mylifemydiary

[mylifemydiary]

May 9th, 2024

I turned 42 last week. Exactly a week ago. My oldest son is moving to Boston with his girlfriend next Tuesday. My middle son is graduating pre-k, complete with cap and gown pics and a ceremony in a couple of weeks. My baby will turn 2 next month, and I can't even plan a party for him because my schedule changes week to week.

That part, I can live with. I already have goodies for the other toddlers in his class at daycare and I have a cake topper, so if nothing else we can celebrate here at home.

Oh and I'm leaving to get a mammogram right now. My second one, I had my very first last year at 41. I have so much to catch up on here but booby squishing calls.

[mylifemydiary]

I fucking did it!!!

1/31/24

Guess who took the LAST exam today and passed??? This lady! I made a 93 on exam 1, 95 on exam 2, and today who knows wtf my score was but the important thing was I passed!!! That's it! Now to get through tech week next week and I'm off to sit with a mentor and start making that 80%! I have studied my ass off and worried, and studied and worried, and lost my curly hair over this for the past 11 weeks and it has all paid off. Once I make it past my 90 solo shifts of probation, I will be all set. They said until you make your 90 days you can still be fired over rules violations though. So I am not completely out of the weeds, BUT I made it to the (almost) finish line and I feel so good. My sacrifices have been worth it.

I AM the little engine that could. And I fucking did!!!!

[mylifemydiary]

9 weeks in

1/18/2024

The holidays were a blur, new year came and went, we are almost 3 weeks into 2024. I have taken 2 out of the 3 exams that will make or break my career with this company, I made a 93 on the first and a 95 today. I study allll the free moments I have and I must say I am a little burnt out haha nervous laugh. I don't have time to even do my nails. I have mopped once in these past 9 weeks. My husband did it once. The housework is just not a priority to me. Sleep is, I'd rather study or sleep when I do get a minute. The second week I started making 80s, and in this "class" 90 or better is passing, 80-89 scores you one shot at a retake, and 79 or below is goodbye, turn in your shit. I am on their medical insurance now, as is my entire family. My husband needs a new vehicle, desperately, but we are afraid to get another car payment just in case something happens with my job. I have spent the entire 2023 trying to get this job, and ever since 11/20 I have been working hard to keep it. I have been so stressed my hair won't curl anymore. I have kept cutting it because I hate it now. It was past my shoulders and spiral curly and healthy, and it is now just below my ears and stringy and lifeless. The stress of working to maintain this job and the endless knowledge being taught to me has been exhausting and overwhelming. I am compensated nicely, and this is only 80% of my would-be pay. The benefits are unmatched and the place I will be working is about 7 minutes from my house. I can't fuck this up. That's what keeps me stressed. I just cannot. There are no other options at this point. So I keep going. And my hair keeps falling out and not curling. But it is what it is. I've had a pixie cut before. No big deal.

My oldest son was in the hospital for almost a week, because of his weed and vape habits. His lung collapsed. There was an ambulance ride involved. There will be follow up surgery. That was stressful as well. He was crying, he was so scared. Do you know what it's like for your grown son to cry and hold your hand? This year has been stressful and good, because I'm doing well, but I have one exam to go. The hardest one. That lasts hours long. I have a week to prepare. I can't imagine how much stress I will be under in the next coming days. But all I can do is my best, and continue to not fuck it up.

[mylifemydiary]

The Last Few Days

11/15/23

Welp. I start the first part of the rest of my life on Monday. The kids start daycare together, in different classrooms, of course. I took them by there today to see their teachers and classrooms. I know my 16 month old will have the hardest time, but luckily next week is a trial run of sorts, being Thanksgiving week they are only attending two days.

[mylifemydiary]

The following is a rant. Because I can.

10/9/23

I need to vent today. A lot.

I don't like kids. I never have. Even as a kid myself, I played alone. I found friends very troubling. More than one, and ultimately someone always ends up getting stabbed in the back. I don't like sports teams. Or being part of a team in general. I am a lone wolf. I prefer it that way. Until I don't.

I don't like dogs. Particularly other people's dogs. I find them annoying and tedious, too high maintenance and needy. And most of the time, nobody has just one. They have more than one. Which just multiplies the annoyance and neediness.

We are the only family who has two small children. Everyone else in my husband's family who had a baby within the past two years have older children. Teenagers, or double digits. We are the ONLY ones who have two who are not in school. And not just any two kids, because I feel like not all children are as hard as mine. I have a really hard 4 year old and a really needy baby, who is not yet walking but so close. Which means he is either crawling everywhere and climbing on literally everything and literally grabbing EVERYTHING within reach, my other one is constantly 'can I have this?' 'can I eat this?' tantrum after tantrum of trying to do something alone that he cannot in fact do alone and then outbursting again or whining about literally anything and everything. It is a lot to handle. Going out to eat is a beat down because halfway through the meal the baby wants to go crawl on the dirty floor and will cry and struggle until we leave. The other one wants food, no not that food that he previously ate and liked, something that is either not served there or wants to skip and go straight to something sweet or whines about what IS served and takes two bites and says he isn't hungry. It's not fun. It's relentless and exhausting and I'm fucking tired. I try to do something fun with them. I try. In my mind it's pictures of precious moments and opportunities for family togetherness, what I actually get is a dumpsterfire and myself being overwhelmed and hangry. It happened again this weekend. I wanted to do a pumpkin patch with the kids and sister in laws since the weather would be nice. We got lost in a corn maze first thing and I was agitated. Then I couldn't get any good family pics. I, in fact, did not get any good family pics. I don't have ANY pictures of just my husband and I on any outing we do or any recent ones. It's all pictures of the kids. The last pictures I have of just my husband and I are from my birthday. In May. We are now 5 months away from that. Oh, I take that back, I have the family pictures I forced us to do in June. So 4 months.

The icing on the cake is that I caught some type of cold there at the park. Despite being the only one to bring and use hand sanitizer, I woke up Sunday with a sore throat and green snot. Cool. Then we had my husband's father's birthday celebration at my brother in law's house. Who has two giant golden retrievers. With two small kids, it's just too much. I can't let the baby crawl because they will either lick him or run over him. My older one is face level with them and scared of their rambunctiousness. So he spent the whole time cowering or running away from them. I did eventually have to let the baby crawl around because he wouldn't stop struggling and crying and he proceeded to be engulfed in dog hair. Throw in the fact we asked for the menu the day before so we could purchase something, and then day of they change the menu entirely so what we purchased was not used at all. That was me trying to be proactive and trying to do our part with his last minute family. Never again. Next time I guess we can call when we are on our way and stop and get ice or whatever last minute detail has been forgotten.

Then came the part that really makes me insane. My husband's father invites him to his sister's house for poker in the evening. I felt like crap and just wanted to lay down. The baby wouldn't go to sleep despite the early bath. The 4 year old was whining and crying. All I wanted to do was lay down. And he just leaves. In the middle of two meltdowns while I feel like crap and am sick, he just leaves. It's great that everyone else has lots of help with their kids, but we only have each other. We often have to tag team it, one of us gets one kid and the other one gets the other kid. And it's necessary because they are a lot to handle. Neither one of them is an easy kid. And I got stuck with both at bedtime while I felt like crap.

I love all my children, I really do, but I also love my sanity and my freedom and I feel like I have neither. All day every day it is whining and tantrums and wiping butts and making sure nobody chokes and making sure nobody climbs and falls off of things and feeding and snacking and it's constant and relentless. And on top of that he has the nerve to point out when the house doesn't look spotless or happens to see some mold on the shower wall. He watched the kids for 4 hours a couple of weekends ago and managed to lose all 4 pacifiers. Those 4 are all we have, and we aren't buying any more because he's close to being weened off of them, and when I have the kids I keep track of them all day. I have to. I know where they are at all hours. Him? Idk, they're around here somewhere. REALLY. The older kid loses and freaks out about at least one toy three times a day. Doesn't remember where he had it, what he was doing with it, or where it could possibly be, but that's all he needs in life to be happy and exist and IT IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. Tantrums ensue. Then I have to search high and low for said item and it ends up being somewhere he should have known it was. But nah. It's easier to lose his shit over something so miniscule and make everyone panic and ruin everyone else's day.

I'm just sad and tired and seeing the pictures of my muffin top from Saturday is the last straw. I go the gym 3-4 times a week, and for what. I was excited to fit into those jeans that I haven't worn in years. But seeing the fat roll in every picture just ruined my entire day. I don't have much time left before I won't be going to the gym anymore for a while and I'm disgusting. It's enough to make me give up and crawl back into bed and just let the kids cry. I literally want to give up on everything.

Hopefully this is just my feeling for today and I can snap out of it.

[mylifemydiary]

About 6 weeks out

10/6/23

I will officially start my new full time job in about 6 weeks. I have been having bouts of a feeling, not really depression, a kind of sadness mixed with anxiety I guess. The feeling of impending change. Inevitable, yes, but also certain and looming. My whole life will change. I have been at home for 4 years now, not working, and this will be yet another complete lifestyle change. I am 41 years old and I do not like change. I never have. Even when the change has been wonderful on the other side, going into it I have always gone kicking and screaming. All of the what-ifs are always nagging at me before the trigger is pulled.

Last night I had a dream that my family and I were in a church, it was a funeral for all of us. We were dead, but still aware and conscious, I guess it was our souls? Anyway, a big Hispanic man came over and I was the first to be 'processed', which consisted of him slitting my throat from behind and then I calmly laid down, and he proceeded to remove my organs from the back. I didn't feel anything and I didn't struggle, because I knew it was all over and this was what was supposed to be happening. I wasn't sad, just numb. I heard him say oh, she would have found out she was pregnant on Monday... as he removed a fetus from my womb. Which, of course, in real life is impossible because my husband and I have both been surgically sterilized. I think that part was because I had watched some of those 'pregnancy test' tik toks where the women show their reactions. Regardless of why I dreamt it, it was disturbing and once I woke up I thought about it for quite some time after. I'm thinking about it now still. When I managed to go back to sleep my dream changed dramatically into some sort of dystopian world where I was searching for a bathroom to poop, in a world with orcs and elves and creatures. I welcomed the change.

[mylifemydiary]

Bubba

8/25/23

I love all my sons, but while I don't have a 'favorite', there's no denying the bond I have with my baby is different.

I wasn't trying to get pregnant when I was 18 and my oldest came along. I WAS trying to get pregnant with my middle child, but literally on the first try we conceived. I went off the pill in January and boom by February we were pregnant. So I naively assumed it would work the same way when we started trying for another baby. We knew going into it that he would be the last, and negative test after negative test was starting to wear me down. After months of trying, I finally got a 'YES' on the pregnancy test. Then came the gender. I am old enough to warrant the old lady testing, which gives you the gender if you want it, and I will never forget being at Target in the aisles and clicking on the email. Some women with two boys already might be praying for a little girl, but not me. I wanted another boy with everything I had. And I got him. I didn't even want a gender reveal just in case it wasn't a boy and I would be visibly disappointed, forever captured on camera.

I have been with him every day since birth, almost 14 months now. With my oldest, I was back to work at 6 weeks. With my middle child, I went back to work at about 3 and a half months. I did take off at 9 months to stay at home with him after that though. But this baby, day and night I have been with him. Even when I work part time, he can see me through the window. I still do his dinner with him even though I'm working. The daycare workers aren't allowed to change his diapers or feed him, so I still do that. If he cries for me too much, I can just walk in and get him. Knowing that he is the last baby makes everything that much more bittersweet. I hold him longer, take more pictures, stare a little harder. Try to remember to be in the moment and take it all in, because this will be the last time I'll see and do all these things with a baby that is my own.

All of this is coming to mind now that in 3 short months I will be going back to work fulltime. My soon to be 5 year old is ready for the change, he needs the socialization and structure. But my baby... I'm not sure I'M ready to leave him with strangers all day. He will wonder where I am, if I'm coming back, where I went. It hurts my heart to think about it. I know they'll send me pictures, and tell me when he eats and how much, and when they change his diapers, they did that with my middle son when he went there. I know he'll be taken care of. But he won't be with ME. His Mama. Or more importantly, I guess, I won't be with HIM.

[mylifemydiary]

I got the job.

8/24/23

I had so many things lately I've been wanting to vent about, I just haven't had the time to actually sit down and put my thoughts down. And now I have a few minutes, and I don't remember a lot of what I wanted to say.

I will say I got a call today and I got the job. I start November 20th. I will get an official offer letter on September 12th, which is my oldest son's birthday. I am grateful to get the job, and now worried that something will happen between now and then. Like ww3, a nuclear attack, a railroad strike, some sort of horrific accident leaving me permanently impaired, or something else unlikely that I can worry about until then.

I dread leaving my sweet baby in daycare. He's been with me every single day since he was born. He's a mama's boy through and through. My older son will be 5 by then and he is ready for some structure for sure. I think he will do great. He loves to learn and color and create art, I just hope he has an easier time with the transitions of the day than he had last year. But my BABY. My sweet sweet bubba. My Bubbers. My Sweetie Beatie. And all the other pet names I call him. He is my last baby and my everything. My husband pointed out there are 3 photos of him all by himself on my family picture wall, 'almost like you have a favorite...' he joked. I kinda do. I know I'm not supposed to and it will most likely change as his attitude and feelings toward me change as he grows, but for now he is innocent and sweet and loves me completely and I want him to stay like that forever. If I could save time in a bottle...

As for the complaints, my father in law was in town for more than a month and some of my venting was about him. For the most part, he wasn't as needy as he has been in the past, but there was still plenty of times were he needed my husband's help. My husband let him take the last working golf cart from here, so that he could sell it in his town, and I was okay with letting it go because we need the money. We have medical bills pilling up, my husband's truck is literally on it's last leg, our fence still isn't done. Lots of things. So I was okay with his taking it to sell. Then my husband tells me he is letting HIM keep the money for it. What. The. Actual. Fuck. The only reason I was okay with him taking it is because I know we need the money. And yet he is giving it to him. Okay, fine, it's not my money anyway so I can't say anything. Then his cousin asks him to borrow money. And he's taking money out of his accounts to give it to him. I am pissed about that, but again, not my money. And he was quick to remind me of that fact. It's not my money. Fine, but again, when his cousin was building a pool, spending 800 a month on weight loss, having all 3 of his kids in tae kwon do several times a week, generally living it up, we never asked him for any money. It infuriates me but like he said, he's spent more on me over the years. I am his wife though, I thought. But whatever. I can't get mad. I've spent more than my share of money. I just can't stand that HE is the one he asked for money. Like we are dripping in diamonds over here. His truck doesn't have AC, and every day is over 110.

I hope now, that I actually like this job and am not stressed out and able to keep up. I worry in my old age with my mom brain that I'm a little rusty. But I guess we'll see!

[mylifemydiary]

Fractured.

7/16/23

Last Tuesday, I did the unimaginable.

I have never had to take a child to the emergency room. My oldest was there twice, neither time on my account. My mom and grandma are the ones who let him get hurt. Once, he fell and hit the corner of his eye and needed glue, another, he fell off the bed and needed stitches on the other corner of his eye. I met my grandma at the hospital for that one, he was 4 or 5 maybe, and I had to help hold him down. That was a nightmare. And my grandma had to go to work, so it was just me and him. My middle son has never had to go to the emergency room, largely due to the fact that I have kept him away from my mom and grandma, I think. For 2 years we were in Florida, and they are rarely if even ever allowed to watch him by themselves. Except for the odd hour here and there if I have a work thing or a dr appointment. Flash to last Tuesday. I knew I shouldn't go down the slide with the baby in my lap. My husband has sent me the warning video, I think when my middle son was small, and I knew better. But there I was at the park with my mom and grandma, and I was sliding my baby down the slide by holding him and sliding him down. It was tiring, he is heavy. My mom kept saying 'slide down with him, I'll hand him to you.' 'I still think you should slide down with him.' 'Why don't you get up there and I'll hand him to you.' Over and over. In that moment, I didn't remember the warning videos. I knew a child's shoe, the rubber part, could get stuck on the slide and that was bad, but my baby just had his little fat feet out. And I needed to shut my mother up. So up we went. And sure the fuck enough, my baby's foot got stuck between my thigh and the slide. And his bone fractured. It was the worst feeling in the world, knowing I caused it. And immediately I told her 'i told you it was a fucking bad idea.' I was livid with her, but also myself for listening to her and her stupid ideas. IF that was the one time it had ever happened, I wouldn't be so angry about it. But she is constantly 'you need to do this. ' or 'he needs this and that' or 'you're not doing this' and I FUCKING HATE IT. I have had 3 children, she has only had the one. And yet she is constantly trying to mother my kids and go against what I want. One of these days I am going to blow up at her and hurt her feelings. Why is it so hard for me to just say that to her face? When I say NO, I fucking mean NO. Had she left it alone that day I wouldn't have broken my baby.

To add salt in the wound, my husband completely blamed me and shut down that way on me. He was livid, and I get it, but it was a mistake and I felt so shitty about it already. Every mom I confided in told me an equally shitty story of something they did to their child and the mom guilt that followed, and most of them said to me 'youre a good mother, accidents happen' But the one person I wanted and needed to hear that from, my husband, my partner, my best friend, completely iced me out and left me to my guilt. I cried myself to sleep. I just wanted him to say it would be okay and I wasn't a terrible mom. I still haven't heard those words from him, but at least he is speaking to me.

Once when we were in Florida, he did something that caused the TV to fall on top of our son, after I had told him that would happen. Luckily our son was fine, but our one year old $500 TV was broken. I never bring that up or throw that in his face. Had our son been rushed to the emergency room, would I have iced him out? Or would I have been his shoulder to cry on and after telling him I TOLDYOU SO I would have been on his side. But that's not what happened.

[mylifemydiary]

It’s looking good...

6/2/23

So my sister in law called this morning and she has the interview questions.  I can prepare super well for my interview that’s in 2 weeks.  I know I have no problems passing a drug test, no problems with the medical portion of things, and my two dwi’s were 10 years ago.  I have been married and had two children since then.  I am an entirely different person than I was in 2013.  I am confident, is there such a thing as being too confident?  I found out my 4 year old will not be starting prek this fall, I had no idea pre-k was for people on lower income or people who have special circumstances (adopted, military, etc.).  I just assumed 4 year olds went to pre-k.  Boy was I wrong.  My 4 year old will be starting kindergarten NEXT year, as a 5 year old.  In a way, other than the astronomical cost of having two children in the daycare, it works better.  I will be in training for 11 weeks.  In that time, my schedule will be set and monday through friday.  If my 4 year old were to go to school, he would be released probably by 2 or 3 in the afternoon.  If I put him in daycare, he can stay up until 6:30pm.  Once my actual shift starts I will be working 3rd or 2nd shifts, and I will need to be sleeping more during the day.  So that works out as well, that I can leave the children in the daycare until 6pm.  The closer I get to this job the more excited I am about it, and about paying off my debts and having good credit and a more positive outlook on life.  The work will be hard, it will not be easy leaving my kids, but I know I need to make money for this family and for my debts. I am hopeful and excited. 

[mylifemydiary]

second interview

5/31/23

Well I did it.  I got a second interview coming up in a couple of weeks.  After that, I have to pass a background and a medical check and then they might send me an offer. This is HUGE.  It’s 11 weeks of training, which will be normal hours, monday - friday and then I have to work 90 hours by myself, which is paid at 80%, and after that I’ll be a qualified dispatcher making more than $57 an hour.  That solves ALLLL of my money problems.  Quite literally.

The downside, is that I will have to put my baby in daycare because for the first couple of years it’s 3rd shift, maybe 2nd, and weekends and holidays.  It will suck.  But I am fortunate and part of a very small quantity of women who are lucky enough to spend their baby’s first years with them.  Most women go back to work at 6 weeks, maybe 2-3 months, and that’s it.  That’s all they get.  I’ve been home with my older kiddo for more than most of his life and he will be 5 this year.  The baby just turned 11 months, and when/if I start this job he will be already a year.  Most women are not that fortunate, and I know and appreciate that.  I will soak every last bit in, as best I can.

I pray that I do indeed get this job and make money for my family.  Someday we will be in a big house, with nice things and my husband will have a nice vehicle, and our time together will mean that much more because we will have worked hard for it.

[mylifemydiary]

Still waiting on that cheeseburger, Julio...

5/21/23

It’s been almost a month since I submitted the interview, and I have yet to hear back.  I just looked up my application and it says ��action required’, but no mention of what that action is.  

[mylifemydiary]

Goodbye, 40.

4/29/23

This past week has been a beatdown of epic proportions.  Not only has my baby broken things and spilled my coffee, I myself have broken things by accident and not taken it well.  I broke my ipad case, apple pen, one of the baby’s toy’s.  Today my husband and I got into an argument, minutes before I was to do a digital interview for the railroad job I need so badly.  He knows why now.  Yes, I will be attributing to the household budget and bills, but first and foremost I need to tackle my crippling debt.  Which, fingers crossed everything goes well, won’t take too long at the salary I hope to be making soon.  That was, I think, the only good thing to happen this week.  Me finding out they want to interview me.  I finished that today so we’ll see where it goes. 

I am tired of talking to the back of his phone.  I am tired of having full on conversations with him, including back and forth dialog, only for him to not recall any of it.  He is barely present most of the time and it’s because he’s got his head in his goddamn phone. It’s worse than it ever has been before.  My 4 year old has even noticed and tried to get his attention for me several times.  When I ask a question and don’t get an answer or when I have to repeat myself 3 or 4 times before I get a response.  He tunes me out so effectively now it’s impressive.  And disheartening.  Tik Tok is more important than his actual wife.  

[mylifemydiary]

Updates

 4/13/23

It has been 3 months since I took the test for a company and failed, and I retook it Tuesday.  I passed.  Now let’s see if I even get an interview and pass that part.  I can be charming, but I am also short on sleep and patience these days so we’ll see.  I still don’t even know if I actually want to work this job.  I don’t want to be away from my sweet baby.  He loves me a lot and the way his face lights up when he sees me is priceless.  I know we aren’t supposed to have favorites, but my oldest won’t even open my texts, my 4 year old has meltdowns about as often as he blinks his eyes, and my sweet baby just adores the sight of me.  So, yeah.  You do the math.  Not to say that won’t change, but for now I am soaking it in and trying to savor all the sweet moments of my last baby.  

I have book club tonight, something that I have not been able to go to since February.  It is only once a month, but it feels like forever ago since I had a kid free night out.  A few hours where I wasn’t responsible for wiping someone’s butt or making sure they eat or attending to their every need.  Last month the weather kept me away, and it sure was missed.  And it sure has been needed.

I love my children with all of my being but it is so exhausting and I feel like my husband doesn’t get it.  Yes, he will watch the kids without question and yes he is an amazing father.  To that end, I could not have asked for a better man to procreate with.  But when he ‘watches the kids’ that is literally all that is happening.  All the behind the scenes stuff a wife is responsible for is still very much there when I return.  The bottles that have to be clean, the dishwasher that needs to be emptied and filled, the laundry that needs to be washed, dried, and put away, the towels that get stale and don’t wash themselves, the floor that has to be swept hourly it seems so that the baby doesn’t put crumbs and dirt and whatever morsel he finds on the ground in his mouth.  It’s endless and thankless and yet has to be done.  All the time.  Relentlessly.  Whether the baby is screaming at me or not.  Whether the toddler is melting down for the 6th time this morning or not.  Probably why I can’t keep up with this diary like I want to.  I need to vent sometimes.  Often, even.  But do I have time to sit down and write my thoughts down?  No.  Do I have time to enjoy a bath bomb?  No.  Do I have time to go to the gym?  Yes.  Now that I make time for.  Just an hour in the mornings for me.  To work on myself.  Am I seeing improvements?  No.  Do I have to deal with my toddler on the way there, during and after?  Yes.  But I do it for me.  For a small release.  And then back to car seats and tantrums. 

[mylifemydiary]

The worst part of it all?

I think the worst part of it all, is not having anyone I can talk to.

[mylifemydiary]

Who has two thumbs and feels like a giant failure?  THIS GUY

1/11/23

I desperately need money for my credit card bills.  I am not even okay right now.  I had an opportunity to apply for a work at home job, part time, that would earn almost $200 a week from home and I could do it at night, but I failed the exam. Twice now.  Then my sister in law who works at BNSF said there was openings for a Dispatch trainee, which makes 100k a year, so I applied for that.  I didn’t pass that assessment either.  I have felt like a huge failure all day.  On top of that, my husband has been on vacation for two weeks and we have done nothing but spent money on food and now we are having to pinch pennies.  I cannot tell him how much I owe or that I borrow hundreds of dollars from my grandmother every month and have since I went out on Maternity leave almost a year ago.  One of these days she is going to say no and then I will be forced to tell him, or let my credit ruin which he will find out and be even more upset about.  I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel helpless, lost, and like I am not the bright person I once was.  I used to be so smart.  The BNSF test was as assessment of personality, to which it said there was ‘no right answer’ but obviously that was a huge lie because I failed it.  The other test was an open book one, that I failed in December but made it to the second part this time, only to fail the second part.  I failed one part on Saturday then followed it up with another failure today.  I cannot take much more rejection.  I am forgetting more things, I haven’t been able to work out lately because we don’t get up early enough.  I quit pumping for good, and that’s exactly when the baby decided to go through a sleep regression.  He used to sleep from 8pm to 4am every night without fail, now he wakes up at midnight and then I have a very hard time putting him back to sleep.  So I’m up more at night.  Then every night my 4 year old decides to throw a giant screaming fit.  Every single night.  It takes half an hour or more to get him back to sleep.  So between the two kids not sleeping, I haven’t been doing well.  

We are short on money and I forgot to use a gift card today at the store we went to.  I just feel exhausted and sad.  And anxious about my future.  I will have to tell him about the debt.  And he already is not happy with me.  

We are less than 2 weeks into the new year and I feel like a huge failure.  

I can’t control my 4 year old.  He is awful and I do not know how to deal with him without blowing up and getting angry.  He tells me he doesn’t love me.  I have already damaged him and can only hope it’s not beyond repair.  My 6 month old is fine but going through his sleep regression, which may kill us all.  We even switched formulas to help with his gassiness, thinking that might help him sleep, but so far not really.  He is eating purees.  I am hoping he will love me.  I am hoping he doesn’t make me scream at him and lose my shit.  I’m just exhausted and sad.  There’s really no other way to describe it.  

[mylifemydiary]

It’s the Unsolicited Advice for Me.

12/8/22

His feet are clammy.  Put some socks on him.  When was the last time you changed him?  His gums are itchy.  He’s hungry, make him a bottle.  He has a rash, why don’t you put diaper cream?  When was the last time he ate?  He looks sleepy.  

All of this usually within an hour.  It’s overwhelming.  I am usually one step behind all of these things because I’m too busy loading the washer, or unloading the dishwasher, or pumping, or washing bottles and pump parts, or yelling at my toddler, or cleaning up a mess he made, but always about to do whatever it is I’m being ‘told’ to do and it drives me up the wall. 

Last week my husband had his vasectomy.  We are both now officially sterile.  I took this week off of work because I wasn’t sure how hard his recovery was going to be on him, and coincidentally the flu has been ravaging the gym where I work.  So not only did I not go to work, I didn’t go to work out because I would have had to take the kids, and the only one in this house who hasn’t had the flu shot is the baby who cannot get it until 6 months.  He’s 5.  So I didn’t want to risk it and we have stayed home.  Well my husband felt well enough to go to work yesterday so he did, and came home sick.  I am so disappointed that all my efforts all week have pretty much been for nothing.  I have to go back to work next week and there is nobody to cover my shift, literally one person quit and one got fired this week and two others were out with the flu, not to mention my boss’s last day is tomorrow.  The schedule has never looked so slim.  Oh I take that back, it looked like this in May when I was working 6 days a week.  I bought some lysol to spray everything down and made him wear a mask to feed the baby last night, but throughout the day the germs have been spread and I’m sure resistance is futile now.  And my toddler drank out of his dad’s cup even after I specifically said not to, and then later had the baby’s hands in HIS mouth which will then end up in the baby’s mouth so we are pretty much fucked at this point.  Which just makes me feel so defeated.  I might as well have gotten my workouts in, seeing as how I still hate my body and can’t seem to get any momentum going on my workouts like I want.  I was starting to go 4 times a week and was happy with that but then this week came along and wrecked it.  I originally had planned to keep working out this week but I don’t want to risk the flu.  I don’t think my husband has the flu, but any bugs are not good bugs right now.  

I started my day with disappointment.  I was taking an exam to be an online rater, and after downloading and printing a 166 page manual and during which having to buy toner, then splitting the test up into several parts so that I could complete it, got back a result within minutes that I had failed.  It doesn’t tell you by how many or what they were looking for in a result, just that I had failed.  I was hoping to get that job so that I could make some extra money on the side for my credit card bills, but now that will not happen.  It’s just disheartening because I was so sure I would pass.  I know it’s not meant to be.  That’s probably for the best because I barely have time to hear myself think during the day, let alone do a whole job.  I wish I had a plan b but so far the only thing that comes up is online surveys, which I would have to do massive amounts of just to get like twenty bucks.