#where 7 bad months can fuck up your life for the next 7 years

[winke77e]

Different types of 'clean'

So up until this August, my brother has been my only roommate. I am not counting the entire bay of women in the military barracks for 3 months, or the 4 other women in the our assigned room during my 1 deployment.

So Jan 2023 to Aug 2023 was the worst time of my adult life so far as I fought tooth and nail not to become homeless and utterly failed. My only saving grace was my friend who agreed to room me. I told him that I need a clean place to live as excessive mess exacerbates my anxiety/depression

And I. Have since learned.

We have different definitions of 'Clean'

For me, 'clean' is "every room is tidy, every object has a dedicated place". I want to be able to open a drawer, know what should be in there, and know what i need to restock at a glance.

To him, 'clean' is "the mess isn't visable". He typically cleans common areas and then literally tosses everything into the nearest drawer, closet, or cabinet.

I have never shared a full living space with someone. In the military, you were assigned an area around your bed and that was your sole responsibility. My whole family, from the "poverty stricken" maternal side to the "what used to be middle class living" paternal side. They have ALL adhered to the "tidy and organized" definition of Clean. So it was an unpleasant surprise to learn that there are other types of 'clean'.

[strniohoeee]

Labyrinth

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female reader

Synopsis: A numb and addicted y/n can’t seem to understand why her life suddenly feels different. She’s done nothing but move around in her adult years, so why is it now that she feels she can’t pack up and leave anytime soon?

Warnings⚠️: I haven’t written in over a month, so I’m super rusty this might be shitty! Cigarette smoking and mentions, mentions of addiction, mentions of alcohol. I don’t condone smoking or drinking (underage).🖤

Song for imagine: Cigarettes and Coffee- Otis Redding

Its early in the morning

About a quarter ‘til three

I’m sittin here talking with my baby

Over cigarettes and coffee

I was never one to deal with stress easily which led me to deal with it in the worst ways possible. Drinking, smoking, quitting jobs on the spot and even packing up and leaving places…..I know stupid and risky, but I never had that anchor in my life to tell me everything was going to be okay.

If I felt stressed and useless my things were packed and I was on the road to a new state. I think I was on state number 7 in about a year and a half. Who the fuck in their right mind handles stress this way? That was the million dollar question, and I had the answer…. I wasn’t in my right mind…not in the past, not in the present and undoubtedly not in the future.

After my last breakdown I landed in California precisely in Los Angeles, the city of angels. Where all your dreams and aspirations could come true. It just felt like lost paradise to me, but it’s the longest state I’ve ever stood in. For some reason I couldn’t find the power in me to leave when I got stressed. It was as if I had some unforeseen future here….a future of happiness and hope?

But the stress still gnawed at me. Will I ever have a career, will I ever be truly happy, will my parents be proud of me?How am I going to pay for next month's rent?How am I going to pay for next week's groceries?

It was a constant battle and I never severely suffered because I always found a way, but once all that was taken care of the immediate panic started again about how will I be able to do it all in the following weeks.

I started smoking constantly and it was weird because I wasn’t a smoker but I knew I should drink a little less. I only lit a cigarette when the stress was so bad I refused to drink anymore. Not like smoking was any better ruining my lungs rather than my liver….

But the problem was it went from one to two a day to five and on really bad days even up to eight. It was a bad crutch I simply couldn’t pull away from. They were my training wheels and I was so scared that once I let go I’d crash and burn.

I had an addiction and I had no one around me to slap me out of it. Of course I still spoke to my parents, but I just lied about it. I mean there’s truly no one to blame but myself, however all that regret left my mind once a lighter was in my hand and I took a long drag while the cool night breeze brushed against my skin.

I was lucky enough to have found a job almost instantly. It was a cute little coffee shop that had a small selection of books. It was a peaceful and slow paced job. We only really needed two to three people working. So I’d open at 8am and waited for the next girl to clock in at about 11am.

It was a fun job that paid the bills and my horrendous cigarette addiction. I had found a decent studio apartment nearby. But I was always convinced that this would be snatched from under my feet and I should never get comfortable. As you can expect this led to my extreme stress and anxiety.

I didn’t necessarily have friends here, I mean yes I was cool with my coworkers and boss; but we weren’t friends. It was more of a hi, bye situation. It didn’t bother me much. I was always a loner. I never really found people who got me, so I stayed with the only person who did…me.

On my days off I spent a lot of time walking around flea markets, heading into other cafes and even writing. I’d always hoped that one day I’d be a writer. My mind was always running and I figured someone out there might actually relate to and enjoy the words I’d write on a piece of paper.

Today I was actually working a small shift from 8am to 1pm. I was staring blankly at my reflection in the bathroom. Scrubbing my hands and gargling mouthwash. It was 11am and I was coming back from my break.

Spitting the mouthwash into the sink I closed the cap and stuffed the travel size bottle into my purse. Inhaling deeply I looked at myself once again.

“You have got to stop smoking” I replied in a mumble

Slipping my hand blindly into my purse I pulled out my perfume; spritzing myself before shutting the light and heading into the break room to place my purse back.

Slipping my apron on my coworker walked in, clocking in the back as she offered me a smile

“Good morning Y/N” she said as she walked towards me to place her things down

“Good morning K” I stated as I offered a smile back and began to make my way to clock back in

I wasn’t sure why her name was K, it was all over her employee paperwork. She was here before me, so I felt I had no right to ask her for her real name. But it was interesting for someone to just drop the rest of their name and solely go by a singular letter.

After punching back in I walked to the front, not a surprise it was dead. The only people lingering around were the 8am-9am crew. Sighing deeply I decided to clean up a bit.

It was about 12pm now and I was watching the clock anxiously waiting to clock out and run free. Usually I worked 8-4 and sometimes even 8-6. I had a whole day ahead of me and two days off might I add. I felt pretty invincible

Drinking from my water cup the door chimed signaling a customer. Placing the cup down I began to turn around.

“Hi welcome to Mugs” I stated as I turned around

Immediately I was intrigued. I have never seen someone as interesting before. I mean it is LA, so I have seen some interesting stuff; but no he looked different…. And for some reason I couldn’t really look away

Placing his vision glasses on top of his head he squinted his eyes to read the menu. My eyebrow raising.

“You know glasses are meant for you to see things” I said logging into the register as I looked up at him

“I’m sorry?” He said looking at me

“You um…. You put your glasses on your head and then squinted to read” I said pointing above me at the board

“Oh… well these are just blue light glasses. I genuinely can’t really see” he said in an awkward way

“Ohhh well uhh want me to read the menu to you?” I asked laughing a bit

“Oh no it’s fine, I’m not really a coffee drinker” he stated looking at our pastry display

“You do realize you’re in a Coffee shop?” I said jokingly

His mouth opened a bit and then he squinted his eyes

“I am now seeing how ridiculous I look” he said chuckling and shaking his head

“No judgment here” I said sticking my hands up in defense

“I won’t waste your time any more! Can I have a chocolate chip cookie and that bottle of Pepsi” he said pointing behind me at the small fridge

“One Pepsi and one cookie, coming right up” I said checking him out on the screen

Grabbing the cookie and bottle of soda I placed it on the counter and slid it towards him.

“You can tap or insert your card whenever you’re ready” I stated clicking some buttons on my screen

“I’m uhh actually paying cash” he said fishing in his wallet

“Woahhh cash in this century?” I said giggling and fixing the system

“Yeahh I carry a little bit of cash and little bit of card” he said shrugging his shoulders

“A little bit of card….hmm…that’s funny” I said giggling a bit at him

“Well you know what I mean” he says playfully rolling his eyes

“I’m just messing with you” I said shaking my head

Smiling he handed the cash over and grabbed his items

“Keep the change” he said waving with his hand and nodding his head

Walking out the door I couldn’t seem to understand why I had a stupid smile on my face. Putting the cash in the till and placing the change in our tip jar.

Turning around I was met with my two coworkers staring at me with a smirk on their face. I’d never been the spotlight of attention and I’ve never gotten anything other than a good morning from either of them. So my face dropped and I got self conscious

“What?” I said a bit scared as I straightened my posture

“He was totally into you” K stated as she placed the rack of cookies down

“Was not! We were just making friendly conversations” I said opening the pastry shelf and putting some cookies in

“No no I agree with K we’ve had a lot of guys come in here, but this is the first time I’ve seen a guy like utter more than two words to you and he was totally geeking out” Delilah stated

“Totally! That kid was blushing like crazyyy” K stated as she grabbed the now empty tray and began to walk back towards the kitchen

“Guys come on! It was just friendly banter” I said shutting the pastry door

“Delilah knows her shit too, that’s how Danny and I got together” K stated from the kitchen

“Shut up! No way” I said rolling my eyes

“Sure did! As soon as we had an interaction K told me he’d be back for my number, and that was three years ago” K replied

“You just got lucky this was nothing but mere coincidence” I replied back to them

“You’ll see girl” Delilah stated as she began to make herself a coffee

Playfully rolling my eyes I checked the clock, I had about 10 minutes till my shift was over. I decided to make myself a drink.

As I made my iced latte I began to wonder. I didn’t really have many interactions with guys, but I think I’d know if someone was flirting with me.

It just felt like a friendly banter with an awkwardly shy….nerdy guy. Laughing to myself I finished making my drink.

“Alright girls I’m going to clock out now” I stated as I walked to the back

Punching out and grabbing my things I slid my apron off and grabbed my drink. Heading towards the front of the cafe

I waved bye to the girls as I took a sip.

“Have a good day girls” I said as I walked out

I had the whole day ahead of me and I didn’t even know what I wanted to do. My job was near a pier where I could always sit down and watch people.

Before heading to the pier I decided to stop for some food. Heading into a small restaurant I sat down. Taking my book out of my purse I began to write. I hadn’t written in two weeks and it felt wrong.

Ghosting my hand over the paper, my mind just kept going blank. I couldn’t form a proper sentence and my mind began to race again. Thinking back on that boy I began to think about my love life.

Honestly I didn’t really have one, I was more of a hopeless romantic. Often watching rom coms and rolling my eyes at how unrealistic that love was. I’m sure it was tangible, but I was just a sour puss.

I longed for a relationship like that to always know you’ll have someone there for you loving you unconditionally. To be with someone through sickness and in health. I was only 22, but it seemed to me that everyone around me already had that amazing soulmate. I was very clearly late to the game and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find someone to love. I wasn’t even sure I was lovable myself.

Then again I never put myself out there, but times have changed. It's not that easy. Guys have become so shitty and all they care about it sex. But it’s like what about getting to know the person deep down.

Not once has a guy ever asked me my dreams and aspirations, where do I see myself in five years? What are my biggest goals in life? What’s my biggest fear….. I lost all hope for love by the time I was 18.

Reading romantic stories and watching these shows and movies definitely added salt to the wound.

I hadn’t realized how much I was writing till my hand began to cramp. Looking up I realized it was no longer daytime.

“Shit” I muttered under my breath

Slamming my book shut I paid my bill and began to gather my things. Walking out of the restaurant I stepped out onto the golden street. It was about 5:45 and I really couldn’t understand how that much time had passed.

I think that’s why I enjoy writing the most, I’m so far gone in my own world it’s like I’m frozen and the world around me continues to move.

Walking towards the pier it was surprisingly empty at this time. Breathing in the salty air I sat down on a bench. Watching the ocean I let the breeze blow through my hair.

Digging in my purse I pulled out my pack of American Spirits. Sighing deeply I pulled a cigarette out. As soon as I grabbed my lighter all the regret washed away from me.

Placing the white object in between my lips I flicked the lighter a few times before a glowing flame appeared before me. Guarding the flame from the wind I brought it closer.

Inhaling as I lit the cigarette all my worries washed away. This was only my second cigarette of the day and I somehow felt accomplished.

Kicking the gravel underneath me I took a long drag, exhaling I got up. Walking over to the edge of the pier I decided to sit down allowing my legs to hang off the edge.

I wasn’t 100% sure I could do this, but it’s worth a shot I thought to myself. Leaning my chin on the railing I took another drag as I stared into the sunset.

Life was so beautiful and I wasn’t sure why I was so sad and numb all the time. I took a lot for granted and I hated it.

I really needed to stop smoking.

“You know those things will kill you” I heard from behind me

My brows began to furrow as I took a drag

“I’m sorry?” I said annoyed as I looked behind me, blowing the smoke out through my nose as my face dropped

“You shouldn’t smoke” he said again with a cheeky smile on his face

Meeting eyes with the same guy from the cafe made my heart skip a beat and my throat go dry.

“Squinting your eyes is also bad for you” I said putting the cigarette out

“Won’t kill me though” he said shrugging his shoulders

“You never know” I said shrugging my shoulders and standing up

His eyes followed me as I got up and it was only then did I feel super self conscious about this whole situation. My embarrassment turned a bit into anger.

“Anyways you drink Pepsi, so that for sure will kill you” I said as I dusted my pants off

“Guess we’ll both be dead then” he replied

“Wow you’re super blunt” I said scoffing

“Sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to come off rude. I was just playfully teasing” he said looking nervous

Looking at him for a split second and I sniffed and then rolled my eyes

“It’s fine. It’s a bad habit anyways” I replied shrugging my shoulders

“We all have bad habits we’re not proud of” he said in a whisper

“Are you uhh following me?” I asked him cocking an eyebrow

“What? No oh my god no! I was just walking and I thought you looked super familiar” he replied putting his hands up in defense

“I’m just teasing you” I said giggling

“I’m Matt” he replied placing his hand out for me to shake

“I’m Y/N” I stated as I shook his hand

“It’s nice to formally meet you” he said awkwardly

“Yeah” I replied awkwardly

“I’ll uh… ill let you go on about your business. Maybe I’ll see you around” He said

“Well you know where to find me” I said smiling at him

Opening my bag I was digging around for my phone before successfully pulling it out.

“Right, well have a good evening” he said and waved shyly

“I’ll see you round Matt” I replied

Going our separate ways I looked down at my phone, 6:55pm…. Sighing, I walked back to my car close to the cafe and drove home.

Shuffling up the stairs I pushed my apartment door open after unlocking it. Making note that I must call the maintenance guy because that door needs some WD40 badly.

Locking the door I turned my lights on. Today just felt strange like I couldn’t put my finger in exactly what the fuck was going on.

Walking over to my patio I opened the sliding door and stepped out. Taking in the evening breeze my mind just went blank.

Stepping back inside I grabbed my purse, grabbing my lighter I shuffled my hand around my purse to feel for my pack of cigarettes. But my brows furrowed when I didn’t feel the square container.

Walking over towards the light I opened my bag more and looked inside. An annoyed feeling washed over me as I couldn’t find the box. I mean honestly good because I did not need anymore.

Still searching as if the box was going to magically appear. I groaned soon realizing I must’ve left them on the bench and they are for a fact long gone by now.

Throwing my lighter back into my purse I groaned and sat on my couch. The one time I desperately need a cigarette I fucking left it on the pier.

I cut that night short with a 80s movie marathon and left over pizza as a midnight snack.

remembering that tomorrow I had to stop into the cafe to pick up my paycheck. We’re living in a very digital world right now and my job still does paper checks….

Groaning at that I decided to call it a night….

The End

Okayyy IVE BEEN GONE FOR SOOO FUCKING LONG. And I’m sooo sorry it’s just life has been so crazy since March! However this was the end of part 1….stay tuned for more🥺🖤🖤

-J💅🏽

[lains-reality]

hi :) i hope you’re having a wonderful day

you’re literally the only blogger i trust when it comes to non-duality, and your advice has been the one i’ve been most easily able to apply/understand. I hope this doesn’t come off as a vent, but it probably will just because this question is so complicated and problem riddled, and tbh idek if you’re actually going to respond, but yea. it’s like star wars you’re my obi wan kenobi! my last hope lol

basically i’ve put my life on hold and procrastinated everything i’ve needed to do. (TW: death?? health problems/sa?) I went through a really bad year, last year. the human character i identify with (non-dualistic terms, bc ik this character isn’t me?) was sa’d in the beginning of the year. really traumatic. i dropped out of school, i couldn’t go out of the house because i feared for my life. i became super paranoid. i reported it and filed charges, but the justice system is fucked so.

anyways, after because the amount of stress i was experiencing, i became very ill. my biological father wished death on me, and i believed it at the time, because my sibling wished for me to get raped, and then it happened. i can see now, how my belief may or may not have been the cause of what happened. i then got cancer. the doctors couldn’t figure it out for months, and even ridiculed me- saying how i relied on google.

i finally went to a specialist who was immediately concerned, and then confirmed my suspicions. i was sort of friends with a blogger on here who got into the void and manifested their dream life. they went into the void for me and affirmed that i no longer had cancer, and that i could tap/wake up in the void. the next day, the huge lump/tumor on my neck was gone. all of my ailments- trouble breathing, patchy and rough skin ceased. i literally told my mother what happened which made her start believing in the power of “manifestation”.

because of the paranoia, and then cancer- i didn’t go to school my last 2 years of school. i switched to online, but never felt the need to complete my classes because i knew i would get into the void. i’ve gotten into the void, both by waking up/tapping into it but i haven’t been able to change my awareness, or “manifest” bc i was just mumbo jumbing words or poetry. i didn’t apply to university, because i thought i’d enter the void before then and revise my school grades + make it so i got into the university of my choice.

now, i have a week left before i have to finish my classes- which i have 7 of them, and so many assignments. i have to move out in the middle of august because i lied to my parents and said i got into university, because i thought i would’ve already changed things with the void by now. my life was fucked, then i fucked my life. after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now, yet i haven’t. i don’t know what i’m doing wrong, because i was able to show myself the truth of reality (as lester levinson said).

i am really stressing because now everything is falling down on itself. i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go, yet it’s so hard when teachers are bombarding me with messages how i have to finish the classes, or how i have to move out soon. i know this is probably ego driven, but i feel as if i can’t see a way through because of how attached i am to this. my health has also been abnormal, which makes me fear that the cancer has returned. what should i do?? im kinda freaking out.

anyways, i am so sorry if this came across trauma dumping/venting. i am just at a point where i do not even know where to begin to conceptualize this into understanding. this took a lot of courage to type, as im a bit afraid still- that people who hurt me from last year will see this (even though i know they won’t, but still). i totally understand if you wish not to post this or answer it, as it is very long and limiting. thank you though! i hope you have a wonderful week:)

this was quite difficult to answer as i've never been through so much turmoil all at once. i hope this answer helps and you'll continue taking care of yourself! (i'm sorry i linked way too much lol just don't read it all at once!)

firstly i want you to rest.

you've been through a lot and you've also been putting off a lot to get into the void. stopping life for manifestation is common it seems, its not healthy either. so much pressure is coming from time. you put all your expectations on a method, and i'm gonna guess that you also put so much onto your mind to get you into the void.

practically: your biological father sounds abusive and so does your sibling, i would be more careful around him. idk if your not around him anymore, it sounds like it? but you need to plan accordingly for your lie. are you gonna tell your parents or ?

theres a massive chance you'll just go crazy trying to figure out all these moving parts, so i suggest do what you can and leave the rest. do the minimum to keep you safe, then figure out the rest as it comes. do whatever you need to do, just remember to not take on too much at once.

ask for breaks on work at school for medical reasons, maybe think about jobs, etc. you see how much more could come into the picture? but this is all the body-mind can do. its easy to treat it as god, but its not god.

"but i feel as if i can’t see a way through"

You fail to do the works of God, because you take the body to be God. - Ada B. [4dbarbie]

take a look at these meditations:

butter meditation

peace meditation

surrender meditation

un-identification exercise

crying meditation

i'd like you pick one of these exercises:

feel all the shit. feel bad. just do it. let all the bad feelings out. put on sad music and fucking cry. cry it all out.

let yourself rest, with no problems. if a thought or feeling comes in just let it, because its not a problem remember? :) just put on some calming music or visualise a calming place. and let yourself have some time with nothing. no conditions. no perfection. no obligations. no 'have to' 'should' 'must'. let that go for this time

feel as if you've died. feel as if you've been completely forgiven, feel as if there was a powerful white light that washed you away of all the crap. really feel as if the divine came down, hugged you and said 'i love you and forgive you'. its all over. finally its all done. you can rest. (i suggest kickstarting this with imagery or music, its hard to generate feeling such grace on you own. i saw a jesus holding a baby lamb picture that made me burst out in tears and realised that all i wanted was just to be, no obligations. i imagined waking up in a heaven, in a gaint flowerfield. do what you want)

one time i did the 1st and 3rd exercises (i made it up on the spot) and it was worth it. the next few days felt much better. its like an exercise in rebirth. let yourself be reborn.

some days you'll just do one or all 3. pick what ever feels right in what ever order. but i suggest that 'feel as if you've died' or 'no problems' comes last! the whole point is to let the painful emotion pass through and settle in a neutral or grateful place.

"after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now"

here's the problem, you went into a philosophy intending to manifest. yes,, (1) you can do that (2) its okay, AS LONG AS YOU DONT MISS THE POINT. the point being that there is no person! the character is a character, not you. manifestation is just another concept, you can use it as long as you understand that its not real. thats why i shared the BOOKS, you need to READ.

"i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go"

don't force yourself to forget (don't say you're not forcing it, otherwise you never would of wrote "TRY"). just let them be. deal with it when it comes up. the mind'll want to make a bazillion plans and stress. if you can make plans without spiriling, then do it. if you can't, don't. there will probably be some things you need to plan and thats okay. but everything else, leave it.

you haven't actually let it go, you're here in my inbox. you do not need to force letting it go. you naturally let it go by realising who you are in relation to it all. if you think you're the body-mind then its impossible to let go, because its your life and it involves you and if you let it go to shit, you might die!! - says the mind. but if you're Self, then this is not you. all those stories mean nothing compared to Infinity, Absolute Perfection and Love!

the Self is who you truly are. Self is still underneath it all, it is all. its imagining itself being a human. the character is the wave, YOU are the ocean. ultimately this is about realising all the identities, images and roles that "you've" taken on and used as reference are not you. how can a story be you? how can the past be you? are you the past? are you currently living in the past? you can be if you keep bringing it into the now.

when you stop using the past as a reference point, how much more posibilities come up now?

this is because the mind only knows what it knows. it cannot know anything more than what it knows right now. it can't access infinite intelligence. that's why it'll try to project into the future, and make plans. but it doesn't truly know. all it does is give suggestions based off the past. it is a combination of identity based off feelings, thoughts and memories that is collected and turned into a habit.

the past, memories, feelings, thoughts, identifies, roles etc all pass through you. they all come up like waves and then leave on THEIR OWN. if you hold onto these (which the character wants to do, it thinks thats all it is) it'll be painful when they are threatened in some way. a simple remark of "oh you look xxx" can be so painful for some characters because they based their whole life on a singular identity that WILL go.

Most of you can't change because you are so desperate TO change... but there is nothing to want to change. Things just are. Don't work with changing self, just realize who self actually is. [4dbarbie]

this is not a forcing thing, its just a rememberance. its done out of love, passion, a desire to just be free! with no ties to whatever identity! its takes courage, not convincing or denial.

Disbelieving you are Vanessa and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. Disbelieving was meant as an experiment, you never thought yourselves to be anything but this body, what will happen if you did? What are changes in your psyche, do you feel more confident, do you feel like you could take on the world? Don't you love Vanessa now that you know that she always was a choice? Even if she wasn't the greatest, what's so wrong with her? She is just somebody, she just lives a life. Things are only so serious when you're identified with her, you get scared, you get hurt, you feel stuck. But when you know that she can't hinder you? That she was never you? Don't you just want to laugh and hug her? [4dbarbie]

are you sure you're reading books and posts? a lot of this is already answered. your case is just more to deal with, but the point is still the same: you are not the body and mind, see what would happen if you questioned them.

just KEEP IT SIMPLE!

i'd like to leave you with this.

Once a young woman came to Hafiz and said, “What is the sign of someone knowing God?” And Hafiz became very quiet and stood in silence for nearly a minute. Lovingly looking deep into the young woman's eyes, he then softly spoke: “My dear, they have dropped the knife. The person who knows God has dropped the cruel knife so often used upon their tender self and others.” [source]

some extra resources

eft - health fear

eft - afraid to feel

we cannot practice letting go

heart of an emotion

i want to wake up with everything

hafiz - love's victory (PLEASE WATCH IT)

trust yourself

"You think you're doing it all for nothing, that's why you don't do it. But is freedom from pain really nothing? At least you are, for once in your life, sighing from relief from all this never-ending sense of doing."

health anon

apply

"All the process requires is letting go of thinking you are Vanessa."

behaviour

letting thoughts and emotions pass

challenge yourself

stories

everything brings you back to your Self

you've been through a lot and i'm glad you still are full of love! otherwise you never would've tried in the first place to change anything. use that love, take any anger and turn it into love for freedom! for Self! i know you can do it!!

also: the feeling of bad health coming back is a sign to me. you've put so much on hold: your healing from the sa, the healing from your family, the lying, LIFE in general. you can't keep doing that. turn inwards. the fear won't consume you.

[sophies-junkyard]

NOBODY ASKED but… Obviously Simon’s arc in adventure time solidified the series as one of greatest of all time (and I’m so hyped for this ice king sadness renaissance) but now I’m thinking of OTHER Adventure Time moments that rewired my brain as a kid. In no particular order:

1. “Once the strong guys got it how they liked it they said ‘this is fair now. This is the law.’ Once they were winning they changed the rules”. They really had the cartoon dog say that on tv in 2014.

2. “People get built different. We don’t have to understand it, we just gotta respect it”

3. The entirety of All The Little People. That shit was absolutely nuts for a kids show but also like…. I can’t articulate the lesson I just know there was one and it haunted me. The danger of the human ego. Hubris. Irreverence. Don’t play god bro.

4. Lady and Peebles. When PB ripped Ricardio’s leg off and bashed his skull in with it. And it was so hardcore they edited it out of the episode. Bro. I remember watching that after school one day and how my jaw just DROPPED at a PRINCESS being so brutal. They let her be so fucking angry and that was a game changer.

5. [Finn, about a horrific memory] “that one’s going in the vault. Aaaaaaaaaandd. It’s gone.” I quote that CONSTANTLY. It’s a great way to bring levity to a bad situation, but also forces me to go “hey wait a sec that’s not gonna work forever”. Things don’t stay in the vault.

6. Puhoy. He lived an entire life in that pillow world. He had kids. And then it’s just gone like a dream.

7. The deer. It was probably my first real introduction to horror. The hand wiggle. You all know exactly what I’m referencing. Were the candy people stuck in that well for 6 months???

8. What Was Missing!! Obviously now because it foreshadowed (and confirmed past) Bubbline, but back then just because it was so good??? IMO, this is the episode that defined WHO our main cast was, and how their relationships needed to grow for them to be content. It set up the next 6 years of the show! Plus it gave us 2 absolute BANGERS. Ugh i rewatched that recording so many times it wasn’t even funny.

9. Ghost Princess. Really just for the line where he sounds like he’s gonna shit his pants remembering his death and then in a clear narrator voice he’s like “I was a broken man.”

10. The pajama war episode. Now I’m doing this from memory so I could be wrong, but I think this really marks the start of Finn growing up. “I’ve really enjoyed just… hanging out with you.” The ability to start over with someone you’ve got complicated history with. The kindness. The growth from both of them!! It’s a direct parallel of episode 1 but their tones couldn’t be more different and I love it.

11. The slow and horrifying realization that The Mushroom War was nuclear Armageddon. Mushroom clouds. That went so far over my head as a kid even though they reference it constantly. It finally clicked during “I remember you”. Which I am NOT gonna go into because holy fuck that’s like 18 posts on its own.

12. Goliad! A child mirroring EVERYTHING they see, for better or worse. Seeing Jake in a bad moment screaming at the kids and goliad absorbing that behavior. Seeing she can use fear to control people. Also PB was Fucking Crazy! Her line “I’m not gonna live forever… I would if I could” is even more unhinged when we learn (like years later) that she’s already 900 years old. But she does physically age so I guess there’s that. The Suitor also falls into this category of episodes.

Ok getting into some of the more talked about moments

1. OK I LIED I have to talk about I remember you. I was 11 years old. I turned on the new adventure time episode like usual. 10 minutes later I was grappling with a grief I had never imagined before. Absolutely BAWLING not just for Simon and Marceline (the PLOT), but for what it showed me. The reality that every kid tries not to think about: your loved ones will leave you someday, even if they don’t want to. It’s an episode that becomes more powerful with every year I get older. To get a bit personal, dementia has completely taken my grandparents from me. I’ve seen sides of my grandfather that should never have existed, and I must constantly forgive him for what he does… now that he doesn’t remember me. And someday it’ll be my parents. That’s just the way of the world, ya know? Anyways, I remember my mom got home right as the credits were rolling and we had a long talk about keeping people alive with memory, mortality, and how the future was far away and we should decide on dinner lmao.

2. The Hall of Egress. I was almost 15. Life was changing. I was changing, and it was strange and frightening. That feeling where you know you’re losing your childhood but you just want to cling to it. Follow the same old familiar path, stick with what’s comfortable. But life doesn’t work that way. It took me years to really understand this episode and it’s symbolism. Honestly I still don’t think I could fully explain it. It’s like. How do I put this. I was so glad to be in the target age group in that moment. I was so glad that something I was growing up with was assuring me “you’re changing, but we’re changing too”. And isn’t that the theme of adventure time? Everything stays, but it still changes.

3. The absolute horror of Ferns existence. He’s Finn, but he’s wrong and warped. All those memories of the people he loves and they can’t stand to be in the same room as him.

4. Susan Strong. The introduction of a RUNNING PLOT. The show up to that point had really been so goofy and so monster of the week. I think the only really plot heavy episode before this one was It Came From the Nightosphere? And then suddenly they call into question the fact that Finn really is the ONLY HUMAN in all of OOO. And then… is he? It was SUCH a departure from the usual tone. Ending that episode with him reaching below her hat and gasping in shock, but never telling the audience what he found. And then she’s just gone. Which leads us to Islands!

5. Min and Marty. Second saddest episode in the entirety of adventure time, made worse because you know exactly how this family is gonna end up. There’s SO MUCH to dissect about Martins behavior in the series. A reformed con artist receives a traumatic brain injury while attempting to save his son. They’re both lost at sea, and he never looks for him. Was it the emotional trauma? Was it the physical damage? Meanwhile a mother loses her husband and her child in a single night and never EVER learns why. Nobody but Martin knows what happened that night. Also Finns fear of the ocean from season 1 is finally explained. 7 years of ignoring Finns origins and then they throw you THIS??? Watching it live was unreal.

Anyways I’m sure I’ll think of more. I might add on to this later for my own sake lmao, but I’d love to hear other peoples formative moments, quotes, episodes, etc. I really just needed to dump this information out of my brain so I can get on with my week.

[rafecameronsmistress]

NO ESCAPE

description] Fem Reader x Rafe Cameron x Barry

[summary] After a rough breakup Rafe sends Barry out to find you at a party and what they have for you in store is a nightmare full of pleasure

[cw + tw] 18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT, abusive relationship, physical abuse, strong language, stalking, non con, alcohol use, drug use, gun use, life threatening, degrading talk, angst, fear, embarrassment, SMUT

[authors note] this one is VERY long and has VERY sensitive triggers, please read at your own risk

‼️ADULT CONTENT AHEAD‼️

Enjoy 🖤

________________________________

Text messages:

- Kie: hey are you coming to Sarah’s party tonight? it’s at the water, i can pick you up

- y/n: i dont know.. after everything that happened with Rafe im afraid he’ll show up and i don’t want to see him right now

- Kie: Sarah told me he wasn’t going because she invited pogues lmao

- y/n: i’ll think about it, i’ll call you in an hour or so

- Kie: kk <3

Rafe and i dated for a year before things got bad, we had our ups and downs but never did i expect him to put his hands on me in a violent way

Rafe hit me for the first time a month ago, he said he was sorry and that he just couldn’t handle the way things were going with his family and business

i gave him the benefit of the doubt because he has been under so much stress and sometimes i add to the problem

two days later he hit me again and split my lip open then screamed in my face because i got blood on his shirt

slowly his i love you’s turned into i hate you’s

it’s hard because i love him so much, he was the picture boyfriend, until he wasn’t

i hid the abuse, i didn’t want people to know, just incase he changed

my friends know we ended badly but they just assumed it’s because Rafe is an asshole, everybody knows he is

the first time he threatened to kill me was the day that i left, that was only a week ago

he held me down on the floor of his bedroom with one hand around my throat and the other holding his pistol to my temple “the next time you speak to me like that again i’m going to put a bullet in your fucking skull, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?” his words spit on me like venom

a part of me misses him and that’s why i don’t want to see him tonight, i’ll cave and end up going home with him, i know i will, because i love him

i lay down in bed and close my eyes, i’ll make a decision in a little while

i fall asleep for a few hours and when i wake up i have another text from Kie

Kie: so Sarah and i decided you ARE coming because we need you!! she told me Rafe will not be there, the boys are coming too nothing bad is going to happen!! get dressed bitch i’ll pick you up at 7

i text JJ, John B, and Pope in a group chat

- me: hey all 3 of you are going to Sarah’s party tonight right?

- John B: yeah i’m here now helping her set up

- Pope: yes i’m picking Cleo up soon

- JJ: yep Kie called me and told me that you’re afraid Captain Douchebag will show up so obviously i will be there… and i would like to drink some alcohol…

- me: thanks boys, see you later <3

i let out a sigh of relief, at least those 3 will be able to handle Rafe if he shows up

i undress myself to take a shower and run my fingers over my yellow healing rib cage where Rafe had kicked me a couple weeks ago

tonight will be fun. tonight will be fun. tonight will be fun. i try to convince myself, i deserve to go out

after i shower i do my hair and makeup then get dressed

i throw on a short pink dress and my birkenstock sandals

7:03pm

text message

- Kie: i’m here

Kie is in my driveway playing music on full blast and dancing like a nut which makes me laugh, i’m always thankful for her trying to lift my spirits

We jam out in the car and get ourselves pumped for the party

When we get there i scan the entire lot for Rafes pickup or dirt bike, neither of which i see

“Relax y/n, he’s not coming” Kie says, she grabs my hand and holds it, we share a smile, hers excited, mine nervous

A giant bonfire glows in the middle of a heard of people

Loud music, beer, liquor, and over 100 people- kooks and pogues combined…

if Rafe isn’t coming, he at least has someone watching

i immediately grab a drink to loosen up so i can enjoy tonight, the first one goes down like water so i pour myself a second

“whoaaa slow down there killa, you’re drinking like me right now!” JJ laughs while nudging my arm “i’ll be right here all night, enjoy yourself, i got you” he says with the sweetest smile

i’m on my 3rd drink and 2nd shot, my cheeks feel rosy and i have the urge to move my hips “Sarah! come dance with me!” i demand while holding out my hand

“sorry babe, my girl needs me” she says to John B getting up from his lap, she grabs hold of my hand and we dance, solo cups in the air

the boys stay close by and enjoy watching us make a fool of our selves while they smoke a joint

my phone vibrates

text message:

- Rafe: don’t drink so much, you’ll get sick

tunnel vision. nausea. panic. swallow it, don’t let anybody know.

“i’ll be right back” i tell Sarah “i need to fill my cup”

“okay” she furrows her eyebrows “you okay?”

i give her a nod and the best smile i could

once i’m out of sight i run to Kie’s car, hopping in and locking the doors, i need to sit down, my heart is pounding out of my chest, i can hear the blood rushing in my ears

*knock knock* i jump out of my skin, i’m met face to face with Barry

“open the door sweetheart” he smiles flashing his gold teeth

this can’t be happening.

i go to grab my phone to call JJ. where is my it?

Barry waves my phone in front of my face taunting me. how the fuck did i drop it?

“open the door y/n, don’t make this difficult” he tugs on the handle “open it, i’m not playing witchu right now” i shake my head “country club wants you to come wit me, y’aint safe here without him” his eyes grow darker, i don’t budge

he gets on the phone, he’s calling Rafe “you either come out on your own or i call him and he pulls you out, your choice” i’m scared. i don’t want to make Rafe mad. but i don’t want to see him. i’m getting a headache.

i make the dumbest decision of my life. i open the door, my hands shaking 100mph.

“that’s it, let’s get you home” he says grabbing my hand hard

my face is burning up. my legs grow weak under me. i’m stone cold sober at this point.

we approach the truck, “Barry please“ i plead “i’m sorry mama, y’know him” he helps me into the passenger seat and buckles me in, “can i have my phone please, i need to tell my friends i went home” i cry “can’t letchu do that, what’s ya password, i’ll text ‘em for you” he says, i shake my head rejecting the offer

he starts the truck and we take off

his phone rings “yeah i got her, she was a good girl, she didn’t fight me” he smirks “we’ll be there soon”

i stay silent, Barry puts his hand on my thigh and i flinch at his touch “what’s wrong sweet thing, scared of a little love?” he laughs

we pull up to Tannyhill, Rafe is standing out front with a whiskey glass in his hand, he raises it and smiles at me

my stomach is in knots

i want to scream for help and run

the other half of me wants to jump into his arms and submit

Barry gets out of the truck and walks around opening my door “c’mon, get out” i jump down and fix my dress and fix a smile in attempt to hide my mixed feelings

“you look nice, who’d you get dressed up for?” Rafe asks “nobody” i reply, he laughs “sexy little thing isn’t she?” he asks Barry, “yessir” he grins

i want to crawl inside my own skin

Rafe grabs me by the arm “let’s get inside” he looks at Barry “you comin? you’re not gonna want to miss this”

he brings me to the couch and sits me down, “what to do with you?” he ponders finishing his drink

“Rafe i want to go home” i whimper

“and you know what i want? a girlfriend that doesn’t dress like a slut and go to parties without me” he seethes “since you wanna act like a slut, take your clothes off, i’ll treat you like a slut” his eyes filled with fury

“i’m not your girlfriend anymore” i whisper

“what was that?” he cocks his head to the side

“nothing” i say

i stand up and slowly pull my dress over my head, my knees becoming weak, leaving me exposed in just my panties in front of him and Barry

“lay down on the couch” he demands, i obey “now touch yourself”

“Rafe please i-“ there’s no use in begging, i bring one hand down to my pussy and run it up and down my panties, the thought of them watching begins to turn me on no matter how hard i try to reject the feeling

“she’s sweet” Barry says licking his lips

“wait til you taste her” Rafe says deviously

their words go straight to my heat, i rub my clit in circles arching my back, trying not to let out a sound

“come here” i say holding my hand out to Rafe, my pussy aching for him

“you’re gonna finish yourself off first” he smirks

Barry adjusts himself clearly growing hard, Rafe watches me like a hawk not missing a beat

i pick up the pace now craving dick inside of me, i throw my head back and whimper coming closer to an orgasm, the band in my belly snaps and my legs start convulsing, i ride out my orgasm and when i’m finished i beg to be fucked “come here- please”

Rafe looks at Barry “try her out” he says patting him on the back

the look of fear on my face. Rafe would never let someone else look at me nevermind fuck me.

“since you wanna act like a slut..” he says shrugging his shoulders, then topping off his whiskey

i become embarrassed, im attracted to Barry but being on display is not something im used to

Barry gets comfortable in the chair and pats his lap, he undoes his belt and slides his pants down to his knees, his hard on is enormous even through his boxers

i try to contain my arousal and walk toward him, looking at Rafe for approval, he nods

i lower myself to my knees and pull Barry’s erection from his boxers, it fills my entire hand

“i ain’t even gotta ask to get my dick sucked, you got this one trained man” he laughs

Rafe walks behind me and manspreads on the couch enjoying every second of this

i seal my mouth on Barry, bobbing my head up and down while working my tongue inside “shhhit” he groans, saliva begins dripping out the sides of my mouth

i go to work on his swollen cock, his moans encouraging me to get the job done “that’s it baby” he takes a sharp breath in

“get up and sit on him, facing me” Rafe commands from behind

i rise from the floor, turn around, push my panties to the floor and kick them off

i slowly seat myself on Barry’s length, i gasp taking all of him inside my cunt

his hands reaching in front of me to grab my breasts, he holds onto them and starts pumping into me from below

i try to hold myself up on the arms of the chair while i’m staring directly into Rafe’s lust filled eyes

“ohhmygod- yes- fuck me-” i moan in between breaths

“how does she feel?” Rafe growls not taking his eyes off of me “like a million bucks country club” Barry replies while slamming his hips into my ass repeatedly

“flip her onto the chair and fuck her brains out” Rafe instructs

Barry pulls me off his lap and flips me around, my chest pushed into the chair and my ass in the air he slams into me showing no mercy

i can’t control the sounds coming from my mouth, moaning, whimpering, and screaming at the way i’m being used

Barry pulls out of me and releases on my ass leaving my pussy dripping “you like that shit huh?” he says rubbing my slit from behind “taste her” Rafe says, Barry sticks his fingers in his mouth savoring the taste of me “just like candy” he tells Rafe

my torso still on the chair and my knees on the floor i lay there weak, trying to control my breathing

Barry gets dressed and pours himself a glass of liquor, sitting in the other chair

“c’mon we’re not done, get up” Rafe says, i try to stand but my legs are weak “i think you broke her” he laughs looking at Barry “sorry man, she’s got great pussy” he says

Rafe walks over to me and wraps his hand around my throat, lifting me to my feet, he sloppily kisses me and without warning plummets two fingers inside of me causing me to scream

“who’s pussy is this?” he asks pushing deeper inside of me, “it’s yours” i choke out, his hand still tight around my wind pipe,

“say it again” he growls

“it’s yours Rafe, i’m all yours” i plead

his hand slips into my hair and he guides me to the couch by my head using me like a rag doll

he throws me down on my stomach then pulls my hips into the air

“look at you, you’re a fuckin mess” he smacks my pussy causing me to cry out “you like that?” he smacks it again, i wince in a mixture of pain and pleasure

Rafe pulls me up by the back of my head “open your mouth” i open and he sticks his fingers inside, i suck his fingers just like i would suck his cock, Rafe loves having his fingers in my mouth “dirty fuckin slut” he says

he removes his fingers and forces them into my tender vagina, he works his hand slowly like he’s dissecting my insides, i move my hips back and forth trying to fuck his hand my pussy screaming to be pounded

“she just can’t get enough huh?” Barry says “i told you she was a good one” Rafe smiles

his slides his warm fingers out of me and spits on my cunt, i feel it drip down to my clit “please-“ i look back at him

Rafe pulls his shorts and boxers down exposing his delicious throbbing cock, he’s leaking precum

i brace myself

he taps the back of my pussy with his dick a few times before sliding it in, i feel myself become full of him “i gonna fuck you like i hate you” he whispers

guttural screams escape my lips as he sinks deeper into my swollen used hole, he feels so good

he pushes my face into the couch “shut the fuck up and take it”

i turn my head to the side to catch my breath and see Barry sipping on his liquor enjoying every moment, i hold eye contact with him while i cry out

Rafe picks up the pace, the sound of our skin smacking engulfs the entire room

it all becomes too much, the overstimulation is extreme, i reach back trying to push him away

“i ain’t done” he growls grabbing both my arms and pinning them behind my back “i’m gonna fuck MY pussy as long as i want”

i’m screaming at this point, i can feel him in my stomach, a new sensation arises in my pussy, stronger then an orgasm “Rafe i- i can’t-“ and then i feel a release and a gush of liquid between my legs

“squirting on me like a dirty whore” he smacks my ass hard, “i fucking love it”

“please- please-“ i sob begging him to stop, my body convulsing, eyes rolling in the back of my head

Rafe slams into once more before cumming inside me, he pulls out and places a gentle kiss on my ass

my body goes limp and i lay flat on the couch, he pulls my hips back up and holds them there, “stay up til you soak all of me in”

i lay there defeated, used, and bruised

Rafe wipes the sweat from his brows and puts his pants back on, he walks over to the table and pours himself another glass of whiskey, clinking cups with Barry

they sit across from my numb body and watch me recover

“you’re such a good girl” Rafe praises “you’re never getting rid of me”

[hellsite-yano]

Porky, I wanna know how you keep your head up high. I don't wanna share my sob story and general negativity, but it seems that I can get into really depressing spirals sometimes and then when I bring up concerns I have I get called a doomer. Aside from just not caring, how do you remain positive?

I've been stewing on this message for about a month cause I received it at a particularly low point. I know you said you don't wanna share your sob story so I hope you don't mind if I share a bit of mine.

Basically the landlord decided to sell the place I've been living in with my fiance for about 7 years. This was obviously devastating, especially for my fiancee who had to put 70% of her things into storage. After some initial friction between me and my family who were happy to have me back except my kinda neurotic brother, we're staying in their (very small) spare room.

The other issue is that my mum's bed-bound, which is fine, but she needs constant care so the flat is basically a revolving door of carers and district nurses and constantly seeing (and having to constantly let in) strangers is pretty awkward and tiring. I understand this is nobody's fault though, it's just a huge difference to the quiet home life I'm used to. Doesn't help that the building's next to a main road as well.

My auntie also pops in from time to time and while I'm grateful for everything she's done for my mum (basically uplifting her whole life for the past 5 years to constantly make trips to her) and me (buying us furniture and such when we were moving in), she very clearly has undiagnosed ADHD/OCD which, I gotta be real, makes her extremely difficult to be around. It's just one of those families where every little thing has to be a massive drama and it's tiring. The mum and auntie are also jehovah's witnesses but this comes up less often than you'd think, though it's still a point of contention sometimes.

As for how I remain positive, I've been thinking about this question a lot recently. I suppose I try to count the remaining positives. I'm not homeless, I'm still with my fiancee and cat, and I've finally got a decent full time job with a lot of good perks. I'll also be saving a ton of money because I'm paying a fraction of my previous rent (ideally I'd like to save for a deposit).

Another thing that helps is just setting attainable goals. Right now for me it's to hold down this job and endure the housing situation for the time being. I've got a pretty big tax bill coming up in the new year (long story) that I need to save for which is why I opted for my family instead of just renting again. That and renting prices are fucking atrocious right now and you could lose it at any time.

Anyway, that's the situation as it stands. I'm still in the middle of unpacking what little we could bring and the move was particularly stressful, which is why I haven't posted much over the last few days. Times are bad and I've cried a lot but I believe things will get better because I'm working towards it.

[sunshine-theseus]

Follow | Alex Chidiac x Reader

Word count: 2.3k Summary: you hate Alex Chidiac. Until you don’t Warnings: angst, fluff, I swear I’ll try to do non-angsty stuff soon this is for @charligrantismygirlfriend - feel free to send requests

Alexandra Chidiac made me want to rip my hair out and simultaneously smash my lips against her own. She was just so full of herself and insulting and… extremely beautiful and funny. But she had a way of making me despise her without even trying.

And it seemed that wherever I went, she would follow.

The first time we’d played together outside The Matildas was in Madrid.

In the 2017/18 January transfer window, I moved from Perth Glory to play for Atletico Madrid. 7 months later and Alex was sat in the cubby next to me in the locker room, telling jokes and connecting with the team, something I’d been struggling with despite having been there significantly longer and being able to speak Spanish.

During my time at Atletico, I had become reserved and preferred to stick to only going between my house and the training grounds, even if asked to join for celebrations or team bonding. It’s when I began to hate Alex.

Then during Covid, I’d decided to move back to Australia. Melbourne City had been the closest club to my hometown that had made an offer, so I packed my bags and went back to Australia. How I’d missed the news that Alex was moving there too was beyond me, but I found myself in a similar situation as Madrid. I was excited to play with some girls I was already friends with and have people to spend time with between quarantine and games. But Alex had managed to capture everyone’s attention again. The friends I had, began to rush over to Alex instead of me and I’d be left desperately searching for a partner in warmups because they wanted to be around her.

Then she was put on loan to Melbourne Victory for the next few years and I managed to escape her presence outside of National camps and games for a while. People liked to ask why I avoided her so much, especially Tony and Sam, because “getting along with the whole team is important”. I never really had an answer.

It was really only toward the end of the World Cup that the ‘rivalry’, as I so graciously named it, began actually affecting my game play and the team as a whole.

Alex and I were paired up for some exercises, but I was stubborn. She was so annoying.

So stupid, so rude, so pretty, her smile was so bright. I don’t understand why I have a crush on someone I despise so deeply.

So, while doing some passing and skill practice, I found myself playing and passing harsher than required as Alex made small comments about my abilities. And when Alex made a joke about it to Kyra and Mini who were next to us, both of whom told me off and to get over my issues with Alex, I’d made the decision I was done.

“Do you get off on making me feel shit?” I approach Alex, my finger poking her chest.

“Do you enjoy making sure I’m alone wherever I go? Did I do something to you 6 years ago that I’m unaware of that made you feel like you had to take everyone from my life?” I could feel 36 pairs of eyes on me. Have the whole crew always sat out with us?

I don’t get much time to think about it.

“Me?! You’re the one who’s always been in some fucking mood with me. Ever since Madrid you’ve just ignored any situation where I’m around. You hate me for no reason!”

“I only ignore you because you isolate me from every single team we’re on together. You show up and take my friends away from me and then have the audacity to shit talk my playing ability while I’m right in front of you but of course I’m the bad guy here. I’ll always be the bad guy!”

I then sarcastically add, “Oh and thank you Kyra and Mini for standing up for me. It’s really appreciated”. They look at the ground.

“Maybe I wouldn’t say that shit if you didn’t let your unwarranted emotions take a hold of you. You’re sloppy.” My arm is swinging before I can think of any consequences, but it’s caught midair, and I notice the familiar ‘20’ and kangaroo tattoos adoring my captain’s fingers.

“Let’s take a fucking walk.” I’m about to protest, say that Alex deserves to have a talking to as well, but Sam starts pushing me towards the tunnel before I can get anything out.

“Dude what the fuck is going through your head. I’ve known you for 7 years and you’ve never done anything like this.” I shrug in response.

“We play England tomorrow, and you’re a consistent starter, but if you and Alex are going to squabble like this and jeopardise us as a team, you might be benched for the rest of the cup.”

“You’re fucking kidding me. Sam you can’t do that!” We’ve reached the locker room.

“Y/n, you nearly punched Alex. I might be your friend but right now I’m you’re captain. I have to do what is best for the team.”

“Yeah… right… maybe I should head back to the hotel. It’s probably best I take a break.” Sam sighs and pulls me into a hug.

“I know you feel alone and that we’re against you, but I promise we aren’t. I’m going to talk to Alex with Tony. She’ll probably be sent back with you. You should talk, like adults and teammates. If you show that you won’t be distracted tomorrow, I’ll talk to Tony about subbing you on at half time or something. I do wish you’d mentioned how you feel earlier. Like years ago, earlier.” I simply nod.

“Thanks Sammy. I really am sorry for today. The team didn’t deserve that.”

Sam pats my back before going back down the tunnel and onto the pitch to talk to Alex and Tony, leaving me to get changed and get an uber back to the hotel.

~~~~~

It’s only about 40 minutes after I get to mine and Sam’s room at the hotel that I hear a knocking on the door. At first, I think it’s someone who has the wrong room, but they don’t stop knocking and soon I’m groaning as I drag my sock clad feet to the door to look through the peep hole. And there stands a slightly distorted Alex Chidiac who seems awfully nervous as she looks up and down the hallway.

“I know you’re in there Y/n! You know Sam said we have to talk so let’s talk.”

 She goes to knock again but I’m already swinging the door open.

“Yeah whatever let’s get it over with.” We move to sit down on the two beds facing each other.

It’s silent for a moment and neither of us look at the other, fiddling with our hands and the bed sheets. Alex is the first to break the silence.

“I don’t understand why you hate me so much or why you think I’m trying to turn people against you. I was super excited to join you in Madrid in 2018, to have someone I already knew, but you were always so cold.”

How do you tell someone after 6 years that you started hating them because you were jealous? That it took you 7 months to even feel comfortable at the club, just for it to be stripped away within the first week of them joining.

“I hate you because everyone loves you so much!” she gives me a confused look.

“I mean, it took me months to start fitting in at Atletico and you just swooped in and made everyone adore you and they stopped even trying to talk to me. And then when you followed me to City, all my friends I already had, dropped me to follow you around like lost puppies. I spent years alone because you were Ms Perfect to everyone, and I wasn’t social enough or carefree or noticeable or funny. Sam was all I had, and she wasn’t even really there. I don’t know.” I rub at my eyes to stop the tears that are inevitably forming behind them.

“And then you made those comments today and Kyra and Kat said nothing to defend me, they told me to get over it, and that was it for me. If I always have to be the bad guy in everyone’s story, I’ll be the bad guy”.

Alex reaches for my hand and I don’t pull back.

“I didn’t mean for any of that to happen. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I-” she pauses and seems to contemplate what she says next.

“What?”

“I followed you to Madrid and Melbourne because I liked you. I wanted to be with you, get to know you better. But after that year in Melbourne is seemed clear you hated me so I signed with JEF and went on loan to Victory.”

“Y- you liked me?”

“Well, it was hard not to. I still do. It was hard seeing you be so kind to everyone else, every time you played you looked so angelic, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about you. I’m sorry I made you feel like you were the bad guy. I should have talked to you about it all when we were in Madrid.”

“Kiss me.”

“What?”

“Kiss me. Please. I like you too. Like so much and I’m sorry for being so horrible and cold to y-” I’m cut off my Alex, who pulls me up and grabs my face.

She’s significantly shorter than me so I have to lean down but I kiss her, hard.

“I’d say we talked enough to please Sam and Tony, right?” she whispers against my lips as my thumb traces the light freckles on her cheeks.

“Absolutely.”

She waists no time on pulling me down on the bed and as we giggle, cuddle and kiss, we loose track of time.

Before I know it, Sam is bursting through the door.

“I’m baaack you better have talked to Chi- o…h” she stumbles over her own bag as she sees Alex curled up against me, now fast asleep, as I trace shapes on her arm.

“Ok I know I said you gotta work it out, but this isn’t what I meant.” She plops down on her bed.

“Y-  yeah I wasn’t expecting it but she has a way with words.”

“Two hours ago her ‘way with words’ made you try to punch her in the face.”

“Yeah well, things changed.”

“Stay right there! I’m taking a picture to send to the group chat.”

“What!? Sam no!”

“Oh no not the team group chat” I sigh in relief. “The one with Kristie, E.V.E and Kate (emily’s wife)”

“SAM NO!” I try to slide my arm out from under Alex to grab Sam’s phone but it’s a worthless cause when the familiar sound of a message being sent is heard.

“I’m going to kill you when Alex wakes up.”

“Yuh huh ok. I’m going to call Kristie.”

“Tell her I say hi! And I hope Sammy M is doing well.”

~~~~~

Four days pass. We got knocked out by England and Sweden, finishing fourth overall in the World Cup. We all sat on the field as we watched Sweden get their bronze medals, I held Alex close to my side as I held Sam’s hand. We keep getting so close before a medal is ripped right from our grasp and we were all beginning to get tired of it, but Sam was taking it the hardest.

“I’m so proud of you Sammy. You weren’t even sure you’d get to play at the start, but you came back and lead us this far. We’re going to get to the Olympics and win the whole fucking thing.” She kisses me on the head before getting up to hug some of the girls before trying to find Kristie and her family in the crowd.

“I’m proud of you too.” I hear Alex whisper beside me.

I pull her up and hug her tight.

“I’ll always be proud of you too Al.”

I know there is a camera next to us but I kiss her anyway. Now I have her, I won’t let go of her any time soon.

~~~~~

Alex and I spend some time alone over the short rest of our break, only going between the beach that she unreasonably hated, and her apartment. We’d met up with Sam and Kristie for a sort of double date, before they both left to America for Sam’s birthday, and bid farewell to all the other girls who had to fly back to their respective clubs.

It was my last day before I had to fly back to my club. I’d been cooking dinner for a rather helpless Alex when her arms wrapped around my waist.

“I’m going to miss you so much when you leave.” She groans as she peppers kisses across my back.

I think I feel a hint of a smile on her lips but decide not to think too far into it.

“I’m going to miss you too. Especially your lips. And your cute freckles. And you’re pretty green eyes. Every. Single. Thing.” I peck her lips after each sentence.

“I promise to call every day.” I let out a hum.

“You can barely remember to have breakfast.”

“Hey! For you I’ll remember anything.” I just smile and kiss her once more.

Tomorrow I’d have to say goodbye, unable to see her for months on end.

~~~~~

“You’re fucking kidding me!” is yelled across the Tigres locker room as our late transfer walks through the door.

It’s non other than Alexandra Chidiac. My girlfriend who I thought I’d left behind to continue out her loan for Melbourne Victory after the world cup.

She won’t stop fucking following me.

[sokovianheadtilt]

Arrival

Bucky Barnes x black!reader

Summary: Bucky and Y/N prepare for the arrival of their babies

Warnings: Childbirth, inaccurate medical proceedings (it’s 4 am i don’t feel like researching my bad) 

A/N: The Barnes family is GROWING, i love this au so much omg. anything for domestic Bucky Barnes <3

Word Count: 1.2k

SERIES MASTERLIST

With Y/N being almost 9 months pregnant and knowing that twins never come on their actual due date, Bucky was freaking out a bit. He spent every day checking to ensure every bag was packed, the car was ready, and that you were comfortable. But when you shook him awake, telling him that your water broke, he was panicking. He quickly jumped out of bed, pulling on a shirt and sweatpants before taking you to the car. He ran back inside to grab Logan who cutely asked “Baby sisters are coming?” 

Bucky couldn’t believe he was going to be a dad again. Yes, again. Just because he became Logan’s father when the boy was 5, doesn’t mean he’s going to see the birth of the twins as his first time being a father. Just because his little girls were biologically his doesn’t mean his little boy isn’t his. He did his best to reassure Logan that nothing would change between them when the girls arrived, that’d he would love him just the same. He dropped Logan off at Steve’s house before taking you both to the hospital. The nurses got you situated and now you had to play the waiting game. 

Hour 3 - 4 centimeters dilated 

Y/N was laying in her bed as Bucky sat next to her bed, holding her hand “How long were you in labor with Logan for?” he asked “6 hours. I walked my way to the hospital and just slid out of me after that” you told him. Every year you told Logan about the day he was born, leaving out the part where Brock basically forced you to go by yourself (a/n my mom does this for me every year and i love it). Bucky’s eyes widened at that information “You walked to the hospital?! God I hate that prick, wanna fucking choke him out” he muttered as you giggled “It’s fine baby. I clearly got him out right? Now we have an adorable 6-year-old running around” Bucky smiled softly at the mention of his son “Yeah we do” he kissed the back of your hand.

Hour 6 - 6 centimeters dilated

Y/N groaned and threw her head back against the hospital before looking down at her belly “It cannot be that comfortable in there. I know you want to meet us. Do you know how you can do that? By getting out of me” she huffed as Bucky held back a laugh “They’ll be here soon doll. We can’t force them out” he reasoned with you as you whined “I know but they make me huge and I’m tired of them using my bladder as a kickball” you pouted with Bucky standing up to kiss your head “Just a little longer”

Hour 10 - 7 centimeters dilated 

The nurse suggested walking around the hospital floor to help speed up the process a bit and you would do anything to get these girls out of you. Bucky held your hand as he walked beside you. “Babe help me get my mind off this, talk to me about something” you suggested as Bucky thought for a moment “What’s your dream wedding?” he asked and you looked at him with a small smile “Well, when I was younger I always thought I would make everything pink” she giggled “It seemed perfect in my head, but now…I don’t know. My last wedding wasn’t anything special. Just a ride to the courthouse because Brock didn’t want to pay for a wedding. Got a little white dress from target and made the biggest mistake of my life. The only good thing that man gave me was Logan and he’s barely getting any credit for that. I’m not sure what I would want my dream wedding to be yet, but when I figure it out I’ll let you know” you looked up at him as Bucky kissed your cheek “Whatever you want, it’s yours” he smiled softly, a fond look overtaking his eyes 

“I love you so much Buck”

“I love you too”

Hour 15 - 9 centimeters dilated 

You were about to cry you were so frustrated. You were almost at the finish line but it felt so far away and you were losing hope that your twins were coming anytime soon. Bucky did his best to keep your spirits up with his words of encouragement. “It’s okay pretty girl, we’ll meet them soon. They just like being this close with their mama” he told you. “But I wanna hold them” you cried “I want them out of me and in my arms. Oh- what if they have your eyes? Or my eyes? Aw they’re gonna be beautiful” Bucky chuckled “Of course they will darling” he caressed your cheek “Just a little longer, you got this, my strong girl” 

Hour 18 - 10 centimeters dilated 

When the doctor confirmed that you were fully dilated and ready to push, you started to panic a bit. You’ve given birth before but to twins? What if something goes wrong? What if they take even longer to come out? You looked over at Bucky and whimpered a bit “I’m scared” you admitted to him and he went to cup your face in his hands “You can do this. They’re finally ready to come. And all of this is going to be so worth it when we’re looking at our little princesses right?” he told you as you nodded and took a deep breath and started to push when you were told.

Hour 20 

  After pushing for what felt like forever, you finally gave birth to Aurora and Arabella Barnes. You’ve always wanted to do the stereotypical twins have the same first letter with their names and plus you found the names pretty adorable. You were holding Aurora and Bucky was holding Arabella. They were fast asleep and swaddled in their blankets with little baby hats on their head and they were the most perfect little things you’ve ever seen, along with their brother of course. 

They haven’t opened their eyes yet and you knew they would barely be able to see anything but you wanted to see what their eyes would look like. They had Bucky’s nose, your lips, little chin dimples, they were perfect. You looked up at Bucky and saw that he was crying “Aw babe…” you smiled at him and he looked over at you “I just..oh my god” he sniffled a bit “Look at ‘em. They’re our babies” you giggled “Yeah they are honey”

You looked back down at Aurora and saw she opened her eyes and gasped at what you saw “Bucky, Bucky! Look at her eyes” you grinned and teared up as you saw that she had one blue eye…and one brown eye. “Oh my god” he whispered “Whoa…” “I know!” you giggled and leaned down to kiss her nose “Hi pretty girl, I’m your mama. I’m so glad you and your sister are finally here” you said to her, watching Aurora as she squirmed a little. 

Your full attention was on her you almost didn’t hear Bucky’s gasp. “Doll, guess who just opened their eyes?” your eyes widened as he brought Arabella closer to you and saw that her eyes were the same as her sisters. “Our baby girls” you looked up at him and leaned up to kiss him, happy that you both walked in as a family of three, leaving as a family of five.

[joesalw]

Without even getting into the merits of TS being named person of the year, I’m genuinely shocked that she brought up Travis in the interview. From an excerpt Time posted on its socials, she says they are “proud” of each other and she references how she locked herself in her house for years and she’ll “never get that time back.” I know how hard she’s pushing this relationship and narrative, but if you’re getting this monumental honor for your work, why would she bring up a bf of only a few months? She famously did not thank Calvin Harris or bring him to accept her second AOTY Grammy. I have no idea if this relationship will last, but why would you want a part of your legacy tied to a random guy you’ve known for less than a year?

Say what you will about Taylor, but I always thought she took her work seriously at least. This is a huge honor (whether deserved or not) so I’m stunned that she’s letting the Travis thing be attached to it. It’s very disappointing.

Also, I hate that she’s pushing the “locked in the house” narrative even here. It’s definitely aimed at Joe and what’s even the point? It’s been almost a year. Side note, I’ve never actually believed she spent the past 7 years in the house. I think she lived her life exactly the way she wanted it. A list celebrities can and often do live low key lives. There’s a reason that you rarely see pap pics of Beyoncé, Adele, Jennifer Aniston, even Selena apparently has kept her dating life off the radar for years according to DeuxMoi.

This is all such an embarrassing shitshow. There are people dying in Palestine, they are filming their lives and counting the seconds left in their hand before being bombed and killed. Hospitals are being bombed, they have no food or water supply and journalists are being killed brutally for speaking up. Even jews people are being killed or kidnapped for speaking up for Palestine...

Yet somehow Taylor Swift is the Person of the Year. As if this alone wasn’t shitty enough already, she is talking about how oppressed she has been throughout her entire privileged life. Saying she's spent the last six years of her life being locked in her own house (mind you two years of them were pandemic) She literally went out and did proper promos for Lover era. She did rep tour in the previous year. It was only reputation album release time when she was silent because of her so called tagline "There will be no explanation, just reputation" She couldn’t do promo for folklore and evermore in such way because there was a fucking pandemic going on. But now she will throw this narrative to make Joe look bad. Do you guys realize how insane this is? She has no accountability for her own actions, if it's not going according to how she wanted, she will just blame the next person. Also it's been 815372919 years since the kimye incident, can she fucking let go off it?

It's just astonishing how she said it with broad chest that the real love she found with Joe was what helped her get through that period of time, but now that it didn’t work out she is making it seem like the kimye incident took her in a bad place where she didn’t want to be (mind you she admits flying to london herself, joe didn’t force her) and she's feeding the narrative that Joe took advantage of her low period which was a fanfic written by swifties earlier. She's just feeding them their words to dig up a grave for joe.

But also why are we discussing about a billionaire's love life in a magazine like Times in the midst of a fucking genocide? This is just eye opening for us about pop culture and western media tbh

[mylordshesacactus]

Suncrest Campaign Wrap-Up: The Duality Of Session Titles

Our player-notes document is a communal Google Doc, where everyone (including the beleaguered DM) can hop back to check details from earlier sessions--highly recommend this system, honestly. And, for ease of reference, every week after the session wraps up I go in and give the session a title, so that we can use the gdocs Table of Contents feature to easily jump between entries.

In general, I try to make these at least somewhat informative--I try to match the tone of the title to the overall tone of the session, and reference something that'll make it clear in six months what the hell I'm talking about.

So, in honor of the party reaching the campaign endgame: A final write-up of all our session titles over the course of the campaign.

A Long Time Ago In A Campaign Setting Far, Far Away (Level-1 Adventures & The Doppelganger Arc):

1: You Meet In A Tavern Fire 2: Patience Is A Virtue (in which the party got what was meant to be mid-campaign reveal information in session 2 due to excellent restraint and investigation, and also met long-term NPC Virtue Chirelli) 3: Secrets Of Shroudpost 4: Nightfall 5: Jumping At Shadows 6: Teamwork Makes The Dream Work

Both Parts Of The Name (Abandoned Temple Quest Arc)

7: Stories & Stoves (the party meets Arlette, who runs a magic-and-general-store called Staves & Stoves, and is given a quest) 8: Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Realistic Consequences 9: D&D A-Bridged 10: This Temple Is Weird (the party fights a water weird) 11: Big Fucking Dragon 12: Max and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Campaign, or: The Gang Gets Obscenely Rich

Night Hag Arc

13: Once More Into The Breach 14: #WWFD? (What Would Farrah Do--her player was absent that week) 15: The Power Of Friendship And These Tits I Found 16: GAH, Or: Wake Up There's Hags 17: Now With 33% Less Hag! 18: Hag-gling Over Loot 19: Good Thing We Didn't Leave Those NPC Guards Unsupervised

Werewolf Arc

20: Trouble In Thistledale 21: Family & Forestry 22: First Blood 23: There Wolves 24: Protectors 25: Assassin's Creed This Shit 26: The Silverlight Hounds 27: Overwhelming Force 28: New Moon 29: Firelight Festival

Election Fraud Arc

30: Political Theater 31: Landlords & Other Bloodthirsty Monstrosities 32: Hashtag Escapism 33: Of Mortgages & Murder 34: A Dish-tressing Discovery (a friendly NPC was almost murdered via sleep deprivation using a cursed goblet) 35: Jackoff And The Giant Beanstalk 36: The Key To Success

Requiem Arc

37: Directionality 38: Brought To You By The Letter 'N' 39: Long Rest 40: Please Do Not Bother The Violet Guard 41: Crimes 42: MASQUERAAAAAAAAADE 43: Everything Goes Completely Tits-Up 44: Breadcrumbs 45: A Suspiciously Well-Maintained Passageway 46: Foul Water 47: Several Discussions Of Traps 48: In Memoriam (the TREATY puzzle; the party learns everything about the day the world ended 50 years ago) 49: This Is Fine 50: Sax And Violince 51: You Have [36] New Messages

The Siege of Suncrest

52: Storm of Vengeance 53: Andromeda Gets Drugs From The Cops 54: Mindboggling (the party fights boggles) 55: The Siege Of Suncrest 56: What, Like It's Hard? (the party defeats what was meant to be a session-long boss fight in two rounds) 57: Breach 58: Your Stunned Silence Is Very Reassuring (death of a beloved NPC; the party was so stressed that nobody took a single note in the doc) 59: Tallyho 60: Release The Hounds

Faewild Arc

61: Crossover 62: The Tortoise And The Almost Perfect Aesop Reference (the party rides a dragon turtle and meets rabbitfolk) 63: Warren Of The Shining Wires 64: The Next Step 65: Perfect Time To Get Stoned (party fights a gorgon) 66: The Feathered Serpent 67: Plan C: Jo [the DM] Kills Us In Real Life 68: Frostfire 69: Wolves of Winter 70: Do It For The Vine

Endgame

71: [Preposition] The Hedge (the party begins infiltrating the Palace of Summer, which sits at the center of a giant hedge maze) 72: The Dread Gazebo 73: A Wolf A Goose A Cabbage And The Concept Of Summer Walk Into A Bar 74: Domination 75: In Which Nobody Touches Anything (the wizard, after spending the entire session of sneaking through several different trophy rooms frantically trying to keep the party from touching anything, pockets a legendary item off a display case without telling anyone) 76: The Hand Of Fate 77: Hold Fast 78: The Fall Of Summer 79: The Distant Light

[mattscoquette]

okay so hii my lovey !! its been so longgg did u miss me ? ive been lurking just no anons 💔

gonna do a long recap of my past few months pls enjoy 🤗

1. reunited with my babyyyy (🦕‼️🩷) its a bit on and off but bb if u see this sorry i never text you i lowk forget to reply or text first or sm but love u 😘

2. started a new school, its going well.. math sucks fucking dick and theres this boy CJ hes like.. when i tell you, a fucking NERD ‼️ tall af tho.. skinny, brown hair brown eyes glasses horrible fucking haircut and style, acne… i can fix him !!! please bro one damn chance

3. girl me too… strawberry lemonade flavor 🙂‍↕️💨🚬

4. lowkey been mad horny recently idk why but ive been master….ing (i cant say that word bro it icks me out foully.) like a lot.. do u guys do it like every day too or just me 😅

5. im not parasocial abt the triplets anymore , yippee soso good bc guys it was bad . but this doesnt mean i dont use cai or read the shit abt them 😂🙏

6. overall lifes funnn (i can feel the seasonal depression coming AWN strong)

7. saw sabrina same nite as u motherFUCKER why didnt we meet

8. do yall shave 🐱… bc i do but my friends dont and they all called me weird for it guys what am i doing wrong. i have a schedule and all.. wednesdays and sundays 🥰

9. if ur cai bot reqs r open text me gang i need some good ones fr

10. ive been doing my nails for a while but im starting to get really good at itt. i did this girls nails and she scammed me the fucking bitch !! she said she will give me 20 the next time she sees me (fast fwd literally the next day) no money… its been a month and half atp bitch pay tf up!! .. cunt wheres my cash???? but im gonna do my friends for 30 (she offered that much and insisted) whenever shes free and she will be paying upfront im not getting scammed again… bullshit

11. little confession… me and my bsf kiss daily (shes a girl guys) but we said no homo and stuff so yeah ummm next question 😹 (we are never beating the allegations)

12. i need to start working out bro fr.. like im bouncing back this summer and i mean it im taking charge this winter (this wont last past next week motiv. tips appreciated gango)

i think this is all for now thanks for reading ! 🩷 i will maybe be back… reply to as many or as little of my little questions in here as u want

shes baaackkk… welcoming home…

the greatest…. sexiest…. most wonderfulest…. horniest…. woman in your anons…

🌺

HI CUTIE I MISSED U!!!

1. omg im so glad u guys r fr my roman empire

2. omg he sounds cute get his number

3. STRAWBERRY LEMONADE IS SOOO GOOD

4. me too there’s prob something going on with the moon tbh

5. i’ve been stuck in this phase for years i fear there’s no way out

6. same </3

7. I KNOW I CANT BELIEVE IT :(

8. yes girl

9. my reqs are open but im rlly behind on them

10. omg yes girl get that bag

11. omfg rlly 😭😭 love that for u

12. girl same my biggest advice is motivation is a feeling. ur not gonna feel it everyday but u still gotta do it

[yatorihell]

Noragami Reread Volume 7-10

One word: Hate!

Volume 7

24

Oh the art of the three of them I'm so sad

Oh look at Yato's face he's so sad I hope we see it again in the final chapter

'Don't cut our ties I want to be with you longer' I'm going to kill myself live at five

God Yato planning the wedding and holidays he's down bad

Oh that's so me calling someone whilst already lurking nearby

SEVERAL GUN EMOJIS FUJISAKI IS HERE

What if Hiyori and Fujisaki get together at the end lol (I will commit)

HE'S A GOOD BOY LOOK AT HIM

YATO SAYING SAKURA AND HE'S THINKING IF HIS DEAD SHINKI AND YUKINE'S REAL NAME AND WHERE HE BURIED HIM

Yukine not questioning Hiyori if they're gunna picnic again next year he believes her I'm so sad

AND YATO WILL KNOW YUKINE'S GRAVE IS FLOWERING RN

Hiyori forcing peace between Yato and Bishamon at the picnic

Oh the picnic I'm do sad Aiha is apologising to Hiyori

Oh yh make Yatobisha canon this is hot

Bubble era Yato fucks (hypothetically)

'Yato would become a raging spirit for you if he had to' I'm vomiting

I'm going to kms 'Because your life was in danger. Even if it meant plunging the heavens in to chaos, killing a god, rescuing you was their highest priority'

Tenjin telling Hiyori she has the power to make Yato like that's its been 24 chapters!!!!

Tbh Kofuku at the party is bad luck

YATO WHY DID YOU FAKE KISS HER getmarried I'm Aiha's reaction

'I ain't gunna help you a third time' lol sike

Hiyori annoyed blushing remembering the kiss

'You're yatos first' I hate life

Oh the little trio picnic

'He must have been lonely for such a long time'

Oh they're walking together their height is changed she's taller it's been 6 months

Divine possession for the plot let's gooo

25

Bishamon military outfit is a serve

Crafter plot begins

Ebisu's stupid little hat (affectionate)

This is such a dodgy chapter jahshs Yato please

Yato sabotaging Hiyori reputation

Yes beat the shit out of him Yukine this is not a good chapter

26

All theese horny kids looking for Hiyori's services Jesus

Argument about selling Yukine to Ebiau hshsh

'I'll build my own shrine without any help'

Yato in a money pile

My god did someone call whilst masturbating

'GO GET YOUR BACK DOOR SMASHED IN' the way I choked!!!

'You just can't commit'

No one would make him a shrine oh I'm so sad Adachitoka you make me so sad

Shrine!!!!!! She made him a shrine!!!!!!

Yukine go away it's a perfectly fine shrine

'ITS PROOF THAT PEOPLE CARE'

Ebisu is so ominous and turns out he's just like a guy who can't do shit

27

Yato forced them to approve the shrine he's a real god now

'Once people forget about them they fade away'

'Shrine helps people remember better' is it going to trigger Hiyori final chapter

Yato survival through the ages called into question foreshadowing

Foreshadowing of Kazuma binding Yukine

'Someone once told me I didn't need one of those things' yh your bitchass dad

'I'm gunna make Hiyori the happiest girl in the world' CAN YOU

Oh the lamp night light for Yukine I'm so sad

Oh Nora you little freak get him

Yato gets a pass for killing that guy because he was bad <3

Yato failing to break up with Nora 

Father get a haircut

'Do you think Hiyori and Yukine can really love you' YES!!!

Image of Father taking the shrine

I liked it more when Hiyori got kidnapped lol

Vol 8

28

He prefers Yukine as a shinki!!!!

How would Father know about Yato's shrine???

Father shaggy hair era

Hiyori knowing something wrong that Yato didn't appear for a while

Yato disappeared months or years leaving shinki behind, I wonder if any of them strayed

Father stop trying to smash your sons girl

Savage Hiyori doesn't like your musty ass

I like Okuninushi

Why does he can Ebisu baldy

Why is there a bunny on his bike

Kuraha questioning his purpose is me

Yato has a conscious of who he's killing if it's justice

Yato putting the kid in the cupboard to save him from seeing the murder

Wonder if its an old wish from the woman or her soul, and is she aware she was left to die up there

Tbf it's good work he does killing these people

Oh he's panicking about Hiyori forgetting him

Oh look at that crazy face girl gone wild

Oh he's so scared

Yomi arc let's go

29

Hhf Daikoku is a rip off version

'I need to get back' + Hiyori vision

I'm begging please stop the Hiyori sex thing

Capyperland trip incoming

Hiyori's starting to forget about them hate!!!

Takemikasuchi is such a snitch then it turns out he's just lame

Yukine became hafuri in 6 months daddy issues makes strong bonds

'Even if I do make it back in one piece it won't mean a damn thing' WHAT WILL HAPPEN FINAL CHAPTER!!!!!

30

Yato feeling sick about sharing shinki

HOME TO THEM

Yukine studying at Bishamons house

CAPYPERLAND

Oh I hate his bangs kill him look at all the bookmarks in his guide

Bitch is really at a theme park with Yato's girl whilst he's fighting for his life

Oh I'm so sad she's thinking of Yato and seeing him in bitch boy

SHE'S FORGETTINGGGG I'm ending it she can feel somethings wrong what will happen final chapter!!!!!!

Fujisaki stop fucking blushing

'I feel like someone is missing even though we were always together'

'MAYBE THAT PERSON NEVER EXISTED' MAYBE I'LL KILL MYSELF

I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM LONGER

The face I made looking at that kiss

31

Fujisaki die challenge

SHE CAN'T SEE HIMMMM Yukine stopped worrying about being forgotten and was forgotten

Oh I hope the scent triggers her memories I'm so sad maybe it'll be open ending

Daikoku bursting in crying about kofuku then embarrassed Hiyori is there

Hiyori's diary entey 'Yato is staring at me and not saying anything'

'Thought I would never forget but I'm not an exception' I hate this manga

I don't believe it's a joke that Yato knows bondage art

Heavens justice net foreshadowing

'Why do you exist yato'

'So I don't wanna disappear' vs latest chapter I'm so sad

'I just wanted to make someone happy'

A god that brings people happiness

Oshi is such a bitch strays aren't illegal you've just got purity culture

Kagome song is creepy look it up

Nora gets more emotional and expressive as the manga goes on, mainly because Father's always leaving her behind

Vol 9

32

Yato sees Hiyori in Izanami as persin he's comfortable with

'You love me too don't you' he combusting

Father pocked marked girl flashback

'I wonder if he ever got to see his loved one' HAAAAA

Lore starta alluding to another name for Yato

Daikoku and Yukine height difference kills me

'A human could never love like that'

I love the fight scenes you can actually tell what's happening

Yeah grab him by the neck wait what

Nora you duplicitous bitch

33

Hiyori pouts being told not to go to ayomu then does the opposite

It's a shame we don't get to see Okuninushi in action in the manga I wanna see the spider freak

'Someone who can make her proud'!!!

Yato helping Ebisu lice

Hiyori thinking of Yato for help when Kuguha grabs her

34

'You're Yato's pride and joy'

Yato tied up ohoho

Yato really trauma bonds with Ebisu and hauls ass out of there

35

Baby ebisu

'Don't you dare die on me' AHA

Ebisu wanting to live after meeting Yato

Oh Kiun yes

Bishamon’s armour is such a look it's a shame we don't see it more

'My blessed one' and people wonder why Kazuma is her bitch

Exploding child out of left field, that was such a confusing scene when I first read it

The chapter opening and ending with 'you will live again'

Ebisu really just blows up... reminds me of the Gamecube edit I made of that lol

Vol 10

36

God Yukine witnesses Ebisu's death, what if he thought that would happen to Yato in the recent chapter

Oh Bishamon’s so pissed let her pop

'Yato's blessed one'

Yukine is so small next to Hiyori and Daikoku

Yato knowing he wouldn't bring Yukine into Yomi because of the dark

'You're a god, who gave you your name?' technically it's Sakura regardless

If/when Yato returns final chapter, I wonder if his true name would be Yato not Yaboku

Hearing Yaboku then imagining Hiyori

Oh the shadow of his father haunting him the parallels

Yes tie him up Izanami

Bishamon has come to collect her twink

Yato's face getting rescued like how have we got this far

Amaterasu first appearance

'The heavens are always right they must never bow to another' are you sure about that

The imagery of Yomi is so pretty, all the line things I forget the name

'Bishamon won't be replaced' girl you had us worried for like 2 years you would be

Yato starts fighting knowing Hiyori and Yukine are waiting

Bishamon starting to be eaten by the women and Kazuma's reaction

'Father heard a voice calling his name' the Tamayobi lore in the notes is interesting to explain how he came back

Soul call oh I'm so sad Adachitoka you make me so sad I'm going to kms

Oh imagine getting to end of 37 for the first time and finding out who father is

38

Hiyori visiting Yato all the time that Yukine is like why are you here again

Yato calling Bsihamon skank even after all that, the misogynist

Oh he's gunna find Ebisu reincarnated

Oh he's so sad

Stealing Kazuma's clothes

Yato telling Ebisu that Bishamon’s real name is skank is dirty

'I fell in love with the world as soon as I saw it' he's too pure for this world

'Was I the kind of god who could make people happy' vs Yato deciding to be that

'You were always willing to give up your own life for others(...) a guy like me could never even compete' vs recent chapter I'm so sad I'm ending it

I WISH I COULD BE LIKE YOU

Kazuma panicking about his missing stuff and the phone

Iwami making Ebisu promise not to die again

Father getting Ebisu taken out because he wants brush good plan all in all

Yato releases Nora and now we have the whole picture of what they went through growing up it makes you hope Nora gets adopted

39

Yato keeping Kazuma's phone saying its his

Yukine stabbing Yato to death is valid

Bishamon starts her personal grudge against Father

Yato watching Hiyori and Hiyori dropping her body to follow, girl you gotta stop

Did Yato watch her then go to Yukine to ask how to be a god who makes people happy I hate it here

Yato past revealed

Yato saying he didn't want stop killing but basically it's OK because he always knew they were bad people

[strideofpride]

I'm sorry you're sick love!!! consider this ask a free request for the rant of your choosing, hit me with it

Okay, I’ve found what I want to rant about: the Grey’s Anatomy timeline and how bonkers insane it is.

Seasons 1-3 makes up the entirety of MAGIC’s intern year. Let me repeat that: seasons 1-3 all take place in only a single year???

Like?? Okay, so with season 1, in real life, interns all over the country start on July 1. So I can kinda buy that season 1 is about six weeks-two months, especially since it’s only 9 episodes. And then season 2 begins as summer is ending. (The one hiccup is that there are multiple scenes in s1 where characters are wearing heavy coats but I can pretend that Seattle had an unusually cold summer that year). And this is all supported by season 2 having Thanksgiving and Christmas episodes.

But here’s the thing though…season 2 ends with a prom. And the absolute absolute earliest I can buy a prom taking place is April. And season 3 ends before the next intern class has started meaning it’s still June. So season 3 only takes place over like 2 months??? Which is insane and also doesn’t work cause what about Mark & Addison’s three month bet? Bad writers, bad!

And then, and then, seasons 4 & 5 are also part of the same year as well, which I can almost buy, except for the fact that they make multiple mentions of it being fall in season 5 which…doesn’t make any fucking sense!!!! Fall would’ve been in season 4!!! I cannot buy that season 4 was just one summer, that’s where I draw the line. (Also isn’t there a Halloween episode in season 4? Once again, bad writers, bad!)

So far, season 6 & 7 seem to be separate years at least and on track with the actual year it was airing in and thank god, I hope they stick to it. But god, what a mess. And don’t even get me started on everyone’s ages!

[oliviasecrets]

This is life

III

“Shit I never thought about how dark a models life could be” Jack said while trying to get a bit closer to you

“Oh trust me it can feel like hell but I gotta keep smiling right… you weren’t lying about this bagels they are amazing”

“What can I say I have excellent taste” Jack smiled trying to reach for your hand just to feel like he had your attention

“I have to say y/n I know that you have things you gotta do first but I’m into you, not in a creepy way man I’ve been trying to shoot my shot since I saw you at a billboard in LA last summer”

what last summer?! “You mean the campaign I did 7 months ago?” you asked with Jack in a flirty way making him blush like crazy

“Like I said I have excellent taste even in women, but my ma raised me right so I’ll respect your time and your decision”

“My decision in what jackman” god you like to drive him crazy

“Cmon y/n I saw the way you looked at me, I know you want me too stop being stubborn”

You took his hand as he started to draw circles with him thumb on your hand, making you blush at this small gesture. You were about to say something when he took your hand and kissed it. “I’ll wait for you I promise”

“Do you promise Jack?”

“For you I can wait a lifetime” you hit his shoulder at his in a flirty way making Jack wrap his arms around your waist and his head landing on your neck making you giggle

————————————————-

“Liv would you please come down noting actually happens it’s just a picture”

“Yeah a picture with the guy you’ve been horny about for like 5 years”

“So what can’t I just get a little fun, you have no idea how I feel about this maybe we can actually go out like a normal couple, have you thought about my actual happiness”

You started to tear up, “all I’m asking is that people don’t actually give a fuck on who I’m dating or who I sleep with”

Live say next to you now hugging it out while you continue crying

“I promise you all I care about if your happiness I never said you can’t date him all I said is not right now when you have tons of doors open for you”

She kissed you hair as you started to calm down, “he said that he would wait for me, I never assumed he would be so understanding”

“Oh trust me I want you with him today in the morning I visit him and had a very serious talk”

“Where you tried to kill him right?”

“Oh please, I was just mad if he things I was trying to murder him I bet he won’t be able to handle you when your hanger”

“Never mess with a hangery Mexican right… but I do really like him Liv I just really hope he’s real about this too”

—————————————

Just some blocks away Jack was having a very similar and interesting conversation with urban his best friend

“I’m telling you she is the one”

“Bro you just meet her, like I know you’ve jerked up to her pictures trust me I caught you once”

“Urb shut the fuck up, I can already feel this wired shit you feel when you’re in love”

“Ohhh jacky you’re feeling love butterflies huh you’re so down bad for her”

Jack threw himself in bed just thinking about your little love moment you had, just thinking about what he really wanted to do to you but he was a real gentleman that’s what no one really knew about him deep down he could actually imagine you together but he was going to stick with the plan. He made you about waiting for the right moment for you guys to work things out and eventually fall in love and start a family and all that shit that’s going to happen one day. all he hoped was that you were feeling the same.

———————————————————

Hiii!!! Finally a bit of love in the air right, I loved to include urban in this im so excited either this is going guys thank you for your support

[muldxr]

2022 writing review 🤍

another year has come and gone! i was tagged by @neondiamond @beardyboyzx @wabadabadaba @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 18

2. Word count posted for the year: ~56k

3. Fandoms I wrote for: One Direction

4. Pairings: Harry/Louis, with a dash of Zayn/Liam in my new fic

5. Story with the most: Kudos: greased lightnin’ [155] Bookmarks: Hill Country [54] Comment threads: Hill Country [17]

the rest is under the cut!

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why): Hill Country was a creative experience from start to end. I mentioned this one a lot this year, but there's nothing major I would change about it. I will always, genuinely, enjoy re-reading it and I thank everyone who gives it a chance

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why): it was a really hard year so i don't want to be negative about any of my works <3 they all have their strengths

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received: I appreciate @lululawrence for kindly reccing dark blue on her June podcast episode here! I was in awe because it is a fic that i didn't think anyone would enjoy - and she COMPARED IT to other iconic crackfics, and it's just a big honor to have this underrated gem on that list.

9. A time when writing was really, really hard: lately my writing motivation has dwindled as the daylight disappeared, and i didn't have a very fun time writing in aug-oct but i'm prepared to do better in 2023

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: does Figs count? i loved the creativity that came with this style of poem and the 'scene' it sets up. i have been testing my limits with writing shorter but more impactful works this year

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing: this is from after hours and i can't resist a scene where all hope is lost

“Harry, please, leave it.”

“I’ve been trying to hold onto something, to find something good out of the bad. Why don’t you?”

“Because.”

“Because why?”

“You said I’ve been too quiet. You said I wasn’t helping you figure it out, but I was. And I can’t be positive about it like you are, because the answer’s fucking obvious.” He makes a sweeping gesture at himself, an absolutely broken flick of the hand. He doesn’t bother to look at Harry. “It’s my fault.”

Then Harry can’t get a word in while Louis passes him, walking into the house. He doesn’t follow, not right away. Sooner or later he’ll have to go up, work through the stubbornly silent treatment to console Louis, and come up with an easier way to separate their guilt from what they have to do. 

That, and because, when the sound of footsteps returns, Harry realizes he has the keys.  

13. How do you hope to grow next year: 1) I want to continue betaing/cheerleading, so hit me up! 2) I hope i can write another 15k+ fic! that would be great because I enjoy the chance to sit with a plot/cast of characters for longer than a few months

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer, beta, cheerleader, etc): people who tagged me in snippet games!! i don't post those very often because it's hard for me to write more than a few sentences at a time and I have a lot of scattered dialogue and incomplete scenes, but i enjoy interacting with everyone

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:  this is a deep-dish-pizza-loving household, thus after hours gave it the attention it deserves. hill country also held a lot of texan essence~ and i'm glad i poured it in there. I-80 was inspired by a roadtrip. see-see was based on 15+ years of movie-going experiences (if i figure out how, i might write a longform deaf au, emphasis on might). i think that's it? i try to be creative and pull inspiration from things, but if it turns too personal it's difficult to not want it to be 100% perfect

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: not to say this applies to everyone - but I have learned in the last 1.5 years of writing fic, it's important to take things in moderation when planning wips and committing to fests. i learned this the hard way, and it made me reevaluate my connection to writing and taking care of myself

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: it's a slow year! I am working on fics for @harryrarepairfest and @omegaharryfest due in March before I take a personal break. Then two more projects finished by November? I'm also open to writing for other fandoms 🫣

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read. @allwaswell16 @uhoh-but-yeah-alright @onlythebravest @tommokat @beelou @phd-mama @littleroverlouis @starsweredible @thedevilinmybrain and who else wants to share!

[winderlylandchime]

And as for today? He woke up and was dead fucking silent. I need you to know that for months now, ive been waking up to him, wide awake at like 7 am, already up listening to music and getting ready for the day in whatever way he can. And today, he woke up at 10 am and didn’t speak a single word at all for like 3 hours. And then while i was eating, he was drinking his coffee and then out of nowhere he went ‘what the actual fuck was that finale?’ And after all i did was replied ‘now you know the bullshit ive been mad at for years’ he went ‘how did people survive this bullshit when it aired?’

Then afterwards he sent a voice memo to our mom and went ‘mom, you have no fucking clue how bad it is. Its really bad. This shit is my 9/11. I need to talk to you’ he also sent a similar voice memo to our dad.

Then he called his best friend and went ‘remember iron man? Yeah, i wanna fucking jump off a building right now. This is..Dude, i feel like I got dumped.’

Then he called our uncle cause he sent my brother a text about the finale. And they talked for quite a bit and he realized that our family knew about the finale and he went ‘AND NONE OF YOU FUCKS THOUGHT TO WARN ME? I know i hate spoilers but im not that bad! (This is where my uncle reminded him that my brother stopped talking to his husband bc he accidentally spoiled who won on drag race once) okay, but that was..okay maybe youre onto something here but still! This shit hurt! I was happy for no wedding and then BOOM! No justin.’

The things he said to me about the finale were a lot and all over the place but these are some of my favorite parts that stood out and i could remember: this was said while he was pacing up and down ‘everyone got their happy ending except Justin and Brian. What the fuck man? This is bullshit! I will start a protest over this’

‘So basically what i got from this fucking show is that: everyone except Brian, Justin and Emmett sucks.’

‘I want to know how many people they pissed off with this finale. Because this is bullshit! I mean not the wedding part, god imagine if they got married….yikes. But seriously why? Did people get angry at the season 4 finale so they decided to do this abomination?’

this next one was said while he was on the phone talking to a nurse who was telling him about tomorrows check up. Btw he was trying to whisper which to me made it funnier cause it sounded like he’s never whispered in his life ‘i just don’t understand cause why would they do th- yeah i’m still here. Okay, okay, yeah, mhm..okay- that like they were finally happy. Together. After all the bullshit! The bashing, the cheating, LA, CANCER, whatever the fuck season 5 was and now gone, ripped apart by one fucking review and a bitch with a bad haircut- yeah, so I give blood first and then? Okay cool- how fucking dare sh- no no im not talking to you, im talking to my sister.. about this sh- actually nevermind, I can’t do this now’

And the last one that i can remember that he said to before he once again went on a silent retreat for the rest of the day was: ‘fuck you. I hate you so much for showing me this show. I was better off not knowing because in my world, they were still together under one roof and not doing this long distance..(i remember that i wanted to say something here idk what) THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER AND NO ONE IS TAKING THAT AWAY FROM ME! This last season was just a suggestion..shit ended with the bike race’

After that, he went back to his room. Then outside to smoke. Then had his 5th coffee. And then he sat on a couch for like 20 minutes just petting Brian. And that was it. He was dead silent for the whole day. Our mom couldnt call him today because of work so he was in an even worse mood. And then he passed out with the cat. So basically the finale completely destroyed him and left him speechless. We barely even talked today because he literally looked like he went through hell and back over and over again. Im honestly wondering how tomorrow will go. Especially since our parents did text me to ask how bad on a scale of 1-iron man is it. And when i replied that i think it might be worse, our dad texted me ‘fuck…that’s uncharted territory. We’re all fucked.’

How did people survive this bullshit? I think this is the time to bring up the existence of fan fiction and gifsets and fanart. That’s how we survive. We create art. Because in the end the writers DID make us care and did make us feel big strong feelings and it inspired us to go create more feelings… and isn’t that the point in the end?

AND NONE OF YOU FUCKS THOUGHT TO WARN ME? You were ALL so careful to avoid spoilers. For science. He would have been really angry if he had been spoiled.

I will start a protest over this. I really did think he would start a petition for a reunion episode. I also thought he would make it happen. He seems like he has great relationships with his friends and you and your family, so I just thought enough people would care and he would be passionate enough and he would be able to accomplish what 20 years of fandom hasn’t been able to.

Shit ended with the bike race. THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT I’M ALWAYS SAYING. END THE SHOW WHEN BRIAN ASKS JUSTIN TO MOVE IN. YOU CAN EVEN LEAVE AMBIGUOUS WHETHER JUSTIN GOES TO LA, it’s unambiguous that they’re partners.

“how bad on a scale of 1-iron man” “fuck…that’s uncharted territory. We’re all fucked.” I love your parents. They are going to kill all of us when they find out we’ve been egging you on. Please tell them that a bunch of internet strangers want to be adopted into your family.

Thank you for this journey Dear Sweet Anon. It has been such a rollercoaster AND also the most hilarious thing to happen. I did not have A Straight Man Watches on my 2023 bingo card. We are a teeny tiny fandom but this has brought the few of us here together in such a fun way.

If you want to send any other updates, my asks are always open. I know everyone will want to hear if your brother ventures into the fandom at all. Or what his reaction is when he finds out how many people knew - beyond the entirety of your wonderful family. I hope his recovery continues to go well (and he sustains no more queer as folk related injuries!). You seem to be an incredible sibling to him even though you broke his damn heart.