#where not a single friend of mine that i know knows hindi. no one i truly speak to tbh

[playermagic23]

“Mehmood bhai treated Amitabh Bachchan the same way he treated me, like a younger brother,” recalls Anwar Ali

The legendary actor Amitabh Bachchan turned 82 recently on October 11. Over the decades, he has made a lot of friends from the industry. One among them is the veteran film personality Anwar Ali. He gets talking about his 60-year-old friendship with Bachchan in an interview with us.

“Mehmood bhai treated Amitabh Bachchan the same way he treated me, like a younger brother,” recalls Anwar Ali

Having known him so closely, what are the qualities that make Amitabh Bachchan the biggest star actor of Hindi films?

The teachings of dad Dr. Harivansh Rai Bachchan and the support of Ma Mrs. Teji Bachchan make Amitabh in his entirety. Qualities of dedication, commitment, ambition, fortitude, discipline, perseverance and more, derive from that single parental source, making him second best to none. Dad (Harivansh Rai Bachchan) once casually asked about my wellbeing as he sat at his writing desk, and I walked in to pay my respects. Having had a challenging shoot, I spontaneously replied, ‘I feel like a zero’ to which dad calmly and lovingly said, ‘The day you know the value of zero you will feel differently.’ He led me to discover the infinite power of zero. To me zero is a space devoid of greed, fear, desire where there is an abundant multiplication of love. I was thus inspired through a limited interaction. Imagine what Amitabh brings to the table with every dialogue he renders.

Could you walk me through your brother Mehmood Saab and your longstanding relationship with Bachchan Saab?

It’s always easier to speak of phases and experiences in retrospect, but so different when you are actually going through them. No time to ponder unless you are living not a life but a carefully constructed plan. Fortunately, Amitabh and I have had a spontaneous, unconditional, caring relationship all along, so if anything was choreographed it was certainly destiny’s own design. Mehmood bhai on the other hand welcomed Amitabh as my friend but treated him the same way as he treated me, like a younger brother. He took on the role of mentor when he had to add impact to Amitabh’s on-screen presence, of parent when he had to share work ethics and expectations with Amitabh.

When did your association with Mr Bachchan begin?

Amitabh and I are living an almost six decade long friendship that is beyond the scope of definition because it cannot be compartmentalised. I chanced upon Amitabh’s photograph at K.A.Abbas saab’s office as Abbas saab was casting for his film Saat Hindustani and I was visiting, hoping to get a role. I looked at the photo and thought to myself, what’s wrong with Abbas saab?… How can he consider this boy for a role?… A tad perplexed I was soon on my way to Bangalore for a short holiday. On arriving there, I received a call from Abbas saab that I had bagged a role in his film. I took the next flight back to Bombay only to see the boy from the photo Amitabh, had come to receive me with my friend Jalal Agha in my Jaguar!! ‘Hi, I am Amitabh,’ said he with a voice full of bass to which I meekly retorted, ‘Hi, I am Anwar.’ We proceeded to Nariman Point where Amitabh was staying. All through the drive I spoke. All through the drive Amitabh listened. It was perhaps his turn to wonder what’s wrong with Abbas Saab…!!!! His name in the film was Anwar and mine Sharma and thus started the journey of us Hindustanis in K A Abbas’ Saat Hindustani.

Is it true Mehmood saab had predicted Mr. Bachchan’s superstardom and was the first to cast him as leading man?

Mehmood bhaijaan went on record to say, ‘Amitabh lambi race ka ghoda hai.’ Having introduced a plethora of artists, technicians and directors without an ounce of insecurity about his own work opportunities or position in the film industry, bhaijaan with his eye for talent across the board, possessed the unique, rare quality of extending help and opportunity without hesitation, a trait handed over to us from our father Mumtaz Ali.

Apparently you coaxed your brother Mehmood saab to cast Mr Bachchan in Bombay To Goa?

All I had to do was coax bhaijaan into considering Amitabh for the romantic lead of Bombay To Goa, after which Bhaijaan called us to a discotheque to see if Amitabh could dance!!! Bhaijaan was already familiar with Amitabh’s impactful voice that echoed around our home as we lived under the same roof. Come to think of it, didn’t Mehmood Bhaijaan position Amitabh as the angry young man of Bombay to Goa!!!

Do you recall any memorable incident during Bombay to Goa?

His condition the night before his first song shoot, ‘Dil Tera Hai Main Bhi Teri Hoon Sanam’, Amitabh was apprehensive, slightly nervous and unable to sleep. Kept tossing and turning. On asking, he said he was going to sing and dance for the first time for the first song of his reel life, and he wondered how that would go. I assured him it would be okay and went back to sleep, but Amitabh being Amitabh, he stayed up all night only to report right on time the next morning, make up and all! That’s my favourite song from the film.

After that, I learnt not to sleep on the same bed with him! Even at home I chose to sleep on the ground and let him toss and turn at ease!!

I believe Mr. Bachchan stayed with you Anwar saab initially when he came to Mumbai?

Amitabh stayed with Vijaypat Singhania’s sister at Nariman Point in the initial days. I stayed with bhaijaan and our entire family in Andheri. As our interaction increased and we bonded over common goals, our visits to film production houses were also together. Hence, I invited Amitabh to stay with us at 134, Paradise from where our destinies were moulded for the next two years. He was the ninth sibling of our household and I was the third. Having promised ma, Amitabh’s mother, that I would look after him and I was now like her third son… We were busy too, trying to be busy by hunting for work. Would travel by my Jaguar and once the fuel got over going to different locations, we would happily return home by local train. We loved spending time singing with degchis/ kitchen utensils enthralling other friends with dad’s poetry….. ‘Jao Lao Piya Nadiya Se Soan Machhri’…. We devised our own cryptic way of greeting each other. As time passed words were progressively substituted by periods of silence…. because we understood each other even when nothing was spoken. Ask us now, we will say the same thing…. ‘Mitti ka tan… Man Chanchal…’ Not very much can change between the two of us.

How closely have you known him and what changes have you noticed in him over the years?

Ek Moti ke do chhed hain hum. I know him just as much as he knows me. The hair may have greyed but other than that, he hasn’t changed at all. He is still my lovable, determined Bidoo!!!

Khud-daar was one of his big hits in the 1980s. you produced the film. How was the experience of working with Mr. B in Khud-Daar?

Once, Amitabh made a guest appearance at a leading electronics store so I could get a fridge for free! Khud-Daar was my first independent film as producer. Amitabh had to be part of it. He instantly agreed, going out of his way ensuring we had a sound project in place. Having been co actors right from Saat Hindustani to Bombay to Goa and a couple of other films, our work equation in Khud-Daar was similar yet different. Similar because the comfort level of working together was set in store; different because now I had the task of getting his dates, adjusting with other actors and making things happen, including getting the financier on board! All through the making of the film we maintained our professionalism, our work ethics and post release when I visited Amitabh at Breach Candy Hospital, the first thing he asked was how the movie was faring. I informed him it was a super hit!

[unsent-unspoken]

"Do you believe in free will?"

where do i start? i used to. bata pa lang, tinuturo na sa st. schot yung free will. being in a catholic school and all, it's one of those things you grew up knowing about. sometimes the lesson becomes a little more complex but the idea stays the same: there is free will – a choice to make our own decisions.

fast forward to today, at 2:50am of october 7, 2024. do i believe in free will? probably not the same way i once did. i think the idea of free will just tells us na we could decide what we could on this plane of existence we call life. but i don't think it would matter. i don't think what i decide would matter. now, with the things happening in my life, i believe na everything has already been laid out by god, by the universe. and no matter what i choose, if it's against what was laid out, i would always be diverted back to that same path. so, i guess free will is still kinda true for me to a certain extent. pero if the younger me would say na free will is basically making your own destiny and making your own decisions that would shape your life, i think she's terribly mistaken.

see, i'm not sure if this only applies to me or to everyone, in general. pero in my life, int he 25 (almost 26) years of existence, i have tried to keep one aspect of my life guarded and safe. that was my romantic love life. yes, there were crushes here and there, but i never fell in love – even when it seems like everyone is falling in love and getting into a relationship. i didn't. i wasn't in a hurry. partly because i believed nung sinabi ni daddy (nung binasa niya yung palad ko) na magiging single ako forever. na mag mamadre daw ako. but also because i saw what relationships were like. yes it's good and sweet and all. but i've seen my friends and my sisters, my cousins, na nasaktan dahil nagmahal sila. when they breakup there would be tears, and pagbato ng cellphone. there was even a "the bar gin" involved. it was underage drinking to cope with the loss. i've seen it. and i didn't want that type of heartache for me. if it would come, i want it to come at the right time. para the first time i fall in love would also be the last. an endgame na from the very start. i took whatever steps i could to guard my heart, protect it. and i did, successfully for my entire life... until someone came along and i thought that was it.

i remember praying na if hindi para sa akin, tanggalin na siya sa buhay ko. it was during that time na i was starting to like him. i was scared. i was fond of the friendship i've built with this person. and all he's looking for was a friend. i like that friendship. but i was going to ruin it with what i was feeling. so i prayed. i prayed for him to go away. i prayed for the feelings to subside. but he stayed. and the feelings remained. and i thought that was that. for a moment i believed na he felt the same. i felt it. i heard it. i knew it. but then 2024 came, and it feels like i've duped myself into thinking that someone would actually want me. i've deluded myself into thinking na it was real. na it wasn't for convenience. i'm so stupid to think that was it. i forgot. with him, i forgot na lahat gn gusto ko, hindi para sa akin. yung mga bagay na gusto ko, tinatanggal, inaalis. why did i think this time would be different? simple, because i wanted it to be different. i wanted to believe na this time, the universe is on my side. it wasn't. it still isn't.

sa idea ng free will, we get to decide on things in life to shape our future or our reality. but, here's the thing, it doesn't matter. mine does not matter. i prayed for it and i would work hard for it but the universe just outright said "no" when i have fallen in love. it kinda feels like the universe is against any tinge of happiness i might feel for the rest of my life. parang it would always be like, "here's a little happiness. you happy? good. i'll shatter your heart 'cause that one's not for you. sucker! perish." something like that. parang sinasadya na kung kailan masaya ka, kung kailan gusto mo na, when you have let your guard down, the universe would strike and would shatter you to pieces. my decisions has no bearing in this life. what i want, what i do don't mean anything in the greater scheme of things. kasi, after all, the universe has laid out its plan and i don't get a say on it. free will doesn't exist in that extent. i think we're only given the illusion of choice. parang sa isang company na tinatanong yung mga workers nila what they want to do with a certain issue. the workers think na they get to have a say on it, but, eventually, the management will tell them na "majority" has spoken in favor of what the management wants. it's a bullshit illusion of choice. we don't get to shape our future. it has been etched in stone and the universe just conspires to do anything it can to blow you towards whatever is already set for you. the only thing left to do is to play their way. the only way to make it in life is to just execute whatever they have planned. because you don't get to have a say on it. i don't. and maybe this is only applicable to me.

is it blasphemous to think and say these things? i'm not sure. pero lately, kapag kausap ko si lord parang inaaway at umiiyak lang ako sa kanya. yeah, i think he might have had enough of me. i mean he can always just 💀 me off – in my sleep, in an accident, something. he'll have one less problem. one less human who yaps and talks shit. who writes things on tumblr that no one would read about things that are blasphemous.

so, no. i don't think free will exists in the same way i have always thought it did. i think it's just an illusion of choice. and no matter what, your life has already been planned out and everything that is happening has been written. the heart break? oh, yeah, kasama yan sa script na ginawa nila sa buhay ko. i have no idea kung para saan but, my guess, para lang masaktan ako. and to break the last thing that is whole and untouched in my life. to break me. to shatter everything inside me and more. well... they got that right. i hope the universe is happy with my suffering. i hope it's happy na hindi ako masaya, na nasasaktan lang ako.

the universe has laid out its plans and its tragic. and the earlier i accept that, the better for me. i'm cursed and bound to get hurt by different things and different people. i'm meant to want things and people and have it taken away from me. tortured and tormented for crimes i cannot remember, for sins i must have keep on doing to this day. so, of course, the wicked is bound to be punished. that's where i'm at – punishment. the good wins. and since i don't, it must mean i'm not good.

i want to cut my heart out. purge the memories. feel absolutely nothing. and be embraced by the void, never to wake. because if i do, i'll miss him. and, yes, i still miss him. parang tanga.

i miss you, bal, but i don't even cross your mind. 🐳

P.S. i guess free will is for everyone but me. that must be nice...

[galynnxy]

That January 5...

1st anniversary to where it all started

that one simple chat na nagpabago sa life ko and kung saan ako ngayon...

I wonder if you can still remember it, that curiosity and excitement na first time na lang ulit magkakausap after ng ilang years ng walang communication sa isa't isa

I know how you already knew this na hindi naman talaga ikaw yung iisang option na pagtatanungan ko from the very start, pero ginawa ko kasi alam kong may makukuha ako sayo

at you already knew na wala na talaga akong plano pang pahabain pa ang usapan natin dahil matagal na kitang gusto at ayokong umasa at masaktan ulit, pero hindi mo ko hinayaan na maputol yun...

and we eventually become close friends again, even playmates sa isang favorite game ko

until we dated

slowly fall for each other

and we become couples~

and fast forward sa ending na kinakatakot sa simula palang...

siguro nga universe made a way for us but that doesn't mean na were meant for each other...

natupad naman din pangarap ko eh, ang mahalin ang isang katulad mo and mahalin din ako kahit sa napaka ikling panahon lang

pero hanggang doon na talaga yun

oo masakit, even until today kasi ang ganda ng simula natin eh, kasabay lang taon na yun. it's like maagang plotwist siya for me. you were like a biggest gift to me na matagal ko nang hinihiling

never in my wildest dream na gagawin mo yun eh, you knew it. you always knew it

but even though I'm still grieving from this lost love of mine, I have learned to accept it every single day...

and even though this is not what I've been expecting, hopefully all these pain and grief will turn into something more beautiful

marami pang araw na susunod na magpapaalala pa sakin tungkol sa atin dalawa but those days will just pass by like normal days that happens everyday

And just like it, I still choose to keep moving forward despite this heavy pain in my heart

[tigre-edi-rawr]

The Indecipherable-Enigmatic Faith of this Love Story

I will share a 2013-2023 story... should I say in the making?

This is about my ex boyfriend in high school, let's just call him 'Anj'. The post above is about him. It's not really all the context, so I think this is the right time to update this because it is fucking strange to me. Up until now, it's fucking confusing.

He was the best man I never had in the end. He was the standard, entirely what I want in a man.

He made my high school days special and unforgettable. Puppy love story ng mga high schoolers. I was contented. I do not remember why we broke up before going to college but we did. I remember taking Psychology for my first year in college, and I never wanted anyone but him in a room full of interesting men. Kahit sobrang daming umaaligid, nagpaparamdam, nagpapaalam na gusto ako, I don't care. So I stayed single for a year, bukambibig ko parin siya sa mga kaibigan ko. Palagi akong may kwento tungkol sakaniya kaya parang hindi rin siya nawala sakin, kasi baon ko parin lahat. We're not talking much nitong mga panahon na 'to. Siguro from time to time lang, once every couple of months.

After one year of taking BS Psychology, I was able to shift to my dream course, BS Electronics and Communication Engineering. Bestie, sobrang daming pogi! Ang daming very attractive kasi ang talino talaga. But at the same time, it was a lot of pressure because it's not just my dream to finish this course but as well as my father's. I was able to move on during this time, busy ako sa acads and finally I got to accept things pero I am still thinking of him from time to time. I was certain I'm okay. Until hindi ko na siya nasagi sa isip ko.

One time, my friend invited me to join them, pupunta daw sa MCL (he was enrolled in this university at the time) kasi may banda na tutugtog. Up Dharma Down! Ito yata yung time na maingay mga musika nila, kaya tuwang-tuwa ako at excited pumunta. Di ko naisip kahit isang beses na mangyayari yung hindi ko inaasahan...

I was standing at an enormous football field at MCL. I was facing the court area where the band will perform. Until suddenly, people walk past me and my friends.

I looked at them, it was him.

I am certain it was him. Nanginginig ako nito, hindi ko alam yung sasabihin ko, I remember just making noise of excitement until I became shocked and quiet. My friends are asking me what it is, words seems having trouble getting out of my mouth. My eyes are fixated in their way. He was with 2 girls and a boy who is a high-school friend of ours. They looked like a group of couples who will watch UDD to perform that night, it crushed me. I won't forget about this memory because this became the waking up call that I still love him and I don't want to lose him for good. I think I reached out to him, we talked, I convinced him to take me back and make us work. And though at first he didn't want to, we ended up getting back together. I was living the dream.

He was always at my place. We had a lot of fun, conversation, understanding, love and memories. Every puzzle perfectly fits. He would always help me with my papers, he would usually stay past midnight. Even if we can't talk or bond, he would just stay beside me while I finish all the things I needed for school the next day. After that, we would make out all night, and I don't know why but we didn't get tired of kissing for hours.

But things were a lot for me that time. I was having a hard time to keep up with my future, academics, and having to maintain the relationship as well. Napagod ako. Narindi ako. Nahirapan ako kasi sobrang hirap maging panganay. I remember failing a subject and had to choose if I should focus on my acads or have him still. I chose to let him go and focus on my future.

That was the very last time he was really mine.

But he never left.

Technically, he never did. I met someone, the 4-year toxic relationship? He saved me multiple times in that relationship. When I felt like I want everything to stop and be loved the right way, I will break up with 4-year toxic relationship then he will be there to comfort me every time. He became my knight and shining armor. He never questioned anything, accepted me open arms and loved me like how I deserve and wanted to be loved. Pero yung gagong ako, babalik kay 4-years na toxic dahil "mahal ko". This cycle happened many times, yeah, I know. Manggagamit ako, gago, mapagsamantala, malandi, name it. But that was never my intention.

Every time I will go back to Anj, it felt like it was the right thing or it was all I ever wanted. I always thought it was the right decision until I miss my ex and can't forget about my 4-year ex then it will be a miserable situation for me again.

Anj became the standard. He was the living representation of the kind of man I wanted in life, that is true hanggang ngayon. Until now, no one have lived up to that or past that. But the timing was never right, time was never kind to us. By the time we are able to go back together, I was not in love with him anymore. It was the most cruel realization I had to experience. He was just an idea, the standard, a memory, someone who I know will take good care of me and love me no matter what. In short, wala na akong mahihiling pa. Pero hindi na siya yung mahal ko.

I tried my best to stop talking to him, okay man ako o hindi. Ayoko nang sagipin, manggamit ng tao at manamantala ng kahinaan. Kahit pa hindi ganon yung intensyon ko, ayoko na manakit ng tao dahil hindi ako sigurado o dahil magulo akong tao. And I did.

The indecipherable-enigmatic faith of this love story starts here...

From time to time, maalala ko parin siya. Maraming beses na iniisip ko sana siya nalang, kami nalang ulit. Kapag naalala ko siya, iniisip ko kung kami talaga, kami talaga. Gaya noon, gagawa ng paraan ang pagkakataon para pagtagpuin kami ulit. Sobrang lakas ng kutob ko na mangyayari yon sa tamang panahon. Naghihintay lang ako ng tamang panahon, kung mangyayari man.

Why do I think that? You might ask. Here's why:

I still dream about him sometimes, and wake up feeling confused and heavy the entire day. I was not even thinking of him, but he will visit my dream out of nowhere.

I will remember him sometimes because of a thing, a place or anything that holds any memory of us or him.

When I am hurting, I always think of him and say to myself "kung si Anj to, he knows too well kung paano ako mahalin at kung paano ako i-handle." Or "kung si Anj to hindi niya ako sasaktan ng ganito"

Minsan bigla ko nalang siyang maalala, tapos mag-iisip ako na ano nanaman bang ibigsabihin ng lahat ng to! Ang gulo-gulo. Tapos biglang may matatanggap ako na chat or mail from him. Para bang hindi na co-incidence eh, kasi napakaimpossible naman na mabasa niya yung nasa utak ko tapos bigla siyang magpaparamdam out of nowhere.

Kapag single ako, hindi ko alam kung paanong palaging yung timing niya sobrang sakto. Bigla siyang mangangamusta or magpaparamdam lang pero mawawala siya ulit.

Napakaraming signs which are confusing me right now. Especially I wanted to enjoy being single for a long time and focus on myself. This doesn't help at all. My hopeless romantic ass are enjoying it too much.

[mspi]

Didn't happen

For sure I had to have a babe who has an old something of mine. 📝 You might not always want to know what happened to wohatever happened to an article of clothing of yours.

Theo: Thanks for burning the pic of me in tight bell-bottoms from Wet Seal. Thinking back, I had the legs for it. Just wasn't its time. That 70s Show wasn't out yet.

Quinn: You have the telecom intro book I was reading in the library when you first came by per the former manager's recommendation. Oh and you had the Hitachi pocket PC I used to take your info down in the lab. I'll always remember your shocked look when finding out who I met or was hiring me. We worked & studied together--no shock needed.

Rubbertoe: Sorries I up and left. Thing is, you deserve someone better, healthier, a more driven & accomplished A crazy gamer dog lover like yourself.

To all the ones I crushed on after: I'm a shy bookworm always reading to experience more lifetimes. There are a great later few who happened to catch me in the: You're actually asking me out on a date? Why me? Are you sure about this?

V: You know where you're at at why I didn't pursue. Glad we cleared that up. BTW, you better have enjoyed the PB Party.

Prof Car: Sadly you fell under the poor timing pool. On the ups you didn't need to see me have a seizure a month after we last saw each other.

Take on me guy: You're awesome, but my grade school bestie was crushing on you HARD. I'm not touching you.

Dee: You were the hottie upperclassmen I was scared to talk to or even approach. IDK why. I was friends with your bro and loved your sweet mom. Seriously nice when I'd swing by and visit to kidnap your brother for snowboarding. Thanks for warning up my Hindi. BTW, my mom really likes you.

Troy: Sorry I couldn't hold on to you. Might be because you teased me for caring so much about college. Well unlike IT, I was working on becoming a scientist. That's one of the things where having the sheepskin is valued. Don't think they're handing out certain chemicals for just anyone to pick up all willy nilly

Shawn: I had a great time going out, wine tasting, getting deep tissue massages, shopping, and even kicking it--climbing trees in the parks. Sorry, but you moved a bit fast for me.

I can keep on going with the list, but I'd like to hear from you.

-- dnagirl

09.03.2023

[dream-to-be-frog]

honestly though mujhko bohot kaam hai kal i can’t keep doing this.... aaj meri bakwaas ka din, do filmi ko dekh kar...... i refuse to watch any movies until i get some work done naaliki i really do main class mein samaj nahi aaraha hai it’s really bad

[d0ughnnut]

Parallel Universe

Constraint and restricted, that’s how I always see myself with everything. Nothing has ever been something that I could easily accept besides the fact that there will always be chains that bind me and prevent me from being happy. This is life for someone who struggles with her mental health like me.

I no longer believe that I would be able to have the happy ending every 9-year-old kid has watched in every barbie movie or that one true love that every Disney movie ever engraved. I no longer believe that someday, the world will be any less cruel to me and my being. My mind and heart is now jammed between the ends of death and a shallow-dark life.

There was a time where I tried to achieve a happy ending with people--I tried to say goodbye and save the last of the remaining love that there is, along with, I lost another happy ending that should’ve been. I tried to believe that there was still hope and amidst every dead end, I could still go up a ladder and climb the wall that leads to another ending. I tried to instill that ladder with past friends and even my family; it didn’t work and as expected, the person who I thought would understand my process accused me of trying to bind myself once again with the past I’m trying to run away from. Yes, I am trying my best to fix the friendship that was built on weak grounds but I was not trying to build another cage that would make me less of the strong person he told me I was.

I would like to believe that there would be better things to come in the future, but how could things be better if the best has come long gone?

That’s why I will never believe in what they say again, that today, I struggle and tomorrow comes the fruit of the tree. No, I had the fruit in my hand but it has slipped away and never will it ever return in my hands ever again.

As my heart struggle in such lonesome world, I try to fill in the void with one empty heart. I have nothing to give and so does he. I try to tell myself that this would be enough, because for someone like me who has given up on life’s fruit, I can only get what I can see. Someone like me who doesn’t believe in anything like salvation or life will never get a grasp of what they believe in to be a saving grace. A person like me who’s falling apart can only get shards of reality and get pricked every single second of the day.

Someone like me can only know of hurt when speaking about love.

That’s just about it.

Some may say I’m the one who put me in this situation, yes, I know. But have you ever had voices inside your own head? Yes. They are real, they speak and tell me everything I can’t be. I once was able to control them and made myself believe that I can fight through, but that’s what I thought, it was just resting. 

Today, the voices are not just voices; they live. I can see them and they haunt me. I can’t sleep at night for it comes to me in my sleep: it comes down to sit beside me and suffocate me. It comes to kill me and I know I’m not any far from accepting what it wants to give me. I need help but I don’t know how and I don’t know how to begin.

I guess I just have to survive through this until it gets me to the darkest place--I know I’ll give up then.

But,

I sometimes wish I the other me from another universe is happy. The one living in the universe parallel to mine is well and in prosper. Maybe she was able to love someone who wouldn’t hurt her.

Maybe the other me from that universe can love someone without doubts and hesitation of not being good enough. 

Maybe she would be able to love someone and not give them up because she knows she can be the best person someone could ever have in their life.

Maybe she has no need to repairing things.

Maybe she is the best version of me.

Maybe she’s the one he deserves, or anyone. And I envy her.

---------

Thank you kay kuya sa LRT 1 na hindi nairita sa pagvideo ko. Tysm for giving me consent to record. In line with this post, here’s a video for the people who respond to my mental health issues as a spiritual sickness.

[takemedancingmaine]

Go, Cubs, Go!

It was cold. Very, very cold. I had prepared myself for it, too, but wasn't able to properly stay warm no matter how hard I tried. The walk from my front door to the stadium takes less than ten minutes, and in that time I'd frozen.

I had worn a thermal and a long sleeve t-shirt underneath my jersey and my jacket, had a knit hat on and had on a pair of leggings underneath my jeans. When I'd left my apartment I'd glanced at my weather app on my phone and thought about how ridiculous I'd look all bundled up when the temperature was supposed to be 45 degrees I almost cringed in embarrassment. I was pretty good at dealing with the cold.

When I was a block away from my place though and a massive wind gust came and almost picked me up off the ground, I was thanking my forethought for the layers. We were going to be in the stands, high up and in the path of the wind, and I would have been miserable if I'd not dressed like I had. I thought wistfully of the overpriced beer that I'd purchase once inside and although the drink would be cold the alcohol would warm me up.

The streets and sidewalks were packed. Usually, they're pretty busy, especially when the Cubs play. This though. This was something else.

This was game one of the World Series.

The air was electric as I followed the crowds, the hoards of people--who had come by foot, car, train, and some by planes--down the road to the main entrance. I passed by countless scalpers yelling that they had the best price, passed people who'd bought water in bulk just to sell it to fans on the street, passed people who were overflowing out of bars with stamps on their hands to prove that they were allowed back inside per the fire code, and had even seen who I thought was Bill Murray out of the corner of my eye.

I was beyond excited. Words didn't exist that could describe how excited I was. Everyone from the group was coming out tonight, even Niall had been convinced to show up, and it was baseball at its finest.

There are two types of baseball. The first type is baseball in the spring and summer. Baseball in the summer is when you can just sit out in shorts and a jersey, get a tan while drinking a cold beer and watching a sport that enables you to have a conversation. It's a hot and lazy day with friends, sports, and alcohol. You can talk, watch, and just enjoy life as you engage with those around you.

Then there's tournament baseball. It includes lots of heckling and tension that doesn't leave your shoulders for hours. Any drinking is done to help relieve tension and not just to be done socially. The highs of the game--strikeouts, double plays, home runs--are higher and the lows are lower. There's always a belief that the impossible can happen and that's what sports are all about: the impossible becoming reality.

Both types of baseball have their merits, but both types also have their pitfalls. For instance, a negative to summer baseball is the inevitability that at least once you will forget sunscreen. Then that perfect tan you worked on turns into a radioactive, angry red colour--here's looking at you, college Cleo. A negative to tournament baseball is that it can end quickly and sour even the best of moods.

I shoved both my hands into my back pockets and tried to get to the meeting point we’d set for ourselves near the marquee. It was difficult to squeeze past and manoeuvre through countless people of all ages, but I spotted Harry and Ana along with Cleo all bundled together, chatting to each other with their backs angled toward the wind to block some of the cold.

I wasn't at all concerned that seeing my friends in person after news came out about Niall and myself. The group chat had been absolutely mental throughout the week, but it was nothing too bad, nothing neither Niall nor I couldn't handle. I was hoping that my friends would be mature and would have gotten all of their teasing out via text. I knew that wouldn't be the case, but I hoped regardless of my knowledge.

“Are we crazy for doing this?” Ana asked with a genuinely curious look on her face as I stepped up to them.

“Was Kennedy crazy when he said we were going to the moon?” Cleo asked back.

“Yes.” Harry nodded, his beanie causing the ends of his curls to wrap up and frame his face. He looked ten years younger as a result.

“Then yes.” Cleo smiled as she nudged me.

“Oh look, it's the woman of the hour.” Harry turned to face me. “I don't think I've ever known you not single.”

I groaned and closed my eyes for a moment.

“It's true,” he said matter-of-factly. “Three years now and you've not had a boyfriend for any span of time.”

“I wasn’t exactly withering away into nothingness during that time,” I sighed. “I went out and had fun.”

“Having fun with someone and dating someone are two completely different things,” Ana said.

“Cleo’s never had a girlfriend,” I pointed out.

“That's not true.” Cleo nudged me again. “Remember Mary?”

I shivered. I did remember her. “She was miserable and it only lasted three months.”

“It still counts.” She shrugged.

“It does.” Harry nodded as he gave me a cheeky smile. “Is it the accent that does it for you? Turns you on? Are you using him to get a work visa in Ireland?”

“Dude, sometimes I have an accent.” I gave him a pointed look. When I spoke to my parents or spoke in Hindi the accent just came out. I'd learned to speak it from my parents who had their own accents, so my words were tinted in the same ways.

Harry shrugged.

“And no. Seeing as he just moved back here and took a pretty good job, I doubt he's moving back to Ireland any time soon. If I was using him for a work visa it would be a poor plan.”

“True,” he said.

Even over the din of shouting and heckling and excited conversations going on around us, we all heard Louis calling out to is all in greeting. He was flanked by Niall and Liam, the three of them having met up at Niall’s and walking here instead of attempting to take the train. He had texted me while they walked saying they'd given him his fair share of ribbing.

He walked up to me wearing a Cubs hat and I spotted a Cubs shirt underneath his windbreaker. I had a sneaking suspicion that neither item was his.

He wrapped an arm around my waist and kissed my cheek as he stepped beside me. I melted under his touch--even knowing that all of our friends were gaping at us--and leaned into his side.

“I cannot believe you got me to come out here,” he said to us all while looking around pointedly at the crowd. “This place is absolutely insane.”

“It's pretty cool though, right?” Ana asked.

“Yeah, it's alright.” He shrugged, but his smirk gave him away.

“Ignore him, he's excited,” Louis looked between him and me, “and not just because Ruby is here.”

I reached over and flicked Louis’ ear. He laughed, and so did the rest of them. I groaned and Niall's hand squeezed my waist.

“Are these yours?” I asked as I reached up flicked the brim of Niall’s hat and pulled the collar of his shirt a bit.

“Actually, yes.” He smiled, proud of himself. “They're from when I lived here the first time. I worked literally less than a block from here: I couldn't not have some gear. Plus, I look really good in blue.”

I laughed and shook my head at him. He wasn't wrong, though. He did look good in blue, it brought out his eyes. Plus the baseball cap was doing things for me.

“Ready to go in?” Liam asked. He was getting anxious. Liam and I were on the same page about this game as anxious and excited energy seemingly flowed out of the two of us in waves.

“Let's forking do this thing!” Cleo jumped up and yelled. She was less anxious and more excited. Cleo was optimistic. I admired it, Liam ignored it as his pessimism swept through him.

The seven of us started moving through the throngs of people toward a gate where we all put our keys and phones in bins as we went through the x-ray machines and got our tickets scanned.

Liam was absolutely tense as he led us toward our seats, his excitement manifested in his tight shoulders and the crinkle in his brow, in his clenched jaw. Niall gave me a curious look and then looked at Liam before looking back at me. I laughed and gave an amused look back to him.

We had no trouble finding our seats--the number of times Liam and I had each been here was a fair number--and once we’d established our spot, Harry and Louis set off to get us each a beer.

Cleo was directly behind me, next to Ana. Harry would sit back there with them while Niall was on one side of me, Liam on the other, and Louis was to be on the far side of Niall. It was strategic on everyone's part to place Liam and me beside each other. He and I varied our emotions on the events of the game much more so than anyone else. Liam because he’d been a Cubs fan since before he could talk and me because when I followed a team I gave them every ounce of passion I possessed. Liam and I just understood each other best when it came to events like this.

Niall nudged his knee against mine as we were listening to Cleo tell a story about a second grader and a bug at recess. He gave me a look and I understood that he was asking if I was okay. Clearly, he could sense the tension as it rolled off of me. Or maybe he was sensing Liam’s tension through me.

I gave Niall a small nod and placed my hand on top of his knee, making a horrified expression when Cleo said something of the young girl trying to get the bug to go into her ear. Niall laughed at that, as did Ana. Liam and I both made faces but didn't offer anything vocally. I wasn't sure either of us had the capacity to at the time.

It took a while, but eventually, Harry and Louis made it back to us with trays of cups that overflowed with beer. I brightened considerably at the beverage passed my way, as did Liam. We all toasted and cheersed before I lifted my cup to my lips. If my intent was to use the alcohol to warm up, it helped if I had more than one sip in me.

Niall peaked over the rim of his own cup at me as I chugged down a few gulps.

“What?” I asked.

“Nervous?” He laughed.

“Shut up,” I said lightly and took another pointed sip, keeping my eyes on his.

He just smiled back at me, amusement dancing across his features.

This is what I lived for. I was in one of my favourite places in the world, with my best friends, surrounded by an energy that just seemed to heighten and sharpen all my thoughts and emotions. I was experiencing bliss.

I thought about all of my worries over the past month. I’d been made to feel unsafe and had experienced the gnawing worry of opening up to someone and risking my established friends in the process. I had gone back and forth with myself on how to feel safe. I had slept poorly because of the unease in my brain.

I had put my body through difficult training in the gym and the torture of copious amounts stress and what it was doing to me--circles under my eyes, what felt like a small ulcer in my stomach, near constant exhaustion despite my inability to fall asleep quickly most nights, and what I had realized was a compulsive need to double or occasionally triple check my locks every night.

But right here with my friends, in this moment, I felt everything negative and stressful just leave my body. I knew the feeling wouldn't last, so I revelled in it. Didn't think about the end of it, only thought about the now.

I could feel Niall’s eyes on me, and they were often on me throughout the evening. Whenever big things happened I felt his eyes on me, gauging my reaction and taking it in. When he wasn't watching me, he was actually watching the game. Everyone--excluding me and Liam--was teasing Niall about it being the one sport he couldn't get behind and asking him if we were doing any good at changing his perception.

In a moment of clarity, between innings, I had heard him answer that if anyone could change his perception it would be the lot of us. Harry cheered at that and confused a few of the fans around us as to what was going on, and they looked around, curious to see if they were missing something.

Throughout the game as the score fluctuated--we were up first, they came back, we levelled, they went ahead again--Liam and I were in absolute agony, especially as the game came down to the last inning. I can admit though that it was an absolute cracker of a game to watch. There was a fair bit of excitement.

It was only game one of the series. and there would have to be at least three more to come no matter what, but you never want to be the first to drop a game, especially with a home-field advantage.

I really found myself while watching baseball in college. I'd take a textbook and a notebook and pretend I was going to study or do practice problems as I sat in the sun on a warm Saturday afternoon, but the books would always remain closed as I watched the game, or just closed my eyes and felt the sun soak over me.

It was a way to relax. A bit like running would help me to clear my head, baseball would give me a way to just sit and feel at peace. It was weird, my attachment to baseball. I wasn't a sports person. I didn't play anything. I ran, but I didn't do anything like volleyball or soccer or lacrosse. So the fact that I'd become so taken with baseball and being at games was a strange happening.

I felt a calm rolling over me as the first out of the bottom of the ninth came in and it looked bad for us. I shouldn't have felt calm at all. In fact, the nervous energy I felt was causing me to practically vibrate, but underneath it, I felt a feeling of peace just being here in the first place.

Liam and I were mirrors of each other. We were each leaning forward in our seats with our elbows resting on our knees, our hands locked together in front of our mouths. I felt Niall put his hand on my knee as we got a runner on base. His warm touch was spreading through me, radiating his ease into me. It wasn't working. Even Niall, the force that could calm me in any other situation, wasn't working for baseball.

We’d each had a second beer (because why not spend a small fortune on beer that's ten dollars cheaper just outside the stadium walls?) and it had made Harry very talkative behind us. Between him and Cleo, the banter was borderline funny, but I honestly kept forgetting to laugh.

Niall squeezed my knee as the next batter stepped up to the plate. We were in dangerous territory, double-play-could-go-against-us territory, a fact that even Niall knew. Louis has been explaining things to him all night. Niall knew the basics of the game, three strikes, three outs, the concept of a double play, and a home run, but Louis was getting into strategy, which I think made it more real.

Despite my nerves, I looked over at Niall. He was trying and that made me give a small smile. I looked back down at the field but nudged him with my shoulder and he squeezed my knee again.

Liam groaned as strike one flew over the plate.

And then it happened.

The crack of the wooden bat echoed around the park and the ball sailed far and fast, landing just over the wall and in the fourth row of seats.

The air was incredibly still, almost like everyone else was also having a hard time believing what we’d seen, was holding their breath. And then Liam and I snapped into the present. And so did everyone else. The thunder, the roar of the crowd was deafening as the stadium erupted in euphoria. A walk-off home run.

It was only game one, I kept telling myself, but as I leapt from my seat and yelled and clapped I couldn't help but be optimistic. Hope is the thing with the feathers.

Five nights later we were huddled in what Louis had dubbed ‘Niall’s Old Bar’ a half-block from Wrigley. Apparently, Niall still had some influence there, because unlike everyone else we didn't have to start lining up to get in at ass o’clock in the morning. We did get here a bit early, but nothing too unmanageable.

“This is batshirt crazy!” Ana called as we--the entire bar--just finished another rendition of ‘Go, Cubs, Go!’ during a commercial break in the seventh inning. The series was 3-2 in favour of the Cubs, and tonight could either see us win or see us go even and leave it to a final game seven

Everyone here was really hoping for the first option. The win it all tonight option.

The Irish Oak was packed to capacity and we were currently waiting for our food. We’d ordered almost every appetizer on the menu to split amongst the group of us all, and we were on our second round of drinks at this point.

It was a Sunday. We all had work tomorrow. I'm sure our customers at the bakery would understand, but they wouldn't be too happy. And the teachers couldn't exactly show up with raging hangovers. However, Liam seemed to incline that regardless of the outcome he would be drinking himself to sleep tonight.

We sat huddled around a tall table right below a television screen and my face was right beside a picture of Anthony Rizzo’s butt--not that I was complaining. The whole lot of us was more than content with our situation.

“I won't say I'm a fan or anything like that,” Niall trailed off as he sat down beside me. He’d gotten up to talk to the manager, thank her for letting us ‘reserve’ our spot, basically and had missed Cleo’s screech singing and Harry’s falsetto. Liam, despite his nerves, decided to participate and sang quite loudly in that baritone voice of his.

“But?” I asked as he sipped his drink.

“But being part of these past few nights has been really great craic,” he said.

“Oh fork off with the Irish slang,” Louis teased as the commercial break ended and the bottom of the inning began. The Cubs were up 5-3 but had dropped game two after leading so we were all agreeing to be cautiously optimistic. Except for Liam who was just cautious.

“I will not fork off, mate,” Niall said. “In fact just for that, I'm going to speak Irish.” Niall took a large sip of his Guinness, almost as if to prove his Irish-ness.

“You don't even know your own language.” Louis rolled his eyes. “That's an empty threat.”

“I'd learn the language just to annoy the piss out of you,” Niall said.

“Honestly, I don't doubt that you would do that.” Louis smiled and held up his glass, which Niall then clinked his own glass against, a bright smile on his face. In fact, they both wore the same expression.

Ana’s face brightened considerably and I knew what that meant: food. Sure enough, when I looked up and followed her gaze a server was coming up to us with a tray loaded with food.

It was wonderful.

Truth be told though, I was too nervous to eat. Liam looked at the food as if just seeing it made him sick. I always felt like Liam and I did our best bonding when talking about--or watching--baseball. Sure we connected on other levels, but there was this level we occupied away from everyone else in the group.

I know Liam can be quick to judge and that to others he may seem critical and impatient, but truth be told he was anything but. He was judgy because he was protective of his friends, and critical because he was protective of himself. His impatience stemmed from dealing with children all day. When he was away from that environment he preferred not to waste time and energy and just move along. Loyalty was Liam’s biggest strong suit. He was never not supportive.

I loved bonding with Liam like this. Words weren’t needed. We just silently appreciated the similarities between us and that was more than enough. Liam and I were the perfect partnership when it came to watching baseball.

Everyone else started in on whatever they could get their hands on first though. From the corner of my eyes, I could see Niall. If I had learned anything about him in the two weeks or so that we’d been together, it was that he loved food. All food. He was a vacuum.

Nothing was going for the Cubs in the seventh so it went to commercial before the start of the eighth. Two more innings of pain and uncertainty.

One of the good things about the last six nights was Niall wearing a baseball cap every single night. I couldn't tell whether or not he was doing it on purpose because of me and what I'd said about him in a cap, or because it was one of the very few items of paraphernalia he owned. It could have been a combination of the two things.

Brian had cancelled self-defence classes on Thursday so I didn't have to come up with an excuse to be late to our viewing party. I was thankful for that. The gym had sent out an email that morning to all the members of the class and my discomfort over thinking up excuses just eased away with my morning tea as Louis flitted around the kitchen.

Although I didn’t have to stress over my making excuses with my friends, I could feel the extra tension in my shoulders from not going to the class this week. It felt wrong. I missed the routine of it, of going and being in a place where I was pretty sure everyone knew--from my bruising the first class--why I was there and why being there was important to me.

If the only person who really knew was Brian and I could be free and not have to worry about keeping it a secret, then not going was like shaking a bottle of soda until the top was bound to pop off and everything would spurt out in the messiest of fashions.

Even though Brian had mentioned a noticeable change in me before and after class, I hadn’t really paid attention to just how necessary the effects were in terms of getting through a week normally. I felt antsy these past few days. I felt like I was on the edge of my seat, metaphorically speaking, and that someone would come up at any moment and pull the seat out from under me. I wasn’t looking over my shoulder every ten seconds on my walk home or on my run over the weekends, but I did feel unsettled.

I didn’t know if my friends could tell. I was getting better at keeping the secret from them, I thought. Once the initial shock of the event wore off, it became second nature to keep it to myself. If they had noticed I was on edge though recently, maybe they attributed it to the series and my stress over the outcome. I suppose that gave me a good cloaking excuse for any noticeable tension and uncomfortable behaviour.

I had been worried that by getting closer with Niall that he would begin to notice my being off; however, I’d only know Niall as what I had dubbed Post-Attack Ruby--aka my new normal. I felt like that gave me a little bit more leeway with him.

“Shirt,” Liam cursed under his breath across the table from me.

I looked over at him and then up at the television. The score was now 5-4 as the inning shifted. We would have to either maintain or add to our lead in order to win. I’d been so lost in thought that I’d completely missed what had happened.

I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“You want anything?” Niall asked, his eyes watching me with concern as I shook off my thoughts and brought myself back into the present.

I looked down at the food on the table and made a face.

“I’m not all that hungry,” I said.

“No?” he asked, knowing I hadn’t eaten since lunch.

“I’m honestly too nervous to eat,” I said and glanced over at the screen. Still a commercial. I could breathe.

“Are you really?” he asked. I just looked at him. He smiled. “Six nights in and I still can’t believe you’re the type of person to get this nervous about baseball.”

I just shrugged while I thought about what he was saying. Even when I expressed my love for it, even when he’d teased me for being nervous the previous nights, he was still relatively new to the whole experience. He moved his hand from my shoulder to my back and leaned in and kissed my cheek.

I felt my face flush and refused to look up to see if any of our friends had seen him do it. I got hit with a napkin though and when I looked up to see who’d thrown it Cleo was giving me a smirk. I rolled my eyes and threw the napkin back at her before turning my eyes back to the television, but I had a smirk on my lips and the flush on my face as the game returned from commercial.

Adrenaline has a way of staying in your system long after the moment is over. After the euphoric yells and cheers that had bounded across the walls of the bar and echoed throughout the streets, after the songs had been sung and the celebratory beers had been downed, and the pictures in front of the stadium and the marquee had been taken I could still feel the adrenaline, the excitement as it coursed through me and gave me a jittery feeling, the good kind of jittery feeling.

Niall had walked me home. With the packed streets and the lights and the partying, it was now the early hours of the morning. I couldn’t care less that I had to be up in a few hours for my kickboxing class and then spend an entire day at work. I was on top of the world. I’d high fived so many strangers, taken pictures for others, and had just ridden a high the whole time.

I wasn’t regretting a moment of it, and I wouldn’t regret a moment of it when I woke up. I was genuinely happy at the moment. No stress, nothing to make me feel heavy, and no worries about anything… I felt light. I felt like I was walking on air as Niall held my hand and guided me through the crowded streets toward my apartment.

His cheeks had been flushed from the singing and the yelling--and the beers he’d downed--before. He was walking with a spring in his step as well, and he just listened to me as I talked through all big plays and moments from the game and doted on so many of the players. He’d nod and make affirmative sounds at all the right times, the amusement clear upon his fair features.

It was cold, colder than it had been the other night in the stadium, but with the alcohol and the excitement, I didn’t feel it. Even as the wind rushed past me, even as the leaves swirled around my feet, and my breath came out in puffs before me, I didn’t notice the cold that was trying to bite at my fingers and nip at my nose and cheeks. It was irrelevant to me in this state. Nothing could get to me.

When we got to my front door I bit my lip and once the door was open I turned to him. Seeing him in the baseball cap and the Cubs gear I couldn’t help myself. Maybe it was the adrenaline still, or maybe it was the high from the win, maybe it was the alcohol, but when I turned to say goodnight I opened my mouth and then closed it, and made a split second decision.

I grabbed him by his jacket, and pulled him inside with me, crashing my mouth against his as he tried to close the door behind himself. It took him a hot minute, his hands fumbling to complete the task while his eyes were closed and I pressed myself against him, my mouth moving against his, but the moment it was closed--and locked--his hands were on my waist as mine flew up to his face. One hand shifted and tangled itself in his soft hair, knocking his hat to the floor behind him and pulling a bit at the base of his neck, and one holding his cheek.

It felt feverish as he pushed me back against the wall and our bodies aligned, the entire lengths of us pressed together and causing a blaze to rip through me from my head down to my toes. His touch felt like it was going to chemically react with whatever fire was already going on inside me and I would explode. His fingers slipped under the hem of my shirt and their contact with my skin caused me to gasp against his lips.

He took the opportunity and before I could bring my brain up to speed with what was happening, his tongue was tangled with mine in an experience that was putting everyone I’d ever kissed before in my life to shame. How dare they kiss me and have been any less than this? It felt like this was truly the first time I’d really been kissed like this, every other boy, every other kiss fading from my memories until all that remained was Niall and the feeling he was inducing as we made out in my front entryway.

I tugged his hair a bit and he growled. I swear to god my knees buckled upon hearing it, feeling it against my lips as it escaped from him. I smirked against his mouth and tugged again.

“Fork,” he gasped out as I pulled my mouth from his and began kissing my way along his chin until I reached the spot behind his ear. He shivered when my teeth grazed the spot and my tongue followed after them.

“Jesus, Ruby.” His voice was ragged, and his chest was heaving against mine as our bodies fought to intake enough oxygen to sustain us at this moment. I could feel his pulse in my lips on his neck. It was racing.

I brought my lips back to his and I could taste the many pints of Guinness he’d had earlier just as he could surely taste the whiskey I’d downed. He took my bottom lip between his teeth and tugged. Without me telling it to, one of my legs came up and wrapped around his thigh, interlocking us together and pulling him closer yet.

With another shudder he brought one of his hands up to tangle in my hair as the other pushed my shirt up a bit more and settled in the small of my back, his large hand spanning the expanse of my back as he used the leverage to keep me as close as possible.

There was something that passed between us at that moment. The vulnerability of the moment perhaps, as I realised just how long it had been since I’d done this with someone where it wasn’t a fling or a one night deal. It could have been just that at that moment I realised how much I liked him. He had said many times that he wasn’t a baseball fan, had even made some mild complaints throughout the week about how boring it was to watch a game with that many commercial breaks, but here he was six nights later with me after having watched every game at my side.

He had put up with it for me--and our friends--and that made me realise that he’d been willing to do something he wouldn’t normally do because I was invested in the outcome. He had sacrificed his time to spend time with me and to try and understand something I felt passionate about. The thought alone sent a shiver through me as together we slowed our pace and our intensity began to mellow into lingering kisses that made my mind feel like goop.

I lowered my leg back down to the floor as Niall brought his hands to my cheeks, cupping my face gently.

“I love baseball,” Niall said when he eventually pulled away.

I laughed. I laughed like Niall. I felt my head fall back against the wall as my laugh echoed around the small space we occupied and he giggled as he watched my response. When I’d calmed down a bit I looked over his face.

His cheeks were flushed a bright pink, his lips a vibrant, delicious shade of red from our kisses. It was his eyes though that sent an electric shock up my spine. They were glistening in the low light and locked onto mine I felt like I could do anything, accomplish anything in the world. It was my favourite sight in the world, the sight before me.

“Thanks for walking me home,” I said. “And thank you for watching baseball every night for almost a week. I know it’s not your favourite despite your very recent declaration otherwise.”

“I mean, I still don’t understand it, but I honestly think I might be beginning to like it,” he said, his voice somehow both light with elation and gravelly from what we’d just done. The juxtaposition of it all stirred something in me and I had to resist pulling him back against me for round two.

“You don’t have to lie.”

“M’not lying.”

“Okay.” My tone conveyed my disbelief.

“I’ll see you on Tuesday?” he asked.

“I’ll see you on Tuesday.” I nodded. I watched as he disentangled himself from me--I instantly mourned the loss of his hand against my back--and bent to pick up his hat from the floor.

“Sleep well, Ruby.” The kiss he pressed against my lips was the sweetest thing I’d ever experienced. It was sweeter than the triple chocolate brownies Louis baked every Thursday. I felt the kiss through my entire body as he brushed his thumb against my cheek and pulled back.

I nodded as he opened my door and stepped out.

“Let me know when you get home safely,” I called out to him as he opened my gate.

He gave a nod and slipped the hat back on his head before heading off into the night.

[salmankhanholics]

★ Ali Abbas Zafar: If a superhero is selfless, half the battle is won..

Roshmila Bhattacharya | April 24th 2019

Ali Abbas Zafar explains what makes Salman Khan a crowdpuller; recounts his journey from biochemistry to Bollywood’s wonderland

In jeans and a Tee, Ali Abbas Zafar looks more like a guy-next-door than Bollywood’s A-list director. His Eid offering, the Salman Khan, Bhushan Kumar, Atul Agnihotri-produced Bharat, will open on June 5 and Ali is in the midst of post-production. But when he settles into his chair at a suburban studio, there’re no signs of rush. In fact, there’s a rare thehraav in his demeanour, a mathematical clarity in his thought process as he states that cinema is an applied art and not a fi ne art. Excerpts:

■ Mere Brother Ki Dulhan, Gunday, Sultan, Tiger Zinda Hai, and now Bharat, you are one of the most sought-after directors today. Enjoying the high or does the pressure give you sleepless nights?

(Laughs) Oh, lots of sleepless nights but since I’m doing what makes me happy, the days are satisfying. The pressure increases when it’s a big Eid release for a pan-India audience. There are people who watch one-two films a year and measuring up to their expectations keeps me on my toes.

■ You were doing your masters in biochemistry at the Delhi University. What brought you to Bollywood?

I’m a filmmaker by accident. Kirori Mal College has an active theatre group, Players, whose alumni includes Mr Bachchan (Amitabh), Satish Kaushik, Kabir Khan and Habib Faisal. I wanted to join the Indian Administrative Services (IAS) but after becoming a part of this group, I realised this is what makes me happy. So, though I had no background in TV or film — my dad is in the armed forces and my mom is a teacher — your typical-small town boy came to Mumbai to tell stories.

■ Tell us about your first attempt at direction?

That was Mere Brother Ki Dulhan (the 2011 romcom). The simple story, told earnestly, grew out of real life. It was set in Dehradun where I’d grown up and Delhi where I was studying. My brother lived in London while I was a struggling assistant director in Mumbai, like Imran Khan’s character. It was a customised Bollywood film with a three-act structure, an emotional and musical graph. It struck a chord.

■ Did you get the girl in real life?

(Laughs) No, but you can live your dreams in films.

■ What kind of films did you grow up on?

In mid-90s Dehradun, we either played sports or watched movies. I saw many films with friends after school and on holidays. But the only film I saw at home was Deewar which my dad said balanced out right and wrong in a human way.

■ Would you like to remake Deewar?

Sultan was very close to Deewar in the way its protagonist’s self-esteem/ego swings between right and wrong, and his redemption happens when he hits rockbottom and comes from within. Islam says the strongest jihad is the one you fight within yourself.

■ Sultan could have played any sport, why wrestling?

He could have been a rock star too, but I chose to make him a sportsman because I’d played hockey and football. It was wrestling because hundreds watch you fall in the akhada, making a loss a public humiliation, and the rise a public celebration. Kushti is a centuries-old sport that rises from the grassroots and has the soul of Hindustan which made it easier for the mass audience to identify with.

■ Bharat is the journey of one man over six decades, reflecting the country’s history. How old are you to attempt a fi lm with an epic sweep?

(Laughs) I’m 36, but it’s not so much about experience. If you understand life, even if you haven’t lived it but seen it in those around, you can mirror it. This is my third film with Salman (Khan) and much of the maturity in my work comes from his experience.

Bharat is the story of every Indian, of togetherness and responsibilities. A line in the film goes, “Desh logon se banta hai aur logon ki pehchan unke parivar se hoti hai.” And as the nation is a family, that’s the metaphor Bharat hinges on without being preachy or political.

■ Why adapt a Korean film, Ode To My Father, to tell the story of Bharat?

Emotions are universal and what I liked about Ode To My Father was the coherency of the emotions and the text. We’ve added a lot of Indian cultural subtext, the film reflects the events and changes from 1947 to 2010. My dad believes if you pick the right story that says the right things, you can’t go wrong. While many Hindi films revolve around the mother and son, the father has often been portrayed as a hard disciplinarian. My relationship with my dad and Salman’s with his (Salim Khan) is different and at the core of the film. That’s why only Salman could play Bharat.

■ How did the title come about?

Since the film isn’t only about a father and son, I didn’t want to translate Ode To My Father. I was tossing in bed at 5 am when the title came to me. Hours later, when I met SK and Atul I told them I had a title, Bharat. They froze for two seconds, then Salman said “yes”. Since this man symbolises the nation what better than Bharat.

■ How do your parents view your phenomenal success?

(Smiles) My father is my hero and my mother my superhero. They’re simple people, have never visited a set, not even mine. They’re happy for me but still urge me to complete my education. My brother has two MBAs and a Masters in Social Work, my parents are both post-graduates, I’m the only uneducated one (Laughs).

■ Salman’s Tiger comes out of a room full of poisononous gas, guns blazing, and the audience cheers. How do you create this suspension of disbelief?

Whether it’s Gunday, Tiger Zinda Hai, Sultan or Bharat, you have to connect with the audience in the first 20 minutes by showing something the character does or believes in that makes them root for him. Once that happens, they are with him even when he single-handedly decimates an entire army. If a superhero is selfless, and you have a star like Salman Khan, whom the audience loves, playing him, half the battle is won.

■ What makes Salman a superhero?

His honesty and earnestness. His communication with his audience is very direct. And even when he lives a character, Salman Khan doesn’t disappear 100 per cent. Whether its Tiger, Sultan or Bharat, his magical presence in there in the characters.

■ Has he evolved through the three films you’ve done together?

He was very evolved in the first film itself. I was the one who learnt from him. SK is a deep, mature and beautiful actor/human being, and when he identifies with an emotion, it just flows. There’s a scene in Sultan when he takes off his shirt and looks at his slightly out-of-shape body in the mirror. He avoided doing it till the last day, then suddenly stripped and faced the camera. It was a one-take shot and I couldn’t have asked for anything better. He’s so spontaneous when he’s in character. A star needs to be an actor, or he’ll fizzle out soon. Salman has been around for 30 years and his stardom has only grown.

■ Katrina Kaif and you share a beautiful relationship and she came on-board just days before Bharat rolled; after Priyanka Chopra confi ded her secret in you in the “nick of time” and exited.

Priyanka was doing the film but things happened. As a friend, she shared it with me and I told that her life is most important. She’s still a close friend. We laugh and talk twice a month. I’m very happy for her.

And I’m grateful to Katrina for stepping in. I was honest with her and told her I was sending her a script. If she liked it, we’d discuss it further. She’s my closest friend in Mumbai, we come from similar middleclass backgrounds, our values are the same, and we discuss everything. But on the work front, we’re very transparent with each other. If she doesn’t like something I’m doing, she lets me know and vice versa. In an industry where friendships don’t last even for months, ours has continued for over a decade.

■ What was her reaction to Bharat?

She told me it’s one of my best scripts and she’d do anything to be a part of the film. She’s done a phenomenal job. She’s grown as an actor, has a better command over the language now. She was loved in Mere Brother Ki Dulhan, Tiger Zinda Hai and even her performance in Zero was well received. She’s in top form and the maturity she has brought to Madam Sir’s character is commendable. There were times when on the sets, Salman would take me to a corner and say, “Sir, yeh scene to Katrina le gayi, ab mujhe kuch karna padega.” (Laughs) We are both very fond of her and together in a happy space, so he can crack such jokes.

■ Is your next with Ranveer Singh?

We’re friends, we keep meeting and discussing ideas, but there’s nothing concrete.

■ Sultan 2 or a Tiger 3 happening?

I have a couple of stories and I’d like to return with Tiger someday. I also want to do a love story.

■ With Salman?

(Smiles) There’s a possibility, he’s a big romantic hero. And I always narrate my stories to him first, he’s very objective. Aditya Chopra is another strong influence. In our field, it’s hard to find people you can trust, I’m lucky I have them as my first bouncing boards. But to get out of Bharat, a journey with many shades, I want to do a big action film next. But till Eid, my focus is Bharat.

Mumbai Mirror

[jazzbits]

I’m not going to tag anyone on this but if you’re up to the task feel free to copy, paste, and tag me so I can read your answers!

1. Is there a special person in your life? My mom, dad, bro and hmm ekis

2. Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

I guess uhm yes

3. What’s something you really want right now?

uhm fruits ahh sushi!! I haven’t had my dinner yet and I’m starving.

4. Are you afraid of falling in love?

It’s not an option right now. But if it was the right person I would be fine with it hehe pag naka move on na ako.

5. Do you like the beach?

super yes

6. Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

nah

7. What’s the background on your cell?

My cat

8. Name the last four beds you were sat on?

hotel room's bed, mom and dad's, mine and hmm ate sachi

9. Do you like your phone?

I guess! It’s just an iPhone 6.

10. Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

 No, not at all.

11. Who was the last person added to your contacts?

kuya dexter's.

12. Which hurts most, physical or emotional pain?

Emotional… It lasts longer.

13. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

BOTH OMG

14. Are you tired?

Yes! I slept in so late this morning but still exhausted from last night.

15. How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

Probably about 3 years.

16. Are they a relative?

some of them

17. Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

Well… There’s a reason why they are an “ex” so hopefully yes hahaha jk

18. When did you talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

hmm

19. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

No, that’s not an option right now.

20. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I don’t know.

21. How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

two

22. Is there a certain quote you live by?

I don’t really live by any specific quote.

23. What’s on your mind?

hmm her,  tbh, we used to do this thing like randomly.. she'll be like "sige na magtanong ka pa, ang tagal naman ehh" haha enough kwento naman tayo nito

24. Do you have any tattoos?

no

25. What is your favourite colour?

the color of her eyes

26. Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

No clue!

27. Who are you texting?

Kei.

28. Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

nah

29. Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Yes! Lots of times.

30. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

Yes

31. Do you think anyone has feelings for you right now?

uhm yeah

32. Has anyone ever told you, you have pretty eyes?

Yes

33. Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

I don’t think that would happen but I would probably be upset.

34. Were you single on Valentine’s Day?

No.

35. Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

never been kissed never been touch but totally damaged AMP

36. What do you friends call you?

jazz, bhe, babe, tayan, etc hahah 

37. Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yes.

38. Have you ever cried over a text?

Y E S

39. Where is your last bruise located?

wrist

40. Where is it from?

myself

41. Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

Right now

42. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

natalie

43. Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

CLN, WB, NIKE,

44. Do you wear hats if you’re having a bad hair day?

No. I wear hijab

45. Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

No.

46. Do you make supper for your family?

Yes.

47. Does your bedroom have a door?

Yes.

48. Top 3 webpages?

Email, Youtube and Tumblr.

49. Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

My brother

50. Does anything on your body hurt right now?

My heart..jaw

51. Are goodbyes hard for you?

They can be depending on the person.

52. What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Water probably.

53. How is your hair?

it's all good rn

54. What do you usually do first thing in the morning?

Get out of bed then wash my face

55. Do you think two people can last forever?

It’s definitely possible but you have to put the work in.

56. Think back to January 2007, were you single?

yessss

57. Green or purple grapes?

I like both.

58. When’s the next time you will give someone a big hug?

Probably when get home. aye mom and dad I miss you a lot

59. Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Yes, in her room..I want to hug her and thank her for everything she did for me :)

60. When will be the next time you text someone?

Right now.

61. Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Mandaue again and again, Mall uhm bank

62. What were you doing at 8 this morning?

eating

63. This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Yes <3

64. Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Four actually! mom, dad, my cat, and her

65. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Nope.

66. What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I was crying..dying hmm 

67. Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Countless times…

68. How many windows are open on your computer?

Two! Facebook and Tumblr.

69. How many fingers do you have?

10… 

70. What is your ringtone?

The default iPhone one

71. How old will you be in 5 months?

22

72. Where is your mom right now?

hometown, cotabato city

73. Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

hindi siya masaya sa piling ko oh divaa tagalog naman

74. Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

no

75. Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

Yes I think most of them.

76. Do you remember who you had a crush on in grade 7?

Um yiz

77. Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

enriquez

78. Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms?

no

79. How many people have you liked in the past three months?

Only one.

80. Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

Yes my cousin

81. Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

i want to but hahaha no?

82. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

I don’t do that and I wouldn’t be in my car drunk.

83. If your bf/gf was into drugs would you care?

OFC

84. What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

not impressed

85. Who was your last received call from?

mom

86. If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

No?? What’s with some of these questions?

87. What is something you wish you had more of?

TIME, COURAGE, AND CHANCE

88. Have you ever trusted someone too much?

Yes, I have a habit of that.

89. Do you sleep with your window open?

OFC NOT UGH SO SCARY HUH

90. Do you get along with girls?

uhm yeah

91. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

No.

92. Does sex mean love?

I mean I would like to think it does but it doesn’t all of the time.

93. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

Potentially could be.

94. Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

no

95. Did you sleep alone this week?

Yes, downstairs @sofa hahaha

96. Everyone has somebody to make them happy, do you?

Yes.

97. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Possibly?

98. Who was the last person that you pinky promised?

none

99. How many kids do you want?

shiz we used to like having 10 or more? lol and honestly agreed but now..uhm maybe 2 baby girl and a baby boy

100. Do you like doing tags? sometimes lol

[thehappydromomaniac]

#NoSurbhiNoIshqbaaaz and #EndIshqbaaazWithShivika

I am an ardent fan of serial Ishqbaaaz. And a diehard fan of Shivika especially Annika. I got hooked to Ishqbaaz in the middle of August 2016 because of Shivaay and since then, no turning back. I have watched almost every single episode of it; cried, laughed, angered, agitated and sometimes baffled by it. Ishqbaaaz is the only series that had so much to give. Not the same old sob story or forced romance or boring, draggy plots. The chemistry between the brothers and the pairs are always beautifully portrayed and became the reason for me to follow the series religiously. Kudos to the writer who has even thought about it, the producer and directors who have given it the appropriate treatment, the entire crew for making it happen and the line of talents whom without, this wouldn't be possible at all.

A couple of days back, a news broke all the diehard fan’s hearts - A generation leap in order to save the show. And the main lead, Surbhi Chandna won’t be part of it as she is reluctant to play an older mother character at this point of time - Totally acceptable.

Fans tripped and begin their social media campaign and other whatnot to save their beloved Annika. I was happy to see the unity they had and the unplanned Twitter trend went viral. The issue needed clarification and the show’s producer, Ms Gul Khan was approached. She too answered all questions given honestly. Dear Gul ma’am, first of all, if you ever get to read this post, thanks for what you have given me; Almost 3 years of good entertainment and for always answering honestly without twisting and turning facts. Your honesty and frank personality has constantly been misconstrued as ego but I understand your stand. Being a creative head and controlling the finances at the same time can be a huge burden which you have handled so gracefully. You are an inspiration. I admire you a lot. Stay awesome. Without you, Ishqbaaz, Shivika, Narbhi wouldn't have been possible at all. You believed in it and you gave life to it. Thank you

Now, coming back to the movement “#NoSurbhiNoIshqbaaaz”. I am thrilled by it and to see the love Surbhi has garnered among the young generation who are now driving this campaign. I agree with them. Surbhi is one of the valves in the heart called Ishqbaaaz. Her exit would mean the heart’s function would be compromised. Destruction is inevitable if she leaves. But what I don’t understand is the hatred that is being thrown towards the producer and writer of the show. I have read multiple tweets and comments on Insta that range from disturbingly mean to misplaced hatred; ego, stupid, money-minded, etc. Totally misplaced!

Why misplaced you may ask, since I am in the mood of writing, here you go. 

1. If not for Gul ma’am, we wouldn't have got Shivika or Narbhi. Gul & Harneet CREATED Shivika pair. Technically, they are the first 2 fans. This decision had to be the toughest for THEM. THEY must be the most frustrated compared to any fan out there. Most fans invest a little time on social media or TV to watch, post, comment and then back to their routine life, either work or studies. But for G & H, this is their bread & butter and the food for their creative soul. They work on a daily basis to bring more and more life for those characters. They have more work to do compared to fans who are locking horns with them. Just because they have strong exteriors and practical point of view, they cannot be targeted for such cyber-bullying. Yes, the current reaction towards them is crossing the limits of constructive comments and reaching the line of cyberbullying. Calling them money minded, egoistic. One even condemned Harneet’s writing meanly. That is cyber-bullying, guys. Thank God, it is not affecting them. Or maybe it does, and they are just not showing it. They might be dealing it their own way. But guys, NOT COOL YAAR!

2. The past few months, we have seen the TRP plummet despite a strong fan following in Social Media. The strong fan following did not reflect where it should. Do you think TRP is child's play? This is not a charity organization. This is a business. Most of the fans are educated. You are supposed to be able to analyse this logically. Not impulsively. TRP rates reveal how loved a show is. If viewers don’t watch & numbers don’t show, the channel can only interpret it as “People are not interested in it”. Therefore, it will be pushed to some time slot where it won’t get much appropriate attention. Sponsors or ad times will be affected. These are what feeds the show's finances in the long run - A constant gain of profit or $$$ is needed to cover the production costs, the crews' salary and of course The Actors' salary. And for a show like Ishqbaaz, for the quality I see on screen, it has to cost a fortune. Who is going to give it? You and me? We can’t. But there was one thing that we could have done which we failed - WATCHING THE SHOW IN THE BLOODY TV SO THAT THE TRP DIDN’T GO LOW”. WE FAILED!! 

For a quick read about the importance of TRP for TV programmes, please click the link below. 

https://www.jagranjosh.com/general-knowledge/what-is-trp-and-how-is-it-calculated-1524137013-1

3. For Ishqbaaz to end, means the entire crew could go jobless and once again pushed to look for other opportunities. Which I know isn't going to be easy. Fans are making all kinds of disapproving noises from outside but no one is seeing straight. Gul Khan opened opportunities, gave the crew & talents a way into our hearts. Without her, Ishqbaaaz would have been just an idea on a piece of paper. Almost 3 years ago, she hired them and had faith in them before you & I even thought of Narbhi. Harneet created Shivika on paper. They did all the work. All we did was praising the talents and creating fan followings & factions. And shamelessly insult the very same people who created it. It's like insulting our best friend's parents even though we know our best friend wouldn't have existed if her parents didn't bear her for 9 months & raised her. Don’t forget, the joy of success and the pain of failures hurts them most.

4. You call her egoistic for clarifying her stand without twisting facts, for her straightforward answers, for standing firm of her decision to save her baby whom she gave birth to. Then, you doubt her sanity. If the channel said we are a small bunch, it is because we are reflecting as small bunch where we shouldn't. We should have shown them that we are big in numbers and support by not letting the numbers fall. I ask all of us. Aren't we egoistic too for not even giving a chance to understand her point of view? We are losing entertainment. She is losing the concept/idea she gave birth to. For all your rants and insulting words, may I ask if WE are willing to contribute financially to maintain the series instead of tweeting & spreading hatred? That would be more beneficial. But the truth is, WE didn't even have to do that. All WE had to do was BLOODY WATCHED IT ON TV SO THAT THE TRP WAS STILL GOOD AND THE SHOW WOULD GO ON WITHOUT ALL THIS DRAMA! 

5. If anyone needs to be blamed, it's those fan factions who instigated each other. First Rudy-Soumya fans fought & created the first ripple. Then, Gauri-Omkara. All that unnecessary jealousy towards Shivika. Shivika fans, on the other hand,  were too proud that they cannot be shaken by those fans. Then the Shivika faction further split into separate factions. One wants more Shivika, another more Omkara-Gauri, how are the makers supposed to satisfy everyone? I read all the nasty comments and immature remarks by one to another. Ishqbaaaz fandom parted ways. The larger faction was of course: Shivika. Shivika fans were bigger in number but not enough to carry Ishqbaaaz on its shoulders all by itself. The truth that all the factions and fandom will not accept is they let their ego affect the entire Ishqbaaaz universe. Even now as they read this, they will be too sensitive to the term ‘ego’ - which they conveniently throw at another person but can’t accept their own fault - most of them will be thinking of nasty comments to throw at me for saying it out loud. This was mainly the reason behind the fall of Dil Bole Oberoi. Fandoms came for its defence when it was scrapped and merged but where was the needed viewership when it was running?

6. Now, let’s talk about the digital power that went viral recently. But before that, we must address the matter of online impressions in Hotstar first - Now, I am from Malaysia. Ishqbaaaz has a substantial fan following here. In the channel we are provided with locally, the episodes are far behind, not the latest episodes. My friends & I constantly discuss Ishqbaaaz as everyone knows I am a crazy fan & that I keep myself updated with the latest episodes and progress as part of my daily routine. My day doesn't begin or end without me watching or even thinking about Ishqbaaaz. But you know the sad part for us here, Hotstar is not geographically accessible here. Even if it is, the lack of subtitles can be a bummer because the biggest market for drama here is the Malay market & the South Indian market. Most of us can’t understand Hindi but guess what; Most of us can’t speak Korea and yet the Korean dramas are successfully running here, thanks to subtitles. Ishqbaaaz’s Tamil version was utter nonsense for me as the voices did not give the same impact as the original voices. So, I chose to watch it online via any other sources possible. Mine was an act of desperation.  Not a day goes by without me opening Hotstar, just in case they have made it accessible; Disappointment on daily basis. If Hotstar was available and the subtitled option was available, maybe, just maybe, we could have helped with the global rating but that’s as much as we could have done. The local impression is still the major factor. Which again, whom to blame? Gul & Harneet? Absolutely not! I BLAME those online attention seekers who desperately needed followers and likes in social media that they began posting entire episodes on Insta. The fact is - those people are the biggest reason for all this Pehla Huva Raita. With an easier option to just watch it on Insta, Hotstar was neglected. So, we lost our online numbers as well. Now we don’t even have that ground to defend. Think about it!

Ratings are specific. Entertainment is a business. It survives on its value to bring profit. It is sad to see the fandom is made of a majority of young girls who are supposed to be educated and who are in full capacity to analyse this but are driven by unreasonable hate and anger. We are fans of Annika who is loving, responsible, forgiving, nurturing, fighting for justice without hurting people around her, coming up with quirky but practical solutions, who respect the older people in her life; and yet the girls following her seem to act brashly, unlike her at all. She fights for what she thinks is right but never at the expense of bashing another. Do you see the irony here? You idolize her but failed to follow her good footsteps. And also, I read a few comments about Annika being portrayed as crying a lot lately. Yes, she cried because she is not an emotionless robot. she is just like and me; going through shit on daily basis. But she doesn't lose hope. Annika rarely gives up. Scientific researches have backed that strong people do cry more but they don’t give up. Life can’t be rosy all the time. Without struggle, life becomes boring. and if you think her character has no oomph anymore, maybe it is time to revamp, don’t you think?

And then I see some posts calling to boycott the series now. BRAVO! Just brilliant. I can understand if you want to boycott it after Surbhi is out. But now, while she is still in it, trying her best to bring the numbers up again with the hope that her fans won’t fail her? That’s just brilliant. Instead of helping her, you want to boycott, bring down the numbers and prove Gul ma’ams point? You sure you are a fan? Coz, your actions are not reflecting it. You are supposed to watch it even more now, encourage people around to watch so that the numbers increase exponentially. The same spirit you showed in the Twitter trend, you have to show in front of your TV. Campaign for more people to watch it on TV, your family, neighbours, friends, crushes, etc. Report all the accounts that are conveniently posting the full episodes on Insta. Even if they post a day after, for fans who are convenient with it will go back to their account instead of going to the correct source; HOTSTAR. Pictures seriously won't do much harm unless the pictures show the entire scene. If it shows one juicy scene, it will trigger people’s curiosity to watch it. The real culprits are those who post the episodes. That is not loving. You are butchering Surbhi’s talent for your own greed to get more followers and likes. You want people to go to your account instead of TV and HOTSTAR. So, you are increasing the possibility for the numbers to go down and thanks to that, makers need to look into other angles which have directly affected SC now. So, blame them, not the makers.

The makers have tried and are trying many angles, plot after plot. Seriously, I have followed another Indian series before (which I am not going to name) with the unchanged plot for more than 3 years now. Before the leap, they lead pair didn’t get along, villains always separating them, went on in a circle for years until I got fed up. Leap after leap, the same plot. Even after a major leap, once again the same. The villains always get the better out of everything. The TRP is high still. But that is not the case for Ishqbaaaz. Harneet has given brilliant character progress for the leads, the chemistry between the pairs and who can deny the brilliant love of the Oberoi brothers. Villains are always defeated with Obros & Obahus’ togetherness. No other drama out there did that. And yet, all her efforts are forgotten and you are blaming her for her writing? Her plots are smart. And yes, it is a series end of the day, and it has to have some masala and some ups and down. The plots did get boring at some point but always managed to bounce back. Different angles had to be explored.Y ou think they thought Shivika would be a craze when they first introduced them to us? They just did it by hoping it would and it did. Just like that, they tried coming up with plots after plots but some failed. No one and nothing is perfect. We are all humans and we are all flawed.

For a series named ISHQBAAAZ, the fandom is sure showing a lot of hatred. That won’t solve this. Only love would. Stop fighting and focus on uniting. Start a mission to prove to Gul ma’am and the channel that the fans can BRING BACK GOOD TRP if they unite; THEN, YOU ARE ALL TRUE FANS.

Gul ma’am, I don’t know if you would ever get to read this. I hope it finds its way to you. I know your action is merely to keep the show running. I can understand that you are the most affected party in this. I used to work in the TV industry, so I know a little about how it works. I don’t agree with most of the things that are said to you. But there is one thing that I think might have worked. - Marketing is very important for all products. Ishqbaaaz (just as much as I am emotionally attached to) is also a product. It has a good fan following but something is misplaced. I don’t know what but there are some things that could be done to help get it back on track. I believe in doing everything doable possible before moving on. If you have the same belief, you may read further.

You have seen better numbers for the show before, so you do know that it is not impossible to bring back those numbers. And you can’t be taking everyone’s suggestions for the plots, etc. It is your drama. Your baby. Plots aside, here are some marketing suggestions. I don’t know how effective these could be. But we will never know if we don’t give it a go.

1) Urge the casts to posts videos in their Insta & Twitter urging them to watch it on TV or Hotstar. Their fans will listen to them.

2) Initiate a campaign - throw a contest; A watch & win contest. Real-time contest where they have to answer within 10 minutes of the episode end on TV, via SMS or online. This contest should not be posted in Hotstar and should be an exclusive TV contest. The prize could be a dinner session with the Ishqbaaaz team or the lead pair or either one of them. This could encourage the fans to watch it on TV.

3) I don’t know if Ishqbaaaz has a digital marketing team. If you do but most fans are unaware of it, it means the team needs to up its game. The digital team has to overshadow all the fandom or better, work along. Your team could both look out for accounts that violate and post episodes, report and block it and also join forces with the active fan clubs by feeding them exclusive pics and vid bits in exchange for turning the traffic back to where it should be; TV and HOTSTAR. Again, an online HOTSTAR exclusive contest with probably signed merchandises as prizes could be a good hook.

4) Please consider the ASEAN market for HOTSTAR. Maybe we could help too.

I believe the redux is about to end. Just matter of Shivaay & Annika’s confession. Once the redux ends, I assume the next is going to be exploring the pregnancy track. All of us fans have been waiting for this to happen. Seeing Shivika’s parenting skills have been long dreamt by all of us. We really hope to see that. If even that doesn't work, then probably nothing much can be done to avoid the generation leap. But frankly, it would be much graceful to end it with Shivika. Ishqbaaaz is synonymous with Shivika and Obros, taking it away means taking the essence of Ishqbaaaz away. Though, I don’t think I am in any position to condemn your attempts to breathe new life to the series. Only you know how much investment of time, effort, blood, sweat and money has gone into this. It is easy for us to tell you to kill it with grace, but you are the one living the pain. In many ways, i can associate myself with Annika’s character as in real life I am as emphatatic. I am quirkier and even more stubborn than Annika though. Thank you for showing me a reflection of myself.  

If anyone is going to argue that other successfully running dramas are also available on Instagram but it doesn't affect their TRP, it simply means, their fandom is strong enough to watch it on TV and don’t allow other factors cloud them or disintegrate them. They are doing their job right. Now, it’s our turn. Seriously, if I am part of the makers, for all the inappropriate hatred showered, I would lose my interest to even think of making it better. They must be highly motivated to deal with all this and still go on with this tiring job. Anyways, spamming inboxes, ambushing the offices, trending helps a little. But you know what will help the most? WATCHING ISHQBAAAZ ON TV! LET THE TRP TALK TO THEM COZ THAT’S THE RIGHT LANGUAGE TO GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS!

Last but not least. Thanks, to everyone for reading this long post. I hope the series that has woke me up everyday feeling good will not end too soon. And yes, I support #NoSurbhiNoIshqbaaaz and #EndIshqbaaazWithShivika

Constructive comments are welcomed.

Insta: @arulkc

[keahvalenzuela]

CRAZY

Hi, Love!

I’ve always wanted to call you that. LOVE. How are you? How are we? It’s been more than a year. Crazy, isn’t it?

So allow me to refresh how this craziness began. I love to reminisce you know. It’s the only thing I do when “us” seem to blur sometimes. I try my hardest to remember how far we’ve become. How close we are now. How comfortable I am when I speak to you. I love to be reminded of the good things, of the sweetest moments, of the near-romance that the rest of the world doesn’t know about. And I pray to God every single night that this secret of ours will reach the people who needs to hear it one day. And by that time, I hope we’re together to tell it because finally... we made it.

So here it goes...

Year-end 2019. Our turning point. Plenty of things have already happened before that and I plan to write a separate entry about it. For now, let me focus on that year-end party.

It was a very endearing night. The wind was chilly as expected for a holiday season. Me and my friends got to the venue first. We were waiting for the rest so we started the little chitchats and we helped prepare the food. They asked me to tell you to buy “fishballs” so we can have an extra pulutan. I chatted you. You replied agreeing with me. Have I told you this yet? Doon pa lang sa parte na sinabihan kitang bumili ng fishballs, nagpapanic na agad ako. It was probably because I got a little pressured by your hilarious condition when you accepted my invitation for that event. Naaalala mo pa ba? Sabi mo sakin sasama ka “basta ba magpapaka-wasted ka (ako)” so I can spill and drop the names of Crushes A, B, and C. You were only joking, of course. But as an awkward human, I couldn’t help but feel shy.

Few minutes later, you arrived with your two other friends. You were wearing a mustard yellow shirt underneath a black jacket paired with a black fitted denim pants and black sneakers. Your neck was adorned with a silver necklace and your left wrist with a bracelet and a white watch. It was a simple getup but you were dashing that very night.

You sat beside me. I panicked again for a moment. But there was something in your warmth that got me so relaxed. We started to catch up. Isang tanong, isang sagot. Awkwaaaaard. But it was funny though.

Fast forward to exchange gifts. The first draw was called off because I picked my own. On the second one, to my surprise, you got mine. There were tons of teasing from our friends as they thought you handpicked my present. And I always wonder if you randomly got it or you personally chose it. So which is which? I want to know.

Then the highlights came. Liquor were mixed. Shots after shots. Hard drinks after hard drinks. We were all laughing, talking, drinking. Carpe diem-ing. All of us were enjoying the moment. And I swear to God, it was one of the happiest memories of my life.

You opened your phone camera and took random shots of me. I felt my face flushed. So I tried to snatch your phone away but you wouldn’t let me. We were grappling over it but it turned out we were unconsciously hugging each other. Then one of our friends blurted out, “May nagyayakapan na dito sa tabi ko.” I smiled inwardly as I was too kilig to realize you were trying to flirt. I wonder yet again. How did I look in those pictures? Did you keep it? Or did you delete it?

As the night sank deeper, I knew then that our feelings were growing deeper too. We talked, poked fun at each other, teased one another... until you grabbed my hand and intertwined it with yours. My heart pounded loudly in my chest. I froze and melted in my seat. I was panicking, hard. As a reflex, I loosen your grip and took my hand back. But you were so insistent that you kept on holding it tighter and tighter so as not to let of me. And I yielded to your sweetness and persistency. I was the happiest.

"Thank you." You whispered in my ears.

"For what?"

"Sa pakikinig sa lahat ng rants ko." You sheepishly confessed.

Never did I expect anything when you were sharing your rants with me. But hearing those words? Those grateful words? I teared up a little. My heart grew bigger.

And I've always wanted to say this.Thank you, too. You have no idea how happy I was (and I still am) to be trusted by you. I never wish you pain. But if you're hurting or if you feel sad, I hope I'll be the first person you'd run to. Tell me everything. Tell me anything. I want to learn your story. Basta ikaw, hindi ako hihindi.

The next thing we both knew was that we were taking photos. You initiated it... as you always do. You moved your face closer to mine. You leaned on me as you wrapped your arms around my waist. It was as if your frame was built just for me because we fitted, effortlessly. The air was cold but with your body huddled over my body, I could withstand any freezing night. I love your warmth. I long for your warmth. Kelan ka ba uuwi? Miss na kitaaaa. Sobra.

Everyone was already tanked but the shot was still making rounds. It was my turn to drink but I declined for I was feeling like throwing up. Instead you took the shot glass and gulped the liquid down. Then you ushered me inside the house.

I was laying down the floor ready to sleep. But you were still trying to flirt so I hid beneath the blanket to stop you. But you wouldn't stop. You slipped under it. And you were now on top of me. You kissed my cheeks and I was bewildered. You asked me to kiss you back. "Sa cheeks lang." You murmured. But I didn't... for I take kisses seriously. I got slightly annoyed so I got up. And I felt like you got a little mad because you suddenly wanted to go home.

You were too drunk to drive and I couldn't let you go in that state. So I robbed your keys and took you with me in a trike. Sabi mo pa nga dun ako matulog sa inyo. Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ba o maiinis ako. Pero syempre mas kilig! I love the clingy you. Please always be clingy with me. Make me weak. I wouldn't mind. Promise.

You sat on the trike floor. Your back resting on my chest. It appeared like I was hugging you from behind because you searched again for my hand and intertwined it passionately with yours. Then you gently planted your kisses. Once. Twice. Thrice and more. I lost count. I was too busy relishing every kisses... feeling the softness of your lips. We weren't the only passenger in that trike but I didn't give a damn. I was lost in the moment. I was enjoying the moment with you in my arms.

We reached the front of municipal hall. We got off and I was ready to walk you home. But I never did because I was told you can make it alone. As much as I wanted to protest, I knew it's time for me and my friends to go home too. So we let each other go and went our separate ways.

Come to think of it. That was the last time I saw you. You were waving your hands as the trike drove away right from where you were standing.

Crazy, isn't it? It's been more than a year yet I still think about that night.

I should've held your hands tighter.

I should've let you take more pictures of us.

I should've leaned on your shoulders.

I should've kissed you back.

  Ikaw pa rin. 

Sana ako pa rin.

Posted: April 1st 2021 at 1:56am

Edited: April 1st 2021 at 10:31am

April fools day. But not my feelings for you.

[walakangkatulad]

September 2020.

After 11 years of "no meet-ups and tambays" (like we used to, wayback 2009), here you are now sitting next to me. Can't stop myself from staring at you, mahal ko (you’re so handsome and cutie kasi haha). Still can't believe you're mine. Huhu. Dati kasi we were just tropas and used to bola and bully each other lols, but you were also one of my shields sa mga nagkakagusto sa akin - kapag kasama ko kayo ng barkada, ang nasa isip nila is isa sa inyo ang bf ko. *Haba ng hair!* Basta I felt safe when I was with you, kayo nila Karlo and Jessica (actually marami kaming magkakasama noon, many to mention e). Hehe. **"Please don't judge me peeps, I'm one of the boys kasi. Hahaha. I prefer to be with men than girls 'coz that's where I'm comfortable. (Sa ganyan nagka-issue sakin ex ko nung College kasi mga lalaki raw kasa-kasama ko. Hello? Kakapanganak lang? Alam kasi mga gawain ng tropa niya kaya ayaw na sila ang nakakasama ko noon, gawain rin niya e. HAHAHAHAHA.)*** I know na wala yan sa'yo baby, hindi ka mahilig sa issues e kahit nga sino ang kasama ko basta pinakilala ko na sayo, hinahayaan mo na ako. Kasi you are mature enough. Really appreciate it tho. I had 3 girl friends then (kasama namin nila baby and Karlo), but only 1 loyal girl friend stayed. She's one of the boys rin kasi kaya solid kami. We didn't want girly dramas noon, happy-go-lucky lang. Kahit 4 lang kaming natira sa tropa now, goods naman. Less is better than having a lot of backstabber fake friends. 😂

Back to you, baby! Haha. I really appreciate your effort, for coming here sa Manila just to be with me in spite of the pandemic. Saludo ako sa'yo! ♥️

After my last relationship - year 2018, I was not in a hurry to have a relationship again. Maybe I was just too tired then, I just wanted to enjoy life alone (self-love ba). No stress, no heavy thoughts. Just me and my fave people, my family. Since then, I’ve decided to travel and go on adventures with my friends and not so called friends, lol (on-the-spot ba 😂). Ayun, I enjoyed my 2 years being single - may suitors ako before buti na lang hindi ako nagmadali. Haha. I had plans pa after my Mt. Madjaas climb (Iloilo escapade last January 2020), more mountains, beaches, other countries pa sana. Sad news, Covid-19 came. Quarantine. Lockdown. No social life. No gala. Tsk.

Then you came. You wiped out my sad days and not so normal days while WFH ako, good news na WFH ka rin. Hehe. To be honest, WFH is unhealthy lalo na ngayong pandemic (but we have to follow protocols, so no choice), kasi possible na you may experience stress and depression especially when you are alone - like literal na no one’s with you. Big impact na yung makausap mo ang mga mahal mo lalo na ang family kahit video calls lang.

Thank you for choosing me and our relationship ‘always’ despite my toyoness kahit noong VidCalls set-up pa lang tayo. Stay being kind, humble and positive. Andito lang ako for you. I'll support you hangga't kaya ko. Sobrang laki ng improvement ko since ikaw ang kasama ko. You’re a great blessing to me, Baby. I love you, always. ♥️

[the-seventhmoon]

Dear Lord,

I know I don’t talk to you often but I also know that You know that You’re in my heart; You’re the driver of my life. I have lifted everything up to You. It may be late but it was all worth it. You were always there for me especially when I felt so alone in life. Back then, my prayers were “Okay lang ako, Lord. Wag mo na ako intindihin. Unahin mo na sila.” and then I realized You’re a jealous God - You want to feel needed so now, You’re everything I need Lord. Thank you for saving me. I remember back in college, the cross was here in our place and it was one of the my darkest nights. I felt so alone and completely lost with life. My relationship with You wasn’t like this pa. During that sad night when I couldn’t take it anymore I went out of my room and went to our sala where the cross was. Immediately when I saw the cross, I burst into tears. I don’t really remember what I prayed that night but I remembered crying heavily. My arms on the table and my knees on the floor. Ang bigat bigat ng pakiramdam ko noon. I could still remember the feeling even up to now and whenever that cross visits here that’s all I can think about - that one sad night. It may be bad but it was like I have no one else to turn to but You.  Gumaan pakiramdam ko noon. Ofcourse there’s still the sad feeling but I felt like something was lifted off of me that night. I’m sorry Lord kung hindi ako madalas lumapit Sayo even up to now. Alam Niyo naman po ako, pa-strong. You’re all I have Lord whenever those sad nights strike until someone came into my life. Si Mark. You lend me Mark and I was super thankful po. I had someone whom I can share all my worries, sadness and what not. I was comfy enough to be myself with him and I don’t get to do that with a lot of people. In a way, Mark was my saving grace. I could just call him and cry and everything feels better. He would just listen to me pag humahagulgol ako and to be honest, knowing the fact that he’s there calms me down. I am not alone anymore. Nandyan na si Mark. It went on for seven years. Even though he’s asleep I would bombard him with my messages filled with frustrations and sometimes I think “Hindi kaya masisira umaga nito? Ang heavy ng mga sinasabi ko.” but he did not mind it at all. He would wake up and tell me he loves me. He would pretend na walang nangyari ‘cause he knows I don’t like talking about it. He waits for me to open up and gaddam Lord he fills my heart. Ugh Lord. Sometimes I miss him. But as I’ve said, on loan lang pala siya. He was not meant for me. He was meant to stay lang all throughout my college years - nothing more, nothing less. He didn’t even get to see me wearing my toga. I know he would have been proud. Yung babaeng tinyaga niyang pakinggan ung frustrations and all finally graduate na. I somehow fulfilled our dream - to graduate in Mapua. At least I did that. I speak very fondly of Mark not because I still love him but he is one of the greatest gift and lesson and for that Lord, maraming salamat. At least I get to experience that kind of love. The time I cried heavily in front of the cross I think was after Mark and I broke up. Nawala po kasi yung anchor ko. He was my balance and nung nawala siya, nawala na ung order. I don’t know how to explain it Lord. After him, no one came close. I had relationships, yes but it was different Lord. May kulang. I tried to convince myself that this is what I want but in reality, nacocompare ko sometimes. I can’t remember if I’ve cried in front of Ten. I did but because it was emotionally draining. With Kiko, I think I forced myself to cry just to feel human. It was nice but it didn’t felt right. With Ryan, I didn’t even cry to him when my tita passed away. Supposedly, he should be the one who I wanna hug. When the incident in my room happened, I forced myself to cry but I can’t really feel a thing. I can’t cry in front of people anymore - actually I don’t really cry in front of anyone lol. I’m not comfy enough. But it made me think, si Mark lang talaga. Hay.

You may be wondering why I’m writing or talking to you like this again. Lord, I’m in pain. When I started writing this I actually don’t know what to say. “Kaya mo na ba this early mag sulat?” is what I asked myself. You know that aside from talking to You, my outlet is writing. I turn my feelings into words. And now, I’m doing it again. As I’ve said Lord, I’m in pain. I have been fooled. Ang sakit, Lord. Gusto ko ng isang mahigpit na yakap, Lord. Take it all away I don’t want it po. I never wanted this.

Hindi ko pa siya nakwekwento Sainyo, Lord. His name is Jasy. It’s actually Jussy but I liked Jasy better, feels like ako lang may ganun tawag sakanya nun even though it’s the same pronunciation. He’s amazing, Lord. He really is. I mean I wouldn’t get all emotional like this for an ‘okay’ guy, right? He’s a civil engineer and he lives in his own world where everything is perfect. He made me comfy with my body and encourages me to express myself. He listens to me although he cuts me mid-sentence cos maybe he gets excited with my stories and I love it when I cut him off too, “Ako pa diba? Di pa ko tapos.” and his face would turn into this cute little thing na parang he got scolded by his mother. He’s such a cuddly bear. He’s older than me; older than most guys I’ve dated. He acts like a child and my oh my do I love taking care of him. “You ate na? Drank water? Smoked ilan na?” Those are my 3 magical questions and he never misses to fail one of those. He forgot to eat, he drank just one glass tapos pagabi na, smoked more than usual and such. Even so, I love him. I think I will never get tired of those questions and I will never get tired of reminding him. I love him, Lord. I still do and right now my heart aches ‘cause I can never be with him. I can never really call him my own - he was never mine, Lord. You see, he has a partner po. You see Lord why we can’t be together? Yeah, I got fooled. But you know what Lord? I’m not mad. For that, thank You. You have given me a sufficient amount of understanding so I wouldn’t have any resentment in my heart, maraming salamat. But that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt. I saw something in him Lord. In my head, itong lalaking to is not your usual gwapo guy (for me he is though) but he has a lot more to offer. He’s smart, malambing, sweet, may plano sa buhay, has a good heart, good conversationalist and whenever I’m with him I feel safe. He is everything I’ve ever wanted Lord. And alam Niyo pa po? My sad nights were gone cos of him. He brought back something in me. He gave me happines, no, he was my happiness.  After Mark, the sad nights returned as predicted. You know me, I don’t normally open to anyone. But with this guy, walls down. Those simple video calls before going to sleep was the most precious thing ever Lord. Someone’s giving me their time and my heart is full. May nagbibigay sakin ng time, Lord. Biruin mo yun? Dati ako lang Lord. Dati tayong dalawa lang. Minsan nakakalimutan ko pa ngang nandyan Ikaw eh. Those sad nights were gone. Somehow, I think it was because of him. He took care of me in his own little ways and those little things had a huge impact in my heart. I fell inlove. It was a wonderful infinity. An infinity that I wouldn’t regret happening ‘cos I was happy, Lord. For the first time in a long long time, I felt like everything has aligned - everything was in favor of me. That what I have right now is perfect. I have a good job, the salary isn’t that bad, I have a nice home, I have my own space, no one in the family has been affected by the pandemic, I have trustworthy friends whom I can call whenever I’m down, and I have him. I’m sorry but tangina Lord wala na akong hihingin pa. It was like the way I look at the moon changed. Before I look at it because I’m sad but now I look at it because I’m happy. Even though he is leaving for another country, I felt like I can convince him to talk to me still. I wanted to be with him. In all of my imaginations, it’s me bumping into him after 1-2 years. I’m still single and so is he. We would then reunite and the rest is history. Kaso I don’t think that would happen. A few days ago, I found out he has a girlfriend. The guy I fell inlove with has a girl na pala. I was oblivious to everything. Ofcourse, I had a hunch but I did not really expect it to be true - I want it not to be true. Lord, You know I love being right but this is the only time na sana mali ako. Mabilis rin akong makaramdam and sana sana hindi nalang. Magaling ako sa mga bagay if I put my mind into it and sana hindi nalang ako nag pursue hanapin. I could just live in the moment. I can just act dumb. Grabe Lord ang sakit po pala. Ang sakit maging tama. Ang hirap maging tama. Ang bigat maging tama. Ayoko nalang maging tama. For the sake of being right, nasaktan ako nang sobra. I stopped immediately. I don’t want to but I have to. I miss him, I really do. I miss looking at him. I miss him sleeping on my chest. I miss his arms and legs wrapped around my body. I miss hugging him. I miss how it felt so right being with him. It was like nothing else matters. All the worries are gone, the world does not matter when I’m with him. I wanted to stop time. I want to stay in that moment forever pero may mga bagay talagang hindi para sayo kahit anong pilit mo. Kahit anong dasal mo. Kahit sobrang sakit na ng puso mo just to make it happen - kung hindi para sayo, hindi talaga para sayo. Yung pakiramdam na para kang nasa alapaap tapos biglang dumilim. Hindi ako takot sa dilim pero nung nalaman kong sa dilim na yun ay wala na pala siya - nawalan ako ng lakas. That’s when I knew he was all that matters to me. He is the sole provider of my strength. You gave him to me to support me, Lord. To lift me up and encourage me with life. Maybe You saw me crying one night and thought, “Siguro nakalimutan na niya yung pakiramdam nang may karamay. Nakalimutan na niyang may tao pa palang pwede siyang matakbuhan. Na hindi pala siya nag iisa. Siguro kailangan niya si Jasy at itong si Jasy kailangan rin siya para maramdaman naman rin niya kung paano ang pakiramdam to be taken care of. Baka kasi nakalimutan na nila ung mga ganung pakiramdam sa buhay. Natoughen up ko na sila pareho kaya siguro they deserve to smile for a little while.” You looked down on us and decided we needed each other and You were right. You’re always right, Lord. Kaso shortlived. 

Sometimes I want to ask why. Why did you let this happen? What lesson would I gain from this? Am I not strong enough for You, My Lord, that I have to undergo another hardship? Another trial? Haven’t I had enough? Don’t I deserve to be happy? And of all people, why me? Why me. I am somewhere in between losing interest with people and wanting to be loved and cared for and yet here I am questioning the purpose of all of it - mukang on the verge of not wanting to be involve with someone.

Lord, I know You have plans for me but for once why? This kind of pain isn’t the same pain I’ve experienced before. Siguro nga iba iba ang sakit na dulot ng iba’t ibang tao dahil iba iba rin ung saya at pagmamahal na nabigay ko at nila sakin. Iba iba ang impact ng tao sa atin kaya iba iba ung nararamdaman natin para sakanila. Hindi ko po masabing ito na ang pinaka masakit na nangyari sakin. This is not comparable to the pain I’ve previously felt but I must admit na it hurts like hell. Ang tagal ko nang sinusulat to when normally I finish something in one sitting. My heart just couldn’t take it. I started writing this the day after the incident and yes, it was really too soon to be writing. Nandun na lahat ng emotions and my chest was really heavy - even up to now - but after 4 straight days of crying and pretending I’m okay I’m finally can say na I’m coping. I may not be entirely okay with the situation but I’m moving forward. I choose to move forward. Gusto ko pa Lord, yes, alam ko You’re in heaven naka faceplam because of how stupid it sounds but gusto ko pa sana. Wala eh, I love him. I was talking to Lyle and I told him what I wanted - a one last hurrah. Maybe an overnight or a 3 day stay in some place and we can pretend nothing’s going on. After that, wala na. He told me that it’s up to me. He knows I hate cheating (even though I did that myself) so he said it’s only a matter of decision for me between my feelings and my morals. At this point, I think I’m choosing my morals. Ayoko magsalita ng tapos, Lord, pero sana hindi na mabago ung decision ko. Mahirap ung withdrawing sa isang bagay na kinasanayan mo na. It may be shortlived but it meant a lot to me to be with someone like that - someone who took his time just to talk to me. Someone whom I felt safe. Someone na akala ko pag bumalik dito sa Pinas ay magkakaroon ng way para magkita kami at start again where we left off. Ganun lahat ng imagination ko noon. Magkikita kami somewhere unexpectedly, nakuha ko na lahat ng gusto ko - alapit na matapos yung debts ni mama, I have my own place na, I am at a position at work na I can really be proud of and sasabihin ko sakanya yun with a proud look at my face because he is one of the reason bakit ako nagpursige. It’s because someone believed in me. Someone told me I can. Someone made me feel that I can do great things. (Fuck, di ako pwedeng umiyak may charcoal mask ako sa muka. Haha. Kaya control the emotion muna Steph. Tiis ganda muna.) So ayun, we would date again and lived happily ever after. Pero again, sinampal nanaman ako ng realidad. Okay lang, this isn’t the first time I was slapped in the face with reality. I just thought this time it would me my time. I guess it was too good to be true.

Lord, heal me. You made me into this strong woman and I am very very much grateful. Sometimes, I wonder “saan ko kinukuha tong lakas ng loob na to”. It all comes from You but You know what Lord? I feel alone with this strength. I know I have You but sometimes I feel lonely. Idk what to make out of this or why I’m saying this but I really do at times. I just stand up straight and tell myself na hindi, hindi ito yung mag papabagsak sakin. He’s just a guy. Madaming guys out there who would still treat me the way I wanted to be treated. Right now, I may only want him but I’m sure as time pass by this thoughts and feelings would be long gone. I just hope the withdrawal and healing process won’t take that long. When the time comes that I come across the guy that is really for me, I hope I’m not too blind and scarred for him. I hope my walls wouldn’t be that high. I hope I welcome him with all of me. I hope I won’t have doubts because of what happened. I hope I’m whole. And if I’m not, my Lord, I hope you gave him the patience and understanding to wait for me. I hope he doesn’t give up that easily because I know I won’t with him. I was watching “That Thing Called Tadhana” last night and there was a line there

“Makakarecover pa ba ako?”

“Makakarecover ka.”

“Sure na sure ka dyan ah.”

“Alam mo kasi... ang pagmamahal na ganyan, yung love na pinapakita mo kung gaano ka ka-overwhelming parang impossibleng walang puntahan yan. Mababalik na mababalik din yun sayo. Not necessarily sa taong pinagbibigyan mo pero sigurado ako babalik sayo yan.”

And I can’t wait, Lord. I know it will be amazing because it’s Your plan but for now I will have to endure muna. Idk exactly the purpose or the lesson yet pero I trust You. It could still be Jasy or maybe Mark or a person I haven’t met yet but I know na this person is going to be amazing.

Lord, yakapin mo ako every night. I will smile until it no longer hurts. I will smile for myself and for the person who is really for me para when the time comes na makikilala ko na siya, buo ako. I’ve endured everything and is ready for the kind of love he will be giving me.

Maraming salamat Lord for listening. Truly you’re amazing. Hanggang dito muna ako. I’m not sure if this will be the last time I will be writing to You or about this but know for You na You have all of me. I trust and believe in You.

To enduring until it no longer hurts. :)

Goodnight.

[my-day-to-day-routine]

Patiently Awaiting for Right Time 🤨😐😔😔😔😔😔😔

सभी दोस्तों को मेरा प्रणाम,

दोस्तों  मैंने देखा है कि पहले (कोरोना काल के पहले) नौकरी पेशा के लोग शुक्रवार को ही छुट्टी के मूड में आ जाते थे।  और उनके चेहरे की ख़ुशी शुक्रवार को अलग ही होती थी। अजब सा उत्साह, और उमंग के साथ काम करते थे। इस चाह में की आने वाले दो दिन उनको छुट्टी मिलेगी तो वे लोग कही घूमने के लिए बाहर निकल जायेंगे। लेकिन मैंने उस समय को भी देखा है जब वह इंसान छुट्टी के मूड में होता है और अचानक उनके साहब बोलते है की शनिवार और रविवार को उनको कार्यालय में आना होगा।  तब उस बेचारे का हाव भाव देखने से ऐसा नहीं लगता था की वह खुश  है। लेकिन मरता क्या न करता  उसे काम तो करना ही है। आखिर सवाल जीवन व्यापन का जो है।  

लेकिन दोस्तों कभी आपने यह सोचा है कि मेरे जैसा किसान जिसके पास कोई नौकरी नहीं है। बस अपनी ही खेती पर निर्भर रहता है।  उसका क्या हाल होगा इस कोरोना काल में।  अब मेरे पास ही फिलहाल कुछ काम ही नहीं है।  बैठे है।  अब दोस्तों इस बात का अंदाजा लगाइये की ४० की उम्र में आकर भी कोई इंसान अगर खाली बैठा हो।  तो सोचने की बात होती है।  कुछ दिन पहले एक मेरे मित्र मुझसे मिले और बोले की कुछ काम क्यों नहीं करते।  मैंने बोलै क्या करू कोई रखता ही नहीं तो काम कैसे करेंगे। जब कहीं जाओं तो उनको अंग्रेजी चाहिए और मुझे अंग्रेजी आती नहीं। अब उसमे मेरी भी एक कठिनाई है की अंग्रेजी का पूरा शब्द मिला ले तो मेरे ख्याल से ज्यादा से ज्यादा ४००० शब्दों की भाषा है।  उतना शब्द तो हमारे एक गाँव  में  बोली जाती है।  

आपको पता ही होगा की हमारी सिर्फ मराठी भाषा में ही १ लाख से ज्यादा शब्द है।  हिंदी भाषा में डेढ़ लाख से ज्यादा शब्द है।  और संस्कृत में तो समंदर की गहराई भी कम पड़ जाएगी इतने शब्द है।  और बाकी भाषाओँ को तो आप छोड़ दीजिये।सबका बताने जाऊंगा तो आप बोलेगे ये क्या बोल रहा है।   लेकिन हम आज के पीढ़ी के लोग है। हम सिर्फ अंग्रेजी को ही तवज्जो देते है ऐसा क्यों।  हमारे देश की संस्कृति में इतने भाषाओँ का संगम है की मैं बता नहीं सकता। मेरे शब्द भी कम पड़ जायेंगे।  

तो वे बोले की अरे बहुत काम है बाजार में। तुमको इतना अनुभव है बाजार का कोई भी विषय हो तो ऐसा नहीं लगता की तुमसे कुछ छूट रहा है। और इतना अनुभव और उसमे सबसे बड़ी बात १५ साल का सेल्स अनुभव होना बहुत बड़ी बात होती है। तो मैंने बोला की काम तो बहुत है।  लेकिन मुझे जिसमे ख़ुशी मिले वह काम ना के बराबर है। 

या जहा है वहा के लोग मुझे रखने से कतरातें है। तो उन्होंने बोले की एक ऑनलाइन कपडे की दूकान खोल लो।  और अपने सोशल मीडिया के द्वारा उसे फैला दो।  शायद कुछ काम हो जाये।  यह शब्द मुझे बहुत अच्छा लगा।  और मैंने बस छण भर में ही उसपर काम शुरूकर दिय। हालांकि उनको मेरे दूसरे काम के बारे में पता नहीं था।  लेकिन कुछ भी हो उन्होंने मुझे फिलहाल एक अच्छा सुझाव दिया।  और मैंने उसे तत्काल अमल में ला दिया। 

और शायद आप सब इसका भरपूर लाभ उठा रहे होंगे। 

चलिए हम आज अपनी दिनचर्या की ओर प्रस्थान करते है। 

मैं सोने चला गया और मैं सोने की बहुत कोशिश करने लगा। लेकिन रात भर मैं सिर्फ यह सोचकर खुश हो रहा था कि कल मेरी सारी मुसीबतों का समाधान हो जाएगा। और मैं कल ही अपने गांव के लिए प्रस्थान कर जाऊंगा। 

और यही सोच कर मुझे नींद आ गयी और मैं सो गया। भोर में मैं  उठते ही अपनी धरती माँ को प्रणाम किया और अपने प्रभु को याद करने के बाद अपनी दिनचर्या में लग गया। 

मैंने अपने साहब को उठाने के लिए उनके दरवाजे पर लगी कड़ी को बजाने लगा।  और साहब उठ गए उन्होंने बोले चलो जल्दी से तैयार हो जाओ हमको निकलना है। मैंने बोला ठीक है। हमलोगों ने नाश्ता किया और  अपनी मंजिल की ओर निकल पड़े।  अब तकरीबन २ घंटे बाद हमलोग एक बड़े से बंगलो में पहुंचे और हमलोग बड़े साहब ( जो शायद पैसा देनेवाले थे) उनका   इंतजार करने लगे।  दोपहर हो गयी। फिर शाम हो गयी।  अभी तक आये नहीं बड़े साहब।  अब मैं तो बहुत परेशान हो गया।  कि ये हो क्या रहा है।  ये साहब भी गायब हो गए। 

अचानक उनके केयरटेकर को फ़ोन आया की आज वो बड़े साहब नहीं आने वाले है।  वे कहीं मीटिंग में फसे हुए है।  और उन्होंने ४ दिन बाद आने बोला है।  अब मैं बहुत ही ज्यादा परेशान हो गया।  अरे जो मिलने वाला है पैसे वो भी अब लटकते जा रहा है।  अब तो ऐसा लग रहा था कि मानों मेरे आँखों के सामने पूरा अँधेरा छा गया हो। न ही मेरी समझ में कुछ आ रहा था और ना ही शायद मेरे साहब की समझ में। हम दोनों सुबह से लेकर शाम तक बैठे उनका इंतज़ार करने में भूखे रहे और काम भी  नहीं हुआ। फिर से मेरे कल के कुछ सोचे हुए सपने टूट गए। 

 हर एक दिन मुझे कुछ सीखा रहा था। और मैं भी अपने उस समय से दृढ़ता के साथ सीखते चला जा रहा था। और मेरे पास चारा ही क्या था सिखने के सिवाय। मैं अपने जीवन के उस प्रवाह में बहते जा रहा था शायद जिसका कोई किनारा मिलना उस समय तो मुश्किल दिख रहा था। अब हम सब अपने घर के लिए निकल पड़े।  और फिर २ घंटे में अपने घर पहुंचे। 

मेरी उस स्थिति का अंदाजा लगा पाना बहुत ही मुश्किल भरा था। और ऐसी स्थितियां सबके साथ आती  है। 

फिर वही हम खाना खाये और मैं पैसे की चाह में आँख में आंसू लिए सोने चला गया। मैं बहुत ही उदास ।  और मेरे पिताजी का फ़ोन भी नहीं उठा रहा था।  सवाल तो यही था की मैं क्या उठाता और क्या बोलता। फिर से वह निराशा भरी रात का दर्शन करते हुए मैं सोने चला गया।   

दोस्तों माफ़ करना थोड़ा अपने वेब पेज का काम चल रहा है असुविधा के लिए मैं आपसे छमाप्रार्थी हू।  इसलिए  मैं ज्यादा नहीं लिख पा रहा हू।  कुछ दिन तक यह हाल होगा उसके बाद मुझे यकीन है कि आपको कोई असुविधा नहीं होगी। 

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English Translation:-

My greetings to all friends,

Friends, I have noticed that earlier (before the Corona era), people of job occupation used to get into the mood of holiday on Friday itself. And the happiness of his face was different on Friday. Worked with a bit of zeal and enthusiasm. In the wish that they will be discharged for the next two days, then they will go out to roam somewhere. But I have also seen the time when that person is in a holiday mood and suddenly their Boss says that they have to come to office on Saturday and Sunday. At that time, the poor fellow did not think that he was happy. But what does not die, he has to work. After all, the question of life is business.

But friends, have you ever thought that a farmer like me who has no job. Just depends on our own farming. How will it happen to live in this corona period? Now I do not have any work at the moment. Is sitting Now friends, guess that if a person is sitting empty at the age of 40. So it is a matter of thinking. A few days ago a friend of mine met me and said why not do some work. I said what should anyone do, how will they work? Whenever I go, they need English and I do not know English. Now I have a problem in it that if I mix the whole words in English, I think there is a language of more than 4000 words. That much word is spoken in one of our villages.

You must know that our Marathi language alone has more than 1 lakh words. Hindi language has more than one and a half million words. And in Sanskrit, the depth of the sea will also be reduced. If you leave the rest of the languages, then I will tell you what you are saying. But we are the people of today's generation. Why do we only pay attention to English? There is a confluence of so many languages ​​in the culture of our country that I cannot tell. My words will fall short.

So they said that there is a lot of work in the market. You have so much experience, if there is any issue in the market, then it does not seem that you are missing anything. And with so much experience and the biggest thing in it is 15 years of sales experience. So I said that there is a lot of work. But the one I get happiness in is negligible.

Or where people are reluctant to keep me. So he said open an online clothes shop. And spread it through your social media. Maybe some work will be done. I liked this word very much. And I started working on it just within a minute. Although he was not aware of my other work. But whatever, he gave me a good suggestion right now. And I immediately put it into practice. And maybe you all are taking full advantage of it.

Let us move towards our routine today.

I went to sleep and I started trying hard to sleep. But overnight I was happy just thinking that tomorrow all my troubles will be resolved. And I will leave tomorrow for my village.

And thinking this made me sleepy and I fell asleep. As soon as I woke up in the morning, I bowed to my mother earth and after remembering my lord I got into my daily routine.

I started ringing the link on his door to lift my boss. And sir got up, he said, let's get ready quickly, we have to leave. I said ok We had breakfast and headed towards our destination. Now about 2 hours later we reached a big bungalow and we waited for the elder brother (who was probably going to pay). It is noon. Then it was evening. Haven't come yet, sir. Now I got very upset. What is happening These men also disappeared.

Suddenly, his caretaker got a call that today he is not going to come. They are stuck in a meeting somewhere. And they have spoken after 7 days. Now I got very upset. Hey, the money that is going to be received is also hanging. Now it seemed as if the whole darkness was covered before my eyes. Neither was I able to understand, nor could I possibly understand. We both sat in the morning waiting till the evening and were hungry waiting for them. Again some of my morbid dreams broke.

 I was learning something every single day. And I was also learning strongly from that time. And I had only choice but to learn. I was drifting in the flow of my life, it was difficult to find any edge at that time. Now we all left for our house. And then reached his home in 2 hours.

It was very difficult to get an idea of ​​my situation. And such situations come with everyone.

Then we ate the same food and I went to sleep with tears in my eyes, wanting money. I am very sad. And my father's phone was not even picking up. The question was what did I raise and say. Seeing that frustrating night again, I went to sleep.

दोस्तों माफ़ करना थोड़ा अपने वेब पेज का काम चल रहा है असुविधा के लिए मैं आपसे छमाप्रार्थी हू।  इसलिए  मैं ज्यादा नहीं लिख पा रहा हू।  कुछ दिन तक यह हाल होगा उसके बाद मुझे यकीन है कि आपको कोई असुविधा नहीं होगी। 

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[salmankhanholics]

★ “I have experienced Bharat’s emotions in my own life” !

June 7, 2019

The heart-throb of Bollywood, Salman Khan, has yet another blockbuster treat for his fans, with his latest film Bharat. And, as he always does, Khan has added his own unique magic to the festival of Eid with this release. The trailer and songs of the film first whipped up a huge buzz and the audience now can’t contain the excitement they see the actor in his newest avatar on the big screen. Khan speaks of the layered character, the adulation of his fans, and why he feels the need to raise the bar with every film, in conversation with Anita Britto

Your fans still see you as the 20-year-old Salman Khan from Maine Pyar Kiya…

(Cuts In) This is an honour that they give me, it is their love. Yeh toh unka badappan hai. (Smiles)

And we have seen how your stardom has only increased in the last three decades.

I really appreciate that. I think they feel that also because of the films I do. The films have lots of humour, action and entertainment, and maybe that is why I think they are not able to see the age factor, which let me tell you is a good thing! (Smiles)

But how do you keep yourself so fresh with every film and every role that you do?

I have been very lucky with the scripts I have been getting. The scripts I have chosen so far have taken me in the right direction. I think that is why my fans like me on the big screen. And it is not just me, they also like the films. There is that heroism, comedy, romance and then there is an emotional thread. If you put all these together with the masala that should be there in a film, it is something the audience will like.

We all like masala in our food and that is why it is so tasty. So, therefore, it should be there 1,000 per cent in the films we do and see. If you make a film on one single track, it would not interest me or the audience. Like if you make a murder mystery or a thriller, they should also have songs, romance, action, thrills… it should all be there. A single line, a single-track film is something I would not enjoy. So, when I hear a script like this, which does not interest me, I start yawning. Then I know that yeh picture life mein kabhi nahi karni hai.  

You spoke about emotion in a film. What was the emotional connect you felt with Ode To My Father that you decided to adapt it for the Indian audience?

It was actually the father-son bond in that film that I connected with. We keep on doing films on the mother-son relationship. But this angle, the father-and-son bond, is the most amazing one. The thing with it is that the emotional connection is not blatantly visible. It is the only relationship where one person is proud that the other has become bigger than they are. When the son makes it bigger than the father, the father is very proud of his achievements.

Did you resonate with that emotion because of your relationship with your father? Did that reflect in the film?

My relationship with my father is one where we are friends who have a lot of respect for each other, especially where I have a lot of respect for my father.

During Sultan, you had mentioned that you needed to push yourself more, since you have achieved this level of stardom. Is that still a motivator for you?

The thing is that someone liking a film and someone not liking a film, both motivate me. If someone says to me that they did not enjoy one of my films, then I have to make him or her, the audience, like the next one that I do. I know that if they did not like the previous one, they will not come to see the next one because they can say that they did not like the film before. But when someone else goes and sees that film and says that this film is very good, that is when the audience will go to the theatre and watch it. It is always about raising the bar for yourself. And for the fan who appreciated the previous film, I need to give him or her much more so that they can appreciate the next film I am doing too.

Your fans idolise you, and the roles and characters that you play. Does that factor come in when you are choosing a script?

I, myself, am a big movie buff and I will only watch films that really interest me. Now, with ticket prices going through the roof, we need to give the films that we do our blood and sweat to make sure the audience comes to theatres and really enjoys the film, enjoys what they are seeing on the big screen. We have to make sure it is not a waste of money for them.

You have worked with Ali Abbas Zafar in Sultan and Tiger Zinda Hai. What made him the right fit as the director of Bharat?

I had mentioned this film to Ali when we were shooting for Tiger Zinda Hai. When he saw it, he liked the film (Ode To My Father) and said he would be keen to do a Hindi film adapted from that story. Ali and I have done two films together and so has Katrina (Kaif), with Mere Brother Ki Dulhan and Tiger Zinda Hai. We know Ali and he was, at that point, the right choice to direct Bharat.

We spoke to Ali last week and he mentioned that an Eid release with Salman Khan comes with a lot of expectations from fans. Is there something you keep in mind to make sure your fans have a festive weekend?

I want people to come in and enjoy the film. Like the last film, some time ago, was Tubelight. And even though Tubelight was a beautiful film, it was not an Eid film. That is where we messed up. If it had released on any other day, then Tubelight would have been approached very differently as a film. If you tell the audience to watch films like Dabangg or Wanted, which have all the dhamaal, masti, action and masala, where dhaad, dhaad, dhaad kisi ko dho rahe hain, they like these films. These movies did good numbers at the box office as well. So when the audience goes in to see a film of mine, they want to thoroughly enjoy it. And that is what I want to give them. I want to give them happiness, I want to give them enjoyment, I want to give them heroism, I want to give them nice, kickass lines as well, which they can use, and the right kind of emotion. There always has to be emotion.

Your character spans 70 years and has several layers. How did you internalise those emotions?

I have experienced this in my own life and I have used it. I have used the way I used to be earlier and where I was 15 years ago, and where I am now. I have these characters which I have seen myself go through. Then for the older one, I have the best example in front of me, and that is my father. I played a 70-year-old in the film and my father, touch wood, is 84 years old in real life. He still takes two to three rounds at Carter Road every day; he practices yoga; he has started doing pilates.

Really?

Yes, he does that. (Laughs)

That’s really great.

Yes, so I just looked at him and designed the character according to that.

We also spoke to Sunil Grover, who plays a pivotal role in Bharat, and Shashank Arora. Both of them said that, as an actor, you make them feel comfortable but the aura of Salman Khan is intimidating.

Both of them have very good roles in the film. Shashank is a superb actor and plays my younger brother in the film. But I don’t really think I intimidated them. They are just saying that just to give me that respect. As actors, they are very competent. They know their job, so there is no nervousness at all, especially relating to work. If someone is standing in front of you who knows their work, there is no question of being intimidated. I think I should be the one to be intimidated by an actor like Sunil Grover because he is by far one of the most talented people I have ever met.

Speaking about younger actors, you are working with Alia Bhatt in your next film Inshallah, and you mentioned that she is ‘godown of talent’.

I was asked a question where someone said she is a bundle of talent. So I said that a bundle of talent is working with a godown of talent. That’s what I said. But, yes, it was quoted the way you said it, so it is not your mistake.

What is that one thing that the audience will take back after watching Bharat?

They are going to take away lots of things from Bharat. They are going to take away the father-and-son chemistry, they are going to take away the bond of a family, they are going to take away responsibility and the fact that for handling these responsibilities, you do not have to be a boring man, you can enjoy your life as well.

BOI