't making bank like that. No offense. And all of the actors you mentioned aren't in a position to just coast like that.

Glen Powell for example, has been acting for years, but he is currently in his mid-30s and is JUST now starting to get his career going. He's JUST now receiving lead roles and recognition for his work after years of working as a background and supporting actor with minor screen time. Glen didn't have Spiderman in his early 20s to set him up in a rich money situation where he doesn't have to hustle.

Same with Timothee.

I think it's just good for fans to recognize that. Also, there's nothing wrong with hustling. You should hustle now so you don't have to hustle later. Z did the same exact thing. In fact, Tom did the same exact thing as well if you notice.

Also, I feel like MOST actors sacrifice a lot in this industry. Tom himself has sacrificed a lot. His personal time, a normal life, being able to walk down the street unnoticed, SLEEP lol, etc. MOST actors sacrifice a lot to be in this industry. It's not an easy industry to be in. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with Timmy, Glen, or other actors mentioning how much they've sacrificed for their work, but maybe that's just me.

He recently admitted that he went method for that dylan biopic and didn't communicate with family and friends for 3 months cause of it. Tom wouldn't do that. Even when he was struggling mentally with TCR, he was always making time for his charities and going to see Z in Budapest and Jordan. That's his perogative, but most male actors wouldn't do that.

Well, honestly? I think more actors than you realize have gone "method" for at least one role in their career rofl 🤣 Do I think it's the best method of acting? No. But I can see why some actors can easily get sucked into that even unknowingly, especially when they are doing an intense role, or a role for a biopic film. I don't think it's smthg to look down upon, but just smthg to hope that the actor learns from, and that they decide that there are better ways of getting a good work product without needing to go method.

For Timmy, I get the impression that was just for this Bob Dylan role anyway. I don't get the impression he goes method for all of his films. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I also don't usually like using such finite statements like the one in red above, because the truth of the matter is, we really DON'T know what might happen in the future. Saying, "Tom would NEVER do that" just sounds so..... so.... definitive, but I never like saying stuff like that, coz idk! 🤷🏾‍♀️ And what if he does one day? Then what are we going to say?

Tom has also NEVER played the lead in a major biopic film playing a huge, well-known musician that everyone knows either. So....We really don't know what that kind of huge weight and pressure on someone can do. 😔

I'm just saying, let's not be too judgmental of other actors, coz anything can befall anybody.

I also remember you and some other fans wanting Tom to take more supporting roles to take the pressure of being in leads and to add more variety to his filmography. So, having Tom as the lead for Nolan and American Speed is great, but also like Tom, we are going forward but backwards, if that makes sense

Yes! I said that I think Tom would benefit from taking on a great supporting role on a well-done film with an awesome director, than a lead role in a lackluster film. I also said that he should do an ensemble film again. With this Nolan film it looks like he's doing just that! 😃👍🏾

Another viewpoint that both sides need to consider is that Nolan is known for his ensembles in films, and the most impactful films have the best supporting roles

Most definitely! 😊 So far, I have loved a lot of Nolan's ensemble films (i.e. "Inception", "Oppenheimer", "TENET"). They're usually very well done. 😀 His supporting characters (usually male) tend to have really great roles. I'm SUPER excited about this one. 😁

[chainofclovers]

Hacks 3x9 (& etc.) thoughts

YEAH!

So !!!!! about everything

It felt really obvious to me that Deborah was lying to Ava about Steve ("you could take me shopping"??? fuck all the way off) and the way the lie and the very, very genuine hurt of their fight and the stone-cold perfect execution of the blackmail unfurls is....glorious. I love that Ava has grown enough to listen to her manager and do the thing that makes sense for her career (and that really will make the Late Night show great if it's gonna be great!), but is also showing that hunger she has. In s1 that hunger didn't really have a direction, and in s2 she just wanted to get back into Deborah's good graces, and all the growth of s3 just put her into the perfect position to feel TRULY betrayed but also to find leverage and it worked so well and I love, love, love it.

And I love all the heartbreak hurtling its way towards Deborah. Her sister has rejected her with a finality that feels more lasting (even though I wouldn't be surprised if we haven't seen the last of Kathy). And Ava has finally distinguished herself as someone capable of playing the game, which means Deborah can no longer trust that deep down, Ava's devotion is boundless. (Even if maybe it still is a little bit on some level who's to say :sweat-smile:.) What happens when Marcus finally tells her he's leaving? How lonely is she going to feel then? And when will she notice?

My wife is very smart and when we were chatting about our predictions for this episode, she said she felt certain this season would end with Ava and Deborah very much working together because the real stakes of this season are the stakes of getting and keeping Late Night. She was completely right. Obviously there's new betrayal, new tension, but it's all part of the age-old selfishness of Deborah's ambitions, which she hasn't learned how to have her own control of even if she thinks she's in control.

The Biff Cliff scene felt very slightly heavy-handed to me, but the more I ponder the more I'm like. Nah. That was needed. Because Deborah is STILL seeking advice and input and understanding from the sorts of men who will never, ever feel compelled to put in the same effort to understand her. She's grown..the whole sequence in 3x4 in which she defends bisexuality to her comedy idols and listens in through the vent and comes home to fight with Ava????? And when she actually listens at the town hall?????...but that was never gonna be a perfectly linear thing. And Ava learns that lesson the hard way.

When the makeup artist finds out Ava is a writer and thinks she needs to redo her makeup and gets her a pencil to hold in the photoshoot? I was HOWLING.

I love this show so much. So much. Ahhhhhhhh. This was so disjointed but I watched before work and it's gonna be a hell of a day and I just had to get my initial thoughts out beyond just screaming with my wife (who has now left for work so I can't even do that again for hours).

[allfillernothriller]

Welcome to Unhinged Hours, a series of posts that will be tagged as such in which I will overshare my cringiest and most awkward thoughts because I've no self-control over my need to vent. And who knows. Might help someone else.

Don't mind the dubious syntax and weird grammar.

[cw brief mention of abuse]

When I was 17-19, I was mortified to discover I was attracted to (much) older people. During my early twenties, the majority of my crushes were in their thirties. I knew the age gap was too big and I was too young, so I did nothing about them and naively thought this was something that would fix itself with time. I thought "at least I know I find people in their thirties attractive so I just have to wait to reach mine and date people my age then" (lmao good one past me). Well. As I'm inching ever closer to said thirties, it's more and more evident that the issue clearly did NOT fix itself, those old crushes are nearing their forties and I haven't stopped carrying them in my heart. They're attractive in new ways. When I look at pics from back when I first developed a crush, I find that my current 27yo self isn't physically attracted to their 32yo self I was originally attracted to anymore. And I know for a fact that 21yo me wouldn't have found 38yo [redacted] hot. But current me is still attracted to current them (38yo [redacted] is indeed very hot). And you might wonder what's the issue here, so lemme tell you. I've been frequenting online feminist spaces for a decade. I've read countless accounts of teenage girls and young women who were manipulated and abused by older partners. I've read an inordinate amount of warnings, the gist of all of them being “don't date older folks during your formative years, don't believe them when they call you 'mature for your age'”. And let me be crystal clear — I still think it's relevant and infinitely important to relay those accounts and protect girls and young women, and help them spot red flags and predatory patterns. It absolutely is, I am not blaming feminism for my existential struggles. I am simply giving you context. The thing is, I've internalised this as “don't ever pursue older folks, period” (which is a completely different thing, I knew that then and still know it now but couldn't help it) and as a result I've been lugging around self-inflicted guilt and shame for years (and don't I love the internalised biphobia that adds to it when the person happens to be a man /s). And these crushes I've been telling you about? They're one-sided! They've never expressed any interest, so that's always been a safe situation for me, but did that prevent any self-loathing from taking root in my brain? Course it didn't! I can't seem to shake the feeling that there's something wrong with me and I've grown tired of this. Scolding myself over human emotions is getting fucking old.

That brings me to today's crisis — at which point in one's life does it get easier to accept? How old is old enough to stop caring about the age gap? When will I stop blaming myself? How do I drop the guilt?

Because if it was "just" the fact that I'm still swooning over the same people (who are now soon-to-be 40), that would be too easy, wouldn't it? But nooo I just had to go and get a new crush on someone who's already in their forties. Where does this end, please?

(You might've noticed that the overuse of the word 'crush' and choosing to focus on the physical aspect of attraction here is a poor attempt at a euphemism. I mean some of them are simple crushes, as for the others... past a certain point, still calling them crushes is just denial on my part. I'm basically fooling myself.)

“This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour porterage and an enormous sign on the roof saying 'this is a Large Crisis'.” (Blackadder Goes Forth, ep. 6)

[theflyingfeeling]

I have to agree with the last Anon. Something is off with Niko and it worries me. I mean he is more introverted than the others, but gets extroverted when he needs too. I see a lot of myself in him. I love going out with friends and organizing stuff or represent my group, but after it I need sometime for myself to recharge my batteries. And I need time at home to unwind and process everything. I am just worried that everything is just to much for him. Maybe he puts on a brave face, does his job and represents the band but takes every break he can get to recharge his batteries. I mean the tour wasn't planed. The boys them self said that the summer was stress enough and they need a break. I hope this tour will be the last for this year!

(Sorry for the unorganized rant/vent. This had been bugging me for days and I needed this to get off my chest. Here, have a cookie as a thank you for listening to me 🍪)

Just gonna hide my answer behind a read-more, because it's just my irrelevant interpretation and I feel exposed all of a sudden 😂

As I said in the reply to that anon ask, I'm gonna have to just 🤷‍♀️ with this one because I haven't noticed much, apart from the lack of social media presence in Niko's part. He seemed alright the day before they left to the States when he was on live national TV with Joel tasting spicy bell peppers, but who's to say he hadn't just put on a brave face for that too? We just can't know

I do think the fact that The HU support gig came as a bit of a surprise (at least that's what I gathered from Aleksi's streams) is something to be taken into consideration here; I really hope they've kept to that principle of 'only doing something if every single guy in the band agrees to it' Joel talked about in that podcast just a while ago. Which I have no reason to doubt; I mean, it would be pretty awful if they left on tour when some of the guys would've rather stayed at home because x-y-z, but I don't think they'd do that to each other. Then again, someone might feel hesitant saying 'no' if all the others want to accept the offer, and pressurred by disappointing the others they'd say 'yes' even if they're not 100% into the idea 🤷‍♀️ Touring is part of their job, and I'm certain each and every one of them is committed to their goals of world domination, but at the same time I wouldn't blame them if some of them wanted to just chill for a little while, because supposedly they're gonna play lots of shows next year as well, and although they may have had less shows this year in comparison to 2022, the travelling they've done especially during the past summer must have been tiring, so I do sympathize if flying across the Atlantic to spend another four weeks far away from home seems a little less tempting this time around (and what a hassle that flight was too 💀)

I also hope there was no clash of opinions regarding whether or not this tour would advance their goals the way they'd hope or anything of that sort, but again, if that was the case, I want to believe they would've talked it through. These guys have known each other for ages (especially the original five), so I like to think they all can and will open their mouth and say something if something's not alright with them, or that the others would notice if someone's not acting themselves

Of course, on a personal level, they all might behave differently in such situations. I must say Niko's still a bit of a mystery to me regarding his personality, so I'm hesitant to say what kind of behaviour would be in-/off-character for him 🤔 However, I want to believe he makes sure he gets his time to recharge on and off tour, and the same goes for all of them really. Remember that time Niko did a morning TV interview alone when Joel had suffered from insomnia the night before? They're a band of brothers, so I'm sure they'll support each other and step in when needed so that no one has to "put on a brave face" and overwork themselves into exhaustion ❤️ (obviously no one could replace Niko during a show etc. but you know what I mean 😂)

[kaelyn-stocktonmil]

Depressed/Lonely Self-Rant

Ok so...I don't really know what I'm doing at this point, pretty sure I'm just doing whatever my mind says is right, alongside hoping maybe there's someone out there who gets it who might be kind enough to give anything from encouraging words, to an offer to be friends.

And I know that's asking for a lot in this world. So this is basically just me venting so...if you stick around to the end of this, congrats...if not, I don't blame you.

So, everybody knows what depression is. Seasonal depression, chronic depression, temporary, etc. And believe me, all of them get overlooked in a lot of ways. People always say that it's just depression, things will get better, it's just in your head, etc. But it's still someone going through a hard time. Sometimes anti-depressants help, sometimes they won't make a dent in the things people feel.

I'm beginning to think I might have some form of chronic depression. Most days I'll seem fine for the majority of the day, and next thing I know, a cloud just falls over me after I do, or see something...most of which relates to how lonely I am. My friends have all but disappeared, or distanced themselves from me...my best friend has had enough of being the middle-woman between me and the others, to help work things out and said it in probably the nicest way she could that I'm on my own in terms of figuring things out with the others...even though I just wanted to hang out. The worst part is that whenever I'm with my best friend, and the others are on, they suddenly aren't against spending time with me...but the moment my bestie is gone, so are they. I reached out to ask to hang out, and they quite literally told me they weren't trying to be rude, but none of us want to hang out with you, so kindly go fuck off... I haven't bothered to reach out since, and that was at the start of January...

I get it, I'm a hard person to be friends with. I suck at reading social ques, I'm stubborn, I'm clingy, and yes, I can be oblivious, and sometimes I hurt the people I love without realizing to or meaning it...but I never meant to do any wrong by my friends. I was the one to introduce my bff to my other friends, because I wanted to be polite and friendly...and now my friends don't want anything to do with me, unless I'm with my bff...

So, what am I supposed to do? Keep burying my head in the sand and asking what I did wrong or wait? Because while I know the logical answer is to wait, my emotional mental state can't keep taking hits like this! I was so desperate as to get on my Xbox and start looking for posts, and both times I've gotten accepted, because it's ONLY BEEN TWICE, I got accepted by a little twerp who finds joy in trolling his SMP members with his Admin abilities by killing us 100 times, and thinks everyone is enjoying it and won't take no for an answer, and someone my age who kicked when he asked how my day was and I said repetitive, and he didn't hear it the first time, for what I assume he thought I was a damn kid! I HATE MY VOICE!

I'm depressed, I'm alone- because at this point "lonely" isn't what it is, my friends want nothing to do with me, and my best friend probably wishes we had never met with how tired I've made her

, and apparently according to her, I’m depressed for nothing. I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost everything important to me, and I have no Idea if I can get it back. And I’ve tried to find an alternative, I told you! We all know how well that went! I feel like I’m stuck in the movie “Groundhog Day”, but 1000 times worse. I’m living like tomorrow might be better, but it never is! 

I don’t know what to do...no one listens, and no one hears. No one sees that I’m NOT OK...and if they do...they don’t care. 

[pinktinselmonstrosity]

quick vent because even though i already journalled about it i'm still mad

so i have this friend. we used to be really close and then after covid we were both at uni in different cities but we stayed in touch. she dropped out of uni in the first couple weeks, moved back home and is trying to start a small business as an artist, which i massively respect but it does make her super busy. so every time i'm back home for the holidays i text her like "hey are you free, it would be great to hang out" and she usually either says she's too busy and she can't or that she'll check her calendar and get back to me (and then doesn't). and that would be fine but i kept seeing on her social media that she was finding time to hang out with other people

after about a year of this i told another friend about it (let's call her B) and B was like "oh, i haven't seen her in a while either, i'll ask if she wants to hang out". and we found out that A had blocked B on everything and when she finally got a message through A told her that she was ending the friendship (that they've had since they were 3) because B hadn't been there enough for her (mind you this was the year B had had a complete mental breakdown) and she never wanted to see her again (this part isn't directly relevant to the story but think of it as a character reference)

so now, kinda mad at A, i confront her (very very gently) about the fact that i haven't seen her in ages even though she'd been seeing other people. she was really apologetic and said that if she'd known i was feeling like that she would have "prioritised" me above others (so like. completely admitting she had been ignoring me on purpose before). she said we would definitely hang out more - her boyfriend, who she visits quite often, lives in the next city along the train line from me so she suggested stopping along the way and seeing me the next time she saw him.

great! i thought, until the next time she went to see her boyfriend (and the next, and the next) rolled by and she hadn't reached out at all to make plans. so i start to think (with some evidence i would say) that for some reason she doesn't want to see me. obviously not as dramatically as she didn't want to see B, but still enough to literally never speak to me.

coincidentally, i see her bf quite often - whenever our big friend group goes out together when we're all back from uni he always goes, and i asked him a couple times (when quite drunk) if she had a problem with me - he said not, but i'm not sure if i believe him (he's very non-confrontational and nice, and also guys sometimes just don't notice stuff like that)

but THEN a couple weeks ago i talked about it quite deeply with another friend (let's call her C). she's at uni in the same city as the boyfriend so whenever A comes up to visit they hang out for a bit. and then last week A went to see her bf and i saw on instagram that she had seen C. and THEN out of nowhere she messages me like "hey it's been a while! how are you?" so i'm like 99% sure C told her everything i said (which is a whole other issue lmao). and we have a little chat in which i try not to be passive agressive and once again say it would be great to see her (yes, i am that desperate). she says she is doing an art market IN MY CITY next month and i say great lmk when and i'll come along!and she said sure!

and i just saw on instagram today that she is IN MY CITY like not just going through on the train i mean actually here but she literally said nothing to me at all

so girlies be honest (if any of you are even reading this lmao). am i wasting my time and energy? on the plus side i know that if i'd really pissed her off she would have no problem cutting me out completely, so it can't be that bad. but on the other hand i'd almost rather she did that and let me know definitively how she feels because i'm putting so much energy in just to get rejected over and over and my fragile self-esteem can't take much more. anywayyyy how is everyone else what are u doing tonight. i'm going to drink a lot of wine i think :)

[golbrocklovely]

Im so glad I found older snc fans because I was starting to think it was just pretty young fans who can’t seriously discuss their relationships and lives and content.

this got to be a very long response, so sorry in advance lol

what i find very interesting about fandom culture as it is now is that when i first joined snc's fandom back in 2018, i was on insta only and literally there were confession accounts on there. basically in a similar vain to here, ppl would dm the person that owned the account "confessions" or opinions they had about anything related to snc and then the account would post it, and ppl would talk in the comments about it. usually those accounts would get out of hand eventually bc ppl would send in a lot of mean ones that would end up getting the person that owned the account in trouble.

wow, things haven't changed lol

but i think what ended those accounts was at one point there was an account that talked about a girl colby was possibly dating at the time, and the confession was shitting on her, and then colby commented on that post and said the equivilant of "hey i get you guys have opinions and i love that you want to share them and i don't mind seeing them, but if they are hurtful or mean i don't want that in my life". and i think that solidified the end of confession accounts, at least in this fandom.

i also think there was a major shift during the pandemic where ppl just didn't want to see anything deemed "negative" so now ppl are hyper vigilent to call out those that seem to be doing anything not positive. which i can understand sometimes, but i think a lot of fans take things too far. both sides do this.

my thing is, i've always enjoyed seeing other ppl's opinions, even when i don't agree. especially when related to fandom stuff. bc a lot of what we talk about on here is meant to be light-hearted and goofy and not to be taken seriously. i mean for christ's sakes we talk about the girls colby may or may not have hooked up with. and mind you, we barely have proof of any of them ! so again, it's all supposed to be silly and not urgent, important info.

but i think the reason why a lot of fans, sometimes younger, don't like seeing conversations like this is bc they think it's inappropiate or goes too far or bc it's not ultra positive all the time, it's deemed not worth having. which i get. i won't argue over that. my thing is….. yall are having these conversations too, you just keep it in dms and gcs. and if you pretend that isn't the case and "no i would NEVER talk about snc like this", you're lying. or you're very foolish to think that not everyone else around you is doing the same thing. the difference is i allow these conversations to happen publicly on my page.

i think bc i also allow ppl, for the most part, to vent about snc and others related to them, i'm seen as agreeing with their opinion - whether good or bad. but that usually isn't the case, but bc i'm allowing someone to have a voice when they otherwise wouldn't, i'm deemed bad or a hater.

on twitter, i think a lot of the disconnect comes from this idea of younger fans vs older. i think a lot of the younger fans don't want to interact with the older, and that's totally understandable. god knows 16 year old me wouldn't have wanted to talk to someone a decade older than me. and vice versa. i think the issue that arises is that the younger fans see the older ones as… too old to still be here. they see someone my age and go "why are you still around, you should have left already" or that i shouldn't be on social media to begin with. that whole idea is funny to me bc i've been online longer than some of them have been alive (but please note i ain't saying that as a flex lol). i also think a lot of older fans make younger fans uncomfortable, especially on twitter, for being very…….polarizing. and i think the older fans see the younger ones as annoying. like younger siblings that just won't fuck off.

do i agree with either one? no. i don't see younger fans as annoying, for the most part. and i don't see older fans any different. i think a lot of the problems that have appeared over the years is bc of the pandemic; too many ppl stuck inside for too long with nothing to do, mixed with a terrible world getting worse, and now everyone just feels the need to be assholes whenever they can bc they're sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. and it's easier to take it out on one another in fandoms than it is to do it irl, but even that doesn't stop those from doing it.

i will note that there are a decent number of older fans on twitter in the snc fandom that make it very hard to be an older fan. like a lot of the ones that are on twitter say a lot of extremely sexual shit about colby. and look, i don't mind talking about that man sexually. but there's also a level to it. some of these women borderline write fanfics about him, but include themselves in it, and then all of that is one twitter. and that can be off-putting. i won't name names, but some just need to take it down a peg or two, that's all.

but that also isn't to say that younger fans don't do the same in some regard. i'm just saying some of the older fans take it farther than necessary.

i think there is a lot of nuance to this, and a lot of reasons why ppl act the way they do. i'm not trying to blame any one or any particular age demo, i'm just saying what i've witness and what i believe to be true. doesn't make me right however.

[geneticallymodifiedidiot]

funny stupid sad angry post

uh so the poll said yes

so here goes? i've got no idea how to do this

tw: vent, self-sabotage, sh/cutting, eating disorder(?)/calorie counting, suicide ideation

please for the love of god if any of these trigger you in any way don't read this through. i'm not worth making your triggers worse. don't do that to yourself.

this is a really long fucking post. we'll see if i end up deleting it. if people just tell me that my problems aren't that bad (which is totally possible) then i'll delete it. no harm done.

let the brain dump begin

why am i doing this? it's not like i'd let myself accept help if anyone decided to try

uh idk it feels like i'm not doing enough

i'm not good enough for my friends, my school performance isn't good enough, i'm not doing enough to help other in general, i'm not doing enough to maintain relationships with my family and other people close to me, my "skills" aren't good enough, my problem aren't good enough to be considered problems, a lot of stuff like that

like the friend thing is like i feel like my friends are way better at being supportive and helping each other than i am, i'm trying my best but i can't seem to do enough because we're all just sad and i feel like i can't help

i constantly want to tell my friends "hey, you guys know that if i'm not a good enough friend, you can leave/stop being my friend and i won't get mad, right?" but i don't because i'm worried they actually might.

i went on a really long trip overseas this past summer and spent some time with family and i feel like i was a terrible person the whole time because my egg had cracked like a solid two weeks beforehand and i hated the idea of having to exist as two people at once bc my family has not exactly presented themselves as the most trans-friendly people but they also haven't made it so it's obviously a bad idea to come out to them. just a collection of offhand comments and unclear/lack of messaging around trans people has made it so i feel like it would be a bad idea, but if i'm wrong, then these people deserve better from me and not for me to hide myself from them.

the most unclear part of this for me is my mom, because like she's not the best but it's not obvious to me if she's actually bad. like i've seen a lot of things especially on this site about how trauma and abuse are overused terms but i don't know what qualifies. whenever i see examples i seem to fall in a middle ground between them. like it's mostly mental. she doesn't hit me (although idk i feel like i might remember some stuff from very long ago and there's one major event that i'm not going to get into) but there's just some things. like when i tried to come out as aroace, she never explicitly rejected that, but she also didn't... say anything. both times. and also when i first told her that i thought i might have adhd, she said something along the lines of "oh yeah, when you were young the doctor said you had some adhd tendencies, but we're not going to get you diagnosed because i don't want you to use it as an excuse." which, i guess, but something doesn't seem right about that.

but she's not explicitly terrible either, like i have stuff. she lets me leave the house pretty often. she's not super uptight about grades as long as i don't miss assignments. idk, it's super confusing. it's not entirely her fault either, she's an immigrant and english is her second language. there's a big age gap between us (40 years) its probably hard for her to raise a child, especially one as horrifically difficult to deal with as me. one time she said she hated me, but she apologized later and said she misspoke. which is fair i guess, she was under stress at the time. if i was her, id probably hate me too. idk i feel bad for saying i miss my dad (he died 5 years ago) my mom's trying her best and she got the bad luck of getting a child that is much more difficult than she bargained for. god im a terrible child lol.

oh, on the adhd thing- i feel like i exhibit symptoms for adhd pretty recognizably (although im not diagnosed, so its technically possible that i don't and i just need to try a little bit harder) but also i feel like i exhibit some signs of autism. but again. what. the heck. qualifies. i don't like drums (especially snare drums, which are RIGHT BEHIND ME IN BAND WHY-) and im bad with convoluted noise in general. but also like, i don't exhibit this all the time. sometimes i won't even notice drums all that much. sometimes i realize lights are way too bright like five minutes after being around them. i get hyperfixations, but im pretty sure that could just be the adhd thing. im bad at talking to people but again, i could just be bad. i scored 150 on the RAADS-R test, but that's not a diagnosis. idk. hah.

i'm outright just a negative person to be around, i can't think of a single person that is better off because i'm in their life. they either have to deal with all of my problems or i just end up not talking to them as much as a good friend should.

also i feel like my "skills" are really bad to the point that i can barely call them skills. in band, on my first instrument (euphonium) i'm first chair in the symphonic/advanced/audition band (somehow) but there's this one interval in a solo that i cannot nail down. and its annoying. in marching band its even worse, im on sousaphone which some would say is the most important instrument, but the director tells us to play louder all the freaking time (there's only 7 sousaphones and the band is like 200 people). my rank tells me im playing well but like. aaa. i could be playing better. last years rank leader was so ridiculously loud and i don't think i can match him.

other "skill" is cooking. some people might have seen the attempt at bread that i made. and the interior is just a mass of gluten. like. come on, i can do better than that. and then i also made like a chili dish to go with the bread, and the recipe called for too many beans. i should've recognized it, but no. there are too many beans. im annoyed. my mom doesn't like to eat beans that much so i feel like i failed her too. which, lovely.

ehhhh yeah i can talk about dysphoria here too. why not. idk one thing that made me spiral a bit was one of the people im not out to in marching band said "deadname you should get a buzz cut again it looked good" (i had a buzz cut for much of my childhood because long hair felt too hot) and fucking- i look better with a buzz cut than with long hair?! fucking murder me! oh my god! should i even transition as an adult at this point, i'd probably look even worse than i do now! am i just goddamn destined to be unhappy with my appearance?! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ok tw for sh for this next part

so all this manifested in a cutting habit (yippee) which is. mildly terrifying. but also i feel like this problem is also inferior because they aren't all that deep. like i see things about sh support that are like "here's how you know you hit an artery" and im like well. that's not been a problem insofar. maybe im being dramatic about this.

i don't even know why i do it. i don't feel particularly better when i do it. i guess i could be like adrenaline doping but that's not that big of a thing. it doesn't make me like special or worse than other people, cutting isn't that uncommon from what i've seen. 52% of trans girls reported self-injury over the past year (per the trevor project)

the annoying this is even when i see a way out i don't take it. when i first started i was using a partially rusted razor which i completely recognized as dangerous but like. i have my shots (thanks mom.) so that happened for a while until the rust got to the point where the blade was dull. yeah, that's the reason i stopped using a rusty knife: not because of the rust and the tetanus risk, but because the blade was getting dull. that's fucking pathetic.

so instead of stopping like a normal fucking person i (still cannot believe i did this) went on amazon and bought a $10 pocketknife. and now that's just on my person. i could've stopped, i had an out, but i spent money on a different knife. s t u p i d.

tw suicide ideation

oh, something else horrifying? the thoughts i had regarding sh like... two months prior to starting are. shockingly similar to the thoughts i have regarding suicide. (i don't think i'm going to commit suicide, that's a bit more commitment that a few scars on my forearm and thighs). but i mean like, i like to sleep. maybe this wouldn't be too different. people wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

and don't tell me i "matter," i'm perfectly aware of the 143.8lbs of matter i take up in this universe i take up and how much of a waste it is. possible eating disorder tw for the next part.

okay like. im weird with food. what the hell counts as an eating disorder. im not underweight, (i know this is not an end-all be-all by any stretch of a hyperflexible imagination, but my bmi's 19.0. that's technically in the healthy range). i'm skinnier than i was 18 months ago. but like. i'm not wasting away. i just have a calorie-counting habit that is. annoying. along with a general fear of gaining weight. sometimes i'll eat what i feel is too much and i have an urge to make myself vomit (i've never done that before, but i have a general idea) but the thing that stops me is the vivid image of my esophagus dissolving. which i guess is good.

why? i don't know. that's a theme here, isn't it. i don't know why im the stupid ridiculous way that i am, which probably means im bullshitting everything. but i don't know. it's like all my issues are on the borderline of "okay you need actual help" and "eh, you'll probably be fine. just push through it." which again probably suggests that im actually fine and being ridiculous about everything. i'm not the only person in this world who has dysphoria. im not the only person whos unsure about coming out to their family. im not the only person who engages in self-injury. im not the only person who has suicidative thoughts from time to time. i have what most people would call a good life. im physically able-bodied, lean, fit into the school system, have a parent, i live near a school, and im not under threat of dying by someone else's hand. these are all advantages that tons of people probably wish they had. why do i complain so much. im so ready for this post to get a response of "this is nothing, just deal with it. good god." and that's fair.

idk, i guess im tired. im tired of avoiding the mirror constantly, tired of keeping a running track of the amount of energy ive consumed in the past 24 hours, tired of doing the same thing each day with no real end in sight, tired of feeling like i need to push myself harder, tired of seeing an arm covered in scars when i reach over myself to turn off the light each night when i go to sleep, tired of going to sleep and sometimes wishing i wouldn't wake up.

do i even deserve anything. do i deserve friends. do i deserve to be happy. do i deserve to get the things i want. do i deserve a good life. do i deserve to transition if i want to. do i deserve help. do i deserve to take up societies resources, whether that be food, water, medical care, or therapy.

do i deserve to live?

if you read this far, uh. im sorry. this probably took a long time that could be better dedicated to something more important than a random teenager on the internet. but here we are.

if you want to say something 1. probably don't. my brain has found a way to basically not let me accept help but if you want to try, that's your prerogative. 2. if you want to say something but don't know what to say, that's fine. i know the feeling and what the hell do you say to whatever this post is anyway.

[mylifemydiary]

I got the job.

8/24/23

I had so many things lately I've been wanting to vent about, I just haven't had the time to actually sit down and put my thoughts down. And now I have a few minutes, and I don't remember a lot of what I wanted to say.

I will say I got a call today and I got the job. I start November 20th. I will get an official offer letter on September 12th, which is my oldest son's birthday. I am grateful to get the job, and now worried that something will happen between now and then. Like ww3, a nuclear attack, a railroad strike, some sort of horrific accident leaving me permanently impaired, or something else unlikely that I can worry about until then.

I dread leaving my sweet baby in daycare. He's been with me every single day since he was born. He's a mama's boy through and through. My older son will be 5 by then and he is ready for some structure for sure. I think he will do great. He loves to learn and color and create art, I just hope he has an easier time with the transitions of the day than he had last year. But my BABY. My sweet sweet bubba. My Bubbers. My Sweetie Beatie. And all the other pet names I call him. He is my last baby and my everything. My husband pointed out there are 3 photos of him all by himself on my family picture wall, 'almost like you have a favorite...' he joked. I kinda do. I know I'm not supposed to and it will most likely change as his attitude and feelings toward me change as he grows, but for now he is innocent and sweet and loves me completely and I want him to stay like that forever. If I could save time in a bottle...

As for the complaints, my father in law was in town for more than a month and some of my venting was about him. For the most part, he wasn't as needy as he has been in the past, but there was still plenty of times were he needed my husband's help. My husband let him take the last working golf cart from here, so that he could sell it in his town, and I was okay with letting it go because we need the money. We have medical bills pilling up, my husband's truck is literally on it's last leg, our fence still isn't done. Lots of things. So I was okay with his taking it to sell. Then my husband tells me he is letting HIM keep the money for it. What. The. Actual. Fuck. The only reason I was okay with him taking it is because I know we need the money. And yet he is giving it to him. Okay, fine, it's not my money anyway so I can't say anything. Then his cousin asks him to borrow money. And he's taking money out of his accounts to give it to him. I am pissed about that, but again, not my money. And he was quick to remind me of that fact. It's not my money. Fine, but again, when his cousin was building a pool, spending 800 a month on weight loss, having all 3 of his kids in tae kwon do several times a week, generally living it up, we never asked him for any money. It infuriates me but like he said, he's spent more on me over the years. I am his wife though, I thought. But whatever. I can't get mad. I've spent more than my share of money. I just can't stand that HE is the one he asked for money. Like we are dripping in diamonds over here. His truck doesn't have AC, and every day is over 110.

I hope now, that I actually like this job and am not stressed out and able to keep up. I worry in my old age with my mom brain that I'm a little rusty. But I guess we'll see!

[fixing-bad-posts]

I haven't watched rop myself but I would absolutely like to hear your thoughts. Like, this is your cue to vent (if you wanna) :)

okay so i just got three asks about rings of power when i didn’t expect anyone to actually message me about this at all!!! as such, i’ll be giving my opinion in three parts with this being, part one: rings of power as a bad adaptation.

basically, the failure of rings of power is two-pronged: 1) it’s a bad adaptation, and 2) it’s a poor piece of writing. charitably, it’s a solid first-try for a pair of newbie showrunners who have never written a big project before. and following that, a bad adaptation is actually easier to forgive than a poorly written story—with a text so beloved, and without the proper rights to all the material (they only had access to the appendices of lotr), it was always going to be impossible to make a perfect text-to-screen translation. that said, it’s (imo) a pretty bad adaptation (although still not as bad as the artemis fowl movie lmao) for a few reasons: thematic interpretation, use of characters/characterization, justification of setting, and fidelity to canon lore.

on: themes—a good adaptation requires both an understanding and an appreciation of the source material, two things which rings of power lacks. in this promo article, the rop writers summarize tolkien’s works as about “friendship,” “brotherhood,” and, “underdogs overcoming great darkness,” and cannot imagine a tolkien story without hobbits. from this, it’s clear that they were first peter jackson movie fans, and then read all other book material as auxiliary support for what is inevitably peter jackson’s interpretation of tolkien’s writings on the third age. whether or not i agree with pj’s interpretation is irrelevant against the fact that the first and second ages of middle earth are stories with completely different themes than the third age. interpreting everything though the same thematic lens as the third age is a fundamentally flawed approach to telling a second age story.

the second age is permeated by arguably recent, memorable trauma from the war of wrath—the human characters are further removed via the mortal generations that have passed, but many of the elves were alive to see these events in (relatively) recent memory. this dissonance between elves and men regarding the events of the first age fuels some of the most interesting wider conflict throughout the second age (ex. the númenóreans being manipulated to become obsessed with/envious of elven immortality & the powers of the valar). furthermore, the world impact (i can’t say global impact because the world is not yet a globe) of the war of wrath fuels the setting (political reformation, social, cultural, and technical development). but rings of power ignores all of this because the showrunners don’t seem know what to do with any of it. they are trying to interpret second age events as if they have the same story elements/are painted in the same thematic palette as the events of the war of the ring. they relegate the events of the first age to ‘ancient history,’ instead of using its fallout as direct motivation for anyone except galadriel (more on this in the following section). the tension between elves and men is flattened into an allegory for contemporary immigration, which neither makes sense in-universe (there is a scene in which a group of men gather in the town square to protest the elves ‘stealing their jobs’ even though there is only one (1) elf on the island and she has not to date done any labor or craft associated with the people present), nor adapts the canon themes of anti-industrialization, anti-materialism, and fear of mortality.

on: character—whether the writers were/are incapable of doing their own analysis of the text, or their analysis is flawed, the result is that they struggle to write characters and conflicts who don’t fit into stock tropes. for example: galadriel—she’s the only elf who has any trauma about the war of wrath/the wars in beleriand, and this makes her seem like a poor communicator at best and paranoid/unreasonable at worst (she claims sauron is still at large but the writers never give the audience a reason to believe this, which implies that her crusade is fueled by dubiously exceptional trauma). this is especially egregious in a scene played opposite elrond where she tells him he can’t possibly understand her pain, and he just kind of lets this accusation stand despite the fact that he was functionally orphaned in a slaughter, and then adopted by two mass murderers before losing them too. but i digress.

on: canon lore—many creative decisions were ostensibly made to appeal to casual fans of the peter jackson movies. characters with recognizable names are given top billing in the storylines. galadriel. elrond. the pre-hobbits are given an entire section. meanwhile, key players of the second age like celebrimbor and gil-galad are made side characters in elrond plotline. why? because no one who has only seen the films recognizes their names, thus they wouldn’t be profitable to feature, and they wouldn’t sell a show. it’s only so transparent because the writers spend every episode contemplating how best to recreate memorable moments from the lord of the rings movies. galadriel is constantly shot with close ups on her eyes to mirror her film introduction in fellowship. shots of bronwyn (one of the rop original characters) at the elven outpost are framed, blocked, and even written in word-for-word monologue to recreate iconic éowyn-at-helms-deep scenes. various characters are constantly quoting the lord of the rings movies. the worst is when bronwyn practically quotes a section of sam’s iconic osgiliath speech to her frightened son, implying that sam’s speech is a collection of common idioms.

on a tangible level, the writers also fail at the monumental task of presenting a large map in a way that makes sense to people who don’t already know the world. they represent “the southlands,” as two villages, giving the sense that mordor as a whole is about fifteen kilometers wide. the timeline is fucked because they tried to condense it, while giving no clear indication of when anything is happening in relation to anything else, so it’s incredibly difficult to grasp the scope of any project or journey. for some reason they invented a fourth silmaril of dubious origin. they had elrond, raised by sons of fëanor, swear an oath only to break it in the following episode. they’ve made the choice to have all the elves speak quenya without acknowledging the history of sindarin vs. quenya and the politics of why certain elves speak it or don’t (i would love to see even one nod to thingol’s influence on elven language).

tl;dr—rings of power misreads, misunderstands, and miscommunicates the crucial themes of the second age. this leads to a complete misinterpretation of the pre-known movie characters they feature, as well as a sidelining of important book characters who aren’t movie-fan favourites. their attempt to properly explore a vast setting is clumsy, and the show invents lore out of a source material that already has arguably too much. 

(i have to go run some errands but i have more to say on rop as a poor piece of writing regardless of its status as a so-called adaptation. i’ll be back.)

[milkywaylights]

My thoughts and interpretation about Love All Play Ep 1 after I rewatched it

PART 3

(Contain Spoilers)

You can read the previous parts here (just click the part you haven't read):

Part 1

Part 2

The reasons why this drama titled "Going to You at a Speed of 493km" - part 1

Actually there's a lot I want to talk about about the title of this drama.  The title "Going to You at a Speed ​​of 493km" for me, are words that really describe Park Taejun who came as fast as a speed of 493km to keep Park Taeyang by his side.

Before that, I would like to inform you that this commentary will be dominated by Taeyang and Taejun's first conversation outside the pub, because for me, their conversation at that time was really the starting point of their relationship. Thanks to Taejun. These conversations are also the basis of the drama's title, "going to you at a speed of 493km", and become the strong pillars that help the Park Twins relationship develop and stay intact.

Going to you at a speed of 493km was started by Park Taejun who wanted to get rid of "half of his life" which is his favorite racket, and no longer care about badminton. But he saw Park Taeyang sitting at another table with the Yunis team. Maybe for a moment he remembered what happened when they were 12 years old. Before Taejun's team had a drink, Jaesik brought up the topic of Taejun who started it all at the age of 7, while Taeyang has such extraordinary talent that Taejun was amazed at her who at that time was 12 years old and playing badminton for the first time.

Taejun who had been lying to himself and pretended to "don't care about badminton" saw Taeyang for who she was, without knowing the strange rumors that had spread over the past 3 years.

Taeyang who was venting all her emotions by playing games caught by Taejun's eyes.  He heard everything Taeyang said, and he also knew that Taeyang was in trouble.

Taeyang with all her inferiority still felt that the score he got from the hitting game was lacking, but Taejun said that "you even got a bonus". That means, Taejun sees Taeyang as a person he has admired from a long time ago.

Spoiler:

Do you remember the 3 reasons why Park Taejun dated Park Taeyang?

1. Taeyang is cool

2. Taeyang is better than Taejun

3. Taejun wants to date someone who is better than him.

Taejun usually doesn't care who's great or who isn't, because that's absolutely none of his business.  But when he saw someone squandering talent and feeling inferior even though it was confirmed that the person had very good potential, Taejun couldn't let it go.  He was always affected when he saw such people, because he envied them. They already know that they are really great, but still doubt it.  Meanwhile Taejun firmly believes that he is nothing more than an ordinary person with ordinary badminton skills.

Therefore, I think Taejun is very attracted to Taeyang who is fragile, because he knows that low self-esteem is very painful.  At least he met someone he recognized his abilities, and he supported her since 12 years.  And finally, Taejun approached Taeyang.

Taejun suddenly gave his racket to Taeyang, and Taeyang didn't ask why.

I think Taeyang didn't understand what Taejun was doing because she has never dated anyone.  So when Taejun approached her, she reacted strangely and didn't know what to do in response to Taejun's actions. Besides, Taeyang already knows that Taejun is the Taejun she knew in her childhood.  But she tries not to get too close to people she knows.

From my perspective as a person who has never dated, I understand why Taeyang chose to hold back.  There are things to consider in the mind of a girl who has never been close to a boy. From the first time Taeyang saw Taejun compete (he even saw Taejun forfeit), she was already attracted to him. But, of course, apart from the problems she was currently facing, she was also confused by her own feelings.

If we show too much weakness to someone, we will be afraid to end up depend on them. Maybe that's how Taeyang felt at that time. Because she felt Taejun always saw her who was at the weakest and darkest point in her life, and Taeyang also saw Taejun who had his own problems.

This reminds me of Run On.  Oh Mijoo and Ki Seongyeom's characters also have the same bond as the Park twins. Oh Mijoo feels sorry for Ki Seongyeom whereas she shouldn't feel sorry or worry about someone when her own life is also at a worrying point.  Then Ki Seongyeom also always saw Oh Mijoo who was at her weakest point, and Mijoo didn't like that because if someone found out that she was weak, she would be trampled on and being "exiled" again.

For me, Taeyang and Taejun also have a similar way to them. Taejun accidentally or intentionally always saw Taeyang's weak point, and Taeyang also understood that Taejun was not okay.  Therefore, their relationship becomes very special and fully formed.

[mercurygray]

I saw a post recently from @momentofmemory about the lack of Sam fanfic content, and I felt that, so...I wrote a thing. I'm not going to promise it's a great thing, but the line about showing up for people was something that occurred to me after episode two or so and I just felt like...someone ought to say it.

The hardest part wasn't the flying - it was finding a place to land.

There were days when Sam wished he'd never done it - tried to catch that guy running impossibly fast down the Mall, joked with him afterwards, talked with a fellow vet about sleeping on hard ground. His life might be easier now if he hadn't.

Or it might have been even worse. There were many variables between here and there, and George Bailey he was not. All he could do was deal with what was right in front of him - which at this point was a glitching intake vent on Redwing. Sam carefully pried another lump of glue off the hardshell case. "Ham fingered..." Who on earth did they have working on these things, anyway? His nephews did a better job on their Lego dioramas.

Still, there was something oddly comforting about doing his own repairs. If it failed, there wasn't anyone he could blame but himself. Which felt safer, honestly, given the present climate.

"Sam, Sam, the traffic jam." He looked up across the hanger, where a tall woman with a big smile and her hair in a bun was making her way across the floor, aviators tipped up on the top of her head. She looked like she might have just come in from a field exercise - but the two cups of takeout coffee in her hands suggested otherwise. "Someone said you were causing trouble in here."

"Hey, it was your flat tire I was fixing, Sergeant Whitman," Sam shot back, sitting up a little taller in his chair. "So technically the traffic jam was all you."

"Fair enough," she acknowledged. Technically they'd met at some point before that, but there was a fair bit of bonding that went on while you struggled to get the lugnuts off a back tire in afternoon traffic, and now that they had that experience in common, Holly Whitman felt just a little closer than most of the other soldiers he'd been working with. "How you been? I feel like I haven't seen you for a bit."

"Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of that," he said, setting aside his soldering iron so he could sit back and actually have a conversation with the woman.

"Torres said you were back in the hangar, I thought I would stop by." She held up one of the cups and gestured towards the table. "Got you a coffee. Black, cream, two sugars."

He allowed himself a stare for effect. "Usually it's three; you some kind of mind reader?"

She laughed and shook her head. "I just figured you weren't a fancy coffee guy and went from there."

He moved a few parts and his case of tools out of the way, making a space so she could set down the two cups and pull up another chair. It was from a place near the base owned by a couple of vets who'd picked up a taste for good coffee overseas - they roasted their own beans and the smell alone was enough to bring Sam back.

He took a sip and found it cool enough to drink. It seemed like an age since his cup this morning, and he sipped gratefully. There was something about these hangars that got cool, even in the afternoon. He looked up and found her watching him. A thought occurred. "Did Torres send you?"

She sat back a little. "Now what makes you say a thing like that?"

Sam looked at his coffee, studying the sharpie on the cup and the way the barista had dashed off the y on 'holly x 2' "Oh, just a vibe I get from him. Kind of kid who picks up strays."

"Don't they say it takes one to know one?" she punted back with a quirked eyebrow, smiling wider when he realized he'd kind of walked into that one. "No, he just told me you were back. I figured I really did owe you one for the tire, and the coffee's the least I can do." She thought for a moment. "Especially if you, of all people, think of yourself as a stray."

Another one he'd sort of walked into- but some days, here, at least, it felt like it, a little - not quite air force, but not quite a civilian. Not a superhero or super soldier, but not just a guy on the ground, either. And it seemed like she'd...seen this, because she went on, leaning into the table a little and tapping the side of her coffee cup.

"No, I was, um...I was just thinking, after I'd seen you around the hangar a bunch, and the way Torres talks about you, and then after the tire..." She paused, shrugged, looked up. "I think you spend an awful lot of time showing up for other people, Sam, and I got to thinking that...post blip and everything, I don't know if there are a lot of people who show up for you. And I'd...like to be one of them, if you'd like. I'm not a...a superhero, or anything, but...I'm good for a coffee run. And to listen. If you ... need that."

She looked...embarrassed, by the offer, but it made Sam wobble a little, the way he'd felt reading the card from Riley's sister with the photographs, or Steve showing up at his front door saying he had nowhere else to go, a welling up of feeling incredibly proud and wildly humbled and painfully seen, all at once.

What had he been looking for? A place to land? He nodded. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

She back in her chair, obviously relieved. "Just don't ask me to help you fix him," she said, gesturing to Redwing and taking another sip of her coffee. "I failed sixth grade robotics."

He couldn't help but grin. "Sarge, I've seen you with a tire iron, I'm not letting you anywhere near this."

[bellfort3]

This is a vent fic i wrote ages ago. I don't have any plans for it, so I'm giving it to you. It's a gift. You can honestly do whatever you want with it. It's completely yours, add to it, read it, delete it, I don't mind. I think you might enjoy it and tbh i just want to be free of it. Its not published anywhere or anything. Uh tw for mildly implied suicidal thoughts.

Wilbur leaned back in his chair, taking a drag of the energy drink on his desk. He was streaming, and it had been nice and chill so far. Some QnA, some GeoGuesser and he'd promised to play a song for chat at the end.

"Thank you BXLBB for the 20," he exclaimed. "BXLBB" he repeated dramatically, and laughed. "Geez, put a vowel in your name dude. Do I plan on doing more chill streams? Yeah probably. We'll have to see how it goes, I'm not really going by too much of a schedule right now." He leaned forward. "Millie X, thank you for the 10. OK, so I think we-"

BRRRRNG!

Wilbur jumped violently in his chair, then giggled slightly. "Oh god that was my phone. I didn't"- he laughed again. "I wasn't expecting that chat, it made me jump. That's going to get clipped, isnt it. Jesus."

BRRRRING!

He looked at the phone screen. TommyInnit calling. Wait. Tommy calling? At 11pm, while  Wilbur was streaming, AND on his phone? With no texts or discord messages first? That was concerning. It was probably just Tommy being an ass, but the anxious part of Wilburs brain said he had to be sure. Ugh, if he was pranking him, he would kill that child. Tommy would just messing around, in which case the moment he started talking, Wil would tell him he was streaming and immedietly hang up on him.

"Oh fuck, it's the FBI," he yelped. He had to play it of as a joke for chat. "They saw how good I am at Geoguesser and now they're all after me. Hold on chat, let me just take this and make sure everything's alright. I'll be right back."

He muted his mic and picked up the call.

"Hullo TommyInnit."

No response.

He turned his volume up. Maybe it had been too low.

If he really strained, he could hear a very faint noise.

Oh fuck.

His anxiety was starting to creep in now.

"Tommy?"

Silence again.

"Tommy, I can't hear you."

More silence.

And then there was a muffled choking noise, and a quiet broken voice said "Hey Will."

For a split-second, Wilbur wondered if someone else had got his number by mistake. He had never in his life heard Tommy sound like that. But it had to be him by the call screen.

"Tommy are you OK?" Thank God he didn't ignore the call, thank god he didn't ignore the call. "Whats going on?"

Another beat of awkward quiet.

"It's nothing," muttered Tommy. "I-I'm sorry for bothering you Wil."

Oh fuck it must be bad. This was the teen who had told him his mother was dying to get him on stream.

"Tommy tell me what's going on."

"I don't- honestly Wilbur it's, I mean- I just-" Tommy stammered. He breathed out slowly and shakily. His voice was getting more watery and unsteady, in a very un-Tommyinnit like way. "I can't- can't seem to do-." He exhaled again and then he blurted out "Wil I want to delete my channel."

"You want to delete your channel?" Wilbur was trying to keep his voice level, but he could hear a tiny bit of incredulity and panic spill through.

Tommy was getting more worked up now. "I'm going to delete it Wil, I'm going to."

"Woah, woah. Don't do anything you'll regret. Where are you?"

"In my room. At my desk."

"OK. Sit on your bed away from the PC. Are your parents home?"

"They've gone out." He could hear a soft SCHMF as Tommy threw himself on the bed.

"So what-why do you want to delete your channel, Tommy?" The question 'what happened?' was clear in his words.

"I hate it Will. I... I don't like, I mean- honestly Wilbur, everything that's on there is shit. What is the point of keeping it up?" Tommy sniffed.

"Tommy..."

"Don't sugarcoat it Wil, I know- I know- I see how things are, you know. And I know I let you down and" Tommy's voice broke. "I'm sorry-I'm sorry, I've fucking failed Wilbur, I've let everyone down, I shouldn't even- I didn't mean to fuck everything up like I have, I dissapointed you-" and then Tommy was really crying, with sobs muffled by his hands and the phone.

Wilbur was stunned. Truly stunned. This was not a prank. Tommy was not OK. Tommy wanted to destroy everything he had worked for. Tommy was crying.

"Tommy," he said softly. "You haven't dissapointed me. Why did you think that?"

"Cos' y'know I-" he sobbed. "You-you like believed, you thought I could do good with my channel and my streams, but it's-" he sobbed again. "All of its so shit, and- and I've thrown away all my chances and I've limited everything and I just think it would be-" Tommy couldn't get the rest out. 

"Tommy, your videos are good. Maybe they're not all amazing, but you worked hard on all of them and they're all enjoyed by people." Wilbur was still reeling. "You don't hate all of them right?"

Tommy, save for crying, didn't reply.

"Right?"

No response.

"Tommy, trust me, you just don't see it now but I don't think your channel is as bad as you think. Did someone say something?"

"No!" Tommy cried, insistently. "No, no, you don't understand, this is just the way it is. Nobody told me, I came to this realisation myself."

"But," Wilbur started. "This realisation of yours is total nonsense Tommy."

Tommy sniffled.

"I don't know. I'm sorry Will."

"Are you doing OK? Is everything alright at school and home?"

"It's fine. Its... Fine."

"You don't think you're, you know, going through something? Are you depressed?" As Wilbur said this a realisation of his own hit him- he was still streaming. Chat was going crazy. He typed in chat: "everything is OK, but I have to end stream now. Sorry everybody. Go send Niki some love." Then he pressed the raid button. And watched the viewers drop.

"Wil I'm not-I don't know," Tommy said. "It would just be easier-well, better for everyone if it was gone. If I was y'know."

'End Stream.' Click. Hopefully the Internet wasn't too rabid. Then Tommy's words caught up with his brain. "Wait, Tommy you don't mean that," he said. "Thats really concerning Tommy. What about Dream and Techno and Tubbo and Schlatt? All these people you-"

"No!" Tommy screamed, immedietly distressed. "No, no, no, no, they don't, I can't-"

"Tommy, Tommy, calm down. It's OK." Tommys breathing filled the space.

"I'm getting Phil."

"No, please don't get Phil, please Wilbur I'm sorry, please Will-" Tommy spluttered frantically.

Wilbur typed a message to Phil with rapid speed, explaining what had happened.

Phil called immedietly, and Wil muted his phone.

"Will, what the fuck is happening? I saw you ended stream early. And you say Tommy's-." Phil was silent for a second. "Oh. Is he OK?"

"I have him on the phone, Phil, please talk to him."

Wilbur unmuted his phone.

"Hiya mate," Phil said softly.

Tommy quietly replied "Hi Phil."

//TW FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS//

Anon what the actual fuck. I just read this while sitting in ap world and I’m literally like stunned. Anon how-anon-I-

This is rlly rlly rlly good. Like rlly good. It actually made me feel like I was there like I was Wilbur what the fuck this lowkey wrecked me what

Anon I know you have gifted this to me but please. I think it’s amazing and that you should continue with it if you want to. It’s very good.

Please come back and talk to me!! I’m invested in this now

[alltheangstmygifttoyou]

I posted 329 times in 2021

124 posts created (38%)

205 posts reblogged (62%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 1.7 posts.

I added 184 tags in 2021

#art - 52 posts

#learn to be - 30 posts

#writeblr - 29 posts

#morgan weasley - 18 posts

#ask away - 17 posts

#a family curse - 9 posts

#tag game - 8 posts

#cats - 8 posts

#old story - 7 posts

#vent - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 99 characters

#cordelia eventually snaps about it making very clear to the reader that what theyre saying is cruel

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Catch Up Game

Thank you for the tag @karolinarodrigueswrites :3

Rules: tag people you want to get to know better/catch up with!

Favorite Color: black, red, and purple

Currently Reading: Fangirl and My Hero Academia 

Last Song: Eddie from the Rocky Horror Picture Show

Last Movie: Galaxy Quest

Last Series: Falcon and the Winter Solider (haven’t finished it yet)

Sweet, Spicy, or Savory: Savory 

Craving: Sleep and an m&m cookie

Tea or Coffee: Hot chocolate, I don’t like caffeine 

Currently Working on: Everyone Needs To Learn To Ask For Help also known here as Morgan’s story

Tagging: @prose-for-hire @alexie-writes

7 notes • Posted 2021-06-02 16:11:05 GMT

#4

🍓, for the character you think needs a hug the most

Thank you for the ask!!

This is a very difficult question because my first thought was all of them. But if I had to pick specifically which charecter needs a hug then I would go with... I'm going to list a couple and explain why:

Greenland very much needs a hug. She struggles a lot with understanding her own emotions. She's scared of touch, its uncomfertable and feels dangerous, but she also craves it. A very soft hug that gives her the option to opt out would be best and probably make her cry. Which she needs to since she bottles everything up.

Noah also needs a hug because even though he suffers the least physical and emotional abuse of the main cast he very much is not able to properly handle his problems. As a young child he has to deal not only witnessing a gory death but also know he was the main cause. Not to mention his mothers rapidly decreasing health requiring him to become the caretaker of the house at a young age which meant he did not have many positive reactions outside of his mother. Who then gets ripped away from him and hes placed in a city sized school with thousands upon thousands of people older than him, placed in the group that kind of announces to everyone that you've either killed or are very well capable of killing a person, and expected to act like a kid that hasn't been homeschooled all their life and figure everything out. So he is in dire need for someone to hold him and let him know he's going to be okay :(

Btvs Eva needs a hug because ever part of her life has sucked and she goes back in time to try and get the very dysfunctional but at least better than her biological family back together safe and sound no matter what. Also has to deal with the fact that said dysfunctional family will never be quite the same as she knew them because of her interference in time travel and even though the majority of them would be dead in her orginal timeline even those that weren't might as well be. Which means even though she's trying to make their lives better and prevent some of the terrible things that happen that will inevitably highly affect their personality. So no matter what she isn't really going to get what she wants even if she does succeed in bringing everyone back together. So a group hug would be very good for her.

8 notes • Posted 2021-11-05 22:51:00 GMT

#3

Tw: suicide

Haha so um how do you email your teacher that you haven't done the homework because you got really sick and then got so overwhelmed that you tried to slit your throat and now you're on suicide watch and still haven't been able to do any homework cause the thought gives you a panic attack?

9 notes • Posted 2021-07-21 17:36:50 GMT

#2

Its five thirty in the morning and im shaking and having heart palpitations and im very tired but the idea of sleeping is making me anxious why is this happening

10 notes • Posted 2021-07-02 09:26:33 GMT

#1

Speaking of art by the lovely @flummoxedangel I dont remember if I shared this or not but this was a present they gave me of three of my favorite boys and myself. Wesely Wyndam-Pyrce is in the blue shirt, Percy Weasley is reading the book, and Karkat is the gray one with horns. These three are favorites that my mind keeps circling back to.

Edit: the fact that no one told me I spelled karkat as katkat and had to scroll through my own blog and see it xD

12 notes • Posted 2021-10-31 19:03:48 GMT

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