#when seasonal depression is mixed with self hatred yes I’m gonna freak out sometimes

[nobody7102]

.

[linktc5465]

First Post...What to say.

Sitting her Alone in an Apartment can get someone thinking.

Hi, My Name is as it is above. well, nickname actually. i’m based in tucson so things that are relatively random is to give a sort of idea.

I’m Not from Tucson Originally, i moved here from Oakley, California when i was 12 in 19...(Does Math...33-12=21 2019-21=1998) god i hope i got that math right. never was good at math. never was good at anything really... I was raised LDS and had a Mixed Religion household. Moms beliefs were whatever her husband/boyfriend believed unless they believed in the same faith as her, sister still a loyal member. my sisters are either Agnostic, Non-Denominational Christian and Pagan. me i am...I know there’s something out there. just unsure what. i have no Social or Religious beliefs. I believe though that if you need Religion to See yourself as a better person you’re not even worth the dust you stand on and if you would rather use politics to force people to believe what you do you are nothing more than a glorified bully.

i didn’t get out much. however when i was told someone was not to be associated with i was right there associating with them. and while the associated party was just as much trouble as i was told. so i focused on Games, Comics, Movies and i felt at peace. i started Writing Corny little stories, FanFictions, had a few eye-openers when it came down to my personal beliefs.

...Okay honestly i feel like... like i don’t belong here. i mean...I’m Straight. I’m not going to Lie, sometimes, Tumblr is seen as the “Gay Blog Spot“. I don’t find that many things offensive but “The Gay Blogspot?“ Really? Couldn’t think of a better Comparison like “Grab your Fandoms and Join us?“ Like “a Better Melting Pot“ where you won’t be booted out cause you won’t “Assimulate“ to decent Morals? Like Not being a Dick for instance?

No i don’t get offended easily. Probably shouldn’t more but Damn things do piss me off;

When i Was younger i was into All this stuff. I was into Pokemon, Comic books, Hell i knew about the Green Lantern and the Flash before they were on Justice League (Cartoon.) those were my Fandoms. i was picked on because of it.

Sometimes i envy everyone. i envy the Kids today were the Schools can or are taking a Stance against it. where parents are telling their kids “Stop taking shit“ and yet when i was younger it was Teacher: “are you being bullied?”

Me: “Yes.“

Teacher: “are you bullying them?“

Bully: “No.“

Teacher: “you’re both dismissed.“

and he would stay out trouble, Rinse. Repeat.

Dating wasn’t even that Easy for me. my first kiss came along and i was out of The Church and started to believe what i wanted to, Went to the same school she did, and ended up staying all because i didn’t want to go back to school with my sister and deal with the system they had of...basically, Intellects are Separated amoungst each other. (and the school is seen as one of the best charter schools here. huh, go fig.). but i’d get bounced around by the same girl throughout the years, Lied to, played or one who even decided to treat me like i was just something she can have. so my emotions are all freaked out because of that. but... i dunno. the more i felt the deeper i went into my depression and my own hobbies. even now, at 33 with my girlfriend i find myself only saying how i feel when i’m not really wanting to game or even write. yet i can find myself talking to some, Random Stranger who asks me “How are you doing?“. i don’t think it’s hatred, but a lack of Trust.

I trusted My mother, she tried getting me on social security and when i was denied, she lost interest. started looking towards my sisters more and more. leaving me in the dust. Dad treats me how Red Foreman treats eric. i’m not a father but i’m pretty sure that’s not how you treat your kids regardless on WHAT side you’re on. The Last Woman i truly loved ended up Cheating and leaving, only to return MARRIED and knowing i shouldn’t said “what the hell.“. My Girlfriends Mother treated me like her son only to force her to get the law involved into some BS charge. Remember what i said about Depression and me diving Deeper into my hobbies or Fandoms? Yeah. always question why i’m alone yet question why i push people away. why i prefer being alone and yet i have a Girlfriend.

a part of me wonders...if i wasn’t treated this way, if we got the better help needed like we had today would i still be like this? Answer would probably be Yes.

I Don’t like thinking about these things though. Things are different Now. AS a Result my Mom (You remember her, the Woman who Believes whatever her Relationship believes) is someone i no longer talk to. My girlfriend of (Pretty much) 6 years ended up leaving again. i am Working now so i’m no longer relying on wishing i had SSI. I have a place of my own that i hardly ever visit. and i drink more coffee than i should.

but am i Better? No. i mean, My girlfriend got some CBD edibles a while back nd i tried one and thought they would help.

NOPE!

fact they didn’t kick in at all. but they probably didn’t effect me. probably because there’s more Coffee in my system to even make one Leroy Jethro Gibbs go “you’ve had enough.“

hmph...NCIS. you know i watch shows like THAT mainly cause i find them entertaining? how is it i’m not political, and yet, i watch shows like the simpsons, where it got SO political, everytime a new headline comes up, the Simpsons are covering it the Season. Guess its because I find shows like NCIS entertaining. I prefer listening to Old Style Country and Rock. i have my coffee black and believe that a Persons Religious beliefs shouldn’t be forced on others. and that’s pretty much it...Really? Guess i’m just a Little old fashioned. and tired, and a little Ornry. using terms that no one else uses.

god i feel old...pretty much am. 33 years old. 33. 33 years old and a woman who is in her 50′s looks hotter than most of the women either 5 years younger than me or 10 years older than me. you millenials, remember when we were younger and our grandparents would come down Grandma made cookies and dinner despite your parents wishes and your grandpa would help your dad on the car to get away from your mom and Grandma because they started fighting? only to find out there was nothing really wrong with the car to begin with. yeah. now it’s like some guy could cheat on his girlfriend with her grandma, or even her grandpa. Damn seniors look good these days and yet i look in the mirror and i look ugly as all get out :/

And there we go...I’ve always felt Looks don’t really matter. you could be the most handsome or beautiful woman in your group and still be ugly on the inside. or the least bit attractive and still be gentle. or in reverse.

i dunno...

Depression, Social Anxiety, Self-Doubt and a lack of trust for everyone with a hint of personal beliefs make the cluster fuck that is...Me.

people tell me “Show some respect.“ Dude, Respect is Earned. Doesn’t matter of your race, gender identity, sexual orientation, religion or political beliefs we all earn respect the same way and we keep the respect. yeah there’s the given respect but treating people like crap won’t make you gain there respect nor will it earn you theres.

This is the crap i believe :/ and i gotta wonder sometimes if it’s even WORTH believing.

Now, i’m looking around and it’s...i dunno.

Feminsm feels more like attacking men just because their men while the real feminist wanna go “Nuh-uh.“

Bullying is now being dealt with Accordingly

Pokemon go is being liked by everyone.

being a part of a Fandom is now cool but there’s still the Toxic fans who want to ruin it for everyone.

Body positivity is either picking up or Dying out.

Which brings me to This...Why is it that to some women are aren’t attractive by some peoples point of views or societies view looks at others like they’re the uglist thing on the planet. and we Keep Bringing people down. I was heading back to my girlfriends from Work about 3 weeks ago or so, i was walking behind this woman who, okay was attractive by someones standpoints and i was on the phone with my girlfriend, i told her (my girlfriend) “Love you“ and waited for her response where i than proceded to hang up. this woman, looks behind her, to me, and starts walking faster to where she acts as though I’m being creepy and i was gonna do something to her.

1.) she wasn’t my type and

2.) if i were there were cops up at the cross sections (Night time)

and 3. i’m too damn tired to do a damn thing. yet if i thought she was creepy it’d be an entirely different thing.

Why is it we want to be kinder to everyone and yet there are still people who have to Knock a random stranger, who was ONE THE PHONE with his girlfriend and wanted to get home safe and secure, Down.

Can i Just Ask, simple and Calmly What have we Become? has many peoples Charges affected us as people to where we can’t even hold doors open to be nice, ESPECIALLY in Tucson where it’s sweating in places you didn’t even know you had sweat glands in, and be seen as anti woman all because you think to yourself “hey, this person could use help and i don’t want them to drop the presents, let the baloons go flying and Maybe Drop the Cake“. or in the case of that eone going up behind her while they were on the phone and actually say “I love you” to the person they chose to spend the rest of their life with?

Okay, Yeah, i get it. we gotta be vigilant now. maybe more than ever but REALLY?

i feel like i was born in the wrong year. feel like i grew up in the wrong time. both sides really. like i could have gotten the help i needed when i was younger but listen to the old music.

I don’t really know what to feel :/ so if you don’t mind...i’m gonna go back to playing Minecraft.

Thanks for Reading... it means a lot.