#when im at home my mom is a woman who has done the therapy and self work to mend her relationship w food and her body and i can kinda | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

medranochav · 4 years ago

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my moms been living with us for 4 months now. her stay was initially tolerable but is now triggering and I find myself regressing in a lot of ways. Her grief has evolved into torment and per her m.o. she'd like for her issues to take first priority. Except, my sis and I are grown now, and as a therapised household (literally we've all been in counseling, babies included) though we still lean on each other for support, we ultimately don't function codependently.

And beeecause that's not how we grew up, I think my mother is now having to contend with the reality that she has to do the emotional work of surviving her many traumas (and currently her many dramas) on her own. We support her but we can't fix it for her.

Currently, it's a crisis a day and she's spiraling into mini catastrophic states everytime. Which was sufferable at first because despite my labored support, I still maintained my boundaries and didn't adopt her distress as my own. The problem now is the increasing frequency with which these crying spells are taking place. Not to mention the fact that she's been doing so in front of the kids; something that would normally be acceptable because my sis and I make space for feelings (even our own) in our home. The difference being, we do so responsibly. We listen, we talk, give affection and/or space but always with the fundamental knowledge that our emotions belong to us individually and only we can be accountable for them. A gentle reminder that though part of a unit, they still have agency and accountability.

This interdependency makes way for a more compassionate exchange. Whenever they see us cry or be vunerable, the kids have the wherewithal to approach us without attaching themselves to our emotional circumstance. It's an empathy that perceives our emotional reactions as relatable but still not their responsibility. I've seen our work proven time and time again.

One example is when my sister's [redacted] died and the boys spotted her crying on the couch. Without being prompted, they approached her independently, commiserated, hugged and kissed her and shortly after went back to playing on their electronics. It was such a graceful display of emotional validation that demonstrated their love for her without sacrificing their own desires in doing so. Truly remarkable, that at ages 5-8 they maintained boundaries while still being there for their mom.

They're also there for one another but it's seldom a sinking ship. And when emotional support is rejected they respect that as well, without taking it personally [tbh that has more to do with concepts of mandatory consent that we impart on them, but as is evident, it applies. #intersectionality] It's an ongoing practice that I'm proud to be a part of, considering the kids have codependent figureheads in both their maternal and paternal families. WE'RE TRYING TO BREAK CYCLES HERE.

Yes, our home is a safe space for emotional processing but always leveraged with the emotional balance of self reliance, awareness and resiliency. The kids have proven to have the capacity for this and through teaching them, so do we.

It's human to have outbursts, but my mother's pattern is proving to be less intrinsic and more deliberate. She needs an audience in order to experience catharsis. A potentially reasonable behavior except for it's her only one. So it's imbalanced and seeks refuge in the reliance of our total empathy.

Furthermore she's disingenuous in her emotional performances. When approached out of concern, she responds with the proverbial, "I'm ok." Like, its subtle but super manipulative to say that, when we can CLEARLY see she's not. The kids see and hear her, the least she could do is not gaslight them. And I'm not saying her tactics are successful but it exposes the bby's to unnecessary dysfunction and covertly teaches them to assume the responsibility of communicating her emotion for her. She's also non verbal and unpredictable and tho not at her best rn [like, literally who is? this year has wrecked us all] she and we deserve proper communication.

The mind games are soul sucking and triggering for me in a way that is not for my sister. Though we share a mother, the repective versions of her that we experienced as children differ greatly.

My sister's the eldest and spent the first couple years of her life as the only child to a very young mother living alone in America after being displaced by the civil unrest in her native El Salvador. By age 3, with the addition of a new baby sister (my moms 2nd) she was sent to a country fully at war. My sisters would spend the next half decade of their lives in sunny wartorn tropics, watched over and raised by our family of four women. A blissful antithesis to their future with our mom. Upon the return to their forgotten country of origin (USA) and severed from the only family and community they've ever known, the girls were whisked away by a mother they barely remembered and a baby brother they had never met... marking the beginning of my mom's descent into single motherhood.

My mom resented having a brood of kids, namely her 2nd and 3rd, who's father was abusive and absent. Don't know much of the facts outside of what she would ritualistically berate my siblings about during her brutal tantrums -as if it were their fault they simply existed. The second born, my other sister, left home at 12 and has been estranged ever since and the third, my brother, has recently severed bonds abruptly claiming a new life with a woman he's known barely a year yet now calls wife. Proving that despite being raised by the same woman we all had different mothers.

Since my siblings endured a childhood with a volatile, violent woman who managed her emotions thru physical abuse... when she wasn't, she was neglectful of them, turning her attention onto me... the youngest (four years removed from the rest of the pack). I bore witness to said abuse until I was 5, when it was litigiously exposed, forcing her to abandon corporal punishment and rely solely on mental/emotional abuse. That's the version of my mom I got.

I was 10 when my sister left for college. Just my brother and I remained. Similarly to each other we both lived in service to our mother. Whereas his duties were more physically laborious, mine consisted of full on emotional labor. I spent most of my childhood navigating a homelife that was so saturated and occupied by my mother's opera of a life, that there was no room for my feelings, thoughts, desires or identity. I was her plaything, a person sans agency. My age and vulnerability proved advantagous when grooming me. I learned to behave in ways satisfactory to her needs. I was made to react to (and collect) her emotional distress, endorse her judgements of others, perform well in school as a testament to her rearing, and accept her violations of me as normal. I was a shackled spectator, whose own emotions were mere reflections of her dramatizations. I was tailored to be the MOST convenient. So I kept secrets and coped alone. I knew just enough abt myself to remain human but lacked the vision to actualize it. And because emotional abuse is so insidious in its indoctrination, I was really none the wiser until I too moved away years later.

I'm almost 30 now and I'm a mess. I can't establish enduring relationships, I'm fat, I'm broke, I'm debilitatingly avoidant, socially inept, codependent, confused and lack significant self worth. I spent the past decade delving deep into undoing all the work done to me to keep me a reliable supply for my mother and coming to terms with all the time lost in doing so. I've had glimpses and proof of another life but this year sent me back to old coping mechanisms and devastatingly familiar relationships. I read that by its very nature, all pandemics have to end and I thought I was strong enough to share a definite time&space with my abuser for the foreseeable future.... but with no end in sight, I kind of really wish I had established a clearer version of myself and where I stand in this family, to her.

Similar predicaments flung us both to the south and having her here is like a screen forging images of the same dysfunction I exhibited upon my arrival 7 years ago. There's so much I wish I could tell my former self, namely, "it's not your fault. you're not alone. you don't have to try so hard and tomorrow is another day" And perhapz it's this layered vision of myself as seen thru her that compels me to want to save her, but doing so requires me to get too close to a flame I've yet to extinguish. Im not foundationally sound enough to go up in flames and rebuild afterwards, I need a few more rounds of therapy for all that. I'm a stitch away from coming apart at the seams. Weak construction, but I'm still standing. I have more life to live and can't risk the breeze of my mother's chaotic whims to topple what's taken years to forge. I love her, because she's the only mom I got and because she's the kids' only access to our motherland. How can I reconcile this version of me with this version of her?

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calpalirwin · 4 years ago

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Snip, Snip

Summary: Finn gets a vasectomy.

A/N: Back. On. My. BULLSHIT!!!!

Word Count: 1.4k

And away, and away we go!

“So, are you and Mia gonna go on any dates?” Vanessa asked over Saturday dinner.

I nodded. “Yeah, we talked about going out again in a few weeks.”

“A few weeks?!” The woman’s eyes went wide. “Finn…”

“What?”

“That’s too long to wait.”

“Well, I doubt I’m gonna be up for anything much this week. And then I have the kids.”

“Why aren’t you going to be up for anything this week?”

“I have my appointment Monday afternoon.”

“Appointment? Wait, you’re getting a vasectomy?!”

“Would you lower your voice?” I chuckled, looking around the restaurant. “Yes, I’m getting the vasectomy.”

“I thought you said Mia can’t have kids.”

“She can’t.”

“So, what do you need a vasectomy for?”

“Ness…”

She raised her hands defensively. “I know. This is something you were gonna do regardless. Your body, your choice. Just promise you’ll call if you need anything? None of this heroic ‘I don’t need help’ crap. If I found out you strained yourself I’ll render your vasectomy useless, you hear me?” She gestured at my lap with her knife.

“Alright, Mom, relax. I already stocked up on easy shit to make and plenty of bags of frozen veggies. I’ll be fine.”

“You’re gonna live off of Hot Pockets for a week like some twenty-something bachelor?”

“I am a twenty-something bachelor,” I reminded her.

“You’re twenty-eight, not twenty-two…”

“You’re twenty-eight?” Ashton piped up. “I thought you were twenty-six…”

“No, I’m twenty-six. Finn’s two years older than me,” she told him before turning her attention back on me. “You either call me, or I’ll call your mother.”

“I love how she goes from ‘Mom’ to ‘my mother’ when you’re threatening me. I’ll call, alright? Actually is one of you free to take me? They won’t let me drive home.”

“Jesus, Finn…” Vanessa rolled her eyes. “How does that part slip your mind?”

“Somewhere between you threatening to cut off my dick and call my mommy.” I flashed her a sarcastic smile.

She rolled her eyes again, while Ashton chuckled, “Yeah, I got ya, mate. What time?”

~~~

“You sure I can’t make you something to eat?” Ashton asked as he helped me onto the couch and then went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

“I’m sure,” I answered weakly, taking the offered drink. “I’m good, honestly,” I continued when he just stared at me with a look of concern. “A little tired, but good.”

“How about I order you a pizza or something? So that way you have it for when you do get hungry.”

“Is this Ness rubbing off on you, or your own big brother instincts taking over?” I joked.

“Ha-ha,” he deadpanned while he pulled something up on his phone. “But this isn’t a therapy session, and you’re not my therapist.”

“Be a lot richer if I was. Year and a half worth of back pay? Could retire now.”

Ashton let out a snort of laughter. “Alright, mate. Pizza’s on it’s way. And knowing Nessa…”

“She’ll be here to check on me before she goes into work tomorrow. Yep. Thanks for your help, man.”

“Anytime, mate.”

I dozed off while I waited for the pizza, and even though I wasn’t that hungry, my mouth still watered at the smell of it wafting from the box. I munched slowly on a slice, ready to call it a day even though it wasn’t even dark outside. I sighed as my phone rang, doing a double-take when I read Mia’s contact instead of Vanessa’s. “Hey,” I answered. “Wasn’t expecting you.”

“Who were you expecting?” Mia asked with a small laugh.

“Nobody. So what’s up?”

“Nothing much. I just… is it mature of me to admit to missing you, or incredibly pathetic?”

“Mature,” I chuckled. “I miss you, too. I know it’s probably frustrating only getting to spend real time with me every other week. Fatherhood doesn’t exactly bode well for spontaneous romance.”

“No, it’s not frustrating. Makes me value the time we do get to spend together that much more, you know?”

I laughed more. “Yeah, let’s see if you’re still saying that in a month.”

“A month? Mighty presumptuous of you.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘optimistic’ actually.”

Her laugh was a light, full sound, like the tinkling of bells. “So, are you busy?”

“Now who’s being presumptuous?” I teased. “No, I’m not. I’m actually taking some time off. So if you wanna come keep me company while I decide which show on Netflix to binge for the next couple of days, I got a still hot, and mostly uneaten pizza here.”

“I’ll be by in ten.”

“I’ll be here.”

It was closer to twenty minutes than ten by the time Mia knocked on the door. “It’s open,” I called out.

“Is that really smart?” Mia scolded lightly as she came in.

I shrugged. “Normally it would be locked. But Ashton left it unlocked when he left. And I just never got up to lock it.”

“Why didn’t you when you got the pizza?” she asked, sitting down next to me on the couch and grabbing a slice.

I sat up carefully so my legs weren’t stretched all the way across the couch like they had been. “I didn’t get up.”

“Mmm… does this have anything to do with your mysterious time off? What did you do? Pull something surfboarding?”

I laughed. “No. I got a vasectomy.”

She choked. “Sorry, you what?” she sputtered.

“I got a vasectomy.”

“Why?” Her voice was tight and controlled.

“Because I don’t want any more kids…” I explained slowly, not understanding why she seemed mad.

“Okay, but I can’t have kids. I told you that.”

“I know.”

“So, what would you need a vasectomy for? Are you saying you want to see other women? Are you saying you don’t trust me?”

“I’m saying I don’t want any more kids.”

“Okay… but are you aware of how that comes across to me?” She picked her words carefully and I would admire it if I could swallow my rising annoyance at her thinking my vasectomy had anything to do with her.

“Are you aware you’re reading too much into a choice I made that has nothing to do with you, and that makes me want to get defensive?” I countered.

“Finn… I tell you that I can’t have kids, and a few weeks later you get fixed. That doesn’t make me have a lot of faith in what we are. In fact, it kinda does the exact opposite.”

“Okay… but if you let me explain rather than jumping to conclusions…”

“Jump to conclusions?! Finn, you had surgery to make you not able to have kids with your girlfriend that already can’t have kids!”

“It has nothing to do with you!”

“Cuz that makes me feel so much better!”

“I’m the one who’s gonna have to ice his junk for the next three days, but you’re hurt?!”

“Yes!”

“Why?!”

“Because you don’t trust me! Or you don’t see us working out long term!”

“Okay, but did I say that?”

“No…”

“So why would you think that?”

“Because of your actions!”

“But are you listening to the words behind the action? I don’t want kids. This has nothing to do with you or us. This is just a me thing.”

“Again… not making me feel better…”

“Oh, my God…” I pinched the bridge of my nose and breathed slowly. When I felt calm enough, I grabbed my phone, scrolling through my emails. “Here,” I said, handing her the phone when I found the email I’d been looking for. “I made the appointment two days before we met. Believe me now that this has nothing to do with you?”

Her eyes looked over the confirmation email. “Oh…”

“Yeah… I didn’t do this to hurt you. I did it because I’m done having kids. And yeah, if I’d been smarter I would have gotten it done a long time ago. But everything’s been a little hectic so now was the time I finally got around to it.”

“So you do trust me?”

“Of course I trust you. And yes, I see us working out long term. Or I hope so anyway.”

“Sorry…”

“Forgiven.”

“I’m still gonna make this up to you.”

“Oh? How are you gonna do that?”

“Nurse you back to health.” Her voice was a whisper as she leaned across the couch to press a kiss to my lips.

“Mmm, I won’t say no to that.”

Tag List

@frontmanash @goeatsomelife @flameraine @creator-appreciator @cxddlyash @1-irwin-94 @sparkling-calm @tea4sykes @youngblood199456 @5-seconds-of-obsession @gosh-im-short @aquarius-hood1996 @talkfastromance4 @itjustkindahappenedreally @philthepegacorn @boomerash @teenwolfss24 @karajaynetoday @myfavfanficsever @stormrider505 @cashtonisruiningmylife @another-lonely-heart

#snip snip #ashton&vanessa #finn&mia #galcal irwin #we stan healthy communication!!!!

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kylorenpunk · 5 years ago

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Well I challenged @masonjar828 to do this ask meme like 200 years ago and he challenged me back but I’ve been busy so here we are.

200: My crush’s name is: don’t have one. men suck. 199: I was born in: Mickey Mouse’s lair aka Orlando 198: I am really: trying not to make a self deprecating joke rn 197: My cellphone company is: Not being disclosed bc I don’t need stalkers 196: My eye color is: brown 195: My shoe size is: 8. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be taller than I am bc of that shoe size 194: My ring size is: Uh no idea. Maybe 9? 193: My height is: Five foot three inches 192: I am allergic to: A couple of antibiotics but that’s it 191: My 1st car was: 1995 Honda Accord. RIP Goldeen. 190: My 1st job was: Technically I was an assistant for an occupational therapy clinic that paid me under the table. My first paid job was a pool attendant for a hotel. 189: Last book you read: My professor’s shitty textbook. 188: My bed is: currently unmade. 187: My pet: doesn’t exist. Bro is allergic to the entire animal kingdom 186: My best friend: I have multiple and love them all very much 185: My favorite shampoo is: Just recently bought a new shampoo from OGX (coconut curls I think?) 184: Xbox or ps3: xbox 183: Piggy banks are: Not a bad concept. I have upgraded to using mason jars to save money 182: In my pockets: Not wearing pockets atm. Usually I only carry my phone tho 181: On my calendar: Is a bunch of doctor’s appointments 180: Marriage is: Fantastic with the right person 179: Spongebob can: ??? do whatever he wants? idk what op was thinking 178: My mom: is great and shouldn’t have to deal with my shit 177: The last three songs I bought were? I haven’t bought music in over two years. Spotify is my life. 176: Last YouTube video watched: I watch so many a day that I forgot what I last watched. 175: How many cousins do you have? 5 on paternal side. 3 on maternal. But I’m hispanic so it’s def more than immediate family 174: Do you have any siblings? 1 and he’s a pain but I love him 173: Are your parents divorced? nope. fun fact. I used to think divorce was normal as a child and wondered when I would get a second set of parents. 172: Are you taller than your mom? No I’m like 4 inches shorter 171: Do you play an instrument? is mayonnaise an instrument 170: What did you do yesterday? future job training and watched my brother [ I Believe In ] 169: Love at first sight: Lust at first sight 168: Luck: kinda 167: Fate: sure 166: Yourself: a lot more than I used to 165: Aliens: why not 164: Heaven: in a way 163: Hell: sure 162: God: the catholic in me says yes 161: Horoscopes: yes and no 160: Soul mates: tough question. 21 year old me would have said yes. 23 me is on the fence. Maybe for other people but I don’t really believe it for myself. 159: Ghosts: I love ghost walks so I hope they’re real 158: Gay Marriage: Of fucking course 157: War: No 156: Orbs: Isn’t this the same as ghosts? 155: Magic: No [ This or That ] 154: Hugs or Kisses: Either one has it’s benefits 153: Drunk or High: Never been high so I guess drunk 152: Phone or Online: they mean the same thing now 151: Red heads or Black haired: dark hair 150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes 149: Hot or cold: hot 148: Summer or winter: summer 147: Autumn or Spring: spring 146: Chocolate or vanilla: depends. rn I want vanilla 145: Night or Day: day 144: Oranges or Apples: oranges 143: Curly or Straight hair: doesn’t matter. I feel more myself with straight hair tho 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonald’s 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk 140: Mac or PC: pc. Apple is a peice of shit. 139: Flip flops or high heals: heals 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: this is a weird question 137: Coke or Pepsi: depends on whether it’s a can, glass or on ice 136: Hillary or Obama: lol was this made in 2008 135: Burried or cremated: not sure. i wanna say burried tho 134: Singing or Dancing: I’m bad at both 133: Coach or Chanel: neither 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who 131: Small town or Big city: small town 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: ben stiller 128: Manicure or Pedicure: pedicure. my hands never last 127: East Coast or West Coast: east 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas bc I can see my family 125: Chocolate or Flowers: flowers 124: Disney or Six Flags: six flags despite the fact that i’ve never been 123: Yankees or Red Sox: I don’t give a shit about sports [ Here’s What I Think About ] 122: War: dumb 121: George Bush: dumb 120: Gay Marriage: I’m hoping for a day where the LGBTQ+ community is no longer discrimated against 119: The presidential election: dumb 118: Abortion: No woman should be denied a right to abortion 117: MySpace: yeah this was made in 2008 116: Reality TV: dumb 115: Parents: great wonderful 114: Back stabbers: dumb 113: Ebay: useful 112: Facebook: kinda useful 111: Work: a necessity 110: My Neighbors: I don’t talk to them 109: Gas Prices: could be lower 108: Designer Clothes: I don’t care 107: College: a scam but education is worth it 106: Sports: depends on the sport 105: My family: great wonderful 104: The future: idk [ Last time I ] 103: Hugged someone: yesterday 102: Last time you ate: when I started this thing 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: last month 100: Cried in front of someone: Two weeks ago 99: Went to a movie theater: going tonight 98: Took a vacation: three years ago. going soon tho 97: Swam in a pool: I don’t even remember. 96: Changed a diaper: never 95: Got my nails done: a year and a half ago 94: Went to a wedding: a year and a half ago 93: Broke a bone: never 92: Got a peircing: three years ago 91: Broke the law: probs when I was underage drinking 90: Texted: yesterday [ MISC ] 89: Who makes you laugh the most: all of my friends 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: free food and family 87: The last movie I saw: toy story 4 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: starting my career job 85: The thing im not looking forward to: taxes being taken out of my paycheck 84: People call me: Karina, Kari or Rina 83: The most difficult thing to do is: let go of someone in your life 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope 81: My zodiac sign is: cancer 80: The first person i talked to today was: no one. Update my boss just called lol 79: First time you had a crush: 1st grade lmao 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: myself 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: uh recently I think 76: Right now I am talking to: Romantic? no one Normally? No one lmao 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: I’m grown but I’m not disclosing my job on here 74: I have/will get a job: already have one 73: Tomorrow: I’m working 72: Today: I’m cleaning 71: Next Summer: No idea 70: Next Weekend: no idea 69: I have these pets: no I don’t 68: The worst sound in the world: styrofoam 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: my mother 66: People that make you happy: family and friends 65: Last time I cried: Thursday 64: My friends are: cool great wonderful 63: My computer is: working 62: My School: I’m graduated 61: My Car: I need to wash today 60: I lose all respect for people who: have no respect 59: The movie I cried at was: toy story 4 58: Your hair color is: brown 57: TV shows you watch: Sabrina, jane the virgin 56: Favorite web site: twitter 55: Your dream vacation: new york 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: wisdom teeth 53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare 52: My room is: a mess 51: My favorite celebrity is: chris evans 50: Where would you like to be: on vacation 49: Do you want children: yes 48: Ever been in love: three times. Ironically only one was with someone I actually dated 47: Who’s your best friend: I have multiple 46: More guy friends or girl friends: good mixture of both 45: One thing that makes you feel great is: makeup 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: a few 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: hell no 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: not a physical list 41: Have you pre-named your children: kinda 40: Last person I got mad at: no disclosing 39: I would like to move to: the smokey mountains 38: I wish I was a professional: MUA [ My Favorites ] 37: Candy: lifesaver gummies 36: Vehicle: hondas 35: President: obama 34: State visited: TN 33: Cellphone provider: ATT 32: Athlete: n/a 31: Actor: i can’t choose 30: Actress: cant choose 29: Singer: can’t choose 28: Band: currently little mix 27: Clothing store: rip charolette russe 26: Grocery store: publix is the only acceptable floridian answer 25: TV show: jane the virgin 24: Movie: high school musical 23: Website: twitter 22: Animal: meerkat 21: Theme park: busch gardens 20: Holiday: halloween 19: Sport to watch: soccer 18: Sport to play: none 17: Magazine: n/a 16: Book: eragon 15: Day of the week: friday 14: Beach: n/a 13: Concert attended: hannah montana? 12: Thing to cook: beans 11: Food: rice 10: Restaurant: taco bell 9: Radio station: n/a 8: Yankee candle scent: n/a 7: Perfume: anything fruity 6: Flower: rose? 5: Color: pink or blue 4: Talk show host: ellen 3: Comedian: n/a 2: Dog breed: black lab 1: Did you answer all these truthfully? wouldn’t you like to know

#ask meme #personal shit #why do i curse myself with these #sorry mason

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lllvllls-blog · 6 years ago

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⋆ ◦ ° ☾ cismale + he/his — have you seen vincent janko? they sure have been hanging out at valdez county park a lot recently. they are thirty eight years old known as the raging bull, and they currently work for the cobras as a soldier, which they’ve been doing for nine years. a bisexual capricorn, they are determined + practical, as well as detached + stubborn. knitting needles, smashed terracotta pots, gauze bandages.

this is so long im so sry it’s mostly so i dont fKN FORGET MY BRAINS A SIEVE

HISTORY

this my most anti-social + rage-filled muse so we’ll see how he do... v v v loosely based on jake lamotta in the raging bull film. their personalities are actually a bit different ANYWAY

raised around violence, saw ppl responded to it + listened when used so grew up with the kinda mentality where violence was the only answer

not a great relationship with parents, lack of communication, abusive. vince’s parents married too young, fell out of love quick, took their frustrations out on each other and on their kid who never listened

so kept to himself at home but released aggression at school. a Big Fat Bully rip just picking on ppl all the time - not the weak ones but the strongest

got into a lot of trouble, juvenile diversion, detention etc. hefty fines bc of vandalism, assault etc. then eventually juvie for a short while for assaulting his probation officer. a mess.

age 15, his mum (civilian) left his dad (cobra) and his dad remarried to a fellow cobra. his new mom wanted their own kid but couldn’t so adopted serah. ENTER: actual angel, light of vince’s life. the lil 3 y/o was his everything ok. not only did serah’s arrival soften his dad up a lil but vince had less reason to be angry about things too.

tho their parents were v absent, vince had no problem taking care of serah. in fact he was so happy to do it, even skipped school to spend time with her

stayed out of trouble for serah, joined a boxing club which tamed him a lot, saved his anger for the ring. lost a lot at first but once he started to pick things up the cobras began to take notice as he quickly became the winning bet

doesn’t feel pain like normal people. can just charge + charge + charge @ people no matter how many punches to the head.

didn’t graduate high school but agreed to fight for the cobras + help them fix games for some extra dolla. enjoyed the money as paid back parents, became independent, and begin to save up to move into a house with his gf + financially support serah

never took the initiation tho. always rebelled against his parents and refused to join the cobras despite their wishes. didn’t like the thought of ppl telling him what to do. just wanted to fight, win, go back to his gf + sis with a fat wad of cash

around the age of 23, he enlisted in the army with a bunch of his friends due to ~patriontic~ reasons but before he left married mimi who came from savage parents + eventually initiated when she was 18. had been dating her since he was 16. this was another reason why he swore not to join as a cobra

finds out she’s pregnant whilst he’s away. wasn’t planned. thought of kids scared him bc he never believed he’d be a good dad (spoiler alert: he right)

comes back during leave to meet a lil bb rosie (age 25). elated but terrified. more than the war. goes back to afghanistan, hates not being there. so fucks up his own left ear, sent home with a medical discharge. deaf in one ear. called an animal.

he’s obvs not the same as before, disoriented and a lil traumatized. also wow vince is not the best parent. has sm of his dad’s awful traits that he hasn’t unlearnt but is Trying.

tried to do a normal job as a construction worker but just got into fights all the time, kept getting fired. was convinced to go back into the ring. so he did. but things were different.

he didn’t get the same sense of relief from mindless violence. just needed the money. impact of the war - no release from shooting a gun and taking an innocent person’s life. being a solider was a job in the same way as a fighter. work, work. unsatisfied hunger.

ANYWAY vince’s last fight (age 27), huge odds. cobras told him to lose. his friend bet on him to win against vince’s advice. friend had bet a lot of money. so won the fight. next day his wife was killed.

he thought it was the cobras. turns out it was the savages, they thought she was a snake. not only that but the cobras lost a lot of money. they wanted him to pay it back. he refused to initiate. but serah was pregnant as well. he needed to support the fam + didn’t want no dramaz.

so continued to fight. but now he didn’t know when to stop, didn’t know his limits. began to beat his opponents to death. did the odd job here and there - intimidation, repossession, torture. only to pay off his debts + lowkey protection for his fam

age 29, parents die. livid. paranoid. took cobra initiation for official protection. also a way to hunt down his wife and parents’ killer + get vengeance.

SUMMARY: ex cobra fighter, ex us military, widower, a decent brother (serah’s), trying to be a decent father, now cobra soldier. (all u have to know tbh)

PERSONALITY (?) ish

nine years later, not over it. still angry. still hunting for the savages that killed his loved ones. might even be dead but subconsciously it doesn’t matter to him, convinces himself they’re still alive to cope with guilt. give his life a kind of purpose he thinks is achievable.

it’s pretty obvious to ppl he’s only in the cobras out of his own interest, protection and vengeance. he doesn’t exactly see other cobras as ‘family’ and his jobs are all done solo. just sticks to himself, gets shit done and doesn’t want anyone to bother him.

tryna be a good brother and a good dad and a good husband. crazy overprotective. don’t fucc with them, he’ll kill you. more brawns than brains. not a lot of morals. full of hate and rage. always sounds angry. even if amused. doesn’t talk much. speaks in grunts n gruffs n glares. talks weirdly, goes off tangents a lot.

not book smart but v street smart. don’t bullshit him bc it’ll just piss him off.

once he sets his mind to something that’s it, game over. dont try and change his mind.

ALSO tryna be a better man for his fam. goes to therapy (rarely!!), cut down on drinking A LOT tho sometimes has his moments, smokes privately. works out a lot, does DIY a lot, but also taken on hobbies that require a lot of patience like knitting, gardening, fishing.

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS

childhood friends - vince had a lot more space in his heart for people outside of his family when he was younger. he was more sociable, approachable. wasn’t exactly a social butterfly but had a group of friends etc. that he deeply cared for

kobra kidz on the block - vince’s dad and step-mom were both cobra members. so people he grew up with due to their affiliations? old time friends, old time enemies. frenemies. anything. vince was very vocal about his disregard for the gang tbh. could’ve boxed together etc.

annoyance - a younger chara that just won’t leave him alone lmao. maybe a cobra, maybe not. could be anything.

baby sitter - vince has a daughter called rosie who is 13 y/o. she’s a lil hard nut and hard to control (wonder who she takes after) but anyway he def needs one of these. he’d rely on them a lot.

family/friends of mimi - mimi, his late wife, was a savage. they dated from 16 to her death at age 27. she grew up around savages. she joined out of peer pressure and vince never shied away from telling her fam how much he doesn’t like them. so ppl that opposed her, maybe orchestrated/participated in her death. could be fun.

lonely - vince has only been in love with one woman + still isn’t over her but it’s been nine years and a man has needs. so someone he fucks bc he’s lonely. this person probably knows it too. maybe they’re also lonely.

ex-fling - same sitch as before but the person ended it bc vince was so detached and cold. or maybe they grew feelings and broke it off. either way, vince unintentionally hurt the other person and *charlie puth vc* they don’t talk any mo

garden patch friends - vince has rly gotten into gardening ok. has a little garden patch near where he lives in the suburbs. plants veggies, some flowers. so maybe they have similar interests or have a patch nearby and *gasp* vince can actually talk more than a sentence at a time

#outlaw.intro #// this is unnecessarily long #and has drained my brain #but if anyone wants to plot hit da like #also if u have d*scord pls holla cos #tumblr ims are @@@@@

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donotlookatmyface · 2 years ago

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06 / 15 - 8 : 43 p.m.

after work today, i went to grab some coffee. ive always ordered vanilla but i wanted to try caramel. i remember that like a year ago this cute girl use to work there, always made the coffee super creamy. i liked it. but since then, not seeing her there anymore, after months, the coffee didnt taste the same.

anyways i asked once if i could have more cream on my coffee, since it just tasted so bitter. they always told me that the iced coffee is premade and that they dont add anything to it. so i just took the vanilla coffee like it was.

so today i took a sip of the caramel coffee. its creamy. its the same coffee i used go order.

i thought, she used to get my order wrong. i liked the wrong coffee.

and i thought about telling you. how when i would go home and tell you “ guess what just happened to me today ”. but in my head i dont know what you would say back. i dont have any idea what you would even tell me. if you would be annoyed, dismissive, or interested in what i have to say. i have to admit i got a bit teary eyed, waiting for my food. i hope that the guy who gave me my order didnt notice. if he did, sorry.

when i got home, i was still feeling upset and i just sat in the grass.

and i kept thinking, and i hate this part of my thought process.

what would have you done if you did kill me that night, what would i looked like ?

petite, skin and bones. only 87 pounds, blond with brown roots, rashes all over.

i should hate you, for threatening my life. i should hate you for the way you treated me, the way so spoke to me. the way you looked at me. i felt like nothing and that i was only alive because you let me. the amount of times i just cried myself to sleep, the times i didnt. the time i sat in the bathroom with a razor in my fingers. the times i slept with someone new who i thought could help me, to forget you. i cried so many times during sex. you only noticed once. taking shots every night to help me sleep. what would you have done.

what would my parents think, my mom already had a bad feeling about you. my father would come to my funeral, second child he’s lost. maybe he would start again with a new woman. my sister’s i dont think they would take it very well.

anyways ive been thinking of cutting again, the days seem very mushed together. thats not the reason for wanting to cut though. it would be because i want attention. its pathetic but i think since im 21 now, i dont really have insurance anymore. so that means no therapy or meds. hell, my last meds where 1000$ without insurance. and i dont know if i said before but my hallucinations are not getting better. even if its not night or dark i see things more often, today i saw a bug crawling on my skin. other days im hearing a voice, when i am very alone at my work. so, yea, i seem to be developing auditory hallucinations now. yaaaay.

but, i think i wont ever be in another relationship again. not now, not for years from now. a boy has been talking to me, one from my high school but, i dont know if hes flirting with me or just playful. i dont reciprocate, or really answer to these text like someone who would want him would. but im not interested. hes nice, sure but so was bunny at first. i am scared.

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dbtrilogy2 · 6 years ago

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Im Sorry(24)

Rebecca

Shaking my hair around snatching my glasses off I take a second scoping out the restaurant.

"You beat me here...how embarrassing."

A bitter chuckle leaves my lips. We get a table far from everyone else by my request. He pulled my chair out. I walk around sitting in the next chair.

"Can I start you all with anything?"

"I'll have a beer anything is fine just not lite and...."

"Two shots of Hennessy."

I'm here for one reason and one only. Soon as the waiter left he try's sparking up a conversation.

"New hair I like it."

"Mmhm." I take back my shots soon as their placed down.

"I'm glad you uh agreed to meeting me. Look um I just...I don't even know. You know I love you it was a mistake telling you what I did like that and I most defiantly regret it. To this day I can't get that look of hurt and betrayal you gave me that day. A second chance would be nice since we've been through it all together you had my back before all the money and fame but I know you deserve better so I won't be completely upset if you decide not to you know go with it. Whatever you wanna do I'm for it."

I've prepared for this moment as much as a person can. Mentally yes my mind has already decided fuck him and that island whore get my money take care of my kids. Emotionally on the other hand....after all he's my husband and the father of my kids. We've been together for so long and this is technically the first real bump in our relationship. I want to take him back with open arms but then I think about this whole situation all over again.

"Funny thing is you said something similar before we started therapy. I thought we just needed to talk have someone to be the mediator so things don't get out of hand or to help each other see the other side. Never would I had even began to think it would've reveal things so deep and in only a few visits."

"You know baby I never wanted to go in the first place but like always I made a sacrifice for you. I always put you first babe you mean everything to me."

He reached over taking my hand. Did he really just try to say this is my fault? I sit up straight taking my water in the hand he tried to reach for.

"Were you with her the days you went ghost?" I already knew he was but this was just gonna determined my next move.

"Honestly yes. She's a break from reality for me. I know it's not what you want to hear but if we really are gonna work this out honesty had to be present. "

"Oh what you had some kind of vacation with the woman you cheated on me with. You thought the best way to deal with a marital problem was to spend time with the cause of said problems?" He stutters over his words. "How stupid do you think I am?"

"Baby-"

"No...I don't want to hear any excuse you have I don't want to try and work this out anymore. I'm not gonna be a solo puller in this your not gonna make me look stupid because you no longer love me or your family."

"I do-"

"You don't. So here's what gonna happen I will file and all you need to do is sign your name. You'll see the kids if they want to see you I won't ask for child support or anything like that. I'm wiping my hands with you after basically forcing myself to stick it through for my kids. I refuse to stay when you don't to."

"Camila took chris back I don't understand why we can't just work through this. That's what married couples do they work together." His points at me starting to breath heavier. "Rebecca....baby please I'm begging you."

"You can't compare us to other Carlton. And even if I was to this still would be different because one: he confessed to his mistake right after it happened, two: he worked to right his wrong and most importantly he didn't go back to who he cheated with in fact he basically cut her off out of respect for his wife. If you would've done that like I asked before we hopefully wouldn't be here! God Carlton just be a man for once and own up to what you did."

We sat here for what felt so long. I never would've thought we would be here in this position. It was suppose to be till death do us part. Turns out all it takes is a island witch to do us part.

My phone vibrates from my lap.

Ted:I'm here

"Clearly you have nothing to say so I'm going to be on with the rest of my day." Putting shades on I stand hooking my purse on my arm.

As I walk pass him he pulls on my bag.

"Look I'm sorry things turned out like this."

"Are you really? People who are sorry try to fix what they've done. You didn't come look for me you did call...you ran right into her arms just like she wanted you to. I'm not about to fight a bitch over a dick. If your so called "sorry" prove it but don't waste my time. She so important then stay there." ........ Wiping my face I chuckle. Ted hands me a tissue. "I can't believe I'm still crying over this nigga. It's not worth it he's not worth it. I'm a fucking jewel a one of a kind."

"One can stay for so long. He's your husband father to your children you care and love this man. It's not gonna be a hop and skip to get over a heartbreak and betrayal. It's healthy to release these tears and pain so that you don't bottle it up becoming bitter I don't want that to taint your beauty."

He came by my shop to help with a couple things like lighting and what not. Soon as I got here it's just like I couldn't hold it any longer. I didn't want Carlton to see me like this hell I don't want Ted to see me. But at this moment with how hurt I am I'd rather get it all out over bottling it up. I don't want to become bitter like he said. Then she wins....technically she already has.

Mona

Covering my face I rush into the police station with pissed off parents behind me. The officers in front held off the camera men best they could but these people are just ruthless.

I was discharged from the hospital last night but have to come in today to give my side of what happen and identify who did it. It's so many emotions running through my head I didn't even sleep last night. Just cried and cried. I feel so stupid.

For believing he actually liked me and wanted me. For turning on my own sister. And mostly betraying my parents trust in me. They haven't said much to me since the hospital. After getting the test results back it showed I didn't get anytime of STD or anything but what I was drugged with did some damage to my kidneys. Mom cried more than I did probably hearing that and dad he just looked at me.

"You all can wait here while I get the detectives on your case." The cop sat us in one of those rooms with a two way mirror.

I played with my sleeves nervously.

"Mona after this when we get home I need you to pack some clothes us your gonna stay with your grandparents for a while just until all this dies down. You'll do all your school work online for the rest of this quarter." Dad said speaking for the first time since last night.

I nod wiping my face. Two men in suits come in. One hands me a bottle of apple juice and a donut. "Goodmorning Mr and Mrs Washington. Goodmorning Mona...we hope this to be a quick process so you don't have to be here longer than needed. We've already gotten more than enough eye witnesses who were at the party now we just need some details from you. And please let us know everything and be completely honest."

They say putting a recorder on the table in front of me. "Are you comfortable with your parents being in the room?"

I nod. "Yes."

"Alright let's get right to it. How did you meet the student involved?"

"He's my ex boyfriends older brother. I only saw him when he would come home from college."

"How did the relationship began?"

Both mom and dad sat behind me watching close. "I-I noticed him looking at me when he'd pick up his brother and a few times I would go to their house he would smile and wink at me a lot. I decided to break up with my boyfriend and it just went from there."

"What was the relationship like?"

"Well um it was kept a secret so we mostly hung in his car. He would come to my school during lunch or after cheer practice. I would tell my parents I was with a friend or had detention."

"Ok now parents this may be hard to hear these next few questions but please just keep it together so we can get the answers needed. Now Mona before the events were you two sexually active together?"

They are gonna kill me. "Uh we um...it was only oral. The night at the party was the first time he tried more than that."

"Did you ever feel like you could possibly be in danger anytime with him?"

"No he made me feel mature always telling me how I'm not like girls my age and how different I am. I thought he really had some kind of feelings for me but then he laid it on me that he has a girlfriend. I felt so stupid but stayed...clearly I was doing something she wasn't I was important to him so much that he'd risk his relationship."

"But not his reputation since your relationship was clearly a secret. You didn't think that might've been a wake up call. Your only fourteen what could possibly make you feel like you needed this attention so bad you went looking in the wrong places?" The other detective asked. This was the first thing he's said since walking in.

"I became jealous of my sister I thought everyone liked her more than me then my parents started working a little more than usual. Just me being the spoiled brat I've always been."

"So are you saying your parents basically pushed you into the arms of this predator?"

"No! I'd never say that I lied about everything to them they believed me because well I'm their daughter. My mom tried to I guess patch things up but I ditched our plans."

Just thinking how I cried to her about feeling left out then ditched her. Anything could've happened that night I'd possibly would've never been able to spend time with her ever again.

"Now just tell me about this night in question and how it all reaches the point of you being in the hospital."

As much as I really don't want to relive this I have to.

"Um...my friend and I got picked up from her house by Shawn and a friend of his. We got to the party and it was so many people I felt out of place almost like people could tell I wasn't suppose to be there. He left me to get us drinks basically forcing it down on me. I think I was two or three cups in before I started feeling almost like I was on a boat I couldn't keep my balance for anything."

"You were drunk?"

"Yes and he took me to the kitchen to get more but that's when two of his friends came over and asking what he was doing with me because they recognized me being my parents are famous."

"Were one of the friends a female?"

"Yes she was the one that offered to help me. I don't remember anything after that."

Mom came over holding me against her chest crying. I hugged her back as dad came in.

"I'm sorry...I-I didn't...I didn't know."

"You did great Mona all we need now is for you to confirm who we have is the one responsible."

They took us to a similar room being on the other side.

"I don't even know this girl I met her at the party how was I suppose to know she was underage!!"

He's denying me?

"Look kid there is so much we have on you it's really pointless to deny anything at this point."

"Ok ok I did know her but...she told me she was eighteen."

"He's lying....why is he doing this?" More tears began staining my cheeks.

"We've seen enough can we go now?" Dad pulled me away from the mirror.

"We just wait for a court date. Thank you all for coming in today I hope you are able to get through this."

Putting my hood back up we rushed out the station to the waiting car. I hate that I did this to them. I've basically shamed my family. I don't think sorry is enough anymore.

#kayla phillips #Lil Fizz #officialreine #darlene cisneros #chris brown #chris brown fanfic #chris brown fanfiction #chris brown fiction #fanfiction #fanfic #fiction

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srlkiller · 3 years ago

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today was a lot. i had a 1on1 therapy thing that was supposed to be like an INTRO TO UR RECOVERY WOO!!! LETS GET UR MENTAL HEALTH IN CONTROL!!! But instead it turned into me having 4 panic attacks constantly crying while venting to a social worker in a room w no air con for 2 hours about ‘how my month has been’ and ‘why i haven’t been attending any of my group therapy?’ well sue sweetie.. u asked me…n boy did i give u the answer ur career as a social worker has been WAITING 4!! then i got my 1st covid shot & briefly spoke to my doctor who was rude asf so i was like ok today fucked. Centrelink also called me and told me wrong info which fucked me over. then i see my dad calling and im like OFC HE IS!!massive fight as per n he hangs up but then continues via text bc hes petty asf.

BUT not as petty as my mom bc that is literally how the fight started. bc of her. like this bitch omg. she purposely runs off to my dad and tells him every little thing i do ‘wrong’ bc she knows his temper and how afraid i am of him due to past events so she uses him to basically do her dirty work for her n ‘scare me’. like that’s how manipulative and fucked up she is in the head. she made up a whole ass lie and told my dad that i said to my mom the only reason i was trying to stay in contact with my dad was so that i remain in his will as like the sole beneficiary or whatever….. how sick and twisted must you be to lie to someone directly in their face about something so serious INVOLVING UR OWN CHILD that you share with that person????? i would NEVER! say that about my dad. EVER. this happened months ago btw. as soon as i spoke about it w my dad and i was like “what.. dad i would never say that you know i don’t give a fuck about money like that i don’t care about your will why would i even be thinking about your will?” he was like wait actually that’s fucked up ur right. It was actually HER who made that comment. she got my dad to go and fix fencing at my nans house for free (using him) n my dad mentioned he had a girlfriend. my mum came home & SAID TO ME “u better hurry up and get in ur dads good books now that he has a gf.. before she gets a hold of his will and u end up w nothing” and i simply told her that my dad would never take me off his will regardless so why say that to me. once she got exposed she backtracked and was like “oh it was just a joke” & both my dad and I were both saying that even as a joke how is that funny? how does your mind even start to think in that way? how is this funny to you? then she flips it. her scripts are so repetitive now that ive caught on that i can actually predict what she’s gonna say before she opens her mouth. she manipulates u into thinking ur reality isn’t correct.. saying things like “ omg ur over reacting lol ur so dramatic no wonder no one takes u seriously in life, grow up, i have no idea what ur going on about, have u taken ur medication for the day, have u lost it, are u high on something?” like what in the fuck?

i never once mentioned anything about anyones will.. when i was younger i made the mistake obviously of telling her that my dad was leaving me his house. when my nans will was getting exposed she became overly obsessed w wills in general and changed hers. im guessing behind my back she has actually taken me off now but i don’t want her dirty ass money which is stolen from my accounts anyway. my nan left all her grandchildren a large sum of money that was supposed to be equally split among us, its now been over a year since my nan passed & i noticed a group text come up on my moms phone from her sisters talking about what they did for their children with that money. one of them paid off their entire hex debt so it must be a substantial amount. i have not seen a cent which means she has taken it for herself, put it in her name and placed it into a secret account without my knowledge. if it’s as much $ as i believe it is, this could seriously help me move out and better my situation which she constantly tells me she wants me to get the fuck out ect. yet you are holding the key to the door in ur hand? that’s twisted and very sick. they fought for a year over my nans money and all i asked for was an old XXXX gold stubby holder that was my grandads bc it was very sentimental to me. instead, they chose to have a garage sale and sold all of my nans things and sold that stubby holder to a random person for 20 cents………. i was in shock when i found out.. and they laughed and were like get over it omg it’s just a stubby holder you can just buy another one. these people are so fucked up but they all made me feel like i was losing my mind my whole life. money isn’t shit without sentiment. i could have given you 20 cents if you need that shit so bad. im only attached partially to these evil ass roaches by some genetics but to me none of them are my family. not once have i ever felt cared for, loved, accepted, safe or happy in their presence. i am only ever wanted when they can gain something from me. that is not family. my grandad was big on family n my nan and my grandad are the only two people i claim as family from my moms side. my nans two blind siblings who i admired & adored + a few of my grandads siblings were the only ones who actually showed interest in getting to know me & didn’t look down on me in any way. i was never considered ‘less than’ or not good enough yet i was the family disappointment to my mom and her sisters. but they have never seen her like i see her. the way she acts in front of family is not the person i know. she’s very good at acting. the way she pretends to be a ‘mother’ in front of her own family is actually scary. she’s like the ultimate con artist except she’s too fucking dumb to actually scam people and get rich off of her ability to manipulate whoever she wants. what a shame ur not intelligent.. that sure must suck huh. my nan gave me that maternal love i never had from my mother and my grandad was always that man who held us all together as a unit. when he got sick everything changed and started to go down hill. they had to give up their entire property, his big beautiful garden and vegetables he was really passionate about, the horses and land ect. my nan planted a rose bush and it grew big and blossomed big red roses and she said this is for you, my little rachel rose 🌹 🥺 she said she wanted to take the whole ass bush w her and replant it 😂 but my grandad was like we are not taking a fucking huge ass rose bush w thorns in the car w us Gloria.. i only remembered this today during that therapy session and i hyperventilated so bad n just started crying.. bc i couldn’t believe my brain had blocked that memory for so long just to recover it now that she’s no longer here to share it with.

i can feel the love my dad has for me even when he’s temperamental.. you can see it in his face and his eyes. when i look at my mom i try desperately to find some sort of just fucking anything and… i see nothing. i can tell that she doesn’t feel anything. but she does for other children. just not me. so i know she isn’t a heartless bitch and is capable of emotions of all sorts.. but anything to do with me it’s almost like im invisible or she cannot see fault in her self. she cannot in any way accept anything she has ever done, she has never said the words ‘I’m sorry’ for anything ever in life involving me, she has stood by (literally stood and watched) while her own sisters verbally abused me as a minor calling me out my name AND one even texted my best friend at the time who was about 14 saying that i was a bitch. meaning my mom gave my aunt my friends number to text that message.. my friends mom was livid about this bc what grown ass woman texts a random 14 year old girl paragraphs of shit like that swearing at them and saying that their friend is a rude ungrateful bitch. her mom reacted as a mother should. as i would love my mother to stick up for me just once in life.. u kno.. ever? i still remember my first SUI attempt at like 16 after being abused and this person told me they were leaving and coming back so i had about a 10 min window of time and i panicked as any 16 young girl home alone would.. i called my mom for help bc ur parents are supposed to protect you. her wording was “well what did u do to make him hit you?” “you know that you deserved that”. i was in disbelief that she would react like that.. she was talking so calmly while i was crying hysterically having a panic attack telling her this man was coming back in 10 mins asking her to please help me.. and all she could say was.. “you probably deserved it”. ive never been the same since then tbh. im not blessed enough to be a parent yet, i may never be.. but i know for a fucking FACT that i would NEVER say any of the shit that she says to me to ANY child let alone MY OWN?!?

you had me at 36 years old. you had time to think about this and evaluate whether you thought you would be able to care for a child and make a good parent. If you “didn’t want to deal with me” then you had other options.. you could have sent me to foster care, you could have adopted me out, you could aborted me, shidddd you could have mf swallowed me bitch let’s be real. no, you chose to have a child. there’s no 18 year contract.. she loves to play that card. “UR AN ADULT NOW”, what about me makes me an adult, my age makes me an adult to you? yet you’ve kept me so childlike, so codependent & haven’t taught me basic life skills despite me asking to learn. like im deadass watching YouTube videos to teach myself basic ass life skills… that is sad as fuck. when im 48… guess what??? i am still your child and unfortunately for me!! you are STILL my parent. there’s no changing that bc you made that choice. you can’t just b like yeah i change my mind nvm i want to return it…… like that is really her attitude. i was born with a lot of health issues that have escalated a lot and only continue to get worse with age both mental and physical. guess what tho… if ur child is born with defects u don’t get to just b like omg ew i don’t want it now this one’s too difficult. like trust me.. if i was one of those lil sperm rn i am not about to fertilise u for NOTHING if this is the consequence I’d rather jus keep on swimming lmao.

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swearronchanel · 7 years ago

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Finally got around to 7.02

Back at it again with more of my commentaries that no one asked for, I just have a lot to say watching Call The Midwife ok!

Better late tha never, let’s get this started

Skipping the credits bc I’m impatient

Val serving a look! even tho it’s all blue

Shelagh’s perfect 60s kitchen is a dream 😍 looks just like the blue of the Petries’ in the Dick Van Dyke Show

Shelagh Turner is so adorable

New hairstyle for Val coming soon?

Trixie looking like a BABE

Her extensions on point! I’m jealous

“Mine looks terribly realistic” LMAO I LOVE WINNIE

Love the 60s salon decor lol

Poor Sister Winnifred needs a car😂

Ugh choke on that whistle Woolfe

“Iced buns” Run away boobs, look out 😂

GTFO! “Looking like she just got off the boat” BITCHHH!!!

People still love to tell me to straighten my hair and that’s my natural hair is too frizzy and messy, fuck you. *”beyonce!?” video voice* Lucille sweetie I’m sorry an ugly b*tch would even say that

This shit already pissing me off ugh, I know I’m white passing and it gives me privilege but my dad and lot of my family doesn’t and I get upsetttt thinking that they prob hear shit like this or have before(as SO many people do),, like I will throw hands

That goes for anyone tbh, 0 tolerance for racism. It angers me everyday

Val’s still in rollos loll, ugh I wanna get my hair done soon

am I immature or are Sister W’s sock puppets are funny as hell?😂😂

I love Sister Winnie tho she deserves more

Yass gal being your man he needs to be involved

Aww baby

BEATRIX !!! 😍 THIS IS A L O O K

I LOVE IT SM

ALSO Christopher is still a babe and he has a new car?? Sugar daddyyy 🤑

“My parents tried their best but domestic science wasn’t really on the syllabus at casa mia” LMFAO I AM TRIXIE

if only I was that gorgeous and fabulous

I love Val & Trixie’s banter 😂😘

“Not so long ago I thought I’d never be happy again and yet here I am. The human heart is really most resilient.” Oh Trixie I need to hear that.

Yes Lucille knock some sense into them

Sister Monica Joan, an 80-odd nun in the 60s is legit more open minded than an entire population in this country *cough cough Tr*mp & his disgusting supporters*

WHO PICKED THIS UGLY OUTFIT FOR SHELAGH? I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU

“She grew up in a communist country I doubt that’s conducive to a cheerful disposition.” LMAO

Lol my baby cousin is named Magdalena

“Her type” YOU MEAN A HUMAN. SHE’S A HUMAN. FROM THE CARIBBEAN.

THANK YOU VAL FOR THE DEFENSE IMA FLIP

O m f g I WANT TO FIGHTTTTT THIS MOTHER

Oh shit a stroke!!??

Lucille grabbing Val’s hand 😭

Sister MJ’s eyes😭😭

I forget you could smoke even in hospitals and planes back then

How is Teddy this big already?

SHELAGH’S FACE LMAOO intimidated by Magda

She’s a Catfish but for the better

Trixie again 😍 love that dress too!

I want her hair ugh

LMAO BURNT ASS GRAEPFRUIT

Yass Magda you’ve been living your best life, I need to get like you

“Everyone knows English coffee is very bad” LMAOO I LOVE HER ALREADY??

but also we know the best coffee is from the Caribbean & Columbia

“Better than what I’m used too” LMAO PATRICK YOU GONNA GET IT BOY

Shelagh’s faces I’m so ded

Time to step up your wardrobe tho Shelagh, Magda can’t upstage you in your own home

“Life really can change in the blink of an eye.” You’re telling me Phyllis

WINNIE LMAO putting her hand to her heart is me at every little thing

What happened to the cute nightgowns you owned Shelagh? cancel the moo moos

“You might want to put on a cardigan. You’re not on the continent now.” LMAO WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

like shoulders aren’t scandalous tf 😂 or is it bc it’s chilly? Either way Shelagh is so pressed, I die😂

don’t worry bby she don’t want your man lmao, no need to be worried

Damn calling her an invalid right in front of her Dr T? kinda fucked up

aw this poor husband 😭

guess who still hates Mrs Stanton? yo

she’s pregnant and dropped a pound and I go to the gym and cannot? what the hell

The bonchinche (gossip) at the salon is so realistic lol, it’s usually the hairdressers spilling the tea here when you go to people you know😂👏🏼

Shelagh in another dowdy outfit why!?

The costume designers doing Laura Main so dirty this series, she deserves better

I know she is not Trixie or Val but she can wear cute outfits too!

Like the grey dress from 6.2! The Jackie Kennedy-esque suit! She had some looks and now she’s in these dull avena colors

Don’t @ me bc of this either^ I appreciate fashion and just looking nice, let me rock and complain

“Filthy hands” Mrs Stanton boutta MEET MY TWO FISTS REAL SOON OMFG

“Proper English nurse”IM FUMINGGGGG

IDGAF she’s upset and wants to blame YOU DON’T GET TO JUSTIFY BEING RACIST

the black woman waiting just gave Lucille the most sad but understanding look my fucking heart

“It’s not up to you or Nurse Crane to decide how much unpleasantness I can bear.” FUCK YES LUCILLE BABE STICK UP FOR YOURSELF !!! TAKE NO SHIT

I L O V E H E R

Is their last name Romaine like the lettuce?

The track suit tho lolll

“The fears we have in the present often lie in the experiences of the past”😭yes

Can we call her Lucy? I love her

I feel you Val bb! I’m embarrassed that my country put literal evil garbage in the White House!!

Aw Val sorry bb

“I’ve had patients who won’t let me touch them bc they thought the blackness would rub off on their skin” set in 1963 and there’s still fucking disgusting people who act like this in 2018

🙌🏻👏🏼 LUCILLE ANDERSON

I’m glad ofc but ugh I hate when they resolve major/serious problems so quickly tbh

Omg I remember my hair was too short for braids so my mom would make me get “twisties” GOD THE PAIN I CAN STILL FEEL IT! AND THE RUBBER BANDS BREAKING AGAINST YOUR HEAD AHHH

Teddy omg the cutest

LMAO okay Tim, chill

A ROBERTS RADIO UGH I WANT ONEEE

Lmaoo Tim is tragic😂 he doesn’t get out much

Angela aw! An angel!

Magda serving a look aye

Where’s Shelagh to sing the toothbrush song?

The husband reminds me of a “who from whoville” loll

Occupational therapy clinic! Mika !! @nurse-franklin

Coq au vin? Chef Magda

“If you like that sort of thing” LMAO SALTYY AF

“Do I detect a tone?” LMAO OBVIOUSLY PATRICK, REASSURE YOUR WIFE SHE’S PRESSED

I’m laughing but really it’s not funny enough to drag it out lol, I hope Shelagh get’s over it quick

Lmaoo Shelagh a dress with her shoulders out and knees showing is not half dressed, calamate

Lol love her still

I do love her facial expressions too

But fr can she not wear all brown & whoever gave her the M’Lynn from Steel Magonlias hair? It gotta go

SISTER MJ AND LUCILLE MI CORAZÓN

“I could read to you”😭😭

Wait they play basketball?

Violet Buckle is under-appreciated and the Buckle family is too

Aw I’m proud of Marjorie’s husband

obvs hand in front of stomach placement ha

LMAO WINNIE STEALING THE CAR WHAT A THUG! GTA OUT HERE 😂

LMAO THIS DAD AW HE’S COACHING

PHYLLIS IN HER SKIRT BLESS, SHE’S GONNA BE PISSED THO LOLLL

He’s about to throw up I’m ded

Phyllis brought to tears about her, I feel 😂😭

Except my Bitch ass doesn’t have a car or license yet

“Wedding”😭

CAUGHT Lmaoo sorry Sis

“The longest paths lead into sunlight, when they are paved with love”😭😭

THESE DARLINGS BROUGHT FOOD I LOVEEE

Omfg do I see rellenos de papa?👀👀

That food looks so good ugh I wish I had some home cooked food rn

Ahh man that’s it?

Till next week😭..

#call the midwife #let's get it 1963 #my commentaries™#waiting every week is stress ahh

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tamiddyinyourcity · 5 years ago

Text

2:59pm.

Still annoyed at the dude attacking me yesterday night.

That was very "Oblivion by Grimes" of him.

Wait..... shit, thats fucked up, and unrelated. I wasn't sexually assaulted. Just some cunt asshole showed up to release me from my shift, higher than a kite and with a bad attitude off the bat.

He got offended that I didn't immediately know he was releasing me, when nobody told me an entirely different person than before would release me. (Hell, the night before I literally had been at work an additional hour and a half thanks to my boss never realizing that he NEVER got someone else to take on the shift after me.... And of course, the weekend before was when a woman came in with no idea or training of the job whatsoever.)

Then the dude kept finding ways to be aggravated for no fucking reason, calling me stupid, this and that.... Long story short, bad things happened.

May or may not have a job, but I won't know, since my boss hasn't informed me of anything. I texted him after the scuffle happened. And no response was made.

The dude threatened to call the cops last night, but the police don't do shit around here. And even so, it's kind of hard to make yourself look good when you show up to work, reeking of marijuana, as well as going out of your way to insult and belittle/mock/refuse to communicate with the young woman working at the job.

Way to make a girl feel unsafe at night, dude.

Anyway, my mom let me know that sure I could've avoided what was done, but still, he was high and obviously aggressive to me.

No grown man should feel the need to insult and corner a young woman at work like that. Jesus christ.

I wanna take my mind off of it, but I can't. I feel guilty, yknow?

I guess even if charges got pressed, I'd probably want to do community service or something. I technically already have done that before, by choice. If a punishment for what i did has to be doled out, then i imagine that helping others out would be much better.

Or probation, if necessary.

But once again, cops wont do shit. And if I get fired, that'll suck, since it was an easy job and everyone else there liked me. Even the annoying ones or the perverts were still polite about it. I was in such a good mood! I didn't just do the end of my shift like, "Ooh yeah, lets fight a grown man today."

If my boss does go "you're a well put together girl and you do a good job, you can stay", then, amen.

And if I must find a new job.... Fine. I'll probably be okay, finding another desk job for me.

I just gotta take my mind off of it. I hate when that happens. I might wanna get back into therapy, if possible. I just get so annoyed with the shitty app, and struggle to get one online. Plus, not in the mood to Uber all the way across town to the dirtiest hospital ever and request a psychologist.

The coronavirus also is a factor; I recall hacking my lungs out a week ago, and Patrick was saying I should see a doctor.

But, the hospital had notifications that everyone who potentially has cough or flu symptoms needs to call and describe their symptoms, and cannot come to the hospital, and whatnot......

I hate phone calls. Anxiety when I have them with strangers...... So, I never went.

I'm okay, physically. Mentally? Eugh. Shush.

Anyway, I just wanted a peaceful week, and it failed.

I guess all I can do is hope for the best.

....

I wanted to just go home that night, shower, light some candles, drink maybe the smallest cup of wine, and then sleep in, so that I can wake up the next day ready to deep clean my room and feel fucking great.

But instead, that night, I went home, annoyed as hell, showered, prayed as much ad possible, lit some candles, told my mother everything, proceeded to be told by my mother that nothing would even happen since the cops here are useless and i was im the right, drink a looot of wine, and then wake up feeling anxious.

....

I have no idea if anyone knows what went down.

My boss said nothing. Neither did my agency. So..... who knows?

And plus, even if he didnt call the cops last night, he could still file a report at any time....

The cameras barely work at my job, but the one at my desk does..... Idk if they save footage.

Anyway.

Things to remember:

I wanted to quit that job anyway.

Mans was being obnoxious, hostile, and dangerous. Therefore, fuck that guy.

There's more than one good job that exists.

I am still a good person, and always want to do better.

I wouldn't go out of my way to hurt anyone, unless they were a legitimate threat. And if not before, definitely last night.

God, I was already thinking about the Patrick situation and trying to aim to be a more gentle, feminine, and overall less aggressive or potentially intimidating person to those who upset me.

But, doesn't mean I was gonna be that stoner's punching bag for his issues last night.....

Life goes on. Sigh.

I had a list of tasks to do, but my bulletin board fell down behind my dresser... and to get to it, i have to climb the Mt Everest amount of bullshit in my room..... to receive the list of steps for HOW to remove all my hoarded junk and messy disheveled items.

Which is exhausting to even imagine. But, thats the inner procrastinator in me talking.

Which seems better: a room full of bullshit, or a pretty place to rest and read books, hang up dresses, and store my shoes?

Let's get to it.

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lyesera-thoughts · 5 years ago

Text

Therapy - relationships

I don't know if anything I did was in the "norm". I do know that I've been extremely lucky. The man I am engaged to has been my first in every sense of the word. And I feel very happy for that.

In my time growing up, I learned to distrust everyone around me:

Boys at my schools often used "confessions" as another way to bully me. I fell for it once and I was ridiculed for believing them. I stopped believing them.

Then I was molested when I was about eleven. He was seven or eight years older than me. An adult in the eyes of the law, regardless. He kept telling me nice things and then would touch me even when I said I didn't want that. Thankfully I had a close relationship with my mother because he wormed his way into our house by befriending my younger brother. I told her what he was doing before it progressed very far and the police were involved. He went to jail and I didn't even have to testify. Turns out, I wasn't his first...

Then my parents...I can count on one hand the times I saw my parents being sweet to one another. More often than not, it was always a fight. Or dad yelling and calling mom names. Then he would turn around and loudly, in front of his children and his wife, compliment how "sexy" a woman we passed on the street was or watch movies specifically with the intent of seeing a man and woman have sex. Even if his young children were in the room. I knew whatever relationship I had it would not be this.

Enter my fiance...and his ex.

Nothing about how I came together with my fiance was normal. In ways, I feel guilty about many things, but it was never my intention for the way things played out...

My fiance met me and asked me out. He had a girlfriend back in high school but broke up with her when he left for college. I’m not clear on the details of that break up, he mentioned something about they deciding the long distance wasn’t going to work out. But they were still friends.

I rejected him initially. I wasn’t over the “confessions” bullying and didn’t fully trust him. But I thought he was cool to hang out with. We played World of Warcraft together. We watched anime together, joined the Anime Club at college, that kind of thing. Ate lunch together, studied mutual classes together.

Well in the midst of all of this, he was telling her about these things. She got super jealous really quickly. She pressured him back into a relationship, telling him how she thought it was wrong they broke up. I think he was lonely and they’d been together for a few years. I can’t fault him for having feelings. So he asked me one more time if I was sure I wouldn’t date him. I said I wasn’t ready.

What followed was every stereotypical “drama” filled love triangle. In which I had become “the other woman”. Not my intention and this is where my guilt starts. Even my old friends told me I was in the wrong but couldn’t tell me WHY it was wrong.

Wrong that I hung out with him? That we went to club together? That we studied together? I wasn’t taking him back to my dorm-room or following him to his, we were always in public. We weren’t having sex. He was just a cool guy.

His girlfriend didn’t treat it as such. If I was his friend I had to be her friend. Okay? I added her to yahoo IM and tried my hardest. She spent the entire time telling me “he’s my soulmate” and “we’re engaged” and how I was “stealing” him away. Meanwhile telling him how I was the one being mean and distant and didn’t like her.

Truthfully I didn’t. She made me super uncomfortable. But I tried. I didn’t want to tear them apart!

At some point, I don’t even remember why, I told her that I didn’t want a relationship because of the bullying and the molestation. She sent him an email within minutes of me telling her about the molestation to tell HIM about it.

I hadn’t told anyone about it until then. Not outside of family. To this day I’m not even sure any of my friends know about it. I’m super ashamed and don’t want to talk about it. I was mortified when she told him.

I only know about it because he told me and showed me the email. I told him I was done. I couldn’t talk to her anymore, this was a piece of me I was trying to trust her with and she turned around immediately to use it against me. Too many had done that before.

He was getting frustrated, being in between the two of us. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to make her happy, but also enjoyed hanging out with me and she kept pressuring him to “make a choice”. Her or me.

It escalated to the point where I said to him “I won’t make you choose. If you can’t be happy with my being your friend and her your girlfriend, I’ll step away. I won’t ever bother you or her again.”

It seemed only fair, who was I to step between them? In a way, I think this did the exact opposite.

He seemed emboldened by my mature stance. I was trying to take the pressure off of him that she seemed to be putting on him.

He told her in no uncertain terms, he would not stop being my friend and he would not make me interact with her again. We were all adults and if she didn’t like it, she could dump him right then and there.

She didn’t.

Things were “calm” for a while and then she came to visit. I asked plainly, did she want to meet me or not? The answer was no. I said that’s fine and I stepped out of the picture.

The first night, I received a call from an unknown number I didn’t answer. It was her and she had left a voicemail...

Threatening my life.

I called him and told him what she had done and told him plainly, if I saw her I was calling the police. I tried to get through my weekend, but I was so scared that someone accidentally touched me (not indecently, just on the shoulder) in the public cafe and I jumped and gasped as if he had attacked me.

I may have scared him more than he scared me...

My fiance later told me he confronted her. The story was she told him she was getting ready for their romantic dinner. Stole his phone, found my number, and called me. He told her to “get out” and refused to talk to her for an entire day. So much for their romantic weekend.

When he finally spoke to her, he told her she WOULD be apologizing and came to find me to warn me he had her and asked if I wanted to see her for the apology. I told him fine, but if she starts anything, I will involve campus security. He agreed.

She came, she apologized, he sent her home...

And broke up with her...

He was single for a few months as the semester wrapped up and two weeks before it ended, we had grown close enough that in a spur of a moment situation that I can’t fully describe, I wound up kissing him.

I was so elated I cried and asked if he still wanted to date me.

We’ve been together ever since...

It’s had ups and downs. We’ve fought several times in our eleven years together. I had issues to work out. He had issues to work out. We try to remain relatively drama free.

He never liked having that with her and I didn’t much care for it myself. I was so isolated in school I never really had it until I met them. But it’s everything I always wanted...

He knows exactly what he wants. So he’s not afraid to cuddle me. To kiss me. To tell me sweet things. It emboldens me to return these things.

He never calls me names. Or tells me I’m stupid. Even in the midst of our fights he’s never once “slipped” in that fashion. It’s more than my dad ever did for us. It makes me happy to have this.

He doesn’t tell me how he find other women “sexy” or openly stare and make suggestive noises, comments, or movements. If he’s looking, I don’t know about it and it makes me feel secure that he finds ME attractive still.

I love him and I want us to succeed.

It may not have been a normal way to find love. May not have been even as innocent as I thought it might be (I still feel guilty over being “the other woman” despite not wanting to be). But it seems to have worked out. And I’m all the better for it...

#therapy #random thoughts #relationship #drama

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reesebird · 6 years ago

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New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/02/13/im-debating-burning-bridges-with-blood-family-any-advice/

I’m debating burning bridges with blood family. Any advice?

So, this is a little hard to talk about but I’ll try. I grew up in a fairly “average” household. Mom, dad, 1 sibling, 1-2 dogs, for a total of 4 humans and a pet or two at any one time. Before the ‘08 recession, my mom was a stay-at-home mom, and my dad worked. Following the recession, my mom went back to work, and my dad went from working 40 hours a week to 90+ hours a week. Not the healthiest, but not exactly abusive or anything like that. I’m starting with this, because I want to establish a baseline – my family wasn’t a “classically abusive family” like some of my friends and peers.

When I was in elementary school, there were 3 things that stood out. First, I was bullied incessantly by everyone (save literally one student I became friends with, but have since fallen out of touch). This began with verbal bullying, then in middle school escalated to being beaten up on four separate occasions, and finally, being punched in the face right in front of the teacher, who refused to do anything. Second, I wasn’t ever challenged academically. After kindergarten (which I completed at the local public school), I stopped being really taught. I attended a private religious school whose standards were so garbage that aside from handwriting, I learned next to nothing in my 8 years in attendance. Most of the teachers were lazy, and they cared only about turning in the homework. You could have every answer wrong on every piece of homework, and every answer wrong on every test, but by virtue of having turned something in, you were considered a “good student”. Meanwhile, anyone who had a “reputation for being smart” would be berated and belittled by the teachers for being ahead of the lesson plan. I was even handed a failing grade on a science project because the teacher hated me. And my grades slowly suffered. Not being challenged like I would’ve been at a public school, I slowly gave up. I went from a straight-A+ student to a student barely making C’s between 3rd & 8th grade. Not because I didn’t get the material (though I definitely didn’t get Spanish, and I thought religion made no logical, scientific sense), but because the homework just bored me to tears. My mom would yell at me every report card I didn’t get an A+, too. My first B, I was grounded for a month. When I started getting C’s, she told me I was worthless. And, when I failed Spanish my last quarter in 8th grade, she threatened to disown me. The third thing that stood out was that in spite of all of this, I tried to keep learning. I read constantly. Between 6th and 8th grade, I kept a spreadsheet of all the books I read, and what genre they were, and in total, read just shy of 1,000 books between my first day of 6th grade and my last day of 8th grade. I tried out Khan Academy, and did independent research. I even learned how to use the library’s database on my own so I could read engineering journals for free. And, all in all, I still loved academia.

In high school though, things began really breaking. I’d wanted to attend this fairly prestigious public school that had an actual engineering program (that included shop time!). But, my mom, not wanting me to risk getting involved with drugs and alcohol and gangs and underage sex and shit like that, very intentionally didn’t wake me on the day for testing to go to that school (we had 1 alarm clock in the house at the time, which was my parents’). So I missed the test. And couldn’t go. So, desperate for a chance to not fuck everything up, I tested at one of the 2 most rigorous private schools in the area. I got in, and was immediately made aware that I’d not learned anywhere near enough in grade school. I didn’t know enough to pass algebra 1 in math, I only passed English because my teacher gave me extended deadlines for everything, and in Chinese, despite doing extremely well at first, the original teacher left (family emergency) and I failed because the new teacher made no sense to me. And I struggled. And failed. And my mom would berate and belittle me for it. Finally, I was told I had failed out my freshman year. I hated myself. Everything I was taught to value – what I was taught was my only value – had just been demonstrated to me to be nonexistent. And therefore, I had no value.

Nowhere to go, I stayed at home that summer. I was brought to a crackpot psychiatrist by my mom, and diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. He recommended heavy, regulated, and monitored medication, but my mom wouldn’t hear any of it. She finally caved when told about the weakest medication that had the most marginal chance of helping me, but made me figure it out on my own, and with no supervision. She made me enroll in online classes so that I wouldn’t “waste my life being worthless”. I can’t learn online – it’s too detached, with nothing tactile, and no accountability. And it sucked. My depression got worse, and my medication did nothing, and finally, after a massive argument with my mom, I attempted suicide. My mom got home, and found me right before I would’ve died. She called 911, and I was taken to the hospital. My dad rushed home when he heard what had happened. He brought me my childhood stuffed animal, and fresh clothing, and made sure I was given food the moment I was cleared to. He even slept on the floor of the hospital room so he’d be with me. My mom? She didn’t spend time with me. She went, and told everyone she knew about what had happened, even though I explicitly told her that I wanted privacy on the matter. She continuously violated my trust, and refused to own up to it.

Fast forward to the summer I turned 16. I was slowly recovering from depression (and, as had been discovered by the actual psychiatrists I saw in the hospital, PTSD). I’d just gotten out of a relationship where I’d been gaslighted (though at the time, I didn’t know the word for it), and was questioning my gender identity and sexual orientation. I went to the library every day I could, and spoke with the librarians there all the time. They became more family to me than the family I’d been born with. They provided me resources, and helped me understand what I was going through. And when I finally came out, they were the first ones I came out to. When I was 17, I was walking the dogs with my dad one day, when he asked me when I was going to get my driver’s license (I’d not been in a brick-and-mortar school since my freshman year of high school, and I never really did research into driver’s ed). I told him I wanted to wait. He asked me until when. I then, in probably the dumbest move possible, said “until I can transition and change my gender marker.” His reaction was about what was fair, given that I’d never mentioned gender identity in the past to my parents. However, 6 months later, when in a family therapy session, I told my parents I was trans and wanted to medically transition, my dad responded with “let me look into insurance first, please.” My mom? She nearly made me homeless, and were it not for my dad putting his foot down and demanding she treat me with the dignity of a human being, I think that was what she wanted to do.

Over the course of the next year, I was constantly arguing with my mom, who thought my being trans was me trying to “get back at her” for the argument we’d had when I was 15 that led to my suicide attempt. Finally, exhausted, I gave up. I couldn’t take her anymore. I took the GED, got my high school equivalency certificate, and enrolled in community college. I began taking classes right away, hoping that my natural love for learning would be enough. Unfortunately it wasn’t, and I struggled. I took remedials though, and I eventually learned everything I needed. I recently got everything in line to train as a Honda-certified dealership mechanic. This past year, I dipped into my personal savings and began paying for medical transition through my local Planned Parenthood clinic, and got a psych evaluation done that led to a definitive diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum (a psych eval my mom refused to pay for when I was in the hospital)

I’m now 4 months into transition, and have a stable job & classes to take. I have a small network of close friends, and a couple of people who are basically unofficial surrogate family for me. I’m dating a wonderful woman who I’m absolutely in love with. And, I finally have enough money together to move out and burn bridges. Which brings us back to that question. My mom, I have learned, uses gaslighting tactics, is manipulative, and, had I known at a time that I could report it to DCFS, *clearly* qualifies as emotionally and psychologically abusive. My dad, while not a bad person, has this giant extended family (60+ total) that I hate (minus my grandpa & 1 cousin), but that he refuses to cut ties with. My younger brother isn’t terrible, but he’s a bit of an ass at times – standard sibling stuff. When I spent New Years with my girlfriend, I’d never felt safer, calmer, or more happy. Sure, part of that is that the relationship is still relatively young, but the safety? I don’t feel safe with anyone, even with the librarians I’m still in touch with, who I trust enough that I’d be confident in making them authorized medical decision makers in the event of my incapacitation (if not for state regulations making it impossible for that to happen). Is the potential damage worth it, in the end?

tl;dr – should I start fresh, even if I regret potentially hurting my dad?

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alicedoessurveys · 8 years ago

Text

165 Questions

(this took a couple days to complete so I don't know if the answers will even make sense haha)

did you pay attention to anything you were being taught in health class? we didn't really have a ‘health class’ at our school. we had a whole day once a term where our usual lessons were cancelled and we were all split off into different groups to learn all that shit. i used to stay home on those days because the routine change sent my anxiety sky high

what are your feelings regarding shopping? i like it when I'm in the right mood

do you think people have any misconceptions about you? i think people sometimes mistake me for being rude or stuck up when its actually that I'm quite shy

have you ever worn fishnets? Nope

do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? my sister’s house

do you believe prayer really works? i do, especially after this week

do you have one best friend who is always there for you? kind of

describe one of your most emotional farewells. not really had any emotional farewells

have you ever been tied up? eh, nope.. well not in a serious way :’)

how many times have you been cussed out? i dont think i really have been in a genuine way, only ever jokingly

does it bother you when people ask personal questions? not really, if it did i wouldn't have a tumblr just for surveys haha

do you know anyone who’s been in jail? dont think so nope

have you ever considered acupuncture? Nope i cant do needles

have you ever watched the same sex undress? only when it happens in films/tv but never watched a guy get fully naked aha

have you ever seen the last person you kissed cry? Nope

have you ever seen your mom or dad drunk? Yeah, but only a handful of times

do you enjoy mario games? not really played Mario games tbh

do you think that necessities should be free? (ex. food, toilet paper) not sure

does it bother you when dogs lick you? i love my dogs but i don't really like being licked, i don't like the feeling of it especially on my face or feet

do you feed your pets human food? Occasionally, but we always double check before that its nothing poisonous or anything

which is worse: being sexist or racist? dont even get me started. They're both as bad as each other. The thing about racism is that its never picked up on when it happens to a white person. We experience it too, but for some reason it doesn't count if you're white.. Racism is NEVER okay and it affects ALL races. White people, black people and every skin colour in between.

do you think suicide is selfish? Only if the way you do it affects someone else. for example, jumping in front of a train or car, or throwing yourself of the top floor of a busy shopping centre in front of loads of people. thats when it gets selfish because youre forcing other people to witness something that could be potentially traumatising and could disturb them for the rest of their lives. Especially when it involves jumping in front of a vehicle because that driver has to live their life knowing that someone died because they hit them with whatever they were driving. personally, if someone jumped in front of my car and ended up dying i would never drive again and it would ruin my life. so yeah, thats when suicide is selfish, and this was a long answer haha

would you take a dirty picture of yourself for someone you are dating? No

what are the most embarrassing songs in your itunes library? probably glee songs

how picky are you when it comes to choosing who to kiss or not kiss? seems I'm not fussy enough from past experience :’)

do you feel that having sex anywhere but a bed is more exciting? i wouldn't know

in your opinion, is it ever okay to get back with an ex? depends on the situation and why you broke up

what’s the first animal you go to see at the zoo? Whichever is closest to the entrance. we always need a system when we go to the zoo so we see everything haha

what’s the strangest or rarest creature you’ve seen at a zoo? when i went to australia zoo there were loads of creatures i didn't even know existed and i cant remember any of the names

what animal is at a zoo that really, in your opinion, shouldn’t be? im not sure. i think as long as the animals have a good way of life, are treated right and are happy then theres no reason why they shouldn't be at the zoo. and if being there means they're protected and can help the species not to go extinct then thats awesome!

do you like zoos or aren’t you bothered? i like the a trip to the zoo :) I'm gonna love taking a foster kid to the zoo

i offer you a cigarette, you say… no, and do not smoke anywhere near me

why do you think you were put on this earth? i haven't quite figured it out yet

is it ever okay to hit a child? when is this? it is never okay to hit a child

do you think violence in video/computer games influences the nation also? Maybe slightly, i think it can de-sensitise us and make us see violence as more normal. BUT saying that, i play gta and it doesn't make me want to go round punching/shooting people so it depends on the person i guess..

are you in any shape or form, racist? No. i don't understand it at all. at the end of the day, we’re all humans no matter where were born, what our nationality is, skin colour is. It doesn't matter. A person is a person.

are you in any shape or form, sexist? again it doesn't matter what gender you are, you're still a human being

how do you think the world will end? as a christian, i believe it ends when God decides it will end.

what natural phenomenon do you find the most beautiful? Aurora borealis or however you spell it

would you kill someone who killed a child? how about YOUR child? i dont think i could ever kill someone.

what is your favorite cover of a song? pretty much everything Pentatonix does. I LOVE their cover of ‘Hallelujah'

have you ever been in love with someone who was fatally ill? neve been in love

have you ever received or given a make-over? Yup, received a few. given a few, my male best friend was the best because he let us do a photoshoot of him in full make up and i still have the pictures :’)

do you know anyone who is HIV+? not that i know of

have you ever been to a desert? no, i was supposed to go riding camels in the desert while on holiday but i got sick and spent two days stuck in the hotel in bed

do you know any trans* people? Nope

what is your favorite beatles song? let it be.. is that them? Idk

what is the poorest you have ever been? Teenage years when i got £70 to last a month but it basically all went on my gym membership and bills.

i’m sure you know of the gamer fad on youtube. who’s your favorite? dont really follow any gamers, i like watching pointless blog play sims though

is there something written on your shirt right now? nope, its a plain black shirt

what is your favorite song to play on guitar hero or rock band? i dont play either of those

where do you find the surveys you take? i follow a load of survey Tumblrs and steal ‘em of there

what’s one weird/annoying thing your pet(s) tend to do? Sit at the door and bark every time they see a squirrel. or a bird. or a shadow. Literally anything and one of them will bark, then they all start barking and having four dogs barking its an absolute headache.

what’s your favorite song by your favorite artist? oh i cant answer that, i have too many favourites.

do you have an “original character?” i dont really get the question

what about a persona/fursona? wut..?

do you ever MAKE your own surveys? nope im not very original

why’s it the woman who have to give birth anyway if the man is physically stronger in most cases? first of all, rude. secondly, its all Eve’s fault.. read the bible

do you get good internet where you live? yeah its alright most of the time

ever had a cavity? how many? Never

ever broken a tooth? Nope

what did you do on the playground at your school as a child? i liked playing make believe. me and my friend in primary school came up with our own pretend kids tv show called witches and fairies where she played a witch, i played a fairy and we had adventures :’)

are you into comics? a bit

did you ever have computer disc games you played as a kid? Sims!! Rollercoaster tycoon & zoo tycoon.

what do you think of people who have therapists? Brave. I've had a few therapists during school/college so i know how difficult it is and i gave up on therapy so i really admire people who stick with it

do you have any of those adult coloring books? i have a few, my favourite is one full of the original Alice in wonderland artwork. ALSO i found out the other day theres a fantastic beasts one and i rally want it

ever ridden an elephant? Nope

deserts: dreary or beautiful? i think they can look beautiful in pictures but i imagine they'd be dreary irl

ever seen a panda? only in pictures

what kind a camera do you have? my phone is my main camera. i do own a Sony a290 dslr that i have to buy for college but i don't use it anymore

do you have stretch marks? where? don’t be shy, they’re tiger stripes! i do, on my thighs

lobsters: cool or scary? Scary

opposoms: total vermin or cute? i dont know what they are

what tv channel dominated your childhood? Cbbc

ever actually seen a snake in the wild? dont think i have nope

have you ever had a PET snake? what kind? NO! Snakes scare me

ever had an encounter with a snapping turtle? they’re scary! i have not nope

do you like oatmeal? Nope

wherever you live, have you ever seen your national bird? does England have a national bird?!

ever had a reptile as a pet that you had to feed crickets? Nope. i would like a bearded dragon, but having to feed it live bugs freaks me out. even just the thought of having the bugs in my house i cant even

ever play hearthstone? dont know what that is..

ever gone hunting? biggest thing you’ve ever shot? No. and I'm disgusted by people who do hunt

how about fishing? biggest thing you’ve ever caught? i used to fish with my grandad when i was a kid, but i only ever caught small ones

coolest place you’ve ever been fishing? Idk I've only ever been to lakes on camp sites

which is cooler: african or asian elephant? i didn't know there was a difference

craziest thing you’ve ever eaten? i dont eat crazy stuff, I'm too scared of eating crazy stuff

what’s in a camel’s back? Idk ask the camel

steve irwin: foolish for messing around with animals or brave for teaching us? Brave. i love Steve irwin, i think he did great work and its a shame he died. I've been to his zoo in australia and I’ve never seen happier animals in a zoo. we spent at least half an hour watching the tigers play in the water with the zoo keepers and you could tell there was a genuine love between them.

what do you think of people who put their whole life on social media? If thats what they want to do then fine.

don’t you think it’s a bit deceptive to wear a push-up bra? nope. if wearing a push up bra makes you feel better about yourself and gives you confidence then you do it!

do you truly believe we came from chimps? No

well, what do you think of extra bones and even organs in our bodies? why do we have them? Idk

if you could choose anyone to be your father, who would it be? my dad

weirdest video game you’ve ever played? i dont think I've played any weird games tbh

we’re having a pig-pickin’! whatcha eating? a what?

ever been on a scary hay ride? no I'm a chicken

ever been to a castle? Yuppie live like half an hour away from Warwick castle so I've been there a lot in my life

what’s your favorite kind of penguin? rockhopper- we had to make penguin masks in college for one of the shows the actors were doing so i made a mask of a rockhopper penguin

whales. should they be allowed in sea world? if they're treated right then yeah

ever seen an albino? whether it be human or animal? yeah there was someone in my school who was albino

what do you think of the song “miss jackson” by panic! at the disco? Don't think I've heard it

what is the wallpaper on your best friends cell phone? it used to be a picture of me and him but i don't know if he's changed it

do you feel comfortable singing in front of others? No

do you like using big words when you talk? No I tend to say words wrong and make a fool of myself

do you EVER use caps lock? Rarely. i cant read things very well if they're written in capitals

are you loud when you’re having sex? Doubt it

have you ever wanted to drop out of school? yes, i hated school but in England you're not allowed to just drop out

when was the last time you watched south park? dont think I've ever watched it

are you italian? nope

are you interested in photography at all? Yes i enjoy taking photos and used to be super into it but when i studied it in college i had such an awful time it kinda ruined it

any survey takers that annoy you on tumblr? nope

do you like bob marley? hes alright, I've not really listened to his music much so i don't really have an opinion

can you talk to your parents about anything without them judging or bickering at you? my mom, pretty much yeah. dad, not so much.

are you interested in art? a bit, not a lot though

don’t you think we’re spending too much money on exploring the mere theory of climate change? no i think were not spending enough. we should all be way more concerned with global warming than we are

everyone always wants to know your favorite animal. what’s your SECOND favorite? i dont have a first favourite so i cant have a second favourite. i just have a big list of favourites

who’s your favorite disney character? again, i don't have a favourite there are too many. i tend to like the sidekicks in the movies more than the main characters like Sven & Olaf from frozen, Pascal & Maximus from Tangled etc

have you ever taken the eharmony personality quiz? Nope

do you take vitamins? if so, what kinds? Vitamin C

how much was your prom dress? what’s the most you’d spend? my prom dress wasn't very expensive, I can't remember exactly how much it was. I still have it in my wardrobe but I don't like it

would you marry someone of a different religion? Possibly, if i loved them enough. and if they understood i wouldn't change my religion

how did you learn the word “fuck”? probably at school

if you could make one of your enemies your best friend, who would it be? i dont have enemies so idk

what is the last movie you saw in theaters? Passengers

have you ever got into a wreck? not a serious one nope

do you think you are an argumentative person? Not really, unless its something I'm passionate about or if I'm hurt by something

can you admit when you’re wrong? Yeah

are you easily confused? very :’)

do you think you would make a good wife/husband? i think i would

have you ever caught a butterfly? not on purpose.

have you ever deliberately tried to get someone drunk? nope i dont drink so i wouldn't try make anyone else

do you like being kissed on the neck? no, it feels gross

favorite song by the band the offspring? never heard of them

how many times each morning do you press the snooze button? i dont set an alarm often and when i do i don't press snooze

when you go out to eat, what sides do your order with your food? normally fries

what video game or computer game are you best at? sims

how do you normally come across new music? listening to the radio, or when ads or videos use a song i like the sound of i find out what it is

what subject in school do you feel is the least necessary? English, I've never had to analyse a book or poem in my life since leaving school

do you enjoy power outages or do you get annoyed? no they're annoying

are you pretty politically correct? idk probably

have you ever behaved like a stalker? probably online yeah :’)

do you appreciate other people’s opinions? depends what its about

if you could pick your own pet name, what would it be? pet name for myself or for an actual pet..? I've already decided when i get my own dog i want to call it moose

do you care what’s going on in the world? i care, but i don't make an effort to find out cause its usually all depressing stuff

how many partners is too many? at one time or like in a lifetime..? lifetime it doesn't matter but if you have more than one parter at once then thats too many

do you examine the tissue after you blow your nose? nope

do you prefer boys to shave down there? Idk

how much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)? she knows its non existent

are any of your siblings married? what are their spouse’s names? Nope ut she lived with her partner Tom

have you ever had a pet bird? Yeah, we used to own to cockatoos called bobby and beauty

how many times have you moved in your lifetime? 2

if you could get one piercing and one tattoo, where would you want them? dont want any piecrings. i have a tattoo already but i want another one on my ankle/foot of a lighthouse

would you consider yourself to be adventurous? Nope

has any part of your house ever been flooded? dont think so

is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? who and why? our foster baby, he's two weeks old tomorrow but he's still in hospital with drug withdrawals so he cant come home yet

if you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? to what organization would you donate it? I would donate to dogs home or a mental health charity

describe the best friend you’ve ever had, or the best person you’ve ever known. I cab right now

have you ever adopted a stray animal? We've adopted a few dogs in my lifetime but none recently

what time did you wake up this morning? about 9am

ever wonder if you’re someone’s everything? yeah, i cant see anyone getting to know me and being like ‘shes perfect for me’ like srsly I'm too much of a mess

would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde? not platinum nope

what is your mom’s middle name? Anne

do you know the color of your ex boyfriend/girlfriend’s eyes? n/a

have you had your wisdom teeth out? Nope

your appendix? yeah, mine burst when i was two years old and tried to kill me haha

#survey #long

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daughterofhel · 3 years ago

Text

Just, void screaming. Ignore

Is this a pity party? Honestly. Maybe. Which I hate even further but fuck man, I’ve got no one to talk to but need to feel like I’m talking to SOMEONE. This is just bitching and ranting and woe is me bullshit. Sorry; just figured Tumblr was the spot to do it. Easy to be lost to the void while somehow feeling public enough that I can convince myself it matters.

Not that I expect anyone to still be reading, as this really is just a stranger here throwing a fit, but I’d like to say I already am going to therapy.

That out of the way..

Holy. FUCK.

I’m trying so god damned hard to work on myself. To get better. Get over shit and improve and grow as a person and shits always shoving me back. I still keepnfuckin going but man some days it’s just fucking overwhelming and you spiral down. I hate how often I’m spiraling back down.

I hate how alone I feel even with a wonderful wife. She and I talk. None of this convo is something we haven’t talked about but I also don’t want to just dump my constant woes on the woman I love. To the only person who loves me without any strings or conditions or whatever. I adore her. But god are we both lonely. I worry strongly it’s partly my fault. I think often; I can’t help it but I really am working on it. But god damn. My parents were kinda warped and conditional with their affections for me.

Only once I got a little older did my mother really bother, since I was no longer a burden but could be of use. Especially once she had her own kids. Now when I do get graced with any kind of greeting it’s for a mix of things. Typically I means she’s about to hit my father up for money; which means she’s gotta make sure she and I are cool so that cash still keeps coming. Other times it’s cuz she wants that mother daughter bond thing we absolutely do not have and wants to pretend it’s there. Nearly every call we speak her traumas of the past get brought up.

And fuck I feel really bad that happened to you mom, I see how it’s really wrecked your life up even now and I’ve offered the best advice I can, I’ve offered the kinda words, the supporting words, done what I can to my own best ability. Even if it’s always just letting you speak about the rapes of your past that I don’t want to hear about at all. I know that sounds selfish but I’ve heard it a lot and I know they still bother you so much and I know I am not the person whose gonna help you work through those. Im just.. not.

I hate when she cries about how her life was ruined from the few years she was together with my father; how his abuse and manipulations to this day affect all these things. How she reminds me and talks about them in detail nearly ever call as if this is news? Woman, I grew up ALONE with him. I’m fuckin aware what he’s like and how that fucks you up, thanks.

It’s some kind of fucked up bonding to her. Our last call, with my grandmother in the hospital and I having FaceTimed to get updates and say hi to my grandmother (I live in another country than them) she loudly detailed her miserable life with my father in front of the nurses as she reminded me how she’d have to hide us in closets in the dark to calm and feed me as he’d snap at any noise. How he’d hurt her. How she took us out of that home from him before she decided it was more important I had my father in my life since hers never really was. How she did what she could but there was no winning custody from my father when it came down to it.

I’m so use to hearing two different stories from both my parents as they paint the other as bad and I remember more than I want to. I silently listen and mumble the appropriate words. But I know my mother is either in denial or magically forgotten her own shit just like my father has his own shit.

While he slept around and wasn’t home for days and shit she would lock herself in her room. Or she’d go out dressed up to the bars and shit and leave me locked in that room. Sometimes for a couple DAYS. I KNOW this.

It was just worse when they were both home though. God. The screaming and breaking of shit. I still can remember trying to clean snotty tears and blood off my mothers face as I apologized for being bad and making dad mad after he had picked her up by the throat and threw her through our crappy american drywall walls.

I hate how this came up in convo. I hate how she mentioned how she wasn’t sure if my father ever touched me; sexually. Like hers did to her before he fucked off forever. I also hate how much she kept trying to bring up stuff and cases where she thinks it might’ve been possible, as if I needed that to be a thing on top of the other shit. She kept talking about it as if she WANTED it to be true. For us to have another fucking thing to relate to each other. Which. HOLY fuck woman. I called to say hi to my possibly dying grandmother and get info on THAT. Not for any of this.

Honestly. I don’t know. I don’t know if dad did that shit. If so, that’s a really sealed tight fucking memory. I’m currently focusing on the, what my therapist flat out calls torture, he put me through. My very own Mr Jeckel and Mr Hyde. Me Perfect Mr Nightmare. At the flip of a switch back and fucking forth. Spoiled and tortured.

I had my first breakdown that I can recall at age 5. I barely remember that trailer but fuck I remember enough. I remember a solid week of constantly getting the leather belt and screamed at by that marine. I didn’t immediately pick up my toys. I was struggling to tie my shoes. I didn’t answer right away. I made a mess with my food. I almost burnt our soup I was supposed to be managing on the stove: I had my own stool and all. I just felt.. overwhelmed. I told a childish lie, I don’t remember the lie but he utterly lost it. Lying remains the very worst possible offense to my father. What was an attempt to avoid more beating and screaming turned into a long nightmare.

I don’t remember those walls. But I remember his face. I remember being sat on the counter, as he demanded I look him in the eyes when I was talking to him or being screamed at. I remember him visibly shaking, him being so so red. The veins popping out of his forehead and neck. The muscles on his arms in the shirts he always had to cut just to fit those arms through. I could draw that glare as he always held it close to mine to make sure I couldn’t and didn’t focus elsewhere. His interrogating. I know I thought I had caught a break when that landline started ringing. I’ve no idea who it was who called.

My dads teeth were gritted as he responded curtly to the person on the phone who wasn’t getting the hint he didn’t want to talk. And I remember, sitting so high up on that counter, alone with this man, knowing he was about to hang up and no one was gonna stop him, that I was never gonna get this right, that I just. Felt some hopeless I started laughing. I saw the look he shot me and I swear the memory still makes my stomach sink every ducking time. And I was crying cuz I couldn’t stop laughing. He hung up quick and demanded to know what I thought was funny. That did I think lying was funny? Of course I didn’t and my ‘I don’t know’ responses never ever were received well. I just. I couldn’t stop laughing.

God I’m glad I don’t remember the rest but I do know he fixed that laughing problem pretty quick. I only remember how much I hurt.

I have so many things to say, so many years of even more shit; the things you just learn to survive. How you learn to not play strong with a man whose strong enough to make it hurt if he suspects it isn’t. You learn he wants to hear you scream and cry. But to a certain degree; when I got to that barely breathing ugly crying with pouring snot sniffling stage he got grossed out and threatened he’d give me a real reason to cry if I didn’t cut that shit out. Leaning over a surface so it doesn’t matter if your legs give out as your there’d bare assed to a folded braided leather belt being brought down amidst yelling was only part of that shit.

Once the beating was done I was orders where I was to stand or sit waiting for him to call me into his office. This could sometimes be a few hours. And god forbid I moved; he moves so silently, occasionally checking to make sure I was ‘reflecting on what I did wrong.’ Assuming I didn’t fuck that up it would be time for a new round of mixed levels of yelling. A foot or two from his face he’d want me to inform him what I did wrong, that I didn’t want to be miserable and anything like my mother, that it’s hard enough on him when I’m not doing my job and he’s doing his. (My job being the house and my grades). Then it was time for me to explain how I’d avoid doing what I did wrong again, and then I was to pick an appropriate punishment.

Takin away my time to tv, my PlayStation, going outside or having friends over. This was its own test; if I was too light on the punishment he thought my offense deserved I’d get screamed at and beat there by hands of his like iron and sent back to my room to wait to further reflect with a 50-50 chance of him either calling me into his room to whip me or to give me a second chance with a worse longer punishment chosen by me for the now double offense.

I hate how awkward I am with gifts. I know it’s partly dads fault. He’d buy me all kinds of things all the time. I didn’t really ever ask. Not to the sheer amount he would go out and get and give stuff. I was to be appropriately thankful. But of course, if I messed up with having not finished all the chores (and the right way) or not responding to him quick enough, watching cartoons before I finished my homework, you name it, my new stuff often got broken in front of me. Snap and crushed and thrown and shattered as he screamed over me as I was also yelled at to pick that shit up. And fast.

So yeah mom. I’m sorry he ruined holidays and gifts for you. I’m honestly sorry you still think about your time with him and that it hurts you. But you’re talking to the wrong person. I’m aware what it’s like, and I know you know. You want to relate on that but not really hear much from me except validation to how much it’s fucked you up.

I wake from the dead of sleep when a door slams. I didn’t even wake when I was asleep in a carcrash, that’s how heavy I sleep, you hear? And this door thing isn’t new but it got revamped by an event when I was just out of highschool. We built a home in Texas and we had a lot of space. I just happened to met and know and bond with folks in shitty situations and offered them a place to live until they got on their feet. One of the girls begged for her mother’s dog to stay with us. Mind you she never took care of this dog. My other roommates and I did. I even built the lady a doghouse as well as buying a big water thing for outside since it’s TEXAS.

But one weekend I was dog sitting for a friend who was going out of town for a horse show she was part of. Big lanky playful pup. He wasn’t hurting the old little dog but he did keep trying to get her to play. The girl didn’t like that and kept separating them. I told her to not move that dog away from the shelter and water, it’s summer in Texas. I had been working a double shift (16hrs) and was fucning exhaushsted and just crashed on my bed with one of my friends. (I had a big bed. Often shared with a handful of people). Well, apparently that girl moved that dog far away from hers, leaving the poor thing chained up to a single tree, no shelter, no water, and he was crying. My father stormed into the basement madder than fucking hell.

He doesn’t tolerate animal abuse. I was barely an hour into sleep, unaware of the situation, when he grabs and yanks me by the ankle, it startled awake my fried next to me, as he screamed at me. I thought he was going to throw me against the wall. I was still not fully awake to process what he was screaming at me for. Which enraged him more. I figured out what it was and quickly moved the dog back to the shelter and water and reported to my still super pissed off father. I got pretty upset with that one roommate; it ended up being one of the many many things that I had her move out over. I’m not my father, even if angry at the other shit she had pulled, I packed her stuff and helped load it into her car as she went to live somewhere else. No matter how bad it got between me and some of my temporary roommates, I always packed their stuff and helped loaded it away.

But being jarred awake and fearing instantly for my life as I was face to face with my fathers rage has me still on alert with slamming doors.

And right now? Living with my wife’s parents and aunt, it’s becoming a slight problem. Our nephew spends most of his time here than he does at his own home. Since COVID he’s been to his own home less than a week in total. And his grandparents and great aunt are 100% enablers of really shitty behavior. They just want quiet so they left him have whatever he wants no matter what. Anytime my wife and I try to law down rules and enforce them he screamed and slammed shit, telling everyone to fuck off and how he hates them, loudest screaming he can manage, more slaming more screaming, and this can go on for an hour or more.

And the ‘adults’ yell at US and tell us off in front of the kid. He’s aware he will get what he wants. If he doesn’t want to go to school, he doesn’t go. This kid spent well than more days home than at school. Just cuz he didn’t feel like it and wanted to play video games. He watches stupid shit on Instagram and tilt ol and your Uber influencer folks and sees all this named brand shit and insists he HAS to have that shit. That shit that costs enough money to make your eyes buldge for a stupid crappy hoodie or his, no joke, 100th pair of shoes or newest PC assessory or whatever.

His mother time to time borrows money she doesn’t always pay back, cuz she and her boyfriend struggle with bills or feeding their own cats cuz she never tells this kid no since he throws a bitch fit. It’s wearing so fucking thin on us. It’s hard to dote and love on our nephew when he’s so shitty to his family. He refuses to go to therapy and no one makes him go. He literally less than a YEAR ago finally started wiping his own ASS, and he’s 11.

I’ve been warning him a lot lately to not have his laptop at the table cuz there’s a bunch of folks at the table with plates and bowls and multiple glasses of water, pitchers of water, and he’s gonna be really upset if he ruins his computer. He can just use his phone. It’s not like he stays at the table that long as it is. He’s been super bitchy about it but I’ve been very stern on it the last few days. Well, today he was fucking around with something with the water and got it on his phone. There were no paper towels.

So he threw an horrid fucking fit. Lost his entire fucking mind. As my wife and I are trying to reason with him and teach him to not react like this when things happen like that and to instead ask for help or thibk, what else can I use, like the kitchen towel for example, everyone’s enabling his tantrum and coddling it and telling us to hush up. We are trying to teach him how to fucking handle life! Any time any little thing doens go his way immediately he gives up or throws a fit or something! It’s not healthy. So we are trying to ask him to talk about why he’s feeling overwhelmed with this or that, help him figure out what can be done (or accept that sometimes that’s just how life is, what’s important it your attitude, a spilt glass is a spilt glass, whether you laugh or scream and cry. It’s happened. Your approach to how you handle that will make you a happier person and folks happier to be around you).

We help him where we can, try to show him things. But no one else cares! If it’s not an instant quick fix to what he wants we need to shut up and back off. And it just fucning sucks to see how this is only going to end badly! He isn’t being raised how to handle anything at all in life. His moms off living her single life with her boyfriend and we’re trying to raise this kid with three adults who are all making things worse and overriding any progress we make.

Today. He snatched his laptop and made a point of putting it on the table during us prepping dinner. I took it out and told him it can wait until he’s done with dinner, we’re already trying to fix his phone. He will survive one dinner without being on his phone or computer.

He throws himself to the fucking FLOOR screaming and crying. I get yelled at by one of the grandparents while the great aunt tried to ‘reason’ with me. Last time she distracted me with what I thought was genuine conversation she was actually having with me but was really jsut so the kid could sneak his laptop into the kitchen. So I stood my ground this time. Let the kid throw his stupid fit. Dinner will be finished soon and he can play and watch his videos. He literally takes 10 minutes to eat and leaves. I’m in the midst of helping my wife cook and set the table when I’m told to essentially shut up and let him have the laptop and.

I just got so mad. I apologizes to my wife but i know my limits. I know them. And I was about to do or say something. It’s every god damned day with this. I literally wake up to this kid screaming and bitching and slamming doors and throwing fits cuz he wants something and he’s not getting it. He literally got those tiny finger plastic skateboards cuz he saw and wanted them. And his mom came and picked him up to go BUY these when she’s nearly broke, yelled at us for calling him out on this and how he could have waited, and then ten minutes later ask us for money and food for her pets.

And today?

Today I was so fucking done. So fucking mad. So mad at how they treat my wife. So mad at how their attitudes are ruining the development of this kid who I really do love and I only see him getting shittier as a person. And I went to our room. And my wife joined and cried and cried. Of course the kid got his laptop and all was fine for everyone downstairs. Of course it was. My wife had already cooked dinner and prepped the table. I already folded and hung out the latest laundry. Who cares if we’re hurting.

On my way up the stairs I told that kid he’s an asshole. To be fair its almost daily he screams at us to go fuck our selves and that we are assholes and how he hates us. I told him he treats his family badly, the family who loves him. And that’s what I left it at. They’re all Italian. I’m still learning to speak so I’m not able to articulate myself super strongly. Which makes ALL OF THIS so much harder and more frustrating. So so so much harder. But I’m so tired of my wife crying. I’m so tired of how they treat her. I hate how her aunt texted how she loves her and then goes on to excuse this kids shit behavior and reprimand our actions and shit. Why is it the kids feelings are the only ones that matter? Why is my wife constant collateral? You’re damned right I’m fuckin mad.

I’m struggling to work on overcoming my own personal problems and triggers with this EDMR therapy and I’m wakin up up a cocktail of some of my literal nightmares and the kid and family KNOW IT. They don’t know the finer details like my wife and therapist. But fuck man. They KNOW and yet they let him keep behaving like this. They keep telling us we are wrong and we’re being too hard on the kid and he’s struggling cuz his parents divorced.

Well shit kid. That sucks. I’m sorry. That’s rough. But you literally have a huge family of people who adore and love you. My god I would love to have that. Right now? The fucked up part? My closest kindest most helpful person in my life besides my wife is my father. His age has mellowed him out. He’s still fucked on some stuff. But it’s been nearly 30 years. He’s not totally changed but he surly is worlds away from the man I started out with. His financial help provides us food on the table. He recently helped us get a new fridge so my wife’s parents can use it without bending and hurting their backs.

Today I get informed by my mother in law, who had not been present for any of tonight’s drama, that my wife needs to stop and that I am to not curse as her grand son ever again. Which, I said he was being an asshole? Cuz he was? He was screaming Curses at us, has been nearly every day anytime he’s mad. I called him out. I didn’t scream it; I don’t scream. I want to be nothing like my father. But I did call him out. Am I proud for calling an 11 boy he’s an asshole? Erm. No. But god he’s emotionally abusive to this family ajd they allow and encourage it. I’m so scared he’s gonna end up pushing one of them in his fits and it’s gonna hurt one of them badly or worse! Their health’s already shaky. We’ve already had to help her father up the stairs and to the bathroom and get dressed and undressed due to him feeling back. Hell today my wife took him to a few different docs. It’s been a long fucking day.

This kid was being horribly rude and nasty to my wife. To the grandparents who love him. Was close to breaking stuff. All cuz he had to eat without his laptop! Cuz he didn’t listen and got water on his fuckin phone! Which is now working thank god; we fixed that. I just.

I want to cancel therapy. Wise? No. Probably not. But we NEED to get out of here.

We already don’t really have any friends. We kinda do. But it’s.. kinda temporary conditional. Generally more along the lines of ‘work’ related or we’re the only ones free at that moment in time. Not that they’re bad folks they just don’t need us like we need in return.

Personally I know I have problems. I’m boring. I’ve abandonment issues I have and still am working on. And I overthink and I’m so worried that this fucking cluster of things just.. make me one of those folks doomed to just. Not have friends. I hate myself every waking moment of my fucking life cuz I so badly want friends. I wish I didn’t. I have tried and tried to not want it. But I do. And it sucks. I know it’s me; when something keeps happening it’s clear you’re the problem. And I ask often. Maybe once a week, a month for sure, my wife what I am doing wrong. What I’m not doing enough. What I could do better. She doesn’t have any answers and I can’t keep asking her. I hate to ask. I hate wearing her down. I don’t know what to do. I am just a fun fling friend. A week, a month, sometimes a year or so, but then it dwindles and dies off

And I spent all my life living between homes when it wasn’t with my father, giving up on my privacy, on my interests, my freedom, to put on a smile ajd take on new chores, often caring for kids, and swallowing my own feelings and being less than second or even third place in anyone’s life; I just want someone to choose me first you know? I miss the days of having friends who were excited to have free time cuz that meant they had time to hang out or chat or something! I don’t beg; I won’t beg. I don’t want to have to fight for a slot in someone’s schedule and pray I get lucky. I also know I can’t expect people to have the same wants in a relationship as I do. And so I’m stuck. Sad, quiet, and thankful for what I get when I get it, and quietly letting stuff go. Because the few friends I have are decent folk, but I’m never going to be that friend folks want to be around to just be around.

And I’m still struggling to accept that. Cuz fuck. Alright it hurts. I look back and every friendship lasted only as long as I had something to provide in service. Once I couldn’t provide or they found something better, either they drifted off or just completely dropped off the radar. And that…

That sucks so fuckin much. I don’t think I’m a shitty person? I think I can be entertaining? I listen. Maybe my humor isn’t okay? I ramble too much? Too spacey? I go over the list so often I don’t even know. I’m tired.

I’m not talking romantic here but god I do want to be loved. Or at least have a couple folks good at faking it. I hate that I miss my most toxic friendships. At least they were around. I knew theyd talk to me. Want to. Would seek me out. I knew free days meant we were gonna chill (not always but a good chance!). And I know adult friendships are a bit different. I know work and romance and family take the front seat.

I just want to matter to someone a little more than the one use I can provide. I want to be more than a fun temporary distraction.

I’m beyond thankful for the woman I married. And I mourn that her friends live far away too. We both just want friends. I want to have my wife tell me she’ll be back late cuz she’s going out. I want to see her send me a silly photo or a food snap and have her come back home late, glowing and laughing and smiling with her friends. I want to invite them over to dinner and be on comfortable terms with them. I want to goofy around and be loud and rough house and geek out with my own friends. I want to have that found family you know?

Nearly everyone’s dead on my fathers side and whose left is.. best left alone. Or has made it clear they don’t thibk much of me. Ajd my mother’s side don’t talk to me. I moved so much I don’t know them and most of them never bothered cuz they never thought I’d survive as it were. My mother’s burnt bridges and that means any chance I had is pretty much gone. I don’t know where each and every cousin and and it’s just wierd to try and connect cuz we have blood. It’s just. Been too many many years. And it’s not like a single persons ever reached out my way you know? Polite to my face and I so back. But that’s the end of it.

God I’m just so burnt out. I’m so sad more than not. I’m trying to get out of my funk. I hate how I stay in bed. I don’t mean to. I just. It’s our only space to be left alone in, for the most part. Every home I’ve lived in being alone was best. My room (if I had that, or at the least it was shared with someone else), was one of the few solace’s. Usually my only real peace was the bathroom.

And I am finding it hard to break out of that. I want to quit therapy and save up money and get us OUT of here. I feel my progress would go better and my wife would be so much happier if we could just Get Out.

Maybe we’d even be fortunate and meet some friends who liked us and wanted to be around, if we had our own place? A fun possibility. I am use to running a house. I’ve done it countless times. It was my job with my father. Often it was a strange mash up of that with other families but with a lot less freedom.

I’ve stayed up all night cuz I feel like puking and I’m drowning and I needed to just.. get the thoughts out of my head just a little. I know I’ve only scratched the surface. I haven’t shared everything. I don’t really plan to. But these are the things most in my head

Dealing with this shit. On top of this therapy that has me reliving my childhood traumas one at a time to heal them over or some shit on top of waking up to screaming and doors slamming as my wife gets yelled at for trying to stop that situation sucks. Seeing my phone buzz only to constantly see just comic updates (often to comics I’m not even waiting on), my father messaging me either bad news or stuff he’s doing, and my mother with her bullshit and her bad news and guilt trips, instead of a friendly hello is just.

I’m tired of crying too. My fathers discipline has made me adverse to crying. I literally tore myself off the road when I wrecked my motorcycle, I forced my knee to bend so I could continue on my way to work where I treated the road rash, the rolled flesh, the open wounds, with rubbing alcohol— which took the breath right out of my fucking lungs, and I didn’t cry. But this shit?

I’m so worn. My therapist praises me for surviving when I wish I didn’t.

For my wife? I will try. For her. I can’t hurt her.

But god. What’s fucking relief it would be. I wish there was just something I could do. To fix this. To be less selfish and problematic. Though as I can very clearly remember wishing all my life for any kind of mercy to never see it, I know that’s not gonna happen. You are your own hero or your own villian. Right now I’m both and I’m losing.

I’m probably gonna just get dressed since the suns up and start drawing more wood plans. I need to make extra money. I can be sad and work; I’ve had jobs before. Ha.

I thoroughly believe life will be a little better once we have breathing room. I’m so tired.

#don’t read #just let me void scream #I’ll get over it #always do

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shadzennjakereak · 5 years ago

Text

Thoughts of a vulnerable man and well, it’s my life story. Kinda

~~So to lead this off, this was a mostly comprised as a message I would send to my closest friend. But well, for archival purposes I wanted to leave this here on my dead af Tumblr account because, well that is what I use it for afterwards. So if some things read somewhat oddly, it is probably due to it being written as a letter in sorts for someone.~~

------ Well... hm.... I'll hit on the major things kinda like I have when I have done therapy in the past. So uh... when shad was a young boy, roughly around 10, I was at a mom's side family Christmas party and me and my female cousin of the same age, Erin, was playing around. Another cousin of mine, whos name I forget, was roughly 15 years old brought us to the basement and pretty much tried to make us fuck. So yes, I was partially molested as a child, LUCKILY my young brain kinda knew this was not normal and grabbed my brother, while im fully naked, and well he got involved and stopped it. However the entire family outside of the immediate, sided with my older cousin and well my family got cut out of my mother's side. As for Father's side, well they are all in Maryland so I have never met them.

Now fast forward a few years, im a shy kid whatever nothing much happens. We get into Highschool where I have my friend group and this one girl I'm hard crushing on who so happens to be my closest friend. Her name was Micky, very weird girl, always cosplaying and well... Everyone assumed we were dating because well even at school we were always like cuddling and shit, HOWEVER we never did. She pretty much had a sugar daddy the entire time and the one time I knew in Senior year that she was single, I asked her out and well, was rejected and pretty from there we stopped interacting. So I not only lost my closest friend, but also well felt the pain of rejection of the one who I was in love with.

Now suddenly in highschool I'm desperate to get laid after getting rejected and well, turn to craigslist, find a milf who takes my virginity, cool. While that was very vanilla it was a fun learning experience. I did know my baseline kinks at this point. I kinda immediatly learned all that early into my life. Highschool was easy going more or less. I had great grades without trying much and looked decent, despite only having a singular relationship, back in 8th grade, at this point so I kinda never had that confidence in me. Hm... well highschool passes and I reject a couple small scholarships for wrestling because I'm an idiot. I enroll into Eastern Michigan University.

This would be my first time away from home pretty much ever and adulting for myself. It went terribly. This is what broke me and has been the root of my mental issues. I went to some classes, did fine, but this mother fucking Friday 2-d art class was from 8am - 6pm. I was going for a computer graphics animation degree which I absolutely love to this day, but well I despise drawing and that was all this class was. I hated it so much and couldn't even wake up for it that I stopped going. I got scared of how my parents would react and hid this information until the very end of the semester where they found out. I failed that class and another due to attendance (despite having an A in the class itself).

I agreed with my parents to retake those two courses. I did, but immediatly into I fell back into the slump. I was alone again, only person close to me was Dra, my roommate. My friends from highschool never contacted me, and I ignored family. I was utterly alone so I decided to attempt to take my life. Due to a miracle Dra was there and prevented this. So I lived. However as the year went on I grew scared and frightful of going home, so I ran. I decided to work at Cedar Point which is in Ohio and has on-boarding rooms. So I went there without telling my parents why.

Eventually my father would gank me at Cedar Point and I told him everything that happened. He was just disapointed, but happy to at least talk to me again for the first time in honestly 1.5years. While I was working there I made close friends, as Dra also worked here and I met others. I at least started to feel some happiness again since leaving highschool. I had one relationship with a girl while working there. It kinda ended due to her not accepting my kinks when I told her. I also had another girl who was interested in me, but she refused to date me because she didn't want to do Long Distance once we stopped working at Cedar Point for the season. Well, Cedar Point closed at the end of October for the 2016 season. I had to go back home.

I go back home with my family and just bum there. I am not looking for a job or looking to go back to class. I was only playing games, eating, and sleeping. Eventually my father got sick of my shit and got me a temp job at his workplace at the end of December of that year. I worked there for a month helping reorganize files for the Human Resources department to help them with their acquistion of another company. At the end of January 2017, they offered me a full-time job as a Human Resources Intern. I had no interest... but my father convinced me to take the job as a way to get paid schooling down the line. So I accepted.

Throughtout the year I do what I can, but my emotional state is all sorts of fucked. I am working a 8-5 job that is an hour away. I am not a morning person as you know. I wake up around 6am every day for this job and well, my body cant handle it. I got into a major car accident on my way home from work one day. I luckily had no injuries nor the person I hit, but my car got totalled. I continue working. I do what I can, but one of the woman I worked under hated my work. She was always critiquing me, giving me bs tasks to do, and just never really letting me feel like I do decent work, and never teaching me anything. I had no prior experience or education for this job for christs' sake! She wares down on my mental regularly.

It wasn't much better at home. My mother constantly is yelling at me to lose weight, that I look like shit, I need to take care of myself, I need to go back to school. She never complimented me. So my own Mother and this woman at work were 2 devils in my ears that broke me down more and more everyday with nowhere safe to hide. It destroyed me. However Acri comes along and says "Hi, here's Kelsey" around July of 2017. This was my first real girlfriend. Things were happy and great at first. She helped me with my mental and so on. However you know how her story arc goes.

Now back at work, it was October 2016. I get into another car accident after falling asleep while driving into work. I was right outside of the office when this happened, so everyone there knew this was happening. I get this taken care of with the police and the report. I go into my dad's office to avoid people as he offered to, and would let me file the insurance stuff. But, the woman who berated me regulary came knocking on the office door and saying "Hello? You ever going to come to your desk and actually do work today?" This is when I break... I shut the door on her and text my dad to come back asap. I tell him what happened and he agrees to fire me for unemployment benefits. I am unemployed yet again.

I go for most of October and November jobless. I eventually pick a job up at Panera Bread in December of 2017. I am still dating Kelsey, and we have met IRL a few times now. She despises my family due to a few stupid disputes. She refuses to hear rhyme or reason and just hates them without compromise. However working at Panera was nice. I met a lot of people there and was working evening shifts, so I had a regular sleep schedule that wouldn't cause driving accidents. While working there I need to leave home, my mother is still berating me and tearing me apart at home. I start looking into an apartment, and while doing so, Kelsey insists she needs to leave her home state of Pennsylvania. I feel like we are ready to move in together thinking things were okay. I settled on in apartment in June 2018.

After taking a week off, I move into the aprtment myself with my parents help, and Kelsey shortly after. My parents and kelsey had a major argument at this point. My parents insisted on having the apartment key to tidy up things while I spent the weekend driving to PA to move Kelsey's shit, and Kelsey despised this idea as anything my parents did was evil in her eyes. So they argued and argued. My mom also eventually would find my sex toy in my room back home and we had a major argument about those. She would call me the Devil's child and we never would really be on "friendly" terms again.

Well after moving Kelsey into my new apartment, I realize the mistake I made. She is useless as a human being. She does nothing to help around the apartment. I am working full time and the only one capable of driving. Kelsey would sit home and do nothing but eat and game. She did no chores, and if I asked her to, she would yell at me. We had no sex life either. She strung me along making me act like a father, driving her where she needed to go, buying her groceries, doing chores at home. I sacrificed everything and would never recieve anything in return. She eventually would break up with my at the start of February 2019. I was destroyed, but this was thankfully something that had to happen. While I was destroyed and heavily suicidal again, I eventually recovered and started going to therapy. Also mind you Kelsey was blaming me for things, she was saying how I needed to get better, how I was the lazy one, how I didn't do enough to make her happy.

So after about 2 weeks of devestation, I start recovering thanks to Acri and Nevan. They help me through this time, but I am however still stuck living with Kelsey for about 4 more months. She already has a new boyfriend. That, is oddly suspicious, but fine whatever. I play nice, I keep being Kelsey's father but I refuse to do any more cooking for her. She at the very least must feed herself. She starts to claim I'm abusing her and enjoy watching her suffer. March of 2019 she decides to have her new boyfriend visit. I am so against this and tell them to get a hotel room. Kelsey says they cant for a whole week, which was how long he was staying. We compromise on them having a hotel for the initial weekend, then they sleep on the couch of the apartment for the rest of the duration. Well this happens and I mostly just ignore them during this shit. Her new boyfriend, who was named in discord as, Dragon Daddy, finally leaves.

The following month Kelsey goes out to visit him, I finally have a week away from Kelsey. I feel great and so on. She eventually comes back, we get into more arguments on the regular. She eventually disappears randomly at the start of June 2019. The last month of the apartment. She is gone without saying anything and barely taking anything of hers. She doesn't respond to me for a days. I'm somewhat concerened but fine whatever. She eventually says she is gone and not coming back. She left her shit here though. Near the start of July I come back home from work. The apartment is TRASHED, about 50% of her stuff is gone. I guess she came by and took it without a word. She doesn't respond to messages. I move out in July and into a new apartment the following month.

Kelsey reaches out again and is asking to get the security deposit for our apartment, which I personally fully paid for. I tell her no and she has no claim to it. We argue about it until I block her because I refuse to deal with it. We packed the things she left at my apartment into boxes and send her a message that says she has one month to give us a shipping address or else it is all going into the trash. She responds with "Never contact me again, I refuse to talk to Jacob due to his abuse of me." I have not heard from her since.

And now we move onto the new stuff. I did start a new job in November of 2018 at Potbelly. It was nicer than Panera due to a lighter work load. And my life is starting to go up. I was recieving therapy which helped and eventually had to stop due to insurance not allowing more sessions. But I'm on an up trend. Things are going well, 13Noobz roster was going well until that exploded, so we talked and decided to find Lost Collective. It has its issues, but I am proud of it. And Due to LCST I have made wonderful new friends, and well of course Tay, being the best. I honestly do love you, and I'm happy to have met you and hope Acri makes you happy, as you deserve it. And of course everyone that has joined my Discord has been wonderful, and due to living with Brian, me and him have rekindled our brotherly bonds.

Of course I'm not perfect, especially mentally and physically. I don't look great, I still have depression, which definetly spikes up in Winter (seasonal depression). But, well, for now at the very least I can say I'm content with my life. I have friends who actually care about me for the first time, well ever. Acri has also recently come back into my life majorly which is nice. So I have my solid foundation of Nevan, Tay, and Acri. The 3 people closest to me. And of course I love interacting with the others. I just, well am not use to this. I haven't had friends since highschool, and definetly not ones who are as close to me as I am close to them. It's nice to have my own love and affection for my friends be returned in full.

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