#where’s that post like ‘don’t ask self taught artists SHIT they don’t know how they did that either’

[codgod]

ok im silly and obsessed with your art so i wanted to ask you about it!

i really love your shading on art, the layering and different colors is very well done! do you have any feedback on how to do rendering and shading? cause i know nothing about it

im also curious about your anatomy, its accurate but also very unique between characters! do you mind doodling like... how your format it? u know what i mean???

NEXT I WANT TO ASK! ABOUT YOUR OUTFIT IDEAS!! where do you get your inspiration for those beautiful fucking designs?

on the drawing you made of shrimp mariana being held by charlie, im curious about how you did the filtering to make it like. fuzzy but still clear???

last but not least, what application do you use for drawing, and which pens do you use?

sorry for all the questions but your art is a very big inspiration for me and i want to be as talented as u ^^💦

this got really fucking long and i don’t even know if it’s particularly helpful but LETS GO

—

OKAY SO. shading, thing i am apparently accidentally really good at. it’s probably the thing i’ve gotten compliments on the most over the years which is funny because it’s probably the thing i’m Least confident that i can do well. therefore i can’t really give a tutorial but i can give a bunch of disjointed notes

(shown above is my Default Shading, further examples of different lighting below)

everything else under the cut or this is gonna be a mile long

i like using blue for shading, yellow/orange for lighting but generally you can just make them opposite/complimentary colours to each other and that’ll work. cool shadows, warm light or warm shadows, cool light. you get it. that’s a general rule there’s probably exceptions. i will say i hate using purple for shadows but that’s a personal preference (as is every colour i use being so saturated lol)

the orange around the edges is supposed to be subsurface scattering on skin but i put it on all the edges because i like how it looks 👍

yes there’s two different bounce lights. idk why i do this. i also just think it looks nice. i guess the one on the shading layer is more for form and the one on the lighting layer is more for the yk. lighting? anyways the first one is just a lighter version of the shading colour the second one is darker and slightly hue shifted (depending on the lighting scenario — it can be brighter if the situation calls for it)

the reason i don’t just shade around the edges is because it can make things look very flat which is the opposite of what you want when shading. sometimes it can just go on the edges in some specific scenarios but i like my shadows Chunky. basically having it go over the form instead of just along it can help show that form more

top left - night time | top right - bisexual? | bottom left - spotlight i guess? | bottom right - default/daylight again, just wanted to show a shape example

something i’ll also do a lot is have a separate multiply layer that’s just one colour and i’ll throw that over the whole thing to get the base colours correct for the lighting scenario. some people do it by eye but i am lazy so i cheat 👍 often it’ll be the same as the more detailed shadow colour but as with the top right example sometimes it’s different

shadows are either on multiply or linear burn, lights are either on add (glow) or glow dodge. depends on what looks best. same with opacity, i don’t have any real rules there

i also LOVE harsh lighting but that’s just a me thing. UMMM i can’t think of anything else to say

—

so next is ANATOMY okay this is also something i’m not super confident with lol but i can give some more disjointed notes by just redlining my own sketches lol

the uuuh “bottom of boobs is 2/3 down the ribs” isn’t technically correct? if ur drawing someone with big boobs and no bra on they’re probably gonna go lower but that’s kinda. where they come out from i guess. i also don’t think the “ribs” i draw are technically accurate but it works for a reference point

arms are a diamond (the shoulder.. muscle.. thing… idk what it’s called) and then some Tapered Tubes idk they’re not super complicated. if you wanna get more into it go google buff people and trace/redline their arms that’s how i learnt orz and uuuh i kinda also have the taking up 2/3 of the ribs but a bit Above. the way i’ve worded that makes no goddamn sense i’m bad at explaining this

ANYWAYS yeah bodies are just shapes if you want ppl to look unique just squash or stretch out the shapes 👍 and also learn actual anatomy stuff that always helps. my final message: learn to draw fat people it is no more difficult than drawing thin people

—

OUTFITS i love outfits. i have a pinterest board where a lot of my inspo comes from and it’s a section within a bigger board so ig i’m just giving you my whole inspo board. here (it’s the one called character fashion) (i do not condone art being reposted on pinterest without artists permission just ignore how much i have saved)

pinterest in general is good for outfit design stuff as long as you know where/how to look. u could also try fashion blogs and stuff

ummm a lot of stuff does just come from my own head tho, like based on clothes i like or vaguely inspired by stuff i’ve seen before. if you look through the board you can also see that like i rarely ever copy stuff directly i kinda just use whatever stuff i find as a base to work from. just find stuff you like and go from there i guess, i sometimes like picking a specific subculture or fashion style for a character and seeing what i can make from that (like missa is emo/scene, slime is like some kinda ravecore thing?? idk)

—

OKAY i’m assuming you mean like the glowy effect? makes everything look Soft?

(idk if u can even see the difference here orz also ignore how many fuckin layers i use i’m a mess) (the top layer is that catboy missa doodle i did ignore that too)

this is something i do on Most drawings to the point i have an auto action set up for it. duplicate the entire drawing (on csp the easiest way is to just merge visible to new layer), gaussian blur to like ? idk i think it’s 40% or something? i don’t remember, set that layer to soft light and lower the opacity

if that’s NOT what you meant feel free to send a follow up question LOL

OH actually if u mean the colour jitter stuff on the . colours. that’s not a filter i was just using a brush with slight hue jitter on i was Experimenting

—

AND FINALLY i use clip studio paint on my ipad and most of the brushes i use on the reg can be found here

favourites are the ones i made (i actually have more of those i need to upload—) and the raz sketch ones 👍 namely raz sketch (thick) with the density turned up a bit from the default, been using that a lot for lineart

[glitchyk]

GlitchyK fun fact of the day

Aside from Discord, tumblr is really the first social media app I’ve had, and, well, that was of my own choice. I was scared to interact with people, I’m someone who’s overly paranoid. It’s hard to think of how just months ago… I wouldn’t have met any of you guys.

I came on here just because i… just, randomly, honestly. I first only joined to like SM-baby’s stuff, since I had stumbled upon their AU, than eventually tumblr as a whole. I started posting my silly little ideas and.. you people like them. It’s so interesting to think that for all these years I could’ve been on here and actually met you all sooner, I sorta wish I had, because sometimes I get nervous, especially with my mutuals. I feel like I’m just the misfit of the group, like the big dogs picked me up out of somewhat pitty, so sometimes I wish I had come earlier, both so that I’d feel less out of place, and so that I could encourage them more.

I didn’t realize that people don’t encourage the people they look up to online… I didn’t know that. My first instinct when I saw something cool, was to tell that person how cool I thought it was, since as someone who gets bored and writes, draws, and more, I’ve never really had support… at least, from people that I don’t know personally. Sometimes it feels like a “oh you’re just saying that since you know me…” so I guess part of me knows that getting a compliment from a stranger, can just make you feel great. There’s no bias, at least in these cases, and it’s not like only certain people can ask things.

I’ll admit, seeing all my cool tumblr friends be so good at art, storytelling, just interacting in general, having great personalities— sometimes it makes me feel a bit down, maybe a bit envious, but mostly proud. Sometimes it encourages me, other times it makes me feel oh so low, but that doesn’t have to do with them being good or bad, that’s how I view it at the moment. Anyways, sometimes I do feel down, seeing such great art, good stories, things that I feel like I could never do, but it just makes me feel more proud of them.

I know my art isn’t the best, hell, it’s shit, if I’m going to be honest. I’m self taught, and I have so many artists in my family, that as a kid, I would be told my stuff looks good, yet a sibling nine years older than me would have some amazing artwork, and that’s all I could compare myself to, so perhaps that’s part of the issue, but being here has made me feel a bit less like I suck. I just expected a few people to end up following my content… not like, 30 people.

Anyhow… I’m just great full, for all the friends, acquaintances, and anons I’ve met here. I honestly am not good with emotion, but when I think of tumblr, I just think of all my friends. The ones I can’t wait to blurb random ideas to, ones that I wish I could talk to more directly, but I’m too scared for that, hah, sure there are a few that are some bigger inspirations than others, but all of them matter. They’re all similar to me in some way, I guess. I’m not going to tag anyone here, since my usual negative outlook makes me feel like I’m just going to bother them, but—

For those of you reading this

You know who you are

You all inspire me, and make every day feel better. Every boring, negative, grueling day. And I’m happy I could even have a small affect on any of your lives

It’s not like my life was terrible before, it wasn’t that bad, but this, just makes it feel more bearable.

I’m happy to have met every single one of you. And I mean it.

I won’t say anyone specifically, since there’s so many people that come to mind, and I really don’t want to bother them. Have a good day, night, afternoon, or whatever time it is for you where you are.

[nightswithkookmin]

Hii, me again. 😅

Jungkook made a three syllable poem with "min yoongi" name. At the last name of "Gi" He made yoonmin. Is he try to expose that yoonmin is a thing/ or real??

Ahjumma.... why are you being like this?

What did I do to deserve this ghettory?😟 It's too early in the year to be this ghetto uno.

Don't be like that😒

You are asking me, Goldy- GOLDY of all shippers, if I think JEON JUNGKOOK is confirming his boyfriend of seven years and counting is in a relationship with another member within the same group...

Doing what exactly in that relationship??

Is JK cockholding? What's going on.

KWENCHANAYO?!

You think BTS will survive two members dating the same guy in the same group???

Never mind that it's Jeon Jungkook and Park freaking Jimin- Mr I'm greedy and Mr I don't share my friends.

Like make it make sense to me please😭

After everything we've been said on my blogs for months now, you still asking me this??

You are bold, I'll give you that.

Now tell me slowly and in coherent words why I shouldn't pull your hair and give you three quick punches to your throat- ninja style👀

Someone get her before I snap their neck💀

For the last time-

NEITHER 🤺OF🤺JIKOOK🤺 IS 🤺 WAS🤺 HAS🤺 HAD🤺 PURPORTS TO HAVE🤺 WOULD HAVE HAD🤺 COULD HAD HAD🤺 HAD HAD HAD🤺IS HAVING 🤺 ANY 🤺ROMANTIC🤺 FEELINGS🤺WHATSOEVER 🤺 DESIRE🤺CRAVING🤺 WET DREAMS🤺 YEARNING🤺 PASSION🤺ATTRACTION🤺 AMOROUS 🤺INTENT🤺TOWARDS🤺 ANY🤺🤺MEMBER🤺 IN🤺 BTS🤺BESIDES🤺 EACH🤺 OTHER🤺

GET🤺 OUT 🤺OF🤺 YOUR🤺 IMAGINATION🤺

If you are new to the shipping community I suggest you familiarize yourself with every ships dynamics or at least Jikooks- if multishipping isn't exactly your thing.

Jikook's entire dynamics is founded on JK teasing JM to death. It's their thing.

He's said he enjoys teasing Jimin because he loves Jimin's reaction to when he's being teased. In fact, the entire group have said same about Jimin.

Did you see JM's reaction to when JK called out the Yoonmin comment in the dynamite reaction VLive?

Did you see RMs reaction too?

He is trying Jimin with these Yoonmin jokes. He's gonna get stabbed. Lmho.

Jimin reacts strongly to when JK in particular teases him with ships, Yoonmin more recently. Yet he didn't seem to mind when V did it.

V used to be the biggest Yoonminer on the planet rooting for and encouraging certain interactions between Yoonmin. Lmho.

Jimin himself perpetuates Yoonmin as a ship.

It would be an insult on his intelligence for anyone to assume he didn't know exactly why people ship two people together or what interactions and moments is considered a moment in shipping sphere.

Statements like, why can't Suga hyung look me in the eye, why does he say I'm irreplaceable to him, insinuates something and he knows this.

Once upon a time, JK couldn't look you in the eyes too. Still can't sometimes.

Jimin has a presence and he has a hold on these men and he knows it.

He goes out of his way to create the impression he and Suga have a very close bond and dynamic- I'm sold on it. Lol.

'5 Jms? As expected. You'll fall in love with them' not sure if JM said the last bit in the BE.TS Vlive, yall check for me.

It's crazy then that he turns around to react the way he does when JK teases him with his ship with Suga.

It seems to me, Jimin knows the intent and energy behind such seemingly harmless jokes- JK can be petty and passive aggressive with these things. You'd think he is joking but deep down he would be pouting and throwing tantrums behind cams🤧

It's Jimin apologizing and looking like his spirit left his body as he sat on the edge of JK's bed in the new Jersey VLive for me.

He needs to free Jimin.

Talk of things I'm getting too old for- Let's talk about why he posted his version of the bridge in disease online🤧

Not to say he shouldn't have posted it. I support that he did wholeheartedly. Deadass found his groove since he started unbuttoning the front of his shirts in 2020.

He's reclaiming the spotlight, putting himself at the forefront unlike before where he'd resigned himself to a supportive role watching his hyungs be at the center of things.

Now he's been talking about that he wants have sexy dance performances like Jimin, write rap melodies for RM, share his own music, try on a solo career one day- we get it. You found yourself Mr I'm independent asserting myself yall better fuxk off but chilee not at the expense of Jimin! 🤺

I mean it's a broad spotlight and they both can share it but damn is someone changing drastically. Not sure if I should be proud or terrified.

It's great and amazing and I'm really truly happy with where he's at mentally and physically since 2020- it's a great sign, don't get me wrong. Significant improvement. His becoming is long over due but he didn't have to grab the spotlight from Jimin like that.

Jk vs JM isn't something I'm a fan of.

It's a shame it didn't work out? What do you mean JK. I'm sorry but Jimin's version is amazing too!😟

What the actual hell JK😭

Back it up. This is not how to Jikook🤺

On guard sir🤺 on guard🤺

Dude did Jimin dirty🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧

I need a refund😭😭😭😭

Here I was waiting for y'all to get on your Jikook agenda and post that first Jikook selca of the year and you are there shipping Jimin with your bandmate and thiefing his shine. Who taught you that?!😥

Y'all are competitive but y'all don't compete with eachother's shine! JIKOOK 101😭😭😭

You share it😥

Show me where in the books this new development falls under. Show me

You winging it and it's unconstitutional😟

I rebuke it in Jesus name!

Someone beam me up.

You got these 13 year olds coming in my DMs telling me you are not supportive of your man's career.

I don't have time for this shit.

SOMEONE BEAM ME UP! Kirk!

If you've watched their Be behind video, and you've seen Jin talk about how RM complained to him when Tae chose Suga's version over his version you'd know where JK is coming from or where I think he is coming from having JMs version chosen over his.

Watch their Be self interview on yt too.

He said there's a melody he worked on for RM and when Jhope thought he got snubbed he recommended he release it instead- to quench his artistic drive perhaps.

That is why he released this song. He did it for himself. Like he said, he won't put out a song unless he was confident about it.

Suga have said time and again how the music and melodies they create never go to waste because they can repurpose it like he did with Telepathy I think.

Even JK explained he was reserving the melody he made for RM for a future group song.

He could have repurposed this or something.

When Jin talked about V vs JM's Christmas song and kept repeating how much he preferred Jimin's song to Tae's because Jimin"s was bright and upbeat, he made sure to clarify he wasn't implying Tae's song was bad. He was just indicating preference.

I won't lie, I was happy he preferred my bias's song but it made my VMin heart ache a little.

V and JM made very different songs, they shouldn't be compared to eachother in that way.

I don't like competitions. And I don't like when two artists are pit against eachother- which is exactly what these two versions of the bridge is doing out here.

I will literally die if in an interview JM is asked about his part and JK isn't. I can't do this😭

Those saying JM's is better make me sick, and those saying JK's is better make me nauseous. They both great. Point blank purr.

What's even more heartbreaking is hearing how excited he really was to share that bit with Army. Dude's eyes was glistening and everything. His bunny smile! 😥

Thats what makes this very hard for me.

The JJK in me is overjoyed and excited that he is doing things that make him really happy. I'm proud of him.

But the PJM in me just😕

I even feel more guilty that I prefer JM's version this time around😭😭😭😭

I feel like I'm betraying JK🤧

I was so happy seeing JM recieve all the love and attention I know he deserves.

Then here comes his boyfriend

'Hold up what about me!' Lol.

Imagine if RM releases the version of Blue and grey he made for Tae and it turns out we prefer that to the version Tae chose💀

Imagine that.

This has been a recurring theme throughout late 2020 to date. Jk's been choosing authenticity and self interests and passions over anything else and I couldn't be more happy for him.

Like we discussed, he's been learning to compromise too lately, which is great.

But honey this is a red flag. Deadass.

To me anyways😏

I've been a strong advocate for a certain level of independence and detachment in Jikook's dynamics because they lowkey exhibited codependency tendencies in their dynamics which is great for us shippers but not so great in the long run for their relationship or them as individuals .

Maybe I'm thinking out loud and prematurely here. I mean we are only beginning to have intimate access to their raw unscripted selves.

I don't think it's not that much of a big deal. RM and JM have equally shared their own versions of fake love on the internet but it is an interesting development in their dynamic to me.

I remember how happy JM was about his version of fake love, and it remains to date one of my favorite beats even though he was just spewing nonsense on that track. Lol.

He was so excited when he shared it with JK and Jin. He said when he showed it to JK the first time, JK said he loved it very much- how loving and supportive is that!

More of this please. Thank you.

PMS is a bitch y'all🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Has me in my feels about this.

I'm pretty sure JM is the one that even encouraged him to share his part in the first place. Won't put it past him.

'Ya Jungkook, release your version too'

'Army will love it'

'Right but I don't want it to seem like- Goldy is crazy you know'

'Goldy who now?'

'What about the thirteen year old fans-'

'Aht aht aht Who cares about them.'

Lmho.

I mentioned a few times on here how I felt JM seemed to have been demanding 'space' and a little bit of breathing room in their dynamic which was causing a little bit of tension here and there middle 2019 through to March last year and it all sounds like drama and speculation but...

May be if I told y'all I am a witch and my analysis of their relationship is based on mediums, phantom whisperers, empathetic readings or tarot cards y'all will leave me alone?🤥

Y'all don't seem to have a problem with the witches and empaths who be doing the same shit I do out here😒

Like we are all 'reading' these mens!

There's nothing wrong with 'psychoanalytically' evaluating a ship you know? Chilee.

Imma call myself a witch if it will get y'all off my back😹😹😹😹

I mentioned JK equally embarking on his own journey to assert himself within the group and within the relationship due to this?

But damn I did not see this one coming.

This is a red flag for me. And no, it doesn't mean they are broken up or having issues in their relationship.

Jk's TMI indicates they still been spending a lot of time together.

This is just a sign there's too much independence in their dynamic now- if you know what I mean.

Relationships flourish based on how attached we are to people- too much attachment is a problem, too little attachment is equally bad.

Jikook have always had a problem with over attachment in their dynamics in my opinion, to the point it was lowkey unhealthy- the jealousy, not being able to 'act professionally' within a group and work environment, having problems with being separated however briefly, constantly wanting to be where the other is etc.

Less attachment isnt necessarily a bad thing either. It means less of all the 'toxic' aspects of their relationship that over attachment brings but too much of that too can trigger anxiousness and insecurity and resentment.

Especially if one of them hates change. Cough Jimin.

With that comes all the wild aspects of love such as possessiveness, jealousy and I know JM doesn't do too well in that department...

In my opinion, I see JM as having a problem when JK breathes down his neck emotionally speaking, and at the same time he has a problem when he is too emotionally distant.

All this is interesting to me.

Who do I need to talk to to give me more of Jikook interactions individually or jointly?

I want to see more of their interactions beyond the overly staged, dramatized fanservice and official content.

Spending a lot of time around eachother and eating each other's ramen- pun intended, does not reflect on how intimate you are.

Intimacy requires depth and depth requires attachment.

How you treat eachother's needs and goals, dreams and desires is equally indicative of the intimacy in your relationship.

That has always been one distinctive quality of Jikook's ship.

And so I wonder the thought process that went into this decision. I know JM wouldn't object to JK sharing things like these or doing things that make him happy even if it has the potential to impact his own shine in any way.

Jikook don't compete against eachother.

I keep saying this.

Remember when I said I found it sus that JK was lying there staring at JM with his hands in between his legs?

Did yall see what the run editors said when JM and JK went up against each in the pool?

'Jikook don't play by the rules'

Jimin had to push JK in the water to end whatever ancient sex ritual foreplay rooted in kamasutra they had going on. Bless him.

And in so doing, he lost to JK.

Whenever they go up against eachother, one of them intentionally lose even though they are both very competitive.

Isn't that why JK said he'd rather 5 Jms so he can watch them compete against eachother?

When JK first made that post, I felt it was out of pettiness or a move to 'humble' JM.

I thought of when he'd posted that photo of himself with a hickey after JM had 'dated' him during the JinMinKook live.

I rolled my eyes and asked, 'what yall gays up to this time?' Why you out here humbling your man?

Anywho chilee we will never know.

At ease.

Signed,

GOLDY

[writeraquamarinara]

as with everything else in life, I’m late to making this post. I tend to make one around Jan 1st every year, but it’s now a few days after that, and all i can say for myself is that time is non-consequential during a pandemic, right? right.

anywho, this is my usual “thank you for keeping me going this year” post, but with even more fervor. 2020 would not have been nearly as tolerable without you all in it. and when i say all i really do mean all. thank you to anyone who follows me here or has read and supported my work on AO3 or has sent me a message or an ask or even just likes my posts. you can never know how many people’s hearts you’ve touched, lives you’ve made better, but i’m telling you now: you made me smile and laugh and feel love in a year that could have easily stolen all that. thank you for sticking around.

a few more specific shoutouts are under the cut to keep from flooding your dashes. i hope you’re all having a wonderful start to the new year.

much love, mari

to @anniemurphys: ria, i cannot thank you enough, for so many things. you played such a vital role in turning this year around for me. your friendship, and the friendships you’ve helped me make through book club, kept me smiling from week to week. i never wanted to leave our meetings, no matter how long they’d already gone. I could listen to your literary analyses and life advice for days on end. you’re such a kind, patient, loving person, and I’m so lucky to have you in my life. here’s to another year of freaking out over taylor swift albums and the power inherent in voluntarily turning oneself into vegetation.

to @bigdsgirl: heidi, you’re one of the sweetest, most hard-working people i know. you amaze me, and you graciously humor my latest hyper fixations—somehow always knowing, always reblogging content related to what i’m obsessing over at the moment. you give such great advice and have such a calming presence that i love being in chats and on calls with you. i cannot wait for more zoom movie nights in 2021.

to @hellodinoflower: raptor, you’ve supported me for so many years now, and whenever i feel down about my writing i’ll go back through the comments on some of my old fics and yours always make me tear up. you’re so thoughtful and kind and excited about my work that i cannot help but be the same. i hope you enjoyed the little dino reference in pride & publishing—i tried my best, i really did—and i hope you’re doing well. sending you so much love.

to @soyforramen: soy, i promise i’ll get to your head canon asks some day. i promise i haven’t forgotten them; i’m just uncreative and uninspired, but what else is new. you, however, are brilliant and kind and thoughtful, and your guidance in making both life and fic-writing decisions has been so important to me this year. wishing you so much luck with school this year, and even more happiness.

to @ithoughtyoulikedmereckless: rach, where to even begin? you’re the person i talk to when i’m feeling happy or sad or annoyed or angry or pretty much anything, really. our FaceTime convos are my favourite, no matter what time of day we have them at (somehow, the ones at 10pm are just as crazy as the ones at 3am, and i don’t really understand how or why, but i love that for us). i’ve learned so much about myself through my conversations with you, and you keep me level headed when i start doubting myself too much. you understand me on such an amazing level and i’m so lucky that you reached out to me so many years ago. i’m so lucky that we just happened to find each other on here and just so happened to move near each other this year. i still cannot believe i get to see you in person and go on walks in the woods with you. you’re such a talented photographer, writer, painter, baker, and all around artist; an incredibly kind and funny person; and i aspire to be you. i’m rambling now, but just know that i love you.

to @catthecoder: lav, my light, my love. seeing your icon and username on my dash makes me smile so hard. you just give off the best vibes and chatting with you always leaves me feeling like i’ve been basking in the sunlight for the past few hours. we need to make a resolution to sprint with each other more often this year, even if 2021 is going to be as hectic as ever, as i find so much joy in reading your snippets as we go along. you’re such a wonderful writer, and i often read your gift to me from years ago for inspiration and comfort. i hope you’re doing well and am sending so much love.

to @stirringsofconsciousness: stirrings!! i know you’ve had a super busy year, but you still made time to chat with me and i’ll be forever grateful. i often think about the advice you’ve left for me and the thoughtful responses you’ve given to my personal posts and find so much inspiration in your own words and actions. i also still cannot get over the time when you sent me a post of artful vases because you thought of me when you saw them. mortifying ordeal of being known who? anyways lol, i just wanted to thank you for being in my life and wish you a happy 2021.

to @heavy-lies-the-crown: alex, i just wanted to thank you for putting your time and energy towards answering my incessant questions this year. you’ve been an inspiration to me as a writer ever since i first found your work, but you’re also an inspiration to me as a person, and i’m always thinking about the advice you’ve given me. i hope you had a wonderful end to 2020, and that 2021 brings you even more joy than seeing your posts on my dash brings me. much love.

to @stonerbughead: maria, you brought so much happiness to my 2020. your support for my work took my breath away every time, and I swear I nearly cried when I saw your latest comments on pride and publishing. you put so much time and energy into this fandom, and into supporting the people in it, and I hope you know that it doesn’t go unnoticed. we all love you, and we’re so lucky to have you; your fics are brilliant, your podcast highlights are a joy to read, and your disdain for ras is hilarious. thank you for being you. sending lots of love.

to @sullypants: sully, it’s been years and i still marvel at how lucky i am to know you. you’ve taught me so much, from how to be more thoughtful to how to navigate therapy and self-love to how to be a kinder person in the world. you introduced me to ask polly and you send me really nice asks and you’re one of like four people who interacts with my posts on a consistent basis, which makes me feel a little less alone in the world, if that makes any sense. i’m going to stop myself from rambling on or else i might cry, but i just wanted to thank you for—here comes the cliche—changing my life (doesn’t everyone we meet change our lives, in some way or another? but you’ve changed mine considerably, and for the better). sending you so much love (in the form of both yellow and blue heart emojis)

to @justcourbeau: mel, our paths cross less frequently now than they used to, but that doesn’t mean i don’t think about you and the conversations we’ve had, or smile when i come across your posts on my dash, or when i happen to open up instagram once in a blue moon and see you’ve posted on your story. please never stop sending me sparknotes memes—especially cask of amontillado ones. your words of advice from the night i called you, distraught, a few years ago live in my brain rent free, and i will continue to carry them into 2021 with me. i hope 2021 treats you well, and that you achieve all you want and more. sending you an immense amount of love.

to @protectorofthesmoll: your string of comments on pride and publishing made me cry multiple times, i swear. i still read them back every so often, when i’m trying to muster the courage to start up on the new chapter. your support means so much to me, and it amazes me how far back it goes: I’m pretty sure I have at least two asks of yours sitting in my inbox, from back in 2018 when I had barely any followers or supporters, both of them writing prompts that I never filled. i promise i’ll get to them one day. anywho, i just wanted to thank you for your support this year, and every year before that. wishing you so much love and happiness in 2021.

to @panalegs27: 2020 was the year of figuring out that we have so much in common: a hatred of dating apps, confusion over tumblr’s obsession with the raven cycle, and an attraction to logan lerman with gray hair. thank you for chatting about all of these things, and more, with me; seeing that you’ve sent me a post always makes me smile, and our conversations make me laugh. wishing you even more love and laughter in 2021.

to @indiebughead: maria, it’s been so lovely getting to know you more over the course of this year. i love listening to your stories and living vicariously through you, lol. (i want updates on new neighbor boy, asap!) thank you for listening to my petty rants and for encouraging me to make bad decisions and be salty on main when i want to be. i couldn’t have asked for a more supportive conspirer ;) sending lots of love.

to @redundantoxymorons: iz, you’re one of the smartest, most eloquent, most supportive people i know. i know 2021 will be both stressful and exciting in many ways, and i wish you all the best. i know you’re going to thrive wherever you end up, and i’ll cheer you on as you navigate this new world, just as you’ve done for me all these years. i’m so lucky to have you as a friend, supporter, and beta, and all of our conversations bring me so much joy. pls continue to gush about taylor swift and rec books and send uquizzes with results that make me feel Known in 2021. i love you very much <3

to @cracklr: leda, i’ve missed your passive aggressive smiley faces, but your gushing insta comment more than made up for that, i promise :) sending you so much love and happiness in this new year <3

to @dottie-wan-kenobi: dottie, the posts we send each other make me so upset, but in a good way—the “if i just had to see this nasty shit then so do you” kind of way—and i love that about our relationship. who else would understand how disgustingly hilarious something is other than my wife? no one, that’s who. i often think about how you were the first friend i made in fandom, and i’ll be forever grateful for that: i couldn’t have found a better person. i love you so much, and am sending you all my love.

this list of shoutouts is really much shorter than it should be, but my brain is currently friend and i cannot seem to think properly anymore. therefore, i’m going to call it a day and reiterate my above statements that I love you all, and I hope you have a fucking amazing 2021.

[lucky-draws]

Hey!! Your art is awesome :) Where did you learn to draw? Did you go to school or are you self taught?

Hello!! Thank you so much!! :D

It's a bit of both really, I mean I studied art at gcse and A level (which I guess is basically the UK equivalent of us high school level?? Idk how to describe it since school systems are different in every country lol) but I've not studied it at university level or like a proper private art school kind of place or anything.

But also, and I this is gonna sound cliché or whatever, I guess I've been drawing since I was little so aside from school lessons I've had many years of practice of just kinda figuring stuff out for myself basically.

(LOL and I would also say that sometimes school art lessons weren't always that useful, especially for a couple of years when we had rly bad teachers lmao. We did some stuff that was beneficial like life drawing classes and such but in my experience so much of our time was spent writing a load of fake pretentious bullshit instead of actually being taught how to draw LMAO but that's just my feeling...I could write more abt the way art is taught but I won't xD)

Right now I'm not studying anywhere, so I'm working on getting better at drawing by myself. I only really post my fanart on this blog but sometimes I do other stuff like exercises and anatomy studies that I don't post, which are helpful,, maybe since I'm already waffling I'll mention a few things I find useful to do in case it's if interest to you or anyone else? Under the cut tho, since this is getting long LOL

Observational studies/drawing from life is something that's very useful I find; just in terms of generally training yourself to look at something and try to represent it accurately and learning more about what things, textures, shadows, etc actually look like. Lately I often take a sketchbook out with me and do things like sketches of people or buildings or studies of plants, flowers etc. None of them are masterpieces, but it's just the activity in itself that's fun. Sketching people or animals forces you to be quick, because you don't know when they might move positions or leave or whatever, and being able to quickly and confidently get down the basic lines and forms of something is a good skill to have and to practice.

I also enjoy human anatomy and figure drawing so I'm trying to get better at that. Anatomy is a huge subject and it's too much sometimes to get hung up on trying to learn all the bones and muscles; a while back I got myself a textbook and found videos with that object in mind, but eh. I realised it's kind of a little ambitious when there are still so many things abt drawing in general I still don't know how to do, so I'm going to leave properly teaching myself detailed anatomy until later. Running before you can walk kind of thing, maybe.

That said though, doing a few studies now and then is still very useful, just learning a bit at a time and gradually getting used to remembering certain aspects about drawing the human body is progress enough.

In school, life drawing classes were pretty useful but I don't have access to any rn sadly. However, and this is not a #spon or anything jfjffj it's just what I do, I like this website called line of action which has photo references for artists to use; obviously there are countless sites like it but I like this one because it provides you with a timer tool kind of thing, so you can set it to 'class mode' and it will give you images to draw from in stages of 30 second sketches, then moving to a minute, then longer 5-10 minute studies and so on.

Even if you don't know shit about muscles and whatever, just observing the human figure from the outside (via images on the Internet if you understandably do not have access to real humans to pose for you lmao) and drawing it a bunch of times is still beneficial. The other I day I realised that ab muscles were confusing to me, so I literally just googled male abs and copied from a few pictures, just noting how they look, what basic shapes to remember etc.

Another good exercise that I haven't done for a while actually is to do some continuous line drawing, which means drawing something without taking your pen off the paper. For a subject you can use something/someone from life or just a picture on your computer or whatever, but basically just focus on keeping your pen/pencil on the page without lifting it, it's really useful in building up, like, confidence in your line work I guess, and it can look pretty cool actually, because it makes this kind of squiggly effect.

I'm just answering this on mobile right now and don't have time to post any pictures, but I'm thinking I could always post some of my studies and practice work now and then. Some of them will be messy LOL but I guess it might be a good thing to show this kind of stuff instead of finished, polished pieces all the time idk?

Anyway this got long and you didn't rly ask for it sorry chjfnfkf but thank you so much for the ask!!! Hope you're having a good day :-) ❤️

[takaraphoenix]

This may or may not be a touchy question (I guess it depends?), but how do you deal with hate with people who don't particularly like your work or the pairings you like? Because I've seen a fair amount of people stop creating content they want to make because of the backlash or hate they get simply for shipping something, so I do wonder... How do you do it? After all these years, how are you still standing, head held up high? – Much love! <3

I suppose a huge part in that is... personality? I mean, what type of person one is. Some people are very sensitive and negativity gets to them heavily.

Which, is ironic, because I am normally that type of person. I always overthink what other people may think of me and in real life I am easily deterred.

But something about the internet changes the dynamic for me.

If it’s in person? If someone looks me in the eye and criticizes the things I like? That has me fuming. But ain’t nothing more unpersonal than getting an anon and having this round fella with the sunglasses stare at you, or having a “guest” on AO3 comment something nasty.

Because they’re cowards. And the cowardice of the other party tells me that, so a certain degree, they themselves know they’re full of shit. Because if they were confident in what they’re saying, if they knew they were right with whatever they’re claiming, there’s no need to go anon. They could tell me “to my face” - as much as the internet allows that; by being logged in and starting a dialogue.

But someone who hides behind the grey round fella with the sunglasses to tell me I’m morally wrong? Makes me  genuinely laugh. Because if I were, you had no reason to hide.

(At this point, I’d like to add, since you’re on anon too, that there’s different reasons for going on anon. Sometimes, it’s shyness. But if you think yourself morally superior to someone and want to ring the bell of shame behind them, you can’t hide behind anonymity. That’s different.)

I just really can’t take people seriously who hide in the shadows of anonymity to scream at me about how wrong I am. You’d do that with confidence if you knew you were right. But they’re wrong and full of shit. Because they are.

There is no “right” or “wrong” about taste. A ship ain’t only valid for being morally upstanding, pure, canon, whatever. And a person ain’t inherently vile for shipping something that’s unleathy, or toxic, or whatever buzzword they throw around.

Which is another part. I just... absolutely can not take anyone seriously who throws buzzwords around wildly and with no foundation, because they lack any common sense.

Yeah, they’re brothers and it’s incest, what do I care, they’re also fictional characters, I ain’t telling two real life brothers to bang and get married, what’s wrong with the people who can’t tell fiction apart from reality. That’s just pitiful.

I’ve also seen the other side of that. I’ve seen antis ship the exact thing that they’re judging, insulting and harrassing other shippers for. From incest to abuse apologism to just plain toxic canon dynamics. All the things they find a justification to harrass others about, but they ship things of that kind themselves. But their ships are ““different”“ from the ones they hate.

It all boils down to taste and it boils down to a bunch of morons who can’t grasp the concept of “taste” and the fact that... you can like something without it being pure and you can dislike something without it being every shade of morally corrupt.

They bend over backward to find justifications for why the ships they dislike are inherently bad, while they also bend over backward to justify why the exact same things they judge other ships for are actually wholesome and pure in the ships they like.

And at that point, I just genuinely feel bad for those people and am terrified for them. Because I am fully aware of what I ship. I know every deprived nook and cranny of my ships. I know the exact level of toxicity of the canon dynamics. I’m just also aware that they’re fictional characters. But the moment you start reaching to justify why abuse isn’t technically abuse, that’s when it becomes worrisome. And that’s what they do, to justify their own ships.

Now, I’m not gonna lie, this isn’t an attitude I always had and it’s not something I just woke up with one day.

I’ve been in fandom for 15 years now. I’ve seen a lot and I’ve dealt with a lot. I’ve seen when shipwars were primarily reserved to the canon straight love triangles. I’ve seen it devolve into “your ship isn’t valid the gays are getting in the way of the CANON STRAIGHTS”. I’ve seen the number of canon gays grow in media and how it affected these ship wars, invalidating ships where a canon gay ship was split up. And now this shit-show of antis.

My attitude grew out of seeing and experiencing a lot. I was lucky to be “raised” in a safe fandom environment, where the fandom olds took us youngsters under their wings and guided us, taught us how to improve our writing, helped us establish connections in a community.

And that last part, that’s important. Important in dealing with hate. Maybe the most important part, really. You have to find your community. Don’t let yourself be sucked into a circle of hate. Find the people who love the same things as you - the same show, the same characters, the same ships. Form friendships, find that community of positivity.

Fandom is what you make it. Even when other people try to make it something else, try to turn it into a hateful, gross place filled with harrassment and fear and moral policing. Regardless of how hard they try; your fandom is up to you.

Find the people who bring the positivity, who will come into your fics and leave reviews of love and positivity. And weed out the bad. Block them. Block the antis in your fandom, avoid them. Sometimes, preemtively going into an anti tag and just going on a block-spree can be really helpful already. You can block anons on tumblr too! Granted, only their ID, but at one point they’re gonna run out of devices to post anon hate from.

That much to my personal attitude toward it. Now to the act of actually dealing with it.

Many adivse, rightfully so, to ignore it. AO3 allows you to delete comments. On tumlr, you can just delete an anon and not answer it. Especially when you’re the type who is affected by it, not engaging is the best solution.

Personally, I like arguing with people. Everyone who ever talked to me might have noticed that. I live for a good argument. And I’m really bad at letting something just stand. So I usually argue back. I do that, because I am very bad at keeping my mouth shut, but also because it brings me a certain amount of glee to mock their nonsense.

I do it here. I have my “Dear Anonymous Shithead” tag where I address anon bullshit and anon hate from FFNet and AO3 - because FFNet doesn’t let you answer to anons. And then I delete the original comments on my fics, because I don’t like shitstains on my fics.

I call that approach meeting them on your own terms. Because they think they are doing something grand somehow by publicly leaving their vile comments on your fics. Delete them, take their voice away. Put it somewhere else to argue their nonsense on your own terms, mock them if you want, it’s fun. Fight your battle, the way you want to fight it - and that does include just deleting them and not engaging at all; that’s not running away, that’s self-care.

Like I said, my attitude’s not always been like that. It got me before too. Way, way back - and I really do mean way back, it’s been surely over five years ago - there was a tumblr account on here that spent an unreasonable amount of time openly hating on me. It’s the reason I avoided getting a tumblr, because back then I was not in a mental state to openly engage with such a hateful place.

And it’s still a hateful place; all those anti communities here. People proudly proclaiming they’re antis in their biography. People taking screenshots of other tumblrs or artists to mock them and make fun of them. The thing that changed isn’t tumblr, it’s me. I waited to engage with this place until I was ready to engage with it. I got my tumblr account when I already had the attitude of scoffing at anon hate.

I do think that only getting actively involved in a website when you are ready for it is another important part. The thing you mention in your ask, the people who stopped creating because of anon hate. It breaks my heart, it absolutely does, and I hate losing creators to it, but I do think that if those creators made that judgment call for themselves and their own mental health because they knew they couldn’t handle the harrassment, then they did the right thing. Even if they themselves may hate it, because they want to create. But sometimes, taking a step back is the right thing to do. I do hope that they will find it in themselves to overcome this and come back stronger, but constant harrassment and bullying can have severe consequences on a person and removing yourself from that kind of environment can sometimes be a last resort that needs to be taken.

I’ll also admit that I’ve been calculating what fandom to interact with to what degree ever since I got a tumblr account and started to see just how deep the hatred goes. Some things I might have created for, but I saw just how nasty the antis in the fandom were and... it wasn’t worth the fight for me.

Percy Jackson and Shadowhunters are my loves. My ride-or-die fandoms. I can, and will, fight for them. No one will chase me out of these fandoms, regardless of what kinds of insults and bullshit they throw at me. I’ve been here years longer than most of these newbie antis and I will be here long after they moved on to other things.

New things that I don’t have attachment to, I will weight if my level of interest in the thing will be worth engaging with the fandom nonsense with. Sometimes, it’s not, sometimes I make the judgment call for myself to step a way from a thing.

I admit, that happend with Teen Wolf too. Back when I did my last rewatch and enthusiastically engaged with it on here on tumblr, live posting about my rewatch and it... showed me startling, ugly sides of this fandom that I hadn’t known before, back when all my engagement had been to read fics and to write that one fic I had. That rewatch could have dragged me back into the deep end - but the brand of hate I encountered here... genuinely got to me. It really messed with my head, a lot, I’ve never been threatened before, I’ve never been insulted and constantly harrassed to such a degree. It was the first time I ever turned off anon on here, it put me into a sense of dread for just coming online for a while. I didn’t expect that, neither that it’d happen nor the extend of it or that it’d get to me like this. I still love Sterek to bits and pieces, it’ll be one of those ships I will always be attached to, but that experience with the bad side of the fandom made me recoil from getting involved with Teen Wolf again.

But in the Percy Jackson fandom? I’ve stood here for ten years now. I’ve gotten shit thrown at me about pretty much anything. I’ve also created over five hundred works for this fandom. I have received love and excitement in comments. I have received fanarts. I have received fanfiction to my fics. I’ve gotten fics dedicated to me by people who liked my work and wanted to write something nice for me. I’ve met one of my best friends and I’ve met my girlfriend in this fandom. Sure, I’ve been called names and been mocked, but I also know what I have.

I know I’m a damn good writer. I may not have much self-esteem, but what little self-esteem I have is located here, in the very thing they think they can attack. The thing is, I have no insecurities in this. This is the one area where you can’t attack me. And on top of that, I have that community of amazing people who love the same things as I do. I have the support, the friends, the shared hype. What do I care about some pitiful little fool hiding behind anonymity to whine about how wrong and gross I am? Their opinion weights nothing compared to that of the people who leave me anon love, who leave me squealy and excited comments.

To sum it all up:

Someone who has to hide behind anonymity is aware they don’t have the moral high ground.

Their definition of the “moral high ground” is so pitiful that it makes me feel bad for them.

I know the difference between fiction and reality and I pity the fools who don’t.

Find a positive fandom space for yourself and claim it.

Either delete anon hate, or meet it on your own terms.

Sometimes, I don’t. Sometimes, I lose and the hate does get to me.

You need to make the judgment call for yourself, if you can mentally handle a situation or not, and do what is best for you.

[intoxicatingimmediacy]

Partners S1: E5 Daveed Diggs and Rafael Casal

Daveed & Rafael are best friends and artists who have collaborated across film, theater, music, and poetry. Their partnership extends beyond the normal boundaries of friendship, and the normal boundaries of a working relationship.

Rafael: There's sort of a before we met and an after we met and no gradient. Daveed: Yeah. Rafael: I don't remember— Daveed: It's like, I don't even know this guy and then this is the person I work with on everything. Rafael: And I'm pretty sure I said to him, I was like, "This is my best friend." Daveed: I'm Daveed Diggs. Rafael: I'm Rafael Casal. Daveed: And we're buddies.

Listen to it here

Full transcript under the cut...

Daveed: I'm not sure when we met or when we were formally introduced, but surely at some sort of poetry event, because we were both sort of coming up in that scene. I was older, I was four years older than him. Rafael: My freshman year, his senior year. That's a lifetime apart in high school. My memory of him in high school is Diggs always had a very nonchalant way about him. I don't know that this paints it accurately, but this is a representation of it, at some point Diggs was like, "I'm just wearing pajama pants to school every day," and I'm sure that wasn't the whole time, I got this little window of it. Daveed: It was the whole time. All of high school, for sure. Rafael: That's amazing. Daveed: It was as a rule. But we would see each other at these poetry events and he was really, really good at writing poems. A way more sort of focused writer than I had ever been in that situation, you know? So I remember that. I remember thinking that here's a person that's actually better than me at this thing and that's pretty cool. Daveed: Then over the years, also after when I was in college, when I'd come back home for the summers, sometimes I'd drop in just to watch poetry things that were happening, sort of check in on the scene. He was the dude, he had become that guy. Rafael: I remember that so differently. I barely finished high school in a very nontraditional way and then went off and did this show on HBO, Def Poetry.

Rafael: I came back and had just enough money saved up with some friends to open a very dungeon-y recording studio and we were looking for other artists. We didn't have anybody else recording at the studio. So a mutual friend of ours, one of his close friends who was the older brother of one of my close friends was like, "You know Daveed raps?" Daveed: Yeah, we really got set up on a rapper play date. So our friend Justin was like, "You guys should work together. You're two of my favorite rappers." I was like, "Yeah, yeah." And he played me his stuff and it was really good. I didn't have anywhere to record, I was recording songs in my Mom's closet, in the little closet in my room. I hadn't been in a lot of studio spaces, so I was like, oh, a studio? Rafael: I don't know that this qualified as an actual studio. Daveed: I didn't know that yet because I hadn't been there yet. Rafael: But I don't think we had any idea what meeting each other and actually getting time was going to be like. Daveed: Finally we started. It was like, this is the song we're going to work. We had listened through some beats and it was like, "Let's work on this one." I just started writing and, yeah, it happened really fast. At some point we looked up and everyone else was gone and it was just the two of us in there and we were still making music. Rafael: We just made music until the sun came up and began the ritual that day of going to the car at 8:00 AM and playing everything that you'd recorded and then dragging your body home to sleep and kind of doing it all over again. Daveed: I'd been making music for many, many years and it had never been that much fun before. Rafael: Suddenly there's this person that writes a verse in five minutes and can nail it in a take. And at the time we were working with some random singers and stuff that couldn't ever sing the line and rappers who took an hour to get a verse down. It was just like, "Wow, this is so easy," and then we'd just have songs done.

Daveed: As a young artist early on when I'm still trying to figure things out and creating is hard for me, being around somebody who just creates all the time, it's addictive. I don't have the technical skill set that Rafa has, so he was so fast in Pro Tools. He was all of these things that I just would have to labor over and then all of that stuff became really impressive too. Once, as we started working together and I became aware that he had taught himself all of these things, nobody ever really showed him how to do anything, it seemed like... and he was editing videos and shooting things, the whole range of what it takes to be a music artist out in the world he had taught himself to do. I didn't really know anybody like that. Rafael: Over the next four or five years we recorded hundreds of songs- Daveed: So many more songs- Rafael:...that no-one's heard. Daveed:...that no-one will ever hear. Rafael: Legit hundreds and wrote a play together and then we lived together and it was like, oh man. When we're around each other this much it's like we have too many ideas. It was the right amount of proximity for the full version of creativity that we had always... we had thought we'd already tapped it and we did so much shit that year. I think artistically we were doing great. Daveed: Yeah, we're definitely making it and we were definitely broke. Rafael: People knew us. Daveed: It was just a combination of the thing, it was like- Rafael: We got on the radio. Daveed: This is also great, listen to how he says we. Because really Rafa was known, right? He had a song that got played on Clear Channel radio and then got named one of the Bay Area Freshmen '10. Rafael: Best new whatever. Daveed: He got named one of those, but Rafa never would take that for himself, it was always us. We are. We played those shows together and would end up making no money on these gigs because he would bring me and a band, four or five other people to play music, use the entire fee to fly us out to wherever, Georgia and play a show where no-one would make any money but we got to play a show. He was doing that from jump for so long. Hrishikesh: Why was that how you would always do it? Rafael: Well because, one, I don't, I'm uncomfortable with I statements. Daveed: Berkeley is shit. Rafael: Berkeley is shit. I'm not good to roll with I statements, they feel self indulgent. I was raised to not feed an ego that feels constantly eager for food. What I love about that period is we were all pushing to little different degrees of success. We're just kind of weirdos almost in a scene that we kind of make sense in. They didn't understand Diggs very much at all, I feel like the more commercial Bay Areas scene and they only sort of understood me. It was very you're in, but don't try to make any changes, you know? And I think that's a big reason that we went to LA. We could see the top of the ladder and it's not getting any friendlier or more receptive. We maybe can make this movie and maybe there's different music opportunities down there, but it's definitely not going to happen here. And then suddenly we packed up from the West Oakland place and moved to LA. Daveed: Also we had already been, we were working on Blindspotting, so we'd been traveling up and down. Our producers, we had been driving to meet with them really frequently. Rafael: We were slumming it so hard when we got to LA, we were so poor. Diggs was delivering tacos. Daveed: Yeah. I was like... I couldn't be an actor in LA, is what I decided. Rafael: We're just swinging and missing, just trying to figure out what does it mean to be in the bigger pond and want to be artists professionally. We did five years in LA before Diggs went to New York to do Hamilton. I think that was one of those things that came about for Diggs really organically. Hamilton was such an interesting... it was a play, it was legit written for him to flex all the things he's good at. They were like, "Who's this rap kid that turns out can also act?" And the rest of us were like, "Turns out? He's been doing that more than a lot of y'all." And the world saw Diggs in the light that best showed everything and they not only accepted, but obsessed over it. And then I went to visit him in New York when the show was picking up steam and the first thing that happened is this girl grabs my arm and looks at Diggs and goes, "Oh my God, is that Daveed Diggs?" to me and I start to realize that this woman is Anne Hathaway and she's fan-girling out. I'm like, "Oh man, a major shift is happening."

Daveed: My life is changing very, very quickly. I was under stress constantly. Rafa is calling and texting and emailing and I'm getting back to the degree that I can. So yes, obviously it would have been so much easier and nicer if my best friend was also living in New York and somebody who has context for me outside of this thing. Rafael: I remember [inaudible 00:10:39] I turned to Diggs and I was like, "I'm thinking about moving to New York so you'll respond more in person." I remember Diggs goes, "I didn't want to ask." Daveed: That's a big ask and I'm doing eight shows a week. It's not like, move to New York and let's go kick it in the Berkshires, you know? It's like, move to New York and I'll see you at midnight sometimes. Rafael: But I was like, well it's just good for him to have a friend there. But also can I run your social media? Because you're not posting enough and people want to see this adventure and there's a sincere way to do it. And I had done a little bit of it with his Twitter and stuff in the Bay and in LA, but this was like, "Give me your passwords." I probably already had them. Daveed: This was an admission that he was going to use them. Rafael: I was letting him know that I was going to do it. Daveed: On a regular basis. And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, do that." Rafael: And especially if you actually hadn't been able to do it, you didn't have to be self-indulgent, I'm doing it. There's a year of his Instagram that's just his friend's version of how awesome he is.

Rafael: Blindspotting got started because, around when I was 21, one of my friends got killed in a way that sort of didn't make a lot of sense to most people in the community. And it was sort of the breaking point because it was a woman, because it was somebody who wasn't really involved in the violence of the world that we were existing in at the time. Some other people had been killed and other people I sort of was close to. There was a series of funerals people had gone to in succession and this was the button on it. It was just a breaking point for me. So I had written this poem about sort of the numbness of that experience of like, "God, is this what life is? People die and we get numb and we care a little less every time? How does this go?" And then we just kind of started coming up with a story that was a movie that's in verse starring the two of us. We kept almost making Blindspotting and not making it. Diggs, he finishes this massive sensation in New York. He had 30 days in June that he could shoot this movie- Daveed: 22. Rafael:... and then a month later we were in Oakland shooting the movie. Daveed: In the hometown. Everybody who's an extra in that movie is a friend of ours that we grew up with. Rafael: Yeah. And it's still not a real movie to us. It's still a thing we can't believe they made. Daveed: In Hollywood, in a world that we always assumed we didn't belong in, that we never really figured out how we would fit into anyway. To have doors start opening in a way where they're sort of asking questions about what you want to do is crazy actually. It's just fun in meetings post Blindspotting now that we're associated together in this way and also people have been able to see that Rafael is a great actor as well as a great writer. It's like, "Well what's he doing? Do you think he'd be interested in this? Can you talk to him for us?" It's pretty... I love that. I love that so much. Rafael: And I still know the 10 things that he can do that nobody's seen yet. And that's still fun for me. Daveed: The closest I have ever gotten to fighting with Rafa I think is when somebody else I'm close to is fighting with Rafa, right? Rafael: I think that's sort of our good cop, bad cop type of... where someone will be venting to him and he's like, "I don't know what to tell you, I've already picked my team." We have this expression that we always say, we did this before every show and we kind of do it anytime we're at a crossroads. We're like energy up, expectations down. Daveed: Energy up, expectations down. Rafael: It's just like this whole ship runs on enthusiasm.

Daveed Diggs and Rafael Casal are partners. Go watch their film Blindspotting and check out the album they put out together last year, called Seven Nights in Chicago. You can follow them on Twitter or Instagram @DaveedDiggs and @RafaelCasal. Rafael probably still has the passwords to Daveed's accounts.

[mindofharry]

Not fair.

In which Amy starts her own music career and Harry’s really proud.

WARNING: cursing. mentions of suicide, depression and drug addiction. Harry and Amy being cute :,)) I’m using lily Allen’s ‘not fair’ for Amy’s first studio song!! It just reminds me ALOT of her. Enjoy!

Amy was scared. so scared. She wondered what Harry’s supporters would think of her now. How she walked out on Harry just before tour. She couldn’t help but feel guilty, she shouldn’t of done what she did. Obviously she was going to quit at some point. But she never wanted it to be like that. After that day Harry and Amy didn’t talk. They were strangers. Amy hated it. But she was way too stubborn to call or text him. That’s one thing they shared in common. Being way too stubborn for their own good.

After posting some covers and original songs on YouTube she decided it was time to decide what she wanted to do. Did she want to travel around the world? Did she want to go to college? Did she want to pursue her music career?

An email decided that for her.

A few months later Amy was signed onto a record label that she adored. The people there were supportive and listened to every song she wrote or sung. They let her record her own music. She had told them immediately about her past with drugs and her depression. They didn’t turn her away they helped her. Amy was so grateful to have such a supportive team. She just wished it was with Harry.

After getting her first proper single done she decided to an interview. Zane Lowe has been in touch with her before, but now she was finally ready to tell her story. They did it in her apartment. It was all very calm and zane never pushed her for an Amy was very grateful for.

“You have a new single coming out in a few days. Tell me about it!” Zane said with a warm smile. She nodded and bit her lip “it’s not a sad one. This is a fun, really fun song. It’s called not fair. It’s about sex” she said smirking and he nodded “how different is it from your older songs?” He asked.

“Uh. It’s very different. My last couple of songs that I’ve only released on YouTube are really sad songs from really sad times in my life. I wasn’t well when I was writing them. I was really depressed and the only way I could express what I was feeling was I was through songs” she said and paused taking a breathe.

“I was on drugs from 16 to 20” she said and Zayne nodded letting her know it’s ok.

“My songs were all of my emotions. They were all me” she said and looked over to the tv. “They were about times when I nearly killed my self. Where my bipolar was so bad I had quit my job. Something I loved so much” she said smiling sadly.

“How did you over come your depression and addiction. Because it’s an incredible story”

“Thank you. I appreciate it. I- I was kicked out of my brothers house when I was 20. He had told me to get the fuck out of his house. Jesus did I deserve it. I was so off the wall. I can hardly remember any of it. There’s a few moments stuck in my mind. And I’m embarrassed. Really embarrassed. I remember going for my job interview with Harry. And I fucking looked a mess. But I had got the job. So I decided then and there, that this had to stop. I needed help” Amy said and rested her hand on her crossed knee.

“My depression is still here. She likes to come around December mostly. And sometimes around the time I got sober. But I’ve really gotten better. Sometimes I do just want to stay in bed. Or just have a bit of cocaine. Just a bit. But I never do” she paused and looked up at zayne “I’m forever grateful for Harry and the band. Because if i didn’t get that job, I don’t think I’d be alive” she said and straightened herself up.

“It’s really different being by yourself, right?” He asked pushing up his glasses.

“Yes and no. Although I miss the guys. A lot. I feel a lot more true to myself and free. It’s hard being by yourself all the time. But I have my brother, his wife and my little nephew mickey” she said smiling thinking about her family.

“Tell me about your family” he asked and she took a sharp intake.

“Well my mum left when I was really young. I don’t blame her at all. She was really fucking depressed. I had blamed her for most of my teen years. But my brother had told me she was depressed only recently. I was hurt. But I stopped blaming her. I just want her to know that I love her. That we could’ve got help. But it’s all in the past. My dad on the other hand, I really don’t have the time of day for. He had left after things got too hard. And recently tried to get in contact with me asking for money. I used to really love him. He used to play stevie nicks for us everytime we would play outside or before bed. And be taught me how to play guitar. I’m grateful for whatever time we had together. But that’s it” she said and messed with her skirt.

“My brother is the best” she said laughing “he’s super fucking stupid. But I love him. It was just me and him for a while so he was basically mum, dad and brother for me” Amy said with a small smile “he done so much for me. I really don’t know where I’d be without him. His wife is the best and she’s like the sister I never had. Always helping me and supporting me. Mickey or Micheal. He’s my little angel” she giggled.

“He reminds me so much of me it’s unreal” she said and played with her hair “he loves Stevie as much as me and Harry love her” she said and zayne laughed knowing how much they both love her.

“Tell me about Harry” he smirked and she rolled her eyes with a small smirk.

“I really do love Harry. And really grateful for all he’s done for me. He’s made so many opportunities for me and I wish I could tell him how thankful I am for him. And the end of the day I wasn’t happy and my happiness and self love comes before anything else. Harry and I weren’t really on good terms anymore when I left. He had done something’s that hurt me. More than anything. But now, all I want to do is talk to him. Apologise for all the shit I caused, ya know?”

He nodded and put a hand over her hand “your story is remarkable. You should be really proud of yourself” he smiled.

“I am” she nodded “not fair is one of my favourite songs that I’ve wrote so far. It’s just so different. I can’t wait to get on stage” she gushed.

Soon enough not fair was released.

“NOT FAIR. OUT NOW. A!”

To say twitter went crazy was an understatement. She was really fucking proud of herself.

She was invited to jingle bell ball. And shit she was scared. She only had relased the song a few days ago. Although she had a few songs already she was nervous no one would know her. Or they’d be bored.

She wore red bell bottoms with a white heels. Her top was tucked in a bit of cleavage showing. Her hair was messy and so was her makeup. Amy really did want to make a good impression but she didn’t want force it, so she was herself.

She nearly cried when she found out Harry was going to be there too. “Mickey he’s going to be there”she groaned and mickey shook his head ���stop being loser Aunty Amy” he said playing with his toys. She laughed and messed up his hair before heading to back to her spot.

Soon enough she was backstage with her brother and his family. And she had her manager sammy with her too. Sammy was a real life angel. She would be an absolute mess if he wasn’t around.

“Are you ready my love?” Sammy asked and she shook her head “no I think I need to check my guitar” she said and he nodded “ok, get everything done. Your guitar is just out of here and upfront. I’ll get your body guards to go with you” he said letting out a breath. Amy rolled her eyes which were full of eyeliner and mascara. She didn’t argue she just followed the men.

She soon came to meet all the backstage workers. She stopped to shake everyone’s hand on the way introducing themselves and letting them talk to her a few minutes. She loved this part of her work. Getting to meet new people. She loved listening. And she loved talking a lot. But not about herself. She loved to just talk. About anything and everything.

She could see her guitar leaning against some equipment. She squealed and ran over to it like it was a child. The body guards laughed to themselves as they watched her tune up with her band that was playing with her.

She started on cherry wine just her playing and singing to herself. Everyone was mesmerised by her. They didn’t crowd her, but they were listening. It was rare to see such a pure artist.

Harry had arrived to the beautiful song. He knew the song well. He played it a few times. Cried and smiled to it. He had watched the interview leaving him sobbing and guilty. She didn’t have to apologise he thought. He just wanted to hug her and kiss her.

she finished her song before smiling. And started talking to her band. Harry stayed put helping his own band.

Amy had spotted him. She smiled and decided it was time to grow up.

Harry looked behind him and saw her smiling coming over. She looked beautiful. The most beautiful women ever.

“Harry” she smiled pulling him into a hug he tensed before he relaxed putting his arms around her.

“hey- hi” he stuttered before she pulled away.

“Love the new songs h. You really did good” she smiled before walking back wards “good luck”

She was up first. She was shitting it.

“Hey” she said into the microphone and the crowd was loud in response. She smiled and started her guitar and started with cherry wine.

Then she did one of her older songs dead to me which was more upbeat. She walked along the the stage singing and dancing.

Her second last song was a cover of Rhiannon which people seem to enjoy.

And then she got to not fair. She walked down the cat walk and smiled at a girl who through up an lgbtq+ flag. Amy winked and pulled the flag around her.

“This is my last song. Thank you for having me. I love you” she said and started singing.

“When we go up to bed, you’re not good, it’s such a shame” she said dancing around in her heels.

“It’s not fair” she sang and pouted.

“And I think you’re really mean”

“I think you’re really mean”

The crowd screamed as she bowed blowing a kiss before she jogged off stage.

Harry looked at her and smiled.

It really isn’t fair.

[omega-deku]

So I would love to progress on my art and try comics any tips? ÙwÚ

Hi! I’m so sorry about the late reply. D: I hope you don’t mind if I take this opportunity to address all the anon messages about how we can improve as artists. 

I have a tough time answering this question because there is so much I need to learn. I’m super flattered that some of you feel that my art is good enough to ask me for tips, first of all!! So thank you, guys.

It’s a struggle because I only recently started taking up art again. So I’ve forgotten a lot of the things. So I’m probably not the best person to ask about this.

I used to draw all the time as a kid, but after high school, I stopped drawing. I stopped drawing for almost a decade, pretty much. I really regret it. I feel like I could have come such a long way if I did keep going. My parents really discouraged me from pursuing art, even just as a hobby, too. Even when I left home (I’m back now tho), my ex-spouse, greatly discouraged me from doing art too. I mean, “proper” art. They told me my art wasn’t “real art” because it’s not studio art, it’s “sellout” art, like anime/cartoons/fanart. I had even worse self-esteem as I do now, and I listened to them and gave up. I convinced myself I hated drawing. 

Please don’t deny yourself things that make you feel engaged and connected. If drawing makes you feel good, if it makes you not realize how much time has passed and makes you feel like you’re accomplishing things, even little by little, please don’t stop. Even if you suffer from depression and feel like things like this are pointless, remember that just doing things in general will help you. Drawing is an awesome way to get into the flow state. To me personally, it’s almost like a meditative state and I find it helpful in dealing with chronic pain and mental health issues. 

Anyways, I’ll try to compile some advice sort of things.

ART IN GENERAL

1. Draw what you enjoy! I think the most important thing is to draw what you like. It’s okay if it’s “dumb stuff”. Draw your favorite characters or pairings from your favorite tv shows if that tickles your fancy! You’re much more likely to be spending more time drawing if you’re drawing stuff you like. And as long as you’re drawing, you’re improving. (But still, challenge yourself and get out of your comfort zone!)

Especially for those of you who are planning to pursue art as a career, it’s essential that you don’t view practicing art as a chore. 

2. Draw from life. If you really want to take your art to the next level, drawing from life is vital! I think many of us have come across artists who are just amazing, but there are things that look a little “off”. For example, the anatomy doesn’t look quite right, or the perspective is a little wonky. Things like that can be a tell that they’ve learned to draw from other people’s art rather than from life. Or just haven’t practiced the basics enough. (My art isn’t amazing or anything close to that lmao, but it definitely suffers from this. I need lots of life drawing practice.)

There is nothing wrong with learning from your favorite artists, but to really train your “artist’s eye”, you need to strip away all the stylistic choices and go back to the basics. Training that Eye is one of the most crucial things you could do as an artist. 

Just take a piece of paper, a pencil and start drawing what you see. If you can, take figure drawing classes at your local community college, or draw the animals you see at the zoo. Sit on a bench and draw the scenery in front of you. Over time, you’ll start to recognize common patterns, simplify/think of things in terms of lines and shapes.

If you can’t afford a class or have the ability to go outside easily, drawing from photographs can be the next best thing. (See the Resources below for an online figure drawing tool.) I’m not experienced enough to definitively say why this isn’t the #1 idea, but from what I hear, there are things that you’ll miss out on, such as subtle shifts in shadows, colors, and other things that will happen from small movements in pose changes, a cloud moving, or whatever else. A different “feel”, if you will.

With the digital art boom, a lot of artists are learning how to do cool digital effects and fancy things, but forgoing basic anatomy, perspective, shading, etc. Which is all fine if you’re just having fun, but isn’t the best idea if you’re really serious about improving. Practice the fundamentals!

(If you have been dreaming about CalArts at one point like I did when I was in high school, one advice I came across from everyone who went there was to draw from life. All the time. It’s not an answer I expected from people who draw funny looking characters all day. You mean all these people who draw such simplified cartoon people and animals can actually draw like masters? Perfectly rendered bowls of fruit? I didn’t realize how much work goes into animating simple characters.)

3. Put in the time. 

It’s really easy to get suckered into just watching “how to improve” videos all day and thinking about improving. Watching how other artists work is an important learning tool, but you’ll never actually make progress if you aren’t practicing. 

Sometimes, the best thing to do is to not think about it. Just do it. 

It’s like when I’m spending a whole lotta time thinking about getting physically fit than just, you know.. just doing it. “Tomorrow for sure.” 

It may seem like it’s worthless, but doing those lame 5 push-ups a day instead of the 20-minute workout you wanted to put in, is better than nothing at all. You are making progress, no matter how small it may seem.  

Make it a habit to practice every day. That way, you don’t even hesitate. It’s as automatic as brushing your teeth.

All the artists you see who have fantastic, awe-inspiring art may seem like Unreachable Gods sometimes, but those artists didn’t just pull that out of their ass one day. They put in hours and hours and hours of work. Let’s not disrespect other artists by ignoring that and chalking it up to “talent”. No one is born with an innate ability to draw. WE can get there too if we practice!

I want to get good enough to draw the things I have in my head one day!

Some resources that may be helpful:

Draw a Box - This is a site for free lessons for absolute beginners. Look under “Lessons” to learn. The creator of the site is the mod for r/ArtFundamentals. You can post your work there to get critiqued.

Check out Proko’s videos on gesture drawing, art fundamentals, etc. Daily routines of successful artists.

Use this site to practice figure drawing, gesture drawing - Set aside some time to practice drawing people and animals every day. Start trying to see things as lines, shapes, and go big. Don’t get too caught up in the details, and tiny drawings. Learning to draw fast (not draw FAST as in speed, but as in capture the gesture in a post, the “feel” of the movement) will force you to do this more, and with more experience, make your figures less stiff looking. 

And it’s okay if you’re aren’t good at it. You’ll make loads and loads of shit drawings until you can get decent. 

I’m most definitely in this stage right now, trying to train my Artist’s Eye. As in, I can’t just draw a figure from memory. I don’t really know what goes where without a reference, or how they move, etc. You can tell by how stiff my drawings look.

Lulusketches How to Improve video - She has similar advice, but her point about looking at “Art of” books something I have come across from multiple professional artists; Her advice on worrying about finding your own “style” is really good too. Do challenges like she said!

Her playlist of art tutorials & advice is great. They’re short and sweet. Her beginner digital art tutorial got me started on digital art (the one with Ginny Weasley). 

Not free ($30 a month), but these online Schoolism classes look helpful. It’s run by Bobbie Chiu. I saw some great reviews and I want to try them someday. They’re taught by artists in the animation/film industry. But you gotta have a basic grasp on digital art/photoshop for many of the classes, I think? I’m not 100% sure. They’re pre-recorded video lessons. 

You can pay more for feedback from the teachers, but you can also just use it as a self-learning guide. 

This drawing faces from any angle video was pretty helpful for me. The artist has loads of other tutorials.

COMICS

I don’t feel qualified enough to give much advice on comics. I mean, I don’t even draw the lines for the boxes, haha.. However, these comic books are basically required reading for some courses:

Scott McCloud’s Understanding Comics & Making Comics.

I can’t remember which one it is that I read, I think it was Making Comics? But wow, if I remember correctly, it was FULL of really useful things about how to make effective comics. I lost the book while moving years ago, but it was FANTASTIC learning material. I loved every panel of it. 

He talks about everything from perspective, placement of characters, speech bubbles, how big panels should be, etc. 

If you can afford it, get a used one and start reading! Even if you don’t want to make comics just yet, it’s super interesting. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #280

“this is the place in our mind with a crooked crown / we came to execute its own perfect shutdown”

Do you have a strong local accent? No. Do you prefer green or red grapes? Red, but either is fine so long as they’re crisp. Can you stand on your hands unassisted? pffff Who was the last person to knock/ring at your door? Pizza guy. How old were you when you last went trick or treating? No idea. Have you ever been bobbing for apples? ”No. That’s a gross game lol you’re dipping your head and mouth into water other people are dipping their head and mouth into.” <<<< This. What’s your most expensive piece of clothing? No clue. What’s the last thing you took a picture of? Guys I actually took a selfie bc for once in my goddamn life, I felt really pretty with the makeup Summer did on me. She's working towards a degree in cosmetology and is so talented with it. What’s the last thing you drew a picture of? A meerkat pup. Have you ever been on a pogo stick? Omg, yes. I got one for I think Christmas one year as a kid and I got SO into it. I learned how to do it really well. Can you down a pint (of anything) in one? Probably not without throwing up. Have you ever been banned from a public place? No. Have you ever been in a newspaper? A couple times, I think. I know once in elementary school for when I was in chorus; we went somewhere for a small Christmas show. Then I believe I was in it for another school thing? Idr. What football team do you support? I don’t care for football or sports in general. What did you want to be when you grew up? My phases included paleontologist, vet, movie director, author, game designer, aaaand I know I’m forgetting one. But my current and long-term goal has been to become a photographer. Being an artist as a free time “job” has always been an aspiration, too. Have you ever tie-dyed your own clothes? In school, yeah. How often do you buy new clothes? Very rarely. Usually just around Christmas or my birthday from gift cards I get. Are you reliable? In some ways yes, in other ways no. Are you proud of yourself? No. If you could ask your future self one question what would it be? If she’s ended up happy. Do you hold grudges? Nah. Do you decorate the outside of your house for Christmas? Mom does pretty much last minute, but only sometimes when looking at the past few years. Can you solve sudoku puzzles? Sure, they’re fun. What’s the most unusual conversation you've ever had? Who knows. Are you much of a gambler? Not at all. I don’t fuck around with money, especially when just $5 makes you feel great. Have you ever been to Disneyland? I’ve been to Disney World. Do you sing in the shower? Very rarely. Almost never now that I don’t play music while I’m in there. As a child did you ever suck your thumb or fingers? I mean probably? I do know I loved my pacifier and was SO upset when Mom’s doctor or someone playfully told me I was gonna have to give it up because my upcoming baby sister would want to steal it, and guess what? Nicole never fucking used a pacifier so I was tilted lmao. What time do you usually go to bed? Lol BRO it can be as early as 7 PM on bad depression days to as late as like, 2-3 AM. I’d say the average time is like… 9:30. What's your favorite animal? MEERKATS hngggggggggggggggg Have you ever been in marching band? No. Do you have any enemies? No? At least I don’t consider anyone to be. Have you ever been a cheerleader? As a kid, Mom wanted me to so I could do something with my sisters, who were actually interested in cheerleading. She certainly didn’t force me to or anything, I just agreed to it despite not being into it. We were with this Christian sports group for a long time doing various sports all the while being taught lessons in Christlikeness. I’ve actually got warm memories of it Did you ever date anyone on the football team? No. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, not that I’m against the idea tho. The plushy would just have to be very special to me and also comfortable to hold. How many consecutive days have you ever missed of school? I missed an entire week when I learned about Mom’s cancer. I could barely function. With how much school stressed me, I would NOT have managed. Have you ever been pregnant? No, not in my to-do list. When was the last time you wanted to speak out, but couldn’t? I’m sure it was recently over Facebook; most times, I keep my mouth shut over political things on there that might get me fired up because I’m afraid of confrontation. Are fingerless gloves awesome? I love them. Wore them daily in high school. I still have some of my favorites, though I’m doubtful they still fit my hands… Would you rather be cannibalistic or die in the wilderness? Okay so I’m gonna actually go kinda in-detail, so the squeamish be warned. Realistically, I think I’d choose to die. ESPECIALLY if I was the one expected to kill another person; then, there’s no question. I wouldn’t be able to do it either if I knew the person. If it was some stranger someone else killed and cooked, I don’t know with absolute certainty; starvation really can make animals out of people. I do know for sure I’d vomit. I far more heavily lean into still preferring to die, because I just believe some things aren’t worth living after they’ve been committed. I’d hate myself. I’d rather die feeling clean of conscience. Would you survive on a deserted island? Hell no. Have you dyed your hair eccentric colors in the past? Yeah, I want to do it far more often… What size drink do you usually get at fast food restaurants? Medium, sometimes small. What do you think is the best thing in life? Love, both platonic and romantic. Have you ever sold anything online either on Craigslist, eBay, Amazon, etc.? If not, what is your website of choice like any of the above for buying things? We sold our previous dog over Craigslist, and I sold my iguana there as well. I know Mom has used eBay and Amazon, but idk for what. Have you ever seen an animal give birth? Have you ever had a pet give birth before? I’ve seen old pet cats give birth many times. What is something you want to try to accomplish within the next year? I want a job that I’m content with and can mentally handle. Oh, and I REALLY want to make strong progress on recovering from the muscle atrophy in my legs. What’s the most unusual kind of pizza you’ve ever tried? I have no clue; I’m not that adventurous with pizza or food in general. If you were given the chance to decorate an entire house the way you wanted, with no limit to cost, how would you decorate it? GOTHIC AS A MOTHERFUCKER WELCOME TO THE GOTDAMN ADDAMS FAMILY. What’s one of your favorite things to touch/feel? My cat. :’) How often do you wear tights? Ew, never. Has there ever been anything you’ve become interested in much later than other people? I guess Instagram, but only as a viewer. I don’t have a personal one, just for my photography that I only rarely post. Have you ever had a veggie burger? Yeah, during my vegetarian streak. Burger King’s really aren’t that bad so long as the patty is made well. Do you like candles? Yeah, sure. When was the last time you wore a sports bra? Forever ago when I was doing Wii Fit. Where did you get the shirt you’re currently wearing? I think Hot Topic? It’s an oversized Umbreon shirt. Who last messaged you on Facebook? My friend Summer when we were planning our lil witch photoshoot w/ friends. Who last walked you home? lol you don’t just have someone “walk you home” here. Bundles of homes are way too far and in-between for reasonable walking distance. Did you make any new friends lately? If so, what are their names and how did you meet them? Not really recently, no. Would you rather see your favorite band/artist in concert with 2 other people or have a free $20,000 shopping spree to Walmart? Seeing Ozzy with my mom would be a DREAM, but to be realistic, I’d take the shopping spree pretty damn quickly. $20k? That would do WONDERS for us, especially as we’re about to move into a new place. When was the last time you threw up and why did you? A long time ago when I started a new medication. Do you want revenge on the person who has hurt you the most? … I’m gonna be REAL honest. For the most part, no. But ngl there are times I’m like “I’m gonna work on getting back in shape and become H O T” like a petty bitch lmao this is embarrassing to admit. Has anyone ever claimed that you saved their life? Yes. Did you ever have that near-drowning experience? No. Have you ever performed on stage? For dance, yes, but I never did a solo. Are you a jealous person? Not jealous (usually), but I’ve come to realize I’m a pretty envious piece of shit. Morning person or night person? I’m in my best mood in the morning because I have the “it’s a fresh start” ideology. Then I repeat exactly what I did the day before. :^) Have you ever written a poem for someone? Numerous times. Do you meditate? No, but I wish I could without it only causing more stress. Do you like cranberries that they serve for Thanksgiving? EW I hate cranberries. What don't you understand that frustrates you? Finances. Do you plan on going to college? I’ve tried college three times and dropped out each time. I’m done trying with school. Do you believe the governments hide technology and information from the public? AbsoFUCKINGlutely. Which is your favorite Pokemon? Ninetales! What horror fiction character scares you the most? What’s the name of the villain in the Scream series? Ghostface? I don’t feel like looking it up, but he TERRIFIED me as a kid, and I still think he’s mega creepy. Were you part of the Brownies/Cubs/Scouts/Guides etc? I was in Girl Scouts. Have you ever invented a fairly unique meal or drink? No. Do you have any family secrets? Don’t think so. Do you often read your horoscope? Never. They’re bullshit. Have you ever had a proper Tarot reading? No; also bullshit. Have you ever milked a cow? No. Do you love or hate rollercoasters? They’ve always scared me because I’m afraid of throwing up. Now with how dizzy I get, I absolutely refuse to try one because I WILL faint with all the movement. What’s your favorite sportswear brand? idc Who’s your favorite superhero? Does Deadpool count? Who’s your favorite villain/baddie? If we’re still in the comics/superhero universe, the Joker. Have you ever won a giant-sized cuddly toy from a fair? No. What would you say is your favorite album of all time? Black Rain by Ozzy Osbourne. I fucking adore it; it was my introduction to metal, and still after all this time, every track S L A P S. I deadass played that CD so much that it scratches at a few points. Do you dislike hairy people? lol fuck this question. I’m guessing you’re asking if I find them attractive and not as if people I “dislike” them, but in both cases, it’s no. We’re mammals, who the fuck cares how hairy you are. Do you like your own name? I actually do really like my name. My first one, anyway. Would you ever sign a Prenuptial agreement? NOPE. Want one? You’re gonna have to find someone else willing to, my man. How long has your longest ever phone call been? No less than two hours, but I know more. I have three instances in particular where I talked with either friends or Jason for SO long. Could you ever have an affair with a married person? Hell no. What is your family Christmas like? Nicole comes here so she and I open presents with Mom, then we spend the day at my older sister’s to be with the kids. We also try to squeeze visiting Dad in there the same day, but sometimes it has to be a different one. If you met a genie who offered you three wishes, what would you wish for? (more wishes does not count) Just three is hard… but #1 is indisputably world peace, and then uhhhh the end of poverty and maybe the cure for cancer. I’d have a super hard time picking a third; so many things matter to me. Have you ever had your national flag painted on your face? No, not in my plans. Do you have any strange body things? Well, define “strange,” I guess? Nothing like, really strange. What fairy tale character would you most associate with? Can I be Snow White and attract cute critters like moths to a flame? Also I would 100% take a Good apple. If a loved one was to serenade you, what song would you most like them to sing? It would depend on the person and our bond, really. Is there a cherished song between us? What is our relationship like? There’s no umbrella song I can think of. Is your dad an embarrassing dancer? GUYS!!!!!!!!!!! My sister’s wedding, okay? Father/daughter dance? He actually has MOVES and it was incredible man, never gonna forget that. What if any unusual objects have you swallowed? Nothing, I think. If you were stinking rich, would you only go to places other rich people went? Hell naw, man. There are plenty of great, affordable places in all categories. I could be a millionaire and you’d still see my ass in McDonald’s ordering a burger and fries lmao. Have you ever owned a slinky? My sisters and I had multiple as kids; those were d o p e. Teenage parents, good, bad, or indifferent? An AWFUL idea. A teenager is physically, most likely financially, and mentally unprepared to raise a child properly. It can seriously affect the kid, and of course the parent. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever broken? I’m unsure. Pirate downloads, good or bad? It’s bad… yet plenty (myself included) have/do do it. Democracy, good or bad? Good. It’s very important to me that rule should come from the people’s majority versus a small coalition of rich guys. While the majority is not always right, it seems like the best option to me. Communism, good or bad? Okay so to be totally honest I actually don’t entirely understand what communism outlines. Like I just read multiple definitions and small articles and I’m still kinda like “????”, though judging by the countries listed as those governed by communism, I would guess it’s bad? Have you ever been electrocuted? On an electric fence, but it wasn’t too bad. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same gender? Yeah. The war in Iraq, good or bad? Get the fuck out of it. To start with, I’m a pretty fierce pacifist, and just… killing and killing and killing for YEARS is so goddamn pointless and is just a massacre. The war in Afganistan, good or bad? jfc ^ Have you ever appeared on YouTube? LET’S NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS lmfao Have you ever eaten anything prepared by a celebrity chef? No,, but that’d be dope. Have you ever been on radio? No. Do you prefer male or female singers voices? ”Their gender doesn’t matter, but their talent does.” <<<< Do you have a list of things to do before your ‘x’ years old? Goals should not be judged by age. I’m bad at this and have to remind myself of it a lot. A goal is a goal regardless of a number. Celebrate for *you*. Are you proud, comfortable or ashamed of your body? Very very much ashamed. Do you know html? Super poorly. Have you ever flown first class? lol hunny What are better, violins or pianos? Violins. How old is your oldest blanket? As old as me. My baby blanket is stored somewhere. Do you take enough vacations? lol hell no. I’ve maybe gone on three vacations in my entire life. Have you ever been sick on your birthday? Yup. Then one time I was recovering from a wicked stomach virus but went to Olive Garden anyway lol. I was fine though, and it’s actually a sweet memory because Jason (he worked there at the time) got the staff to do the whole “happy birthday” thing. I got a bombin’ brownie. Who is your favorite person? Sara and my mom. What do you do to stay healthy? lol you assume I’m healthy. What is your favorite form of exercise? Swimming. Do you like going to church? I never did. As a kid, I would cry when/if Mom decided we were going to mass after Sunday school lmao. It’s always been boring and too long to me, even when I was religious. Have you ever fallen asleep during a sermon? Probably as a kid. Do you like to pray for others? No. I don’t believe anyone hears them or will intervene somehow if I ask anyway. Have you ever witnessed a miracle? No. I don’t think I believe in those anyway. Have you ever been the recipient of a miracle? Definitely not. How did you or whoever come up with the name(s) for your pet(s)? I thought “Roman” was a majestic name for a male cat, and Venus has the coloration that the planet does. Who did you last walk a dog with? Sara and I walked Buster the last time I was there. It was windy as SHIT so we didn’t get far because my ass was absolutely freezing, all the while Sara was used to it. Ride bikes with? Wow, good question. I haven’t ridden a bike in many, many years. Hold hands with? My friend Summer did yesterday when she was trying to reassure me of something. For what reason did you last high five someone? Ryder and Aubree each caught Pokemon in Pokemon GO. :’’’’) I was watching them in the car while my sister/their mom was doing something at work, and they wanted to play it; they’ve come to learn that between my phone and DS, I’m the Pokemon provider, lol. I was the proudest fucking aunt ever bc they did SO GOOD after getting the hang of throwing the ball like Y’ALL. When Ash came back to the car, I gave ‘em each high fives before getting back in. What color and type is your vehicle? Don’t have my own car. Looking to upgrade or add any time soon? I doubt I’ll have my own soon. What animal do you have the most possessions *of*, or featuring? Like, décor or stuffed animals, things like that? Not the actual living creature? Easily meerkats, holy shit do I have a collection. What do you use to wash your dishes? Gain soap. Last thing you measured? Uhhh idk. Last thing you weighed? Myself. Last song you danced to? *shrug* What do you remember from your dream last night? I just remember it was a nightmare about Dad being angry. How old were you when you got your first credit card? Lol I don’t have one. Do you talk to your parent(s) [almost] every day? Mom, yes. Dad, no, because we don’t live together. What does your shampoo and conditioner smell like? I just started using a Dove brand shampoo targeting dandruff, so I don’t think it has a specific smell. I don’t use conditioner, just adds grease to your hair, plus mine is short anyway. Last person to tell you that you smell good? Idk. Last person you told that they smell good? I also don’t know. If you smoke marijuana, what is your preferred or typical method? I’ve never touched it. Last person you ran into unexpectedly? Ummm idr. How many plants can you see right now? There’re none in my room. Last compliment you received on your appearance? HA On your character/personality? That I was a loving sister. Do you remain friends with anyone you met at your first job? N/A Who have you hugged in the past month? My mom, Summer, sisters, niece and nephew, Dad… Newest musical discovery? 3TEETH is great. Like, I'm obsessed. Their cover of “Pumped Up Kicks” snagged my attention, despite actually being iffy about it at first. Guess what I’m listening to this minute lmao. Last thing you cleaned? A cup. What exactly do you carry around all your stuff in? A purse. What do you carry around, typically? Phone, keys, wallet, hand sanitizer, and my iPod are items of note. Where is your newest scar? It’s on the palm of my left hand from Roman playing with me. Where is your oldest scar? Idk. Last thing you disposed of? The milk carton. What was the last picture someone sent you? Mom sent me a gif from Hocus Pocus to fit the witch photoshoot Summer, her friend, and I did. Did you hear a siren today? No. What do you typically drink? I would rather not pretend I tend to drink soda lmao Last bad news you heard? My aunt’s brother committed suicide a couple days ago. Last good news you heard? I don’t really know. How far away is the closest cinema from your house? It’s like, 15-ish minutes away. Have you ever been to the emergency room? Many times. Are you one of those people who can’t go without their morning coffee? Y’all know me and coffee. But in place, I have my morning Mountain Dew, rip in fucking pieces. Have you ever worn fake eyelashes? No, though I’m honestly curious what I’d look like. Do you know the story of how your parents met? If so, tell me? They were coworkers; that’s all I know. What is your favorite Chinese food? I love pork fried rice. Do you live far from your parents? I live with my Mom. I live around 20 minutes or so away from Dad. What was the last hot food you ate? I’m assuming you mean spicy as opposed to just hot as in temperature. In that case, probably hot wings. Have you ever seen a meteor shower? No. Describe your current position: I’m lying down in bed, just kinda perked up by my two pillows. Have you used a microwave today? Yes; I had a Jimmy Dean breakfast bowl. Do you prefer going out for coffee or brewing your own? N/A Have you consumed caffeine today? If so, in what form? yikes- Do you know anyone who follows a raw vegan diet and lifestyle? Not that I know of. Have you killed a bug this week? Yes; we’re dealing with a lovely mix of gnats and fleas. What was the first food you learned how to cook? Scrambled eggs. Or maybe pancakes with Mom’s assistance. Idr. Do you have a Bachelor’s degree? If so, what in? No. How many email accounts do you have? Two. Can you go see a doctor alone or do you like to take someone with you? I like my mom to be with me. How long is your average shower? 15 minutes, maybe? It depends on the routine I feel like doing. When’s the last time you had a headache? Yesterday. What woke you up this morning? I think I woke up naturally? A rare occasion nowadays. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Summer, yesterday.

[melodiouswhite]

Oh No, Emotions! Ch. 08

8. Tutoring, traumata and fears

(Warning: discussion of harrowing topics like pedophilia)

Edwina had run away from her foster home at the age of ten and fallen out of school only a short time later. Needless to say, her educational gap was huge.

She had tried to make up for it as best as she could.

Every time she'd managed to scratch together enough money to get herself at least one meal for the day, she had spent the remainder at the library, burying herself under stacks of books.

But of course that hadn't been every day and so she wasn't as up to date, as she would have liked. And at some point she had got to know a group of academics who had ended up on the streets. They had taught her a thing or two and she had listened to them more eagerly than most children would have.

But then she had landed in prison. She had been almost eighteen, so they hadn't bothered with prison schooling. They obviously had thought she was irredeemably stupid. It was so frustrating.

And there were so many things she had never learned anything about.

She hardly knew how modern technology worked. Of course not, after all she had never owned any.

After a while, she had just stopped bothering about it. What good was learning, if she would never be able to use it. Homeless people didn't get jobs. Ex-convicts weren't engaged by anyone either.

But now that she had a home, it was different.

Everyone in this house was intellectual.

Henry and Hastie were both medical doctors, Gabriel was a lawyer, Luise had several PhDs in various fields of psychology and the employees in this house were highly educated as well.

She felt like an uneducated wallflower next to them.

So one day she asked Luise, if it was possible for her to take up her education again.

“Now that I have a home, I want to go to school again”, she told her, “But I've missed so much in the last ten years, that I can't show my face there. So, if I could get some tutoring … I know I can do it! I'm smart, I can prove it!”

Luise considered for a moment. Then she smiled. “Of course, I know that you're smart. In fact, you're a genius. The prison psychologists sent me your files. I will ask Henry to tutor you, while he's on a holiday, until I can find you good tutors. My servants will give you basic lessons on their native languages. As for me, if you need a real psychologist…”

Edwina hated psychologists.

But not this one.

Henry was surprised, when Luise approached him with the request to give their new lodger tutoring in science, mathematics and other subjects.

Even though he was a professor and had taught at the Royal Academy for a few years, he had given up his post. Students were just so frustratingly unruly and unmotivated these days. The educational system wasn't good either, in his opinion. Besides, being a gynaecologist and radiologist was much better paid and more motivating.

But then again, it wasn't like he had anything to do over his remaining holidays.

So he agreed.

There was just one problem.

As a professor and former university teacher, he was used to having fully educated students. But Edwina had the educational level of a sixth grader, despite being already twenty.

Henry wasn't used to having to consider that.

“What if I expect too much of her?”, he asked worriedly, “What if she doesn't know something and I get impatient and pushy? I never taught primary-school pupils, not to mention school drop-outs!”

Luise chuckled. “Don't worry, chap. The girl knows more than you think. She's intelligent, curious and motivated. You will enjoy teaching her.”

Then the German briefed him in on what the young woman needed to learn, before she could go back to school properly.

Edwina was as ecstatic as she was anxious. She knew that Henry was a professor in addition to his many doctorates. She couldn't believe that he actually had agreed to help her catch up!

What a privilege!

But what if she disappointed him? What if he would think she was-

“Edwina?”

She blinked.

Henry was looking at her with concern. “Are you alright, dear?”

Edwina blushed. “O-oh yes, yes, I'm fine, I-”

She stopped short. “Wait. Did you just call me 'dear'?”

The doctor blushed harder than she did and stumbled over his words.

“I … I … did I? So-sorry, I didn't mean to – argh, how weird of me! What the hell was I thinking, already going to – oh crap, that's awkward!”

At that, Edwina could only laugh. That man was so adorable!

“It's fine”, she giggled, “It just surprised me, that's all. Shall we start?”

Awkwardly, her new teacher scratched the back of his neck. “O-of course. We'll begin with mathematics and see how far you're there.”

Not to be offensive, but Henry was pleasantly surprised, when he saw that Luise had been right.

For someone who had dropped out of school at the age of ten, Edwina was rather knowledgeable. She was quite advanced in natural sciences and mathematics and really loved the subjects. She was also a talented artist (unlike a certain telepath he knew) and had a solid grammar.

Sure, she knew next to nothing about modern communication devices, but that was okay. He too was still struggling to adapt. Those blasted smartphones got new useless additions and apps at least once a year (it was maddening!). One of the others would help her with that.

Henry also suspected that sexual education would be problematic. And indeed, her face became stone, as soon as he brought it up. But Edwina took a deep breath and told him to continue. She was obviously revolted by the topic. Nevertheless, she pushed through and forced herself to listen, which was as admirable as it was sad. He did his best to sound as neutral and professional as possible. But failed miserably in the face of all the first hand experiences she was able to supply.

She looked visibly disturbed, when he burst into tears.

“Henry, what the hell-?!”

“Don't judge me!”, he sobbed, “How else am I supposed to react to something like that?!”

She sighed: “Look, it's fine-”

“Don't give me that crap!”, he snapped angrily, “Don't tell me that it's fine! It's not fine! How can you expect me to be calm after hearing about you going through shit like that?! How can you be so calm about it?!”

She rolled her eyes. Damn, what a crybaby!

He dried his tears and rasped: “Forgive me … I'm such a terrible teacher. I should be able to handle that shit and still I burst into fucking tears over it.”

She noticed the self-loathing in his voice and statement – and hated it. He shouldn't hate himself, just for being emotional.

Something deep inside told her that she should hug him tightly and pat his back. First he stiffened in surprise. But then he relaxed and hugged her back.

“Hey, it's okay”, she muttered, “At least you care. I've heard people talk about it, who obviously didn't give a shit. It's okay to be a crybaby, as long as you care.”

She felt him heave a heavy sigh and his hug tightened, as if he was clinging to her for emotional support.

“Oh, Edwina … I'm such a mess …”

She rubbed circles on his back and mumbled: “It's okay. I'm a mess too.”

Henry sighed once more, then he let go of her. “Thank you”, he whispered and stroked her hair.

The brunette blushed a little, but shrugged it off.

“Sure. Now, let's continue. With the lesson, I mean.”

For a moment, the tall blond blinked in confusion. Then he caught on.

“Oh, yes, yes. Now where was I? Oh, right. Well, since we covered prostitution, STDs, the laws on sexuality and consent (or lack thereof), I think we should move on to something less … harrowing. So we'll begin to talk about gender and sexual and romantic orientations today and cover it in detail in the next days.”

Now that was a topic she could find interest in.

“That lesson was a catastrophe!”, Henry groaned later, during a conversational therapy session with Luise. “Absolutely horrid! I was such an idiot! And so unprofessional! Here I thought I could talk about that topic as calmly as any teacher would … but when she provided first hand examples of underage prostitution, it just … broke me. I bawled my eyes out right in front of her. I should have comforted her and instead she had to comfort me!”

He buried his face in his hands. “Reminds me of the other reason I quit my old job … I just can't be a good role model for shit!”

Luise shook her head. “Henry, don't beat yourself up over it. You cried, because this is a disturbing topic and because it made you upset, that she has gone through so much crap. This has nothing to do with you being too soft or Schwachsinn* like that. Any decent person would flip their wit over that and Edwina knows it. I think she felt better knowing, that you hate the thought of someone hurting and using her.”

“I do”, he whispered. “She deserves the best things in the world! Not this shit! No one does!”

“No”, Luise agreed. “No one deserves this at all.”

“I reminded her of it all, just because I failed to choose subjects wisely.”

“Henry-”

“I'm so fucking stupid! What the fuck made me think that talking about that subject would be a good idea?! Now I've torn her old wounds open! All I do is hurt her!”

“Henry, don't go there-”

“I made her cry the other day.”

“Henry-”

“Why am I this way? Can I ever not hurt people?”

“Henry, nein**.”

“I'm so horrible and messed up, I bet she thinks that I'm a psycho, I-”

“Henry, stop it!”

“What if she ends up like him? What if something happens to her and it's my fault-”

“HENRY, STOP IT!!!”, she yelled, making him wince.

“Entschuldige***”, she sighed and took his hand. “But Henry, please. How often do I have to tell you-”

“I know, I know”, he interrupted her impatiently, “You think that it wasn't my fault and that he wouldn't want-”

“I know that it wasn't your fault! And that he wouldn't want this! I've been trying to tell you this for twenty years!”

The doctor slammed his hand on the table. “You're digressing, dammit!”

“Am not! I'm trying to help you, Henry! But you don't listen to me! How can I help you, if you refuse to listen?!”

Hearing the distress in her voice, he froze. He hadn't meant to make her upset, she knew that.

Luise gave him and herself a few minutes to calm down, before she continued sadly: “He loved you, Henry. He adored you. He wanted you to be happy. To see how much you suffer because of him, how you blame yourself for his death, that would break his heart.”

“He died of a broken heart!”, Henry croaked. “And it was my fault!”

“Henry, please don't do that to yourself”, Luise pleaded. She opened her arms. He came around the table, sank onto his knees and cried into her lap.

After over twenty years, he still wasn't over his death. Worse, he had developed some extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms. It ranged from anxiety attacks to hearing their late friend's voice in his head. Yes, Henry still heard his voice and talked to him, as if he was still alive. And for that he hated himself, among other things.

And now there was Edwina.

The German knew that Henry recognised his late friend in the tiny brunette, when he looked at her. They all did and that was no wonder; Edwina was his spitting image, safe for her healthy constitution (he had been far more fragile), her feral, piercing eyes and the dark rims around them.

Luise didn't believe in such coincidences. And even if she did, there was no way this was one. Except for Edwina herself, they all knew. Luise and Gabriel knew, but never brought it up. Hastie knew, but suffered in silence (except for when alone with Luise). Henry knew, but couldn't handle it at all.

“It's not fair”, he blubbered, “I try so hard to see her, not him! But when she's happy, she has the exact same glow in her eyes and then she smiles just the way he used to! It hurts so much! She makes me feel so young and alive again, it's like I need her, I don't know, but every time she's upset, because of something I do, it's like I'm reminded of my old mistakes all over again and I don't want to fail her, like I failed him-”

“Shhhh”, Luise cooed and stroked his hair. “You didn't fail him. The last four years of his life were the happiest, because you and we others were there, remember?”

“He would be so disappointed”, the doctor sobbed, “I'm not the man he looked up to!”

“No, you're not”, she confirmed. “But even if he saw you now, he would never be disappointed in you. And Henry?”

He looked up with teary eyes.

“She isn't disappointed in you either.”

The taller blond just cried harder.

The telepath sighed sadly: “You know, I think that you two have to talk later. Talk it out before dinner and settle the matter, okay? We can't have the two of you engage in self-flagellation because of one small misstep.”

Gabriel had no idea, what the heck was going on.

But when he came into the lounge, he was practically tackled by a distraught Edwina, who kept panicking about hurting Henry-

Wait, what?!

Okay, he told himself, don't jump to conclusions, keep your calm.

“What happened?”, he demanded to know.

Then she told him in detail about the tutoring of the day. At first he was confused, but when she got to the Sex-Ed lesson and what had happened, he understood.

“I thought, that giving some first-hand experiences would be a good idea”, Edwina blubbered, “But it just made him cry and I ruined everything! And then he hated himself, because he cried in front of me, but it wasn't even his fault! I should never talk about myself again, every time I do it makes him cry!”

“Edwina, calm down-”

“I hate it! I hate when he's upset! I don't want him to hurt, especially not because of me!”

“Edwina!”

He hugged her and gently patted her back.

“Edwina, please stop. Don't do that to yourself. You just wanted to be a good student and prove that you understand the topic. Henry knows that. He wasn't upset because of you.”

“How do you know?”, she asked doubtfully, “You weren't there.”

“No, but I know my husband. In fact, I have known him for forty years. Knowing him, he thinks that he hurt you and is flagellating himself for even talking about the subject.”

“That's stupid”, she muttered.

Gabriel frowned. “But it did hurt you, didn't it? Why didn't you just ask him to stop? He would have stopped immediately, if you had told him that it makes you uncomfortable.”

The brunette buried her face in his chest, which made it a bit hard to make out what she was saying.

“I … I thought it would help … to face that shit head-on. Confrontation therapy or something like that.”

The lawyer shook his head. “Edwina, listen. If you want to confront your demons, that's fine. But Henry is the wrong person to do that with. He's not a psychotherapist and has himself a whole bundle of issues to deal with. We all have problems, but Luise is the one who can handle them best. She's a professional psychotherapist and she can help you. But not Henry. In fact, he's one of her patients, or clients, as she calls them.”

At his mild reproach Edwina seemed to shrink in his arms.

“I'm sorry”, she whimpered unhappily, “I didn't mean to …”

“Hey now”, Gabriel spoke softly and ran his fingers through her hair. Luise had told him that this would be fine and indeed, Edwina didn't show any signs of discomfort.

“Everybody makes mistakes. Just talk it out, when you see him. Determine some rules for the future tutoring and establish boundaries to avoid what happened today. Apologise to each other and everything will be fine. There is nothing quite like good communication to solve that kind of problem.”

She looked up to him tearfully. Somehow she looked a lot like an abandoned puppy or a kitten. A twenty-year-old kitten with a long criminal record, but that didn't matter anymore. Suddenly he was feeling a very strong urge to protect this girl. To ease her grief, help her wounds heal and wash her scars away.

“You're not in trouble”, he assured her with a kind smile. “Henry won't be angry or even think less of you, just because of this. He doesn't hate people just for telling him off. In fact, Luise and Hastie do it all the time. They're still his best friends.”

“What about you?”, she asked curiously.

“I don't argue with my husband about things I don't understand”, he stated with a shrug.

Edwina blinked. “Oh. Okay.”

Her mood seemed to brighten up considerably and she finally wound herself out of his hug.

“Feeling better now”, she muttered. “I'll go and talk to him and then we can-”

“Edwina! Gabriel!”

They looked to the door and who else would enter but Henry, followed by a serious Luise.

Gabriel went up to his husband to greet him and, as always, received a hug and a kiss.

“Welcome home, love”, Henry cooed sweetly.

“Hello, sweetheart”, the lawyer replied, “Edwina just told me what happened earlier.”

Henry's smile vanished immediately. “Has she now …”

Edwina's heart twisted a little, when the tall blond turned to her.

But ere she should issue her apology, he beat her to it: “Edwina, I owe you a thousand apologies. I should never even have brought up a topic that obviously causes you grief. I have no idea what I was thinking, but all of this could have been avoided, if I just had let it be, at least for now. Neither of us was ready for it and I should have known this beforehand.”

Awkwardly she scratched the back of her neck.

“Apology accepted. And sorry too. I should've just asked ya to stop and talk about something else. It's just that no one has ever cared before about what I wanted, that's why I didn't say anything. Let's just … not speak of this again. Uhm … would you … still keep teaching me?”, she asked shyly.

Henry blinked in obvious astonishment.

Then he smiled happily. “Of course, Edwina.”

Damn, she loved that smile.

“… so, before we step over to romantic orientations, do you have questions?”

“Yes, actually”, Edwina said, “If a person doesn't identify as a man or woman, but are attracted to men or women, what does that make them? I mean, these people wouldn't be gay or straight, right?”

“There are also the terms 'androphilia' – the attraction towards men – and 'gynophilia' – the attraction towards women. What's the matter, Edwina?”, he asked worriedly, when she cringed.

She lowered her head. “Sorry, it's just … I don't like the suffix 'philia'.”

He frowned. “Because you associate it with … that, isn't it? I see … well, perhaps I should elaborate on what that word actually means, before we continue.”

The word 'philia' came from ancient Greece and simply meant 'love'. It was meant to describe friendship, or a love for things that didn't necessarily have to be of sexual or romantic nature. It was, for example, also used for organisms that thrived in certain environments or substances that reacted well to others.

“I can see, why the word has such a negative association for you, but you need to understand that it's a very broad term. After all, the English word 'love' also applies to an endless variety of things. The same goes for the opposite number, 'phobia'. Do you understand?”

She nodded.

Of course Henry knew, that she would always think of that one thing, when she heard that suffix. That was something he was all too familiar with.

He stacked his papers and put them into his bag.

“That should do it for today. We will cover romantic orientations tomorrow-”

“Henry?”

He stopped in his movements. “Yes?”

“You mentioned phobia. Do you always associate it with a certain thing?”

He hesitated. Then he admitted: “I do. With several, actually. I'm sure Gabriel already told you, but … I'm scared of quite a lot of things. Of some to the point, where it's a real phobia. The others have their fears too. That's what I think of, when I hear that word.”

Edwina looked hesitant and curious at the same time.

Henry knew what she was going to ask, before she asked it.

“I know, it's none of my business, but what kind of phobias do you have?”

For a moment he debated, whether he should tell her or not. But since she was their lodger and lived with them now, he couldn't find a reason not to. After all, they knew everything about each other. And Edwina belonged to their family now.

So he began: “I'll start with Luise. She's terribly afraid of injections and surgery. Several of us have to hold her arm, before Hastie can even vaccinate her. And he is the only one, because he's her husband and she trusts him unconditionally.”

Edwina stared at him with huge eyes. “They're married?! But I never saw them wear wedding bands!”

Henry had to grin. “They don't wear them on their fingers. If you ask either of them, you will learn that they're wearing them somewhere else.”

“Where?!”

She looked so hopeful and curious, that he could only chuckle and shake his head.

“Really, Edwina, your focus changes so quickly, once something new catches your attention!”

The brunette blinked. Then she laughed awkwardly: “Oh yeah … uh, go on.”

“Gabriel has crippling acrophobia. Fear of heights”, he explained, when she looked confused.

“Hastie is afraid of tight places, being stared at and being touched by strangers.”

“And you?”

Henry hesitated. He knew that he was exposing himself to the young woman. But there was no going back now.

“Like I said, I'm scared of a lot of things. Failure, imperfection, being alone, doing unforgivable things, loss. But most of all …”

He swallowed and took a deep breath.

“… I'm afraid of myself.”

Edwina had needed a while to let that sink in. Partly, because it was a rather shocking revelation (at least to her) but mainly, because he had immediately ended the lesson after making that confession.

She was now sitting in her room over the biology and chemistry exercises he had given her. But they were already done (it had been child's play) and now her thoughts were somewhere else.

Fear was a strange thing.

On one hand it was seen as a weakness. On the other, it was necessary in order to survive.

Of course, some fears and aversions were so stupid or easy to exploit, that they became a bane to humanity as a whole.

But what was Edwina herself scared of?

She was afraid to die. And of opening up to someone, only to be used and hurt.

Speaking of which … it hadn't escaped her how Henry had hesitated, before he had admitted to his own fears. She found that she understood it.

Admitting that you were frightened of something was hard.

For a moment, Edwina wanted to go downstairs and speak to Luise.

Then she remembered, that the older woman was a conversational therapist and most likely had a patient right now.

“Where is her office anyway?”, she muttered and put her school work away.

“It's on the ground floor”, a voice whispered, “But she isn't there right now.”

Edwina jumped and shrieked in horror.

“Calm down, calm down!”, the voice cried hurriedly. “It's only me!”

Edwina's face flushed in anger, when Aoimoku turned herself visible next to the door.

“WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!”, she yelled, “YOU SCARED ME OUT OF MY WITS!!! What are you doing in my room anyway?”

The Japanese looked ashamed.

Good. She should be, Edwina thought angrily.

“Please don't shout at me, Miss. I just wanted to see, if the sheets or curtains have to be changed”, the Asian said awkwardly. “Did you not hear me knock?”

“No”, the brunette snarled, still clutching her chest. “Next time I don't respond to the knocking, knock louder! Don't just sneak into my room like a creep! Jesus Christ!”

“I'm sorry, I really am”, the handmaid apologised sheepishly. “Please don't tell onee-san. I don't want to get into trouble.”

Onee-san? That had to be Luise.

“Fine”, Edwina grumbled, “Just don't pull that crap again. It's not funny. Also, I found those musical scores, can you help me with them? I have trouble reading the music sheets.”

Aoimoku smiled. “No problem, onee-san has too. Show them to me and I will explain.”

Never would the brunette have imagined, that she would get a lesson in musical notation from the Japanese handmaid of a German noblewoman.

Or learn how to play Mozart on piano.

But like hell she would say no to that!

Luise was delighted, when she heard, that Edwina was enjoying Aoimoku's piano lessons.

She was a lot less delighted however, when she found out, that Aoimoku had told the younger woman of her inability to read music sheets.

Gabriel, Henry and Hastie were playing board games in the lounge together, when they heard the German's angry voice screaming for her first handmaid.

“What happened now?”, Henry wondered.

Hastie shrugged: “Dunno, but I don't want to be in Aoimoku's shoes.”

The others nodded in sympathy and took a few seconds to pity the poor woman, before going back to their game.

Luise was a difficult mistress and everyone knew this.

---

*Schwachsinn - German for: nonsense, balderdash

**nein - no

***Entschuldige - I’m sorry.

[fairycosmos]

chloe i agree 1005 w your post about makeup. its so fucking stupid and we all know why we feel the need to wear it (hardly ever fun purposes) but i wear it everyday when i go to public places and i feel so guilty but i just honestly get treated with kindness from boys now and they used to bully me so im so conflicted what i should do bc makeup has become a shield to protect myself :( anyways i wanted to ask u how do u deal with this? do you wear makeup? love you

to be honest i still haven't found an all encompassing answer but!! i think if you look at the relationship you have with your body as a mentality that has been ingrained into you from a young age, and not as something you need to feel guilty for, then it's easier to come to terms with your insecurities. the world counts on your self hatred just as it counts on mine. it's not your fault that girls are only seen as human if we meet a certain standard and it's not your fault that sexism exists. i don't blame you at all for wanting to live a peaceful and happy life, for wanting validation. when you're a woman, how you look seems to determine whether or not you experience those things. :/ but ultimately the blame is not on those who wear makeup, it is on those (companies, influencers, cooperations) who dehumanise us - even indirectly, even just through implications - simply for existing in our natural state. yeah i wear it, even knowing it's a whole scam. because the years i spent being taught to literally despise myself have not disappeared just because now im old enough to comprehend the logistics behind it. the shame runs deep, intercepts with other factors such as lack of money n mental illness. they set it up that way. it is malicious, we should be upset. being aware of it is a good place to start but it doesn't solve everything.

that being said here are a few things that helped me a bit:

a. try to remain bare faced at least two days out of the week. familiarise yourself with your natural appearance n acknowledge that it is nothing to be ashamed of, nor does it define you.

b) periodically remind yourself of the extent of consumerist and makeup culture. you're just another customer in the eyes of those who make u feel bad. it has nothing to do with how you look and everything to do with making money. recognize that. understand how truly ridiculous it is to be expected to buy this shit/meet these ideals. it's very freeing. they want it to seem like contentment is impossible, so you keep buying. that's their business model.

c. control your online space. try not to follow people who are simply walking advertisments. there are thousands of artists and cool creators to focus on instead. if you're constantly being fed these falsified images of performative life styles, your existence will never feel up to par because it is real and unedited.

d. work on self neutralisation if self love is too hard. your mouth is unconcerned with beauty, it's there so you can eat and breathe. your legs don't care about being slim, they're getting you from one place to the next. your body is working hard to keep you healthy, to carry you through the world. it deserves some appreciation for that. it's not just your friend, it's you as much as your soul is you. try to go easy on yourself even if it feels like a lie.

e. self reflect. if you catch yourself thinking less of someone bc of how they look, examine where that urge comes from n try to deconstruct it.

anyway this got too long and it's very messy but im so. tired of being marketed to, shamed, consumed, sexualised, scorned etc and i believe......if we just take back control in any way we can, even through the smallest of efforts, then we will notice a difference. apparently just leaving the front door with a fresh face is a radical act. and even if at the start you can only manage to do that a few times a month, at least you're trying. we'll spend our whole lives purging ourselves of toxic messages bro. it's ok for it to take time. the dualism of 'i want to be hot' vs 'i want to feel comfortable being myself' is something a lot of people struggle with, but the latter will win if you want it to. because there is no choice but to accept yourself when you realize this is a cultural game we're supposed to die trying to win. boys and the world will have to suck it up. literally WHAT is the alternative

[bracefacefreak]

Beware long post below. Just some thoughts I had whilst I was re-reading twilight...... 

1) Sarcastic Bella is love. Sarcastic Bella is life. 2)  No one can take away my headcanon black!Emmett with gorgeous tightly curled hair. Plus this means that he can totally teach Jasper about racism and why fighting for the Confederates was WRONG and they can support anti-racism charities together.  3) Jess’s little comment about Esme not being able to have children makes me so sad. 4) Ok, so Carlisle is a freaking surgeon. Like he spends his days elbows deep in people’s abdominal cavities. I have even more respect for him now if that’s possible.  5) Charlie’s lil crush on the Cullens is tots cute.  6) Wasted vampire trope #1 - the base instinctual fear that all human characters have around vampires, even though they can’t understand it.  7) Apparently Alice doesn’t give a shit about appearing human 8) Cute sibling moments-why didn’t we get these in the films? 9) What was the whole ‘electric current’ sensation that passed between Edward and Bella in science class? Is that ever explained? Do vampires conduct electricity now?  10) God damn it Charlie Swan, stop being precious. Also the fact Bella gets so choked up about her dad putting snow chains on her truck makes me so sad. Poor girl. 

11) “No blood, no foul.” Not even trying to subtle are you Edward.  12) “...the doctor was in on it.” Literally almost fell over laughing. Poor darling Carlisle.  13) God, I forget all the angry scowling and even angrier silences.  14) I fucking love Bella’s petty inner monologue about rear-ending Ed’s volvo. Girl after my own heart.  15) Sam Uley-totally forgot he was only 19!  20) So Carlisle has been coming to forks for centuries. Even before the first settlers reached there. Interesting little fact nugget.  21) Angela is GAY! FFS Smeyer.  22) Bella’s equally petty inner monologue about non-fatally wounding Tyler so he can’t take her to the dance. This girl is a mood.  23) You know Emmett absolutely rinsed Edward about all his mooning and pining during their hunting trip. I’m talking about made up ridiculous cringe-worthy joke poetry about Bella’s eyebrows and some rather grotesque smooching faces.  24) “We all like to drive fast.” I totally headcanon that Esme is a fucking terrifying driver, after all she has shit to do-crazy vamp kids to keep in check, houses to restore, a very pretty husband to bone.  25) So much unsubtle foreshadowing. 26) “Grizzly is Emmett’s favourite.” This is 100% Emmett’s revenge on bear-kind for his almost-demise.  27) Wasted vampire trope #2 - vampires are able to communicate in tones too low and too high for humans to hear. Other animals however are a different matter. It’s not unusual for private conversation to be interrupted by baying dogs and the irritated meows of cats.  28) Why can Bella see blue veins in Edward’s arms? He doesn’t have blood? Did you even proofread this Smeyer? 29) Edward’s fears about facing Esme - I can just imagine Carlisle coming home to find Esme holding Edward there in a headlock, before looking up and saying your father’s here now, lets talk. Also poor Carlisle having to face Esme that evening and tell her Ed’s gone.  30) Wasted vampire trope #3 - the what Edward talks about his human feelings being hidden deep beneath his stronger vampire ones. I don’t feel we get to see much of this except for a few episodes of over-protectiveness and growling. This could have been much more interesting.  31) I would pay good money to hear more about Carlisle and Esme’s increasingly ridiculous and disastrous plots to try and get Edward and Rosalie together.  I mean we think of them as the wise, mature adults but we all know that the Cullen children get some of their crazy from their parents.  32) I want an AU where Alice didn’t get her visions of Jasper and the Cullens and went absolutely feral, when the Cullens do run into her it’s as an enemy who they eventually persuade to their way of life.....or not.  33) Jasper’s gift is absolutely terrifying....I mean being able to manipulate people’s emotions, get them to feel what you want and by extension behave as you want. Ed even says he can use it on a crowd. That’s like supervillain level.  34) “You are mythical after all.” Ok so now I want an extended world of fantasy/horror/mythical beings. I’m talking mermaids/sirens, fay folk, ghosts etc. Make Forks like Gravity Falls or something. Please.  35) Edward whiny bitch Cullen repeatedly asking Bella if she’s going to tell her Dad that he’s her boyfriend. And if you think he stops doing this once their married, you’re wrong.  36) Edward’s forehead kisses are tots something he learned from watching Esme and Carlisle. I will die for this headcanon.  37) Edward tasting Bella’s tears. WTF!? WHY? WHAT AM I READING SMEYER!? 38) Carlisle found a real vampire nest at 23 years of age. He is canonically too clever for his own good. FFS sweety.  39) I forgot how much I enjoyed the part with Carlisle’s backstory. Also my poor bby boy suffered through his transformation without making a single noise. Even human!Carlisle had the self control of a saint.  40) Wasted vampire trope #4 - I know this has been mentioned before but the whole, vampires don’t need to breathe and get no relief from it but do it as habit. What other human habits and sensations do they have which have been altered by their transformation. 41) Aro and Carlisle playing tricks to try and get each other to drink from the other’s food source. It didn’t work cause of vamp smell obviously. I know I write this as if it’s playful, but we all knows Aro was a total bitch about it.  42) Edwin. Charlie Swan you are precious. Never change.  43) WHY DIDN’T WE GET TO SEE ALICE AND EMMETT HOLD HANDS IN THE FILMS! 44) “Occassionally Esme would call them to order.” I would pay good money to see this. Also does ‘ that include them’ include Carlisle? 45) Edward muttering a string of swear words both old and new, in multiple languages under his breath is a mood I recognise.  46) “Esme and Carlisle, they’ll have to leave, to hide forever!”.....”We’ve been there before.” I want this and every story of all the stupid reasons why the Cullens have had to flee the state/country in the past. Carlisle sometimes wonders whether all the trouble is worth it. This never happened when he was on his own. 47) I am unsurprisingly very much in favour of growling, snarling Alice Cullen.  48) Why does Bella have a secret cash hoard?  Is that normal? Is it in case Renee’s dealers turn up demanding money? (Can you tell I’m not a Renee fan.) 49) Of course Esme installed fucking bombproof shutters on their house. My girl is so freaking extra.  50) How many speeding tickets have the Cullens collected over the years?  51) “He seems to stay just far enough away that I can’t hear what he’s thinking..” Was this just coincidence or did James somehow know about Ed’s power? 52) Alice sketches her visions sometimes - it’s something Esme taught her because sometimes her visions are so weird or disturbing or exhausting that Alice can’t voice them herself. So Esme came up with this way to try and help her get it out.  53) Wasted vampire trope #5 - vampires can speak so fast that humans can’t understand them. Just imagine Bella wandering in on a family discussion at the Cullen house and all she can hear is a high pitched squeaking because everyone is talking super fast.  54) Alice’s backstory makes me so sad 55) “Alice had a bit too much fun fabricating the evidence.” Ok, so two things: one, I absolutely wish we could have seen Alice destroying shit and two, I still don’t understand how they managed to convince anyone Bella fell down a flight of stairs, like did they have to push her down the stairs to ensure it looked realistic, did Ed spend ages artistically placing her in a suitable position. How did this work? 56) Also love that everyone just accepted that Bella would fall down stairs and through a window, she’s just that much of a clutz.  57) Also they stole a car and burned down a dance studio. The Cullens should have started a crime family, they wouldn’t have been good at it but it would have been hilarious.  58) Bella should have grown up with Charlie. End of. Renee sucks.  59) Charlie is absolutely crushing on Carlisle and I love it. 

[houseofvans]

ART SCHOOL | Q&A with DETH P. SUN

Influenced by the works of Richard Scarry, Charles Schultz, and the likes of Tove Jannson, artist Deth P. Sun’s interest in art and zines started early on–from drawing everything in an encyclopedia to creating his first zine in high school. From that point on, Deth has been a prolific painter, zine maker, and doodler, focused on making his art on his own terms. With his central hero– a genderless cat – Deth explores various  natural and strange worlds through a subtle narrative, created by his brushwork, ambiguity, and color palettes. 

Find out more about Deth’s art, his wordless storytelling, and what inspires him by taking the leap below. 

Photographs courtesy of the artist.

Introduce yourself?   My name is Deth P. Sun, I’m an artist living in a tiny coastal town in Northern California, but most of my adult life was spent in the Bay Area, primarily in Oakland and Berkeley. I tell people I’m Cambodian, which is mostly true.

When did you begin having an interest in art and painting? How or why do you think you gravitated towards this profession? I’ve always enjoyed drawing, I think I kind of like getting better at it and learning about new things that are centered around that. It’s one of the cheaper hobbies to get started in as a kid. It’s not really a thing I think about too much these days. Mostly I wonder how my life was set by my 17 year old self.

How do you describe your work to people who maybe unfamiliar with it? Until I moved to this town I live in now, I kind of never had to. Mostly because I don’t meet new people outside of my circle. I just tell people I’m a graphic artist. If they want more info I just stare at them blankly because I think it’s kind of rude to ask strangers what they do for a living.

There are various aspects to your paintings from being narrative and storytelling to those that feature various painted objects and natural things. Can you tell us a little bit about the narrative elements of your works and how that came about? Yeah, I just like suggesting that there’s a narrative with my work, which isn’t that hard as long as you don’t stray too much from your pallette or reuse images to find in each painting. I kind of like seeing a whole set of paintings, that’s when you sense that there is a story.

When did you protagonist character start to take shape? How did that evolve and come-about? I’ve just always drew a character like that. Probably in high school. It’s been so long I don’t really remember. It probably came from my sketchbook. Most of my sketchbooks are kind of boring because it was just me repeatedly drawing the same stuff until I got better at it. I think I was trying to draw a cat and I drew something else that I liked.

In some of your other works, you paint collections of items from food, mushrooms, crystals to swords and old style cell phones. How did these paintings originate for you? Were you finding yourself sketching certain things that you read about or were you just obsessed with a certain object that week? My parents taught themselves English using Richard Scarry books so they were the first books I had my hands on. It’s just pages and pages of him drawing things with words describing what they were underneath. When I was younger I had this project where I’d take an encyclopedia and try drawing everything in it. I think I only got to M. Also when I was kid while drawing in my sketchbook I would just run out of stuff to draw so I’d go room to room drawing everything in each room.

It was just a thing to kill time.

How has where you live and its landscape influenced the work you create?  What’s your favorite thing about residing there? I guess it does a little, but I think I drew the stuff and then when I got here, I liked it a lot, so I ended up on this tiny coastal town on the bluffs. I started drawing weird epic landscapes after watching a bunch of Swedish films a few years ago.

What was your last adventure or walk through your neighborhood that showed up in one of your work, thematically or just visually? One time a friend invited me to a barbeque. They lived near the train tracks a couple of miles from me, so I walked up the tracks passed the cemetery and over a few tressel bridges. It was really nice walk. Met a turtle. They had to come down and get me because I didn’t know the path to their house, and it was getting dark.

What IS your favorite thing to draw or paint? Do you have an UNfavorite thing to draw or paint? I like drawing pineapples. I hate when strangers ask me to draw them. I want to punch them in the face.

When did you start picking up the paint brush and taking your works to the canvas? What do you enjoy about painting vs. drawing? The first time I painted was in my high school art class, I think like most other Americans. I was using tempera, so it sucked. But I started buying acrylic soon after. I think painting and drawing is kind of the same thing, or least I just paint like I’m drawing. I don’t think it was a strange transition.

What’s a typical day like for you at home and in the studio? What’s your process like? I fill out internet orders sometimes, or a wholesale order. Sometimes I draw. Mostly I get up and look at my email and go, “I have a lot of stuff to do and this is gonna suck”. I don’t really multitask, so it’s usually me filling out orders for 8 hours and trying to get to the post office before 4:30 while watching dumb shit on the internet, or me helping a friend screen print in my garage, or if I have a show just ignoring everything else in life and painting for two months.

A few years ago I kind of got burnt out of making a living with just painting. So I was like maybe I should make more t-shirts and prints. So I ended up moving to Fort Bragg and screenprinting more stuff and making more drawings toward that. But now my days are filled with me screen printing and filling out small orders or hanging out on my computer photoshopping all day. So now I’m in some other kind of hell.

What are your go-to art tools? A Pilot Hi-Tec C (They’re called G-Tec 4s in other places) pen. I use the .4, but should probably switch to .5. You have to have a light touch with them or else they’ll jam. 

Right now I enjoy using Mitsubishi pencils, but the cheap Mirado Black Warrior pencil you can get at most stationary store is just as good.

Been filling a sketchbook using Opaque markers. Posca’s are pretty good, but the color choices are limited, so I started buying Molotow. The Molotow’s can be refilled so they might end up being a better value.

Lately I’ve been painting with cheap $2 craft paints mostly because I don’t like mixing colors. Just bought a few of the Martha Stewart’s at Michaels. I still buy Golden and Liquitex, but it’s nice to mix in other stuff.

Not only do you draw and paint, you are always printing and creating zines of your works. Do you remember your very first zine you made? Are you working on a new zine? The first zine I made was pretty horrible. It was staple at the top corner, and I gave it out to my friends when I was in high school. I put everything precious in a box before I left for college and when I came back my dad had threw it out. At the time I was pretty bummed, but now I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that. I’m always working on something. Sometimes things take a really long time. I drew everything I ate while in England and Scotland several years ago and just now getting it all together. I’ve gotten rejected from a bunch of zine fairs, so there really isn’t a urgency to get it finished. I’m thinking of making one for the tiny town I’m in, and other that’s like a newspaper, but filled with just my gibberish drawing of words.

Do you have a favorite zine maker out there you’d like to share with folks? I’m pretty excited to  be tabling at Comics Art Brooklyn. Last year  I sat nearby Evan Cohen (http://www.evanmcohen.com) who I had just bought zines online from a few weeks before so that was kind of unexpected. He makes rad work. There was a few other artists there whose work I enjoyed. I came home with a lot of nice prints which I never really get from strangers. Stuff from Natalie Andrewson, Tiny Splendor, most everything Peow Studios publishes, and Jen Tong. I like this zine called Terror House by Sammy Harkham that I’d buy a few to give out to friends and the zines my friend, Evah Fan makes.

What are you constantly inspired by? And who are some of your early and current art influences? I think what keeps me going is random problem solving with how I paint. Or maybe the natural world. I don’t really know if I’m being totally honest.   I grew up reading Peanuts. It has it’s good moments. I think I became comfortable with not always having to be in the up. I really like Tove Jannson’s work.. I’m not a fan Tintin, but I like the way Hergé uses color and lines. I was lucky enough to come to the Bay Area while the Mission School was around and Yoshitoma Nara had a few shows, so it made it okay for me to make paintings the way I do.

What do you do when you are not painting, drawing or making zines? How do you find yourself unwinding? I watch a lot of dumb shit on youtube and take long walks. Each week I go to a game night where I do board games (Catan, Ticket to Ride, Dixit, Pirates Cove are in the usual rotation). I like to cook and have people over. I actually unwind by drawing and watching a lot of basketball while listening to basketball podcasts.

What advice would you offer to an aspiring artist who might wanna follow in your footsteps? Be nice to everyone you meet ever. Always try to learn. Don’t get caught up in what people think of you or your work. Know that if you keep on doing something you’ll get better at it. Pick up different hobbies. Make friends with other artists. Be open to all opportunities. Get used to rejection.

What’s your best Art School tip that you want to share with folks? Some random wisdom you learned through your personal journey or just while making art? You know I don’t know if I’m the best person to get advice from since I sort of carved out this weird existence. When you’re young, it’s easy to get caught up in weird things and maybe a person should just get caught up in those things. I do meet old school mates who have regrets about how their time in art school was spent, but I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way of doing it. I think there really isn’t any rush, and also if you feel like you “failed” you can always just get back up because no one is really paying attention.

I think I hear a lot from folks who worry that they’re too old to try painting or doing art for a living. And I’d hear this from someone who’s like 25 or 30. But there really isn’t a deadline to any of this stuff and also no one really knows how old anyone is. I think everyone’s trying to get to some sort of finish line, but really just existing and making work is all there is.

What do you think you’d be doing if you weren’t an artist? In an alternate universe, what career would Deth find himself doing? I’d probably be working in tech if I’m being honest with myself.

What’s a question you never get asked in an interview that you wanna ask yourself and answer? There really isn’t.

What are your favorite style of VANS? My favorite Vans were the slip ons with a grey herring bone pattern on them. I had 4 or 5 pairs, but I think they switched to a smaller pattern because I couldn’t find them again.

What’s coming up for you the rest of the year or into the next? Comic Arts Brooklyn (http://comicartsbrooklyn.com), a solo show in January at Spoke Art (https://spoke-art.com) in San Francisco. I’ll have stuff at a print fair in Oakland (https://www.oaklandprintfair.com), and an art book fair in Berlin (http://www.friendswithbooks.org/content/about) through Vanilla Studios (http://vanillastud.io).

FOLLOW DETH | INSTAGRAM | WEBSITE | SHOP

[advernia]

i’m amazed that i’ve been active for at least a couple days straight??? is it the effect of lesser fe3h playtimes + the silly coworker writing challenge at the workplace??? oh well ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

since i remembered i was trying to make work commentary a thing here, more rambling / author’s notes under the cut!

jul 6th // ikerev

push your way through the cracks is the first edgar/mc i’ve written here and while i’ve mentioned there that edgar is my fav out of the cast, i fear that i’ll probably take me a very long time to write another one bc... he’s my favorite. i noticed i have the tendency not to write much (or have finished works) about ships i really, really like despite... you know, liking them. hopefully not - shipping aside, i like exploring the characterizations of enigmatic types like edgar.

about the fic, i pretty much like it save for the second part bc i think i could’ve done something more with it - not exactly change the setting, but expounded a little further on it. i don’t know, it feels lacking somehow in comparison to the first two.

there are a lot of flower-related descriptions tossed here and there, but i think i succeeded in not being so purple prose-y? hopefully! this was pretty descriptive, i guess.

with this edgar fic present, that means i have 2 more red army doods to write about, namely zero & jonah. i was really aiming to make edgar the last one tho haha.

jul 12th // ikerev

weave me into your web is canon based, specifically pt. 24 of sirius’ route where they say ‘goodbye’. note those quotation marks.

i think i wrote this after a discussion i had with a friend about sirius & his route - she read some posts commenting on the route and she wanted a nearby opinion. we got into an agreement: while we do find sirius to be indeed husbando material, his route would’ve risked nothing if they gave him more / emphasized his flaws. his flaws, not mc’s, gosh. 

no, seriously. in my opinion, mc fretting so much about being immature sort of blinds her from the little things that prove sirius is not so composed as he appears to be. it gets even worse when she realizes she’s fallen in love with him, and while i enjoy the black army going kira-kira rabu support team + seth being hopeless suitor, i’m going 50/50 on mc. she’s written to be indeed very single-minded come the war phase and while that’s not necessarily bad since she gets to broaden her perspective as she always does, i think i would’ve appreciated it if she came to most of the realizations on her own by reflecting on them based on how the events around her are progressing; and not simply by sirius / someone else pointing it out for her. no wonder she’d think she’s immature in comparison - it also irks me a bit that she keeps on fretting about her feelings for sirius. this is what i’d be sad to see again in other routes: the romance overthrowing the potential / present character development. 

side note: i understand that in relationships with a notable age gap, maturity / perceived maturity can be a problem - i just wished that the route downplayed on this bc honestly, there are other things more interesting to explore than that angle, like, say; isn’t she from another culture or world or something????????? will those differences affect our potential relationship??????????????

on sirius himself, i recall reading on reddit that one person didn’t pick up ikerev for the reason that the cast is too perfect. that’s a fair opinion. i think i can relate this to sirius himself: while throughout the route you do see some flaws in him, he’s still overall the dude you’d write home about + that dude you’d dream introducing to your parents complete with that suave voice (thank u junichi suwabe). no, i’m not saying that he has to have some unlikable or quirky trait / wangsty backstory, it’s just that in my opinion he’s desirable but not exactly relatable. let him struggle, let me see him rise up from it. show me his humanity. there’s the scene with him and lancelot, but i want more. tho him being afraid of being alone is what i find extremely relatable and endearing about him, very nice. otherwise... well, maybe i have to reread the route again or smth.

anyway. the fic emphasizes actually on his character trait of self-control / restraint. did u know too much is bad for u??? it can reflect that since you hold yourself back too much, it could mean that you’re masking your true feelings, for example. there are various psychological studies on that. *stares at sirius* hMMM.

i took care to be quite descriptive on that kiss scene and at the same time, not to be so emotional on it bc it’s still sirius lol - i believe he’s not one to lose himself completely to his emotions, but he’s not that afraid to succumb to some of it - especially if he actually wants to feel them.

... this turned out to be a rant portion rather than a fic commentary now didn’t it

aug 24 // ikerev (i’m seeing a pattern here)

a beginner’s guide to waltz was seriously just some formatting experiment, then it blew up to something larger. i actually like it tho, it’s cute.

writing oliver is actually fun, not bc of the reason that i can be rude. he is rude, but he’s not like that for just the sake of being so. as seen with blanc, it’s probably a result of habit. why exactly he chose to be verbally aggressive is something i’d like to know in his route.

i have no idea how the relationship shift is portrayed either, but i do hope it’s a mortifying revelation on mc’s part lol. like, lookie here, that little kid with his wee shorts and pretty hat that you hang out with all the time and don’t care about acting so ladylike around was that hot hunk who saved you before! oliver’s so amused and never letting her live it down.

for the line ‘i’m not interested in asking you about a decision you’ve made since you arrived here’: the decision mentioned is mc’s promise not to fall in love & to go home. i think oliver would be one of those routes where he falls for her but wants her to go home anyway, but the difference in his route is that he’s very adamant to make her leave. maybe thinking along the lines of ‘i don’t want you to end up like me’ or something. idk. idk what i’m trying to type at this point, lol.

just some random thought, but i do hope ikerev artist tcg someday draws mc in the game outfits / hairstyles bc she’s actually rly pretty. the description of mc’s outfits / fashion of part 4 of the fic was out of me just staring at the my closet portion of the game. don’t ask - i like the hc of oliver & mc having elegant wardrobes / fashion sense, and since i’m too lazy to check up 19th century london fashion trends...

sep 28 // collar x malice

haunted by something still alive was the result of me thinking about guns. don’t ask me either. maybe it’s also a result of me wanting to write something else that isn’t from my horrendous drafts folder lol.

these were actually nice drabble practices, and the first one i clearly had i mind was shiraishi’s. i honestly think it would be fitting, probably around the start of the route where they haven’t got to know each other so well.

from there on i tried to do the drabbles in the route order i did when i played the game, which was mineo - sasazuka - okazaki - shiraishi - yanagi. but tbh when i was writing it became shiraishi - mineo - yanagi - sasazuka - yanagi again - okazaki, lol. i rewrote yanagi’s and okazaki’s three times.

subtitles have their respective mathematical operations on it - i find it kind of cool and funny that those are their symbols (amnesia had the card suits), but when you do think of it properly, it does relate to their characters.

... never forget that hoshino ichika is canonically good with guns.

sep 28 // ikerev

in absence of glass slippers as stated was a part of one of my first ikerev drafts. still a draft until now, but the portion i posted is one of the ‘finished’ sections of the fic.

i don’t headcanon mc as a respectable lady from a equally respectable house or her being a well-off girl, but i like the concept of her being a self-taught lady of society aka she learned stuff like manners, dancing, and etc. out of curiosity or for more practical reasons like fitting in. 19th century london is still the victorian era, so social class and propriety was still a thing.

her taking off her shoes to practice dancing with ray is a sort of a challenge, actually... his measure of improvement will be based on the times that he steps on her feet / how many blisters her feet would gain by the end of the session, lolol - that’s why she says that stepping on a rock is the least of her problems. pretty hardcore, isn’t she?

thus the title actually - glass slippers (mary janes actually) are pretty delicate, but don’t you think a lady’s foot is much more delicate?

with ray’s fic up, i’ve officially written a piece for all of the black army men! nice.

sep 29 // ikerev

neither heaven or hell is holy shit, an mc-centered fic! hella rad - i was half thinking to classify it as a drabble, but since i decided that drabbles are pieces that i may get back on, i kept it as a full fic instead since i’m happy with how it turned out.

all of my screamings are in the tags, so i don’t have much to add besides that lol. however, the writing here is pretty different, and that’s because i was trying to do a three sentence fic challenge kind of thing. buuuuut it became three paragraphs with three lengthy sentences instead lol.

also, there’s some stuff highlighting mc’s london-er/english-ness. washing powder is the british term for laundry soap. 19th century roofs for royals were usually panels, and wooden beams for commoners. different as chalk and cheese is a british expression. i’m certainly not british but i just like emphasizing the fact that mc is of another culture/world, thus there should be differences in how she perceives things / her mannerisms & actions / her way of speech. i’ve been conscious of that in all of my fics involving her.

actually, i do make it a point to watch her way of speaking. i really like the polite way of speaking of 19th century britain (and also of today), so i try to integrate that despite the fact that i’m not british myself lol. it’s hard to fully convey it, but i try with hoping that it doesn’t seem too off. i should probably look for more references to practice it.

this was a very spontaneous piece with actually minor editing involved, and i’m pretty proud of how it turned out.

[bonearenaofmyskull]

How does one write meta? I am someone who is terrible at critical analyses and has trouble even finding themes in books (eng lit was hell for me!!) but I would love write meta for shows/movies. I just don't know what to look for and how to break it down. Please help me, if you don't mind! I want to be able to articulate/explain why I like or don't like and what I think about the work, character, relationship or topic. I feel like I need a guideline. Also how do you know if a work has substance?

Uh…….

Welp, if all your years of education including, evidently, college hasn’t taught you how to critically read a text (written or media) and write about it in a way that you feel confident in, then I seriously doubt there’s anything I can say in a single post to instill that confidence. That said, I can say what and how I do it, more or less. 

1. Watch the thing. A lot. And then some more. 

My typical schedule for when Hannibal aired in S2 (I wasn’t posting regularly in S1 and S3 was over summer so my schedule got shot all to hell) was to watch the episode the night it aired (Friday), read the questions I’d get about it in my inbox, watch it again right after, get up in the morning on Saturday and read the next set of questions, watch it AGAIN, start drafting answers, and watch it again at least once more that day and two or three times on Sunday. I would get an Amazon copy of the episode so when I wrote anything about any detail in it, I would go find that spot and rewatch it again, maybe two or three times. So my meta responses, unless it was something super quick and easy, typically had no less than five viewings. After the end of a week, no less than ten or twelve. 

At this point, I’ve watched “Aperitif” 27 times just for my job. Overall I think it’s around 70. Meta is time-consuming.

(A small tangent: This–along with the fact that each ask I answered tended to spawn two or three more asks–is something that informed my occasional testiness when someone would come along, say something inaccurate that would mislead or confuse people, and then, when I would say something to them about it, would say, “This is only my opinion!” or “I’m not writing for school!” or “I’ve only watched it once and I just wanted to share my feelings!” or “All interpretations are valid and equal!” Well, some of us are putting in a lot of time and effort into our interpretations and into helping people understand things before and in the process of publishing meta, and others’ lack of these directly makes my work more difficult and time-consuming. It’s frustrating.)

2. Look for patterns.

Hannibal has fairly obvious patterns because Bryan Fuller is many things, but–generally speaking–subtle he is not. So you see the same lines repeated (”They know”), the same images repeated (eyeballs with reflections), the same strains of music (go go Brian Reitzell), the same general topics (transformation, consumption, the human propensity for violence, God), and so forth. But this is true in all texts: if it bears repeating, it will bear examining. This is where themes (in books or otherwise) come from, along with the kinds of lessons that characters learn (or should have learned) through their experiences. 

3. Back up your opinions with text.

If you can’t back it up with text, you don’t have meta. You have headcanon. And sometimes headcanons are just wrong interpretations not because anything in the text directly counters them them, but because multiple things point toward countering them. Interpretations are fine, but they need to have multiple and/or significant portions of text to support them. 

I occasionally get into “the author is dead” debates with people, but as a rule of thumb, if you want to maintain any respectability in this endeavor, imo it’s worthwhile to look at a thing from the perspective of what you think the authors (including actors, directors, writers, etc) were trying to accomplish, and then look for details that support that. So like the “Bedelia cut off her own leg” argument–in the sense that you can’t definitively argue that she didn’t cut off her own leg, since they don’t show on screen who did, the claim that she cut it off herself is weaker than the claim that Hannibal and/or Will did it for her. There are pieces of evidence that imply that Hannibal and/or Will did it, but there is only conjecture to support that Bedelia herself did (”she could have…” this that, or the other). You cannot argue from an absence of evidence, and the evidence of an author’s thinking will be there, in the details. 

4. Study, look things up, and learn to write and argue. 

If Hannibal decides to quote Nietzsche, it don’t matter that you ain’t read Nietzsche in twenty-odd years and never read that particular piece at all. Go do your research, cuz somebody gonna ask. Not only that, but somebody gonna read that shit that is a fuggin philosophy major, so you better get your goddam ducks in a sweet little tidy row. 

Read what other people write about the topic you want to write about. If you want to write MCU meta, get your ass in the MCU meta tag (or whatever it is that they use) and read what people are saying. Some of them are going to be hella smart and help you understand things you didn’t know you misunderstood.

Same with writing. Learn to do that shit, if you don’t know already, on all levels: we’re dealing with ideas here, but there are also organization, voice, sentence fluency, word choice, and conventions. Reread and edit your shit. I recommend being linear in your organization–I’ve known people who wrote beautiful meta that you wouldn’t ever get any sense of what the point is till the absolute end. Don’t do that to people. Make a point, support it, draw a conclusion. Writing 101 stuff.

Learn to recognize logical fallacies so that you don’t do them when you don’t want to, and so that when you do want to, you can hide them so people won’t call you out on them. And so that you can call out others on them. 

Make no mistake: meta is argument. It’s only pretending to be expository.

With that in mind, know what you’re capable of. If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch. Especially if you’re easily hurt and/or have self-esteem issues. So much of fandom is all about lovey feelings and not leaving unasked-for criticism on people’s fic and all that–and I support that–but meta is an exception to this. It just is. Everyone is going to be jumping for a chance to tell you how wrong you are, even if they don’t write meta themselves and only watched the show once and just have feelings. 

5. Know your audience. 

Here’s an example of what I mean: I received an ask some years ago about whether or not Hannibal ever was in love with Bedelia, maybe even just a little? Even if it wasn’t like how he feels about Will??? 

Look, I’m a Hannigram shipper, and I wasn’t making any bones about that matter at the time I got that ask. But obviously that was from someone who shipped Bedannibal and really just wanted their poor soul to be soothed, and I can guarandamntee you I found some way to answer yes, in a way that was honest and that I could textually support, even though I myself would not call that relationship “in love.”

If you can, be on the side of your readers. They will be the people who are asking you questions. It doesn’t hurt to demonstrate kindness, as much as you can, without sacrificing the integrity of what you have to say as a meta writer. I’ll be the first to say I’ve made a lot of enemies on this blog because of various arguments I’ve gotten into, and I haven’t always known how important this is. But the people who come to you with questions deserve the best you can possibly give them.

How do you know when a work has substance?

It should be able to check several if not all of the following boxes:

Addresses the human condition in a non-trivial way (needs to be arguable and worth arguing about)

Contains complex characterization (no black and white major characters)

Displays text complexity (you gotta put in some effort to get it)

Exercises intertextuality (allusions to the greater world, other texts, history, etc.) 

Displays artistic quality (in all areas: writing, cinematography, acting, etc.)

Utilizes multiple varying artistic tools (metaphor, symbolism in writing, for example, or an appropriate variety of camera angles)

Controls and maintains a tone appropriate to subject and message

Note that being contextually relevant (dealing with important social issues) is not something that I listed here. Many on Tumblr would say that it should be. You should be at least vaguely aware of how your particular venue (Tumblr vs. reddit, for example) is going to affect your audience’s expectations of such things.