#where i am truly alone and i get to sing and dance and make music and eat and whatever without being yelled at or having to be quiet or

[pepprs]

having some time alone in the hotel this week (which is abt to end bc we’re moving back home tmrrw even though the renovation isn’t finished ����🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪) and being able to have the bedroom to myself has made me think rebellious thoughts my family would be very offended over. like maybe i listened to less and less music these last few years due in part to the fact that ive spentmore time at home than i used to and i also lived on campus w roommates in a very uncomfortable arrangement and im unable to move freely about the cabin when im living w other ppl whose needs don’t align w mine and so ive just gotten used to not having all of my needs met and always being the person to take the short end of the stick…. but i actually need to be able to sing and dance and draw and do whatever and when im alone (which is almost never) im able to do that and that’s actually legit and as important as anyone else’s needs in a space i share w them. idk if i worded that well but yeah

[nolita-fairytale]

don’t want to walk alone | carmen ‘carmy' berzatto | chapter three: september

summary: the moment we've all be waiting for: you and carmy get married.

warnings: swearing, eventual smut, lots of tooth rotting fluff, marriage, no use of y/n, second person pov, she/her pronouns

wc: 7.1k

listen to: the official don't want to walk alone playlist. there is SO much music in this chapter, so per the playlist, it starts with 'it takes two' and ends with 'love story.'

a/n: ok so this chapter was a behemoth to write and i am in fact in love with it. it's taken me days, really weeks, to get what i wanted out of it and i still feel like i could've gone deeper. however, i'm also kind of just happy to have this out in the world and give these two the wedding they wanted me to give them. each moment was curated and thought out, down to the music selection so this chapter is really just a product of me stewing on this idea for quite a bit of time. this is a part of my make my heart surrender universe so check out the masterlist if you haven't read the series! next up? their long weekend at the langham where we really get carmy x reader and moments for just them. please let me know if you'd like to be added or removed from the taglist.

part two | masterlist | part four

“It takes two to make a thing go riiiiight.”

You never pictured the night before your wedding like this, you think to yourself, as you listen to Fak sing, to the best of his ability in a somewhat-decent falsetto, along to the 90s hip hop classic. 

Hell, you’re not sure you really ever pictured your wedding, but as you sit, surrounded by the people you love, you can’t see it going any other way than this. You watch as Richie rallies up as many people as he can for shots of Mallort, recounting that infamous morning at Ceres – a story he’s told over and over again, yet still manages to tell as animated and boisterously as the first time you heard it. 

You groan as you watch Richie successfully convince Gary to take a shot with him, Gary’s face twisting into a look of disgust in response to the foul taste of the Chicago liquor, as Sugar reminds him that he should know better by now. 

Carmy gives your knee a squeeze while simultaneously brushing off Richie’s attempt at shoving a shot in his direction. You laugh, a warm feeling filling you to the brim (could be the beer, could be being surrounded by your people), while Sydney jumps right into her best Rob Base impression. 

It just so happens that your continuously put-off ‘let’s shoot for next month’ karaoke plans with a few staff members from The Bear coincided with plans to go out with friends before the wedding, which is how you’ve found yourself here. 

After a lovely dinner at The Bear, your parents went back to the hotel for the night, insisting that you two go and have your fun. And as much as you would’ve loved to have brought your mother-who-has-a-doctorate-in-music-theory to karaoke night, she much preferred a good night’s sleep. 

The crowded bar claps enthusiastically as Fak and Sydney wrap up their song, finishing their truly-made-up-only-for-comedy dance moves. You giggle, exchanging another glance with Carmy, as your friends take their bows, before shuffling off of the stage. 

You hear the loud boom of the emcee’s voice through the microphone as he says:

“And up next we got… Tina!”

“Let’s go, T!” you shout through hands crowded around your mouth, in an effort to increase your volume of sound. 

Carmy cheers, clapping his hands together as Richie enthusiastically chants Tina’s name while Tina makes her way to the stage. 

“This is gonna be good,” Sugar nudges you, from where you are, seated in between the Berzatto siblings. 

You nod your head in agreement before settling in a little closer to Carmy. 

“The queen, herself,” Sydney remarks, gesturing towards the stage as she and Fak both return to your table. Sydney pulls up a chair next to where you and Carmy sit while Fak joins Richie on the other side of it. “And the ONLY act that could follow our exceptional performance.” 

“Well, exactly,” you agree, playfully. 

You exchange a laugh with Syd, while Carmy playfully rolls his eyes at the two of you. 

The crowded bar room goes quiet as soon as Tina reaches the stage, smiling nervously as she grabs the mic. 

“This one goes out to our favorite Jeffrey. And his lady Jeff,” she begins, earning a round of cheers and hollers from the group you’re with. Tina blows a kiss you and Carmy’s way, before nodding at the emcee to begin. 

“I love you guys.”

You hear the beginning notes of the iconic Etta James tune, gasping in anticipation of her song:

“at last my love has come along my lonely days are over and life is like a song.”

You sigh in admiration, a hand over your heart as Tina continues to sing. Her voice is powerful, soulful – perfect for the song, really – as she continues into the second verse. 

“at last the skies above are blue my heart was wrapped up in clover the night I looked at you.”

This time, it’s Carmy who steals a glance your way, his mind taken back to that fateful night at a bar in Hell’s Kitchen, when he spilled his drink on you so many years ago. You’re entranced, enchanted, with Tina’s performance, and he thinks to himself, that maybe this is the best it’s ever going to get: being here with you, getting to love you, on the cusp of promising you ‘forever’ tomorrow. 

Never had he expected that you’d make it this far. You’d always been so much cooler than him – well-liked, talented, funny – in and out of the kitchen, that he had no idea how the hell he was supposed to talk to you without vomiting all over your shoes out of nerves. 

He can remember that night so vividly: standing there in the restroom of the bar he can barely remember the name of, while you stood across from him with the kind of glare on your face he swore could kill him. But you didn’t, and after many attempts to push you away, you asked him to be your friend, deeming it the day that started it all – a friendship that would teeter the line of friendship and something more, one that would bloom into the greatest love he’s ever known. As much as he hates to give Nate fucking Walker any kind of credit, he’ll the be first in line to say he’s glad the jagoff pushed him into you, setting it all in motion. 

You can see that Carmy’s become distracted, lost in thought as the song finishes, something behind your favorite pair of blue eyes as the entire bar ignites into a huge round of celebratory claps for Tina’s performance. 

You look up over at him, setting your beer bottle down on the table before leaning over to whisper in his ear.

“I can hear you thinkin’ over there, Berzatto,” you tease him quietly, pulling him from his trip down memory lane. “It’s only the night before the biggest day of your life. Relax.”

Carmy rolls his eyes playfully in response, but before he can properly respond to your jab, the emcee has begun introducing the next karaoke singers to the stage. 

“Alright. Looks like I’ve got uh… three singers here this time,” the emcee says, his voice cutting sharply through the crowd of remaining cheers. “Let’s welcome Sydney back to the stage with… Sugar and… the bride to be!” 

“What!?” you exclaim, your eyes wide with surprise as Sydney jumps to her feet.  

“But I didn’t-,” you begin to protest, as Sugar pulls you to your feet, tugging on your arm. 

“Oh there’s no way in hell we’re letting you sit this one out,” Sugar orders you, as Sydney rushes to your side, ushering you towards the stage. 

“Yeah this was your idea!” Sydney simultaneously reminds you. 

“Babe! Help!” you call out to Carmy, only to be met with a shrug and a look that says ‘don’t think I could if I tried.’ 

“Oh, he’s in on this,” Sydney adds, which does explain why he didn’t even attempt to help you when your friends began dragging you out of your chair. “So don’t even think about asking him for help.”

“Wh-? But I don’t even know what we’re singing!” you continue to protest, looking from Sugar to Sydney as they push you onto the stage with them. 

“Trust,” Sydney reassures you, her face serious, while Nat slides a sash over you (one you’ve refused to wear all night) that has the word, ‘BRIDE’ printed over it in huge gold lettering. You groan, sending a glare in Nat’s direction, even though you know it’s all in good fun. 

You hear Richie shout, while Fak and Marcus clap loudly, and Carmy laughs, shouting words of encouragement your way. 

You know there’s no use in putting up a fight, especially since this was your idea anyways, as you begrudgingly take one of the three wireless mics. Before you can ask once more, what the hell Syd and Nat signed the three of you up to sing, a distinct slide of piano keys comes in, lighting up the karaoke screen in front of you. 

You grin immediately, in recognition, and to your two best friend’s delight, as they smile too, raising the mics to your lips to sing:

“friday night and the lights are low looking out for a place to go where they play the right music getting in the swing you come to look for a king.”

You laugh as your friends point towards Carmy on the last line. The three of you continue to sing the next part with reckless abandon, and all is forgiven. 

You could care less about how the three of them conspired against you to get you up here. All that matters now is that you’re here, singing one of your favorite songs with your best friends, grooving and dancing to the ABBA classic, as you prepare to marry your best friend. 

“you can dance you can jive having the time of your life ooh, see that girl watch that scene digging the dancing queen.”

"what good is love without any strings?" dayglow, 'close to me'

“Baby.”

Carmy groans in response, as soon as he hears the low hum of your voice. 

“Good morning,” you say, a soft smile on your face as you watch him begin to blink his eyes open. 

Carmy turns his head towards you, and he can’t believe he gets to wake up to this – to you – every single day. 

“Hey,” he says back, a soft smile spreading across his lips. “Good Morning, sweetheart.” 

“Guess what?” you ask him with the kind of glee and anticipation as a kid on Christmas morning. 

“Hmm?” he hums, as you smooth a hand over his chest, your body pressed against his side as you look at your soon-to-be husband. 

“We’re getting married today,” you grin, a giddiness that bubbles inside of you. 

“‘S that so?” he mumbles, playfully. 

“Uh huh,” you nod with a chuckle, this time playing along. “Don’t tell me you forgot.”

Instead of replying with words, Carmy swiftly wraps an arm around you, before flipping you so that you’re the one on your back this time. You let out of a shriek and a laugh as he leans down, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips before adding:

“How could I ever?”

You shrug casually, “Weeeelll…. you just have so much going on up there.” You reach up to where Carmy hovers above you, brushing a golden curl out of his eyes as you continue your little dance. 

“You know, between the restaurant and all that time spent being a genius,” you joke, bantering with Carmy. “Don’t know how you have the time to remember silly little things like wedding dates and what not.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Carmy laughs, shaking his head incredulously, before pressing another kiss, this one much deeper to your lips again. 

And this time, as he pulls away, he gives you one of those languid looks that pierces right through your soul replying much more seriously this time with:

“I could never forget you.”

The way he says it with such conviction takes your breath away, and you know that Carmy means it. The double meaning isn’t lost on him either. 

It’s one of the reasons he called you all those years ago to come teach Marcus; it’s why you ended up in Chicago:

Because as much as he tried, as damn good at compartmentalizing as he’d always been, he really could never forget you. Carmy shakes his head once more, a playful smile on his face as he leans down to kiss you again, wondering when the hell he got this fuckin’ sentimental. As he places his mouth over yours, you’re more than happy to switch gears into doing this dance for a little longer. 

 Carmy traces light shapes against your skin, his mouth pouring love into yours with every kiss, with every drag of his tongue. You gasp as he grinds his hips into yours, making it clear where he’d like this all to go. You pull away, only for a moment, giggling cheekily. 

“Babe, I-,” you begin to protest, as Carmy chuckles, continuing to kiss you with zero intention of stopping “We… we’re going to be late.” This time, you feel his hands snake underneath the t-shirt you’ve been sleeping in, sending chills down your spine. 

“And-, Carm-, I-, I have to do my hair for-, … and what about-, my parents, they’ll-,” you stammer through, your thoughts becoming all kinds of disorganized with the way Carmy’s lips move against your neck this time. 

“I’ll be quick,” he answers with an aplomb you didn’t know he had in him. 

“I don’t know if that’s the flex you think it is,” you tease him as his hands begin to cup your breasts, your body responding with an involuntary arch of your back. 

“How fast I can make you come? I think it might be?” he murmurs against your lips, cockily.  

“Carmy,” you moan, as he begins to pull your t-shirt up higher, making it incredibly difficult to think of your to-do list for much longer. 

“Oh fuck it,” you sigh, deciding that, perhaps there’s no harm in getting the honeymoon started a little early anyways. 

“That’s my girl,” Carmy whispers against you, grinning like a Cheshire cat as you surrender to him. 

And he’s right about this too. 

How fast he can make you cum deserves all kinds of bragging rights, awards – a Nobel Peace prize, even – and you’re not sure why you thought getting a head start on doing your hair would’ve been the better idea in the first place. You spend the morning in the arms of the man you plan to spend forever with as he writes love letters, promises to give you the world, declarations of adoration with the pleasure he brings you. And besides, you’re not running all that behind on time anyways – something you realize, as the two of you get out of the shower (a round two, really). 

It takes a little longer than expected – mostly due to the fact that you and Carmy can’t seem to keep your hands off of each other – but against all odds, the two of you pull up to the courthouse right on time. 

It’s a sight for sore eyes: you, running hand in hand with your husband-to-be in a white, halter-cut wedding dress while Carmy follows along, in a classic black suit – no tie around the neck – as the two of you hurry into the courthouse. 

Sure, you could’ve tried to get here early – saved a little time and stress – but where’s the fun in that?

The two of you approach your families, hand in hand, to the sounds of your heels clicking against the marble floors of City Hall. The actual ceremony at City Hall, you’d both decided, would be family only. 

Since you weren’t making a huge deal of it, you viewed this part as necessary paperwork, while the party itself could function as the ceremony and reception. But as soon as you see the look on your parents’ faces, you know this is more than just a few signed papers. You watch as their faces change, from impatient, waiting, eager, to in awe and emotional as you walk towards them. 

You hear Ava shout your name, immediately dropping her dad’s hand as she runs towards you. 

“Ava!!” you exclaim, bending down in your heels and white dress to scoop her up into a hug. You spin her around, just for a moment, before setting her back down on the floor. 

“You look like a princess,” she says, completely in awe, her eyes wide as she looks up at you. 

“You look like a princess, sweetie,” you reply, before giving her another hug. “And you know I can’t wait to hear your song, right?” 

“I picked the best one,” she grins, proudly. 

“I’m sure you did,” you reply confidently, with a playful wink. 

“Oh-ho! Pay up, Rick,” Sugar mutters smugly, to Richie, as Carmy busies himself with greeting both of your parents.

Richie groans, muttering something profane as he not-so-discreetly hands Nat a $20 bill, earning a quizzical look from both of your parents that travels from Carmy and then to you. 

“Sorry,” Richie apologizes, this time directing this one towards your parents as he holds up both hands, respectfully bowing his head. 

You send a playful glare Richie’s way, earning a sardonic laugh from Natalie, as you push right past him and over to your parents. 

“Oh sweetie,” your mom gasps, pulling you in for a tight squeeze. 

“Hi, Mom,” you grin, as you hug her. “Dad!”

“My God, honey, you look beautiful,” your dad says, as it’s his turn next. You hug your dad, exchanging a few words about the morning, asking how they slept, how the hotel is, as your mom and Carmy hug it out. 

This time, he turns his attention towards Carmy, so you release him, letting the two of them have their moment. 

Taking your chance, while your parents are otherwise distracted, you make your way over to where Sugar and Richie stand. 

“What? You guys were betting on whether or not we’d be late?” you ask Sugar, an eyebrow quirked in Richie’s direction. 

“Listen,” Sugar sighs, cupping your face in her hands, endearingly. “You and Carm are nothing if not consistent.” You exchange a laugh with your almost-sister-in-law because you know she’s right. “And for the record, I bet that you’d be-.”

“Just in time!” the judge says, as he approaches the six of you, slipping his judge robe over his shoulders, black leather fold pressed against his chest. “You guys ready to get started?”

Carmy looks over at you, as if he’s waiting for you to take the lead here, and you nod, before the both of you turn back to the judge. 

“Yes.” 

“Great,” he smiles, clapping his hands together once. “Then let’s get you two married!”

"sooner or later, you'll find yourself right where you were, on the corner went looking for her, she had somethin' to tell you, she can't quite remember, but wait for a second, it always comes back to her, you always come back to her." -- the japanese house, 'morning pages'

And after dotting all appropriate i’s and crossing all necessary t’s, with one signed marriage license later, you, Carmy, your parents, Richie and Ava, Sugar, and Judge Thompson find yourself on the green roof of City Hall. 

Carmy stands across you, his hands in yours, offering you a lifetime with one look from the most expressive blue orbs you’ve ever found yourself in. 

“If you’d like to say something, if you prepared any vows… now would be the time,” Judge Thompson says, offering you and Carmy both the space to do so. 

“Oh I think we-,” you begin, ready to decline the opportunity since you figured you’d save it for the reception. 

“Actually uh, yeah. Can we?” Carmen interjects, sending you a look of reassurance. 

“Of course,” Judge Thompson nods, giving you and Carmy the floor. 

“Carm, I didn’t prepare anything for-,” you begin, but he’s quick to put your mind and heart at ease and he interjects with:

“It’s okay. I did.”

“Oh.”

You hadn’t expected this, since you both agreed you’d save any kind of speeches that may or may not happen today during the reception. But as Carmy’s palms grow clammier, a nervous look in his eyes as he searches for the words he’s practiced over the last few days, it becomes clear that he’s been planning this. 

“As you know… I’m not always great with words,” he begins, almost apologetically, letting out a small laugh as he looks to Richie for reassurance. In turn, Richie gives Carmy a sympathetic nod, and you’re practically melting over the fact that he probably asked Richie for help with this. 

Let it rip.

 “I just uh-,” Carmy stammers, because he really, really wants to get this right. “Well, I’ll keep it brief.” He takes a breath, letting all of his nerves out on the exhale before beginning again. 

Let it rip, buddy.

“I have loved you for so long – I think maybe since the day you brought me soup after I uh… you know, spilled my drink on you,” he states, earning the sweetest laugh from you, your friends, and family that came to witness. 

“-- so I promise to love you for even longer, for forever. You changed my life.”

You exhale, trying your best not to cry right here and now, thankful for the mysterious powers of waterproof mascara. 

“Jeez, no pressure,” you joke, dryly, before taking another breath, this time approaching your words with much more seriousness.

“Carmen. I’m so happy… that I changed your life,” you begin, cheekily, earning a laugh from your witnesses once more. “Because you changed mine. And I promise to love you forever.” 

‘I love you,’ Carmy mouths to you, before nodding towards the judge to signal that you’re both done with your vows. 

“Alright then,” Judge Thompson smiles, looking from you and then to Carmen, before uttering the question that will change the course of your life forever. 

“I do,” Carmy replies, his voice even, sure, ready. 

Natalie steps up this time, handing Carmy your ring, and you watch, teary eyed and full hearted as he slides it onto your left ring finger. 

“And do you take Carmen Anthony Berzatto to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Judge Thompson repeats the question, this time for you to answer. 

“Yeah, why the hell not?” you reply, earning a groan from your mother and a playful chuckle from your father. 

“Yes. I do.” 

At Richie’s encouragement, it’s Ava this time who steps up, handing you Carmy’s ring, with the sweetest most excited smile on her face as she looks from you to Carmy. You thank her, before returning your attention to Carmy once more. His eyes search your face, and there’s something so soft, so genuine in them that you think you’re going to cry as you help him put on his new piece of jewelry as well. 

“Then by the power vested in me by the State of Illinois, I now pronounce you, husband and wife,” Judge Thompson concludes, contently.

“Should we-, do we kiss?” Carmy asks, looking from you to Judge Thompson. 

“I’m just a civil servant but you may, yes,” he answers lightheartedly. 

“Let’s go for it,” you shrug, taking a step towards Carmy. 

Instead of answering, he smiles, stepping towards you before planting one on you in front of your friends and family that were invited to this brief ceremony. 

While Sugar claps gleefully, Richie claps along muttering a ‘get a room,’ while you remind Carmy to keep it PG enough for your parents. You giggle, slowly pulling away from the kiss that begins the rest of your life with the man that you love. 

“We did it, baby. We’re married,” you chuckle, in disbelief. 

“Finally,” Carmy sighs, and you can see his smile from his lips to the crinkles in the corners of his eyes. 

It doesn’t take long for your mom to usher both you and Carmy over to a spot in the garden she thinks will be best for pictures, just as the photographer arrives. She wasn’t wrong when she insisted you hire one, that you’d want to remember this day for the rest of your life. The photographer, who is incredibly talented, gets the shots needed up here in the garden, then downstairs, and outside, before you’re all off to Sugar’s place for the reception. 

As you and Carmy sit in the car, having taken a separate one than your parents, you’re giddy with anticipation. 

It’s all so surreal. 

Never in his life did Carmy picture it ever getting this good, but as he looks over at you, your head resting on his shoulder, he presses a kiss to the top of your head, smiling to himself. 

“We did it, sweet girl. We’re married,” he says, repeating your words from earlier. 

“Yeah,” you grin, lifting your head off of his shoulder. 

“We are, Bear.”

"give your heart and soul to me, and life will always be la vie en rose."

“No, Sugar! That’s not supposed to go out yet. Everything’s goin’ out family style. Let’s just take out the apps for-,” Carmy exclaims, stressed over the execution of your wedding reception-slash-brunch, because he just can’t help himself. 

“Fuckin’ Christ, Bear!” she snaps at her brother. “Will you calm down and let us handle this?” 

“I just want everything to-,” Carmy begins, his face blushing a shade darker. 

“To go right. We know. And we know we’re just taking out apps, alright? Everyone else is outside, and everyone’s having a good time so just… relax,” she suggests, her tone serious because she’s just about to kick Carmy out of the kitchen. 

Carmy shifts nervously, hyper-fixating on the happenings of the kitchen, his eyes tracking the movements of one of his caterer, Derek’s, sous chefs. It’s almost as if he needs to give himself a distraction as he asks, blankly:

“Do you uh… you think Mom is actually gonna show?”

Sugar pauses, the question throwing her. 

“I… I don’t know. I called her yesterday. She never picked up. What do you think?” she replies, her voice quiet. 

With your encouragement, you and Carmy had sent his mother an invitation to the brunch, only it’s been Sugar who’s followed up with her. 

“We did what we needed to and if she doesn’t come, then she doesn’t come. I’m not pushin’ it,” Carmy had explained, justifying his actions, or rather, lack there of, to you. 

She’s doubtful, but Nat can’t help the tiny glimmer of hope she has in her heart that Donna might show, even if she knows it’s unrealistic. In fact, her mom had barely been interested in stopping by as of late, ever since she’d told the Berzatto matriarch that she was pregnant. She keeps telling herself that it doesn’t matter – that it’s probably better if Donna doesn’t show – but it doesn’t help ease the disappointment she feels about the situation as a whole. 

“Doubt it, honestly. Never even got an RSVP so,” Carmy shrugs, his eyes following one of the caterers as the woman plates a few Hors d'oeuvres on a large serving platter. 

Before Sugar can say anything else about their mom, Carmy’s impulse takes over as he opens his mouth to give feedback to one of Derek’s assistants. 

“Carmy!” she snaps, blocking his pathway with her body, before repeating one more time:

“Let. Us. Handle this.”

“I mean, are any of us actually surprised, Nat?” Sydney adds, as soon as she enters the kitchen from where she’s been outside in the backyard, in search of another plate to bring out. “He’s a control freak! We know this!”

“I-,” Carmy starts, knowing it’s no use protesting, as both Sugar and Syd begin guiding him out of the kitchen and into the living room. 

“C’mon, Carm. Why don’t you go see what your wife is up to?” Sydney suggests, emphasizing your new title, earning a snicker from Natalie. 

“Who’s wife? This wife?” you ask, as soon as your feet hit the bottom of the staircase. 

“Woah,” is all Carmy says. He can’t help but stare, gawking at you in your new dress. 

You’ve changed out of your near-floor length wedding dress into a sleeveless white blazer dress that’s much more friendly to hanging out with your friends and family outside, kept your hair the same, and put on one of those super stay red lipsticks that you’re eager to put through its paces. 

It’s as if time stops when he sees you, and Sugar and Syd both notice, using this time to retreat back to their duties. The only thing that can break his focus right now is the way that you let a carefree laugh fly from your lips, as soon as you see that Natalie’s using the future baby’s baby gate that Nat must’ve purchased early, to officially block Carmy from coming back to the kitchen. 

“What?” Carmy asks, only to be met with a gesture towards what Natalie is doing. 

He frowns, immediately seeing the baby gate his sister has put up. 

“You know, I’m not a baby,” he pouts at his sister. 

“Then stop acting like one!” she parries right back, before disappearing into the kitchen to help out your caterer. 

Quick to console your husband, you wrap your arms around your neck, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. 

“They’re only trying to make sure we have a good time, Bear,” you offer, sympathetically, only to be met with a heavy sigh because you know it feels near-impossible for him not to be in the kitchen. 

“You trust Derek right?” you ask this time, referring to the caterer that Carmy hand-picked for your wedding. 

“Yeah,” he nods. 

“Okay. Then let’s go out there. Make our grand entrance,” you suggest, a playful smile on your lips. 

“Yeah,” Carmy nods again, this time a little more sure about taking a step away from what’s happening inside the kitchen. You take his hand, leading him towards the back door that opens up to the backyard. 

You’re truly amazed at what everyone involved has been able to do this morning, while you and Carmy were off at the courthouse getting married. Long tables pushed together and covered with tablecloths function as the main attraction of the you-and-Carmy-wedding-reception-brunch, filled with ceramic plates, printed menus, apps on serving platters, taper candles and flowers in all kinds of little to big vases. 

The minute the two of you enter the backyard area that’s been transformed into a wedding venue, you’re met with cheers, ooo’s and aaaaah’s, claps, and congratulations by your friends and family. 

“Sugar really knocked this out of the park,” Carmy says, in awe as he takes in the scene. “Okay, fine. I’ll just have to trust, I guess.”

You nod, happy to hear the confidence in his voice as you agree, “That’s my guy!”

There’s a banner that hangs across a much smaller table, the one that holds the stunning wedding cake Marcus has made for you that reads, Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Berzatto.

“See? I told you I couldn’t wait to be Mrs. Berzatto,” you joke with Carmy, as the two of you walk hand in hand towards the table. 

“I think I like the sound of that more than I should,” Carmy smirks, a glimmer in his eyes that says ‘I can’t wait to get you alone.’

“Can’t wait for you to show me later,” you wink, referring to the long weekend you plan on spending with Carmy as a pre-honeymoon. “C’mon. We should probably go say hello.” 

“So… you two married now or what?” Marcus asks, as soon as the two of you approach the table. 

You hold up your left hand, showing off your new ring, earning grins and more cheers from your friends and family. 

“That’s what I’m talking about!” he celebrates, while Tina simultaneously and enthusiastically cries out: “Congratulations, babies!”

The plan is to divine and conquer. While you chat with Gary, Carmy lets himself become enveloped in Tina’s arms and praise, as the two of you make your way down the table saying hello to your guests: your parents, Marcus, Tina, Ebra, Fak, Gary, a few others from the restaurant, while. 

Carmy’s glad you decided to keep this wedding small: close friends and family only, because he’s not sure he could’ve done any more of this. It’s just close friends from the restaurant and your parents. You’d even decided earlier that this weekend would be chill enough that you’d celebrate with Maya and Liz a few months later when you and Carmy stop in New York before the official honeymoon, planning another celebration with your New York people for later. 

Besides, you don’t mind celebrating you and Carmy a few more times, after all. 

Finally, you’re both able to settle into the empty chairs seated right next to your parents in the middle of the table labeled ‘bride’ and ‘groom.’ It’s a Saturday well spent, being celebrated by some of your favorite people in the world on a day you made a promise to your favorite person in the world. It doesn’t take long for everyone in the kitchen to join you at the table: Sugar, Richie, Sydney, and Pete, and once the meal is served, family style, you’re pulling up chairs and insisting that Derek and his team join you as well. 

The menu is perfect, and you can see why Carmy’s been trying to get this guy to come work for him for so long. Next to Carmy’s, this carbonara might be your second favorite carbonara on the planet. After all the eating, drinking, and merry-making, it’s Richie who steps up to start the speeches, gently tapping a butter knife against a champagne glass as he stands at the table. 

“Can I get everyone’s attention?” he asks, his voice loud. Richie raises his champagne glass as he begins his speech with:

“Now as the best man and this Bobby Flay-motherfucker's cousin, I think I earn the right to kick this thing off, eh?” earning a laugh from everyone around the table. 

“To Carmy and his much, much better half,” he continues, earning a laugh from everyone around the table. Your mom squeezes your hand under the table, and out of the corner of your eye you can see Sydney nudging Carmy softly as Richie addresses you. 

“You once made me $150 richer.” You laugh, exchanging a look with your now-husband, as you fondly remember the day you returned to Chicago, only to learn that the entire restaurant staff of The Bear had been betting, not on if, but on when you’d return.

“You see, we all took bets – all of us – that you were comin’ back after that first week you spent here in Chicago, and you know why? I think it was obvious to any jagoff with a pair of eyes that what you and Cousin had was something special – something not to be missed, or overlooked, or skipped over. And thank God you two idiots woke up and figured it out yourselves. You did good, cousin. And I know your brother would’ve wanted to be here for this. I love you, man. I love you both.”

“To this very special day, and to the rest of your lives. Cheers.”

“Cheers!” everyone repeats, raising their glasses, clinking in celebration. 

The upside to having a small wedding party is having a small wedding party, and the downside is that everyone who feels the need to get in a word does so. While Ebraheim waxes on about love as a metaphor, Marcus keeps his toast short, leading to the cutting of your wedding cake:

Vanilla bean cake, with a clementine curd, a swiss meringue buttercream, decorated with delicate flowers, citrus, and dollops of curd to finish. 

Richie slips out with Pete momentarily, earning a few quizzical looks from both Carmy and Nat as she gets up from the table to make sure they’re not trading punches in the driveway. It’s not till Richie returns with Pete, carrying a rented little karaoke machine for Ava. Hand in hand, you watch as Natalie guides Ava up and out of her chair, and over to the head of the table, handing her the microphone. 

“You ready, sweetheart?” she asks, earning a confident nod from Ava. 

The beginning of the famous Taylor Swift begins to play, and you and Carmy exchange a knowing look as she begins to sing along. 

“we were both young when i first saw you i close my eyes and the flashback starts i'm standin' there on a balcony in summer air.”

As Natalie and Pete watch on, Pete hugs his wife close to her, tears in his eyes as he whispers: 

“This is going to be us very, very soon.” 

“Yeah,” Nat nods, holding back her own tears as she notices how proud Richie looks, and how happy Ava seems to be. 

It’s not that she wants Donna here. Realistically, she knows that it would be a nightmare, most likely descending into drama and chaos from the minute she walked in, but she can’t believe that her own mother didn’t come to her son’s wedding. She shouldn’t be surprised, but it hurts more than she imagined, doing this, watching Carmy get married, having this baby with Pete, all without her. 

Ava finishes her Taylor Swing song to a resounding and enthusiastic round of applause. Marcus cheers her on while you and Carmy share a soft, chaste kiss, welcoming Ava with open arms as she runs towards you. 

“That was so good, baby,” Richie exclaims, when it’s his turn to scoop Ava up into his arms as you get out of your seat. Allowing Richie to sit next to Carmy while the two gush over her performance, you get up, eager to help put the karaoke machine away. 

As she watches, Nat reminds herself that this is what family looks like – this is the family she wants for her baby – even if it means something, someones, are missing.

And it’s as if she can’t hold back her tears anymore, excusing herself as she jerks her body away from Pete’s grasp, hurrying back inside so as not to cause a scene. 

“What just-?” Pete begins. 

“I’ll go,” you assure him, having witnessed the whole interaction. “I-, it’s not you, Pete. I’ll go.”

It doesn’t take you long to find Nat, though she’s not where you expected her to be, having run all the way upstairs when you find her sitting on the floor of the baby’s nursery – one you helped paint and get ready over a month ago. 

“Hey, everything alright?” you ask, as you gently push the door open. 

“Yeah, no, I’m fine,” she sniffles, wiping tears out of her eyes as she realizes she’s no longer alone. 

“Nat, what… what’s going on?” you ask her, joining her on the floor. 

But it seems as if your question only makes it worse as her face crumbles once more, beginning to cry. 

“Oh no! I-, Nat, sweetie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it even worse.”

“No, no, you didn’t. It’s just these… stupid pregnancy hormones!” she exclaims, frustratedly, earning a small laugh from the both of you. 

She takes a beat, and then a breath, and then finally, she feels ready to tell you. 

“It’s Mom,” she admits, even though she really doesn’t want it to be. “I just can’t believe she didn’t show. It’s stupid, I know.” 

You nod in understanding, before scooting a little closer to her, “It’s not stupid! And I’m sorry. For the both of you, really. Carmy doesn’t want to talk about it but, I know he’s some combination of relieved and disappointed too.” 

Sugar sighs, “Yeah that uh, that sums it up pretty well. About anything involving Mom these days.” 

Nat takes another breath, and another beat, because she knows she’s safe to share this with you. 

“I just… I’ve just been thinking a lot… with the baby and everything. About family. About motherhood. I mean, your parents are so great and I-. I’m just sad for us, you know?”

“I’m sad for you too,” you empathize, rubbing soothing circles on her back, before leaning back on both of your hands instead. 

“God, I’m so sorry. It’s your wedding day and I’m causing all the drama,” Nat begins to apologize. 

“Oh, you have nothing to be sorry for!” you interrupt her, quick to dismiss any notion of that. “You lent us your house and put together all of this in your backyard on top of accompanying us to the courthouse! You have nothing to apologize for.”

Sugar nods slowly, processing what you’ve just said, realizing that you and Pete have been such big role models of unconditional love for her. 

“Wanna know what I think?” you ask, your voice a little more optimistic this time. 

“What’s up?” she asks back, stealing a glance your way. 

“I think… that now that I’m a Berzatto… and with your little Bear on the way,” you begin, painting her the picture. “We’ve got a whole new chance to write a new chapter for the Berzattos.” 

She looks your way once more, because these are the words she didn’t know she needed to hear. 

“And with that… we can make this… make our families anything we want them to be filled with love, and joy, and-, well, only a little drama because you know, you guys are… you. But… Sug. This can all start with us, you know?”

“You really think so?” she asks you, a hopeful look in her eyes. 

“Yeah,” you answer, confidently. 

She nods slowly once more, almost as if she’s letting herself believe them. 

“Thank you. For checking in on me. For… this,” she says softly, sniffling again. 

“That’s what sisters are for,” you repeat her words back to her, one’s that she’s said to you time and time again. 

“We should probably get back out there,” Sugar suggests, sitting up a little taller this time. 

“Yeeeaaaaahhhhh,” you sigh, disappointedly, this time making a joke as you continue with: “We don’t want to start any rumors about us running away together. 

Nat snorts with laughter, thanking you for always making her laugh, as you stand up, making your way to your feet. You hold out your hands, helping Nat up to hers this time, before the two of you head back downstairs. 

“Hey,” Carmy says, as soon as he sees the two of you. “Pete said you disappeared.”

“We were just talking about some stuff,” you reply, sharing a look with Sugar before releasing her hand. 

“I’ll leave the two of you to it,” she says, before slipping out through the back door. 

“Everything okay?” Carmy asks, his brow knitted together in concern. 

You nod, “Yeah, she’s alright. How’re you doing?”

“Today? I’m the luckiest man in the world,” he replies, a smile on his lips that makes you melt. 

“Damn right you are,” you reply, pressing your lips against his. 

It’s a private moment for just you two, where you can kiss him like you want to, and you have to admit that the lipstick holds up. Wrapping your arms around his neck as his hands go to your waist, you propose a grand idea to your husband:

“Now that cake has been cut… what do you say… we spend a little more time with our guests, say our goodbyes… then we get our honeymoon started early? Think uh… our room at the Langham should be ready by now.”

“Thought we already did that this morning,” Carmy smirks, kissing you again. 

You giggle, leaning your forehead against his, “You know what I mean, jerk.” 

Carmy scoffs, shaking his head incredulously as he feigns hurt, “Married for a few hours and you’re already insulting me.” Instead of adding anything else, he simply pulls you in closer by your hips murmuring against your lips:

“Alright then, Mrs. Berzatto. Then let’s go say goodbye to our guests.”

“it's a love story, baby, just say, "yes" – taylor swift, ‘love story’

[sincerelylea]

2:17 am. angel dust. when you wipe your tears do you wipe them just for me?

bff angel series.

mdni i block.

you hadn’t really been keeping up with what time it might be, it sort of felt like hours, sort of felt like minutes. you couldn’t really determine the way time felt, but it never really mattered here. here was timeless, and you’d forget about it too. until the next time you could do this. 

it was always pink in his room. pink and purpley. and music was always going - soft music. the kind he really only liked to listen to with his closest of friends- “sad girl pop!” you smiled to him, eyes softly wrinkled as you looked up. “sad girl pop? what the fuck are you talkin’ about?” he crosses his second set of arms, the ones closest to his waist, and the other are set firmly at his hips. “this genre… it’s kinda… sad? nostalgic? but it has a sweet beat. it just… reminds me of being a girl.” you shrug. to you it was easy. his brow softly furrows, but he has nothing else to say. you were just you. he wouldn’t understand it but he’d always like you. 

“-wipe them just for me.” you sing softly, back pressed to his plushy mattress and blankets. gently your eyes close. the scent of nail polish has been in the air for about 15 minutes as he coats his nails for the second time. when you roll to your side, eyes opening and focusing on his hunched frame, his gaze focused keenly on his task at hand, you smile gingerly. “need some help? you have a lot of ground to cover.” you motion with your head to his second set of hands, his thumb swipes into his cuticle where he’s overpainted. 

he doesn’t lift his gaze, and takes a second to respond. “i can do them on my own just fine, babes! don’t you worry.” he says matter of factly, always so determined - brow furrowed and corners of his mouth set with pride. 

you chuckle, pushing your weight up to scoot closer to him. “silly, let me help you.” you grab the red shade from his bag of polishes, shaking and tapping it against your palms to ensure it’s thoroughly mixed before starting. he rolls his eyes and smacks his lips quietly before dramatically shoving his hand to you, wrists bent and fingers splayed. you guide his palm to rest on your knee before unscrewing the cap and hunching over to focus deeply on your work. 

“val wanted red right?” you ask once more, head snapping up to meet his gaze before truly starting. angel nods, gently dabbing his cuticle with his opposite ring finger to ensure his linework was nice, “yeah, he wanted black and red. has a thing for that whole dominatrix thing right now?” he rolls his eyes and shrugs, defeated. “isn’t this your like…” you swipe your first streak of blood red only his thumb, a soft uncomfort already growing in your back from your position. “third dominatrix phase with him? or something?” the song changes and you softly hum to it’s intro. 

“try more like twenty-third, sugar. it’s old but-” he sighs, lifting both hands out wide to admire his handy work, his nails a glossy rich black. “it is kinda fun!” his voice has a oscillating playfulness to it - swinging and dancing tone, as angel’s typical. “i gotta say, i get the appeal of being a sexy powerful woman.” he smirks, leaning back into his palms as his other stays diligently on your knee. you chuckle quietly, moving onto his middle finger. 

“speaking of val, how’s it been with him lately?” you ponder, your fingers pushing a stray hair past your ear to keep it out of the polish painted daintily on your friend’s fingertips. 

angel’s head lulls back, face to the ceiling as he sighs in thought. “you know how it typically is. he’s a pain in my fuckin’ ass. something new every day, he’s never pleased, and he won’t leave me the fuck alone when i’m here.” he softly blows on his nails, checking to make sure no errors have disrupted his pant job. “needy fuckin bastard.” he scowls, eyes rolling. 

“let’s just kill him.” it was hard not to fight the smile daring to stretch across your face. when you finish with his hand he lifts his palm from your knee and sets the other on your other knee, lifting his eyes to look over the new wash of red. his eyes don’t change, his gaze doesn’t falter. he just looks over them like… they’re there. 

“oh yeah, sure. let’s just waltz in and kill my boss. perfect. easy.” he grins, leaning back into his palms. you gently flick his wrist with your forefinger before continuing your task at hand. 

it’s quiet now. just the soft sound of similar soft pop tunes playing from his stereo across the room, a few open cd cases open on the floor, the next cd resting on the top of his pink speaker. when the silence truly takes over, he’ll waltz over and pop it in. a few snacks lay open on his bed, you eye the gummy worms and make an executive decision to take a few when you’re done. a purple ashtray sits on the ledge of the cracked window. it’s a chilly night, his curtains sway a bit with every breeze. fat nuggets snuggled on one of your cardigans you pulled from your overnight bag, little hooves sprawled as he dozes. 

for a moment, in your focus, you almost forget he’s there. the silence isn’t awkward - it feels really good. safe. 

your lips part before you speak, thinking for a second about what you’re about to say but you decide to say it without thinking a moment more. 

“you make me feel happy to be a girl.” you finish his pinky, raising your posture to stretch your back before turning to his first hand that has returned to your knee. “like… safe.” you explain further. 

and of course, you’re full of these sappy sentimental phrases he never knows what to say back to. you’ve been this way your entire friendship. you always keep him on his toes, saying this type of shit. and you know he’ll never know what to say but you also know he understands.

“there you go saying that sentimental shit- you know i never know what to say back!” he points an accusatory finger at you, all worked up because he can’t think of anything to say back, he never does. and you’re the one person that can keep him on his toes. the last person that deserved to be here, and full of so much genuinity he doesn’t know what to do with it. 

you chuckle, all wrinkly smiled and cute crescent eyes as you begin with his second coat on his first hand. sometimes you wondered if he felt the same way with you, safe. you assumed so, and for a second you think it silly to doubt your friendship like that. but you can’t help but wonder. you always tried to be a good friend, a safe space, for nights like these and drunken nights at bars and gossip-filled text messages and phonecalls spent crying in the shower while the phone rested on the sink. if it just meant to have someone there. 

“you don’t have to say anything, silly. i just like to keep you on edge.” it’s followed by a short maniacal chuckle, you’re now on his middle finger again. 

“well,” he sounds frustrated. like he’s trying to work out his own emotions in his head but can’t quite get them out to match how fast he wanted to speak and vomit them out. you deserved something genuine, but he couldn’t quite decide if that’s who he was anymore. “i’m glad you feel safe with me.” he finishes, kind of prissy and stunted. his first set of arms crossed over his chest. 

you smile gently. of course he sees it. 

when you’re finished with his nails, leaving him to be patient as they dry, the cd ends and he rises from the bed, adjusting his cropped tank top with newly painted nails. the new album is from the same artist, your head bops along to her soft voice. you steal the gummy worms. 

when you both grow tired, and not many more words are being shared between you. you lay across from him in his bed and bring your knees closer up to you, face buried in your phone until you yawn. fat nuggets has settled on the pillows above your heads, softly breathing. music still played quietly from the speakers, you’d both wake up to the silence of the end of the album. 

“what color would you paint them if you had the choice?” you asked softly, plugging in your phone and leaving it under your pillow. 

he looks to you from the side, laying on his back. he rolls over, his phone plopped in his arms as he curls them under his head, eyes focused and brow pointed in thought. 

“pink.” his tired voice rings. tired eyes getting droopy. 

“i’d paint them pink.” 

he felt safe. you weren’t sure why you doubted that before.

[popentertainmentconcertreviews]

Ricky Montgomery – Jannus Live – St. Petersburg, FL – October 26, 2024

Ricky Montgomery made his return to Florida, continuing his electric “One Rick to Rule Them All” Tour at the wonderful outdoor venue Jannus Live in St. Pete. Florida fans were thrilled for such a special night of live music. Judging by the long and energetic line to get into the show, I knew I was in for such a spectacular show. Eager to sing the night away, fans filled up Jannus Live for Montgomery’s arrival. While enjoying a cool fall night in Florida, fans laughed and smiled amongst each other waiting for this wonderful night to begin.

This special Saturday night was heating up as Ricky took the stage. Opening his set with “A Line Without a Hook,” a song from his first album Montgomery Ricky, he instantly captivated the crowd. At one point, coming into the crowd jumping on the barricade, he got up close and personal with his fans. Smiling from ear to ear they all danced and sang until they couldn’t anymore. The fans went wild and sang their hearts out, especially to Ricky’s hits like “My Heart Is Buried In Venice,” “Snow,” and “Mr. Loverman.”

With just Ricky himself appearing on stage at the beginning, he eventually unveiled his amazing band, sharing the stage together. His presence onstage was electrifying and magnetic. There wasn’t a quiet moment from the second he came out on stage until the close of the show. So many people gravitate towards his music, leaving the show in complete awe and on a high.

Talking to many fans before the show, they told me just how amazing Ricky was live. A few fans told me they have been to seven to eight shows this tour alone. That truly shows just how dedicated his fans are. Ricky is a natural superstar, his wonderful stage presence captivating the crowd and showing you just how much he loves doing this. There’s no doubt that Ricky’s fans are the best out there. Singing every song word for word, they passionately sang and danced the night away. I am very thrilled to see how he continues to grow as an artist, as well as watching his fanbase continue to grow.

Ricky himself attracts many humans who love life and good music. He brought an energy that was so vibrant and full of life, while also creating a safe space where everyone could laugh, cry, sing, and be whoever they wanted to be at that moment. Based on my first impression, this tour is not one you want to miss. With only three shows left in his tour across North America, he continues to make his shows a night people will never forget. If you can catch him at a show, I highly recommend it. Make sure to give him a follow on all social media platforms @rickymontgomery and give his discography a listen. I promise you won’t regret it!

Hayley Mathis

Copyright ©2024 PopEntertainment.com. All rights reserved. Posted: October 27, 2024.

Photos by Hayley Mathis © 2024. All rights reserved.

[internet-girl-friend]

Sega Saga

7:49am - Sep 28

I truly do not have a minute to spare, but now that I have started blogging I can't stop. Something about living alone maybe. Anyway, today is moving day. I must transfer my entire life from the West End to East Van and make it to Fortune for Sega Bodega at 10pm. Wish me and my extremely generous friends luck.

October 2 aside

Okay, so I have not had wifi at my apartment (I still don't; I am, once again, writing this from my day job) and have not had the chance to write the rest of this post until now -- so so sorry to all five of you.

Back to September 28

After spending the entire day moving and cleaning my old apartment I was finally ready to take a few hours to get hot for the show. I showered, conceptualized fits, responded to all my ignored texts, and started my makeup when a text from Allison arrived.

"The show is at 7." It was 7:15.

We thought the show was at 10, but TicketWeb even sent a reminder email that it was an early one. FUCK. At least this time we weren't committing our typical faux pas of arriving much too early.

I threw on my uniform (black skirt, tights, plain black top, leather jacket) and left for the show with wet hair. My fit was so boring and my hair was such a mess that I had no choice but to wear my tits as accessories.

I was so frantic, you'll never guess what I forgot. My fucking camera. So all the pictures you'll see were taken by me on Allison's camera or by Allison herself.

We got there in time to see a couple songs from the opener, Lexc Stacy, and he was really sick but much higher energy than Sega Bodega, so I was thrown off by the choice. I find that electronic(-leaning) shows in Canada prioritize both sets being independently Cool over developing and maintaining energy in the room like they do in The Netherlands (where I lived (and partied) briefly). I like to think of building a setlist for electronic shows as curating vibes or like, interior designing more than it is about showcasing how fire the contents of your USB are -- but what do I know? I don't DJ, I just fuck 'em.

I saw a weird number of people I know at the show (as a transplant, this doesn't happen to me often) and the audience was COOL AND HOT AND SEXY and age appropriate. Needless to say I felt way more aligned with the audience at this show than I have at the last couple (haha). Everyone was vaguely alien-looking.

Sega Bodega's set had markedly bad sound issues and I really felt for him. Having the audio fuck up for a show where the vocals are so delicate and the production is so aggressive is detrimental. But I was thrilled regardless. People had great concert etiquette and seemed to really be there For The Music.

There was a really touching moment where Sega introduced Um Um (a heartfelt song about SOPHIE) and everyone fell silent except to sing along and no one took their phones out despite it being an obvious fan favourite. There are few moments at shows I feel I could cry (and have cried) during but hearing this live was one of them.

My brother described Sega Bodega in San Francisco as "a ghostly illusion," and I agree. There was so much fog that I kept losing track of where he was on stage but the effect was fitting, him seemingly materializing in new locations. But also, literally not a single photo I took worked out (which is slightly unsurprising given that I am used to using my own camera and don't really know how Allison's works).

The light show was magnificent and fit each song perfectly. At one point he mixed clips of SOPHIE's "It's Okay To Cry" and the lights flashed manically between red and white and the crowd warmed up and danced tons. By the time his set was done everyone wanted more.

Allison said the concert was bad and while I enjoyed it, I can understand why she thinks so. If I weren't as big a fan as I am I'd likely have been underwhelmed to no fault of Sega Bodega. My one wish is that I'd been in the pit.

He played no encore, but we collectively begged. The sound guy didn't turn the house music on or the house lights up quickly enough and it felt like an evil tease. If the audio guy was a house tech I hope that it was just an off night, otherwise, I hope he has good transferrable skills...

Allison and I met a really cool woman out front of Fortune who had friends who helped organize the following show, SadBoi. The Cool Girl mentioned that there was another party at Red Gate happening later. Had I not been exhausted and feeling ugly and mildly grumpy I'd have let the night take its course -- fun exists here if you chase it and have the chance to do your hair beforehand.

Cost Breakdown

One tall can @ Fortune: $12.00

Frantic Uber ride: $8.00

Ticket: $20.00

Total cost: $40.00

1 note = 1 prayer that I make rent next month <3

[thenighthouse]

Aftersun (2022) and grieving what's still there

I'd been saving (read: avoiding) Aftersun because I knew it would make me cry a lot. I knew it portrayed a father/daughter relationship, and that's also a theme that leaves me in shambles. Yeah, no. Nope. I could never be prepared for the reality of what I experienced.

It feels disingenuous to write about something I don't even want to call a movie. Aftersun was like a memory to me — the kind that isn't mine, but one that I lived through in other ways, other places, with someone else. It was the most heartwrenching, painful, beautiful, spiritual experience I've had watching a movie.

Aftersun is perfect because, in its simplicity, the very subject of the film can either ride on or get lost in the viewer's experiences and sensitivities. As someone who's struggled with mental illness from a very young age, as well as been surrounded by people with the same struggles for that long as well, the way we slowly see more and more of Calum's depression was jarring.

The scene where Sophie speaks about being so sad after a good, fulfilling day was when I went "oh." I't such a relatable feeling, why does he seem so taken aback, so worried? So guilty? Oh.

And as we slowly see more of his disdain for himself (crossing the street without looking, standing on the railing), it hurts even more to see how present he is with Sophie. He lives for her! Why would he care about himself when he could dedicate himself to her? Granting her time in the sun, protection, food, live music, a carpet she'll get to keep forever. Why would he care?

I can't help but wonder if part of his hurt was due to how much she openly loved him. Sophie loved her father very loudly. When you loathe yourself, it's very hard to fathom why or how someone else would even look at you, much less like you... love you? That’s ridiculous.

"Happy birthday, Dad."

"Sing for my dad's birthday."

"It’s fine, Dad. No big deal."

The juxtaposition of all the strangers singing happy birthday to Calum (lead by Sophie) and Calum crying, retching alone in the hotel room was genuinely terrifying to me. The whole movie, actually, it's like I was there, a fly on the wall watching helplessly as Calum's pain ate him up from the inside out. Knowing Sophie would eventually be left with a gaping hole in the shape of her dancing, smiling father.

There's truly no words that could ever make this movie justice. I feel like I’m grieving.

The resentment in Adult Sophie’s eyes throughout all her scenes is fascinating because it’s also recognition. She’s sifting through her memories of her dad and picking up on things she now, unfortunately or not, understands. Stuff she feels as well.

I haven't spoken to my father for 6 years. He knows nothing about me, who I am, who I grew up to be. I had just turned 21. I hated him for a long, long time — long before we even cut ties. He made many bad choices, said many terrible things, hurt a lot of people.

I’m 27 now. I don’t know who he is anymore either. As I finished the movie, I felt at peace with him for the first time.

[womenareonline]

The 1975 still...at their very...

I was going to be on a low budget. I knew this when I bought the tickets. I knew maybe I would have to sell them. But I didn’t. I booked the low-cost plane train and hotels. 

And I am so glad I did. A day in Madrid and a day in Paris. 

I met some people in the line who were also alone. That’s the thing about seeing niche smallish artists. To quote Matty “They are the biggest band no one has ever heard of”. Every time someone asked me who I was seeing they were like: Who? It was so funny because the place was packed. 

I’m writing this as a journalistic chronicle which I low-key hate.

I wanted to talk about music, art, and live music. I wanted to talk about that feeling you get when you’re surrounded by people who are there for the same purpose. Because you all love the same music. All of us dress in black, Doctor Martens, converse, and vans. Rectangles everywhere.  This was my third time seeing The 1975 but my first time outside a festival and everyone is right. Their shows are insane. It’s not only the band's energy but everyone around you. All the people around you just get it. They understand all this music. We had this bond who just got this music and what it all meant.  

I’m sure you’ve seen online all the viral shit that goes on at shows. There is still a lot of uncertainty about what it all means. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that the show is a whole experience. The theater and movie themes. The media consumption themes. 

It's also of course about the music. The magnetic music. I don’t get it when people say it all sounds the same because you can have a punk rock song like People and then an acoustic almost country one like The Birthday Party (my favorite one). I could go on about the 1975 music production (thanks George Daniel). But hearing their music live is also a whole ocuurance. They don’t miss for a second, and they transmit this beautiful energy that just either gets you dancing or moves you. I used to hate TOOTIMETOOTIME but it’s truly such a fun experience live. Everyone just gets dancing and screaming the lyrics. And they make that, The 1975 does that.

If I have to note some of my favorite moments: 

- When Matty gets on the roof and sings probably one of the most heartbreaking songs ever “Me”. There is something very heartbreaking to hear him sing “Oh I was thinking about killing myself, don’t you mind?” On top of a roof where you can barely make up his face. I did cry the second night I saw them. 

- The 1975 are known for mixing up their setlist, it’s a surprise every time you see them. Hearing So Far It’s Alright (which for me is a masterpiece of songwriting from Matty) which I did not expect in Paris was truly a great experience. I also got a sneaky You and Chocolate in Madrid which also surprised me.  

- When I saw the Paris date I was like “They have to play Paris there", which is one of my favorite songs of all time. Of course, they did (tbh Matty Healy is such a troll that I wouldn’t put it past him to not include it). That was another moment I cried a bit because that was the moment I realized how worth it all was. I realize that getting on that flight, and spending my money on this when I’m struggling a bit, was so worth it. When my plane was moving a lot that day all I could think was “Oh my god, why am I doing this?” And at that moment I realized why. Because I wanted this experience. I wanted to listen to Paris in Paris, one of my favorite songs in one of my favorite cities. I booked the plane tickets and hotel after I saw a tweet one day that said: “Not once in my life did I regret spending money on an experience (a trip, concert, a nice dinner, etc.) be the money always comes back but this is what life is about”. I just realized at that moment why I was there. Why I spent my money on this for this exact moment.

- Before they played Paris (which is about drugs) Matty gave a very good speech about the trouble of drugs and letting us all know he has been clean from heroin for 5 years and the crowd cheered. The beautiful and overwhelming feeling when a few minutes later he sings “as the crowd cheers for an overdose”. That was a very heart-wrenching moment. We are all proud and happy for you, Matty

I get PCD (post-concert depression) but I get post-concert happiness. Where in those moments and a few days afterwards I get this feeling of happiness of being alive. Like I get to be alive at the time as all these performers. I get to do all this stuff and see all these beautiful shows and listen to this music live. I realize being alive it’s very much worth it because of all these feelings. I realize it’s fine to spend money on this thing when you are going to feel this joy and experience all these overwhelming beautiful feelings. So book the flight and get those concert tickets.

[rueistired]

Key character moments in Heartstopper Vol 1 by Alice Oseman

I hadn’t stumbled across Heartstopper (2016) by Alice Oseman before now, which is a crying shame really.

I will be covering three key moments within Volume 1 that drive home the text’s characterisation and themes in a clear and reader friendly way (with trigger warnings for more touchy subjects). Shai Rudin reminds us that Young Adult/Problem Literature has had a specific role since the post WWII era, which is “is to show young adults that they are not alone in dealing with such problems,” (3) and that is something I believe Heartstopper (Oseman, 2016) does extremely well.

Starting off in section 1-9 (page 70) Ben asks Charlie to meet him in the music block after rugby practice. The following scene depicts Ben continuously ignoring Charlie’s autonomy and when he wasn’t getting his way proceeds to assault Charlie by forcibly kissing him. This encounter shows a serious problem/conflict that Charlie is dealing with, one that many people of all genders/sexual identities deal with daily, making the character more relatable for readers. It also plays a role in forging Charlie’s bond with Nick, who saves him from Ben’s assault, into something stronger.

The second key moment begins in 2-11 (177) and continues into 2-12, is during movie night. Nick has been catching feels, but this is the moment where he consciously realises it. He thinks about holding hands, kissing, with Charlie as the other boy snoozes beside him. He begins going through gay/bi panic and begins truly questioning his sexuality.

The relatability and grounded nature of Heartstopper really sings in this section and despite having little to no dialogue, clearly depicts Nick’s conflict as he wrestles with his feelings. With nothing more poignant as when he googles ‘Am I gay?’ in 2-12 (190).

The final key moment is the complexity of the boy’s first kiss starting in 2-18 (240). Charlie’s risky flirtation that leads up to it builds tension beautifully and their first kiss feels earned after months of dancing around each other. And then that moment ends, the awkwardness of it all surges back and Nick’s continued uncertainty pushes him to leave when called by another friend. Leaving Charlie alone and clearly feeling vulnerable which is shown excellently in the artwork and his final words of the chapter. “I’m sorry.” (263)

These three moments/scenes solidify the struggles each character is dealing with within the text and gives us a better understanding of who they are in context to the story being told and add more depth to the boys.  

References

Oseman, Alice. Heartstopper: Volume 1 (2019). Hodder Children's Books. London.

Rudin, Shai. ‘The Genre of the Middle Grade Graphic Problem Novel’ in New Review of Children's Literature & Librarianship (2022). Volume 28, Issue 1-2, pp. 86-105.

[inevitablemoment]

The Aquinnah Chronicles Playlist (so far-- will be updated)

i. a sorta fairytale (tori amos)

like a good book // i can't put this day back // a sorta fairytale with you

ii. the shoop shoop song [it's in his kiss] (linda ronstadt)*

does he love me? i wanna know // how can i tell if he loves me so?

iii. paper rings (taylor swift)

i like shiny things // but i'd marry you with paper rings

iv. dog days are over (florence + the machine)

happiness hit her like a train on a track // coming towards her, stuck still, no turning back

v. running up that hill [a deal with god] (kate bush)

if i only could // i'd make a deal with god // and get him to swap our places

vi. running up that hill [epic version] (samuel kim)

no lyrics

vii. romeo and juliet (dire straits)

the dice was loaded from the start // and i bet, when you exploded into my heart

viii. journey to the past (christy altomare)

heart, don't fail me now // courage, don't desert me // don't turn back now that we're here

ix. magic to do (patina miller, pippin 2013 revival cast)

journey, journey to a spot ex // 'citing, mystic and exotic // journey through our anecdote revue

x. corner of the sky (matthew james thomas)

so many men seem destined to settle for something small // but i won't rest until i know i'll have it all // so don't ask me where i'm going // just listen when i'm gone // and far away, you'll hear me singing softly to the dawn

xi. ocean away (barlow & bear, ft. darren criss)*

am i the one to blame // when we're dancing in the same room // but you're an ocean away

xii. shy (sarah jessica parker)

can't you guess // that this confident air // is a mask that i wear // 'cause i'm shy?

More under the cut

xiii. doll on a music box/truly scrumptious reprise (sally ann howes & dick van dyke)*

you cannot see // how much i long to be free // turning around on this music box // that's wound by a key

xiv. elaborate lives (adam pascal & heather headley)

we all live such elaborate lives // wild ambitions in our sights // how an affair of the heart survives // days apart and hurried nights

xv. feels like this (maisie peters)

uncover secrets // treasure hunting days away // stumbling on diamonds // i'm speechless and blown away

xvi. salvation (gabrielle aplin)

i never meant to fall for you // but i was buried underneath // and all that i could see was white

xvii. medicine (james arthur)

you're my bulletproof vest when it's getting dangerous // always make me feel blessed // you're my guardian angel

xviii. love alone (katelyn tarver)

it's on the line // i'm waiting for a sign // i see it in your eyes, i // i know you really feel the same

xix. another op'nin', another show (kiss me, kate 2019 cast)

another job that you hope, at last // will make your future forget your past // another pain where the ulcers grow

xx. shall we dance? (kelli o'hara & ken watanabe)

shall we dance? // on a bright cloud of music // shall we fly?

xxi. i'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair (kelli o'hara & ensemble)

don't try to patch it up // tear it up, tear it up // wash him out, dry him out // push him out, fly him out // cancel him and let him go

xxii. strangers like me (tammy tuckey)

i want to know // can you show me // i want to know about these strangers like me

xxiii. simple joys (patina miller)

sweet summer evenings // hot wine and bread // sharing your supper, sharing your bed // simple joys have a simple voice // that says "why not go ahead?"

xxiv. morning glow (matthew james thomas & ensemble)

morning glow all day long // while we sing tomorrow's song // never knew we could be so strong // but now it's very clear // morning glow is almost here

xxv. i won't say i'm in love (carrie hope fletcher)

if there's a prize for rotten judgement // i guess i've already won that // no man is worth the aggravation

xxvi. illicit affairs (taylor swift)

don't call me kid, don't call me baby // look at this godforsaken mess that you made me // you showed me colors you know I can't see // with anyone else

xxvii. you belong with me (taylor swift)

i remember you driving to my house // in the middle of the night // i'm the one who makes you laugh // when you know you're about to cry

*Version not available on Spotify

[hellogorey]

Something I've never talked about is my autism spectrum disorder -- I don't think I consider a consider a disorder but -- I have one.

I really never really realized it until it was assigned. I looked back historically: funny, sad, could have done differently. But who have of have of can't can't say that?

I have specific incidents. Very special memories in Catholic school, which is the perfect place for place for *spec* kids lol

Tip 1: Never send them to school where they where they don't know how to get to out of get clothing, pee themselves, and are punished by nuns. Or or anyone, for that matter.

Tip 2: Always pack your spep kid's lunch. Because a spec kid will pack a "four bump bottom" apple, eat the four bumps, and hope someone hates their hot lunch cake. I did this for a year.

Tip 3: Sometimes they need to wear headphones. Do not criticize their music. Do not criticize if they are badly singing to a song you hate. Sometimes dancing helps; again don't be a dick.

Tip 4: Clothes are what you and I have to wear every day. Don't comment on what a spec person wears. It's not nice. 9:10, they don't say anything about your drab clothing, so don't pick on them. Autistic people have possibly the most fun wardrobes and we have two choices: compliment them or leave them alone.

Tip 5: Relationships. I have a great time making them. Easy as heck. But as soon as I say "So I have autism spectrum." It's either a weird curiosity or "that's too hard." I respect that honesty. It is hard. Great things take work.

Tip 6: Self - I love myself. I don't want to be anyone other than myself. I wake up every day and look in the mirror and am truly grateful I am alive and given this experience. I am excited to know what is coming next. There are lows, and I have to be ready for them. I take care of Arabella, Emerson, myself. Stay humble. Realize what is bigger. Appreciate what is smaller constantly.

[tnlbarth-blog]

July 29 2023 - 5:50pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

Despite this past week being the deathiversary of my father I have actually been in a good mood. I know it sounds strange especially since I posted every day this week about him. You would think that maybe I would still be sad. But to be honest I think writing about it really helped. I am not saying I didn't mourn him at all because I did. I cried and everything. But I did that primarily while writing about him here.

This week I spent the time with myself. I did a lot of reflecting. On myself, my father, mother and my past in general. It was much needed and I am glad I did so. I learned a lot about myself and my life as a whole.

I found myself enjoying my music dancing and singing to the songs in my room alone. Laughing and having a good ol' time. I played video games and for once I wasn't using them as an escape. Which for a long time is what I used to do. I watched a remake of a nostalgic anime from my childhood and enjoyed it laughing at it and having a good time.

I think this week I truly embodied what it is like to truly feel grateful for what I have. I haven't been able to do that in a long time.

Since I was a kid I have had to deal with a lot of things that I didn't know how to handle. And I was good at practicing my gratitude but some time in High school I lost that. And after highschool I jumped into an abusive relationship with a diagnosed Sociopath. Then after him I hopped into another relationship with another abusive man. All along being friends with people who lied to me and didn't really like me since middle school.

I had become suicidal in highschool and it progressed up until Christmas Eve 2019. I attempted to end my life and was taken to the hospital where I spent a week in a mental health facility. After I left I made sure to change my life the best I could then the Pandemic happened. And I lost my job and gained the weight back that I had been losing. The Pandemic was hard on me. My fears of leaving my home started to get worse but my brother helped make sure I still left my home. By the end of 2020 though I moved in with my now ex boyfriend's family. Early 2021 I moved out and back in with my family after being bullied and abused by him and his family. Then last year I finally broke up with him and those friends that lied and secretly hated me.

Honestly last year was one of the toughest years I have been through and I would be lying if I said I didn't think about suicide every once in a while. But I never picked anything up to hurt myself and in fact I fought myself on it hard knowing that I wanted to live for once. I was miserable last year and scared. I knew that if I broke up with them my whole life would change. And I had to wrestle with that until the pain got too much to bear.

Since 2019 I'd started working on myself too. I wanted to change. I wanted to be a better person. Before then I had tried but I didn't know where to start but when I was in the mental health facility they gave me resources that pointed me in the right direction.

In 2021 I got into Tiktok which helped improve my mental health and I ended up tripping over a guy who sold a self-help book. And last year I bought it and began to learn from it. I worked hard at going through and working on myself doing the exercises and listening to song recommendations he left in the book for me. I cried a lot. To be honest his book gave me the hope that one day I would be happy again.

And jumping back to today. I have worked so hard on myself. Making sure that I am indeed a truly happens and authentic person. And I celebrate myself every day. I look for proof that I matter. I accept my drawbacks and flaws and make adjustments changing what I can and embracing what I can't.

Today I was so happy. I was out shopping with my brother. We got gas station pizza (which I loved) and at the store they were selling a dad joke book which I read through the store to my brother loud enough for others to hear. And getting laughs and giggles from them.

I wore a crop top today as well. I looked good as a big beautiful woman. I turned heads everywhere I went. And even got the attention of the creeps (I didn't care for those guys.) I got the attention of older ladies too with all their judgment. I think they hated me because I embraced my body while they covered theirs while being much smaller and more "attractive" and socially acceptable than myself. I didn't let it bother me which I think made them even more angry at me.

I have been sitting here after getting home and putting the groceries away thinking about how thankful I am to be where I am right now.

I have been looking back to last year where I thought for sure I was dying or going to die. I was scared all the time and sick because my immune system was reacting to my mental health being in traumadrive and burnout due to my relationship with my most recent ex, the state of the world and my country and my relationship with my ex friends. I was literally going through my own personal hell.

Now even though I only ended those relationships I feel like I am thriving as I continue to wait for myself to get out of burnout. I am still very tired all the time but I am getting better. I have hope now for my future and that is way more than I could think about having last year.

I know that everything will work out for me. It has so far and that is all I need to move forward. I am thankful for what I have now and that is all I need to thrive. I am thankful for my past self who worked so hard to get me here. I am excited to meet my future self tomorrow and the next until my last one. The world may be going to crap but I am happy.

Regards

TNL Barth

[jujurambles-archived]

Beach Day With The JJK Trio

It’s scorching hot here so I wanted to write something summery for my favourite anime trio <3. This is my first time writing for a fandom so bear with me please.

Even though this is SFW, the trio and reader are 21.

Yuuji brings a ton of games with him, like Uno cards and regular cards, he even brings a whole monopoly board along. When will you guys even have time to play monopoly?

But he also brings beach balls and water guns and even a sand castle building kit. He’s like a little kid who’s too excited to go to the beach! *insert Yuuji saying waku waku!!*

Nobara is screaming at Yuuji for ruining her sing-along show on the way to the beach and you and Megumi are thankful for Yuuji but now you have to listen to Nobara screaming instead of singing.

Megumi packs a book to read while he listens to music on his trusty red headphones. And you, Yuuji, and Nobara are like “you can do this stuff at home you should enjoy the beach!!” but he thinks this is how he truly enjoys beach days.

When you arrive in the afternoon , you quickly put down your stuff in the small beach house where you’re staying overnight and quickly run to the beach, but Megumi stays a little, putting everything in its place and then he follows along to join you.

You spend an hour swimming or actually just splashing Yuuji and Nobara and playing with the water guns while Megumi is doing random challenges with himself.

Megumi’s like “how far can I swim using only my legs?” or “how many underwater flips can I do?”.

but he gets bored quickly so he gets out and sits under an umbrella to read his book, and when he sees how happy you guys look he takes a picture or two of you on his phone and his lips curve into a little smile at the thought of how happy he gets when he sees you like this!!

Yuuji, Nobara and you finally get hungry so you get out of the water and head back to the beach house to eat the snacks Yuuji spent the whole morning preparing, and they’re SUPER yummy, just like you expected!!

After that you shower and change and you sit on the balcony drinking beer and playing Uno, but suddenly it turns to a dance party thanks to Nobara’s fire playlist!!

The sun starts setting so you go back to the beach and you and Yuuji work on building the ultimate sand castle that makes kids walking by look at it in jealousy.

Meanwhile Nobara bullied Megumi into taking her pictures for her instagram, poor Megumi :(

Time passes quickly and now it’s dark and there’s a cool breeze. There are very few people around and you can almost only hear the sound of waves crashing on the shore.

You go back to the beach house tired even though you haven’t swum for more than two hours, so you lay down on the bed next to Nobara, while Yuuji falls asleep on the couch next to Megumi who was reading his book but now he fell asleep too.

You wake up at 5:20 am, and you decide to go for a quick swim before you go home, so you change into your swimsuit and when you open the door to head out, Megumi wakes up and says he wants to join you.

You don���t spend a lot of time alone with Megumi, but when you do, you have the greatest conversations, he’s just so comfortable to talk to!!

You were just telling him how happy you are right now, being surrounded by the right people and how grateful you are to have him, Nobara and Yuuji by your side, when you hear Yuuji and Nobara run towards you screaming “YOU TRAITORS!!!” and you can’t help but look at Megumi and tell him “see?” and Megumi just smiles and squeezes your hand while you approach them. You really couldn’t be any happier! 

I did it!! I hope I didn't make many mistakes, and I hope you enjoyed reading these not really headcanons. Your comments and reblogs would mean the world to me! And my ask box is always open if you want to talk!! <3

[neecxle]

Not So Berry Extended

I finished the Not So Berry Challenge but wanted to continue for a few more generations because I adore my family. So I’ve written up my own version of things I want to do and accomplish per generation. Now this is a small extension most likely 3 generations that will be updated as I play. Rules may be subject to change whether that be adding or removing things, bc I am playtesting all of this currently.

If you want to follow and watch my playthrough of my Not So Berry Extended, you can do so HERE. ♥

Hope you enjoy and have fun with it! 

Generation 11: White 

From a young age you grew a fascination with acting, the idea of being able to step away from reality and take on a role of someone else excited you. So with the supportive parents you had, they enrolled you in drama club for the entirety of your school life. You begin to strive for something more, becoming a global superstar actor! With focusing so much on your career, keeping serious romantic relationships is difficult because you always prioritize work over love. You eat, breathe, sleep acting and you were happy keeping it that way. But with a one night stand gone wrong... you find out you are now left with an unplanned child. 

Traits: Self-Absorbed // Music Lover // Non-Committal

Aspiration: Master Actor

Career: Actor

Goals:

enroll in drama club as a child and teen + get promoted to junior artiste (lvl.4)

master acting skill

reach level 5 in singing, dancing and an instrument of your choice

master the actor career and master actor aspiration

become a 5 star celebrity

have at least 1 celebrity best friend

never get married

have a one night stand and “accidentally” get pregnant/impregnate the sim* - this will be your only child

* if you choose to impregnate a sim, once the sim gives birth they give you the child to take care of 

side note: if you don’t have access to custom content feel free to use silver hair in replacement for white and dress them in white if you please

Generation 12: Brown

Growing up in the shadows of your parents spotlight was a little hard on you. Although you knew how much they loved you and tried their best to spend every free moment with you, you still felt...alone. Thankfully being a part of the scouts club gave you a sense of family, which you deeply cherished. Scouts club also made you truly fall in love with the outdoors. Being out in nature didn’t make you feel like you were so alone anymore, which is why camping became something you loved to do. There were tales that in the Deep Woods of Granite Falls a hermit resides away from everyone, so naturally the curious bean you were you had to find out for yourself. Forever alone felt like a motto you started to live by and thought you’d never get married like your parent, but someone finally came along and you were really happy with the way life was heading. Unfortunately down the road things didn’t end up working out. You’ve always secretly had this crazy idea of making a robot best friend since you were a kid. The thought of having a robot who was there for you every waking moment felt like something you needed in your life, so it was time to make a crazy idea… a reality!

Traits:  Loves the Outdoors // Loner // Erratic

Aspiration:  Outdoor Enthusiast

Career:  Gardener

Goals:

join scouts club as a child and teen + get promoted to llamacorn scout (lvl.5)

master outdoor enthusiast aspiration (i give you permission to cheat sleep 5 nights in a tent - it’s quite annoying)

master gardening career (floral designer branch)

master gardening and flower arranging skill

complete the insect collection

have a pet cowplant

master herbalism skill (craft each recipe at least once - 13 recipes total)

master robotics skill and create your robot best friend

have 1 failed marriage and have at least 1 child w/ them

go into the deep woods > meet and befriend the hermit

Generation 13: Black

Ahh books… you love em! You always enjoyed a good read that could take you on a journey in a whole new fantasy world. So naturally starting a book club at school to share your love for reading was the thing to do. Thanks to the club it brought you your best friend, who you later fall in love with and get engaged to. Instead of going off to university like everyone else you got convinced to join the military, but that didn’t last long so you quit and went off to study psychology. Whilst away at uni you discovered the Encyclopedia Vampirica, and got extremely curious about vampires to the point you took a trip over to Forgotten Hollow to find out if they were real. You end up meeting a vampire who you become completely mesmerized with and fall in love so quick as if you were put under a spell. This is where you decide to ask “could I be turned into one?” Without hesitation their teeth sink into your neck and the process of you turning has begun. You decide to drop out of university and call off the engagement because you have fallen for another and want to live out your new vampire life. Becoming a Simlish online teacher was your only option after dropping out of uni, and with working from home you had more time to yourself so you started writing your own books. Unfortunately your job started to feel mundane, so you have the bright idea of running your own business! Not being able to have children has always upset you, but with your new powers creating your own vampire family is only one step away...

Traits:  Bookworm // Cheerful // Insider

Aspiration:  Master Vampire

Career:  Military/ Education/ Business Owner

Goals:

start a book club as a child and meet with them at least once a week

get engaged to your best friend shortly after aging up into a young adult

join the military career reach lvl 5, then quit

go off to university and study psychology - drop out after first semester

fall in love with a vampire and ask them to turn you

break off the engagement after you drop out of university

master bowling, vampire lore, and pipe organ skill

join the education career reach lvl 4, then quit (only work from home)

write and publish at least 5 books

complete the master vampire aspiration

don’t have kids or adopt - instead create a vampire family of sims you turn (at least 2)

run your own business

(optional if you want to end the legacy) burn to death from being exposed to sunlight

If you have decided to end your legacy here, congratulations on completing my not so berry extended! I hope you enjoyed the challenge, if you did, thank you for taking the time to give this a go! 

- Much love, Nicole ♥

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

i'm so excited about you taking asks again ahhhh okay so. if you'd absolutely had to choose. what would be your top 5 cockles moments, and why? thank you ily <3

here’s the thing: there are so many routes i could go down with this, because cockles moments come in all shapes and sizes and formats. these include moments from their panels, their bloopers, the footage we get when they don’t even know they’re being recorded, stories being passed down from photo ops & autographs(one of my personal favorite ways to get cockles, tbh, because they’re all insane), and social media(tweets to each other, instagram posts & comments, etc.). 

SO! since many a list like this has already been made, and i want to stand out from the crowd, what i’m gonna do is definitively give the number one spot to each of these five categories.(i might even throw in honourable mentions because they’re so despicably in love that they warrant that. i really put my whole pussy into this, guys, i hope you’re happy.) 

disclaimer: these are my own personal opinions. but that also means i’m right. so. enjoy. 

number one: top cockles panel moment

so we’re starting off with a bang, because how do you even BEGIN to rank what atrocities jensen and misha commit at jibcon. every single one they’ve had is damning in it’s own right, for different reasons.

however, considering just how much unabashed fuckery they’ve given us to sift through, it’s a good thing i do have a personal favorite despite it all. it’s heartwarming, the sweetest thing i’ve ever seen, AND it’s jarringly cinematic - mainly because it has a whole ass arc to it that was years in the making. it might even be surprising to some people, but my favorite cockles panel moment, and what i consider the one that encompasses their entire gut-wrenching journey from 2008-2013 in the most sweepingly romantic gesture possible, is this one.

i want this burned into my retinas. i am not even joking. when i'm through with my explanation, let me convince you why this is thee most romantic cockles moment of all time.

first, some history: people call this the resume off, but many seem to forget the botched attempt at a resume off a year prior. and yes, you guessed it: it's during their break up. it's a juicy time period for a reason, guys. it came across as exceedingly one-sided and VERY awkward. let me refresh your memory as to just how bad it was, and just how hard jensen was trying and ultimately failing at winning misha over: the funniest part of the whole resume off in 2013??? every joke/bit had literally already been made/done. they were just going through the motions again, but the difference THIS time...is that misha reciprocated jensen's energy. it. is. fascinating. i want to get into it more detail in another post, and i'll link it here when i'm done, but the main takeaway, i think, and the main difference that showcases how much they've grown in a year, is that in jib 3, misha flat out refused to do an accent, and this time around, he indulges jensen for literal minutes. when i tell you they're crazy, they're crazy. i can't wait to actually dive into it later.

ANYWAY, the resume off culminates in this moment here. and, like, a million things happen in this gifset. actually, more like a million and one. the music starts playingneediremindyouthatthesongissingingintherain(h e l p), misha starts dancing, jensen 'perpetually fake grumpy' ackles lets misha think he's not going to join, misha sits down defeated, but no!!! that was jensen's plan all along(look at his stupid fucking smirk) and he offers his arm to his dance partner who immediately grins like a fool, jensen then leads misha into their kick step, they perfectly synchronise and let loose, and are then very clearly having the time of their lives, hanging off of each other with joy and ease. from their expressions alone i can tell that this moment is so. so. so. so! much more than what initially meets the eye. i mean-misha is fighting back the biggest smile i've ever seen. to me, it reads like jensen is offering something to misha, something that misha kind of gave up on expecting, and him offering his arm like that is like, a surprise to him in the best possible way(and it's so not platonic, let me just say that.) as soon as jensen did that, it ushered in a new era of cockles. this panel is jensen and misha's favourite for a reason, and i think this moment is the biggest clue as to why.

whew!!! ok. that took a lot out of me and that was only point one. moving on,

number two: top cockles blooper moment

cockles bloopers hold an extremely special place in my heart, because it shows just how fucking disastrous jensen and misha are. they are so goddamn infatuated with each other that they HOLD UP PRODUCTION ALL THE TIME TO FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER(???). let me repeat. let it sink in. jensen ackles; arguably one of the most professional actors on that show who puts everything he has into each scene, with mountains and mountains of notes to prove it: would rather hold up production to flirt with misha collins. this sounds fake. it's not. he does it. all. the. time. and here's the thing guys!!! i'm gonna let you in on a secret!!! misha loves it. he loveesssss it. on top of that-misha collins: overlooked because he's pranked and people assume he's unprofessional as well, but his only pranks are in retaliation/off-set, and he rarely if EVER causes problems if he can help it....lets himself get carried away when it comes to jensen making kissy faces at him!!! are you actually kidding me!!! i mean. misha. it's just a face. you've seen it a million times. i don't buy that it triggers something in you that strongly....you like it, and you like jensen's reaction. you can't fool me!!! lisa berry's face in that one gifset shows just how fed up the crew is with their gross, coupley boyfriend antics.

i could pull up so many examples. sooooooo many. but my favourite was sealed since the moment i saw it.

i actually already wrote an analysis on it but i can't find it :(((( which SUCKS because i really unpacked the whole thing. i'll try to summarise.

basically, a backstory is part of this too!!! jensen and misha both had a really really hard time with this scene(because it's explicitly romantic there i said it), they sat down for hours and poured over their scripts together, they were super super nervous going into filming, both of them, jensen especially, were super hard on themselves for their performances not being true to their characters but they both complimented the other's work(boyfriend moments fr). so, yeah. they weren't confident going into shooting. and how do they get themselves to feel better???? by cuddling each other, apparently.

a lot. a LOT. happens in this specific blooper. to the point that i saw it years before i knew about cockles and it raised all sorts of flags for me.

1) stop pulling my face towards your crotch(as a thinly veiled request that misha would, in fact, move jensen's face towards his crotch, considering it was jensen moving himself there in the first place. also, why so comfy down there guys???) 2) you're my baby daddy i know(in the most intimate voice i've ever heard please) 3) i know, i know, i love you too i didn't say i love you i know but you wanted to say it etc. misha's right, of course. that's what jensen meant.

it just reeks of comfort, familiarity and intimacy between the two, and it's a moment that is extremely sweet and silly at the same time. they're so <3

number three: top cockles found footage moment

WONDERFUL category. truly the culmination of the cockles experience. many people have said that shipping cockles doesn't work because 'they're just onstage you dummies!! they're playing it up for the audience!!!' here's the thing, love. i could not disagree with you more. once you climb your way up the cockles ladder, you soon learn that they are, in fact, playing their dynamic DOWN, not up. they really are just Like That™, and they could not care less about the paying audience, if we're being honest, considering how much time they take to giggle with each other and refuse to let the audience in on the joke. and i love them for it <3

anyway, my point is that this category is for all you naysayers out there, all you 'jensen and misha's relationship is just for show and is real life queerbaiting'(?????lordhelp???) oh yeah? ok, explain this.

he. he. he calls jensen sweetheart. literally enough said. there's nothing to really add here, except, misha and jared then immediately engage in damage control. jared's method is distraction and misha's is retconning('get out of the car, dude') this was what got me to buy into the cockles dumpster for GOOD good. you don't call your buddy sweetheart accidentally and sound so completely earnest while doing it! especially not when that buddy is jensen ackles!!! you think he would let any of his friends call him that? do you?

one more thing; if it was a slip of the tongue, little mouth thing or whatever, you think jared wouldn't have jumped on it immediately??? i can hear it now. 'did you just call him SWEETHEART???' yeah. that's what i thought. you know why he didn't? because it was too revealing.

number four: top cockles autograph moment

i mean, i think we all know what it's gonna be, and if you don't, well, do i have the piece de cockles resistance that is gonna send you over the edge.

if you haven't heard of this story by now, as a cockles, truther, i'm gonna go ahead and get you to read it, because there is no possible heterosexual explanation for any of it, and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

spoiler alert: it's the story where phones weren't allowed in an auto session, jensen nuzzles himself in misha's hair, leans his full body weight onto him, holds his hand, etc. etc. i'm imploding just repeating this back, actually. also, just, the sheer amount of stories from photo ops where they tackle hug each other or slap each other's asses or sing romantic songs to each other or almost kiss is, frankly, a lot. if i could wish for anything, it would be to witness them in person.

and finally,

number five: top cockles social media moment

this one is super difficult, because there's obviously a lot to choose from. but you know what? full send, i'm going with this one:

i just. what to say about this. how often do misha and jensen watch sunsets together for it to qualify as ‘always’ ??? why are sunsets synonymous with their relationship??? that’s like??? a very romantic thing????? ‘this guy’??? the fact that it’s a CANDID??? i don’t know guys.

that could have been better but i am TIRED so. there you go rose ily

[kcrabb88]

Queer Movies/Books/TV Shows for Pride Month!

Happy Pride everyone!! For your viewing/reading pleasure I have made a (non-exhaustive) list of queer media that I have enjoyed! 

Movies/Documentaries

Pride (2014): An old tried and true favorite, which meets at the intersection of queer and workers’ rights. A group of queer activists support the 1985 miners’ strike in Wales (complete with a sing-through of Bread and Roses + Power in a Union)

Portrait of a Lady on Fire: On an isolated island in Brittany at the end of the eighteenth century, a female painter is obliged to paint a wedding portrait of a young woman (or, two young lesbians fall in love by the sea, and you cry)

God’s Own Country: Young farmer Johnny Saxby numbs his daily frustrations with binge drinking and casual sex, until the arrival of a Romanian migrant worker for lambing season ignites an intense relationship that sets Johnny on a new path (Seriously this movie is GREAT and doesn’t get enough love, watch it! It’s rough but ends happily)

The Half of It:  When smart but cash-strapped teen Ellie Chu agrees to write a love letter for a jock, she doesn't expect to become his friend - or fall for his crush (as in she falls for his crush who is another girl. This movie was so good, and really friendship focused!) 

Saving Face:  A Chinese-American lesbian and her traditionalist mother are reluctant to go public with secret loves that clash against cultural expectations (this is an oldie and a goodie, with a happy ending!)

Moonlight:  A young African-American man grapples with his identity and sexuality while experiencing the everyday struggles of childhood, adolescence, and burgeoning adulthood (featuring gay men of color!)

Carol:  An aspiring photographer develops an intimate relationship with an older woman in 1950s New York (everyone’s seen this I think, but I couldn’t not have it here)

Milk: The story of Harvey Milk and his struggles as an American gay activist who fought for gay rights and became California's first openly gay elected official (the speech at the end of this made me cry. Warning, of course, for death, if you don’t know about Harvey Milk)

Pride (Hulu Documentary):  A six-part documentary series chronicling the fight for LGBTQ civil rights in America (they go by decade from the 50s-2000s, and there is a lot of great trans inclusion in this)

Paris is Burning (Documentary): A 1990s documentary about the African American and Latinx ballroom scene. Available on Youtube!

A New York Christmas Wedding:  As her Christmas Eve wedding draws near, Jennifer is visited by an angel and shown what could have been if she hadn't denied her true feelings for her childhood best friend (this movie is SO CUTE. It’s really only nominally a Christmas movie and easily watched anytime. Features an interracial sapphic couple!) 

TV Shows 

Love, Victor: Victor is a new student at Creekwood High School on his own journey of self-discovery, facing challenges at home, adjusting to a new city, and struggling with his sexual orientation (this is a spin-off of Love, Simon, and it’s very sweet and well done! Featuring a young gay man of color)

Sex Education:  A teenage boy with a sex therapist mother teams up with a high school classmate to set up an underground sex therapy clinic at school (this has multiple queer characters, including a featured young Black gay man and also in season 2 there is a side ace character!) 

Black Sails: I mean, do I even need to put a summary here? If you follow me you know that Black Sails is full of queer pirates, just queers everywhere.

Gentleman Jack:  A dramatization of the life of LGBTQ+ trailblazer, voracious learner and cryptic diarist Anne Lister, who returns to Halifax, West Yorkshire in 1832, determined to transform the fate of her faded ancestral home Shibden Hall (Period drama lesbians!!! A title sequence  that will make you gay just by watching!) 

Tales of the City (2019):  A middle-aged Mary Ann returns to San Francisco and reunites with the eccentric friends she left behind. "Tales of the City" focuses primarily on the people who live in a boardinghouse turned apartment complex owned by Anna Madrigal at 28 Barbary Lane, all of whom quickly become part of what Maupin coined a "logical family". It's no longer a secret that Mrs. Madrigal is transgender. Instead, she is haunted by something from her past that has long been too painful to share (this is based on a book series and it’s got lots of great inter-generational queer relationships!) 

The Haunting of Bly Manor:  After an au pair’s tragic death, Henry hires a young American nanny to care for his orphaned niece and nephew who reside at Bly Manor with the chef Owen, groundskeeper Jamie and housekeeper, Mrs. Grose (sweet, tender, wonderful lesbians. A bittersweet ending but this show is so so wonderful)

Sense8: A group of people around the world are suddenly linked mentally, and must find a way to survive being hunted by those who see them as a threat to the world's order (queers just EVERYWHERE in this show, of all kinds)

Books

Loveless by Alice Oseman:  Georgia has never been in love, never kissed anyone, never even had a crush – but as a fanfic-obsessed romantic she’s sure she’ll find her person one day. This wise, warm and witty story of identity and self-acceptance sees Alice Oseman on towering form as Georgia and her friends discover that true love isn’t limited to romance (don’t be turned off by this title, it’s tongue-in-cheek. This is a book about an aroace college girl discovering herself and centers the importance and power of platonic relationships! I have it on my TBR and have heard great things)

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters: Reese almost had it all: a loving relationship with Amy, an apartment in New York City, a job she didn't hate. She had scraped together what previous generations of trans women could only dream of: a life of mundane, bourgeois comforts. The only thing missing was a child. But then her girlfriend, Amy, detransitioned and became Ames, and everything fell apart. Now Reese is caught in a self-destructive pattern: avoiding her loneliness by sleeping with married men.Ames isn't happy either. He thought detransitioning to live as a man would make life easier, but that decision cost him his relationship with Reese—and losing her meant losing his only family. Even though their romance is over, he longs to find a way back to her. When Ames's boss and lover, Katrina, reveals that she's pregnant with his baby—and that she's not sure whether she wants to keep it—Ames wonders if this is the chance he's been waiting for. Could the three of them form some kind of unconventional family—and raise the baby together?This provocative debut is about what happens at the emotional, messy, vulnerable corners of womanhood that platitudes and good intentions can't reach. Torrey Peters brilliantly and fearlessly navigates the most dangerous taboos around gender, sex, and relationships, gifting us a thrillingly original, witty, and deeply moving novel (again, don’t be thrown off by the title, it too, is tongue-in-cheek. This book was GREAT, and written by a trans women with a queer-and especially trans--audience in mind)

A Tip for the Hangman by Allison Epstein: A gay Christopher Marlowe, at Cambridge and trying to become England’s best new playwright, finds himself wrapped up in royal espionage schemes while also falling in love (this book is by a Twitter friend of mine, and it is a wonderful historical thriller with a gay man at the center).

Creatures of Will and Temper by Molly Tanzer: a very very queer remix of The Picture of Dorian Gray (which was already quite queer), featuring amazing female characters, a gay Basil, and a much happier ending than the original. 

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston: The gay prince of England and the bisexual, biracial first son of the president fall in love (think an AU of 2016 where a woman becomes president). Featuring a fantastic discovery of bisexuality, ruminations on grief, and just a truly astonishing book. One of my favorites!

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston:  For cynical twenty-three-year-old August, moving to New York City is supposed to prove her right: that things like magic and cinematic love stories don’t exist, and the only smart way to go through life is alone. She can’t imagine how waiting tables at a 24-hour pancake diner and moving in with too many weird roommates could possibly change that. And there’s certainly no chance of her subway commute being anything more than a daily trudge through boredom and electrical failures. But then, there’s this gorgeous girl on the train (This is Casey McQuiston’s brand new novel featuring time-travel, queer women, and I absolutely cannot WAIT to read it)

The Heiress by Molly Greely: Set in the Pride and Prejudice universe, this takes on Anne de Bourg (Lady Catherine’s daughter), and makes her queer! 

Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters:  Nan King, an oyster girl, is captivated by the music hall phenomenon Kitty Butler, a male impersonator extraordinaire treading the boards in Canterbury. Through a friend at the box office, Nan manages to visit all her shows and finally meet her heroine. Soon after, she becomes Kitty's dresser and the two head for the bright lights of Leicester Square where they begin a glittering career as music-hall stars in an all-singing and dancing double act. At the same time, behind closed doors, they admit their attraction to each other and their affair begins (Sarah Waters is the queen of historical lesbians. All of her books are good, and they’re all gay! The Paying Guests is another great one)

(On a side note re: queer books, there are MANY, these are just ones I’ve read more recently. Also there are a lot of indie/self-published writers doing great work writing queer books, so definitely support your local indie authors!) 

[author-morgan]

Your work is so good, you should do this for a living! Your Ivarr stories are treasurers! Because quality Ivarr content that matches up exactly with my fantasies are rare, and I'm shit poet...

Could you please do one where the clan's dainty sweetheart secretly has the hots for Ivarr but avoids him because she doesn't know how to act around him.

He's also into her but thinks she hates him.

She gets terribly drunk for first time ever, throws herself at Ivarr...

Confused but also turned on, he internally struggles because doesn't want to take advantage of her.

He puts her to bed/or gets someone else to do it? Ubba? Because he doesn't trust himself to be alone with her?

Finds her when she's sober and not hungover, confronts her because drunken words are sober thoughts. She's embarrassed but they end up having really great sex!!!

i do write for a living, just not creative writing oh the joys of academia. apologies for the long wait, but here's more Ivarr! hope you enjoy! ♥ i kind of went overboard (like 3.3k words overboard) but it's Ivarr and i'm thirsty as hell for this bastard. Ivarr the Boneless x fem!Reader

EIVOR SHAKES HIS head. His arms crossed with a frown playing on his lips. He doesn’t see what you do —why of all the people in Midgard, you only have eyes for Ivarr the Boneless. Even Ubba would be a better choice, he thinks. It’s in Eivor’s nature to worry over and protect the ones he loves after all he’s lost. You are another example of Styrbjorn’s charity to those he considered friends, just as he is Sigurd’s brother in all but blood, you are their sister and have been for many years —becoming a temper for the two rowdy boys, favoring the healing arts over swordplay and battle.

Since Eivor’s initial meeting with Ivarr in Repton, there’s been something about his methods and outlook that sets Eivor at unease, even more so now that he’s caught Ivarr’s gaze lingering on you —like now during the autumn feast. Some jest, saying opposites attract, and while that seldom seems to be the truth, it is for you and Ivarr. He is cold iron, warm blood, a harsh winter —and you’re soft silks, a cool breeze, fresh spring blooms.

He’s seen the looks you share with Ivarr. Fleeting and flirtatious, but that is nigh all you share besides few rushed words in passing. Ivarr cuts an intimidating presence, and you’ve never been quite sure how to converse with warriors beyond your brothers. It’s nigh as difficult for Ivarr —all he knows is bloodlust and his fellow drengrs— finding the right words to say is not a battle he thinks he can win. There’s fondness between you, almost everyone can see it, but there are times when Ivarr is left to wonder if you truly like him or if your soft smiles and kind words are only a product of his reputation.

Ivarr’s feelings are clear to himself, though, especially as he watches you among the people of Ravensthorpe, partaking in the autumn festivities. Seeing you wear a crown of gold and amber leaves, dancing with Ceolbert to the drunken tune of Bragi and his tagelharpa with a tankard of Tekla’s mead in hand makes his heart beat faster, and his mouth go dry. He keeps to the benches, reminding himself that a drengr does not dance —at least not this type of dance.

The evening fades, but the festivities don’t. Soma claims her clan throws the best feasts, though you’re tempted to challenge the jarlskona for the title since Ravensthorpe has grown. You look around, searching for your brothers, but Sigurd has retired for the evening, and Eivor is slumped over on one of the tables, asleep —his hand still curled around the handle of his mead cup. Sighing, you find Ivarr’s gaze in the hazy air of the longhouse, half-shocked by the intensity and darkness, half-eager to return the lust-laden stare with your own.

Emboldened by the mead, you gather another horn and move across the longhouse where Ivarr sits. With a smile, you offer him the horn of mead before taking the empty spot on the bench next to him. He eyes you, curious, as he turns up the horn —downing the mead in a few gulps— and turns his attention to you. Spurred on by the moment, you lean closer, twisting to drape your legs across his thighs, squirming more than needed. “What game are you playing at, little dove?” Ivarr asks, his gaze dark and tone dangerous. You only smile, flitting your eyes up to meet his as you tip up your cup.

The soft plucking lyre strings and the low thrum of the tagelharpa are nigh enough to lull you to sleep coupled with the stillness. When you start to sway, both from the trance of the music and the heaviness of your eyes, Ivarr brings you closer to his side before deciding it best to see you off for the night —lest he is on the receiving end of Sigurd or Eivor’s anger. Ivarr pushes the bench back from the table, slipping his arms around your shoulders and beneath your knees, rising with you cradled in his arms —head resting on the leather of his shoulder pauldron.

When Ivarr places you on the straw and rag stuffed mattress of your cottage at the eastern edge of the settlement, you are not eager to part with him —the bulge tenting his britches tell you he’s not eager to leave you either. “Don’t” —you hiccup, lips turning into a pout as you lift the hem of your skirt to show the bare skin of your calves and beyond— “don’t you want me?”

Gods, Ivarr wants you. Just the thought of lying with you sets his blood hot and racing —like a giddy boy before his first battle. He doesn’t think he’s ever wanted a woman more. But he can smell the mead on your breath and see the weariness hiding in your eyes. Ivarr knows it is the drink speaking for you, and he will not be the one to dishonor such a woman as you. “You’ve too much drink, little dove,” he chides in a rough chuckle, uncurling your fingers from their hold on his tunic. “Sleep,” Ivarr says, sitting back on his haunches —drinking in your appearance for a final time, “I doubt you’ll say the same thing come the morning.”

MORNING BREAKS AND so does your uneasy rest. The scent of smoke and mead clings to your skin and clothes, as does a dried sheen of sweat. Rising, you strip out of the soiled clothes and into a linen shift. With the hour still early and some only just retiring for bed from the feast, you gather up a cake of soap and boar-bristle brush, heading toward the small waterfall and pool at the northern edge of the settlement. Sparing a quick look around and now certain you’re alone, you strip, stepping into the clear, cool water with a sharp inhale.

Humming a soft song, you wring the suds from your hair and cross toward the bank where your clothes lay, but the snap of a branch underfoot stops you. Gaze darting around, you see him emerge from behind the trunk of a large tree near the stables. “Ivarr,” you greet, not shying away from his wandering gaze. His silence and the look in his eyes make you smile as you wade in his direction, stopping when the water brushes the underside of your breasts. “Are you watching me?” It’s a redundant question that needs no answer besides the hungry look in Ivarr the Boneless’s eyes.

“What you said last night–” he starts, voice surprisingly cautious, but you cut him off with a wave of a hand and scolding grin. “I was not that drunk, Ivarr.” Tekla’s mead had not dulled your senses, only gave you the courage to act on buried feelings. He lifts his brow and rakes his hand through his parted hair. “And yes. I meant it,” you tell him, wearing the same look now as you had last night nigh begging Ivarr to have his way with you. If Ivarr is surprised by the truth of your feelings, he hides it well. You motion to the pristine pool of water and bite down on your bottom lip before finding his gaze again. “Join me?”

Ties and buckles rustle as he hastily kicks away his boots, drops the fittings of his armor, and does away with his britches and tunic. Ivarr circles you like a wolf eyeing his wounded prey, and then he pounces, wrapping an arm around your middle, pulling your back flush against his chest. He leans forward, trailing his nose along your shoulder and neck —rough hands trailing up your sides and around to your breasts, squeezing them and teasing your nipples between his thumbs and forefingers.

When you gasp, he bites down on your shoulder and rocks his hips into your ass with a low chuckle. “You know who I am?” He means it as a warning —a warning of his bloodthirsty and unkind nature, that he is not a man to sing sweet songs or offer tender caresses. You already know that, having been privileged to witness Ivarr the Boneless in battle and know him outside of his craft.

“I do,” you answer, unwilling to shy away. He sucks in a sharp breath when you turn to face him, stepping closer and look up at him under lidded eyes with a wicked smile that sends blood rushing to his already half-hard cock. Careening toward Ivarr, you brush your lips across his jaw, settling one hand over the dark tattoo of Yggdrasil on his breast. “And if I wanted gentle,” you breathe at his ear, nipping at his neck, “I would fuck one of the Saxon monks.”

Ivarr laughs, grinning, but it falters when you reach below the water and squeeze his cock and balls, giving no doubt to your intentions or your wants. “Careful, little dove,” he hisses, tilting your chin up. He hunches, ashen hair half-falling before his face as he leans down and kisses you, warm, open-lipped, and intoxicating.

You pull back with a groan, and Ivarr chasing your lips, stopped only by your hands cupping his face —thumb tracing the deep scar on his cheek. “While giving the gods a show sounds delightful” —Ivarr’s lusty eyes take on a twinkle at the thought. Suddenly he’s picturing you splayed out on a Christian altar, spent from his love with his seed dripping from your cunt. His cock twitches, pressed tight against your belly— “Sigurd or Eivor finding us like this is less enticing.” Had it been anyone other than Ivarr, your brothers would have turned a blind eye, but neither have particularly liked the interest you and Ivarr show in one another.

Stepping back, you grip onto his wrist, staying his hands from their wandering assault, and pull him toward the waterfall and the small cave beyond. Before Ivarr has a chance to move again, you smile for him in the dim light, sliding an open hand to the nape of his neck, drawing him closer. With your lips pressed against his, Ivarr can only reciprocate —he parts your lips with his tongue, hands curling into your hips in a vice grip. But when the kiss breaks, you shimmy from his grasp and trail your lips to the dip in his neck —licking and laving.

“Having your lips on my skin is torture,” he inhales, hand fisting in your hair as you move down to the tattoo of Sleipnir at the center of his chest. You laugh softly and lean back, his eyes piercing through you. The smile on your lips is roguish, but you do not let up, making your way to his abdomen where a few small scars are clustered. Ivarr moans above you, and you haven’t even touched his aching, dripping cock yet. His hand reaches for your breasts, but you knock it away, having yearned for this moment for too long to let it slip away.

He titters at your enthusiasm and rolls his hips forward. Not dissuaded, you press your lips to the scar next to his navel, right below one of the dark runes tattooed on his abdomen. The hand still twined in your hair tightens, pushing you down to your knees. Ivarr’s legs are powerfully built, the muscles of his calves and thighs flex as you run your hand over them appreciatively, still finding small scars to trace and kisses, purposefully ignoring the hard cock pressed against his stomach. His hands clench as you kiss the skin of his thighs, your hair tickling the underside of his cock.

You smile at his surprised gasp when you drag the flat of your tongue along his cock, tracing along a vein running up the length of his shaft. Ivarr’s unable to hold back his groan when your fingers wrap around his girth, giving a few heavy strokes. And then, without warning, you wrap your lips around the head of his cock. He tastes of salt and iron and something forbidden and dangerous. Taking his cock as far as you can, you press your tongue against the underside, silently humming.

Above you, Ivarr chokes your name like a ragged prayer —it fills you with pride to know the son of Ragnar Lodbrok is coming apart at your hands and mouth, unable to say anything but your name. The lords of England may fear the whisper of his name, but right now, he is at your mercy.

Slowly, he begins to thrust himself into your mouth, but he makes no move to command your movements. Instead, his impatience wins over. He pulls you away from pleasuring him with your mouth. “Enough,” Ivarr says, his voice ragged as he crouches down, hand sliding from your hair and down to tweak one of your pebbled nipples, then lower still until he comes to the warmth between your thighs, slick with arousal. You whimper, gripping onto Ivarr’s shoulder when he pushes two fingers into your cunt, curling and thrusting. “On your knees, little dove,” he rasps. He warned you, and now he means to make good on his silent promise.

You struggle to gain your balance on the uneven ground of the small cave, but soon did, only to nigh lose it again when Ivarr slides the blunt head of his cock through your slick folds —thrice over before gripping onto your shoulder with one hand and guiding himself into your warmth with the other. Ivarr’s moan when he sinks inside you is breathless and airy, a misplaced sound from the likes of him. He grips you tight —one hand on your shoulder still, the other on your hip— holding your squirming body still as he eases his way into you. Your shoulders curl forward at the sudden wide spread of his cockhead into your body, fingers digging into the soft earth beneath you.

Ivarr pants against your shoulders —you can feel the open brush of his mouth along the sensitive skin of your spine and neck— as he draws his hips back and slams his cock back into you. You buck your hips back in time with his thrust, and Ivarr growls. You move with him as he fucks into you, squeezing with your inner muscles and whimpering in loud gasps. “Ivarr,” you chant, over-and-over.

He’s pounding hard immediately, giving in to the hunger that’s been consuming the both of you for far too long to be decent. His fingers are strong, streaking against your skin as his grip slides, something to discolor and bruise you by evening. But it feels so fucking good. You toss your head back, finding a glimpse of his face in this aching position with back arched, teeth shining in the low light, and eyes burning on you. He’s feral and ruined, and his fingers bend on your skin.

The building tension fades when he draws back, leaving you aching and empty. Ivarr spins you to face him as he reclines. “Ride me,” he commands, kissing you quickly, with an open mouth and teeth scraping your bottom lip. You pull away from the kiss, moving so you could sit atop him, straddling his hips, his back against a smoothed boulder. Breathless, Ivarr cannot be bothered with the loss of control —reckless abandon shines in your eyes, and he cannot help but grin as you slide down on his cock. He grunts enthralled at the feel of your warm cunt around him, walls clenching to feel every ridge and vein.

Moments pass, and you begin to move on top of Ivarr, rolling your hips into his. He groans, rough hands torn between holding onto your hips or pawing at your breasts. Instead, he decides to push himself up and let his lips attack your jaw and throat —biting and suckling— and annoyed at the slow in pace, Ivarr thrusts his hips up into yours, a sign to move faster. You don’t hesitate —lost to the exquisite bliss, clawing, desperate and eager. Holding Ivarr’s face in your hands, you try finding his lips with your own, but all you can do is moan and pant with him into his mouth, lost in the craven pleasure.

Ivarr bites hard in the crook of your shoulder and neck as he repeatedly drives his hips upward, chasing his and your releases. One of his hands slips between your bodies —his calloused thumb teasing your clit in a way that makes your hips stutter and body trembles, nails clawing into Ivarr’s shoulders. He grits his teeth, wondering if his little dove had broken skin. The burst of pain fades quickly as he watches your body bounce in time with his thrusts and listens to the moans and pants echoing off the cave walls and water.

He knows he’s close, his pants ragged and thrusts sloppy and desperate. The hitch in your breathing when he presses his thumb against your clit tells him you’re close to. It’s the boiling heat between you that takes hold, curling your toes and parting your lips in a silent throe, hands digging into Ivarr’s biceps as he chases his pleasure —teeth bared and bright eyes burning. Several thrusts later, his body tenses, and a dull warmth spreads between your connected bodies, and still, he is not done with the thrill of how you tremble and whine above him, but the rhythm soon slows, and you fall forward, resting your head on Ivarr’s chest.

You sit there, savoring the last twinges of carnal gratification, with your bodies rising and falling as you breathe in unison. And when the haze clears, you trace the small scars near his shoulders and follow the blue-black runes tattooed on his middle.

After what feels like an eternity, you feel him shift underneath you, sitting up on his hands. Ivarr glances over you —the small purple marks at the base of your neck from his lips and teeth, how your nipples are still hard, begging to have his mouth on them, and how your bodies are still connected. His cock is soft now, his seed seeping from your cunt and drying on your thighs —Ivarr thinks it a glorious sight. He hisses as he pulls himself out of your warmth, slowly, relishing in the gasps and whimpers you make at the resultant empty feeling it leaves between your thighs.

With flushed cheeks and swollen lips, you tell him you must go —this escapade would have already made you late for your daily duties, and the last thing you wish is for one of your brothers or Valka to find you in this state. He follows you from the cave behind the waterfall, back to the bank where his and your clothes are strewn. Gentler than you’d imagine, Ivarr kisses your cheek, then the corner of your mouth, before cupping your face with strong, rough fingers and moving your lips back to his. You let him move you, kissing you back, smiling against his mouth. “Come to me at nightfall,” you breathe against his lips, parting to gather up your clothes and shoes.

Ivarr grins, swatting your ass before pulling you against his chest, keeping you from reaching for your linen shift —his chin resting on your shoulder as his hand slides between your legs and two fingers sinking into your cunt, still slick with your essence and his seed. “That eager for my cock again, little dove?” He laughs.

He’s silenced when you grind back into his hips with a glint of mischief shining in your eyes. Ivarr lets you go, though reluctant, and watches you dress from the corner of his eye. It’s impulse driving you when you decide duties can wait. Smiling, you grip onto Ivarr’s wrist —he’s only half-dressed in his britches and boots, tunic in hand— and drag him away from the waterfall and toward your home in the settlement. Consequences be damned. It feels as though the gods made you and Ivarr for one another, and you aren’t willing to let another moment be wasted.

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