#where is my iambic pentameter when I need it PLEASE JUST GIVE ME SHORT AND CONCISE AND UNDERSTANDABLE TO INTERPRET

[starpros-sunshine]

I hate having to write text analysis can we not just go backto poetry at least I am decent at that

[havenoffandoms]

72 for Geralt/Jaskier?

I meant to post this a lot earlier... sorry about the wait, nonnie. I hope you like it anyway. I'm not sure how it came out in the end after I agonised over this for the past couple of days, but it was fun going back to my Geraskier roots.

Masterlist

Pairing: Geralt x Jaskier

Prompt 72: Character A has a secret. Character B does whatever they can to find out what it is. When they find out, they wish they hadn't.

Warnings: brief angsty episode, mention of Geralt's traumatic childhood

Also, I love that art! Holy Shit!? So of course this had to feature before the fic <3

Travelling with Jaskier had its downfalls.

For one, the bard talks a lot. He never stops, not even in his sleep, and that would drive any man insane if you ask Geralt. He listens to Jaskier waffling about poetry all day, every day, he doesn’t have to endure a lecture on the benefits of iambic pentameters when he’s trying to fall asleep, thank you very much. Jaskier also likes to complain about every little thing that causes him discomfort, which when they’re on the path, ranges from fly bites all the way to sore feet. Travelling with a human also means that they travel considerably slower, unless they’re both riding on top of Roach, but Geralt doesn’t like putting his best girl under that kind of strain very often.

For all of Jaskier’s flaws, Geralt would hate to have to separate from his bard. At least, when Jaskier is close by, Geralt can keep an eye on him and make sure Jaskier doesn’t get himself into any unnecessary trouble. Having Jaskier travel with him gives Geralt peace of mind. He appreciates the singing as well, even if he could stand to tell Jaskier this a bit more often. Geralt deems that his bard’s ego is plenty inflated without Geralt making it worse. Not to mention that life always seems a little bit brighter when Jaskier is around, and the nights are a little less lonely as Geralt gets to pull his bard close and fall asleep to the sound of his beating heart. Knowing that Jaskier is safe is the only thing that lets Geralt sleep peacefully at night.

You’d think that after nearly two decades of knowing his bard, Geralt would have figured out Jaskier’s secret by now. Geralt is, of course, referring to Jaskier’s near supernatural ability to always come up with coin when he and Geralt need it most urgently. Geralt has no idea how the bard does it - his songs are popular, granted, and on a good night Jaskier makes enough to buy a nice room for the night and the better pieces of meat from the kitchen. Still, being a bard doesn’t pay that well, not even if you were as famous as Jaskier. Just last week, Geralt’s horse and most of his belonging were stolen by bandits, leaving Geralt travelling on foot and too poor to afford to buy a new horse. Two days later, Jaskier came trotting up to their camp atop a gorgeous mare, looking mighty pleased with himself but refusing to tell Geralt how he managed to afford to pay for the horse.

“Would you believe me if I told you I stole her, Geralt, my dear?”

“Not in a million years,” Geralt admitted deadpan, pulling an offended squawk from his songbird.

“Just because I’m a bard you don’t think I can steal a horse?”

“I don’t think you could ever steal a horse because you’re as stealthy as the proverbial bull in the porcelain shop.”

It’s not just the horse, though. Geralt’s armour needed replacing and good armour doesn’’t come cheaply. Geralt doesn’t hire the services of just any blacksmith or armourer to craft his weapons and protective gear. He has his regular suppliers, the ones he always goes back to because he knows that their work is reliable and of the highest quality. And even though these people know Geralt by now, even offer him a friends and family discount on occasion, their wares still come at a hefty price. Geralt, as it turns out, didn’t have the coin to replace his armour for a few months. He desperately needed new boots, though. A new pair of breeches wouldn’t hurt either, and his silver sword broke in half whilst fighting a particularly vicious griffin a few weeks back.

Geralt didn’t even mention all of this to Jaskier. That didn’t stop the bard from going ahead and commissioning a brand new suit of armour, new silver and steel swords, as well as a few casual clothes for Geralt to wear on the warmer summer days. All of this must have cost an arm, a leg and a fucking lung, and yet Jaskier acted like he didn’t just break the bank all for Geralt’s benefit. He didn’t even get anything for himself and that realisation had Geralt feeling slightly embarrassed about the gesture.

“You don’t have to buy me all this stuff, Jask.”

“I know that, dearest,” Jaskier assured him, eyes soft and an easy smile playing on his lips, “but I wanted to. Only the best for you, my sweet witcher.”

The mystery of where Jaskier managed to find the coin to pay for all this remains unsolved, despite Geralt’s questioning. Well, if Jaskier won’t outright tell him, then Geralt will just have to investigate the matter by himself.

"Where the fuck did you get your hand on all the coin to pay for all this?" Geralt asks one evening, blunt and straight to the point. There was probably a kinder and gentler way to ask this, but after spending weeks mulling over Jaskier's sudden new-found fortune, Geralt has lost the little patience he possessed in the matter. Jaskier, on the other hand, looks perfectly unperturbed.

"From the bank," he offers simply as he sprinkles expensive herbs over the hare Geralt caught earlier that evening, "you know, where people deposit their valuables? I know you witchers don't believe in bank accounts, savings and interests, but-"

"Where does the coin come from?" Geralt interrupts, hissing those words through clenched teeth.

"Why, my inheritance."

Geralt stares for a long while. It takes his brain several seconds to catch up to what Jaskier is telling him, and another few seconds to make sense of the words. Inheritance?

"What inheritance?"

"Well, when my father passed away he left me and my siblings a share of his wealth. That's how inheritance works. Say, pass me my satchel my dear, I think I have some more spices in there."

Geralt wordlessly hands Jaskier his satchel, still trying to process this new discovery. Come to think of it, Geralt knows precious little about Jaskier's family. Sure, that's probably on him for never asking, but Geralt has grown so used to Jaskier oversharing every aspect of his life that he never needed to ask his bard anything. Jaskier just… never talked about his family. Or his childhood, or his upbringing. His life story seems to always begin when he was a student at Oxenfurt.

Geralt is growing curiouser by the minute.

"When did your father pass?"

"Oh? Uh… good question. Maybe a few years after I went to Oxenfurt? I'm not sure. I received a letter from the bank notifying me that a share of my father's wealth was deposited in my account."

Geralt frowns. "You never went back to find out what happened?"

"No."

Well, that's an oddly abrupt response, and Jaskier doesn't seem like he's got anything to say on the matter. Which only makes Geralt feel more curious about the whole thing.

"Why not?"

"Geralt…" Jaskier heaves a sigh before putting on a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, too tense to be genuine. "My father and I didn't get along. I felt no need to go mourn him with the rest of my noble family in Lettenhove when he passed. That's it. That's all there's to it. I was not a good enough man to refuse my share of the inheritance, either, despite my non-existent relationship with him."

That's a lot to unpack. Geralt always assumed that Jaskier had a good childhood. Then again, he would think that, wouldn't he, considering Geralt spent his own childhood being tortured by magnanimous and sadistic mages. Where most children got to spend time outside helping out in the fields or playing with their friends, Geralt was put through drill after drill, after drill… until he was physically unable to walk so much his muscles hurt.

"Wait… did you say your noble family?"

"Hm?"

"In Lettenhove… there's nothing in Lettenhove. Only the Viscount and his family live there on a large esta-" Geralt's mouth clicks shut as realisation dawns on him. "Your father was the Viscount of Lettenhove?"

"Yes. And since I'm the oldest, after he died that title passed onto me. But I much prefer being a bard, so I graciously devolved my duties to my younger brother, who now manages the estate. Are we done with this conversation?"

"I didn't mean to make you mad…"

Geralt watches Jaskier stop dead in his tracks, his shoulders briefly tensing at those words, before exhaling loudly through his nose. Jaskier anxiously rubs the back of his neck as he straightens up and offers Geralt a sheepish smile, that one warmer and softer than the previous one.

"Sorry, dear heart. I didn't mean to be so short with you. It's just… well, there's a reason I don't bring up my family all that much."

"Hm." Geralt gently taps the spot next to him on his bedroll, and Jaskier doesn't have to be told twice. Soon, Geralt has one arm wound tightly around Jaskier's shoulders. Not quite a hug, but the intention is there all the same, and Jaskier eagerly melts in the embrace. "I shouldn't have insisted. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise. You did nothing wrong." Jaskier nuzzles the crook of Geralt's neck sweetly before depositing a featherlight kiss just over his pulse point. "Do you want to ask me anything?"

Geralt ponders over that question far too long before whispering an answer in the air pocket between them.

"Did he hurt you?"

Jaskier hesitates.

"Not physically, no. He didn't approve of my aspirations and choices. He didn't support me. I suppose it hurt a little when he didn't see me away to Oxenfurt at the age of 15, but he never raised a hand on me."

"Hm." Good, Geralt thinks. No child should ever have to suffer at the hand of an adult. Geralt earned plenty a beating at Kaer Morhen, some justified and others not so much. Just because he went through this doesn't mean he condones it.

"At least I get to spend his money on someone I love," Jaskier offers softly, eyes as blue as the deepest ocean glancing up at Geralt through dark lashes, “That, at least, the old man can’t take away from me.”

A happy little rumble bubbles up Geralt's chest, despite the blush gracing his cheeks.

"I never thanked you for the gifts." Geralt blushes a deeper shade of red at the realisation. "Sorry. It's been a long year."

"Well, good thing we're heading North soon then, hm?" Jaskier straightens up so he can cradle Geralt's face in his lute-calloused hands. Their eyes meet then, amber seeking out blue, and Geralt thinks that he must be the luckiest son of a bitch in all the Continent.

"Yes," he agrees in a whisper, tilting his face to place a kiss on the inside of Jaskier's wrist, "good thing, indeed."

Request a prompt

[friedesgreatscythe]

as someone who is getting their book queried, and someone who's writing i admire, do you have any tips on developing prose or becoming a better writer? your writing is so pretty and in comparison, mine feels so goddamn generic.

oh anon ♥ please don’t be so harsh on yourself!

the best thing i can recommend is to read. writers grow by reading; i studied literature in college and consider that one of the cornerstones of my ability as a writer (even though i always liked books and always read as much as i could). read any book in any genre that interests you. read books whose titles look neat, books that you don’t think you’d ever choose in a million years and take a chance on, books that might be ones you’d want to write, books your friends love. classic books, contemporary books, light novels, translated books. reading is one of the essential things a writer can do to “train” themselves, hone their voice, and experiment with styles. i really cannot recommend it enough.

and you don’t even have to buy the book! you can get a library card for free, and there’s an app where you can use that card to get ebooks to read on your phone or e-reader. i’m not sure if there’s a global equivalent of it, so if you’re not in north america then i apologize if this particular advice doesn’t help! i still recommend libraries, though. if you have access to bookstores and don’t mind hanging out there to read, then there’s that too!

one of the best pieces of advice i got from one of my professors is that if you want to increase your vocabulary/learn new words and experience emotionally heightened prose, then you should read edgar allan poe. his works are freely available to read online, and often include words that even i didn’t know about when i first read him. he writes gothic, sublime, mild horror poems and short stories, but they’re so fantastic. i also recommend william shakespeare simply because his characters are so unique and nuanced, his writing style is gorgeous, and his iambic pentameter style helped me try to find a melody/rhythm in my own writing.

another recommendation i have is sei shonagon’s “the pillow book.” it isn’t fiction; it’s a heian-era court woman’s diary about daily events and her thoughts, but she’s so clever and cheeky, her comments so insightful and somehow so modern that i think it would really help a writer who wants to know how to capture a “voice” in succinct prose.

i also think that analyzing video games’ stories (usually through playing them yourself or watching commentary-free versions) can really help give you a sense of how stories are written in different mediums. video games do things that novels cannot do, which is give a visual, audio, and written presentation of a story. video games (and other visual media, like movies) have helped me with how i write descriptions and do my best to create visuals for the reader. they’ve also helped me ‘hear’ characters’ voices better, or how i want to describe sounds in such a way that it can be as vivid as possible in text. basically i do my best to make static words on a page/screen as “real” as i can, in an effort to make it as vivid as possible for how the readers’ will process the story internally.

also please note that this is something i’ve done over years. an entire decade of my life was dedicated to studying literature and writing again and again and again to get better at it. i only consider the work i’ve done in the past three years to be decent enough to query. writing is a marathon, not a sprint, and it’s so easy to get impatient or frustrated with yourself, but just think of it as you meticulously crafting a ship in a bottle, or a very intricate puzzle. all the pieces need to be put into place, and the length of time it takes to do that doesn’t reflect the quality of the work.

good luck to you, and happy writing!

[xfanfics]

Destiel Fic Rec List Part 4

Last Updated in October 2014. Posted in May 2020 for posterity.  Listed in no particular order - the total rec list will have ~250 fics. Header graphic used with permission.

This part of the list contains: 31 fics.

Other Destiel Rec Lists: [1]. [2]. [3]. [4]. [5]. [6]. [7].

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The Shadow at My Window ❤ by Zombiecat E | 141k | Hot, AU, Underage, Wing!kink

As a fledgling angel, Castiel is not allowed to interact with humanity. He should be strictly observing and concentrating on learning to be a warrior of Heaven. Even so, he cannot seem to stop himself from visiting the human boy that leaves his window open at night. At first, it's only to get a glimpse of their world.. but all that changes the night he saves the boy's life.

AMAZING!!! I'm a huge fan of both wing!kink and the underage romance trope, and this hits the spot. I read this from when it was a WIP (on chapter 12), and it was so worth it.

Fearson's floating cigarette. by orange_crushed M | 11k | Fluff,  Magicians AU

"That son of a bitch," Dean says. He strangles the handful of french fries he’s been holding, and one by one their warm, helpless, potato-y insides crumble over the tops of his fingers. He feels a brief burst of irrational, almost homicidal rage. "That floppy bow-tie wearing son of a bitch.” Dean is gonna kill Jimmy Wonderman. He’s gonna shove a never-ending string of scarves down his throat. He’s gonna make him eat balloon animals until he floats off into space.

This was so sweet and charming I'm going to cry. Castiel's gentleness and pure heart is really explored in this fic, and I LOVE it.    

Sweaters & Cigarettes ❤by lemonoclefox E | 149k | Hot,  Fluff,  High SCchool AU, punk cas, nerd dean

Dean Winchester is in high school, crushing hard on Castiel Novak, the unbelievably hot goth who Dean does his very best to convince himself he hates, despite the fact that he can’t really stop staring at him. Dean tries, but when the two of them finally cross paths, their first conversation takes a surprising turn. And suddenly, they both find themselves falling harder and faster than they ever could have expected.

LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS FIC! The trope reversal is perfect, and in short, this is one of my favorite high school AUs EVER.    

Shortskirts 'Verse by twentysomething E | 22k | High School AU

So, they're in high school, and then they're in college, and it's mostly not about Taylor Swift, except when it is.

Leave My Body, Moving Up to Higher Ground by triedunture E | 17k | Alt!canon, Genderswap

Castiel must take a new vessel to return to earth, so he strikes a deal with a woman who isn't as willing as Jimmy had been. But Dean's in a bad way and Leviathan needs to be smote, so what else can he do? Wonderful and heartbreakingly lovely. Gender swap, of a sort.    

A Treatise on Longing by araftatsea T | 8k | Angst,  Alt!Canon, Aging

Set post-8x23: Cas falls and is reborn as a human infant. Dean waits for him. He wonders how he's going to explain to this guy that he was an angel, once, and he wonders whether Cas will still want him. Or if he ever did.

Oh god, this fic huuuurts. But in a good way.    

Santorum Will Pry My Porn From My Cold Dead Hands by AlreadyPainfullyGone E | 41k | Pornstar AU

President Santorum bans all pornography, and Dean decides to start his very own prohibition racket. Unfortunately, the only person he can find to 'perform' is Castiel.

Lots of porn. Complete with in denial!dean and confident!cas.    

One Night at Club Radiant by octoberskyfall E | 16k | Hot, Stripper AU, Dom!Cas

When Charlie showed up at the garage with a six-pack of El Sol and an order for him to chug them down before they reached the bar, Dean knew he was in for one hell of a night. Featuring Stripper!Cas and light Dom!Cas because of reasons. Happy Birthday, Dean!

Damn. Just um--yes. Please.  

Gargoyles on Motorcycles by mandraco E | 24k | Office AU, Socially Awkward Cas

After the latest in Dean's long string of one night stands steals the Impala and totals it, he makes a bet with Sam that he can abstain from sex while he repairs it. But Lisa and Matt's wedding is coming up and Dean needs a date he'll never be attracted to. Enter Castiel.

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives by cymbalism E | 14k | Fluff,  Alt!Canon

After the apocalypse, Dean's living with Lisa and earning his keep by cooking dinner. Cas likes that Dean can cook. Dean likes Cas's company. But they could use a little alone time, and Dean has a lot to learn about what the rest of his life really means.

Smoke in the Mirror by letters_of_stars M | 52k

It begins with the flier hung in the library: art model needed for thesis project, will pay. Castiel figures it's an easy way to make some extra money, but modeling for Dean Winchester ends up complicating his life far beyond anything he could have imagined.

Selfie with a stranger by somuchforbaggles T | 1k | Fluff, AU

Cas lied to his family about having a boyfriend, and now they want actual photographic evidence. There's only one thing he can do - take a selfie with a stranger.

This is just adorable. Instant feel-good fic.    

Paper-Thin by snarkymonkey E | 15k | Fluff, Hot,  College AU, Dom!Cas, Sub!Dean, Professor!Cas

Dean is finishing up his master's program, heading on for a PhD in Engineering but spends most of the time silently ogling his gorgeous next-door neighbor, the new adjunct professor of English, pursuing his dissertation.So, really, no reason the two should ever interact. Except...the walls between their apartments are just so thin. And even though he swears he's seeing the guy all over campus, there's no way the exceptionally friendly Professor Novak has a thing for Dean. Right?

The Pumpkin Pie Started It by twerkstiel E | 8k | Hot, AU, Baker Cas, ABO, Omega!Dean Sub!Dean, top!cas, alpha!cas

Dean Winchester is your ordinary college student. He does his work, fixes cars, complains about being broke. Except when he visits the new campus bakery, he ends up getting more than the pie he asked for.

Just what I like in an ABO short fic: cute, porny, and hot sex ;)   

Leave My Body, Moving Up to Higher Ground by triedunture E | 17k

Castiel must take a new vessel to return to earth, so he strikes a deal with a woman who isn't as willing as Jimmy had been. But Dean's in a bad way and Leviathan needs to be smote, so what else can he do?

Wonderful and heartbreakingly lovely. Gender swap, of a sort.

Scratchmarks  by bookkbaby E | 11k | Hot, canon!verse, endverse, threesome, bottom!cas, kink

Sometimes, sex isn't a goal, but a method. A method to escape, a method to forget, or a method to communicate, and Dean doubts that his future self is listening to what Cas is saying.

Porny 2009!Dean/2014!Dean/2014!Cas with bonus feelings towards the end.    

Halfway by anythingtoasted E | 29k | canon!verse, s8, pining!dean

A Fallen!Castiel bunker fic; Castiel arrives back at the bunker after six months of being missing, with eighteen of his newly-fallen brothers and sisters in tow; shameless schmoop and angel-care ensues.

Bunker!Fic. Castiel has a flock of brothers and sisters to care for. Always a fan of the way anythingtoasted writes the dean/cas relationship development.    

Home is Where by chasingrabbits E | 15k | AU, Mental Disorders

Casual vagrant Dean Winchester blows into Palo Alto to check on his little brother. What is meant to be a quick visit ends up drawing out when he meets and accidentally ends up clicking with Sam's strange, grad student roommate Castiel.

The Graveyard by  amarillogrande E | 18k | College AU, bottom!dean, tattooed!cas

The premise is simple. You finish the bottle, you stick it up on the shelf. When you move out, you can look up and remember all the good times you had. Right?

Smooth Operator!Verse by wannaliveindeansdimples E | 15k | Fluff, Hot, AU, Long Distance Relationship, Phone Sex

Castiel is a phone sex operator and Dean is a first time caller.

Messenger Number 3 by gamesformay M | 23k | Theatre AU, Fluff

Opening night is closing in at the Lawrence Shakespeare Festival, and the play is cursed. As if that weren't enough for Dean, the head of the tech crew, to have on his mind. A tale of love, family, and iambic pentameter.

Dark Side of the Moon by imogenbynight E | 37k | Angst,  Astronaut AU, PTSD, Minor Character Death

Five months into his six month mission, an accident leaves Flight Engineer Dean Winchester stranded on the moon. It comes down to a man he has never met to bring him home.

Give All My Secrets Away by morganoconner T | 2k | Fluff,  H/C, Canon!verse

When Castiel needs to stay with Dean while the hunter is vulnerable and unable to defend himself, he doesn't expect it to end with confessions Dean doesn't mean to give.

Convenient Husbands  by Scaramouche E | 39k | AU, creature!cas, wing!kink

"It's only temporary, right?" Dean says. "Just until you're healed up, and then we'll never have to see each other again. So what do you say, Castiel, do you want to marry me or not?

Every Word a Piece of My Heart by smilla840 E | 10k | Dean/Jimmy/Cas

The war is over and Jimmy is finally free to go back to his family. Everything should be perfect – then why isn’t it?

The Parts of Our Sum by scaramouche E | 55k | AU, Friendship

Castiel, a former soldier, has worked for the Company his entire life. They've been good to him, providing clothes, shelter and new body parts whenever necessary. Now the Company's gearing up for a space exploration voyage, and Castiel's volunteered for the research team. During the preparation period, he meets Dean Winchester, who makes Castiel wonder about the things he's missed out on.

What Has Eight Tentacles and Isn't Allowed to Eat Pie? by Scaramouche T | 16k |  Fluff,  Canon!verse, tentacles

Dean watched an anime porn about this once, but real life turns out to be way less interesting. Or, the one where Dean gets turned into an octopus.

Shorten the Distance by APenToMyHeadandImDead T | 43k | Fluff,  AU, Teacher!Cas

"Nerdytr3nchcoat" and "Impala67" weren't looking for romance on the dating website called 'dateangels.com'. Castiel was looking for friends and Dean was just looking to get his nagging brother off his back. What they didn't expect to find was each other. [a long distance, online relationship fic]

Jump the Track by alysian_fields E | 83k | High school AU

It's Dean's senior year at Lawrence High, and he's already given up on himself. It takes the arrival of the strange, intense, awkward Castiel Delacroix at the school to prove to Dean that maybe his life is worth saving after all.

Blackbird Fly ❤ by artsyunderstudy E | 163k | Angst, High school AU, Sam/Jess, Drug Use, Mental Health Issues

In the wake of a mutual tragedy, the Winchester brothers befriend loner Castiel. Both brothers find something in him to hold onto as they try to remake their own complicated relationship and the home they've lost. Struggling with his own recovery, Sam finds himself drawn to the strong and lively Jess, while Castiel and Dean find comfort in one another. As consequences of their past emerge and threaten to tear apart what they've carefully rebuilt, they are all forced to reevaluate who their family really is, and what it's worth to keep it.

Oh the angst! This fic may be triggering for some, but the pros include a wonderfully portrayed sam/jess relationship, and stunning illustrations. Dean and Cas' relationship is heartbreakingly lovely and broken (but there is a happy ending).    

A Broken Man & The Dawn by n_nami E | 44k | Fluff,  COCKLES, AU,

After his brother dies in a car accident, Jensen is left to take care of his newborn nephew - and he’s in over his head. Also, he has the feeling that the guy who just moved into the apartment next door hates him because of the crying baby that keeps him up all night. As it turns out, Misha not only has that set of mesmerizing blue eyes, but also a lot of intuition when it comes to fussing, cranky babies.

Jeté by cadniganv E | 10k | AU, dancer!dean, photographer!cas

Castiel has been photographing their ballet company for two years now and he and Dean have barely exchanged six words, and yet somehow when Dean breaks his leg, it's Castiel who takes him home from the hospital and takes care of him.

[thepanicoffice]

To Catch an Editor

...

Fellow mortals* – it will come as no surprise that, like many other entrepreneurs who have grossly overleveraged themselves, borrowing against the value of one of their many tropical islands (I’m looking at you, Branson), this pandemic has hit me hard financially. The Panic Office, once thought too big to fail, like Lehman Brothers or Woolworths, is now on its knees.

While I may lack the breath-taking audacity required to ask the Government to be bail me out (Why do you keep catching my eye, Branson?) I fortunately do possess the slightly less breath-taking audacity required to attempt to furlough myself. 

I did so to recoup 80% of my salary – or at least up to the flimsy limits that the scheme allows; my salary is currently about 7/8ths of the total £6.8m Office budget – to see me through these difficult coming months in my toilet paper palace (I just can’t seem to get through the stuff quick enough even though I am as irregular as a plasticine clock).

Naturally, I then set out to find a temporary managing editor to do my work on the cheap. I’ve also got to spend much of my time fending off fresh charges of seditious rhyming schemes and improper use of iambic pentameter levelled against me, but that’s only a passing problem.

Of course, not any old managing editor would do. No, the Office demands a certain someone. Someone combative and regressive; someone with innumerable character flaws ripe for exploitation, and a litany of malefactions for me to hold over them; someone to vigorously castigate the staff when they have grown numb to my own drunken reprimands; someone phlegmatic and unflinching in the face of amorality, malfeasance and depravity; above all, someone with a working knowledge of the arcane and constantly shifting rites, regulations and lore of the Office itself.

In short, I needed Jones.

And so, a scheme was hatched, and orders disseminated through the remaining Panic networks, demanding the immediate identification and capture of all cadaverous, bearded men in the region, backed of course, by a substantial financial inducement.

14 hours later, Jones hurled himself through my office window - 12th floor mind you; the pigeons were most distressed – stating that he had apprehended himself and demanded payment.

The following is an (in)complete, (de)unexpurgated transcript of the job interview/disciplinary hearing which followed:

----------

RM: Interview Begins, the time is 15:67 on the 45th of July, nineteen ninety…sixteen. We are located in conference room L, overlooking the Waddington Quad. Chair of proceedings, the right honourable Viceroy & Lord Protector, Sir Reginald ‘Richard’ Wyndham Maslin III, Editor in Chief presiding. Please state your full name for the record.

RJ: …

RM: Come on now, there’s a chap.

RJ: …

RM: State your name or I’ll forcibly loosen your tongue.

RJ: …

RM: Listen you defiant wretch, it was you who devised the deprivation of liberty clause for the contracts of employment. Now state your damn name.

RJ: The defendant is Lord Professor Ríkharð Tiberius Arcturus Jones, latterly Associate Deputy Editor. 

RM: May I remind you that it is strictly forbidden for any employee except the Editor in Chief to refer to himself in the third person.

RJ: Clause 42, amendment 67/F of the Appropriate Comportment & Acceptable Conduct act of ’79, which superseded the traditional agreement that whosoever was loudest and drunkest had the floor. You just can't bellow and booze like old Reggie could.

RM: 67/G actually. ‘F' was the clarification to the ban on frottage between officers of unequal rank during budget reports. Now, you’ve wasted enough of my exceedingly expensive time already, the moment for grovelling prostrations, convoluted extenuations and enormous bribes is rapidly retreating. If you intend to weave an elaborate fiction with which to shield your hide then be quick about it.

RJ: No, that’s 76/G. 67/G permits amendments 4 through 19 to be disregarded in the event of an inadequate soup dish. But what was 76/F?

RM: You have nothing to offer in defence of your actions?

RJ: I believe my intermittent drunken missives speak for themselves.

RM: As you wish. Question the first, where the ruddy arse have you been?

RJ: I’ll ask the questions here. Now where were we? Ah yes, tell me, are you any better at dodging ashtrays than you used to be?

[a startled grunt followed by a violent crash is heard]

RM: Well I suppose that was to be expected. If only you could be induced to direct your ire towards the lower end of the social scale with any degree of consistency. I ask again, where have you been?

RJ: Stewkley. Compassionate leave.

RM: Compassionate leave? For the best part of 3 years?

RJ: Well, the office is well known for its compassion.

RM: But Stewkley of all places?

RJ: Mm, rather convenient actually, I’ve been needing an excuse to go for some time. I had several items of a …sensitive nature to recover from a buried strong box. Jail sentences do seem to fly by when they’re being served by others, don’t they? I shall need the number for your chap in Cairo, and I don’t suppose you happen to remember the name of the amoral sea captain who got us out of that spot of bother in Venezuela?

RM: Ah, Venezuela! Seems like another life doesn’t it? I shall have Snivellsby look into it. I think I have a man called Snivellsby anyway. Don’t think this settles matters though! You can’t just breeze back in here like you’ve never been gone - there must be ramifications!

RJ: Surely you’ve not forgotten amendment 76/F? It is of utmost importance that there should be seen to be ramifications for poor conduct and bad form, and that this takes precedence over all other considerations, including the institution of any actual sanction.

RM: Well, it is a most irregular reading of the amendment, but not without legitimacy... 

RJ: Exactly, just write it up and file it with the others. I’ll be in my office.

[RJ exits the room; or, to give it the due Shakespearean level of flounce: Exeunt. RM pours himself a dusty glass full of cognac]

RM: Oh yes. He’ll do.

___________ *For what has this whole ghastly period taught us if not of our own frailty? The value of community? The importance of the low-paid to the effective functioning of society? Bah - of course not! It has taught us that the mortal coil is narrow, treacherous underfoot, and we are wearing impractical clown shoes.