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closetedbreakdown · 4 years ago

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Coping Mechanism

I remember the time where I find joy in everyday life. I remember the time where I rode a bike along with my friends on a rainy day. Without care, we would race around the subdivision even if we know that if we were fast, we would have an accident. I remember the time where I had these crazy plans and dreams for myself. Looking at it now, if those dreams were real, I would end up dying from exhaustion because of how many jobs I fitted in my “life plan.”

Looking back at who I was, I thought I was ridiculous. Yet, I was jealous of how passionate and I was. It was then on my 4th grade or maybe on the 3rd grade that I became “aware” of things. I do not know if there is a specific word out there for it, but, I’ll describe it for you. I became more self-conscious on what I say, I became more conscious of what is happening around AND to me.

I then frequently remember the time where I suddenly lose interest in life. And when I don’t feel like doing anything, I would then think about my past. Even though I am aware that I am destroying myself, I can’t help but to look back at my past and think about where it all went wrong.

The older I get, the more I hate myself. But luckily, there are moments in each day that are considered as happy or good. I think that is the one which cheers me on in living. It makes me curious if whether my next day would be bad or barely bad.

My life became terrible to the point that whatever happens, it will haunt me forever.

The first few words that I uttered on my birthday, exactly at 12 in the morning were, “You’re already 16. You’re still miserable.” And instead of crying myself to sleep, I stayed up until morning. An hour before the clock strike 12, I wrote a will while crying. Writing a will is a “favorite” hobby of mine- it can also be called my “coping mechanism.” I do not know when it started, but, I developed this weird thing just to regulate my emotions. It may be looked like it was really a dark thing, but I think of it like a note to see if there is a change on myself.

#whereismywilltolive #coping mechanism #damn.

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whydoiwritethesestories-blog · 8 years ago

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PHILIP HAMILTON X FEM!READER (modern AU)

Romantic

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(trigger warnings; angst, swearing, kissing, flirts)

Prompt: “Where were you when I needed you?”

Writers: @whydoiwritethesestories & @wheredidiputmywilltolive

I opened my eyes, and stared at my ceiling. It took me a minute, but I remembered immediately what day it was. The worst day of my life. It was the four year anniversary of the day Phillip Hamilton moved away without a word. At first I was upset about it. My best friend abandoning me. Now I was just angry. He left halfway through our first year in high school, and now, I was going to graduate without him. The anger had subsided slightly, but there was no denying I was pissed. I pulled out my phone, and opened twitter, trying to forget about what day it was. At about 10:30 my mom walked in, “(y/n), I want you out of the house for 12. We’re having an open house.” I sighed and got up, “Okay.” I walked towards the ensuite and got ready.

---

I checked my phone, 11:45, might as well get a head start. My room was clean for once, because for some reason most buyers don’t like messy rooms. Strange. I walked out of my house and headed to the nearest park, which just happened to be Central Park. I had my coffee with me, and was walking along when all of a sudden, WHAM. How fucking cheesy, I walk right into someone, a guy, nonetheless. “Sorry..” I mutter, starting to walk away. “Wait!” I stop, but don't turn around, “What?”

“It's not every day you see an angel.”

I roll my eyes, what a fuckboy. I begin to walk away, but he grabs my hand. I turn around and pull my hand away, face to face with Philllip Hamilton. “What the fuck?” His mouth fell into a perfect o. “Listen, (y/n) I can explain!”

“No, Phillip.” I saw him cringe at my tone, “(y/n) I--”

“Fuck off! Don't ever contact me again! I can't believe you. You--You pessimistic fuckboy!” I turn and run.

-----

Phillip’s POV:

“I don't know why she was so mad..”

“Well, I mean you did kind of not tell her we were moving away.”

“I just didn’t think it’d be such a big deal.”

“That’s women for you, Philly.”

I groaned into my pillow. “But she isn’t… nevermind!” My father raised an eyebrow, “She isn’t a woman?” I quickly threw my pillow at him. “No! That’s not what I meant! I meant that I know tons of girls, but she always manages to surprise me.” Dad smirked slightly, “Philly, is there any chance you have a..crush on (y/n)?” I immediately replied, “Of course I do! I mean who wouldn’t?! She’s amazing…” He chuckled lightly, “That’s blunt.” I frowned lightly ignoring his comment. “Do you know how awful I felt when we had to leave, that’s why I didn’t say anything to her. I thought it would be easier if I didn’t tell her.. I guess that was a really dumb thing to do huh?” He nodded, “Very, very, very, ve-” I interrupted him, “Okay! I get it.. Geez.” Dad laughed again, before his phone went off, he checked it and cursed, “That’s work, Philly. I’m really sorry. Ask your mom?” before I could say anything he ran off. “Damnit!” I yelled, because I knew mom wouldn’t help me either. Sighing I went to grab my jacket, and ran out the door.

After about fifteen minutes of running I made it to (y/n)’s house. I checked the time, 5:46, and put my phone back in my pocket. Taking a deep breath I knocked on the door.

The door opened, and there stood (y/n). She was in a (f/c) t-shirt and pajama shorts. She looked at me for about 5 seconds before slamming the door. I heard the door lock and footsteps pad away from the door, presumably back to her room. Running around to the other side of the house and jumping a fence I stood under (y/n)’s window. “Damn.. Why am I so much like my father..” I muttered under my breath as I reached down for a rock. Aiming, I carefully threw it at her window. I could literally feel her eyes roll as the window slid open, “Could you get any more fucking cliche? I don’t want to talk to you.” I smirked, “Then why did you open the window, Princess?” She blushed lightly at the pet name, running a hand through her hair. “I don’t want you to break the fucking window.” I rolled my eyes, “I wouldn’t have broken it. Much..” I laughed slightly and then began the speech I prepared in my head. “Look (y/n), I know I hurt you by not te-” She almost closed the window, “Hurt me? You fucking ripped my heart into pieces and then stomped on them. You think an apology is going to work?” She fumed. She was cute when she was angry..BAD TIME, PHILLIP. “Honestly..? I didn’t think you would even open the window.. I know the apology won’t make you forgive me, I just needed to tell you that I regret it. That was such an asshole move, and I’m sorry.” (y/n) shook her head, “I regret falling in love with you.” she spoke, before she could slam the window, I yelled, “I regret not telling you that I fell in love with you!” she looked me dead in the eyes, tears filled hers. “You should..” I looked at her and smiled slightly, “(y/n) (l/n) I am in love with you, and I have been for a very long time.” She smiled too, “Philly?”

“Yes..?”

“I love you too.”

“Can I come inside now..? It’s really cold out here.”

“It’s 80º.”

“I know.” I said with a smirk. She rolled her eyes and closed the window. “Hey!” I yelled as I ran to the front door, climbing over the fence once again. The door was open and (y/n) was laughing, “What took so long?”

“Your damn fence is what!” I said with a winded laugh. She returned the laugh, pulling me into a hug, “I missed you.” I pulled back slightly and responded, “Me too, but do you know what I missed more?”

“What?”

“This.” I said as I leaned in and pecked her on the lips, a bright smile on my face afterwards. She turned bright red, tucking her hair behind her hair; a nervous habit. “I-I don’t actually believe we’ve done that before..” I shrugged, “I needed a transition okay?” She laughed, “I wouldn’t mind if it became a thing though..” I laughed slightly, “Well that depends.. Is your mom home?”

#phillip hamilton x reader #shitty writing #whereismywilltolive #hamilton

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