#wheres the crowley fashion doll when you need one

[the-butterbun]

She's an icon, She's a legend AND SHE IS THE MOMENT✨

[keyheartsia-dorm]

*Sighs*

I’m bored let’s do a lore dump

It’s a Map~

Oh Yeah I mentioned a Sprinkle of Final Fantasy and KH but I haven’t talked about that Aspect of my Canon At all have I? Well truth be told it’s cause I’m focusing on getting the more Basic Aspects of my Oc’s Before I get into that but Guess who made this Baby on a Whim!

So this is the Map of the Isle of Light well the Main Island at least there are other Littler Bits of land Yet to surface I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶t̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶A̶d̶d̶ ̶o̶n̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶L̶a̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶h̶a̶h̶a̶ oh yeah did I mention it’s a FLOATING ISLAND!! Yeah P Sick right? Okay so I’ll go into the Island’s History and it’s Area’s but it may have some Spoilers I guess you could say but honestly I wouldn’t wait on me making a full fledged...Anything outta the Story I’ve made like I’ll sum it up (not here but like in general) but comics are hard Videos are hard Fics are hard maybe not individually but this is more of a Anime Series then an Anime movie if you feel me without further ado...Stuff

Oh god this was longer then expected

Some General Background

So The Isle of Light was Originally the Black Forest A Place of Freedom and Expression for all who lead lives who Needed to hide Such and Some Such was The Coven of the Black Forest made up of 3 sisters (not biologically also there was a 4th) they all found comfort and love with each other one being the Princess of the Kingdom nearby (The 4th and Littlest one) She had a fiancé who was Mad with a Lust for power and Control over things he Didn’t need power and control over He Treated the Littlest one Cruelly when the other 3 Decided enough was enough when he did...SOMETHING to Part of the Forest so Horrible it turned Dead and Cruel (Subtle Subtle Hint Hint Wink) When all 3 Of them saw the Ruin They went so mad they turned to Darkness and fought him and all his Manmade monstrosities there when the Princess Arrived there was so much Dark energy everywhere it was Bad like Real Bad So with her friends now monsters she Fought them with a heavy heart her heart broke so much she fell afterwards immediately Unintentionally Sending her Kingdom to somewhere nobody knows where she is though...That’s an even bigger question BUT the story would live on as a Weilder of the key blade who slayed 3 evil witches...(Oh yeah did I mention Crowley knows And that’s Why He Let the Girls Attend because he thought they might be the Black Forest Coven Reincarnated And the Prophecy that when they Awakened the “Keys to their Hearts once more” They’d Free The Princess From her Mirror Prison Oh Yeah also the princess DID Die But her Reincarnation Goes inside a Mirror and is trapped there when she turns 17 and Doesn’t leave until she dIES ALSO ITS HIS OLDEST DAUGHTER THIS TIME ALSO YES HE HAS 2 DAUGHTERS...Okay lemme just calm down..Also yeah she thought of the Princess System) but After a Wish got safe haven for all Keyblade Weilders (I have KH Oc’s other then these don’t ask Longer story they live and basically founded Fortana Haven) I guess the Isle of Light Rose from the Shadow Realm to be just that oh yeah also the Isle of light is literally that kingdom if ya didn’t know

Fortana Haven

(Some Love Nikki BGs for Visualization if I’m Wrong about this from being from Love Nikki Correct me pls and if this is your art sorry and I’ll take it down)

Okay this Place Basically a Modern Fairytale Everything is so Rustic~ but they Have Cafe’s and Stuff~ They’re still very much in Development as a City..or town..or whatever Boss of everything Locket Clover (An OG KH OC) Runs Everything Wonderfully she welcomes everything with open arms and If you wanna run a shop or want a Building for a particular Thing or Activity she’s Pretty open to the idea unless it’s Incredibly Dumb But she will make you get The Wood and Supplies and The Bricks and the Brick Stick Sauce or whatever it’s called she might get give you help constructing but dang is she a firm believer in “DIY” but I like how she’s Determined to Have a Good Balance between Industrial and Rural In fact there is a Mall (God knows how it got there) And that’s pretty much all there is for your Juicy Capitalism Fix She Runs “Hope Stir” Workshop according to Her boyfriend Ephmer It was always Called a workshop but for the longest time she did EVERYTHING Subtle Farmwork And Animal Husbandry ACTUAL Workshop things all cause she wanted to help every Weilder she knew out and made sure they had a place for food and such She is a bit of a Moneyholic but when you’ve been doing what she’s been doing I bet you’d be too overall While it doesn’t have much History yet Fortana Haven (4-Tana is how you say it btw) Is truly well a Haven

The Crowned Castle

(More Pics for Visuals I don’t think this is from love Nikki but if this is your artwork same applies I’m not gonna be the guy who Claims just cause it’s on google it belongs to everybody or something even though yeah I did find it on google)

The...Crown of the Isle of Light Before We came to the Isle for the first time Apparently Everyone In Fortana thought it was Haunted! Which..Fair enough Before we Placed the Princess Medals (Okay QUICK SUMMARY OF THIS BIT Okay so in the KH Mobile game there’s Medals and I wanted them to be in my story basically They’re Memories formed into powers when all my Oc’s Met the Princess’s Of Heart They Each got a Medal Representing them and then the Medals Restored the Castle I left out some details but basically that’s it) This Castle is the BOMB There’s Cool Pretty Princess Room’s And a Bedroom JUST FOR SLUMBER PARTIES!! And it’s just a good Place to Vibe and Hang out with your friends (I’m sorry I’m about to Lore Dumb all over this place) The Princess’s Fiancé Made a Crown for her before she could put it on he put some of his Subconscious in it poor Eden When she wanted to get stronger for Malleus (Malleus is her adoptive big brother and she was upset cause she felt she wasn’t good enough ran away to get power and found the crown) It really did almost completely overtake her I shudder thinking about it “Kachow”...Ew (The fiancé said that a lot ok) a lotta bad stuff happened here but as selfish as this may sound I feel like I earned my spot here and I wanna keep sharing it with my friends

The Matteria Deadland

(Also Imagine some Pointy Mountains and some Lite Mech debris)

Man What to say... So Much Happened here as well probably Tragedy I can’t comprehend there is a few good places about this place though Diane likes to Scavange around Here for Interesting Debris Eden doesn’t like the Air around here but she says she finds Interesting Jewels here and Latte says the same thing so there is good to be found here We all come here every so often to try to help..Anything grow but they don’t call this deadland for nothing but still ya can’t give up hope! I wanna grow some beautiful Lillies here one day! Also hey! Also pretty cool name (Matter-RI-a is how you say it btw) All the sadness that happened here it actually did make the land rich in Metal if nothing else there’s even a whole Cavern we found in the mountains...it almost killed us but we found it

Opal Cove

(also these are Gacha Backgrounds)

Is this Place an Actual Cove? Idk

Is this Place super cool and pretty? Yeah

Is this one of my favorite places in this whole Isle? FRICK YEAH

okay I love a lot about this Isle but Opal Cove!!

Our mermaid friend Mitella I guess “Runs” the Place Our KINDA merman Friend Skye also spends a whole lotta time here Basically it’s a Giant Pool and rumor has it...It’s endless Water...CAUSE IT IS SOMEHOW CAUSE I KNOW weird thing is the Sand it’s at the end of the Isle so there’s not really a beach just...Sand Near Water Odd The Coral Near the Bottom or well “Bottom” Is SO PRETTY it’s like Crystals in the morning the light shines its SO DANG PRETTY I’m glad Mitella is a Sea Witch Or else we couldn’t go so deep underwater it’s SOOO worth it!! She does NOT let a lotta people at once though Heck she doesn’t like Skye that much from what I can tell but she makes an Exception for ~friends~ So...BE NICE TO OUR CUTE MITELLA I’m glad we have a Convient Place for Blitzball practice and also Swimming around with pretty Mermaid Tails (New Nix Mermaid Action Fashion Doll only 25.99! Get it for your Child or they’ll cry!! Also a 5 dollar Boy doll take his Shirt off! That’s it!) Hyde Mi And Skye are kinda an Iconic Trio Mi Also Teaches how to swim with a mermaid tail better for the Weilders who wanna go to Atlantica Hey Mermaids gotta eat so get a Swim Lesson! (And also a transforming Mermaid Doll!)

Bianco Nero Forest

Well tbh I have the least to say because it’s Appeal is simple ADVENTURE AND MYSTERY! Lots can happen in Bianco Nero it’s Basically the Base foundation of the whole Isle! Presumably cause it’s the Black Forest or was at least though it can be dangerous it’s the only place heartless are know to appear in the whole isle (So where you’ll grind In the Video Game that’ll definitely happen :Says the girl who can’t commit to a single comic) They drop all sortsa cool stuff! Heck you can FIND Cool stuff just...Around so..Yeah!!

It’s 2 am maybe I’ll edit this later thanks for reading sorry I got obviously tired by the end goodbye my dearests~ (Seriously y’all deserve like a reward for reading this dumpster fire) I was inspired by those maps in those scholastic books like the Rainbow Fairies I think it was called (Anyone remember those?) that had lil maps in the beginning and also the map’s stickers all on PicsArt

[spooky-raccoon]

Road Trip (Part 10)

Rufo X Female Reader

Part 10 to Road Trip

Back to Reader’s Perspective

Tag List: @booklover2929​ @the-clown-crypt​ @chii2blog​

         I woke up that morning with the memories of the night before playing over in my mind.  The way Rufo eyed me as he approached the bed.  How he took the remote from me and changed it to a music station, one that was playing oldies.  He had grabbed my hand and we danced a little to the music.  No words between the two of us and I felt we didn’t need them.  Even when he had me pinned down to the bed there were no words but the sounds that filled the room.  I had to blink hard and shake my head before sitting up.  I could feel my cheeks heated with the blush that was sure to be bright on them.  That’s when I realized Rufo wasn’t lying beside me.

        I got up from the bed and made my way to the bathroom thinking maybe he was just getting ready for a shower.  Though when I saw the bathroom was empty my heart started to sink.  I went back to the main room and that’s when I saw the note on the desk.  I took it in hand and sat down on the bed to read it.

        “(Y/N),

        I hate to leave like this but it’s what’s best. Go on and enjoy yourself and the rest of your vacation.  Thanks for letting me tag along for as long as you would let me.  Thanks for the memories and good times doll.  

        And just remember, gray skies are gonna clear up.

        Rufo the Clown”

        I sat there for I don’t remember how long until the knock on the door from room service startled me, telling me it was about time for me to get going.  Even packing up and leaving in my car felt like a blur.  He had left some time in the night when I was deep in sleep. Probably knew I would have asked him to stay and tell him that things would be alright.  All I could do was sigh to myself and try to think of what next was on my agenda before the clown had joined.  Before I found myself attached in some way.

        I decided to go to the circus that we had planned to go to together.  I’m sure he wouldn’t be there and it would help get my mind off of things by having some fun.  I managed to find decent parking and bought my wrist band so I could freely enjoy everything the circus had to offer.

         The rides were the typical rides you would find at a travelling circus and I admit I rode the Tilt A Whirl and Scrambler more times than I could count.  I even managed to go on the Ferris Wheel alone even though I could feel my heartbeat pounding hard in my chest when I was at the very top all alone.  The view was worth it though as I looked out the tree lines and hills in the far-off distance.  I even managed to get a good couple of pictures before the descent back down.

        I made it to the big top show just in time to get a good seat close to the front amongst the sea of people.  The show was splendid, and I joined in on the clapping and cheering of the crowd after each act.  I didn’t even notice the gaze of the tall brown-haired man who looked ever so plain in the crowd. Heck, I didn’t even notice as he was getting closer behind me when the large group of folk were guided out of the tent so they could once again enjoy the festivities outside.  Though when he grabbed me that’s when he finally got my attention.

        “Evening cupcake.  I hope you enjoyed the show because we have some place we need to go.” His grip got painfully tight as he shoved me into his body as he made his way through the crowd.  I don’t even think my feet touched the ground much.

        “Let go of me!”  I shouted and even though I was loud enough for several people to hear me, none of them looked at me.  “Let me fucking go!”  I screamed again and tried to jerk away.  It always most worked but his grip was too tight and ready.

       “Now, now, don’t want to ruin everyone else’s day. That would be rude cupcake. Though, there is one person I need to see you like this.”  As I squirmed I saw him scanning around and then he grinned.  I didn’t really like that smile of his.  

        “I said let me go!”  I kept trying to jerk my body away again despite the pain in my arms from his hold.  It almost felt like I was about to break my own bones to get out of his grip and I damn well would if that’s what I needed to happen.

       Though when I looked up to see if anyone was looking I noticed one person.  Rufo looking as human as ever.  He was looking right at me and at Crowley.  That’s when I saw the eyes in his skull sink and his skin start to tear away.

        “(Y/N)!  Crowley! Let her go!  She’s got nothing to do with us!”  I could hear the change in his voice from how it normally sounded to a dry growl as if his vocal cords were becoming taut.

        “And now we make our exit.”  There had been a sea of people between us and I managed to get an arm free as I reached out to Rufo.  

        It didn’t matter though as the people cleared away for Crowley and seemed to move in front of Rufo which didn’t end too well as they were shoved away or worse.  Tears welled up in my eyes as Rufo got further and further away and eventually my arm drooped down.  Crowley didn’t speak as he got me into a car, tying up my hands though still made sure I was comfortable in the back seat of my car.  All I could feel was my heart aching the further we drove away.

        My eyes stayed looking out the window and watching how the road twist and turned.  I didn’t have a clue where were going and I doubt Crowley would give me an answer. Though I didn’t need to wait long as he pulled off to a dirt road which my car didn’t like too much with all the bumps, but it made due as we approached a small wooden cabin tucked away in the trees.  

       “Almost done (Y/N).  Don’t you worry.”  Crowley finally spoke just before getting out of the car.  He came around and got me out so we could trudge our way into the little cabin.  

       It looked as if he had been staying here for about a day.  There were some kerosene lanterns lit and the furniture that was there seemed to have always been there with an almost decaying appearance.  Laying out on a starting to rot tabletop was a brief case and inside was a various things like chalk, crystals, and vials filled with questionable liquid.  He had me seated on one of the sturdier chairs.

       “Now, sit there and be good for me cupcake.” He tied my ankles to the chair, and finally he fashioned a rope around my torso to keep my arms pinned to my sides.

        “Why are you doing this to me Crowley?”  My eyes followed him as he went back to the table and he grabbed a piece of chalk from it.

        “It’s not necessarily a you thing.  It’s a more of him thing.”  He jutted his head toward the door that we came in as he turned. “Him and I have been fighting each other for quite some time.”  He moved to the center and got to work drawing a large circle and various symbols. “You see cupcake, I’m very old. Much older than you can probably imagine.  I’m under certain rules and obligation to get rid of evil things.  Especially when they get under my skin and make me itch.”  His eyes stared into mine and that damned smile of his was back.  “And he’s like the damn chicken pox.”

        I didn’t say anything more as I watched him finish up.  He wiped his hands on a rag which he tossed onto the table along with his supplies. He paced around the room for a bit, peaking out the window now and again.

        “What makes you think he’s going to know where I am? That’s he’s going to come for me?” My leg was bouncing, well what it could with my legs tied to the chair.  “I’m not much of a prize.”

        “You say that but that’s not what I see.”  He turned his attention to me.  “He doesn’t put up with many people and put up is a strong phrase.  Most of the humans he comes in contact with end up dead.”  He strolled over to me and leaned over so he could get in my face.  “And you two seem to have gotten rather close.” As he said that his eyes flicked over me and there was that smile that sent chills through my body.  “So that makes you pretty special, cupcake.”

       “We just had a lot in common.  That’s all.”  I tried to look away, but I could still feel his eyes staring into me.  If I could fidget more in my seat, I would have.  “At least I’d like to think we did.”

       “Well, you have some time to think about all those things in common cupcake.  It’s gonna take some time for him to find us since there were some dead-end roads on the way here that he’s gonna have to figure out for himself.  So kick back, relax.  Take a load off.”  Crowley had a jokester smile as he stood back up and grabbed a chair for himself at the table.  

       So I sat there, staring at the door.  Thoughts flooded my mind as I imagined Rufo trying to find me.  If he was. From the window I could see some clouds over the trees roll by and all I could think of was the storms these past few days.  How Rufo took it upon himself to comfort me, to distract me what ways he could.  The way he looked at me with those icy blue eyes. How he held me tight to his side as we watched rerun after rerun of Cops in some hotel in the middle of nowhere.  The way he looked at me during our few moments of passion followed by his lingering touches throughout the day.  Hell, how he even murdered someone to keep me safe.  It had honestly been one of the most enjoyable times in my life in so long.

       It was that moment when I decided that I would do anything for Rufo.  

[diningpageantry]

All That Matters

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15909690/chapters/40386200

Chapter 15/16 of Love You All, Die For This

Word Count: 2331

Summary: In hopes to connect Oliver to his somewhat estranged family, Baz invites Daphne and his siblings over for lunch.

Tag: @fight-surrender

BAZ

Napkins, tablecloth, place settings… where’s the glasses? Oh god, oh fuck, where are the placement glasses?

“Simon!” I call, rushing into the kitchen area as he’s taking out our lovely porcelain teapot. “Where’s our glasses?”

Blinking, he stares up at me for a second. “I… In the china cabinet. Why? Didn’t you put some out already?”

“I put out the wine glasses, not the water glasses,” I whine, rushing over to the cabinet and throwing it open, eyes searching urgently. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck…”

A warm hand rests against the bottom curve of my back, smoothing back the fabric of my quite uptight button down. It only takes a few seconds before I relax back, exhaling and focusing on the slow dragging of his palm. It’s grounding; resting all heavy and light at the same time. Comforting. It’s all I could have ever asked for in life.

“I’m sorry,” I exhale, eyes slowly falling shut. “It’s just… nerve wracking.”

“I know,” he whispers back as his fingers push up my spine, weaving between each dip. “It’s just your step mum and siblings. It isn’t like it’s the Prime Minister or something.”

My hand reaches for the glasses, starting to stack them in my hands. “They might as well be,” I mumble, shifting my weight before heading off into the dining room to set them up. With trembling hands, I settle them up nearly in line with the plates, trying to calm myself. It doesn’t quite work.

Simon stands in the doorway, shoulder leaned up against the frame as he smiles the saddest smile I’ve ever seen on him.

Each step he takes forward creaks against the newly done floorboards.

It’s such an odd housewarming; having your somewhat estranged family coming into your new house right off your old school’s campus to meet your somewhat newly adopted son is… a lot, to say the least. It’s a nice house now, and it’s quite pretty since it’s done up properly, but Crowley, is it driving me off the deep end.

“Baz, my love,” Simon coaxes, his hands reaching out and taking hold of mine, “just take a second away from all this. Remember what we used to do? Center in, focus, breathe.”

My eyes search his as I shakily inhale, gripping onto him as we keep each other’s gaze. With an encouraging smile and soothing rubs of his thumbs, Simon leads me in careful deep breaths.

“I love you,” I say after a minute or two. “I’m sorry. It just matters. A lot.”

“I know it does, love,” he interlocks our fingers, “but we’re in this together. We’ve faced an awful lot of shit, so how bad could this be?”

“A chimera worth.”

He laughs, which finally lets me exhale as I watch him smile. “Not quite a chimera worth.”

I try to open my mouth in protest, but he leans in and kisses me before I get to speak.

After pulling off, he grins and kisses my knuckles. “I need to finish lunch, if you ever want something to serve. Will you check on Ollie?”

My head nods before the rest of my body follows, lips pulling into a tight line as I swallow back my anxieties. I take a fast-footed walk to the playroom, knocking lightly before pushing it open. On the floor, laying out with a few books, sits Oliver. He scans over pages, flipping through after reading them quickly and moving on. There’s music playing from the small stereo; one of the classical playlists I’d put together (no son of mine won’t have class).

His head lifts up, smiling a little at me before waving me over. “Mummies,” he says softly, pointing at his book. “Mummies.”

Kneeling down, I ruffle his hair and smile. “You’re right, darling, they are mummies.” I lean in, whispering, “They used to use magick in mage's tombs to protect from robbers. There was a family seal in some caskets belonging to powerful families, like ours.”

There's a bright sparkle in his eyes as he grins up at me. “Can we see them?”

Something catches in my throat, choking me up and nearly bringing me to tears as I let myself smile. “Of course we can, little puff. We can absolutely see the family over there.” My head bows, kissing his hair. “But now, we have to get ready to see the family coming here, alright? Ready to see grandnan?”

He nods quickly and pops up onto his feet, taking hold of my hand and tugging me out of the room. “Daddy says nice clothes.”

My heart swells as I nod, pulling myself back up to my feet before following his lead to his bedroom, to where he points to his closet. Compliantly, I pick out a proper outfit and help him dress (although, he does most of it; stubborn five year old, this one). Once he’s awfully proud of how he looks, he gives me a confirmation nod before I pick him up and carry him to the dining room.

“There he is, the shining star,” Simon jokes, popping out of the kitchen. “Will you help me finish pulling the hand pies out of the oven, love.”

“I’ll do it!” Oliver volunteers, but Simon just rolls his eyes, hands him a biscuit, and sends him off (ever his father’s son, needing a food bribe to go away).

As I’m sliding the baking tray off the rack, I hear my husband’s voice beside me. “So when are we expecting the Grimm brigade?”

“Quarter to noon,” I say, carefully setting the hot tray down. “How long’ve we got?”

“Ten minutes.”

“Well, fuck,” I mumble, nose turning up as I try to exhale.

Simon drops his head against my shoulder and curls a hand around my bicep as his wings spread like a blanket on top of us. “You’re such a fucking downer,” he whispers teasingly. “Lighten up, angst god.”

“Fuck off, you idiotic twat,” I whisper endearingly back, closing my eyes as my head rests on top of his. He hums softly in contentment, hands finding mine and holding them securely as the ends of his curls tickle my face.

It isn't long before there’s a heavy, two hit knock at the door, causing me to peel myself back from the comforting embrace. Before I can say a word, Snow rocks onto the balls of his feet to give me a soft kiss of encouragement. The twinkle in his eyes and the spread of his smile makes me feel like I could own the world.

The door swings open to Daphne, Mordelia, the twins, and Benjamin, waiting with intrigue and welcome baskets. Immediately, Benjamin latches to my legs in a hug before saying a quick hello, which is followed by a chorus of them. I hug them each, waving them inside and politely taking the gifts.

“Oh this is awfully lovely,” Daphne says, an air of sophistication in her voice that I've heard myself distance from over the years. It’s somewhat grounding to hear, like life’s reminder that some things never change.

“We just moved in a month ago.” I take their light coats, hanging them in the side closet. “Since I don't start teaching until fall, we're just spending time getting settled through the rest of spring. If the children want, they can go see the goats later.”

“Is it clean--”

“As clean as can be,” I say softly, smiling.

Her head nods tightly, hands resting together in a delicate and poised fashion. “So long as it's safe.” Scanning the room, she seems to trail in thought before bringing it back. “Where's Oliver?”

“Most likely in the playroom; excuse me. Perhaps Simon will show you to the dining room..?”

As if on command, he pops into the room with a smile. “Follow me,” he nods, waving them off to the table. I find Oliver back to his books and lift him into my arms, pressing a kiss to his temple.

“There's other kids here, okay, my dear? They're nice.”

He glances around the room, peering over my shoulder as he speaks. “Grandnan?”

“Grandnan's in there too. Are you ready?”

He nods his head surely, pulling at the sleeves of his jumper before holding onto my shirt.

Walking down the hall and stepping into the room feels like a gamble. I don't doubt he'll be loved by her, but Crowley, what if not enough? He doesn't really have any biological grandparents who'll be here for him, and I'd rather not have him living so separated from any sort of family. Of course, he's met Dev and Niall before and loves Fiona, but that’s the only family he knows of. Simply put, he deserves a normal fucking life. Not that he'll ever get a Normal life, but a typical, full-familied life.

The moment we step in, my worries melt away. Daphne grins and offers out her arms to him, cooing motherly in greeting as she takes his hands and shakes them. Even through lunch, she insists on him sitting next to her. To her credit, she tries countlessly to make conversation, but, Ollie being Ollie, gives his typical word or few before going back to eating. She sends me a look or two of somewhat concern, but I shrug in response. I'd warned her of his Simon-like nonverbal tendencies, but I suppose she anticipated a little more communication anyway.

He does seem to warm up to her, though, in his own way. As Simon offers to show the group the goats, Oliver gives Daphne a hug before running off to the new barn.

She and I stay back, pouring each other in a brief silent exchange of glances. “So…” I begin.

“He’s quite quiet,” she says softly, cautious to not offend, “but he’s awfully sweet.”

With a loose smile, I nod my head and take a glance at his finished plate. “He's a brilliant listener, just not the best talker. He is a doll, though. Excited every time he gets something new, as if he didn't expect to ever get anything at all. Makes my chest tug a little.” Lifting the teacup to my lips, I hesitate to continue my thought. I do anyway. “I simply wished he could interact with more people. Simon and I don't have a lot of friends together, besides each other and Mitali Bunce's daughter, so it's hard to get Oliver used to new people when we barely have anyone we see ourselves.”

We're silent for a few beats, my attention locked to my porcelain cup as it tips towards my mouth and lowers back to the plate.

I find Daphne's eyes searching mine; studying my features in hopes to pull out an answer. “You know, your father doesn't hate who you are. He just… doesn't like who you married. He takes it out on class without thought to compassion.”

“He never quite put thought to compassion,” I bite, voice steadily quiet. Daphne just looks apologetic.

“He does sometimes, it's just difficult to find those moments.”

With pursed lips and a fearful gaze, I meet her eyes. “I don’t mean to hate him for how he is, I’m just upset with how he chooses not to change it.”

She gives me a motherly smile, reaching out to settle a hand on top of mine. “He's the product of his upbringing, and the upbringing before that, and the upbringing before that. Sometimes it’s hard to break what we train ourselves for, isn't that true?” Her fingertip runs along my wedding band. “Everyone has a crack in their mask. It’s just taking longer for his to chip away.”

I exhale, lowering my gaze down to the tablecloth and letting us sit in silence as I mull it over. I won't expect anything, of course, but it's somewhat comforting to know that someone's on my side. Our side; my family's side.

“Thank you for coming to lunch,” I say at last, letting her have a smile. “It means a lot for him to have this.”

“Of course,” she waves, “don’t be such a stranger, and we won't be either. Has Mordelia visited before today? I know classes are over in a week, but you're still so close...”

“No, but I know how classes go. She doesn't want to spend time with a five year old and two adults.”

Daphne wrinkles her nose to that. “I'll see if I can talk her into some afternoon teas. She is a young teen, after all.”

“That she is,” I smile, exhaling slowly before standing. “I'm going to tidy up, if you don't mind. Feel free to go out back and check on the kids.”

She does so, leaving me a short bit of time to think (and think, and think) about what was said.

They don't stay for too much longer, leading to everyone exchanging hugs. To my delight, it seems like Oliver gets along with Benjamin quite well.

Their departure is sweet, a waving send off before Oliver yawns and proclaims that his nap time is now. Simon graciously volunteers to put him off, joining me back in the living room once he’s done.

“So… what was the talk about?”

I settle back onto the couch, sinking into the fibers as I get myself relax. “My father. Oliver. Nothing much else.” His head falls to my shoulder, settling there as his hand drops to my thigh and traces shapes onto my skin.

“Not bad talking, right?”

“Not at all,” I murmur, turning my head to settle on his. ”I'm not entirely sure my father will ever truly come around, not that it really matters.”

Our palms settle together, light hitting my wedding band as his fingers thread through mine. He doesn’t push me to say anything, just settles his head against my shoulder and lets me finish my thoughts on my own time.

“We have Daphne, though. And Bunce, and Fiona. And he’s happy, so I think that’s all that does truly matter, after all.”

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

life story part 23

Going up to north Idaho that winter was one of the few things I really enjoyed. Somehow, I didn't get bored up there. My mom got me this old fashioned clickety click type writer and I would just sit around and write all day. It snows hard and constantly up there in the winters. The sights were lovely. After school on Fridays, and during winter break, I would endure the three and a half hour drive up there to be in my grandpa Roy's mountain cottage. I would write and draw, and I found some occult books that I started to read. I was especially fascinated with Aleister Crowley I remember. I didn't obviously have access to his books or anything, just his life story and some statements he made. I think, even though I am not all that big on the guy now, that he might have been a gateway for me to really actually begin questioning reality. I mean, naturally, I have always been very much in my own mind. I had questioned a lot about life before, but this was sort of different. I think it made me interested more so in the way the world works that lead me to be interested in consciousness, the human mind, things like that.

I also started studying Arthurian Legends. It was difficult to understand some of the stories that are in the original book of Arthurian Legends. I got through it though. I made this anime in my mind that revolved around king Arthur, and I was drawing that a lot. In school, we had to read The Outsiders and That Was Then This Is Now. I remember being pretty heartbroken about the later. A comic book shop had opened up in Moscow, and we all swarmed up there to get anime stuff, which we were all very excited about. When we got up there, my friends went towards things they knew they liked. Katie was in love with InuYasha I think. For some reason, I ended up in the vintage anime section, and I ended up buying this really strange comic called Mya the Psychic Girl. My friends thought that the anime was bad, and I grew to be embarrassed that I had picked this out at random, but on looking back, I actually think the art was really good. The story was -eh, but I am actually pleased that went for something a little different.

Going up north, I was removed from my own identity. There was always a fire in the fireplace, and as I would sit there and draw, the dogs, all three, Chester, Tasha and Pepsi would all gather around me to snuggle. There was endless amounts of food to eat in the freezer. I also found this stash of my grandpa Roy's pickled garlic – something he must have enjoyed in life because he had an entire shelf of it. I ate a lot of this. Roxanne also for some reason on one of her spending sprees would buy these enormous boxes of Valentine's day chocolates, and eggnog. This caused me gain a lot of weight. At my dad's as well, I was secretly buying cookie dough and tubs of frosting and eating them straight. I would end up hiding them under my bed when my dad came home, and if I didn't finish them, they would rot. I had to dispose of the waste and this strange pattern of eating horribly and feeling shame set in. I would never/ could never do this now not only because it is terrible, but it is also gross. I had not yet reached the total awareness that eating had any connection to weight gain. Around me, there was a lot of stuff going on that wasn't good. There would be twenty to thirty people who were driving up to find Roxanne to spend her money, and she was gullibly giving it all away, all 90,000 of it. Drugs were everywhere. The whole thing was a mess, and a temporary convenience that was sure to fall apart at any moment.

Roxanne and my mom found out that I was wearing five bras – one on top of the other because they were all training bras and were not in themselves adequate in the job they were supposed to be doing. So, Roxanne was nice enough, despite being high as a kite, to drive me all the way to Post Falls, and at the time I was blown away by the first Super Walmart I had ever been in. She bought me a bunch of stuff I really needed, make up, hair stuff, a hoodie to keep warm, bras and underwear. My dad didn't really get me that stuff even though he had the money to. Roxanne, even as high on meth as she was really helped me during this time. We would also drive around from gas station to gas station going to the sticker machines and she would give me absurd amounts of money to try and get me as many stickers as I could. We would drive around late at night, buying out the machines – which caused me to have a big collection of venting machine stickers that I don't have anymore but wish that I did.

The grandest and most memorable thing of this time for me, was going to the theaters and watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. We went with my grandma Marie, my sisters, my mom and a my younger siblings. I honestly at the time thought that it was absolutely the best movie I had ever seen. I was on the edge of my seat. I remember every single aspect of it seemed amazing to me and perfect in every way. Though, now on looking back, I mean, it's okay. I am no longer that into the movies, and to be honest, I am not super into Lord of the Rings. But I mean, back then, that movie coming out had this major impact on me. I remember leaving the theaters feeling better than I had ever felt. It even made Kyle seem kind of distant and lame.

The worst time I had though was one night, I was waiting with Allison, and my mom had left with David. They were supposed to be back in two hours. Five hours went by, and I started to panic. I tried calling her on her humongous cellphone but given that we were too far out in the woods, I could not really reach her. Something switched in my mind, and in my mind, I knew that my mom and David were dead. I began crying out in despair. Another five hours went by. I had been hyperventilating. I had this perfect understanding by that point that the two of them were dead. I began throwing up. I could barely breath. I can't remember most of it, only that I was certain they had died. My mind was very lucid, and I could have been convinced of nearly anything. When finally, my mom and little brother did show up around three or so in the morning, I was at a loss. They had just stayed at my uncle Rusty's a little longer than normal. I tried to explain to them how I had known they were dead, and it was just like 'eh, well we aren't.' This was not my first panic attack, but this was in a way one of the first times where I could definitely point out that I alone had a way of mentally overreacting to my own thoughts. I try to take this side of me into account when I am upset. I have to remember that if I let my mind spin out of control, I can distort my own reality and do some pretty extreme stuff.

As anyone would guess, this arrangement in my grandpa's place did not last. My oldest sister Maria was there at my grandpa's home initially, but due to the poor relationship she has with our mom, there was a big fight. They had both been aggravating one another in ways that were unnecessary to me, but it was my dear old mom was actually really the vicious one. My mom has always been abusive towards Maria. Since Maria had had that panic attack that year, she had this big scar on her head from where she slammed her head into that can of green beans. In this fight between them, my mom grabbed a can of green beans and told Maria to bash her brains out on this can, and to go ahead and kill herself and do everyone a favor. It was extremely cruel, just a twist of the knife that made me sick in it's tone and how she meant it, and I was sickened by her. She always seemed hungover and moody. And to see this exchange go down – I watched something behind Maria's eyes crumple, and my mom had this bloodlust in her eyes like she really would like to see Maria die. I cried out 'MOM, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?' but she ignored me. Maria packed up Jasmine and baby Ian and went to Florida shortly after with Earl, whom she hated.

Then, sometime after I stopped going up there as well, as much as I loved being snowed in. Roxanne and I were in the house. My dad was coming to pick me up to take me back down to Kendrick to spend some of my winter vacation with my Uncle Bob who had flown up to see everybody, potentially go to Red River Hot Springs, and go to some kind of Christmas party with Jodi's family. As I was waiting, Roxanne was getting drunk on hard liquor and taking pills. I didn't know this, and it seemed to come upon her suddenly. We were just talking and hanging out, and suddenly she started telling me I was pathetic. I got confused. She started saying that if I didn't invite Kyle to stay up here during the weekends, than I was worthless. I tried to explain that under the circumstance and how close I was to Kyle, that that was absolutely crazy and sure to get a strong rejection. She started then screaming at me saying I was a ugly little bitch. I got teary eyed, and then kind of realized fully that she was drunk and high. I had absolutely no idea why she even did this to herself. She seemed suddenly quite miserable. She ran into the bathroom and began puking. My ride came and I left and decided that I wasn't going to go up there anymore. The drugs were starting to make people mean. Roxanne remembers saying none of this to me.

Jodi's family's Christmas party was long and boring. It was just a bunch of adults I had never met. I wasn't cute enough for them to be of any interest. There was a gift exchange. I ended up getting gifts from this crazy great aunt of Jodi's who was in a nursing home somewhere whom I never once met. Everyone seemed to silently agree that her gifts were the worst. We all took turns opening the presents. This crazy aunt's gifts were not all that bad though – for me at least. She got me this porcelain doll with this really fucked up look on it's face, with eyes bulging out. It was actually pretty cool, and where on earth did she find this doll? The second thing I received was this jukebox alarm clock. I didn't like it at first, but after awhile, I began having this appreciation for the oldies more so because of it.

I ended up skipping going with my dad, Jodi, Jessie and Allison and David to Red River Hot Springs. I loved that place and it was of course enchanting and all that good stuff, but I wanted to be alone in the house more. I wanted to charge food at the store, and just sit around and read and be alone for a few days. I felt really awkward going anywhere with them. So I pretended that I had the stomach flu. They left without me and I watched them go. And then, inn a strange turn of events though, I ended up legitimately getting the stomach flu. So perhaps it was better I had not gone after all.

I got better and I got to be alone like I had wanted. I heard Kyle going sledding one night, and seeing that my room had this big prominent front window that looked down over the street, I wanted to spy on him, but I didn't want to be noticed. So I sort of ducked and watched him. This behavior seems so ridiculous to me now, and I cannot imagine doing this at all, or even wanting to. In the process of doing this, funniest thing happened. As I was looking down and spying on him as he and his friend were getting their sled ready, I ducked before they saw me, and I think his friend noticed and said something. They watched for awhile looking up at my window, and I tried nervously to not move at all.. But then, Pepsi came to the window, and she looked at them intently and began howling like a coyote. I tried to stop her, but she would not be dissuaded. She howled for ten minutes. I had no idea what had gotten into her.

I had asked for a lot of empty tape cassettes for Christmas. I was getting for some reason obsessed with the radio. I had noticed over the years that songs stopped being played on the popular radio stations as new hits kept coming in, and I never got to hear them again. I didn't have money to buy albums, if there was a way to easily access them on the internet I didn't know how to do that. I have always been an obsessive archivist. I like collecting objects, noting small details. I try to write everything down even if I never put it online. I want to own music on my computer that I don't even like. I have about 100,000 songs on my computer. I like connecting small occurrences with major events. I try to take note of small details – while often times missing big obvious ones. I try to spin this comprehensive web, and I try to organize everything. Which leads to me forgetting about everything around me.

So, I go these tapes to tape the radio, hours and hours alone. I decided that somehow I was going to collect every single song I heard. I went through tapes and tapes. Then my tape deck stopped working to record the radio, and I had to get an individual tape recorder and set it close to the radio, which created weird static faraway sounding versions of the originals. I was up most nights doing this. I would listen over the tapes, and the entire vibe of these songs gave me this cold chill. I also started feeling like there was more to music than what I had always listened to on the pop radio station. There had to be more than Shakira, Sum 41 and all that. I  eventually tuned into the AM stations, which I had never done before. And I got sucked in to these distant recordings that were probably being broadcast over 100 miles away.

This feeling in and of itself caused/ still causes my heart to get this imploding feeling. I found these Mexican radio stations that broke my brain. It sounded like a mariachi band playing from hell. The sound of scratchy faraway sad obscure tunes from the 50's. Some of them were even sixties songs. It felt like some distant memory of a party in sixties where someone overdosed and was forgotten. There was a radio station that played very old country, and occasionally Art Bell would be on. It felt like something was being dragged out of me and I have never been the same. It wasn't pleasant, but it was still good. Sometimes, I would listen to the static with some inaudible preacher ranting. I could not hear it all, but the feelings I got from it was eerie, and made me feel more alive. After doing this for a few months, I stopped listening to pop music. It was no longer good enough for me. It sounded hollow and plastic. The feelings that were generally conveyed were very cheap. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But it's like if you were only aware of the top layers of the ocean where everything is more or less understandable and safe. But things go much deeper, and most people aren't really aware of that.

I had also asked for a few CD's for Christmas. My friends were all really into Avril Lavigne, so I bought that album. I secretly hated it, and it made me feel kind of sick, but for some reason since my friends liked it, I was unable to contemplate not liking it myself. I did eventually give up listening to it though. And then I got this Los Ketchup album, which is this ridiculous girl group from Mexico that did this song that was popular for awhile called The Ketchup Song. I thought that song was just great when I was younger. And I actually listened that silly album a lot.

Jodi had convinced my dad to get Dish. So I started watching a lot of music videos whenever no one was home. Music was becoming my world. MTV by this time had just been taken over by reality television, which never appealed to me. So I spent more time on MTV2 and VH1 (which both eventually were also taken over by reality TV). I stopped going to school whenever possible so I could watch I Love the 80's, and music videos. I really was getting into the 80's music videos. I felt like there was this alternative world in the 80's that never changed. Spandex were always in, Bizarre Love Triangle was always playing. It had this surreal darkness around it. And I was very lost. It had just gotten to this point where I couldn't go to school. One day, I was ready to go and everything. I was even going to be on time. But then this rush of anxiety hit me and I passed out. I couldn't really keep doing this at all. My dad and Jodi were fighting by this time, so I was able to stay home without him noticing. He was never home when the school called. And before there was caller ID, you just used your senses to know who was calling. I always knew it was my school, or if it was a friend. You could just hear something between the rings. I think a lot of people know what I mean by that, but it's hard to explain exactly.

I started dressing differently, and putting my make up on differently than my friends. I dressed in black as much as I could. Somewhere, I had seen a picture of Robert Smith, probably on VH1 eighties hour. I didn't know who The Cure was, but I loved his make up and I wanted to emulate that style. I would usually walk to the school when it got out to greet my friends. I was there maybe half the time, and only because my dad would be home that day. Sarah once asked me why it was that I dressed all in black. I responded that it was the way I felt inside. Which, on retrospect is so cliché. I meant it though and had no idea that I was doing something that had been said and done before, and at the time that seemed really profound to my friends. I also loved watching The Breakfast Club. Today, I have problems with this movie because I don't like the way that the weird girl has to change her look to be acceptable to Emilio Estevez's character. It is actually quite a slap in the face to my kind. But I loved that movie, and would watch it every time it was on television.

My dad just didn't know what to do with me. He decided that he would have Jodi take me to get a makeover at the mall. I think he was hoping to get me more into being into normal 'woman things'. Nobody understood why I taped hours of the radio or had drastically changed my attire, or reading books on horoscopes and the occult. I think a lot of people have thought it was some kind of a faze, but it wasn't really. I mean, I have changed my look over time for sure, limiting some things and expanding others, but overall, this change was honestly one of the first things I had done that set me apart from everyone else and felt more true to myself. The same with the music I was listening to and everything else. For years I had been trying desperately to fit into a certain image, with this dull unsaid promise that everything would be okay, if I could only be like everyone else. But embracing what I liked, I think actually made me a lot healthier. Sure, I was a terrible student. But I started crying less and less because Kyle didn't like me.

The make over was lame. The girl who did my make up was really subtly rude to me. She seemed uncomfortable with touching my face because of my zits, even though my face had been cleaned. She told me I had ugly eyebrows and eyelashes. My eyelashes are really small and light colored, despite having very course dark hair. I think it's because I am part Swedish. They put such light colors on me that it didn't really make me look that different. Everyone was expecting that I would look like a new person when I got home. I could see the disappointment on their faces. I actually did my make up better on my own. The black stuff looked better.

My dad also tried to get me glasses. I feel badly about this, since it was a waste of his money. By this time, I was absolutely blind as a bat, probably genetic since neither of my parents can see well, but maybe due in part to all the times I had pressed my eyes as hard as I could to watch the colors, lights and images that my brain produced. Or maybe all the times I had stared into the sun just a little too long. I went to the eye doctor, and against my wishes, I picked out some glasses. They were very expensive. I thought glasses on women were ugly at the time, perhaps my own internalized sexism against myself at work. So once I had gotten these glasses, I intentionally broke them one day so I would never have to wear them. I didn't want people thinking I was ugly. And looking back, I do feel bad.

There was a winter dance that January. I ended up going. It was the first dance I had ever been to. I was really nervous. Mostly, I stood off to the side. My friends had started hanging out with this girl named Ava. Ava had been popular, but she was a lot different than the other girls, so she had decided to jump the group and moved on over to my group which seemed like a lot more fun. She was really outgoing and forward. I hadn't really talked to her much yet but she had found out that I liked Kyle and she was bold and kind of did her own thing so she intended on asking if guys would dance with all of us, including, and maybe especially me. She did not understand my hesitation at all. We were entirely different in that way, and she didn't understand the lengths I took or how I overthought things. She was going to go straight over to Kyle and ask him on my behalf without my permission. She told me she was going to ask him whether I liked it or not. I was shocked. I begged her not to. So, exasperated, she  instead asked Andrew (boy who spit gum on my seat the previous year) if he would dance with me. He said yes. I have no idea if I danced correctly. I do remember that I was actually really happy. It wasn't bad at all. I didn't like Andrew like that, but it was actually really nice to just dance with boys. It gave me this tingling feeling in my head – which didn't last because I didn't have any real feelings for them.

Eventually I did dance with Kyle. I could not believe he had said yes. I really admired Ava for having demonstrated to me that I could do things like that. I don't even remember the actual dance. I was so overwhelmed and happy, but it seemed to go well (I mean, this was a lame small town junior high dance, so if you take that into consideration). I remember the song we danced to was some slow Usher song. My friends all danced with other guys. I was so excited that after dancing with Kyle, I went straight into the girls' bathroom and slid down the wall. In order to prevent myself from smelling like sweat, I had soaked my arm pits with perfume. The perfume was burning my skin terribly. Despite this, I could not feel any of the painful rash. I was shaking. Suddenly, a bunch of popular girls went into

the bathroom and surrounded me. They started asking me if I had a crush on Kyle. They said they could just tell. I denied it meekly, re situating my appearance of being on the floor to make it seem more casual and less like someone who was so happy they could not walk. They kind of tried to let me know that he was Kayla's, and to leave him alone. I acted like I didn't care.

PART 22 -  http://tinyurl.com/yat6cfnw

PART 21 -  http://tinyurl.com/y783egno

PART 20 - http://tinyurl.com/y8jskymt

PART 19 - http://tinyurl.com/rfhbms8

PART 18 - http://tinyurl.com/ycrznrwk

PART 17 - http://tinyurl.com/y77unlng

PART 16 - http://tinyurl.com/yadpsv8c

PART 15 - http://tinyurl.com/yb3lt6k5

PART 14 - http://tinyurl.com/yb4cfedq

PART 13 - http://tinyurl.com/yalanq9s

PART 12 - http://tinyurl.com/yc79mw94

PART 11 - http://tinyurl.com/yc9qhj84

PART 10 - http://tinyurl.com/yb734w24

PART 9 - http://tinyurl.com/yc2t6vfw  

PART 8 - http://tinyurl.com/ybl37utq

PART 7 - http://tinyurl.com/ybvo283g

PART 6 - http://tinyurl.com/kbc9dwu

PART 5 - http://tinyurl.com/msnz4am

PART 4 - http://tinyurl.com/k9x8esg

PART 3 - http://tinyurl.com/mwp9atx

PART 2 - http://tinyurl.com/lbt6xq2

PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8