#where i might be able to buy pink avocados?

[batnbreakfast]

Me, going to Greece for the first time in October: I should try and learn a few Greek words and sentences!

Duolingo:

[shellygurumi]

Anonymous said:

Hello! I saw your post about writing fics and thought I'd drop by to request one? Imagine Kit pulling a prank on Ming by replacing his boxers with embarrassing underwear (like, tighty-whities/briefs with cartoon characters on them). However, Ming being Ming, goes from being a little annoyed to actually liking them and showing them off.~

Gonna put a little spin on this suggestion~

Ming dragged Kit to the mall, insisting he wanted to have a date day together. They were going to make a whole day of it, getting lunch together and doing some shopping. Kit had put on a bit of a show of not wanting to go, but the moment Ming gave him a sad, sweet look with his big eyes and pleading smile, he couldn’t help but give in. So that’s how they ended up in a clothing store, browsing around for nothing in particular. They walked around, hand in hand (Ming initiated it, but Kit didn’t pull away), looking at shirts, talking about what would look good on one another. 

“Oh, P’, I need to buy some underwear,” Ming said, shrugging a little.

Kit made a face at Ming. “You want to buy underwear together on a date?” 

“Why not? Might as well make sure you like them, na?” Ming grinned down at his boyfriend and waggled his brows. Kit rolled his eyes. 

They started walking in the direction of the underwear section when Ming’s phone rang. He pulled it from his pocket and answered. “Hello?” They paused and Kit looked up at Ming, waiting while he spoke to whoever called. 

Ming spoke into the phone quickly then said a quick, “Just a second,” before pulling the phone away and looking at Kit. “Hey, I have to answer this... go on without me?” 

Kit opened his mouth to protest, but Ming gave him those sweet eyes and instead, he sighed and nodded. 

“Meet you outside,” Ming said, smiling and leaned down to quickly kiss Kit’s cheek. The shorter man wanted to protest the public kiss, but the peck was so quick and Ming ran away before Kit could say anything. Instead, he sighed and shook his head. 

Now he was left alone to buy Ming underwear. He briefly considered just not doing it, but decided that wouldn’t be a very good move, as a boyfriend. So a few minutes later, he found himself standing in front of a wall of underwear, trying to pick something out for Ming. They had been dating for a few months now and Kit was really only a little familiar with the kind of underwear Ming wore, so it was going to be a guess at best. 

Annoyed, Kit’s eyes drifted from briefs to boxers, from solid colors to stupid patterns. Eventually, he came across tight boxer briefs covered in pink flamingos wearing sunglasses. Kit glanced to the side, pursed his lips and considered a thought that drifted into his mind. He chuckled to himself and nodded. He looked through the options and picked out all the most ridiculous and embarrassing underwear on sale that he could find. 

Once he felt like he had a sufficient collection of stupid underwear, Kit went to the checkout. He only blushed slightly when the clerk eyed his choices, and decided it was worth it. Kit left the store and found Ming outside, finishing up his phone call. He waited patiently while Ming said goodbye.

“Hey, all done?” Ming asked as he pocketed his phone and turned to Kit. He wrapped an arm around Kit’s shoulders casually.

Kit nodded and grunted. He didn’t do anything to dislodge Ming’s arm. “Is there anything else you want to buy?” 

Ming shook his head. “Want to go back?” 

“Yeah, let’s go.” They made their way back out to the parking lot and Kit drove them back to Ming’s dormitory. In the room, Ming dropped the bags of his shopping down by his dresser and Kit took a seat on the edge of the bed, looking up at Ming.

“What do you want to do now?” Kit asked.

Ming looked down at Kit with a flirty grin, but Kit narrowed his eyes at the man in warning. Backing down, but still smiling, Ming gestured to his bags, “I guess I should put this stuff away first.”

“Mm... Okay.” Kit nodded and shifted to sit back on the bed to wait for Ming. He pulled out his phone to play a game while he waited for Ming. Kit covertly eyed Ming, then the bag with the underwear and wondered when he would be caught. He decided to focus very intently on his phone.

Ming shifted around the room, quietly putting things away. He didn’t say anything at all until mentioning that he was going to the bathroom. Kit didn’t even look up when it was said, just gave a verbal acknowledgement of the statement. A couple minutes later, Ming came back out and spoke.

“Hey, KitKat...” 

Kit raised his eyes from his phone and was met with the sight of Ming standing before him wearing a tee shirt and tight fitting, green boxer briefs, covered in cute, cartoon avocados. Kit blinked. His eyes got stuck on those boxers, he couldn’t lift his eyes to Ming’s face. 

“You think they look good?” Ming asked, a teasing tone to his voice.

“Uh...” Kit tore his eyes away but still didn’t look at Ming, instead focusing on a random chair off to the side. He shifted uncomfortably where he sat, “I didn’t know what to buy.” 

He heard Ming walking closer. Suddenly, one of Ming’s hands reached out and a finger beneath Kit’s chin urged him to look up. “P’Kit...” Ming’s voice was sweet.

Kit cleared his throat and looked up at Ming’s face. “Yes?” 

“I like your choice,” He whispered the words, an expression on his face that would surely make any woman melt. 

It definitely didn’t make Kit melt. It didn’t make him blush all the way up to his ears. It didn’t leave him momentarily speechless. 

Except that it absolutely did. 

“Well... Good.” Kit said, not quite able to keep eye contact with Ming. 

Ming leaned down and pressed a kiss to Kit’s lips and Kit found himself smiling as he returned that kiss. Maybe his attempted prank didn’t work quite how he thought it would, but he wasn’t really that mad about the outcome. 

When the kiss ended, Kit was still smiling shyly. He nodded to Ming, “Put on some pants.”

Ming laughed and straightened, “Yes, sir.” He turned to walk away and Kit couldn’t quite stop himself from looking at how those tight boxers looked on Ming’s ass. Of course, Ming looked back over his shoulder and caught him, which only made Kit blush darker. 

Damn his shameless boyfriend. And damn, if Kit didn’t still like everything about him. 

[gloriousthorn]

Lush ficlet

As the people* demanded.  Under the cut purely for space, it’s very much G-rated, not even any swear words.  Spot every inside baseball** fandom reference and win a prize***

(*at least one anon) (**not that kind of baseball) (***there is no prize)

shoutout to @space-feminist for our hero’s previous experience with Lush products

recommended soundtrack

“...and then she just—like, she put her hand on my hand when I was finishing my tea, it was just so...tender...” Daisy’s eyes widened, then narrowed and fluttered, and she sighed contentedly.  “God, I hope she texts me today.”

“Co-signed,” I agreed, straightening up a display of Pearl massage bars.  They didn’t really need it, but I liked the feel of the shimmery pink beads under my fingertips, and Daisy would keep going if I didn’t make a reasonable attempt at looking busy.  “Sounds like it was a good first date.”

“Best one I’ve had in a while, for sure,” Daisy agreed.  A young woman with sunglasses perched on her head came in then, and Daisy, brimming over with energy from her very tender date, said, “Hi, welcome to Lush!  Can I help you find anything?”

I shook my head.  I only had an hour to go before I’d be able to treat myself to my Friday afternoon milkshake, take a nap, and pull myself together for a show with the last few of us from school who hadn’t managed to fit in one last vacation before the new semester.  It had been a tedious day, filled with aggressive teenage tourists, and I was ready for my own date with a Turmeric Latte Bath Bomb.

With Daisy demonstrating the Cupcake Fresh Face Mask (it is a really good one) for her customer-slash-victim, however, it fell to me to greet the next poor soul who wandered in, a rare guy who was probably lost or shopping for his girlfriend.  They’re usually good for buying whatever you tell them to and then some.  “Hi, welcome to Lush,” I said, trying as always to strike the right balance between friendly and detached.  “What can I help you find today?”

“Ehm, hi,” he said, scratching his head.  “A friend of mine told me to come here, that you might have some—conditioner that was good?  This humidity, it’s got me a little...” He gestured to his head, where a thick lock of bright chestnut hair hung over his face, the rest of it pulled back in a sloppy bun.  But bun or no bun, the frizz was real in the mid-August humidity.

“Definitely,” I said.  “Hair care is right over here.  I’ll show you a couple of things.  Have you ever been to a Lush store before?”

“I have, actually.  There’s one not far from home for me, believe it or not.”

“I was going to ask if you were visiting.”

“Yeah.  I’m from Ireland?  Just stopping over here for a bit in between some...work.”

“Oh.  Well, welcome.  Have you tried any of our products before?”

“Ah, actually, one of the bath bombs— Metamorphosis?”

“Oh, yeah, people love that one.  Well, I’ll show you one or two of the new ones when we’re finished with the conditioner, but let’s start with…” I thought for a moment— that was a lot of hair, it looked like.  Probably we’d need the big guns.  “So this is Retread,” I said, pulling down a jar from the shelf and unscrewing the lid.  “This one is thicker and creamier— that’s why it comes in a jar, almost like a balm or a cream rather than a conditioner.  And it has a more neutral scent than the next step down— smell that and see what you think.”

He bent down— tall dude, a good six-five or so, probably could have gotten the jar down more easily than I did, but hey, he’s the customer.  “Oh, yes, that’s nice,” he said.  “And what do you, ehm— do with it, then?”

“You’re shampooing every other day or so?”

“Thereabouts, yeah.”

“So just apply it evenly after you wash.  I’d leave it for a few minutes, really give the olive and avocado oils a chance to sink in and give you some shine.  And then…” I handed him the jar and walked him over to the next shelf.  “See, with hair like yours, you’re probably dealing with both the humidity and also some dryness, right?  So you might want to think about adding a hot oil treatment once a week.”

“Ehm, I’m pretty busy right now—”

“Exactly when self-care is so important.  Didn’t you enjoy that bath bomb?”

He blushed.  “It was very nice, yes.”

“Well, then, you know when you come to see us, we’re going to encourage you to take time for yourself.”  I actually smiled, although God only knew what kind of high pressure job this hipster could possibly have.  “Now do you ever wear your hair out, or do you usually tie it up like that?”

“Ehm, depends—”

“So you might want to try the Yuge hot oil treatment.  This little cube goes a long way— you can cut it into two, even four pieces, even for a lot of hair like you’ve got, and have a few treatments out of it.  That’s going to give you some nice body when you want to wear it loose.  Or if you’re going to be tying it up a lot, try Marilyn, that’s going to protect you from damage from pulling it back all the time—” I handed him one of each.

“Marilyn?”

I shrugged.  “I don’t make up the names, man, I just work here. Anyway, you’ll want to warm those up and then just apply evenly, really focusing on the ends.”

He nodded.  “All right, sure, I’ll, ehm, go ahead and take both of those also.  Thank you so much—”

“Of course.  And let me show you some of our newest bath bombs…” The bath bomb table glittered, quite literally, in a riot of candy colors.  “Oooohh, this is my current favorite— it’s called Kitsune?  See, it looks like a little fox?”  I held it up.  “And it’s got this nice warm scent that’s perfect for getting you thinking about fall without being too, you know, pumpkin spice-y.  Not that there’s anything wrong with pumpkin spice, just saying.”

His face lit up and he smiled, almost giggled, to himself.  “Can I get two of those, please?” he asked.

“Sure. I’ll put them in a little bag for you here…” I took two of the small paper bags and wrapped up one of the bath bombs in each of them.  “One for now and one for later, maybe?”

“Ehm, one for me and one for a friend.”

“Well, perfect.  Maybe a nice way to start the weekend.”

“Should be, yeah.”  He smiled.  “Anyway, thanks for all your help— Tara, is it?” he asked, glancing at my nametag.

“Yup, that’s me.  And you’re—”

“Ehm, Andrew.  Thanks again very much.”

“Sure.  Daisy will take you over at the register,” I added when I could see Daisy finishing with ringing out her customer.  I was only too happy to find some more straightening up to do.

I checked my watch.  Fifty-two minutes left.  I’d hope for something interesting to happen, but I’d rather just call it a day.

[my-random-domme-thoughts]

Will Session Prices Go Down?

I felt compelled to write a post today because of a link that has been forwarded to me, of a forum discussion on MaxFisch, and I was asked for my opinion. Since I am not a member on that forum, I will make a post here. The topic of this discussion was whether the BDSM session prices will go down after the quarantine. The link to the discussion forum is below:

http://www.maxfisch.com/thehang/ubbthreads.php/topics/1751558

Here are my 2p about that: 

Whenever I am asked about pricing and pricing strategies, I always make an example of a Prada bag:

Will Prada bags be 50% cheaper after this lockdown? Because, you know, Prada needs to make money... And pay store rents...And, you know, new bag makers are entering the market every day... And, you know, because there will be a recession? Will they be 40% cheaper? 30% cheaper? 

Or will they remain roughly the same price they’ve been for last 50 years, inflation adjusted, and leave the localised market if it becomes not cost-effective? 

Now, my personal prediction is that Prada bags will cost the same they have always cost. But you’d be able to score a bag, capable of carrying things just as much as a Prada bag, in Primark for £1. 

Did the ‘invention’ of Primark make Prada drop their bag prices? Did Primark make Prada go out of business? Lose business? Did Primark steal Prada’s core client base through poaching and undercutting? I think we all know the answer to those questions...

There are Ladies who charge north of £1K per session, and did, are doing, and will do splendidly well while running a waiting list, and there are those who couldn’t find a client for £50 even before SESTA/FOSTA, COVID-19 and the Incoming Recession were in existence. That has always been the case, that will always be the case. There is no judgement being passed about it, this is just the reality of things.

Many answers in the thread seem to have their expectations and estimates based on the perception that all Dommes have just one source of income, are chained to a radiator within their post code, and only ever do RL sessions. Out of the top Dommes that I know, not one has only one stream of income. Most of us have diversified if not into other businesses and investments then within the s3x industry itself, through clips, online sessions or fan sites years and years ago. 

Yes, Domme Business is different to Bag Business. But as it is a BUSINESS there are more similarities than there are differences. And those Dommes who were good at Business and Marketing before quarantine are good at it during and will continue being good at it after quarantine, during recession, after recession and up until their eventual early retirement.

There is also some hope noticeable in the posts that there will be a huge influx of “new dommes” on the market because of unemployment as apparently there is no entry barrier to the industry. I hate to burst the bubble, both for the prospective dommes, and for their prospective clients, but Domination is not the first port of call for the unskilled and the unemployed. Far from it. There was a mention of a surge after 50 Shades of Grey as an example. What the kind gentleman who mentioned it has forgotten is that it was BEFORE SESTA/FOSTA. I myself have started when the only entry requirement for a Pro Domme were 5 pictures and an ability to string three sentences on a BackPage ad. That time, and that site, have long gone the way of the dodo. Seen Bonding? I am still waiting for the “tens of thousands of new dommes” to materialise after that...

To enter the profession now, you need solid knowledge of Business Admin and Marketing, hefty skill set of creating, curating and maintaining a website and all the costs involved in that should own skills be insufficient, heavy advertising costs to place that website on the advertising sites, creating and maintaining highly marketable online content, both free and for paid platforms, maintaining half a dozen of social media profiles on various platforms while constantly dodging censure, shadow banning and downright deletion of accounts, not to mention looking good and well-presented, being confident, and having the necessary toys and/or access to dungeons. And A LOT of hard work. Which, in the time of a recession, will not bear much fruit at all. And no, you do not get a business loan from a bank for this line of work. Most of those who are forced into s3x work by circumstances do not venture into Domination, now even more than before, but stick to traditional fields, where a pink thong and some baby oil will often do the trick.

But what about the Recession, then, and the “shrinking of client base”? Now, that is clearly written by someone who is expecting the middle class to literally die out. I can explain this with a simple chart:

This is how I see the distribution of wealth and income now, and after the Great Quarantine of 2020. The world will indeed become poorer, much like during the Financial Crisis of 2008, through lower middle class and working class sliding down the income ladder.

Those who are wealthy and affluent now are not going to wake up in two weeks and find themselves on the dole, or looking for a job at McDonalds. Why? Because they are usually very highly skilled, high earning individuals and have diversified income, investments, savings, pension funds et al. Yes, their stock portfolio might (and I say might!) take a hit. But it will not suddenly make them destitute. It just means that, for 2020, they might make a bit less money. But, 80% of a million is still 800K, and 80% of a thousand is 800. See the difference?

Now, let’s talk about me, for a minute, and my own business model, pricing strategy, cost control and target market/client base: 

I chose to move to a low income, low cost of living, high quality of life country. By choice, and for those very reasons. But I neither work on the “local market” nor for it! I charge five times what the average price per session is here, and my daily rate is higher than an average national monthly income. Exactly one of my current clients lives in the same country, and he pays me my rate. The rest of my clients are foreign, and either fly in to see me, or fly me out to join them in their endeavors elsewhere, and yes, they all know they can find someone much cheaper. 

But “cheaper” is not what they are after. Those buying Bentleys don’t price in a Seat Leon, just in case. ALL of my current clients are my regular clients, and they bring me much joy even in these dark times! If they enjoy being my subjects even half as much as I enjoy being their Mistress they will remain my clients for years to come. And those who couldn’t afford my rates before the pandemic won’t be able to afford them after. 

But how will the Great Quarantine of 2020 and the Incoming Economic Depression affect me and my business? Let’s see! 

I personally do not know  whether I will be able to see my clients this year, because even if the isolation orders are lifted, no one has cancelled the disease itself. I might get ill. They might get ill. Up until a vaccine or an easy treatment is invented all travel is in a precarious state, as are all sessions. At your own risk, as they say! I’d risk it for my regulars to a degree, but there are limits to everything, and I certainly wouldn’t want them to risk their lives and health for a session.

That said, we do not know what travelling post-quarantine will even look like. If I am required to spend 2 weeks in a lock down every time I have to take an international flight -- I am unlikely to be flying anywhere at all. If it goes back to pre-quarantine simplicity then it is a different story and I will be back to posting my Michelin starred client dinners from different cities in no time. But what if not?

Well, here comes the trick: remember I was talking about the diversified streams of income? While most people were busy with Netflix, I have used my quarantine time in to push for passive income, offering a product that is significantly cheaper than my RL sessions and client fees, but aimed at a much wider target market segment. 

I am proud to say that currently my cost of living gets covered by pure passive income in 20 calendar days. That is, I can fall into a coma for a month, and on day 20 of me being in a coma, all my bills and expenses will be covered, and I will wake up to 10 days of profit to get me to a SPA and treat me to some nice meals and still have some left over. And this is passive income. Online sessions are an entirely different thing, in addition to passive income.

What does that mean? It means that I do not NEED to have another RL session at all, EVER, even at my rate, if I do not wish to. I can retire. And if I cannot travel, I will happily spend my time developing and scaling up my online and passive income sides of business further, while sipping cocktails by the sea, in the safety of my own terrace and avocado tree. 

So when people ask whether sessions will become cheaper after this Quarantine, I just smile. Thing is, you WILL be able get cheaper sessions after this. But you could get them before this, too! There are, there have been, and there will always be cheap providers. Of everything. And if you are into “cheap cheap” you will always be spoiled for choice.

But it won’t come from established and business savvy dominatrices. Top ranks can afford to step away from the RL sessions altogether, for the risks involved, or only see their regular and trusted clients, at same rate or higher. Mid-range and upcoming will be likely to raise rates while diversifying to compensate for potential loss of foot traffic. And the cheaper ones will join the newcomers in the race to the bottom.

You know that saying, if you have to ask how much something costs -- you cannot afford it? :) Still goes! 

[master-sass-blast]

Found Family, Part One --Wade.

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS ONE. I HAVE BEEN PLANNING THIS PIECES FOR M O N T H S.

Summary: A brief look at yours and Wade’s siblingship, and all that it entails.

Rating: T for adult language, mentions of abuse/mental health issues/suicide, and mild angst.

Pairings: Piotr Rasputin x Reader and Nathan Summers x Wade Wilson.

@marvel-is-perfection, @chromecutie

Some say that the two of you together are a disaster. A cruel joke by the universe unfairly cast upon the rest of society. A recipe for total destruction.

You know better than to buy into what any of the bystanders and onlookers say. The two of you, while admittedly destructive, are like air to each other; without one another, neither of you would be able to survive.

Wade Wilson is your –adoptive—brother, you’re his –adoptive—sister, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

The technical beginning of your wonderful sibling-ship with Wade Wilson starts when you help him prank Scott Summers in the dead of night, but that’s not where things really started. At least, not in your view of things.

No, they start the next day, when Wade knocks on your door half an hour before noon. He’s dressed in the most outrageous, neon pink and green Hawaiian shirt, orange camo jeggings, and bright, ‘fuck you’ blue Crocs.

“You eat lunch yet?” he asks, seemingly oblivious to the way your eyes are blinking their protest at the amalgamation of colors he’s wearing.

“Uh… no?”

“Great!” He loops an arm around your shoulders and steers you down the hall. “Let’s go get some! I’m buying.”

Dopinder, as it turns out, is a sweet and gentle soul –despite his weird thirst for vengeance. He drives the two of you to a downtown diner –and takes Wade’s weirdness with considerable grace and stride, which isn’t something you’ve witnessed from anyone else yet—and drops you off with the promise to wait until the two of you are done eating.

“I’m pretty sure you’re shafting his ability to earn a livable income,” you say as a waitress seats you and Wade at a booth adjacent to a window.

Wade snorts. “As if. One, I tip him in chicken nuggets, which is more than anyone else ever does. B, I’m helping him get into the mercenary industry, which pays way better than driving a fucking taxi ever will. And four, he doesn’t mind.”

You open your menu, start scanning the options, then freeze.

There’s so many choices –fuck, you’ve never even eaten out at a proper restaurant before. Your parents were too focused on ‘keeping you safe’ to let you have a proper childhood, dammit.

“Don’t know what to do?” The corner of Wade’s mouth turns up when you give him a ‘deer in headlights’ look. “I figured you probably didn’t have much experience with this. Russell didn’t either. Consider today your crash course in ‘how the world works.’”

“…Thanks.” You look down at the menu quickly to hide the tears that are already blurring your vision. “Uh, what do I get?”

“Whatever you want! They do all day breakfast here, and –in my opinion—there’s no bad time to eat a pancake.”

You smile. Pancakes do sound good. You peruse the menu for a moment longer, and the waitress is back to take your orders.

Wade orders a mountain of food. If he notices the way the waitress’s eyes bug out while he rattles off his insanely long order, he doesn’t let it stop him. He just keeps going, and her pen keeps flying across the page of her little book.

When he finishes, she turns to you, looking somewhat shell-shocked. “And for you, sweetheart?”

You copy Wade’s method of ordering –but not the length of his order. “Pancakes, bacon on the side, extra maple syrup, please.”

The look of relief on her face is almost comical as she jots that down. She promises to have everything out “as quick as possible,” then takes your menus and walks away.

Wade grins at you. “Look at you. You’re a natural!”

You can’t help but grin back.

You spend the rest of the day with Wade –and Dopinder, since he has to drive the two of you around. Wade takes you to various stores, having you buy yourself something –a book, a movie, a scarf—at each place so you can get used to interacting with people and handling monetary transactions.

You’re touched in a way that you can’t begin to describe. Sure, Professor Xavier and his team of mutants can help you get your mutation-related abilities under control, but no one’s offered to help you integrate into the real world yet. It’s like Wade’s thrown you a life-line you didn’t realize you needed.

When Dopinder drops the two of you off at the mansion, Colossus is waiting for you on the front step, arms crossed over his massive chest and a disapproving frown set on his face. “Taking young ones of property without permission is not allowed, Wade. You know this.”

“Okay, first of all, she’s not a ‘young one;’ she’s over eighteen, which means she’s allowed to come and go as she pleases. Even I know enough law stuff to know that. Secondly—”

“We’ll try to give you a head’s up next time, Colossus,” you interject before things can too far out of hand. “Sorry for making you worry.”

His expression softens considerable as his gaze switches over to you. “That is reasonable. Did you have nice day out?”

You smile and nod. “Yeah. Wade showed me around New York. It was cool.”

“See? I’m cool. Relax, Chrome Dome. I know what I’m doing.”

Colossus shakes his head, but he’s still smiling. “We will make X-Man of you yet, Wade.”

Wade’s full attention turns to you as the metal giant turns and heads back inside. “You were all smiles with him, huh?”

You narrow your eyes at Wade. “So what? Smiling is a normal human thing!”

“Sure,” Wade says, drawing out the ‘u.’ “You like him, don’t you?”

“Only as much as you like Cable!”

It’s Wade’s turn to narrow his eyes. “I do not like Cable. I merely have a ‘healthy fascination’ with him and his metal arm. And his awesome gun.”

You smile sweetly at Wade and step inside. “Glad we’ve got that all settled, then.”

Wade pretty well takes you under his wing after that. The two of you have the same penchant for wild mischief –and fucking with Scott Summers—so it’s no surprise that you get along like ducks and water.

But what no one else notices –which, admittedly, is probably because they’re so used to cleaning up after yours and Wade’s hijinks—is that Wade does more than just rope you into his nonsense.

The two of you need to run to a store to pick up supplies for your latest prankster endeavor? He has you make a list, estimate how much it’ll cost, keep track of the route on Dopinder’s GPS, and puts you in charge of navigating the store while you track down everything you need.

He gets bored of being cooped up in the mansion? He takes you out for an adventure, teaches you how to navigate streets and pick out safe places to duck into if you run into trouble.

He buys you your first laptop and cellphone, shows you how to customize everything for “maximum fun.” (And, when his knowledge runs out, he just sets you down in front of Ellie and has her teach you how to be safe on the Internet and how to avoid getting ten thousand viruses on your computer.)

The man makes sure you get a proper sex-ed course. Not one where he just cracks inappropriate jokes –though there are a lot of those going around—but a real one. The ins and outs of consent, how to avoid getting STDs, basic anatomy, how to spot cancer on both sets of genitals.

And it’s all of this that leaves you convinced that Wade Wilson is one of the smartest persons you’ve ever met.

It’s not hard to learn how to read Wade Wilson. Once you get past all the shock value of the jokes, vulgar language, and weird habits, he’s an open book that has its heart on its cover.

He’s lonely. Not the creepy, ‘I’m forty years old and I’m lonely so I spend a lot of time with people half my age’ lonely, mind you. He’s just… lonely. Sad, even.

He hates his skin. That much is obvious from all the long sleeves and layers he wears, even in the dead of summer. And while you don’t see anything wrong with the way he looks, he does, and that’s the only opinion that matters in his book.

Wade Wilson is also a man that wrestles with a lot of demons. His healing factor didn’t cure him of his cancer, so he faces excruciating pain on a daily basis. The loss of his girlfriend –who stuck with him after he got fucked over by Francis and turned into ‘an avocado that got fucked by an older avocado’—is a gaping hole in his chest that he doesn’t know how to plug. His self-loathing is a constant presence in his mind, and the amount of skin he covers is a decent giveaway for just how much he’s hating himself at a given moment.

He kills himself because he “can’t really die.”

And it’s when you watch Colossus and a few other X-Men deal with the aftermath of one of Wade’s “visits to Vanessa” that you decide that this crazy man might need you as much as you need him.

You happen to catch a glimpse of him in the hall a few days later, decked out in his Deadpool suit.

There’s only two reasons Wade wears that suit: he’s getting ready for a fight, or he’s in the pits of self-hatred (or both). But he doesn’t have his swords on him, which means he’s not gearing up for a fight—

You dart down the hall and latch onto one of his arms. “Hey, dude! I just had this great idea that we have to try.”

“Well, don’t keep me waiting, Aang!” Wade chirps back –but his voice is heavily strained, and, yep, you were right about his mental state. “What do we just have to try?”

You don’t actually have an idea on hand, so you just blurt the first thing that pops into your head. “Dessert burritos.”

Wade cocks his head back and considers the idea for a moment. “Dessert… burritos. Holy shit, you’re a genius.”

You grin –his tone’s brighter, lighter, which means you’ve managed to pull him out of his funk a little.

He grabs your hand and starts skipping down the hallway. “To the kitchen!”

Operation “Dessert Burritos” ends in nothing short of a disaster. You and Wade try to make pancakes to act as tortillas, and since neither of you can cook anything other than instant noodles, you wind up burning every attempt at you make. Three flaming skillets get chucked out the back door and two more are doused under the kitchen sink faucet before the two of you decide to call it quits on the ‘pancake’ alley.

So, then, the next logical step seems to be ice cream sundaes –except that Wade is still stuck on the ‘burrito’ concept, so he tries to wrap ice cream in a regular tortilla, which winds up tasting terrible for obvious reason, so Wade spits it out in the trashcan, except he misses part of his target and winds up spraying the front of the can with half his mouthful of ice cream and tortilla.

And then the two of you wind up unpacking the fridge and most of the pantry to find “sundae appropriate toppings” because Colossus is a health nut who keeps the kitchen stocked with healthy things—

And then Wade wants to try microwaving Gushers because why not, and you’ve never been one to say no to an opportunity to do something you’ve never done before—

And thus is all the chaos Colossus walks in on when he pops his head into the kitchen to see what the two of you are up to.

You’re eating fudge ripple ice cream straight out of the carton with a serving spoon, perched on the kitchen. You wave at him with the spoon as his face goes slack with shock. “Hey, dude! What’s up?”

Wade’s swearing up a storm while he tries to get molten Gusher remains off his face –he’d opted to take his mask off while he ate, and you’re suspecting that he’s regretting that decision now.

Colossus covers his face with both his hands and groans. “Wade—”

“Hey, man,” you interject before he can lambaste your honorary sibling too badly. “This was one hundred percent my idea. Don’t worry, we’ll get it all cleaned up. It’ll be like it never happened, I promise.” You pause, then add “Well, the gushers in the microwave was Wade’s idea. He’s on his own for that.”

“Oh, fuck you!”

“Hey, I told you not to stick your face into the microwave, but no, Pikachu knows everything!”

Colossus just sighs and shakes his head. “You two are destructive.”

“Hey, at least we didn’t short circuit the microwave this time!” You offer him an impish smile. “We’re doing better than we usually do.”

He puts his hands on his hips, looking every bit the stern father –but the corner of his mouth turns up as he shakes his head again. “I suppose you are correct.”

“Yupp. Like I said, don’t worry. We’ll totally handle the clean up and everything.”

He casts a concerned, appraising look around the kitchen, but still favors you with a small smile when his gaze finally settles on you again. “Well, I suppose I leave you both to it, then.”

The two of you have to spend the rest of the day cleaning and scrubbing to get the kitchen back in order. Wade’s none too happy about it, but you do your best to make it bearable for him –music, banter, the works.

And, bonus, cleaning with him means he has to stay with you, which means he can’t wallow in self-loathing. He’s not his bright, bubbly self, but he’s not falling apart either, which is a win in your book.

It’s dark out by the time the two of you finish getting everything put away. Normally, you’d just call it a day, but it’s not hard to see the darkness swimming behind Wade’s eyes—

“Hey, man, you wanna have a sleepover in the rec room tonight?”

Wade gasps, and his eyes genuinely light up. “Sleepovers are my favorite!”

You grin. “They’re my favorite, too! Come on, go get changed and I’ll meet you there. You still need to catch me up on all the reality TV stuff.”

The two of you are getting the rec room set up for the night when you hear Colossus’s heavy footsteps in the hall.

You pat Wade’s shoulder before hopping over the couch. “I’ll deal with him. Pick out something for us to watch. I’ll be back in five, ten minutes max.”

The metal giant himself is in the kitchen, checking up on everything before he goes to bed, it would seem.

You watch him for a couple moments –you don’t miss the surprised expression on his face at the orderly state of the kitchen, either—before making your presence known. “Making sure we held up our end of things?”

The expression on his face is guilty when he looks over his shoulder at you.

“It’s fine,” you chuckle as you step into the kitchen, holding up your hands in a disarming gesture. “I would if I were you, too.”

He ducks his head a little, but he’s smiling. “I do not wish to seem judgmental.” He looks past you –or, rather, over you—and frowns at the glow of the TV. “You two are still up?”

You glance over your shoulder, then step closer to the man of metal and lower your voice. “Wade’s had a rough day today. I just… I don’t want to leave him alone, you know?”

Understanding settles on Colossus’s steel features; he nods. “Da.”

“We’re just gonna hang out for the night, have a sleepover,” you add. “No more kitchen adventures –speaking of which, one of the skillets was not salvageable.”

Colossus huffs out a gentle laugh, crosses his arms over his massive chest, and shakes his head. “Somehow, I am not surprised.”

“You gotta admit, it’s better than our usual levels of collateral damage.”

“I suppose.” He smiles softly at you for a moment before clearing his throat and looking away. “Well, I leave you both to it.”

“Thanks. Goodnight, Colossus.”

“Rest well, Y/N.”

You watch him go for a minute –watch the way the muscles in his back and shoulders ripple as he walks—before you shake yourself out of the daze Colossus never fails to put you in and head back to Wade. “All taken care of. We’re free to poison our brains with reality TV drama all we want!”

Wade doesn’t look up at you when you walk in. He’s seated on the middle of the couch, jaw tight and lips pursed as he stares ahead at the TV screen. “I don’t need your fucking pity.”

You blink, shocked by the sudden outburst and his surly mood. It doesn’t take much to put together that he probably heard your conversation in the kitchen –Colossus’s voice always carries—but even if he didn’t it’s not too far out of Wade’s “normal” for him to assume that he’s only getting the scraps of what decent treatment he deserves.

Either way, you’re not having this argument. Not now, not ever.

You put your hands on your hips and fix him with a stern look. “Good, because I’m not giving you any.”

Your sharp tone makes his eyes widen, and he actually looks away from the glowing screen to stare at you.

“I don’t know if you noticed, dumbass,” you continue, tossing in a mild insult to help him figure out you’re serious, “but I care about you. You’re the one person in this mansion that made sure I’d be able to function in the real world if I had to, and I’ll be damned if I’m just gonna let you flounder when you’re feeling down. And that’s not pity, jackass. It’s called being a decent fucking human being. Got it?”

“Pretty sure it’s pity when the person isn’t obligated to care about you,” Wade throws back, smiling bitterly.

And you understand where he’s coming from. After Vanessa died, all the help he’s been getting has come from the X-Men, and how can it not look like a pity handout when the people helping you have their lives and themselves so extraordinarily put together?

You’ve felt the same way about it on more than one sleepless night.

You let out an irritated huff and cross your arms over your chest. “Fine. I’m hereby adopting you as my brother. Now, as your new sister, I’m obligated to care about you. Are we doing this sleepover or what?”

Wade blinks at you, then grins. It’s tired, and it’s worn down, but it’s not bitter.

You’ll take it.

“Hell yeah we are.” He scoots over so you can sit next to him. “These are reruns of ‘Say Yes to the Dress.’ This one’s the ‘Bridezilla’ edition.”

“Sweet.” You plop down on the couch just in time to see a particularly distraught bride-to-be throw a fascinator at her mother. “Holy shit.”

“Just wait,” Wade says, all too gleeful. “It gets better.”

You wake up in the gray pre-dawn of the next day and nearly smack your head into Wade’s.

The two of you had taken half the couch each, with heads in the middle so you could hear each other talk and avoid kicking each other in the middle of the night.

Wade’s still asleep, one hand holding onto one of yours.

The sight makes you smile, makes you feel a little less despair over the state of the world.

You squeeze his hand, then nudge his head when he doesn’t stir. “Wake up, idiot.”

Wade groans. “Too early.”

“Yeah, which is why I’m putting you back to bed.” You tug him off the couch and walk him towards the main staircase. “Come on. Your ancient back needs a proper mattress.”

“Not ancient.”

“Yes, you are, you geriatric motherfucker.”

You manage to get him up the stairs and to his room without incident. He drops into his bed with a grunt, and you tuck a blanket around him and wait for him to start snoring again.

And then you get to work.

It takes a couple minutes, but you manage to find all the guns and knives Wade keeps on him while at the Institute. You tuck the numerous weapons into your arms, then pad out of his room.

Colossus is in the hall –already dressed for the day, the morning bird. He frowns, concerned, when he sees your armload of weaponry. “What—”

“Don’t worry,” you toss over your shoulder as you walk precisely one door to the left. “I’m not using them.” You kick the door a couple times with your foot, then step back and wait.

Nathan Summers, alias Cable, opens the door a few seconds later. He takes one good look at the guns and knives in your arms, then raises an eyebrow at you as if to say ‘what the fuck do you want me to do with those?’

“Wade’s been in a mood,” you say, as if that explains everything –which, technically, it does. “And you actually know how to store these properly.”

He sighs, but doesn’t look too put-out about it, and opens the door more. “Bring them in.”

You dump the arsenal on his bed when he motions for you to do so, watch as he puts gunlocks on the various firearms and tucks the knives and other bladed weapons into the top drawer of his nightstand.

Colossus watches from the hall, hovering nervously in a way that should not be possible for someone of his side.

“If you’re cool with it, I’m gonna leave a note for Wade to let him know to see you if he wants his shit back,” you say as Nathan tucks Wade’s guns into a duffel bag. “He probably won’t be up before noon.”

Nathan sighs, but nods anyway. “Not like I’m going anywhere else.”

“Thanks,” you say, and you mean it. “I wouldn’t have known what to do with all this.”

“Anytime, kid.”

Colossus watches you carefully as you walk back into the hall and close Nathan’s door behind you. “You… care a great deal for Wade.”

It’s not hard to hear the unspoken question, mostly because it’s easy to see how someone might confuse the easy camaraderie you and Wade have always had for something else. Something… less platonic.

You shrug and tell the truth. “He’s my brother.”

Finding out that Colossus –Piotr, his name is Piotr, and you think you could spend the rest of your life saying his name without ever getting tired of how it feels on your lips—likes you is a world-changing revelation.

You know by the looks Wade keeps sending you throughout lunch, the afternoon, and dinner that he’s going to want a full report on everything that’s happened with Piotr.

You can’t wait to give him one.

You also can’t help but notice the way that the door to Wade’s room is cracked open and the lights are on as Piotr walks you back to your room –ostensibly so you know he’s ‘in’ and will pop in to give him the full rundown, but probably also so he can eavesdrop, the little shit.

But you can’t find it in yourself to care all that much because Piotr’s hand is holding yours and you can’t imagine ever feeling anything better than what you’re feeling right now.

He walks you to your door, smiles fondly down at you. “I have work tonight. I doubt I will see you before morning.”

“So you’re ‘saying goodnight just in case?’” You ask, smiling back as giddy excitement coils in your stomach.

“Something like that, da.” And then he dips his head and presses his lips against yours.

You can’t help but gasp, just a little, and lift your hand to his shoulder to steady yourself.

The kiss ends all to soon –for your liking and Piotr’s, if the look he gives you is anything to go by.

He presses his forehead against yours before stepping back. “Goodnight, myshka.”

“Goodnight, Piotr.” You let your fingers slip from his as he walks away and watch him as he retreats down the hall.

He looks over his shoulder before he turns the corner to head downstairs. He smiles when he sees you watching, and blows you a kiss before disappearing from view—

And then, right on cue, Wade opens his door and grins at you.

You just cover your face with your hands and let out an excited squeal. You’re too excited to be annoyed with Wade, dammit.

He tugs you in his room. “I have snacks. Now, tell me everything.”

The two of you talk for hours, demolishing several bags of fun-sized candies and two packages of Keebler Fudgestripes.

“No fucking way!” Wade brays. “He was pet-naming you for the better part of a year? What a dork!”

“Well, he’s my dork now, so mind your mouth.” You grin stupidly, then squeal as you fall over onto Wade’s bed.

“Oh my gosh, you’re so cute I could die.”

There’s a knock on the doorframe, and Piotr –still out of defense mode, which is gonna take some serious getting used to—pokes his head into Wade’s room. “You are still up?” He frowns when he sees the numerous wrappers covering Wade’s bed. “Did you eat all that?”

You giggle at your boyfriend. “Kinda. We got carried away.”

He shakes his head in an all-too-familiar disapproving gesture, but an amused smile plays at his lips. “Is not good to consume so much sugar this late, myshka. You will be up half of night.”

“Unless I find a way to burn it off.” You grin at him. “Mind accompanying me on a late night stroll?”

He smiles softly at you. “Konechno –of course.”

“God, you two are so barf-worthy,” Wade gushes as you hop off his bed. “I love it.”

You catch Nathan in the hall as Piotr escorts you towards the stairs.

He smirks at the two of you, presumably having gotten an update from Wade and Ellie. “Going somewhere?”

“Just for a walk.” You jerk your head back towards Wade’s room, where light is still spilling into the hallway from his open door. “I bet he could use some company right now.”

Nathan shakes his head and mutters something that sounds like ‘clingy’ under his breath, but he stills strides over to Wade’s room anyway. He pauses at the doorway, frowning. “Did you eat all of that?”

“Yes, he did!” you shout. “You should have seen it; it was horrifying!”

“Lies!” Wade shouts back from his room. “Lies, lies, all fucking lies and slander!”

Piotr chuckles and tugs on your hand. “Come, myshka. Before you get into more trouble.”

You grin as you follow him down the stairs. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Watching Nate finally –finally—kiss Wade is like getting to the end of a good slow-burn book. You’ve loved watching the build-up, loved placing bets with everyone else on when those two would finally get their heads out of their asses and realize they were basically dating already, but God it’s such a relief to see them actually do something other than flirt with each other.

And one good turn deserves another, which is why you dig a box of maple sugar candies that you’d been saving for Wade’s birthday out of your dresser drawer and head over to Wade’s room.

Nathan’s already in there, holding Wade in his arms as they snuggle on Wade’s bed.

You can’t help but grin. “God, you two are so barf worthy. I love it.”

Wade sticks his tongue out at you. “We’re gonna give you and Metallica a run for your ‘hashtag goals’ money. Just you watch.”

“Good fucking luck.” You gesture at him with the box. “Wanna give me the ‘full rundown? I brought snacks.”

“I never say no to snacks.” He makes grabby hands for the box, then gasps softly when he sees the label. “Where’d you get these?”

“Vermont. The school took the kids on a field trip to a maple syrup farm. They’re the real deal.”

Wade tears the box open with all the delicacy of a rabid badger. “You do love me.”

“Always have, bro.”

Nathan frowns down at the little candies shaped like maple leaves. “The fuck are those?”

“Only the best thing on the face of the damn planet.” Wade holds one up to his boyfriend’s mouth. “Open up, sweetcheeks.”

Nate bites off part of the candy. His eyes widen immediately, and he spits the lump of melting sugar out onto a tissue. “Fuck. Too sweet.”

Wade gasps. “I’ll have you know that, as a Canadian, you’ve just committed a heresy. I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to see other people.”

Nathan snorts as he chucks his tissue into a nearby wastebasket. “Can’t get rid of me that easy, gorgeous.”

You can’t help but smile as Wade nuzzles Nate’s shoulder affectionately. “I just wanna say: I fucking told you so.”

“Shut up,” Wade shoots back. “You did not.”

“Wade, how long did I tell you that he liked you? How fucking long?”

“Yeah, well how long did I tell you that our resident steel boyscout liked you?” Wade rolls his eyes, then raises the pitch of his voice. “No, he doesn’t, we’re just friends, he doesn’t feel the same way!”

“I do not sound like that!”

“Uh, yeah you do! That’s why I made my voice sound like that.”

“Listen, asshole—”

“Language, myshka.” Piotr leans against the doorframe, smiling fondly at you. “Be nice.”

You point imperiously at Wade. “He started it!”

“Yeah, and I finished it! No performance anxiety here!”

Nate rolls his eyes. “You’re both insane.”

“Yeah? So?” You pluck two maple sugar candies out of the box –ignoring Wade’s squawks of protest as you do—then nab a tissue from the dresser before turning to Piotr. “Here. Try this.”

He eyes the candy, then the tissue, with admittedly fair suspicion. “What is this?”

“Candy.”

He gestures with the tissue. “And this?”

“Call it a safe bet.”

He sighs, then takes a delicate bite of the candy –and, sure enough, promptly spits it out into the tissue. “Bozhe moi, much too sweet.”

“Saw that coming.” You pop your entire candy into your mouth and let out a moan of contentment. “So good.”

“I know,” Wade says as he pops another bite of sugar molded into the shape of a leaf in his mouth. He makes a noise that in any other context would’ve been downright obscene and flops against Nathan’s chest.

“You’re both sugar fiends,” Nathan grumbles, putting an arm around Wade’s shoulders.

“I like to think of it as ‘well-adjusted.’” You grin teasingly at your own boyfriend. “What’s the matter, babe? Can’t handle a little sugar?”

He latches onto your hand and draws you into his arms. “Perhaps, you are just only sweet thing I need in life,” he says as he drops a kiss against the top of your head.

“Ew,” Wade mock-whines. “Get your PDA out of here!”

You roll your eyes at him. “Says the guy who’s literally sitting in his boyfriend’s lap.”

Despite the banter, you’re legitimately happy. You’ve got your happy ending, and Wade’s got his.

Look at us, bro, you think as the four of you share laughs. Champions of overcoming the shittiest obstacles. Go us.

[langblr-o-kebek]

How to feed yourself cheaply when you live alone

It can be so frustrating and difficult to get used to living by yourself. Apparently cabinets don’t come magically stocked with spices and you have to buy things??? with money???? So here’s a few things I’ve learned along the way along with some links to other great posts that have information along this subject too.

1. Secretly assassinate a relative and collect inheritance

2. Find a sugar daddy

If 1 and 2 are options then the rest of this post is worthless to you, if they are not options, keep reading.

Your first visit to the grocery store Buckle up because it’s going to be the most expensive one

You need to stock your kitchen since you are not a roach and can’t just eat the wooden cabinets. Every kitchen should have some combination of the “basics” which will be your non-perishable pantry items-those things that your parents house seemingly never runs out of. 

The Basics

-Rice -Pasta (+any other grains you might like such as couscous, wheat berries etc.) -Flour -Sugar -Brown sugar (if you’re into baking like I am) -Baking Soda -Baking powder -Spices (for example, cumin, cayenne, oregano, basil, paprika, etc.) -Salt and pepper -Oats -Boullion or cans of stock -Cans of soup/packets of ramen -Coffee/tea

I suggest you buy these kinds of items in bulk if possible. If you have the space to store them, they will last you forever and items like these can make a meal that is supposed to be 1-2 servings into somethings thats 4-6 which I’ll explain later. Also, buying in bulk is cheaper per pound/100 grams (whatever system you’re using) so in the long run, you’ll save lots of money by buying one fat ass sack of rice a year instead of 15 every few weeks. Check your area for bulk stores, places that sell spices and grains by the weight. This will save you cash and can be more eco-friendly if you’re able to use your own bags/containers.

Tips for meals

It is so much cheaper to cook a larger amount of food at a time than making something for each individual meal. This is because for the most part, you can’t buy ingredients sufficient for one serving at the grocery store and you don’t want to buy something you’ll only use once and then the rest goes bad and bye-bye money. Making a meal that will last you 3-4 days is not only cheaper, but also saves time since after the initial cooking, all you have to do is reheat a little at a time later. You can take this a step further and use grains like rice, pasta and couscous to “cut” the food thereby doubling the amount of servings you have. Below are some really easy recipes that I use that last me days.

Things you can make at home for cheap

HUMMUS! Bc it’s a great snack, filling, healthy and is stupid expensive at the store and stupid cheap and easy to make.

-1 can of garbanzo beans -2 T of tahini (you can leave this out if you want, tahini can be expensive) -1 T lemon juice -1 clove of garlic, minced -Cumin, paprika, salt, pepper

Literally throw it all in a food processor and blend. If it’s too thick, you can add more olive oil or save some of the water from the beans and add that as well. If you do that, less salt will need to be added. If you use dried beans that you’ve soaked and shit you will need more salt.

If you don’t have a food processor, you can heat the beans up and smash it by hand, it’s more effort and it may be chunkier but it works. Same goes for immersion blenders.

Fun ways to shake this hummus up

-Roasted Red pepper: Chop 1/3 C of roasted red pepper and add. Replace some of the olive oil with some of the juice from the pepper jar.

-Roasted Garlic: Instead of mincing a garlic clove, expose the head of the garlic (lol) and rub with a little olive oil, making sure it gets into the cracks (lol). Wrap in foil and roast at 400 degrees (~200 C) for 30-35 minutes. Garlic should be nice and soft when it’s done. Roasted garlic is sweet instead of biting like raw garlic so using a whole head is okay and you won’t die when you eat it.

-Artichoke heart+black olive: Chop up one can of artichoke hearts with however many chopped black olives as you would like

-Pesto: Add in at least one tablespoon of pesto

Now the question is, how do I eat my hummus and the answer is, there’s actually a billion ways

-Put it on a sandwich or wrap! -Dip celery, cucumber, carrots, peppers in it! -Eat it with pretzels or tortilla chips OR if you’re a cheap bastard like me, make your own tortilla chips by cutting up some tortilla rounds, brushing them with olive oil, sprinkling them with salt and bake at 350 for 10ish minutes. I usually put mine into the oven right when I turn it on and pull them out when the oven is preheated bc I can’t be bothered to actually figure out a proper cooking time. Whatever, this is way cheaper than buying chips and they’re more filling. You can also make tortillas, it’s cheap and simple, I find they taste better, but it is slightly time consuming. Here’s a recipe. -Eat it with a spoon wgaf you live alone no judgement.

Coffee Creamer

Hell yes you can make this at home. The basic is about 1 3/4 cup of milk (whatever kind of milk, the more fat in the milk the creamier the creamer) and 14oz of sweetened condensed milk. You can also add in a few drops of any sort of extract/honey or some sprinkles of cinnamon/nutmeg whatever suits your fancy! Here is a bunch of variations. Also put 1/4 of a teaspoon of cinnamon per cup of coffee in with your coffee grounds in the filter for a cinnamon scented coffee.

Popcorn

Well, we all knew this one. But honest to god it is so much cheaper and healthier to pop popcorn using a bag of kernels than it is to buy a box of microwave popcorn. Just pour some oil and a tablespoon of butter into a large pan, add the popcorn and cook covered over medium heat. As soon as the kernels start to pop make sure you start jiggling the pan to keep them moving so they don’t burn and ruin your pan. I’m pretty sure you can put the kernels in a paper bag in the microwave too. Throw salt on it, or even cinnamon and sugar cuz why not.

RULES FOR GROCERY SHOPPING

1. buying in bulk saves

2. Don’t buy in bulk if you can’t use it all before it expires-like yeast! Most expiration dates are pretty generous and you can actually continue using the product beyond the date (this amount of time varies, please for your own safety please google it). Yeast is the only food I know of that is true to its expiration.

3. Avoid superstores when possible. Most of the time, you’re paying for the convenience. Superstores are often more expensive because you’re paying for the convenience of doing all your shopping in one place. 

4. Ethnic markets are almost always cheaper-especially for trendy things like Coconut oil (so cheap at indian food markets!!) Find Chinese, Arabic, Indian, Mexican food markets around you and split up your shopping accordingly. 

5. MAKE YOUR OWN BREAD, it can be very easy. Google it.

6. Off brand is just as good as the rest

7. Coupons, grab them in the front of the store if available

8. Just because something is a good deal doesn’t mean you have to buy it. I don’t care if orange juice is on sale, I don’t drink a lot of orange juice. You know what’s cheaper than something being 50% off? Not buying it at all. It costs $0.00 to be smart. 

9. Don’t make grocery shopping a habitual thing. By that I mean don’t go grocery shopping every Sunday or whatever. Go grocery shopping when you need to go grocery shopping. If it’s been a week but you can wait 4 more days, wait 4 more days.

10. Don’t buy fresh herbs, grow them. A packet of seeds is cheap. Plastic pots are cheap. Potting soil can be cheap if you can find a place where you can buy by the weight instead of a massive bag. Plant the seeds according to the packet. Things like basil need to be watered often. Things like rosemary and thyme are okay chilling a couple of days without it. Read the packets and google it. Also it’s so rewarding to watch your little baby plants grow. An herb garden costs $10 dollars at the most to make. Fresh herbs at the grocery store cost $2-6 per package. Fresh herbs make meals taste a million times better I swear to god it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Growing herbs also helped me with my depression so bonus.

11. If shopping at a super store, as much as possible stay out of the “middle”. What I mean is, things you buy should come from the sections closest to the wall-these include the produce, meat, dairy and frozen vegetables. All the processed foods are in the middle and though some can be cheap, they’re not filling and you end up buying them a lot. Doing things like making your own hummus can keep you out of the middle aisles and it’s healthier. Things from the middle you may need though are tea, ramen, grains, soup, peanut butter. 

12. Plan your trip. Thoroughly look through your fridge and cabinets to see what you’re out of. I even keep a little white board on my fridge where I write what’s in the fridge and what’s run out. Write down what needs to be replaced/what you need for the next couple of meals. Do not stray from the list when shopping.

13. Go to Marshalls or Winners or whatever equivalent for things like olive oil, K cups if you have a Keurig (oh fancy fancy) and cool pink salt. They also have other kinds of oils like sunflower and avocado, and even sometimes protein powders. It’s way cheaper there and you can buy a liter sized bottle of olive oil for like 7 dollars when it would cost at least twice that at a grocery store. 

14. Do not have the same grocery list every week. Prices of things change, your list should reflect that. If you’re wanting to get some sort of fruit for a snack, don’t get apples every week. Get whatever is in season. The prices of fresh produce in stores and markets will reflect what’s in season (i.e. the cheapest things). Lucky for us Bananas are always in season and are a super cheap snack that people forget about. I often wait until they’re ripe, cut them up and freeze them to make smoothies. 

15. Don’t be afraid of tofu. It’s cheap as hell and once you learn how to prepare it, can be a fantastic substitute for animal proteins if meat/fish are too expensive.

16. Don’t forget, so many foods can be frozen. If something is crazy on sale, don’t be afraid to buy more than usual if you are able to freeze it. Here’s a list of things that can be frozen. TBH here, in Canada, I buy those big 3L bags of milk and store the little baggies in the freezer. 

Finally, go to Goodwill stores and thrift shops to find kitchen appliances, dishes, and cookware for cheap! The best 7 dollars I ever spent was on a crock pot. These stores have so many items that last FOREVER, like a good pan, or a classic cafeteria.  Don’t think you can’t cook because you can’t afford the equipment. Kitchen equipment doesn’t have to be a huge investment.

That’s all I have for today. Good luck out there guys.

[roselirry]

i should’ve been there (a full english drabble 3k)

or the one that’s only kind of about amelie and niall and more about niall and harry...or the one for @liambaeyne because it’s her birthday 

amelie knew liam had money; he was 26 with a software program that left him one of the youngest start-up owners in the state of california. she wasn’t aware that he had enough money to buy a large boat that came with its own captain and a chef that brought them frozen watermelon margaritas and avocado egg rolls that she demolished in ten minutes.

“i might have to leave you for liam,” she said to her boyfriend, biting down on her straw and sipping on her second margarita.

niall was lounging on her stomach, his neck resting at the edge so his head was placed comfortably on her bare skin. he was ruining her tan, and he was adding to the heat that the sun already brought, but she didn’t care much. he reached up to tip his sunglasses down to the button of his nose. “not if i leave you for him first.” niall smirked, grabbing amelie’s wrist when she went to smack his shoulder, pulling her up marginally so he could press a kiss to the inside of her palm.

“how about you two stay together and i stay with my boyfriend? you might know him, his name is liam.”

the pair had thought harry was fast asleep, the sunglasses covering his eyes and the shallow breathing that had taken over. he was an easy sleeper, falling asleep on nearly every journey the four of them took together. he had draped himself over amelie when they drove to vegas for liam’s birthday, he slept on liam’s shoulder when they had to wait for an hour to get on a ride at disneyland. sleep was not a difficult trick to master for harry styles.

“did we wake you?” amelie asked, handing over the fresh drink that had been saved for when he woke up.

harry sat up, taking it and thanking amelie softly. “no, was never asleep. where is liam?”

niall didn’t answer, distracted by amelie dragging her fingers through his hair. harry huffed, sending a silent plea for amelie to answer. “he’s useless,” he had muttered, only to her.

she smiled. “liam’s below deck, think he had to go let the chef know what to make or something along those lines, not sure though.”

harry thanked her again and jetted off, slipping on a t-shirt that belonged to niall as he headed down the steps and under the deck to find his boyfriend.

“i could spend all day out here.” niall mumbled, his words sliding together, nearly incoherent.

amelie agreed with him. the weather was pleasant, warm with a breeze, and just enough sunlight to make her hairline perspire. the people were even better. they’d done get together’s where it was everyone in their friend group, and sometimes that was too much; from heated discussions about politics, to drunken shenanigans that always put amelie on edge. when it was the four of them, it was easier to relax and just enjoy going with the flow, eat until her fingers were sticky with fresh fruit juice, and drink until her body felt pleasantly unbalanced. it made her want to never leave.

“we’re spending the night on the boat,” she reminded him gently. setting her drink on the small tray next to her, she reached for him with her now free hand, scratching her fingers against his chest. “we’re here for the weekend.”

niall turned, his cheek now against her skin, and he smiled at her. “i know. i still don’t want to move from this spot, not today, not ever preferably. good food, good drinks, good friends, and the light of my life, don’t need anything else, do i?” he didn’t wait for her to say anything, rotating his head more so he could kiss her stomach, small pecks that sprouted butterflies with every touch.

“maybe the dog,” amelie teased.

niall beamed against her skin. “you’re right, and me guitar.”

they couldn’t forget the guitar.

“can i ask you something,” amelie questioned, staring at her bare left ring finger. she had deemed it safer to leave it at home, her ability to lose things uncanny. she didn’t want to lose that.

niall returned to his original position, this time his sunglasses off his face so she could see the blue that the seawater brought out. “of course, amelie. is something wrong?”

she shook her head back and forth, “no, no, no, i just want your thought on something.” he said nothing so she took that as indication for her to ask her question. “do you think this is an engagement trip?”

niall sat up. “hmm?”

“i think liam and harry are engaged and they’re not telling us.”

amelie had been pondering the idea since she stepped onto the boat. they had been welcomed by both liam and harry, all loved up and wearing disheveled button down shirts and wild grins that painted the picture of newly engaged couple. it wasn’t just that, it was the way liam held onto harry, how his thumb ran over the skin of harry’s left ring finger, as if something was missing. it was the knowing smile that harry sent liam over his dinner plate that brought amelie’s suspicion to the forefront. as she explained to niall, his eyebrows arched and he played with the drawstring of her bikini bottom, as he normally did whenever she was in that specific bikini.

“they’d tell us, right?” niall tried justifying. “they were the first people to find out about us, isn’t it like required for them to tell us first?”

they were the first ones to find out, solely because amelie entrusted them with a key to her old apartment, and they had decided to return it at the same time niall and amelie were celebrating the new chapter of their lives. harry did cry, not out of joy, but out of the disrespect he felt because amelie didn’t ask him for permission.

amelie grabbed her drink, taking a sip long enough to gather her thoughts. “liam’s pretty reserved though, he might want to let them kind of keep it to themselves for a little bit. let it soak in.”

“i’m basically an extension of harry styles, i have a right to know,” niall whined, lulling to the side until he was essentially on top of her, face tucked into her neck. “it makes sense though,” he concluded, “harry said he would move in with liam when it was serious and to harry that means engaged. i found boxes in his car yesterday, labeled with stuff like kitchen and bathroom.”

“maybe that’s why we’re here for the weekend, so they can tell us about it over dinner.” amelie hypothesized, carding her fingers through niall’s hair.

he hummed. “you know what i realized.”

“what?”

“we’re all alone, and all we’re doing is talking about another couple.” he kissed the skin where her jaw flowed into her neck, nipping softly so that her hand would come to thread through his hair. “that seems unproductive.”

he dragged his lips to hers, slotting them together and lazily allowing the kiss to take its own direction. he tasted like beer, a taste that amelie had grown accustomed to. she tasted sour, the remnants of watermelon juice living on her tongue. it was slow, relaxed, languid, and he took the time to place kisses down the length of her jaw, down her neck, following an invisible connect the dots that made her tug at his hair.

niall moved the strap of her bikini, placing it off her shoulder so he could place his lips against growing tan lines. he trailed down her chest, hands sweeping up and down her sides, thumbs pressing against her skin. she giggled as the stubble on his jaw tickled against her skin and the sound produced a smile that he kissed against her belly button. god, did he love her.

he loved her when she accidentally flooded their new kitchen, having got caught up in a tug of war match with wallace featuring one of her favorite shoes. he loved her when she twisted her ankle after attempting a running cartwheel on the beach and he had to carry her back to their house, a twenty-minute walk. he loved her when she showed up to his classroom with cupcakes, two tins, one full of sugary goodness and the other allergy safe, some dairy free, some gluten free, always making sure everyone would be able to have one. he loved her when she came undone underneath him, her nails against his back as a bruno mars song played in the background because they had gotten distracted while they cooked dinner.

he loved her.

niall’s fingers slipped underneath the strings of her bottoms, preparing to pull them down when a screech sounded from close to them.

“we’re in public.” harry chastised.

niall pulled away from amelie, cheeks bright pink, and her unabashedly grinning at both harry and liam. she was unashamed.

“we’re on a boat.” amelie glanced around. “there’s no one here.”

harry rolled his eyes, sitting in his chair and pulling liam down with them, instantly cuddling into his boyfriend (or maybe fiancé.) “the captain isn’t blind.” harry grabbed his drink, taking a sip.

“don’t talk like you didn’t try the same thing,” liam teased harry. harry blushed, tucking his nose directly into liam’s neck, muttering something about being embarrassed in front of his friends. liam continued, “our captain, dean, i guess he saw us because we weren’t in the blind spot of the ship and he beeped the horn at us and politely asked for us to stop because we were in his eye sight. i was so embarrassed, i gave him a raise right then and there.”

niall shook his head, “and you yell at us for public indecency?” he poked harry’s leg with his hand.

harry turned his head. “don’t be mean to me, i’m a newlywed.”

liam froze. amelie nearly dropped her margarita on her stomach and niall gasped.

“you’re a what?” amelie sat up, shoving niall off of her bottom half so she could properly face the apparent newlyweds.

harry sat up, eyes wide with concern. he was not supposed to say anything from the pale expression on liam and harry’s faces. “we, uh, we eloped.” harry croaked, voice squeaking with every other word. “on thursday.”

“were you sober?”

“niall,” amelie smacked his arm.

he rubbed the area. “it’s a completely reasonable question.”

“we were sober,” liam defended. he interlocked his hand with harry’s. “i just turned to harry the other day and said i wanted to marry him, and we decided that it would be easier to just start the married life now. we didn’t need frills or anything.”

at that, amelie leaped off of her seat and jumped on top of both of them, bringing them into a hug that made all three of them tumble backwards. “i’m so happy for you guys,” she kissed both of their cheeks, keeping them close as harry remained frozen but liam wrapped a secure arm around her to ensure little injury on her part.

“i can’t believe you didn’t invite me!” niall finally said.

amelie sat up, giving each of the boys two more kisses before sitting back down and waiting for niall to elaborate.

“i was supposed to be your best man!” he got more irish by the second. “the stag-do was going to be incredible, we were going to play golf and then get a boat. a proper lads’ day! we haven’t had one of those in years!”

harry frowned, reaching for niall. he looked like someone shot him when niall slipped out of his reach. “niall.”

“you’re me best mate, harry. i wanted to watch ya’ get married, and give you a speech that would make you fuckin’ cry like a little baby because i write songs and i’m a fuckin’ poet and you’re an easy crier!” niall was rubbing at his eyes, trying to prevent the emotion from taking over.

amelie found liam’s eyes, and he looked equally as at a loss for how to handle the situation in front of them.

“i’m sorry,” harry tried. he reached for niall again. “i didn’t...i wasn’t thinking. we were just so in the moment, and we didn’t even tell our parents, niall you have to believe me. i didn’t want to hurt your feelings.” he looked at liam like he would know how to solve the world’s problems.

niall stood up. “i know you didn’t mean to, bro, but you did. i’m happy for you mate, thrilled, but i wish i could have been there.” the three watched him walk away, heading around the deck to the back of the boat.

harry stood up instantly. “i should go talk to him.”

amelie grabbed his wrist softly, “i’ll go. let him cool down, okay?” she used harry as leverage to pull herself up, standing in front of him and giving him a gentle smile. “it’ll be okay,” she promised, wiping her finger under his eye.

niall had his hands against the railing, back to amelie and staring out onto the ocean water. amelie came up behind him, her arms wrapping around his waist and her chin onto his shoulder. he said nothing and neither did she. niall liked to be held when he needed consoling and then spoken to.

“you know, i was the first person he came out to. i remember it. we were roommates our first year of university, and one night he turned to me, poor lad was shaking and couldn’t even look me in the eye.” he sighed. “he turned to me and said ‘niall, i’m gay’ and i just looked at him and said ‘will you still play video games with me?’ and from there it was like nothing changed. i was with him when he told his parents, and we know they’re just as supportive, and i was with him when he went through his weird phase of men who only wore salmon colored shorts.

“he’s my best friend. i wanted to be there because i have been there, and he’s been there too. he was the person i called after our first date, he came to pick out the ring with me. we’ve always been there for each other.”

amelie held him a little tighter. “should we elope? that’ll show him, yeah?” she teased, knowing it would pull a smile out of him.

it did.

he took her hand that was splayed over his stomach and brought it to his lips, kissing her knuckle. “as much as it would show him, i am looking forward to watching you walk down the aisle. and i know harry will give me a good speech, and he’ll go all out for my stag-do.”

amelie twisted him around so she could cuddle into his chest. “he’ll probably get you tickets to the british open. knowing him.” harry liked to spoil. it was his nature.

“maybe we should give him the opportunity to grovel sooner rather than later.” niall suggested, his nose nudging into her hair, her normal raspberry mint scent covered by salt-water. “i know we wanted to wait a bit, get a bit more settled but neither of us want a big wedding and i think we’re ready.”

amelie smiled into his chest. “you want to set a date?”

“how about october?”

“where?”

“the beach by your old place.”

amelie stood up straight so she could look at him properly. “really?”

he had wanted to get married in a church, because that’s what he always grew up thinking he would do. it was something he hadn’t backed down on, and she hadn’t backed down on not getting married in a church. she knew he had changed his mind when he was on the phone with his mom. but, what he didn’t know was that she had changed her mind too. both of them were ready to compromise for one another.

“i fell in love with you when your feet was covered in sand and our dog was trying to eat shells. i proposed to you on that beach, sweaty as anything. it makes sense to me, that that’s where i’d marry you too. at sunset.” he chuckled softly, hands coming to her cheeks to rub away the tears that had started to fall. “and i called harry an easy crier.”

amelie rolled her eyes, grabbing his wrists and leaning into his touch. “you’re a damn poet, horan. save it for the vows.”

“you want me to call harry an easy crier in our wedding vows?”

“no, but i do want you to go put him out of his misery.” she had left a harry that looked like a puppy who had been kicked. “the poor guy is such a romantic, baby. but he’s over there probably planning an entire ceremony just so you can be there and give a speech.”

“he is a romantic, isn’t he?” niall conceded, letting out a sigh and knocking his forehead against hers. “they brought us on their honeymoon, we should be celebrating not making harry cry.”

“you’re right.” although, amelie secretly hoped they would get a proper honeymoon that wasn’t just a weekend with friends. “now go on.”

“i think i need a kiss first, fuel you know?”

“fuel?”

niall’s eyebrow lifted, “yeah, fuel, my love. just a little kiss,” he puckered his lips, shutting his eyes and waiting patiently.

amelie couldn’t resist him, or his sweeping new hairstyle, or his stubble, or how he reminded her of the north star, bright enough to always bring her home. she kissed him, letting herself get lost in him for enough moments that her toes were lifted off the ground. “niall!” she laughed, stumbling when he put her down. “please go give your friend a hug.”

niall ran off, amelie followed, and was happy to witness her fiancé yell out to the newlyweds and attack harry with a hug that knocked both of them onto the ground. all she could do was laugh when she watched him kiss harry’s cheek and congratulate him profusely, the tear stains on harry’s face quickly being replaced by the magnetic grin he always had.

“your fiancé is an idiot.” liam stood next to her, draping an arm around her shoulder.

“your husband is strange.”

“i’ll drink to that.”

“hey!” two voices sounded from the opposite side of the deck sounded.

“we love you!”

[table-talker-blog]

Drinking and Not Eating in Adelaide: The Crisis of the Outshone City

I’m a hospitality guy. I am in love with my job and my industry. Being able to have fun while I work and share my passion for great booze with strangers is what I live for. Working at Biggies at Bertram has been the great experience of my life so far. I’ve met new and interesting people, some who I now call some of my dearest friends, all from working behind the bar. And after spending this past year travelling the country, enjoying amazing food and booze, partying with fresh faces, I can’t help but notice this gaping hole in Adelaide’s dining/nightlife culture.

First off the bat: this is not a skewering of Adelaide; I adore this town. Is there fantastic places to go eat and drink? Absolutely, some of the finest bars and restaurants in the country are on our doorstep (and of course it doesn’t hurt that if you call yourself an “Adelaidian”, you’re about 20 minutes from some of the best wine and produce in the world). Hains & Co., Pink Moon Saloon, The Wheatsheaf and NOLA are some of the great watering holes in Australia. Without a doubt eating at Africola on my father’s birthday was the best dining experience i’ve had in recent memory. There are plenty of great little pubs around town to sit back and sink pint after pint of Coopers Pale. Billy Bob’s BBQ jam at The Grace Emily is the best thing you can do on a Monday night, one of the best things you can do all week even. Wednesday night beers at the beloved Crown & Anchor (long live the Cranka) is a time honoured tradition. I’ve had too many (a.k.a not enough) knock-offs turned club nights at The Exeter Hotel. And my own haunt Biggies is the best place in town you can have a pretentious free boogie whilst enjoying some of South Australia’s best beer and wine. There is certainly no lack in the quality of our bar and restaurant scene. Quantity is another thing entirely.

It’s amazing in Melbourne and Sydney how easy it is to find a phenomenal place to drink or eat without even trying. You can walk down a street in St. Kilda on a Monday night and drink have cocktails until 1am, on a public holiday even! After a recent trip to Melbourne with some friends, walking down Chapel St. on the New Years Day public holiday, we were able to enjoy some amazing craft beer at The Local Taphouse, and then stumbled on Holy Grail, a fantastic little cocktail haunt, and were able to drink until it struck 1am and had to close up shop (shout outs to the bartender who let us close up with him and hang around to 3:30am though). In Adelaide, the streets would be completely empty, and for us hospo folk, the venues that stay open (pokies rooms and casino’s excluded) are look upon like Gods. Even food! Whilst at Holy Grail, we asked where we could get some food at that hour, and the barman just pointed out the door to a great pizza spot. The same thing happened 2 nights later at The Rook’s Return, great pizza just across the road (okay, we like pizza when we’re drinking, sue us). In Adelaide, it’s a scavenger hunt to find great pizza. You know your nearest pizza spot sucks. We’ve got very few and far between great local watering holes if you live outside the CBD, only pubs and pokies rooms with all your favourite lagers on tap. Again, nothing wrong with a pub and a pokies room, i’ll sit and drink beers in a pokies room bar till the day I die, but you can’t deny Melbourne has got us beat in the outer suburbs. Not a TKO, a full first round knock-out loss. As far as our restaurants go, Sydney wipes the floor with us just the same. To every really great restaurant in Adelaide, there is probably 10 of the same caliber in Sydney. From the upper echelon of places like Quay and Sepia, to the fringe, casual but experimental joints like ACME and 10 William St, there is just an enormous bag of brilliant places to go eat. You look at the most recent Top 100 Australian Restaurants list, it is littered with Victorian and New South Wales restaurants, South Australia’s first placing is at 47 (Africola) with only 5 in total (Orana 48, Peel St. 95, Hentley Farm 96, and Fino 98 rounding us off). And it’s not like Adelaide’s population is too small, it’s about 1.2 million at the moment, and I can’t stress this enough, our produce is incredible! It’s all in our basket, but more often than not, we don’t take the opportunity.

What I really think it stems down to, is that for the most part, the general population are extremely unwilling to go out and spend their money on a great meal, they’d rather stash their pennies and travel. And again, there is nothing wrong with that at all, it’s a fantastic thing to do with your hard earned cash, I do the same thing myself. But when we go and travel, we go out and we eat fantastic food, we drink amazing beer, wine and spirits, and we come home and tell everybody how amazing the food is in such and such is, we document it all on Instagram, and we miss out on the brilliant things going on just around the corner. In contrast, in Melbourne I like to ask the local single 20-somethings how often they go out for a drink or some food. The general response is about 3-4 times a week. For us Adelaide folk, it’s generally once, twice on a good week, only on weekends. There is very little of a midweek night out if you work the traditional 9-5 hours, the city generally teems with hospo folk. Maybe the binge drinking culture is a bit more prevalent in Adelaide. There has always been the culture of rocking up to a venue and asking “what’s the cheapest drink?” so you can smash back as many as you can. There’s a time and a place for that, and for us Adelaide heads, that means Saturday, when we don’t have to go to work the next day. Having a few glasses of wine with an amazing meal is an underrated experience in this town. Adelaidians are very unwilling to part with their cash if they’re not drunk by the end of it.

What I think contributes to this is the lack of understanding of why it costs to go out, and an under appreciation of hospitality workers. When you ask why it costs $20 for your breakfast and a coffee, you’re forgetting about the cook who made it, and the barista who enables your caffeine addiction. The food and drink in front of you is the cheapest part of the transaction, everything else costs far more than some smashed avocado and eggs on toast, you’re paying for someone to make it for you, and better. What i’ve noticed more in Melbourne and Sydney, is a higher amount of respect and admiration for a hospitality professional. There is an understanding that they are good at what they do and make a mighty fine cocktail. They know they put up with a lot of slack. They know without them, they would have a far less vibrant and fun city. They know they are the people that make their lives better. Of course there are people in Adelaide that understand this plight, but the next time you complain it being $9 for a pint of beer, you can go to the bottle shop down the road, buy a carton cheaper, go home, hang out with the same group of friends you’ve known since high school, get pissed, make yourself steak and veg for dinner and complain about being bored, then you might understand what you’re paying for.

I’m now at the age where a large portion of my friends are now moving to Melbourne, and i’d be lying if i haven’t had the same fantasy. Every time I visit I say I will move. But then I get back home and I see the potential of this city, and all I want to do is be a part of the collective of people who could make this city into a new tourist destination. But every year, I see more and more cool and interesting people with fresh ideas and a brilliant work ethic move to Melbourne. There’s far more opportunities available and there is more money for them, it’s a no brainer. This town has this old white liberal air about it. The State government will quickly spend tax payer money on infrastructure preparing for population development, rather than create ways to increase tourism and coerce people to make the move to South Australia. And look, i get that, infrastructure is an important aspect of how cities progress and makes day to day living more comfortable and easy (side note: Melbourne is again far superior in this aspect. But we’ve got Sydney covered no worries). But comfortable and easy is not on the radar of an under 30 year old, career opportunities and things to do are their priorities, and that demographic, the young people with bright minds are how Adelaide as a city is going to move forward, rather than making the people who are moving towards retirement more comfortable. It’s why people make fun of this city, using phrases like “Great place to raise your kids” and follow it up with “I went to Adelaide once. It was closed”. But then I look at Duncan Welgemoed. He’s a chef from South Africa who has worked at The Fat Duck under Heston Blumenthal and at Restaurant Gordon Ramsay. But he’s made Adelaide his home, winning Chef of the Year at Bistro Dom in 2013, and opening the oft mentioned in this piece Africola. He’s been one of these people who has made this town more vibrant and exciting, but he also moved here with his wife to start a family. But he opened an amazing restaurant, using the phenomenal produce that is around us, and has been reaping the rewards ever since. Unfortunately the youth of this town aren’t doing the same kind of thing.

In saying all this, I have to concede that we are getting better. I remember the days when Peel Street was a dank alleyway of our infamous nightclub strip Hindley Street. Now it is occupied by brilliant bars like Clever Little Tailor and Maybe Mae, and fantastic restaurants like Gondola Gondola and Peel St. It’s teeming with the kind of people that need to stick around. And I can’t stress this point enough: Mad March in Adelaide, with the Fringe and the Adelaide Festival going on, during that time of year, Adelaide is the greatest city in this country hands down. But around the country, there are cities that can keep that kind of vibrance pumping all year round. Being a part of Biggies of Bertram, I feel like one of those people who have added something to the city, and I think there are better days for Adelaide yet. There is a wealth of under utilised opportunities. But i’m holding on to the hope that this will happen before all my friends and people I admire ex-communicate to Melbourne. So for those of you playing at home in Adelaide: go out and eat, it’s only money. Drink less and drink better. Respect your hospitality workers, it’s not advisable to piss off the people making your coffee/food/drink. Make this city as fun as it could be. Give back and send forth positivity.

But at least we can get a beer at 2am. Sorry Sydney.

[unixcommerce]

Bob Phibbs of Retail Doctor: 53% of Retailers Think They Provide Great Customer Experience – Only 13% of Customers Agree

Oracle’s Netsuite division recently put out the Future of Retail report (free with registration) in partnership with Wakefield Research and The Retail Doctor.  The global study of 1,200 consumers and 400 retail executives across the U.S., U.K. and Australia found a huge disconnect between what retailers think shoppers want, and what shoppers actually want.  Major differences are found in areas spanning the overall retail environment, social media, personalization and the use of advanced technologies such as chatbots, artificial intelligence (AI), and virtual reality (VR).

Bob Phibbs, better known as The Retail Doctor, shared with me some of his more interesting takeaways from the study, and why the gap is so wide between retailers’ perceptions of what customers want, and customer expectations for experiences they want retailers to provide them.  Below is an edited transcript of our conversation. To see the full convo, watch the video, or click on the embedded SoundCloud player below.

Small Business Trends:  Give us a little of your personal background.

Bob Phibbs:  I work with brands, big brands typically, like Lego and Yamaha and a bunch of other people, to how do I maximize the customer engagement level at a brick and mortar store? I’ve been doing this in my 25th year. I started off in the trenches with working retail. I’ve also been an entrepreneur and I’ve been a franchisor.

Small Business Trends:  One of the things that jumped out to me when I first saw an email was the headline, ‘Alexa, 95% of consumers don’t want to talk to a robot when shopping’.

Bob Phibbs:  95% of retailers think VR and robots and all this stuff, when planning for the future, that that will make people feel more comfortable. Shockingly, what is it? 13% [of consumers] actually said that would make a difference for me going in a store. I think that really was an interesting point.

Yes, one can say, “We need to go to the cutting edge,” but it’s not like an iPhone. It’s not like people are saying, “Yeah. Give us this.” It’s more like, “This seems like a good idea, right? This seems like a good idea. Will customers come after it?”

There’s another recent survey not that long ago, Brent, that was talking about yes, voice is really important. However, they’re not shopping by voice. In fact, what most people use an Alexa and that stuff for is play music and what’s the weather? People don’t feel comfortable and confident in shopping on a voice-enabled device.

Small Business Trends:  What were some of the other main takeaways from the study that you find would be of interest to a lot of folks?

Bob Phibbs:  97% of people said that there remains to be a need for a brick and mortar retail store. I think that points to obviously the health of brick and mortar. We have left behind the 2017 retail apocalypse. “Stores are crappy, no one will ever go there again. We’re all just flying cars and eating avocado toast”.

The other disconnect I took out of the survey is that, in general, when you polled retailers, I think it was like 53% felt that they were providing an experience that made consumers feel more confident and less stressed and less alone. That’s what it is.  But less than 13% of consumers said that.

They actually said the opposite, “I feel more stressed, more alone and more anxiety when I go into a brick and mortar store.” How does somebody feel anxious and alone? You’re not talking to anybody and you’re left in these, essentially, warehouses of products that all look the same. In fact, I was just at the new Nike store in Soho the other night. It’s fascinating seeing the way they have remerchandised the store.

If you think of certain brands, which I won’t say, where it’s just walls of shoes, of tennis shoes, and it’s like, “You know, pick one out. Let me know if you need any help.” It’s like, “What’s on sale?” You feel stupid. You don’t know if you got the right one. Nike doesn’t do that. In fact, they have customized their location so much that you might just see this kind of a product over one specific sport.

Here’s the other thing that’s kind of interesting. Brick and mortar, and this speaks to what we learned at NRF, retailers are learning by their micro communities, by what people order online and buy in a store. In that Soho store, in the women’s section only, they started by color. All the black shoes are here. All of the, I think it’s the, not pink, but white are on somewhere else. Then, they look for use. They don’t do that in all their stores. It just happens to be this one area.

You’re like, “Dude. That would make me feel what? Oh more confident, less anxious and you’re going to be there to help me figure it out, less alone.” Brick and mortar retailers that are understanding this are actually remerchandising stores in the right way.

Small Business Trends:  How are retailers, the ones that are more successful than the average, how are they implementing or integrating these technologies into the store?

Bob Phibbs:  That’s an interesting question. At one seminar I attended, this one guy said, “We approached consumers and we said, ‘Okay. Here’s all the things we could personalize.’” They were like, “Yes. I want all that.” Then, they said, “And here’s all the data we need to collect to get that.” He said, “We thought they would all be like, ‘No.’ They were like, ‘I’m all right with that.’” But when it came to facial recognition, nobody wanted their face scanned. Yet, we’re hearing from Asia and China is like way ahead on all this stuff. In the States, that’s like you’ve crossed a line.

Voice is lateral, which means there’s no context. If I say, “Get me toilet paper Alexa,” it’s going to go up to its database. It’s going to see whatever was put in there for toilet paper, either it’s Four Star or it’s their own brand or it’s cheaper, but it’s not contextual like visual is, right? When I go onto a site and I say, “Oh I’m looking at that fleece you’ve got, that greenish, I hope that’s greenish, I hope my eyes are right, that greenish fleece you got on.” You see it and then it’s kind of like, “Oh, but here’s some other options you might like.” It takes you down a little different path. That’s the limit with voice.

Voice will never be the same as visual. This idea that we’re all going to be shopping on that, maybe we’re shopping on lists that are already put together. Maybe we’re doing that for subscriptions. Maybe we’re looking at for a pantry we built in Amazon. You’re probably not going to say, “Buy me the latest Nike tennis shoes.” That’s just not going to happen. There’s going to be room for everything.

I think all the smart retailers are trying to figure out, “Look. We have all these data points online. We have all these data points in-store. Instead of just saying, ‘We’re going to bring a kiosk into a store …’” Although several people did talk about that. Millennials and Gen X in particular like that idea of having that option. The smart ones are saying, “No. Let’s take all those data points and put them together.”

One of the guys who I was able to speak to at mystore-e.com out of Israel, what they do is they take that data. They take a retailer’s data and then they have a little app that comes out. The store manager, let’s say, he goes through and he opens it up one week. It’ll say, “Hey. These two products are selling well.” It’s like, “Okay.” It says, “Make sure they’re merchandised together, because that’s going online in here.” Then, it would be like, “All right. Take a picture that you remerchandised them in the store. Oh, and make sure that you tell the employees that if you sell this, you can sell that.” Now, what does that do?

We confidently know customers who buy this are going to buy this, that it’s not going to be a big deal. Customers are probably going to like that, because you know a lot of people are doing that. All of the smart ones have actually reinforced everything we’re saying on the Oracle survey has found. They’re working to make those customers feel more confident. It’s not through, oh, we have great signage. Or we have a buy online, pick up in-store. That’s not it. It’s that store experience. I’m a little passionate about this, Brent, so if I get a little on, you can just like, “Dude. Tone it down a little.” All right?

Small Business Trends:  Hey. What, on the survey, what were the most surprising findings to you?

Bob Phibbs:  From my vantage point that only 11% of retailers could answer, I definitely have the tools for my staff to give customers a personalized experience.

Small Business Trends:  Wow. Only 11%?

Bob Phibbs:  I mean that’s their confidence level. Again, don’t go to it like … Say, some people take personalization like you can drop my algorithm. As I walk in, it says, “Hi Bob.” I can now have Brent when he walks up to me like, “Hi Bob.” That’s not what we’re talking about here. A personal experience to me is one-on-one.

One-on-one would be, “Hey Brent. It’s great to see you back.” You say, “Yeah. That lawnmower you sold me, I need to get a new blade.” Oh hey, we connect the thing. I see your bought model eight. I’ve got the perfect one.” Now, it really is selling one-to-one.

Here’s the other thing, Brent. All right. In a mass store, in a big store, we have got the opportunity to buy a container of product or a line. Because it’s a store, we can move a lot of it. You can sell a lot easier. Online, this idea that online is so much more profitable… you’re really trying to sell one-to-one. It’s almost like you have to physically go out and find each of these people and say, “Please give me money. Hey, please give me money. Please give me money.”

Wayfair is spending $197 per new person they bring in the door. That’s not sustainable. I don’t know [inaudible 00:13:44] VC money you can burn through. Stores don’t have to worry about that. They have to worry about profitability, but that idea that if we can bring a lot of people into a store and we can do a better job of selling one-on-one, because of the dynamics of it … Let’s say I’m working with you in the lawnmower. Your wife says, “I like that green dress over there. I’m going to go try it on.” You’re like, “Okay, cool.” That can only happen in a store. Do you follow?

Small Business Trends:  That makes total sense. What kinds of retail companies are in the best position to succeed leveraging some of the things that we just talked about? Is it the big box stores, or is it the more boutique kind of stores? Or even the little mom-and-pop stores?

Bob Phibbs:  Dude, you’re not going to pin me down on that. They’re all different, right?

Small Business Trends:  Yeah.

Bob Phibbs:  Walmart and Amazon are kind of like King Kong and whatever the dinosaur was, Godzilla, like, “Argh.” They’re trying to outdo each other and they both have really some interesting good strengths about it. Right? The biggest danger with Amazon is, let’s be honest here, if they didn’t have AWS, they wouldn’t have access to cheap capital to be able to do all the stuff they’re doing. I think at some point, someone is going to have to say, “This has got to be regulated. It’s got to be broken up.” I don’t see how that continues. We broke up AT&T and the oil companies over far less individual stuff in our individual lives.

Then, you’ve got the boutiques. I got to tell you, Ted Baker is a frigging amazing brand with no tech that you can see. It’s a unique vision. It’s designer brand. They tell their story uniquely in every location, plus he has a limited group of skews, but here’s the thing that they do is every location is different.

I was in their store by Columbus Circle. It has all these rulers and yardsticks and you’re looking down on these little models on the wall. You’re looking down on New York. It’s because Columbus Circle is the center of New York City. Did you know that? That is the center that they measure out for, so that’s all the measuring stuff.”

You can’t cookie cutter that.

Small Business Trends:  No.

Bob Phibbs:  Most mom-and-pops feel like, “I don’t need a website. My customers are all loyal. If they don’t buy from me today, they’ll buy in the future.” They’re still trying to use that lever of 20, 30% off, and then screaming at people to buy local. I had a woman on my Facebook page this morning say, “Should I tell people that … Should I be honest with them and tell them they need to shop from me or I’ll be gone? Or should I just play it like everything’s fine and be nice?” I said, “Nobody’s attracted to struggling retailers. Otherwise, we would all be flocking to Sears right now, J. C. Penney.”

If I was a small retailer and were to read this I would be going like, “Wow. More than two in five, 43%, of Gen Z and millennial consumers plan on doing more shopping in physical stores in 2019.” I’d be like, “That is great news for brick and mortar stores. I guess I should go out and paint it and put a new awning on. I should pave the parking lot. I should do this to be ready for them.”

The problem is in that moment when they walk into your store and it feels old and it’s 10 minutes before someone talks to you and you ask that they have something, and they’re like, “No, but buy from us because we’re local,” they’re not coming back. Here’s the problem, Brent. They don’t come back and tell you that. They just don’t come back.

This article, “Bob Phibbs of Retail Doctor: 53% of Retailers Think They Provide Great Customer Experience – Only 13% of Customers Agree” was first published on Small Business Trends

https://smallbiztrends.com/

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[littlewalken]

July 10

This is the experience of owning a borzoi, friendly alien, or forest spirit in one video.

https://starswift-borzoi.tumblr.com/post/167105830683/green-collar-boy-voices-his-opinion-about-getting

Borzoi are born knowing how to say fu#k you, even half-zois. 

Even that dog whisper guy won’t deal with them. Incase you suddenly think you want one. These aren’t starter doggos. One of them got between the wall and the dryer, disconnected it from the vet, crushed the metal joints, and pulled down a metal file cabinet during a fireworks induced freakout while using Thunder Shirt pheromones.

So we returned the pheromones for a refund yesterday. They’ll see how far ‘it can take up to 2 weeks to work’ and ‘buy our Thunder Shirt’ when directly contacted and not responding at all on social media gets them. We needed our money back to pay for the damage the dog did on your product.

And there’s a Michaels by the pet store so I got to do a bit of shopping.

On the left cats, on the right little people with heart shaped gems. Bought the teardrops in the middle because I wanted a little something Blue Diamond. My Diamond of Infinite Tears is my totem diamond. Pearl, play Sorrow Tree by Moby.

The little heart people will be good for Crystal Gems if I get there. I have a star with yellow stones that would make a good Steven. Or they could be something else. Bought the only one I saw. 

They had a blue kite shaped natural stone but it was upside down for Blue Diamond. Nothing else was obviously shaped for anything else Steven. The teardrops are rounded but they have 3 shades of blue so there’s possible Lapis, Holly Blue Agate, and Aquamarine in there. 

The little heart people are just about right for tiny Amethyst in a seashell. I ended up putting the ‘amethyst’ cat on my regular charm bracelet. 

And they had an avocado to go with the baguette. The baguette comes with several cakes and macaroons. The chain is aluminum jump rings, just get gold, silver, and black in the same size. Bigger is better, I forgot what size those are but any smaller wouldn’t have been able to put all 3 together. 

I put a Blue Diamond in my art journal tornado of thought book. I used glitter glue for her tears but it’s not quite honey bunny. The coloring was done with a mix of markers, didn’t really care too much, just wanted a screaming Blue Diamond in there. 

These are acrylic paint in the Stillman and Birn Nova book. It held up quite well to a couple of thin coats, no real warping or anything. Did some more work putting in their features, thinking of trying some pearl or gloss finish for her tears. 

The Steven Universe style is difficult for me to look how I feel is ‘right’. When I put them in a sketchbook I want them to look like themselves not like my interpretation. That’s just me. Remember being a kid and wanting to draw your favorite characters? 

I know there’s an art and origins book but I’m kind of looking forward to something with everyone in it afterwards. I don’t think Pink Diamond is in there.

Was going to say that the reason Blue doesn’t match her mural was her depression but in the flashback with Pink being alive she looked the same except for the dark circles under eyes. Maybe having Pink around aged her? 

On the writing side of things I realized that some of the little moments were missing from the boyband story. Like wait, where’s the roller skating part, didn’t they go to a charity movie show, chocolate chip pancakes. It’s a good think I like these characters because I’ll need to go through it again. Mr Baxter used to be on the boat.

When it got stripped down after a draft it might have gotten too stripped down. Could have had a previous draft on hand with the rewrite but the story will live. Writer’s world complaints, lol.

Really glad I like those characters and want to tell their story because this one is close to 100 pages and could take a month of solid work to rewrite.

ANd we finally got a new microwave. Turns out the hardware store is having a fabulous sale on stuff like that. It’s been well over a year without one, if you can imagine.

[aliceinguatemala]

Sunday and Stoves

(Due to technical difficulties, I can’t add pictures to this post, so please see my next post for pictures related to this post.)

Sunday morning we got up, had some breakfast on the hotel’s terrace and set off in our bus for Panajachel on Lake Atitlan. (By the way, tumblr doesn’t give you the option of using accents over vowels as one does in written Spanish - or at least I can’t figure out how to do it. I mention this as Lake Atitlan should have an accent over the second “a.”) Before we left Antigua, we drove up to the Parque Cerro de la Cruz, which translates as Hill of the Cross Park. You can walk up 330 steps from below or you can drive up. In the interest of time, we drove up, but I’m certain all of us could make the climb, no sweat. Well, okay, probably sweat, but still. The view looks out over the city and you’re able to see all three volcanos, but the one that shows up most prominently in pictures looking straight out from the cross is Agua. We took our first group photo and then hit the road.

The trip took a little over two hours. We stopped at a rest stop where various vendors sell art, clothing, food and natural bath and body products. I bought some avocado body lotion at a great price. When I travel to other countries I am often surprised at how little artisans of all kinds charge for their work, based on the amount of labor involved. I’ll say more about this when I get to our visit to the weaving cooperative in San Juan la Laguna.

We arrived at the Cacique Inn here in Panajachel around 12:30 or so. After settling in and having lunch, we had a little free time before going off to the Habitat office here. Many of us walked down the main street to the lake, where a beautiful view awaits. But to get to the view, you have to walk down this street lined with restaurants alongside vendors selling t-shirts, locally woven and embroidered clothing, backpacks, bags and whatever else can be adorned, pottery, tchotchkes and various other sundries. You may also be followed, as we were, by one or more young boys trying to sell their wares. Jackie B, who is quite softhearted, made the mistake of paying attention to one of the young vendors. Encouraged by her attention, he followed us all the way down the street until I, the callous New Yorker, told him that we weren’t going to buy anything and he went off to try his luck elsewhere. It’s challenging to constantly say no and fend people off, especially kids, but as many of us know, especially those of us who live in New York, you’ve got to draw the line somewhere. Otherwise there will be nothing left of yourself and your soul to help those you can help.

During our orientation, we learned about the work we would be doing. Besides building houses for families, Habitat also has a program where they build smokeless stoves and latrines, as well as provide water filters. A family must pay something toward these projects and in the case of the stoves, they pay 150 Quetzals, which is equivalent to about US $20; the total cost of the stove is about US $150. On our build, we’re building only stoves. We have three teams of four and we each build a stove a day for four days. So you math whizzes will have determined we’re going to build 12 stoves.

Many of the poor Guatemalan families cook inside over an open flame. Over time, the room can become black with smoke. Tom showed us a photo of one room that had developed stalactites, or as Tom calls it, “carbon crud,” on the ceiling from years of cooking indoors over the open flame. The Guatemalans with whom we’re working generally live in a collection of cobbled together huts or cinder block dwellings. A room can stand alone or share a wall with one or two other rooms. 

Both of the stoves my group has built the last two days have been in kitchens that you enter directly from outside. To get to another room, you need to go outside and then come back inside the next room.  Often times these dwellings are covered over by a tin corrugated roof and have doors held closed by string, rope or wire. 

The “bathrooms” are often, as our last two have been, a cement “toilet” over a hole in the ground with “walls” of bed sheets or tarps strung up on bamboo poles held in place by string and whatever else is available. If you visit the loo, you’ll be sharing the space with a lot of flies.

Often the areas surrounding the homes of these families have tools, wood, plastic buckets, chicken coops, dogs and cats and detritus scattered about. Yesterday there was one small, pink plastic shoe left abandoned by a small puddle in the yard. Today a bright yellow plastic hair clip shared the same fate, minus the puddle. We’ve been working in an area twenty minutes or so from Pana. Our families might own a small plot of land which cannot be farmed so they work in other people’s fields. Or in the case of the two brothers and their wives, from yesterday’s build, both brothers supported the family by embroidering fabric which is fashioned into clothing.

Thus far our building sites have been surrounded by fields of tall corn stalks. Today there was a stark contrast between the beauty of Lake Atitlan, which we could see from our site, and the poverty in which the family lives. On our way to their home, we walked in past a cow tied to a rope standing down a slight hill from a grouping of sheds and huts of a neighboring family. Approaching our family’s site, we passed a pig in its pen and some chicken coops with their occupants in residence though they were later let out to roam. Taking a snooze in the dirt were three dogs. Laundry hung everywhere, strung along clotheslines. 

There were three or four “kitchens” in the family’s compound which were outside and covered by makeshift tin roofs. One of them had a stove, though not up to the quality of those we’re building. And when I say stove, I don’t mean a Viking range. I mean a stove built with large, handmade bricks, mortar, sand and cement. A plancha, a stainless steel cooktop with three “burners,” sits across the top. The burners are circles of metal you lift off with a special tool, which looks sort of like a candle snuffer outer. There’s a small hook on the end that goes into the small hole in the “burner” so that you can lift it off the plancha. The stove is heated by a wood fire made directly underneath the plancha. The chimney is made of aluminum and goes up and out through the roof. Hence, the smokeless stove.

At orientation we learned about the stoves and latrines and water filters, even though we’re building only stoves. Each of these three items vastly improves the health of the families. There is a significant difference between before and after cooking areas. 

After our introduction to the local staff and our work, we enjoyed some delicious tres leches cake. Being a connoisseur of cake and dessert in general, I can say that tres leches cakes vary greatly in taste. I’m partial to the homemade cake I first had in Oaxaca years ago. Most times when I order tres leches in a restaurant, what I get doesn’t come close to that first cake. I’m pleased to say this one did. I’m also pleased to say that delicious as the cake was, I was virtuous and left about half my piece on my plate.

We returned to our hotel shortly after our cake, which was served with cola. I believe most of us declined the cola. The cake on its own was sweet enough. According to Sandra, one of our terrific field coordinators, Guatemalans put sugar in everything. You get fruit for dessert, it’s got sugar on it. You want a cold drink, it’s got sugar in it. That’s not to say these things aren’t good, but they’re super sweet.

On the way back to the Cacique Inn some of us got sidetracked at this cool shop selling shoes, boots and bags with the local weaving incorporated into all the designs. Karen and Jackie B. both got some neat shoes - Karen some colorful ballet flats and Jackie some shoes that look like Tom’s shoes, the original design. I have my eye on a couple of the very attractive handbags made of leather and woven fabric. As I’ve already mentioned, I've already made some purchases. And I haven’t even told you about the shopping I did at the women’s weaving cooperative in San Juan la Laguna.

Later that night we met with four of the women from Casa Flor Ixcaco, the women’s weaving cooperative. They told us about their business and how it had come to be and how it’s managed now. We heard about their plans and dreams for the future. After their talk, we had dinner together, and the next morning we took a boat ride across the lake to their village, San Juan la Laguna. And that is where I shall pick up in my next post.

Hasta luego para ahora.

[unixcommerce]

Bob Phibbs of Retail Doctor: 53% of Retailers Think They Provide Great Customer Experience – Only 13% of Customers Agree

Oracle’s Netsuite division recently put out the Future of Retail report (free with registration) in partnership with Wakefield Research and The Retail Doctor.  The global study of 1,200 consumers and 400 retail executives across the U.S., U.K. and Australia found a huge disconnect between what retailers think shoppers want, and what shoppers actually want.  Major differences are found in areas spanning the overall retail environment, social media, personalization and the use of advanced technologies such as chatbots, artificial intelligence (AI), and virtual reality (VR).

Bob Phibbs, better known as The Retail Doctor, shared with me some of his more interesting takeaways from the study, and why the gap is so wide between retailers’ perceptions of what customers want, and customer expectations for experiences they want retailers to provide them.  Below is an edited transcript of our conversation. To see the full convo, watch the video, or click on the embedded SoundCloud player below.

Small Business Trends:  Give us a little of your personal background.

Bob Phibbs:  I work with brands, big brands typically, like Lego and Yamaha and a bunch of other people, to how do I maximize the customer engagement level at a brick and mortar store? I’ve been doing this in my 25th year. I started off in the trenches with working retail. I’ve also been an entrepreneur and I’ve been a franchisor.

Small Business Trends:  One of the things that jumped out to me when I first saw an email was the headline, ‘Alexa, 95% of consumers don’t want to talk to a robot when shopping’.

Bob Phibbs:  95% of retailers think VR and robots and all this stuff, when planning for the future, that that will make people feel more comfortable. Shockingly, what is it? 13% [of consumers] actually said that would make a difference for me going in a store. I think that really was an interesting point.

Yes, one can say, “We need to go to the cutting edge,” but it’s not like an iPhone. It’s not like people are saying, “Yeah. Give us this.” It’s more like, “This seems like a good idea, right? This seems like a good idea. Will customers come after it?”

There’s another recent survey not that long ago, Brent, that was talking about yes, voice is really important. However, they’re not shopping by voice. In fact, what most people use an Alexa and that stuff for is play music and what’s the weather? People don’t feel comfortable and confident in shopping on a voice-enabled device.

Small Business Trends:  What were some of the other main takeaways from the study that you find would be of interest to a lot of folks?

Bob Phibbs:  97% of people said that there remains to be a need for a brick and mortar retail store. I think that points to obviously the health of brick and mortar. We have left behind the 2017 retail apocalypse. “Stores are crappy, no one will ever go there again. We’re all just flying cars and eating avocado toast”.

The other disconnect I took out of the survey is that, in general, when you polled retailers, I think it was like 53% felt that they were providing an experience that made consumers feel more confident and less stressed and less alone. That’s what it is.  But less than 13% of consumers said that.

They actually said the opposite, “I feel more stressed, more alone and more anxiety when I go into a brick and mortar store.” How does somebody feel anxious and alone? You’re not talking to anybody and you’re left in these, essentially, warehouses of products that all look the same. In fact, I was just at the new Nike store in Soho the other night. It’s fascinating seeing the way they have remerchandised the store.

If you think of certain brands, which I won’t say, where it’s just walls of shoes, of tennis shoes, and it’s like, “You know, pick one out. Let me know if you need any help.” It’s like, “What’s on sale?” You feel stupid. You don’t know if you got the right one. Nike doesn’t do that. In fact, they have customized their location so much that you might just see this kind of a product over one specific sport.

Here’s the other thing that’s kind of interesting. Brick and mortar, and this speaks to what we learned at NRF, retailers are learning by their micro communities, by what people order online and buy in a store. In that Soho store, in the women’s section only, they started by color. All the black shoes are here. All of the, I think it’s the, not pink, but white are on somewhere else. Then, they look for use. They don’t do that in all their stores. It just happens to be this one area.

You’re like, “Dude. That would make me feel what? Oh more confident, less anxious and you’re going to be there to help me figure it out, less alone.” Brick and mortar retailers that are understanding this are actually remerchandising stores in the right way.

Small Business Trends:  How are retailers, the ones that are more successful than the average, how are they implementing or integrating these technologies into the store?

Bob Phibbs:  That’s an interesting question. At one seminar I attended, this one guy said, “We approached consumers and we said, ‘Okay. Here’s all the things we could personalize.’” They were like, “Yes. I want all that.” Then, they said, “And here’s all the data we need to collect to get that.” He said, “We thought they would all be like, ‘No.’ They were like, ‘I’m all right with that.’” But when it came to facial recognition, nobody wanted their face scanned. Yet, we’re hearing from Asia and China is like way ahead on all this stuff. In the States, that’s like you’ve crossed a line.

Voice is lateral, which means there’s no context. If I say, “Get me toilet paper Alexa,” it’s going to go up to its database. It’s going to see whatever was put in there for toilet paper, either it’s Four Star or it’s their own brand or it’s cheaper, but it’s not contextual like visual is, right? When I go onto a site and I say, “Oh I’m looking at that fleece you’ve got, that greenish, I hope that’s greenish, I hope my eyes are right, that greenish fleece you got on.” You see it and then it’s kind of like, “Oh, but here’s some other options you might like.” It takes you down a little different path. That’s the limit with voice.

Voice will never be the same as visual. This idea that we’re all going to be shopping on that, maybe we’re shopping on lists that are already put together. Maybe we’re doing that for subscriptions. Maybe we’re looking at for a pantry we built in Amazon. You’re probably not going to say, “Buy me the latest Nike tennis shoes.” That’s just not going to happen. There’s going to be room for everything.

I think all the smart retailers are trying to figure out, “Look. We have all these data points online. We have all these data points in-store. Instead of just saying, ‘We’re going to bring a kiosk into a store …’” Although several people did talk about that. Millennials and Gen X in particular like that idea of having that option. The smart ones are saying, “No. Let’s take all those data points and put them together.”

One of the guys who I was able to speak to at mystore-e.com out of Israel, what they do is they take that data. They take a retailer’s data and then they have a little app that comes out. The store manager, let’s say, he goes through and he opens it up one week. It’ll say, “Hey. These two products are selling well.” It’s like, “Okay.” It says, “Make sure they’re merchandised together, because that’s going online in here.” Then, it would be like, “All right. Take a picture that you remerchandised them in the store. Oh, and make sure that you tell the employees that if you sell this, you can sell that.” Now, what does that do?

We confidently know customers who buy this are going to buy this, that it’s not going to be a big deal. Customers are probably going to like that, because you know a lot of people are doing that. All of the smart ones have actually reinforced everything we’re saying on the Oracle survey has found. They’re working to make those customers feel more confident. It’s not through, oh, we have great signage. Or we have a buy online, pick up in-store. That’s not it. It’s that store experience. I’m a little passionate about this, Brent, so if I get a little on, you can just like, “Dude. Tone it down a little.” All right?

Small Business Trends:  Hey. What, on the survey, what were the most surprising findings to you?

Bob Phibbs:  From my vantage point that only 11% of retailers could answer, I definitely have the tools for my staff to give customers a personalized experience.

Small Business Trends:  Wow. Only 11%?

Bob Phibbs:  I mean that’s their confidence level. Again, don’t go to it like … Say, some people take personalization like you can drop my algorithm. As I walk in, it says, “Hi Bob.” I can now have Brent when he walks up to me like, “Hi Bob.” That’s not what we’re talking about here. A personal experience to me is one-on-one.

One-on-one would be, “Hey Brent. It’s great to see you back.” You say, “Yeah. That lawnmower you sold me, I need to get a new blade.” Oh hey, we connect the thing. I see your bought model eight. I’ve got the perfect one.” Now, it really is selling one-to-one.

Here’s the other thing, Brent. All right. In a mass store, in a big store, we have got the opportunity to buy a container of product or a line. Because it’s a store, we can move a lot of it. You can sell a lot easier. Online, this idea that online is so much more profitable… you’re really trying to sell one-to-one. It’s almost like you have to physically go out and find each of these people and say, “Please give me money. Hey, please give me money. Please give me money.”

Wayfair is spending $197 per new person they bring in the door. That’s not sustainable. I don’t know [inaudible 00:13:44] VC money you can burn through. Stores don’t have to worry about that. They have to worry about profitability, but that idea that if we can bring a lot of people into a store and we can do a better job of selling one-on-one, because of the dynamics of it … Let’s say I’m working with you in the lawnmower. Your wife says, “I like that green dress over there. I’m going to go try it on.” You’re like, “Okay, cool.” That can only happen in a store. Do you follow?

Small Business Trends:  That makes total sense. What kinds of retail companies are in the best position to succeed leveraging some of the things that we just talked about? Is it the big box stores, or is it the more boutique kind of stores? Or even the little mom-and-pop stores?

Bob Phibbs:  Dude, you’re not going to pin me down on that. They’re all different, right?

Small Business Trends:  Yeah.

Bob Phibbs:  Walmart and Amazon are kind of like King Kong and whatever the dinosaur was, Godzilla, like, “Argh.” They’re trying to outdo each other and they both have really some interesting good strengths about it. Right? The biggest danger with Amazon is, let’s be honest here, if they didn’t have AWS, they wouldn’t have access to cheap capital to be able to do all the stuff they’re doing. I think at some point, someone is going to have to say, “This has got to be regulated. It’s got to be broken up.” I don’t see how that continues. We broke up AT&T and the oil companies over far less individual stuff in our individual lives.

Then, you’ve got the boutiques. I got to tell you, Ted Baker is a frigging amazing brand with no tech that you can see. It’s a unique vision. It’s designer brand. They tell their story uniquely in every location, plus he has a limited group of skews, but here’s the thing that they do is every location is different.

I was in their store by Columbus Circle. It has all these rulers and yardsticks and you’re looking down on these little models on the wall. You’re looking down on New York. It’s because Columbus Circle is the center of New York City. Did you know that? That is the center that they measure out for, so that’s all the measuring stuff.”

You can’t cookie cutter that.

Small Business Trends:  No.

Bob Phibbs:  Most mom-and-pops feel like, “I don’t need a website. My customers are all loyal. If they don’t buy from me today, they’ll buy in the future.” They’re still trying to use that lever of 20, 30% off, and then screaming at people to buy local. I had a woman on my Facebook page this morning say, “Should I tell people that … Should I be honest with them and tell them they need to shop from me or I’ll be gone? Or should I just play it like everything’s fine and be nice?” I said, “Nobody’s attracted to struggling retailers. Otherwise, we would all be flocking to Sears right now, J. C. Penney.”

If I was a small retailer and were to read this I would be going like, “Wow. More than two in five, 43%, of Gen Z and millennial consumers plan on doing more shopping in physical stores in 2019.” I’d be like, “That is great news for brick and mortar stores. I guess I should go out and paint it and put a new awning on. I should pave the parking lot. I should do this to be ready for them.”

The problem is in that moment when they walk into your store and it feels old and it’s 10 minutes before someone talks to you and you ask that they have something, and they’re like, “No, but buy from us because we’re local,” they’re not coming back. Here’s the problem, Brent. They don’t come back and tell you that. They just don’t come back.

This article, “Bob Phibbs of Retail Doctor: 53% of Retailers Think They Provide Great Customer Experience – Only 13% of Customers Agree” was first published on Small Business Trends

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