#when you consider how afraid adam is that he's going to kill gansey

[cabeswaterdrowned]

i just finished my 6th reread of trc and i have some questions ive always wondered about and i felt like it would be more appropriate to ask youre so involved in fandom and know everything about trc that i dont :)

the tree vision: ganseys and blues both came true but why did Adam’s not? (Ik the reverse of it came true when dream Ronan died in the church) and did Ronan ever have one?

When Noah and Ronan wrote murdered and remembered on the car were they talking about Noah or Niall?

when Ronan saw the devil was it actually the devil (as in was it real, was it a dream, etc)

your hc on Henry’s sexuality (personally I think he’s aro/ace but idk)

how you feel on Noah quietly slipping from time and being forgotten and being a ‘thin cold memory of a human” and all of that jazz

thank you for listening to my silly questions it means a lot!!!

Hiii thank you <3! I’ll do my best although I don’t think I have exact answers to some of these.

I think what the vision tree is left a little ambiguous but Ronan’s defining it as showing you the worst case scenario / what you fear most feels close to the mark, how I’m interpreting some of the visions happening and others not is the visions show you possibilities and so some come true and some don’t. Also Adam’s vision is different than Blue and Gansey’s in that we never learn exactly what it was he saw, we know what Ronan said in it and that he’d killed Gansey but we never learn if he saw himself literally killing Gansey and how or if it was something indirect he did that lead to his death, or  it was simply that he dreamt the sensation of feeling it was his fault Gansey was dead and Adam’s mind filled in the blanks (I think it could easily be either that the vision was so traumatic he blocked that out or that it only gave him minimum details and he filled in the blanks to be the worst thing, both feel like very Adam responses). So I think that vagueness does leave some more ambiguity re: whether or not some of it actually happened in pieces besides obviously a version of it coming true in Ronan’s dream. Also this is just like a thought that I’ve considered not necessarily like a school of thought I’m married to or something with a lot of evidence, but one possible interpretation of that is because of Gansey and Ronan’s shifting roles in Adam’s life the vision came true with Ronan instead. BLLB is where aside from Persephone Ronan becomes the primary (obviously unconventional) emotional support in Adam’s life and Adam’s feelings for him develop + Adam starts being afraid of hurting Ronan, and in TRB Gansey is the first person Adam’s ever loved and who has supported Adam and he’s afraid of hurting him. So I think there’s a possible argument that the fear Adam has that’s at the root of the vision of becoming like his father and hurting those he loves stays true in both events

I take it they were both talking about Noah but Ronan’s could also have an element of grief over Niall mixed in, since it was probably triggered a bit by losing Noah and Niall died near a car.. there’s no Ronan pov then obviously so we don’t know for sure.

Again don’t think it’s ever specified but I take that as Niall dreamt what he imagines the devil looks like and Ronan saw it and thought of it as real, which does feel like it would fit with their whole relationship so I like that interpretation. Truthfully we do not know lol it could have really been the devil.

I don’t have a set in stone Henry sexuality hc although I can definitely see ace/aro readings based on that henrysexual line. I do go for the common reading of him being into both Gansey and Blue, so if I was going to define my take on his sexuality rn would say biromantic and on the ace spectrum, but I think I could read him as any sexuality other than straight in a fic and be fine with it. 

I generally think Noah’s ending is really good, fitting and bitter sweet .. it is really sad the gang don’t remember him but he sacrifices himself for people he loved and who loved him even if they don’t remember, rather than dying the first time. I don’t have a lot of thoughts on the specifics of how he passed through time though 

[crimeronan]

was musing about adam loving gansey and rafi wanted me to post my thoughts here so:

adam loving gansey and all the wonderful and painful complications that come from that

these thoughts are mostly cobbled together from me being emo in group chat messages so this probably won’t be the most cohesive put-together analysis, it’s just.  a dump of all my thoughts about adam loving gansey

i’ve read and written a lot of meta about gansey being the first person to show adam uncomplicated love

but there’s also this: gansey was the first person adam ever loved.  adam had never had any connections or emotional roots in anything until gansey

and now i’m gonna grab my messages by putting them in linear order of gansey and adam’s relationship timeline rather than the order i sent them because they’re spread across two chats and all over the place

-

i fucking ADORE the gansey and adam meeting scene it's one of my fave in the books that i can go back to and dissect over and over anyway what i'm thinking about is how gansey interacted with him and how that intersected w/ class and privilege and adam's assumptions like

gansey asking adam to show him how to fix his car because he recognizes adam has a skillset he doesn't and attributes no class dynamics to it whatsoever, adam knows something he doesn't and can teach him something he's been wanting to learn and adam's knowledge is a respectable impressive wonderful thing

 (also, on a lesser note, how gansey wanting to speak the camaro's language immediately Gets the part of adam that needs to understand and connect everything put in front of him)

how when adam tells gansey he's working as a mechanic to put himself through school (AND WHAT AN IMMEDIATE SHOW OF VULNERABILITY THAT WAS JESUS) gansey's awed and impressed and a little intimidated by adam's drive, how gansey's response to adam being a scholarship kid isn't "oh lol you're a poor local you're not like me" it's "oh holy shit you're so fucking smart"

like.  hhhhhh. hhhhhhhhhhhhHhhh.  thinkin about adam's headspace.  how tense he was at the start of the interaction and how tense he's been trying to fit in at aglionby every single day of his life and then going home to a violent hostile place he also doesn't fit like.  so much of adam is so spiky and defensive and constantly braced for an attack

and gansey being the first person in adam's life who's ever not only NOT made adam feel like he needs to apologize for or explain himself but ALSO seen value and worth in the choices adam's made for himself and the person he's trying to be and how adam's like i am going to love everything about you so much so fiercely so acceptingly even if it kills me because that's how you love me

and gansey has no idea about any of that because why would he, he wasn't making a grand gesture or trying to manipulate, he was just..... being gansey

-

the fact that this is The First also means that adam doesn’t have any prior lived experiences to tell him what love is supposed to feel like.  when what he and gansey have is painful he accepts it because he doesn’t have the context to know that love isn’t supposed to cause pain.  the same is true of gansey, who never doubted his parents’ love but who, prior to ronan, had never really experienced honest and open and unquestioningly loving relationships

adam doesn't have any idea how to navigate love or boundaries or friendships or how to accept help or what's okay to accept like.... adam's core rock is his own set of principles and he uses those as his rules because he is COMPLETELY adrift when it comes to understanding other people or relationships or the give and take of them.  adam needs to live by strict occasionally irrational sets of semi-neurotic rules because he literally does not have ANY lived experiences that can help him here

adam is like okay i can control what i do and i can't control what gansey does but i can control what gansey does to me.  if gansey violates those rules it's game over.  but if gansey occasionally seems thoughtlessly cruel or malicious or ignorantly classist or any number of other things that's fine i'm gonna call him on it but accept and live with it because he's gansey and he accepts and lives with all my shit because i'm adam

which causes the majority of the push and pull tension that exists between them for like the whole series

-

that it’s not until the THIRD BOOK that adam even REALIZES that gansey EXPERIENCES FEAR and what that means for them - so much of gansey’s core motivation is based in fear.  gansey’s terrified all the time.  most of gansey’s worst mistakes are born of frustration and anger that, underneath, are rooted in terror

and adam doesn’t understand that.  adam truly believes that the hurt gansey’s inflicted has been because there is a part of gansey that is so ignorantly privileged and desperate for control and ownership of things, that gansey is always self-assured and never afraid, that gansey wants to possess him. and adam chooses to love gansey regardless because he knows that gansey is giving him that same acceptance, and he’s thinking well, we can tolerate the ugly parts of each other, they don’t ruin the good

adam has no idea how afraid gansey is.  adam has such a fundamental misunderstanding of gansey, here, and it makes gansey a much more unpleasantly-sketched person than he actually is, and even so it never even occurs to adam not to love him

-

gansey was the first truly precious thing adam ever wanted to keep

-

adam had no attachments to anything!!  he had nothing!!  literally all he had was himself and his ambition and his escape plan, he had NOTHING he loved and no interest in putting down any roots anywhere 

like, he loved ideas and cars and the concept of a financially successful future but he didn't have a single real meaningful connection to any other person or any piece of the world and he didn't believe love was something that existed or if it did it certainly shouldn't be prioritized

and then the SECOND gansey gave adam unconditional warmth and acceptance adam immediately and actively decided he was gonna love and accept everything about gansey forever because gansey was worth keeping 

and all it took was ten minutes of honest connection and warmth that's ALL IT TOOK 

because adam wasn't being cold or callous or removed by nature he just had literally never been shown unquestioning kindness in his life and did not know it EXISTED

gansey was the first person/place/thing where adam ever put down any permanent roots 

he was - at least until adam befriended noah - the entire shape of adam's ability to love and connect with anything

ALSO FROM THERE THAT accepting all the pieces of gansey including the yearning and the wanderlust and the quest adam doesn't even really believe in and then gansey leading adam to cabeswater??  i need to walk into the ocean

-

so much of adam's terror and ferocity wrt gansey's safety and fear of hurting/killing gansey takes on a whole new life when you stop and realize gansey's the first person adam's ever loved like this

(not the last, obviously, there's noah and then blue and then ronan, but gansey being The First matters)

it also makes me wonder if any of adam's fear of gansey hurting him is projecting because for the most part i read lines like "he likes all his things in one place" as a really EXCELLENT dissection of classism and privilege and power dynamics and freedom and independence and everything therein

but adam looking desperately and helplessly at gansey like "here's this thing i love so much and i don't know how not to ruin it.  i don't know how not to hurt anything"

-

adam following gansey with an attitude of “i don’t believe in magic but i accept that you do so i’m along for the ride” and then that faith in gansey leading him to cabeswater and deeply rooted emotional magic and connection

is the narrative’s direct external parallel for adam following gansey with an attitude of “i don’t believe in love but i accept that you do so i’m along for the ride,” and then through that connection finding other people he loves and finding things he loves and learning to love himself and love the world and build connections and feel awake and alive and meaningful

adam risked everything to give his love to gansey and even despite the varying pain it caused, adam being brave enough to take that leap and give that piece of himself just that first time -- that’s what led him to eventual healing and self actualization.  not gansey himself, but adam’s active conscious choice to love gansey.  to take that risk

gansey being the first person that adam loved matters a Whole Fucking Lot.

[literatureandmonsters]

Monsters and Self-Acceptance in YA Lit: The Dream Thieves

The word monster “derives from the Latin monstrum, which is related to the verbs monstrare (‘show’ or ‘reveal’) and monere (‘warn’ or ‘portend’) [1].” Monsters have been a staple of our stories for hundreds of years. What do monsters, specifically in stories for young adults, warn us against? 

The Dream Thieves, a 2012 YA novel by Maggie Stiefvater, explores how monsters in literature can meaningfully characterize self-loathing and illuminates the path to overcoming it. The Dream Thieves is the second novel in a young adult fantasy series that follows a group of friends on their quest to find and obtain a wish from a mythical king said to be sleeping in the hills of western Virginia. In the second book, the friends learn that one of them, Ronan, has the ability to take things from his dreams; however, Ronan has little control over this ability and frequently brings monsters out of his nightmares. These monsters, I will argue, represent Ronan’s self-hatred and the journey he takes to tame these monsters is a meaningful tale of self-acceptance. 

In the first scene involving these monsters, we see one of Ronan’s dreams quickly turn into a nightmare. "Ronan could hear the night horrors coming, in love with his blood and his sadness. Their wings flapped in time with his heartbeat... Ronan was afraid of [them] in a ... permanent way that came from being killed by them again and again in his head.” When he accidentally brings two of the monsters out of his nightmare, he has to explain to his friends that “they come when I’m having a nightmare... They hate me. In the dreams, they’re called night horrors.’” Since the night horrors Ronan dreams of loath him, when he brings these monsters out of his dreams, he is essentially creating a physical manifestation of the hatred he feels towards himself.  

We do not immediately learn why Ronan is filled with so much resentment towards himself. The prologue, however, reveals that “Ronan Lynch lived with every sort of secret.” His first is that he has the ability to take things from his dreams, but we also learn that he has a “harder kind of secret. One you keep from yourself.” Both secrets are intertwined with Ronan’s monstrosity and his self-hatred. 

The first secret about his magical ability makes Ronan view himself as a monster:

“It was not the easiest thing to take only one thing from a dream… To bring any of the things from his nightmares — no one but Ronan knew the terrors that lived in his mind. Plagues and devils, conquerors and beasts. Ronan had no secret more dangerous than this… He remembered what Gansey had said: You incredible creature! Creature was a good word for him, Ronan thought. What the hell am I?” 

He remembers the words his closest friend told him when Ronan showed him something he dreamed for the first time: “You incredible creature!” Later, in church, “Ronan closed his eyes to be blessed” and silently prays, “please God what am I tell me what I am." Ronan’s strange ability allows him to take monsters from his nightmares, but it also causes leads him to view himself as a monster or creature. This ability also makes him constantly wonder what exactly he is. Later in the novel, a character looks at Ronan and plainly says “I know what you are.”  

This character is Joseph Kavinsky, a classmate of Ronan and his friends and an antagonistic force in their lives. At the beginning of the book, Kavinsky, as he is called, is mainly known for his wild parties and fast cars, and frequently street-races Ronan. After one of these races, the night horror that escaped from Ronan’s dreams in the first scene attacks him. Kavinsky drives up and shoots the night horror dead. As they are driving away from the scene, Kavinsky tells Ronan, “I know what you are,” and subsequently reveals that he, too, can take things out of his dreams, that the very car they are riding away in was dreamed up by him. Suddenly, Ronan is not alone. He still does not have a word for what he is, the “creature” that he is still does not have a name, but Ronan is no longer the only one. In fact, one of the first questions Ronan asks Kavinsky is “are there others?” However, Kavinsky just replies, “hell if I know.”  Despite his strong dislike of Kavinsky, Ronan is relieved. He is also disturbed that his secret – something only his friends know – is out. “Ronan’s heart twitched convulsively. It couldn’t seem to get used to this secret being the opposite of one.” But as we know from the prologue, this secret is Ronan’s only secret.  

We do not learn for sure what this concealed secret is until almost the end of the novel. After Kavinsky teaches Ronan how to take things from his dreams more deliberately, Ronan goes back to his friends. In a tense exchange as Ronan is leaving, Kavinsky says, “you don’t fucking need him” meaning Ronan’s best friend, Gansey. To this, Ronan responds “Wait. You thought- it was never gonna be you and me. Is that what you thought?” This interaction marks the end of friendly relations between the two dreamers and leads us closer to discovering Ronan’s second secret.

During the climax of the book, Ronan and Kavinsky meet in the dreamspace where they both take things from. Ronan asks Kavinsky “What’s here, K? Nothing! No one!” to which Kavinsky replies “Just us.” Ronan contemplates Kavinsky’s response: “There was a heavy understanding in that statement, amplified by the dream. I know what you are, Kavinsky had said.” This contemplation leads to the Ronan admitting his second secret:

‘That’s not enough,’ Ronan replied.

‘Don’t say Gansey, man. Do not say it. He is never going to be with you. And don’t tell me you don’t swing that way, man. I’m in your head.’

‘That’s not what Gansey is to me,’ Ronan said.

‘You didn’t say you don’t swing that way.’

Ronan was silent. Thunder growled under his feet. ‘No, I didn’t.’” 

Up until this point, Ronan has not said aloud - or even thought about - the second secret mentioned in the prologue, but in this climactic scene of the novel, Ronan replies with, “no, I didn’t.” We now see that the secret Ronan kept from himself is about his sexuality. This revelation sheds light on why Ronan’s mind was filled with monsters that hated him, and casts light on another reason why he also viewed himself as a monster.

The author, Maggie Stiefvater, has said that the most important part of writing her stories is “getting into the reader’s head and moving the emotional furniture around.” As book reviewer Lee Mandelo notes, in regards to Ronan’s “sexuality, his secrets from others and himself, his attraction to Adam and Kavinsky in equal and terrifying measures” Stiefvater is “‘moving the emotional furniture around’ while the reader isn’t looking.” While we haven’t seen Ronan contemplating his sexuality in any part of the book, we realize that the parts we have seen (Ronan’s shame, self-hatred, and fear of his secrets being revealed) all tie into his sexuality as well. Ronan remembers Kavinsky’s earlier statement, “I know what you are,” but where before it meant that Kavinsky knew Ronan was a dreamer, here it means he knows he is gay. Stiefvater continues this emotional work after we realize the reason for Ronan’s self-loathing. 

After Ronan’s “no, I didn’t,” Kavinsky, spurned by Ronan, takes a monster of his own from the dreamspace. Ronan knows that the monster, now in reality, poses a great threat to his friends in the waking world. Ronan needs to dream up something to combat Kavinsky’s monster; Then a night horror appears. Since these monsters “never want anyone else,” Ronan laments, “this won’t save anyone.” A friend in the dreamspace tells Ronan, “‘It’s only you. Why do you hate you?’” The statement “it’s only you” cements the supposition that Ronan’s night horrors are an extension of himself, particularly the part of himself that loathes what he is (both a dreamer, and gay, as we now know).  However, Ronan considers what his friend says and in response to “why do you hate you?” concludes, “I don’t.” When Ronan wakes up he brings the night horror with him, but this time the monster does not set out to kill him. It saves his friends from Kavinsky’s monster. “The fire dragon pitched towards Gansey and Blue. Ronan didn’t have to shout to his night horror. It knew what Ronan wanted. It wanted exactly what Ronan wanted. Save them.” The night horror had always “wanted exactly what Ronan wanted,” but it is only after Ronan realizes that he does not hate himself anymore, that the night horrors do not wish him harm. 

The other dreamer, Kavinsky, does not get the self-acceptance arc that Ronan does. Ronan’s journey of self-acceptance quite literally saves his life when he tames the dream monsters that represented his self-hatred. The opposite happens with Kavinsky. Kavinsky shares both parts of Ronan’s identity that gave him so much shame and self-hatred: a gay teenage boy, who is also a dreamer. Kavinsky does not have a “I don’t” moment regarding his self-hatred, and while Ronan’s monster learn to obey him, Kavinsky’s monster (and perhaps his self-hatred) destroys him. As the two dream monsters combat, Ronan notices that Kavinsky is standing purposefully in the path of destruction. Ronan shouts to Kavinsky to get down, but “Kavinsky didn’t look away from the two creatures. He said, ‘The world’s a nightmare.’ A second later, the fire dragon exploded into him. It went straight through him, around him, flame around an object. Kavinsky fell. He crumpled to his knees and then slumped gracelessly off the car.” Ronan remarks that “Kavinsky was dead. But he had been dying since Ronan met him. They both had been.” Both characters started off in the same place: depressed, amazed yet terrified at their ability to bring things from their dreams, coping with alcohol and street racing, mired in self-hatred and internalized homophobia, but only one of the characters makes it out.

The opposite endings Ronan and Kavinsky receive show the dangers of not accepting yourself and warn us of the self-hatred that often comes with having a marginalized identity. This story is steeped in a magic: there’s dreamworlds and kings and nightmare monsters, but it is a story completely applicable to real life. Ronan also starts off wondering “what am I?” and worrying that the answer is a “creature.” This parallels how certain identities can make one a monster in the eyes of society. Thankfully, Ronan realizes that he is not a monster for either secret or for either piece of his identity.

When I read The Dream Thieves for the first time years ago, I was somewhere between my own “no, I didn’t” realization, but before my “I don’t” moment. I was so moved by Ronan’s story. After watching Ronan progress through The Dream Thieves, burdened by the secrets he will not admit and terrorized by the monsters of his own creation, we can rejoice when he tames his monsters, accepts himself, and realizes he does not deserve his hatred. I can only hope that young readers will look at how undeserving Ronan is of his self-loathing and how he unlearns it, and undertake that same journey themselves.  

This story lays a roadmap for young readers to forgo the self-loathing they may feel at certain aspects of themselves. Reader can to find love and adoration for characters who have yet to find love for themselves, and in watching these characters find ways to accept shunned and monstrous parts of themselves, they can be encouraged to embark on their own journeys of banishing self-hared.

Perhaps this is why there are so many memorable stories of monsters being transformed by love and self-acceptance, such as the recent The Shape of Water and the enduring Beauty and the Beast. Regarding this last story, psychologist John Gressel P.h.D., says the story encourages us to “find the beauty in the beasts in our lives.” He tells readers to

“Think of some part of you or your life that you don't like, can't accept, wish were otherwise… some aspect of yourself or your circumstances that has you feeling trapped, that you hate, that you want to go away or to escape from. According to this tale… you must learn to love this very thing you currently hate... Until you do, you are trapped in this prison cell of not accepting yourself or your life as it is. It is only through this kind of self acceptance, genuine and complete, that… we can unite with this previously unacceptable feature of our lives and live happily ever after. This is when that which we despise is transformed into something beautiful.”

In Beauty and the Beast, the Beast is literally transformed by earning Belle’s true love. As Gressel points out, Beauty and the Beast – and I would argue Twilight and The Dream Thieves –encourage the reader to “learn to love [the] very thing you currently hate.” Monster stories geared towards young people, whether in classics from the 1800s or in modern Young Adult novels, are a great opportunity to warn young readers of the dangers of self-hatred and the power of loving and accepting yourself.

In The Dream Thieves, Ronan’s self-hatred is literally a threat against his life. His dreams are filled with monsters that hate him as much as he hates himself, and he has to contend with these monsters when he brings them into his waking life. After accepting his sexuality, his monsters – and his self-hatred – are transformed similarly to how Gressel describes the meaning of monster stories happening when something “we despise is transformed into something beautiful.”

[abarbaricyalp]

To Be Seen As We Are

@pynchpromptweek

Pynch, Prompt: Hurt/Comfort, Rated: M

Warnings: Discussions of canon typical abuse/self harm/violence, vomiting before the cut

Not quite NSFW, but mature discussions and intimate touching

AO3 Link

By some ungrace, Ronan and Adam hadn’t gotten much further than making out and holding onto each other’s fingers or face or hair by the Christmas break, hadn’t gotten to slip under shirts and cling to shoulder blades and trace ribs, too afraid that wandering hands would find the weak spot in this happy mirage. That, plus the fact that Adam still spent most of his time in the Aglionby uniform or coveralls, two of the most difficult outfits for Ronan to get his hands under. But over the break, while Adam half moved into the Barns and suddenly disregarded his uniform for a whole month, they, and their hands, had gotten braver.

Adam supposed he should’ve said something instead of just tensing up .2 seconds before  Ronan's calloused hands found the raised line of skin scarred over. And then another and another and another. All the way down his back, crisscrossing and becoming each other. He froze. Adam froze. 

"I-um-I..." Ronan started, but had no words. Gently, he moved Adam out of his lap, into the soft downy of Ronan’s bed, the blanket that had kept him warm and safe for ages before he’d left, for the same years Adam was… He made a dash for the bathroom. He didn't make it to the toilet, but the sink worked just as well as he heaved back out whatever take out they'd dug out of the fridge.

Adam stared off at the wall the bathroom door was set in, unable to bring his eyes to Ronan’s shaking back. He knew should’ve said something, at least mentioned it, but he hadn’t expected Ronan to react with such revolusion to one of Adam’s darkest secrets laid bare like that. Ronan, who had taken everything in such stride--an angry scowl when Adam showed up with a blackened cheek, the quiet deliberate revision of his behavior if he ever caught Adam flinching when he spoke too loudly or moved too quickly--had suddenly found his limit with how broken Adam was.

He had to let go of the blanket when he realized the seams were beginning to pull apart. When he heard the water turn on in the bathroom, he slowly stood up. Every part of him wanted to run out the door and never look Ronan in the face again, but Ronan was still coughing in the bathroom and he went to him instead.

“Wash your mouth out,” he said as he stepped behind Ronan, running his hand over the other’s back and then fixing the tank top he’d rucked up a few minutes ago.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him,” Ronan snarled into the sink bowl.

Adam blinked and some part of his traitorous heart that didn’t want to be the victim loosened. “Wash your mouth,” he repeated.

Ronan’s knuckles went white on the edge of the faux-marble countertop and Adam quickly placed his hand over Ronan’s. “If I ever see that shitstain in public, I’m going to fucking kill him.”

He straightened up suddenly, sending Adam almost stumbling backwards, and then pulled him into a tight hug. For a moment, Adam was so lost and confused, his arms didn’t come up to Ronan’s waist. But slowly his body at least decided that it knew this. It knew pressing close to Ronan’s chest and taking heat and love from him.

“Adam, we knew for so long what was happening. I think about what we allowed to happen, what happened because we didn’t speak up, all the time and it makes me sick,” Ronan muttered into Adam’s hair.

“Are you sure it’s not me who makes you sick?” Adam asked quietly, muffling against Ronan’s neck.

Ronan physically jolted away, hands up coming up to Adam’s shoulders to keep them close. “What? What the fuck, Parrish? Of course it’s not you. Why would it ever be you?”

Adam brought the heel of his hand up to his eyes and quickly wiped away at the tears he was gearing up to deny. “I’m not an idiot. I know scars aren’t nice to look at. And you’d look at scars on my back a lot.” Eventually. Hopefully. God, what was wrong with him, talking about that kind of thing right now?

Ronan continued to stare at him, jaw a little loose, eyes very bright. “Are you kidding me?” he asked and reached for Adam’s hand, folding his fingers firmly over the scars that cut across his forearms. “I’m the last person who can say shit about scars. I mean, God, Adam, you let me hold you all the time. You hold my arms every night we fall asleep. I don’t mind scars.” They had more than enough between them for a lifetime, and those were just the ones they could see.

Adam had never considered Ronan’s scars the way he thought about his own. Ronan’s scars were just a part of him, a story he missed by a few months. Sometimes he thought about whether or not things would’ve been different if he’d started at Aglionby a year before he did, and sometimes at night, he stared at Ronan’s face and tried to decide if he was still dreaming of a way out, but those were the few times Adam actively even noticed the scars. The rest of the time, it was just Ronan and his body. He didn’t like to think he almost didn’t get Ronan.

Ronan brought his hand up to Adam’s cheek, holding him like he was something worth taking care of. “I care about you so much. A few scars aren’t going to drive me away. I’m just...so angry at everything about your situation.”

“It’s done, Ro,” Adam muttered, quiet and serious. He felt a little foolish, but it was drowned out by how raw he felt, ready to flinch at every word that sounded like goodbye. “There’s no going back and changing things. And I’ve...made peace with it. He can’t hurt me again.”

Ronan shook his head and hugged Adam again. “I’m angry at everyone. You dad, Gansey, the cops, the jury, but mostly me. I’m sorry.”

Adam contemplated that. Telling Ronan there was nothing for him to be sorry about would do no good. Instead, he said, “Wash your mouth.”

And Ronan finally listened, spitting mouthwash mostly anywhere but the sink. “Can I look at them?” he asked softly, looking suddenly younger, like a boy Adam only heard about from Gansey.

Adam nodded and brought Ronan back to the bedroom, kneeling on his bed. Ronan followed after him, knees pressed against Adam’s, and he reached for Adam’s hands. Adam pressed his fingers under Ronan’s bracelets.

“When I first started dreaming about guys, y’know, in a hot way, I could never see the guy’s face,” Ronan said softly, looking at where Adam’s fingers were tracing over his skin. “And I always covered his eyes, like I didn’t want him to see me. It wasn’t right. He wasn’t right.” He looked up at Adam’s face, at the hurt and hope there. “I want you to see me, Adam. All of me. And I want to see you,” he said.

Adam shifted to crawl into Ronan’s lap, thighs hot and tight around Ronan’s hips as he reached for the hem of Ronan’s tank top. When Ronan’s fingers found the hem of Adam’s shirt, he looked at him seriously. “Are you sure?” he asked.

“Parrish, if I don’t get my mouth on the rest of your freckles right now, I’m gonna go mad and you’re gonna have to put me in a hospital,” Ronan said and finally the corner of Adam’s mouth tilted up. He pulled his shirt off and Ronan met him immediately for a messy, clashing  kiss, fingers burning against bare skin and shoulders brushing shoulders.

Adam worried suddenly again, about the scar by his collarbones where it broke once and never healed properly or the small burns on his shoulders, but then Ronan’s mouth found a cluster of freckles at his armpit and a birthmark on his sternum and he traced his collarbones without even pausing at the scar. Adam had never considered that there were things to love in his skin too.

Ronan’s hand found the small of his back, pressed flat over a pile of scars, and he slowly lowered Adam back into the bed, moving to straddle him at the same time and then getting his mouth on his chest again. “I wanna memorize you,” he breathed and the huskiness of it went right through Adam like a lightning bolt. Ronan’s mouth continued down the flat line of Adam’s sternum, following the curve of his pectoral muscles, coming back to experimentally lav his tongue over Adam's nipple. He needed to stop. He was getting light headed with want and adoration. Probably, he thought, there was no blood left in his head at this point.

“Turn over,” he finally said and Adam did. He could feel the bed shift as Ronan sat back and a few seconds later, his hands were tracing the old lines of belts and cords that had cut across his back years and years ago.

“It was only a few years. Around when I started high school. I don’t know why he picked it up, or why he stopped,” he explained softly, pillowing his arms under his head. “He’d make me count until I couldn’t anymore. And then he’d keep going in case I was faking it.” He remembered the nights vividly. They were loud and endless. A neighbor confronting him was probably the only reason he stopped.

Ronan’s fingers curled around Adam’s ribs and the bed shifted again before Ronan was suddenly dragging his lips over the scars, tip to bottom for each one, slowly and entirely. Despite the nerve damage under the scars, the skin between them sang with pleasure as Ronan’s warm breath and warmer mouth touched on it and eventually he dragged a whole moan from Adam’s throat, stifled though it was.

“One day, I’m going to have you laid bare and I’m gonna learn every secret you have to tell,” Ronan murmured, pressing his face to Adam’s ribs, where he could feel his stuttering breath.

“How many secrets do you think I have?” Adam asked, though he knew they were both still brimming with them. “I don’t want to keep anything from you, Lynch,” he murmured honestly.

Ronan nodded, skin brushing skin--an acknowledgement, an agreement--and leaned up to kiss Adam deeply over his shoulder. “Want a secret?” he asked, like they were actually bartering in gossip and stories.

“A Lynch secret?” Adam asked.

“My secret,” Ronan said. “I’m so in love with you, Adam Parrish.”

Adam turned back over, not hiding the scars on his back, but exposing the cage of his erratic beating heart and all the beauty and hurt of it. “I see you, Ronan Lynch. I see you.”

[trb-reacts]

The Raven Boys, Chapter 12

Adam wasn’t waiting by the bank of mailboxes in the morning.

Oh no. Please tell me Adam was fine and wasn’t caught. Tell me no one hurt our sweet, elegant boy. 

Actually, more properly, he’d used it as a place to turn around and head back the way he’d come. […] At the sight of Gansey’s Aglionby sweater, Adam’s father had charged out, firing on all cylinders.

Lol, oh, Gansey, turn around and head back the way he’d come. I’m also just very afraid for Adam though. If Adam’s father reacts this way to Gansey in his Aglionby sweater, just how exactly does Adam’s father react to Adam attending Aglionby?

For weeks after that, Ronan had called Gansey “the S.R.F.,” where the S stood for Soft, the R stood for Rich, and the F for something else.

Lol, something else, huh?

His watch said he had eighteen minutes to make the fifteen-minute drive to school.

It’s okay, Gansey, I’ve done 10 minute walks within 5 minutes, because I always leave the house too late and have no sense of time. I managed, though, and made it on time, with 2 minutes of lateness. Yay me. 

Noah had let him leave his journal behind at Nino’s after all, and its absence was surprisingly unsettling.

I’m sorry, Gansey, but how old are you? Noah let you leave your journal behind? Have a sense of responsibility, would you, tho I would admit that I would be exceedingly upset if I lost my journal full of my writings.

And Dick Gansey II had let his son know that if he couldn’t hack it in a private school, Gansey was cut out of the will.

He’d said it nicely, though, over a plate of fettuccine.

Oh, the rich people’s version of B+?? You only got a B+?? Only Asians get the threat of a beating (semi-kidding), while rich people get the threat of a fortune taken away with they get below a B. I wonder which one is worse. 

He felt the old fear creeping slowly out of his lungs.

Don’t panic. You were wrong about Ronan last night. You have to stop this. Death isn’t as close as you think.

… I would like to be reassuring and tell Gansey he’s right, except Whelk’s friend did die when they went on their quest to search for the king. And I mean, a beating and death is not that far apart for Adam, is it? I’m concerned, especially with this unexpected radio silence.

Adam must’ve taken his bike, he must’ve had work, he must’ve had errands to run and forgotten to tell him. The rutted drive down to the neighborhood was still empty. Come on, Adam. Wiping his palms on his slacks, he put his hands back on the steering wheel and headed for the school.

Gansey, I’m admittedly a little disappointed in you. School > friend? I mean, I get it, I’m a student crazy about my grade too and most of the time, the worse case scenario isn’t usually actually what happens, though, Gansey? You called him out last night, knowing that consequences would be bad if Adam was caught. You called him, asked him for a favor from one friend to another, and Adam granted it, gave it to you without much more than a second thought for his own wellbeing, because you asked. And now you leave your wait for Adam, without knowing what happened to him at all? You coulda at least went by Adam’s home to see if he is there and then walk in late to class, though I admittedly don’t know how well rich boarding schools take walking in late to class.  

Ronan was head of class in Latin. He studied joylessly but relentlessly, as if his life depended on it. Directly behind him was Adam, Aglionby’s star pupil, otherwise at the top of every class that he took. Like Ronan, Adam studied relentlessly, because his future life did depend on it.

He studied joylessly but relentlessly, as if his life depended on it. Oh, me in every single one of my classes. Joyless and relentless, because my future life depends on it. Not the star pupil like Adam, though I try. 

I’m also getting the Ronan/Adam vibe again. Adam, top in every single one of his class except for Latin, the only class that Ronan tries and therefore excels at. I wonder if Adam gets infuriated by Ronan, the way Ronan doesn’t care about anything including his own talent and intelligence, but shines so brightly when he does try like a light flickering to life at night. 

…. Would it be a stretch if I add ‘and Adam is helpless drawn by it, like moth to flame.’? Probably, but I don’t care. Ronan probably won’t burn Adam much tho. Probably. Hopefully. 

He’d originally resigned himself to taking Latin in order to translate historical texts for Glendower research, but Ronan’s proficiency at the language robbed Gansey’s study of any urgency.

I’m so both amazed by Gansey’s dedication to his reasearch to even consider learning an entire other language (i understand how tough learning another language could be, since I suck at it, even without considering reading and writing formal text in another foreign language) and amused by Gansey’s typical student laziness. I don’t need to take it? Great, not gonna bother then, thank you very much. 

Ronan hissed, “Where’s Parrish?”

Oh, no. Adam!! Also, Ronan cares~

Behind Gansey, someone punched his shoulder blade and said, Gansey boy! as they trotted by. Gansey halfheartedly lifted three fingers, the signal of the rowing team.

Gansey boy! Lol. Also, Gansey’s in the rowing team? He is popular.

A few months earlier, Gansey had offered to buy Adam a cell phone, and by so doing had launched the longest fight they’d ever had, a week of silence that had resolved itself only when Ronan did something more offensive than either of them could accomplish.

I’m so… I don’t know. I understand why Adam would be like, fuck you, I’m not a charity case, but at the same time… sometimes when you see your friend struggling, it physically hurts to have the means to help and just not be allowed to help. Gansey should say stuff like, “Oh, it’ll be easier to help me contact you, which would aid us in our quest. Also, think of this as me investing in you. You can pay me back for the phone later.’ Or just… sell Adam one of his old phone for cheap, idk. 

This reminds me of *spoiler if you haven’t read The Foxhole Court* Andrew buying Neil a phone and Neil looking at it like it’s the devil the first time around. Though, to be fair, Neil and Adam are in different circumstance here. 

Also, I’m so amused by this: a week of silence that had resolved itself only when Ronan did something more offensive than either of them could accomplish. Glad to see Ronan’s antagonistic nature has its perks. No one can seem offensive when in comparison to me!

Thank you, Ronan, thank you. 

“Lynch!” the call came again. “I’m going to fuck you up.”

Wow, that’s… a very strong sentiment. Also, wow, I just noticed but Ronan’s last name is Lynch. Lynch, as in, *give me a second to google the formal definition* 

lynch /verb/:

(of a mob) kill (someone), especially by hanging, for an alleged offense with or without a legal trial.

synonyms: execute illegally, hang, kill; informal string up

“he was lynched by the mob”

Lynch, with all those good feels here. The word lynch reminds of of martyrs and I wonder why I feel like Ronan would be the martyr, despite his strong personality implying/faking that he would be the one doing the lynching. 

Gansey contemplated if he could give Ronan a curfew. Or if he should quit rowing to spend more time with him on Fridays — he knew that was when Ronan got into trouble with the BMW. Maybe he could convince Ronan to …

Gansey boy!: the Mom Friend of the group. 

Gansey asked, “Why are you carrying that bag? Oh my God, you have that bird in there, don’t you.”

Whoops, I forgot about the raven. How could I forget about Chain Saw!! 

“If you get caught with that thing —” But Gansey couldn’t think of a suitable threat. What was the punishment for smuggling a live bird into classes? He wasn’t certain there was precedent.

Ronan, breaking boundaries and making history left and right. I feel like Ronan is the type that prompts people to make new, weirdly specific rules like, “Guys, please, place your hand over the bleaker and gently wave a bit towards you. By heavens, don’t stick it under your nose and sniff like you would with drugs and most of all, I can’t believe I have to say this, but Do Not Drink It! It’s not edible, do you hear me, and definitely do not miss your mouth and accidentally splash it all over your eyes and then knock everyone’s bleaker over and spill the contents all over someone else’s eyes! This is a Safe Zone, you hear me, and we’re gonna Keep It That Way.”

“If it dies in your bag, I forbid you to throw it out in a classroom.” “She,” Ronan corrected. “It’s a she.”

I love how Ronan corrected the impersonal ‘it’ to a ‘she’. Oh, Ronan is such a softie underneath everything. 

Though there was no reason to think Whelk cared about their conversation, Gansey had the strange idea that the lifted piece of chalk in Whelk’s hand was because of them, that the Latin teacher had stopped writing merely to listen in. Adam’s suspicion really was beginning to rub off on him.

Um, Gansey dear, actuallly, Adam’s suspicion is very well founded and also, just listen to your gut instincts. Your guts Knows, alright, it Knows, Gansey. 

Ronan caught Whelk’s eye and held it in an unfriendly sort of way.

Oh, I love Ronan. Stare ‘em down, Ronan, stare ‘em down. 

Because he despised everyone, Ronan wasn’t a good judge of character, but Gansey had to agree that there was something discomfiting about Whelk. A few times, Gansey had tried to hold a conversation with him about Roman history, knowing full well the effect an enthusiastic academic conversation could have on an otherwise listless grade. But Whelk was too young to be a mentor and too old to be a peer, and Gansey couldn’t find an angle.

If Gansey finds it discomfiting every time he can’t find an angle to talk to someone, he would not like my awkward little life or attempts at small talks. I’ll need to know you for a full three months before I can comfortably greet you without thinking ‘Am I overstepping my boundary? Can I greet them and acknowledge them outside of where we met? Do they even remember me or find my greetings too bothersome?’ Yeah, I have lots of anxiety about lots of stuff. 

 Also, Gansey’s such a nerd that he finds it weird when he can’t nerd out with someone who is supposedly a fellow nerd. 

Ronan kept staring at Whelk. He was good at staring. There was something about his stare that took something from the other person.

Me, covering my mouth with a hand, tear brimming my eyes as I reenact the ‘you’re doing amazing, sweetie’ meme. Probably shouldn’t be encouraging him, heavens knows Ronan doesn’t need more encouragement, but I love it when Ronan acts so... him. 

And: there was something about his stare that took something from the other person. I love it!

Gansey would’ve basked once more in the odds of Ronan of finding a raven, but at the moment, with Adam missing, his quest didn’t feel like magic; it felt like years spent piecing together coincidences, and all he had made from it was a strange cloth — too heavy to carry, too light to do any good at all.

Oh, love it. Some doubts from Gansey on his quest, the what-if my faith isn’t really faith, but rather delusions? What if there really isn’t magic and these coincidence (fate, magic) really are just coincidental events that a mad man strung together thinking that they had any correlation or significance at all? 

Also, I love the metaphor with a cloth!!  Too heavy to carry, too light to do any good at all; I spent too much time and energy and faith on it to abandon it now, and yet what had all the time and energy and faith invested really given me in return? Only strings of nothings connected by the thin, nebulous thread of ‘coincidences’.

"You seem to have an extremely large bag today, Mr. Lynch," Whelk said. "You know what they say about men with large bags," Ronan replied. "Ostendes tuum et ostendam meus?" Gansey had no idea what Ronan had just said, but he was certain from Ronan’s smirk that it wasn’t entirely polite. 

So, when faced with untranslated babbles of unknown because I’m not cultured enough to be fluent in more than one language, I can never resist finding out what they mean by turning to the trusty google translate. 

Before that, let me guess what he says without translating the Latin phrase and then maybe we can compare my guess to what he actually said. 

Guess 1:  “You know what they say about men with large bags. They have large baggages,” because symbolism is so my thing. Except Ronan’s Latin phrase ends in a question mark and I think symbolism about bags and baggages is more of my thing than Ronan’s. 

Guess 2: “You know what they say about men with large bags. They have huge dicks,” because I can imagine Ronan making a dick joke here, except that’s also not a question. Ronan, what did you say????

Okay, I’m gonna cheat. 

Final Guess:  “You know what they say about men with large bags. They have huge dicks, amiright?” There, I got the question mark in there now. Totally showed that stupid question mark. 

Answer: Ostendes tuum et ostendam meus?  = You show me yours and I will show

... I’m not entirely sure what that means, so here’s another two guesses, this time on what this translated Lain phrase mean. Gee, Ronan, I like you, but you’re driving me nuts. 

Guess 1: I’m totally right and it’s a dick joke. “You show me your, erm, jewels, and I’ll show you mine.” I like this one because I inappropriately like random oblique dick jokes in Latin, but also because it means Ronan is maybe not entirely straight so my ship with him and Adam might actually be able to leave the port. 

Guess 2: I’m sadly wrong and Ronan is a bright diamond, meaning he’s not only shiny and awesome, but also damn sharp. (Actually diamonds aren’t the sharpest, I’m thinking about... hardness. Diamond’s the hardest of all rocks, I think, and I just compared Ronan to a diamond, so I’ll just leave that here.) Ronan is onto Whelk and he knows that Whelk’s been keeping an eye on them, so Ronan is saying, “You show me your cards, your secrets, and I might impart mine as well, including telling you about what’s in my ‘extremely large bag’.” (I really needa stop making dick jokes.) 

Anyway, the second guess unfortunately sounds more plausible, though Ronan’s smirk seem to imply a bit more of the first guess. Yeah, I don’t know. Tell me if there’s an official interpretation of this or if I misunderstood?

"Being a shit in Latin isn’t the way to an A," Gansey said.

Ronan’s smile was golden. "It was last year."

Ronan’s smile was golden!! *cries* Oh, my son!! I love him so much. 

Adam never showed.

And the somber reminder came back. I really, really hope Adam is okay. I miss him, and I’m sure the boys do too.

[meminissse-juvabit]

here’s a small bit that i’m coming up with as I go about Ronan handling himself and his nightmares and his past on his own, without Gansey and without Adam

It had been weeks since Ronan’s last nightmare, which was a good sign because it meant he hadn’t brought back anything dangerous upon waking, but not such a good sign considering he hadn’t been dreaming at all. Or sleeping, for that matter. The last time he’d allowed himself to dream, a dead and bloody body had materialized on his chest, and he was forced to look at it until he regained control of his body and was finally able to move, to shove his father’s body onto the floor with a sickening thunk. He hadn’t allowed himself to break down at the time, but now, weeks later, it was becoming increasingly difficult to hold himself together. Living at the Barns was great, was what he’d been yearning for since he’d read his father’s will, but he hated to admit that damn near everything in that house brought memories flooding back, memories of his father--both alive and dead-- and his mother. He hadn’t clued anyone in to this fact, as it didn’t mesh well with his mask of indestructible-ness, but that didn’t keep him from unraveling on the inside. Usually it was Gansey’s confidence and reassurance, Adam’s comforting presence, that kept him from descending into that ever-looming downward spiral, but with neither of them here he was dangerously close to that edge. Phone calls from Gansey these days were more of an annoyance rather than respite from his loneliness, and conversations with Adam only made him miss Adam’s presence more. The empty bottles of whiskey littering the house was only a reminder to Ronan of how out of control he had become. It was not a nice feeling.

When Ronan finally allowed himself to break down (actually, it wasn’t so much as him allowing himself as him trying to get it out of the way. He knew it was going to happen, and the anticipation was almost as bad as the break-down itself), it was even more unpleasant than he’d thought it would be. Images of his father’s bloody corpse flooded his consciousness, followed by images of his mother’s bloody corpse. It’s all my fault this is all my fault I could’ve stopped it I should’ve saved my mother sooner I could’ve dreamt something up to save my father I only missed him by a few hours I shouldn’t have slept that night I should’ve been a better son I could have saved them I could have saved them they deserved so much more

And then, as he might as well have an all-encompassing break-down rather than a bunch of separate break-downs, he thought of Adam. Ronan had only very recently come to terms with his sexuality, and although he knew his friends supported him, he still wasn’t sure if he supported himself. Living in the south his whole life meant being subjected to some harsh, perpetual homophobia, and, despite his best efforts, a lot of it had gotten through to him. The women at church often made snide comments regarding homosexuality, and though he knew none of it was directed at him specifically, he couldn’t help but internalize their words. You’re an abomination, Ronan. God will never accept you as you are. You are alone, you are damned, you are hard impossible to love. And on that note, his internal monologue took a new turn: Adam is too good for you. You will never be good enough for him, you will never be as lovely and as lovable as he is. He will always be so much more to you than you are to him. This is a fling, this will never last, Adam will nev-- 

His thoughts were punctuated by a tinny, annoying tune emanating from the cell phone on his bed behind him. He allowed himself only two seconds to check the caller ID before sinking back into his depressive state. The screen said Adam Parrish, but Ronan wasn’t in the mod to talk to him. He’d recognize the strain in Ronan’s voice in a heartbeat, and his call would only make Ronan miss Adam with a greater ferocity. He silenced the wretched device only for it to start back up again. He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut, wiling the thoughts to make a clearing large enough for him to participate in this conversation with Adam. If he’d called more than once, it must be important. He clenched his fingers, his jaw, even his toes, and picked up the phone.

“What do you want, Parrish?” He did his best to keep his voice level but he knew Adam would hear any dissonance.

“I’m outside, shithead.” Ronan’s breath caught in his throat. He paused for a bit too long, so Adam said, “Come let me in.” 

Ronan was having a difficult time coming to terms with what Adam’s voice had just iterated. Adam Parrish, the most incredible boy on the planet, had left school just to come see Ronan. Ronan’s heart fluttered before his destructive thoughts, kept so lightly at bay after his implosion, rushed into his consciousness. He’s here to break up with you. He’s too good to break up with you over text, over a phone call. There’s no way he’d come all the way out here just to spend time with you, when he already has so much on his plate with school and work. Ronan’s distance and violent nature had finally, finally pushed Adam to his breaking point, and Adam was here to tell him this was it, that Adam had had enough. Ronan had known all along that it would come to this. 

Ronan hung up the phone, swallowed his dread whole, and slowly pulled himself up from the floor where he was pathetically curled up. He abused himself mentally for allowing himself to unravel like this. He connected the circuits in his brain that were necessary for his mask, and left all of the other cables unplugged. He knew this was dangerous, he knew leaving these wires unconnected left him vulnerable to electrocution at the slightest movement, but he was too exhausted, too broken to pull his whole self together.

It was all he could do to keep his hand from trembling as he reached for the doorknob, but he promised himself he could finish his self-loathing soon, once Adam was gone. Ronan was convinced Adam wouldn’t be here long.

But when Ronan opened the door, Adam was smiling brightly, holding something small and wrapped in his hands. His smile wavered, faded when he looked at Ronan’s face. 

“What’s up?” Adam asked, consternation now clearly displayed across his beautiful face, the lines in his forehead no longer shadows but deep ravines. Ronan said nothing, instead opting to step aside to invite Adam inside. This image of Adam was not at all consistent with the scenario he had been imagining. Adam accepted the invitation, taking one last look at Ronan before heading to the couch, clearly expecting Ronan to follow him. Ronan did, but slowly. Usually seeing Adam and being so filled with emotion made Ronan want to punch something, but this time he wanted nothing more than to feel the warmth of Adam’s body on his own. So he sat next to Adam, close enough to feel the heat radiating from his tanned skin but not close enough to touch him.

Adam placed the small rectangle on the coffee table, its presence casting a shadow on the old wood. Then he turned to Ronan and studied his expression. Adam still wore the worried look, and Ronan could hardly stand to look at him.

“Why are you here?” Ronan finally choked out after a few full minutes of silence. He was deathly afraid of Adam’s answer.

“I missed you,” Adam said earnestly. “And I haven’t heard from you much over the past few weeks, so I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“You know I don’t use my phone,” Ronan growled.

“I know, I know.” Adam looked exhausted. “Are you, though? Okay, I mean?”

Ronan didn’t know how to respond. He considered for a moment how easy it must be to be able to lie.

“I--” Ronan stopped. His words felt like acid in his mouth. How badly he wanted to tell Adam everything, how badly he wanted to keep it all inside himself. Adam didn’t push it, though, and instead pulled Ronan into his chest. Ronan allowed himself to be moved, allowed his head to rest in the crook of Adam’s shoulder, allowed Adam’s presence to engulf him. Ronan steadied his breathing, told himself that Adam would not be doing this if he was about to break up with him. Or perhaps this was the calm before the storm, perhaps Adam was giving Ronan one last bit of intimacy and affection before telling him It’s not you it’s me, actually it is you, but don’t take this the wrong way, okay? I just can’t do this anymo--

“I love you,” Adam said softly, his breath hot in Ronan’s ear. Ronan’s heart stopped and his body went still. He pulled away to get a good look at Adam’s face, searching it for deception and for any sign of a coming but....

Neither of these things were apparent in Adam’s expression, and all Ronan could find was sincerity. 

“I thought you were coming to break up with me,” Ronan said softly, and he cursed himself for allowing his voice to break. 

Now Adam’s face was surprised, and a little hurt. Ronan suddenly felt guilty.

“Why the hell would I do that?” Adam replied, exasperated.

“I figured you’d finally had enough of me. I thought you finally realized you’re too good for me.” When Adam didn’t respond, Ronan continued. “You’re in college, doing all these incredible things and making something of yourself, and I’m here, still in Henrietta, not even having graduated high school. You’re a fucking angel, and I’m just... just--”

Adam cut him off. “Ronan, I love you. I’m in college because I worked my ass off and killed myself at Aglionby for this. You’re a god, a god who can pull the world from his dreams. You don’t need this. I already know how goddamned smart you are, how incredible you are, and how amazing and beautiful you are.” Adam placed his long, gorgeous fingers under Ronan’s chin and tilted his head up to meet his eyes. “Look at me. I’m not going to break up with you. Not now, not ever. The last thing I want to do is lose you. Do you believe me?” 

Ronan’s brain was on fire. This was not what he expected but this was what he wanted wanted wanted. He blinked a few times to make sure Adam was still there, to make sure this wasn't another one of his twisted dreams where Adam would suddenly turn into a demon. But Adam’s face, Adam’s lovely and strange face, was still there every time Ronan’s eyelids moved out of the way.

Ronan nodded, and Adam pulled him in even closer, whispering his affection in Ronan’s ears and littering his skin with kisses.