#when you’re agnostic but still pray when you’re scared

[loveakii]

“I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of Him.”

— Gabriel García Márquez

[sophygurl]

Blessed Solstice and Happy start of Yule to all who celebrate either one. 

Most of this post hinges on my living in the northern hemisphere, so for you southern hemisphere folks - uh, save it and read it in six months?? Time and space are weird.

Anyway, I love how so many cultures, countries, religions, and practices there are at this year with similar themes and rituals. It's such a human thing for us all to need certain stories and narratives and ways of relating to one another and just all independently coming up similar stuff but with different specific meanings and mythologies attached. 

As a mystic agnostic who was raised a liberal Christian and has adopted various earth-centered traditions into my mishmash of spirituality, I acknowledge and celebrate a few different traditions this time of year. I won't speak to the holidays and festivals that don't relate to me, except to occasionally and briefly note some of the thematic and ritual similarities.

But when it comes to advent/Christmas (including both the spiritual and more commercial aspects of Christmas), and solstice/Yule, and even a bit of New Year's, there is so much common ground along themes of:

* waiting: waiting for something magical, waiting for a miracle (I hear you Mirabel), waiting for new life, waiting for the thing that will spark hope during a hopeless time, waiting for the right time to overcome oppression, waiting for the light to return, waiting for the sun to return, waiting for the warmth to return, waiting for the opportunity to make things better, for a fresh start, waiting in watching wonderment as the earth (or the sun) seems to stand still and knowing and hoping and praying that it will continue the journey, kids waiting for Santa, advent calendars, advent wreathe candles, counting down the days until the holiday, counting down the hours and minutes and seconds until the new year

* sharing: sharing what light we have with one another, sharing our warmth, sharing with our loved ones and our communities, sharing with the stranger - the traveler from out of town or the neighbor who needs our help, sharing our love and our gifts (whether you're rich enough to share sacred oils or talented enough to share your music or kind enough to share a smile - it all counts), sharing food to keep us healthy and warmed, sharing shelter as we gather with loved ones or house the refugees in our midst, sharing greetings via ritualized words in passing or cards in the mail, sharing our magic and our hope and our love

* the possible: the magic, the miracle, the wonder - all of the things that seem impossible suddenly feeling possible, whether it's a jolly elf who brings toys to the world's children or the child of a divine being coming to live amongst us to teach us how to love one another better or the fact of communities gathering to chant back the sun together or noticing how nature always provides even during the loneliest times by showing us how to rest in dormancy or fallowness or hibernation or just by sharing resources or tucking away extra nourishment to get us through, maybe it's the oil in the lamp lasting longer than expected or the miracle of humans remembering to share their light with others, maybe it's three men following a star to greet the baby they know will create great change on the earth or maybe it's three ghosts coming to scare a miserly capitalist into sharing his wealth, whatever it is - it feels more possible this time of year

* light, light light light, the light of the world, the light of life, the yule log, the advent candles, the menorah, the returning of the sun, the Diwali lights, the new year's fireworks, the burning of the Galve goat, fireplaces, candles, Christmas lights, candlelight Christmas Eve services, sharing our light, bringing back the light, resting - just for now - in the dark

These are by no means all of the associations between these different holidays and holy days at this time of year, but it's enough to give me food for thought.

I love the sense of magic that comes this time of year, the sense that anything and everything can change for the better, that pregnant sense of waiting and wondering what will come, the cozy feeling involved in sharing what we have with others so that all may feel warm when it's cold and all may have light when it's dark and all may have nourishment when the harvest is over and less food is available for the taking. 

Winter is hard for me. It's hard on my chronic pain, it's hard on my depression and trauma, it's just a slog to get through - especially up here in Wisconsin. I don't like the cold. I don't like the sun spending less time with us. I don't like the extra isolation that these bring. And I don't like settling down with the peace of my own mind and facing the difficulties in my own spirit and in the world at large.

I often overly focus to the point of obsession on the aspects about bringing back the light and sharing with others. It makes me feel less lonely, it makes the cold feel a little cozier and the quiet less oppressive.

But I've been trying, this year, to focus more on the other side of things, too. On finding quiet moments to appreciate the dormancy of spirit that comes naturally at this time of year. 

On remembering that many good things come from the waiting, as much as from the arrival; from the resting, as much as from the activity; from the solitude as much as from the company of others. From the balance of all things, even access to the sun - that majestic giver of life. 

To be more like the evergreen tree that is hardy enough to thrive in the snow, and whose greenery we intentionally bring inside at this time of year to remind us that we, too, can survive the long lonely nights of winter. 

Blessed Solstice, and happy all-the-holidays, friends and family.

[lumini-317]

Hello!

This will be my official “introductory” post!

My real name is Erica, but I go by many names. My nickname repertoire includes but is not limited to: Lumi, Lumini, Cricket (I have a habit of rubbing my feet together, lmao), Jinx, Eri, Er, EriJoy, Sunbaeby, and Aceir (my real name but in alphabetical order).

This is my first ever Tumblr blog. I’ve had it for a while but have rarely posted anything, that along with the fact that I’m on mobile is kind of a mess so I apologize for mistakes and all that.

I have 3 older brothers, an older sister, and a younger brother.

I’m an ambivert. Sometimes I love hanging out with bigger groups of people, other times I dread it.

I’ve taken the “16personalities” test 4 times and all 4 put me in the “Diplomat” category, however I got “Advocate” (INFJ) 2 times, and “Protagonist” (ENFJ) and “Mediator” (INFP) 1 time each.

I am LGBTQ+. I’m asexual, aro+panromantic flux, and while I feel like I’m genderfluid, the changes are very subtle and so I sometimes just go with agender, gendervoid, or neutrois. It’s a lot less complicated that way. I’m ambiamorous, and also pronoun apathetic!

I love whump. I’ve loved it for as long as I can remember but only found the whump community maybe 3(?) years ago.

I also love K-Pop, C-Pop, J-Pop, and Asian dramas, mainly K-Pop and K-Dramas, though.

I’m a HUGE multistan. ATEEZ, SKZ, TBZ, EXO, BTS, Red Velvet, SHINee, iKON, MONSTA X, TWICE, TO1, WANNA ONE, SuperM, X1, MIRAE, Ciipher, Golden Child, Purple Kiss, BAE173, SF9, IU, ONEUS, ONEWE, The Rose, PIXY, LUCY, STAYC, WEi (which I pronounced as “way” for an embarrassingly long time), Dreamcatcher, Brave Girls, TXT, ENHYPEN, SNSD, KARD, AKMU, SHAUN, Gaho, NCT, GHOST9, 1team, SE7EN, Cross Gene, D1ce, AB6IX, CRAVITY, BLACKPINK, CIX, VIXX, f(x), 4Minute, CLC, YEZI, B.I, Wonho, (G)I-DLE, EVERGLOW, SEVENTEEN, BROOKLYN, Ha Hyunsang, DAY6, GOT7, Teen Top, BAP, TREASURE, UNIQ, etc! It goes on, far longer than I can list. I am also very much against fanwars, they disgust me.

I’m also a HUGE animal lover, and a big softie. I can’t even squish insects. I don’t care that they can’t feel pain and don’t experience emotions, I just can’t bring myself to. I make it my mission to save any type of animal I come across. I find toads in our koi pond and immediately pick them out and take them to a safe place. I help turtles across the road. I got a mouse out of a puddle and revived it, releasing it when it was healthy enough. I saw a snail on a piece of wood that was going to be thrown on a fire and carefully pulled it off and put it somewhere else. So far I’ve found 5 stray cats (Piper, Toothless, Felix, Kai, and Kit Kat—all were found as skinny, sickly kittens) and took them in, raising them as my own. I rescued a chipmunk from certain death-by-cat. I’ve even saved a few baby raccoons, ducklings, lizards, spiders, and snakes in my time. And I’ll keep doing so for as long as I live.

I love writing, drawing/sketching, and painting, however I’m not confident that I’m good at any of those things, lmao. I mean, I don’t think I’m the worst, but my finished “works” often leave me unsatisfied with my “skills”. But of course, that won’t stop me from trying to improve!

I’m a maladaptive daydreamer. This can cause issues in some places while helping me out in others. On one hand, it makes doing chores and such kind of difficult. Like one time I had to take care of my dad’s pigeons while he was fixing our shed and one time he pointed out how slow I was with the chores. His words were something along the lines of, “I’m already almost done with what I have to do and you’re still working with the pigeons.” Also, it (and maybe ADHD if I do have it?) made school a nightmare for me. But it’s also helpful because then during church it’s really easy to keep myself occupied while the pastors go on about their Magical Sky Daddy™’s son throwing a tantrum and killing a figtree because it didn’t have any figs and how that story should “challenge” us or something.

The characters in my daydreams are weird, though. They merge and separate with each other to make different characters depending on the situation. Most of them don’t have definite genders. Only a handful of them have names because they’re always merging and separating like some kind of Shadow Clone Masters or something. Stuff like that.

One of my characters is for sure a demi-boy, though, and his name is Kyler.

I brought this up because I was watching The Andy Griffith Show and Andy was giving Opie a lecture on how many poor kids there are in the world and used the ratio “one and a half boys per square mile”. Opie then says that he’s “never seen a half a boy before”. Kyler just sort of pops into (fake) existence, jumps off the couch, and throws his arms in the air while saying, “Half a boy, right here!” I burst out laughing. Thankfully it didn’t seem weird, since my parents started laughing at Opie and thought that I was just laughing at it, too.

Any-who.

If I daydream while I’m standing, I’ll often pace and gesture with my arms while moving my lips. Sometimes I’ll even whisper. If I’m sitting down, I usually fidget a lot (such as pick at my shirt and rub my feet together), stare into space, and move my lips or whisper. My family sometimes ask me, “Why are you whispering?” Or, “What are you grinning about?” And I just shrug because I don’t know how to explain it to them without risking them calling someone to pray over me, lmao. I mean, I wasn’t even allowed to have imaginary friends because that was “evil”. When I was about 7, I told my parents about my imaginary unicorn friend and they gave me a lecture and “prayed over me”. It was embarrassing and awkward for me.

I’m suspicious that I might have ADHD, but don’t have the money to actually get a professional diagnosis. I’m also too scared to ask my parents about it.

Speaking of which, my family and I don’t see eye-to-eye. I mean, they don’t know it because I’m good at hiding it, and they think I agree with mostly everything they do but boy, is it a mess.

You see, they’re evangelical conservative Christians. “LGBTQ+ people are going to hell”, “ThE LeFt ARe eViL AnD ARe TrYiNg To BrAiNwAsh OuR ChiLdrEn”, “Trump was sent by God”, “Intersex is fake”, “Women must submit to men”, “You should get married no later than in a year or ‘the temptation’ to have sex might become too much”, the whole bit.

Meanwhile I’m over here with my (imaginary) pride flags, just existing as an agnostic leftist who wants everyone to have equal rights, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation, and would rather redo my horrifically atrocious kindergarten closing program role than pray to a god who (if they/he/she/it/whatever exists) gives cancer to kids and killed millions of innocent animals and people in the Bible.

But they have no idea that this is how I feel and now expect me to be baptized within the next month to show that I have “accepted Jesus Christ as my savior”. Yeah...that’s gonna be an awkward discussion...

Anyway, that’s just some things about me. Sorry that I got sidetracked a few times, lmao!

I look forward to posting more and maybe even making friends!

Thank you for reading (:

[occasionalrpmemes]

Will Wood: the Normal Album Sentence Starters

lines taken from the 2020 album.  edit as desired.  tw: violence, disordered eating, gender dysphoria, mental illness, substance abuse, suicidal ideation, death

01.  Suburbia Overture: Greetings from Mary Bell Township! / (Vampire) Culture / Love Me, Normally

“Trick or treat.  Merry Christmas.”

“Howdy neighbor!”

“Thank you Jesus!”

“It don’t look like survival, but buy now or die.”

“You’re not alone.”

“The lights are on, but no one’s home.”

“Takes a village to fake a whole culture.”

“Home is where the heart is- You ain’t homeless, but you’re heartless.”

“It’s the safest on the market.”

“You still gotta watch where you park it.”

“Give me your half-life crisis.”

“I can tell that you know where paradise is.”

“Parasites don’t care what your blood type is.”

“A snowflake only matters in a blizzard.”

“Everyone knows that nobody knows that.”

“Well, word gets around on hit number stations.”

“Smile and wave, boys, kiss the cook, live laugh and love, please pass the pills.”

“It’s only culture.  It’s only culture.  It’s only culture.”

“Didn’t they want your blood?”

“Why apologize when you turn blue and cold?

“Hey, fuck your culture.”

“Do you know the difference between blazing trails and slash-and-burn?”

“Hey, you’re only mortal.”

02.  2econd 2ight 2eer (well, that was fun, goodbye)

“The devil made me do it, but I also kinda wanted to.”

“Forget bored stiff, I got rigor mortis.”

“My third eye’s open and I like what I see.”

“If you knew what I knew, if you saw what I see- ”

“But I got facts and I’m not afraid to use ‘em.”

“I’m getting better one forever at a time.”

“If sick is defined by what’s different, well then pull the plug out and let me die.”

”Who I am, I choose through all the things I do.”

“If it rhymes, it’s true, but I hate poetry.”

“Well that was fun, goodbye.”

03.  Laplace’s Angel (Hurt People?  Hurt People!)

“Have you ever died in a nightmare?  Woke up surprised you hadn’t earned your fate?”

“Have you ever felt like Atlas, threw your back out on the axis, and collapsed and threw the planet away?”

“Nobody dies agnostic.”

“Nobody dies agnostic, but we still dial 9-1-1.”

“Am I really that bad?”

“Whatever you think of me, if you were in my shoes, you’d walk the same damn miles I do.”

“With my head up in the clouds, I can see so much ground.”

“From up here, you look like ants in a row.”

“It doesn’t take a killer to murder.  It only takes the reason to kill.”

“The difference twixt fate and free will is whether you’re singing.”

“You wash your hands of where you’ve been until you flood the second floor.  Neatly fold your skeletons, but still can’t shut the closet door.”

“The only ones in need of love are those who don’t receive enough.”

“You could break an angel’s fall, and ignore the Devil’s call.”

“It’s a small hell after all.”

“Man, no more than animal, is made of moral chemicals.”

“If you were in my shoes, you’d see I wear the same size as you.”

04.  I / Me / Myself

“I’ve been feeling lightheaded since I lost enough weight to fit back in my skin.”

“Am I pretty now?”

“For some reason, I find myself lost in what you think of me.”

“I wish I could be a girl, and that way you’d wish I could be your girlfriend, boyfriend.”

“Am I pretty enough to lie to?”

“Just little old me in a big, big world.”

“I’ve been feeling lighthearted since I gained enough weight back to cover my bones.”

“You’ll be walking out early, but the show must go on.”

“No, I know that I’m wrong.  But I love how you’re on my side when I cross that line.”

“It’s been a point of contention between myself and this body that they stuck me in.”

“The privilege of being born to be a man.”

”I am quantum physics; my witness brings me into existence.”

”Am I pretty enough to love back?”

“Am I pretty enough to fucking die?”

“I wish-”

“Don’t you think that there’s a chance that you could live without it?”

05.  ...well, better than the alternative

“My daughter’s growing up.  She’s gonna be a lot like me, but I don’t wanna be at all like me.”

“I don’t wanna be at all like me.”

“You’re telling me I’m holding up eleven fingers.”

“Stranger things than death can happen.”

“Everybody knows that nobody knows that.”

“Everybody’s in on everybody’s business.”

“This isn’t my first Christmas, I know mistletoe when I see it.”

“Baby, could you play along with me?”

“Baby, would that be alright with you?”

“When we find out what’s wrong with me, could you tell me how I’m right for you?”

“Could you tell me how I’m right for you?”

“Could you tell me if I’m still pretty?”

“If they could see the future back when times were simple...”

“If everyone’s sick, well then, nobody can catch it.”

“Everybody’s all up in my god damn business.”

“This isn’t my first kiss.”

“It’s better to be lost than loved, now, isn’t it?”

“Everybody’s all up in my motherfucking business!”

“This isn’t my first anything.”

“After all of that’s been done to me, could you tell me how, could you tell me how, could you tell me—”

“What’s so wrong about what’s wrong with me?”

“I’m just trying to do what’s right by you!”

06.  Outliars and Hyppocrates: a fun fact about apples

“Did you know that the hole in the apple didn’t come from the outside in?  It was eaten from the core and out to the skin, and that’s why you’ll never find the worm in it.”

“The disease is defined by its treatment.”

“You people make me sick.”

“Who’d want to be human anyway?”

“Why’d you come into this world or come out that way?”

“Isn’t it funny?  Well, not "ha-ha" funny, but y’know, funny.”

“I doubt that you would even if you could change.”

“You think it makes you special, but it makes you strange.”

“The things that make you special are the things that make you strange.”

“I am the shadows cast aside by gallows, and you the red-hot sky.”

“And if you’re believers, then why would you grieve for the dead, instead of a devil that you never prayed for?”

“Too weird to love, too scared to die.  Too alien to take you home.”

“Who’d want to belong to anyone?”

“I mean, what do people even do?”

“If you love me, let me let you go.”

“Five more minutes, please?  You wouldn’t believe the dream I just had.”

07.  Black Box Warrior - OKULTRA

“Bless the torpedoes!”

“For what?  For what??”

“For what it’s worth, if it was going to kill you, boy, it would have by now.”

“There’s no more looking back, it’s looking up or looking down.”

“Wonder if Christ-Consciousness would charge a cancellation fee.”

“Auf wiedersehn!  Au revoir!”

“Hello, welcome.  Why don’t you take a seat?  Get comfortable, relax, take a second if you need to.”

“Now, what’s bothering you?”

“Well, why don’t we start at the beginning?”

“Growing up, how was your relationship with the fundamentals of conscious existence?”

“Did you die before your day?”

“You got a better idea?  It’s about the best we could come up with.”

“What, you think ideas spread because they’re good?  No, they spread because people like them.”

“So here we are once again.  Holding, as it were, a mirror up to your mirror.”

“I guess it’s just something people do!”

“You learn to be an animal instead.”

“I never did think you better than this.”

“It’s you who are the problem.  Not the things you do, but something sick inside.”

“Boy, you really is defective.”

“Offer up your innocence, please ignore the side effects.”

“You’ve lost your mind and almost lost your life before, so you’ll be fine!”

“Why would you want to look back?  I mean, it’s no good looking back. So try to look forward now.”

“For what it’s worth, if they were gonna get you boy, they would have by now.”

08.  Marsha, Thankk You for the Dialectics, but I Need You to Leave.

“They could prescribe you any illness you’d like if you define the terms of your ailments.”

“A crow don’t know the smell of carbon monoxide.”

“How many years have you been on that couch?”

“Your draw a line in the sand where it ends and you begin, but the tide rolls in, so who knows?”

“A little identity never hurt nobody, but lately you’ve been focusing too much on yourself.”

“How many milligrams of you are still left in there?”

“Back in my day, we didn’t need no feel-good pills and no psychiatrists.  We just drank ourselves to death.  And god damn it, we liked it!”

“What’s a symptom, what’s a flaw, can it be both?”

“Well, I suppose that’s an answer.”

“Would you give up your humanity for just a touch of sanity?”

“They’ve discovered a cure for the symptoms of being alive.  It’s a painless procedure with a low rate of failure, but very few patients survive.”

“And a little conformity never hurt nobody, but lately I’ve been worried that you’re losing yourself.”

“What’s my prognosis?”

“Disease is in the eye of the beholder.”

“Tell me ‘so it goes.’”

“Better safe than sorry, and we both know the danger.”

“So doctor, could you run another test?”

“If our harmonies don’t sync, we can change our voices.”

“Don’t heed no evil wills of moral nihilists.”

“Don’t you make me waste my breath.”

“GOD DAMN IT!”

“Does aspirin kill you with the pain?“

“You’re not your thoughts, you’re not your brain, you’re just the character you’ve made.”

“What seem like separate body parts come together to believe they’re you, and not just chemistry.”

“It’s not the way that you were raised, or what the advertisements say.”

“It’s not what you pay for, what you pray for, what you want, or what you say.”

“Something tells me that you need, forgive me now if I misspeak--”

“Something tells me you prefer to be sitting there flipping through those old issues of People.”

“Well, that’s our time.  See you next week.”

09.  Love, Me Normally

“In lipstick on the mirror are the lyrics to my obituary.”

“Crossing my eyes, dot my T’s.”

“I was delivered holding scissors.”

“I live deliberately, I’m a quitter.”

“I never agreed to participate in this game.”

“Won’t follow my dreams, cause they all got me waking up screaming.”

“I’d rather be normal.  Yes, so normal.”

“I suggest that we keep this informal.”

“A normal human being wouldn’t need to pretend to be normal.”

“Well, I guess that’s the least that I owe ya.”

“C’mon, c’mon, and love me normally.”

“If I could live in third person, well, I don’t think life would be much worse than it is.”

“Is it courageous or escapist to leave the quarantine when you’re contagious?”

“It may just be a cold.  And besides, I don’t wanna get old.”

“I drank myself to death to be the afterlife of the party.”

“When the afterparty came, I was rolling in my grave.”

“Now, this is the part of the song where I talk to my audience.”

“There’s something I want from you hepcats tonight.”

“I want you to look to your left.  Look to your right.  Your twelve o’clock, three o’clock, six o’clock, nine o’clock, rock around the clock tonight–”

“I want you to find those points of no return, those singularities, those burning rings of fire in the beautiful pupils and the beautiful eyes of the beautiful boy, girl, neither, both, or in-between that you brought with you tonight.  And I want you to tell ’em how you really feel!”

“Jam that square peg in the round hole in their hearts!”

“You love them exactly the way that everybody else is.”

“I was nothing before, so I couldn’t have asked to be born.  I’ll be nothing again, so what am I between now and then?”

“Is there nothing to fear?  Cause shit’s getting weird.”

“So to God who made this man: you better have one hell of a plan.”

10.  Memento Mori: the most important thing

“If you’re lucky you’ll be surrounded by the ones that you love, when the lights in your eyes fade and life flashes by.

“One day you’re going to die.”

“Heaven, hell, nirvana, nothing, no one knows how it ends.”

“Rest in peace— or pieces.”

“Read your horoscopes, your palms and tarot cards.  But either way your destination ain’t very far.”

“You could drown, or choke, or burn, or be hit by a car.”

“What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but something will eventually.”

“One day you’ll look back at the life that you lead.  No more future left to fear that you’ll have the past to regret.”

“But your worries will be over if you truly realize— one day you’re going to die!”

“Take it away, hands!”

“In the fabric of time and in the vastness of space, a billion amounts to nothing in infinity’s face.”

“Your life never mattered, so who cares if it's a waste?”

“Well, one day you’ll be not even a faint memory.”

“You’ll never know what it all means.”

“Just keep this in mind: that everything and everyone goes with the passage of time.”

“No need to fear, ’cause when it’s here, you won’t be alive.”

“Try not to think about it!”

“So if you only have one chance, you oughta try your best to live as you like.”

[looking-for-wisdom]

Catholic Guilt

When your mom and dad marry they decide to raise you and your siblings Catholic. Your dad is agnostic but he knows this is important to her, so he agrees to help how he can. They have three girls. Mass is attended every Sunday and you go to bible school each week. They’ve done everything right.

You fight with your siblings often during services when you’re young. An hour feels like a very long time to be still and the whole ceremony is so dull. Of course, you know it means something, but you’re r a child. When your older you see the younger you in each child misbehaving during prayers. But despite the boredom it all feels a bit like magic to you. Your faith just feels like a part of breathing. Youve never known life without it. It’s easy. It’s natural.

Being Catholic, there are all sorts of classes to attend and sacraments to receive. Your mother ensures you attend. She even makes you the little white dress you wear to your first communion. Some classes are more fun than others, but you like answering teachers questions and asking queries that stump them. Sometimes they say odd things, but it doesn’t bother you too much. You asked about a friend once, who wasn’t religious, questioning where she’d go after all this. Your teacher struggled to explain only Christians can go to heaven, but she hasn’t met your friend. Your friend is good and will obviously go to heaven too. It’s ok, teachers make mistakes sometimes. Nothing to fret about.

You get older. It starts with a disconnect. You don’t fee quite as in touch as you did as a child, but you assume this is normal. You still have so much time, and many people don’t truely understand their faith until later. You just have to wait for the moment where everything clicks. You’re patient and you don’t mind biding your time. During that time you keep going to classes and summer camps, and every time you arrive you think this will be the day you understand. The epiphanies fade, though, not long after. It’s difficult, but you can’t give up.

You don’t know what to call it until many years later, but your anxiety first starts manifesting around the age of twelve. Religion class gets harder. You don’t know anyone there and they all seem to get it on a level you just... don’t. You still go to church every week with your family. Your beginning to understand what the priests say better now and some of it... is odd. It’s hard to keep track of all the lessons and you’re worried you won’t be able to keep up with it all. If you forget one you risk salvation and that’s a fear you really don’t know how to cope with. You don’t always agree, either. Your father may support your mothers faith but you still a lot of him in you. He teaches you morals and you can’t help but feel the church teaches some things that just feel wrong— like your teacher all those years ago who said your kind friend would not go to heaven. Surely that’s not God’s plan, but then again, the priests don’t make mistakes, do they?

The disconnect grows. You have a lot of rough weeks. Months. Years. You still don’t have a name for the stuff going on in your head but you cry often and pray for a sign that life isn’t just going to be decades of hating yourself so devoutly. It feels like a punishment and you’re not sure what you did wrong. You’re mad, and you feel incredibly guilty about it but maybe God doesn’t love you. Maybe this is all on purpose. The question sprouts: whats wrong with you? It has yet to go away.

You prepare for confirmation around the same time. There’s a lot of work to go along with it and really you can’t seem to bring yourself to do it when you feel so alone. The woman who teaches your confirmation lessons enrages you. She’s so cruel, so arrogant, so condemning. You have enough fears and you don’t need her adding to the pile, but she does anyway. Your mother is sympathetic but there’s nothing to be done. You have to be confirmed. This is the only option. On the final test you get frustrated and write angry notes to her in the answer blanks. She wasn’t happy, but you didn’t see her again, so no harm done.

Your confirmed now. You expect things to change. They don’t.

The 2016 election rolls around and things get bad. Your understanding of the world is expanding and you find that your beliefs don’t always line up with what your church preaches. You believe abortion is more complicated than they present it and that people should love who they like. They tell you to vote red in the name of God, but that doesn’t feel like God to you. And your mother... sometimes you find her crying over things they say. She’s like you— she was raised on this faith but it doesn’t come easy. You can’t comfort her, you can’t even comfort yourself. You can’t help but feel like God wouldn’t make your mother sob this way.

Freshman year you come to terms with it. You aren’t straight. It’s not easy, to this day your mother doesn’t know. She doesn’t condem it but she often says she doesn’t have to like it either. If she knew she was saying she didn’t have to like you she would reconsider. You know she would, and yet you don’t want to risk it. Not over something you can hide. You can’t change who you are but the faith that no longer comes as easy as it once did feels almost like a trap now.

You switch churches not long after. Your mom hopes it will make things better. You, to put it simply, are just... scared.

Catholic family. Mom, sister, you, sister. Dad tags along and Yknow, 4/5 isn’t a bad score. Except, when your older sister comes home from college she’s found that it’s better for her health to stay away. You wish you could join her. Mom, you, sister and dad tags along. Dad isn’t home all the time though, and now that the oldest is out he sometimes decides to keep her company at home instead of going to mass. You wish you could join them. Mom, you, sister. Your younger sister has Down’s syndrome and it’s hard on mom trying to explain the faith. She just doesn’t get it. Sometimes she stays home because mom is too tired to handle her on her own. Mom, you. Mom’s got one shot left. She’ll be devastated if you fall away too, and you can’t do that to her. You want to say it hurts you but she expects you to be the one to stay with the faith she gave to you. You learn to be the strong one. Don’t complain, keep mom happy, and never let them know how hard it is on you. You know it’s for the best but you hate it sometimes.

She tells you she’s failed sometimes, in raising her kids good Catholic girls. To you it just sounds like there’s something wrong with you, but haven’t you known that for... a long time? Every other kid seemed to have a connection that you don’t.

You think to turn to your friends who aren’t religious for solace, but they judge you, call you a hypocrite for claiming to have faith when the Bible says all these things you don’t obey. If only they knew that’s what has been killing you slowly since the day you were born. They want you to give it up, stop preaching your religion at them. It’s not your intent to make them feel as if you are forcing it on them so you learn not to talk about those things at school.

A war goes on in your mind. You can’t have both your faith and your beliefs— you can’t move past your trauma while still stepping in the place that caused it. But not doing both isn’t an option.

You pick up the phone to the God you can’t help but love despite it all, and you can’t hear the answer. Everyone says to just keep ringing, youre just not listening hard enough. Everyone says to just hang up, as if this telephone line that’s been with you since birth can go away just like that. Everyone has some magic fix-it answer. No one wants to say it’s alright. Faith is difficult, and trying your best is enough sometimes. No one wants to hug you when you’re alone and confused because you can’t turn to anyone.

They don’t want to listen to what you have to say, so you learn to take this on by yourself, never quite a Catholic, but never not one either.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you feel bored with your life? I do feel that way, some days more so than others. Like some days even the few things I like to do, like Tumblr and surveys, just don’t cut it.  Who’s someone you miss that you haven’t talked to in years? Ty. Do you miss anyone who was mean to you in the past? No. How do you feel right now? Tired. Do you have severe withdrawals from medications? I imagine I would if I had to stop taking my pain medication. 

What’s the most weight you’ve ever gained from a medication? I’ve never had weight gain from a medication. Do you have a doctor you can trust? I just answered this in the previous survey. Wth is going with these surveys, man. So many will have the same questions, and not just the basic ones that like all surveys have, but ones that should be more random like this.  What’s the stupidest decision you ever made? Oh where to start. The health related ones definitely top the cake. There were things I could have and should have done, but didn’t for some stupid reason. I should have taken better care of myself.  What’s the best thing that ever happened to you? When my younger brother was born (cue the “awwwwww”). I was 9 and may not have been psyched about having a brother at first (sorry!), but he’s the best little bro ever. Turned out so much better than me. He should be the older one, honestly. I look up to him. And also of course all the doggos I’ve been fortunate to have in my life. How old were you the first time you encountered God? When I was a young kid, but I didn’t really understand it and then I got to be older and went through many years of being atheist and agnostic. I was led back to Him when Ty came back into my life in late 2015. Have you ever been filled with the Holy Spirit? I believe so. Have you ever had an encounter with the supernatural? No. How many tattoos do you have, and what are they of? I don’t have any. How do you get through hard times? * I dont rlly do anything all that different. Like, my overall routines dont rlly change, I still do mostly the same stuff on a day-to-day basis. I do try to find more comforting and distracting things to do, tho, and I try to be extra kind and patient toward myself when Im struggling or when life puts some bit of unwanted chaos in my path, ahah <<< Same for the first part about not doing anything different in regards to what I do and my overall routines staying the same, but also trying to distract myself more. I’ve been going through a really hard time for a long time, but here we are. That being said, I’m not doing anything to try and better it, and that’s where my issue is.  What’s the most physically painful thing you’ve ever experienced? The pain after surgical procedures.  What’s the worst level of emotional pain you’ve ever experienced? Losing loved ones and my depression, particularly these past few years. Have you ever been suicidal? Not actively. I can’t say I’ve never thought about it, but I’ve never seriously planned anything or tried anything. I’m too scared and I don’t want to hurt my loved ones. And truthfully, I don’t really want to die. I just want to start living. I want to not feel this way anymore and not have this battle with my mind and feeling as sad and miserable and crappy as I do. I want to live a live I’m passionate about and actually do something. Do you pray? If yes, to whom? Yes, to God. Do you ever feel lost and alone? “If you’re lost and alone, and sinking like a stone, carry onnnnn.” What do you miss about high school? I mean, I wouldn’t wanna go back, but there were some good parts. It had its ups and downs.  What do you miss the most about college? I’ve answered this recently. Did you like high school? Like I said, it had its ups and downs. What was the name of the first dorm you lived in? I never lived in a dorm. What was the last thing that made you angry? Blah. Have you ever been the victim of a crime? Yes. I’m a victim of a drive-by shooting. Is your life worse than you could have ever have imagined it to be? I mean, I didn’t imagine my life being how its been these past few years... …or is it better, or just what you expected? No. Are you married? No. Are you hurting in any way right now? Yes. Are you currently missing someone? There’s a few people I’ll always miss. What are you wearing? Black leggings and a gray Nirvana shirt. What was the last flavor of tea you drank? Peppermint.  Do you feel like youtube’s gotten boring lately? No. What would you change about your hair if you could? I just need to get it dyed and trimmed. Are you jealous of anyone? No. Do you have a secret? Maybe. If you could tell anyone a secret right now, who would it be? No one. Do you miss someone that you blew it with? Yes. I’ll always regret how things went with Ty.  Is there a guy (or girl) you wish you hadn’t screwed things up with? Yeah, Ty. What was the best date you’ve ever been on? Coffee shop and bookstore dates with Ty. What’s the last great song you discovered? Hmm. Do you prefer color or black and white? I like both, just depends. Do you own a thermometer? Yeah. Has facebook gotten boring lately? Yeah it kinda is.  Do you feel free to post how you feel on facebook? I don’t really post anything on there anymore, especially not anything personal or about my opinions on big topics.  Which stereotype do you fit the most? Don’t know, don’t care. What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Burger King, Taco Bell, Chick-Fil-A, McDonalds, and Jack in the Box. I haven’t been into fast food; though, the past couple months, which is very odd for me.  What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? For my birthday we took a gondola ride up 9000ft and got the most beautiful view of the mountains, lake, and city. It was incredible.  What is one place you have always wanted to visit? Hawaii. What was your favorite vacation you went on as a child? Disneyland. Who were your favorite celebrities as a child? I was the 12/13/14 year old with tons of posters all over my wall from magazines.  What was the first CD you bought? I think the 1st one I bought myself was Ashlee Simpson’s CD, Autobiography. ha.  How old are you? 30. What year were you born? 1989. Did you go to prom? Yes. Are you jealous of people who are ten years younger? I’m kind of envious in some ways. For one, they’re 20 years old aka babies and not old like me haha. But second of all, they’re really just starting out. I’m envious of the ones who are living their best lives and having fun and the ones who are starting college and making the best of it while also having a good social life. People at 20 still have so much time ahead to figure things out, and that I’m very envious of. If you could rewind time ten years, would you? It would be tempting. There’s so much I’d like to do differently. The thought of going through college all over again isn’t appealing, though. But man. Some changes that I’d like to change might make it worth it, though.. they would make such a big difference for me. Some of the things I’m dealing with now I don’t think I would be if I did some things differently. What do you miss the most about your past? I miss my childhood the most. Do you like getting older? Not at all. What is the last song you played on repeat? Hm. I’m not one to really play songs on repeat, so I don’t recall. Do you own a CD player? Nope. What hard thing are you going through right now, if applicable? My health and life stuff. What do you need prayer for? Good health and strength.  Are you ok? “I’m not okay, I’m not o-fucking-kay.” What’s the best retreat you’ve ever been on? I haven’t been on a retreat.  Do you love free falling? “Now I’m freeeeeee. Free fallin’.” Do you prefer slow songs or fast songs? I like both. Have you made any progress toward going after your dreams? No. I don’t even have any dreams to work towards right now. Who encourages you to go after your dreams? My family definitely would. They always have. Do you have regrets? Do I ever. Does anyone really know you? I don’t even really know me. I’ve changed these past few years and became someone I don’t know and certainly don’t like. I’m struggling with whether this is who I really am now, or am I like this because of my depression and health stuff? I really don’t know. Are you close to anyone right now? My mom and brother. What color is your trash can? The one in my room is white. Do you know anyone who is stuck-up? Yes. What color is your dresser? Brown. Are you more boho, hipster, sporty, goth, or girly? I’m just casual. What were your favorite clothing stores in high school? Hot Topic, Macys, JCP... I don’t really remember where else I shopped in high school.  Do you drive a car? No. If not, do you wish you had a car? I don’t drive, so I have no use for a car. Do you own a computer? If yes, is it a desktop or laptop? I have a laptop. What color is your cell phone? Coral. How old were you when you first got a cell phone? 16. What is your favorite season? Fall. Do you wish you had a popsicle right now? No. I’m not a popsicle person. Or ice cream in general, really. I rarely have any. It’s been like 3 years since I’ve had any. Who was your favorite family pet when you were growing up? My dog, Scruffy. He was with us from the time I was 5 until I was 18. What’s your favorite color? Pastels, yellow, mint green, rose gold, and coral. Do you like pineapple on pizza? Nope. List five of your favorite youtubers. Nah. Who’s your best friend? My mom. If you don’t have one, who do you wish were your best friend? Is your heart hurting? Not physically, but yeah. What song are you listening to right now, if any? I’m not. At what time of day do you usually feel the most energetic? Never? What medication or drug has given you the worst withdrawals? I’m sure my pain med would. 

[royalblurryfacedbastard]

Can you maybe do headcannons on the Sally Face gang with an extremely religious S/O?

I’ll try my best anon!

Larry: so to me Larry is kind of an atheist, but he’s not that ignorant “I-live-in-my-moms-basement” type of atheist, so if his s/o was very religious he’d respect it though I feel he’d question it or be skeptical about their religion in general bc he’s skeptical to most religions. There could be some problems if s/o is part of the same church as Travis, but I think that as long as you let him listen to his satanic metal music and don’t try to convert him or push him into anything you’ll be fine!

Sal: I’d say he’s more agnostic, like I think he believes in something since he believes in spirits and all that, but he’s unsure what. Maybe it’s God, maybe it’s something else. But he does believe in something, and I think that’d be interesting if he has a s/o who’s religious. He’d ask lots of questions out of genuine interest and I think he’d find it really great that his s/o knows what they believe in and believe it so much. He’s gonna wanna talk about your beliefs and his own so if you’re up to discussing stuff like that that’d be great!

Ash: Her family’s pretty religious and when she was younger she used to go to church, but being the most skeptical person in the gang she’s not really religious anymore. If her s/o is though she’ll 100% support them and love them and if she’s ever uncertain or scared or anything she’ll ask them to pray for her (if they don’t offer without her asking first). She may be skeptical but that little safety and being a part of someone’s prayers is a comfort to her.

Todd: He’s gonna question all that for sure because he believes in science and not any Gods, but his love for his s/o goes beyond that ofc. He’s gonna do some research and probably partake in discussions about religion in general but since it involves his s/o he’ll be nicer about it and try to overcome his urge to prove shit.

I’m kinda rusty at SF headcanons and stuff rn but I hope this is still okay anon!!

[threemoonsareshining]

i read through all the 'get to know me uncomfortably well' questions and honestly i couldn't pick because i'd love your answers to any of them so idk just answer the ones you feel like answering? is that allowed in these ask games? idk i'm making it allowed (also have a great day!) xx

Hi!!!!!! Oh my god you’re blessing my night with this message because let’s say... I haven't had the best day today, and I’m sure that’s allowed in these ask things, i mean are there even rules? I do’t know how many i’ll be able to answer but I’m going all in so let’s go

2. How old are you? 19 such an ugly age let me tell you

4. What is your zodiac sign? taurus and i’m not really into astrology and stuff so i don’t know if i can relate to my sign or not

5. What is your favorite color? i really like earthy tones, and i’ve always loved dark colors but i’m trying to broaden my horizons in terms of colors, unsuccessfully this far

6. What's your lucky number? i’m not sure if it brings me luck but i’ve always loved the number 5, maybe bc it’s my birthday, i think it’s really nice overall

7. Do you have any pets? yes!! i have 2 cats, i love them so much even though they’re not the friendliest cats in the world you know. I used to have fish but they kept dying not matter how hard i tried! It makes me a little sad but in the end it was just too much work and if i wasn’t able to take care of them properly i’d rather have no fish honestly

8. Where are you from? i don’t like to say these things but i think it’s pretty obvious if you pay a little attention to what i post every once in a while

9. How tall are you?i’m 1.64 or so, which is like… 5.3-5.4??? I’d like to be a little taller tho

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I don’t own many, this year i bought some winter shoes but i just realised all my summer ones are either a little too used or i just don’t like their style anymore so yeah i should do some shopping (if only i had time to do that hah!)

12. What was your last dream about? i don’t remember very well but i think i saw my economics teacher riding a bike with no pants after i’d been fined by the police for having a water balloon war in the middle of the street, I wasn’t happy about that. I’ve had many dreams i was able to remember these last days, but they were more like nightmares i’d say, many of them about being kidnaped, other studies-related (i failed my math test again, i had to retake my college-access test… just terrible), and other were with people i actually know, which wasn’t the best thing ever honestly

15. Favorite song? Plant life by owl city, i’m going to paste the answer i wrote to explain why it’s my favorite (Plant Life by Owl City, that song just describes my soul at a spiritual level, like I could choose 1564 other songs by Owl City that describe me as well but this one is the one that I can relate to when i’m going through the worst times, but also gives me the hope that things will get better idk. And it’s funny because I still loved it before I had the level of English to understand the lyrics, and then I found out what they meant and i was like “woah this actually speaks to me in a way i can’t explain” it was a really weird feeling idk, that song is just me)

16. Favorite movie? billy elliot, actually it’s been a really long time since i last saw it. I remember i watched it like 7 times in a row in one week when i first saw it, i just loved it so much

17. Who would be your ideal partner? Just… someone that i’m 100% comfortable with, which should be a given, but apparently that isn’t that easy to find. Idk i’ve been thinking a lot about this lately basically because some of my coming decisions are going to be based on who i want as a partner, obviously not in a serious-for-life way, but in a way that i deserve right now. I’d like to have someone that doesn’t make me feel inadequate like almost everyone does, that doesn’t make me feel like a temporary asset in their life until they get want they want for me and just don’t care anymore. I don’t know, recent experiences have made me realise I need to figure out what I want and fight for it, not settle for someone just because it’s convenient, or because i don’t want to be alone... because in the end, if someone is making you feel like shit for being who you are and it’s acting like you are not important, even though they’re willing to be with you (even if it’s just for the physical part) that clearly makes you feel even more lonely

18. Do you want children? I’d say my #1 fear in life is getting accidentally pregnant (i know that shouldn’t worry me that much if i use protection and stuff), i meant a good reason i’m so wary of having sex is because i’d go crazy just considering the possibility that the condom failed or something. I think this answers the question, i really don’t want children, idk if i’d be able to take care of a kid, and above all, i don’t want to. Every time i see a kid in the street or in the public transport i pray he/she doesn’t interact with me because i just find it so so so difficult to be nice to them, basically because i don’t know how . Then i also look at their parents, their tired look, and don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they love their kids and all but I don’t think everyone can find happiness in having kids, and I don’t think I’m one of those people that won’t feel complete until they have kids or stuff. Furthermore, I’m not willing to sacrifice my body and to suffer the pain of giving birth, that doesn’t even cross my mind. So if I consider the possibility in the future i think I’d adopt.

20. Are you religious? I already answered this so I’ll just paste it I’m sorry this is so lazy (i was raised catholic and as a child i was really really devote, i truly believed in god. But you know, as years go by, then you find out you don’t agree with a lot of things the Church preaches (being in a catholic school doesn’t help, i will never forget the day i heard a priest telling literal 7-year-old girls that their only duty in life was to have children). My environment was really really conservative and I was lucky to somehow realise how fucking wrong some of the stuff they were teaching us was, sadly, i still see a lot of kids in my school being brainwashed… it’s crazy to see the way some families think. Anyways, that contributed to me getting distanced from everything religious-related. Now i could say i’m somewhere between agnostic and non-practicing. I still pray every once in a while but i’m not sure if i truly believe it or it’s just out of custom, i just feel too hopeless and detached from everything to believe there’s something greater than us… this question is too hard!)

24. Baths or showers? I used to hate taking showers just because I didn’t have the strength to go through all the process of taking a shower but I’ve been trying to fix this mainly because 1) Personal Hygiene and stuff 2) Even though i don’t have the willpower to do it, i always try to think about how nice it feels to be clean after a shower, or how relaxed you are (even if it’s for a short period of time) after taking a bath. So yeah I don’t like either of them but they’re obviously necessary

26. Have you ever been famous? I haven’t been famous but I’ve been mistaken for a famous people more than once. The first time i was very young and a man asked me if i was that girl (idk who) that was on tv and I said no, and the other was more recent, last year, when someone mistook me for a youtuber

28. What type of music do you like? I love instrumental music, specially orchestral but i also adore celtic themes. And i hate to admit it but i love electro pop, the owl city - type, even though many people (aka my dad) may think it’s not the Best Quality, but i mean who cares at least I enjoy it

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? I’m a mess so most of the time I have a coffee so I don’t die of tiredness throughout the day and if i have time i eat some fruit and cookies, not a lot honestly, which isn’t the most healthy thing to do but hey idc

34. Have you ever fired a gun? No. I really, really hate guns.

37. Favorite swear word? I never swear in public, just when I’m alone, I don’t think I can choose any word!

38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep? Maybe 24 hours, the thing is that i sleep very, very little, but i always end up sleeping anyway

41. Are you a good liar? Even when I’m actually telling the truth there are people who don’t believe me so yeah hah not really

42. Are you a good judge of character? i’m really good at getting the vibes of people, sometimes i think i’m just overreading everything but a high percentage of the time i end up being right, so yeah not only regarding people but also with other aspects of my life… i like to trust my gut. However, i don’t always say it bc i’m afraid i might be wrong, but when my suspicions are proven, I’m like yeah i was right how weird hahahahhhhhhhhh, i amaze myself in this aspect honestly

46. What is your personality type? i think i’m intj, but i remember retaking the test a few months later and getting another result but yeah i can relate to the architect type, introvert, cautelous, focused on analysing rather than acting blah blah all that stuff (i love this stuff)

49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie 4 life, because I’ve tried to force myself to be more outie and let me tell you that didn’t go well

50. Left or right handed? left!!!

51. Are you scared of spiders? I’m really scared of them but i also cry every time i kill one bc i feel sorry for her (but it’s either my life or hers i’m sorry) although most of the time when i see i spider i face my fear and i put in in a box or something to release it outside

52. Favorite food? i’d eat ice cream every day of my life for every meal all the time just give me all the ice cream

58. Do you have much of an ego? My ego is so tiny sometimes i forget it exists and let people step on it like it’s nothing

61. Do you sing to yourself? I perform to myself, i love singing alone in my room. I used to care about my neighbour hearing me but you only live once right

62. Are you a good singer? i wouldn't say i’m a bad singer, nor a good one bc the problem is that my voice is not very strong, so it’s very hard to hear me. But yeah, i’ve been complimented for my singing in some occasions, and i really enjoy doing it on my own (i still don’y know how i was able to sing in public the only time i have done it)

63. Biggest Fear? that i’ll keep missing stuff due to my anxiety, oh that and having unwanted kids obviously

64. Are you a gossip? it’s always interesting to hear stuff and be aware of what happens around you but i‘ve always said that things would be better if everyone just… minded their own business a little bit more, you can’t get mad at someone if they don’t want to tell you something, it’s their life and they don’t owe you all the explanations after all

66. Do you like long or short hair? i have really long hair and i’d love it if it wasn’t so so so hard to maintain… i’m pretty tired of it honestly and i know i said i’d be cutting and donating it this year but… it’s such a part of my identity (which is so silly but it’s true, i’m introduced to some people as “the girl with really long hair”) and… i don’t know i think i’ve enough changes this year, so i’ll keep it for a little longer

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? i’m so scared of the sea i think i’d die

71. What makes you nervous? sadly, even the most insignificant stuff makes me nervous, and apparently, ignoring them doesn’t mae them disapear! so yeah i’m basically suffering at all times due to stupid stuff, i’ve just learned to ignore it enough so it doesn’t interfere with the rest of my life (most of the time it works but it’s mentally draining now that i think about it)

77. Have you ever drank underage? I’m one of those people that can say that never drank alcohol until it was legal for me to do it, I didn’t do it even when my mom offered me something at family gatherings… yeah i think that’s the reason i drink so much now

80. How many piercings do you have? I don’t like piercings for myself (i obviously don’t have a problem with other people having them) but i just think it’s an unnecessary way of mutilating yourself (i hate needles)

86. What are you allergic to? Ironically, I’m allergic to cats, even though i have 2. It comes and goes, and it’s not serious, i sneeze a lot, my eyes itch a little sometimes, but i’m willing to pay that price for my cats honestly

87. Do you keep a journal? I do, but it’s been months since i last wrote mainly because i always feel like shit after writing, so now i can’t bring myself to do it, that’s why i post so much about my personal life in here, because i’m not able to journal but i also don’t want to forget about what happens in my life

90. What makes you angry? Anger is a weird concept for me. I get angry very often, but I’m angry in general, not at anyone in particular, I just find myself unable to get mad at someone, the anger instantaneously turns into sadness, so I don’t know what’s worse. If I’m being mean to someone (most of the time my parents are the victims) it’s not because of them, I’m just angry for no reason and I just can’t keep being nice.

Hey congratualtions if you made it till the end, i was really bored so i answered a lot. Thanks for the message again 🐱🐱🐱🌳🌳🌳

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

idk if this is urgent or not, so just take your time in replying to this!!! i know y'all have a bunch of things going on w/ this blog! anywhomst, i've been hesitant to ask for prayers from anyone but especially on here bc i was worried that would seem like too much of a 'im asking in public and making a big deal of my problems', but im at a point where i need to ask for some help/advice/something??? i've gone from being christian to athiest to agnostic to pagan to christopagan to christian (#1)

(#2) to being somewhere in agnostic again, the last like 5 within the span of 8 months. it’s spiritual and emotionally draining. i thought i was definitely christian recently after coming back to the church. im still going on sundays now and going to choir practice bc it’s good for me and it’s made me feel much happier than i’ve felt previously.but something just sort of happened within the last like 2 weeks. i went from trying to read the bible every week and listening to christian music and

(#3) getting important and helpful things out of my pastor’s sermons to not feeling like god’s there at all. it feels like there’s nothing out there anymore. i guess the only good thing is that i was once terrified of the possibility of nothingness after we die and now im not really scared of that any longer. but i’ve always been a very spiritual person and it’s something that shapes who i am and gives me comfort in my darkest times. but now i feel like i have nothing and no one, no god(s) or

(#4) or divine/heavenly comfort or guidance or reassurance. i know that im still struggling w/ depression (and i have self diag. autism) & i have some anxiety and probably some other mental stuff going on & it’s likely that’s affecting my beliefs and feelings. i guess i just want some prayer. that if god’s out there, or anyone really, that they could find me and see my pain and see how lost i am and help me, guide me to something better and happier. bc im so tired and sad and empty & it’s really

Hi there! It looks like your ask got cut off so if there was a part five that I still need to answer, send that part again.

First off, it’s not bad to share your problems with a community – we are called to lean on one another! Faith doesn’t happen in a vacuum. So thanks for reaching out. 

I really feel for you in your struggle. I also have depression, and that and other things took a major toll on my faith life a few years back. In high school I hardly ever even doubted God’s existence or living presence in my life, I felt Them nearly every time I prayed or went to church, and so the sudden shift to feeling…nothing a lot of the time was so upsetting and confusing. Like you, I’m a spiritual person, so that these times when I feel nothing are almost physically painful.

It kind of sucks and it’s not a very satisfying answer, but, for whatever reason, this is just how faith works. Sometimes you have incredibly high points, sometimes you reach points so low you feel completely untethered from the divine. 

Part of me wishes I could go back to high school with its easy faith, when I sort of took for granted that I’d always feel God in my life. But another part of me is thankful (now that I’ve learned how to navigate the low points better) to be in a time in my life when faith is hard. 

Why would this difficulty ever be a good thing?? The confusion and sense of loss, of being cut off from God?

For one thing, it causes me to long for Them that much more, to appreciate deeply those moments I do feel close to Them again. 

It also makes me feel more connected to other people who go through the same thing throughout history – who have had doubts and fears and wondered where God was, why they felt nothing. Even Jesus felt cut off from God, crying out from the cross: “My God, My God, why have your abandoned me?”

It reminds me that faith is a gift, not a given – it’s a gift I can prepare myself to receive but not something I can obtain for myself. That I can be a “Good Christian” in my lowest moments, when I feel farthest from God, by continuing to pray and hope and love in the midst of my doubts and spiritual loneliness.

And it reminds me that faith is so much more than those “feel-good” moments that a lot of modern Christian movements put so much focus on. Faith isn’t about finding the right song to elicit Big Emotions and tears. Faith isn’t just an emotion at all – it’s a practice, a way of life, a role we grow into.

Those moments of feeling One with God are beautiful and precious and a glimpse of what we’ll have in heaven – but they’re not the foundation of our faith. Jesus is, and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. We can keep being faithful even when we feel nothing, or feel bad things. 

Read this post, where I talk about how God is both as near to us as our own hearts blood and as distant to us as the stars: “Recognizing both God’s nearness and God’s distance is important in order to be at peace with the feelings of far-offness that often distress us, while also hoping in the truth that God is all-pervasive too.” 

Part of what made me start to have these dips in faith, I think, is that I started to ask questions – to wrestle with God and with scripture. In high school I had followed the easier path of accepting everything my church said, but while that meant I had what felt like an “direct” connection to God, it also meant my glimpse of God was pretty small. In working to expand my view and also to be more radically inclusive of all God’s people, I’ve developed a lot of doubts and fears and griefs (because God’s grief is deep, even if Their joy is deeper, and to taste it is to feel desolation). But it’s worth it, it’s always worth it. 

So my advice to you is to keep reaching out for help, from God and from people. Keep going to choir and to church, even when you leave feeling empty. Don’t lose hope that sometimes you’ll leave feeling filled – and that even when you feel empty, you really are full of God’s love and life and Spirit.

“Fake it till you make it” is the motto I live by some months – I keep doing my daily prayers even when it feels like I’m talking with no one; I try to get to chapel or church; I talk about God with people and read the Bible and study theology.

And so the resources for faith grow even when I feel most desolate. My heart that feels so empty and hollowed-out is actually becoming a pocket into which God will plant more seeds of faith. Our loneliness becomes a womb in which the Spirit nestles Herself, with us all along even when we don’t feel Her. 

If you trust your pastor or anyone else at church, you can talk to them about your faith troubles. And you are welcome to keep asking questions here, or giving us updates on how you’re doing. I recommend our FAQ page, especially some of the posts in the Faith section. 

Living Spirit, Lavisher of Gifts,This person is in need of your guidance and love. Let them feel your Presence with them, even if only for a little while, so that they may carry the memory of as nourishment for the empty days. When you feel far off, may they learn the hard lesson of loneliness: that sometimes you who are our very Breath feel as intangible as air; that sometimes we climb and climb and don’t realize how high we’ve reached for a long time.May all of us, your communion of saints, your Body and your Beloved, come together in our times of desolation. Give us the courage and wisdom to reach out, to encourage one another, to strive and strive with all our heart, soul, and strength.Faith is the gift we beg of you, God. Give us faith – and understanding to learn just what faith is. Amen. 

[tipsycad147]

6 Things That You Totally Don't Need To Be A Witch

Avery Hart

This week I’ve had a rash of people telling me how my witchcraft “should” be or how witchcraft “has to work” and to be quite honest with you, I’m about over it. I see this kind of policing everywhere, it seems like everyone has this idea that their way of practising the craft is the “right” way and everyone else should be converted to their way of thinking. You get people who are otherwise preaching a philosophy of oneness and being in tune with yourself and valuing nature and peace becoming utterly irate because someone else is doing something different. Am I the only one who sees the huge contradiction here?

What Witchcraft Really Is

Here’s the thing, witchcraft isn’t a set of rituals. It isn’t the worship of a particular god, it’s not a religion, it’s not even the methods we use to cast spells. Witchcraft transcends all of these things because, at its core, witchcraft is about doing what works. And if the massive diversity in magical tradition speaks to anything it’s that there are a LOT of ways to do magic that work!

What witchcraft really is, at its core, is the manipulation of the energy that makes up everything from the tiniest microbe, to massive sequoias, this wonderful planet that we live on, every star, every breath we take, and every god we may or may not pray to. Magic is literally everywhere, it’s inescapable because it IS us. It’s everything!

Why So Many Things Are Optional

This base nature of magic and our universe is exactly what makes so many things in magic optional. Since magic is everywhere and everything there are basically infinite ways to take advantage of it. And the vast majority of these methods work given the right circumstances!

Think of it this way, if magic could only be accessed in one way we would see the exact same magical structure repeated over and over and over again in every culture and in every point in history. That is not the case though! All you have to do is look at the amazing diversity present in our current magical culture. You have ceremonial magicians summoning demons and performing long and intricate rites while housewives practice folk magic involving nothing more than a whispered incantation and some spices from their cupboard. Both methods work. How can we claim that there’s only one way to practice magic when Hoodoo, Santeria, Stregheria, Feri, Wicca, Appalachian granny magic, Druidry and so many more traditions exist simultaneously and all seem to work? The answer is that we can’t. They DO all work because they are all taking advantage of the exact same universal forces in a myriad of ways.

So What Is Optional In The Craft?

There are so many more optional elements than I could possibly list here but these are some of the most common elements of the craft that I see being touted as non-negotiable.

1. Gendered Energy

The use of gendered energy (i.e. masculine and feminine energy) is an incredibly prevalent part of modern witchcraft and this is largely due to the widespread nature of Wicca. Wicca teaches this gender dichotomy as a core part of its practices and because of this, such methods have filtered down into the collective consciousness of neo-Wicca and nondenominational witchcraft as a result. The widespread nature of this concept does not make it mandatory, however. There are plenty of forms of witchcraft that do not teach or use any form of gendered magical energy, and some (like Feri) that actively teach that one should strive for the freedom of energy that comes from releasing oneself from such limiting concepts in magic.

If the idea of gendered energy makes you uncomfortable, if you find it difficult to work with, or if it simply doesn’t resonate with you, you don’t have to use it! You can simply omit that part of the craft without suffering any ill consequences. Your magic will still work, it won’t be any less powerful and in fact, by removing an element that didn’t resonate with you personally your magic might become even more effective!

2. Specific Tools

You can find a list of “beginners tools” in pretty much every book and website about witchcraft out there. Everyone seems to have an idea of what tools are must-haves for practising magic and often, these lists of tools don’t match up with each other! One source will tell you that you absolutely must have a wand while another doesn’t even mention wands but says that two knives rather than one are essential. Some sources use herbs, others essential oils, still others make no mention of such things. You’ll find everything from bells, to cubes, to mirrors, chalices, and candles on these lists. So what’s a witch supposed to think?! Which tools are really necessary?

The reality is, none of these tools are necessary. Sure, they all have uses and can help you in harnessing your inherent magical power but these tools don’t GIVE you magical power and you can certainly access that innate connection to your energy without them. The best thing to do is to only use the tools that speak to you and make you feel as though your magic is working. If you’re short on resources and can’t afford tools, makeshift tools, DIY altarpieces, or nothing at all can suffice as well. Magic can be done with nothing more than your will and intention, no tools, no words, and no outside trappings of any kinds if you so choose.

3. Divination

Divination methods like tarot, pendulum reading, and scrying are incredibly prevalent in modern witchcraft. They’re so prevalent, in fact, that many people feel as though without these elements they’re only practising half the craft! This simply isn’t the case though. Divination is a wonderful form of magic and can add a lot to your daily workings but your witchcraft is still witchcraft even if you don’t use it. Some people really hate divination. Some people don’t want to know the future. Some people just find that they’re not very good at divination. There’s nothing wrong with accepting that divination just isn’t your thing if you don’t feel that it’s beneficial to you!

I’m not very fond of math and you know what, despite the warnings of every grade school teacher, my life has suffered very little for my avoidance of math. I simply choose to focus my efforts on those things that I’m actually good at! In the few instances where I might need some math, there are always people in this world who have the skills that I do not. I can seek out people whose strengths compliment my weaknesses. You should take this same approach to witchcraft (and possibly the rest of your life too). You have developed a set of skills, talents, and strengths that are unique to you. Why would you go out of your way to average yourself by becoming mediocre at those things that you have no natural aptitude for when you can spend that same energy becoming truly great at those things that you’re naturally good at?

4. Spirit Work

In much the same way as divination, spirit work is everywhere and is often seen as a completely necessary part of witchcraft. One of the most common questions I get from beginners is about whether or not they have to work with spirits. Many of these beginner witches are considering giving up the craft entirely because spirits scare them and they’ve been led to believe that they won’t be able to practice the craft without spirit work! How terrible to think that someone might give up their own power simply because they’re afraid of something that they never have to deal with unless they want to.

It’s true that spirits are everywhere and that becoming a witch will get you in tune with your own capabilities to see and interact with these spirits. That doesn’t mean that you have to work with them though! If you feel unsafe around someone, you don’t force yourself to spend time with them simply because it’s expected of you. You do something about it! You get away from them, you choose not to live your life in their presence, you can even take out a restraining order if you need to. Spirit work is the same way. If you don’t like spirits, you can just avoid them! Put up wards to keep them away from you and your home, tell spirits that ask for your help that you’re not the right person to help, give stubborn spirits the boot with a solid banishing spell. If you don’t want to work with spirits then DON’T, there are plenty of people out there who will do the spirit work that you don’t want to do. let them deal with the spirits. Protect your space and your peace of mind if that’s what feels good for you.

5. Gods & Religion

Has anyone else here noticed how hard it is to find non-religious witchcraft? Because I have. The thing is, gods and religion are not mandatory in the craft. No matter how many spells you see invoking a deity or how many witchy sources you find that involve the horned god and triple goddess you do not have to work with any god that you don’t want to. That includes gods that show up and want to work with you. You have every right to say no to them and not work with them if you don’t want to. Personally, I’ve told Odin to get lost more times than I can count. Do I have something against Odin? No, not necessarily, I just don’t think that working with him will further the path that I’ve chosen for myself. I respect him, but I don’t want him all up in my life and my witchcraft. You have every right to do the same, pick and choose those beings that you allow into your life carefully. Remember, witchcraft is about claiming your power. Do not give your power of choice up just because the being contacting you is a god.

You also do not have to believe in gods at all. If you find yourself in the atheist or agnostic crowd, you’re still a totally valid witch. Your power is still real, your magic still works. Don’t let overzealous people force their beliefs on you or make you feel that your personal path is wrong. There are many paths that lead to many places in this life and no two people will walk the same path. We are all here to learn and experience something different, it’s only natural that we will each need to choose our own path to fulfil that.

6. Being a nature-y person

I know, I know. We should all care about the planet and love mother nature and blah blah blah. And that’s all great but you know what, even if someone DOES care about not harming the planet, that doesn’t mean they’re going to be outdoorsy, tree hugging, garden planting kinds of people. Or even if they ARE into being outdoorsy, that doesn’t mean they’re actually going to be able to. Real talk: I have a pretty serious intolerance to the sun. Like… I can’t go out for more than 10 minutes without the beginnings of a sunburn creeping up on me. And I live in Texas, the sun here is decidedly intense. As much as I love camping and hiking and just generally being outside, I can’t do a lot of that stuff most of the time without risking some major pain and suffering (not to mention skin cancer). Nine months out of the year, I can’t go out walking in nature, I can’t work in a garden, and I can’t sit and meditate under a tree to get my witchy juices flowing. That doesn’t make me any less of a witch.

Plenty of people have limitations that prevent them from being able to go outside a lot. Sun sensitivity, physical disability, anxiety, introversion, and just plain old not wanting to can keep people inside year round and you know what, that’s fine. A witch who never works a single spell or ritual outdoors is still a witch.

If you only take one thing away from this post, let it be this: Stop worrying about whether or not you’re doing witchcraft “right” by other people standards. The only yardstick you should measure your craft by is whether or not what you’re doing works. Do what works. Forget about the rest.

https://thetravelingwitch.com/blog/2018/5/1/6-things-that-you-totally-dont-need-to-be-a-witch

[rhediix]

I’m Fine.

Earlier today a friend who I hadn’t talked to in awhile asked how I was doing and out of some knee-jerk retail employee reaction that’s been ingrained in me for 16 years I came back immediately with “I’m fine”.

Now I get that everyone says it, and it’s beyond common to hear it when asked the question in public even if you aren’t fine and especially if you are working retail or in customer service where you face people every day. You are forced to say it because if you don’t say it or say you aren’t well or anything of the sort well...societal pressures being what they are people will give you this look like there are lobsters crawling out of your nose. They will also think you are Patient Zero and will treat you accordingly, standing further back, and judgmentally glaring at you.

Still, it doesn’t explain why I still say it even now, three years removed from retail and customer service. I still say it, every time I’m asked. It comes out before I even know it’s on it’s way out of my face hole.

My friend John said something akin to “well, judging by your Facebook profile I’m going to say you’re not fine but...” and he’s right. I’m really not. I’m about the furthest thing from fine.

I spend a good majority of every day alone (except for two days and the time my wife isn’t at work). I mean yes, there’s our cat but he isn’t known as a great conversationalist. He’s cute, great to have staring contests with, and to take naps with. I’m alone otherwise. Sure there’s TV - YouTube, Netflix, Hulu, CBS All Access, and Apps from half a dozen cable channels and the channels themselves. I’m tired of TV. I’m tired of the same old thing. The rut is getting to me and it’s only one facet of a complex lattice that forms why I’m most certainly not fine.

I’m not fine because of the drugs and lest you think I’m an addled addict try again. The drugs in question here are blood pressure meds. In ever increasing dosages. Different types, different mechanisms of action, different side effects, different reactions and interactions the doctors didn’t bargain for. Some of them are so bad that I go away and withdrawal from even doing things I enjoy to cope with the strange feelings. Others like the drug I was taking up until a few days ago have me thinking I’m going to end up in a hospital again as the feelings it gives me are akin to having a heart attack - chest pressure, arm pain, muscle stiffness, and muscle twitches. Now, don’t be concerned because all those are either common or less common side effects but one of them — just one of them: muscle stiffness was enough to raise concern from one doctor to pull me off of it and within two days, I felt tons better. His suspicion was an allergic reaction to one of the compounds in it. I’m just happy he overrode my cardiologist and told me to stop taking it.

I’m not fine because I’m constantly teased about my weight. I’m actually overweight yes, but there’s more to unpack here. With the rate at which people with my disease lose body mass, the “bumper” of excess weight is actually not a terrible thing as my body could sustain itself off of its reserves if I ever begin to spiral. On the obverse being obese is not healthy and I get that. Another part of the issue here is the biweekly infusions I get increase metabolism and increase hunger about ten fold. I’m eating sometimes after my infusion and I honestly don’t even realize it. I’m stuffing my face and I just can’t ever seem to satiate my desire for more food. All of this gives me the worlds most visible ugly pot belly. Well, loss of core muscles, side muscles, back muscles and pectoral muscles from muscle wasting have certainly not helped either as it pushes my stomach forward making it look even larger. My dad and brother razzed me a few days ago and I played along and I was seconds from blowing up. I was having a drug reaction with severe chest pain, dealing with a dead car battery, and putting up with them poking at my gut and calling me fat. Yeah. Trifecta of stress.

Which leads me to I’m not fine because of stress and anxiety attacks. Crippling anxiety attacks. They get so damn bad that I can’t distinguish between cardiac issues and anxiety. And most of the time if I’m on a new drug it might be all three: a legitimate cardiac issue, a medication issue, or an anxiety attack and I just have no idea what to do so I sit quietly. Sometimes for hours with ocean noises playing off of YouTube. Something to focus on that isn’t pain and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t and when it doesn’t I take naps. Related to the attacks are fear response shocks. In a normal person walking up behind someone and scaring them is fun. Jump cuts are great. To me, anything like that causes my neck muscles to seize, a headache to start, and nerve pain to shoot down both arms. Sometimes the severity lasts hours, sometimes it lasts days. This then also informs a general anxiety about new situations, doctors, airport travel, legal counsel anything. My blood pressure is usually sky high even with the meds when I’m seeing a new doctor and my fear has been at an all time high since I was admitted in the ER last February and spent a week in the hospital.

I’m not fine because I see people giving me the stink eye. Yes. I park in the handicap spot. Yes I have a cane. Yes I also have a motorized wheelchair. I can walk but not very far, but apparently if you have a wheelchair and you are seen walking to it and sitting in it (for instance I park it outside of restrooms because it’s a pain in the ass to maneuver it into a stall) people will give you the dirtiest looks. People will see you in your chair and also think you need to be saved. This happens a lot. Usually in a crowded retail store. I’m agnostic. I don’t care if you want to pray for me...that’s great. I’m fine with that. I feel it’s not my right to judge someone else’s choices or religion or absence of religion. But making a spectacle of it IN PUBLIC? No. And blocking my path with your cart? Double no.

I’m not fine because my wife isn’t fine. She takes care of me and I love her to death but she also gets the dark side of me when I’m at my lowest and most miserable and she has begun to develop anxiety attacks herself so crippling she has trouble breathing. It’s not easy being a caretaker and she does it quite well but it isn’t what she bargained for or expected and she has plenty of things on her plate as it is.

I’m not fine because every friend I had made stopped coming around and those that have stuck around or want to do something I have to explain my condition to so that it doesn’t look like I’m standing them up when my body decides now would be a great time to have more pain. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had to cancel last minute because of it.

I’m not fine because of irritable bowel syndrome and GERD. Both of which I have and cause about 75-80% of my daily hell. The pain gets so severe at times I just want to scream and even knowing what foods do what to me doesn’t help anymore. Sometimes...most of the time my stomach or guts just hurt. Bending over hurts, leaning to the side hurts, anything where I have to move against my stomach, really.

I’m not fine because I’m now getting constant pain in my left hand which makes playing guitar—my one creative outlet incredibly difficult. Actually the frustration of not being able to play standing up, or playing a guitar that weighs more than 4lbs is also likewise a root cause of why I’m not fine.

I appreciate the support from everyone but people will say “call me if you need to talk”. Quite frankly you weren’t told you have an incurable disease that will slowly eat away all your muscles, potentially leave you deaf, and eventually kill you and even if they find a cure they can’t undo any damage incurred by the disease. So if I end up with 80% of my muscles gone, and they fix it, I’ll still be wheelchair bound with a bilateral paralysis in my diaphragm, unable to grow back any muscle mass that’s already died. Like I said: I appreciate the support but all of what I just said is too much for most people to deal with or they weren’t bargaining for all of that.

But now you know.

How am I?

I’m fine.

Because it’d just take too long to fully explain all of the ways I’m really not fine at all.

[automatismoateo]

I don't think I believe anymore, and I'm scared. via /r/atheism

Submitted September 08, 2019 at 07:52AM by TaeTayJ (Via reddit https://ift.tt/2ZQhaai) I don't think I believe anymore, and I'm scared.

"I don't think I believe anymore, and I'm scared."

Yesterday(September 7th) I woke up a theist, and went to bed an atheist. Of course it's more complicated than that, but the above were the words that I wrote in my journal as it finally hit home that I do not believe. 

I'm not scared of being an atheist and what it means for me, I've had a long journey to reach this point, and I've come to terms with that slowly. I am, however, absolutely terrified of what this means for my remaining relationships... I say remaining for a reason. 

My parents moved the family overseas to be full-time missionaries when I was a couple months old. While I consider them to be surprisingly non cult-y, I was surrounded by other conservative and cult-like Christians. I embraced if with my whole being. Just a few years ago I was waking up at 5am to read the bible and pray for 2 hours, after that I'd go to work, and the minute I was off I would be leaving for some bible study, meeting, prayer group, you name it. Every day of the week and weekend, I was at church, or a church-related event.

I've only ever had Christian friends.

In reading the bible so much, I began to change my conservative opinions regarding physical appearance. I just couldn't find a way to biblically justify what I'd previously been so convicted of. The bible just didn't seem to care if I wore a skirt or pants, how long or tight they were, if I had a pixie cut or not...

I lost so, so, so many friends. It broke me. I was told I was worthless, a horrible friend, not a Christian, a mistake, simply because I looked a little different. I couldn't understand why it mattered--didn't these people read the bible, like I had? Why wouldn't they listen when I explained that I had changed my mind BECAUSE of the bible?

At this time I was also working for a Christian company. I recognize now that they were abusive, and a cult( the scary kind, I fully believe me and the other employees would have drank the koolaid), but at the time all I knew was that I couldn't find a biblical way to justify their behavior any more than I could the clothing standards. They were hurting me, and I had so, so many questions, and so few answers. 

I took a break from church to delve deeper into the bible for myself to find those answers, and lost even more friends. It didn't matter that I was taking a break to FIND GOD, I wasn't in church, so they wouldn't associate with me.

I lost almost everybody... all while I still did believed. The few who stuck around did so because they saw I still fervently cared about God and finding truth, so they've put up with the things they don't agree with...

So what now?

How do I tell my family that I think they've wasted their lives?(Actually a rhetorical question. I've temporarily cut ties with them for unrelated reasons and I'm not sure I'll even open the door to that relationship again, but knowing that I'll open TWO floodgates if I do is terrifying)

How do I tell my friends that I... I don't believe. After they've stuck around through so much... it's going to break their hearts.

When I told one friend I had become an agnostic theist(before I embraced atheism) she began to tell me how hopeless and empty my life is, to get right with God, and how my life has no point and I might as well die. How is she going to react to knowing that I've embraced atheism...?!

My husband is still a Christian, and worse--I converted him, back when we first met and I was that crazy Christian in church all day. He knows I'm now an atheist, he accepts me, but I'm terrified of how this is going to impact our relationship going forwards.

I'm an atheist now, and I'm terrified.

I'm terrified because I'm alone in my unbelief.

I'm terrified because I know I could lose everything that I still held on to, after already losing so much.

I'm terrified because this is a catholic country, I was already an outcast for being protestant... what now? 

I feel so, so alone....

But I'm also so, so much happier. At least with myself. I know I have a long road ahead of me, coming out to people and potentially burning more bridges. I have a lot of grieving to do, for friends lost to cults, for my own time wasted and the lifetime my parents are still wasting... there's a lot of pain involved, but I know I'm happier for it.

I'm so deeply grateful for the atheist YouTube community that answered the questions I had that Christians refused to, that pulled me out of a cult and cult-mindset, and eventually over to the other side. You offer the sense of belonging and safety I won't have in my life for some time yet to come, while I muddle through coming out... So thank thank. Thank you Mr. Atheist, Rachel Oates, Telltale, Genetically Modified Skeptic, Atom, and the others I've only just started watching... you're activism makes a difference, it's important, and I'm so, SO grateful for it. I'd love to join the activist ranks with you someday, but for now, I'm just glad to know I'm not alone.

I'm an atheist, and I'm terrified--but finally excited for my future, and finally guilt free.

[thebaldostrich]

untitled

When I discovered that my family was different at the age of eight, I thought I’ll be able to cope with the help of God, the OG with a capital G;

I tried to call him every night, but he was never home. So I prayed instead, hoping that things are going to get better.

Things only got worse so I turned to The Internet instead. It raised me well but it’s not always good. It has good and bad things I can’t really filter.

So I tried to call God, again, several times, but there’s still no answer.

-

I spent a couple years trying to find him but no one knows where he lives;

some says his spirit lives in churches, synagogues, mosques and temples but I don’t want that, I want him whole!

Let me call just one last time–

 -

“God? God, I don’t like this particular life. Can you take me away from it? God? God, are you real or are you just a mere piece of my imagination? God? God, can you hear that? My walls are crumbling! God? God, can you hear me? God?”

Someone picked up the call. Finally! “Hi there.“

"Is God there?”

“No he’s not.” 

“Who is there?”

“I’m Just A Piece Of Your Consciousness.”

“Oh, wrong number. Sorry, Ms. Consciousness. Bye.”

 -

You know what, God might just be a fraud. I don’t believe him anymore.

Maybe I should stay away from holy books and turn to science and reason.

Wait, I’m not much of a science person–

I couldn’t even solve an equation, let alone find a rational reason.

I fell asleep reading the preface of The Theory of Everything.

-

Oh crap. It’s home. Breaking. Again. Who was that lady who picked up God’s call again?

“Ms. Consciousness? You there?”

“I’m here,” said Ms. Consciousness.

I bit my tongue and asked, “you busy?”

“Nope,” she laughed. “I’ve got all the time in the world.”

“Cool. Can I talk to you for a while?”

“Sure.”

I couldn’t speak. I cried. A lot. Ms. Consciousness didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry, Ms. Consciousness,” I said. “I—tsk…don’t know how to start–”

“It’s okay. I know everything.”

“Wait what? How?”

“I’m Just A Piece Of Your Consciousness. I know everything.”

“Oh right. So…you know…tsk—how things have been going at home…right?”

“Sure do.”

“Is there anything that I can do to fix that?”

“It’s beyond your ability. You can’t fix that.”

“Tsk! Tsk! Right, you’re definitely not—tsk—helping!”

“But that’s truth tea right there! You can’t fix it! All you got to do is learn how to live there!”

“Harsh.”

“But true.”

“Riiigght—tsk, Ms. Smartass—uh—Consciousness. So how do I live through this?”

“Find a good company. Talk to your friend!”

“If only it was that simple. I tried. They wouldn’t understand.”

“Well they don’t need to. Keep them around for good time.”

“Alright smartie. What iiiif…I rrreaaally need to talk to someone who is…tsk—a professional?”

“Like God?”

“Tsk! Not him! He wouldn’t even pick up my call. You know, a real flesh and blood human who can numb these pain…”

“Talk to a psychiatrist! They might give you some pills to numb your pain down!”

“I know, but I can’t afford them.”

“Bullshit! They are health professionals, you can use your public health insurance to get yourself checked at a very low price.”

“Where?”

“In a hospital of course.”

“Tsk! I know but which one?”

“I don’t know. Ask The Internet.”

 -

The Psychiatrist prescribed me some medications and gave me a diary. He told me to write everything there.

Everything.

ENTRY #1: Me

I’m a fourteen year old girl. I’m in the last year of junior high school. I’m scared to go to high school. I wear a pair of 2.50 prescription glasses.

My favorite subjects are English, French, and Visual Arts. My least favorite subjects are Math and Natural Science.

I spend a lot of time on the internet, mostly learning how to draw and watching cat videos.

I’m not that interesting, really.

 -

Entry #2: Family

My mom works in finance. She’s ill. Physically at first. She has Lupus. When she’s in a stable condition, she likes to go out and drink, but when she’s not she need to stay at the hospital for weeks. The pressure and pain makes her mentally ill now. I’m not sure which disease and I don’t want to assume, so let’s leave her at that.

My dad also works in finance. He’s very strict. I never really had the chance to know him. He’s often mad at me, but more often at my mom.

I had a twin brother but he didn’t survive childbirth. I wish I were with him.

 -

Entry #3: Friends

I have two good friends, Hana and Skye.

Hana is the current school president. She wants to go to law school and be the Speaker of The House.

Skye makes people laugh. She’s good in biology. She’s also a vegetarian. She wants to become a marine biologist.

We get along really well because we all like cats and waffles, but I kinda feel that each of them are keeping something away from each other. The way I keep this family thing out of their business. 

It’s about time that someone–one of us–is gonna have an emotional outburst in front of each other. I’ll tell them everything when that time comes, but until then, we’re cool talking about cat and having waffles together.

 -

Entry #4: God

Does he exist?

I don’t know. But at this point of my life, I still don’t wanna know. The less I know the better is still relevant up today.

Damn, that was arguably the most agnostic statement ever.

It could be a phase that I’m going through. Who knows? I might turn into the most religious Catholic nun ever or an atheist preacher in the future.

Or I can eventually master every arguments for and against God in the future. And still answer “I don’t know” to the question “do you believe in God?”

I might actually ask back, “do you?”

[impvarjack60]

12 What's Up, Doc?

We entered 'The Cave' and I closed the door. The furnishings were rather spartan as I hadn't really done anything in here. There were still a few crates in here that I was using as end tables. I felt that Abzari would be more comfortable in here, and the truth is the Hybrides may be spies. Whether they know it or not.

"Have a seat Abzari, and I'll get right to it as I have several questions for you. First, were you unmarried on Earth?" "Yes, the woman I was betrothed to in childhood was killed by an abandoned land mine when I was eighteen. Then I was off to college and medical school. I just never found the time to persue a relationship after that." A perpetual loner. Hmmm, that sounds familiar. I was getting the feeling I was in for a painful story here. "When you woke up, describe what was happening and what was different about yourself." "When I woke up, I was in an all white room. I thought I was in paradise, and I would soon meet Mohammad. I started to call for him, but then the metal orb appeared." "What did he call himself?" "Rafiq, a boy I knew from childhood. He was killed by the Russians just before they left." "I knew you guys had it rough, but damn..." "All I've know is war, Michael." "What did they change on your body?" "I was fifty two years old when they kidnapped me, and now I look like I did when I was eighteen." Did they fix anything?" "Yes, I had a bullet wound in my right thigh, it is no longer there." "Holy crap, Doc. how'd that happen?" "The wound was from when the Taliban was fighting from the hospital where I worked, it was a stray bullet." "OK, these questions are more personal in nature, fair warning. Is your penis bigger?" "What?!, what relevance does tha......" "Doc, mines about eight centimeters longer. I want to know what we have in common. It may give some clues as to what the aliens are up to." "Yes, I have been just as curious, and no, it's approximately the same." Gee Doc, too bad. Or maybe he's just already hung. "When you prayed, what did you pray for?" There was a long pause, apparently I'm in sacred territory. "I prayed for Mohammad to return and deliver us from that evil." "OK, Doc, there's some commonality." "You prayed to Mohammad?" "Doc, I prayed to anyone who would listen, Jesus, Mohammad, Ganesha, Buddha, I didn't care who. I just wanted someone to come and rescue us, the human race just wasn't gonna' be able to pull it off." "So, you do not have a singular faith?" "No, Doc. I'm a bit of an Agnostic." "I thought this would be the Sacred Barge of the Believers." "I've never heard that before, that doesn't seem like a Muslim thing." "It's not, Michael. In the back of my mind, I've felt we may not have gotten everything right in our religion. A long time ago Muslims were the voice of science and reason, living in harmony with those of other faiths. Now a small percentage of us have twisted a once benevolent faith into a bramble of lies, and I wanted that to end. However, I think there's a hidden force behind the evil on the surface, and we'll never know who it was." "So, do you feel this is the work of the divine?, this vessel has to have shaken your faith somewhat." "Yes, and sadly, it has." "Well, hang in there Doc. When I first met Anna, it was a terrifying experience for me." "I can see why." Everyone is going to view Anna as a freak, ugh...... "Yea, thanks Doc. When I grilled Olaf the next day, I said something to the effect that since they scared me shitless with her, that they got me wrong, and that they couldn't be God, because he is infallible. Then he said and I quote; "Even a God can make a mistake, Michael." That scared the crap out of me. God, or Allah, may very well be on the other side of that wall." "But Michael, what would Allah need with technology?" "That's the thing, Abzari. If these beings showed up back then to our ancestors, wouldn't that look like God's magic to them?" "I will have to contemplate this for a while, Michael." "No pressure, we've got time, meanwhile, keep praying, Doc. And when you do, I'd point the mat towards the shield wall. OK, what about Minoo? what's her story?"

"She was made famous by the cover of National Geographic." "I thought I recognized those eyes, that's were I seen her before. OK, so we both have a taste for famous people, what else?" "She was brutally beaten by the Taliban years later for some weak infraction of dress code. I was the doctor for her recovery." Holy shit!, is there no end to this man's suffering? Well, maybe now. "So, did she dominate your thoughts?" "Yes, I couldn't get the image of her beautiful eyes out my head, and how horribly disfigured the Taliban had left her." I don't know how much more of this I can do, I'm way out of my element here. "How is her mental state?, she was rather quiet. I couldn't get a good impression of her." "At home, she is a somewhat childish, curious creature, and a bit more talkative." "Well, if she hangs out with Anna long enough, you'll never get her to shut up." That was good for a laugh, and I hope I broke the tension a little.

"The truth is Doc, we have GOT to make this work. We will have to drop a lot of our former cultural mannerisms. For instance, when you asked to examine Anna's stasis device, you should have asked her. As for me, I have to retrain myself to forget all those shitty stereotype things about Muslims. Were I lived, there was nothing but mistrust, and my personal thinking upheld that mistrust. But since I've been here, I've realized that there would be many cultures represented here, we have to get along, and not just tolerate each other. We have to understand each other, and be friends. We... must... make... this... work. We'll die out, or fall into those old ways of feudalism if we don't. I for one don't want that."

"You have left me with a lot to think about, Michael. This surprises me considering your background." "I think I missed my calling." "You should consider a position of leadership here, you seem to be asking the right questions, and have a vision of our future." "Leadership from anyone is something we should avoid like the plague." "Yes, but it will present itself."

 I know, and I dread it.

He paused for a second, it now looks like every time somebody does this, I'll end up regretting it. "I think it's only fair you tell me about Anna."

"OK, Doc, you're right. We have to bear our souls and confess here. I was infatuated with that movie, it just turned me upside down. It was a life changing event. I lost weight. Quit doing some things an old guy shouldn't do. I started to be more sociable, and realized that being alone wasn't for me anymore. But change is hard, and I was taking it one step at a time. Anna to me was a hero. Her determination to save her sister and Jesus-like sacrifice was inspiring, and in a way, I was in love with her. I tried to keep reality in check, she's a made-up fictional character. But why can't we aspire to be like her? She had many desirable qualities, that's why she's sitting in my living room right now. She was the embodiment of everything I wanted, warmth, a capacity for deep love, kindness, bravery, empathy, intelligence, and spunk. All wrapped in this beautiful shell. Her inner beauty equaled her outer beauty. And not the typical American version of beauty either. I guess that's why everyone was infatuated with her sister.

When I awakened here, I too felt I was dead. When I first seen the Habitat, I had a panic attack, if I would have been my old self, I would have had a heart attack. Then Anna showed up and I panicked again. Frankly, she is freakish, and I didn't know how to act. I feared she was one of them, or some kind of robot. Later that day I found myself running my fingers up her leg, she was positively silky, with skin like a baby. I just keep asking myself over and over, what did I do to deserve this?" I had to pause for a moment, what I would ask next could be embarrassing.  "By the sounds of your story, Doc, you DID deserve this. When Minoo showed up at your door, from what little I understand your religion, she would be a gift from Mohammad, and you would've welcomed her immediately." "That's fairly close, Michael, and no, I was expecting seventy-two of them." That was good for another laugh, I'm sure the other two heard that one. "Our first day was something of a train wreck. Oh,.. since your a doctor, this question may be appropriate. Did you examine Minoo physically?" I kinda' squirmed when I asked this, I was really uncomfortable asking it, but he is a doctor, I'd assume he'd be very curious about her construction, or so I thought. "No Michael, I still feel she is a gift, and I will not defile her." "Understood, but when Anna gets her new arm, I'd like for you to give her the once over. They should be cut from the same cloth, and as long as she's OK with it, I am too." "That would be acceptable, Michael. My own curiosity as to what they are is very high, but I do not want to risk the retention of my gift." "Again, understood. I think it's time we go visit again with the ladies, and Abzari, I've enjoyed this visit, and I hope we're one step closer to figuring all this out." "I as well, I did not know what to expect by coming here."  I just hoped I hadn't been too offensive, but we have to sweep that shit under the rug. I want to know what those crazy aliens are up to. I got up and opened the door for him. "Shall we?" We headed to the living room to two chatter-boxes. That's my Anna. Minoo said maybe six words for the half hour we talked. She certainly seems to have a way with people. "So, what have you two been talking about?" Minoo goes; "Weddings." Followed directly by Anna; "And babies!"

Facepalm.

I wanted an intelligent, cultured equal. I hope we have some way to do some reading in the future, we got a long way to go. But I have the feeling they were jerking our chain. That's something Anna would do, and the fact that Anna set us up like that was encouraging. So we said our goodbyes, while promising to do it again. We set up a run together in three days, and they left with smiles on their faces. We had them too.

Now if we can just do this with two hundred and forty eight more couples we'll be all set. I'm not holding my breath.

[rhediix]

My Rules:

For someone with an Orphan Disease there is a lot of things to consider. Here’s my own personal take on it.

• I know me. I know me better than you know me. I inhabit this body. My condition is called “Glycogen Storage Disease Type 2” or “Pompe Disease” •NOT• “I’ll just assume you can’t do something and dismiss it”. Godsakes! Let me flipping try!

• There is a very important difference between Muscular Dystrophy and GSD Type 2. They are related, but it’s NOT THE SAME. I feel it’s absolutely relevant to tell people EXACTLY the name of it when they ask. Maybe it’ll cajole them into asking questions and maybe they’ll have an interest in it and seek out info online and donate to the http://www.agsdus.org/join.php .

• If I’m taking a new drug or going for a new treatment DON’T tell me it’ll be fine. You don’t know, and I’m a realist. I read medical sites and drug information. I know the risks and I don’t need your platitudes. If you want to comfort me and tell me you feel bad for me, or say “I know you’re scared, I’m here for you” would be great.

• At the moment I DO NOT require the use of a walker. This may change suddenly without warning. But those things are unwieldy and are a pain to use, and actually slow me down further. They also make me bend over which doesn’t help my back any. Don’t assume I need one. Don’t take away my cane and give me one.

• I take frequent and persistent stops when walking, and if I’m in the grocery store (or anywhere with carts) and I’m walking (I prefer the auto carts but sometimes they are all in use) I seriously try and scope out poles or shelving in every aisle I go down to find places to park my cart so I can ram the cart into it and suck in a deep breath so I can continue.

• On another note. I move slow and I lumber along. It takes me about 30 minutes to walk three city blocks with rest breaks.

• I love outside. I’m inside most of the day, and unless I’m feeling really crummy, I want to go outside. Especially to places with people and life.

• I miss my friends and co-workers so damn much. I don’t miss the problems at my job one damn bit, and I never thought in a million years I could miss my friends and co-workers as much as I do.

• I miss being useful. So damn much. I was a FT Sales Associate. I did that for almost 14 years. Same company. Same store. I earned the respect and admiration of all my managers and staff. I was good at my job. Damn good. I will literally LEAP at the opportunity to talk shop. Beds? I’m your guy. Vacs? Yup. TV’s? I can do that. Fitness Equipment? That too. I know A LOT. If someone asks me; I will talk your ears off! I loved helping people and I still do. Everyone needs to feel useful.

• You can’t see my scars, but they’re there. Yeah, I can stand up when in a motorized cart in a store, yeah, I can forego it totally when it runs out of juice, and yeah I know I get looks for it. Go fuck yourself. Not every disability has big neon arrows pointing at it.

• Similarly, if you are overly religious. I respect you. That’s the choice you made. I’m agnostic. That’s the choice I made. I will let you pray for me, that’s fine. If that makes you feel better, I’m all for it. I draw the line at you placing your hands on me in a very crowded retail store and screaming Bible verses and telling Satan to “be gone from this man!” and carrying on. That’s uncomfortable and it makes a scene. I don’t want to cause a bigger scene by screaming at you to cut it out. So I have to take it (this has happened about four times in the past six months). • I have breathing problems. It’s why I need my bipap at night. In the day, the breaths are easier to control and usually are fine when seated. When walking, it can get overwhelming. I have a cane and it helps but sometimes I just can’t get enough air in. So then I have to put the can in front of me and push into it and get more air. It looks weird but it works.

• Don’t exclude me from activities. “Oh! You can’t go. It’s too much walking”. Look…they’ve probably got wheelchairs or auto carts, and if they don’t, I can buy a wheelchair for $20 from the internet or $5 at goodwill. Don’t tell me I can’t do something.

• I have a hellacious gastrointestinal issue. This means I’m never quite sure if what I put in me will have me writhing around in pain two hours later it cause heartburn or give me GI distress. I’d honestly prefer it if someone else chose what to eat. Unless I have an immediate response. Part of my frustration is being so unsure and pissing everyone off who wants something else.

• One last thing: Don’t assume since I have this disease that I can’t travel or take a goddamn vacation to get away from it and remind me I’m fucking human. It’s hard fighting this thing and constant ribbing that I can’t go on vacation (mainly my family’s objections) because of my condition is fucking stupid. They also bitch when I go to a casino or dinner out. Shit! I’m surprised they don’t bitch when I walk a foot out my damn door!

I felt I just needed to get that out.

Thank You.