#which I GUESS could be an answer in itself but one I've not accepted yet

[tetsumie]

hey! saw that you were accepting reqs for your 1k event (which congrats btw! so deserved) so was wondering if you could do kuroo w/ the prompt "do you love me?" and let it be hurt/comfort plspls & i couldn't think of an au so uh maybe college au ?? (you can pick the au if you don't feel that one) but yeah tysm and u totally don't need to write it if you're too busy. once again congrats on 1k!

𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐓𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐄𝐘𝐄𝐒

pairing: college student!kuroo x reader

genre: comfort

content: you come home after a long day to find solace in kuroo who reminds you that you're not alone.

cw: feelings of insecurities and late night overthinking thoughts

a/n: hi anon bby sorry for posting this so lateeee i've been in a little slump lately but writing this helped me out of it so i appreciate you lots! enjoy! (also this is lwk self indulgent sooo hahahahaha)

if burn-out could take human form, it would be you.

it's a late friday night when you finally come home from a long shift from your part-time job. the door closes behind you with a quiet click, and you find yourself sliding down against it, your back pressed against the cold wood. your legs are outstretched in front of you, head bowed low, and your arms lie limp at your sides.

god, you're so tired.

"hey," a familiar voice speaks up and pulls you out of your thoughts. "welcome home."

you slightly lift your head and see that he's crouched down beside you, honey-colored eyes looking at you with concern.

you blink in surprise. "tetsu? what are you-"

"your roommate let me in," he cuts you off, as if he anticipated your question. "don't worry, they're not here, they're out for the night."

"oh."

kuroo studies your features with his gaze lingering on the exhaustion etched into your features. you look so worn out and drained.

he can’t help but feel a pang of worry run through his body.

with no hesitation, he scoops you up in his arms which is answered with a surprised yelp from you. "alright you big baby, let's go take a nice bath, yeah?"

you find yourself sitting in front of him with your chest against his back in the bathtub. the scent of the vanilla bath soap fills the air, and the soft glow of candlelight creates a serene ambiance. kuroo’s chest radiates his warmth as he runs reassuring circles on your shoulders.

"you've been so busy lately, hm?" kuroo starts.

you hum in agreement. "yeah, i guess."

he can feel the tension in your body, the weight of you carrying everything. his fingers trace your body: from your delicate shoulders down to your arms, in hopes of easing the heavy weights on your back.

"have you been picking extra shifts at your job?" he asks, face nuzzling into the crook of your neck.

"yeah," you reply, defeated. "my rent isn't gonna pay itself, y'know."

"i know, baby, i know." he gives a tender kiss on your shoulder blade. "i'm glad we could spend some time together today though. you really need a break."

"i'm okay," you say out loud.

are you trying to convince him that you're okay or yourself?

you turn your head to face him and his flushed cheeks are close to yours.

he's so handsome.

without thinking, your hand reaches out to his face, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. he smiles into the kiss, holding you close, refusing to let you go just yet. he lets you cling to him for the rest of the time in the tub as he washes the dirt and tension off your back.

later, as the both of you dry up, kuroo can't help but keep sneaking glances at you.

he knows you’re tired.

he could tell from the moment you were slumped against the front door. he sees it in the distant look in your eyes, the way your mind always seems to be elsewhere, even when you’re together

his whole world (you) was falling apart.

he knew that you were overworking yourself, pushing yourself beyond your limits, and he felt helpless watching it all unfold in front of him.

and to top it off, you’d been avoiding him, making excuses.

something is wrong.

after changing into one of your (his) oversized t-shirts and a pair of shorts, you crawl into bed, patting the space next to you. kuroo takes that as his cue and hops in, beginning to envelop you in his embrace.

your face is in his chest as he's wrapped his big arms around you. you mumble some incoherent words which has him releasing his grip on you.

"what'd you say?" he cocks an eyebrow.

you hesitate, feeling a bit embarrassed to repeat what you said only a few moments prior.

"do you even love me anymore?" you mumble, eyes looking away from him.

he sits up straight now, hands on your cheeks, forcing you to look him in the eye. "what are you even talking about dumbass?"

"i know i haven’t been spending enough time with you and i get if you’re feeling frustrated and annoyed with me…"

he looks at you with a straight face, making him difficult to read.

nonetheless, you continue to pour out your feelings.

"i know i'm a handful and i don't want you to be here because you feel obligated to. i'm sure there are other things that you'd rather be doing right now and i feel bad that you're here when you could be out with your friends doing fun stuff."

your words hang heavy in the air now.

the burden of the past weeks plus the internal guilt you’ve been feeling was finally spoken out into the universe.

it's dead silent and the guilt is suffocating you. you refuse to look up from your lap until he utters out, "so that's what this is about?"

your eyes lift from your fidgeting fingers, widening as you're met with kuroo's piercing, calculating gaze, accompanied by a smirk and a quick flick to your forehead

"ow!" you start rubbing the throbbing part of your head. "what the hell was that for?"

"that was for being a fucking dumbass."

"but i didn't even do anything!"

"you did when you started doubting yourself and letting your insecurities get to you," he says firmly, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

"i know you’ve been busy and preoccupied lately and that’s okay, yeah? don’t feel bad about being busy, yeah? that should be the least of your worries. i’m here to pick our relationship up when it gets too heavy for you."

guilt washes over you, mingling with the love you feel for him.

he’s so understanding, so patient... you don’t feel worthy of him.

and almost as if he could read your mind, he keeps going.

"i’ll say this as many times as you need me to: i’ve never felt 'obligated' to be with you or whatever that bullshit means. i’m here because i want to be, not because i have to. i love you, and i want to be here for you."

he looks down at you with your eyes looking up at him. his heart skips a beat at the sight. you look so adorable right now with your a slight pout enveloping your features. he can't help but let a smile escape his lips.

"i’m here because i love you,” he repeats, his voice steady and sincere. “have i not told you how much you mean to me enough?"

you shake your head, immediately. "n-no! you always tell me!"

"i just have been really been in my feelings lately and i've been just trying to keep myself occupied so i don't start spiraling," you look away from kuroo.

"and that's okay, yeah?" he strokes your hair. "no matter what, i promise i’ll try my best to be there for you. i want to be here for you."

he kisses the top of your head. "i love you, my pretty. don't you ever forget that."

you wrap your arms around his neck and start peppering his face with small kisses. before you know it, you're lying on top of him now and your faces are only mere centimeters apart from one another. you can feel his breath on your chin and the lingering scent of his cologne infiltrate your nostrils.

"i’m sorry i haven’t been around you more," you whisper, guilt still gnawing at you.

"it's okay, my love. i promise," he reassures you once more. "i'm glad i could be here."

"i love you, stupid," you tell him, placing a quick kiss on your lips.

"i know," he laughs, pulling you back to his lips and letting you go for a quick second. "i love you too." and he continues to kiss you and hold you for the rest of the night until the sun rises.

© tetsumie 2024 all rights reserved

[randomfandomss]

oohhh okay then...alright

What a devastating yet perfect finale. I, of course, anticipated that after Season 1 Aziraphale would have a lot of growing to do for his and Crowley’s relationship to ever work, and guessed that would be taken up this season in some capacity.

...and I am not sure what to say. He still has complete faith in heaven when time and again they have proved themselves to be utter pieces of shit. He believes in himself, that he can make a difference which, yes! He can...but I strongly believe that one has to have the guts see the reality and acknowledge it, with all its goodness and faults in order to be able to really make a difference. So far he has just refused to do so.

He said, “Nothing lasts forever”, yet he has always refrained from questioning the “ineffable plan”. Staying in the comfort of what has been defined as “goodness” by god, never questioning anything at all even though, it has been proved through whatever we see of their shared history that Aziraphale has always grown, learned something and generally become a better angel whenever things had been questioned and the right answers had been given.

He has to break out of this cycle and see things as they are, clearly. About heaven, about self imposed restrictions, norms defined by people who only care about power and don’t give a fuck. He as learned how to live on earth but has he been truly been awake all this time? He needs to start seeing things in full color, that have so far been distorted by his black and white perception for the world. He believes and hopes but the thing he is placing belief in is fundamentally broken.

On the other hand Crowley, to say I've been heartbroken over what happened to him would truly be an understatement and I'm not sure what else to say...So I will leave it at that. The way he found a companion in Aziraphale, someone who accepted him for all he was and tursted him. Someone who SAW him, because I think thats what he would've always wanted. To be understood, when no one, neither Heaven nor Hell ever did. To have this dream shattered into a million pieces once again. When he had finally made peace with his existence, with who he was, all the good and the bad bits, and found some rest from the incessant questioning. When he was ready to just...be, Aziraphale asked him to go back to the place that had hurt him profoundly, SO MUCH. Aziraphale asked Crowley to be restored into what his idea of what good and right is, the ideal existence for him. Crowley has never been an angel nor a demon and Aziraphale knew him since the beginning...how could he not see that?!?! He was the ONLY one who SAW it.

Is he trying to fool himself or Crowley? Aziraphales ideal existence is where something never goes bad or is never wrong, that, in itself is toxic and I believe the next season will obviously focus on that.

I know he desperately wanted to be with Crowley for eternity and live the “ideal” life with him but his definition of ideal itself is wrong. He needs to challenge his beliefs and inspire others to do so as well if he wants to really LIVE and not just exist.

Anywho that is Neil Gaiman’s department, SO!!

SO, I will WAIT to SEE where they go next and I will looking out for that SUPER MEGA APOLOGY DANCE from Aziraphale :D

[a-student-out-of-time]

Vauge Tally5 Spoilers!!!

What's your interpretation of the text in the Tally5 image?. And the Tally5 image itself, but I'm more interested what you think the text means.

//Ah, Tally5. What an interesting thing to contemplate, so let's go through these one by one. I will also try my hardest to be fair in regard to how David is meant to be portrayed and interpreted:

I became a villain in pursuit of your dream.

Interesting way to open up, but what's this in reference to? Well, if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say this is possibly referring to why David became an inspirational speaker in the first place. I don't think it's a stretch to say that he hates his career, and this quote may mean he was pursuing it for someone else. Maybe a family member or someone else he aspired to be like?

Regardless of who, it's clear that he does see himself as a villain, which he is, as he's used his position to manipulate and hurt people. As I've said time and again, if rumors exist that he's fake, that means that someone found out and let others know. Once it starts, it'll never go away, and he knows it.

2. I threw away my humanity for an ideal I couldn't understand

So, in a sense, David has rejected his humanity in the pursuit of some grand ideal. Once again, that's a pretty familiar villain origin story, where someone tries to pursue a cause, making sacrifice after sacrifice, losing more of themselves until they become the very thing they hated.

How does this relate to David? Honestly, I think it fits well with this misanthropy. It's obvious that David despises other people, yet in his position as an inspirational speaker, he has to talk with them and try to inspire them to pursue greatness. For someone as cynical and depressed as him, I can see why he wouldn't understand that sort of ideal.

When you don't believe change is possible, you can fall into this trap of assuming that neither you nor anyone else can aspire to it. Yet that's exactly what he has to tell people, day in and day out.

3. But I don't regret it. To 'regret' implies I could've done anything else

A very fatalistic thing to say, again hinting that David becoming an Inspirational Speaker wasn't something he chose to do. Yet at the same time, it's not something he regrets doing for one reason or another. Is it because he was happy that he could get other people to be better even if he didn't think they ever would, or is it because he's accepted that he himself could never be a good person?

4. I never told you, but the truth is, I was never capable of ever becoming human in the first place

5. So in the end, you are always-

Who's he talking to in these ones? Well, given the image of tally5, the obvious answer here is Xander. It's clear that David, while he's a manipulator and villain, also sees himself as not just a villain, but not even human. He thinks very poorly of himself and others, and used his position to cause real and serious harm.

Yet at the same time, David, on some level, seems like he really respected Xander for who he was. I've been quick to dismiss his attitude toward Xander as love-bombing, a common manipulation tactic, but it doesn't completely discount the idea that he did care about him on some level and maybe aspired to be like him. It doesn't make any of what he's said or done okay, but I don't think he disagrees. After all, it seems like he's accepted the idea that he could never grow as a person.

While I'm not the biggest David fan out there, I will admit it's a very interesting and deep look into his character, especially compared to how much work he was putting in to try and prevent his secrets from being revealed and how quickly he fell into this grandiose villainous asshole attitude.

He's the kind of person who's accepted that it's all he could ever be, thus he can't aspire to be anything greater and so doesn't even try. Xander, by contrast, might represent what he wishes he could've been but never had the opportunity to due to forces outside his control.

That's my take on all this, anyway. Hope you found that interesting ^^

[theresawritesstuff]

Ms. Holloway at the Gaslight

Part 1

"So what was so important that you needed me to sneak you in here in the middle of the afternoon?"

Susie eyed her cautiously as she unlocked the door to the Gaslight.

Midge fidgeted with her gloves as she brushed her way inside their old haunt, looking around the place through a whole new lense.

"I saw my aunt today," she admitted quietly.

"Which side of the family are we talking?" her manager wondered.

Midge smiled absently at Susie's wary tone.

"Papa's. She's Papa's sister."

"Okay… So why the sudden need to come here?"

Midge considered her answer as she made her way towards the back.

"Have you ever heard of Bertie Holloway? She sang here back in the twenties?"

"Of course I've heard of Bertie Holloway," Susie scoffed before catching her meaning. "Wait, are you saying your aunt is Bertie Holloway? The Bertie Holloway?"

"She is," Midge nodded. "...And I didn't know. I mean, I knew that was her name I just didn't realize that…"

She found herself sitting down on the edge of the stage, trying to gather what it was she was feeling into something coherent.

Susie stepped over, sitting beside her as she quietly put a hand on her arm. 

"Hey… you okay? Did something happen with her today?"

"No," Midge laughed, sniffling. "No she's– she was great. We talked a little bit during Boise's interview. She was really great."

She took a shaky breath, closing her eyes as she let it sink in. "Susie, she's like me."

Their talk at the theater had been so refreshing. And yet there was a part of her that couldn't help but feel a little devastated.

To hear her aunt making jokes about her life and her family in a way that was both loving and a little irreverent. Much the same way she crafted her own sets.

The way her aunt laughed at herself for always running a little late or for not having any family photos in her purse but somehow still managing to find three different kinds of hard candy, a bottle opener, and a dog-eared book about songbirds rattling around.

Lester had a few pictures tucked in his wallet that she commandeered to properly brag about her grandchildren, joking that she secretly only carried a purse for the things he refused to keep in his own pockets.

She had a beautiful family. 

They'd built a beautiful life. Not one without its challenges. But beautiful nonetheless.

And Midge couldn't help but think it felt so much more honest and heartfelt than the life she'd been living up until she started doing stand up.

She let out a sigh, shaking her head. 

"All this time I've felt like my career was something completely foreign to my parents. That they just… I don't know. I guess I'd just come to accept that they'd never understand that part of me. That maybe no one in my family would," she explained. "But Aunt Bertha. Bertie…" 

It had mostly been Mama who called her Bertha, she realized.

"I remember her being this whirlwind of a person when I was a kid. She'd blow in from Canada and shake things up, turn our kitchen upside down making a huge dinner with my grandfather butting in every five minutes, singing and laughing and just encouraging me and my brother to be as loud as we wanted. She could never stay long but she always brought so much excitement with her. I'm realizing now that my mother must have hated it."

Susie nodded, smirking slightly in agreement. "Sounds like quite the broad."

"We didn't see her as much during the war. She'd write. Send us presents and cards periodically but…" Midge exhaled. "God I just… I wish I'd known more. I wish I'd known her! Really known her growing up. I wish I'd realized I wasn't alone. That I could have had someone in my family who I could talk to about all this when I was starting out."

She held out a hand adding quickly, "I know I've had you and you've been wonderful. But…"

"I get it," Susie assured her. "So you wanted to see where your family history repeated itself? Find some answers."

Midge nodded. "Kinda."

"Yeah okay." The older woman got to her feet, motioning for her to follow. "Basement's this way."

She got up, following Susie past the bar, into the storage room and to a second door.

Susie paused, her hand on the handle.

"This might not be pretty. I don't know if Jackie ever cleaned down here," she warned.

Midge smirked. "I'll keep my dry cleaner on standby."

Susie gave her a nod, grabbing a flashlight from a shelf as they swung the old wood door open.

There was a light switch at the bottom of the stairs, which to both their surprise still worked.

"Wow…" Midge breathed, taking in the poster plastered walls and dusty assortment of old bar furniture.

Susie stared at the space that had lived just under her feet all those years working here. "Jesus Christ. How is this both filthy and somehow more sanitary than the bathrooms in this joint?"

Midge cracked a genuine smile as she ventured in further.

She let her hand trace along the faded show bills and snapshots of an era gone by.

"Look at these pictures."

"Look at this hooch!" Susie held up a bottle of moonshine from under the makeshift bar excitedly.

Midge paused at the little upright piano tucked along the wall near the makeshift stage, her fingertips finding their way to the keys as she plunked out a clumsy minimalist rendition of The Entertainer.

A little out of tune but not terrible, all things considered.

"You play?" Susie wondered, stunned.

Midge shook her head, remembering herself. "No, not really. Certainly not enough for Papa's standards to qualify. I remember middle c. That's about it."

She blinked at the instrument, realizing her father had likely played it when he was about her age.

Midge tucked her hands around herself, stepping back to look at the old photographs.

She smiled as she found one of Aunt Bertie looking playfully flippant.

"You know Aunt Bertie told me she brought me here once as a kid," she said. "I don't really remember it. I was probably Esther's age at the time. My parents had some sort of school event for Noah and she was in town so she offered to watch me. Anyway, I guess a friend called last minute and asked if she could meet up for a quick coffee. Apparently in the two seconds she turned her back to order me a hot chocolate I'd wandered up and butt in on the poet's stage time to do a rough set on the itsy bitsy spider and little miss muffet."

Susie snorted a laugh. "How'd that go over?"

"Please, I was adorable. She said I brought the house down," Midge retorted.

The older woman looked at her skeptically.

"Okay they probably humored me is more likely the case but she did say they thought I was cute. I'll take the win."

"Comforting to know at least you have always been like this," her manager snarked good-naturedly.

Midge's smile turned thoughtful as she sat on the piano bench. "I remember walking home with her. It must have been that day. She just looked at me like I could be something. Like she was proud of me…"

 Susie came to join her, handing her a second bottle of moonshine she'd found. "Here's to Bertie."

"And to whirlwind aunts everywhere," Midge agreed, clinking their dust covered bottles in toast. "You're not actually going to drink that are you?"

"Thinking about it."

[simonalkenmayer]

Excuse me, I don't mean to come off as rude when I say this:

Your existence is very interesting to me. I came upon your blog when I was experiencing extreme anxiety and needed something to distract myself.

And yet, at the same time, it's like my brain doesn't really... process this? Doesn't really register this all as reality, even though I believe you as a real entity. I've shown your blog to my close friends, both are people I know would take my ramblings seriously, and the most curious thing happened.

Then I found you and your blog. On the same day, I ended up purchasing your book. It amazes me a bit, how easily I accepted your existence. The way you spoke and answered and described things simply solidified your "realness" in my mind.

Mind that I sent them your blog all the while I was talking about the thing that was causing my anxiety.

They saw the posts, read what I said about you and your experiences. They saw the quotes from your books.

And I guess we're similar, because they didn't immediately dismiss you as fiction or called me silly for engaging in your content. But something even more interesting happened.

They unconsciously ignored the knowledge that you exist. They clearly didn't do it on purpose, but the moment there was another topic available they just... stopped thinking about you. Or maybe tried to. Maybe our brains really aren't sure how to process such a... radical change in perspective, specially since all we have as proof of your existence are your posts and books.

I just thought this was very interesting and decided to share this with you, as you might find this interesting too.

ps: Your book is very enjoyable, as are your posts. You have a lovely way of describing events that makes me picture them very clearly, gruesome as they may be sometimes.

pps: when reading one of your recipes, one that used brains, in the book, i laughed when you wrote that we could use veal instead, but that you preferred "smart". Then I remembered that earlier on you said you rarely joked about these things and thought that. hm. Well, even though you probably didn't mean it as a joke, I still find it a bit funny.

sorry for rambling I'm still a bit anxious and tend to overexplain when I'm like this.

It is ticklish, determining if I am being literal or sardonic. Could be neither or a mix. Honestly who cares?

Your friends were humoring you out of friendship. They changed the topic because they don’t believe I’m real and wished to move on from what they took to be a strange interest of yours. It’s a perfectly reasonable reaction.

The truth is, you shouldn’t ever believe anything said on the internet until you can independently confirm it. Then again that’s true of every interaction, and yet for some reason the human brain actively attempts to dissuade itself from facts in preference to information supplied by others. No really. Humans don’t believe facts. They believe what comports with what they want. You don’t process data. You process associations. Your absorption of information is entirely dependent upon how well you like the source of it, and pardon me for saying…no one likes a people eater.

Seems obvious.

Anyway…

You shouldn’t put any stock in me. I’m utterly without merit as many have said. Thank you for purchasing the book. I’m happy you enjoy it. There may be something wrong with you.

Please be responsible with the recipes and substitute proteins. I shall not be accountable for any…unpleasantness that ensues if you don’t.

One comforting aspect to all life on this rock is the remarkable consistency with which everything is bullshit and nothing means anything.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: mentions/implied childhood abuse/trauma, but nothing in detail, medical abuse (im not 100% sure this is the correct term hhhh sorry), past suicidal thoughts (not current but incase just seeing the mention of it might be triggering for someone)

Just looking to vent abit, and maybe some reassurance I guess? Sorry in advance if this gets long, I tend to waffle when upset.

Recently got accepted for a new type of therapy with a new therapist (after continually being sent to therapists whom forced me into a type of therapy that did not help me much at all - if anything it made my mental health and the resulting suicidal tendencies at the time worse!) The therapy/new therapist itself isn't the bad part, in fact so far our first session went really well and she seems very nice and understanding/supportive so I feel positive about our future sessions and hopefully this therapy will give me some more tools to help myself get better. The session was also kinda hard because part of the type of therapy we're trying involved making a timeline of my life (including all the trauma stuff) so that we can isolate the worst areas and do target treatment on them. Ofc I understand why it was necessary to do for the future of "getting better" as a whole but I found it really hard? I've noticed since that session I'm crying a LOT more than I was prior to having the session and idk I just wanted to talk about it with....someone. (I can't talk to my parents, they're the source of the majority of said trauma but not all of it, and I feel like lately all I ever do with friends is vent and I don't want to burden them with this too, yk?)

The appointment lasted for an hour over video call which isn't really that long but it felt like going through everything took FOREVER and when I was done the therapist had to take a solid 20 seconds to almost like...buffer and process everything. When she did finally answer me, she sounded so heartbroken when she said "...sweetie do you have ANY positive memories about your childhood?" And I feel...some type of way (not really sure what to call it yet) about the fact that in the moment I really couldn't think of one, even though I at least had one loving grandparent and defo had positive memories in between the abuse from my parents. Is that...normal?

Ty for listening in advance & I hope anyone reading this is doing okay. Remember to drink water and whatnot 🫶

-🐊

Hi 🐊,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through.

Please know that it's common for survivors, especially survivors of child abuse, to have a hard time recalling positive childhood memories. For some survivors, these memories get overshadowed by trauma, and for others, they simply don't have positive memories. It's natural to feel a sense of grief over this, whichever way resonates with you.

I just want to say that if you feel that the pace of your therapy is going too fast or too deep, it's important to communicate this to your therapist so they can adjust their approach to something more comfortable for you. It's normal to have some heavy sessions, but if you find that it really weighs on you or disturbs you, consider letting your therapist know.

I hope that you can find peace and healing in your therapeutic relationship, and feel free to update us if you'd like. I hope I could help provide some clarity, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[isekyaaa]

Questions abt the last day of the event because I have no reading comprehension.

What is the "truth" Alhaitham is referring to here? Granted, he's quoting something, but I digress. The true defense against nihilism? Is little decisions being the defense against nihilism the "ignorance that blinds them?" Or is the ignorance the idea that the idealist can bring happiness to all?

I could probably find the answer to this question if I did a better analysis on Kaveh. Honestly I still don't understand his mentality. I don't really get how his idealism relates to his lack of self-worth. I don't get why his idealism is a defense against coming to terms with the truth. Actually, I'm not even really sure what his "truth" is and why he doesn't want to face it. I can come up with a one-size-fits-all answer, but nothing more personalized to Kaveh's situation.

Going off of what I've seen in real life, the ignorance that blinds empaths is the belief that they can make everyone happy. But why? Hmm... Is it perhaps that they believe making others happy will bring them happiness? And to admit this isn't the case means that they have to become selfish to pursue their happiness?

But if this is the case, how would it relate to the concept of nihilism in this event, i.e. that at humanity's core, it is darkness and will continue to perpetuate darkness into infinity? I'm guessing Sachin held onto his ideals that humanity at its core was good, but continuous observations and failed experiments proved him wrong. The truth to him was that humanity could not be saved nor save itself. But how is that supposed to relate to Kaveh?

Unless it's not supposed to relate to Kaveh? Sachin assumed they were similar, but Kaveh's idealism stems from a different place than Sachin's? Aka Sachin chose wrong? Speaking of which, I never really thought of Kaveh as an empath. Bc tbh through this whole event I suppose there was supposed to be a parallel between Sachin and Kaveh, but I didn't really see one and perhaps that was the point? They're both idealists yet still very different. Their cores are different. None of Kaveh's issues stem from empathy. They seem from guilt.

But that doesn't answer my original question. What does "truth" and "ignorance" refer to? Granted, they made it clear that there is no one truth in the event. People's truths can be different. So then what's the ignorance? This quote seems to be in support of Sachin than pointing out his flaw. He got rid of his ignorance which brought him to his version of the truth. So is this quote supposed to be an argument? A support? Or is it just... an observation? Probably the latter?

I think my issue with this whole thing is that I'm trying to understand this under the assumption that Kaveh parallels Sachin. Which... I really don't think he does in the slightest. And because of this, my base that I was trying to build my understanding upon was flawed from the very start.

Anyway

Are they actually disagreeing about anything here? I'm guessing Alhaitham is basically saying that history will repeat itself. But Kaveh doesn't necessarily say that it absolutely will not. Kaveh's responses contain no absolutes. And if Kaveh does admit it's a possibility by not using absolutes, why is he rejecting Alhaitham's viewpoint? I'm guessing this is just pitting Kaveh's idealism vs Alhaitham's realism? But what's so wrong about admitting that Alhaitham's right? What does this have to do with standing by his views?

And then it goes back to wiping away ignorance so one can face the truth. I don't get it. I don't get Kaveh. I get how guilt relates to him trying to help people and being unable to accept good will. But what does that have to do with ideals? Actually what even are his ideals exactly? Mentally I keep switching in "optimism" for "idealism" and maybe that's my fault?

Okay let's break it down then. We know from Alhaitham that Kaveh's idealism comes from his inescapable sense of guilt. Guilt over what? Guilt over (what he perceives to be) causing his father's death and ruining his mother's happiness. Because of this, he feels he deserves to be punished. Hmm.... So that means he subconsciously knows that his idealism is the source of his problems. But in admitting this, it would be admitting that he's purposefully idealistic to punish himself. And he doesn't want to admit it because this pain is comforting and numbs his sense of guilt. To admit his idealism is a problem would be the same as yanking his security blanket from his hands and throwing it into a fire.

....

Tbh I think I already knew all of this, even explained it to someone once, but the difference between then and now is that now I can see everything concretely instead of just going off of intuition haha.

[l0vem41l]

songs and other drabbles...

part two: kyle "gaz" garrick

「 tws + notes: no tws, unedited, very possibly ooc (my first time writing for cod), civilian reader, pet name (baby) used like... once?? gaz the typa guy to use "babe" and "baby" i dont make the rules. dk whether this is fluff or angst but oh boy is it sumn!!!! 」

「 gn!reader, can be platonic or romantic <3 」

↳ ft. kyle "gaz" garrick

author's note: the entire first draft deleted itself and i nearly chose to do the same. SLASH JAY!!!! errmmmm (*´ｰ｀)ゞ anyways!!!! i love gaz so so much. this Specific lyric bro. itz so him. i've had this in my brain for too long. I STG I WAS COOKING W/ THE OG ONE BUT I DELETD THAT DRAFT AND NOW IT'S MID o(≧口≦)o !!!!! apologies. many. trust i'll come up w/ sumn better when i am not succumbing to whatever ailment has me rn,,,, <//3 im sick

[ simulation swarm - big thief ]

"i wanna drop my arms and take your arms / and walk you to the shore"

↳ gaz had woken up about half an hour ago. unlike usual, however, he was making absolutely no effort to get up from the bed and start the day early.

"just a few minutes” is what you claimed it would be when you asked him to stay in bed a for a while. it was also completely bullshit. you both knew that much. it had been much longer than “just a few minutes” since then– yet, there were no protests from him, holding you tight as if he never intended on letting go.

even if kyle had wanted to get up (and like hell he would), he figured it was almost impossible to say no to you. after coming back from a particularly long deployment which had left you with minimal contact to him, he figured the least he could do was indulge you in your simple requests now that he was back. staying in bed where it was warm and comfortable was easy enough anyways.

you were practically laying on top of him, your head tucked into the crook of his neck, one of his arms around your waist, holding you close against him. his free hand had found its way to the small of your back, as he idly traced shapes against the fabric of your shirt–

his shirt, actually. you had taken a liking to stealing his clothing and kyle's closet began slowly merging with your own ever since. at this point, it was hard to tell who’s clothes were who’s. not like he minded.

"kyle?” you mumbled sleepily, lips moving against his skin as you speak. his heart fluttered at your voice.

“yes?”

a beat of silence.

“nothing.” you shifted your position, moving to rest your head against his shoulder, cheek pressed against it as you look up at him. “it’s stupid, really but– i missed you more than i thought i would... guess i was worried about you."

his eyes met yours, gazing down at you sweetly. he paused to think for a moment, giving you a wistful smile before pressing a little kiss to your forehead. he thinks a moment before replying.

"i missed you too, baby. so much." though his voice is adoring and gentle as ever, a soft sorrow which your tired mind can't quite discern resided in the words.

kyle had always accepted danger which his job entailed, even used to the physically and mentally demanding aspects. but ever since you arrived his life, he found himself absolutely despising the anxiety that his job caused you when he was away. you both had to come to terms with the fact that this was just the way things would be for the both of you. he hated that. he hated knowing you would be forced to reconcile with the fact there might be a day where he doesn't come back to you.

deep in his heart, he knew that if you were more selfish– if you would just ask him to quit his job to live a quiet life with you– his answer wouldn't be no.

he'd never verbalize it, but he was almost certain he'd drop it all if you asked him to. sometimes he secretly wished that you would. but you never did. you remained understanding, taking all the anxiety you felt when he was away if it meant that you could still be with him. how could he ever repay something like that?

this was the ache and blessing which he carried the minute you insisted on loving him.

he didn't dare tell you this now. the moment would've certainly be ruined if he had. besides, he figured you had been laden with enough– and he didn't want to spoil this perfect morning. instead, he took the opportunity to pepper as many kisses on your face he can before you eventually laugh and gently push him away.

and that smile of yours, brighter than the morning sun– it just reminded him that he really would do anything for you.

▸ KYLE "GAZ" GARRICK

– reblogs always appreciated!

[glazelilyy]

Luce it is!!! Random brainrot time!!

You know the hanahaki disease and how it kills those with unrequited love? Well, I've always thought it strange how there's no cure to such a disease (or at least some attempt to cure it), but what if there was a potion to combat that? One which removes the plants inside of your body and cures you of the disease?

Here's the kicker though: the potion works by slowly making you fall out of love with someone. How that works (and how effective it is) is up to anyone's guess. Is it by losing memories of your crush? Through pointing out the more negative traits in someone? Or how about by making you fall in love with yourself instead? Who knows! Either way, the thought won't leave me alone and I cannot, for the life of me, sleep because of it aDJDBDJSB

-🌻

i once again have: no self restraint! so i present to you: me crying while writing this :'D i decided to use scara since we're all already sorta simping over him so why not :P dedicating this one to you 🌻 nonnie! :)

lament of a purple rose

pairing - scaramouche x gender neutral reader (hanahaki au with a twist)

word count - 1225

genre - angst

format - drabble

warnings - slight gore, MCD, this is not proofread lmao

content under the cut!

hate was a vile word and scaramouche wielded it much like the weapon that it truly was. like an extension of his arm, his hate manifested itself either in the blood of others that stained his hands long after he’d washed them, or in the words he spewed that dripped with contempt and impatience.

yes, hate was comfortable, hate was safe. and gods did he hate you especially. your damn bright eyes and annoying smile that he could never seem to wipe off of your face no matter what insults he threw your way. your upbeat attitude and caring nature persisted despite his lack of reciprocation. he hated it, he hated how much you cared about him. all your stupid letters addressed to him that asked the same question, “how was your day?” were tossed in a pile, opened but not cared for.

and yet unaware to many, there existed a gentle part of him that wrapped itself under the guise of fierce storms and harrowing hurricanes that contained the most vivid of violet lightning. the eye of his storm was summed up in a single invitation of yours: an invitation to be friends. it was an invitation he never verbally, or non verbally accepted, yet you seemed to know when he gave more than just one word responses to your polite questions, or assisted you in your endeavors even while voicing his complaints with that iron tongue of his.

your letters were hand delivered by yourself with an eager smile and bright eyes, and the hate that usually coursed through his veins had begun to still with every letter you placed on his lacquered desk, a different flower every day in accompaniment of his enveloped letters.

“what’s with the flowers?” he lazily held up the pink tulip you’d put on his desk.

“they just look nice, i thought you’d enjoy them.”

such an answer had always baffled him, flowers he thought were stupid, frittering pieces of insignificance that would eventually wither away. he had voiced these thoughts plenty of times with a sneer, but you would simply laugh it off and continue to place a single stem of a flower beside his letters.

but the letter that you usually handed to him yourself with prideful hands was not delivered by you.

instead, he returned to his office late at night to find a letter littered with bloody fingerprints, and a single, purple rose doused with drops of blood placed neatly on his desk.

scaramouche felt his blood run cold and a sour, bile-like taste settled on his tongue. his name had been scrawled messily onto the cream colored envelope. your usually elegant writing now looked distorted and haggard, like you’d been struggling to hold the pen in its entirety.

all alone, scaramouche ripped open the top of the bloodied envelope and pulled out a piece of paper. the top read, “to scaramouche,” instead of the usual, “good day, scaramouche!”. it unnerved him, part of his mind screamed to stop reading there and yet curiosity gnawed away at him and slithered up his spine into his brain. his fingers traced the splotches of blood that smeared some of the pages, the own blood in his veins boiling to raging temperatures. whoever had dared hurt you would pay the price, his fatui agents would hunt down the sender of this letter because you were in danger, right? that’s why this letter looks so grim, and that’s why it was littered with bloodied prints.

scaramouche was not a nervous man, but his palms began to sweat and a lump formed in his throat as he began to read the first few words.

to scaramouche,

good day! i apologize for the state of the letter, it’s quite messy and i’m aware you’re not one for messes but i’m afraid i’m in a bit of a rush. this letter won’t be long but i want to ask how you are like i normally do. perhaps if i try to retain some sort of normality, this will be less difficult for me.

i don’t believe i’ll be able to complete those assignments you’ve tasked me with, i’ve done as much as i could but i’ve made sure ekaterina will take care of the rest for me. i hope you’re not upset.

they say i’m dying—the doctors i mean. hanahaki disease, they call it. flowers have begun to bloom in my throat. it’s quite funny, how such beautiful flowers could be the very thing that threatens to end my life. i’m not sure how much longer i have.

i’ve been informed of a cure: one that could save my life. i’ve seen the small vial, it’s quite lovely for an antidote, but i hope that you may never find yourself staring down the bottom of this vial.

i must let you know however, i can’t take the potion.

in exchange for my life, i’ll lose all of my memories of you. the mere thought pains me to no end, just thinking about it makes my stomach churn and my heart clench.

and if the price i must pay for love is with my life, i’ll gladly do so. i would rather die with these feelings than continue to live never having remembered you.

by the time you receive this letter, i will be gone from this world. it’s taking all of my strength to write this last letter to you. i want to say thank you, for letting me love you from afar, and allowing me into your life.

thank you, for everything, scaramouche. you will forever be in my heart.

the heart claimed to never beat, never throb for anything other than the misery of others, pounded painfully against his chest. his fingers weren’t sure whether to desperately clutch onto the parchment or go slack with shock? fear? anger even? he wasn’t sure anymore.

hanahaki disease, he’s heard dottore talk about it far too many times. an unrequited lover cursed with the destiny to choke on flowers that bloomed within them. he hadn’t cared to hear dottore explain it before, but now his words were ironed into his memory and branded upon his brain.

scaramouche tolerated you, he acknowledged your existence and that was good enough for you, good enough for him. but how wrong he was. his violet irises have remained dry for years, so why was it now that he felt the prickle of salty tears bore away at his eyes? why had you loved a monster like him who had snuffed out the lives of so many while your hands held the power to give life and meaning to others? those selfish selfish feelings of love had taken you far, far away and now there was nothing he could do.

the thorns of the purple rose in his fist sunk their talons into his calloused flesh and penetrated themselves past his skin to bring forth drops of crimson blood that streaked down his hands.

he only requested one thing of the tsaritsa every month for his budget from then on: a bouquet of purple roses to be placed in his office. the florist had told him the third time he went to pick up his bouquet that purple roses were a symbol of love at first sight.

the mere thought alone made his calloused heart clench.

date published: july 24th, 2021

[bobbimorses]

what’s your opinion on the impact fraction’s hawkeye run appears to have had on the more recent perception & characterization of clint? based off of the older comics i’ve read featuring clint, i sort of get the impression that part of the reason fraction’s run is so phenomenal is that his more depressed & defeated version of clint is so radically different from how clint has been portrayed in the past, yet given all that’s happened to him it’s reasonable of him to have reacted in this way. and since writers & readers are using fraction’s run as a kind of starting point for the character, then they miss how it was a progression and how his personality was very different in the past. but that’s just the impression i get. i would be very interested in hearing your thoughts!

i think i've given long rambling answers to the tune of this question before, but basically my thoughts align--when other writers/readers use it as a starting point, it ends up devoid of the context that made it so impactful as a story, and draws away from the fact that it's really a story of clint's depression.

a lot of the events and storylines experienced by clint one after the other for 8 years (which is like, just shy of 2 years comic time) were incredibly traumatizing. first, he dies in a ball of flames in disassembled, then he gets revived only to learn he's not the real deal and that his best friend killed him in house of m, gets killed again when he's taken apart piece by piece into nothingness, then he gets revived only to learn the avengers, his only family, are done for, then cap's killed, then he thinks bobbi's revived only to see her killed only for that to be a skrull--yeah. there was a lot going on. but the event directly before hawkeye v4, an issue of avx also written by fraction, has clint getting set on fire and burnt to nearly a crisp, with the avengers leaving him thinking he's dead.

so, like you said, given everything that happened, it's reasonable to see him finally reacting to all that mess, that trauma, by becoming depressed. but if someone's using that as their starting point, they might not really understand the depths of his depression if they don't know clint's usual behavior. he's snarky, overly confident even if still a bit insecure, was a self-assured team leader telling everybody to charge right through no matter what, he likes to joke and grill for his friends--

and what's happening in fraction's run? you see him snarking a little and concocting plans in the first issues, if a little muted, but he starts to feel completely unsure of himself, becomes more ambivalent on what to do, then apathetic about making any decisions, he attends rooftop grill sessions but isn't actively cooking and says he only really eats when others have set one up, and is pushing away his friends most of the time. eventually, he realizes he has to rally everyone together as a leader and ask for help from his friends.

but, again, when writers write him the same way as in fraction's run but devoid of context, they also remove the ramifications of the decisions and mistakes he made, whether or not he could help it, while depressed. indecisiveness and apathy lead to the problem getting worse, he gets hurt, people get hurt, he lashes out at his friends--there’s pain and heartbreak. if you remove that aspect but have clint acting the same way for a few pages in some other comic, he’s kind of just bumbling around, and if they just exaggerate the mess without the initial spill or subsequent slip, he just becomes a punchline.

also, this one probably speaks for itself, but fraction and aja’s run was very much a more grounded, street-level book. it’s a normal thing in comics where heroes are in their street-level solo fighting mobs and then they’re in a team book fighting gargantuan threats, and everyone accepts that, but for some reason (i guess since he’s a non-powered archer?) some people went a little too far in finding clint incapable of taking on big threats (despite his decades of avengers tenure). idk if it’s bc they only know him as taking on the tracksuits, or if that’s more of a fanon problem, or that’s just run-off from the memetic nature of people going “haha why’s there a bow & arrow guy in this movie.” like, the man is not incompetent and has taken on cosmic threats before. having recent storyline after storyline where clint has to justify his place in the avengers (a team he’s not even currently on right now! that’s how many times we’ve done this!) when he’s done so more times over than, frankly, a bunch of big names who are actually new additions compared to mr. recruit #2/member #7, is getting a tad old when it’s simultaneously having him question himself to an extensive degree. idk, it depends.

i really like how freefall reigned in clint dealing with even more subsequent traumatic events in a short time by having him utilize his high-level combat skills and planning capabilities to try to fight a problem dirty and alone. he’s back to his snarky self, which helps convince others none the wiser that nothing’s going on (ok they totally suspect there is but he secretly beat them up to go “no, really”), but there’s some dark grumblings. once again, he doesn’t seek help from his friends, but this time it’s because he’s convinced that he has to go around the system/social structure he and his friends have been operating in so he can effectively dismantle the hood’s operations and make changes etc. ...and he faces the consequences.

ah shit i rambled again.

[slavicafire]

hello! with pride having begun, i thought it be a good time to ask something that could be relating it and a specific type of jewelry. i inherited an heirloom of a lunula/lunista from my great great grandparents, and wish to wear it at some point but know the symbolism is typically associated with femininity. seeing as i am ftm, the topic such as that is difficult for me. do you know if there was any chance of this symbol being gender-neutral in slavic countries? the roman variant has a male version but there's no such evidence i've found on behalf of slavic culture. thank you and have a lovely day 💕

I haven't heard of lunula being gender-neutral in slavic countries - admittedly, it is rare for old customs to treat many things as gender-neutral to begin with - but one, I'm not an expert on how other parts of slavic lands treat every symbol, and two, the meanings can change over time (especially with intent) and the association of lunula with women only is oftentimes based on archeological finds which aren't the absolute and only acceptable truth. a lot that we accept now as a rule, especially in reconstructionist faiths, actually stems from an educated guess or probable association, and ethnographic research which is very clear about not being the only possible answer.

so, first, I think it would be good for you to keep looking - keep reading up and asking and checking sources, because perhaps there might be accounts of lunula not being just "typically feminine" which I'm simply not aware of, or some more recent research.

then, I think it might be useful to rethink your own idea of this symbol and your feelings about it, and see what conclusion you finally arrive at. meanings change over time and it is absolutely within your rights to change the meaning of this symbol as well.

for me, and many of the people close to me with whom I talked about this symbol, lunula has meanings transgressing just this association with femininity itself - the same way the moon itself does, which in many cultures is not a feminine symbol but a masculine one. after many years of insight and introspection about gender - in general, in culture, and my own - splitting things into "masculine" and "feminine" tends to start bordering on arbitrary at best - and absurd at worst - so do forgive if my rambling might seem... self-contradictory in some parts.

I see the lunula much more as a symbol of change, of cyclical death and rebirth and creation, of two sides and two natures intertwined. a cycle of bleeding falls under that, yes, but it is just a minuscule part - these are neverending cycles of our planet, day and night, the tides of oceans and seas. centuries of change - the cycle repeats but it brings rebirth every time, and we are all a part of something so intimate - yet so old and so universal, reaching back to our very first ancestors. I have friends who wear a lunula and they're not women - and I myself wear it without treating it as a feminine symbol.

perhaps it's worth to re-examine the way you see this symbol - but at the end of the day the above are ramblings of a cis woman and you yourself know best how you feel about it and how you view it, so please don't see it as me trying to change your mind to any extent.

good luck! I hope you find an answer to this that will feel right.

[daikonwatte]

//Spoiler warning: Toilet-bound hanako-kun chapter 82.//

Chapter 82.

Analysis / thoughts / small theories.

So we start with the chapter that provides more questions than answers.

Kou told little Tsukasa in the face that his sacrifice brought nothing. I think he just looks like he doesn't mind.

Nor the subject, that's not all that surprising. [I've heard from others that they even think it's suppressing joy]

[Because I would like to deal with Zeit Part in another post and I leave it out for the most part]

Kou explains that his brother doesn't hate him at all and that he would be happy if he came back. At first he doesn't look too enthusiastic about this thought but then agrees to come along and is pleased too.

Kou seems relieved but also pleased. While Nene is more surprised and less enthusiastic. [If someone has an idea why, he is welcome to share it]

Then the house starts to resist again as when Nene tried to bring Tsukasa out. Then a little escape begins, in which Kou Tsukasa wants to bring other thoughts to mind. He probably thinks Tsukasa is scared. I think because of the question "Are we going to die?" But he clearly doesn’t have that. It's his house, isn't it? ..

Tsukasa starts talking about the Star Festival. The first thing that occurs to Nene is meeting Amane back in the past. But she also thinks of Tsukasa how lonely it must be for him. He seemed very satisfied. One can hardly call this boy lonely.

When they reach saggasse, Nene pushes Kou and Tsukasa away. And I also think that this was very good. Tsukasa and Kou were hit harder than they were.

Nene was "only" injured in her leg and otherwise seems okay. But why her leg? I don't think AidaIro just decided that with no background. Maybe it becomes relevant as a problem later. That there will be an obstacle later. But maybe also to wash around Nene in the end and gain self-confidence.

Shortly afterwards, Tsukasa sets fire to. Because, as he later explained, he saw that this house avoided fire.

I think this is also a confirmation that this house does not belong to Tsukasa. Otherwise he would know what scares the house. I suspect this house has existed in both the past and the future. As a result, what knows, how Hanako's family died and maybe the house burned down at that time. What is likely to be afraid of fire.

However, this is a guess.

However, the house could also have been an illusion. And always have been burned. Even at the time when Nene and Kou discovered it. Or you fell victim to an illusion when you entered this property and thus entered the past.

The other people around her don't seem interested in the fact that this house burned down. As if it were normal. Perhaps the picture at Mitsuba was only placed as bait to keep a cycle. It had to happen.

Now to the interesting one in the chapter: Tsukasa his companion.

Maybe a curse, maybe the hole that manifested itself in him. The background to this hole is not yet fully known. But it is clearly a part of him and merged with him.

Perhaps that is also this hole, this spirit, which made it what it is today.

He says he won't hold it back anymore. I suspect he is referring to his thoughts or his desire not to do good things. But still it seems to boil down to his brother in the end. He seems very happy to have learned of his brother's death from Kou.

Tsukasa was a small child when he sacrificed himself. As much as he would have loved to have done, jealousy has probably built up in him too. Jealousy of his brother that he can do all of this now. But he seemed to accept but is no longer to be suppressed.

This spirit in him just seems to spur him on to do things that may reflect his interests somewhere. The boy who sacrificed himself for his brother is no longer the same as when he returned to his family.

Maybe he also has masichist characteristics. But that's another topic.

After everything that has happened in this chapter, the forgery theory is as good as refuted. Because Tsukasa came back. But not like before ..

Thanks for reading my mind! <3

[getitinbusan]

Strawberry Lemonade

EXPLICIT SMUT 18+

Even if you could decide, why would you want to? Both men were perfect in extremely different ways yet, your longing for both of them was beginning to feel greedy.

Pairing: Reader x Tae x Jungkook

Words: 3850

Warnings: 18+ threesome, MF vaginal sex, MF anal sex, MF oral sex, unprotected sex, swearing.

You weren't technically staff, it was a loophole that benefited everyone. While the crew stayed in coach, you were up front with Jungkook as he helped stash your camera equipment into the first class overhead. In 7 hours you'd be in Bali for a week in paradise.

"Y/N's sitting with me, she already promised." Taehyung pulled your hand towards the middle aisle.

Pouting, Jungkook popped his air pods in and took his seat.

It was a competition, pure and simple. Like a new shiny toy Jungkook and Taehyung both wanted you. Everyone knew and the game of one upmanship was getting a little out of control. But somehow, caught in the middle wasn't such a bad place to be.

Dim and quiet most of the plane was already asleep. Taehyung snored softly as you wiggled out from underneath his heavy grasp. You didn't want to disturb him but the days makeup needed to come off before you settled in for the night.

Taken by surprise, Jungkook stood with a smile waiting outside when you opened the bathroom door.

"I think we need to talk about something." He guided you back into the tiny room.

"What's that Kookie?"

His lips parted before he quickly pressed them onto yours. His hands were still holding your face as he broke away.

"I see the way you look at me and I think you want me just as much as I want you."

You loved being playful with Jungkook, teasing him was definitely a turn on.

"I'm keeping my options open." You wanted to sound taunting, but your hand slowly dragging down his chest let him know he was going to get whatever he was after.

His mouth moved over your neck as his fingers worked their way under your light t-shirt. His thumbs caressing the soft flesh just above the elastic of your waistband sent a gush of excitement to your panties.

"I want you so badly."

Pulling your pants to the floor he lifted you onto the small counter.

His finger slid into you easily.

"Does Taehyung get you this wet?"

"He's never tried. Should I let him?"

"I'm not afraid of a little competition Y/N."

His track pants came down with a quick tug and his hard cock sprang out. Stepping back towards you for a heated kiss his erection pressed against your sopping center. His length was more than you'd expected and you couldn't stand the anticipation any longer.

"Do you know how hard it's been to work with you for weeks and not get to touch you?"

Grasping his cock he held it straight to line himself up with your entrance.

"Uh huh," he nodded. "I've had to keep requesting baggy clothes to hide my chronic hard on."

He pushed himself into you letting out a long slow moan as his head fell back. Leaning into the mirror you pulled him in closer wrapping your legs around his hips.

Knees bent, he adjusted his height to pump himself into you. It wasn't sweet or slow, it was a mile high, hard quickie that had been a long time in the making.

Helping you down he wrapped you in his arms and kissed you while smiling. "I promise when we have more room i'm going to lay you out across a bed and make you cum so hard that mines the only name you're going to remember"

"That's pretty cocky considering you just spent the last 5 minutes only satisfying yourself." You straightened your clothes, "But I guess I could give you another shot."

You left him where he stood, red faced and pants down in the washroom.

Taehyung stirred as you layed out your blankets.

"Bedtime?"

"Yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

He hummed in pout, "Come back and cuddle with me."

He held up his blanket in invitation and you slid in beside him.

Settling in he was now wide awake and staring endearingly. "I really like you." He smiled brightly at his own admission.

You pushed his shaggy hair off his forehead. "I really like you too Tae."

Somewhere at 35,000 feet in dead of the night you found yourself tangled in lips and limbs with the soft boy.

Where Jungkook had left you wanting more Tae picked up the slack with long lingering kisses and slow moving hands.

His nimble fingers played at your entrance before he plunged one inside, "You're so wet"

Pulling it back out he raised it to his mouth and unknowingly sucked off the mixture of your excitement and Jungkook's cum.

"Taehyung, I want you."

"Yeah?" he ran his finger over your lip before he kissed you again, "flip over for me."

To anyone walking by it would look like you were spooning, slow movements and subdued noises would be the only tell. One hand expertly stroked your clit as the other held steady trapping the moans inside your mouth.

Jungkook sat the next row over listening intently to Taehyung's heavy breaths and the uncontainable whimpers of climax he'd drawn out of you. Mad at himself for his purely selfish attempt with you, he stuck his airpods in and drifted off.

With the group shots finished you'd called a break for everyone but Jungkook.

"You're up first for individuals handsome."

He smiled as the others turned to leave. "Where are we shooting?"

Slinging the camera bag over your shoulder you started to walk away. "Your room."

Once the door was pulled closed he swept you into his arms. "Is this my second chance?"

"We've got a job to do Jungkook, maybe if I get a good shot and we have some time I'll consider it."

He threw his hands up in defeat, "Let's get this picture out of the way then."

"Good, go get in your pool."

Taking your dress off you hoped the added incentive of your bikini would motivate him. Playful and sexy it was the quickest shoot you'd ever done.

"I think I got what I need." You pulled yourself out of the pool and set the camera on the concrete.

"I don't think you did. Not from me anyways."

Legs dangling in the water you kicked some towards him.

"Whose fault is that?"

He pulled his wet shirt over his head and tossed it on the deck.

"Mine, and I'm sorry. I just wanted you so badly."

His hands found their way to your hips and he tugged on your bottoms.

"A little help here?"

You couldn't help but laugh, wrapping your arms around his neck you lifted yourself up so he could slide them off you.

"Let me make it up to you?"

He kissed you, softer this time, more intently.

"How much time do I have?"

"About 20 minutes…"

He raised his brow accepting the challenge. "Then you should lay back."

Sinking to his shoulders in the water his face took residence between your thighs. "So beautiful," he said before sliding his tongue inside you.

It felt like heaven, you couldn't help but tug at his hair as his mouth strategically worked to get you off.

"Are you done yet?" The unfazed voice came from the doorway.

Jungkook's hands held your thighs firmly open when he felt you trying to instinctively clamp them shut.

His eyes flicked up at Taehyung.

"Almost, do you want to stick around and see what it looks like when she cums?"

What was even happening right now? reaching for your dress you wiggled from Jungkook's hands and covered yourself.

Jungkook's tongue now finding itself restless and aggravated poked angrily into his cheek.

He scoffed, "Thanks, I've already seen it. It doesn't look like you're going to get her there anyway."

Taehyung turned, ignoring him completely unfazed. "I wanted to see if I could take you to dinner after you're done working."

Jungkook was visibly angry, "Maybe you should stop monopolizing her and let her spend some time with me without interrupting"

"You two are acting like children, let me know when you're done." Getting up and grabbing your things you left.

Laying out in the sun as they swam nearby, they had unknowingly made a decision for you.

The waitress walked towards you with three frosty glasses on her tray. One was Red, one was Yellow and one was Pink.

“The gentlemen argued about which you’d like more, Strawberry or Lemonade.” She smiled, “they ended up compromising and ordering you a half and half.”

The condensation pooled onto the table as she set them down. Looking in their direction she raised her eyebrow at you knowingly, “Why choose one when you can have both, am I right?”

You'd always thought it had to be one or the other.

Taehyung was Strawberry 🍓

Classic, comforting, consistent. The sweetness of red stained lips and warm hugs that felt like home. Fresh air that made you sleepy while laundry hung on the line. Your Grandmother’s kitchen filled with memories and knowing you were safe.

Jungkook was Lemonade 🍋

Even if you knew what to expect, it always stunned you. A surprise tang that made everything feel like you were a kid on a summer day again. Bright yellow sunshine that permeated your eyelids making your body feel electric, alive and invincible.

But she was right why not have both?

The sunshine felt good on your skin. The decision had lightened your mind and as the waves broke on the shore you were lulled into an unguarded slumber.

If the whispers and stifled giggles hadn't given them away their shadows blocking out the sunshine through your eyelids would have.

"I don't know what you two think you're going to do, but you probably shouldn't."

Raising your hand to shield your face you carefully cracked your eyelids open.

Jungkook stood by your feet, water droplets glistening over his body.

"We wanted to apologise for yesterday." Placing his hand on the back of his neck his usual confidence wavered.

Taehyung laid down and pulled you into a wet bear hug. "We've decided to be mature about this, whoever you decide to pick we'll have no hard feelings."

"What if I don't want to pick, what if I want both of you?"

By the looks on their faces they clearly weren't expecting that as your answer.

"I don't need you to make a decision right away. I'm going to my room so you two can think about it."

Grabbing your drink you smiled and walked away.

Leaving the door unlocked you knew it wouldn't take long for their erections to override their brains. There was a light rapping on the door before the handle turned.

"We came to an agreement and we think that we would probably be okay sharing you."

Taehyung spoke while Jungkook stood blushing.

"But we want to know, how will it work?"

Jungkook cut in, "I think we need rules so we both get equal attention."

Walking closer to Jungkook you knew he'd been feeling neglected.

"Listen, sometimes one of us will need something and sometimes ALL of us will need something…"

You kissed his lips. "Right now I need something from both of you."

You pulled Tae in closer.

"You interrupted the other day and Jungkook never got me off. So the ground rules will come after I do."

Both their jaws were slack and they stood staring not knowing where to even begin.

"Are we good with this arrangement?" To help seal the deal you had a hand on each of them rubbing their growing bulges as they nodded.

"Can I make you cum first? I feel so bad about the other day."

Taehyung snickered.

"I don't know why that's so funny Tae, it's your fault for interrupting. It certainly wasn't from his lack of skill."

You moved your hand away from him and lifted Jungkook's shirt off.

"So, since I didn't get to cum because of you, you don't get to cum until Jungkook has taken care of me."

Used to be in charge, he didn't know what to do or where to be.

"Take your clothes off and sit in that chair, you're going to have to watch."

Jungkook undid the top of your bikini while you let the bottoms fall to your feet. Pulling down his shorts you walked him to the bed. "I need you to finish what you started."

Once again he spread your legs, however, this time it was a performance with an audience and he had a point to prove.

Making sure his Hyung could see everything he began to lay big soft tongue kisses over your excited entrance.

"Fuck Jungkook, I haven't been able to stop thinking about your mouth."

He was skilled. Between his tongue, his lips and his fingers your thighs shook uncontrollably. You looked towards Taehyung, he was watching intently with dark hungry eyes while stroking himself. His lips were parted and heavy breaths escaped everytime his hand moved over his tip.

"I think Taehyung wants a turn Kookie."

Jungkook didn't miss a beat. "He can lick my cum out of you when I'm finished."

"Jungkook, if you can't share you're going to have to leave."

He huffed, so used to getting his way. "You've only got one cunt."

"I do, and if you both want to stay you're both going to lick it."

Jungkook pulled away and flopped on the bed. "Fine, let me know when it's my turn again."

Dipping your finger inside yourself then running it around your lips you teased him, "Tae, do you want some?"

Taehyung grinned, his huge cock stood stiff and straight as he walked over to lay between your legs.

Dragging his finger through your wetness he slowly sank it inside you. Like he was starved he attached his mouth to you, his tongue dancing over your clit, slowly, softly, deliberately. Taehyung did nothing without purpose and his purpose was very clear.

"Holy shit."

Your hands reached to grip the sheets but Jungkook's thigh was closer.

He was staring, watching your face wrecked with pleasure.

"Please Kookie, I want you both so badly."

Shifting down the bed he filled the remaining space between your legs.

Taehyung coaxed him, "Not everything has to be a competition between us."

His fingers delicately opened you wide, "think of it more like choreo, working together."

Wrapping his lips around your aroused bud he sucked softly.

"Let's make this about her."

Their tongues worked in tandem just adjacent to your pleasure point. Their timidness could easily be mistaken for teasing if you didn't know how nervous they both were to be together in such intamacy.

"Please I need this," you couldn't help but beg desperately. 

Without looking at each other their tongues explored further meeting tentatively in the middle to combine their efforts. Inhibitions forgotten, the grander pursuit of ecstasy took over reason and apprehension. 

Their mixed saliva dripped down to where Taehyung's finger was circling around you seeking permission to enter. 

"Your ass is so tight, I'm calling dibs."

Sliding back up beside you he looked like a man possessed. Dark eyes stared into your soul as his fingertips rolled your nipples. 

He ran his nose up your neck and practically hissed, "Can I fuck it?" 

"uh huh." was all you could muster. 

Standing up he grabbed something from his shorts on the floor and moved back towards the chair. "Why don't you come sit on my lap?" 

You tugged Jungkook's hair trying to get his attention, "Change in position baby." 

He sloppily kissed up your stomach, over your breasts and his lips lingered along your jawline. His hard cock was pressed against your leg as he wiggled his hips in search of relief. 

His warm breath tickled your neck as he sighed, "I'm not going to stop until I make up for the quickie." 

His fingers slid inside you while his mouth latched onto your peaked nipple. Suckling as he pumped between your legs he whispered. "I'm want to make you cum so hard." 

The lurid sound of your wetness filled the air as your body squirmed in stimulation. "I'm gonna cum, don't stop, please …" 

His hand moved faster, your orgasm exploding, breaching its bodily confines as you cried out his name in satisfaction. 

Taking a minute to let you come down he got up, pulling you with him. 

Taehyung sat waiting with a smile, condom already stretched over his impressive cock. About to straddle him Jungkook turned you around. 

"You're gonna face me okay." 

"Okay"

He steadied you as you backed toward Tae. Placing your feet to squat on either side of his hips you lowered yourself towards his waiting shaft. 

"Have you done this before?" Taehyung's honey voice dripped into your ear. 

You nodded blushing.

"Of course you have my dirty girl." 

He pushed up and you pushed down, his tip sliding through the tight ring.

Your mouth open, and head back it was a painful adjustment. Jungkook stood staring at your breasts, your arched back making them sit pert on your chest. 

Walking closer, his cock stood pink, weepy and desperate for release while he stroked it. 

Adjusting your grip on the arm rest Taehyung began thrusting into the new more relaxed angel, deep moans rolling out of him like thunder. 

"Now you Jungkook." You pleaded, "I want you both at the same time." 

Jungkook's face was flush, overwhelmed with the scenario unfolding before him. 

"Just focus on me Jungkook, on how much my pussy is aching for you to fill it." 

His breath shook as he balanced his knees on the small remaining chair space. His tip, lingering at your entrance teased the wet folds driving your anticipation crazy. 

Waiting for his turn to jump in, he was trying to match Taehyung's rhythm like a sordid game of double dutch. 

In and out and in and out and oh god when he was finally in. 

Their dropped inhibitions along with the feeling of them thrusting into you in unison was almost too much to bear. Rubbing against your thin wall that lay between them, they must be able to feel it? Head to head their cocks pressing together in your sexual vice. 

The thought of their intimacy combined with their collective moans under you and over you made your skin shiver in ecstasy. 

 "Is this what you wanted? Both of us stuffed inside you?" 

Taehyung was eager with his words. Expletives and praise fell off his tongue in equal measure. 

"Once Jungkook makes that pretty pussy cum again I want you to finish both of us in your mouth." 

Jungkook was biting his lip, still fucking you with a determined concentration. As sweat built over his warm skin Taehyung lay back and wrapped his arms around your thighs. Pulling your knees back he spread you wider for his friend. 

"Lean in and fuck her deeper."

Ever the Maknae, Jungkook listened to his Hyung and ground himself into you slowly until he bottomed out inside your wet wonderland.  Your body shook with pleasure as your cunt pulsated, your second orgasam so close. 

Letting go of your leg Taehyung put his thumb to Jungkook's mouth. 

"Open," he commanded. 

Jungkook licked and sucked the digit until it was pulled hastily from his greedy mouth. Letting his hand wander to the space between you Taehyung rubbed the wet appendage roughly over your clit. 

It only took seconds, the sound of your own pleasured cries ringing through your head as the white lightning orgasm tore through and took over your body. 

Both men lay still enveloping you, Jungkook's face scrunching in concentration as he tried to discourage his own imminent release. 

Tae's soft smiling lips kissed the back of your glistening neck as Jungkook carded his hand gently through your hair brushing it back off your face. Hovering over your mouth his lips skimmed over yours, "Do you think you can finish us baby?"

You didn't have much energy but you nodded knowing that whatever was left you'd use it all to please them however they wanted. 

Jungkook stood and taking your hand helped lift you to the floor. Quickly throwing his condom aside Taehyung joined, wrapping his arms around you. Both men were attentive and grateful yet still acutely unsatisfied. Their lips and hands travelled over you appreciatively while their cocks stood begging for attention. 

Sinking to your knees their half moans half exhales spurred your enthusiasm to please them. 

Taking Jungkook in your mouth you could taste yourself all over him. Your sticky excitement was built up around his balls and you licked it off as he watched intently. 

Your hand slid up and down Tae's shaft easily with the lube left behind from the condom. They were equally thick and perfect, you couldn't help but smile up at them pleased with your choice to take them both.

"Fuck you're beautiful with a cock in your mouth." Tae purred while pumping himself into your grip. 

"Want to see what yours looks like?" 

He didn't have to answer, you gripped onto Jungkook and let your mouth take Tae. 

Alternating between them, rubbing and sucking back and forth they took turns having their way with your face. The breathing got heavier and they were getting greedy with your mouth. Gripping them both, your hands grasped tightly and pumped them until they were whining. 

"Where do you want it?" Jungkook asked urgently. Wrapping his own hand around his length he spurt his hot load into your open waiting mouth and proceeded to stand looking dazed as you turned towards Taehyung. 

"Are you gonna swallow that?"

You looked up with big eyes, mouth open and shook your head no while holding Jungkook's load on your tongue. 

A Few furious strokes later Taehyung came undone, filling the rest of your mouth with his salty excitement. 

Gripping your chin, his thumb caressed your jaw. "What are you waiting for?" 

Getting off your knees you stood to meet their gaze, swallowed and smiled. "Sometimes things taste better combined." 

The last day was quiet, you'd not spoken to either man since yesterday's trist. Bags were packed, passports were lost and located and staff scurried around making sure everything was in order. Your mind was left to wander. You'd hoped the lack of communication was from exhaustion and not embarrassment, you didn't regret a thing.  

Separate cars rolled into the airport and you stood by yourself not wanting to make them uncomfortable in case they indeed had doubts over what had happened. 

Deep into your twitter feed you felt a warm arm wrap around your waist. Jungkook smiled shyly, "I was hoping you'd sit with me this time. You know keep things equal." 

Walking over Taehyung raised his eyebrows at the both of you, "I have a better idea." He held out three new boarding passes, "I got us our own cabin."

THANK YOU FOR READING 💜

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[shannarous]

hey i've seen some people claiming it still possible for eren to be father of historia child and its making me anxious. what do you think?

Hi anon! The short answer is no, I don’t think it’s possible, has never been. There is so much speaking against it - so here’s the long answer (stating the obvious):

Let's start with looking at Historia's reasons for becoming pregnant in the first place. Usually the reason for having a child is love. It's crystal clear though that this is not the case for Historia's child, no matter who the father is. The only one who Historia showed genuine affection towards was Ymir, and ever since her death Historia didn't really seem to care about anyone except for the orphan kids of Paradis. Now, chapter 138 confirmed that Eren was/is in love with Mikasa, or - if you don't see it that way - at least that Mikasa is the most important person in his life, so important that he would even ditch his best friend Armin and send Historia through hell just to spend his last years with Mikasa and Mikasa alone. Eren never showed similar feelings towards anyone but her, and the special moments he shared with her are plenty. Her memory shards always take up the most space by far and they're almost always at the very center. So, Eren and Historia both have (or had) their special someone whom they don't want to live without, and once they're separated from them their characters become dark. This makes Eren and Historia pretty similar to each other, and it's exactly why they became allies, or "partners in crime" even. They do care for each other, but not at all in a romantical way. Rather, we know that Eren cares for all of his friends and the people of Paradis in general. He wants them to live long and happy lives, so it's only natural that he initially stood up against Zeke's plan to turn Historia into a breeding machine and have her titanized eventually. He desperately sought a way out of it because it was against every single principle he has and because Historia is one of his dearest friends, but not his lover. Historia appreciated this, but she had actually accepted her fate and was willing to go through that hell if it served a greater good. Which is why it was no surprise that she was the one to suggest the pregnancy later while Eren had despised the idea the whole time.

So, if love isn't the reason for Historia's pregnancy, what is? Actually, there are several tactical reasons for it, and none of them requires Eren to be the father.

As mentioned above, Historia was the one to suggest the pregnancy, when she was talking with Eren about his Rumbling plans. We haven't seen the whole talk (yet), but I think we've seen enough to understand what it all meant. In short, the whole purpose of her pregnancy was to avoid her being titanized and Zeke being fed to her. While Eren initially just wanted to save her from having to bear a child she clearly didn't want and to stop the cruel cycle of children having to eat their parents, he now also had something different in mind. He needed a titan of royal blood to put his plan into action, and conveniently his half-brother was just that. However, Zeke would have been fed to Historia the moment he lay a foot on Paradis if the military had their way, and that may have even been an option for Eren too, since she’s got royal blood just as well as Zeke. But Historia actually wasn't okay with Eren's plans at first and even wanted to go along with the military's. So he needed to convince her to obey, otherwise he would have had to use Founding Titan to make her cooperate - whereas he had seen in his future memories that with Zeke he would be able to achieve his goal much easier. Moreover, had he used Historia instead of Zeke, her lifespan would have been shortened drastically, and not only that: It would've put her in grave danger. We don't know exactly how much Eren knew about the future, but even if he hadn't known anything at all at that time, he must've considered the possibility of his plan failing. Maybe he even already knew he was gonna be killed, and if it had been Historia in Zeke's place during the Rumbling, she would've been killed along with him. Eren did everything he possibly could to leave his friends out of his plans, to be the only one responsible for it all, to be the only "bad guy" - that's what the Rumbling was all about in the first place. He needed Historia to play along, but quietly. Well, Historia made it pretty clear she wouldn't support him with the Rumbling, so much so that Eren offered to alter her memories if the burden of knowing was too much for her to bear. However, when he reminded her of her own words, that she was "the worst girl in the world", humanity's enemy, I guess Historia knew in that moment that she wouldn't be able to stop him, so she gave up opposing him and became his ally again. Since the only option to prevent Historia from being titanized and eating Zeke was the pregnancy, in the end, it was a choice between certain death (either in the near future or after 13 years at the latest) or a 9-month-hell for Historia, and they chose the latter as it obviously seemed like the smaller price to pay.

So now they had agreed on the pregnancy being necessary as a way to prevent Historia's certain death and to start the Rumbling. I can see why some people think it'd be logical that Eren would "help" her with executing this plan, but there is way too much speaking against that:

- As I have made clear above, Eren and Historia are not in love, have never been. In fact, they are or were both in love with someone else. It is therefore highly unlikely that Eren would just say "sure you need a baby I'll make you one" - no, both of them would never ever want this. If you think they would, you haven't understood their characters at all. Besides, Historia may have given in to Eren's plan after all, but keep in mind that she was actually wholeheartedly against his ideas. While they were allies in the end, their mindsets were quite different, if not opposing. That's why I don't see that "connection" that some fans claim exists between them. They are very similar in character, but they deal with their fates very differently.

- I've highlighted before that Eren despises the idea of putting Historia through the living hell that is forced pregnancy. Do you really think he would even be able to have sex with her like that? The only reason he agreed to her becoming pregnant is that the only other option was her certain death. If there had been another way, he sure as hell would never have agreed to put her through that.

- I haven't mentioned him until now but he's probably even the most important piece in this puzzle: Farmer-kun exists. Why would Historia even bother to approach Farmer-kun if she really already had Eren to make her a child? He wouldn't be necessary. Some say he's just a "cover-up story", but what for? Why would Eren and Historia even have to keep it a secret if Eren was the father? That one military officer said it loud and clear when talking to Nile and the others: they do not care at all who impregnated Historia. The queen is free to chose her suitors herself. All they care about is the simple fact that she's pregnant. She could've even said she didn't know who the father was, it wouldn't have changed a thing. Moreover, consider the fact that Farmer-kun seems oblivious to all of it. If he really was a cover-up, he wouldn't know, and that means Historia would still have had to sleep with him to make him believe he's the father, even if she already was pregnant from Eren. And if Eren really was in love with Historia, he would never let her have sex with someone else just for cover-up. As if the pregnancy itself wasn't enough of a burden already.

- Last but not least: Eren does not have any special genes at all. He's not of royal blood, nor is he an Ackermann or Asian or anything that would make him a tactical choice for being the father of this child. Titan powers are not inherited by shifter's children either - it was stated unmistakably in the manga that when a shifter dies without passing on their titan powers, they're transferred to a random newborn Eldian child, no matter the distance or blood relation between the two. From this perspective, Farmer-kun's genes are just as good as Eren's.

I hope this helps anon, I know how anti’s theories can cause anxiety, even knowing that it’s probably not true. Chapter 139 will clear things up for better or for worse, we’ll see. Maybe I’m completely wrong, but I consider it extremely unlikely at this point.

[aenngelic]

I will protect her at all costs (chapter 2)

Disclaimer: please don’t hate me for it, if you don’t ship them please just don’t read it ok 🥲

contains: slow burn, Sniper falling in love with Kuon, Snipers view/thoughts, sexual fantasies, nudity, lemon stuff overall

It is a very long chapter I’m sorry

Note: please feel free to message me if you have certain romantic moments to include in the story! (Already running out of ideas oops)

It did not take long for us to find a bag of supplies. It was on a coffee table in some sort of lobby area. It seemed as if this building probably was meant to represent some kind of hotel, which I thought was a good thing, because that meant that there would be beds and showers to be found here as well. To our surprise, the bag contained mostly candy, which I wouldn't interpret as a balanced meal. However, the girl seemed to like this finding. It was only a matter of minutes before the chocolate residue stained the corners of my companion's mouth in a brown color. However, I preferred to smoke a cigarette at first and watch the girl devour her own body weight in the form of chocolate.

" This is fantastic! It feels like forever since I last ate chocolate! I faintly remember dieting before I entered this world too, so this must have been probably weeks since I held chocolate in my hand." Kuon said with delight. It was amusing to watch her enjoy sweets. Kuon's carelessness may be a burden at times, but her innocent character makes up for it.

" you partly remember your life prior to this, don't you?"

" Yes, not much to be honest. I'm sorry you can't," Kuon replied in a concerned voice.

"Tell me about it."

She gave me a visibly puzzled look before straightening her back so that she was sitting as straight as a candle on the sofa across from me, staring at her hands somewhat lost in thought. She seemed uncomfortable that I had now brought up this topic. Unfortunately, I could not take back my question. "Well," she began, "to be honest,the life I remember has not been the greatest, I guess." Kuon abruptly shook her head. " That's not true either. I was born into a rich family and had many privileges. My father owned a large company and had very high expectations of me from the very beginning. One day I was supposed to take it over. I was probably pretty lucky compared to other people. I was probably a big disappointment for him. My character was just not strong enough in his eyes. I also remember not really having any friends either, because I was privately educated. And anyway..." I could literally hear the lump in Kuon's throat as a tear began to stream down the girl's cheek.

" i'm sorry. You know, I didn't really mean to end up crying."

I felt my heart break once again, watching the girl grieve. I was surprised now, though, to find out that this yet seemingly uncomplicated high school student was actually carrying a lot of emotional baggage. I did not hesitate as I jumped up from my seat to calm the blue-haired girl. I really hated it like the plague when she cried. Trying to preserve my Coolness, however, I grumbled, "oh girl. What's wrong?"

I placed myself to her left, and pressed her against my shoulder while running my hand over her hair a few times. There was no way I could bring myself to face her, though. It would be too embarrassing and, after all, I was far from being the Prince Charming who would dry her tears with a silken tissue. Besides, I could not withstand the sight of her teary eyes. So there I sat, a weeping teenage girl wetting my blazer with salty drops of grief on my right, awkwardly staring off into the distance.

"It's, it's..." she stammered, not being able to form a word. "You're the first person I've been able to trust, and because of that, I'm kind of..."

She took a deep breath, "It makes me so unbelievably happy."

Almost for the second time that day, a cigarette nearly got stuck in my throat, but this time I was able to suppress my urge to cough. The girl seemed to really like me. But did I like her too? I would be lying if I said I did not care about her. And if she got killed, I could never forgive myself. It was astonishing how one could form such a strong bond with another person in such a short period of time. However, pouring out my entire feelings in front of her would not come close to the cool lifestyle I was pursuing.

" i'm also happy to have met you, Kuon.", i finally decided to answer after a moment of figuring out how to respond.

Kuon's face, which was still streaked with tears, started to smile again, which made me feel much relieved. However, it took her a while to completely stop her wailing . We remained in this position for a while, until at some point I realized that the girl had fallen asleep. Her head had lowered in the meantime even further toward the ground, so that after some time she was no longer leaning against my shoulder but much rather against my belly. When I noticed this after some time and looked down to the girl, a cute sight presented itself to me. Admittedly, on the one hand it felt nice to act as this girl's pillow. On the other hand, it triggered an immeasurable amount of embarrassment in me. But cool guys do like to take care of girls' comfort, don't they?

Therefore, I decided I'd rather not wake her up and hardly moved at all. I looked out the window to my right, watching the sunset and reflected on certain issues. I was thinking about Rika as well as the two girls we were trying to find and, of course, about Kuon and so many other things until my eyes started to close.

When I regained consciousness, the night must have settled in. Before I could even perceive my surroundings properly, I swiveled my head once to the left and once to the right and let my gaze wander through the room. Because the moon was particularly bright this night, everything around me had taken on a deep blue tone. It was so quiet around me that I could have heard a pin drop. In the next second I realized that I should not have fallen asleep in the first place. Somebody would have had to keep watch, after all! Crap! If an enemy would have come along the way, it certainly would not have been good for me and Kuon. I looked down to my thigh where the blue-haired girl was supposed to lie. I felt her place her head on my thigh at some point during the night, but when I looked down at my thigh, I could not find any girl. Where the hell was Kuon? A rational thinking person, as I was one, could of course assume that my companion did not necessarily have to be in danger, but could also have simply visited the toilet, for example. Nonetheless, my alarm bells started ringing immediately. Kuon was, after all, a young girl who, apart from the "rail gun", did not posses many possibilities for self-defense. So of course I was worried.

Without thinking much, I hopped up from the sofa, on which I had been napping a few moments before. In quick stride I wandered through the poorly lit hallway without really having a clue where I was heading. My head was foggy from the idea that the girl might be in serious danger. A few days ago, I probably would have accepted the fact that she was suddenly nowhere to be found and continued my journey. And now my stomach was already twisting at the thought of her getting in trouble.

Nevertheless, a short moment later, my heart pounding madly from the ever-repeating scenario in my head, I heard a noise at the end of the corridor. A soft, high-pitched humming was heard, drowned out by the pattering of many drops. Light emerged from the crack of a door on the left. Was she taking a shower? The feeling of relief spread through my chest, followed by some degree of annoyance. Why did the girl not wake me up? I took a few steps towards the door, but before I was about to reach for the door handle, I remembered that I should not do so. A gentleman never violates a lady's privacy. So I decided to wait.

I leaned against the local wall, one leg bent. Then I let my thoughts wander, while the pattering of the raindrops in the bathroom right next to me showed no indication of stopping anytime soon. A lady of high society must spend quite a bit of her life showering, I thought to myself. And before I knew it, the image of Kuon suddenly popped up in my head. In my imagination I pictured her body, wondering what it looked like completely naked. A bar of soap running over her plump breasts, leaving traces of foam on her soft, wet skin. A body swinging under the hot rainfall like a leaf in the wind, presenting its vivid buttocks. I wonder if she was shaved? Hardly had I been able to finish this dirty thought of mine and get mad at my filthy thinking when my ears picked up the sound of footsteps in the distance. And they were coming ominously closer.

Damn, I thought to myself and was about to reach for my rifle, only to realize that I forgot it next to the sofa where I had been sleeping. I had been so upset about her disappearance that I could seriously forget the most crucial item for our survival.What was I going to do? For a brief moment I was at a loss. Escape proved almost impossible at this point, since I was at a dead end and I could not force the approaching enemy down with any surrounding objects. Besides, if I escaped, it would only be a matter of time before the enemy would track down my helpless companion. In the next moment, almost instinctively, I reached for the door handle that led to the bathroom that Kuon had still claimed. Perhaps there were objects in the room that were suitable for fighting, or perhaps we could be lucky and not be found, I speculated in the heat of the moment. So I tore open the door and rushed into the bathroom, greeted by a hot haze that took over the entire area.

"Kuon!" I called out in a hushed tone.

Without hesitation, I pushed my way through the door that separated the shower from the rest of the bathroom as if I was walking through nothing. Until that moment, I had hardly given a thought to the circumstances of this situation. But at the latest, when finally the naked body of a schoolgirl jumped into my field of vision, I quickly realized this again. I was just about to violate Kuon's privacy. An obviously shocked girl looked towards me, that from 1 second to the other tried to cover herself desperately.

"Mr.Ma-", she was about to say, but I interrupted her raised voice by pressing my hand to her lips as quickly as possible.

While I was still in the act of stepping into the shower, I flicked the light switch in the same movement so that no sign of our presence could escape from the room. Maybe they would not find us here, I hoped at this point.

"There's someone out there," I whispered to the naked girl in front of me.

" if we are quiet, maybe we won't be found. If we are, then..."

Kuon replied to me with an unintelligible "Mmm" , which resembled the sound of a frightened gasp. My body had pressed so close to hers by now that I could feel the wetness of her skin soaking through my shirt. I had directed my face facing away from her so that I could sharpen my hearing for the footsteps I could hear. Furthermore , I did not want to add unnecessary tension to the whole situation. It was uncool enough to interfere with a naked girl taking a shower even if it was an emergency. My hand was still resting on her lips and even though I was wearing gloves and looking away, I could clearly feel the warmth building up in Kuon's cheeks. She was obviously blushing in this moment. But having her pressed against the bathroom wall while forcing my hand tightly onto her lips and not even keeping a distance of not 2 inches, I could not blame her.

For quite a while, we did not move at all. We listened closely to the footsteps, which came a little closer and finally slowly moved away from us again. Temporarily it was even so quiet in this bathroom that we could hear each other breathing. Kuon's breathing was fast and almost verged on hyperventilation in this situation. Because there was hardly any distance between our bodies, I could literally feel her chest rising and falling in short intervals. With each rise, her breasts brushed my upper body a slight bit. I tried, as always, to keep my composure and block out the fact that Kuon was completely naked. Only when several minutes had passed did my posture loosen and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Okay, we should be safe for now," I stated and let go of the girl.

I flipped the light switch and had to swallow.

Kuon had been naked before too, but it was only now that the danger was gone that I could really comprehend this fact. She had tried to cover her breasts with her hands and had simultaneously crossed her legs, looking down with a shameful expression on her face. However, the concealment attempt seemed to be unsuccessful for her. Although I only caught a glimpse of her appearance before I turned away from her as quickly as possible, I saw her entire beauty for a moment.Her breasts were in relation to her otherwise so petite body, large and plump. She had a narrow waist and perfectly shaped legs, in combination with her smooth, fair skin. And so she shaved, I could still tell. What remained most imprinted on my mind, however, was the look on her face.I of course preferred to see her friendly smile a thousand times more than this face that expressed pure shame. But I could not help but adore the sight of her big sparkling dog eyes looking at the ground helplessly.

My breath stopped for a moment, but then I quickly cleared my throat, my gaze already averted from her, scanning the room for a towel. I tried to hide the fact that I actually wanted to slap myself for the thoughts I was having. Luckily, my embarrassment was not visible through the mask. I had to change the subject immediately before the situation became even more awkward:

"Sorry, Kuon." , I mumbled. I was surprised myself by my harsh tone. It took me a while to recollect the words.

"You should let me know next time you decide to go somewhere else."

"Oh yeah right. I didn't mean to cause any trouble.", Countered the girl who also seemed to be a bit embarrassed. So it wasn't just me who was feeling uncomfortable about this situation. Without giving my companion another look, I threw a towel right over my head at her. I had a precise aim.

" I'm going to get my rifle. I forgot it in all the hurry near the sofa."

Just as I was about to open the door to step out, the girl interrupted my process by grabbing my arm with unusual intensity.

" can you come back here afterwards? Please?"

"That's what I was planning on doing anyway. I'll be waiting right outside the door," I replied, a bit puzzled by this question.

" but I have -." she interrupted herself, shaking her head slightly before continuing.

Then her facial expression regained its former composure, whereupon she gave me her typical, beaming smile. I could tell, however, that she did not mean it honestly. How I could tell that, I had no idea myself though. But did she want me to stay here with her?

" no you're right. I'll hurry up and be done in a few minutes," she said. While she was talking, she wrapped the towel around her body in a quick movement, fastening it in front with the help of a knot.

I had meanwhile turned my gaze back to her. Although Kuon was now dressed, it was difficult for me not to inspect her from top to bottom. Her entire body was still drenched in a hint of wetness, so that her skin was reflectingthe bright bathroom light. It was also slightly red from the hot shower water. I wondered if the red tint to her cheeks was also caused by that, or if I was responsible for it.I could not help but notice the way the towel just managed to hide all the places it was supposed to cover and yet was far too tight. If she bent over, a special view would present itself to me. Immediately I dashed this disgusting thought from my head. If I continued to reduce myself only to her appearance this could end in negligence on my part and I would not be able to protect her properly.After all, that was the most important thing. I also discarded this thought. Had this strange girl really become so important to me? Nevertheless, there was no place for interpersonal relationships in this world.Before I could get any further into this train of thought, I turned away again and finally walked out of the room. I was in need of a cigarette.

[jojotichakorn]

my thoughts and opinions on "lovely writer": criticizing the critic

tw for discussions of age gaps, rape, and sex

before i turn into the mean and constantly dissatisfied archer that we all know and hate, i just want to say that i liked this show. i think it's great, actually! gene and sib are appropriately cute, the premise is nice, and the attempt at criticizing the industry is... well, an attempt, which is better than nothing. moreover, "lovely writer" came with gifts because it gave me my new favorite character, so you can't go telling me i'm trying to completely obliterate it or something.

besides, this specific post isn't going to get into analyzing the show as a whole anyway. i won't be talking about any irrelevant plot points, cinematography, sound design, or anything like that, though i could probably write a post just as long as this one about that side of things as well. however, i am here to specifically look at the problematic things that were both criticized by the show and included in the show without any criticism. i'm going to talk about the more serious side of things here, which means i'm going to get serious. and i'm going to be harsh. very harsh.

gene and nubsib: yes's and no's

overall, the relationship between gene and sib was a fair attempt at showing something complex, yet ultimately quite healthy, which i appreciate. there were some things i was especially glad about. the fact that sib dated other people before settling on getting together with gene, for example, makes the whole situation a little less codependent. however, as much as this show prides itself on not wanting to romanticize problematic relationships, there are at least two major problems with genesib.

the age gap (and why it was not needed)

i've tried my very best to give this entire concept the benefit of the doubt. at first, i was convincing myself that they were simply close childhood friends, then i was trying my best to believe that even though sib did have a sort of crush on gene (which sometimes happens to little children), gene only saw him as his younger brother, but eventually, the show gave me no choice, but to deem the entire storyline problematic, because they did their best to romanticize that relationship - from gene's dad seeing the "early signs" to the counting and kissing the cheek turning to counting and full-on lip-locking in the last episode.

i could go into how this could all easily be mended if little sib was shown as kind of obsessed with his older friend, but gene was shown as not being anywhere near interested in the kid. but the real question is - why was the age gap needed at all?

i've researched the age of the boys during the flashbacks to the best of my ability and it seems that gene is 11 and sib is 6 or 7. if sib was the same age as gene (or maybe just one year younger, but not any more than that), not only would none of it feel weird, it would also be quite appropriate to explore that first glimpse of romantic feelings some of us experience exactly around that age. i don't think it's necessary for sib to be much younger than gene (children can be just as impressionable at 11 as they are at 7, and as for gene being surprisingly nice and helpful and the other kids not wanting to play with sib, he could have easily been - for example - bullied by his peers instead, which would have the same effect).

moving forward to the present, i don't think the lack of an age gap would affect the storyline that much either. even if they desperately needed sib to be a university student, they could have that one-year difference i've talked about before, which is not as significant. sib could be in his last year of uni, while gene could have easily written his very first novel during his university years, which would actually make more sense (since that guaranteed him employment and freedom to write after he finished uni; and i would rather believe that he had time to write his first novel in-between classes than in-between shifts at work, which he would surely need to have if he started writing after finishing university).

so that brings me back to my initial question - why was it needed? and much like the show often does, i will leave this one up for your interpretation because i do not have any sensible answers myself.

the issue with sex and consent

"but archer!" - i hear you exclaim - "lovely writer is known for explicitly denouncing rape romanticization in bls, how could there possibly be any problems with consent here?" and i hear you, my dear reader. and you aren't incorrect, "lovely writer" is indeed very explicit at calling out bls for having rape scenes (and i do appreciate that). however, as i'm sure you know, there are different ways in which consent can be taken from a person, and there are different non-consensual acts that someone might perform. for example, there are many different forms of coercion, such as the person being persuaded until they feel like they have no other choice, but to say yes. touching someone or kissing someone without asking for permission are also non-consensual acts. i can go on and on, there are many examples outside of what so many people consider rape.

now, what if i tell you that though there (thank the gods) has been no rape present in "lovely writer", not all scenes with gene and sib are consensual? well, that's what i'm telling you because it's the truth. both the first kissing scene and the scene where gene and sib "try out different poses" have clear coercion in them. the entire "joke" of the scene before gene and sib's first time is literally built upon the concept of "a person is trying to run away from someone, who wants to have sex with them" and it is NOT funny. the later reveal of gene actually looking up how to have sex seems to be there on purpose, to show that everything that's happened is "ok" because gene was thinking about it. as a sensible person, i will only accept actual enthusiastic consent and not someone possibly maybe probably considering it. not to mention that right before having sex, sib asks gene one last time if he is sure, which is great, except it is immediately followed by "i'm not going to let you change your mind anymore", which - daily reminder - you are allowed to stop having sex at any point during the act if you start feeling uncomfortable with it. that's absolutely normal.

now the problem that we seem to run into here is that "lovely writer" appears to think that it's ok to push someone to the limit until they either finally agree or confidently and loudly disagree. the drama has repeatedly shown us that actually forcing someone to have sex is not ok; however, persuading and otherwise coercing someone, as well as taking an approximate guess of them wanting to have sex based on some marginally related factors, is ok. i would like to once again remind everyone that all of that is not ok.

one more issue i want to bring up in connection with sex is something i wish was common knowledge: it is NOT supposed to hurt during your first time. whether you are planning to have vaginal or anal sex for the first time, it should not hurt. and if it does, something has definitely gone wrong and you need to stop. you are not supposed to experience any pain or discomfort during sex, including your first time (outside of desired and therefore intentionally inflicted pain, but that's not what i'm talking about here). i have seen this misconception brought up many times in bls along with the other person "thanking the person who got hurt for bearing the pain to bring them pleasure" and absolutely none of that is normal. stop. please, just... stop.

criticism of the BL industry

there are certainly quite a few things i liked about the way "lovely writer" criticized the many problems that surround bls. i think they dealt especially well with the fan aspect. the breaches of privacy that are considered normal, the toxicity of social media that encourages people to comment on other people's personal life, harass and stalk them - all of that was shown in its full glory (or rather horror) and clearly condemned. it was also interesting to see how easily everyone around sib fell into the routine of having to hide genesib's relationship, just because "that's what's supposed to be done in these situations" - even tum did that without thinking twice.

however, i have not spent the past three years hating gmm for a show trying to criticize the industry not to focus on criticizing the production company and everyone professionally involved with the making of bls. don't get me wrong - they didn't completely overlook that side of things, but i found the way they approached it dissatisfying.

like yes, tum fights with his sister (aka sib's manager) and calls her out for her terrible actions, and the publisher (bua) eventually apologizes for what she did, but all of that feels a bit too... personal. i do not care about these individual stories. i care about you saying that the whole system is broken because it very much is. i wanted manner of death but with the bl industry, and instead, i got an "uwu the fans are demanding we do this, and our hands our tied" (which is a lie) and "uwu i'm just trying to make money" (which i mean... if you feel ok milking even more money than you already have by doing something unethical and immoral, then be my guest, but also go fuck yourself). besides that, i didn't see any criticism of tabloids or exploitative celebrities either (both of which we had examples of in the show), and that was kind of disappointing.

coming back to the fans for a moment, i also think that the criticism of real people shipping was entirely unsuccessful. we basically mostly got an "oh, what if this person's partner thinks they are actually dating", which... if a bunch of people on the internet who do not know your boyfriend personally and make all their judgments from screenshots and their imagination can convince you that your boyfriend is cheating, i've got some bad news for you and also a number for a therapist. partly i know why it was so complicated for them to get into it properly - the issue with real people shipping is an issue of privacy, boundaries, the perception of celebrities, acceptable interests, and many other complex topics. however, it's better to not criticize something than to criticize it badly and inaccurately (because the latter usually leads to even more encouragement of whatever you were attempting to criticize).

aey: the flamboyant villain

aey certainly starts as a promisingly complex character, but the farther we go from his backstory and his family, the less complex and the more evil he gets. eventually, the trauma he goes through is no longer enough to give him a get-out-of-jail-free card, and he loses all remaining sympathy after sexually harassing gene and pretending to drug sib. and i did start this post by saying that i am not to analyze any plot points or characters from the show here; however, i'm saying all this to prove a point that aey is a clear villain in the show. this is further cemented by the fact that by the end of the show he loses the only two people who cared about him, and the very last moment with him in the show is literally just him crying for about 3 minutes. there was no redemption arc, no pity, no revenge - he was left alone and broken, clearly punished by the narrative. and i've got a bone to pick here as well.

one of the first things that we find out about aey is that he is gay, and quite openly so. he is repeatedly described as very feminine by many characters, he flirts with men, he talks about being good in bed, and his entire character is built upon being gay (half of it directly, and the other half due to the fact that his entire backstory and therefore personality is also built upon the fact that he is gay). he is - for the lack of a better term - the gayest character in the show and the only one who is loud about being gay not because he is in love but simply because it is a part of him and he doesn't want to hide it. and he is the villain. not the disgusting publisher or the terrible manager - no, this guy was specifically chosen to ruin everyone's lives. and i can't say i'm particularly happy about that. *british voice* seems a bit homophobic love

not quite queer enough

as i said, aey is openly gay. gene and sib also eventually say that they are gay, gene's father teep is queer, so are tiffy and mhok. but it just doesn't seem to come up as much as it would in real life. the only time anyone has a problem with any of the characters being queer is when we deal with the parents. but knowing actual queer thai actors in real life, we are all aware how hard it can be for them, but it has not come up even once for aey, gene or sib (with genesib only being a problem because they are a "non-shippable couple"). being queer is far from being a non-issue in the industry, and i found it incredibly weird that it was never brought up (and i would also prefer if they brought that up instead of showing the unaccepting parents plot for the millionth time).

same goes for the lack of conversation around queer people on set. i think we all have a wonderful example of how much better a bl can get simply when it involves a queer director and/or screenwriter (gods bless p'aof), gay actors, etc. i also thought it was a missed opportunity that gene being a gay man writing a bl novel was never highlighted. if anything, everyone made a big deal out of him being a man writing a bl - never mind that he is a gay man that is far more qualified to write bls than a straight woman.

in conclusion, there are simply not enough queer issues talked about here for a show that is about queer people facing difficulties while making a queer drama.

tiffy and tum: the good, the bad, and the ugly

overall, tiffy and tum are quite cool. outside of my own personal feelings, i really liked the clear reversal of gender roles they have going on: he knows lots about make-up, she knows nothing about it, he knows how to sew, she knows how to repair a car, etc.

tiffy is also a nice addition to the precious few queer girls we have in bls. however, the way her being bi is executed... it isn't great. when she first talks about dating girls to tum, she says things like "even though i look like this" (implying queer girls have a certain look?) and "maybe it seemed normal because i was at an all-girls school" (which wtf does that even mean?). i think the worst thing, though, was when she assumed tum was gay. my best guess is she thought so because she initially thought that tum and gene were a couple; however, she should be the first person to know that just because he likes men, it doesn't mean that he doesn't like women or any other gender. even though there was nothing explicitly leading me to make this conclusion, this whole thing did kind of feel like the old "flipping the switch" stereotype (meaning, she used to like women, but now she likes men, and both of them can't happen simultaneously).

make it make sense

i think i've never been more confused in my entire life than when i found out that the director of "lovely writer" also happens to be the director of "th*arnt*pe". and if at first, i was asking a lot of questions about this peculiar individual, who went from working on the worst rape-romanticizing show we have ever had to a show that explicitly states that rape is not normal. but the more i thought about it, the less i was interested in him, and the more i was interested in whoever made the decision to hire him. there are dozens of different directors that have worked specifically on bls, and even more that haven't. yet out of all those, you decided to choose this one. the dude, who before your show has only directed the show with the biggest rape-y vibes. that casts a particular kind of shade on the entire show that i simply do not like.

conclusion

at the end of the day, i think what "lovely writer" tried to do was very interesting. it succeeded in some ways and failed in others. frankly, i think this show could have easily been made better if someone queer was involved in making it. that's always true, but especially so, when we try to talk about the issues of making a queer drama. either way, it's certainly a good start to this conversation; however - as i said - i'm still waiting for my manner of death but with the bl industry. this was unfortunately not it.