#whenever shit like this happens with any celeb (but especially the ones you know are online and see stuff)

[regardingjenmish]

Y’all lucky I’m not famous bc id be calling your mom a hoe if you were wildin’ in my dms on a random Saturday

[boyfhee]

10 QUESTIONS FOR U - enhablrinas edition get it bc tumblrina + enhablr

favorite color of themes?

moot with best theme?

you can send a love letter to anyone. fictional/idols/celebs. who?

which moot is most active? which moot do you barely ever run into but LOVE?

most rizzful mutual? do you flirt with ur moots?

favorite petnames/nicknames? giving or recieving?

have you ever had an online crush? (or on a moot GASP)

ever been involved in drama?

do u keep up with tumblr drama?

be honest. how many times have u swapped biases? no judgement here :D

were u here for the insaneness that was lockdown enhablr?

MIA moot u want to comeback?

ur fave fic or smau that gagged u when u read it? seungstarss BET was the end of the fucking world for me I WAS DISTRAUGHT oddeonu too grrrr the ptsd fuckkkk too there was someone m1ngh8o or smtg idk w this jungwon smau and it KILLLED MEEE he was yns roommate and always so fucking rude and his gf was legit cheating on him but he didn't leave her. gf made moves on his bff jake too who liked reader. slowburns where the main lead is an ass rlly annoy me but i also will them the shit up bc i luv angst and toxicity :DDD

are you close w ur moots? do u have any on socials?

what is ur biggest ick to see on tumblr?

words u find urself repeating too much? words u love using?

any enhablr inside jokes ur part of?

ever been featured in a moots fic?

have u ever dreamt of enhypen?

ur favorite enha pc u want rlly badly?

DRINK WATER + YOU ARE LOVED <3 loveeeeeee ur rich boyhoon

tumblrina + enhablr so real that's so cute >< also i love these games, tysm for sending me one yayaya :D hope u have a good day, stay hydrated ^^ and ty for reading my works ><

𝟎𝟏. i love my recent theme colour a lot ! pink and green never goes wrong, but also blue, white— or any pastel shade, actually, works. i've been liking yellow too after my rina theme :O

𝟎𝟐. @okwonyo, @okwons, @tyunni, @atrirose, @isoobie, @yenqa @fleurre— they have the best themes on this app. some new additions would be @dioll and @hoonored since i love their current themes.

𝟎𝟑. JAY !!!!! it doesn't even have to be a love letter bruh i just want to tell him that his smile is the prettiest thing in the entire world ◞⌓◟ and karina from aespa i'm in love with her actually

𝟎𝟒. most active . . . i see @junislqve and @okwonyo a lot on my dash, especially jiah ! i've been seeing @weoris a lot too recently but we never talk TT on the other hand, it's a historical event to catch @isoobie, @okwons and @fleurre on the dash, but we talk a lot ! and i love them, of course ><

𝟎𝟓. freak club rizz ( me, ri, vi, and ji ) is so powerful that whenever someone says i love you, moonstruck plays ( happened three times yesterday ) and yes i flirt a lot with my moots :D

𝟎𝟔. mangocat by jiah stays on top ! bc i love mangoes and i love cats too :3 vi and ri once called me 'meri jaan' so that's a close second, and ri usually calls me 'mi amor' >< i love her sm

𝟎𝟕. i have had an online crush but it was so silly >< i don't even like talking about it, it wasn't even that serious either

𝟎𝟖. i was on animeblr before so i've been involved in a drama once there ! on enhablr, i wouldn't i was involved directly but i did have some part, although not publicly. it's safe to say i've learnt from it and am on good terms with my friends

𝟎𝟗. i do keep up with drama i'm nosey :/ most of the time, i ignore if it doesn't involved a person i / my moots know. although, keeping up is not the most appropriate term because sometimes i'd be going thru a blog and come across a controversial or expose post TT

𝟏𝟎. twice ! i got into enha because of sunghoon so he was my bias for a few weeks, since he was the only member i knew and he's mad fine. but then i became heeseung biased when i got to know the group more. now, i'm a jay girlie through and through :D

𝟏𝟏. oh lord YES enhablr during lockdown was something. . .it was so fun, apart from a discourses that happened every single day TT i made a lot of friends during that time, really close ones. we were all just going crazy together TT

𝟏𝟐. @maiverie & @seungstarss my wives mai and sei please come back i miss u :( we were really close but i lost contact with both of them. i have their socials but they're in active, it makes me super had :< they made locklown bearable i love them sm

𝟏𝟑. BRO anything by @hoonvrs gags me because i love saint's smaus ( i'm planning to read cigarettes trust ) like it's literally just pure comedy and crack but i love it and i love having a good laugh ^_^ another would be @jaeminvore's smaus ESPECIALLY demon roomie .. still not over it. nics has crazy smaus like i've read all her enha smaus and all of them belong to the hall of fame. ALSO, we can't forget @jayflrt >< her smaus give me life idk i've read sugar daddy like ten times alr and reread stoner hee one a few days ago. and yfi786 is definitely the gag of the year i feel it. what r u even doing on enhablr if u haven't read alice's smaus :/

AND i agree, sei's smaus were so so good ! i've read her jungwon one and it left me shook it was so good. i started bet but halfway through and the characters were pissing me off so i gave up TT definitely lives up to the type i can assure !!!! oddeonu uhh i'm sure i've read a few but unforch, i don't remember the names

𝟏𝟒. i'm close to lot of my moots ^_^ i have them on insta, disc and twitter. i have rose's number even though i don't text her there ... i need to and i WILL. @atrirose watch out

𝟏𝟓. i don't have anything specific but not using the read more option is one of them. another would be people who are constantly involved in dramas ... ? like it has nothing to do with them but they involve themselves :/ although, these are not very serious and i've just learnt to ignore. ignorance is bliss godbless 🙏

𝟏𝟔. i repeat a lot of words, especially as / while TT i love using 'intoxicating' and 'vinous,' a lot but those are also my most repeated words, especially the former .. i need to work on this

𝟏𝟕. no, i don't think so TT and if i am then i don't remember lol

𝟏𝟖. OH YES many many times. especially in @ctrlemis and @svnclaired smaus when kira was in his jungwonize era. was a member of a gg twice 😼

𝟏𝟗. oh brother i've had so many enhypen dreams .. none good. jay pushed me off the couch in one, heeseung sacrificing me to demons, aenha supernova concert dream, sunghoon leaving me in a dark alley, enha exorcist version, jay dupe cousin dream ... the freakiest yet

𝟐𝟎. PCS FROM R:U PLEASEEEE I need wonki ones especially ... riki glasses pleaseee idk how i will get my hands on that one but i Will. sunjay pcs from darkblood .. i think the jay one will cure whatever's wrong with me.

[cinefairy]

can i just remind yall that..law of assumption pages are not your subconscious minds and we have our OWN lives, our own minds that we have spent time on, affirmed, did our research etc. we actually took the time to do things OURSELVES, stop babying yourself and start getting your mind together, your life together, we have taught you everything there is to know and yall are so mean especially towards @divineangelbee she helped hundrends of people including me and she said to yall DONT MANIFEST ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS OR RELATIONSHIPS WITH A MASSIVE AGE GAP. yall are like 16 wanting to date a 45yr old..why? why not manifest a closer celeb age or a sp that has the same specifcations as your celeb. see how easier it is? you guys are sabotaging yourself, like…do realise, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. YOUR LIFE. not mine, not angels and not the other loa pages you run off too cus you’re too impatient and want the answer quickly. nope this is YOUR LIFE. what happens to you doesnt effect me, whether you dont get what you want it doesn’t effect me cus at the end of the day. it all comes down to you, it really does. my number one tip is to stop overconsuming information it messes you up fr.

yall are so sneaky too like you guys really think we’re dumb or something the amount of times ive had someone give me or any of my loa mutuals the same sob story and send it to us in asks, like ??? why cant you guys just PICK ONE. stick with ONE. and apply the information you were just taught?? its a waste of time for you and for us.

you guys really need to take charge of your own life and what you do with it, because..us law of assumption pages are not always ready 24/7 to give you the answer, we as any human have doubts, insecurities, so you guys to penalise us whenever you disagree with our opinion..is just. no words.

angel only said to not manifest abusive relationships and yall had to twist it to your narrative, change it up and then go onto some random person’s loa page and talk shit about her 😭 ??? yall think thats acceptable…

may i remind you of this:

IF YOU DIDN’T SPEND ALL YOUR TIME: OVER-CONSUMING INFORMATION, RUNNING OFF TO MULTIPLE LOA PAGES FOR THE PERFECT “AFFIRMATION”, PROCASINATING. you would’ve got what you wanted by now. let that settle for a moment.

[bisluthq]

honestly nobody let TTB find out about my parents 💀. she'd definitely exploit their story to try to prove that kaylor is real which I would find really disrespectful. but basically I found out at age 18 that my mom is a lesbian and that my dad is gay and that they're essentially beards. except not really though because their marriage is real and they're actual friends and chose to be parents together. I'm their biological kid. they're just like... platonic spouses, I guess. they don't see anybody else on the side either.

I remember noticing growing up that they'd never kiss, not even on the cheek, barely ever hug each other, hell they don't even sit directly next to each other on the couch. they leave like a noticeable gap, they don't cuddle up to each other or anything.

for the first year or so that they were living in their own house, they even used to sleep in separate beds in separate rooms, but then my mom said other family members found out and kept asking if they were having issues, so they sleep in the same bed now

my mom has never dated a woman in her life which I find really sad. and she always insists she doesn't even have any female celeb crushes or anything, even though I can tell she does. she likes that female personal trainer from that one reality show lol, idk if anyone knows who I'm talking about but she's like middle aged and I think she's married to a woman, but my mom pretends she hates her and will make a big deal talking about how "strange" she finds her.

my dad had a secret boyfriend for years in high school, but he ended up breaking up with him, and he and my mom got married in their early 20s. I just find it sad tbh because you can tell they're not really happy with their lives, especially since I moved out recently

like both of them definitely have bad internalized homophobia, especially my dad. my mom literally changes the channel whenever ellen or any other open lesbian is on TV, even if it's just a fictional character, because it makes her feel uncomfortable (her words). the only exception is that female personal trainer lmao, but she'll account for it by constantly talking about how "unusual" it is that she's married to a woman.

pride parades make her uncomfortable too. she gets really confused about why some people are so open about being gay which I understand because it must seem so strange for her since she was essentially pressured into marrying a man and keeping quiet about her actual identity

my dad has a toxic masculinity problem and refuses to do certain things because "it's gay" (said with disdain). except he literally is gay so... where's the logic. idk. he's always going on about how "it's only okay to be gay if you fight it and don't give in, it's like a battle that only strong men can win" and he prides himself on not "acting on it". they were both raised in conservative families and were taught that being gay is wrong and that it's not okay to act on it :/

anyway there's something ironic about two gay people getting hetero married and having a kid together, and their kid ending up gay too lol... and even more ironically, I haven't told them bc I'm not sure if they'll be accepting or not. they might tell me to do what they did and marry a dude, but I'd hope they wouldn't

side note, I wonder if this is how javanka are lmao

I mean yeah this shit happens that’s always my point it’s just not how TTB and co frame shit. Like yes people have weird complex dynamics and issues.

Javanka are almost definitely some kind of weird platonic marriage right.

Joshlie are not lol they can’t keep their hands off each other. Swiftwyn are not lol she would fall from grace just to help him get off lol.

But yes these things happen.

Your parents clearly love one another in their own way and obviously adore you and I’m hopeful they’ll support you coming out even if not immediately 😘

[briek58454521]

Let’s rant about bigotry in media and fake allies.

.Look. I get it. You want to believe that your cartoons, media and celebs are completely perfect darlings that can do no wrong, but let me be frank. I don’t care how much you don’t want to talk about it. I care about the creators who keep inviting the discourse their way through their idiocy. Whenever a creator gets in trouble for doing shit like making jokes about slave hats on a live stream, or including a blackface caricature in an art book, or killing off their gays the very episode they come out or are introduced, there’s always a subset of people who say shit like, “it was a mistake, they didn’t mean it. It kinda gives us as a leftist community a bad name when we keep attacking each other like this”.

Let’s dismantle that. And let’s break this down in three basic points I’ll use throughout. 1. It is not your place to accept an apology that was not for you, especially when in regards to racism, sexism, anti-LGBTA+ bigotry, and anti-semitism. 2. We need to stop lumping in actual criticism with alt-right idiots being shitty about marginalized groups existing, because ultimately, infighting is not the end of the world, and disagreements are not inherently bad. They are a fact of life. 3.  Most importantly of all, just because these people claim to be allies, that does not mean that they are. Because make no mistake. CARTOONS ARE NOT ANY LESS EFFECTED BY THE BIASES OF THE ENVIRONMENTS WHICH PRODUCED THEM THAN ANY OTHER WORK OF ART.

Now. Let’s break down that shit completely.

1. I used those examples as a jumping-off point, but in general, this shit always happens. A creator fucks up, they get criticism which was unquestionably earned, they get rightfully dragged, and the creator uses the backlash to garner sympathy from their audiences and paint their critics in a bad light and whine about Cancel Culture. NOW, I already talked about that in another post, but basically, it doesn’t exist, and is used as a weaponized shield from criticism. 

Thing about all of that as well is when the creators keep bringing up how they didn’t mean it like that. Most people would answer this with, “doesn’t matter, what matters is what you did”, but there’s something else that people don’t talk about. This is usually a bunch of white people excusing this shit. Or otherwise, a bunch of people who weren’t actually affected by the latest controversy. And therein lies the rub. Allies, let me put it this way. WHEN THE SUBJECT OF THE CRITICISM IS ABOUT THE PORTRAYAL OF MINORITIES IN MEDIA, YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO EXPECT SAID MINORITIES TO FORGIVE THOSE CREATORS WHEN YOU WERE NOT AFFECTED BY IT.

Remember the Lana Del Rey controversy, where her dumbass ended up getting shit for her statement filled with venom towards other artists? Could have been cleared up if she had just accepted that she messed up and didn’t word her statement correctly, but no. She lashed out at the people who told her it was kinda racist to lump a bunch of black female artists into a conglomerate of artists who just, “twerk, cheat, have sex, and get money”, and dismissing feminism as needing to accommodate women “like her, who were more delicate”, perpetuating inadvertently to the idea that black women are less delicate, white women are petite, demure, and need to have a place above the others. AND LOOK, it’s how she responded that sealed it. Accusing her critics of being the actual racists, who hate women, and conflating the criticism with.....ugh....a FUCKING RACE WAR. Do I EVEN need to explain the problem with that?

The point is that it was idiotic of her to assume that she didn’t deserve the criticism because she “technically didn’t mean it”, when ultimately, she wasn’t the victim, she wasn’t the one who ACTUALLY got hurt by all of this, and that most of the criticism WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR as vitriolic as Lana accused it of being. And people do this to minorities all the fucking time. Where the praise for the work is what matters, but then they’re just upset and looking to be upset about things when they....sorry, when WE have shit to say about the fuckups. Constantly, minorities are expected to praise bare minimum bullshit lest we have self proclaimed “””””allies””””” get pissy that we aren’t playing along. Well, sorry, but, I think it be time to stop with that shit. It doesn’t matter how pure you think that person is. If the people who are the actual part of the controversy have shit to say about it, MAYBE LISTEN TO THEM instead of trying to force people to accept the apology that wasn’t even yours to accept, nor was it for you to shove in our faces to shut us up. And if you dislike that I’m saying that, just know. That’s exactly what you’re doing when you pull that shit.

2. As simply as I can put it, complaining about how a trans person is portrayed badly is not the same as complaining ABOUT the presence of a trans person, and to lump that shit onto the other pile is dishonest and willfully ignorant. When we keep getting upset about the tone, or upset about, “WAAAH, they said a me-no-like”, and lump that in with the actual facists looking to erase us from the history books, we are doing half of their job for them, and normalizing shit like what I saw the other day, where on Twitter, some asshole complained, “Anime is supposed to be an escape from reality. Adding black people to it kinda ruins the point.”

I’m gonna talk about it in the next point, but for now, understand this. NO ONE says shit like that just out of the blue without having it come from somewhere, and that attitude is all too prevalent.

In cartoons especially, criticism of the NB lizard from She-Ra is not being bigoted towards non-binary people, because the use of a fucking lizard to portray them is the ACTUALLY bigoted thing. And to lump in criticism of that with the criticism of She-Ra not being conventionally attractive enough for men to masturbate to the fucking minor is only going to long-term HARM any discourse. Because having these conversations as well as discussing these issues and educating each other about them is how we AVOID THEM. Criticism is not just a vector for asshole conservatives to be pissy about your existence. It’s also a veritable TREASURE TROVE for how not to fuck your shit up. And when we all get it, we learn. I get it, you don’t want to do shit wrong, but when you do, as everyone will, the backlash will burn itself out, and once you’ve fixed it, people will be very forgiving. Because, and it’s gonna sound mean....THAT’S HOW AUDIENCES WORK. THEY WANT TO FORGIVE YOU FOR WHEN YOU DO SHIT WRONG. So just...fix it. And listen. Yeah, you’ll get called stupid, you’ll get called “moron”, but you will have saved yourself from getting that shit ten times worse later on down the line. BEAR IN MIND, THOUGH, any of you already typing about how that’s enabling cyberbullying under the guise of critique, IT’S NOT. There’s a wealth of difference between the two, and trying to distract from the point with that is just a red herring. So stop with that.

And now....for the biggest one of all.

3. See...here’s the thing. About that anime douche. That doesn’t happen in JUST anime. It’s been around for decades, and has been a thing to this day. The WoW community got upset about womz being in power for the past 15 years, and have gotten on their high horse about black people being in the game, stating that if they were around sooner, maybe it wouldn’t, “SEEM TOO POLITICAL”, with that Asmongold jackass trying to start a second wave of GamerGate because one of the people at Blizzard said, “Black Lives Matter”. Fantasy as a genre has been so rooted in racism, that the inclusion of goblins for the most part is synonymous with anti-semitism towards Jewish people. Captain Marvel was pilloried for the past two years because the mean lady said that shit needs to change and wasn’t too nice, and also, me don’t like her too much. Basically, tone policing over a personality that we still give Howard Stern a platform for. In cartoons, the inclusion of black people is seen as an inherently political opinion. The rumors of Gen 6 Apple Jack possibly having a black voice actress prompted comments such as:

“The thiing with AJ is clearly anti-white/conservatist as a response to Trump America. What is opposite of country redneck female? Of course, and urban black woman.”

“It’s the fact that she’s black that bothers me.”

“Killing a blonde freckled Southern character for some political agenda is the last thing I want to see.”

The news of Velma Dinkley being gay was immediately pounced upon with shit about a homosexual agenda, and constant bullshit about how it was so forced, or whatever. This shit always happens, and is gonna keep happening. You know why?

Because the entertainment industry is not ready to accept minorities. The games industry is not ready to accept minorities. Cartoons are still not ready to accept minorities. They accept them for a moment, until those minorities challenge someone’s ego. Fans embrace a character until they’re a woman, or a POC, or on the spectrum, or LGBTA+. The existence of us is denigrating to these idiots’ escape, not from reality, but from us. It’s bad enough that they have to put up with us in the real world, but even worse that they have to see us in fictional shows that aren’t real.’ Us merely BEING AROUND is a bad thing, and to ask for some improvements is met with bemoaning about agendas.

Supposed allies begin and end their support with how much money we put in their wallets and how much we stroke their egos about how woke they are, and actual allies are lumped in with actual offenders. If we get upset that a show they’ve posited as so enlightening is actually the utter pits and not in any way healthy, they get upset. Tell a Reylo they’re shipping something toxic and dangerous, they’ll get upset and yell racial slurs at John Boyega for sitting next to Daisy Ridley. Say, “Fuck Arthas”, people get upset jump down your throat about how you hate forgiveness. Tell people that the Grinch ought not to be forgiven, people get upset you’re strawmaned about how you hate forgiveness.

They just don’t understand, or care about the essential fact about all of this. As I said earlier. The environments which produce the worst of offenders in these fields, and the problems we hate seeing so much are in no way less affected by the biases that they were cultivated by. And media has never been any more ready to accept minorities as people and as worthy of being portrayed as people than literally anywhere else right now. And speaking up about that is what gets these fake allies mad, especially when they LIKE the media. What makes these people so mad is not the troubling portrayal of POC, or women, or minorities. Not that we are routinely ostracized for existing in cartoons, not that this shit happens at all. They don’t give a flying fuck about any of that. It’s the thing that they have to put up with as a result of that that makes them the most upset.

Criticism. And they don’t like that.

And no matter whether or not these cartoons are made by bootlickers, or this movie was made by a TERF,  or if this creator has a history of blackface, racism, or has made garbage statements about women, if you aren’t nice and considerate enough towards their feelings, you’ll make them, and us, the allies, feel uncomfortable. NO DWAMA, just not too divisive feedback that’s ultimately worthless as it was made purely to try to appease idiots and the people most affected by these issues at the same time, meaning it had to be watered down past the point of no return in order for us to factor it in with our jaded mindsets and worldviews that are the direct cause of the problems we complain about, yet keep exacerbating through our ignorance and unwillingness to change.

If you aren’t like that, and don’t believe you should be lumped in with that, don’t behave as if you are that sort of person. But, even then, if you aren’t...listen to the actual experts. Stop listening to some white guy’s idiotic hot takes about black rep, and actually listen to black people. Listen to trans people instead of some cis white chick with no understanding of trans issues. Stop platforming the worst of offenders within these communities as the bestest ever. And most importantly....

remember that horses don’t exist.

[derangedroyalfae]

Sunday, April 18, 2021 - 10:00pm

{mostly taken from a conversation with my best friend, Jem - there were some bits that I thought were worded well}

Royal (2:26 PM): Sometimes I think about taking antidepressants again if only to numb the pain. And then I remember how it made me too numb and to everything, so then I think about drinking or doing edibles, but then it still sounds awful and could possibly amplify those feelings (as alcohol usually does make me feel more upset). And that’s sometimes why self-harm becomes a substitute, because it ether distracts from those feelings or even makes you feel like your receiving punishment for whatever you’re upset about. But I know self-harm turns into a loop of guilt and shame and worrying about worrying others.

Jem (2:27 PM): I haven't heard the same about edibles that I hear about alcohol

Or marijuana in general I suppose

Royal (2:28 PM): Weed scares me. Like I’m worried I’ll have a reaction because whenever people smoke or cook it around me, I get super sick feeling. I also know Kitty had a bad reaction to edibles, like gave her ultra anxiety and hallucinations or something like that.

Jem (2:29 PM): Ah, gotcha I myself am allergic so I can't say I've tried it myself either

Royal (2:29 PM): I think I might be allergic and I don’t wanna find out the hard way

When people smoke/cook it around me, I get nauseous and a headache

Jem (2:32 PM): Yeah, I used to have two roommates that both smoked weed in our tiny apartment I used to have near constant headache until I moved out the next year

Royal (2:33 PM): I wish I could just remove those negative feelings I have: anger, sadness, jealousy, dysphoria, etc Put them somewhere far away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, and wouldn’t have to hurt others because of them

(I tend to use dysphoria for myself as an in general term, not just with gender dysphoria, btw)

Jem (2:34 PM): Aah, yeah, I get you

Royal (2:38 PM): But even though I’m scared I’ll have a bad reaction, I’m mighty tempted to ask Hummingbird if I can try one of her edible gummies rn...

Jem (2:41 PM): I wonder if there's a way to try it in a safe/monitored way

Royal (2:41 PM): Well, if I do just one gummy

With their supervision

So if I have a bad reaction, they can watch over me or drive me to the urgent care

I love how it’s called urgent care but usually has like an hour or longer wait

Jem (2:43 PM): Ah yeah, that'd be the best way to do it Keep the phone handy too

Royal (2:45 PM): Hey, at the very least, doesn’t look like it has any interactions with my cholesterol medication

Jem (2:46 PM): That's good to know

Royal (2:50 PM): I don’t think I’ll actually follow through with it or anything, just my mind thinking of solutions

I’m feeling calmer now anyway

For now

{And then proceeded to draw this (it’s an idea I’ve had this idea for a long time now, especially since the first time I experienced extreme jealousy with Capy, but never had the courage to follow through since I’ve never done inking and rarely traditional colour, but I finally worked up the motivation to try, and honestly, it’s perfect timing as it was therapeutic to draw)}:

Royal (8:09 PM): Random question, I’m curious your thoughts on this: do you think it’s insensitive to joke about getting with other people when you’re in a relationship, especially/at least in front of your partner (at least if the two of you haven’t established a non-monogamous relationship), and even more so if you know your partner is dealing with jealousy issues?

Jem (8:12 PM): I’d think so, yeah

It's definitely odd

Unless it's like, I donno, a celebrity or something

But even then, it'd make me wonder why someone would say that if they knew already their partner was having issues

Royal (8:12 PM): Like someone they know/knew or met in the past, but 100% out of the picture now

So it’s def not a celeb

Jem (8:14 PM): Yeah then even without the jealousy issues, unless that's some sort of pre-established shared humor, it's kinda weird

Royal (8:15 PM): K, I was curious what you’d think

I agree with that too, it just feels really insensitive, at least if you’re monogamous

{Whilst I never told Jem what it was about, it has to do with something similar that had happened earlier today - though I am not technically in a monogamous relationship, so the above can’t fully apply to me. But to explain this better, I’ll have to jump back to something that happened in December 2020.

Capybara had told me about how there was this really attractive lecturer he met in the past whom if I remember correctly, spoke Greek, so his friend got him a Greek dictionary to help him try to impress her, but he never really ran into her again. I had made a comment that you know, guess it worked out for the better because then we would have never become a thing should he have actually succeeded in getting with her. And he made a joke that wasn’t the case or a joke that brushed off what I said as almost nothing. I knew he was joking, but it was kinda a really emotional time for everyone and I’m still even to this day working through my newfound romantic/sexual jealousy issues, so I took it kinda harsh at first and then eventually told him that same night how that kinda made me feel shitty.

Well, today, we were gaming with one of his friends (super great, hardworking, and nice lad) that we often play Sea of Thieves with and it turns out that was the same friend who got him the Greek dictionary, so it somehow got brought up in conversation…and just…they were joking that Capybara was Odysseus and this other woman was Odysseus’s wife and they’d find each other again one day. I can’t remember which character they assigned the friend but they were saying I could be one of the gods, and I’ll be honest, didn’t handle that situation the best, so I made a off hand comment of something like, “Guess I can be Athena or Aphrodite since they’re the jealous types, guess that works pretty well.” Don’t know if they picked up the hint. I don’t know if they were at all thinking about how this was something awkward for me, cuz I’m pretty sure the friend is aware that I’m dating Capy and is supposed to assume we’re monogamous as Capybara doesn’t really feel comfortable letting his friends or family know I have other partners. It just also happened to be a sore topic for me, cuz when Capy made that joke, even though I knew it was nothing more than a joke, it made me feel like nothing and replaceable, which I already see myself as.

Just to kinda let Capybara know that I’d prefer the topic to be dropped, I messaged him privately: “So I just remembered, it was you talking about that Greek dictionary thing to impress that girl and making a joke that like, meeting me wasn’t for the better cuz she’s still out there that kinda made me feel like shit even though it was a joke”

To which he responded with: “she's a lecturer my dude 😂 she's like in her 40's - don't worry”

And I replied with: “No I know, but it was more of the joke that followed that rubbed me wrong. At the time”

And he just sent these two emoji’s in response: 😧 😕

Immediately after our messages, as we had still been playing, he went dead silent and so I noticed this (not sure if the friend did at first) and I at first just tried to silently apologize in DM, cuz I hadn’t meant to upset him, but he still remained silent. So shortly after, I asked if we should call it quits even though it was early. I felt so guilty and I immediately sent him more apology messages and even an apology voice memo, but I assumed he turned his phone off by that point.

Once again, my jealousy got the best of me and I hurt the person I love most in the world and made a fun time involving friends go awkward. I was having a good early afternoon/late morning with him at first, and then I ruined it because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and my jealousy under control. I’m such an asshole.}

Royal (8:22 PM): Off topic, but still on the issue of jealousy, I feel like when I have jealousy issues myself at the point I’m at, it’s like a double headed snake due to me being in a polyamorous relationship - one head are just the pre-established toxic/venomous things that come with jealousy and the other head is the guilt and shame of feeling I have no right to be jealous when I have two other partners myself thus making me feel hypocritical (and being ignorant of any potential jealousy from other partners)

It feels like those two snake heads could eat me alive with just a few bites each if I let them in

It’s such a viscous cycle and honestly, the basic head of jealousy is enough of a problem that turns my stomach, but the second head just makes me want to surrender to the earth

Jem (8:28 PM): I get you It's a lot

Emotions are hard

Royal (8:28 PM): Especially when they revolve around something or someone you already have such an emotional attachment with

And then those feelings, like feelings of jealousy, only end up making you hurt the ones you love

Making them feel guilty or annoyed or like you don’t trust them or something

Jem (8:31 PM): Tbh, as someone who generally struggles with a lot of jealousy type issues, I get that (not necessarily romantic jealousy even, but just there's undercurrents of it that are always there and present in every relationship)

I don't think it's something that can ever be fully dealt with and just I guess has to be accepted and worked around At least for me

Royal (8:33 PM): And it makes you wonder if you truly care for those if you’re so easily jealous of them, since they tell you that shouldn’t feel that way if you really love someone, that you should be able to love them blindly and trust them, and it’s not like I don’t trust, but I feel so easily discardable by those who I could never even fathom of turning my back on

Royal (8:34 PM): Honestly, I’ve even felt some jealousy toward you in the past - not romantically - but it was something I worked on

Jem (8:34 PM): What if I were to say same though haha

Royal (8:34 PM): You seemed to be doing so well with you VN and you picked up art so fast

Jem (8:35): Aah for me it's always revolving around

My need for attention tbh

Royal (8:35 PM): But I told myself, “you just need to keep trying. Feeling negatively toward someone success is selfish and gets you nowhere. Improve yourself and you can also feel that success. He’s not succeeding to hurt you in anyway - you should be happy for him.”

Or like, probably not those exact words, but ya know, that idea

Royal (8:36 PM): Yeah, I understand that too, especially growing up in a family of 6

That kinda happened the other day with Kitty (whom at this point my feelings are pretty platonic) - for over a week now I’ve been telling the girls about a game (For the King) I’ve been interested in playing with them, and the other day, Hummingbird went on a social distancing date with Crystal, so I asked Kitty if she’d like to play with me since it’d be just the two of us and she agreed. However, she had a headache, so we thought it’d be best if she napped first and if she felt better later on then we could play. When she woke up, Lapis hit her up for some gaming and Kitty decided to game with her instead and forgot she agreed to game with me...

Jem (8:41 PM): Ah, that kinda thing really sticks with me

Royal (8:41 PM): And so I’m just getting to a point where I feel like I should just stop asking them if they wanna game with me, because it’s not the first time something like this has happened (at least they don’t follow through, not a matter of them deciding to do something with someone else)

Like, I made the Murder Beans server so Capybara and Kitty (and Hummingbird if she ever decided to get Among Us) could game with my friends in the CSR Creations server, and that was back in fall...the girls never joined a game even when showing express interest and saying they would

Kitty also once went and bought Lapis like the whole Halo Master Chief Collection for Lapis cuz she was broke and wanted it, and the proceeded to play it with her and Hummingbird...and like...I also would have liked to have played Halo with them if given the opportunity, but I was never asked

Sheezus, don’t even get me started in my family and how invisible they made me feel

But yeah, I’m at a point with the girls that I don’t think it’s even worth bothering to ask anymore, at least about gaming

Hummingbird’s confusion and migraines are also coming back, so she has a legit medical excuse and I can’t really bother her about it

Jem (8:48 PM): I get you, yeah

All of those things would really bother me too They have in the past

I remember when I first joined UCSD, I started hanging out often with the girls that lived around me in the dorms And we all started watching Orphan Black together

And then I literally had no idea when they finished the show because after the first couple sessions they forgot to invite me

Royal (8:51 PM): Oof, yeah, that’d bother me too, or at least tell me how they felt about me in my mind

I don’t think with my jealousy, it’s a matter of not trusting my partner or friends or whomever, it’s just a matter of feeling such low self-worth that I feel easy to discard, and when I get brushed to the side or have someone joking along the lines as how dating me wasn’t for the better when someone else is out there, it furthers those feelings I have about myself, those feelings of self-worth and how I’m replaceable or not worth shit

Jem (8:54 PM): I get you I know mine stems from feeling forgettable

Royal (8:54 PM): I know I’m an annoying person, I know I can be a lot and emotionally draining, I know I can be hypersensitive - so I know it feels like it’d be better to be rid of that sort of force if you can find someone better who doesn’t make you feel the way I’d do

(In response to feeling forgettable) Yeah

If you remove the fun hair, piercings, and tattoo, I’m actually quite a boring person

And I’m quite isolated. If you don’t include my partners, there’s only really two people who come to mind that I’d consider close friends that I can talk to: you and someone else (you’ve never met her)

I’m getting to a point where I have a hard time talking to the girls due to the guilt I feel about me more or less wanting to be platonic with them, and then Hummingbird is constantly having a medical crisis and I’d feel bad burdening her further

So really, I’m isolated down to two people, primarily you, + Capybara, and yeah, that’s my own fault

I feel easily exhausted by my other options at this point, where I feel like I can only take Candy in small doses (which feels really hypocritical of me) and my other VA friends or gaming friends, I don’t know if I’m close enough to have those kinds of conversations with, especially the VA friends since I tend to be their boss

For the most part, the other people I’d sometimes talk about these issues with are on servers that are primarily dead, so it feels awkward to hop back in only to bitch about my life

Besides, I hate seeming like I’m only spewing forth toxicity and negative emotions over and over again

Which I worry I do too much with you as is

[szopenhauer]

Would you ever chew gum after someone else already has? noooo, yuk

Earrings or a necklace? necklace

Have you ever wished on 11:11? I do smth else/have different tradition

Have you ever listened to the Goo Goo Dolls? Iris, even recently

Have you ever watched Lost? nah

Do you have pictures of your exes? I think I deleted them

Do you have Ozzy Osbourne on your mp3 player? I don’t listen to him but I liked to watch Osbourne’s family tho

Do you read romance novels? the only one I could count as a romance was Five feet apart

Did you draw pictures for your crushes in preschool? no :o

Have you ever not asked someone out cause you were scared of rejection? yep

Have you ever liked someone just because of their appearance? had some crushes like this, especially celebs lol

Pink or green? green but pink with green looks interesting

A bracelet or a ring? depends

Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter? LOTR

By airplane or bus? bus

What’s the last thing you binge watched? She-ra

Do you watch youtube videos or tv shows more? yt videos

What are you tired of right now? everything

Have you ever gotten rid of something and then regretted it? If so, what?  several things, personal

How does your stomach feel right now? silence before the storm?...

Do you live in an apartment that has inspections? I don’t live in an apartment

Do you hate taking naps during the day? yes and no

Who in your immediate family has the best natural hair? my grandma has, she never got grey hair nor dandruff etc.

Do you know anyone who thinks they’re more talented than they are?   obvi

What is the origin of your last name? polish?

Have you ever been inside a Victorian mansion? I wish

What was the most boring field trip you ever went on? hmm...

What are your favorite types of videos to watch on youtube? music videos, thrift hauls, interiors, fashion, funny stuff...

What’s a DIY craft project you want to try? I’m not into DIY

Are you a hoarder? yep

Do you ever call yourself stupid in your head? often

If you were to start a collection, what would it be? not counting those I already have? for example - znicze

Would you ever give your daughter the middle name Marie? I could, especially if it was a boy :P as it’s legal to call him Maria if it’s the middle name lmfao

Do you have a relationship with God? some sort of it

Have you ever “fired” a doctor? could say so

Who is the prettiest Asian youtuber that you can think of? I don’t watch any Asian youtubers

What was the temperature where you live today? less than 30 Celsius but it felt colder

Is your sleep schedule all messed up? umm...

Did you wear green last St. Patrick’s Day? I don’t celebrate this 

Food: Are you adventurous or do you stick to what you know? stick 

Do you know both of your biological parents? I do

When was the last time you wrote so much your finger ached? last night

Do you store a lot of pictures you’ve taken that no one else has seen? ppl close to me saw them

When did you first start using the internet? regularly or very first time?

Do you prefer tents or staying in hotels? prefer hotels

Do you have any family traditions for certain holidays? Which? personal

Do you enjoy clowns / street performers or are they creepy to you? some I like

Have you ever had a teacher who would just babble about nothing? for example - we had a priest who was always talking about war times or his night dreams :D

Do you ever look at a word and think that it looks odd? hahaha it happens

Did you ever dream about being an animal? plenty

Which vowel occurs most in your whole name? A

What’s your favourite colour on a dog? dunno

Do you prefer Skirts or Dresses? dresses, I can use them as tunics

Have you ever been told you are fake? once :(

Can you do cartwheels? not well

Do you like the name Sara? no longer...

What’s your first name without an r, e, s or l? doesn’t change

What’s your age plus two divided by 4? 7.5

Do you know someone named after a month (April, May, June)? used to know May

Stop typing. What do you hear? someone is mowing grass as every other day ugh...

What was the last book you read that also is a film? Five feet apart

How often do you get a new purse or a new wallet? whenever I feel like it but I thrift them so it’s not like I spend lots of money

What is the most money that you have ever spent on getting your nails done? few PLN for a nail polish and done them myself lol

Does it matter to you if your girlfriend drinks? I wouldn’t date an alcoholic, someone who is drunk a lot and then do stupid stuff, pukes, have hangovers often, spend all their money on alcohol, smells like it, gross!

Has a little kid ever fallen asleep on your lap before? nah, just cat

If you heard your best friend’s significant other was cheating on them, would you tell them? Even if you couldn’t prove it? I’d mention that to them

Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? if they want to attend...

Have you ever stayed on a ride at a theme park to ride it again? nope

Where did your mother and father meet for the first time? in front of the church

Would you rather read books or magazines? depends

Have you ever had your cheek pinched? I hate that >.>

Do you own any plaid pants? I have a pair of plaid leggings and pajamas

Do you talk in your sleep? nah

Have you ever fallen off a horse? never been on a horse to fall

Can you pick things up with your toes? I do this often

If you are a girl, do you get bad PMS, or is it not so bad? my PMS were usually worse than my period

Would you rather have your shirt be too long or too short? too long

Are you the type of person who can shake insults off easily, or do they tend to stick around in your brain & bother you? stay forever

Do you like clothes with ruffles on them? usually not

Were you happy when you woke up today? I wasn’t

Have you used the opposite sex’s bathroom in a public place before? had to 

Do you rent movies frequently? I don’t have money for that

Do you quote movies or songs to answer survey questions? very rarely as it’s annoying

What is your name spelled backwards? Annazuz :3

How do you think the world will end? people will destroy it?

An alien ship lands at your house, and they want you. Do you go with them? 

If you were in a horror flick, would you be one of the first ones to die? I think I would survive or die saving someone

What movie has been taken WAY too far, as far as sequels go? most of them but it’s more shows’ thingy

Do you get a fake Christmas tree each year, or a real one? fake, I’m against using real ones

How long would you have to know someone before tying the knot? it’s not about length of time that much

Would you embarass yourself if you met your favorite celebrity? probably :x

If a person had a glass eye, would that scare you? no idea, hope not as I don’t wanna make them feel bad, sorry in advance

Are you a twin? am not

Do you get paranoid that someone’s looking at your through your window? my neighbor sometimes does so...

Mountains, oceans, or forests? forests

When was the last time you “de-haired” your hairbrush? recently?

Are any of your great grandparents still alive? they’re all dead

Where’s your significant other? visiting her dad

How much blankets do you sleep under? 1-2

Is a hair dryer a necessity for you? it is

If you were atop a tall building, would you throw stuff at people below? don’t do that!

Do you believe we really landed on the moon? I don’t give a shit

Name a movie everyone else thought was funny, but you couldn’t stand: majority of comedies tbh

What topping do you HATE on pizzas? same, I’m more into simple food

Got any interesting wigs? bunch

Can you resist temptation? most often

Would a credit card get you into trouble? if I lost it, I would be paranoid about it 24/7, omg I just got scared I’ve lost my ID and bus card 

Truth or dare? truth?

Which is more annoying: sequels or prequels? *shrug*

Do you use rechargeable batteries? when I did they were blowing up, didn’t charge back or smth like this so I prefer normal ones thank you very much

Describe the chair you’re sitting in. Is it comfy? it's so old there’s barely anything left to sit on but I have no cash for a new one nor can get that kind of chair anywhere so... 2 pillows under my butt have to be enough

What would you do if you thought someone was following you? try to lose them

[juulforjisung]

Johnny x Male reader

requestes: yes "Hey! How are you doing???? Could I request some Johnny x male reader please?"

a/n: omg okay I'm sorry for not being active... I was busying on a vacation and I didn't have time... So hopefully you forgive me and enjoy !

Honestly he is EVERYONE'S boyfriend goals

He is a big dork and will always try to make you laugh

"hey, why did the chicken cross the road?"

"Johnny it's 1 in the morning go to sleep."

"because she was afraid someone would Cesar :D"

"Johnny oh my god-"

Lame puns and pick up lines for days™

Makes fun of you for being short but he loves to give you piggy back rides

"you look like a 5th grader." "Johnny that makes you sound like a pedo-" "OH SHIT"

He is needy™ but acts like he isn't

He loves to hold your small figure in his big hands

He runs his fingers through your hair and massages you whenever you're stress

"baabeee... Can I have some cuddles?"

He doesn't really like cuddling since he has such a big body but he will whenever you feel sad

He likes to see you wearing his clothes

His hoodies and your socks are his favorite outfit on you ;)

Will purposely put his clothes in your closet

But you're not complaining

He begs you to get matching couple tattoos

You tell him it's stupid and than he gives you the silent treatment

So you end up agreeing

He also forces you to make cringy couple videos while wearing matching clothes

You love hate it

Once you guys visited his family in Chicago and he tripped you while you were talking to his mom

So you got revenge by pouring salt all over his food

You guys always play pranks on each other

While on the trip you put pink hair dye in "his shampoo"

But it was his dad's shampoo

He was not happy

His family really likes you especially because you aren't towering over them

Johnny made you do aegyo and his mom walked in

"Johnny I know you have an aegyo kink, so next time please lock your door" *leaves*

"mOM" Johnny is sitting there embarrassed while you're rolling on the floor laughing

Anyways,

Johnny likes to treat you to a lot of things

So at one point you had to steal his wallet so he could stop

He still doesn't stop

"y/n, give me my wallet. I need to treat you like the prince you are."

You give it back to him but you ended up treating him

You know he likes to be taken care of

Johnny likes to embarrass you

Once Johnny was doing a vlive and you walked in "Damn is that my boyfriend?" *Shoves the camera in your face* "why you so damn cute for? BIH why? Oh damn look at that ASs"

You made sure to have vlive notifications on

Also after that Johnny wasn't allowed to do solo vlives

Also did I mention Johnny is ass obsessed?

Like he really REALLY loves your ass

He likes to give it pats, rubs, pokes, bites, etc.

The first time he touched your butt was during a Lazy day

You were laying on him when he suddenly places his hands on your butt and started patting it

Ever since then he couldn't keep his hands off of your butt

not to be nsfw but while you guys were cuddling he started rubbing your butt

Your face flushed a deep red and you tried not to make any noises

He looked down at you confused but then realized what was happening and smirked at you

He slapped your ass and you accidentally let out a moan and he laughed at you

"joHNNY for FUcks sake" *you walked away from him embarrassed* (sorry but I couldn't help myself)

Anyways

He takes things too Literally (as a joke)

"Johnny go take a shower, you stink"

"where do you want me to take it?"

Johnny asked you to be his boyfriend at the park

It was raining but you guys stayed underneath the playground

"have you ever thought about kissing in the rain?"

"no, but I thought about kissing you"

After that you guys have been inseparable

He is always spamming you with love memes

Johnny:

Y/n: Johnny why

Once he took a meme video and said "send this to your crush"

so you sent it to Jaehyun as a joke

"y/n, why did you send it to Jaehyun?"

"because he's my celeb crush"

"y/n... I am a celeb... And I am your boyfriend."

"yOUr poInT????"

"Y/N!!"

[wernerherzogs]

I agree with your tags, but i also think (if hes gay, which i think he is) hes super bad at performing heterosexuality? Either because hes just genuinely bad at it or because maybe he just doesnt care that much? for example during txf i saw some comments from viewers on twitter that just assumed he was gay and nothing changed? Again this has no point but its so interesting how hes heavily closeted but doesnt really has to do /anything/ about it at the same time (again, if he is indeed gay)

oh interesting points! i think i’d agree.

also some ppl wanted me to expand on why louis “has to” be straight if he wants a uk/europe-centered career. i think everyone who says shit like “it’s 2019, why won’t xyz just come out?” probably is an adult who lives in a very big city and has a carefully curated friend group. can’t speak for the continents i’ve never been to, and i don’t have any Official Data, and am Obviously Generalizing for Discourse’s Sake, but i’d guess that in an average european family (with the exception of scandi countries, maybe, since they’re Advanced in almost Every Area) for every 2 (potentially) supportive family members there are at least 5 other ones whose reaction to you being gay would fall somewhere on “i don’t understand it/why?/you’ve been lying to me!/this is so wrong/you need to get help”. and that’s not even me touching the situation in the uk specifically, especially the middle/lower class part of the market. tl;dr while no one /has/ to stay in the closet, of course it’s still easier to launch a solo career (be it music or film) if you’re not Openly&Loudly Gay?

i’ve been thinking about how Wildt it is that dan wootton of the sun is still asking for larry stylinson takes three years after freddie, and after the last time harry and louis Officially saw each other was that txf performance. and then i started thinking about some other stuff. despite the fact that ppl like perez hilton tried to make xarry happen, or that nick grimshaw tries to make gryles happen from time to time, the man harry styles has been linked to most often throughout the Sexuality Rumours part of his career is louis tomlinson. harry styles is the /only/ man louis has been linked to. they both have “general” sexuality rumours, but those are framed differently, too. people on tumblr dot com who think that “harry is practically out” truly don’t realise how little the GP knows, and how little it gives a shit about him possibly being lgbt. i’m sure there were exceptions of the rule, probably mostly on some us and uk media outlets, but a large part of those syndicated press articles after harry first performed “medicine” was very Telling. before “medicine” it was “harry styles has dated taylor swift, kendall jenner, and 23428 nameless models” (occasionally cara delevingne gets namedropped too). after “medicine” it was “harry styles has dated taylor swift, kendall jenner, 23428 nameless models, and maybe has sucked a friendly dick or two here and there, Like Famous People do, especially high or drunk, but probably still lives on p*ssy 24/7”. like people absolutely don’t take bisexuality seriously, especially male, unless there’s solid photographic evidence. once there’s evidence, they usually don’t think it’s bisexuality, but someone being gay/lesbian, but afraid of “coming out Fully”, because they love that biphobia. the article that harry’s bisexuality rumours after “medicine” got on the most popular gossip site in my country is the perfect example of that. ik y’all don’t speak the language, but trust me when i say that while they acknowledge that harry has had sexuality rumours going on for a while now, they don’t namedrop /any/ man in that context, not louis, nor nick, nor anyone else, and look at them ending the article with a pic of harry hugging TOMMY THE FUN DAD of all people. like. not even poor el jefe, akfjsa. that’s how Little some people know, if they even know who harry is, or if they care about him.

now let’s imagine that harry and louis are both closeted, but have never dated each other. JUST FOR FUNSIES, bear with me. if any of them was to come out (in a Grand Gesture Way, not “those are just rumours” way, like getting photographed with someone who’s not the other one), especially while trying to release their first solo album, the other would automatically get asked about that. automatically. (and what if one them wanted to be out, but the other wouldn’t, and wouldn’t want to be Dragged into a public coming out?) and not only them! look at all the journalists still pressing members of 1d for quotes on the hiatus and on zayn (and other things! like them asking louis about the dirt on liam and naomi, for example) /three years/ after the disband, while all of them are currently trying to make their name for themselves, and two of them don’t even have proper solo albums out yet. so the other 2 (3) band members would absolutely get asked about that, too, and then also about other stuff. because if someone was being closeted while in 1d, what were the other Dirty Secrets? journalists would go hard after substance abuse especially (in zayn’s case most of all). now let’s all remember that thanks to those leaked “got talent” (i think?) contracts we know that simon cowell makes ppl sign the clause about /anyone in the fucking solar system/ not being allowed to say /any/ bad thing about him.

tl;dr if at least one of the members of 1d is closeted, it’s not wild to assume that they have to think about not only themselves, but also 3 (4) other people if they were to make A Big Deal out of coming out of said closet. (i obviously want to add that they don’t owe anyone shit, and that coming out should never be an obligation for /any/ celeb). i think harry is in the easiest position if he is indeed “only” bisexual, not “fully” gay. he can go with “yeah i knew i liked boys even while being in the band, but dated all of those girls for real because i do also like girls, and the other band members were supportive”, which wouldn’t necessarily spark too many angry takes about Injustice of Having Been Closeted (because he does like girls too, bless him!) and make people inquire about Other Things That Might Have Been Covered Up during that time. 

but tl;dr literally no matter what you believe in, this situation is so complicated that it makes me lose my mind a little whenever i try to consider it from /any/ goddamn angle. r i p.

[thisdiscontentedwinter]

submission

Hello, do you remember me? I’m the anon who asked for help because he’s afraid that he’ll become an SJW. I just want to say thanks for the advice, for Disco, Disco’s followers, and Disco’s anons. If you remember getting an ask from an anon about a gay guy who’s insecure about his appearance, that’s also me. Also a huge thank you for that. I just want to ‘report’ to you about my progress.

I’ve tried to detach myself away from celebrities. I try to avoid looking at pics of my favorite celebs like RDJ, or Tom Holland, because for now, they are quite triggering for me. But I’m getting better, I promise! If I used to get upset for like, hours, after I saw pictures of them, because I imagine them being unfaithful, now I usually forget about it after like overthinking for 15 minutes, and move on.

But today, I cracked. I stumbled upon this blog http://yourfaveisproblematic.tumblr.com/, and from the very first start, I knew that browsing that blog would do me no good, but in the end I still did it. And as expected, it really made (makes) me upset & lose hope, when I see racist, sexist, homophobic celebrities still going strong (some are stronger), and it really makes me more upset when I found out that some of my faves even defended their friends who have/had that behavior. I really feel alone when I’m thinking about this issue because I feel I probably the only one who stupidly gets upset over other people’s behavior. People that I personally don’t know. I feel I’m the only one who takes issues about racism, etc seriously amongst my rl friends. That makes me wonder, am I the only one who takes it seriously? Or am I the only one who takes it TOO seriously?

About the infidelity thing, I think I know why I was sooo upset about people being unfaithful, especially men. I just (over)empathized because my father was one. He slept with lots of girls when he was young, leaving many of the pregnant, and he used to share that story with me & my siblings when we were kids, and he was proud like it was something funny to tell, but deep inside, even until now, I get sick remembering his story. Add that to my personality, who is sensitive by nature, and my tendency to empathize more to the minority since I am one too, makes me oversensitive about infidelity. And with people accepting/don’t care about men being unfaithful because reasons like “he’s a guy, it’s no surprise”, I’m upset because it teaches the younger men to think “well, since I’m a guy, it’s not a big deal if I cheat, every man does it”. And it’s making me feel really upset because I feel there’s no progress in the world. Men keep being shitty & entitled because “boys will be boys”.

But I have to say, the racism & sexism that happen (even on twitter) still upsets me a lot. As a gay Asian man, I feel really angry whenever I see sexist & racist post, but I can ignore homophobia, maybe because I’m still closeted and yet to face real-life homophobia. Like when I saw a twitter video (from your anon actually) about a black couple making fun/mimicking the accent of a Vietnamese salon lady, and the twitter response was torn between offended Asians Vs “It’s not a big deal/black people can’t be racist because we’re minorities” from mostly black people. I was really upset because racism against Asian is still being severely overlooked & made fun of. Like if that video was about an Asian doing blackface etc, or making fun of black people, people will lose their shit. But what made me feel better is there are also lots of black people who also thought that it was not cool.

About my body acceptance, I started to unfollow lots of tumblrs & subreddits that I used to follow, most of them are porn/nsfw blogs about sexy men, which you can guess, most of them are white men. I am following more Asian men blogs, so I can have a more positive and realistic body goals.

For now, I still want to get surgery on my face, but I’m not as depressed as I was. The difference is, I used to think “I’m so ugly, I need surgery, why the fuck I was born like this”, and now I think “If I had money, I’ll fix this and this”. Maybe it’s not much of a big difference, but I guess I don’t think about killing myself that much now.

The dating scene in the gay community sucks, you’re right. Not to mention that racism is also rampant in the gay community. If there’s an Asian guy who rants about being fetishized, people will start calling us crybaby, bitchy, clingy, etc. Or telling us that we should be grateful because at least there are people who want us.

They will never know how it feels to be conditioned to like a certain group of people, yet that certain group of people (are also conditioned, I guess to) find us unattractive.

If we say about wanting a proper gay Asian representation in media, people will say that we ask too much. I feel that’s rich, coming from a community who also wants “proper” representation for LGBT aka white gay dude.

Recently, I’m telling myself “Start from the little things, take baby steps before you can change the world.” Maybe I’m being too impatient and too ambitious, but I feel I’m contributing nothing to the world. If I tell my friends not to be sexist, would they stop being sexist? Probably not, since I have done that a few years ago and my guy friends still have sexist mindset. Then what am I good for? Will I be making a difference to the world in 10 years? Will I even have the chance to be creating a difference to lots of people? If not, then what am I doing? Am I that insignificant? Should I just let go of my cause, and live without any consideration to the others?

Sorry if I sound too dramatic & exaggerating. I hope you don’t mind me getting things off my chest here. Thank you so much Disco. I’m sorry if any of my words offend you or anyone reading this.

DW: 

Thanks for letting me know how you’re going! I’m glad you’re doing better. It might only feel like small steps to you, but I think it’s huge that you’re not being as negative on yourself, and not wanting to kill yourself. (You did say “that much”, which is huge progress, but I hope you can keep working on your self acceptance so that it’s something that you can get past altogether.) I hope that you can keep taking these small steps, and that you see how far you’ve come. 

I think there’s a really important distinction between knowing that people are often shitty, and actually inviting that into your Tumblr feed every day, you know? You don’t need to look at blogs that reinforce the negative things you already know about the world--not if they’re going to trigger you. And I think I’ve told you this before--you need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with making yourself, and your own mental wellness, your first priority.  

I really wish you the best, and please remember that when you’re thinking those negative thoughts, and the world really does seem overwhelmingly shitty, and people seem overwhelmingly shitty as well, that there are plenty of us out there who want you to be happy.  

[annashipper]

Megapost 25/02/18

Anna:  I’m putting all of these asks together, because I wasn’t online yesterday and don’t want to flood everyone’s dashboards taking around in circles.  These are the last asks I’m putting up on the subject.

~*~

Nonny Nr. 1:   "Benedict has been referred to as arrogant [...[ that he was ‘up his own arse’". Also the rest of the cast of "A:OC" thought he was being arrogant when, instead of staying in the place they rented for the whole cast (to give themselves a feeling of being a family), BC chose to remain, by himself, at a hotel. But, I don't go to team shit because I'm shy. I think most actors are arrogant, some just hide it well, but think of the ego it must take to think the whole world will love you.

Anna:  Yeah, I remember that, although of course Meryl Streep never characterized him as arrogant.  She just mentioned it casually in conversation:

Meryl Streep was actually quite gracious when talking about Ben on another instance:

By the way, I don’t think Ben in particular is one of those actors who assumes the whole world loves him.  Quite the opposite in fact.

~*~

Nonny Nr. 2:  Re Arrogant. He has reportedly "not mixed well" on ONE movie (in all others he's described as nice, friendly, and helpful). In promos Streep said he wouldn't stay in a house w/ the rest of the cast. But it was at the start of the shamwow, he might have been worried about what stunt she might pull in front of mega stars. I wonder how many comments got to her employer. Does anyone know if she still has a job? Also aggravation with someone can seem like arrogance, she could just be a twat.

Anna:  As far as Meryl Streep goes, see above.  

By the way, as far as I’m aware of, Weirdo wasn’t in the picture back then.  I might be wrong cause this all happened before I ever became a fan.

~*~

Nonny Nr. 3:  It is very strange. When somebody write Sophie is arrogant, we say, well she is Weirdo, gold digger, so avant-garde and so on, what do you want from her? But when somebody say Ben is arrogant.. well he is just a human, he has a bad day, it is not professional to say that and so on. This is not the first time when somebody say he is arrogant and think about himself too much. 

Anna:  Nonny, I believe I’ve made it perfectly clear that I take no issue with the journalist’s opinion of Ben.  My issue was with her lack of professionalism.  If anyone has a soapbox to stand on and share their personal opinions with the world, that is journalists.  The fact that she didn’t do it on an article, but chose to do it on social media tells me everything I need to know about her journalistic integrity  ;o)

~*~

Nonny Nr. 4:   I remember one interviewer at the flower show he attended with Wanda saying he was stroppy. But then I found out later she had done a butcher piece on him previously. Yeah I wouldn’t be to nice to someone that wrote something nasty about me previously.

Anna:  I don’t remember that particular instance Nonny, but I’m with you, in that I wouldn’t blame any public figure who’d be cagey when confronted with a journalist who’s done a butcher piece on them in the past.  That’s just human nature.

~*~

Nonny Nr. 5:   I don't mind the hair but oh boy whatever he is doing for his face is working. Looked great in both the high and unfiltered low res pics!

Anna:  I agree Nonny.  I think he looks much more relaxed nowadays and decidedly younger than he did (especially a couple of years ago).

~*~

Izzy:   "What I’d really like to know is this:  at what point did she decide to add tags to her post? "-The 2nd set of tags she made was in the form of a comment and it's at the top so she did that before the Ubers chimed in. And if u look at her other posts she does the same thing whenever she posts a pic of a celeb. She tagged a pix of Dakota Johnson with unrelated people like Emma stone & ScarJo. She seems like a flake and unprofessional but she didnt do anything special against Ben w/the tags

Anna:  Thanks for putting things into perspective Izzy!  It always helps with weeding out an attention seeker  :D

~*~

RAA:  I have finally watched Black Panther, I loved it! I am pleasantly surprised by Martin's character, he was a bit bland in Civil War, in BP he has more than 2 sentences, do some humour and he even get to do some action! It sometime reminded me of the Hobbit, especially with the battles. Loved the story, does anybody knows if it's like the comic? Lupita is fantastic, and we get to see her, unlike when she was in Star Wars.

Anna:  I haven’t read a single Marvel comic in my life RAA, so I have no idea about BP in particular.

With regards to Martin, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by how much screen time he was allotted.  I wasn’t expecting his role to be as significant.  Then again, that only goes to show that Ryan Coogler wasn’t messing around when writing the script.  There’s a reason none of the characters in the film feel like two dimensional cardboard cutouts.

[ciera-richez]

The GQ article, IMO...straight up ridiculousness, and lies vs. the truth behind them.

Any of you who follow me on Twitter or follow this blog know that I don’t usually post my own original posts very often, but today I feel I need to...also it’s hard to say what I want to say with a 140 character limit (please Twitter, just stop with that LOL).

I wasn’t planning to read this article...I still really haven’t. I have skimmed through it, however, and some things jumped out at me that I wanna point out, and basically express my opinions on these things. Before you ask, I’m not posting the whole thing, because I think the whole thing is ridiculous and the feel of it to me is like it was written by a 12 year old, rather than an adult “journalist.”

Anyway, here we go...

1) For starters, the first several paragraphs... What the actual fuck? To me, it’s ridiculous rambling, filling up space to make the article look bigger. Totally unnecessary.

2) The singer...his “romantic partner.”

Hm...not “fiance?” 😱 How is this possible?

Please...if their version of “romance” is not seeing each other for months, and she’s out there partying and doing lord knows what with other men while he’s working, then I want no part of that.

Give me a break...they’re not together, okay? They never were.

3) Is it just me, or does this “journalist’s” description of The Twilight Saga make her sound like a bit of a hater?

4) The paparazzi descended upon him in a way we hadn’t seen since Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were a thing. (They were once a thing!) Tabloids camped outside his home. “People were like, ‘It’s fine, who cares?’” he says now. “‘They’re just photos or whatever.’ They’ll say, ‘Just live your life.’ But that’s not life for me, if someone’s observing it.”

And this is exactly why he hides his life away from the public eye! Whatever you’re seeing in public is not what’s real. It’s the “public persona” he wants you to see. Same with his wife. This is how they hide.

5) During the height of the Twilight madness, he had each of his friends call Ubers while he traded outfits with them in the restaurant bathroom, so that photographers wouldn’t know which car he got into, and then he sent all the Ubers in different directions, because drop dead. He rode around in the trunks of cars “constantly,” he says, because fuck you. At one point he had five rental cars and kept them, along with a change of clothes, in parking lots around town. If he was being followed, he’d dip into one of the lots, switch his clothing and his car, and leave. One day, coming home from Venice, he realized he was being tailed. He drove around for hours because he didn’t want anyone to know where his new house was. Finally, as the sun came up, he pulled over and got out of the car and approached one of the photographers. “You’ve gotten your pictures,” he said. “Can I please just go home now?” “No,” the guy told him. “My boss says I can’t come back until I know where your new house is. Sorry, man.” Pattinson never tried to negotiate or appeal to their humanity again.

I can totally picture all of this happening...and it’s sad. Paparazzi and tabs are nothing but money-hungry fucking vultures, and they don’t care what they have to do or who they hurt to make the all-mighty dollar. Disgusting!

6) “There are ways to disappear, like, fairly easily,” he tells me. “It just involves effort, and most people can’t be bothered to put the effort in.”

‘Nuff said.

7) I’d just like to point out how many times the “journalist” mentions his “girlfriend” in this article...

It speaks to me. She’s clearly in love with the faux-mance.

Also, she speaks about Kristen by calling her the “ex” and only mentions her by name once, from what I saw (remember, I only skimmed the article), and that was when she spoke about Twilight and Kristen being his co-star.

Get over it, honey...Kristen’s his wife. 😉

8) About the paparazzi: “They’re just losers trying to do their jobs.”

So true! But they could go about things a lot differently than they do, rather than shoving cameras in celeb’s faces 24/7, making up bullshit stories to go along with whatever pictures they do capture (and/or photoshop) and alienating people just to make a buck.

9) In fact, Pattinson tells me, he went to therapy a few years ago during a low time, and the therapist often remarked how good he was at talking without saying anything. Now he applies this skill whenever he’s forced to hang out with people like me. “If I could stay silent,” he says, “I would.”

Exactly...he talks without saying anything. He’s not giving anything away that he doesn’t want out there.

10) Me: “Are you getting married?” Him: “Eh…,” then laughs.

Did she really expect him to answer that?

11) I try again for even one iota of intimate conversation. But he just asks me why he would ever answer. So I think back on all the interviews I’ve done, and I tell him very honestly that I think it’s because people want to be heard. Most of us, even the most famous of us—sometimes especially the most famous of us—want to be understood.

“I don’t,” he says. “I want to be misunderstood. People are always changing, and the more you put something down in print, people form opinions and they’re constantly creating who they think you are. If you do something that contradicts that, or if you do something which goes out of that box, then you can look like a liar or something like that.”

Which is why he says nothing.

I think that’s it of my observations of this ridiculousness of an article. A lot of it (if not all of it) was just bullshit, in my opinion, and could’ve been done a lot better.

But...this isn’t the first time an article with he or Kristen has been shit, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.

✌️

[lesbian-ed]

🌸Hi, a few years ago when I was 16 (19 now)I was forced out to my friends by this homophobic girl, and I came out as bi (still in the closet to my family), I'm no longer friends with any of them, but I can't figure out what label I should have, I really want to just know who I am. I said to them I was bi, but I've never felt right with that label. I read about comp het and it makes so much sense to me, but I still don't know. 1/5

🌸I feel, like, attracted to male celebs, but only when they’re in films or tv, and watching interviews of them ruins it?, and whenever I’m around guys I get these thoughts I can’t control about kissing them and sleeping with them and I feel rlly self conscious, I said this to a friend who said it’s a crush, but I get it with people I don’t like at all 2/?

🌸 And sometimes I have a phase where I feel like I could date a guy and marry him and have kids and be happy but it feels like I’m imagining a perfect version of me that actually im not like at all? And as well I can only imagine myself with a young guy, once I think about a 30 yr old or older I don’t want it anymore, but the perfect fantasy seems so appealing idk 3/?

🌸I feel different about girls but I don’t know I’m catholic and I feel like it’s always been other people are gay and that’s ok but not me? And I don’t know whether I feel no attraction to girls or I’m pushing it down bc when I see girls kiss on tv I literally have started crying and I saw a lesbian couple in public once and I got butterflies and also Ive found myself changing pronouns in songs in my head without realising but I’ve never had close to a crush on anyone especially not a girl 4/5

🌸Ive never even met a gay girl except for one pan girl at school but she was really weird and rude so I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like to like someone? writing this all down it makes it sound like I’m definitely a lesbian but that scares me so much bc ill never have a normal life and I can’t shake this feeling that actually I do want to be with a guy but I’m trying to be interesting or I’m faking this or something. Pls tell me your thoughts on this 5/5

Oh, anon. This literally all feels as if my younger self came into my ask box just now to ask for advice. 

I understand your pain, I really do, I went through so many of the same thought processes you’re describing now. It’s good that you’re aware of compulsory heterosexuality, since I believe that will make sorting your feelings easier. Still, I recommend you look through our tag (if you haven’t already) to read more thoughts on this. It’ll help. 

I obviously can’t tell you what your sexuality is for you, that’s your own journey to make, but this sounds so much like my own experience that I’m pretty sure what the answer is already.

Anon, let me tell you a story, I went to a catholic school and while my parents are pretty liberal and not that religious (in fact, my dad’s an atheist) I was also raised with the idea that ok, there were gay people out there, and I didn’t care what other people did with their lives! But honestly that was kind of weird and I couldn’t be like them, because they weren’t normal, like I should be. I was bullied a lot as a kid, because I was weird and ugly and way too shy and easy to pick on, so I grew up with this idea that whatever else happened, I had to stop being like that, I had to be beautiful and normal and acceptable. And that of course included a perfect fantasy of marrying the man of my dreams after he fell in love with men when I suddenly grew up to be the most beautiful woman there was, and having kids, and holding down a successful job that I was happy doing and having lots of money and well, just having the most perfect life. How could I not want that? Ever since I was old enough to walk, society fed me the idea that this was my ideal endgame, how could we ALL not dream about that at some point? 

I used to be obsessed with those stories where the “ugly” girl suddenly turns beautiful and the Nice Perfect Popular Boy finally notices her and they get together, those stories were my dream life. As a kid and young teen I’d fantasize about them constantly, I’d make up characters that would always end up fulfilling those same tropes. It was the way to prove to all those who ever called me ugly or belittled me because I was nerdy that “see? I got the happy ending” so when I was twelve, and suddenly all the girls were having crushes on boys I felt nothing for, while I started noticing seemingly out of the blue just how incredibly beautiful so many girls my age and older were, I got veeery scared. I couldn’t like girls like that, I wasn’t like that, I was already weird and had no friends, so how could I ever hope to find a girl who liked girls who’d like me? And if I did, everyone already hated me, so how would I bear it? The stares and the insults and the danger we’d face if people saw us together on the street? So I pushed that attraction down as far as I could, I convinced myself I was actually just too inmature to start thinking about crushes and all that stuff, and obviously when I was mature enough and the time came, I’d like boys, because that’s what Normal Girls did right? And I had to be normal.

In my school’s equivalent of US’ eighth grade, a new boy came to our class, he was pretty, and friendly, and most importantly, blonde! and he was the school sports star! It felt like every movie-like fantasy I ever had come to life. Every girl was in love with him, so one time I had a dream where we were dating. I woke up being absolutely ecstatic, that must have meant I had a crush right? I liked a boy? I was definitely straight?

I never actually began feeling nervous around this boy, or looking at him any more than usual until I had this dream and decided that meant I was in love. I told a friend eventually because I was excited about being in love and the fantasy I had created for myself about our perfect relationship (which did involve us kissing and having sex, and I never actually felt turned on about it but I did imagine it a lot because it meant we were In Love, so those fantasies happen even if you don’t actually like like the person in question, dw!), and isn’t that what you do when you like someone? Gossip about it with your friends? She told some of my bullies and the dude found out, so he started laughing at me in the middle of the class and calling me ugly and saying he was traumatized at the mere idea of me liking him. 

And I… felt nothing. I was angry of course, and sad, but it was just the same anger and sadness I felt when some random I didn’t like made fun of me, it wasn’t even like what I felt when former friends said nasty stuff about me. And I wanted to be heartbroken I wanted to wallow in the misery and the drama of it, but I just wasn’t, it was the same ��well this shit sucks and I’m angry about it but it happens everyday so wyd?” There was no deeper feeling there, not even any special resentment, there was nothing. I never felt anything ever again when I looked at this boy.

Now, sometime later, the same boy starts dating a girl from our class, and it was around the same time that I was coming to terms with the fact that the latent attraction I had started to feel for women when I was younger had never actually gone away but rather had grown. Things were purely about sexual attraction for me at that point, not romantic feelings. I hadn’t actually been in love with a girl either by that point. Because even tho I was accepting my sexual attraction to women, I still had the idea in my mind that ideally I would end up with a boy, because when so much of my hopes for the future relied of me being beautiful and a man falling in love with me forever and ever so that I could have a normal future, letting go of that dream took a while. I called myself bisexual for a while, only to realize very little later that it didn’t actually fit me. When I did, it was hard, because I had to re-come out again to my mom and the two friends I had told, and that really scared me, because I felt like some fake, like what I felt was not actually real. I put it off, and my friends & mom were accepting but they also were like “you’re just confused about your sexuality!!/this is just a phase!!” so that fed into my insecurities. Even when I realized I was sexually into women only, I still hadn’t fallen in love with one, so that made things more confusing for me (I hadn’t fallen for any boy other than the one I mentioned earlier and one I met on a vacation that thought I liked for like a week because he had a pretty voice and was pretty androgynous lmao, but again, no heartbreak when he went away)

Eventually, (funnily enough through fandoms and f/f ships and fics that depicted them in loving relationships, And I cried when I read about girls kissing too, at first I thought it was because I was a Good Straight Ally, but I was just a lesbian lmao) I realized that I could also be happy in a relationship with a woman, that it was not only a possible future for me, but one that I wanted, one that felt right, one in which I wouldn’t be the beautiful, perfect, feminine, smart, succesful career woman I had dreamed of as a kid, but in which I’d be me, with all my quirks and faults, with another woman with her own quirks and faults who’d love me for who I am, because that was possible! It was possible to be happy like that!. When I realized this, that me liking girls romantically and sexually, and exclusively girls was okay, it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes. Suddenly, all the feelings and attraction I had thought I had felt for boys paled in comparison to the intensity of what I felt for women, I learned what actual sexual desire was like, I yearned for a future with a real me in it with a real woman by my side, instead of the fake ideal I’d wanted to be when I was younger. It was around that time I fell in love for the first time.

Remember how I mentioned the boy I used to “like” got a girlfriend? Well, guess who I fell for? Me and her were assigned seats together one year in high school, and I got to know her through the first term, every time liking her more and more, until one day, she just walks into class, and I think she did something different with her hair? Whatever it was, seeing her felt like someone punching the breath out of me, it felt like watching literal perfection embodied. And I was gone, I was just so so sooo gone. I felt sparks when we sat next to each other, I couldn’t stop smiling like a fool whenever I looked at her, she’d say something nice to me and it felt like my soul was flying out of my body. And of course it was idealized, it was a crush on a girl I didn’t know that well, but the feelings I had, I had for her, for her actual personality, her actual sweetness, her actual kindness, even her actual rashness sometimes, not the fantasy I had made up of her that I projected onto her like I did when I “liked” her boyfriend. I liked her as a person. Plus the intensity of both crushes was just so fucking different. When I liked her, I cried when we were apart and at the thought of her with her dumbass idiot boyfriend, I listened to a love song and could relate to it for the first time. I understood finally why people would write poetry and songs and do all sorts of crazy things for this feeling. 

Tldr: I also fantasized about the ideal boy and I was never able to allow myself to feel anything for a girl because of how much I had repressed my sexuality due to fear of backlash until I was able to recognize that yes, liking women was OK and then all my repressed feelings came pouring out like a tsunami. 

If that sounds like something you can kind of relate to, then that’s your answer anon. However, it might not be, or maybe you don’t know if it is yet. That’s alright! Sexuality can be complicated and it can take a long time to figure it out. You’re not on a deadline here, you don’t have to stress about it.

As for the normal part, yeah being a lesbian in this society sucks a lot. And I still get terrified of the idea that I will not be “normal” and that I can never be happy. Even if I know deep in my heart that I can never be happy with a man, sometimes I wonder if it’d be worth it to spare me the pain. The answer? Hell no, I’ve got one life, one, what’s the point of wasting it on loveless unfulfilled relationships when I could try to go for someone I’ll actually be happy with? There’ll be pain, of course there will be, I live in a small town and I’ve only just started meeting other lesbians & bi girls offline this year because I’ve gone to university, and I’ve only ever actually started talking to and becoming actual friends with the ones I knew online this year too because I was so terrified before! All of them tell me about their hurt, and how lesbophobia affects them a lot, and yet I see them talking about how much they love their girlfriends/wives (I don’t have that because I’m an awkward potato but I’m trying) and also other lesbians, and it gives me hope, because I can be just like them, finding genuine happiness amidst the pain.

I hope this answer helps you. 

Mod M :D 

[boofrp]

hello again my babies!! if you have been following my whole journey to the group interview yesterday you might wanna read this post? i mean you probably don’t but i just need to express what happened yesterday because it was great and i think my mum is sick of hearing me talk about it over and over again. it’s all under the cut because yikes!! there is so much to tell yall about it.

if there’s one thing you probably remember it would be that i was SO scared about not having something nice to wear. this is a fashion brand and i wanted to look cute and trendy - wearing smth that may be different to what everyone else was wearing. so i arrived in town at 9am and my interview was not until 12:30pm so i had a v long while before i had to go. so i spent my time browsing kmart because i’m fucking CHEAP (( hence why i need this job lol )) so i was wearing leggings and a shirt that looks like this except its tighter and the sleeves are tighter too and its a lil bit of a darker grey 

but the thing was i wanted something high waisted to wear with it cause i had faith that it would look cute. i legit picked out 5 pairs of jeans to try out and i only tried on one bc as soon as i put them on i knew they were the perfect ones. i got them in my normal size HOWEVER ya girl has lost weight since being diagnosed with pcos so they were so comfortable to wear. idk if they were intended to be high waisted but they were on me and it was PERFECT and it was FATE and i felt so cute in it?? and confident?? and best of al i was CONFIDENT. on the tag it said it was $22 and i was like /: because i’m broke but it could be a good investment and i liked them. then when i bought them they came up for $15 and i was like!! bitch YES. then i proceeded to get dressed in the nearest rest room and i fixed my hair and makeup there too and i felt hot!! 

so i sat down for a bit just chilling with the free wifi before i left to catch the bus to the golf club that they were holding the interview at. i had to go to the atm to withdraw money so i could pay the fare for the way back AND GET THIS. these ladies went before me and the last one before me was taking forever and i’m standing there impatiently getting made like hUrry up fuck i had 20 mins until my bus but i haven’t ever caught any of the buses here so i wanted to be early. anyway she hurried tf up and left so i got my money out then headed the bus. i waited for 10 mins before it came and i was like thank god. there was no one on te bus except another guy, one lady and the bus driver. the lady and i sat on the first seats at the front of the bus. she worked w/ the bus driver and gave me mentos to eat without saying anything and when i asked her to tell me when my street came up, she did and the bus driver dropped me off at the top of the street where i needed to be anyway. 

SO i sat at the front of the golf club after walkin up this small hill and i had like 45 mins before the interview so i called my mum to calm my nerves. at 12pm i went in to the reception and they pointed me in the direction of where the interview was. it was in a room that had chairs in a circle and i was ready to go and sit dowN but the ppl interviewing me and everyone else were like “hey we saw you earlier !!” aND BITCH THEY WERE THE CHICKS THAT WERE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE ATM AND ONE OF THEM WAS THE ONE I WAS PISSY AT FOR TAKING SO LONG I WANTED TO DIE especially cause i was finna sit down and they were like hun go outside with everyone else we aren’t ready. i went outside where there were 3 other girls and i was so so good w/ my social anxiety and i said hi to them all first and sat with them too. i met sam, melissa and emily (i think that was her name) and they were all v nice. we had some laughs but it was awkward whenever we got quiet bc we were all nervous. 

ANYWAY THIS IS ALREADY V LONG BUT IT WAS A GREAT GROUP INTERVIEW. THE FIRST THING WE DID WAS THEY PUT ON MUSIC AND HAD TO DO THE NUT BUSH AND CHICKEN DANCE TO CALM OUR NERVES. I SAT DOWN ON THE SIDE SAM AND EVERYONE WAS ON AND WE WERE THE MOST CONFIDENT OUT OF EVERYONE CAUSE EVERYONE WAS V QUIET BUT WE WERE HAVING FUN AND JOKING WITH THE INTERVIEWERS. 

WE DID AN ACTIVITY WHERE WE HAD TO TALK TO THE PERSON BESIDE US AND GET TO KNOW THEM AND I GOT SAM. WE WERE ASKED WHAT CELEB WE WOULD BE AND WE BOTH SAID ARIANA GRANDE !!! BITCH !!! AND THEN WE WERE TALKING ABOUT TV SHOWS AND WE WOULD BOTH DIE FOR VERONICA LODGE & LOVED 13 REASONS WHY !!! AND WE WERE LIKE,, FUCK ??? IT WAS ANOTHER FATE MOMENT !! 

anyway we had to “sell” something we were wearing to the interview ppl infront of everyone and i did mine and the interview chicks said something like “she reminds me of sam(?)” and i was like is that good or bad but i didn’t mind i felt great !! one of the girls interviewing us all was the store manager and i was getting on w/ her and joking n it was so fun !!! THEN WHEN IT WAS OVER I WANTED TO ASK SAM IF SHE WANTED TO EXCHANGE NUMBERS BC I HAD SO MUCH FUN BUT I DIDN’T KNOW HOW BUT SHE WANTED TO WALK WITH ME OUT TO THE CAR PARK AND WE WERE TALKING AND I MENTIONED I NEEDED TO CATCH THE BUS BACK OR SOMETHING AND THIS BITCH OFFERED TO DRIVE ME HOME !! I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HER BUT I LIKED HER SO MUCH AND WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HER AND WE GOT ON SO WELL SO IF SHE WAS GONNA KILL ME I DIDN’T CARE!! 

then on the drive back (which was a half hour drive) we just chatted non stop. there was no awkward moments we just went on and on. like we had a deep talk about the interview, then about depression and mental illnesses (which we both suffer/ed from) and then about society and what happened in manchester and about ariana grande and guys.. i have never met anyone up here who was like me. WE AGREED ON EVERYTHING !!! WE HAVE BOTH BEEN THROUGH SHIT !!! SHE WAS SO WOKE AND NOT RACIST UNLIKE EVERYONE ELSE UP HERE !!! BITCH I WAS SO ??? i was so honest with her and she was honest with me and it was so comfortable. like i just met her but i had such a deep conversation i have never had with anyone when meeting them ??? then when she dropped me off at home and she offered to meet my mum so she did and we all had a good chat which was fun and she was so nice?? AND THEN I GOT HER NUMBER AND SHE LEFT AND WE HAVE BEEN TEXTING SINCE AND I HAVE HER AS A FRIEND ON FACEBOOK AND SHES SO AMAZING LIKE YALL !!! I MADE A FRIEND?!??! FUCK !! i felt so good about the interview like i don’t regret anything that happened or anything i said like i usually do and i just have felt so happy since and i made a friend yall. a REAl life friend !!