#when she didnt do shit on mine
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sometimes i struggle to tell if im just overly friendly or simply a big gigantic idiot because i love helping my buddies and giving gifts sharing food money etc and if i had the means id do it to strangers too like. idk i look and act like someone who's easy to take advantage of Which is not a surprise considering what happened these past 5ish years
#like i dont do it for the One good deed a day! mindset#nor for the Someday itll come back to me mindset#i do because i want#i share because i want#i gift because i want#i want to see those i love being happy#my mom doesnt get it at all because i offered to pay for my coworkers bday gift#when she didnt do shit on mine#like? idc? id like to see her happy im not doing this to get something back#idk i keep thinking about it#every day#like.. am i an idiot? am i kind? am i even a good person?#who knows. i dont
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grrr.... my boss came in and asked to talk to me for a moment and basically she was asking how I distinguish between production stock/my stock bc the stock/supply staff had insinuated to her that I'd been stealing their stock which I HAVEN'T!!!! I would never + my boss knows that but she still had to ask.... so annoying
#and i have PROOF i dont steal their shit bc i keep a meticulous spreadsheet of every sample in the food lab (my) stock#and i organise everything by location + have a separate section for stuff in the cold room that belongs to production#bc part of my job is managing emails from sales/marketing asking abt the production stock for test/developmental products#so i have to monitor it. but i dont ever ise those samples i fill out and email the request form to supply if i need one for smth!!!#*use#which supply would fucking know if they were competent at their jobs and fulfilled my requests without me chasing them up 16 times#half the time i have to go to quality control and request THEIR retained samples instead bc i dont get stuff in time#but qc stock is completely isolated from production bc its for assay use only and i always return the samples to them when im done anyway#the only reason theyre accusing me is bc they found a sample in one of my fridges that was logged on their stock system#but I DIDNT PUT IT THERE. THEY DID. i sent the fucking request form and they fulfilled it but didnt log it out of their own stock system#but i have their stupid form attached to a timestamped email i sent them so proof it was a legit request they fulfilled 👍#whatever......#im mainly just annoyed bc for some reason i thought it was almost 4pm and i could go home soon. but its only 2:30 sigh#at least my boss was impressed at my stock spreadsheet lmao she was like wow i didnt realise you were this organised#girl how do u think i respond so fast when u ask if we have xyz sample. of course im not going thru 400+ individual samples in multiple-#locations and boxes/fridges every single time just to find ONE thing. all i have to do is check my spreadsheet.....#i record batch numbers n manufacture/expiry dates of everything too they can go thru it if they doubt smth is mine lmao#i hate being blamed for shit i didnt do especially accusations of dishonesty. im not that shit at my job >:^/#.diaries
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Why do people pound on the door so aggressively 😭 like you owe them money
And then you open it and it's like a girl scout aggsgsgdgdgd
#marquilla#i think it was someone doing political canvasing since voting is tomorrow bc i know they did that in 2018 or 2020 idr which but they were#clearly prepared to have to convince me and theyre like asking voting shit and im like yup :) yup :) to everything both so theyd leave but#bc it was true and the guy was like okay! great! :D#or it was someone trying to get us to switch electric or gas companies and theyre such pricks ab it here too like they will not leave#and if you just straight up say youre not interested they get so aggressive ab it#one lady said she told them to go away and the guy literally sat on her porch saying he would'nt be leaving until she signed and she had to#call the cops or threaten to for him to leave. like it wasnt just someone being like okay fine well im gonna sit and rest a minute he was#being really creepy ab it 😬 our neighborhood has horror stories ab them bc they're so unhinged#ANYWAY they didnt knock again but it was so loud it scared the piss out of me#our neighbor when she gets our mail by mistake will pound on the fucking windows and she always goes for mine 😭😭😭#like bitch i cant open that one and also you KNOW which one mom opens to grab the mail anyways so stooop
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#oh ofc she's mad now. texted her two days ago apologising and like. not excusing myself but telling her#im just in the middle of continuous daily mental breakdowns#and just cannot bring myself to text back and talk about some silly shit i just cant.#and she viewed it and didnt respond.#she did respond when i asked if she can make it to the rehearsal at monday since we're singing a duet in the concert on wednesday tho#so at least that#god i just keep fucking up huh this happens every fucking time with every single friendship of mine i just keep fucking up#my brain was truly designed to sabotage me at every turn this is ridiculous lol#and like i cant even blame her for this lol and lmao like this is CLEARLY my fault and that only makes it worse 🤡#how do i communicate to people that i really truly CARE about them. im just fucked in the head and have terrible antisocial coping skills
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had a tarot reading done today...
#mine#i took it with a healthy dose of skepticism of course#some parts were not true and i was like hmmmm. intj smirk#but some parts were true.#she also did the whole 'someone from your past is coming back' thing that readers always do#(occasionally i also watch tarot readings on youtube. dont worry about it)#but i didnt buy that at all because i hear it all the time in readings and back when i did astrology#people say that shit all the time and its never come true for me at all. snoooooze#there were some other interesting bits though
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damn...crazy how i keep falling into this pattern of irl friends who don't give a shit about me
#tell me why i had sushi with my close friend but i felt so alone#she talked abt her life & i was engaged#but when i tried to talk abt mine it was just. zero interest from her end#'oh the sushi is here' when im mid-sentence#and then focus on the food by talking abt it#or i'd trail off and she wouldn't even notice or pick the conversation up#my mom pointed out she's an energy vampire & i didnt want to believe her but...sure feels like that now#'wanna go to the comedy club? or our coffeeshop?' 'no...i want sushi.'#which is fine!!!! except its become a habit where i will vocalize what i want to do & then she doesn't want to do any of it#like holy shit she invited me to a new bar in town so i went & she got jealous i fit in/enjoyed it#so she made us leave lmao#idk it's getting radioactive in here. i'd rather be alone alone at this point#she and my other buddy are the only people i hang out with irl#tried talking to her abt a book im reading or the novel im planning and she didnt even respond#we sat in silence for a while
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how am i supposed to live laugh love under these conditions
tldr for tags my mom found an old journal of mine and read through it so i accidentally outed myself to her lols
#might be a vent in the tags jsyk#but brooo i had this journal when i was 14-15 and my MOTHER read it today because she Could (tm)#the journal in question was in a box in the storage unit that clearly had my name on it so she chose to open it and read through the journa#right so the journal in question had the name isaac on it and i am not out to her#i guess i fuckin am NOW???#but she hasnt said anything ab that. she def saw it tho. RIGHT on the cover#but no her focus was that i wrote that i. didnt particularly care for her when she lived with her boyfriend which is a WHOLE can of worms#but tdlr on him he kicked my brother and i out bc my brother used his phone past his bedtime. we were 13 and 11#and he fought with my mom + 11 yr old brother every night for like four years. which sucked a lil tbh#i dont know what she EXPECTED it to say#gonna be real im a little mad#because like girlllllllll you chose to open that box and then open that book and like that's mineeeee you cant just do that shit :(#i dont have to deal with it for two more days. am at my dad's house#i am fixing it with the power of ✨white out✨#WHICH I SHOULDNT HAVE TO DO. IT'S LITERALLY MINE#if i keep thinking about this im going to explode#vent#???#i think#ok update like an hour later. i read a little bit of the journal that she read and uhh SHIT.#girlie i wrote all THAT and you're upset because i wrote that i dont like your boyfriend??? okay
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Hi today. Things happened. Good lord (positive)
#basically my cousin's cute friend did show up#and. well.#we were left alone for a while bc cousin and her bf went to a night store for more alcohol#and we had a respectful chat about basically. thinking the other is hot. he straight up said hes into me. respectfully#and later when cousin and her bf came back she asked what did she miss and the cute friend was like 'oh just rizzing your cousin' kdbdndnxn#and from that point we spent most of the time cuddling#like proper cuddling like. first i was just leaning on him and he hugged my waist#but it gradually went to#hes sitting behind me and im half laying down between his legs on his torso and hes holding my waist and putting his head on mine#so like. yeah#yeah im normal about everything#he even tried to kiss me at one point but im not a kissing person#he was very respectful about that tho. after he did smooch me next to my lips.#like he apologized immediately and didnt try again but we still cuddled#and later later we like swapped and he was laying on me#like girl. hot damn#tho i do very much prefer being the hugged person lmao it was still cool as fuck#and like hes tall. so tall. i love tall people. felt really comfy and safe in his arms. good lord#im didnt get drunk today but i did get a lil silly after drinking. mostly just sleepy and more open to touch#im not tipsy anymore but honestly i feel drunk on just the feeling of being desired by someone and touch and all that shit#like im ace in a way so cuddling real close and kisses not on my mouth is i think the most im okay with#and i do like that physical attention but i dont really get any ever#its a really good feeling to know that someone finds me attractive. and to just cuddle about that#praying he wont see this lmaoo#theres no reason he would but i do still remember how my friend i had a genuine crush on found and read my posts about her lmao#but yeah i don think i ever shared my tumblr w him. good#anyway it was a great evening and my brain is still short circuiting#bee buzz
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nurses stop being cunts challenge difficulty level fucking impossible apparently
#i was waiting outside my kast room 4 today its assisted living so full clean#he had told me just needed to use the bathroom and then hed be out he was rly friendly#this fucking nurse (who is one of the ones who will just Ignore me when i say hi in the hallway. bc im housekeeping. lol.) comes up and is#like Why are you waiting outside jmmediately in a bitchy tone of voice and im like oh im just waiting on this guy to finish usjng the#bathroom so j can clean 👍 and shes like Ill get hjm out and im like oh no hes ok he said he just needs to pee and she looks at me like im#fuckjh stupid and is like He cant leave on his own 🙄🙄 like. ok. he isnt one of my regular rooms i do not fucking know the guy and hr said#hed be right o8ut. but fucking whatever. she gets hkm out i start cleaning i take his laundry bc hes assisted living we take all their#laundry and dee tolde he was all laundry. the fuckjng same nurse comes in and says Why did you take his laundry and im like what. bc like..#thatsy hov like liteeally. and shes like we dont take his laundry why did you take his laundry#and jm like i didnt fuckjng know dee told me hes all laundry so j fuckjng took all laundry.#and she just KEEPS SAYJG WE DONT TAKE HIS LAUNFRY. AFTER IVE ALREADY FUCKING PUT HJS LAUNDRY BACK. and finally shuts tyhe fuck up bc i#start ignoring her. im cleanig a counter ajd she fuckjng grabs my shoulder and says Come tell me when youre done 🙄#like. do i look like a fucking messenger. im not gonna hunt the fuckig building for her especially when she wants to act like a cunt. and#i heard her talking shit abt me in the hallway with another nurse like im ngl i fuckjng hate you. what is your problem lol.#she was literally saying j didnt know how to do8nmy job like#1. touch me again try it 2. is your job telling me how to do mine. no im pretty sure your job is being rude to residents#<- im not just sayjng that ive seen the way she inthteracts with residents and shes like genuinely mean sometimes. and like Really bossy#like#obv i get being bossy bc some of the assisted living patients are a bit scattered so they need direction but she like. idk..
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am i an asshole for not wanting my dog to get lost or hit by a car
#racing!#my sister keeps letting him out on accident but .. never tries to come out and get him ..#i had to throw soap and detergent on the ground to break into a dead sprint to try and catch my puppy#bc she opened the door and just waited for him to move so she could go inside . like she does when trying to enter a bedroom#and hes sitting in the doorway and she doesnt want to touch him.#so ive effectivrly re sprained my ankle chasing after him#and i told her shes allowed to not want a dog but if she purposely tries to get rid of mine im actually gonna crash out#she could at least pretend to try to catch the dog. even my brother has talked to her about this bc shes done it twice before#he had to catch the dog on his own both times bc she didnt even bother putting shoes on#she keeps pouting whenever either of us tell her to knock that shit off..#i really do not know how to get through to her. she hates animals. she absolutely would just let terry run away forever and not feel bad#ive threatened to take her ipad away and restrict her phone but it just doesnt stick#ill talk to her again in the morning about it but im at my limit#she cannot keep doing this#one of these days i wont be lucky enough to catch him before something happens
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Hhhhh
#why do i keep overtalking#i keep making things bad#i didnt mean to not focus on her when she was talking i feel so fucking stupid#i dont know why i do the things i do im sorry#i just want to be her biggest supporter and i keep messing things up#like genuinely i cant believe myself#im not going to see her again for an entire day#im just goint to go to sleep#she already feels so fucking terrible and i just add onto it#i dont know why i didnt just fucking sit there and listen#im sorry#i dont know why i couldnt just sit there. i should have given you my full attention#i just dont want her to feel fucking worse i worry about her constantly all the fucking time#and then i do the shit that makes her more upset#i dont understand why i make so many fucking mistakes#i just want her to be okay#im sorry for hurting you and making shit worse again#i promise you that i just want you to be happy and i want to be a source of that happiness i dont want to cause you pain#i dont want to hurt you in any aspect and im always going to be on your side#i should have listened to her more and let her understand that im here for her giving her my full attention no matter what#mine#ill fix this#i just hope she can call me again#i miss her and i want to be with her more than ive ever wanted anything#i miss her
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Also I may be cranky but I find it insanely frustrating that day 2 of getting billy, I told my parents how to take care of her and then they totally ignored me once I was out of the house.
And Then today I started feeding dust in the hall outside of her room to start the Jackson galaxy introduction method, and my mom came out of her room 10 minutes later to be like "I don't think it's a good idea to put his food there, you should have them eat separate" (NOT how the JG method, which I explained to her, works) because her room is within eyesight of Billy's door, so now when the dogs try to steal dusts food, she can actually See them doing that and feels obligated to stop them.
Even though no matter where I put his bowl, if either dog can reach it, they will steal from it. and they Do that every day. And I'm the only one who gets onto them. Like it's an ongoing issue but it doesn't bother her that her dogs steal food, it bothers her that She has to intervene to stop it now.
#i told her i cant really feasibly move billy to any other room in the house (i could keep her in mine except my mom wont accept that#bc if i keep my door closed at night then dust will scream and that annoys her)#and she was like 'im not saying you should move billy im just saying you should feed dust somewhere else'#like literally 20 minutes before this i walked her through the JG steps to introducing cats#and then her very next request was ''can you do the complete opposite of this plan now''#its so fucking annoying like she will take 0 responsibility for her animals bad behavior and try to be like#'its all my husbands fault cuz he spoils them'' and she is totally full of shit cuz she will actively enable bad animal behavior#and especially with cats like she has never owned a cat before in her life before getting dust for me#she has No Idea how to socialize a cat (part of why dust doesnt like her very much) but for some reason she won't defer to Anybody elses#opinion on how to do it. she is like Surely these creatures that i have never understood or gotten along with will respond well#to trial by fire and blatant disrespect for their boundaries :)#whats the most annoying is i didnt even ask her to do Anything aside from feed billy when im out of the house#she doesnt have to clean the litter boxes or give her medicine or even help hold her down while i do those things#and all she fucking had to do to stop the dogs from stealing was close her own bedroom door#but noooooo she would much rather insert herself into this situation that she has no idea how to navigate#because she knows SHE doesnt have to deal with the consequences of a poorly socialized cat#i told her i was going to cut off visual contact between billy and dust and she was like 'that seems like too much'#GIRL I GOT PEED ON 3 TIMES LAST NIGHT. DID YOU???#like who the fuck does she think she is? first ignore my instructions outright and then refuse to accommodate my new plan after her idea#clearly failed
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since we're talking about call outs lately, i've been called out many times, most of which are made from lies and sometimes by altering screenshots, but the most effective call out i ever got was like, in early 2015 there was a tumblr user everyone knew was a terf, but she would say "actually i support trans women" this was before crypto terfs were as talked about so the language wasn't really there to say "hey this person is a crypto terf." but yeah some people put posts of this woman on my dash and i made a random post on my blog "why do yall reblog her shes a terf" and of course she searches her own name daily, found my post, and replied to it that me calling her a terf was racist. that was it. no other interaction. but she went on all night talking about me being racist and just making things up as she went "oh i bet she says the n word all the time irl" kind of shit that had, like no basis? But her follower base took it 100% and i literally had thousands of anons telling me to kill myself, trying to goad me into being racist (didnt work), and the most concerning thing was i got hundreds of anons being like "what was the point of doing hrt if you still look like that, you should kill yourself." It was like, violent and overwhelming. and on top of it I'd get random young teenager trans people who followed her and bought into her bioessentialism showing up in my messages being like "you give trans people a bad name" "you're why transphobia exists" etc etc it was fucking crazy.
but i lost like, no followers because everyone around me understood, this woman was a terf. this all set up the real one though.
later in the year a teenage "communist" trans girl made some snarky comment about me being racist on a post of mine blowing up. i ignored her cuz like, who cares it's just some random teenager. but i guess people were looking for a reason to hate me cuz that blew up, lots of people just took that at face value no need to investigate. when someone finally did send the girl an ask being like "hey how is she racist" she replied "I dont remember but I know she is" and even more people just took this as 100%. the thing is, i do remember her being one of those "you make trans people look bad" terf following young trans people, it's not that she didn't remember, it's that she didnt want to admit she followed a terf and she believed a terf just saying shit. I lost like 3/4s of my followers, i had a lot of people i thought were my friends just stop talking to me, and going forward every time i got a call out there would usually be a line of like "also she's racist, everyone already knows this" all cuz this girl needed to make a snarky comment cuz she just loves terfs.
the thing about the "i dont remember" bit is it made some weird game of telephone. "I dont remember" became "oh she's racist, i think she says the n word" which became "she called black bloggers the n word" like people just made shit up about me and connected it to this call out. and when id be like this isnt true id be met with a "this is just known, youre a known racist" and it's like, to this day i will still find people be like "hey good on you for growing as a person and not doing that any more" and its like I NEVER DID IT TO BEGIN WITH
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OUGHHHRHGHHHHH MY LITTLE ASSHOLE FUCKS (and bessie little angel bessie)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AUGH THEY'RE SO PRETTY IN YOUR STYLE... watch out with cookin fish in a microwave he could explode like an egg
i am putting your little guys in my mental microwave @spotsupstuff
#others' art#rw#favs#oc tag#oc: fish inside a birdcage#oc: old man shawn#oc: the seafarer#oc: the tinkerer#aight. -cocks compliment gun-#STARS above your shading is WONDERFUL you did SHADED PIECES- oh just you wait. i finish this stinkin post thats been hanging in my drafts-#-for a month n ill be comin back for you and FAM again i cannot just let this slide- itd be immoral of me 😔 WHOLE SHADED PIECES GODS ABOVE#the shading on the first one- just- ough ough ough... i ADORE the boldness of the light the strength of it. the way fish looks so holy like#-that... finally ridden of the 'bullied by squidcadas that lame nerd bitch' status... impossible became possible for once#AND DO I SEE CORRECTLY DID YOU MAKE HIS HEAD FIN ANTENNA THING SEE THROUGH????? OH MY FUCKIN GODS!!!!!!!!! OH MY GODS THATS SO BEAUTIFUL#you made him look like an iterator-sona for a wheel/karma flower im going to cry i love that so much my brain is gon explode#that plays SO well into his themes and things imma stim so hard ill fly to the moon. i gotta see if i can pull that off as well now#FUCKIN SHAWN I DIDNT EXPECT SHAWN OF ALL SCAV OCS IVE MADE I DIDNT EXPECT THE BAKED GRANDPA livin his best life with local hatchiegirl...#u drew bessie so wonderfully too lookit that girl shes so Chonky. that lil blep is everything when i think about it actually...#SEAF seaf is so aggressively macho im gonna yell /pos what a man. this is the ideal male body yes. peak performance. he could-#-clock a leviathan. that shit would Evaporate. im such a fan of the fur/hair details on his body that pleases my eyeball so much#AND the last one- tinktink looks like a fuckin Entity.. fishs bomb-crafting sleep paralysis demon friend KLVDJSGLKSDM#you shaped her so cozily i just kinda wanna pick her up spin her around and then hug her ough 🙏 shes like a Plushie.....#AND FISHS FACE IN THE LAST PIC I KEEP LAUGHING ABOUT IT he looks so concerned. 'hm. hrmmn.... i think i sense a disturbance in the force.'#the disturbance in question is the 40% chance of unexplainable explosion just waiting to happen right in their faces#i do also really wanna praise how you drew fishs hands your style of hands and mine for the iterators seems so different but you still did-#-such a great job there more or less mimicking mine! its amazing!!!!!#im very honored that youve decided to draw them! you are an awesome artist n ngl i didnt expect this lsdkgjslkdkjg thank you 💜
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#hate when one of my supervising attorneys tells intake to put something in my vm#you do not get to make that decision for me ma'am#at least ask first#thank fuck i know everyone in intake and THEY know i hate stuff in my voicemail#i have enough shit to do without having to take adjuster calls#especially when they're following up on offers????#like that's not a call for ME to take thats an attorney call#and if she didnt want to take it she should have had it placed into HER voicemail#NOT MINE#oh look im rambling#work shit
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...........
#i love my fucking partner but im so fucking tired of walking on a goddamn tightrope constantly#anything i do or say can send her fucking spiraling depending on the day.#there's never any sense to it because something can be fine one day and then not the next.#but she wont fuxking go to the doctor to get evaluated and medicated for her brain fuckery#in addition im fucking autistic. i can never predict how something i say will be taken and half the time its a fucking reach#ill say or do something and itll somehow be translated as i fucking hate her or want her out of my life.#we've been working on her talking to me when somethjng happens but even then like i said im always on a fucking tightropw#and i never know which side im going to fucking land on#im having to deal with her mental health because she wont in addition to mine#which is funny because shes the one who typically takes on other people troubles and ignore her own#i wish shed just fucking listen and go to the fucking doctor#or learn to stifle the goddamn de.ons in her head so i dont feel worthless whenever she severely misinterprets my actions#legit angry crying in a parking lot because im fucking tired of this shit and beating myself up over something i didnt even do
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