#when you see someone reblogged one of those Platitude posts about ~people refusing to change~ but they’re the exact sort of person the post

[chantillyxlacey]

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[jadelyn]

No one is entitled to anyone else's success story

A lot of the "tumblr is anti-recovery" panic and moralizing is based around the idea that it's "dangerous" to younger people with MIs/chronic illness to see all us Bitter Old Crazies making jokes about NT Advice(tm) and acting like we're never gonna get better. And tbh it strikes me as similar to the recent moral panic about adult or triggering content in fandom spaces. Think of The Children! they cry. You're Being a Bad Influence!

But here's the thing. Nobody is entitled to someone else's success story. Kids with MIs do not have some kind of right to see adults with MIs successfully coping, and in the inverse, it's not our responsibility to hide our unsuccessful coping away from where impressionable kiddos might see it and be discouraged by it.

First of all, not everyone has a success story. Not everyone gets better. People might be able to improve, or they might not. And by classifying people who acknowledge their circumstances as being the best they're likely to get as "anti-recovery", you're literally trying to silence mentally ill people from talking about their own lives and experiences, just because you don't like to hear about it.

But even for those of us who do have success stories - like, I'm one of those. I dropped out of college and spent the first 10 years of my adult life living with partners and family, relying on others, driving a 20-year-old clunker of a car which I literally had to duct-tape pieces back onto sometimes, trying to work retail and temp jobs to get by when I could, but I never could hold anything down very long. About 5 years ago, I finally got treatment - meds, specifically, bc I'd had on and off therapy that only helped a little bit - for my depression. As of this year, I have graduated college with a 4-year degree, bought a newish car (10 yrs old sports car in good condition), held down a single job in my desired career field for almost 4 years, and I bought a house with my partner earlier this year. You couldn't ask for a more solid recovery story than that.

But, and this is key: I don't owe anyone the inspiration of my story. Existing in public as an adult who's turned my life around despite severe chronic mental illness doesn't obligate me to serve as a good example or role model to others with MIs. I often choose to take on that role, but it's a choice, and if I chose instead to keep it to myself, or to publicly vent my bitterness over the decade of life I've lost because of my illness, or vent my frustration with the useless NT advice I tried to follow and use to "fix" myself (to no avail) before finally getting proper treatment, then that's my right. This is my blog, my space, I'll tag things appropriately but I refuse to censor myself from talking about the reality of my mental illness, and if you don't wanna hear my negativity you know where to find the unfollow button.

And in fact, the responsibility in this situation lies not with the people talking, but with the people listening.

When I was in college and for a bit thereafter, I was part of a depression and mental illness forum. I don't remember the name of it anymore, but I spent time on it then like I spend time on Tumblr now. Talking with people, posting and replying. And a lot of it, as one might expect for a gathering of people with depression of varying degrees of severity and treatment resistance, was really negative.

And that was a space that helped and supported me for a good number of years. I could open up about my suicidal thoughts and urges to self-harm. I could receive caring and understanding from people who were like me, who never made me roll my eyes with Pollyanna-ish platitudes or offered empty sentiment to inspire "hope". If I felt hopeless, I could just fucking say that, could act like it. I didn't have to perform positivity for anyone or hide my struggles.

But there came a time, eventually, when I began to find the level of negativity to be harmful for me rather than helpful. I had changed, and I needed something different.

So you know what I did?

I didn't go around the forum and start telling people they were being too negative.

I didn't try to force people to perform hopefulness and positivity because it would be more beneficial for me personally.

I didn't scold people or accuse them of hindering my recovery.

I

Fucking

Left.

I left that forum. I said goodbye to my friends, gave people my offsite contact information, and I stopped visiting that forum altogether. Because I had reached a point in my recovery where that environment had gone from helpful to harmful, for me personally. So I took responsibility for my own recovery and my own progress, and I made the decision to move on and find the kind of environment that would be good for me at that point.

It's not quite so neat and discrete here on Tumblr, since so many people have personal blogs and reblog a variety of types of content, sometimes adding their contribution, sometimes not. Unless you strictly and only follow topic-specific blogs, you'll be exposed sometimes to things you didn't quite sign up for.

But even here, you're still responsible for you user experience. You have tools you can use. Blacklist certain tags or phrases or topics. Unfollow or block specific individuals. Do what you need to do, in order to create an environment on your dash that is healthy for you and meets your needs.

And that is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Yours. Not mine, not anyone else's. We are not responsible for creating an environment that meets your mental health needs. We are individuals who are allowed to talk shit and piss and moan about our lives on our own goddamn blogs if we want to. Which includes making morbid jokes, mocking shitty advice that we've received from NT people that was anywhere from useless to actively harmful, talking openly about our limitations, being honest about our hopes for recovery or lack thereof, and complaining about the relentless positivity that demands we continue to aspire to a NT model of Recovery(tm) even when we know damn well that's not a possibility for us.

You're not entitled to anyone else's success story for inspiration. If you want to hear success stories and positivity, find people who post that stuff and leave us Bitter Old Crazies the fuck alone.

[ratamusprimeeee]

Forgiveness

I reblogged a bunch of posts on forgiveness that all state the same platitude: forgive, but do not forget.  Forgiveness has been on my mind for the past few... years.  Until I graduated college, I simply alienated people without a single thought devoted to the word “forgiveness”.

While I have long forgiven my mother for giving me an eating disorder, inability to share my feelings, (arguably) a personality disorder that is so debilitating I can barely manage a normal relationship, and deep self-hatred, it has proven difficult for me to forgive others that aggravate the aforementioned conditions.  On some level, you could just say “These people are just aggravating your problems.  How can you hold them liable for your problems?” Although these issues are mine, and I am diligently working on them, there are many instances in which people without my conditions would agree that I had been wronged.

One guy drove me so crazy a few years ago that I fell into the single most abusive relationship of them all shortly after he and I split.  Were our problems largely driven by my personality disorder? Without question! I was reckless and impulsive and attention-seeking.  Did I begin to behave that way when I realized that this monster was a commitment-phobe? Absolutely! He pulled the trigger, and the bullet exploded.  As much agony as he caused me, I am grateful for the insight I gained on how not to speak to guys.  More importantly, how not to act if you want a normal relationship. Thank you, David, for the most gruesome mental beatdown of my dating history.  I forgive you solely because I learned my lesson: do not date guys named David - none of them ever work out! Just kidding - do not be unpredictable and manipulative, and abandon commitment-phobes... does anyone know why he texts me every few months to apologize and ask how I am doing? Beats me.

My outlook on forgiveness has taken a dramatic turn in recent years.  People like David really contributed to the shaping of my beliefs on the matter.  One of my mantras is “I am patient because I require patience.  I am affectionate because I require affection.  I am forgiving because I require forgiveness.” Yes, I admit to committing crimes that beg forgiveness.  By no stretch of the imagination do I dare to contend for a single second that I am infallible.  However, when I know that I have spoken or done something that could have deleterious effects on another person, I instantly look to apologize - sincerely.  In that moment, I acknowledge my faults and pray that the other person can see past them, but there are no guarantees.  

Others, I find, offer half-hearted apologies to me... after I call them out on whatever crime they committed.  This has been an ongoing theme with my friends and romantic relationships for years.  Is there something about me that warrants that behavior? Seemingly adamant refusal to own up for previous, egregious wrongs? I have spent so many hours asking myself those questions that I have determined that I require an outside opinion.  Nobody has been able to solve this mystery.  I take construction criticism extremely well and value it like no other - it’s not like I rip people’s heads off when they address my shortcomings.  In fact, I genuinely appreciate it, and immediately seek ways to improve myself.

At this point, I am eager to forgive for my own mental comfort.  Holding onto anger only hurts me.  The person that hurt me does not lose a drop of sleep over my suffering.  Thus, I let everything I can roll off my shoulders like sweat.  Better out than in.  

However, in the interest of not offering false-forgiveness, ultimately causing bitterness, I have developed a sort of defense mechanism.  When someone hurts me, especially if they turn out to be a repeat offender, I begin to build a small wall.  Do I continue to behave as I normally would? Yes, to the best of my ability.  I aspire to truly let the matter go and not harp over it to their face or, even worse, in my head.  As I said, the choice helps me, not them. Why keep someone around if forgiveness is not an option? Still, the wall builds up, one brick at a time.  There comes a point at which I simply do not care what the person says or does; they are dead to me through their own doing.  Elio and I reached this point.  The man that told me he wanted to marry me every day - but felt that dumping me was the appropriate response to any misconduct (real or, more commonly, drunkenly perceived) - was shocked when I told him “You’ve done this so many times that I just continue with my day as though I had never met you.  You beat the love out of me.”

The wall I form does not come from bitterness.  Rather, it serves as an act of self-preservation, even self-love.  When you remain unaffected by a stimulus, your day continues as usual.  No shift in the brain chemistry (my daily nightmare), nothing.  The wall allows me to slowly separate myself from that source of sadness, which ultimately morphs into frustration and resentment.  I fear resentment.  The wall allows me to detach, to keep that pain away from my very fragile heart.  It gives me the ability to stand beside the person and not worry about how their actions may affect me... because I no longer allow them to permeate my mind that way.  I can laugh with them, have sex with them, talk about their day with them... everything seems unaltered at the surface.  I simply stop caring, and it is the most comforting thing.  Painful, at first, without a doubt.  Unfortunately, the pain is necessary in order for future inner peace.  Love yourself enough to know when to draw lines and prioritize.  

Oddly enough, I would not wish others to follow my formula.  It is, in its own, sick, way harmful.  Rather, I would advise them to drop the ones that repeatedly hurt them as quickly as possible.  If I had more inner strength, I would dump those people immediately, but I don’t.  The wall allows me to slowly build myself up to that point of comfort.  Should the day come that they leave, I will not miss a beat.  In reality, I grow stronger every time.  While I hate to see people go, the old saying rings true: not every person you lose is a loss.  More often than not, it is for the best.  Hopefully, you learn something (I always do).

I want to forgive.  I want to care.  Sometimes, sadly, it is best to forgive without a care in the world.  Maybe the other person will make it up to you one day (it has happened to me many times!)... let the future hold what it will.  Stay positive and look for the good in everyone you meet.  Most importantly: do not assume that everyone is going to hurt you.  Knock the wall down if the other party changes - forgive in the most truthful way.