#where i am truly alone and i get to sing and dance and make music and eat and whatever without being yelled at or having to be quiet or

[pepprs]

having some time alone in the hotel this week (which is abt to end bc we’re moving back home tmrrw even though the renovation isn’t finished 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪) and being able to have the bedroom to myself has made me think rebellious thoughts my family would be very offended over. like maybe i listened to less and less music these last few years due in part to the fact that ive spentmore time at home than i used to and i also lived on campus w roommates in a very uncomfortable arrangement and im unable to move freely about the cabin when im living w other ppl whose needs don’t align w mine and so ive just gotten used to not having all of my needs met and always being the person to take the short end of the stick…. but i actually need to be able to sing and dance and draw and do whatever and when im alone (which is almost never) im able to do that and that’s actually legit and as important as anyone else’s needs in a space i share w them. idk if i worded that well but yeah

[nolita-fairytale]

don’t want to walk alone | carmen ‘carmy' berzatto | chapter three: september

summary: the moment we've all be waiting for: you and carmy get married.

warnings: swearing, eventual smut, lots of tooth rotting fluff, marriage, no use of y/n, second person pov, she/her pronouns

wc: 7.1k

listen to: the official don't want to walk alone playlist. there is SO much music in this chapter, so per the playlist, it starts with 'it takes two' and ends with 'love story.'

a/n: ok so this chapter was a behemoth to write and i am in fact in love with it. it's taken me days, really weeks, to get what i wanted out of it and i still feel like i could've gone deeper. however, i'm also kind of just happy to have this out in the world and give these two the wedding they wanted me to give them. each moment was curated and thought out, down to the music selection so this chapter is really just a product of me stewing on this idea for quite a bit of time. this is a part of my make my heart surrender universe so check out the masterlist if you haven't read the series! next up? their long weekend at the langham where we really get carmy x reader and moments for just them. please let me know if you'd like to be added or removed from the taglist.

part two | masterlist | part four

“It takes two to make a thing go riiiiight.”

You never pictured the night before your wedding like this, you think to yourself, as you listen to Fak sing, to the best of his ability in a somewhat-decent falsetto, along to the 90s hip hop classic. 

Hell, you’re not sure you really ever pictured your wedding, but as you sit, surrounded by the people you love, you can’t see it going any other way than this. You watch as Richie rallies up as many people as he can for shots of Mallort, recounting that infamous morning at Ceres – a story he’s told over and over again, yet still manages to tell as animated and boisterously as the first time you heard it. 

You groan as you watch Richie successfully convince Gary to take a shot with him, Gary’s face twisting into a look of disgust in response to the foul taste of the Chicago liquor, as Sugar reminds him that he should know better by now. 

Carmy gives your knee a squeeze while simultaneously brushing off Richie’s attempt at shoving a shot in his direction. You laugh, a warm feeling filling you to the brim (could be the beer, could be being surrounded by your people), while Sydney jumps right into her best Rob Base impression. 

It just so happens that your continuously put-off ‘let’s shoot for next month’ karaoke plans with a few staff members from The Bear coincided with plans to go out with friends before the wedding, which is how you’ve found yourself here. 

After a lovely dinner at The Bear, your parents went back to the hotel for the night, insisting that you two go and have your fun. And as much as you would’ve loved to have brought your mother-who-has-a-doctorate-in-music-theory to karaoke night, she much preferred a good night’s sleep. 

The crowded bar claps enthusiastically as Fak and Sydney wrap up their song, finishing their truly-made-up-only-for-comedy dance moves. You giggle, exchanging another glance with Carmy, as your friends take their bows, before shuffling off of the stage. 

You hear the loud boom of the emcee’s voice through the microphone as he says:

“And up next we got… Tina!”

“Let’s go, T!” you shout through hands crowded around your mouth, in an effort to increase your volume of sound. 

Carmy cheers, clapping his hands together as Richie enthusiastically chants Tina’s name while Tina makes her way to the stage. 

“This is gonna be good,” Sugar nudges you, from where you are, seated in between the Berzatto siblings. 

You nod your head in agreement before settling in a little closer to Carmy. 

“The queen, herself,” Sydney remarks, gesturing towards the stage as she and Fak both return to your table. Sydney pulls up a chair next to where you and Carmy sit while Fak joins Richie on the other side of it. “And the ONLY act that could follow our exceptional performance.” 

“Well, exactly,” you agree, playfully. 

You exchange a laugh with Syd, while Carmy playfully rolls his eyes at the two of you. 

The crowded bar room goes quiet as soon as Tina reaches the stage, smiling nervously as she grabs the mic. 

“This one goes out to our favorite Jeffrey. And his lady Jeff,” she begins, earning a round of cheers and hollers from the group you’re with. Tina blows a kiss you and Carmy’s way, before nodding at the emcee to begin. 

“I love you guys.”

You hear the beginning notes of the iconic Etta James tune, gasping in anticipation of her song:

“at last my love has come along my lonely days are over and life is like a song.”

You sigh in admiration, a hand over your heart as Tina continues to sing. Her voice is powerful, soulful – perfect for the song, really – as she continues into the second verse. 

“at last the skies above are blue my heart was wrapped up in clover the night I looked at you.”

This time, it’s Carmy who steals a glance your way, his mind taken back to that fateful night at a bar in Hell’s Kitchen, when he spilled his drink on you so many years ago. You’re entranced, enchanted, with Tina’s performance, and he thinks to himself, that maybe this is the best it’s ever going to get: being here with you, getting to love you, on the cusp of promising you ‘forever’ tomorrow. 

Never had he expected that you’d make it this far. You’d always been so much cooler than him – well-liked, talented, funny – in and out of the kitchen, that he had no idea how the hell he was supposed to talk to you without vomiting all over your shoes out of nerves. 

He can remember that night so vividly: standing there in the restroom of the bar he can barely remember the name of, while you stood across from him with the kind of glare on your face he swore could kill him. But you didn’t, and after many attempts to push you away, you asked him to be your friend, deeming it the day that started it all – a friendship that would teeter the line of friendship and something more, one that would bloom into the greatest love he’s ever known. As much as he hates to give Nate fucking Walker any kind of credit, he’ll the be first in line to say he’s glad the jagoff pushed him into you, setting it all in motion. 

You can see that Carmy’s become distracted, lost in thought as the song finishes, something behind your favorite pair of blue eyes as the entire bar ignites into a huge round of celebratory claps for Tina’s performance. 

You look up over at him, setting your beer bottle down on the table before leaning over to whisper in his ear.

“I can hear you thinkin’ over there, Berzatto,” you tease him quietly, pulling him from his trip down memory lane. “It’s only the night before the biggest day of your life. Relax.”

Carmy rolls his eyes playfully in response, but before he can properly respond to your jab, the emcee has begun introducing the next karaoke singers to the stage. 

“Alright. Looks like I’ve got uh… three singers here this time,” the emcee says, his voice cutting sharply through the crowd of remaining cheers. “Let’s welcome Sydney back to the stage with… Sugar and… the bride to be!” 

“What!?” you exclaim, your eyes wide with surprise as Sydney jumps to her feet.  

“But I didn’t-,” you begin to protest, as Sugar pulls you to your feet, tugging on your arm. 

“Oh there’s no way in hell we’re letting you sit this one out,” Sugar orders you, as Sydney rushes to your side, ushering you towards the stage. 

“Yeah this was your idea!” Sydney simultaneously reminds you. 

“Babe! Help!” you call out to Carmy, only to be met with a shrug and a look that says ‘don’t think I could if I tried.’ 

“Oh, he’s in on this,” Sydney adds, which does explain why he didn’t even attempt to help you when your friends began dragging you out of your chair. “So don’t even think about asking him for help.”

“Wh-? But I don’t even know what we’re singing!” you continue to protest, looking from Sugar to Sydney as they push you onto the stage with them. 

“Trust,” Sydney reassures you, her face serious, while Nat slides a sash over you (one you’ve refused to wear all night) that has the word, ‘BRIDE’ printed over it in huge gold lettering. You groan, sending a glare in Nat’s direction, even though you know it’s all in good fun. 

You hear Richie shout, while Fak and Marcus clap loudly, and Carmy laughs, shouting words of encouragement your way. 

You know there’s no use in putting up a fight, especially since this was your idea anyways, as you begrudgingly take one of the three wireless mics. Before you can ask once more, what the hell Syd and Nat signed the three of you up to sing, a distinct slide of piano keys comes in, lighting up the karaoke screen in front of you. 

You grin immediately, in recognition, and to your two best friend’s delight, as they smile too, raising the mics to your lips to sing:

“friday night and the lights are low looking out for a place to go where they play the right music getting in the swing you come to look for a king.”

You laugh as your friends point towards Carmy on the last line. The three of you continue to sing the next part with reckless abandon, and all is forgiven. 

You could care less about how the three of them conspired against you to get you up here. All that matters now is that you’re here, singing one of your favorite songs with your best friends, grooving and dancing to the ABBA classic, as you prepare to marry your best friend. 

“you can dance you can jive having the time of your life ooh, see that girl watch that scene digging the dancing queen.”

"what good is love without any strings?" dayglow, 'close to me'

“Baby.”

Carmy groans in response, as soon as he hears the low hum of your voice. 

“Good morning,” you say, a soft smile on your face as you watch him begin to blink his eyes open. 

Carmy turns his head towards you, and he can’t believe he gets to wake up to this – to you – every single day. 

“Hey,” he says back, a soft smile spreading across his lips. “Good Morning, sweetheart.” 

“Guess what?” you ask him with the kind of glee and anticipation as a kid on Christmas morning. 

“Hmm?” he hums, as you smooth a hand over his chest, your body pressed against his side as you look at your soon-to-be husband. 

“We’re getting married today,” you grin, a giddiness that bubbles inside of you. 

“‘S that so?” he mumbles, playfully. 

“Uh huh,” you nod with a chuckle, this time playing along. “Don’t tell me you forgot.”

Instead of replying with words, Carmy swiftly wraps an arm around you, before flipping you so that you’re the one on your back this time. You let out of a shriek and a laugh as he leans down, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips before adding:

“How could I ever?”

You shrug casually, “Weeeelll…. you just have so much going on up there.” You reach up to where Carmy hovers above you, brushing a golden curl out of his eyes as you continue your little dance. 

“You know, between the restaurant and all that time spent being a genius,” you joke, bantering with Carmy. “Don’t know how you have the time to remember silly little things like wedding dates and what not.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Carmy laughs, shaking his head incredulously, before pressing another kiss, this one much deeper to your lips again. 

And this time, as he pulls away, he gives you one of those languid looks that pierces right through your soul replying much more seriously this time with:

“I could never forget you.”

The way he says it with such conviction takes your breath away, and you know that Carmy means it. The double meaning isn’t lost on him either. 

It’s one of the reasons he called you all those years ago to come teach Marcus; it’s why you ended up in Chicago:

Because as much as he tried, as damn good at compartmentalizing as he’d always been, he really could never forget you. Carmy shakes his head once more, a playful smile on his face as he leans down to kiss you again, wondering when the hell he got this fuckin’ sentimental. As he places his mouth over yours, you’re more than happy to switch gears into doing this dance for a little longer. 

 Carmy traces light shapes against your skin, his mouth pouring love into yours with every kiss, with every drag of his tongue. You gasp as he grinds his hips into yours, making it clear where he’d like this all to go. You pull away, only for a moment, giggling cheekily. 

“Babe, I-,” you begin to protest, as Carmy chuckles, continuing to kiss you with zero intention of stopping “We… we’re going to be late.” This time, you feel his hands snake underneath the t-shirt you’ve been sleeping in, sending chills down your spine. 

“And-, Carm-, I-, I have to do my hair for-, … and what about-, my parents, they’ll-,” you stammer through, your thoughts becoming all kinds of disorganized with the way Carmy’s lips move against your neck this time. 

“I’ll be quick,” he answers with an aplomb you didn’t know he had in him. 

“I don’t know if that’s the flex you think it is,” you tease him as his hands begin to cup your breasts, your body responding with an involuntary arch of your back. 

“How fast I can make you come? I think it might be?” he murmurs against your lips, cockily.  

“Carmy,” you moan, as he begins to pull your t-shirt up higher, making it incredibly difficult to think of your to-do list for much longer. 

“Oh fuck it,” you sigh, deciding that, perhaps there’s no harm in getting the honeymoon started a little early anyways. 

“That’s my girl,” Carmy whispers against you, grinning like a Cheshire cat as you surrender to him. 

And he’s right about this too. 

How fast he can make you cum deserves all kinds of bragging rights, awards – a Nobel Peace prize, even – and you’re not sure why you thought getting a head start on doing your hair would’ve been the better idea in the first place. You spend the morning in the arms of the man you plan to spend forever with as he writes love letters, promises to give you the world, declarations of adoration with the pleasure he brings you. And besides, you’re not running all that behind on time anyways – something you realize, as the two of you get out of the shower (a round two, really). 

It takes a little longer than expected – mostly due to the fact that you and Carmy can’t seem to keep your hands off of each other – but against all odds, the two of you pull up to the courthouse right on time. 

It’s a sight for sore eyes: you, running hand in hand with your husband-to-be in a white, halter-cut wedding dress while Carmy follows along, in a classic black suit – no tie around the neck – as the two of you hurry into the courthouse. 

Sure, you could’ve tried to get here early – saved a little time and stress – but where’s the fun in that?

The two of you approach your families, hand in hand, to the sounds of your heels clicking against the marble floors of City Hall. The actual ceremony at City Hall, you’d both decided, would be family only. 

Since you weren’t making a huge deal of it, you viewed this part as necessary paperwork, while the party itself could function as the ceremony and reception. But as soon as you see the look on your parents’ faces, you know this is more than just a few signed papers. You watch as their faces change, from impatient, waiting, eager, to in awe and emotional as you walk towards them. 

You hear Ava shout your name, immediately dropping her dad’s hand as she runs towards you. 

“Ava!!” you exclaim, bending down in your heels and white dress to scoop her up into a hug. You spin her around, just for a moment, before setting her back down on the floor. 

“You look like a princess,” she says, completely in awe, her eyes wide as she looks up at you. 

“You look like a princess, sweetie,” you reply, before giving her another hug. “And you know I can’t wait to hear your song, right?” 

“I picked the best one,” she grins, proudly. 

“I’m sure you did,” you reply confidently, with a playful wink. 

“Oh-ho! Pay up, Rick,” Sugar mutters smugly, to Richie, as Carmy busies himself with greeting both of your parents.

Richie groans, muttering something profane as he not-so-discreetly hands Nat a $20 bill, earning a quizzical look from both of your parents that travels from Carmy and then to you. 

“Sorry,” Richie apologizes, this time directing this one towards your parents as he holds up both hands, respectfully bowing his head. 

You send a playful glare Richie’s way, earning a sardonic laugh from Natalie, as you push right past him and over to your parents. 

“Oh sweetie,” your mom gasps, pulling you in for a tight squeeze. 

“Hi, Mom,” you grin, as you hug her. “Dad!”

“My God, honey, you look beautiful,” your dad says, as it’s his turn next. You hug your dad, exchanging a few words about the morning, asking how they slept, how the hotel is, as your mom and Carmy hug it out. 

This time, he turns his attention towards Carmy, so you release him, letting the two of them have their moment. 

Taking your chance, while your parents are otherwise distracted, you make your way over to where Sugar and Richie stand. 

“What? You guys were betting on whether or not we’d be late?” you ask Sugar, an eyebrow quirked in Richie’s direction. 

“Listen,” Sugar sighs, cupping your face in her hands, endearingly. “You and Carm are nothing if not consistent.” You exchange a laugh with your almost-sister-in-law because you know she’s right. “And for the record, I bet that you’d be-.”

“Just in time!” the judge says, as he approaches the six of you, slipping his judge robe over his shoulders, black leather fold pressed against his chest. “You guys ready to get started?”

Carmy looks over at you, as if he’s waiting for you to take the lead here, and you nod, before the both of you turn back to the judge. 

“Yes.” 

“Great,” he smiles, clapping his hands together once. “Then let’s get you two married!”

"sooner or later, you'll find yourself right where you were, on the corner went looking for her, she had somethin' to tell you, she can't quite remember, but wait for a second, it always comes back to her, you always come back to her." -- the japanese house, 'morning pages'

And after dotting all appropriate i’s and crossing all necessary t’s, with one signed marriage license later, you, Carmy, your parents, Richie and Ava, Sugar, and Judge Thompson find yourself on the green roof of City Hall. 

Carmy stands across you, his hands in yours, offering you a lifetime with one look from the most expressive blue orbs you’ve ever found yourself in. 

“If you’d like to say something, if you prepared any vows… now would be the time,” Judge Thompson says, offering you and Carmy both the space to do so. 

“Oh I think we-,” you begin, ready to decline the opportunity since you figured you’d save it for the reception. 

“Actually uh, yeah. Can we?” Carmen interjects, sending you a look of reassurance. 

“Of course,” Judge Thompson nods, giving you and Carmy the floor. 

“Carm, I didn’t prepare anything for-,” you begin, but he’s quick to put your mind and heart at ease and he interjects with:

“It’s okay. I did.”

“Oh.”

You hadn’t expected this, since you both agreed you’d save any kind of speeches that may or may not happen today during the reception. But as Carmy’s palms grow clammier, a nervous look in his eyes as he searches for the words he’s practiced over the last few days, it becomes clear that he’s been planning this. 

“As you know… I’m not always great with words,” he begins, almost apologetically, letting out a small laugh as he looks to Richie for reassurance. In turn, Richie gives Carmy a sympathetic nod, and you’re practically melting over the fact that he probably asked Richie for help with this. 

Let it rip.

 “I just uh-,” Carmy stammers, because he really, really wants to get this right. “Well, I’ll keep it brief.” He takes a breath, letting all of his nerves out on the exhale before beginning again. 

Let it rip, buddy.

“I have loved you for so long – I think maybe since the day you brought me soup after I uh… you know, spilled my drink on you,” he states, earning the sweetest laugh from you, your friends, and family that came to witness. 

“-- so I promise to love you for even longer, for forever. You changed my life.”

You exhale, trying your best not to cry right here and now, thankful for the mysterious powers of waterproof mascara. 

“Jeez, no pressure,” you joke, dryly, before taking another breath, this time approaching your words with much more seriousness.

“Carmen. I’m so happy… that I changed your life,” you begin, cheekily, earning a laugh from your witnesses once more. “Because you changed mine. And I promise to love you forever.” 

‘I love you,’ Carmy mouths to you, before nodding towards the judge to signal that you’re both done with your vows. 

“Alright then,” Judge Thompson smiles, looking from you and then to Carmen, before uttering the question that will change the course of your life forever. 

“I do,” Carmy replies, his voice even, sure, ready. 

Natalie steps up this time, handing Carmy your ring, and you watch, teary eyed and full hearted as he slides it onto your left ring finger. 

“And do you take Carmen Anthony Berzatto to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Judge Thompson repeats the question, this time for you to answer. 

“Yeah, why the hell not?” you reply, earning a groan from your mother and a playful chuckle from your father. 

“Yes. I do.” 

At Richie’s encouragement, it’s Ava this time who steps up, handing you Carmy’s ring, with the sweetest most excited smile on her face as she looks from you to Carmy. You thank her, before returning your attention to Carmy once more. His eyes search your face, and there’s something so soft, so genuine in them that you think you’re going to cry as you help him put on his new piece of jewelry as well. 

“Then by the power vested in me by the State of Illinois, I now pronounce you, husband and wife,” Judge Thompson concludes, contently.

“Should we-, do we kiss?” Carmy asks, looking from you to Judge Thompson. 

“I’m just a civil servant but you may, yes,” he answers lightheartedly. 

“Let’s go for it,” you shrug, taking a step towards Carmy. 

Instead of answering, he smiles, stepping towards you before planting one on you in front of your friends and family that were invited to this brief ceremony. 

While Sugar claps gleefully, Richie claps along muttering a ‘get a room,’ while you remind Carmy to keep it PG enough for your parents. You giggle, slowly pulling away from the kiss that begins the rest of your life with the man that you love. 

“We did it, baby. We’re married,” you chuckle, in disbelief. 

“Finally,” Carmy sighs, and you can see his smile from his lips to the crinkles in the corners of his eyes. 

It doesn’t take long for your mom to usher both you and Carmy over to a spot in the garden she thinks will be best for pictures, just as the photographer arrives. She wasn’t wrong when she insisted you hire one, that you’d want to remember this day for the rest of your life. The photographer, who is incredibly talented, gets the shots needed up here in the garden, then downstairs, and outside, before you’re all off to Sugar’s place for the reception. 

As you and Carmy sit in the car, having taken a separate one than your parents, you’re giddy with anticipation. 

It’s all so surreal. 

Never in his life did Carmy picture it ever getting this good, but as he looks over at you, your head resting on his shoulder, he presses a kiss to the top of your head, smiling to himself. 

“We did it, sweet girl. We’re married,” he says, repeating your words from earlier. 

“Yeah,” you grin, lifting your head off of his shoulder. 

“We are, Bear.”

"give your heart and soul to me, and life will always be la vie en rose."

“No, Sugar! That’s not supposed to go out yet. Everything’s goin’ out family style. Let’s just take out the apps for-,” Carmy exclaims, stressed over the execution of your wedding reception-slash-brunch, because he just can’t help himself. 

“Fuckin’ Christ, Bear!” she snaps at her brother. “Will you calm down and let us handle this?” 

“I just want everything to-,” Carmy begins, his face blushing a shade darker. 

“To go right. We know. And we know we’re just taking out apps, alright? Everyone else is outside, and everyone’s having a good time so just… relax,” she suggests, her tone serious because she’s just about to kick Carmy out of the kitchen. 

Carmy shifts nervously, hyper-fixating on the happenings of the kitchen, his eyes tracking the movements of one of his caterer, Derek’s, sous chefs. It’s almost as if he needs to give himself a distraction as he asks, blankly:

“Do you uh… you think Mom is actually gonna show?”

Sugar pauses, the question throwing her. 

“I… I don’t know. I called her yesterday. She never picked up. What do you think?” she replies, her voice quiet. 

With your encouragement, you and Carmy had sent his mother an invitation to the brunch, only it’s been Sugar who’s followed up with her. 

“We did what we needed to and if she doesn’t come, then she doesn’t come. I’m not pushin’ it,” Carmy had explained, justifying his actions, or rather, lack there of, to you. 

She’s doubtful, but Nat can’t help the tiny glimmer of hope she has in her heart that Donna might show, even if she knows it’s unrealistic. In fact, her mom had barely been interested in stopping by as of late, ever since she’d told the Berzatto matriarch that she was pregnant. She keeps telling herself that it doesn’t matter – that it’s probably better if Donna doesn’t show – but it doesn’t help ease the disappointment she feels about the situation as a whole. 

“Doubt it, honestly. Never even got an RSVP so,” Carmy shrugs, his eyes following one of the caterers as the woman plates a few Hors d'oeuvres on a large serving platter. 

Before Sugar can say anything else about their mom, Carmy’s impulse takes over as he opens his mouth to give feedback to one of Derek’s assistants. 

“Carmy!” she snaps, blocking his pathway with her body, before repeating one more time:

“Let. Us. Handle this.”

“I mean, are any of us actually surprised, Nat?” Sydney adds, as soon as she enters the kitchen from where she’s been outside in the backyard, in search of another plate to bring out. “He’s a control freak! We know this!”

“I-,” Carmy starts, knowing it’s no use protesting, as both Sugar and Syd begin guiding him out of the kitchen and into the living room. 

“C’mon, Carm. Why don’t you go see what your wife is up to?” Sydney suggests, emphasizing your new title, earning a snicker from Natalie. 

“Who’s wife? This wife?” you ask, as soon as your feet hit the bottom of the staircase. 

“Woah,” is all Carmy says. He can’t help but stare, gawking at you in your new dress. 

You’ve changed out of your near-floor length wedding dress into a sleeveless white blazer dress that’s much more friendly to hanging out with your friends and family outside, kept your hair the same, and put on one of those super stay red lipsticks that you’re eager to put through its paces. 

It’s as if time stops when he sees you, and Sugar and Syd both notice, using this time to retreat back to their duties. The only thing that can break his focus right now is the way that you let a carefree laugh fly from your lips, as soon as you see that Natalie’s using the future baby’s baby gate that Nat must’ve purchased early, to officially block Carmy from coming back to the kitchen. 

“What?” Carmy asks, only to be met with a gesture towards what Natalie is doing. 

He frowns, immediately seeing the baby gate his sister has put up. 

“You know, I’m not a baby,” he pouts at his sister. 

“Then stop acting like one!” she parries right back, before disappearing into the kitchen to help out your caterer. 

Quick to console your husband, you wrap your arms around your neck, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. 

“They’re only trying to make sure we have a good time, Bear,” you offer, sympathetically, only to be met with a heavy sigh because you know it feels near-impossible for him not to be in the kitchen. 

“You trust Derek right?” you ask this time, referring to the caterer that Carmy hand-picked for your wedding. 

“Yeah,” he nods. 

“Okay. Then let’s go out there. Make our grand entrance,” you suggest, a playful smile on your lips. 

“Yeah,” Carmy nods again, this time a little more sure about taking a step away from what’s happening inside the kitchen. You take his hand, leading him towards the back door that opens up to the backyard. 

You’re truly amazed at what everyone involved has been able to do this morning, while you and Carmy were off at the courthouse getting married. Long tables pushed together and covered with tablecloths function as the main attraction of the you-and-Carmy-wedding-reception-brunch, filled with ceramic plates, printed menus, apps on serving platters, taper candles and flowers in all kinds of little to big vases. 

The minute the two of you enter the backyard area that’s been transformed into a wedding venue, you’re met with cheers, ooo’s and aaaaah’s, claps, and congratulations by your friends and family. 

“Sugar really knocked this out of the park,” Carmy says, in awe as he takes in the scene. “Okay, fine. I’ll just have to trust, I guess.”

You nod, happy to hear the confidence in his voice as you agree, “That’s my guy!”

There’s a banner that hangs across a much smaller table, the one that holds the stunning wedding cake Marcus has made for you that reads, Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Berzatto.

“See? I told you I couldn’t wait to be Mrs. Berzatto,” you joke with Carmy, as the two of you walk hand in hand towards the table. 

“I think I like the sound of that more than I should,” Carmy smirks, a glimmer in his eyes that says ‘I can’t wait to get you alone.’

“Can’t wait for you to show me later,” you wink, referring to the long weekend you plan on spending with Carmy as a pre-honeymoon. “C’mon. We should probably go say hello.” 

“So… you two married now or what?” Marcus asks, as soon as the two of you approach the table. 

You hold up your left hand, showing off your new ring, earning grins and more cheers from your friends and family. 

“That’s what I’m talking about!” he celebrates, while Tina simultaneously and enthusiastically cries out: “Congratulations, babies!”

The plan is to divine and conquer. While you chat with Gary, Carmy lets himself become enveloped in Tina’s arms and praise, as the two of you make your way down the table saying hello to your guests: your parents, Marcus, Tina, Ebra, Fak, Gary, a few others from the restaurant, while. 

Carmy’s glad you decided to keep this wedding small: close friends and family only, because he’s not sure he could’ve done any more of this. It’s just close friends from the restaurant and your parents. You’d even decided earlier that this weekend would be chill enough that you’d celebrate with Maya and Liz a few months later when you and Carmy stop in New York before the official honeymoon, planning another celebration with your New York people for later. 

Besides, you don’t mind celebrating you and Carmy a few more times, after all. 

Finally, you’re both able to settle into the empty chairs seated right next to your parents in the middle of the table labeled ‘bride’ and ‘groom.’ It’s a Saturday well spent, being celebrated by some of your favorite people in the world on a day you made a promise to your favorite person in the world. It doesn’t take long for everyone in the kitchen to join you at the table: Sugar, Richie, Sydney, and Pete, and once the meal is served, family style, you’re pulling up chairs and insisting that Derek and his team join you as well. 

The menu is perfect, and you can see why Carmy’s been trying to get this guy to come work for him for so long. Next to Carmy’s, this carbonara might be your second favorite carbonara on the planet. After all the eating, drinking, and merry-making, it’s Richie who steps up to start the speeches, gently tapping a butter knife against a champagne glass as he stands at the table. 

“Can I get everyone’s attention?” he asks, his voice loud. Richie raises his champagne glass as he begins his speech with:

“Now as the best man and this Bobby Flay-motherfucker's cousin, I think I earn the right to kick this thing off, eh?” earning a laugh from everyone around the table. 

“To Carmy and his much, much better half,” he continues, earning a laugh from everyone around the table. Your mom squeezes your hand under the table, and out of the corner of your eye you can see Sydney nudging Carmy softly as Richie addresses you. 

“You once made me $150 richer.” You laugh, exchanging a look with your now-husband, as you fondly remember the day you returned to Chicago, only to learn that the entire restaurant staff of The Bear had been betting, not on if, but on when you’d return.

“You see, we all took bets – all of us – that you were comin’ back after that first week you spent here in Chicago, and you know why? I think it was obvious to any jagoff with a pair of eyes that what you and Cousin had was something special – something not to be missed, or overlooked, or skipped over. And thank God you two idiots woke up and figured it out yourselves. You did good, cousin. And I know your brother would’ve wanted to be here for this. I love you, man. I love you both.”

“To this very special day, and to the rest of your lives. Cheers.”

“Cheers!” everyone repeats, raising their glasses, clinking in celebration. 

The upside to having a small wedding party is having a small wedding party, and the downside is that everyone who feels the need to get in a word does so. While Ebraheim waxes on about love as a metaphor, Marcus keeps his toast short, leading to the cutting of your wedding cake:

Vanilla bean cake, with a clementine curd, a swiss meringue buttercream, decorated with delicate flowers, citrus, and dollops of curd to finish. 

Richie slips out with Pete momentarily, earning a few quizzical looks from both Carmy and Nat as she gets up from the table to make sure they’re not trading punches in the driveway. It’s not till Richie returns with Pete, carrying a rented little karaoke machine for Ava. Hand in hand, you watch as Natalie guides Ava up and out of her chair, and over to the head of the table, handing her the microphone. 

“You ready, sweetheart?” she asks, earning a confident nod from Ava. 

The beginning of the famous Taylor Swift begins to play, and you and Carmy exchange a knowing look as she begins to sing along. 

“we were both young when i first saw you i close my eyes and the flashback starts i'm standin' there on a balcony in summer air.”

As Natalie and Pete watch on, Pete hugs his wife close to her, tears in his eyes as he whispers: 

“This is going to be us very, very soon.” 

“Yeah,” Nat nods, holding back her own tears as she notices how proud Richie looks, and how happy Ava seems to be. 

It’s not that she wants Donna here. Realistically, she knows that it would be a nightmare, most likely descending into drama and chaos from the minute she walked in, but she can’t believe that her own mother didn’t come to her son’s wedding. She shouldn’t be surprised, but it hurts more than she imagined, doing this, watching Carmy get married, having this baby with Pete, all without her. 

Ava finishes her Taylor Swing song to a resounding and enthusiastic round of applause. Marcus cheers her on while you and Carmy share a soft, chaste kiss, welcoming Ava with open arms as she runs towards you. 

“That was so good, baby,” Richie exclaims, when it’s his turn to scoop Ava up into his arms as you get out of your seat. Allowing Richie to sit next to Carmy while the two gush over her performance, you get up, eager to help put the karaoke machine away. 

As she watches, Nat reminds herself that this is what family looks like – this is the family she wants for her baby – even if it means something, someones, are missing.

And it’s as if she can’t hold back her tears anymore, excusing herself as she jerks her body away from Pete’s grasp, hurrying back inside so as not to cause a scene. 

“What just-?” Pete begins. 

“I’ll go,” you assure him, having witnessed the whole interaction. “I-, it’s not you, Pete. I’ll go.”

It doesn’t take you long to find Nat, though she’s not where you expected her to be, having run all the way upstairs when you find her sitting on the floor of the baby’s nursery – one you helped paint and get ready over a month ago. 

“Hey, everything alright?” you ask, as you gently push the door open. 

“Yeah, no, I’m fine,” she sniffles, wiping tears out of her eyes as she realizes she’s no longer alone. 

“Nat, what… what’s going on?” you ask her, joining her on the floor. 

But it seems as if your question only makes it worse as her face crumbles once more, beginning to cry. 

“Oh no! I-, Nat, sweetie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it even worse.”

“No, no, you didn’t. It’s just these… stupid pregnancy hormones!” she exclaims, frustratedly, earning a small laugh from the both of you. 

She takes a beat, and then a breath, and then finally, she feels ready to tell you. 

“It’s Mom,” she admits, even though she really doesn’t want it to be. “I just can’t believe she didn’t show. It’s stupid, I know.” 

You nod in understanding, before scooting a little closer to her, “It’s not stupid! And I’m sorry. For the both of you, really. Carmy doesn’t want to talk about it but, I know he’s some combination of relieved and disappointed too.” 

Sugar sighs, “Yeah that uh, that sums it up pretty well. About anything involving Mom these days.” 

Nat takes another breath, and another beat, because she knows she’s safe to share this with you. 

“I just… I’ve just been thinking a lot… with the baby and everything. About family. About motherhood. I mean, your parents are so great and I-. I’m just sad for us, you know?”

“I’m sad for you too,” you empathize, rubbing soothing circles on her back, before leaning back on both of your hands instead. 

“God, I’m so sorry. It’s your wedding day and I’m causing all the drama,” Nat begins to apologize. 

“Oh, you have nothing to be sorry for!” you interrupt her, quick to dismiss any notion of that. “You lent us your house and put together all of this in your backyard on top of accompanying us to the courthouse! You have nothing to apologize for.”

Sugar nods slowly, processing what you’ve just said, realizing that you and Pete have been such big role models of unconditional love for her. 

“Wanna know what I think?” you ask, your voice a little more optimistic this time. 

“What’s up?” she asks back, stealing a glance your way. 

“I think… that now that I’m a Berzatto… and with your little Bear on the way,” you begin, painting her the picture. “We’ve got a whole new chance to write a new chapter for the Berzattos.” 

She looks your way once more, because these are the words she didn’t know she needed to hear. 

“And with that… we can make this… make our families anything we want them to be filled with love, and joy, and-, well, only a little drama because you know, you guys are… you. But… Sug. This can all start with us, you know?”

“You really think so?” she asks you, a hopeful look in her eyes. 

“Yeah,” you answer, confidently. 

She nods slowly once more, almost as if she’s letting herself believe them. 

“Thank you. For checking in on me. For… this,” she says softly, sniffling again. 

“That’s what sisters are for,” you repeat her words back to her, one’s that she’s said to you time and time again. 

“We should probably get back out there,” Sugar suggests, sitting up a little taller this time. 

“Yeeeaaaaahhhhh,” you sigh, disappointedly, this time making a joke as you continue with: “We don’t want to start any rumors about us running away together. 

Nat snorts with laughter, thanking you for always making her laugh, as you stand up, making your way to your feet. You hold out your hands, helping Nat up to hers this time, before the two of you head back downstairs. 

“Hey,” Carmy says, as soon as he sees the two of you. “Pete said you disappeared.”

“We were just talking about some stuff,” you reply, sharing a look with Sugar before releasing her hand. 

“I’ll leave the two of you to it,” she says, before slipping out through the back door. 

“Everything okay?” Carmy asks, his brow knitted together in concern. 

You nod, “Yeah, she’s alright. How’re you doing?”

“Today? I’m the luckiest man in the world,” he replies, a smile on his lips that makes you melt. 

“Damn right you are,” you reply, pressing your lips against his. 

It’s a private moment for just you two, where you can kiss him like you want to, and you have to admit that the lipstick holds up. Wrapping your arms around his neck as his hands go to your waist, you propose a grand idea to your husband:

“Now that cake has been cut… what do you say… we spend a little more time with our guests, say our goodbyes… then we get our honeymoon started early? Think uh… our room at the Langham should be ready by now.”

“Thought we already did that this morning,” Carmy smirks, kissing you again. 

You giggle, leaning your forehead against his, “You know what I mean, jerk.” 

Carmy scoffs, shaking his head incredulously as he feigns hurt, “Married for a few hours and you’re already insulting me.” Instead of adding anything else, he simply pulls you in closer by your hips murmuring against your lips:

“Alright then, Mrs. Berzatto. Then let’s go say goodbye to our guests.”

“it's a love story, baby, just say, "yes" – taylor swift, ‘love story’

[sincerelylea]

2:17 am. angel dust. when you wipe your tears do you wipe them just for me?

bff angel series.

mdni i block.

you hadn’t really been keeping up with what time it might be, it sort of felt like hours, sort of felt like minutes. you couldn’t really determine the way time felt, but it never really mattered here. here was timeless, and you’d forget about it too. until the next time you could do this. 

it was always pink in his room. pink and purpley. and music was always going - soft music. the kind he really only liked to listen to with his closest of friends- “sad girl pop!” you smiled to him, eyes softly wrinkled as you looked up. “sad girl pop? what the fuck are you talkin’ about?” he crosses his second set of arms, the ones closest to his waist, and the other are set firmly at his hips. “this genre… it’s kinda… sad? nostalgic? but it has a sweet beat. it just… reminds me of being a girl.” you shrug. to you it was easy. his brow softly furrows, but he has nothing else to say. you were just you. he wouldn’t understand it but he’d always like you. 

“-wipe them just for me.” you sing softly, back pressed to his plushy mattress and blankets. gently your eyes close. the scent of nail polish has been in the air for about 15 minutes as he coats his nails for the second time. when you roll to your side, eyes opening and focusing on his hunched frame, his gaze focused keenly on his task at hand, you smile gingerly. “need some help? you have a lot of ground to cover.” you motion with your head to his second set of hands, his thumb swipes into his cuticle where he’s overpainted. 

he doesn’t lift his gaze, and takes a second to respond. “i can do them on my own just fine, babes! don’t you worry.” he says matter of factly, always so determined - brow furrowed and corners of his mouth set with pride. 

you chuckle, pushing your weight up to scoot closer to him. “silly, let me help you.” you grab the red shade from his bag of polishes, shaking and tapping it against your palms to ensure it’s thoroughly mixed before starting. he rolls his eyes and smacks his lips quietly before dramatically shoving his hand to you, wrists bent and fingers splayed. you guide his palm to rest on your knee before unscrewing the cap and hunching over to focus deeply on your work. 

“val wanted red right?” you ask once more, head snapping up to meet his gaze before truly starting. angel nods, gently dabbing his cuticle with his opposite ring finger to ensure his linework was nice, “yeah, he wanted black and red. has a thing for that whole dominatrix thing right now?” he rolls his eyes and shrugs, defeated. “isn’t this your like…” you swipe your first streak of blood red only his thumb, a soft uncomfort already growing in your back from your position. “third dominatrix phase with him? or something?” the song changes and you softly hum to it’s intro. 

“try more like twenty-third, sugar. it’s old but-” he sighs, lifting both hands out wide to admire his handy work, his nails a glossy rich black. “it is kinda fun!” his voice has a oscillating playfulness to it - swinging and dancing tone, as angel’s typical. “i gotta say, i get the appeal of being a sexy powerful woman.” he smirks, leaning back into his palms as his other stays diligently on your knee. you chuckle quietly, moving onto his middle finger. 

“speaking of val, how’s it been with him lately?” you ponder, your fingers pushing a stray hair past your ear to keep it out of the polish painted daintily on your friend’s fingertips. 

angel’s head lulls back, face to the ceiling as he sighs in thought. “you know how it typically is. he’s a pain in my fuckin’ ass. something new every day, he’s never pleased, and he won’t leave me the fuck alone when i’m here.” he softly blows on his nails, checking to make sure no errors have disrupted his pant job. “needy fuckin bastard.” he scowls, eyes rolling. 

“let’s just kill him.” it was hard not to fight the smile daring to stretch across your face. when you finish with his hand he lifts his palm from your knee and sets the other on your other knee, lifting his eyes to look over the new wash of red. his eyes don’t change, his gaze doesn’t falter. he just looks over them like… they’re there. 

“oh yeah, sure. let’s just waltz in and kill my boss. perfect. easy.” he grins, leaning back into his palms. you gently flick his wrist with your forefinger before continuing your task at hand. 

it’s quiet now. just the soft sound of similar soft pop tunes playing from his stereo across the room, a few open cd cases open on the floor, the next cd resting on the top of his pink speaker. when the silence truly takes over, he’ll waltz over and pop it in. a few snacks lay open on his bed, you eye the gummy worms and make an executive decision to take a few when you’re done. a purple ashtray sits on the ledge of the cracked window. it’s a chilly night, his curtains sway a bit with every breeze. fat nuggets snuggled on one of your cardigans you pulled from your overnight bag, little hooves sprawled as he dozes. 

for a moment, in your focus, you almost forget he’s there. the silence isn’t awkward - it feels really good. safe. 

your lips part before you speak, thinking for a second about what you’re about to say but you decide to say it without thinking a moment more. 

“you make me feel happy to be a girl.” you finish his pinky, raising your posture to stretch your back before turning to his first hand that has returned to your knee. “like… safe.” you explain further. 

and of course, you’re full of these sappy sentimental phrases he never knows what to say back to. you’ve been this way your entire friendship. you always keep him on his toes, saying this type of shit. and you know he’ll never know what to say but you also know he understands.

“there you go saying that sentimental shit- you know i never know what to say back!” he points an accusatory finger at you, all worked up because he can’t think of anything to say back, he never does. and you’re the one person that can keep him on his toes. the last person that deserved to be here, and full of so much genuinity he doesn’t know what to do with it. 

you chuckle, all wrinkly smiled and cute crescent eyes as you begin with his second coat on his first hand. sometimes you wondered if he felt the same way with you, safe. you assumed so, and for a second you think it silly to doubt your friendship like that. but you can’t help but wonder. you always tried to be a good friend, a safe space, for nights like these and drunken nights at bars and gossip-filled text messages and phonecalls spent crying in the shower while the phone rested on the sink. if it just meant to have someone there. 

“you don’t have to say anything, silly. i just like to keep you on edge.” it’s followed by a short maniacal chuckle, you’re now on his middle finger again. 

“well,” he sounds frustrated. like he’s trying to work out his own emotions in his head but can’t quite get them out to match how fast he wanted to speak and vomit them out. you deserved something genuine, but he couldn’t quite decide if that’s who he was anymore. “i’m glad you feel safe with me.” he finishes, kind of prissy and stunted. his first set of arms crossed over his chest. 

you smile gently. of course he sees it. 

when you’re finished with his nails, leaving him to be patient as they dry, the cd ends and he rises from the bed, adjusting his cropped tank top with newly painted nails. the new album is from the same artist, your head bops along to her soft voice. you steal the gummy worms. 

when you both grow tired, and not many more words are being shared between you. you lay across from him in his bed and bring your knees closer up to you, face buried in your phone until you yawn. fat nuggets has settled on the pillows above your heads, softly breathing. music still played quietly from the speakers, you’d both wake up to the silence of the end of the album. 

“what color would you paint them if you had the choice?” you asked softly, plugging in your phone and leaving it under your pillow. 

he looks to you from the side, laying on his back. he rolls over, his phone plopped in his arms as he curls them under his head, eyes focused and brow pointed in thought. 

“pink.” his tired voice rings. tired eyes getting droopy. 

“i’d paint them pink.” 

he felt safe. you weren’t sure why you doubted that before.

[popentertainmentconcertreviews]

Ricky Montgomery – Jannus Live – St. Petersburg, FL – October 26, 2024

Ricky Montgomery made his return to Florida, continuing his electric “One Rick to Rule Them All” Tour at the wonderful outdoor venue Jannus Live in St. Pete. Florida fans were thrilled for such a special night of live music. Judging by the long and energetic line to get into the show, I knew I was in for such a spectacular show. Eager to sing the night away, fans filled up Jannus Live for Montgomery’s arrival. While enjoying a cool fall night in Florida, fans laughed and smiled amongst each other waiting for this wonderful night to begin.

This special Saturday night was heating up as Ricky took the stage. Opening his set with “A Line Without a Hook,” a song from his first album Montgomery Ricky, he instantly captivated the crowd. At one point, coming into the crowd jumping on the barricade, he got up close and personal with his fans. Smiling from ear to ear they all danced and sang until they couldn’t anymore. The fans went wild and sang their hearts out, especially to Ricky’s hits like “My Heart Is Buried In Venice,” “Snow,” and “Mr. Loverman.”

With just Ricky himself appearing on stage at the beginning, he eventually unveiled his amazing band, sharing the stage together. His presence onstage was electrifying and magnetic. There wasn’t a quiet moment from the second he came out on stage until the close of the show. So many people gravitate towards his music, leaving the show in complete awe and on a high.

Talking to many fans before the show, they told me just how amazing Ricky was live. A few fans told me they have been to seven to eight shows this tour alone. That truly shows just how dedicated his fans are. Ricky is a natural superstar, his wonderful stage presence captivating the crowd and showing you just how much he loves doing this. There’s no doubt that Ricky’s fans are the best out there. Singing every song word for word, they passionately sang and danced the night away. I am very thrilled to see how he continues to grow as an artist, as well as watching his fanbase continue to grow.

Ricky himself attracts many humans who love life and good music. He brought an energy that was so vibrant and full of life, while also creating a safe space where everyone could laugh, cry, sing, and be whoever they wanted to be at that moment. Based on my first impression, this tour is not one you want to miss. With only three shows left in his tour across North America, he continues to make his shows a night people will never forget. If you can catch him at a show, I highly recommend it. Make sure to give him a follow on all social media platforms @rickymontgomery and give his discography a listen. I promise you won’t regret it!

Hayley Mathis

Copyright ©2024 PopEntertainment.com. All rights reserved. Posted: October 27, 2024.

Photos by Hayley Mathis © 2024. All rights reserved.

[internet-girl-friend]

Sega Saga

7:49am - Sep 28

I truly do not have a minute to spare, but now that I have started blogging I can't stop. Something about living alone maybe. Anyway, today is moving day. I must transfer my entire life from the West End to East Van and make it to Fortune for Sega Bodega at 10pm. Wish me and my extremely generous friends luck.

October 2 aside

Okay, so I have not had wifi at my apartment (I still don't; I am, once again, writing this from my day job) and have not had the chance to write the rest of this post until now -- so so sorry to all five of you.

Back to September 28

After spending the entire day moving and cleaning my old apartment I was finally ready to take a few hours to get hot for the show. I showered, conceptualized fits, responded to all my ignored texts, and started my makeup when a text from Allison arrived.

"The show is at 7." It was 7:15.

We thought the show was at 10, but TicketWeb even sent a reminder email that it was an early one. FUCK. At least this time we weren't committing our typical faux pas of arriving much too early.

I threw on my uniform (black skirt, tights, plain black top, leather jacket) and left for the show with wet hair. My fit was so boring and my hair was such a mess that I had no choice but to wear my tits as accessories.

I was so frantic, you'll never guess what I forgot. My fucking camera. So all the pictures you'll see were taken by me on Allison's camera or by Allison herself.

We got there in time to see a couple songs from the opener, Lexc Stacy, and he was really sick but much higher energy than Sega Bodega, so I was thrown off by the choice. I find that electronic(-leaning) shows in Canada prioritize both sets being independently Cool over developing and maintaining energy in the room like they do in The Netherlands (where I lived (and partied) briefly). I like to think of building a setlist for electronic shows as curating vibes or like, interior designing more than it is about showcasing how fire the contents of your USB are -- but what do I know? I don't DJ, I just fuck 'em.

I saw a weird number of people I know at the show (as a transplant, this doesn't happen to me often) and the audience was COOL AND HOT AND SEXY and age appropriate. Needless to say I felt way more aligned with the audience at this show than I have at the last couple (haha). Everyone was vaguely alien-looking.

Sega Bodega's set had markedly bad sound issues and I really felt for him. Having the audio fuck up for a show where the vocals are so delicate and the production is so aggressive is detrimental. But I was thrilled regardless. People had great concert etiquette and seemed to really be there For The Music.

There was a really touching moment where Sega introduced Um Um (a heartfelt song about SOPHIE) and everyone fell silent except to sing along and no one took their phones out despite it being an obvious fan favourite. There are few moments at shows I feel I could cry (and have cried) during but hearing this live was one of them.

My brother described Sega Bodega in San Francisco as "a ghostly illusion," and I agree. There was so much fog that I kept losing track of where he was on stage but the effect was fitting, him seemingly materializing in new locations. But also, literally not a single photo I took worked out (which is slightly unsurprising given that I am used to using my own camera and don't really know how Allison's works).

The light show was magnificent and fit each song perfectly. At one point he mixed clips of SOPHIE's "It's Okay To Cry" and the lights flashed manically between red and white and the crowd warmed up and danced tons. By the time his set was done everyone wanted more.

Allison said the concert was bad and while I enjoyed it, I can understand why she thinks so. If I weren't as big a fan as I am I'd likely have been underwhelmed to no fault of Sega Bodega. My one wish is that I'd been in the pit.

He played no encore, but we collectively begged. The sound guy didn't turn the house music on or the house lights up quickly enough and it felt like an evil tease. If the audio guy was a house tech I hope that it was just an off night, otherwise, I hope he has good transferrable skills...

Allison and I met a really cool woman out front of Fortune who had friends who helped organize the following show, SadBoi. The Cool Girl mentioned that there was another party at Red Gate happening later. Had I not been exhausted and feeling ugly and mildly grumpy I'd have let the night take its course -- fun exists here if you chase it and have the chance to do your hair beforehand.

Cost Breakdown

One tall can @ Fortune: $12.00

Frantic Uber ride: $8.00

Ticket: $20.00

Total cost: $40.00

1 note = 1 prayer that I make rent next month <3

[thenighthouse]

Aftersun (2022) and grieving what's still there

I'd been saving (read: avoiding) Aftersun because I knew it would make me cry a lot. I knew it portrayed a father/daughter relationship, and that's also a theme that leaves me in shambles. Yeah, no. Nope. I could never be prepared for the reality of what I experienced.

It feels disingenuous to write about something I don't even want to call a movie. Aftersun was like a memory to me — the kind that isn't mine, but one that I lived through in other ways, other places, with someone else. It was the most heartwrenching, painful, beautiful, spiritual experience I've had watching a movie.

Aftersun is perfect because, in its simplicity, the very subject of the film can either ride on or get lost in the viewer's experiences and sensitivities. As someone who's struggled with mental illness from a very young age, as well as been surrounded by people with the same struggles for that long as well, the way we slowly see more and more of Calum's depression was jarring.

The scene where Sophie speaks about being so sad after a good, fulfilling day was when I went "oh." I't such a relatable feeling, why does he seem so taken aback, so worried? So guilty? Oh.

And as we slowly see more of his disdain for himself (crossing the street without looking, standing on the railing), it hurts even more to see how present he is with Sophie. He lives for her! Why would he care about himself when he could dedicate himself to her? Granting her time in the sun, protection, food, live music, a carpet she'll get to keep forever. Why would he care?

I can't help but wonder if part of his hurt was due to how much she openly loved him. Sophie loved her father very loudly. When you loathe yourself, it's very hard to fathom why or how someone else would even look at you, much less like you... love you? That’s ridiculous.

"Happy birthday, Dad."

"Sing for my dad's birthday."

"It’s fine, Dad. No big deal."

The juxtaposition of all the strangers singing happy birthday to Calum (lead by Sophie) and Calum crying, retching alone in the hotel room was genuinely terrifying to me. The whole movie, actually, it's like I was there, a fly on the wall watching helplessly as Calum's pain ate him up from the inside out. Knowing Sophie would eventually be left with a gaping hole in the shape of her dancing, smiling father.

There's truly no words that could ever make this movie justice. I feel like I’m grieving.

The resentment in Adult Sophie’s eyes throughout all her scenes is fascinating because it’s also recognition. She’s sifting through her memories of her dad and picking up on things she now, unfortunately or not, understands. Stuff she feels as well.

I haven't spoken to my father for 6 years. He knows nothing about me, who I am, who I grew up to be. I had just turned 21. I hated him for a long, long time — long before we even cut ties. He made many bad choices, said many terrible things, hurt a lot of people.

I’m 27 now. I don’t know who he is anymore either. As I finished the movie, I felt at peace with him for the first time.

[womenareonline]

The 1975 still...at their very...

I was going to be on a low budget. I knew this when I bought the tickets. I knew maybe I would have to sell them. But I didn’t. I booked the low-cost plane train and hotels. 

And I am so glad I did. A day in Madrid and a day in Paris. 

I met some people in the line who were also alone. That’s the thing about seeing niche smallish artists. To quote Matty “They are the biggest band no one has ever heard of”. Every time someone asked me who I was seeing they were like: Who? It was so funny because the place was packed. 

I’m writing this as a journalistic chronicle which I low-key hate.

I wanted to talk about music, art, and live music. I wanted to talk about that feeling you get when you’re surrounded by people who are there for the same purpose. Because you all love the same music. All of us dress in black, Doctor Martens, converse, and vans. Rectangles everywhere.  This was my third time seeing The 1975 but my first time outside a festival and everyone is right. Their shows are insane. It’s not only the band's energy but everyone around you. All the people around you just get it. They understand all this music. We had this bond who just got this music and what it all meant.  

I’m sure you’ve seen online all the viral shit that goes on at shows. There is still a lot of uncertainty about what it all means. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that the show is a whole experience. The theater and movie themes. The media consumption themes. 

It's also of course about the music. The magnetic music. I don’t get it when people say it all sounds the same because you can have a punk rock song like People and then an acoustic almost country one like The Birthday Party (my favorite one). I could go on about the 1975 music production (thanks George Daniel). But hearing their music live is also a whole ocuurance. They don’t miss for a second, and they transmit this beautiful energy that just either gets you dancing or moves you. I used to hate TOOTIMETOOTIME but it’s truly such a fun experience live. Everyone just gets dancing and screaming the lyrics. And they make that, The 1975 does that.

If I have to note some of my favorite moments: 

- When Matty gets on the roof and sings probably one of the most heartbreaking songs ever “Me”. There is something very heartbreaking to hear him sing “Oh I was thinking about killing myself, don’t you mind?” On top of a roof where you can barely make up his face. I did cry the second night I saw them. 

- The 1975 are known for mixing up their setlist, it’s a surprise every time you see them. Hearing So Far It’s Alright (which for me is a masterpiece of songwriting from Matty) which I did not expect in Paris was truly a great experience. I also got a sneaky You and Chocolate in Madrid which also surprised me.  

- When I saw the Paris date I was like “They have to play Paris there", which is one of my favorite songs of all time. Of course, they did (tbh Matty Healy is such a troll that I wouldn’t put it past him to not include it). That was another moment I cried a bit because that was the moment I realized how worth it all was. I realize that getting on that flight, and spending my money on this when I’m struggling a bit, was so worth it. When my plane was moving a lot that day all I could think was “Oh my god, why am I doing this?” And at that moment I realized why. Because I wanted this experience. I wanted to listen to Paris in Paris, one of my favorite songs in one of my favorite cities. I booked the plane tickets and hotel after I saw a tweet one day that said: “Not once in my life did I regret spending money on an experience (a trip, concert, a nice dinner, etc.) be the money always comes back but this is what life is about”. I just realized at that moment why I was there. Why I spent my money on this for this exact moment.

- Before they played Paris (which is about drugs) Matty gave a very good speech about the trouble of drugs and letting us all know he has been clean from heroin for 5 years and the crowd cheered. The beautiful and overwhelming feeling when a few minutes later he sings “as the crowd cheers for an overdose”. That was a very heart-wrenching moment. We are all proud and happy for you, Matty

I get PCD (post-concert depression) but I get post-concert happiness. Where in those moments and a few days afterwards I get this feeling of happiness of being alive. Like I get to be alive at the time as all these performers. I get to do all this stuff and see all these beautiful shows and listen to this music live. I realize being alive it’s very much worth it because of all these feelings. I realize it’s fine to spend money on this thing when you are going to feel this joy and experience all these overwhelming beautiful feelings. So book the flight and get those concert tickets.

[rueistired]

Key character moments in Heartstopper Vol 1 by Alice Oseman

I hadn’t stumbled across Heartstopper (2016) by Alice Oseman before now, which is a crying shame really.

I will be covering three key moments within Volume 1 that drive home the text’s characterisation and themes in a clear and reader friendly way (with trigger warnings for more touchy subjects). Shai Rudin reminds us that Young Adult/Problem Literature has had a specific role since the post WWII era, which is “is to show young adults that they are not alone in dealing with such problems,” (3) and that is something I believe Heartstopper (Oseman, 2016) does extremely well.

Starting off in section 1-9 (page 70) Ben asks Charlie to meet him in the music block after rugby practice. The following scene depicts Ben continuously ignoring Charlie’s autonomy and when he wasn’t getting his way proceeds to assault Charlie by forcibly kissing him. This encounter shows a serious problem/conflict that Charlie is dealing with, one that many people of all genders/sexual identities deal with daily, making the character more relatable for readers. It also plays a role in forging Charlie’s bond with Nick, who saves him from Ben’s assault, into something stronger.

The second key moment begins in 2-11 (177) and continues into 2-12, is during movie night. Nick has been catching feels, but this is the moment where he consciously realises it. He thinks about holding hands, kissing, with Charlie as the other boy snoozes beside him. He begins going through gay/bi panic and begins truly questioning his sexuality.

The relatability and grounded nature of Heartstopper really sings in this section and despite having little to no dialogue, clearly depicts Nick’s conflict as he wrestles with his feelings. With nothing more poignant as when he googles ‘Am I gay?’ in 2-12 (190).

The final key moment is the complexity of the boy’s first kiss starting in 2-18 (240). Charlie’s risky flirtation that leads up to it builds tension beautifully and their first kiss feels earned after months of dancing around each other. And then that moment ends, the awkwardness of it all surges back and Nick’s continued uncertainty pushes him to leave when called by another friend. Leaving Charlie alone and clearly feeling vulnerable which is shown excellently in the artwork and his final words of the chapter. “I’m sorry.” (263)

These three moments/scenes solidify the struggles each character is dealing with within the text and gives us a better understanding of who they are in context to the story being told and add more depth to the boys.  

References

Oseman, Alice. Heartstopper: Volume 1 (2019). Hodder Children's Books. London.

Rudin, Shai. ‘The Genre of the Middle Grade Graphic Problem Novel’ in New Review of Children's Literature & Librarianship (2022). Volume 28, Issue 1-2, pp. 86-105.

[inevitablemoment]

The Aquinnah Chronicles Playlist (so far-- will be updated)

i. a sorta fairytale (tori amos)

like a good book // i can't put this day back // a sorta fairytale with you

ii. the shoop shoop song [it's in his kiss] (linda ronstadt)*

does he love me? i wanna know // how can i tell if he loves me so?

iii. paper rings (taylor swift)

i like shiny things // but i'd marry you with paper rings

iv. dog days are over (florence + the machine)

happiness hit her like a train on a track // coming towards her, stuck still, no turning back

v. running up that hill [a deal with god] (kate bush)

if i only could // i'd make a deal with god // and get him to swap our places

vi. running up that hill [epic version] (samuel kim)

no lyrics

vii. romeo and juliet (dire straits)

the dice was loaded from the start // and i bet, when you exploded into my heart

viii. journey to the past (christy altomare)

heart, don't fail me now // courage, don't desert me // don't turn back now that we're here

ix. magic to do (patina miller, pippin 2013 revival cast)

journey, journey to a spot ex // 'citing, mystic and exotic // journey through our anecdote revue

x. corner of the sky (matthew james thomas)

so many men seem destined to settle for something small // but i won't rest until i know i'll have it all // so don't ask me where i'm going // just listen when i'm gone // and far away, you'll hear me singing softly to the dawn

xi. ocean away (barlow & bear, ft. darren criss)*

am i the one to blame // when we're dancing in the same room // but you're an ocean away

xii. shy (sarah jessica parker)

can't you guess // that this confident air // is a mask that i wear // 'cause i'm shy?

More under the cut

xiii. doll on a music box/truly scrumptious reprise (sally ann howes & dick van dyke)*

you cannot see // how much i long to be free // turning around on this music box // that's wound by a key

xiv. elaborate lives (adam pascal & heather headley)

we all live such elaborate lives // wild ambitions in our sights // how an affair of the heart survives // days apart and hurried nights

xv. feels like this (maisie peters)

uncover secrets // treasure hunting days away // stumbling on diamonds // i'm speechless and blown away

xvi. salvation (gabrielle aplin)

i never meant to fall for you // but i was buried underneath // and all that i could see was white

xvii. medicine (james arthur)

you're my bulletproof vest when it's getting dangerous // always make me feel blessed // you're my guardian angel

xviii. love alone (katelyn tarver)

it's on the line // i'm waiting for a sign // i see it in your eyes, i // i know you really feel the same

xix. another op'nin', another show (kiss me, kate 2019 cast)

another job that you hope, at last // will make your future forget your past // another pain where the ulcers grow

xx. shall we dance? (kelli o'hara & ken watanabe)

shall we dance? // on a bright cloud of music // shall we fly?

xxi. i'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair (kelli o'hara & ensemble)

don't try to patch it up // tear it up, tear it up // wash him out, dry him out // push him out, fly him out // cancel him and let him go

xxii. strangers like me (tammy tuckey)

i want to know // can you show me // i want to know about these strangers like me

xxiii. simple joys (patina miller)

sweet summer evenings // hot wine and bread // sharing your supper, sharing your bed // simple joys have a simple voice // that says "why not go ahead?"

xxiv. morning glow (matthew james thomas & ensemble)

morning glow all day long // while we sing tomorrow's song // never knew we could be so strong // but now it's very clear // morning glow is almost here

xxv. i won't say i'm in love (carrie hope fletcher)

if there's a prize for rotten judgement // i guess i've already won that // no man is worth the aggravation

xxvi. illicit affairs (taylor swift)

don't call me kid, don't call me baby // look at this godforsaken mess that you made me // you showed me colors you know I can't see // with anyone else

xxvii. you belong with me (taylor swift)

i remember you driving to my house // in the middle of the night // i'm the one who makes you laugh // when you know you're about to cry

*Version not available on Spotify

[hellogorey]

Something I've never talked about is my autism spectrum disorder -- I don't think I consider a consider a disorder but -- I have one.

I really never really realized it until it was assigned. I looked back historically: funny, sad, could have done differently. But who have of have of can't can't say that?

I have specific incidents. Very special memories in Catholic school, which is the perfect place for place for *spec* kids lol

Tip 1: Never send them to school where they where they don't know how to get to out of get clothing, pee themselves, and are punished by nuns. Or or anyone, for that matter.

Tip 2: Always pack your spep kid's lunch. Because a spec kid will pack a "four bump bottom" apple, eat the four bumps, and hope someone hates their hot lunch cake. I did this for a year.

Tip 3: Sometimes they need to wear headphones. Do not criticize their music. Do not criticize if they are badly singing to a song you hate. Sometimes dancing helps; again don't be a dick.

Tip 4: Clothes are what you and I have to wear every day. Don't comment on what a spec person wears. It's not nice. 9:10, they don't say anything about your drab clothing, so don't pick on them. Autistic people have possibly the most fun wardrobes and we have two choices: compliment them or leave them alone.

Tip 5: Relationships. I have a great time making them. Easy as heck. But as soon as I say "So I have autism spectrum." It's either a weird curiosity or "that's too hard." I respect that honesty. It is hard. Great things take work.

Tip 6: Self - I love myself. I don't want to be anyone other than myself. I wake up every day and look in the mirror and am truly grateful I am alive and given this experience. I am excited to know what is coming next. There are lows, and I have to be ready for them. I take care of Arabella, Emerson, myself. Stay humble. Realize what is bigger. Appreciate what is smaller constantly.

[tnlbarth-blog]

July 29 2023 - 5:50pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

Despite this past week being the deathiversary of my father I have actually been in a good mood. I know it sounds strange especially since I posted every day this week about him. You would think that maybe I would still be sad. But to be honest I think writing about it really helped. I am not saying I didn't mourn him at all because I did. I cried and everything. But I did that primarily while writing about him here.

This week I spent the time with myself. I did a lot of reflecting. On myself, my father, mother and my past in general. It was much needed and I am glad I did so. I learned a lot about myself and my life as a whole.

I found myself enjoying my music dancing and singing to the songs in my room alone. Laughing and having a good ol' time. I played video games and for once I wasn't using them as an escape. Which for a long time is what I used to do. I watched a remake of a nostalgic anime from my childhood and enjoyed it laughing at it and having a good time.

I think this week I truly embodied what it is like to truly feel grateful for what I have. I haven't been able to do that in a long time.

Since I was a kid I have had to deal with a lot of things that I didn't know how to handle. And I was good at practicing my gratitude but some time in High school I lost that. And after highschool I jumped into an abusive relationship with a diagnosed Sociopath. Then after him I hopped into another relationship with another abusive man. All along being friends with people who lied to me and didn't really like me since middle school.

I had become suicidal in highschool and it progressed up until Christmas Eve 2019. I attempted to end my life and was taken to the hospital where I spent a week in a mental health facility. After I left I made sure to change my life the best I could then the Pandemic happened. And I lost my job and gained the weight back that I had been losing. The Pandemic was hard on me. My fears of leaving my home started to get worse but my brother helped make sure I still left my home. By the end of 2020 though I moved in with my now ex boyfriend's family. Early 2021 I moved out and back in with my family after being bullied and abused by him and his family. Then last year I finally broke up with him and those friends that lied and secretly hated me.

Honestly last year was one of the toughest years I have been through and I would be lying if I said I didn't think about suicide every once in a while. But I never picked anything up to hurt myself and in fact I fought myself on it hard knowing that I wanted to live for once. I was miserable last year and scared. I knew that if I broke up with them my whole life would change. And I had to wrestle with that until the pain got too much to bear.

Since 2019 I'd started working on myself too. I wanted to change. I wanted to be a better person. Before then I had tried but I didn't know where to start but when I was in the mental health facility they gave me resources that pointed me in the right direction.

In 2021 I got into Tiktok which helped improve my mental health and I ended up tripping over a guy who sold a self-help book. And last year I bought it and began to learn from it. I worked hard at going through and working on myself doing the exercises and listening to song recommendations he left in the book for me. I cried a lot. To be honest his book gave me the hope that one day I would be happy again.

And jumping back to today. I have worked so hard on myself. Making sure that I am indeed a truly happens and authentic person. And I celebrate myself every day. I look for proof that I matter. I accept my drawbacks and flaws and make adjustments changing what I can and embracing what I can't.

Today I was so happy. I was out shopping with my brother. We got gas station pizza (which I loved) and at the store they were selling a dad joke book which I read through the store to my brother loud enough for others to hear. And getting laughs and giggles from them.

I wore a crop top today as well. I looked good as a big beautiful woman. I turned heads everywhere I went. And even got the attention of the creeps (I didn't care for those guys.) I got the attention of older ladies too with all their judgment. I think they hated me because I embraced my body while they covered theirs while being much smaller and more "attractive" and socially acceptable than myself. I didn't let it bother me which I think made them even more angry at me.

I have been sitting here after getting home and putting the groceries away thinking about how thankful I am to be where I am right now.

I have been looking back to last year where I thought for sure I was dying or going to die. I was scared all the time and sick because my immune system was reacting to my mental health being in traumadrive and burnout due to my relationship with my most recent ex, the state of the world and my country and my relationship with my ex friends. I was literally going through my own personal hell.

Now even though I only ended those relationships I feel like I am thriving as I continue to wait for myself to get out of burnout. I am still very tired all the time but I am getting better. I have hope now for my future and that is way more than I could think about having last year.

I know that everything will work out for me. It has so far and that is all I need to move forward. I am thankful for what I have now and that is all I need to thrive. I am thankful for my past self who worked so hard to get me here. I am excited to meet my future self tomorrow and the next until my last one. The world may be going to crap but I am happy.

Regards

TNL Barth

[matsubusa-m]

Ah, I am very sorry for not answering earlier. I had a quite busy day today and no time to log onto Rotomblr.

And, no offense taken, but yes, I am not really the type for rock or (heavy) metal concerts. But my wife is and she loves to drag me along to any concert she goes to (another one coming up next Friday even, so again, no Magma-game-night for me - although it’s not a metal concert then).

I, personally, usually listen more to artists like Depeche Mode or… Talk Talk, for example. And, if I had to listen to rock music, I do prefer classic rock. Like Dire Straits or Queen.

About the concert… I’ll put a little cut here since it could get longer. To make this all more optional.

Also, a little "trigger warning": I’ll mention a staged execution. No one was truly injured in this and it was only for show. But if the mention alone makes anyone uncomfortable, please don’t continue reading after this. Thank you very much :)

Alright, so, in total, three bands were playing. An opening act, a “very special guest”-act and the main act.

All in all, it was loud and wild. But my wife had fun. A lot of fun. She knew all of the bands that were playing and was dancing, jumping, cheering, screaming, singing along… it was quite sweet to watch her having so much fun.

The opening act was a band called "Wind Rose". Apparently they make “dwarf metal”… whatever that is supposed to be. Sadly, the audio quality wasn’t very good where we were (we had seats but a very good view at the stage) but the crowd in front of the stage (aka the pit) was going “nuts” anyways (so was my wife). Especially when they gave an encore and played a song where they sung “I am a dwarf and I’m digging a hole”, she was singing along. Which is funny because she is small. Maybe she felt addressed with “dwarf” (just a joke). Also, for some reason, many people had inflatable pick axes… I later found out this was one of the gimmicks of the band. They are fantasy dwarfs, like in Snow White, digging in mines.

Then came the “very special guest” - HammerFall. A band I was already familiar with. Their show was really interactive and the crowd played along. Also, they fixed the sound when they came on stage. The band already existed for around 30 years, yet the band members (especially the founder, one of the guitarists), all still looked pretty young. They also behaved that way. Jumping around the stage, one of the guitarists actually throwing his guitar into the air and (luckily) catching it again… all in all, their show was already pretty good.

Then came the main act��� Powerwolf. Where to start?

Their show opened with church bells. They also called their show the “Holy Metal Mass”.

The stage show was amazing. While Lis was going crazy next to me, I was concentrating more on the stage. The backgrounds were animated and the props looked really nice too. They also stepped up the crowd involvement. The organist (yes, they have an organist. He was even given an organ later for one song with flames coming out of the pipes when played) was poking fun with the singer, getting on his nerves and hyping the crowd up. They made the crowd raise their hands at first. Then clap, sing, jump and shout.

When they played “Demons Are A Girls Best Friend”, my wife just shouted “YESSSS” and sang along to the song. Word. For. Word. She loves this song.

And then came “1589”… where they put up a stake. And then tied the organist to it. And lit it on fire. Obviously, it was all for show and the organist was fine. But still very impressive, if you’d ask me.

The song itself apparently is about the actual execution of a man called Peter Stump accused of being a werewolf in, who would have guessed, 1589.

Over all, the concert was very entertaining and fun. Even for someone like me who isn’t really into metal music. And, of course, we got shirts. It has to be, apparently.

Dear members of Team Magma,

hereby I have to announce that I won’t be able to participate in tonight’s game- and karaoke-night. Reason being my wife taking me to a concert of a band called "Powerwolf"… I actually don’t know what will await me at the concert hall but knowing my wife… it will be a metal concert…

Again, my deepest apologies - especially to Tabitha and the recruits I usually play cards with.

I will tell you about the concert as soon as I return. I have honestly no idea what I am getting myself into here… Lis just said with her wicked little smirk „It'll be a great show, don’t worry".

[jujurambles-archived]

Beach Day With The JJK Trio

It’s scorching hot here so I wanted to write something summery for my favourite anime trio <3. This is my first time writing for a fandom so bear with me please.

Even though this is SFW, the trio and reader are 21.

Yuuji brings a ton of games with him, like Uno cards and regular cards, he even brings a whole monopoly board along. When will you guys even have time to play monopoly?

But he also brings beach balls and water guns and even a sand castle building kit. He’s like a little kid who’s too excited to go to the beach! *insert Yuuji saying waku waku!!*

Nobara is screaming at Yuuji for ruining her sing-along show on the way to the beach and you and Megumi are thankful for Yuuji but now you have to listen to Nobara screaming instead of singing.

Megumi packs a book to read while he listens to music on his trusty red headphones. And you, Yuuji, and Nobara are like “you can do this stuff at home you should enjoy the beach!!” but he thinks this is how he truly enjoys beach days.

When you arrive in the afternoon , you quickly put down your stuff in the small beach house where you’re staying overnight and quickly run to the beach, but Megumi stays a little, putting everything in its place and then he follows along to join you.

You spend an hour swimming or actually just splashing Yuuji and Nobara and playing with the water guns while Megumi is doing random challenges with himself.

Megumi’s like “how far can I swim using only my legs?” or “how many underwater flips can I do?”.

but he gets bored quickly so he gets out and sits under an umbrella to read his book, and when he sees how happy you guys look he takes a picture or two of you on his phone and his lips curve into a little smile at the thought of how happy he gets when he sees you like this!!

Yuuji, Nobara and you finally get hungry so you get out of the water and head back to the beach house to eat the snacks Yuuji spent the whole morning preparing, and they’re SUPER yummy, just like you expected!!

After that you shower and change and you sit on the balcony drinking beer and playing Uno, but suddenly it turns to a dance party thanks to Nobara’s fire playlist!!

The sun starts setting so you go back to the beach and you and Yuuji work on building the ultimate sand castle that makes kids walking by look at it in jealousy.

Meanwhile Nobara bullied Megumi into taking her pictures for her instagram, poor Megumi :(

Time passes quickly and now it’s dark and there’s a cool breeze. There are very few people around and you can almost only hear the sound of waves crashing on the shore.

You go back to the beach house tired even though you haven’t swum for more than two hours, so you lay down on the bed next to Nobara, while Yuuji falls asleep on the couch next to Megumi who was reading his book but now he fell asleep too.

You wake up at 5:20 am, and you decide to go for a quick swim before you go home, so you change into your swimsuit and when you open the door to head out, Megumi wakes up and says he wants to join you.

You don’t spend a lot of time alone with Megumi, but when you do, you have the greatest conversations, he’s just so comfortable to talk to!!

You were just telling him how happy you are right now, being surrounded by the right people and how grateful you are to have him, Nobara and Yuuji by your side, when you hear Yuuji and Nobara run towards you screaming “YOU TRAITORS!!!” and you can’t help but look at Megumi and tell him “see?” and Megumi just smiles and squeezes your hand while you approach them. You really couldn’t be any happier! 

I did it!! I hope I didn't make many mistakes, and I hope you enjoyed reading these not really headcanons. Your comments and reblogs would mean the world to me! And my ask box is always open if you want to talk!! <3

[neecxle]

Not So Berry Extended

I finished the Not So Berry Challenge but wanted to continue for a few more generations because I adore my family. So I’ve written up my own version of things I want to do and accomplish per generation. Now this is a small extension most likely 3 generations that will be updated as I play. Rules may be subject to change whether that be adding or removing things, bc I am playtesting all of this currently.

If you want to follow and watch my playthrough of my Not So Berry Extended, you can do so HERE. ♥

Hope you enjoy and have fun with it! 

Generation 11: White 

From a young age you grew a fascination with acting, the idea of being able to step away from reality and take on a role of someone else excited you. So with the supportive parents you had, they enrolled you in drama club for the entirety of your school life. You begin to strive for something more, becoming a global superstar actor! With focusing so much on your career, keeping serious romantic relationships is difficult because you always prioritize work over love. You eat, breathe, sleep acting and you were happy keeping it that way. But with a one night stand gone wrong... you find out you are now left with an unplanned child. 

Traits: Self-Absorbed // Music Lover // Non-Committal

Aspiration: Master Actor

Career: Actor

Goals:

enroll in drama club as a child and teen + get promoted to junior artiste (lvl.4)

master acting skill

reach level 5 in singing, dancing and an instrument of your choice

master the actor career and master actor aspiration

become a 5 star celebrity

have at least 1 celebrity best friend

never get married

have a one night stand and “accidentally” get pregnant/impregnate the sim* - this will be your only child

* if you choose to impregnate a sim, once the sim gives birth they give you the child to take care of 

side note: if you don’t have access to custom content feel free to use silver hair in replacement for white and dress them in white if you please

Generation 12: Brown

Growing up in the shadows of your parents spotlight was a little hard on you. Although you knew how much they loved you and tried their best to spend every free moment with you, you still felt...alone. Thankfully being a part of the scouts club gave you a sense of family, which you deeply cherished. Scouts club also made you truly fall in love with the outdoors. Being out in nature didn’t make you feel like you were so alone anymore, which is why camping became something you loved to do. There were tales that in the Deep Woods of Granite Falls a hermit resides away from everyone, so naturally the curious bean you were you had to find out for yourself. Forever alone felt like a motto you started to live by and thought you’d never get married like your parent, but someone finally came along and you were really happy with the way life was heading. Unfortunately down the road things didn’t end up working out. You’ve always secretly had this crazy idea of making a robot best friend since you were a kid. The thought of having a robot who was there for you every waking moment felt like something you needed in your life, so it was time to make a crazy idea… a reality!

Traits:  Loves the Outdoors // Loner // Erratic

Aspiration:  Outdoor Enthusiast

Career:  Gardener

Goals:

join scouts club as a child and teen + get promoted to llamacorn scout (lvl.5)

master outdoor enthusiast aspiration (i give you permission to cheat sleep 5 nights in a tent - it’s quite annoying)

master gardening career (floral designer branch)

master gardening and flower arranging skill

complete the insect collection

have a pet cowplant

master herbalism skill (craft each recipe at least once - 13 recipes total)

master robotics skill and create your robot best friend

have 1 failed marriage and have at least 1 child w/ them

go into the deep woods > meet and befriend the hermit

Generation 13: Black

Ahh books… you love em! You always enjoyed a good read that could take you on a journey in a whole new fantasy world. So naturally starting a book club at school to share your love for reading was the thing to do. Thanks to the club it brought you your best friend, who you later fall in love with and get engaged to. Instead of going off to university like everyone else you got convinced to join the military, but that didn’t last long so you quit and went off to study psychology. Whilst away at uni you discovered the Encyclopedia Vampirica, and got extremely curious about vampires to the point you took a trip over to Forgotten Hollow to find out if they were real. You end up meeting a vampire who you become completely mesmerized with and fall in love so quick as if you were put under a spell. This is where you decide to ask “could I be turned into one?” Without hesitation their teeth sink into your neck and the process of you turning has begun. You decide to drop out of university and call off the engagement because you have fallen for another and want to live out your new vampire life. Becoming a Simlish online teacher was your only option after dropping out of uni, and with working from home you had more time to yourself so you started writing your own books. Unfortunately your job started to feel mundane, so you have the bright idea of running your own business! Not being able to have children has always upset you, but with your new powers creating your own vampire family is only one step away...

Traits:  Bookworm // Cheerful // Insider

Aspiration:  Master Vampire

Career:  Military/ Education/ Business Owner

Goals:

start a book club as a child and meet with them at least once a week

get engaged to your best friend shortly after aging up into a young adult

join the military career reach lvl 5, then quit

go off to university and study psychology - drop out after first semester

fall in love with a vampire and ask them to turn you

break off the engagement after you drop out of university

master bowling, vampire lore, and pipe organ skill

join the education career reach lvl 4, then quit (only work from home)

write and publish at least 5 books

complete the master vampire aspiration

don’t have kids or adopt - instead create a vampire family of sims you turn (at least 2)

run your own business

(optional if you want to end the legacy) burn to death from being exposed to sunlight

If you have decided to end your legacy here, congratulations on completing my not so berry extended! I hope you enjoyed the challenge, if you did, thank you for taking the time to give this a go! 

- Much love, Nicole ♥

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

i'm so excited about you taking asks again ahhhh okay so. if you'd absolutely had to choose. what would be your top 5 cockles moments, and why? thank you ily <3

here’s the thing: there are so many routes i could go down with this, because cockles moments come in all shapes and sizes and formats. these include moments from their panels, their bloopers, the footage we get when they don’t even know they’re being recorded, stories being passed down from photo ops & autographs(one of my personal favorite ways to get cockles, tbh, because they’re all insane), and social media(tweets to each other, instagram posts & comments, etc.). 

SO! since many a list like this has already been made, and i want to stand out from the crowd, what i’m gonna do is definitively give the number one spot to each of these five categories.(i might even throw in honourable mentions because they’re so despicably in love that they warrant that. i really put my whole pussy into this, guys, i hope you’re happy.) 

disclaimer: these are my own personal opinions. but that also means i’m right. so. enjoy. 

number one: top cockles panel moment

so we’re starting off with a bang, because how do you even BEGIN to rank what atrocities jensen and misha commit at jibcon. every single one they’ve had is damning in it’s own right, for different reasons.

however, considering just how much unabashed fuckery they’ve given us to sift through, it’s a good thing i do have a personal favorite despite it all. it’s heartwarming, the sweetest thing i’ve ever seen, AND it’s jarringly cinematic - mainly because it has a whole ass arc to it that was years in the making. it might even be surprising to some people, but my favorite cockles panel moment, and what i consider the one that encompasses their entire gut-wrenching journey from 2008-2013 in the most sweepingly romantic gesture possible, is this one.

i want this burned into my retinas. i am not even joking. when i'm through with my explanation, let me convince you why this is thee most romantic cockles moment of all time.

first, some history: people call this the resume off, but many seem to forget the botched attempt at a resume off a year prior. and yes, you guessed it: it's during their break up. it's a juicy time period for a reason, guys. it came across as exceedingly one-sided and VERY awkward. let me refresh your memory as to just how bad it was, and just how hard jensen was trying and ultimately failing at winning misha over: the funniest part of the whole resume off in 2013??? every joke/bit had literally already been made/done. they were just going through the motions again, but the difference THIS time...is that misha reciprocated jensen's energy. it. is. fascinating. i want to get into it more detail in another post, and i'll link it here when i'm done, but the main takeaway, i think, and the main difference that showcases how much they've grown in a year, is that in jib 3, misha flat out refused to do an accent, and this time around, he indulges jensen for literal minutes. when i tell you they're crazy, they're crazy. i can't wait to actually dive into it later.

ANYWAY, the resume off culminates in this moment here. and, like, a million things happen in this gifset. actually, more like a million and one. the music starts playingneediremindyouthatthesongissingingintherain(h e l p), misha starts dancing, jensen 'perpetually fake grumpy' ackles lets misha think he's not going to join, misha sits down defeated, but no!!! that was jensen's plan all along(look at his stupid fucking smirk) and he offers his arm to his dance partner who immediately grins like a fool, jensen then leads misha into their kick step, they perfectly synchronise and let loose, and are then very clearly having the time of their lives, hanging off of each other with joy and ease. from their expressions alone i can tell that this moment is so. so. so. so! much more than what initially meets the eye. i mean-misha is fighting back the biggest smile i've ever seen. to me, it reads like jensen is offering something to misha, something that misha kind of gave up on expecting, and him offering his arm like that is like, a surprise to him in the best possible way(and it's so not platonic, let me just say that.) as soon as jensen did that, it ushered in a new era of cockles. this panel is jensen and misha's favourite for a reason, and i think this moment is the biggest clue as to why.

whew!!! ok. that took a lot out of me and that was only point one. moving on,

number two: top cockles blooper moment

cockles bloopers hold an extremely special place in my heart, because it shows just how fucking disastrous jensen and misha are. they are so goddamn infatuated with each other that they HOLD UP PRODUCTION ALL THE TIME TO FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER(???). let me repeat. let it sink in. jensen ackles; arguably one of the most professional actors on that show who puts everything he has into each scene, with mountains and mountains of notes to prove it: would rather hold up production to flirt with misha collins. this sounds fake. it's not. he does it. all. the. time. and here's the thing guys!!! i'm gonna let you in on a secret!!! misha loves it. he loveesssss it. on top of that-misha collins: overlooked because he's pranked and people assume he's unprofessional as well, but his only pranks are in retaliation/off-set, and he rarely if EVER causes problems if he can help it....lets himself get carried away when it comes to jensen making kissy faces at him!!! are you actually kidding me!!! i mean. misha. it's just a face. you've seen it a million times. i don't buy that it triggers something in you that strongly....you like it, and you like jensen's reaction. you can't fool me!!! lisa berry's face in that one gifset shows just how fed up the crew is with their gross, coupley boyfriend antics.

i could pull up so many examples. sooooooo many. but my favourite was sealed since the moment i saw it.

i actually already wrote an analysis on it but i can't find it :(((( which SUCKS because i really unpacked the whole thing. i'll try to summarise.

basically, a backstory is part of this too!!! jensen and misha both had a really really hard time with this scene(because it's explicitly romantic there i said it), they sat down for hours and poured over their scripts together, they were super super nervous going into filming, both of them, jensen especially, were super hard on themselves for their performances not being true to their characters but they both complimented the other's work(boyfriend moments fr). so, yeah. they weren't confident going into shooting. and how do they get themselves to feel better???? by cuddling each other, apparently.

a lot. a LOT. happens in this specific blooper. to the point that i saw it years before i knew about cockles and it raised all sorts of flags for me.

1) stop pulling my face towards your crotch(as a thinly veiled request that misha would, in fact, move jensen's face towards his crotch, considering it was jensen moving himself there in the first place. also, why so comfy down there guys???) 2) you're my baby daddy i know(in the most intimate voice i've ever heard please) 3) i know, i know, i love you too i didn't say i love you i know but you wanted to say it etc. misha's right, of course. that's what jensen meant.

it just reeks of comfort, familiarity and intimacy between the two, and it's a moment that is extremely sweet and silly at the same time. they're so <3

number three: top cockles found footage moment

WONDERFUL category. truly the culmination of the cockles experience. many people have said that shipping cockles doesn't work because 'they're just onstage you dummies!! they're playing it up for the audience!!!' here's the thing, love. i could not disagree with you more. once you climb your way up the cockles ladder, you soon learn that they are, in fact, playing their dynamic DOWN, not up. they really are just Like That™, and they could not care less about the paying audience, if we're being honest, considering how much time they take to giggle with each other and refuse to let the audience in on the joke. and i love them for it <3

anyway, my point is that this category is for all you naysayers out there, all you 'jensen and misha's relationship is just for show and is real life queerbaiting'(?????lordhelp???) oh yeah? ok, explain this.

he. he. he calls jensen sweetheart. literally enough said. there's nothing to really add here, except, misha and jared then immediately engage in damage control. jared's method is distraction and misha's is retconning('get out of the car, dude') this was what got me to buy into the cockles dumpster for GOOD good. you don't call your buddy sweetheart accidentally and sound so completely earnest while doing it! especially not when that buddy is jensen ackles!!! you think he would let any of his friends call him that? do you?

one more thing; if it was a slip of the tongue, little mouth thing or whatever, you think jared wouldn't have jumped on it immediately??? i can hear it now. 'did you just call him SWEETHEART???' yeah. that's what i thought. you know why he didn't? because it was too revealing.

number four: top cockles autograph moment

i mean, i think we all know what it's gonna be, and if you don't, well, do i have the piece de cockles resistance that is gonna send you over the edge.

if you haven't heard of this story by now, as a cockles, truther, i'm gonna go ahead and get you to read it, because there is no possible heterosexual explanation for any of it, and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

spoiler alert: it's the story where phones weren't allowed in an auto session, jensen nuzzles himself in misha's hair, leans his full body weight onto him, holds his hand, etc. etc. i'm imploding just repeating this back, actually. also, just, the sheer amount of stories from photo ops where they tackle hug each other or slap each other's asses or sing romantic songs to each other or almost kiss is, frankly, a lot. if i could wish for anything, it would be to witness them in person.

and finally,

number five: top cockles social media moment

this one is super difficult, because there's obviously a lot to choose from. but you know what? full send, i'm going with this one:

i just. what to say about this. how often do misha and jensen watch sunsets together for it to qualify as ‘always’ ??? why are sunsets synonymous with their relationship??? that’s like??? a very romantic thing????? ‘this guy’??? the fact that it’s a CANDID??? i don’t know guys.

that could have been better but i am TIRED so. there you go rose ily

[luteoflaughs]

There was a slight twinge of envy from within Tomas as he heard these two start singing. It was well known that Tomas hadn't intended to become a bard from the get go. He had tried many things before that like trying to learn the magic of the Crafters, how to fight like the Keepers and form dreams like the Weavers. He went to many dragons in the hopes of finding some form of inspiration. The bard thing was something he had always been able to do. So Tomas desired to not be defined as being Artisan. Tomas desired to be more, to become more than what he was born as. Yet all his attempts at doing some unique failed....somehow it didn't feel fair.

How dare they have this talent when I struggled for so long to refine my other talents and got no where. I was always able to sing! I was always able to dance! That is to be expected of an Artisan! Why doing things a Crafter can do would be more impressive so them having my natural talent is an insult. They shouldn't outshine me. I am the greatest musician in the realms not them! Make them stop! It is an insult to everything you were...no...that isn't me...I'm not...

Tomas shook his head forcing these vile thoughts away as he began to play in harmony with the others. He played the bells on his ankle doing more than he maybe should to drown out those darker thoughts that weren't his own. Tomas was used to putting on a happy mask it was almost second nature by this point. Some of the joy he felt was genuine but this envy was trying to ruin this moment. There was no mistake to be made as Tomas fit into the song perfectly. Once the song was over Tomas sat in between Lucas and Ragnar.

"Well, if I had known you both were so talented I would have thought you were both born Artisans. It is rather hard for some of us to find our art you know? It is something of a personal journey we all undergo as we try to learn who were truly are at our very core."

"Part of me wishes...you both had been with me back then since it always felt like I was the only one who had natural talent for music. I would've liked to have played with others. Playing alone is rather sad..."

Yes, that was the real emotion coming through not the envy. Tomas was in truth sad he never got to enjoy his talent with others. It felt like it was only him at least with regards to the Artisans.

When the time comes for Tomas to start the praise train on the Peace Keeper, Ragnar tries to intercept the conversation, before getting his hand grabbed and shook, he wasn't surprised that his singing reached hem, but he was a bit flabbergasted and silenced for a good couple of moments before putting on hand on the back of his neck, chuckling somewhat nervously as Lucas laughs whole-heartedly at the two of them.

[ Refine that Talent? I mean--Andor and I have been voice training for around two decades at this point, It only started sounding good recently. ]

Ragnar noted, around two decades was before and after the war, the war that shook everyone to their very core, but singing and instruments were Ragnar's main coping mechanism now, and cooking seemed to be Andor's primary mechanism, it helped them all greatly. Soon before Ragnar can even decline Tomas' offer, as good as it sounded, the Peace Keeper had many a more priorities now in this time, recovery from recent events being one of them--it's then that Lucas looks at the two of them and approaches.

[ " You two are not the only ones who can sing, For I can as well. I've gone through the ages learning much about other Houses' professions to intertwine them as my hobbies. " ]

Lucas sits down nearby Ragnar and Tomas, curling his tail up towards his hands, and he also begins to sing, since all of them knew how to sing, maybe it could strive Tomas to join in, get inspired, it was the least they could do for the bard!

[ But I know you know I’m right Though we’re different we’re dragons deep inside But without love, or salvation, or kindness, or comfort though, is it really life? no! Crying when the radio plays a sappy note, pathetic yes, I know One thing’s for sure though, Everything is your fault. ] Lucas is shocked when Ragnar continues his lyrics, and they continue on, they're shocked they know that song.

[ I’ve tried but I still don’t understand why Why is it we have to fight to live our own life Why I can’t live off doing the one thing I like I don’t care if my lyrics aren’t quite right, I don’t really care, no ‘Cause I think I’ve got it right Yeah I think I’ve got it right Yeah I know I’ve got it right? ]

Ragnar seems to be tapping to the guitar and drums, and Lucas is tapping to the pianos, what started as the two of them looking for flowers for Halvor has ended up with the two of them singing for the Bard, in hopes of bringing them the necessary inspirations to continue on with their profession as an Artisan. It was a kind gesture, at least they hoped they would join in.

[ But I’ve got it wrong again I don’t understand I don’t really care though Not about dragons or truth or the world or this life I hold, I don’t really care, no! Never giving a reply, just philosophic lines, is just an excuse right? Not that I care though, Everything is your fault! ]

[ Even I had dreams long long ago Now it doesn’t feel the same as it did before I’ve told you time and time again It didn’t really matter if nothing came of it, you know You do know, I know you know, now I can’t do it anymore So now you know why.... So now you know why I, don’t do music anymore.... ]

The last line didn't say anything truthful about how Ragnar and Lucas thought about music, it was just a really good song, and they resonate with a lot of the lyrics and the instrumentals. They're both surprised the two of them knew the song so well from heart, it's only when Ragnar speaks, and Lucas responds in turn, that the reason they knew the song is revealed.

[ This is the first song, me and Andor covered, a few years back. How do you also know about it, Lucas? ]

[ " That's simple! I heard it being played while I was in Gavin's cafe, that man's got a massive collection of CDs and Radio Stations to listen to! " ]